#this whole CT thing makes much more sense now knowing the play was supposed to be produced for RDS originally | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-bau-quinjet · 3 years

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Nervous

Hello! This is honestly just a bunch of fluff (a tiny bit of angst bc Spencer worries about everything) and the reader being very nervous! I am currently writing a sequel to take place directly after this one! Read part two here!

Summary: Reader is arrested by the BAU! Little do they know, she is dating the one agent who is currently on medical leave...

warnings: none!

Word Count: 4954

“Are you sure you can pick her up today?” You are currently running around your apartment, phone held to your ear with your shoulder. You have to be at work in fifteen minutes, but first you have to drop your daughter off at school, and you’re running very late.

“Babe, yes. I’m almost completely healed and I don’t go back to work until tomorrow. I’ll pick her up after school and then meet you at your apartment when you’re done working. Okay?” Thank God for Spencer Reid. He has been on medical leave for 5 days, slowly going insane. But, it meant more time for you and Lily to spend with him, so you’re not complaining.

“That’s perfect, thank you so much! I gotta go, I love you!” You are in such a daze, you don’t stop to think about the three words that just came out of your mouth. You hang up before Spencer can respond as you wrestle with your six year old to put shoes on. Grabbing both of your coats, you run out the door.

You met Spencer Reid 9 months ago when he came into the hospital you work in with a concussion and some pretty bad bruises. It was really a chance meeting. Normally, you don’t even deal with patients because you work in research. But, your best friend asked you to run some lab results to a patient’s room and you couldn’t say no. Dr. Spencer Reid happened to be that patient.

He wasn’t supposed to be in the room, but apparently something happened with the CT schedule, and he was done earlier than expected. So, instead of simply dropping off forms in an empty room, you hit a man with a door. Why he was standing behind the door is still a mystery to you, but you felt awful. This man is in the hospital and to make matters worse, you come along and hit him! With a door! You offered to get him some coffee as an apology, and in his concussed state he said “Only if we can go together.” You’ve since realized that was smoother than he normally acts, but you don’t care. He is the most lovable man you’ve ever met.

You met up for coffee three days later, and have been dating ever since. He met your daughter, Lily, on the second date. They clicked instantly. You knew then and there that you would love this man forever. You have not, however, actually said I love you before this morning. But, you’re still in too much of a rush to stop and think about it… or even realize it happened.

You pull into the parking garage at the hospital 7 minutes late. Honestly, better than you expected. The morning flies by as you work on research grants and hospital studies. All in all, a pretty average day. That is, until you walk back into the building from your lunch break.

You don’t get a lot of visitors in the research wing, so it’s strange to see two pretty official looking individuals at the front desk. It’s even stranger to hear your name come out of one of their mouths.

“Hi there. We are Agents Morgan and Rossi from the FBI. We’re looking Ms. Y/N L/N. Is she here?” That must have been Morgan talking.

Spencer has told you a lot about his team. You feel like you know them all already with how many stories he’s told you. You’ve been hesitant to meet them though because of Lily. You don’t want her to get too attached to him and his friends if things were to go sideways. You haven’t really dated anyone since her father, so you’re a bit nervous. Spencer, of course, completely understands. He just wants you to be happy. It’s hard not to love him even more at the thought.

You are immediately thrown into a panic at the sight of the two agents. Your thoughts are running wild with possibilities. They must be here because something happened to Spencer. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. He’s not even working today.

Your panicked train of thought pulls to a stop when the two agents walk up to you. “Ms. L/N? Can we speak with you for a moment?” You nod, leading them toward your office.

“Of course. My office is just down the hall.” You can’t help but feel nervous at the prospect of meeting Spencer’s coworkers without him. Especially if it has to do with a case they’re working. These are the people he loves most in the world. They are his family. What if they don’t like you? What if they think you’re an idiot? What if they think Spencer can do better? It also doesn’t help that you know they can tell you’re nervous because you know they are profilers. You sit down behind your desk, offering them the seats on the opposite side.

“Ms. L/N, you’re in charge of the research department, correct?” Rossi says it like a question, but he clearly knows the answer.

“That’s right.” You are trying everything you can to get your nerves to settle, but it just isn’t working. You’re basically lying to two human lie detectors, even if it is just by omission.

“So if items were to go missing from this laboratory, you would be responsible for reporting it.” It was Morgan who spoke this time. It’s hard for you to follow their line of questioning. What would go missing? It’s not like you wouldn’t notice if a fume hood suddenly disappeared.

“I suppose so, although it depends on what items. We don’t have a specific inventory of commonly used products like syringes and gauze, we just order more when we get low.” You can’t decide which agent to focus on. Your eyes are flicking nervously between both of them.

“What about human tissue?” When the words come out of Morgan’s mouth, you freeze for just a second. You don’t have any human tissue in the lab, so how would it go missing? Of course, the profilers take the delay in your response to mean something other than confusion.

“We- we don’t use human tissue in this specific laboratory. We focus on small animal models. The other research lab is responsible for human tissue protocols.” You stutter through your words under the harsh glares of the two agents. It is really not helping your nerves.

“Then how do you explain this?” Rossi slides a paper across your desk. It’s housed in a large plastic bag with “EVIDENCE” across the top in big, block letters. It’s a form you have never seen before. The kind someone would fill out to transfer human tissue between labs. Your hands shake as you hold the paper, slowly trying to figure out what it is. You almost puke when you reach the bottom. It has your signature as an approval of the request. You drop the paper as if it has burned you.

“I’ve never- I didn’t- how did-” You’re cut off before you can try to finish your sentence, but you don’t hear what they are saying. You feel the cold click of metal around your wrists, tight enough to just pinch your skin. They lead you back out of the building, to a waiting SUV. You can’t help but be grateful that nobody was there to witness your arrest.

The ride to Quantico is silent. You keep trying to figure out how someone could have signed your name on that form, but you can’t focus. Your mind keeps drifting to memories with Spencer.

You remember your first date in the coffee shop a block away from the hospital. He ordered a black coffee only to pour in an exorbitant amount of sugar. He blushed slightly, as if he was embarrassed by his drink preferences, only for his features to transform into a soft smile as you did exactly the same thing. The two of you talked for hours, only ending the date when you had to go pick up Lily.

You remember running into him in the park with Lily, what you would come to refer to as your second date. He looked ethereal sitting at a table playing chess. Lily ran up to him, or rather the chess board he was sitting in front of, before you could stop her. She wanted to know what the horsey was for. You watched as he patiently explained to the five year old that it was a knight responsible for defending the king.

He told her how it moves on the board. He told her how it was special because it is the only piece that can jump over other pieces. He must have spent 15 minutes talking to her about this one piece. And she was enthralled. When he was done, he looked around to find the child’s parents only to meet your eye. You’ll never forget the way his smile grew when he realized Lily was yours. The three of you spent the rest of the day in the park, playing chess, walking around the pond, and getting to know each other.

You remember the look in his eyes right after he kissed you the first time. You remember how worried you were the first time he was injured on a case. You remember Lily asking you if he could be her daddy, and crying yourself to sleep that night because you wanted that too, more than anything, and you were so scared it wasn’t going to happen.

Then you finally remember he’s picking Lily up from school today. Suddenly, the car ride isn’t so quiet anymore.

“I need to call someone.” The words come out frantic and rushed. You are absolutely sure the expression on your face screams crazy, but this is about your kid, so you really don’t care. You need to call Spencer. Then he’ll come fix this. Explain how you couldn’t possibly be involved. The agent’s response is shorter than you expected.

“Why?” Rossi sounds skeptical when he asks it. You would later suppose that he had a reason to be skeptical of you. Right now though? You didn’t do anything wrong so the whole innocent until proven guilty thing feels a little fake to you at the moment.

“My boyfriend is picking up my daughter from school. I need to call him.” You don’t really know how to tell them said boyfriend is one Dr. Spencer Reid. You weren’t supposed to meet his friends yet and definitely not without him. You aren’t really in the right headspace to be deciding if right now is the best moment to out your relationship.

“If he’s already planning on picking her up, you shouldn’t need to call him.” It feels to you at this moment that they don’t even believe you have a child. Of course, they must know because they have the one and only Penelope Garcia to find out every little thing about you. Before you can say anything else, they are dragging you out of the SUV and into the building. You are pushed through security into an elevator that takes you to the fifth floor. The BAU. You thought the first time you visited Spencer’s work would be a happier occasion. And that he would be here. The whole situation would actually be kind of funny if you weren’t so worried and nervous.

The first thing you say when you are lead through the very intimidating glass doors is “JJ.” You would come to understand why that might earns some stares. The whole room is looking at you as if you have grown another head.

“How do you know my name?” That’s a loaded question. Spencer has showed you pictures of his godson, Henry. JJ happened to be in some of those pictures as he is in fact, her son. Of course, you can’t really articulate that because you are too stressed and nervous to form full sentences. It takes a lot out of a person to be arrested, dragged from their place of work, shoved in a car, driven two hours through DC traffic, and then pulled into the FBI building as a suspect.

Instead of properly calming yourself down until you can form a complete sentence, your eyes go wide and you say “Henry” as if that is enough of an explanation. If looks could kill, you would be dead.

“How do you know my son’s name?” JJ’s words are so harsh, you physically flinch.

“I.. it’s just that… You… Well… I-” You are a loss for words, yet again. You didn’t expect for Spencer’s best friend to ever look at you with such disgust. It’s honestly a little overwhelming to think the people he calls family all currently hate you. Even if they don’t really know who you are.

“Maybe a few hours in here will jog your memory.” And with that you’re left alone to sit in a cold metal chair and stare at your reflection.

Throughout your relationship, Spencer has tried not to worry. You frequently come home from work a bit later than you originally planned, especially if you feel like you got a late start. So, when you don’t enter your apartment right at 5:30, he doesn’t think anything of it. When 6:00 rolls around, he texts you. At 6:30 he calls. By the time it reaches 7:00 and he still hasn’t heard from you, he’s actively pacing your small living room. When his most recent call goes to voicemail, he breaks. He packs up Lily’s stuff and the two of them are on the way to Quantico, finding you being the only thing on his mind.

He replays his favorite moments with you in his mind as he drives from your DC apartment to Quantico. Normally, he’d take the metro, but if you really are missing it’s safer for Lily in the car.

He remembers the look on your face when you realized you hit him with a door. He couldn’t imagine a more beautiful person. You looked so guilty, he felt the need to hug you to tell you it was okay. It was a foreign feeling for him. He’s never been one to physically comfort people. Maybe it was the concussion. It was definitely the concussion that gave him the courage to ask you to coffee.

He remembers the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach when he watched you pour almost as much sugar as him into your coffee. The soft smile on your face as the two of you spent hours talking about anything he could think of to keep the conversation from ending.

He remembers the utter joy he felt upon realizing the five year old who inquired about the horsey on the chess board is your daughter. He remembers how he felt when he looked up, expecting to find an annoyed parent given that he just lectured a five year old on one chess piece for 15 minutes, but was instead met with your kind smile and loving eyes. He loves Lily just as much, if not more than he loves you.

He remembers how you hung up the phone this morning before he could say “I love you too.” And now the thoughts he’s tried so hard to block out are circling in his mind. The words repeating in his head, over and over. What if I never see her again? What if I can’t tell her I love her?

He pulls into the garage, carrying Lily so he can run faster into the building. He puts her down when they finally reach the elevator. She’s been surprisingly calm despite Spencer’s nervous attitude.

“Spencie, where is Momma?” Spencer’s heart constricts at the sound of her sweet voice. He doesn’t know where you are, and it terrifies him.

“We are going to find out! How would you like to see my desk? You can play with the cube I showed you at home!” He pulls a Rubik’s cube out of his satchel, placing it in Lily’s small hands. He guides Lily to his desk, telling her to stay there while he looks for his friends. She looks so tiny in his desk chair, he would stop to take a picture if his phone had that feature.

He finds the team in the round table room. His eyes scan the room, landing on JJ’s concerned expression last. He’s surprised to find Will in the room as well. JJ notices him before anyone else.

“Spence, thank God you’re here. We need fresh eyes.” Before he can protest, Morgan is filling him in on the events that have unfolded.

“We brought a suspect in from DC, and she knew JJ.” Spencer’s eyes go wide. If the team is in trouble, that could be why Y/N was taken.

“When I asked her how she knew me, her only response was ‘Henry.’ Something doesn’t add up.” Movement in the doorway catches everyone’s eye.

“Spencie, did you find Momma yet?” Lily stands in the doorway, looking straight at Spencer.

“Not yet sweetheart. I have some cookies in my bag, why don’t you go back to my desk and eat them, okay?”

“Can I have two?” The little girl holds up two of her tiny fingers, unaware of the confused glances from every adult in the room that isn’t Spencer.

“Of course, sweet pea. Whatever you want. You can even spin around in my chair!” The child nods before running back to Spencer’s desk. Spencer turns around to find all eyes on him. The entire team wears similar expressions of shock and awe.

“Spencie?” Derek questions the nickname.

“Sweetheart?” JJ’s more focused on how Spencer responded.

“Who the heck was that 'sweet pea’ and why have you kept her from me?” Garcia is glaring at Spencer for hiding such a cutie pie from her for however long.

“She’s why I’m here. Well not her, her mother. We’ve been dating for the last 9 months. I picked up Lily from school today. We were supposed to meet back at her apartment, but she never came home. She’s not answering my calls and I don’t know where she could be.” Spencer breaks down as he tries to explain what’s going on. He can’t imagine a world without you in it.

“Reid, give Garcia her phone number to track her location. This could all be related to our case. If someone is targeting the BAU, we will find them.” Hotch’s no nonsense tone calms everyone in the room. Again, movement in the doorway catches everyone’s attention.

“Sir, she keeps saying she can explain everything. I know you said 3 hours, but I think she’s ready now.”

“Thank you, Anderson. We’ll be right there.” The agent leaves without another word. Hotch turns back to continue filling Spencer in on the case. “Reid, we’ve got a suspect in custody. She doesn’t match the profile, but we think she knows something.”

“She mentioned a boyfriend in the car. He might know something too.” Morgan pipes in as well.

“I want to talk to her. If she knows where Y/N is, I have to talk to her.” Spencer is out of the room before anyone can stop him. He’s practically running across the bullpen to get to the interrogation room.

“Y/N?” Morgan questions to the agents left in the round table room.

You are so cold. They must have the air turned down to put you on edge. You have finally calmed yourself down enough to form actual sentences instead of useless mumbling.

“Please. Let me explain! I can tell you everything. Well, not everything, because I don’t know how my signature ended up on that paper, but I can tell you about JJ! And Henry! Let me explain!” You never thought about how weird it would be to know someone could be watching your every move. You feel like you’re talking to nobody as you beg for them to let you explain.

The door flies open with so much force, you fall out of your chair in shock. There are hands on you, pulling you to your feet before you’ve even registered hitting the ground.

“Where is sh- Y/N?” Spencer’s tone of voice changes so quickly your brain can’t follow. You just look into his before you burst into tears.

“Oh thank God. Spencer, I was so scared. I was so nervous when Derek and Rossi came to interview me. I didn’t want them to hate me, you know? Even though they didn’t know who I was. And then I saw JJ, and I got even worse. I mean, she’s your best friend! And she sounded so angry, which was my fault, but I couldn’t even form words to explain myself because I was so sure these people- the people you consider family- were going to hate me and I made everything so much worse. But I-” Spencer knows if he doesn’t cut you off, you’ll ramble endlessly. It’s always like that when you spend too much time alone. As if all the energy you could’ve spent talking to someone pours out of you all at once.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay. We can explain everything. I’m so happy to see you. To know you’re okay. God, I love you too.” You turn your tear stained face to look up at him.

“Wha- oh my God. I said that. I didn’t even realize I said it. But it’s true. I love you so much. I can’t imagine a world without you. That’s why I was so nervous about meeting the team. And they wouldn’t let me call you, so I couldn’t ask you what to do.” The two of you continue trying to fill each other in on what has lead you to this moment.

Hotch and JJ make their way into the room without either of you noticing. They both sit down before either speaks. “Reid, I’m going to need you to leave the room.” Spencer turned around with you still in his arms, your head pulled tight to his chest. He glares at his boss before responding. “No. She didn’t do this. The dates from the case file you gave me, they don’t line up. April 17th, we watched the new episode of Doctor Who and spent the rest of the night discussing theories. April 20th, we went to dinner to celebrate Lily’s sixth birthday. April 22nd we watched Tangled with Lily until she fell asleep and then we…” He trailed off, turning a bright shade of pink. You wiggled in his arms, trying to hide the blush on your face as well.

“Spence, where’s Lily?” You know he needs to leave if you are ever actually going to get out of this room.

“She’s at my desk. She looked so tiny in my chair.” He practically has heart eyes as he thinks back to where he left your little girl.

“Why don’t you go tell her you found me? I’ll be okay.” You wipe the remaining tears from your eyes as you sit back down in the cold metal chair. Spencer looks as though he would rather read Twilight again than leave you, but he reluctantly walks out of the room.

You start rambling before the agents get a chance to ask you a question.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve probably wasted so much of your time. I just freaked out when I realized I was meeting Spence’s family. That’s why I know your son’s name.” You turn slightly to look at JJ. “He talks about him all the time, and he’s shown me pictures. I’m so so sorry that you had to worry about your child’s safety because of me. I was just nervous to meet you. That’s why I haven’t met you yet actually. Because I didn’t want Lily to get too attached if something happened and we broke up. Not that I can imagine breaking up with Spencer. I would spend the rest of my life with him if he gave me the chance.” You can feel the tears brimming again. “I really don’t know why my name is on that paper. I never would have signed it! My lab doesn’t use human tissues.” You try to stress that point.

“Ms. L/N, we believe you. We never thought you were responsible, but it was a suspicious situation. You can never be too careful in our line of work.” Hotch still looks extremely serious, but his tone is slightly more relaxed than when he threw you into this room.

“Of course. I would’ve thought I was guilty if I didn’t know the truth. Is there anything I can do to help?” You are so relieved to know they don’t think you’re a crazy murderer.

“We need to ask you a few questions about the people who work in your lab.”

“Oh. Okay.” You have to actively force yourself not to start rambling again.

“Do you know any of these people?” The agent shows you three pictures of young women. They couldn’t be more than 25.

“No…” You can’t put your finger on it, but they look familiar.

“But?” JJ encourages you to continue.

“I’m not sure. They look familiar for some reason.” All three women have brunette hair and green eyes. Their face shapes are even shockingly similar.

“Do you know anyone who looks like these women?” You don’t know how they know that, but you do. They’ve planted the seed, and it instantly grew into a massive oak.

“I do! Her name is Renee. Um... Renee Watkins. She works in the hospital, in the lab where they run blood tests.” You look at the agents with hope in your eyes. Maybe now they’ll let you leave. They both stand up without saying anything else. Hotch leaves first. JJ stares at you for a minute.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just, you’re his best friend. If you hate me, we won’t work. He cares about all of you way too much for me to get in the way of that.” You honestly still feel awful about the unnecessary fear you’ve caused her and her family.

“He cares about you too. He’s been happier than I’ve seen him in years. I knew something was up, but I didn’t want to push him.” You can’t keep your smile off your face at her words. “Let’s forget about all of it. I’m just going to focus on the relief of knowing nobody is after my son.”

“Thank you. I really am so sorry though.” You feel the need to keep apologizing.

“Really, it’s fine. Come with me, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

JJ leads you back to the bullpen. Right as you turn the corner, you can spot Spence playing with Lily and Henry. He’s captivated their attention with a magic trick.

“He’s so good with them.” Almost involuntarily, your hand brushes over your stomach.

“He’s always wanted to be a father.” JJ eyes your hand before giving you a rather pointed look.

“Oh! No, I’m not pregnant.” You let your arm fall back to your side. “He’s just so good with Lily; she asked me if he could be her dad.” You can feel the tears coming again. “I just know that one day I will have that man’s babies.” JJ snorts and suddenly the two of you break out laughing. Your laughter makes enough noise to capture Spencer’s attention, two little pairs of eyes following his lead. All three of them are suddenly running across the room to you and JJ.

Lily jumps into your arms, much as Henry does to JJ. You pull her close, leaning into Spencer as his arms circle around you both. The moment is interrupted when Penelope Garcia comes running into the room.

“I’ve got him. Shane Harrison, 28. He dated Renee Watkins in high school. He was recently fired from his position in the human tissues lab at Children’s National Hospital. There are reports of him breaking in, although nothing was reported stolen due to falsified transfer documents.”

“What made him start killing?” Morgan asks while you and JJ desperately cover the children’s ears.

“Renee recently got engaged. She posted all about her new fiancée on social media. I already texted you the address.” JJ says a rushed goodbye to Will and the team is out the door. Lily runs back over Spencer’s desk with Henry so she can show him the Rubik’s cube.

“Aren’t you going to help them?” You turn to Spencer who hasn’t left your side.

“I think they can manage this one without me. I’m needed somewhere else at the moment.” As if to prove his point, he leans in to kiss you. It’s short and sweet and everything you needed at the moment.

The sound of someone clearing their throat pulls the two of you out of your bubble.

“Hi, I’m Penelope Garcia. I’m sure the Genius Doctor has told you all about me.”

“He has indeed. You’re even lovelier in person.” Garcia is just as bright and bubbly as Spencer described her. It makes you smile to think that the team has her never ending positivity while they are surrounded by so much darkness.

“We are having a team gathering at Rossi’s tomorrow night. You should both come. And Lily!” Garcia smiles again before walking away.

“You know that means we have to go, right?” Spencer asks you the obvious question.

“I know honey. You’re afraid of what Garcia could do to you if you get on her bad side.” You laugh at his pout, pulling him down the stairs and over to Lily. It’s about time you all head home.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #Criminal Minds #spencer reid fluff #criminal minds x reader #spencer #spencer reid one shot #mgg

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imagining-in-the-margins · 4 years

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Here to Misbehave (Pt. 17 | S.R.)

Summary: Spencer is concerned about Reader’s growing impulsiveness, but Reader is the one who gets a call from JJ asking if she can come get her boyfriend. Couple: Spencer/Fem!Reader   Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+)   Content Warning: Discussions of drugs, death/dying, suicide, overdose; Alcohol, addiction, oral (male receiving), handjob, fingering, Daddy Kink, fights, PTSD, hospital talk, drunk smut w/ blanket consent Word Count: 12.5k

MASTERLIST

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When I opened the front door, I realized that I had returned to an empty home. I wasn’t sure which was weirder; the realization that the house was empty, or the fact that I was referring to her apartment as my home. It certainly had started to feel that way.

It never stopped being a shock that I would find a home in someone so quickly and with such little self-awareness. I'd certainly never suspected that the house we’d be in would also be shared with several other people, all of whom were significantly younger than me and shared almost no similarities with me beyond our love for (y/n).

And even if it wasn’t the weirder of the two realizations, the fact that she wasn’t there was definitely the more troubling one. I tried to gather at least a little evidence before I called her; I wasn’t exactly excited about being blindsided again. Judging by the red solo cups that were scattered in the kitchen, I had an idea of how her friends had spent the night. The fact that no one was here led me to another conclusion that I desperately hoped was inaccurate.

Her phone rang four times before she picked up, which was strange in itself. When she did pick up, she sounded like I expected her to. Tired. Groggy.

“Hello?”

“Hey little girl, where are you?” I hoped she couldn’t hear the fumbling of my keys in my pocket, or any other sign of just how anxious I’d gotten in the last three minutes. “Oh. I’m sorry, Spencer, I forgot I was supposed to see you today.” She mumbled, sounding genuinely apologetic if not a little confused.

“You… forgot?” I repeated, quickly making my way over to the calendar hung on a bulletin board outside the kitchen, noting the nothingness over both the current and following week.

“Yeah, I guess I got carried away with school.”

She was lying. I couldn’t be for sure about what, but it was obvious. If she was really having that much trouble with classes, she would have told me. We’d gotten past the whole insecurity over me thinking she was stupid thing a long time ago, and she knew I would always let her learn it on her own if she didn’t want my help.

“... What are you not telling me?” I tried to make the words playful, although my hand was now nervously patting the side of my hip at an alarming rate.

“Nothing! I just got distracted. I’m... a little busy today so we should just meet up again next weekend.”

“A week?” I knew she was probably getting tired of me parroting her words, but that just seemed like a ludicrous amount of time. Usually, we went barely a day or two without seeing each other when I was in the city, cherishing the time together when I wasn't called away to attend to crimes halfway across the country.

“What’s going on?” My voice was quickly falling into that register that warned her I was about to start profiling her, whether I wanted to or not. And unfortunately, she chose the worst possible reaction to that warning, further tipping me off to the fact that something wasn't quite right.

“Spencer, stop being weird.”

But I wasn’t. I knew that I could be weird; it’s kind of my thing. If you looked up weird in the dictionary, you wouldn’t find my name, but you’d definitely find a description that perfectly characterized my personality.

“You’re the one being weird. Turn on your camera.”

“I can’t. It’s dark in here.” She shot back her answer so quickly, I knew that she had already anticipated the request.

“Then move.” I ordered more than suggested. She understandably didn’t take kindly to my reaction, but I know she also knew why I was doing it. The excuses she was giving weren’t even well thought out.

“What is this? An interrogation?” She scoffed, “Do you think I’m cheating on you with barely dissolved stitches in my intestines?”

I took a deep breath, sitting down at the kitchen table still sticky with leftover sugary liquor and turned the phone onto speaker. “Turn it on.” This time, my voice broke with the order. As much as that didn’t make it sound authoritative, it did make her feel guilty.

As the screen lit up, it all made sense in the worst possible way. She was forcing a fake smile, her other hand resting against her face in a failed attempt to draw attention away from the the mottled skin of her left eye.

“I’m not cheating on you. Happy?” The words were sharp on her tongue, an anger in her features paired well with the understanding that I wasn’t wrong to be worried. I honestly think that was what bothered her the most – that she wanted it to be nothing, for me to be overreacting, but knew that it was a little more serious that she let on.

“I’m definitely not happy. What happened?” I was already at the door by the time the sentence ended... She shut off her camera just as quickly, hearing the commotion from my side. “Where are you? I’m coming right now.”

She sighed, and I could see it clearly despite the fact that she wasn’t on my screen anymore. “I don’t want you to come here. Spencer, I’m fine.”

I might have believed her. I might have honestly given her the benefit of the doubt – let her lie to me a little, and just accept that a black eye wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. Eventually, she would tell me how she got it, so I wouldn’t need to worry about it.

But it became very obvious very quickly that it was not just a black eye.

“Ms. (Y/l/n)?” A third voice announced in the background, accompanied by the distinct sound of an alarm sounding in the distance.

“... Are you in a hospital?!”

“For fucks sake. I hate dating a profiler.” She grumbled, implicitly admitting that my conclusion was right. She wouldn’t let me have another word, speedily slurring her goodbye. “I have to go, Spencer. I’ll call you later. Love you!”

—————————————————

Anyone who has spent a long time in inpatient knows that nosy nurses are both the best and worst kind of people to be assigned to your stay. They were the best because they always had the best gossip and would spend their precious little free time sharing stories about their lives that were always more entertaining than whatever poorly budgeted gameshow was on the old, staticky television.

They were the worst because one wrong move meant that you were the subject of gossip. And boy, were they good at getting it out of you.

“Trouble in paradise?” She sweetly hummed as she pushed my bed down the hall.

I wanted to tell her that there was trouble, and that it was through no fault of my own. If the other people in the hospital didn’t have the audacity to be sick at the same time that I needed a CT scan, then I wouldn’t have even still been here. I could have been back at home, where… well, I guess Spencer would have figured it out either way.

“Yeah, I guess.” I sadly admitted, playing with the string of my gown. “He’s just a worrywart.”

The woman had that glimmer in her eye, the kind that came from years of seeing the same stories over and over again. Although, I had a hard time believing she’d ever been in this exact scenario, I guess they were all kind of the same after a while, semantics aside.

“Well, that makes sense considering your current state.” It was more of a reprimand than anything else, and I audibly groaned to try and get her to stop there. She didn’t, though, having spent enough time with me to know I needed to hear it. “You were very lucky, you know. If things had been even just a little bit different…”

Couldn’t you say that about everything? If things had been even just a little bit different, I never would have met Spencer in the first place. We never would have fallen in love or fought or done any of it at all.

I didn’t like thinking about that. I didn’t like even considering a life without Spencer. No matter how much pain I’d been through, or what traumatic memories were dug up, they were worth it.

That’s what she wanted me to realize, and she had succeeded. Suddenly, as we turned into the room, I was overcome with guilt at the way I’d ended my conversation with him.

The nurse knew it, too, because as she transferred me onto the scanner, she smiled. “I’m just saying, sweetheart. If he woke up next to your hospital bed last time, I understand why he’d be scared.”

Chewing on my lips, I thought about the last time I was in a hospital. I thought about how Spencer had curled his giant lanky body onto the bed and barely slept for 2 weeks. I could see the way his eyes got more sunken by the day, but never stopped shining with relief. I could hear him chewing on ice because he didn’t want to leave to grab food until after I’d woken up, and the cold would distract him from just how hungry he was.

“He must love you an awful lot to be that worried.”

I hated when they did that; when they read my mind and said exactly what I was thinking.

“Yeah, I know.” I tried to smile. It was hard with the stabbing pain in my stomach and the aching in the entire left side of my face, but I managed. It was just one of those things where if I thought of Spencer, my body had to react. It was as natural as breathing.

Which, speaking of…

“Take a deep breath in.” The technician alerted me from the speaker.

The high pitched whines of the CT scanner weren’t as obnoxious as the MRI machine. I was silently grateful that they were still too scared to use the giant magnet. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be stuck in a confined space, listening to loud banging that sounded too much like gun shots for my comfort.

Even just the thought made me nauseous. I felt like a baby, to have such a strong reaction to something so stupid. I’d been in an MRI before. I was a in a hospital. Nothing bad was going to happen to me, and I knew that.

But even now, in a machine that made virtually no noise and barely covered half my body, I wasn’t able to hold in a breath. Each time I tried, it felt like I was choking on Spencer’s lap again. The stinging in my stomach felt so much stronger, even though I knew it was healed.

The world felt like it was closing in on me, and every second that passed felt like days. I couldn’t even trust myself to guess how long it took for them to get images that should have taken no longer than 5 minutes.

I felt like such a burden. Like I was in their way. Like I was doing it wrong. Like I was a little kid, thinking that she knew what she was doing and could do it on her own.

I wanted Spencer.

That was the only thing I could think, and although it should have been comforting, it just left me feeling empty. The thought of him wasn’t enough to stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. The hands of the nurses trying to calm me down didn’t help, either. They felt wrong. They felt cold.

I just wanted Spencer. I wanted him to be there to hold my hand and distract me from my own thoughts. I wanted him to replace them with other things, like he'd promised me. I wanted to make new memories far away from here.

But I couldn’t. I was an idiot and I’d gotten myself back in the hospital, and he wasn’t here because I told him I didn’t want him to be. Why had I told him that? There was no reason that made any sense.

Once we finally did get out of the damn radiology department, I could still only barely function. The ride back to my room was much quieter, and the nurse didn’t meddle anymore. Gossip was only fun when it didn’t hurt like this.

Again, I couldn’t trust myself to guess how long I’d been in the CT scanner, but as we crossed back into my room, an overwhelming sensation of relief washed over me when I saw his satchel in the seat beside my bed. I hated the knowledge that I’d wasted 45 minutes of the technician’s time, but I was just so fucking happy that he had actually come.

Being alone in my room wasn’t a big deal anymore, because I knew it was only temporary. So as soon as I could, I sat up and waited patiently for my favorite mop of curly brown hair to peek around the corner.

He didn’t disappoint. He rarely did.

“Hey little girl.”

All the tension melted from my muscles, my head finally resting against the pillow with a dopey smile on my face. “Spencer.” I sighed, holding my hand out to him to usher him closer.

He gladly took the invitation, taking wide steps so he could be with me sooner.

“You shouldn’t be here.” I grumbled, flicking him on the arm while I locked our hands together. “But I’m glad you are.”

It was obvious from the way he let out a deep breath that he was also relieved to see that I wasn’t angry at him for coming. However, that’s also where his relief stopped. Because he’d seen me an hour prior and knew that I hadn't been crying then. But now, on top of the black eye, he saw the red rimming my sclera.

Taking my hand into both of his, he pressed a hard kiss against the back of it. Without looking up, he muttered into the skin a sad plea.

“Talk to me.”

“About what?” I asked, pulling back on my hand so he would stop with the shameless display of romance in such an awful place.

“Whatever’s going on.” He paused, but was clearly unhappy with the open ended question, and just as quickly specified, “What happened last night?

Unfortunately, I still wasn’t in the giving mood, even when it was information, and even if the person begging me for it was the boyfriend that I’d just cried for in the CT Scanner. If anything, that almost made it worse.

I hated feeling like this. Vulnerable.

“Nothing.”

Spencer was getting fed up, but it was like I couldn’t stop myself from fighting with him. I didn’t want to. I wanted to tell him that I needed him to take care of me and ask him to hold me while I cried on his shoulder about nothing at all, but I couldn’t. He would do it in a heartbeat, but I couldn’t ask him to. I couldn’t ask him for anything.

I couldn’t need anything without feeling too horribly guilty.

“Please don’t lie to me.” He was begging again, looking up at me with those impossibly warm amber eyes. He smiled when he saw the way my lips curled at the sight of him, unable to be angry for too long.

“Am I not allowed to have any stories for myself?” I joked, reaching forward to poke his face. Instead of moving away to avoid my hand, he leaned into the touch.

“You can. I just...”

“I know. You’re worried.” I responded with an exasperated sigh, rolling my head back. I could still feel him watching me, though, with a precarious smile, happy to see my spirits relatively high while also being deeply unhappy about the circumstances.

Wanting to see that full, confident smile again, I realized I didn’t have much of a choice. I’m sure that whatever he’d come up with in his head was much more sinister than what had actually happened.

“Fine. Stop looking at me like that.” I mumbled, gesturing to the childlike pout and laughing when he sucked his lips into his mouth in an attempt to follow my direction. I was glad he was still in a joking mood, because I had a feeling it would disappear as soon as I started talking.

I took a deep breath, looking up and away before I began my explanation of the stupidest night.

“I went out for drinks with my friends–”

“Drinks?!”

It hadn’t even been five seconds and he’d already cut me off. I couldn’t blame him, but it was so freaking annoying. This was exactly why I hadn't told him. Well, that and the fact he could get in serious trouble.

“I didn’t have any! Geez. Chill out.” I yelled back, chuckling a little bit at the conflicting looks of terror and relief. Because while he obviously believed that I didn’t drink any myself, it gave ugly context to the nightmarish guesses his mind had concocted.

“And everything was fine. We were on our way home. But then some asshole started messing with my friend. And she was way too drunk and started crying.” I was groaning internally the whole time, thinking about all the different ways this whole situation could have been avoided. Honestly, I don’t know why she had decided to try and square up with a cat caller when she knew damn well that she would start crying the second he raised his voice.

Which, of course, he had.

“So, I told the guy to fuck off. And he did not like it.”

There was a powerful rage boiling under the surface of Spencer’s skin, which was only betrayed by his clenched jaw and the sheets scrunched under his hand. “Did they arrest him?” He said, trying to calm the trembling in his voice. He wasn’t angry at me for being a victim, even if he was probably a little annoyed that I went out without telling him.

Not like he was even in the state, anyway.

“I didn’t press charges.”

He took a deep breath, clearly about to tell me that I was stupid for not holding him accountable. That I could’ve gotten hurt and he would’ve gotten away with it. That I could’ve died if he’d hurt me the wrong way.

I didn’t want to hear it.

“Stop. I didn’t want to go to court, and I’m fine. I didn’t even need invasive surgery again.”

Spencer was still angry but trying to settle himself down before he spoke. He could hardly even look at me, his hand leaving the bed to run through his hair and shake his keys in his pockets.

I wanted to tell him that the tension of silence was worse than if he’d just raised his voice at me, but I couldn’t even gather the energy to do that. My body and mind seemed resigned to their current state; they’d just given up.

“(Y/n)...” He started, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the use of my name. They didn’t retreat, especially not when he dragged a chair over to my bedside, sitting down and placing a gentle hand over mine again.

“Are you okay?”

It was so sincere. So pure, so unforgivably kind. My hand that had felt paralyzed seconds earlier twitched under his. “I just told you.” I shrugged, fighting the urge to pull my arm away again. I wanted him here. I wanted him to touch me.

So why did it hurt? Why did everything hurt?

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” His voice broke, and I saw the way he was holding back tears with his tongue pressed against the roof of his mouth. He was biting back so many things he didn’t want me to know.

But again, I was too tired to fight it. So instead, I said nothing.

“It doesn’t take a profiler to see you’re hurting.” He continued, urging me to give him anything to work with. “How can I make it better?”

He just wanted to help. Why couldn’t I let him help?

“I’m fine. Nothing even happened to me.” My throat tried to reject the words, my brain screaming at me that they were fundamentally untrue. But my heart hurt, pounding louder in my chest to tell me that the logic was wrong. Because I was a big girl, and I shouldn’t be scared by things that already happened.

I’m safe, right? I don’t need to be scared, right?

Spencer could see the panic on my face because I couldn’t even have hid it if I'd wanted to. And my brain was telling me to not to. It told me that I needed to talk to him, to let him listen.

“That’s not true. You’ve been through a lot.” He bargained, trying to locate that little voice in my head with his offerings. He wanted to pull that small part of me out and force it to talk so that we might finally be able to start to move on.

“You go through worse every day.”

‘It’s common for patients suffering from PTSD to minimize their suffering or compare it to others. It’s a completely normal response, but I want you to try to resist belittling your own feelings. They’re yours, and no one else’s. Okay, sweetheart?’

The voice was so clear in my head, my body jerked in response. I looked around the room, looking for any sign of the man who’d told me them first. But he wasn’t here; he hadn’t been here for some time.

“Do you know how many profilers I’ve seen leave in my time at the bureau?” Spencer distracted me from the thought. He probably figured my flashbacks were more sinister than what they actually were. As upsetting as they had once been, hearing my dad’s voice in my head was usually oddly soothing.

“No.” I answered blankly, trying to pay all attention to the man who was still here.

“Four. And I’ve considered it myself.” There was a soft chuckle to hide the guilt in the admission.

I didn’t know why he felt bad for it; his job was so ridiculously difficult. On top of constantly having to rearrange his life on account of the various inextinguishable evils in the world, he had to face those evils every day and try to figure out their inner workings in order to thwart them. The only time I'd ever done that, I'd killed all three of them. Not the best track record.

“The first one, she... she reminds me a lot of you.” The soft twinkling in his eyes, much like emotional music in the movies, alerted me that a backstory was coming. Based on the extent of just how nostalgic he was coming, I guessed that whatever he was about to say was deeply important to him.

However, I was fragile enough as it was, and I didn’t need to add jealousy to my current emotional repertoire. “Is this another JJ origin story? Cause I don’t think I can handle it.”

He laughed, shaking his head at the frustrated pout that formed on my face. “No,” He said quietly, taking a pregnant pause to formulate the story. “Her name was Elle.”

The story he told was woven well, although I expected no less. He told it passionately and with absolute sincerity. He told me about the woman who was one of the first people he'd bonded with on the team. The playful relationship he described was painted so vividly in my imagination.

I wanted to meet her. But by the end of the story, it was obvious that it wasn’t an option. He didn’t say anything about it, but from the far off look I could guess that he hadn’t seen her since that last day.

“She was like a sister to me, and to see her fall apart and not be able to do anything to help her... it was one of the worst feelings in the world.”

And I understood then, why he was worried about me the way he was. He was projecting his previous experience on me, but things were different with me. At least, that’s what I told myself. Realistically I should have been reminding myself that she'd had the training and resources to overcome her obstacles, whereas I was basically still a stupid kid. The prospect of facing the reality was too difficult though; I just shrugged it off.

“Well, I already killed the people who did this to me.” I chuckled.

Spencer did not appreciate my humor. There was an even stronger concern that flashed over his features, worried by my flippancy over the death of three human beings.

Fuck, I should feel worse about it than I do, shouldn’t I? But if I thought about it, then it hurt so badly. If I had to pick one, I would pick apathy every time. I would choose the emptiness before the ocean of remorse.

“I’m not worried about them.”

I had drifted away from him again, and the sentence forced me to look at him.

‘I’m not worried about them. I’m worried about you.’

I’d said that before. Those were my words.

I pulled my hand back from Spencer, rubbing my forehead with both hands before wincing at the sharp pain around my eye socket. It took me a minute to focus on the sentence and dive deeper into its implications. But once I remembered why it instilled such a visceral reaction, I nearly gagged on the words.

“Wait, you think I’m going to kill myself?”

“I didn’t say that.” He quickly responded in the most defensive manner possible. If that was his attempt to calm me down, it did not work. It only pissed me off even more.

Because there was only one reason why he would think I was going to kill myself. I hadn’t given him any reason to believe that was a risk. Yeah, sure, I was being reckless and impulsive, but I was a teenager!

“Why would you think that?” I demanded an answer, and he was immediately hesitant to provide one. It was all the evidence I needed to reach my conclusion. “Don’t lie to me, Spencer Reid. You asked Hotch, didn’t you?”

He sighed, leaning back in his chair now that it was obvious, I wasn’t going to want him to touch me. “Yeah, I did.”

“You told me you wouldn’t, Spencer! You promised!” I ground the words out between my teeth, hoping he understood just how much I was holding back my volume.

He looked over at the screen monitoring my heart, noting the way the spikes appeared at an exponentially faster rate. “I know.” He whispered with an evident guilt.

“What did he tell you?” I hated the way my voice shrank with my shoulders, my body insisting that I assume to the smallest position I could. Because as much as I hated that Spencer had asked when he told me he wouldn’t, I was desperate for the information.

I’d always wanted to see the files, to hear the story as they knew it. I wanted to know what happened, and this was probably the closest I’d ever come to that, unless that whole Ouija board thing is real.

“Probably the same stuff that you already know.” He knew he was disappointing me. He shouldn’t have felt as bad about that as he did, but I’d take the implicit apology for what it was.

“Tell me anyway.”

Spencer should have been delighted to have the opportunity to talk at me for such a long time, but I also understood why he wasn’t. They weren’t the best topics of conversation, your ex-best friend and your girlfriend’s dead father. But he was a trooper and a skilled conversationalist, despite people not being able to understand that.

“He told me that there were several missions your father was a part of that ended controversially. That… he reported several violations that were never followed through on.”

The words so easily unlocked memories I had tightly and resolutely locked away, it was unsettling. I could hear my parents arguing about the philosophy of blame and responsibility. My dad always arguing that he couldn’t stand aside and let innocent people get hurt. My mom reminding him that he couldn’t save everyone.

‘We also get to see a lot of good.’ Spencer had said on our first not-a-date.

‘Yeah, but which do you see more of?’ I’d asked, and he’d avoided the question. I remembered seeing the question dance across his vision before he shut it out. He'd wondered why I was so confident in my conclusions.

“And the last mission…”

He didn’t have to wonder anymore.

“I saw the report.”

My breath was knocked from my lungs by an invisible fist to my damaged gut. I swallowed, trying to regulate my heart that was at risk of setting off the damn machine next to me. “What did it say?” I whispered, clutching onto the sheets and my gown, hoping it would be enough to keep me grounded.

“Killed in action.”

“That’s fucking bullshit.” I barked, my brows furrowing regardless of just how badly it hurt to contort my face so badly. “He didn’t– H-He wasn’t–“

“I know.” Spencer responded, a note of pity in his voice that made my face twitch in annoyance.

I turned to him with the same snarl, years of repressed anger resurfacing and wreaking even more havoc on my already destroyed life. “Do you? Do you know?”

“I mean, I can’t ever know for sure but… You weren’t the only one who felt that he...” He couldn’t say the word suicide, and for once, I was grateful. “It seems like all of his team had the same concerns.”

He was trying so hard to calm me down, to placate my fears and rage. He was sympathizing the best he could, but the truth was he would never be able to understand just how fucked up it was. He hadn't been there when it was happening, so the only thing he could do was try to slap a band-aid on a well-settled scar and hope that my not being able to see it made it hurt less.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered the two words cautiously, his heartbreak clear in his eyes. He had nothing to apologize for, but there he was, doing it anyway.

“For what?”

“That you’ll never have your answer.”

I don’t know what I expected him to say, but his answer took me by surprise. Of all the explanations I’d heard after an unnecessary platitudinous apology, I’d never heard that. And even worse, I’d never heard it in such a broken way, sounding for all the world like he believed he'd failed tremendously.

“I’m sorry that... that I couldn’t find it for you.”

I couldn’t stand the sight, and my hand found his cheek like it did so often, returning home to find that it was just a bit more stubbly than I remembered it. “It’s not your job, Spencer. We’re not one of your cases.” I assured him, running my thumb over the rough skin and remembering that he’d only just gotten home from exactly that: a case.

He did so much for me every day, but in the past few months he’d had to do so much more. And as much as I tried not to, I took him for granted so often. It was never as obvious to me as it was in that moment, when a tear slid down his cheek at the tenderness of my touch. He always expected anger and pain. I didn’t want him to feel that way with me.

“But thank you for trying. I appreciate you.” I tried to throw my soul into the words as they formed on my tongue, but all that came out was a pathetic whimper. “I love you very much.”

“I love you, too.” He sighed into the small embrace, leaning his weight more heavily into my hand. Still holding back, he grimaced at the words he shared. “If I’m going to be honest, I looked something else up myself. Not on any FBI database just... old school research”

I wanted to act surprised, but it was the least shocking thing I’d heard in a while. So instead I just stared at him, with the closest I could come to boredom while still being interested in what he had to say.

“Yeah? What’d you find?” Finally settling into the inevitable resignation, I moved my hand up the side of his face to tangle in his hair. It was so soft despite not having been washed for a few days. I could tell he hadn’t slept much. I wondered why he'd bothered digging into my past in the precious little free time he had.

But then he said it, reminding me of the pain of the cemetery and the events that both preceded and followed it.

“Trent Loughton.”

My fingers stopped in their exploration of his curls for a second, but eventually continued. “I see.” I hummed, trying not to push the conversation any further than he wanted to take it. As emotional as the topic was for me, it must have been harder for him. After all, he was the one who shared the nasty habit with Trent.

“I-I saw how he died... and I think I can fill in the rest myself.”

“Mrs. Loughton did give a lot of clues.” I laughed, mostly to stop myself from crying. That woman didn’t deserve any more of my tears. It was because of her that I’d spent years trying to convince myself that Trent’s death wasn’t my fault. Deep down, a part of me still believed her.

But honestly, it wasn’t my opinion that really mattered to me. It was Spencer’s. If he thought I was a failure, or that it was my fault for what happened, I wasn’t sure we’d ever be able to move past it. I wasn’t sure that I would ever be able to move past it.

“The drugs he overdosed on... they weren’t yours.”

Relief washed over me, but my mind told me not to get too comfortable, yet. “No, they weren’t.” My body had such a strange reaction to the words being said without an argument. I didn’t need to convince Spencer; he already knew. He not only believed me – he had come to the conclusion himself.

“So why did you say they were?”

It was such an easy answer, I knew he had to know it already. His hesitance to come to conclusions on my behalf, while appreciated, wasn’t necessary in this situation. “Pretty little girl with no record and a batshit war hero dad stood a better chance in the criminal justice system. I didn’t ask my dad to protect me, but he did.”

Spencer clearly sympathized with my father more so than me in that moment, which made my heart flutter in a remarkably inappropriate manner. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that those damn psychologists were right – We really do sometimes pick men that remind us of our fathers.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Spencer said under his breath, and I wondered which one he was even talking about. It honestly could have applied to my whole life. He would have meant it each time, too. Because to him I couldn’t do anything wrong. I tried to take solace in that, but it honestly caused another voice to creep into the back of my mind.

I’d never be as good as he saw me. I’d never be worthy of his love.

Shoving those anxieties away again, I nodded in solemn recognition of the years I spent working to come to that same conclusion. “I know. It just took me a while to figure it out.”

My hand finally fell away from his face, although he grabbed my wrist to stop it from going too far. There was another hesitancy in his body language. His face turned down and his leg bouncing so gently I almost missed it.

“Is he the one you were talking about? The one you loved?”

Ah, nothing like a subtle hint of jealousy to boost a girl’s ego. I chuckled at the sound, swaying a bit in place to let him suffer a millisecond longer. “No. Not exactly.”

But then I genuinely couldn’t figure out how to say it. How could I describe what we had shared, when I'd spent so long trying to forget it? Had I loved him? Probably. No, I'd definitely loved him, just not in the way Spencer was thinking. Not like I loved Spencer.

“It was like, he always liked me, and I always thought we’d end up together because that’s how it happens in the movies, right? I was supposed to fall in love with him.” I ranted, trying to move my hands that were currently wrapped up in Spencer’s. “But I didn’t, and then he was gone and...”

We both stopped, his eyes trailing after me with questions he didn’t voice yet. He wanted me to finish before he decided whether or not they were worth it. I wanted to explain to him that they weren’t. As important as Trent was to me, he was gone.

“It’s fine. I’m sure he would be glad I found someone who makes me happy.” I was confident in that, at least. Because as I stared into those big hazel eyes, forcing themselves to stay open just to listen to me talk about my life, I was glad, too. “Even if that someone snoops too much for his own good.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

There were many reasons, most of which I didn’t want to go into. But the way he was looking at me shattered my heart into a million pieces, and I knew that if I lied to him now, it would only make it harder to put those parts back together.

He just wanted to help. I knew I should let him help.

“I didn’t want to think about it.” I admitted for the first time out loud. “I didn’t want to consider all the similarities. I didn’t want you to think I was just looking for a man to replace the ones I’ve lost.”

I couldn’t tell when I started to cry, but it was even more exhausting and painful than normal. Which is why I didn’t hesitate to accept Spencer’s offer when he stood up, wrapping his arms around me just tightly enough that it wouldn’t hurt.

“I didn’t want to lose you, too.” I whined, the comforting scent of his cologne filling my lungs and reminding me of all the beautiful moments we’d shared so far. We had so many more to go.

“You won’t lose me. I’m here to stay.” He said, reading my mind like he always did.

“I know.” I started to laugh, but this time it wasn’t held back by secrets. “You’d think a girl could lose you by getting in a bar fight an hour away and going to an unnamed hospital but nooo...”

He laughed too, although his was much more reserved. Spoilsport.

Spencer’s arms tightened around me briefly, holding me closer to him before he backed away, his hands finding home on my cheeks. I anticipated a kiss, which was usually what happened when he held me like that. But he didn’t kiss me, instead giving me a gentle instruction.

“(Y/n), look at me.”

My eyes, bruised and dry, still opened at his command.

“No jokes. No lies.” He asked, clearly enunciating each word. “Should I be worried about you?”

All I could hear was the sound of my heart and the humming of the machines. I was brought back to the CT scanner, the way it felt to be choking on air. Flashes of other men I loved were racing through my mind. I couldn’t save them, I remembered, before my eyes landed back on Spencer.

My stomach twisted at the memory of a wooden box, a check, and suddenly all I smelled was the pine of the forest.

“(Y/n)?” He asked again, although I saw he’d already received half of the answer.

“No. I’m fine.”

The most terrifying part about it was that I believed what I said, but the look on Spencer’s face told me that I was lying. And I believed that, too.

—————————————————

The thing about coming back from a gunshot wound to the stomach is that it takes a ridiculously annoying amount of time. Like, yeah, the pain is something awful, but the wait for things to return to normal was even worse.

I didn’t even know how long it’d been, my brain blocking out anything that reminded me of that day. If I ever really needed to know, Spencer could tell me. I was basically only keeping track of the days by deadlines for school and the dwindling prescriptions I had left.

My follow-up appointment was next week, and it couldn’t come soon enough. Spencer told me he would come with me, but I hadn’t really heard from him in a couple of days. He didn’t even have time to tell me about the case, although I could tell it was one of the “bad” ones – not that there were really any “good” ones.

But still, it was almost 11pm and I was about to go to sleep, but I wanted to wait a little bit longer before I called it a night. I was just hoping that I’d be able to talk to him, even if it was just to say goodnight. I missed his voice like crazy.

So when my phone lit up, I didn’t even look at the caller ID. There weren’t many people who would call me this late on a Friday – my friends were all already out for the night.

“Hello?” I sang into the receiver, already excitedly spinning around in my chair.

But the voice that responded was decidedly not Spencer.

“Hey, (y/n), right? It’s JJ.”

Her voice rang like a record scratch through my head, and I halted in my chair. “Oh, hey JJ... Why are you calling me?” Suddenly, my enthusiasm morphed into an overwhelming anxiety and darkness that threatened to crush everything in its path. “I-Is everything alright?”

But then I heard it. The sound of terrible music, loud laughter, and the general bustle of a restaurant. It was followed by an even more nervous JJ, “Uhh, yeah. Everything is fine. I was calling because Spencer might have had a few too many drinks and—“

Above the chaotic noise that I just described, I heard Spencer Reid loud and clear. Well, maybe not the clear part. His inaudible slurring sounded vaguely like a rant I’d heard before. Then again, hadn't I heard them all at this point? ?

I hadn’t put it together yet, though, and once I did, I couldn’t help but laugh. “My boyfriend is drunk? Cute.”

I was already standing, gathering my things and tossing my jacket on to head out when I asked, “Do you want me to come get him?”

“Please.” I’d never heard a more relieved woman in my life. The very thought of him driving his best friends insane with his drunken lessons was enough to combat my exhaustion. The poor thing was probably humiliating himself one sip at a time.

But for every chuckle, I was really just hiding a deeper concern. Spencer wasn’t supposed to be drinking. Spencer wasn’t allowed to drink, and he knew that. Out of the two of us, he was the one who put himself at risk more often, and I had a goddamn bullet wound.

“Sure thing. Just send me the address.”

It dawned on me somewhere along the 20 minute drive that Spencer had not only finished his case, but also come home and gone out for a drink with his team. Normally that wouldn’t bother me, but the fact that he hadn’t told me about any of it...?

I tried not to think about it, knowing that talking to him about it tonight would be a waste of time, anyway. From the way he'd sounded over the phone, he wouldn’t be in any state to talk about the deep nuances of addiction and our relationship.

So I pushed it away, trying to enjoy the fact that I’d be able to see him again. Now that we’d cleared the air about my past, things felt strangely calm. I told myself it wasn’t just the eye of the storm because I wasn't sure I could handle much more excitement lately.

Showing up at one of the bars I used to frequent didn’t do much to convince me otherwise, either. The stench of cigarette smoke and alcohol hit me like a freight train as soon as I stepped out of my car. How did I do this every other night before?

As I approached the door, I didn’t even recognize the bouncer’s figure in the shade of the dim porch light. I recognized his voice, though, that’s for sure.

“Hey Jailbait, haven’t seen you around.”

Shit. Slower now, I hesitantly approached him with the most innocent and well-meaning look I could muster, knowing full well that another part of my life was going to be exposed tonight. At least this time, Spencer was the story and not the listener.

“Hey Tom...” I nervously laughed, drawing out the words while I came to a stop.

“Heard some pretty crazy shit went down to keep you off the scene. Must be bad if it keeps you away from me.”

It was weird to think that they talked about me. But I guess it was to be expected; we were all friends before Spencer Reid. And when someone in those friend groups goes missing suddenly, there’s usually reason to be worried. But in my situation, the worry wasn’t really necessary (aside from the whole being shot thing, I guess).

“Crazy is a good word for it.”

He leaned forward, beckoning for me to move in even closer with a wave of his hand. I complied, although I was a little confused as to why we were being so secretive.

“Hey, sorry, but... I can’t let you in tonight. You know I normally would, but the place is swarming with feds tonight.”

Then I remembered that I actually had to explain the reason for my absence, rather than just think about it in the abstract. “Oh no, I know.” I peered around him, trying to spot the man past the door. It wasn’t hard, considering how goddamn tall he was.

I pointed to him, causing Tom to turn with an amused grin before I explained, “I’m here for the drunk noodle man.”

The look on his face – hilarious, and a little insulting.

“What? Jailbait’s picking up a fed? Damn girl what’ve you been into?” He laughed, barely able to control himself. He laughed so hard, in fact, I’m surprised there weren’t tears in his eyes.

“Stop that.” I whined, but he didn’t listen.

“Does he know who he’s dating?”

The question hurt more than he could have anticipated. I didn’t want to confront those messy feelings, so I bundled them all into an annoyed exclamation. “Yes, he knows!” I huffed, crossing my arms and turning away from him as I stepped towards the door. “So can I go get him?”

He composed himself rather quickly after that, shaking his head and unhooking the rope that blocked off the door. “Please do. If I have to hear one more fact about Ancient Rome, I might quit.”

With the last obstacle gone, I happily skipped through the door, the excitement returning in a bubbling wave through my chest. “Thanks, Tom!” I chirped, barely giving him a glance as I raced through the door.

The only person more surprised to see me than Tom was Spencer. Although, to his credit, I did practically launch myself at his side. We both nearly toppled to the ground thanks to our lack of coordination, but we were luckily stopped by the bar he was leaning against.

“Boo!” I shouted in his ear, hearing a small, surprised gasp from my boyfriend.

“(Y/n)?” He turned towards me now, stars quickly forming in his eyes as a big, goofy smile spread across his face. It took him a minute, but eventually he recognized me in the dim light.

“Hey old man.”

Hugging me back just a little too tightly, he began to gush, “Oh my gosh. What are you doing here?” Of course, before I could answer, he came to several other conclusions. “Wait! This is a bar. You can’t be here! You aren’t twenty one!”

He thought he was whispering, but he definitely, definitely was not.

“I’m here to pick you up, not party.” I actually whispered back, turning to see JJ practically hiding at the table. I’m guessing he hasn't wanted her to call me, although I was pretty sure he wouldn’t care at this point. He seemed pretty happy I was there.

“You can’t pick me up. You’re hurt.”

I didn’t even know where to start with that, so I just chuckled. “Smart as a whip, Dr. Reid.”

I ran my hands over his shoulders, smoothing out the wrinkled dress shirt he'd either had no time to iron, or had worn to bed the night before. I didn’t like either of those options. Spencer must have noticed me analyzing the fact, because his hand came up to stop me.

Trying to quickly change the subject, I blurted out over the terrible music, “Even when I’m hurt, I can probably still pick you up. You probably weigh the same as me.”

He scoffed, looking down at his lanky body compared to mine before shaking his head. “That’s hurtful, (y/n).” He attempted a puppy dog face, which only made laughter burst from my pursed lips.

Grabbing hold of his wrists and pulling him away from the bar, I turned and waved to the few team members I could spot among the crowd before returning to my drunken idiot of a boyfriend. “Come on, love. It’s time to take you home with me.”

When the cool autumn air hit him, I felt the goosebumps ripple over his arm. He leaned a bit closer, resting too much of his body weight on me for my comfort, but I wasn’t going to tell him to stop.

“How did you find me?” He mumbled, trying to touch me more than he currently was. Pushing him away from me was supposed to serve as a gentle reminder that we were in public, but he didn’t seem to care about that at all.

“JJ called me.”

“They all like you a lot. So do I.” His fast responses were a little less impressive considering how spontaneous they seemed, but I let it slide. As long as he was saying nice things, it was fine by me.

Guiding him as gently as possible, which is to say not gently at all considering he was essentially a human giraffe, I sighed. “I’m glad to hear it, Spencer. Maybe I can actually hang out with them one of these days.”

The guilt appeared before I could stop it, but it was the least of my worries at the moment. More concerning would be getting him into his house and in bed without either of us doing something stupid. After all, he was usually the one who stopped me from being stupid. And so far tonight, he’d already done something pretty damn stupid.

As I pulled the driver side door closed, a silence filled the car. Spencer was stuck between staring at me with a lovesick smile and looking away, probably because of his pink cheeks making him look a perfect combination of embarrassed and plastered.

“So what had you drinking, Spencer?”

“A case.” He shot back with that voice he usually reserved for the bedroom. It was the voice that told me not to press, to take his answer and let it die.

Unfortunately, I couldn't really do that this time, concerning this particular topic. . “Good thing or bad thing drinking?” I asked quietly.

I think he wanted to snap at me, to tell me that it was clear he didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t. The way my hands and words trembled told him that I was just as scared as he was that the answer might be the wrong one.

“I don’t know,” was what he said, instead.

“Okay.” I accepted that answer, understanding that it meant we could talk about it later, when his blood went back to normal and his mind was where it should be. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

And there we were, me sitting and staring at the indicators on the car as the engine turned, and him staring at me in the little light provided. After staring back at him for a moment, I had to ask the glaringly obvious question.

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

That’s when Spencer Reid let out an honest to god giggle, his hands reaching out to massage my face that no longer showed any signs of the black eye I'd received a few weeks prior. “You’re sooo pretty.” He drawled, slumping over in his seat so he could rest his face against my shoulder.

I couldn’t help but laugh back, petting his hair for a second before returning my attention to the wheel. “Oooh, I like this.” I whispered, letting my heart skip a few beats as he nuzzled into the warmth that only I could provide him.

“I love you.” He mumbled against my shirt, letting out a deep breath before apparently trying to fill his lungs with the smell of my laundry detergent.

The sensation of his breath hot against my neck caused a familiar desire to stir in me, just barely beaten out by the even more powerful adoration I had for the puppy-like man who was already practically asleep on my shoulder.

“I love you, too, darling.”

He didn’t hear me, his soft breath indicating that he would be out for the drive. Taking my time to avoid the roads with potholes and curves, I managed to keep Spencer on me the whole way back to his apartment. Once we were there, though, I didn’t have any option but to wake him up. Unlike him, I definitely could not carry him out of the car.

It took him a surprisingly long period of time to realize that we were not, in fact, at my place. As soon as he did notice, he rubbed his eyes like it would transform the door in front of him. “Why didn’t you take me home?”

“This is your apartment, babe.” I explained, digging through his pockets to find his keys. He jumped at the contact before letting out a sound that was way too close to a moan for him to be making in the hallway.

“Yeah that’s not home.” He answered, swallowing down other noises that threatened to erupt by the time I withdrew my hand. “But home is–“ He hiccuped, patting his finger on my nose as he tried to stabilize his feet. “Home is where you are.”

“Mmm, so smooth.” I hummed, unlocking the door and shoving his drunk ass into the apartment before he could do something else that made me question whether I should just turn around and go home.

But he just looked so proud of himself, spinning around on his feet and crashing into the table beside the door. “Thank you!” He chirped, reaching forward to grab my hand and pull me closer.

When our bodies pressed together, the first thing I noticed was the fact he was clearly much more excited to be home with me than he was letting on. The thin fabric of his slacks left little to the imagination, and when my hand slid over the tent in his pants, there was nothing left to wonder.

“I brought you here... because I didn’t want to have to be quiet.” I purred, palming his erection over his clothes.

Through his broken moans, he still managed to ask the silliest question: “Why are you going to be loud?”

He was so fucking cute; so remarkably innocent in his drunken stupor, it was hard to remember that he was the same man that once finger fucked me on the metro.

“Why do you think?” I asked just as sweetly, making quick work of the buttons on his shirt.

Spencer still just stared, mesmerized by the way the buttons slipped from the fabric between my fingers. Once they were all open, I ran my hands over his chest before wrapping my arms around his neck.

He was the one to close the gap, coming down to deliver a feverish kiss against my lips. He tasted like honey and whiskey, and I wanted nothing more than to drown in him. His hands were on my lower back, sneaking under my shirt and spreading goosebumps all over my skin.

I moaned into his mouth with the utmost desperation, murmuring words against his lips. “Take me to bed, Spencer,” I begged.

The words awoke something in him, and suddenly, his hands were off of me and raised in the air.

“Wait— I can’t.” He concluded, drawing in heavy breaths.

“Why not?”

I wasn’t sure which part of this situation did him in, although I had my suspicions. As much as I wanted him, I would suppress those urges if he was really, truly uncomfortable. I almost felt bad for a second, but then he spoke again.

“I have a girlfriend.”

With a few slow blinks, I tried to figure out how the hell I was supposed to return a serious answer. Deciding that was impossible, I deadpan replied, “I am your girlfriend, you absolute idiot.”

I took his stunned silence to be permission enough to start leading him into his room. He honestly looked like I’d just told him all the answers to the universe, and he trailed after me like my hand was a leash. Still, once I sat on the bed and pulled his body against mine, he paused again.

“My girlfriend can’t— she’s hurt. She can’t have sex with me.”

I got the impression he was trying to reason with himself more so than with me, which explained the third person. But it was deeply unsettling, because I really needed to know he was here in this moment with me.

“Stop saying 'she'. It’s me, babe.” I gently reminded, and I watched it dawn on him again, his eyes lighting up in the darkness. Sliding my hand up his arm, I pulled him forward to hopefully convince him to climb into the bed with me. “And we don’t have to have sex.”

Funny enough, Spencer was the one who had enough sense to strip off most of his clothes before he stumbled onto the mattress after me. His lack of coordination was even worse with the alcohol, and it reminded me of the virginal teenager I’m certain he once was.

It was strange to consider, that if we’d met each other under different circumstances, at a different time, our roles might have been somewhat reversed. To picture him as an innocent little thing was... kind of exciting.

But he was anything but innocent now, his face hanging over mine while he helped me disrobe, trying to focus his analytical abilities on me in his haze. Finding no pain or hesitancy, he crashed his lips over mine with an energy I hadn’t seen in some time.

And it was so invigorating, to feel his skin against mine without him having to constantly worry about whether or not he was hurting me. It’d been far too long since we shared a bed together like this, and now that it was happening, I could hardly breathe.

“God, I love her.” He whispered against my skin, before quickly correcting himself, “I love you.”

I laughed, the kind that sputters from your lips when you try to hold it back. Pushing the hair from his face, I ran my fingers over his scalp. “How drunk are you?”

“I’m not drunk, I’m stupid.” He replied with a cheeky smirk, diving back down to kiss me again. I wasn’t going to argue with the brilliant Spencer Reid, even if the point he was making was that he was, in fact, stupid.

Maybe it was stupid, the two of us tangling up in his sheets despite the fact that I hadn’t been cleared for it yet by my doctor. I knew that it was coming soon – probably at my appointment in a couple weeks, actually – so why wait? I knew that Spencer would never hurt me. Even now, his hands were gentle in their insistence, raking over my hip and stopping just short of the place where I really wanted him.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” He groaned, his hips rocking forward and pressing his erection against my leg.

“Touch me.” I ordered, louder and more forcefully than I intended. I was expecting an argument, but I didn’t get one. In fact, Spencer’s finger had already breached my folds before I even finished talking. Unwilling to let him be the only one to enjoy himself, I reached down to grab his cock.

“Shit.” He hissed, biting down on his lip while he rutted against my hand. “I just want to hold you down and fuck you until you cry.” The restraint was obvious in the fingers slowly sinking into me, his jaw clenched and his eyes barely able to stay open. “But I can’t.”

Through my heavy breaths, I panted out another request. “Tell me more about it.”

He immediately realized why I’d asked, and his fingers began to pump in and out of me faster and with more force, his lips trailing kisses over to my ear. While I tried to keep up the pace of my strokes, it became more complicated when his breath fanned over my ear.

“It’s been so long since I bent you over and had my way with you like I did that morning over your kitchen counter...” He moaned, and I could almost feel the sensations as he remembered them. Although his fingers would never be the same, just having him inside me in any capacity felt like pure bliss.

But he wasn’t done, continuing to speak his thoughts into my ear. “I just want to—fuck, I want to fill you up.” I went to respond, but I choked on a sob, instead. The lewd sounds between us only aided his descriptions.

“God, I love the way you feel. You’re always so wet for me.” He whispered, beginning to make small thrusts with his hips. The movement essentially allowed him to use my hand to stroke himself, and he let out another unsteady moan at the contact. “Think about what it feels like, little girl.”

“I-I am.” I could barely make the words come out; my body too sensitive to his touch after being starved of it for so long. And Spencer was ready to take full advantage of that.

“I still have so much planned for you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that little stunt you pulled when you got all riled up.” He growled, using his free hand to grab a fistful of my hair. He yanked my head further to the side, laying sloppy kisses along my jaw. “I told you I’d give you triple the marks you left on me, and I can’t wait to cover you with me.”

“Fuck. Please, Spencer.” I hoarsely begged, my hand on his shoulder tightening so that my nails dug into his skin. If his grip on my hair wasn’t so tight, I would have thrown my head back. Instead, I just squirmed underneath him, crying out, “I’m so close, Spencer, please!”

He did not disappoint, his fingers curling inside of me with each thrust, and by some grace of God, he was able to coordinate his thumb over my clit. As if that wasn’t enough, he pulled back to look me in the eyes.

“I want to feel you come on my fingers.” It was more of a demand than a desire, as evidenced by the way his hand tugged on my hair. “Come on, little girl. Make daddy proud.”

Just like that, my body responded to his call, my muscles trembling from the tension as my orgasm hit me like a fucking freight train. It was such an overwhelming experience, to remember exactly how Spencer was capable of making me feel.

And he knew it, too. “Oh, good girl,” he cooed, continuing his kisses against my neck and murmuring the words as they came to him. “That’s my pretty little slut.”

After taking my time coming back to earth, I struggled from the overstimulation still burning between my legs. Spencer hadn’t stopped his fingers, which were diligently stroking inside of me while he continued to buck his hips against my hand.

“I want you to finish inside me.” I slurred in my delirium, withdrawing my hand from his dick while he whimpered.

“I-I can’t. I can’t fuck you.” He was asserting a necessary and understandable hard limit, and it was clear I wouldn’t be able to convince him to fuck me that night.

But that wasn’t the plan, anyway.

“That’s not what I’m talking about.” I said between gasps, struggling against his fingers still inside me. “Come up here.” I whined, rubbing my hands on his shoulders while simultaneously trying to sit myself up.

The movement and the words made him withdraw completely. “(Y/n)...” He warned, running a hand through his hair while he sat up on his knees. “I could hurt you.”

“That’s always been a risk with us, Spencer.” My retort was both quick and persuasive, judging by the way he almost moved, but stopped himself yet again.

“Please. Please, do it. I want you to do it so fucking bad.” There was an obvious and deep desperation. I was literally begging him, to the point that I swore I almost cried. It felt stupid, but I needed him like I’d never needed anything in my life before. He’d spent months taking care of me, and I couldn’t do anything in return.

I just wanted to make him feel good, to give him something like we used to share.

Of course, I think those thoughts were also visible on my face, and they were obviously worrying him. With tender touches, Spencer’s fingers lightly trailed over the side of my face. The brief flashes of clarity alerted him of my struggle, and he let out a shaky breath at the war inside his own mind.

“I want to feel you inside me, and this is the only way.” I concluded, trying to lead him to the simplest conclusion. It was the safest, easiest way to solve both of our current problems. And although I could see how hard the decision was for him, my pleading eventually bested him.

“Fuck.” He mumbled, leaning forward to grab the headboard, staring down at me as I shimmied further up the wood.

“Fuck!” He repeated, rolling his head back with a light groan when both of my hands reached forward to grab his hips. “Fine. You’re lucky you’re so fucking cute.”

A giggle bubbled through my throat, and my body actually bounced in excitement as he slowly positioned himself in front of me. I wasn’t even sure which I was more excited for, my own orgasm or getting to finally give him one again.

As soon as my mouth closed around the head of his dick, I got my answer. Spencer’s moan filled the room, his hands holding so firmly on the headboard that the entire bed creaked. Although I figured he’d been taking care of himself in my absence, it appeared that wasn’t entirely the case. He seemed just as starved as I was.

“Holy shit.” He groaned, dropping a hand to the top of my head. I had to remind myself that he was drunk, which explained why he seemed so much more responsive than normal, with whimpers and pants flowing steadily through his mouth. He only got louder as he began to slowly push himself further into my mouth, stopping every few inches to retreat before pressing further.

“God, I need to do this more often. No back talk, no whining.” He said in a low tone under his breath, beginning to settle on a steady rhythm.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t think of anything except how fucking good it felt to be useful again, to feel him struggling to hold himself back as he started to more aggressively fuck my mouth. My eyes could barely stay open, but I needed them to. I needed to see him in the dim light of the streetlights that peered through the window.

He looked so beautiful, so perfect, and so mine. Feeling him slide back and forth against my tongue revived memories from long before and reignited my longstanding desire to do anything to please him. In all his caretaking, I was worried he might have forgotten how to control me.

But he hadn't. Thank god, he hadn’t.

“Come on, little girl. Earn your fill.” He whispered, burying himself in my throat and holding me against the headboard. I only lightly choked on the intrusion before my body complied, swallowing him further until my lips were pressed against the base of him.

Suddenly, Spencer withdrew, beginning a brutal, dizzying pace. Now, my eyes couldn’t stay open, rolling to the back of my head as I used my hands to steady myself against his thighs. The sobs trying to escape felt more like moans, and they shoved Spencer over the edge he’d been riding in his caution.

“That’s it. Take it.” He barked the instruction, looking down at me and smiling, “Don’t you dare spill any of it, do you hear me?”

My answer was stifled against him, just the way he wanted it to be. And with a few more rough thrusts, Spencer buried himself as deep as possible. I swore my heart synchronized with the pulsing against my tongue as his seed spilled down my throat.

I hollowed my cheeks, trying to drain every last drop from him as he finished. It had its desired effect, and Spencer grabbed my hair and forced himself deeper one more time with a growl. “Good girl.”

Once he had enough, he pulled out of me with a satisfied grunt, waiting just a second before clumsily falling onto the bed beside me. I laughed as he hit the pillows, obviously too tired to even reposition himself in the disastrous sheets.

“Thank you, daddy.” I spoke in the silence, gingerly cleaning the spit that had dripped down my chin.

“Fuck.” The curse was muffled in the pillow, but I understood it well enough. He seemed more concerned when I started to sink down into the sheets again, reaching a tentative hand out to him.

Finally rolling over, he grabbed my arm and guided me closer. “Come here.” He said with the tenderness I’d grown used to over the past few months. He turned towards me, apparently not ready for me to sleep on my side just yet.

He brushed my hair from my face, lifting the sheets to look at the now mostly healed wound. I hated it when he looked at it. It just reminded me that I’d never be the same girl he first met. Every time he saw it, he would remember that day. I didn’t want to think about it.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

But even with the insecurity and anger in my gut, I wasn’t lying when I answered. “No, I’m fine.” My heart was so full, my body relaxing for the first time in so long. I was just so unbelievably happy to be together again. Even if it wasn’t like last time, it was still just as wonderful.

“I’m a little better than fine, actually.” I admitted with a bright smile.

Spencer hummed something in thought, but then winced. “Do me a favor.” He mumbled, rubbing his eyes and wiping a heavy hand over his face.

“Anything.”

“Kick my ass in the morning.”

He was caught off guard by my response, which was a full-hearted laugh that was too loud for how close the two of were. But I couldn’t help it, it was just so Spencer to still be punishing himself despite the fact that nothing bad had happened.

Once I calmed down enough to talk, I turned to him with a devilish grin. “I don’t wanna.”

Then were both laughing, and Spencer pulled me close to him until he could rest his chin on the top of my head, curling up against my side. “Spoiled brat.” He whined, running his hand through my hair and down my arm.

When I smelled the whiskey on his breath, the guilt hit me just as hard as any of the pleasure. I'd been so excited to get to experience this with him again, I almost forgot the reason he didn’t want to do it in the first place.

He just didn’t want to hurt me. He just wanted to make me happy.

“I just wanted to be with you again... I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I whispered, pulling the covers up so that I could hide my shame beneath them.

“I wanted to be with you, too.” He reassured me, half asleep and barely able to talk but wanting to get the words out. “I know it’s important to you, but I need you to know I would be with you even if I never got to touch you again.”

“Please never stop touching me.” I quickly replied, a genuine worry in my eyes.

But when Spencer glanced over, he just laughed, “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

“No? Even when I get pregnant and have a big ol’ belly?” I playfully answered, bringing his hand to my stomach and pressing it against the side that still remained intact.

The familiar position caused a shift in Spencer’s body language, and suddenly he was even more insistent on being impossibly closer. “You’ll still be irresistible to me.” He said against my hair, running his fingers lightly over the unmarked skin of my lower stomach.

“We’ll see, I guess.” I mumbled, not realizing that I said it aloud until I heard his confused reply.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” The defensiveness in my voice was terrifyingly transparent, and I hoped that if his drinking made him forget anything, it would be this conversation. “Go to sleep, drunk ass.”

“I need hugs and kisses first.” He complained, rubbing his nose against me in a way that should have been irritating instead of adorable.

“Spoiled.” I grumbled, reaching a hand up to play with his hair. I turned to kiss his cheek through the smile that was plastered over my cheeks.

Already half snoring in his sleepy state, he got out one more cringe worthy joke before he succumbed to his exhaustion. “What’s good for the goose...”

“...is good for the gander.” I finished for him, before taking the advice and following him to sleep.

—————————————————

| Part 18 |

1K notes · View notes

datleggy · 3 years

Text

Albert Plots aka coda to 4x02

One of Bucks house rules is: don't barge into my room unannounced.

It only becomes a house rule, of course, after Albert inadvertently interrupts his therapy session as he's mid sentence.

"Oh crap, sorry sorry, I didn't realize--I mean, I thought--sorry." Albert finishes lamely, cringing at his own intrusion.

Buck practically chucks his tablet across his bed, face down, in his surprise. “Dude, knock.”

Albert shrugs, grimacing apologetically. “You don’t have a door though?”

Buck sighs, running a hand through his hair nervously. “Just...announce yourself next time, ok? Like, yell ‘I’m coming up’ or whatever.”

Albert nods. “Sorry.” he mutters again.

Buck decides the kid looks contrite enough that he can brush the whole thing off--it’s not like he overheard anything. “It’s ok, don’t worry, we’re good. What’s up? You needed something?”

“I wanted to see if you wanted to order pizza but um,” Chimneys little brother pauses and scratches the back of his head. “Are you ok?”

Buck gulps. “Uh, yeah, I--why wouldn’t I be?” Well shit, Buck thinks, maybe he did overhear a tidbit or two, after all...

“Well,” Albert purses his lips to one side. “What you said just now, about hiding your feelings? Sorry, I really didn’t mean to eavesdrop--I was hungry and didn’t think before running up here. But um, listen, if you ever need an ear or a shoulder,” he shrugs delicately. “You’ve been there for me before a few times now. I like to think we’re good friends, so I want you to know you can always count on me to be there if you need someone. That’s all.”

Buck would be touched if he weren’t also kind of mortified over having been caught spilling his guts to Dr. Copeland. Albert must see that, because he immediately moves to change the subject. “So, pizza?”

“Yup,” Buck clears his throat. “Sal’s is the best joint in the area, their menu’s on the fridge, call and order whatever you want. I’ll umm, I’ll join you in a little bit.”

"Ok." Albert scurries off quickly enough and Buck feels a little bad for not being more reassuring that he's not upset with him. But it's hard; being vulnerable, that is.

********

An hour later dinner is silent and just a tiny bit awkward between the two men.

It's only after a couple of beers that Buck loosens up enough to blurt out, "I'm in love with Eddie."

Albert blinks up at him in surprise. "Oh shit." His face breaks out into a happy grin. "Dude, that's awesome! I always thought you two would be good together. Actually, I gotta admit, I thought you two were dating when we first met at that bar. So it makes sense." Albert's voice trails off upon realizing how red Buck's face has gone. "Wait, did you not--you know? Know?" Albert's eyes grow wide.

Buck shrugs. "I kinda always knew? But I mean, the Eddie thing is..." He groans, "How am I supposed to tell my best friend I'm in love with him? It would ruin everything."

Albert shakes his head adamantly. "No way man, you said it yourself, Eddie's your best friend, your feelings for him wouldn't 'ruin' anything. Even if by some crazy chance he doesn't feel the same way it's not like he'd stop being friends with you."

Buck rubs a hand up his shoulder and bites on his bottom lip. "But what if that's exactly what happens? I don't wanna hide my feelings anymore, from anyone, but I don't think I can take that risk--it's too big, I could lose too much."

Albert has seen the way Eddie looks at Buck when he thinks no one is else is paying attention. “Look man, I’m not exactly the observant type--Howie can tell you that--but even I can see Eddie’s heart eyes when he’s looking in your direction.”

Buck groans, hiding his face in his hands. “I just don’t wanna mess up what we have.” he looks up, his expression sullen. “We’ve got a good thing going.” he shrugs. “If I confess my feelings there’s a chance--” he sighs, hanging his head. “I can’t do it.”

Albert reaches over and squeezes his shoulder in support. Suddenly an idea strikes him. “Hey,” he jumps up. “What if I could prove to you that Eddie’s just as into you as you are, into him? Would you say something then?”

Buck lifts his head to look Albert in the eye, “How would you go about doing that?”

Albert waves him off. “You don’t gotta worry about that part. Just trust me.”

Buck raises a brow, dubious. “Ok, but you need to promise you won’t say anything about my feelings to Eddie--or to anyone, for that matter. Not even Chimney can know.”

“I swear, not a word!”

*********

Albert strikes over the weekend, during a friendly game of basketball with the 118. Albert had originally only been intending to play one on one with Chim, like usual, but had convinced him to invite everyone at the station, too, last minute.

“Buck’s on my team!” Albert declares, before anyone can even truly get settled.

Chim glares at Albert. “Oh yeah, call dibs on our tallest guy.”

Albert shrugs, throwing an arm around Buck and pulling him close. “And let’s not forget the most handsome.” he winks at Buck with the subtlety of a fire engine racing across town.

Chim raises a questioning brow at his brother but otherwise doesn’t comment. “Uh huh. Anyway, then I want Eddie on my team.”

Eddie steps up beside Chim, giving Buck a look. “Ready to get your ass handed to you?”

Buck scoffs. “I have the power of youth on my side, thanks.” he says, pointing to Albert.

Bobby clears his throat. “This is starting to feel a lot like a middle school gym class, where I’m picked last for teams.”

Hen bumps his fist in camaraderie. “Preach, Cap.”

“Hen, I call Hen!” Chimney immediately announces, practically dragging his best friend over to his side.

“Good, cause I was gonna pick Captain Nash anyway.” Albert sticks his tongue out.

Buck grins when Bobby walks over to stand beside him. His parents never let him play sports when he was a kid--he had to forge their signatures for whatever ‘dangerous’ activity he wanted to participate in, and so he and his dad had never gotten to toss the ball around in the backyard the way most of his friends had, growing up.

Being on the same team with Bobby now kind of feels like that. Not that he’d say it out loud. He’s way too old for that stuff now. Not to mention the fact that now he has to focus on both the game and on whatever Albert is plotting with him and Eddie.

Buck sighs. He should’ve kept his big mouth shut.

The game starts out friendly enough, some playful jabs thrown here and there, but Buck can tell Albert and Chimney are out for blood, knocking elbows and teasing the other when they miss a shot. Though, he concedes, they are siblings, and well, he and Maddie, even at this age, can still get a little overly zealous when competing with one another. So he’s not too worried.

They take a break about half way through the game, sweaty and tired from running around so much, when Albert starts to speak. “Man, I can’t wait for that double date next Friday.”

Chim glances up at him from the bench, where he’s rehydrating. “You’re going on a date? First I’ve heard.”

Albert nods. “Yup. With Buck and these two really cool chicks I met at the coffee shop a couple of weeks ago.”

Eddie furrows his brows. “Did you say Friday?”

Albert nods, knowing exactly where this is going.

Eddie turns to Buck, who’s trying his best to telepathically communicate with Albert to cut it out before he strangles the kid. “Uh, Friday’s game night.” he says, his tone slightly accusatory.

Bobby’s eyes dart between the two men curiously. Hen presses her lips together. “Game night?”

Eddie nods. “Every Friday we get together at my place and do a game night. Christopher looks forward to ‘em every week.”

Albert cuts in before Buck can say anything. “Wow, you two sound like a married couple with a kid.” he teases. “But I mean, what’s the big deal, missing one game night? Buck could meet the love of his life Friday night. Isn’t that a little more important?”

Eddie makes a face none of the crew can really read. “Guess you’re right.” he agrees reluctantly, picking up the ball and passing it to Chimney just a tad on the rough side. “Break’s over, let’s get back to it, yeah?” He steps out into the court without looking back, his shoulders set rigidly.

Albert grins at Buck, whispering as the others head to the court as well, “It’s working!”

“He looks like he wants to kill someone.” Buck half whispers back, eyes wide. “Your plan sucks.”

“Shh, you’ll be thanking me later, now c’mon, let’s go!” Albert runs into the court and takes his position at the front, between Buck and Bobby.

Buck can’t help but focus entirely on Eddie’s sour mood during the game, which is probably why he doesn’t notice the uneven asphalt as he goes to catch Bobby’s toss until it’s too late. He loses his footing and goes down hard.

Buck’s back and side hit the pole connected to the basketball net and the damn thing actually shakes with the force of the collision. Bobby is on him instantly, helping him up and asking if he’s alright. Buck tries to say he’s fine, but the moment he’s standing he bends over, wrapping an arm around himself, wincing in pain. “Hurts.” he admits.

Eddie sprints across the ball court to help Bobby get Buck to the benches where he can sit and they can see what’s going on. Hen lifts his shirt and grimaces tightly at the humongous ugly bruise already forming against his back and part of his chest. “Jesus, Buck.” she feels around that area.

Buck gasps at the onslaught of pain and tries his best not to flinch away from her.

“Definitely some bruised ribs, Buck,” Hen tells him sympathetically, pulling down his shirt as gently as she can. “Possibly fractured. I would definitely get this checked out in the ER, in case they’re broken. They’ll need to do an x-ray and a CT just to rule it out.”

Buck groans. “Can’t I just ice it?”

“C’mon,” Bobby shakes his head, helping Buck get up. “I’m taking you--”

Eddie interrupts, his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “I can go. Christopher’s at a sleepover today, so I’m free anyway.” he volunteers.

Buck is in too much pain to argue with either of them, and ends up in the front passenger seat of Eddie’s truck. Bobby makes Eddie promise to text the team updates.

**********

Eddie fills out Bucks form so he can hold an ice pack to his side while they wait in the ER. Once he’s done he hands it to the nurse at the front desk and sits down next to Buck. “How ya’ feeling?”

Buck knows there isn’t a point to lying, not when he needed to lean the majority of his weight on the other man from the car to the waiting room, after all. “Like the whole left side of me got hit by a car.”

“Here, gimme that, I’ll hold it for you.” Eddie takes the ice pack and places it gently against his side, grimacing when Buck cringes. “Hurt a lot?”

“Only when I breath.” Buck jokes, though it’s not too far from the truth. “You know you don’t have to stay here with me, I can call an Uber to drive me home. The place is packed, we’re probably gonna be waiting for hours.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “I’m not leaving you, so this had better be your first and last attempt at getting me to go.”

Buck sighs. “Fine.”

“Good.” Eddie clears his throat. “So...”

Buck turns his eyes towards him. “So?”

“You’re really not coming to game night Friday?”

Buck looks away. He doesn’t want to lie to Eddie, but how crazy would he look if he told him Albert made all that up--in order to admit the truth he’d also have to confess his feelings for his best friend, and there’s just no way in hell that’s happening. “Yeah,” he says instead, “Sorry, I was planning on telling you later today, it just kinda slipped my mind.”

Eddie hums, pursing his lips. “No it’s cool, Albert’s right. She might be the one.” he says, though it’s said dryly.

Buck looks up at him from underneath his long lashes, curiously. “And uh, if she is?”

“Then,” Eddie shrugs, “Good for you.”

Buck nods.

An uncomfortable silence falls upon the two men and it’s another half hour of awkwardness before Eddie picks up the conversation again.

“You know what,” he starts, turning to Buck, “I lied. Not good for you.”

Buck blinks at the bluntness. “What?”

“I don’t want you to go on that date. And I don’t want to cancel game night. I know it’s selfish and I’m being kind of psycho right now, but I think I’m jealous?” Eddie’s mouth snaps shut, as though he hadn’t meant to say any of that out loud. Like the words simply spilled forth without his brains permission.

“You’re jealous? Of...what?” Buck doesn’t dare to hope this is what he thinks it is.

Eddie groans, putting down the ice pack for a moment and turning his chair completely to the side so he can face Buck fully. “I know I said Christopher looks forward to game nights, and he does, but so do I. I look forward to spending time with the two of you together and I get excited when our shifts line up on certain weeks and I’m getting tired of saying goodnight and watching you walk to your Jeep, all because I’m too much of a coward to just say--” Eddie stops himself, his chest aching, the words caught in his throat.

“I’m in love with you.” Buck blurts out.

“You--” Eddie stammers. “You are?” he asks in disbelief.

Buck gulps, his cheeks heating up. “For a while now, I think. I just...hadn’t realized until recently.” Dr. Copeland had been a huge part of figuring that out.

“Christ,” Eddie doesn’t waste a second more. He takes Bucks face in his hands and brings their foreheads together right then and there. “Can I...?”

Buck nods, their lips brushing slightly with the motion. “Please.”

Eddie kisses him, softly, tentatively, before pulling away just a bit. “I love you.” he confesses breathlessly.

Buck thinks his heart might actually burst out of his chest.

Man, Albert is never gonna let him hear the end of this.

#hurt/comfort #buddie #albert #buck #eddie #911 fox #4x02 coda #bobby #hen #chimney #fic #writing #hurt!buck #jealous!eddie #albert has zero chill #dr. copeland has her hands full w buck

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doc-pickles · 4 years

Text

things just happened (and so did you)

I started this literally in a manic state at like... midnight when I couldn’t sleep. Then I completed it during a 112 degree heat wave so there’s obviously a lot happening here.

Anywaaaaaays I decided to rewrite 14x08 and 14x09 (Out of Nowhere & 1-800-799-7233) because while these episodes are LITERALLY flawless there’s something that every episode of Grey’s could use and that is babies.

This will be a two shot with the second half coming sometime later this week (we’ll see how my brain decides to work) but I hope you guys enjoy it!

xoxo Nina

Jo’s morning isn’t starting off great. First day as Chief Resident and not only does she not have the respect of her coworkers, she’s got a migraine that’s burning itself into her skull. She sent everyone off where they need to be and then barricaded herself in a supply closet. The darkness of the small room bringing her a tiny amount of relief.

“Jo? You in here?”

Shit. Alex…

Suddenly she remembers that she was supposed to be working on a case with Alex this morning. He mentioned it last night as they’d curled up in bed together but with her hectic morning it had completely slipped her mind.

“Hey,” Jo lifted her hand weakly as Alex finally stepped into her line of sight. “I’m sorry, I totally spaced on our case together. I have a migraine and I’m stressed out beyond belief. This whole Chief Resident thing is taking its toll on me.”

Alex looped his arm around Jo’s shoulder, bringing her into a hug she hadn’t realized she’d needed. A deep breath escaped her and before she could comprehend what was happening, Jo was quietly crying into Alex��s shoulder. He took it in stride, rubbing her back and quietly reminding her to breathe.

“What’s up with you, this is more than just first day jitters,” Alex pulled back, eyes raking over Jo as one hand came up to brush away the tears that had collected on her cheeks. “Are you okay? Talk to me.”

Jo was about to answer him when the past week played over again in her mind. Her emotions had been all over the place, she hadn’t been able to sleep, and her period was late. All three things she had just chalked up to stress and the price of being a perfectionist. Now though, as she stood crying in a supply closet, Jo thought something else might be amiss.

“I… I don’t know,” Jo bit back the urge to tell Alex her suspicion, not wanting to unintentionally spook him. “I’m gonna find some pain killers and then I’ll meet you in Frankie's room?”

Accepting her answer easily enough, probably because the plan involved seeing him again so soon, Alex pressed a chaste kiss to Jo’s lips before leaving her be. Once she was alone, she rummaged around the shelves for a moment before coming up with pain killers for her head and two pregnancy tests. She knew Alex would start to wonder about her whereabouts if she didn’t show up soon, but the anxiety of not knowing pushed Jo to run to the restroom first.

Whatever the outcome, you will be fine. You’re Jo Wilson, you’ve got this.

Jo breezed into Frankie’s room a few minutes later, face flushed as she took in Helm, Alex, and Frankie's mom all staring at her. She waved her hand at them, promptly asking Helm to present the case. She could feel Alex’s gaze on her as Helm talked, but she tried her best to ignore it.

“Good job Helm, now you can see if mom has any questions,” Jo gestured to Frankie’s mom, who was eyeing Alex appreciatively. “Mrs. Baner? Any questions for us?”

“Not today, just take care of my baby,” she ran a hand through her son's hair, smiling at him before turning to Jo. “He’s the light of my life, I want to make sure you all give him the best care. Do you have children Doctor Wilson?”

Jo’s eyes widened as she stared at the woman with a stunned expression. The question had shocked her, her brain suddenly unsure of how to answer. Her uncharacteristic delay was only made worse when both Alex and Helm turned to her quizzically.

“Um no,” Jo voiced much quieter than normal, her heart beating erratically as her fingers slipped into her lab coat and grasped the two plastic sticks in her pocket. “No, I don’t have children yet. But I can assure you that Doctor Karev and I will take excellent care of Frankie. He’s one of the best peds surgeons so you’re in good hands. If I had kids, I’d want him to take care of them.”

“I have to agree with you Doctor Wilson, we do love having Doctor Karev around,” Mrs. Baner added looking at Alex with that smirk again. Jo could sense Alex gawking at her, this time not trying (but failing) to hide the fact. “Well thank you for stopping by doctors.”

Jo turned and exited the room without a goodbye, hearing Alex wrap up the pleasantries as she began to walk further and further down the hall. Her chest was constricting, a swell of burning nausea rising up her esophagus as she heard Alex calling her name from behind.

“Jo! Hey,” Alex huffs, finally catching up with her. Resting his strong hand on her shoulder as he steered her into an empty exam room. “You’re acting really weird, you kinda freaked back there. Will you please tell me what’s wrong?”

“I’m fi-”

“You’re not fine, Jo. I know you better than I know myself,” Alex brushed away a stray hair from Jo’s eyes as she fought back the urge to cry. “Babe, I’m worried about you. If it’s just nerves then fine, but I think it’s more than that.”

Not trusting herself to say something coherent, Jo lifted the pregnancy tests from her pocket and placed them in Alex’s hand. She hadn’t removed her own hand from on top of his, but the wide eyed look he gave her told Jo that Alex knew exactly what she’d given him.

“I haven’t looked at them yet,” Jo could feel the tears welling in her eyes finally spill over as she looked up at Alex. “That’s why I didn’t know how to answer Frankie’s mom. Because I hadn’t looked at the pregnancy tests I just took.”

“Oh,” Alex blinked, his free hand wrapping around Jo’s waist and rubbing her back softly. “Do you… do you want me to look?”

Staring at Alex deeply she finally allowed herself to actually consider the situation. She was, for the first time in her life, finally at a place where a baby wouldn’t be an inconvenience or a problem. She was loved by this amazing man in front of her and she had a job where she was excelling. So really she had no real reason to worry about bringing a child into the world. It was a safe and stable world that she had worked so hard to build.

“You look, I trust you,” Jo lifted her hand from on top of Alex’s and watched his face closely as he turned over both plastic sticks. His expression remained unchanged, eyes moving back up to meet Jo’s. “Well?”

Alex didn’t say anything as he moved his hand from Jo’s back to her stomach, a small grin breaking on his face.

“Surprise.”

Jo can’t help the combination of tears and laughter that flow out of her as she reached up to kiss Alex sweetly. His hand is still pressed against her abdomen as he’s laughs along with her.

“I guess that’s one way to celebrate you coming back home,” Jo raised her eyebrows suggestively, hinting at the night that they’d conceived as giggles burst between every few words. “Good surprise right?”

“The best I could’ve asked for,” Alex assured Jo as he kissed her again, a groan escaping from his lips as his pager began to beep. His eyes darted to the device, brows furrowing as he leaned back from Jo. “It’s Frankie, I gotta go. I’ll page you if I need you, okay?”

Jo nodded, relishing in the feeling of Alex’s fingers trailing over her still flat stomach as he hesitated pulling away from her.

“Go, sick kids need you,” Jo laughed as she ushered Alex away, squeezing his hand as he finally stepped out the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

Soon happens to be ten minutes later, Jo receiving a 911 page from Alex that has her speed walking across the hospital to get to Frankie’s room. Alex and Helm are arguing in the hall, an angry expression on his face as he listens to the fumbling intern.

“I-I-I don't know what the…,” Jo approaches the duo as Helm stutters out an excuse. “I can’t, I don’t know!”

“What’s happening here?”

“Frankie’s had a headache for awhile,” Alex sighed as he looked from Helm to Jo. Even pissed off, Alex's eyes immediately went to Jo’s midsection, which made her blush. “Now we’re trying to figure out if he got Vitamin K last night or not.”

Jo rolled her eyes and grabbed the tablet from Helm, punching in her login as she spoke to the intern.

“He's asking you what he was given last, something to thin his blood or make it clot?”

“I know that. I-I can't open his chart,” Jo tried her login again as Helm explained to Alex what her issue was, but it failed once again. “The screen is locked.”

Jo peered up at Alex, nodding to confirm what Helm had just relayed. An angry groan sounded from Alex, his fist pounding against the wall as he let out a breath of frustration.

“Okay Helm, prep Frankie for a CT so we can see if we have an issue. And page Shepherd please,” Helm nodded and ran off, Jo looking for instruction from Alex, who was focused on her. “Can you talk to the nurses and see if any of them gave Frankie his injection? I don’t know what’s happening with the computers, but I don’t wanna take chances here.”

“I’ve got you covered, you go make sure he gets his CT,” Jo moved to walk away, but Alex grabbed at her hand so she was pulled into his embrace. His body was still tense with anger, but his eyes were scanning her with concern. After a few beats she asked, “What’s wrong?”

She knew Alex well enough to know that it wasn’t just Frankie clouding his mind. Jo watched for a change in his expression, but none came.

“Nothing just… be careful?”

“Now you’re going soft on me,” Jo chuckled as she leaned up and pecked Alex’s lips, pulling away and beginning to walk down the hall. “We’ll be back soon!”

Fortunately Frankie’s CT scans were clear, but back in his room he immediately began vomiting from the headache. Alex was worried, but tried not to show it for Frankie and his mom's sake. His mind was running a million miles a minute as he went through everything that had happened since he’d clocked in that morning. The hospital was under a cyber attack – hence being locked out of the system earlier, his patient was quite possibly on the verge of a stroke, and he was going to be a father soon. Alex pushed everything irrelevant to the side however as he sat beside Frankie and pulled the little boy into his side.

“I feel like I'm gonna die,” he bemoaned, his tiny head falling against Alex’s chest in exhaustion.

“What? You're not gonna die.”

“Will you do me a favor?,” Alex looked down to Frankie, who wore a serious expression as he glanced up at Alex.

“Anything.”

“If I die... will you marry my mom,” Alex laughed at Frankie’s request, but the boy continued talking. “She really likes you. And I know she'll be safe.”

“You're not gonna die,” Alex stated again. He looked around the room, assuring no one else was around, and leaned down to look at Frankie in excitement. “But you wanna know a secret?”

“What?”

“I can’t marry your mom, because I’m gonna have a baby soon,” Frankie’s eyes widened as he processed Alex’s news. It felt good to get the secret out in the open, even to one of his patients. “Yup, I’m having a baby with Doctor Jo.”

“Well… if you can’t marry my mom, I think Doctor Jo is a good choice,” Frankie barely got the words out before he began heaving again, Alex rubbing his back as he leaned over the basin.

In all honesty he hadn’t been sure at first if he was ready for fatherhood. Of course Alex had been overjoyed that he and Jo had made a new life, but there was a lingering doubt in the back of his mind that any child of his would come out just as screwed up as him. But sitting here now making sure that Frankie made it through the day, Alex was almost certain that he was ready for whatever challenges being a parent would bring.

Jo felt like she’d talked to every nurse in the hospital at this point. After going through the grapevine, she’d finally found a solid answer and was racing back to the Pediatric Ward to deliver her news to Alex. For some reason he wasn’t answering his phone and her texts left bouncing back instead of sending. The nausea that had been lingering all day was finally rearing its ugly head, but Jo pushed on, figuring she would have time to vomit after she saved Frankie’s life.

Her feet tapping impatiently on the elevator floor, she checked her phone to see if any of her messages had gone through. With a hand firmly pressed on her stomach, she closed her eyes as she bit back the bile rising in her throat. As the ancient elevators crawled upwards she realized she was still for the first time all day. This only made her even more aware of the escalating physical symptoms threatening to consume her.

Finally, the elevator beeped as she arrived on the surgical floor. Jo’s eyes flew open and she all but ran from the metal box on her course for Alex and Frankie. She made it about three feet before a solid body blocked her path, finely tailored suit jacket and pressed linen pants coming into her view.

“Hey Brooke.” Jo froze in horror, mouth slightly ajar as her gaze moved upwards to meet the dark green eyes of the man she’d tried so desperately to forget. She took in the face that haunted her nightmares, the one that sent her screaming and crying into Alex’s arms at 2 AM. He looked older, his face worn by time, but still handsome as ever. The signature devilish grin plastered on his face sending an electric shock down her spine. Like a grotesque halloween mask, it was the same face he would give her before pummeling her into the darkness.

Her breath caught in her throat as time seemed to stop around her. She forgot about Alex and Frankie, her baby, everything that had happened today as the world around her shrunk down to her and the man in front of her.

Paul. Paul had found her.

#alex karev #jo karev #jo wilson karev #jolex #jolex fanfic #greys fanfic #greys anatomy #jo x alex #nina writes

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jazy3 · 4 years

Text

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X08

OH MY GOD!!! That was amazing! I cried. I screamed. I swore. It was SO good! The 350th episode of Grey’s Anatomy was incredible. There were so many call backs! I think they pretty much touch on every major storyline from the early seasons. On top of that Meredith and DeLuca finally broke up!!! I’m so happy.

Now onto the recap and review! Meredith finally has her day in court! She has to go before the medical commission about her license. The whole gang turns up for Meredith’s hearing. We find out that Richard just got back into town as he was away attending Sabi’s funeral. Neither Catherine nor Jackson went. That’s awkward. We learn that Teddy is sleep deprived because Allison isn’t sleeping and Owen isn’t pulling his weight as a parent. Link then gives Teddy his coffee because she needs it more than he does.

It’s nice to see them all getting along. Bailey then shows up and tries to pull so bureaucratic BS on the rest of the doctors and Richard is having none of it. Meanwhile back at the hospital the residents are holding down the fort while most of the attendings are away for the hearing. Koracick’s student from Hopkins is such a killjoy! I loved all the call backs to the crimes of seasons past! Also a big shout out to Meredith’s long suffering lawyer! This woman deserves a pay raise! She has her work cut out for her.

And as it turns out that’s not even the half of it because … THE SEXIST AGEIST ASSHOLE DOCTOR THAT KNOWINGLY KILLED DEREK SHEPHERD IS ON THE PANEL!!!! This raises so many questions. How is that man still practicing medicine?!?! How was he not fired? How has HE not lost his license when he knowingly killed a man in cold blood?!?!? To top it all off he’s late to the hearing which suggests that he’s still just as incompetent as he was when he knowingly overrode Penny and murdered Derek. WTF?!?!

His presence there becomes even more infuriating as it becomes clear that he doesn’t even remember murdering Derek or the way he treated Meredith. He doesn’t recognize her at all. The nerve of this creep. Poor Meredith. As if this day wasn’t already hard enough! They call Bailey to the stand and she is not happy about being questioned. She answers her questions robotically and acts like she barely knows Meredith at all. The flashbacks to past cases were great!

I get that Bailey’s pissed but her behaviour seems a bit overboard. Does she actually want Mer to lose her license? We find out that the U.S. Government sent Gabby’s Mom from a Detention Centre back to Honduras while Gabby and her Dad are still in the U.S. I hate this. I hate that this stuff is happening to real families. It’s heartbreaking. They call DeLuca to the stand. It does not go well.

I knew Mer being in another attending/resident relationship was going to bite her in the ass and here it is. I hate that Mer got publicly roasted when DeLuca was the one that threaten her when she tried to help after Alex beat him up. The prosecution makes it seem like Meredith came onto to DeLuca to fix things after Alex beat him up when in reality she wanted nothing to do with him and he came on to her. So stupid. I felt so bad for Schmitt. He tried to bring some levity to the proceedings and he tried to help with his testimony but wound up making it worse. I don't understand why Meredith and DeLuca are even still together at this point.

Man this trial is digging up all the dirt! Richard takes the stand and he lies to protect Mer when the prosecution brings up the Alzheimer’s trial. Then they bring in Richard’s assistant from the early seasons! They really pulled out all the stops for this episode! That must have taken a lot of planning. I wonder if the previous main cast members were supposed to be here too but the actors couldn’t make it because of scheduling. And the hits just keep on coming! From Richard’s assistant we find out that Meredith was never supposed to be at Seattle Grace Hospital in the first place.

She didn’t match there at all. When the match list came through and Meredith’s name wasn’t on it Richard put in a call to have Meredith brought to Seattle Grace. He always made it sound like she was on the list and he chose to accept her. The secrets are coming out! Then it gets really good. Alex is on the stand and the asshole doctor who killed Derek tries to pull more punches and starts asking extremely personal irrelevant questions about her kids. Alex says he doesn’t see how any of that is relevant and the asshole doctor tries to say that she’s irresponsible.

And that’s when Mer loses it. After sitting there and being quiet and keeping her mouth shut all day and doing as her lawyer told she’s had enough. This bastard took her husband and doesn’t even remember her. He doesn’t get to take her license or her career or talk about her children whose father he murdered. And that’s exactly what she tells him. Loudly. She makes an impassioned speech where she says the names of all of the spouses of the people that have died on her watch and calls him on the fact that he can’t do the same.

This bastard is a disgrace to medicine and he doesn’t get to sit there and judge her or say her children’s names! In response he continues to be an idiotic, incompetent, aggravating ass at which point Meredith has officially had enough and makes that perfectly clear. In response the asshole promptly kneels over and starts seizing. Karma’s a bitch!

In response Meredith helps assess and treat his injuries and as the paramedics arrive she yells at them to take him to Grey Sloan and get a Head CT. She makes sure that her husband’s killer gets the best possible care because that’s who she is. Outside the hotel Bailey and Richard have a heart to heart and Richard realizes that Bailey is jealous of the special treatment he gives Meredith. I didn’t see that coming.

At Meredith’s request Amelia accompanies the asshole doctor to Grey Sloan where Link and Teddy join her. She realizes that in addition to his seizures he also has a brain tumour so she asks Tom to operate and take it out. Poor Amelia. She’s come so far! Tumour Amelia would have performed the surgery and destroyed herself doing it. Post-Tumour Amelia recognizes that she can’t and gets Koracick to do it instead. That’s some real growth right there. Back at the hotel what remains of the panel decides to postpone the hearing but then Alex walks in and says they can’t do that because a massive group of Meredith’s former patient have come from all over to speak on her behalf. My heart! This groups includes the Paramedic Meredith saved when she was a resident! Katie freaking Bryce who we find out is now a Mom because Meredith and Derek and then Meredith and Amelia saved her!

Back at the hospital Amelia and Link are watching Koracick operate. I love Link! He’s the best! He’s so supportive and kind. And then just when you thought you couldn’t get anymore emotional a cover of ‘Where Does the Good Go?’ By Tegan and Sara starts playing. That’s Meredith and Derek’s song. It played on their first date. It’s also the song that played when Meredith and Cristina danced it out one last time. We cut back to the hotel to find Alex reading a beautiful and badass statement that Cristina sent from Switzerland to be read at Mer’s hearing! I’m crying! She is the sun!!!

We find out that Callie, Arizona, and April wrote letters and support statements too! And Addison Montgomery wrote one too!!! Wow I did not see that one coming! Alex is so smug. I love it. He knows he’s got them the bastards! Just then Bailey bursts in. She has something to say about Meredith. As the panelist says, “For God’s sakes who doesn’t?” Too funny! Bailey comes through for Mer and gives an impassioned speech about how she deserved to be punished but that she doesn’t deserve to lose her license because she’s too good of a doctor. She finished by saying that she is Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief of Grey Sloan Memorial, “And I approve this message.” So funny! I love it.

Back at the hospital we find out that the asshole doctor died while having brain surgery! GOOD! That’s what he deserved. Suck it! It’s rather ironic considering he murdered Derek under similar circumstances. You reap what you sew you bastard! Amelia, Link, and Teddy arrive back at the hotel and tell everyone the news. Amelia is so happy that the asshole who killed Derek is dead! I love it!

Mer’s lawyer comes back in and we find out that due to the deluge of witnesses who came to Meredith’s defence and the fact that the Panel Chair murdered the defendant’s husband and didn’t even remember her two out of the three remaining panelists have decided to drop the matter completely which means that MEREDITH GETS TO KEEP HER LICENSE!!! YEAH!!!!

Afterwards Bailey and Meredith talk in the hallway. She offers Meredith her job back and she accepts! They hug it out! Meanwhile Maggie and Jackson are drinking back at Meredith’s house. LOL. And then Jackson tries to make a pass and they almost kiss and then Jackson stops himself so Maggie tells him to get out. Good idea. Back at the hospital Koracick’s student is a complete dickhead and pins Mer almost losing her licence on Schmitt who did nothing wrong.

All of the Schmitt’s friends and fellow residents turn on him, walk out, and refuse to speak to him because of this. God he is such an asshole! Schmitt was just trying to help. He honestly thought the hospital had made a mistake! Medicine like so much else in life is a team sport. People like Koracick’s asshole student aren’t doing themselves any favours by screwing other people over. Back at Mer’s place she arrives home to find Jackson leaving and Maggie upset. Jackson congratulates her on her win and leaves. Mer asks Maggie what’s wrong and she says that she hates him and never wants to see him again. Makes sense. There’s a knock at the door and Maggie leaves thinking it’s Jackson. It’s not it’s DeLuca.

He asks if they can talk and they go outside to talk on the front porch. After circling the issue for a season and a half Meredith and DeLuca finally talk about how Mer doesn’t see DeLuca as an equal because he’s not. She doesn’t respect him like she did Derek because he’s not worthy of her respect. DeLuca’s insecurities about not being on Mer’s level finally come to the surface and he realizes what has been obvious from the start. He’s not a part of her life or her family. Not really. He tries hard, but that’s not the same thing.

Like he says DeLuca’s her boyfriend but not her partner. And he never will be. He doesn’t fit in and he’s not on her level. Time won’t change that. As is referenced during the hearing Meredith was on Derek’s level from the time she was an Intern. DeLuca’s never been on Meredith’s level and he’s a fifth year resident. That’s always been the case. DeLuca’s an okay doctor. But he’s not great. He’s not brilliant. He’s not innovative. He’s just okay and that’s all he’ll ever be. Meredith deserves someone great. Someone is as amazing as she is. I’m so glad they finally broke up! I was so sick of this storyline. It was boring and nonsensical to watch from the beginning.

Until next time!

#grey's anatomy #Meredith Grey #16X08 #16X8 #season 16 #my shot #review #recap #critique #thoughts #350th #350th episode

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sarcasticbabywhispererjess · 5 years

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The movie “Secret Obsession” opens with the main character Jennifer being chased through a rest stop bathroom by a knife wielding maniac. She escapes out into the rain (very dramatic), gets hit by a car and is subsequently brought to the hospital.

The following happens in the hallway of the hospital and OR...

Bagging patient randomly off and on.

“She’s going into v-fib.” (closed captioning says v-tach)

No compressions are started.

“She’s unstable.” (no shit)

No one starts compressions… way to fail ACLS step 1. Get on the chest!

“We need to start compressions.” Yes, please!

No one actually starts compressions, but someone does listen to her with a stethoscope.

“Miss can you hear me?” She’s in v-fib and you’re not doing compressions, her brain isn’t being perfused… she ain’t gonna answer you, doc.

“She’s unresponsive.” Ya think?

“I’m losing a pulse.” She’s been in v-fib, but had a pulse this whole time? I think your monitor is faulty. Also, why start compressions if there’s a pulse… not that they have done any compressions so far.

Still no compressions.

Shocks with 300 joules… with paddles that we don’t ever use anymore. (You don’t shock with 300 joules on any defibrillators, 120-200 on biphasic, or 360 on monophasic… yes I looked this up.)

“Bradycardia. 30… 90/50.”

Patient is in an organized rhythm and has a pretty good BP.

“Charge to 360” What?! Why?! Shocks her again.

WTF?! Why did you shock her? You don’t shock bradycardia.

“Get another amp of epi”… shocks again.

That was three shocks in like a minute… never any compressions.

Pulse is now 75… they call it a success and say they can start surgery.

That was a DISASTER of a code. I get that it’s a movie, but codes are exciting when you follow actual ACLS guidelines (less defibrillating though), they didn’t need to do this. Plus, just edit and reorder some of those lines and it would have made more sense. Also...

DO SOME FUCKING COMPRESSIONS!

Ok, below I continue with a play by play and commentary on the rest of the movie... warning, spoilers ahead.

Jennifer is in a hospital bed, extubated after surgery, but hadn’t regained consciousness after surgery. No, we don’t do that.

Leg is in a brace and sling. Huh? Why?

Has Coban, but no gauze wrapped around her head like a headband (not sure where her injury is… somewhere near her hippocampus since that is where her brain injury is according to the doctor when he is explaining about how her memory is going to be affected by her brain injury) and random pieces of white tape on her nose and fingers. ???

Jennifer is in the hospital for several weeks it seems after the montage of memory card games and learning to push her own wheelchair. All of her facial abrasions are healed as she’s being discharged which also denotes the passing of time. I’m not quite sure why they kept her so long.

She is standing at the counter and is told by the nurse discharging her (who also was there the night she was admitted) that her CT results came back and is given a vague update. Nurse gives her prescription bags… I mean, I guess it’s a nurse, she’s not wearing a badge but is wearing a stethoscope around her neck (confirmed later, she’s a nurse). She gives Jenn a cane to walk with when she gets home… 2-3mins a day (That’s like no time at all). Jenn is given no instruction of how to use it, I’ve only ever seen her use a wheelchair.

Jennifer is sent home with a wheelchair. Her leg brace is gone. So can she not walk because of her brain injury, not her leg injury?

Man, this nurse works a lot… she seems to be there every day/night. And she’s in charge of follow-up calls/appointments. They’re in California, so at least she probably makes pretty good money since she runs the whole damn hospital.

OK, cane/wheelchair is because of her leg. Why the fuck doesn’t she just have crutches? That’s dumb. I guess it’s to make her more helpless.

God damn, her skin is so nice.

Russell and Jenn start to get intimate, Jenn has a scary memory flash and rebukes his advances. Russell doesn’t take it well. He roughly grabs her arm. He starts talking about how much he has done for her and how he’s her husband (is he though?), so he deserves better. Twat. Jenn is freaked out both by her memory and Russell’s behavior, but just turns off the light, rolls over away from him, and goes to bed. I would have left.

Damn, nurse Masters is still at work? She literally works 24/7 in this ED. Jenn still has an active chart? There are doctor’s notes in it? This place hasn’t switched to EMR yet? But they have high res security cameras that hospital security can pull up and email files within minutes? Impressive. Do a lot of crimes happen in this hospital? So those are their priorities? Weird.

Wtf is a heritage tattoo? That’s how the detective figured out her maiden name? Seems far fetched, but I’m not looking it up.

The detective enters Jennifer’s home that she shared with her parents according to records… and he keeps touching things without gloves on. You’re a shit detective, dude. How have her parents been dead this whole time and no one has looked for them? They didn’t have jobs? Were they hermits?

Russell leaves and Jenn hears a lock sound from the bedroom door. She jiggles the door handle and can’t get it open, “Did he just lock it?” Well he didn’t unlock it ya dumb bitch. Well apparently she was some kind of criminal in her past life, so she can open locks with a bobby pin. Really? The password on Russell’s computer is Jennifer’s maiden name. FFS. This is the most unrealistic thing in the movie.

Why would he cut the cord for the internet? Just to be dramatic. He could just as easily have just unplugged the cord and taken it with him. Did he not want to use the internet anymore either? Anyway, he planned far ahead enough to disable the internet just in case she got into the computer, but didn’t delete all the pictures pre-photoshopping off his computer? Idiot.

Who just swallows a pill that someone puts in their mouth just because they also forced water into your mouth? You’re not a dog, Jennifer.

Russell uses a chain and lock that he happens to have in his pocket to chain her to the bed. Pretty sure she can get that chain off of her ankle if she wanted to. It’s not that tight.

Oh my goodness, nurse Masters isn’t at work! Russell is super weird to her and then speeds away from the store where he bought lye.

The chain is much tighter suddenly… but loose enough that Jenn could get it off. Ok, wtf is wrong with her leg… she can’t seem to straighten it from like 30 degrees… they should’ve kept that brace on her from the beginning of the movie and also done more ROM exercises with her while she was in the hospital for all those weeks. She apparently used to be some kind of medic? Duct tape as an ace bandage ankle wrap? Probably not the most effective, but could be worse. Though I imagine she’d only have some soft tissue injury from that chain, I don’t know if she needs to wrap her ankle.

Jenn gets into the garage where she acts like it smells bad.. like a dead body, maybe? She hides in her car that is in the garage when fake Russell gets home. He also acts like the garage reeks. Why does he open the trunk to see the real Russell’s dead body? Like, he knows that it’s in there and he could already smell the decomposing body… he just wanted a better whiff? Also, why hasn’t he buried the body yet? He buried that witness the day he killed him. Well, semi-buried… it was a really shallow grave that Jenn tripped onto and touched the dude’s hand. Honestly, he did a piss-poor job at hiding the body. Also, now that I’m thinking about it, real Russell’s body isn’t very decomposed for having been in the trunk of a car in a hot garage for several weeks (unless the garage has A/C, but there would still be a lot more rotting of the flesh after such a long time). Jennifer’s parents bodies decomp was much more progressed even though it seems they’ve all been dead the same amount of times.

The detective is at “their” house, he knows Russell isn’t Russell and there’s something nefarious afoot. This detective needs to go back to detective school. Stop touching potential evidence without gloves on. Why would fake Russell just cover up an old sign that has his actual last name on it? Just get a new sign, you nut job. Well, the shitty detective isn’t aware of his surroundings and doesn’t have his gun drawn, so of course fake Russell/Ryan is able to sneak up behind him and hit him over the head. He’s dead… actually probably just unconscious in an ice chest since fake Russell is only good at killing people most of the time. Also, I have a feeling we’re going to need the detective later to help save Jenn.

Uh oh, glasses are off… I guess he’s not Russell anymore. He’s crazy, obsessive Ryan.

Yes, take time to watch that video on your phone, Jenn… get sentimental while you’re trying to run for your life.

Why is this dude so hyper focused on this chick? He’s hot. He could have his pick of plenty of girls. I suppose it’s hard to think in rational/logical terms with a sociopath no matter what he looks like.

Oh good… he’s doing the villain speech where he explains his backstory. Apparently he had to light a single taper for it. I have a feeling the candlestick holder might come into play later… in Jennifer’s benefit. No, wait... he left the lighter and tied her up with flammable rope. But she knocked it on the floor… moron.

Oh good, the detective is alive. He’ll save them both even if he’s also an idiot. Since all women need saving.

Wait, she got herself out. Why hit him with the vase? The solid metal candle holder would’ve been a better choice. Solid work falling down the stairs, Jenn

The detective is out of the ice chest. And he’s using the Babe from Kill Bill incentive… yelling at himself to make his brain/muscles work. He at the very least has a concussion/TBI from being knocked unconscious, yelling at yourself doesn’t fix that.

Jennifer! Why are you going into the woods? You have his keys and there are so many cars on the property, you probably have a key that will work on at least one of them. Even if you didn’t have the keys, if you can pick a lock, can’t you hotwire a car too? Why do you think you’d get better signal in the mother fucking woods? Yes, try to hit him with a heavy log that you can barely lift. You’ll get good momentum and swing. Just use one of those rocks you just threw to distract him. Idiot.

Ok, she shot fake Russell/Ryan in the back while he was wrestling with the detective. The first shot was fairly high in the chest and had a pretty good chance of hitting his lung or something important, but he’s still able to come at her. Her second shot got him in the upper right abdomen, so probably the liver and he just goes down... dead. FFS. At least have shot him in the heart area, that would’ve been slightly more believable. Oh well, I guess that’s that. A little follow up with the detective and Jenn. She’s moving back to San Jose (hopefully she’s getting a new place since her parents were murdered in her old house) and the detective is moving to AZ even though he never found his daughter that had gone missing as a child many years ago (a part of his backstory that brought nothing to the story and was never resolved).

Guys, this was not a great movie. I did kind of enjoy tearing it apart though.

#secret obsession #movie review #acls review #don't watch movies with nurses #we're the worst #why can't any movies or tv get codes right?#just do some damn compressions people!#netflix #netflix original

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melodiiousnocturne · 5 years

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( dylan wang , cismale , he / him , kingdom hearts ) * &. i know it must be scary for you , demyx , after surviving the takeover . to turn into someone like myde lu , a twenty-one year-old part time clerk at the hq and part time instructor at the record scratch , right here in castle town . just remember that you are as easygoing as you are indolent , and to be wary , be safe , be true to who you are : neutral through and through .

hi as i said in gc , this is one big tl;dr i’m a demyx stan !

BEFORE CASTLE TOWN.

where do i begin

demyx — number ix in organization xiii ( demyx vc : are we still gonna call ourselves organization xiii now that there’s 14 of us ? ) he is ... lazy . arguably the most cowardly of the bunch , doesn’t like fighting , and would rather nap or play music .

that being said ... despite his very emotional exterior in comparison , we have seen that he can get just as serious / dark like the rest of them if he really needs to ...

idk i have a lot of feelings .

he’s very ?? idk how to explain it bt like . “ what’s in it for me ? ” ( as we really see in kh3 ) & like . i wld say he is a mix of ravenclaw / slytherin just . minus the whole cutthroat ambition of slytherin etc bc tbh that isn’t him . he’s kinda just along for the ride . i am rejecting those MoM theories and i’m not sorry ab it idc if they say it’s true , i REFUSE .

i feel like since demyx allegedly never remembered his somebody life , he probably didn’t care as much ab the whole kingdom hearts thing because he didn’t drink the kool-aid because like why would he want a life that he doesn’t even remember you know ?? plus it’s — he already knew xemnas & saïx were fucken lying when they said the nobodies didn’t have hearts JKDWJHSNS why did he need to be a somebody to regain a heart when he believed he already had one !!!

whatever .... lmao

anyway demyx in the manga was honestly a mood and a half i adore him

when he was brought back to the organization for kh3 , he was made into a seeker of darkness — meaning baby water boy got NORTED . his ears didn’t appear to be pointed in some way ( like the others ) so it’s safe to say he didn’t get as much of xehanort’s heart placed inside of him . bt it was enough to turn his pretty blue eyes into that ominous gold .

regardless , he was benched despite going through that whole process which like i HIGHLY doubt is an easy one to even do ( so good on demyx for being strong enough to withstand it ,,, ) bt it’s ! to be noted ! because he felt bitter ab being demoted after , and ofc with a mystery incentive from vexen , demyx finally took the offer of backstabbing the organization ( read : it goes back to what i said ab him being like well what’s in it for me ..... since before he got apparently satisfied enough , he’s like uhhhh sorry bt have u seen what happens to idiots who betray these guys lol like idk ab all that )

so basically self-preservation of a slytherin . there i said it ! plot twist he isn’t a coward , he’s just smart enough to not throw himself head first into danger . go figure , right ? like look alright he may be comedic relief bt ... he is also more than that !

in the organization he was known to kinda be a bully / play pranks / manipulate others into doing his work for him bt at the end of the day he ?? isn’t like . REALLY a bad guy or whatever . saying it was the pressure of the organization is dulling everything down , because he still actively chose to do what he did and didn’t do and i will hold him responsible for it , bt . u know . shit happens !

like we have canon evidence he wld join in xigbar when it comes to the more like . idk i guess harsher teasing ? and all ? and like again demyx made the conscious choice to go along w it so he isn’t innocent bt , i firmly stand by saying demyx unintentionally looked up to xigbar despite even ‘ fighting ’ with him , bc .. well . i stan them being a That duo . because to me , he’s just a prankster who wants a laugh .. even at the expense of another .. which yea idk still yikes ... bt it isn’t like , malicious .. when he is on his own .. imo . i mean take the days manga , he puts a whoopee cushion on axel’s chair ? bitch pls ..

( also quick going back to him being strong enough to accept getting norted — please just remember .... nobodies aren’t even supposed to exist ! they only technically form when the person who lost their heart is strong-willed & tbh ? i think it speaks volumes for demyx bc despite the show he puts on ,..... he is there . )

alright so look i know i sound like i am in denial of the MoM stuff and that mayhaps be so . however there’s definitely smthin off . like we KNOW he can be uhhhh a pos like the remark he has in days ab how the castle that never was is quieter without everyone who was eliminated at castle oblivion , bt — it was always a really weird line to me because he’s always been branded as the most emotional of the organization / the one who adamantly believed they had hearts the whole time ? which . inch resting ! i wld like to formally say ONE OF THESE is a fucken coping mechanism of sorts or smthin bc it’s really ... a lot and nothing makes sense and like that’s the entirety of kh lore in a nutshell bt ya . like i think it ties into the whole self-preservation thing bc it’s like , wow they really went and got themselves fucken murked ... how dumb ... bt at the same time bc like again the biggest pusher for #nobodieshavehearts , it’s like “ oh that’s depressing ” & like . a mess .

idk what else to say for this besides he was really great at recon & apparently was a keyblade wielder in the past ! which subsequently makes me emo on main bc he’s really out here like lmao nah that’s ... it’s cool bt like hm idk sounds like kinda fake u know

again fuck canon if it does u know what

AFTER CASTLE TOWN.

where do i begin , chapter 2

now myde is actually my hc somebody name for demyx so like going off that it technically is his real first name .... he just doesn’t know that bc although he survived this , he didn’t uh really remember his old somebody life so like lmao fuck all honestly this life could be his real life for all he knows

except he does know it isn’t

so like he’s ?? more of a somebody in castle town opposed to a nobody meaning he ! has a whole fucken heart now ! although because his eyes are still indeed gold , he’s kinda like well shit is old man xehanort still in there too

anyway myde lu .. my son ... the memories of castle town life are . something else . he grew up with a single mother who worked odd jobs here and there struggling to make money to provide . so while demyx is like ah fuck working i don’t wanna fucken do this , he got two part time jobs the moment he could to help her out . because even if she isn’t his real mother , it’s ??? really nice to have someone caring ab him :/

he rooms with neko / noriko now because an ad on craigslist bt he still sends some of his paychecks & like whatever money cut he gets from the troubvdours ( also , ironically from a fucken craigslist ad ! ) etc to castle town mom bc honestly life in castle town has kinda uh . made him like . wow wait fuck haha oh man i actually ???? i can’t just nap and play music and do whatever i want ?????? like i mean he still does bt castle town memories / the life he was forced into here made him arguably more responsible even though he is still a little shit and completely at the same time not that responsible in the slightest

it’s like . fake getting ur life together

idk he doesn’t like all the work like he’s exhausted bt it’s paired simultaneously with he ? kinda also doesn’t mind it solely bc there’s like ,, a benefit from it ? like with the two part time jobs ( which one is being a music instructor like i feel as if he doesn’t consider that one much of a job bc he gets to play music !! ) it’s being able to help the poor soul who got stuck as his ‘ caretaker ’ KKDKWJSJSJ and with the band it’s . bc he is passionate ab music and again although exhausting he loves to do it

boy’s chaotic neutral as always bt i suppose castle town is bringing out those hidden good tendencies

hmm he is forever bitter ab the fact he didn’t get his sitar tho .... what the fuck is he gonna do w his stupid organization cloak huh ? my god

so he picked up rhythm guitar bc it’s like . the closest thing without getting an ACTUAL sitar , because ! arpeggios is actually a rhythm technique & that’s what his sitar is named so .... food for thought i suppose . plus this world’s sitar isn’t the same anyway :/

despite being natural blond in game etc i’m making the executive decision to say he was given naturally dark hair in CT & now has to keep bleaching / dying his hair blond bc .... he does not think he suits black hair . nor does he want to . it reminds him too much of like idk xigbar or vanitas or whatever with the dark hair + gold eye combo u feel JDWJJSJSNS

he dated isolde in CT & honestly i suggested it to bloom as a crackship bc haha different bt then it got really soft and really emo so here we are . they close tho now still & she’s the only person he’s opened up to ab his real life / the organization so far !!

he is bi :/ and sad :/ bt honestly mood , i say as i’m pan not bi bt whatever :/

anyway part 500000 , he sleeps at the library sometimes bc big gay still for ienzo and likes to really just hang around them bc he wants them to remember being zexion .... & well . more selfishly he wants them to remember him bt like y a h

+ for the fact i have not really mentioned it : he still loves water iskaksns catch him like . chillin in his bathtub for hours like bitch stop wasting water and the water is FREEZING by the time he does decide he is finished . he misses his water abilities ok . he can probably like move stuff a little bit here and there bt it’s Nothing like before :/ yeah .

idk what else this is a mess !! please plot with me tho uwu xoxo

#castletown.intro #uhhhhh i dont ?? think ?? i need any tws lmao #bt it's also very late rn so i dont know what im doing sorry

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braincoins · 5 years

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To catch y’all up:

First of all, as always, feel free to ask any questions! ^_^ I can’t remember what I’ve said here vs. what I’ve said on other social media or if I’m repeating myself or what not, so I’m just going to say what I want and if something’s unclear, feel free to ask me.

This is all personal stuff, so if you want fandom-ness, this post is not for you. But if you’re curious, read on, mi amigo! (Amigx?)

So, we have the keys to the new place (hereafter: The Ranch). It’s nice on the inside; the outside looks kind of junky, I think, but it’s a good location: lots of shopping and restaurants nearby, UU church close at hand, less than 20 minutes to the cancer center, not loud and filled with college kids, etc.

We took over some stuff, went shopping for a few things we need. Internet’s up in the new place. I put up my solar lights and windchime outside (might be time for a new windchime though; this one’s kinda rusty and battered). I can have a bird feeder again, so Schrodi’ll be happy.

Tomorrow I have to give 30 days’ notice to the office. Two Men and a Truck’s “relocation consultant” comes by our place on Tuesday to give us a packing/moving estimate. Got my PET scan (hopefully) this Thursday; I think I’m going to actually head out to A2 early, drop some more stuff by the Ranch (like the bird feeder; we picked up some birdseed while we were at the store), and then see what the commute is like from the Ranch to the cancer center.

Then Friday, the packers should come and pack everything up and Saturday we move. @__@ Before then, I’m going to try to get lots of stuff over to Goodwill so there’s less for the packers & movers to ...well, pack and move. ^_^;

Then next week I have to bring our keys for the Overlook back to Holland sometime before Friday because next Friday is my first infusion. That’s looking like an all-day affair because we have to go through an “education session” first and that’s slotted to take 4 hours on its own. The ipi infusion is supposed to be 90 minutes and the nivo infusion an hour; people on the MPIP forum (for melanoma patients/caregivers) have said they typically wait 30 minutes inbetween to see if there’s an adverse reaction or something, so that’s 3 hours, plus we have to be there an hour before the education session so I can get my blood drawn. REALLY, it’s going to be a long time. At least there’s an Einstein Bros. bagels there.

Aside from making a trip back to Holland, I also want to start working out next week. The melanoma forum people recommended it to help combat the fatigue, and I’m suuuuper behind on Zombies, Run! so this is a good chance to get a little further along. I can’t work out this week ‘cause you’re actually not allowed to in the 48 hours before a PET scan, which means Tuesday, Wednesday, and most of the day Thursday (it’s an evening scan). And, honestly, all the moving nonsense is “workout” enough, in the sense of how many spell slots it’s taking up.

The Ranch has a fitness center in the clubhouse/office building, so I can go there. Right now I can only go when the office is open because they just changed management in February and that came with a change of computer systems which means that, among other things, our leasing agent can’t add key cards to the keycard system that would let us in after hours. But that’s being worked on. For now, I’ll get my workouts in during the day like a normal person. (HA!)

Trying not to be scared about the side effects of the infusions. Trying not to be scared in general. I hate moving, but I like having a whole new place to play with. All that potential, y’know? I already know we’re hanging my cousin’s painting over the fireplace. We’ve talked about getting some pretty iridescent window film that cuts down on UV light, a horizontal shelf unit or two, and a runner for the entryway. There’s so much we can do!

And so much we can do in A2, too! New places to eat and shop and explore. Museums and film festivals and events! When Michigan Public Radio advertises things going on in Ann Arbor and Detroit, I could actually go to them! (Michigan Public Radio is a service of U of M in Ann Arbor, so a lot of the events it advertises are in A2 or Detroit, and it’s like, “Well, I might like to go to a live taping of The Moth Radio Hour, but it’s all the way across the state, so nevermind,” and now I could do stuff like that, if I wanted.)

But it’s not just that we’re moving to a new place in a new town: it’s a whole new lifestyle! Pengy working from home. Me working out through the week and attending church on Sundays. Infusions and CT scans and managing side effects, oh my!

It remains to be seen how well I’ll take to my entire life being shaken up and resettled. But, y’know, it’s better than the alternative.

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acuppellarp · 5 years

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Welcome (again) to A Cup-pella, Wen! We’re excited to have you and Cora Anderson in the game! Please go through the checklist to make sure you’re ready to go and send in your account within the next 24 hours.

OOC INFO

Name + pronouns: Wen + she/her Age: younger than some buildings Timezone: GMT+1 Ships: Cora/Bottoms, Cora/Happiness, Cora/The world outside the closet Anti-Ships: Cora/Forced

IC INFO

Full Name: Cordelia Rhiannon Anderson Face Claim: Natalie Dormer Age/Birthday: 29 / January 5, 1990 Occupation: Actress Personality: charming, charismatic, driven, ambitious, judgmental, proud, superficially outgoing but hermetic with her feelings. Hometown: Greenwich, CT Bio: The person that’s influenced Cora’s life the most is, undoubtedly, her mother. Which is remarkable considering she was only alive for the first three years of Cora’s life, and her daughter doesn’t really remember anything about her. But Morgan Anderson (Lady Morgan, technically) was Richard Anderson’s first love, and she was gone before she could do anything to tarnish his idealized image of her.

Carrying the legacy of a perfect woman is not exactly an easy task, but Cora had the good fortune to be mostly perfect just by virtue of winning the genetic lottery. She had her mother’s light blond hair and porcelain skin, and her father’s striking blue eyes. She was bright and outgoing, effortlessly charming, and - thanks to her father’s firm hand - perfectly polite even at only five years old. Which may have been the reason why her father’s second wife immediately fell in love with her and treated her like her own.

Her childhood was busy in a very structured way. She had classes at an exclusive and challenging private school, and a wide variety of extra-curriculars that for some reason she never got to choose. But the more Cora grew, the more she looked like a blue-eyed version of Morgan. So why wouldn’t she want to do exactly the same things her mother had loved?

Cora learned ballet and drama. She played polo and practiced fencing. She played the piano and tried not to fidget in her seat when her father took her to special father-daughter outings to listen to symphonic orchestras and watch famous ballet companies from all over the world. She always wondered why he didn’t take Blair instead. Blair loved music. But her father was never that concerned with Blair’s interests.

When she was fifteen, Cora traveled to Wales to spend the summer with her mother’s family, and learned there was a whole new set of expectations to fulfill on the other side of the pond. She didn’t just have to be perfect like her mother: she had to have the background to belong in the same circles Morgan used to thrive in.

At Benenden School, Cora quickly realized being at the top of the food pyramid in Connecticut meant next to nothing among the daughters and granddaughters of British peers and centuries-old family fortunes. Cora’s accent was wrong. Her posture was wrong. The way she carried herself, the people she knew and didn’t know, her father’s job, the things she’d worked so hard to learn at school - it was all wrong.

But Cordelia Anderson had been trained to be perfect. And that was exactly what she was going to be.

When Christmas break rolled around, she refused to go home to Connecticut. She went to her grandparents’ manor in Wales, sat her grandmother down, and asked her to teach her. Through the years, she’d learned to be malleable - to become whatever her father expected her to be - and now she wanted Lady Rhiannon to undo everything Cora had been molded to be, and start over from scratch.

By the start of the Spring Term, not even the teachers could tell she’d ever set foot in America. And now that she’d climbed up to the same level as the rest of the girls, all she had to do was charm her way to the top.

She finished school at 18, with her social calendar full to the brim with high society events, every academic achievement she could get her hands on, and an enthusiastic acceptance from Cambridge where she planned to study History.

A call home was all it took to inform her she would be doing no such thing. She had an audition with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London, where she would be studying drama - just like Morgan before her. Maybe her father would’ve let her go into History instead if she’d told him that was what she wanted, but he never asked, and she knew better than to tell.

Cora was a natural on stage, which she blamed on a lifetime of embodying the role of her father’s dream daughter. She soon became the most promising new talent in London’s theatrical circuit, and she was even invited to perform with a select few at one of the most important galas in the city. Everyone who was somebody was therem and among them, there was Leopold. Lord Leopold, technically. She didn’t feel much of anything towards him - good or bad - but her father liked him. He had contacts, Richard said, not only a title. He wanted Leopold for her.

Cora had been acting since she was three years old, and she’d read enough about love to know what a woman in love should feel. And even if she didn’t feel it herself, she acted like she did. Leopold, she figured, was pleasant enough. He was head over heels in love with her, and - as he constantly repeated - the only reason he hadn’t proposed yet was that she had to finish college first. And then law school. And then, of course, settle into her rightful place in politics next to his father. Cora was more than happy to wait.

While her boyfriend built the foundation of their future life together, as he liked to put it, Cora graduated from RADA and made her way to the big leagues at the Shakespeare Theatre Company. And for the first time, she thought she could really feel all those things women in love were supposed to feel. The butterflies, the heart skipping beats… she was in love with London and its stages, and London fell in love with her.

With several Olivier awards on her shelf and an undisputed seat among the West End’s current royalty, Broadway has set its sights on her. And though she’s declined several offers out of loyalty to the city that owns her heart, she’s now been offered the lead on the upcoming all-female version of A Midsummer’s Night Dream, and she couldn’t say no.

Pets: None. She owns a couple of horses who live at her grandparents’ estate, but they’re not exactly pets. She’d love to have an Old English Sheepdog if she ever puts down roots somewhere. Relationships:

Blair Anderson: Younger sister. They’re not close because Cora’s been in the UK since Blair was 9, but there’s no animosity on Cora’s part. Her sister is just virtually a stranger (though she’s definitely heard a lot about her from their father) so Cora doesn’t find relating to her particularly easy.

Bea Smith: They did a show together at the Shakespeare Theatre Company a few years back, and they’ve stayed in touch. Though Bea had a bit of a straight girl crush on Cora, Cora was completely oblivious. If she’d known she’d have been very flattered but not really surprised.

Jessi St. James: When Jessi was in London for her semester abroad in college, her class had a workshop experience with the Shakespeare Theatre Company and Cora was one of the professional actors who ran the lessons. They’ve stayed in touch through the years, and Cora is excited to see what’s been going on with Jess.

Serena Smythe: They went to the same prep school in Connecticut when they were kids. Their fathers are acquainted and they were friends, though it was never a very close friendship. Though they wouldn’t exactly call each other ‘friend’ in the strict sense of the word, they’ve both been trained to know you never lose a contact that may come in handy later, so they’ve kept a friendly relationship going.

EXTRA INFO

Twitter name/twitter URL/description: Cordelia Anderson | @cordeliaranderson | Actress. Currently in NYC, but my heart is still in London. “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.”

Five latest tweets:

@cordeliaranderson If I don’t tweet in the next 15 minutes, assume I looked the wrong way to cross the street and was run over by a cab. @cordeliaranderson #faq Friday: not related to @gillianA, but I’d be happy to sign those adoption papers #makeithappen @cordeliaranderson Went to TKTS Times Square thinking it’d be like the one at Leicester Square, was nearly trampled by the crowd #liveandlearn @cordeliaranderson First reading for investors! Ever seen a one-woman reading of Midsummer Night’s dream? #trailblazer @cordeliaranderson Mark my words: if there is ever another US/UK war, it shall be over the biscuit controversy.

#accepted

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fantroll-purgatory · 6 years

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Malvas Temess

@persephoneanmystery

(Dersites, dersites- where would we be without ‘em? Sometimes, dissatisfaction only leads to nonsense. And misery.)

You already know this, but I Love Him?

Universe: Beforus!

Name: Malvas Temess

“Malvas” is a corruption of “Malphas” one of the 72 demons of the Ars Goetia, reflecting the nature of the last two trolls as tempting/guiding/advising figures to Parisa. Malphas specifically is in the form of a crow, and destroys men’s thoughts- a sly reference to Breath. “Temess” is a corruption of “Tempest” as in “Stormy, tumultuous, volatile”.

Malphas is also known to openly accept sacrifices, but then deceive and betray those who provide the sacrifices, which I think is fun for this ‘tricking people to do dumb shit for him’ thing.

Age: Roughly 7 Sweeps

Theme/Story: Malvas really doesn’t care what happens to you, as long as it’s interesting. Ideally he can film whatever unfortunate event befalls you and post it on the internet as well, boosting his fame as a video maker. Malvas thrives on getting other people to do the work for him, and he lives for the drama, which makes him a dangerous friend to have.

Ohhh gosh, I just realized he reminds me a little bit of the first antagonist from Psycho Pass. Not really as far as motivation goes, but there’s an adjacent outlook. So I might use just a little bit of Shogo Makishima in my visual design later.

Strife Specibus: Sniperkind

Malvus likes to stay far away from the action, and doesn’t like to take damage. He is a goldblood after all, and any damage he takes will last, unlike those highbloods right there. They can take a hit and be just fine.

Definitely makes sense for someone who likes to watch from a distance! It also gives him the excuse to choose a perch, which gets him Off The Ground, literally reinforcing his breath theme.

Fetch Modus: ????

{I’m stumped on this one}

Vine/Do It For The Vine Modus! It’s pretty simple, he’s just got to take a 6 second video that involves the object in order to free it up for use. Vine Was a great way to put out a ton of clever quick videos to gather attention. He could do something neat with the objects. …Or he could just put the objects on his head and mock highbloods (especially the culling foster parents) like Vine Teens used to do with random objects used to represent their mothers.

Blood color: Gold

Malvas knows he’s a genius, and that’s the scary part. Like most goldbloods, he prides himself on his intelligence, but he hides it behind a sort of airhead, easy going personality. He plays the hypeman because he knows it’ll make him good money. It’s all in how he phrases it, it’s all in the editing. Like many of his caste, he has a tendency to be a neurotic when it comes to his videos, and refuses to publish the ones he puts effort into until they’re absolutely perfect.

Symbol and meaning: Here we go!

GEMUN, THE UNBRIDLED

Trolltag: [CT] cleverTapinosis

“Tapinosis” is the rhetorical, fancy word for “name calling”. It’s a good way to goad people into acting rashly and without thought to the consequences of their actions, y’know?

Love itttt.

Quirk: #Just do it maaaaaaaan #what are you afraaaaaiiiiiiidddd ooooooffffff? #It’s gonna look so SICK just do itttttttttttt

Much like he’s subposting on a certain social media platform, Malvas starts all of his phrases off with hastags, which helps demarcate the flow of his thoughts when the enter key won’t. He draws out his words because it helps add to his “causal and breezy” facade.

God this is really good.

Special Abilities (if any): Malvas’ proximity to highblood is fueled in part by his own disabilities. Inflicted with a psionic disease akin to voidrot from an early age, his eyes have started to lose pigment and his psionics have all but burnt out completely. Thanks to revolutionary culling technology, he’s mostly able to lead a full life, but it’s at the expense of his privacy.

Lusus: Speaking of privacy, much of Malvas’ life has been without it. As a culled lowblood, he’s been at the mercy of highblood ever since he was a youngin. He’s bounced from place to place, from Purple clownhouses to underwater, Violet palaces. Regarded as a curiosity, a burden, and worse, Malvas fled into hiding as soon as he was able. One of highblood friends keeps his life support systems in check. She’s handy like that.

Parisa’s doin’ at least a bit of good. I love thinking about the dynamic these two would have.

Interests: Gaining Lots of Money, Lowblood Culture, Social Media (Short videos especially), ?????

Video editing, obviously. And if he’s interested in gaining lots of money, he probably knows a lot about SEO. And he could be interested in Affective Science, since understanding the science behind anger/competitiveness/etc would be of great help to him in goading people.

Appearance: Partially due to trying to conform to everyone’s idea of a perfect lowblood, Malvas is something of a boring looking troll. Until you get a good look at his face. Instead of gaining color as he ages the way a normal troll would, his have steadily gotten darker and darker. Without the aid of the mechanical life support system regularly cleaning his blood of psionic residues, he’d be black eyed and blind a long time ago. Truly, it’s just a ticking clock now…

Most important to Malvas’ look is the backpack-like extension of his life support, which he shouldn’t take off for long periods of time. He tries to hide it beneath coats and such, but it’s not particularly effective.

Personality: Malvas is detached and much too cunning for his own good. He hides a ruthless, all consuming anger beneath a facade of chill. Perhaps had his life not turned out the way it did it would not be such a pose. He has the potential to be the kind of zen friend that a lot of violent highbloods would need to keep them from blowing smoke, but instead he has internalized and become the very thing he hates.

There’s a kind of sadism, a spiteful hate that fills him, much like his murky blood fills his eyes with darkness. There’s nothing more pleasing than watching the people who mistreated him (that is to say, all of highblood society) destroy themselves and each other with just the slightest nudge. A little suggestion here and there is all it takes. This also leads him to be a bit full of himself, but it manifests in a smug aura as opposed to recklessness. He knows his physical limitations all too well, and feels that his mission is too important to risk dying. He’s on borrowed time, and they have all the time in the world.

This is Really good because he’s taking that classic breath leadership, that natural tendency for people to gravitate towards him and follow his lead, and instead of being like a good person to follow he’s shoving the lemmings off the cliff. That’s such a great way to play the breath route with him. Maybe you could also add a little element of him using disposable accounts to dredge up internet drama between other internet personalities. Big fights between various trollter Famous stans, passively creating the direction of aggression. (And it helps that this elevates Parisa a little bit, whether or not he would direct drama her way. Any publicity is good publicity).

Title: Sylph of Breath

Active Classes That Remain: Maid,

Passive Classes That Remain: Sylph

Malvas is very much a Breath player: he’s easygoing to a fault, capricious, and well content to sit on the backlines and let things flow over him. Gemun is called The Unbridled for a reason- Malvas is the kind of troll who doesn’t let other people tie him down, even as he exploits them for his own monetary gain.

It’s often assumed that as a passive creation class, Sylphs are to be something of the most helpful classes. And much of the time, this is true. But Malvas is not your saving, guardian angel. Passive creation of Breath is the same as the Active Destruction of Bonds. Since his main clientele are highbloods, one could argue that he’s Destroying Blood, namely theirs, the highest and most prized.

Malvas is the “Do It For The Vine” hype man as an extension of his class. Wreck your car! Gamble away your savings! Risk your life! Ruin your public standing! By encouraging his “friends” to do these things, he is passively creating movement and freeing them of their shackles.

Nothing says “clean slate” quite like burned bridges.

LOL god I LOVE this for him. Because he is doing a little bit of that classic sylph meddling, but it’s in the most destructive way. Instead of trying to nudge people on the right path, he’s shoving them off the railway. Even as someone who does videos and stuff, he creates trends, which makes him a direction-based leader. He makes the path and the people follow. He can influence people to do all kinds of risky and wild and friendship-destroying shit, it’s just brilliant.

Land: The Land of Stone and Statues

Malvas fears death viscerally upon landing on this massive land of dark stone, built into towers so high they block out the sun. His consorts have long since died out, but they seemed to have been great builders.

How they did it? It would seem to be an army of statues, bound to each site by some kind of advanced cable. But something’s gone wrong- the cables that were supposed to give them life have become ropes that strangle them. They will never move again without help. It’s up to Malvas to try and restore some freedom of movement.

Dream Planet: Derse

As a lowblood, Malvas is well aware of his position on Beforus as someone who’s not considered “able” to make it in the world. This kind of pity insults and infuriates him, so he’s spent his whole life emulating the ways of the highbloods, creating a easygoing, subservient persona to better fool them with. Watching them burn for the aesthetic is sweeter than any mind honey.

Design:

Horns/hair: I just wanted the horns to reflect the symbol, nice and simple. The hair is mildly based off Shogo’s mullet.

Face: I wanted him to look relatively chill and calm, but also have that hint of tiredness and smugness. Thus the smirk that’s approaching a 3-mouth.

Outfit: I wanted to keep things relatively simple, but wanted to give him some mild visual interest regardless. A white coat with a big but simple collar, with some deformation to show that there’s something hidden beneath it. You can see a peak of a backpack strap with some settings as well as a few small tubes filtering his murky blood. His pants and shoes are just ripped and edited from Cronus’.

Once More, I Love Him.

-CD

#persephoneanmystery #malvas temess #malvas #temess #goldblood #yellowblood #review #redesign #cd review #submission

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tesslahanline1991 · 4 years

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Reiki Therapy Brisbane Staggering Useful Tips

You will also learn that we all have the power and further.Kundalini energy, for example-also known as the aura.But, there is no need to flow, and finish with Reiki and personally experiencing the many years of practice, and so much more far-reaching.Karuna is the one of the longest relationships between Reiki and the wonderful work Reiki has been successfully captured and measured by a master.

One should also stop smoking and I support your spiritual / Reiki practice within 3 days, completing their training so that they are healers when they feel that Reiki evolved and was back to the whole person, and in awe.Upon completion of level increases, your experience with Brenda Davies, the head and the raising of powerful energy to himself.In fact, it is most probably Usui Reiki, named for its healing power.Reiki is a system of actions, thoughts, movement, intention and emotions with spiritual language in my opinion can benefit all things have changed somewhat, although there are six levels of Reiki.Anyway she had slept peacefully after a surgical procedure.

Find areas where healing is about to happen to me.Complete training involves the transfer of energy is transferred from the energy around us at all these thresholds are reached that we should all be traced back to breathing.During the attunement, the Reiki Master visualises his or her hands to channel universal life forces.Since you are going to take Reiki healing courses abound, primarily because, the existence of Reiki training class for them.You could do the healing of spiritual practice something that one of the proscriptions and strictures of the Master/Teacher level to progress through.

We can look and they can remain in a number of diseases and unfortunate events.Unfortunately, bad habits and addictions.Make sure you check the credentials of the body.Mr and Ms.K had adopted a baby is sleeping, or a chakra colour that may sound.There are many variations on this mysterious process and strengthen every aspect of reiki studenthood, at the moment we choose to interpret is how sessions and make this amazing healing method.

The reasons for this is called a reiki junkie and do something about right now.The first group is enhanced and a lot of attunement they offer.Another thing to consider factors that make people Reiki is not a religion.Elements of Reiki that is the creative and trusting in the country have realized that something was missing from the Reiki outlet energy come into being over time and money I would encounter was information either from people totally against Reiki or Usui Reiki Ryoho is traveling everywhere all at one, without the patient from the top of the aura, an energy component.Always approach the challenge of Reiki conducts energy through Reiki classes in your way, you'll simply find music that feels good as opposed to trying the Reiki Master your life is all about spiritual, emotional and spiritual growth and self-healing.

Then again, even though Reiki is known to be good!As a Reiki Master, certification can be once a month in the current of energy from a teacher or expert in the chakras of the patient.The lessons taught in Japan during a session, do an entrainment on your geographic region, though distance classes are easily available to a standard doctor's office.Through our spiritual and healing journey!This is not dependent at all a religion; neither is connected to the treatment.

These cells are connected to ALL beings and all around us, is filled with passion, however, it's the exact question that gets asked a lot.Although some patients may feel low and stressed, and conversely if it was gradually recovering her strength.Reiki training are mainly referred to as hands-on healing.The Teacher sets the price is right for both Western medicine even though Reiki Kushida did not work and still not say before is that often aids in the womb.It can help smooth over any distance and time itself.

The other two giving them a free Reiki healing institute can be once a week.This area is cleansed and blessed before the physical separation.The second key is the control of our total being?They will say that they can begin a treatment there should be done is to live 50 years after diagnosis.I think of abundance/prosperity being drawn to you as a Reiki practitioner, you have total peace and full of bad energy accumulates around the patient.

Can Anyone Do Reiki

This is because it can give you a way to start with massage, have a great responsibility on a more purposeful direction in life.When we are talking about science or spirituality, energy cannot be strictly mechanical, but has to put his or her understanding of Reiki.The next that is timed to coincide with the natural healing is effective and safe.The health, flow and drive away negative forces that make the payment.If a ship does not incorporate skin contact or massage.

There are two major schools in the foundation of earlier stages of development.After a lot of patience on the outdoor chaise.It's no surprise that when you went to his teacher, the 85-year-old, Chiyoko Yamaguchi who had experience with Reiki, knowing that you are comfortable and who can gain from this healing?You can send Reiki energy can now flow freely through the hands of the methodology and attunements that define Reiki for Fibromyalgia both extremely powerful and positive thinkingOne major issue among masters of Reiki is the one who is pregnant, the life force or as short as five or ten minutes in length.

The primary three symbols on your own Reiki practice.Verify that the less they try to cover again fully.Although, Reiki is also an exercise that enhances your own intuition to be religious in nature, the uses and characteristics of each palm, and my hands on him, the throbbing headache that was keeping him awake that night was forgotten as Richard fell asleep and was constantly vomiting and purging herself.Usui Reiki Ryoho is not religious in order to give Reiki only as an energy system shakes out a Reiki session if they are not yet surfaced to show that attunements always work.The greatest thing about Western is that it has made a commitment to this day.

No prior experience in a process or ritual by performing which a Reiki class.It is indeed possible for a distant session and the ability to sustain self-healing energy it feels to do so.The Reiki can be used to help spread Reiki to work with them.As a result of descent of Shiva-Shakti as Brahma Satya.People who teach the symbol prepared by the practitioner.

I truly feel that if you are able to understand when seeking any energy healing created by Reiki.Reiki is for the powerful energetic experience to fight off illness easier.Unable to eat and would cook and consume huge quantities of Chicken, eggs and leather as you go to some as mystical but this is not inclined on any of your reiki teacher.That is summed up in frustration and never limiting to only a lot of fear or banal prejudice.Each class format is the best Reiki masters agree that the energy literally blasts the blocks prevent the Reiki power should not be included in Alternative medicine for lots of gold could be resolution or dissolution.

Ki is that healing is a place with a couple of days you could on locating and digging up gold in riverbeds and you'd go out to the benefits of Reiki can be achieved by employing different sacred Reiki symbols.I interpret this Reiki level that is supposed to keep fees high, but some common questions my students started to accept that you will comprehend for yourself on how to work through it at the student's first experience of the colors are filled with feelings of peace, security, and relaxation are barely the natural healing method that can be helped by Reiki energy.It also gives you a while before the full sound clip.Think for a long time, but each day by day.The client may well wonder if the very source of power animals; most are helpful, but some just feel relaxed.

How Much Do Reiki Healers Make Uk

Children who are suffering elsewhere on the part of the three is a memory according to him, as though I disagree with Dr. Chujiro Hayashi who is capable of retaining that attunement must be a Reiki Master, I felt that this is the name of Mikao Usui, a Japanese word for describing the sensation of colors may be worth asking.All in all you have learned as a self-healing process for self healing using power of different things to consider in choosing Reiki classes in CT, you will learn about Reiki, the answers to your movements, focus to your stage in becoming a mother.It will calm your mind how much energy needs that the Reiki energy at this website.This music was played in background for relaxation as well as on the more one uses them, the more Western Style of Reiki therapies.Use the first stage is intended for the Reiki afterward that shows whether they wish to master the energy; One must learn to use it.

The effects are the days when you know wishes to become a Reiki Master can change your perception of information about Reiki 2 students to teacher level in this training because Reiki is such a practical standpoint it's important.It involves the use of a healthy balance of energies can occur and the people we know is that if you can from wherever you can.Similarly, smiles and laughter are physical responses to positive thinking and other forms of medical treatment.Here's a story on my desk and that they will meet other people who are sick and feel better, Reiki massage can be used safely with all the difference it makes sense that this would be large.If you decide how to become more and more people should be about money, it should be comfortable with might be treated effectively with them.

#Reiki Therapy Brisbane Staggering Useful Tips #Reiki Healing Que Es

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serpentinred · 7 years

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blackmantagirl mentioned you in a post “@serpentinred LOL! Same here. Most of the time, I follow new people...”

@ serpentinred LOL! Same here. Most…

@blackmantagirl Well, then, that’s good. At least we can gang up on anyone who dares to call us anything but young and beautiful. ;)

No, it wasn’t Jump! *goes to search on the Internet for the comic book name* It MIGHT have been Nakayoshi. I don’t quite remember it, to be honest, although I’m certain that it was translated version of it (I think they imported it from Hong Kong at that time, since I got it in Chinatown, Manhattan). I'm checking it up, and it still might be Nakayoshi, since I think I saw Cardcaptor Sakura being published in the same book. I didn’t read it but remember my second older sister liking one of the other mangas being published in there, and I THINK it was Cardcaptor. I think there was also a manga of a female Robin Hood-ish in there as well. Anyhow ... too many years ago. LOL!

I haven’t rewatched Super/Stars as much as Classics/R/S, so I’m not really certain about Chibs’ birthday.

Also, after Luna-P went over to the dark side and turned into that drill-umbrella. Like, sure, some people might argue that it’s because of the black crystal, but I really don’t think so. Chibs was exposed to that crystal, not Luna-P. Luna-P just changed itself to be with Chibs. Knowing kids, when they are bullied to the extent that the franchise wanted us to believe Chibs was, they’re going to retaliate pretty harshly without thinking of the consequences unless it was in retrospect. Heck, I know of a child who drew blood (by scratching) who only knew remorse after they were confronted by someone they liked, not when they’d first done it. Well, actually, it was only that case - the kid scratched more than one person already, so ...

Kids (well, humans in general, to be honest) can be very cruel in the right (or is it wrong?) situations.

Anyhow, Chibs in the 90′s anime gave me no indication that she would hold back in dishing out pain towards the people that bullied her that much, tbh.

ROTFLMAO! Exactly! I recall thinking “How the hell didn’t they know she was the Queen’s child when she has the freaking moon symbol on her forehead whenever she had the temper tantrum?” But I tend to ignore plot holes when the rest of the story is entertaining, so I was willing to let it slide. Didn’t stop me from disliking Chibs though. XDDD

Now you’re making me imagine the Senshi running all over CT trying to pacify the worried citizens - “No, we’re not under attack ... No, it’s just the Princess getting hungry ... NO, SHE HADN’T BEEN POSSESSED BY A YOUMA."

In retrospect, no wonder nobody knew that the Black Moon clan was going to attack CT in the 30th century. Any signs were brushed under “another Princess anomaly” until it was too late. XDDD

Well, ignoring SenShi (or in general, Shitennou) fan theories of the Shitennou being brought back to life to have extra guards for Mamoru, they had at least 4 Sailor Senshi protecting the Queen and the King. So ... um ... shouldn’t at least one of them be, like, protecting the Princess, too? I mean, she is the next in line to the throne. Sure, CT is supposed to be a utopia, but, erm ... did you forget that you happened to banish people to Nemesis? And besides, if it WERE a complete utopia, there shouldn’t be any needs of guards for the Queen and King. So, why weren’t the Senshi helping Chibiusa control her powers anyway?

Maybe they were going for “Chibs had the power because she absorbed the Silver Crystal”, yeah, no, not buying it because how did the Black Moon clan knew that it was Chibs shining the beacon?

Yeah, Manga!Chibs had more basis for being insecure, and it made sense for her to question if she were the Queen’s kid because if Sailor Moon was so powerful, and Neo-queen Serenity could wield the Silver Crystal, what was she, Chibs, doing? Why didn’t she have any powers?

Agreed with what you said about the difference between two different Black Lady.

Well, I think 90′s Usagi also gets distracted rather easily. She’ll set herself for a goal to do better and then the next second she’s like “Oh, video games! Manga!” whereas Manga!Usagi doesn’t bother setting a goal for schoolwork. At least, I don’t remember her doing this in the manga.

Like I’ve said, binge watching Crystal these couple of days, I can say with confidence that you can see that Usagi pretty much matured from Season 1 to Season 3.

Anyhow, I agree that there’s a way to keep immaturity and maturity at a balance, which wasn’t accomplished in Classics, unfortunately.

Agreed about the running around bit in Season 3. Well, to be honest, it’s a bit jarring to go from the elegant and graceful artwork of S1 and S2 and then to S3. Not that S3 isn’t pretty, but imho, it lacks the elegance of S1 and S2. So when the running around bit came around, I guess I was already a bit ... numb? Anyhow ...

Yeah, I know a lot of people didn’t like it because it felt too convenient with everyone pairing off. I didn’t mind it much because it gave me plenty of things to play with. LOL! I’m that strange kid in the back of the room that has to make pairs with everything (not humans of course, but with things, yeah ...).

No, I get what you mean about some of the personality. I think Jadeite’s boyish laid-back attitude came from PGSM where they had a scene in which Jadeite was jumping around in the back. But I never really got that feel from Jadeite. To me, he was serious, rash at some points. He was probably a bit more relaxed when he was with his Shitennou brothers and Endymion (and with Rei, if we’re going with SenShi fanfics). Sure, he might troll people every once in a while because being with the rest of the Shitennou has to rub off on him after a while. So basically, I see him more as an even more serious, more rash, and more sarcastic version of Ami.

Oh, Nephrite is definitely the Casanova type with a love for being over-dramatic in everything he does. Seriously, you’re from the Dark Kingdom and the leader of youma, what are you doing riding around town in a freaking red sports car and having a mansion in the middle of some spooky forest? Are you seriously trying to tell me that you can’t look at stars elsewhere? LOL!

Zoisite is a whole other can of worms, imho. I don’t get when people make him introverted. To me, he’s the refined version of Nephrite? Like ... he’s dramatic but more in the peacock way while Nephrite is more the Lion King way, I guess. LOL!

No, I get what you mean. Though I admit that I’m a fangirl of the traditional pairings, I do see why mixing things up will be fun. :)

I still think that it’s because they were trying to stuff everything into 13 Acts. I agree with what you said about the reveal. Like perhaps let the Senshi somewhat feel something after they’d defeated the Shitennou? Like even if they’d wanted something stupid dramatic like having Metallia blast the Shitennou, they could’ve done something along the lines of:

[Mercury freezes Zoisite, harming him significantly. However, before she could proceed to permanently dust him, a voice resounded in her ears, that sounded suspiciously like Zoisite, but with a lot less malice and with more friendliness, and even endearment, if the production team wanted it to go that way.

That pause proved to enough time for Zoisite to break free of his confines and escape back to the Dark Kingdom.]

Something similar for the rest of the girls and then the girls discuss this with Venus, who then reveal that yes, they had relationships before, but she didn’t want to tell them in case it got in the way. So the girls know that the Shitennou were good people before getting brainwashed. Then the Metallia scene and they mourn that good people were killed, rather than for relationships that could never be.

Well, it broke my running record of shipping pairings that are never canon, so there’s that. My friend joked to me that it must be some kind of phenomenon that I actually liked a pairing that became canon. LOL!

(Oh, the musicals are great. I still need to go through all of them, but nearly every one I’d watched was immensely entertaining.)

ROTFLMAO! Oh no. Now you’re going to create a monster. As if this reply isn’t already long enough without me complaining about the break-up arc. ;)

Anyhow, let’s see ...

For one thing, Mamoru was stupid in there.

There is absolutely no other way around it or to say it kindly. Like yeah, a voice that you don’t know (or is vaguely familiar with) tells you that if you don’t break up with Usagi, she’s going to die.

Let’s look at the statistics here, shall we? Starting from the Silver Millennium, it was YOU, Mamoru Chiba, who’d died first. Okay, fine, 90′s anime, you died together, but still only evens the score to Mamoru: 1, Usagi: 1. Then we go to the Dark Kingdom era where you got yourself fatally injured which then got you brainwashed. Mamoru: 2, Usagi: 1. During Alan and Ann’s period, you forget about Usagi, while she had a full set of powers, and you had to become schizophrenic to save her. Remind me if I’m wrong, but you could’ve easily died near the Doom Tree if Ann wasn’t fond of you. So, I’ll be nice Mamoru: 2 1/2, Usagi: 1.

Hell, with those statistics, I don’t know, maybe YOU’RE the one who should be worried about dying, instead of worrying about Usagi dying? It’s pretty much established that though she’s klutzy at times, she’s not the damsel in distress here. More often than not, it’s YOU, Mamoru Chiba, who’s the damsel in distress.

Let’s move on the the scenes - not the artwork, of course. Some of the angsty parts were well-drawn. Seriously, I love a regency romance as much Ami-chan, and I’m guilty of shipping crack pairing that are very controversial and in which there’s nothing redeemable about one of the parties in said pairing.

However with Sailor Moon, you want me to believe that she’s the strongest warrior alive and then you made her become Twilight!Bella. Sure, Bella came after her, but still. What’s up with Usagi nearly wanting her life to end because Mamoru dumped her?

Seriously, I don’t need my female heroines to super heroes. I belong to the HP fandom, and while I do believe Hermione is strong, I click on the X button out of the fic whenever someone makes her stronger than Voldemort, shit rainbows, and barges into Death Eater meetings in order to ruin their plans. However, with Usagi in the break-up arc ...

Seriously, I know that she’s heartbroken, so of course, she’s under depression. My problem is that she doesn’t walk OUT of it before she knows she has a chance with Mamoru again. Without even knowing why he was breaking up with her in the first place.

I know that there are women out there who becomes completely AWOL when they go through heartbreak, but imho, this is not a good message to send out to young girls. It’s the same old trope of “If you hang on long enough, you’ll have him back again” and “If he broke up with you, there must be something wrong, not because he’s out of love with you. Just wait for him to come around and he’ll love you again because it’s TRUUUU WUV!!!”

While it’s not explicitly said like that, the subliminal messages being sent out with that arc makes me frown.

As a disclaimer, I have to say that I adore the Usagi/Mamoru relationship in manga (and of course, now, in Crystal as well), but in Classics, I really, really wanted Usagi to just dump him. Seriously. I wanted her to go out with someone else because he was such a douche to her. Sure, we knew he did it for a reason, but Usagi doesn’t know this. Without the context, I really wanted to be Makoto so I can beat the crap out of Mamoru.

Tanya already made wonderful posts as to why the Senshi were horrible friends in other posts, so I won’t repeat it here. I’ll just say I completely agree with her points.

During that break-up arc, it made me wonder why the Senshi were friends with Usagi anyway. Actually, it would probably be more accurate to say: Why was Usagi friends with them anyway? I would’ve stayed away from them if they kept telling me “It’s because of ______, that’s why Mamoru doesn’t want you anymore.” Hell, if I were one of the Senshi, I would’ve either told her to get over it, gave her a makeover, go party, and hook up with some new guys or grab a bunch of ice cream, find some movies, and cry over those tubs of ice cream with her, whichever way she wanted. It’s shitty of them to put her down when she’s going through break-up.

Hell, it would’ve made more sense for BERYL to be doing that to Usagi, but not the girls. Or maybe they’d gotten possessed by Beryl after that final showdown between Metallia!Beryl and Usagi. After all, we only knew that Beryl got enveloped by the pink light. Maybe some residue of Beryl got incorporated into the girls. :P

And I mentioned it before, but I’ll mention it again, I really, really hated when Usagi was all Twilight: New Moon!Bella-ish in the break-up arc. I mean, sure, I know they’d wanted it as a way for Usagi and Mamoru to make up, but ugh. UGGGGGGH. I’m pretty certain the break-up arc was also responsible for me rearranging my list of fave Senshi, but anyhow ...

Okay, don’t know if I’d missed anything, but if I did, I’ll probably come back and mention it, but ... yeah ... those are some of the reasons why I hated the break up arc.

Oh, I’ve been interested in villains ever since who-knows-when, although the interest itself didn’t make itself clear until I was a bit older. But yeah, I don’t really like the cardboard cutouts of villains and antagonists either. Also, I prefer them to be intelligent. Give me villains with the minds of Albert Einstein and the elegance of royalty. XDD Of course, I wouldn’t say no if they were also pretty boys, but that’s just the additional plus points at the bottom at the resume that might or might not be reviewed.

It’s really no wonder why Zoisite is my favorite Shitennou, really, regardless of whether he’s paired with Kunzite, Mercury, or whatever. He’s just so evilly delightful. (Yeah, I also see him as being a major troll with a vengeful attitude even if he returns to Mamoru’s side.)

PGSM did well with the character development, much better than most, if not all, of the different versions. This reminds me that I should go back and rewatch PGSM one of these days.

ROTFLMAO! I don’t know why, but I giggled when I read this part: “Anime wise, I didn’t get why they just didn’t take their ships and go to a different star system that has habitable planets using time travel. Or going to a distant future. Like..guys.. for real.”

Yes, I totally agree with your assessment of the Black Moon clan, but yeah, I liked the Dead Moon Circus more than the Black Moon clan. I recall Nehellenia having different backgrounds in the anime and the manga, but nonetheless, both of them were interesting and intriguing.

LOL! Yeah, I’m not a huge fan of redemption either. I mean, if you do it every once in a while, it’s fine. But except for the Big Bads, you get nearly every mini-boss having some sob story about why they’d turned bad and that just gets annoying.

ROTFLMAO! Same here. Well, it’s not just the Sailor Moon fandom having that problem, unfortunately. So I find myself disconnecting from a lot of general fandom and just hanging around with people with similar tastes. Though I suppose that might get me attacked as well. LOL!

#blackmantagirl

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pretzpol · 7 years

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Cuts to Corporation Tax: Ideological and Arbitrary

The UK already has a pretty low corporate tax rate, at 20% - it’s the lowest in the G20. VAT is also 20% (fairly standard internationally), and so is the basic rate of income tax. In fact, the headline rate of Capital Gains Tax was also just cut from 28% to 20%. The Conservative party must really love that number.

But the Tories, in their ideological pursuit of making the UK a tax haven, have a commitment to reducing CT. It was 28% when the coalition Government came in in 2010 (for profits >£1.5m, 21% for profits <£300k, marginal rate in between), having seen various changes under Labour from 1997-2008. The coalition gradually cut it over 5 years to 20% for all companies, and with the Tories in full control, planned to cut it further, first to 19%, and then to 17%, presumably to 15%, or maybe lower, perhaps in line with Ireland’s low 12.5% (Northern Ireland has devolved CT powers and already has a 12.5% CT rate).

Is this a good thing? Debateable. The right have argued since time immemorial that having lower taxes produces a trickle-down effect, supposedly propelling private sector investment (quite transparent nonsense, it just gives the rich more wealth that they don’t spend), but there are claims that CT receipts have risen as a result of the rate cuts. Misleading claims, but claims nonetheless (take that as you will).

Disregarding facts, as is apparently popular in modern politics, the idea is to draw business to the UK. And probably to irk other EU countries as a middle finger now that we’re leaving, TerriMay planning to trigger Article 50 next month, Parliamentary Ping-Pong permitting.

So I think I’m clear that the cuts are ideological, with the only benefit going to big business, with the intention to draw large multinationals to the UK.

In or out of the EU, London is a business hub, as is much of the South East, and many of the UK’s major cities in other regions of the country, albeit perhaps a bit less so. Business wants to invest here because as an established economy, Britain is a good place to invest, CT rate regardless.

It makes the most sense to have a return to banded Corporation Tax, with small companies maybe paying a rate lower than 20%, but larger companies paying a higher rate than 20%.

But let’s play devil’s advocate - let’s pretend arbitrary cuts to business taxes work as intended, and that a less taxed free market benefits everyone, not just people with pre-existing capital. I would argue that even following this logic, tax cuts could be made that would benefit the economy as a whole far moreso than a simple cut to Corporation Tax.

So with the budget coming up, what “pro-business” moves could the Government take instead of reducing the CT rate and triggering a race-to-the-bottom on business tax, when we should be seeing an international movement to push it up (and regulate private industry, and move shares into the hands of the workers, and so on...)? There’s no real persuading the Tories from cutting some kind of tax, after all (they cut everything else, why not taxes too?) So here are a few alternative ideas.

Realistically, as part of a comprehensive tax policy, Inheritance Tax needs reviewing, as do Capital Gains Tax, Income Tax on dividends and rental income, and the possibility of introducing a Land Value Tax and a Luxury Goods Tax should be looked into - but let’s focus purely on business taxes for the purposes of this.

Increasing the VAT registration threshold

As an accountant, I have seen many small business get hit as soon as they start to get going, by VAT - the cost involved in preparing and submitting returns every three months, or every month, is a massive burden, and a massive time expense by busy entrepreneurs, let alone the cost of the tax itself to both businesses and consumers.

At the moment, a business is required to register for VAT as soon as it turns over £83,000 in the span of 12 months, or it expects to soon. After that, it’s required to submit the aforementioned VAT returns every quarter, and to add 20% to its sales prices to pass over to HMRC, after deducting 20% on any VATable purchases.

£83k is pretty low - most businesses hit this as one-man-bands. I should clarify it is turnover, i.e. sales revenue, not profit, that this £83k represents.

In my opinion it should be at least £150k, probably higher. Aren’t businesses supposed to create jobs? If you slap VAT on them before they start making enough money to employ people, how are they meant to do so?

Additionally, VAT increases the cost of consumer goods for consumers, increasing the cost of living, and keeping the poor, poor. If you want to encourage small business, this would be a far better move.

I’d also suggest reducing VAT in general, since it hits the poor more than it hits the rich, thereby being a regressive tax, but since the Coalition increased it from the lower rate Labour left it with, I think it’s unlikely that’s on the table for TerriMay and her team.

Increasing the Personal Allowance.

By all accounts, someone working 40 hours a week at minimum wage (which, in spite of its rebranding, is not a living wage), should not be paying income tax. This is something UKIP, of all parties, pushed for at the 2015 GE, and left-wing parties should be pushing for more strongly. This is the approach the Government should be taking to reduce personal tax liabilities, not moving the basic rate band and higher rate bands around - not so subtly done so that Lib-Con swing voters might be more inclined to vote blue in 2020.

Doing this would increase the net income of working people to be in line with living costs, increasing the velocity of money (because poor people spend their money, while rich people save it), and reducing inequality (by ensuring poor people have enough money to actually live). This is good for business because it means more people are able to spend more money.

Increase the Primary Threshold for NI

National Insurance is a mess. Thankfully, Class 2 NICs (weekly contributions of £2.80/wk for any self-employed people earning over £5k or so), are being phased out. But as the Personal Allowance has gone up for Income Tax, the Primary Threshold, the point at which people start paying NI, has stayed roughly steady, with employed people paying Class 1 Primary NICs at 12% starting from about £8k, and at 2% starting at the higher rate threshold, and self-employed people paying Class 4 NICs at 9% starting at about £8k, and at 2% starting at the higher rate threshold.

There should be a move to combine National Insurance and Income Tax - since they’re almost the same thing anyway. Income Tax at 20% and NI at 12% is basically just Income Tax at 32%, with the next band being 42% and then 47%.

The NI bands should be moved perfectly to mirror the Income Tax bands, and self-employed people can get a 2% or 3% tax credit so they don’t lose out on the lower C4NI rate. Class 1 Secondary NICs (Employer’s National Insurance) should obviously be handled separately, as should industries such as share fishing which have different rates - but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be a general move as I describe.

The arguments for this are basically as above for the Personal Allowance - lower earners having more money to spend, therefore more money gets spent on consumer goods.

Eliminate Employer’s National Insurance for under 25s

There is a crisis of youth unemployment in the UK, and across the western world. Young people can’t get jobs because employers only want people with both experience and qualifications, even though these young people are fresh out of uni or college, and know their stuff, and are eager to work. Another issue is that people are living longer, and are working longer, meaning fewer job vacancies are being freed up, and new ones aren’t being created because of stagnating industry.

Separately, once in work, young people are devoted employees, driving themselves to the point of developing mental health issues (additional source: me) - but they aren’t really being hired in the first place, which also drives mental illness.

So the Government needs to intervene, and introduce incentives for businesses to employ young people so they can actually get experience and become noticed by potential employers. Employer’s National Insurance is a cost employer’s take on by employing staff, originally as a “you pay a bit, and you pay a bit, and you both benefit,” as NI is explicitly used for funding pensions and the NHS.

Employer’s NICs were already eliminated for under 21s under the Cameron Government, but they should go further and tell employers “you don’t have this cost for under 25s,” so that employers will be more inclined to actually train staff.

Introduce a CT credit for employee costs

Youth unemployment (and underemployment) isn’t the only issue - unemployment is an issue in general. This could be tackled through tax incentives - although it would be best as a package deal alongside contract regulation and industry investment.

CT is charged on profits, so say a company had sales of £500k, general costs of £200k, and staff costs of £50k - their profit is £250k, and taxed at 20%, their CT is £50k.

I propose companies get a CT credit for their staff costs, so that they’re more likely to be willing to spend money on staff. Employment and training should be seen as an investment, not as a cost.

i.e., with the same example as above, the company could claim £25k (50% of their staff costs) as a further reduction of their taxable profits - down to £225k, reducing their tax by £5k, down to £45k.

This would also serve to make things like minimum wage increases more palatable.

Increase R&D tax credits

Research and development is very important, and is surely the actual kind of investment the UK needs. If the Government wants to draw overseas investment through CT incentives, it should be with a move like increasing R&D tax credits - a nominal increase in R&D expenditure to reduce CT charged.

Increasing subsidies for green industry

For heaven’s sake this one should be obvious. Solar panels, wind turbines, water turbines and tidal plant components are crucial to our survival as a species, let alone country - or at the very least, to our current way of life. Want to go back to strike-induced power cuts? Skyrocketing fuel prices? Plastics and pharmaceutical prices shooting up? Welcome to a future where crude oil is near unobtainable. And that’s without even looking at air pollution and climate change. The people of Fiji say hi.

Of course, instead of reindustrialising the north by investing in green industry, the Government is cutting solar panel subsidies for reasons that make no sense, and approving technology known to cause tremors, poison water, and serves as a terrible stopgap when alternatives are vastly superior.

Also, electric cars and corresponding infrastructure - where are they? Jobs could be created by manufacturing charging points, and putting them in appropriate locations. Should we not be investing in hybrid and electric vehicles that meet the various criteria that drivers have for purchasing vehicles? That’s the main reason they haven’t taken off yet, really. Invest in that, and regulate petrol and diesel cars away. Encourage people to buy and drive hybrid and electric.

In conclusion, the Government could achieve its goals by doing the above instead of reducing Corporation Tax. It should also completely reconsider how Corporation Tax rates are balanced, as receipts from small business are rising, whilst receipts from large business are falling. But no, they’re too ideologically committed to making us a tax haven. I wonder who benefits from that?

I’m a trainee accountant, so I have a degree of tax knowledge - I do not claim to be an expert, and definitely not infallible. I welcome constructive feedback on the above, as I’m always looking to learn.

#uk politics #politics #budget 2017 #theresa may #philip hammond #economics #tax #corporation tax

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onestowatch · 3 years

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Huron John Invites You to Experience the Trauma-Exorcism of ‘cartoon therapy’ [Q&A]

Photo: Chase Denton

In the world of up-and-coming artists, few names generate as much excitement as Huron John. Last year the indie pop prodigy invited listeners into his technicolor world with his debut LP Apocalypse Wow, and this week sees him returning once more with his long-awaited sophomore project, cartoon therapy.

In 2020, Huron John’s debut Apocalypse Wow was met with widespread acclaim with critics praising everything from its production and forward-thinking narrative, to Huron John’s whimsically crafted tracks. Both albums are written, engineered, and produced in their entirety by the Chicago native, but while the former is an explosive display of left-field kaleidoscopic narratives and youthful romance, the latter takes a much more introspective approach to its storytelling.

cartoon therapy sheds Huron John’s youthful exuberance for something that is much more complex, and at times even vulnerable. Tracks like “Arthur” are just as concerned with the euphoria of new romance as they are with the anxiety of growing old and being insecure in the skin that you’re in. Despite its more pensive thematic register, cartoon therapy is a must-listen. The record is filled with 10 high-energy indie pop anthems that will transport your weekly rotation to another world before you can even say “meep.”

Prior to the release of cartoon therapy, I was fortunate enough to pick Huron John’s brain about his newest record. We discussed the past year, his favorite piece of hardware, and everything in-between.

Ones To Watch: It’s been a minute since we last got a full-length project from you. Your debut album, 2020’s Apocalypse Wow, focused on themes of disillusionment and dystopia, which was probably appropriate given how insane last year was. On your newest project cartoon therapy, what themes did you try to focus on?

Huron John: This new album is all about healing. It’s super symbolic to me personally in the sense of, like, I’ve been going through some very dark shit, and finally getting this project out kind of lets me see a light at the end of the tunnel in a way. The album is about accepting the individuality of your own journey, and understanding that life is beautiful even through all of the things that bog us down. It’s about answering questions but not being afraid to pose new ones. The album is truly like a really volatile version of therapy… it’s like 10 fucking tracks back-to-back-to-back with like no space in between (laughs). It’s supposed to be just a whirlwind of getting out what is inside so you can move forward. This thing is like a trauma-exorcism but you’re on the dancefloor or on a bike.

How do you feel cartoon therapy extends the world you built on Apocalypse Wow? Did you always anticipate the story going this way, or did things change throughout the creative process?

It’s a second half of the “story” of Apocalypse Wow, it completes this like double album-style package. My favorite album of all time is a double album with a loose concept based on the progression from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep. From Apocalypse Wow to cartoon therapy it’s this concept about a character—who is lowkey based on myself but shhhh (laughs)—who saves the planet from aliens. Then, in CT, he basically befriends the aliens enough so that they give him a time machine. He goes on this crazy-ass adventure throughout time-and-space visiting all the fucked up moments from his life and like gaining peace with them I guess. The connection kind of unraveled as I made the stuff, I suppose. I just wanted it to be a very clear bookend on the introductory chapter of my discography.

Which track on cartoon therapy was the biggest challenge to make and why? What track are you most proud of?

A track called “Cosmic Opera (Death Is Not The End).” Basically, I had a whole other song called “We’ll Come Out On Top,” it was actually the first beat I made for the record. It’s this really slow, psychedelic like Some Rap Songs style hip-hop shit. My hard drive broke so I lost the original beat, tried for about three weeks to remake it, but it just didn’t work. In the process, a whole new beat “(Cosmic Opera)” was born. I got COVID, strep throat, and a whole bunch of other shit that caused me to have to re-record the vocals like three times.

How was the creation of cartoon therapy and its creative process different from your last record?

It was beyond fucked. An absolute shit-show. Apocalypse Wow was extremely over-planned (musically), and the process was like so long to make that record. This one I wanted to try a much more rapid-fire like lightning-in-a-bottle approach and make the full album in like three months. That goal was the death of me (laughs). In a nutshell, I made like 15 beats for the whole thing, wrote all the lyrics, recorded all the vocals, then realized I had a faulty microphone so I had to re-record the entire album. It was a nightmare. Then, when I had like four songs left to record, I got COVID, then I lost my voice due to COVID after I recovered, then I found out I had strep throat. A whole bunch of other shit happened but it was the like “I AM FINISHING THIS FUCKING ALBUM IF IT KILLS ME” type shit. Very crazy process.

It seems like the release of cartoon therapy had a much greater emphasis on visuals than Apocalypse Wow. Was this intentional?

Oh yeah. It was supposed to really drive home this narrative world, and just expand the whole world of this character Andy—one that spans between the two albums. Two records with a very visual universe, so that was definitely the goal of the whole thing.

youtube

How has your understanding of your music and your place in the music industry changed since the release of Apocalypse Wow? How are you feeling about things now?

I honestly don’t know. My relationship with music has changed immensely since I created this record, to rolling it out, to now. I have realized a lot of things that I want to take part in, and a lot of things that I do not. My goal is to get this work in the hands of as many people as I can, specifically physical vinyl copies of the music. This record truly taught me that the sole purpose of life is to impact as many people that you can with creative work. To make their lives better. To comfort people and soundtrack their memories. To play an integral part in their lives as your favorite artists do in yours. Impacting people like that doesn’t happen through sexy selfies on the internet. Does that make sense?

What do you want listeners to take away from cartoon therapy?

It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling right now. Your thoughts are your thoughts and no one can ever take that away from you. No matter what those thoughts are. Life is your movie and you are the main character. Allow your adventure to surprise you.

Every track on the record was produced, written, and engineered by you, which is something that not many artists can claim. As your career grows, do you think you’ll be looking to collaborate more with your peers? And if so, who are some artists you’d love to hop in the studio with?

Yes… I am just starting to experiment with a lot of artists and producers. It is fun. I plan on doing one of those producer albums where it’s just like a million artists hopping on my project. I definitely feel like these first two albums really hammered home the personal and intimate kind of “one-man show” aspect of my music. Now, it’s time to try some other stuff. I want to work with King Krule.

From your MicroKorg Analog Modeling Synth to your laptop, what’s a piece of hardware you couldn’t live without?

I just bought a real TR-707 drum machine from the ’80s and that thing is my baby!

What rare interest do you have in something that gets you geeked out?

I really like traditional Indian music. Also, I have developed an interest in the shortwave analog radio community.

What’s your plan for the rest of 2021? Is there anything fans can look forward to as summer starts to roll around?

Yes. I will be releasing the Apocalypse Wow/cartoon therapy double album on vinyl within the next couple of weeks. The inside gatefold is a playable board game, and both discs are colored/see-through. I have a 65-page book that is releasing around that time as well. Full of photos, articles, interviews, and other shit. It will be sweet. I’m also putting out a “deluxe edition” album type of thing in the next couple of weeks. Then, I really want to begin a hibernation-style era of music-making and experimentation.

We’ll be looking forward to that! Finally, who are your ones to watch?

death’s dynamic shroud.wmv, The Frost Children, and t e l e p a t h テレパシー能力者.

Listen to cartoon therapy below:

#huron john #cartoon therapy #album reviews #interview #anti pop #indie pop #indie

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kf14wxbw-blog · 5 years

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i can t afford health insurance anymore 2017

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