Steve is the first person Robin ever comes out to.
And it's good, it goes better than she ever could have hoped, it goes miraculously well considering just how reckless she had been about it in hindsight, how nearly accidental and vaguely self-destructive a choice it had been to wield Tammy Thompson's name like that in front of a boy she'd learned to trust within the past six hours.
The thing is, it's good, but she realizes later on that she never actually says the word. The big one, the identifying one, the one that gets thrown around as a slur as often as queer or dyke do towards any girl who dares not present in a specifically feminine way.
It's a bad word, a scary word, a word that drips off tongues like acid and drips drips drips a corrosive hole in Robin's chest every single time because if it's being said in her vicinity that means-- just at any moment-- anyone could figure out--
Robin doesn't care for the act of coming out either in theory or in practice. She believes that anyone she trusts enough to know gets to learn from context clues and anyone she doesn't trust will just never get to know her fully and that's good enough for her.
She doesn't sit her parents down and say, "Mom. Dad. I'm a--"
She doesn't sit her little apocalypse posse down and say, "Just thought you guys should know I'm a--"
She didn't tell Steve.
She doesn't say the word.
Because as much as she's able to accept who she is, it's so hard to claim a word that has been used like a weapon her whole life. Because as much as even her parents and her friends love her for who she is, there is something about saying it like that that makes her wonder if it could sully the support.
As if they'd realize oh, you meant like that...? and change their minds.
It's not until IUPUI, a little house in Indy with Steve, and a little record shop next door to the deli where Eddie got a job slicing meat that she starts seeing that word, feeling it anew.
There are zines at this shop, the ones behind the counter that she's offered after a few visits and a few conversations that she later recognizes as coded and questioning in nature.
There are stories and art and poetry and that word is all over them.
And the thing is? The thing that has Steve finding her crying in their living room one afternoon as she reads through the stack like it holds the answers to the universe?
Is that it is written and spoken and displayed like the most beautiful word in the world.
It's a compliment and a blessing and a brag. It's a little bit of magic and a great deal of history.
It's her, in the end. It's her and it belongs in her mouth, deserves to be spoken, because too many people are out there misusing it like a disgusting thing when it is divine, fucking love incarnate.
Robin tucks into Steve's embrace, his instinct to hold her even as he tries to understand what has her sobbing in the middle of the day, whether or not he needs to fight anyone about it.
He holds her and she holds him back and it only feels right that it happen like this when she takes his face in her hands, shaky but oh, so certain.
Steve was the first person she ever came out to.
If she's going to let the scary word become her favorite the way it is for the people writing it out so proudly, this is probably the place to start.
"Steve Harrington," she beams at the furrow in his brow, those big concerned eyes that she knows will be confused about this, but she knows will only hold her tighter once she explains. "Steve. Stevie. Guess what?"
"What's up?" he laughs, gathering the joy in her tears like she knew he would, and Robin feels something click in the moment before she says it to him.
Out loud and real.
Very nearly holy.
"I'm a fucking lesbian."
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nowen playing up the world's funniest bit post world tour (assuming the og cast stays on playa des losers whilst roti is being filmed) and just not telling anyone they're dating. abusing the "best friends" card to get away with increasingly more pda until someone cracks.
it starts off with owen carrying noah around on his shoulders like a neck pillow for a whole day. no one bats an eye; noah's lazy and owen's too altruistic for his own good, nothing strange about buddies carrying their friends.
and then the two of them just start randomly hugging whenever they want. people brush it off when owen's the one doing the hugging, until noah just walks up to his loving bf and clings to him like a koala unprompted. probably takes a nap like that too. but everyone politely refuses to address their mutual clinginess because it's whatever, right? nothing outlandish about friends hugging.
one day, during one of the casts' shared meals, someone notices that noah's missing and points it out. noah's head pops out from owen's shirt collar, revealing he's sat with (on) his chubby buddy underneath his shirt. eyebrows are raised, but it's overlooked.
later on, noah smacks his massive forehead on the corner of a door or something and owen rushes over to kiss it better, then peppers his whole face in kisses to "heal his boo-boos". people are starting to question how platonic their friendship is, but remember that owen's just kind of like that sometimes as a disaster bi and let it slide.
but after this incident the two of them get more comfortable playfully kissing each other in public and everyone is too awkward to outright ask if they're /srs or /j.
they start calling each other increasingly ridiculous pet names- escalating from things like "little buddy" and "big guy", to the classic "honey" "babe" and "dear", to outlandish stuff like "my little rotisserie chicken" and "my darling malewife whom i love dearly" and "panzerkampfwagen viii maus". no one knows what to make of this.
it isn't until heather gets fed up with everyone's hesitance to address the subject and corners the two for answers (she strikes me as the type of person to be super direct when asking for tea to be spilled) that the pair turn and nod sagely to each other. owen explains "we're married for tax benefits." noah laughs so hard he passes out.
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Porcelain Steve - Part 4
Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five🦇Part Six🦇Part Seven🦇Part Eight🦇Part Nine
"I don't think this is a good idea," Nancy says, a week later, as she takes a step back. She doesn't seem aware of the physical distance she's added between herself and Robin, but more importantly, herself and Steve in Robin's outstretched arm.
Robin frowns, pulling Steve back towards her body, eyes flicking to meet with Eddie's where he's been hovering awkwardly off to the side, feeling so very out of place. He was going to stay in the van, but when they arrived Robin had raised an eyebrow and said 'aren't you coming?' So, he'd climbed out and followed her into the Wheeler's living room, where he is now.
"What?" Robin asks.
Nancy crosses her arms and looks off to the side. "We shouldn't pass the doll around like this. The more we move it, the bigger chance of someone breaking it."
"It?" seethes Robin, "Steve is not an it!"
"Shit, no, Robin I know that. I didn't mean to say that out loud," Nancy says, then her face screws up as she immediately regrets saying that. "I don't mean that, either. I just, this is. Difficult. For me."
Eddie can't help the scoff that leaves him at that. As if Nancy is the only one taking this harshly. If she knew how long Dustin had cried into his chest two days ago she'd probably have a bit more perspective. Eddie's come to realize she's a badass with a shotgun, a great strategist in dire situations, but when it comes to being a person with emotions and feelings? He's not sure Nancy learned how to do that.
That might be unfair of him to say because he didn't know Nancy before spring break of '86 and didn't really get to know her before she packed up and went to college. This is the first summer since then, so still not a whole lot of 'hanging out and getting to know Nancy Wheeler time' has happened.
He did get to know Jonathan and Argyle, though. Got to hear about her past with Jonathan and Steve (Eddie feels a bit like an idiot for everything he said about Nancy to Steve during the worst week of his life, but he's used to being embarrassed by things he says and pretending he's not). So, he's heard about her steamrolling over people's emotions with her own logic and wants, though can concede it never seems to be intentional.
He tries to lower his hackles because Robin's already on the defensive and Eddie doesn't know Nancy. Just knows of her from people she's hurt, which is almost always a biased retelling anyway.
"Like it's not difficult for all of us?" Robin asks.
"No, that's not what I meant. Just- give me a moment!" Nancy whips around, so that neither Robin or Eddie can see her face. Her shoulders heave up and down like she's taking several deep breaths.
Eddie moves into Robin's space but hovers just beside her, unsure if she'd welcome a hand on her shoulder or not. She huffs out a sigh, as if able to read his mind, and the next thing he knows she's weaseling her way in between him and his own arm, using him as a leaning post like she might with Steve if he were, y'know, still a human and not a doll. He's not used to how touchy Robin is yet because she's only like this with Steve but he's getting there. He's not Robin's soulmate, and he's not trying to be, but he does want to be there for her while Steve can't.
"I'm surprised you're giving her space to think," Eddie whispers into the top of Robin's head.
"Yeah, well, Steve doesn't need to hear us arguing. It's like, all he hears lately."
He pats her arm with his hand since she's draped his arm across her shoulders.
Nancy finally turns around. "Can. Can we put Steve up in my room? I have to say some things that I'm not ready for him to hear yet."
"Oh." Robin says, before offering Steve out.
Nancy takes him, muttering a soft, "I'm sorry, Steve." before she disappears up the stairs.
"What's on your mind, Wheeler?" Eddie asks, breaking the silence that had settled uncomfortably since Nancy's return to the living room.
"I don't really think of Steve as an it. I don't. It's just- easier for me to think of the solution if I'm not thinking about how that's really Steve. I know that's Steve, that he's been transformed, but if I acknowledge that, think about it too much, I spiral. I've taken to just... thinking about some abstract magic doll instead of Steve. So, that was- it was an accident. I didn't mean to say it."
He feels Robin nodding her head, adjusting her stance as she crosses her arms.
Nancy continues, "I don't think Steve should spend time here. With Mike or I. We aren't- it's not going to be good for Steve. He's not going to feel welcomed or wanted here. Except maybe for with Holly, but she cannot know he's here. She'd try and play with him."
Eddie frowns. He understands that Mike isn't going to part of the Hang Out With Porcelain Steve rotation, because whatever beef they have can't be fixed while Steve's like this, and until it's fixed, that would just be torture for both of them. He's not sure why Nancy thinks she'd be just as bad, though, so he asks, "No Holly, no Mike. Why are you also a no?"
The look on Nancy's face is comical, a mix of indignation, sadness, and a bit of how can you seriously not already know the answer mixed. "Because I won't hang out with him. I can't be walking around my house with a porcelain doll that looks like my ex-boyfriend. He'll be left, probably face down, on my dresser, until someone else's turn comes around."
"You could put in the effort, you know. It's not going to kill you to pretend to care for a day," Robin says.
Nancy sucks in a sharp breath. "I do care! Just because I don't want to cuddle with Doll Steve and tell him all about my day doesn't mean I don't care. Just because I don't express my feelings and emotions the same way you do doesn't mean I don't have them."
"Ok, right, yeah, that was unfair of me," Robin concedes, "but what's the part you aren't saying? None of this sounds like something you had to lock Steve in your room for. It's understandable, and Steve wouldn't hold it against you, you know."
"I know! I do! That's why I can't. There's- Robin, you have to know. Steve and I aren't- we're still more like ex's than friends. It's... complicated. We're working on it, though, the being friends thing. But it's..."
"Complicated," Robin sighs, stepping away from Eddie now, halfway to Nancy before she stops walking, hands on her hips.
"That spring break, it fucked us all up, and the months that followed, but I was so- Steve and I were dancing around each other, and Jonathan and I were good, then not, on and then off and then on. And I-I led Steve on, because I would turn to him when Jonathan and I were fighting, or on a break, or whatever-" Nancy stops to take a breath.
Eddie feels something ugly rising in him, jealousy and anger. He doesn't have any right to be jealous. Steve and he are friends, and Steve's straight so it's not like Eddie ever even had a chance, but he's jealous anyway. That Nancy gets that kind of attention from Steve. That she can just keep pieces of Steve on a string, enjoying him when she wants and discarding him when she doesn't. Anger that she can just treat Steve like a yoyo and get away with it.
A little angry at Steve, too, for letting her do it.
"Did you and Steve have sex while you and Jonathan were together?" Robin seethes.
"No! No! There was one time, Jonathan and I were off-again and I tried- but no!" Nancy is pink in the face, and Eddie's surprised she even answers. It's not his or Robin's business if they did. He thinks she might only be answering honestly because it's Robin asking. "Steve said no. He told me he wasn't going to do that the Jonathan. Because he knew what it felt like to be on that side. And even now that Jonathan and I are done, moved on, Steve and I aren't- so it's complicated."
That's news to Eddie. He thought Nancy and Jonathan were still a couple. He's a little shocked to learn that Nancy is confirmed available and Steve didn't jump on the chance.
"Oh! I get it, now, why this is not a good idea," Robin says. Great that she knows, because Eddie still doesn't. "He said no, didn't he?"
Who said no to what?
Nancy's eyes snap to Robin. "What?"
"When you asked Steve to be your boyfriend again. He said no."
"He told you-?"
"No," Robin interrupts, "Steve would never, and you know that. I just know Steve, and the one thing he would never tell me about if it happened. That's why you don't want him here."
"You're in love with him!" Eddie blurts because he's also just figured it out and like Robin often does, has no brain to mouth filter.
Nancy looks to Eddie now, a small frown on her face. "Possibly. But it doesn't matter because I had my chance and it's over now. So, I can't have him here. Not while he's like this."
"I'll go get him," Robin says, leaving the living room.
"Eddie," Nancy locks eyes with him. The look on her face is pretty intense. "He told me no because he thought he was in love with someone else."
He blinks back at her. "Were you hoping he told me who? 'Cause he didn't. That's a question better left for Robin."
All he gets in response is an eye roll.
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They both startle awake to the sound of screaming.
Missa is upright before he's even conscious, blankets a tangle around his arms, heart beating like he's just run a marathon. The screaming has already died down, but there are echoes of it in the air; Philza, rolling over beside him and pushing himself up on his elbows. Rubbing bleary eyes with one hand, the other occupied by his communicator.
"Chayanne," Missa gasps, "Los huevos-"
"It's Tallulah," Phil cuts him off. His voice is raspy. Already, Missa's heart has started to calm, but when he speaks it jumps a little once more. "She gets nightmares."
He turns the blue screen of the communicator towards Missa, who squints at it. It displays a small black and white security image of the egg's room downstairs, Chayanne and Tallulah's beds visible.
"Chayanne gets to her first, usually," Phil says, and Missa makes out two small heads of hair in Tallulah's bed. His chest aches, and when he looks at Phil, the other man looks exhausted. The bags under his eyes seem deeper, somehow. "It's fine."
"I will go to them," Missa says. He shoves the blankets away- they're gathered to his side of the bed in their sleep, but Phil doesn't seem bothered.
"Nah," Phil murmurs, already pushing himself further up and out of bed. "I'll go."
"I can help," Missa insists. Philza turns to look at him, as though he's tasting the air between them like a snake, sensing the thick desperation and guilt in Missa's voice. "I have to- make up for things."
"You don't have to make up for anything, mate," Phil tells him. For a moment, his fingers twitch, and in the quiet, intimate darkness of their bedroom, Missa almost thinks Phil is going to reach out. But then he looks away, and his hands still. "But you can come, if you want. They won't mind. Hell, it'll help."
He's halfway out of bed before Phil's done. "I will," he says. He's determined to settle back into their lives, really make it up to them, no matter what Phil says. He might as well start here. Before Phil opens the door, Missa catches up to him and impulsively grabs his hand, intertwining their fingers.
Both of them stop. Phil looks back at him.
"You are not alone in this," Missa says, a little strained, a lot terrified. He stumbles over his words, struggling to translate what he wants to say, the complexity of his emotion. He settles on: "Estoy contigo hasta la muerte."
In the dark, Phil's lips press together. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that," he says quietly.
"It won't," Missa says, with more confidence then he feels. Something about the night, this night, makes him feel brave. He squeezes Phil's hand.
Phil squeezes back.
"¿Los huevos?" Missa prompts after a moment, and Phil blinks back to action. He drags his gaze away from Missa's face to the keypad by the door, nodding.
"Uh, right-" he says. "The eggs." Phil clears his throat. He does not let go of Missa's hand. Missa is one hundred percent fine with that. "Now, Tallulah's probably going to want another story, so I hope you have some good ones-"
Missa smiles to himself, and for a moment, lets himself believe they'll be okay.
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