#this feels different than covid but covid is also the only time I've has chills like this so | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

catastrothy · 8 months

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here is a little chronicle of my sickness journey btw. bc i feel like i need to write this down because its been hilariously awful lol

warning 4 gross stuff, oversharing, and me bitching, unsurprisingly

back in early august i got sick with what i thought was a cold. basic symptoms, fever, achiness, runny nose, etc. things are relatively normal at first, i've gotten sick dozens of times because i'm particularly prone to sinus and ear infections so i brushed it off

And Then The Hives Began.

all over my limbs and very rarely on my torso and neck. even had one on my face. at one point my throat got very itchy and i had a panic attack thinking i would get anaphylaxis for the first time in my life. thankfully i took a shitton of claritin + pepcid + benedryl and it kicked in fast enough that i was okay

i go to the local urgent care. the doctor is amazing and gives a shit and prescribes me some steroids + recommends i keep taking what i've been taking. tells me to follow up with my primary doctor and to come back if things get worse.

Things Continue To Get Worse.

i go to my primary doctor. she is not very helpful. i've been thinking of switching providers anyway because i'm moving and this has kind of solidified this decision because i'm told "well that's weird! just uhh. keep taking your antihistamines and don't go out in public. good luck :)" the only thing is its been a hot minute since i switched providers and i dont really remember what the process is like and i will inevitably get social anxiety about it.

this continues for a while. i'm managing, i feel like shit. but i am managing. now here comes the really gross part. this morning (9/15/23) i am chilling on my computer. i go to scratch my stomach, only to find... there is crust. around my belly button. why is my belly button so crusty? what? it turns out there is discharge of some sort coming from there. why? who knows! it's not too painful but between the fact my fever is now higher than it's ever been (although still a low grade one) and i have this unexplained discharge it throws me into one of the worst panic attacks i've had in a while. all the worst case scenarios (sepsis, my second greatest phobia besides anaphylaxis) are running through my head but i remind myself every time i've thought shit was mega fucked it turned out okay. mira also helps comfort me and im able to collect myself and go to the urgent care (again). also on top of this i have like 3 cold sores and my period going at the same time so i am extra suffering!!!!!!!!!!

the doctor there is again really understanding and wonderful. i love this woman. she tests me for flu, covid, strep, and mono. she says she tests for mono specifically because a lot of other doctors miss it and make patients suffer for no reason. all tests come back negative thankfully (or maybe unthankfully... because we still dont know what the fuck i got). she puts me on like 5 new different meds (antiviral, antibiotic, steroid, nausea meds, and an antifungal to help if i get a yeast infection while on the antibiotic). at this point i am genuinely wishing i could make this lady my primary doctor but alas, 'tis not to be.

i am now given 1 shot each of antibiotic and steroid. one in each butt cheek. my ass hurts so badly. sitting is vaguely uncomfortable.

i am given some gauze and also told to buy dial soap for the belly button infection. i go home and lay on the couch. and thus this is where we are now

also my electric company charged me like $200 for electricity which we do not have atm so thats a cool cherry on top

anyway moral of the story is that my immune system is garbage and i wish it attacked the virus instead of me <3

#text #blegh i wish i was over this already #this has been the most disruptive sickness ive ever had thats for sure

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seasidepierre · 2 years

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OK so it's less of a paragraph and more like my thoughts thrown into words/bulletpoints ready to be written into an essay, where to start

the title, love it, rather than a pt 2 you gave it a similar name,more original

I like how pierre just knew by the way charles acted that something happened between them

I loved the like 5 different times kinda trope you incorporated, it was subtle.

I love how everyone treats tink, like I find it adorable that she's so loved and not just by ferrari but by the others, which links to the dinner. How everyone just knew what she likes etc, makes me think it's cuz charles talks about her so much that the others feel like they know practically everything about her now

how she was so enamoured by him that mattia was like don't forget to take pictures of carlos lol

how Charles wore her bracelet and then the mechanic like auto completed his sentence of she's not my girlfriend

and the memes! I take it we are talking about stuff like the fastest lap thing they have on their Instagram and the funny captions they have on others, but I see this being more frequent with tink doing it, it's something I'd do tbf

and then bumping into carlos after that with the excuse and how he just 'accepts' it all, I reckon that's when he first clocked it and then suggests it to other drivers. and the comment about wearing pants because of the struggle to revive charles, I just loved that, thought it was funny

and her friendship with pierre I loved!!! how he was so sweet with her too and the affection which is uncommon from him. The fact that she can talk about it all freely with him. The fact that he saved their asses with the hickey accident. Surely not the only time he's had to cover for them

and the dinner!!! asdfghjkl it was so sweet and very fitting for him to just swap desserts no questions asked but then the kiss leaving everyone in shock, I wouldn't know how to react, I feel like they covered it up well ish but obvs everyone already had suspicions, I think this solidified everyone's assumptions that they were indeed together, but then how he went on with kissing some of the others just to really sell it was great!

and I like how you allude but don't go into full detail and smut, more simplistic and like teasing

monza my beloved, and mattia with the little grins and nudges cuz he just knows, and how the mechanic is just like so chill about it like yep we been knew, but then Daniels comments all jokey omd I loved them like the cheating one or the stealing the trophy, and the trophy being her bday gift I would simply pass out, Daniel calling Charles babe! saying this is what he's missing :(

and then the final public reveal too with a short but sweet caption

I just loved it all, thanks for listening to my Ted talk :)

First of all: I love you so much you have no idea. This has MADE my night and I slept the entire night for the first time since Covid grabbed me by the neck. Entirely sure this was your doing. Even if it wasn't, I'll say it was. The fact that you took the time to write all of this? You deserve a crown. Here, it's yours queen, take it 👑

Omg let me answer in bullet points too because this was too good to be true last night but now I woke up and it's really true..?

I'm so glad you liked the title, it was my cheeky way of having a part 2 without having it called "part 2" lol

Listen, I love Piarles with all my heart, I don't think I ever will write Pierre and Charles mad at each other.

Gotta say thanks to my boo Rach at @parkerbunny she was the one who suggested it and it inspired me A LOT not gonna lie!

I live for the idea of a team sweetheart. I've always found it much easier to hang out with guys than girls, though I do have more girl friends than the other way, but I find it so cool to be one of the guys? Idk, it makes little sense, but that's why I also love the friends to lovers trope and that's why many of my characters are apart of a guy group at the beginning. And yes, that's totally what I hoped for with the dinner part. Charles talked so much about Tink that they all know her by heart anyway. Like sure they consider her as a friend but they don't hang out much during the race weekends so they don't know much about her.. except when Charles constantly raves about her.

Imagine being called out gently by Mattia? Ugh, I'd die of embarassment but thanks kind King for being gentle about it.

the mechanics are so fed up with him lmao they literally can't anymore the teasing is up to the roof lmao

We are absolutely talking about the unhinged memes of Charles throwing fast laps in the air lmao I just imagine Tink cackling behind her phone, making memes with her boyfriend's face and then showing them to him before he'd go "Oh God..." with his lil blushing cheeks??????? ugh.

Oh Carlos knows the SECOND he finds her in the hallway without pants. Like he's had his doubts but when she goes "yeah yeah i was just walking and oh my feet took me right in the hallway where Charles' room is, what a coincidence!!!" he's like "gurl, i'm a smooth operator, i'm no dumdum"

I think he listened to Charles' sappy rants enough to be happy that he finally stopped lmao. The girl who made Charles shut up? She's his bestie lol. Also, he's a tiny bit older to Charles and he's normally the baby of his brotherhood so taking the role of a big brother to Charles is probably making him happy, so if he can help and protect, he will!

You'd like his dessert? No probs queen, he'll swap, anything for you!! They didn't cover it well ish lmao, Charles being a drunk slut is not a cover up, they all already know at this point, they just played with them because it was way funnier to pretend like they had a hang on the situation. Also, I imagine Lando has roasting material for the next ten years thanks to the bro kisses.

I'm not entirely comfortable writing smut yet, though I'm absolutely PROUD of part 4 of pull me back to you because I stepped out of my comfort zone for that one. I'm slowly building myself up for it, though, so the teasing and allusions are a nice warm up!

Mattia has known for a while, now, but it's not his place to say anything. He smiles about it when the mechanics talk about you two and how oblivious you are to them actually knowing but he's always the one walming down everyone and reminding them that you'll come out to them when you feel ready to. He tries to help you find the assurance that nothing will change in your status within the team.

Daniel wouldn't be Daniel if he didn't tease them about finally coming clean. I feel like Charles is romantic to the CORE so him gifting her a trophy makes all the sense.

The Insta caption is just simple but effective (cue 1D war flashbacks)

Thanks again for this very comprehensive reaction post, it meant the world to me you have no idea!!!

#ask #writing reactions #snmg

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dannobfg · 2 years

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So I had Covid over the Christmas holidays. I was stuck in quarantine for 11 days till my tests were finally negative. Now, just over a week later, my flatmate has tested positive too. He got it from people at his work. He's in his room, quarantining.

I already lost a week of work, and unfortunately, of pay, given my particular situation of employment. I'm currently waiting for my boss to message me back to tell me if I'm allowed to go into work next week. I think it's likely they'll make me do a test daily, and as long as I test negative each time, then everything should continue normally. This is one more thing that adds to everything going on lately. Feels like this new year has come full of bad luck.

This week my shower broke. Our downstairs neighbor came up saying his ceiling was leaking water. It took 4 days to get it fixed. So at least that's out of the way. At least for now. But like, it was just another thing.

This weekend I was supposed to be meeting my sister and brother for lunch and to chill and catch up, since I didn't see them for Christmas. But obviously, due to fucking covid, I'm not able to go. My sister is only here for a few hours as she is going to the airport to catch a flight. It's too risky to meet up really anyway...but, I'm frustrated at the whole situation. I have fucking had it with this pandemic. Idk if pandemic burnout is a thing, but I for sure have it...

Work is also super intense lately, and next week it's getting even busier. I work about 11 hours a day, Monday through Friday. I hardly have time for lunch or to myself. My social life is nonexistent, and even when I have a little more time on Saturday or Sunday, I'm so exhausted that it's hard to make plans. It's also hard to coordinate plans and schedules in adult life. Everyone has their own job and obligations to take care of. Everything takes a lot of effort and planning. It's exhausting. I miss the spontaneous nature of my life back down south.

I moved to Madrid in the last week of August. It's January now. A friend asked me on videocall recently if I'd made any new friends. I said not really. I haven't had that much free time. And when I have had it, I tried to meet the friends I already knew here. All 2 of them...My coworkers are just that, coworkers. We're not friends, but we're not not friends. I don't actually see them that much either since we're all doing individual sessions in individual rooms.

Am I lonely? Sometimes. When I have some time to myself and my brain starts to actually think instead of just do do do, go go go.

I've started this year off more depressed than I have ever been. It feels like I have so many different things happening all at once and I'm simply overwhelmed.

About a year ago almost now, I finally started to come out to people about being gay. My story is a long and difficult one, growing up in a homophobic environment. I recognize still so many homophobic attitudes and ideas in myself. My deconstruction is being hard. But in this aspect, I am happier than I have been.

Back in February 2021, I had my first boyfriend of sorts. It was a lot more in my own head than it was a reality. I caught feelings and I got myself quite hurt. It took me a long time to get over it. And I thought I had. But for at least two months now, there is not a night that goes by where my mind is not back there with him, going over every little detail of what we lived. Recently I've been remembering things that happened with him that I had forgotten. I think it's so present right now because it's coming up to the "anniversary". Almost a year ago now.

I haven't helped myself by seeking out new experiences with new people. For me it's not easy to feel sexual attraction if I don't have feelings already. I've been familiarizing myself with the concept of asexuality, demisexuality and just grey ace I guess. I still don't feel comfortable anywhere tbh.

See, the whole thing is I don't know who I am or what I want. For the longest time I lived a life where every step was planned out. Not every detail, but yes a general direction. Last year I finally decided I had had enough and stepped out of that life. But I haven't quite found my feet yet in this new one.

I've lost so many people. Family too. It's tough. Some people I haven't told, but they'll find out eventually. The truth always finds a way of coming to the surface.

The transition from student life to work life has also been quite hard. Made worse by this whole pandemic which doesn't seem to want to end quite just yet. Idk, there's just a lot of things happening right now.

I was looking for a relationship for a while. I was stuck in the mindset that another person is what I needed to be happy, or at the very least, happier. But no. The whole culture surrounding gay relationships is fucked up. And in general, it's out of fashion to be monogamous and tied down when you're my age.

I went on so many dates the last few months. It was exhausting. Too many talking phases that ended up nowhere. And if they ended up somewhere, it was the friendzone. I guess in a way, it's partly my own fault. I was putting too much pressure on them. And people are generally scared of commitment and being vulnerable with someone else. I understand that it's not easy, but I do still believe that it's worth it and that it's the only way that I know of, of actually getting to know and love someone.

I've always cared too much about other people. In two ways; about what they think of me, and about them / for them. To me, people have intrinsic worth simply because they are. I think because of the way I was brought up, it feels disrespectful to sexualise someone and nothing else. I think that's why I haven't been able to just hook up with people.

So, I deactivated my profiles on dating apps and have decided to stop seeking out a relationship for now. I'm in no position to actually be able to love someone the way they deserve because my head is too far up my own ass, deep in my own miseries...

I've wanted to start therapy for a long time. But it hasn't worked out yet. It's expensive, and I need it to be in person which involves getting from A to B. I don't have time during the week because of work and many shrinks don't work weekends here. Plus, the online option isn't really available to me since I don't feel comfortable in my own home right now either, and the walls are paper thin.

My living situation is that I'm sharing a flat with two other, older guys. I didn't know them before I moved in. They're nice enough, but they are very heterosexual. The type of guy I do not know how to relate well to and don't have much in common with. Plus, the age difference doesn't help much in that sense.

I originally signed a 6 month contract. That ends in February. I could technically ask for it to be extended, and I may yet have to. I'm not sure that they're that happy with me as a flatmate either, so there's a chance that even if I wanted to stay, they wouldn't allow it. But it's really got me quite stressed out right now. Because rent is super expensive here and the area where I live isn't really one where there is much option available to rent with flatmates...I found this place by pure luck, the good kind. And I would need a whole lot more good luck to find somewhere new.

It currently takes me about 30 mins on the metro to get to work and about 30 mins to get to the centre of Madrid, also by metro. This area is kind of ideal between work and social life. Logistically, moving would also be quite complicated. Honestly idk what I'm gonna do in the end...

Anyway, needless to say, I've got a lot on my plate right now and I'm managing it all poorly. Being a young adult is not easy, and honestly, idk how long I can keep this rhythm up for. My next break of 4 days won't be till April...

I constantly have this feeling inside of wanting to stop and breakdown. But I can't. Literally no more tears left to cry. Plus there's nowhere to go. Like, I feel trapped. I have responsibility in my work. Towards people. I work to help people that need it. My absence would create a void not easily replaced. Not to sell myself high, but my particular CV is not common. In fact, they've been looking for someone for this position for ages, and they're still looking if they were to find someone else to add to the team.

Idk...

I've also been thinking a lot about late-blooming lately. Like, I recently got a second ear piercing and though subtle, it feels like the equivalent of a gay person going through the phase of dying their hair different colours. Like, being a bit rebelious and pushing boundaries and exploring self-expression. I feel like I'm finally in a place where I want to be that way but find myself having to conform to social norms and practises of the profesional work environment. Plus I've always been the good kid, so it doesn't come easy.

I think I'm going to quit my job come summer. And if fucking covid allows, travel and work teaching English again for a bit, until I figure life out a bit more. You know? But that's also kinda crazy.

Like, I've come to realise that most people don't have it together. Most people are just going through life as lost as me. We grow up looking up to older people thinking they have it all figured out. But the truth is, rarely is anyone truly at peace. Maybe that's a little too harsh. But my point is, there's no single point one reaches where life magically is fine. No specific age.

Anyway, I feel like I got a lot off my chest with these words. Excuse my ramblings. I'm not looking for answers. I'm just venting my brain to the internet because I literally have no one else to go to right now.

I feel like such a waste. Like, I've always had so much potential to be great. Yet here I am, depressed as fuck, rambling to the internet...what a mess of a human that I am...

#ramblings #personal #vent #it's a lot

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stonertransdad · 3 years

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Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

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krumbine · 3 years

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It's time for a reboot.

As it turns out, I do this a lot -- literally, resetting my life after things have stopped making any sense. I'm 36 and twice-divorced -- it's hard to have a more significant reset than that, my friends.

It's been 18 months of this pandemic. 18 months that have seen a furlough, layoff, extended unemployment, shitty job interviews, the best job I've ever had, and the most professionally-creatively fulfilled I've ever felt.

It's been 18 months and I feel like I'm a different person. Which means it's time to take stock, re-assess, and reboot.

Because the thing is, I'm tired of apologizing.

I'm tired of apologizing for wanting to be safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for having the means -- remote work, good pay, and little life responsibilities -- to stay safe.

I'm tired of apologizing for living in Florida, home of the Freedumb Fighting Antivaxx, Antimask Covid-Denying Patriots who Vote Against Their Own Best Interests Even if it Kills Them (and Especially When it Does Kill Them). The COVID story in Florida is like a vinyl record with a DeSantis-sized scratch straight through it. We're repeating the same horrible events over and over and over again but Floridaman thinks the record scratch is just an intentional part of the beat.

I'm tired of apologizing for Florida, but this is where I am. This is where I own my house, and -- guess what?? -- this is where I have the means to stay cautious and safe, despite my governor's persistent, insistent attempts to murder all of his constituents through shit public health policy.

I'm tired of apologizing to work, family, and other insignificant strangers -- no, the petri-dish of infection rates and the capacity-breaking hospital system does not leave me comfortable stepping out of my bubble. Two shots of Pfizer is not a biohazard suit-of-armor when the rest of Floriduh's residents are practically spitting in each other's mouths.

(My general rule of thumb: when the transmission and hospitalization rates are low-to-insignificant, then it's safe out. What's the point of risking infection -- or literally anything else -- if you won't be able to receive the care you need at a hospital?)

I'm tired of apologizing. So I think I'll stop.

Here's the pattern: new circumstances are introduced (job, significant other, pandemic), I learn and adapt, I get comfortable in the new routine, and then I slowly find my way back to the important things.

For me, those important things have always been personal creative work that satisfies my soul.

That's the pattern, now here's the reboot: life either supports the creative premise or it doesn't. If it doesn't, fuck it (within all reason).

'tis the Season

Devilmas runs from October 1 through December 31. It's about the family you choose, zombies and horror films, getting drunk, high, and happy, and doing creative shit for yourself.

It's the anti-holiday season.

It's also the perfect time to reevaluate what's important and who you want to be.

In other words ... it's the perfect time for a reboot.

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Along with no longer apologizing for having the means and the desire to not get COVID, here are the top three things I think about when reevaluating, dismantling, and rebooting my life.

Less is more.

I've already gone through several phases of minimalism, and mentally, I don't hold onto very much. I've lived in tiny houses and trailers, even though that home I'm not apologizing for has four bedrooms and is nearly 2,000 square feet. (There are still random drawers in the kitchen that are just ... empty.)

My brain is wired for minimalism, but it's not always at the forefront. A reboot is an excellent opportunity to recenter that priority. And while I'm not planning on downsizing my house or anything in it, I do have one exception to minimalism. This fervent and unapologetic tech fetish can definitely be put in check.

Minimalism helps me refocus from:

"Oooh, shiny new gadget!" to:

"Pay off the car. Pay off the house. This is the way."

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More or Less

The last 18 months have been a strange tug-of-war with productivity (this will tie into my third point below). While unemployed, I doubled down on my personal creative work, mainly focusing on writing (adapting, rewriting, and polishing novellas, writing a mess of short stories, developing and writing a few drafts of a feature film for a friend).

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Of course, when you're unemployed (as well as when you're freelancing), you're never really "off". This means that even though I hadn't worked for a year, it was still one of the most overworked and stressful times of my life. You know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, see above -- I'm not apologizing anymore, especially to people who simply lack the experience or the imagination (or the empathy) to be reasonable.

My point here is that, in the grand scheme of life, I wanted to find a space where I was okay doing nothing. Fuck productivity and just chill, literally at 100%.

And let me tell you: it's fucking hard. Maybe not impossible, but definitely hard.

Now here's the plot twist (more or less). The task of giving myself permission to do nothing is carefully balanced with an inexplicable kind of inner peace. It's literally a quieted mind and soul -- something that I only discover when lost in a meaningful piece of creative work.

This got me thinking that perhaps the illusion of productivity isn't so bad. (Obviously, this isn't a blanket statement. A lot depends on the person you are and if you struggle with our society's fetishization of productivity. If that's you, then please take this section with an appropriate serving size of salt.)

Productivity doesn't matter as much as how my chosen activities feed my soul.

Work is work is work, but if I can prioritize creative art that helps me lose myself for hours at a time, well, maybe that is being productive. Or maybe it's just doing what makes me happy.

Finally, nothing matters. Finally.

This is always the most valuable part of any reboot since it's foundational and spans all other concepts.

In 36 years, I've learned the hard way how to be a pretty chill human, but things still get to me. At work -- that best job I've ever had? -- frustrations still mount. At home, when something insignificant disrupts the status quo.

But the truth is that nothing actually matters. And that perspective helps put frustrations into their place.

We're all just a speck of dust hurtling through the cosmos on another speck of dust, and -- statistically speaking -- when compared to an infinitely expanding universe, humanity doesn't even exist.

Nothing matters.

Except for the things that do matter. Which is whatever the fuck I want those things to be. Because nothing actually matters.

Talk about life hacks that matter.

Cheers, motherfuzzers.

#Youtube #life #blog #creativity

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tuesdayx · 3 years

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So I thought it would be fun to do a song-by-song breakdown of our latest album Essential.

Essential started as some rough demos designated for a side project in late 2019, which then became our largest album to date in terms of song selection. Many of the themes deal with learning to cope with the changing world thanks to Covid, with a perspective of someone who had to keep working at an "essential" job with no option of self-quarantine. I was happy to continue working and being able to pay my bills over the past year, but there was always elements of stress, fear, and tension lingering over myself and everyone else in my position.

So here we go; starting from the top let's look at the Songs of Tuesday X's 6th album Essential.

1. Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Beams: the title was a reference to the 9/11 conspiracy memes, which as stated in the opening lines, "has nothing to do with this song." Written in January of 2020 before Covid had made any significant impact in the US, the song touches on many themes which happened to occur throughout the year, such as [another] Californian forest fire (Australia too), new diseases (Covid), a riot (the BLM movement over the summer, which I will state everything that movement has been fighting for is 100% justified and the United States is in desperate need of Police reform, as does our political system which has remained inherently racist to this day.), Civil War (and exaggeration for sure, but the civil unrest and political division in our country will soon split us apart further), more corporate giants(companies like Amazon profited more from this Pandemic than ever before and have helped further the gap between the American working class and the top 1%). Favorite line: "I won't get philosophical, I only wanted your attention."

2. The Only Difference Between You and Me is a Sense of Apathy and Your Brand New Nikes: This song is a blithing criticism of the American political system. Our two party system has left Americans with a choice between "the lesser of two evils" and allows politicians with no true interest in our needs to rise to power. The use of 3rd parties as an alternative is a overly simple compromise that would only just begin to alleviate the problems created in our political system. Both of our main parties are considered conservative parties to the rest of the world, and any progressive measures that would benefit society and reduce the effects of climate change are considered radical and preposterous by politicians with financial stakes in our crooked system where corporatations hold control and the people are treated as fuel for an otherwise worthless currency. Favorite line: "Listen to the radio, they played my favorite song. Now I'm bored and wanting more."

3. Blame it on the Elves: the title is a reference to an episode of the Podcast "Lore" by Aaron Menke (i can't recall which episode, but you should check it out anyway because it's great listen.) An instrumental interlude inspired by ragtime music of the 1920-30's, with an edge of course.

4. Class of Dropouts: This song was written when I was 16 during my sophomore year of high school and was originally featured on my now unavailable album "trees" before adopting the Tuesday X monicker. I brought it back 6 years later because I loved how raw and punk it was. The lyrics are dorky but I decided to leave them as is, it's a cool track for high school stoners to blare and let out their teen angst. Favorite line: "Walking in on my friends fucking."

5. Polaroids on My Bulletin Board: This is a song about growing up. As a 22 year old (now 23) who decided not to go to college straight out of high school, I felt isolated from my peers in a way. By going into the workfield right away I sometimes feel like I skipped a few years and missed out on a lot of opportunities. I regret not leaving my hometown sooner than I did and chasing my dreams of being a touring musician in a band. More often than not I reminisce of my youth playing shows and getting into trouble, as I now feel old and out of place in a scene I grew up in. Favorite line: "I know what it's like to be alive, I know what it's like to live a lie."

6. Labradoodle Underpass: Going back on the theme of growing up, this is about my recent experience with shows as an adult. When I was a teenager I felt ambitious and ready for anything, and I would drop literally everything to go to the nearest show. As an adult I feel introverted and constantly anxious about the world around me. I've missed out on a lot of great shows due to my own self doubt's and anxiety. Now that shows have been canceled for over a year I feel even more regret by not appreciating them more while I could. Favorite line: "23 years and a lingering fear that anything could happen, why am I here?"

7. Some Shit: This was me trying to be modest mouse lol jangly guitars and half talking/half singing vocals describing the world around me. I guess in a way it was an exercise in writing character description and setting, but otherwise it's just a chill track that almost feels aimless at parts. Favorite Line: "it's just some shit I learned from a friend. Just some shit I learned when I was trying to prepare."

8: Woe is the World: On the album this is a chorus snippet that barely a minute long (the full version is available as a bonus track on bandcamp, and it was actually a demo that turned out better than the final version.) I originally wrote this song when I was 15 with a different set of lyrics, but I came back to it while writing this album and re-wrote it to reflect my mental state and the world around me. Overall, just another melancholy track in a sea of melancholy songs. Favorite line: "you've never felt more alone than you do now, was everything worth it in the end?"

9. Then Why Was it Named Gideon?: the title is a reference to a line in Scott Pilgrim's Finest Hour (my favorite series) and like the first track on this album doesn't have much to do with the song. "Gideon" is a simple love song, talking again about how growing up sucks but having the right person by your side can make all the shitty times worth it in the end. Favorite line: "it's time to move on, you're taking too long."

10. I am Here, I'm Looking at Her, and She is Beautiful: This song is entirely about the book "Perks of Being a Wallflower". That's it. Nothing else, let's move on. Favorite line: "Over Christmas I read them a poem about a brown paper bag and the boy who wrote it."

11. Try to Be a Filter, Not a Sponge: Like the previous song, this one is also mostly about "Perks of Being a Wallflower", but with elements of my own experience with toxic relationships. I like to think of it as the character Charlie's experience with Mary Elizabeth overall though. Favorite line: "She called my favorite book washed out trash, said I have no taste and I'm still too sad."

12. Lavender Spray Bottle: This instrumental dates back to 2017. I recorded the guitar part as a demo on my phone and forgot about it. Over time I forgot how to play the guitar part, so I used the demo as a basis and layered everything else on top of it. The title is a reference to a bottle of water with lavender essential oils mixed in that my ex used to fend away spiders in the house we lived in at the time.

13. Hindsight is 2020: I will admit, this is my favorite song on the whole album and was actually the last to be written and recorded. With a simple guitar part and layers of vocals, this song is a direct reflection of life during the peak of the pandemic. With curfews in place and rising case counts, I had to learn to cope with life at home during my late nights away from work. My partner was quarantined during this time and I reflected on the mental strain this put on her. Favorite line: "Don't go to work, you need the money but you're not happy when you're there. Sometimes life is so unfair."

14. I Don't Know How to Deal With Serious Emotions Without Turning Them into a Fucking Joke: the title came from a meme I found on my phone from high school. The song itself was about my own inability to handle serious emotions without coming off as sarcastic. In both the music and lyrics, the song starts as a simple confession before exploding into raw chaos. Favorite line: "it's so hard. I'm so scared, what have I become?"

15. Say Hello to My Little Friend: the last instrumental on this album. A short haunting tune that reflects the final two tracks. The title is probably a reference to Rambo or something, but I never watched it and I thought it fit the feeling of this song.

16. Minneapolis: What became one of the most emotional tracks on this song actually began as a joke. My partner was snap chatting a friend one night and they asked me to write them a song on the spot. So I improvised the first two verses and chorus of this song, referencing her going to school there at the time. I found I actually liked what I had written however, so I refined the track and changed it from a sassy country song into a melancholic lament of my experience in the twin cities and southern Minnesota. Favorite line: "I miss Camp Snoopy, and Paul Bunyon's log flume ride that went around the whole damn mall."

17. Before the Sunrise: the final song on the album is an intimate look at my relationship with my partner. Through past experiences i have become riddled with self doubt and always looking at improving myself as a person. With hopes that one day I'll be the person I'd like to be for mine and their sake, it's an optimistic tribute to my best friend. Favorite line: "the cycle ends until the sun rises again, you're my best friend."

Thank you all so much! Check out Essential and our other music on Bandcamp, Spotify, Apple, and other places! I hope you all enjoyed this personal look at these songs that got me through the worst parts of 2020.

#tuesday x #emo #music #alternative #art rock #diy music #diy #midwest #underground #lyrics #essential #covid19

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mc-slowwalker · 3 years

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Idk if America is covering it up but it's all I fucking see. Before, we all thought the pandemic would be over when the vaccine comes out. And NOW we have this wonder of science with 3 vaccine that WORK and stupid people won't let this fucking pandemic end. It's just getting worse. It's like there was a glimpse of freedom but anti-vaxxers ruined it.

My friend literally has asthma and they won't let her get vaccinated. She's scared she'll get kicked out if she gets it on her own. Colleges are doing terrible with covid how are you gonna trust Americans at a con? They're already not good with boundaries, how are you gonna encourage them to go when there's a deadly, SUPER contagious virus going around?

I'm just so mad about this, genuinely. Of course covid is terrible but how can Tommy contract it and then continue to encourage vidcon? And Wilbur and everyone else too? It's so unfair. Bad is also going and he's had covid too! Which he said he got from just going to Walmart or something so can you imagine how bad it'll be at a MASS GATHERING.

I cannot believe how little they're thinking about this. Imagine how many people have had covid, or had loved ones get covid, or at the worst, lost loved ones to covid? I know I've had that fear multiple times because I have family in non-first world countries. It's so insensitive and makes me insanely uncomfortable.

The display of just not caring is bothering me the most. You got covid, you're young so you don't have to worry about your immune system. You don't have to worry about dying. Can you imagine how immuno-compromised people feel? Teachers? Healthcare workers? People with elder family? They don't get that privilege of not having to worry.

I'm just so angry about this, sorry for the long rant. - lettuce anon

My family was sure that things were gonna chill after the vaccine and even though we knew that the antivax movement was big I think my parents thought that the government would do more? (Spoiler alert: they didn’t)

Colleges are doing shit, though I’d say I was a hypocrite because I’m going to college in a couple of weeks. My only options are go to college or get a job, and moving to college protects my family more immediately. It’s probably the selfish option, but either way I’d here to leave the house and put people in danger. I’m vaccinated, paranoid, and super antisocial so wish me luck. If/when I do get sick it’ll be easier to quarantine in a college dorm rather than my very full home. Even that I feel guilty about, I don’t know how vidcon goers don’t feel guilty

But yeah both tommy & bbh got covid by chance despite precautions so the fact that they’re still willing to go is,, wild

I don’t have any family in non-first world countries so I can only relate so much on that front, but my dad’s girlfriend is a healthcare worker and has an autoimmune disorder, so if the family gets covid she will likely not survive. Actually my mom and dad are really high risk too, covid could easily wipe out my family

And I’d like to point out a huge demographic that people (not you) like to leave out when talking about vaccines: cancer patients and recovering vaccine patients! They can’t get the vaccine because it will kill them but if they get covid it will kill them. Immunosuppressed people are gonna suffer too! Arguably I don’t know it immunosuppression is all that different from immunocompromised so I could just be arguing a point you already made

#anon #ask #lettuce anon #long post #tw death #tw covid #feel free to rant always but do keep in mind I will respond to most of it giving you a rant back

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almightylacifer · 2 years

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12.14.2021

Work vent

This morning as I was cooking my son breakfast I found out how truly exhausted I am. I can't tell you the last time I picked up chopsticks and not be able to handle them properly. My entire body is pushed to the point of exhaustion its even sore just laying down.

As much as I love my job I do think the promotion was a bit much added to the plate. Not that I'm not good at what I do but I tend to try and go above and beyond the expectations of myself and peers and that's not mixing well at all with how understaffed my store is running.

I know I'm not the only one too. Half my staff I manage are in the exact same boat and as much as I cherish my boss I do feel she isn't helping with the situation.

I've been a manager since I came back from my covid leave and I've essentially taught myself the ropes to it. I've also been thrown into my own shifts without my training done. Training is hard to get done when you're working three different stations and can't find wiggle room because you have no employees. Its also really hard when your GM won't take time to hire more people in.

I'm trying my best to show my work family how important they are to me and the company by holding off my training and getting them certified so they can get their raises. I mean FUCK my CSR has done the job of 5 people by himself three consecutive days this weekend; including his birthday! I have others making at least 500 pizzas the weekend alone and only beginning their work week. My wrists are in bad shape from cutting all of them lmfaooo. Half the time I don't even know who I have delivering because they're that busy making runs.

We are fucking tired. All my drivers looked dead inside yesterday so I'm glad they're getting a day off today as well. As much as a pizza place is a chill place to work for we get overworked and overwhelmed too. And if I had the rank to do interviews I'd be pulling as many people as I can in. Our GM tends to run off for awhile or take a little longer than she should on runs and I genuinely think she could be utilizing that time to get people in.

Honestly if the bitch (mean that with love) would get us more people to train I can handle getting our current ones where we need them to be. I can't be the only one trying to get everyone that much closer to greatness and I can't see my coworkers dissipate anymore but what can I actually do to help anymore? How much longer is my body going to hold up for?

I guess it's something I need to think about over my weekend; though I'd like to keep my mind off of work so I can spend as much time as I can with my son. This weekend I e been so focused on work that I wasn't able to give him the time he deserves from me too; so these next two days are dedicated to him and what he'd like to do.

I'll find the balance I need soon. I'm sure of it.

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