#was a lot more fucked in terms of my lack of self awareness. so it kinda inherently makes me think of back then and im like oh yea i used

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#theres a quote somewhere abt an adviser of a religious leader in... maybe the middle ages? where the adviser is like: we need to convert X #group of people gently. if we force our beliefs down their throats they may just expell it back up #and im thinking abt it bc thats how my brain engages with things. like: oh i like a thing. i must consume as much info abt it as possible #right this very fucking second. and then suddenly its very stressful and my brain tries to reject it #but i cant bc the fucking metaphorical evangelical in my brain is like: no. u fucking listen to me #and im just like 😵‍💫 #which is to say that i didnt sleep much last night and overdosed on 0ne piece. which was not a good move bc now i just feel terrible #which i knew would happen bc i was like hm reading this fic sounds like a bad choice. lets fucking gooooo #and then i fucking trigger myself lmao. partly bc of the material in the fic and partially bc the last time i was reading 0ne piece fics i #was a lot more fucked in terms of my lack of self awareness. so it kinda inherently makes me think of back then and im like oh yea i used #to do X bad thing. i should go back to doing that lol. and its like No. stop. fucking. no #make better choices for the love of god. ugh fuck ive got too much i didnt sleep enough energy #im sure ill burn out way hard by the end of the day. channel that energy. channel that energy into finding an apartment in a fucking city #with a fucking housing shortage 😭 i dont wanna go back to having roommates. nooooooooo 😭😭😭 #bleh. im procrastinating going to work. work that i am voluntarily doing for no fucking reason except thst i have issues with #compulsive behavior lol. not lol. sad face 😭 hhhh im vibrating. i wanna run around in circles. why cant i be like this when i actually go #for runs >:-[ im always to fucking brain saturated by then and its a ll static and bees in my head #whatever. time to get tf up and take measurements #unrelated #lmao y did i start this with allusions to a religious quote i dont fucking remember hahahaha #ah its bc i find the contrast of serious academic and philosophical topics funny when i go from thinking abt them to fucking anime and #my petty bullshit. idk i habe a weird sense of humor maybe

[tgmsunmontue]

More than movie magic... 9/?

Hangster AU. Explicit (eventually). Jake is a Hollywood actor and Bradley is a stunt coordinator. Jake's about to make a few self-discoveries. So is Bradley.

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT

                The reading had gone well, costuming have them all sorted with their respective racks of clothes and they’ve covered the schedule for filming. His first day is officially over, however if he doesn’t eat dinner with his parents there will be hell to pay, so he’s here instead of with the rest of the cast and crew. He’s glad his nieces and nephews are small, otherwise this would be a whole family affair and he knows that’s on the cards on Sunday for lunch.

                “Jake, sit down and eat.”

                “Sorry mom, I’m just…”

                “Distracted. I’m aware. It’s not like you. What is it?”

                “Uh,” he quickly shoves a piece of carrot in his mouth and hopes he can use the fact he’s chewing as an excuse to not answer.

                “Oh, hesitation. Hesitation and misdirection. You don’t want to tell me. Is it a girl? Or a boy?”

                “Man. It’s a man mom,” Jake mutters, because he’s in his early thirties, he’s not interested in boys or girls. Men and women are far better terms. His mom should know this, she’s the freaking English teacher. Not that he wants to be having this conversation with his mom regardless, but she’s like a shark scenting blood in the water, plus she’s one of his closest friends, and also doesn’t hold back when she thinks he’s being an idiot, which he needs sometimes. Maybe this is one of those times? He reaches for his glass of water.

                “A man. Well, that doesn’t narrow it down, there’s quite a lot of them wondering around now. Hmm. Is it Bradley?”

                Jake inhales his drink, coughs, wonders how the hell she’s just randomly guessed and he looks at her through watering eyes, still clearing his throat. Okay. This is definitely one of those times if she already knows. That’s mortifying, but at least he knows it’s just his mom and she knows him better than anyone.

                “Oh it is! Oh good, I like him!”

                “Mom!”

                “What? You complained about him enough, I thought I’d form my own opinion. He’s nice and polite, has a good sense of humor, and can ride a horse. Much better than your last two…”

                Jake pulls a face, because of course she hadn’t said anything at the time when he’d been with either Gabriel or Alicia, but afterwards she’d just told him someone better would come along. The fact that’s she already given Bradley her seal of approval doesn’t make him feel any better.

                “I don’t even know if he’s single.”

                “Oh, he is.”

                “What?” Jake exclaims, because his tired brain is catching up and not only does his mom know Bradley, but it’s like she’s had multiple conversations with him.

                “We talk. And I asked him dear. I’ve been feeding him up. He needs to eat more.”

                “Oh my god, you’ve met him. You’ve talked to him,” Jake says, voice quiet with terrified realization. This is… not good.

                “Every day since he arrived except one. But it’s okay, I sent your father with some cheese biscuits.”

                “Fuck, dad’s met him?”

                “Jake… he’s on your family ranch. He’s also met Freddie and Andy, and well… he’s been here for two weeks.”

                “You haven’t had him here have you?” Jake asks, looking around at the embarrassing number of childhood shots of him and his siblings.

                “Well, not for lack of trying. He keeps on turning my invitations down, saying he needs to work. Maybe you could invite him.”

                “Mom…”

                “Yes dear?”

                “Can you just, uh, leave it for a couple of days at least?”

                She looks at him then, slight frown on her face telling him that she’s considering listening to him and he’s grateful for small miracles.

                “Oh Jake…”

                “I know… I know okay? I just… he’s smart and clever and so good at everything he does.”

                “You’re smart, clever and good at everything you do too honey.”

                “You’re my mom, you’re meant to say that.”

                “Well, I also thought your days being dumb over a boy, sorry, man, were behind you, so maybe not that clever.”

                “Thanks mom,” Jake mutters, stabbing at the vegetables on his plate.

                “Jake, have you considered that he’s intimidated by you?”

                “Uh… I think the last thing Bradley is, is intimidated by me. He’s very used to telling me no.”

                Actually that might be part of it, he’s so used to hearing Bradley tell him no he’s just assumed he’d hear it again if he did actually ask him out. He remembers Bradley meeting him, not being at all phased by Jake’s fame. And he knows most people are over it when they work in Hollywood, however there’s usually a little bit of something. All Bradley had seemed at the time was annoyed. He knows Bradley considered Pete Mitchell family, deals with Jake on a professional level because he’s nothing if not a consummate professional. Although he does seem to watch Jake, maybe as much as Jake watches him. Okay. Maybe he’s not got zero chances.

                “Have you asked him out?”

                “No.”

                “Then I suggest you do. Not everyone else is going to make the first move for you honey. I’ll give you until Saturday.”

                “Why? What’s happening Saturday?”

                “Then I ask him out for you, like you’re four and I’m organizing a little playdate between you and a friend.”

                “Mom! You wouldn’t…”

                “Do you feel totally confident in that?”

                He looks at her and he really doesn’t. She might be his biggest fan and supporter, but she’s also the first to bring him sharply back to earth if she thinks his head is getting too big. Or if he’s being stupid and going to miss out on something.

                “Honey, you have a choice. Either face potential embarrassment of asking him and him maybe saying no. Or there will be the definitive and absolute embarrassment of me asking him, which I can assure you will be so much more humiliating for you on every level I can think of…”

                Jake is getting traumatic flashbacks to his teen years; the time his mom danced in the grocery aisles to her favorite song, or when she screamed his name across the quad at school, telling him he forgot his lunch and then gave him a sparkly pink plastic lunchbox covered in Hello Kitty stickers while she was wearing a bathrobe (impressive and annoying considering she was a teacher and fully dressed under the bathrobe). God, he really cannot trust her not to go through with it.

PART TEN

#Hangster #Sereshaw #more than movie magic #Top Gun Maverick

[paper-mario-wiki]

whenever you have the mental energy for this question, here’s one that can be constructive for a bunch of ppl, kind of based off your self-reblog talking about being a teenager on the internet. As a maladjusted teen/young adult on the internet, how do you go about learning how to figure out how to interact with people properly and how do you gain a discerning eye for making friends on the internet that are well adjusted, chill people? it seems like a lot of people online act strange either from the lack of learning proper social etiquette (online or offline) or friend groups that have conditioned people to think something that is not normal, is. There’s some unlearning that goes with figuring it out I’m sure.

Good question!

My own social misbehavior stemmed from a few things.

First, the fact that I'm autistic. Obvious one there, the social battlefield was not designed for people like me in mind.

Second, I was raised in a rural area as a mormon, which put me off to a VERY bad start in the "acting like a normal person" olympics.

The way I overcame this is, frankly, like anyone; I fucked up a bunch.

The only reason it feels more uncomfortable is because as an adult, if you're around people who won't take your actions in good faith and try to help you adjust your behaviors to be more appropriate, people are going to be a lot less forgiving when you fuck up.

I think a lot of people in my generation were held back by internet socialization. The term "chronically online" encapsulates this idea perfectly; someone who has only ever existed on a crooked playing field due to the topsy-turvy nature of online discourse.

So, as you become a little bit more aware of yourself and your own actions, be ready to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Communicate with the people you trust about things like that. Patience is all you need from them, so do not be afraid to ask for it.

#The Man With No Face

[weixuldo]

Allow me// ch 11

Vader x Reader

a/n: i’m finally back omggg! school has been so fucking busy lately, but here an update finally is!! ty all for being so patient with me :) and i’ll do my best to stay on top of the updates! enjoy!!

how long can vader keep avoiding you?

warnings: cursing, implied sexual activity

_____________________

Vader paced up and down the halls more domineering than normal; his aura was simply icy. Troopers bowed and scurried off faster than ever- it was evident the Sith was not to be tested today. 

Under his outward image, he was really just an insecure wreck- he felt he was too “vulnerable” with you so he needed to exude power and dominance to everyone else.

He assigned you a detail that would last mostly the whole day in a sector that he rarely visited because he was too embarrassed to face you.

Imagine that, Darth Vader, scared to confront you- not something you see everyday. 

His cape trailed behind him as he marched towards the bridge. He spent the day barking orders at the men beneath him (and force choking a few for insubordination too).

He ended the day feeling unrested and unfulfilled; part of him wanted to go meditate, but the memory of the last time there haunted him. Instead, he opted to tinker with his TIE-fighter. 

On the way to his docking bay he felt the familiar pull of his master. Palpatine wanted to speak with him…great.

He was already in a bad mood but now he had to go see what new bidding he was supposed to do. Begrudgingly he changed his path to head for the built in throne room on the upper level. 

Across the ship, you hauled your tool bag all the way back to your room after an exhausting day. Your brain was filled with worries and bad self esteem all day- you were tired and wanted to rest, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to do that peacefully without knowing why Vader was acting like this all of a sudden. 

After dropping your bag off, you set off to find him. Over the weeks you had gotten closer with the Sith, your ability to feel his force signature became more pronounced. 

The halls seemed more frigid than normal without the security of knowing you were on good terms with Vader (hopefully things would be getting back to normal soon).

After wandering corridor after corridor, his signature kept leading you to dead ends, was he doing this on purpose? Just to toy with you?

The truth was quite the contrary- on the top deck of the ship, Vader entertained an audience with his master; bent on an uncomfortable knee. During their meetings, Palpatine always hid their signatures with his overbearing power. 

“Are you familiar with a rebel called ‘Sabe’?” the emperor groaned. 

Under his helmet, Vader’s eye twitched at the name; he was too deep into the lie that he couldn’t just admit right now. He knew there would be dire consequences if he admitted to anything but they would be even worse if Palpatine found out on his own. 

Deep down, Vader knew that his master was aware of the actions that transpired and was just playing with him before making a scene; based on the lack of audience in the throne room, Vader deduced that he was safe…for today at least. 

The Emperor loved to make a scene. 

“No, Master. I have not heard of such a rebel”.

Vader knew he would be punished eventually, but he needed to make amends with you before anything happened to him. He couldn’t leave you feeling like he played with your emotions; after a lot of thought he realized how you might take his unwillingness to confront you- you may think he’s angry or avoiding you out of spite. 

He couldn’t have that. 

So he would delay the inevitable for just a little longer so that he could put your mind at ease (even if it meant a harsher punishment for him).

“She has apparently gained some of our intel. I was just making sure that you had no hand in it, seeing as she is a former handmaiden" Palpatine hissed. 

She was a former handmaiden and that is the main reason Vader helped her, but the emperor had been extorting his love for his former wife for far too long- he was sick of it. 

“I am aware of a handmaiden named Sabe, but it was ages ago that I was familiar with her in any capacity” Vader spoke, slowly but surely. 

The emperor nodded his cloaked head and smiled a grotesque grin, “very well apprentice, you may go”.

Vader bowed once more before heading for the exit. He was going to regret this later. 

__________________

Eventually you gave up trying to locate the Sith; if he wanted to talk, he would make it known.

Sadly, that was the dynamic he had set up.

You sat at the desk in your room and idly swiped on your personal holopad; maybe you would go tinker around when more workers turned in for the night. 

Vader rushed through the rest of his duties for the day because he knew that he didn’t have much time until Palpatine unleashed his rage upon him, all his master needed was an audience.

The armored man knew he needed to explain all of this to you; the situation, the handmaiden, padme… as well as clear up the incident from the other day. 

He was on high alert because of the emperor’s watchful eyes; the last thing he needed was you getting involved with a danger far beyond your capabilities. So he tinkered with an old mouse droid and wired it to send a message to you to be more inconspicuous.

The mouse arrived at your door with a bump on the door; the message was vague but did the job, because in no time you had made your way to Vader’s chambers. 

“Hello?” you asked to the dark room. 

“My dear…” the darkness responded.

You thought you would be able to play it off as if his absence hadn’t affected you, but as soon as you heard his deep voice, your emotions got the better of you. 

“What is going on? Why have you been avoiding me?” you said, irritation evident in your tone. 

He stepped out of the shadows and exhaled heavily. 

“It was not my intention to-”

“It really doesn’t matter what your intention was. You still avoided me. You tell me you care for me but aren’t even mature enough to tell me why!”.

“I-” he stopped to look down.

“I was wrong to avoid you. I have no excuses for my immature behavior and I sincerely apologize, y/n. Truly, I do”

“I was worried you would…look down on me…pity me. And I was trying to avoid your disappointment” he admitted, making you confused. 

“Why would I feel pity or look down upon you?” you asked sincerely. 

“You know why,” he mumbled. 

“No, I don't” you responded, crossing your arms. 

“Please don’t toy with me”.

“I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about Vader”. 

He sighed once more and looked away, “Nevermind… I just wanted to apologize for avoiding you. It was nothing against you and I do not want you to feel slighted by me”.

You bit your lip and nodded. 

“Alright… thank you for relaying that to me”

His shoulders seemed to relax.

“But how exactly am I supposed to think anything else when you aren't exactly talking to me at the moment? V, I have been tormenting myself because I was worried that I did something wrong and you just let my thoughts fester. You have no idea the power you have over me…”

WIthout another word he gently placed his gloved hands on your shoulders and bent down towards you. Your eyes widened as you felt the exhale of his respirator against your cheek. 

“From now on, I will be more forthcoming with my feelings towards you. I do not wish this “misunderstanding” to become our constant. I will do better” he promised. 

The nerve under your eye jumped, making your eye unintentionally twitch; he noticed and released his intense hold on you. It took you a moment to process his declaration.

With a deep breath, you responded. 

“V, I care about you in a way I have never felt before… All I want is you to feel similarly for me. I know you may not be able to show it all the time, but that's why our private moments mean so much more to me.” you explained, twisting your hands behind your back. 

He listened intently.

“If you weren’t comfortable with what happened the other day, I would like you to tell me. I won’t do it again and I will respect your boundaries more, I just need you to voice them so I know not to overstep-”

“You didn’t overstep at all,” his deep voice boomed. 

“It was more of an…internal… problem.” he gingerly added. 

“Internal?” you asked. 

He sighed and made his way over to the bed that he never used and sat on the edge.

“I- umm.. I have not shared the type of interaction we shared in a very long time.” he started.

You nodded, “I know”.

He turned his mask from you when you took a seat beside him. 

“My body was not quite used to the strong feelings that surge through my system when you are so near to me…it still isn’t” he admitted shyly. 

“Those feelings aren't necessarily a bad thing, at least not to me.” you said. 

“Because you make me feel the same way”.

Vader could feel the warmth creeping up onto his cheeks, “I don’t think you are fully understanding what I'm trying to say…”

“What do you mean then?”

He took a breath before explaining. 

“When we were in my chamber… those feelings of passion got the better of me and something occurred that I wasn’t aware could still happen…You are aware I was injured many years ago, correct?”.

You nodded. 

“Mostly every part of my body was affected in one way or another…meaning so was my…”

Ohhhh.

Your eyes widened just a tad, but he definitely noticed because he looked away again. 

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of Vader, you fought hard and you're still here, thats all that really matters”

“Yes, but what I am trying to say is… I was just surprised when I- I wasn’t expecting…”

Before he continued to stutter out words, you gently rubbed his arm with an endearing smile. 

“Hey, It’s ok, V. Really, it is”.

“I’m sorry” he said in the softest tone you had ever heard come from him. 

You pulled him closer and he held on to your waist as you rubbed his back and assured him that you thought no different of him.

Maybe it was his age or maybe he had been deprived for so long, but he found himself able to reach a level of vulnerability with you that he never thought he could do again. Your embrace was warm and he allowed himself to lower his defenses ever so slightly.

After a few moments you asked if he wanted to lie down and he agreed. After adjusting the pressure and taking apart his suit, he ended up in your gentle embrace once more. 

In your arms he wasn't Darth Vader- the feared sith lord, nor was he the once great Jedi, Anakin Skywalker. He was just “V”. And nowadays, that's all he wanted to be. 

“I’m honestly kind of flattered” you broke the silence.

“Hmm?”

“Do I really have that much of an effect on you?”; he could hear the smirk in your voice.

“Do I really have to answer that?” he responded with his natural raspy voice and a smile. 

You loved hearing him without the mask. Of course, his mechanical deep voice still did something for you, but there was something so appealing about his softer spoken raspy voice; the gasses of Mustafar left his vocal chords scorched (much like the rest of him).

“Yes” you responded playfully. 

“Then, yes. You have a powerful hold over me” he said; his intense eyes burrowed into yours making you turn away and blush. 

“Turning away from me? Why so shy?” he quipped.

His gloved hand brushed against your cheek and you reveled in the feeling before grabbing his hand, mid-motion.

“How did it feel? Was it good?”.

His eyes widened and his mouth parted as you lifted yourself on top of him.

“I-” he started before you gently settled your ass over his crotch area. 

You bent down with a smirk and whispered into his ear, “now who’s the shy one”.

He exhaled shakily and felt his dick twitch; maker, it felt blissful. 

“I-it felt good… so, so good” he responded, placing his hands around your waist. 

“Before I knew it, I just couldn’t contain my pleasure anymore- not with you sitting so prettily on my lap”.

“So how exactly are you lying so still right now if we’re in almost the same position?” you asked. 

“I'm barely holding it together, my dear” he seemed to growl.

“Shall we fix that?”.

“That would be a pleasing course of action” he responded with a mischievous smile. 

____________________________

After some activities, the two of you cuddled up next to each other and talked about everything under the sun. Likes, dislikes, past, future, eachother… Everything was in high spirits until Vader remembered why he wanted to talk about this with you today (in particular).

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Vader decided to speak. 

“My master wishes to hold an audience tomorrow.” he said, staring at the ceiling. 

“What is it this time? Hopefully it will be short” you responded as you traced small circles on his chest plate. 

“I don’t think it will be quick. In fact the meeting may take several days”.

“What do you mean by that?” you asked, slightly sitting up. 

“I have pushed back a matter the emperor has been pursuing. I have lied to him to better myself but I know he has caught me. He is only calling an audience so he can make an example of me.”

“Vader, if you know that, you can’t go!” you exclaimed. 

“Unfortunately it is a position I have been in before…. There is nothing I can do to avoid it; even if I tried to, my punishment would be even worse-”

You sat up and looked down at him, “Please, you can’t. What if- What if the emperor..”

Vader’s eyes faded into the comforting blue and he propped himself up to your height. 

“It means the galaxy that you are concerned about for me, y/n. But no matter what happens, I won’t give up because I have you to look forward to seeing. I have you to look forward to being with when these insufferable trials are finished.” he brought your forehead to his gently. 

“But Palpatine? Would he… would he kill you?” you asked quietly. 

Vader shook his head, “Not as long as I am useful to the empire, and as of now, I am a key asset. But do not fret too much darling, I will return.”

Though his reassurance was nice to hear, it did little to lessen the tension in the force surrounding the both of you. Neither of you wanted to address it, so instead you laid back down in each other's arms and pretended everything was going to be ok. 

***

a/n: just for clarification they didnt have sex, they just did other things (saving the sex for another ch lol. sorry again for being so late w the updates 😭 lmk if u liked the chapter though!!

taglist: @vadersassistant @sxoulohvn @khaleesihavilliard @kashasenpai @darling-murdock @beautifulbearpolice @salvatoresister1 @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @blueninjablade3 @jujuba096 @missmannequin @jellydodger @mirastark @wyvernthekriger @duckyhowls @monada43 @lauriidoesstuff @vienettacream @ray-rook @itswhatever06 @ilovenielperry

#darth vader #darth vader x reader #anakin x reader #vader #sw darth vader #anakin #darth vader fic #star wars #star wars x reader #anakin x you #allow me #vader art #star wars darth vader #darth vader fanfic #darth vader headcannons #darth vader x you #darth vader x y/n #vader x reader #vader x you #sw x reader #sw fanfic

[metalheadsforblacklivesmatter]

Hi, could you please explain to me the following terms: "Psychopath", "Narcissist", "Sociopath", etc?

Up until now, I've ignorantly used these words to describe someone who is self-prioritizing, without empathy or compassion, and antagonistic towards the boundaries of others.

I want to be better informed in order to avoid repeating this mistake from now onwards; Most of my search results present unreliable information; which is how I came to fall for the misconception in the first place.

I am mentally disabled myself, but completely out of the loop- mental health is stigmatized where I come from. I'd like to understand the distinction between the terms listed above, and how they came to be associated with negative records.

First of all I'd like to thank @bfpnola because I got this information from people diagnosed with these conditions on the bfpnola discord server.

Second of all, I'd like to say I've not been diagnosed with these conditions nor do I presume to have them. So I do ask you seek out people with antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder who talk about the stigmas against their conditions to hear them out. I'd suggest a tiktoker I used to follow but people with these conditions tend to get banned quickly on tiktok due to abelism.

I'm just trying to explain where I'm coming from when I say it's abelist to use these terms.

Now to continue with the answer. Sociopath and Psychopath are outdated terms. They used to be diagnoses that were in the DSM, but the terminology has been changed to antisocial personality disorder. People with antisocial personality disorder do not experience empathy. Like... at all. And that's what people are trying to attack when people call someone a psychopath. However, that implies an incorrect definition of empathy.

Empathy is the ability to feel and understand others pain. People assume that means they don't care at all about others. They are very capable of caring about other people and forming close emotional bonds. They are also very capable of being protective of those they care about. They just don't feel empathy. Furthermore, there's people that experience empathy that legitimately just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Just because they feel others pain doesn't mean that they give a shit.

And attacking someone's lack empathy is often used to stigmatize other conditions that can cause low empathy like autism, Borderline, narcissistic personality disorder, schizoeffective disorder, and there's probably a bunch more I'm forgetting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People think a narcissist is someone that thinks the world revolves around them. But based on what I've heard people diagnosed with the mental health disorder have said, it's a deep insecurity rooted in being raised with their caretakers making them feel deeply insecure. They compensate by masking with self-aggrandizing behaviors. And that's why people think people with NPD think the world's revolves around them. Because they're experiencing external symptoms with no awareness of the internal monolog in their mind that leads to those symptoms. Which is why I keep saying only a psychiatrist or therapist can diagnose people. Because even if you grew up with this person, you won't have the connection with them that a therapist will have to learn their internal right process.

And a lot of the people that are incorrectly called Narcissistic actually have BPD. (I've seen an overwhelming number of people in response to these posts say "I've experienced Narcissistic Abuse. My abuser had BPD.")

Borderline Personality Disorder is COMPLETELY different from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is the result of an insecure attachment style from the caretakers as a child. This results in unstable relationship styles as an adult. They like someone and develop a "favorite person". Which sounds really cute but can actually be really traumatizing for the person with this disorder. Then they do something called "splitting" in which their views of the people they care about change. They feel the person is pulling away or rejecting them (even if it's untrue). This leads to dangerous behavior like threats of suicide, binge drinking, taking drugs, excessive shopping, gambling, passive aggression, etc.

And the sad thing about NPD and BPD both is the fact that a lot of the negative stigma surrounding them is due to how they externally react to the things the inner demons they have in their head.

Now I know someone is going to say "You can't let people use their mental health as an excuse for shitty behavior". This isn't letting people use their mental health to excuse shitty behavior. I'm saying you can't use mental health terms to describe shitty behavior. A self absorbed asshole is nothing more than a self absorbed asshole. It's not crazy. It's not psychotic. It's not narcissistic. It's an asshole. No more no less.

-fae

#abelism #cluster b disorders #cluster b personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #antisocial personality disorder #schizoid personality disorder #avoidant personality disorder #histrionic personality disorder #personality disorders

[saltineofswing]

Hello! I'm the person that made the rant post about my dislike on the lack of natural dichotomy of the Pyramids and Traveler since the introduction of the Veil that turned into a whole thing. You mentioned a lack of pulp in your reblog and it's stuck with me since then. I wasn't familiar with the term and did some research on it, but I still don't think I get what it is. I tried looking it up but a lot of articles and videos I could find explain the history of pulp and its influences in modern day sci-fi but not necessarily what it is, especially in a way that would give me context to better understand your reblog. If it's not too much trouble, can you explain a little more what the "pulp" is that destiny is lacking?

I’d be happy to try and give you a little more insight into what I feel are important tenets of pulp as a genre/concept! I decided this might be a good opportunity to talk a little about it generally because I am really feeling its absence generally in the past couple years, so I included some historical backing which you’re probably already familiar with – hope that’s OK.

I did a little digging personally, for some good places to familiarize oneself with the basics of pulp as a concept and/or genre. It was nice to re-affirm some info that I’ve felt secure in holding as true without a ton of evidentiary support, and I also learned some cool new stuff as well! I think a good place to start would be to link to the TV Tropes page about pulp magazines, which does a pretty good job of explaining the origins and foundational aspects of the concept in a way that is easy to digest. It also has a lot of examples available to peruse. I also found this cool article on the golden age of pulps, which is an interesting read.

This got long, so below the cut!

To reiterate, the original ‘pulp’ terminology and vibe comes from early/mid-20th century magazines, which were cheap and easy ways to access genre fiction and action/adventure stories before comics, paperback novels, and TV/movies were really on the scene. Pulp magazines spanned a very wide array of genres, but because of a lack of appreciation for the medium, a majority of pulp magazines and aspects of what I would consider to be pulp as a genre have been allowed to fall into obscurity. There are places where I feel it is particularly obvious, especially the superhero genre (don’t get me started we’ll be here all week) but also in fantasy and science fiction – a term which was, in fact, coined by Hugo Gernsback, an editor for pulp magazine Amazing Stories.

They were cheap to make, cheap to buy, and easy to serialize; they could be really schlocky, crass, and unpolished. They could also be fucking incredible! The Shadow is a good example of an early pulp property with screaming highs and frankly peat-bog lows. Lovecraft published a lot of what is considered to be his ‘best work’ in Weird Tales! Conan the Barbarian, too! They kind of came out of the gate with a somewhat negative connotation associated with ‘low-brow’ forms of literature like dime novels, but where other magazines of the time tended to incorporate non-fiction articles and photography, pulp mags tended to be fiction stories only – short stories, or longer stories split into serialized chapters. Early on, not many of them had art, though with the advent of comic books that changed (you could argue that books like Creepy and Eerie are direct offspring of early pulp mags). Similar to what Weekly Shonen Jump does with manga.

If you think of a genre as a toolbox, pulp is a box full of tools that function fine alone, but excel at assisting the function of other toolboxes. I would almost liken ‘pulp’ to the concept of ‘camp’, which are also two concepts that can and do overlap with a high degree of synergy. Pulp has its own foundational attributes that are distinct from camp – for example, camp is gay relies a lot more on its self-awareness, at being able to wink at the viewer or participant, and telling you ‘yeah, we know it, but isn’t it fun?’ Pulp, on the other hand, is the (no pun intended) straight man counterpart to this aesthetic sensibility; pulp is at its best when it is being completely earnest. The quippy lines and dramatic proclamations are meant to be taken on their face. Nowadays it’s the kind of stuff that memes are made of – ‘That Wizard Came From The Moon’, ‘I don’t have time to explain why I don’t have time to explain’, ‘Whether we wanted it or not, we’ve stepped into a war with the Cabal on Mars’. Saying shit that has no explanation with your whole chest. Trying to be cool on purpose, the ultimate cringe move.

Nowadays I think that this kind of thing has mostly died out of modern media, but the counter-motion is still prevalent in mainstream superhero movies. A good example is the ‘Would you have preferred ~YeLlOw SpAnDeX~’ line from the OG X-Men movie. Hey dickhead! The yellow spandex is cool if you, the guy making the movie, believes its cool! Crucially, while a lot of modern superhero stuff is quippy and irreverent, it often uses these tropes in a self-aware or cynical manner – afraid of being earnest, committing the aforementioned cardinal sin of trying to look cool on purpose.

(God damn it, I’m talking about superheroes again. Sorry. Before I get back on task this is why I loved the recent Moon Knight run so much; Jed MacKay is NOT afraid to have the characters say some absolutely batshit thing but it comes off as so, so cool. And yes, a little cheesy.)

And then, where modern sci-fi typically has an ultra-detailed explanation on-hand, I think a lot of early pulp stuff just… didn’t. Ask a sci-fi property for an explanation on, oh I don’t know, ‘where did these super-humanoid sapient machine warriors come from’ and it will likely have a molecule-deep explanation of how those unnamed machine people were created. Ask a fantasy property for an explanation on the same and it might say, ‘no’. It’s not that a pulp-leaning property won’t give you the answer to that question… it just might not have it. The ‘why is it/how is it’ is not as important as the ‘what is it’ and ‘how is it relevant’; a writer had a limited amount of page real estate, as multiple features were typically crammed into a single magazine. Even if a feature was serialized, much like television episodes (before the binge trend), one had to keep information digestible, and not too reliant on a prior or later edition that a reader might never see.

Explanations tended to be in service of an emotional beat, or to a theme, versus as a grounding agent to immerse a reader in the world. For the record I don’t necessarily think of either method as being better or worse, and heavy worldbuilding can still utilize pulp as a veneer or filter to engage audience expectations in different ways. Pulp stuff relies a lot on suspension of disbelief without utilizing a rigid lore-based framework to – though, you know, your story/setting still has to have its own internal logical consistency.

(I feel that it is important to note, as a partial consequence of the time period in which these magazines were being made, and when pulp fiction was most heavily consumed, xenophobia and racism are also heavily present in pulp works. I think everybody knows at this point about how much Lovecraft sucked but it’s a valuable example of how a lot of ‘fear of the unknown’ in that time was transliterated into ‘fear of the different’, in general but especially relating to genre fiction. If you decide to explore material in this genre, in this time period, be forewarned! Some of it was pretty glaring!)

So, let me tie some of this stuff to my previous statements about Destiny. I think that Destiny is an excellent example of how pulp tropes, aesthetic, and genre conventions can be used to enhance and streamline a setting… and how stripping too much pulp away can have a detrimental impact on the depth of a narrative.

The original narrative and worldbuilding of Destiny drew very heavily on pulp aesthetics to create a foundation, both in its appearance and its lore. The ‘Golden Age of Science Fiction’ was a period of time in the mid-20th century that sort of transitioned sci-fi out of pulp magazines and into its own thing, but the foundational structure of science fiction at this time was still heavily pulp-influenced. I think this is very well-represented by the portrayal of Venus as a ‘garden’ (jungle) world, very lush and with sulfurous and sometimes acidic rains. Before advancements in astronomical technology went and fucked everything up for us writers, Venus’s opaque cloud-covered atmosphere was impenetrable enough that there could be anything under there – and a popular portrayal of Venus was a muggy, humid, rain-heavy world that sometimes also included lush jungles. In Bradbury’s short story The Long Rain (WHICH ran in Planet Stories, a pulp mag, by the way!) this portrayal is a central obstacle to the narrative; it’s also used in Heinlein’s novel Space Cadet.

The color scheme that Destiny uses for Venus also matches a common color scheme for Venus in this era – see this cover for Fantastic Adventures. Visually, I think that this comparison between the postcard that went out with the D1 limited/collector’s edition and this Planet Stories cover for The Golden Amazons of Venus demonstrates the influence, at least regarding terrain and biome.

In fact, I think that you can see from this Eververse postcard – which could have been peeled off of any era-appropriate paperback novel – that the influence goes bone-deep. Destiny even refers to humanity’s halcyon age as ‘The Golden Age’.

(Below: Is this image from Destiny dev, or a science fiction paperback from the 60s? Who knows! I know. It’s Destiny.)

In the modern era of Destiny storytelling, though the visual elements of the universe remain largely rigid relative to this early framework, the pulp underpinning of the narrative has been largely left behind. The original game’s story, and the stories of subsequent DLCs, felt very pulp-inspired – this ranged from ‘sort of effective’, like in House of Wolves, to ‘game-savingly effective’, like in The Taken King. Pulp lends itself to straightforward conceptual executions, and brisk narratives, because of its roots as short-form literature. The narrative of D1 was simple and to the point; Light good, Dark bad, humanity is in the shit, think you can kill a god? The surrounding world scaffold was rich but not deep. As I like to say, sometimes a river can be wide but shallow. This is not a commentary on its quality – something can be good but not complex, and IMO, sophistication is not necessarily synonymous with complexity. Destiny managed to pull off a trick that many high-quality pulp stories employ: it made the river look deeper than it was. This is the whole reason that Lovecraft’s oeuvre has the staying power it has: other writers got to play in the space because it felt very deep, even though the stories themselves were fairly straightforward.

I also don’t mean to say or accidentally imply that ‘morally grey storytelling cannot exist within pulp stories’, because that would probably get me torn apart; that’s just not the kind of straightforward foundation that the original Destiny was built on. ‘It is what you see, but what you see could be anything’, you know? The problem that began to muddy the waters in the Destiny narrative is that they started to say, ‘You know, actually, it ISN’T what you see’.

Tentpole narrative additions to the Destiny 2 game employ varying levels of pulp. As I said in the other post, the Hive have a potent pulp influence built into their foundational coding, and so subsequent portrayals of the Hive as a main antagonist have higher degrees of pulp genre naturally present in the narrative – it’s hard to separate the two of them. Shadowkeep and The Dark Below draw strongly on the ‘sword and sorcery’ convention, a subgenre of fantasy that is a heavy (perhaps 1:1) blend of fantasy and pulp; think Conan, or Elric of Melniboné (who, hey! Showed up in a novella feature, in an issue of Science Fantasy magazine, named… THE DREAMING CITY). The Witch Queen leaned away from pure sword and sorcery and more towards noir/detective pulp – though, I think, TWQ is a good example of the pulp slippage in its narrative, resulting in some more bland moments and things that feel ham-fisted in a bad way. Part of it, I think, is the need to make these expansions ‘long’ and complicated without making the player feel like they’re slogging; in a more pulp-forward TWQ narrative, the reveal that Savathûn is actually NOT evil-aligned and is a potential ally would come much earlier in the story, and the central mystery would be MORE about ‘what the fuck is she trying to do/prevent’, leading to the Witness reveal as the centerpiece of the finale and the ‘solution’ to the central mystery.

The decision to start retroactively appending more complex connections between disparate pieces of content naturally leads to a reduction of pulp prominence, in my opinion. If you imagine Destiny as a vessel that is mainly full of three component liquids – Fantasy, Sci-Fi, and Pulp – you can say that adding more of one genre pushes out another to make room. You can always pour more of one genre in to re-balance, but in response to increasing levels of sci-fi the narrative seems reticent to reintroduce pulp back into the mix, instead favoring fantasy. But another problem is that once you take it out, Pulp is really hard to put back; once you solidify and unionize world-lore, every subsequent retcon risks diluting and destabilizing that world-lore until a) nobody cares about it anymore and b) it stops being mutable at all, and becomes sludge.

The lore behind the existence of the Exo was originally very pulp, with no real explanations given for exactly what they were and where they came from, and how they attained sapience. Early hints that Cayde and a few other Exo having once been human didn’t preclude other Exo from having other origins – for example, implications that Exo war-frames eventually achieved sapience as a result of the ‘Deep Stone Crypt’, and that they were originally simple AI-equipped warriors designed and overseen by Rasputin to minimize human casualties. This early mystique around the origins of the Exo is classically pulp: we don’t need to know how the hyper-advanced robots were made, we just need to know what they are, why they are relevant to the story. It allows You, The Player, to engage with it at whatever level you want. In a game where You, The Player, are also being asked to step into the role of You, The Protagonist, this is beneficial to engagement for people (like me!) who like to think too much about the backstory of the your-name-here protagonist on-screen. It is also beneficial to not distracting the player with conflicting information, or accidentally contradicting previously-established lore.

Enter Big-Head Bray. The Beyond Light-era explanation of why Exo were created and how they were made is a retroactive nuclear strike on the Exo lore; it strips away a lot of flexibility and thematic richness from the concept of the Exo, shoehorns them into a single narrow use case, and directly conflicts with early-game Exo lore implying their connections to Rasputin (which they then had to go back and hastily shoehorn back in later) or existence as war machines for the Collapse. If D1 lore is wide but shallow, the D2 lore is narrow but deep. Just because something has a lot of ‘depth’, I.E. many layers to traverse before you reach foundational bedrock, it doesn’t make it good.

Same thing with the Fallen. Season of Plunder felt to me like an attempt to reintroduce pulp genre back into the setting, but it fell flat because of two reasons: it didn’t really want to be pulp, and it was more concerned with its tethers to the science-fantasy exterior world than it was with creating its own cohesive narrative. Why was Mithrax doing evil pirate shit when he was young? Because he comes from a race of fucking evil space pirates! It Does Not Need To Be More Complex Than That! But the exculpation of pulp from the D2 narrative means that if Mithrax doesn’t have a good enough reason, WRT the larger narrative, it would be a glaringly obvious plot hole. By Plunder, Destiny had already undertaken the task of filling out the Eliksni lore with sympathetic science-fantasy excuses for why they were trying to exterminate humankind – the more earnest, pulp-forward explanation would just be that desperate, hurt, suffering people will do desperate things, hurt people, and may perpetuate the cycle of suffering.

Oy. There’s a lot you COULD get into. How the Destiny macro-narrative seems to be decaying the rigidity of good and evil in its original lore vs. how the micro-narrative is obsessed with trying to recapture that good/evil dichotomy in order to give players a reason to like the main characters. How the determination to connect and explain everything has resulted in a general flattening of the background lore, and the subsequent trivialization of many things the game included in earlier iterations of the narrative/lore. How the narrative has basically nothing to do with the Vex because they wrote themselves into a corner by trying to explain them too much while simultaneously not altering the foundational lore of the race, meaning there were too many things they can no longer do without retconning again.

Overall, I guess I will just end by saying that many of the things that Destiny is CURRENTLY doing, feels like the game is straining to rip the part of it out which proudly asks its audience not to think too hard about sweeping, dramatic statements that built a lot of the things people love about the game’s setting and narrative… and in doing so, is just ripping itself to pieces.

#More lore! MORE LORE! #dinklebot sitcom #northbot sitcom #destiny 2 #Pulp genre #Genre discussion #Sorry this got so long! I’m not used to writing this kind of big essay #it may not be super coherent but whaddya gonna do

[nekropsii]

…I swear to God, why have like half the Beforan players tried to bone someone significantly younger than them??? Probably because the author’s a creep who got a kick out of it, but still, between what was just discussed with Rufioh, Aranea trying to hit on Jake, Cronus trying to bone his dancestor (jesus fuck) and Meenah dating a physically 13-year-old Vriska… that’s a THIRD of the dancestors? And those are just the four I’m aware of, I would be very disappointed but not at all surprised if there was a fifth.

Honestly, adults having inappropriate relationships with children is just a heavily recurring theme in Homestuck... It's not really all that surprising when you take a step back. Doc Scratch, Hussie's own self insert, Bro Strider... They're all much older than the Alpha Trolls are, and are creepy towards the Betas in some way.

Further discussion going under the cut.

Content Warning: Discussion of Sexual Assault, Harassment, and Pedophilia.

... Man, I'm having to write about this topic a lot lately, aren't I? This isn't even close to the only ask left in my inbox about something adjacent to this. It's kind of... Flattering, in the weirdest way possible? I don't know, I'm often approached for my opinions on some of the much more serious and dark aspects of Homestuck. Things that people don't really know, or talk about, or address- like the racism issues, Dave's CSA, et cetera. It's not really prestigious, I don't think, but it does require a level of trust in maturity and literacy. I appreciate it.

Anyways, this is mostly going to be me adding to and even debunking your ask here. I think this subject both deserves and requires specificity. It's an extremely emotionally charged topic, so peoples imaginations tend to get a little... Carried away, when they don't know the full extent to what's happening. Considering how it's not easy to term search things said by most of the Alpha Trolls, and some people really just do not want to/cannot interact with things relating to Child Harm and Abuse... There's bound to be both a lack of information and an excess of misinformation. It's understandable, but... Deeply annoying for me in particular. Lol.

Let's do this.

---

The inclusion of Rufioh in this is both correct and based on some of my own posting on the matter. Rufioh was hitting on Aradiabot, who is 13, because she reminded him of Damara... Specifically remarking upon how she's "just like the real thing". Charming...

Here's where I'm going to supply a debunk: Aranea did not try to hit on Jake, and he is not significantly younger than her. That's a pretty ugly misconception. She's 19, and he is 16. She had zero romantic or sexual feelings towards Jake. Yes, she tried to kiss him once... Because she knew that he was attracted to her and assumed he'd appreciate her making a move on him. This was part of her little scheme to make him Hope-splode. She never did actually kiss him, and there was genuinely no consent violations involved in the situation- he told her to stop before she could, and she did. It was just a misunderstanding. It happens. If you're still put off by that age gap, that's fair and entirely respectable, but that's not "significantly younger", and the situation wasn't really objectively creepy.

... Cronus is... Fucking gross. His whole gimmick is that he is "The Worst Character in Homestuck", and boy does he succeed at it. He won that title. Earned it. Absolutely flying colors. He tried to "get with" Karkat, Tavros, and Eridan. By which I mean he stalked Karkat all the way to his house and then tried to break into it, got really handsy with Tavros in the middle of a crowd, and... Sexually assaulted Eridan- his own flesh and blood!- also in the middle of a crowd. All of these kids are 13 years old, and his main character trait is "Sexual Assault + Harassment". No one's free. Not even literal children! Cronus counts as a full-blown Pedophile, by the way!! There's your fun fact for the day.

Then there's Meenah, who had her whole thing with (Vriska), who was 13. Not just physically, but mentally, too. She was just 13. That was a whole arc, so it doesn't really need much elaborating upon, I hope.

---

That's... Just about it, I think? That's all I remember, anyway, as far as the Alpha Troll Age Gap Weirdness goes. So... Only 3 of them are really problems in that respect, which is 1/4th of the cast. Still an upsetting amount, but not... As bad as 1/3rd, as far as optics goes.

In full honesty, it's kind of funny to me how the Alpha Trolls who have overtly sexual theming are... Pretty normal about kids. Damara's nice to them and nobody else, we've got zero reason to suspect Mituna of anything, and Porrim's just chilling. It's accurate, if anything.

Hopefully this has been fun and/or informative. Have a lovely day.

#homestuck #homestuck meta #homestuck analysis #alpha trolls #beforan trolls #dancestors #damara megido #rufioh nitram #mituna captor #porrim maryam #aranea serket #cronus ampora #meenah peixes #cw abuse #cw assault #cw child harm #rufioh.pdf #aranea.pdf #cronus.pdf #meenah.pdf #nekro.pdf #nekro.sms

[carlosoliveiras-wife]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ hola, qué pasa. i’m chloë [she/her], biromantic[?]/ace-spectrum hispanic [white/mex] ladee who enjoys masc titles. here’s my main selfship carrd [still in progress]. here’s my general f/o list. here's my fandom ref drive. please like this post once read!

the guys shown above are My Darlin's, my main F/Os that I have super bad brainrot about and who are just part of my main squad but with a fancier label. rubs eyes. in order, they are...

Carlos Oliveira; Resident Evil 3 [Remake]

Pavia; Reverse: 1999

Miguel O'Hara; Specifically ATSV's Version*

Charles Smith; Red Dead Redemption 2

Lúcio Correia dos Santos; Overwatch

Lee; Arknights

Rei Sakuma; Ensemble Stars!!

the asterisk is that i largely use comic lore in reference to Miguel. in case that needed to be said. i just needed to put that out there i guess??

my terms on sharing are that i'm not comfy, and if you're too lazy(/nm) to read below, the gist is dni if we share, and if you reblog from someone who shares my f/os of any status, i'll just softblock for my mental health because i. am a bitch when it comes to sharing. sorry.

in the same sense: if you share any of my friends' f/os, i either will block or not follow just for their sakes and i have a personal bias when it comes to my friends' stuff. if that makes sense. probably not. here's the link to the list, which can be updated at any time.

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˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ i’m specifically writing my new pinned to sound like i lack enthusiasm, because, y’know, i kinda feel that way a lot. don’t be intimidated, i don’t bite unless you give me a permit to do so, otherwise i’ll just stare at you from across the room. i’m not new to selfshipping in the slightest, and i’ve been doing this shit since i was a kid. i heavily love fictional characters and i see them as my bitches who should bow down to me. that’s a joke. i’m bowing down to them. sidenote: i put the question mark by biromantic because i have no idea if i’m aroace or not. sigh.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ i like a lot of things outside of fictional characters who make me wanna eat grass. i love to draw, i love to write, i love to design, i’d fucking love to not have seasonal allergies. i also really fucking love animals, however, don’t rely on me for knowledge because i obviously don’t know everything about anything. my faves are orcas and foxes! my favorite foods are salmon nigiri, tamales, and conchas. awkward thumbs up emoji.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ my dni and other stuff can be found on my main/introductory carrd. fandom-wise, you can find my info and trivia and all your need-to-knows on my ascendaries carrd.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ yes, i’m aware i have a rain theme going on. personal ties and i love the weather. shrug emoji.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ .ೃ࿐ ┈┈┈┈ : . . . . : ─ yes, i'm aware a lot of my selfships have repetitive themes and tropes. those themes and tropes are very comforting and also largely stem from personal things which is why i indulge them. tldr: if you hate childhood friends to lovers, hooh, you're gonna hate me.

little tidbits about me, i suppose. a good chunk of these are taken from my old pinned.

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i quite literally use myself in all selfships, and prefer each fandom variation to not be called a "self insert". it's legit just me befitted for a fandom (usually a f/o, ie, if a f/o is an eldritch horror then fuck it i am too) 😔 ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i have a lot of interests and tend to show an interest in a lot of things at once— while i may not know everything about a media, i do immediately go searching for character analyses as well as consume media as much as i can. i do have an attention problem which involves finding it hard to sit down and binge. but i will read the info as much as i can, i do tend to like reading more than watching/playing. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ again, as previously stated, i am a hispanic selfshipper. however, i look whiter than one would assume, and kinda act it as well. while meals and pronunciations are a big deal to me[minus the joking mispronunciations which earn me 'oh she's white' stares; listen it's kinda funny], i'm not fluent in spanish [i know a few phrases…] nor do i have many experiences many others may have. i admire a lot of the traditions, however i did not grow up with them. i’d love to meet other hispanic selfshippers though, y’all are cool and i’m giving you all a little kiss. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ yeah, it's actually spelled “Chloë”, in case you had to know. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i love to indulge my friends and mutuals as best as i can! my inbox is always open for rambles and such, so don't be afraid to talk to me. i also don't mind infodumps on any of my faves because you'd more than likely help me understand them more anyways, which is always welcome. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i do love to portray myself as the more affectionate one in any of my selfships— while everyone loves affectionate male/female f/o stuff, i like giving out more love and flustering my dumbasses. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ unfortunately, i am a lady who is very not okay with sharing. if that bothers you, just please do not interact. i know non-sharing selfshippers seem silly and childish, but it's just how i am. similarly, i do not care to interact with anyone who selfships with faves on the friend DNI list, meaning that i prefer their selfships above all else. i know that ain’t gonna stop anyone, but oh well. that list doesn’t apply to anyone following before that list was updated, so! yeah. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i'm uncomfortable with nsfw and if you are a nsfw account, please do interact on a different account. while i do have nsfw humor, indulging in actual nsfw makes me uncomfy, so please keep that in mind. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ don't be scared of interacting with me. i'm not gonna leap out of the water and bite your hand off. as long as we don't share f/os, i don't mind interacting. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ i don't mind being tagged in things. i find it quite fun, actually! and i feel honored! hehehe ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

- ͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ fandom blogs PLEASE dni. there's nothing wrong with you guys...some of y'all, i mean. i'm just. i'd strongly prefer not to have fandom blogs follow me. likewise: ccxcc shippers for my f/os. sorry i'm still a person who's uncomfy w/sharing ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

͙۪۪̥˚┊❛ edited last: 12/6/2023 — while this blog is by all means "private" (read: i have the settings that doesn't allow this blog to be searched up or something else), i don't think i'm too bothered by reblogs or stuff about my personal selfship content anymore. i had this rule in place initially so that way i did not burn a hole in my brain from too much attention, however, i will do my best in taking things easier so that way i don't hit that mark of burnout again, or at least, as fast. ❜┊˚ ͙۪۪̥◌

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DNI

you fit basic DNI criteria, this includes being a zionist. i dont wanna see any proshippers or racists or pedos or lgbtphobes or islamophobes or anyone else who fits this bs criteria

if you share my f/os, this is just more of a comfort thing. im less likely to follow if you reblog from someone who does share my f/os just for my own comfort

if you associate with @/tealilii or @/glazelilii or whatever other handles she has. she's caused trauma for me and another friend of mine, and might still be doing harmful shit to my other friend.

you associate with @/lolthia. you can find posts on why you shouldnt associate with them.

javier escuella slanderers. i will throw you like a fucking dodgeball

people who like dark content, including but not limited to: yanderes, DD: DNE, noncon or dubcon, incest including stepcest, the glorification of abuse

see someone wearing certain things in fashion and immediately ask if theyre into nsfw things or why they're wearing "fetish gear". its weird, dont do that, esp not to me.

there's probably more but. hm. i'll update eventually

i don't know what else to add. glances to the side. so uh. yeahh. hi there guys...??

dividers are by @/cafekitsune!!

#⛈️: chloë's thunderstorm of info. #(pinned)

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello lovely, this is re: sex witch stuff. do you have any advice for figuring out whether what's up with you is an a-spec thing or a depression thing?

context being: I've suspected I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum because I don't usually get *attracted* attracted to people unless I've gotten to know them somewhat. but at the same time, I've been depressed since I was a young teen and in the past few years, my libido has definitely gone down and I usually only get horny around my period. part of it is probably the meds and the fact that I'm Exhausted all the time (being in uni and having to be an adult doesn't help lol). I'm 23 and still a virgin, but I do get the sense that I would enjoy casual sex or an FWB situation. the other thing is - I do enjoy my own company, and I know I'm probably not in the best place to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm a little lonely and would love to be in that long-term relationship stage of things yk? but I have no great desire to be actively dating (lack of energy also factors into this), and hookups are not a big thing in my culture so sex kind of goes with dating. which is why I still can't figure out whether this is more of an a-spec thing or depression + mild social anxiety thing :/

I'm the last anon about aspec vs depression thing. forgot if I mentioned it or not but I'm 23F, bi (I think. I tend to use queer. never actually been on a date with a girl before) and cis so there isn't any major gender or sexuality issues complicating things. I do have some body insecurities which may play into it (was naturally quite slim and then I lost more weight in the past 2 years due to meds which means my boobs are even smaller than before) but overall i think I'm fairly body neutral at this point 🤷‍♀️

hi anon,

I'm going to say something that I worry has the chance to come across as condescending and I want you to know that that's not my intent at all. I'm not trying to downplay your curiosity or exploration of self, or the mental health experiences that you've had. you're the predominant expert on yourself, and you can feel free to disregard all of this.

having said that:

what you're describing doesn't sound like it's solely a depression thing or necessarily an asexual thing at all. it sounds like being a busy 23 year old with a lot on their plate and having more pressing things to focus on than sex, even though sex sounds kind of nice. that's very normal for lots of people whether they're asexual or not, and it's actually great to hear that you're aware that you're not in the best place for a relationship and that you're already comfortable in your own company. it may not be the most fun thing, but being self-aware and able to be happy on your own are both important skills to cultivate.

you definitely could be asexual! I'm not denying that! but just chilling sex-free while you're busy and stressed and tired with uni and other things isn't hard proof, especially when it sounds like sex is something you think would be fun and desired for you if it were a better fit for your life right now.

some further reading that may be helpful:

The Sex Myth (Rachel Hills) - one of the very first sex books I read back in my baby sex witch days; a helpful reveal that most people are, on average, not having as much sex as they claim or want to be having

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski) - neat insights from Dr. Nagoski about the ways that stress and other factors fuck with cis womens' sex drive and sexuality (and how to approach that with grace and self-compassion)

Ace (Angela Chen) - a phenomenal look at the experience of asexuality by an asexual writer, which may be helpful in determining if asexuality feels like the right label for your experiences

#sex edventures 2023

[subjugatingfeminists]

Introduction

I’m approaching 2,000 followers, so I figured I should add a more detailed introduction and maybe a mission statement of sorts 😏 First of all, this is an NSFW 18+ tumblr. That’s a hard rule. The block button is always there. Now you may be wondering things like, what is this tumblr about and how sexist is he really? Or, why does this guy come off like such a smartass and put so much effort into writing captions for porn reposts?

I’ll explain my thinking using the philosophy of Looney Tunes. Your typical MRA/red-pill/incel on here is Daffy Duck: loud, obnoxious, and completely lacking in self-awareness. And then there are men like me who are Bugs Bunny. If you watch closely, you’ll notice Bugs Bunny only fucks with those who have a ‘come-fuck-with-me’ vibe like Elmer Fudd. And I’m sorry to break it to you girls, but some of you are Elmer Fudd feminists. Don’t worry, it’s adorable 😘

I put effort into writing my captions because the brain really is the most important sex organ we have. Fucking each other online with our vocabularies is underrated, don’t you think? Most men on here shamelessly use their tumblr as a shorter route to women sending them titty pics like how those early explorers wanted to find the shortest possible route to Asia (guys, sorry to break it to you, but there is no true Northwest Passage on the internet). This is one of the few porn tumblrs on here that’s centered around an abstract idea: feminism versus patriarchy! It's a never-ending cultural 'tug of war' and this kink is for those with enough intellect to appreciate irony. Because ironically, this blog only works if you girls continue being feminists! However, it also means you have to put your feminism in a box and push it aside for a moment if you want to open up and consider why the pictures and themes of my blog make your panties so damp. Don’t be shy if you want to discuss theories on why your reactions betray your beliefs. We’re all anonymous on here, so how embarrassing is it really? Okay, it is very embarrassing, but that’s what makes it exciting, right? 😉

I’ve also made quite a few pen pals on here, so feel free to throw me a message about any interesting topic outside of sex like movies, music, politics, or history. And if my blog is ever destroyed by the Tumblr gods, then you’ll be able to find it resurrected with the same exact username with a number 1 after it. I’ve reposted less in recent months from being too busy, but I plan to return to the depravity this summer. Now here comes the exciting part!

I’ve been brainstorming on writing a long-term erotica that is based around a Patriarchal America setting, in which three feminist college students have three different, overlapping adventures in this new unexplored terrain. Absolutely no rights are taken away in the story, so no Handmaids Tale nonsense or any Stepford housewife robots. The story will include plenty of plot elements and themes that involve traditional gender roles, but it’s religiously secular. Since it begins with the 2028 election cycle, it will bring in real-life political dynamics and politicians, and briefly explain in the first chapter how a “Patriarchy Party” with a young charismatic JFK-esque candidate could use a unique policy position, effectively design and distribute propaganda, and take advantage of the electoral chessboard to defeat a Democrat and Republican at the polls (a certain orange-haired buffoon will be kicking and screaming out of the White House after losing his bid for a third-term). It will also have a twist ending that everyone might find surprising!

I want to brainstorm on this story with you girls! How well-written and stimulating can erotica potentially be? Can a male author write believable female characters when it involves a plot as strange as this? Let’s find out together. Bonus points if you fit the stereotypical feminist college student model and have any input. Speaking of which, I’ve received a lot of fan mail on here, but unfortunately I still have yet to come across the tumblr feminist of my dreams: the blue-haired, braless, feisty, fire-breathing gender studies major who wants to crush the patriarchy. I've never even met one in real life. Do these girls actually exist?? Maybe one day she’ll roll into my DMs and say “hi.”

[girlgerard]

hi! what are your thoughts on this post/thread? just genuinely curious!

well first of all i think it’s a little weird that whenever something about racial dynamics gets brought up, i and the few other active poc mcr blogs all get asks about it. i don’t think you meant anything bad by it, but it feels quite tokenizing. second, yeah i think they’re right, somewhat. don’t think i’m going to simply say boohoo they’re wrong, gerard is my blorbo. gerard is chronically white and goyische, in a way that’s extremely cloying if you look at their writing and general interests. they themselves have actually commented on this, expressing that they regret almost exclusively writing white characters in their comics cause it was, in all honesty, a stupid fucking decision. yes, gerard is incapable of writing characters that are not self-inserts, and they are in fact a white person, but they’ve consistently demonstrated ignorance in racial diversity, something that’s juxtaposed harshly against their welcoming inclusive nature of queer and trans characters. so yeah, i think the basic points that post made made have a lot of truth in them.

i do, however, disagree with the general conclusion and motivation behind the post. it starts off with a statement that people should acknowledge that everyones ‘faves’ are problematic, which is true. ‘your faves are problematic’ is a clumsy twitter way of saying that no one is infallible and everyone has biases blind spots and fuck ups, and understanding that is important for growth and progression. the way the post is written, however, does not follow that model. the post is essentially singling out gerard as irredeemable and A Racist, which i disagree with. gerard writes like every other white person raised in a conservative white town with zero bias training. they are not a rare breed in terms of racial ignorance

i understand op’s anger - absolutely i do. being a brown person in this fan space is fucking garbage, to be quite honest, and the band has never made that any easier. it’s good to point out gerard’s inadequacies in their writing and the harmful stereotypes they weave into their narratives, because they should learn and grow from those criticisms. it’s irritating and disappointing that its taken them fifteen years to even start learning about racial dynamics in storytelling. it’s also good to tamp down on the hero worship. i love gerard, obviously, more than i’ve loved any figure i’ve never met. i am also incredibly aware of their white goyischeness. even their stupidass white wicca phase makes me uncomfortable, as well as the fact that they’re into surface-level conspiracy and goddamned morrissey. though i love their comics, the distinct lack of brown folk has always pissed me the fuck off. it’s glaring and transparently ignorant. however, calling them a straight up bad person for not understanding how to peer outside their own racial bubble is unproductive. once again - read any white comic writer’s material. they’re all like this. that doesn’t mean it sucks any less, believe me it hurts, but it does mean that gerard is not unique in this. it’s not an Isolated Gerard Issue - it’s an issue with their whiteness and their general ignorance at how that affects their artwork.

basically, i agree with many of the points op made, i disagree with their tone and conclusion, i empathize with what they’re feeling as a brown person and a jew in a white culturally christian fandom, and attempting to discredit all of gerard’s art because of their chronic and irritating whiteness is unproductive and inflammatory. acknowledge and criticize their faults; they have many, believe me. however, criticizing is different than crucifying.

white people do not add your own thoughts to this post. god knows you’ve said enough. and please please think before you ask random brown people on the internet what their thoughts are on a controversy simply because it’s about a Brown Topic. it’s quite exhausting. we are not here simply to answer questions this white fandom panics in the face of. i answered this ask because i got no less than five asks about this topic, and i thought it was important enough to respond to, but please think before you tokenize

also please don’t tag op or smth lol i’m not arguing with them i’m just saying i think their conclusion is unproductive while also agreeing with their calling out of important shortcomings people in this fandom ignore.

#i’m not mad at you at all btw don’t worry #it’s just. every time something Brown happens all the brown people in this fandom get flooded with asks about their opinions #especially since im a gerard blog it feels like people just want to say ‘well THIS brown person likes them so they did nothing wrong!!!!’

[edenspetals]

nsfw headcanons with Lisheng? <3

·⊰ pairing. lisheng / reader

·⊰ summary. nsfw headcanons with lisheng ( minors dni ៸៸ sexual content ៸៸ explicit descriptions ៸៸ biting ៸៸ praise ៸៸ edging ៸៸ overstimulation ៸៸ rutting ៸៸ dirty talk ៸៸ fingering )

·⊰ notes. as you wish <3

ଓ.° A dom-leaning switch, this kitsune adores showering you with affection and pleasure. He is more of a giver than a receiver, but he will not be opposed to letting you pleasure him should you so desire

ଓ.° Lisheng has always been one with words, so it's no surprise that he would delve into dirty talk — lots of it. He wants to ensure that you are aware of just how gorgeous you are beneath him, how pretty you look with your face scrunched up in pleasure and how cute you are when you whine and call out for him

ଓ.° On that note, he absolutely adores praising you. However, this can also lead to things such as sugar-coated degradation. If he's feeling particularly teaseful he'll mimic your pleas as a small mockery, finding it so cute when you beg him

ଓ.° To continue that thought, Lisheng can edge you on for who knows how long. He's always keen to overstimulate you and the first step to that is edging, is it not? Again, he finds it absolutely adorable when you beg for him.

ଓ.° One of his favourite things to do outside of the bedroom is get reactions out of you, so it's only natural that such a notion would apply when he's pleasuring you as well. He wishes for you to let go of any and all restraint when it comes to him, to watch you completely give yourself to him. He's always trying new things to catch you by surprise and leave you flustered

ଓ.° Biting is one of his more prominent kinks. He'll leave his mark not only on your neck but places where you'll be able to catch sight of throughout the days to come. For instance, your wrist and forearm. It's kind of like his own little claim on you. Sometimes he'll even smudge some of his lipstick on your neck. Sometimes.

ଓ.° Very much into temperature play. There are times that he'll let his fingers grow warmer in temperature while he's fucking you with them, all courtesy of his fox fire, of course

ଓ.° About fingering, it's his go-to form of foreplay. Mostly because he loves teasing you for coming undone on just his hand alone — despite knowing damn well that he has more than enough skill to get you off on his fingers all night long

ଓ.° Stamina is high as hell thanks to him being a kitsune. Which may not be the best of things for someone who prides himself in overstimulating you. He'll leave you a babbling and spluttering mess, just so that he can awe in your beauty and spoil you with tons of aftercare and pampering later

ଓ.° Honestly not opposed to doing it anywhere. If you are comfortable with it he doesn't mind the risk of semi-public sexual acts either. Just be aware of what you're starting — he'll drag you off to nearest enclosed place the second you tease him a little too much

ଓ.° Loves tying you up with ribbons, especially red ones. To have you so helpless beneath him with his favourite colour complementing your gorgeous self — it's enough to get him off then and there

ଓ.° So much thigh riding and rutting. Once more, he'll tease you, placing a hand on your throat as you desperately chase relief on this thigh. Telling you how good you are for him. Asking in such a honey-dripping voice: "aww, does my darling want to cum?" On the rutting side of things, he just enjoys trapping you beneath him and getting you off with prone-boning — it tends to get him a little desperate too

ଓ.° As a kitsune, he experiences a 'heat' season of sorts. He's always sure to let you know beforehand as he tends to get a little more, feral, for lack of better terms. Not only that, but desperate as well. He'll definitely need you around to give him relief. Once again, not the best of things for a man who prides himself in overstimulating you. More often than not, you're both left breathless by the end of it

·⊰ masterlist.

·⊰ consider supporting me?

·⊰ taglist form. @kiatheinsomniac

#— ꒰🥀꒱ 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐦 ៸៸ lisheng ଓ.° #monster boyfriend x reader #terato #terato x reader #monster x reader #kitsune x reader #oc x reader #smut #minors dni #kitsune oc #writing

[egotisticalmachine]

sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

#asks #advice #teefiesworld #also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research #but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it #like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'' #''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol'' #and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely #until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception #over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism #its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity #but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me #all about striking that balance #not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be #bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior #idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like #i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc #btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u

[goldeneyedgirl]

Look! You hit me in two of my weak spots with baby-verse: first because I l-o-v-e hybrid (I got to know your fics because of that one back in 2020?? 2019?? idk) and because I also love babyfics (which is a fact I'm not particularly proud of, but yours is the only real good one I've read in a while). My question is actually about the dynamic Rosalie-Olie, because Rose is a character who has a difficult story with babies, and I think the way you write her is so cute and honest with her character. In the story, is this whole thing a healing experience for her or would you say it's more painful? And how her relationship with Alice changes (if it changes) with that? (Also I have to add that I'm loving FicMas so far, it's like the ultimate Jalice event on this fandom in my opinion)

Anon! Thank you so much for enjoying Hybrid. That is the most self-indulgent fic to date and for a while, it felt like everyone was politely ignoring that so it always makes me SO happy that Hybrid has a fanbase? It's unhinged, it's meant to be a bunch of fun, I love that people want to read it.

And thank you for the incredible comment about baby-verse. I am indifferent to kidfics, honestly, and most of them are terrible. Baby-verse spawned mostly out of frustration and spite about the state of baby fics and how deeply unequipped Alice and Jasper are to be parents in any universe. It would never be a choice they made for themselves, and I think if you want to stay true to them as characters, you need to recognize that. But that's a rant for another day.

SO, about Hybrid!Rose. It's really both? I think that it reopens a very raw wound for Rose, but in a way that allows it to heal stronger. She'll never have babies, but she gets to watch her favourite brother's son grow up and be a part of that? It's very bittersweet and complicated for her, definitely.

This is a version of Rosalie that thinks Alice is erratic and childish and has a bad temper, and she has no idea why Jasper is so in love with her. Rose is not a fan at all; she just tolerates Alice better than Bella because Alice isn't human and giving up a Normal Life to be with Jasper, and because Jasper isn't making his relationship with Alice a family priority - Jasper would actually prefer less family involvement.

And then Alice walks in holding this beautiful baby boy that looks so much like Jasper, Rosalie knows instantly that this is her nephew. In that first moment, it's love at first sight. Rose will die for Oliver without a second thought.

The pain comes later, and Emmett does a lot of heavy lifting there, letting Rose hurt and emote over the fact that life isn't fair and reminding her that she needs to find the good in the situation. She can grieve her own dreams and celebrate Oliver at the same time. No one in their family is going to begrudge her for hurting, but she cannot place her suffering or her healing solely on Oliver's shoulders. (And Rose does support Emmett through a similar thing - that it fucking hurts that the one family member who has expressed his lack of interest in children suddenly has a healthy son.)

It takes time - Rose desperately wants a distinctive place in Oliver's life, and she knows that having a friendship with Alice is necessary to that, so Rose tries. She's polite and friendly, and tries not to offer unsolicited advice or abscond with Oliver when Alice is at the Cullens. She's intensely aware that Jasper needs to bond with his son before she gets to bond with her nephew, and that Alice makes all the decisions whilst Jasper is still coming to terms with being a father.

Most of the time, Rose is successful, but sometimes she gets a little pushy - especially when it comes to things that would keep Oliver closer to the Cullens. Rose is a big advocate for Alice and Jasper to immediately get married, and a lot of that is seizing the opportunity to have Oliver in the house full-time. Alice is not interested in marriage - she's only eighteen and she has her own family, and she and Jasper are still working through their issues - and honestly, Emmett's relieved because he doesn't think Rose is ready to have the baby around 24/7.

But Alice and Rose do slowly form a friendship. It's a basis of mutual respect - Rose respects the fact that Alice is now apart of the family, that she's a capable mom and a good partner for Jasper. Alice respects the fact that this is really hard for Rose, and change doesn't come easy for vampires. And they both adore Ollie and want him to have a happy, normal childhood. Alice does trust Rose with Ollie in a way that she doesn't trust anyone else at the beginning - a mutual understanding of the maternal instinct, perhaps? And as Oliver grows up, Alice and Rose end up being friends on their own merits - they both like fashion, they both like fast cars, and they both have loud and clear opinions.

Oliver is also very, very close to Auntie Ro and Uncle Em - he grows up with both of them dropping any task to play with him, with special sleepovers, with having Rose and Emmett spoil him and love on him so much. So as much as Rosalie will always mourn not being a mother, being able to be there for Ollie's childhood is healing.

(And thank you. Ficmas started as a bit of a silly thing, I am so glad that everyone enjoys it. Definitely thinking of mixing it up for 2024 with an actual request form so I can see What The People Want.)

#asks #my fic: hybrid baby-verse #rose has to heal on the fly in Official Babyverse #in the OG edition she has to watch alice be pregnant and gets more time to come to terms with things

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trimax Thoughts Vol. 12 Pt. 2

Second part of my stream of consciousness let's goooooo

There's some kind of irony in Knives' assault leading directly to humans becoming increasingly more aware of the Plants' sentience and attempting to communicate with them - now, after he has thrown it all away, thinking it would never be possible. You could still say that the humans are doing this out of desperation (true!) but it's interesting that more people are coming around to the idea of communicating with them over the idea of "acceptable casualties and thus "dehumanizing" them (for lack of a better term) further.

Sorry I'm not sure I have anything to add but the whole story about the village gives me a lot of thoughts that I will be chewing on. "How little we know" <-our experiences are limited. I think this is the crux of it, isn't it? We spend the whole story emphasizing the mystery of Plants and the lack of understanding that humans have, but other humans can be just as much a mystery if we are not willing to find a reason for their actions - which may or may not be justification. If you don't, it's easy to see things only through your own limited lens, to become judgmental and accusing based on your own standards of what righteousness is.

Yeah I knew someone was going to panic and attack. That is still human nature.

OMG HOME, MERYL AND MILLY INTERVENTION!!! Vash you and these people have just been saved by that personal kind of love (not the distant one) that you have avoided for so long.

Awww Meryl. "He didn't get to see me be epic!!!" I saw you be epic Meryl. I love you. (She wants to prove that she can help in a way that matters... but Meryl you already have. So much. Vash unfortunately just has serious issues with accepting help...)

"That's right. I'm not alone." <- CORRECT

Domina... :'(

Love the reversal here. We knew Domina for such a short time, and yet there's so much mutual respect between her and Chronica. Domina spent the time thinking about how collected and rational Chronica is, but here Chronica believes that Domina had the better judgement. (Fascinated by the impersonal wording here though - "salvaging the persona". Idk the language used around the Earth Independents is so interesting to me.)

:( nooooooo...

Heck yeah LIVIO!!!

Oh god he's so awkward 😂

Oh he's so fucking cool

Man. Knives sees that Vash is about to die and loses most of his resolve to kill him. There is a reason he keeps needing to obscure faces before hurting Vash - either his brother's or his own. I find it so funny that his solution is basically just "you know Vash you could just stop now, you can't keep this up" - not only because this was basically Conrad's intention with Knives, but also because. there is another solution. you. could also stop. ...but that won't happen. :/

Chronica entering the fused mass!!! So they really don't have a defined sense of self. Interesting... I have some thoughts on this but as always my brain is just screaming.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"You no longer have to burn out... in a reality that's too painful to bear." HHHHHHH

...lights... the resolve to continue only when the world goes dark and the glow of people still trying to live slowly break through it... (sorry needlessly dramatic there)

IN COMES LIVIO WITH AN ENTIRE SET OF DOORS AND THE WALL IT CAME FROM! (whoa he actually hit Knives omg...)

Elendira jumpscare. Where did she come from???

Ohhhh oh my god. This is intense ok. Chronica is on the warpath against Knives because of Domina. Legato intervened and has some. Weird weapon. I'm. Yeah. Vash is already well past his limit and... I need to think on this because he really does seem genuinely freaked out by Legato in a way he isn't with anyone else. Anyways. Elendira coming from nowhere to attack Livio. Hm. I'm sure this is going to go well. AHHHHHH

Oh!!! Finally Legato backstory???

Ah. Ok. Holy shit. That. Explains a lot actually. His reaction to those women at the beginning of the story, even though they were all going to die in the end.

Ok. Ok. I. Legato can actually control Knives' actions to some extent. It really is a full willingness to stand by his side that keeps him there. I mean I figured but still. And Knives... trusts him to do that???

God I just. He cut his hair. New hair, new outlook - being reborn. "Two people against the world". Two very lonely people. "I wanted to know him." "What's your name?" Wow. Ok this is so much. I feel like I need to go back and review all their scenes after I'm done reading.

Well. There are two more volumes. How will this wrap up. ?????

#storyrambles #trigun #trimax #trigunbookclub

[troublewithvampires]

@chaieyestea said: 💐 (feral about Sal, feral about flower symbolism. puts them together in a blender and shakes it)

💐 BOUQUET - create a bouqet for them! what do those flowers mean? are any of the flowers their particular favourite?

//YEAHH YEAH YEAHHHH!!!! ok before we start i wanna just call out that a lil bit ago i started writing a short story about salvatore centering around flower symbolism, but i never ended up finishing it. i kinda wanna do that now but we'll see idk it's 2 am

so i am gonna interpret this prompt as just collecting a batch of flowers that have symbolism relating to salvatore and themes around him as a character--i'll only do five, but trust me i can keep going.

but i do also wanna say i just imagined someone actually *giving* him flowers and how flustered and embarrassed but flattered he'd be. he'd call them a dumb bitch and insist he hates them but then he'd hold the flowers close and refuse to let go of them.

now. the flowers. disclaimer: i am not an expert on flower symbolism and my research into these was very brief. once again under the cut <3

Persian Speedwell - travel, kindness, loyalty, protection.

the symbolism here is probably a bit obvious--salvatore is a character for whom loyalty is important above all else. he was taught from a young age to value loyalty and to *be* loyal, never turning his back on those who depend on him. this also extends into him being overprotective of those he cares about, especially post-vampirism.

i also think travel fits in well, because i imagine him and jason travel around for a while before they settle down with their daughter. for many years, it's just them against the world, really, traveling around in jason's shitty van.

and as for the kindness part... well, sal would argue that one doesn't apply to him, but it definitely does. he's not good at being compassionate, but he *can* be very kind.

Wolfsbane - misanthropy

once again, a bit obvious. though i wouldn't classify sal as misanthropic most of the time, it's undeniable that he has a lot of anger in his heart, a lot of deep-seated rage an despair at a world that he views as having abandoned him at best, and actively hurt him at worst. in many ways, sal is deeply angry and hopeless.

another reason i list wolfsbane here, though, is that wolfsbane in particular is a plant associated very strongly with the occult. while it's more heavily associated with werewolves, i think that's a fun connection to make for a supernatural character in general.

aaand lastly. well. wolfsbane is very poisonous, and it's a staple in both historical and modern fiction for that. (not to say that it's only ever been used as a poison in *fictional* settings, of course, but still.) i haven't found a specific correlation in terms of how it's been used throughout history, but i think it's interesting that in fiction, wolfsbane (or aconite in general) is sometimes used for assassinations of powerful figures.

salvatore was never, like, the leader of the gang or even particularly powerful in the mob, but he *did* have some power as one of nickels' most trusted men. arguably, his death was an assassination in that sense. (and it also later led to nickels himself being murdered, so. welp.)

Coltsfoot - justice shall be done

i'm tying this one to salvatore's desire for revenge against those who hurt him, especially victor. while i don't think salvatore is *completely* lacking in self-awareness about his craving for vengeance, i also think he sees it as dishing out justice more than anything. justice shall be done, starting with every person who contributed to salvatore's downfall and eventual murder.

but even for people who didn't hurt him, sal does not have a hard time at all justifying killing people. not to say he thinks he's always in the right for doing so and that he's always ~dishing out justice~ but... ok a big example that comes to mind for me on this front is like. so the vampires who turned sal.... sal fucking murdered them. all of them. and he justified it to himself because he figures... vampirism is a fate worse than death, and these things would've gone on to kill and turn dozens more people if he let them go. so, it's better to kill them all.

Mourningbride - unfortunate attachment, "i have lost all"

YEEEEHAW ANOTHER BUMMER ONE!! okay anyway-

i associate this flower with sal in the sense that, like... very few of the people he was close to pre-vampirism actually reciprocated that care and devotion he had for them. salvatore has been exploited and abused throughout his life, and he doesn't really have a good sense of healthy relationships with other people, and he's incredibly easy to manipulate if you know what you're doing. "unfortunate attachment" indeed.

the other symbolism thing is pretty self-explanatory tbh. sal loses everything, and then he dies, and then he's brought back as a vampire and has to pick up the pieces.

Dandelion - overcoming hardship

i wanna end this on a good note, but i think dandelions are a really good flower symbol for salvatore. because i think they embody a lot of who sal is and the person he became post-vampirism. he was put through a horrific traumatic experience and turned into a monster, and yet he persists. he keeps going and he's not going to stop.

i also really love to connect the fact that dandelions are considered weeds in many places to the general lack of regard a lot of people in sal's life pre-vampirism had for him. he was useful, yes, but as a tool rather than a person. the person was a weed, but the tool was useful sometimes.

i'm very tired rn but like. something something the imagery of dandelions growing in cracked concrete vs salvatore emerging from the smoldering remains of the warehouse he was turned in, covered in blood and ash.

--

and as for a favorite flower of sal's... honestly, one of his faves is forget-me-nots! not for any particular reason tbh, but he likes them a lot. if he received a bouquet of those he would be very touched. they're also his go-to flowers to give those he cares about--even if he doesn't really get flower symbolism, these ones aren't hard to figure out. it's one of many ways sal may try to express love for someone without really knowing how to.

#❝ ain't no jesus here‚ billy boy ❞ 「 ooc 」 #❝ i'll talk your ear off‚ kid ❞ 「 answered 」 #❝ there i was‚ a gangster turned vampire on the loose ❞ 「 headcanons 」 #chaieyestea #//thank u bestie i owe u my life #//and now i go sleep