#god i hate having adhd sometimes FUCK

[buggbuzz]

semi-heavy adhd vent tw 🫢🫢

personally of the opinion that the worst thing about adhd is the subtlety. we joke abt how obvious and silly it is but its barely visible 95% of the time.

& u spend your whole life not knowing if the mental struggle you have doing basic shit is what everyone deals with or if something's wrong. even when you KNOW you have adhd and even have it TREATED you STILL don't know if you're having a normal amount of obstacles.

i've been on meds for two years now and i just spent a whole fucking summer semester not sure if i was having adhd burnout or if my meds weren't working or if i was actually just being lazy. i think its all three, but who knows! and now i have a final tomorrow that i have to pass and i dont know if i can because i could barely fucking do any work all semester.

this happens like every year/semester but this one particularly stings cause it was supposed to be really good this time!! lots of free time, one class to worry about, the best nd-friendly note-taking system i've ever used, lots of flexibility, and friends to spend time with. it was even a science class!! chem, not bio, but better than non-science, right? but apparently, the only way i can ever stay motivated and on the ball is if im chained to a super-stressful and merciless schedule. so i have to choose between my long-term success and my mental health!!

i don't envy neurotypicals for the weird fucking ways they operate sometimes but good lord fucking jesus it sounds nice to be able to do things. i feel like a loaded gun with a busted trigger; i have all these amazing ideas and well-thought-out schedules and all the passion and desperation to follow through, but my brain and body just. won't. do it.

#vent #adhd #im really freaking out ngl but i will pull through because i HAVE to #i did the math and as long as i get like a 50 on this test i will almost definitely pass #but i'd at least like a -B #im just trying to find a way to be productive without destroying myself #cause i tried the insanely busy routine in the spring semester of my senior year of highschool and it worked!! #but i was sickly and exhausted and losing weight and everyone but me noticed #i kinda promised my friends not to do that to myself again #god i hate having adhd sometimes FUCK #i keep telling myself im only 18 and i'm still figuring out my adhd and unlearning the habits i learned growing up to survive #and that a lot of people do stupid shit and struggle in college even WITHOUT adhd #but omg how long is it going to take until i can rely on myself #im really scared im never gonna figure it out and i wont be able to do the things i wanna do #i just wanna sit in a lab all day and research cells or some shit man!! put me in a room full of bugs or worms or something!! jesus!! #this isn't the fun witty adhd stuff i like posting about but hey at least my brethren out there will be able to relate :) #adhd student #adhd struggles #adhd mood #adhd problems #neurodivergent #neurodivergent student #college #stem student #buggie's nerd stuff

[limewatt]

video games my love, why must you hurt me

#i hate playing video game so much (lying) #i exist in a constant state of liking playing games and also dislikingbit #it’s really mean and unfair that you gotta play video gamex to play video games #the screen of my laptop hurts my eyes so much and my vision sucks so bad that i have to wear my glasses to be able to see anything #there’s settings to adjust the brightness but it shoots the colors to shit and the dark point gets too high to make anything out #(settings beyond the default buttons i mean) #playing games gives me headaches if i play too long but i tend to play in 2-8 hour chunks because adhd #especially older games like anything with low res textures and low(er) poly models make me wanna slam my head against my keyboard #games make me feel bad while also being fun and for that they should pay #this all compounds on the fact that i am bad and slow at most kinds of games #and since i’m slow at games the music loops so many times and while i really love a lot of game music it gets annoying when it loops in-game #none of this has been too much of an issue cause modern good-looking games and handheld switch games stem most of my problems #but i’ve been playing shadow the hedgehog and god the game is fun and enjoyable but i am bad and slow at it and it hurts me #my laptop screen is killing me and the audio in this game is a bit whack and god i really fucking suck at this game which it frustrating! #and i’ve spent way more time than i’d like staring at my painful screen listening to good but maddening music #with controls i don’t quite grasp dying to the same boss over and over again YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY THE MORE THE MERRIER FUCK YOU EGG CRACKE #remembering funny lines from the fandub makes it a bit better though. and i do genuinely like the game. i’m just a bit frustrated :/ #sometimes i think about the many ways in which life is tortuous. and the ways which the things i enjoy turn agonizing. it makes me mad #but life is not always tortuous. there are ways around and through the things that bring me pain. it just doesn’t feel like it sometimes #i know this to be true #trying to not feel bad about everything is hard when i already feel bad i think #i guess i’m not really having a great time in general :/ #i feel like i’ve been rambling/venting in tags a lot recently? sorryyyyyyy

[kethabali]

i continue to be surprised how our body, minds, and universe align perfectly sometimes and we get just what we needed even if we don't realize we needed it

#someone asked me for money and i didnt have cash and they asked if they can have my food so i just took them to the store and bought them #something to eat and talked a bit which was very needed bc i been in a downer the last 2 days #freezing up from my workload of house work and school work #so i just not been doing either of it really #only the basics of eating and cleaning myself (somewhat) but i went out today to get a charger for my weed pen or to buy another pen #and thats when i saw her so that was good #first iw as like maybe god is real or something cuz how that keep aligning like that but then i realized i made the choice to talk to her #and buy her food.. it was literally me who made it happen not gOd #so yea i still am not re believing in god at least not the institutional organized religion god #cuz that guy is pure evil he is the real devil im telling you #but i do believe our souls know what we need and try to make it happen regardless of our circumstances #anyways.. gonna watch a really gorey movie now instead of reading for school #i do want to read but at the same time i do not want to read #i want to read not today but i Have to read today and tomorrow bc its due on tuesday #and i wanna go to a protest tomorrow so mainly i have today and half of tomorrow and a bit of tuesday #which is not enough for my adhd ass to do this how i want so it will probably be rushed #unless i take somehthing else out of the schedule but i really wanna go to the protest GRR i hate capitalism #just let me do things how i wanna do it im pissed off again #why i gotta do things on other peoples schedule all the goddamn time this is my least favorite thing about capitalism #never being able to do things when i wanna do them cuz there are consequences for if i ignore the other things #i just sometimes wanna be like fuck it let me just take the consequence and do what i want but that never went well in high school #i guess i can read 2 pages or something #or die. just kidding.. haha.. im trying not to answer die or death anytime i am inconvenienced #🧃

[gilligans-islands]

im gonna lose my marbless!!! why is it so hard for me to just buckle down and do shit!! why cant i just do my fyucking work why why why whyw hwyw whwy whwywnwf ksmdfakldjgkdfgjkjasdfg jkgasdfjksldfasdkjhlsfjkadgjk

#i hate this ive been procrastinating for HOURS and i cant get myself to just do my homework #its so fucking hard #some days my executive function is literally just so bad and i dont even know why #like yeah it comes with the territory but why is it not always the same level of dysfunction!! why is it fine sometimes and worse others!!! #whyyyyyyyyyyyy #there are times i question whether i actually have adhd or not because im not officially diagnosed and then days like this happen #and i just think god if i was just lazy would i be this mad at myself? #would i be this frustrated and upset about not being able just focus and do something that should be so simple for me?? #i dont know #im just frustrated #im gonna fucking try to get this done tonight i can do this #wish me fucking luck #vent #adhd

[hexagonaldecency]

...

#I've been thinking about my childhood #and I havent been neglected. but by god it wasnt enough #i dont actually know or remember if it was because my parents worked too much or because I never learned social skills as kid #and never had significant frienships until I was 10 #no wait that's not fair. #I did have friends #but we didnt bond like the other children seemed to you know? #I had one friend who probably had adhd or something #and the other kids hated her #and she was my friend but like. sometimes I think she was only my friend because she had no other choice #and I wonder if I was her friend because I didnt have a choice either... #I think I was always afraid and anxious and in need of more... something. but nobody ever noticed #I dont want to say I needed more love because I think I was surrounded by a lot of love #but I think noone noticed I needed to be taught to survive. #to not be terrified of regular stuff #growing up was traumatizing and I dont even know whym #my parents hated each other. so that probably had an important role #I was also one of the 'gifted children' who learned how to read earlier than everybody else #god I still remember getting my first grade below 9 #I remember trying so hard not to cry but I was fucking desperate #god I'm tired. I'm not doing good today #if you're reading this dont worry #I'm safe and wont do anything #I'm just not being able to function like I'm supposed to

[greenunoreversecard]

HEYYEYHEY CAN I REQUEST LLOYD (ninjago) HEADCANONS PLEASEEEE (ty :3)

A/N: Ofc!I'll do general character ones, as well as x reader ones :) hope ye likey likey:pp

Lloyd, The Greenest and Geekest mf.

General character headcanons:

Half Japanese half Chinese

His hair is box blonde dye and you cannot change my mind.

Left handed

Severely dyslexic and hands off all scroll reading and just reading oriented tasks to kai.

Def gen z vibes. Like, the others give off more inbetween z and millenial, so they dont always get his humor. And sometimes he uses that to his advantage and "Speaks in code" (uses as much slang as possible)

Has LED lights in his room set to forest green.

Has given himself a smiley face tattoo.

Cried over a dead goose once.

OK, just to preface i see cole as a stoner of Sorts and uses the excuse "it gets me closer to my element"

With that in mind cole let lloyd try it and now sometimes when he is told to unwind, of feels like he needs to take a chill pill he and Cole spark up

in the beginning of his leader ship role, he used to Say;"kick ass and take names" and if things went wrong he had the fuck it we ball mindset, but got better with time. There are still times they wing it, though.

if he isnt in his gi he almost exclusively wears his pajamas (aka a Hoodie, tshirt and sweats)

Vv tired, and now has a raging addiction to energy drinks due to his lack of Sleep.

He used to eat worms as a kid bc he Thought he it was evil.

Has a eyebrow piercing, and wants a tongue piercing.

Wears "reading" glasses, that he should technically wear all the time because he can't see up close and has a astigmatism,, but he says yolo. Zane then make him contacts after he almost ran into a moving blade and got his head severed.

Adhd and OCD, as well as the normal line up (anxiety, depression, cptsd)

Lloyd in a relationship:

Hes very distant in the beginning, it'll take time to warm up to you.

He tends to be orage cat vibes.

On the cat trend, he gets close for a bit Before becoming distant. Going through waves of affection, kinda.

He hasn't had like, any good relationships in his life so he tries to "protect" himself when he feels he gets to close to you, and so he pulls away.

He does the fuckboy face when your sad bc it makes you laugh, as well as That weird dice roll

He actually does the face/dice roll combo whenever he Sees you as he walks over, it's an inside joke now

primary giving love language: acts of service and quality time

Primary receiving love language: gifts and words of affirmation. But physical touch is also high up there.

Also, not expensive gifts. He hates those. Give him a stick you saw on a walk that made you think of him. He'll cherish it forever. And maybe cry.

He will cry.

will make noises at you and expects a noise in response or he'll be sad.

Also randomly bites you. He's a nommer

also sends you memes throughout the day.

As well as random pictures with the caption;"BABY LOK THIS IS S. US IF WE WHERE *insert whatever item here*

Called you babe, baby, love, shitface, asshole.

Expect kind and loving gentle bullying.

Doesnt know how to express his emotions to just expect him to come up to you, lightly shake your shoulders and aggressively say;"I love you bitch.i ain't Evea gon stop lovin you. Bitchhhhhhh" (vine reference)

Sends you .5 of everyone, himself included. He's addicted to Taking them. You will not get out of it.

Also sometimes just walks around in nyas stilettos for fun.

You two have fashion shows.

You also take over the Living room sometimes and build giant ass forts to watch shitty reality tv in and make fun oF The people

Overall, once he realizes you won't leave he's the most funniest loving chaotic guy.

But expect it to take a hot minute for him to realsie this

give him time,, but also have some deep talks..

Let him vent

and for the love of God don't hurt the baby's heart.

Expect inside jokes

#no beta we die like jason todd #greeny's inbox #Ninjago x reader #lloyd garmadon #lloyd montgomery garmadon #lego ninjago #Lloyd garmadon x reader #Ninjago x you #Male reader #gn reader #ninjago lloyd

[unoriginal-and-dumb]

INTRO POST.

Hi, im UNO

I have a lot of names you can call me any version of my username. I’m an adult artist, I’ve been drawing seriously for (checks my awesome lightning McQueen watch) 5 years and animating for about 3! I’m primarily self taught, but am currently taking some college classes. I really like cartoons, games, and anything to do with space or cosmic horror

Please don’t tag my posts as ship art unless I specify it as such

I made that infected design!! Came all the way from my head to My math homework paper. Anywhere else you see a similar design is likely inspired from mine (which is fine, it’s only kinda weird when people start crediting someone else errr…. Don’t like that)

You don’t have to read all this, it’s just some stuff about me ⬇️

I do a lot of things other than regretevator, but since it’s my current hyperfixation it kinda just takes over everything

I have special interests in dead space, alien, the thing, nine inch nails, and pizza tower. I always fall back on those with the same love as usual so don’t be surprised seeing anything like/relating/or just of those

I am diagnosed ADHD, autism too I’m very very very INCREDIBLY INSANELY quiet and awkward with 1 on 1 conversations when I don’t know the person personally, sorry guys I may as well be a brick wall though. I am also generally a very private person

I don’t normally give two fucks about sharing sexuality but I feel it does explain things. I am VERY aromantic and UNBELIEVABLY asexual. Extremely sex repulsed, and I wouldn’t say romance *repulsed* but I am maybe just one step below it. It can get pretty bad and sometimes just ruins my day unfortunately. That’s why I ask people to please never tag my posts as ship art unless I do so!!

^ I am very nitpicky with it, but I do like certain ships to a degree! I enjoy Split and Bive, The Noise and Noisette, and a few others.

My page is welcoming to everyone, except for typical Dni criteria, no proshippers no hate none of that. I just wanna post my art and idk be annoying online 😄

I have never once in my god damn life made an intro post and I have never once wanted to either. HOWEVER, a lot of people have been mixing me up with like 2 other people and I don’t like that and neither do they believe it or not.

I’m hoping that introducing myself at all will help perhaps end that!

[nerd-at-sea5]

i keep seeing sm anti percabeth (idk how i am very pro percabeth tumblr what are you doing) and like. i feel like a large amount of people forget that they are both massively traumatized kids/teenagers who are in their first and only relationship.

they’re gonna fuck up, they’re gonna be a little toxic, but overall they’re is so much communication and time and like. life that we DONT see.

percy is also an unreliable narrator (no hate but he is), he’s sarcastic and sometimes people don’t pick up on his sarcasm. he insults himself a lot and he really does see some things with rose colored glasses

annabeth and him were also friends first, so a lot of how they behave is very friend-like. the teasing of being smart (god knows my friend and i tease each other religiously for being smart or not smart). honestly the judo flip as well (can’t tell you how many times my friends and i have thrown punches at one another and before you say ‘yes well he’s an abuse victim! so it’s different!!’ yeah, so are some of my friend and so am i. we’ve talked about it, and don’t step out of line) communication is important kids!! (so is consent!!!! had to throw that in there)

we didn’t see them talk about it! they 100% did, why else would annabeth be comfortable enough doing it?

anyway i know this is a long ass rant, i’m just mildly annoyed that people think these traumatized kids with absolutely no therapy experience whatsoever are going to be 110% perfect 24/7, like yeah they’re a great relationship but hey, they’ve still fucked up. we all have

* also ik i didn’t go into every single minor detail. i am not that focused. i’ve got adhd and it’s vacation so fuck that. i also haven’t reread in a while (rlly into fantasy right now) so…..sue me 🤷

#pjo #hoo #toa #percabeth #percy x annabeth #annabeth x percy #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percy jackon and the olympians #pjo disney+ #pjo discourse #rick riordan #riordanverse

[miicycle]

What upsets me the most about the whole James Somerton scandal, of course aside from the actually terrible shit he did and what that lead to, is that people are calling others "idiots" for being "fooled".

I'm sorry to say, but the human mind can be fooled, no matter how hard you train it. Maybe not by James ofc, but anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can be fooled into believing ANYTHING when talked to by someone who seems legit. Especially since James stole from other actually good creators and writers, hid credits around, lied, showed SOME credit at times but sometimes not, his words seemed genuinely legit.

What sucks too is that this also belittles those who may be disabled. As someone who has severe ADHD and autism, it fucking sucks to hear "you shouldve been able to tell" or "how did you fall for it, his videos are garbage".

I never went on witchhunts, I didn't even know he got accused of stealing until a friend told me to watch the hbomber video (which I'm slowly working through).

I, a queer person, watched the videos on queer issues to learn more, the easy way (I have a hard time just reading things and like having the background noise of someone telling about incidents and events). It's a fucking accessibility thing for me. So God forbid I watched some of his videos and thought he was legit.

Insulting anyone isn't going to get you anywhere. Especially those that just watched his videos and didn't attack people. I hate that I easily fell for the ruse, I don't need people calling me stupid on top of it. I shouldn't feel ashamed for watching some godamned videos.

#james somerton #hbomberguy #ableism #video essayists #james somerton drama #text post #discourse #mii talks #serious

[bonefall]

.. opinions on wind runner? i feel like im one of the only ones that genuinely hates her sometimes

If you feel like the only one who genuinely hates her, I think you need to look around more. Wind Runner is a very widely disliked character, because she's often used within the story as a small antagonist who "threatens" the authority of Tall Shadow. Gray Wing dislikes her. Thunder is openly cat-racist to her. She spends several books trying to break through the moor cats' xenophobia to join a group that came to HER LAND.

Then, when Moth Flight is old enough to be a relevant character in Forest Divided, Wind Runner is turned into Yet Another mean mom the very moment Moth displays ADHD. She's contrasted to her mate Gorse Fur, who is a Soft And Good Dad, and ultimately MASSIVELY punished with the harrowing events of Moth Flight's Vision (even though, for most of that book, she's completely right.)

Ask yourself why they're especially harsh on WIND RUNNER for being mean to her child, in the arc with Tom the Fucking Wifebeater and his redemption death, plus Thunder being forced to stop being mad at his abuser Clear Sky, please.

To me, Wind Runner is an intense, ambitious woman who's demonized for it in a way that men just aren't. She's subject to several misogynistic trends within WC, plus a huge helping of xenophobia that goes absolutely unexamined. If DOTC cared at all about women, it would have treated her with the nuance she deserves.

Wind Runner is treated with nearly endless suspicion by Gray Wing through books 1 - 3, while he's bending over backwards to suck Clear Sky's toes.

Her wanting to join the group that came TO HER HOME and being a bit pushy about it earns a stronger reaction from Gray Wing than Clear Sky murdering people.

She's pressured into changing her name "to fit in," and it's still not enough. She wanted to join the group so bad she changed her name, at the request of the Mountain Cats, for a chance of being better accepted

This came after she'd already saved Jagged Peak's life when a burrow collapsed on him. She's plenty trustworthy.

She keeps doing shit to try and prove herself to this group of assholes. Remember Bumble being dragged back to her domestic abuser? Gray Wing interprets this as a power struggle, when WIND RUNNER WAS NOT EVEN PART OF THE GROUP AT THE TIME.

From Wind Runner's POV, she did something that the Moor cats wanted done. It was fucking evil. It was committing violence against another member of the out-group the cats see her as.

But who actually has the power here? Tall Shadow does.

Gray Wing said it himself that she could have come up with some excuse for Bumble to stay, and she didn't. In fact, any cat could have spoken up. No one did.

and still. STILL. Wind Runner gets nothing. Her reward is Gray Wing surmising that actually, her doing their sick dirtywork was a political move.

It's more consistent as a motivation with how Wind Runner wants to join their group. The thing she's been doing.

She only actually gets to join the group after Thunder starts publicly hurling slurs at her for suggesting they need to be ready for Clear Sky to attack them. "What do you know about peace? Last time I was here you were NOTHING BUT A ROGUE WITH A ROGUE'S NAME"

Gray Wing even starts purring when she gives birth, because her ambition goes away briefly and she "stops bossing everyone around." this is treated like a sweet thing. god forbid women retain their personalities when they have kids

She loses her first premature child to a seizure and Gray Wing starts proselytizing his religion to her. "Maybe it's a good thing your weakest child died because Jesus has them now" I want to beat him with a hammer

When her second child gets sick, Clear Sky has a bright idea that involves killing it. I refer to this as his "reverse leper colony" suggestion. He only develops a sense of humanity towards the sick when his brother's pregnant wife is in danger. Wind Runner and her kitten barely seem to clock as people to him.

It's only after her SECOND baby succumbs to a horrible, painful death that she decides the moor cats are assholes, and she goes to start her own group. It's LONG overdue. I was extremely excited to see it.

Now. Listen.

I've been treated just like Moth Flight before. I've practically heard the scolding in Book 6 Chapter 3 verbatim. I'm not downplaying anything about Wind Runner being harsh to her; being yelled at like that never fixed the problem.

What I'm saying is that this is the SAME arc that summons the hollowed-out ghost of Storm to coo that Clear Sky "never drove anyone away" with his abusive behavior and gives Tom the Wifebeater a heroic redemption death.

So why is the scolding from Wind Runner treated as unambiguously harsh? What's the difference between her and them?

Why is it that outside of this little bubble of the community, you can get buried in a flood of people crying about how "Clear Sky made Summisteaks Butt he thought it was the right thing :((( He feels bad about shoving Thunder's face in a weeping, pus-filled wound and trying to kill him :((((" but Wind Runner is mean about Moth Flight not catching a rabbit and she should be skinned alive

Why is WIND RUNNER held responsible for the death of Clear Sky's child in Moth Flight's Vision, WHEN IT WAS COMPLETELY HIS OWN FAULT??

So, why should I hate her? Because she's mean to the idiot protagonists? Because she's Yet Another Bad Mom whose actions ARE treated as Bad in the story, in the arc famous for openly weeping whenever someone's mad at their abusive dad?? When she has this whole horrific, unexamined story about how incredibly bigoted The Settlers are towards her and the extremes she goes to in order to please them?

I'm glad she's mean, actually. She should have been even meaner. I think she should have a gun

#so anon I am very sorry #Uou are going to the Shadow Realm #I am the patron saint of every woman in wc #but especially the ones in dotc #because that arc does them so fucking dirty #Wind Runner can be as mean as she wants I support her #The Settlers deserve it actually #Wind Runner #Windstar #Warrior Cats Analysis #also again everything wind runner has ever done that was mean was done worse by clear sky #but clear gets off with a slap on the wrist. IF that. #while Wind Runner gets her leg sickeningly snapped on screen as several paragraphs detail her growing fever and horrible agony #before the magic of JesusClan heals her and bestows her lives upon her #Guys getting hurt in WC: ''owie'' #Girls getting hurt in WC: (you can hear the writer breathing heavily through the 6 paragraphs of prose they use to describe her injury) #..........also. to put into perspective just how fucking bad the misogyny in this arc is; #there are only 4 female characters in Book 1 who survive to the end of Book 6. Besides some cameo cats who exist in the tribe #Wind Runner is one of them. The other three are Settlers. #I won't even say their names lol. Can you even remember who all three of the other ones are #warrior cats analysis

[smytherines]

The headcanon that keeps me up at night is the idea that Owen Carvour was this very closed-off, isolated guy who just singlemindedly devoted himself to spycraft (almost as if it were his special interest) and was generally disinterested in any sort of relationship- romantic or otherwise- and suddenly agent Curt Mega strolls into his life and stubbornly insists on being part of it.

And Owen is just completely, utterly fascinated with this guy. Infatuated with him. How could he not be? Curt is perhaps the only person on Earth that can keep pace with Owen, that can best him (not that Owen would ever admit to it). He's so different from Owen, but they're also very much the same.

And over a number of years Curt wins his trust. First by being an excellent (if unconventional) partner, and then they start a physical relationship. And then Owen actually finds himself in love with this person, an attachment he never wanted but now can't live without (in a way he sort of resents Curt for sometimes).

He feels these things in an overwhelming but impossible to articulate way, to the degree that he willingly puts himself in a position to be outnumbered 21 to 1 to rescue Curt from a Russian weapons facility- because that's what you do when you love someone, right? You flip off god and walk backwards into hell for them.

So when Curt leaves Owen to die, part of him just fractures. This delicate, imperfect, but still very real trust he had in Curt is absolutely shattered. He's afraid and helpless and critically injured, and the last thing he can remember before waking up in unimaginable pain, his body and brain damaged in a way he will never fully recover from, is the look of horror on Curt's face as he ran away.

And the worst part is that there is no way for Owen to disengage from those feelings. He will never have any sort of distance from Curt and his betrayal ever again. His body hurts constantly, his mobility is impacted, he gets headaches and vertigo and panic attacks, and every single time he is forced to relive the moment that Curt left him. Forced to relive that terror.

Every time his leg gives out while he's forcing himself to walk without crutches, or the burn scars start to ache, or his vision goes blurry and his heart feels like its going to burst out of his chest, he feels that hurt. The only person he would've ever confided those feelings in is the reason those feelings exist to begin with. That person thinks Owen is dead. And Owen sometimes wishes he had died too.

And Owen hates Curt, but more than anything he hates himself for trusting Curt. For putting himself in a vulnerable position to save Curt, only to be destroyed by Curt's hubris- part of the very same thing that made Curt irresistible to him. That cocky confidence, the effortless charm, the completely intuitive, instinctive way his mind worked- a style that had never let him down before. Owen loved him, and he knows that if the situation were reversed he would've gone back for him. He would've laid down and died next to him. And it's blisteringly painful to him to realize that the same wasn't true for Curt.

And for Curt's part I don't think he was like "oh well, fuck it, time to book." I don't think he thought at all in that moment. He didn't decide to leave Owen so much as his body, his adrenaline, his instinct made the decision for him. It was fight or flight, and his body chose flight. Speaking from personal experience, when you have ADHD and you realize that you've screwed up and you're suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, your body can just kinda carry you away without thinking.

But the leaving being involuntary doesn't help Curt deal with his grief and shame and self-hatred, because he still has to live with the decisions he did consciously make that night- leaving the banana peel on the steps, deciding to blow up the facility instead of just sending the blueprints with the watch, setting the timer for three minutes instead of four.

For years, when he's not too drunk to think at all, he endlessly relives each point where things could have gone differently. He obsessively thinks about how his pride was a bit bruised by needing to be rescued, by being chewed out by a boss who seemed to prefer his partner to him, and wondering if maybe he was more over the top than usual out of spite or insecurity, to save face with Cynthia and Barb, to impress Owen (because he loved Owen and respected him and cared about what Owen thought of him).

He wonders if Owen was right about his drinking, and then he drinks to shut out the pain of that thought.

He has to live with the decision his adrenaline made, tortured by the idea that he should've somehow fought back against that flight impulse in the moment and gone back for Owen. Tortured by the idea that maybe, if his rational brain had been fully present, he might have still made the same decision- leaving Owen to save himself.

He saw Owen twitching on the ground, grasping onto the banana peel, bleeding out on the concrete. He was almost certainly about to die, but when Curt left Owen hadn't died yet. So maybe, maybe, maybe there was a chance and Curt missed it. And every time he thinks about the possibility he feels sick. And he drinks. And he has imaginary conversations with his dead partner before passing out curled up in the corner of his bed, clutching a pillow, his eyes red and burning from the tears.

This was supposed to just be a couple of short paragraphs, but that's what I get for thinking about curtwen I guess

#cannot believe the inciting incident of this show is “man trips on banana peel- dies” #spies are forever #tin can bros #curtwen #owen carvour #agent curt mega #saf #tcb #saf headcanons

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Neurodivergent!Hobie Brown Headcanons - Hobie Brown having AuDHD

Hobie Brown has AuDHD (Autism & ADHD) because I have AuDHD and I love him and want him to have AuDHD :) i was reminded of this and this is mostly me projecting so uhhh...here

____________________________________________________

Love the idea of Hobie Brown having ADHD and autism

Like his attention is shit. And he doesn't care.

He's always working or tinkering or planning away at something, writing some song, but he's never doing what 'he's supposed to do'.

He's Hobie - he's going to do whatever he wants to do and whatever strikes his fancy.

It's the ADHD. He procrastinates, and if you tell him to do something - yeah, he's not doing that

but when he needs to get something done he gets it done. ALWAYS. Somehow.

Miguel is asking for mission reports and he's like 'piss off m8'. He gets it done when he needs to don't ask questions

Super truthful. He doesn't see the point in lying. He's never mean about it, but he never hides the truth.

Stims a lot.

Always fidgeting with something. Doesn't carry stim toys cause he always loses them - fiddles with anything his hands come across instead

Chews on pens when he's trying to think or write a song

Fiddles with his piercings and lip ring a lot

Constantly losing his guitar pick, gets pissed off and can't find it even though it's right in front of him

He has ADHD-combined so sometimes he's pacing back and forth and other times he's just zoned the fuck out daydreaming

DOODLES on everything.

STICKERS everywhere.

Doesn't mask AT ALLLL

If he doesn't understand a joke he will ask - especially if he can tell it's meanspirited

Sleep schedule is wrecked. He hates the AM - and gets up at like 4pm. he's up at 2am playing electric guitar on the loudest volume and drinking a coffee at 8am before going to bed

Bounces his leg really really hard then tells people to piss off when they demand he stops

VERBAL STIMS. OH MY GOD

CONSTANTLY repeating song lyrics, even random ones. Repeats them to himself while pacing as a way to relax

Stims on his guitar, plays the same chord over and over and over.

The chords of 'Immigrant Song' - by Led Zeppelin is a popular choice of his

Gwen stims by tapping and drumming on things so they can be sitting there and play-stimming a song without even noticing

Doesn't follow rules he doesn't understand or thinks are unreasonable

Will argue with someone over it when confronted and tell them exactly why their rule makes no sense

He'll 'talk back' to authority and someone will be like 'Hobie you can't say that!!!' and he will genuinely be like 'why???'

Used to get put in 'time out' A LOT. Big 'problem child', always talking in class, wandering off, etc

Light sensitive.

His room dark as fuck boooooyyyy

Black out curtains, no clothes in the drawers, 12,000 unattended water bottles everywhere

NEVER makes the bed but has other cleaning routines he HAS to do

loves planning shit, planned out all of ASTV in detail, keeps really detailed notes of stuff

but his handwriting only makes sense to him

remembers everything about his friends but doesn't know what day it is

Time Blind as FUCKKKKKKK. So hard to get a hold of him or get him to text back.

You see him when you see him - either he's early or he's late as hell.

Says 'five minutes' but gets distracted or severely underestimates the time.

Special interest is his records and they mean a lot to him

Knows everything there is to know about every album he owns, takes really good care of them and his player - the only thing he'll spend money on

Very creative, has many creative projects he starts and stops and never really completes

10,000 half finished patches and prototypes

But he's really talented and handy because of it

Like he knows random ass statements in dozens of languages cause he memorizes the weirdest stuff and sometimes run into situations where he really needs it

Like the first time they go to Mumbattan looking for Pavi Gwen is like "ugh how are we gonna ask people 'have you seen this boy' in Marathi?" and Hobie is like "i got this" and she's like "Bro HOW"

REAL ASS AUDHD EXPERIENCE: Being able to memorize copious amounts of information about things that don't matter at all

Hobie has so many facts inside of him that he just drops so casually

And people are like how are you so smart

and of course he's like 'i was smart this whole time'

People think he's rude or an idiot because he doesn't make eye contact or doesn't face people when spoken to

but he's not at all, and he's very good at picking up little details

Dry but hilarious sense of humor that takes seven layers of irony and 3 years of context to even process

Probably has one completely left-field unrelated hyperfixation that catches people off guard. Is completely unashamed about it

When he's overstimulated he gets very irritated and snappy and fidgety -

Has to leave the room immediately - will stop everything and just get up and head straight to the door

If he can't leave he'll start covering his ears or put his head down against a table

Has loss of speech episodes sometimes, but not only when stressed. Lots of times it happens while relaxed or really deep in thought/daydream. His closest friends can understand him perfectly fine, and can tell when he's just chilling vs when he needs support

Will stand up in a 'quiet' room and say "what's that noise??" cause he can hear electric buzzing and it's pisses him off

He still blasts his music loud as hell in his headphones

Puts something into one of his many pockets then immediately begins to look for where he put said thing

Always pulling stuff out of his pockets, looking slightly impressed but confused as to how it got there, or how long it's been there

Has the weirdest palette. Weird ass food combos. The type of guy to put one sauce on everything

Probably eats beans on toast like twice a day

His comfort food is a Gregg's Sausage Roll from a very specific branch in East London, others taste a bit off to him and he can tell if it's not the right one. He'll still eat it, but he can tell it's not right

Most of these are SUCH a projection but I love him so so so much ok bye bye

#hobie brown #spider punk #spiderpunk #atsv #across the spiderverse #spiderman #spider man #gwen stacy #spider gwen #headcanons #marvel

[whatsnewalycat]

This is gonna come out clumsy and like me being a big cry baby probably but idk here we go.

My entry point into the pedro fandom was reading fanfics, then I felt inspired enough to start writing stories I wanted to read. Before I started reading fics, though, I hadn’t been able to read a story for years and years, maybe a decade or more lol. I managed to get through Dreamcatcher by Stephen King in three years, and I listened to audiobooks, but reading is incredibly challenging for me because of ADHD. So I was really stoked that the adhd brain accepted my attempts to read fanfiction.

Once I started writing fanfics, it’s like that switch turned off. I try to read things, and sometimes I’m able to, but it’s like herding cats in my brain. And it sucks because I’ve made these connections with other writers here in this fandom, and I want to read their things and contribute and be encouraging, but I just cannot sometimes. It makes me feel like a shitty friend and a bad representative of this fandom, which is a me problem I know that.

Idk. I guess this is just an acknowledgement… I’m not good about reading and reblogging other people’s stories. And I hate that. And I’m sorry.

If you’re a fellow writer, it doesn’t mean I don’t support you or think you fucking rule or anything like that, it’s just that my brain won’t let me even though I really want to.

Sometimes I think about recording myself reading fics to add a new interesting dimension that might appease the adhd gods. Also sometimes I think about how doing that might be a way for other people who have difficulties with reading to access fics. But that would involve audio editing and boy howdy do I have no fucking clue what that all entails.

Anyway. Until I have this breakdown again, xoxo, aly.

#this is me over explaining myself due to guilt hello hi #just adhd things

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Headcanons: (this is just me projecting more because it was a lot of fun last time)

Leo has ADHD and a lot of head trauma 

And because of that, he will not remember a singular thing the group says 

If they want him to remember something important they have to tell him and then text him a reminder

And then text him another reminder to mark the day on both his calendars (he has one on his wall and his phone)

If they miss a singular one of these steps he won't remember and then he will blame them

“You never told me this!” is a sentence that leaves his mouth often

Leo gets overstimulated very easily which sucks because he’s an extrovert 

He wants to spend time with his family all of the time but if too much is going on at once he’ll break down

When the boys were younger Splinter tried to force them to wear clothes and all of them hated it

Donnie hated denim he said it made his skin itch and if it was too tight he couldn't breathe

Leo used to hate loose-fitting clothes

If any fabric brushed up against him he would get irritated 

But now tight clothes make him want to crawl out of his skin

Raph can’t wear harsh fabrics they make him feel restricted and he hates that

Mikey hates the feeling of tags touching his skin

I mean don’t get me wrong they all hate it but if any tag touches Mikey’s skin he will start angry crying

Mikey and Leo have a lot of the same vocal stims

And sometimes they will say the same thing at the same time and repeat it back and forth like parrots

Raph will be hanging out in his room and he’ll just hear his siblings yell “yippie! AAAAAA” over and over again

And when someone says something funny Leo will repeat it over and over again

It doesn’t matter that the joke isn't funny anymore he’ll repeat that joke for the next week

Raph’s vocal stims are usually simple it’s a lot of grunting/coughing 

And sometimes when he’s really frustrated he’ll scream

And god forbid the group listens to a song together because they will sing a specific lyric until the day they die (or until they listen to a new song)

And even though Donnie loves his siblings a whole lot if he has to hear them sing “I’M LIQUID SMOOTH COME TOUCH ME TOO” at the top of their lungs one more time he’s gonna snap

Leo taps his fingers and feet when he’s thinking and if you try and get him to stop his brain will short circuit 

When he was younger Splinter tried to stop him from doing it and Leo screamed at the top of his lungs

He never tried to stop him after that 

When the boys get excited they’ll flap their hands

Mikey will often jump up and down and run in a circle 

And Leo will rock back and forth on his feet or he’ll hop from foot to foot

When Donnie is overwhelmed he rocks back and forth and bites his nails

And Raph can’t sit still when he’s stressed 

He often paces back and forth while scratching at his skin

When April saw the boys messing with their hands she got them fidget necklaces 

Leo cried when April gave it to him (it’s one of his favorite things in the world)

In return, Donnie makes her a lot of fidget toys 

Because if she’s not constantly moving she will lose her mind

The twins can pick just about any lock

When they were younger they found a lockpicking kit and fell in love 

They have regular competitions to see who is faster 

Leo can’t hear out of his left ear

After everything he experienced in the movie, I would be surprised if he could hear at all (I mean come on the poor boy got tossed around like a hacky sack)

If the group whispers around him he will yell at the top of his lungs “what did you say?”

The combination of ADHD and hearing loss makes him very loud 

And his family has to constantly remind him to keep it down 

Leo will hide his more serious injuries from his family and when they ask him about them he just jokes around

He dislocated his shoulder twice and just popped it back in like it was no big deal

And when Mikey asked him why his arm was in a sling he told him “oh my shoulder is a little fucked up don't worry about it”

When his family confronted him about this all he said was “I thought it was normal”

Raph almost fainted when Leo said “wait y’all didn’t start to lose your hearing at 15? That's weird”

And they all know he’s fucking around because he’s the medic he knows that it’s not normal to dislocate and relocate your shoulder and then go about your day 

And that’s what worries them

#did I get to personal with this one? #mayhaps #do i care? no #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt headcanons #medic leo #rottmnt leo #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt raph #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt april #disaster twins #rottmnt splinter #they all have autism and adhd #prove me wrong #save rottmnt

[thebibliosphere]

Do you have any thoughts about the 27 chapter method of writing or are there other ones you might recommend more? I’m extremely disorganized and indecisive when writing which is frustrating because I never actually end up making progress. An existing outline method to at least get all of my thoughts down and decide where the story will go (instead of 27 possibilities and nothing concrete) would be extremely helpful but I don’t want a very obvious cookie cutter type story if that makes sense

The 27-chapter method works well for some people, but I'm not a huge fan. It fucks with my ADHD too much because if I map something out and define it as having 27 chapters, then it's got to have 27 chapters, no more, no less. If I realize during the writing process that the plan isn't going to be executed the way I envisioned it, so help me, god, my brain will derail this entire thought train, and there will be no survivors.

It was a problem I frequently ran into when redrafting the first Hunger Pangs book, and my brain melted trying to assign chapters to things. I told my editors at one point, "I can't do this. Can you find where the chapter breaks should go?" and they very graciously took my walls of text and figured out where the chapter breaks should go because it's just not something my brain is good at doing. In fact, it was preventing me from actually writing.

(I suspect that's why I enjoyed the earlier Pratchett books so much. No chapters = no breaking my focus.)

It sounds to me like you're a natural pantser, not a plotter, but you're also (like me) the type of person who needs a liittttle bit of structure to help you keep flying by the seat of your pants or the momentum drops off, and you get bogged down in the wrong details.

The way I do this is to basically sit myself down and figure out the A to Z of the story, write down a list of things I Absolutely Want to Have Happen that I set into stone, and then kind of start listing things off like bullet points. Like this:

So top of my page is the starting goal, what do I want to have happen? I want my Blorbo to go on an adventure. Why? To... defeat the Evil Blorbo!

That is basically as simplistic as you can get. Some people don't need to get that simple, but sometimes setting it down on paper really helps, especially when you're prone to getting stuck in other details that don't progress the plot.

Next, I list out the core things I want to happen that are set in stone. So things like: -Blorbo's parent dies. -Blorbo meets the ragtag band of adventurers who teach them to survive. -Blorbo gets a sword that is integral to world-building. -Blorbo gets a scar as a sign of both the physical and psychological changes that have affected them. -Evil Blorbo gets their ass kicked.

Those things are set in stone like milestone markers and I will usually try to make them hit certain narrative beats for whatever genre I'm in, though not always. Sometimes a cool sword is just a cool sword.

Next, I move on to figuring out how I get to those points.

This is when I start writing the plot out as a laundry list:

PART ONE

Blorbo wakes up on the farm one day. It is a [descriptor] day. How does Blorbo feel about this?

Blorbo and their dad have a meaningful and deep conversation that will make the reader instantly hate you for killing him off in the next ten pages.

Blorbo meets up with their friends. Character building and perhaps some world-building ensues.

An EVENT of some sort happens, and CHAOS ensues.

PARENTAL FIGURE eats shit and dies.

Blorbo is thrust out into the world.

Blorbo on the road: shit is terrifying, and they really wish this adventure was happening to someone else.

And so on, so forth.

I make a point not to number any of these individual parts, as it helps me to move them around if I need to without feeling like I'm breaking up some set-in-stone order. If you want to try and break your list up into Parts to follow conventional story arcs, you can do that too.

But you can also leave that until the end if you like. As I said, I split my stuff up into chapters and parts during the editing phase.

There's no one right way to do this.

I also try to keep the list vague, as if I personally go into too much detail during the plotting stage, I lose interest in actually exploring the narrative details while writing. Because fuck me I guess.

Don't worry if the above is too vague for you. Nothing is stopping you from going back to those bullet points and expanding on them later if that works better for your creative needs.

The main goal right now is just getting from A to Z and listing out the steps so that you have a roadmap to find your way before you get distracted. It really is just sometimes helpful to say "Character does X" so you can move on and keep plotting until you have the vaguest of outlines which you can then expand on further if you want to.

After I've bullet-pointed my way from start to finish, I'll maybe go back and identify some areas in the story where I should be hitting certain genre beats, but otherwise, I'll just start writing and see what fits where.

Some people are likely screaming at how simplistic and undetailed that is, but again, everyone's creative process is different, and it's really just about playing around until you find that one that works for you.

I've tried just about every "how to write" guide out there, and in the end what works for me is a bastardized amalgamation of all of them.

I can't be a true panster, but nor can I be a detailed plotter.

I absolutely cannot think of things in strict chapter outlines or I will get overwhelmed. But breaking them up into parts is fine.

I also have to remind myself that sometimes when you are writing, a better solution will present itself and this does not mean the whole project needs to change/you need to start over.

The destination is still the same, and you will likely still hit many of the same points along the way. It's just now you might be taking a detour, and thankfully, you don't have to redraw the whole map. You can just follow the signs marked "diversion," which thankfully, you can also control because all of this is within you control.

Even when it doesn't feel like it.

I hope some of that is helpful. I'm still trying to work out how to explain how I do things in a clear manner. So I apologize if this isn't helpful 😅

#writing #plotting #pantsing #herding your adhd into writing a plot outline #like herding cats #long post

[isa-ghost]

I always want more q!phil headcanons, even if there are not asks about it

Oh fuck yeah man. Here's my previous sets if you haven't read them:

Set 1

Set 2

Set 3

And here's more:

He fucking HATES feeling on edge. He's extremely familiar with it, but that never dulls his hatred for the ick it gives him. That knot in his stomach, the flutter in his chest, the reeling in his mind, the fire in his nerves, the tremble in his limbs. That unshakeable feeling that no matter what or where he is, his back is vulnerable. This man wants to be Fight over Flight or Freeze EVERY time, so when he can't control the situation or can't anticipate what happens, he mcfreaks it. How can he prepare to survive when he doesn't know what to prep against? Or in the case of the Ender King business, how can he do anything to prepare against an all-powerful God?

He's struggling a bit with the whole Rose thing. Does he keep her a Death Family Secret? Does he extend her protection to his closest friends like Fit & Ramon? He'd like to give them the same extra layer of security he has from her, even if just to give Fit a little more peace of mind, but he respects Rose & values her & her aid deeply. He doesn't want to stretch her too thin, or worse, come off like he takes her love & protection for granted. It's the one case in which, while very tempting, he resists that urge to be overzealous. He's just torn because he doesn't want to see any of his friends hurt. So because of the way he is, he feels guilty that he has a secret extra oomph to how safe he & his kids are

Speaking of Rose, when there's no immediate crisis at hand, he loves to gush to her about life. He talks so highly of Missa & Fit & Etoiles. He asks her if she's seen the latest silly things Chayanne & Tallulah have done. He rants on and on about the Federation. Can you believe those guys Rose?

He tries and, like in all other situations, fails not to swear around/to Rose. She's a deity, a very.. not exactly formal, but Prestigious deity nonetheless. It's no place for swearing. But Phil is cursed with Autopilot Sailor Mouth so half the time he's dropping f bombs while heated or scared about something, he's not even registering what's coming out of his mouth. Besides, he's gotta focus his train of thought or else them 80 HDs he's got will derail it. Can't be focused on not saying the fuck word

Speaking of ADHD, much like his swearing, he sometimes doesn't register himself vocal stimming either. Boosh boosh boosh, he's tunnel-visioned on his task. The kids & polycule find it endearing to witness. Sometimes they get passed onto other islanders

He thinks Bagi is so fucking cool. Like yeah, it's cool his good friend Cellbit has a sister or whatever but that's not what makes her cool. She's fucking brilliant. She's headstrong, she knows what she wants & what she's looking for. She gets shit DONE. And god help whoever hinders her efforts. He's allergic to giving himself any credit whatsoever, so in his eyes she's a billion times cooler & smarter & more badass than he is, rather than like. A few thousand times cooler & smarter. But yeah, she's a superhero in his eyes

Tbh putting him with either of the Theory Twins is a sight to behold. Phil is a brilliant strategist & very resourceful. There's such strong, immaculate chemistry between this man who loves to think & is a natural at planning, and either of the twins who are good at making the puzzle pieces fit & seeking out nooks & crannies for more info. When put together they truly are a force to be reckoned with to the Federation

When left to his own devices & off-duty as dad + not needed by any of the islanders for something serious, he let's loose. No more wise bad bitch crow man who's palpably emotionally damaged yet won't admit it. He's off the shits. You've seen Eggza. That's him de-stressing by fully indulging his favorite things: preparing necessities for survival & being an absolute wildcard.

I can't tell if I like the idea he legitimately can't see glass bc crow hybrid or the idea that he fakes it to amuse the kids & his friends For The Bit better. Maybe he plays it off like a bit but he legit can't see it. Idk.

I said it in a rant about Phil's characterization and I'll say it again: this man doesn't fucking realize he's flawed. Like he thinks he is but not in the way he actually is. He doesn't recognize his actual flaws as flaws. Or doesn't realize they're flaws. Or maybe is ignoring that they're flaws because he uses them to cope or something. Either way. What this man THINKS are his flaws & his actual flaws are entirely different things. In his mind his actual flaws are something he thinks are normal bc he's just Been That Way for so long.

This one follows the assumption that hc!Phil & q!Phil are the same person but his memory is lost, BUT: while making multiple bases (Phil & Missa, The Nest, Uppies 2, etc) is a strategic move against threats, it's also perhaps... a subconscious thing on Phil's part. Discovering massive, beautiful places & adding his own touches to it to either restore or improve his finds... He can't quite place or even explain why he enjoys this.

He likes to collect things that make him think of his friends & the kids ("oh Tallulah will like this!" "Ooh, Fit said something about needing that!") but because he has that good ol ADHD memory, he'll store it in a backpack for later & then promptly forget about it or get distracted

God, he is so incredibly proud of Tallulah for liking to build pretty things like her farm or botanical garden. She really is su niña <3

[Wants to support Chayanne by being involved in his cooking hobby] [Observes Chayanne cooking] [Absorbs no knowledge whatsoever] :D

He hates the rain. Not only is it a Quesadilla Island Horrors omen, but it's also annoyingly wet & makes for even more dangerous mobs around. Also the bad weather makes his wing pain flare up

If only communicators (meta: in-game chat) allowed for sending pictures. At least then he could send Missa memes while they're apart 😭

Stay tuned, I have like 4 other sets coming because I got asks. :D

#qsmp #qsmp philza #q!philza #philza #qphil headcanons