okay i can't figure out how to write the bit and be funny about it, but, concept borne of the fact it's may and therefore mermay and also i can't stop thinking about the stupid swedishbeans bit: iskall is a selkie. joel is like, a normal person who lives in a fishing village. iskall decides joel is madly in love with him and starts trying to sneak his seal skin into joel's possession, and then do a Complain about "oh no the terrible fisherman has stolen his skin. guess he has to marry him now." meanwhile joel is confused, kind of scared, and keeps on trying to give the stupid thing back WHY DO YOU KEEP ACCUSING HIM OF STEALING IT PLEASE,
meanwhile, the b-plot is iskall getting in trouble with the local mob boss, but since beef knows that iskall is a supernatural being, it is Bad Luck to get on a selkie's bad side and beef can't get away with just making the problem vanish. somehow they have both devolved into bizarre proxy wars, with beef trying to figure out how to get rid of the most annoying man alive without either losing face with his subordinates (for seemingly being unable to get rid of this one weirdo) or being cursed for eternity (no mob boss worth his salt gets involved with the supernatural in a way that leads to them cursing them), while iskall continuously sees how much more he can get away with before making this guy snap.
meanwhile meanwhile, in JOEL'S b-plot, mysterious stranger from the woods (and secretly a shapeshifting fox), etho, owes joel five dollars, and he WILL get those five dollars back, dammit. in truth etho, despite being a trickster spirit, was actually originally going to pay those five dollars, but both of them have descended so far into the bit at this point that it'd be weird to stop harassing each other and they'd kind of miss it. meanwhile, everyone in the village has wildly different opinions on what on earth is ACTUALLY happening between them.
all of these plots eventually collide to become something increasingly stupid, probably, it would just need to be the world's silliest situational comedy/sitcom type fic where things get more convoluted before they resolve. do you all see the vision,
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so one time i got bit by a brown recluse which is one of the only types of spider in my area that's actually dangerous and at first i didn't know what had happened to me, only that it was nasty. the swelling wasn't going down and the wound started to get ugly. i don't want to like get into the details because that's gross but it got to the point 2 weeks later that i was worried enough to go to the doctor, which i hate doing.
i am not afraid of spiders but other people are so i'd been covering it with this big ole square bandage (i needed more landscape coverage than a simple bandaid) and sat in the university medical waiting room, kicking my heels and playing BOTW. the nurse who admitted me was like, oh, we have got to get Tom to cover this one. she wrote spider bite under my ticket.
i waited in the near-empty building for like an hour and then nurse tom shows up in spiderman scrubs, out of breath. "sorry," he says, "i saw - your slip - and I had," he heaves in a breath, "to run home and. get. these scrubs. i literally. ran. felt like a job. for. spiderman."
i laugh. he puts his hands on his knees, thumbs-ups at me. fishes a pamphlet out from under his clipboard that basically says spiders can be scary but you don't need to be scared, there's very few dangerous spiders in new england. "honestly," he wheezes, "we probably don't need to get you into an exam room. just..." he waves his hand at the pamphlet, "read that."
i look down at my arm. then back at him in his scrubs. and then down at my arm. i like that he made an effort to make a joke, but now it does not feel like a good joke, because they are mistaking my calm for a lack of injury. "can i. like. at least show you the bite?"
he gives me kind of a weird look, which is fair, but then says. "if. i mean, if you have to."
i peel the bandage off. his face goes green.
"oh," he says.
"yeah, man."
"a... spider bit you?" his voice is high and tight and trembling. he backs up a few steps.
"i think a brown recluse," i offer. "i know it's nasty, sorry."
"excuse me for a moment." he looks over to the administering nurse on the other side of the small room. "i need to find someone else to take care of you."
the administering nurse smiles over to us with a degree of pleasure that is almost salivating. for a moment, like a window opening, i am briefly aware of what must be a psychic message floating amongst the in-between. her jaguar teeth all say this is like a party for me and i know exactly what i'm doing.
"oh no, tom," she says, grinning. "i gave her to you specifically."
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