#there's some unlearning to do and some learning to do

[high-queen-of-exy]

hey, just wondering if you had any kevin headcanons that you wouldn’t mind sharing :))

I've got a lot, might have minor TSC spoilers though, proceed with caution

The most oblivious fool to ever exist

I've always hc him as autistic, and I stand by that. He's the most peer reviewed autistic person I know.

If it's not exy, the Trojans, Andrew and Neil, or alcohol he doesn't notice

Meaning he doesn't know how Jean feels about him at all

I don't think they could ever be friends unless they addressed it though

His first crush besides Thea was Jeremy, Thea always kids that Jeremy is Kevin's "hall pass" even tho they aren't monogamous in the traditional way

Also, Thea and him aren't monogamous.

Kevin is aroflux and bisexual and I don't think he truly knew what either of those words meant until after he went pro.

He is like a oblivious third wheel to Neil and Andrew for the rest of their lives, like he just walks into their home whenever he pleases.

He's allergic to cats but he loves Neil and Andrew's cats too much to stay away.

The first time Jean and Kevin go on court against each other, they get into a fight on the court. It's the first and only time Jean got into a fight while being a Trojan.

Thea called them to scold them afterwards.

However, when they play on the USA team, they get along significantly better. (They don't want to be scolded by Thea again)

Thea and Kevin try to have hobbies, Thea thought it'd help them.

Which is how they have a few paintings on their walls, a electric keyboard that Kevin learned to play 2 songs on before quitting, and Andrew and Neil got some very ugly mugs because Thea refused to keep them and Kevin didn't want to throw them out.

I don't think they'd have kids, not on purpose, especially not with Thea's career, she wouldn't give that up.

They might have one oops kid, who they'd love dearly, but oh my goodness would Kevin be panicking the whole goddamned time.

Thea also seems therapy, after Kevin kinda insists, because unlearning some of the raven things that she didn't realize where a problem was necessary for their relationship..

The summer after Kevin tells Wymack he's his dad, Wymack tries to do a lot of father-son bonding things.

Abby tries to discourage the stupider ones.

Kevin doesn't mind them though.

He gets very close with Dan her last year.

He keeps in touch with her more than anyone but Neil and Andrew.

His favorite food is sushi, but it took him forever to try it because he was convinced he'd hate it.

He's a deceptively picky eater.

And that's all I've got off the top of my head, have a nice day!!!

#aftg #all for the game #aftg hc #aftg headcanon #kevin day #kevin x thea #kevjean #andrew minyard #neil josten #andreil #jean moreau #david wymack

[variousqueerthings]

I don’t know if I’m way behind in this kind of knowledge, but there was a difference for me between logically knowing that women can be HIV+ / get AIDS and seeing numbers for women around the world who are HIV+ or have died from AIDS-related complications

I understand why the narrative is as it is, the way homophobia meant/means a lack of treatment development + a lack of ability to access healthcare, but the way it’s affecting women is massively intersectional with racism/colonialism and poverty, and goes hand in hand with a lack of education because of (you guessed it) homophobia 

I just think everyone should take in these numbers as a matter of education, both to support women around the world and because we’re seeing yet another case of homophobia-is-stopping-people-from-getting-tested/helped with monkeypox:

AIDS epidemic update: December 2000 (worldwide)

compare

AIDS epidemic update: 2021 (worldwide)

here are a few testimonies from british women in the 80s/90s

and Rebel Dykes, the documentary about working class S/M political lesbians in London, talks briefly about awareness raising/invisibility of HIV+ women in the 80s

I’ve also anecdotally had conversations around women and HIV about the rates in middle-aged divorced women, who haven’t been educated on the risks after possible years of sleeping with one partner, apparently that’s a significant risk group (because, again... lack of education+ homophobic institutions) 

#hiv #aids #monkeypox #queer rights #womens rights #colonialism #there's a difference between knowing intuitively and Knowing through educating oneself #think a lot of people still subconsciously think of it as A Disease That Hits Queer Men and trans women and drug users as an afterthought #and faaaar far in the background of that thought is *oh yeah and some countries in africa* #(what countries? some... countries...) #which is our internalised racism and colonialism #and #because it was first used to attack queer men and then gay men for obvs reasons created a lot of mutual aid around it #have a lot more research to do -- mainly want to look for testimonies from women non-western countries #*in #i also wonder whether there are any transmasculine/trans male anecdotes #there's some unlearning to do and some learning to do #obvs we cannot individually protect every person in every country but i think it's good to be educated on this #id hazard some of the countries with the highest rates in women are also countries where it's still illegal to be gay #colonialism and homophobia and the aids epidemic go hand in hand #whaddayaknow... there's always more to intersectionalism than one knows #how do we utilise global connection for good? (not as in *burn yourself out on everything all at once*) #but as in -- we have siblings across the world and our actions affect one another across the world #ex. how covid vaccines were being hoarded #or how statistically at least as many women globally are hiv+ as men... at LEAST possibly more (and there's less resources/education) #or how i think about my transmasc and trans male and non-binary siblings across the world who either do or do not want to be pregnant #or i think about this documentary about the band mashrou leila and the activist sarah hegazi who was arrested/tortured #for unfurling a rainbow flag at one of their concerts and how one man who runs an lgbt+ center in beirut talked about the need #for global queer solidarity #lots of thoughts going in lots of directions apologies ive gone a little off topic on this post

[sandinmybed]

can i be fr for a minute?? sending abuse to people online for holding different views than you is not activism and in fact actively hurts your cause. most people are not extreme in their viewpoints, you can give them a new perspective if you're willing to spend some time explaining shit. if someone is saying something you disagree with and you rush in there to condescend to them and call them disgusting and subhuman and dont even TRY to explain calmly why their views are harmful, they're going to shut you out instantly and double down on their views.

most people are simply genuinely ignorant to the issues they're talking about - they just pick their views up from the news and the world around them and express opinions because that's what every person does. if you run in there and tell them they're scum for it, what then? if someone does that to you, are you going to think "maybe i should do some research" or are you going to think "this person is an asshole, im blocking them." a lot of you think you're activists and then refuse to do any kind of actual WORK to support your cause.

#this is not about the isr*el thing even tho thats obviously a huge issue rn #its just a pattern ive observed online #im not saying you have to be kind to people who oppress you dont twist my words #but if youre trying to support any cause and you think calling people names is going to help #youre a fucking idiot lol #people call themelves activists and pro-X cause because they called their opposition dirty c*nts online #how the hell is that meant to help anyone? theyre just going to retreat into their propaganda chambers because you proved what the leaders #of those spaces have been telling them #you can obvs block people if you dont want to deal w them but thats a neutral action. sending abuse harms ur cause. #text #like educating ignorant people is hard work! yeah! its also the entire fucking point of activisim #and if you think its too much effort then just stop pretending you give a shit tbh #like my parents managed to change our neighbour's very xenophobic stance on migrants with a calm conversation #some people will listen and some wont and shes not exactly going out to protests for migrants rights but shes not hostile anymore #and a lot of yall think that isnt good enough but let me tell you it IS good because these things take time! #unlearning things is MUCH harder than learning them in the first place and a lot of people grew up in environments that taught them #very discriminatory and conservative views and its actually not their fault. and its hard to educate yourself differently on something you #have no idea is not true. where do you start w that?

[sysig]

Wander-ful! (Patreon)

#My art #Wander Over Yonder #Wander #Was I specifically drawing him with his eyes closed to avoid learning his particular eye style? Maybe #But hey look! I did for the second one! That's something! Lol #There's no consensus on his eye colour but I've chosen blue for the moment - it's the eye colour that seems most consistent #There are a lot of elements to his design where I kinda have to unlearn from my own habits lol #The rubberhose is no problem :D I really enjoy rubberhose even if I don't use it very often! #But things like his mouth shape and his teeth only showing when he's like fully smiling - or eyes touching in that cartoony way! #No pun intended but it's very alien to me lol #But it's little things like that that I'm noticing about the ''rules'' of his model like what I was talking about before #He'll still be recognizable as himself if I were to do those things but would they be true to his actual look? Hmm #And I'm totally not against taking some liberties lol - this is fanart that /I'm/ making and very much Not the show lol #But learning and paying attention to details and seeing just how close I can from within the constraints of my own abilities >:3c It's fun! #Plus then it makes my own little touches - calling cards - stand out even more hehe ♪ Blush marks are too fun to ditch completely! #He's a fun and cute lad to work with :3

[stardust-falling]

There is never an excuse to not use someone’s preferred name and pronouns. Unless they’re closeted around some people and ask you not to, there is literally no good reason to not just refer to them how they want to be. No one is being protected when you intentionally misgender a trans person, or when you insist on using a deadname— even if you “don’t agree” with the existence of trans people, or think that gender identity shouldn’t be treated the way it is in whatever way. You’re not standing up for yourself and you’re not standing up for others— you’re just being an asshole.

If your friend’s legal name was Katherine, and she told you “please don’t call me Katherine, I have negative associations with that name, call me Kathy instead,” then would you still insist on calling her Katherine because you don’t think it makes sense to use another name, even though you know it causes her significant emotional distress?

Intentionally deadnaming and misgendering someone because “it doesn’t make sense” or “you don’t agree” makes you just as much of an asshole as that. Changing the language you use to refer to someone hurts no one and helps them immensely. Intentionally misgendering someone just makes you look like an asshole and, quite frankly, stupid as well.

If you want to have an actual debate about the ethics of trans healthcare or whatever, the least you can do is actually respect your opponents. Fundamentally, respect for one another is key to proper debating. But no, you don’t want a debate, you just want to beat people down.

#caught a glimpse of some terf bs #like #ffs you can argue all you want about things you feel are genuinely a threat to your safety #like I get that!! a lot of those thoughts and fears are coming from trauma!! #and it’s not easy to unlearn! #I would be a lot more sympathetic though if there wasn’t the constant use of dehumanizing language and blatant lack of care #but well that’s just how it is #anyway even if there WAS a legitimate concern #refusing to refer to someone the way they’re comfortable with doesn’t have anything to do with it #even if there IS concern to be had over puberty blockers/HRT for minors/etc #misgendering a trans kid isn’t protecting them #even if said kid DOES decide they’re cis later on doesn’t make it okay to refuse to acknowledge their current identity #and if you want to claim you speak for/care about those you see in your mind as ‘women’ (afab people overall) #then DON’T FURTHER ENDANGER TRANS MEN BY CALLING THEM WOMEN/BEHAVING THE SAME WAY AS THE ABUSIVE #TRANSPHOBIC FAMILY MEMBERS OR PEERS WHO DRIVE TRANS MEN TO SUICIDE!!! #respect people’s right to self determination #learn to treat trans people with respect (by referring to them the way they ask you to at the minimum) #THEN try having a debate #but it IS NOT A DEBATE if you’re just punching down #transgender #transphobia

[jankwritten]

yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit

i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.

i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.

this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them

#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist #but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all #those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again? #(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do) #BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit #like TENFOLD now #it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode #plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am? #also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism? #it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always #the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn #it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself #this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry #this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past #this is another reason I fucking hate florida #because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment #and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that. #all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid #and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again #tw vent post #tw racism #tw past racism #but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again #fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun

[creekfiend]

At the same time as "this rule doesn't make sense to me and you can't adequately explain it to me so I won't be following it" is often a strength if you're questioning power structures, I have absolutely seen that weaponized by some autistic people as like "but why CAN'T I say xyz incredibly bigoted thing! No one will explain this to me! Therefore the rule is stupid!" LOL i think it comes from the same place

You have to temper it with critical thinking and a desire to take people on good faith about certain things. Like their experiences.

#autistic ppl being like the social niceties dont make logical sense to me so i wont be participating in them #and then being SUPER RUDE and hurting ppls feelings all the time and its like #ok. some things you do have to do tho or else youll hurt ppls feelings all the time. there is An Amount of like #accepting rules that dont Hurt people when someone says hey we do this bc we live in a society #idk this isnt very coherent #but ive had tk learn this a lot lol #like as a teen and in my earlier 20s i absolutely had to unlearn like but EXPLAIN TO ME WHYYYY THIS IS RACIST #oh you cant adequately explain bc this is an emotional topic for you? WELL THEN THE RULE IS DUMB #come on. #sometimes u just put a pin in it and look into it later on your own and follow the rule for now is a big important thing #that i have learned #because. you dont have to unquestioningly accept everything but ALSO ... lol

[buggbuzz]

semi-heavy adhd vent tw 🫢🫢

personally of the opinion that the worst thing about adhd is the subtlety. we joke abt how obvious and silly it is but its barely visible 95% of the time.

& u spend your whole life not knowing if the mental struggle you have doing basic shit is what everyone deals with or if something's wrong. even when you KNOW you have adhd and even have it TREATED you STILL don't know if you're having a normal amount of obstacles.

i've been on meds for two years now and i just spent a whole fucking summer semester not sure if i was having adhd burnout or if my meds weren't working or if i was actually just being lazy. i think its all three, but who knows! and now i have a final tomorrow that i have to pass and i dont know if i can because i could barely fucking do any work all semester.

this happens like every year/semester but this one particularly stings cause it was supposed to be really good this time!! lots of free time, one class to worry about, the best nd-friendly note-taking system i've ever used, lots of flexibility, and friends to spend time with. it was even a science class!! chem, not bio, but better than non-science, right? but apparently, the only way i can ever stay motivated and on the ball is if im chained to a super-stressful and merciless schedule. so i have to choose between my long-term success and my mental health!!

i don't envy neurotypicals for the weird fucking ways they operate sometimes but good lord fucking jesus it sounds nice to be able to do things. i feel like a loaded gun with a busted trigger; i have all these amazing ideas and well-thought-out schedules and all the passion and desperation to follow through, but my brain and body just. won't. do it.

#vent #adhd #im really freaking out ngl but i will pull through because i HAVE to #i did the math and as long as i get like a 50 on this test i will almost definitely pass #but i'd at least like a -B #im just trying to find a way to be productive without destroying myself #cause i tried the insanely busy routine in the spring semester of my senior year of highschool and it worked!! #but i was sickly and exhausted and losing weight and everyone but me noticed #i kinda promised my friends not to do that to myself again #god i hate having adhd sometimes FUCK #i keep telling myself im only 18 and i'm still figuring out my adhd and unlearning the habits i learned growing up to survive #and that a lot of people do stupid shit and struggle in college even WITHOUT adhd #but omg how long is it going to take until i can rely on myself #im really scared im never gonna figure it out and i wont be able to do the things i wanna do #i just wanna sit in a lab all day and research cells or some shit man!! put me in a room full of bugs or worms or something!! jesus!! #this isn't the fun witty adhd stuff i like posting about but hey at least my brethren out there will be able to relate :) #adhd student #adhd struggles #adhd mood #adhd problems #neurodivergent #neurodivergent student #college #stem student #buggie's nerd stuff

[sibelin]

i always feel ashamed for posting my face so much but at the same time i realize it took me years to learn to be vain. i've spent most of my teenage and young adult years thinking i was ugly and disgusting (just because i had a little more weight than others) and i am still struggling with how i look because it's SO ingrained in my head that i'm not worth being seen and that my body and face is an inconvenience to everyone. it takes time to undo years of people trying to make me diet (from the age of 10) and making me doubt every piece of clothes i've ever bought, every lipstick shade, every stylistic decision like i'm not even in my rights to feel beautiful or alternative or (even worse!) sexy and to present myself like i want to present myself despite my weight or all the imperfections that separate me from a pretty doll.

#sometimes i still look in the mirror and feel like i should be invisible #it's insane because i do think i look hot and stylish #but there's always a little voice in my head telling me that i'm too fat or that i wear too much makeup #and some day it goes from 'i'm cute' to 'i look like a monster'.................which is irrational and i'm really trying to unlearn that #so if i have to learn by posting little selfies online i think that's alright #anyway sorry for the rent <3

[spacedlexi]

i may still be recovering from the psychic damage done to me by my high school art teacher but at least it taught me early that art teachers dont always know wtf theyre talking about

#makes navigating college level art courses a little easier and less frightening #esp now that ive had some profs telling me to do things my hs art teacher said were bad #like fanart :') #my 2d prof telling me putting some fanart in my portfolio is good bc it shows i can adapt styles: :0 #still trying to unlearn the 'hyper realism is the be all end all of good art' #my hs art teacher beat all the shapes out of me and like i still love shapes but i dont utilize them like i used to #art profs need to learn how to say 'studying fundamentals will help you become a stronger artist' #without saying 'anything stylized is bad and you should focus on something else' #and i dont even need to tell u that she hated anime but she did and nobody is surprised #led to me having an art crisis and severe burn out but like i said at least i learned all these lessons early #just thinking about this again as im trying to let that more cartoony aspect back into my work #and embracing cleaning my sketches bc line work really just makes my art Lose something (mainly line weight but other aspects as well) #i need to have 234578347 different styles or i'll die #but yeah that hyper realism thing really got to me its been the hardest thing to unlearn #i love my little toons but i cant help but still hear that 'it wont be good/finished until its hyper rendered' devil on my shoulder #making the effort to finally unlearn this stuff this year im kicking it to the curb and embracing having multiple styles #it speaks

[get-more-bald]

can I PLEASE just get some X6-88 focused fanfiction........

EDIT: more in the tags and the reblog

#without deacon cause i hate him #WHY DOES X6 BECOME HOSTILE AFTER BLOWING UP THE INST. WHY #i mean i get why but cmon....... #i really want some fanfiction focused on him with thr rest of the companions (specifically Nick and Danse) AUGH #and also. wow. what an idea. fanfiction about Danse healing and learning and making reparations (?) to the communities hes hurt #(hurt as in tried to genocide) #why does his dialogue and reactions not alter after blind betrayal......im killing bethesda #WHY is x6 just. there #i havent played with him yet but i think he doesnt even fucking have affinity talks???????at least thays whay im assuming? #i fucking hate it in here. get those hoes some CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT #werent they SUPPOSED to develop? #paladin danse unlearning what he was taught and becoming just danse and learning and becoming gentler with everyone including himself. #x6-88 breaking down and accepting the (admittedly cartoonish) evil of his home and his creators. coming to terms with the fact #that he does feel. how can he not. coming to terms with being essentially a. how do i say it. slave catcher? #and that now that he feels and knows it. he has to face what he did to many other synths. HEALING AND LEARNING #hey bethesda. why didnt they heal and learn. #also cause im already talking about this. preston got done DIRTY #i think his dialogue lines are monotonous and the radiant quests are kind of annoying. he gets So Much unnecessary hate grrr👹 #also what. he just has some affinity talks and nothing is ever addressed again? bethesda? maybe have a quest about idk. going back to quinc #and facing Some of his trauma at least. please? #hes depressed hes suicidal hes an alcoholic WHY ARENT WE TALKING ABOUT THIS. PLEASE. CMON. #i actually dont know that much about most of the companions. strong? miss me with that shit sorry. codsworth? cool im out of time. #cait was allright ig. nick valentine was obv the best written (maybe because you do HAVE to meet him at some point for the main plot) #and others are fine ig (i hate deacon but thats a personal issue (he has that deadwife manpain that im also assigned by bethesda) (deadwife #manpain fucking sucks as a writing device))) #i haven't met maccready yet but it seems he wont have much substance to me ngl. fine by me. cute guy i suppose? #so back on track..i really want a danse-valentine-x6 (and maybe hancock and/or cait?) focused fanfiction. the companions messing around #gossiping (about sole survibor maybe? hihi). teaching each other things useful in settlements (farming. maining the defenses. building. #scrap management. diy. cooking?) blease. theyre mostly bad at it but it doesnt matter because they have each other and ss and its okay now. #fallout 4 companions

[sleepdeprived-idiot]

chatgbt this chat gbt that, im sorry when did we all loose the ability to think???

#i want to be able to complain about having to read 40pages of text without someone telling me to just let chatgbt summarise it. i want to #complain about hard old words without someone telling me to ask chatgbt to explain them #why have people unlearned that when somone complains that sometimes they want to just complain #when did we stop working for ourselves? #yes its possible for me to complain endlessly about an assignment and still wanting to finish it myself #chatgbt cant replace what i learn in the process and why would i even try to do assignments when some ai will rob me of my ability to feel #accomplishment #why do anything if you cant be satisfied with your result?

[cinnamon-phrog]

Sorry for clogging all of your dashboards I've been in a good mood bc!!! I got awesome news today!

REUNITED!!!!!!

#HE'S BACK! re-ordered a yellow and completely forgot! #also uh. yesterday i talked about taking a year to myself what if i did that NOW #there are a lot of things i want to do and solve for myself #i've had no time to actually take care of myself. i've been TREATING myself but that's done nothing but make me crave more #but actually sorting my stuff out. internal external what have you. THAT has helped me a lot #college has been a bad experience overall and i put it down to me just not being ready for it. too much change in only a few months. #it made me jaded and i'd like some whimsy thank you very much. only if i try though #🎨🌻 #🦆📋 #🍝👄 #🚦🏠 #i've seen people become jaded bc of their traumas and it's saddening. and i need to learn that maybe not everyone needs fixing no matter- #my intentions and sometimes i DO go overboard and come off brash. when in reality i'd hate that to happen and only wish people the best #i learn things everyday and i'm still so young. not even 17 yet. i still have time for improvement in myself #i will ALWAYS apologise. ALWAYS extend kindness. ALWAYS admit fault bc that's just all i can do. #so anyway OUPPETS!!!!! I wanna keep them safe i'm thinking of making a box dedicated to little trinkets of Them. #i've been sheltered and Her lessons are still ingrained on me and i'm slowly [but surely!] unlearning them and not using Her as an excuse- #for laziness or my ability to talk to people and guessing everybody wishes me the worst when really they have other things on their mind. #college smollege i am not a character stuck in a narrative! i am nbot the narrative! i am me! and i say my lessons lie outside of there.

[come1nalone]

#this picture is a direct expression #of how socializing feels #I’ve been trying to unlearn some patterns #and learn new ones #but it gets so hard #I don’t want to hurt #the people I love #or seem cold #but I don’t understand #how communicating is done right #and I’m bad at setting boundaries #and speaking my mind #without doing so very bluntly and coldly #therapy helps #but it’s an uphill battle for sure

[faultsofyouth]

can't decide if I want to be a gynecologist or if I want to marry one

#If I marry one we can open a practice together and she can oversee cesarean sections #and that guarantees I can prescribe medicine in any US state without needing to get approval from a man nor from any physician #Whom I have no way of vetting the level of work they've done to unlearn a male medical bias or to be pro woman in their practice #And /I/ don't have to go to med school and learn science that is primarily based around the male body for 5 years #despite my goal profession(s) being centered entirely around female health & biology. And /i/ don't have to pay for med school #but on the other hand. I COULD become a gynecologist and then #I could do exactly the same job I want to do as a nurse + I am a fucking Doctor + a woman in STEM + I get the same benefit of being able #to write prescriptions as I would if I married an OB/gyn and there's no barriers depending on the state I work in #+ I can perform cesarean sections and I don't have to leave my patients safety in the hands of the nearest hospital surgeon #In the event of an EMERGENCY. like if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself and all that #and also I make hella bank as a doctor like I make some hardcore moolah #Money is a good idea most of the time in my opinion #But at the same time like. Do /I/ wanna be in charge of cutting a woman open? Uhhhhhhhh #I mean. I smoke weed yall. and I watch children cartoons all day. And I'm like a b average student #Can /I/ really be trusted to cut a child out of a woman with no casualties?? Like idfk tbh. TBH #I don't know if I have it in me. Like idk #I know no healthcare job is okay to be mediocre at. I feel like I could excel at being a midwife but totally unconfident about being #a doctor. I don't think that adds up like that doesn't make sense but idk if it means I should rethink being a doctor or being a nurse

[doppelnatur]

to a certain degree i don't think there is such a thing as purely internalized and internally directed bias. i don't think directing bias at yourself is morally much better than directing it at others it's just a lot harder to stop. that said, as soon as your self cruelty begins to affect anyone else it's just cruelty. a gay man being homophobic is not any more justifiable than a heterosexual man. then again, maybe this entire way of thinking shows a lack of compassion for myself and is a form of bias.

#Idk I'm being mean to myself about capacity and ability stuff. #I'm. Very aware I still hold a lot of ableism. I really really try treating others with kindness and like noticing when something is an #Ableist impulse and seeing it looking at it and letting it go. And I think I usually do a good job. I do. But it's so much harder when it's #It's me and there's no other expert on my experience and my normality than me and I just don't trust me to. Actually know what's going on #Idk I think ableism is the most active unlearning I'm having to do. With both racism and queerphobia it was very gradual #Fatphobia I feel like i never really like. Took in. Idk why and obviously there's some just straight up misinformation that I'm correcting #But that's all so different #Learning about ableism was such a huge thing for me and it helped me let go of so much self loathing and all that all at once #And to also just be kinder to the people in my life. Like significantly. I think I'd be an absolute pos if not for the autistic community #But like. I feel like I've hit a plateau and there's just. Part of this belief system that's just. My character at this point and I don't #I don't know that I'll ever be able to get over it and I think it makes me a bad person or at least a worse person like. In an unfixable wa #Maybe I need to think of myself like the world. Where I don't think an ideal utopia can be built but that just means we have to keep trying #And get as close as possible and watch all the lik e easy fail points carefully and mend and repair. #Like part of the reason I could let go of self hate is just that I genuinely became a significantly better person #Not just the internalized ableism part but the external butt they're the same kind of anyways right #Idek it's 1am