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getitoutofmymindwrites · 2 months

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The crushing | joel miller x f!reader, 5.2k

Summary: This is the story of a man who had everything in the palm of his hand and traded it all for an empty space in the hollow of his heart. Or This story follows Joel, two to three years after he cheated on his wife.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, ANGST, cheater!Joel, Joel's POV, this is NOT “The Falling” from Joel's POV, brief mention of smut (p i v) but nothing too graphic (I think), self-loathing, depression, therapy, flashbacks and memories from the past, alcohol consumption, Tommy being a supportive brother (eventually), as always let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: Ok, so, Joel gave me a whiplash on this one, he was either staring at me through the screen giving me nothing, or he was mumbling unintelligibly in my ear while I was trying to keep up with him. It started out as a final chapter, but I really think that this part should be Joel's POV and the next and -probably- final one should be the resolving, however that may come. I guess it can be read as a standalone, but if you're interested, it's a sequel to “The Falling”. I edited it seven thousand times because I kept adding things along the way, so I hope it all makes some sense and there are not too many mistakes.. Thank you for taking the time to read anything I write! Love you all! 🥰😘

P.S.: I just wanted to take a moment and let you know that I really appreciate everyone who has read, liked, commented, reblogged and asked about “The Falling”. I honestly didn't think a single soul would take the time to read that kind of story. It means more than you know and I didn’t take lightly how close to home this fic hit for some people; yet you’ve given it a chance, sharing some of your own experiences with me. I love you all, take care and I'll see you -hopefully- in the comments! 🥹🫂

Dividers by @cafekitsune & @saradika-graphics

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...need your reassurance...

...your only focus…

...for the foreseeable future...

He did make it his sole focus. Because of course, he closed the deal, even after he left that damn table like a madman. He still found a way to get what he wanted. That's the man he was. And he wasn't sure if he hated himself for it or not. But self-loathing was a daily occurrence now, so one more reason added to the list was nothing he couldn't handle.

For two years he would wake up every day, is it called waking up if he doesn’t sleep at all?, he would work his ass off, he would go home, he would sink into despair and then he would start all over again the next day. A vicious cycle consisting of 730 days in a row. The deafening silence within the walls of the house was excruciating, the loneliness was unbearable. Even the light penetrating through the windows seemed different than when you were there with him, a dullness surrounding every corner of the now barely lived in space.

You. He hadn’t seen your face in 730 days. He hadn’t smelled your scent or touched your soft skin. He barely listened to your voice anymore, any form of unavoidable communication, you preferred to be conducted by the lawyers, or via text messages, at the most. At the 731st one, he finally knew, something had to change. He couldn’t repeat another day, like all the others that came and went. He simply couldn’t.

Tommy suggested that therapy might help Joel, a few times, but he refused every one of them. Maria was keeping her distance, her place was delicate, being his brother’s wife but also his wife’s best friend. Surprisingly, she was the one who finally got through to him.

“Are you gonna stay a recluse for the rest of your miserable life, then?” Maria wonders, switching her gaze between Joel and the dining room. Everything was untouched, as you left them when you moved out, but the place felt empty, depressing, probably mirroring Joel’s existence.

Joel sighs, closing his eyes briefly. “I’m not a recluse..”, he snarls through his teeth, rolling his eyes at her. He was more than eager to be done with the dinner his sister-in-law insisted on having in his house and be left alone, in his natural state. Alone. Infuriating woman.

“What do you call that?”, Maria persists, goddamn lawyer to the bone.

“What?!” Joel spits back pissed off, looking at his brother next, for support.

“That!” she gestures around his body and his surroundings. “The way you go on for the past two years! Either get over it or do something about it!”, she doesn’t hold back, even when Tommy proposes a gentler approach. Yeah, look where it got you, is the paid answer, so Tommy steps back, shaking his head and raising his hands up in surrender.

“You’ve got him on a leash, hm?”, Joel jokes absentmindedly, “Can you breathe alright, Tommy boy?”, earning himself a hard glare from Maria.

“Maybe the wrong Miller is on a leash..” Maria mutters, causing Tommy’s eyes to widen in horror.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, Joel retorts doing a double back at her.

“Means that freedom is for those who can bear it.”, Maria throws her napkin on her plate and leaves the room. Joel remains silent, pondering the meaning of her words. It would be a long time before he understood what she meant.

Therapy was hard.

Therapy was hard because he had to do it for himself. He had to concentrate on himself. He thought, being the contractor that he was, that he would walk into the room, get the answers he needed and fix his marriage, just as he rearranged the bricks and the wood and the steel on the construction sites.

But this wasn’t about his marriage. His marriage and the way it crumbled down was the aftermath, he came to learn. It was the outcome of insecurities, selfishness, lack of communication, ungratefulness.

He got it all wrong. Everything. Every little thing. He had to rewire his brain and change every point of view he was holding onto. Honesty. Honesty was the key.

“Why didn’t you reach out to your wife after that night?”, his therapist insists.

“I respected her boundaries.”, Joel was quick to respond.

“And what were those?”

“She didn’t want to see me.”

“Did she say that?”

“No-, I mean-, the way she left that night, she didn’t say much in general. But she blocked my number, so.”, he shrugs in defence.

“So, how can you be so sure that she didn't want to see you? Even if you're right, it doesn't mean that she didn't expect a reaction from you, or that you weren't allowed to try, if that’s what you wanted.”

“Why would she? I upset her, she needed time to think, work things out.”, Joel explains.

The therapist swipes her fingers over her lips, contemplating her approach. “Joel, you walk into your bedroom, into what is supposed to be a safe place and you see your partner with another person in an intimate moment. How does that make you feel? Just say the first words that come to mind.”, his therapist changes the point of view.

Joel shudders just at the thought of it. You, naked, flushed, lips parted and swollen, skin sweaty, breaths short and pupils blown wide, coming for anyone other than him. It would utterly destroy him. “Furious, pissed, betrayed, heartbroken.. I think I would lose it, if I’m honest.” he admits instantly, in his haste to throw the abomination of this image from his thoughts.

“I see. But in her case, you think your wife was just upset?”

“No, of course not.” Joel slightly frowns, shaking his head.

“Do you think she felt all those feelings that you just described to me?”

“I believe so, yes.”, god this is so hard.

“You believe so?” the therapist pushes, again.

Joel’s nostrils flare from the sharp inhale, “I know so.”

“So, she wasn’t just upset.” the therapist concludes and Joel agrees without meeting her eyes, “No, she wasn’t.”

Over time, Joel came to realize that his choice of words was a subconscious attempt to diminish the seriousness of his actions.

“You said in a previous session that you gave space to your wife to work things out.”

“Yeah, it was only fair.”, Joel confirms.

“So, it was hard for you to give her that space?”

“Yes, of course, I missed her every day.”

“Was that a constant in your relationship?”, the therapist wonders.

“I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

“How did you work things out as a couple, before? I assume you had difficult times as partners, no?”

“Nothing major to be honest, my wife was a very calm and reasonable person. If anything occurred she would talk to me about it.”

“And how did you respond to that?”

“Uh, I was there to listen, we always found a solution together as a couple.”

“Hmhm, so, what changed this time?”

“What do you mean?” He knew exactly what she meant.

“Why didn’t you talk to her? Communicate with her? Maybe help her see your side of things, like you did before, find your way out of this together, as partners.” his therapist explains. “And even before the infidelity, did you let her know that something was bothering you, that you felt differently?”

"I didn't feel differently about my wife. My feelings for her never changed.", he immediately corrects her. "My love for her was never the problem," he confesses and it's the first time since his therapy began that he's shared something so personal, so private.

“But there was a problem, something was wrong if you felt the need to be intimate with another woman. So, why did you keep that from her?”

Joel opens his mouth already knowing he does not have an answer. Or that he doesn't want to give one. He shakes his head, raising his brows in a silent admission that he can’t answer that. Or he won't. His gaze is fixed on a loose thread on the fabric of the couch, his fingers keep picking on it.

“Joel?”

“I- I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t know.” he keeps shaking his head. He can’t answer that. He won't.

He was so angry when he left the session that day. He was so angry at you. He was angry at your honesty, your clarity, your courage to have a mind of your own and to speak it freely, knowing full well that probably no one else shared the same opinions as you did. That's what he loved most about you, but now he hated it.

“Own it, Joel. Own what you have done. At least that way it will be worth something. Otherwise it was all for nothing.”

This was one of the last things you said to him on the phone, while he was trying to persuade you to change your mind about the divorce. You were always so brave about those matters. Matters of the heart, of integrity. He remembers you always talking about things that he found admirable but utopian. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

“I need to be able to sleep at night. I need to own my decisions; not because I’m always right, far from it, but at least I know I’m being honest with myself. And that matters.” he recalls one of your late-night talks.

You usually found it easier to share your most vulnerable thoughts once you were thoroughly fucked and satiated. When Joel held you in his arms, your breaths almost shared over the same pillow, your scents and your fluids mixed together.

“We’re all imperfect beings, flawed; we all feel embarrassed when we fuck up,” you continue, “it’s hard to admit our mistakes to others, I get that. But deep down we always know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Admitting it only helps us to be present in our lives.”

“Be present?”, Joel seems fascinated by the way your mind weaves your thoughts together into deeply rooted beliefs.

“Yes, my love, there's no greater freedom than to live your life truthfully.” you smile at him, softly. Your sleepy eyes roam his face affectionately. Your fingertips caress his jawline, your thumb pressing lightly against the bare patch of his beard. He can feel your devotion pouring from your fingers and sinking into his skin at that moment.

“That’s one of my greatest fears, you know. Living my life in ignorance, in a lie.”, you whisper your deepest insecurity against his soft lips. His hold on you tightens as he rolls you onto your back, nestling his hips between your welcoming thighs. You are safe in these arms. His arms. You surrender to him, body and soul. You can feel his growing erection pressing between your folds, already wet from your combined releases. He tenderly brushes his lips against yours and slowly licks his way into your parted mouth, as he intertwines his fingers with yours. He enters you in one fluid, slow thrust, his warm exhale cooling your wet lips. “Then let me give you something real.”

Thinking back to those moments, Joel couldn't reconcile himself to the fact that he was the one who had brought that fear of yours to life. What broke him was that it was not a lie. Your life together had not been a lie. He loved you. In fact, he was burning up for you. He was a man of control, but not with you. Never with you. You consumed his every thought; being around you for too long made his lungs constrict in pain, begging for a deep breath. Sometimes he was worried sick that if he completely let himself love you like he needed to, he would suffocate you. He loved you. And it killed him that his actions suggested otherwise.

But at some point he had to be honest with himself. He was just protecting his ego. He was trying to get the upper hand out of a shitty, compromising situation. He wasn't being thoughtful, he was being selfish. He was biding his time. He thought the longer he left ‘it’ untouched, the less it would hurt when the inevitable time of confrontation came. He was scared out of his mind that he would lose you forever. No second chances, no redemption, no reconciliation.

No lingering scent on his pillow as your hair pools there, under his chin, as you nestle your face between his neck and shoulder, breathing him in. No laughter through the enormous house, damn, why did he build it so big; you never clarified what the disbelief in your eyes meant when he said he built this house for you, while he pulls you up on your feet for a silly cowboy dance.

No more gentle touches, no more noses brushing together as a silent goodbye in the kitchen before you rush off to work. No more turning around just before you open the door to leave, running to him like a little girl, giving him quick, hungry pecks on the lips while he laughs on your mouth, squeezes your butt cheek and slaps it playfully to say goodbye. Later, baby, he would promise you, his teeth nipping at your earlobe and he could feel your skin crawling with anticipation.

No more I love yous, either breathed, either whispered, either panted, as he makes a home for himself inside your warmth.

When did he fuck you last? He used to have you every day. You craved it every day. You craved him. Why did he stop telling you he loved you every chance he got? When was the last time you said it?

A week before that fateful night, when you touched him longingly, aching for him to touch you back and he told you he had work to do, he wasn’t a teenager anymore. Why the hell did he say that? Why did he sit there and watch the light fading from your eyes? I love you, you said with a sigh against his temple and walked out of his office defeated. Why did you say that? Did you know? Did you suspect? Why didn’t you fight him? You should have said something, anything, pushed him, punched him in the chest, woken him up. Would he have woken up? Or did he need that to come to his senses? Does he have to fall? Does this falling ever stop? Does he have to let you go? Will you come back to him? Does he deserve you?

Days blurred seamlessly into one another. Joel drifted further and further away from everyone. The house haunted him, all the progress he was making within the therapy walls was dissipating once he stepped inside the cold space of his empty house. Leaving the confines of it was his first thought in the morning, while he hurriedly dressed to go to his office far earlier than necessary and his last when he closed his eyes, as he laid his weary limbs on the couch, chasing still your now long gone scent on its fabric, knowing another sleepless night was his only companion until the first rays of sunlight hit the floor-to-ceiling windows to announce the beginning of another day.

People at work tiptoed around him, not knowing how to act. It was as if he was there, but not really. He was focused solely on the Marks project, mechanically going through board meetings, paperwork and supervising the construction site. He. Just. Wasn’t. There.

Joel, will you please sign the papers?

He simply stares at the text message for a good full minute, his thumbs hovering over the screen of his phone. This was one of the rare occasions you had initiated communication with him, always about the progress of the divorce.

No, no, I won’t, the little toddler in him screams, stamping his little feet on the ground.

The papers are not ready.

Joel texts back. He keeps it simple, frightened he might not get an answer back.

Joel, we both know they are. I don’t want any of your assets or your money; this is an easy signature, please.

An easy signature? You think he cares about the houses, or the cars, or the money?

You know I can’t accept that. The house is yours and so is a good part of the money.

The point was to share this house together, Joel, don’t you think us splitting up kind of defeats the purpose? And what on earth makes you think I would ever want to go back in there?

So, there’s nothing I can do to make this easier for you?

Easier? You think money or property can make up for what you’ve done?

Of course not, I wasn’t implying anything like that. Just wanna do something for you, anything.

Can you turn back time?

Of course, he can't. So, he doesn't know what to say to that. He just keeps staring at the screen, lost in thought. After 2 minutes another text follows.

You know I can’t..

Sign the papers. Please.

“Is there anything in particular you want to talk about today, or should I take the lead?”

“Actually I’ve been thinking a lot about that night.”, Joel suggests for the first time. He usually lets the therapist decide where to steer the conversation, then simply refuses to elaborate until he feels ready to talk.

“What about it?”, he shifts his gaze from the window to the direction of her voice.

“I should probably rephrase that. I’m always thinking about that night, repeating it in my head again and again and I’m troubled by something I realized.”

His therapist nods to signal that she's listening.

“Why did she just leave? The more I think about it, the more it doesn’t make sense to me. She just left. No shouting, no breaking things, no attacking either me or-”, her. “Why she didn’t stay? Why she didn’t insist that I leave? She was just- so quiet.”

The therapist smiles in recognition of Joel's near breakthrough. They were beginning to get somewhere, his empathy nudging him under the surface.

“I'm really glad you mentioned that, Joel, so I'd like to take you back to that night and try to understand what might have been going through your wife's mind at that moment," she explains.

“So, she walks into the house, finds her safe space violated by her husband, and she chooses to handle the situation calmly and quietly-” Joel tries to stop her, but she already knows what he's going to ask. “I can't tell you why she chose that path, that's for her to answer, only she knows why.” His therapist continues, “She is making one request of you and one request only, can you tell me what it is?”

“She asked me to leave the house.”

“Hmhm.” the therapist looks at him expectantly.

“I just wanted to talk to her.”, Joel elaborates, “I thought that if I refused to leave, she would accept to listen to me.”

“So you forced your needs on her, while she was in a particularly fragile state of mind.”

“I should have made my intentions clearer, you mean?”

“I mean, that maybe you shouldn’t have had any expectations in the first place. Why do you think was so important to you, to explain yourself right at that moment?”

“Because I knew it was probably the last time I would see her for a while, I just wanted to ease her pain, why is that so wrong? Should I be indifferent? Would that be better?”

“Did it ever occur to you that you might be depriving her of her right to choose?” Come on, Joel, break some eggs.

Joel now begins to make connections. He rubs his hand over his face, the realization of what has really happened crushing him. “Oh, god, I-” He's been so selfish from the start. He hasn't shown you any respect, not even at this delicate moment. He didn't give you a choice as to whether you wanted to listen to him or not. He didn't even let you choose where you wanted to stay. He just made you leave the house. Did he make you believe he wanted you to leave? That he wanted her to stay? Because he didn’t. Fuck. “-I never thought about it like that.”

Fuck.

How could he be so blind? Why was he so blind?

His therapist insisted on it. Because no matter how much progress Joel made over the course of a year, he never revealed the true reason behind his infidelity.

“Joel, we’ve talked about a lot of things; you’ve tried really hard to make this all about your wife and about understanding what she was feeling and how your actions have affected her, but as I keep reminding you”, she smiles understandingly, “you’re the one in therapy, you need to heal your wounds before you even attempt to heal hers. And although it is in fact a really noble thought, this” she gestures between them, “can only work if you do it for yourself. I know it may sound selfish, but I promise you, it is not. It is the exact opposite.”

Fuck.

“Yeah?”, his voice hoarse from sleep as he answers the door after the insistent knock at it. Tommy looks at him surprised once he opens it, “You’re sleeping, already?”. No, he wasn’t. He wouldn’t call it that. But when he goes almost a week without any proper rest, passing out is the right word for what he’s doing. “Yeah, I guess I dosed off..” Joel lies. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” Tommy responds as he squeezes himself through the door to enter the house. “Yeah, sure, come on in.”, Joel mutters under his breath. “You just saw me at work this morning, is everything all right?”

“I just came to check on you.” Tommy confesses uncomfortably.

“You could have called.”

“Would you have answered?” Tommy deadpans.

Touché.

“Tell Maria I’m fine, Tommy, no need to worry about me; go spend the night where it counts.”, Joel replies in an attempt to push him away, as he walks farther into the house, rounding the kitchen island.

“Hey, brother, I’m here, I am here for you.” Tommy’s eyes narrow in pain and concern as he stares at his sibling's back, following behind him.

Joel exhales hard through his nose, his grip tight as he grabs the edges of the counter, his head lowering between his shoulder blades.

“You shouldn’t, nobody should.” Joel sighs, rubbing the pads of his fingers across his forehead.

“Ok, that’s enough.” Tommy snaps at him. “Enough self-loathing, enough resignation. Enough. You’ve punished yourself enough.”

Joel laughs at that. “Is that right? Is it enough for you? What about her?” he asks, his head turned to the side, looking at his brother over his shoulder.

“What?” Tommy is genuinely confused.

Joel turns his back, resting his waist on the edge of the counter, now looking straight at Tommy. “I should have what? Just get on with my life? Let it all be water under the bridge? Disrespect her even more?”

“Jesus..” Tommy mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand, the other resting on his hip, his eyes shut in frustration.

“Are you doing this for her? Does she even know that?”

“It doesn’t matter, Tommy!” Joel raises his voice, exasperated. “I’m not doing this for her, I’m not doing anything for her, apparently and that’s the problem.”, his voice breaks, the lump in his throat too big to push down. “She’s not here anymore, Tommy.” he’s standing fully on his feet now, pushing himself away from the counter, leaning slightly forward, like he’s trying to make his brother understand; his eyes are glazed, Tommy had never seen him so devastated before. “She’s gone. I’ve lost her.”, his palms clenched in fists in front of his chest, resisting the urge to wrap them around his shirt and rip it to shreds, as he wants to do with his heart.

“I thought therapy was working..” Tommy whispers, his eyes dropping to the floor beneath him.

“Oh, it’s working, all right!” Joel chuckles in irony, sniffing his nose. “I’m getting a front-row seat, witnessing what a piece of shit I am-”

“Hey!” Tommy tries to cut him off.

“-what on earth was she doing with me to begin with, is beyond me.”

“HEY!” Tommy's eyes bulge out of his sockets, angry at his brother's self-deprecating words. Joel bends his waist forward, puts his elbows on the island in front of him and lets his head sink in again.

“Ok.” Tommy breathes deeply to ground himself, his hands in a position of a prayer in front of his mouth, “Ok, we could both use a drink.” he realizes, as he moves to open the cupboard to grab two tumblers and the whiskey from the shelf with the drinks. “..or five.”

The two brothers drink their first round in silence, both calming their nerves down. Tommy refills their glasses without asking; he knows this is going to be a long night.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.” Tommy begins, pushing Joel’s drink back towards him. Joel wringles his brows in confusion, “What are you talking about? You’re always there for me.”

“No, I haven’t, not really.” Tommy admits, “I let Maria take over when all this happened and I’m sorry.”

“There was nothing you could do, Tommy, don’t sweat it.”

“Let me say this, please.” Tommy raises his hand, his palm facing his brother. “I was just- fuck, we all knew how much you loved her, how much you loved each other, so when it all went down, I just didn’t know how to deal with it. What to say to you, how to comfort you. I didn't know how to deal with you.”

“You blamed me.” Joel says matter-of-factly.

“No-”, Tommy weakly refuses but Joel shakes his head dismissively, interrupting him. “It’s ok, Tommy, you should.”

Tommy looks embarrassed, his cheeks slightly pinkish, not only from the whiskey. “It’s just that I- I couldn’t reconcile the image of the man you were with her, with.. you know..”, he stutters.

“..the image of a cheater. Say it.” Joel adds.

Tommy shakes his head, like he still can't believe what's happened. “Besides, while she was staying with us those first few weeks I saw how devastated she was, man- she was a shell of a woman, so I was confused, I didn’t know how-”

“Tommy. Tommy, it’s fine.” Joel feels his skin crawl visualizing you like that in his head, cutting his brother off once again; he deserves every ounce of mistrust and he knows it.

“No, it’s not.” Tommy insists. “Yes, you fucked up. Brother, you really did. You did a number on her-”, Joel’s body tenses instantly at his brother’s words, his jaw clenching as his eyes darken, moving down to his hands, his grip on the tumbler tightening, his knuckles turning white and Tommy stops abruptly, “shit, sorry, I didn’t mean-”, his face twitches with regret.

“It’s the truth. That’s exactly what I did.” Joel’s gaze seems detached as if he's somewhere else right now.

“What I meant to say, is that I should have been there for you in spite of what has happened. I can see you're suffering, it's taking its toll on you, it has been for some time now; tell me what I can do. How can I help you?” Tommy seems almost desperate, like he’s the one in need of redemption.

Your text flashes through his mind, can you turn back time?, making him smile bitterly.

“Can you turn back time?” Joel's repeating your question and as the words leave his mouth he can feel your presence next to him. That's the most he felt of you for the last three years. He's almost blissful.

“You know I can't.” Tommy sighs. Joel laughs earnestly, the irony of the moment too good not to appreciate.

“Joel, brother, please, just talk to me. Help me understand. You act like you’re the one who’s been cheated on. So, what happened? Why did you do it?” Tommy is pleading with him to give him anything.

Silence fills the room for much longer than either of them would like. Joel feels torn between telling his brother everything or keeping his mouth shut. He wants to tell him, he hasn’t told a soul, but he’s not sure he can get the words out. He’s not sure he can bear to hear the words coming out of his mouth. He’s not sure he can substantiate it, make it real. Because that’s how it feels. He talks about it and it becomes real.

But maybe this is the right thing to do. That’s what needs to be done. He needs to talk about it. He needs to tell the truth and admit the pain he’s caused. Make it real for you, too. Perhaps it is time for him to give you what is rightfully yours. Acknowledgment.

Joel’s made up his mind. He’s gonna talk to Tommy. He lifts his glass to down his drink for some liquid courage, freezing his hand in mid-air as the next words fall from his brother’s mouth. “First of all, who was it?”

“What?” Joel's eyes search Tommy’s through his glass for an explanation.

“Who did you do?”, Tommy clarifies.

Joel feels like he’s been struck by lightning. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Who did you fuck, Joel?”, Tommy begins to feel confused, are they not on the same page here?

“You don’t know?”, Joel can barely speak now, his voice low in shock.

“No one does, not even Maria; she never told anyone.”

You told nobody? Not even your best friend? Why on earth would you do that? Did you feel ashamed? Was it just too much to talk about?

But his brain takes pity on him, helping him for once to understand. He’s connecting the dots while your voice fills the corners of his mind through his memories. His head is swarming with images of you standing in that walk-in closet, remembering what you said the last time he saw you. You’re the one I married, not her. I expected better from you, Joel, not her.

You were right.

It didn’t matter who it was. That is why. He was the one making the choice. He was the one breaking his promises, breaking your trust, breaking your heart; breaking you. He was the one who should have known better. He was the one who should have been honest. Easy in theory, hard in practice.

He feels a fresh wave of pain scattering through his body. He welcomes it. Damn, he’s craving it. He’s glad you chose to withhold the identity of the woman. Not because somehow it’s making it easier for him to defend himself, on the contrary.

There’s no one else to blame. Nobody. Just him. All of the anger, the resentment, the disappointment, all of them on him. He embraces them all. Everything. He will take it all, swallow it down and let it rot inside of him.

Joel tells Tommy everything. Everything, but her name.

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Taglist: @southernbe, @orcasoul, @auteurdelabre

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cowgurrrl · 6 months

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Something in the Orange

Pairing: Joel Miller x art teacher!reader

Author's note: this might become a mini series idk idk

Summary: A parent-teacher conference leads to trouble [4.0k]

Warnings: no outbreak! au, teacher things, Ellie being a little loner, Joel the Menace making a return, Joel gets both his daughters in this one because it's what he deserves, flirty flirt, i think that's it???

You feel like you've been running a million miles a minute since you got in this morning. The second you could unlock the door, at least three students spilled into your room and chaotically ran to the kiln to collect their most recent pottery projects. One of them ended up shattering (the exact one you warned Colin about, but he didn't listen), and, as per high school custom, they were all screaming about it. You consoled the students just in time for your principal to walk by and ask about lesson plans which made you scramble through your backpack for your notebook even though you knew damn well there wasn't a single lesson plan in there. "Do you always have those lights on?" Principal Martinez asked, gesturing to the room's fairy lights and orange lamps. Leave it to administration to want to avoid art classrooms so much that they don't even know about the Big Light Philosophy.

Since then, it's been class after class. You only have one more period before your planning period and then, finally, the end of the day. There are a hundred things to do, but you can't focus on any of them. You got so caught up in managing your classroom and helping students with the hardest parts of their portfolio work that you almost forgot you had a parent meeting scheduled during your planning period.

Calling in parents for meetings about their children may be your least favorite part of your job. It makes you feel like a bad teacher, and parents usually don't feel great about getting called in on a workday to talk about their kid. Luckily, Ellie's dad, Joel, seemed more than happy to take time to talk about her. You rack your mind for his occupation as you add some detail to a canvas you've been hiding in your office and working on when you can. Was he a blue-collar worker? Or was he another stuck-up Austin transplant parent who's gonna accuse you of lying? He'd make the fifth parent who's made you cry this semester.

A knock on your locked door pulls you from your thoughts, and you quickly put away your painting before answering the door. "I told you she was in here!" One of your students, Dina, announces as she and a posse of three other kids you don't recognize push their way into the room. "Miss, you've gotta take that thing off your door; otherwise, people are gonna think you went home!"

"You mean the sign that says, 'planning period. Do not enter?'" You ask, and she snaps her fingers.

"That's the one." She says as she and her friends start putting their backpacks down at one of your high tables. You sigh and kick the door stopper into the threshold.

"You guys can't stay here. I have a meeting in five minutes."

"With who?"

"None of your business."

"Miss!" Dina acts wounded, and you cross your arms over your chest, your keys jingling around your neck in the process.

"I am an adult with a college degree and the debt to show for it. You are a teenager with a still-developing brain. You have to listen to me," you say. "Wait, whose class are you supposed to be in right now?"

"Mr. Flynn's."

"Guys!" You groan before walking over to your desk and quickly writing up a hall pass for them. "I know you don't like math-"

"No, we don't like Mr. Flynn." Dina cuts you off.

"Or math!" One of her friends adds, and you shoot them a (loving) disapproving look.

"Whatever you don't like, you can't keep hiding out here. Mr. Flynn is two seconds away from trying to get me fired for how often I let his kids in here during class, and I actually like this job, so," you rip the hall pass off the pad and hand it to Dina. As they pack their stuff up, a tall, bearded man steps into your classroom and makes eye contact with you. "Out, out, out! I love you. You're gonna change the world one day, but please get out." You blow them kisses as you usher them out of the room.

"Are you Ellie's art teacher?" He asks, a confused look on his face, and you nod.

"Yes, I am. Sorry about that. They're still figuring out that I have work to get done even when I don't have a class," you explain, a little breathless from running all over the place and getting caught off-guard. You really do try to act a little more professional with parents, but the kids threw you off. The kettle whistling behind your desk doesn't make it any better. "Is there anything I can get you? Coffee? Tea?" You pick up a random mug off your desk but find it full of murky water. "Paint water?"

"Are you allowed to have an electric kettle in here?" He asks, and you laugh nervously as you find a clean mug and your tea box.

"I won't tell if you won't." You say. He stands there awkwardly as you pour yourself some tea, and you realize you didn't pull a chair up for him. "Um, we can sit..." you glance around your messy classroom until you find a clear table and gesture toward it. "Here." He follows your lead, and you take a deep breath as you sit down.

"You gonna be okay?" He asks, the hint of a smirk on his lips. His curly hair looks golden brown in the low light, and his round eyes have a little knowing twinkle. You take another breath to compose yourself and nod.

"Yes. Sorry. It's been a long day."

"Don't worry bout it. I'm sure they run you ragged."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Well, you do have paint in your hair." He says, and panic seizes in your chest. You're never more aware of how crazy your job can be until you meet Real Adults. Even if you can't remember what he does for a living, you still have to admit that you look a little silly next to each other: you, with your paint-stained sunflower dress and markered hands, and him, with his black shirt and jeans. He doesn't have any apparent stains or splatters on his clothes, but he's broad with thick biceps. He must work with his hands or something within that capacity. You clear your throat and try to get back on track with the meeting.

"Uh, so Mr. Miller, the reason I called you here today was to talk to you about Ellie," you start. "First, I just wanna say that she is an amazing student. She always does her work and engages thoughtfully with the material. I really do enjoy having her in class."

"Well, that's certainly good to hear. She talks a whole lot bout this class and you, so... it's nice to place a face to the name," he says, adjusting his position on the stool. "But I have a feelin' you didn't call me down here just to tell me how great my kid is."

"She is great. She's extremely talented, smart, and funny, but she spends more time in my classroom during lunch than anything else. I'm worried about her making friends and finding a community here at school. I've tried convincing her to join the art club, but she's hesitant. During class, she just sits with her headphones in and draws. She really doesn't like talking to anybody but me." You wait for blame to be assigned to you or get lectured, but it never comes. He just sighs, and he deflates a little in his chair.

"She's been through a lot this year. Well, her whole life, really, but 'specially recently," he says dejectedly. "What can I do for her?"

"There's an art show this Friday night here at the school. It'll all be student work from across the district. I thought if maybe you or... whatever adults she has at home came with her to this, she might feel more comfortable talking to her peers or even want to submit some of her own stuff."

"We can do that. I'll get off work early and ask her uncle if he wants to come," he's quick with his solution, and you're a little shocked. You rarely get parents, let alone fathers, who act this swiftly when something is going on with their kids. "Is there anythin' else goin' on that I should know bout?"

"Uh, no. Like I said, she's a great kid. You should be really proud." You say, and the concerned wrinkle between his eyebrows disappears with a proud smile.

"Thank you," he mumbles, suddenly shy. "And thanks for carin' so much bout her. It's nice to know she's got someone lookin' out for her here." You don't know what to say, so you just nod and stare at him. You know, like an idiot. It takes a chuckle from him to snap you out of your thoughts, and blood rushes to your cheeks.

"Yes, of course. She's a good kid." You say.

"You said that already."

"I bet you'd be a little scatterbrained if you were at the mercy of two hundred teenagers all day."

"You're absolutely right. I would be," he says, smirking devastatingly. "Someone ought to get you a coffee or somethin' if you're dealing with all that."

"People like you should go argue with the school board. I'm sure you'd be popular with all the teachers."

"That'd be a first. I think I might've been the least favorite parent for all of my girls' teachers."

"Well, I find that hard to believe."

"Yeah?" He asks, leaning forward just a little, and you nod, smiling. Your brain struggles to come up with something to say, and you're a little embarrassed at your silence, but luckily, your projector saves the day by buzzing loudly and making the picture on the board cut in and out. You mumble a quick apology before getting up and climbing up on a desk to jiggle a piece back into place. You hear Joel curse behind you, and when you turn to see what the problem is, you see him holding his arms out behind you. "Do you stand on desks often?"

"Only every day. I haven't fallen yet this year." You laugh at his exasperated expression and turn back to the projector. It's still making a weird noise, so you move it around a little more, moving the desk under your feet, and Joel stabilizes it with a sigh.

"How long has it been doin' that?"

"Couple months. I keep putting in maintenance requests, but nobody ever comes to fix it."

"I can fix it for ya," he says simply, and you look down at him. "I've got tools in my truck. It wouldn't take long at all."

"Really?" You ask, and he nods.

"It'd make me feel better knowin' you're not almost breakin' your neck every day."

"You mean, standing on a decades-old desk to mess with an ancient piece of equipment isn't OSHA compliant?"

"Please," he says, grabbing your ankle when the desk wobbles under you, and you laugh at his worry. "Let me fix it for you before you give me a heart attack." You think about declining and just putting in another work order, but the likelihood that anyone would actually come and fix it is slim to none. Plus, you really shouldn't be climbing on top of desks every day. You pretend to think it over for a few more seconds just to watch the worry play across his features as his grip on your ankle gets tighter.

"Only if you really mean it."

"I really mean it," he says, offering you his other hand. "Now, would you please get down?"

"Fine." You say and take his hand. You bend to safely get yourself down, but Joel moves his other hand from your ankle to your waist and basically hoists you to the ground. Once your feet touch the floor, he doesn't let you go immediately like he's trying to figure out if you somehow got hurt when he wasn't looking. There's a part of your brain that's aware of how inappropriate this would look to any passersby, but you're also highly aware of how warm his big hand is on your hip.

"Ya alright?" He asks softly, and you nod, taking a conscious step back from his arms.

"Yes, thank you."

"Good," he says, also taking a step back. "Let me go get my tools, and I'll get that fixed for you."

"Perfect. I'll be here." You stand there, staring at each other awkwardly, for another moment before he turns on his heels and walks out of the classroom. The second he's out of your line of sight, you bury your head in your hands and start silently freaking out.

What the fuck are you doing? How did a parent-teacher meeting turn into him hauling you off a desk and offering to fix your projector? Technically, nothing incriminating has happened, and it needs to stay that way. It doesn't matter if you think he's attractive or like how he worries about everything. He's Ellie's dad. Teachers have gotten fired for much less than this, and you're not willing to risk your career because of one guy.

When he gets back with his toolbox, you're sitting at your desk and sorting through assignments like a reasonable adult. He doesn't say anything as he climbs up on the same desk you were standing on and begins messing with the mechanics of the equipment. You each work in silence for a few minutes before a screw clatters to the ground, and he grumbles something under his breath. "Do you mind..." he starts, pointing toward the lost piece.

"Not at all." You cover your anxiety with your chipper teacher voice and search for the screw with your phone flashlight. You find it tucked between canvases, carefully pick it up, and walk over to where he's standing, waiting for him to be ready for it.

"It looks like it's just an old piece in here. I'm sure you can order a new one, and I can come back and install it if ya want," he explains, looking down at you. You probably look stupid just standing there with a tiny screw in your hand, but he doesn't laugh. "D'you mind handing me that tool to your right?" He asks, and you blindly reach for the tool you think he's talking about. "Your other right." He corrects, and you flush in embarrassment.

"Sorry. I never was a very good woodshop student." You say, and he laughs once he has the tool in hand.

"My girls are the same way. Just askin' ‘em to hold a flashlight while I work on their car is like pullin' teeth," he says fondly. "Speaking of which, is there a reason the lights aren't on in here?"

"The lamp light is less harsh, and it helps students focus. Plus, nobody likes coming into a bright classroom first thing in the morning." You explain, and he hums.

"If I'd had a teacher like you growing up, I would've been at school much more than I was."

"You didn't like school?"

"Hated it," he says, opening his hand for the screw. Once you drop the tiny thing into his large palm, he straightens up, and you can barely hear it going back into its rightful place. "'S a miracle I graduated."

"That was me in college."

"Now, I don't believe that for a second."

"Really?" You laugh, and he nods.

"Someone like you, with your pretty dresses and all that empathy, was meant to be a teacher."

"I wasn't always like this," you evade the compliment despite the butterflies in your stomach. "Being a teacher was never on my radar until I graduated. A lot of my life was never on my radar until then." He puts the hood of the projector back on and climbs down from the desk until he's standing in front of you again, wiping his hands on a red handkerchief from his toolbox.

"Well, with the way you carry yourself, I never woulda guessed." He says. He opens his mouth to say something more, but the sharp tone of the bell ringing cuts him off. You jump at the sound and look at the clock as if it were wrong.

"I'm so sorry. Time must've gotten away from me. Thank you so much again, Mr. Miller, for coming in to talk with me and looking at the projector. I hope to see you and Ellie on Friday." You say quickly as the sound of rowdy kids fills the hallway, and you hold your hand out to him. He takes it and squeezes it firmly.

"You can call me Joel. Mr. Miller makes me feel old." He says, and you smile. He doesn't look old, unlike the other dads you've encountered. Sure, he's got some gray at his temples and in his beard, but it suits him.

"Joel, it is then." You resolve. His hand lingers in yours for a little too long before finally pulling away. "Well, Joel, unless you want to elbow through teenagers, I'd suggest you hide out here for a few more minutes." He does happily, even helping you carry supplies to your car once the hallways have cleared out enough. He's a proper gentleman, slinging your backpack over his shoulder and opening doors for you. You part only once everything is in your trunk, and he bids you goodnight with a charming smile that fills your thoughts on your drive home.

Ellie surprises you the next day as you're setting up the classroom. Normally, she isn't in until right before the bell rings, so seeing her this early is a little bit of a shock. The ink staining her hands is not. "Hey, dude. What's going on?" You ask. "Did you get breakfast from the cafeteria today? I heard Mrs. Hodges has those French toast sticks that everyone loves. You can probably get two servings if you run."

"No, I already ate. My dad and uncle had to leave early this morning, so we got breakfast. Speaking of which," she says as she takes off her backpack and pulls a cup of iced coffee out of her water bottle pocket. "This is for you. We didn't know what you liked, so we got a vanilla latte or something."

"Oh, El! You didn't have to do that. Thank you, honey." You say, and she sets it on your desk for you to enjoy once you don't have paintbrushes in hand. "If this is your way of getting a good grade on your piece, I already told you that you have nothing to worry about."

"It wasn't my idea. It was my dad's." She says nonchalantly before moving to the back of the classroom to get her sketch book. You, however, are confused and secretly pleased that Joel thought of you when he didn't have to. You find a message scribbled on the side when you reach for the cup to take a sip.

Thanks again. See you Friday. -J

You turn to hide your smile from Ellie, but she's so deep in her work that you doubt she would've noticed anyway. You put some music on, and you and Ellie work silently on your projects until the bell rings and the day starts.

The rest of the week goes by without a hitch, meaning that nobody accidentally ingested paint, and you only had to have one Come to Jesus talk with your Art 1 class. When Friday night rolls around, you're excited to see all the students work and treat yourself by wearing a new shirt with black scribbles all over it and black dress pants. You figure you should look as art teachery as possible for an art teacher event.

By the time you get to the school, the hallways are buzzing with students dragging their parents from one piece to another and administrators praising their art programs even though you know not one of them has seen the inside of an art classroom in months. You make small talk with some of your students and their parents before finding a way out of the conversation and letting yourself wander through the makeshift gallery. You love your kids, but you really don't want them breathing down your neck as you look at all the art. You're almost at the end when you hear a familiar voice calling your name, and you turn to find Ellie walking toward you with Joel and, who you assume to be her uncle, next to her.

"Hey, kid! I'm so happy to see you here!" You say sincerely, and she smiles shyly. You turn to her uncle and hold your hand out to introduce yourself.

"Tommy. We sure have heard a whole lot bout you at home." He says with a smirk, and you laugh.

"All good things, I hope."

"Of course. Ellie just bout worships the ground you walk on," he says. "Joel was singin' your praises, too."

"Alright, I think that's enough. Why don't y'all go walk around, and I'll catch up with ya?" He suggests, and Tommy chuckles. Another teacher calls Ellie's name from down the hallway, and she's quick to drag Tommy off to meet him, leaving you and Joel alone. He's replaced his black shirt with a light blue dress shirt, and it looks like he's recently trimmed his beard. He looks nice.

"Singing praises, huh?" You raise your eyebrows at him, and he smiles sheepishly. "Thank you for the coffee the other morning, by the way. It was a really nice surprise."

"Figured it was the least I could do to thank you for takin' such good care of my girl."

"Well, thank you. I owe you."

"You don't owe me a thing," he says. "Although, Tommy was a little upset that I didn't bill you for lookin' at the projector."

"Was he?" You ask, and he nods.

"Oh, yeah," he laughs. "Said next time I should, at least, ask you on a date."

"Mr. Miller-"

"I thought you agreed to call me Joel." He raises his eyebrows in a silent challenge, and you shake your head, fighting a smile.

"Joel, while I'm flattered by the offer from someone so handsome-"

"You think I'm handsome?"

"I can't date my students' parents." You say, ignoring his question, but even then, the playful look on his face doesn't fade. "Well, I can leave you to it. I know Ellie will probably want to show you around."

"Right. Of course," he says. "It's really nice to see you."

"You, too. I'm just glad I didn't have paint in my hair this time."

"I don't know. I thought it was kinda cute." You feel yourself blush at his words, but you have to shut it down before it can become anything more than flattery. You take a deep breath and try not to let that stupid smirk weaken your knees as he watches you.

"Goodnight, Joel."

"Goodnight, ma'am." He says, tipping his head politely before sauntering down the hallway like he owns the place. Trouble, you think to yourself. But you can handle trouble. It's in your job description, for Christ's sake.

So, you brush off the flirting and try to ignore how his kindness and sweet words made you feel. You absolutely cannot flirt with the parent of one of your students. Dating is completely off the table. You can handle this like an adult. You have to.

After a cold shower and a leftover dinner, you check your email once more before going to bed that night. Sitting in your inbox with alarming clarity is an email from Ellie with the subject line: Art Club. Her email is somehow just as short as her subject line.

Simply, "When can I start -E."

TAGLIST: @abbyhaslongshorts @kiwiharrykiwi @sumsworldz @myloveistoolittle @anavatazes @marantha

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lil-tachyon · 5 months

Note

What all roleplaying games have you worked on?

I'll try to name them all here but there are a lot and some of them are pretty small so I may miss a few by accident.

Epochrypha (2018) by Skerples was both the first piece of paid work I did and also the first game supplement I worked on. This is so old I was still inking digitally.

I also provided illustrations for Magical Industrial Revolution and The Monster Overhaul by the same author.

Monster Overhaul was neat because I did interior illustrations in early 2020 but didn't do the cover until 2022 so you can see quite a stylistic evolution.

From 2018 to 2020 things were pretty quiet for me until I worked on The Shifting City by Dank Dungeons. People really liked the cover for some reason and that basically created a career for me. I still get people asking me to basically recreate this cover a few times a year:

I did a handful of illustrations from 2020 to 2022ish for Ukuwa Station that ended up in The Field Guide to Mfecane, a third party afrofuturist Lancer expansion.

Our Vale of Discontent was a small game I worked on in 2020:

Mycosis is a Mork Borg dungeon I worked on around this time, which notably marked my first attempt at doing some goofy black metal title font.

I did most of my illustration work for Desert Moon of Karth by Joel Hines in late 2020 and early 2021:

The sequel, Tide World of Mani is still being worked on. I just finished my last interior illustrations for it a month or two ago.

AZAG by Dank Dungeons was a game I worked on throughout 2021 that was a blast and I think more people should know about.

At some point in 2021 I did a bunch of pieces for Lore & Legacy although I don't remember exactly when. These never got posted but the book's been out for a while now so maybe I'll show them off later.

Late in 2021 was when I started doing illustrations for The Electrum Archive by Emiel Boven (I think issue 2 is out soon).

Early 2022 I did a bunch of character illustrations for some Victorian horror fantasy game that I don't think ever actually came out (commissioner never responded to me when I asked about it at least) which is a shame because I'm proud of these. At least I got paid!

This was another one for a game that I don't think ever came out:

I did character designs for Nebula Chaos by Polyhedra Games in 2022:

Then Neon Saber by Olivia Miller

Then some pieces for If Worlds Collide:

Then Critters & Companions by Pearse Anderson:

Ran out of space for images, I'll finish this in part 2...

#artists on tumblr #ttrpg art #rpg art #fantasy #scifi #ligne claire #long post #send me an ask!

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tokkiwrites · 16 days

Text

FAWN HEART, PART ONE : The night's desire.

dark!joel miller x f!reader

summary: After a few months of being together, you move in with your boyfriend, 'Adam'. His landlord, Joel Miller, takes a special liking to you.

tags: murder, stalking, spying, mention of abuse, mention of blood, violence, age gap, vulnerable reader, stalker joel, mentions of abusive relationship, pet names, she/her pronouns (let me know if i missed anything.)

ㅤ↪ㅤtokki's ۫ 𐑺 𝚜𝚞ׂ𝚐𝚊𝚛 ࣭ note ˑ ⌕ ࣭ ּ ➭ staring my first series ever !! of course, I will continue it only if this first part does well ( so no spice for now!! ). for now, we're starting off a bit mild, & I'm leaning more on the double storylines . this is short with only 1.5k words, but it's a little gift since i was gone for so long. sorry if it sucks! remember, requests are opened, and your feedback matters the most to me 🐰

【commencing】 : a heart as soft as the embrace of spring. She welcomed everyone with open arms, seeing the best in people, and never turned anyone away, no matter the pain. Her kindness boundlessㅡ she gave without expecting anything in return. But this gentle nature often left her defenseless. she continued to believe in the goodness of others, her fawn heart resilient and unwavering, oblivious to those trampling on it. her fawn heart, her weakness.

「may 04th ㅡ O2:08 AM」

he didn't know her. didn't deserve her. the nerve he had saying he loved her when he doesn't know what love is...he doesn't know what kind of love she needed.

so when he left for work every night, her true love would sneak in. Joel wasn't the romantic type, but for her, he'd do it all. he'd sit there, watching her sleep, staring as her soft lips puffed out when she took her shallow breaths as she slept - how her lashes laid so perfectly onto her cheeks.. that's all he could do - stare. no touching. It killed him. how that asshole could do all that he pleased to her and how she would accept almost nothing in return.

she was sweet. bitterly. her soft, gaze a testament to the trials she's been through. she could've had so much more, yet she chose this moron. Joel couldn't understand why? not just why she chose that - but why everything when it came to her. why? everything about her, she was an enigma. when Joel first set eyes on her, that's all he could think of. why? and how? how could he have lived so long without his angel by his side.

that was 6 months ago. Tonight, it's a little less cold outside- its may, and the summer smell fills the air, as branches sway next to the window in a tireless dance. cars sound in the distance, as late night chatter of the streets fill Joel's ears and her scent his nose. drowning - suffocating him in the anticipation that maybe for one night he'd have her. he never wanted to scare her - to hurt her. she's precious, a porcelain statuette he had to have. Joel was adamant. kissing her only with his gaze, he got up only as the moon kissed the sun goodbye, and the chickadees started their long-awaited song.

「june17th ㅡ O8:42 PM」

late again. he's always late, letting her wait with no sign for hours. it was his birthday, not that Joel cared, but the thin walls provided him with utmost soundㅡ any and all sounds.

she was crying, and he didn't want to budge in making it weird for her, but his heart twisted when he knew she wasted tears on a shit-head like Adam.

but he let his heart get the best of him, and maybe, just maybe, this was the moment when he let his heart dictate, and she finally realizes that she's better than that. better than Adam. Better for Joel. He makes his way to the apartment next door, thinking if he should be honest with her or make up a lame excuse like late payment on utilities or donations for a new front door. He knocked twice, his palms sweaty. This girl made him feel all giddy like a teenager again, heart racing, his dreams full of her. The door cracks open, revealing just half of her red, puffy face with make-up pushed around.

"Y-yesㅡ"

"Hey, there, Iㅡ is everything alright, fawn darling?" his eyes furrow, a weight settling down in his stomach. he couldn't stand seeing her like this. her eyes finally reach his, a glint of gratitude glimmering within them. "hi, Mr.Miller. I'm fine justㅡ" she sighs. "Adam bailed on me.. again!" she tries to laugh it off, wave it as a joke, but the pain in her spirit is apparent. "Sorry if i was, you know... crying too loud. I'll keep it down -"

"fawn...darlin', you know-" Joel's gaze softened "you know you can always come to me if you ever need a shoulder to cry on. As corny as that sounds, 'm all here for ya." looking down at her, he dares not break eye contact.

"Thank you, Mr.Miller.."

"I told you to call me Joel, didn't I?" he tsks, straightening his back. "I feel too old when you call me mister.." Joel admits, in a playful manner. "Got it. Joel." How it rolls off her tongue like honey. how he wants to lick off every drop and indulge into her like the powerful drug she is, so deeply coursing through his being, wishing he'd hear her scream his name underneath him one day. "Right, so- if you ever want anythin'.." he scratches his rough beard. "I'm one door away."

"Thank you, Joel." she steps out barefoot, throwing herself into Joel's arms, hugging him whilst her sweet perfume envelopes them both. Joel breathes inㅡ so close. At last, the hug is broken, and she scurries back inside, leaving Joel stuck in his fantasy.

"My sweet fawn."

「july 3rd ㅡ OO:35 AM」

"Why so hostile, little bird? I thought you liked it when i touched you like this.. a little rough." he rasped, voice scratching at her chest like a knife. "Adam, you're drunk. let's justㅡ get inside." she manages to huff out as her palms lay flat on Adam's chest, pushing him away. "Baby- c'mon, be a doll."

"stop, Adamㅡ stop!" you could hear the frustration in her voice, and the tears that were brimming at the corners of her eyes, threatening to fall.

he couldn't just stand there and witness this. he'd regret it forever, unquestionably. " 's everything alright here?" Joel tries to play it cool. He doesn't want to let off too muc. Hee doesn't want it to escalateㅡ for her to get hurt.

" Mr.Millerㅡ"

"Yeah, none of your business, man. Just leave, okay?" Adam scoffs, staring down the hallway where he heard Joel's voice, thinking to himself,'what this old geezer was doing up so late'. "careful, boy. don't want ya to hurt your pretty lady, ok? just makin' sure everything is -"

"yeah, i fucking said everything is alright, so mind your fucking business, dude!" he spat "Jesus, man." Joel does nothing but smile. Does this Adam guy know what he has gotten himself into? Surely not.

He stretches his neck, making it crack as he takes one step closer to where the couple was. By this time, she was already starting to panic, soft pleads leaving her mouth as that jerk held onto her frame, shaking it up whilst he threw rude remarks towards Joel.

"Let go of her, boy."

"Fuck outta here, old ass. Don't make me come to you, I'm not nice when I'm drunk."

"Oh, I know." Joel promptly comes closer so that only a part of his face is visible by the light of the moon shining through the large window.

"Adam, let's just -"

"Quiet, bitch!" With a swift turn, Adam managed to deliver a harsh backhanded slap to her head, the pounding pain sending her a few steps back, right into the wall. "See, if you weren't here I would've gotten some pussy tonight. But you had to show up." Adam laughs, shaking his hand to recover from the hit. "You a knight in shining armor, or what?"

"You apologize to her, before I rip your fucking legs off and shove them up your sorry ass." Joel was calm. he tried his hardest to not run towards her, embrace her in his tight armsㅡ but he had other plans for now.

"Spare me the threats, old man. one wrong move, and your whole body dislocates." Adam laughs hungrily, shoving joel. or at least attempting. " I don't even know why you care so much. This bitch was onto me the whole night, but when its time to finally get the dick she shys away." he raises his arm again, oblivious to the knife Joel had aimed straight to his jugular, all this time, impatiently thirsting over the thought of Adam's blood gushing onto him. At first Adam is confused, but as he catches a glimpse of Joel's dark grin in the moonlight he finally realizes― he'd been stabbed.

with one palm over his mouth, joel grabs Adam closer, the knife slitting further into his flesh, now reaching his ear.

"You gotta know how to respect your elders, boy." Joel sucks a sharp breath through his teeth, staring deep into Adams eyes as he retracts the knife and promptly shoves it right between his eyes, with enough force that you could hear a faint 'crunch' sound. "ㅡand your lady." In a failed attempt to reach for the girl that was frozen in place, Adams pathetically tries to grab onto her dress as he collapses to the ground.

everything is silent for a moment.

So she stood there, watching as the blood from the splayed body pooled at her feet, the only sounds bouncing off the walls that bathed in darkness were her short breaths and slow steps approaching to where she practically turned to stone.

"'s alright, baby fawn . he can't hurt you no more. i promise."

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal smut #joel miller smut #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #joel x reader #dark!joel miller #dark!joel x reader

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livyjh · 1 year

Note

Helloooo don't know if you take submissions but I saw in one of your fics you mentioned the use of a safe word with Joel Miller (was it you? Might've been someone else) and it got me thinking what if reader needed to use it? Maybe Joel's a bit too rough, maybe he accidentally says or does something that triggers reader and they need looked after? They just need Joel's presence to sooth them because whatever else Joel may be, he's ultimately a care taker. Soz I'm a big sucker for aftercare.

Hi, anon! 🥰 It was not me that wrote a safe word fic but I do think I know which one you’re talking about. Tho I’m sure there’s more than one with a safe word. Anywaaaays I wrote this, focusing on aftercare. ❤️ Joel is honestly just a big teddy bear at the end of the day.

Aftercare

Joel Miller x Reader

Rating: EXPLICIT 18+

Word count: ~740

Summary: Joel comes home angry one day and gets carried away, making you need to use your safe word because he got too rough.

A/N: Also I don’t know if the safe word I chose was the same as the other fic. I apologize if it was! Not trying to copy but I can’t find the original fic I read to double check.

Warnings: dub!con penetration (kinda?), use of a safe word to make things stop, rough sex, no prep or lube, choking, derogative terms used towards reader. (Let me know if I missed something)

Joel Miller Masterlist

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Joel had a shitty day.

So here you were, sucking his cock to try and help him feel better. It was the first of many things you were going to try to please him.

When he’s in a mood he likes to get rough with you. And you don’t mind it, most times. That’s why you have a safe word. So you can stop him whenever you’re not feeling it instead of having to shyly explain to him why you’d like to stop.

He’s sat on the edge of the bed, naked, with you, also naked, on your knees on the floor in front of him. Both his hands are fisted in your hair, pulling and pushing your head up and down on his dick.

Your hands are braced on his upper thighs and you can feel tears in your eyes with the way you keep choking on his thick cock.

He pulls your head off and drags you up by your hair to get on top of him, straddling his lap. It hurt but it also made you that much wetter.

“Look so good chokin’ on me. My little slut.” He lines himself up and pulls you down by the shoulders to slam down onto his member.

It was pretty painful, him going in without any prep or even extra lube besides what your body had produced. But he got home all of ten minutes ago and you weren’t quite all the way warmed up yet.

“Jesus, Joel-“ you gasped in pain and pleasure, fingertips digging into his shoulders so you could ground yourself.

“Uh-uh.” He reaches up and grabs you by the throat. “Who am I?”

“S- sir. Sorry, sir.” You squeak out, his cock slowly dragging out of you just to quickly thrust back in. “Fuck!” Your nails start to dig into his skin.

“Bet you love me takin’ you like this, huh, baby?” His dick twitches before he starts slamming up into you with what felt like all the force he could muster.

You can only manage a small whine in response.

He grabs you roughly by the jaw, fingertips poking your cheeks, making you look at him. “Answer me, fucking whore.”

“Te-“ you start, having a hard time forming words with the way he’s fucking you. “Texas-!” You choke out.

Joel stops immediately and pulls you up so that his cock falls out of you. He sits you back down in his lap comfortably before both his hands move to hold your face gently. “Honey? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I got carried away.” He shakes his head.

“It’s ok-“ you start.

“No. S’not okay.” He shakes his head once more. You sniffle, tears threatening to force their way out. He kisses you softly, so fucking softly.

“Come on.” He reaches down to the backs of your thighs to support you as he stands up and walks around to the side of the bed to lay you down and crawl under the covers with you.

You squeeze your eyes shut and a tear rolls down your cheek. You and Joel are facing each other, he leans in to kiss the tear from your face.

His arm is wrapped around your waist, thumb moving gently back and forth over your rib cage. “Baby, I’m sorry.” He kisses your other cheek now.

You sniff again and wipe at your eyes. “I forgive you.”

“You don’t have to.” He reasons.

“I know.” You give a weak smile.

“What was it? Just so I know not to do it next time.” He raises a brow.

You swallow thickly. “I don’t… it wasn’t anything specific. It all just felt like too much today. Maybe another time-“

“No, no. I gotta treat you better, sweet girl.” He kisses your lips softly. “You tell me when you want me to get rougher. From now on. If that’s okay with you.”

You smile wide now, kissing him again, deeper this time. “Yes, that’s okay with me.” You hum softly.

“Alright.” He takes a breath. “Now, darlin’, do you just want me here with you, or can I get up and make you some food after drawin’ you a bath?”

“I just want to be here with you right now.” You blink your soft eyes at him. “We can do all that later.”

He smiles at you and kisses your lips again before pulling you into his chest, resting his chin on top of your head. “Alright.”

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beardedjoel · 10 months

Text

closer | part twenty one

joel x f!reader. non-apocalypse au.

series masterlist | main masterlist | ao3

chapter summary: it's joel's birthday, and you've got one thing on your mind when you pay him a surprise visit, the first time you've seen each other in weeks. 10.6 k words. chapter warnings: 18+ MDNI, age difference (joel is 42 and reader is 25), soft!dom joel, grinding, unprotected piv, rough sex, dirty talk, praise kink, overstimulation / multiple orgasms, posessive! joel, tinitest of spit kinks (blink and you'll miss it) a/n: thanks for the patience amazing readers, this one feels like it took me ages to get posted, but i'm feeling good about how it turned out! i hope it lives up to what y'all were hoping for joel and reader! heheheh

Birthdays have never been Joel’s favorite, and the older he got, the less he looked forward to waking up another year older. He supposes that most people feel that way as they age, anyways, and tries not to pay it much mind. He wakes up that Friday, his birthday, wishing it was just any other day. But knowing Tommy, he’ll have something up his sleeve for today, and he groans internally and externally as he sits up and climbs out of bed. If this is what being forty three feels like - back aching, stiff knees, living without the girl he loves due to his own colossal stubbornness - he doesn’t want any part of it.

Grumbling to himself as he gets ready, taking a quick shower and running his hands through his wet hair to try and have some semblance of a good appearance, Joel vows to just try to just get through the day. He doesn’t fail to notice the way he’s checked his phone several times while he was getting ready, knowing the reason why is wishful hoping that you’ll text him. The only reason he could find to care about his birthday is if it was you recognizing it, he thinks with a growing twinge of sadness in his chest. Messaging you first seems like too much, like he’s asking for you to wish him a happy birthday, and the thought makes Joel instantly cringe, the long standing pit in his stomach falling deeper.

He’d just try to make it through the day, that was all, that was his motto right now. He found himself saying that more days than not recently, though. How many more days until he just couldn’t make it through the day, until this little motto lost all its meaning?

He sighs, deep in thought as he pulls up to work for the day, expecting the worst. If there’s even one party decoration in sight, Joel swears he just might wring Tommy’s neck. His day goes uneventfully for the most part, much to his surprise. While Tommy chose to spare him on the decorations, he did bring a chocolate sheet cake to their job site for everyone to enjoy, and Joel’s thankful it doesn’t have too much frill to it. Tommy just had to have them write on it, making sure to put his age and everything out there for the world to see - Happy 43rd Birthday Joel! He swears the numbers are bigger than anything else on the cake, and he can picture Tommy requesting that exact thing at whatever bakery counter he’d ordered this from.

Regardless of his sour mood, the cake tastes so good that Joel finds himself having a second slice, and he claps Tommy on the shoulder, thanking him for going through the trouble at the end of their workday.

“No problem, brother. Know I love ya. You ready to head out to Murray’s?” Tommy asks, and Joel gives him a curt nod.

Tommy had agreed to drive Joel to the bar after dropping the cake and Joel’s truck off - that way he could drink as much as he wanted and Tommy had convinced one of their site managers, Don, into being a designated driver for the night to take Joel home afterwards. Don had grumbled on, saying why couldn’t Tommy do it but he knew Tommy Miller was a drinker, and wouldn’t want to miss out on celebrating his brothers’ birthday in the only way he knew how - getting belligerently wasted.

Typically, Joel may have indulged just as much as Tommy on a night like this, especially with how much he was additionally hating his birthday this year compared to other years. If you’d told Joel this time last year he’d end up sitting with a broken, hurting heart on his next birthday, he probably would have scoffed at the idea. Joel just simply wasn’t feeling up for having more than a few beers tonight, ready to call it an early night and forget this day ever happened.

He was already sick of watching the door religiously, a man with one prayer uttered over and over in his head for you to walk through it any minute, glowing and radiant as always, here to cure everything that ailed him right now. As far-fetched as he knew the idea was, it ate away at the back of his mind throughout the entire few hours he spent there while he tried to not be completely horrible company to be around. At least everyone else seemed to be having a good time for his birthday, he thought with a scornful chuckle to himself, shaking his head a little bit.

When he finally convinces Don to take him home, Joel feels relief as his house comes into view. He wants to just change out of his clothes, put on some TV, and binge eat cake until he falls the fuck asleep in front of the screen and can move on from his birthday. Don seems to sense Joel’s increasingly self deprecating mood, and gives him an encouraging squeeze on the shoulder, wishing him another happy birthday and telling him to get some rest.

Joel is focused now, so close to the safe, warm, comfort of his home and his little plan for the rest of his night that he fails to notice you sitting in the shadows on his porch until your voice squeaks out and nearly has him jumping out of his skin.

“Hey stranger… Happy birthday,” you say, and Joel hears your voice, so sweet and quiet, but can barely register it. You look like you’ve walked straight out a dream of his, even in the dark he can see your pretty eyes framed by your delicate eyelashes fluttering as you blink nervously, the way your dress is hugging in all the right places before it falls just around your knees. He feels like his breath is torn right out of his lungs, and he’s frozen right there, keys halfway in the lock, just looking at you. Your name slips quietly out of his lips as a question, almost unintentionally, and you straighten a little more in your seat at hearing it.

“Wh-what’re you doin’ here?” Joel asks, finally finding his voice.

“Waiting for you,” you say candidly, and Joel just blinks for a moment, looking at you.

“Hope it wasn’t long… I was at the bar.”

“I uh, I know,” you tell him, and Joel’s brow crinkles a little in confusion. “Tommy told me. Actually, he invited me…” Joel interrupts with an irritated scoff at Tommy, muttering “asshole” under his breath to his non-present brother.

“I’m sorry I didn’t go,” you say, giving him a small, lopsided smile. “I didn’t want to interrupt your nice evening with… well, me.”

Joel’s mind is spinning now, taking all of this information in. He’s still reeling from just seeing you after so long, looking just as perfect as always, and now he’s expected to have a conversation with you when he can barely think straight.

When he doesn’t respond for a few moments, shifting in place, you glance to the other wicker chair next to you and motion to it. “Want to sit with me?” you ask, giving him a hopeful smile, your eyes shining and slightly wet. Were you close to crying? Joel felt a pull in his chest at the sight of you like this.

“‘Course, sorry,” Joel replies, shaking his head a little bit to bring himself back. “Jus’ a little surprised to see ya.”

“Sorry, if it’s not a good time, I can go,” you say quickly, sitting impossibly close to the edge of the chair, ready to leave at a moment’s notice if necessary.

“No, no s’alright. Stay, sit back,” Joel says, waving you off and finally taking a seat next to you. You end up scooting back, getting a little more comfortable as you lean back in the chair and look over at Joel, a mixture of expectation and anxiousness written on your face.

“So… it’s your birthday,” you say with a teasing glint in your eyes, and Joel gives you a playful glare.

“Would seem that way, wouldn’t it,” Joel replies with an amused huff.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to Murray’s,” you apologize again, “I didn’t want to make it a weird thing, since we haven’t… y’know, seen each other in a while.”

“Oh…” Joel says, musing for a moment. “Yeah, makes sense. But you’re here, now.” Joel feels a smile pull at his lips as he dares to look a little closer at you, seeing the familiar features of yours that he loves so much up closer. It’s been far too long since he got to gaze at you like this, he thinks to himself.

“I am,” you say, returning his smile. “Had to wish you a happy birthday.”

“Could’ve jus’ called,” Joel teases, despite feeling beyond elated that you’d showed up on his porch tonight. “Glad you didn’t, but just hope you didn't go through too much trouble.”

“If I had just called…” you say, dragging your words out, “How could I give you this?” You nudge a box on the little table in between the two chairs you’re sitting on towards him, and it’s the first time Joel even noticed it between it being dark outside and his transfixion on your face. He smiles tentatively as he gathers the box into his hands, pulling it onto his lap and inspecting it. A bright, confetti pattern adorns the wrapping paper with a shining red bow on top. It’s neat, tidy, perfect - exactly the kind of wrapping job he’d expect from you with so much thoughtfulness put into it.

“This is… real nice,” Joel stutters out. “Thank you…”

“Don’t thank me yet, you haven’t even opened it,” you say with a chuckle. You seem nervous - Joel clocks your hands moving around anxiously in your lap, a telltale sign that you’re thinking too much.

“Either way, even if it’s total crap in here, it looks great,” Joel says with a light laugh, one you return, and he can see your tension easing. Joel lets his fingers tuck under the flaps of the paper as he tears it open, revealing a small, wooden box. He lets his hand run along the outside, a quizzical look on his face as he inspects it.

“Open it already, you’re killing me,” you blurt out playfully, your hand going to your mouth to absentmindedly chew on a nail.

“Alright, alright, hold your horses,” Joel says, his eyes brightening with delight at the situation. He’s still not entirely sure any of this is real, but he savors the moment for another second before opening the wooden box perched on his lap.

Inside is an intricate, gorgeous set of hand tools for woodworking, neatly arranged in the box, all with their own little placeholders. Joel gapes at it, not even realizing how many times his mouth opens and closes, trying to find the words to say. He can make out enough detail on everything in the dim porch light, but he’d bet these will be even more beautiful once he can get a good look at them.

“Don’t even know what to say, darlin’... this is…” Joel trails off, picking up one of the tools and inspecting it. “This is too much.”

“No, it’s not, Joel,” you defend immediately, stiffening in the chair. You’re absolutely ready to go to war with whatever Joel’s thoughts are telling him right now.

“Y-you shouldn’t have done all of this. Don’t deserve a gift like this from you.” He shakes his head slowly, still keeping his eyes on the box in his lap, not wanting to look at you and show all the vulnerability in his eyes.

“That’s just not true Joel, I wanted to buy this for you, show you how much you still mean to me. Close the box and look at the lid again.” Joel gives you a weary look in response but does as you ask, inspecting the lid closer, and that’s when he spots it.

“See? It has your initials, right there,” you say, reaching over to point it out to him, your hand brushing dangerously close to his, and Joel feels his heart skip slightly in his chest at the proximity.

“I see that…” Joel sighs out, finally meeting your gaze. “This is perfect, sweetheart. Thank you,” he says solemnly, and while you don’t misunderstand Joel’s reaction, you feel a twinge of sadness that he’s having a hard time accepting this gift.

“I just noticed you didn’t have a ton of tools yet when you showed me your woodworking table, and I saw all those little wooden carvings you were doing - animals and stuff, so I thought maybe you’d need this,” you explain anxiously, giving Joel a half smile.

“Yeah, y’are right about that, didn’t have everything I needed yet. Been havin’ a hard time… with the small stuff…” Joel’s voice is coming out quieter than he wants, but he’s overcome with emotion right now. He swipes his hand over his eyes, trying to get his bearings, but you keep a steady gaze on him, observing his passing emotions. Joel feels your hand on his suddenly, fingers soft and delicate as you reach over from your chair to touch him.

“I want you to have this,” you say, and Joel looks up to see your lips curved up softly, eyes gentle and looking like they’re staring right into his very soul. Your fingers wrap around his hand, still closed around the box on his lap, and the warmth from your hand alone is taking him to another place, having wished and pined for your touch for so long now.

“Alright, I believe ya, then. Thank you again, it’s really… somethin’,” Joel says, a little bit of confidence growing in his voice again, and it lifts a small weight off of your chest to hear it.

“You’re welcome, Joel,” you say, giving his fingers a squeeze before starting to pull your hand back towards yourself. Joel’s hand catches it before it even leaves the vicinity of his chair, and holds on again, gripping tightly around your fingers.

You two sit for what feels like an eternity, just his hand holding yours, both of your eyes full of questioning, possibility, and something… more.

“I have something else… for your birthday,” you manage to say just above a whisper, your voice low and saccharine as you shift forward in your seat, sliding to the edge and standing up. You still haven’t let go of Joel’s hand, using it to guide yourself the few steps over to his seat. You fluidly guide your legs on either side of his hips and slide onto him, settling yourself to straddle his lap. Where your hands join, you guide it to settle on your hip, and Joel follows suit with the other hand, gently touching you as if he’s afraid of breaking you.

Honestly, he was. He was so afraid of that possibility that he stiffened under your weight, panic rising up in his chest. He couldn’t deserve this, he couldn’t be allowed this happiness again.

You read his tensing body immediately, and snake a hand up to ghost along his cheek, brushing gently with the back of your hand. Joel lets out a sigh at the softness of your touch, the repressed longing built up in every cell of his body finding some escape in this one little puff of air exiting his lungs. His eyes flutter closed as you do it again, flipping your hand this time to rake the pads of your fingers down his cheek and through his beard.

“I-” Joel starts, a rasp to the little noise that breaks your heart. When you look into his eyes, you find nothing there but desolation in his warm brown, and you shake your head slightly.

“Shh,” you say soothingly, leaning forward slightly, “I know. I know.” Your head goes into the crook of his neck, your hot breath alone sending a shiver down his spine before you multiply it with a brush of your lips against his warm skin. Fluttering kisses along his neck, taking your time with each one, feeling and hearing Joel sigh deeply each time your lips touch him. When you reach his ear, taking the lobe into your mouth and giving it a gentle suck, Joel seems to melt a little before coming to his senses enough to speak up.

“You shouldn’t be… don’t deserve…” Joel murmurs. You pull back slightly, nuzzling your nose against the side of his cheek, taking the other side of his face into your palm, pressing yourself as close as you can. He catches the scent of your shampoo as your hair falls forward over the back of your head, right into his face. A scent he’d started to forget, nearly panicking the day he’d realized it was happening. A scent that he could have spent a lifetime searching for in drug and beauty store aisles, knowing it could never compare to this moment right here, when it was combined with you. Joel breathes in shakily, his erratic inhales and exhales showing just how close he is to breaking down.

“I want you, more than just this. I want you, Joel,” you say, your confession laid bare. Joel’s heart thuds so loud he’s worried you can hear it clear as day as you two sit in a tense silence. You hold yourself against him with baited breath, now just left to wait for his response.

“You mean…” Joel starts, afraid to dare the question to leave his tongue for fear of your answer.

You nod into him. “Yes,” you breathe. “Can we… try again? I’m ready, if you want it still.” You keep your voice low, vibrating right against his ear, and Joel lets another shudder wrack his body. He feels impossibly taut, like his muscles could snap at any moment, like he could fully break. But when he hears your words, he feels an instant release, the breaking of a thread that had been pulling, pulling, pulling, these last few months, slowly choking the life out of him. It was gone now. His chest nearly ached with the sudden lightness, and he fought the urge to clutch at it, not wanting to let go of where he held your hips even for a second.

“If I want it? If I want it…?” Joel echoes in disbelief. His arms slide around to your back, folding you deeper into his embrace and he chokes back a sob. “All I’ve ever wanted… right here,” he says, tugging you even closer, impossibly close, so that you’re nearly melding together into the same person.

“Joel…” you manage to say, choked up with your own tears now. You could never express just how right everything feels at this moment, being back in Joel’s arms, being so sure of it when you’d been riddled with every worry and anxiety about this exact moment for weeks. You knew that you’d made the right decision, there wasn’t a doubt in your mind.

“I got you, I got you, sweetheart,” Joel says, his hand now gripping the back of your head as you hang your head onto his shoulder, burying into his neck and taking in his scent with a shaky breath, quickly blinking away your tears.

You push back against his hand, bringing yourself to eye level with him and peering into his eyes for what feels like the first time all over again. The emotion swirling there is nearly unreadable - a mixture of joy, care, wonder, and lust, and it’s all being directed at you, nearly taking your breath away. Before you can think, your lips crash into his, hard at first but turning delicate quickly, wanting to really feel this moment and the weight it has for you. Joel returns your passionate, slow kisses, his tongue begging entry into your mouth nearly immediately, and you let him, your tongues dancing together in the most beautiful way as you savor each other.

Your hips move with a mind of their own, slowly pushing forward onto Joel and back again, starting a steady grind on his lap. Joel groans so loudly you nearly jump, and you find a small moan escaping your lips when you continue going back in for more, more, more from him.

“Fuck,” he murmurs quietly into your mouth as you brush over the now obvious hard bulge in his jeans with your warm heat. You intensify the way you’re kissing him now, wrapping your fingers tightly around the back of his neck and hooking them deeply into the dark curls lying there, tugging enough to elicit another little noise from Joel, more desperate this time.

He uses the opportunity to pull back slightly, his heavy breathing mingling with your own.

“Are you su-“ Joel starts, but you cut him off, not even wanting him to finish the question for the fact that he’d be harboring any thoughts that you have doubts about this.

“I’m sure,” you say with conviction, locking your eyes on his again. His eyes seem to harden with determination then, nearly going a shade darker in the dim lighting of the porch. Joel lips find yours again and he devours you, practically stealing your breath with the ferocity of it. His hands slide to your ass, gripping it tightly and bunching the thin fabric of your dress in his hands before he pushes on you, forcing you forward to grind on him again. You let out a little whimper at his forcefulness, having missed the way his hands so perfectly guide you and show you exactly what you need. How he knows exactly what you need every time may always remain a mystery to you, but you’re not one to question perfection.

You continue your steady movements on top of him, letting Joel push you forward each time, his jeans beginning to rub a perfect rhythm on your aching pussy. It’s nearly too much already, too much Joel after being away from this bliss for too long, and you break off your kiss just to bury your head in his shoulder, mewling quietly next to his ear as you quicken your pace on his lap.

“Yeah, that’s right, baby, fuck…” Joel breathes out, already completely undone by the way you two are moving together as he starts grinding his hips back into you. “So fuckin’ perfect.”

You can feel your heart beating out of your chest, nervous for some reason as you decide you want more, to move things along with him. You think you’ll combust soon if you two keep up only making out like a couple of teenagers. While it feels amazing to be reunited, you feel the need to show Joel just how serious you are about what you’ve told him.

Your hand shakes a little as you reach between the two of you to grab at Joel’s belt, swiftly undoing it amid many approving sounds from Joel as his lips attach themselves to your neck, kissing along the length of it and up to your face, covering as many spots as he possibly can with an undying eagerness to taste you on his lips.

Joel lets out a hiss when your hand reaches inside of his jeans, your fingers brushing along the soft fabric of his briefs, tracing the hard length of him inside.

“Is this okay?” you quietly rasp, and Joel’s approval stretches from his little smile to his eyes as he nods.

“Gonna make me crazy already, baby, the way you’re touchin’ me,” he says as you continue your movement along his shaft and wrap your hand tighter for a quick moment before sliding your hand inside of his briefs. The warmth of his skin blazes onto your hand as he throbs beneath you with your light strokes. Joel hums pleasantly, his eyes glazing over with need when you dare to peek into them. His head nearly lolls back onto the chair with a little groan when your finger swipes the head of his cock, feeling the wetness of his precum before you swirl it around the tip of his cock with your thumb.

Your entire body feels on fire, warm from the inside out as your core twists deep inside with need, the desire to feel him inside of you reaching a dangerous territory of necessity for you.

“Joel…” you coo as your cunt aches so sweetly for him, more than ready for him to completely own it again. You wrap a hand around his cock, fingers feeling so small around his girth that it makes your mouth water with anticipation for what’s to come.

“I know, baby,” Joel responds as you pull his cock out of his jeans, freeing the length of him and you gasp a little at the remembrance of the full size of him, already finding yourself picturing it being thrusted deep inside of you. Joel smirks at the starry-eyed look on your face as you take him in again and places his hands on your thighs, sliding your dress up higher.

“Missed my big fuckin’ cock, didn’t you?” Joel asks, so cocky and sure of himself that it sends another wave of desire straight to your clit and you can only find yourself nodding. “‘Course you did,” Joel adds on when he sees your speechless, practically drooling response to his question. Joel’s hand has been steadily moving your dress higher until his hands slide right to your ass, playing with the fabric of your panties, tracing his fingers along the lace.

Your hips lurch forward with anticipation, and you bring your lips down to Joel’s again, kissing him with pent up passion as one of his hands comes forward to cup your cunt, finding it desperately soaked for him, and he tuts into the kiss as if he can’t believe what he’s feeling. You push into his hand, your clit eager for any kind of movement on it, and Joel obliges, letting you grind onto his palm through your underwear for a few moments

“Need to see this pretty little thing,” Joel murmurs breathlessly, and you nod feverishly in agreement.

“Just fuckin’ rip them off, Joel,” you tell him, your lips barely leaving his to utter the words, and Joel growls deep in his throat at your eagerness, his fingers wrapping around the side of your panties to tear at them. You hear the splitting of seams as the fabric comes apart with a swift tug from Joel. It makes you feel impossibly feral that his strong hands made such quick work of the fabric that you can't help the moan that escapes you as you feel your panties fall away, completely ruined as Joel pulls them out from between you and tosses them to the ground, his lips never coming apart from yours.

You lift your hips up, giving Joel the opportunity to slide his cock between your legs, and you moan immediately at the way he feels against your slick folds. He grabs the base of his cock with one hand, and your ass with the other, guiding himself to rub back and forth against you until you’re breathing so erratically that you have to stop kissing Joel for fear you won’t be able to catch your breath. He increases the pace, and every time his plump head presses and brushes against your clit you feel the build up tighten in your core even more until you’re ready to burst, the tension reaching a high as you nearly choke on your words.

“I’m gonna… Joel… fuck, I’m oh -“

Your hips roll and spasm down onto his cock, and he keeps up the pace, brushing his head quickly over your pulsing clit in rapid motions as you ride out your orgasm. Your head buries into his chest, covering up your moans of his name as you yell it out into his shirt with a hand clutching tightly to the fabric.

“Good, so good, baby, yeah, just ride it out f’me,” Joel praises, stroking the back of your head, “Come all over this cock, f-fuck…”

You whimper and slump into him a little to catch your breath and come down, but the feeling of his soaked cock still pressing against your folds sets you off all over again, and you need more.

“Inside me… Joel… fuck….”

“C-can’t wait much longer either,” he says, uncharacteristically shaken, and he vibrates slightly with the effort of holding back, but you roll your hips onto his cock as he slides up your seam again, and then surprises you by pushing himself in, the head of his cock bursting into your entrance. You gasp at the intrusion initially, but sigh with relief at the feeling of him slowly, deliciously filling you up inch by inch, stretching you practically beyond your means until you’re completely full of him. You can’t help the warm feeling that spreads through you that this is what you were meant for, exactly where you’re supposed to be.

“Fuck,” Joel grits out, completely sheathed inside of you, feeling you squeeze him as you shift your hips to adjust to the fullness. “Just want to feel you for a second,” he says. “Missed this so much.”

Joel’s hands go back to gripping your hips tightly, not allowing any movement as he just feels you around his length, but you squirm in his grasp, making his cock push against your walls. You let out a whimpering sound at the feeling, and Joel bites the inside of his lip, barely able to contain himself between the small movements and sounds you’re making as you squirm and leak all over his cock, your arousal dripping down onto his jeans. You grip his shoulders for some leverage to begin moving as much as you can, and one of Joel’s hands frees your hip up to come grab your chin, pulling it tightly between his fingers as he forces you to look at him.

“Please…” you beg quietly, the throbbing, aching mess between your legs taking over any and all thoughts you have.

“You lookin’ for me to make you fuckin’ scream right here on this porch, are ya? Can’t wait until we’re inside?”

You shake your head with panting breaths from the exertion of trying to break out of Joel’s grasp to bounce your hips and feel him moving inside of you.

“Good,” Joel says, a devious smirk on his face, “‘Cause I can’t either.” With his words he pushes his hips up into you, affording him that tiny bit of extra space inside of you and you groan before he pulls his hips back, lifting yours at the same time before repeating the motion, slamming back into you hard and deep.

You cry out loudly, feeling him push against every part inside of you imaginable - have you always felt him this much, or is it just because you’d been deprived from the pure pleasure of Joel that it feels like so much more now?

You start returning his movements with equal vigor, your bodies ferociously coming together as the chair creaks underneath your bodies with the harsh movement.

“Gonna break this damn chair if we keep it up,” Joel says with a chuckle, lightening his movements only slightly.

“So what?” you manage to reply through stunted breaths as you slam yourself down onto Joel over and over.

“Need to fuck you properly anyways, darlin’, c’mere.” Joel’s hands cup underneath your thighs, urging you up off his lap as you help him lift you, wrapping your arms around his neck. You bury your face there, not wanting even a moment to go to waste as your lips find his neck again and suck hard. Joel yelps quietly as he moves you to the banister of his porch, perching you on the edge of it, and you grip even more tightly onto his back, feeling your balance completely off on the thin slab of wood underneath your ass.

“This is what you call proper?” You laugh, and Joel looks at you with a smirk before diving back in to kiss you, slowly grinding his hips into you now with nearly infuriating movements. You moan at the feel of every inch of him dragging out of you before pushing back in. You clench around him as your body shakes in his grip, unable to control the whimpering that escapes your lips.

“Y’seem to be enjoying it,” Joel retorts, and you’re too lost in the feeling of his cock to even conjure up a snarky response. “You want it faster though, don’t ya? I know how my angel likes to take my cock,” Joel rasps eagerly, and you groan as you nod your head, begging for more of him.

When he starts thrusting into you faster and harder, the banister rocks under the weight of it, but you can’t find it in you to care. Even if it all came crashing down and you two fell to the ground with it, you doubt either of you’d stop fucking the other with the way you’re both desperately panting now as Joel’s hips snap into yours repeatedly.

Your legs slide higher up Joel’s back, your ankles hooking together around him, trusting his arms completely to hold you up from falling off the porch railing. When your hips angle enough for Joel to get deeper, you moan as he presses against the spongy part inside of you that makes you absolutely crazy for him, and he smirks as he sees your eyes flutter with each new brush against the spot. You whine out his name, and Joel tucks in closer and kisses you in response.

“That good, baby?” he whispers gently, a stark contrast to the way he’s absolutely ravaging your body right now for anyone walking by to see. You’re grateful it’s late enough that it’s unlikely, but even then, you can't be bothered by the thought with the way Joel feels inside of you right now.

“So good,” you whimper in response, barely able to form words as your core ignites again, twisting in anticipation of another high. “You feel perfect.”

“That’s cause this pussy was made to take me, made to take this cock, baby, fuck…” Joel says, grunting as he thrusts into you. “Can feel you baby, you’re so close, give me another one, sweet girl,” Joel murmurs, pressing as flush to you as he can get. The sudden change gives some stimulation on your clit from the soft, dark curls above his cock, and combined with another brush against your g-spot, you’re losing a grip on reality so quickly you almost can’t keep up.

“Joel… Joel… harder,” you cry out, desperate for your climax to burst out of you, to claw its way out from the tingling pit now formed right where Joel’s cock is pressing deep inside of you. He obeys, thrusting into at an alarming rate, your legs helping his speed as you press them into him with every inward thrust, matching his rhythm.

You moan out long and low, the pleasure too much to take as the pressure builds to a point you nearly can’t take it anymore before you’re finally pushed over the edge by Joel biting into your neck. You hadn’t even noticed his head move down to do it, so lost in your own ecstasy, but the sensation of the pain with pleasure is enough to send you careening straight into your orgasm, practically screaming and sobbing with the intensity of it. Your slickness pours out onto Joel’s cock and he grunts and mumbles into your neck at the feeling before you feel the familiar sensation of you squirting, knowing the mess you’re making right now must be catastrophic between that and how hard you’d came.

Joel seems intent on adding onto it, at the tail end of your climax as your cunt squeezes his cock, he releases with a long, loud grunt, cursing under his breath as he fucks into your cunt a few more times and spills himself into you. Ropes of his cum coat your walls, the warmth filling you nearly sending you over the edge another time in the midst of your oversensitivity. You feel tears rolling down your cheeks from the comedown of such an intense moment with him, feeling so fulfilled and grateful to be his.

Joel sits for a long moment, his cock buried deep inside of you still, holding everything in that’s threatening to leak out around him. He pulls back from your shoulder and sees the few stray tears and smiles gently before kissing your cheeks, lapping them up in the process. When he does pull out, it’s then that you notice just how much of a depraved, wet, mess you two had made together. Joel can see and feel the mess between your legs and he tuts, half-impressed and half-teasing before helping you off the banister and onto your shaky legs.

“Fuckin’ messy girl for me, ain’t ya?“ Joel cocks an eyebrow at you.

You find yourself shying under his gaze, something that hasn’t happened for a long while now, and it feels refreshing in a way, almost like you two really are starting new. Joel wraps his arms around you after tucking himself back in, smoothing your dress down your backside for you.

“S’okay, just how I like you, my messy little thing,” he coos, pinching your cheek quickly, and you giggle, pressing yourself into his chest, just letting him hold you.

“You comin’ inside?” he asks, and you can hear the hesitation in his voice, like he truly believes you may not want to spend any more time with him, that you’ll regret what you two did any second.

“Thought you’d never ask,” you tease him, hoping to lighten his seemingly aching heart a bit and Joel smiles brightly in response.

“Good, ‘cause I’m nowhere near done with you yet,” he replies, meeting your lips for a long, deep kiss. Unbelievably, you feel a swirl of desire crop up in your belly at the sensation, his perfectly plump lips giving in to yours so delicately but so deeply, and you let out a little moan. Joel pulls away, chuckling. “Sounds like neither are you,” he adds on, looking at you expectantly.

“C’mon, let’s go cowboy,” you say, grabbing his hand to walk to the door together.

“Cowboy, huh? That’s new,” Joel comments with a questioning brow.

“Trying something out,” you tell him with a shrug, grinning, and Joel laughs as he unlocks his front door and leads you inside. The second the door shuts behind you, you find Joel on top of you again, his tall frame crowding over you and his hands on your hips, quickly roaming over your back, ass, shoulders, anywhere he can touch as he takes you in, holding you close to him. His head dips down to breathe in your scent again, getting completely lost in it. You shudder under the feeling of his breath near your ear, hot and needy right on the sensitive skin there.

“Sorry, sweetheart, jus’ can’t help myself right now. Fuckin’ missed bein’ able to hold you like this, touch you anytime I want,” Joel confesses, still not letting up the way his hands are moving, landing on your ass to knead the plush globes there.

“Missed it too,” you breathe out, not minding one bit the things he’s apologizing for, finding your body melting into his again.

“How many times you think I can make you come before I’m ready for ya again?” Joel asks next to your ear, one of his hands gliding to the front of your body and slipping under your dress, immediately going right between your legs. You’re still soaked, remnants of your time outside all over you, your pussy feeling fucked out but still managing to respond to his touch. He slides a finger onto your inner thigh, where his cum has been steadily starting to drip down, gathering it onto his fingers and dragging it upwards towards your cunt. He swipes it through your seam, gathering some of your own slickness and then stuffing all of it back inside of your ravaged hole, pushing his fingers as far as they’ll go.

“Fuck…” you whimper, arching your back. Joel’s frame pushes against you until your back is pressed into the door behind you, completely boxing you in with his body. His fingers start to work circles on your clit while the other hand comes up to palm your breast gently, rubbing it through the fabric.

“So fuckin’ pretty…” Joel murmurs, sliding a strap of your dress down your shoulder, hoping to reveal more of your skin to him. He seems to change his mind halfway through, pulling both of his hands off of you to grip at the bottom of your dress and pull upwards, lifting it off of you, leaving you standing naked before him. You tremble slightly at the feeling of being so exposed with him again, and the air conditioning of his house sending cool air dancing over your now goosebumped skin.

Joel takes you in, his eyes roaming over your body, temptation screaming in his blown out pupils. You writhe under his gaze slightly, desperate for him to return to touching you again, but he continues to take several long moments of looking at you before gently brushing a finger up your arm. You shiver more violently now, and Joel’s hand grazes inwards, finally landing at your nipple, pinching the taut bud and pulling hard on it. You cry out, back arching against the door as your knees begin to shake a little.

“God, baby, said you were pretty, but this is fuckin’ beautiful. Fuckin’ divine, lookin’ at you like this,” Joel says, shaking his head, entranced by watching his fingers pinch and roll your hard nipples.

“Joel… please,” you whine out, your thighs clamping together desperately, feeling wetness and heat pooling between your legs again.

“Tell me, sweetheart, what d’ya need…?”

“Touch my clit, Joel.”

“All you had to do was use your words.” He grins, obliging you by resuming the circles on your clit, more languidly this time as he keeps his other hand playing mercilessly with your pink buds. It’s no surprise when the familiar swelling of pleasure rapidly builds deep inside of you at Joel’s touch, your breathing labored as you shut your eyes and lean your head back on the door, moaning quietly.

“Eyes on me, baby, need ya to look at me when you come,” Joel says, voice soft and sweet, with his sudden grip on your chin to tilt your head back down anything but. His fingers grab tightly, greedily, at your delicate chin, holding your head in place as your eyes threaten to roll back at the way his fingers are working between your legs, tight, perfect circles being rubbed on your clit.

“Fuck, Joel, I-I’m coming,” you cry out, followed by several loud, staccato moans that drag out into long whimpers as you buck down onto his hand, body shaking and impossibly taut as you come. Stars invade your vision before it goes fully white, pleasure rocking what feels like every cell in your body. All you’re aware of for those few blissful moments are the way Joel’s fingers move, riding you through the climax, and how his name spills off your lips over and over, begging him for something you’re not even sure of yourself.

Throughout all of it, you try to keep your eyes locked on Joel’s, but can’t help it when your eyes squeeze shut in the high. When you finally peek them open, Joel looks at you with a satisfied sigh, his tight hold on your chin turning into a softer, gentler stroking leading up to your cheek. He brushes the hair away on your forehead that’s now stuck there with the small sheen of sweat you’d worked up and tucks it behind you ear, his lips turning up into a small smile.

He kisses you, his lips barely fluttering against yours in a soft meeting of your lips, one that isn’t meant to lead anywhere further. Just soft, loving presses over and over to your lips, and you’re finally coming out of your fucked our haze to be able to return them properly.

“Lemme take you to bed, hm?” Joel says, pressing his forehead to yours. You nod tiredly, the pleasurable post-orgasm haze taking over your brain.

“Only if you carry me.”

Joel crouches to press his hands underneath your ass, urging you up by the thighs, so you grip his shoulders and let him lift you, wrapping your legs around his thick middle and supporting yourself around his neck. Joel can hardly think straight, with the whole of your bare skin pressed against him, clinging on tightly like he’s the only thing that matters in the entire world right now. He can feel the heat of you through his clothing, wishing with a fuzzy head that there wasn’t anything between the two of you, that he could envelop you in his own heat, that they could mingle endlessly together. He could hardly wait to get you in his bedroom and make that exact desire of his come true.

When Joel sets you on the edge of his bed, he stands in front of you, unbuttoning his shirt slowly and intently, watching you to see your eyes lighting up as he works at the buttons. You stand up and grasp his hands gently, moving them to the side to take over, unbuttoning his shirt and kissing each new bit of skin that’s revealed on his chest. Joel finally shrugs the plaid shirt off and onto the floor, and you get to work on his jeans, pulling his belt off and through all of the loops in a slow, dragging movement. Joel chuckles a heady laugh at the way you’re so perfectly teasing him right now before you unzip his jeans and pull everything down, leaving him standing just as naked as you are.

“C-can I jus’ hold you like this?” Joel asks tentatively, despite his cock being at full attention once again from the way you’d undressed him. You can’t help but smile when Joel shows this more shy side of himself and you give him a nod, pulling away to crawl onto the bed and lay down. Neither of you have turned on any lights in the room, instead letting the moonlight spill in through the front window and illuminate enough that it casts a low, shimmering light through the room.

Joel slides in right next to you, wrapping his toned arms around you immediately, pulling you flush with his body and you wrap one leg over top of him, one hand placed flat on his chest, rubbing along the dusting of salt and pepper hair there. You both sigh contentedly at the feel of the other’s skin, so warm and soothing after spending all that time apart. The silence is comfortable, despite the both of you knowing there are mountains of things to discuss between the two of you.

Joel clears his throat, a hand rubbing up and down your forearm that rests along his torso. “Not one to ruin a perfect moment like this, but I gotta ask…” he starts, swallowing nervously. “Why’d you decide to come tonight? What… changed your mind?”

You blink a few times, biting the inside of your lip, trying to compile everything you’d been thinking recently for Joel.

“I just… did. I saw you realize that you’d made a mistake, and how much it hurt both of us. I was scared to trust you again, but you never left my side once you realized what you wanted. I’ve never stopped… wanting it, Joel. Wanting you.”

“I never did neither, darlin’. Swear it,” Joel says quietly, nuzzling his mouth onto the top of your head, breathing you in. “Thought I was savin’ you from me. Thought I couldn’t be worth it.”

“You’ve always been worth it, Joel. All the shit that happened, worrying about my parents, people judging us, job offers, any of it. I just want to be happy with you, I promise.”

“I see that now, honey, how fuckin’ selfish I actually was. ‘M so sorry,” he replies, a slight crack to his voice as he keeps it quiet.

“I know you are, you’ve shown me and said it so many times now. Thank you for not giving up,” you tell him sincerely, rubbing absentminded circles on his chest.

Joel huffs, shaking your head on his shoulder a bit. “Should be thankin’ you for that, darlin’, not the other way around. Y’should’ve given up on an old man like me.”

“Never, Joel,” you say. “Even if you are an old man.”

“Hey, now,” Joel scolds you lightly. “Only okay when I say it.”

You both break into a quick laughter, and you shift and tilt your head up, offering your lips to his, and he takes it, leaning his head slightly to meet your lips with his for a chaste kiss.

“Fine. You’re so youthful, don’t even look a day over twenty five, I swear,” you say, a smirk tugging at your lips.

“Okay, now you’re jus’ bein’ mean,” Joel says with a frown.

“Thirty?”

“Mmm, better.” Joel chuckles, and you pull yourself tighter to him, your warm heat nearing dangerously close to his cock. Your hand traces down his chest, fingers gently grazing the base of his length now.

“Missed this so much. Missed you,” you say quietly, wrapping your fingers around his shaft, feeling him stiffen, his cock hardening from semi-soft to throbbing in just a few moments of you toying with it.

“Y’have no idea…” Joel replies breathlessly, his hips jutting up into your hand slightly as it roams over his length.

“Wanna just feel you… please…” you whimper, feeling precum already gathering at his tip, swiping it onto your finger and into your mouth, sucking the slightly salty, tangy fluid completely clean before putting your hand back to his cock.

Joel groans out at the entire interaction, his eyes blazing with heat. “God, sweetheart, want to fuckin’ wreck your little pussy, but…” He winces in embarrassment. “My fuckin’ back… from what we did outside. Went a little too hard.” You try to stifle your smile, having just argued over him being an old man, but you reign it in.

“That’s okay, baby. I can ride you just as hard,” you say with quirked eyebrows. Joel chuckles but splays his palms in the air quickly, as if to say be my guest.

You shift your weight, straddling Joel and placing your already dripping pussy above his cock, notching him at your entrance. You lean down to kiss him and with the same motion, you press your hips down, letting his cock slide inside effortlessly. You’ve been perpetually wet just being in his presence, and from the way you’ve been warmed up over and over tonight, he’s completely sheathed in you before you even know it.

You groan at the fullness from this angle, and Joel does the same, his eyes fluttering slightly as he shifts underneath you. He winces slightly from his back hurting but relaxes his tensing body as you start to bounce your hips gently, testing the waters. Joel smiles up at you, his features melting into pleasure as you basically start jerking him off with your cunt, letting him lay back and enjoy the sensations.

Shit, you think suddenly. You should tell Joel about Dylan. You don’t know why it crosses your mind right in this perfect moment, when you’re both so incandescently happy to just be together, but the sudden guilt hits you right in the gut. You know you aren’t in the wrong, but you want to be honest with Joel, not have anything between the two of you if you’re going to start over like this.

You slow your movement, pressing your lips together, and Joel looks at you quizzically, noticing the change in your expression.

“This might be the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever done to say this right now, but I have to tell you something,” you blurt out, and Joel’s eyebrows draw together, his eyes slightly widening in concern.

He rubs your lower back, sensing your hesitation. “Go ahead, sweetheart,” he says softly.

“When… we…w-weren’t talking, I slept with someone. It was just once, it was not even… it wasn’t anything, but I did do it. When I was drunk. And it wasn’t even any g -” you ramble breathlessly, still moving yourself up and down on Joel’s cock. He tightly grasps your hips, pulling you down, hips flush with his, stopping your movements.

“Woah, woah, relax, relax, baby. Okay, it’s okay,” he says.

“It is?” you ask, wide eyed.

“Don’t exactly love it, y’know how I feel about you bein’ mine and only mine, but I can’t say I blame ya. Left you high and dry out there.”

“Right…” you say quietly, still incredulous that Joel isn’t completely freaking out right now from this news.

“Gonna fuckin’ kill whoever it is, but ‘sides that,” Joel chuckles genially, “Don’t feel bad, baby. Jus’ makes me wanna fuck you even fuckin’ harder, make you forget that even happened.” He lets a small growl slip from deep in his throat, clutching onto the plush skin of your hips and ass, his long fingers spreading along both areas and kneading.

You start to grind your hips a little again, lifting slightly up and back down, beginning a steady rhythm on him.

“Oh really? Think you could?” you ask low and teasingly. “Honestly, it wasn’t any good, if that helps.”

“No? Not any good, huh?” Joel grunts a little as he lifts his hips up into you, unable to help himself despite his back aching and screaming at him.

You shake your head, pursing your lips as you continue your slow pace on top of him. “Mm-mm. Didn’t even get me off…” You run a hand down Joel’s chest slowly. “Shame, really, that no other man could ever live up to you.”

“Fuck…” Joel curses under his breath. “Gonna give a man an ego, sayin’ things like that.” Joel pauses, just enjoying the way you’re gyrating on his cock for a few moments. His eyes snap open again and he looks at you with a furrowed brow. “Didn’t get you off at all?”

You shake your head slowly and deliberately as you ride him.

“Fuck, need to do good to you tonight, then, baby,” he says, his voice slightly strained from the emotions he’s feeling. It’s a mixture of desperation, sadness, and fucking anger at what happened. How anyone could get a chance to be with you, to taste and fuck that sweet pussy of yours and not even give you what you deserved, it made Joel feel the feral side of him clawing it’s way out. His hand reaches up, cupping the side of your face before sliding around to the back of your head and pushing your head down so that it’s close to his mouth, forehead practically resting on his shoulder. He holds your hair tightly in his grip, letting his lips brush against the skin of your ear.

“Whatever you need to do to me, I’m yours… I want you to fuckin’ come so hard you never come back down, that you can’t never think of another man again ‘sides me. Want your fuckin’ knees shakin’, cunt drippin’, fuckin’ soaked f’me, squeezin my cock so hard, so full you can’t even breathe…” Joel mutters out, sending your entire body shivering and convulsing with the combination of his words and the vibration of his deep rasp right next to your ear.

You spasm your hips down onto him, pussy clenching at his words and feeling his cock throbbing and pulsing inside of you. “F-fuck…” you whimper, nearly reaching your high from his words alone. You pull your head back slightly with Joel’s permission, his tight grasp on your hair lightening up, and smirk down at him.

“Y’sure you can do that, old man? With your bad back and everything?” Your lips press together so tightly to repress your laughter that you feel like you’re going to pop. You begin to ride him faster as you speak, feeling all of you bouncing, your tits dancing appealingly right in his face. Joel lifts his head, takes one into his mouth and sucks harder than he ever has, and you gasp loudly, unable to pull away. He lets it go with a small pop and looks up at you, darkness flashing in his eyes.

“Gonna fuckin’ wish you never said that,” Joel states before he sits up, groaning quickly with the effort and then deciding its well worth it, grasps your back and flips you around, slamming you down into the bed with him. His entire weight is on you, straddling you, the movement from flipping pushing his cock so deep that you squeal out in both pain and pleasure. He ruts into you hard now, lifting both of your legs to his shoulders, putting you in a tight, cramped position where they’re trapped between your body and his now.

All you can feel is Joel, Joel, Joel - his cock pressing against your spongy part inside again, his sweat intermingling with yours, his ragged breaths as he pounds into you with no mercy. You cry out, tears stinging your eyes from how fucking deep he is, you think he’s hitting your cervix at this point and it’s a sensation you haven’t experienced before, but it’s tearing you up from the inside out how good it feels. You can’t do anything but whimper as Joel asserts himself over you, trying to make the words he whispered in your ear become a reality.

He leans even closer, the angle completely devastating you as a few tears slip free from where they’ve been brimming in your eyes. “Tell me how good I am to you, hm? Wanna hear you praise this fuckin’ cock,” Joel says, his voice so smooth and controlled for how hard he’s ravaging your body right now.

“So good, Joel, fuck… your c-cock… you’re so good to me.”

“Again,” he commands, turning his head to bite down onto one of your legs that are framing near his face. You whimper loudly, barely able to even think of the words to say, let alone speak them.

“N-never want another c-cock. Can only take y-yours, so good to me, so f-fuckin’ big and full, Joel.” Your face scrunches up slightly, a few more tears rolling down your cheeks as Joel snaps his hips into your over and over, your insides coiling with heat and everything good when he hits the perfect spots inside of you.

“That’s right,” he groans desperately, clearly as affected by your praise as you are his. Nearly effortlessly for his back hurting him, he pulls out of your cunt, leaving it squeezing at nothing. He quickly looks down at your fluttering, fucked out cunt and spits quickly in-between your legs before he turns your body belly down on the bed, your legs shaking as you bring them down and nearly melt into the mattress. You’re shaking, your knees and thighs completely quaking just as Joel had wanted, and you’re thankful for the break. Joel’s hands grasp either of your ass and lift it slightly off the bed, angling himself behind you and slamming right back into your cunt. You nearly scream, the stretch of him all over again nearly too much with how heightened everything feels.

“‘M I still so good for you, baby?” he asks. You can only nod, and breathe out a quiet, raspy “yes”, your face turned off the mattress to try to look back at him.

“Ready to come, angel? I can feel you, so fuckin’ tight, practically beggin’ for it, ain’t ya?” Joel says, his voice less controlled now, and you can tell he’s just as close as you are. He slides a hand between your body and the mattress, leaning himself closer, changing the angle of himself inside of you and it’s perfect, holy shit it’s perfect.

His finger finds your clit in a second, flicking and rubbing circles frantically as your body writhes and bounces into his thrusts. You moan over and over, his name, expletives, anything you can think of to finally reach your high. The tension low in your belly snaps, and you go off the edge, screaming Joel’s name along the way as your legs shake underneath him and your cunt tightens impossibly taut around him, fluttering and spasming. Joel curses, pushing in as deep as possible while he comes along with you, his vision going white as he grunts your name and claims you with his hot ropes of cum spilling inside of you. He relishes in the feeling, the way you take all of him in a moment like this, moaning louder as soon as you feel that he’s coming along with you.

You continue to tremble, trying to come down from the way Joel has just turned your world upside down. You should have known - when Joel says something, he means it, and the way you’d just went higher than the god damned heavens just now proves it.

You let out soft, whimpering sounds as you lay there, body completely slack and feeling unable to even lift your head until you regain some composure.

“Shit…” Joel murmurs, concerned, his body wrapping around yours in a second. “Y’okay, baby? You hurt?”

“N-no,” you croak out, trying to give him some semblance of a head shake. “Just… j-ust…”

“So fucked out f’me,” Joel teases, wiggling his eyebrows a bit as he feels the situation lighten. If you had the energy, you’d punch him on the arm, but you just groan in agreement. Joel laughs, nuzzling his nose onto your shoulder. “Just how I fuckin’ like it, means I did you like you deserve, sweetheart.”

“You can say that again… I mean, fuck, Joel.” You giggle a little bit, finally feeling your senses coming back to you as you try to roll over.

“Say the same to you, so perfect f’me tonight, baby. Promise I’ll take it slow next time. Give you all the sweet stuff,” Joel laughs at his own words and you roll your eyes.

“You’d better, I’m gonna barely be able to walk for days, swear to God,” you scoff.

“Jus’ means I get to take care of ya. My poor baby can’t even walk,” Joel clicks his tongue, “Cock jus’ too big f’ya?” he teases, and you let out a disapproving noise, trying to squirm away from him in irritation, but he holds you even tighter. “Jus’ admit it, s’okay honey. Not everyone can take it.” Joel says tauntingly, shrugging nonchalantly to add on to the teasing torture he’s lashing on you.

“You know I can take it, Miller. Fuckin’ better than anyone,” you snip back, trying to turn away from him still, but Joel manages to scoop your body into his, spooning you now, crossing his arms tightly over your chest.

“Damn fuckin’ right,” Joel admits, giving up the charade. He kisses the back of your head, trailing them down to your neck. “My perfect girl.”

“Yours,” you echo back, snuggling your body into his and feeling so at peace you could nearly cry. This is where you were meant to be, right here in Joel’s arms. Always.

taglist: @paleidiot@mumma-moonchild@soph55@chicville03@joelsversion@feliciab1990@fellinfromthetop@gossipgirl-03@sarap-77@blueseastorm@akah565 @pattwtf @scarlettthefierce

#some of the things i wrote here i will not be held accountable for i swear #i missed these two so much i needed them to have a lil bit of depraved sex #or a lot #anyways #fic: closer #joel miller #joel miller smut #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x f!reader #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal x reader

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rise-my-angel · 1 year

Text

Gentle Vulnerability

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Length: 17.1k

Warnings: angst/hurt comfort, implied past non descript sexual assault, portrayal of non specific trauma/ptsd symptoms, smut, oral (m and f recieving), p in v, sex is consensual but there are small moments of non descriptive trauma anxiety, flashbacks

Notes: This is a bit of a personal chapter, since its very much taken inspiration from my own traumas and does explore non specific long term effects of sexual assault but nothing is ever shown or described and the only smut is consenting and with Joel. This is a continuation of Trembling Havoc from my Confused Warmth series. But can also be read as a standalone.

It was possible being as quiet as you were wasn’t always a positive. Commonly, you would slink in and out of somewhere without being spotted and typically it was a skill used mostly in protection. You spent much time by yourself and the dangers around you rested easy thinking you were never there. It certainly helped when you needed to get into a building where your presence could inevitably lead to a confrontation. Move very little and say even less, that’s how you navigate a strategy of stealth.

That focus on staying quiet did though, sometimes take away your awareness of other approaching sounds. As you crouched down, one hand raised above steadying you on the hard surface, you had been so silent that you completely missed the sounds of steps and creaking floorboards until the figure was looming over the counter.

Your head snapped up, lucky that your hand only got as far as a tiny jilt before it registered the figure above you was just one mischievously smirking Ellie. Your eyes spoke disapproving but the rest of your face played a different tune. “You making it a habit? Sneaking up on people out here? Thought you were keeping watch for infected.”

Hand relaxing, you continued to rifle through the mostly useless array of junk on the lower shelves in front of you. “I thought you said that was your job.” This time your face fell much more flat as you glanced back to to her briefly.

The three of you had been into another building already, but it was picked over fairly decently of anything of use. Both times you had silently snuck in first to lure any out that may be hiding in the corners, though the first time Ellie clearly hadn’t expected you to kick over a large metal trashcan far onto the floor to do so. If the loud clang of metal didn’t grab anythings attention, then Ellie’s voice certainly would. “That’s your big secret? Just knocking things over?”

You had just smirked as you flashed your light around the main area. “I said it worked, not that it was clever.”

“So what do you do if you knock it over and there actually infected?”

Joel answered that one for you, “You get out of there and move on.” You just tilted your head in agreement, as both you and Joel quickly came to the conclusion of nothing being there as they spoke behind you. “Avoiding them’s better then risking a fight.”

The one you’re in now fared a tad better. Most surrounding towns were void of people typically in fear of infected, but that also meant they were less likely to be spread around all over. As long as you keep to the empty streets and quiet buildings, most of them were fine you found. The longer they went without people, the more likely they were to gather in groups and lay in waiting. Especially in cold like this.

Now you were crouched down looking at something Ellie had hidden from you. “Not much left with pharmacy stuff, I assume?” Your voice muttered as you glanced over the counter to see where Joel was looking. He himself was knelt down with his bag, clearly having more luck.

Ellie waggled her eyebrows to herself like debating her antics before drawling out her tone. “Well, there was one thing.” Tossing it finally at you, whatever was inside knocked around against the packaging. A flip of the box in your hands it took you a moment to register what you were looking at.

Only to deflate completely both at what you were looking at and her laughter. A very dust covered thin box painted in a light pastel that had faded over time. The words and image though bright enough to highlight that you were holding a pregnancy test kit.

Your face unamused to her opposite, you raised an eyebrow. Shrugging in an exaggerated manner she leaned back, now her hands holding onto the counters edge. “Just seems like something that might come in handy, you know always expect the unexpec-”

Interrupting her own voice with a mild yelp as you tossed it back, bonking it off of her unsuspecting forehead. Never one to give up before the joke is done though, Ellie held her hands up in the air one with the box purposely facing you. “I thought we were always supposed to be prepared?”

Your hand on your waist you narrowed your eyes, mouthing a clear “Put it back” before watching her retreat. Glancing over at Joel, he looked from his own amused gaze at Ellie and bounced to you in question. Only getting a head shake and a slight smirking eye roll as his response.

Both of them ended up meeting you around the middle, Ellie in the middle of putting her gloves back on. “Come on, it’s boring out there. Gotta make your own fun.”

Joel playfully nudged her towards the door, as you took up the rear. You all could have been back at this point, but he had suggested the detour just to see if there was anything bringing back. Part of you agreed with him, but also had you wondering if just perhaps he wanted to spend time just the three of you before rejoining the crowds of the community you now called home.

Was it for him, or for you? This sensation of closeness was new to all three of you, but it also dug at you and Joel in different ways. He had more time to get used to this, and a surrounding of people that helped him adjust faster. You, not so much.

Someone, whom instead of slowly heating to a boil, blazed out of control in a wildfire that yanked you into the arms of support.. Going back to Jackson meant being able to live that new support unobstructed.

Your hands trying to dig into your palms, but softened by the cushioning gloves around your nails leaving you only with one other cope. Free falling into the unknown. Your eyes glanced up to Joel’s tall figure from where you walked behind him, and Ellie’s lively smaller one. Their voices mumbling, but accustomed to the other.

There wasn’t anything pulling you away from finding a life with them now. Bonded for life as if some other worldly force brought your traumas together to heal. The secrets were out, the ones that mattered at least and now all was left was for them to know you as you are.

Strangely enough, it felt just as daunting as those first few days.

You had been given a few nice options, cozy houses close to everyone else with lots of room. The first one you paced around the echoing rooms being reassured the kind of amenities these places had set up. The only comment you made being, “Lot of space for just me.”

The second one didn’t even get the chance to be peeked into. Sounds of laughter and loud chatter wized by, your attention turned to watch the main street crowded with people and little quiet that had something inside make your heart beat a little more noticeable.

It was Maria who suggested the one you ended up in. You didn’t really notice at the time, but it was clear she had been spending some time trying to figure you out, and the hour or so you’d been there had said at least something trustworthy. Tommy initially protesting, mostly because the house was small and needed size able work to make it halfway decent, but it was away from the street and one or two house lengths from the nearest neighbour. “If it has plumbing and a front door then it’s perfect.”

You didn’t venture out the rest of that first day. They seemed decent people here but there were too many of them, at least for now. It was early morning when you ventured outside. The sky still clouded in grey with more threats of rain, and the air still cool enough to chill your lungs, but it gave you time to map out where everything was.

Many seemed apprehensive about you, but looking back on it it wasn’t like you were all that approachable. A quiet, skittish demeanour that hardly spoke a word and looked unsure to the point of distrust at your surroundings. Not exactly like the open and welcoming community here. Quiet and on edge with enough lack of sleep, you could see it. It wasn’t until you had been walking into what appeared to be a dining hall did someone broach the conversation barrier.

Your elbows had been leaning against a high counter. Back close to the wall, looking at a scene that felt nothing like the only kind you’d known for twenty years. Was this a safe life they had always been used to, or were you just particularly bad at adapting to it? There was very little of interest in your house yet save for what you brought. But you had no clue what the etiquette was around food in this place and you were still way too exhausted to even consider going outside to fend for yourself.

Now that you here in here though, the idea of asking made your heart race just a little too much.

A voice spoke up at that moment, your eyes squinting at the room too distracted to notice anyone noticed you. “You know people usually come here to eat, right?” Turning your head from side to side until a shorter figure sat at a table on her own. A kid, maybe around thirteen if you had to guess, with sharp watchful eyes and a playful glint behind it. “Just ask, they’re not going to make you wait until you starve to give you anything. As far as I know.”

It was possible you just had been alone for too long, but there was a smartass behind the girl’s goofy little smile and it almost pulled a smirk out.. Your head nodded at the empty space in front of her with an eyebrow raised. Her own tilting in more amusement, “I’m waiting for someone.” You didn’t question it but she backtracked as if trying to recondition herself. “It’s good manners to wait until everyone’s at the table with their food before you start eating.”

A real smirk fell over your mouth, that was definitely something she either rehearsed or spent far too many occasions being told it. “How do you know I’m not doing the same?”

“Because you just got here and don’t know anyone.” You raised an eyebrow once more as her expression fell flat of it’s clever one up. “I live across the street from Maria, she mentioned you were new. Something about getting a few things since you didn’t arrive with much.”

Nodding was your only response. Growing slightly uncomfortable knowing she was waiting for someone or someones, you didn’t think you wanted to stick around and get roped into meeting more new people. But something about her blunt curiosity was endearing. So you shrugged, letting an exhale out watching for approaching people foolishly as if an ambush was immanent. “Travel by yourself long enough, you figure out how to get on just fine on the bare minimum.”

Unlike the apprehensive interest from the couple yesterday at how long you’d been by yourself, the kid’s head nodded with eyes of understanding you could recognize. “I get it, first time I was here we spent like three months in the woods in the middle of winter. Felt like a space alien seeing how much shit they have.”

Someone not you would have asked where she was from, who she was with but your face just scrunched in an understanding before pushing up so your palms rested on the wood. Your nails tapped at it, their far too long length making satisfying pings against it. Mouth opening and closing to ask her name but letting it go, at least she didn’t share the same silence. “I’m Ellie.”

Turning your neck to look at her, you still found no curious judgment everyone else had. So you gave her yours back, a normal smile washing over. “You want to sit down? Food in here’s really fucking good.”

Head dropped again, pushing off as you tried to look apologetic through your uncomfortable insides growing. “No, it’s okay. You’re waiting on someone.”

Ellie tried protesting, “No it’s fine, he won’t care.” Pausing for a moment before an amused half smile returned, “Or, well maybe he will but it’s not personal he’s like that with everyone.”

Forcing a polite smile, you knelt down to pull your back over a shoulder. “Thanks, but I uh,” glancing back at the room, “I just don’t really do crowds.”

Before you could turn away she fully she called your name, “Am I going to see you around?”

At the time you didn’t really get why Ellie liked you from the start, but you just nodded. Watching her long enough to return it, satisfied with your answer before you walked out completely. The growing noise of talking rung in your ears as the openness of the street called to settle your nerves.

Completely missing that you almost walked into someone in your need to get out, and definitely not realizing the curious glance they gave you. It wasn’t right away, but Joel sure found out soon enough that Ellie discovered a whole new thing to bombard him about. Not expecting it to be the new person he accidentally barged in on. Frown on his face as he recalled that you looked at him as if flinching back from a fight. A look that sat oddly in his stomach even moreso at your hasty retreat of the building.

To be transparent, you’re still not quite sure now why she took a liking to you. By the time you all had gotten back, you felt that strangeness once again. Reaching the main part of town, you quietly mumbled something about unloading some of your stuff as you spotted Tommy up ahead.

Joel though, reached out and turned you back to him by your waist. His eyes narrowing in concern towards you. “Hey, we’re not asking for privacy, you know that?”

Shaking your head you pointlessly adjusted the straps on your bag, trying not to look directly at him to avoid how easily he knew when you were lying. “No, no it’s-” Your eyes glanced over to the others and swallowed harshly. “Just got a lot of stuff that's not mine, might as well off load it.”

His deep brown eyes looked you up and down, determining something which landed him a conclusion with too many variables to be certain. “Alright.” The hand on your waist traced down the side of your face lightly, “If we’re not home by the time you get back-”

Lips tight together along with your jaw tightening in a clench, “Just head over, got it. Take your time.”

The gravel crunched under your feet as you made your way to up one of the main buildings. The town was overwhelming when you first arrived, and you had to get used to being allowed to have some life here. Then everything fell apart one by one, but now the circle has completed it’s round. You’re right back to where you started only people to go home to and less chances to wonder when you’d finally leave this place.

A few people gave their greetings as you passed them by, the only thing they knew was the three of you were gone for a few days not that so much of your world shook you by your feet. Stripping your soul bare for Joel to see.

Swerving through the gatherings, you ignored the eyes that followed you, or perhaps didn’t even see them. Shutting the door behind you, you dropped your bag with a thud and just as hard dropped your arms to cross on the table pressed up against the wall. Head dropped in there, your legs bent you let the muffled voices lull into your ears, once again getting used to so much.

Realistically everyone had gone through something, events that tore their lives and loved ones away and filled your blood with the anxiety of never seeing them again. And no one found it easy, everyone bled that pain and yet you felt selfish for resenting people here who have their lives build back together.

You weren’t special, and you felt pathetic for wishing others emotions to revolve around compensating your own turmoils. Sighing deeply you finally dragged your head back up, transferring your bag onto the table. Laying out the guns and ammo you had come into possession of, and your shedding the ones not of your own.

Taking your time, you unloaded and cleaned out everything methodically before scratching the details down on the lined paper laying about. Whoever had been in here last didn’t even put much care into keeping it all together clearly. It usually wasn’t in such a state, at least when you were doing inventory it wasn’t.

Heat rising in your chest, you paused to unzip your jacket. Pulling out the ammo kept in one of the pockets before tossing the article onto the empty stool across the small space. You must have been in there longer then you noticed, when the door opened the sounds that pooled in were quieter then when you walked in.

Hands hovered mid air, you felt annoyed that you just lost count. Peeking over you were surprised to see who it was. “You’ve been in here forever, thought I’d check and see if you’re alive.”

Alex was a tall man, probably a little younger then Tommy with a shiny smile and a bit too full of a bravado for your patience. You weren’t even sure the last time you spoke to him, or even wanted too honestly. There’s only been about four people that have heard more then a few words from you in weeks and he was certainly not one of them.

Looking at him, you tilted your head in an aloof manner. Unsure what to respond to his comment but no doubt he found a way to fill the silence. “Barley seen you the past few days,” Not technically a lie but also not even true considering you’ve been out of the town for days. “The lot of us, just wondering who’s been keeping you away- or busy, you know?”

There was no question who he meant, but clearly not on the same level for why he was referring too them, and you did not want to hear it. Not bothering to look at him, one of your fingertips tapped against the wood as you counted what was left in the box albeit with a bit more tensing strain in it’s knuckle that matched with the clench in your jaw. “I keep myself busy just fine.”

Your tone flat and restrained, not a hint at all to him though. Alex had thick luscious hair he no doubt spend too much time on, too many chemicals on top of it likely made it harder for any real facts get into his brain. A few women you’ve worked around with commented on how handsome it made him look, but lord did you not follow what they were talking about.

“No, no, yeah. I just mean you moved like what? Last week? And suddenly you’re hardly around?” If your hands tensed even more the bones would snap. “So that’s just how it works now? He tells you to move in with him and you just follow orders.”

The lifetime of anxiety you had been through felt odd in comparison as you just stood there and felt far to uncomfortable to tell this man to shut up. This was not the time you could handle Alex’s newfound issues with Joel. “It’s not like that.”

Wow, you tell him. By now you’ve recounted five times and still couldn’t even guess how much ammo you have and the frustration was rising in your throat. Your name coming from his mouth sounded nowhere near as warm and soothing as it did from Joel’s, feeling almost pathetic for wishing he was here when you had been away for what? An hour or two?

Or was it just Alex’s condescension that had you yearning for Joel’s intimate quiet. “Problem is babe, it is just that.” Since when did he think you wanted to be called something like that by him of all people? It pinged in your chest like a drop of water freezing each spot it drips onto. “You were finally starting to open up, and then what? Miller comes along and suddenly you’re never around, and fuck if you told me you moved in with him? Pretty awkward trying to stop by your house only to walk in and it’s empty.”

Your lungs tightened as your eyes narrowed. Head turning enough to look at him with something much like a glare. “You just walked into my house?”

Alex just looked at you like you were an idiot, shrugging his shoulders. “Sorry for wanting to know where you were, besides not like it’s your anymore right?”

Your palms slid to rest on the table edges, looking down while you breathed through your nose to settle the ice within you. It didn’t matter if you didn’t live there, Alex didn’t know that and he wasn’t just allowed to walk in. Only two people did and they both knew you were okay with it. Why was Alex acting like this? This only started when people begun putting two and two together regarding Joel but you had no idea why.

Giving up, you slid your eyes shut to take a deep breathe. Letting the flow, swim through to your heart as it forced it’s pace to simmer. You could hear him ask if you were even listening, but you refused to open your eyes until your heart moved back in proper place.

Your limbs lost some tension giving you the strength enough to scribble down the rest of the details and leaned up on your toes to pin it on the wall. Head down and voice low, you wanted to just leave so you kept calm. “I have things to do, Alex. We’ll talk about this later.”

Talk about what, was not part of the planning process. He did however, sigh and flop his back against one of the uncluttered walls and crossed his arms across his chest. “As you wish.” Letting the room be quiet as you finished storing the unloaded weapons and doing your bag back up.

Turning to reach for your jacket, you found him holding it out for you with one hand and a very flat fallen expression. Gently taking it you mumbled, “Thank you.” Before electing to drape it over your bag carried shoulder.

You made it a few steps into the main hall before he muttered angrily under his breath. “God forbid he catches you alone with another man, right?” Your boots squeaked as you pivoted in place, incredulity plastered all over you. But he just raised his hands and shook his head refusing to look at you. “Woah sorry, forgot he doesn’t like having of humour either. It was a joke.”

No idea where that came from, you just swallowed something heavy and unpleasant feeling in your throat before turning abruptly. Not even bothering to put your jacket on before making your way into the freezing wind.

Already too far away, you missed the uncomfortable stare down occurring between Alex and Maria, who by sheer accident had heard most of the latter half of the man’s immaturity. Ever the clever woman, gears already turned in her head that she knew weren’t clicking in yours.

Walking back to Joel’s house, you couldn’t push away something that didn’t go down when you tried shoving. A strange feeling in your limbs and chest like they were tingling, a warning of tensity that spiked your subconscious. A sensation following you all the way up the steps. It didn’t quite all get caught behind the front door as you shut it though.

No, whatever this pricking in your limbs danced within your chest as well, just dulled by the immediate sight of Ellie who had clearly not made it to her own bed. A bowl of something on the coffee table and her body flailed out in exhaustion.

Quiet as you could, you sat your bag down in the main entrance before tip toeing over. Her own bag sat on the floor in front of her, your eye also caught to a blanket on the opposite end to her feet. Finally, a soft smile made it’s way over you. Very slowly pulling the material over to rest over her shoulder. With a shake of your head you grabbed her bag and made your way to her room, quietly putting it in sight on the bed she clearly thought she wasn’t tired enough to need.

Joel’s door sat ajar, but little noise came from it. You wondered if too he fell victim to the same sleepy fate. Your fingers tapped at the wall, debating to go in. Something about Alex’s conversation bothered you, but you weren’t entirely sure why or what part of it did.

Pushing it open slightly, the light at his bedside was on, and some of his clothes were still sat out like he just peeled them off. Glancing back at the main washroom the door was shut but no water was on. He probably just finished.

Waves of similar tiredness washed over you finally now that the familiarity of this place settled. A few tilts to stretch your neck slid into a deep sigh. Opening one of the top dresser drawers to pull out a new pair of socks, you managed to get as far as closing it before sliding onto the ground seemed like the more feasible spot. Starting to undo your laces with your back pressed against the drawer handles you could hear shuffling from Joel behind the door, causing a deeper sigh.

The exhale there giving more and more weight to your shoulder, you peeled the first shoe off and tossed it towards Joel’s and dragged the wet sock down. Soles of your heels cracked in some spots and calloused in others, your head banged against the wood for just a moment.

Joel found you in the middle of all this, towel sat at his waist with water still peeking through the thick volume of hair now mostly slicked back. His brown eyes soft as they gazed towards you, while yours looked similar but also tinged in something further away. A growing look Joel still was figuring out how to address.

Finally replacing your feet covering with thick, warm socks you let your legs spread flat onto the floor your head once again resting on the drawers behind you. “Bed too comfortable for you?”

Head dropping back as you chuckled slightly, words didn’t come as easily. Watching Joel step inside enough to properly close the door, you couldn’t help but look back up at him. Your heart beat a little faster, but in two fashions. One you had become accustomed too. Broad chest wide and expansive giving way to a softer stomach with various scars scattered about. Most of which you knew of.

The more comprehensible of sides wondered if you could lay Joel out on his back across the sheets and recite each part of him as if knowing him skin deep extended to his heart, imagining his large hands resting at the sides of your thighs. Squeezing tighter handfuls when you lightly trace over more sensitive spots. But that wasn’t the only speed.

That yearning to prove you were in his heart fought against a dark tightening in yours. As if for a split second, looking at Joel nearly bare standing above you, sparked a flicker of fear. It felt familiar in a way, but not identifiable and certainly inexplicable with him.

If he detected that millisecond of emotion, he chose to ignore it as you spoke. Voice almost cracked from how weak your throat wanted to put effort into. “I got as far as the drawer, then gave up. Forgot how much work hiking through all that snow is.”

Finding a spot between the open spread of your legs, he looked down with a genuine curiosity one hand outstretching to you. “I get it, me and Ellie spent pretty much all last winter out in the goddamn woods. Where’d you usually go during winter?”

Eyebrows raising you nodded towards the towel, “Bit of a long towel for putting on a show don’t you think?” His face fell flat and you breathed out a small laugh at how quickly he almost dropped his hand.

Pulling you up with one and the other finding a steadying place on your hip he dropped his chin, eyes closing for a moment. “Don’t tempt me, I’m too tired to make it worth your while. Gettin-”

Nudging his stomach with a few fingers, he smirked at your own eye rolling one. “If you say if it’s because your getting old everyone in this house must be ancient.” You started to pull away, turning enough to pull your flannel off. “Besides you’ve more then proved appetite's not an issue.”

Joel knew you purposely nodded towards his lower half with that look. Either teasing how getting him worked up was the opposite of the truth or his stomach that both of you full well knew you’d never actually even want to tease. Wasn’t a good day in that house unless someone made fun of someone else for a numerous of dumb reasons.

Your back turned now from him, you got as far as the closet before you felt fingers grasping at your shirt and tugging you back into Joel’s chest. Both of his hands resting at your waist. Voice low in your ear rumbling through your head. “I asked you a question.”

For briefest of seconds you almost slipped up with a laugh, but it failed on your tongue. A shiver not from the cold tingling down the length of your spine. The second time in one day something wormed it’s way into your head that you were too tired to enough to identify. The spots Joels hands met your own body suddenly so much more present in your alertness.

He smoothed one of them out to his palm, sliding down to your hip as he crowded you, his height looming over you enough rest part of his head trying to peek down to the front of yours. “I didn’t mean to-”

Shaking no, you at least sounded softer unlike the uncomfortable feeling inside. “No, you’re fine. I just...” Why were you considering lying? Joel knows when you’re not telling him the truth, why would you risk a lie? “Last few just you know, cold and quiet. Being on my own, and all.”

His palm running up and down your hip, chest humming into your back with your name. “I know you said you don’t want to talk about earlier, but” your heart leaped and apparently so did your body because Joel was tugging you back into his chest before you realized you even had strayed. “But something else is bothering you, more then when we just got back.”

Trapped behind an underlying anxiety that had never occurred to you until just now. Was it the conversation itself, or were you trying to pretend as if far off in the woods did his voice repeat just one thing? Being alone with men wasn’t an issue of any kind between you and Joel, so why on earth did Alex make you feel guilty for it?

Being quiet for too long, Joel pressed his lips to the side of your head. One high, one lower, and one just below your ear. “Okay. How about we lay down for a while first?” Pulling back his cheek pressed to the side of your head, staring at the same nothing you did. “Beacuse I know for a fact you haven’t slept in days.”

Luck gracing you, Joel’s calmness and warmth pushed down the growing cold inside you. He wasn’t one for pushing people to open up about what was wrong, and certainly not with you. No, you and him had a little too much in common like that for Joel to force things before they were ready.

He hummed more in the tune of satisfied when you nodded. Exhale deflating your shoulders instead of your mind focusing on how Joel was holding you, now it just wanted his touch back in general. The fog of what was wrong pushed away, already having forgetting the fleeting second of fear entirely.

You should have known you were right. His appetite for you wasn’t at all diminished with time. The lack of any kind of underwear when he put on a pair of sweatpants was a clear indicator the man was either consciously or subconsciously thinking of easy access.

The fact that he handed you a pair, that just so happened to also be his, should have given it away as well. Getting old, your ass. Crawling under the covers you immediately shoved your face into the softness of the pillow, something halfway between a sigh and a moan muffling into the material at something under your head that wasn’t the ground.

Bed dipping on the other side, you turned partially to look at him. Feeling stupid for ever considering he meant anything more duplicitous then the kindness emminating off his face. Hair still slightly wet and the right angle of light from the window made the greys stand out. Arm lazily reaching out to run your hand slightly through it.

Smiling at the groan that left his mouth as soon as your nails scratched into is scalp, Joel yanked your arm away with a frown before just hauling you into his chest. Cradling your back once more he had you both turned to keep out of the direct sunshine from your faces.

Your free arm tucked into you while the other found it’s hold on Joel’s wrist, as his now kept you against him by your hip. For a few minutes, there was content silence in the house, not even the hustle outside crept it’s way inside. You didn’t notice when your eyes slid shut, or even register if you had been awake this whole time or if you dozed off for a few minutes.

The feeling of Joel dragging his nose down your hair until finding your neck to place another kiss at had you fidget in his hold. “Did everything go alright?” He was quiet for a second trying to let his brain catch up only to pull back when you tried turning to see him did he just keep you closer then before as you started to clarify. “You know, with-”

He hummed while his head moved against the back of yours. “Went fine. I think Maria has a few more questions but guess she figured she’d let us rest first.” It could be comical how Joel lifted his head off the pillow to see your face clearly before the guilt set in. “Hey, this ain’t-”

“I know, I know. Just...” You trailed off, almost awkwardly.

Joel gently pulled some of your hair from being too much in your face, “What?”

Flickering up to see him, you decided to burrow further into the pillow. Dark eyes too deep and intense to look into sometimes. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder what she thinks of me. Bringing in some pretty big problems when all I wanted was a bed.”

His mouth still close to your skin you felt the smirk forming. “Yeah don’t worry I think I have you beat on giving her the wrong impression.” Both of you chuckled as your free hand went to seek out his wrist once more, wanting something of him to hold onto.

Sparks pinching into your skin where Joel’s fingers danced up and down, peeking under your shirt and stopping just at your waistline before starting the track over. “Tommy made some mention about that I think. Something about painting you like an asshole, getting Maria on her high horse about you.”

Pausing you leaned your head back, feeling his neck lifted up to see you better still. His other arm had propped his head up by the elbow as you spoke. “Okay he didn’t say that to me. I said that to her.”

Rumbled laughter bounced from your ear and down into your chest as he let out a louder laugh before it tapered off to something further back in memory. “It’s better now. Tommy may have said some things, but I also wasn’t exactly in the best place when we first got here. Probably didn’t make things any better.”

More time passed you couldn’t be sure if you dozed through. Neither you or Joel had moved but you could feel his chest rise and fall with each passing breathe and the softness of his stomach press perfectly against your lower back. You suspected he may be awake, the dancing of his fingertips traced along your waistline without straying far.

Your heart spoke two languages once more. One you knew and understood, a gentle yearning for Joel to be as close as possible even if that meant part of him being inside you in whichever way you could get. The other though? The speeding of your heart that felt like a warning aimed and ready to sound, that one confused you.

His touch warm as they tucked themselves under the soft clothing but didn’t slide too far. Just tracing your hips as much as a he could before very slowly inching further along the skin. Not quite ready to translate, you turned partially to give his hand more space to explore what he wished. The soothing gesture of his palm flattening to run across your skin.

Neither of you spoke, almost unwilling to break the serene peace that so commonly avoided coming near you. Your hitched breathe and Joel’s controlled but deep ones behind hitting part of your neck where he brushed a space clear for himself.

The roughness of his own hand contrasted the softness underneath, much like Joel himself. Too often the looks he gave to people held little behind them that mattered. So few in his life meant anything truly important and yet he let you inside of that. Opened his heart and let you tenderly care for the emotions within that ran miles beyond anger or danger. It was an intimacy you didn’t really understand, but now you sort of do if only for Joel. Harsh, but trusting that roughness wasn’t his only side.

So close to his touch, skipping past your ass Joel cupped the plush skin right below one of your cheeks and a deeper inhale proceeded a shaky exhale right over your neck. Finding the inside of your thighs, right before reaching between your legs you felt it.

The air from his lungs wasn’t the shaking cold in your neck, because the blanket over top you both and his hands ran warm. Yet you felt your legs do the same. Joel’s movements pausing, gripping your inner thigh more firmly and shifted behind you.

You didn’t want to lie to him, you don’t know why you couldn’t stop thinking about that. But you also didn’t want to break this peace. So you let the shiver finally free fall down your back and snugged back into him more. Hoping to feign the cold.

He didn’t say he bought it, but your muscles relaxed in his touch regardless. So the one he danced over your inner thighs leaped. Two fingers moving up and down the middle of your underwear every so lightly up to your clit where he pressed down just the tiniest bit more. Releasing the pressure and back down. Once, twice, five times before he let his hand cup your whole mound.

The feeling of this thumb smoothing up and down the space just before your underwear begun harmonized with his whole hand rubbing ever so slightly. The heel of his palm not teasing rough on your clit like he had done before, instead teasing your covered pussy.

A shaky sigh leaving your lips, Joel uses his leverage to pull your hips into his pushing forward. His cock thick against your ass as he grinds into you just the slightest. Almost instinctively you found yourself leaning back into it, sparks inside you alighting at how quickly you could feel him grow harder and harder. Your arm reached back to seek him out, Joel using his own free one to grab it, bring them up to his lips.

His kiss was small and delicate at the same instance he ground his cock into you. Draping your arm behind so you could grasp at his hair, your nails scratched up and down the strands. Quiet hums of need held back in his throat, he turned to lay you on your back. His top half leaning over you, with his hand still rubbing you over your underwear.

Both of your arms shifted to hold the side of his neck and face, your thumb rubbing over the coarse facial hair. The worrying ping in your heart felt funny now that you looked at him. His eyes soulful as they drop down to your lips and shamelessly look between them and up once more, but they also held need. Like the tightness of his hands on you, Joel’s face wasn’t soft and adoring it was crestfallen and almost emotional.

He needed something he wasn’t voicing. Your gaze flickered between his own parted lips and his eyes before slipping shut. Both moving towards the other at the same time Joel’s kiss was rougher then expected.

Lips demanding you follow his, let him guide you deeper into his kiss and tease your tongue desperate to pull the gasping whine you always tried to hide. But he wanted those sounds to echo in his own and the exhaustion would have to wait.

Nails back in his hair, Joel’s kiss was as needy and sloppy as his hand was desperate to slide under the fabric of your underwear. The warmth of his hand nothing compared to the heat between your legs, but not close to where he felt most comfortable with you.

His tongue draped across yours with each new press of his lips, and two thick fingers of his pressed into your clit making small rubs. His touch both devouring and exposing, you had two thoughts. That you didn’t know why you were having such pockets of uncomfortability, and that you knew Joel wouldn’t just ask to be taken care of.

So if you didn’t want to be honest of what you did not understand, you would do what he deserved to have. One of your legs bent by the knee putting the foot flat on the bed as you pushed him away from your mouth. The kiss sloppy enough that both of your lips had a sheen of saliva coating them. Gently you guided Joel to lay flat on his back and assumed his position.

Leaning over him and capturing a much less deep kiss as your hand smoothed and nails lightly scratched down his chest and back. Nails carving up, palm smoothing down lower with each iteration of the route.

Moving one of your legs up and over to settle on the other side of his hips, you shushed his eyes ready to question. Shaking your head and kissing him once more. A smile across your face, small but soft at how affected he was.

On display, Joel felt no fear showing you what was stripped away. Both a burning rough need to have you,, make sure you both are here and to stay, but also exhaustion. Days out in the winter and more scares then any of you three ever wanted. His brain begged for sleep, but your hips just barley sat on his covered cock and your hand on his fast beating heart that needed something else.

Kissing down the length of his body, you stopped at each mark. Just a soft kiss, could even be called a peck but each one was covered start to finish before you slinked down to his sweatpants. Your palms smoothing up and down his thighs, his chest was far more tense then when you had been up there. A clench in his jaw as you bent down to kiss at his soft waistline.

Tugging his pants down slowly you kissed along with the exposed skin until getting to his cock. Joel’s hands fisting the sheets beside him, you gently pulled him out and did nothing to help the growing tension at your touch.

Moving to kiss the tip of his cock, you slide them down his thick length, your tongue licking him just as wet as his own kiss was to your mouth. You could hear his breathing grow harsher, but still tried keeping his hands to himself.

By the time you were ready to take him, you had coated his entire length. Your hand coming up to gently grip the base of his cock, much more gentle then you knew he would take himself. Slowly stroking up and down the saliva made a slick sound with each move, but it was when you licked his tip and barley let him into your mouth before moving back gently did Joel get fed up.

One of his hands grabbing the back of your hair and tugging to make you look up. Slightly sat up, his face as clenched and tense. Nostrils flared as he breathed heavily, and was the one to break the serene silence. His voice rough, almost a rasp like holding back had cracked his vocal cords. “Don’t tease me, sweet girl. Let me slide down your pretty throat, okay?”

His hand in your hair was tight, but it clenched at your heart too. The pinging in your chest nowhere to be seen, you nodded eyes wide and ready to listen. Joel’s darker ones blazed with something much more then greed. Readjusting so most of your hair was out of your face, you let Joel be the one to guide you back down onto his cock.

He didn’t let you tease him further. As soon as you had his tip in your mouth, Joel stuttered a whispering groan out at the feeling, “Oh fuck,” Your trust was in his grip, and the man knew exactly what you could handle. The hand gentle around his girth moved uselessly to hold at his hip, Joel pushing your wet mouth down onto his cock until about halfway.

Already licking what you could get, Joel held you there. Letting the saliva accumulate in your mouth enough that it may have felt embarrassing if it were with anyone else. He watched it spill from the corners and down his cock. You finally felt him push your head again, moving barley an inch down before pulling you up.

Never allowing you off him in anyway, Joel pushed and pulled your head up and down as you licked and greedily sucked his cock. Your eyes shut and a noise building in your chest that wasn’t quite a moan or a groan but just a needy sound that had Joel swearing more. Each time he moved you half an inch more of his length, “That’s right, good girl. Nice and slow, just like we practiced.”

A whine vibrated against him and Joel accidentally pushed you down barley an inch from the base of his cock with a moan, but he held you there. Your hands were tight on his thighs, but as long as your nails didn’t dig deep enough that it felt sharp, he knew you wanted more.

The pace he guided you to bob along his cock sped, and his stomach muscles went wild with a twisting pleasure. You sucked at his tip as he came close to grunting, collecting his words. “All the way down now, sweetheart.”

This time guiding you much slower, his deep voice never leaving as he pushed. “Fuck- oh fuck, see sweet girl? You’re perfect, throats meant to let me fill it up.” His hips pushed up a bit more by now, his grip less intense, more just holding you so he could thrust as he needed.

You sucking every shallow thrust he gave, the saliva and precum soaking your lips and his cock weren’t the only thing dripping. The pressure of how deep and thick he sat in your throat pulled stinging tears and a shameless muffled whine as Joel thrusted deep enough to keep you as far as you could.

Your nose pressed up against the thick, dark hair surrounding his cock. Hands holding his hips so much more desperately as you once again made indeterminate sounds of need behind his length. He pushed and pulled your head down his cock in tandem with the thrusts he could manage as the cum and saliva made a soaking mess and the wet sounds of just how much of it there was the only thing aside from whatever moans and deep mumbling of need Joel could voice.

You felt his cock throb in your mouth, almost too much too fast that you almost panicked, but you didn’t know which, what way. Joel’s moans were short and raising in pitch, breathless, “Oh god, fuck sweetheart, oh fuck-” barley audible but you decided you wanted to give him more.

Grabbing the hand at the back of your head, you covered it and pushed down until you once again were overwhelmed with his entire length down your throat and your own insides leaping at how too much too fast it was.

But you sucked, nose still pressed against the coarse hair, palms sliding up to grasp what sides of his ass you could reach from his back to the sheets. Your hand not moving, Joel moved enough to grab yours and switch. His larger hand now covering yours and keeping you sucked his cock, neither caring how much of a sloppy mess being made. “Gonna make me cum, sweet girl. Let me spill down this perfect, fucking throat, okay?”

You barley got a nod out before it snapped. Joel’s head falling back hard into the pillow behind as his hips trusted up into your mouth as he came. Your gag reflex from the pressure almost so much so quickly your heart lept in panic, but his warm cum spilling inside your mouth kept you as together as you could.

His cock so deep inside, you swallowed what you could but mostly you just were held there taking what he fed you as he mumbled incoherently above, only your name and what could only be expletives in Spanish being made out.

Joel’s hand finally easing up as he finally stopped coming, his body flushed and heaving. Sweat accumulating on his hair and chest despite the blinding white snow flying outside the window as he came back down to his senses.

You pulled off his cock slowly, as you gently sucked and licked your way off but there was no escaping how swollen and stained in his cum your lips were. Your head dropped against his hips trying to catch your breathe when Joel coaxed you up to him.

His torso moving to sit up, Joel had you partially in his lap. His eyes drooping and his face dropped in compete content, Joel swiped two fingers across your lips. Intending to drop them down to your pussy, you stopped. Something back inside your chest that you just couldn’t handle or even try to vocalize at that moment.

Instead, you pulled them both into his mouth, sucking them just as clean. His eyes narrowed, more grumbling in Spanish before pulling them out of your mouth and cupping the side of your face. His nose nudging against yours, Joel was so close to your lips you could feel them as he spoke. “Let me take care of you.”

Shaking your head you kissed him gently. Swipes of your tongues not needy, but a loving tease before you pulled away. You being the one to nudge his nose with yours this time and twin grins when it made Joel smirk. “Sleep first, Miller. We can play more later.”

Joel rolled his eyes, pulling you into his chest as he lay both of you down. Your leg swung across his and most of your upper half draped over his chest as both his arms held you to him. “Play later...Jesus christ, sweetheart.”

A kiss pressed to his heart, you focused on him. If he were to have his way, Joel no doubt would insist on giving you something in return. But he was content, exhausted and too selfish to let you out of his arms, so he missed both how clearly soaking wet and turned on you were but also that twice now you talked him out of touching you.

Laying there for a while, both of you knew sleep hadn’t come to either of you yet. One of his hands stroked over your hair, when his voice low and serious spoke up. “What kept you so long this afternoon?”

Joel was more awake then you, eyes open and trained on nothing above as he felt your head snuggle into his chest more. His arms tightening at the sensation. You weren’t awake enough to remember why you didn’t bring anything up.

You sighed lightly, “Alex caught me in the storage room.”

Whatever ping had kept your heart jumping beats in your chest earlier, twisted in an unsettled darkness in Joel’s at how that sounded, your next sleepy words doing little to make it better. “Just hassling me about you, I don’t know. He’s just been...mean...since you and I...”

You didn’t at all remember your words by this point, and Joel couldn’t even tell if you were actually conscious, but if your sleep answered honestly he was there to listen.

“Said he shouldn’t be alone with me, kind of like...”

Whatever that was leading too was the exact honesty not even your waking self realized was closing in on how uneasy you kept bleeding into. You didn’t think any words were said before you both fell asleep, but it wasn’t just anger brewing in Joel’s head as he lay there.

Feeling you sleeping in his arms, more then one thing spun in his head and he liked none of them and even more of those had no answer. But, Joel too was exhausted, and finally just let himself drift off alongside you.

Joel would wake up before you only to realize it was getting dark out. Slipping out slowly, Joel stopped at the washroom before peeking into Ellie’s still empty bedroom. Finding her still passed out on the couch, Joel just shook his head with a smile.

Just as carefully as he left the bed to leave you undisturbed, Joel moved Ellie all the way into her own bed. Her grumbles at being jostled in her sleep and the furrowed brows alongside almost made Joel chuckle out loud.

He found himself actually just watching her for bit. Stuck at her bedside, a soft brightness in his eyes until he heard you shift around in the blankets.

Turns out all three if you had let the weight of the past few days leave everyone a bit more sleep deprived then perhaps any of you had been honest about. Tomorrow, whatever foggy list of things bouncing along Joel’s brain would be dealt with then.

For now, he slunk back into his bedroom. Finding that as soon as he was under the covers, you twisted around to meet him in the middle face to face. The comfort of the others warmth at night being a gift he, deep down, felt painfully in his heart, that you once thought you didn’t deserve.

More than once you were told to just relax that morning, but you felt restless. Only getting as far as mid morning before making your way into one of the kitchens. At least if your hands were occupied that took a bit of strain off your wandering mind.

To your benefit, the others seemed to leave you be. Letting you finish one thing before nudging you over to something else without much direction. Good thing considering you barley heard any of the chatter around you, images blasting by in your head so quickly all your energy was focused on figuring out why you had this odd feeling in your gut.

There had been spurts of it before, small moments or tiny splashes of emotion that pulled you into the dark but spat you back out just as quick. Now it felt more consuming, like a shadow that kept growing and wrapping itself around you. As you stood there however, a voice seemed to trickle into your ears and a phantom tracing over your skin.

Why would you be thinking of those days right now? That made less sense then how you felt. Or why they would even be connected, until multiple faces blended into one. Alex had never done anything like that to you, or even shown hints that he may. And yet, the way he cornered you? You found yourself blending the two enough. He talked like them and realistically, looked like them in a way.

That claustrophobia as he stood at the only door trying to what? Yell at you about Joel? What did any of this have to do with each other and why couldn’t you stop thinking about it?

Vaugley you heard some rumblings outside, but it didn’t grab your attention the way it did a few of the others until turning to pass something off to another. Only to find a few of them huddled together in gossip, and their eyes already turned your way with intent.

Head tilting to the side as your brows furrowed in confusion, one of the women gestured to the front of the building. “I think your boy might be having a bit of a row.” Your face scrunched in even more confusion, as she continued. “Tall, dark hair, bit of an attitude?”

Being completely honest with yourself, that did very little to narrow it down. A few guys you knew in this place fit that description. Regardless, you turned to put everything down and headed to the front door.

The cold air as you opened the door shivered against your skin, hands already stiffening from the onslaught. Whatever had happened out here, clearly had died down but the remains were still lingering.

Joel stood a fair few feet away from Alex, his face twisted in residual anger, his dark eyes clearly fired up even from there. Alex himself was far more worked up, turning to try and instigate something once more only to be pulled back. Eventually shaking off the hand on his arm and started to walk away with steam still coming out of his ears.

He didn’t notice you but Joel did. The twisted emotion turning to something a shift more tender as he looked over to you before Maria talked him out of something. She begun walking to you as you and Joel both watched each other, your confusion much stronger then what blend of things he was currently feeling.

Stopping at the bottom of the steps, one of her gloved hands held onto the banister as she nodded inside. “Go grab your coat.” Just pointing to make her instructions more clear as you raised an eyebrow at her. Leave it to Maria to be as purposely vague as possible.

By the time you came back out, Joel was gone. A skip in your heart as your head turned one way then the other to him not being in sight and the onlookers had dissipated. The tension and apprehension in your posture was painfully clear as you stepped down still watching the now empty spot where Joel had been. “What uh-” Looking back she raised her eyebrows as if she knew what you wanted to ask. A kind of expecting expression that likely put many people on guard. “Where exactly are we going?”

Whatever her analysis was, it left her satisfied for now. “My house. Figured you’d like a meal in some peace and quiet.” You weren’t that stupid to think lunch was all she had in mind, but both of you knew there was little chance you’d want to talk out in the open about whatever she had in mind.

If living in Joel’s house felt weird, it was even weirder to be sat at Maria’s kitchen table as she insisted you just ‘relax for once’ a she did the work. Your hands now had nothing to do, and the uncomfortable energy you had still amused the woman.

By the time she put a plate in front of you, you had lost any courage you tried to build up to just speak up and ask her what happened out there. Any phrasing in your head re written and re worked until all of it sounded like a demand for information. Besides, if anyone was able to dodge a question with her own it like nothing, it was her.

Nodding at her with a muttered, “Thank you.”

It looked good, but not enticing. Nothing really felt enticing at the moment, like your stomach was churning with a toxic storm and food wasn’t even really a choice product to add to the mix. It was frustrating, not being able to just ask a simple question. Just staring in the direction of your plate with nothing in sight but what seemed to occupy your vision many hours of the day today. “So, uh..”

Maria interrupted whatever failed thought process died on your tongue. “Did you know I didn’t like Joel when he first got here?” Your head lifting up as it scrunched in confusion again, but she just shrugged one shoulder with a small smirk. “I was already with Tommy by the time we came across them, and neither me or him had much of a first impression.”

You remembered being told that story, not so much the minute details outside of what Joel had said himself. Remaining quiet as she continued.

“I thought he was a bad influence, and I can only assume he didn’t think too differently of me. To be fair though, all I had to go on was Tommy’s word and whoever I thought he was, wasn’t the same man who arrived. Even less so the second time.” Your eyes flickering over to a wall instead. Not quite sure exactly to what extend did she know certain details.

Shrugging, you took a sip of water instead of at all bothering to pretend you could stomach food right now. “You seem fine now.”

Maria smiled more softly. “We got to know each other. It’s not like how you get along with Tommy. I think me and Joel are a little too different to be super buddy buddy, but first impressions are almost never actually the right ones. You remember what I told you that first day you got here?”

Biting the inside of your cheek you stretched your memory, trying to see beyond the feeling of being an alien in a strange new world to more specific details. “Something about just getting used to him?”

Close enough. “I said he’s pretty rough around the edges at first if you don’t know him very well. He can be off putting and I don’t think I’m breaking new ground by saying Joel can be hard to get to know.” If you gave her any credit, that did in fact almost crack a smile. “What I’m getting at, is if you don’t know him, then it’s easy to paint him as a bad person.”

Eyes narrowing in caution you couldn’t connect the dots of her real intentions. “And someone like Alex, doesn’t know the first thing about the man outside of he’s in a relationship with you.” An anxious tingling in your fingers crept upwards. “He doesn’t like that you’re with him, and he’s immature enough to try and say whatever he can to change your mind.”

Nails tapped at the wooden surface, your jaw clenching. “Why would want to break me and him up, just because he doesn’t like Joel?”

Your sincerity caused Maria to pause. The last time you caught her off guard was when she had realized you had feelings for the man himself. But it possibly didn’t occur to her, that it wasn’t his feelings alone you couldn’t figure out. No wonder he had to spell it out for you, you didn’t even seem to realize if someone liked you at all.

Maria’s face however said your answer. The creeping jitters stemmed up into your veins and unsettled every part of your body it swam through. Stammering for a moment, head shaking you tried to laugh it off. “That doesn’t, why would he-”

Leaning forward, Maria’s voice grew louder but not in a yell. Clear dictation like she knew to cut through the uncomfortable denial. “Because sometimes men are fucking stupid. And even stupider when it comes to liking a woman. Alex likes you, you’re with Joel so it pisses him off. Joel confronts him and it starts a fight because god forbid two hot heads like them manage to talk anything out.”

That made you pause. You didn’t say anything about yesterday to Joel, or at least that you could remember. Why would he start something not the other way around. “I thought-”

Relenting she gave some benefit of the doubt, “Joel approached him first pretty pissed off, but Alex made everything worse by punching him. I already stepped in at that point.” You didn’t mean to tune her out, but words became somewhat muffled. Joel didn’t just start fights, you had to give him a good reason to set that part of him off.

Your name being called, your eyes snapped back to her, but your mouth worked faster then hers this time. “What are you getting at, Maria?” Blinking back, she seemed surprised at the bite in tone, or perhaps the stark intensity in your eyes.

Her face looking around mindlessly for a few moments, it almost felt like even she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to say. Analytical gaze gave way to a softer one, almost with a tinge of motherly behind it. Which only made you feel more on edge. “I just- I feel like there’s things about you I’ve seen in other people before. Something you’re not sharing.”

Did she know? Did Maria pull back the curtain and see the visions floating behind your eyes and memories that disappeared when you woke up? It was hard to tell if your silence that followed strengthened or weakened her hypothesis by the way she was looking at you.

Exhaling loudly, she broached that wonder. “Did Alex ever do anything,” a shaking in your limbs took over at the same instance it felt like your lungs refused to work. “Or make you do anything, with him?”

You couldn’t figure out what it was you felt, but it wasn’t wanting to stay here. Voice tight and restrained you looked her right in the eye. “No.”

In an instant you pushed yourself out of the chair so quickly it was surprising it didn’t fall over. A reaction Maria clearly didn’t expect, calling your name as she followed you. Managing to yank into your grasp but your upper arm was grabbed before you reached out to the front door.

Like freezing ice poured onto that spot, you whipped around. Arm jerking back in a flinch, the anger now mixed with something that not only made it hard to breathe, but also felt like it was making your heart start and stop simultaneously. Apologetic, she retracted her hand but kept it out as if to placate you from running again. Your name muttered out of her mouth, but you leaned away from her. “Maria, I said he didn’t do anything.”

“But someone did.” The shaking in your body was too strong to not be visible now. None of what she seemed to know had anything to do with your life here, with these people. So her dragging something up that you weren’t even aware she figured out? You felt like she had just exposed you, tearing off your covering and leaving it to be seen by anyone. Even if it was just the two of you here.

Vile crept up in your throat, leaving you sick, nauseous but like the inevitable wasn’t gross just unfairly painful. If you breathed, it would shake and it could all tumble out. Maria’s hand touched your arm but this time, her grasp gentle. A comfort you no doubt might have appreciated if you didn’t feel as if your chest was compressing in on you. “I’m not trying to force you into talking about any of it. But something tells me that you’ve never talked about it with anybody.”

Fingers twitching, digging into your jacket and almost letting it slip with each flex. Trying to exhale through your nose, shoulders deflated a bit. Enough to hopefully let her finish whatever she was trying to get at. “And I think you should. If not with me, then Joel.”

Swallowing hard, you got enough out almost on the verge of cracking. “Why?”

Once again she seeked something out in your expression, and whatever she found you didn’t know. “Because keeping it a secret isn’t going to make you feel any better. And the last person Joel wants to hear it from is me.”

In retrospect, you couldn’t tell if that was a threat. You didn’t even know what you were feeling, but she did and somehow understands the bigger picture. Would she really just tell Joel what she suspected if you don’t? You figured they didn’t matter.

Joel was fine enough with that first night, you didn’t lash out or cry afterall and by the time it was all over you saw no point in bringing it up. He was satisfied it seemed, and you were too. Why should he be weighed down with things that shouldn’t concern him?

You hardly could stand looking at her anymore, standing in her house or being inside at all. Turning finally she let you walk out, and said nothing as you slammed the door behind you. Feet taking you only a few feet into the snowy street before stopping to put your jacket on.

You get into one stupid disagreement with a friend and look at all the trouble it caused. Alex wouldn’t have talked to you that way, made you feel that way if he liked you and he sure as hell wasn’t anything like before.

He was an idiot, before was just a fleeting memory that shouldn’t reflect on anyone except you. None of this had to do with each other, none of it had to do with Joel. Love wasn’t supposed to be complicated and messy. All bringing this up did was make it so, and you didn’t see why other people needed to feel the burden of your issues.

Glancing over at the people milling about, the overwhelmingly normal life many carved out for themselves here. Wasn’t the point to leave your past behind? Maria was wrong you decided. The past had nothing to do with now, Joel, or anyone and it was stupid to pretend like it mattered.

Cold air dug into your skin, biting wind that should have stung more then you felt. You opening your mouth at all caused a fight. You’d apologize to Joel for it, and leave everything else behind. Your problems were your problems, Joel wouldn’t care as long as you don’t burden him with it.

First though, you needed to be alone for a little while. Away from people, and push back all of the confusion swelling your skull for as long as you could stand it. You’ll fix everything when you’ve shaken off the unsettled ill in your stomach that Maria shouldn’t have put there in the first place.

You hadn’t really noticed how dark it became until a voice called it out. “You know there are things called lights inside, right?” You had found yourself perched on a bench with scraps of paper, sketching mostly alone in a secluded area off the main street. Head whipping up, your skin crawled in on itself at Alex’s approaching figure. Instantly your face fell to annoyance, getting up walk away only to be interrupted by him, “Woah, woah, wait a minute I just wanna say something.”

Keeping far more distance between you then was necessary, you still granted him the time. Head turned to the sight of the street empty, and flickered only your eyes back to him.

It was further annoying that he seemed surprised you stayed, taking more then a quick moment to collect himself and looking much more smug then the bashful guilt he approached. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, okay? You’re my friend, I was just looking out for you.” Head inching more to face him, but your glare grew. “We barley see you anymore, I think I have the right to be worried. Whatever this thing between you and Miller is starts up, and suddenly you’re too busy for us and you disappear for days at a time. What was I supposed to think?”

Arms crossed in front of your chest, you were thankful he stayed far from you. Unable to spot your nails digging into your palms harshly, “That what me and him are doing shouldn’t be any of your business. Or that you’re not as smart as you think you are if you don’t know two private people want to spend time with each other in private.”

His face twisted in incredulity. “You just expect me to believe that the second I brought him up yesterday, you looking scared was just some weird coincidence?”

Voice raising, you tried to keep your own level. Empty streets doesn’t mean the air around you isn’t listening. “No, Alex what scared me is you.” His eyebrow raised in confusion and more upset just settled in your stomach, but without the anger to mask it. “You cornered me, blocked the door and told me I shouldn’t be alone in a room with you.”

You felt rather small by this point. His rolling eyes making you feel like a whining child who didn’t know what you were talking about. “What now it’s my fault? You know that asshole punched me in the face right?”

Pointing to what looked like a black eye, it barley even stood out. Joel clearly didn’t give him anywhere near what he could have. “So he hit you first?”

Alex said nothing, and that was that. Trying to say your name, you started walking a wide path around him, arms curling in more on yourself when he tried calling you stay. Not looking directly you stopped just long enough to glance to the side, his figure barley visible. “I-,” You exhaled shakily, fumbling with your words that would sound much braver from anyone other then yourself. “I think we should go our separate ways. You’re supposed to be my friend but not if this is what it’s going to be like.”

Not close enough to hear what he said, but not yet too far to not detect the petulant complaint in his voice. Liking you isn’t a reason to get in between the only life you’ve wanted to find with another person. Alex was just a jerk, but then again, so was someone similar.

It annoyed you, coming to the conclusion that Maria was right. Something else did happen, and as you walked slowly through the street, lights above illuminating the slowly accumulating snow fall, you started to understand that he just reminded you of that something.

His looks, the way he talked to you, all so similar to before, and so completely unlike what Joel was like to you. It still felt messy in your head. Just strands of thoughts, and half conclusions that you hadn’t yet organized into something coherent. To you it didn’t add up yet, and possibly saying all of it out loud might connect those dots.

But you didn’t want to tell just anyone for your own sake. Reaching the house, you glanced up seeing light in Ellie’s room and what probably was Joel’s room as well. You still didn’t want to unload these scattered thoughts onto him, but if you had too, you only wanted it to be Joel. Alex was right about one thing for the wrong reason.

You were scared of telling Joel the truth, but not because your fear was of him, but because to you none of it should matter. You had him, you worked and you didn’t want to ruin that but not saying anything couldn’t be making Joel feel any better not knowing at this point.

The house was quiet, each step of your feet against the wood echoed uncomfortably. Ellie’s door was partially open, distracted by whatever it was she had been reading you peeked in and passed by undetected. You figured there was a little too much stirring in your mind for her at that moment. Joel’s door was also partially open, only this time you couldn’t just peak in and dash out.

Joel sat at the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees as brown eyes followed you both softly yet lost in their own thoughts. A faint yet new mark struck across his cheek, prompting you forward. Hand reaching up to look at him closely, Joel caught it before and kept them hovered between you before pulling to get you sitting beside him.

Worry swam through your veins as you looked him over for anything else but he clearly had gotten the better hit in. If Maria knew you pretty well, Joel knew you a thousand miles better. Already ahead of your mind, he half shrugged. “You mentioned what happened last night. I think you were half asleep, but it was enough get the picture.”

He let your hand rise up, thumb trail over the red mark with a feather light tenderness as your brows narrowed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you involved like this.”

An answer Joel did not aspire too. “I know you didn’t. Which is why I went to talk to him in the first place.” Biting the inside of your cheek, you hesitated in thought. “I’m not going to force you to tell me things, but that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to not care if your upset over it.”

From the scratching of his facial hair, your hand dropped down into your lap your head with it. “I-, it wasn’t that that upset me. I mean it was, but like, it wasn’t really about him.”

Joel’s eyes narrowed in thought, but let you take your time getting out what needed to be said. “If none of this makes any sense just stop me, because honestly I don’t even know if I understand myself here.”

The problem arose though, you didn’t really know what you wanted to say. The air between you both quiet and awkward, the longer it went on the longer sitting so close to Joel felt too close. Pushing up from the bed you mindlessly paced towards the drawer. Turned so your back was against the wood with your palms braced against them.

Joel said nothing. Knowing all too well how difficult it was to open up about certain things and how trying to talk you into feeling calm about it might only clam you up more. Your nails tapped rhythmically as you stared at Joel’s feet. Eyes sharp and face barley moving, it seemed to stupid to not know how to even say it.

“What uh, what he said did bother me. I mean he doesn’t know anything about us but it just took me off guard that he just started making shit up about you. So yeah, I was upset but I think it was more of...he started to just remind me of someone I travelled with for a while.” It was vague and there was no hope Joel would just leave it there.

Your palm moved against your forehead, the pressure failing to push away the anxiety inside of it. “Fuck. I didn’t-” Your heart pounded so hard you felt like it would burst from your chest in a gruesome horror, lungs lightening and the longer you waited even eyes shut the room felt like it was spinning.

Eyes glossy when you looked back up, and you hated the image in front of you. Joel’s arms braced on the bed ready to jump up, his own eyes so bright and big that flashed in a heart twisting softness that broke your heart as much. Leaving in the dark was worse, apparently.

So you spit it out, but not exactly in the way you meant it to sound. “I never did anything before. The night we slept together.” The room stopped spinning but now felt like the walls threatened to close in on you. Realization washing over his eyes, lips parted as he looked, well you weren’t sure. Upset?

“Or, I guess- fuck I don’t know. I mean it may have well been, all the stuff before wasn't anything like what happened with you, so, I mean it felt new.” Your arms crossed once more, but there was a stinging in your eyes that you hated.

Joel’s brow furrowed while he harshly fisted the sheets blow enough you could see the strain on his knuckles. His head turned away and that softness disappeared. It appeared to be taking a lot of will power to keep himself rooted in place. Through a clenched jaw he finally glanced back over. “What do you mean before? What happened?”

His tone wasn’t angry, it was distant and restrained but not something worse towards you. It left you feeling a little weird how much that alone relieved you. You looked up, trying to prevent any tears from slipping down but it felt futile.

The room either was too small or you became too big, and you found yourself crouching near the ground, hands on top of your head that hid your face from him. Back heaving from the deep breaths, your head snapped back up to Joel who now was nearer then ever to coming over to you. But he remained as you remained.

Pushing past the pounding of your heart, “Maria basically told me the reason Alex was acting the way he did, was because he was jealous. He likes me and I didn’t realize it and I guess it pissed him off, but I had no idea. The only person I’ve ever felt anything for like this, is you.” Your arms had crossed over your knees as you sat your chin into it. “I never knew how crushes and whatnot were supposed to work because I only know what it’s like with you. You were new for me. New for all of it.”

If only you could hear the pounding of Joel’s heart. His voice but a whisper, “You had never done anything before that night?” The bordering emotional apprehension in your eyes said more than Joel knew you could say at that second. Your name rolling off his tongue in a disbelief, “Everything you let me do, and you didn’t think I should know?”

You watched him get up, slowly make his way towards you as the shaking came back. Like your neck was dunked in freezing water but without the searing cold. “I thought you were satisfied enough that maybe you wouldn’t care.”

Joel was taken back, freezing in place as he once again treaded on an anger that he didn’t want you to think was at you. “What? No Jesus, this isn’t about me.” Nowhere to hide, Joel knelt down in front of you. Blazing brown eyes searching deep into your pain.

Without meaning to, your own voice raised but the choked emotions in your throat made it sound cracked. “Obviously it is because you’re angry at me.”

His voice wasn’t loud, but it certainly had more complicated feelings muffling it’s intent. “I’m angry because it was your first time, and you let me be that rough with you.”

Finally, you did yell. The words, the vitriol, the tears still burning your eyes, it all slapped him right in the face. “I didn’t think it mattered, Joel. I liked it, you thought it was okay, I didn’t think you would have cared. Because the guy before you sure as fuck didn’t.”

It was a miracle to Joel that he didn’t black out on the spot. Just watching you with heartbreak as you flew up from your place and paced around the room a hand once again pressed to your forehead. Voice this time, much more defeated. “I never told you because I didn’t even know where to start, and then it eventually didn’t feel like it mattered. What we had worked, and I figured it shouldn’t matter but apparently it does to me.”

You didn’t know when Joel approached, but you suddenly felt his figure tall over you and his warmth radiate your body. His hand hovered around but didn’t yet touch. “The only other time another person whose ever been around me the way you do was back then. But I didn’t know what the fuck was really going on, and I don’t even remember all of it but it happened and the way Alex was acting reminded me of it, and kept trying to say shit about you. Even though you’re the only one whose never made me feel fucking terrified about this shit, and I don’t know. I couldn’t tell anymore if lying to you or telling the truth would be worse.”

A sob almost flew from your mouth as Joel pulled your back into his chest. His nose nudging at the side of your head while he smoothed his hand over your front and hip. Waiting for you to let go some of that intensity in your stance. “I want you to listen to me. Okay?” His hand pulled your hip into his more at your nod. “You were more then okay that night. It was perfect because it was with you. I enjoyed myself because you enjoyed yourself. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to judge you for what some fucking-”

You could feel the hiss in his voice as he pulled himself back. His grip bruising on your body, but not in a way that flashed worse memories into your present. “No one deserves that, including you. So stop worrying I’m going to get angry for something you were forced into.”

Turning you in his arms to face him, his face was sharp but also embedded with desire far beyond the physical. Your hands lightly sat on his waist as one of his own cupped the side of your face. The hold this man had on you was ludicrous. The calm he graced you with never stopped being a shock. “There’s something else I want to admit.”

“Okay,” Joel’s voice was rough, his heart bracing for whatever else he couldn’t possibly predict.

Both of your thumbs slipped under his shirt and traced the bare skin you found, a shiver stemming from your fingertips up into your heart and spread warmth into Joel’s own. “I sort of braced myself for an argument, so I have no idea where the conversation is supposed to go from here.”

Huffing out a breath of laughter, Joel tilted your face up to his. Leaning down he sat above your lips and bumped his nose gently into yours. “You don’t have to say anything.” He tested his lips, a small press against yours, leaving you lightheaded and without noticing, chasing his barley pulled back kiss. “I’ve got you. No matter what.”

Your face in his neck, and Joel’s your hair, the safety of each others arms served as your breathe of life for quite a while. Words were neither of your forte’s, but this? This was.

By the time something substantial came to Joel’s mind, his hands had been running under your shirt over your hips and back. Pressing his lips to your ear he did however hissed your name, “Who was he-”

Smirking in his neck, a wave of need danced in between your legs at this deep roughness of such a tone. “I didn’t tell you just to make you do something about it, Joel.”

His knuckles stroked down your cheek, both that softness and a need that only felt safe with him grew that feeling inside you. “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it anyways.” Both of your grins and breathy laughs finally broke the painful, thick air consuming you. Nudging your nose once, twice, Joel kissed you properly.

His lips needy, but not too harsh and pouring as much of his soul into it as he was gifted. One of your hands exploring his bare chest. Palm flat and finding the softest parts and sighing into his mouth at how he felt. The other slid up behind his neck before scratching into his scalp, fingers entwined with the luscious, thick hair.

The pleasure sparked in his veins caused Joel to pull back, both of his hands moving to keep you at a distance by your upper arms. “We don’t need to do this right now, not after everything.”

You contemplated it, you really did. Something distant but sensible telling you to stand back and take the physical slow with healing emotions. However, you and Joel had already gone past that point. A confession that burned through your facade long past it’s prime. He already knew the worst parts of you now, and didn’t turn away at the ones past.

Hands now fidgeting in your lap, it was difficult once more to find words that made the right amount of sense. Your body wanted to say yes, but the protective way Joel looked at you confused your clarity. A few open and closes of your mouth before giving up in a chuckle, “I’m trying to say it’s fine, but I have no idea how to make it sound reassuring.”

Smoothing down your arms leaving goosebumps in his wake, you watched his jaw twitch in his own contemplation. Skipping your hands, you jumped slightly as he now trailed your hips and down to the tops of your thighs. Debating if his own desire would win out resolve. Fingers playing with the top of your pants waistline and a boyish glint in his eye and a smirk he failed to hold back. “Lay back for me.”

A wave of nerves rushed through you but leaving nothing but anticipation in place. Trying to lean down and take your shoes off first, Joel elected to just shove you up onto the bed with a huff. Kneeling back away from you to pull them off himself.

Large frame partially crawling up onto the bed so his face was level with your waist. Pushing up onto your elbows, you watched as he only slightly pushed the edge of your shirt up. Just enough to find a place for his mouth. Light presses of his lips, barley even a kiss but covered all he could see.

Brown eyes peeked up at you, eyebrows raised at your stare. Lips parted with muted stammering breaths and eyes wide dripping with far too much for you to associate one word with. His fingers tugged at your pants breathing more heavily himself. “Give me a hand here, sweetheart.”

Confusion rolled across your features until he gave another slight tug. Nodding as your eyes fluttered, heart racing, “Fuck- right, sorry.” Your arms moving to grasp the top of your head as it fell back into the pillow. Hips raising enough so Joel could strip your bottom half bare.

Tossing them behind you, Joel narrowed his eyes while a smirk played at his face. Crawling back up to hover over your face this time. “How many times are we going to have this lesson exactly?” The seriousness in his voice for whatever reason, slipped a giggle from your mouth. Joel trying to keep his face toned down, but his eyes didn’t match the sternness he wanted them to. “Alright, just remember this is all your doing.”

Moving down back to put his face level with your now bare half, you unthinkingly tried to placate the fake disappointment. “Wait,” Your tone sung out light and breathy. “I’m sorry-”

One of his hands slammed down flat onto the sheets beside you as he looked up with a look of incredulity that bordered on laughter. Breaking the mask immediately his voice dropping to such a flat tone as he just said your name.

Leaning up once more you did it all over again, “I know, I know I’m s-” Flying your hands to your face and collapsing back to the pillows as you tried to hide the now much louder laughter. The sound blending with the deep ones that vibrated against the bed from Joel.

Moving to splay your hands up around your head, you shook your head mostly at yourself as Joel did but also towards you. He himself moved to straddle your thighs, pulling his shirt off as he did so. “Jesus, you’re a mess.” Behind the faint light, the stature he loomed over you with you could see the dimple in his left cheek as he still smiled at you.

It was the lightest your heart felt in days, looking up at Joel this way. Smile and laughter on his face as he undressed himself with no bravado or show. Just wanting to feel your skin on his. “Getting tired of me already, Miller?”

Getting as far as his belt unbuckled and zipper pulled down, Joel situated himself properly. Taking your thighs into his hands and moving them. One wide, foot almost off the bed and the other draped gently over his shoulder. Mouth pressing more small kisses to your mound before resting his forehead in that very spot, his brown curls splayed over your skin.

Your limbs tensed as you felt heavy breathing between your legs, thinking he was trying to even out his breath. Muffled your chest pushed forward in need as he mumbled against you so close his nose was right near your clit. “Asking the impossible, sweet girl.”

Taking your response right out of your mouth by gracing you with his. Starting with good intentions, Joel’s gentle brushes of his tongue against your clit fell through at your high pitched gasp. Handfuls of your thighs now being left marks with his grip, Joel quickly moved downwards. Soaking you more with his saliva then you gave him to start with.

Tongue licking right back up to your clit and down again, each iteration of his path proving more aggressive then the other. More needy. One of his hands reached up to grip your waist and the other attached to your hip. His strength enough to pull you up to his mouth higher above the sheets as his tongue and lips send waves of pleasure through your core and up into your heart.

Back arching as his tongue slipped over the sensitive spot inside of you like he so greedily loved to exploit. The more intense he could make your orgasm, the more excuses he had to stay between your thighs. Licking and tasting you for hours.

Joel could lose himself, his cock in your mouth, but the taste of you on his, did far more. Hand on your thigh moved roughly across your skin to cup what of your pussy his mouth wasn’t touching. Rubbing his thumb harshly over your clit and groaning at how much more wet it made you. His dark eyes spying on how your hands scrunched in your hair as you tried to grind you hips to not lose his touch.

His name mumbling off your lips, Joel licked from your clit to as deep into your pussy he could get before pulling away. His facial hair a slight more wet then you saw him before. Sitting up as well as he could from his front splayed out on the bed, his call of your name was much more commanding then your mindless beg.

Two thick fingers slid into your pussy as Joel’s eyes shut and jaw clenched at how smoothly he could sink into you, yet how tight you felt around them already. Head dropped even though yours raised to his. He watched how slick you made his fingers, breathing harshly through his nose Joel was unable to stop himself from sliding in a third finger.

The gasping, “God- oh please.” It almost hurt to try so hard to focus on Joel. Your insides burned and twisted so much it threatened to reach your eyes. His nostrils flared as he looked over you pumping fingers with as much vigor as his mouth had.

Joel hovered his palm over your body, up to the ceiling as he stroked his thumb over you. “Come here.”

It genuinely took you a moment to realize he wanted your hand, but when you returned the gesture Joel kept it soft. Pulling it up to his mouth. The scratching of his slightly wet facial hair against the warm kiss he pressed to the back of your hand. The movement forcing you to sit up enough that his fingers slid deep without him having to thrust them back himself.

Joel rested it over his shoulder, and cupped the side of your neck, mumbling your name. “Do you feel good, sweetheart?”

It wasn’t mocking, teasing, no patronizing joy. He looked so serious for how out of breathe and falling apart he was making you underneath him. You nodded, but he narrowed his eyes. Bumping the bottom of your chin up with a knuckle, you leaned up more to his mouth. “Yes, yes. You- fuck. You always make me feel so good,”

Something that looked more animalistic snarled against his face, leaning his lips to brush over yours as he spoke. “This is how you deserve to feel, understand? No less.” Unable to stop his lack of self control, Joel roughly kissed you. His tongue making you taste yourself as he licked into your mouth before pulling back. Your mouths both wet and his kiss sloppy. “I’ve got you, and I always will.”

Nodding, your core tensed up as his three fingers mixed with the harsh pressure on your clit started to hiccup your breathe. “I- I...” The closer he brought you to orgasm the harder it was to speak, but Joel understood you. He always does.

Nodding he tucked your face into his neck for a moment. “I know, sweetheart. Me too. Now you’re going to cum for me.” Letting you fall back onto the sheets, Joel moved so quickly that he yanked your hips up to his mouth after shuffling back. “Let me have a taste, okay?”

His mouth licking into your pussy deep and soaked even more, you nodded as tears slowly made their way down the corner of your eyes. “Anything you want, anything,”

You think he might have mumbled something as he tasted you but it wasn’t loud enough over the wet sounds his mouth made on you. His hands bruising tight as he held you, your body arching and tensing as the white hot coiling pleasure found its breaking point.

Joel kept your hips pinned to the bed as he took everything you had. Your orgasm snapped, name cried from his mouth as you slammed both hands over it to stay quiet but the muffle still danced in Joel’s ears. “Good girl, perfect fucking cunt.”

The noise in your body and head didn’t die down however. It trailed off into more and more winding pleasure as you gasped Joels name. The shake of his head between your legs making you moan even more. Joel’s fingers wasted no time in replacing his mouth as he leaned up.

Kiss once again just as sloppy and soaked as your pussy was. He painted the inside of your mouth with your taste on his tongue. Barley able to make himself pull back, he cupped the back of your head to keep you looking into his eyes.

“I told you, I got you. Just lay back for me, that’s all I want you to do.” He left you with one last kiss to your lips before settling down between you once more.

Hardly realizing that barley a few minutes into getting his mouth on you again had Joel’s hips grinding into the sheets until soaking his jeans. You watched as he sat up aggressively, almost frustrated at the interruption, tearing them off and leaving him completely naked. Cock wet with his own precum and still half hard before moving back.

Joel didn’t take you that way, as far as you knew. His tongue inside you and muffled words coaxing you to relax into sleep. Deep in your dreams a pleasure your unconscious mind didn't quite grapple continued to stay with you.

You weren’t sure if Joel fucked you, or just the bed so much that it kept your thighs and the sheets sticky even as you both woke up in the others arms in the early hours of the morning. Though Joel was quite serious about not having sex with you while asleep when you asked, though something about the shy flash in your eye and interestingly nervous fidget had his cock stir way too early.

Kissing his way up your neck to your ear, “Just can’t stop being so filthy can you?” There was neither a firm yes or no that morning, but it didn’t stop both of you from thinking about it the rest of the day.

You and Joel looked nothing like the calm harmony that his brother had, but it worked. He let you in a long time prior, and you kept discovering that he would accept your pasts without fuss.

To your amusement however, on his snarkier days, Joel did indeed make you playfully feel stupid for thinking he’d ever see you otherwise.

#joel miller x reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x you #joel miller/reader #joel miller/you #joel miller/female reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller fanfiction #the last of us imagine #the last of us fanfiction

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dreamsy990 · 6 months

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(video essayist voice) kingdom hearts is-

so, kh1. its been. a little while since i played. so forgive me if the game isnt exactly fresh in my mind. theres maybe gonna be errors so please bear with me im trying my best.

this is probably the kh game i have the least thoughts on, which feels weird considering its the first game in the series, but i just dont have a lot of strong opinions on it. its a pretty solid game!

starting where i normally do, the gameplay is probably the worst aspect of the game. they really thought platforming would be a fun thing in this game, but its just. not. the physics are so bad oh my god. if i ever have to jump in kh1 again itll be too soon. the difficulty is also a little bit all over the place. i played on standard (like i do with pretty much every game) and i would randomly jump from breezing through the game to trying a hundred times to fight one boss. most of the time its not the fun kind of difficult, just frustrating. the only time i can remember the difficulty being fun is the last riku fight in hollow bastion. i wish more of the game was the fun kind of hard. strangely enough, i know a lot of people struggled with the riku race and fight in the tutorial, but honestly those were easy for me? i got the fight first try, and the race second. idk, get on my level nerds i guess?

the worlds here are hit or miss. some of them (mostly the original ones, hollow bastion and traverse town specifically) are just amazing and i love them. others are. uh. lets say getting rid of the tarzan world was the best thing to come out of copyright law. also, this game is the only one where i skipped an entire world (sorry atlantica, you fucking suck). so theres that. the disney worlds are probably my least favorite aspect of the game

the story is alright! i dont have much to say about it other than i think that its mostly pretty good when i know whats going on, although both me AND one of my friends were so confused at the ending that we had to go call someone else to ask what the fuck happened and honestly i still dont really know? what the fuck is a kingdom hearts you ask? the world may never know.

this game and 2 are the only ones where maleficent is good. i miss when she was like a fun villain. she was just super into the housing market and i love that. what the fuck is she even doing in ddd? getting into bitcoin????

rikus great, i dont think i need to say that. hes such a freak and i love him. soras pretty good, shoutout to haley joel osman for doing a great job for being uh. 12??? at the time???????? hes great. i know a lot of people really like ansem sod but i just dont get the appeal? he never did anything for me. like hes fine i just didnt care about him whatsoever and anyone who says hes a better villain than like. xemnas. is wrong.

0/10 where is axel. ok but seriously uhhhhhh i give it a 7.7/10. its a solid, enjoyable game! not my favorite, but thats not to say i dislike it at all.

#doodles #sora #kh1 #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts 1 #kh review #spent too long on the drawing for this lmao

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romanarose · 5 days

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About a Girl: Chapter 3

Beautiful header by my beloved @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog

Joel Miller x Trans!Fem!Reader (Nickname, Blue)

Summary: Blue surprises Joel by rebuffing everyone advances in favor of him.

Warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter: 18+ ONLY!! I cannot warn against everything, but these are major themes. Joel is a lil ignorant but not out of hate. He just doesn't know. He's trying his best. There will be smut. Penetrative sex, all of the anal play, oral. There will be transphobia from other people. Addiction and alcoholism. QUICK child neglect not by Joel but I promise, Sarah is fine and is having a great time in life. Fetishization of women attracted to women by a shitty guy. Will update as needed. Again, this is adult content. Expect adult content.

Immersivity: Reader is transgender, AMAB female, reader has had gotten bottom surgery, not top, and is on hormones. reader has visible hair and a blue streak in hair, but not described. Could be braids, could be natural hair, whatever. Header is for aesthetics only. Reader is about Joel and Tommy's height. Let me know if i miss anything!

AN: FIRST DAY OF PRIDE EVENT!!!

A note on langauge. This is a 90's au, different langauge was used than we know know, words we find offensive now. While no one uses slurs theres langauge used that may not be comfortable. Just remember in the 90s there wasnt such a unified community all over, especially in the south. Blue isn't going to talk the same as say, a new york queer today. I want to remain as most "time period realistic" as i can.

TRANS LIVES MATTER! TRANS YOUTH MATTER! TRANS ELDERLY MATTER! TRANS WOMEN MATTER! TRANS MEN MATTER! NON BINARY TRANS MATTER!

Tommy woke up hungover, just as Tess, Talia, Max and you probably were.

Joel only had one, but he was up early packing things for Sarah. Jessica didn’t have much as far as clothes and other stuff for a 5 year old, so Joel wanted to make sure she was prepared. It was supposed to rain and she definitely didn’t have rain boots or coat, not enough kids stuff to entertain Sarah inside all weekend. He made sure to pack her barbies, etch-a-scetch, and a few cassette tapes. Sarah wasn’t even up yet when Kayla knocked.

“Hey Kayla.” Joel tried to be nice and welcomed her into the home they used to share together.

She smiled at him, said hi to him and Tommy. She must’ve calmed down after last night, as she usually does after a spiral. “Sarah up?”

Joel shook his head, getting a few granola bars Sarah could eat for breakfast. “Naw, I let her stay up a little later with Jessica, you can wake her if you’d like, or you can hang out.” He nodded to the coffee pot. “All yours.”

“Does she know I’m coming?”

“No, she was fast asleep when I got home.”

Kayla grinned. “Great, she’ll love the surprise.” and dashed upstairs.

“She’ll love the surprise.” Joel muttered to Tommy, not looking away from his task. “But she’d love regular visits she could count on more.”

Tommy patted his back. “You’re a good man, Joel. I don’t think I’d put up with all that you did.”

But Joel just shook just head. “It’s for Sarah.”

“Most things are.” He looked up from his coffee. “Hey! I’m meeting everyone for brunch, Sex and the City style. Since Sarah’s gonna leave, why don’t you come with us?” Tommy teased Joel with a nudge. “Blue’s gonna be there.”

Joel harshly shushed Tommy, wide-eyed. He looked down the hall to check for Kayla, but heard Sarah squealing mommy up in her room. “C’mon, man, you know how she gets.”

Tommy laughed, “I know, I know!”

But he didn’t really know. Tommy didn’t know about the screaming, the threats to hurt herself, the way she smacked his chest and arms… it wasn’t hard, he was a big guy. He could handle it. It wasn’t abusive, no. He could stop her if he wanted to because he was so much stronger. It was his fault he let it happen so he can’t really complain, can he?

Kayla reappeared with Sarah. “Daddy look! Mommy’s here!”

“I see baby!” Joel feigned enthusiasm. “Mommy’s gonna take you for the weekend, gonna stay the night, isn’t that exciting?”

Sarah was beyond excited.

Setting her down, Kayla told Sarah to go put on her shoes. To her credit, she’d gotten her dressed already. She spoke to Joel quietly. “Hey, Joel, could I borrow some cash maybe? My um… my tank is almost empty, you know how prices are right now. Fucking Clinton, right?” She chuckled nervously.

Joel wanted to sigh. He saw Tommy looking at him from over his coffee mug. But… he didn’t. Instead, he opened his wallet. And grabbed a $20. “You got food there?”

She shrugged. “Enough.” Joel grabbed another bill and handed the $40 to her. “Thanks, Joel.” She turned to Sarah who had walked up with her shoes on the wrong feet. “You ready, baby?”

Joel said goodbye, hugging and kissing tight. “Be good for mama, okay princess?”

Next, Sarah ran to her uncle, who whispered loudly. ”Be bad, okay squirt?” Joel glared at him, making him carry out the bags for Sarah’s things to the car.

He spent way too long trying to find a nice shirt. In the end, he settled on a green shirt. And his only pair of jeans without holes.

When Joel saw you ride up on a motorcycle, he knew it was all over for him. The way you lit up when your eyes connected with his… fuckign hell. He remembered your eyes when you were on your knees, his cock stretching your mouth… fuck he needed to sit down before he got a hard on.

“Joel!” You run up to hug him, taking him by surprise but he hugs you anyway. Joel likes the way you are very clear about what you want. Joel didn’t have to guess or walk on eggshells. He could want you and know you wanted him too. You took his hand to the table that Talia and Tess are at, not letting go when you both slide into the both.

Everything was going great. Tommy ordered unlimited mimosas, and Joel took one single look at the prices and ordered 2 eggs and toast. And you… Joel learned more and more about you, eating up every bite.

You were a school teacher, elementary english. You loved grunge, the color blue, and horror movies, Halloween being a favorite. Right now, you were horrifying him with a scene from Candyman.

“And then he opens his shirt,” You mimic the actions minus the undress. “And his chest is just like, a cavern of bees! And he kisses her with his mouth full of bees!!”

“Bees?” Joel grimaces, and you laugh, asking if it was too much. Joel loves laughs along; with you, when you laughed, it didn’t feel like it was at him. “Well,” He chuckles. “Maybe a little graphic for brunch.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” You continue with a smirk. “Should we maybe talk about sex, like Sex and the City? Maybe you’d like to fill us in on your latest sexcapades, Miller?”

Joel coughs, choking on his coffee and you pat his back as memories of last night once again popped in.

“I’m-” Cough cough. “I think I’m good there.”

Tommy spoke up, “WELL, since you asked-” Joel told him to shut up, not to talk to a lady like that.

“You let me talk like that around Tess!”

Tess leaned over, her tone teasing. “Joel doesn’t think of me as a lady.”

This led to Joel scrambling to defend himself, which he does, actually! Joel left out the part that if he didn’t see her as a lady he wouldn’t have slept with her all those years ago. Tess is different. Tess is family.

The conversation went on, and Joel noticed how closely you sat next to him while eating your food, your jeans pressed up against his.

“Frank finally scheduled his knee surgery.” Tess mumbles with a mouth full of waffles. “After harvest, so plenty of time to rest.”

“Why not during harvest?” Talia asks. “You said he doesn’t do farm work.”

Tess stumbled on her words a moment, glancing at Joel before mumbling something about Bill needing to take care of him, even though it was pretty minor.

Joel cut her off. “She's tryna let me save face because I can’t afford a babysitter. Frank has watched Sarah every harvest and planting season since she was born, except the first plant.”

Not meaning to pry but unknowingly waltzing into sensitive territory, you ask why not the first. Joel swallows hard but Tommy answers.

“Because his bitch of an ex was still around.”

“Tommy!” Joel chastises, but Tommy looks bewildered.

“What?! She is, and you know it. She’s-”

But Joel cuts him off. “What she is is none of your business and not the point. I told you we don’t talk like that about women.”

Putting down his silverware, Tommy stared Joel down. Joel knew how Tommy felt about Kayla. “Joel, she was nuts, she turned you into someone I didn’t recognize and she left my niece alone to get f-”

“Enough!” Joel was louder than he meant to be, noticing people around them turning. Heat crept up his neck in embarrassment and shame. He didn’t like snapping at Tommy, but he especially didn’t like raising his voice in front of you. Joel wondered if he scared you, if he lost your trust and ruined everything- He felt your hand on his knee, and when he turned to look at you, he didn’t see fear, just gentle compassion. He spoke quieter now. “I understand how you feel… but that is the mother of my child, and I ask you treat her with respect.”

Tommy opened his mouth to say more, but Tess whispered to knock it off. There was silence for a while as Tommy stewed, eating his giant plate of food, stewing. Tommy’s anger problems were nothing new to Joel, but this stressed reaction Joel was having to it was. Why did his chest feel so tight?

You noticed, because of course you did, and took his hand. “Wanna step outside?” You whispered, but Joel shook his head.

“”M Alright, thanks.”

From across the booth, Tess, Talia and Tommy all talked while you and him sat on your own side. As you chatted, it felt like you were in your own world. You had a tendency to help him forget everything else.

“I think it’s so neat y’all know an older gay couple, ya know?”

He didn’t. “Howdya mean?”

You took a bite of toast. “Well, you don’t see that much. We’re just now starting to get to a point people can really come out. Then the AIDS crisis took so many…” You shake your head. “I just think when I was a gay teen, how much it would have meant to me to see a future that wasn’t about hate crimes and death, you know?”

Oh. Gay? Were you a lesbian? No, no had blown him, quite enthusiastically… Maybe you were just trying something new? Was that offensive to think? Goddammit, Joel, what is wrong with you? “Oh, are you…” He trailed off.

You laugh a little. Joel hadn’t realized the three others had gone silent, watching what was happening unfold. “Gay? Well, I guess not anymore.”

Joel was confused. “Did it… go away?” He’d been told some people grew out of it, like a phase, or that some people went to therapy to change…

You laugh again, but slightly nervous. “No… I just mean, like, I transitioned so… now I’m a woman, so it’s not gay to be attracted to men…”

Joel blinked. Transitioned? What did that mean…

You turn to Tommy. “I thought you’d told him?”

“Told me what?”

Tommy shook his head. “Hey I may be stupid, but I know not to out someone.”

Tess confirmed she hadn’t said anything and Talia looked intensely uncomfortable, asking you if you wanted to go.

“Joel… you do know I used to be a man, right?”

A flash of warmth covered his skin, eyes burning and chest tighter. He had, of course, heard of people like that… but he didn’t know the first thing about it. Did that mean you were a guy doing dress up? Was this drag? Or transvestite, is that the term? Most of all, he was confused, because he liked you. Was he gay?

“Joel?” Your voice breaking him out of his spiral. It was small, meek. Unlike anything he’d heard from you before. “Can we talk outside?”

You stood a few feet away from him, wringing your hands. He hated how you were shaking.

“Can you just…” He sighed, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I'm gonna be real honest Blue, I don’t really know what you’re talk’n about. Can you just… Tell me? Is this like a transexual thing?”

Despite the tension, you give a small laugh. “I guess people used to call it that. Or transvestite. I don’t really know if there's a difference… I think people call a lot of thing under the same umbrella, like cross dressing…”

“Is that…” He swallows. “That's what you’re do’n? You a man that likes women’s clothes?”

You shake your head vigorously. “No, no that’s not it… at least to me, I guess. Some people say that’s all I am but… I don’t think so.”

“”Please.” Joel begs, a slight huff of a laugh. “I’m just an old farmer, I ain’t never left this town, no college, no life experience. I practically raise Tommy and when he was finally grown, I had my daughter so I just…” He sighs, heavily. He’s very confused, but he doesn’t want you to think he’s disgusted or hateful. “Please just explain it so I can understand.”

You nod, looking a little hopeful. “I was born a boy, but I never felt like one. My whole life, it just felt… wrong. I can’t really explain it, but it's just this… this knowledge inside myself that my body was wrong, a gut feeling…”

A slight breeze rustled his shirt, blowing your hair around and drawing his eyes to the blue.

“So… you’re a woman?”

Once again, you nod, crossing your arms over your chest. Joel didn’t know if that was from nerves or the fall beginning to settle in. “I am. Yeah.” You take a deep breath, and exhale in a ramble of words as your eyes plead to him. “Joel I’m really sorry! I thought, I thought you knew! I met Tommy a few times with Talia and it came up so I just assumed he told you! I know you probably don’t wanna be with me but I swear, I wasn’t trying to trick you!” Your voice cracks at the end.

Concerned, Joel frowned. He didn’t know why you were shaking. He stepped forward, wanting to hold you. “Hey now, darl’n, don’t cry” But he froze when you scrambled backwards, fear in your eyes. “Whoa there… I ain’t gonna hurtcha…”

You didn’t look like you believed him, eyeing his movements. “You won’t?”

“No, oh my god no. Why would I do that? Wait, that’s stupid, I know how people are but… I ain’t like that, I promise.”

Shoulders relaxing, you appear to be calming down. “Some men… well, they get really violent if they find out the person they… they did anything with was a man…”

“That aint me, I swear it, Blue.” He shuffles his feet. “I can’t say I really understand all this but… I ain’t like that.”

He could sense your dejection from where he stood. “I understand. I won’t bug you. Again, I’m really-” You turn to leave.

His eyes went wide. “Hey, hey, hey wait-” Joel grabs your hand, but not tight. You could pull away if you want to. “Do you… do you still wanna be with me?”

You giggle softly, still looking sad. “Of course I do… Joel, I barely know you but… of course I do. But you don’t wanna be with me.”

“I didn’t say that, Blue…”

You look at him curiously. “Joel, you just found out what being trans was 2 minutes ago, are you sure you wanna be with a trans woman?”

Joel let go of your hand to rub the back of his neck, smiling. “I’ll be honest, I don’t really know if I’m ready to date at all. I got my kid,” He thumbs back to the restaurant, chuckling. “I got Tommy. It’s a lot right now. And honestly? I don’t know if this makes me gay or not but… I’d like to try to be with you… if you’re cool taking it slow.”

Looking directly at him, you smile. “I would absolutely be okay taking it slow. And, listen.” Reaching you, you take both of his hands in yours. “Would it help if we just got together and I let you just… ask whatever you wanted? Like, having a little learning session.”

“Yeah.” Breathed out a laugh. “Yeah that would be great, asking.”

It was 3 am when Tommy came stumbling home. Normally, Joel wouldn’t notice but he heard a loud crash, running downstairs with a gun to find the coffee table nocked over and Tommy trying to bake pizza bagels. After some back and forth shouting at him, it clicked.

“Jesus, Tommy, are you on coke?” He gawked in disbelief.

Tommy just laughed. “You said I couldn’t use when Sarah was around!”

“That’s not an excuse to to hard drugs the second she’s out the door! You’ve been gone since 6, what if she came home early?”

Tommy waved Joel away, putting pizza bagels in a cold oven. “She’d be fine.”

His blase attitude was pissing Joel off even more. “I don’t want you high around my daughter!”

Standing up and apparently thinking the oven was on, Tommy glared at Joel. “Relax, Joel. She ain’t here!”

Joel fisted his hand into Tommy’s shirt, voice bellowing in the kitchen. “I don’t give a shit Tommy! Don’t you ever come into my home coked up again, you understand?!” He le go and shoved Tommy away.

Half an hour later, Joel came downstairs to find Tommy crashed out on the couch. Joel took off his shoes, pulled a blanket over him and placed water by his side. He cleaned up the messed up coffee table, turned off the oven that was now on and burned bagels and locked the door again.

Blue’s POV

You were nervous, to say the least. Sure, you liked to play it cool but really, Joel scared you half to death. He was so fucking… perfect. Tess had thought you’d like him. She told you so much of his personality, you’d assumed he was ugly: hardworking, good father, responsible, loving, kind, protective… When you saw him you were dumbstruck. How is a man that good of a person and that fucking hot?

You’d just wished Tess had told him you were trans, since she was trying to set you up. Still, you understood she didn’t want to out you. Not a lot of people here knew, and you needed to keep it that way. As far as the parents and faculty at your school knew, you had been born with two tits and a vagina… okay maybe not tits but you passed a just flat chested. If anyone found out, technically they could still fire you.

Still, Joel was kind and had taken the information in stride. You didn’t think it was going to work out between you… you’d figured Joel wouldn’t but up for dating you, especially if he wanted more kids... But you suppose today would tell.

Joel looks genuinely happy to see you. “Hey, come on in.”

You’re impressed to find the house is still clean. There’s things on counters and a little mud on the floor but you like it looks lived in. Still, he obviously takes care of his house.

“I really hate to do this,” He starts and your stomach drops. “Sarah’s mom called, wanting to bring her back early, like in a few hours.”

You understood. Bringing everyone over on Friday was one thing, but bringing a women over (that wasn’t Tess) around Sarah might confuse her, and he wanted to be careful. “I totally understand.”

“You eat yet?”

You watch, smiling as Joel cooks you breakfast. “Where’s Tommy.”

Joel grunted, a slight tonal change. “Upstairs sleeping off a binge. He’s a dumbass.”

Ah, so the tension hasn’t subsided.

After eating, you and Joel sit down on the couch.

He looks as nervous as you are. “Just… stop me if I saw anything offensive.”

You shake your head. “Nothings off the table today, you can ask whatever, I just wanna be straight forward. In fact, I’m gonna go ahead and answer the question I know you have. No, I don’t have a dick.”

Joel coughed, choking a bit. “I wasn’t going to ask that!” He begins to laugh, and so do you.

“Yeah, because you’re polite, so I just said it. I got bottom surgery a few years ago.”

“What’s that?”

“They turn my dick into a vagina.”

He nods. “I’ll be honest, that is a positive.” His eyes go wide in that way you noticed he does when he thinks he’s said something wrong. “Not that- well I wouldn’t- I could… umm..”

You reassure him. “I understand, Joel. You’d have been working with whole knew equipment. I promise, this is probably what you’re used to working with. Maybe if you get lucky, one of these days you’ll get to go for a test run.” He turns bright pink, but smiles. “Your turn, go ahead.”

He took a deep breath. “Does this make me gay? I ain’t got nothing against be’n gay, I mean, Tess is my best friend and I work for two of ‘em” the phrasing there almost made you laugh. He was so clunky sometimes, but he was trying. “It’s just, I didn’t think I was.”

You shake your head. “No. I mean, some people think that but, no. I don’t think I’m a man. Do you think of me as a man?”

“Not one bit.” He was earnest.

“Then you’re not gay, Miller.”

For the next hour, he asked a lot of questions. Some were more in depth, like what transitioning looked like, or what you felt like as a child.You told him you were on E and he had lots of questions about that. You explained you hadn’t gotten top surgery, and his eyes only flicked to your chest once. Respectful cowboy. He asked if you wanted “uuhhh, you know…” breasts, and you said you honestly didn’t feel the desire for it. You liked yourself as you were right now. Some were a bit fun, like how you chose your new name or if you stopped growing facial hair.

What you loved about him was he came from a place of genuine curiosity. He wasn’t judging you, he was trying to learn. You check the clock.

“I think Sarah will be coming soon. Did you have any other questions?”

Joel thinks for a bit. You imagine he probably had a lot about between your legs, but he was too polite to ask and honestly, details of surgeries, although you were comfortable, were a lot for someone you just met, even if it felt like you knew him already.

“I don’t think so. This has been nice, actually, so… thank you.”

He walks you to the door and as you bend over to put your shoes on, you look up at him. “I’m gonna give you some time to sit on that information… if you wanna go on a date, I’d love to. If not-”

“What about friday?” He hurries out, hands in his pockets. “If I can find a sitter, I mean.”

You stand up straight, unable to stop the beaming. You feel giddy. “I’d love to. We can even go later in the evening, like after dinner so you can spend time with Sarah.”

His face falters just a bit. “I um… I should be honest. I usually don’t have this much free time. I can’t really afford a regular sitter and Kayla isn’t really around with Sarah much… so I guess I don’t really know how well this will work…”

You kiss his patchy beard cheek. “Let’s just take it one day at a time then, okay?”

Joel smiled at that. “Yeah, that’d be nice.”

PRIDE EVENT TIME!!!!

love yall

i know thi doesnt get much notes but somewhere out there is a trans woman seeing this... is going to feel so fucking seen and thats what matters to me.

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guess-my-next-obsession · 2 years

Text

The Stable Girl: Finale

pairing: joel miller x f!reader (Sunshine)

chapter rating: M (mild descriptions of gore, death, grief, depression, a happy ending of course)

word count: 3.3k

a/n: oh my goodness! what a fun time it’s been writing this story. this was my first joel work i’ve created so it’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but i’m so so so excited for all the Joel content to come in the new year. thank you so much for the love on this story and all my stories. you make my world brighter. i love you all!

series masterlist

Over the last forty or so years of his life, Joel Miller had become quite close acquaintances with death. It was the most sure thing he ever knew—until he rode into Jackson and met you.

His first meeting with death was when he was ten. Butch, Joel’s childhood shepherd, had been adopted by his parents only weeks before his birth, allowing the pair to grow up together, in a way. The two were thick as thieves. Wherever Joel went, Butch was sure to follow, leading his parents to nickname their son “Sundance”—an ode to Joel’s favorite Western.

“Butch and Sundance were at it again,” his mother would lament after the duo would return from an afternoon of playing outside covered in dirt and scrapes. “Boys’ll be boys,” his father would respond, no doubt flipping back in time to relive his own memories from boyhood.

When Butch got sick, it tore Joel to pieces. On one hand, it was a fast death—Butch passing in his sleep as Joel held onto him for dear life, his tears falling onto the pup’s fur.

But while the death was quick, the grieving was anything but.

Joel didn’t go outside to play for at least six months afterwards, choosing to shut himself away in his bedroom and practice his guitar instead. It took nearly a year until he resembled the boy his parents knew and missed, but even then, for the rest of his life, whenever he saw a dog, all he could see was Butch.

His next meeting with death was shocking and sudden, his heart and mind taking weeks to accept that the event truly happened.

When Joel was twenty-one, Sarah was four, and Tommy was eighteen, his parents passed away in a car accident—another quick death that was followed by insurmountable grief. This time, Joel was too busy being a father and an older brother to process anything, his responsibilities preventing him from locking himself away in a room to come to terms with it.

If he were being truthful with himself, he still hadn’t dared to touch that wound.

And his third encounter with death…

Joel didn’t like to talk about his third encounter with death.

After losing Sarah, every life lost, every death, simply felt like a reunion with an old and loyal friend. Every kill, every loss, none of it affected him for a long time. Until he found Ellie, then you, and now the family you so generously chose to give him.

Death was no longer a friend. Now, he was an enemy that Joel Miller feared more than anything. In fact, it may have been the only thing he feared.

“Check over there! Thought I heard somethin’ move.” Joel called out into the cold night, his horse trotting slowly up a hill while he scanned his surroundings with a flashlight. Tommy and a few other rangers were out with him searching for Matthew, or at least the supplies he’d stolen. They’d searched for at least five miles, but he was nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Joel?” Tommy shouted from across the snowy hill. “I think we found him.”

“You think?” Joel asked with a quirked eyebrow, changing course to join his brother who stood about a hundred feet away, shining his flashlight into a ditch.

When he arrived to where the small search party had all gathered, Joel hopped off his horse and walked over to the ditch, sighing at the sight of Sunshine’s brother bloodied and torn to shreds by infected. Though he was used to such gruesome scenes, he couldn’t bear to look at Matthew’s body for too long, thoughts of having to tell Sunshine consuming him.

“What do you think she’d want us to do with his body? Burn it, bring it back to Jackson?” Tommy asked in as gentle a voice as he could muster, watching as Joel slowly made his way back to his horse.

“I don’t…it ain’t the kind of thing we talk about, Tommy.” Joel sighed, clicking his tongue at his horse, Callus. “Burn it, bury it…don’t matter. Her brother is dead and I gotta be the one to tell her.”

“Joel,” Tommy tried to call out but Joel and Callus were soon flying through the woods to get back home, his eyes staying vigilant now that he knew infected were very recently in the area. The last thing he needed was for you to lose a brother and a partner tonight.

Paul was the one to greet him at the gate, their typical short exchange made even shorter by Joel’s refusal to stop at the stables, bending the rules in order to get home faster.

From the living room window, Joel could see you laying on your back on the sofa, reading a book to his children, both babies asleep on your chest. Though the moment looked tender, he knew your mind was a flurry of anxious thoughts and fears. He felt a pang in his chest as he realized he would have to be the one to worsen your mood even further, but at least he was here. At least he could hold you through it.

“Hey,” he exhaled as he stepped through the door, keeping his voice low as to not wake the twins.

“Joel,” you seemed to breathe properly for the first time in hours, Joel’s face soothing all of the sickening anxiety and concern away. He walked over and grabbed Luna off of your chest, carefully resting her to lay against his as he carried her on one hip. You stood up with Lucas and did the same, the two of you keeping as quiet as could while walking them upstairs to their bedroom. Once the babies were in their cribs and fast asleep, Joel walked you back downstairs with his hand in yours.

Something was off about him. He was too quiet, too stiff, too…scared? Why did he look scared?

“Joel, what’s wrong?” You finally broke, keeping your voice soft but the concern in it was obvious.

“Come sit down with me,” he husked as he walked you to the couch, pulling you down onto his lap so that he could hug you close. Your brows furrowed as he rested his cheek against your chest and squeezed you, your hand reaching to scratch at his scalp. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” You asked, your voice hardly a whisper.

“Your brother, baby, he, uh…” Joel took in a deep breath as he lifted his head from your chest to look into your eyes. “Infected got to him.”

“What?” She asked with a disbelieving skeptical chuckle, though there was no trace of humor on her face.

“He’s gone, baby,” Joel exhaled, his chest tight as he watched you come to terms with the news, his eyes able to spot all the emotions that came with a loss like this—emotions he’d known so well. Your throat seemed to be swelling, your thick swallows inability to verbalize even a sound giving you away. Your stunned eyes welled with tears, eyelashes blinking them away until they fell down your cheeks. “I am so sorry.”

“Matthew’s dead?” You asked again in pure disbelief, standing up and cupping your hands over your face as you paced around the living room. Joel leaned his elbows on his knees as he watched you, unsure of what to say. “I can’t believe this…I…am so mad at him!”

Joel nodded at you as you finally dropped your hands, looking at him with a scowl.

“Why did he have to do that? He could’ve been happy here! He could’ve found love and settled down and—but he chose that ending!” You ranted and Joel listened patiently even though your volume was too loud, but he didn’t dare silence you. With a sob finally breaking from your chest, you covered your face and rushed to where he sat, straddling his lap as you shook with emotion. Joel held you close, stroking the back of your head with one hand, your fave buried in his neck, and using the other to rub circles on your back. “I just wanted him to find peace.”

“I know,” he cooed, resting his head against yours as he held you. “He’s at peace now.”

“Do you believe that?” You lifted your head to look at him, studying the hesitancy in his hazel eyes.

“I try to,” he whispered.

You hugged him close again, needing his warmth to soothe the ache that filled every single dark corner of your soul with grief. Your mind and body couldn’t understand this sort of loss—it didn’t know what to do with it. It seemed the only thing you could do was cry, so that’s what you did.

All night.

All week.

All year.

November 25th, 2038

“Hey, El,” Joel called out into the busy house as he held Luna on his hip, Tommy’s family over for Thanksgiving. Ellie walked in with a two-year old Lucas on her hip.

“What’s up?”

“I need to go upstairs. Could ya watch Lulu?” He asked with a calm urgency, Ellie nodding in response. Joel set his daughter down and mumbled a thanks before rushing up the stairs to his bedroom where you were getting changed out of your messy cooking clothes into a nicer set. With a knock on the door, he cracked it open and saw you sitting on the floor, silently crying as you held an Arizona keychain Matthew had found and gifted you ten Christmases ago. “Baby…”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized, wiping your face before stuffing the keychain back in a wooden box full of momentos. You stood up and shoved it back in the dark corner of the closet before turning to him.

“Hey, stop. Why are you apologizin’?” He rushed to you and cradled your face in his big, rough hands, his thumbs wiping the tears that remained on your cheeks away.

“I wanted today to be happy…and I fucked it up.”

“No, you did not.” He lovingly scolded, pressing his lips to your forehead. “You’re allowed to grieve, baby.”

“I know, but…I just wanted one day where I’m normal again. Where I can pretend to be normal with all of you and instead I’m up here crying on the floor,” you almost whined, leaning your head onto his collarbone as you hugged him close. Joel kissed the side of your head as he swayed you back and forth, his hand rubbing your back.

“You’re with family, darlin’…you don’t gotta pretend to be anything. We all love you here.” His voice did so much to soothe you that for a minute you wondered if he had a secret superpower he hadn’t told you about. You lifted your head and nodded at him, allowing yourself to buy into what he was telling you. With his thumb stroking over your cheek, he leaned down and placed a soft kiss to your lips. “Come on, the Turkey’s almost done.”

“Okay,” you slid your hand in his and allowed him to walk you downstairs to join the rest of the family.

“Mama!” Lucas called out as soon as he saw you, squirming in Maria’s lap to get down so that he could run to you. Your smile was genuine as you scooped up your son and placed a kiss onto his cheek. “Mama, I hung-y.”

“Dinner’s almost ready,” you informed as you walked further into the room, Joel’s hand resting on the small of your back as he followed you to the couch. He was the first to sit down and to save room on the singular sofa, you sat on his lap with your son on yours.

For a minute, you could see everyone trying to figure out something to say to you. You didn’t blame them for it, after all, you’d pretty much disappeared besides fulfilling your duties at the stables and taking care of your family. There wasn’t much to talk about because they didn’t really know much about you anymore. You didn’t know much about you anymore.

“Vivi was doing great at her horse riding lessons last week,” you started, taking the burden off their shoulders.

“Really?” Tommy chuckled, looking at his daughter who was sat on the floor with Ellie and Luna, playing with some building blocks Joel had made her. “She came home begging us to not make her go again because the horse ‘didn’t like’ her.”

“Well, Snow doesn’t like anybody,” you chuckled. “But they were doing good with each other.”

Another awkward silence passed over the room but was thankfully interrupted by the bell going off on the oven.

“Turkey’s done,” Joel tapped your hip and you stood up, choosing to walk with him, your son still perched on your hip.

“It’s so awkward,” you whispered to him in a whine as he pulled the turkey out. “They don’t know what to say to me. I feel like a sad little alien.”

“No,” he was quick to shake his head as he set the turkey down on the stovetop, peeling off his oven mitts and setting them down on the counter. “They just don’t wanna say the wrong thing, is all.”

“I know,” you sighed and leaned over to peck your sons cheek again out of a need for comfort. “I wish everyone didn’t see me as this fragile thing.”

“I’ll…try and start the conversation, then.” You guffawed at his proposition, watching as he gave you a playfully narrowed look. “What? I know how to keep a conversation goin’.”

“You? Joel Miller? Baby, you’re great at a lot of things, but small talk has never been one of them,” you reached to stroke his beard, earning a chuckle.

“Well, for you I’ll try,” he promised, pinching your chin before turning to the turkey and clapping his hands. “Alright, let’s get carvin’.”

In fairness, Joel had turned out to be quite the conversationalist when he put his mind to it.

As the family sat around the table eating the small feast that you, Joel, and Maria had helped whip up, there was no more awkward silences. Joel kept the conversation going with stories from his childhood, Tommy eager to chime in with his side of each story. Eventually, Maria started to share some of her own memories of holidays pre-outbreak before eagerly turning to you with a smile.

“What about you? Did your family have any holiday traditions?” You sucked in a breath as you cut up the twins food into more manageable bites.

“Uh, I was a little too young to remember much of it, I think,” your eyes flickered to Joel who was already looking at you. He cleared his throat before changing the subject to football, the Miller boys and their father sitting down in front of the TV every thanksgiving with round bellies and heavy-lidded eyes, watching the game.

“Tommy always passed out before halftime,” Joel added with a chuckle, his brother throwing a piece of stuffing across the table at him.

“And you were asleep by the third quarter.”

“I remember my dad and Matthew used to watch the game every year,” you spoke up, causing every set of eyes to turn to you. Joel gave you an encouraging nod as you looked at him, his boot touching yours beneath the table.

“Who was his team?” Tommy asked as he lifted his glass to his lips.

“The Cowboys,” you answered with a shrug. “I don’t know anything about football besides that people either love them or hate them.”

“Well, you’ll find you’re amongst friends,” Tommy gestured between himself and Joel. “We’re Texans, after all.”

“Well,” Joel interjected, earning an eyebrow raise from both you and Tommy.

“Well what? You jumped ship in the twenty-three years since football ended?” Maria asked with a chuckle.

“I’ve never been a Cowboys fan,” he chuckled his response, glancing between each shocked face. “I’m a Texans fan! Tommy, you know that.”

“No the hell I didn’t.”

“So wait—there’s a Texas based football team called the Cowboys, and then there’s another Texas based football team called the Texans?” Ellie asked with a confused look.

“Yes,” Joel and Tommy answered simultaneously.

“Well that seems like an oversight in planning.” She commented, earning a laugh from you. Everyone at the table looked stunned for a moment at the sound before easing into it and joining you.

For the first time in a long time, you felt like things were normal again. You felt like things would be okay. And while that sounded like very little to ask for, to you—in this world—it was everything.

After locating the football he’d found a few month back while on a supply run, Joel and Tommy attempted to show Ellie and Vivienne how to play football out in the snowy back yard. You sat by the fire with a big blanket wrapped around you, the twins upstairs taking a post-dinner nap.

“Tommy’s gonna throw his damn back out,” Maria lamented as she sat down beside you with a spare glass of wine in hand, handing it to you.

“Thanks,” you accepted it and took a swig of the dark red liquid. “Joel’s so sure he’s still a thirty year old. Poor guy is gonna be in pain in the morning.”

“Those Miller boys,” she sighed with a chuckle. A moment of comfortable silence passed over the two of you as you watched Tommy try and fail to tackle his older brother, earning a playful shove into the snow. “Are you doing okay? I know it’s not an easy thing to talk about, but…I just want you to know that I’m here. I know what it’s like to lose a sibling like that. And…I’m here. That’s all.”

“It’s so strange to describe to other people, you know? Even to Joel,” you paused, basking in the sight of the love of your life laughing with his head tipped back as Ellie tackled Tommy into the snow. “It’s not even about me being sad that he’s gone—he was an ass. But he was also the only thing I had left from the world before all of this.” You gestured around. “You asked me earlier about my family’s old holiday traditions and I couldn’t remember anything. But Matthew would have.”

Maria nodded, reaching over her hand and squeezing your knee. The simple gesture was enough to have you crying again, this time out of sheer gratefulness for the family you’d stumbled onto in all this horror and strife and grief. In all of this bliss and beauty and belonging.

Joel’s head whipped over at the sound of a single sniffle, his smile fading into a look of concern for a moment before he saw it—your smile. He watched you lean over and hug Maria close, and he watched as you wipes your tears away with the heels of your palms. And when your eyes met his, he saw you for the first time in a long time. You. His Sunshine. The woman responsible for everything bright and blooming in his life. The woman he thought he might have lost to the darkness of this world, who’s light had almost gone out for good. But here you were again, beaming and warm, full of life again.

With a smile on his face, Joel walked to you, his feet moving slowly and carefully through the snow until he stood in front of where you sat, your eyes locked on his. Joel leaned down, his gloved hand cradling your jaw, his thumb stroking over your cheek, his lips close enough to feel the warmth of yours. Before he leaned in to kiss you—to show you that he missed you—you halted him with your voice.

“Thank you for the life you’ve given me,” you whispered, just for him to hear, and even then, he thought he might have imagined it. “Thank you for being my light, Joel.”

“Oh, Sunshine,” he exhaled, overwhelmed by his love for you. His lips pressed against yours, your hands resting on his head to keep him there until everyone started to boo at their display of affection. Joel pulled away with a chuckle and rested his forehead against yours. “I’m so glad I met you.”

“My cowboy,” you whispered, running your thumb over his cheekbone.

“My stable girl.”

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