#this is my everything and else doesnt matter

[nonymous-nb]

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★ Subspace x Tall!Reader ★

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"Tall ass bitch. — ..my tall ass bitch."

PHIGHTING! | Head-canon | Fluff | Romantic.

Warning/s: [data not found.]

Extra: [brain dead + my brain can't think of anything LMAO]

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• Ngl, I feel like Subspace wouldn't really care if you're tall or not..... lemme just write something up rq.

• Okay so, first of all, he thinks he's the tallest working demon in Blackrock. (He likes to intimidate shorter people with his height.. you can't change my mind.) So seeing someone taller than him and most importantly.. HIS OWN PHUCKING ASSISTANT— he was a bit flabbergasted when he wasn't the taller demon in blackrock now. sad lol.

• He does find your height quite useless and useful sometimes.. that's when he needs to reach much higher places that he can't reach that is.

• He doesn't like you nor does he hate you though, you guessed. he just thinks he doesn't need any assistant as he can do anything by himself, plus he has his biografts to order around.

• That's until neither of them could reach a tall ass shelf.

• He once ordered the biografts carry each other to get something off the shelf anddd... they all fell onto him LMAO—

• He did call out for you to get the stuff he needed, until you said something about him getting a chair or a ladder so he could reach it, yeah, he never asked again as he felt dumb of not thinking of that. -5 pts.

• Don't worry, you got him some mechanical parts as an apology that you think he'd like, so he won't kill you afterwards.

• He thinks it was a nice upgrade for his biografts though. +1 pts

• He is still an ass to you.

• But, he actually forgave you after about 3 months as you kept giving him the things he could use for his biografts, and occasionally asks you to buy some things..

• When he's chill and tired, do ask him about his latest inventions, he'll lighten up, he hides his little excitement and talk about it 24/7 and will never stop.. what have you done. +5 pts

• He now does insist that you go shopping with him at times, whenever he feels like it as you have an advantage to look for stuffs he wants. called you a dang giraffe too

• He makes you his personal eye shopping tree as you can see much higher places..

• Oh yeah, you carry everything too lol

• When you're now on his good side, he would repay you with a nod when you do/did something useful or worth his time.

• Don't worry it's gonna change overtime.. wink wink.

• For most parts, he acts like he doesn't like or care about anything, but wants you to get it for him secretly. do get it for him though.. +3 pts

• Oh, right, forgot to say that when you ask about his biografts or his inventions, AND you're actually interested in them??? Just know he's secretly giddy about it. +20 pts

• But now that he knows you're interested in his inventions, he showcases them to you, he never misses any damn details about it. (he talks about how efficient some of the component parts are too)

• Yay, you're on his good side, he's never letting your ass go now.

• Ngl, he dislikes it when you show anyone else with the same interest as you have for him, your interest shall solely be towards him, and him only.

• If he needs you for something and he can't find you? Yeah, doesn't happen you're the 2nd tallest in this building. no he doesnt wanna be on 2nd place.

• He also has this tendency to steal you away from anyone you talk to.. no matter how important it is, he's the boss, YOUR boss to be exact. So you should only follow HIS orders.. you are his assistant after all.

• Yeah, he only wants you to be interested in his doings and no one else. jealous ahh bit—

• [Y'know what, let's skip to when you guys are dating, yeah? I can't think of anymore bs.. why do i even do this..]

• You'll be the one carrying everything, no matter how small or big it is, you're carrying it.

• He uses you as a ladder, he makes you carry him whenever he can't reach crap.

• Also not only you're his ladder, he makes it as an excuse to do less things. Oh he could reach that? he calls for you. Oh no, it's it's a bit high up with a ladder besides it.... calls you anyway. You're his personal ladder now and you can't get away with it.

• He also makes you give him some piggyback rides, his legs are tired.

• Will definitely blush if you carry him bridal style.

• Don't do it in public though, he might present you a certain tripmine. *winks.*

• Also whenever he has some conversations with Scythe and makes him uncomfortable, he makes you as a shield.

• Scythe definitely think he's being babied.

• Overall, you're his.. you can't change that.

• You can't get away nor run now after all, you have him by your side..

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[Ngl, I don't think Subspace really cares about how tall anyone is, he just wants his inventions done and stronger.]

#♡nb writings #phighting x reader #subspace x reader #romantic #x reader #phighting subspace

[skitskatdacat63]

"To dream the impossible dream, that is my quest." - Prince Fernando of Asturias

+ Seb not getting what he ordered

+ the usual

Hello yes, look! It's baby Renault Fernando, isn't he so cute??? Who wouldn't want to force him into an arranged marriage, like cmon man be real. Here is the progress as usual, as well as his suit without the design, cause I'm pretty proud of it just blank even!

Okay so this is pure Fernando, innocent Fernando, before he had his apirations ripped way from him. Well not fully ripped away tbf, because that's the crux of his character: is it more humiliating to never succeed or to only succeed because someone handed it to you with concessions? I guess that's up for him to decide though ;;;

The thing I love about this drawing and young Fernando in general is how much easier it is to see his and Seb's similarities. Look how similar they look! Seb is just a bit more evil.

I think that's a big part as to why his feelings about Seb are so complicated. He both loves and hates how similar they are. From an egotistical point, he can appreciate and respect the familiar traits in Seb, the hunger, the exuberance, the pride, the ego. But also we hate seeing our own traits in other people, it's almost like turning a mirror on your worst traits and suddenly being able to see yourself from a new perspective. The biggest point here though is that Fernando turns that resentment onto Seb, as a way to clamp down on self hatred.

He becomes more bitter and resentful as he grows older, and loses a lot of his whimsy and joy. So it hurts him to see Seb, who in addition to getting everything he's ever wanted, also retain his whimsy. He, wrongly, just sees it as something that had to happen in order for him to grow up fully. It's more of a survival tactic, it started becoming unbefitting for him to have that level of unfounded confidence. That's the main reason he sees Seb as childish, immature and undeserving. He hasn't fully grown out of his capacity for whimsy and joy, and thus is below Fernando.

Well that was depressing oops! As the chibi art represents, this is probably a painting Seb got sent in the early days of planning their marriage. This is the Fernando who is still prideful, the Fernando who is still confident, the Fernando Seb vaguely remembers meeting his youth. Seeing this definitely pushes him even further towards the marriage(though tbf it's not like he even has a choice either.) Though when the time to actually start courting comes around, Fernando looks very uh different. This is both a joke about how different Fernando was in his first renault stint vs his second. But also I think he does show up very moody and disheveled, as a sort of last chance way to try and turn everyone on Seb's side, including Seb, off from the marriage. However, it's pretty much a done deal by that point.

Seb is uh, definitely confused, but I think he would be drawn to Fernando regardless. Actually, this might make Fernando even more appealing. Seb gets to push him all the time, try to break down his walls and get a glimpse at the real Fernando, if even just for a moment. Seb wishes he had more that just a blurry, vague recollection of Fernando at his peak confidence. Fernando definitely grows into something resembling his past self, after recovering from all the hurt, but there's just something about youthful exuberance that can't really be fully replicated.

Okay so about the quote. I went with Don Quixote this time instead of the typical Napoleon, because I thought it'd be funny. Fernando picks up the book at some point during his youth, and it inspires him a lot. He doesn't really see the satire in it, and comes to really admire Don Quixote's mentality, he's like "wow he never gives up! That's so admirable!" It definitely helps him through dark times to aspire to never give up no matter what. Though later Seb definitely rags on him for not knowing it was satire, and Fernando is like "wh-what do you mean satire?" But he's mentally strong enough atp for it to not cause his whole worldview collapse. About the quote specifically, there's definitely some part of him, even when young, that knows his aspirations are borderline impossible. I wonder if that part of him feels weirdly safe and comforted about the marriage. Yes, it's not ideal, but it's safe and secure. He gets what he wants, and there's no chance of anyone taking it away from him, no matter what.

I think his title would be Prince of Asturias? It was either that or duke, and I think prince fits him bettee(Machiavelli reference?) That title is currently the title for the heir to the Spanish throne. In this time period, it's also commonly used for the heir, but for Fernando it's a bit unsure. Like in real life, he's not directly the offspring, but he's still the most obvious choice for heir. But there's still enough room for Seb and his house to try to vie for the throne themselves, so it makes it all complicated.

#*btw that quote is from don quixote just so thats clear. creds to Cervantes lmfao. i explained in the read more why ! #hahahaha all my lore and tags and everything got deleted so i had to rewrite this all. original post you will live on fondly in my memories #^ i was half asleep writing it the 2nd time so i hope its still good? #its always going to be inferior to me but ig it doesnt rly matter bcs im the only one who actually got to read it ha #anyways super happy with this ahhhh!!! #it was so much fun to draw. i got to focus more on the fashion and its great as well bcs renault's colors are fire #im also glad to draw him bcs i feel like ive neglected hima bit compared to the others! its been a fair bit since ive drawn him #i cant remember what else i said here haha so ill just say hope ya like! #im still happy with the characterization notes and lore in the read more so def read it still!! #and as always please inquire if you have any thoughts or question abt the au #fernando alonso #f1 #formula 1 #<- it gets more and more absurd every drawing to tag this but ah tradition ig #catie.art #boy king au #vettonso

[trashmuis]

opposite sex Leatherface: big fat tall woman who wears a blazer and skirt at the Sawyer family dinner, wearing an extremely rugged bearded man's face as a mask

#this came to my mind while workin yesterday but i didnt post it #and then i saw someone mention genderswapped slashers so i had to post it #btw idc what Bubba's gender is he can be he/she whatever he wants to be #it doesnt matter bc Bubba is handsome and beautiful all at the same time i love him #he's just masculine looking and dresses masc as well even when prettying up when he wears a pretty lady face #this would simply be a fem version with similar proportions with a full bearded mans face mask to make it clear she is dressing as a man #same color scheme for the outfit and everything just a pencil skirt instead of pants. no tie - a feminine bow. keep the cowboy boots obvs. #i want to draw this but idk if i have the art skills... but i guess i can try #if anyone else wants to try to draw this that'd be dope #Bubba Sawyer #Leatherface #tcm #the texas chainsaw massacre #texas chainsaw massacre #horror #movies #slashers #slasher community #mine

[adwox]

the two most decorated soldiers of the offputting wars

#mega man zero #copymega #cxpy #mmz omega #omega #megaman #mmz #i go to neo arcadia to defeat the threats effecting my found family. i see very confusing and unsightly pda from these two. i leave #in the first image cxpy is complaining about how he feels no one trusts him to handle situations / sees how responsibile he is #and he is just GOING OFFFF WITHOUT EVEN MEANING TO #i think cxpy is a generally dissatisfied reploid cause i mean how could he not be. but complaining feels wrong to him #but (do not @ me abt this being ooc cause i do not care.) omega just has this energy to him that makes cxpy rant and be very open #its like. he can only be honest with himself around omega. everything else about cxpy is solely built on lies. quite literally #omega isnt really even listening either tbh but it doesnt Matter. hes just there cause it feels funsies to hold cxpy in his big strong arms #like a giant stress ball #theyre so cruel and unusual theyre so perfect. to me in my mind. #anyway No im not even halfway done mmz3 ill get there when i get there. #>mine_>art

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[ganondoodle]

just after i crawled my way out of that 'art-low' and i got myself excited to work on the rough draft for chapter2- i suddendly just crash and burn again bc i cant get the thought out of my head that im not a good writer either actually and my ideas are comically boring

do i really have to fight my own brain over and over again for the rest of my life (ㆆ_ㆆ)

#ganondoodles talks #random #i dont want to keep sounding so self pitying #sometimes i can fight these feeling #but sometiems it just feels like you just realized the truth about yourself #so fighting that is just lying to yourself #and i feel like im being so ungrateful everytime i feel like shit #bc i know there are people that like what i do #and just bc there are people that are better at everything that im doing or aspiring to do doesnt mean im useless #BUT IT ALSO FEELS LIKE IM WASTING MY TIME #even thoguh funnnily enough i wouldnt even know what WOULDNT be a waste of time bc ...... #i dont ... have anything else #if you take away art and writing theres nothing left of me #kinda not surprising then that i keep accidentally tying my feeling of worth to the receiption of what i post #................ and losing followers in the hundreds on twitter espeically doesnt exactly help #though that is mostly bc im rting a ton of info about palestine and tbh idk if i would want people following me that are zionists or simila #still feels bad #AND I KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME IS WRONG OR IT SHOULDNT MATTER #but it still feels real #im so tired of fighting myself

[jinstronaut]

this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh

#and i might do it again bc its just #a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc #which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow #it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag #people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just #so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what #like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao #and it never ever used to #but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly #or whatever the make believe rules are idk #this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus #bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community #and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit #bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were #i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year #but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad #once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care #ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control #i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile #and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be #a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion #so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao #why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things???? #i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just #ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand #so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time #but yeah anyways idk ! #be nice its so easy ! #tbd

[v2is-baby]

you all wanting to bang the robots while I'm here wondering if there's any way to grant true freedom to a machine. and if I cannot bring free will, freedom to a machine tied by its false sentience and programming; then how am I supposed to know what freedom is if i am myself a slave of something greater like them.

#i am a human being #but when the human being becomes a man they sacrifice their freedom for order #sometimes i feel im another block on the wall moving freely in my little world in my little space #and everything i do and think is alright as long as it doesnt brush with the borderds of someone else's block and cause conflict #and when there isnt structure nor society the man begins to transpass the borders to cause harm #to deny the other's existence in exchange of personal benefit #at the very core of all that exists and understands that living is the only thing that brings you freedom #survival is all that matters #and while you fight to still being free youre once again being a slave of something greater #things that make me believe freedom doesnt exist

[anandasamsara]

SIMPLE COMMISSIONS OPEN

Ok, i cant find any other job nor other way to make some money rn. I still have to pay 450 for credit card, that we used to buy groceries, 450 for electricity and at least mom's phone. Ideally, 700 that we owe for the apartment payments, but we can keep pretending it doesnt matter as much.

So, opening sketch and whump comms bc i cant bring myself to do more than that rn. I can barely bring myself to draw at all. I could even toss some notion of nsfw for an extra 10 bucks.

Prices, how-to's and more info >>here<<

Im relatively desperate, bc even tho i managed to pay the internet bill, it doesnt matter if electricity is cut down, specially as we're having heat waves of about 40C for the last week with no end in sight.

(I listed the amount i need in brazilian real, so it would be around 250usd. 400usd if we count the apartment things that im ignoring.)

#emergency commissions #commissions #help an artist #thankfully my aunt decided to buy us some groceries but it wont last much #paid a few bills with money my friends gave me as a christmas present but im still very embarassed by the need #even more so that i didnt manage to make it last more than a month #also my dad being home is becoming a problem #me and mom are trying to eat less so we can keep having food for longer #and he spends the whole day eating everything he sees #its been hard and i dont want to ask for help but i dont know what else to do #no one else will help bc we have a capable man at the house and why cant he go back to the job HE ACTUALLY HAS to keep us afloat #but he doesnt want to so now i have to take care of the bills myself #doesnt matter that i was fired bc the computer can do the same work i did #im very tired and trying to not spiral into depression yet again

[oneshortlove]

It's a nonverbal day for me I guess :)

#Vent? Yeah #I like how im told things last minute when I should be the first or second to know #And then when it is in fact the last minute I'm getting yelled at to clean up areas that are in fact not my room :) #When i say i dont wanna im called lazy #When someone else who shall not be named says they don't want to they're defended because “they do everything” #No they help deep clean once a fucking week #And help with dinner #Last i checked it was in fact me #But that doesnt matter at this point #Now they get to enjoy their day and play games while I have to sit in my room so I don't cry in front of anyone and get called a crybaby :) #Im more frustrated that they know im going to forgive them so they don't apologize to me because I'll forget about all of this like usual :

[candies-and-eyeliner]

I think it's very punk rock of me to not get lip filler

#me? an anticapitalist queen? yes #well #a cheapskate afraid of everything but same difference #beauty industry you might have successfully made me insecure about my appearance #but you'll never get my moneyyyyyyyy #beauty industry but also that bitch [redacted] at work that keeps complaining about having thin lips but like her lips are bigger than mine #oh she doesnt have tumblr yolo fuck you sandra #oh while we're going on a tangent #thats the reason why i dont talk a lot about my physical insecurities #cause if you say something negative abt your appearance and someone else with that same trait hears you it's kind of like insulting them #no matter if you say like 'well i dont like that ON ME but on others it's fine yada yada yada' #guess what too late! the seed is planted the damage is done

[upsidedowngrass]

im thinking abt liam and bryce SO much rn now. theyre dynamic is so. sorry liam. sorry bryce

#neither of them have done anything wrong and are simply two diff ppl w two diff personalities and two diff thought processes #responding to the same single event . that they didnt deserve to have to respond to but now they just Have To #and both of them regard the other w a sort of desperation around the events of s1 but in a different way #that they respond one way that contradicts how the other does #liam doesnt care what happens to himself but bryce doesnt want to lose everything #its very realistic and very tragic because they were both important for each other but the opposite of what each other wanted at all #bryce wanted to finally heal. from everything. and whether or not ignoring one was a healthy way to do so was irrelevant #he just wanted to finally heal #and liam just. he doesnt care about His Own Life. he just wants to do this One Thing at All Costs. and no one else can help him. #he wants to be known by someone. anyone really. because he cant do any of it alone but its all he knows to do now #and nothing else matters to him #the two are just. theyre so complicated and im emotional abt it #i thinka bt it a lot but i think a good way to put it is #wrt the trolley problem? liam would pull the lever. bryce wouldnt #anyway. that piece os soooo. thinks abt them forever #i think every combination of characters in one is extremely tragic #bc its normal ppl responding to a horrible situation they didnt deserve to be in but now have to respond to #and sometimes they conflict. sometimes they hurt another person when the intent was to help. sometimes its solace in the worst of ones life #but all of them are so. i think abt it a lot liam and bryce are just now the specific ones on my mind cus of my most recent rb

[bare1ythere]

do you know what its like being so absolutely crushed by everything but everyone around you is doing 10x more? And better? to have to constantly try to make yourself more marketable for a job or grad school? I just can't keep up I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to be left behind

#I have friends doing so much #and some want to do competitive grad school programs #they tell me theyre worried about getting in. but they have 100x more life experience than me #ive never had a job! Ive tried! ive really tried! #I cant stick to an extracurricular because the ones that look good drain the life out of me #and the ones I actually enjoy are solo. fandom related. and completely worthless on a resume #I just fucking wish I had the passion for science that i do for my hobbies #No matter how much I believe that someone isnt worth less because they cant do as much #everyone else doesnt give a shit. and if i dont do it all i wont be able to do the things I want #what if i just died instead.what then #shut up me #cant even draw for my own sanity. how the fuck am i supposed to have time to do everything they want me to

[burinazar]

It's a bit funny that to parts of my circles I'm 'the fandom one'/'the fanfic one'/'the shipping one' as the person they know most prominently into such things

because as much as i love writing my fics and shipping my ships my interest in both of those things is, I think, very narrow and specific compared to most people who are into them? due to my habits being like. very particular

#i think some ppl think of me as ahh my buddy who is always reading fanfic and i'm like. look. i would LIKE to be that. but i'm not #it's comically difficult to get me to sit down and read a new fanfic. for no discernable reason #the fandoms i like to read for don't even have big fic scenes but i've still checked out such a narrow portion of them #(and these fandoms are like. just a few. leaving aside MiA's dead tag. LOGH + T&B + Vorkosigan + ...anything else here would be a lie) #(Queen's Thief + Temeraire + TMA are on the backburner rn for reading fic but they were faves before yet i read SO little of what existed) #(everything else i just check out very occasionally or when directly recc'd) #i think mmmaaaybe 'my buddy who reads tons of fic' would be the case if there were new fics about the sages coming out every day #they're sort of a unique hyperfixation for me lol #but there are NOT. instead there are ((checks)) #four (4) english language belavue fics on AO3 that are not by me #AND two of them i would say do not actually have any ship content and were likely just tagged that to be safe #as far as non ship content there are ((checks again)) 21 English language fics tagged with Belaf and I wrote 13 of them ........ #(and 17 for Vueko and i wrote 10. two of the others barely mention her and shouldn’t be tagged lol) …guys i'm starving............ #ok you read to the bottom of the tags you get to hear a selfish wish #i kind of hope that someday...someone will...write some fic about the sages either because of me or for me #gen or ship it doesnt matter #but this kind of thing usually happens in AO3 exchanges though and there aren't ones in this fandom because the fic scene is so miniscule #i'm literally running one right now off AO3 but have a feeling it will end up being mostly art and also didn't put myself in as a requester #since the people participating have largely made stuff for me as gifts before and i have a glut of lovely work from them #and again that exchange will mostly end up being art i feel and not fic. but some other time... i still wish ... more fic... pleae..plaeabs #there are very specific reasons i don't want to host an MiA fic exchange through AO3. i can guess the kind of stuff some people will reques #(the kind of stuff that's already in the tag.) and it's not stuff i feel like moderating an exchange involving >_> so i won't #but god.. ... ..... someday......i hope....there can be an exchange where i ask for somethinga bout these people.............

[theclosetedskeleton]

me staring at my DAD when he said "if i see you have any f's during these 10 days.. things are gonna be bad. and by that i mean youre gonna get your tv taken. And youre gonna get no privacy. Meaning im going to take your door away" when i just wanted to go downstairs and get a fucking granola bar and NOT remember that if i fuck up once at school my privacy vanishes

#i am so fucking done with my parents my dad shouldve went with my mom to europe #hes more laid back and is not constantly checking to see what im doing (stares at my mom) but he is 100% more strict about things #also hes more how do i say this #“if you get emotional in front of me im going to start yelling at you instead of comforting and caring abt you” kinda person #like my mom cares about my emotions to an extent and my dad just fucking doesnt what in the world #i dont fucking care abt my tv that much its just my door that matters #at least i have backup plans in case he takes my door away #the plans arent solid and it may be more possible i could get caught but its better than nothing #EXTREME WORST CASE SCENARIO i keep fucking up and my parents put a camera in my room #then its literally over and i cant use my computer at ALL #if that happens maybe i can hide the computer in the bathroom cabinet and use it at night #idk if that would work #maybe i can hide it in my sisters old room's closet??? uhh idk maybe my mom would hear me walk to her room at night #lets just hope im not forgetting anything this weekend #i have to be better or else this stupid game gets harder and its easier to risk losing everything #closet rambles again on tumblr #goodness GRACIOUS was this a vent #sorry

[anaalnathrakhs]

i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.

#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating #i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice. #i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything. #i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years #i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating #i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group #nowhere i go will be free of obligations #i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway #my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not #they see me binge and nothing happens #we just ignore it #i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished #hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me #i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life #both meals with other people and my ritual binges #i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging #and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food #to other people #it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction #my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want #or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie #or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something #and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :) #and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly. #so badly that no one can deny i need help #i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital. #no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim #i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me #but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care. #so fuck me i guess