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#source: hot fuzz
incorrectfexi · 2 months
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lexi: when is your birthday?
fez: february 22nd
lexi: of what year?
fez: every year
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incorrect-marmalade · 2 months
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Otis: When is your birthday?
Baron: June 7.
Otis: Of what year?
Baron: Every year.
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artemisfowlcodex · 2 years
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Trouble: Have you always wanted to be a police officer?
Holly: Yeah, apart from that one summer during my childhood, when I wanted to be a frog.
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incorrectghostfiles · 2 years
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Ryan: Are there any questions?
Shane: Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that, if you shoot it, it will blow up??
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Conversation
Jesse: When's your birthday?
Radar: March 5th.
Jesse: What year?
Radar: Every year...
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Philip: Matthew, when’s your birthday? 
Matthew: Tishrei the 9th. 
Philip: I mean what year? 
Matthew: Every year.
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Jonathan: Geoffrey, when's your birthday? 
Geoffrey: January 6th. 
Jonathan: No, I mean, what year? 
Geoffrey: Every year.
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McCoy: What made you want to be a Captain of a Starship?
Kirk: I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a Captain, apart from the summer of 2239 when I wanted to be Kermit The Frog.
McCoy: Shame, I think you would’ve made a great muppet.
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Lucas: Chrissy Cunningham was fucking cursed!
Jason: Just like Fred Benson?
Lucas: Yes!
Jason: And Patrick McKinny?
Lucas: Yes!
Jason: And the Creel family?
Lucas: Yes!
Jason: Max Mayfield?
Lucas: No, actually.
Jason: Really?
Lucas: 'Course she FUCKING WAS.
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Smolder: There's always something going on in this school, Gallus, you gotta look closer. What about her?
Gallus: Thas' our teacher.
Smolder: Ask yourself, why is her hat always down like that?
Gallus: Cuz she's butt ugly.
Smolder: Or maybe she doesn't want to be seen wherever she's going.
Gallus: (nodding) Cuz she's butt ugly.
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Yosemite Sam: [taking Hector the Bulldog hostage] Stay back! Or the dog here gets it! [Hector bites Sam's hand and runs away] Ow! You little!
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enockhe · 1 year
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Marek: What was it like, the amputation?
Tavian: It was the single most painful experience of my life.
Marek: What was the second most painful?
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crowdiminico · 1 year
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!!! would love to hear about ur roach headcanons and backstory, I miss him
Hi anon! I miss our bug boy too - but it's what inspired me to make the 'Bloodlines' series!
So, my Roach headcanons, it's a bit long but hey ho:
He's British - born and raised in rural green of East of England.
Accent? He has what is known as a Modern RP British accent (Youtube example) with a hint of "farmer" sometimes thrown in because you can't escape it if you live in the East lmao.
He hold dual nationality (British and US) but uses the British flag.
He is a Royal Marine, specifically apart of the Special Forces Support Group. He joined when he was 17.
He is a K9 handler, chosen to be a part of a new trial of Royal Marine based K9s. This is how he met his dog, Nacho! The trial was scrapped leaving them as the only pair that made it through.
He's a skilled and focused fighter on duty, but off duty he's a friendly, empathic guy who likes to make jokes.
He knows British Sign Language - after his mother's death, he was diagnosed with Selective Mutism. Therapy and counselling helped deal with his grief and he started to speak again but sometimes he uses BSL because he's a little sh*t ;)
His appearance:
He has sandy blonde hair, cut fairly short but has a good ol' fluffy fringe parted on the right.
His eyes are a bluey-green.
Caucasian skin with freckles on his arms.
He's 180cm tall, he's well-built with defined muscle but naturally slim and small.
He has a scar on his right cheek and neck, along with many unseen scars on his chest.
His family:
His father is American, his mother was British.
His father is a high ranked officer in the US Army, he started out in the US Miliatry Police and worked his way up.
His father was stationed as security in the UK at a USAF base, its how he met Roach's mother.
His mother passed away from cancer when he was 9, this strained his relationship with his father.
Roach's uncle is Sandman! Sandman is the younger brother of Roach's father.
Roach considers Sandman his "dad", he stepped up when his biological father didn't and has always been there for Roach.
A big part of Roach's background was being apart of a secretive joint unit between Special Forces Royal Marines and US Marines. The unit only did a handful of missions before it was attacked during a mission to retrieve stolen intel from an enemy compound. The unit were travelling in a convoy when they were swarmed by insurgents - by the time help arrived, only 4 unit members were still alive and Roach was one of them (along with Nacho). This is where he received his scars.
He was sent back to the UK 2 days later to recover in hospital - on arrival he was met by Sandman, who had flown in as soon as he heard about the attack. Roach was offered a place in the SAS but he turned it down as they did not want Nacho to come with him. Instead, Roach and Nacho travel back to America with Sandman, where Roach recovers and spends his days keeping up training.
I've tried to simplify everything down - feel free to ask more questions for more in-depth stuff, Sandman headcanons etc :)
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Hey!!! I just finished reading song of Achilles and I have been crying for the better part of the last hour while reading, hence in serious need of some Bucky comfort. So how about college or lumberjack Bucky (cuz they’re my favorites) who don’t really understand the whole fuzz over books but still holding his girl while she sobs her chest out out about a book (you can change the book of you want), hot tears down her face, ugly crying yknow?
It’s okay if you don’t want to :)) Have a great day 💕💕💕
Pairing: lumberjack!bucky x reader (can be read separately from undisclosed, but also a little reference to it)
A/n: Okay sooo this was so sweet and I had to write a drabble for it!! All this angst I've been writing needs some comfort! :)
~~~
He hears the crying first. 
It’s a terrible sound that constricts his chest each time it meets his ears. Bucky would like to consider himself partially responsible for your tears becoming a rare occurrence, so when he hears them, he experiences an array of emotions—fear, panic, a twisted sort of heartbreak. 
At the front door of his home, Bucky strains his ears to confirm what he’s already dreading. Because maybe you weren’t crying. Maybe you were sick? That wasn’t much better, but at least it was a more concrete issue. 
When he hears the tissue box and the loud meow from Alpine—the closest thing to concern he’d ever heard from a cat—Bucky doesn’t even take his coat off before he’s barreling into your bedroom. 
You startle, puffy eyes darting up to him as he takes up space in the small room. 
And he’s devastated. You hadn’t looked like that in a long time, all tear-stained cheeks and frazzled hair. Bucky considers the multitude of reasons you could be so upset, but then decides it doesn't matter. Not when you’re looking at him like that. 
“Oh, honey,” he coos. His socks make soft sounds on the carpet as he walks over to you, but the action only sends more tears down your face. Bucky could collapse. “Sweetheart, what happened?” 
You don’t say much at first, opting to bury your face into his chest the second he makes contact with the bed. It’s too warm in here for the amount of clothes he’s wearing. Bucky doesn’t really care. You keep crying—Bucky keeps running his fingers through your hair. 
Each sob that leaves your lips sounds more broken than the last, breaking Bucky down bit by bit. He wants to fix this, make it better, but Bucky has never been good with words. He’d been trying, for you. He will try now. 
“Tell me what happened, sweet girl?” he mumbles into the skin of your temple, lips hesitant to leave your skin. He was always better with physical communication. He was also the best at loving you like this. 
Your breathing gets choppy as you try to calm down. Shallow puffs of air meet the stitching of his sweater, and he rocks you as a way to coax a more steady pattern into your lungs. Even though he was wrought with panic, you were okay. Bucky had you, so you were okay. 
“He—he died, Buck,” you eventually choke out. “He died and then there was no—there was nothing—” your words cut off again as more tears soak his chest. 
“Who?” he stresses, although his tone doesn’t give that away. “Who, honey? Someone you know?” 
“No,” you sob. The sound knocks the air from Bucky’s lungs. 
Taking inventory in his head, that means all of his friends are safe, all of your friends. It means your awful family is alive as well, and while that doesn't matter much to him, at least he knows it isn’t the source of your strife. But the pain in your voice, the way you were limp against him and fighting for air. 
Bucky couldn’t understand. 
“Tell me who. What has you so sad, hm?” he tries, voice dropping into an even gentler tone. 
You dig your fingers into Bucky’s jacket, pulling away after a moment. Bucky reaches for you, trying to chase your figure because he wasn’t done trying to make this better, he needs to make you better. But then you slap something into his lap and he’s confused again. 
“Them,” you all but sob, turning back into the material of his jacket. 
Bucky wraps an arm around your shoulders as he inspects the book on his thighs. He’s still lost, but your crying has morphed into sniffles so he asks, “What was that, sweet girl?” 
He’s packing it on with the endearments, but seeing you like this is brutal. 
“In the book,” you explain. “They were so in love. And then he died. And afterwards—Bucky it was awful.” 
Oh. 
A book. 
This is manageable, to Bucky. You’re not in pain and he can handle this. 
He hauls you closer into his chest. You shuffle until your frame is enclosed by his. Bucky’s size had always been something he found inconvenient until you came into his life. Because after that, he found it was good at making you feel safe. A way to protect you from anything. 
Even… a book? 
Surely a book. 
“Hey, it’s alright, I got you,” he hums.
“Never die,” you whisper, and Bucky's mouth twists uncomfortably. 
“I won’t.” 
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butchsunbear · 22 hours
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Silky Wings (Mothman (mothbutch?)x human druid)
Kinks covered: Monsterfucking (obviously), ovipostion, size difference, slight CNC, pheromones.
Crackling blue flames were the only source of light in dark forest, and huddled close to the campfire was Priya, a human druid. She had been separated from her party and got lost in the woods. After hours of searching, she decided to set up camp. She sighed, "Bunch of dicks they are." She stood up, going into her tent and rooting through her bag to get out her sleeping bag and med kit.
She set up her sleeping bag and left the tent, sitting by the fire which illuminated her. One could see her clearly now. She was fairly tall and slender, with brown skin covered in scars with a head of long, thin black hair. Her brown eyes glowed in the blue fire, as she had to look up at it to keep the spell running.
She pulled off her leather chest armor, then pulled up the sleeve of her undershirt to reveal a nasty gash on her arm. She took out a few of the magic berries she created earlier, squeezing the juice into the wound, wincing at first, but the healing magic caused the wound to slowly close.
As she watched the wound close, a large shadow suddenly cast over her. She turned around, looking up to see a giant moth-like creature in front of her. The creature's body was completely black, with huge wings at least ten feet wide. It had a scarf of dark gray neck fluff and large gray antennae. The creature was at least twelve feet tall, nearly double Priya's height. It had an extra pair of arms, both sets long and lanky. But out of all of those traits, the most noticeable was the pair of huge red eyes the creature had.
"H-hello?" Priya said quietly. The antennae of the moth creature drooped in response. It seemed to have picked up the scent of something. Priya went to stand up, trying to tell if she had any way of communicating with the creature. The creature leaned down, its face nearly at the same level as hers. The creature stared into Priya's eyes, its feathery antennae twitching and pointing towards her.
"What do you want?" The druid asked, flicking her eyes back towards the flames. "Did you want to see the lights?" She asked, motioning towards the fire. She prayed her beast communication skills would be enough to figure this out.
The moth looked over at the flames, grabbing onto Priya's arm, and it began to make its way over to the fire. "Wait! Wait, what are you doing?" She cried out, not knowing the intentions of the moth creature and feared she would be thrown into the flames before she had time to put them out.
The creature seemed to notice her distress, picking her up instead. She was suddenly being princess carried in the arms of a monster. Priya hadn't been picked up like this before. Sure, her party's barbarian could pick her up, but he's a half-elf. They were super close in height. She was much smaller than this moth though, she felt more vulnerable.
As she was held by the creature, now sitting by the fire, she also recognized something. There was a smell coming from the creature. It was the same as the berries! The creature was excreting pheromones. It must've smelled the berry juice.
"Does it think I'm another moth? No... maybe it just likes the light and the smell." She thought, but after a little while in the creature's arms, as she had started to get drowsy from the warmth of the flames and the fuzzy monster, Priya felt something hot and slimy against her thighs.
Oh?
Oh.
Priya sat up, the dwindling flames bursting back to life as she opened her eyes fully. The creature noticed her struggling and, in response, just held her closer.
"N-no! Wait!"
She squirmed more, and the creature leaned in, opening its mouth, which was previously hidden by fuzz, revealing a long, gray tongue. It pressed a kiss to Priya's lips, the long tongue entering her mouth, she squirmed for a little, flustered and whimpering before finally melting under the relentless affection as the creature's tongue pushed up against hers.
Priya wrapped her arms around the moth creature's neck, all the kissing making her head spin. Her groin felt warm, her heart was beating fast, and her hands were burying themselves in the moth creature's fluff. The secondary pair of arms stayed wrapped around her waist, the primary moving up to pull off her undershirt. Priya pathetically tried to push the monster away, but the creature was too strong. It pulled off the undershirt, and she couldn't help but try and cover herself.
"N-no, please don't lo-" Priya tried to say, but was cut off by the creature groping and kissing her chest. She felt like she was going to cry she was so overwhelmed. Her back arched as the moth creature ran a hand down her thighs, her lower half exposed as the creature pulled off her pants and undergarments in one pull. Before she could cover herself, the creature pinned her down with its primary arms, the secondary set spreading open her legs. 
"Oh god please don't look there, please moth!" Priya begged, the creature didn't care, nuzzling its soft face against her thigh. It emitted a little purr-like sound, the hands holding Priya's arms down soon linked with hers. It was embarrassing to admit, but she felt...safe. The creature started laying kisses on her thighs, getting closer and closer to where she wanted it most. "Gods this is so embarrassing..." She mumbled, her pussy all wet and needy because of this creature. What would her party think if she was found? Why did she let this thing do this to her?
Priya's thoughts got cut off as the creature let out another purr, laying soft kisses on her slit. "Ohh~ You...you're actually pretty...huff...pretty cute." The creature looked up from between her legs, slowly letting its tongue loll out and spreading Priya's lips. "It's ok...please~ Make me yours~" She said, shutting her eyes as she got too flustered.
The moth cresture started to eat her out. Priya's breathing started to become heavy. She no longer felt the heat from the flames, but felt extremely warm from the monster's touch. The monster's massive tongue licked at her swollen clit, the attention making Priya jerk and twitch, she squeezed the moth creature's hands, and it kept licking. She was getting more and more sensitive, as it went on, her breathing got even heavier.
At this point, Priya let out little sighs and whines. Her clit felt extremely sensitive, every touch going through her whole body. "Too much~" She whined, and the moth creature stopped, nuzzling her leg. Priya looked down, seeing those big red eyes shimmering a little. The moth creature straddled her waist, and Priya felt and saw a long, pink ovipositor on her belly. It had to be at least 10 inches. It tapered off a little at the end and was covered in a slimy fluid.
"You... want to put that thing in me?" Priya asked, though she already knew the answer. "I don't, I don't think that'll fit!" She told the creature, but at the same time, she didn't really care. Honestly, this moth thing was more attentive and affectionate than her previous partners. "Please be gentle. It's been a while."
As if something was triggered in it, the moth creature laid most of its body on top of Priya's, both sets of arms hugging her close and protectively. Her face was buried in fluff as she held on. The ovipositor slowly slipped inside. It was warm, and Priya squeezed the creature as it slowly added more and more. A little moan escaped Priya's lips, the moth creature moving up a hand to pet her head as it filled her up.
The creature managed to get about 6 inches in before Priya couldn't take any more. She felt a bit embarrassed, but the creature seemed to be enjoying her by the way its wings were fluttering, and it let out a purr. "You..haah~ You can move now, just st-start slow," Priya told it.
The creature moved its hips back and forth, Priya letting out loud moans as it cried out in pleasure. The two held each other close, the moth creature leaning down to kiss Priya. She accepted the kiss, all the stimulation making her a little dizzy as the two made out. The creature sped up a bit, Priya moaning into the kiss as she sucked on its tongue. The ovipositor rubbed on her sensitive spots, and she was already worked up from getting eaten out.
Priya couldn't speak, her mouth full of monster tongue and brain full of static as she couldn't even put words together. She wrapped her legs around the monster as she came, her juices coating the moth creature's ovipositor as it continued to rail her.
She was nearly crying from how good it felt, the moth creature's ovipositor starting to throb and was leaking fluid as it came up on orgasm. The moth creature pulled out of the kiss, letting out a screech as it started to fill Priya with lubricant fluid and eggs. Priya's belly bulged out as she felt the eggs enter her womb. She panted and held tight as the moth creature kept petting her head. Eventually it stopped, slowly pulling out as green lubricant fluid dripped from Priya's pussy.
The moth creature picked her up, cuddling Priya close and kissing her forehead. Priya clung to the monster, almost afraid it would leave. It carried her into the tent, having to duck and sit in order to fit inside. The moth creature laid with Priya on the bedroll, letting out a little chittering sound as it wrapped its wings around her. She felt sleepy, the warmth of the monster, and the warm feeling in her belly cause her eyes to droop. The monster laid a hand on her belly, kissing Priya's head and purring.
She eventually fell asleep. The two would have to pack up tomorrow, the monster was going to take Priya home. After all, how could it leave its cute little mate to raise their babies on her own?
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olympain · 3 months
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I was tagged by the lovely @theladyigraine to list 5 comfort shows + 5 comfort movies and then to tag 10 people to do this as well if they want!
5 COMFORT SHOWS
life on mars (2006)
there she goes (2018)
taskmaster nz (2020)
andor (2022)
vicious (2013)
5 COMFORT MOVIES
swiss army man (2016)
1917 (2019)
hot fuzz (2007) & the world's end (2013) (they're both cornetto so technically can be counted as one. source: me)
the batman (2022)
24 hour party people (2002)
tagging > @barry--keoghan @mariner-2 @catabasis @killsandthrills @kenobismullet @kitmarlowe @andysambcrg @raspberrydee @hegodamask @wernerherzoghaircut
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