#try and control the situation by pulling us all along on a podcast idea you lied about wanting to monetize | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bluejayblueskies · 3 years

Note

Please say more abt how Martin fits the closed off trait I'm begging 👁👁

Okay, so I got a bit carried away with this and it got quite lengthy....

I've put a TLDR above the cut and the details, transcripts, and general discussion below the cut!

TLDR: Martin is at his core a closed-off character who keeps his vulnerable feelings hidden and close to his chest. He instead focuses on caring for others and considering their feelings above his own, particularly in the case of Jon, who he cares for (sometimes to the point of self-sacrifice) throughout the podcast. His arc with the Lonely in season four and his interactions with Jon in season five demonstrate this lack of emotional vulnerability, and it's really only during the moments he spends by himself that we get significant insight into Martin's emotional state and inner thoughts.

Martin, to me, is a character who is very used to hiding how he feels. He tends to care for others at the expense of himself, has low self-esteem, and has a predilection towards the Lonely, all of which go hand-in-hand with somebody who is very used to hiding their emotions--particularly the negative ones--because they either think they're not important or that they're inconvenient and inappropriate for the situation. On a textual level, that's probably due to growing up with a sick (and likely unsupportive) mother who he had to take care of, where there was 'no time' for his emotions to get in the way or for him to prioritize himself in any way, shape, or form.

Martin is self-destructive, dislikes moments of emotional vulnerability, and (I would argue) genuinely struggles when he doesn't have somebody else to prioritize over himself. (His mother at first, but as the series goes on, Jon settles comfortably into this role for him.) Additionally, the biggest way that we, the audience, know anything about Martin's emotional state is when he's alone and self-reflecting (such as in MAG 170 and 186 or when talking to the tapes) or when he's forced to talk about something vulnerable (such as when Jon confronted him about his CV).

We don't get much insight into Martin's character between seasons one and three (at least not as much as we get in four and five), but I find myself drawn to this bit in MAG 118, when Martin is talking to Elias:

MARTIN

So what? I don’t get to be angry? I don’t get to burn things? Just, just run around, making tea, while everyone else gets to actually have feelings?

I think two things are important to note here. The first is that Elias is surprised (or least intrigued) that Martin is acting in this way--specifically, acting on his emotions in such a dramatic way. (And given that Martin is doing this as a distraction, rather than actually acting out because of his own emotions, maybe he's right to be surprised.) The second is that this line very much implies that Martin doesn't talk about how he's feeling, not like 'everyone else' does. He doesn't talk about it, doesn't act on it--just 'runs around, making tea.' And when Melanie comes back in after Elias is done, Martin immediately focuses on the plan and whether it succeeded, ignoring Melanie when she asks if he's okay or not. He closes himself off, and as far as we know, doesn't talk about it at all after that.

And then Jon goes into his coma, and we reach season four.

Martin is incredibly closed-off during season four. He's self-isolating, self-sacrificial, and approaching a state of genuine emotional numbness by the time he's cast into the Lonely. There's a lot to unpack there, but I'm going to focus on a few main things, many of which can be drawn from this bit in MAG 158:

MARTIN

It’s not him! It’s not anybody. It’s just me. Always has been. I…

When I first came to you, I thought I had lost everything. Jon was dead, my mother was dead, the job I had put everything into trapped me into spreading evil and I… I really didn’t care what happened to me. I told myself I was trying to protect the others, but… honestly we didn’t even like each other. Maybe I just thought joining up with you would be a good way to get killed.

And then… Jon came back, and… and suddenly I had a reason I had to keep your attention on me. Make you feel in control so you didn’t take it out on him. And if that meant drifting further away, so what? I’d already grieved for him. And if it meant now saving him, it was worth it.

When you started talking about the Extinction, though… you had me actually, then, for a while. But then – (laughs sardonically) then, you tried to make me the hero. Tried to sell me on the idea that I was the only one who could stop it. And that I’ve never sat right with me. I mean, I mean, look – look at me, I’m not exactly a – a chosen one. But by then I was in too deep. So I played along. Waited to see what your end game was, and here we are.

Funny. Looks like I was right the first time. It’s probably still a good way to get killed?

This monologue is a big insight into Martin's thought process during this season, and I'm mostly going to focus on two parts: the self-sacrifice and the prioritization of Jon.

Self-sacrifice

There's quite a bit of discussion about Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies, but less so about Martin's, both in this season and in season five. In my opinion, Jon's self-sacrificial tendencies originate from (among other things) survivor's guilt from his traumatic childhood experience with Mr. Spider, his increasing belief that he's less than human, and the fact that he prioritizes the lives of others over his own. Martin's self-sacrificial tendencies, while very similar, come from the fact that he thinks he only has worth if he can help and care for someone else and the fact that he doesn't think he's important enough to live. (For example, he says in MAG 158 that he's 'not exactly a chosen one' and says in MAG 198 that he's 'not important enough to kill.')

It's a subtle difference between these two things, and I would argue that while Jon's tendencies are more rooted in the 'help' (ie, 'I want to help other people and I will sacrifice myself to do it'), Martin's tendencies are more rooted in the 'hurt' (ie, 'I will sacrifice myself and other people will be helped in the process'). There is, of course, overlap, and it's not a black-and-white distinction between the two, but ultimately, I think Martin is so used to prioritizing others' emotions and needs above his own that when he's left mostly alone as he is at the end of season three, with the only person left to hold onto being in a coma (possibly forever), he falls back into the same patterns of self-destruction and closed-offness, only without the 'help' to go along with the 'hurt' because there is nobody left to help (especially after his mother dies). Ultimately, he joins up with Peter because he thinks it 'would be a good way to get killed.'

Prioritization of Jon

But then Jon wakes up from his coma, and now Martin has justification for his self-sacrifice again, because he can protect Jon by continuing to work with Peter!

... Maybe.

Jon isn't harmed by Peter during season four, sure, but he does climb into the coffin and visits Ny-Ålesund and is tracked down by Julia and Trevor and struggles emotionally and morally with his own humanity and is hurt, in a way, by the distance Martin puts between them. And I hesitate to place blame for the apocalypse on anybody but Jonah, but if we're going to argue in-canon that Jon was responsible for the apocalypse (he wasn't, but that's not the point of this post), then Martin contributed to that blame and responsibility because it was his actions and decisions that ultimately drew Jon into the Lonely and resulted in him getting the 14th and final mark. (Again, I don't think Jon or Martin are at fault for the apocalypse, but if we were to blame Jon, we could blame Martin as well.) It was only after getting that mark that Jonah was able to use Jon to end the world, something that was hugely hurtful for Jon. So did Martin really protect Jon at all by staying away from him and continuing to work with Peter? Or was that just a convenient excuse to keep self-destructing?

Jon and Martin, in my opinion, had very similar arcs in season four. Martin was sinking further into the Lonely and Jon was sinking further into the Eye. We hear a lot more about Jon's emotional struggle with this given that he's the POV character, sure, but Jon also talks about this with other people. He talks about it to Helen (MAG 152):

JON

…

When does it stop?

HELEN

(impatient) What?

JON

The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous?

And to Daisy (MAG 136):

JON

My – (large sigh) My memories of the coma are not clear, but I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I – I don’t know if I made the right decision; I’m stronger now, tougher, I can – (he cuts himself off) If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever? I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else, so if I can maybe – stop that happening, and the only danger is to me, I – I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario, the universe loses another monster.

But all we really get from Martin are the things he tells the tapes when he's alone and the monologue he gives in MAG 158. It makes sense that he wouldn't be as open, yes, given the nature of the Lonely, but I can't help but think of (MAG 154):

JON

The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it?

MARTIN

(no hesitation) You know, I think it always did.

Jon was always curious and hungry for knowledge; the Eye amplified it. Martin was always closed-off and isolated; the Lonely amplified that as well.

But then Jon pulls Martin out of the Lonely, they flee to the safehouse, and three weeks later, the apocalypse begins. Martin isn't as consumed by the Lonely as he was in season four, he's with Jon--the person he loves--for extended periods of time, and they're in an extremely stressful situation that's sure to be incredibly emotionally charged. There's a lot to be said about Jon's emotional vulnerability during season five and how Martin both pressures him for it and rejects it in different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I won't go too far into detail about the motivations behind how Jon is feeling and acting.

I will say, however, that in season five, Martin still continues to place a lot of focus on asking Jon how he's feeling, encouraging (or pressuring) him to share, and getting frustrated when Jon can't or doesn't (MAG 167):

MARTIN

Okay, so how exactly would you describe your current emotional state regarding all of this?

JON

I –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Go on, I’m all ears.

JON

I feel…

MARTIN

(go on) Mhm.

JON

(sigh) I feel… sad.

[Brief pause.] MARTIN

(flat) Sad.

JON

Very sad.

MARTIN

(*very* flat) Very sad.

[He sighs slightly as he says it. Their bags jangle.]

A few moments prior to this, Martin expresses displeasure that Jon is Knowing things about him, specifically pointing out his emotions (MAG 167):

MARTIN

It’s just – it’s weird knowing that you can know literally everything I think and feel. E-Especially since you’re not exactly the most open of people – emotionally, I mean.

I think Martin is making an effort to open up more to Jon. But I still think it's difficult for him to talk about how he feels so openly, and while he is completely in the right for not wanting Jon to Know things about him without his permission, I think it's interesting that the focus is on his feelings and that he brings up how Jon isn't emotionally open immediately after. It scares Martin to think that Jon could know, at any given moment, how he's feeling, and I think it's partially because he's not used to that level of vulnerability. He turns the focus on Jon, away from himself, and doesn't really make an effort to talk about how he's feeling about all of this, instead prioritizing Jon's feelings and mental state like he's grown comfortable with.

And when Martin bottles up his emotions--of which there are a lot, in such a stressful environment, they can explode out in hurtful ways:

MARTIN

(overlapping) I know! I know, okay, I just – (bracing exhale) Look, I j,just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever.

JON

Is that – a joke?

MARTIN

(a bit faster, a bit shaky) No, no, okay? I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!

I don't think Martin really thought about what he was saying when he told Jon, who has a large burn scar on his hand, that burn scars make him sick, and I don't think he meant it maliciously. But he'd spent the greater portion of the conversation talking around the fact that he didn't like burns and that was why he didn't want to go into the building, and so when it finally ended up coming out, it did so in an explosion of emotion rather than a conscious decision to share. Martin doesn't have a good handle on his emotions, and he doesn't have a good handle on sharing them.

(Is it too much for me to say that Martin was more emotionally vulnerable with himself in MAG 170 than he was with Jon when Jon finally found him?)

Throughout season five, Martin asks Jon questions, he expresses frustrations with Jon, he shows discomfort or fear at times, but for as much as Martin feels frustrated that Jon isn't talking about how he feels about their situation, Martin really isn't doing so either. The most he talks about his feelings is in MAG 170 and MAG 186, when he's by himself, and I remember MAG 186 in particular because before that, we really didn't know what Martin was thinking about for the majority of the season! And in this episode, we find out a lot of very important things about Martin's character. Like (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.

Also-Martin acknowledges that Martin often doesn't say what he means and hides what he really feels, telling him that it's 'hard to be vulnerable,' and Martin is initially very resistant to the idea. And then, when Also-Martin suggests that Martin wants to stay so that he can be 'quietly sad,' we get (MAG 186):

MARTIN

We could talk to Jon about it.

ALSO MARTIN

We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?

MARTIN

There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.

ALSO MARTIN

A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.

This is very interesting to me, because for all that Martin tries to help other people, he also believes that comfort doesn't always help and that you can't be your loved one's 'therapist.' I think this gives a lot of insight into why Martin doesn't share his emotions with the people he cares about, especially Jon; he doesn't want to put Jon in the position where he'll become his 'therapist,' and he doesn't necessarily think Jon can help. So instead, Martin just chooses not to be vulnerable at all, because he doesn't want to burden the people he cares about. But, when it's just him (MAG 186):

ALSO MARTIN

Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.

He doesn't feel like he needs to pull his emotional punches. He can't accidentally hurt somebody or put them in an awkward position; it's just himself. But what's said to himself remains with himself, and (at least on tape), he doesn't discuss any of this with Jon. Not even the bit about, if it came down to it, Martin would have rather had Jon smite him than continue to rule over a domain. He goes right back to being closed-off around Jon, but now we, the audience, know what lies underneath, and how little of it reaches the surface.

In fact, the thing Martin's probably most vocal about is how Jon's feelings about himself bother him (MAG 199):

MARTIN

I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? I try, but I can’t actually imagine ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you.

And it… It hurts to know you can.

And I think he has a tendency to use anger and frustration to cover up hurt, shying away from the admission that something Jon's done has hurt him (an incredibly vulnerable thing) and instead relying on the less-vulnerable and more external anger to cover it. This is more speculation than true analysis, but I think that's a lot of what's happening in MAG 200, when he discovers that Jon has already assumed the position of the pupil and has, in Martin's eyes, broken his promise.

#tma #the magnus archives #martin blackwood #tma meta #jonathan sims #(because i do talk about jon a bit in this too)#i actually think martin isn't good with emotions at all #both his own and others'#i think he doesn't quite know what to do with them so he puts on a mask and defaults to things he knows will work #*thinks about the low empathy autistic martin high empathy autistic jon post with love in my heart*

546 notes · View notes

officialwittek · 3 years

Text

pt. 3

*gif is not mine*

word count: 2,454

8:00 am.

The ringing of my alarm clock wakes me from my sleep. I grab my phone and scroll through the notifications. I look at the time and decide to get my nails done today, I call all my girl friends and ask if they want me to set an appointment for them to. Carly, Corinna and Erin agree, Natalie and Mariah were busy at the moment. I text them to meet at the apartment and call the nail salon. Thankfully they were open for 2 manicures, 2 full sets, and 4 pedicures.

I hop in the shower and rinse off before starting to do some simple makeup. Instead of my usual falsies I just curl my lashes and put some mascara on. I get dressed in a light blue tank top, a white cropped cardigan, and black yoga flared yoga pants with my white Air Forces. I went to the front door and unlocked it so Corinna and Erin could walk right in. I made some coffee and some tea for myself. After about 15 minutes Corinna and Erin showed up. Carly finished getting ready and we hopped into my car. Carly and Erin started vlogging while I quietly sang along to the music.

We finally got there and checked in. I showed the nail technician the photo, I got a medium length coffin shape with a glitter ombre. After about 2 hours our nails were finally done and we headed to get lunch with Nat, Zane, Todd, and Jeff. We grabbed a table at Olive Garden. Jeff “coincidentally” chooses the seat next to me. Jeff and I had always been touchy with each other, so it was no surprise when he instinctively puts his arm around my shoulder. I still felt bad about the other night, but I was fed up and drunk.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I understand that it was sort of a dick move to kiss you while I was drunk” I whisper, he looks at me in surprise and smiles

“I got my girl back” He exclaims, hugging me tightly as I laugh

We eat our lunch in relative peace, a few loud moments here and there. After lunch with everyone we decide to head to David’s house. Jeff, Carly, Corinna and Erin came in my car. We drove to David’s house blasting music with the windows rolled down. Our 20 minute journey ended and I parked my car. Corinna, Carly, and Erin exited to give Jeff and I some time to talk.

“Listen I’m sorry about snapping at you last night. I was drunk and upset. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole. But please talk to me as soon as I put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. I just hate being ignored, especially by you. Do you forgive me?” I ask, holding my hands out and he quickly hugged me

“You’re right. I should’ve talked to you. It was unfair of me to leave you hanging” Jeff replies, pressing a kiss to the top of my head

“Now, I got my dick grabbers done. Let’s test it” I joke, his loud laughs ring through my car as I unbuckle my seatbelt

The two of us enter the house and Jeff quickly runs to David to tell him what I said. I knew from the wide smile slowly making it’s way across David’s face. He grabs his camera and quickly runs to me.

“Sage why are you so horny all the time? And please tell me you don’t actually call your nails dick grabbers.” He says, I shove my hand in the camera and laugh loudly

“I’m only horny for Jeff get it right bitch” I reply sassily, David laughs loudly and walks away to film some other bets

“Maybe I should make my own channel” I joke, Corinna quickly whips around and screams

“YES PLEASE!! YOU CAN UPLOAD COVERS AND EVERYTHING. I WANNA BE YOUR FIRST SUBSCRIBER” she yells, catching everyone’s attention

“I’ll literally buy you a camera right now” David says, my eyes go wide and I quickly nod

We all pile into our cars and run to Best Buy. David and all our friends walk me through everything. I grab a Canon EOS M50 camera and a tripod for now. I had music equipment at the apartment. David pays for my things as my friends endlessly talk about what kind of videos I should make. Ranging from get ready with me, vlogs when I go to the studio, covers, styling videos, and the occasional challenge. I choose to start with one cover, one get ready with me, and one vlog a week. All our friends offered to teach me everything having to do with running a successful YouTube challenge. We clear the podcast room and have a makeshift recording session. I quickly scroll through my phone and find a song. ‘Gut Feeling’ by Ella Mai ft. H.E.R

‘Something in the walls

Something in your walk looks different

Something deep inside

Got me wondering why I don't understand

Why I can't put my finger on what the fuck is up

What's missing?

You're distant, and I'm spinning...’

“I’m literally speechless because I forget you can sing” Todd comments, my friends clapping

“Private gig! Private gig!” Zane chants, I roll my eyes playfully and put my playlist of my favorite songs on shuffle

After singing for my friends for about 15 minutes we decide it’s time to get ready to go out. David thought it would be a good idea to kill two birds with one stone today, throw a party for me to celebrate me signing with a label and getting content out of our dumbasses. The girls and I squeeze into my car and head to my apartment to get ready.

“Oh my god Corinna I’m so fucking you tonight” I say, watching her try on one of my dresses

“Good, I’ve been alone for too long” she replies, I wink at her and pick out an outfit for Natalie while Carly and Erin raid Carly’s closet

“Nat this is so perfect for you” Corinna compliments, I agree with a nod and go to pick an outfit

I settle on something a little more comfortable since I’m pretty known to blackout easily. I decide on a red spaghetti strap crop top, a white pleated skirt, and my red and white old school Vans with a slightly oversized leather jacket. Natalie, Corinna, and I work on our hair and makeup. I decide on my usual look with my hair in a ponytail. After about an hour we head back to David’s to pregame.

We take shots and I’m pretty tipsy by the time we all get in David’s Tesla. I find my seat on Jeff’s lap. We loudly sing along to David’s music on the way to the club. We all get in and head to the section that David got us. Zane, Toddy, and I instantly gravitate towards the bottles already there. The loud music making me ready to act a fool for David’s vlog. After another three rounds of shots I become one with the music.

“Where the fuck am I?” I joke loudly, somehow I ended up on the floor while Zane danced on me and I smacked his ass

“Ow you bitch” He slurs, I laugh and Todd helps me off the ground

“OHH SAGE” Corinna yells, and there it is.. the familiar beat to ‘Back That Azz Up’

Corinna instantly gets behind me while I twerk on her. Everyone in our section forming a circle. I spot Natalie on the couch and I walk over to her before giving her a lap dance. David films her reaction while Jason hands her a bunch of singles. She throws it on me while I dance. The mixture of alcohol and music making me lose myself. The song ends and I’m a little sad. Although the universe instantly answers my prayers and I hear the beginning to ‘Panoramic’. This time I decide to dance with Jeff.

“You ready bub?” I ask, he looks at me nervously

“Huh? Oh my-” Jeff replies, I bend over and start dancing again

After a few seconds he quickly finds himself dancing with me as best as he can. Our friends scream as he gains confidence. He pulls me up by my neck, leaving a hand there as he pours the vodka in my mouth. I swallow and turn so Corinna can grind on me. I feel someone behind me and turn to see Natalie. The three of us forming a chain. Which we keep up depending on the song. After two hours David taps me on the shoulder

“Alright guys, let’s go back to my place. It’s getting a little stuffy in here” I nod and hand Jeff my things

I find myself in the passenger seat. Never a good thing in David’s vlogs. Somehow Zane had walked out with a full bottle of vodka and we were all passing it around. Before driving David turns his camera on and I’m too drunk to listen to reason

“David.. I’m so drunk” I yell above the music, he laughs and turns the camera so I’m more in view

“Is there anything we should ask Sage since I think she’s the most drunk here” David says, turning the music down as our friends fall quiet to think

“Sage what are your thoughts on Jeff getting a boner after you danced on him” Mariah asks, I laugh loudly and hiccup

“My thoughts? Head empty, no thoughts” I reply, they laugh and continue asking me questions

“Sage if you were a man for a day what would you do?” Jason asks, also recording me

“Dude I’d honestly try to have a threesome with Natalie and Corinna” I reply, he laughs before replying

“You try to do that now” He says, our friends laughing loudly

The car ride seems like it went on forever. Finally we ended up at David’s house, I quickly run to the fridge and grab water. Wanting to sober up a little bit because I felt too out of control of my body. I chug the water and throw the empty bottle into the recycling bin. Jeff walks over to me and hugs me from behind. I smile lazily and sway to the music David is playing.

“Can we get DoorDash please” I whine, the group instantly nods while Jeff and I walk over to the group

“Get a room you two” Carly jokes, watching me cling onto Jeff while he sat me down

“I fucking wish” I say, quietly sipping my water as Natalie takes everyone’s McDonald’s orders

I decided on a 20 piece chicken mcnuggets with sweet and sour sauce and a Sprite. I blush as Jeff’s hands find themselves on my thigh. It’s no secret that I’m high key attracted to Jeff, but it recently started becoming real that I actually have a crush on my best friend. I realize that all the girls were looking at me and my face turned bright red. They shared looks before pulling me off the couch and taking me outside.

“You have a real fucking crush on Jeff don’t you” Mariah says, the girls crowd around me as I laugh

“I need a fucking joint, yes I do ok” I confess, they scream and jump around and I can already see the guys heading out to see what all the commotion is about

“What’s going on out here ladies?” Todd asks, wrapping his arms around Natalie and Jeff came next to me and thankfully it was pitch black and he couldn’t see the blush spreading across my face

“God I need to smoke so bad what the fuck is wrong with me” I mumble, Jeff hears me and pulls a preroll out of his pocket

“Let’s go, princess” He says, asking our other friends if they want to join, Zane and Todd agree and we sit on the couch outside and smoke a little bit

After we finished the pre-roll I head back over to the girls. We continue talking and they encourage me to talk to him about it. Apparently he has an actual crush on me too. I brush them off the but the substances in my system were giving me too much courage.

“No no... I’ll think about it when I’m sober” I say, they all agree and we go back into the house

“Ok guys I think I’m gonna head out” I say, I had a few more drinks with Zane and Heath so I was back to being drunk and a little high

“You are not driving home like this” Dave says, I nod and look around. Carly left a while ago since her and Erin had a meeting in the morning and I didn’t want to disturb her because I knew I would be loud when I got home

“I’ll take her, I should head out anyways” Jeff replies, I grin and collect my things and grab a water from the fridge for the road

“Can I stay over? I miss Nerf and I can’t go to my apartment since Carly has something important in the morning and I don’t want to disturb her” I say, he nods with a big smile

“Sure thing princess. We’ll stop by the store and grab some makeup remover and face wash” He said, driving to the nearest CVS

After our quick run to the store we finally arrived at his apartment. We got in and I walk over to the fridge and get a water. I hear Nerf’s claws on the floor and crouch down. After petting him for about five minutes Jeff comes out with a shirt and some boxers. I smile gratefully and head to the bathroom.

I take my makeup off and wash my face. I change into the shirt and boxers and head out. I make myself comfortable on the couch while Jeff changes. He walks out and shakes his head

“No, your back and neck are going to be sore. Just share the bed with me” He said, I look at him skeptically but nod

“Finally, thank god I shaved recently” I joke, he laughs loudly as he shuts the door

“I’m not that tired, you wanna watch a movie?” He asks, turning the TV on I nod and let him pick while I make myself comfortable with Nerf

Halfway through the movie I start drifting off, resting my head on Jeff’s chest.

“Goodnight princess” He said, pressing a kiss to my head before turning the movie off

“Goodnight.. I love you” I mumble, not noticing the look on Jeff’s face

#vlog squad imagine #vlog sqaud #jeff wittek #jeff wittek imagine

56 notes · View notes

eldritchteaparty · 3 years

Link

Chapters: 12/20 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane, Melanie King, Georgie Barker Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting

Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter summary: Jon and Martin talk things out after their encounter with Annabelle at dinner.

Chapter 12 of my post-canon fix-it is up!

Read above at AO3 or here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

Martin finally pulled his hand away. “We should pay.”

“I did.”

“Oh.” He still couldn’t bring himself to look at Jon. “I didn’t see.”

“I know.”

“Thank you.” It seemed like the right thing to say before he did, but afterward it hung awkwardly between them.

“Do you…” Jon cleared his throat. “Do you want to leave?”

“Sure.” He didn’t want to stay.

Now that it was later in the evening, it was cool enough outside that he didn’t feel terrible for jamming his hands into his pockets as they walked to the tube station. He took the window seat on the train, staring out into the darkness of the tunnel as if he were watching scenery go by. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk, or even that he was avoiding an argument; after all, arguing seemed to be one of the few ways that he and Jon actually managed to communicate with each other. It was that he still didn’t know what to say.

Jon surprised him by speaking first.

“You’re angry.”

“Yeah. I’m angry,” he answered.

“You have every right to be.”

“I mean—I’m not angry at you.” He finally looked at Jon, who was eyeing him with skepticism. “All right, I’m not just angry at you. I’m angry at the whole situation. I’m angry at her. And I’m—I’m angry at me.”

Jon nodded.

“And I feel stupid.”

“You’re not—”

“I am. And I’m sad,” he added. “I’m sad I can’t fix this.”

“It’s not your job to fix it.”

“It’s not yours, either. But that doesn’t seem to make a difference.”

Jon didn’t answer him, and he went back to looking out the window. They didn’t exchange any more words until they were almost at the front door of the flat, where Martin finally knew what he wanted to ask first.

“When did it happen? When did you—know it was back? Was it after Hill Top Road?”

Jon unlocked the door and opened it, waiting for Martin to go in before he answered him.

“It was. But not right away—it was that next week. I don’t even know if that had anything to do with it.”

“Ok. Ok. So that next weekend, when—and that haircut, and this—this stupid date—” Jon recoiled. “All of it, it’s all been, what—a distraction?”

“What?” Jon started to step toward him, then stopped. “No—no, it wasn’t.”

Martin drew in a breath and swallowed. “But it wasn’t real.”

“It was.” There was a kind of desperation in Jon’s face that Martin hadn’t seen for a while—like he had something to prove. “It’s what I could give. I don’t know how much time we have, and—”

He couldn’t hold it in. “Jon—why didn’t you just tell me?”

A moment passed, but Martin was determined to wait for an answer. Jon finally gave it.

“Because you were happy.”

“Happy? I was worried sick about you most of the time.”

“That was still better, though, wasn’t it?”

“What do you mean?”

“When I was—” Jon paused. “You liked taking care of me. You liked that I had to rely on you. You liked that I couldn’t—

“Don’t.”

Jon didn’t.

Martin was suddenly conscious that they had never moved away from the front door. Jon’s last point had knocked some of the energy out of him, but going to sit somewhere else didn’t seem right. He sat on the floor instead, leaning against the back of the couch. Jon reciprocated, leaning on the wall behind him. It was dark in the flat, they hadn’t turned on a light, but they could still see each other well enough from the lights outside the window.

“Look—at least I knew it was wrong.”

Jon sighed. “It wasn’t—it wasn’t wrong. I did need you. And it—it was sweet. I’m glad I have you. It was just—”

“I know. I know what it was.”

In the quiet that followed, guilt that had lain dormant until then writhed its way down to his stomach. It settled in, weighing heavy inside him until Jon broke the silence again.

“Earlier, what you said—you were right.”

“About what?”

“That I should have tried harder to tell you.”

“Jon—I was upset.”

“You weren’t wrong.”

“Yes, I was.” Martin sighed. “I mean… I know you tried to tell me. Well, now I do. But I would have listened if—honestly, I just thought you were going to apologize again or feel bad for everything, and—”

“And you didn’t want to hear that.”

“No, I—” Martin stopped. I didn’t want you to feel that was what he started to say, but he was interrupted by the recollection of his mother, telling him to go put the kettle on to make a cup of tea. He’d grown to hate it right along with the oolong, the way she avoided having to talk with him about anything that might have really mattered, replacing it with something that only roughly resembled comfort.

Words he’d once spoken to himself came back to him. At best, it’s a plaster. At worst, a muzzle.

He was exactly the same as her. The guilt that had awoken started to twist its way back up, into his chest and around his lungs.

“Martin, you’re not—it’s different. You’re not the same.”

“Jon!” Martin’s face flushed. “That’s not suddenly ok now, you know?”

“I’m sorry,” Jon mumbled. “I didn’t mean to. It’s not—it’s harder to control than I remember.”

“Yeah. Great.”

It got quiet again; Martin distractedly tapped his fingertips on the floor, looking up at the ceiling.

“Ok, so… what else? What’s it—what’s it like?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean—ok, so do you need to read the statements?”

Jon took a small breath. “Yes.”

“Is it—” He forced himself to look at Jon. “Are you ok? I mean… I know they used to really take it out of you.”

“I’m…” Jon met his eyes, which seemed just as hard for him. “Sometimes they do.”

“Ok. Will you—will you check in with me if you’re reading one and I’m not around?”

“Martin—”

“Look, I’m not asking for a promise. I’m just—I’m just asking if you will.”

“I don’t know.” Jon returned to staring at the floor. The answer hurt, but Martin was relieved for the excuse to break eye contact.

“What about… have you compelled anyone?”

“No.”

“Could you?”

“Yes. Well, probably. Depending on the person.”

Martin nodded. “How hard is it to—know something?”

“It’s, um… not easy. Not as hard as it was at first—before—though. And more things… slip through.”

“Accidentally.”

“Yes.”

Martin realized the muscles in his shoulders and neck were starting to cramp from how he’d been holding them. He exhaled and leaned back against the couch when something occurred to him. “What about Melanie?”

Jon looked up at him again. “What about her?”

“You’ve been sending her after dead ends, haven’t you? That’s why she hasn’t found anyone to talk to. You knew she wouldn’t.”

Jon didn’t answer.

“So that’s a yes?”

Jon nodded reluctantly.

“Good.”

Jon sat straighter, looking at Martin again. “Really? I wasn’t sure if you’d—I mean, I know you want them to know about… about everything.”

“Yeah, I do, but—but everything’s different than I thought.” He couldn’t keep the tinge of resentment out of his voice, but he pushed ahead. “They still need to know, but… it’s different. I’m glad she’s safe.”

The gratefulness he saw so plainly reflected in Jon’s face did two things. It made Martin want to go to him, to bridge the short distance between them and put his arms around him, and try again to convince him everything would be ok. It also stirred the guilt that had begun to recede quietly back into his subconscious, pushing him to think further through everything that had happened, what he might have missed, what he might have done. Those thoughts were coming faster now that he was over his initial shock. They had more to talk about.

“Jon, I’m—I’m sorry I stayed to talk to Annabelle tonight.”

“Are you?”

He hadn’t expected that bit of harshness, and he tensed up at the words. “Well, I—”

“Never mind,” Jon stopped him. “I know why you did it.”

Martin sat back again. “I am sorry, though. I mean, I’m sorry it hurt you.”

There was another short round of silence.

“Jon, why do you think she came to talk to us? Or—talk to you, really?”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Jon slumped back against the wall. “She won and she came to gloat.”

“Has she?” Martin asked. “I mean—yeah, we’re here, but—this wasn’t exactly what she wanted. It’s not what she wants in the end, anyway. And gloating, I mean—that really doesn’t seem like her.”

“We have no idea what seems like her, Martin.” The pure bitterness in Jon’s voice was almost a welcome break from the sadness that had dominated his tone until then. “That’s really her whole deal.”

“Maybe.” Martin kept pushing. “Still—I just think—do you really think she was trying to—call a truce? Whatever she said?”

“No,” Jon answered. “I think she came to see the look on my face when she told me they didn’t need me anymore.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No? You don’t think the Fears will find their way out of here eventually?” It was not meant as a legitimate question.

“Ok—I don’t know, but—” Martin tried to choose his words with care. “Yeah. It seems possible.”

“Therefore, she came to gloat.”

“But Jon—” He could feel the frustration creeping into his voice. “I mean—she has to know you won’t just accept that. You’re not planning to let it go, right?”

“Of course not.”

“Exactly. And she has to know that. It’s almost like—it’s almost like she was trying to push you to do something. To not let it go. Why?”

Something about Jon’s demeanor changed; he stiffened slightly, or shifted his balance, and Martin’s thoughts began to converge. The way Annabelle had talked about time—of course she was right, the Web didn’t care, and so she didn’t either. It was very clear her own life didn’t matter to her, any more than it served the Web.

So why would she show up and deliberately remind Jon that if he did nothing, the entities would escape?

It brought to mind something Jon had said earlier, something he had ignored in the moment.

I don’t know how much time we have.

“Jon, what have you been doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when you’ve been staying late in the office. When you’ve been working here, writing. What have you been doing? If I open that drawer”—he gestured vaguely behind him toward the desk—“what will I find?”

“I’d prefer you didn’t,” Jon said quietly.

He measured his words carefully. “I’d prefer you tell me.”

Jon shrank into himself; he wrapped one arm around his chest and pulled his knees in, and brought his other hand up to his mouth.

“Jon.” Martin couldn’t stop the slight shake in his voice this time; he hoped he was wrong. “Please. Tell me what you’ve been doing.”

“All right.” Jon spoke from behind his hand. “It’s—it’s a ritual.”

It wasn’t the answer Martin had wanted to hear, but it was the one he had expected. “To start another apocalypse?”

“I—” Jon was breathing harder, and Martin could see the effort he was making to push through his words. “Yes. Not—not exactly the same, I could do it faster, and there would be less—”

“How? From memory?”

“No. Well—some. Some of it—there are a couple of—of Leitners—”

“Jesus Christ, Jon!”

“I only used ones that were safe—”

“Safe? Do you realize that a giant fucking eyeball fear monster is telling you which ones are safe?”

“I meant that I could control—”

“I don’t believe you.”

There was a beat of silence. “Martin please, I’m—”

“No, I mean—I literally don’t believe you. I don’t believe you could do it.”

“Martin—”

“Look, I get what happened before. I didn’t agree, but I get it. You’d lost everything. They used you and they took everything that mattered to you. They took Sasha, then Tim, and then Daisy, and you had to watch what it did to all the others—”

“And you,” Jon said.

“—fine, yes, but—Jon, this is not that. This is—they’re all here. They have a chance. And whatever you think happened before—this is a real choice. And they care about you, and you care about them. I just—I don’t think you could do it. I don’t believe it.”

Jon face slid down into his hand until his eyes were covered. “I don’t know. I don’t want to. Probably I couldn’t. Probably I won’t. But I wish I could. If it gets bad enough, maybe I can. And I need to—to be ready. I just can’t—I just can’t let them—”

The quick hitch of breath that followed made Martin forget what he had been about to say, if he’d had any words. He crawled to Jon’s side, slipping one arm around his back and the other around his chest, awkwardly trapping the arm Jon had wrapped around himself. Jon’s face ended up pressed against Martin’s throat, where his breath continued to catch as he fought to stop crying.

Martin wanted to tell him it was ok—that it would be ok, that they could still fix it—but he remembered the last time Jon had finally broken down that had only made him withdraw again. He was starting to really understand that it wasn’t ok for Jon, and probably never would be. He couldn’t bear to think what that meant for him, especially not right then, but he knew enough to not make that mistake again.

He said the only comforting thing he could think of that he was sure about, that he had been sure about for a long time now.

“I love you.”

Jon reached a hand up to Martin’s neck, where he pressed the pads of his fingers firmly against his skin.

“I’m here.” Martin spoke softly against Jon’s hair. He could tell Jon was still struggling, still trying to gain control, but he seemed to have relaxed a little; his body wasn’t quite so rigid as Martin held him.

***

Eventually Jon was calm. They’d shifted so that he rested with his back against Martin’s chest, and Martin’s back was against the wall. His arms were around Jon’s waist, and Jon’s arms rested comfortably on top of his as he leaned back into him.

“So.” Jon’s voice was raw. “I’ve finally become a monster.”

“No.” Martin pressed his mouth gently against his ear. “You haven’t.”

“Yes, I have.”

“No. I mean—I still don’t think you could do it, but—now that we’re here, and we know what’s out there—you don’t want them to get out again. That would be terrible.”

Jon shifted slightly; Martin impulsively tightened his grip, then made himself relax again.

“To be clear—I don’t think you’re responsible for what happens a hundred years from now, or a thousand years from now—and I’m definitely not in favor of ending the world over it.”

“Martin, it just—it doesn’t matter how long from now it is. If it’s ten thousand years from now and they escape, and poison a thousand dimensions—more than that, maybe—if I could have ended it, it’s my fault.”

Martin tightened his grip again, this time deliberately.

“Maybe there’s another way.”

Jon turned so his forehead was against Martin’s cheek. “Martin, I know you want to think that, but—”

“Yes, and I know, the world doesn’t care what I think.”

“I should never have said that.”

“I mean, it hurt—but it was true.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s not the point. The point is—I still don’t think Annabelle would have turned up just to brag. I think she needs something. She doesn’t want you to have time. I think she’s trying to push you into acting, and maybe—maybe, if you did, it would all turn out the same. But worse, obviously.”

Jon’s fingers, which he had been absentmindedly brushing over Martin’s forearm, were suddenly still; Martin realized that possibility hadn’t occurred to him.

“But maybe—if you don’t, but if you keep trying—keep looking for it—maybe there is another way. One she’s scared of. A path she doesn’t want you to take.”

“Hm.” Martin could tell Jon wasn’t sold on it, but he had heard him, and that was enough for the moment.

“Jon?”

“Yes.”

“I’m—I’m going to tell them soon.”

Jon nodded. “I understand.”

He kissed Jon lightly on the forehead, and slid his hand up to his chest, where he slipped his fingers into the gaps between the buttons of Jon’s shirt. He could feel the scar, his scar, through the thin fabric of Jon’s t-shirt; beneath that though, around it, he could feel the rise and fall of Jon’s chest.

“Jon.”

“Yes?”

“Let me know if you’re reading a statement and I’m not around?”

Jon sighed. “All right.”

#the magnus archives #tma #mag pod #tma spoilers #jonmartin #tma fanfic #my writing

7 notes · View notes

real-jaune-isms · 3 years

Text

RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 3 Review & Rundown

Oh boy oh boy, this sure was a heck of a time wasn’t it? Not quite as panic inducing and chaotic as last week with the Hound playing fetch with Oscar’s body, but I still felt a great deal of dread and unease as things took a turn for the negative. Hopefully I can properly explain how.

We begin on a black screen as Ruby pants and groans in a way that made me worry I had put on the wrong video. But no, she’s just winded from riding the tube up to Atlas, and we see her stagger out to see the rest of the group awaiting her. Nora is being painfully held by the ear for what she did to Weiss last episode, but she defends herself by saying it was the kind of thing you only get to do once in a lifetime so she should be happy about it. Blake is the last one to pop out of the tube, and she seems to have had a real bad time coming up. Hair a mess, a little of balance, out of breath, she has good reason to want to NEVER do this again. May asks Penny for directions through the base, though she calls her “robo-girl” when she does it which isn’t the greatest nickname. Penny does a 3D scan of the base and pulls up a map for reference, or something cool and digital to that effect, its more of a visual thing than something you can explain. She gives a rapid series of perfect directions, much to everyone but Ruby’s wide eyed amazement. Ruby is just smugly impressed that her gal pal can do this sort of cool thing. Penny also takes this chance to assert that she would much prefer being called by her actual name. Ruby gives a smug “heh” that May is getting told off, to which May scoffs. Kdin herself has commented that this was meant to only be indignation at being chided for the nickname, not any annoyance at Penny being insistent on what she is called. Personal identity is something May understands well, and she does call her Penny from that point on. So it’s nothing to go insulting or slandering May over.

May puts up her invisibility bubble, and they head off. We see them standing around in an elevator waiting to reach their floor, a very relatable bit of comedy, before taking a few hesitant steps back as it stops on an early floor and two soldiers get in. These two are outside the bubble so they can’t see our girls, but it’s still a tense situation. They get to their floor and sneak around the soldiers while they’re busy talking about how creepy Salem’s horde waiting in the air is, and Nora plays a little prank by hitting every elevator button on the way out. The soldiers are so confused and annoyed! Reaching a door with a security checkpoint, Penny pops one of her fingertips off to reveal a USB insert that she plugs into the terminal to use Pietro’s credentials without his hand print. Ruby is quite impressed by this cool new tool, as would be expected of the weapons buff. May asks which way to turn, and Penny informs them that next they will need to go directly through the central command room. There are a lot of people crowded together and walking around, and May’s Semblance is not equipped for that kind of navigation. Fortunately, we get an answer in the form of what I’d like to call the Pennydex. She explains, with a fun cartoony visual, that Ruby’s Semblance allows her to do much more than just move fast, she actually breaks down to a molecular level so her mass can be negated and she can move faster. So, as we saw briefly in episode 1 of Volumes 4 and 6 with Nora and Weiss respectively, she can do the same to other people and transport a group since the mass of a whole group wouldn’t matter if they’re all just flying molecules. TLDR: We were misinterpreting Ruby’s Semblance the whole time and she can use it to get them through the crowded room easily. And judging from Ruby’s look of shock and confusion, she’s been misinterpreting her Semblance too. Harriet did say that her power is unlike anything she’s ever seen before back in V7... Blake continues to be the funniest member of the group by pointing out how Penny knew this was possible before Ruby did, and all Ruby can do is remind her (and us) that Penny also figured out Blake’s faunus identity before Ruby had. Not exactly painting yourself in the brightest light if your only rebuttal is further proof you’re not that perceptive...

With the opening of a door we shift scenes to Ironwood explaining himself for being tardy to... whatever it is he’s doing, and blaming it on how busy today has been. Meaning he’s probably killed someone else offscreen. The only thing that pisses me off more than that idea is whom he’s talking to: Watts, working for Ironwood to try and hack Penny under threat of execution from two armed guards. Point all the guns you want, Jimbo, this WILL backfire on you in a tremendous way. As quickly illustrated in a podcast about this episode by an IT professional, it is VERY bad business to hire a malicious hacker who has made no efforts to prove his stance with your security or what he will do with his skills has changed. If you can’t understand the jargon on his screen, he will use your ignorance to stab you in the back and turn this in his favor. But it is at least fortunate for Ironwood that Watts is here, because he points out that Pietro’s credentials are in use within the compound and it’s a little uncertain if the general would have noticed that without someone there checking the system. Naturally, as the paranoid man he is, Ironwood declares a security breach and a code red lockdown, authorization to use lethal force granted. Hey, I said this was fortunate for Ironwood, not for our heroes! The girls are of course panicked and worried, Penny checking the systems to see the tubes have been sealed too so they can’t leave how they came in. May is ready to swipe an airship for them so they can bail immediately, but Penny is resolute that the mission can still be achieved. Nora gets a good idea on how to make this work, and we see May sneak into the control room while cloaked to trip a guy walking by with a cup of coffee. His mug, labeled #1 Dad Dud, flies through the air and the hot coffee spills on a coworker’s computer and lap. This poor guy Bill who just wanted to drink some good bean juice, gets screamed at by another employee while the victim of the spill runs screaming out of the room to change pants. Bill is apparently notorious for not heeding the sign they have pinned up to say no food or drinks in the control room, and while the angry guy lists off his misdemeanors Ruby swoops up the rest of her friends and zooms through the room towards their destination while everyone is occupied with Bill. There’s a theory Bill is actually Velvet’s father Will Scarletina, since according to Before the Dawn he does work in Atlas, but considering the kind of guy Bill seems to be I would kinda hope otherwise. He microwaved salmon, for Christ’s sake! Unforgiveable!

The girls, minus May who went elsewhere to get a ship for their departure, emerge from Ruby’s petal blur safe and sound... except Blake. Penny, Weiss, and Nora have all been carried by Ruby before and are used to it, but this is Blake’s first time traveling Air Rose. So while the others look very proud of a triumphant Ruby, Blake is panicked and trying to steady herself. We next see them walking along an ominous looking bridgeway to a door with an electrified field in front of it. Penny does her USB insert thing to take down the electric barrier and unlock the door, and the others ready themselves to fight whoever might be on the other side. Instead, they find an empty room with several terminal pillars, a couple chairs, and one central interface computer that Penny will be using. After the door closes, Nora notes that the electricity started up again. Penny sits down at the terminal, and after taking a moment to breath and prepare herself notifies Pietro over whatever comms they use that she’s ready to start. It’s cute that she calls him dad, reminds me that yeah they are a family. What’s much less cute is that Pietro then remotely takes control of Penny from all the way at Amity so he can use her to perform the complicated process they need to make the launch plan work. The size of her irises and pupils changes, as does the color of her irises from green to yellow. Makes me very wary of the fact that her eyes were briefly red in the intro... especially since Watts is on the job to try and hack into her. Knowing her being remotely controlled is already possible in how she is programmed is TERRIFYING. Ruby is understandably a bit confused and taken aback by Pietro’s voice coming from Penny. “Penny” starts the complicated task as Ruby watches and probably has no idea what she’s looking at, and we cut over to Nora as she looks around the room. She passes by Weiss and Blake, and Blake is the one to voice her concern for Yang’s group. Makes sense she’s so concerned, she’s an only child worried by the fact that Ruby and Yang butted heads like that. Weiss is a sister so she knows what it’s like for siblings to fight like this, she knows it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other less or are on opposite sides. They just have different ideas about what’s right. Clearly she’s drawing from her own feelings on going against Winter at the end of Volume 7. Nora also tries to reassure Blake by talking about how strong and talented Jaune and Yang are and how much Oscar has grown as a fighter. Blake and Yang both seem impressed and reassured by this appraisal, while we the audience know this is very far from the current truth, since Oscar has been stolen away and Yang was unable to protect him. But what is also noteworthy is that she said nothing about Ren. She notices her own gap in information and tries to offer something but... she has no idea what Ren is right now. She hates feeling like she’s losing him, like she has less and less of an understanding who he is than ever before despite the years they’ve spent together, and she’s unsure if she should blame him or herself for this. This time Blake is the one with sage advice pulled from her own bittersweet experiences. When you’ve been at someone’s side for as long as they have, your identities become intertwined and you can lose track of what is really you vs what is a part of them mixed in. It’s important to keep a firm grip on who you are, to be your own person outside of that other person. Clearly, this is a warning to not make the mistakes she did with Adam, for Nora to not blind herself with obsession and attachment to this partner she trusts so much. They don’t say this flat out, but we can read between the lines. It’s a very nice moment from Blake, but it only worries Nora more. She’s had Ren in her life for so long, she really doesn’t know who she is as an individual. That’s a bit sad to think about, but Weiss tries to look on the bright side and says this can be an opportunity for Nora to do some self discovery and find who Nora Valkyrie truly is on her own. All Nora can think of to define herself though... is the value of her strength and her destructive capability. That’s all people expect of her, and she is finally getting a chance to prove herself beyond that.

Before Blake or Weiss have a chance to reassure her, they hear some promising beeps from the computer and rejoin Ruby and Penny. Pietro explains through Penny that he’s cloned the imprint of Ironwood’s computer signature onto Penny, so when they run the launch sequence for Amity the system will connect to her to get clearance instead of going all the way to this terminal to get it from the General. She finally returns to being herself, and says she’ll be sure to rejoin her friends once the launch is done so she can help finish the evacuations, buuuut Pietro has a different idea. He wants her to stay on the tower with him and Maria, but Penny wants to be here and help her friends who need her. Ruby does her best to be diplomatic about this, but she has to agree with Pietro. If Ironwood was right about the tower being unreachable by Salem’s forces then it will be the safest place for the Winter Maiden powers until Salem is beaten or leaves. So maybe Penny should stay there, at least for now? Weiss agrees, while Blake tries to change the subject and say they should head to the hangar and GTFO. Penny unlocks the door while lamenting how often folks are having to do things they would rather not. Appropriately enough, the Ace Ops are waiting on the other side looking for a fight our girls would probably rather not be having. With all the authority of a neighbor at your door to ask for their vacuum back, Harriet insists they’ll be bringing Penny “home” now. RNBW are quick to draw their weapons in defense, and it becomes a verbal spar instead. Surprisingly, it’s Vine who steps up with the speech to convince Penny. And just like the General, its full of negging and gaslighting to make her think she only thought she’s been doing what’s right but really she needs to do what Ironwood says. That she’s not protecting people unless she’s getting the relic for Ironwood. Which is, of course, bullshit because 60% of the people are in Mantle and the General has expressly stated he wants to abandon them to die in favor of keeping his already well fortified 40% up in Atlas safe. Penny tries to defend herself and her position on things with Mantle, but Hare and Elm have a pretty damn backwards way of remembering the end of Volume 7 because they call Penny ungrateful and blame her for Winter being in critical condition. Let’s try to imagine how that dramatic climax would have gone without Penny being there, hm? Winter wouldn’t have been able to get through the arctic vortex Fria was creating without dying of sheer cold, Cinder would have burned through with rage or spite or just been closer when Fria finally collapsed and died. Penny saved Winter’s life twofold and delayed Cinder long enough for Ruby to come in and make the Fall Maiden panic and leave. Get bent, bootlickers...

Marrow and Harriet try to rapidfire good cop bad cop Penny into backing down and surrendering her access of the vault to them, but Ruby uses actual logic and says boosting Atlas into the sky won’t stop Salem, it will only harm more people and delay the inevitable. Or at least, she tries to but hot tempered Hare yaps at her to shut up or she’ll get arrested just like Qrow. Threatening Ruby is more than Penny is willing to allow, and she takes the clear bait to step out of the server room only for Harriet to close the door behind her and leave the other girls trapped behind solid steel and deadly electric current. Penny uses her Maiden powers and her sword array to put up a good fight, but it’s still 4 vs 1 and their teamwork starts to overwhelm her, especially when Marrow uses his trump card Semblance to immobilize her for Vine to put cuffs on her. Meanwhile Weiss tries to use her Summon Knight to break down the door and even the odds, but the electric field is too much. She and Ruby lament how unfair this is and hope Penny can last a little while, but we are seeing how poorly that goes. Nora decides she has to step up for the clutch play, repeating the only 2 things she thinks she can do. “Be strong, and hit stuff...” So she jabs Magnhild into the power source on one side of the door and starts absorbing all the electricity into her body, screaming like Goku going Super Saiyan 3. And the analogy fits, because lightning runs across her skin in cool jagged bolts of pink and her hair stands on end. With a swing and a scream, she bashes the doors in and knocks the Ace Ops back a bit before they can cuff Penny. But all things must come with a cost, and this blows through all her Aura and she passes out with a momentary glassly look in her eyes. Not only that, the pink faded but the lightning patterns are still on her skin as an extensive set of scars consistent with the Lichtenberg figure observed on people actually struck by lightning. In terms of predictions for future consequences, serious electrocution like this has been documented to result in paralysis to some limbs, brain damage or memory loss, and sometimes even blindness. I worry those last two could be possible, since she was already having a hard time determining who she was without Ren so now she might completely forget who she is altogether, or she might lose her sight completely. I don’t know if RT would dare to do that, but we do have Yang’s arm as an example of their willingness for consequences... Regardless, the heroes are now down a woman but they’re still ready to fight for their friend.

Ironwood bitches and moans about losing the chance for the odds to be stacked in his favor since he can’t win this encounter otherwise, but Watts has a new plan for the Ace Ops. Harriet doesn’t like the new orders, but Marrow is ready and willing to obey. Elm quickly swipes RWB over the edge of the walkway before they can do much to fight back against the already winded Atlesians, and by the time Ruby can scoop up her teammates with her Semblance (thank goodness she learned to do that today), the damage is done. Harriet maneuvers behind Penny and yanks one of her swords out of her back with a heart wrenching pluck of the connecting string. Like pulling off a butterfly’s wing... especially since in this world weapons are supposed to be like an extension of your soul. With the sword yoinked their job is done here and they all bail, though Marrow has a remorseful look back at the teens as if he knows he’s trapped on the wrong side. Guess we know why he agreed to this plan so quickly, it was a grab and go rather than a total takedown of their former friends. Blake is the first to point out how incredibly sus this behavior was, but they don’t have time to fully ruminate on the situation because they’ve also done what they came to do and they need to GTFO. Carrying Nora, they meet May in the hangar where her jaunty greeting is cut short by the sight of the ginger girl’s injuries. They need to get her somewhere safe, so they violently bust out through the doors. While in the open air, Penny says her goodbyes and they reveal the ship can be a convertible so she can fly away. Ruby and Penny share a tender but deep hug, and Ruby promises they’ll see each other soon. I just worry when they do it will be on opposite sides of the battlefield, and this worry is not helped by the final scene. The Ace Ops deliver Penny’s sword to a satisfied Ironwood, though Harriet would have been happier taking all of those meddling kids down. Watts cryptically implies that with a piece of Penny’s tech they can make her join them, and anyone who doesn’t trust him immediately knows by “them” he means Salem. And that’s the worrisome note we end on this week. Will next week be better? With the element of future knowledge/ the curse of this review being a week or so late I can say NOPE.

10 notes · View notes

stereostevie · 3 years

Link

“I sacrificed the quality of my life to help people experience something that had been unreachable before then,” Grammy winner says in rare interview

In the late Nineties, the story of popular music became the story of Ms. Lauryn Hill. She first rose to fame as an actress and a member of the Fugees, whose second and final album, 1996’s The Score, remains one of that decade’s biggest albums. Then, at just 22 years old, Hill took a huge leap and decided to go solo. Released in 1998, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill filled clubs, radio stations, and MTV with her smooth voice and biting rhymes. Hill herself became as big as her music, appreciated in the fashion world and sought after by movie executives for roles she would eventually decline.

Miseducation took home five Grammy Awards and led to a huge tour. But by the early 2000s, Ms. Hill left behind the fame and the industry almost entirely. She has never released another studio album; her last full-length release was MTV Unplugged No. 2.0 from 2002, where she performed new songs in an acoustic style to a largely tepid reception.

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill lives on. More than 20 years after its release, it is still regarded as one of the best albums ever made, landing at Number 10 on Rolling Stone’s voter-based 500 Greatest Albums of All Time List this past fall. Many of her songs continue to permeate culture, like the single “Ex-Factor,” which has been sampled or interpolated on major hits by Drake and Cardi B. Beyond that, the album’s impact on multiple generations of musicians is unmistakeable. Everyone from Rihanna to St. Vincent has cited Hill as having heavily influenced their own music.

The years that followed Miseducation have been complicated. After the album’s release, some of Hill’s collaborators filed a lawsuit claiming she did not properly credit them for their contributions; that suit was settled out of court three years later on undisclosed terms. In 2012, she was charged with tax fraud, and went on to serve three months in prison. More recently, she has found herself back on the road more frequently, sporadically releasing music but mostly basking in the collective love and power of Miseducation through special performances of the album.

For the latest episode of Rolling Stone’s 500 Greatest Albums podcast, Ms. Hill granted a rare interview on the making of Miseducation as well as what happened after. Over e-mail, she spoke candidly about protecting her family and the little support she had after her first album cycle ended. Excerpts from the interview can be heard in the podcast episode, available on Amazon Music, along with tales from several of the musicians who were part of those sessions, like “Commissioner Gordon” Williams, Lenesha Randolph, and Vada Nobles. Ms. Hill’s written responses are here in full.

When you began recording Miseducation, you were 22 and already experiencing immense success with the Fugees. What were you hoping to prove with this album? As far as proving myself goes, I think that’s a larger and more involved story best told at a later time, but I will say that the success of the Fugees absolutely set up The Miseducation to be as big and as well received as it was. When I decided that I wanted to try a solo project I was met with incredible resistance and discouragement from a number of places that should have been supportive, so that had a motivating factor, but it was less about proving myself and more about creating something I wanted to see and hear exist in the world. There were ideas, notions and concepts that I wanted to exist, I set off in a particular direction and kept going. Initially, I intended to work with other producers and artists but found that what I wanted to say and hear may have been too idiosyncratic at the time to just explain it and have someone else try to make it. It had to be made in a more custom manner. The team of people who would ultimately be involved, we all witnessed as it took form. It was unique and exciting.

You’ve said you found yourself especially creative during your pregnancy. How did that experience shape you as a songwriter?

It’s a wild thing to say but I was left alone during my pregnancies for the most part. It was like all of the people with all of their demands had to check themselves when I was pregnant. The resulting peace may have contributed to that sense of feeling more creative. I was pregnant with my first child during the making of The Miseducation and the situation was complicated, so I was motivated to find more stability and safety for myself and for my child, that definitely pushed me to disregard what appeared as limitations. If I struggled to fight for myself, I had someone else to fight for. This also introduced my first son’s father, Rohan Marley, into the picture, who at that time, was a protective presence. If there were people or forces attempting to prevent me from creating, he played a role in helping to keep that at bay.

During those times especially, I always wanted to be a motivator of positive change. It’s in all of my lyrics, that desire to see my community get out of its own way, identify and confront internal and external obstacles, and experience the heights of Love and self-Love that provoke transformation. I sang from that place and chose to share the joy and ecstasy of it, as well as the disappointments, entanglements and life lessons that I had learned at that point. I basically started out as a young sage lol.

When you look back on it now, is Miseducation the album you intended it to be? I’ve always been pretty critical of myself artistically, so of course there are things I hear that could have been done differently, but the LOVE in the album, the passion, its intention is, to me, undeniable. I think my intention was simply to make something that made my foremothers and forefathers in music and social and political struggle know that someone received what they’d sacrificed to give us, and to let my peers know that we could walk in that truth, proudly and confidently. At that time, I felt like it was a duty or responsibility to do so. I saw the economic and educational gaps in black communities and although I was super young myself, I used that platform to help bridge those gaps and introduce concepts and information that “we” needed even if “we” didn’t know “we” wanted it yet. Of course I’m referring to the proverbial “we.” These things had an enormous value to me and I cherished them from a very young age.

I also think the album stood apart from the types and cliches that were supposed to be acceptable at that time. I challenged the norm and introduced a new standard. I believe The Miseducation did that and I believe I still do this — defy convention when the convention is questionable. I had to move faster and with greater intention though than the dysfunctional norms that were well-established and fully funded then. I was apparently perceived by some as making trouble and being disruptive rather than appreciated for introducing solutions and options to people who hadn’t had them, for exposing beauty where oppression once reigned, and demonstrating how well these different cultural paradigms could work together. The warp speed I had to move at in order to defy the norm put me and my family under a hyper-accelerated, hyper-tense, and unfortunately under-appreciated pace. I sacrificed the quality of my life to help people experience something that had been unreachable before then. When I saw people struggle to appreciate what that took, I had to pull back and make sure I and my family were safe and good. I’m still doing that.

This album permeated culture in a way that few albums have before it existed and made you a massive star. How were you handling the public gaze at the time? There were definitely things I enjoyed about stardom, but there were definitely things I didn’t enjoy. I think most people appreciate being recognized and appreciated for their work and sacrifice. That, to me, is a given, but living a real life is essential for anyone trying to stay connected to reality and continue making things that truly affect people. This becomes increasingly harder to do in the “space” people try to place “stars” in.

The pedestal, to me, is as much about containment and control as it is adulation. Finding balance, clarity and sobriety can be very hard for some to maintain. For example, being yes’d to death isn’t good, and people fear stardom can only result in this, but if the actual answer is yes, being told no just to not appear a yes-man is silly. Never being told no if the answer is no by people afraid to disappoint will obviously also distort the mirror in which we view ourselves. On the other hand, a person with a vision can be way ahead, so people may say no with conviction and resist what they fear only to find out later that they were absolutely wrong.

The idea of artist as public property, I also always had a problem with that. I agreed to share my art, I’m not agreeing necessarily to share myself. The entitlement that people often feel, like they somehow own you, or own a piece of you, can be incredibly dangerous. I chafe under any kind of control like that and resist expectations that suggest I should somehow dumb-down and be predictable to make people feel comfortable rather than authentically express myself. I also resist unrealistic expectations placed on me by people who would never place those same requirements on themselves. I can be as diplomatic and as patient as I possibly can be. I can’t, however, sell myself short through constant self-deprecation and shrinking.

“The entitlement that people often feel, like they somehow own you, or own a piece of you, can be incredibly dangerous.”

Is there a version of “Lauryn Hill” that you feel people expected of you, and how did that compare to how you saw yourself? Absolutely, which I touched upon in the answers before this one. Life is life, to be lived, experienced and enjoyed with all of its dynamism and color. If you do something well that people enjoy, often they want the same experience over and over. A real person can be stifled and their growth completely stunted trying to do this without balance. It’s not a fair thing to ask of anyone. We all have to grow, we all have to express ourselves with as much fullness and integrity as we can manage. The celebrity is often treated like a sacrifice, the fatted calf, then boxed in and harshly judged for very normal and natural responses to abnormal circumstances.

I saw someone lambasted once for discussing episodes of anxiety before going on stage, as if anxiety was only a condition of the non-famous. It was absurd, like someone with a record out can’t get a common cold. Someone in love with the art doesn’t not experience fear or anxiety, they just do their best to transcend it or work beyond it so that the art or the passion can be made manifest. Some days are better than others. For some people it gets easier, for some it doesn’t. The unfairness, the harshness was excessive to me. I didn’t like how I was being treated at a certain point. I just wasn’t being treated well and definitely not in accordance with someone who’d contributed what I had. I had a ton of jealousy and competitiveness to contend with. That can exhaust or frustrate your efforts to make anything besides primal scream music, 😊.

Provoking that kind of aggravation was probably intentional. You have to find reasons to still do it, when you’re exposed to the ugly. People often think it’s ok to project whatever they want to on someone they perceive as having “it all” or “having so/too much.” Hero worship can be an excuse for not taking care of your own sh#t. The flip side of that adulation can turn severely ugly, aggressive, and hostile if people make another person responsible for their sense of self-worth. You can either take that abuse or say no to it. After subjecting myself to it for years, I started to say no, and then no turned into hell no, then hell no turned into f#ck no…you get my point. 😊

If you could talk to yourself at 22 now, what would you say? I’d share the things I do now with my 22-year-old self. If I had known what I know now, things would probably have unfolded differently. I would have continued to invest in people but I would have made sure I had people with the love, strength, and integrity around me to really keep their eye on the prize and my well-being. The world is full of seduction and if they can’t seduce you, they go after the people you love or depend on in some way. I would have with greater understanding tried to do more to insulate myself and my loved ones from that kind of attack.

youtube

Looking back on that period of your life, do you have any regrets?

I have some periods of woe, some periods of sorrow and great pain, yes, but regret is tough because I ended up with a clarity I might not have been able to achieve any other way. I would have done a few things differently though if I could go back. I would have done my best to shield myself so that I could better shield my children. I would have rejected the manipulation, unfair force and pressure put on me much earlier. I would have benefitted from having more awareness about the dangers of fame. I would have been more communicative with everyone truly involved with The Miseducation and fought hard for the importance of candid expression. I would have demanded what I needed and removed people antagonistic to that sooner than I did.

You have released music since Miseducation and have continued to play live. Do you ever foresee releasing another full-length studio album? The wild thing is no one from my label has ever called me and asked how can we help you make another album, EVER…EVER. Did I say ever? Ever! With The Miseducation, there was no precedent. I was, for the most part, free to explore, experiment and express. After The Miseducation, there were scores of tentacled obstructionists, politics, repressing agendas, unrealistic expectations, and saboteurs EVERYWHERE. People had included me in their own narratives of THEIR successes as it pertained to my album, and if this contradicted my experience, I was considered an enemy.

Artist suppression is definitely a thing. I won’t go too much into it here, but where there should have been overwhelming support, there wasn’t any. I began touring because I needed the creative outlet and to support myself and my family. People were more interested in breaking me or using me to battery-power whatever they had going on than to support my creativity. I create at the speed and flow of my inspiration, which doesn’t always work in a traditional system. I have always had to custom build what I’ve needed in order to get things done. The lack of respect and willingness to understand what that is, or what I need to be productive and healthy, doesn’t really sit well with me. When no one takes the time to understand, but only takes the time to count the money the fruit of this process produces, things can easily turn bad. Mistreatment, abuse, and neglect happen. I wrote an album about systemic racism and how it represses and stunts growth and harms (all of my albums have probably addressed systemic racism to some degree), before this was something this generation openly talked about. I was called crazy. Now…over a decade later, we hear this as part of the mainstream chorus. Ok, so chalk some of it up to leadership and how that works — I was clearly ahead, but you also have to acknowledge the blatant denial that went down with that. The public abuse and ostracizing while suppressing and copying what I had done, (I protested) with still no real acknowledgement that all of that even happened, is a lot.

“I wrote an album about systemic racism… before this was something this generation openly talked about. I was called crazy.”

I continue to tour and share with audiences all over the world, but I also full-time work on the trauma, stifling, and stunting that came with all of that and how my family and I were affected. In many ways, we’re living now, making up for years where we couldn’t be as free as we should have been able to. I had to break through a ton of unjust resistance, greed, fear and just plain human ugliness. Little else can rival freedom for me. If being a superstar means living a repressed life where people will only work with you or invest in your work if they can manipulate and control you, then I’m not sure how important music gets made without some tragic set of events following. I don’t subscribe to that.

Lastly, I appreciate the people who were moved by this body of work, which really represented a lifetime — up to that point — of love, experience, wisdom, family and community investment in me, the summation of my experience from relationships, my dreams, inspirations, aspirations and God’s ever-present grace and Love in my life through the lens of my 20-something but wise-sage existence, lol. I dreamed big, I didn’t think of limits, I really only thought of the creative possibilities and addressing the needs as I saw them at that time. I also had the support of a community of talented artists, thinkers, and doers, friends and family around me. Their primary efforts (THEN) seemed to be to help clear a path and to help protect. However, when you effectively create something powerful enough to move the bulls#t out of the way, all kinds of forces and energies may not like that. They may seek to corrupt and discourage, to disrupt and distract, to divide, and sabotage…but we bore witness to the fact that this happened — a young, black woman through hip-hop culture, a legacy of soul, Spirit and an appreciation for education and educating others communicated love and timeless and necessary messages to the world.

The music business can be an industry of entanglements, where a small number of people are expected to be responsible for a very large number of people. It’s hard to find fairness in a situation like that. Now, I look for as much equity and fairness as possible. I appreciate being loved for my contributions to music, but it’s important to be loved for who you are as a person just as much, and that can be a delicate but extremely important balance to achieve. Experiencing that is important to me.

#black women #fame #hip-hop #lauryn hill #ms. lauryn hill #music #music industry #r&b #robert glasper #rollingstone #soul #the fugees #the miseducation of lauryn hill

5 notes · View notes

lonelypond · 5 years

Text

Moonlight Becomes You: Apocalypse Midnight Dance Party, Ch. 2

NozoEli, NicoMaki, Love Live, Love Live Sunshine, 3K, 2/?

Summary: Maki considers the dangers of dating, Eli has another Tarot reading and a date with dance, and You meets a friend.

Chapter 2: All Wet

“Why is it so difficult for them to date? They’ve known each other forever.” Maki heard herself ask as she replayed the end of the Rice and Ramen podcast she was scoring. Rin and Hanayo had made her sit down for a Kim Possible movie double feature when they’d found out she’d never seen any episodes. There was enough food talk that it qualified as a foodie movie -- somehow Rin had managed a five minute rant about lamb and cabbage stew which Ron Stoppable would have approved of. There had been Nacos served and time travel and evil toy cybernetic robots. And Kim Possible had been pretty cool. More people should have grappling guns. But for some reason, Maki had found herself fixating on the relationship between the two main characters.

Hanayo’s voice squeaked a little. Maki remembered her friend sitting forward, putting down her plate of mochi so she could fidget with her hands, “It’s not just a matter of how long you know each other, Maki. There has to be a moment. Kim never let herself see Ron as a potential date. She took him for granted.”

Rin snorted with laughter, “It took Kayo-chin like forever to realize I was hugging her because I wanted her to hug me back and it was different from how I was hugging my other friends. Even after I told her.”

“So you had as much trouble as Kim and Ron?”

Maki could hear the nerves in her voice as she spoke. Maybe she could make them edit this part out; it just sounded like she’d never dated anyone. And she had. No one that mattered, no one that took that step and made her...what would they have made her? Was she just not into romance...or sex?

“Nah. Kayo-chin never had anyone evil trying to smooch her.”

“But if Rin had moved away, my life would have been just as radically changed as Kim’s was.”

“I’m never ever going to Norway.” Rin had hugged Hanayo so hard her glasses flew off. “They can’t make me. Even if somebody hires my mom.”

“Mystical monkey time travel isn’t a thing, Rin.” Maki had a specific eye rolling tone of voice for when her friend was being silly.

“Is Norway?” Even with just recorded audio, anyone could tell Rin was just bouncing off the walls of the room.

“Yes.” Maki also had an exasperated tone.

“Don’t worry, you’ll find your Kim Possible.” Hanayo sounded so certain.

“Wouldn’t I be the Kim?” Maki winced at the whine in her question.

And then Rin laughed so hard she rolled off the couch, under the coffee table, and in trying to get back up before Maki could kick her again, knocked everything over, including their recording equipment.

Maki slid off her headphones. Mystical monkey time travel was almost as unbelievable as romance in her world. Here she was in a luxurious hotel suite, ALONE, in another country, between unexciting gigs, working on music for her childhood friends happy and friendly podcast. And it would be another week before she could attempt to ask Nico out for a meal and a chance to talk, to find out about what Nico cared about besides Eli...Maki’s lip curled up in a snarl, Nico was looking more and more frazzled every time she sent a selfie or posted a TWIG. And what was with that zombie makeup? Too many questions. Maki sighed and rewound to the discussion of cheese and pizza. Maybe they could go out for pizza? Nico could surely step away from roommate sitting for a pizza. Maki knew a place in Nico’s neighborhood. She typed a quick note in her phone. Could she text ask Nico to meet her there? Would Eli come along, like Monique...oh god, Maki was the Ron in this situation. Maybe she should get a pet. Would Eli eat it?

###

E: Hi Nozomi! How are you?

Nz: Eli? Hi.

E: Hi!

Nz: Sorry I haven’t been around much. Busy.

E: Me too.

E: But Nico said I should stop by and get a reading.

Nz: Do you do everything Nico tells you?

E: She haunts me otherwise.

Nz: ʱªʱªʱª (ᕑᗢूᓫ∗)

E: ha!

Nz: I could give you a reading over the phone.

(pause)

E: Really?

Nz: Sure. I can tap into our existing connection. Send me a selfie.

Eli wondered if this were some kind of a trick. She could almost see the laugh lines crinkling around Nozomi’s sea crystal eyes.

Nz: Are you naked (๑ゝڡ◕๑)

E: No!

Nz: *shrugs* then selfie please.

E: Shouldn’t we be talking? Like with voices and things…

Nz: Nah. Just think really hard,

E: You’re making fun of me, Nozomi.

A pic of Nozomi, her face contorted with concentration, popped up on Eli’s screen.

Nz: Serious face.

Eli giggled.

E: All right, I’m convinced. You’re very persuasive.

Nz: *tips hat*

E: You weren’t wearing a hat.

A pause and then another picture popped up, Nozomi in some kind of leather biker cap, winking, hand on brim.

Nz: Howdy, ma’am.

E: Mademoiselle.

Nz: Ooohh, French for flirty.

E: Actually, I learned it for ballet.

Nz: (⊙_◎)

E: All right, I’m concentrating.

E: What am I concentrating on?

Nz: Your question.

E: What’s my question?

Nz: I don’t know, It’s YOURS.

E: Is this like a birthday cake candle wish? That I shouldn’t tell anybody?

Nz: No, you should tell me. Or at least give me a hint.

E; Okay.

Nz: Now....

E: Oh right…

E; (・_・ヾ

E: Okay, I’ve had a big change recently...any advice about it?

Nz: I’m going to shuffle and deal out three cards now. So be patient. And CONCENTRATE.

E: *serious face*

Nz: Exactly.

E: Nozomi?

Nz: Sorry, just dealing out the cards. Now flipping them.

E: This is weird.

Nz: Hang on….

Eli’s phone pinged and a short video of Nozomi’s hand flipping three cards played, as she turned over the last card, two figures struggling in the snow in front a stained glass window, a fourth card blew across.

E: What was that?

Nz: The wind had something else to say.

E: What?

A pic of a person in a cloak staring moodily at three spilled cups and ignoring the two upright ones behind them showed on Eli’s screen.

E: I’m a vampire?

Nz: (*>艸<) interesting place to go...but no. You will not develop a craving for blood.

Eli wondered if a monthly craving for raw chuck roast counted. But that was existing, not something she was going to develop. She ran the video again. King on a throne, dude with a fish in a cup, then the couple struggling.

E: I’m in trouble. It looks like things are getting worse.

Nz: No no, it’s not that simple or harsh…

E: Reads harsh. I get buried in the snow outside a church I can’t enter because I’m a thirsty vampire.

Nz: (｡￫ˇ艸￩)

E: ╥﹏╥

Nz: Yes, things are difficult and nothing is as easy as it was but there are people who will help you if you let them. And positive things to look forward to if you don’t just stare at the past.

E: But I look so good in a cloak ◥(ฅº￦ºฅ)◤ And I love the snow.

Nozomi had started and stopped typing several times, until finally a reply popped on Eli’s screen.

Nz: It takes courage to look up and reach out.

Eli put the phone down. Nozomi had no idea what was going on but that seemed like such a callout. But Eli could also imagine the sad concern in Nozomi’s eyes as they looked up from the cards, encouraging Eli to talk, to share, to...reach?

E: I have to go. Nico’s got an emergency. Thanks Nozomi. I’ll think about what you wrote.

Nz: Eli?

E: See you soon (｀∇´ゞ

Eli shut off her phone. When was Nico due home? Eli was too restless to be alone. She turned her phone back on.

E: Hey, Nico, pick up a pizza. And hurry home. I’m...nervous.

N: Put on some music and dance. Nico will come to the rescue faster than Dominos.

Eli grinned.

E: Thanks, Nico.

N: Just remember, tip Nico $

E: Like a cow (((╹д╹;)))

N: Farmer Boi ; )

E: Got the horses in the back ; )

N: Nico is driving now. Hush.

Eli put down her phone. Somehow, Nico always managed to ease her tension. How Nico didn’t get overwhelmed, Eli had no idea. But she was grateful to have someone so fiercely on her team.

###

Kanan was staring out of the open window of the room Mari had given her the use of for her studio. Waves were cresting, low and gentle against the shore, sky a darkening blue. Dreamer, fluffy and gray and tiny and cute and determined, stomped over to rub against her leg. She bent down, scooped him up, holding him against her chest.

“Nice and cool, isn’t it, buddy.”

A meow.

“Mari will probably feed you sushi later. And maybe you could help me with a problem.”

Another meow. Kanan thought about Eli moving through the music, beautiful, but her grace somehow brutal as the sharpness of her fiercely locked control cut through the music instead of flowing with it, “Just stretch a few times in front of Eli, and then roll yourself up into the little snugly cuteness that you are.” Kanan raised him up for a kiss, then bopped him down and watched as his fluffy tail sashayed over to his favorite napping spot. Eli executed the choreography perfectly, Kanan had no quarrels with her work ethic, she couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated dancer, but Eli wasn’t opening herself up. Maybe this weekend, two solid days of dancing, would exhaust Eli enough that she might not be so guarded. Kanan wondered what Eli was so fiercely protecting herself from.

###

Eli was excited. Nothing but dance for most of the weekend. This was an amazing opportunity. Kanan was a hard taskmaster, but Eli hadn’t felt this challenged as a dancer since her first classes in Russia. Dance hadn’t felt this good, this hard in years. She could tell Kanan was frustrated, but being able to lock in the moves solidly with a focused weekend would give her the chance to prove to Kanan that she could interpret this...Eli stared at her bedroom ceiling. The piece felt personal, like Kanan should be dancing it herself, but Eli could also feel parts of her own experience in it, as the music pulled at her, muscles sliding back and….Eli shivered, sitting up in bed. Now why had she thought of that?

###

You had enjoyed the short, difficult hike to Sacred Grove. As a teen, she’d always enjoyed sleeping in, but after the Coast Guard got her used to early mornings, she come to treasure the quiet before the bustle of everybody en route to something scheduled. And her current situation meant many of her scheduled meetings took place in places like this, a closed off trail leading to a rocky beach in the picturesque Abalone Cove Ecological Reserve. The tide was rising, which meant she either had to rely on her contact to get her out of there safely or the meeting would have to to be short. Pressed against the base of the promontory, in shadow, checking quickly to make sure there was no immediate danger of a rockfall, You watched the waves until she saw the flick of huge snake tail parallel to the beach, the air suddenly full of a low cackling call. Then You stepped out, and a woman, with long tawny hair plastered across her torso to her waist, rose out of the water, her skin golden, paler stripes alternating with darker on her face, amber eyes cold and fierce over her lengthy nose.

You waved and hopped out until she was knee deep in the water, spray melding her Dream Big Fight Hard Live Proud Pride tank top to her skin. “Thanks for coming, Bo. You’re skipping the meeting tonight? Not ‘Crazy for CRAAVI?'”

There was a low rumble of what You had learned was amusement, then the Jiaolong spoke as she wrung out her hair, You glancing away from the breasts exposed, “Yohane tries very hard.”

“She does.” You chuckled, thinking of Yoshiko at the start of every Cryptid Research and Anti Violence Initiative meeting, frantically switching among pushing donuts on creatures from Man-Bats to Fresno Night Crawlers, trying to get attendees to join her in a chant, or at least form an orderly line for the coffee urn.

The Jiao sighed, “We of the sea have been avoiding the shore, but I received your message.”

“What’s up?”

“Humans are being more tiresome than usual…” You heard anger, “so limited in their imaginations again. Dragging them into the depths becomes too tempting.” A flash of double rows of sharp, jagged teeth, a flex of muscles used to whipping through riptides.

You shoved her hands in the pockets of her board shorts, keeping her posture easy, her aura amused. Encouraging mer rage was exactly the opposite of her plan. “Not joining me at the movies anytime soon then.”

“No.”

They let the waves hit them, soon the tide would be up to You’s waist but she wasn’t going to hurry this conversation, “Fair.”

Bo listened for a few minutes, You staring at the sky over Portuguese Point.

“Why did you call?”

“It’s getting dangerous.”

Bo shook her head, hair over one shoulder in a quickly twisted plait, “It’s always dangerous, more dangerous for others. We are heading south soon to help the gray whales navigate…”

“No, I mean…” You scratched her head, “there are rumors, ship passengers may be looking for mermaids and causing trouble. There are people stirring up fears. I am going to stop them.”

Another silence. Golden eyes that refused to release You’s. “I wish you luck. We will stay away from the shore for a season.”

You nodded, “Be careful.”

“You as well.” A quick hand brushed You’s, “Come swim with us in the summer.”

“I will.”

You turned away, as Bo fell back into the water. Just enough time to beat the tide.

###

“You have to be released from the susohiki and the fan, let them drop…” Kanan demonstrated as best she could with the arm not in a cast, the fan whipping through the air, the sleeve of the susohiki graceful it followed the movement and then, Eli swore she didn’t blink, Kanan shuddered and instantly the modified garment slid to the floor, a silken puddle evoking the muddled colors and waves Eli had seen on the dawn run that had kicked off the weekend intensive. It had dropped straight from the choreographer’s shoulders somehow, but even if Eli had blinked there was still the sense of a magician’s trick having happened at impossible speeds. Eli couldn’t learn the gesture because she hadn’t seen it.

“Try it again. It’s like shedding a skin.” Kanan explained patiently, crouching to sweep up the fabric and fan, then hand them to Eli. “Getting down to your” Kanan snorted a laugh, “Soul.” Her purple eyes softened, “Don’t you dare tell Mari I said that. She kept trying to get me to leave off anything but the robe…” Kanan raised her shoulders, tilting her nose in the air, and raising the pitch of her voice, “Accuracy in the arts is so important, Amore mio.”

“Accuracy?” Eli wondered.

Kanan looked caught, “Never mind. Just don’t tell Mari…”

“Dancers before…”

“Dangerous wives.” Kanan finished as Eli hesitated.

Eli slid her arms into the silk of the susohiki, taking a couple quick glissades en evant to feel how it flowed behind. Purists would be upset that the costume was just a simple robe, lacking the belt and the formal air a geisha would wear it with, but with the mix of Eastern and Western tonalities and instruments in the music, and a one piece, glittering midnight blue bodysuit underneath, it was easy to feel a part of two worlds. And when the outer robe dropped, Kanan’s choreography dove into one world, the music simplifying, rolling as the dancer….

“Eli?”

Eli quickly went through the middle section, fan whipping the air, cutting a path for Eli, fabric weighting her, pulling her back, a drag as she….Eli leapt, fan out, body curled and then opening, like a dragon swooping as the koto player plucked stars, letting them fall into the sea. And Eli landed, knees absorbing the force, fan out, leading a spin, eyes focused on her target, and then the...she dropped her arms, shrugged, surely the move was seamless but the fabric refused to release.

Kanan’s hand was there, at her shoulder, making sure it hadn’t snagged. Eli knew there was frustration, although Kanan’s voice just sounded weary, “It’s like you don’t want to be free…”

“That’s not true.” Eli’s reply was sharp and the she brushed Kanan’s hand off with the fan, “You’re just too fast, I can’t see the gesture…” Eli shrugged her shoulders, shifted them, tilted her torso forward, and eventually, the fabric slid to the floor. Eli kicked it. Kanan had gone back to the open window and was watching Eli, her arms crossed.

“It’s not a gesture. It’s a transformation.” Kanan closed her eyes, “It’s something inside, you just let go, let the unconscious happen. You were one thing, now you’re another, and free to...swim. You stiffen when you should be…” Kanan glanced at the sea, “surging.”

Surging was dangerous. Surging without any...Eli shuddered, a sudden vision of the tsunami that twisted through her at the will of the moon. “Can we take a break?”

Kanan shrugged, “Sure. If you need anything, just call the desk. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.”

“Thanks, Kanan.”

A quick nod and Kanan had stepped out onto the beach. Eli hit the light, glad the hotel wasn’t bustling this evening. The music clicked off and the shushhh of the water and drifting conversations nudged the edge of Eli’s hearing. The distraction was welcome, no one focused on her, no pressure to perform on command. She took a deep breath. She could do this. Nico would be lecturing her on how silly it was to fail for lack of confidence. This was a huge opportunity, a chance for Eli to finally debut in LA as a soloist. She couldn’t let anything stop her.

A/N: A Midsummer Night's Dream is approaching Tech Weekend, I can't believe it's July, and I don't know what Nico wants for her birthday.Thanks for reading; hope your summer's going well.

#NozoEli #NicoMaki #Ayase Eli #Tojo Nozomi #Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #Watanabe You #Matsuura Kanan #werewolf #dance #cryptids #mermaids #Los Angeles #California #fanfic #Moonlight Becomes You #Apocalypse Midnight Dance Party #etc

6 notes · View notes

relbyshock · 5 years

Photo

Amy Winehouse, Princess Diana, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Aileen Wuornos, Angelina Jolie, Adolf Hitler, Darrell Hammond, Pete Davidson, Winona Ryder, Vincent Van Gogh, Tommy Tiernan….

What do they all have in common? Apart from being famous figures, they all suffer(ed) or were rumored to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hey, me too.

I’m over the moon to have something in common with Princess Di (apart from our shared plight with bulimia), but I have to say, I’d rather not have anything in common with Aileen or Adolf…..

Borderline Personality Disorder is a confusing term to say the least. On the borderline of what and what? Well, in the ‘30s, it meant you fell somewhere between psychosis (untreatable) and neurosis (treatable).

Great, that’s reassuring.

Come the ‘70s, BPD sufferers were described as being very emotional, needy, difficult, at risk for suicide, and to have an “overall unstable level of functioning”.

Check. *sings “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan*

We also have rapidly fluctuating mood swings, unstable self-image, and a fear of abandonment. This disorder wasn’t even recognized by the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 1980.

Today, we know far more about BPD – “neurosis” is no longer used in the diagnosis, and BPD is no longer considered a psychotic disorder.

So what are we then?

Crazy?

Hormonal?

According to my family, yes. But in reality, the problem lies within our brains. Let me nerd out here for a minute:

The Amygdala (Ah-mig-dah-lah) is composed of two almond-shaped parts of the brain, deep in the medial temporal lobe, that regulate fear and aggression. People with BPD have amygdala’s that are noticeably smaller than that of a healthy person. The smaller the amygdala, the more overactive it is.

Like short guys with bad attitudes, or what I like to refer to as “little man syndrome”.

And then we have the Hippocampus – no, not pachyderm college. The hippocampus is responsible for spatial orientation (not falling over), long and short-term memory, and emotional regulation. Put simply, the hippocampus chooses the correct response to environmental events: Fight or flight.

You may be wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. The answer is yes – frequently – but the chances of minor brain trauma causing BPD are slim.

The causes of Borderline Personality Disorder are unclear. It seems to involve genetic, brain, environmental and social factors. There are rumours that people with BPD have issues with serotonin production, which has been linked to depression, aggression and having a hard time controlling “destructive urges”.

As for environmental factors, those who have been a victim of emotional/physical/sexual abuse, as well as being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child have a high likelihood of developing BPD. This is because our relationship with our parents and family has a HUGE influence on how we see the world, and how we feel about other people.

Gals are also diagnosed 3 times as often as guys. You’ve gotta wonder if that’s due to the fact that men tend to be more weary of the doctor, therefore avoiding a diagnosis altogether. This is pure speculation.

Shall we take a dive into the “Signs and Symptoms” as listed by Wikipedia?

-Markedly disturbed sense of identity

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions

-Splitting (black and white thinking)

-Impulsivity

-Intense and uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

-Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

-Self-damaging behavior (ie, substance abuse)

-Distorted self-image

-Dissociation

-Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse or rage

We are also aware of the intensity of our negative emotional reactions, and since we can’t regulate them, we shut them down completely. What my doctor and I refer to as feeling “flat”.

BPD sufferers are also extremely sensitive to real or perceived rejection. Let’s explain with a meme, shall we:

*looking at an unanswered text from 12 minutes ago*

You: They must be in the shower or just busy, they’ll respond when they have a chance.

Me: Ok well they were active on Instagram 6 minutes ago and they just posted a snap story….they’re ignoring me, why do they hate me? What did I do? Are they mad at me? Should I send another text to get their attention or is that too needy?

If you’re annoyed just reading that, TRY LIVING IN MY BRAIN.

I annoy myself.

I feel grief, overwhelming shame and humiliation where others would feel mildly embarrassed. A minor inconvenience such as cancelled plans takes me from excited to absolutely miserable.

In the past, an unflattering photo on Facebook has caused me to reevaluate my self-worth, and even my life.

The Sickboy podcast explained it beautifully: Borderline Personality Disorder is like having a third degree burn on your emotions. I feel that. Everything hurts me just a little bit more than the average bear (or human).

Why am I telling you this? Because boys and girls, today is Bell Let’s Talk Day here in Canada. I’ll include the link at the bottom. Basically, in 2010, Bell began a new conversation about Canada’s mental health. They’ve enlisted such figures as Howie Mandel, Michael Landsberg, and Clara Hughes to share their stories of struggle and strength in the face of mental health.

I thought today was as good as any other to address the stigma surrounding mental health, but more specifically, the stigma around BPD.

I can’t pretend to know all the answers – I’m not and won’t pretend to be a psychiatrist. But this is what the world looks like through my lens.

If someone honks at me while I’m driving to work, I’m upset ALL DAY. I never want to drive again, I want to pull over and cry, or turn around and go home.

If I get a moderately rude email, my brain fills with cutting, angry, and just plain mean remarks to respond with. “I’m sorry your father never hugged you as a child” is not a suitable response to a professional email, but that’s where my brain goes.

When I make plans with friends weeks in advance and they bail 10 minutes before, I am a heap of inconsolable sobs for the rest of the evening, and even into the next day. This plays into the fear of “real or imagined abandonment”. My BPD brain does not care that something came up or you’re feeling under the weather. BPD tells me that you hate me and you never want to see me again and you were just pretending to like me this whole time and you’ve finally made your escape. My logical brain tries to tell me that it’s ok, and we’ll plan something for another time, but usually, my BPD brain wins the fight.

When I get nervous and start to ramble trying to tell a story and my mom cuts me off with “Anyways.” I want to crawl in a hole and die, but I also sort of want to throw a plate at her face. My mother is a saint, so why do I feel this way about her sometimes?

Let’s get back to the causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad, Mom, maybe stop reading here…or don’t…but here’s your warning. You aren’t going to like this next part.

I was severely neglected as a child. Not physically – I had food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over my head – but emotionally and mentally. The minor relationship I did have with my father was marked by him coming home from a long shift (as a firefighter) and starting a fight with me about my weight, my shoes at the front door, my marks in school, and more often than not, “why are you always crying?!”. My mom also worked full time at a stressful sales job. So by the time she got home, she didn’t want to have to deal with anyone else’s issues.

So when I would have issues with anything from being bullied at school to just having a ‘bad mental health day’, I had nowhere to turn.

See, my brother and I were latch-key kids. We got home from school at least an hour before my parents got home from work. He and I never got along, so some sort of fight would ensue, and by the time our parents got home, he had made me cry. I was deemed dramatic and sent away to my bedroom, while the 3 of them would eat dinner together (usually something I refused to eat – like meat – which would be another reason to fight).

I’ve voiced this to my mom before, and she remembers my childhood very differently than I do.

As long as I have been alive, I have come second to my brother.

No, honey, we can’t go to (insert activity I wanted to do) because Maxx has hockey/a book report due/needs a ride to the bike track, etc.

Every dinner or event we went to was with HIS friends and THEIR parents, who ended up becoming my parents’ best friends (still to this day). I was always the only girl; so naturally, I stayed with the adults, because the boys wouldn’t have me.

But the adults didn’t want me there either. I felt like a constant annoyance.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I may not have been as unwanted as I perceived myself to be. Remember, BPD brains are sensitive to even slight facial expressions and tones of voice. But, when I voiced this to my parents, that I felt unwanted, and why couldn’t we do things with my friends and their parents, etc. I was told that I was being ridiculous.

Enter: Invalidation

Invalidation is the number one cause of BPD, according to my psychiatrist. Growing up in an environment where nothing you do is good enough will cause you to internalize everything.

I have no memories or examples of healthy emotional behaviour or relationships. In our house, we got the point across by screaming at or just plain ignoring each other. So when I get hurt, or I feel let down, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with my feelings. Further reinforcing my belief that the world is full of bad people who are out to ruin your day and be unkind, because that’s all I’ve ever known.

Research shows that if you already experience these difficulties as a child, experiencing trauma as an adult could make things worse.

Dad - now is really the time to stop reading.

(Sometimes I feel like I live inside the DSM definition of BPD)

At the age of 21 – fresh out of college and trying to start my career in the fashion world – I was sexually assaulted. Cue the downward spiral.

I didn’t report. I didn’t seek help. I confided in a close friend, and was called a liar. But that’s a story for another time.

So I buried that part of me so deep, that sometimes I could convince myself that it never happened. Sometimes.

I reached the end of my rope in 2016. I knew that if I didn’t seek help, I would not survive. I finally went to my doctor and spent hours with her, just sobbing and telling her everything.

She hooked me up with a psychiatrist, and put me in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and started me on an SSRI (anti-depressant) immediately.

As of today, it has been 1172 days since the assault. I only told my mother this past summer.

Since reaching out for help, I have begun to repair the relationship with my parents. My mom and I are closer than ever, and my dad and I are working on it.

As I write this, I feel the judgements pouring in. But I have decided that this year, I don’t care. I am not ashamed of my story. I will no longer hide the things I have been through in order to make others more comfortable. I will not keep my pain to myself because it’s easier for others if I stay silent. If bearing my soul can help even one person seek the help they need, then I have succeeded, and all this pain has been worth it.

The long and short of it is SPEAK UP! There is nothing embarrassing about mental illness. If you aren’t feeling right, there are people who care and are here to help you, including me. The first step is to tell someone.

The best advice I can give is to find your people. People who trust you, who lift you up, who validate your feelings, who listen and take you seriously when you say you’re having a bad day. I have spent the past year painstakingly building my support system, because the truth of the matter is, I can’t do this alone. And that’s ok.

Today and every single day, be kind to each other – it’s the only thing that matters.

https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/bell-lets-talk-day

#TW #TWSA #Trigger Warning #Bell Let's Talk #BPD #Borderline Personality Disorder #Borderline Life #bpd thoughts #Assault #it gets better #I promise

2 notes · View notes

love-takes-work · 6 years

Text

Steven Universe Podcast: Volume 2, Episode 6: Lapis

Season 2, Episode 6 of the Steven Universe Podcast, released March 1, 2018, is about Lapis Lazuli! The official description:

Lapis Lazuli may have left Earth, but she made one quick stop before her ultimate departure, and that was here on the Steven Universe Podcast! She's talking about being trapped in a mirror, her feelings about shoes, and why she loves a good fart joke! And Steven Universe creator Rebecca Sugar and former Executive Producer Ian Jones-Quartey provide insight into the background and development of Lapis, the significance of her gem placement, and what her departure from Earth means for her character on the show. Plus, actress Jennifer Paz, who voices Lapis, and Storyboard Supervisor Hilary Florido share their favorite Lapis moments and episodes.

Coming at you with another long podcast recap, I'm doing a highlights bullet list and following it under the cut with a detailed description of the discussion.

Highlights:

Lapis is based on one of Rebecca's oldest comic characters, Margo: an amalgam of Rebecca's teen angst.

Jeff Liu invented Lapis's water wings.

Lapis and Jasper's toxic relationship was (of course) born out of Lapis's need to take control in response to feeling helpless.

Rebecca did not initially know that the stone malachite is toxic in water. That was a lucky coincidence.

Lapis's Gem placement on her back represents vulnerability--having an important part of oneself obscured from one's own view, but exposed to everyone else.

Paul Villeco spearheaded the striking visuals of Lapis's initial formation in the show, and both Rebecca and Ian contributed to boards during those momentous scenes.

The arc about Lapis and Peridot's relationship is far from over (to the surprise of really no one), though Rebecca suggests saying so is a bit of a spoiler.

Hilary sometimes puts action notes on line delivery in the scripts.

Jen Paz and Hilary Florido think of Lapis as a realist, a pessimist, and a jaded character who is able to provide counterpoint to the more optimistic members of the cast.

Lapis is said to be "securing her mask" (as in on a depressurized aircraft) as a metaphor for how she's turning to self-preservation in the face of danger. First you secure your own mask, and then you assist others.

Hilary wants people to know Lapis can't just be "better" in the course of a single episode. She has lasting trauma and it will take sustained work to see progress.

Lapis's love of fart jokes shows that she does have a sense of humor in there.

Jen, in character as Lapis, answers that she wanted to have pumpkin seeds in the toilet and cat hair balls all over the barn, but her plans were foiled by others. Also, she prefers salt water to fresh water.

The detailed summary, including Rebecca and Ian discussing Lapis's development as a character, Hilary Florido and Jennifer Paz discussing writing and giving voice to Lapis, and fan questions answered in character . . .

Read it all below!

[Archive of Steven Universe Podcast Summaries]

Rebecca Sugar and Ian Jones-Quartey:

McKenzie opens by asking Rebecca and Ian to talk about the development of Lapis's character. Rebecca says the idea of Lapis goes back before the show, based on the unfinished comic character Margo (chronicler's note: she’s talking about "Margo in Bed," which we can see pieces of in the Frontier spotlight on Rebecca). Rebecca's comic focused on an exploration of love that later became an understanding of how love can be toxic. Her earliest designs did not include water wings because Jeff Liu invented those.

Ian thought she'd be a moody character, and Rebecca described her as vulnerable and taken advantage of, but interested in opening up to Steven. The Margo character from Rebecca's early comics had the support of a "happy-go-lucky kid," and that became Lapis's relationship with Steven. In discussing the comic, Rebecca highlights the importance of water and the Margo character being held prisoner by an evil dog who could control the weather, and then there's another dog who's cool and surfs on the waves summoned by the evil dog. Except they're actually the same character and Margo loves them both.

McKenzie brings up the manipulation theme and asks if Rebecca can describe what they were trying to do with the manipulation involved in the Lapis and Jasper arc. Rebecca says she wanted to express something she hadn't really seen in media before: being in an awful situation with someone who makes you believe everything is your fault, that you need and depend on them, and then you feel helpless and unable to control anything, to the point that you take the first chance you can get to control something. Lapis exercised control to take everything out on Jasper, and then when they separated she had no avenue for that desire--which Jasper then later uses against her because she knows deeply what Lapis was experiencing and why it made her feel so powerful.

Lapis is VERY self-destructive and everything about their relationship was toxic. Rebecca was very surprised when she learned the stone malachite is toxic in water! She calls it a lucky coincidence, and jokes that they should cut her admission that she didn't know from the beginning. (Rebecca started doing more research about gemstones as they developed later characters--especially Smoky Quartz, whose stone represents teamwork, which is perfect for how Rebecca sees the Amethyst/Steven relationship as similar to her own relationship with her brother.)

Next, McKenzie prompts Ian and Rebecca to discuss Lapis's Gem placement. Rebecca says her Gem placement on her back indicates having no control, lack of understanding of herself, being vulnerable--she won't be able to find direction because she can't see a big part of herself clearly even when it's totally exposed to everyone else. That's echoed in how the mirror was designed, too.

McKenzie says the images associated with Lapis are "striking" and that she remembers Matt and Ben discussing the image of the water tower on a sticky note. She asks about conceptualizing the other memorable visuals, and Rebecca credits Paul Villeco for the sequences when Lapis emerges, with Ian and Rebecca contributing. Rebecca loves the music in that scene too--Aivi created a really cool leitmotif for Lapis. Ian wanted the tower's music to echo Link's Awakening (for Game Boy). Ian points out that this was one of the earliest times when Steven disobeyed the Gems. McKenzie loves to show "Mirror Gem" and "Ocean Gem" to people to get them hooked on the show.

McKenzie asks about Lapis leaving with the barn in more recent episodes. Ian says you could see the moment coming between Peridot and Lapis--there are cracks in their partnership, and their relationship isn't totally healthy, though Rebecca doesn't want to talk about it too much because this arc is far from over. (Spoiler? Spoiler. Except nobody thinks it would ever end that way, with Lapis just disappearing.) Lapis had a lot of baggage from her time in the mirror, then Homeworld's imprisonment, then trapped in a Fusion with Jasper, so it was bound to explode in her next relationship.

Rebecca reminds us that Lapis is very afraid--she's at the barn with Peridot, but they're IN HIDING, not just hanging out. She doesn't see a lot of difference between leaving Earth the way she did and the way they've been hiding like refugees on Earth together. And it's important to remember that Lapis has more fear because she's experienced the horror Homeworld can dish out, versus Peridot who's never really been through that and has been able to win her fights so far. Both characters have a lot of growing to do.

Jennifer Paz and Hilary Florido:

McKenzie has her guests introduce themselves: Jennifer is the voice of Lapis Lazuli, and Hilary is a Storyboard Supervisor on the show. Their paths never really cross in their work on the show, they say; Jen and Hilary hung out at a party once and that's about it.

McKenzie asks Hilary to discuss direction on the dialogue, and Hilary says she'll add action notes if she thinks they'll be necessary for proper delivery. Lapis's lines are often very deadpan and "dry," which Jen thinks is hilarious for someone with water powers. Hilary prefers writing lines for Jen, not so much with the sad stuff, and she likes the slow burn on Lapis's emotional development.

The next question for Jen is about what it's like to receive a new script. Jen gets the script ahead of time (and is super curious about where the story is going!), and she loves learning about Lapis's mysteries and all of her new experiences. Jen references Lapis's first episode (as discussed on a previous podcast) where she shows what incredible power she has but also likes fart jokes and is awkward; finding out what direction they'll take her is so interesting. Hilary loves Lapis's potential.

Hilary really liked writing "Barn Mates" (and loves Jen and Shelby's vocal performances in it). Especially when Lapis is like "Water? Seriously?" Hilary also really loves the dark realness Lapis can drop . . . but super casually. McKenzie asks about favorite episodes in reference to Lapis, and Jen loves "Room for Ruby," how the Ruby was about to get accepted by everyone but Lapis, and she was so happy to have been RIGHT at the end, even as a pessimist who was reluctantly going along with her optimist friends. Jen relates as the jaded member of her relationship with her upbeat partner. Jen especially likes how Lapis took herself out of the action and reflected on whether something might be really wrong with her because she can't adjust flawlessly like this happy Ruby. And how she tries not to blame the Ruby.

Hilary praises Lapis's character trait of being able to pull back and reflect. As the realist, she acknowledges that Homeworld is targeting Earth and she isn't okay with that while everyone else seems to be ignoring it. Jen feels like Lapis is "securing her mask" the way you would on a depressurized airplane.

McKenzie asks about Lapis's mindset at this current story point, and Jen thinks she's given herself a time out, and Hilary thinks all the emotion pushes her to a fight or flight situation, and she doesn't want to deal with any possibility of interaction with the Diamonds. Hilary thinks she isn't used to a non-battle setting that's peaceful. Jen relates to Lapis because she has trouble asking for help even though her partner could help her solve problems, and she tries to solve problems on her own without him.

“What is your favorite part of working on Lapis?” asks McKenzie. Jen just says "Everything!" Hilary likes Lapis's dialogue, her flowy skirt, and her water powers. Jen likes how they're addressing Lapis's difficulties on several levels. Like in "Alone at Sea," you can be strong enough to get out of even the most horrible situations--it can get better on the other side. Hilary thinks Lapis can't be made "better" in an episode; she has longstanding trauma that she has to keep working through. Jen thinks she needs some therapy, and Hilary agrees that she is learning to ask questions and bounces feelings off Steven. Not to mention . . . the fart jokes. A sense of humor.

Lapis answers questions:

McKenzie: What is the best idea for a meepmorp that you've ever had?

Lapis: I love a good fart joke. So I wanted to include the pumpkin seeds in the toilet, but Peridot shot that down. I thought it was a great idea! But she shot it down.

McKenzie: Did you ever have any ideas for meepmorps that sounded good but just didn't come together?

Lapis: I wanted to have like, a bunch of cat hair, like cat balls around the walls, in the barn, but Pumpkin got jealous of me trying to find cats. So that was not good. Pumpkin is territorial.

McKenzie: Do you think water is wet?

Lapis: It's certainly salty. I like that no matter what, my hair is always intact in the water. So I don't really know if it's wet. I don't even know what that means.

McKenzie: I don't think anyone does. I think that's the big question there. But that's some good commentary.

Lapis: What do YOU think?

McKenzie: I think water itself can't really BE wet? Water can make other things, if you're on a surface that's not normally wet and you put water on it, that makes it wet, but like, water is always, you can't put water on water. I don't know. These are questions beyond my pay grade.

Lapis: Between salt water and fresh water, I like salt water.

McKenzie: Why don't you wear shoes?

Lapis: Being trapped in a mirror for thousands and thousands of years, I never really got out, so I didn't have any footwear. You really don't need shoes to fly around, so I just kind of got used to it. Who needs shoes in the air?

McKenzie: What's the point of walking if you can fly? Thanks so much for coming on to talk to me!

Lapis: Okay, bye!

[Archive of Steven Universe Podcast Summaries]

#steven universe #steven universe podcast #lapis lazuli #jennifer paz #rebecca sugar #ian jones-quartey #mckenzie atwood #hilary florido #myblog

831 notes · View notes

davonnerochelle · 6 years

Text

The Struggle of Being Human: A Stream of Conscious Expression, Post Semi-Public Breakdown.

It’s a pretty weird concept to digest, the idea of being human. Not being the flesh and bones earthly manifestation of human, but the act of being human. I wonder what people think when I say things like, “ I’m struggling with being human?” Probably, something along the lines of “what the hell are you talking about?” “Are you not human?” “What are you an alien?” Though I don’t think this conflict of acting as human is so foreign to someone like me. Like me, meaning someone undergoing a conscious spiritual awakening, someone who tries their hardest to do everything right; not even consciously, but feels if I’m going to do anything at all, I do it with all my best effort and I succeed, no exceptions.

Someone who, when they actually allow themselves to slack or do poorly, feels wrecked about it. Feels guilty about it. Being human in this context means allowing myself to error; allowing myself to mess up and be okay with it. Being okay with being angry, or frustrated, or pessimistic, or negative, or talking shit about a perfect stranger. Bakara Wintner and Lindsay Mack talked about this in episode 13 of the Tarot for the Wild Soul podcast: when they do readings for people they’re non-judgemental, open-minded conduits for their clients. However, outside of that context their human just like everyone else. And that is okay.

I struggle with this and clearly, this struggle has been boiling under the surface of everything that has been plaguing and pulling at me over the last few months? Two years even!!! At lunch today with my favorite colleague I said the words “I’m struggling with being human” out loud and I nearly burst into tears. It took all of the strength within me, not to ugly cry in front of 6-8 suits sitting at a table across from us. Inevitably, I broke down in my office after lunch. I called her and she let me cry with her on the phone (she’s so awesome!). I just kept thinking it to myself as I was power walking back to my office: “I’m struggling with being human! WTF!” Even now, tears are threatening to mess up my modest working girl makeup look.

What does this even mean? It means I’m trying so hard to be a “perfect” disciple of New Aged principals that I forgot perfect is an illusion and by default humans “ain’t perfect”....and we never will be. We are a mess. We are a hodgepodge of a mess. We are a mess, on top of chaos, smashed within circumstances. We can’t be perfect! We have to relinquish that control. Even if the intention is to hold space for others to feel and be imperfect, we are not going to do that perfectly. There’s a lot of shit happening in my life right now. I’m trying to remain strong and positive, trying to let work things roll off my back because, in perspective, it’s not that big a deal, and stay cool when the personal things mushroom into anxiety laiden irrationality. The fact of the matter is holding that much potential stress in a human size container is not sensible, and it is not recommended. Eventually, you’re going to implode and implosion gets messy.

Hence this post-traumatic breakdown, stream of conscious brain vomit. This is not healthy. ...this expression is healthy. The fact that it took a semi-pubic emotional breakdown to allow sed expression to manifest is unhealthy.

So what did I learn from this experience? (Because that’s really the point right?)

Well, I’ve learned a great number of things:

I’m not perfect. I never have been and I never will be. This is some 4th house/nadir, Tower transformation epiphany shit! My standards are too high and I need to cut myself some slack. Give myself a break. It is not my life’s purpose to take over the fucking world. That is not why I’m here. I need to be okay with minimum effort sometimes. I need to be less guilty about my more human qualities. I trip and fall (and sprain my ankle apparently) sometimes and that’s okay. I misread emails and walk clear across campus in the wrong direction to the wrong classroom to teach an information literacy class (that I don’t want to teach in the first place) after bitching about the class’ instructor being lazy and unkempt (yes! That happened!! And you can slice the irony with a cold butter knife).

The above mentality allows me to create the overly stressful situations in which I have recently found myself: this neverending vortex of “holy shit!” that hurricane’s around me while I try to doggy paddle to safety. Yes, I’m admitting, I’ve done this to myself. Apparently, I measure success by how many circuses I can juggle over my head with my eyes closed (7 safely; 9 is where destabilization tends to happen). Majority of the things I’m engaged in right now I don’t want to do, or I’m doing it in such a way that I never wanted to. And I wish I could just start over and do it the way I wanted in the first place. It feels really good to “say” that out loud. I hate this hysteria I have created for myself. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Goddess/Spirit/Universe (whatever, you get the point!) is done with being subtle with me and will not be ignored. If I ignore her she will allow me to throw myself off a cliff to make a point. Maybe this is why Joey was yelling and swiping at me this morning. I think my cat is psychic/intuitive (we’re just a family of witches at the Rooney household). If I get home and get sassy “I told you so” cat eyes I’ll let you know. What exactly am I saying? Yes! Yes i received numerous intuitive warnings about this breakdown and ignored them all: don’t wear your spirituality as a badge on your ego; go easy on yourself you’re only human; slow down, ask for help, don’t take on too much; I’m struggling with being human/don’t forget to be human. These are verbatim things I’ve read either over IG or Facebook, received during an intuitive reading, picked up on myself through injury or card reading, or a friend/family member told me recently. I have to stop ignoring them. I just suffer in the end.

Finally, THIS is okay! Breaking down and sharing it with the world is okay. I wanted to write about being human for the last few days and I just kept putting it off: too busy. I need to stop doing that too. I need to share with you all what I”m thinking and going through because apparently some of you like reading it. But, ultimately, it just helps me feel better (i’m okay with being selfish about this! See! I’m learning). There doesn't always have to be a higher purpose or agenda for something. Sometimes you just need to express yourself and that’s okay.

Thank you all for reading my word vomit! If I’ve been a little “holier-than-thou” lately I apologize. I’m just really into this shit. I love everything about everything I’m doing right now: meditation, yoga, reiki energy work, Oracle/tarot, astrology, other such similar things. They just make me happy. Please feel free (gently) to point out to me when I’m being hard on myself and not allowing myself to be human. I need that grounding.

Be Well!

#stream of thought #stream of conscious writing #thetower #epiphany #journaling #beinghuman

2 notes · View notes

thezodiaczone · 6 years

Text

June Forecast for Libra

Open your GPS and drop a few pins on the map, Libra. As the Sun bounds through Gemini and your adventurous, worldly ninth house until June 21, you’ve got an appetite for adventure—the farther from home base, the better! With on-the-go Mercury also in Gemini until June 12, short getaways and staycations can break up the monotony if you can’t log out for longer. Whatever you do, swing as far out of your comfort zone as you can. From long-distance business opportunities to cross-cultural connections, mixing it up is your M.O. this month.

The June 13 Gemini new moon could bring an exciting entrepreneurial opportunity or the urge to broaden your horizons. You’re hungry for new experiences and knowledge, so tap the hivemind for book, podcast and workshop suggestions. Can you add more flexibility to your work schedule or carve out time for an indie project? This lunar lift will be in effect from now until the corresponding Gemini full moon on November 23. Plan a bucket-list trip, apply to an educational program or start planting the seeds for growing a business that has YOUR name on it.

Father’s Day is June 17, and the moon will be in Leo, energizing your eleventh house of group activity. Adopt a “more the merrier” approach if you’re celebrating a special guy or favorite father figure, and maybe blend a few families for the occasion. Keep plans loose and casual. If anything formal (and never-ending) gets scheduled, prepare your alibi for dipping out after a while or suggest an outing—you won’t have the patience to sit around all day doing nothing!

The rest of the month takes a different tone as Neptune and Mars turn retrograde, bringing the total retrograde planet count to five. (Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto are already in their slowed-down cycles.) This is a time best used for reflection and behind-the-scenes planning—and taking things one careful step at a time, the preferred Libra way!

But don’t get TOO summer-casual just yet. On June 21, the Sun starts a monthlong march through Cancer and your professional tenth house, setting your career on fire. While others are cooling down at the beach, you may be heating things up in the air-conditioned office, toiling away on a big project or deal. Of course, if you can make power moves while mingling at a beachy “white party” or email that proposal with your toes in the sand, by all means, do!

Back to those retrogrades: The first planet to reverse will be Neptune, from June 18 to November 24. Neptune makes this U-turn at roughly the same dates each year and, for the eighth summer in a row, it will back through Pisces and your sixth house of health, service and organization. With muddled Neptune pivoting here, be mindful of your whereabouts, as you could be accident-prone or make careless mistakes while multitasking. Slow down and do one thing at a time. If you get lost in your head with over-planning and overthinking, remind yourself to tune in to your surroundings and be fully present wherever you are.

In some ways, Neptune’s retrograde can actually thin the fog, helping to clarify an issue you’ve either avoided or been in denial about. If you’ve had a mysterious nagging ache or pain, get it checked out—but solicit a second or third opinion if need be. The sixth house rules the digestive system, and Neptune’s retrograde is a good time to check on your “gut health.” From popping a probiotic to taking a microbiome test to (if you’re of the age) getting a colonoscopy, it may not make for fabulous dinner-table conversation, but keeping those intestines healthy and functioning can be a huge vitality boost.

On June 26, energizer Mars will join the retrograde brigade, downshifting until August 27. Mars is in Aquarius and your passionate fifth house from May 16 to August 12, so the bulk of the backspin will rattle your romantic and creative quarters. Chemistry that sizzled could fizzle—or at least sputter—as hasty Mars slows his roll. Some couples might take a break or even call things off if you can’t control your stormy reactions. This Mars cycle could stir up drama, and you may have to do battle with some outsized egos, in both work and love.

Home takes center stage on June 28, when the year’s only Capricorn full moon illuminates your domestic fourth house. Step back from your busy schedule to connect with close friends and family—and to treat yourself to some well-deserved self-care. With structured Saturn hovering close to the moon, you may be signing a lease or mortgage, planning a move or helping out a relative in need. An elderly loved one, possibly a maternal figure, might need your support near the end of the month. If you’re planning to change your living situation, cautious Saturn urges you to check references and conduct due diligence—from roommates to renovation contractors to real estate listings. Read the fine print, and don’t settle!

Love & Romance

With your ruling planet, amorous Venus, sailing through Cancer and your tenth house of long-range goals until June 13, you may be more focused on “where’s this going” than “how does it feel?” While there’s nothing wrong with planning ahead, you want to be sure you’re not putting the cart before the horse. Make sure you enjoy the ride before you start building a stable!

On June 5, Venus swings into her annual opposition with shadowy Pluto, who’s holding down the fort in Capricorn and your domestic quarters. You may feel pressure from your family to act a certain way or go along with something that isn’t in your heart. While you can’t just ignore these people, you do have the right (and the responsibility!) to stand up for yourself. This transit can also issue a warning about any plans to meet a new interest’s parents or relatives. Brunch is fine but think twice before you agree to a full weekend at the family retreat (and that advice also goes for longtime couples).

Meanwhile, the other cosmic lovebird, passionate Mars, is marching through Aquarius and your romantic fifth house all month, dialing up the passion and inciting you to a take a risk in the name of love. But when the red planet turns retrograde for two months starting on June 26, watch for drama or the (unexpected) return of an old flame. You know what they say: Play with fire, and you CAN get burned. Drama and discord could surge up once Mars goes rogue.

On June 13, Venus enters Leo and your social sector, which should lighten things up a bit and allow you to enjoy friends and activities without feeling the need to advance your agenda or stress about the future. Leo energy reminds us how much fun it is to simply play and laugh and not worry about looking silly!

A pair of time-outs could come on June 14 and 25, when Venus squares off first with unpredictable Uranus, and then with supersizer Jupiter in your finance-related sectors. This could ratchet up tension over money and shared responsibilities that aren’t being equally distributed. As much as you’re trying to be in the “now,” it could get challenging if you feel like things aren’t being handled fairly. Speak up—but lean in to that Libra diplomacy! Take a step back from any heated emotions on June 21, when Venus and Mars clash in an opposition, pulling you between head and heart.

Key Dates

June 14: Venus-Uranus Square Too close for comfort? Today’s cosmic clash between the love planet and disruptor Uranus finds you craving space in a relationship. Don’t make any sweeping changes when your emotions are all over the map. Clandestine thrills are tempting—you miss the rush that comes from feeling desirable and sexy. As long as you don’t violate trust or boundaries, a little harmless flirting can be fun. Watch your own jealousy or urge to snoop today.

Money & Career

Blue skies ahead! With the Sun sailing through Gemini and your expansive ninth house until June 21, you’ve got your sights set on the big picture. Don’t squander this time dealing with minutiae. Brainstorm, network, attend conferences or workshops that not only boost your savvy but get you inspired. Mingle with thought leaders and influencers, and you could soon become known as one yourself, especially near the June 13 Gemini new moon.

With energetic Mars in your creative and passionate fifth house all month, you’ve got the vision AND the enthusiasm to make your brilliant ideas sound irresistible. Fame could even come knocking—just make sure you’re attracting the right kind of attention. Contrary to the popular saying, there IS such a thing as bad publicity, Libra—and when Mars is retrograde from June 26 to August 27, dial back the promotions and put your head down. What do you want to be known for? Ponder that question and tighten your game. You can come back with a vengeance in the fall once Mars is direct.

When the Sun enters Cancer and your professional sector for four weeks starting June 21, put the whiteboard and dry-erase markers back in the supply closet and get down to business. It’s prime time for hashing out a master plan, talking to decision makers and putting those visionary ideas into concrete form.

Work-life balance could get challenged at the June 27 Sun-Saturn opposition, a tough once-a-year face-off that can test your patience and bring out a pessimistic streak. With emotions clouding your judgment, you could be torn between head and heart. Family or personal life demands may cut into work, leaving you feeling like you’re failing on all fronts. This, too, shall pass, Libra—do your best not to get sucked into a melodramatic spiral. The next day’s Capricorn full moon could bring resolution to a personal matter, helping you clear the way for more productivity.

Key Dates

June 27: Sun-Saturn Opposition Optimism aside, do you and your colleagues have the same goals for this project? Is someone trying to hog the credit instead of showing their team spirit? You have a chance to advance professionally, so don’t stay in the wrong place out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

Love Days: 4, 8 Money Days: 15, 23 Luck Days: 13, 21 Off Days: 19, 11

#libra #Monthly Forecast #astrology #horoscope #zodiac #libra monthly

10 notes · View notes

wineanddinosaur · 3 years

Text

VinePair Podcast: Wine Has a Bad Language Problem

This week on the “VinePair Podcast,” Adam Teeter, Zach Geballe, and Joanna Sciarrino discuss how the language of wine tasting notes has created a gatekeeping effect in the industry. After listing what they have been drinking recently — including a Pennsylvania Nebbiolo — our hosts dive into a discussion about the pretension of many wine descriptors.

That conversation leads into the hosts’ opinions about how wine tasting notes often alienate people who are just getting into wine. This particular Eurocentric language creates a barrier for entry into wine, which can be intimidating to some and a turn-off for others. Instead, Geballe, Sciarrino, and Teeter believe that professionals should take a step back and allow consumers to make their own decisions about wine.

If you have any thoughts on wine language, please send your ideas to [email protected].

Listen Online

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Spotify

Or Check out the Conversation Here

Adam Teeter: From VinePair’s New York City headquarters, I’m Adam Teeter.

Joanna Sciarrino: I’m Joanna Sciarrino.

Zach Geballe: And in Seattle, Washington, I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the “VinePair Podcast.” Zach and Joanna, how were your holiday weekends? What’s going on?

J: Do you want to take it, Zach?

Z: Oh sure.

A: He never misses a chance to be called on first.

Z: Well, I just follow the lead. Anyway, my weekend was nice. We had a pretty low-key fourth. We had a few of my cousins over for what my wife, who is from Wisconsin, refers to as “cooking out.” I refer to it as grilling. Whatever, it’s cool. It was pretty casual. The Fourth of July is a rough night for my dog, which is unfortunate, but he did OK. It was nice that my wife had a four-day weekend, which is cool. Yesterday, she said, “We gotta go back to work.” That just means her office. Still, it’s an adjustment for all of us. But it was nice to drink a lot of rosé over the weekend. It was warm, sunny, and just good weather for rosé. We also had some chilled reds from northern Italy. It was lovely. Joanna, what did you do?

J: Nice. So our Fourth of July was also very low-key. We just hung out at home and on our roof for a little bit. We also grabbed dinner at a local restaurant. We also had some rosé and had some more Tip Top Proper Cocktails, which I love. I really like them. I also had a really good, Oaxaca Old Fashioned.

A: Very cool, so my Fourth of July was good and also not good. On the good front, I had some really delicious wine. My wife is from Lancaster, Pa., and we brought some really cool wines with us. Keith, who is VinePair’s tastings director, and his wife Gina came along, and we had a bottle of Biondi Santi that was incredible. We also actually had a really great wine that’s made in Pennsylvania. It’s called Vox Vineti. He was a big wine lover from Manhattan, moved to Pennsylvania, found this amazing piece of property, and is making Nebbiolo and things like that, which was awesome. On the not-so-good front, I wasn’t sure I was going to talk about this, but I think I need to. That night of the Fourth of July, we were playing with fireworks in the front yard with the whole neighborhood. This guy across the street came out and yelled f*****g Jews at us and it wasn’t the first time that I have experienced anti-Semitism in my life, but it was pretty jarring. It reminded me of the two times recently I have experienced it in our industry. Once, an Amarone producer told me, without knowing I was Jewish, that the reason his Amarone prices were falling was that the Jews control the markets. Another time when I was in Chile, a wine producer said to me that the reason Chile is known for cheap wine is because of the Jews. I thought about that and thought this is completely unacceptable. The fact that this person felt it was OK to yell at us, and he had no clue that we were Jewish. Besides the fact that my in-laws are, but they’re not outwardly looking Jewish at all, meaning that they’re not religious. They don’t wear any head coverings, etc. He still chose to yell that at us anyway. Keith and Gina, obviously, are not Jewish. Then, the fact that these two producers have said these things to me prior to Covid as a “we know the truth,” right? I felt that I needed to say something because it’s completely unacceptable and absolutely ridiculous. We’re talking about all these other times where we want to root out all the huge issues in our drinking culture, whether it’s sexism, racism, xenophobia, etc. I believe that when this happened to me, I had not spoken up in the past. In both those situations, I didn’t say anything. This weekend made me regret that. I wanted to protect the publicist, who apologized for the winemaker who said it. I wanted to look the other way. At this point, I’m not going to protect those people anymore. Actually, the publicist who wanted to protect that winemaker, I’m pretty disappointed, still has that winery as a client, which is not cool. Anyways, not to take us down a weird path, but it was just something that I’ve been thinking about since it happened on Sunday. It weirdly ended my Fourth of July weekend, and it needed to be somewhat brought up because we all have to talk about these things or they’re just not going to go away.

J: I’m really sorry that happened to you. That sucks.

A: It was nuts.

J: It’s really disgusting.

Z: Adam, I think you and I have talked off-air about this before, but I, too, have been subjected to anti-Semitism. I have also been present when those things have been said when someone doesn’t necessarily know that I’m Jewish, and it’s awkward. It’s both offensive and awkward. For me, it’s often been hardest with “jokes,” where you think, “Do I want to be that person who makes a big deal about this?” One time in particular, I came very close to saying something, and I regret not doing it. I also think it’s one of those things where sometimes, you make a decision where the person telling the joke that’s inappropriate is frankly, someone who passed away within the next year and was quite old. Then, is this really worth getting into? I don’t know what it is. You end up in this place where you just recognize it. It also reminds you that this thinking, these beliefs, whether it is anti-Semitism or bigotry of all other kinds, it is there. Frankly, I’ve thought in my life that when someone says something in that vein, I know where they stand. They never say anything and they’re just thinking it real hard, you know where you’re at with that person. When they open their mouths and say something like that, now I know this is how you feel about me, women, or people of color. Obviously, this happens in a lot of ways and I know that many of our listeners have been present or victim to this, so it’s obviously not just anti-Semitism. For you and me, Adam, we’ve experienced it personally.

A: Yeah, exactly. I would assume a lot of our listeners have experienced this in another form, whether it’s sexism, racism, etc., and it’s just not appropriate. It’s not OK. If you are listening, and this happened to you, it can be really scary to say something in the moment, right? You don’t want to say something. I think whether you address it later or you talk to people who are involved, it is important if you believe you can. I think it’s important for people who represent these people. If you have a client, I understand that’s revenue, but if you have a client that is doing these things or is saying these things, it’s a reflection on you if you continue to work with them, and in this regard when it was the winemaker from Italy, “Oh, he’s just their export manager. He’s just one of the brothers.” He’s the export manager?! Come on, that means he deals with people publicly all the time and that reflects on that winery. You shouldn’t be working with them anymore, regardless of what fees they pay. Again, we have a lot of work to do. Unfortunately, over the past five years, there’s been an acceptance of saying these things again. Hopefully, we’re moving away from that, but there definitely seems to still be a large number of people who are very emboldened to say very hateful things to people — whether they know or don’t know those people are part of those groups. It’s not cool. It’s just not cool. Anyways, I will change the subject so we don’t only talk about this for the rest of the episode and get into a different one which is also equally, I think, about acceptance and trying to make things more inclusive to all people. Zach, I’ll let you jump into our topic for today.

Z: Yeah, so this started as a thought in my head that that’s been getting more concrete over the last couple of years, and it’s come from a lot of teaching and working with the public on wine in particular. Unfortunately, the wine industry — and I think you see this spilling out into beer and spirits, too — there is this emphasis on really specific almost comical tasting notes as well as European-centric, too. What I mean by this is if you go look at the tasting notes for a wine and it says “late season blackberry compote and spring sandalwood,” that is the type of language that I think all of us in one way or another roll our eyes at in a sense. It also has this really pernicious effect, which in my opinion, at least, it really gives casual wine drinkers and people who work in the trade, this sense that every wine is a test, and all of us fail. One, picking out all of those tasting notes is often being pulled out of someone’s ass, to be completely honest. You’ve got to write a paragraph about wine if you’re a reviewer or if you’re the person creating the shelf talkers for the winery or for the distributor. You’ve got to say something, and there’s only so many ways to describe wine. There are only so many flavors and aromas. There are a lot of them, but in the end, how many different ways can you say blackberry? Again, it creates this idea that these flavors, these aromas, are not just present in the wine, but distinguishable for everyone. If you drink this one, you should get these notes. That’s the perception that the industry gives off. It is not true and also serves to alienate people. I was just pouring at a public event the other day, and people asked, “What should I be getting in this wine?” I mean, just drink it. You can tell me what you think, but this isn’t a test. I don’t have a scoresheet here. I’m not looking to grade how good of a wine drinker you are. I’m really disinterested in that entirely. Again, this idea that every wine is a test for people is the one that I really want to see go away. Joanna, since you’re someone who is newer to wine, I would love to know from you if this rings true. Is something that you have experienced?

J: Yeah, that’s a good question. My initial thought when I’m tasting wine is what I taste, versus what I think I’m supposed to taste. Seeing something that says “marionberry,” maybe I can pick up some berry qualities or berry on the palate. I’m not necessarily looking to those descriptors to inform how it tastes for me. If I can taste a wine and then identify something that’s been written, great. But I also understand what you’re saying, Zach. I think for people, especially people who are trying to educate themselves about wine, people who are attending classes, I understand this desire to be able to taste what a professional says you should taste. I also see where that’s problematic because that leaves it to your own palate and what you’ve tasted. If you haven’t tasted a marionberry, which I don’t actually think I have, then you’re excluded from that experience, right?

A: Well, when you see these tasting notes, do you find them to be intimidating? I’ve definitely heard that from people who are getting into wine that’s what has always intimidated them to begin with. Or do you just think that they’re pointless?

J: Actually, what I find more intimidating in some of these other descriptors. I don’t know what a chewy wine is. What is a crunchy wine? I don’t know what that is, so that’s when I feel stupid.

A: No, I agree. An issue with wine is that it’s created this language for itself over years and years of writing about it. People collect it and make it, which is great, but it does then create a barrier to entry. The only challenge that I would posit, which is something that I think Zach and I have talked about before, is that I think a lot of people lose in wine like that barrier. That barrier to entry means that not everyone can enter the luxury market. I mean, think about it this way. If you’re talking about handbags…

Z: Adam’s favorite comparison!

A: I haven’t talked about this in the past?!

Z: Yes, you have.

A: No, I haven’t.

Z: Oh, yes, you have.

A: Whatever, so not everyone’s allowed to buy a Birkin bag. You have to walk into Hermès and you have to ask a certain way. Then, they have to size you up and then they’ll let you buy a Birkin. It’s an elite club. When you have the Birkin, you are known as someone who was able to buy a Birkin. I think in a lot of ways, the way we talk about wine is, are you in the know, or are you not? I’m going to say things in a way such as, are you going to appreciate this wine, or are you just buying it because it’s expensive? I had a similar experience recently where I went out to dinner with some people and we went to a very nice restaurant in Manhattan, Le Bernardin. I ordered a bottle of wine, and the wine came to the table. It was from an area of Burgundy that is not known for having the best Pinot Noirs, but if you’re on this specific spot in this area, you actually might as well be in one of the best areas of Burgundy for Pinot. The two people that I was with love wine, but don’t know a lot about or don’t speak the language. They asked, “Hey, can you tell us what wine?” The server just went off this laundry list of all these random descriptors and said what I said, but almost making them think that the wine was a diamond in the rough, but in a really weird way that totally overwhelmed them. All they were looking for him to say is “Oh, the producer is this person. They’re really known for making whatever and the wines f*cking delicious.” That’s all they were looking for. When he left, they were saying it was like he was testing them and did they understand what he’s saying? That’s what I’ve always wondered with wine: Is it both? First of all, to become really versed in wine, you are almost forced to learn all these descriptors and all these ways to talk about it because you want to be able to have these conversations with other people in the know. So it’s a way to challenge people, but then it’s also this barrier for a lot of people. Joanna, as you were saying before we started recording, it also doesn’t take into account the experiences of so many people who are currently coming into wine who have different aroma experiences, have different cuisine experiences than this traditional, very much French, Eurocentric way that we have always talked about wine.

Z: I think you make a good point, Adam, about a segment of the wine industry reveling in some sense in the way that the language creates a barrier to entry. Tasting notes like I’ve described are ubiquitous. You see them on $7 bottles of wine as much as you see them on $700 bottles of wine. It’s not just a high-end problem. I think it’s an all-of-wine problem. To me, it comes back to a fundamental issue that we have in the industry. If we want to talk about wine in a way that is accessible to people but also not the opposite. Sometimes, when it’s just like, “This wine is good,” I find that to be a little bit “eh, fine.” I think there is a middle ground to find and it’s maybe a middle ground of accepting that most people, given their life experience, may not be able to distinguish between blackberry, marionberry, loganberry, and boysenberry, but they probably have had berries before. They have some sense of that. Maybe they can’t tell you the difference between all these different pears but they’ve had a pear before. It’s about simplifying the language. Will there be a little bit of nuance lost? Yes, but I honestly think that a lot of those nuances are in the eye of the beholder in the first place. One person’s ripe pear is another person’s tart pear. It’s very hard to objectively discern these things, in my opinion. At the same time, to talk about other parts of the wine experience and the impact of the wine on us that often doesn’t get mentioned in tasting notes. They get talked about some in professional circles, and they’re adjacent to the things you both recoiled against — chewy and crunchy — but they are more about the texture of the wine. One of the reasons why I think it’s so important to talk about texture when it comes to wine and anything that we drink is because for so many of us, the things that we like and don’t like, have a lot more to do with texture than flavor. Yes, some flavors are off-putting, but I see this because I have a child, and I’m seeing him learn what he does and doesn’t like. It’s so much more about the texture of a thing than the flavor of a thing because flavors are malleable. We can learn to appreciate new flavors but if you don’t like mushy things, you’re never going to like a banana. It doesn’t matter what the banana tastes like, the texture of the thing is the problem. Wine, too, has lots of different textures that have to do with the ripeness of the grapes, the level of alcohol, residual sugar, the tannins — all these things and more. Yet, that element of wine is not mentioned, or it’s given an opaque term such as crunchy or chewy. I could sit here and try to explain to you what those things mean, but the point is we could talk a lot more interesting notes in descriptions of wine. I think it would be good for everyone in the industry to talk much more about the actual physical sensations of having the wine and waste a lot less time talking about ephemeral and very hard to define aromas and flavors. A wine that’s high in tannin is going to have the exact same physiological impact on everyone who drinks it because it’s just a physical and chemical reaction in your mouth. It’s not based on a memory. If you didn’t have red currants when you were a kid, and you don’t know what the f**k a red currant tastes like, it might as well be gibberish. Everyone can recognize, if they pay attention to it — part of it is paying attention to, of course — what their physical tactile senses are telling them. We have to be willing to talk about those things. I find them fascinating and interesting in how wine affects us in the same way that it’s interesting to talk about how alcohol affects us. And how over the course of an evening all the things we experience will be in some way affected by that. I don’t know, I get why the florid prose seems to sell bottles or sounds good or give someone something to do, but I just don’t think it does anyone any real good.

J: I also find that those types of descriptors — the more objective ones that perhaps more people experience — also feel intimidating. Almost as intimidating as saying something tastes like a rare fruit you’ve never had.

A: I agree with Joanna.

Z: I’m wondering if reading or hearing someone say it without any explanation is more alienating. I mean, someone can say this wine tastes like an anjou pear and you maybe not have had that, or I don’t remember how that is different from other pears, but you know it tastes like a pear, so you feel OK. And talking about a wine that is rich, oily, or wine that is really lean and linear. We need to learn what it means to have those wines, but I do think that there’s real value. Again, maybe this isn’t for every last person who drinks wine. Nothing is, but for people who want to learn a little more, I do think there’s real value in focusing or thinking about these more objective, chemically and physiologically derived experiences with wine than just emphasizing flavor. I think it is similar to the difference between al dente pasta and overcooked pasta. It’s the same thing, but our experience eating it is different, even though the noodles are the same either way.

A: If you want to talk about descriptors, good for you. That is, if you want to get more into wine, but I think the problem that we encounter all the time that we need to try to rectify is when you are someone who is selling wine or you are someone talking about wine to people who love wine but aren’t as geeky or learning, just say it’s f*cking good. I think that’s something that beer does much better than wine, and I think spirits do in a way, too. Also, don’t judge people for words they use because you think you know better than them. Again, a publication we will not name wrote a whole takedown of the word “smooth” recently. It’s not the people’s fault who used that word? Don’t be a f*cking prick. I get that you don’t like that word, but that word exists in so many other beverages. Oh, this whiskey is really smooth. Oh, this New England IPA is really smooth and fluffy. Of course people are going to apply it to wine, so get over it and try to understand why they like that.

Z: Many wineries have sold their wine based on the notion that it’s smooth. That was the selling point for a lot of California Merlot for a long time. It’s smooth, and with red blends, same thing.

A: Again, that’s where I question: Do you really want to make money? Do you really want to get other people into these beverages? Do you want to get them excited? If you did, you would amend your language and you would become more accessible. If you don’t, then you won’t. Don’t be upset at the companies that have decided they’re going to figure it out and do it. Don’t shake your fist at the sky and say, “Well, they’re big wine.” Well, they figured it out. They’re bringing more people into wine in general, and there’s something that’s awesome about that. I think we’d be much better off starting with, “The wine is really delicious. It’s super refreshing.” People know what refreshing is, right? When you talk about wine, say, “This is a very refreshing white wine. It might remind you of lemonade.” Most people know what lemonade tastes like. Or, “This is a great red wine with the steak that I see that you ordered.” Things like that, I think, are much better. The reason that gosh, now, a decade or more ago, someone like Gary Vaynerchuk had such success was he just was willing to say that these tasted like banana runts or this tasted like Juicy Fruit. I don’t think that there were more people in America who knew what Juicy Fruit tastes like. I don’t really remember what Juicy Fruit tastes like. I was not allowed to have a lot of candy growing up. I think they thought, oh, my gosh, he’s breaking the mold using candy and other things as opposed to Anjou pear, which I love that that’s what we’re using right now in this conversation. Anyways, it was just refreshing to people that he wasn’t scared to say it tasted like something else. At the end of the day, what’s so cool about wine is that wine tastes like what you remember so it’s all based on flavors you’ve had before. When you walk up to a consumer who’s getting into wine and say you’re going to have X, Y and Z, and they don’t taste those things, you just make them feel stupid. I don’t understand why there has to be such one-upmanship of what is good and what isn’t. For example, there was another thing that happened to me this last weekend.

Z: This was quite a weekend, my goodness.

A: I think it’s interesting because this goes back to what you guys are talking about. Keith and I went to this amazing producer, Vox Vineti. We had his Nebbiolo, which was really, really good, but it tastes much leaner, less tannic, and all that stuff. I posted it on Instagram and I had a few somms who slipped into my DMs, some of whom I’m not actually friends with, who just happened to follow me. They said there’s no way. Well, that is what my palate told me. Trust my palate or don’t, why are you arguing with me? That is exactly what my palate said it tasted like to me based on the fair amount I had because I like that style of wine. What’s the fight? Why does it matter? I posted that not trying to say that Pennsylvania is going to be the next source of the best Nebbiolo in the world. I didn’t say any of that. That’s the problem with wine that we need to get over. Don’t tell the consumers it tastes like strawberries, let them tell you what they think it tastes like. “I think it tastes good.” Awesome. Then, that’s how it tastes. “I think this tastes like boysenberry.” Sweet, I don’t know what boysenberry is, but good for you. ‘This reminds me of the red wine I used to drink with my grandmother.” Dope. “This is from Virginia, but it tastes like Bordeaux.” Awesome. People should just get to have their own experiences with wine and everyone else should shut the f**k up.

Z: Well, I think there’s also one last piece of this. There is this unfortunate belief that there are right wines and wrong wines, again, coming back to this notion of it not being a test. I found this a lot as a sommelier, so often with tables, they do want to be essentially told what you said, Adam: “This is really good f*cking wine.” I always train my servers and say that my job as the wine director is to make sure that all the wine is good. The point is you’re not going to ever get to the wine that you recommend to them as the right wine and all the other wines are the wrong wine. Well-made wine is well-made wine. If people like the broad-strokes style that it’s in, they’re probably going to like it. Yes, some people might be more particular than others. This is true in all things. However, at some point you get yourself, guests, and consumers in this headspace where they’re worried about being wrong or worried about making mistakes. That’s when they choose something else. They either step away or they go back to the same thing they always bought or ordered. It’s a language problem. It’s a marketing problem. It’s an attitudinal problem, for sure. It’s unfortunate because it’s pretty widely spread, but it’s also exciting to me because I think it is an area where you get people coming into wine from other places, from other backgrounds, other experiences where you do see people who don’t need this framing. They don’t need to play within this established benchmark and established lexicon that exists around wine in a very Eurocentric way. I think it’s super exciting to see people breaking out of that framework and using the verbiage that makes sense to them. That is connected to their life experiences, their sense memories, and the foods they eat. That’s fantastic, and I may or may not connect with all of it. It may not be in my lived experience, but wine and the wine industry would be all the richer for more of that and less of the same old shit that’s been written for the last 50, 60, 70 years.

A: Totally. I completely agree.

J: Yeah, and one last thing. Some of my favorite wine experiences that I’ve had are when I’ve been in a restaurant and expressed to a sommelier the types of flavors or wines that I like. Then, they would bring me something that they think I would like.

A: I agree. That’s how it should always be, right? I’ve had a wine recently that’s one of the trendy wines out of California right now. I don’t really love oak, so I didn’t really love this wine. Yet, a lot of people do right now, and that’s OK. Even with critics, the reason certain critics took off in the past and still have followings is they have palates that other people like. There’s a lot of other people in wine that don’t agree with those people’s palates and that’s also OK. We shouldn’t just make wine for one person’s palate. That was a huge mistake when everyone followed Parker, and we’re now correcting that. It’s OK if some wineries make that style of wine and his palate likes that style of wine and there’s a lot of people that like that style of wine. That’s OK. I just think that there’s so much variety in the world of beverages that we can all find things that are delicious. At the end of the day, it’s just as you said, Zach. It’s the job of the person selling that wine to just ensure that the person knows that it’s really good.

J: I think the more language we can use to describe wine, the better.

Z: Exactly.

A: I agree. Well, guys, this has been a great conversation, as always. I won’t be with you next week. You’re going to miss me so much.

Z: I also do want to hear, listeners, if you have thoughts on this. We love to get your feedback on anything, but particularly this topic in which we are trying to push the conversation forward in how we talk about and think about things like wine. Please email us at [email protected]. It’s really exciting to hear from you all, whether you agree or disagree, whether you think Adam’s Pennsylvania Nebbiolo is crap. Let us know.

A: Hey, hey, hey.

Z: Well, slide into his DMs for that, I guess. I’m sure it’s good. I would love to try it. I’m just saying.

A: I had some bottles.

Z: Oh, excellent.

A: I mean you are going to have such not a good conversation without me next week, but I hope it is at least a B-level conversation.

Z: We’ll see what we can do.

A: Talk to you guys later.

J: All right, bye.

Z: Sounds great.

Thanks so much for listening to the “VinePair Podcast.” If you love this show as much as we love making it, then please give us a rating or review on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever it is you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show.

Now for the credits. VinePair is produced and recorded in New York City and in Seattle, Wash., by myself and Zach Geballe. He does all the editing and loves to get the credit. Also, I would love to give a special shout-out to my VinePair co-founder, Josh Malin, for helping make all this possible and also to Keith Beavers, VinePair’s tastings director, who is additionally a producer on the show. I also want to, of course, thank every other member of the VinePair team who is instrumental in all of the ideas that go into making the show every week. Thanks so much for listening, and we’ll see you again.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article VinePair Podcast: Wine Has a Bad Language Problem appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/wine-has-bad-language-problem/

0 notes

johnboothus · 3 years

Text

VinePair Podcast: Wine Has a Bad Language Problem

If you have any thoughts on wine language, please send your ideas to [email protected].

Listen Online

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Spotify

Or Check out the Conversation Here

Adam Teeter: From VinePair’s New York City headquarters, I’m Adam Teeter.

Joanna Sciarrino: I’m Joanna Sciarrino.

Zach Geballe: And in Seattle, Washington, I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the “VinePair Podcast.” Zach and Joanna, how were your holiday weekends? What’s going on?

J: Do you want to take it, Zach?

Z: Oh sure.

A: He never misses a chance to be called on first.

J: I’m really sorry that happened to you. That sucks.

A: It was nuts.

J: It’s really disgusting.

Z: Adam’s favorite comparison!

A: I haven’t talked about this in the past?!

Z: Yes, you have.

A: No, I haven’t.

Z: Oh, yes, you have.

A: I agree with Joanna.

Z: This was quite a weekend, my goodness.

A: Totally. I completely agree.

J: I think the more language we can use to describe wine, the better.

Z: Exactly.

A: I agree. Well, guys, this has been a great conversation, as always. I won’t be with you next week. You’re going to miss me so much.

A: Hey, hey, hey.

Z: Well, slide into his DMs for that, I guess. I’m sure it’s good. I would love to try it. I’m just saying.

A: I had some bottles.

Z: Oh, excellent.

A: I mean you are going to have such not a good conversation without me next week, but I hope it is at least a B-level conversation.

Z: We’ll see what we can do.

A: Talk to you guys later.

J: All right, bye.

Z: Sounds great.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article VinePair Podcast: Wine Has a Bad Language Problem appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/wine-has-bad-language-problem/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/vinepair-podcast-wine-has-a-bad-language-problem

0 notes