#thinking about jonathan’s guilt and about will reassuring him that no it wasn’t his fault | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

brighteyedbushybrowed · 2 years

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𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐚 (𝐄𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐱 𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐫!𝐎𝐂)

𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐫 - 𝐀 𝐏𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐏𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡

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A/N: I can’t tell you how satisfying it was to write this chapter. No hate towards Steve, but he was a dick in season 1 (no I’m not excusing Jonathan, but smashing his camera was such a dick move man).

Wednesday November 9th, 1983

Day three since Will had disappeared.

Day three since Renee had the gnawing feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

Day three of trying desperately to find him and reassure herself that he was okay and that his disappearance wasn’t her fault.

Poking and prodding at her cereal, Renee stared aimlessly at the front door. Her dad hadn’t returned home last night, but she hadn’t expected him to. He was out searching for Will, as were a lot of people it turned out. She wasn’t so self-obsessed to think that she had something to do with the increase in people looking for him, but she hoped that she’d at least helped. Him not being there meant he wasn’t able to question her absence from school, so she certainly wasn’t going to complain.

The brunette pushed the soggy food around in her bowl before finally giving up, dumping it in the sink ready to clean up later. Eddie would lecture her if he knew she hadn’t eaten but she didn’t care. Finding Will was more important than sodden cereal.

Renee pulled a photo out of her wallet. The fall backdrop of orange and yellow leaves drifting down to the ground as her dad carried Sara on his shoulders brought a bittersweet smile to her face. She barely even looked at her eleven year old self holding onto her dad’s jacket. Her focus remained on her little sister’s blonde pigtails blowing in the breeze – blonde pigtails stolen from her by chemotherapy. The brunette used to love giving her little plaits and styling her hair. Then, when she lost her hair, Renee shaved her own hair off in solidarity. Even after five years, she still kept the back and sides of her hair shaved in her honour.

Thoughts of the photo – one of the last before Sara died – continued to swirl around Renee’s head as she drove to Hawkins High. What would her little sister be like now? Would her parents have stayed together and all of them moved back to Hawkins together? If so, would Sara have been friends with the boys? With Will? Would she be tall? Short? What would be her favourite subject in school? She always used to love drawing with Renee so would art be her favourite?

“Shit.” She took a hand off the wheel to wipe away a stray tear. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried properly over her sister.

Thankful that she was managing to keep her composure for the most part, Renee pulled into her usual spot in the parking lot and locked up her pickup truck before she made her way towards the entrance. Jonathan was waiting for her, camera around his neck as usual. The moment she reached him, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her away to somewhere quieter and with less students to eavesdrop on them.

“Meet me in the dark room the photography club uses at lunch, okay? We’re gonna see if we can find anything helpful in the photos from last night.”

Renee nodded. “Sure. Do you want me to let Eddie know?”

“No,” he said. “He’s meeting us after school. Said he needed to check on something at the Wheelers’ and that you’d know what he was up to.”

Eleven. The brunette had almost forgotten about the mysterious girl that they and the kids had bumped into the night after Will went missing. She must have been scared out of her wits with no idea of what was going on or how long she’d have to hide.

“Right. I’ll meet you in the dark room at lunch then. With any luck, we’ll find a clue that we missed or maybe didn’t notice last night.”

The two of them in agreement, Renee and Jonathan entered the school building and split up to attend their respective classes for the morning.

***

Eddie was used to skipping classes. Ever since middle school, when the bullying and shunning began, he’d take the opportunity to play truant and just do whatever he wanted instead. It made him feel like he was at least in control of something in his life what with his dad in jail and his mom hitting the road as soon as she realised that she didn’t want to look after her son anymore. Wayne was the real father figure in his life, but sometimes the metalhead needed to run away from it all because he couldn’t cope with it all. The occasionally sad stares his uncle shot his way when he thought he wouldn’t notice. The cruel names and insults other kids threw at him. The punches and shoves and kicks when he defied someone that thought he was below them because he lived in a trailer park with his uncle and didn’t have money like all the other stupid rich jocks in that hellhole.

At age fourteen, Eddie Munson had smoked his first blunt and found a new way to temporarily escape from reality. A guy about ten years his senior, Reefer Rick, had found him skipping school down at Skull Rock and instead of taking him back to Hawkins Middle, he offered him a joint. It had tasted foul and hurt his lungs as he coughed up smoke, but after a while he learned how much to inhale at one time and how long to hold it in before slowly letting it out. And the high? The feeling of being even more in control of his life and his own happiness? How could he say no to that?

Now, at age seventeen, he was driving down to the Wheelers’ house to make sure some other kid was doing okay. He knew nothing about Eleven or her life before she was found in that baggy yellow t-shirt in the midst of a storm. Hell, he wasn’t sure if she’d ever actually tell him or anyone else about it. However, he did know what it was like to be scared and hiding from those who actively looked for people to torment on a daily basis. Maybe if he could get her to understand that she didn’t need to be scared and alone she would open up to him a little and he and Renee could find a way to help her.

The door at the back of the house that led into the basement was unlocked, much to Eddie’s relief. He made his way quietly down into the small room and almost yelped when he found Eleven staring at him, walkie talkie in hand.

“Jesus, kid, you scared me. Were you trying to give me a heart attack?”

Silence.

The metalhead cleared his throat before putting his backpack down on the ground and opening it. “Figured you’d need some food other than whatever junk and leftovers Wheeler gives you. It’s not the best, but I figured a microwave meal and a hot drink would be better than left over waffles.”

Eleven just watched as he pulled out a half empty jar of cocoa powder and two microwave roast dinners. He held up the jar when she frowned at him.

“You want some hot cocoa? I could put some whipped cream and marshmallows on top too if you want.”

She noiselessly nodded her head and Eddie grinned.

“Alright. I’ll be back in a minute, okay? Just gonna make our drinks and food.”

“Our food?”

He pointed to the second microwave meal he’d brought with him. “Thought you might want some company while you eat.”

Without any further questions or protest, the metalhead made his way up to the kitchen with the meals tucked under one arm and the hot chocolate jar in his left hand. Admittedly, it felt odd to be looking after a kid as if he was their parent or older brother. As an only child, Eddie had never stopped to consider what it would be like to have a little brother or sister. Was this what it was like to have a little brother or sister? Someone to look after and care for when the adults were away?

Soon enough, both meals and hot chocolates were done. He took the drinks down to the basement first before he returned for the food. Watching Eleven wolf down the food desperately was both a relief and a concern for him. What kind of parents would allow their child to go so hungry that they would eat as if their food was about to be taken away from them? Well, he knew the answer to that question but didn’t dwell on it.

“So, uh…” Eddie watched the young girl take a tentative sip of her cocoa. “How are you holding up living down here? Is Mike treating you okay?”

She nodded her head and went back to eating.

“Good. Good. And are you okay sleeping under the table? It looks kinda cramped down there.”

No response.

He chewed his lip for a moment before speaking up again. “Has he told you about our missing friend, Will? We were looking for him the night we found you.”

The girl stopped eating for a moment. “Hiding.”

Eddie frowned. “Will’s hiding? Where?”

He watched as Eleven moved away from the table and picked up a game board, holding it upright for a moment before flipping it over to the black underside. “Hiding. Upside down.”

The metalhead abandoned what was left of his meal to hold the board in his hands, repeating her movements. “He’s hiding in the dark somewhere?”

She shook her head and took the board off him. Picking up Will’s DnD miniature, she flipped the board from the right side up to the darkened underside of again and put Will’s miniature there.

“Upside down.”

***

Renee finished chewing the last mouthful of her lunch before leaving the cafeteria, dumping her tray with the other used ones. Even after drinking a carton of apple juice her mouth felt dry. Whatever Jonathan had taken photos of the previous night could be a massive help to finding Will faster and bringing him home. The thought of being able to get him home safe and sound had her thoughts racing. What were they even going to find that would point them in the right direction?

Just as she reached the door to the dark room, the brunette smiled at a familiar face.

“Well, fancy meeting you here, Ren,” Casey said with a smile.

“I could say the same to you!” Renee nodded her head towards the door. “I didn’t think you were still in photography club after you started hanging out with Harrington and co more.”

“There are just some photos I want to get developed, that’s all. What brings you here, anyway?”

She tucked a hair behind her ear. “Helping out Jonathan. We took some photos while we were out looking for Will last night to see if we could spot anything helpful, but our flashlights died on us. We’re hoping the camera at least caught something useful.”

The two girls chatted as they quickly entered the dark room, shutting the door swiftly behind them so that the light couldn’t get in. The deep red that dimly lit the room made Renee feel a little uncomfortable and claustrophobic, but she was willing to try and put that out of her mind to help her friend.

The elder of the Byers’ brothers was busy carefully hanging up images to dry off after they’d been soaked in the liquid emulsion. He barely glanced at Renee as he hung up each picture.

“Find anything useful yet?” the brunette asked as she inspected the first image that was hanging up. She deflated a little when she saw it was just some leaves on the ground, probably a practice shot.

“Not yet.” He hung up another photo that Casey looked at intently. “I’m starting to think we wasted our time looking behind Harrington’s place. We should’ve tried somewhere else.”

Renee didn’t register the way that her friend gave Jonathan a dirty look before she left the room. “That just means we can eliminate that location and look for clues elsewhere. We will find him, Jonathan. I promise.”

The lessons after that lunch seemed to crawl by at an agonisingly slow rate. The brunette kept bouncing her leg in irritation as she glared up at the clock. She swore they made the clocks go slower than usual to trick everyone into staying longer.

Gym at the end of the day was the slowest of them all. Not only did she have to play dodgeball for the best part of an hour, but she also had to be on the same team as Steve fucking Harrington: dickhead extraordinaire. To make matters worse, Jonathan wasn’t even in this lesson either because he had English. Throughout the entire duration of the lesson, she had to put up with Steve barking orders at her as if he was in charge of the whole group, listen to him complain if she dropped the ball or threw it and missed, and endure his friends’ snide remarks about her poor hand eye coordination. It wasn’t that she was bad at gym, she was just better at other things that she felt were more important than throwing balls around a gymnasium.

By the time school had finished and Renee was back in her clothes from before gym class, she dragged herself towards the parking lot. Her relief to see Eddie was almost immediately overridden by nausea when she saw Steve, Tommy, Carol, and Casey all sitting on the trunk of Jonathan’s car. She gestured for the metalhead to follow her before making her way over to join their friend.

“Hey, Jonathan, we’re about to go out and look for Will again. Why don’t you come with us?” She squirmed uncomfortably under Carol’s look of disdain.

Steve turned his attention to Renee. “Casey here was, uh, telling us about your work.”

Shit.

“We’ve heard great things,” Carol chipped in.

“Yeah,” added Tommy. “Sounds cool.”

Eddie’s arm made its way around the brunette’s waist, giving her a gentle but urgent squeeze.

Steve’s head nodded. “Yeah, and we’d just love to take a look, you know, as… connoisseurs of art.”

Renee snorted. “Wow, that’s a big fancy word for someone like you, Harrington. Has Nancy been smacking you around the head with a dictionary so hard that you somehow managed to develop a brain?”

“Guys, let’s just go. Please,” Eddie pleaded quietly.

“What’s the matter, freak? You got a problem with us talking to Jonathan? Getting jealous?” Tommy’s snicker earned a tsk and an eyeroll.

“Oh please. If any of the guys here are my type, it would be you, big boy.”

With everyone else distracted, Jonathan tried to push through the group to get to his car but got whipped around by Tommy swiping his camera bag from his shoulder. Renee felt like her heart was in her throat as she watched the interaction, not sure whether to try and wrestle it off him or not. He tossed the bag over to Steve when Jonathan tried to take it back, the latter beginning to shake.

“Man, he is totally trembling.” Steve’s voice grated on the brunette’s nerves. “He must really have something to hide.”

Renee moved away from Eddie and closer to Jonathan as the bully took the photos out of the bag. As they looked through each picture, she could feel the tension begin to bubble over and gently pushed her friend back a little bit, trying to silently communicate with him that he should leave before they tried to do anything to him.

“Come on, you’re being real fucking jerks. They’re not even his photos, they’re mine from when I went looking for Will last night. He was just developing them for me because I ran out of shit at home, so just give them back and fuck off already.” The lies always came easier when they were for her friends.

Steve gave her a sceptical look. “So, you’re just gonna lie to protect your stalker boyfriend? Real classy of you, Hopper. Didn’t think the chief’s daughter was such a criminal.”

“What’s going on?”

Nancy’s sudden appearance had Renee cringing. She was wondering when she was going to show up to protect her asshole of a boyfriend.

“It’s nothing that concerns you, Wheeler. Just Harrington being a royal jackass, as always.” Eddie’s reply went ignored as Carol chimed in.

“These creeps were spying on us last night.” She passed one of the photos to Nancy. “They were probably gonna save this one for later.”

She didn’t know what was in the photo, but from the looks on everyone’s faces Renee knew it couldn’t be good.

“See,” Steve started with a click of his tongue, “you can tell they know it was wrong, but… man, that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hardwired into them, you know, they just can’t help themselves.”

The brunette shoved Steve away from Jonathan when he tried to touch his clothes. In response, he just looked her dead in the eyes as he tore up the photos in his hands and threw the scraps at their faces.

“So, we’ll just have to take away their toy.”

“Just you fucking try it, Harrington. See what happens to pieces of shit like you.” She was standing inches away from him now, glaring up at him. He merely smiled at her as Casey handed him the camera and he held the camera out to Jonathan.

“Here you go man.”

After a moment of hesitation, the Byers boy moved forward to take the camera and watched in horror when Steve dropped it to the ground, smashing it. There was a brief moment of laughter until it turned into a loud crack and shouts of outrage as Harrington backed away with blood streaming from his nose.

Renee shook her now aching hand and Eddie immediately rushed over and began to make a fuss.

“Oh my god, you broke his nose you psycho!” Casey yelled, not that Renee particularly cared.

“He tried it, so I showed him what happens to pieces of shit that think it’s okay to destroy other people’s property. Maybe next time he’ll think twice before showing off in the hopes of getting some pussy.”

“Renee!” She would have laughed at both of her friends admonishing her in unison if her knuckles didn’t hurt like a bitch.

“Let’s just go, the game’s about to start.” Renee did laugh at Steve’s nasal voice due to him clutching at his nose in a desperate attempt to stop it pissing blood everywhere.

Steve and his friends finally left to return to the school building, Casey throwing the brunette a look that pretty much confirmed the end of their friendship. Nancy, however, stayed behind for a moment to pick up the remnants of the photos that were on the ground and Jonathan moved to help her.

“Jesus Christ, Ren. What’s your dad gonna say when he finds out you broke Harrington’s nose?” Eddie asked in a bemused tone as he tenderly traced his fingers over Renee’s bloodied knuckles.

“He’s not gonna find out because you’re not telling him. Besides, I’m sure he has bigger things to worry about right now than me getting into fights with bullies.”

#stranger things #eddie munson #eddie x oc #eddie x hopper!oc #slow burn #friends to lovers #fanfic #my fanfic #mine #my oc

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 3 years

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it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick.

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is.

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in!

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point.

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth.

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it?

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really.

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it.

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well.

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable.

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something.

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia.

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole.

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan. we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans. never change.

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents.

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it.

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

#titans #titans spoilers #meta #dick grayson #koriand'r #barbara gordon #garfield logan #conner kent #komand'r #jason todd #jonathan crane #a byronic cupcake #badass strawberry truffle #manic pixie pop tart #a tragic jalebi #this is a 3k+ MONSTER yikes

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femmeharringrove · 4 years

Text

Another summer, another fight. It scared them to find demogorgons roaming the forests of Hawkins again, the immediate concern being that another gate was open somewhere, but instead of a gate they found a nest; they'd been breeding in this dimension. There are unknowns here, of course. How long were they nesting? How many escaped the fight? How many escaped Hawkins before they even knew the nest was there?

But unknowns can wait. The battle is over, things are okay for now. Steve's destination isn't the Byers' home, not this time, but he's got a car full of chatty teenagers to drop off so he drives on autopilot. The kids won't make anything of his silence until much later, they hardly notice it now. But Steve can't talk, can hardly focus on anything but the eternal trip to the familiar home filled with warmth and relief and family, his family. The kids clamber out and Dustin hesitates, asks Steve if he's coming in.

He's not, he can't, but he smiles his most reassuring grin, runs a fond hand over the teen's curls, and promises to be inside in a minute. Dustin smiles back and nods before scampering inside. Steve watches with a sad sort of relief; his kids are safe, his loved ones are alive. Most of them are, anyway. They survive this time, and so he calls it a success.

Steve looks down at his bloodied jacket and groans softly. He's not making it this time, and he's okay with it.

The Beemer moves out of the driveway silently and he finds the strength to reach the quarry before the car turns off. He should go home, but his mother won't appreciate if he drips blood on her carpets. The quarry is his safe space, these trees know his secrets well. This is where he used to come with Billy long ago, when those ocean eyes and bright smile were still around. This is where their friendship blossomed over beer cans and rolled joints, where Billy trusted him with the truth about Neil and where Steve trusted him with his whole heart. They made love here, hidden away in their cars, they danced to old cassettes and talked about running away to California and making a life for themselves. This is where Steve came after Starcourt, face bruised and ribs broken and heart shattered. He grieved here, healed here, learned to move on here. It's almost fitting that he choose to die here, too. Bittersweet, he thinks.

He turns the car off and thinks about Dustin, about his kids. They'll be finishing high school soon. Dustin's already got an acceptance letter from some big tech school out in California, and Will's gotten a hefty scholarship to a New York arts school. Max is going to law school, she told him not very long ago, and he knows she's going to make one hell of a lawyer. Lucas and Mike are going to North Carolina, and El isn't quite ready to leave the nest yet, but when she does, when Hop lets her go, Steve knows she'll do something amazing. He wishes desperately he could be there to see it, but he's fading fast; the flow of blood from the gruesome series of bites along his torso is slow, but it's adding up. He hopes they don't grieve too hard, that they don't miss him too badly. Especially Dustin.

Dustin, his favorite child. His best friend. Claudia's told him several times even she saw him as an extension of their family, the older brother and mentor her Dusty always needed. The kid's loud, obnoxious at times, but Steve loves him fiercely and he hopes, really hopes that the kid knows that. He's got a letter in his desk for Henderson, for each of his kids, for everyone in his life, wrote them in an emotional haze after Starcourt nearly four years ago when he almost died in a Russian base. There's even a letter for Billy, a farewell to the love of his life. Steve hopes the kids get those letters so that they can at least have that closure, that form of goodbye. That's what those letters are, really. Three nights after the mall he wrote them just in case he died without the chance to say goodbye. Those letters hold everything he's ever wanted to say but never felt able to.

When they're found, Steve wonders what his parents will think. He wonders if his mother will cry, if his father will feel remorse for his absence. It hurts that he's dying without the chance to heal their broken relationship, and in his dark car he finds himself aching for his mother's hug, his father's hand stroking his hair. He wants to tell them that he loves them, in spite of everything. He wants to say sorry, he's sorry he wasn't the child they wanted him to be. But most of all, he just wants their company.

He knows Joyce will cry, thinks Hopper might too. Nancy and Robin are going to cry, there's no doubt in his mind. Steve hopes they don't feel guilt over this, that they don't blame themselves. Because it's not their fault, no matter what they may tell themselves. Robin's going to take this hard, he's abandoning his partner in crime. He hopes she finds another, that she gets to run off to Nashville and get her music gig going. He hopes she finds a girl who loves her goofy ways as much as he does. He hopes Nancy chases her dreams, that she catches them, that she and Jonathan live a happy life together. He hopes everyone lives a happy life after this. He hopes they move on.

"It's gonna take a while, Pretty Boy." Steve opens his eyes (when did he close them?) and slowly rolls his head to the side, stares at Billy in the passenger seat. Billy looks youthful and happy, his skin tanned and freckled and free of the Mind Flayer's scars. He's holding Steve's goodbye letter. Steve blinks once, twice, smiles faintly.

"I've missed you, dumbass," he grumbles, and Billy laughs easily. The sound is floaty and musical.

"Ditto, Stevie." He smiles fondly, and for a second Steve feels like they're teenagers again, sharing their affection in the safe confines of the quarry. Steve can forget the grave reality of the situation. He smiles back, reaches out to poke Billy's warm cheek, and slid his gaze lazily back out towards the lake.

"Is it scary?"

"Not really." Billy shakes his head. "Not when you know what's coming." Steve nods in acknowledgement.

"Can I do anything to stop it?" he asks. The blonde shakes his head again, his smile soft and sad.

"Nah. Sorry, Babydoll, but your time's running out." Steve takes a shuddering breath, nods again. Billy's hand seeks his out, squeezes gently. "Hey, look at me." He waits until Steve obliges, unfocused eyes settling on him. "You did good, Steve. You did real good."

"I don't want to leave them," he whispers, and he's starting to tear up now, the gravity of the situation setting in. "Who's gonna look after them, Bill? I can't - I can't just leave them." Billy leans in as Steve's voice wobbles, his calloused hand wiping the brunette's tears away while he hushes him softly.

"They're going to be okay," he soothes. "Trust me. You've done everything you can, you've done your job. You've been the best damn babysitter this world's ever seen." Billy's arms wrap around him comfortingly. "You've taken such good care of them, now it's time for you to rest." Steve sniffles as he leans into his boyfriend's arms, closing his eyes again.

"You think so?" he manages to ask.

"I know so." A hand runs gently over Steve's wild hair. "I worried about that too, was real worried about you and Max. But look at you." Billy shifts, tilts Steve's head and gets the dying man to look at him again. "You went off to police school or whatever they call it, you became a cop." And Steve had, he'd been a cop for two years. It was the right choice in his mind, even if his parents weren't keen on the idea. Hopper was proud of him, though, and everyone else supported him the whole way through. Judging from the look in Billy's eyes, the blonde is proud of him too. "You've helped those little shitbirds through high school, you've given Buckley a real friend, you've been there for Wheeler and her boy toy which is really impressive, sweetheart, because they drive me nuts." Steve snorts softly, a faint smile on his face, and Billy chuckles before pressing on. "You brought a little sunshine to everyone's life, Steve, and that's amazing. You've left your mark on them all forever. Those kids? They're never going to forget you. None of them will. And it won't be easy for them, losing you, but you moved on after me, didn't you? They're going to keep going. But I promise, they won't forget Steve Harrington." Billy's voice is so confident and soft, Steve can't help but believe him. He worries for his little family still, but he believes the other man. They're going to be okay, somehow. He doesn't have to worry anymore.

So instead, he presses closer to Billy, ignores the dull pain in his body, and smiles.

"Now what?" he asks. Billy hums low in his throat as he cards thick fingers through Steve's hair.

"Now, we move to California," he chuckles. "Right by the beach, baby. We'll watch the sum set over the ocean every night, adopt a couple of dogs or some shit. It'll be good." Steve hums softly.

"Sounds good," he agrees. He's silent for a little while after that. Steve's body feels numb, but that doesn't startle him. "Hey, Bill?"

"Yes, Bambi?"

"I thought you were supposed to feel cold when you die." Steve blinks hazy and slow, a soft smile on his face. "But I just feel really warm." Billy squeezes him gently.

"Warm is good, Pretty Boy," he murmurs. "It's over, Steve, close your eyes. You can rest now." The brunette nods, almost closes his eyes, but stops.

"You'll stay?" he asks.

"I'll stay," Billy promises. "Sleep, Sunshine. I'll be here when you wake up." Satisfied by that answer and too tired to keep his heavy eyelids open, Steve closes his eyes, smiles softly, and falls asleep.

It's Hopper who finds him just past dawn, after spending much of the night searching for the young cop. He has to sit down, can't move for a few minutes after the discovery. Dustin screams when they get to the hospital, crumples on the floor and begs Hopper to bring his best friend back. Max outright faints at the news and spends the day clinging to El, who can't stop crying longer than five minutes. Robin begs them to tell her it's a joke and rages for a few minutes before dissolving into tears herself. Steve's parents get the call in their Tokyo hotel room just before going out for the night; his mother trembles so hard she can't even try to stand. If his father feels anything at the news, he's good at hiding it. They come home to arrange the funeral and are faced with several teenagers waiting for them, Dustin yells at them until Hopper steps in. His mother looks at his lifeless face and whispers an apology he can't hear.

Steve Harrington is laid to rest next to his old high school rival, and an old nail-studded bat is left at the headstone. Nancy gives a tear-jerking eulogy at his funeral, and Dustin barely gets through a smaller speech about his big brother. Max writes a speech, but ultimately is only able to tell the small crowd that Steve was the brightest ray of sun in her darkest time. His parents allegedly were "too emotional" to speak about their son, and no one questions it. Joyce speaks, though, about this heartbreakingly sweet boy she came to love as her own, and Hopper says he would have been proud to have the kid as his son.

His letters are found and are handed out that night, and Max leaves his letter for Billy by the other's headstone unread. They all cry through the words scrawled out in that familiar handwriting, his assurances of love and pride for them all, and promises that they would get through this. Sitting at the quarry that same night, sharing laughter and tears and memories of the man, they decide that maybe, even if they can't see it now, Steve's right. They'll try and get through this. It's hard navigating a storm when the sun's been lost, but they're going to try.

#steebie writes #steve harrington #harringrove #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #i have finally decided this was good enough to post here we go

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willel · 4 years

Text

Where will El and Will Start

I’ve been accused of being biased towards Will and El. And you know what?

They’re totally absolutely right. But even with my huge bias, I am a reasonable person. There are few things I expect and don’t expect in the upcoming season and I wanted to discuss them.

First, I wanted to address what I expected of season 3 and what didn’t happen.

Season 3:

In season 3, I did not expect Will and El to be best buddies/soulmates. I expected them to be awkward. Why? Because I imagined they didn’t have a lot of contact outside of The Party AND I expected even when El was with everyone, there was little time for them to get to know each other one on one. This expectation was met not only with Will, but with Max. They were sorta friends/friendly, but hadn’t spent time alone together or gotten to know each other more than just the surface level. As we saw, El and Max just needed a moment to finally click with one another to make the friendship bloom.

In season 3, I expected to start seeing Will and El click. Not as Max and El did, a more complicated confusing kind of click. They’re the two of the party with supernatural inclinations. They have a weird connection that they nor the audience really understand. So, I expected as the supernatural stuff started unfolding, Will and El would be bouncing information off each other and sharing it with the group. This did happen.... once. The one conversation El and Will had this entire season was the one instance of what I expected to happen. In the end, I will say that expectation wasn’t met.

In season 3, by the end of the season, I expected Will and El to be more than timid friends. Not best friends like Max and El, but certainly more than... whatever season 3 was. So, that expectation wasn’t met either.

So one expectation met, two others weren’t. This leaves season 4 in a very awkward position.

Will and El are living as a family now. They’ve been living together for 3 months actually and now they’re moving away from all their friends somewhere else. This leaves me questioning how we will see Will and El in season 4.

One thing I didn’t want in season 3 and what I definitely don’t want in season 4 is Will and El ALREADY being best buddies. I want to see the journey. I want the friendship build up. I want to see how they come to trust one another, to see them openly speak about what happened in season 1 and season 2. I wanted to see Will tell El how thankful he was. Or if El expressed more guilt for opening the gate in the first place, for Will to reassure her it wasn’t her fault (she was still bothered by the ‘wound’ in season 2, as Kali harshly but correctly pointed out)

But you see, they’re living together now. If season 4 starts out with them still being at odds with one another, won’t that be weird? If a year or two passes by, am I really supposed to believe they’ve never worked things out and became closer? Neither Will or El are petty enough to just ignore each other for an entire year.

So, let’s discuss my expectations of season 4 now

Season 4:

I expect Will and El to still be awkward friends. They don’t ignore each other. They have chit chat about mundane things as friends do. If El still isn’t in school, Will sometimes shares his homework or schools book with her so that she’s still being educated in something. A positive but surface level relationship.

I expect at the beginning of the season, Will does not confide anything personal to El and vice versa. Will is already hesitant to share his true feelings with his mother and Jonathan, I’m willing to bet he never tells El anything about his personal feelings and El doesn’t share hers either. it’s not because they dislike each other, it’s simply they haven’t moved past the point of being acquaintances even while living in the same house for a year. They’re just roommates, nothing more. El would sooner call Mike and Max and discuss her feelings than walk to Will’s room who’s right across the hall.

I expect by the end of season 4, the previous expectation will be flipped totally on its head and Will and El will become more like siblings for real and not just awkward roommates. How this will happen, I am not sure. But I feel as though El will be the one to make it happen. Will has a history of bottling things up until it’s at a breaking point, whether it’s his personal issues or supernatural issues. Jonathan is the one that usually breaks through Will’s personal issues before they blow up (”Being a freak is awesome.”). I think, El will become the one that can break through Will’s supernatural issues before they become a problem.

Ok, so those are my 3 big expectations for Will and El in season 4. I want to discuss the final point a little more.

To put it simply, both Will and El are alarm bells that work slightly differently. Unlike Will, El can’t exactly sense something bad is happening. Usually, she discovers something is wrong by accident. In season 2 episode 7, she went to find Mike and Hopper right as the Mind Flayer was wrecking the lab. It was a coincidence that she buzzed in at the right time. In season 3, it was a coincidence that she buzzed in right as the Mind Flayer was possessing Heather.

In Will’s case, if something bad is happening around him, his body immediately alerts him to the danger whether he knows what’s going on or not. In season 2, his mind flickered into the Upside Down, warning him of the approaching storm (the Mind Flayer) plus the prickling on his skin from the Mind Flayer’s presence. In season 3, the prickling sensation continued as the Mind Flayer was acting up again.

So, let’s say there’s a scenario where Will is getting bad feelings again, but ignores it. If El happened to stumble into something odd, and needed to confirm it, Will is her guy. Like Jonathan is able to call bullshit on Will (pretending he likes sports for Lonnie or trying to burry his outcast feelings like nothing is wrong), I think El will be able to as well, but for supernatural stuff.

After all, that’s what friends/family do. They don’t let you lie to yourself, right?

I think to fulfill my expectation that Will and El will become more like siblings instead of awkward friends, a wall needs to be broken between them. I think El will take the hammer to this wall via supernatural bad stuff happening and needing Will to open up to her about it. Pretending it’s not happening doesn’t stop it from happening. El is the superhero from all those comics he likes reading, I think he’ll see that and make a change in himself to stand up to his fears. (and maybe in doing so, somehow helping her regain her powers too. In a ‘maybe if you do this your powers will come back?’ kind of experimentation)

#headcanon #theory #stranger things

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thecreelhouse · 4 years

Text

Kill the Lights // Chapter 5

Steve Harrington x Original Female Character

Summary: After Violet- formally 003, a telekinetic, electrokenetic, and clairvoyant 19 year old- loses her first family, her first love, nothing is the same. She finds herself taken in by Hopper and El, struggling to find her footing and meaning to keep fighting. The Party, especially Steve Harrington, try to show her where her strengths have been hiding all along, and that no one has to fight their battles alone. Sometimes you don’t need to be rescued, but someone’s love and support while you rescue yourself sure doesn’t hurt.

Word count: 6,108 words- I can’t be bothered to break somewhere in the middle of this and turn it into two chapters. :-)

Content warnings: PTSD, mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide, underage drinking/partying, grieving, loooooots of angst and depression (I’m so sorry lmao)

Author’s note: hi :-) I was gonna upload this last night, but kinda got caught up in a true crime documentary on Netflix. Whoops. Anyway! This is long. I don’t feel like trying to find a break to split it into two chapters again- mainly because it doesn’t feel right splitting it apart anywhere. It’s messy, like Violet as she’s going through every shitty thing possible, but I swear happier moments are on the way for her!! Don’t be afraid to leave feedback if you read this :’) and thank you as always again to anyone who has been reading this. okay!! Enjoy y’all!!

———

Chapter 5: Headcase

The beginning of June 1985 held the end of school, the start of summer, and a whole whirlwind of emotions.

Violet was doing better, for the most part, but still had her bad days. Those days, she kept to herself, she didn’t tell El or Steve or any of the few she trusted. She hid in her pain, usually in reckless behaviors like chain smoking or self injuring it all away. On the worst nights, now harder to come by but still existent, she did it all, and still wanted more.

Tonight was one of those nights that held all and beyond. She felt numb, so she hurt herself, cutting where no one could see at first glance. She let the wounds linger longer than usual before healing them, embracing the sting they left.

It still wasn’t enough, so she finished a pack in half a day. Her throat felt like broken glass was stuck inside, but it didn’t phase her.

It wasn’t until Steve called to remind her there was a party the newly graduated senior class was having at someone’s house. He asked her earlier that week if she wanted to go, to get out for a little and be around people their age for once. She said she’d think about it, anxious to be around so many people she didn’t know. Days had passed and she forgot about it as her mind floated elsewhere. So when Steve asked what she decided on, she immediately said yes.

Parties meant alcohol, and alcohol meant another way to numb the growing guilt she had deep down. It came in waves. She tried so hard to appreciate her life, but the guilt of being alive while Amy was gone because she knew too much, she helped Violet have a better life, that gave her so much guilt that only continued to eat away at her conscious.

Steve was surprised and a little suspicious when she agreed, but told her she’d pick her up around 7 anyway.

Violet used the little bit of energy she had into putting together her look for the night. Combat boots, black leather mini skirt, Bowie shirt, and her favorite denim jacket. Makeup darker than usual; a dark lip and smokey eye pulling the whole look together. She tucked a bit of her messy black bob behind her one ear as she glanced in the mirror.

The most effort I’ve put into my appearance in months, and it’s just to drink my problems away. What a wreck. She thought to herself.

Her scars peeked out of the skirt just a bit, but she figured everyone would be too drunk to notice anyway. Violet tugged it down a bit as a precaution, exiting out the bedroom door.

“Whoa.... Bitchin.” El said, admiring her sister’s outfit.

“Uh... maybe you shouldn’t go out in that, Vi.” Hopper said, hesitant to parent her.

“Why not? It’s hot out, it’s either the skirt, or shorts.”

“Because boys can be stupid and do stupid shit, and I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“And that would be their fault for having no self control, not me and my outfit choices.” Violet huffed, crossing her arms. “Besides, I’ll be with Steve the whole time, he won’t let anything bad happen to me.”

Hopper groaned in annoyance. “Y’know, I’m happy for you that you’ve become friends with someone your age, but don’t get too close to that Harrington kid.”

“What? Why not? We’re not gonna do anything funny. We’re just friends, Hop.” Violet rolled her eyes. “He’s a good guy, he’s my friend.”

“Alright, alright. Just want you girls to be careful always, that’s all. I know he’s a good kid, I just want you to be safe with whoever you hang out with.” He sighed. Violet’s face softened when she realised he really did mean well. Just wasn’t the best choice of words.

Violet went to speak again, but there was a knock at the door that grabbed her attention. She rushed over to it before Hopper could answer it, and opened the door to see Steve on the other side. Her breath hitched in her throat at the sight of him. He always looked nice, but there was something about him tonight that made him look even nicer.

“Pretty.” Violet whispered, a phrase she picked up from El. It caused a blush to rise in his face.

“Y-you too, Vi.” He stuttered out. Hopper stood back, eyes rolling at the cheesiness.

“Be safe, no drugs, no illegal shit, got it?” Hopper spoke up, and Violet casually nodded, bounding down the stairs towards Steve’s car. Steve went to follow her, but Hopper stopped him, holding him by the shoulder. Steve turned to Hopper, and gulped out of fear he did something wrong to upset Violet’s fatherly figure.

“Hey, just...” Hopper’s voice dropped down to a whisper, “just keep an eye on her, alright? She’s been off today. Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid, Harrington. I’m only okay with her going out because she’s kept to herself today.”

“Uh- yeah, yeah of course, Chief, you got it.” Steve answered. Hopper let go of his shoulder and Steve took that as the go-ahead to walk back to his car.

As Steve pulled out of the woods, Violet kept glancing at him suspiciously.

“What did Hopper want?” She finally asked, slight edge to her tone. She sensed what happened, but respected the rule between her and Steve, and gave his mind privacy.

“Uh, nothin’. Just being a dad, warning us to not be stupid kids.” He nervously laughed, and it wasn’t a total lie. He just didn’t mention it was directed at Violet specifically.

Violet nodded, but she knew he was hiding something. Even without reading him directly, the nervous energy radiating off him was so loud and bold, she couldn’t miss it if she tried, but let the feeling go. She had higher priorities, selfish priorities, but she needed an escape from her head for just a little while.

The house was overflowing with kids from Hawkins High, roaming around the front lawn, hanging off the porch, hollering out windows, and Violet could only imagine how much more chaotic it was inside.

Chaotic was an understatement. The floor, if seen at all, was a total wreck, littered with red solo cups and empty bottles already. Little space was found between bodies dancing in the next room over. The stairway seemed to be a make out spot for the shameless. She didn’t know what to expect, never attending a high school party before this, but this was overwhelming to whatever she assumed.

“You okay?” Steve grabbed her arm gently and asked. Violet nodded.

“Just a lot going on... a lot of people.”

“It’s easier when you’ve had a few drinks. C’mon, let’s grab something.” He said, leading her down the hall to the kitchen. More cups and bottles and punch bowls mixed with god knows what were crowding the island countertop.

Hesitant, Violet hung back, not sure what to grab first. Steve noticed, and grabbed them both cups filled with the mysterious blue punch. At least it was a pretty color.

Steve handed Violet her cup, then held his out to cheers with hers, “Here’s to.... ?”

“Hm...” Violet pondered before it hit her. “Amy always said ‘all good things come to an end, to make room for new beginnings.’”

“To new beginnings, then!” He said, bumping his cup against hers. She smiled, feeling a little more at ease, before placing her cup to her mouth and chugging more than she should.

“To new beginnings.” She repeated, already feeling the warmth of the alcohol.

No one ever told her how rocky the new beginnings always seemed to be, though.

———

“Maybe she went outside for fresh air?” Nancy said, trailing behind a worried Steve. He frantically searched high and low for Violet, but she was nowhere to be found.

“I checked outside already.” Steve snapped, feeling upset that he couldn’t find Violet.

“What about the bathroom?” Jonathan suggested. Steve shook his head wildly, slowly sobering up as panic set in as he realized the severity of the situation.

“No, no! Guys! You’re not helping!”

“Steve, we’re trying to!” Nancy snapped back.

Steve sighed, leaning against the hallway wall, and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry, guys. You’re really trying to help, you’re right. I just feel so much pressure because I promised Hopper she wouldn’t do anything stupid tonight. She hasn’t been doing well today, and he was worried, and I fucking lost her.” He word vomited in a panic. “I don’t know where else to look. I checked everywhere except...”

“Except..?” Jonathan repeated. Steve’s head snapped up.

“I didn’t check any of the rooms. Like the bedrooms upstairs. I didn’t think she’d go up with anyone.”

“Well, it’s worth checking, right?” Nancy asked. Steve nodded, headed for the stairs.

“I’ll go up and check and meet you guys back down here, alright?”

“Sure thing, we’ll keep our eyes peeled down this way.” Jonathan reassured him. Steve climbed the stairs, two at a time, while weaving in and out of drunk couples hanging about on the stairs.

He walked around upstairs, seeing most rooms were surprisingly empty with open doors. It wasn’t until he reached one with a closed door, that he knocked. Nothing. He couldn’t hear well over the loud music downstairs, though, and figured it couldn’t hurt checking anyway.

Steve opened the door to find this bedroom empty too. His eyes darted around the dark room, just to make sure he didn’t miss any sign of Violet, before a muffled noise echoed from the walk-in closet in the room, door open ajar. Not enough to see who was inside, though.

He tried to quiet his breathing to get a better listen, and only heard heavy breathing in return. He froze, staring at the door, and heard soft moans this time. His face heated up as soon as he recognized who the noises belonged to, no mistaking who’s voice it was.

Steve didn’t know what to do. Did he interrupt whatever the hell Violet was doing with whoever the hell else was in there with her? Or did he let it go, wait outside the door before she got away again and just ignore it?

His thoughts were racing, but more noises drowned them out, this time from another girl. A flash of jealousy overcame him, just for a second, though. Why did he feel that? They’re just friends, why does he care who she hooks up with?

Suddenly, all noises stopped, and the door slid open just enough that he made eye contact with Violet, pushed against the wall by the other stranger. The other girl seemed unaware of what was going on, and continued kissing Violet’s neck, causing Violet’s eyes to roll back and eyelids flutter shut in bliss.

Steve felt frozen, he knew he shouldn’t be here, but he couldn’t just leave Violet unattended. He promised Hopper he’d look out for her, though he definitely didn’t think it’d end up like this.

Violet’s eyes opened once more, and she finally spoke up, speech slurred, “Take a number and get in line, Harrington.”

Steve choked on air and tried clearing his throat, backing away from the closet door.

Violet gently pushed away from the girl, “Honey, this was fun, but I gotta go.” The mysterious stranger yelped in embarrassment, and buried her head into one of the coats hanging nearby, probably trying to hide from Steve standing outside. Maybe the girl wasn’t out yet. Even if she was, no one flaunted it around Hawkins. It wasn’t welcomed by most of the close minded town.

Violet pushed her way out of the closet, glaring at Steve, before she stormed out the room and down the stairs. It took him a second before realizing to follow after her, and he caught sight of her just leaving out the front door before he began to run after her.

Violet stomped down the sidewalk and began walking away from the house.

“Vi! Where are you going?!”

“Home! Now that my night was ruined!” She yelled back to him, refusing to actually turn and face him.

Steve sped up, finally catching up to Violet and running in front of her, stopping her dead in her tracks. He came dangerously close to her, like that day the tension built on the porch. Violet gulped, but tried her hardest to stand her ground with any tough exterior she had left.

“What the fuck are you doing, Vi?” Steve breathed out, trying to catch his breath. Violet crossed her arms, huffing and looking down at the sidewalk. “You’re terrified of strangers, understandably so. Then I lose you, and find you finally but you’re hooking up with some random girl? What is going on?”

Violet’s eyes rimmed with tears, ready to break the dam. She refused to look up at Steve.

“What’s it your business, Harrington? I just wanted to enjoy myself tonight. Am I not allowed to do that?” Her voice shook, but with anger or sadness she wasn’t sure.

“No, Vi, you’re your own person, I’m just looking out for you.” Steve said with concern.

Hopper told me to keep my eye out for you and keep you safe, and I couldn’t even do that right. Steve thought to himself. It wasn’t until Violet’s eyes widened and finally connected to his, that he realized she read his thoughts.

“You said you’d never do that without asking.” He whispered.

“I’m drunk and upset and can’t think clearly, so sorry you have the loudest thoughts I’ve ever heard!” She yelled, glad no one was around where they stood. The argument out of context had to sound insane.

“Fine, fine. Hopper asked me to look out for you, okay? I’m sorry, what should I have said to him? ‘Sorry, I don’t want to, Vi’s a big girl and can handle anything herself.’? Because yeah, you can, but tell me how the hell he’d handle me telling him what to do about his kid.”

“No! Just... what the fuck, Steve! I was being safe.” She yelled back, throwing her arms up in the air. “And I’m not his fucking kid. I’m just some fucked up experiment he was so unlucky to stumble upon and tried helping. That’s not the same.”

“You didn’t know that girl until tonight.” He spat back, ignoring her last statement about Hopper. That was an argument for another day.

“What does it fucking matter? We were fine until you showed up and decided to peep!”

“I wasn’t- that’s not what I was doing and you fucking know that! I’m just trying to look out for you, Vi, please.” Steve’s voice cracked as he held back his own set of tears. Violet couldn’t hold it anymore either, and the tears began to overflow.

“I don’t know why you’re worried or jealous.” She cried softly, exhausted, and still drunk. It didn’t tone down her usual bluntness. “It was just a meaningless fuck, okay? And it didn’t even get far! God. You and I just met like... a month ago. Why are you so concerned?”

“Please, Vi, I don’t wanna talk about that... I don’t know... okay? I’m mostly just worried, because I care. I’m trying to be here for you. I’m sorry I interrupted whatever was going on in there. I swear I didn’t mean it. I flew into a panic when I couldn’t find you, I was scared something happened to you.” He sniffled, trying his hardest not to cry more, seeing how much she was crying.

“You don’t have to be my knight in shining armor, y’know. I don’t need to be saved.” She mumbled.

“I promise this isn’t like that. You can save yourself, you have before. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to stand by your side and support you. I care because that’s what friends do. I just want you to be okay because you deserve a fair shot at life.” He shook his head. Violet sensed he was being honest. She nodded, feeling silly for even saying that. For once, she was proven wrong. For once, a guy wasn’t trying to earn a medal for doing the right thing. Steve just really, genuinely cared.

“Can I...” He hesitated, but Violet knew what he was asking.

“Please.” She spoke, too quickly.

Steve held his arms open tiredly, and immediately she collapsed into them, wrapping her arms around his waist as she cried harder into his shirt.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Vi.”

“I’m such a mess today. I missed her so much. I’m lonely and scared and either feel anger or numbness or sadness. I was trying to fill whatever the fuck this void is. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I just wanted to forget about this whole thing for one night.”

“I know, Vi. I’m sorry you feel this pain. I’d do anything to help ease it from your heart if I could.”

Violet hugged him tighter, realizing this was the first time they really had physical contact. Their fingers have brushed against one another’s before, and they held hands that one time in his car, but this felt different. Violet couldn’t place her finger on what it felt like, though.

“Let me take you back home, you should probably sleep.” He said as his head rested on top of hers. Violet pulled away, shaking her head.

“Don’t, I don’t want Hopper and El to see me like this, please.” She pleaded, feeling so small, almost childlike.

“Okay, okay, that’s okay. We don’t have to.” He reassured her. “We can go back to my house, if that’s better?”

“What about your parents? Won’t they be upset you’re bringing some girl dressed like this and crying home with you?” She bitterly laughed.

“They’re not home, they never fucking are.” He said, his voice also laced with bitterness. “It’s good for times like this, though. No one will bother you.”

Violet nodded, just wanting somewhere to sleep for the night without intrusive and overbearing questions about her night.

“Yeah. Please. Let’s just go.” She said, sniffling. Her body felt so heavy out of exhaustion from drinking and crying. Steve began leading her back to the car, holding her up when she stumbled a few times, still feeling the effects of the alcohol.

“How much did you drink?” She asked him as he opened the passenger door for her. She slowly climbed in, trying to avoid possible injury.

“Only that one drink. Panicking about losing you earlier sobered me up pretty quick before I had a chance to drink anymore.” He said, helping her buckle in when her hands kept fumbling with the belt and losing grip of it. “You?”

“You’re gonna laugh at me.” She giggled to herself. “I only had two cups of that punch.”

“Only two? And you’re this shitfaced?” Steve asked, laughing at how much of a lightweight his new friend was. She laughed more with him.

“I know, isn’t that so pathetic?” She mocked herself. Steve double checked that she was safely inside the car before firmly shutting the door. He walked to the driver side, got in, and started up the car.

“It just means you save more on alcohol. You’re the real winner here.” He joked.

“Sure don’t feel like a fuckin’ winner.” Violet mumbled as Steve began to drive off.

Her head lulled to the side, falling onto his arm that rested on the middle console.

“Don’t fall asleep yet, we’re a few minutes away. As soon as we get inside, you can take my bed, okay?” Steve said, gently shrugging her off his arm. Violet pouted at the loss of contact.

“Where are you gonna sleep?”

“I can take the floor, or the couch downstairs if you want space.”

“No!”

“No?”

“Ugh.” Violet sighed, feeling pathetic and needy. “Stay in the room, I don’t wanna be alone.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

He pulled into his driveway moments later, and helped Violet out of the car and to the door. She leaned on him, ready to fall asleep standing up, as he fumbled with his keys to unlock the door.

“C’mon, let’s find you some pajamas to wear tonight.” He said softly to her as he lead her up the stairs and into his room. She flopped onto the bed as soon as he let go, and he sighed.

“Vi, you gotta get changed, that outfit can’t be comfy to sleep in.”

“I don’t wanna move”, she mumbled, her face down in a pillow.

“C’mere,” he spoke softly, like talking to a child. She hated how small she felt when things got rough. There were only a few times she felt helpless like this, and it was only more recently than ever, after losing Amy.

She couldn’t lie about how his care was comforting to her, though. Steve pulled her up gently, handing her an oversized shirt and sweats to change into, before grabbing clothes of his own.

“I’m gonna change quick in the bathroom, I’ll be right back, okay?”

Violet nodded sleepily, before slowly figuring out what layer of clothing to remove first. Steve exited quickly, not wanting to invade her privacy, and headed to change in the bathroom. A few minutes passed, and he knocked on the bedroom door.

“I’m good!” She tiredly exclaimed. Steve opened the door to find Violet wandering his room, looking at photos on the walls, wearing just the giant shirt he gave her. The sweatpants laid untouched on the bed still.

“Uh, Vi?” She turned to him while he looked away. “Maybe you should put your pants on too?”

She shook her head, “This covers me just fine! And it’s still hot out. As long as you’re not uncomfortable by that?”

“Um... yeah th-that’s fine.” He stuttered, looking anywhere but her. To be fair, it did cover a lot. Probably more than her skirt did earlier tonight. The thought of Violet wearing his clothes along with her being in his room definitely heightened those stupid teenage feelings, though.

“Can I show you a secret?” She asked as he began to put together a makeshift bed on the floor for himself. He looked up at her. “Promise me you won’t be mad.”

“I’m not gonna lie, that kinda scares me. Are you alright?” He asked, getting up from the floor and walking over to her. She shrugged slowly lifting the end of the shirt, and immediately Steve tensed up.

“No, silly, get your head outta the gutter.” She mumbled, sensing the tension and his thoughts.

“I- I’m not, I just, what are you even trying to do here?”

She only lifted the shirt a tiny bit more, revealing the top of her one thigh. Scattered along it like confetti, lay many scars. Steve felt his heart drop.

“Vi, what are these?”

“Scars.”

“No, I know that, but from what?”

“Me.” She whispered. “Nobody knows I do it. I’m surprised you guys didn’t find them on me the night at the quarry.”

“Are they... they older?” He asked, but he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

“You’re a smart boy, Steve, what do you think?”

“But... why?”

“It’s the only thing I have control over. Sometimes it helps me feel something when I feel nothing at all. I don’t want to be this person anymore.” She whispered and dropped the shirt as she looked down. Steve immediately wrapped his arms around her, hugging her. She didn’t mind that it happened so quickly this time.

“I told you, I’m a fucking mess.” She whispered, crying onto his chest. “I have this power to heal and can’t even use it positively. I don’t know how to stop. It’s always this or some other destructive behavior. I don’t know how to exist without keeping myself in line with pain. That’s so fucked up. What the fuck is my problem?”

Steve wasn’t sure how to respond to Violet. He never saw this happen to any of his friends firsthand, not like this, at least.

“I can’t be a burden to you, I can’t be a burden to El and Hop... I’ve been bottling it up, and that’s not healthy either... but I can’t just dump this on you all; you may be close to me but you’re not professionals. That’s not fair to you. And if I go to a professional I guarantee they’d take me away forever. Who the fuck is gonna believe me? They’d instantly think I’m insane if I told them even a sliver of information about the lab.” She continued to sob. Steve just held her tighter, not too tightly, not where she was uncomfortable, but enough to make sure the message got across that she wasn’t alone.

“C’mere, Vi. You should at least sit down.” He lead her back over to his bed, feeling her shake as she cried. She sat, dragged him down next to her, still clutched onto him. He gently played with her hair, trying his best to soothe her in any way he could. It killed him inside to not know what to say or do to help her right now. Since he’s changed, he’s become a fixer and a shoulder to cry on for his friends. He sure as hell had a rough time helping himself, but he felt more useful if he could at least help others.

Right now, Steve wasn’t sure if he was useful to Violet at all, but he had to try.

“You’re not a burden, not in the slightest. And who isn’t a mess? Not sure you can trust people who don’t have baggage, right? It’s just proof you can handle what life throws at you next.” He tried reassuring her, still holding her. Her sobs began to slow and quiet down, becoming more gentle and sporadic. Steve was relieved to hear she was starting to calm down.

“Can we sleep?” She spoke between tiny sobs. “I’m so tired and I’m still fucking drunk. How do you guys drink like it’s nothing?”

Steve pulled away just a little, smiling down at her. “Listen, we’re all lightweights in the beginning.”

Violet grunted as she flopped back onto the bed, laying for a second before she flipped and crawled over to the other side. She dove under the covers, and felt the weight of the bed lighten on the other edge. She turned to face where Steve sat just a moment before, then looked up to where he stood.

“Try to get some rest, okay? I’ll be right over here if you need me for anything.” Steve said, and turned to his pile of blankets and pillows on the floor. Violet quickly sat back up, reaching for his wrist and grabbed it.

“Can you stay?”

“Are you sure? I’m not too far away if I’m on the floor.”

“Please.” Violet’s voice came out small again. Steve nodded and crawled under the covers next to her. Violet moved her hand to grab his, her eyes shut quickly.

Thank you, Steve.”

Her breath instantly fell into a soft and steady rhythm, already asleep. Steve’s thumb gently traced over the 003 tattoo and the scar that ran through it. He sighed, only being able to just imagine the pain she felt every day for her past. What mattered was that she was here now, safe and sound. He’d do anything to make sure it stayed that way.

Steve gently squeezed her hand before he fell asleep too.

So maybe, just maybe, Violet really didn’t need a knight in shining armor. She saved herself countless times, and could again and again and again. She was a strong, brave girl, who could do practically anything on her own.

Maybe, though, she was just drained. She just wanted to be at ease again. Wanted to live without the guilt and pain that followed her so heavily like a shadow each day.

She didn’t want to be helped for someone else’s benefit, and for the first time in a long time, Steve helping her through this darkness felt genuine. Her new family, too. They had genuine intentions. Good, kindhearted intentions.

She didn’t have to keep fighting this alone. Maybe she was allowed to heal emotionally, too.

———

Sunlight pried Violet’s eyes open the next morning. She groaned in annoyance while she dragged the covers over her face. She clamped her eyes shut and flipped over in bed before she dozed back off. A warm, comforting feeling wound its way around her torso, and sleepily she cozied up closer in it.

Wait, what is that? She thought, and jolted upright.

“What’s goin’ on? Where’s the fire?” Steve mumbled, still half asleep.

“Jesus Christ.” Violet exhaled, slightly relieved to see her friend’s face but still confused as to why she was even sleeping next to him in the first place.

Steve sat up, rubbed his eyes, then looked over at Violet. “You don’t remember what happened, do you?”

Violet shook her head and bit her lip, frustrated that everything from last night felt so hazy. Steve’s gaze flickered down to her lips and quickly looked away to ignore how cute she looked.

“You got drunk off only two cups of that punch, wandered off, I found you while you hooked up with some girl, we fought, you didn’t want to go home in the state you were in, so I brought you back here instead.” He rambled off, still trying to shake the sleepiness.

“Shit.” Violet said, squeezing her eyes shut. Now it made sense. That was enough to trigger the entire night’s memories to flood back her way. “You saw so much. I said so much-“

“Vi, it’s okay. It was okay last night, it’s still okay now.” Steve said, reaching over to hold her hand. He hesitated before she opened her palm; a sign that she was okay with being touched. Though the last few times they had physical contact, she was bold and immediate in her actions.

All she could do was nod. Her head still hurt from the night before, though now she was certain it was from all of the crying. She remembered that he saw her scars, she told him everything. She opened up about how rotten she felt that whole day, how she tried to fill the void that missing Amy brought with drinking and a one night stand. She read his thoughts without asking, she yelled at him, she said and did so goddamn much.

Yet here he was. Here he still was. Steve didn’t run off like she expected him to, like she’d expect anyone to after getting to know her past the surface.

Violet slid back down in the covers, partly trying to hide her embarrassment, but also she was still so drained. She just wanted to sleep more.

“Your parents are still gone right?”

“Yeah, they’re gone for pretty much the whole month.” He said, fidgeting with a loose string coming off the comforter. “Why?”

Violet sighed. “Is it okay if I stay a little longer? I’m so fucking tired, my head hurts, and I can just tell it’s... it’s gonna be one of those harder days.” It felt surreal to voice these feelings outside of her body. Talking about it in the moment was brand new for her, but it was a step in the right direction to healing.

“Yeah, Vi, of course.” He nodded and got up to shut the curtains. “Stay as long as you want, okay? Do you want space or...”

“I don’t know honestly... I... no...? I don’t think I do.” Violet wasn’t used to someone asking that either.

“I’m just gonna go downstairs and grab some water and painkillers for your headache, okay?” He started to walk to the door, then turned back to her before opening it. “Hey Violet?”

“Hm?”

A beat passed before he took a deep breath in, “I’m really glad you’re okay.” He slipped out the door before she could even respond.

Violet’s face grew a tiny smile as she slid back under the covers. Despite all the shitty feelings she felt in the last 24 hours, she sure was glad she was okay overall too.

Her mind wandered back to the previous night’s events, but couldn’t seem to remember who the girl she hooked up with was, and she felt a bit bad for just leaving her so suddenly last night. Not like it was meant to be serious; random hookups were just a thing average teens at parties did.

That wasn’t what she did though, no judgement to anyone who did enjoy consensual one night stands, of course. But Steve was right in their argument last night, she was terrified of strangers. Why the hell did she even try to mute her pain of missing Amy with someone else?

Unless-

“Oh no.” She groaned out loud, slamming a pillow over her face. She would do stupid stuff to forget the pain of losing her first love to wrongful death, sure. But even a hookup seemed far. She knew there was something else, and it hit her right there. It wasn’t just one thing she was trying to shove out of her mind, for once.

Violet’s mind instantly replayed the part of the fight where she read Steve’s thoughts, where she discovered he was checking up on her because Hopper asked him to, but also that he felt jealous and sad when he found her with someone else.

“Please, Vi, I don’t wanna talk about that... I don’t know... okay?”

Steve did know what his feelings were for, and Violet knew that he knew, and Violet knew why else she tried to just forget anything going on in her mind with a stranger-

She was starting to have feelings for Steve.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” she muffled into the pillow still on her face.

“I mean, yeah, you are, if you’re gonna keep that pillow on your face you’ll suffocate.” Steve’s voice startled Violet, and she threw the pillow off her face, almost hitting Steve with it. “I’d take that as the start of a pillow fight, but I know damn well you are not feeling well enough for that.”

“Can’t die by my own hand, remember?” Violet chuckled with an eye roll as she looked up at him. He shook his head smiling, and handed her a glass of water and two Tylenol. “Thanks.”

“No problem. So... care to tell me why you think you’re a fucking idiot? Your words, not mine.” He said as he sat back down next to her. “Some of us don’t have the badass ability to read minds, y’know.”

“You wouldn’t want it. It just gets me in trouble.” She groaned and rolled her eyes again before taking the pills and washing them down with water. “And I don’t wanna talk about it. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s got you worked up like this.”

Goddammit, why is he always trying to say stuff like this to her. Always trying to justify her feelings, like she’s entitled to her emotions or some shit. It made her heart soft, and that made her panic.

“It’s fine, really. I think I’m just overthinking everything like I usually do on bad days like this. I’m just gonna try to go back to sleep, okay?” She said, trying to avoid further questions. Steve shot her a look, still suspicious and not buying what she said for a second, but he let it go.

“Yeah, no worries.”

“Are you tired?”

“Not really, but I can stay if you want.” He said softly to her.

Violet nodded and laid back down. Steve laid next to her. They faced each other, at first just a few inches apart. It was silent enough to hear their breaths and rapid heartbeats.

“Do you mind if I try something?” She asked, voice barely past a whisper.

“What is it?”

Violet mirrored his earlier sleep position that startled her in the first place. Her arms wrapped around his torso as she pulled herself closer to him. Steve’s breath stopped short, definitely not expecting her to do that.

“Is this okay?” She asked.

He nodded quickly, a little too quickly for his liking. His arms embraced her body in return, pulling her even closer, as if it was even possible. They were tangled up in one another, and it soothed Violet.

“Sleep well, Vi.” He whispered. Her soft snores followed shortly after, and he felt himself fall back asleep with her

#stranger things fanfiction #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington x ofc #steve harrington x oc #stranger things x reader #stranger things x oc #stranger things fic #steve harrington x you #steve harrington x reader #kill the lights

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fbdo1986 · 5 years

Text

the right time - elmax

- a/n: A fic that was intended to be somewhat angsty of after El moves, in which she wants to call Max but struggles to build up the courage to do so after analyzing her feelings for her/the situation.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,879-

El was in a moving truck, hot tears fresh on her face, sitting across from Joyce. Moving to somewhere she’d never been. Hopper was gone. Her only home, Hawkins, no longer an option. She’d left her friends in a tearful goodbye, a squeeze of the tightest hug couldn’t even begin to be enough. She wasn’t sure she knew how to fight loneliness anymore. She’d only spent three years now away from living in a cold lab, with no love, affection, or caring attention, but that warm break—of a home, friends, a father—was too beautiful to leave behind.

“We’re home.”

They weren’t home. Just at an empty house. But she didn’t blame Joyce for that. She couldn’t be any further from home, unsure even of the state they were in. It didn’t matter. She could’ve made the Byerses house home, definitely. But not... this. A place that looked like it had never been lived in before, never worn in, never loved. It was never a home. But she gave a soft smile to Joyce, fighting tears again, and surrendered. Aside from this little bubble of Byerses, no one she cared about was here. But hell, she had stuff in the truck that had to go somewhere.

Jonathan helped her lift the boxes, and she chose an empty room to place them. A bedroom, hers, she supposed. She began to unpack, wanting nothing more than to go back home to the cabin and hide under blankets, like she did when Max would show her scary movies.

Max. Aside from Joyce, Max felt like the only thing that could ground her right now. And she wasn’t here. The girl she so desperately longed for, her best friend. The girl who made everything feel alright, who made sunshine appear from nowhere. Who felt like the softest blankets warm out of the dryer. Max was her comfort, her rock, her anchor. Leaving her behind, her gentle, loving touch. That too tight but still not tight enough hug that morning she left, that goodbye. G-d, she already missed it. Max made her feel like no one else did, like her insides were all fuzzy, but jumbled up. But it was a good sort of jumble, a happy dizzy, like after you’ve jumped too much on a trampoline. She didn’t know how to explain it, but she could melt into the way Max held her hand or grazed her arm, body always full of warmth, easier than anything. Looking into her eyes, so wide and blue, the way her nose crinkled when she smiled and her freckles on the bridge moved with it, there was nothing more compelling. The only thing she ached for at that moment was for Max’s arms around her. It didn’t happen often, not by any means, but if one of the two needed the touch, the comfort, she would be held by the other. The world felt safe when Max touched her. Like nothing could hurt her, or even attempt to reach her. Max, in her own way, was home.

Love? She wondered curiously one night, Max next to her in bed as she slept over. Why yes, it must’ve been. But there was that person people said... thought, she loved, Mike. She didn’t feel the same when she was around him as she did with Max. No one really even told her what love felt like, anyway. Different than the heart that glowed when the arms of her friends enveloped her in a hug, different than a reassuring squeeze of the hand Hopper would give her. Instead, El wanted to be close to Max, to make her happy, to... hold her hand? Kiss her? She’d never tell anyone, would let Max sleep in the dark, wouldn’t act on it. Just silently wished and hoped the girl would never find out, or by some miracle, could feel the same. That one day, El could let Max know, with hope in her chest that it would work out. She could only now continue to miss her, over and over, regretting not squeezing her tighter or telling her before she left.

Who could be sure of the next time she could see Hawkins again, if ever? She couldn’t make new friends, impossible. Joyce could and would become a mother. But who could replace Hopper? She’d never be able to find another Max.

Guilt ate away at her, made her hands wring and flip pages of stacks of phone books, hoping to find the right number to call. The fleeting thought that she’d never find it made her heart ache. Max would assume she’d forgotten, or didn’t miss her at all.

Jesus, she’d left Max. The thought played over again, skipping like a broken record. Only reachable by mail or phone call. She left the girl she cared about most broken, still stitching up the wounds and grief and confusion that followed her brother’s death... alone. And here El was, thinking about if that girl wanted her. It was so selfish. All she could replay was how she held Max in her arms after her brother had died. She hated herself for it.

She found the number. Sat in the living room, book a few inches away from her, under the landline. Joyce found her sitting there, boxes still in the corners of the room. El’s eyes glued to the page, the words reading “Neil Hargrove Residence”. Her gaze heavy with apprehension and doubt, but longing for the courage to dial the phone.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Joyce pondered, leaning over and placing a comforting hand on her shoulder as she tried to read the print on the thick book’s page.

“It’s Max. I want to talk but I—”

“Can’t?” Joyce finished for her. El nodded. Joyce understood. “It’s okay honey. I think she’s ready. You miss her, don’t you?” Another nod. “I promise, if she needs anyone to help her heal, it’s a friend. You.” Joyce didn’t know Max very well, but knew that her brother had recently passed, and that the two were friends. Granted, she didn’t know just how complicated Max’s feelings were toward Billy, and how destructive he was to Max’s life, El’s life, her son’s, and the rest of their friends, but she understood grief. How it complicates things. And how people help.

Joyce smiled again, squeezing El’s shoulder. “Do it when you’re ready, sweetheart. But you should.” She took her hand away as El’s face softened and left the room.

El’s heavy breath, deep into her lungs, penetrated the buzzing thoughts in her head, akin to the background noise of the television. Yes, she could wait a day, for her heartbeat to slow. She could wait a few days, which would turn into weeks, maybe even months. She knew that now was the necessary time, otherwise? Never. Hands shaking, breath catching in her throat, El dialed the phone. As the dial tone echoed in her ears her thoughts shouted to hang up, made up reasons why Max wouldn’t pick up, so why should she bother? But she swallowed them, and accepted the dial tone. A nearby box caught her eye, walking with the cord with restless hands, and found… something of Max’s. Her shirt baggy, probably for sleeping. She must’ve kept it accidentally after she slept over at Max’s. Impulsively, already with a shirt underneath, put it on, other hand still gripping the phone. At that same moment the tone stopped, and with a click, a voice was on the line.

“Hello?” Max’s curious voice inquired on the other end. El almost dropped the phone she was holding, fingertips loosely holding the thing, as her stomach dropped what felt like ten stories.

“Hi, it’s El.” She choked out, unaware of the breath she was holding in. Unknown to El, Max grinned happily, jumping up and down in the hallway outside of her room.

“I’ve missed you.” The two girls said in unison, both giggling after noticing what had happened. Max couldn’t help but cheerfully play with her ponytail, held by a scrunchie of the other girl’s, probably something she accidentally kept after their sleepover.

“I’m so sorry.” El blurted. “Are you doing okay?” Worry overcame her, alongside guilt. She hadn’t been able to help her at all. At least the two could’ve grieved together.

“It’s not your fault.” Max shook her head. “And yeah, for the most part. It’s a lot quieter at home now. The boys try their best, and mom’s still broken up about it. I wish you were here, y’know, to talk about it.” Silence on Max’s end.

“Yeah, I get it. It’s hard too. No one’s really talked about it. They’re all scared of what I’ll do.” El responded, hopefully attempting to make Max feel less alone.

“Things just aren’t the same anymore.” The redhead replied.

Definitely. El thought to herself. The two fought the awkward silence and tried to cheer the other up, eventually ending in laughter and joking around. Max sat on the floor now, back resting against the wall of the hallway, soft carpet under her. It wasn’t the same, but talking to El brought back those feelings from before. Of… happiness. Freedom. Safety. Like… home. She only wished the girl was face to face with her in that hall, sitting on the other side, knees grazing her own.

El in her own happiness, feeling the fabric of Max’s shirt in between her fingers. Soft, worn. She was struck suddenly with her own urgency. Her longing to know the girl’s feelings for her.

“Hey Max?” El sounded… far away. Apprehensive. Scared.

“Yeah. What’s wrong?” Max dug herself into the carpet.

A few moments of silence.“ Nothing, I just have something to tell you.” I like you. The words never came out. Instead: “Your shirt’s here. I must have taken it accidentally after I stayed over. I’ll mail it back to you, okay?”

“Keep it.” The prospect of El having something of her own, made her feel… giddy somehow. “I have your scrunchie anyway.” Like she could just jump through the phone and… kiss her.

El smiled to herself. A memento. A piece of Max, now her’s. “I’ll tell you the other thing in person.”

“There’s something else?” Max ached to know. What could be so secret? Too worthy for the telephone? It couldn’t be what she hoped for, secretly.

“Yeah. Just that I miss you.” El wasn’t ready. Maybe for another phone call, maybe. In another year, or two.

“I miss you more. Mwah.” Max blew a kiss into the receiver. That was as close to the real thing she could get. She hung up the phone after a few moments, heart loud in her ears. Hopefully El didn’t read into it too much. Best friends blew kisses to each other, right? She hoped that’s what El thought.

El felt a smile overtake her as she heard Max’s kiss on the other end, grappling for it out of the receiver. A flush made her face hot with embarrassment. But with a gentle sense of pride, placed the handful of air against her lips. She could wait a few months to see Max, she thought. Maybe then she’d tell her, and if she was lucky, the two girls would do better than just air through a landline.

#elmax #max mayfield #el hopper #stranger things fic #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things season 3 #elmax fic #elmax fanfic #elmax fanfiction

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ladyamber · 5 years

Text

Sirenade: Chapter Eleven

Happy Sunday everyone and Welcome to another chapter of Sirenade this week’s been a rough ride with school starting up again and me always getting sick thanks to the reintroduction of germs. So sorry I’m not super active my throat feels like I haven’t seen water in like 50 years (the first few days was that it kind of hurt to breathe mostly to swallow, but now I just have the sniffles than a bothered throat) but that won’t stop me from working so I hope you enjoy this week’s chapter and as always Stay Tuned!

Start: Prologue

Previous: Chapter 10

Next: Chapter 12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 11

Most of the way back to shore remained silent only the roaring sea echoed through the reef was heard as they creep back onto the beach out of sight. Every step, every glance was taken with caution as they quickly and quietly retreated towards Delirious’s home. Brock’s mind couldn’t stop returning to the events that happened tonight. Granted when he finally told Brian everything his chest felt a hundred times lighter, but what those men did to them was unforgivable. Flashbacks of Brian watching in horror as they’d beat him, watching him sink deeper into the blue void, and he had to stop himself from crying to help free Brian. His heart wept as he watched for any movements kind of struggle from Brian, but it seemed at that moment his best friend had given up.

“Moo, are you okay?” Without realizing it Brock had started to lag behind his friends from how buried in thought he had become, as Brian slowed down giving him the chance to catch up. He slightly paused to wipe away the small tears that had formed before picking up the pace to reach Brian.

“Yeah, just...thinking.” Brian nodded understanding Brock had no intention of expanding his answer. Continuing walking in silence as a familiar blue roof peered through the tops of the green foliole, and without haste, all four rushed into the small home slamming the door shut.

“We weren’t followed right?”

“No, I would’ve noticed.” Evan peeked out the window, quickly rolled down the shutters and flopped down on the sofa next to Jonathan placing his arms over his eyes. “Gods this is a disaster.”

“I’m sorry. This wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me. I screwed everything up.”

“Brock it’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known. None of us could’ve.” Evan mumbled as Brian rubbed Brock’s knuckles soon intertwining their fingers. “But we need to make sure the others are ok. Who knows who they’ll target next.”

“We could use my phone to call up Panda,” Jonathan suggested, but Brock shook his head as he stood up and released his hand from Brian’s soothing grasp.

“No, I should be the one to gather the others.”

Brian quickly shoot up enveloping Brock into a firm hug restricting any movement. “No way! After what happened, forget it.”

Brock shifted and struggled to turn in Brian’s iron death grip, finally, he was able to loosen Brian’s hold and face him. “But I know where they are, plus I’m harder to spot than you are. Please let me do this I’ll make it up to you I promise.”

Brock gave him a look of guilt knowing how hard it would be to defy his request. Unable to look away from Brock’s pleading eyes Brian sighed as he released him deliver him one last caress before freeing him from his lock. Just as he let Brock go he pulled Brian’s hand to whisper in his ear even he became flushed from his own words. “I’ll make it a night you’ll never forget.”

Brock leaned away from Brian he paced towards the door to try and hide his glow, but before he could leave a warm hand guided his head towards their own, crashing their lips together completely ignoring Evan or Jon’s presence. The kiss was nothing like the one at the rocks this time it packed fire and passion, though it didn’t have a gagging person behind them Brock enjoyed every moment of it. Lips refusing to break away from one another even when oxygen was desperately needed, but eventually, they did part Brian’s lips grazed Brock’s as he muttered against them. “I’ll be waiting for that promise.”

As Brock grabbed the doorknob, opened it, turned towards his friends waving goodbye sending them a reassuring smile while he slowly closed the door. The night breeze welcomed Brock with a chilly touch leaving him behind to play with tree branches that extended out on the path of the dirt trail. The small pebbles of sediments crunched under Brock’s shoes with every step he took carefully and quietly. At that point, Brock could see the number of trees decreasing and the rocky path now being gradually replaced with concrete. He quickly made his way towards his first stop, Panda’s brewery knowing Marcel or Ryan would be here around this hour of the night. Those two seemed to enjoy the nightly hours of the town rather than the active hours, maybe for a good reason. Approaching the bar Brock slipped in hoping to run into anyone he knew, “Brock?”

Lui’s voice was easily recognizable, but right now he didn’t want the small talk or questions. “What are you doing here? It’s kind of odd to see you here especially tonight-...What happened to you?!”

Brock covered Lui’s mouth to avoid attracting any more attention from any ears listening. “I need to talk to Anthony.”

Lui nodded understanding the urgency of the matter, quickly pulling into the back area of the bar. There at the end of a hallway stood a dark stained door labeled Management. “He should be in his office I think he’s talking with Marcel, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. Granted I didn’t see him leave then again I was a bit preoccupied.”

“Actually, I need to talk to you and David too. It won’t take long, but it’s really important.”

“Give me one second.” Lui threw his slightly stained rag over his shoulder as he disappeared through the wooden door. Brock patiently waited for Lui who came right back with Nogla in hand. “I bought us some time, right now I’ve got Tyler watching the bar for us.”

All three walked right up to the door knocking on the smooth cold wood. Some shuffling comes from behind the door, but soon a familiar bearded face popped out the door. “Moo? What happened to you?”

“We need to talk. Is Marcel with you?” Anthony nodded allowing the three to enter the room with Marcel quietly in a chair. His facial expression changed from confused to angry.

“Who did this?”

“Siren hunters…” Brock explained everything to them not leaving a single detail out of his explanation. He summarized most of the events to keep it short knowing he still needed to find Ohm, Mini, and Smitty.

“That’s terrible. I don’t get why people find your species so evil.”

“It’s the stories humans have told each other for centuries victimizing themselves over and over again.” Marcel said gesturing with his hands.”The soon we get to Jon’s house the better. We need to be sure no one else gets hurt or worse...caught.”

“If one of the others comes into the bar we’ll let them know to meet at Jon’s house,” Nogla suggested as they all quickly scampered out of the cramped room.

“You should over there too Marcel they’re waiting for you.”

“What about you?”

“I’ve gotta go find the others, but I’ll meet you there.” Brock proceed to leave the brewery making his way towards his next stop John’s apartment. He had hardly walked out of the bar when he ran into another person. “Oh, I’m so sorry I-. Ohm!”

“Hey…”

“You ok? You don’t look so good.”

“I had to make some tough choices tonight. So you could say I’m not doing too hot.” Ryan placed his hand on the back of his neck.

“As much as I want to mother you I need you to head to Jon’s house immediately we’ve got some seriously dangerous Siren hunters in Evernor.” Brock was glad he could mentally scratch-off Ohm’s name from the list. The only ones left were Smitty and Mini. “The others will explain everything to you, but right now I’m looking for-”

“Smitty’s probably with John and Craig might be at the cavern. You sure you don’t want help?”

“It’ll be faster if I do it. Now go on.”

Ohm waved Brock farewell as they went their separate ways. Ryan towards the worn-down path leading to the Northwest side of the town and Brock towards his previous destination.

The only problem was Ryan or anyone at all was too far to hear Brock’s muffled screams, for he had been captured by the oldest and biggest brother of the Cutter Boys. Smith. Brock struggled so much so that his capture grew tired of his movements, and just like in the boat he’d knocked him out cold by pinning Brock to the alleyway’s brick wall with all his might.

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soveryanon · 5 years

Text

Reviewing time for MAG122 /o/ (Rambling, pondering, wild mass guessing and probably many stabs in The Dark, as per usual.)

- … actually, relistening and realizing that Georgie and Basira never told Jon that by “a coma” they meant that neither his heart nor his lungs were functioning while his brain was still active for the past six months does… shed another light on their interactions, and on the fact that Jon is probably not as weirded out as he ought to be by the whole thing (or, at least, that he didn’t feel as “not fine” as Georgie would have wanted). Unless he’s been absolutely lying to them throughout the exchange, he… doesn’t really have a clear grasp on the amount of time that passed either:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: I’m okay– GEORGIE: Jon, you are not okay! You have been in coma. ARCHIVIST: Wait– wait. H–how long? BASIRA: Six months. Give or take. ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERS] Six…

I initially freaked out over the whole episode, feeling that Jon was utterly off, and while there are some bits that are clearly worrisome (the apparently missing memories; the feeling “more real” thing; that ~the Archivist~; the mere concept of Jon saying that he feels all right??? his last explicit good night's sleep was around Halloween 2016!), and the whole basis/state of Jon waking up Means A Few Very Unfortunate Things… at the same time, how would have usual!Jon reacted, if he was waking up after apparently having survived the Unknowing, and suddenly being told that he’s been in a coma for half a year, while he himself didn’t feel like he had been unresponsive for this long (and quite the contrary: feeling like he’s just… waking up after only a night of sleep)? And when all these pieces of information are dropped on him, one after another, from Basira who had all those months to cope with them and to learn to not (totally) drown herself in this new life? The whole premise is wrong but, actually, Jon’s reactions didn’t seem… that much out-of-character, on their own?

- In the list of Jon-related things to get worried over, though, I am *squints squints squints* about the bits that he seems to have forgotten:

(MAG122) BASIRA: How much do you remember? ARCHIVIST: I don’t… Music. Everything was wrong. Gertrude was there, and then… dancing. I think? Then… pain. And I was somewhere else. Dreaming.

The Unknowing was chaos, it messed with their minds, they had been warned about it and we got to hear first-hand how it went. But I find it curious that Jon… didn’t mention Jurgen Leitner, who arrived right after Gertrude, and with a special purpose when Nikola was puppeteering them:

(MAG119) ARCHIVIST: I, I tried, I tried, I almost… GERTRUDE: You almost what? […] You know, it’s probably for the best I’m dead. Can you imagine how much I hate having to watch you fumble around as my replacement? I really cannot express how much of a disappointment you are. ARCHIVIST: I, I’m sorry, I didn’t even– GERTRUDE: […] This is your fault. ARCHIVIST: It is not! It’s not, I didn’t know, it’s not my fault you died! LEITNER: No, I suppose not. Me, on the other hand… […] you left me to get my head bashed in. I understand, of course. You needed a cigarette! I suppose you should have remembered that smoking kills! [LAUGHS]

“Leitner” was specifically brought up to shatter Jon’s defence that he has had no responsibility whatsoever in Gertrude’s death – while his actions had direct consequences in the case of Leitner’s. Jon makes no mention of Tim’s last moments in his summary, either, and those also contained something specific: his assertion that he was not forgiving Jon.

(MAG119) TIM: […] Jon, I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can… ARCHIVIST: Tim…? TIM: I don’t forgive you. But thank you for this.

I wonder if perhaps, there wasn’t some messing around to keep Jon away from the guilt he had felt over some of his actions? (The feeling getting cauterized, or sealed, or the memories getting purposely buried to make him forget about it?) Especially since… it had been very prevalent in him towards the end of season 3.

(MAG098) MARTIN: […] Y’know, I think he thinks that the distance keeps us safe, you know? Like, like, if he just makes sure that we’re not involved, we’re somehow fine. […] He was… Y’know, we know about Sasha now, and… he said he doesn’t want to lose anyone else. Like, y’know, it’s his fault. TIM: Isn’t it? MARTIN: No! No, it isn’t! I mean, you heard Elias… We never really stood a chance. TIM: Yeah. Maybe. But Elias wasn’t actually the one who offered me the job down here.

(MAG113) MELANIE: Wasn’t a great time back here, either. ARCHIVIST: Oh, god, Melanie, of course. I’m… I’m sorry. If I’d known that Ivy Meadows was– MELANIE: What?! You’d have told me? Let me learn from one of your statements instead of from Elias? I don’t see that changing anything. ARCHIVIST: Even so, I… am… I’m sorry. MELANIE: I don’t need your apology. Or your pity. ARCHIVIST: Of course. [QUIETER] Of course.

(MAG114) TIM: … You listened to it, then? My statement. ARCHIVIST: I listened to all the tapes. I, I had no idea how much of a… a mess I left this place in, I–I–I’m sorry. […] [SOFTLY] Tim, I… I didn’t realise. I–I didn’t think. I’m sorry.

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: I’ve listened to the tape, I– I know what they talk about behind my back, how much they’ve… suffered, because of… this place… because of me. God. Poor Melanie.

Jude Perry had highlighted that her choices had made her cast away at least some bits of empathy (MAG089: “Any feelings of pity or mercy I might have had for the poor woman I fed from were cauterised.”), so, I find it suspicious that Jon would forget about “Leitner” and Tim during the Unknowing, when both of them specifically had words that had probably elicited the feeling at the time…? Jon still sounded concerned about the remaining assistants (and he hadn’t forgotten about Tim’s whole existence), so that’s reassuring! But I do wonder whether he will still be able to feel bad/guilty about his own actions, past worrying over future consequences? As usual: wait and ~see~.

- He sounded less anxious than usual!Jon, more philosophical/detached than truly shaking over the idea of being inhuman, but that… could plainly be due to the avalanche of bad news and Jon having trouble processing and readjusting. Technically, there was a lot to assimilate, on all accounts and everywhere. (We can only assume that The Admiral is safe, and that’s it?!)

(MAG122) BASIRA: Jon, is it still… you? ARCHIVIST: Er… Y… yes. Y–yes, I–I think so? I, I don’t know how you’d… prove it, though.

ARCHIVIST: […] They can be hard, though, sometimes, oth–other people… feelings. I’m… I’m… I’m trying to focus. Trying to make sure I’m the same me as before, but… how can anyone really remember that? How do you know… you’re the same person that went to sleep…?

BASIRA: Me first. What are you? ARCHIVIST: … Honestly… I don’t know. I don’t feel… inhuman, or… … I want to say I’m the same. But I don’t… really know if that’s true. I know I’m different. I feel… more real, somehow. BASIRA: So what does that actually mean? ARCHIVIST: Probably nothing good.

^the reassuring thing is that 1°) Jon expressed doubts over the fact he could still be himself, while not being able to pinpoint differences (he’s not taking for granted that he could still be the same/The True Jon Who Was There All Along), 2°) HE EXPRESSED THESE DOUBTS ALONE, TOO!! So he’s not lying to Basira about it. He could be dissimulating some information again, but he’s genuine about these doubts – and doubts are a good thing! … though the word “monster” was quite curiously totally absent from the conversation, and it had been the one Jon had been using to refer to the Avatars before. Also, Jon quite obviously tried to get some Alone Me-Time at the end, when telling Basira that they should get the nurses; on the one hand, Jonathan “don’t tell me what to do” Sims could have tried to just… leave like this, on the other hand, it really sounded like he needed to blank out for a bit before facing all there is to face? (Sob, regarding Jon waiting for that medical check: the last big one had been… with Prentiss? There were apparently a few medical things after his first encounter with Michael, since he got five stitches, but Elias had told him to not “worry about the doctor’s note” back in MAG092, and we don’t even know if he tried to get his arm treated post-handshake with Jude… so yeah, it’s been a while since he got a complete check, probably. ;; I wonder if they’ll find something wrong about him (… O-negative blood…? There had been two statements in which spooks had that one), or if he will be… uncannily normal, still. Neither option would be reassuring given the context.)

- Noticeably: there was no static when he asked Basira questions. There had been no static either back in season 2 even in cases for which we retrospectively learned that he had actually been non/dubconning answers out of an unwilling person (Daisy), but punctual compulsion has steadily made the tape recorders react more reliably. So, unless twist (tape recorder not reacting anymore / Jon has lost that power / etc.): it means that Jon is still able to not compulse someone, and that he… didn’t do it on Basira, when he could have for various reasons (not caring, being too anxious to keep it in check, being unsure whether she would hide things from him, etc.) Which… is kind of good, actually??? (How long will it last.)

-Re: Jon’s memories and the “dreams”… In fact, I’m not sure that he’s currently able to remember their content? Or at least not in details?

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERS] Six… Er, the others. T–Tim? Is he… [SILENCE] Oh… [SILENCE] BASIRA: … Daisy, too. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. BASIRA: Yeah. […] ARCHIVIST: Then… pain. And I was somewhere else. Dreaming. BASIRA: Dreaming. ARCHIVIST: Yes. … You’re… sure a–about Tim? BASIRA: Yeah, they, er… They found his remains a few days later. ARCHIVIST: And… Daisy? BASIRA: They still haven’t found her body.

… it sounds like Jon discovered Daisy’s Official Status As Dead at the same level as he did with Tim; but Elias had previously narrated that Jon was searching for Daisy in his dreams (MAG120: “He looks around, his eyes scanning this forever road and the clouds of iron grey, looking for her – but she is not there. The Archivist expects, he hopes, to find the violence in her looking back at him, hungry for pursuit and murder. But the emptiness of the place is complete […]”), while the assistants are apparently excluded from his dreams (so even counting the post-Prentiss statement from MAG040, he’d probably never seen Tim in there). Jon would have pieced the things together, I think, if he remembered his dream about Daisy? Or was the memory of this one in particular robbed from him?

There is also the fact that he almost immediately began to ask about Tim and wasn’t aware that he had been out for six months… as if nothing had really happened between the Unknowing and the moment he woke up. I’m definitely fearing some memory tampering, since we already had Mike mention having no recollection of his own transformation (MAG091: “I don’t remember that night in detail. […] There are echoes of resignation, I think, almost desperation. That can’t be right, though. What reason would I have had not to jump? Not to become as I am now. Perhaps I just didn’t know the true joy of vertigo. It doesn’t matter.”) – memories getting twisted a bit when they don’t fit the ~narrative~ of Avatars willingly deciding to give themselves in wholly, without any hesitation? Or will that come… later. So, really: does Jon even currently know that he ~made a choice~ and apparently became an avatar/a monster/got an upgrade on the spooky-scale? Or was he… made to forget about it? Not banking on it but I can’t help but think that there is a possibility he might not know, given how… the tape recorder with Oliver’s statement on it apparently disappeared between MAG121 and MAG122:

(MAG122) GEORGIE: It was just there! BASIRA: Could he have come back? Moved it? GEORGIE: I guess. BASIRA: […] And you don’t know why this guy would have left a tape recorder? GEORGIE: You’re the detective. BASIRA: And you’re sure it was him who left it? GEORGIE: I mean, the nurses said there were no other visitors so, unless it appeared by magic… … What, seriously? BASIRA: I don’t know. The whole tape thing is… I don’t know. […] Shh. [SHUFFLING] Down here. GEORGIE: I told you. BASIRA: This is the one? GEORGIE: Sure. BASIRA: You don’t sound very sure. GEORGIE: I mean, I don’t know. It might be a different model, maybe? I thought it was plastic. But… yeah.

Tape recorders are still spooky, but in this special instance, it seems like the previous one vanished and that a new one popped up elsewhere. Which might mean that the tape inside is probably not the same. Which would mean… that Jon probably won't be able to listen again to Oliver’s statement? Why did it disappear? (And “how?”, but that’s the tape recorders for you.) Assuming that Jon wouldn’t even remember that he made a choice following Oliver’s statement… he would still be unable to rediscover what happened, so long as he can’t access the tape?

But at the same time, he threw us that (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH) “Jonathan Sims, the Archivist” with a small hesitation (though there were hesitations everywhere in his introduction, he apparently had trouble reading/sorting the words out), so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ As usual: Jon, what the fuck do you know about things around you/yourself, what are you planning, and could you share it with us instead of letting us wonder about it for the next 10 or 20 episodes. If he knows, he didn’t tell Basira, and that part is concerning because uh, Jon, really, if ~you are(/were) still you~, you should give people plenty of warnings about agreeing-to-turn-into-a-monster-for-real in order to allow them to keep you in check. (… but that would also be Typical Jon Behaviour to know that he can be a danger and to assume that he can keep himself in check anyway. If he’s even caring about it.)

(Please, relisten to your old tapes, if you want to make sure that you’re still you ;__; At the same time, I’m fearing that he would also not really recognize or understand that “past Jon”, his worries and his concerns… ;; … and that’s assuming that the old tapes are still in the Archives, since they can now apparently… disappear. And assuming that whatever happened in the Archives didn’t damage some of them.)

- A few things had previously been established already regarding Jon’s powers: that Jon has grown to be dependent on statements (MAG107: “It looks like the recording of statements has now passed over from psychological compulsion into… a more physical dependence. I don’t know whether this is… some sort of classical addiction or something a bit deeper. […] What irritates me most is that Elias was clearly aware of this, hence his sending me this. Which seems to serve no other purpose but as a restorative. [BREATHES] But as usual, he chose to keep this very useful information to himself.”), complete with his voice getting sturdier as he’s reading after a withdrawal (though the process took much longer here compared to MAG107!), and the static happening when Jon quoted the words from spooky creatures (which… is something the tape recorder catches independently from Jon: it did the same things when the assistants were reading statements, and does it too during live-statements when people remember a Spook’s words, cf Georgie’s “The moment that you die will feel exactly the same as this one.” in MAG094, or Elias describing the “DIG” add in MAG120).

The only new things, as far as I can tell, are that Jon could feel (or see?) the statement in Basira’s bag, complete with static effect, and that he spontaneously changed his introduction to… that (“Recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist. Statement begins.”)… without questioning it… (Did he not realize? Or, as usual: does Jon know way more than what he’s deigning to tell right now, and it is one of the things he has embraced?) It’s quite funny how that new introduction sounded so off-balance to me, compared to the usual one which had its own rhythm and harmony (“Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London. Statement begins.”). Comparatively: he’s keeping his name, switching to the spooky title, and not tying himself to a place anymore. Jon, what do you knooooow…

- As usual with the series, characters… clash in bittersweet ways, but leaving you enough clues to feel why they behaved in the way they did – they don’t act as you would want them to, they tend to hurt each other very spontaneously, refuse to open up to others when it could maybe help, but all these reactions also feel like they make sense for who they are and what they've experienced. Martin had already mentioned that Basira was keeping things together, in the trailer, and her presence confirmed that she has been the one in charge for some time: Martin is out of their reach (Basira isn’t even sure that he’s working with Peter!), and Melanie is apparently too worrisome to be allowed to see Georgie-or-Jon at the hospital? And Basira has had her own worrying and grieving over Daisy in the meantime; Daisy who… had been her own anchor until now. She was very dry and steel-like towards Jon, making it obvious that she had to check if Jon waking up wasn’t… something that was making the already bad situation worse: she did not take the concept of “Jon” as an ally for granted, it hurts, but the situation sounds very bad overall so that’s… absolutely understandable.

As for Georgie… ;; I’m heartbroken that she apparently still hoped that Jon could still (want to) (try to) put everything behind him… while it hadn’t been an option for him for a long while. And that’s understandable for Georgie! Her own experience messed her up, took from her, made her lose a precious friend, and she knows it, and she felt it; and she also spent time rebuilding herself and trying to hide it (Jon had never realized that she was literally fearless when he had dated her afterwards!). Comparatively, Jon’s situation was different from the start since he had doomed more people in this mess (he had “trapped” at least Tim in the Archives by choosing him), but as Elias put it in MAG092, he also decided to press on and to seek knowledge (without understanding the repercussions) instead of letting things go. The circumstances preceding Jon’s awakening already had enough elements to give Georgie the impression of being in a hostile and alien territory (someone feeling like death being there; a wild tape recorder in the room, and Georgie was already wary of them before the coma; Basira answered her call instead of Melanie); and then, Jon just woke up after getting a visit from an Avatar of The End, in a medical room, and Jon insisted that he was feeling fine… There was enough to get triggered for multiple reasons, and to project and to get hurt by the differences in the way Jon reacted – I felt that Georgie wanted some normalcy, needed Jon to say that he wasn’t fine and needed time to readjust, just like she had? And indeed, what to think, when Jon presents his whole situation as “normal” while nothing had been normal for the past six months? When Georgie knew first-hand that you don’t (shouln’t) come out of this unscarred?

It’s so sad to think that Jon was easier to handle when he was… unconscious, and that Georgie did more than her share during all these months but that she ultimately reached her breaking point as soon as he woke up – pushing people away from her private life (“Honestly Basira, it’s not your business. … Sorry.”) and being excluded in return (“Georgie, could you give us a minute? There’re some things we should probably discuss.”) – and that she has decided to get out now. It’s good for her, but also so sad because her advice had been the bestest before, and Jon might have attenuated the damages a bit towards the end of season 3 thanks to what she had told him:

(MAG099) GEORGIE: I said I’m fine with it. At least until you’re properly back on your feet. You’re not doing well. You keep apologising and saying you’re changing, but it’s all just the same. If you leave, I think it’s just going to get worse, and I don’t want that. […] ARCHIVIST: Is it… Why are you so insistent on keeping me around? GEORGIE: Because you’re trying to cut yourself off, and that’s… that’s really bad. Look, when’s the last time you spoke to someone who wasn’t me? ARCHIVIST: That’s… I… I–I– talked to Martin a… a, a few weeks ago… GEORGIE: Did you talk to him? Or did he talk to you, while you tried to find a way to escape? Look, you’re worried. I get it. But if you really think you’re turning into something… inhuman, you need people around you. You need anchors. ARCHIVIST: All my “anchors” are just as deep in this as me. GEORGIE: Well, you still need them. ARCHIVIST: [SIGHS] Maybe you’re right. I’ll talk to the others. […]

(MAG0117) ARCHIVIST: […] Georgie was right. If I am… slipping, then I need people I can trust. And I… I don’t think that can happen naturally for me an–anymore, so… I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Georgie, I– GEORGIE: Jon. If this really is a second chance… please, try to take it. But I don’t think that it is. ARCHIVIST: Georgie, I don’t und– GEORGIE: Take care of yourself.

But now, Georgie is quitting, and she has every right to do so ;; Not even… abandoning Jon at his lowest, since Basira is there (Jon might have other anchors, or more or less?), and not even wishing him the worse, but also deciding that she has had enough with all of this. … It’s also the worst of Jon’s dreams (MAG120, Elias: “She simply looks at him sadly, a pity in her face that burns him worse than any flame. More than anything, the Archivist wants to looks away, to turn his Eye from her gentle sadness, from the disappointment for what she sees in him; but he cannot. So he watches her, until she simply fades away.”) happening to him in real life, and AOUCH. I wonder if Georgie remembers her own dreams of him…? I still hope that they might be able to more or less patch things up at some point, their friendship was great, okay TT____TT (AND SO WAS THE ADMIRAL.) … I’m also a bit worried for her, since she met Oliver, and since… she seems to think that she managed to leave behind what happened to her all these years ago, but given that she still lives with the consequences (she’s unable to feel fear), I’m not sure that it won’t catch up with her at some point.

Aaaand in return, Jon had apparently not quite understood what he was coming back from (six months coma with no lungs nor heart working), and is just being told that Tim and Daisy died; that Martin’s plan worked and that Elias is in prison, but that it solved nothing! that Elias had been able to choose his successor beforehand! and that it’s Peter Lukas; that Martin might be collaborating with him; that Melanie is not doing great; that “a lot has happened” while he was out; and Basira is wary towards him; and nobody looks relieved to see him alive… It had every reason to be disorientating for him, too.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Honestly, I… I, I think I’m alright? I mean, that’s… good, right? I… GEORGIE: After a six months coma? No. It’s not. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go, Jon. ARCHIVIST: I… What? Y–you, you’d prefer I was… brain-damaged? Dead? Or– […] ARCHIVIST: … What about you? Disappointed to see me alive? … Basira? BASIRA: We can deal with that later.

gODS, the misdirected bitterness towards Basira ;__; (His tone was so insidiously cruel and twisting the knife?! Gods, Jon D: Not out of character, since he tends to snarl/bite when cornered, but still, that one gave me chills.) In the same vein, it was… heartbreaking to see Jon trying to ground himself with familiar elements, and them being perpetually denied. Basira has always been quite direct and often savage, but she was stern and steely here (cautious about what “Jon” was); Georgie has always called out Jon on his bullshit, but got enough and quit. Tim is dead and confirmed dead, Daisy is “officially” dead. Martin isn’t there to fuss over Jon, and might be working for another party than the Institute. Melanie’s overall situation sounds bad. Elias is in prison but chose a replacement who sounds worse in his own way; there is not even that relief. Even materially: Jon’s old clothes from the Archives have been discarded, and Jon asking for a cup of tea (something familiar, associated to comfort: Martin and Georgie had usually been the ones to offer it to him) was cut off and denied. Aouch?!

- I stupidly freaked out at this part:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Georgie, is she, er… BASIRA: She’s gone. Didn’t see where. ARCHIVIST: [MUTTERING] (No, I, I wouldn’t have… (?)) [LOUDER] Probably for the best.

Because my brain was flaring “NOP NOP NOP NOP” at this “Probably for the best”, not for itself, but for the wording, and I couldn’t figure out why…? And, right. That’s because I was remembering this one:

(MAG108) PETER: Do I scare you Martin? MARTIN: Yes…! PETER: Hm. Probably for the best.

Probably absolutely and utterly unrelated, it’s just that the “same phrasing” echo made me flip out. (Still.)

- BASIRA!!! ;___;

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERS] Six… Er, the others. T–Tim? Is he… [SILENCE] Oh… [SILENCE] BASIRA: … Daisy, too. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. BASIRA: Yeah. […] ARCHIVIST: And… Daisy? BASIRA: They still haven’t found her body. Probably never will. I thought for a while she might’ve… but. It’s been months. She’s gone.

So yeah, we’ll… see Daisy again at some point, in some form, and we’ll probably regret that she didn’t die orz I’m not sure that Basira finally managed to convince herself that ~Daisy is dead~, it sounds like she’s trying (and failing) to be rational about it. Gdi!! The fact that Jon immediately asked about Tim, got stunned, that Basira had to add about Daisy’s fate (Jon would have probably asked after a while, he kinda liked Daisy, they had that weird friendship/partnership going on?), and that Jon didn’t forget to ask about her the second time ;_; The weird pauses, because obviously, Jon was more concerned/curious about Tim (MAG118: “Tim, contrary to what you think, I did not bring you here to indulge your death wish! […] I am not losing you as well!!”) while Basira… lost her own anchor… (MAG117: “But at least Daisy's coming along. I mean… I know she’s… difficult. Everything they say about her, it’s true, it’s fair. But… she’s solid. She’s a fixed point. And if she’s there, I know exactly where I stand, exactly what I’m doing relative to her. She has no doubts. […] Despite everything she’s done, she’s… she’s still the best partner I ever had.”). She’s had months to try to rationalize that not finding Daisy’s body doesn’t mean that Daisy managed to escape; that Daisy is probably dead and not coming back… And yet, Basira has apparently been the one in charge since then… Due to their respective losses, Jon and Basira interacting was kind of the worst configuration, but at the same time, it was… for the best that Basira was the one to go. I am so impressed by her! She went straight to the point, asked the right questions to assess the current situation, kept in mind that the “Jon” in front of her might very well not be who Jon used to be (Martin would have probably been relieved first, denial&interrogations maybe a bit later). Obviously, there are still valuable questions that should get asked about the past/future (Why is Jon only waking up now and what did he give up to be able to come back? What is he planning, what does he want?), but Basira was focusing about the now and here and said herself that “We can deal with that later”. Though these bits will… have to factor, probably.

- By the way, some potential canon credentials to the fantheory that Basira is religious /o/

(MAG122) BASIRA: … What, capital D “Death”? GEORGIE: Yeah. Y’know, one of your dark gods… BASIRA: They’re not– Look. I’m trying to help.

It proves nothing (they’re not technically gods, though Christopher Meyer had called them “outer cults” in MAG060) but it’s still something I’ll Take And Run With! /o/

- YEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP things are not great regarding Melanie:

(MAG122) BASIRA: […] Look. I’m trying to help. You came to me. GEORGIE: I came to Melanie. BASIRA: Well, sorry. Right now, I’m it. […] ARCHIVIST: And Melanie? BASIRA: A lot’s happened, while you’ve been gone.

Sounds like Basira didn’t want Melanie to go near Jon orrrr to leave the Archives? It seems that she’s still there, though, since Basira used a plural form (“We don’t see [Martin] around the Archives much these days”). The question is: in which state. It sounds bad anyway.

- Is Melanie related to whatever happened to Jon’s clothes.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: […] I don’t suppose you brought in any… clothes? […] Right, well, er… I kept some in the Archives, er, in my office. BASIRA: Yes, those got, hum… We had to throw those out. ARCHIVIST: What? BASIRA: Like I said, a lot’s happened. ARCHIVIST: S–since I’ve been… … Fine. BASIRA: I’ll get you some new ones. Better ones.

Fire? Flooding/rusting effects from the Lonely? Spiders infestation? Melanie permanently staying in the Archives? Peter forcing sailors uniforms on the staff? I really hope that this “Better ones.” is once again Basira’s own sense of humour (casually throwing shade at Jon for his style), because it… sounds… so weird… too…

- Did Jon share Gerry’s tape with the assistants, or did he give them a lecture about the entities between MAG111 and MAG117? I had already wondered about it due to Martin’s comment in MAG117 (“I mean, if you’re right, if these things out there are eating our fears […]”), and Basira confirmed that they’re now a bit more informed:

(MAG122) GEORGIE: He, er… He felt like Death. BASIRA: … What, capital D “Death”? […] So Jon told you, then. GEORGIE: Some of it. Not… everything. BASIRA: Right. So how exactly is it that you’re able to identify an Avatar of The End on sight? GEORGIE: Honestly Basira, it’s not your business. … Sorry.

-> Jon didn’t share Georgie’s statement with the others (or maybe even specifically hid it?), since Basira didn’t know about it. That’s… surprisingly thoughtful of him. (He respected her privacy!! Didn’t want to get her involved!! ;;) -> Basira was able to translate Georgie’s description to label it under “The End”, which is a veeeerrrry specific way to allude to it (one would more spontaneously stick to “death”, yes?). Not surprising that she, amongst all the others, did her research (she had some on Peter Lukas even before he began to be relevant, back in MAG108, and had tracked down the things around Maxwell Rayner as well), but I don’t think that she could have understood that its official name was “The End” if it hadn’t come from Gerry’s statement, be it directly or indirectly. So yeah, either Jon made them listen to that specific tape (or bits of it), either Basira found it herself, either Jon gave them all an Official Lecture before The Unknowing.

- The fact that Jon has been out for six months might complicate things a bit as to who-knows-what and who had access to the tapes during this time… Elias’s from MAG120 was directly addressed to Jon towards the end, but was probably kept by Peter Lukas since then? Or did it disappear (like the one from MAG121 apparently did) and will reappear only for Jon? It sounded like Elias intended for Jon to listen to it – it was a verrrry Beholding-like move from him indeed (the fear of ~having your deepest secrets exposed~, the ~feeling that something, somewhere, is letting you suffer just so it can watch~), but did it have another purpose? As mentioned above: what about the tape(s) from The Unknowing (MAG118+MAG119): have they been destroyed, will they resurface? What happened to Oliver’s from MAG121? Has Martin hidden his tape from MAG118 (T____T), or will Jon be able to access it? He ~listens to all the tapes~, but that would require getting his hands on this one… though they might get into his hands whether someone wants it to or not.

- I wonder if the assistants have still been recording things while Jon was out, and if he will catch up with that? Or if they… totally stopped in the meantime? Maybe they read statements to comatose!Jon but without the tape recorders on, since Georgie was so offended to find one there? Georgie had called for Melanie, and Basira came instead, but it doesn’t seem like… she had spotted that Jon was breathing, since Basira&Georgie were more concerned about the tape recorder that Georgie had seen before trying to chase Oliver, at the beginning of the episode, and there was no nurse attending to Jon. So apparently they hadn’t noticed that Jon’s body was functional again, and yet, Basira still came with a statement:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: No, er, the, er, the, the statement. [STATIC] In, in your bag. BASIRA: Oh. Yeah, I, er… [ZIP SOUND] I just grabbed one on the way out. I thought maybe you’d need it. ARCHIVIST: You, you were right. I, I think that’d do me some good. Do you have a tape rec– oh. BASIRA: How did you know I’d brought one? [SILENCE] Right. ARCHIVIST: Thank you, Basira. […] ARCHIVIST: […] … I don’t suppose you brought in any… clothes? BASIRA: No, I just, y’know. Grabbed you a statement on my way out.

Basira didn’t question what she did, so it sounded like a regular thing? OR IS THAT A FUCKING SPIDER THING AGAIN…………… TELLING HER TO TAKE A STATEMENT THAT DAY BECAUSE OF COURSE, IT WAS THE LOGICAL THING TO DO, SHE HAD CLEARLY ALWAYS PLANNED TO TAKE ONE ON HER OWN. Orrr the Archives “gave” her this one? It sounded very fitting for Jon. Not reassuring at all (the world becoming alien and the statement-giver getting convinced that the problem was with everyone else), very disturbing, and also very fitting.

- (I barely mentioned anything about the statement itself, given how so many things happened around it… But yeah, wooowww was this one unsettling. No idea who did it, though? The eerie repeated words made me think of the Anglerfish, and there was something Stranger-like in your whole world turning into something you didn’t recognize; I thought of the Lonely because of the loss of contact and ensuing isolation; and I thought of the Spiral because of the idea of something twisting your mind and making you lose your bearings.)

- Some silly hopeful part of me hopes that there will still be… a way… to remember Tim’s last words… because it would be too sad, gdi!! That Tim died, and that his last moments are also forgotten!! (THAT HIS LAST UNFUNNY JOKE WAS FORGOTTEN…) We already got that with Sasha, not again!! ;_; Not when Tim had been the one to regard what the Institute was doing so gloomily, with his overall defiance and fuck-everything attitude… Maybe they wouldn’t have been caught in the mess if he hadn’t snapped, but he was also the one to ultimately pull the trigger and blow up the ceremony (and partially axing Nikola I think?!), I want them to know that the Unknowing was stopped thanks to him!!! ;_;

I have no idea if the tape from MAG119 survived the explosion (they’re spooky, this one could have just… managed), or if Jon will be able to get some of these memories back somehow through a live-statement, or through other spooks – I… don’t see Elias agreeing to do it with his Carving Truth Into Your Mind, though it could probably fall whithin his theoretical competences (MAG106: “I can see almost anything I care to, weave knowledge from someone’s mind, or place it there, but I just cannot change the nature of a person.”). But it occurs to me that the survivors should absolutely give their own statements about the Unknowing, and to carve it in stone rather than frail perishable tapes, for the next generation who will have to neutralize it in 200-300 years, since they had themselves been helped by a witness account of the previous one? … but at the same time, ~what’s the point, if The Watcher’s Crown is supposed to happen (and succeed!) before that~, right.

- Tim didn’t believe that avatars/monsters could fight against their own urges:

(MAG114) TIM: So, why don’t you ‘Archivist’ me, then? Just pull it straight out. ARCHIVIST: Because I don’t want to! I am not your enemy, Tim. TIM: [DISMISSIVELY] Like that matters! These things aren’t human. It’s… instinct. You can’t not. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] I’m still me, Tim. [TIM HUFFS] I’m still… me.

And we’ll see if that’s the case with Jon, too, but gdi!! I don’t want Tim to have been right on that / to have been right to think that Jon was becoming this ;; There is the weird Agnes case (what was she?), she seemed quite reluctant to get into Business in MAG067 but she wasn’t benevolent either (she… was the one to recruit Jude Perry?); we had the case of “Helen” whose transformation, unless lie, went wrong (MAG115: “I took a man, wandering the halls of an old tenement. He’s dead now, he never even came close to finding me. It was nourishing, but… […] I didn’t like it. […] I feel… wrong. I feel this—”), so I have no idea how Jon will manage/navigate through his new state, since he apparently turned-avatar-for-real, but I have a mix of dread (and eagerness.) thinking about how his next interaction with Elias will go. It will be Terrible but in which ways? (Will Elias switch to calling him “Archivist” all the time, or will he stick to “Jon”? At least there is one (1) person that might be ~happy that Jon chose to not die uwu~ (since Martin is not there), but I don’t want Elias to congratulate him about thiiiiiiiis *cries*) I AM VERY AFRAID that in the end, after the “throw Elias in jail” plan, Jon will have to crawl back to him for help re:Martin and the Peter management ORZ Though I guess the alternative would be “getting Elias out of jail because he’s needed for The Watcher’s Crown and Jon now finds it logical that they would head towards it yeah?” but, at least right now, he’s still seeing Elias as a source of trouble and malevolence; WHICH IS GOOD.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: What? Oh god, the, their plan, it’s, Martin is– Is he okay, or– … What did Elias do? BASIRA: No, nothing. Elias isn’t the problem. ARCHIVIST: Sor– what? BASIRA: Elias is locked up. ARCHIVIST: … Wait, Martin’s plan worked? BASIRA: Yeah. A bunch of Section’d officers took him in. He made some sort of deal, I think. But… he’s not getting out anytime soon. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. Wow. O… kay, er… Great, s–so… what’s the problem?

That surprise when being told that “Elias isn’t the problem.” dhrfcjn. YEAH, for fucking once, Elias is not The Problem. (Also immediately assuming that Elias would have done something terrible to Martin. Yes, Jon is still aware that they’re not on the greatest of terms.)

- Will Peter Lukas introduce himself to Jon right away (Elias… might have left… instructions… for when archivist!Jon would wake up…), or will he keep avoiding him entirely? So far, he had only appeared when Jon was kidnapped, when Jon was in America, and when Jon was in a coma, so. (Get Martin back!! ;;)

- *WHIMPERS LOUDLY* at Jon!!! Surprised that Martin wasn’t there!! Noticing Martin through his absence!! And also protective/possessive!Jon when it comes to him…

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: What? Oh god, the, their plan, it’s, Martin is– Is he okay, or– … What did Elias do? […] BASIRA: He appointed an “interim” director. Guy named Peter Lukas. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. BASIRA: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: Read about him. BASIRA: Yeah, I’ve… hunted down some of his old statements and… yeah. ARCHIVIST: … What did he do to Martin? BASIRA: Er, I… don’t know. We don’t see him around the Archives much these days. Best I can figure, he’s working on something with Lukas. ARCHIVIST: No, that– No, that, that… that must be something else.

… Jon sounded like he was out for blood, it’s gonna be great/terrible (last one of the original assistants alive! For now). That last line, though: is Jon not believing that Martin could collaborate with someone who is this much Very Bad News, or is something in Jon seeing the whole situation as Martin betraying the Institute/Beholding by working for another cluster…? I kinda hope that we’ll focus on Melanie first, though, since 1°) she’s accessible, 2°) she had blamed her entrapment on Jon (MAG102), 3°) she already had it bad before The Unknowing and the last time we heard her was when she relented after spitting that they should still kill Elias. She only shared her India war ghosts story riiight before Jon left for The Unknowing, they’ll have to… deal with that bullet.

- … I do wonder if Martin is actually leaving the Archives for random missions/working on that thing, or if he’s actually there, in the Archives… but in the Lonely dimension from MAG092’s statement, inaccessible to the others. If Martin sometimes passes by, it could be for recharging, to not end up like Tim? ;; (Though I always wondered if Tim had been a special case, and Elias basically dragged him back to the Institute because he wanted all the assistants to be there when Jon would come back?)

- Cheers, Jon has been in a coma for six months! Which means that his last birthday either happened during the coma, either while he was on the run from the police / kidnapped by Nikola / being sent here and there by Elias to get information to stop the Unknowing (cross out the wrong options). Jon, what’s your life. HE WOKE UP FOR THE INSTITUTE’S BIRTHDAY!! The Magnus Institute is now 200 years old!!! I wonder if they’ll throw a party.

#tl;dr 'AAAAAAAAAHHHH'#mag122 #the magnus archives #4 #5 #tma spoilers/#tma season 4 #tma liveblog

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hiddlesgirl · 5 years

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SH 311: Lost Souls

After a torturously long 9 month hiatus, Shadowhunters is finally back! I am so excited. This was a great mid-season premiere: packed with action, heartbreak and tender moments. Now it was slightly choppy, jumping from scene to scene and almost ending certain scenes too abruptly, but that’s understandable because we have eight main characters to catch up with in a short amount of time. That being said it was still an amazing episode that made me cry, laugh and smile.

The episode opens with Alec, Izzy and Jace on a mission together; even though it was a short scene I really liked it because I love seeing these three siblings on missions together, and it’s a little reminiscent of Season 1. Plus, they haven’t really been on a routine mission together (that hasn’t involved life threatening situations for at least one of them) for quite a while.

It is abundantly clear that Jace is spoiling for a fight; his moves are more aggressive and uncoordinated than usual; even though he is up against what appears to be a Seelie Knight he is bested much faster and easier than usual. His emotions are getting in the way and interfering with his concentration.

With no hesitation he runs head on into the Seelie’s spear with the clear intention to injure himself even despite Alec and Izzy’s presence, he is in complete self destruct mode. Before walking away he tells Izzy that if it wasn’t for him Clary would still be alive. We all knew that he was going to take her ‘death’ extremely hard, especially with the actions of the Owl hanging over his head. He feels that her death is his fault and is determined to punish himself for it in whatever way he deems fit right now.

I would like to touch on the fact that we seemed to have completely glossed over Alec’s injury at the end of 310, for it being such a big emotional thing in the last half of the episode it is slightly disappointing that we didn’t get to see the direct aftermath. I understand a small time jump but I also don’t like Alec being hurt simply for the sake of an emotional scene and then not seeing the moments after. But it seems like whenever a Shadowhunters gets injured lately an Iratze completely erases it a moment later (e.g Clary landing on the car and now Jace getting run through with a spear).

Also, it also bugs me a little the inconsistency with the Parabatai bond; such as in Season 2 Alec felt Jace cut his hand but in this scene Alec doesn’t even flinch at Jace being stabbed. It just is a bit annoying that they keep placing this huge emotional weight in the bond (especially from Alec’s side) and then being inconsistent with the details of it. At the end of the day it’s something I can put to one side to enjoy the show, but it’s still a little annoying.

The next scene is an absolutely heartbreakingly beautiful montage of Simon, Magnus and Jace thinking about Clary. It’s so beautifully put together from the editing of the flashbacks, to the amazing acting, to the breathtaking song that they use (Lost Without You by Freya Ridings). It hasn’t failed to make me cry yet and I’ve already watched it five times.

Firstly, Simon’s absolutely devastated and swimming in guilt; he believes that he killed Clary, that the mark on his head killed her. You can clearly see how much it is weighing on him and his desperation to be rid of it is clear when he takes a carpenters knife to his forehead. I also think the music was timed brilliantly because as the mark glows the lyrics ‘to have no control’ are sung and that completely encapsulates how Simon is feeling right now.

It completely breaks me to see Simon like this; he is in so much pain with losing Clary and his mother within hours of each other. Once again I am in awe of Alberto, he is so amazing at emotionally charged scenes and whenever Simon cries I cry too.

Magnus has covered his balcony in candles in tribute to Clary, all lit by hand, and his pain at losing her is clear. She was like a little sister to him, he watched her grow from child into the woman she became. We all know that Clary is one of those that he took under his wing (like Raphael, Simon and so many others). I hope that we get some Magnus and Simon interaction in the upcoming episode because I love their dynamic plus I think that they would be a really great support for each other right now.

Seeing Jace cry really hits me because he presents himself a such a stoic character that anytime he breaks down I break down a little too. You can see how much he loves Clary and how much he misses her, plus he feels like he can’t properly grieve because of his guilt. Again, the song timing is brilliant because during his scene the lyrics ‘I’ve been strong for so long I never thought how much I needed you’ are sung, and that is so true for Jace.

Clary is alive! (But we knew that already). She is definitely not happy that Lilith’s plan to resurrect Jonathan has succeeded, he may be her brother but after everything he has done and all the hurt he has caused she is not welcoming him with open arms. Jonathan on the other hand seems to be very eager to please, with multiple offers of breakfast; referring to her as his little sister, his family, more than once. He is trying to endear himself to her by using words that evoke positive feelings in her, he knows how strongly she feels about people she calls family so he is hoping that by driving home their blood connection she will come around to seeing him as such.

When Clary returns his sentiment of them being the only family they each have left you can see the micro-expression of hope of his face, Luke Baines is definitely very good at expressing without much facial movement and I am looking forward to his portrayal of Jonathan. I also noticed that Clary and Jonathan have the Iratze rune in the same place, the right side of the neck, just flipped; I think that this is a very interesting little detail, I wonder if it is something from the books or was a choice made with the makeup team? If anyone knows please let me know.

First Malec scene of 3B! Who else is screaming? Just me ... okay. Although it is only a few seconds long it is a beautiful little moment, we are getting our first look at how much Magnus life has changed now that he is without his magic. Alec reassuring him that he doesn’t need to go to the trouble of applying makeup because he is beautiful the way he is, is everything I needed; I love that Alec is reaffirming that he finds Magnus beautiful. Also that cheek kiss is adorable and long overdue in my opinion (we have waited so long for a sweet cheek kiss).

I also like that when Magnus explains, in a roundabout way, that having eyeliner makes him feel more like himself Alec accepts that. He knows that with everything that has happened Magnus needs some semblance of normalcy, even if that means taking an eternity to apply eyeliner.

It is clear that Simon is absolutely drowning in his guilt over Clary and believes that her death is his fault, Maia is trying to reassure and help him but it seems that she may be struggling with knowing how to help him best. She has never seen him in the state before, and didn’t live through these events with him, so is a little lost about how to help. For Simon, while he understands why she left and need space, really needed support and the person he was dating wasn’t there; he isn’t accusing her or trying to make her feel guilty, just expressing his feelings of needing her.

For Maia, she definitely needed that time to process and I don’t blame her for that at all, the situation with Jordan is messed up and she needed to do what was best for her at that time. But I think that she also understand that she wasn’t there when Simon needed her which has caused a bit of a rift. While they are sitting near each other the scene lacks intimacy and there definitely feels like there’s a slight disconnect.

This is a difficult situation because Maia did what she needed to do and in that time Simon went through some terrible things during which he need support from those he cares about. There is no one to blame, life just happened and it’s no one’s fault.

We know that the escaped prisoners play a big part in 3B especially for Izzy and I think that this is going to be a very interesting storyline; Izzy has always rebelled against the Clave’s view of Downworlders and is very steadfast in her beliefs about justice. I am looking forward to her investigating these allegations of torture at the Gard, it will be great to see her get a complex and important storyline that will impact the Shadow World greatly.

I feel a lot of sympathy for Jace because not only is he grieving for his grandmother (who he only knew for a few short weeks) and the woman he is in love with but he is also trying to process all the memories from the Owl. He knows that they weren’t his actions but he has to deal with the memories inside his head and the knowledge that his body was used to hurt people. He is a whirlwind of pain, anger, grief, guilt and is at a loss at how to deal with it all; especially because in the past he has repressed emotions.

I love his moment with Izzy, she misses Clary too; she was her friend, her sister. She knows that Jace needs comfort and someone to share his grief with, but she also knows that she can’t understand the full extent of his grief. I think that her expressing these emotions with help Jace a lot, that someone is acknowledging his pain and effectively saying that everything he’s feeling is okay. The little kiss Jace bestows on her hand is so adorable, and I love seeing their bond more because we have had some wonderful moments between Alec and Jace or Izzy and Alec, but not so much between Izzy and Jace; so I really look forward to seeing more scenes between them and their sibling bond.

I absolutely love the scene between Magnus, Alec and Madzie; it is so cute, Alec reading to her and Magnus watching fondly. I also love that Madzie has come so far out of her shell since we first met her in 205, she has become much more outgoing with the support of Catarina, Magnus and Alec.

I feel for Magnus when he cannot create a nightlight, you can feel not only his sense of loss for not being able to perform magic but also at not being able to do it for Madzie. But he is so proud of her when she creates her own, you can see his love for her and their goodnight exchange is so sweet. My whole heart is bursting at the adorableness of this scene.

Alec is once again expressing his support for Magnus adjusting to his new reality, validating his feelings and making sure Magnus knows that he is there to support him. I giggled so much at Alec’s expression when Magnus refuses to kiss him because of Madzie, he is so put out at not being able to kiss his boyfriend. It really shows how far he has come in that he feels so comfortable using the word boyfriend and that he hates being denied kisses; when in Season 1 he couldn’t comfortably occupy the same space or the same sofa with Magnus.

Then I outright laughed at Magnus’ line ‘Oh, you know how we get.’ Implying that they easily get carried away when kissing, it’s so funny (as is Alec’s reaction) but also hints at the passion they have for each other which I love.

Unfortunately, Iris interrupts their cosy night in plans by trying to take Madzie; what I really like is that despite the fact that Iris had raised Madzie she does not want to leave with her, telling her ‘Nana, no’. This shows that Madzie is happy with Catarina (plus Magnus and Alec) and that given the choice she would choose her new guardian; she has this new support system of people who love and support her whereas before she really only had Iris.

My heart clenches when Magnus throws out his hand and nothing happens, you can see the confusion change into disbelief, realisation and then defeat at not being able to defend Madzie. She runs straight to him, clearly feeling safe with him powers or no powers, but Magnus is clearly devastated at feeling helpless and failing in protecting her.

In planning to find Iris Alec wants Magnus to stay behind, he has just seen the reality of Magnus losing his powers; him not being able to defend himself. Alec is afraid of Magnus getting hurt, especially because they know how ruthless Iris is and that she will do anything to get Madzie back. But Magnus refuses to stay behind; he is not willing to stay on the sidelines and is prepared to do whatever it takes to protect Madzie. Alec relents because he knows that if he was in Magnus’ position he wouldn’t stay behind either, they are so similar in that respect; when it comes to protecting the people they love they will do whatever it takes no matter the risk to themselves.

I like that Alec makes the point of telling Jace that he is acting irresponsibly; so many people made sacrifices to save him from Lilith, Magnus lost his magic, Luke and Simon risked their lives (not to mention Izzy and Alec risking their lives, and Alec the Parabatai bond, in 308). It would be disrespectful to them to throw away his life after everything; plus Clary would not want him to do this to himself and using his grief for as an excuse to hurt himself is a disgrace to her memory.

I know that some people didn’t like how Alec handled this scene and that he should have been easier on him; but I think that Alec handled it perfectly. Jace needed someone to tell him the truth, not to sugar coat it, he needed a firm hand to snap him out of his rut. In addition, Alec cannot just act as a brother but also as a leader, as the Head of the Institute, he cannot allow an emotional and reckless person into the field especially when they are showing self harming tendencies. He knows that for his health Jace needs to take a break to process.

Plus, Izzy has already reached out with comfort and I don’t think Jace would have responded to it from Alec at that point. I like that the two scenes also sort of reflect Izzy and Alec’s relationships with Clary. For Izzy, she was always there to comfort, support and love Clary; they had a very close friendship. But with Alec, his relationship with Clary was more reluctant siblings; but their bond was always based on honesty, even if it was brutal.

Izzy tells Maia about what happened with Heidi, it is understandable that Maia didn’t know about this because it’s not something Simon would have felt comfortable talking about, especially so soon after. Again, this was a scene that divided opinions for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I don’t think Izzy was accusing her when she commented on Maia not being here; I think that she was simply stating that she could not have known the entire situation because she wasn’t there to witness and live through it. This situation was always going to be difficult and awkward because I think that they understand that Maia needed space to be by herself and process her own things but she didn’t live through what happened.

Secondly, the slight contradiction of Izzy saying she has needed to be alone but that she is the sort of person who needs to be around other people, like Simon. I know that some people felt that it was more about further pushing Simon and Izzy together by giving them things in common rather than it being true for Izzy. However, while it is a little contradicting I think that Izzy does and has felt both.

When she was going through her addiction she needed that space for herself in the beginning but she began dealing with her recovery with Alec, she was able to recover better when she was surrounded by people she loved. Just because she has felt the need to be alone, and has sometimes acted on those feelings, doesn’t mean that when things get difficult she deals with it best when surrounded by people she cares about.

I need more Izzy, Alec and Magnus going on missions together; I just need more Izzy and Magnus scenes full stop. They always have such wonderful little interactions that I really want them to have a more in depth scene together. I love Magnus with a sword, and the holster he is wearing is gorgeous; I love how he deflected Iris’ attacks with it.

Jonathan and Clary have a conversation about how being raised influences who you become; Clary, raised by Jocelyn, has a strong moral compass and is generally a well balanced person; Jace, raised by Valentine, is a good person but he has some difficulty with emotion and the prejudices he was raised with (those Valentine instilled about Downworlders, I’m referring to Season 2 when under trail of the Soul Sword he said ‘yes and no’ when asked about believing in Valentine’s quest to eradicate the Downworld); Jonathan, raised by Valentine and Lilith, is emotionally stunted and has a very skewed moral compass.

When you look at how he was raised and what he has been through you can understand why he has difficultly showing emotion appropriately, issues with anger and a desperate yearning for love but not really knowing how to get it. I read that Luke actually worked with a profiler to help construct a profile for a real person who would have experienced the kind of traumas Jonathan went though. I think that this is brilliant because it helps you get a better understanding of a person and gives real world context; it also shows his dedication to portraying him authentically.

Luke is breaking my heart, his desperation and hope is clear in his wall of clues, his demeanour and his stuttering when rushing around to show Jace his work. He seems to be in complete denial over Clary’s death, has been working for three days straight to put together all these little clues on the small hope that his daughter is still alive. He loves her so entirely and he is not ready to let her go easily especially so soon after losing Jocelyn.

I’m a little sad to learn that we won’t be seeing Ollie and Sam again as they have been relocated, but it is understandable character wise. But Luke being so separate from the pack, and later leaving to find Clary, is going to cause a real strain on his relationship with the pack and is going to put his status as Alpha under threat.

We get a small glimpse into Magnus’ past when Iris infiltrates his memories; there is so much pain in them that it breaks your heart, moments from his childhood with blood on his hands are interesting because did they happen while he was with Asmodeus? I love that when he thinks of Alec and the Omamori charm it effectively kicks Iris out of his head, Alec said it would protect him and it did. I really hope that we continue to explore Magnus past.

Alec feels guilty about Magnus being taken because he didn’t insist on Magnus staying behind, what he feared has happened. He is scared because he knows how ruthless Iris is and that she is probably hurting Magnus right now but there is nothing he can do.

We find out that Raphael has taken up residence in Detroit and he seems to be genuinely remorseful for not only his direct actions but Heidi’s actions too; he feels responsible for all the hurt she has caused because he is the one was made sure she turned. I in no way excuse what he did, it was terrible and cruel, but he does appear to want to make any amends that he can to start to repair all the hurt he has caused. I would really like to see him apologise to Magnus for lying to him because we know that have an extremely close bond and we all felt betrayed when he lied to him, especially involving his sister.

Is it just me that finds it a little hilarious that the oldest vampire in New York, possibly the world, lives in the sewers? I get the need to hide away from other but surely there’s a more comfortable place? I guess we’ll find out in 312.

The second round of Magnus’ memories really hurts because they are all about his losing people he loved; the necklace he gave Camille, George, Alec in 2B and his mother. I also find the order of the memories interesting, are they in the order that hurt the most? I wonder if this was intentional or if they were just randomly put together.

This time he uses the memory of defeating Iris in 208 to kick her out of his head; I admire him so much in this scene because despite how much pain he is in he refuses to give up and is determined to keep Madzie safe. When Iris gets the note from Catarina he does appear genuinely worried but I think that he doesn’t completely realise it’s a trap because he is confused and in pain from what Iris was doing to him; if he was thinking straight I think that he would have know right away, but you can’t blame him for being disorientated. Plus being faced with the possibility of Madzie going back to Iris, which he has endured so much pain to prevent, would feel devastating.

Of course it’s a trap, Izzy being a complete badass rescuing her brother in law. While I did find it a little out of character for Magnus to seem to go after Iris after she’s been restrained I think that it was because he was in pain, angry and feeling humiliated; all that emotion was directed at Iris and he wanted to lash out.

Alec holds him back and they have a sweet little reunion moment; Magnus’ desperation to make Alec understand that he did everything he could to protect Madzie is heart breaking because he feels the need stress that he tried to protect her. Alec is just relieved he is back and knows that Magnus would have done everything in his power to prevent Iris finding Madzie, that was never in question.

Iris is taken back to the Gard, now I do feel that this storyline was a little rushed but I also understand why. There is going to be a lot happening in the coming episodes so they really needed to get this out of the way beforehand; if they hadn’t have gotten Iris out of the way now we would have questioned where she was and why she hadn’t come for Madzie in later episodes.

I am so happy that Consul Penhallow pardons Clary of her crimes and you can see the relief from Alec, it is going to mean so much to everyone that her memory isn’t burdened by those charges. However, she is not a fan of Alec’s which is slightly understandable but not justified; which is clearly felt in Alicante. When Izzy brings up the torture of prisoners the Consul denies it, but there is a hesitation and definitely something off about her demeanour; this storyline is definitely going to be very interesting.

We see the Seelie that they captured being restrained by unknown individuals, he remarks that it isn’t the Gard; it makes you wonder if they have taken him somewhere separate because of what he told Izzy and they are worried. But what the fuck are they doing to him? I have no idea what they are injecting him with but the way his body reacts reminds me of Luke from the Freeform trailer, he also had glowing veins and eyes which makes me extremely scared.

The speculations of Luke becoming a Shadowhunters again did make me wonder if the Clave are testing way of purifying demon blood as a way of getting rid of Downworlders? Instead of killing them, they turn them into mundanes? This may be completely wrong but it was just a thought that I had when connecting the Seelie with Luke and those rumours.

Alec is so proud of Magnus for being able to withstand Iris and keep Madzie safe; he knows that it must have been so difficult for Magnus to partially relive those memories (parallel to 212 anyone? Ouch). But Magnus feels ashamed that he wasn’t able to stop her directly and got injured because he wasn’t able to defend himself against her attack. He isn’t used to being physically vulnerable; it is frustrating and makes him feel more vulnerable than he has in long time.

Alec doesn’t allow Magnus to avoid the conversation and follows him around the room, he won’t let Magnus shut him out or believe that he is useless; he knows that Magnus is so full of inner strength and power, he needs to make Magnus understands and sees that as Alec does. You can see that Magnus is grateful and touched that Alec sees him that way and that kiss is wonderful, plus we finally get to see it in a wide shot; we see them embracing each other, Magnus’ hand on Alec’s waist and them moving into each other. It’s such wonderful soft intimacy that I just wish they had better lighting, it is very annoying that time and again their kisses are ruined because we can’t see them properly. Get an extra lamp in there for angels’ sake.

When Magnus pulls away you can see Alec’s face fall, he wants to be able to comfort Magnus and is trying everything he can; from verbal comfort to physical comfort. He keeps questioning Magnus to get to the route of Magnus’ emotions, he wants him to open up and stop bottling up his emotions. He knows that getting them out in the open will make him feel better, plus Alec may be able to understand better and even help.

Magnus feels humiliated because he is so used to being the caretaker that it is a complete reversal to have people take care of him; he has always been so self sufficient that it is an alien feeling to rely on others so heavily. He doesn’t want to feel like a burden to anyone. I adore Alec, ‘You’ve been taking care of others your whole life. Sometimes it’s okay to let others take care of you’. He understands that feeling because he also used to refuse to let people help him but he knows that it’s better to take help when you need it and to let people be there for you. Again, this shows how much Alec has grown that not only does he allow other people to help him and rely on them, but he is advising Magnus to do the same and wants to be the one he leans on.

Magnus is determined to hone his fighting skills so that he can protect himself better because while he can fight he is so used to relying on his magic that he needs to retrain his body to defend himself without it. Alec, of course, offers and I love the flirty way he says it and the flirty vibe they both move into; plus I love Alec’s little accent slip ‘So, what d’ya say I help ya out’, definitely more New York than his usual voice. I am so excited for the training scene next week, we’re not going to survive.

While Simon and Izzy try to find the vampire in the sewers Maia is going to check in with the pack; she knows that Luke is going to be struggling right now and after being away for about a week she wants to see how they are. The whole scene feels a little awkward and stilted, like they don’t know how to be around each other. Even though they reassure each other they will always be there for the other there definitely seems to be a disconnect. Apart from their initial hug they haven’t really touched each other, even casually; you can see that a rift has definitely formed in their romantic relationship.

Clary, in a bid to escape, stabs Jonathan in the jaw; unfortunately she inherits the wound. This is the absolutely confirmation that when Jonathan is injured Clary will get the same injury, it is yet to be seen if the reverse is true; if Clary is injured will Jonathan inherit it? You can see the horror on her face when realising that they are so intrinsically connected, that it is not going to be as easy to get rid of him this time around.

I have a lot of questions about steles though, when I first saw the scene I presumed he was using Clary’s stele but it actually looks like Alec’s. Is that the generic stele style? Are there a few different styles and all Shadowhunters just have one of the few designs? Because Alec, Izzy, Clary and Jace’s stele’s all look different.

Plus, where did he get it? Did Lilith acquire it? Did the Owl steal it? Where is Clary’s stele? Does Jonathan have it (I presume he does)?

So, to sum up, yes the episode was a little rushed but that it completely understandable with the amount of characters we had to catch up with in such a short amount of time. I think it was a great episode, with emotional scenes but also some very sweet moments. Definitely a fantastic start to 3B.

In 312, Morgenstern siblings in Paris, Clace reunite (hopefully Luke and Clary too), Sizzy on a mission and the long awaited (a whole freaking year) Malec training scene. I am screaming!

#SH 311 Review #Shadowhunters #Lost Souls #SH 311 #Shadowhunters Review #SH 3x11 #This was longer than I expected #oops #and I'm posting a few days later than planned #double oops #SH311 #SH3x11 #Shadowhunters 311 #Shadowhunters 3x11

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jxpper · 6 years

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Head to Head (If You Can Hear Me)

Joyce comes head to head with her worst fears

This is part of the Skin to Skin series! (click below to catch up)

Read Series on AO3 Here

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[1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

wc:1932

rating: t

angst & romance

"And if you can hear me, I love you."

It was a fight. One of their rare but silly little arguments that left them both hot-headed and frustrated. Joyce couldn't remember what the fight was even about, all she knew was that Hopper stormed off to do what he usually did when he was pissed - drive around. Since he had quit drinking when Molly was born, he had been working on ways to channel his anger safely and driving seemed to be the winner. He'd cruise around for 15 minutes and come back with a whole new attitude.

Joyce had promised herself that when she and Hopper got together that she wouldn't allow them to fight around the kids like her and Lonnie. Hopper respected and agreed, so the back steps were usually where opinions aired.

It wasn't a serious fight, just a small argument but it always stung the same way. At least she knew Hopper would come back, Lonnie would take days to return and he usually smelled like a brewery and Astroglide when he finally did. So each time Hopper stormed off, Joyce just kept going about her day and expected him back for dinner. And he always was.

That was the only thing that was different this time. Even when the rare fights occurred, he always came back fifteen minutes later. Not a second earlier nor a second later. Joyce could feel guilt starting to swell in the bottom of her stomach when she set the dinner plates down at the table. Where was he? The kids were starting to get suspicious and she couldn't stall the questions much longer.

It had been thirty minutes now. Fifteen more than usual when he was expected to return. Joyce already had her apology and compromise mapped out in her head but Hopper was nowhere to be seen. Who knows, maybe he caught someone speeding while he was out and had to take care of it. At least that's what Joyce was telling herself to avoid the thoughts of 'Maybe he isn't coming back this time.' He always comes back.

Joyce fastened Molly into her high chair and just as she and the kids sat down at the table, a knock at the front door startled her. Finally, a sense of relief flooded into her stomach, carrying away the fear with it. "For the last time Hopper, this is your house. You don't have to kno-" she stopped dead in her tracks as she opened the door to see a totally different face.

"Excuse me, ma'am is this the house of Chief Jim Hopper?" a tall man with piercing dark eyes stood in her doorway, clad in an Indiana State Trooper uniform. Joyce's heart must've quit right then and there because she could no longer breathe.

"Y-yes," she stumbled on her words. "I'm his wife. Is everything okay? Did he do something wrong?" a million scenarios rushed through Joyce's head while she convinced herself to breathe again. State trooper knocking on the Chief's door? That was never good news.

"Mom, who is it?" Joyce could hear Jane yell from the kitchen. "Just a minute sweetheart," she called back before turning to face the trooper again. "I'm sorry, what happened to Hopper?"

"Ma'am, there's been an accident. You'll need to come with us." His words went right over Joyce's head after 'accident'. 'Hopper was in an accident? That's why he wasn't home? Oh God, did I cause this? Is he alright? Is he alive?' A million thoughts ran through her head at a million miles per hour. She couldn't form the right words to say, she could only stand there with her mouth agape and speechless.

"Ma'am we really need to go." the Trooper tried to motion for her to move but she stood there, her feet stuck to the ground like she was sinking in quicksand. Why was this happening? What had happened? Was he hit by a drunk driver? Did he swing off the quarry? Was he distracted from the fight? Just as Joyce was about to follow the Trooper, Jonathan and Will peaked their heads around the corner from the kitchen to see who was at the door.

"Jonathan, watch your siblings. I'll be back in a little while." Joyce called out, fighting back the tears in her eyes as she shut the door behind her.

"What just happened?" Will asked, looking up at his brother. "I don't know but it looks like she was trying to catch the last chopper out of Saigon."

___

Joyce bit her nails anxiously the entire way to the hospital. The Troopers said they couldn't tell her what happened just yet, which only made her nerves chill colder. All she wanted to know was if he was alive but apparently they couldn't tell her that either. Rain poured down the tinted windows of the police vehicle, each droplet illuminating as they passed the street lights.

She remembered this feeling from before; pure dread as the ambulance had taken Will to the lab the night they burned the vines. She remembered the adrenaline coursing through her veins and the uncertainty in her mind. It was déjà vu at its finest.

It felt like an eternity before they finally arrived at the hospital, and by then a million Troopers couldn't have stopped her from running into the building. It felt like a drama movie. A woman running into a hospital in slow motion, a dreary blue filter on the film, and depressing piano music in the background.

Running through the ER, she saw a group of Troopers crowded by the nurse's station. Powell and Callahan stood up from the waiting room chairs when they saw Joyce arrive. The looks in their eyes made her heart sink lower and lower. There was suddenly no air left in the room and the walls were closing in on her.

"Joyce," Powell started before she interrupted him. "Where is he?"

"Joyce, let's sit down for a mi-"

"Where is he!"

Powell took a deep breath and looked at Callahan. "He's upstairs in the ICU, but Joyce-"

"Take me to see him. Right now," she demanded, tears finally breaking their painful hold and streaming down her face. She couldn't do this, not right now. Now was not the time for everybody to play 'let's get Joyce to calm down' because it wasn't happening.

He was alive. Sort of. It didn't look like it but the nurses reassured Joyce a hundred times that he was in fact alive. He had brain activity, which apparently is a good sign. She could barely comprehend how she got here, let alone what all the medical jargon was about. He was still unconscious but his heart was beating so that was about as good as it was going to get.

It was hard for her to hold his hand, he looked so bruised and battered and she didn't want to hurt him any more than he already was. The police said that he hit a puddle and the tie rod snapped. She didn't know what that meant either but he hit a puddle and wrapped the blazer around a tree.

The guilt was overwhelming to her. Maybe he wouldn't have been in this situation if she had just agreed about whatever they were arguing about. He would've never went for a drive and he would've never ended up here. They tried to tell her it wasn't her fault but she couldn't bring herself to believe it.

"If you can hear me right now, I'm sorry," she whispered softly under the sound of a beeping monitor. "I'm sorry for being so stubborn, and I'm sorry for being difficult. I've seen the movies and they always say the same things but now I don't know what to say. I'm sorry for the things I've said, today and times before. I'm sorry that this happened to you and I'm sorry for not being the best wife I could be."

"If you can hear me, you need to get through this. You can't leave us behind, Hop. Jonathan, Will, Jane, and Molly love you too much for you to go right now. You've got too many proms and soccer games and field trips left with them. You've got too many game nights and homework assignments left to do with them. You've got too many Christmases and birthdays left to spend with them. You've got too many heartbreaks to avenge and tears left to dry. If you can't pull through this for me, do it for them."

"If you can hear me, I wish I had said things before that I didn't. I wish I had said 'I love you' to you in fourth grade when you kissed me on the monkey bars. I wish I had said yes to go to Snow Ball with you. I wish I had said 'drive carefully' to you on the mornings you left for work. I wish I had a chance to say goodbye when you left for Vietnam. I wish I had said yes to the camping trip you wanted to take last July. I wish I had said yes to every experience I could've spent with you."

"If you can hear me, I need you to know I still cherish every moment I've spent with you. I still laugh when I think about the time you threw me in the pool when I told you not to. I still smile when I think about the fairy lights we wrapped around the trees for our wedding; and how we sat under them at midnight. I still feel my heart pound when I remember the first kiss that we had shared after 20 years apart. I still chuckle when I think about the time we visited the pumpkin patch when we were fifteen and you stepped in a rotten pumpkin. I still cry when I think about the smile on your face when Molly was born. I still feel my heart melt when I remember how you would climb in Molly's crib when she couldn't sleep. I still love every waking moment I've spent by your side."

"If you can hear me, those are just a handful of the reasons why I need you to stay with me; with our kids. I still need you to hold me every night. I still need you to kiss me every morning with your awful morning breath. I still need you to miss the hamper when you throw your clothes on the floor. I still need to accidentally step on your shoes everytime I come in the door. I still need you to smile at me through the window when I'm at work. I still need you to sing Molly to sleep when she misses you at night. I still need you to talk to Will about his D&D campaigns like you understand any of it. I still need you to tell Jonathan how he will be top of his class at NYU. I still need you to pretend-threaten Mike everytime he puts his arm around Jane. I still need you, Hopper. We still need you."

"And if you can hear me, I love you."

Joyce leaned out of her chair and laid her head down on his knee. She wasn't sure how long she had laid there, crying against his body, but she didn't care. She needed him and nothing would ever change that.

Just as Joyce felt her eyes about to close with drowsiness, the body that was lying still under her twitched.

"Joyce?"

#jopper #jopper fic #stranger things #strangerthings #stranger things 2 #strangerthings2 #joyce x hopper #hopper x joyce #joyce byers #joyce and hopper #hopper and joyce #jim hopper #joyce x jim #joyce and jim #jim and joyce #jim x joyce #stranger things fic

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strangerstuffandthingsimagines · 6 years

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Shattered (Jonathan Byers x Reader)

Based on around this request: Hey! Just here to give some suggestions for requests. Maybe you can write a Jonathan one where the reader is Will’s babysitter and she blames herself for Will going missing because she was supposed to pick him up from the Wheeler house but she had something to do (maybe work or something “stupid” like a date with a guy she had a slight crush on)

A/N: Thanks to the anon the suggested this! I tweaked it slightly, I hope you don’t mind. I have a few other Jonathan requests that I’ll finish up at some point this week. Thanks for all Your suggestions!! Enjoy!! also i dont have time to edit rn so I’ll go over it later, this was just a quick drabble.

Disclaimer: Don’t roast me lmfao

Warnings: Curse words, bullying

Tuesday

Will Byers had gone missing and it was your fault. At least, that’s what you convinced yourself was the truth. You asked Jonathan Byers to take your shift that night, unknowing to you that this would play a role in Wills disappearance.

The entire town was talking about it, search parties had been called and parents everywhere were on edge.

You pulled on your skirt, tucking your t-shit into the waist band. Your eyes were sore and puffy from crying, all you could do was think about how you played a role in all of this. You jogged down stairs, almost making it out the door before your mom ordered you to put a cardigan on.

“It’s cold out honey, it’s not the summer anymore.” She pestered as you pulled the sweater on hurriedly making your way out the door.

It was weird how quickly things seemed to go back into the normal swing of things, quickly forgetting about the Byers boy who had gone missing just a few days ago.

You went through the motions of taking your books from your locker, although you weren’t mentally there. Your mind wandered, thinking about all the kidnaping cases that had happened in the past, all with gruesome ends.

“Y/N?” A hand waved in front of your face, snapping you out of your trance. “What’s wrong with you, we’ve been taking to you for like 5 minutes.”

Carol leaned against the locker next to yours, Tommy by her side. Steve joined the gathering that had started by your locker, closing you in.

“Guess who’s got the house for the rest of the week.” Steve said in a song song voice, dangling his house keys in your face.

“How can you guys think about getting drunk at a time like this?” You asked, slamming your locker shut.

“Your such a prude.” Carol snapped with an eye roll. “You know Jackson Manson took her out the other night and she wouldn’t even kiss him?”

“Sorry I don’t want to hook up with random people.” You retorted, folding your arms across your chest.

“You won’t even kiss anyone, that’s not hooking up.” Carol groaned, annoyed with your attitude.

“Look, I don’t care what you guys do in your down time, but I’m not comfortable with that kind of thing...especially with someone I hardly know.” You explained, irritated with her judgement. “And who names their kid Jason when their last name is Mason?”

Steve was about to interject but darted forward as Nancy and her friend Barb walked down the hall, engrossed in their study notes. Steve snatched the notes from Barbs hands, much to her dismay, and reassured them they would do fine on the test.

In all honesty, you only hung around Carol and Tommy because of Steve, who had become your cousin through marriage. He urged you to hang out with his friends, considering you didn’t know anyone else, save for a few people from work.

As Steve rambled on about his plans for this fine Tuesday eveneing, Carol interrupted.

“Oh god” She said, her voice filled with disgust. “Look.”

The group of you turned toward Carols gaze, your heart sank as you watched Jonathan post a missing child poster up on the school bulletin.

“That’s depressing.” Steve said.

Your feet carried you toward him, your mind disconnecting from your body, only guilt dictating your every move.

“Hey.” You said, barely a whisper.

“Hey.” He replied, his tired eyes trailing over to the group of people staring at your interaction, then back to you.

You stood there for a moment, an uncomfortable silence keeping you frozen in the moment, just watching one another.

“I just wanted to apologize.” You finally admitted, looking down at your hands.

He raised an eyebrow at you, confused by your apology.

“For what?” He asked, his body now completely turned toward you.

You released a shaky sigh, fidgeting with one of the rings on your thumb.

“It’s just...I don’t know...” you hesitated. “If I hadn’t called you to take my shift, maybe ... maybe Will wouldn’t have gone missing.”

Jonathan held your wrist, just for an a moment before dropping it.

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine.” He said, his voice lingered in the air.

You shook your head from side to side, you hand brushing against his.

“It’s not your fault either...I guess it’s just out of our hands.” You said before regretting it, realizing that it probably wasn’t the most comforting thing to hear.

“Could I...help you?” You asked. “With the flyers I mean, and to help you search for him.”

A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. “Sure, that’d be really nice.” He said giving you a small nod.

The bell rang and the two of you said your goodbyes, a small glint of hope sparked within you.

Wednesday.

“Steve, why are you guys still waiting around?” You asked, approaching his car. “I told you I could walk home.”

Steve gave you a look, he was clearly upset about something as his jaw was set in a hard line.

“Your little boyfriend, Jonathan, is a creep.” He spat, his eyes narrowing into a squint. “Nicole caught him developing some of his photos, he took pictures of Nancy through my window.”

Your eyes widened as Steve’s accusation, confused by it really.

“What are you on about?” You asked as you hair blowing into your eyes, the wind picking up.

“Oh look here he comes now.” Steve announced, clearly making a show out of it. “Hey man, Nicole here was telling us about your work.”

Jonathan gave a confused look, evidently nervous. Tommy grabbed his bag and tossed it to Steve, much to Jonathan’s protests.

“Steve, give it back to him.” You urged, trying to grab the bag from his hands. Steve pulled out a pile of photographs, taunting Jonathan. “Steve your acting like a prick.”

“Look.” Steve said, tossing the photos to you. “He got some pictures of you too.”

You looked at the photo that Steve presented to you, caught off guard, you gave a perplexed look to Jonathan. As you flipped through the others, you could feel the tips of your ears become hot. There was a lot of pictures of you, just lounging in one of the chairs, not paying attention to anyone else. You finally came across the Nancy photo, her back to the window as she took of her soaked shirt.

You held them to your chest looking up, staring at Jonathan.

“We gotta get rid of the perverts toy.” Steve said, grabbing Jonathan’s camera and smashing it against the cement.

You clasped your hand to your mouth, gasping as the pieces splinters at your feet.

Tommy snatched the photos from you and handed them to Steve, like an obedient dog. Steve tore the photographs apart and threw them at Jonathan, he flinched in response.

Steve and his lackey’s sauntered off, leaving you and Jonathan alone.

“I’m so sorry.” You muttered, your eyes wide with shock.

The two of you quietly picked up the broken pieces of his camera, the sound of his hitched breathing mixed with the swirl of leaves.

“I didn’t mean to be creepy.” He whispered, his voice shaking. “I swear I’m not some voyeur, I just thought they made good pictures.”

“Jonathan, you don’t have to explain yourself.” You interjected. “I know your not malicious, really don’t worry about it. I’ll talk to Steve, he’s a complete idiot sometimes but he’s got a good heart.”

Jonathan scoffed, shoving the torn pieces into his backpack.

“Oh yeah, real stand up guy.” He said sarcastically. “Why do you hang out with him anyways? You don’t fit in with their group, you seem like you actually have a soul.”

You stood up, brushing off the dirt from your knees.

“My Mom married his uncle, like a year ago, and we moved here to be closer to his family’s business.” You clarified, your mouth forming a tight line. “Not exactly an ideal situation to be in.”

Jonathan, now on his feet, gave you a shrug. “So your an honorary Harrington then?”

“It’s my cross to bare.” You quipped, hand placed over your heart dramatically.

“Oh, I printed some more flyers at lunch.” You added, reaching into your bag for the flyers, “I thought we could post them around town.”

Jonathan beamed at your gesture, he was flattered by your kindness.

“Thank you...for everything.” He said in shy voice.

To be continued? I’m not sure if this is good or not, I wrote it to take a break from my other WIP’s that I was feeling stuck on. Sorry it’s kind of short, I’m not sure how I feel about it TBH

#jonathan byers x reader #SSATJonathan #jonathan byers #stranger things imagine #stranger things 2 imagine #stranger things #steve harrington x reader

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nancykali · 6 years

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Stancy and Monster Hunting Trio headcanons post-season 1 and post-season 2

If Stoncy (Steve x Nancy x Jonathan) wasn’t canon before season 2 (which it is, I’m writing it) this is how I think things would go with the monster hunting trio drama (in a nutshell)

Disclaimer: this is messy af and I just wrote it quickly to make myself feel better

Between November 1983 and October 1984 (post season 1)

Steve defends her against any of their peers, especially Tommy and Carol, calling her a slut

Steve teams up with Jonathan without Nancy knowing to shut down the rumors that she “sleeps around” –which are mostly caused by the graffiti on the theater sign, but also Tommy and Carol being shitheads

Steve gets teased for being a cuckold and letting Nancy cheat on him, but he doesn’t care, because he knows she didn’t and he, Jonathan, and Nancy had a healthy discussion together about it and Steve knows the truth

Steve apologized to Nancy repeatedly about the theater sign. He accepted that she needed space in the weeks after they fought the monster. Nancy still loved him, but she was hurting and confused and grief-stricken, both about Barb and for having feelings for Jonathan, and also hurt that Jonathan seemed to be ignoring her

When Nancy finally tells Steve she forgives him and she wants to be with him, Steve can’t believe his luck. He knows he doesn’t deserve her forgiveness, but selfishly he’s so grateful to have her back. He knows from that day on he’ll do anything for Nancy, and he’ll always love her.

It’s the beginning of December, the week before finals. For days after they’re officially together again, Nancy just cries with Steve in his car after school, unable to talk about Barb, agonizing over not being able to tell Barb’s parents. Steve doesn’t know what to say, but he always holds her as she cries and tells her she can tell him anything.

Nancy never cries around Steve, or anyone, after that week. Her guilt is so great that she barely speaks about Barb from that point. She tells herself Steve doesn’t deserve to be constantly reminded of it, it’s not his fault she chose to send Barb away that night. She quietly punishes herself, for months, agonizing over what she can do.

Between October 1984 and January 1985 (during and post-season 2)

After Steve tells her in the library to act like everything is okay, to go to the Halloween party and act like a stupid teenager, she resolves to do just that. She tells herself Steve is right, she can’t expect that he would agree with her that they should tell Barb’s parents. But there’s a quiet anger in her chest that she’s afraid to acknowledge.

The night of the party, after Jonathan takes Nancy home, he decides to lie to Nancy if she asks about what happened tonight. He knows what it’s like to feel guilt over losing someone. Nancy doesn’t deserve to lose Steve over this, no matter what she said to Steve at the party.

After their argument in the alley, Nancy is afraid to go after Steve. She runs what he said through her mind, over and over, what she said to him when she was drunk. Words she can’t even remember, but the way Steve said them, they sound so eerily familiar. They’re things she’s told herself on the worst nights, when the nightmares wake her, when the insomnia keeps her awake. She’d told herself so many times she didn’t deserve Steve, she didn’t deserve anything, because Barb was dead and she wasn’t. And she couldn’t tell anyone what it felt like to lose her best friend. She couldn’t talk to Steve about it anymore because it just would hurt both of them.

“We killed Barb.” She hated herself for saying that to him. Steve had done nothing wrong but love her. But how could she deserve his love after this? She had been tired of pretending, she couldn’t anymore. But she had never pretended to love Steve. But was her love for him wrong? Did her love for Steve kill Barb? Was it even love? Was it just her guilt? She didn’t know. She didn’t know anymore. That’s why she couldn’t answer him when he said “tell me that you love me”. He didn’t understand. She didn’t know because Barb’s death was always at the front of her mind, shadowing everything else. She’d tried to act, for so long she tried to act like it was all fine, that Barb wasn’t dead. But it was a lie. She couldn’t separate lies from truth anymore.

The anger returns full force. Against herself, against Steve, against the lab. The lab. It’s all their fault. She’d lost Barb because of them. She’d lost Steve because of them. She has to do something. Steve was right. She was bullshit. But she was going to change that.

The night at Murray’s, Nancy keeps thinking “I don’t retreat. I retreated with Steve, I pushed him away because of my guilt, but I will confront these feelings for Jonathan. I won’t hide them like I did with Steve and let them hurt me anymore,” and in the back of her mind she repeats “do I love Steve? Why would Murray think I don’t love him? Why would I pretend to love someone? Was I pretending?” and she has to keep shoving the questions down because she has to prove something to herself, and keep reassuring herself that their plan will work, that the lab will fucking burn to the ground and Barb’s parents will know at least part of the truth.

She and Jonathan don’t have sex. She kisses him for the longest time and fights back tears. And finally she tells him. She tells him as much as she can about what has been on her mind since that stupid argument in the alley. How she can’t stop thinking she’s been lying to herself this whole time, about loving Steve, about blaming Steve for her pain that night at the party and not meaning to. She misses Steve, but she missed Jonathan too and she hates herself for it.

And Jonathan rubs her back and says he’s sorry over and over, telling her he was an asshole for not talking to her after Will came back. And he promises he’ll help her sort everything out with Steve. Even if Steve won’t accept her apology, even if he doesn’t understand, Jonathan will be there to support her when she talks to Steve, if she wants him to.

So after the gate is closed, Jonathan goes with Nancy to talk to Steve. Nancy tells Steve everything she’s been feeling, been holding back, how she was confused and guilt-ridden but she shouldn’t have taken that out on Steve. And she tries to say she wasn’t pretending to love him, she would never pretend to love him. But that morning in the alley she was afraid to lie to him, because she didn’t know what she felt anymore.

And she breaks down crying in front of both boys, crying in front of others for the first time in months, and confesses that she loves both of them and doesn’t know what to do.

And Jonathan and Steve hug her and Steve looks at Jonathan and says “It’ll be okay, Nance. I love you too.”

And they start a poly relationship with each other and live HEA

#stancy #nancy wheeler #steve harrington #jonathan byers #jancy #stoncy #bc emotions are complicated and im tired of ppl trash talking Nancy thanks for coming to my TED talk #my writing

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hiddlesgirl · 5 years

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SH 315: To The Night Children

This was a great episode and I am glad that the show has got back into its stride after 313; the scenes were full of emotion and there was definitely a theme of conflict between doing what you feel is right and abiding by the system/laws. Magnus is receiving a far from warm welcome which while not surprising is disappointing given everything he has done for Shadowhunters, especially the NY Institute; Maia is struggling with her loss and wants justice for her pack; Clary is battling with the darker urges that the twinning rune is feeding.

We begin the episode with Heidi making a speech to the New York clan about it being their time to rule; what I really don’t understand about this entire situation is that although Heidi is charismatic and manipulative how they hell is she getting all the vampires to go along with her? I know that some will be fed up at how they are treated by the Shadowhunters but surely there are some who don’t want to cause a war or break the accords like Griffin, so why are they not speaking out? It just seems unrealistic that an entire clan of vampires are willingly following the orders of a baby vampire, following her like sheep.

I absolutely adore the Malec morning scene, such a sweet and domestic little moment. Magnus tells Alec that he slept like a rock, this is another indicator of how much not having magic affected him that as soon as he has regained it he is able to sleep. He feels so much more in his own skin and secure when he has magic, to know that he can protect himself and others, and to feel like himself gives him the ability to relax enough to sleep.

It’s very sweet that Alec fetched orange juice and coffee for Magnus so that he could have those extra few minutes of sleep because he knows how little Magnus has been sleeping. Also, the fact that Alec is getting dressed when Magnus wakes up suggests that he went to get the coffee in his sleepwear. I love that Magnus is lying on Alec’s pillow, stretched across the bed, implying that they sleep cuddled together and on each other’s chests (like in the 218 morning flashback).

Magnus is concerned about being at the Institute because he knows that Downworlders are not permitted to live there and the unrest that would cause with the other Shadowhunters. Not only is he worried about causing any trouble for Alec with the Clave or his subordinates but he is worried about their reaction to him. He knows that he is probably not going to be warmly welcomed by the majority of the Institute and he feels very out of place.

Alec wants Magnus to feel welcome and comfortable, he is so happy to be able to provide Magnus with somewhere to live and that they are living together at last that he is not willing to let anything get in the way of that. He isn’t going to let some rules stop his from helping his boyfriend and he will not tolerate anyone treating Magnus poorly, he dismisses Magnus’ concerns about the other Shadowhunters because he is confident in his position of leadership. Plus, I think that he hopes that they have adapted more opens minds when it comes to Downworlders because of his relationship with Magnus and their (Alec, Izzy, Clary) efforts to undo the prejudices.

Unfortunately, it is clear from the moment they step into the cafeteria that the Shadowhunters are not happy with Magnus’ presence, even Underhill who seemed very accepting of their relationship and didn’t seem to have any bias towards Magnus as a warlock. Magnus is clearly very uncomfortable but he stays because he doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of driving him out, also because Alec seems so confident.

Clary, Jace and Izzy are all happy and welcoming towards him; they all love him in their own way and have not objections to him living with them. When Izzy toasts him Magnus doesn’t drink from the glass, looking around at all the other Shadowhunters who are clearly not as happy as his friends. It seems that he didn’t drink not only because he felt under scrutiny but maybe because he felt out of place, like he didn’t belong. When you toast and drink with someone it is an act of solidarity and togetherness, but Magnus does not feel that in this moment, despite his friends and Alec’s reassurances.

We find out that Luke is going to be pleading guilty to the murders of the pack; you can see that he is so consumed by his guilt that he is willing to do what he deems necessary to atone for what he feels is his fault. He believes that he is responsible for their deaths because he left the pack, that he could have prevented it; now he is willing to face prison to alleviate that guilt. Fortunately for us, the sergeant knows Luke and does not believe his capable of that amount of violence.

Maia seems trapped in the trauma of the massacre which is completely understandable; she witnessed the brutal and unprovoked murder of her pack, she is trying to process what happened while dealing with her grief and anger. They were her family and she needs to make sure Heidi pays for taking them from her. Simon understands some of her hurt and anger after everything Heidi put him through, but he knows he cannot grasp the entirety of it; he wants to help her get the justice she and her pack deserves, and he knows that Heidi needs to be stopped.

Heidi shows up at the Institute to give them the names of the vampires who attacked the Jade Wolf, her entire demeanour is cultivating sympathy and putting up a front of the helpless victim. She is blaming her victims on being a new vampire and her crimes against Simon on Lilith, then bringing up Raphael to cause discourse between Alec and Izzy. Not only is she trying to get the Institute on side, to get a clean slate, but also to get rid of the current clan Leader in order to insinuate herself into the leader position in the clan.

Luke tells Clary that he is pleading guilty because he wants to keep the Shadow World secret and atone for abandoning the pack; he doesn’t want the police to dig deep because when he told Ollie it ended with more people dying and her in danger. He cannot feel responsible for any more suffering or deaths. Through the entire conversation with Clary he can barely look her in the eye, he knows that by doing this he is leaving her behind and cannot bear to watch her cry; he knows that his decision is not completely right and he might break under the pressure of Clary’s upset.

Clary is distraught that Luke seems to be making the decision to leave her, to abandon her; she needs all the support she can get right now and cannot bear the thought of being without her dad, the person who has always been there for her (I admit that I was crying, especially when she called her dad). Although she might understand why he feels guilty, she does not understand his decision to take the punishment and abandon her.

Alec is debriefing the team who are going to be arresting the vampire and wants it to be carried out by the book because they cannot afford an incident like Jordan assaulting the clan leader; and I admit that I wanted to smack Underhill for turning the another Shadowhunter and snidely remarking ‘Now he wants to do thing by the book’ referring to him letting Magnus stay at the Institute. Not only did it annoy me but it also seemed out of character because he professed his respect for Alec in 3A and now he is making scathing remarks and openly disrespecting him to others.

Alec informs Izzy that Raphael needs to be brought in despite her protests and reference for his character, not matter what she feels about him he violated the accords and needs to answer for it. Just because they have a personal connection doesn’t mean the he gets a free pass when he breaks the law, Izzy understands Alec’s view and probably agrees with him, she is just torn because she has lingering affection for Raphael.

Aline is back! And she is not happy. She is furious that they let Jonathan escape when they had such a good opportunity to not only capture him but kill him; she understands the rune but knows how difficult it is going to be to capture him. She is still angry and hurting over Sebastian’s death, she wants justice for his murder; not only that but many Shadowhunters are dying in the pursuit of Jonathan. She is resentful that people are being allowed to die to protect Clary, she feels that her cousin doesn’t matter when compared to Clary.

Maia and Simon are angry at Alec for pardoning Heidi of her crimes; they know that she is the one behind the attack, they had put their hopes on the Institute bringing her in but instead they have fallen for her lies. Alec needs proof before being able to arrest her because she wasn’t at the scene of the crime, he is willing to bring her in but he needs to be able to justify it so that she can’t wriggle out of it later.

Again I am mad at Underhill, he is being very dismissive and rude to Magnus despite him being Alec’s partner, someone Underhill professed to respect and feel gratitude towards. He is taking out his frustration on Magnus which is not right, if he has an issue with the situation he should have spoken to Alec about it instead of becoming disrespectful towards him and Magnus.

Magnus definitely feels uncomfortable because he feels like he has done something wrong just by being there, he is at the Institute out of necessity not choice and he is being treated like a leper. He doesn’t want to live their permanently anymore than they want him there, and after everything Magnus has done for the Institute in his lifetime (including taking in one of their own, Jace) it is disappointing that they cannot even show basic decency towards him.

He seems very surprised and taken aback by Underhill talking about his and Alec’s relationship issues, this is understandable because literally 30 seconds ago this Shadowhunter was telling him he doesn’t want him to live in their building and now he is discussing his relationship issues. It has to be very disconcerting to have someone you don’t know, know about your relationship issues.

Raphael is very happy to see Izzy, despite the circumstances; he understands that he has to answer for what he did and atone for those crimes. He has been trying to atone in his own way by helping at the centre and we saw him burning himself with holy water at the beginning of the episode. He knows that he did some terrible things and is prepared to pay the price for that.

Izzy is clearly upset but she knows that she has a duty to uphold the accords no matter who broke them, she seems a little relieved that Raphael isn’t resentful and understand her position. I like that she helps him finish cleaning up before they leave; they do have good chemistry and many sweet scenes but for me it is all tainted by the toxic past they have shared. Although I do think that they have genuine affection for each other I don’t think they could have a healthy functional relationship because of their previous dual addiction.

I really enjoyed the sparring scene between Clary and Aline, the choreography is fantastic and the actress’ carry the emotion behind the scene brilliantly. Aline’s anger at Clary, and Jonathan, really comes through in not just her moves but her words too. You can feel the tension and hostility rise throughout the scene, keeping you on the edge of your seat until that final moment.

Aline is completely provoking Clary by talking about Jonathan, their connection and not holding back when she strikes her; she wants to hurt Jonathan via Clary but she also wants Clary to understand why she’s angry. Clary is trying to understand but Aline is definitely getting to her and you can see her lose her patience little by little, but her beating of Aline is completely over the top and you can see that in that moment she is acting almost out of body. When Jace breaks them apart you can see how horrified at her actions and the level of violence she has inflicted.

The exchange between Magnus and Alec about Underhill being handsome is hilarious, most especially Magnus’ expression and Alec’s bafflement. Magnus voices his concerns about Alec talking about their problems ‘to the entire Institute’ I think he words it this way because to him Underhill is just another Shadowhunter and he didn’t know that Alec might consider him a friend, which is why it was so out of the blue for him, and why he is a bit uncomfortable. Plus, he was not expecting Alec, who is not known for opening up, to have spoken to anyone outside his family about their relationship.

Alec is confused about Magnus’ feelings because he didn’t see talking to Underhill as an issue because he views him as a friend and because he is the only other gay Shadowhunters that he knows of. But once Magnus begins explaining he understands why he’s upset, he knows that maybe talking to someone who was a completely stranger to Magnus might not have been the best thing, or he should have at least mentioned Underhill to Magnus. Especially when he knows they were bound to interact during Magnus’ stay; he didn’t think it was a big deal but can see why Magnus would be unnerved.

I cannot help but laugh when Alec remarks about Magnus’ being jealous, he is so happy at the possibility because jealousy means that Magnus doesn’t want to lose him and is nervous about Alec finding someone else. He has never had anyone love him that way, and treasure him so much that they are scared of someone else taking them away. Matt played this brilliantly.

I don’t think that Magnus was really jealous though, I think that he was surprised by Alec opening up to someone who wasn’t family and for that person to be good looking too. He wants Alec to have friends, but with his reserved nature Magnus wasn’t expecting him to have spoken to another Shadowhunter about their relationship. I think that there might only have been the slightest bit of jealousy because Magnus knows that their difficulties was caused by their differences in age, experience and culture; and to be faced with a handsome Shadowhunter, who is the same age as Alec who he feels comfortable talking with must be a bit scary.

The rune is continuing to pull Clary and Jonathan together, strengthening the bond between them as time passes because even though she threatens to call the Institute she should have already done it. It seems that although she cannot explain it and despises it part of her cares about him or at least doesn’t want to kill him.

Jonathan is determined that they will be together, convinced that part of her loves him because he is her brother; he so desperately wants her to love him that he is projecting that onto her and he will do anything he can to convince her to join him. It’s a great little scene and they both do a great job of creating tension and showing the push and pull of the twinning rune.

Maia confronts Heidi, determined that Heidi will either turn herself in or die for what she has done; Maia is not going to let her get away with killing her pack. Heidi is convinced no one can touch her, she conveys a real sense of invincibility and is under the impression that she is untouchable, this only makes her more dangerous because if she thinks she is free of consequences she will do anything she wants to.

It was very clever of Maia to use Holy water against Heidi and a vindictive justice that its effects are similar to silver poisoning, which she inadvertently inflicted on Jordan. I am so glad that Heidi is dead, with all the hurt she has caused and all the trouble she was bound to cause everyone is better off with her gone, and if anyone deserved to be the one to kill her it was Maia. But I almost wish that she hadn’t because whether you want it to or not, whether it was deserved or not, murdering someone changes you as a person. I don’t like that in order to get justice for her pack Maia had to become a killer.

Clary goes into some sort of trance and burns herself in the fire, it is obvious that the rune is influencing her behaviour and it would be interesting to find out just how this occurs. Jonathan is pleased that Clary seems to be getting closer to coming to him, that she is being affected. When Jace grabs her she seems to come out of a kind of trance, not aware of what she was doing or the pain until that moment.

The scene of Izzy and Raphael saying goodbye if very sweet, there will always be a part of them that will care for the other. Emeraude and David have great chemistry and they almost portray these emotional moments between these characters really well, but as I said for me their scenes are always shadowed by the past addiction.

I was slightly disappointed that we have had no scenes between Magnus and Raphael, they have both been through so much in Season 3, and they have this wonderful familial bond yet we haven’t has a scene between them or them talking about the other. It would have been nice if we could have seen more of their relationship because they are both at a point where they need more support than ever. Plus, why would Magnus (if he had known) not come to say goodbye to Raphael especially if he doesn’t know when or if he will see him again.

Also, it seems a bit bad that they are sending Raphael to the Gard when they suspect Downworlders are being tortured there, but without proof they can’t do anything and when a crime is committed they go to the Gard. They would not have had any grounds to keep Raphael at the Institute.

Simon is disappointed in Maia, he wanted so much to bring Heidi in the right way and to get justice lawfully; he put everything into getting the proof they need and he probably feels a little bit betrayed that she went behind his back. He hated Heidi but he believes that you should always try to do things in accordance to the law, not take it into your own hands, because by doing that how are they better than her.

Maia is confused by Simon’s behaviour, she thought he would just be glad that Heidi is gone and understand why she did it. Everyone is better off without Heidi and she believes that she has done the right thing by killing her, and she doesn’t understand why Simon doesn’t see it this way.

I know that there has been a lot of talk about Simon being a hypocrite in this scene because he killed another vampire in 2B and I completely understand that. However, from what I remember in that scene the other vampire attacked Simon first when he confronted him about killing that mundane and Simon acted out of self defence. Afterwards he was upset about what he had done, he hates hurting people and it horrified him that he had killed someone.

Whereas with Maia she intended to kill Heidi, yes she gave Heidi a chance to give herself up but Maia knew that she wouldn’t do that. Maia acted in revenge, she goaded Heidi into a fight and when into it with the intention of killing her. Afterwards, she felt no remorse for what she had done and was glad of it; she doesn’t think that what she did was wrong because of all the hurt Heidi caused.

So, I understand why people are upset and think that it looks like people are condemning Maia for killing when most of the other characters have killed too, but all situations are different. Do I think Maia was wrong to kill Heidi? No, Heidi was evil, killed many people and was only going to cause more harm. Was there a better easy to deal with her? Yes, they could have brought her in legally and that way everyone would have been aware of her crimes. As with many situations in Shadowhunters there are lots of sides, opinions and interpretations of scenes; but I do not think Maia is wrong or bad for killing Heidi, was there a better way yes, but I do not blame her for wanting to avenge her pack.

Alec tells Magnus that him living here isn’t a good idea because it is against the rules, throughout the episode with Izzy and Maia he has realised that he cannot forsake certain rules for his own gain; and how can he expected others, especially his subordinates, to abide by the rules if he doesn’t himself. As much as he wants to help Magnus and to live with him, to be a good Head of the Institute he needs to adhere by the protocols. Magnus completely understands, he knows how much Alec values his position and integrity; he would not want to do anything that would cause Alec problems.

Matt portrays Alec’s nervousness in this scene brilliantly; Magnus rebuffed his offer to move in once so he is unsure about asking again. But he loves him so much, wants to be with him and wants to share the same living space as him that he is willing put his heart and pride on the line in the hopes Magnus may have changed his mind. I could scream with happiness when Magnus says yes, you can see the relief and happiness on Alec’s face and it is just such a sweet moment between them.

Then it all snowballs downhill when Magnus’ nose starts bleeding, he turns away from Alec in a attempt to hide it and not worry him; but Alec is scared, he has seen the blood and Magnus is not answering his multiple calls of his name. Magnus collapses, muttering something as Alec very gently lowers him to the ground after catching him.

I found out afterwards that Magnus is mumbling in Indonesian and it translates to ‘My head. Please help me. It hurts’ and I absolutely sobbed when I read this out. Not only is he is so much pain that he has reverted to his mother tongue but he is actually asking for help which we know he doesn’t like to do.

He starts shaking and Alec is panicking, calling for a medic. He is completely shocked about what is happening, scared because he doesn’t know why it’s happening and is desperate for help. I am an absolute sobbing mess. I was so emotional and full of adrenaline after this scene that I literally didn’t stop trembling for about 30 minutes.

So, I did really enjoy this episode; there were some fantastic emotional scenes, we finally got rid of Heidi and I am emotionally destroyed.

In 316, Clary is trying to get rid of her rune and Alec is desperate to save Magnus. We have been repeatedly warned that we are not prepared for the Malec scenes and Matt’s acting, I am screaming at just seeing one screenshot from the Malec sneak peek that I haven’t watched because I don’t watch any sneak peeks. I have stocked up on tissues but I know that there is nothing I can do to prepare myself for this episode. Help.

#Shadowhunters Review #To The Night Children #Shadowhunters #SH 315 Review #SH314 #SH3x14 #Shadowhunters 314 #SH 3x14 Review #Shadowhunters 3x14 #SH 314 #SH 3x14 #this is so late #oops #sorry #I've been busy and then ill #hopefully better this week

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