#to actual experiences i had in my actual marriage lmao.

[jvzebel-x]

(a love story in five parts:)

"You could do anything to me, and I'd let you. ... Tell me you love me, at least. Please. I need to know somebody does."

"I always think of a passage from the Symposium, this allegory about people who started off as two halves of a whole, but then something cut them apart and they spend their whole lives looking for the other half so they can fit themselves back together. And that's how it feels. It hurts. It's like I lost you before I was born."

"I know why you fuck me like you wish you could kill me. I know everything that gets you off, you can't help but show me. There's no part of you that I can't see."

"Because it wasn't as if they'd never hurt each other before-- between them, it was a kind of tenderness, writing themselves onto each other's bodies with every mark they left. It was a promise: I'm here, I've always been here. Pain was a necessary consequence, but that was all it was."

"All they were-- all they had ever been-- was a pair of sunflowers who each believed the other was the sun."

x. "These Violent Delights", Micah Nemerever

#These Violent Delights #Micah Nemerever #📚 #i have been waiting for this book for AGES. i got the rec forever agoooo&it was so worth the wait im clawing out of my skin LMAO. #the way that song of achilles invoked feelings uncomfortably close to my love at what would arguably be its best #there were scenes in this book that made me need to put it down&decompress bc they were uncomfortably close #to actual experiences i had in my actual marriage lmao. #it was actually... fascinating. seeing this story from the pov of someone whos thought processes reminded me so much of #one of the most profoundly abusive ppl i have ever had the misfortune of being involved w LMAO. #it was incredibly written. so much so that when the narrative would devolve into stints that were obviously&heavily unreliable-- #i had to. stop. for a sec. lmao. #paul would spiral out of control while dissecting julian&the tone. the way-- even in his own head-- there was nothing julian could #do or say to make him believe that he loved him or cared about him or wasnt manipulating him. it was. intense. lmao. #so obviously i am fucking OBSESSED 💘💘💘 #this came at such a good time-- 'if itll keep my heart soft break my heart every day'. :')♡

[pussy-ache]

thinking about how my sister just got engaged at 27 to her first boyfriend ever and i just don’t have a good feeling about it

#i mean i’m not talking to her right now lmao. i did not even say congrats #but i’m still her older sister and i don’t believe she really has experienced enough of the world and of love itself to be tied down #at least in that way — technically speaking she’s already ‘’tied down’’ being in a long term committed relationship #but like. i know she thinks my mom had us when she was ‘’too old’’ #my mom had me at 35 and my sister at 38 #my sister criticizes my mother for that and has made comments throughout the years about how her friends mothers are all so much younger #meanwhile my mother lived an EXPANSIVE life in hers 20s and early 30s #she went out outward bound trips with hippy dippy granola eating fucks and camped out for months on end #she jumped out of planes and paraglided and rode motorcycles #she was a huge pothead and spent so much time at the beach studying tide pools and looking for horseshoe crabs #she even metal detected after storms to see if she could find unique lost beautiful jewelery and other items that were lost at sea #she was a PERSON and without those experiences would NOT have been our mother #i’ve explained this to my sister dozens of times over — your opinion of our moms age is based upon you not seeing her as a PERSON w/ a LIFE #and she does not care. she still believes my mom was ‘’too old’’ which is a ridiculous argument because having kids in your 30s is NOT. OLD #like even outside of my opinion of our moms life. my sister is literally just wrong across the board because 30s is NORMAL #she frustrates me to no end because our ‘’differences of opinion’’ are actually REALLY big differences like. stop dehumanizing our mom….? #so truly. honestly. this is just a big push to ‘’not end up like’’ our mom so she’s getting married earlier and will have kids earlier #now in my own right i don’t want to ‘’end up like’’ my mom either — ie in a marriage that is unfulfilling with a man who bosses her around #but the difference between her opinion of ‘’not ending up’’ like her is she blame MOM for everything #meanwhile in MY example i blame my father for being a piece of shit to our mother and vowed i would never be in that situation myself period #but that’s not putting blame on my mother. that’s me seeing my mother as a VICTIM of injustice and misogyny #meanwhile my sister just sees my moms decisions as a ‘’problem’’ to be ‘’fixed’’ #meanwhile i am consistently reminding myself that while my mother loves her children very much… #she inherently had to LOSE herself in order to have us and fashion a new version of herself - the ‘’mom’’ version to replace her real self #my sister doesn’t care to talk to our mom about the intricacies that come with all of this. i do. quite often actually. #my moms rule was that she was not getting married before 30. period. #the first thing i said when my mom told me my sister was engaged was #‘’i don’t even believe someone should get married period. but especially not before 30’’ #she agreed. because she TAUGHT us that! she TAUGHT us the importance of finding yourself before anything else #but my sister in her race to ‘’not be like’’ our mom is missing out on turning into a wonderful person for it?

[gyuswhore]

How to Win Hearts for Dummies (the answer is lattes and banana bread)

Idol!mingyu x makeup-artist!reader

genre: fluff, angst, one sided pining

warnings: slow burn, swearing, shitty bosses, some descriptions of anxiety and breakdowns, one sided pining, reader has issues opening up (lmk if there's anything else)

13.4k words (im sorry)

plot: This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

masterlist

(A/N): repost bc Tumblr wouldn’t show it in the tags!!! Thank you for clicking on this clonking my pants as I hit post ! I started working on this at the beginning of exam season and I’m posting it the night before my last exam 🥲 what a full circle moment. Also pls excuse any inconsistencies or grammatical errors, my beta reader, unlike me, actually cares ab her grades and is in the beginning of exam season and therefore will not be able to read through this monstrosity for a while lmao. Enjoy hehe

Edit: I’ve just realised how many mistakes and grammatical errors I’ve made throughout the fic, serves me right for proofreading at 3 AM after a stats exam. I’ll try to fix them all asap!!! 

The camera goes off again with a distinct click. And again. And again. And again.

The camera had gone off innumerable times since Mingyu walked out in another themed ensemble, and you were there, watching, through all of it.

You watched as he kept switching positions, rotating his body and his head. Morphing his features into more variations of dazed and serious than you thought could ever exist.

Standing there, at the portable table behind the main setup, attempting to clean a lip brush that would be needed soon when the inevitable call for-

“Makeup over here! We’re taking 5”

You note your sluggish pace as you snap out of your daze and scrubbing harder with the removal cloth. Snapping your head down, hoping nobody noticed your incessant heart eyes, you realize you were in trouble now.

‘Y/n, you’ve been cleaning that brush since I left 10 minutes ago!’ The senior makeup artist snapped.

You finish up the brush in hand and quickly hand her what she needs, not before rummaging for the tiny pot of lip product you absent-mindedly packed away.

‘Sorry, really sorry’ you choke out before she leaves in her badly concealed irritated expression. You see her make a beeline for a waiting Mingyu, who adorably squats for the woman so she has better access.

This apprenticeship was taking a toll on your self control in the worst possible way. Walking in 8 months ago, a resignation from your corporate job and a dream in your pocket, you made an oath to stay focused on the goal at hand and to enjoy what you did for a living for once; makeup. Except, your still stuck as an apprentice with a mentor that has no inclination for your growth.

And you’re a little bit in love with your client.

It's not that you were overage (your mother begs to differ), but considering you were on your second big girl job and still no sign of a potential lover, the prospect was starting to weigh on your head. The first rattling experience was when one of your closest friends announced her engagement, your thoughts still stuck in a 19 year old you considered she was too young. She was not, in fact, 19, or too young, but a perfectly acceptable age to consider marriage with someone she loved, you had soon realized. You were never one for the dating scene, but you were always one to don your Dr. Love labcoat whenever an emotionally bruised friend would come seeking help. You were good at advice, but awfully bad at applying it yourself.

Coming into this job, surrounded by a plethora of beautiful people, your heart would be of stone if it weren’t to waver.

The gong of unattainability had struck the second you laid eyes on Mingyu, laughing at something Hoshi had shown him on the phone. There he was, hair and makeup-less, looking like he had just rolled out of bed (which he had), and beautiful as ever. Beginning this new chapter with a bang, only problem was that it turned into an 8 month shoot out. Having encountered a number of gorgeous people, you’d learned to appreciate their genetic lottery pull and move on. But never had a single look left you as breathless and unbeared as that one, fateful look at Mingyu. One of the team members was busy assuring you not to worry too much about the pandemonium in the dressing room, that everyone would handle it and you were only asked to observe and help with smaller things as instructed; for now. You weren’t listening too hard though.

You were now adjusted to the chaos that comeback season and 13 men plus staff in a microscopic dressing room brought about. But you will never forget how in the midst of your first rain of hell, Mingyu had asked you to pass his phone.

‘Please?’ He had said, and you slammed your hand with a force of a woman infatuated on the table behind you and (literally) breathed out the first thing you had ever said to him.

‘Here’

He smiled and gave you a quick ‘thanks’.

There was no coming back after he flashed you those irresistible canines, and to this day, you wonder what nation you saved in a previous life to be able to have him know your name, hear it roll off his tongue in his pretty voice as he asks you to fix his smudged eyeliner.

You sigh defeatedly before your mentor slash irritated makeup artist shoves her load back in your hands and instructs you to come inside to pack up. It’s become routine for you now, as you begin to pack up the bigger palettes and tools, handing a ready-to-go-home Junhui the pack of makeup wipes he asked for, zipping up bags and closing tubs of outfits. It's an organized chaos but one everybody has grown to work around.

Mingyu is done before you, as he removes his jewelry and begins to shrug off his jacket. You scramble to find the clothes he came in and his coat, pointedly ignoring the familiar scent of wood. He thanks you and shucks off the remainder of his clothing, he might be used to stripping in front of professional staff, but you look away regardless for your own sanity.

Helping the last stylists hang the final jacket, you grab your bag and get ready to leave in your own car. Mingyu has left, not before throwing a “you did well, thank you!” over his shoulder at the remaining people in the room and leaving for the honking car outside.

***

Your mashing bananas in a bowl at 12 AM when you start thinking. Impulsive baking sessions had become a norm since you started working with Seventeen, needing to keep yourself occupied to stop spiraling. Mingyu was a recurring topic (surprise surprise), but one that quickly faded when you begin to think about what the future holds for you. You start mashing the banana harder. You consider the idea that you can’t complain, being in a position some of the most well seasoned pros had difficulty reaching. Being a single young woman and being allowed so close to some of the most unattainable men was seen as near impossible. You’d like to think it was your skill that got you here but can never seem to fully rule out a processing error.

It’s hard, being stuck in the same place. Your apprenticeship should have ended 2 months ago, but even if it had, you’d still be doing the same thing. The senior artist trusts no-one but a select few to work on the boys for photoshoots, events, music videos. People like you are left to sanitize sponges and clean the fallout.

You crack an egg on the counter and it splits open entirely, falling on the floor, yolk and all. Your inability to grow stays within the idea that you can’t really do your artistry like you want.

And how you never learn to crack your eggs on the bowl.

***

Showing up on the Going Seventeen set, you rush to the dressing room way earlier than you should. Being completely honest, you’re really only rushing because you want to maneuvere yourself to do Mingyu’s makeup before somebody else snags him. This was one of the very few engagements where you were occasionally allowed to take charge on makeup. Not that it was required for the show much at all; intensity and occasion wise. Your rare (possible) moment to (maybe) come into Mingyu’s organic notice was an opportunity never to be dropped by you.

You help setting up everything on the counters as the boys begin to (loudly) file in the rooms. You see Mingyu walk in and move to ask him to sit down once he’s done discarding his coat. He was first in line and you ‘happened’ to be the first one ready to begin working.

‘Is the eye makeup heavy? I just got a sty removed and I don’t know if I should be putting anything on at all.’ He asks as he sits down and you ready your damp sponge.

‘Not really, just smoothing things out. It should be fine.’ you say as you begin to press the compact on his cheek.

Your not really sure why, because you’ve never been able to muster anything above brief replies when in contact with him, but something in you pushes you to keep talking.

‘I’m surprised they even asked for us, they rarely ever do’ you continue, heart pounding so hard you’re afraid he might hear it.

He breathes out a laugh ‘Yeah. They even started advertising the show on youtube and subway stations and stuff, I didn’t know until I saw someone talk about it online’

You smile at his response ‘Well, all of you work so hard, it's about time they pull this to a high scale production’

‘It's never really work if your having fun, we try to be ourselves on here’ He replies, still smiling slightly.

You’re damn near close to collapsing on the floor at this point. This is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with him. You opt to smile in response as you start to concentrate on his eyebrows. The rest of his face is done far too soon as you zone out and do what you do best.

‘All done’ you announce as you pull away from his lips, trying not to have yoour gaze linger.

“Y/n! Can you start on Vernon if you're done?’, another artist calls from behind.

‘Yeah, he can come up!’ you reply as Mingyu (regretfully) walks towards hair.

Just because you sew your mouth shut with Mingyu doesn’t mean it applies for the rest of them, you’re quite friendly with all of them and Vernon does well to remind you as he sits down and quips a ‘hey bestieee’ in an elongated greeting.

You audibly laugh ‘That’s another word I’ll be hearing for the next month’

‘Regretfully so’ He feigns sympathy.

‘Be quiet and look up’ you say with a fond smile before you get started on him.

***

You sit on the floor in front of your television, trail mix on the coffee table as the movie plays as background noise for your thoughts - again.

There’s a smile on your face, but you dont notice as you think about the small talk you made with Mingyu today, wondering if it could become a regular occurrence if you learned to keep your heart and mind in check.  

You were never one to stand up and take effort to do what was right for you, which is why you were talked into choosing Business Administration by your friend in highschool, who you never speak to now because she decided to ditch you for another group who were more inclined to shuttle themselves to liver failure by partying every last weekend in your entire college career. You were talked into applying to corporate jobs by your counsellors as you started looking for make-up courses, needing to abandon your dream for the second time when you landed a decent entry level desk job. It took years before you decided to choose yourself for once and made the big leap after multiple courses you had took on the side. Life was starting to look bright after getting hired here, but you’re not sure if you overrode a high or if you went back to your old zipped mouth state after you settled in. Never sure if you expected too much or if things really were as stagnant as they felt.

***

Overmanifestation can be a thing. You're not really sure how it works but you’re reaping what you’ve sowed right about now.

You’re currently standing in an offside corridor in a hotel lobby, clad in a pretty white floral dress, and a nervous, fidgety Mingyu standing in front of you.

'I know I'm asking you to do something difficult and I know it seems pointless because I'm not doing anything wrong either that you have to lie about it'

This was supposed to be a staycation with your friends for you to relax and get your mind off things. Your ticket to relaxation has become a nightmare.

'And I understand I'm being super unreasonable but I'm really trying to keep it on the down-low as we get to know each other'

You were waiting with your friends on the couches positively stuffing your faces with the complimentary chocolate bowl placed on the coffee table as a couple other friends checked you guys into your rooms. You were laughing and talking with your group, carefree and ready to have a week of well deserved rest.

That was the plan anyway. Until you see someone across the lobby, also in line at check in. He had an unmistakable toothy smile,and was hand in hand with a concealed brunette.

Your smile abruptly falls in disbelief as you feel your world halt around you.

The same hands come up to brush the hair out of the woman's face to place a kiss on her temple, smiling wide.

The nauseating feeling of ice going down your spine is becoming more and more apparent. You attempt to swallow the lump in your throat but it's like trying to swallow a brick. You lick your lips and attempt to look away but your eyes keep feeding on the picture you painted yourself in your worst nightmares. Realizing you're on the brink of possible hyperventilation, your friend drops her head and asks you if you're okay. You look up at her, not knowing what to say as you realize that nodding furiously will convince her.

Mingyu has a girlfriend.

Of course he would. What were you thinking? This man is one of the most eligible bachelors in the country, why on earth would he be single? You’re unhinged, you decide, for thinking you may have a chance, when the woman turns around and you see her in full. She’s gorgeous.

A part of you still wants to believe that you're officially past the point of sanity and that you've begun to see Mingyu in every tall man. The universe, however, is cruel. He pushes his head up and in your general direction, and locks eyes with you in unmistakable recognition.

He stops smiling.

So here you are listening to Mingyu asking you to keep this a secret from the company, to forget the woman waiting for him in the lobby.

You can only nod in slight motions as he goes on his rant to justify his oath to secrecy, managing a tight lipped smile as you miraculously find your voice, hoarse as it may be.

'Don't worry about it, I understand' - ouch - 'it's none of my business anyway. I'll keep my lips sealed, I promise'

'Thank you, thank you, thank you I appreciate it so much, you don't even know. I'll repay you soon I promise'

'No, please, it's not-'

'No, Y/n I will. You're being really good to me right now and I'm so grateful. I'm sorry for putting you through this while you're off from work and with friends. It's worth to me that your listening and understanding'

You're tired. You want nothing but for him to stop talking. So you smile again and shake your head.

'I'm sure your friends are waiting, I won't keep you. I'll see you soon though!'

And with that he leaves. Back to the lobby where you see him take the woman by hand once again. You watch again as they walk to the elevators, stepping in and disappearing when the doors close. You watch the floor number rise.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

You walk back to your laughing friends before you can see where they got off.

***

Retiring to your shared hotel room with Chaeyoung, you fall back first into the crisp sheets and mattress.

'Why're you so depressed dude, did Mingyu say something to you?' She asks, a slight line forming between her brows.

'I'm fine, I've been up since 5 today it's just fatigue hitting me right now' you reassure, like always. 'I might not go to dinner with you guys, might end up with my face in the soup at some point'

Chaeyoung hums. ‘Take the night off so you can gear up for the rest of the week. I'm letting you off for now but I expect full attendance for eveything else we do', finishing with a mocking stern look.

'Yes ma'am' you feign salute from the bed, mimicking her stern tone.

You've known Chaeyoung for quite a while now, meeting her in your last year of uni. Trusting her as you do, you were never fully able to fess up about your feelings for Mingyu. Fear of judgment wasn't the problem, but more so the strange feeling of shame that overcomes you when you think about talking about it with other people. It's quite beyond you, why you act this way. You loved your friends and you knew they would support you with everything, they'd proved it when you'd made one of the most difficult decisions of your life while leaving your job. But the idea of having the audacity to love someone who could never do the same seemed like a feat of embarrassment.

Who are you, y/n? Who are you to have foolish dreams of a girl in love? With someone clearly fit for all things greater than you?

Maybe this was a good thing, you thought, the weird feeling in your stomach returning. Maybe this was the universe telling you to give up and move on, a kind of rejection that keeps your dignity. This was nothing but a reality check, a sign from whatever wants best for you, to bring your attention back to what brought you to Mingyu in the first place.

***

You didn’t see Mingyu for the rest of the trip, which you were grateful for not knowing how you’d react if you had to see him so soon after, that.

Back massaged and head clearer than it had been for weeks, you feel more in control of your feelings and thoughts regarding your life. You hope the conversation with Mingyu was the last stressful thing you’d encounter for a while.

It’s almost comeback season, you realise as you see the new concept photos while scrolling on your couch at home. This meant insanely early mornings for weeks on end, but you had to push through for your own sake. You’d come out of multiple comebacks needing a brace for a month but you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Never realising the true meaning of learning through experience, you were enlightened as you entered this new, very hands on field. The concept looked interesting, hoping the scraps of makeup you’d be allowed to do would be fun for you.

That ended up being true when you were, for the first time, asked to do Hoshi’s full makeup for their first comeback broadcast.

Your stumped silence was short lived as you hastily oblige and get the chair ready for him. You’d looked at the demo sheets and face charts too much for someone who wasn’t actually going to be asked to do much, but you see it pay off as you finish his eyes and get started on the rest of his face. It was easy for you to zone out as Soonyoung had passed out not even 5 minutes in, having someone hold his face as you worked.

You felt your chest swell with an indesipherable feeling as you watched him get up with your mastery on his face; pride, was it? You were getting emotional for no reason. Your attention, however, is moved sharply when you hear someone tell Mingyu it was his turn, finding him plopped on your chair staring straight into nothingness as he’d just been rudely awoken from his nap. He doesn’t realise it’s you for a solid minute as he tried to remember his own name.

‘Oh, hello’ he says, sort of confused. ‘Sorry, just give me minute’, he mumbles as he rubs his eyes.

He stretches back onto his seat signalling he’s ready for you to get started. You trying not to feel too much in your stomach as you begin.

You’re powdering his forehead when he says “I know I already said this but I really appreciate what you’re doing”

You know he’s talking about the conversation at the hotel, you were hoping you could avoid it.

“I told you not to worry about it, honest.” You reply, and somehow manage to choke out “It makes me happy that you’re happy”

You can see him trying to fight a smile, “Thank you for saying that”.

You wanted to stab someone. But you opt for gently brushing a base colour across his eyes.

“Do any of us know her, by any chance?” You ask cautiously.

“I dont think so. We met through mutual friends at a Christmas dinner, we didn’t start talking till she had to bring me a bunch of papers I’d left at my mom’s that day.” his face depicts someone reminiscing a fond memory.

It was cute, how it seemed like fate was trying to bring them together. It would've been cuter if you weren’t in a one sided pining with one of the two lovers.

“Well, I hope it works out for the both of you”

No you don’t.

“I hope so too”

You don’t hope that at all.

You felt guilty, feeling all of this. Hated that this was your first response to him wanting to be happy. Never would you have imagined stooping this low, hoping his happiness doesn’t work out for your sake. You’d like to owe it this being your first real infatuation, but you can’t help but wonder if this was really what you thought.

You decided to focus on the good news for today, that you’re finally allowed to do your actual job. You can only hope this wasn’t a temporary advancement, allowing time to tell.

Things remained the same the following day, much to your absolute elation. You were done doing 4 people’s makeup and was just winding down to take a break, quite satisfied with yourself. You observed as the rest of the boys got their hair done and run around, half in their outfits. You stifle a snort as you watch Jeonghan hide Minghao’s socks in his pockets as the boy tried to find them to put his shoes on, the former continuing to sip on his coffee seemingly unaware.

“Y/n, have you seen my socks? The green ones with the leaves on it?” Hao inevitable asks you.

You’re forced to feign confusion when Jeonghan pokes his head behind him signalling you to keep up the charade. He continues to look and you’re just about to have mercy on the poor boy before a to-go cup of coffee is shoved in front of your face.

You look up at the person and it’s Mingyu extending his arm at you expectantly.

“Oh, I didn’t order anything” you start, thinking you’re clearing up a confusion.

“I know you didn’t, got one for you anyway.”

There’s a record screech in your brain as you absorb his words.

“Think of it as me trying to repay the favour”

Oh. I see.

You’re a little embarrassed thinking he’d get one for you in that way, not when he had someone waiting on him. You accept the cup and mumble a thank you as he unexpectedly plants himself on the couch next to you.

“I saw you drinking lattes a lot of the times, so I just got you that. Hope that’s okay”.

Your silent for a moment before replying “Yes!” a little bit too loudly, eyes widening a little realisng your lack of volume control.

He knows your coffee order.

“Yes,” you say again in a normal tone and a slight laugh to cover up your inability to read the room, “They’re my favourite actually”

Kim Mingyu knows you like latte’s. This wasn’t good for your delusional brain.

Your conversation is cut short when the boys are called for roll call before they can prepare for the actual stage. You watch him get up and leave to file into the overstuffed elevators, not before he throws you the most adorable wave you’ve ever seen. You can’t hold back your smile as you wave back and look down at the drink he got you before taking a sip.

***

As it turns out, you did makeup for the rest of their comeback season, and Mingyu, without fail, got you an iced latte every single day before leaving to go on stage.

You tried to get him to stop, but he was rooted in his position and you didn’t have it in you to say no to his pleading eyes. It was a re-charge for you, when you’d seen him break into a happy smile, prominent canines that you’d grown to adore. He’d done more than enough to ‘repay’ you for swearing to secrecy, and you felt like you too, should  should repay him the balance.

So here you were, making banana bread in your kitchen again, careful to remember to crack your eggs on the rim of your mixing bowl instead of slamming them on the counter. You’re stirring the flour in when a classified devious thought occurs to you.

These past two weeks were pivotal for both you and Mingyu, daily coffee’s meant daily conversations, which meant getting to know one another more. You’d exchanged phone numbers in the midst of all of this, to which ensued the agenda of staying up till midnight talking to each other about the meaning of life.

Setting down the whisk, you pick up your phone and sent the text before you chickened out.

[You]: I have a surprise for you.

[You]: You wanna come over? It’s better enjoyed fresh lol

[Mingyu]: Ma’am? 👁👁

[Mingyu]: That sounds a whole lot like a booty call

[You]: *attachment*

[Mingyu]: IS THAT CAKE??

[Mingyu]: omw 😮‍💨

You send the location and set your phone down, a jittery feeling going through your entire body. There’s a spring in your step as you slide the loaf into the oven and set a timer. You turn around your kitchen island and register the pigsty that is your apartment. The girls were over the night before and you had done nothing to enlighten the aftermath, pillows strewn across the entire living room and snack wrappers in places you’re not sure how they landed.

By the time you’re done and spritzed the place with some of your nicer perfumes, your taking the loaf out of the oven and on a rack to cool.

Ever the punctual man, you hear the doorbell ring just as your taking your oven mitts off.

Hoping you’ve done enough to your apartment to save yourself from embarrassment, you collect yourself and open the door for him through your ringcam. He’s barely through when your rushing towards your doorway.

“Hi!”

“Hey,” he grunts as he tries to slip off his shoes.

“‘aight, where’s my cake?” he demands once he’s done giving you a quick hug.

You roll your eyes and usher him to the kitchen, “First of all, appreciate how excited you are to see me, and second, its banana bread not cake, sorry to burst your bubble”

He responds to your grumbling with an “Oh come on, you can't put freshly baked goods on the agenda and expect me to pay particular attention to anything else”.

He has his trademarked grin and cheesy stare out on display like its nobody’s business, you want to slap it off of him in the most loving way possible, but you settle with a tiny “shut up”.

“I brought warm coffee this time, thought it’d go better” He sets the to-go carrier on the kitchen counter, following you to where you were attempting to slice the still hot banana bread on a tray.

“Oh, that was a good idea” you say.

“Where’re your plates and forks?” he asks, pulling out the drawers and cabinets you signal to.

It all felt too domestic for your weak heart to handle. Not to say it didn’t warm you to the core how comfortable he felt in your space, you did, more than you’d care to admit. But he needed to tone it down before you required an organ transplant.

You were seated on the floor, butts parked on floor cushions, backs against the couch. The coffee table held all of your goods while you both argued on which movie to watch.

“I can’t believe you haven’t watched any of the Harry Potter movies! No, we’re watching philosopher’s stone, I don’t care!” You shout in disbelief, already typing it into the search bar on the TV.

“Philly-philo- bro I can’t even pronounce it why would I watch that?!” He yells back, snatching the remote from you.

You’re both a giggling, screaming mess on the floor as you keep trying to steal the remote from each other, not stopping until one of you bumps into the table and you almost spill hot coffee all over yourselves.

You decide to call a truce and pick another movie entirely.

Just as you’re pressing play, Mingyu takes a bite of the still (surprisingly) warm banana bread and you watch as his eyes roll to the back of his head.

“This is so good” He says, his faced furrowed as he goes in for another bite. “Did you lace this with something, why is this so good?”

You’re biting back a snarky remark but you let it rip anyway; “It’s cuz these pretty hands made it”

You splay your hands out in front of your face, like your showing him your rings, fingers wiggling and a cheeky smile on your face.

He looks unimpressed as he scoffs. He swallows before saying: “At least you didn’t call the secret ingredient love or something”

“Excuse you, I’m pretty sure I heard you say that in some Gose episode” You remark.

He turns to you, all smug: “So your saying you watch Gose? Like, regularly?”

You immediately turn away from his taunting smirk, “Sometimes, if it shows up on my home page”

You take a sip of your latte before he asks you another sweat producing question.

“Oh, but you pay attention to me the most don’t you? Don’t you?”

He’s poking fun at you, you know that. But a paranoid part of you can’t help but think he’s onto you and your feelings.

So you say something maybe a little bit below the belt.

“You sure have a knack for seeking validation from the world when you have a partner already giving that to you”

The words tumble out of your mouth before you know it. In your defence, you're doing this for a greater cause, but it's still a relief when you see him comically gasp, hand to his diaphragm.

“Just because your alone in life, doesn’t mean you need to be salty about other people receiving actual love” He spits back.

Your sputtering trying to think of a response. Deserved.

He grabs a slice of the bread and shoves into your mouth to shut you up once and for all. You’re left chewing the mouthful and staring at him in shock.

He giggles and takes a sip of coffee, satisfied with himself. When he sets it down he opens his mouth to speak. Closes it again, like he re-evaluating, and finally decides to say something. He’s serious now.

“Ji Eun and I, decided it wasn’t gonna work out between us”.

Oh.

“Oh.”

He blows a raspberry and lets out a meek laugh.

“Yeah, oh. It’s whatever, it wasn’t meant to work out. Better sooner than later.”

You’re trying to find the words to reply or comfort him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask him, being careful to not lace your voice with pity, but more neutral and open. “You don’t have to, obviously, but it might be better to talk about what’s bothering you”

He pauses for a moment before starting.

“She wasn’t sitting very well with the idea that she had to share me. Like at all. She wouldn’t say it but she’d get mildly infuriated when I’d blow the fans a kiss or something, or interacted with the staff too much. I was getting home quite late certain days during comeback season and I’d find her outside the dorm at like 11 PM. It was embarrassing when all of the other members would see her there, obviously upset and basically yelling at me for, for - for literally just doing my job.I guess all the smaller things just started piling and she couldn’t take it. I tried so hard to make sure she felt wanted and secure in the relationship but nothing felt like it was ever enough. She was evasive or confrontational all at the wrong times and it came to a point- its a horrible thought to have in a relationship - but I was terrified she’d do something rash and I’d wake up to my face on articles for some reason - again”

You recollected the past couple years when Mingyu was thrown around in the media for a new accusation seemingly everyday. You weren’t involved with anything regarding the industry back then, but you’d heard enough news to be aware of what was happening.

Your heart swelled with sadness as you heard him talk, he sounded like he was trying- trying hard to be good enough. All for a person who seemed to have their priorities set somewhere else.

“She was amazing; kind and happy and confident. She treated my parents with respect, she was best friends with my sister. I know we only lasted like 3 months but at some point I really considered that she could be the one. But then the problems started and I realized she was only becoming an added factor to stress and anxiety for me more than anything else.

“I liked her because she was so family oriented, and I thought that was what would fit me because I’m like that too. But, I guess I’m just a different kind of oriented? I don’t know. I have a job that’s both interpersonal and unpredictable. There’s days where I don’t wanna get up and do work but I still love it nonetheless. I guess she just expected me to have a predictable, stable 9 to 5. Home in time for dinner, not requiring interaction with too many people; basically everything I can’t be.”

He’s silent for a moment.

You start talking after a couple beats.

“I really hope you aren’t taking this like it’s your fault. She made a choice to put up with your work, knowing how it would be for the both you. You tried your best but she made you feel like your best wasn’t good enough. I dunno about you, but that sounds like a really problematic conclusion. If she truly cared for you and what you love, she would never have been this unsupportive or not understanding”.

He’s listening to you, his expression is blank but you can tell he’s absorbing your words.

“I’d like to think I had realized that. But being completely honest, I’m not really sure when my thoughts go back to me thinking I’m the problem all the time.”

He manages a smile, a wide one, as he looks up to make eye contact with you; “But I know it’ll take me some time to really start believing that it’s not entirely my fault. We just weren’t compatible, and that’s fine. We left on good terms, and I’m happy about that.”

You smile with him as he finishes, but your a little confused when he starts sliding closer and down the cushions.

He sets his head on your shoulder.

You may have shortcircuited right then and there.

“Is this okay?” he asks you quietly, attention finally diverted to the half played movie.

You realise he asked you a question and you have to answer.

“Yeah, this is fine” You breathe out, somehow, by the graces of God himself.

No, you weren’t fine at all. You felt like the universe had flipped a faulty switch, mixed up the scripts, lost the plot, something. But as you get used to the weight of Mingyu’s head on your shoulder, you pray it won’t come back to haunt you in another chapter.

***

Your routine became inverted in the sense that, what you once had to plan out so intricately, is unfolding with no effort from you at all.

You find that Mingyu waits for you to be done with somebody else so you can do his makeup, instead of sitting on another free chair. He’d come to you specifically to touch up his makeup instead of going to an artist he saw closer to him. He never forgot to get you a coffee whenever it was that he saw you.

Mingyu hadn’t slept over that night, instead leaving in his car despite the 1 AM drizzle and your insistence for him to stay until the pour recedes.

Maybe it was better for you that he hadn’t stayed that night. Something about how you grew so close ‘organically’ made you feel like this wasn’t all in your head, that he’s choosing to be your friend.

You’re handing him his clothes as he begins to change, using the excuse to whisper to him;

“I was gonna try a new brownie recipe tonight, if you’re free you can come over?”

“I think I have somewhere to be after this but I’m free after, How’s 6?”

So there you are, back in your kitchen folding chocolate chunks into your brownie batter while waiting for Mingyu to get here.

Your phone dings from the island and you check to see a message from Mingyu sending you what looked like a grocery list; pasta, oregano, garlic…

[Mingyu]: Tell me what you don’t have from this

[Mingyu]: I’m at the store rn hurry up

You send him a list of what you don’t have, realising he intended to have dinner with you too.

[Mingyu]: k thanks

[Mingyu]: be there in like an hour

There’s a warm feeling that’s swelling in your chest, that makes you wanna punch a wall because your so happy. You choose self control, mostly because this apartment is on a lease but also you’d probably break your knuckles trying to punch anything harder than a foam mat.

By the time Mingyu’s here, the brownies are in the oven and you’re almost done with the icing. He unpacks the groceries (and the warm lattes) he bought while you finish up, confirming that he was trying a new pasta recipe tonight. Setting the brownies and coffee down on your usual coffee table, you decide wait a couple hours before starting on making dinner, instead choosing to hear him ramble about an idol he met at an award show.

“So, we start talking before we’re ready to go up- you weren’t there you were working on wonwoo’s makeup- and he starts complimenting me and so obviously I start complimenting him back”

He’s waving his arms around, and setting positions with coasters on the table trying to explain the setting.

“He asks me if I have a sister and I’m like… yes? Which I should’ve realised where this was going because he then” - he pauses to take a deep breath - “this absolute asshat decides it’d be funny to ask me for her number because apparently ‘if you’re this hot, I’m sure any sibling you have is too’ BRO, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY THAT - how are laughing at this?!”

You calm yourself down for a second to clarify, “NO! It’s just hilarious how he thought that was okay to say”

You’re still still giggling in shock when Mingyu calms down, now also laughing incredulously.

“But actually though, please tell me you smacked him” you manage.

“I would have,” he grumbles “I got called to fix my hair cuz I ruined it or something”.

“Oh well, now you know who to avoid next time,” you say as you guide a bite of brownie into his mouth, “Forget about it now, eat sugar, it’ll help”

He chews a bit before swallowing, all while you’re watching him with an endeared smile on your face.

“Y’know, I really thought you didn’t like me when you first joined the team”

You pause mid sip of your coffee, brows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“You never really talked me, did you? You were friendly with the rest of them but it just seemed like you never wanted to enter a room if you saw me there”

You’re looking at him in utter shock, this man was mistaking your avoidant (yet also pushy) teenage crush behaviour for dislike.

He’s looking at you expectantly, a little pout on his face.

“I never disliked you, why would you think that? I promise everything was a coincidence, it was nothing like that”

“Don’t get so defensive, kinda obvious you like me now if not before” He laughs at your panicked expression.

He meant platonic like.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that though, I’ve been told I have a pretty serious resting bitch face, it’s gotten me in trouble before” she smile sheepishly.

“It’s fine, you made up for it with that first banana bread” He says before taking another bite of brownie, “Could use more chocolate chunks”

You snort before pushing him with a sock clad foot, “Appreciate me even giving them to you” 

You fall back to the adjacent sofa.

It’s quiet for a moment. But you feel like something’s shifted in the air.

You watch as he brings his hand to the same foot, holding onto your ankles. He’s caressing the exposed skin with his fingers, moving them back and forth. His eyes are glued to yours, looking like he’s in a trance. You’re not sure how to register this new change in mood, suddenly feeling like you need to turn the aircon on during the bleak Seoul winter. Just as you're hoping you don’t start sweating, you feel his vice grip on your ankle pull your leg over with a sharp tug. You scream as you lose support of the sofa and fall back.

You sit up in shock to find him leaning with his elbows on the floor, cackling like madman.

“Mingyu, what the fuck?”

“You-” He stops to laugh again, “You should’ve seen your face, PLEASE, it was hilarious”.

You huff before getting up shoving his shoulder with your foot again, “You’ve been playing guest a little too long, maybe it’s time you get started on that pasta”

“Will I be blessed enough to be receiving her highness’s help?” He asks.

He looks like a dream, clad in his T-shirt because he claims he doesn’t get cold. Hands behind him on the floor to give him support as he stares up at you, smiling wide. He’s looking at you with eyes full of stars and glitter.

You muster up the courage to give him a nasty glare, to which he huffs at and gets up, “Such a meanie”.

It’s hard to conceal your smile as his back his turned, sachaying towards the kitchen. You want to slap him and kiss him at the same time.

Your washing veggies in the sink when you turn around catch sight of his back as he stood at the kitchen island, sorting the rest of the ingredients. You get the same overwhelming feeling in your chest again, assuming you’re deluding yourself into thinking this is what life could be like with him. In less than 3 seconds, you’ve conjured a timeline of domestic routines, to wind down with him like this every evening.

You’re still lost in thought, still incessantly staring when he turns around and catches you in the act. He does the rude thing and snaps his fingers in front of your face to pull you out of your thoughts, “You okay?”

“Yeah” You say trying to gloss it over while busying yourself trying to find your cutting board.

“Are you sure? Do you wanna sit down at the island and watch me instead. You don’t have to help -”

“Pick a knife, and shut up dingus, it’s fine”

Once your both done eating and cleaning up, Mingyu hugs you goodbye, not before asking if you’d be free for lunch next week before he got busy the following month. You quickly agree, setting a date and time, bidding your (reluctant) farewells.

***

Once back in your apartment you realize how you can’t clean up to distract yourself because Mingyu took it upon himself to clear the space with you before he left. You sigh loudly and retire into your bedroom where you don’t have to think about how empty your living room is.

Changing into your pajamas and putting a headband on, you don’t even feel like turning your music on to do your night routine. You double cleanse, tone, serum, acid and moisturise your face with added purposefulness, taking note of the crevices of your nose and the neglected bottom of your chin. Taking extra time to make sure all of the foam is out of your skin before drying your face with a tissue.

You look at your fed skin in the mirror, and feel a weird surge of tears well in your eyes. Before they can fall you slam your bathroom cabinet to busy yourself to find your melatonin gummies, shoving them in your mouth before switching off the bathroom light and retiring to your bedroom.

Slipping the headband off and sliding into bed, you’re still chewing your gummies to a paste in your mouth. Trying not to notice how heavy you’re breathing you try to find your white noise machine, the one you found advertised for infants, and turn it on before grabbing your book to read for a few extra minutes.

Your staring at the pages like you found them to be blank. You’re phone dings next to you, signalling a notification.

Picking it up you find your mental health app sending you a daily reminder.

You’re allowed to feel your emotions.

***

Winter had run its course as you find yourself in April. You never really liked the cold, having been more sensitive to a gust of wind than the average joe, you were better suited to sitting with an aircon instead of being unable to move in the middle of Korea’s January cold rush. But alas, the cherries are blossoming and your fingers have defrosted.

That isn’t what’s on your mind right now though, as you’re standing in a Sephora, arms crossed and shoulders tense. You loved shopping for makeup, but you mostly chose to do it online unless you really had to otherwise. Parking yourself in the perfume section with the scents mixing together a cocktail of nosehair doom, you really wish you’d worn a face mask. Not to mention the migraine inducing coloured lights and mainstream pop playing in the background (you swear they’ve been playing Side to Side by Ariana Grande on loop since you got here).

These were all, however, peripheral observations for you, as you stare in absolute pneumonic shock at the number written on the price tag of the perfume you’re looking at.

Now, Mingyu is a man of class, high maintenance if you will. You’re well aware he likes to spoil himself, because he has a bank account to back it up.

Your bank account is definitely full and secure, but not enough for you to justify dropping what seems like half of its contents to something only one of the five senses can experience.

Mingyu mentioned in passing how he wanted this perfume a while ago, and knowing that he hadn’t ordered it for himself just yet, you decide to be the amazing friend that you are and surprise him for his birthday.

You may be regretting that right now, but you tentatively pick up the blue, crystalline bottle and spritz a bit on a paper strip before taking a whiff. It smelled good, that’s for sure, and it suited him too. So when the saleslady came to offer assistance, after you excused the last three, you decide you’re going to do this for him.

“Yes, could I have this in the box please?”

Walking back to your car you feel a bount of jitter run through you,

Oh, he’s gonna freak out when he sees this.

He did, in fact, freak when he saw it, and his reaction made you want to give him all of the good things in the world if you could see him like this all the time.

He’s smiling ear to ear and speaking in that high pitched voice that he gets when he’s excited. He’s thanking you over and over again, smoothing the box over in his hands repeatedly, looking at the ‘from: y/n :p’ with hearts in his eyes.

“I’m gonna save this for the rest of my life” he says, with determination and a goofy grin.

You snort at the declaration, “Sure, bud”

“I’m serious. What, you wanna bet?” he replies, taking a sip of his, latte, which you proudly credit yourself for swerving him over from Americano’s.

He insisted on going out to eat at this fancy French place a day before his actual birthday as he’d be busy on the day of, but it was risky for him to be seen eating out alone with a young woman at such a fancy place. You settled for a nicer traditional Korean restaurant, that allowed you to book a room away from possible prying eyes and one that you were both comfortable with. You decided to wait till you were back in the car with your post dinner coffee’s to give him his present.

“I’m giving you 3 months before that bottle’s dry to the dregs” You affirmed, “You smell like you empty half a bottle of something off your dresser everyday anyways”

You said it as an insult, but jokes on you because you loved the way he smelled.

“Fine, I’m gonna use this so carefully I’m not replacing it for at least a year”

“A year? What happened to the rest of your life?” you refute.

“I have you for that, don’t I”

What the fuckity fuck.

He’d turned to you, leaning on the headrest, that signature cheesy look; like he was in love or something. Voice dropping a couple octaves as he said it, laced with something defined and strong - enough for it to feel like the weight of an elephant had dropped on your chest.

You gather yourself after looking at him for a couple seconds, jaw unhinged and forgotten on the floor of his car. You chose to grab your cardigan that was neatly folded on the dash, and astral project it to his face across the seat. He’s laughing so hard there’s tears glistening in the corner of his eyes. He falls forward and you see strands of his hair fall to his face, he’d been growing them out.

“Shut up” you grumble in your seat, annoyed at how easy it was for him to send your heart through and beyond your chest.

He’s still giggling like a school girl, and you cave and give him a hint of a smile.

“There it iiiis” He announces, grabbing your face and smushing your cheeks together.

For a moment, he stops to look at you like this, like he’s contemplating. For one, brain rattling, organ exploding, microsecond, you think he might even kiss you.

Instead, he headbutts you slightly rubbing his head swiftly before letting go.

“I might need to wash my hands, I think I got your makeup on me” He mumbles, looking at his hands like a child with mud soaked palms.

“Serves you right, you buffoon,” You remark as you pull out your trusty travel pack of makeup wipes.

Yanking one out of the tab, you pull his hand over and try to wipe the remnants of foundation off, starting from the heel up to each individual finger. It’s silent as you concentrate on getting it all off both hands, he was wearing black tonight and knowing him he’d rub his hand over his pants and get beige foundation all over. You knew because you’d seen him do it one too many times.

“All done” you quip, looking up and catching his stare. He’s smooth to slowly look away and retract his open hands from your lap about 5 seconds after it became noticeable.

You busy yourself by attempting to stash away the wipes to throw out later, closing the pack of wipes and shoving them back into your bag.

He’s watching you do all of this, his stare is burning holes into the side of your head. He’s desperate to say something, but you’re not sure if you want to hear.

“Let’s go back to my place. We’ll stick a candle into a sheet brownie and call it your birthday cake. Oh, we can pick up ice cream too!”, You say, costuming your voice to sound unaffected by his vibe.

And so you did stick a candle in the fresh batch of brownies you both made at 11PM, two hours before his actual birthday. Sitting across from each other on the counter, Mingyu has his eyes closed shut, hands clasped, wearing a ridiculously coloured ‘BIRTHDAY BOY’ headband you found somewhere deep in your drawers.

“You’re gonna get wax on the brownies and they're gonna be inedible, hurry up” You groan, after everytime it seems like he’s done, he clenches his eyes shut again as he remembers another thing he has to wish for.

You’re not actually annoyed, he looks the cutest he’s ever looked, but you would appreciate non waxed brownies.

When he’s finally done, he blows out the singular candle and you clap lightly, “yay!”

You’re pulling out the candle and grabbing forks, dumping a couple scoops of ice cream on before you two start eating straight out of the pan.

Its a collection of groans as you both collapse on your couch, regretting eating all that so soon after dinner. He changed out of his dinner outfit to a T-shirt and pajama pants, he’d started keeping a set of clothes in his car when it started to become routine for him to spend regular  evenings after work at your place.

You’re in your own unicorn pajama’s, slumped over on the arm rest slightly. You feel Mingyu scooch over to put his head in your lap, claiming he was “closing his eyes for a minute”.

You knew how lightning fast he passes out, so not even 5 minutes later you start to hear his light snores. As much as you want to wake him up to move him to the bed, you know he can’t stay the night. His birthday meant he had to be with the boys, and needing to head out early tomorrow.

So you give him 10 more minutes, fingers tracing the shape of his features, in his soft hair massaging his head with your nails slightly. He had a little pout on his face as he slept. Things had been hectic for him lately, having a comeback later in the month and the plethora of music and variety shows to follow.

Mingyu had been writing lyrics on the kitchen island one day, sputtering random words as you quipped in rhymes of your own without context, stirring the pot of soup on the hob at the same time.  

One particular rhyme you spew out catches him off guard and he barks out a laugh at the ridiculous combination.

“I should put you on song credits for this”

“What do you think my producer name could be?”

He thinks for a second, “Banana bread sounds stupid, um, how’s brownie?”

“Cute, and serious enough” you agree, “I’ll be expecting to see my name on that album, sir”

Snapping out of your thoughts, you turn your attention back to the sleeping man curled up in your lap. You wonder if you could fall asleep on the couch too, keep him here with you for the night. Be a little selfish. It’d be nice, making waffles for breakfast when morning comes. But he needed to be at the dorm in the morning, the boys knew where he was but managers that’d come pouring in at 7 AM sharp, did not. And it was best kept that way. The last thing Mingyu wanted, you knew, was people getting the wrong idea. The thought stung a little bit, but you knew not to mix your hopes with what reality was giving you.

So you gather the courage to slowly reign him back from dreamland.

***

Your sitting with Mingyu and Seungkwan on the couches outside the dressing rooms, a little bit before they have to go to perform. You were done with your agenda and was waiting for them to start filing out before beginning to pack up.

“No, because why does he get to eat all the good stuff right out the oven and we don’t, that’s not fair” Seungkwan complained loudy to you, a mildly offended look on his face.

“Stop being such a complain bot, you’re never happy if I have nice things” Mingyu retorts, increasingly nasty looks being exchanged for an argument about freshly baked goods.

“Oh, I’m the hater?! Let me jog your memory, who was the one sulking and shoving me around when Y/n wouldn’t let you-”

Mingyu had jumped up and pulled Seungkwan into a headlock, his poor Americano half flying across the hall as he yells out in disarray.

“YAH!” cued with more noises of struggle and muffled threats.

You chose to embrace the violence by sitting in your seat and laughing as Vernon recorded their antics from the doorway inside eventually circing them for his supposed cinematic effect, catered for the inevitable weverse post that was to come.

Cut to them apologizing and cleaning up the mess of coffee and disregard.

You decide to be nice and attempt to make peace by reassuring Seungkwan, “Come over after you’re done promoting this week, I’ll make up for all the bread and cookies you missed out on”

“If you've finished with your escort duties Y/n, could you please come in and do your day job?”

The voice came from the doorway of the dressing room, your senior makeup artist standing there with her usual mildly inconvenienced expression. It took you a minute to fully understand what she meant by that sentence, your body completely still.

“Offended? What, like I’m wrong?”

You were no stranger to insulting behaviour in work places, but they’d always been revolving around your actual job description. People who didn’t like you knew they had to be smart on how they treated you regardles.

This was different. This felt like you were projected back in time to your solemn middle school days to mean girls taunting you about your spongebob socks, except multiply that by about a thousand.

You feel your stomach begin to churn as that nauseous feeling of shame began to settle itself into your veins.

You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting there but when she slightly raises her voice; “Are you getting up or not?” your hands actively begin to tremble the slightest amount.

You’re making moves to get up by puting your coffee cup down, not knowing what to do except follow commands.

Your interrupted by a voice from behind; “She’s coming in, give us a minute”

Mingyu’s standing there, his expression stoic as Seungkwan and Vernon looked as stunned as you felt. You don’t register it in the moment, but the people in the hall, venue staff and those for other artists have also silenced, watching the scene unfold.

Her lips are in a tight line, her expression remaining irritated as she steps back inside the room.

You realise you need to do something to diffuse the escalated situation. Letting out a breathy laugh, you get up and tell them that you’ll be going inside, trying to keep your expression pleasant and unaffected, not waiting before turning around to spare them the burden of a response. People get yelled at everyday, and this is no different. You aren’t gonna be the one to make a scene out of a regular occurrence.

You know what's coming when you get inside, she’s waiting as she pulls you aside.

“Your behavior has been quite concerning recently, let me remind you of your place here and what you were hired to do. You've been dilly dallying with people who aren't even your friends, and its quite funny that you’d think they are. It's time to wake up from wasting your time making heart eyes at men who are way out of your league. I won't tolerate any more nonsense from you, and trust I won’t be this nice or forgiving the next time this happens”

You choose to nod your head.

“That’s another thing, use your own words. Don’t think other people are gonna be there all the time to speak for you” She spits out, her professional front slowly eroding the more she spoke.

“Yes, ma’am” You say, hoarse voice.

“Louder, next time”, she stalks out as majority of the people in the room also begin to leave for the filming downstairs.

You’re left standing awkwardly in front of the racks of clothes, trying to digest what just happened to you. Looking around the room, you try to figure out what your supposed to do.

Clothes on the couches, eyeshadow brushes on the floor. There’s a torn sponge resting underneath one of the chairs, a couple styrofoam boxes left on the tables from lunch.

There’s so much for you to do, you arent sure how you thought you had time to sit down and chat. But you’re not sure where to begin either. The room is a mess of smells and colours even without the buzzing noise of people getting ready. Tears begin to form as you try to navigate what you’re supposed to do, realising you can’t possibly find a starting point for any of this mess. Before you have time to think of anything else, a hand is holding onto your wrist, small and soft.

It’s Yoona, another one of the makeup artists.

“Y/n, I think it’s best if you go home, it’s been tiring.”

“But-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle her. Just trust me. Go home you’ll feel alot better”

She notices you hesitate for a second, and goes in to give you a hug.

It felt nice, to be hugged by a friend. For some reason, it didn’t feel like she was pitying you, her expression and aura reassuring you that you didn’t have to stand here alone.

“Whatever happened today shouldn't have happened, but you don’t need to think about that right now. Go home and do nice things for yourself, we’ll figure it out later. You have my number, give me a text once you get home. We can go out later if you want, when I get off work, to get your mind off things”

You’re not sure how you’re holding back the waterpark that has become of your tearducts as you hear those words from an unsuspecting friend, you nod with a smile. You feel a little more calm.

You can’t tell if you care enough to consider the consequences of your senior finding out how you’re doubling or nothing on your already posed humiliation. But the only thing you can think of right now is your bed and the ceiling you’d stare burn holes into.

So you, for the first time in a while, chose to choose yourself by picking up your satchel and leaving the chaos behind you as you walk to your car.

***

Just because you were brave where it mattered most doesn’t mean you weren’t allowed to cry.

You had come home, shot Yoona a brief text, and promptly began to sob the absolute Nile into your sheets.

You had never cried like this before, loud wracked sobs coming from a place in your chest you had locked away during a time you couldn’t even remember. You’re breathing after every choked cry is a sputtered intake of life, only to spit it back out as you let out another sob of what sounds like agony. There’s nothing in your head, nothing but the words that were spoken to you as echoes of your own mind. Hypocritical of you to hate them when the same words circled in your head like a mantra every cursed, unfortunate day. She had done you a favour, by spitting out the truth you’d stewed, chewed and kept in your mouth ever since you got here. This was a you problem, to believe that you were capable of things beyond your bracket. You were told by the universe, screamed at by the world, that this was never meant for you, and you chose to ignore it. You chose to be stubborn. You brought this misery upon yourself.

Once you’ve disposed your body weight of tears and snot and burden, you’re left to stare at your innocent sheets now stained with mascara and your sorrows. You crawl into your covers and rest your muscles for a few seconds, head empty. You aren’t sure when you drift off, but you're glad that you do.

You don’t dream for once.

***

You wake up feeling like you drank a gallon of water and went to sleep. Your eyes, nose and throat feel like they’ve been over watered yet dry at the same time. You don’t realise what’s really arising pangs of irritancy in your brain once you figure out the consistent sound is a door bell. You’re doorbell, of the house that you live in.

You’re slow to push yourself up, realising your slept in your day clothes. It’s dark out but you're not sure what time it is, and quite frankly, you can’t say you care enough to check. You need to silence your doorbell first, which can only be done by silencing whatever hell sent individual was playing drums on the button outside.

It’s a record screech in your brain as you peer through your peephole and realise who the aforementioned hell sent individual was.

Mingyu was outside your door.

You don’t realise you look like you crawled out of a sewer till it’s too late and you’ve already opened the door through muscle memory. Mingyu was always welcome in your space.

He was in casual clothes, his hair pushed back from the guessed hands that ran through it, but he was still in stage his stage makeup.  

“Oh, were you sleeping?” He asks, eyes a little wide, expression cautious.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll go then, you weren’t answering your phone for anyone and you told Yoona you were home but you weren’t opening the door, i was worried. Sorry I ringed it so much I probably should’ve assumed-”

He stops to look at you, and it’s like realizes something before he finally says; “Just wanted to make sure you were okay, I’ll see you around. I’ll leave you alone”

“Wait,” you croak out, licking your lips, conscious of your morning voice, “Can you stay? Please? If you can.”

He stops to look at you, expression changing from sheepish to defensive.

“No! I mean, yes. Yes. I’ll stay. I’ll stay for as long as you want”

You let him in as he slips off his shoes and you lead him to the living room. His presence in the familiar place seems like it last happened eras ago, when he was only here maybe a week prior.  

“You know where everything is, I’ll be back gimme like 5 minutes”

You’re scared to look at yourself in your bathroom mirror, so you don’t, and choose to scrub your face looking down at your sink. You change into a sweatshirt and trouser loungewear set, deciding to save your dignity a little bit further as you brush your hair and clip it back with a claw clip.

You take a breath before entering the living room again.

He’s sitting on the floor in your usual place, two steaming mugs on the coffee table, the tabs hanging out of the cup. He made you tea.

You sit down next to him, not really prepared for what you should be saying.

“How long has she been speaking to you like that?” He asks you quietly.

“She was always kinda itchy and uptight and stuff but, it was never like this” You say.

“Regardless, whatever that was, it was, wrong, uncalled for, all of those things” He says, sputtering a little bit.

He stops and sighs. It’s silect for a minute before he turns in his seat to face you, grabbing your folded legs and pulling you to face him too.

“Yoona heard everything she said to you after you went in, she heard it all. And she knows about some other stuff too. If you think, even for a second, that I’m not your friend, I might actually think there’s something wrong with you.

“If everything we’ve been through this past, almost a year, doesn’t amount to us at least being friends then I don’t know what it means to have one at all. You’re the first person in a while I’ve been able to be this open with. You know me better than most people, you’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. I’ve let you read me all you want, because I know I can be an open book if it’s you. I trust you more than I can trust myself sometimes, and I really wish you would trust me too.”

You’re watching him as he says all of this, you look up to make eye contact a couple times, and he’s looking at you everytime you lift your head.

“I do trust you. Probably more than anyone else. It’s myself I don’t trust. It’s hard for me to open up, I’m scared I’m gonna say something that’ll scare you away. And, I just thought maybe she was right today, that I need to realise that it can’t be that way between us, I have a job to do”

“What can’t be between us?”

“I like you, Mingyu. Like, I’m basically in love with you and have been since I fucking met you. I couldn’t believe that you could possibly be friends with someone like me, a confused, all over the place airhead who can’t tell right from left sometimes, forget you ever liking me. All that happened is that we became friends and I thought that this was as far as fate was gonna push us. All today told me was that … that was an overextension too. It was a wake up call that I can’t have everything in life. Things were going too well for us and I was letting myself think it could stay that way forever. I’m sorry for being this way, I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable and out of place. This is the last thing you’d want to hear from a friend and I’m sorry I’m putting you in this situation right now and that you had to go through that today-”

You don’t finish what your saying because you're interrupted. Interrupted by arms pulling you forward and into Mingyu in front of you.

Your both sitting in your living room at 3 AM, on the floor in front of your sofa like you both have so many times. Except now, Mingyu is holding you in his arms, and kissing you so delicately it hurts.

It’s warm, like getting into bed after a long day, the scent of home and security engulfing you as you begin to forget about the qualms of life.

He’s moving his lips slowly, with care and a feeling so overflowing you can’t describe.

He lets go slowly and rests his forehead against yours, his arms are around you tight, legs wrapped around your entire body so you can't escape - physically or mentally.

“You dumbass” You hear him say.

“I love you,Y/n. More than anything. And I need you to know that you don’t have to hide. If you think your thoughts are a burden then I want to carry it for you. I want you to realise you’re not alone. I want you to stop pushing me away. Everytime I want to do something nice for you, you try to push the effort to something else, everytime I try to take care of you, you have this look that makes me think you feel guilty for taking up my time or something. Everytime I think you’re about to ask me to stay the night, you remind me I have priorities and I should go, even though I know you want me to stay with you. I want you to stop caring so much for how other people feel and realise you can demand the same from the universe too. You deserve love and to be treated with care. You need to let people do that for you, love.”

Your looking at him now, your turn to have stars in your eyes.

He loves you.

And you feel it. You feel it in his words, in his eyes, in the kisses he’s leaving on your face, in his arms that are wrapped around you, ready to shield you from the world.

You don’t say anything as you fall into his chest, head on shoulder, relaxed body in the cage he’s made for you. You close your eyes as the tears are burning down your face. Except, this time they’re because your relieved.

You both got up from the uncomfortable floor and moved to your bed, still tangled within each other as you clarified everything else.

You found out that majority of the people who heard it were very upset at the situation, but didn’t know how to approach or confront her.

Seungkwan almost bust a blood vessel after he had digested what had happened, disbelief and threats on his tongue as he refused to get touched up by her during filming, apparently making a point to walk to somebody else. Seungcheol was thinking of trying to bring up the problem to management, considering how Mingyu too was distracted all the way home.

“The rest of them have gotten quite protective of you too, I think. It’s not like I shut up about you”

Apparently the only reason you were asked to start taking charge on makeup was because some of the other senior artists pressured your mentor to stop restricting you. It made you feel a little more secure that it wasn’t just you that felt pushed down.

She didn’t like that you were doing so well, considering it meant she was wrong about you and your abilities. It hurt her ego a little bit that people stopped preferring her to do their makeup or their touchups, how they wouldn’t interact with her the same way.

“Alot coming from a middle aged, married woman, attention seeking like a child” Mingyu added, scoffing with a sour face as he nuzzled into the crown of your head.

“The boys really like you by the way, they’ve been rooting for us since forever” He says, and your heart swells unimaginably so; you felt loved, so so loved.

You scooch up to plant a kiss on the underside of his chin and then one on his lips.

“That makes me happy”

“I’m happy that you’re happy. You deserve to be happy, everyday” He smooches you on the face again. “Oh, and don’t worry about that stinky face I’ll take care of her”

You laugh at the determination in his voice, but you wanted to clarify something.

“Please, let me handle her myself. I’ll ask for help if she’s stubborn but I wanna try by myself first”

“That was hot”

You push his chest away as you bark out a laugh at the random comment, hiding you face, by turning the other way.

He battles that by pull you back into his chest and continuing his atics

“What I can’t call my girlfriend hot. You’re hot. Your the sexiest motherfucker I’ve ever seen” smooch “You’re beautiful” and again  “amazing” and again “gorgeous spectacular-”

You don’t fall asleep until the sun has well made its way up the sky, taking the executive decision to sleep in till way past lunch and maybe even take a nap afterwards.

You don’t care how it goes, because your happy just being with him.

***

You met with Yoona a couple days later at a cafe.

“Seungcheol asked us if we were facing the same kind of behaviour from her too. And everyone told him she was stuck up and rude and stuff. He said he wanted to bring it up to management but it didn’t really concern him directly so they wouldn’t listen. He told us to do so ourselves and we thought about it, but we’re gonna need to tell them about that too”

You nod your head as you listen to her speak, it was making sense.

“I dont mind going up to management at all and talking about it. I get that the rest of the stuff is a little too tame to be considered, which sucks because she shouldn’t be talking to us like that at all”

“Mhm, and I was thinking we could vouch for you on how she was restraining you for almost a year. Basically not letting you do your job. That’d be a another thing for them to think about”

“Yeah. Let’s do it asap, how’s this Monday?”

“Perfect, I’ll add everyone to a group chat and let them know”

And go up to management you did, who were surprisingly understanding. Apparently having received multiple reports and even videos of the most recent incident to act as proof. It was working out for all of you, and it proved to stay that way as they responded with a promise to shift her to a different department.

You had gone home that day feeling fulfilled and relieved. Mingyu, a man with spectacular timing had also proceeded to send you a text as a distraction,

[Mingyu]: Kwan wants to come over

[Mingyu]: something about croissants

[Mingyu]: Should he text you ab it?

[You]: yeah ofc

[You]: I’ll order the butter

[You]: you tell him to text me lol

Two nights ago felt like it happened last year with all the unimaginable advances deciding to happen within the past 48 hours. Right now you were more excited for the company you were about to recieve, more concerned with making sure you made the best batch of croissants Seungkwan ever did see.

***

You were in the car with Mingyu outside the company building, waiting until the clock struck 9 to go inside.

Today was the last day you’d think about this, being called up for a face to face meeting with the staff member, so she could formally apologise. The team had planned a dinner tonight, to celebrate the end of her ‘wicked reign’ as Yoona described it.

You were finding friends everywhere, ones that were always there, pulling through for each other as you yourself navigated a new direction of thinking for yourself. You were learning to walk past your anxiety ridden desire to draw lines with everyone, as you took the first step with the dinner tonight. It would be fun for you, and a bond you’d begin to build.

You learned that you weren’t delusional anymore, and that Mingyu did love you the same. It had only been a week or so, but one of the happiest weeks of your life, despite everything. He was teaching you more lessons than he thought he was.

Mingyu squeezes your hand from the driver’s side as it was past 9, “Let’s go?”

“Lets go”

***

Mingyu’s way too enthusiastic as soon as he wakes up, indulging you in a morning (afternoon) makeout session, claiming he doesn’t care for you morning breath.

“Well I do!” you exclaim, pushing him off with a giggle “About your morning breath, stinky”

He clutches his chest in dramatic offense, “How could you? I thought you loved me”

You respond my projecting a cushion to his face.

“Do you want pancakes or eggs for breakfast?” You ask, legs hanging over the bed.

Mingyu looks up, a wicked glint in his eye, and you immediately know he’s going to say something of no help.

“I want you for breakfast” He says, grabbing you by the waist and pulling you back in bed.

“MINGYU!”

Needless to say, all was well.

#seventeen #carat #svt #svt fluff #svt scenarios #svt imagines #seventeen fluff #mingyu #mingyu fluff #mingyu angst #mingyu fic #mingyu x reader #mingyu imagines #mingyu scenarios #kim mingyu #svt x reader #em.writes

[weebsinstash]

They often say food can be a language of love, and one of the things that started driving Suguru into a deeper depression was eating curses that tasted horribly disgusting and then also not being able to eat normal food, so I was thinking about a story concept where Reader through whatever means can actually give Geto his sense of taste back and actually ease the discomfort he experiences when eating curses, and he forms a deep gratitude/obsession/love because of it

Obviously i publish yandere stuff but it doesn't mean up in Brain Land that I don't think of other ideas, action, adventure, what not, and recently I've been thinking of -also this was kind of for yandere purposes too actually lmao- Reader having a technique along the lines of "Cursed Memory Manipulation"

You can manipulate curses just like Geto, only you do it by affecting their memories into thinking you're an ally or friend or master or whatever gets them to obey. There are limits, but if it's some mindless creature, you're basically a Pokemon trainer. But I was thinking, can you imagine being his classmate who he has way too much depression to fully pay attention to, he's eating less, he's losing weight, losing sleep, and one day you're eating lunch near him and see he's struggling to keep food down, and he leaks vague details about how he keeps thinking about the taste of curses and how food doesn't taste the same.

Here you are, genuinely wanting to help him, just casually like, "well, what if I take a bite of this food, and then when you take a bite, I put my memory of what it tasted like in your head while we eat together" and it's some spur of the moment idea that he's too tired to argue against you about, so he does it to humor you and get it over with and. It works? It actually works??? He can taste and the world is beautiful again?

Oh sure, it starts off sharing lunches with him, but he's basically unable to normally eat without you, so, he all but glues himself to you at all times so you can eat all your meals together. At his worst, a yandere Geto would just immediately outright insist on if not demand marriage, because how ELSE are you two going to share every meal together? He may even force you to cook for him to make the meals you two eat all the more special. You're just his little Patron Saint of Snacks who can actually give him an appetite again

And I guess as a bonus, the idea I was originally tacking the concept of Cursed Memory Manipulation onto was, vague but, it was the idea of, what if Reader is losing a fight and is at genuine risk of being killed and you use your technique to fill your attacker with memories of you, and maybe you don't exactly have time to think and it turns out to be something really personal, something really intimate, whatever can get this person or creature or curse or whatever to stop attacking you. Sukuna suddenly remembering you as an old flame who he suddenly has too many fond memories of fucking to simply kill you. Mahito stops himself from slicing you open when he's suddenly recalling playing all kinds of games with you, running around as kids, memories of a childhood that didn't exist yet appeals to his young heart.

It's also totally different but I've also thought about 1. What if Sukuna gets in Itadori and finds out the young man isnt all there when it comes to you with Sukuna absorbing some of Yuuji's feelings for you, and then when he jumps to, his current host, HE ALSO had feelings for you, so now Sukuna is like secondhand driven mad with yandere fever and 2. What if after Kenjaku bodysnatches Geto, he runs into you again one day and all of Suguru's repressed and Strong STRONG feelings for you start surging forth and Kenjaku just HAS to keep you around as his new pet at the very least because he just can't shake all these new obsessive thoughts and the literal goosebumps he gets when he looks at you

#yandere jjk #yandere x reader #yandere suguru geto #suguru x reader #i dunno what tags people use for him #sinprompts #yandere stuff

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

another crazy thing about having been a prostitute is to realise how little difference there has been in how many of my male sexual partners have treated me and how sex buyers treated me, especially since i was an escort where often you get paid to simulate dates. i even had sex buyers beg to see me again meanwhile men in real life often ghost or keep me at armlength especially when there are no romantic feelings involved.

this is why i dont want to have sex without feelings and care for each other anymore - it almost feels like im prostituted all over again, bad in a different way because i actually like the men i sleep with and want them to like and appreciate me too and consider my desires (dont get me wrong obviously prostitution is always worse than sleeping with men im actually attracted to and want to have sex with but it hurts in a different way to realise that ive often also been just a means to get off to them).

like for example, since sex buyers often pay for time instead of sex act (or both combined), they want to get the most out of their money and do the most to you in the set time - but as a prostitute you want to get it over with as soon as possible and it feels like torture. meanwhile so many heterosexual men who dont pay for sex try to reach orgasm as soon as possible and then its over, lmao. like the direct comparison between having been prostituted and having voluntary sex with men will make you feel absolutely crazy but it also made me realise why i thought i didnt even like sex for so long. because i was always treated like an object, not a person. men will do the bare minimum to keep you around for sex if they dont see you as wife material (and then they also do just little more than the bare minimum up until they reached their goal of marriage then usually start neglecting their wives as we know).

which brings home the point that we need a cultural and legal shift. as long as men treat sex as masturbation with another person, and women as objects or tools, there will always be demand for prostitution, and there will always be (privileged) women deluded into thinking „might as well get paid for it“ or even „at least now im being appreciated“, paradoxically. thats how bad heterosexual men treat women in bed.

this also emphasises that yes, #allmen, because even the men who dont buy sex contribute to the system of sexual exploitation with their behaviour. the reason ive heard men say most often why they dont buy sex is not care for women, but pride. they can convince women to get them off so why pay for it? same with porn, they dont stop watching because they care about women, but because their dick stopped working. and then of course you have a lot of sex buyers who dont even want to do the bare minimum mentioned above so they buy sex to go immediately to using a womans body with no „hassle“. the state of heterosex is fucking dire because i know im by far not the only one experiencing this.

and even before prostitution i could feel it but not really put my finger on it, now with this horrible experience and a radical aligned feminist view on things i realise and its really dark. and dont even try talking to men about their inadequacies in bed because they will act like youre the problem and an annoying nag for voicing desires.

#mine #anti prostitution #heterorealism #and the more i talk about heterorealism #the more i realise that heterosex might be the core issue of the patriarchy #even for women who dont have or want heterosex because its omnipresent #and impacting all female-male relationships in a way #how we view our bodies and ourselves #and the inherent discrepancy caused by female vs male anatomy and priorities during sex #etc!

[3xiles]

Sweet lies

Pairing • Toji x gn!reader

Warnings • Angst!, Cheating mentioned, suggestive, manipulation, UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!, Cursing, not proof read sorry!! lmk if i missed anything >.<

Word count • 405 words

A/n • This is my first time writing in a while LMAO. I hope you all enjoy! :)) Repost are always appreciated!

You knew your marriage was going downhill the first time you caught him but, you being young, naive, and stupidly in love you let yourself believe the foolish lies that he would spill to you every night. The tongue that was used to pleasure another being the same one let the words “i love you” effortlessly roll off.

You met Toji when you were fairly young. A fresh college graduate moving away from home to a new city to start your new life. Things were going great! You were able to snag a great job as an accountant and you were making good money. You got a beautiful pent house apartment and were wearing clothes that years ago you thought you would never be able to afford and not to mention all at the age of 24. Yeah, things really were going great for you and things would still be that way if you just hadn’t gone out that night.

You had met a group of girls from this dance class you joined when you first moved and they somehow convinced you to go out clubbing with them one night. ‘What’s the harm in one night out?’ you repeated to yourself in your head, you were never really the clubbing type. Little did you know that one night would somehow change the course of your life. You met Toji on this night out.

He had this charm to him. Maybe it was something about a man that was older that got it you or the strong cologne that hit your nostrils as soon as he walked up. It could’ve been how smooth he was with his words and how dominating his presence was. At first glance he seemed scary but something about him made you feel… safe. Using that deep rasp voice and smooth combination of words he managed to bring you home that night.

It wasn’t something you were proud of, you didn’t like one night stands. Afterwards you were ashamed you would let yourself go like this, especially with a guy you just met not even 2 hours ago! You can’t lie tho, he was the best fuck you’ve ever had. He fell asleep shortly after so you took that as your que to leave. Before you leaving you left your number on his nightstand, you wanted to see more of him but it also made you feel better about the situation. Much to your surprise he ended up calling a few days later and asking you out on a date. It made you feel good, he wanted you. He wanted to turn into something. All that talk at the club wasn’t just to get in your pants, he actually liked you! You both went on more dates and shortly after began dating. It was a very nerve wracking experience for you, him being your first relationship since high school.

You fell hard. He made you feel things you’ve never felt before. He was all you wanted and more. He was nothing like the guys your age, he was grown. He was doing things for you that you’ve only seen with TV couples. Bringing you flowers while you were at work, random dates and gifts, and so much more. Toji was the man of your dreams but like every couple you guys had your ups and downs. The thing that made them all better, that damn mouth of his.

Toji’s words were your drug. He just always knew the right things to say. He had you right in the palm of his hand and you didn’t even know it. The things he has convinced you to do are unbelievable and looking back on it now you definitely wouldn’t have done them. Cutting off all your friends because in his words “They are all too immature” and “bad influences”, moving out of the apartment you loved so so much because he says would be better to wake up with you by his side and even quitting the job of your dreams.. because he promised he would take care of you. He didn’t want you to ever stress your pretty little head or lift one of your polished fingers. You began to rely on him, you began to need him.

About a year and a half into your relationship he proposed and of course you said yes! who were you to say no to him? He was providing for you, keeping you safe, the least you could do was tie the knot with him, right?

Biggest mistake of your life.

part two???

#anime #toji fushiguro #toji x reader #choso x reader #angst #toji zenin #jujutsu toji #toji angst #jjk toji #jujutsu kaisen toji #toji smut #toji x y/n #toji x you #dilf toji #jjk thoughts #jjk x reader #jjk #jjk smut #jjk x you #jjk fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #jujustsu kaisen x reader #zenin toji x reader #jjk fushiguro #toji fushigro x reader #toji fic #jujutsu kaisen fushiguro #sadnees

[toorumlk]

Harry/Ginny

AH HINNY!

oh man, i oscillate between really liking hinny one day and feeling completely indifferent towards them the next.

hinny might be the relationship i like the most for harry, and it's all because because of the family aspect. through marriage w ginny, harry officially became a weasley family member. and, of course he always was one, but he actually is a weasley on paper and i think having that in writing would mean a lot to harry. and my golden trio heart can't not mention that by hinny being married - ron and hermione are literally harry's brother and sister (in-law) now and !!!!! that just makes my heart melt (i know those two were always harry's family but bc of the aforementioned reason, etc. you get it)

so right off the bat, when i try to organize my more positive thoughts on hinny, i'm mostly focused on how the relationship best serves harry, and only harry. and this is where my frustrations with the ship begins: it's so hard to think the other way around because ginny's narrative purpose is just to be harry's ideal love interest, instead of being a fully fleshed character. i really love ginny with all her spunk and feistiness, but she's so underutilized. she had a cute crush on him in the start of the series which was adorable, but her character was inarguably just "ron's younger sister". and after she gets possessed by volde/gets saved from the CoS by harry, she still continues to have a puppy-love crush on harry until OoTP!!! GAAHHHH!!! Apparently joanne said hinny were always meant to be soulmates and i think if these two had a consistent "invisible string" motif throughout the series, it would've been so good (and almost as good as romione's slow burn). So...

here's how i'd fix hinny (lmao):

i wouldve made the ginny a much more prominent character in PoA and beyond.

we get to see hinny actually have heart-to-hearts about the incidents of CoS - for ginny to play such an IMPORTANT role in the titular plotline of the second book, then to just have her blend into the background afterwards just boggles my mind - that was the perfect oppurtunity to make ginny an invaluable character in the cast. she has this huge experience in common with harry - being personally victimized by voldemort - that harry doesn't have w ron or hermione at that point and it would've been so nice to see harry find an equal, a confidant in ginny from then on - like, dont let the readers forget that harry and ginny have this huge thing in common, have it be with us in the back of our heads the whole time!

start the hinny romance subplot fr fr in GoF

the potential of ginny being a maybe date for harry to the yule ball, harry feeling jealousy towards neville for getting to dance and spend time w ginny and harry being like "wait a minute! i'm supposed to crush on cho! im jealous of neville??" that wouldve been FUN - again, they couldve been a less insane version of romione hello

having the hinny subplot unravel in tandem with harry's crush and relationship with Cho in ootp

in ootp, you can argue that the story attempts to make a foil between cho and ginny's characters but if that were the case, it could've done a way better job of it

with harry's relationship w cho - harry likes her bc she's cool and pretty but she wants to connect with him through their connection via cedric and his death, which is off the bat a hugely touchy/traumatic topic for both of them and cho couldn't possibly fathom what it's like to be in the presence of voldemort/tom but guess which other character does ehehe...

now we're at hbp and this is where the good stuff starts bc if i'd had it my way, we'd have gotten their friendship in poa and two books of solid romantic build-up up until now

i honestly had a such a fun time with hinny in hbp, ginny in her OWL year being so cool and harry's hugeass crush on her- harry being a hormonal teenager was hilarious to read like its implied that harry is having increasingly inappropriate thoughts about her throughout the novel and theyre just intercut with "BUT RON-" that's some good shit

my one gripe w hbp's hinny is that i wish we actually got to see their dates sneaking around hogwarts, finding the perfect hideaways for makeout sessions, etc etc i know hp wasn't a romance fantasy by any means but imagine how swoony it wouldve been if we got to actually see these sunset dates instead of just being told about them - it wouldve been cathartic to actually see harry actually live the life of a normal teen boy before everything fell apart lol

if we got all these invisible string moments between them throughout the series, harry thinking about ginny and how good it felt to kiss her lips before he walks to his death in DH would've felt so much more earned

from a storytelling perspective, the case with hinny begs the question of if you can have a love interest for the jesus figure of your narrative? can you make a believable, grounded and balanced love story for the chosen one? i honestly think so but then you'd have to put equal amounts of effort and work into creating two nuanced characters and unfortunately we don't see that effort be put in ginny's character and that's why harry's endgame falls short for so many people. earlier, i said that this is the ship i like most for harry, but honestly that isn't saying a lot - i think with an almost saint-like character like harry, its hard to imagine a satisfying love and partnership for this kid. i like tomarry as a ship for when im feeling a bit insane but other than that, my main harry ship is him with a lifetime of peace and healing.

i also want to argue that hinny was never meant to be a primary romance in this story - the main romance/love story in the series is ron and hermione's and i think joanne's romance prowess all went into romione and i'm so thankful for that because i think it makes for better story (also i'm totally biased)

i also cant not mention the freudianess of it all with hinny, right? like god freud would Love hinny bc what do you mean they look identical to jily, what is going on here. that and the fact they had their first kid at 22/23 years old like my god, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING you should be at the club!!!!! i do dig the failmarriage vibes they were serving in TCC, also.

#wow i do love to yap #pro hinny #hinny #harry x ginny #hp meta #harry potter meta #hinny meta #toorumlk #nusreplies

[pandoraroid]

listening to vincent's playlist and it is an,,, experience,,,

take this all with a grain of salt pls dont come @ me

to quote a comment from this video: the fact that we know what's coming makes this both terrifying and heartbreaking. couldnt have said it better than myself 😔😔😔😔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i love him so much,,, he tries to distract the listener,,, he tries to comfort them so bad soshksjsks HE'S SO SWEET AND EVERYTHING

"do you wanna hold my hand?" HAND IN MARRIAGE SIR? SURE

he is an adrenaline junkie i need a man like him in my life he's just like me fr

"one last ride, right?" NO 👹 S T O P DONT BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS

though how is he the only rider they never found??? what how did he get dislodged from his seat or something??? i must be dumb i dont get this all of a sudden 🧍‍♀️

love the intro 😚 the messages on the cassette tapes are so heartwarming and reassuring djgdjdhd

okay that "boo" actually scared the shit out of me is it safe to assume that this is the same amusement park he was in in the previous video?

if that's the case, does he just,,, chill in here at random??? god that is so,,,

"demons(?) are very much real" BRO ARE WE SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT?

"oh i know i'm close. you're welcome" WHEWWWWWW JESUS FUCK LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH

"little one" okay fuck i'm melting YOUR VOICE SIR got me kicking my feet and blushing fr

lovely has an attitude 😁😁 stay strong soldier

he calls them beautiful AND DARLING? even if it was a bit of a throwaway JESUS 🫠

"your safety is paramount" "be safe, little one. good night." why does this make him so much hotter jesus what is wrong with me HE EVEN LEADS THEM BACK TO THEIR CAR (bareminimumenjoyer?!?! me?!?!? look away)

"you're not looking for another paranormal hunk are you? that would break my heart :(" SIR

no seriously why is bro here

"foreplay takes two y'know" SIR

is he getting them to believe in the supernatural what what is his goal,,,

"should i strip down for easier access, doctor?" WRAP IT UP

his voice omfg immelting just imagining the scene,,, onlovely'sbedbeingclosewithhimohmyfuckinggod

he's so goofy for just tapping on his fangs like that lmao

DID HE JUST PIN THEM DOWN TO THE BED WH A T

SIR WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DID HE SERIOUSLY NEARLY JUST???? WHA T

"no one has had this effect on me" NO SHIT????

"you're safe with me. i won't lose control." thank you for that but if the next video's title is any clue, that will not age well ( i mean you on the other hand don't get to age at all so 🤷‍♀️ IM KIDDING)

"i'm not going to mess this up." you won't babes (at least i think you wont) i'd give anything to give him a hug or something

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH THIS ISNT MY MAN

oh the warnings 😃 mentally preparing myself now

lovely what the fuck are we doing here

"beautiful little bloodbag" oh hey a pale sleazy talking punchbag

"oh relax i'm just touching you" and if i may touch my fist to your face in a fast and strong way, you're gonna relax then bitch

WAIT DID HE TRANCE US???

i am well aware a human is no match for a vampire but that will not stop my audacity to try which dare i say levels up to his for touching me and talking shit about vincent

"all i had to do was wait for your human brain to make a decision this stupid." it seems that your expired vampiric brain has also made the stupid decision to breathe in my direction

to be fair on vincent, we have met each other exactly two times and neither of us (especially him) could have known how our previous meeting would end. i don't need to be near you for five minutes to know you're a little bitch

DID YOUR CONCEPT OF PERSONAL SPACE DIE WITH YOU THE FIRST TIME GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE BITCH

MY MAN IS HEREEEEE he's not gonna be mad lovely came here is he

HE PUNCHED HIM HAHAHAHA he did it for me fr

HIS VOICE GOD am so weak for him

MAKING OUT WITH US ALREADY??? GOOD GOD

lovely checking on him too ☹️☹️☹️ my goober fr

"i dont think you're gonna like what you found" oh dang you're like me for real

MY MAN

the way he says "little one" will never not get to me omg AND THEN HE SAID BABY IN THAT VOICE??? GOD

vamp eyes go black when theyre hungry(?) got it noted

so lovely got tranced and vincent is needs to feed on them right after???? did i get that right??? GOOD GOD GIVE EM A BREAK???

"i cant drink from your neck... no not yet not like this..." PROPS TO HIM FOR HAVING PROPRIETY LOVE MY MAN FR

"this will mark you as mine" GIVE IT HERE but at the same time ALREADY????

oh good lord he's feeding from our wrists now okay

hang in there lovely patpat u're gonna be okay (i hope they will be VINCENT)

aw those little kisses though

noooooo vincent 😭???

neways,,,

jfc these two put me on a ride (haha get it)

vincent is slowly becoming my new crush 🤭 but jfc lovely better get good u got this babes

will stop here for now bc i need a break 🧍‍♀️ when will i continue who knows

#redacted audio #redactedverse #redacted lovely #redacted vincent #exposing myself in this one fr #dont judge me looks away

[letters-to-rosie]

Minutes to Midnight is seriously and envy-inducingly good! But I just want to say that, when you said "one shot of all time", my mind immediately went to you've got your demons, and darling, they all look like me. And then I got reminded of why it's my personal favorite (other than it being plain good, ofc): the summary. A well-written fic is a well-written fic, obviously, but the perfect summary really adds to the experience. Like how it catches your eye and makes your heart race because you know that an author who can write such a summary... well. They also can and probably did write a fic that blows your clothes off and turns them inside out before sending them to the hamper. It's about the anticipation.

Ahem, so anyway. I started thinking about how few words one needs to evoke an emotional response, and I wanted to share my excitement about that.

ahhhh thanks for the recommendation!!

I'mma use this as a little bit more time to gush over Minutes to Midnight just because, and then gush over you've got your demons as well because oh man. thank you for sending it my way!!

Ekko is my favorite character, but I am also a big fan of making him Worse, and I love how Minutes to Midnight does it in a way that feels so authentic. like I can extrapolate him right away from what we see in the show. and this is the only fic I can think of that really takes it to such an extreme, but again it's done so compellingly that it really feels like a Jinx version of Ekko, even if Jinx remains similarly filled with rage. there are just so many lines I love and I could list them all day but when it culminates at the end, tying together the time themes and the regret and the betrayal it's just... I love it so much

one line for fun: She’s bleeding, choking, underneath him, and he hits her, and hits her, don’t you get it, I could have done this anytime I wanted but I didn’t, I didn’t, I gave you my life and you threw it back in my face, even as she claws at him alley-cat-desperate.

every time I read it, I'm just in my room, actually screaming lol

and now for you've got your demons!!!!

there were also a ton of lines I could have pulled out but then we'd be here all day but

Dark against light - though the light has always been Ekko. i cry She chose him long before he chose her. i cry endlessly Powder never asks Vi her favorite color, because she doesn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t say the same thing Ekko did. a never-ending stream

but man it's just so stunning. like you said, I love how few words it uses to get its story across. getting to read prose that packs that sort of punch is always so special. Powder/Jinx is just so relatable and you really feel her struggles come through. her tangle of confusion and not getting things like marriage really resonated with my ace self (and I always enjoy an ace-spec Jinx). but her crush was so precious I just wanted to hug her and let her be happy with Ekko and maybe my delusional ass can imagine that they are someday in that fic universe lol

and the way the summary gets entirely recontextualized at the end????? INCREDIBLE truly a one-shot of all time. we have to make it an indefinite article now lmao

I got super lucky because the author of "you've got your demons" wrote my gift for the secret santa we just had!! that fic is called Moonlight Refuge and let me tell you if it didn't convey every emotion I wanted, which is the "I should want nothing to do with you but I can't help myself" part of timebomb, and in this one it's mutual and just fantastic. I spent like half my comment writing AHHH because the emotions were just everywhere it was a good time

also hi @cranechel we're in the corner gushing over your fic... I will leave a comment soon but wanted to answer this lol

#asks #arcane #fanfiction #timebomb #ekko #jinx #ekkojinx #go read the fics #they are great #then sign a petition to stopkosa if you're in the us okay love you bye #also if anyone else wants to send me their one-shot of all time plz feel free lol

[runningfrom2am]

1. in her defense, she had warned arachne and academic pressure makes all the best people a little more unhinged.

2. “lady problems” aka the immense urge to use violence.

3. the fact that her threats are very real when directed at anyone but coryo. she had a weakness from the start.

4. sejanus, r, and coryo are the trio that is not exactly loved but hard to cross because who could dare to do such a thing? i love them.

5. i just know that livia was the one to suggest and insist someone should make sure r does end up in the office.

6. “You’re both lying to each others faces and neither of you knew.” OH!! HOW I LOVE THIS!!

7. did r just sibling-zoned him? that’s not how we run from our problems.

8. i will be thinking about the similarities between r and tigris for the next two business days.

9. coryo is the one to talk about, “gross and dusty and dark” honestly. he would know a whole lot deal about it.

10. “Cozy.” his Peeta Mellark moment!

11. i love how they how have their own ideas about what is wrong about the other but they will die before they make it known.

12. “Besides, an old couple wouldn’t be married if they didn’t at least get along most of the time.” with a marriage of 56 years they actually became this.

hi bestieeee (responses under the cut)

1. no literally (like i said,, that may or may not be based on something i actually did when i was that age lmao- i was like “move or i will hit you” and she was like “as if” and then i did and she had the audacity to be shocked like girl i literally warned you?? anyway lol-)

2. HAHAH like sir just say you don’t understand it’s okay (but also,, yes the urge to get violent is sometimes present)

3. yeah 🥹 she has always loved him and no one can change my mind

4. LOL like they’re not hurting anyone (except for r sometimes as a treat) but yk what i mean lol

5. no for real this is exactly how i picture that going down:

Livia: uhh you’re going to let them go on their own? do you seriously trust that?

Teacher: *sigh* Plinth- go get Coriolanus and send him back, you escort her down”

(and then sejanus doesn’t send coryo back but he does just go with them bc he just wants to be included)

6. and it would be a HOT minute before they ever acknowledge their respective situations in any meaningful way

7. unfortunately she did LOL, like the spirit was there. as we know, flirting is not really her thing ESPECIALLY before she was even conscious of her feelings

8. realllll. also (kinda continuing my last point) i’ve heard that some of the most stable het relationships are between a first born daughter and a last born son. this may not be proven but i’ve read up on it a bit and from personal experience i would agree!

9. like sir why are you complaining it probably reminds you of your house like 💀

10. AHH THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THIS LOL

11. YES and i think this is the beginning of the era where r starts to notice these things about coryo that indicate what’s up with his home life. clearly when this takes place he’s at least semi-aware of her situation already, but like i said she’s just starting to pick up on his. it never ever gets easier for them to talk about though- i wouldn’t be surprised if they ever really do (besides the very little that they discuss or allude to it in the main timeline)

12. sejanus once again being a fortune teller lol and as he should

#i have the answers #LTPF <3 #that-veela-girl

[jademickian]

oh man, haven't done tag games in a while, sorry friends 🥹 i've been passive the last few weeks because uni is really taking most of my time and energy, but i appreciate the tags and i love love reading your answers<3

ok enough blabbering, thank u @callivich, @lingy910y, and @mickeysgaymom for the totally optional, fun gallavich questions tag!

What’s a fic you’ve read more than once?

Stuck at Three for Days - delicious banter, laughed my ass off

another kiss is all it takes - so fuckin sweet, dude

Like Real People Do - just finished my reread last month:)) i needed the comfort

Cooperative Gameplay - currently rereading! i miss the feels

Sometimes I reread bits and pieces from ORFNSP and since we're alone because they changed my brain chemistry. I will eventually get around to actually rereading them.

2. What’s a gifset you always have to reblog?

You know the one... this legendary world heritage gifset

3. What’s a headcanon you can’t stop thinking about?

not sure if this is counted but i always like to think that once, ian got struck with grief about monica's death on her death anniversary. mickey asks him what's wrong and he opens up about it. ian will say it's stupid but mickey will truly handle it with grace and say nah man it's not. because yahknow, he gets it. and ian melts at it, because no one has acknowledged his grief like this before. mickey teases him about it a bit, sure, but deep down he held ian's mourning warmly, like petals on his palm. and they went together to the cemetery that day, simply sat in front of her grave and talked. the good things, the bad. and that despite it all "hey, tleast she popped out an alien lookin mfer i ended up marryin." they get pizza after.

4. What’s a fanart you love looking at?

Van kiss by @lingy910y

Prince Mononoke by @darthvaders-wife

Prison Boyfriends by @gallavichonly

Part of Our World by @steorie

It's Okay by WhatsaMattavich

This Kiss by @deathclassic

SO MANY others actually if i could fit them all here

5. What’s an idea you’d love to create if you had the time/inspiration?

i actually have a LIST lmao. one of those has something to do with art because i cannot take my mind away from human mickey and manananggal ian (manananggal is a Philippine myth creature with wings and can separate the upper half of its body from its lower half).

6. What’s something you’ve discovered since entering this fandom? A new trope you love? A different analysis of the show? Something else?

oh man. believe it or not, i was never into fics. i was in fandoms before, but i just couldn't get into fics within those fandoms (i tried). this is the only time i truly liked and LOVED reading fics. it really speaks volumes about the talent and dedication, and i'm glad i got to experience it.

it's also fun reading metas on the show and getting different perspectives, especially on characters. one of my favorites (just because i was so distressed about it the first time i watched it) are analyses on the city hall scene and ian's hesitation on marriage. after reading up others' thoughts on it explaining the why's, i totally felt some relief and was able to get some sleep. lol

7. What’s an underrated trope or concept you’d like to see more of?

apocalypse aus 👍

8. What’s your favourite season? And has this changed after multiple rewatches of the show?

The first five seasons are gems to me. but i truly love season 2 because it's so chill (at least compared to some of the heavier seasons after) and the gallaghers move as a unit. special mention for season 4 because it holds Emily and Lazarus.

9. What’s a plot hole you wish had been answered or resolved?

same qualms with @mickeysgaymom about mickey's mom. brain rotting over it.

10. What scene or moment do you feel isn’t discussed enough?

not gallavich related, and i'm sure people have already mentioned it, but sometimes it hits me how smart debbie is. like, i know she's smart, but people easily forget from all the chaos. at the heart of it, she's a fast learner and also would and have excelled academically.

11. What line/dialogue/description from something else (a poem, a book, a tv show, a movie, or something else) do you feel describes Ian and Mickey’s relationship?

aaaa @lingy910y beat me to it! it's totally "I'll take care of you. / It's rotten work. / Not to me. Not if it's you." but if i could pick another, maybe "I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world."

12. What do you think is next for Ian and Mickey post-finale?

they'll grow old together and be just as in love, no matter what happens in between.

tagging @mybrainismelted, @scurvgirl, and @lupeloto if u wanna join!! raahh

#now back to my lab sheets #jade jabbers #tag games

[mermaidsirennikita]

I read your review of Earls Trip and was wondering if you had any other recs please where the heroine is not a virgin but has not had good sex? Thanks!

For suuuuure!

Contemporary:

The Next Best Fling by Gabriella Gamez isn't out until July but I'd highly recommend a pre-order because the heroine has never been given what she needs in the bedroom. Fortunately, the brother of the guy she thinks she's in love with DELIVERS.

Act Your Age by Eve Dangerfield. The heroine hasn't had the worst sex ever in the past, but she's very unfulfilled because she feels like she can't really indulge her kink (daddy stuff specifically) due to a fear of rejection? So it's a next level thing when she hooks up with the hero, who's totally compatible with her on that level. (It matters!!!)

Historical:

lmao like most widow books tbh

Scandalous Desires by Elizabeth Hoyt. Silence's sexual relationship with her husband was mid to poor and she doesn't even know what getting eaten out is until she gets turned out by a slutty pirate (as one does).

Joss and The Countess by S.M. LaViolette. Like, the big thing in this book is that all of Alicia's encounters in her marriages were either mid or awful (TW for past abuse) and after her second husband dies she starts trolling London for a good lay. With her bodyguard, Joss--who is actually a former sex worker and the D E F I N I T I O N of a great lay. And he knows that she what she actually needs is some rough attention, as they'd say, so he basically gets fed up one night and is like "THIS IS RIDICULOUS I'M TAKING OVER". I actually really liked that a lot of the issue was indeed Alicia sleeping with shitty men, but another part of the issue (because I believe her first husband was nice) is that she just... wasn't compatible with people who weren't going to rough her up. Someone being nice isn't enough for the sex to be good, y'all do need to be sexually compatible, 'tis a fact of life.

A Lady Awakened by Cecilia Grant. The heroine's sex life with her husband was so mid (both because he was boring at best and because of her own hangups) that she just lays there like a corpse after telling the hero to knock her up for plot reasons. It takes a while for her to actually engage and learn how to enjoy it.

The Duchess in His Bed by Lorraine Heath. Another one where the heroine is trying to get a dude to knock her up after her husband dies for heir reasons! The husband in this case really wasn't bad, but the fires, they were not a-lightin'. And then she ends up tangling with an incredibly slutty Trewlove hero, always a good move.

Waking Up with the Duke by Lorraine Heath. Jayne's sex life with her husband before he became impotent doesn't sound baaaaad per se, but definitely not exciting and NOTHING close to what she experiences with Ainsley. Also, I wanna call out that it is actually really shitty that her husband didn't even try to be romantic with her after the accident that rendered him impotent. Like yeah, your sex life may not be the SAME after that, but it can EXIST, and while what happened to him was horrible, closing the door on a romantic relationship with a spouse who loved him and couldn't leave was just such an asshole move. (CLIFFORD CHATTERLEY.)

The Many Sins of Lord Cameron by Jennifer Ashley. Lmao actually the heroine is named Ainsley in this one. Anyway, I think her sexual encounters were mid at best, she's a widow, she had this one incredibly charged makeout with Cameron while her husband was alive but it didn't go any further... And now she's getting, shall we say, wrung the fuck out.

For My Lady's Heart by Laura Kinsale. Melanthe is in general one of those ice queen heroines where you get the sense that she thinks it's kinda not possible for her to super connect with someone in that way...? Her husband was actually very kind and she did love him, but it wasn't a romantic love situation--almost more daughterly, which is uh, messed up, as he did get her pregnant once so there was a sexual relationship. Yikes! Anyway, her deal with Ruck is much softer and sweeter and what she deserves.

Pippa and The Prince of Secrets by Grace Callaway. FUCK DUDE THIS SHIT. The heroine's husband wooed her and then totally fucked it up during the marriage, such a tool. And so much of this book is about her discovering herself emotionally and sexually with the hero, who was her first kiss when they were kids and is now scarred and ashamed of himself but also deeply capable of throwing it the fuck down. I need to reread this. God.

The Viper and The Recruit by Monica McCarty both star widowed heroines whose husbands frankly were dicks, and they both end up with men (in The Viper he's a grouchy asshole who hates women because of his mean wife which is difficult to sell but it works here, and in The Recruit he's a Hapless Slut who really bit off more than he could chew lol) who actually fuck ridiculous, very happy for them.

The Raven Prince by Elizabeth Hoyt has a widow whose husband actually, I think, got another lady pregnant while he was married to her. Nice! Anyway, she's fully unaware of what good sex is but she does know sex and desire and stuff, which is why it is extra difficult when she starts developing a lust for her ugly (HIDEOUS! HE HAS POCKMARKS!) boss.

Any Duchess Will Do by Tessa Dare has a normal, unwidowed shopgirl heroine who is pretty blunt with the hero about being experienced, but it's all been pretty mid.

Duke of Sin by Elizabeth Hoyt has a non-virgin heroine who like... they don't get into it, but I definitely got the sense that she'd only had mid sex. It's honestly very funny because after they fuck for the first time he's like (and he is CRAZY) "huh. you weren't a virgin I guess" and she's like "is that an issue...?" and he's all "oh no I mean if it was non-consensual I'll just have to go kill the dude but if it was consensual I guess I was just surprised anyway on to my evil schemes"

The Perfect Crimes of Marian Hayes by Cat Sebastian is a perfect example. Widowed heroine (who becomes a widow.... very interestingly) whose relationship with her husband was AWFUL. What's cool about her sex life with the hero is that she's basically like "I don't like penetrative sex and I can't get pregnant again ever because I cannot stand it", and he's like "ok cool then" and they have sex in other ways. It's great.

Heartbreaker by Sarah MacLean. I believe Adelaide has had sex before but mentions it being mid, and the Duke of Clayborn's ability to satisfy her praise kink is a game changer lol

The Marquess Makes His Move by Diana Quincy. The heroine is actually married when she meets the hero, and her husband is this shitty motherfucker who has her make these maps, and then HE takes credit for the maps. Anyway, the sex is understandably bleh. THANK GOD FOR THE HERO WHO'S DISGUISED AS A FOOTMAN TO TAKE HIS REVENGE ON HER HUSBAND.

Between the Devil and Desire by Lorraine Heath. Olivia's relationship with her husband wasn't abusive, but it was distant and the sex was basically there to produce an heir and didn't happen after she did. So her entire relationship with Jack Dodger is her suddenly discovering what being horny is like. Which happens immediately after she meets him, much to her chagrin. Like I can't get over how the opening pages in her POV are like "FUCK. SHIT. FUCK." looking at him. She's all "this BEASTLY man" while squirming in her chair

Then Came You by Lisa Kleypas has Lily, who was seduced by this charlatan type. But it was not all he made it out to be, sexually speaking. Enter Alex, with whom she has a SIZZLING tension even though they totally hate each other for sure! This book is what people thought Kanthony was, I'm gonna be real real.

A Scot in the Dark by Sarah MacLean. The heroine is not a widow, but she slept with an artist who again is not all he said he was, which does lead to her having to steal back a nude painting he did of her with the help of her guardian, a Big Scottish Man.

#romance novel blogging #book recs #romance novels

[iqxys]

I CANT STOP THINKIGN ABOUT THEM RAHHH anyway here’s Kiryn coming out (in two ways) to Taliesin and Taliesin realizing ‘oh no he’s kinda cute wtf do I like him like that?’

somewhat based on my own coming out experience

maybe ooc Taliesin??? I'm so bad at writing characters that aren't my own LMAO

Kiryn: Taliesin? I have something for you. (Kiryn holds out a small wooden fox painted orange and white.)

Taliesin: A gift? (Taliesin accepts the gift. It fits perfectly in the palm of his hand.)

Kiryn: It may seem a bit childish but in my family, we give handmade gifts to show our appreciation. It’s like gifts for a birthday.

Taliesin: (Taliesin studies the gift and smiles. It’s adorable.) Thank you. Would you mind telling me more about this family tradition?

Kiryn: (Kiryn sits near the fire and crosses his legs.) There isn’t much to tell about it other than the fact that it’s been a family tradition since the Second Era. (He smiles as he remembers a story his father told him.) It’s actually how my dad proposed to my mom. He made her a necklace and a ring out of her favorite flowers and took her to the river near our home to propose. He gave her the necklace first as a birthday gift and when she was distracted with that he pulled out the ring.

Taliesin: (Taliesin listens intently as Kiryn talks. The Bosmer spends most of his time with a closed mouth and only ever talks if he absolutely needs to.)

Kiryn: He taught me how to make the ring when I was young so I could propose the same way.

Taliesin: Will you?

Kiryn: (Kiryn is thankful for the wooden dragon priest mask that hides his expression.) I’m unsure. I’ve yet to have my first kiss so marriage hasn’t been on my mind. Even then it wouldn’t be a traditional wedding. (Kiryn wraps his arms around his legs and shifts closer to the fire.)

Taliesin: Why is that? (Kiryn stays silent for what feels like hours and Taliesin feels he may have overstepped a boundary.) I’m sorry if I’ve—

Kiryn: No, no it’s okay. I suppose it’s time I tell you anyway. (Kiryn takes a deep breath and clears his throat.) I enjoy the company of men far more than women.

Taliesin: When did you realize? (Kiryn relaxes as he realizes Taliesin isn’t like his ‘friends’ back home.)

Kiryn: When I was around fourteen. My mom kept going on and on about how pretty all the girls were in the city but I never felt any attraction towards them no matter how hard I tried. I even tried dating a girl that was just the tiniest bit attractive to me but I couldn’t bring myself to. It felt like I was lying to her and she was so sweet. It felt wrong and I still feel horrible about it. (Kiryn starts to tear up and looks away from Taliesin.)

Taliesin: (Taliesin notices the way Kiryn looks away and moves to sit beside him.) You shouldn’t feel bad about it. Does she?

Kiryn: No, I don’t think so. We stopped talking years ago. (Kiryn’s voice is softer than usual and breaks slightly.)

Taliesin: Then she probably doesn’t remember. And you shouldn’t either. You were young and wanted to fit in to what you thought was normal.

Kiryn: (The walls Kiryn had built over the years start crumbling and he grabs the chin of his mask. He hesitates for a moment before pulling it off. He was a little pale for a Bosmer and had slightly freckled skin. His eyes were a dark red and a small but noticeable scar crossed over the bridge of his nose. He pushes his blond hair back, mindful of his antlers. He sets the mask down and bites the inside of his cheek as he turns to Taliesin. The taller elf, with about a million thoughts running through his mind, simply smiles.)

Taliesin: Has anyone ever told you that you look divine? (Kiryn’s face flushes and the urge to put his mask back on starts growing.)

Kiryn: That’s…I-I don’t think— (Kiryn looks away and closes his mouth before he can say anything that will likely embarrass him. Taliesin ignores the way his heart starts to race and keeps his smile up. He has always seen his relationship with Kiryn as friendly and nothing more. He waits for Kiryn to respond but he never does. Taliesin's smile wavers for just a moment and he stands. Kiryn quickly grabs his wrist and stands with him. Tears stain Kiryn’s cheeks and he hugs the Altmer tight, almost afraid to let go.)

(abrupt ending, completely forgot this in my drafts and it's been at least two weeks since I thought about this lol!! anyway this is supposed to be like the night before they confessed their feelings and got all soft on each other)

I'm never doing this again

#pls. who let me write. #taliesin skyrim #OC Kiryn Sathil #the elder scrolls v: skyrim #skyrim

[genericpuff]

Fun fact, the story of Hades and Persephone has actually been romanticized since long before Twilight came out. Never mind antiquity, but in terms of modern media, the earliest example I can think of comes from Hercules: the Legendary Journeys, where the episode that retells the Homeric Hymn to Demeter came out in 1995! And if we do account for antiquity, the Ancient Greeks themselves saw the marriage as ideal and there actually are a few ancient sources that basically have Persephone preferring Hades and the Underworld to being aboveground with Demeter, but it should also be noted that these sources are Roman and not Greek (specifically Virgil's Georgics and Lucan's Pharsalia).

Don't get me wrong, Twilight definitely had a lot of influence here, I just thought I'd point out that this interpretation of the myth has been around for way longer than most people probably realize.

Oh I know, but that's sort of next to the point I was trying to make in that previous post. When I compared it to Twilight I guess like... I'm comparing it to the entire genre and trend of shitty manipulative romances being both romanticized as well as turned into "global phenomenons". Like they were romanticized before but at least they were just shitty cheap books in the back of the bookstore, you know? Now that they're turned into these big Hollywood fiascos, it makes it even easier to normalize these types of relationships and concepts. Even if we look back on Twilight and 50 Shades now and call it out for what it is, there are still a lot of people who absorbed those books/films in incredibly damaging ways (especially younger audiences in Twilight's case). You are what you eat, is what I'm saying. And it's a much bigger problem than LO but I do think LO is a symptom of the problem, which is - instead of stories being written by men through a toxic male gaze in which women are objectified and hypersexualized and men are told not to cry, now we have stories being written by woman through a toxic female gaze in which women are "empowered" by being carried around like dolls by an emotionally stunted man who wants to cry but just whips them in the bedroom instead.

It's still pretty much the male gaze but with extra steps.

IDK if I'm explaining that well though LMAO Obviously I don't want to generalize and reduce the entire dark romance genre to its worst writers but this is why it annoys me to no end that stories like Twilight, After, 50 Shades, and LO keep getting propelled to the forefront of the genre zeitgeist. It makes the people who aren't a bunch of creeps writing their kinky self-insert power fantasies look bad just by affiliation. And it sets an incredibly shitty standard for those who are introduced to the genre through these works.

The reality is (and I'm speaking very candidly here from my own experiences so take with grains of salt if you must, you don't have to agree) being a woman - or being an under-represented minority/individual in general, whether you're LGBTQ+ or neurodivergent or POC - doesn't mean you're magically protected from thinking or writing the same stuff as the problematic majority. You are what you eat. If you grew up consuming toxic heteronormative content (which EVERYONE does because it's FUCKING EVERYWHERE LMAO) then of course you're gonna go on to write the same stuff unless you challenge it in some way, either by reading other opinions that don't "play it safe" just to look good, or reading other content entirely that isn't subject to the norm of "what's popular". Always be willing to broaden your horizons and don't forget - just because it makes a lot of money doesn't automatically mean it's good.

#that turned into an essay oops- #lore olympus critical #lo critical #anti lore olympus #antiloreolympus #ama #ask me anything #anon ask me anything #anon ama

[taegularities]

Wait I wanna know more about the guy who fucked up, if you feel comfortable of course

Do we need to bring our pitchforks or just hate mail ⚔️

wait i'm actually... ksjdksad i don't like talking about someone like that, but i do need to vent, if that's okay? jkdshkasf i've been bottling it up and only talked about it properly to my mom and dad :'')

the first few weeks, he was really sweet? like he'd buy me gifts and compliment me and tell me how much he admired my personality. i think he's not a bad person per se, but he's extremely old-fashioned and narrow-minded.

i saw the first red flag when he called me and ended up speaking about marriage. which is okay, you know. like, i'm alright with being open right from the beginning. but that convo brought in a few very strange happenings in the following few weeks, which included but aren't limited to

him asking, "you're not one of those girls who'd wanna wait for years after marriage before having children, right?".. i tell him, well yes, i am. do you want kids right away or? and he says.. "9 months isn't right away." ok.

him saying he's too lazy to clean his apartment, and "how about i pick you up, bring you here, go away for the weekend and when i come back, you'll have it all cleaned!"

him offending my entire occupation that i studied for for years, because he had a bad experience with people in that department. i understand, but i did tell him not all of us are the same, and he said "idc, they don't deserve any respect", which essentially means that i don't either.

him looking at me weird when i said that tom holland's lip sync battle is one of my all-time-favourite videos on yt and then telling me, "but it's gay af." and just generally not being a fan of the lgbtiqa+ community.

him saying that once he's a dad, he'll be strict and not allow his kids to do anything. he just? talked about having kids a lot? even told me, when i almost choked on smoking hot food, "don't die, i still need like 3 kids from you"

and what made me abandon him for good: i asked him why he's always so excited about marriage, which is okay, but just wanna know! he says people usually want to get married bc they love their partner, but idk why... for me it's cos i want kids. in that case, i noticed he wasn't there for me, but just bc i'm fertile (or so i hope)

that day, i said he should want a girl for more than that. he said, "i know, after all you're not a child factory". i tell him yup that's right... and he proceeds to joke, as he called all his offensive shit, "but you could be." and that's where i bid him goodbye.

there goes. i was in a strange mood after that? i think i even dipped from tumblr for a moment. my parents were a bit worried, but then i realised that i felt a lot better without him. god i'm not ready for relationships lmao, but i won't fight love. when it happens, it happens... so fingers crossed for something better <3

#tw sexism & homophobia #this was a huge ramble lmfao i apologise 💀 #lolll no hate mail tho it's okay 😭 #might delete later but had to get it off my chest :') ty for asking bby <3 #notes for rid 🌹 #anon

[milfhandholder]

Random Grell thingz I've accumulated in my head bcs I'm delusional but without context bcs I am going to write a legit novel abt this woman one day

Idc what anyone says, I am an avid believer of the fact that Grell has always been considered beautiful by her peers even in her human life

LIKE SHE'S THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER SUITOR OF HER SEASON, SHE WAS AN IT GIRL BEFORE THEY KNEW WHAT AN IT GIRL IS

She's so beautiful that the Victorians could've started kpop PC first bcs of her and trade them like actual kpoppers

Grell always knew about her being queer (minus actual label bcs Victorian era duh) but not about her gender

"Wait so you people don't fantasize about having boobs? Not at all? No?"

It was maybe 6 years into her reaper life when she finally got the memo that "hey girlie, you're actually a girl"

Her crisis went a bit like this: straight man -> gay man?? -> 'oh no I like girls too' bi man -> died LMAO -> 'I hate everyone and I hate my gender' questioning -> 'maybe I have no gender at all. I like girls though' (she was exclusive to girls only so I guess??lesbian?? Who cheered) -> transwoman questioning -> !! transwoman bi !!

Was in a 'lavender marriage' with a closeted lesbian for maybe 2 - 3 years before her suicide. Grell sort of fell in love with her but understandably never confessed. Fast forward to present time AND GRELL IS HITTING THE FLOOR, SCREAMING, CRYING

She had a lot of rage as a young reaper because she never really got over 'my parents suck' mindset that stood by her as she died

HATED WILLIAM. As much as I love the OVA, I will stand by my words that it would’ve been so much more interesting if Grell buried / was embarassed about her crush and acted like a dick towards him BECAUSE WHY, OF ALL THE MEN IN DISPATCH, DID IT HAVE TO BE WILLIAM T SPEARS

Mellowed out eventually and cool character development happened

Has more experience with and confidence in dating girls, she's very anxious (and perhaps frightful) about men reciprocating her advances

Being made "an experience" does that to you

Fun fact: she's the first and only woman William ever had a crush on. Good taste dude

She was projecting her ex wife A LOT onto Madam but it's ok bcs it was vice versa you see, Madam projected too BUT THEN THESE BITCHES TALKED IT OUT and everything is all ok and cool and OH GOD GRELL NOOOOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭

Speaks German and French, is the go to translator for German Dispatch businesses until Ludger (and eventually Sascha joined in as a bonus and a translator) was forced to sharpen his English

Now for the E discourse.... someone made a typo one day and she went with it

Grell: You see, when you go to France, they make you get a name in French. That's why I can go by Grell Sutcliff or Grelle Sutcliffe

Ron, an idiot who has never been anywhere except his hometown: oh shit fr??

Eric's her first ACTUAL reaper friend which is sad ngl LMAOOO

Firm believer that the reapers have mentorships for gifted students that started in Ron's year and that Grell was her mentor READ MY RON FIC, IM OBSESSED WITH THEM

Mentoring Ron (aka a few years before Jack the Ripper) was the moment where she was the healthiest, mentally

Then she divorced Madam, had a falling out with William and oops she regressed el em ao. Don't tell any of her friends though, they'd start annoying her to get better

People older and the same age as her are wildly terrified of her. This is in contrast to (most) juniors who are so in love with the idea of her

Harbors a lot of guilt, grief, rage, anger, jealousy, insecurity, narcissism, etc. She's just a good actress

Her butler persona was her mocking three people at once: her father's (brunette) appearance, her mother's wish for Grell to be more obedient, and Grell's old self that let people walk all over her for the sake of maintaining her family name

Her family is rich rich though she can't remember for what. She doesn't really care eitherway so

Can be very insensitive!! It doesn't help that she's friends with people who'd give the same energy back (Eric and Othello) or people who just don't care enough (William)

She learned how to hold her tongue when she realized Ron was genuinely upset with her rude comments. Ironically, Ron learned how to have thicker skin because of said comments

Likes dogs, sorry Sebastian

Good at fencing! Not much else in other sports!!

She hates sports sm, they make her sweat and they are tedious and they're exhausting and THEY'RE BORING

The only ranged weapon she'd try out is a gun.

She's no wuss

Yeah that's all that I can think of lmao

#as you can see I am very normal abt her #God she never left she lives in a mansion in my head since the early 2010s #kuroshitsuji #black butler #grell sutcliff #kuroshitsuji grell #kuroshitpost