#there’s a LOT of resentment to unpack there! a lot of issues to work through before there’s a sliver of a chance at reconciliation akjmsda

[thedeadthree]

😭 👪 🌹 🌌 🔪 + Anya!

GABBY BELOVED. hello hii dear! i hope ur doing well and having the loveliest day/night! ty so much for asking about the current girl occupying the headspace!

OC EMOJI ASKS (x)

😭 CRYING - what makes them cry? do they cry easily?

to her, all her ability to cry was lost to her the day her dad died. after that, and for a straight month afterwards, then a period where she refused to utter a SOUND for a 5 month period.. she hasn’t and refused to let anyone push her to the point of tears again. these days, she prefers to make OTHERS cry (like the true villainess she is ajsknas). and to push her to that point it would take the death of her uncle, or worse so, the one always at her corner for as long as she could remember and love of her life ash. these two remaining anchors would be enough to do it. and given that anya possesses gravikinesis AND umbrakinesis aka: the abilities to manipulate shadows and gravity itself, for the worlds sake ONE BETTER HOPE NOTHING HAPPENS TO THEM.

👪 FAMILY - what is their family like? what is your ocs relationship to them? does your oc have any siblings?

YOU ARE ASKING THE BEST QUESTIONS GABBY i literally adore u for that omg. the can of WORMS this is jsdndah. so there is her father who passed away by assassination, her estranged mother, her uncle luka (and current head of the family) the man who has raised her since her fathers passing a decade prior, her babushka and dedushka.

her family relationships are... complicated? her mother, a superhero who separated from her father to continue her career in hero work (she chose her celebrity and reputation in essence kdosja) THEY HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE THAT CONFRONTATION and its a good thing! it would take a LOT for her to like.. make anya forgive her. (like when her mother comes asking for help in the story its gonna be INTERESTING jksdfkjf). her and her uncle have always been close! this is her closest familial connection, the number one supporter of her succession as the head of the morozov crime family AND her desire for vengeance against her fathers murderers. her relationship with the rest of her family, her babushka and dedushka and the morozov crime family is good..? she has a high respect for both of them and is poised to take the seat as head of the family. its a good relationship! her dad passed away and to be truthful the only person who could have been her anchor towards a more altruistic path.. had he still been alive she would have chosen to become a vigilante just as he was. :’) he was her anchor, her favorite person.. CRYING.

🌹 ROSE - do they like valentines day? have they been confessed to before? have they confessed to anyone before?

she likes it fine! annushka’s thoughts these days are more veering towards her 25th birthday and her divine vengeance against her fathers killers skansk, but she likes the holiday fine! its nice to be appreciated by her admirers u know? 😌 and she has! many.. MANY times. she has had more than her fair share of admirers, and although they were nice, looked nice and the gifts were as well.. none of them were all that appealing. she actually hasn’t! anya is one of those under the expectation that if she loves someone, she doesn’t need to tell them for them to know! perhaps its bc shes got a particular person in mind to give that honor to and this is all just an excuse sajhnsd.

🌌 MILKY WAY - what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

this is my fav question ahh I adore talking and reading about inspo behind characters ☺️!! i had an oc from a LONG while ago from something from a different thing and she is the successor! (a far more unhinged, far more vengeful and villain aligned oc!) also! the lasombra from vtm (the RUTHLESSNESS and the shadow manipulation!), DANY very inspired by daenerys (the domino of tragedies in a short time that led to her losing control), and a bit of witcher 3 ciri! (the revenge kill of imlerith for vesemir and anya wanting to kill her fathers murderers) i also was very inspired by her umbrakinesis when I made her pinterest board and so a lot of that has elements of shadow and the black and white aesthetic, this is also the first thing i decided for her! and that her name/nickname would be anya! ive always wanted to name an oc anya, and was waiting to find the PERFECT oc to fit that and! she did!

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

NOT WELL NOT ONE BIT. as she is on a hunt for BLOOD in regards to her fathers killers, and how she handled her fathers death and her own misfortunes as a whole. the whole declaration of making the ones who have wronged her pay for what they’ve done to who she cares for and who has cared for her, to wrong her loved ones is a VERY bad idea! one that’ll cost you! she’ll raze the entire city if it means divine retribution sadsjndai. she doesn’t! whoever had misstepped on those she loved its THEM who hurt them and it’ll be THEM who will be sorry! but she used to blame herself!

#we support the evil ladies here! and u know what? good for her! #🌿: gabby #queennymeria #THANK U DEARIEE this was lovely to do! will never not adore this ask game.. ITS THE BEST TO DEVELOP THE LOVES WITH u know? #oc: annushka zima #GOLLY a lot of the day her father passed shaped her as a person didn’t it :’) #she needs a hug SHE NEEDS ONE.. she also wants her dad back and to wake up to her fathers k*llers d*ead but! it is what it is! #her spotify is also gives a futuristic yet dramatic and sometimes operatic and grandiose feel? that was the aesthetic I was going for? #her mom... yea. they do not have the best of relationships if u can even call the relationship between an estranged mother + daughter that #there’s a LOT of resentment to unpack there! a lot of issues to work through before there’s a sliver of a chance at reconciliation akjmsda #this got HEAVY but then again.. anya doesn’t have the happiest of stories ssakjnskd :’) #leg.txt #leg.ocs #leg.asks #her mother had publicly humiliated her in front of a large crowd for anya calling her her mother when she was 10.. #then when anya lashed out her mother used her empathy powers to lessen the bad look anya was doing to her reputation... yea. #this if is SO GOOD if you check it out oh my god im so excited to hear ur thoughts.. like the LAYERS of this mc.. so good!

[infernumequinomin]

"Kipperlily hates Riz because she's got a crush on him," this, "Kipperlily hates Riz because he somehow snubbed her," that... First of all, this boy imprinted instantly in a bully throwing him in a trash can thinking they could be friends, Riz wouldn't just forget someone he met in any sort of positive or negative way for zero reason. If they met, even if she didn't make a huge impression, Riz was SO desperate for companionship in Freshman year I don't think he'd have forgotten or ignored her.

I think a lot of people are forgetting the complexity of Riz's story as a poor kid who is of a "monster race" going to somewhere like Augefort through sheer working really fucking hard on the part of both him and his mom, and that they have explicitly in canon faced adversity both for their financial class and race. One of Riz's driving forces to do really well this year is so he can even GO to college. Sklonda EXPLICITLY lost her pension from YEARS of sleepless nights working as a detective and working her way up through the ranks this year (and I don't think it's something to overlook that Kipperlily's mom works as a county clerk and may have had some say there). I think Kipperlily may just be a graden variety privileged bigot who thinks some "gutter scum goblin shouldn't be in classes with normal people." And that a lot of her work with Jawbone has probably been unpacking these internalized biases.

Like, from the outside, the Bad Kids were ressurected by the principal the very first day of school, throwing the whole school into chaos and got DETENTION for it. Riz not only killed, but ATE the vice principal, after they defeated Kalvaxis! They were all on the verge of failing if they didn't complete their Sophmore year spring break project (it was 70% of their grade or some insane shit!), and while most of them may still have passed, Fig and Kristen DEFINITELY needed that credit and that is mentioned in the season, Adaine is insanely stressed about them completing their quest for "school credit".

If Kipperlily grew up rich and entitled, with all the biases about poor people that can grow (especially if her dad's real estate office owns Strong Arm Apts and she thinks of it as a slum, because it's kind of described as low income public housing lbr here) and saw that some lower class goblin was EATING PEOPLE after defeating them (you know, like a monster does, clearly not taking any time to understand his motivation OR culture), and getting preffered treatment because the principal just happened to LIKE HIM and his party (because they took the time to become closer to him over the years and Augefort clearly values students who will absolutely kick his teeth in bc adventurers are "insane violent psychopaths" citation: the Seven), and breezing through his classes without doing ANY of the work (because she doesn't SEE the work or the sleepless nights or all the stress he's taking on for others) it absolutely tracks for her to grow this huge chip on her shoulder about it and for it to reinforce these biases she may have already had about goblins and esp abt POOR goblins like Riz.

I don't think Riz did anything wrong. I think Kipperlily just has shit to fucking work thru in regards to how she views the kinds of people she doesn't know or has had no opportunity to associate with. Even among her party, they're all rich to middle class for the ones we know the class of. She's 17 and has a bunch of internalized biases, likely from her upper middle class upbringing, and major anger management issues. Idk it just makes sense to me. I met all kinds of girls like her in college who were type A to all shit who resented me for seeming to "have it easy" despite how hard my life should have been coming from a poorer background than them.

#fantasy high junior year #fhjy #theories #fantasy racism #riz gukgak #kipperlilly copperkettle

[littledigits]

That time when working in animation made me realize I needed therapy

Since we're on the topic of overworking / being passionate in animation and blah blah blah.  I want to share my story about working on the first season of Hilda (for context I was the animation director), specifically..how completely garbo my mental health got because 

I INSISTED ON WORKING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND. 

This is a story I've shared when I've had a chance to do lectures or talks, and if there is one really awesome thing that comes with ..weird ..animation clout, its that you can use those powers for good in terms of teaching people about the BS that comes with the job...anyway.

The reason why I like to talk about this is because I insisted on doing it to myself, and that was really got me thinking about the factors that do lead us into over working. Because heres the deal

Hilda season 1 was, without getting into too many details, a heckofatime...especally for the core crew. we were a small group, doing something new because most of us haven't worked on a show before that included pre production. My entire career up to that point had been working on service work for shows that were created in Burbank, so the new pipeline had a ton of challenges. We did all care, and we all believed in the project SOOOO much. I would tell people not to work over time, because I want my team to leave on time - but I was there...a lot. Leaving the studio by 11pm , working through the weekends..it wasnt an uncommon thing for me. sure , it wasnt all the time, but this stuff spans years sometimes so it went in waves. But whenever the challenges came up, i doubled down. because I super believed in it.

  And the thing was - other people told me to stop. I had a lot of valid concerns given to me by my friends and team members who saw how I was burning myself out at both ends. And I thought like, well , its my *choice*.  Its my chance to have a voice and be creative and try to do something different and we all have to push ourselves and yes its HARD but. THATS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT? surely if I just make sure I’m the one overworking and my team isn't.. that's fine. 

Well, no, I was immensely effecting my team maybe I wasn’t telling them to work late, but they were seeing me get more and more tired and stay later and later.  I thought they would still approach me for help, or if they struggled. But the issues they had they kept to themselves without wanting to put more on my shoulders. Because they *cared* , just as much as I did ..and we all took more on our shoulders then we should have and there were a lot of things that I could have solved had I fostered a better communication environment.  I became really resentful in my head over the smallest things, I actually saw myself becoming a more hateful person and easily annoyed. I came home every day rambling about the frustrations. Now, let me preface this by saying - my mental state did not only have to do with overworking. I had and have things still to unpack, but the control I had over work and the validation I got from it was a coping mechanism for me. I really didnt think i had any worth as a person outside of this job. It basically was a very nasty cycle that didnt stop until ...well I had gotten so bad I had to.  By the end of the first season I was actually incredibly close to quitting . I was in big anxiety attack territory because I was so worn thin- I had started therapy but eventually moved onto getting medication as well and that was what allowed me to stick it out. ( I have the same therapist and I am on the same meds, it was very hard to do at the time, but i cant imagine my life now without making that choice ). After it was done I was immensely supported by the studio and worked part time as a trainer, which is what i requested to give my brain a break. (Only a few of my closer friends knew how bad I was getting but it was pretty obvious I needed to rest) I'm really proud of the work we did and we keep doing on the show, ..and some other people may have gone through something similar and found it was worth it, but thats not me. I still struggle not to fall back into that mindset, but it helps knowing that if i keep myself out of it , i can help my team out of it, because I know they care about this show just as much as I do. I’m not a martyr, I am a leader, and its up to me to keep myself healthy so I can keep my crew healthy.   I always strive to be better, but i get to decide what that looks like - and for me ..better has nothing to do with the image on the screen. Its got more to do with the experience of the people around me. Readjusting those priorities has helped a lot with keeping my head above water and not add to the pressure that makes it so hard not to get sucked down in the first place.  I do think its good to talk about though , how our passion and language and drive can lead to a lot of us being a part of this cycle. And if theres one good thing about the challenges, its sharing them so at least others can learn faster then you did ;) . take care of yourself friends.

#animation #animation industry #director talk #i still think of how many people told me to stop and how i didnt #i tell people to stop and they dont but i do understand why #thats why this shit is ingrained and its more then just words #here you go a big long animation ramble :D

[dreameralive]

i've been thinking a lot about this post and while the idea of Onision Jack Slash is incredibly funny, i wanted to do an actual dissection of what i think Earth Aleph Jack Slash would be like

i imagine that his trauma would not change since it has no relation to the existence of parahumans, so while he is not an actively dangerous person to be around due to the combination of his powers and mental state, he still has a rabid need to be in control, and a strong dislike of other people, particularly authority figures.

he is removed from his parents custody but has no murder hobos to take him in this time, so i imagine he'd experience something similar to Rachel in which he is cycled through foster homes because he's unstable in a way that is not palatable enough for the assholes to keep him around and too intense for the more genuinely well-meaning people to manage him - and where Rachel is aggressive and defiant and has a need to assert herself as the 'alpha', Jacob is too, but in the other direction. his desperate need for control would manifest in semi-similar ways that it does on Earth Bet, so he's often trying to assert dominance over the other kids via violence, and keeping them compliant and quiet by scaring them. generally, he would play the part of A Good Little Boy so he'll be kept around, however he is still as easily provoked as he is in canon, so he'd still wind up physically lashing out and being moved around a lot.

i think, eventually, he would wind up with a family that is patient enough to adopt him and get him a therapist. make no mistake, however, because while this would make him appear significantly more like a normal person than Jack Slash and make his issues somewhat more manageable, he'd still retain the meat of his problems (resentment at the feeling of helplessness/weakness) because no therapist in the world could ever get him to confront and unpack that

as an adult i imagine he's, again, pretty normal seeming. suburban house, no wife no kids, typical job (not a desk job that would make his complex fucking unbearable but something regular enough), has a garden. still visits a therapist after work (it's not helping). he's like Patrick Bateman if Patrick Bateman had a lot more self control I think (i have not seen American Psycho). completely average in every way on the outside but constantly internally monologuing about how everyone around him is weak and stupid and a cog in the machine (not him, though, he's Smart and Superior).

tl;dr:

#this is my first time posting a serious analysis about Worm so i'm kind of nervous lol #originals #speech #worm #wormblr #parahumans #jack slash #worm spoilers #child abuse

[nonmonogamy-culture-is]

Rules vs Agreements vs Boundaries

I see these confused a lot, so here’s a simple guide to them!

Rules:

Rules are things put in place to control someone else’s behavior, whether that be a partner, a metamour, or anyone else. (Yes, it’s still a rule if you have to follow it too). Rules are strict and breaking them always has some kind of punishment involved. The punishment can be anything, maybe something decided in advance (If you do X, I’ll do Y), or even just the fight you’ll get into when it’s broken. Some examples of rules in non-monogamous relationships are:

1. You can only be with people as long as I approve, and you have to dump them if I say so (veto power)

2. We can only date cis women (one-penis-policy)

3. We have to spend at least 4 nights a week together

4. No sleeping with someone else unless I’ve met them first

5. Always be home by 11:00 PM

Now, it is possible to have healthy rules in a relationship, don’t get me wrong. However, it’s also common for rules to cause resentment and mistrust in relationships. Before making a rule, please consider where you are coming from with the rule. Most rules come from places of fear, mistrust, or insecurity. You may be making assumptions about how your partner will treat you without the rule in place, assuming the worst. Once you identify the feeling behind a proposed rule, you can attack the problem at its source instead of using a rule to cover it up. It’s similar to jealousy, in that respect. If you and your partner agree the rule comes from a good and constructive place, then you have a good rule.

Agreements:

Agreements are the hardest to pin down and describe, in my opinion. Agreements are trusting each other and acknowledging each other’s needs and your commitment to meeting those to the best of your abilities. Multiamory describes the difference between the philosophy of agreements and rules as, “A philosophy of communication and trust, as opposed to a philosophy of restriction and requirement”. Please remember that the philosophy and intent behind what you and your partner agree to is more important than the language used. Regardless of whether you call it a rule or an agreement, it’s the intent that makes it healthy or unhealthy. Possible agreement alternatives to the rule examples are:

1. We will trust each other’s judgment in our other relationships, and we’ll be aware of and work through any jealousy they cause

2. We will work together to unpack the insecurities the one who set the rule had, and take agreed upon baby steps towards dating other men and/or people with penises to help ease them into the change while we work through this insecurity

3. We will spend deliberate time together each week and not take our living together for granted

4. We will stay safe during sex and be open and transparent with each other about our sex practices, and we will communicate about and work through our jealousy and insecurities together

5. We will trust each other to be safe and responsible while out, and we will keep each other updated about when we will get home and if we’ll be late so not to cause worry

Boundaries:

Boundaries are things that you can enforce all on your own. They are self-empowering, unlike rules, which give all of the power to the other person. Boundaries are a healthy way to protect yourself and a staple in all relationships. Some examples of boundaries in relationships are:

1. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive

2. I will not have unprotected sex with someone who is having unprotected sex with other people 

3. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who smokes

4. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is deceptive

5. I will not share intimate details about my other relationships with my other partners unless it directly affects them and/or our sexual safety

The only issue with boundaries is how easy it is to turn them into threats. Going back to example number three, this can be turned into a threat by saying “If you don’t stop smoking, I will leave you”. This manipulative and controlling behavior, and it puts the power back into the partners hands, so it is no longer self-empowering. It stops being a boundary entirely, both because of the power shift, the intent behind it, and the fact that you’re still in the relationship. Boundaries are the final defense. If your boundary is broken and you don’t enforce it, and instead choose to turn it into a threat to control your partner, it loses everything that makes it a boundary and becomes another way to take control. You can avoid this by making sure the focus stays on you, what you’re comfortable with, and what you’ll do to take care of yourself. Always be honest with yourself about your intentions, and never be afraid to enforce a boundary. Keeping yourself safe is more important than the relationship and/or action that is compromising that.

For more information, I highly suggest the Multiamory podcast episode “Rules vs. Agreements feat. Boundaries”. It goes a little more in-depth than I did, and it was my main resource when writing this post.

#rules vs agreements vs boundaries #rules #agreements #boundaries #relationship advice #non-monogamy #nonmonogamy #enm #polyamory #polyam #polya #relationship anarchy #educational #multiamory #multiamory podcast

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, its me again telling the story of my beef with Cheritz for how they completely shoved Saeyoung's trauma under the rug.

It still feel angry and resentful that even in his own timeline his trauma and his mental condition was not addressed at. all.

Many of his decisions were not healthy for neither himself nor Saeran but it was bcs he didn't know any better. He knew he had to make a difficult decision and he did it.

As his mc we weren't allowed to do anything for him even when we could see how he clearly didn't care for himself.

Seeing Saeyoung doing everything alone all throughout Saeran's recovery was really hard for me. Perhaps because I relate to him so much, I could feel what he must've been going through. Always on an edge trying to make the correct decision so that nothing falls apart. Seeing Saeran in such a way must've been so unbearably hard for him but he had to stay strong for the both of them ignoring all the feelings of guilt, shame, anger, self loathing and so much more filling him to the brim. Making sure that Saeran is safe no matter what. Also completely ignoring his own health in the process.

Saeyoung should've had an arc dedicated to him at least starting to unlearn his trauma. I know it would've taken time but I didn't mind, they already addressed everyone else's trauma. They could've definitely gone another mile for him and involved mc too.

This is just something I always struggle with as a Saeyoung MC. Whenever I play any route or after ending or backstory or literally anything in the game. Nowhere is Saeyoung's trauma addressed and validated. It's implied but never addressed. Rather treated as a noble sacrifice on his part. Pain that he would happily take on for Saeran's wellbeing because he is just so selfless. But that is so wrong, there is so much guilt and trauma behind it and it feeds into his extreme paranoia making him unable to see that he is not only holding himself back from healing but Saeran as well.

I felt so useless throughout the whole sequence. I just wanted to be there for him in any way, be it bringing them something to eat or just sharing a simple phonecall with Saeyoung asking him how things are going, to let him talk about his feelings. But we were just made just spectators unable to do anything but see them.

I'm sorry for dumping this onto you, I saw your post about Saeyoung's parentification and had so many thoughts I wanted to share. I knew Saeyoung had deep rooted trauma that made him completely disregard himself and his needs but didn't have a word for it. You explained it perfectly. And I appreciate you for that. These aspects of him are hardly ever talked about so I was really happy you did.

So even if you might disagree with me on this, but I believe Saeyoung deserved to have an arc to unpack his trauma. Alas it's not possible anymore.

Thank you again Kait 🫶

I'm not a Saeyoung MC by any means, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him and want better for him. I love him like a brother and I have a hard time seeing him suffer over and over again when he has the ability to reach out and ask for help in his route and subsequent after ending.

I get why he does what he does, and I've had the time to understand him as a person to know why he made a lot of... well, reckless choices in the name of doing the right thing. He knows that sometimes, there is only one option, and it's taking the road that's just a little less worse in comparison to the other road you could take. That's just the way it works sometimes, and there isn't another way around it. But, in most situations where Saeyoung is suffering—

He could've gotten all the help in the world if he asked for it. He has trust issues and he's fraught with paranoia, but the RFA will not give up on him no matter what. If he asks for help, he'll get it. That's been proven countless times. But, it's his trauma that makes him deny the help every time. He doesn't want to help himself. He wants to help his baby brother. That's his reason for living.

But, he doesn't need to be selfless to the point where he suffers, and I wish—I wish so often—that Saeyoung could've been allowed to have a lot more agency over his trauma, as well as the ability to talk about it and confront it. He deserves love and to be helped the way he helps his family. He shouldn't deny it. He shouldn't run away from it. That's a huge narrative arc of his route and we all know it.

The Secret Ending could've done well to have added that to his MC. Something, anything, just a snapshot of MC trying to help him and him taking that help. Even if that help was as small as bringing him dinner to share with Saeran. It makes sense why he would be wary of MC being around Saeran or Saeran being around MC just on the off chance that it would be traumatic, I get his reasoning there and I'm sure many Saeyoung MCs don't blame him for that.

But, MC needed the ability to do something. That is probably one of my only pieces of blunt criticism when it comes to that. Saeyoung is someone who just promised to be honest, open, and clear with you about his feelings and identity. I'm not saying he shouldn't regress or struggle, because God knows he would fall into old habits, but where in the hell is the scene where Saeyoung has a goddamn meltdown in MC's arms because he is so tired of being strong?!

Something! Anything!

For the love of God, allow Saeyoung the opportunity to heal from his trauma in a healthy way, and grant him the chance to be vulnerable with the person he loves more than anything because that's what the Saeyoung MCs want! Saeyoung, you've been fighting long enough. I think it's time to rest. You don't need to be the only one who carries a burden on his back. Let's carry this fear, together.

#it's what i want too #mystic messenger #mysme #mm #mod kait #mysticmessenger #saeyoung choi #choi saeyoung #luciel choi #choi luciel #707 #seven #character analysis #I love my brother-in-law. I really do. I want him to be happy. #Saeran wouldn't want him to live this way. #ask #lusree

[ramonag-if]

It’s one of the first times a story line here in the if community has truly hit me. The idea of coming to find yourself, a child, seemingly replaced by another is really scary. A very why not me? Situation. It makes me react visercally. It’s something I’ve had to try and cope with in real life and hope not to feel again, I’ve been given reassurance but the tingling possibility makes me feel sick. Reading about the mcs situation made me feel ill. I felt anger towards her new kid, like a child again. Real child like driven resentment all doom end of the world type beat and it was suffocating. Reading her call the mc planned and the new child a ‘blessing’ made me enraged. (Hope I’m remember ing correctly) They’re a blessing but mv isn’t? Mc was ‘planned’? Planned for what? And you left them? Yet you insist on how the new child is a blessing? What is mc to you? What does that even mean, once you got your use out of them it was over and done with? Did you ever plan to love, care and hold them for the rest of their days? It makes me incredibly upset. It’s so nauseating. It’s demeaning and it’s cruel. I’m hearing based on your posts they tried to contact the mc through the father and maybe this is personal child like never gonna forgive you wanna bawl my eyes out trauma speaking but it doesn’t matter. I don’t know their circumstances, but at the end of the day you didn’t come. You didn’t show up. You didn’t care for them when they were ill, didn’t touch up their wounds and didn’t have to deal with the dumb unreasonable repercussions of their identity and what trauma it brought them due to others. You didn’t support them. My relationship with my mother has only truly started these recent few years, for a lot of reasons. It truly hits home for me.

It’s not the kids fault, but a part of me can’t help but be bitter and resentful and no child deserves to be put in that position. Just the idea of ‘the new child’ is so rotten. Like dear Lord it’s sickening I can’t do it. It’s hard to make yourself sympathetic no matter how reasonable you know you should try and be. I hope mc gets so much cuddles and love. That is all.

Thankyou for the work you’re doing, you’re truly bringing up some real topics. It is a truly unfortunate and dreadful thing and I can’t help but be negative. Give me a ray of lightttt aghhhh help

Thank you so much for playing 😊🌼 I'm so happy that the game could make you feel so deeply! I do enjoy writing angst and poor/complicated parental dynamics because I find it so fun 😅

There is a lot to unpack with Salyra and her choices. She's made some bad decisions and Ahlf did play a part in it too. I don't think I ever set out to make them this complicated, but the more I wrote their characters, the more they seemed to shape into villains for the MC. A lot of bad parenting is showcased in the game. Unfortunately, the MC just experiences it first-hand 😅 Elora and Irus also have their own issues with parents and I can say that Anu and Oren also have issues regarding their biological parents 👀

I tend to steer away from any deep, heavy topics when writing but, here we are 😅🤷‍♀️ I couldn't resist a fantasy game with tons of angst and emotional upheaval.

Thank you for your support 🌼

#crown of exile #answered asks #salyra #ahlf #angst

[dearlybelovedemilyko]

barbara x christopher? also barbara x barbie?

Barbara x Christopher

they're not exactly a favorite but i'm not gonna lie, sometimes i want barbara's crush on christopher to be mutual solely to make her plotlines a bit less sad. it's an angsty ship overall, there's no way around it, though i feel like if the crush was mutual it would be a more romantic brand of angst, in a way, and there are many ways to make that work in a fanfic! ...i even have a few headcanons lying around for fanfic scenarios

wlw/mlm solidarity because it's actually really easy to interpret barbara as a bi girl who doesn't realize being bi is a thing (though that's for another post), and i like christopher so he's bi too now

-

Barbara x Barbie

i may not think much about these two romantically, but they're still one of the best barbara ships imo, and definetely the one who could work best as an endgame couple

it's a ship with lots of angst potential, they've been through so much together and they definetely have some issues to unpack, but even so, we still never see them blaming or resenting each other, not even in recent chapters when the brainwashing starts to wear off. barbie seems to care for barbara deeply, without ever making the mistake of underestimating her or infantilizing her for her condition, plus she's the only character i can't imagine agreeing to "protect" barbara by lying or hiding information from her, which really sets her apart!

overall a great ship 🖤

#ship bingo #barbara x christopher #barbara x barbie

[moony-saraneth]

I'm sorry your dad did WHAT?? Grounded you for two YEARS????

oh yeah this was a Whole Thing in my early lore lol.

my folks are divorced, so that's a factor here, okay? I lived with my mom full time for most of my life, and in high school I started smoking pot. I took acid one time, too. I wrote in my diary daily about my antics and my life because, you know, that's what you do!

anyway, I lived with my dad in the summer, and he decided Something Was Up with his teenage daughter (to be fair to my dad, smoking INSIDE THE HOUSE isn't exactly subtle). anyway, my dad went through my stuff and found my diary (hidden under the mattress like any good teen), was LIVID with me and my mom for my Antics. he decided he was better suited to raise me (girl I was 15 wtf was he thinking) and took away my internet access, my cell phone, and I wasn't allowed to socialize outside of the house unsupervised (read never). he also sent me to a "boarding school", but since I lived in state, I came home every day, which was an hour commute each way. I took a bus with like 6 other kids from my area. this was the last two years of my high school education.

meanwhile, my dad traveled back and forth weekly between our winter house and where his business was located, so I was stuck with my stepmom and adopted sister (btw she stopped talking to my parents as SOON as she turned 18 that's a Whole Other Story). it was... NOT GREAT and yes I have a lot of trauma and therapy work to do to unpack a lot of my resentment and anger and trust issues with my dad.

ps i still do drugs so it didn't work anyway

#asks #toot toot yeah beep beep

[real-time-twilight]

Twilight vs. Life and Death #23

🍏Life and Death🍏

Maybe if I had been one of the cool kids, I could make this work for me. Come in all popular, homecoming king-styles. But there was no hiding the fact that I was not that guy--not the football star, not the class president, not the bad boy on the motorcycle. I was the kid who looked like he should be good at basketball, until I started walking. The kid who got shoved into lockers until I'd suddenly shot up sophomore year. The kid who was too quiet and too pale, who didn't know anything about gaming or cars or baseball statistics or anything else I was supposed to be into.

   Unlike the other guys,  I didn't have a ton of free time for hobbies. I had a checkbook to balance, a clogged drain to snake, and ac week's groceries to shop for.

   Or I used to.

🍎Twilight🍎

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should look, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I should be tan, sporty, blond--a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps--all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

   Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft, somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself--and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

   When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty--it was very clear, almost translucent-looking--but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

   Facing my pallid reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn't just physically that I'd never fit in. And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

My gosh, so much to unpack here. Let's start with the fact that Bella's monologue is literally only about her own perception of her looks. And it's so much longer than Beau's. Beau's ties in way more thematically with the following paragraph about not fitting in with his peers, which we'll cover next time. I believe his lack of assessment of his own appearance stems from the Beau is a Boy issue. As is the fact that he ONCE AGAIN stresses how NOT INTO CARS he is. We get it!

We also get a lot of mingled underlying resentment for being the responsible one in his household as opposed to Renee, but also that he seems to have a sense of his own superiority over his peers that he's so much more mature than them because he "has" to take care of his mother. Which is very fucked up, but also very interesting. I think this falls under Personality Differences between Beau and Bella. Beau has a much greater need for control in his life, which I think is also why he's so organized.

Now, while Beau doesn't take any time to describe himself, he does mention being bullied in school. I think this is a gendered issue for Smeyer. Beau was physically bullied because Beau was being bullied by other guys, and only boys are violent, of course *heavy sarcasm*. I believe Bella was bullied but in subtler ways, otherwise she wouldn't be so self conscious about not "looking like someone from Phoenix should" but this is something she's internalized and clearly doesn't register as bullying in her mind.

Finally I want to take an opportunity to point out a glaring instance of Stephanie being hoodwinked by her sons into using very cringe turns of phrase-- in this case "homecoming king-styles". This is a really bad one.

#twilight saga #twilight 🍎 #life and death🍏 #beau swan #bella swan #twilight renaissance #twilight vs. life and death

[horrifically]

obviously terfs are bad i wanna affirm that before i go on. but dont these people realize that by attacking people who are clearly for the cause like you and even more so attack people in the middle/more moderate opinions on any of these issues who maintain theyre alleies to (or even are themselves) trans people like leechs, antiwaif, attacktherapy, etc. these callout types are effectively doing the grunt work of alienating people (mostly women) and being rude/harassing people (lots of trans/nb who are friends of those women) into a state that makes them way way more likely to end up radicalized/actual engaging with the very ideas the callout crowd are trying to prevent being spread through the ridiculous content policing approach? like there is never even a smidge of good faith or any process by which to work through/question any of these wide spectrum of ideas you may be attacked over, it also doesnt give a safe place or any good faith approaches to unpack any pain or fear from being attacked for a mistake/not fully understanding something, because you were the “aggressor”/victimizer in the eyes of the so called “community” because the logic is that the “victim” not only had to see the post you made, but they also had to engage in the “emotional labor” of the obligatorily attack upon the you (the offender), therefore by trying to unpack the trauma of the situation you are instead both reminding everyone you did something deemed Bad which often is asserted as a personal failing of being Bad, but also you are further affirming that Bad label because ur “playing the victim” while in their eyes you are victimizer all because you felt rightly attacked by ur so called “community”.

like this approach means anyone attacked for posting about banned ideas are both never able to actually work through the idea in a safe environment and reach the conclusion as to why its harmful for themselves. or heal from the experience of being attacked, at least while still within the “community” of the callout left. whereas these mostly women are allowed to not only talk about these ideas, but also processes the harassment they dealt with within the callout side of the left and how bad it may have felt to be attacked. as well as also encouraged to work through or simply talk about whatever idea they had been posting about or working through that got them caustically shut down by the call out lefties (except alas since they are only being encouraged in these ways within the radfems/crypto circles they’ll be encouraged to go the worst direction with these already iffy ideas) which means they potential become more and more radicalized and worst case ultimately end up becoming no longer a trans ally… all this when they had started out as an ally or even trans aligned themselves and literally could have been initially encouraged/helped to create informed understands of why the original idea may or may not be a “bad/harmful belief” (ie transphobic or w/e).

like essentially (tldr) it drives women who otherwise were/would have be allies, to slowly more and more radical ideas, all because they had one slightly edgy feminist take that had maybe made sense at the time, or they were just trying to work through it and figure out why it was “bad” or maybe even had just saw on their dash and agreed with it without really thinking, or maybe just had a friend they liked who was doing any of those aforementioned things. but whatever the reason it caused them to get yelled at and attacked over anon until they became either so alienated by the community et large they left and potentially formed resentment for how they were treated. or in the instance they dont leave, maybe they simply remained curious about the idea they posted about as they never worked through it besides being attacked (which even if the anon explains why theyre attacking you the tone of being attacked isnt conducive for learning/understanding.) and ultimately end up in spaces (crypto/radfem) where they are encouraged through good faith spaces to talk about and work through whatever idea.. all this to say ultimately this trend of “calling out“ (attacking/alienating) people for who they interact with or what ideas they post about is a huge risk for funneling moderates to the open arms of cryptos and eventually radfem circles. and all just because they had friends with non uniform beliefs or were working through feminist ideas that may have had some cis sexism baked in or have aged poorly and needed to be worked through to understand why they are damaging to trans people.

exactly. no words needed

#anon #thank you for going through the trouble of saying all this and putting it together

[movingonup-diary]

I am so sad for my inner child. I literally feel so much grief for her, it’s my job to be the parent she deserves. My mum always had complex emotional needs that needed to be unpacked and rewired. Instead of getting the help she needed, I mean mental health was a myth in a Nigerian household, she instead made her children and husband attend to her emotional world. It’s so bad that my emotional world can only exist through an outpouring online, underneath the covers of my room or through overthinking. I find some much joy in experiencing the world with others but inside, am I happy? What does a happy internal world feel like?

I came into this relationship with a deep fear that I will be her toxic ex. Because I didn’t truly know myself. Now I know what that toxicity looks like. If I never met her, I would still have my friend. Somewhat, I’m resentful and grateful because all that was revealed was a side of my friend that I couldn’t accept. Her dark side is my trigger. To have my reality or side of the story denied because she’s too selfish to feel compersion for me. I don’t feel like I can trust people anymore. But do I have to? I trust God, humans will always be humans. Even me, this week I have been my intimidating shadow that has now scared my friends. But this shadow is how I speak with confidence and enter the spaces I am in. I am scared of no one. Especially not my mum. She needs me more than I need her. She’s already shown her hand many times. The only thing is I don’t learn into my power, the vindictive spirit I have to fuck up her toxic family system. I’m still protecting her from a total breakdown by staying tightly in my role. It’s my certainty. I fear uncertainty. What if I am harmed by others by trusting them too much?

But I am not a bitch. I will deal with the uncertainties of life by keep my principles. I don’t like being perceived as a people pleaser anymore. I like being perceived as reasonable, kind, forgiving, nurturing, helpful and a good confidant. But people pleaser no, everyone must proceed with their base lowered and ultimate guidance because I will cuss. This is also why I’m just not sure about the friendships in that group anymore. I would rather meet people one on one, people only cared about keeping up the dynamic than the fact my friend and I feel out. Did they even reach out to her to check on her? Yes I said mad shit but hearing her out does matter, even if I know she will lie. They thought I was asking her take sides, whereas I know I was taking a stand against her bullying someone with a chronic health issue and spreading a rumour and manipulation to get me to see my love interest in negative light for having her safe zones. Does the dynamic matter more than addressing bad behaviour head on? Than holding her accountable. That’s all I cared about. I assumed they had the same principles considering all the performance they do for celeb abusers. But maybe I’m projecting. But just fuck everyone. But I’m keeping the peace still. I will be investing more into my new relationships. Esp when it comes to work. I need to get into my mindstate of hustling and hustling hard. I know how to get everything going. I need to learn into everything with every fibre of my being. I don’t have time for friends that aren’t serious. That aren’t aligned with the greater mission to make a better world. They have failed the test fr.s

I think their anxiety comes from not being actually able to live up to my values. A lot of them do not support my work and it lowkey sucks. I let it be but I need more vitalising relationships, I am settling so so much. Even seeing my girl and her friends and how they pour into one another. Only very few people give me that. I need to invest more in strengthening this than reliance unfulfilling old dynamics. My roller skating club is the source of my enjoyment with friends and new friends. I am hanging out to the old rather than embracing the new where I get a lot of happiness. The old friendship dynamics is again this same thing if playing this role to reduce the anxieties of people with severe anxiety issues. They do not want to be perceived, I do want to be perceived because I want to be heard and listened to. I want to embody the voice of oppression as a powerful force change in perspectives. I want to guide the next generation of leaders. I want to open up the portals for the worlds healing through the processing of my own pain born of generations of abject poverty in Nigerian. I don’t aspire to stand on the shoulders of great leaders, I already am great by just existing, being where I am at, being alive.

[robgoblin19]

i watched Helluva Boss for the first time three days ago, and now it's all i've been able to think about for the past 72 hours and i have THEORIES 💀 (concerning 1. Stolas in the finale p2, and 2. Blitzø's past with Fizz)

idk how to do the "keep reading" thing, so

*Spoilers for Helluva Boss up to ep 7*

---

1. Okay, so first and foremost, it makes me so fucking upset to admit, but i am convinced that Stolas is gonna die in the finale. Between his song in ep2 (telling Via "it'll be okay" even if he's gone), the fact that his wife probably still has Striker after him, and the way Stolas and Blitzø ended things at the end of the last ep (which i'm not sure would be more heartbreaking: if they make up first and then Stolas dies, or if he dies before they get any sort of closure).

Either way, i think it'll push Blitzø over an emotional edge that he's already teetering on, causing him to hit a rock bottom he didn't think could get any lower. I saw another post mentioning how everything seems to be getting set up for Blitzø to feel totally alone and unwanted/unneeded (his thing with Loona not needing him in ep 2 never got resolved, and even with his make up with Moxxie in ep 6, he then proceeds to continue pushing his luck with following the M&M's anniversary date and accidentally helping to fuck it up), and if this all comes bubbling up in the finale, then Stolas' death could very easily be what pushes him over the edge.

Even if he doesn't outright die, i think Stolas will at least be injured enough to put him in critical condition, and cause a similar reaction from Blitzø. And I hope that it makes him actually try to deal with his issues and be better for the ones he loves, repairing his relationships with Loona and the M&M's for sure, and then death-depending on Stolas (if Stolas survives, i will also be fascinated to see how they proceed with the Stolitz relationship bc wowie there's a lot to unpack there).

But thing i fear is that, this isn't Hazbin Hotel - this show isn't about redemption. But at the same time, it's still Vivziepop, so maybe it'll have the vibes of "even demons can strive to be better to their loved ones" or something along those lines. gah idk about the aftermath, i'm preparing for the worst and ready to bawl my eyes out. i really hope Stolas doesn't die and even if him and Blitzø have a lot of things to work through, that they get together properly and it'll be a plot point in season 2, but goddamn i am so scared.

2. So I've seen the theories that the white spots on imps are scars/birthmarks, and that Blitzø wasn't born with his white spots. There's also the fact that Fizz has a bunch of prosthetics, and considering how his jester's hat flops, his horns probably aren't under there.

Now, i've seen a theory that he could've done that on purpose, to hide him being an imp in order to get popular/famous. But I think they might be related to Blitzø's scars and part of their falling out.

What if Blitzø's scars and Fizz losing his limbs and horns, were both caused by a circus accident that was Blitzø's fault. (i think i might've heard something similar elsewhere before too, but here's my interpretation)

Here's the timeline i'm thinking:

Fizz and Barbie Wire start making it big without Blitzø, but there's no bad blood yet (a little jealousy, but no resentment yet - that's how he met Verosika, he was still hanging out with big shots before the accident)

Blitzø gets his "one night only" show at the big top ! Fizz comes to support his bud, but Barbie misses it (either bc of prior famous people engagement, and/or bc she got a bit too into drugs/alcohol - causing rift in their relationship obvs). Not a huge crowd shows up either, all boding poorly for Blitzø.

I don't think Blitzø's telling jokes at this point - he was doing that at Loo Loo's after Fizz got famous and has the robots. I think Blitzø's still trying to do more circus-y type stuff at this point.

But he was always the weaker link in the Imp Twins act, and as hard as he tries, he chokes and fucks up, and causes a huge accident and a lot of injuries; including his own and Fizz's.

The accident causes Fizz to resent Blitzø, seemingly ruining his entertainment career. Luckily for Fizz, Asmodeus comes in and gives him his prosthetics, a job and a chance. Fizz moves on in his career, getting more and more popular, especially now that he's practically unrecognizable as an imp, as well as associated with Asmodeus. And he leaves Blitzø in the dust.

Blitzø feels guilty about the accident, but then Fizz becoming wildly famous and successful, despite what happened, and leaving Blitzø behind (fuel on the abandonment-issues fire), is what causes Blitzø to resent Fizz back (and also would feed into the "sellout" comment to robo fizz).

Anyways, i'm done for now 🥲

#helluva boss #vivzieverse #vivziepop #spoilers #helluva boss spoilers #stolas #blitzo #fizzarolli #hb asmodeus #helluva blitzo #helluva stolitz #helluva stolas #helluva fizzarolli #loona #helluva loona #moxxie #helluva moxxie #millie #helluva millie

[nugnthopkns]

i’ll wait and i’ll listen

word count: 2.1k

warnings: mentions of deafness/hearing loss, cursing, i think that’s it

recommended listening: new song | maggie rogers & del water gap

a/n: hi! first and foremost, i want to say that this is based off my own personal experiences with a deaf father, and it is in no way a reflection of how other people or families with hearing issues operate. this is just how we live and how my dad goes about life. with that out of the way, enjoy some soft nolan content i threw together in 45 minutes. pretty sure i made this gender neutral, but please point out any mistakes!

There’s no legitimate reason for you to be so apprehensive about Nolan meeting your parents.

He’s a great person who is all you could ever ask for in a partner. The two of you get along like peas in a pod, and honestly most of the time your relationship feels like two friends hanging out. Of course there’s a bit more romance involved – but being with Nolan is so easy you barely have to think about it. 

Your parents aren’t the issue either. They’re both incredibly supportive of your relationship, and anything else you do. If it weren’t for them, you never would have left home – they’re the ones who packed the car and drove you all the way to Philadelphia. You never would have met Nolan if they hadn’t practically forced you out of the house and into the world. 

Truthfully, both parties would probably get along great. Your mother is kind and welcoming, and your father has interests similar to Nolan’s. Your younger siblings adore him – they came to visit one weekend and you took them to an afternoon game at Wells Fargo Centre, and afterwards the four of you went out for burgers. Since then they talk to him regularly, and have been begging for you to return home with Nolan. You can tell your parents are getting antsy too – after all, you’ve been with Nolan for nearly two years. 

Yes, Nolan has a busy schedule that doesn’t allow for much travel, but there have been plenty of opportunities over the years for everyone to get together. You’re the one who always comes up with a reason for him not to meet your parents. One time you were ‘sick’, another you were too busy with work to make the trip home. It isn’t that you’re worried they won’t approve or that Nolan will resent them. You’re apprehensive about bringing Nolan around because you’re worried there will be a communication barrier. 

Your dad is deaf, and Nolan doesn’t exactly enunciate his words well. His voice is also exceptionally deep, which doesn’t help much. It isn’t a secret, your father’s hearing issues, and you’ve spoken to Nolan about them numerous times. Most of the time it’s you fretting about it getting worse and he listens intently while you sob into his chest. Since the hearing loss came from years of working around loud machines, it was gradual, which was frustrating for him. You were in high school when he got hearing aides, but eventually they lost their desired effect. Now your dad relies on reading lips and other non-aural markers like hand gestures to fill in the gaps. 

“Babe, I have to meet them at some point,” Nolan says through a mouthful of pasta. “Especially since I plan on sticking around.”

Your mom had called earlier in the afternoon to ask when you were coming home next. The upcoming weekend is free in your schedule, and when you told her she insisted you bring Nolan. He’s out for the season with the migraine related issues so you couldn’t exactly lie and say he was going to be out of town. Instead, you fed her some bullshit excuse and said you’d check to see if he could move some stuff around. 

“I know,” you sigh. “I just don’t want you or my dad getting frustrated if talking doesn’t go smoothly.”

Nolan pushes his chair back from the table and walks to stand behind you. He rubs your shoulders soothingly and leans down to whisper in your ear. “There are a million and ten other ways I can communicate with him Sweetheart. Don’t worry about it.”

Deep down, you know he’s right. There’s no reason the two of them can’t communicate, even if they can’t do it verbally. After discussing it more and ironing out all your doubts, you call your mom back to let her know both you and Nolan will be coming. A small weight lifts from your chest, knowing that you’ll get the first meeting over with, but dread slowly creeps in. There are so many ways it could go wrong. 

☼☼☼☼

You and Nolan stand on the doorstep of your childhood home hand in hand. As if he can sense how nervous you are, Nolan squeezes gently, reminding you of his unwavering presence. 

“Whatever happens isn’t going to change the fact that I love you,” he says, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. 

To steady yourself from the negative thought swirling in your brain you lean closer to Nolan. He wraps his arm around your shoulder and uses his free hand to knock on the door. Less than two seconds your sister is bounding towards the door and flinging it open. 

“Mom! Y/N and Nolan are here!”

She steps to the side and lets the pair of you in. You shrug off your jacket and hang it on the rack behind the door – Nolan copies. As soon as you’re inside the entryway your mother is wrapping you in a massive hug. 

“I’m so glad you’re home darling,” she says, arms tight around you. “Was the drive okay?”

You go to answer her question but her attention is turned to your very tall boyfriend who is standing beside you like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“You must be Nolan. It’s so nice we could finally meet. Y/N has told me a lot about you.”

Nolan clears his throat before speaking, his deep voice echoing slightly off the ceiling. “All good things I hope,” he laughs, looking to you for reassurance. 

Nodding your head, you join in his laughter. You travel farther into the house, giving your brother a fistbump when you pass him in the hall. When you moved out your parents converted your room into a sophisticated guest bedroom, so there aren’t any embarrassing posters from your teenage years on the walls for Nolan to make fun of. You quickly unpack your suitcase, wanting to get back downstairs and spend time with your family. It’s been a while since you’ve been home, and you missed them more than you thought. 

“Is your dad here?” Nolan asks, hanging the couple of sweaters you guys brought up in the closet. 

You glance at the clock on the wall, you shake your head. “He’ll be home from work just before dinner.” 

The two of you head downstairs to chill with your siblings, but not without sharing a few kisses that make your spine tingle. At your brother’s insistence the four of you head to the basement to partake in an air hockey tournament. Though Nolan can hold his own in the NHL, he’s rather miserable at this iteration of the game. Your sister eliminates him in under five minutes, and after a hard fought battle you defeat your brother. 

Nolan tries to coach you before the gold medal game but you laugh him off. “Nol, you were terrible. I think I can hold my own.”

He breathes out harshly through his nose, but you know he isn’t upset with your teasing. “Fine,” he mumbles, “See if you can win without my all-star advice.”

Your sister manages to win in a shootout. It was a close game, and you challenge her to a rematch after dinner. She accepts, insisting you’ll lose again. Nolan bets he can race her around the property, so you move outside. Your mom lets you know dinner will be ready soon, and you throw her a thumbs up. 

Though your sister is a fast runner, she’s got nothing on Nolan’s six foot frame. He passes her with ease, cheekily throwing her the finger as he rushes by. You’re the finish line and instead of stopping when he reaches you, Nolan throws you over his shoulder and continues running through the yard. 

Your laugh rings out as you kick your feet. “Put me down!” you shriek. When he makes no attempt to prove he listened to your cries, you try again. “Nol, come on, put me down. If you fall it’ll be really bad.”

Knowing you’re right, Nolan stops moving and gingerly places you on the ground. His hands move to cup your face and he plants a warm kiss on your lips. You refuse to let it get too far, but you lean into him slightly and sigh when he pulls away. 

In the distance you hear your mom calling for dinner. “Kids, it’s time to eat,” she says. “Your father just got home.”

Your heart beat rises exponentially, and your steps drag slightly as you get closer to the door. Nolan notices, but doesn’t say anything. Instead he flashes you a smile that’s reserved just for you and makes your heart melt. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll make sure I don’t mumble.”

In the dining room, you guide Nolan to sit beside your dad. You figure it’s the spot where he has the best chance of hearing your boyfriend, and no one seems to protest. They give each other a polite nod while the rest of you rush to place everything on the table and serve the food. 

Once everyone is sitting, Nolan takes the initiative to introduce himself. “It’s nice to meet you Sir,” he says a bit slower than his normal speaking voice, making sure to clearly enunciate his words. 

There’s no response from your father, and you suck in a breath. You watched him focus on Nolan’s lips while he spoke, but you fear he still couldn’t quite understand what your boyfriend said. It takes a few more beats for him to process what was spoken, but then your dad is cracking a smile and holding his hand out for Nolan to shake. 

“Glad Y/N isn’t hiding you from us anymore. I thought the first time I’d meet you was at the engagement party.” His voice is a few decibels louder than everyone else’s, due to not being able to hear himself, but Nolan doesn’t seem to mind. 

They slip into an easy conversation about work and hunting, asking each other a million questions. There’s barely room for any one else to contribute but the rest of you don’t mind – it’s been a long time since your dad has been able to go this long without asking someone for assistance. Of course there’s a few bumps in the road – Nolan not speaking clearly or looking elsewhere while telling a story, but that was to be expected. You step in when needed, repeating phrases and recreating scenes with hand actions. Overall, the meal goes swimmingly, and the two men leave the table eagerly to swap stories. 

You spend the time catching up with your mother, and she gushes over how Nolan is handling everything. “He’s doing so well,” she exclaims. “He’s so patient with your dad, waiting to make he understood what was said before continuing, and he doesn’t have an issue repeating himself a few times. You really lucked out Y/N.”

“I know,” you say honestly. “He’s simply the best.”

It’s a few hours later that Nolan finds his way back to you. You arch your brow, wondering what he got up to, and he explains that your dad took him for a walk in the forest to show him the deer he’d been tracking the past couple of weeks. It’s heartwarming that they get along so well, and you feel a little silly for fretting over what would happen. 

☼☼☼☼

“Your dad is nice,” Nolan shrugs as you crawl into bed beside him. “I could hardly tell he was deaf most of the time.”

You tuck yourself into his side and hum. “He does a great job of not letting it define him,” you agree. “But thank you for being so patient with him.”

A small peck is placed to your shoulder blade and you sigh at the contact of Nolan’s lips on your skin. “He did grumble about how my voice is too deep,” he laughs. “Said he could barely hear me. Once I knew that I made sure to speak clearly and let him read my lips.”

You’re speechless. None of your friends or past romantic partners had made that much of an effort to treat your dad like he was a person. They got short with him for needing them to slow down or repeat themselves, and often would refuse to see him again. It’s part of the reason you were so hesitant to introduce Nolan – you wanted to protect him from another person who might treat him differently because he can’t hear.

“I really fucking love you,” you whisper into the darkness. 

You can practically hear the grin in Nolan’s voice as he speaks. “I really fucking love you too.”

The rest of your stay will go just fine, you think as you drift to sleep. There was nothing to worry about, and you can’t wait to watch a friendship blossom between your dad and boyfriend. 

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @jamiedrysdales @kiedhara @tortito @boqvistsbabe​ if you want to be added shoot me an ask :)

#this is kinda shit but i've been toying with this idea for a while #it's done now and my brain can move on #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick x reader #nolan patrick fic #philadelphia flyers imagine #hockey imagine #hockey fic #nhl imagine #nhl fic #cwrites

[kamuiyamato]

THIS IS NOT A SHIP

I have been super hesitant about posting this one over here because I DO NOT want this taken as a ship. IT IS NOT. 

This was drawn for my friend’s birthday, who happens to Roleplay Roy with me. It was drawn for our arc: Where do you Run? I run to you on our blogs.  

In this arc,  Mustang is Edward and Alphonse’s court ordered guardian before Ed even enlists. He needed a guardian’s permission to do so, and Mustang was more than willing to help with that.  However, thinking they’ll be an actual family Edward and Alphonse was quick to find out that’s not the case when they’re dumped off at a hotel and told 

“I’m only your guardian on paper.”  

Edward carried resentment towards Mustang for years for this. It’s all just a big act to look good for the government. Ed and Al needed a mailing address to function, and someone to help them file taxes for Ed’s military income. That sort of thing falls on Mustang. He helps them operate behind the scenes for years but never ever do they get close or live together.  It’s not until there’s a scare that Ed nearly dies and is hospitalized that Mustang starts to change his tune. He’s been hearing from Hughes for years, to “Just be a proper guardian to them”  and he never took it seriously before now. 

Hughes is gone and these boys are all he has. They’re properly his foster sons by all technicalities.  After losing Hughes, the Scar incident and hearing about Lab Five and then Ed getting hospitalized again, Mustang starts to take the idea of letting the boys live with him seriously, and after his transfer to Central - Ed spontaneously offers to help him unpack his apartment and make dinner.  He’s wanted some form of a relationship that wasn’t screaming this entire time but didn’t know how to act on it. 

Edward also ends up confessing to him that he hates being called Fullmetal day in and day out because everyone else is called by name and he’s called by his title by trade.  It makes him feel isolated. Mustang agrees to start addressing him by name.  After all these close calls, Mustang eventually gives Ed the key to his apartment so he has a place to crash just in case. A safe place he can go if there’s no where else, because at the end of the day that’s all Mustang wants - the Elric Brothers safe. 

This spurs the tradition of Sunday Dinner to occur in which Roy attempts to get to know his charges instead of keeping them at arms length and after months on end of this - Roy decides to invite them to come officially live with him. They’ll get a bigger house and they can live together as a family. This is when Roy tells them, he wants this to be official. He wants to adopt them officially.  After a long angsty emotional conversation, the Elrics agree. They agree to be a family on more than just paper and this is how the Elric-Mustang family comes to be. 

This is not a ship.

This is Papa and Son. They have been through a lot of bullshit and due to the number of times Ed has nearly died - included getting shot on a mission and nearly dying down south in front of Roy’s eyes - Mustang is very protective and tends to have moments where he just needs to know where his son is so he knows he’s still breathing.   There is a strict no work rule at home, so Edward refers to Mustang as “Papa” in almost all private scenarios. Both of them have shitty health issues and thus I drew them at a state of rest for my friend. Papa and Son deserve a nap. 

This Arc is currently over Nine threads (stories) long and it’s only getting longer and more complex by the day.  

#edward elric #roy mustang #fullmetal alchemist #fma #fmab #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #art from the roleplay blog #Arc: I Run to You #the Elric-Mustang family #// DO NOT tag this as a ship

[iimpavidwrites]

Benzaiten Steel and the Fragility of Perception

or: reasons why setting boundaries is important #1283

I’ve figured out a reason why Benzaiten Steel stayed with his mother instead of doing the “sensible” thing and moving out. I think that it’s possible, too, that Juno has always been aware of the answer but, in the scope of Juno Steel and the Monster’s Reflection, he isn’t able to face it head-on because it contradicts his black/white, either/or sense of morality.

TL;DR: Despite Juno Steel’s unreliable narration we are able to see clearly the enmeshed relationship Benzaiten had with their mother Sarah and the ways in which that unhealthy family dynamic shaped Juno Steel as a person.

Sources: 50% speculation, 20% lit crit classes, 30% my psychology degree. 

Juno’s perception of Ben is shallow and filtered through the limitations of human memory. We all know by now, too, that Juno’s an Unreliable Narrator™.  In light of this, we need to ask ourselves why it is that Juno remembers Ben as happy, supportive, and only ever gentle in the challenges he poses to Juno. Throughout the episode, Ben’s memory is clearly acting as a comforting psychopomp: he ferries Juno through the metaphorical death of his old understanding of his mother (and also himself) and into a new way of thinking. He does this through persistent-but-kind questions, never telling Juno what to do or how to do it. This role could have been played by anyone in Juno’s life (Mick and Rita come to mind first) which makes it telling that Juno’s mind chose Ben to fill this role.

Juno’s version of Ben is cheerful, endlessly patient with Juno and Sarah, and above all he is compassionate. He acts as a mediating presence between Juno and Juno’s memory of Sarah and he doesn’t ask a whole lot for himself. If this is Juno’s strongest memory/impression of Ben’s behavior and perspective, then we can draw some conclusions about the roles they each played in the Steel family unit: Juno was antagonistic to Sarah and vice versa, and Ben was relegated to the role of mediator for the both of them.

Juno: She’s just evil. Ben: That’s a big word. Juno: “Evil”? Ben: No, “Just”.

We can see in this exchange that Ben is a vehicle for the compassion Juno needs to show not only to Sarah but to himself, too, in order to move on and evolve his understanding of his childhood traumas. 

This is not necessarily an appropriate role for a sibling or a child to hold in a family unit.

In family psychology, one of the maladaptive relationship patterns that is discussed is enmeshment. Googling the term you’ll find a lot of sensational results (e.g. “emotional incest syndrome”) that aren’t necessarily accurate in describing what this dysfunction looks like in the real world. This is in part because enmeshment can present many different ways. So, in order to proceed with this analysis of Benzaiten Steel’s relationship with his mom, I need to define enmeshment. 

Enmeshment occurs when the normal boundaries of a parent-child relationship are dissolved and the parent becomes over-reliant on the child, requiring the child to cater to their emotional needs and to otherwise become a parent to the parent (or to themself and/or to other children in the family). This is easiest to spot when a parent confides in a child as if they’re a best friend, disclosing details of their romantic life, expecting the child to give them advice on coping with work stress, and similar. Once enmeshment occurs, any kind of emotional shift in one member of the enmeshed household will reverberate to the others; self-regulation and discernment (e.g. figuring out which emotions originate in the parent and which ones originate in the child) becomes extremely difficult for the effected child and parent. When an enmeshed child becomes an enmeshed adult they often have issues with self-identity and interpersonal boundaries. For example, they may struggle to define themselves without external validation and expect others to be able to intuitively divine their emotions. After all, the enmeshed adult could do this with their parent and others easily due to hypervigilance cultivated by their parent and they may not understand that such was not the typical childhood experience. These adults are often individuals to whom the advice “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” is often relevant and disregarded. They may perceive their own needs as superfluous to others’-- and resent others as a consequence.

Another layer of complication is added when the parent in an enmeshed relationship is an addict, as Sarah Steel was. The enmeshed child often times becomes the physical caregiver to their parent as well and must cope with all the baggage loving an addict brings: the emotional rollercoaster of the parent trying to get clean or the reality of their neglecting or stealing from their child to support their habit or their simply being emotionally absent. Enmeshment leaves children with a lot of conflicting messages about their role in the family, how to conduct relationships, and how to define themself.

We only get an outside perspective on this enmeshment in the Steel family. It’s clear in the text that Juno’s relationship with his mother was fraught. He jokes in The Case of the Murderous Mask that she didn’t kill him but “not for lack of trying”, implying that Ben’s murder wasn’t the first time Sarah Steel lashed out at Juno-- or thought she was lashing out at Juno but hurt Ben instead. During the entire tenure Juno’s trek through the underworld of his own trauma, Juno asks the specter of Benzaiten over and over, “Why did you stay?”. This is a question that Juno himself can’t answer because Ben, when he was alive, probably never gave him an answer that Juno found satisfactory. There are a few possibilities, which I can guess from experience, as to what the answer was:

Ben may never have been able to articulate that his relationship with their mother left him feeling responsible for her wellbeing. 

Or, if he ever told Juno that, Juno may have simply brushed off this concern. After all, as far as Juno was concerned, Sarah was only ever just evil. To protect himself from his mother’s neglect and codependence, Juno shut down his own ability to perspective-take and think about the nuances that might inform a person’s addiction, mental illness, abusive behavior, etc.

It is likely that Ben thought either his mother needed him to survive or, alternatively, that he couldn’t survive without her-- as if often the case with children who are enmeshed with their primary caregiver. It was natural and necessary for him, from this perspective, to stay. Enmeshment is a very real psychological trap.

It is often frustrating and hard as hell to love someone who is in an enmeshed relationship because, from the outside, the damage being done to them seems obvious. See: Juno’s assertion that Sarah was just evil. Juno is, even 19 years later, still angry about Sarah Steel and her failures as a parent and as a person. His thinking on this subject is very black-and-white. He positions Sarah as a Bad Guy in his discussions with Ben-the-psychopomp and the childhood cartoon slogan of “The Good Guys Always Win!” is repeated ad nauseum throughout Juno’s underworld journey. This mode of thinking serves two purposes:

First, it illustrates the role Juno played in the household: he was opposed to Sarah in all things and Sarah did not require any compassion or enmeshment from Juno. Juno was, quite possibly, neglected in favor of Ben which would create a deep resentment… toward both Sarah and toward Ben. This family dynamic would reinforce Juno’s shallow moral reasoning and leave him with vague, unachievable ideals to strive for like “Be One of the Good Guys” or “Don’t Be Like Mom” -- ideals that he can’t reach because he is a flawed human being and not a cartoon character, creating a feedback loop of resentment toward his mother and guilt about resenting Benzaiten. That guilt would further bolster Juno’s shallow memory of Ben as being infallibly patient, kind, loving, etc. 

Second, Juno’s black/white moral reasoning is an in-text expression of the meaning behind Juno’s name. When “Rex Glass” points out that Juno is a goddess associated with protection, Juno immediately has a witty, bitter rejoinder  ready about Juno-the-goddess killing her children. Juno was named for a deity who in some ways strongly resembles Sara Steel and he resents that he is literally being identified as his own mother. Juno-the-goddess has one hell of a temper, being the parallel to Rome’s Hera. Juno is not a goddess (detective) who forgives easily when she (he) knows that a child (Benzaiten Steel) has been harmed. This dichotomy of “venerated protector” versus “vengeful punisher”  causes psychological tension for Juno that is only partially resolved in The Monster’s Reflection. The tension is not fully resolved, however, because Juno never gets a clear answer for the question, “Why did you stay?”

The answer is there but it is one that Juno doesn’t like and so can’t articulate: Ben is enmeshed with Sarah who named him, of all things, Benzaiten and that is why he stayed. We’ve already seen that names have intentional significance in the text. Benzaiten is hypothesized to be a syncretic deity between Hinduism and Buddhism, is a goddess primarily associated with water. Syncretic deities are fusions of similar deities from different religions/cultures; their existence is the result of compromise and perspective-taking and acceptance. Water, too, is forgiving in this way: it takes the shape of whatever container you pour it into... not unlike a child who is responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their entire family unit. Not unlike Benzaiten Steel.

Ben stayed with his mother because his relationship with his mother was enmeshed, leaving him little choice but to stay, and this ultimately led to tragedy. Sarah Steel’s failures as a parent are many and Juno still has a lot of baggage to unpack in that regard, especially where Ben is concerned. It’s unlikely that we’ll get the same kind of “speedrunning therapy” episode again but I know that The Penumbra is committed to a certain amount of psychological realism in its character arcs so I am confident in asserting that Juno Steel isn’t finished. Recovery is a journey and he’s only taken the first steps.

#juno steel #benzaiten steel #meta #the penumbra podcast #benten steel #sarah steel #psychology #enmeshment #bad parenting #iimpavid writes #chatter #the monster's reflection #the case of the murderous mask