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lolsonic-idk-man · 4 months

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Talk to Me: part 3

I'VE FINALLY DONE IT! like a week ago

Part 1, Part 2, part 4, part 5

It has around 3650 words so definitely the shortest chapter. Anyway, I've made my sister cry and I have some trigger warnings :D

TW: Suicidal idealization, Attempted self-harm, panic attacks.

How was Nightmare meant to feel?

Dream was crying, wailing the following day, sometimes sobbing words of discouragement to himself.

Nightmare would normally relish the idea of hearing Dream suffer, but…

No. Maybe the horrible turning in his chest was because he hadn't gotten the chance to see Dream's suffering. Yes, that had to be it, he wanted the true satisfaction of seeing Dream's suffering, not just hearing it.

Sci would more likely than not have some cameras that would do, somewhere in his lab. He would be sending Dust to pick up at least ten, he has had quite enough of Sci for a month.

In the meanwhile he and the rest of his men would survey Dream's hiding place after he made his return to the Omega Timeline.

Nightmare knew that Dream's place was probably massive,(Why wouldn't Dream pamper himself? He's the oh-so-loved guardian of positivity.) It was going to take a time to properly comb his house.

The sooner the better he supposed.

A quick study of the tracker's precise location before it went offline was all Nightmare needed for a portal of swirling negativity to open in front of him.

" So this is where the banana comes to be alone huh? " Nightmare's right hand said as they entered the small apartment. " Would have thought he would choose somewhere nicer, ya know, being the Guardian and all. "

Horror granted an affirmative to Killer's note.

The apartment had only one room and a tiny bathroom that sat right next to an even smaller closet with three sets of Dream's usual drapings hanging and black strapless jumpsuits folded on the ground. A twin-sized mattress lay on the ground opposite the closet. A counter, sink, mirror that could be opened, and cupboard sat on the same wall as the door, facing the end of the mattress.

Frankly, the worst part had to be the smell of mold that had wrenched itself into everything. (How did Dream not reak of mold? HE'S SLEPT HERE.)

Was this what Dream had let himself fall into? Did he truly live in such squalor? He came here to cry? Pity himself? Hide.

Didn't matter. All this did was make Nightmare's life easier. He could ambush Dream here, watch to find more weaknesses of his.

See? Nightmare could work with this. It's not like he cared about Dream's well-being, and it's not like Dream cared for him, regardless of the lies he spewed during their battles.

He supposed the only problem with this was that there were very few places a camera could go without being noticed, if any at all. He could always hope that Sci would come in with a somehow perfect device for the situation.

Actually, who needs hope, it's Sci, he always has something.

On the topic of the coffee addict and cameras, he should probably get Dust before he agrees to be a test dummy for one of Sci's experiments.

A portal grew from the shadows as Nightmare instructed his boys, " Find somewhere to place video equipment, I will retrieve them and Dust. " He walked through the swirling negativity as he finished.

Fuck, he was too late.

Dust was seated in a cheap office with one of his arms strapped to a metal table by him as he scrolled through his phone with his other hand, with Sci ready to inject Dust's arm with some unknown subsistence.

Nightmare's tentacles were quick to yank the needle out of Sci's hands grabbing his attention, " What was that for!? "

" You were about to inject my subordinate with something, and for all I knew it could kill him. " Nightmare snarled

" Oh please like I'd give him something like that, " Sci rolled his eye-lights. " It's just enough amino amides to knock out his ulna and radius so that I can get a proper sample. "

" And what do you plan on doing with it? " Nightmare crossed his arms, his tentacles twitching like a cat's tail.

" Figure out the density of magic that makes up his body. "

" Why would you want to know this? "

" Don't know, " Sci shrugged. " Thought it'd be interesting. Maybe useful in a medical field of some sort. "

" How large would this sample be? "

The scientist turned his head back to Dust's arm and studied it for a moment. He placed his hand on its side like a knife at the start of Dust's forearm, turned back to Nightmare, and shrugged.

" No, you can't have Dust's forearm. " Was he going to have to scold Sci like a child?

" Why not? He agreed to it. "

" I am his guardian, and I will not be giving you my consent. " Nightmare growled.

" So you admit you see us like your kids? " Dust piped up, still scrolling through his phone.

" I never said such a thing. "

" You said you're our guardian. "

" That is my title, and with how I have to look after you all I may as well be. "

" So you admit being like a father figure? "

" Do not put words in my mouth Dust. "

" I'm telling the Horror and Killer. "

" You will not. "

" Too late. "

The Guardian of Negativity rubbed the rig of his nasal cavity and groaned, already done with the next week. " We’re setting up so get your duff off that chair and grab the supplies. "

Dust shrugged and waited for Sci to finish grumbling about how Nightmare couldn't understand as he removed the straps holding his arm down and handed him the box with all of the supplies.

With the cameras in hand, Nightmare pulled Dust through the still-open cut in reality back to Dream's run-down apartment. Nightmare would not adjust to seeing that this was the type of person he hated so.

" Have you figured out where to place them Killer? "

" Cours' Boss, " His right hand gestured to a corner of the mostly empty closet, and the now open cupboard that only had a cup and plate. " And we could tempt underneath the mattress, but I don't think any of us want to touch it. Don't know what's growing on that… Maybe Horror would! "

A firm slap to the back of his skull that made him wobble and a growl from Horror was the only thing he got from the statement.

" Well damn, okay, just a growl would have been fine, " He turned to Horror in fake annoyance. " Who am I kiddin', it was well deserved. BUT! Onto more pressing matters, " Killer turned to stare Nightmare down with his non-existent eye-lights. " You admitted to being the fatherly figure none of us had/remember having? "

" No. "

" HE DIDN'T STAB ME! WE HAVE A CONFIRMED FATHER FIGURE! "

Oh for fucks sake.

~~~~🌕~~~~

Luckily after his subordinate's celebration, the rest of the setup went without a hitch. The cameras were smaller than they had thought, making it easier to hide them, and considering how little space there was, it was quick.

Dream didn't return to his hole that day or the day after, he came back after the Bad Sanses next supply run.

" It's fine Dream, you're fine, he says it every time, nothing has changed, nothing has changed, nothing. Has. Changed. " Dream was leaning over the sink staring at his reflection. " And… it won't ever change… he'll always hate me. " Dream looked like he was slowly reaching a tipping point.

" Did he always hate me? Was I just that terrible of a brother? How many times have I asked myself that, far more than I should have that's for sure. " Tears flow from his eye sockets. " He may as well have done it out of spite. I wish I could tell myself how wrong I am, how he wouldn't have done it just because he hates me, b- but it's clear that I never knew him. " A smile that didn't match his quivering eye-lights tightened its thread.

" Why can't I let go? "

The dim glow of Dream's tears fell in silence, filling the sink's shitty plumbing.

What was the sting in Nightmare's chest? Why wouldn't it go away!?

Why did his anger only make it worse?

Dream ended up sleeping on the mold-ridden mattress that night and arose with dark bags that challenged Nightmare's corruption underneath his sockets.

He struggled to even sit up and used the wall to force himself to stand so that he could wobble his mostly asleep legs to the mirror and open it.

Inside were a few bottles and pellets of white creams or compacted dust, Dreamed reached for one of them without thinking and applied it underneath his eye sockets in an attempt to hide the bags that had formed.

Once finished he placed it back, closed the mirror, and looked himself in the socket.

Why were Dream's eye-lights so dim? So dull. He looked so tired like he had pulled three all-nighters and run a marathon every day. Where was the blinding light that Nightmare was forced to adjust to so that he could fight him?

Dream let out a shaky breath after a few moments and attempted to sew on a smile, only for the stitching to be wired. " Come on Dream, you've been doing this for the past… all, your life… " His eye-lights dimmed as he sank into thought.

" NO! No, no. New idea, I stop thinking and get back to smiling, go to the Omega Timeline, and act like I never came here! " A strained smile forced its way to Dream's face. " yeah… I never went through that… "

Dream stayed quiet, still trying to make his smile seem natural and forcing his eye-lights to be brighter before opening the bathroom door and walking into a world that was not there before.

Well now Nightmare knew how people got into the Omega Timeline, but it probably wasn't that simple.

Anger swirled in Nightmare. At whom? He didn't know. But it didn't matter his frustration would just be let loose whenever he deemed the positive side of the spectrum grows too large.

To which it did.

Dream had barely gotten the word " brother " out of his teeth and Nightmare lashed out. His tentacles were lanced with the intent to kill and his words to scar.

And it seems that his words succeeded. The Guardian of Positivity entered his tattered apartment a little more than an hour later and immediately fell to the ground, pulling his legs to his chest and burying his skull in them. His breathing started to quicken and become strained as he started to choke on his sobs.

" I'm a moron. I'm stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! " Dream started to murmur into his arms that curled around him. " I'm a selfish prick! I'm useless! So useless and so fucking dumb! I'm an asshole! He said so many times before! He's not my brother! He's not my brother, he's not my brother, not my brother, not my brother, not my brother, he's not, he's not, HE'S NOT! " A few ragged breaths, " I lost him a long time ago, I lost the right to call him my brother when I ran away like the useless selfish asshole I am. I just stood there, I just watched, I JUST FUCKING WATCHED. I ran away, I ran away from him, I ran away from everything instead of facing it like I'm supposed to. I let them hurt him when I was supposed to protect him because I'm useless, useless, useless useless useless! And I had the guts to cry about being overworked! I didn't work enough! The villagers were angry because I couldn't do enough! It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, my fault, my fault… "

He continued the loop for a few more minutes, slowing down till the only sound left in the room was the once-a-while hick in his breath as he slowly went limp, falling into sleep in the same spot on the floor that he started.

The black apple in Nightmare's chest stung. It wanted to go to its twin and comfort it, but it also wanted to hide. Run away from the pain that he caused.

But he didn't know why.

Normally his soul would sing to the idea of anyone's misery and especially loud at the idea of his brother's. After all, Dream neglected them for the villagers.

But Dream blamed everything on himself. Nightmare didn't even blame Dream that much. He couldn't blame Dream for the villagers' actions. They were not his.

In the past, he wanted to and did. The only reason he didn't now, was because his boys had questioned why he blamed Dream for what the villagers had done. (They also jammed the fact that Nightmare was much younger at the time and was no longer allowed to call his past form weak. BUT IT WAS!)

He admitted that he was a terrible sibling at least. He wasn't. So far that was one of the only good things to come from this venture, and with how it was going there was no point in having his boys waste their time watching this with him. He didn't want them to see his weakness.

Dream came back multiple times while Nightmare planned the next attack. Nothing new was said in his brother's latest cries for peace, the same guilty pleas as before. The only thing that was new were the stings of guilt from his soul and how they got worse every time he saw Dream's dim eye-lights.

His men had also grown worried for him as he locked himself in a room to watch and listen to his brother, but today was the first time any of them said anything.

" … Nightmare? " Horror was the first one to say anything.

" Is there something you need, boys? " The Guardian of Negativity looked up from his latest draft of a deal that should get them some new chemicals for Dust to play with and sell to Sci.

Killer, Dust, and Horror stood in the opened door of his office, each with varying levels of concern. " Not much, " his right hand continued. " Just wondering if you're okay, ya know, considering the Dream situation. "

Nightmare sighed knowing fully well that was what the question was going to be. " I am fine, just struggling to figure out what to do with the information we have. "

" Yeah, figuring out that you still care for someone is hard lol. "

" What did you say, Killer? " Nightmare's eye-light stared him down.

The sadist looked over to his coworkers, " See told you he hadn't figured it out! "

" Killer, what is the meaning of this? "

Killer chuckled a little, " Come on Boss, no one looks at someone who they say they hate having a panic attack so uncomfortable unless they cared to some extent~ "

" Out. "

A kackle, " Mmmkay, see ya Boss. "

That was a concept that Nightmare did not like. He had spent centuries with a hatred of Dream. How in all of the world could he care for him?

The statement that he hated oh so ended up being what he couldn't stop thinking about. Even during his latest battle with Dream. He was silent. Dream made a few attempts to talk to him, not once calling him brother, why did that hurt? All failed.

In all honesty, Nightmare was barely paying any mind to the fight, it was still in debate. And it seemed that his turmoil only stirred Dream's own.

" He didn't say anything… " Dream stood stunned and confused, to say the least. " Is that good? N-no, it can't be good, he was so angry last time. Is he planning something big? " He let out a singular huff of air. " Of course, he is, he always has something ready. But why was he so quiet? Was he trying to shut me up? That wouldn't be shocking, I doubt he's ever enjoyed listening to me blabber about things, even then. So what!? " Dream rubbed his face. " Am I just not worth talking to… Of course, I'm not worth talking to. When have I ever been? " He groaned, walked to his bed, and sat in the corner with his head hidden in his legs as he continued to question Nightmare's intentions.

Why? Why does it hurt Nightmare so? Why does Dream thinking he is only capable of causing pain, hurt his soul? Why in the name of Toby Fox would he care what Dream thought about him? Why would he care at all!?

Why does he want to hate the one being that has done nothing wrong to him? Why did he hurt Dream? Why did attempt to injure his brother?

Why did Dream still care for him? Nightmare had done nothing but torture him since he had been freed of his stone prison. What was wrong with Dream!? Maybe something was wrong with Nightmare?

Dream definitely had something wrong with him, (Didn't everyone in this multiverse?) He returned to the small apartment a few days later with a small purple cupcake with a candle. He placed it on the tiny counter and opened the middle drawer, hesitating before reaching in, grabbing a lighter, and placing it by the cupcake with his hand still around it.

He stared the dessert down, letting out a sigh as his eyebrow creased. " It's gonna be seven years tomorrow. Well, I guess 507 years. It doesn't feel like that though. It doesn't even feel like one… " Letting go of the lighter Dream makes his way to his bed and sits in the corner. " I should be 19 tomorrow, not 507. "

How did Nightmare forget such a thing? The following day was the day Nightmare gained his freedom, the day the villagers regretted their actions, the day Dream was trapped in stone, the day Dream was freed from stone, and the day they were created.

" What are you going to do tomorrow? What big event is going to push the balance to its limit this time? "

Silence.

" Why am I even doing this? Why would you want me to celebrate your birthday? "

Something shattered.

Dream's skull wiped to the source of the sound, the bathroom. Removing himself from his mold-ridden mattress and into the room of origin.

Glass was scattered across the room, when Dream opened the door – Yes, Nightmare had the decency to let his brother have the privacy of the bathroom. – A rock sat in the walk-in shower. Dream looked up at the small foggy window above the shower head that was now forever open.

" O-oh… " Dream's skull dropped. " Well, I guess that answers that… "

He sighs, " Why am I still doing this? Why am I doing any of this!? Why am I still fighting Nightmare!? Why am I trying to make sure the multiverse stays balanced when I couldn't even take care of a single village!? Or Protect my brother! I was the worst choice for this fucking job, also I never asked for it universe! "

Dream grabbed his golden cerite off his head and threw it across the room hitting the mirror, making glass spray all around the small apartment. " I never wanted to be your damned Guardian of Positivity! I just wanted to sit under a damn tree and listen to my brother! " Tears prick out of the corners of his eye-sockets as he screamed angrily at the multiverse. " Why can't I have that!? My entire life has been centered around making everyone else happy! But I can't be?

" I could've been a normal person! Nightmare could've been normal! No one would've hurt him, neither of us would have been so stressed, we could have just been happy!

" I could just stop, what would you think of that universe!? Mmmm? Mmmm? What would you do then? What would you do if I stopped working!? Mmmmm!? " A few heavy breaths. " I could… I could stop… I could just quit. " A crooked smile crawled onto Dream's face. " The multiverse would be thrown into chaos, but who cares? I could be selfish for once! Would it be that selfish though? The multiverse would probably be better off if someone else took the responsibility, and Nightmare would like that! He wouldn't have to put up with me anymore! And I won't have to do anything anymore! "

Dream rushed to the counter where he left the cupcake and opened the same drow that he got the lighter from, but this time pulling out a box cutter.

Was he?

His brother pulled out his soul, staring down at it wordlessly as he held the box cutter.

The once soft golden glow his soul held was gone, in the apple's stead was a brown rotting mush of what should be.

Had Nightmare pushed Dream to this?

He did, didn't he? Nightmare had done nothing but torture, someone who had tried their best for everyone, had their childhood stripped away from them, had a larger responsibility than anyone should bear thrown at them when they were young, and his brother.

Dream had done nothing but try to understand, try to fix whatever the problem was, and Nightmare only pushed him away and blamed him for feeling scared of his abusers.

A sound pulled Nightmare from his realization.

" No… " Dream pushed his rotting soul back into his ribs. " I can wait till tomorrow. That way it's a birthday present for both of us, I can be free and he can do it himself. Like he's always wanted. It should be easy enough, I can slow down a bit. Maybe I'll trip. I've been fairly tired lately after all. "

Nightmare's original plan for their birthday was to attack the Omega Timeline, hence why he was trying to find a way in. Now though it was definitely too late to attempt that and Nightmare had lost the will to after all he'd seen.

But he was going to have to do something, or Dream would probably kill himself.

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lloydfrontera · 1 year

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do you ever think how cruel the ending spoiler is? oh yes it sounds great on paper, a glimpse of the future, an avoidable ending, a peak forward in time. very useful ability. of course, there's the little detail of only being able to see the moment of death, but it's not so bad, after all such a powerful ability needed some kind of handicap, right? the system couldn't have someone using it whenever they wanted it or to see the exact moment they needed, now could it? except lloyd, clever, stubborn, pragmatic lloyd finds a way to cheat. sure, he can't choose the moment he gets to see, it is always the moment of his death. but. he can choose when to die. he can look around and decide this wasn't it, this isn't the ending he wants. and he can warn his past self about it. he just has do one thing. one very simple thing. how often did he think about it, how often it must've crossed his mind. and the thing is, lloyd doesn't want to die, he very desperately wants to avoid it. but it must be always be in the back of his mind, a reassurance, a back up plan, a last resort that is always right there. and sure, maybe he won't live to see it, but if it helps his past self save everyone he cares about, then surely it must be a price worth paying? surely it's a reason worth dying for?

after all what's his life against that of everyone he loves?

#nothing he isn't willing to give up he thinks as he goes through the reincarnation gate #sorry i'm being haunted by the failed timelines and avoided futures #how far into the tragedy does lloyd allow himself to be in before deciding he needs to try again #how it must be to close his eyes and have to trust that his past self will see him fail and try again #i just think lloyd can fit a few more mental illnesses still <3 #the greatest estate developer #lloyd frontera #the greatest estate developer spoilers #tw suicidal idealization #<- just in case #also #ask to tag #tged

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dreams-of-fate · 6 months

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From the end of the war onward, M.ingjue has struggled with suicidal thoughts and suicidal idealization. He had previously struggled with this over the years, but not nearly as much.

It's worse in the way that he already knows his death is impending with in the next few years at most and that Purification Tone only alleviates symptoms and not fixes the problem.

#hc ;; nie.mingjue #tw suicidal idealization #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide mention #;; ask to tag

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bpd-fueled-thoughts · 7 months

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*Favorite person comes online, does not reply to me, then goes offline.*

My thoughts: okay well since you don't fucking care, I'll just kill myself. How do you feel about that?

#*deep sigh*#i fucking hate having BPD #bpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd symptoms #living with bpd #living with borderline #tw mental illness #tw suicide #tw suicidal idealization #tw suicidality

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imsosocold · 11 months

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Why Junko first appealed to me all that time ago was that I saw her as the manifestation of the emotions you feel before you attempt suicide. There's the lows and highs and desperation and sorrow and manicness and just the overall feeling of wanting to destroy everything in your path and then yourself.

I don’t feel like that now but I still understand the draw.

#I still relate to Junko a lot #Seeking what can make you feel again even pain since it’s better than numbness #it’s an experience it’s an emotion it’s a brand new thing it grounds you to the moment #danganronpa #junko enoshima #vent #suicidal idealization #tw suicidal idealization #noelle’s rambles

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hurtmyfavsthanks · 7 months

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Whumptember day 28

“I never should have let it come this far” Failed hero | Hospital stay | Begging for help

Content warning: Some of Whumpee’s dialogue could sound like suicidal ideation. Self-harm in the form of overworking.

Whumpee couldn’t sleep. They rarely could, but it was especially bad when they were stuck in the hospital. They felt useless, desperate to claw their way from underneath the covers and get something done. More than that however, Whumpee was being kept awake by an overwhelming feeling of dread. Though they knew it was childish, they felt like a little kid waiting for a scolding.

They tried not to flinch when Caretaker walked in.

“Oh thank god–,” Caretaker rushed to their side, falling into the bedside chair and grabbing their hand. They were panting slightly, as if they’d run all the way to the hospital. “I came as soon as I could; I was so worried when they said you collapsed. What happened?!”

It was the question Whumpee had dreaded hearing. Not that it mattered, because Caretaker already knew the answer. As soon as their brain caught up, as soon as they noticed the bags under Whumpee’s eyes and the ink stains on their fingers, they’d realize. Whumpee averted their gaze.

Sure enough, Caretaker’s expression fell. “Whumpee–,”

“I know, alright? I overdid it. We don’t need to have this argument again,” Whumpee cut them off, pulling their arm away.

Caretaker didn’t look convinced. “We clearly do. You’re supposed to be in recovery Whumpee, not spending all day running yourself ragged. When was the last time you got a full night’s sleep? The last time you ate an actual meal?”

“I’m fine. I can do all that once this is over, and it won’t be until Whumper is caught.”

Caretaker sighed, some of the frustration in their expression fading. “We all want to see them caught, but we don’t know when that’s going to happen. You can’t put your recovery on hold for something that could take years.”

Whumpee squeezed their eyes shut, cursing themselves were the spike of terror that ran through them at the thought. Years. It could take years to find Whumper. What if Whumper found them first?

The beeping of Whumpee’s heart monitor sped up. Caretaker was kind enough not to mention it.

“You’re hurting yourself, and I can’t just watch you do it.” Caretaker’s voice wavered. “Do you know how scared I was when the hospital called me? Terrified. I thought,–I was so scared that something horrible had happened to you. You have to understand how much it hurts me to see you like this.”

Whumpee did understand, and they hated it. They hated making Caretaker worry, hated being the reason for their tears. It gnawed at Whumpee, making them feel guilt for something they had to do. They had to find Whumper.

Whumpee’s eyes stung, a shiver running down their spine. They bit their lip. “I should have never let it come this far. The reason I have to do this is because–,” because they’d been a coward. They’d been so terrified of Whumper, so terrified of everything, that they couldn’t bring themselves to leave the comfort of their bed. They’d wasted so much time. “--because I was being lazy. If I’d acted sooner, Whumper wouldn’t have had the chance to get so far. Now I have to catch up.”

“Lazy? Whumpee, you were recovering! You should still be recovering. You went through something horrible; nobody expects you to just be fine afterwards,” They could hear the tears in Caretaker’s voice. Caretaker grabbed their hand again, and this time Whumpee didn’t pull away. “Just–look at me.”

Whumpee did. Tears dripped down Caretaker’s face, their expression pleading. Whumpee could feel them shaking. “You’re killing yourself Whumpee, and I can’t watch it happen!” Caretaker shouted, choking back tears. “I can’t lose you again, not after everything that’s happened!”

Whumpee couldn’t stand to see them like this. “I’m right here, you’re not losing anything.

Caretaker shook their head. They held Whumpee tighter, as if terrified that they’d vanish right before them. “Please Whumpee, you have to stop this.”

But Whumpee knew they couldn’t stop. Not yet, maybe not ever.

At least if they were dead, Whumpee thought as Caretaker sobbed, they wouldn’t have to be so afraid of Whumper anymore.

#whumpee #caretaker #whump #stubborn whumpee #medical whump #tw: hospital #tw: suicidal idealation #whumptember #whumptember day 28 #whumptember 2023 #day 28: I should have never let it come this far/hospital stay #my stuff #whumpblr

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rubberduckyrye · 5 months

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So, a friend of mine showed me a "Kokichi Defense" video that mentioned one of my metas a couple of times. And while I watched it mainly to see if they referenced me anywhere else (and just for the shits and giggles), it does remind me of my own theories regarding Kokichi... and how a part of me st ill feels like I never quite finished analyzing his character as shown on screen.

I wrote a LOT about certain aspects of him, about the things I saw in his character arc and story--but despite me not really knowing what else I could have added to the table, it still feels like I left things on a cliffhanger. Like there was more to dig but that I couldn't see, or got burnt out to the point everything was a bit of a blur.

However... There is one thing I do know I want to talk about, and it relates to my Mass Mercy kill Theory, and why I believe that Kokichi's actions towards the mercy killing were genuine. Something that I was thinking for a long minute about after I had watched the defense video. Not something related to Kokichi, but to my perspective on things, and why I came to the conclusion of his Mercy Killing plan being more genuine than others like to believe.

It's because... well, I know what it's like first hand.

I think I mentioned it on my original theory that I didn't want people to argue with me about the Mass Mercy Kill theory in general because of "personal reasons." Well, this is why--it's because I know what that despair is like personally.

When I lived with my parents, it was a horrible situation no matter where I went. Abuse left and right, degradation, dehumanization, helplessness, worthlessness, hopelessness--there was no "safe" place for me. Hell, I once considered it to be safer to be homeless than to live with my parents, and had to be talked out of it by my friend.

When faced with such a despair... suicidal thoughts are easy to come by. Yet I think this is why my perspective on Kokichi's actions in the 4th trial are different than most--because where I think a lot of people don't think about their motivations for their suicidal thoughts as deeply as "I was miserable/depressed", I took the time to analyze it extensively. I guess you can say the thoughts I had during those times were so terrifying that, as a coping mechanism, I wanted to know its source.

I wanted to know what made me think living wasn't worth while.

Self esteem issues are often a big culprit, but... my main source for these thoughts, they were just... a plea for release. The mercy of death. The hope of everything just, finally coming to an end--because suffering was pretty much all I knew, and thought I would only know.

Mercy killing was introduced to my life in the form of pets who grew old and had to be put down, so the concept to me wasn't anything new. I knew when my first dog died, because my parents didn't lie to me about it. They told me straight up they put her to sleep. I was probably like five or six when my first dog died.

So when I had these horrible thoughts, it was really easy for me to like, immediately know where the desire was. I was suffering, so thusly death must be my only answer.

It is, at its route, mercy. Even in its most fucked-up, twisted form of logic, it was still a desire for mercy.

I think that maybe that's why I think of Kokichi's actions in trial 4 to be a genuine attempt at a mass mercy kill plan. Because I saw myself in that situation, except in a situation that was far more miserable and far more dire. One where living would be truly meaningless.

From that perspective, everything made sense to me, because I already know that feeling well. It was easy to make the leap of "Mercy kill everyone before the find out the horrible truth" in logic because I knew where step one was.

I often have memory problems when I think about my time with my parents--the first twenty years of my life. My mind actively tries to forget how bad it truly was, just for a semblance of normalcy. Like, maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe I was the one in the wrong.

But... no. That's just the lie my mind tries to tell me when I can't remember the first 20 or so years of my life well.

But yeah, sorry for the downer of a post. I just kind of wanted to get my thoughts out on it before I forgot.

#danganronpa V3 #kokichi ouma #DRV3 #suicide idealization mention tw #negative tw #mercy killing mention tw

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