#too depressed to fall asleep

[shanoaravendare]

What do you do when the person you usually pour your heart out to is the one person you can't talk to because it involves them?

I have 2 people I unreservedly trust in this world, that's it. Two people in the entire world that I honestly believe would never use anything I tell them against me. And I can't talk to either of them about what's bothering me; one because it involves them and the other because they most likely wouldn't respond well.

So once again I'm alone when I so desperately need to reach out to someone. I'm alone because years of betrayals have built up such thick barriers that I'm all but incapable of letting people in. I built a castle around my weaknesses and deeper emotions to protect myself. I just forgot to leave myself a way to leave once it was safe outside. Probably because I have so deeply believed for so long that it was never going to be safe.

Now I've found someone who makes me feel safe. And they're even more broken than I am and determined to "protect me" from the horrible person that years of abuse have made them believe they are. I know I'm never going to be what anyone is looking for, I came to terms with that when I almost married a man who was only with me because I was the bargain brand version of the person he really wanted to be with. I'm the human equivalent of ordering Pepsi and being asked "Is Coke okay?"; people will settle for me if they can't get what they really want.

I'm poor. I'm disabled. I can't have children of my own because I would have to stop taking the medicine that keeps me alive. I have, what amounts to, a pity job with no prospects of advancement. I'm a failed academic, I wasted 4 years and the money my family struggled to set aside for my education and have nothing to show for it. No one really wants someone like me, I'm nothing but a burden. My ex fiance broke off our engagement when he thought I was going to die because he didn't want to be saddled with my hospital bills after I died.

I should be fine with all of this. I should be used to it after so many years. I've been alone as long as I can remember really. There were no children in my neighborhood growing up so I turned to books to fill that void. Especially fantasy and fairytales. Worlds I could escape to and experience the things I knew I never would in the real world. Like travel, and people I could count on to have my back, and romance, and if not Happily Ever After at least Happy For Now (I'd settle for just Happy).

The world is full of wicked rulers, conniving business men, war, and hate, greed, and fear. My books prepared me for them. But there are no fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor, at least not for people like me. Cinderella stays in her ashes, Rapunzel never leaves her tower, Snow White's heart is delivered to the Evil Queen on a silver platter, Sleeping Beauty never wakes up, and people like me don't get happy endings.

Someday, I'll die alone and be forgotten. Which, ironically, is how the person I'll never be good enough for hopes their life will end.

#midlife crisis #depression #loneliness #despair #life isn't a fairytale #talk of death #anxiety #things that keep me up at night #too depressed to stay awake #too depressed to fall asleep

[emoreooo]

so carry me from these walls, brother of mine

#going with colored sketches for now augh.... #what if whenever kel had a nightmare hero would keep him company and play with him until he falls asleep #and kel cld always rely on his brother to help him see reason and to soothe the storm inside his head #tonight kel wakes up from another nightmare. tears in his eyes sweat dampening his shirt etc. but his brother remains unresponsive #kel wonders if hero gets nightmares of.. mari. and was too depressed to even react strongly about it. always crying silently barely moving #so he curls up beside hero in his bed and makes himself comfortable there #kel wld provide him comfort even if hero wont ask for it #but as time passes kel painfully realizes that he too missed the home he once had in his brother #omori kel #omori hero #kel omori #hero omori #omori #omori fanart #fanart #my art

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I had these weird recurring dreams I had in middle school that I mostly forgot but kept using as fuel for melodramatic daydreams where I was a secret agent slowly dying by poisoning or just me, a kid, dying slowly of brain cancer and it took me like most of a year to figure out that the reason all those angsty middle schooler daydream scenarios I was playing out in my head in the car or in bed at night had a strange edge of deja vu to them because they'd started out as barely remembered dreams. I think it clicked when I was sitting in an airport waiting to board a redeye flight to visit family. there's a certain feeling about sitting in an airport when it's dark out and you're tired. everything is a little bit off. it's a liminal space by definition but as a kid it has a strange melancholy to it that somehow I felt like I'd felt before, and it scared me. it wouldn't get out of my head. I didn't know it them but I was about to spend that entire trip, nearly two weeks, locked in that strange melancholy deja vu darkness. and the thing is that a part of me enjoyed it. was compelled by it. I was scared but it wasn't in a bad way. I called it bad dreams because I didn't have any other words to explain why it made me nervously excited to daydream my own death. it was a feeling of mystery, almost, and bittersweet. but the sweet in that word comes at the end. it was melancholy and I felt like I'd been there before and would die in that feeling. but I always wanted to know more about it. always wondered about the strange recurring dreams and imaginary worlds they sparked. there was always something fascinating about those to me. it always struck something in my emotions that nothing else really can.

and that's what listening to Circa Survive feels like to me

#like it's not depressing it literally just feels like liminal spaces and nighttime to me #which are things that I love so like. yeah #anyway in retrospect the dreams and stuff may have been a child's response to various situations in my extended family at the time #that I'm too tired to get into #I just kind of wanted to write all that analysis of liminal spaces and daydreams and then throw in the punchline of like #yeah so this is actually about a hardcore rock band :) #sjdkdfjskfnskgjs #I'm so tired tonight guys. I'm gonna watch an episode of something and go to sleepies #Lu rambles #living in liminalities #music #circa #ALSO in retrospect there was probably a lot of spiritual warfare happening in my life that specific summer. like weird stuff for me #where I had weird physical sensations whenever I would try to fall asleep and stuff??? but I was too young to really #take that into consideration #that summer DID teach me a love for liminality and the good stuff in melancholy though. so it had a purpose of course

[therichantsim]

The evolution of a house I'm building in Tartosa simply because I could not sleep. I have no sim for this house. I may just paint the rest of the rooms and furnish the bathroom and kitchen and upload it as a cc lite-ish build. Or you can always download the shell and furnish it however you see fit. I know how much of a paint sorting through cc can be.

#Too bad a bad bish with a problematic toxic boyfriend can't live her best life here #It has lots of natural light in the day time #no more dark depressing penthouse #I'm just saying... #work in progress #I'm finally getting tired enough to fall asleep #He'll probably find her anyway #He got gps tracking in her butt shots

[thebrandywine]

wet beast. Weapon!Leon just standing outside getting soaked because no one told him to get out of the rain

#no but this is actually really sad 🥺 #i honestly debated in chapter two having him fall asleep standing up but it made me too depressed #.ask

[bluejaybytes]

Okay last OC post I've already indulged myself enough today with my many many OC essays. Anyways Maggie can't dream </3 Part of her weirdass soul is that like... the reconnection of both halves (It wasn't equal halves, about 2/3rds of her soul went into Margaret, the other third was the ghost-of-a-ghost left behind) didn't really... work... properly. That's the cause of her worsening issues, both portions of her soul are constantly freaking out (Not to mention that souls grow over time when alive, the piece that made up Margaret is bigger than it was when Maggie died). Part of that is in her ability to dream, or lack thereof. She's only able to dream in memories, typically getting either the memory of her murder (Horrifying, violent, and extremely traumatic), or random memories of Margaret's life (While not violent, this is still really horrifying to Maggie, because this essentially proves that Margaret was her own person, and therefore she feels like someone died to bring her back to life)

#my OCs #Maggieeeee maggie my beloved. girl please SLEEP #she had insomnia before (depression + ghosts that pester her + she just. likes being up at night) #but now its even worseeee to the extent shes just. not sleeping. if she stands still for too long she'll literally fall asleep #SHE GETS BETTER this entire thing with Maggie is that She Gets Better. #Her insomnia never like. goes AWAY. but it goes from 'sleeping maybe 1-2 hours each night' to '4-5 hours a night + midday nap' #esp because once her soul heals properly she can have normal dreams again #Part of the reason Jenna moves in with her is because Maggie genuinely cant sleep alone anymore #she NEEDS to have someone in the house with her to sleep #Jenna being there instantly makes it easier- albeit its still not EASY by any means- for her to sleep bc she knows she wont be alone #turns out getting murdered when home alone at night kinda fucks w your ability to feel safe. whoops

[caffeinatedopossum]

People be like "you don't look autistic"

Bestie I may be wearing metaphorical shoes but I promise you underneath this, all I feel is wet socks. All the way down. My deepest emotion. Wet sock.

#other autistics please tell me you know what im talking about #my deepest emotion really is wet sock and im convinced this is why i have depression #hrrg its like whole body gag. like the feeling of a limb falling asleep but on all of my skin #its like being able to hear rats in your walls all the time. the sensory. why the world so sensory all the time ;-; #anyway im a bit unhinged because ive been very sick and very overstimulated for days #and i swear to go i cant do anything without wanting to bite myself in frustration #literally if i want to take a drink? oopsie i spilled it and now im wet AND sticky. two of the textures ever #PLUS my wrist hurts now because i lifted something and im still thirsty because i cant move or think when all i feel is wet and sticky #hnng wet socks. wet socks ;-; #and i cant really stim to help because im way too tired for that #plus my main stim is just. pacing. and my balance is shit right now which means i will walk into walls so many timez #and yes it hurts a lot when i walk into walls #i got the No Proprioception update for Autism apparently -_- im so tired of being inhumanly clumsy #send backup im so sleepy

[yardsards]

i think the issue with having an extremely inconsistent sleep schedule is not that your overall daily schedule will be out of wack (i am quite fine with changing schedules) but rather that all hours of the day are Schrodinger's Bedtime. like, going to bed just feels like An Option at all times and this leads to a lot of laying in bed almost dozing but not really sleeping

#eliot posts #i BRIEFLY got my sleep schedule back on track but then i got sick had to sleep all day to recover and now it is Bad again #and then before that it was STABLE for a while but... #i was going to sleep at sunrise every day #which was Bad #bc by the time i woke up it would be almost sundown #so time completely stopped feeling real #fuck the winter darkness i am moving to the fucking equator as god intended #we must ALL come to brazil (or ecuador or kenya or whatever) #but seriously tho like why is my default circadian rhythm to FALL ASLEEP AT SUNRISE #it has always been like this and it happens in all seasons #(isn't too bad in the summer tho bc there's more hours of sun and also student schedule lets me Live Like That) #i am constantly battling my body to adhere to a somewhat normal sleep schedule #bc alas being a member of society means i have to be awake and doing stuff at certain times #scheduling meals and activities a certain way and avoiding blue light does NOT fix shit #keeping a regular schedule can help sometimes but is‚ again‚ an uphill battle against my body #i should honestly try getting one of those seasonal depression sunlamps and staring into it at like 10 pm every night #trick my brain into thinking it is sunrise (and therefore time to sleep) #(also i tried melatonin supplements once and it made me feel like my bones were trying to slither out of my skin #and i had a panic attack and didn't sleep that night. so i am too terrified to try THAT again)

[ouroboobos]

If you test too late can you get a false negative for covid even if you recently had it? I was like 100% sure we had covid again a couple months ago but my brother and i both tested negative. But ever since then I've barely been able to stay awake during the day. I'm used to fatigue but actually struggling to stay awake is really unusual for me. And it's BAD, like i've almost fallen asleep standing at the register. I'm wondering if it's a post covid thing because it's really fucking weird

#its normal for me to be low energy but usually i cant fall asleep during the day even if i try #unless im having like a bad depressive episode and sleeping like 17 hours a day #but now its like. i get out of bed and spend the rest of the day trying not to fall asleep #my brain fog has gotten bad again i cant focus on anything i cant stay awake my body feels weird and weak #like ???? it really feels like a post covid thing. my mother has been having a lot of the same issues too since we were last sick

[cheekblush]

me today 💤

#no i did not end up studying 🫣🤐🤥 #the ibuprofen did help with the migraine but i still feel so drained like my energy tank is on 0 😞 #and i'm tired of beating myself up for not constantly studying like why do i always have to neglect my health for school?? #idk how other people do it bc i know others get way more done than me & have way more responsibilities but i just don't have that kind of.. #energy i'm sorry it takes up all of my energy just to survive and exist in this world 😭 #i feel like such an immature crybaby but once again that kafka quote comes to mind: #i could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason #also my mom recently pointed out to me that i have been studying for 21 years of my life & i just went shocked pikachu face 😯 #like that is absolutely INSANE i've been in school since i was 6 years old it's honestly a miracle i didn't kms yet #and all of this studying for what??? you'd think i'd amount to smth but i'm an utter failure 🙃 #literally haven't achieved anything the only things i got in my name are mental & physical health problems </3 #well this is getting depressing let me stfu #so instead of studying i ended up watching sailor moon & dragon ball while eating chocolate covered strawberries <3 #i actually wanted to take a nap but i just couldn't fall asleep even though i feel so exhausted #i need to survive 3 more weeks of exams before the easter holidays... i'm on my knees but i'm crawling... #i just need to pass everything... no need to have perfect grades just make it through these next 3 weeks alive #i just know i'm gonna have a breakdown soon & cry my eyes out bc it's all getting too much again 😮‍💨 #☁️

[pepprs]

not doing good. at all

#purrs #today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge #getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a #and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak #i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry #and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d #do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b #be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of #km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for #any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is #making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis #miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being #shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this #delete later

[visasmarr]

Revan allowing himself the indulgence of picturing Bastila with their son one last time before he forces himself to forget. Erasing every memory of every touch, of every word spoken all over again because it’s the only way he can ensure the Emperors gaze never settles upon them

#i thought of this as i was falling asleep last night #but i was too comfortable to write it down anywhere #so i decided that it was depressing enough a thought that i’ll remember it in the morning #and i sure did #you’re welcome #revan #bastila #text

[girlwithfish]

literally wot is wrong w me

#cant find any motivation to get out of bed or energy etc.. hungry asf but too tired to make dinner even if its smth as simple as boxed pasta #i am too tired rn. ig when i go home to my bf i have more motive to like function nd get up tjo i still fall asleep after work usually but #after i like wanna get up n eat so i can spend time w him nd do stuff byt #since im alone today i feel like i have no rzn to get up. i am so depressing #just in like an executive dysfunction way too like i wanna get up nd relax nd do stuff but i also have to eat nd possibly shower(i rly shld) #But i also Dont want to and i am way too tired rn so wot do i doooo #i shld just suck it up nd make dinner i need the energy #Im tryna go to sleep by like 10pm today lmaooo

[bpdamandayoung]

one (1) man had called me "princess" in my entire lifetime and it was the paramedic during my first psych ward stay and tbh it was pretty funny so i forgive him

#contex he asked me “princess when r u getting out” bc i was there for almost 2 kont #*months. really funny if we ignore the fact i was begging my mother to sing my release warrant every day #anyways he was really cool he brought us the extended edition lord of the rings dvd too bad the nurses wouldn't let us watch the whole thing #i think his name was Robert but i'm not sure #i'm drunk so if it doesn't make any sense it's bc you don't see my godly vision whatever i'm gonna play Andromeda six #n then fall asleep byeee i love u angels are reall n i can heat their whispers in mt ear #depression and stuff

[ben-her]

You guys know you’re all my best friends, right?

❤️

#Im in that depression mode where the laaaaaast thing i want to do is put clothes on. #It extra sucks because i do actually want to shower as much as possible but my bathroom sucks rn and also i don’t want to change! lol #I just want a bathtub again #And central heating lol #But idc as much as i care about not changing out of my jammies #i did ok getting mostly clothes that basically are jammies but… i just…. Dont… wannaaaaaaaaaaa….. #But other than this and not being able to fall asleep until 5am no matter what #I haven’t had too many bouts of melancholy #Yay💖

[toastsnaffler]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!! #i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!! #i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent