#the last time I felt that much was when I read my lesbian experience with loneliness

[kjell-e]

Just finished Our Dreams at Dusk by Yūki Kamatani and tbh I don’t know if I will ever be ok again

#our dreams at dusk #shimanami tasogare #the last time I felt that much was when I read my lesbian experience with loneliness #seems like queer art is the last thing that makes me feel something

[butmakeitgayblog]

"Canon Clarke (I have theories)" may I ask 👀

Ok hear me out! I'm gonna try and explain this as best I can 😅

I believe that Clarke was extremely vocal in bed. If we look at the facts, Clarke has a big mouth and talks a lot. A lot. Often robustly, generally at inopportune times, and almost always out of turn. Girl just barely gave the tiniest of fucks at any given point in time. She did not shy away from saying exactly what she felt at any given time.

It's literally why we love her 🥺

And going off that you're not gonna tell me that didn't translate to the bedroom. How am I, a virgo lesbian with impeccable taste, meant to believe that that woman wasn't just as demonstrative in bed as she was outside of it? Just as vocal?

If you take into account the fact that after 307 everyone and their goddamn brother seemed to be aware of Clarke and Lexa's relationship, the logical question comes: How did they find out? How did literally everyone suddenly know about them without a doubt, to the point they felt comfortable speaking intimately about Lexa to Clarke? Yes Lexa wasn't subtle about her affections, but Clarke before them sleeping together was still very standoffish in her anger.

So what changed?

My theory: word of mouth.

I absolutely theorize that the guards/occupants of the surrounding tower floors quite literally heard Heda kom Body Glitter and Wanheda blowing each other's backs out, and then immediately started gossiping about it. Given the fact that their public interactions up until that point had been cloaked in so much pomp and ceremony, broken up with these strange, sporadic private moments of Clarke spending hours alone in the silence of Lexa's room as Lexa read and slept, to finally hear the sounds of them going full sapphic pauna on each other would've absolutely been something that any warrior would've gone on break and been like "biiiiiitch do you know what I just heard???" about immediately 🤷‍♀️

"Well what makes you think it was Clarke who was loud? Clarke was the one who fucked Lexa into a nap 🤨" you may ask.

To which I say: shut up and you're wrong.

Because, again, look at the facts. Lexa's love language was not only acts, but also she liiived for encouraging Clarke. Lexa was always Clarke biggest cheerleader. Her most ardent and vocal supporter. She was always the one stepping up and telling Clarke that she was capable and strong and everything else Clarke needed to hear in moments when she felt vulnerable. Do you honestly believe, after months of pining, when Lexa finally got the chance to make love to the woman who had stolen her heart and then spit in her face, that she wouldn't want to hear every single last sound of Clarke's pleasure? That she didn't encourage Clarke to completely lose herself in the pleasure of it? Do you honestly believe that when she rolled over and kissed Clarke, when she straddled her and made her writhe beneath her, when she licked through her folds and fucked her in her plush bed of furs, that she didn't ask Clarke if it felt good? If she liked this or that? That she didn't quietly beg into Clarke's ear for her to moan for her? Do you honestly believe that Lexa didn't pay attention to every twitch of Clarke's lips and gasp of her breath and use all those signals to make Clarke completely lose control? And that Clarke didn't give Lexa exactly what she wanted to hear? Willingly? Robustly? That she didn't want Lexa to hear exactly how much she made her feel? As far as either of them knew, this may be the only time they got to experience this intimacy together before their people pulled them apart. Do you really believe they didn't do exactly what they wanted to the fullest extent in those few hours they lay hidden from the world???

Clarke may not have been ready to tell Lexa that she loved her because of the anger and betrayal that lingered between them, but you're not going to ever make me believe that when she made love with Lexa she didn't do everything she could to show it

#sassymajesty #clexa #clarke Griffin #i also theorize that lexa was the only lover Clarke ever let herself be loud with #or felt the urge/ pleasure in being so #finn was the awkward rush of first love and sex #Niylah was comfort and solace #but Lexa? Lexa was love and passion #heartbreak and healing #yearning and fulfillment

[slarpg]

HI I'm currently brainstorming my own very lesbian RPG Maker game, and as kind of a casual gamer, I'm trying to familiarize myself with what lesbian games are already out there!! SLARPG looks amazing, I have a Mac but I'm dying to play it as soon as I can get set up to. But anyway. I was wondering if you know of any other notable games focused on lesbian stories, besides visual novels(I know theres lots of those, but I'm interested in RPGs and life sims.) Was there any other sapphic game that helped to inspire SLARPG perhaps?

Hey thanks for reading my ask anyway and hope to play SLARPG soon 😊

The thing is, I can't say I was particularly inspired by other sapphic games when I started making SLARPG

For one, there just weren't nearly as many sapphic games in the early 2010s as there are today. There was, like, Life is Strange and Gone Home, and some RPGs that had some F/F romance options like Mass Effect and Dragon Age, and a small handful of niche indie games like Mighty Jill Off and Lesbian Spider Queens of Mars by Anna Anthropy, but there wasn't nearly as much out there as there is today. Just to name a few, you've now got indies like Butterfly Soup, Signalis, Get in the Car Loser, certain subplots in Undertale and Deltarune, the continued existence of RPGs with F/F options like Baldur's Gate 3, and many, many more games than I can list off the top of my head. There's a lot, especially in the indie space

There are also more AAA games with sapphic characters in them now, but I wouldn't exactly pitch The Last of Us to someone looking for a queer romance story just because Ellie is gay, nor would I tell you to play Overwatch 2 just because the lore says Tracer is a lesbian. And I know Aloy has a female love interest in Horizon: Forbidden West, but I couldn't tell you how much focus that's actually given

But also, SLARPG was based more on my own experiences and feelings, as opposed to being inspired by other works of queer fiction. There was very little out there that I felt I could relate to 100% at the time, so I felt the need to go and make it myself. And, in fact, I kind of avoided playing some other queer games by my peers in the indie scene while working on SLARPG because I didn't wanna be influenced too heavily by them and accidentally rip them off. I just wanted to tell my own story

#anon #ask

[gatheringbones]

[“The way I told my mom was less than ideal. I was home on a school break and talking to Jessie for about an hour on the telephone. My mom kept knocking on my bedroom door, telling me to get off the phone. I was totally frustrated and came storming into the living room. She said something snide like, “I don’t know who this Jessie is and why you have to be on the phone with her for so long.” “She’s my girlfriend! And I’m bisexual!” I shouted angrily. I don’t actually remember what she said after that.

Telling my gay father was a lot less dramatic. He just said some thing like, “That’s great—whatever makes you happy.” Interestingly, he wasn’t jumping for joy over me joining the team or anything.

Jessie and I didn’t last very long; we really were better off as friends. I don’t think people, including me, realized how serious I was—this wasn’t an experiment or whimsy—until I met Jen.

Jen was the Big Dyke On Campus. She was a senior, super intelligent, opinionated, really out. Everyone knew who she was because she was a big-time activist, very outspoken about things like sex, SM, and porn. She also went to class dressed in men’s shirts and ties. This was no friendly, sporty lesbian that everyone found charming. She was a butch dyke, brazen in her gender and style, and I was drawn to her. She was frantically finishing her honors thesis when we first met, and so our early encounters were at the library. I remember kissing her for the first time on the library steps and feeling such intense desire that I thought I would explode and shatter into tiny bits of flesh at her feet. She was a brilliant flirt, so self-assured, so deliberate and generous with her words, so powerful at casting a spell on me. Consumed by her, I wanted to surrender, to give her everything. She was the smartest, fiercest lesbian I knew. And then she was my girlfriend.

Jen used to read On Our Backs and Susie Bright’s Lesbian Sex World to me at bedtime every night. (She was even in charge of bringing Susie Bright to speak on campus that spring.) We were so connected, so engaged in the relationship. Every single day, there was something new to learn, share, discover. I did so many things for the first time with Jen. Jen was the first girl I ever lived with. I experienced the tremors of my first earthquake in bed with Jen and her yellow lab. I had my first taste of what now is my favorite all-time food at the hands of Jen: sushi. Jen was the first woman to fuck me with a dildo. Jen was the first woman to tie me up. The first woman to spank me. To fuck my ass. She topped me for the first time, I bottomed to her for the first time, and we switched. We watched fag porn together. She was the first girl I ever fucked with a strap-on. She was the first girl I ever stripped for. Jen was the first girl I ever bought a tie for. Jen brought me to buy my first pair of Doc Martens. She was so articulate about her desires and her politics, so sex positive, that I felt like I could tell her anything. She was my lover, my mentor, my dyke teacher, and so much of who I am today came from her.

Before her, I felt closeted not only about my desire for women, but my desire to explore the myriad possibilities of sex. Coming out finally gave me the freedom to do so. I was never tortured or miserable with all the boys I’d been with; in fact, physically, they were pretty satisfying. I couldn’t always connect with them on an intellectual or emotional level, so I always felt like something was missing. While I was sexually precocious with men, I never tried new things, experimented, voiced fantasies—being a dyke totally coincided with my overall sexual liberation, and the two awakenings became intrinsically linked.”]

tristan taormino, from this girl is different, from a woman like that: lesbian and bisexual writers tell their coming out stories, 2000

#tristan taormino #bi literature #currently reading #terra preta

[lavampira]

book recommendations

tysm @winedark and @rosenfey for the tag <:

passing it along to @hythlodaes @scionshtola @coldshrugs @likeabirdinflight @lesbianalicent @veeples @narrativefoiltrope @kirnet @disequilibria @jennystahl @elvves @queenofthieves @weird-ecologies @erielake @verbose-vespertine @solarisrenbeth @onceinabluemoony @queerbrujas @oldblood but ofc no pressure!!

1. the last book I read:

GOTH WESTERN by LIVALI WYLE — well. technically, it’s an indie graphic novel. but it’s a western meets magical realism about necromancy, revenge, and the power of love. and lesbians. I burned through it in a couple hours sitting because I was so gripped by it tbh.

2. a book I recommend:

THE HACIENDA by ISABEL CAÑAS — an absolute all time fave book in my heart; I would say one doesn’t even need to necessarily love horror to get invested in this one, since it also involves very interesting critique of spanish colonialism, religion, and class struggles in post-independence mexico only using hauntings as the lens to view it.

3. a book that I couldn’t put down:

THE PRIORY OF THE ORANGE TREE by SAMANTHA SHANNON — I was glued to this book for a solid two weeks despite its length. I have a lot that I would change about the pacing and certain events or qualities of some characters’ outcomes, but it was such a fun fantasy read, and I had a difficult time even moving on from the setting and protagonists once I was done.

4. a book I’ve read twice (or more):

THE SONG OF ACHILLES by MADELINE MILLER — my first time reading this myth retelling was my freshman year of college, so I reread it again ten years later to see if it would still hold up for how much I loved it, and it absolutely did. the perspective of the man standing beside and in love with the hero interwoven with the tragedy of achilles and patroclus takes me right out and the passages that tumblr enjoys to quote from it have so much more impact in the full context of the narrative.

5. a book on my TBR:

OUR WIVES UNDER THE SEA by JULIA ARMFIELD — this poor book keeps getting knocked down on my TBR but I’m determined to read it this year. I’m intrigued by the horror of the protagonist’s wife ‘coming back wrong’ in a sense, and the recommendations based on its similarity to ANNIHILATION, but also the fact it seems to be a wlw scifi horror, too.

6. a book I’ve put down:

AFFINITY by SARAH WATERS — I wanted to like this one so bad, considering how often waters has been hyped up to me as The Author for historical lesbian novels and the fact it delves into victorian spiritualism, but the pacing felt so slow at getting to the point in the plot, and when it finally did, the twist put me off on finishing the end. it’s probably more of a case of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ but I def had to DNF it.

7. a book on my wishlist:

GHOST STATION by S.A. BARNES — space horror quickly became a fave niche genre that I got into last year, so I’ve been very excited for this release, too. I’m also a fan of how barnes writes atmospheric dread and I have high expectations for it.

8. a favorite book from my childhood:

WUTHERING HEIGHTS by EMILY BRONTË — it altered my brain chemistry as a teenager in high school and I haven’t been the same since I read it. I distinctly remember listening to ‘you said I killed you — haunt me then!’ read aloud and having to pretend like it didn’t make me feel so completely unhinged in the middle of class.

9. a book you would give to a friend:

PIRANESI by SUSANNA CLARKE — I was recommended this one by a friend to begin with, so it feels like an even more perfect book to pass forward. I think it’s one of those books that’s easy to get absorbed into even if it’s not a typical genre one would read, and it’s such a life-altering experience to go through with the protagonist, too. the underlying message that we’re all changed by our own trials and we’re never the same as we were before lingers with me.

10. a book of poetry or lyrics you own:

CRUSH by RICHARD SIKEN — it’s taken me so long to finally track down a physical copy at my bookstore but it was worth it because it remains my fave book of poetry to date. I could quote so many lines, after how hard they’ve hit me, and some of them have influenced my own writing or pairings in some ways.

11. a nonfiction book you own:

HAVANA NOCTURNE by T.J. ENGLISH — back in 2015-2016ish I went through a true crime phase in the prohibition era through the foundation of the US mafia, and this is a very informative book on how the mob became tied to cuba and how the revolution affected it.

12. what are you currently reading:

AN EDUCATION IN MALICE by S.T. GIBSON — I stumbled across this retelling of carmilla set in a late 60s massachusetts women’s college after reading gibson’s A DOWRY OF BLOOD and had to give it a try. I’m enjoying it so far; the prose is full of thick emotional yearning and electric chemistry, and the balance in the narrative of toxic mentorship, historical romantic and sensual attraction between women without shaming them for it, and vampiric elements is really fun.

13. what are you planning on reading next:

WHAT FEASTS AT NIGHT by T. KINGFISHER — I only found out the other day that the sequel to WHAT MOVES THE DEAD was even released but I’m so desperate for the next part of alex easton’s story (and how eerily kingfisher writes horror) that it shot up to my next read.

#childhood is a stretch but i only read like. where the red fern grows. as an actual smaller child #and honestly? who let me do that? i sobbed for weeks i can’t consider it a fave after how bad it shattered little dani’s soul #dani.txt #tag game

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Top 5 comics that aren't bat related?

GOD okay I'm admittedly so so behind on my non-Bat comic reading because trying to read Everything Published In A 15 Year Period is fucking TIME CONSUMING, but! but but but!!! I have some fun ones!! also as always these are not in ANY particular order!

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021)

first off: yes we are including graphic novels! that's just a honkin big comic! nobody @ me! anyway, I read Thirsty Mermaids in one sitting on an airplane earlier this year and it was delightful. it follows three mermaid besties who turn themselves into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to get stuck when the party mage can't remember how to turn them back. what follows is a mix of shenanigans and genuinely heartwarming character development as the trio cope with being landlocked and try to survive capitalism. there's a high potential for a story like this to get cloyingly oversentimental, but Thirsty Mermaids struck the right balance for me the whole way through and never went overboard.

also, the character designs are soooooo fun. look at them!

2. My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016)

MLEWL is one of those books that actually completely lives up to the hype and then some, and it totally knocked me on my ass the first time I read it. I didn't really know what to expect going in, but I was totally blown away by how boldly Nagata's willing to share the ugliest parts of her life through this reflection. it's so much more than romance and yearning (and that isn't even really resolved by the book's end! Nagata continues to struggle with interpersonal relationships in later books, which you should also read!), and it felt really refreshing to see such an honest depiction of how much being depressed and anxious and insecure can just fucking suck. but at the same time, Nagata's ability to turn all of that into art and process what she's experienced in a really levelheaded way as she finds the will to grow and change is really affirming.

I have to give a special note of appreciation to the actual sex scene and how intimacy is negotiated between Nagata and the sex worker she hires, especially the ultimate realization that sex is just an act and losing her virginity didn't really change anything about why she was unhappy in her life. as a sex educator, I really appreciated the honesty and sheer practicality of how it was all framed.

3. Nimona (ND Stevenson, 2015)

hi okay yes basic bitch alert I'M AWARE, but I reread Nimona last year to remind myself of why I didn't want to watch the Netflix adaptation and I was so right for that, because OG Nimona fucks so much harder. it's heartfelt but also chaotic and violent and funny and deeply jaded; I think when I mentioned it in my monthly reading synopsis here I described it as weird art for pissed off queer people by a weird pissed off queer person. and I stand by that! if you haven't read it already or if you haven't in a while, it's right there waiting for you with an open invitation to burn the entire corrupt government to the ground.

I know the word feral is overused and therefore cringe but christ, comic Nimona is feral. come on, man. just let her kill your ex. he's a cop.

4. Superman Smashes the Klan (Gene Luen Yang and Gurihiru, 2020)

I had to get one DC comic in here, sue me! it's not Batman-related at all! it's a really rad Superman story that takes place in the 1940s and loosely reimagines an old radio serial, "Clan of the Fiery Cross," the was pretty much a 16-part hit piece on the KKK that was hugely successful in tarnishing their reputation and getting membership to drop. how cool is that? in this version we follow Lee family, Chinese-Americans who have just moved to Metropolis and are met with harassment from the local Klansmen, contrasted with Clark, early in his hero career, still figuring out the full extent of his alien abilities. you get some really nice parallel storytelling between the Lee kids, Tommy and Roberta, exploring what it means to be part of two different cultures at the same time Clark is going through something similar figuring out how to be a representative of two totally different planets, and it all works out in a way that's really sweet. now that I have a friend who's a baby I can't wait until he's old enough to get a copy.

it's an extremely comic book-y comic but in, like, the best way possible.

5. Hawkeye (Matt Fraction and David Aja, 2012-2015)

I can't believe I almost forgot to list tumblr darling Matt Fraction's Hawkeye! what do I even say about this series that hasn't been said already? I love the way Clint Barton is a sadsack piece of shit who's repeatedly ruined his own life, and I love rooting for him anyway because he's just trying so goddamn hard. and also because there's a teenage girl who stole his name and gimmick bullying him the whole time. (Kate Bishop you are everything to me and you will always be famous.) there are costumes and crime fighting but it's first and foremost a slice of life about a life that fucking sucks but keeps on trucking anyway, and that's so up my alley it's not even funny. a lot of the humor probably feels dated now but fuck it, the series is iconic for a reason.

MCU, eat your heart out.

bonus because I wrote out the whole thing and then decided I wanted to include a different one: Paper Girls (Brian K. Vaughan and Cliff Chiang, 2015-2019)

I'd be lying if I said that the thing about this series that I love first and foremost wasn't the art, because Chiang's art is breathtaking and I'll read anything ever if he does the art on it. but it's also just a super cool twisty, time-bending story about four girls getting roped into some high sci-fi bullshit when they're just trying to finish up their paper routes the morning after Halloween and having everything go to hell around them. I really respect a series that is committed to being weird and doesn't really care if you don't understand what's going on for a decent chunk of the plot, especially because it all comes together in a way that's pretty satisfying. waiting to read the whole series in one big run once it was all published so that I could track all the little hints and clues and things coming together across time travel bullshit was mwah, delicious.

also more than anything it's a story about how you Do Not fuck with 12 year old girls, especially in packs, because they're metal as hell, and I'm really about that.

#bookblr

[kaiandels]

Two Hearts pt. 3: Ellie Williams x Reader (Ellie’s POV)

🐚

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - part 5 - part 6

writers note: hi! so i wanted to explain why the “cover pictures” are different from the last. the pictures that are plastered on here resembles the reader’s and Ellie’s thoughts. So since this is Ellie’s POV, it is self-explanatory why there are 2 different girls in these pictures. (the reader is the one on the left). So Ellie’s POV happened at the same time when you were ranting to Dina. Hope you enjoy! (I hope y’all still like it. I wasn’t proud of this as much)

warnings: a little kissies shared between the girl and Ellie (SORRY!!!) , mild swearing (that will never go away especially since this is Ellie’s POV.) , It’s not that sad anymore! , Involves text messages with Dina, Jesse, and the reader.

Not Proofread :// I give up

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿

‘Fuck, why did I leave her like that?’ Ellie thought to herself as she stood in front of her date’s door. Debating whether she should try to fix this or just run back home and be with you. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck’ Ellie’s thoughts cluttered her head as she began to knock on the door. “Cat?” Ellie screamed wanting to just get it over with. 5 seconds in, there were no answers which relieved her for a second. Because it means that she has an excuse to hang out with you instead. Well, that is… until the door opened. “Hey Els…” Cat greeted. Her voice seeming very glum. “Hey…” Ellie said softly as she looked up and down at Cat’s figure. “May I come in?” Cat smiled and nodded as she stepped aside to let Ellie in.

“Look… Cat, I’m really fuckin’ sorry. I should’ve been focusing on you that night. You were so breathtaking and you didn’t deserve any of that.” Ellie breathed glancing at Cat’s small figure as she had her back turned to close the door. “It’s fine, Els. She was your bestfriend, I overreacted. I shouldn’t have and i’m sorry.” Cat smiled as she finally faced Ellie. “But… you can make it up to me?” Cat’s tone sounding mischievous. “Yeah? Can I get a kiss?” Ellie said smirking, getting cockier. Ellie must’ve been sick if she had gone through the day without being cocky.

“I don’t know… can you?” Cat giggled as Ellie creeped closer and closer to her face, their lips crashing softly against eachother. “So fucking cute…” Ellie mumbled against Cat’s lips as she grabbed on to her waist carrying Cat to her couch. “Ellieeee..” Cat whined as her legs wrapped around Ellie’s hips, smothering her face with soft pecks. “Let’s talk first, please?” Cat looked at Ellie with her doe-eyes as Ellie put her down on the couch. “We’re already talking…” Ellie muttered as she started giving Cat kisses on the neck. “Ellieee..” Cat moaned gently pushing Ellie away, earning a confused look from Ellie’s face. “What’s wrong?” Ellie asked tilting her head to the side.

“It’s just…” Cat paused as she starts playing with the collar of Ellie’s flannel. “I wanna know why THAT happened… Is that okay?” Ellie smiled as she gave Cat a soft peck on the lips. “Okay baby.” Ellie plopped herself down on the couch, facing Cat as she thought hard about what she wanted to say. “Y/n has been my friend ever since kindergarten. So you know… right?” Ellie stared in to Cat’s eyes, expecting an answer or maybe a sign that she should stop talking. “Yes, I know. Just please be straightforward with me baby.”

“I liked her back then. Okay? It was a year ago, Baby. And I just stopped ‘cause I couldn’t read her. I don’t know if she’s straight, confused, gay, or experimenting. I don’t know baby, i’m just over it.” Ellie said grabbing on to Cat’s hands, gripping on it tightly as she felt that Cat was having a sense of doubt. And if she was ever going to be with this girl, she had to make her feel that she was the only one. Okay kudos for a masc lesbian

“Okay… but why do you call her “Babe”? Why are you guys always touchy with eachother? Why do you post her more than me? I’m sorry Ellie, it’s just really hard to think about.” Ellie went silent for a moment not knowing how to defend herself or think of a reason to earn Cat’s peace of mind. “I’m sorry baby.” Ellie said, her voice breaking. “You still love her, don’t you?” Cat said smiling bitterly as she brought the back of Ellie’s hand against her lips, hoping that Ellie would say no. “I… I don’t know. Fuck. Cat, i’m sorry.” Ellie said looking down at her lap, clearly ashamed of herself. She was thinking of you before she went in here, And after that, she started kissing Cat, then next she said she was over you, now she doesn’t know if she still loves you? God.

“You’re confused, Ellie. And it’s okay, I forgive you. And whatever happened between us before and right now? I’d do it all over again.” Cat said softly kissing Ellie’s hand. “I don’t deserve you…” Ellie whispered. “You do… It’s just not the right time.” Cat said mimicking Ellie’s tone. There was a minute of silence between Ellie and Cat, but it didn’t last as Cat broke the silence with a request. A request that breaks her to know that it will never happen again. “Can I get a kiss? One last time before you go?” Cat asked scoffing at her own request. “I don’t know… can you?” Ellie said laughing as Cat laughed with her, finally bringing light in to the situation. “This time… make it longer. Please.” Ellie nodded as she cupped Cat’s cheeks, pulling her in to a passionate kiss. “I’m…sorry…” Ellie whispered in between kisses as she could feel Cat’s tears stain her own cheek. Cat whimpered as she cupped Ellie’s face writing the words “it’s ok” and drawing hearts while kissing Ellie. Wanting to make the moment last longer as she knew that this could be the last time she’ll ever feel those lips on her again.

A few minutes passed and they pulled away, gasping for air. They looked in to eachother’s eyes, trying to find the words but Cat seemed to still have the courage to speak up. “For what it’s worth, in another life, I would choose you again.” Ellie smiled tears forming her eyes as she realized that she was about to lose her girl over someone that she wasn’t sure of. But then again, you weren’t so sure about yourself too. “I know this is cliché, and you don’t have to agree. But I wouldn’t mind still communicating after this. We don’t have to be friends. Just- civilized. You know? Like “Ellie, help me carry my new refrigerator” civilized.” Ellie negotiated, making Cat laugh. “Sure, I won’t mind.”

“Anyway, I have to go.” Ellie stood up and situated herself as Cat did the same. They looked in to eachother’s eyes once again, but instead of a kiss, they hugged. It was the last one and they don’t want to leave yearning for more. “Goodbye for now Ellie.” Ellie nodded as she headed to the door, closing it behind her. Ellie pulled out her phone to message you, saying that she’ll be home. Expecting the little pink heart emoji’s with the excited replies.

Ellie sighed as she placed her phone back in her pocket, not receiving any replies from you soon. She took a taxi all the way home, thinking- or should I say, overthinking about what had caused you to act so cold all of the sudden. But then again, there were other things she needed to talk to you about. Not just you even. Also Jesse and Dina, but she didn’t know why she couldn’t bring herself to do it. In reality, Ellie and Cat were dating. They weren’t just going on a date, and it was slowly breaking Cat to know that Ellie would’ve shown you off on social media in a heartbeat, but not her. Because in reality, Ellie was taking care of someone’s feelings. And unfortunately, it wasn’t Cat’s. But yours. But even though that Ellie and Cat have already broken up, Ellie wanted to come clean and she was going to do it now.

Ellie closed her phone and put it back in her pocket, sighing as she ran a hand over her face. Eventually arriving at your shared apartment. She went up to the front door, grabbing her keys. But before she could put the key in to unlock the door, she heard the door click. Revealing yourself as you opened the door for her. “Hey, I thought you were at Xavier’s.” Ellie said smiling as she came in, closing the door behind her. “I just decided to stop by.” You said giving her a thin-lined smile. “Stop by? Y/n, you live here.” Ellie chuckled. “That’s the thing.” Ellie stopped in her tracks to look at you, kicking her shoes off at the same time.

“Ellie, i’m moving out.”

‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ - - ୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿

Special Tags: @gold-dustwomxn (im tagging you again but please do tell me if you don’t want to be tagged anymore.) , @lil-elliesgf , @ximtiredx

#ellie tlou #ellie williams #dina tlou #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #ellie x y/n #the last of us #ellie x dina #female reader #jesse x dina #jesse tlou #dina woodward #in denial #childhood bestfriends #tlou fic #tlou2 #tlou #tlou fanfiction #tlou x reader #lesbian #lgbtqia

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen,

I hope this finds you well. I’m sixteen and I’m seeking advice. I am mostly feminine, but in the last year I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable with that, which has given me a sense of whiplash. I’ll be perfectly fine wearing a skirt and revealing top one moment, and then feel like I want to jump out of my skin the next. I know it’s normal to not have all the answers at my age, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

I live in a progressive city and was raised in a relatively accepting home, but I still struggle with my identity and have a hard time feeling comfortable with the word “gay.” I’m out to a few friends (some straight and some LGBT), but I still feel so alone. This, of course, makes me feel awful, because I recognize what a privileged situation I am in compared to a lot of lesbians, and I feel as though I “should” be more accepting of myself, i.e. I end up feeling guilty because I feel bad. Plus I’m all jumbled up about masculinity vs feminity… the point is, I could really use some advice from an older lesbian. I don’t know any of those in real life (actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure that I know *any* lesbians at all in my personal life, which is pretty sad), and that makes it hard to envision any type of future for myself.

Thank you for your thoughts <3

It always makes me sad to read that young lesbians don't know any older ones in real life because I remember how isolating that felt. It was definitely one of the reasons I struggled so hard to be even just neutral about my sexuality and why I misunderstood being butch for so many years.

The butch/femme and masc/feminine discourse has gotten a bit out of control in large part due to the internet and social media. If you don't have real life intergenerational connections it can feel like ALL lesbians are on one side or the other of a very black and white line and that is just not the reality of real life.

I would say the majority of lesbians are "garden variety" or in the "comfy" zone of neither butch nor femme or neither masc or feminine. Just women who are lesbians and exist on the human level of having characteristics that are both stereotypical and non stereotypical as far as what culture assigns to us based on sex. Even butches and femmes do no necessarily check all the “boxes” the world thinks we should. 

My lesbians friends who are not butch or femme are comfortable in a wide range of clothing and hair cuts and it just depends on what suits them at the moment. Once we get a little experience under our belts out in the world we seem to learn to wear what is both comfortable and utilitarian without worrying about the perception of the outside world. When it comes to dressing up for an occasion like a date or an event I wear what makes ME feel best and while still balancing that with what I think women might find me attractive in.  I think it is a normal, common thought process shared with most other humans. We can choose what makes us feel good and still want to look good for others, especially other women. 

 I can assure you that, all jokes aside, no one can take your lesbian card for clothing choices, hair cuts or any other aesthetics. Your sexual orientation is what makes you a lesbian. Everything else is just being human.  Don’t mistake the community or experiences you might share (or not share) with other lesbians as a requirement of your lesbianism. Those are perks but not necessary. 

If you were sitting in your lawn chair by a fire pit with a variety of other lesbians you would hear many stories about how we struggled with being okay with our sexual orientation and it is not necessarily dependent on any support or lack thereof that we received. While an aggressively negative or anti homosexual home life, family or religious background can certainly make accepting ourselves much harder, even those of us whose family and friends were neutral or supportive had internal obstacles to overcome. 

Few humans are free from the affects of the outside world, even before social media. In my youth, movies, tv, magazine and my peer group all had some backwards ideas about what being a lesbian is and applied incorrect moral ideals to it.   I had to put in the work myself for many years to come to terms with being same sex attracted in a world that attached negativity to such relationships. Once I had lesbian friends, especially older ones I saw hope in my future. 

You are okay just as you are. Your personality, aesthetic choices and hobbies do not have any affect on your sexual attraction and orientation so be you, enjoy what you like and be honest with yourself about what kind of woman you want to love and be loved by. 

I hope you find some lesbian friends of many ages. In the meantime my tiktok might help you see that lesbian life can be full of happiness, friendships and variety. 

#intergenerational lesbians #lesbians

[gg-selvish]

recovering from parasocialism, the ideal of a faceless man, and a heaping tablespoon of comphet within lesbianism

my name is tender, and i'm a multishipper who writes self-indulgence. as of december 31st i will have been posting fic for dteam-adjacent for three years with very few breaks, and a lot has happened in that time. i've been harassed and cancelled multiple times, chased into priv twitter, and now my last remaining public account is starting to get swarmed over something recent that i believe is a pretty simple misunderstanding that i would like to clear up. i've been alluding to it vaguely and it's partially my fault because my word choice implied things about the timeline that lead people to draw negative conclusions about me. but we're gonna fix that now.

dream is my least favourite member of dtk, but in the beginning he was my #1 favourite. i went corpse -> dream -> dnf -> george -> knf for my favourite ccs and i feel like it's pretty normal for stuff like that to switch around, but the way dream and i were previously attached and the way that attachment broke was pretty interesting but i also don't think it was that unfathomable. and firstly, for people who won't extend this post: it had nothing to do with the drituation. i say 'about a year ago / over a year ago' and people's minds go to the drituation / drexit but it wasn't that for me that broke my parasocialism to dream, it was the face reveal itself.

i am a lesbian and i've been a lesbian for a long time. i also love mlm content as evidenced by the fic i read and write and that's also always been an aspect of my life to the point where in my formative years i identified as an mlm trans man because i didn't want to get called a fujoshi. but i don't like men and i know that now. however, i have a nasty, nasty case of comphet. unattainable men to me are a safe and comfortable way to explore attachment to men because in my life i've never really had a positive experience of being friends with or dating a man. early dtk was like a pipedream to me and i think that's why i got so deep into it. discord podcasts and alt streams felt like private calls with friends and they were men in a distant and safe way so i was excited to feel apart of that (partially due to my own genderfuckery and gender envy but that's not what this about).

dream especially. it was dangerously easy to get into dream in 2020/2021 because he was so equally parasocial it fed into a relationship that felt like equivalent exchange and i got deep in it. self-ship daydreams and fantasies i turned into fic and basically dating this idealized faceless man in my head for a year and a half or some shit because he made me feel so safe and comfortable the way he makes a lot of people feel.

but i was scared of the face reveal always. when it comes to me developping comphet attachment i usually am introduced to the man as himself, and determine whether i like him or not and then either cling or drop. like george was genetically engineered in a lab for me to fixate on, same with karl, but dream in his faceless and parasocial era was another fucking level. and i fucking dreaded the face reveal because i knew the second i saw his face the magic would break and i would realize he's a man and that would make me uncomfortable.

dream has said before that 'dream' the persona can be gender neutral, any gender, anyone, and i really believe that. faceless dream was this magical and perfect person who i really loved deeply and found so much comfort in. and with the other male ccs it was easy to remind myself 'be careful, these are men', but dream didn't feel like a man, he felt like a soft voice who was there for me and a character i enjoyed exploring in fic.

the way i got into this fandom was also different, i was never in it for the content. i wasn't really watching streams or vods, i got into it via a heat waves tiktok, binged fic, and lived off of clips, youtube videos, highlight reals, and fan content. that's just how i approach most fandom spaces. hell, when i was into voltron i watched the first 3 seasons, got bored, and read a shitton of klance fic with my scraps of lore and was perfectly content. i have never indulged in fandom including rpf fandom for the people creating the source, i love the fan content and the easy to digest stuff. i don't really watch movies or tv shows, i read books or write stories or watch longer youtube videos.

so we're building up to the face reveal. everyone's so hyped and i'm excited too but i'm also bracing myself because i know my heart's gonna break and it's out of everyone's control and i just didn't talk about it because it was weird and might kill the vibe. the face reveal happened. i saw him. i processed him in my head as 'this man is dream', and my heart broke a bit.

dream has always been handsome, he's still kind and smart and the least funny of his friends. nothing about him changed besides my perception of him. but that's the point i'm trying to make with this: parasocial relationships can snap like a twig in a very one-sided way. but in this case it was a bit equal again just like our dynamic before. because as i was recovering from the face reveal and meetup vlog and sad about this 'break up' i was going through that was so stupid in my head (i literally looped a taylor swift song about it it was a break up.) the drituation hit and i was really turned around. my deep love for dream was gone already, i just had lingering fondness and empathy, and then the allegations scared me really badly. i absorbed the evidence and believed dream was likely innocent but i decided that between my loss of parasocial attachment and this new grey-area of morality i was just going to distance myself. not to mention by this time it was late 2022 and i had been harrassed and cancelled by dream stans more times than i can remember so i was pretty comfortable moving away from dream.

then he made himself smaller, and wasn't really around much. it was easy to get over a lot of the parasocial feelings because he didn't really give it back anymore, so then the interest just wasn't there. and there was so much constant negativity i just didn't want to be involved. but even after all of this and wasn't really into him as a content creator i have never stopped having empathy for him. dream is a human being and i think both stans and antis forget that because i've always been displeased with what i've seen on both sides and aligned myself with neutrality. but the internet doesn't really seem to allow for that, so antis think i'm a stan and stans think i'm an anti. and most people just hate me in general. do you see why it's hard for me to be here? and it's not anything dream has done so i don't hold anything against him. we just broke up. i've never said 'i hate dream' or even really 'i don't like dream' i just don't really care about his content anymore and that's, like, super normal.

but why do i write about him? well, as i prefaced this and as is in my pinned post, i don't write fanfiction the way other people do. i write self-indulgence that's chock full of projection and weird niche stuff and heavy themes. and most people don't like my fic, but the readers i have love it and give me a lot of positive feedback, so with my passion for the hobby of writing, my familiarity with the dnkn dynamics i have established in my 'cinematic universe', and positive feedback for creating only art i want to create instead of clinging to realism and making sure no one's feelings are hurt, i just make art that makes me happy. sure, if i need a bad guy it's been dream a lot, but it's also been george and karl. my comment about doing him dirty in fic was fucking. starting hush hush with a dnf break up and having knf fuck in his bed in a college au. it was so not that serious and it bothers me people assumed i was writing harmful content to take out some weird hateboner on a guy i used to love. that's not me, dude, i'm 26 years old. if i don't like someone it's easy for me to drop them. when supermega was outted as shittheads i dropped them after being a fan for years, it is a perfectly viable option for me and i didn't deem it necessary for this case.

in the end, i'm not exactly sure why people are so angry dream's my #4. he's still there, just lower on the tier list. i didn't get shit when i actively disliked sapnap in the early days, but now that i'm neutral on dream it's the end of the world? and to resolve this i'm getting harassed more by dream stans insulting my new #1? in what world would that get me to do what u want, be it liking dream or disliking karl, or not longer writing. i'll reiterate again: i am 26 and write self-indulgence for myself and my readers. i've done this for a long time and i'd really like to continue if that's okay. if you think i'm dragging dream's character through the mud and beating him with a baseball bat in my fic i really encourage you to look at the fic i've written about dream. even when i lost interest in him my fondness and empathy has always been there. i've written a lot of really lovely things about dream recently, and even when i put him through hardships it was just a story, there was no ill intent towards the real person.

and most of all: dream doesn't care how i feel about him, why do you?

#don't piss me off on a website with no character limit #thonking #txt #drituation mention //

[forestdeath1]

Really don't understand why people keep saying that Remus didn't love tonks truly. I think he did but ppl around keep saying that he's coded as gay?

Hmm I think I'm not the best person to ask this because I have different views on the concept of love. I'm very open-minded about it and believe anything is possible in our world.

But I’m just wondering. What does true love means? Last year, my mate divorced his wife after 8 years of marriage because he realised he's gay (he's gay, not bi, because he said so. Period.) Did he not love her during those years? Or did he love her, but not truly? Where is the line between true love and "fake" love? Why is everything so simple in fandom? Life is definitely not that simple.

Regarding made-up "gay coding", it's really filled with a lot of bi-erasure. Bi-erasure is a reality, not a fiction, and it's embedded in our culture. Bi people are "not gay enough," so they are often overlooked (and also not straight enough). People often forget that a man can be bi, attracted 90% to men and just 10% to women or other genders. He doesn't become gay because of this. There are bi men who have never dated women or other genders, but they know they are bi.

And people often use the metaphor of lycanthropy-HIV for gay Remus, but this argument doesn't work because the HIV epidemic of the 80s was always associated with both gay and bisexual men. HIV is a story first written on the bodies of Gay and Bisexual men. So yeah, it’s bi-erasure. Moreover, "bisexuals have become the easiest group to blame in the spread of HIV between the gay and straight populations. Bisexuals have been stereotyped by straights as duplicitous, closeted men who participate in sex with other men and then bring home disease to their wives". Hmm... who in the books are accused of spreading disease to "normal" people? Isn't it the werewolves?

Bisexuality is an often invisible identity. Heterosexual and homosexual communities contribute to bisexual erasure, acting in concert to protect a binary system that is complicated and disrupted by the possibility and presence of bisexuality. Contemporary cultural norms and “pop science” demonstrate the acceptance of two types of partner choice—heterosexual and homosexual—whereas the bisexual person is made virtually invisible. A historical analysis reveals that our modern categories of sexuality came into existence as recently as the 19th century, and that the selection of gender of object choice as the salient feature of sexuality was not accidental, but rather it developed out of pressure to reinforce the sexual binary between men and women. When a literary character engages in sexual acts with members of both sexes, the character's sexual orientation is most often interpreted within the framework of our hetero–homosexual binary, even by the queer community as demonstrated in an analysis of literary criticism surrounding Jeanette Winterson's Written on the Body and Radclyffe Hall's Well of Loneliness.  Read more

Well, overall I try to stay detached from bi-erasure in fandom. There isn’t much that can really hurt me now, including bi-erasure online, but bi-erasure in real life is part of my story. Bi-erasure exists not just in fandom (which isn’t a big part of my life and I only joined recently), it exists in real life too. I knew I was bi from the age of 13 (well, actually, around 14-15 I thought I was a lesbian because my only loves at that time were girls), and I’ve spent a big part of my life as bi. In the past, I felt ashamed in front of some lesbians and straights, as if something was wrong with me, but can I change my sexuality? I know some bi people who, because of traumatic past experiences, prefer to surround themselves with other bi people. Not to mention the myth of straight-passing privilege. Bi people are marginalised not just among straight people but also within the LGBT+ community. Bi, trans people or people of any other sexuality (+) are considered outcasts.

So, many people take a character who in the original story married a woman, and label him as gay, finding "evidence" for it. They say it's not bi-erasure. If this isn't bi-erasure, then what is bi-erasure?

As I've already said, I am open to any interpretation. And in one fanfic, I write Remus as gay. Because that's what I want. But I don’t find "evidence" for this. I just decided that he's gay, and I interpret the rest of his story through this lens.

#bisexuality #bi erasure

[shimamitsu]

if u ever wanna complain abt blue flag id be all ears. ive had it recommended a ton but never got around to hear abt it

ah, the old blue flag. every few months i remember this manga and i feel pure anger deep in my heart. long post incoming! i know a lot of people like it so i'll preface this by saying that this is my opinion, you can still like it, let's hold hands and read manga together. anyway, blue flag. my main problem is that it feels like something that was written for heterocis people to sympathize with lgbt's people's existence instead of something that actually included lgbt's people's experiences and opinions. all you have to know is that there's this scene where a character makes a list of lgbt songs or smth like that and one of them is shake it off by taylor swift. yeah. i said this yesterday but it's not like i think it's bad for lgbt manga to be educational, that's totally ok. there are works like 'i think our son is gay' that are very good at that. the whole plot of the manga is that a mom finds out her son is gay and it follows how she learns about sexuality, lgbt issues, etc etc (it's also told from her pov). its purpose clearly is to be educational for a non-lgbt audience. with blue flag... it felt like they were trying to explain lgbt 101 to me and failing. it raised a lot of questions about sexuality that in the best of cases the author couldn't give an answer to (and sometimes it's ok not to, but we weren't dealing with queer theory here, the question was like. do gay ppl deserve rights), and in the worst of cases just fumbled the resolution completely. the best example for that is how a character's outing got handled. spoilers here ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ but man. the mc gets outed by his homophobic friend, later it is revealed that this friend is homophobic bc he got assaulted by a man (wow gay predator trope, never seen that before), and the manga could've taken 10000 different directions to deal with that but what did the author decide to do? yeah -> homophobia is just a different opinion! we have to understand where both sides are coming from <3 hell no. die. (it was awful and heartbreaking to read btw). more big spoilers ‼️ another thing that made me violent (and i mean it), was how the manga handled another character's sexuality. one of the main characters, a girl whose name i can't remember, spent the entire manga rightfully struggling with coming to terms with the fact that she liked women. she explicitly said she couldn't like men if i remember correctly. well. here comes a time skip. she's married to a man. how. what. and ofc i'm not saying she can't be bi, but she was clearly written as a lesbian. why on earth is she married to a man then i wanna KILLLLLLLLL. anyway the ending also sucked. in the time skip it's implied the main boys were dating (idek how we got there, ig we skipped the entire sexuality journey of one of them) but it was told from a 1st person pov for some reason so we literally don't see them together (i wonder if it was too gay for shonen jump). when this manga was ongoing, even when it ended, people were promoting it to hell and back, saying how good the "representation" was. i assure you i never saw a manga that centered lgbt characters be talked about THAT much, except maybe shimanami tasogare. it seriously was huge. it was a lot of people's first approach to lgbt manga as well. why people think lgbt manga peaked with ao no flag is beyond me. last year a mutual made a post talking about it and they made a great point which was that blue flag would've never gotten that popular if it wasn't a shonen jump manga and i totally agree. and i'll be bitter about it being licensed where i live while shimanami tasogare isn't until the day i die. but yeah that's a summary of my issues with it. obviously i don't recommend it lol

[genderfluid-info-blog]

Hi! I think I might be genderfluid. I have felt like I wasn't purely cis for a very long time, adopting 'lesbian' as "basically sort of my gender" for a while when I was 18, and feeling indifferent towards pronouns since forever (though using she/her because it's easier). I first realised last October that the way I saw my own gender sort of changed with my expression and how other people perceived me (ie wearing a dress made me feel more feminine, liking star trek around people who consider that a masculine show made me feel more masculine, etc). After realising that, I started to focus on how *I* felt regardless of other people's opinion. I am noticing now I find it quite difficult to discern gender roles, gender expression, and my actual gender itself. I have days where I wear a sports bra as a binder because it feels better, days where anything feminine makes me feel uncomfortable, days where I feel like I am both masculine and feminine at the same time, or nothing entirely. Yet on the other hand, I also have days where not dressing femininely makes me feel uncomfortable, and I've noticed that even on my more 'masculine' days, it is important to me that I don't feel like a man, and that I'm afab. On those days, I truly do not feel like a woman, but the part of me that is raised a girl and understands what it feels like to be a girl is always in me. It's an important part of the way my gender feels to me, at all times. This also makes me feel like I am 'faking' it (for lack of a better word), like I really am just a cis woman who prefers dressing in a way that is more gender-nonconforming sometimes. Of course I know that no one can tell me what my gender is, or even what "gender" is and how to define it, but I'd love to feel a little less lost. How do I feel more certain in my gender identity? Is this a common genderfluid experience (is there a microlabel for this)? Do you, or anyone reading this, have any tips on how to determine what my gender is on any given day, how to identify that feeling? Thank you so much for all you do on this blog <3

Hi! What you're describing sounds like a typical genderfluid experience :)

First of all, I want to preface this by saying that it's completely valid for your AGAB to be important to your gender! You don't need to resent your AGAB or distance yourself from it in order to be trans! It is perfectly understandable that having grown up AFAB plays a big role to you and that being an important part of your identity does not mean that you're "faking it". You're valid the way you are. <3

Now, as for your question to how you can feel more certain in your gender identity:

I have a very similar ask to this here with a list of things that might help you

Check out genderfluid spaces! Engage with the community, read about other people's experiences, but also just enjoy the memes, positivity posts, exchanges etc. Interacting with the community surrounding your gender can help you feel validated :)

Affirm yourself. Say your gender out loud to yourself, take care of yourself, especially on days when gender dysphoria hits, find clothes that make you feel comfortable and good about yourself.

Give yourself time. Everyone gets insecure from time to time, and especially at the beginning most of us fall into insecurity and self-doubts. It sucks, but it's a perfectly normal experience. It'll get better with time.

Engage online with posts that make you feel good about your gender! And come back to them when the doubts get worse

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Distract yourself with your hobbies, friends and other activities if necessary, but try not to fall into a hole of overthinking, that's counterproductive and just makes you feel bad about yourself.

If you can, buy products that give you gender euphoria. It doesn't have to be something big. A perfume, a soap, a bracelet, etc. Little changes can make a big difference :)

I personally don't know of a micro label relating to this, but I do believe that it's a common experience among many people. You're not alone with this feeling. I personally feel connected to my AGAB as well and to a certain degree it plays a role in my gender. That's not uncommon or wrong.

And as for figuring out what gender you are on any given day:

See how people referring to you as certain terms (woman, man, person etc) make you feel

Try to find words that feel like "you" gender-wise on that day, this can be literally anything! (e. g. rock, moss, forest, wave ec. sometimes it's easier to describe my gender in words like this and it still helps me put into perspective what gender I am that day, idk if that works for you, but you could give it a try!)

I can't think of anything else right now, but if someone else has more tips, feel free to add them!!

And thank you for your kind words, I'm glad you enjoy my blog🩷 Have a great day! <3

#asks #advice #genderfluid #nonbinary #transgender #lgbtq #lgbtq+ #lgbtqia #lgbtqia+

[swordpen]

On Criston/Alicent and Queerness

I think the biggest surprise of House of the Dragon for me wasn’t the gore or the truly batshit political decisions some of the characters make—it was how much I connected to Criston and Alicent’s relationship as a queer person.*

(*Standard disclaimer that my personal experience isn’t universal, queer people aren’t a monolith, I’m just analyzing this relationship within a context.)

Of course, when you think about queerness and HOTD, I’m sure Criston/Alicent is the last thing on your mind. In fact, in the parts of the fandom that interpret Alicent as queer/a lesbian, Criston/Alicent is basically the embodiment of compulsory heterosexuality. It’s two people violently clinging to the roles assigned to them: as knight and queen, man and woman, heterosexual and chaste. Criston especially is toxic masculinity walking around in armor, an incel who puts Alicent on a damaging pedestal and becomes bitter and violent when Rhaenyra refuses him.

I think this reading is pretty valid (although that last part is vastly oversimplified, and—well, we don’t have time for that). It’s probably what the show wants us to take away. But metaphorically, I saw a lot of my own struggles with queerness reflected in Alicent and Criston.

For all the power they wield relative to the smallfolk, Alicent and Criston both lack the privilege afforded to Rhaenyra: Alicent as a woman, and Criston as a lowborn knight sworn into the royal family’s service. Unlike Rhaenyra, when things get tough, they cannot leave—they must hide their feelings and continue to work within society. When Rhaenyra has sex with Criston, she holds a damning secret over his head, and while Viserys might forgive her, outing Criston will get him killed or worse. Alicent saves him, and he becomes the person she puts the most trust in, a second parent figure to her children. But if they do have romantic feelings for each other, they must keep that effectively closeted, while Rhaenyra and Laenor fairly openly pursue anyone they want. There’s also the whole underlying thread of religious guilt and repression, which is of course not limited to queerness at all, but is a dimension of Alicent and Criston’s relationship that hits home all the same--as does the ambiguity around Criston's celibacy and desire for sex, with the narrative making it clear that their bond is meaningful without it.

In all fairness, courtly love as a trope has always felt especially queer to me, even for how blatantly unhealthy it is: unfailing devotion that can never really become a relationship, deep feelings cloaked in several plausible deniability layers of “duty” and “honor.” And as someone incredibly careful and anxious, I really can’t imagine being as brazen as Rhaenyra. (I also have a bad habit of getting attached to characters other people don’t like as much.) It’s probably no wonder I connected to Criston and Alicent in a different way than Alicent and Rhaenyra. 

Both relationships are tragedies: Rhaenyra and Alicent are two girls whose love for each other is twisted by the patriarchy, yes, but also the wildly different positions they hold within the power structure. As much as they love each other, their conflicting philosophies and experiences have made it almost impossible for them to truly understand each other. 

Criston and Alicent also hold wildly different positions in the power structure, but their philosophies and experiences align far more. They do understand each other, the roles they have to play, the powerlessness they have to combat. They��re good at it. Their tragedy is that it still will not be enough.

#criston cole #alicent hightower #alicole #house of the dragon #hotd meta #tldr criston/alicent's relationship reads as a marginalized and non-normative relationship #where both parties have to be extremely careful and aware of the society they live in #which really connected with me as a queer person #it's really interesting how many different facets the show is playing with - undeniably alicent and rhaenyra #understand what it's like to be women in this world #but criston and alicent both understand what it's like to lack agency and privilege in a way rhaenyra doesn't yet #and since neither of them have experienced that freedom #they cannot understand why rhaenyra takes such risks with it

[ispyspookymansion]

kora if u feel comfortable could u talk about ur gender journey and relationship w lesbianism bc sometimes im like that tweet that's like. im probably trans but i have a job so idrc about that but. ough it's scary and confusing. what if im just butch.

oh wow! well let me think. going to put this under a cut because its longish

it was a much harder path for me to get to lesbianism than to get to Gender. i had a really hard time accepting that for some reason, it took a lot of agonizing, a lot of intentional repression, a lot of misery and wallowing around words and labels and avoidance and definitions. so by the time i got through that it then opened up some gender doors for me because lesbianism is inherently disruptive of the cisheterosexual matrix, but i really, really didnt want to go through that misery again, so i just decided it didnt matter what i was as far as gender and what mattered was how i felt and what made me happy. i only became confident in calling myself trans in the last ohh i dont know, 6 months? and yet ive been on T for a year! for me the actions came easier than the wording. i tried not to stress about what i was doing and whether it was or wasnt aligned with lesbianism. i trusted in our history of transness and masculinity and found a lot of comfort in talking to other butch and transmasc lesbians about their experiences and feelings, and found such a range of experiences that felt very relevant to me

ultimately, i feel like a lesbian. i knew that and i continue to know that. the way that i feel about the people im attracted to and the kinds of relationships i want to have is what connects me to lesbianism. i dont feel like lesbianism is my last thread to womanhood. it isnt a thread to that at all. theres too rich a history of gender defiance and creation to simplify it like that, so i dont let it be that for me. i dont feel dysphoric about being a lesbian even if cis(het) people might not understand me as being transmasc as well. + butch and transmasc arent exclusive and are often beautiful beautiful copilots in dykery !

i also find pursuing what makes me feel good matters a lot more than finding exact words for it. im not really sure what my gender is honestly? it took me a long time to get comfortable/feel like i was allowed to call myself lesbian, trans, and butch too honestly. but i went through a lot less misery when i took actions First to figure out what felt right and then accepted the words that naturally followed After. am i trans or am i not trans stressed me out much more than do i want to bind or not? do i want my voice to be lower or not? do i want to try a different name and pronouns or not? and then my answers to these led me to actions and opportunities that got me to feeling comfortably trans, without putting so much questioning strain on the lesbianism i felt at my core.

+ the opposite is helpful. crossing off what am i Not and what i dont want can be a lot easier than what Am i. woman has always been absolutely not right. trans took longer to feel right which is silly versus logically if i wasnt cis, i was trans, but i had to go in steos

i guess just remember that theres not a really hard line between butchness and the transmasc umbrella (other than personal definition obviously) and you can be one or both or one now and then later realize the other feels better. try to read about butches and he/him lesbians and transmasc dykes and talk to them where you can and enjoy the range of answers and identities and give yourself grace to explore that without so much pressure on whether its one or the other. youre still you regardless of what words to use to describe it so take your time figuring out what you want before you worry too much about what that means you “are”

ALSO you dont have to be butch to be trans and still a lesbian or vice versa you can be nonbinary or genderqueer or agender or genderfluid or etc etc etc and consider those under the label Trans and also be butch! or you can be those things but Not butch and still a lesbian! you can do whatever forever!

#im not sure if that answers anything! #it is really touching to be asked this since asking MY tumblr mutuals and ppl i followed stuff was important to me going through this for #myself ^_^ happy to help if i did help at all that is…..hopefully #if not feel free to ask something more specific ! #kora.txt #asks #anons

[aro-culture-is]

hello i’m so sorry to bother you but i think i might be aroace

i already have worked out that i’m ace, but recently i’ve really been questioning if i’m also aro

i’ve been in a relationship before but it lasted a week and the most we did was hold hands. i’ve been identifying as a lesbian for a while.

anyway my reason for questioning was that i don’t really think i can feel anything? i’ll see a pretty girl and go oh she’s cute but i don’t really feel anything more and i feel like i’m supposed to. recently i think a girl was crushing on me, but when i thought about kissing her, i felt really sick.

i still really, really, want a relationship, and i know im not interested in men at all.

i just don’t know what i am and i kinda hate myself for it

hi! it sounds like this has been a pretty rough time for you. I think it might be worthwhile to consider a few things here - the way you're describing your feelings sounds to me like you are actually pretty sure that you're aroace, but that you don't want to accept it.

in that case, i have a few thoughts. first of all: take a deep breath. it's okay. i promise you that this is not some kind of terrible fate. it's just one of many, many ways of being. there's a few different things you might want to think about while you process this self-discovery. for one, society often encourages a view of life in which romantic(/sexual) monogamous relationships are seen as The Ideal, and that life will be sad and unfulfilling without it. I don't know how much time you've spent talking to folks in their later years of life, but I can tell you that I've met plenty who never married and describe a happy life. it might be worthwhile to read up on amatonormativity to get an idea of this social pressure, and think on how it affects your feelings.

this isn't to say you can't still want a relationship, but, in my experience, I find that it's very worthwhile for many new aros to start with truly exploring if they want a romantic relationship, or if they want a happy and fulfilling life, and thought that meant they had to have a romantic relationship. if you do still want a romantic relationship - you're far from alone! even if you feel neither romantic nor sexual attraction, you're in good company. the same way that asexual folks can have sex for a variety of reasons, including enjoying it, aromantic folks can engage in romance. as long as everyone is comfortable, labels aren't really a big deal. do what you enjoy.

some labels that may lead you to communities or ideas that I suspect might help: romo aro is a term for aro folks who want romantic relationships, oriented aroace (such as lesbian aroace) is a term that may be worth looking into if you feel some attraction to women that doesn't fit well into romantic or sexual categories, and romance favorable aromantic works exactly the same way sex favorable asexual does - a quick way of saying "i'm a(-ro, -sexual) and i enjoy (romance, sex)".

I hope this helps!

#Anonymous #not aro culture #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod kee #mod phoenix #aroace #am i aro #oriented aroace #romo aro #for safety: #internalized arophobia cw #because ngl these asks sometimes are like. a little much on the sadness about being aro

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Hi, hello! I have very recently realised I'm on the aro and ace spectrums and I'd like to scream a bit into the void about my experience. It's been confusing and difficult to understand, it took me literal years and and actual relationship to come to terms with it (it didn't help the fact I enjoy the concept of romance, in fiction, and I consume some kinds of erotic contents).

This will probably be long, I'm sorry, synthesis is not my strongest skill and it's the first time I try and piece this all together.

I've quietly being questioning for a long time, quietly because I tried SO hard not to think about the voice at the back of my head whispering something wasn't ok.

I always identified as lesbian but it never felt quite right. It was always a "if I have to choose between men and women then I'll choose women, they are prettier" I never really felt sexual attraction, it's something I understood very recently. Looking at women or men gives me nothing. I don't want to date them nor to have sex with them just because I think they are pretty and it shocked me to understand people actually do feel that way, that's not just some exaggeration you see in films. Also I had some people complaining to me they didn't get laid in months (or more) and I always felt "???? And? Can't you masturbate? Isn't it basically the same?" and apparently it's not. It baffled me to realise it.

I've been in a romantic relationship for 2+ years, it started well I guess but the more time passed the more I felt suffocating. My partner required and (I think rightfully so) demanded a lot of romantic attentions, but for me it was exhausting. I tried and tried to give them what they asked, I did my best but never quite managed to give what was required of me and at the same time my requests to have more space and less romantic interactions where met with confusion because "were together" and the romanticism was expected. Sleeping together (non sexual), holding hands, kissing, were all expected of me and I felt so SO wrong for not wanting or needing any of that. I realized I felt deep affection (I don't know a good english word for what I actually feel) for my partner but not actual love. I know for sure it was not romantic love. And again I felt wrong. I felt ashamed and guilty for not reciprocating. I ended the relationship and started a self discovery journey that lasted a year or so.

I ended up here after realising I may be aromantic and it blew my mind.

I felt seen and understood, I browsed the links on your pinned and I couldn't believe it when I actually found labels that felt right for the first time. I'm not exaggerating when I say I cried. I'm not alone in what I experience and I feel right for the first time in a loooong time. I finally make sense to myself and I'm at peace.

So, after all this long rambling, thank you for your blog and your pinned, for your posts and the awareness you're spreading, it helped me and I'm sure it will help many others!

I wish the best to you and everyone stumbling upon this post 💚

Hey Anon! Sorry for the late reply, tumblr hates me rn.

I have to say I nearly cried reading this, holy fudge anon. You are amazing and you've done so much. I'm so so so proud and happy for you. You're finding yourself and thats about the bravest and most amazing thing anyone can do <3

Stay safe Anon, and remember you are always valid

#asks #best #save #ask #best asks #aromantic #aro #aro pride