Ok, so, I wanted to do some art for today, but I never got around to it, so I guess what I'm doing for day 30 is just a positive rant about this community and how awesome it is
Day 30, Home
For my whole life, I've felt most at peace in nature. I don't quite know why, but I know it makes me feel safe. I'll go on 3 hour long bike rides that are really just 1 hour of biking and 2 hours of sitting by the river. I'll sit out in the prickly, hot, uncomfortable backyard just to be near a tree, and I'll do anything to just stay still on a forest path and slowly watch nature return to how it was before I came.
And I think that's why I love Rangers Apprentice so much. The whole vibe of the books, of the universe, is so familiar to me. It's also taught me things that I view as necessary, like how to properly watch someone who might be trouble without them knowing I am, or how to become as unobtrusive as possible in a crowded room. The universe and the community just feel so much like home to me, so safe and kind, that it's hard to imagine anything but my actual home making me feel so happy.
This is the part of the post that I'm a bit iffy about including cause I don't wanna bother people, but here we go: some of the best people I've met online have been in this fandom, they're just so sweet and kind and everytime I get a note from them with a message I smile.
@artsysurvivor , I'm like 90% sure you were the first person to ever reblog one of my posts with a message of some kind. You're so sweet and uplifting, and you were honestly a major help when I asked people for Irish lullaby recommendations. You're absolutely awesome and amazing, and one of the reasons I love this fandom as much as I do.
@crowleymeratynranger17 , this one is kinda harder to explain, lol. I've been trying to find a post that you've like left a message on and stuff but I can't find any sadly, but the way you are pretty reliably the first person to interact with my posts has made you a kind of reminder that even in tough times, there are still people who want hear what I say. If you feel uncomfortable with being on this list, I can totally delete this section, but I still just wanted to include it
And most recently, @an1d10t ! Dude, your headcanons and general attitude are so awesome. The way you focus on the little things and the implications and the sweet things is just so refreshing to see, even though I love the angst and all that. Also, you're just generally so cool! And kind! And nice to interact with! You've been really making this entire community feel like a community for me. Thank you!
And also, thank you to literally everyone else. I may not have specific things to say, but if you interact with this fandom at all, I really do appreciate you. This is the most welcomed I have ever been in a community, and I can not over state how much the people here mean to me. If it was possible to have a true home on the internet, it'd be this community! Thank you, everyone, for making this place feel like home!
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When someone really cool that I’ve followed for a while follows me back I feel like I have to be more normal with my posting habits for a bit because I don’t want to scare them away, as if they were a nervous horse who might run away if I move too suddenly. But eventually I realize that it’s impossible for me to be normal forever so I just go back to being weird regular annoying me and cross my fingers that they stay
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that ivan loves till is the most obvious thing about them
but. does ivan know that…?
the ivan that regards his own feelings as shallow, the ivan that learned how emotions are expressed only from copying others… does he even know that the love he’s felt for so long is love?
probably not. and part of the reason is the one he loves himself
because the easiest example he has of love is till's feelings to mizi. till outright calls it love, and ivan watches him so much he has to be aware of this
and till’s love to mizi is totally unselfish, right. he doesn’t seem to actually want much from her—just that she's still there and still "mizi"
but ivan can't be satisfied with just watching
he… wants. ivan wants till’s attention, till’s affection—
surely this selfish wanting can’t be love
...no wonder he was never able to express his feelings straightforwardly when he belittles them so much
but he can’t stand not having anything either, so he does… whatever he does instead to get any scraps of attention he can, from someone he's convinced doesn't care about him at all
only showing affection when till can't see it, right until he knows he's going to die
but ivan's feelings for till are all he still has of himself... to think of them as shallow...
I've seen this translated as "I should've been kinder" to him (till) or to her (sua)
but really, the one he should've been kinder to was himself
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