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nightswatchdisbandmentera · 1 year

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Benjen gave Jon a careful, measuring look. “You don’t miss much, do you, Jon? We could use a man like you on the Wall.”

Jon swelled with pride. “Robb is a stronger lance than I am, but I’m the better sword, and Hullen says I sit a horse as well as anyone in the castle.”

“Notable achievements.”

“Take me with you when you go back to the Wall,” Jon said in a sudden rush. “Father will give me leave to go if you ask him, I know he will.”

Uncle Benjen studied his face carefully. “The Wall is a hard place for a boy, Jon.”

“I am almost a man grown,” Jon protested. “I will turn fifteen on my next name day, and Maester Luwin says bastards grow up faster than other children.”

“That’s true enough,” Benjen said with a downward twist of his mouth. He took Jon’s cup from the table, filled it fresh from a nearby pitcher, and drank down a long swallow.

“Daeron Targaryen was only fourteen when he conquered Dorne,” Jon said. The Young Dragon was one of his heroes.

“A conquest that lasted a summer,” his uncle pointed out. “Your Boy King lost ten thousand men taking the place, and another fifty trying to hold it. Someone should have told him that war isn’t a game.” He took another sip of wine. “Also,” he said, wiping his mouth, “Daeron Targaryen was only eighteen when he died. Or have you forgotten that part?”

“I forget nothing,” Jon boasted. The wine was making him bold. He tried to sit very straight, to make himself seem taller. “I want to serve in the Night’s Watch, Uncle.”

In fandom, we often talk about Jon’s antics in his first AGOT chapter - e.g., boasting about being the better swordsman than Robb, his admiration of Daeron I, his insistence that he is a man and not a boy - as evidence of his immaturity. And there’s nothing wrong with that interpretation at all - I for one think that it’s very valid - but I rarely ever see this exchange with Benjen put in its full context; more specificallyy, the full context of what’s happening this entire chapter (and honestly what’s being going on in Jon’s life up to that point).

Because there’s something so…depressing and tragic about a fourteen year old boy desperately trying to grow up faster than is necessary because once he is a man, then there must be a place for him in this world. Because this exchange with Benjen is not happening in a vacuum. It arises out of the situation where the delineation between Jon’s social status and that of his siblings has been made ever more clear: his siblings get to sit at the high table with the visiting royal family whereas Jon has to sit with the squires far away from familiar company. But more importantly, he is a Snow and his siblings are Starks. They have a place of belonging (afforded to them by their Stark name) whereas he does’t (because he’s a bastard).

So Jon has to nurse his wounds with the belief that despite his bastardy, there has to be something he can do to belong. And what can he do, except grow up and be a man? At…fourteen years old?

So even though Robb can sit among royalty, Jon can still hold a sword just as well (in fact better) and ride a horse. He can be great too, not because of his name but because of his ability; but I do have to quibble with Benson’s (seemingly) sarcastic response to Jon’s answers here. Are you even bothering to actually listen to what Jon is saying, Uncle Ben?

And I have to admit that it makes me quite angry that the notion of bastards growing up faster than trueborns is not at all challenged among the characters. Do bastards actually grow up faster, or are they forced to fend for themselves faster than trueborns naturally would, just like Jon is in this chapter? It certainly doesn’t help that Benjen agrees with he statement, despite literally contradicting it just some few minutes earlier (by saying that Jon is just a boy and thus too young to make any life decisions for himself - like joining the Watch).

And as I was pondering on this, I realized that Jon really has been getting contradictory “advice” all his life: he’s a bastard so he has to grow up faster and cut his childhood short so he can make use of himself, but he’s actually a boy so his abilities and desires to advance are only a boy’s delusions, but then he has to join the watch and be a man and do a man’s job (and make a man’s sacrifices as Luwin would put it 🙄), but then he’s still a boy at the end of it all.

Given all this emotional and mental whiplash, Jon is actually quite well adjusted. I couldn’t imagine having to be pulled into 1000 different directions because at the heart of it the question is: is he a man or is he a boy? And what can he do, boy or man that he is, because he’s still a bastard?

I think this chapter shows that no one really bothered to sit Jon down and tell him that it’s okay to be a child, and that he doesn’t have to age far beyond his years because there’ll be someone to look out for him.

Worse yet, this chapter shows a young boy desperate to find a place for himself in the world, because no one else bothered to do so.

#jon snow #asoiaf #valyrianscrolls #Do we ever in fandom talk about how Jon is really just a boy?#Because we should #He gets so many contradictory statements about being a man and not a boy #He has to perform a man’s duty but he’s just a boy #He has to bear a man’s burdens and sacrifices But he is just a boy so his achievements and strengths are not that noteworthy #Because Jon knows that Daeron was only 18 yrs old #But how is he supposed to put that into account #When literally no one bothered to say - hey kid you don’t need to rush #ugh #This chapter reminded me of that Taylor Swift song that goes like #“You’re on your own kid”#No one bothered to hold Jon’s hand at his young age #So he had to grow up faster than what was necessary - all on his own #NED STARK WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!!#And Luwin you miserable f*** - hell is hot for you I say #Did I cry reading this chapter? Maybe I did

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baby-girl-e · 1 year

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You’re on your own, kid

Characters - Iceman x Maverick

Summary - Ice grows up in an abusive household, but he’s determined to make something of himself. To survive.

Word Count - 3.7k

Warnings - abusive parents, period typical homophobia, internalized homophobia, vague religious trauma if you squint

A/N - This one was… a lot to say the least. It’s a heavy subject, but it was incredibly therapeutic to write. This is obviously Ice-centric but it has a healthy dose of IceMav because, well where there’s Ice there’s Maverick. Enjoy!

When Tom was a child he was fiercely independent. He had been making his own food by himself since the age of six, doing his own laundry since age eight, and pretty much everything else ever since. He didn’t do it because he wanted to, or because he was just like that, he did it because he had to. He did everything he could by himself to avoid any and all confrontation with his parents.

He was raised to be seen, not heard, and he had the bruises to show for the times when he hadn’t been so successful. The thought of asking either of his parents to do anything for him scared him. He knew that he’d get the emotional lashing from his mother, and then the physical one from his father. “You’re eight by now Thomas. You can do it yourself.” He grew up faster than the other kids, he knew this, but it’s how things were.

There was a moment when he was eleven when he realized why the crushes he had on girls weren’t coming like the ones his friends had, he liked boys. It was devastating. To him, an abused kid who already felt guilty for being born, was plagued by something that had men and women alike killed. Beaten by their loved ones and left for dead. He prayed to a God he knew had long since abandoned him to just take it away. “Just make me normal, please.” He pleaded day in and day out, just begging for a reason for his parents to love him.

It was his way out, maybe if he married a nice girl and got a good job and had sons then maybe his dad would be proud and his mom would love him. Maybe. But he was never so lucky. He soon realized that to pretend to be in love with someone he never could be, would be to accept a fate worse than a beating from his father.

So little Tom learned the art of hiding who he loved early on. He came up with excuses not to date, and fed his friends lies when they asked who he had a crush on. Then there was a day, a moment, when he developed his first crush. Oh, oh. He had never looked at his friend Matty that way before. They were 15 and Matty had just got a new bike. He rode like the wind to meet Tom at the park and he was suddenly overcome by how beautiful Matty looked. Matty was smiling a megawatt smile, dark brown hair falling onto his eyes as he bounded off the bike and towards Tom. He was undoubtedly in love, and it crushed him.

Tom went home that night in tears. He kept a straight face through the dinner that had been rarely already prepared for him. He profusely told his mother how grateful he was and cleaned the entire kitchen afterwards. It gave him a distraction, something to make better, when his own little world was crumbling. One that he had built walls as high as the sun to protect.

He had decided even before the new crush that he would never act on his feelings. At least not until there was tale tell proof that they indeed liked him back. He’s talking blinking neon sign proof. So he carried on pretending, pretending that Matty was his best friend and nothing more. He loved him so much that if this was the only way to have him, he was sure as heck not going to mess it up.

He so desperately wanted to leave that town. More than anything he wanted to get away from his parents. But he found himself imagining settling down in a house with Matty. He’s probably the only one that could make him stay, but that was a pipe dream.

That pipe dream disappeared on a random Saturday night the summer after his freshman year of high school. He was invited to a party at one of Matty’s other friends' houses and to say he was excited was underselling it. He felt like a normal kid, finally. He felt like he fit in and could fit in forever. But as he searched the crowded room for his friend all he heard was his voice. “Yeah, I know he’s weird. The only reason I’m friends with him is because my mom says his dad is mean to him, to me it just sounds like he can’t defend himself.”

Tom's heart cracked. His only safe haven, never cared. He ran home that night, sobbing. He was done. Absolutely done. How was he supposed to go on, knowing the one person he loved and that he thought loved him back… never did. He was so in his head about his emotions that he forgot to put that invisible mask on before he went inside. His childlike instinct took him straight for his mother, hugging her tight and cried. He cried over and over again, knowing what would come after, but god all he wanted was to be loved. To be hugged by someone who loved him.

His mom pulled him away and just stared at him confused, like she didn’t know what to do with a crying child. “Mom! He said he was never my friend. Mom, how could he?!” She just kept staring, dropped her hands and gave him the first piece of advice that could actually help him. “You’re on your own, kid.” Yeah, he figured he always had been.

///

Now, joining the military as a closeted gay man doesn’t sound like a great idea, but it was Tom’s only option. From the moment at the party to his graduation he worked his ass off to get into USNA. His grades were sparkling, he was on the swim and wrestling team, and even kept up a janitorial job at the local elementary school. Tom was busy from sun up to sun down and liked it that way, there was no room to think about who he was and the disappointment he was to his parents.

As he grew into his scrawny body and gained some muscle he started to attract attention from the girls. He obviously wasn’t interested, so he never dated. It wasn’t weird to the outside world because of how busy he was, his coaches even gave him shining recommendation letters because of his focus. He had an acquaintance here and there, but never again did he make a real friend. He just couldn’t trust anyone else.

The day he moved out was probably the best day of his life. He left in the middle of the night, his things already packed, and just walked out without as much as a note. He was sure his parents wouldn’t report him missing, they’d probably just throw a party. He had been saving every penny he earned for three years for this exact moment. He had his acceptance letter to Annapolis in one hand and a plane ticket in the other. He was ready to make a new life, one where he was in charge.

His first couple of weeks in the academy weren’t as bad as people always said. He was used to working from sun up to sun down, getting yelled at by older men, and keeping his things in tip top shape. That was his entire life so far, no big. He made some actual friends this time, nobody knew his back story so there wasn’t anyone to use it against him. The first friend he made was when he was in desperate need for a snack and one Nick Bradshaw was right there, granola bar in hand. He continued to do things like that, and not just for Tom but everyone, and eventually everyone was calling him Mom.

The next friend he made wasn’t until flight school, where he got to stay close to his friend Nick (who by the way kept the Nickname mom, it was just now Mother Goose). His assigned RIO was a man named Ron and he already had his call sign, Slider, but he never explained it. “What about you Tom? Have yours already?” He didn’t, but he wasn’t worried about it. He’d have it in due time.

The next week was when that moment came, turning down a night out in favor of some studying time. “What’s your deal Kazansky? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you at a bar?” He knew Slider meant well, but he just never could drink more than one glass, not after what his dad did when he was drunk. “None of your business Kerner.” Slider stepped back with his hands up in defense. “Geez man, just a question. No need to go all Iceman on me.” And there it was. He became the Iceman, Ice cold in the sky and on the ground. He was laser focused, loved by CO’s and hated by his fellow aviators. A force to be reckoned with, and graduated at the top of his class.

The first time Tom felt like the universe actually gave him a break was when he was assigned to a squadron with his flight school RIO Slider. The only downside was that he was assigned far away from both Goose and his other friend Cougar, though they had been deployed to the same ship. They promised to stay in touch, and Ice even told Goose good luck with whatever pilot they assigned him too. If only he knew. Ice and Slider became an unstoppable team, climbing to the top of their squadron quickly thanks to Ice’s focus and Slider’s ability to read him like a book.

Of course their ride to the top had to have a few bumps. Turns out his dreams weren’t rare and there were plenty of hopeful aviators looking to make it to the top. Him and Slider had been vying for TOP GUN for as long as they knew what it was, but so had the other Pilot/ RIO team that they were pretty much tied for best within their squadron. Slider and him had been trying so hard, even going so far as sucking up to their CO. “Listen Lieutenant, you’re the best I have. Honestly. I’d be stupid not to send you.” Was he telling him he’s going… or? “I just know that you’ll win, and you’ll get your pick at whatever squadron you have your heart set on.” For the first time in his life, someone needed him. And dammit it felt good. But he needed TOP GUN.

“If I may sir? I’d only get better at TOP GUN. I’d like the opportunity to try and be better.” His CO shook his head and laughed, something unusual for someone of such high rank. “Lieutenant Kazansky, if there’s anyone that could get away with not improving, it’d be you. I’ll send you to TOP GUN, but out there? You’re on your own, kid.” He knew. He always has been.

///

TOP GUN was… eventful to say the least. He was delighted to see his friend Goose again, but he had picked himself up a pilot that aggravated every bone in his body. Here’s this reckless, crazy, infuriating, son of a bitch, and Ice is in love. He’s never been in real love before, he’s not even sure he would know what it’s like. But there was something about Pete that he just couldn’t resist. Ice has been pushing down his feelings for as long as he could remember and god he just wanted to indulge just this once. It was dangerous, he was dangerous, and Ice could be throwing away the entire life he had built from scratch. But oh he wanted him.

Then there was Goose. His dear friend lost his life in a training accident, and it left Maverick scarred. For a brief moment, watching Maverick fall into a flat spin, it felt like his shot at true happiness in life. He had held himself back from love for so many years and there it was, falling towards the ocean. Once Maverick was released from the hospital Tom decided he was going to do it. He was really going to tell Mav how he felt. But when he saw him in that locker room, back turned, he lost his nerve and ended up saying something stupid.

The day came when he won the trophy. This was his greatest achievement in life so far and yet… It felt anti-climactic. He couldn’t see Maverick in the crowd and he just couldn’t shake his disappointment. This wasn’t how he wanted to win, with blood soaked hands and his competition dropping out. Then when he did show up Ice still couldn’t say much, he felt like such a coward. Felt like that scared little kid again, unable to defend himself or say the right thing. Weak.

They were called in to save the USS Layton and that gave Ice the boost he needed. Finally, something to do. Something to distract him from the overwhelming feelings he had for Maverick that threatened to drown him. What he didn’t expect from this mission was for Maverick to not only save him, but for them to gain their first air-to-air kills together. Then wonder of wonders, Maverick got him to buzz the tower with him. Ice, the no mistakes guy, broke a rule and dammit if it didn’t feel so good. As they climbed down from their cockpits he could hear the roar of the crowd beneath them, people grabbing him, congratulating him, but all he could see was Maverick. That beautiful smile that lit up the entire ocean was drawing him in. In that moment, he could’ve asked Ice for anything and he’d have given it to him.

Not one for fancy words, all he could think of to say was, “You!” And he guesses that was enough. Maverick looked at him with a cocksure face and pretty much demanded him to say something else. A dare. “Are still dangerous. But you can be my wingman anytime.” And that impossible, sparkling smile stretched on his face. He had done that, he made him smile. He’d try and get him to do that as much as he possibly could. “Bullshit, you can be mine.” Unable to resist, and if he kept looking at him he’d probably kiss him, he pulled Maverick in for a hug. It was on the bro side of hugs, nothing romantic, but Ice let himself have it. He was touch starved and hadn’t been hugged all that much. He felt like he could die happy.

That was until later that night. He found Maverick in his quarters when he had snuck away from the celebration. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be celebrating?” He wasn’t mad that Pete was here, just confused. Maverick was a party animal for sure. “Why aren’t you?” He was sitting on Ice’s bed, looking like the cat who ate the canary. “I asked you first.” Pete stood up just then, and walked slowly until he was in Tom’s face. “I came here to do this.” And by some miracle, Maverick kissed him. He kissed him. Ice hadn’t kissed anyone before and this was a new experience. He kissed back the best he could and just got lost in it. Warning alarms were ringing in his head, danger, danger, danger, but he didn’t care. For once he told the voices in his head to shut the hell up.

Their relationship spiral led from there, albeit a secret one. Ice told Mav about his childhood and had to physically restrain him from going to beat up his dad. “But Tom! He deserves to be knocked around a little.” He appreciated his boyfriend's antics, he really did, but he knew it wouldn’t help. “I appreciate it baby, believe me. But he’s not worth the trouble. He’d somehow make it about him and you’d get in trouble.” That seemed to be the story of their whole lives, Maverick jumping head in and Ice trying to reel him in.

Years go by and they remain a secret, like they’d planned, but Ice doesn’t really care. He told Slider and that’s all he needed. He didn’t need the entire world involved in his love life. They get older, and Ice continues to climb rank. He hosts party after party, secret boyfriend and open wingman by his side, and doesn’t stop to look back. Their lives together are full of more heartache, stumbles and fights, but in the end they always come back together. Being single to the entire world but his old RIO meant that he was the butt of plenty of jokes, they weren’t funny but at the end of the day they were just that. Jokes. He knew what he had waiting for him at home and he was being paid so… he didn’t care. He was Ice-cold like that.

Within the blink of an eye it was 2011 and he and Pete were still together. Ice had made it to Admiral and was even being looked at to become the next COMPACFLT. On a rainy September morning he and Pete were watching the news when the president he had just had a meeting with days prior, came on to deliver some of the best news he’s ever heard. The long battle was over. He and Pete could get out of hiding. They could live. They started planning a wedding immediately and called everyone they knew. Tom even called up his old friend Matty. He hadn’t spoken to him since high school, but it felt good to have some closure.

“Tom? As in Kazansky?” Hearing his voice sent him back to high school, a dark time, but Pete was standing there next to him holding his hand. He could face this. “Yeah, it’s me. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. And I have news.” He knew Matty probably couldn’t care less, he didn’t even like Tom when they were supposedly friends. “News?” He meant it plural too. Not only was he getting married next week, he was also becoming the COMPACFLT the week after. The president knew full well Tom was about to marry a man and didn’t care. He knew Tom was the right man for the job. “Well first things first, I’m getting married.” A pause, “and I’m being promoted to Commander of the U.S Pacific Fleet.” There was silence on the other line, and then he finally spoke. “Wow that’s… great Tom. But, we haven’t spoken in years, why now?” He figured that’d come up. “Well the person I’m marrying is a man. And though you didn’t know it, you were the first person I ever loved. You hurt me all those years ago and it hurt deep. But it was the kick I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and make something of myself. I have you to thank for all of this, for me meeting my husband. So, I called to say thank you.” The conversation was limited, Matty was struck speechless, but Tom didn’t care. He got what he needed.

A week later he married the love of his life. He had sent his parents a letter, the first piece of communication since the 80s, just to tell them how he was. Who he was.

Dear Mr and Mrs Kazansky,

This is your son, Thomas. I haven’t spoken to you both since I left my senior year of high school so I wanted to fill you in. I joined the US Navy, and became a fighter pilot. I became one of the best there ever was, and even graduated the top of my Top Gun class of ‘86. While I was there I met the love of my life and we’ve been together ever since. His name is Pete, you’d hate him. I climbed up the ranks all the way to admiral and next week I become the Commander of the U.S Pacific Fleet. I bet you’re surprised that someone like me could achieve all of that, well… I did it myself. I raised myself and got everything I’ve ever wanted, in spite of what you did to me. I want you to know that you failed, you tried to break my spirit and hold me back, even destroy me. But you didn't. You couldn’t. From the bridges I burned with you, I learned lessons too. How to love, in spite of harsh circumstances. How to thrive under the heel of someone’s boot. How to come out on top, even when nobody wants to see you there. I don’t know if you’ll ever get this letter, or if you’re even alive, but I wanted to tell you how I felt. And to thank you for being the lesson I needed to learn, to be the man I was always meant to be.

Love,

Tom

And on the back, in Pete’s handwriting,

Dear Mr Kazansky,

Fuck you.

Love,

Pete Kazansky-Mitchell

The day of Ice’s swearing in was finally there and Pete was the most excited. Claiming that he got to go home with the COMPACFLT every night and he thought that was so hot. Ice stood up there, shaking hands with the President of the United States, and smiled. He looked out to the crowd where his husband, Slider, and the rest of the class of ‘86 sat and couldn’t help but tear up. Pete was crying actively but still clapping with fervor and mouthing ‘I love you.’ He took this moment to soak it all up. He had faced all of his demons and, well look at him now. He had everything he ever wanted, a husband and a job that he adored. He had no reason to be afraid. And he did it all by himself. Well, that and a little help from his husband. But ultimately, when he faced the crowd once more to give a speech, it was his own voice he heard in his head.

You’re on your own, kid. You always have been.

#icemav #Icemav x Taylor Swift #top gun maverick #iceman x maverick #maverick #iceman kazansky #top gun #top gun 1986 #This is a Taylor Swift song #you’re on your own kid #eras #tswizzle

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