#their songs actually helped me realize i’m trans

[gamblingwithmyssoul]

Trans undead army rise up!

#hollywood undead #hu4l #undead army #trans #transgender #their songs actually helped me realize i’m trans #meme

[orions-tears]

hi!! seb x reader fic prompt here- how about a trans (ftm) mc x sebastian and they’re making out for the first time? a confession of sorts perhaps

Confession - Sebastian Sallow

Pairing: Sebastian x Male!Reader

Themes: Fluff, slight spice, coming out

A/N: Hello! I hope I captured what you were looking for. I've come out to the people I know pretty cryptically so I don't have much experience just doing it, you know? Anyways, I hope it's okay!

P.S. The grading scale for NE.W.T.S and O.W.L.S is O, E, and A being passing scores and P, D, and T are fails.

“A P! I got a P! That’s a fail isn’t it?” you yell, smacking your forehead and pacing back in forth.

Sebastian is watching you, holding back a laugh as he leans against the library desk. He shakes his head and turns back toward his book. “I told you I’d help you study,” he replies, throwing his hands in the air.  You sigh and sit on the table next to his, looking down at him.

“I’m telling you it’s not fair. All I’ve done for this place and I still fail.”

With that comment he bursts out laughing, prompting Madam Scribner to yell at him to be quiet. He looks at her and apologizes in a sing-song voice, looking back at you with a smile. “She loves me I know it,” he says, shrugging. “Look, this just means we need to study more for your N.E.W.T.S.” He grabs his book and stands, winking at you. “And I know just the place.”

You end up following him to the clock tower to a corner of the walkway, away from normal traffic. You realize why he brought you here and you just stare at him, trying not to smile. “Do you think you’re funny, Sebastian?”

He leans against the railing and closes his eyes. “I think I’m quite hilarious, but this is no joke.” He opens his eyes and takes a step towards you. “It’s important to take a break from studying sometimes. You need to be prepared.” He reaches out and lightly touches your cheek. “You’ve been seeing your books more than me.” He places a hand over his forehead to feign being faint. You shake your head and grin at him.

“Sebastian, I know what you’re doing.”

He looks at you, shocked. “I don’t know what you mean.”

You tilt your head at him. It’s not surprising how forward he is about getting you alone. You’ve been waiting for this since fifth-year. The minute you met in Defense Against the Dark Arts, you knew you had to have him. You step forward, pushing him against the railing. He smirks as you take his face in your hands, kissing him harshly. You feel his arm wrap around your waist, the other moving to untuck your shirt. You think nothing of it until you realize he’s never actually seen you without a shirt. Panicking, you grab his wrist and pull away.

He looks at you, confused. “Everything alright?” he asks, concerned.

You flush red and turn away tucking your shirt back in. “I…uhm…maybe now isn’t the best time,” you say, scared of what he might say if you tell him the truth. He leans around you and grabs your hand. When you look up at him you see he’s smiling but he looks a little bit sad. You want to trust him with everything and you know he wants you to, but this? You know he’d never do anything to hurt you but he’s not always the best at keeping secrets.

“It’s alright, (Y/N). I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable.”

Your eyes grow wide as you reply, “No! No it isn’t you I’m sorry…It’s just…” you trail off. How are you going to say this? You pull him back into the corner and hold both of his hands, looking down at your feet. “Please don’t be upset with me,” you plead, quietly. He shakes his head and laughs a little.

“Why would I be upset with you? Are you confessing that it was really you that stole my other waistcoat? Cause I’ve been looking for it everywhere.” You laugh and put your hands on your hips.

 “No I didn’t steal it. How do you lose a waistcoat anyway?”

He shrugs. “Isn’t that the question.”

 You shake your head, your smile fading. “No, umm. I’m just going to say it, alright? Please promise me you won’t be upset.”

He nods. “I promise.”

You take a big breath and sigh. “Okay…” you say as you shut your eyes. “I’m trans.” You turn your head away from him, cringing while you wait for a response. After a moment he squeezes your hands and you look back at him. Your face is hot and you’re so scared of his response.

“Thank you,” he says. You blink a couple times. Thank you?

“What?” you manage to get out.

 He smiles. “I said thank you. For trusting me.”

You feel a tear run down your face and you quickly wipe it away. “I- your not mad?”

He laughs. “Mad? What a ludicrous thing to think. You trust me with a secret and think I’ll be mad? I would never.”

You hug him tightly, feeling a few more tears run down your face. Sebastian was the first person outside your family that you trusted with this information and oh how kind he was about it. He may be brash sometimes, but with you he was kind. You pull away from the hug and kiss him again. When you pull away, he smiles. “We should do that again. A few more times, actually.”

 You start laughing and shove him away. “I need to study, Sebastian, stop distracting me on purpose.” You start walking back to the library with Sebastian trailing behind you. You turn around to look at him and grin. “You know, maybe you can take my shirt off.” You grins and grabs ahold of your arms. You laugh and shove him to the side. “But, only if I pass my N.E.W.T.S.”

He groans and throws his hands up in the air. “It’ll never happen.” You scoff and punch him in the arm. When he yelps, you start running down the stairs of the faculty tower. He runs after you shouting vague threats he’d never follow through on. Finally, you knew someone loved you for who you were, no exceptions.

#hogwarts legacy imagine #hogwarts #hogwarts legacy mc #hogwarts legacy #sebastian sallow fluff #sebastian sallow imagines #sebastian imagine #sebastian x reader #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x you #sebastian sallow x male reader

[egle0702]

[TRANS] Wooyoung’s Records Talk 『Off the record』 FULL (5 parts)

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #1

Hello, everyone. It’s been a while. This is 2PM’s Wooyoung.

I’ve been waiting for this moment.

I’ve really missed you.

Q. How do you feel about releasing an album after 5 years and a half?

A. I’m nervous. I’m very happy that I got to release an album and go on a concert tour. I’ve made that album and concert with you all constantly on my mind. Please take your time to enjoy it all.

01.  From Here

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. In this album, From Here is a song with the biggest amount of Hip Hop elements. Also, at some point, both in Korea and Japan, I wanted to write song lyrics that would reflect my own stories and my own values that influence the way I look at the world. So, this personal ambition to add at least one such song in every release grew. And in this album, From Here will be that song that contains my personal confession like my own individual diary.

Q. Why did you choose it as the first track in the album?

A. Just like the song’s title says, it sort of means that From Here something begins again. And in the chorus, you can hear the lines “From here, from me” repeated many times. That also means that from this point in time, 2023 June 7th, I begin anew again. Meaning that my own personal music story, activities start from here, from me.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I got to work on From Here’s track with a composer called RAUDI. It was our first time working together. I was the one to contact them first, asking whether they could send me a beat that would suit me. And it was one of the tracks they sent me, and I somehow wanted to listen to it again and again. I also got to think that I would have a lot of stories to tell to that kind of music. And seeing how I kept on listening to it every day, I thought that for this album, I definitely have to work towards adding a song that would contain my own story.

It was to the point that there was no need to fix anything much. In order to save that basic calm hip hop feeling from the track’s beat, so that the fans would feel it the way I felt it, we kept it intact the way it was, and I just added my own melody and lyrics on top of it.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I invested a lot of time in working on the title track, so there wasn’t enough time to work properly on any of the B-sides. So… I don’t think I’ve ever done that before… I ended up recording in the studio all by myself. Usually, the composer you work with stays with you in the studio for recording, but I recorded this song all by myself. I only had simple consultation with the Japanese lyricist to help me with my pronunciation. So, this song was produced very fast in a rather minimalist way.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. At first, I wanted to start my concert with this song. In my own opinion… It has my own personal story, and it could also be the most important story for me, so I thought it should be the first song I introduce to the fans, too. However, as I got more ideas and thoughts about the concert composition, I thought of where else I could find an important starting point. And when I realized that I could start the encore with it, I switched the concert track list.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. Rather than carrying some profound message, I wrote this song thinking that perhaps the fans might feel the same. No matter how much I communicate with my fans through my albums or SNS, they can’t really see my actual diary. So, as long as I don’t open my own diary and read it out loud, the only way to convey something I have as a person, or my thoughts when I look back on the days past, is through music. So, I decided to put it into a song, and this song is the result of it. So rather than accepting it with heavy hearts, I hope the fans would comfortably take it as listening to my own little trivial story, thinking like “Ah, this is what Jang Wooyoung’s been thinking over the years,” “This is what he wants to do in the future.”

***************************************************************

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #2

02.  Off the Record

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. First of all, the base of Off the Record is the new jack swing genre. When I think about new jack swing, it’s a genre with a very distinct dance and image, a distinct colour, so even though I like the music itself, I didn’t want to make into a purely new jack sing song. So, I wondered how I could add a little bit of hip hop into it, how I could add a little bit of dance into it. What I should do to give some retro feel… Therefore, when I fused those three together, I wondered whether I could alter it into something classic. And this is how this title track was made.

Q. Tell us the reason Off the Record, the song released for the first time in 5 years and a half, became the album’s theme.

A. Whenever I’m writing a song, I worry about the same things. For instance, what will feel fresh, what will feel new? But no matter how much I worry, how much I think, now matter how many sleepless nights I spend, at the end of the day, while most of the things I work on are more or less similar, I think the difference lies in my own thoughts and my own colour each song reflects.

So, how can I be the closest to my fans right now? This sincerity that comes straight from my heart, what would be the best way to show it? I focused on this. And the answer was going closer. I thought about things we could talk about when I got closer to them. Our own story. I thought about how I could express this mutual time that belonged to us. So, I reached the keyword of a secret story, and after thinking about it, I didn’t want to do anything too serious. I wanted to use something light, a daily language, and that’s how the phrase “off the record” came to me. And that’s how the keyword “This off the record” came to be. I started from there.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I ate and slept in the studio for 3 weeks, and went home just to wash up. Like, when I had work in between, I would go home to take a shower and then leave. It really was like that. For about 3 weeks. I don’t think I’ve ever spent that much time at the studio before. Although I like staying at the studio, as time went by, I realized it’s suddenly been 3 weeks.

To be honest, when you’re writing a song, it might take a year or two, but with this pressure and desire to do well… The point is that I didn’t want to compromise, I didn’t want to take the easy way… so the process ended up being like this.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. As far as this song is concerned, there weren’t that many issues. It’s just that the process took over 3 weeks, it took me quite a long time to record the guide for the song. Since it didn’t come out the way I wanted, I kept on recording the song while practicing at the same time. So, the actual recording went smoothly. Since the equipment in the recording studio is way better than in my own studio, it’s clear that I would’ve used the version recorded in the recording studio, but I sometimes use the guide version as well. Because there are times when you can’t emulate the feeling that is recorded in the guide version.

But right before the chorus, there’s this phrase in the song that goes “What do you think?” And I couldn’t get this good feeling for “What do you think?” after the 2nd verse. So that one part in the final song, the “What do you think?” question after the 2nd verse is from my own guide version. Such instances are quite common when you work on music.

Q. How did you try to express this song in dance?

A. I worried a lot, to be honest. Since it’s been such a long while, I felt a bit awkward, too. Wondering, how I should approach this… But it assembled quite well like a puzzle, picking the parts that I liked from various choreography videos. It felt like connecting things, like in Tetris, and we were able to come up with a really decent choreography.

Q. About the Music Video.

A. As far as the music video is concerned, I wanted it to have as little explanations as possible. I wanted to just display me as a person through simple visuals that would make me look good and nice. Just as with the Off the Record’s production process, visually, I just wanted to focus on harmonious stance in the centre of things. Taking this mood as the base, I also wanted it to have me moving a lot, be it the choreography, freestyling, or lip syncing. I just wanted it to be a music video that puts emphasis on the basic things. That’s how we worked on it.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. As far as this song is concerned, I wasn’t too worried about its performance on stage. The thing is that starting with the jacket photo shoot to the music video, all visual things related to it like the background, outfits, hair and make-up; everything that I could show visually, I was really satisfied with every single element. So, when it came to thinking about how I should present myself visually for Off the Record in a concert, that was really my last concern.

Therefore, with the stylist team we thought about what I should wear on the stage. Because when it comes to a concert, it’s not just about Off the Record, so the question was, how do I show Off the Record without disrupting the flow of the other song, how do I fit them all together. Thus, looking from the concert’s perspective, it was the first time I brought a song with such mood, so I paid a lot attention to it, and it was the hardest part, I think.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. I hope that for the fans it will be the kind of music they can listen when they’re on their way to work, when they’re in the middle of working, or when they rest on a weekend and they go somewhere for a walk, go for a drive; basically, when they spend some personal time – I wish they could listen to it comfortably while feeling the rhythm, feeling the summer breeze on their faces, enjoying their free time. I hope it’s the kind of song that allows the fans to find that little bit of freedom in their everyday lives because that’s the kind of groove and bounce I had in mind while making it. I hope the song takes on such a role.

*****************************************

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #3

03.  Season 2

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. Season 2 comes with a basic reggae beat, but since the rhythm was used in a very easy and simple way, there’s nothing complicated as far as the genre is concerned. We tried to avoid provoking any like-dislike dispute that would’ve arisen if the genre elements had gotten too heavy. So, to avoid that from happening, I focused on this summer feeling, so the listener would be able to feel more the lyrics and the melody. Like a seaside on a summer night. The breeze you feel in front of the sea. I worked for that kind of feeling.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. One day I was at my studio, and composer Super Changddai’s studio is right next to mine. His door was open and I could hear a certain beat. I really, really liked it and I asked him to send it for me, even if it were just a tiny bit of the beat. Or give me the entire piece. Either way, I pestered him about it.

So, I was listening to it for a few days, and I think it was around 2 weeks in that the song was complete. Whenever I listened to the track, I got to think about this happy significant other, about this loving relationship where both people are on great terms with each other. Like, even if the time goes by, we still like each other, you still make my heart flutter – I was wondering how I could express that kind of feeling. And you know how these days TV series and movies tend to have seasons, right? Hence the word “season” came to me quite naturally, too. Like, season 1 was successful, and now we’re at season 2. You know, you usually get to season 2 only if season 1 goes well, right? And if season 2 is successful, you’ll get to season 3. I thought of this kind of positive effect.

Ah, so let’s say we have this special someone you met last summer, and that summer was season 1. And now that you’ve reached this summer, a year later, you’ve spent all this time really well, and I got the idea that continuously, this summer can be like season 2. I thought that Season 2 was a good keyword and from there, and the song was complete within 1 or 2 hours like vroom.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I was really ambitious about this song. Compared to my Korean guide version, I actually wasn’t as satisfied with the final recorded version. But when that happens, there’s someone more professional than me nearby, and in this case, there were staff members whose opinion I just had to take into consideration. Back then, Super Changddai said that if I didn’t like it, of course, we could record it again, but first, let’s try and do something about it from the technical perspective. And as we did some tuning and mixing, the final result got better and better. Of course, if the original source is good, the song comes out well. And since I really wanted to show the fans that original feeling I felt while listening to the track, I think the production process was slightly silly. But, well, since the final result still came out the way I wanted… It’s a song that I became comfortable with in the middle of working on it.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. When you look at the overall stage set for this concert, I think this song is probably the track that influenced the stage setting the most. When I was thinking about its performance, I imagined inviting the fans to my own seaside. I included by favourite colour blue on stage, without it becoming overbearing. I wanted it to resemble the sky that gets reflected on a river or a sea. I aimed for something refreshing, this refreshing summer feeling. So, the image that I had in my mind while making Season 2 was really strong, and the song helped me a lot when I had to come up with the stage image.

Q. How do you want everyone to feel when they listen to this song?

A. I hope that this song feels like a refreshing cold drink or ice-cream on a hot and humid summer day.

********************************************************

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #4

04.  Just Be You

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. When it comes to Just Be You, when I was thinking about the fans, I wondered how I could convey the most positive message to them. How I could give them strength. From this, I ended up writing Just Be You. Also, it’s something that the fans often tell me. Either through the SNS or through letters, they often tell me, “Wooyoung, I like you just the way you are.” I think this is exactly what inspired me.

Q. Any behind the scenes of this song’s production process?

A. I wrote this song before enlisting in the military service. I wrote it thinking it’d be nice to include it in an album in the future, to tell such story to my fans. So, it’s a very old song. Hence, in order to not sound old or corny, there were some things that required editing and tweaking. For that, my best friend composer Super Changddai worked a lot on it to make it sound new and fresh.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. Since this is a song for the fans, there is this part in the final verse, where I’m having a give and take with the fans. I say “Are you okay?” and the Hottest go “Yes, I’m OK.” This kind of exchange. Rather than using some other female backing vocalist, I was wondering whether I could find some other interesting element for it. Some kind of element that, later on, we could make into an unforgettable memory. So, I asked RIMA from NiziU for a favour. I know that she’s really good at rapping. That she has a rather unique voice with a certain character. And since there was no way to record Hottest’s voices at the time, I wanted her to stand in for the Hottest role and have this small exchange with me. That was my difficult request.

It must’ve been a hard mission for RIMA, too. Although it was a very small part, she practiced a lot for it. To be honest, it was a bit embarrassing to ask for such a favour when the part was just that. I said “RIMA, your voice is going to substitute for our fans, Hottest. It’s a very important part.”

RIMA worked really hard on it, and musically the song was complete well. And… Then our recording studio engineers, JYP JAPAN and Sony Music staff… All of their voices are in this song. There’s a thing called “chants” or “sing along.” I needed a sing along, so I asked everyone who was there at the time for a favour. Like, “Would you mind doing it together?” They all entered the recording studio, and 7 or 8 people recorded it while constantly changing their positions. I think they must’ve been really flustered, but they gladly agreed to do it.

So, the production process itself was really fun, I received a lot of help from the nice members of staff around me.

Q. Any episodes while preparing for the tour?

A. I made the song while thinking about the fans, but musically, the fans were supposed to hear it for the first time. So, since the fans would be hearing the song for the first time, they would’ve been flustered if I suddenly asked them to jump along. Hence, I decided to make it into a stage where I show what the song is like, by working the most on the choreography as the base of the song’s performance.

Q. What kind of thoughts does this fan-song carry?

A. This song’s lyrics carry the image of someone extremely lovely, who is watching someone they love and find them just as lovely, very cute and pretty. And because their feelings get reflected, it makes one’s heart flutter even more, and both sides give each other strength. So, when the fans feel tired or worn out, frustrated or when they find themselves in a difficult situation, I hope this song gives them at least a little bit of comfort. I hope the song’s message, “you all are enough just the way you are” reaches them.

********************************************

WOOYOUNG'S RECORDS TALK #5

5. Kimi no betsu no namae (Your other name)

Q. Please introduce the song.

A. From the musical element’s perspective, I don’t think this song matches the current generation well. However, it is definitely a dance song with a retro feel. Ever since I started working on it, I think I just wanted to make a dance song with this kind of retro vibe. Not a refined composition appropriate for nowadays, but a song that brings back the past vibe. You know, like generational musical. Something that would make you think about generational music with strong retro vibes. I wanted to make that kind of a dance song. So, in a sense, it might not feel fresh, and some might say that it’s not sophisticated, but it’s a song I stubbornly wanted to make.

Q. This song comes with a Japanese title. What kind of thoughts did you want to include there?

A. For someone who dances, after Off the Record, this is like a 2nd title song for me. I always… well, this will apply to many other singers, whenever you release an album after an album, the hardest thing is to come up with what you want to show next by keeping in mind what you’ve already shown. Before you think of what kind of music you want to make, you have to come up with the image you want to show. And when you worry about things like that, especially from a dancer’s perspective, it’s really hard to come up with the kind of dance you want to show, the kind of dance music you want to create. So, from the point of these musical concerns, it’s a song that I rather egoistically pushed forward. There was no way it could’ve become a title track *chuckles* but it felt like it might get some limelight one day; it carries my own K-pop feel. My own ambition.

Q. Any episodes during the recording?

A. I thought I’d be done with the song really easily. I was recording every day, and while working on other songs, I couldn’t schedule recording for this one. So, I ended up working overtime for the editing and tweaking, working overtime with the engineers. I recorded it in between other things. After recording it once, I wasn’t satisfied with the final result, so I re-recorded it. So, this song took some effort to complete.

Q. How did you try to express the song in the choreography?

A. I told my performance directing team, it would be great if it gave off the old-days’ vibe, although I didn’t know exactly which old-days I was talking about… But I just wanted it to have this dance song, this dance idol feel. I put a lot of pressure on them saying it should have this feeling with no compromises or excuses. So, the choreography in the chorus was built in order for it to resemble something from the old days.

Q. How do you want people to feel when they listen to this song?

A. This song might feel a little bit serious, but it’s a song that reminds you of a confession to the person you love. So, just imagine me dance for the first time in a long while, and I hope you receive strength from this song when you need some energy, hope you feel excited and energized.

 Message to Hottest

This is a special album, Off the Record, that came out for the first time in a long while. If the songs from this album give you strength in your everyday life, I will be satisfied. In order for you to feel my intentions I will work hard on my activities until the end. I will also try to make the concerts an enjoyable experience for you all. I am always working hard for you all. These sentiments are also present in this album. Enjoy listening to the album*. Bye bye~ Annyeong~

 *T/N.: Here he said “work hard,” and the Japanese subs had additional explanatory parentheses: “(Everyone, work hard on listening to the album too).”

Kor-Eng: Egle0702 (+ a tiny bit of Japanese)

#Wooyoung #2pm #off the record #wooyoung's records talk #translation #wooyoung interview #wooyoung off the record

[kurtzbergsiblings]

Five characters, five tags

Jane Prentiss, The Magnus Archives: how many times have I listened to Hive? Too many. The past five to six months, she’s been a really strange comfort character for me because I see so much of myself in her. I too am the awkward witch woman who can’t keep friends and wants so desperately to be loved, feel useful and not like someone’s burden. I really can’t blame her for falling for the hive’s song considering I too would probably end up a nursery for wasp larvae. …except I usually prefer my corruption self-insert to have flowers instead of buggies. But… Mina the mun gets in her feels about Jane and is feeling about her currently

John Doe, Freddy’s Dead: he’s a blank slate, and that’s part of the charm, man. However, something else that’s just so wonderful about him is that he’s both the smartest member of the group and the dumbest. Most people focus on the dumbest because it seems the most obvious, but even if he got the wrong conclusion, he’s still the one who picked up all the clues everyone else ignored. Plus, he’s so trans coded, which is fun

Messers. Storm and Tender, American Murder Song: they have to share a space because they’re a package deal. I love a band with lore and I love historical recreation, which spawned my love for the first album. Plus the idea of immortal balladeers is just so funky fresh, and putting them with Cain from Abrahamic religions (made gender-fluid or a woman in this canon)? 10/10. We love making fun of dead people with the help of two dead people. Wish I’d discovered them before the Pandemic caused their indefinite hiatus 🙃

Caleb Widogast, Critical Role: comfort character central. I am the most anxious little gifted kid burnout bisexual weirdo, so I totally am relating to him. But also I want to smooch him? And Liam gives him a lovely voice and such a sad story with a beautiful arc. There’s something so comforting about seeing him heal enough to love people again. Jane helps me when I need to feel hopeless for a bit, Caleb helps me realize I’m not truly hopeless. I actually got one of those F/O or comfort character letters from him like two years ago and I read it when I feel low because that man has my hopeless romantic academic ass in a chokehold

Marius Renathyr, Legend of Avantris: another tortured dnd man I’m down bad for. You may see I have a type in fictional men. It was so hard to pick a favorite LoA character, but his vampiric ways and Arthurian knight references have entranced me. His flaws are so human even when technically they’re superhuman/inhuman, and it makes him such a compelling character to watch going through his trials, because unlike your typical Arthurian knight, he doesn’t have that support system, so his guilt festers and creates this gothic hero out of chivalry. Which. Two of my favorite tropes to play with, so blending them together is so fun.

Tagged by: @deafandstoned

Tagging: @oughtabeinpxctures , @phantomcurtaincall , @horrorsintern , @birdhouse-in-thesoul , @w-o-r-d-s--f-a-i-l :3

[mueritos]

TW: trauma and terf mention

How do you cope with seeing terfs/transphobes on tumblr? Sometimes I find myself basically doomscrolling when I come across their shit and I know it’s bad for me but sometimes I get scared that they’re right. It’s that internalized transphobia I guess, because being someone who went through trauma related to my agab I get worried I only “think I’m a man” because of that. It’s even worse because I’ve been questioning whether I’m actually nonbinary since getting on T made me less dysphoric but I’ve had a desire to present femininely with the main thing holding me back being how others perceive me. I get that this is entirely a “me thing” so don’t feel obligated to respond lol

I think familiarizing yourself with counterpoints to your existence can be traumatic, but its also important to know them so you know how theyre wrong. I get lots of brain rotted terfs in my inbox telling me all kinds of things. I'll read it and laugh, maybe respond to it and show them i dont care, but then I let myself forget about what I read. I know that can be hard, but when youre a marginalized person, you kind have to learn to compartmentalize that kind of stuff in ur head, or else you're gonna start doubting yourself and your morals. I've done the research into transness, I've read and researched and presented on indigenous trans identities and how trans people have been around since forever...and it is that knowledge that keeps me sane and keeps me grounded and happy. That is confirmation enough that I am right and they are wrong. If transness was wrong, then why do I see it in history, in culture, in language, and in nature? Find things that help confirm that for you, whether it be a community, a book, a song, a poem, etc. Once you know that terfs/transphobes are anti-truth, you realize that you really don't need much but yourself to prove them wrong :)

#muertoresponds #trans stuff

[riiverstyyx-blog]

twst ace fluff oneshot?

you've got it :]!

In which Ace has a, “I have a girlfriend! You wouldn’t know them, they go to another school-!” moment,

Warnings: Fluff fluff fluff, mentions of transphobia(clownfish are all born male, i’m making y/n/you trans), 

Song: Run Away to Mars, TALK

“do you really think someone could like you enough to be with you long distance?”

okay, ouch. ace trappolia knows burns better than anyone else, and he has to admit that deuce got him with that one. but seriously, is he really that bad of a person? would he lie about being in a relationship?

actually, he would prefer you don’t answer that.

honestly, he would have told them about you the first time you met, but the situation sounds completely and utterly fake.

‘yeah, so i have this girlfriend who goes to another school and i met them at museum when azul made us rob the place. turns out that guards grandkid’s friend was dropping off lunch when i was milking the ‘littlest mermaid’ story.’

seriously, who would believe that? 

his mom, that’s who.

when ace told his mom about you, the woman was hanging onto his every word. he wasn’t surprised she couldn’t believe him, so she was the first person he allowed to meet you.

you’re a merperson, specifically from a family of ghost clown fish.

in the sea, clownfish often aren’t taken seriously in any aspect. their unruly spots catch your eyes no matter how hard they try to hide it, and it is common knowledge that they are all born male, which for some reason seems to invite ‘conversation’.

more specifically, argumentative discussions.

ace has long since learned how life has treated you. how your family has always supported you: your art exhibits, your explorative endeavors, and most importantly, your transition. and yet the rest of your community continues to find faults in everything you do, associating it with the only part of you that no one else should care for.

he can vividly remember the first time he went to visit you. he hadn’t expected to meet your fathers so soon, but when you had called him while bubbling and sobbing in hysterics, he wasn’t going to just wait to come help you.

he recalls how terrified he was when a merman with a ripped fin and a blind eye opened the door, glaring down at him as if he were protecting something precious. ace only knows now that he was.

when your father realized who he was, he was quick to usher the red-head into their home, motioning to the closed door where his husband sat, consoling their dearest clownfish through the wood.

‘you’re ace?’ he had asked with no sense of displeasure.

‘that’s me.’ ace should have shot himself in the foot for how cocky he sounded.

but that was all it took for the door to open and the fish to swim into his arms, nuzzling their face into his chest with a whine of contentment.

he likes to think that was the day that set your relationship in stone. he knew that he would be there for you whenever, and however you may need him, and that was a promise he made to himself.

it seemed like you made the same one, though.

as he’s seated in ramshackle with one arm on the back of the couch and his phone in his hand, he can still hear deuces exasperated complaining about his lies and grims cackling, but he doesn’t care. his attention is focused on the typing bubbles in your chat room, the ones that have been there for maybe five minutes, and yet no message had been sent.

he was utterly terrified, but he was lucky.

before his thoughts could race and he could poison himself with his own self-doubt, their was a knock on the door.

yuu stood, glancing at ace and deuce with a rose brow. “are either of you expecting anyone?”

ace’s eyes never left his phone, he only offers a half-hearted shrug.

“no, cater and trey are studying for an exam and riddle is helping ruggie study.” deuce said.

the prefect hums, quickly heading toward the door and opening it with furrowed brows. they are nearly positive they’ve never seen you before. and why are you dripping water onto their dorm mat?”

“hi, can i help you?”

you cleared your throat with flushed cheeks. “uh- is ace here?”

it’s as if your voice was magical, because yuu was sure that if you were teaching the classes ace would have a passing grade.

the red-heads eyes shot up, lips parting before quickly forming a grin as he drops his phone, speeding toward you. “what’re you doing here?”

“you don’t want to see me?” you challenge.

“of course i want to see you! but like, don’t you have class?”

you rolled your eyes. you know he’s aware of your schooling being in the evenings.

“you know i don’t.” you grin. “i’m here to drop some baked goods off with ashengrotto. he placed and order, but didn’t seem to realize that i’ve never been on your campus before, so i’ve been wandering for maybe thirty minutes before i got hit by the rain and a kind ghost pointed me to this creepy dorm!”

ace snorted, a lovesick smile resting on his face. “how about i take you to monstro lounge?”

you gasp. “oh my! asking me on a date without dad and papas permission? how unruly!”

“you and i both know i already have their blessing,” he laughs, intertwining your hands.

before you two could make it out the door, grim screamed - literally. “who are you?!”

you blinked once. twice. “uh. his girlfriend?”

and all hell broke loose.

“are you serious?”

“-how much did he pay you!”

“do you want me to call someone for you?”

the smile on your lips twitched momentarily before you tugged ace toward the door. “yes, i’m serious, he isn’t paying me anything, and no, i’m quite alright. papas gonna pick me up at the reef after my deliveries, he’s aware that i’m meeting ace, so he knows i’m safe.”

ace’s dopey grin remained on his face the entire way to the monstro lounge.

no matter how annoying floyd was, or how terrifying jade was, he really couldn’t find it in him to care. not once did you let go of his hand, and not once did his mind leave you.

#Ace Trappola #TWST #Twisted Wonderland #TWST Ace #Twisted Wonderland Ace #TWST Ace Trappola #Twisted Wonderland Ace Trappola #Ace x reader #Ace Trappola x reader

[delicris]

ohhh, bolts and nuts! a very curious title, i'm intrigued 👀

BOLTS AND NUTS MY BABY

wolfstar, explicit, CZECH REMUS

this one is a modern au that takes place in my home country czechia!! it's a v bittersweet story of many first and last times. a lot of czech culture and references to it, i took the title itself from a czech song called šrouby a matice. the whole thing is written retrospectively (and from remus' pov), which is a choice i made to show that the story has already been told and there is nothing u can do to change it... right?

some of the tags include: gasps AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED, slice of life, trans sirius black and comfort (a huge motif, i love writing about different types of comfort and the additional feelings it brings)

THE PINTEREST BOARD HAS ALMOST 600 PINS AND I AM SO PROUD OF IT

aaand a lil snippet for u. featuring remus's gay panic and sirius acting out a train:

“Oh, um… I’m sorry? I don’t speak a word of Czech and I do realize that’s like one of the rudest fucking things ever — I can’t even say ‘thank you’, how did I think I was going to do this? Anyways, point is… You speak any English?”

Now it’s Remus’s turn to stare because one, it’s too early for this, as we’ve established a billion and one times before, and two, how the fuck did he watch this guy and didn’t catch the English swearing… And before he can even properly blink his shock away, the stranger is talking yet again.

“Fuck, okay… I,” he starts, fumbling a little and pointing at himself, “ticket, um… fuck. Train, uh… shoo shoo,” he tries to vocalize and act out a train. And Remus just fucking loses it, laughing so earnestly, surprising both the man in front of him and himself as he brings the attention of the entire three other people who are standing at the station with them towards the two of them. He doesn’t mind it a single bit and chokes out: “I know English, but now I wish I kept that going for a little longer.” Which might be a rude thing to say to someone you’ve met literally seconds ago, but he can’t bring himself to care all that much as he tries to catch his breath and regain at least some leftover dignity. And, to his delight, this whole thing actually makes the guy in front of him laugh. Oh, he’s so fucking beautiful.

Now he can make out the finer details of… everything. His earrings are stacked on both of his ears, a mix of silver and gold which is present in every piece of jewellery he’s wearing. Under the leather jacket is hiding a flowy white shirt with way too many buttons opened, making room for the chest tattoos — all in all, Remus is fucked. But he can’t let himself get embarrassed, so as soon as the man starts talking, he stops staring like a kid in a candy store.

“Now that you’re done laughing at my piss poor attempts at acting out a train,” he starts, tone playful and a smile spreading across his cheeks, “I’d really appreciate if you’d help me out with this fucking thing. Need to buy a ticket to Budapest and this fucker isn’t doing its job.”

#fic: bolts and nuts (a connection for eternity) #ugh i love them sm #my fav wolfstar i've ever rotated around in my head fr #could talk about them for hourssss #these bitches r so tragic RAAAAAAAAH

[skruffie]

connected and reconnecting

A few days ago I saw this frankly insufferable person here on tumblr that was trying to carve out their blog to be a safe space centering Indigenous people who are already connected in their communities and saying that those who are reconnecting need to be aware of that, and I’m just really very curious about what exactly that means and what purpose that is meant to serve?

Ages ago when I was still unwinding my own family history I saw a lot of perspectives on what it means to be reconnecting over on Native twitter and opinions vary: some people are tired of the mainstream narrative being people “discovering” their ancestral heritage and writing article after article about what they’re learning and all the trauma their family endured that buried their stories. Other people pointed out that because of colonization, everyone is still reconnecting to some degree even if you’re a pure rez kid. We’re all reconnecting because there is an overwhelming amount of information, culture, language, etc that has been lost. That second point gave me a feeling of like... not closure, but it helped put to ease some of the fear that I’ve felt in trying to reconnect in my own way. We’ve all suffered tremendously but to varying degrees.

But with this one blog phrasing it, it was done particular to sound like you’re taking up space because you don’t have The Connection. Like it’s your fault. Putting it out there like if you’re disconnected then you’re tainted or problematic is incredibly fucking harmful. Also, the other thing is how are you going to know when you’re fully reconnected and revitalized in your communities?

On Saturday I went down to Seattle for an MMIW march and there was a woman going through the crowd before we took to the streets who was smudging and praying over every single person who showed up. I watched and could start to see who was familiar with smudging based off of what they did. The white allies mostly held still, but the Indigenous people were cupping the smoke over their bodies as if pouring water over them. That second one is the protocol, from my understanding of what I’ve learned, is what you do and I had this little moment when she approached me where I realized a couple years ago I wouldn’t think to do that. I’m still thousands of miles from my ancestral communities but there’s community here. It’s intertribal, but this is another way to reconnect. You show up for the people around you even if you’re all different nations. Am I disconnected because I don’t speak Yurok or Michif or am I connected because I can march with the urban ndns in Seattle? What’s the limit there?

The other realization I had, which makes me feel incredibly sad, is that I’ve been wanting to travel to Montana to meet with cousins and learn more culture stuff but in light of the anti-trans movement picking up rapid speed I’m not sure if it’s actually safe for me to go there anymore. It’s not safe for Alice. I have no idea if my kin would actually be accepting if I go “by the way hope you’re cool with trans stuff”, so forget asking about like... how you determine if you’re two spirit, how to powwow dance, learning language, learning songs, being a drum keeper (something I am especially interested in).

#anyway the blog has been blocked because jesus fucking christ

[biglisbonnews]

JASPER Channels Anger Into Change on 'Redefined' What can't JASPER do?The self-taught producer and songwriter just dropped his first single, "Redefined," on Trans Day of Visibility. The song is an ode to queer people's rage and capacity for change, in a time when so much feels uncertain and out of our control. Besides that, it's also incredibly catchy.Born in the small Irish Catholic town of Pearl River, Jasper launched Peace & Power, a clothing brand featuring shirts and jeans emblazoned with the question: "DYKES ONLY. Men... who needs 'em?" He tapped into fashion design when he began his transition, which became a vehicle for self-expression for his fully realized self. "There was not a single top I felt good in until after I got top surgery," he tells PAPER. "So you can probably imagine how when I started feeling good in clothes for the first time it was like, 'Woah! Wait a minute!'"During the pandemic, Jasper told himself, "I have all this time now," and got to work on crafting how he always wanted his music to sound: "I'm gonna sit in this chair until something doesn't sound like shit." Soon, he moved to LA, where he began collaborating with other artists and "quickly fell in love with producing for people with similar stories."Below, read PAPER's interview with JASPER below and check out the exclusive premiere of his first single, "Redefined."Congrats on the new single! How does it feel to have your first track out, officially?I feel like it’s a moment in my life I’ve been waiting on for so many years. This whole thing happened pretty fast actually. I thought everything I did just sucked or something. But then I showed my now-manager "Redefined" and didn't think much of it. They just went, “You have to release this on Trans Day of Visibility." They helped me get everything together and now the beginning of February feels like a different life. I’ve been looking for this first single for years.I just never thought anything was good enough. I’ve been way too precious about my music and you can only ever really say that in hindsight. I haven't released anything since before I transitioned when I was a kid, so it’s my first step into the industry and my artistry as my real self. It’s huge! I honestly couldn’t be more proud of the song.I hear you're self-taught as a music producer — how’d you get your start?During the pandemic, I decided like... I've always known exactly how I want my music to sound and I have all this time now. I’m gonna sit in this chair until something doesn’t sound like shit. Which ended up being really clutch timing because I had just started hormones and producing my own voice became essential to me not just cleanly giving up on myself after my voice started to become really hard to sing with. It was just tight all the time and my confidence really plummeted. I wondered how I would ever be who I wanted to be since I couldn’t sing how I used to. I think that’s why I started producing. Once I got to LA and started working with other artists, I quickly fell in love with producing for people with similar stories to mine. Now it’s like I can’t imagine not being a producer.The shared personal histories of trans people who grow up in hateful places, and the anger they can foster in us, feel potent in a time like this. What experiences did you tap into while penning “Redefined?"I really was sitting with all this anger from growing up in a town, like so many of us came from, where we didn’t seem to really fit in with anyone. Feeling so misunderstood, you just start to feel angry at everyone, and then you finally find that one queer person that you can share everything with and for the first time life feels not so heavy. It’s half a love song to everyone who has been that for me and half a love song to the community in general. As queer people, we’re all in some way taught that we’re not good enough. And we have to then spend a huge portion of our lives “redefining” who we are to ourselves. Even if we had accepting parents, the culture is still so hostile to us that we have that shared trauma together, even if it’s not from our own homes. In a time like this, accepting ourselves and finding joy in who we are is completely revolutionary. It’s survival, especially in a small town. The song is, over everything, an expression of queer joy.The heart of the song, to me, is the bridge. “I wanna drive with you right through the south screaming out 'come on try to hurt me now.' The song is about not letting anger consume you. Not letting anger rot us from the inside out and weigh us down every day of our lives. It’s a reminder that our biggest strength is staying soft. Being tender. And finding a rage that wants to empower, push forward and build, not devastate. The only way to get through to all of these people building these spaces to keep us out, I think, is by leading with the heart. One of my favorite lines from the song is: “I’m finding out that God’s a pretty shitty excuse for saying anything you want.” Did religion play a big role in your life growing up?I grew up in a very Irish Catholic town called Pearl River. My parents really weren't religious but it’s hard when it’s all around you. If they were religious, it was more out of being scared to not be than actual belief in all of it. I mean, eternal damnation is some don’t-mess-with-it type of business. I find myself writing so much about religion, less because of how I grew up and more because of how people use something that is so loving and benevolent, something that’s supposed to connect us all, to be so full of shit. There’s barely a place on earth some sort of anti-LGBT religious ideology hasn’t touched. I think a person's idea of what they think god is and what god wants is most closely going to embody who they are and what they want. And they’re gonna hide behind religion to say it. You also have a clothing line, Peace & Power, which has been worn by the likes of Halsey. Were you always interested in fashion?Looking back, yes. But I’d never thought about fashion for the first 20-plus years of my life! I only really tapped into this love for it, which I guess had been there the whole time, when I started my transition. Which was only about three years ago. It was like when you figure out you’re gay or trans or something and you look back and go, Oh wow, how did I not see that one? I think it took me so long to figure out because fashion, to me, is this relationship with yourself of adorning your body, and I barely even liked looking in the mirror. There was not a single top I felt good in until after I got top surgery. So you can probably imagine how when I started feeling good in clothes for the first time it was like, “Woah! Wait a minute!” Especially after I started hormones and my face started changing, I started recognizing myself for the first time. I found my style for the first time, instead of just covering up and wearing things only to hide what I didn’t like. All of the clothes I had worn as a "girl" that didn’t quite feel right on me all of a sudden felt so right after transitioning! Like skirts and even makeup! I finally got to wear things the way I wanted. Fashion is a love I’ve always had but never got to explore until I went on hormones. What’s next for you?That's a crazy question to hear because five weeks ago I had absolutely no plans to release... and now I’m doing an interview with PAPER. I couldn't possibly imagine what’s next! These past weeks have been the craziest weeks of my life between promo and keeping up with the shop. I just hope people love the song and find it cathartic, and that if I ever get to play it live for a bunch of people it feels like gay church. My hope for this song is that some kid in a little town in Alabama can hear this through their headphones and feel so so enamored with whoever they are and so, so tearfully happy to be queer.Photography by Ren Shelburne https://www.papermag.com/jasper-redefined-tdov-2659695627.html

#Jasper #Trans day of visibility #Trans #Music #New music friday #Joan Summers #PAPER

[clockworksteel]

Was thinking of just not posting anything this week, but I've felt rather melancholy this evening. I guess despite saying these wouldn't be regular I am, after all, clockwork. Oh, and tw: dysphoria below the cut.

Before getting to that, though, I did look through some gender neutral names early in the week. If forced to pick one immediately I'd go with Cypress, but it's probably a topic to revisit, since something feels a bit off still. Tree names are a bit of a thing in the family and it would be kinda neat to join that, but... well, I was already thinking of just never letting my family know so maybe considering them in the name doesn't make sense.

And yes, I changed my profile picture since last post, on Thursday evening.

On Tuesday I briefly saw myself as a woman in the mirror. I was looking at an angle that didn't include my face and had the oversized T-shirt + hoodie combination I'd mentioned before, then made a little hip movement.

It was nice for that moment, but I soon looked up and saw my face, then was mildly to moderately sad for about 3 hours. Usually my reaction to looking at myself in the mirror is "that's my brother's face", which had sometimes been a little jarring, but not upsetting. At some point that day I went and listened to good little girl but it's a full song and I think it helped a little.

I... think I've crossed the point where I know too much to ever turn back. I guess out of the old "Rubicon tasks" I've done about half of what I thought was locked by now. Specifically, I told my housemate I was questioning, did an entire route in an otome game, and tried a little voice training (might be good to get back to that... could watch a second video or something). So yeah, maybe should've expected this by now.

...on the other hand, I'm still having thoughts of "What if I'm still faking everything and I'd hate actually identifying as something else?" so maybe brains don't make sense. I even know the common response is "faking something requires intent to fake it" because that question comes up so often on r/egg_irl, which I still check for new posts almost every day (or sometimes multiple times a day). Knowing the response doesn't help as much as it seems like it should.

I realized this week that any statement of gender at all feels like a lie to me at the moment, but I'm not sure I want to be agender. That "feels like a lie" includes trying to go back to "I am a man". I may not know what I am, but that one is definitely not it. I'm just totally un-anchored. I can't definitively say at this time whether feminine things are of interest to me because being a woman is my ideal state or because I'm just desperate to be something.

I think even if I can agree with statements like "You don't have to earn your gender or be 'trans enough' to identify as something" I'm still personally in a bit of a catch 22 where there's an endless loop of "I'm not X, I've never been X before". There's also a feeling of "Even if I was invited to a girls' night for some reason, I'd feel completely out of place."

Maybe I need some validation. Lately I often wonder if anybody has ever noticed anything odd besides my posts to tumblr.

...I feel like this post doesn’t flow well but I keep trying to rearrange it and maybe confusion just isn’t meant to flow well.

#clockwork-gender

[sodomitecastiel]

Do you have any recommended spn fics? To be restored is consuming all of my non fenario brainspace

This is in no way an exhaustive list - @jewishcharliebradbury is the one to go for that - but these are some favorites of mine, please always heed their tags just in case!

Putting it under a readmore because I'm a wordy bastard:

Sky Verse by starandrea: Angelic civil war! The crispest, most in-character dialogue! Vast, sprawling worldbuilding! Dean and Cas get together and are very bad at it for a long time! This series obsesses me the way other people are obsessed with dta (which I have not read for fear of commitment but fully intend to eventually).

To Be Restored by serenetyfails: You mentioned this one already but it's worth repeating - it's my favorite trans spn fic that I didn't write myself. Cas's transmasc identity is handled so carefully and so competently, Dean flips out in a way that's both in character and still kind to him, and Sam and Rowena are wonderfully fleshed out. I think many people would look at the premise and worry it's either misogynistic or fetishy, but it's neither, it's such a love letter to Cas's well-earned masculinity. Also, I'm obsessed with Rowena knowing and being buddies with a lot of trans women witches :)

Talk Therapy by shara: This is one of my favorite 'Dean is bad at asking for things' fics, it deals with his inability to want things past what he can give to others really well. I also appreciate that not everything in their relationship is fixed just because they're together, although the amount they love each other is always obvious.

Epilogue by JayneL: A weird little time travel story that is NOT a fixit for endverse, but is exceptionally kind to endverse Cas anyway. It aches very badly. I remember it being pretty trippy but also having to sit and look at the ceiling a while after reading it.

The Love Story of the Runner Up by Margo_Kim: Cas dates a normal human man with a good soul for a little while before he gets with Dean. Both of them know it isn't for forever, but they look after each other anyway. Told through the lens of story-swapping between gay friends and written with so much care & love. (You can thank @okologie for finding this one and making me read it despite my reservations.)

where the weeds take root by deathbanjo: Everyone recommends this fic but it's for a reason. Probably the best post-retirement fic there is, and definitely helped me form the neural connections to write Fenario, haha, I can't recommend this one enough. The complicated Dean and Sam issues are held with just as much weight as the Dean and Cas ones, although both are handled gently.

you and me in the war of the end times by stickthelanding (@tallahasseemp3): Alma knocked it out of the park with this one. THEE shotgunning fic. I've reread it more times than I can count, it has the loveliest atmosphere. I want to gnaw on this prose, said with love!

A Drinking Song by Balder12: Endverse snapshot. This one is mostly just bone hurting juice but it's one of my favorite characterizations of them - sometimes I find that endverse stories either make Cas way too soft or fucked up in a way I find goes too far in a direction I don't agree with, this one feels pitch perfect.

Everyone Is Trying to Get to the Bar by Balder12: All time fave angel true form fic!!! It's deliciously weird and fun, definitely a mind-melter. I only read it the once but sometimes I think about it and get a funny little shiver.

Tall Grass by aeli_kindara: This is another 'universal favorite', but also for good reason. Extraordinarily tender, it's my personal favorite Cas-grows-a-garden post canon story, especially because it manages to write a jealousy plotline that doesn't make me want to bite and kill. Dean's voice is exactly right and everything unfurls with this tender inevitability, idk how else to describe it! It also ends on a final image that's so lovely it's seared into my brain.

Dean (and Cas') Top 13 Zepp Traxx by pantheon_of_discord: Nobody does vignettes like supernatural writers. I love the way the road feels in this one, and how carefully picked each moment is. A string of pearls, this fic.

There's Only One Sure Thing That I Know by blinkiesays: Dean and Cas get trapped in the midwest by a curse that doesn't let them leave the state, and they want to break it until they don't. Being trapped gives them an excuse to want to settle down, but the route they take to get there is, of course, circuitous. This one hurts a little because it takes place while Sam is dead, but it isn't gratuitous in its sadness. Sweet and melancholy.

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo: FAVE FAVE FAVE FAVE. I push this one at everyone I can. I'm extremely picky about 'Dean's self loathing' fics, mainly because I think it can veer easily into melodrama, but this author weaves Dean's self hatred and his anger together very seamlessly, in a way that feels real to the show. Also, Cas is perfect.

sweeter coming from my hand by perilously: A story that I liked before Nov5 and withstood the test of time!! Dean and Cas get married/soul-bound in order to both remove the Mark of Cain and fix Cas's grace. Features a formative scene for me where Cas expresses worries about if he has a soul and Dean raps knuckles on his chest, going, "knock knock, sounds like a soul in there." If you like this one, perilously has many good fics that are just as in character.

On Labor by a_good_soldier: I very nearly couldn't finish this one, but not because it's bad, haha. The premise just makes me want to tear my clothes in mourning - Dean knows Cas is in love with him, after getting him back from the Empty, and decides that he should give him what he wants without realizing that he wants it too. Dean performatively dating Cas while trying to talk himself into liking it (not knowing that he does actually like it) is exactly the kind of convoluted bullshit Dean's internalized homophobia would do to him. Nauseating and spectacular. Sticks in your brain for weeks.

canticles by 2street2car: An excellent 'weird girl best friends' fic. After striking out at the brothel, Dean decides to treat Cas to the "first date experience" himself, since the guy might die the next day. To sum it up succinctly: the rituals are intricate. And dirty dancing is referenced!

we shovel all the ashes out by xylodemon: As the author states themself, this fic is a love letter to California - it's a road trip casefic that's so rooted in place, the setting is rich and lush and the atmosphere makes me ache, and not just because it's set in my home state! I saved this one for last because this is another prolific author who has many stories I come back to again and again (Sweet Home and Love: A Retrospective are particularly good), they really don't miss. Usually when I read fic, it's a mad dash to the finish, but I took my time with this one. I highly encourage you to do the same :)

#dear god. ok. this got long #if u want more recs i mean it alie is Thee fic reccer i trust #but these are some gems i carry around w me :) #nathaniel.txt #answered #fic rec

[expectingtofly]

Painted Nails and Pride

1.7k

internalized homophobia, john being an a**hole, bisexual dean, found family, happy ending

written for day 7 of @spnprideweek

Music boomed from the park down the street and Dean tried to focus on the newspapers spread out before him, front pages covered with news about a bear attack at a campsite a few miles west. Not actually a bear attack, of course. From the tracks they’d seen when they hiked out there yesterday, Dad's money was on wendigo.

Cheering drew his eyes from the table where he, Sam, and Dad sat outside a restaurant to the people heading down the sidewalk towards the music. Banners on streetlights along the road proclaimed that today marked Roseville's 3rd Annual Pride Parade. His eyes snagged on a group of kids his own age standing on the street corner, hugging and talking excitedly. One boy had painted nails and wore a cropped shirt that exposed his midriff. As he talked with his friends, he looked around, and his eyes met Dean’s. He smiled at him, and Dean ducked his head, face burning.

An announcer’s voice echoed down the street. “Welcome to Pride,” the voice boomed. Dean folded and unfolded the corner of the newspaper, listening to the cheering, rotating the ring on his thumb around and around.

Dad snorted, and Dean glanced up at him. Arms crossed, leaning back in his chair, he watched the proceedings with a scowl on his face. Dean studied the newspapers more intently, underlining words just to look like he was doing something productive. Part of him wanted to go down to the parade, just to see what it was all about, but that was ridiculous. Only affirmed by a derogatory comment Dad made low under his breath about the people in the street.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed verbally, jostling his leg under the table. He glanced sideways at Sam, who was giving Dad a glare. Dean gave him a look that meant, don’t start, but Sam ignored him.

“Don’t say that,” he said, and Dean froze, eyes snapping to their father. Dad pulled his eyes from the street to Sam, giving him a long, steady look.

“What?” he asked after a long moment. “You one of them?”

Sam only held his gaze for a second before it seemed his courage failed. He ducked his head. “No,” he mumbled, kicking at the table leg.

Dad stared at him for another long moment, expressionless, before turning his journal around and dropping it in front of Sam. “Shut up and make yourself useful. Sooner we figure out what’s killing these folks, sooner we can get out of this goddamn town.”

He waved down the waitress for another drink, and Dean glared at Sam, who was absently thumbed through the journal pages. Returning to his own work, he snapped one newspaper closed and opened another, skimmed an article about the victim’s family. The words didn’t really make sense in his head, though, and too soon he found himself watching the people in the street again. The boy who’d smiled at him had disappeared, though, probably watching the parade.

Finding a one-off line in an article about rumors of a strange being haunting the woods, he circled it and handed the newspaper across the table.

“Nice work,” Dad said, taking the paper, but instead of the usual warmth from his praise, Dean only felt sick.

He felt about the same now, standing in Jody’s kitchen—off to the side so he wouldn’t be in the way during the frenzied preparations to attend the Sioux Falls Pride Parade. Music played from Patience’s phone, some song he recognized from Cas constantly turning the radio dial to the pop music station. Sam helped Kaia finish a sign decorated with the lesbian flag, and Eileen signed with Alex who was learning sign language in high school. Claire sat at the table painting Jack’s nails, who wriggled in his seat excitedly.

Catching Dean’s eyes, he held up the hand Claire had finished. “Dean, look!”

Dean forced a smile. “Looks good.”

“Stay still,” Claire ordered, frowning down at Jack’s hand as she painted his pinky.

This was a bad idea, Dean thought. Jody had invited them for the week, mentioning off-hand that Sioux Fall’s pride events were going on, and Dean had pushed aside the mild panic at that comment, told her they’d come visit. He didn’t know he’d be roped into joining everyone at Pride, but here he was, feeling out of place in the corner of the kitchen. Who knew how he’d feel standing at the parade.

“Want me to do yours?” Claire asked, and Dean snapped his attention back to her. She was holding a bottle of nail polish, others lined up next to her on the table, and he froze, realizing what she was suggesting.

His first instinct was to spit out, “I’m not one of those,” but guilt rushed through him for how harsh the words sounded in his head. Defensive words, unnecessary ones because there was no threat here. He didn't mean them anyway.

Swallowing them down, he glanced around the kitchen for rescue. Cas was helping Donna pack water bottles because “It’s gonna be hot out there,” but he must’ve felt Dean’s gaze because he looked over and gave him a reassuring smile. No judgement in his eyes, or Claire's either, for that matter. He had a feeling he wouldn't find any judgement in this kitchen, which should've been a relief, but he had a hard time trusting it.

“Come on, Dean,” Jack said. “We can match!”

You can do this, Dean told himself. It's just Pride, not an Apocalypse.

He tried to smile. “Sure,” he said, going to the table and sitting down, chest tight.

He chose the color blue because it felt less ostentatious than the pinks and lilacs Claire presented to him. Even so, the color looked strikingly bright in the sunlight as he stood along the street marked off for the parade, and he shoved his hands into his pockets.

“Hey,” Cas said, touching his shoulder. Dean tensed, then felt awful for his reaction, but Cas didn’t move away, only rubbed between his shoulder blades until Dean relaxed marginally. “You okay?”

Dean nodded. “Fine,” he managed. Cas gave him a small smile and leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder.

A float passed with people waving and dancing on top, a banner strung across the front declaring, “Protect Trans Kids.” Jack waved a rainbow flag around, cheering along with the crowd. Claire’s arm was wrapped around Kaia’s shoulders, a smile tugging at her mouth despite her attempts to look unbothered by the proceedings. Dean wished he could feel that nonchalant. Instead, he kept looking over his shoulder. He didn’t know exactly what threat he was looking for, but the press of the growing crowds and the heat and noise, the bright colors and waving flags everywhere he looked was making him nauseous.

Turning back to the parade, he met Sam’s eyes. “Never thought we’d both end up here, right?” Sam asked over the noise, attempting levity, and Dean wondered if he remembered sitting outside near a Pride parade, feeling so unsure. There were plenty of other instances to remember, plenty of times John made disparaging comments that Dean either pretended to not hear or agreed with out of a panic that if he wasn’t careful, they might be directed at him next.

“This is fun,” Sam commented, watching the parade, and Dean wished he could agree.

Easy for you to say, he thought. You have a girlfriend, people’ll assume you’re straight. But he felt bad for thinking it. He didn’t want Cas to move away from him—if anything, wanted him closer, wanted his arm around him. But he felt too tense to move.

A crowd of middle-aged people walked in the parade, t-shirts reading variations of MOM HUGS, DAD HUGS, GRANDPA HUGS. Dean watched as people stepped off the sidewalk and hugged the moms and dads, some crying as soon as arms wrapped around them.

Without his permission, he felt his own eyes growing teary and he ducked his head, scraped his heel on the sidewalk.

“Dammit,” Jody said. “Where can I get one of those t-shirts?”

“We gotta do that next year,” Donna decided, and Jack gave her a hug.

“You can hand out hugs without the t-shirt,” he told her, and she grinned.

“You’re right.” Lifting her arms, she announced, “Free hugs over here!” People around them laughed, and someone took her up on the offer, telling her, “You’ve got a lovely family.”

Donna beamed. “Why yes I do.” She pulled Claire into a half-hug that Claire resisted, protesting the whole time. “Come here, Sam,” she said, yanking Sam into a hug that he had to nearly fold himself in half for. Everyone else got their turn, then she turned to Dean, holding out her arms.

Dean stepped into it, wrapping his arms around her. A gentler hug, Donna rubbing his back. Dean sunk into the embrace, the chaos around him subsiding for a moment.

“We’re family now, right?” she asked, pulling away to meet his eyes, and Dean nodded. Smiling at him and patting his arm, she turned back to Jody, wrapping an arm around her.

It felt a little easier to breathe now, his chest not so tight. The crowds around them didn’t seem so threatening, just smiling people with their families like he was with his. Eileen cheered as a float passed with an Irish LGBTQ+ coalition, and Dean smiled, easier now, not forced.

Jody pulled Donna in for a kiss that turned into making out. Claire rolled her eyes. “Ew, guys, Gross.” Kaia elbowed her and Claire’s put-on air of displeasure broke into a grin as she elbowed her back. Cas nudged Dean with a small smile when a float of pink, purple, and blue streamers drove past. For a moment, Dean's chest seized, John's voice ringing in his head, but in all the noise around them, it quickly drowned out.

Pulling his hands from his pockets, he took Cas’ hand. Cas interlaced their fingers immediately, squeezing tightly, then lifted their hands and studied Dean’s nails. Dean had let Jack paint a smiley face on his pinky to match the one on Jack’s thumbs. Staring at them, he thought of a boy at Pride with painted nails, his own fears and wants tightening his chest, but then Cas looked up at him with a smile, and the memory faded into a warm glow.

“I like them,” Cas told him.

“Yeah," Dean said. "Me too.”

#spnprideweek #bluefirecas #seraphcastiel #rambleoncas #userstarry #userpris #destiel fic #pride #internalized homophobia #john's a+ parenting #established dean/cas #bisexual dean winchester #inspired by my first time at pride #:) #expectingtofly writes

[fy-yongsun]

[TRANS] 220430 Solar - THEATRE plus Interview Excerpts

Solar: I got to know musical director Kim Moon Jung through <BITM>.  When we’re at a gathering, they asked me if I had any thoughts of doing a musical.  “If there is an opportunity, I want to do it,” I said. A few months later, she actually called. I was so surprised that I just said, “Hello”. Once I’ve greeted her she immediately talked about the musical. “I’m the musical director for <Mata Hari>, do you want to act in it?  Actually, I don't know much about musicals. I don't know about <Mata Hari> either. I told her that I did not know (musicals) well. Since it was my first time trying a new genre, I had discussed with the company about the practice schedule and what kind of process it takes. I'm not really afraid of trying new things. I called the director again. I want to do it. (trans)

Q. In a way, the whole play depends on Mata Hari, so playing 'Mata Hari' in <Mata Hari> play on your debut is amazing.

Solar: I'm not the type to worry a lot. Whether it's a success or a failure, I try to accomplish what's in front of me first so I decided to do my first musical with pure heart and hot passion. Really cool right? But recently, the casting teaser came, when I searched, there were a lot of comments saying, “This is your first musical, so you're doing this work?” so I felt a lot of pressure. But rather than feeling burdened, I can't help but enjoy this burden. Of course, it is worrisome for a singer who has never done it before playing the main role in this masterpiece, but nevertheless, I'm not stressed and will do my best to show you my best to show a good image. (trans)

Q. Mata Hari is a dancer. As a member of Mamamoo, does it help in playing the role?

Solar: I'm not an expert in dancing, but there are different genres of dances.  The choreography of <Mata Hari> is a strong belly dance, but what I've shown you so far is a combination of pop dance. I've never tried belly dancing before so I'm starting from the basics. It's a kind of hard because the body movement involves different parts, so I have to learn & overcome it. (trans)

Changsub: Solar is still like a shy Mata Haru? She's dancing a fancy indian dance and doing a stripshow on stage. But off stage, she's someone you have to take care of. (trans)

Solar: Changsub as Armand, it's filled with a fun, fresh and lovely image. He never forgets to add in humour during serious situations. I think that's the side of his that made Mata Hari fell for him

Solar: I don't have experience acting in other musicals but I really like the times I spent in the practice room.(Musical) it's about a sad and beautiful love. There's a song that suits the scene, I will work hard in order to not dissapoint the audience (trans)

Q. Heard that both of you are close, did both of you contact each other after knowing that both are going to be in the musical?

Solar: Yes, I received a call from him

Changsub: I saw 'Solar' on it and I thought there was a character named 'Solar'. But after thinking about it, I decided to give her a call and asked 'You're doing it? (Mata hari)'?

Solar: That was how I found out that he's going to be in the same musical too. I think it's a good thing for having someone I know out of the other casts which I don't know.

Solar: I saw the script and both of us are lovers (in the musical), we have to kiss and spend the night together it makes me go crazy, I thought this is not it (with him) (laughs) 

Changsub: I don't like that too ok! (With you) (trans)

Q. I know you're in the middle of practicing. What are your thoughts?

Solar: I didn't know there were so many actors and staffs. I just said "New challenge hwaighting!" & came in but I was surprised by the scale. I was nervous the moment I realized its a big project

Changsub: Sometimes I lose my focus while doing face-to-face scenes or looking at Solar I burst out laughing.. Haha. But the director compliments Solar a lot. It's her first time, but she is natural (good at it). (trans)

#mamamoo #kim yongsun #solar #changsub #t:interview #t:trans #220428 #e:face #theatre+

[thatlowiqbabe]

Hi! I was wondering if you could write something for HoO boys being your boy friend? Also, do you think it’s possible for you to do a trans (ftm) hispanic demiboy? Thanks!

Oh yeah sure! As a Demi-Boy it's my duty!

This is over 900 words so there's gonna be a part two (sorry bout that)

HOO Boys with A Hispanic!Demi-Boy! S/O

Frank Zhang

"Wait your a demi-boy? Like cause you're a demi-god orr"

"Oh okay, totally unrelated gotcha."

You probably came out to Frank after the Son of neptune, scared you'd never get the chance to tell him.

He asked some silly questions but obviously accepted you! He would do more research via internet but demi-gods and phones don't mix

(What do you mean he's been asking other trans demi-gods how to better understand, you obviously got the wrong chinese-canadian shape-shifting son of mars)

Anyway he loves you, and tries to switch pronouns often ❤��� (if you use multiple)

If you're ever feeling dysphoric, he'll turn into an cuddly animal of your choice to make you feel better.

Will turn into a bear and (threaten to)  eat a transphobe

(They probably taste funny lol)

(If you're bilingual) You, him and Jason sit in a circle and speak in spanish, canadian french, and latin, knowing damn well y'all don't understand each other.

Y'all be looking like this

Don't even try having Thanksgiving with him

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

".... I'm canadian."

"Oh, uhhh happy thursday then??"

Like sir, do you want some turkey or not?

Jason Grace

"So wait, if you're a demi-god and a demi-boy do they like cancel each other out?"

"I- baby no—"

"Can I call you God-Boy?"

Y'all give him a minute, boy brain ain't right after getting knocked out so many times 🤣

Being called God-Boy does make you feel powerful ngl

You probably "dated" during hoo, and after you started dating for real came out to him.

Uses both pronouns, like every other paragraph. (If you use multiple)

If you're a greek demi-god, he loves to take you over to Camp Jupiter, and take you on tours around the parthenon and go on dates

If you're roman, he takes you out to Camp half-blood and maybe even tour manhattan!

(Gotta be a group date though, he's been at Camp Jupiter since he was 3 and only left on quests, he don't know where he going)

(If your bilingual) He'll teach you latin if you teach him spanish! It's always cool to know another language, especially if you're partner speaks it.

If you're dysphoric, y'all take naps together.

You don't have to stress, whatever's outside can wait a while, right now it's just you and him ❤️

You're his little God-Boy, he loves you

What do you mean he specifically asked to do whatever chores you had that day? Uh-huh couldn't be him 🛑🖐️ stop playing

Don't let him meet your mortal parent

Boy be so nervous he don't know what to do

"Jason, dear could you pass me the (fav. Food) "

"Yes  (Mr./Mrs/Mx.) L/n, I will have a ham sandwich "

"..."

"..."

"..."

He left with a ham sandwich and a red face

He got invited back over, so it wasn't too bad tho lol

Leo Valdez

He already knew you were a demi-boy!

You probably came out to Leo before y'all started dating, and maybe before y'all knew you were demi-gods, he just has that "yes I'd beat a bitch's ass and lose, and what about it?" Energy y'know??

Obviously you could trust him.

Will try to to use both pronouns, but might stick with one for a while before switching it up and then sticking to one again

Y'all probably talk shit about people together honestly.

Let's be honest, if you were bilingual, with a boyfriend who was also bilingual, and y'all didn't like this one person you'd talk shit right in front of them.

If you're really petty you'd make it obvious too.

If you're ever feeling some dysphoria, don't worry cause Leo got dis-for-ya!

Iamsosorry

But seriously he'll build you tiny trinkets and stuff to help you feel better

Greatifyoureahoarderlikemelol

If you want, you could help him with building, or even build something yourself!

(You: somehow builds a bomb or something equally dangerous

Leo:

)

Y'all like to make smores, and probably sing the campfire song from spongebob while doing it

(Whether it's on Leo or an actual campfire depends on y'all mood)

"OUR C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E  S-O-N-G SONG"

"Hey, you did it without stuttering this time!"

Nico di Angelo

"So you trans your gender??"

"Uh no, I'm transgender, it doesn't work like that—"

"How do you trans your gender?? Is it a like a process to get your gender trans or does it happen all at once?"

This boy a whole boomer, lord have mercy 😭🖐️

Growing up in early 1900's he doesn't really understand, but he'll try.

If he feels like he's bothering you with too many with questions, he'll go bother Annabeth instead.

Uses both pronouns, despite not knowing how you can have more than one. (If you use multiple)

Will do his best to get rid of any internalized transphobia he might have. Even if he grew up around Bianca, it was a hateful time back then and he might have biases.

You're dysphoric, but how??

He understands how dysphoria works, as much as it pains him to know that you're hurting, he didn't understand how it could effect someone like you.

You were much braver than he was, not being outed and actually coming out on your own. You were the man you said you were and more.

Sometimes y'all just lay down outside under a tree and he'll sing to you.

(Y'all know I'm talking about Soldatino don't even play)

Those days can go from bad to okay to great, depending on what y'all do afterward.

Sometimes y'all go out to eat at McDonald's via shadow travel, and I hope you got cash cause the seven gonna want some too lol (this includes Rachel and Will btw)

"So you're ordering (big af order) to go, for just the two of you?"

"We're eating for nine."

"No baby we're eating for eleven remember?"

Cashier, who's just trying to earn they minimum wage:

I don't know how to end this lol

Um part 2 will be out soon, maybe like a day from now if I don't forget lol

Thank you for requesting! I hope it was up to your standards, if not then I hope you enjoyed it anyway, cause I enjoyed writing it!

If you're interested in my writing pls request, I only have one other to do so it might be done soon!

Also, I hope Leo's bilingual hc isn't offensive in anyway. I'm just realizing how rude that may sound. If it is I'll write a new one. I'm not bilingual but if I was that's what I'd do. Again, I hope I didn't come off as ignorant on that hc.

#percy jackon and the olympians #hoo #heros of olympus #headcanon #poc reader #request #jason grace #frank zhang #Leo Valdez #nico di angelo #x trans reader #trans boy #non binary #non binary reader #male reader #black writers #hispanic reader

[dykexenomorph]

ive got a STUPID amount of brainrot for fo4 so here r some of my hcs

post-institute destruction sturges helps the railroad out whenever they need a vertibird fixed up, it started out as a one time thing but then they realized that having someone who doesn't have to read a manuel and pray to fix them is very reassuring and nice

in his spare time tom works on creating a portable gameboy-esque console for sole to have. the pip-boy simply is NOT designed well for gameplay

sturges is trans and so is hancock, y'all have heard me say this so many times

after glory dies the railroad (kind of unintentionally) starts using the phrase "for glory" in sort of the same way that the bos uses "ad victorium". newer railroad members take the phrase literally but people who were around for the bos attack at hq know and remember what it actually means.

desdemona had a kid who was taken by the institute (my explanation for this one is uhhh kinda lengthy so I'm leaving why I think this up to yalls imagination)

idk if this counts as a headcanon but i like to imagine that nat stays with ellie and nick whenever piper is away, she considers them family at this point (the thought of piper just leaving her by herself drives absolutely nuts dude omg)

music didn't stop progressing after the 50-60s (is that the right time period for the soundtrack??), most music was just banned due to the prolonged red scare and eventually it got to the point where hearing new and recent songs before they were taken off air was incredibly hard.

#i have more than just these but they're very specific and its embarrassing to share bc it shows how much i think about this silly game :( #(also srry that most of these are for the railroad. #some ppl get attached to a specific character or companion. i get attached to an ENTIRE FACTION fusnakan) #fo4 #fallout 4 #fallout #the railroad #fo4 railroad #deacon fo4 #deacon fallout 4 #desdemona fo4 #tinker tom #sturges #fo4 sturges #nick valentine #ellie perkins #glory fo4 #hancock #hancock fo4 #piper wright #long post

[the-gay-prometheus]

Frankenstein AU Segment: “Always You”

I promised some gay shit today so have some gay shit.

Warning: it is extremely gay, I think.

This lil segment is Henry and Victor being silly and dumb and not realizing until just now that they are desperately in love with each other, and I think that is very gay of them.

Anyways actual little mini warning for this one: Victor refers to his assigned gender at birth and also mentions his deadname at one point in this segment. I know for some trans folks, reading things where a trans person makes a reference to their AGAB and/or their deadname it can be triggering, hence why I’m making this warning just to be on the safe side. The entirety of this segment is genuinely wholesome though, so no other warnings needed to my knowledge.

On a completely different and random note, “In A Week” by Hozier is officially Victor and Henry’s love song, and no I will not be accepting constructive criticism on that.

As always, likes, reblogs, and comments of any kind are greatly appreciated!

~~~

The peaceful song of crickets chirping was interrupted only by the occasional trilling call of a boreal owl which seemed to echo across the cliffs and peaks. Above the gnarled branches and wispy needles of the pines the moonless sky was illuminated by uninterrupted glimmering starlight. Victor and Henry lay atop a massive boulder they had climbed in the midst of the woods, savoring the moment alone together as they stared up through the canopy above into the shimmering heavens, each with their hands folded over their chests. Though Henry was entirely still, Victor tapped his fingers against the back of his other hand as he picked through the millions of thoughts racing through his head. “You shouldn’t stay,” he mentioned suddenly. Henry glanced over at him. After a long pause, Victor continued. “I mean you shouldn’t stay here. You’ve… you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

“So do you,” Henry answered, turning onto his side and resting his elbow on the stone and his head on his palm. Victor turned to look at him.

“No, not really. I made my choice, Henry. I made a mistake, and this is my burden to bear - not yours. You shouldn’t be throwing your life away for my sake.”

“Victor - you know I’ve always got your back,” Henry replied, giving him a comforting smile. “I really don’t mind it.”

“I know that but… it’s not fair to you.” Victor rested his head back and stared up to the  sky, and Henry laid back to do the same. “You should be finishing your studies at Ingolstadt, or traveling the world, or finding some beautiful woman to settle down with.” Henry tensed as he spoke, but didn’t answer. “I’m thankful that you’re here with me, and it really has been wonderful and I can never repay you for how much you’ve helped but… it kills me to think I might be causing you to miss out on all the things you wanted in life.” There was a long moment of silence between them, and Victor began to grow restless, tapping his fingers against the back of his hand again. “Do you… not agree?” Henry tensed more, then let out a sharp exhale.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Victor blinked, then turned on to his side and sat up slightly.

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “It’s… not like I really have anyone to divulge it to other than… well… you know who. And he certainly doesn’t have anyone to divulge it to.” Henry gave him a half smile, then turned his hazel eyes back to the sky.

“Victor I… I have-” He hesitated. “I’m… I mean I- I’m-” He pinched at the bridge of his nose, then dropped his arms to his sides. “I have no interest in women.” Victor glanced over at him, then lay back down and returned his own gaze to the stars.

“Oh.” Henry cringed, expecting some kind of other reply, but relaxed slightly as Victor spoke again. “Well… that’s fine. You still shouldn’t stay. I know you always wanted to finish your studies and travel the world at least. I don’t want to hold you back.” Henry swallowed hard and clenched his eyes shut.

“That’s not what I mean Victor.”

“Then what did you mean?” he asked, glancing back over at him.

“I… I have no interest in women because I-” Henry hesitated again. “My only interest lies in… other men. It… it always has.” Victor looked upward once again.

“Ah.” His eyes widened. “Oh!” Henry cringed at this response. He wasn’t sure why he was so afraid but… part of him was terrified. Victor suddenly sat up, a look of revelation on his face. “That’s a possibility?” Henry’s eyes snapped open and he looked up at him.

“You say that like you didn’t know.”

“Well- how was I supposed to know? It’s not like I’ve ever... seen it before.” Henry gave him an odd look.

“...What about Percy and Alex?”

“Who?”

“Back in Ingolstadt? Your classmates? You can’t tell me you didn’t know. It was obvious! Not… that they were necessarily public about it, and for good reason, but the way they looked at each other and talked to each other, there was no way they were anything less than lovers.” Victor frowned and glanced over at him.

“You assume I paid any attention to my classmates.” Henry blinked.

“...Oh. Yes that… that’s certainly a good point.” He shook his head. “Regardless! Why… why wouldn’t it be possible? If a man can love a woman, why can’t he love another man?” Victor thought for a moment.

“Well this… this changes everything,” he muttered, eyes still wide. Henry glanced away, suddenly worried again.

“...How so?”

“Well - it means I’m… I’m not broken!” Victor exclaimed, suddenly grinning. Henry snapped his gaze over to him.

“What?” Victor turned, sitting fully upright with his legs crossed and his fingers tapping excitedly on his thighs.

“Henry. After all I’ve done, after everything I’ve made of myself, after all the changes, there was one thing that always continued to irk me. I have changed my name, altered my body, filled myself with the correct chemicals, and yet despite all of that, one thing never changed. Even though I had finally become the person I knew I needed to be, I still was attracted to men!” Henry’s own eyes grew wide. “I had simply chalked it up to being some sort of strange flaw, that maybe I hadn’t perfected myself enough, that I hadn’t entirely rid myself of my… my…” He hesitated, as though he didn’t want to say it. “My womanhood - but no! Perhaps it has nothing to do with my sex!” Henry couldn’t help but chuckle at that statement.

“You really thought your attraction was tied to your sex?” Victor shrugged, then nodded, prompting another quiet laugh from Henry. “Victor, have I ever mentioned you are by far the most intelligent imbecile I know?” Victor smirked.

“Not in those words exactly, but something akin to that, yes.” 

“Victor Frankenstein, ladies and gentleman, brilliant scientist capable of creating life from death, entirely incapable of understanding human attraction,” Henry announced sarcastically, throwing his arms wide as he spoke with a big grin. Victor snickered and batted his hand away.

“Oh hush, Henry, the poet who couldn’t figure out the difference between a daisy and a dandelion,” he mused in return. Henry sat up.

“Hey! I know the difference! I just… got the names confused!” he exclaimed. Victor laughed, and flopped back onto his back, Henry laying back down beside him.

“Sure you did,” Victor retorted with sarcasm, glancing over at him. The two regained their composure as their giggles faded back to quiet smiles, though Victor’s smile quickly faded. He let out a sigh. “Well… regardless, Henry. You really should go. Go study, go explore, go find a kind man to settle down with. Live the life I’ll never get to have.” Henry’s own smile faded as his mind suddenly raced, trying to think of how to respond. “I’ll be ok here on my own. I promise.”

“But… Victor I-” Henry’s heart began to pound in his chest. Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it, he repeated in his mind as his pulse quickened. Despite the repetition, though, he glanced back over to Victor. His breath caught in his throat. “I’ve already done those things.” Victor looked over at him, confused, his own heart seeming to skip a beat.

“...What do you mean?”

“Well… I’ve travelled - maybe not around the world, but I traveled to Ingolstadt. I may not have finished my studies but I certainly came close enough. And…” He turned his face away. “I’ve… I’ve already found a kind man to settle down with.” Victor felt his heart shatter in his chest upon hearing those words, and he turned away.

“...I see,” he muttered dejectedly. “Then you should go to him. Go to him and live your life with joy.” Henry looked back over at him, feeling terror clawing at his chest as he mulled over whether he should or shouldn’t reveal himself.

“You… you don’t understand Victor.” Victor turned back toward him, his own eyes already starting to fill with tears of worry. “It’s… it’s you. It’s always been you.” Victor blinked away his tears, his eyes widening as he suddenly felt as though his heart stopped. He was frozen - stunned - and his face turned bright red as he blushed. Henry, seeing this reaction, grew tense and turned away. “I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I- I didn’t mean to make things strange between us. I shouldn’t have said anyth-” He was cut off as suddenly he felt Victor’s fingers upon his cheek, gently coaxing him to return his gaze to him.

“Henry I… I misspoke,” Victor whispered softly. Henry clenched his eyes shut, fearing the worst. “When I said I was attracted to men, what I should have said was… I am attracted to a man.” He hesitated as Henry slowly opened his eyes. “It was always you, Henry. Always.” For a moment the two stared deep into each other's eyes, their fears falling away as they finally began to realize the intensity of the connection between them, until Victor suddenly pulled back and gave Henry an odd look. “Wait. No- no. You’re lying. You have to be lying.” Henry’s eyes widened with shock.

“I- Victor I just bared my soul to you. Do you genuinely think I would lie about something like that?”

“Well… no. But it makes no sense. If you always knew you were interested solely in men, then how could you have always been interested in me? Good god Henry, when we first met I wasn’t even Victor, I was Emily Frankenstein, the strange girl who refused to wear a dress and practiced needlepoint while sitting out in the mud!” Henry’s shock dissolved into a short huff of laughter at the memory of seeing that younger, drastically different version of his boyhood crush, with long, frizzy dark brown hair (a far cry to his now short and messily cut hair) sitting in the mud by the lake wearing boys’ clothing while intently working on an embroidery that read ‘Alchemy is Relevant’ with the symbol for the philosopher’s stone above it - young Victor’s way of spiting his father.

“You know how you thought you were flawed because somehow despite everything you still felt attraction toward men?” Henry asked. He paused, then smiled. “Attraction to me, I guess.” Victor frowned slightly.

“Yes?”

“Well… that’s how I felt when I first met you. It was so bizarre to me. Up until that point, I had never understood the other boys my age, all pining over young girls while I was admiring which of them was the most handsome. And then I met you, and even though I was so sure of myself and who I was, you turned it all on its head. For the first time I wasn’t just admiring, I was fully, deeply enthralled by someone. I simply chalked it up to the fact that, perhaps this just meant I finally found the right girl, like my father always said I would, and that maybe everything I thought I knew was wrong. And yet… I continued to find myself admiring only other boys my age, and no other girls. I was so deeply conflicted - until that day years later when you returned after having run away and confided in me that you had come to realize you were never meant to be a girl at all,” he explained. Victor’s expression softened.

“So… what you’re saying is… you… you knew all along? Before I was even aware of my own identity?” Henry thought for a moment, then smiled.

“Come to think of it, I suppose maybe I did! I’ve… never really thought of it like that before.” Victor stared at him for a moment, then lay back again, smiling brightly. Henry smiled back at him, and lay beside him again - though moving a bit closer this time.

“Then I suppose we were never broken after all,” Victor remarked. “All this time, we knew each other far better than we ever realized. I’ve never much believed in soul mates, but… considering this evidence, I’m almost considering rethinking my stance on that,” he concluded half jokingly. 

“You jest, but… you have to admit it might have some merit,” Henry pointed out as he stared calmly up at the sky. “How truly remarkable that the stars should align for us to meet, that the strings of fate should tie us together so neatly and that we should lead each other, even if unknowingly, into the light that is living our truths. We may have no evidence for the existence of some higher power, but there is proof that the world works in mysterious and wonderful ways that even science cannot define. Our very existence is such a specific rarity, a mere blip on the scale of time, and somehow here we are, together, here, now.” Victor turned on his side, lifting himself up slightly as he stared in awe and admiration as Henry spoke. “We are miracles, Victor, common miracles yet miracles all the same. There is so much we have to learn and to discover about the world and about ourselves, and how brilliant it is that we should have the chance to do so together, and to lift each other up to be the very best versions of ourselves that we can be. We-” He suddenly was cut off as Victor was suddenly leaning over him, propping himself on one hand that rested on Henry’s other side, his light brown eyes staring down into his hazel ones with a gaze of pure wonder. He shuddered, his heart suddenly fluttering in his chest as he looked up at him, and he gasped softly as Victor placed his unoccupied hand onto his cheek and brushed a long strand of ginger hair away from his eyes.

“Is it too early?” Victor inquired in a quiet whisper. Henry pressed his face into Victor’s hand.

“Too early for what?” Victor hesitated.

“Is it too early to say I... I-” Henry grinned, breathing deeply and slowly shaking his head as he lifted a hand and placed it on Victor’s cheek.

“I love you too,” he murmured. They stayed frozen for a moment, silence returning between them as the creatures of the night continued to sing their songs and the trees creaked softly in the breeze. As they searched each other’s eyes for some unspoken answer to some unheard question, it was Victor who suddenly leaned down, his pulse racing as his lips locked with Henry’s. At first Henry’s eyes widened, but his eyelids fluttered closed as he lifted his hand higher and gently gripped Victor’s short, messy brown hair between his fingers, softly pulling him in closer. Though it only lasted a moment, it felt like a blissful eternity before they slowly broke away, both of them shaking with the joy and excitement of it all. As Victor lay back on his side, he wrapped his arm around Henry tightly, and Henry moved closer, wrapping his own arm around him. They lay contentedly in each other's embrace, silently staring at one another as though there was nothing else in the world they’d rather see than each other’s eyes. That was, until, a sudden cry from just outside the forest jolted them both upright. Victor let out a soft sigh, and slowly started to rise to his feet.

“I’ll be back,” he muttered disappointedly. Henry gave a sympathetic smile as he stood as well.

“No, I’ll come with you.” Victor hesitated a moment before descending the boulder and landing on the ground with a soft thud, Henry following close behind.

“You don’t have to. I’m sure it’ll only be a moment,” he mentioned. Henry took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

“And I don’t want to lose a single moment to spend with you,” he murmured, leaning forward and tenderly kissing Victor’s cheek. Victor blushed and smiled sheepishly.

“If you insist-” He was cut off by the sound of a sudden loud sob. “Come on. It sounds like one hell of a nightmare,” he mentioned as he began to lead the way back to their cabin home.

“Sometimes I think you make a surprisingly good father, despite everything between the two of you,” Henry mentioned as they exited the trees. Victor gave a contented sigh as they came upon the dwelling and he reached for the door.

“You really think so?” he asked quietly as they walked in and continued toward where they could hear his creation now quietly crying inside. “Well… at least I won’t have to do it alone now.” He paused just outside the door to the creature’s room, looking back at Henry. “You will stay, won’t you?” Henry chuckled softly, gripping Victor’s hand tighter.

“Oh, Victor,” he murmured, leaning forward and resting his forehead against his. “From the day I first got here, I never wanted to leave.”

#frankenstein au #trans victor au #victor frankenstein #henry clerval #clervenstein #head empty clervenstein thoughts only #High-key considering creating a redbubble and making an 'Alchemy is Relevant' t-shirt design akdbjhbdvjdhbjhvbjdfvhbf #also those of you who read 'We've Got Work To Do' will recognize that I have changed Victor's deadname- #this is because I decided that Victor would have wanted to make his name as different from his deadname as possible- #so Victoria would not have worked. I thought a while about names and ended up with 'Emily' because... #A. Emily Frankenstein flows pretty well. #B. Emily - Elizabeth - Ernest. Y'all already know Caroline would. #Not that it really matters of course. But I've been trying to think it through so I can more accurately build an AU version of his childhoo #clervalstein