#the thing is. i will always feel like a creative little fraud ????? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cheddar-baby · 7 months

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Were really in a period of time with such a lack of critical thinking skills. People see the word AI and jump on it like wild animals. People were loving the new Oneohtrix Point Never album but then he did some interviews and talked about how he used some AI to create strange impossible sounds that no instrument could make and people instantly turned around and started calling him a hack fraud. Like yeah people using AI to rip off artists and corporations trying to undermine writers and artists with it is bad we all know this. Using the inherent imperfections of machine learning to create interesting samples is a non issue. Its like the most optimal positive way to use machine learning models.

People truly don't understand how art making works. Artists regularly full on steal even more blatently than any AI ever could. And its great its good and it creates beautiful powerful art. That is how the creative process works, picking and pulling from everywhere and creating something new. But OPN didn't even do that he used this machine to create new sounds and built off of them, arranged them into songs its not even controversial in the slightest.

I was honestly a little on the fence with the album but learning this tipped me over i love the album im going to have a lot of fun going through picking out all the strange wrong details of the sounds. Its one of the things that makes OPN so interesting as an artist his music always has this alien feeling to it. It feels like a transmission coming through an old radio of noises you've never heard before. This is the logical extension of that.

#oneohtrix point never

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sluggybunny · 2 months

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bunch of random art stuff + rambling

wow look at all these things i drew today. bald heterosexuals. i want to do YCHs again because those historically have done very well for me (side note i am really bad at marketing i need a manager) so i drew a bunch of cute couple poses. and some not cute poses. i iwll have to think how i am going to post these because i always feel a little embarrassed when i post Bald Grey Heteros For Sale.

another one of my ocs. they are very cute. i like the outfit i designed a whole lot. their name is hush and they are dating a clown

^ this man just did fraud

unfortunate

drow. this was my bg3 protag. they have changed a little in design/concept but weird fairy vibe is still accurate. i must admit i am a little scared of posting bg3 content

other things is is Wow I Need To Become More Creative My Art Looks Stale. but also i should invest more in background colors. Also I drew a lot today and my body is crunchy as hell.

#>sluggy personal #wip tag

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t4tdanvis · 6 months

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AND HERE I AM AGAIN. I ALWAYS COME BACK! Okay so I may be reaching here but-

So before we start this TW for mentions of Garte and of emotional child abuse and child expirementation and possession and slight Ivy neg? okay now we have that cleared let’s go-

Okay so on the topic of mystreet and dairies Garroth, let’s talk about The depersonalisation or dehumanisation of Garroth. I am not sure if that’s the right term, depersonalisation is about lack of own identity, dehumanisation is stripping someone away from their positive human traits. But I don’t mean either of that, I mean just treating someone as not human? Garroth is often either extremely over idealised in pdh or seen as a moron in mystreet.

First off his father over glorified him, him being the golden child and all. Being the golden child actually sucks. You have all the pressures, and the feeling of being a fraud as he was praised for stuff he didn’t do. We see Garte canonically praising him for stuff he hasn’t done. And this causes feelings of being a fraud and a fear of being exposed.

Then we have all his fangirls in highschool, obsessing over him and over glorifying him yet again. He isn’t recognised for him as a whole with his flaws, he isn’t recognised as just a human. And on top of that, I noticed a trend of the better people know Garroth the more distant more people seem to get from him. This probably increases the feelings of being a fraud.

He is the comedic relief now, to the point some fans don’t recognise him of having any serious sad feelings at all because he is the comedic relief. Now everyone just sees Garroth as an idiot, too dumb to be seen as a person.

And you have the fact he was experimented on, a very dehumanising experience probably. They also refer to them in code names[those being numbers] making it more dehumanising, in a scene in starlight you see a photo of Garroth as a toddler with 01 under it, katelyn being 02 and Travis 03. This hints he was the first to get experimented on. that's irrelevant really but I just wanted to mention it because it makes Garte look even worse.

Not to mention his possession being one of the most depersonalising and dehumanising ones of all. As unlike all the others, he doesn’t say anything except a few words during it and doesn’t show off much if any emotion at all. The screen also goes over to Garroth when Michael says “And your little toys are mine” basically referring to Garroth as a toy. Garroth during the possession is also almost like a robot, or a puppet, he attacks Nana being in the way but doesn’t continue because he directly switches targets when ordered to. Seeing yourself act like that and someone in your friend’s body boss you around like that is sure to mess you up you know. And then you have him becoming a werewolf, making him “less human” too.

Despite being basic he isn't really like his peers in a way. Oh also his basicness in itself is also kinda depersonalising, ‘Golden children’ often end up having to perform to please their parent. Due to this act to keep their status they often lack individuality and creativity. Perfectly in line with Garroth’s basicness and lack of an interesting taste and so forth. A lack of an personal identity. this is soo interesting with it being implies Elizabeth made the Ro'meave's forget about Garte in the mystreet season 6 finale. That's an identity crisis waiting to happened.

He also turns his own feelings into jokes in a way. Making his fear of Ivy and her blackmailing him to be with her in pdh season 2 aswell as constantly making him uncomfortable and just making it all about her getting his name wrong. As if he doesn't recognise his own feelings so he searches for a superficial reason to explain the feelings he is feeling. And how he after that forces himself to get over it without a real apology for it from Ivy, I think? I only remember her apologising to Aphmau and explaining her lisp to Garroth. And we have in the good cop bad cop sidestory thing where in a conversation it was revealed his bad cop joke was actually backed up by him actually distrusting Gene. But after a conversation with Laurance he gets Gene a house a few episodes later. He undervalues his own feelings in a way. Like how Garte undervalues Garroth's reluctance to inheret the company and still makes him do so.

AUGHHHHHHHH THIS IS SO FUCKING GOOD THANK YOU ANON i am furiously writing this all down to use in my rewrite i love this so so much

#❄.txt #ask box #like DAMN u put so much thought into this holy SHIT #this is so so amazing #i love this so much i am EATING it

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moving-to-dreamwinged · 7 months

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cw// vent below the cut!

no outright triggering content mentioned but references to trauma/ptsd (this is vaguely selfship related i promise snjkfhfndsj).

LONG, sorry . beware! but i've been trying to examine myself a little more closely lately and i just got carried away ig

i sort of always feel like i'm alone in this, i guess i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way in any capacity?

so i've always been a really naturally creative person; when i was younger i was the kid that was always doodling all over their assignments; i would win art and writing contests, stuff like that. it's a lot of artists and imaginative ppl on here specially in the selfship community, so i'm sure y'all will understand this, but being "creative" was kind of literally my entire identity growing up. i preferred fiction to reality and never understood how to get along with the other kids, so it became my escape , whether i was creating or consuming media. it was , in entirety, who i was.

except when i got a little older, i went through a traumatic event. i won't get into specifics, but i was diagnosed with ptsd among other things. and i pretty much blocked it all out! only recently, years later, have i started to realize the effects the trauma actually had on me.

i noticed that my creativity is basically GONE. i'm unable to come up with plotlines in my head; only when i'm very strictly guided by a pre-determined objective or assignment requirement. when i was younger i could write elaborate fantasy storylines with dragons n shit, fully fleshed out character archetypes and interactions, but now it's like my mind is a total fucking blank. NOTHING comes up. especially dialogue; i'm just not capable of imagining it. art is the same way.

it's honestly insane. i don't even remember what it was like to have natural imagination. i miss it more than anything and i feel like i've lost something intensely important. not to mention how ingrained it was in my identity. it's all i was, yet it all stopped after i experienced trauma.

i feel so alone, and it really ties into my relationship with self-shipping. as much comfort as self-shipping brings me, i feel so very invalidated by the fact that i'm not able to create or write content for my ship. i try, but i just can't do it in the end. i see others that make these beautiful drawings or these deep meaningful fanfics and i feel so guilty. like i'm less dedicated, and it makes my relationship/my account less valid, not only to myself but to everyone else. my f/o deserves more than that, but i can't give it to them. in real life, they'd probably be with someone else who could instead. yk that sort of thing :'( it's a whole rabbit hole of thinking that i'll just cut off now but yeah u get the point. super guilty.

i could go on with this for hours but it's already super long. but yeah. the original intention of this blog was for me to try writing again but in a way that was comfortable and safe for me, by combining it w my biggest coping mechanism LOL. i've made some baby steps in my drafts but we'll see how it goes ig. just wanted to get this off my chest and see if maybe anyone else has had a similar experience, idk it just makes me feel so guilty and like i'm a fraud of myself in general :'3

#.vent #f/o #self ship

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kaleuh · 1 year

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I made a life decision two days ago that may change everything drastically again ahahaha

I love my job very much. It's the only thing I've felt 100% good at career-wise. Even when I worked in production, everything seemed so daunting and big that I always had to hide how afraid I was to undertake certain tasks I was assigned. I would always do my job happily, of course, but with half of the responsibilities given to me, there was always an undercurrent of, "when are they going to realize that i'm a fraud? i shouldn't be touching any of this, these projects are too cool and important for my clumsy hands, etc."

Of course, a lot of the fear was related to the post-production work I was assigned. I'm not an editing expert, by any means. But the pre-production work? Oh man. That was where I felt completely in my element. Creating pitch decks and finding stories and doing talent outreach and organizing set lists and script coordination? That was my jam!! Sure, half of pre-production is administrative tasks, but even doing those felt so invigorating. I love getting to be involved in any aspect of a script. Hell, if it wasn't for scripts and screenwriting, I kind of feel like I wouldn't have survived the past three years.

The way I've been able to find contentment and stability at all in the past three years is because of two things: my current job, and fully immersing myself in my own private writing projects. My current job is more marketing/data related, but it still revolves around the creative industry, which I love. So I'm never not being creative, but...it also pays like garbage. Everything else about it is perfect - I get to work from home, I love my coworkers, I find the work to be incredibly easy and fulfilling, but...this salary won't allow me to build a future for myself. It's a small company, and we've hemorrhaged employees left and right in the past few years. I've gotten "Employee of the Month" more times than I can count. There keeps being stated promises of "things getting better" but...I'm the top performer in my department and all they ""were able"" to give me this year was a 50 cent raise. Meanwhile, my boss lives in a gorgeous house in a rich neighborhood.

A few days ago, I was ruminating on the fact that my entire department (despite being told we're "the backbone of the company") still lives with their parents and cannot even afford a studio (we're all in our late 20's or early 30's.) This includes my manager, who is working himself to the bone for very little money. So I thought, "you know what, fuck it," and out of curiosity did a 1-minute job search. I did not count on finding anything interesting. I did.

Let me tell you, I did not count on finding a job that aligned with my exact employment history, that is also remote. It's marketing, which I'm good at. But it's screenwriting, which I'm passionate about. A fresh posting. $50k per year. My god, I felt my stomach turning as I watched my hands move faster than my head to apply. I felt like a guilty wretch, like a total backstabber to my department, the thing that has given me stability in the worst years of my life. But my god, how am I to have any good years ever again if I cannot start my life?

I'm sick to my stomach, attempting to rid myself of the one stable thing that has kept me afloat. And what do I gain in return? Change? My mortal enemy? Why do this to myself? Why rock the boat? It's not a stable boat, it's a raft on a river, or as I like to call it, a courtesy rental of a room in my friend's mom's house.

But I suppose that's the problem. I live in someone else's home. It's not my own place. My friend's mom is a very good landlord (even though there is no such thing) but at the end of the day, I'm still living in some lady's house. Sure, it's nice to live with one of my best friends, but it still feels like I live with a family that is not my own. I can't decorate this place like it's mine. I can't sing at the top of my lungs. I barely get any privacy, and there have been so many animals in this house that I'm allergic to pretty much everywhere except my room.

The point is, I can't stay here forever. And if I want to dream of having anything of my own, then things have to change. But this means leaving my friend, and leaving my coworkers. I have no idea where the future will lead me if I get this job, and that makes me want to vomit. Pretty much all change has been bad in the past few years. but i want to hope again. i want to hope i can see the sky and the sun and the clouds again one day. i want to hope change can be good for me again.

I hope I get it. I fucking hope I don't. I hope I never hear back from them, I hope I never even get an interview. I hope I do.

#int. this room. night. int. this room. day. int. this room. night. int. this room. day. int. this room. night. int. this room. day. int. th #Kayla's personal life #get me ext. of here

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phynoma · 1 year

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Imagine you're a painter, and you get a job doing portraits. They're detailed, commissioned, and subject to deadlines and review. Maybe it's not your fave way to paint, but it makes you money.

And sometimes, in the middle of a commission or at the end of the day, you look at all your open paints and you think, "well, they're already there." So you set up a blank canvas and start splashing colors down. You make bold, impressionist paintings! You explore! You have fun! You don't worry about painting in the lines!

And when you go back to your portraits, you've learned a little something about bold colors and broad strokes. You're a little more daring. You played with something you find beautiful, and you can refine it.

And when you go back to your own art--the art that makes you happy, that feels like release-- your professional work has taught you things, too. Maybe it's working on a schedule, or finishing projects, or how to make quick details.

Then your work projects are done. You take a day or two off. You go to your studio. You look at your closed paints and your blank canvas, and all you feel is dread.

"What am I doing wrong?" you ask (I ask). "All I wanted was time for the things I loved, and now that I have time, my imagination is dead."

I write for a living. And every time I'm done with a project and finally have time for my own writing, it's like my creativity is totally gone.

It's not burnout (it partly is, but it's more than that). It's that I need both; the fun and the friction, the painstaking detail and the free expanse. I've been angry with myself, I've bemoaned my lack of focus, I've felt like a fraud.

Reframing this process as a technique instead of a liability has let me have a lot more grace for myself. It's let me take my rests as rests, instead of dwelling in a fugue of "I should be productive." The creativity comes back. It always comes back.

#writing #fanfiction #phyn writes #long post #author struggles #metaphors #imposter syndrome

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charliesimss · 1 year

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@simmingbeauty

1.If your oc was to host a TV show, what would it be about? Would your oc be good at it? What sorts of guests would appear?

He'd host a podcast like sickboy and have people with disabilities/chronic illnesses on it, and he'd be good at it because he'd be doing what he knows.

3. If you were to choose another name for your oc, what do you think it would be? Did you choose it for how it sounds or for its meaning?

I chose a different name for him before I chose Hemming, it was Bowen James, and now its Hemming James, both were for the sound of the name, and Hemming is from A Little Life, and I simply named him that because I like the character in the book. I dont think I've ever named an oc a name because of meaning. 💀

5. How well would your oc fare as a teacher? What subject would they be best at teaching? What about the worst?

He'd be a hot teacher, that just became a second career option for him. He'd teach English because of the everything about him, and he'd be bad at teaching math or drama.

7. Does your oc have any allergies, intolerances, or other sensitivities? How dangerous is it? Does this affect their daily life in any way?

He has a pretty severe dairy allergy, it gives him hives most of the time. He mostly just drinks milk alternatives and avoids other dairy, it's a little harder when cooking or going out to eat cause he has to get stuff thats 100% dairy free.

8. How easily does your oc make friends? Do they have difficulty talking to new people? Why?

He doesn't make friends easily, he has a few close acquaintances that sat with him at the begging of college, but not because they have stuff in common, they're mainly just school friends and the same went for regular school. He made a lot of disabled camp friends, plus Lina who he met at the hospital. He makes friends easier in that setting.

11. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to your oc? Do they still feel ashamed for it? Were there any witnesses?

Probably anytime his esophagus failed him in public, he's still embarrassed about it, being disabled in public is embarrassing, he'll die on that hill.

13. How dangerous is your oc? Are they completely innocent, or someone to be feared? Do others know?

LMAO no he's not dangerous, worst he'd do is run over your toes.

15. What is your oc’s favourite time of day? Why is this? Do they have a daily practice during this time?

He likes night time, 3am, he'd wake up at that time, or more likely still be awake, and he'd write. Or paint. It's the best time to be creative to him.

17. How well can your oc keep secrets? Is there a difference between how they handle their own vs someone else’s? To what lengths would they go to keep something hidden?

He keeps secrets pretty well because he has no one to tell them to :crygun:

19. If your oc were to be arrested for something, what would it be for? For being too kind, for a legitimate crime?

Tax fraud ♡

vehicular manslaughter ♡

breaking and entering ♡

robbery ♡

21. Are there any public events your oc would love to go to? Concerts, plays, movies, parties, etc? What about ones that they would hate? Why?

He likes plays and concerts, he'd go see all his friends plays, and indie bands like m*tski and cavetown. He wouldn't really like a rave or festival though, very overwhelming and he doesn't really like being outside.

23. How difficult is it for your oc to get to sleep? Do they fall asleep the moment they hit the pillow, or do they have insomnia? Any reason why?

He has sleeping problems probably due to the fact that his brain doesn't work properly. He used to be on mirtazipine but was taken off it after high school and being kicked off that good insurance. So ever since then he hasn't known how to sleep.

25. How does your oc handle being sick? Do they pretend not to be? Do they complain a lot? How susceptible to getting sick are they?

Trooper is his middle name! Gotta live up to that chronically ill kid vision of always being strong and brave. 😌

He gets sick often though, his immune system sucks.

But really colds don't bother him, he's been on so many antibiotics he hardly notices them now, so he'll just take meds for whatever is ailing him.

27. What’s your oc’s preferred mode of transportation? Walking, vehicle, (or in a sci-fi/magic setting) teleportation?

My sister in christ did u read these? This is such a funny question for him. He takes the bus or subway like any humble disabled person. Or he'll have his friends or brother drive him around.

29. How empathetic is your oc? Or are they closer to being a sociopath? Any reason why?

He tries to be very empathetic despite being an aries. He always tries to put himself in others shoes or relates to their feelings if he's ever had them.

31. What is your oc’s sense of humour like? What do they find funny? Do they try to be funny? Are they actually?

He doesn't try to be funny but sometimes he is by accident and then he gets all smiley like 'wow they like me'. He mostly finds shows like modern family funny, just surface humor type stuff.

33. How does your oc’s own perception of themselves compare to how other people see them? Is your oc aware that other people see them differently (if it’s different)?

He kinda doesn't have that good of self esteem. But people around him think that he's creative, friendly, and has good vibes, no one's ever afraid to start a conversation with him, and they always assume the best in him and that he's kind, but he doesn't know this.

35. Is your oc a workaholic, or do they find it hard to be busy at all? Do they find it easy to relax, or must they have something to do at all times? Why?

He likes chilling. If he's not working he likes to draw as a hobby or write. But he's also okay just resting with his cats.

37. How picky is your oc? Will they not accept something because of the smallest details being off, or do they not care in the slightest? Why?

No he's not picky in this sense, even at restaurants when he should be, he's more likely to just eat something and have to go to the hospital later for an allergic reaction cause he doesn't wanna bother people and be a Ken.

39. Is it difficult for your oc to focus, or do they have no trouble being in the moment? Do they daydream or zone out?

He stays pretty focused at baseline, he studies what he likes in college so it's easier for him to focus, but if he ever didn't focus on something in school he'd probably have a headache, and if it was bad enough he might even tell someone about it!

#oc hemming #sims 3 ocs #my ocs #make my day #<3 <3 <3

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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8/26/22

I'm in a bad mood today. I wonder why. The aftermath of the big fight yesterday, it all starts setting in. I barely got anything done today and I'm really pretty pissed about that. I was planning on making my second hand-polished stone wire-wrapped jewelry piece today, my first *original* one. As an artist, it often feels like fraud to do someone's tutorial and just put embellishments on it. I feel like once someone finds out I went to college for art and I've been an artist for like... 15 years... the bar is raised just a tad bit more for me. Maybe I do that to myself, it can be hard to discern what's potential judgement from others and what's imposter syndrome shit. But seeing the gleam fade out of someone's eyes after you tell them you followed a youtube tutorial is just really crappy.

So yeah, today I tried to do an original wire-wrap. It was rife with fuck-ups the whole time. It took me like 3-4 hours of finding the right tools - I was trying to find a clamp for the wires so I could braid them, ended up using the clamp on my streaming mic. A lot of do-overs and stabbed fingers later, I got something thrown together. I think it's pretty bad. I mean, it's not horrible, but I think it's just aesthetically very scattered, thrown together and sloppy. I know I can do much better. But as for it as an isolated piece, I put it aside to check out again after I sleep on it.

Every time I have a massive fight, my self esteem is crushed. I wonder why, it was barely a fight at all. It was me flailing while my head was being held underwater. I barely even raise my voice anymore, it's all just like... pathetic begging, occasional crying episodes, desperately trying to fix things, trying to get to an understanding. It's pretty much always about my life, my problems, my struggles, my flaws, my weaknesses. And typically it happens when I'm asking for help with them. This is a very well-defined pattern, with mountains of history. When I have a problem that I need help with, I get the first thought that pops into that person's head. No checking what options I've tried, no research, no questions asked, just "here's what you do." If I disagree - that's being way too generous... - if I don't accept, praise and thank them, regardless of whether the help is... helpful. Or even possible. It is a guaranteed conflict.

I had this problem with both of my parents, with several friends, with my brother. In fact, it seems like it's most of my fights honestly, the more I look at it. Wow, this is actually pretty eye opening, I'm glad I wrote about this tonight, in a weird way. I am pretty regularly in need, I really don't have much... at all. I have very little money, social contact, things going on, extra hands to get things done. My life is typically very quiet and empty. There's always room for more, there is TONS of room in my life for cool people who care about me. I only leave my house to go hiking alone. I rarely see people at all. I live alone with my cat. Like... there's fucking plenty of room for people to be helpful in a wide variety of ways.

What I get is fucking lectures. What I get is "what I would do", typically unsolicited. And if I don't like it, if I ask for more options, if I even try to just modify what they offered, they get pissed. They take personal offense, as though I was talking to them about something they specialize in. It's fucking so strange.

So yesterday and today I was told how to run my business by the two people I interact with. My whole social world. Neither of them have worked in a creative field, neither of them have tried to sell their own art or music, neither of them have gotten me paid commissions, and neither have started their own business. In fact, both of them have told me outright that they don't even fully understand how some of the digital platforms I use work or why I use them. Yet they speak to me with authority, and act defensive when I question it. To put this in perspective, if I really felt like I needed to set my business in stone, it would've been founded in 2009. That means that I have been working in this field for 13 years. I've had a few breaks, but honestly not too many.

What's going on here? Well, my best guess is that neither of them are appreciated fully by those around them. So they come to me, a fountain of hope and optimism, dragging myself through broken glass with two broken legs towards the life I deserve. So they see an opportunity, someone is asking them for something. They get excited, they offer insight. And I... reject it. The beggar is choosing. Instead of trying to explore any other options, it goes immediately to this place that starts like "oh, you must not understand how this all works, let me explain", and then, when I explain my actual first hand experience in the field, it shifts to "oh, you're challenging me?" And that's typically where the bell rings and they start seeing red and swinging. So that's where I get really doe eyed and start apologizing and tip-toing like I'm sneaking across the DMZ.

I learned a lot of stuff from therapy and mental health workshops and stuff over the years. The big one that changed literally everything about my social persona was just learning how to push through the shame of asking for help. My entire career just never went anywhere because I was too proud, too "I'll just do it myself, I'll figure it out, I don't want to bother people" to ask for help. I had a weed freakout where I thought I was dying, legitimately 100% believed it, saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and I didn't call anyone. Didn't want to bother anyone, didn't want to stress them out, they're going through enough. That was a wake-up call to me that there was something really wrong with me. My shame was so powerful that it could potentially prevent me from getting medical help when my life was in danger. And it had in the past.

I learned how to ask for help, and also how to say "no". I fucking suck at saying no. I hate it. Especially when someone is doing something they're going to regret, and I know it. Because it just offers them a scapegoat on a silver platter. I'm the bad guy who said "no", so what they did actually wasn't a bad thing, I was just being mean or stupid or forgetful or didn't understand them or something.

So the demons I need to keep working on are, of course, pride and shame. I need to get my confidence back, pronto. I need to be okay with embarrassing myself and failing. I need to seek out real support and say no to lectures and debates from those who just sorta want to change my plans. Especially when they know very little about my plans and are not asking any questions or really showing much interest.

If someone in a position of support is not trying to understand your perspective and situation when you're asking for help, but instead is just telling you what to do, just... take a step back from that. I think. Maybe change the topic or something? I don't know man, it's really easy to combat this stuff within my own head, but doing it with other people is really tough. #isolationproblems. If my anxiety is just superficially judging a situation and telling me to give up or freak out, I sit down and get that fucker to ask some questions, to learn more, then start floating solutions. So, when other people superficially judge my situation and tell me to give up or do it their way, I just try to explain myself. Ugh, this is sad, I'm cutting myself off, I don't want to keep reliving this.

You can work on your own problems, but you can't work on others' problems. So what do you do when you have the demons of others on one side, and complete social isolation on the other?

You go out and make some friends. Any tips on where someone in their mid-30's (who's not really on social media besides doing this and posting on Instagram like once a month and doesn't go to bars and shit) goes to make new friends? Preferably digitally? I'm legit open to anything now, as long as those people have love in their hearts. I'm not sure if Bumble is the right call, it never seems to be.

I am overdue for that trip to the skatepark...

I hope tomorrow brings you and I some peace and joy, the world needs more of it.

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #mental health #spilled thoughts

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raven-quill-and-willow-wand · 2 months

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I was going through old notes where I was brainstorming random collections of letters and syllables to come up with potential names for some fantasy creatures for some writing I am working on, and one of the monster species I named were called tamlins, and I had a description written out and everything, and then I never used them and forgot about this note that has been sitting in my phone for a couple years, but I needed a creature for a minor character and knew I had a note somewhere that had a bunch of unused species. I cannot believe this happened again. They were described as lion-like bipedal creatures, and there was a lot more to it, but I wrote this long before I had any idea A Court of Thorns and Roses existed, and now I obviously cannot use that word as a fantasy creature because that series is way too popular and even though I absolutely did not base them off him whatsoever, there are too many similarities between the tamlins in my notes and THE TAMLIN. Like, Tampon-Tamlin. UGH.

This also (but even worse) happened years ago when I was daydreaming in class all the way back in high school (so it’s been over a decade since this happened), and I came up with these stone people who weren’t evil but were very misunderstood and villainized because of old conflicts with them before they were driven underground, and I had a whole backstory about the existence of these people and their god who sculpted them and descriptions of their black armor and everything, and I was like, “You know what I should call these? Dredge! That would be a cool name for them!” Yeah… If you know, you already know where this is going. A few years later, I played the game series The Banner Saga… Shocked, appalled, offended, the works. Obviously I had to rename them, but in my head, the creatures I came up with will always be called dredge even though they’ll have to use the new name if I ever try to get this stuff published. I just could not believe these things when I found out they already existed. I felt like such a creative fraud even though I had no knowledge of these things before designing them myself. The dredge thing really fucked me up, though. I had to go back through everything I could recall ever seeing about The Banner Saga to see if somehow I had accidentally copied it, but no. I even remember exactly when I stumbled upon the name during class. We were discussing Frederick Douglas in my English class, and the teacher was making sure we all knew the definition of “dregs” (it turned out a shocking number of the other students did not, so good thing she covered it because only a couple of them looked it up when they read it and the rest just… kept reading without knowing what it meant????) and then I was like, “Ooooooh, that totally fits with what I am going for here, but I want to change it up just a little bit, and ‘dredge’ is also a word that feels right with these!”

This post was way too long, but nobody will ever see it anyway, so that’s fine. I love that I wrote this out as though telling another person because imagining fake conversations with people is sometimes the way I process things.

#raven’s nest #The Banner Saga #A Court of Thorns and Roses #creative frustration #writing #accidental plagiarism?

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azenari · 1 year

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“happy anniversaru” | 4.20.21

to my person / universe: you'll have to forgive me because after spending much longer on work than I intended (and having way too many conversations with D), I have... negative brain cells. not one. not two. negative. I'm you emerging at 6:30pm this evening after 12 hours straight of having to smack people around just to get the most basic things done (somehow more tiring than just... doing things, but also more fun, fortunately or unfortunately). nevertheless, I wanted to come up with something for you using this cheap, paltry gift I have - words, which are free. pales in comparison to $$$$ edomae sushi, but it's what I've got. I don't know why our anniversary winds up sneaking up on me like this. it's not because I don't think it's important. actually, I think it might be the opposite. remember when we (and others) used to quip about every day feeling like valentine's day? the truth is, our marriage - our family - loving you - is the central theme of my life, the sun around which all things revolve. I'm never NOT thinking about it, because I'm always living it. this is going to sound funny, but our love is the most "me" part of me... funny how I so comfortably share that core of myself with someone else, to the point where it's indistinguishable where you end and I begin. whenever I'm feeling lost, having some crisis of identity or of purpose, I think of our little family curled up together in a fluffy, too-full, too-happy nest of limbs and I feel completely at peace. I know my purpose. where I sit amongst all the things and creatures of this world. maybe it's not the most dramatic thing I've ever said about love, but it's the most meaningful one. at least to me. on the subject of always living it... not to pivot back to 'dramatic', but the best way I can describe it right now is not dissimilar to Jeong Kwan's description of Buddhism in temple life. "Being a Buddhist is not about learning more, but 'living with it'. Prayer, cooking, chopping wood, pulling weeds – all these become a study. This is perhaps Buddhism itself." see what I mean? I've always said this relationship is the closest thing I'll ever know to religion. I still think that. whatever spirituality I possess, whatever creativity, whatever meaning I derive from life has the same eternal flame of origin — this thing we created and continue to cultivate together, this ever-burning fire. "ever-burning" both because I don't see how it could ever go out and because we tend to it constantly through everything from grand overtures to tiny, everyday moments. our version of logs and kindling, I guess. the point being, being with you - married to you, yes, but even before that - is like living in temple. I am always listening to temple sounds, bathing in temple water, eating temple food, growing plants haphazardly in temple garden, pouring my heart and soul and head into our small community. I am always a wife. I am always in love. everything I do is a reflection of that simple truth. so you can see why I don't know what to do with big milestones like these. birthdays are one thing - they're a singular celebration of self, be it yourself or myself, and that's a meaningful departure from everyday life. but our love? our relationship? that which rises with me and goes to sleep with me, that which lies in the beating hearts of you to my right and nyx to my left (whether I asked for it or not, bless her) and reo on his square every night? everything I do is a celebration of that. I know I don't say it enough, compared to a time when I felt the need to constantly be shouting because I was so unused to this feeling of flying. but I hope you still know that I feel it. that and more. I'm not a homebody... not really. I haven't suddenly lost my appetite to live. I'm an imposter introvert. in many ways, late-20's K has developed incredibly misleading calling cards... but I'm not a fraud, either. I just found what I love most, and am blessed to do everything alongside my beloved. no wonder I'm so happy at home. home, specifically, being wherever you are, first and foremost; the children we've raised and will raise are a close second. in being with you, I am living my truth. which is all to say that I think our anniversary is incredibly important, but pales in comparison to the importance of being present in this marriage - in this gift - every second of every day, with every fiber of my being. I am truly excited to commemorate another rotation around the sun relative to the day we publicly declared this to the world. but since the first day we sat down and looked, really looked, at one another... I have always known it in my heart. I love you. happy 2nd anniversary of our marriage, and happy just-another-day-on-the-eternal-journey of loving someone so fundamental to life and to self. ad infinitum, kareezy weezy breezy

#letters #2021

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violetsystems · 1 year

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#personal

As promised, I'm a little more rested. The holidays for me were mostly quiet. I saw both my mom and my dad. I spent this week returning and exchanging a gift for my dad's wife. I was adventurous enough this year to buy her a jacket which ran small. Asics doesn't have exchanges so it was a multiple package affair at fed ex. Which in turn, fed ex doesn't really have sympathy other than mailing back a package that wasn't properly prepared for drop off. I got it there by Thursday overnight and my dad sent me back a photo of her enjoying the new size athletic puffer. And that was that as they say. There were other things that weren't so rosy. My heat went off on New Year's Eve or something. The landlord fixed it. But there's always this ambiguity and bad feeling hanging over my life for it not to be intentional or have some hidden reason. I got the new year's bug to be a little more productive by posting my discography on YouTube. I had always wanted to do it. Must not have had everything out of the way to think about it. My real point was to try to generate income or at least try to prove somebody other than the bogeyman is standing in the way of it. It just seems to bring up new people to question your existence on the internet. And I've blocked some people for being nosy. People trying to talk to me through the dash that I don't trust. You get a feeling sometimes and I act on that when I don't feel comfortable. That''s part of putting yourself out there I guess. I logged in to reactivate my Facebook only to find a suspicious message from someone I literally haven't talked to for years. Offering a cybersecurity job and sounding more like entrapment or fraud. The context of why I would get angry enough to contact a lawyer? I've been applying for jobs this entire time. I've only had one real solid lead with a hair company in China. Which is to say if you can do that? You probably shouldn't rely on a lead from your first girlfriend who had a lot of problems and was a trilogy of relationships that held me back in life. Definitely don't want to be held back now. There's a lot of things I don't want to go on record about her and her husband on a blog. But if you trust me? You'd know that the situation was done in shame and intimidation and not out of care. I haven't talked to anybody since maybe thanksgiving other than Tumblr or my family. My friends who claimed they knew me vanished. Nobody reached out. When I posted on Facebook it's like this silent wall. Which is why you'd have to trust me after all this writing that it was more than suspicious. It was abusive. And even more so if you know what these people are part of historically.

I think I'm starting to learn I'm not at all sensitive as a result to intimidation. But it has gotten out of control enough to cry uncle. And largely, the response back seems to be this silent nudge of being a big enough boy to handle my own problems. The job market is a little scary to me. It's like people know I'm on a knife edge and am creative with my finances. But this is at the expense of my health without insurance or any real protections as a business or person. I can't hear back from a lawyer let alone a sushi restaurant. And I'm supposed to drink the koolaid and trust that the sun is going to shine. When it comes to intimate relationships yes I fully believe in that. When it comes to feeding my cat the right food to stay healthy I'm all in. But when it comes to people who don't have a really good track record for treating me right? That's a big fucking no. And that's my self respect talking. It doesn't surprise me that I connect with the people I care about in the way I do. It's not easy to read or gauge and that's the point. Love can't be demanding all the time unless it's warranted. And even when it is and I give it freely? There's no fear of missing out. There's no anger at being used. There's no feeling of misunderstanding. Just a patience and a knowing that somewhere somebody is thinking about me sweetly. I like that. The rest of this shit is just pots an pans clanging in the background for me. And I live in a city with thin walls. I got detained in Gold Coast Australia in 2015 on a tour I set up myself without a lawyer. I'm still here. That doesn't make the things that happened to me right. It doesn't even make it wrong for writing about them. Because these failures in protecting me fell on myself. And I'm sure it's easy enough to prove I can do the same for people I love. I do that by being there when you need me. And what's the secret cap? It's that I need you all the time. For inspiration a lot of the time. It does suck to be alone and live in whatever it is I'm going through. But when I shut the door and clear the air, my feelings haven't really changed from the core of what I dream and write about. It's just way too complicated to explain beyond what I catch up on in a journal. I have never been so sure of myself in awhile. But the frustration that every intelligent thing you try to do to fix a situation fails because it isn't part of some broader unknown agenda is crazy. And yet that is the world right now. A large portion of it has been locked away from a pandemic without the ability to see the real picture. And I'm sure it will come into focus eventually.

Preferably before I run out of money. That's honestly the weirdest lesson in all of this. What it takes to really live on a daily basis. How people with cars, gas, student loans, or whatever other extra bills afford staying alive is crazy to me. Let alone those people who don't live two blocks from a Costco. People out here always make me feel like I'm the bad guy or the bum while they give handouts to the real ones shooting heroin in our alley. There's a lot of that contradiction going on. Some of them you don't want to get involved in the argument because it's rigged. Like the migrant bussing crisis. It's like one big crisis act between politicians to game the government out of funding while galvanizing public opinion. I agree that a lot of social safety nets for me fell through. So many at this point. I just looked at a grant I don't qualify for because I'm not in a lease. The silver lining is that I have a landlord I've learned to be a better tenant with. And I get the innocuous thumbs up as a result. I also get a lot of disgruntled neighbors wanting to stalk me in the streets to organize about something other than my immediate problems. I handle it all the same. Like when I take a long walk and think about you. And I really deep down understand it will be ok. But it scares me to think that people aren't really there emotionally these days. There's no attention to detail. And it gets fuzzier when you are dealing with people who aren't in control of their lives as much as you strive to be. I still don't drink. It's not good for me staying alive and healthy. It's also not cheap. I wouldn't be living within my means with it. And there's a lot of things I can't really do without my income being steady. Let's just forget what I'm worth. I'm in this weird spot in life where I'm too talented not to fluster someone positively or negatively. So people would rather play jealous and wreck my chances at anything rather than say I made it on my own. Which is why I stay home on a Friday night and read in a comfy chair and take care of my cat. And even though there's no texts or emails, when I respond in kind on here, you know I care. I may not know much more than that. But you know I love you just the same. <3 Tim

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selfworthsam · 2 years

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How DJs With Imposter Syndrome Can Remix A New Mindset

I love mixing, always have – but I didn’t like the bit when I started out DJing – the bit where my hands were shaky as I tried to cue up the next track, just as I’m getting into my set. They shook because of the nerves of wanting to make it a smooth mix and keep the party going. Back then I felt little like an imposter, like I wasn’t good enough to be up there in the booth – the one choosing the tunes – but there I was: feeling a dose of imposter syndrome regardless. Imposter syndrome affects people everywhere, even DJs.

This article is for DJs who go through imposter syndrome: self-doubt around their skill, intelligence and achievement despite evidence of on-going success plus a fear of being exposed as a fraud. It’s brutal.

I’m writing this from a few years of experience DJing at weddings, nightclubs, parties, music festivals, business events, shopping center events, university open days, 40ths, 50ths and pubs. I’m writing to give some insights (and encouragement) to DJs everywhere who experience a little fear about being exposed as a fraud, even though they know they can do the job and venue managers continue to book them because they can do the job.

Does imposter syndrome come with the DJ territory? Maybe. Does it have to? Not forever.

DJing is performing. It’s also pressing a lot of buttons and turning a few dials too. There is an element of you being watched by the audience and they are relying on you to put on a good show. We get up in that booth, hook up our console and (besides having a bunch of fun) it’s still possible to have a little voice in our heads say, “don’t screw this up or they’ll find out you’re not a real DJ.”

What is a real DJ anyway but an unnecessary, unrealistic, and exaggerated mental comparison to Carl Cox, Subfocus or Astral Projection? Perform with some heart. Be present for the crowd.

I remember I’d been DJing for over two years and had weekly bookings around town, yet I rocked up to this one event and there was something about it that caused my nerves to shake and for imposter feelings to return – even though I’d thought I had conquered it.

I can imagine there are DJs who never experienced it, and some that have in varying degrees. So what can be done about it in order to keep the music playing and a smile on your face? Well, we all know what it means to remix the tracks in order to create the mood on the dance floor, so apply the same idea to your mindset. Remix it.

The causes of imposter syndrome, according to research, include things that happened in childhood, plus environmental, cultural, systemic dynamics, narcissistic tendencies (self-deception and self-absorption), perfectionism, over-thinking, etc. And though tackling imposter syndrome from those angles can be a bit of a rabbit hole, we can certainly practice self-governance and manage our mindset to reduce imposter syndrome - which is what I help my clients with in my private consulting and coaching sessions - book a session here) When you are not aligned to your highest values, you’re an imposter. When you’re living in alignment with your values, you’re authentic. Live in alignment with your highest values – the things you hold important, meaningful and worthwhile and you’ll feel confident in what you do, you’ll be willing to endure the pain of your chosen path, willing to endure moments of doubt, because you are focused on contributing to the joy of your audience out there on the dance floor – not to mention you get paid to play. Put it this way, when you remix your mindset, the dance floor is not ‘out there’, your audience is not out there (or down there) on the floor, you are there with them in the dance. I’m not a religious person, however if I was to choose, I think I’d be Hindu for the one fact that they see the cosmos as a divine dance between Shakti and Shiva – the two polar energies of the universe. It’s all encompassing. It says, yes humans, you are part of this dance with your strengths, creativity, dreams, AND your faults, defects and nightmares. It gives you permission, or rather invites you to chill out and accept things the way they are and navigate and mix from that expanded and inclusive mind-frame. In short, if you’re a DJ with imposter syndrome, get present to what is of value to you and you’ll never be an imposter, fake or fraudulent. You’ll be in the flow. Now drop that next track with some heart.

Want to take the next step to beat Imposter Syndrome and be confident? Take my free online course

Dissolve Imposter Syndrome Today and Future-Proof Your Professional Growth. Book an appointment.

Need a speaker for your podcast, meeting or event to talk about Imposter Syndrome? Download my press kit

http://selfworthsam.com

#imposter syndrome #dj #djslife #djset #turntable #dj khaled

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