#that hurt him and led him to make a reckless decision

[nelkcats]

Selfish Desires

Danny was tired. Tired of fighting, tired of running and tired of repeating the same routine day after day. Even Desiree could tell that the halfa didn't take her as seriously as he should, but she didn't complain. The boy had a rough couple of days.

That's why the ghost sighed and called for two chairs instead of continuing fighting. Danny didn't know what made him do what he did, but he told Desiree what was bothering him.

"They still don't understand," Danny murmured, his voice cracking, "I thought they needed time, I gave them time, but I don't think it helped."

"That's probably because you're the only halfa in existence, and they are humans" Desiree shrugged, "you know, neither Plasmius nor your clone are the same as you, that makes it a bit hard for them to understand you"

Danny was frustrated, frustrated because he knew the ghost was right, he was the only one who didn't fit in with anyone, so he made a rash decision. He ignored his own rule and wished.

"I wish there was someone who would understand," Danny said, allowing himself to be selfish, "or someone who could come to understand, someone like me."

Desiree looked at him curiously but shrugged before snapping her fingers. Her power was growing because of the wish, but she didn't really care. Maybe she'd go back to the Realms for a few days, Danny was annoying, but even stupid kids with hero complexes deserved a break.

A few metres away, a boy with a red helmet on his head appeared. Jason had just lost contact with his family and his satellite equipment wasn't working. He frowned and examined the partially destroyed city around him, where had he fallen?

#dpxdc #Danny told his parents about his ghost half #they asked for time #He agreed and even moved to give them space to process it #but his parents didn't understand #they accepted Vlad before him even after telling them everything #that hurt him and led him to make a reckless decision #dp x dc #dc x dp #he allowed himself to wish even though it never ended well #And Jason was transported to his dimension #most ghosts like Danny #They can be annoying at times but they know when he needs a break #probably #deadonmain #dead on main #Poor Jason is confused #Danny only wanted someone to understand him #Jason can

[r-biter]

az for the character bingo. your relationship w him fascinates me

Put gently, i need him dead, but he IS like the most interestingly weird person in the IC likely.

#like him and rhys are neck and neck #i can graph his parental issues directly onto his issues with illyrians #smth smth its Really Weird that when describing his childhood they bring up his step mother specifically #when everything points to her likely not making any of the actual major decisions about his childhood #like resenting her makes sense dont get me wrong but azriels father not beinf their first thought in that scenario says smth #smth smth azriel projects his stepmother onto all illyrian women barring like a couple #and it has led to him resenting them and doing nothing to stop the system that hurt his mother #while also reviling the men for that exact system #and he cant really stop doing this without ultimately engaging with the fact that hes a bystander to their struggles despite his power #and therefore not much better then the men if at all #also his mommy issues manifest as him being really weird about the women hes attracted to #he projects the same vulnerability of his mother onto every women weve seen him be attracted to #and it results in him trying to stop them from doing reckless shit he doesnt stop others from doing #like ppl reduce his weirdness around elain as him being weird about her specifically but hes like that in acomaf towards mor too #which makes absolutely no sense because Mor has been Actively A Warrior the same amount of time #basically what im saying is this man needs therapy and also to be as far from every woman and illyrian possible #i do like cazriel but its specifically because its like. toxic x toxic #like okay cw for stealthing in the tags (insane sentence ik) #and the general lack of consent implied #there is a reason ive written like cazriel mpreg where they both keep poking condoms but dont tell each other #(i am aware that sentence is insane) #and its because i dont think either of these men are as they are currently capable of being normal #and are both specifically the way they are because they fear being abandoned in some way #cassian acts the way he does towards rhys because he fears some level of abandonment #azriel refuses to properly express his feelings in any romantic context because he fears abandonment #like im not gonna rawdog ppl who interpret him pleasantly cause like i see where theyre coming from #the bad just reallly outways the good #also im still mad he called elaine the third #i need him dead for that specifically

[lenaellsi]

if you take "I can make a difference" at face value you simply must also consider "you're the bad guys.” like they are both vital aspects of aziraphale's decision. the problem is not just aziraphale's attempt to lead a corrupt system, it is also his continued belief in the superiority of heaven and angels over hell and demons. that's why crowley was so hurt. it's not just a miscommunication, or a disagreement on the practicalities of changing hearts and minds in heaven--it is a fundamental misunderstanding of morality and of crowley as a person. if crowley had asked aziraphale to come to hell to help fix it and protect the earth, he would not have gone. he says so. it’s not just about safety, or reform. it is about being Good.

and all of this happens because aziraphale is not just motivated by fear and love: he is also motivated by shame. he is insecure in his identity as an angel and a Good Guy, and both his alienation from heaven and his relationship with crowley have always aggravated this insecurity. it’s why shax’s mockery hit him so hard, and why he’s so susceptible to manipulation from the metatron. he desperately wants to be taken seriously and treated with respect and to have power and be an uncomplicated Good Guy, and that is just as much of a motivating factor in his decision as his desire to protect humanity and crowley.

and re: “appoint you to be an angel”: I know people want to insist that aziraphale has never wanted to change anything about crowley, but I’m sorry, I just don’t think that’s true. over and over in season 2 aziraphale demonstrates a desire to sand the rough edges off people and things for the sake of the Greater Good, without consideration for the free will or complex emotions of others. obviously this tendency culminates in the ball, where he exerts control over all of the humans to make everything perfect for maggie and nina, and in doing so, infringes on their autonomy and nina’s (crowley’s narrative mirror!) capacity to feel her own anger and sadness. and he has never liked that crowley is a demon. in his mind, the problem has always been that crowley was put in the wrong category, not that the entire system of dividing people and angels into Good and Bad is ridiculous. that’s the exact lesson he needs to learn.

and yes, his intentions are good, absolutely. I don’t think aziraphale ever acts out of malice, and I do think he genuinely wants the best for the people around him, particularly crowley. after all, if crowley is accepted as an angel again, as aziraphale has always secretly considered him to be, their relationship can (in his mind) finally stop being so fraught with danger and conflict. (the other side of that, of course, is that aziraphale can also stop being so ashamed for loving someone who is supposed to be Bad, and everything in his life will make sense again, the way it hasn’t since he met that star maker who got so upset about god’s plan.)

but that’s not who crowley is, and it never has been. even before he fell, crowley’s recklessness and relentless questions made aziraphale uncomfortable. their relationship has never been safe or easy, and in wanting to make it so, aziraphale is demonstrating a desire to change the parts of crowley that led to his fall, whether he intends to or not.

I’m rambling, but the point is: the insistence on reframing this moment as a purely selfless, calculated, self-sacrificing decision by aziraphale to protect crowley and the world ignores the uglier parts of the things he said in order to make their eventual reconciliation less complicated, and it’s really frustrating to me. crowley is in fact right to be upset by what he said, and it’s not just a misunderstanding that can be fixed with aziraphale saying “I was only trying to protect you!” and another kiss. it’s a culmination of all of the double think aziraphale has been doing in order to preserve his vision of heaven as The Source Of Truth And Light And Good since before the beginning of time, and it’s time for him to finally unpack it.

(and because every post on the final fifteen needs a disclaimer: aziraphale is trying his best and has an incredible amount of love in his heart and wants so badly to do good and ALSO the things he says, does, and believes can be incredibly hurtful and destructive. all of these things can be true.)

#good omens #aziraphale #crowley #final fifteen #good omens meta #good omens 2 #long post

[pawified]

omg had a thought abt joel ,, hve to get it out !

dad!joel miller & his daughter ( you ) , having a heart felt moment in the jackson hospital after he wakes up from the attack of abby & her friends ( minus the gunshot to his leg.)

you are sitting in the chair next to his bed, taking in the state he is currently in. He is taking small shallow breaths, his face is covered in bruises & cuts. you reach over to grab his hand, giving it a gentle but firm squeeze.

you close your eyes, letting out a shaky breath. “i’m sorry i didn’t get there in time, if i had m-, you stop drawling in a deep breath to stop yourself from breaking down. “if i had maybe you wouldn’t be here.” you stare down at your connected hands, thinking if you stare longer maybe your dad will magically wake up.

“i need you. i’m sorry being such a shitty daughter. i’m sorry for everything i’ve put us, you through.“ you let out a sob confessing all your wrongs, like that would bring him back.

you lean forward, head laying on the edge of your father’s bed still holding his hand. you started thinking back to when you were a little girl, long before the outbreak happened and your older sister, sarah was still alive.

you were never a daddy’s girl. funny enough you were an older sister girl, due to the fact your father was always constantly working late and sarah being 14 at the time, had to be the one to take care of you.

but that all changed when the world went to shit and ended, and your sister died. you were only 6 at the time and never really processed what happened fully once you were old enough to understand what death was.

Sarah’s death affected you and joel both tremendously, joel never allowed you to speak about your sister and that led too you never processing it. you and joel bumped heads alot. you would always question if he was making the right decisions for you, and he would tell you that every decision he was making was to keep you safe, and that was all that matters.

joel knew the choice he made when he decided to take ellie with you both, and he also knew that his decision that he made in the hospital the fireflys were going to kill ellie in was going to catch up with him, but joel gree attached to ellie and he couldn’t let her die.

joel toke a life, in order to give a life.

you were angry at your dad for being so reckless. you remember the argument you and him had when you found out what he actually done in the hospital.

you and him were standing in the kitchen of your house back in jackson, fresh tears rolling down your face as your father stood with with a expression you couldn’t read. “ HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME! I ASKED YOU WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU LIED!” you shouted. you were hurt, not because he lied but because you know how this will end for the both of you. for him.

joel takes a step towards you, he stops when he notices that you took a step back, “ i know. i know i lied, and i’m sorry but we can’t changed what happened” joel tried to reason with you but you were so fucking stubborn back then.

“ you risked everything, for a girl that isn’t even your daughter, you only think about yourself. did you know think about how i would feel? did you even stop to think about the consequences, you may face because of what you were about too do?” you questioned frustratedly, you walk past him, walking towards the front door looking over your shoulder “you and i both know how this ends and i refuse to watch someone i love die in front of me again.”

that was the last time you two ever talked before the events leading up too this.

you blamed ellie for everything that has happened to your father, you don’t know why. maybe because it was easier than anything else.

“if i could i would take it back, everything. all of it.” you spoke out loud too get no answer. you don’t know how long you layed there rambling out random things too your father.

you were talking about the time where you and sarah stole $60 bucks from him, when he questioned you two you both lied and said uncle tommy took it. “ yeah .. also remember that one time where u lost $60? well me and sarah lied and said it was uncle tommy took it when it was us.. “ you laughed softly.

as you said that you felt your dads hand twich. you stop and stare at him, in the hopes it was actually you that did that. this time he squeezes your hand, and coughs.

“you fucker.” his voice is horses and raw, “ i knew it was you two.” you jump up, “dad !” you wrap your arms around him and squeeze, “babygirl i can’t breathe” he chokes out. “right, sorry” you rush out apologetically, sitting back down in the chair.

joel looks over at you with a content look. it was the first time you two seen each other in weeks, joel has alot of regrets in his life, but the biggest one of them all is letting you walk out that front door.

you knew he wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the right words. you knew what he was trying to convey, you knew that he regretted ever letting you feel like he loved you less.

you reached over for his hand and gave a firm squeeze, a silent confirmation that you understood. He smiles gently, as he reachs over to kiss the top of your head.

there’s alot you two need to work on, but right now in the moment you are both thankful that you have each other again.

#˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆ #໒ 𝑤𝑒𝑛’𝑠 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑠 ১ #joel miller x daughter!reader #HMM IDK BUT WEEE #the last of us #joel tlou #ellie williams #f!reader

[towards-toramunda]

Orym will definitely be pissed at Ashton next week for risking themselves and Fearne, but I really doubt that would make him turn on Ashton completely. Especially if Fearne makes it clear that Ashton told her his plan in advance and she agreed to help. Fearne taking the shard would have also been a massive risk, both in the moment and the possibility of it leading her to becoming Dark!Fearne, and Orym was fine with that being the plan. He loves Fearne but he's also very pragmatic, and is willing to do, or let his friends do, whatever they think is necessary to do what needs to be done. For her part, Fearne might reconsider her feelings for Ashton or pursuing anything further, but she knew what she was getting into. I don't think this will permanently ruin any of Ashton's relationships, although I'm excited to see them all yell at him next week.

Heyo I was at work and didn’t see this, but I think “turn on” in the post you’re referring to (or I think you’re referring to) was too… harsh maybe (?) a term for me to use considering what I meant?

Cause I definitely think Orym is gonna be angry at both of them for lying to the hells and trying to make such a big decision without input from the rest of them. But moreso, I think that doing this without checking in is gonna hurt because Fearne is Orym’s best friend and she didn’t tell him about such an important decision and tried to hide it from him, and Ashton and Orym promised each other they’d pick each other up and protect each other and then Ashton goes and tries to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes with fearne like this. I think trust has been hurt with orym from this because he now probably feels that Ashton doesn’t trust Orym enough to deal with very important decisions (like discussing who should take the shard).

And I think Fearne is angry at Ashton because they kinda enabled each other into doing a very reckless and dangerous thing, and Fearne realizes how bad of an idea that was. I’m not trying to take away either of their agencies in this like they both decided to do this, but I think their chaotic hare trigger natures led to an extreme level of enabling that wouldn’t have happened if they had actually talked to their friends.

(This is also why I love fearne and orym as besties so much because they perfectly balance each other in their orderliness and chaos)

So I don’t think Orym or Fearne are gonna do a full 180 and turn on Ashton or anything, but I definitely think if this was baldur’s gate we’d see “Orym disapproves” and “Fearne disapproves”.

I think the issue for Orym would be less “Ashton took the shard” and more Ashton and Fearne tricked the hells into thinking Fearne was gonna take it, risking both of their lives, and we’re supposed to be a team. While I think the issue for Fearne was realizing too late that they enabled each other into doing a reckless and dangerous thing that risked both of their lives and they should’ve decided with the rest of the group instead of tricking them.

#critical role #ashton greymoore #cr spoilers #orym of the air ashari #fearne calloway #cr3 #bells hells #this is far too long and I’m probably wrong about some of it but oh well here we are #I honestly think that fearne and Ashton’s chaos are too dangerous for each other and that last night kinda proved it to me #like people keep saying that Ashton ‘manipulated’ fearne but no they both enabled each other’s bad behavior #idk if this actually makes sense I had a long work day

[aaksees]

could you possibly write for broca w/ a sick male reader? like. damn. he's got oripathy. time to care for him.... stuff like that :P

OKAY I MIGHT'VE FORGOT TO POST THIS YESTERDAY UHM

─⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─ Broca x infected gn! reader ─⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─

Pale and bold shades of yellow

“The sparks… they’re rather pretty aren’t they?” Broca paused what he was doing as he heard your voice. “(Name)? Why are you up? You’re sick, go back to bed.” The feline walked towards you, hugging you not too tight in fear of hurting you. “We both have oripathy so that also means you have to go to bed too~” You reasoned with him, giving Broca a weak smile before following with a cough. “Easy. Here, sit down.” Broca said as he led you to a chair, carefully helping you sit down as a worried expression was on his face. “Tsk, the medics already told you to rest. Especially with how reckless you got with the last operation.” Broca scolded as he carefully examined your face, although his face wasn’t showing emotion you saw how his eyes were filled with them. You can’t help but chuckle as you feel his hands cup your cheeks. “Yes, okay i’ll rest, but I’ve been missing you that’s all. Now let me see my big kitty at work~” You teased him with the silly nickname you’ve given him throughout your relationship and it never fails to make him flustered. 

“You… Nope, we’re going to rest.” Broca suddenly carried you like a sack of potatoes as he huffed at your antics. “Woah- HEY HEY I’M SICK REMEMBER?!?!” You protested as Broca carried you through the halls, other operators were either staring or laughing at the two of you. Broca placed you down, feeling a bit lightheaded from the sudden changes. “Where- huh… This is my dorm room…?” “Come on.” Broca ushered you to open your room as you quizzically looked at him. “You said I should rest too, right? Come on.” Broca huffed as you saw how his ears turned red, you couldn’t help but chuckle as you opened your dorm room. Broca saw how disorganized your dorm looked, he can’t help but sigh at the sight. He wasted no time in (carefully) dragging you to your bed, the sound of the door closing softly with hum, sitting you down as he checked on your complexion again like a worried mother. “Broca-” “Don’t be so reckless next time, (Name).” Ah. You heard how soft and broken his voice was as if he was about to cry. From the outside Broca looked like he didn’t care all that much but you knew otherwise, even Chiave and Aosta did. “I’m sorry.” Was all you could say as you leaned in to hug his big frame. There was guilt swirling in your thoughts as you kept hugging Broca. He also knew that you were just doing what you can to make sure that the operation was successful but the last one you went to was you almost sacrificing your life, even getting oripathy from it with how much exposure you got from the surrounding originium in the area.  “Promise me you wont be that reckless again, (name)” Broca kissed your forehead as he sat beside you, hugging your being. The worry was evident in his actions as he rubbed soothing patterns on your back.

“I can’t promise something like that, love, but I will try.” You squeezed his body tight as you relished in his embrace the fatigue of everything that happened during your operation crashing down on your body as you stayed within his arms.

“Okay time for you to back off big guy, I’m starting to get hungry.” You slightly pushed Broca off you, not strong enough to push him away but enough to indicate that you want him to get off.

“Stay here, I’ll go grab something from the cafeteria.” Broca stood up from your bed as he gave you a kiss on your cheek before leaving your dorm to grab food.

As soon as Broca left your dorm, you were left alone with your thoughts. The decisions and severity of the last operation and how it cost you to contract oripathy was slowly coming back to you. Remembering how each strike you did was reaching your limit, the originium you picked up despite the risks and using it as a makeshift explosive.

You can’t help but laugh at your own actions and now you were sure you were bound to die early. A sad smile adorning your lips as tears threaten to fall. “He must’ve been so worried…” Wiping your tears you stared into the metal surrounding you deciding to lay on the bed. “I really am sorry…”

“If you’re sorry then at least eat to recover your strength.” Broca’s voice entered your voice as you sat up looking at the Feline entering your dorm, the door closing behind him.

“You’re fast~”

“Aosta was about to send you food and met him along the way and just gave it to me.”

“I see.” You smiled as Broca sat down with the tray of food in his hands.

“I love you”

“I know, Broca.”

You chuckled as he personally fed you, those eyes that felt like the bold thunder yet showed gentle and warmth as it gleamed in the pale light.

“I love you too.”

#arknights #arknights x gn reader #arknights x reader #arknights x male reader #arknights x fem reader #Broca x reader #Broca x gn reader #Broca x male reader #Broca x fem reader

[summercourtship]

Kyra, I stayed up all night reading your new chapter, i am not even joking when i say that when i saw that it ended i LITERALLY GASPED OUT LOUD!!! The smut was TOP TIER! omg so hot! so many stuff happening!!! Edward smoking was so sexy! also him being like: “You were led astray, I see.” GOT ME BLUSHING FOR NO REASON????!!! Jonathan being a sneaky little bastard as always! it was so funny seeing him try to comfort the reader but also having no clue in what he was doing, like sir you are a psychiatrist! I imagine him reading a book like: “ how to comfort women for dummies”, another thing was him letting his facade slip for a second when he said: “You’re still my assistant, aren’t you? Or are you too busy for that?” I GUESS SOMEONE IS FEELING A BIT NEGLECTED HUH?! AND TO TOP IT ALL BRUCE WAYNE KNOWS SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!!!! THE JIG IS UP PEOPLE!!!!

But being real rn, you have no reason for being nervous, this chapter was AMAZING! Also if you don’t mind me asking, I would love to know what was your inspiration for starting this fic! I saw you were thinking of doing a BTS video i I love that!!!

THANK YOU! There is so much stuff happening and it'll probably stay like that until the end because there's only four chapters left and a lot of stuff to get through!!

Edward smoking: yes. I particularly enjoyed writing the detail of him offering the reader a drag and being disappointed when she refused because he's definitely the type to romanticize his lips touching the same things hers do (little does he know at that moment that she was planning on Fucking Him in like fifteen minutes.) And with him saying "you were led astray", I love him idolizing her so much because he's gonna get so hurt when he finds out she is just a normal person (who is in way over her head)

Jonathan: I think he knows how to comfort someone, but he doesn't want to actually comfort the reader. Because, again, he's feeling neglected and he's trying ten thousand different methods of coping and none of them are working. But it will come to a head, and soon.

Since she confronted the Batman on the roof, Bruce has been aware that the reader isn't telling him everything. Like, she isn't good at lying. But the burner phone going off and her lying about it is definitely ringing more bells in his head and he is realizing he needs to keep a closer eye on her. Wonder how he's gonna do that. :)

Thank you again for your kind words- I'm always scared whenever I update that this will be the chapter you all decide it's actually horrible and I wasted your time lol.

I don't remember exactly what my inspiration for this fic was, although I remember bits and pieces. It was originally just going to be a Bruce Wayne fic and I started writing it after I saw the Batman in March 2022. The first scene in the fic is the only thing I salvaged from that first version of the fic.

And then, months later, I decided to write a fic with Jonathan as a love interest along with Bruce bc I really like love triangles in reader insert fics lol, especially between heroes and villains. It's about the DYNAMICS.

Normally when I come up with my longer fics, it's because I write the fic I want to read- I couldn't find many Jonathan Crane multi-chapter fics and I wanted to fix that.

Edward was always going to be in the fic, but he only became a love interest later when I decided that I can be as self-indulgent in my fic as I want to be lol. He was always gonna be interested in the reader tho, the reader just didn't always reciprocate.

And as a fun little fact: the title for the fic was originally going to be "Stay and Burn" which is taken from the song Deus in Absentia by Ghost (my love). Then I decided to expand on it and make it my own. I like the dichotomy between fire and water, the implication that you made one reckless decision only to be blindsided by a different danger... idk.

Finally, YES when I'm done with this I do want to make a sort of BTS video where I just ramble about writing it. I've been wanting to make videos anyway for my art/shop, so why not add my writing as a topic as well?

#ask #anon #stbotdi

[indestructiblelittlefuckers]

[headcanon/interpretation: in the scene in 2x01 that Ed turns the gun to himself saying "I know who we should ask! old Blackbeard!", 1) it's the first time Izzy stands up to Ed in front of the crew... like ever, 2) he is trying to get the heat not only from the crew but from Ed himself. How can he trust this man with a gun pointed at his own head? now I don't think Izzy thought Ed would actually shoot him, but he'd hurt him instead of the crew or himself.]

[in turn I think Ed's extreme irritability anger led him to this stupid reckless decision, but also, he shot Izzy because he really wanted the crew to kill him. He didn't think Izzy would lose a leg over it, he thought he'd be fine, but Ed really hoped this was the last straw that would make the crew snap and kill him. And when they still seemed not to be able to do that, he turned to Izzy, who had now every right to hate him, and to shoot him and he still chose not to]

#headcanon (izzy) #headcanon (edward) #I swear these 2 episodes of s2 are from another genre entirely #well more specifically all the ed scenes

[99lostsouls]

let us gaze upon the stars. // @rove-bogge // continued from HERE

GUILT ;

/noun/ a feeling of having done wrong or

failed in an obligation

guilt was one of those distinctly human emotions ortho had little grasp or understanding of.

he was custom designed with nearly every scenario possible in mind with abilities like no other. with all at his disposal, making a wrong decision or failing wasn't something he planned for. especially not like this.

this wasn't glitching calibration or broken parts. It involved his friend. he was hurting and.. maybe ortho was too, but there was seemingly nothing he could do about it

rove always got up and walked away before the android had a chance at properly understanding.

days, and weeks thinking over their initial

conversation led ortho to the conclusion that he reacted incorrectly. it was his fault rove acted in such a way, and he should alter his speech patterns to cause less distress, and yet..that was wrong too?

he couldn't wrap his head around it. with how every conversation had gone so far, it seemed he would never be given the chance to.

embarrassing. to be a highly intelligent Al but to be just as lost as a child in a store without their mother for guidance and comfort

ortho's eyes loosely focused on the falling snow as they stepped back outside... he wondered if his brother was okay back in ramshackle.

it was easy to tell ortho wasn't really invested in the lantern making as he was before. placing the candle into the lantern was more like a side quest to earn extra game currency instead of the large main objective to learn & conquer.

at the sight of rove's phone, ortho suddenly snapped back into focus. standing with his lantern he'd pose, making two peace signs with his fingers, smiling underneath that mask of his.

it was easy to assume the two would venture back to campus once ortho was done with his lantern, so rove's proposal for the beach was met with a surprised expression

❝ okay. ❞ simple acceptance in response.

rising from his position, ortho would fly alongside rove's audible steps. he'd glance

between the town in front of him, back to his dormmate time and time again.

yet another silent trek to their desired location. it would be a plain faced lie to say the awkward tinge in the air wasn't uncomfortable.

no one else was present, but they alone. the distant sound of rolling waves filtered through ortho's audio processors. a backing track to the start of rove's monologue.

he could have easily searched and downloaded at least 10 articles of information on these blister bugs within a few seconds but instead— he would listen to rove.

the sheer nerves the student carried in his speech spoke volumes. this wasn't about bugs, if it was he'd be much more comfortable dare even fast paced while conveying such information.

his own cantharidin…

it was somewhat silly to describe his mechanisms in a way, but it made complete sense for someone like him. suppose that's what ortho admired about rove the most.

slowly the young shroud approached, taking one of his friend's hands to hold within his own.

❝ I… I do not want to be called human because I am not one. I do not deserve a title that does not belong to me. ❞

his digits brushed against rove's open palm, tracing alongside the aforementioned marks.

❝ but I do know that I'm very bad at living. I'm overemotional, reckless, obsessive and so many things— I do a long wrong but I always want to do right by you.

you've always made me feel seen and connected despite not being a student. some people here don't even know I exist, really, but I've always been able to have you in my corner. so for whatever I do wrong, I'm sorry. and for whatever bothers you…. please talk to me. I want to help however I can, but I can't if you don't let me. ❞

#𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐆𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒 – ( ic ) #rovebogge

[isfjmel-phleg]

OC asks: 2 - Elystan, 3 - Rietta, 5 - Josiah, 12 - Amarantha, 24 - Rachel

What’s something about your OC that people wouldn’t expect just from looking at them?

Elystan looks frail and pathetic (and is), but he's also audaciously conniving and likes to be the one pulling the strings.

What is your OC’s fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Rietta is emotionally driven and reckless, which has led to her alienating important people and making poor decisions--which is bad enough in an ordinary person, but she's going to grow up to rule a country, and she can't afford to make mistakes like this. At the point where we meet her, I don't think she's aware of this as a flaw though. She's only about fifteen, and from her perspective, she's doing what she believes is right, and she trusts her instincts.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

Josiah is self-centered and accustomed to getting what he wants, and he's willing to throw people (mostly Tamett) under the bus or lie if he thinks he can get away with it. But he does have his moral boundaries. He wouldn't go so far as to actually deliberately hurt anyone (besides verbally) or to take what doesn't belong to him, for instance.

Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

Compared to, say, Elystan or Josiah, Amarantha isn't especially self-destructive. But she will people-please while inwardly seething with resentment, and she holds grudges for a long time, and this isn't doing her any favors.

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they’d made those decisions?

Rachel hasn't really had the opportunity to choose any path in life she's gone down. She's fourteen and at the mercy of whatever her parents want. They don't give her a lot of freedom. But early in Book 1, she does choose to open the door in the wall and enter the garden on the other side (the grounds of Rietta's castle), which sets her off on a friendship that will take her places she never imagined. If she had not done that, if she had stayed in her grandparents' garden like a good obedient child, she would have a lot less guilt as the secrets pile up, but it would be a much less interesting story about an increasingly frustrated girl isolated in a house for months with a dysfunctional and sometimes emotionally abusive family who are under a lot of strain as the grandfather is dying.

#asks #morfinwen #thank you! #The Blackberry Bushes Q&A

[steelycunt]

"do you defend him or is it more of an acceptance of how terrible he is"

s girl anon here to explain this!!

In my experience, it is an odd combination of both. I’m going to get really controversial rn but I don't think he's that terrible. in fact, I would go as far as to say he's redeemable and compelling and an overall good person who makes questionable decisions from time to time. hear me out!! I don't necessarily defend him as much as I explain his actions. exhibit A: the prank. I don't defend what he did but I do try to find angles that help me understand his thought process because I don't think he was purposely being malicious as much as just reckless, impulsive, misguided, and led by anger while also trying to be protective of people he cared about - which I don't think is as controversial of a take. that being said, I am simultaneously an s apologist sooo.

I'm about to go on a bit of tangent, so i'm sorry. these are my more self-centered reasons. I see a lot of myself in him and looking at him exposes flaws within myself. but at the same time it allows me to give myself some degree of grace. because, despite, or maybe because of, all of his flaws I love him and think he's a good person. his desperate desire to be good and a better version of himself is just so very compelling to me (and relatable. we all have aspects of ourselves that unintentionally harm others and we have to try to better ourselves while still staying true to who we are). you've said this before but being better is something that he has to actively and consciously try to do. I think I sometimes think that certain things should be effortless and easy and instinctual, but I also don't think that's actually true. sometimes the fact that you are putting in effort is just as meaningful. we are shown things like love at first sight and "found soulmates" and other things that are "predetermined", but in order for love to really flourish you have to choose to make an effort, which is very scary to me. and to him too, I think. but he tries and he's not always good at it. but he always has caring and gentle qualities that line his actions when dealing w people he loves. I struggle w being selfless so so much and it's something I really dislike about myself because it can occasionally hurt people I deeply care about. so whenever I catch myself trying to change that it makes me feel better because it indicates some sort of growth even though it doesn't come naturally to me, and he reminds me of those attempts at growth.

also, sirius' tendency to unintentionally hurt people he's close to by being careless and then regretting it immediately afterwards... it's like looking in a mirror. he wants to be separated from his family and hold no similarities to them but he also struggle's with having shared characteristics that he sometimes doesn't even realize are there until he fucks up massively. and when he does he tries to get them out of his system but struggles. that desperation to prove himself after wake-up calls is just soooo real. I understand his regret and desire to be forgiven. frustration when that takes time and it seems as though his efforts are useless. that occasionally shifting into anger but then settling back into sorrow and deep-rooted regret while also having hints of self-pity. like I just am so obsessed with him. I understand him so much that it just makes me want to give him a hug even when he's fucked up. and I know that is not something you can relate to but when he's (rightfully) being shit on by other characters for his actions I just picture myself hugging him and telling him I know he can do better yknow? like, I just want to encourage him to keep trying.

I don't know if i'm making sense and I will probably come up w more reasons why I love him later, but I think for now this will do.

sometimes I look back at things i've done and ask myself "would sirius have done this" and usually when the answer is yes it correlates to it being something that got me into a lot of trouble. but oh well <3

anyway, I love this discourse ridi. I love hearing you talk about these two, you get them and your blog is one of my fav things ever. it makes me v happy and I will try to keep sending you snoopy/muppet-related things I see <333

hi!! im going to respond under the cut just because i sense i will have a rather rambling answer!!

first of all--for the record & For the Public (rather than in response to anything you've said specifically, anon) i want to clarify that i actually love s as a character. the cartoonish sort of dislike i pretend to harbour towards him on here is just an exaggerated little joke. i think he (and when i talk about him i'm referring more to the fan development of his character than the rather basic canon foundations) is a super complex and compelling character, but he's also posh and handsome and it makes me giggle to hate on him for that. i wouldn't write s as much as i do if i actually disliked his character, nor would i read him.

having established that!! i completely agree with everything you say here. obviously discussing certain bits of him (e.g. his relationship with r) we're inevitably going to veer away from objective canon and into subjective hc territory but...i dont think he's that terrible, to start. i think he's a bit reckless and jealous and has a rather volatile, dangerous temper that can make him capable of cruelty at times. ive spoken about this a lot before under my #s tag so i wont go into it too much here, but have exactly the same view of the prank as you do in as much as it was a poorly thought-out, impulsive act of anger rather than proof that he's an intentionally malicious person.

i think (and maybe this gets lost amongst my jokes) that he is a fundamentally good person. and as you said i think its all about the fact that he is trying and he continues to try, even if there are setbacks here and there. i absolutely adore writing him and specifically i adore writing him when he is trying, i love writing him when he's being sweet and gentle with r (and that isnt just because i think r deserves that sort of treatment as you say teehee <3) and i hope but dont necessarily assume that comes across in my writing/my answers to asks such as these, and that it seems like i handle his character with care and detail!! because i do try to!! i think the sort of hc-developed version of him that we're talking about here (because i think from the way you talk about him we characterise him very similarly) is a very real character and its not that aspect of him--which i can completely understand resonating with people--that i love to hate as much as it is the poshness and the prettiness. i think for his ego's sake that since he is the coolest guy in the room there should be at least one person (me) there to boo and humble him xx

anyway!! that's all really. s is so so fun for me to talk about and write about so thank you so much for your insight!! and for being so sweet!! i hope what i've said here sort of makes sense!! i love snoopy + muppet related things and i love YOU!! mwah!!

#telegram #anon #s #this is my notes app apology for hating on s. can’t believe you wrangled that out of me </3 #okay thats enough discussion for one night everybody. the lecture theatre is CLOSED for today xx #hang on this post is too long for me to put a cut in um. nevermind

[beach-boyzz]

i'd love to hear about tiramisù (your oc...!)

Hi omg this is like from 83929281919 months ago u dont have to answer but I finally feel like rambling about my ocs again teehee… :3

Tiramisu is 24 years old and he’s a vento aureo oc!! He works for la squadra and is a little bit goofy (he is actually insane)

He spent a lot of his childhood alone with not very many friends, and as he got older he ended up getting cheated on, and having a lot of the only few people he was very close to end up leaving him for other people (even if it wasn’t romantic) Even at home he didn’t really have peace because he was different and did not get social cues, which led to him being seen as weird and yelled at for being rude.

So he honestly grew up rather miserable and moody, very defensive, paranoid and with intense emotions/mood swings he did not know how to regulate. In his youth he also made a lot of bad decisions just so he could feel like there were people who would love him, or not to lose the few people he’d have. Which ended up making it even worse and even made him lose his sense of identity.

Years into the future, he started college, He ends up coming out to his parents. They weren’t supportive and it leads to this huge fight between Tira and his parents because he was dependent on them. Overwhelmed by the emotions, he decided to quit and not deal with them anymore, promising himself he’d find a way to pay what he owed the college on his own.

Due to the strong emotions he felt at the moment, everything hit him at once and awakened his stand, [WEST END GIRLS]. The stands ability is to transform the environment into an abstract world, and matches the emotion of the user. (Mad equals sharpness and glitches in the world, with colors usually associated with anger, and is usually more dangerous as an example) His stand is very draining and he can’t stop it/control it coming out very well, so he doesn’t try to use it often. (As well as the danger to others)

He soon joined Passione, to try and make up the money he owed quickly and also thinking he could use his ability as an advantage. (he was more naive then) When doing Polpo’s trial, Polpo believed the stands ability to bring the user and the target into a warped world could work great for a stealthy assassination so he was assigned to La Squadra. Though as Tira got used to his stand, He used it less and went on missions less (or did not use his stand) and instead helps more with important errands or paperwork.

As the events in Golden Wind happen though, Tira gets more and more stressed until his stand begins to warp his mind. He begins to get in arguments with the other members, distancing himself from everyone and engaging in reckless behaviors. Soon he even leaves.

When he finally sees his team again, He finds Risottos dead body. As well as Anguille, the leader of a team outside of Passione who used to work with the Capo. Overwhelmed with survivor’s guilt and a lack of caring for his own life, he blames Anguille for everything that has happened and attacks him. Anguille’s stand notices before Tiramisu can hurt him and grabs him away. (The stand is made out of large Morray eels, So his arm is crushed and completely bitten into, as well as getting a small bite on his face) Razze, The Capos younger brother then knocks him out with his electric stand, and they leave Tiramisu with Tonno to heal/watch him while they continue to investigate.

When Tiramisu wakes up, He is temporarily untied to be healed by the overly trusting Tonno and he takes this chance to run away and take some money with him. Tiramisu knows he has done too much to return back, and even if his team did survive he could not face them like he did.

#beach boyzz ocs #tiramisu #jjba oc #vento aureo

[soliloquivm]

⸻ HAN JISUNG. HE + HIM / have you ever heard of BLOW by JACKSON WANG, well, it describes KOREN HAHM to a tee! the TWENTY FIVE year old, and A BARTENDER AT CLOUD NINE was spotted browsing through the stalls at portobello road market last sunday, do you know them? would you say HE is more UNSTEADY or more RESOURCEFUL instead? anyway, they remind me of the loud thumping of music from the dj , the feeling of adventure creeping in your heart and the quiet place in the darkness, maybe you’ll bump into them soon!

tw : death , ptsd

time in notting hill : 1 year birthplace : las vegas , nevada , us ( moved around constantly ) sexuality : bisexual relationship status : single

koren hahm grew up in a military family that moved around from state to state , country to country throughout his more formative years as his father served in the army . while this assisted in offering a more than standard outlook on the world , he learned to pick up on things quickly . he’d never had a set group of friends growing up , but he often formed relationships with those that he met and easily became popular everywhere he went due to his extroverted personality and secret desire for people to like him .

unfortunately , over the summer before starting high school on base in italy , his father was killed overseas . angry , hurt and with only his sister and mother to be there for him , he made the decision to take on some sort of mantle as the so called ‘ head of the household ‘ when they returned to his mother’s hometown in the suburbs of new york . he took care of everything that he could from his younger sister , the cooking and cleaning and helping his mother so that she could maintain a steady job and financially support their family . the moment he was of age , he started to work as a busboy at the local bar , cleaning after closing .

inner turmoil aside , koren maintained the boisterous personality once he started at the new school , forming a close group of friends and would often skip classes to smoke , drink or mess around off campus , but deep down , he always knew what he wanted to do upon graduation - join the military just like his father . at first , his mother didn’t approve when koren handed her the paperwork to start basic training early , but he pushed and prodded until eventually , she caved . koren excelled in boot camp , and once he began his active service , he was swiftly shipped off to the very country his father died in . it didn’t take long for him to rise through the ranks of the army , the need for people to like him carrying over into his training , although his often dismissive attitude would get him into trouble . all that need to be liked also brought on the more reckless side , willing to do just about anything , and not caring for the consequences .

the war took it’s toll on him , after time however , and while koren did everything in his power to mask this , it had been an IED that eventually led him to the decision to not re-enlist . returning home to the suburbs of new york and not wanting to display what became obvious as signs of PTSD around his mother and sister , koren used his military savings to leave the country and purchase a modest home in the nottingham , london , and started working at cloud nine ( as a bartender this time ) to pay the bills .

MORE INFORMATION : ⤀ koren doesn't exactly live a quiet life . since returning home , he's turned to more reckless behavior such as drinking , fighting and making it a point to make friends with all the wrong kinds of people .

⤀ knowing the risk he could be , however , he did begin going to therapy for his PTSD and still goes to weekly group meetings with other veterans .

⤀ koren has a tendency to come off as an asshole more so now than he ever did prior to leaving the military . he's blunt and sarcastic , but also maintains the softer side of him , though that is only shown to those that he would call his close friends -- and even they aren't immune to his behavior , though that doesn't mean he wouldn't do everything in his power to help them in need .

⤀ he wears his father's dog tags every day , his own are locked away in a safe .

⤀ while one side of him may appear aggressive , koren is an avid acoustic guitar player and songwriter , and will go to a small coffee shop to play his music on occasion , but this is another secret he has never shared with anyone , even his closest friends .

#« introduction » koren hahm #nottinghillintro

[notyetbulletproof]

You know what would have been cool?

If Anthony told Kate that he would do anything she asked of him, yes, but truly did she want her sister to be shackled to a man who did not love her? (Reiterating what he had asked her earlier) Who saw this marriage as a role to be fulfilled. Duty to wed, done. Who would care for her and her family but never love her. Was Edwina’s momentary happiness worth a lifetime of misery for them all? Anthony may not have been ready to admit how in love with Kate he was but even he knew that proceeding with a wedding was not the best decision for any of them. All duty, no heart.

Perhaps that whole “our places” conversation could have happened before the wedding. I mean this King of Clowns literally did not realise how his actions could have led Edwina on. He was fully convinced she knew he was marrying for duty and accepted his suit. True love matches were rare, people got married for economic reasons and protection. It stood to reason he honestly thought that was her main interest especially with (yes I will be your viscountess, I will marry you) and the whole conversation with Kate about people wanting a match like he was proposing.

Anyway in this turn of events, Anthony would have taken responsibility for the fact that his actions could easily give the wrong idea and how his running from his feelings created a mess that none of them knew how to properly navigate but ultimately, Edwina wishes to marry for love and he could never give her that. He’s not in love with her and it’s best they release each other from his mistake before they hurt beyond repair.

Then they would have to go to the Queen who in her fight with Whistledown perhaps loses sight of what is important and doesn’t accept the want to call it all off. Tells them love and affection grows with time. That this is just cold feet. Wedding to proceed. Edwina makes peace with the fact that she is doing this for her family. Making this sacrifice for her family. To marry someone who does not love her but will provide for her and hers. Anthony makes peace with the fact that he is doing this to protect both their families. Giving up someone he deeply loves (even if he’s not ready to admit it) because of his own recklessness. Kate is still wrestling with the fact that she tried to protect Edwina from a choice like this and wasn’t able to and also wrestling with her very real feelings for Anthony. And that could have easily have led to a deeper look into the fact that so much of what Kate does is because she feels she has to earn love.

Then the wedding happens. Bangle drops. Edwina makes the connection and of course she’s livid but it isn’t so much cheap shots. It’s - he didn’t want to marry me because he’s in love with you. And you’re in love with him. Kate denying. Anthony denying. Or pointing out that his feelings matter not because Kate would choose Edwina’s happiness everytime. Choosing her family and that is a choice he understands and will follow her on. And Edwina being over here like, god for 2 people that feel like they know everything, you’re so fucking stupid. The fight could have been more about their dynamic. About what it became. The sisters allowed to be honest with each other for the first time in years. Fully transparent. Kate could have still said that Edwina deserved all this and Edwina asking her why she didn’t. Why does Kate think she is less deserving? Why?? Why put that on Edwina? What makes Kate less??? It still could have ended unresolved in that episode. But less cheap shotty and lopsided in apologies and amends.

See, I still stand by what I feel about the treatment of Kate and Anthony by their family. Sure, it’s all fun and cool to say “they didn’t have to! No one asked them to be a parent!”. Yeah uh huh okay. Then who? Then who? I’m not saying that both Anthony and Kate didn’t make mistakes. I’m not saying that in them trying to control everything, they didn’t mess so much up. Yep. Mmhmm. They did. However, I’m not going to pretend that their families did not benefit from them putting themselves last. Did not benefit from them pushing down every emotion known to man to be stoic and laser focused on improving the lives of their mothers and siblings. Giving in to vices here and there, craving control like it was the only thing they had going for them. Look, ultimate selflessness has a price and they both paid it because they fucking didn’t know how to balance what they wanted with what they felt they must do. Especially Kate who was so used to doing everything for Edwina’s benefit and propping her up, she didn’t stop to wonder if Edwina was just going along with it because it was all she knew for so long or if she actually wanted the things she talked about. It’s like we lose ourselves and the people we love when we stop seeing them as individuals and instead see them as a collective idea to protect.

Every watch “Rise of the guardians”? When the Santa character says something along the lines of “we are very busy bringing joy to children! We don’t have time… for children”. —- yeah! That vibe. Being so focused on protecting your families, you lose sight of how they’ve changed, of what they want, of who they are. Especially when they are just beginning to work that out for themselves.

And the “True love intangible can’t be dictated” type conversation Edwina and the Queen had could have still happened. The Queen admitting her own defeat. That she stopped listening in her quest to unmask a gossip monger. Trivial pursuits during a time of great grief for her. It was a fun distraction but she let that dictate too much and the decision now lies with Edwina.

I don’t know. There was such potential to make it less of a soap opera cheap shot drama. So much deep stuff to unpack if they handled that better. Oh well.

#kanthony #edwina x Kate #I ramble #some fics have handled this so well #or write the idea better?

[anchanted-one]

Legend of Lightning Chapter 45. Recovery

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43208574/chapters/112077874

tagging @swtorhub

Several days later, Intensive Care Wing, Jedi Temple, Tython

The first thing that Vajra felt when he woke, was a cool wind on his face. Next came the calming smell of flowers. His eyes told him he was in a white room with a window right next to him. There was hospital equipment all around him. Had he been sick? Had to be; he couldn’t rise, or remember what had happened.

He opened himself to the Force, and Felt a radiance from the land itself, that could only mean that he was back on Tython.

His tired mind rejected all further notions of figuring out what was wrong. The only thing that stopped him from going right back to sleep was—

“Kira…” His heart told him that he needed to see her. “Kira?” he asked again, louder. “Kira!”

There was a gasp, and a Nautolan male entered into view. “Jedi Vajra! You’re awake!”

Vajra frowned. Something about the man stirred his recognition. “You are…”

“Bengel Morr. You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life.”

“That’s right… how are you?”

“Better than you. You nearly died.”

“What? That can’t be right…”

“Well, it was!” Bengel snapped. “I wasn’t told the specifics, but even three hundred milliliters of Kolto wasn’t able to close up your wounds! You were nearly gutted like a fish! And there was a wound on your chest which scratched an artery! It was a miracle you held on with so much blood lost!”

“Owww,” Vajra said weakly, his hand pressing over his belly. It was true; there were bandages there. And it itched dully.

Bengel’s face softened. “I’m sorry for getting worked up. I was… upset with the thought of you dying before I could repay you. Master Shan granted me the honor of watching over you. Hold on, I’ll alert Kira and Jasme. They were here as often as their timetables allowed them.”

Moments later, he heard a commotion. A door slammed open close by, and someone ran at a speed normally frowned upon in the Temple. Jasme entered the room, dressed for bed.

She didn’t say anything. Just ran up to him and hugged him.

“Owww! Why does that hurt?!”

“Because your kidneys nearly failed,” Jasme whispered. She planted kiss after kiss on his brow and cheek. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for holding on! You were such a broken mess when they brought you in here! None of us thought you were going to make it, but you held on like a monkey lizard!” Her tears wet his shoulder, and he felt really, really guilty. He tried to raise his arms, but was still too weak.

“I’m so sorry, Jasme… I was too reckless—”

She shook her head firmly. “No. No, you weren’t. Your decisions were solid. It was the situation that was shite. You got everyone out safely, including Kira. And Master Kiwiiks.”

Vajra felt his mind waking up. “I saved Kira… and Master Kiwiiks… what did I—”

“Don’t think too hard! The suns baked your brain.”

“That’s… a figure of speech, right?”

Right then, there was another set of loud footsteps, and in rushed Kira. Like Jasme, she was in her preferred sleepwear, namely tank-top and shorts. She stood at the door for a moment, taking him in, possibly confirming that he really was awake again.

Her eyes brimmed over with tears, and her hands covered her mouth. The circles under her eyes were dark enough that he could see even in this illumination.

With an effort, Vajra managed to wave awkwardly. “I survived,” he said. “Just like I promised.” He didn’t remember making such a promise, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Kira burst out in wails at his words, and sank to the ground. “Thank the Force!”

Bengel hurriedly locked the door behind her, then closed the windows with a gesture, sealing off all sounds within the room. Jasme walked up to her and picked her up—rather easily, Vajra noted—and led her to Vajra’s bed. When she got close enough, she allowed Kira to plonk down. Kira pressed her forehead against Vajra’s.

“Thank you for keeping it,” she whispered. “If you had died… I don’t know what I’d have done. Leaving you to your death… can you imagine how guilty I’ve been feeling? And please don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Or yours,” Jasme patted Kira. “You saved Master Kiwiiks.”

“I don’t remember anything…” Vajra began.

“And now is not the time to remind you,” Bengel said firmly. “You’ve just gone through a very harrowing time. You’re at the weakest I’ve ever seen you at. The memories will come, and when they do, you might have some new baggage to deal with. Trust me on this one. Just let your girlfriends shower you with affection for now.”

“Sister,” Jasme said sweetly.

“Best friend and Padawan,” Kira sniffed. She was still wiping her eyes. “Hey, where’s the doctor? Shouldn’t they have come in before us?”

They had to wait another minute for the doctor to arrive and begin checking Vajra’s vitals. Kira looked ready to give her an earful, but restrained herself.

“I’m afraid you’ve still got a ways to go, Master Jedi,” the Doctor said. “You’ll be here for another week, at least. On the bright side, the danger’s passed. You will live on, with no ill effects.”

“That’s fine, he needs the rest,” Kira patted his shoulder. “You’re a miracle worker, Doc. Thanks for saving him.”

The doctor nodded and walked out.

“You should go to sleep, Vajra. You’re body has been through quite a horrendous experience, even if your brain is having trouble remembering.”

“Sing me a little something? Or tell me a story?”

“How about both?” Kira requested.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you not to do that,” Bengel stepped in. “At least not today. It’s 0200 in the morning, and you need the rest as much as he does. Go on. He’ll still be here in the morning.”

“You haven’t had much sleep either!”

“More than both of you, combined.”

“One last question,” Vajra said. “Where’s T7?”

“He was also here for days without rest,” Bengel shook his head. “He’s right there next to you, on low power mode. You’ll probably get a chance to greet him the next time you wake up.”

*

Vajra’s dream that night was vivid. He was fighting an unseeable monster with hundreds of heavy lances for limbs. It was almost as agile and quick as he was, but far more powerful. In addition, it radiated such intense heat that he felt his breath burn his lungs. Each swing made his head spin. His eyes ached something fierce, and his ears began to ring.

The sensations blinded him completely.

He was helpless as the sharp lances began stabbing at him.

Am I dying He thought. Yes, I am! I’m about to… I’m about to… please no! I don’t want to die! I don’t want to—

A large lump of ice-cold fear settled in his insides. Panic overloaded his mind, leaving him imagining threats from every cubic millimeter around him. The monster’s terrible screeching became mocking laughter which promised him an eternity of nothingness.

No… no… “NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

He jerked awake, gasping for breath. He was soaked in sweat. His violent movement had knocked the drip stand off its feet.

T7 whistled in alarm. <Jedi: Vajra = distressed! Scanning: detecting: elevated heartbeat levels. Elevated stress. Excessive perspiration. Jedi: Vajra = alright?>

Vajra began to sob like a child. The fear of death lingered despite waking up. A nurse entered the room shortly after to see what had happened. She nodded kindly at Vajra’s explanation about a nightmare. As he apologized to T7 for alarming him, the nurse began preparing a sedative. Vajra took one look at the injector in her hands and screamed bloody murder.

It took three more nurses—and T7’s calming whistles—to stop him thrashing around.

*

“So, all it took for you to recover well enough to be released was three days,” the doctor looked impressed. “Very good constitution!”

“I’m not out of the woods yet,” Vajra said. “I still can’t remember squat.” And no one’s telling me anything! “And my body’s all wobbly from too much rest.”

“Yes, that’s to be expected. But now, at least, you can move around the Temple again. I noticed how you’ve been itching to get out into the garden.”

“Can you blame me? It’s the best weather I’ve seen on Tython!” Flowers were in full bloom out there. The sun’s rays were gentle. Light rain fell during the night, which made the grass look and smell lush. Birds sang sweetly throughout the day. And it was cool enough for him to be truly comfortable, but not so cold that the others needed more than a scarf and gloves to stay warm.

“That’s true. Just promise to keep your caretaker with you when you leave? I’d hate to see you end up here again from simple neglect.”

“Got it. Thank you for everything, Doctor.”

“No problem. Take care now. And don’t forget to come in for a check-up every day for the next week.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Well, now that you’re up, I suppose I need to tell you a few things,” Bengel sighed as he closely watched Vajra try to walk around the room.

“You mean I finally get to know stuff again?” Vajra cried. “Thank the Force!”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” Jasme tutted. Then tilted her head in thought. “Actually, please be that dramatic, it’s funny!”

“We didn’t want anything jogging your memory, Master,” Kira said sincerely. Vajra was worried about her. Her sassy attitude was nowhere to be found still, and it worried him. “And these might do more than just that.”

“Your first well-wishers are, of course, Masters Satele and Orgus,” Bengel said. “Master Orgus is still busy on Alderaan, so he only managed to check in a few times. But he was still worried sick. Master Satele, on the other hand, was here daily.”

“She was more worried than she let on,” Jasme confided. “She feels personally responsible for all young Knights. But you especially.”

“The next is Master Kiwiiks, who is recuperating in the adjoining room.”

“She was crippled by her experience on Tatooine,” Kira sighed. “But your decision saved her. She was really grateful for that.”

“And then there’s Lord Praven. He’s a Sith Lord,” Bengel added when Vajra didn’t recognize the name.

“Did I beat him?”

“Yes. But Tatooine gave him a significant handicap. He was able to hold his own against you—”

“Really?!”

“Don’t look so eager,” Kira huffed. “He may be more reasonable than most, but he’s still Sith. And Angral’s Sith, to boot.”

<Sith Lord: Praven = in holding cell + well looked after. Sith Lord: Praven = comfortable.>

“In addition, Jedi Nariel Pridence wanted to have a word when she could.”

“She was the first to answer our call for help,” Kira explained. “Her Force Healing was what stopped your gut wound from killing you, since the kolto wasn’t working fast enough.”

“And of course, Major Var Suthra. He’s been calling every few hours to check in.”

<Major Var Suthra = has sent medals + commendations + gift.>

“I’d suggest starting with Satele or Var Suthra,” Bengel went on. “Master Kiwiiks is undergoing another surgical procedure right now. She won’t be awake for a while. And Pridence is busy studying a Holocron. You can meet the imprisoned Sith Lord at your leisure.”

Vajra allowed Jasme to take him to her mother first. Master Satele looked tired and worn out, but beamed when Vajra hobbled into her room. She met him privately, as she had the first time they’d met, so they could speak more candidly.

“I was happy when I heard you were on the mend,” she said with her customary smile. “And more so when Doctor Alexakis told us that you’d suffered no permanent damage.”

“I was fortunate, Master.”

“We all were, since you and Bela both made it out alive. But you took quite a gamble. We could just as easily have lost two great jedi. Still, how are you mentally? I’ve been informed of your night terrors.”

“They’re just nightmares, Master.”

Master Satele’s eyebrows rose knowingly.

“I don’t ever remember the contents.”

“Then what of the feelings? What fear is strong enough to get you to wake up screaming?”

Her question was shrewd, as if she knew the answer already, or suspected it. Vajra had no choice but to answer honestly. “I… I’m afraid of dying. I’m sorry.”

A very guilty look crossed her face. “No, don’t be. It’s a common response to what you endured. There’s a difference between being mentally prepared when you’re hale and hearty, and when you were injured so severely in battle. It’s no surprise that you’re shaken. Anyone would be.” She sighed heavily. “I remember how I was, the first time… I was a little older than you are now. Maybe sixteen, seventeen… it’s hard to remember anymore. My Master and I were investigating an up-and-coming crime family in Japraltiir. I thought I was being smart. Instead, I blundered into a trap. The cave they led me to was a terkl nest. Nasty critters. About the size of Tython rabbits, but feed on those strong in the Force. Deadly to us in even half the numbers I was attacked by. My… my friend arrived less than a minute after I was overwhelmed. He was able to drive off the beasts with sonic charges. But not before they ripped me apart. He had an emergency trauma kit with him, as it was a dangerous world, and my Master was a gifted healer, so I was saved. I had nightmares for more than a year afterwards. Kind of like you are now.”

“What did I do, exactly? What happened?”

“You were forced into a bad situation and got landed in intensive care,” remorse flashed again over Master Satele’s serene face. “This only happened because you did not have the support you were due. I fell this is my fault as Grand Master. No matter how hard we work, we can’t seem to scrounge up reinforcements where it’s needed most. Instead we have…” she trailed off. “Forgive me. I didn’t call you just to talk Jedi politics. Would you like some tea?”

“Yes, thank you, Master Satele.” Vajra suppressed a grin as a memory of Jasme’s tea party resurfaced without warning.

“I am glad you have a chance to rest here on Tython. This is a beautiful world, but so few Jedi get to appreciate that. Always far too much work to do.”

“Such are the times we live in.”

“Indeed. So, what do you plan to do now?”

“Today, I want to walk the gardens. There’s no telling when this pleasant weather will change. Besides, I really do need to make my body remember that it’s not an invalid’s one. The sooner I get used to moving again, the better. But before that, I owe Master Orgus a message telling him I’ve woken up, at the very least. And Major Var Suthra too.”

“Try not to push yourself too hard. It’s okay if you take a month to get back to where you were.”

Somehow, I doubt that. Jedi are always in high demand.

Satele seemed to hear the words he couldn’t say. She sighed and approached him, and gave him the most awkward hug he’d ever received. “Jasme tells me you’re her new brother. Guess that makes…” she didn’t complete the sentence. “Regardless, consider this a one-time present. Because you need it. And, perhaps, because I need it. Seeing you so beat up was… upsetting.”

“Thank you Master,” Vajra was at once touched and amused. He returned the hug, feeling as awkward as the Jedi Master.

“I mean it,” she insisted, letting him go. “We’ve Knighted twenty Jedi who were your age or younger. None were put into the same fires that you were. It’s sad that we are being forced to do this.”

“It’s alright. I understand.”

She studied him for a moment. “Truly… we Jedi don’t deserve you,” she said. “We’ve asked too much, and only keep on asking for more.”

Vajra did not feel up to fueling that conversation, and a moment later, Satele cut it off as well.

“Forgive me. The nonstop trickle of dire news is starting to wear me down.”

They spent the next fifteen minutes trying to make small-talk as Vajra sipped the tea. He found that she was a really engaging person to talk to, but she had so many layers of walls around her that it felt like she wasn’t letting much of her true emotions out. It was a fascinating contradiction. Since it added charm and mystique to her natural beauty, it was no wonder that most of the younger Jedi developed crushes on her at some point throughout their training.

“Master… I’m sorry for asking. But do you have any friends? I’ve noticed it before, but you seem to be ‘Grand Master Satele’ a hundred and one percent of the time. Even someone as strong as you needs time and people, with whom you can be…”

“‘Just Satele?’” the Grand Master finished ruefully. “I’m afraid all of my friends are either gone, or drifted. I don’t get the time to socialize like I used to. Few Council Masters do. Still, your point is noted. Perhaps I’ll request a spa day tomorrow.”

Vajra chuckled.

Her comm buzzed. “This is Master Satele Shan.”

“Master, it’s Devel. I’ve just found some news about Lord Vivicar. I would like to speak to the Council as soon as possible.”

“I’ll be right there.” Master Satele betrayed no outward signs of annoyance, but Vajra fancied she had wanted a little more time to herself.

“Fun never ends?” he asked her ruefully.

“Fun never ends.”

“I’ll see myself out, Master. Please don’t wait on me.”

“Thank you. I hope you recover soon.”

*

“She hugged you?” Jasme cackled. “She actually hugged you?”

“Yes,” Vajra tried not to let on how pleased he was.

“Guess that makes it official!” she doubled over, almost falling off her bench laughing. “You’re mine now! Oh, Theron’s gonna be so jealous of you…”

“Try to be quieter,” Kira whispered. “Don’t want the whole world finding out, do you?”

“Kira, I’ve been meaning to tell you this… but you’ve been really depressed since I woke up… I hope you don’t blame yourself for what happened.”

He stopped at Kira’s wounded look, but whatever retort her sharp mind came up with was bitten back before it left her lips. “It was difficult. If Nariel hadn’t reached us when she did… A minute slower, and you’d be dead.”

Vajra shivered.

“What’s wrong?” Jasme asked sharply. Her laughter had cut off so abruptly that a bird above tilted its head in apparent surprise. Kira’s head snapped up at her tone.

“I—”

“You had the most heartstoppingly frightened look in your eye…”

“I do?” Vajra swallowed. “I don’t… I don’t know—”

“Are you starting to remember?” Kira asked.

“I’ve been having nightmares,” Vajra replied.

“Well, you’ve told us about your night terrors,” Jasme said slowly. “But you said you forget the dreams themselves.”

“And I still don’t remember them. But I remember… being afraid. I was being attacked by… something. Something evil and shadowy. It burned me, robbed me of my strength and senses before it started to cut me up. I felt… like I was looking at death in the face.” He shuddered.

“That ‘monster’ was called a ‘Sand Demon,’” Kira said in a dead monotone. Jasme stirred, but didn’t say anything. “I don’t know about shadowy or evil, but it was dangerous. And you were not at your best.”

“It wasn’t the Sand Demon that robbed you of your strength and sight though,” Jasme said reluctantly. “That was the splendid Tatooine suns.”

“Tatooine? Sand Demons?” Vajra rubbed an eye. The words triggered a strong sense of unease.

“Perhaps we should have seen this coming, but your people are not suited to hot climates,” Jasme said. “And Tatooine is one of the hottest worlds there is, unless you count volcanic ones. You took the standard precautions against its binary suns, but they weren’t enough. You fainted from severe heat stroke before the first evening. And the effects lingered.”

“Lingered?”

“You were recuperating onboard the ship while Kira continued looking for the Shock Drum. But you were forced to emerge before you were fully recovered when Lord Praven set a challenge you couldn’t refuse.”

“Your duel with him was hard on you,” Kira sighed. “He got a few small hits in, but what really threw you off was the Force Scream. It nearly deafened you. And in that state, you had to help me take on yet another major threat. The Sand Demons. They were big and fast. You were fine until you faced the last three, by which time we were so close to the Shock Drum that it was hurting you. So, there. A dozen smaller factors conspired to become a giant ball of ‘let’s fuck up Vajra.’ And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t even Heal you when you needed it. The Kolto… it wasn’t enough. It was Master Nariel’s intervention that stabilized you. I was useless.”

“Don’t say that,” Jasme thumped Kira’s back. “You weren’t trained for this kind of situation! You were training to be a Consular. You shouldn’t have been on the front lines at all, or had to Heal someone—”

“And that was my mistake from the start,” Kira snapped. “If only I told Master Kiwiiks who I was, if only I’d convinced her that I was always meant for this life, I wouldn’t have been totally helpless! I could have done something!”

“You did do something. You stopped the Shock Drum before it killed Master Kiwiiks. You said yourself, that Vajra couldn’t get any closer.”

“I couldn’t?”

“Yes. It was hurting you more than it hurt Kira. A lot more.”

“Is this another physiology thing?”

“I don’t know,” Jasme admitted. “Probably. Or maybe it’s because you were already weakened. The Heat and the Force Scream, both.”

“Did you hear that, Kira? If you failed at something, I failed at something.”

“That’s not true. You gave it your all! You fought like a hero! Even wounded and crippled, you defeated the likes of Praven and those Sand Demons! You achieved your mission, you kept me safe—”

“And you achieved yours, by saving Master Kiwiiks and stopping the Shock Drum from going off!” Jasme said earnestly.

“You don’t get it, Jazzie,” Kira nearly screamed in frustration. She took a few breaths to calm herself down and repeated herself more quietly, but no less intense. “You don’t get it. When I came clean to Master Vajra—told him about my past—I asked him to protect me, and teach me to protect myself. It was only after Tatooine that I realized that I’d asked him to serve as my fucking meat shield!”

“Praven said you held your own against him—”

“No. He was holding back. He didn’t fight me with nearly the same intensity.” Kira wiped away furious tears. “I’m supposed to be one of your closest friends,” she told Vajra. “But I put you in the hospital. You’re better off without me. I’m sorry, boss. It’s been fun, but this is where I—”

Jasme slapped Kira hard. “Don’t you dare walk away from him now! Fine, let’s say for argument’s sake that it is all your fault. That’s all the more reason to stay! To help him get better! Besides; have you forgotten that you were rated less than average among the Jedi saberists? Now you’re in the top thirty-five percent at least! A few more months of effort, and you’d have been able to crush the likes of Praven! You didn’t ‘fail’ because you didn’t give a damn, you weren’t ready yet! You were just very unlucky! But if you walk away now, when Vajra needs a friend now more than ever, I swear I’ll never forgive you.” Vajra had never seen so fierce a glare on her face. “Besides, Praven didn’t try to attack you because of you. He was after Vajra. Even if you weren’t around, they would still have fought. And Vajra would have lost, since you were the one doing so much work on Tatooine. And again, Nariel might have stabilized him, but you still did enough. You played your part in saving his life.”

Kira was massaging her red cheek.

“She saved my life?” Vajra asked eagerly. “My hero!”

“Don’t give me that. It was the bare minimum I could do.”

“But you did do it! And you did it well. Without you, Vajra and Master Kiwiiks would both be dead. Perhaps all of Tatooine, too.”

Vajra blanched again at the reminder. Snatches of his experience were coming back to him now; he could remember the Sand Demons a little. Their size, their speed, their—

“They were talking to each other,” Vajra breathed. “The Sand Demons,” he added at their puzzled expressions. “They were able to communicate and formulate a plan… to a degree, anyway. Not true sentience, but close to it.”

“I’ll need to add that to their file later on then,” Jasme sighed. “Give me a full account when you remember, will you?”

“I—alright.”

“And you,” she glared again at Kira. “You’re not responsible for any of this.” She cupped her hands around Kira’s cheeks. “Quite the opposite. You supported him and kept him alive. You’re a hero.”

“She’s right,” Vajra agreed. “I may not remember the details, but I do remember the feeling of my goose getting cooked. You saved me. If not by yourself, you still helped.”

Kira tried to covertly wipe away another tear. “Just give me a bit, would you? I’ll be back.” Then she marched away as fast as her legs could carry her.

“I… honestly don’t think she could have improved faster,” Vajra said. “Especially since we barely got an hour and a half most days.”

“She’ll be fine,” Jasme sighed. “I hope. I shouldn’t have hit her. She’s tough as nails. You weren’t the first person she ever saw close to death. That she’s taking it this badly… I really shouldn’t have hit her.”

“Apologize later.”

“I will.”

*

#star wars #swtor #star wars the old republic #fanfic #fanfiction #star wars fanfiction #swtor fanfiction #jedi knight #hero of tython

[rattling-the-teacups]

Reading through your posts and didn’t want to overwhelm you with a ton of notifs. Just wanted to say that you have been in my thoughts. He was so lucky to have been loved by you. Just reading what you have written about him makes me wish I knew him. I know that a million I’m sorrys will never fix the hurt you’re feeling right, but I truly am sorry that you’re having to go through this. Sending you so much love. 💙

I think you sent this ask a few days ago at least, but I've been really appreciating seeing it in my inbox. I'm really happy to know that there are so many people who care about me and Tyler, even folks who don't really know us. Honestly, I was lucky to have been loved by him. Our love for each other will always continue even though he won't. He loved me first, he pursued me even when I got scared and pulled away. He had all the faith in the world in me, he thought I was beautiful, smart, funny, capable. So often I don't believe those things about myself, especially being capable. He would always encourage and support me with my endeavours, he helped me with my classes. He would proofread my assignments before I turned them in, and the only reason why I passed two math classes in a row was because he sat down and did my homework with me. He worked, he took care of my uncle, he took care of the house, he took care of me. Sometimes I worried that he was too spread out to sustain himself, but things were getting less stressful for him and we were making plans for the near future. Nobody can ever know exactly why another person makes the decisions they make, especially if you can't ask them anymore. I have my theories about how he was thinking at the moment of his fatal mistake based on what he told me and what he posted to tumblr. The truth is, though, I don't know why exactly he made the poor decision that led to his death, but I do know that he didn't want to die and that it was an accident. I have made the assumption that you are younger than me, perhaps even younger than Tyler. Please think about what you do before you do it. Don't do things you know are dangerous, even if you think you'll be lucky and nothing bad will happen to you. He wasn't able to learn his lesson, but we can learn from it to avoid the same consequences. Tyler was incredibly smart and intuitive, but he was also reckless and ungovernable. Poor impulse control leads to bad decisions, which can lead to serious outcomes. He really did think nothing seriously bad was going to happen to him, alas for the confidence of youth.

I am grateful for the time I spent with him and bitter over all the time I didn't. Ours was a great romance, we really did love each other to death. I know that if our places were switched that he would have given me the same respect and care that I gave him in his final days. I only wish this would have happened in 70 years instead of last month. I'm older, I'm supposed to die first.

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words. I kind of went off on a tangent and a lecture there, so sorry about that. Thanks for reaching out. I need a reminder that there are good people still and good friends to be made, bread to be broken, life to be lived. 💗

#asks #grief #bridgeoverstrawberryfields