#sorry this was a whole fucking essay but it was an interesting question i've thought a lot about
Note
smth I find interesting is their differences in like the Definition of murder. like stede didn't directly kill either of the badmintons, but he still thinks of himself as a vicious murderer. but Ed only directly killed ONE person, but indirectly killed soo many ppl, like when Jack says he lit the boat on fire, and he says technically the fire killed those people. my theory is stede hates himself, and has the whole time, so unconsciously he's grasping onto this as a reason for it, and Ed is trying to never think about those people he killed so he doesn't hate himself any more than he has to.... idk I just think its an interesting character detail :-]
the interesting thing to me is that stede did not feel bad At All for "killing" nigel. like he straight up told the elder guy that. the dude asked if he felt bad for killing him and he said Not really, he sucked even as a kid! and figured out that really the reason he felt bad was because he felt inadequate and nigel reminded him he'd abandoned his family (nigel reminding him of this is also how we, the audience, are introduced to the idea that stede left them for piracy) which made him feel guilty about THAT, so what you said about him displacing his self-hatred onto this is pretty accurate.
so he didn't really feel bad about being a murderer. it's why he could leave mind-nigel behind on the shore at the end of that episode. stede isn't as averse to murder as he is to violence, per se. we see in his flashbacks that violence has been associated with masculinity for his whole life, the specific kind of masculinity he's been excluded from, that violence turned on him as a result of his exclusion. also it seems like he just thinks it's gross lol
when chauncey died, it had the same effect: chauncey forced him to remember that he abandoned his family, he didn't really give a shit about chauncey dying, but he remembered what he'd done "to" his family (assuming they were worse off without him) and felt like he needed to resolve that. it had already been on the forefront of his anxieties from learning he had been declared dead, so chauncey just pushed him over the edge, so to speak.
it's telling that when he says "at some point, a man's gotta face the music for the things he's done and the people he's hurt" we get a shot of nigel dying at "the things he's done," a relatively neutral statement, and a shot of his family at "and the people he's hurt," because from his perspective, he really only cares that he (possibly) hurt mary and the kids.
there are some inconsistencies that i hope they explore later, like stede burning that ship of aristocrats alive but looking taken aback when calico jack said ed burned a ship of people alive (with the crew still trapped inside? perhaps that was the difference).
ed's philosophy is harder to parse because we haven't spent as much time with him. he clearly sees violence as monstrous. the only person he's ever killed was his dad, which he did as a last resort to keep his mom safe after his dad was violent, and we don't know for how long that went on. after that he "always outsourced the big job," which seems like a pretty straightforward way to rationalize necessary violence. he didn't skin that guy, fang did. same end, different means.
the fact that he constructed the myth of the kraken around killing his dad is VERY interesting. not only does he outsource actual killing to his crew or other external forces, he took his one true murder and turned it into a horror story he uses to scare people, saying it's the only thing that scared him. it's hard to tell if he genuinely believed in the kraken until stede's fuckery triggered his real memory or if he knew the whole time. either way, he clearly was traumatized by killing his dad and that led him to his current philosophy, whatever the extent of that is.
looking forward to season two, it seems like they're foreshadowing ed dropping this philosophy entirely by not just going back to being blackbeard but declaring himself the kraken, the part of himself he invented to rationalize his one and only murder. which, of course, implies he'll be doing more murdering. we'll see!
#giddy over s2 for real#sorry this was a whole fucking essay but it was an interesting question i've thought a lot about#especially stede's philosophy#i hope we get more direct ed POV next season because this one was very stede and the crew POV which ofc makes sense BUT-#anyway#stede bonnet#edward teach#blackbonnet#ofmd#our flag means death#cricket answers#cricket chirps
45 notes
·
View notes
Text
So, Slightly Aggressive Affirmer, what's your whole deal?
Great question, Clive.
(Sorry, I thought you were some sort of chat show host called Clive. Let me readjust my worldview)
Great question, friends. Why did I write Aggressive Affirmations in a consistently reliable, ritual manner for 5 years and then stop doing it and constantly keep coming back and promising to start again and never making good on it?
Well. There are actually 3 answers to that question.
.
Answer #1
To begin with, let's reposition our worldview - just as we did with Clive. Now, let's change the way we see me, The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer. What if we put a new filter over me - we'll call it the "Autism Filter". I haven't got the money to go through the diagnosis process but it's looking pretty likely.
With that filter on, look again at my being absolutely focused on writing affirmations for 5 years and then stopping to suddenly focus obsessively on my research work for the next 2 or 3 - except for the two months I took off to sit on the porch every single day and write a medieval romance novel.
Now I want to get back into affirming again and I try to - I still feel it's important and I keep saying to myself I'll do it - but I just don't have that obsessive drive to do it anymore.
I think if we look at this with the autism filter, it starts to paint a pretty clear picture of what might be going on here...
.
Answer #2
It became more and more difficult, and more high stakes to write affirmations, as the number of followers kept growing. There are now 15000 - although who knows how many of you are still on Tumblr? But that's a lot of responsibility and it became very stressful to keep making sure SAAs are for everyone and that no one feels excluded by them (excepting people who should always be excluded, like Nazis). When it was just a few random people reading affirmations, it was much easier to chuck in a few and whatever. But the more the blog grew, the greater the stress.
.
Answer #3
I started writing Slightly Aggressive Affirmations for myself. I was the only one following the blog and it was set to send ME reminders of my own value - in the kind of aggressive language necessary to get through to me - because I was extremely low on confidence and needed real force to get it in to my head. But then things snowballed.
Thing is - I don't need them any more. It's harder to think of the kinds of things I should write, because I know longer need them myself. I have Slightly Aggressively Affirmed myself to a really great place, in terms of my self confidence and self love. I still have bipolar, and right now my life isn't going so great, so I get depressed but I do not believe fundamentally, at my core, that I am bullshit trash.
My primary emotion nowadays is possibly worse! I'm driven by anger a lot of the time - I've got a lot of deep rage, caused by long ago trauma. (I'm in therapy, don't worry). But I think most people would agree that I'm a fundamentally different person to who I was pre-pandemic. I'll tell you more about it some time. But I am drastically different - and definitely more than SLIGHTLY aggressive most of the time.
.
In conclusion, I believe affirming used to be an autistic special interest of mine and now it is not - but I'd love to make it one again! Especially now my two-year long, 65 000 word research project is finished. But it's much harder to get back to where I was, because the number of followers I have now is different, Tumblr is different and I am hugely different as a person.
Thankyou for reading this short essay/memoir. I'll see what I can do about a little affirming tomorrow.
Always remember that YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE THE ONLY FUCKING YOU IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!!! THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING MAGICAL THAT IS!!!
97 notes
·
View notes
Note
Will you watch season 2 of HotD or you've lost interest in the show? I wasn't thrilled with season 1, but I do like some characters and I'm curious to see if they'll do them any justice in the next season(s). I'm still trying to be optimistic (which is definitely against my nature 😁), although the latest leaks from Spain (which I desperately hope to be false) doesn't sound promising.
Idk it you read Fire & Blood, but that book is often overrated imho, almost all the characters there are painfully one-dimensional, shallow and bland, while the plot is full of illogical things (especially the Dance part) . So, as you can see, I'm not the biggest book fan, and I do believe that the show did some things better and gave a bit of depth and complexity to certain characters and fleshed them out. However, at the same time it seems to me that they didn't complete what they started, like, you see the potential of the characters and understand their motivations, but then out of the blue they do or say something totally nonsensical and OOC. Take Alicent at the end of episode 8. Rhaenyra says something nice to her and she suddenly forgives everything and forgets that's the same woman who wanted to "sharply question" Aemond after her son Luke maimed him over an insult (a fact, actually), the woman her husband always favoured at the expense of Alicent's own children and finally, the woman who is married to Daemon, the sociopath who hates Alicent and her children and who will kill anyone (and apparently with Rhaenyra and Viserys' blessing) without remorse if it benefits him and his side. I mean, the guy even had the gall to look annoyed during the prayer for Vaemond. Still, according to the show, Alicent somehow needs to "misunderstand" Viserys' last words to crown her own son, and not because it's probably the only way to keep her and her children alive and safe and because her son actually has the strongest claim to the throne according to Westerosi laws avd tradition. And don't get me started on the Velaryons who are collectively depicted as "Dae and Rhae fan club". Like, what is Corlys even thinking?! I won't ask about Baela and Rhaena because they obviously don't get to think and are just unconditionally supportive of Rhaenyra and the Strong boys. Rhaenys is contradictory and inconsistent. It's frustrating, really. Also, the fact that the narrative/the framing of the show heavily favours team black is also off-putting. Nevertheless, I'm still curious and just a bit hopeful that season 2 will balance these things a little. Maybe I'll just be terribly disappointed, but oh well. Sorry for the rant :D
Anyway, as a fan of your fic, I would like to know your opinion. Does the show deserve our optimism and what are your predictions regarding season 2?
S2 predictions? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why would you ask me this? This is a show where someone in a professional HBO writers room said, "So what if a dragon just bursts up from the underground?" And the showrunner was like "Fuck yeah!"
I don't think they even thought to do a camera pan of the carnage. It's like they wanted to make Rhaenys look badass but did a Koolaid Man scene instead.
Tell me that this isn't Rhaenys
Predictions? This is not Leftovers where you could do a whole video essay on foreshadowing and subtext and hidden clues. This is a series where there's a horse running loose in a writer's room and nobody knows what it's going to write next.
This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
My prediction for S2 is that during the time off at least one person realizes that they failed to make Aegon into Joff 2.0, that instead of having him be affably evil, he's onscreen affable and offscreen evil, and they'll try to double down on actually showing that he's evil and actually showing that he's worse than Daemon and Rhaenyra.
We've seen Daemon in brothels, grooming and marrying children, killing Rhea, killing innocent people and murdering lords at court, but we've only been told (by very minor characters) that Aegon is a baby-eating rape monster. It's all extremely "tacked-on."
I think Aegon's the biggest problem that they have to work on. Just getting at least this one character to make sense moving forward.
When Jahaerys is killed, I think they'll use that to really commit to making him the bad guy. Like he'll have to be killing a baby or raping someone or eating someone so that it's not Rhaenyra and Daemon killing a child but "Look at what this bad man was doing instead of protecting his son."
As far as predictions go, that's all I can see. If they only develop one character in S2, it needs to be him. Rhaenyra has Rockstar!Daemon, Rhaenys and Corlys on her side, so they'll have to upscale the green threat otherwise it's a bunch of grown people and veteran soldiers fighting two children who have no experience at anything because the oldest one is a 20-year-old frat boy and his brother is still a teenager. Aegon's going to have to really be villainous.
I feel like there's a reason all his nude scenes are with his mother, it's one of the few consistent things between them through the time skips and actor changes, and I feel like they're going to go fully 500% in that Commodus direction
and have him just be creepy and rapey with her in a "bad incest," how-the-turntables, "be careful what you wish for" way. Alicent's defining trait seems to be "perpetual victim," so I feel like they'll go this way and frame it as if she's getting what she deserves for slapping him around. Ten extra points if they have Rhaenyra or Rhaenys there on hand to be like "Is this your king?"
I don't see them doing anything with Rhaena besides sending her away, and I actively don't want to see Baela going out there getting her dragon killed and her face burnt off in defense of Rhaenyra.
I honestly try to not think about s2 of this.
I was a hardcore asoiaf fan but I didn't like Feast or Dance. I read Dunk and Egg, but he didn't finish that either. And when F&B came out, I got the audiobook and I listened to it for a few hours, probably less than five, and I couldn't concentrate because I kept thinking "Did this bitch seriously package his story notes as a novel for sale??? This is an insult to storytelling."
And I deleted it.
It's the quality for one thing. It's the lack of diversity, it's the author not finishing anything, it's the fandom being 20% fantasy fans, 80% trump rally...
Like, in just 10 episodes HotD has managed to give a voice to pro-rape feminists. Didn't even know that was a thing until I saw it on Twitter.
I saw some of the leaked pics of Helaena at the funeral on my feed, didn't have to scroll far to see people just casually r-wording Helaena and acting like having six fingers is a killing offense since eugenics rhetoric is apparently thriving in this fandom.
And on top of all that, the story doesn't even make sense.
I don't want to be like "dramaturgically speaking" but narrative coherence is a thing. Just from bing chat (yes, I'm using bing 😣):
Narrative coherence is the degree to which a story makes sense. Coherent stories are internally consistent, with sufficient detail, strong characters, and free of significant surprises. The ability to assess coherence is learned and improves with experience. Individuals assess a story's adherence by comparing it with similar stories. The ultimate test of narrative sense is whether the characters act reliably. If figures show continuity throughout their thoughts, motives, and actions, acceptance increases. However, characters behaving uncharacteristically destroy acceptance.
This show has curb-stomped narrative coherence.
Like, take that scene where they killed Vaemond. The way they write it, Rhaenyra has come back after 6 years of never visiting her father to drag him off his deathbed so he can support her in taking Driftmark, the seat of house Velaryon, away from Velaryon people to give it to her son by Harwin Strong. Vaemond is killed for telling the truth.
With different lighting and music, that's peak tyranny. That's some Mad King Aerys shit. In full view of all the lords at court. Every single person in that courtroom is aware that Luke is a bastard and they've just witnessed a lord like themselves get beheaded over it. This isn't Daemon killing commoners. He's killing the lords and ladies of Westeros.
But there's no fallout. Nothing. All the lords of Westeros cease to matter. It's just another Tuesday to them.
Hell, they go even further and frame the scene like Viserys is Old Theoden fighting off the curse of Wormtongue. Otto, Alicent and her goblin children all but shrivel and wither from the sunlight that Rhaenyra brings as Vaemond is cut down by noble Daemon. In that scene, Dark Sister might as well be Andúril, Flame of Old Valyria, sword of justice.
There are shows that are easy to watch that we say are "no brain cells required," but HotD is like, "No brain cells allowed. Switch them off or put them on silent so you don't disturb anyone."
I have no hope for season 2. I would never rec this to anyone or say that I think the writing will improve. The foundation is shit. You can't build a strong s2 on a shit s1 unless you're writing a procedural or an anthology where nothing that comes before matters.
You can't undo things like Alicent supporting Aegon as king because of a misunderstanding. There's a limit to how many things you can retcon without destroying all sense of continuity and they've already gone beyond that in s1.
They're past plot holes. They have whole parts of the world that are just void of all thought. Alicent and Rhaenys are characters who respawn and disintegrate from scene to scene as needed. Corlys is three lines of dialogue in a trenchcoat. Daemon Targaryen is somehow, impossibly, a less-developed Damon Salvatore.
No optimism here.
I'm that jaded ex fan who's like, "hotd is a barren wasteland, riddled with racists, ableists and toxic stans, and those are just the writers. The very fandom air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten-thousand Lindelof-level writers could they fix this shit."
But that being said, I have a really bad habit of watching shit TV.
I've seen Catwoman more than 5 times.
Waterworld, Jonah Hex, Elektra, Daredevil (Ben Affleck and Colin Farrell), Battlefield Earth, Supernova. At least 8 of the Fast movies. All the Transformers. Dracula 2000. All the old school classics of bad cinema.
I haven't watched Morbius as yet and the only reason why is because I feel like Jared Leto is intentionally trying to become Nicholas Cage and I don't want to support that.
There is something about the cringe that hooks me. And with a TV series? That weekly cringe? That is peak entertainment.
It used to take me 4 sometimes 5 hours to watch and digest a single episode of Titans because there were so many questions to think about.
I hyperfixate on bad writing. Trying to figure out all the ways it went wrong and why and what they were trying to do. Once I start, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm hoping swhhw gets it out of my system, but I don't know.
Like, anybody can make good TV. Anybody can do that if you try hard enough. But truly horrible TV isn't supposed to exist. It's like 20 million an episode to make HotD? Nobody is supposed to invest that in a show where the showrunner doesn't even know how old the characters are. Bad TV shows are supposed to be snuffed out before they see the light of day.
But HotD is something special.
You don't accidentally end up with a Koolaid Dragon busting up through concrete. A director described that scene to a VFX crew. The actors had to rehearse that repeatedly. They had to do a read-through...
Like, just think about that.
And then they announce that they're going ahead with s2 without writers?!
That is insane. Part of me says look away, and the other part of me says that s2 of HotD will be something the likes of which I'll never see again.
I really don't want to watch S2, but honestly, I might. Not because I think it will be better but because I'm dead certain it can only get worse.
44 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi! i just wanted to say that I absolutely love Pieces and I greatly admire your work and also how you write dialogue? Writing witty and interesting dialogue can be a bit of a struggle for me but you write the banter between Rosalie and Astarion so well, it's truly incredibly delightful.
I had a question about something in chapter 20 of Pieces. Specifically, when Rosalie asks Astarion if he likes her fancy glow in the dark bed. This may be a misinterpretation of her character but I never got the impression, based on your other works with Rosalie, that she was the type to really gravitate towards expensive or lavish things but as Rosalie herself has stated her house is atrociously fancy now.
I was wondering if this was a "i'm an extremely powerful archmage and have the money so, might as well" type thing. OR if she made those choices for herself with the, maybe subconcious, thought of "these are things astarion would have liked/appreciated/wanted." Maybe as a way to unintentionally bridge the gap between the life with astarion that she actually wants and the life that she had no choice but to have.
The way she asks Astarion if he likes it, and her reaction to his response, to me made it feel like these choices for her living space weren't just for her own enjoyment but also because she wanted to create a house Astarion would want to live in and his opinion on it matters to her not just because he's now living there but because Rosalie always wanted him to.
I just reread the chapter with the fancy garden and the maze and thought that Rosalie, subconciously creating a fancy house with the idea of Astarion one day living in it, AND the Ascendant, conciously creating this whole fancy ostentatious garden with the idea of one day seducing Rosalie in it, both as ways to make up for the one thing both of them want but don't, and can't, have would be an interesting parallel.
If i'm completely off-base and Rosalie just bought herself a fuck off fancy wizard tower complete with heated floors and glow in the dark canopy beds just becasue she could and wanted to than that's cool too. She deserves it honestly.
Also this ask is so long I am so sorry. Your work has given me brain worms like nothing else and I am forever and always an english major at heart, if I had the time and drive I'd write you a whole mulit-paged essay in which I analyzed each house in Pieces, their significance in the narrative, and what they tell us about each character. I am sosososooo normal about you, I promise.
hi lovely. never apologise for writing something at length, I'm very touched that you thought this much about the story and that you took the time to send me this message! :) i love a little bit of literary analysis!
As an English major, you know that any and all interpretations and reader responses to a text are valid, so if this is how you want to read these moments, please go ahead and read it this way!!! There are some things that you say that touch upon future storybeats I've already drafted, so when we get to those chapters hopefully you'll feel rewarded
But in response to your question, yes, the house *is* out of character :) there's a reason why, in my two timeskips, one Rosalie ends up with a cute little flat and a vault worth of diamonds she bought for Astarion, and the other in a massive fuck-off wizard's tower that is, as we'll find out in future chapters, fancy as fuck. But the logic behind it at my end was slightly different than yours, although yours isn't exactly wrong and as I say, I think you'll find stuff in future chapters that makes you happy!
For me, I see Rosalie's wealth in this timeline as an extreme symptom of how lonely and unhappy she is. As the fic has established, Rosalie felt the need to isolate herself, and also buried herself in overwork to both fund her research into Astarion's cure and distract herself from the realities of her life. So the more and more unhappy/workaholic/lonely Rosalie gets, the richer she becomes - for in this timeline, she has nothing other than work, and no one else she wants to spend all that money on. And so she has this massive house bc she needs to spend that money she's accumulated on something, and if that makes her look happy or comfortable from the outside then that's good because then she's not burdening anyone - exactly the same way that the Ascendent's mansion looks decadent and debauched from the outside, to compensate for his true feelings as well.
One really interesting thing about drafting Act 3 currently, is how much Rosalie's issues are now coming to the fore because Astarion, unlike all her friends, hasn't seen a gradual decline in her character/mental health and happiness. For him, it is sudden and abrupt: he has the bubbly hero from the game timeline, and then this strange reclusive hermit ten years later who, to him, is clearly unhappy. And the tower and the way she lives is one way that becomes clear to him.
I hope that makes sense! :)
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
I finished the first season of Veronica Mars! And decided to stop after a couple of episodes of season 2. Idk, I guess I got tired of the lack of closure for many plot lines. The finale was interesting tho, I loved the final villain.
Share your thoughts on the show (here's supposed to be a question mark but tumblr wouldn't let me)
Hi bestie I'm sorry it's taken me so long to talk to you about this show! I'm gonna make up for taking forever by writing like, an essay haha brace yourself
I think that Veronica Mars is a good show that runs into some classic 2000s tv stumbling blocks, manages to do some things that infuriate me personally beyond reason, but ALSO manages to have some elements that are so powerful and so well executed that I'm honestly astonished it got made. These kinda peter out and become muddled over the years, but oh well, we'll always have season one <3
In brief, the 2000s messiness, in varying degrees of offensiveness to the world and to me personally:
The aforementioned plot lines that go nowhere <3
It's case-of-the-week, some cases are gonna suck! What can you do lol
The black best friend who doesn't ever really get any satisfying arcs or attention given to him as a character who contributes beyond letting our protagonist have dialogue with him rather than exclusively monologuing in voiceover
How they handle race in general ofc. Like while I think that in the actual plots of the show there are good intentions (and sometimes good material!) in depicting the racism of this insular hiarchical society, racism in the real world affects the writing by giving the characters of color very little to do, and over all they are taken less seriously by the narrative.
Veronica's rape plot line. I actually think this plot started out very strong! But the minute the show focuses directly on it the writing gets lost in the weeds of plot twists and rival love interests, and I really think the points they were originally trying to make get buried.
Deadbeat Mom ran off she's got a single dad raising her (i feel like the number of single dads in media is exponentially larger than the real number of single dads in life. it's propaganda. and its misogynistic. but I digress)
The stuff I personally hate:
The romances :) lol. lmao, even. (I would love to rant about this but I really think that's not something that deserves to be on what is currently a measured review of the show as a whole)
The stuff that's great:
The noir homage: It's just. It's so good. It's so fucking good. This is to noir detective stories what american vandal will be to true crime 20 years later. I want to give whoever first thought "hey, being an ostracized teen girl is kinda like being a hardboiled noir detective," a raise and a kiss MWAH <3 A+ for tone! Veronica lives on the edges of her society (high school), allowing her to see all of it's pieces and hypocrisy, turning her cynical and aloof. And she's a teenager who solves crimes :D She's funny and self aware of her role, but never in such a way that it feels like lampshading or winking at the audience. They take it seriously--they take HER seriously, and that makes the show work.
Lilly: The central case of the show, the murder of Veronica's best friend and Veronica's revenge-driven mission to find her killer, is where the first season gets its power. Veronica gets to have the noir detective plot line of being haunted by the death of a woman she loved and driven by revenge, and it is so much more powerful here than I've ever seen it in its original form. Lilly is a tragedy, she is an unflinching look at the sexual exploitation of teenage girls and the casualness with which violent men will turn that violence on them, she is a messy bratty bitch of a sixteen year old, and Veronica loves her. Lilly gets to be complicated because Veronica, who knew her and loves her, is telling us her story. There are a lot of people who are affected by Lilly's death, but this show is about Veronica, and her reaction to the murder of her friend is what matters to the writers and the viewers. Once again, the show takes Veronica (and her grief and her rage and her love) seriously, and there is a lot of power in that. I think the reason the later seasons struggle is because they simply can't stand up to the emotional intensity that made up the core of season one.
#here i am answering asks weeks late! MWAH babe thanks for asking me always <3#i know you're asleep lol but here are My Thoughts for when you wake up <3#if you are willing to sit through my Complaints About The Romance In Veronica Mars send me a dm or another ask or something haha#i love talking about it but i think it would be unfair to put in like an overall review of the show?#we are Serious Bloggers here we present unbiased opinions of television shows from the 2010s#just went and looked up when it actually aired and wow it was 2004. a lifetime ago! wild#veronica mars
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ten Fave Characters from Ten Fandoms
I started this post years ago and gave up halfway through, but I thought it would be interesting to revisit it. To see if my thoughts had changed since then, and to add in some new fandoms I've been into. The thing is, I've always struggled to pick my Single Favorite Character in any given media, because I am a total sucker for a good ensemble cast, and most of the time I'm more interested in the dynamics of the different relationships between characters than I am in the individual characters themselves. But you know, I do still have my blorbos, same as everyone else. So here are ten of them, from ten different fandoms, in no particular order (with a general warning that there will be spoilers):
1. Steven (Steven universe)
My son, my muffin, light of my life, best boy!! Honestly, how could I not put him first? Steven Universe is and always will be It™ for me, My Thing, and I could probably write essays for days (and in fact, I have) about the themes, characters, story arcs, design, music, everything to do with this fucking show. And while I love literally everyone in Beach City to bits, you know I gotta give a special shout out to our boy Steven. Watching him grow up over the years was a genuine delight, and the conclusion of his arc being a pretty obvious transgender acceptance allegory at the exact same time I was coming to accept my own trans identity was an extra special treat on top. It will never stop blowing my socks clean off just how revolutionary a character like Steven was at the time (and shamefully, continues to be), especially in media aimed at young kids. A boy hero whose strength and power comes from his empathy, from his kindness, from the women in his life. He is literally surrounded by a team of powerful alien warrior women, descended from the Princess of Alien Space Rock Royalty, and never once does the narrative even slightly question the fact that he idolizes the women in his life. Steven fights with a rose-colored shield and loves singing and laughing and his big sisters and love, and his whole arc was about learning how to take these feminine influences and come into his own power with them, to be the kind of hero he wanted to be. At the end of the day, no matter what else Steven was, he was above all himself. And he was loved for it, completely, unreservedly, without question. How fucking magical is that? (And thank god we finally got him some therapy, this poor lil muffin).
2. Donna Noble (Doctor Who)
Best companion 5ever, fite me. I love Donna for so many reasons, but most of all I love her relationship with Ten, which is easily one of my top five brotps of all time. She challenged him and snarked at him and dared him to be better, and he tried his hardest to do it, because he wanted to be worthy of her companionship. And they were just so good together!!! Ahhh!!!!! Donna Noble was introduced as a rather abrasive figure, loud and sarcastic without apology in a way female characters frequently aren’t allowed to be, especially in the dark times of the late 2000s. But she was also shown to be really deeply kind, overflowing with empathy for all of the people and creatures around her. And not only that, but she was quite literally the Most Important Woman in the Universe because of it. Your faves could simply never, I’m sorry. Ten + Donna will forever be my ultimate fav season, my fav companion, my favorite everything of Doctor Who forever and always. (Also David Tennant & Catherine Tate’s irl chemistry is the best, they are just so good whenever they’re together on screen.)
3. Iron Bull (Dragon Age Inquisition)
It is almost impossible for me to pick my favorite character from Dragon Age more than any other series because I really do love them all too much. I mean, Hawke, my disaster bisexual? Fenris, my moody little porcupine? Dorian? Sera? Leliana? VARRIC?!?! To me one of the defining features of Dragon Age are its excellent ensemble casts. The fascinating dynamics between all these messed up weirdos trying their best to save the world. But if I had to pick one guy, the one who definitely surprised me with how absolutely head-over-heels in love I fell with him, well then I have to give it up to the Big Man himself, our beloved Iron Bull. I remember when it was first announced we were getting a Qunari love interest, and not only was he a Big McLarge Huge Warrior Guy, he was pansexual. I was braced for a walking punchline, leering and making jokes and flirting with everyone in a really crass way (not that there’s anything wrong with that, just you know, it’s been done before). But what I got instead was a burnt-out professional liar with a determined love for softness, for pleasure. Bull is an incisively intelligent and brutally calculating man who is willing to turn his back on his country and everything he's ever known, to become an outcast, just to stick up for the people he loves the most. Dude's got layers. He loves dawnstone because it's pretty and pink, he totally gets off on fighting dragons, he calls Vivienne ma'am and plays mindchess with Solas in his spare time. And obviously, of course, him being a loving dom who gives you a place to be something other than the literal Herald of Andraste was just the icing and sprinkles on top of this already delicious slice of beefcake.
4. Izzy Hands (Our Flag Means Death)
Oh boy. Hoo boy. Okay. We're getting into it now. Sometimes you just see an absolute miserable little rat bastard of a man and go "yes, that one, that one's mine thank you." While I love Stede for Gender Reasons and I love Ed because he's literally perfect, and the tender sweetness of Jim + Olu melt my heart into a pool of butter, and everyone else in the cast is absolutely spectacular, down to the guest roles, there's just something about Izzy. It’s undeniable. We love a complicated character round these parts, naturally, but also, how could you not be obsessed with one so singularly pathetic and yearning and just absolutely begging to be stepped on as Izzy motherfucking Hands. Just. His whole deal?? Imagine being so fucking married to the fictionalized persona you helped create of the man you've decided to devote your entire life to. Imagine knowing that the crumbs of affection you accept from him are the most that you could ever hope to get, because you and he just aren't made for anything else, you are Hard Men and this is a Violent, Terrible world. Until, suddenly, in walks this fucking prissy little nonce with no skills and all of the privilege, who by all rights should have been shot dead the second he set foot in Nassau, and somehow this fucking idiot manages to utterly bewitch your husband god Captain?? Who, it turns out, actually did want all of that lovely sweet softness you told yourself was Forbidden, For Reasons, and he is actually perfectly capable of showing warmth and devotion and care for someone, just not You. No, instead you are fated to watch your Captain and This Fucking Idiot fall in love, right in front of your face, and the rest of his floating insane asylum treat you like you're the bad guy here. Like, bitch, I would probably want to stab someone about that too!! (And that's not even getting into the Toe Thing, which. Jesus Christ. The Toe Thing). Also, he has the privilege of being portrayed by Con O'Neil, who I have the most atrocious of crushes on, so really, how could I not pick him?
5. Flint (Black Sails)
Speaking of Messed Up Gay Pirates. I know we can all relate to someone being so fundamentally angry about homophobia that he decides to declare war on all of Britain about it, right? No, but for real, James Flint McGraw’s entire arc, from earnest do-good Homosexual with politically radical beliefs to vengeful ginger murder-pirate to tired old man who gets to retire to a lifetime of gentle lovemaking with his recently-unburied Husband was something I never expected, but was utterly delighted by nonetheless. There is just so much seething rage burning under the surface of this man, that constant war between his tenderness, his capacity for love and care that was so cruelly ripped from him by such a corrupt system, and then his yearning for violence and vengeance. And, on top of that, the ways he relates to the women of the show; his entire co-dependant Thing with Miranda, which is so queer it’s almost beyond definition in the best way, and his Tired Gay Dad routine with Eleanor, and to a lesser extent, Madi. Plus, he’s damaged and hot and so so sad about it, and he looks so criminally good covered in blood it should actually be a crime. To this day the entirety of the “in the dark there is discovery” monologue fully lives rent free in my head, not to mention “my truest love, know no shame.” Ultimate blorbo status for sure.
6. Joan Watson (Elementary)
Confession time: I was definitely one of those people who was initially dubious and upset that they were doing yet another modern Sherlock Holmes adaptation, and not only that, but they were making Watson a woman! “Oh this is obviously an egregious No Homo attempt, fuck this show,” I thought, and I was fully prepared to write off the whole enterprise. But then I found out they had cast Lucy Liu as Watson and I was conflicted because, seriously, Lucy Liu, how could you not totally love her? I decided to give the first episode a shot and was delighted to discover that Miss Joan totally captured my heart from the literal moment she appeared on screen. I’ve never been the biggest fan of the original Holmes stories so take all my opinions with a grain of salt here, but I love that Joan is played as Watson who is an actual equal to Sherlock. Their dynamic is an honest-to-god partnership, instead of the tired trope of the Brilliant Amazing Perfect Special Genius Boy and the long-suffering idiot who puts up with him. You can really see what Sherlock sees in Joan, all the things he values in her: her strength and quiet brilliance, her inquisitiveness and determination, and how she utterly refuses to put up with his bullshit from like, day one. This is a Watson with healthy boundaries, y’all. She’s just such a wonderful character in her own right. She’s more than Sherlock’s blogger, she has a life and dreams and goals of her own, and the show respects that. And not only that, but there is not even a hint of any tired romance tropes between the two of them. Their quiet queerplatonic domestic partnership evolves in such a really lovely way across the series, it is one of the core dynamics of the show, and it’s so good. And each episode is an excuse to look at Lucy Liu in gorgeous outfits for an hour at a time, which I will happily take where I can find it. Good show. Criminally underrated.
7. Aziraphale (Good Omens)
Alright, I’ve got another shameful confession for you. I’ve never actually managed to finish reading Good Omens. I know I know, nail me to the cross. There was just something about the writing style that I could never fully get into, but I got far enough to know that Crowley and Aziraphale were totes in love 5ever, and even though I wouldn’t have understood why at the time, I really Related to Aziraphale for Some Mysterious Reason. Smash cut to 2019 and the first season of the TV version premiers and I’m watching Michael Sheen do all That as Aziraphale and a lightbulb pops on over my head and I just go oh. Gender!! There’s a tumblr post I love that talks about how Aziraphale is soft and effeminate and good, and that is such an important part of his character. He on-purpose cultivates a deliberately gay image because he relates to gay culture, because he identifies with being a maligned outcast to society the same way homosexuals were for most of the time he’s been on Earth. Our Angel loves food and pleasure and soft warm things, and that never stops him from being a hero. In fact, it is because of his hedonism and softness that he defies Heaven and Hell to literally save the day. To quote from that post directly, “He’s soft and queer and vain and he loves food and these are good qualities! These things are his and he wears them openly and defiantly and they make him strong in a way heaven doesn’t comprehend!” God, just, *slaps Aziraphale’s belly* this bad boy can hold so much gender. I love him endlessly.
8. GLaDOS (Portal 2)
So rarely in media are women allowed to be unhinged murderous lunatics, but GLaDOS carries that heavy burden on her beautiful robot shoulders admirably. I think sometimes the fanon characterization of her focuses a little too heavily on either the tragedy of her, of Caroline being forced into this body against her will, or on the whole Evil Dommy Mommy Step on Me Cold Calculating Badass thing, which is unfortunate, because GlaDOS is also completely fucking bonkers in the best way. Not a goddamn hinge anywhere to be found on this bitch, and that’s what makes her so special. She’s silly! And weird! Her toxic yuri mother-daughter Thing with Chell is endlessly compelling, and every line out of her mouth is an ice-cold banger. Also, she gets the special honor of being one of the few characters I’ve cosplayed as, and she is certainly one of the funnest to portray. To this day I still have the entirety of her wake-up speech from Portal 2 memorized. “Okay look. We both said a lot of things you’re going to regret. But I believe we can put our differences behind us. For science. You monster.” She’s incredible.
9. Yuna (FFX, FFX-2)
My first blorbo! Yuna Finalfantasy will always have a special place in my heart, for reasons I’m not sure I can properly articulate. FFX is one of The Games of All Time for me, I literally used to listen to the soundtrack as a lullaby, and to this day my dad and I can quote the dialogue along with the cutscenes. And Yuna’s arc just absolutely destroys me if I think too hard about it. She is just so good, she is quiet and gentle and sweet and absolutely drowning under the crushing enormity of her legacy, her mission, the fate of the goddamn literal world. And then she meets her match in the Manic Pixie Dream (Heh) Boy who gets her to open up and live a little, who makes her laugh and smile, and she really values him for it, for the discovery and possibility he represents for her. And then, the ultimate tragedy of him being the one to sacrifice for her, that she may live? Ugh!! It’s raining. On my face. To this day the scene of her Sending after Kilika just guts me, and the way she grows and changes and comes into her own over the course of FFX-2 breaks me down to my atoms. Best girl, no question.
10. Astarion (Baldur’s Gate 3)
Alright. Okay. Yes. I know. I’m going to try and make this entry not just a rehash of my last post about Astarion or unhinged gay screaming for 500 words but like. Come on. Look at him. I never played Baldur’s Gate during early access, but when I found out that one of your potential love interests was a queer pretty-boy vampire with a Tragic Backstory involving a twisted Master/slave dynamic I was...intrigued, to say the least. What I did not expect was all of the depth and complexity that went into writing him and portraying him. It helps that Neil Newbon has an absolutely delicious voice, yes, but there is so much more there besides the surface level of him. In fact, that is the entire point of his arc! Seeing beyond the very pretty seductive mask he presents to the world, to the gaping wounds and barely-concealed traumas and fear and insecurities behind it, and choosing to love him for it anyway. And by loving him, the real him, you make space for him to find himself, to rescue himself. A man who has spent 200 years buried under ground surviving horrific abuse and becoming cruel and petty to cope, finding the strength within himself to heal, to choose to live and to love, honestly. That is so fucking powerful, I will literally never get over it.
#shut up chocolate#my stuff#favorite characters#blorbo posting#steven universe#doctor who#dragon age#ofmd#black sails#elementary#good omens#portal#ffx#baldur's gate 3
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
sorry if I'm bothering you but I FINALLY FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO PREFERS FTF BUT PURELY BECAUSE OF OUR LOVE FOR WILLOW (we're the only ones right about her) like yeah, it's DEFINITELY not a perfect episode but IT'S ABOUT THE CHARACTERS. and I LOVE TTT TOO BECAUSE OF LUZ but tbh I didn't like being in the fandom when TTT came out because THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF ABOUT HUNTER, TO THE POINT WHERE PEOPLE THOUGHT HE SHOULD BE THE MC AND NOT LUZ??? I love my boy but I felt overwhelmed at all of this so him not getting too much in FTF was fine for me :)
Firstly, I'd like to say YES!! FOR THE FUTURE SOLOS!!! LITERALLY SOME OF THE BEST CHARACTER WORK, ART DIRECTION, SOUNDTRACK, BOARDING, HUMOUR AND HORROR IN THE WHOLE SHOW!!!
Secondly I'd like to say that this is SUCH a can of worms that I've held back on talking about for A While™. Tbh it kinda feels like u read my mind I was literally thinking about this this morning.
(BIG ASS RAMBLE UNDER THE CUT. I AM NOT JOKING THIS POST IS SO LONG IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY)
Both episodes are really fucking good, both on their own merit and when you take into account the circumstances under which they were made. I do not want to labour this point. I hate pitting two bad bitches against each other.
I AM however interested in investigating why, when two episodes are of similar quality, but with different priorities and focuses and (for lack of a better word) Vibe™ does the fandom demonstrably prefer one over the other?
Thanks to Them is BIG on plot. It's big on "establish what the kids have been doing, introduce Lore and Mystery, do the possession, fight the bad guy, get back to the demon realm, bada bing bada boom!!". I don't think it's nearly as relentlessly paced as some people think, and I think there are definitely emotional moments to be gleaned out of characters who AREN'T Luz, Hunter or Camilla- but overall it's similar to the most plot focused episodes of season 2. Your knock knock knocking on hootys doors and your hollow minds.
But for the future is a lot more concerned with character. Everyone gets some small moment to shine, though you're correct in saying that the focus is mostly on Luz, Willow and then probably the collector. But Camilla, Gus, Amity, Hunter, King, Eda and Lilith all get more emotional depth in a few lines than like. Willow did in half of thanks to them. even Belos gets more screentime this ep than he did in thanks to them, screentime that's much more illuminating (do love the moments he had in thanks to them but they weren't huge character moments really, just him villain-ing it up).
Less plot stuff happens, if you count the main goal as "get into the titans skull" then that's only introduced about a quarter of the way through the episode, whereas "get back to the human realm" is established as the goal of thanks to them in like. Negative screentime lmao. You basically know it's the goal coming in because you've watched king's tide already. For the future isn't like this!
And I GET IT MAN! checking in on the YouTube progress bar at the 3/4 of the way through elicited pure fear in me! But I feel like the fandoms fear of plots going unresolved and questions going unanswered has created this. Like. Attitude that the episodes need to be completely spartan or they're wasting time.
Like, with bringing back Boscha and Kikimora. Some people consider that a waste of time because they weren't Big Bads in seasons prior, meaning they should be low priority and don't belong here. And ppl are entitled to feel that way!
But I don't think you can call them wasted! Or irrelevant! I think the writers put a lot of work into making their storyline fit with the themes of the show! I have an essay I may never finish in drafts about this but- one of the most popular aspects of seasons 1 and 2 was the whole corrupt government storyline, which reached it's climax in king's tide but still had no resolution, same way hexside had no resolution from what happened after labyrinth runners. The writers combined these storylines by showing how hexside wasn't going to become a mini dictatorship like the isles old system (hence the title of the episode, changing things for the better "for the future"). That's efficient storytelling! Combining two plots into one in order to resolve both at the same time!
But people don't take this as an example of efficiency because it's not Lore or Plot based. And I think that's a real shame.
Both episodes have pacing and balance issues but I don't think one is especially egregious compared to the other? Nor do they have more pacing and balance issues than say, Clouds on the Horizon, which I'd say is one of MY least favouritely paced episodes of the show. Maybe thanks to them just had more novelty factor because of the setting (not to mention it probably benefitted from having one less subplot to juggle, but eh)
And about the fandom response after each episode....yeah. yeah.
I love Hunter. He's my baby. My scrimblo bimblo. He is like my twin brother. Literally. For reasons I cannot begin to explain here, hunter the owl house is like my twin brother.
And in all fairness to the fandom, plenty of people are normal about him. I know this because I've curated my experience to entirely be the people who are normal about him.
But the people who are not normal about him...my god.
Tbh I think this issue of focus actually lands on why I prefer for the future to thanks to them (THOUGH AGAIN. THEY BOTH SLAY)
The ending of thanks to them was so abrupt and emotionally charged that it felt like a betrayal, almost. The show went so hard and so fast that afterwards there was no breathing room and I didn't fully trust the show to be able to pull back afterwards. I thought either Hunter is going to eat up more and more screentime next episode by having to deal with the implications of every that happened five minutes from the episodes end, or they are literally never going to touch on him again. The ending of thanks to them was SO MUCH in so little time that I literally could not fathom a middle road.
Whereas the ending of for the future was a lot more. Aha, eureka! Moment to me. Like "OHH so that's what we're dealing with next episode!!! Nice". There was excitement and yeah, fear that things wouldn't land, but overall there was more trust in me. And of course, they did find a lovely medium between it being the Hunter show and addressing his trauma adequately. His arc was very emotional and satisfying this ep, without the borderline hard-to-enjoy turmoil that the ending of thanks to them put me through lol.
But I think, to some people, the sheer angst of thanks to thems ending was more emotionally rewarding than the well paced stability and slight ominousness of for the future. They felt that episodes end was too "mid". Too soft. The end of the show needs to go all out all the time, so this episode that focused more on emotional arcs and early season callbacks and payoffs is weak.
And to be honest, maybe my analysis here isn't as in-depth or as in-touch with fandom complaints as it could be! I've generally avoided the people harshly criticizing for the future because I like it when fandom is fun. I don't like watching one of my favorite episodes to date get dunked on. But that in and of itself (combined with the leak situation) has led to an inability to really Go All Out with fandom engagement rn. It's a struggle!
I've seen people describe for the future as en episode where Everything happened, and yet nothing happened. I get why! I personally prefer it to thanks to them because I feel like too much happened during that episodes climax to the point where it didn't even feel like the episode had true resolution.
But also, I get that for a lot of people, it's not even about construction. It's just about expectation and preference. People weren't expecting hexside, and when they got it, they got upset. People weren't expecting Willow, and when they got it, they didn't like it. And I get that. Really I do.
But this show is so fuckin wild. It does so much and throws so many curve balls at you. Never the big twists either, always the shit u don't expect. And it's great. I've honestly grown really fond of the way this show pokes me in the ass with something I didn't really expect or consider.
Not everybody is though and like. That's fine. But I do wish sometimes people would just. Kinda. Let it go when something goes in a direction they didn't expect. Because I didn't expect the direction FTF went in at all and I loved it once I stopped to think about it. But that's just me.
I think this is only like. 25% a direct response to things you said in the ask, so to conclude by answering/engaging with your ask point by point:
Willow stans and For the Future stans unite. This is our nation. Also shout-out to the fellow willow understanders I am mutuals with/follow you guys were really keeping us going in the pre for the future times
It's not a perfect episode but circumstances considering, it never could've been, and I'm okay with most of the ways it falls short. I'm also fully willing to hold out and see whether or not watching and dreaming rectifies any of my complaints, considering several of the issues I took with thanks to them were solved this ep, lol
Luz and Camilla literally stole the show in thanks to them and while I understand that the ending of that ep was very hunter centric, hence the hunter centric fandom atmosphere afterwards, I do prefer the environment in fandom rn that's appreciating this mother daughter duo rn
Hunter is not a main character imo. Not because he couldn't be but because his story is rendered infinitely more interesting when he is a supporting character. It's one thing to tell us that Hunter lives for other people and is made to forever be a second- best underling. It's another thing to show us this with his narrative role as the ultimate foil. He Is Better Off This Way. Also this point is dumb but I fully believe Hunter would be miserable as a main character. He does not want this
Also Luz is genuinely one of my favorite main characters in television. Maybe ever. If I start talking about her we'll be here all day. Just look at literally anything sepublic has written about her it's all on point
For the future had the perfect amount of Hunter content tbh. No episode should have more or less. I'm banging my gavel like a judge decreeing this to be so
#ramblings of a lunatic#asks#toh#that is literally the only thing i will tag this with it's a barely coherent nightmare behemoth and i do not need it in tags#anyway. I'm still holding out that these specials are gonna fundamentally work better together than as separate eps#i got the feeling when thanks to theme ending was off and i felt the same when the subplots of ftf went unresolved#it's not for now. each episode is just about cleaning up problems from the previous ep and exploring how its impacted our guys-#-before establishing a new short term goal and then achieving it via emotional trials and tribulations#it makes the months between eps agonizing but also. I would not be able to handle these guys being just s few weeks apart#it simply would not have computed in my brain#ANYWAY. here's a whole lotta nothing! hope any of it's understandable#no art tonight but i am gonna chip away at the darius/camila ask#that one should be close to wrapping up we're like..a bit more than halfway through it#hope it's more understandable than whatever i went off on here!
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
I realise that was an old post but. Please tell us about dave lalonde and rose strider. The People Need To Know
Sorry that I'M getting to this late but yeah, I don't mind buddy. I'll toss it under a cut though, I dunno how long this will get because originally this "essay" was a 1 A.M. rant I sent to a friend (hello to you if you're reading this buddy) but I'm going to try and make it actually coherent and normal for you. Because it was a bit of an insane ramble I kept getting distracted on.
So. Guardianswap Dave Lalonde:
Eccentric, as all Lalondes are. Probably finds himself drawn particularly to odd art and paintings, and despises Mom's statues as Rose does
Reads more than he interacts with others/is slightly shut off and often doesn't respond because of this. He tries not to seem cold when he does get back to his friends, though
Drinks tea often, writes odd stories and often muses about changing the world in some way, yet isn't ever really sure how he could really impact things so they stay as musings
Translates anger into visual mediums like painting but it never really goes away, frustrated at almost everything and everyone but has gotten very good at concealing it unless poked and prodded too much. Compares himself too often to the artists he has paintings of/is inspired by/etc.
This anger at the world and everyone mainly stems from his issues with Mom Lalonde and her neglect, and this leads into being a Rage player instead of taking up Light or staying Time. I've never once payed attention to the "gender locking" of certain classes (its weird as fuck to me) so yeah, I think he'd be a Witch of Rage. He craves control/command/whatever word you prefer for Witches over just something so much and it's shown in that. Fight me on that or whatever.
His chumhandle becomes [aC]: airbrushedCholeric (referencing a painting method and being bad tempered/irritable).
And on the other side, Guardianswap Rose Strider:
Has an interest in entomology, (that I would say is bordering on obsession but she's just autistic). Especially involving raising bugs and pinning them after death and learning about them and their behaviours, and framing them.
Still plays violin and is scarily good at it. It's one of those things she just threw herself into so hard it's unnerving to Bro. She makes it like, her life mission at a certain age
Knife collection instead of the whole sword thing. I don't have much reasoning for this other than I feel it in my soul
Not phased by the puppets, she mostly thinks they're stupid now and has used this against Bro more than once to terrify him.
Probably has thought about eating a person
I established that I think she would be a Time player instead of keeping Light, despite Dave Lalonde becoming a Rage player, but I do think she would keep the Seer class. So, Seer of Time.
Her chumhandle becomes [tC]: trackingCoronatus, referencing an Orchid Mantis, (Hymenopus Coronatus) and, obviously, tracking someone down/stalking.
And uhhh I'm pretty sure that's it. Questions/comments/concerns are welcome, come scream at me for all I care, my inbox stays fresh and open a sexy 24 hours 7 days a week. Here's a pic of my cat for the road, stay frosty duderino
#fuck how the hell do i tag this uh#homestuck#rose lalonde#dave strider#guardianswap#guardian swap#???? girl#i dont think i should tag the guardians since its not really about them but i wilm anyways. suck it#bro strider#mom lalonde#homestuck dave#homestuck rose
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
Omg excitring times. David/Matteo and Kieu My/Fatou obvs!!
i reblogged this ask meme as a poorly veiled excuse to write essays about fictional relationships so thank u for indulging me <333
[i am so irritating so i'm adding in a cut sorry in advance for how word vomity i get over characters who aren't real ksdjfnsdkfnsd]
For context: send me a ship and I will say if I ship it or don't ship it and answer some questions about it etc. etc.
David/Matteo - ship it
[do I ship davenzi or did following this story irreversibly change the course of my life? who can say]
1. What made you ship it?
This is kind of an interesting question because I feel like due to the fact that I was extremely attached to evak and og skam s3 back in the early times of the skamverse heyday I was kind of unfairly predisposed to enjoy most evak variations (i mean i did watch skamfr s3 and enjoyed most of it up until the last few episodes if that says anything about that lol), that said davenzi feel distinctly different to me from evak, for many reasons despite sharing similar story beats. like Matteo was... idk such a lonely version of Isak?? So much more detached from his surroundings and sort of just floating through life (how he basically stumbled into the relationship with Sara is an example that comes to mind), so much more obviously yearning not to be.
and i think a big part of what drew me to these two at the beginning is i think they did such a good job of setting a different tone in a way that fits these characters and their story so well. i feel like david had a similar sort of loneliness to Matteo, in a very guarded sort of way, and i think that's part of what drew them to each other - when they meet eyes in the absolutely iconic heaven by blaze scene (will never fucking forget when that clip dropped btw. it was like 4 or 5 in the morning or whatever my time and the confirmation that beanie boy was ger!Even was fucking euphoric and we didn't even know beanie boy's NAME and i've never experienced a rush like watching that shit drop in real time i swear) i feel like there's this sense of recognition, almost like kindred spirits or something?? like here is a person who might intrinsically understand who i am and what i'm going through and i don't even have to say a thing (like Matteo's line in ep 7 to Sara, i think deep down this is the heart of what he's been wanting this whole time)
i loved also that because matteo was a lot more detached in some ways his story was more about him reclaiming agency in his own life and actually reaching for the things he wanted, and in that sense David challenged and pushed him in the way he needed (and vice versa for David in terms of letting himself actually be vulnerable around someone). That first conversation, the very guarded push and pull, david's challenge to matteo's "i thought you could make a wish" with "it's just an eyelash" and then crucially asking him what he would wish for anyway, and then finally at the end when matteo pulls a smile out of him and it's so amazing partly because it feels so earned - yeah i was gone from the start sdkjfsdnkfjsdf
2. What are your favorite things about the ship?
WOW WHERE TO EVEN BEGIN. like legitimately this is so hard to answer ksdjfnksdjfnds but i guess one thing that comes to mind is how well-balanced they are in terms of their personal character arcs and how they help each other grow, like i said i think that manifests in David pushing Matteo to actively fight for what he wants and Matteo helping David to be vulnerable by being so open and trusting himself and i just think that's good writing yo! i love also that they're both such fucking gremlins but in such different ways, we love couples that love to have fun with (and at lol) each other! also not to be that bitch but i love that it's a love story centering a trans character and we got to see that character experience love and joy and self-acceptance so completely. it might be silly but i'm not joking when i said seeing that happen for David who is such a well-realized character in his own right helped me tremendously in finding comfort in my own identity.
3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?
God hell if i know what counts as a popular or an unpopular opinion for anything at any given time but i guess what i will say is that i remember when dr s3 was dropping i got, like, unreasonably annoyed at people who were like "oh so matteo is Even and david is Isak actually!" i mean looking back now i can't blame them because the parallels are there, they are literally an adaptation of this story and of course people are going to try to find connections where they can, but aside from the fact that matteo and david are pretty different characters from Even and Isak at the time it sort of felt like it was, like, playing down david's agency in the story? or reducing even and isak's own roles in their story to the active versus the passive one?? idk if that makes sense skdjfhnsdkjfs i just think it's kind of reductive to say the story was a role reversal just because Matteo was more assertive than Isak in some places but maybe i'm just being sensitive ksdjfhnsdjkfsdjk
on a lighter note again idk if this is an unpopular opinion, this is really just my own personal headcanon honestly but in my mind davenzi are one of two relationships in the entire skamverse i can see lasting after high school (the other one is Amira/Mohammed, what can i say i'm a druck stan through and through), like with most other couples i'm invested in i can see them being more on and off or like breaking up and getting back together a few years down the line or even just like splitting amicably and remembering the times they had together with deep fondness (idk how obvious it is but i'm not a huge believer in the longevity of high school relationships as much as I love my skamverse ships), with davenzi though idk i'd put bets on them being the real deal babey call me biased but i won't apologize for it
Kieu My/Fatou - ship it [it feels silly to even type this like of course i ship Kieu My and Fatou, I have eyes and breath in my lungs, who do you think i am]
1. What made you ship it?
actual physical proof i have been clowning since week 1:
lol but in all seriousness in season 5 i thought there was totally potential there as one of the relatively rare instances in the skamverse that a relationship has had significant development across multiple seasons (i don't count most noorhells in my brain sue me) and some already pretty compelling themes established about authenticity and such with the huge caveat that their story had to show Kieu My as a real and flawed person versus the idealized version Fatou had of her (which it did!!! and it gave me rights!!!!) but i think i was pretty cautious up until the first clip of season 6 when Kieu My and Fatou walk home and they talk about axolotls and Kieu My rides Fatou's skateboard and tripped and fell and theiR HANDS CAUGHT like they hadn't talked much objectively speaking but from the moment i knew they Had Hands i was fully 100% on board ride or die until the end (i'm sorry that i'm gay but there's nothing i can do about it)
another part of the season that i can pinpoint as a real turning point for me was the end of episode 5 - particularly Fatou telling Kieu My that she's good. Like i think up until then i was still kind of like "hmmm it depends on where they go from here" esp after the end of ep 4 but like getting more of Kieu My's side of things, seeing the way these two characters both put so much pressure on themselves (and how those aspects of their character arcs push and pull with each other), Kieu My's earnest attempts to connect with Fatou in such stark contrast to her Ice Queen persona, Fatou's attempts to shut her out before realizing she just didn't want to do that and running after her to kiss her on her doorstep, man. that shit Hit u know.
2. What are your favorite things about the ship?
I hate this question ksdjfnsdjkfnsdkjfs it'S SO HARD but here are some things that come to mind:
I have mentioned this before but i think the character work of this season is SO good and imo a big part of that is the way that their insecurities push and pull against each other and how that sort of pushes them into confronting those insecurities. like the conflict that comes from Kieu My's struggles to be vulnerable because of her past experiences of being abandoned when people saw her beyond her party girl ice queen persona versus Fatou's fears and insecurities surrounding being stupid and therefore not good enough? Chef's kiss! Ten out of ten! We love to see them accept themselves by accepting each other!
there's this line at the end of ep 10 where Kieu My says "I think if you were like me we would still be alone swimming around somewhere in the universe" and almost a full year later this line still makes me feel INSANE like this is it! this is their entire relationship stripped down to its bare essentials! like genuinely this one line makes me feel so many things i have to list it as its own thing i simply must
I love love love that their story was given the focus and attention of a full season, i love that they were afforded so much time and care and attention, i love that they got so many moments to just be with each other and that those moments were portrayed with such intimacy and tenderness, i love that they got care and attention and development BEFORE their season and even after their season, i love that two queer girls of color got this but also their story was about SO MUCH MORE than their identities, it just means the fucking world to me okay idk how else to say it
On a sillier note: i love that Kieu My's peace offering at the end of ep 5 was to bring Fatou banh xeo because her mom is a "really good cook". having just come back from the holidays with my parents wherein they asked me what i wanted to eat and the first thing i said was "mom's banh xeo", Kieu My you are SO FUCKING VALID. but also food as their love language as like a general thing is really really good, i'm a huge fan
3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?
Man idk what's popular and what's not??? At the time that the season was airing i felt like the season was judged pretty harshly [and somewhat unfairly so in some cases imo], when despite its problems i feel that there is also so much good it brings to the table that deserves to be acknowledged, but idk what the general consensus about the season is anymore so who can say. also i'm not super into the idea of jealousy with these two but i don't think that's like specific to kieutou i'm just not a big fan of jealousy as a source of romantic tension in general
#answers#inmyarmswrappedin#no one asked me to be this fucking extra on main but it happened anyway oh well#druck meta#look this tag is appropriate okay#somewhere in this incoherent mess there is something that resembles analysis i promise#story meta
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Let's Analyze - Alec in CoFA
So, I’ve been seeing plenty of discourse on two of my mutual’s blogs about this topic… so I thought I’d sit down and write another analysis post about my beloved Alec Lightwood cause people are still giving him shit for a book that came out ten years ago 🤦♀️
This is gonna be in two parts, and I'm putting both under the cut:
PART 1 - ALEC’S INSECURITIES
So, the first part - how Alec’s insecurities drove him to saying stupid things in CoFA
A quick disclaimer - I’m NOT blaming Alec alone for his and Magnus’s break up. What happened was pretty complicated, and the blame cannot be put on one person alone.
That said, let’s start with Magnus and Alec’s early ‘official’ relationship, in trsom.
These scenes are taken from only the first part of the book, but I’m pretty sure they’re more than enough to get a sense of Alec’s insecurities and all the chinks in their relationship. Throughout the entirety of trsom, we see more bits and pieces of Alec’s insecurities about Magnus’s sexuality, and his past and all the people he might have known - and that’s okay! Insecurities happen, cause brains are stupid like that.
But all of Alec’s insecurities could’ve been laid to rest with a simple conversation. But the conversation never happens. Magnus tends to deflect and change the topic every single time his past is brought up. I understand Magnus’s reasons for hiding his past, of course, but it doesn’t help his relationship with Alec. Magnus hiding a good chunk of his past will inevitably lead to Alec questioning himself - why is he so secretive? Why is he not telling me anything? Does he not trust me? ...and so on.
And when Alec is already feeling insecure in this relationship, this happens - (sorry about the terrible cropping btw)
And then later, while Magnus is talking to Camille,
Now… when people are insecure about something, they get irked at the smallest of things. I’m saying this as an insecure person myself. So now, you've got Alec, who's insecure as fuck, and his vacation with the person he loves got cut short by his ex who refuses to talk to anyone but him, and when they get there, his lover and his lover's ex seem to have obvious chemistry, he gets hit with the reality that his lover has dated several, probably even hundreds of people before him; and he has to leave them alone in a room so they can talk, and then he hears the ex basically just list all his shortcomings - i.e, his mortality, his appearance is compared to some random dead guy (sorry, Will) whom your lover had a crush on, which is just weird, and when you've had enough and open the door, it's to see your lover and his ex, standing close as fuck, and he's! touching! her! face! and! looking! into! her! eyes!
*takes a sip of water* yeahhhh... Alec was straight up having a bad day.
And at this point, a) Alec is still in his first relationship. He didn't get to navigate romance when he was younger, and while there's nothing wrong with that, there weren't exactly cutesy presentations titled 'how to keep your relationships healthy' floating around the internet. Heck, he didn’t know the internet. He didn't know that he had to communicate with Magnus, and it doesn't help that boy avoids conversations about feelings like the plague. And b) at this point, Alec would be facing several negative emotions - insecurity, obviously. Hurt. Helplessness, because of his mortality. Fear, that he might not live up to Magnus’s past lovers. Jealousy at seeing Magnus and Camille so close.
Negative emotions like these often tend to show up as anger or sorrow... and in Alec’s case, that would be anger. Which leads us to THIS- (🙈)
*sighs in second-hand embarrassment*
*drinks more water*
*this is gonna be so hard aksjakak*
So. Alec dealt with his insecurities... by being a mean, mean bitch to Magnus :/
Let's break this scene down, slowly, bit by bit.
First, Alec cuts into a conversation between Magnus and Jordan, when Magnus mentions Woolsey Scott, followed the rest of that particular page. To Alec, he's just a figure from Magnus’s past, and a possible lover, though in Alec’s defense Woolsey Scott WAS Magnus’s lover. This is the first instance that we see in which Alec lashes out at Magnus. It seems like he's trying to make a point to Magnus - "I don't know anything about your past, and so I don't know who you've had romances with, but I want to know." Except he makes his point in the worst way possible and ends up slutshaming Magnus.
The "What's true?" line, in response to Jordan saying "so it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" is pretty obvious. Alec is clearly not liking the idea that this random werewolf might know about warlocks, and in particular, his Warlock boyfriend.
Next... ooh boy... Alec basically snaps and in the next few paragraphs accuses Magnus of wanting to flirt with others which... is not a good look on ya honey 😕. These lines are the ones that get him accused of being biphobic... but is he really? I'm gonna talk about that in part 2.
So, in the first paragraph, where Alec makes the comments about Jordan, I find his choice of words pretty... interesting, seeing as 'messy-haired', 'broad-shouldered' and 'chiseled-good-looks' are all used to describe Alec in the series. Not sure if its relevant, but definitely interesting.
And in the next one, where Alec says, "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" The 'apparently' makes me curious. In rsom, Alec mentions that he's only recently heard of the term bisexual, and there's plenty of time between rsom and cofa, so Alec should be absolutely sure of atleast the basic meaning of bisexuality. But I'm pretty sure it's just inconsistency on cc's part, since if rsom didn't exist, this book would be the first time Alec learns about Magnus’s bisexuality. (Which is obvious when you look at the scene after Magnus reveals that Camille is his girlfriend.) And as for the second sentence, I feel like it's a fallback to earlier in the book when Magnus says (I'm just gonna write the dialogue from memory), "I've dated men, women, warlocks, faeries, vampires, werewolves and even a djinn or two." Here, Alec is angry, and he takes the knowledge that Magnus has dated a variety of people and once again, lashes out.
Looking at all of it together, Alec’s insecurities are definitely a factor in all of this. We know Alec has pretty low self esteem in tmi, and he keeps having irrational thoughts about someone else grabbing Magnus’s attention, like in the trsom scene I've posted above. And he ends up taking out his insecurities on Magnus.
Was it wrong of Alec to say all those things to Magnus? Yes, absolutely. But looking back through all his scenes in cofa, it's easy to see how he could've fallen into the pit trap of emotions.
And before anyone says "but it wasn't addressed in the later books", it was, in CoLS. I’ve hit the image limit, so I'm just gonna type it out -
"[Magnus] said it would be better if he didn’t come. Apparently him and the Seelie Queen have some kind of history."
Isabelle raised her eyebrows.
"Not that kind of history," Alec said irritably. "Some kind of feud. Though," he added, half under his breath, "the way he got around before me, I wouldn't be surprised."
"Alec!" Isabelle dropped back to talk to her brother....
So, there. Alec makes yet another slutshaming comment, Isabelle overhears and is clearly not happy about it, and it's clearly implied that she talks to Alec about it. And Alec doesn't make any more slutshaming comments since then. Boy now knows what he did was wrong, and makes sure not to repeat it again.
Although, I do wish we had more than this. I wish we had more of Magnus and Alec talking about this argument, heck, even about all their arguments and the reasons they broke up, but you can't get everything you want, apparently :(
And now onto the next part...
PART 2 - IS ALEC BIPHOBIC?
The short answer, uh, no, not really.
The long answer.... would be complicated.
So, back in the day, when this discourse was at an all time high, I remember reading a bisexual person's essay about this topic, and they said that this comment from Alec - "or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways. Is there anything you aren't into?" - would be a biphobic microagression.
According to Google, a microagression is "a statement, action, or incident regarded as an instance of indirect, subtle, or unintentional discrimination against members of a marginalized group such as a racial or ethnic minority".
And in Alec's case, IF his words were biphobic, they were completely unintentional. They were microagressive. Which is... still bad, of course, but it's more complicated than that.
If you look back on Alec's supposedly biphobic statements, they're more about Magnus’s hypersexuality and promiscuity than anything else. Yes, even the line i mentioned like two paragraphs ago. At first glance it may seem like a direct attack on Magnus’s sexuality, but think over the explanation I gave for the line and it will make sense. And a lot of people know that the whole 'bi people fuck around a lot and are cheaters' thing is a stereotype.
Now, it may seem like I'm going off topic here, but bear with me. I couple of days ago, I watched this video by chance. (Tw for the aids crisis and lots of biphobia, not from the narrator, if you wanna watch the video). Basically, back in the 1980s, bisexual men were scapegoated for spreading aids to the straight community and were vilified by popular media as being promiscuous scepters who would cheat on their wives with gay men and then give aids to their wives. (Yikes 😬). And since bisexuality was practically unheard of before all this (several bisexual activists have stated that all this shit, though unfortunate, pulled bisexuality out of the closet), it's safe to assume that this is how those stereotypes came to be - through 1980s propaganda.
But living with this propaganda is... a very limiting experience. The people who leaned and unlearned and fought against this propaganda are mostly US Americans who grew up with it, either the actual propaganda itself or passed down by their parents. But like I said, it's a very limiting experience. US is but one country out of many, and even for those living in the USA there's a chance that they grew up in a very hush-hush environment. People who grew up hearing all these stereotypes will see it as biphobia, while people who didn't - like Alec, and me, and several other people will not. A lot of people grow up with absolutely no knowledge of the queer community, and chances are that they'll be incredibly confused when a stereotype is pointed out to them, and they often get no more explanation than 'this is a harmful stereotype'. Queer experiences aren't the same for everyone, and while I respect the people who see this as biphobia, they should recognize that there are many people who won't see it that way.
I have seen bisexual people say that Alec's words were biphobic, and I've also seen bisexual people say that they weren't. Thus, there is no clear consensus about whether or not Alec was being biphobic. And like I said earlier, Alec grew up far, far away from mundane anti-queer bigotry. He was essentially a clean slate when it came to knowledge of eer microagressions of any kind, because microagressions and stereotypes are often incredibly specific, don't have anything to do with a person's race/sexuality/gender, etc. and will make zero sense unless you know the history behind them. To Magnus, who lived through the anti-bisexual scapegoating, the words would've definitely stung, but Alec didn't even know the implications he would be making with this words! Of course, the impact is greater than intention, and I imagine Magnus would sit Alec down one day and talk about all this history with him.
And idk if I can even blame cc cause the history of bisexual men is RARELY ever talked about, atleast on the internet.
Also, this scene in cofa is the only instance where he can be interpreted to be biphobic. Nowhere else in all of tmi, and even tec, do we see Alec express hatred or disgust or microagression towards bisexual people. If this was seen in a repeating pattern from Alec, one could argue that he's biphobic... but he isn't. Some might point to some of his internal thoughts in trsom to argue otherwise, but I believe that actions are superior than thoughts.
There's also the thing about unlearning prejudices, but in Alec's case there was hardly anything to be unlearned. The only prejudices he did pick up on were against himself, through vague homophobic comments from Robert.
P.S if you've read this far, I am legally entitled to compensation for thinking of cofa Alec for 48 hours. Put your favorite Alec moments in my askbox cause I wanna focus on his good side now. 😎
But yeah, the main thing here is that Alec has grown from his mistakes, apologized, and hasn't repeated this behavior at all.
And lastly, I just wanted to add - I don't think all this was unintentional on the author's part. She's grown up with the us American queer community, and has mentioned that she has bisexual friends, who have no doubt faced prejudices because of these stereotypes. I think she was trying to condemn making such statements, but a lot of people don't read between the lines and end up misinterpreting it and make both the character and her to be biphobic.
So... TLDR; was what Alec said biphobic? Maybe. It depends on who you're talking to. Is Alec, as a person, biphobic? Nope. Not at all. 😌
#this took WAYYYYY too long#im gonna go lay down for a while now#peace out#alec lightwood#magnus bane#malec#tmi#tec#tsc#meta#tsc meta#discourse#idk what else to tag hnnnng#i just hope i did this topic justice aksjakaksk#also idk what person needs to hear this#but im a bisexual person talking about bisexual issues#im not the authority on this obviously but if anyone pulls the 'i don't like this post so imma pull the OP is a straight person card'#imma SLAP you#😤😤😤#laks analyses
131 notes
·
View notes
Note
Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...
It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.
So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.
The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.
I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.
Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating), difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.
Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).
But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.
The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!
Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.
Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)
Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.
The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.
Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.
There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.
Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.
Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things
Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.
#asks#squash rambles#wow i'm so sorry#as an adhd person i know that is a lot of text to read#i'm too verbose for my own disorder lol#seronility#adhd
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
James & Ava
James: [so obviously all through this party whenever we can we're saying thanks/love you/sorry etc at relevant points via little touches but there hasn't been much time with all the kid chaos & we gotta use our words now] James: Thank you Ava: Don't mention it, I had a good time Ava: think the girls did too 😌 James: because of you James: which is why I had to mention it Ava: It's okay, making cupcakes and crafts was bound to be more fun than my history essay Ava: easy choice, really Ava: how are you now? apart from exhausted James: still astonished that Teddy helped to clear up, even though your cousin did most of it Ava: it's amazing what a boy will do to keep a girl happy, right James: whatever you're hinting at, I'll do it Ava: 😱 do you think I'm that sort of girl?! 😂 James: I don't think I'm exhausted enough to fall into the trap of such a clearly trick question Ava: Then maybe you didn't party/clean hard enough 🤔 James: I'll happily send you evidence of me scrubbing the bath until it's less blue if you like James: but somehow I doubt that is what you're contemplating Ava: An interesting proposition Ava: but who decided baths had to be white anyway Ava: I say keep it James: hopefully whoever rents this place after we've gone will agree with you Ava: I'll bring 'round the spare bicarb, that'll work James: there'll be some in the cupboard, from all the baking recipes Jay's school sends insisting she needs it Ava: I guess I'll have to think of another excuse to come see you soon then James: wanting to is enough Ava: I'd have to be a fool to not want that James: though after today, less so James: I'm very sorry about my family Ava: They aren't your fault James: nevertheless James: & speaking of excuses, my sister told me she's pregnant again as one for her behaviour before I could properly challenge her for it Ava: Oh that's a shame, I could have implied she was just fat by asking Ava: but no, really Ava: I can handle it, it's not as if my family are particularly supportive about us either James: you'll have other chances before her official announcement, I'm sure Ava: not my style Ava: it'll be nice, for the girls to have more cousins their age James: but to hear her speak, there's already a very distinct possibility that this child has surpassed every single one of their age appropriate milestones whilst in utero Ava: 🙄 Ava: if anything that just means more pain on the way out, no Ava: not that underdone is the preference but you know James: she'll have scheduled the caesarean the moment there was evidence of a pink line Ava: guess she's confident in her ab-building post-baby workout then James: confidence has never been lacking as far as she's concerned Ava: I can tell Ava: like your dad, like you said James: yes Ava: I'm sorry Ava: that they tried to...whatever they were attempting to do, or if it was even intentional behaviour Ava: but I think the party still went well where it mattered James: there isn't a single thing for you to apologise for James: it did go well Ava: I'm not trying to add more tension or friction to proceedings when it already comes so naturally James: you didn't, in fact, by being there you managed to diffuse it James: I would have been a lot more stressed had you not been Ava: Good Ava: and she didn't show up Ava: so what more could we ask for James: my parents & sister following suit perhaps James: but that won't be much to ask once we move further than a stone's throw out of their shadow Ava: leaving the postcode for less than Monaco? Ava: unlikely Ava: I keep looking at places Ava: everything goes so fast, it's crazy, by the time I go to send the link, it's gone James: I've secured a viewing after work for the day after tomorrow, if you're free you're more than welcome to come James: [sends her a link] Ava: Wow, that's so exciting Ava: are you excited James: I'm cautiously optimistic Ava: That's such a you way to put it 😊 James: oh is it? Ava: Yes Ava: I like it James: I like that you're unabashed in your excitement Ava: You deserve exciting things to be happening Ava: there's nothing better than a new place for a fresh start James: if it were that simple, I'd agree with you that nothing could be better Ava: No, I know Ava: new floors and four walls doesn't fix everything Ava: but it is something you CAN do Ava: along with all the things you already are, and continue to do James: I want you to be right, but I can't help but feel that it's just a new location to hide in, because of all the things I can't change Ava: You aren't the one that ran away Ava: and no one can say that Ava: but you're better, even without the comparison to her which leaves you looking practically saint-like James: only because there is no amount of distance I can put between your brother & I which would alter the facts or the future as it is shaping up to be Ava: he's being so Ava: stubborn and stupid James: all day my thoughts kept circling back to the idea that this time next year everything could be different James: she might not be here James: I don't know what to do Ava: That won't happen Ava: we won't let it James: you wanting it to be a promise you can make or me wanting what you're saying to be true might not be enough James: I know how stubborn he is Ava: that doesn't mean that he can make a judge agree with him Ava: neither does the fact he's training to do as much Ava: you've raised her, you're her dad James: that alone doesn't mean I can guarantee anything either James: while raising her I've made a lot of mistakes Ava: no Ava: not nowhere near enough or the type that warrants anyone taking her away James: you didn't know me before rehab Ava: neither did my brother Ava: who's he going to call as a character witness, Chloe? James: he did, but I'll admit that the past is less of a pressing concern right now compared to the struggle of the present James: & the ease of getting wasted Ava: Hardly Ava: what kind of friend was he by that point Ava: he didn't tell you that Chloe had told him he was the father before you, did he? Ava: he has no room to judge, on any level Ava: he still does worse James: regardless, I can't blame him for judging me James: because I don't think there's worse than the things I consider doing whenever there's the briefest moment such as this, when they're asleep James: recovery is constant & truly exhausting Ava: Maybe you can't, but I can Ava: exactly Ava: it shows strength of character Ava: I'm just saying, if he takes it there, which, I'd hope not but no, I can't even pretend to promise that right now Ava: he can't be throwing around those sort of accusations like he's got nothing that would look worse under scrutiny James: it's a weakness of character James: & I don't want my flaws to extend to driving any kind of wedge between you & your brother James: or to have to expose any of his, irrespective of what they are James: being free of her finally means I no longer have to play any of those games Ava: admitting and dealing with it isn't Ava: I know Ava: it's horrible to think about, especially when it is so soon after she left, and how that has barely registered Ava: but if you have to, you'll do whatever you need to, right Ava: I mean, as long as it doesn't hurt her, then you have to James: I don't want to do anything that hurts you either Ava: It's not about me though James: he's your brother Ava: That doesn't mean I'm going to endorse his bad choices Ava: not for an easy life Ava: and not at the expense of yours, or Jay's, of course James: they aren't choices any of us should have to make Ava: no, we shouldn't Ava: but he has to be on board with that too Ava: he can't rush and force what he thinks he wants, without any regard for the rest Ava: just because the whole situation was fucked from the start James: he wants to meet her, I keep saying no Ava: Have you told her anything yet? Ava: Not saying 'yet' like you need to or there's a timescale here, you know what I'm trying to ask James: if there were a right time, it wouldn't be now James: she's coping well with her mother's absence but she's nevertheless having to cope James: I'm not going to give her something else to contend with until circumstances change, whether that's because of your brother or a more positive development Ava: Totally Ava: it's a lot already Ava: he should be thinking the same way James: he seems to, when we speak about it James: I can't blame him for wanting to get to know her though James: clearly that's my dad bias but anyone who doesn't is missing out Ava: she's a good kid James: you're good with her & for her James: I can't remember the last time she was as happy as she's been over the last few days Ava: that makes me happy too James: oh good, because I haven't yet asked how you are James: I'm sorry Ava: don't be James: it's important James: my family believes I see you as an unpaid problem solver & I have no desire to prove them right to any degree Ava: you know that I know that that's not how it is though Ava: I understand, you've got way too much going on in your head right now to be too concerned with the pleasantries Ava: I can do without James: just because you can doesn't mean you should James: this matters to me, you, us James: we're not an us if it's just me using you as a sounding board Ava: You don't Ava: and I know it matters because you wouldn't trust me with any of this if it didn't Ava: you've been there for me whenever I've needed you too, my problems are just smaller scale, on the whole Ava: doesn't make it one-sided James: okay James: as long as you know Ava: I promise Ava: I wouldn't hate some alone time with you soon though James: how soon can you do? Ava: I have to go to Dublin this weekend Ava: but Thursday I don't have any afternoon lessons, so if you could do something then? James: I'll pick you up James: if necessary I'll do extra work when you're in Dublin Ava: you're so lovely James: no, I missed you the second you left, that's all Ava: I missed you too Ava: not being able to talk properly Ava: I hate that about parties James: me too James: but you were a vision in your party outfit Ava: you think so? Ava: you can be a monster again any time you like 😋 James: yes, I very much think so James: you looked beautiful Ava: you'll make me blush James: I hope so, despite not being there to see it Ava: in terms of photographic evidence, definitely more fun than the clean bath James: unless I were in it, alas I'm not sure I'd fit Ava: Oh babe that's so sad Ava: the world doesn't cater to people your size, how rude 🥺 James: I'll try if you promise to drop whatever you're doing & help free me should the unthinkable occur James: & thankfully hotels do, so I won't have to see that face on Thursday Ava: Of course Ava: we have to protect your modesty and decency at all costs 🤭 Ava: hotel, you say? James: yes, that way we'll both fit James: without any kind of farce or firefighters getting involved Ava: I did say alone time Ava: no 🚓 🚑 🚒 allowed James: not in this chapter, I promise James: it's not that kind of book Ava: It doesn't have to be tasteful Ava: I don't think the readers will mind James: I'll bear that in mind Ava: Please do James: while I've got things under consideration, would you like to stay over? James: I can arrange taking you to school on Friday morning Ava: Um, yes Ava: of course James: okay, I'll ask Diana to watch the girls James: after today it's the least she can do Ava: Is she usually better when I'm not there? James: no James: she'll happily find a grievance with whoever is Ava: well, at least it isn't personal Ava: don't know if that's worse, actually James: plenty were tailored to you personally if that makes you feel any better Ava: it's understandable, I suppose Ava: if I was who they thought I was James: my ex wife was everything they thought she was & it did nothing to help me Ava: yeah James: I have my opinions on my sister's husband & I keep them to myself Ava: he wasn't there, was he? James: there's a slim chance you'll be able to meet him at her baby shower, but he wasn't at the last one Ava: I'm sure the chances I'll be invited are even slimmer Ava: sounds delightful though James: oh she'll invite you, if only to show you how a party should be thrown Ava: 😏 Ava: it's a good thing I already know baby shower etiquette then Ava: been to enough James: you'll have to teach me what it is Ava: Very modern of her to want any men there Ava: usually they object on the fact of it being 'women's business' and it's like a hen party with no alcohol James: Matilda's & Jay's were both like that Ava: Yeah, I can see that James: there was obviously champagne though James: I assumed that was why I wasn't invited Ava: Oh yeah, the other guests can get hammered Ava: and the mum has to lowkey cry about it the whole time, but all the gifts and attention you get should really make up for it Ava: they're weird, honestly, another excuse for all of the above James: the horrific flashbacks of said crying & attention have returned to me, thank you for that Ava: 😬 Ava: you can have a baby shower now if you would like Ava: I'll look up all the ridiculous games Ava: you earnt it James: you're the one who has earned anything you'd like James: there wouldn't have even been a party today if not for all the work you put in Ava: all I like is being with you Ava: it was worth it James: you know I don't want you to leave, it upsets me that you're not here now Ava: Same Ava: I wish I could be James: did you finish your homework? Ava: not quite, my parents wanted to talk to me for ages Ava: which really goes against their concerns being my schoolwork but there we go James: well, I'm very concerned about your schoolwork & ensuring you don't have to go to Kings after all, so if there's anything I can do to help Ava: I'll tell them Ava: that will no doubt but their mind at ease Ava: it's not even that hard, I'm just lacking motivation James: of course James: I went there too, none of the work was ever that hard Ava: they'd like you to believe the oxbridge admissions day others but Ava: we know the truth James: I'd like to know what would motivate you Ava: Well Ava: maybe we could do lunch or something before Thursday Ava: that is forever away James: it certainly does feel like it Ava: or we can walk Frank or I'll come 'round for dinner Ava: just say I can see you before then and I'll get it done James: we can do every single one of those things once you have Ava: 😍 Ava: Okay, I'll do it Ava: as you're so inspirational James: as we've discussed, I don't want things to be one sided James: & you're the most encouraging person I've ever met James: I've never found someone to be this stimulating before, it's a remarkably unfair contest for my capabilities James: thus I'm motivated to keep motivating you Ava: I love being with you so much James Ava: I can't wait for your life to be exactly what you want it Ava: it is going to happen, I'm so sure of it James: before you I didn't even know how my life could hypothetically be bearable, never mind thinking about how I may have wanted it in its ideal James: you build character, Ava James: I love you so much, but also I can stand who I am now, with you Ava: you're doing all the work though Ava: to totally restart, that's amazing you know Ava: and I love you too James: because you prompted it Ava: as long as you're taking your credit too, I can deal with that James: I need you to know that I couldn't do this without you, back then or now James: & how much I appreciate you is in line with that Ava: Good thing you've got me Ava: and good thing that's what we both want Ava: everything else we can work out together James: it's the most perfect thing James: hence I'm still working out how to do any of it justice with a novel Ava: Words are your speciality Ava: even if it takes a lifetime, that's time we have James: & if nothing else it puts your current writer's block into perspective James: you definitely won't be forced to do homework forever Ava: 😅 very true James: because of course my struggle is consistently greater than yours, darling James: there's a long line of people waiting to tell us, lest we forget Ava: but of course Ava: only have to worry about when my next assignment is due and how to wear my hair, thank god 💁 James: thank god Jay didn't insist you turn yours blue as well James: getting you sent home for violating the dress code wouldn't endear your parents to me Ava: I don't think I'd look anywhere as near as cool Ava: talk about a real party faux pas James: as far as she's concerned you're incapable of committing one, or any wrong at all Ava: no pressure 😅 Ava: she's so cute Ava: and funny James: she wants to get her hair cut next, as long as you say you like it when I eventually take her, you'll continue to be her favourite person Ava: Ooh, that's a big one Ava: how is dad feeling about it? James: hypothetically less hair to fight to get a brush through sounds like a fantastic idea James: but actually, I don't know Ava: she'll love it Ava: you will too Ava: though it'll be a total shock James: I'll be the sentimental fool, frantically trying to catch a lock to keep before it hits the floor, undoubtedly Ava: 🥺 You're adorable Ava: at least Mattie has a way to before her first haircut, a reprieve for you James: it'll make her happy, that's what I should focus on, I know Ava: you're still allowed to feel a type of way about it Ava: that's what dads are for James: mine isn't the demonstrative type, unless disappointment is what he wishes to convey, but yes James: I don't look to him for parenting advice Ava: You're already better Ava: and that can be a comfort now, instead of how he is being detrimental to you James: thank you James: all I ask is that you don't also decide to change how you wear your hair in the near future please, there are only so many changes I can endure regardless of whether they're positive or negative Ava: Okay, I can promise that Ava: just for you James: well in that case, just for you, I'll ignore the weather forecast & walk Frank tomorrow Ava: 😁 Ava: I wish you could come to Dublin too Ava: we'll be having bonfire night James: one day, I can promise that Ava: I know, it's too soon Ava: I'll buy sparklers, when I get back James: I look forward to it Ava: I won't bring back a jacket potato even though they're so much better off the fire James: true, I remember it being one of the main merits of scouts Ava: you were a scout? 😊 James: yes James: I did my D of E as well Ava: That tracks Ava: you're always prepared James: I don't know about that Ava: Are you suggesting that the D of E was in fact a massive waste of time? 🤔😱 James: I'm not suggesting anything until they approach me with whatever package they deem appropriate in order to secure a glowing endorsement James: King's have certainly benefited from having me on side, in spite of losing you to more worthy rivals Ava: Smart 😏 Ava: You did almost convince me, and in a way, you still did, just not to their benefit James: I can't in good conscience take credit for the persuasive charm of The Vault James: or pretend as though I wasn't the one being utterly convinced by you Ava: Of course, those dizzying highs are unparalleled and cannot be replicated anywhere else Ava: and just as obvious is my conniving seduction of you, as pointed out with pointed looks and silences James: it is a relief to hear that high school wasn't in fact my peak, I'll make sure to really emphasise my superiority in the book's acknowledgements Ava: If you thought it was possible to peak in that school, I'd have no interest in gold-digging you, would I James: nobody is professing that you're good at it, darling James: you'd have been more likely to target my father's bad marriage if so Ava: I'm so sad for myself Ava: tragically bad at it, really James: unfortunately we can't both be figures of pity & I've already been typecast in said role Ava: I'll have to get better at it and be more worthy of scorn James: regardless, there's very little chance they'll improve enough to be worthy of where they've put themselves James: though the mock trial is a kind consideration given that your brother is vying to put me before a real one, I suppose Ava: Thank God they don't know James: my father has already baulked at the idea of us moving, if I have to go to him cap in hand to pay for lawyers James: I dread to think Ava: I still hope they never need to be told Ava: maybe that's foolish at this point but James: if it is, it's a folie à deux James: but once I tell Jay I can hardly swear her to secrecy James: & she does need to be told, my delusion isn't that far reaching Ava: No, true Ava: kids are bad with secrets Ava: and obviously, not the kind of thing to encourage anyway Ava: they won't treat her differently at least, right? Ava: as long as they can keep their talking about it out of her earshot too, I feel that's the best we can hope for James: I'd love to say no, of course they wouldn't Ava: I didn't want to be the one to suggest it Ava: even if slagging off your family might seem like the appropriate course of action right now, not that bitch either James: there's very little you could suggest that my imagination hasn't beaten you to Ava: I know darling Ava: I'm sorry James: I try to console myself with the knowledge that there's a degree of inevitability anyway, look how differently I am treated, without any question of being his flesh & blood James: my family have & always will have their favourites, set in & as immovable as stone Ava: and she does have Chloe's parents, who clearly adore both girls Ava: I only have one set of grandparents Ava: you're right, they're going to act however they choose to act, and they can blame it on what they like but as long as Jay knows it isn't her fault and she is loved by lots of people, then that should be enough, and I'm sure it will be Ava: you've found happiness despite them James: & she will too, I'll make sure of that James: do your parents know? Ava: Yes Ava: he told them at the time, as well Ava: so they were less shocked but obviously still James: I definitely won't be welcome at the bonfire then Ava: It's not your fault Ava: they can't blame you James: it wasn't the first time I'd heard it said that I wasn't her dad either, I could've done something when it was Ava: She's the only one that knew the actual truth Ava: the only one that could say or do anything for definite James: I didn't want to know, that's my fault Ava: Neither did my brother James: we're as bad as each other Ava: It's more complicated than that James: it won't be to Jay Ava: I don't think Jay is going to understand it like that James: what I mean is, all of this should & could've been sorted out a lot sooner Ava: Maybe Ava: but none of you can go back James: no, we can't Ava: All either of you can do is go from here Ava: God knows what Chloe's next move will be James: as yet she isn't making any James: there wasn't even a card Ava: It's insane Ava: it's like she's dead Ava: playing dead, anyway James: that would be preferable James: at least I'd know what to say to Jay if she were Ava: It's so unfair Ava: that she thinks she gets to do this Ava: that she owes them nothing James: she does get to, neither I nor her parents can stop her Ava: If her parents know where she is though Ava: they could take the kids to her Ava: but then, I suppose all that would result in would be trauma for them Ava: for fuck's sake James: precisely, I can't blame them for being terrified of the scene they'd stumble into Ava: the parent that stays always get shit on Ava: it's not right, this is her mess and she's doing nothing to fix it James: I'll gladly fix it for their sakes, that is what's right James: they've been through enough with her Ava: and you'll do a better job than she ever could Ava: it's just frustrating Ava: but I know you know that more than me, and do not need telling remotely just Ava: I feel angry on all your behalves right now James: you don't know what it means to me, how much you care, even if it is distressing & distracting for you right now Ava: I know you want the best for me Ava: but in the grand scheme of things, me fluffing one essay is not actually the big deal any of my family would like to make it so we don't have to have a bigger conversation Ava: this is important, you are James: an assignment isn't the issue, it's that everyone believes you're consistently putting my importance above yours James: & maybe if it's that glaring to all but me they have a point & I am asking too much of you James: leaning on you too hard through this Ava: No, they don't want to see it, because this whole thing, us, makes them uncomfortable Ava: it'd be my business if I did anyway, every person in a relationship I know does that Ava: but it isn't at the cost of me and my importance anyway James: okay Ava: I promise, James James: I'm doing my best Ava: You're doing amazing James: it doesn't feel that way Ava: no Ava: but the girls are gonna grow up happy, and then it'll be worth it James: are they? Ava: Yes James: I want to believe that Ava: You'll get to see Ava: that doubt, of whether you're fucking it all up, is just part and parcel isn't it Ava: but things will get easier too, day to day like James: whether I fuck it all up again you mean, because I actually have for so long Ava: but you're fixing it Ava: that's what really counts James: but it doesn't erase my past mistakes, they count as well James: every slight against Chloé is also one against me because I stood by & let them happen James: I knew where she was, where she could plausibly still be James: & here I am, continuing to do nothing Ava: at the end of the day though Ava: all anyone really wants from their parents is love Ava: knowing that you love and care about and for them, put in that work, that's what counts Ava: she isn't good for them right now, clearly Ava: maybe she does get to just walk away, regardless of it being unfair James: you're right, clearly James: I'm sorry, it's been a really long day Ava: It really has Ava: what are you doing to wind down? James: I don't know James: what do you suggest? Ava: Depends Ava: you could try to fit in your blue bath Ava: cook yourself your favourite food Ava: we could watch a movie or some really mindless trash TV James: Beautiful Creatures or Beastly are supposedly a must for Twilight fans James: if you've seen those, there's also The Mortal Instruments but I'm not sure how many of those books got made into films James: it feels unwise to risk getting invested in a neverending cliffhanger Ava: I think they made that one into a bad TV series too, after the films bombed Ava: could be an exercise in how not to do it Ava: as well as relaxing James: really? James: well that's settled Ava: I bet it has such a sub-par soundtrack too James: compared to what we're used to, what wouldn't be? Ava: Precisely Ava: after the day we've had, can't be dealing with that level of excitement James: enough that I don't immediately fall asleep after pressing play will be fine Ava: I'll fill you in on the travesties if you do James: no, after the day we've had, I want to spend time with you Ava: I love you James: I love you too
1 note
·
View note
Text
Buster & Rio
Buster: I saw Buster: Where are you going? Rio: Not decided Buster: How much do you have in your account? Rio: Loads Rio: Great stream, like Rio: despite some vocal haters Buster: Yeah Buster: Get as far as you can then Buster: Fuck him Rio: I won't, that's the problem Buster: Like that's his only problem Rio: No need to tell me Rio: don't recommend you engage with him but Buster: What do you want me to do? Rio: Nothing Rio: Not forgotten how you feel about it, like Rio: not expecting sympathy Buster: Don't be like that Rio: Why not Buster: 'Cause I ain't him Buster: Don't treat me like I am Rio: Sorry Rio: idk what to do Buster: Come here Rio: I can't Buster: Why not? Rio: Plenty of reasons Rio: For one you don't wanna see me Buster: Don't be stupid Rio: Try and tell me otherwise Buster: Rio Buster: I want to see you Rio: Maybe I'll just fake out and stay Rio: how sad would that be Rio: unforgivable or? Buster: 'Course not Buster: You can do whatever you want Rio: Can I? Rio: 'cos Ryan don't reckon so Buster: What does that cunt know about anything? Rio: Enough to drag my name through the dirt Rio: that's for sure Buster: Enough that he has to try Buster: He knows he fucked up when he lost you but that's all he has a clue about Buster: And he was punching above his weight since day 1, he's also gotta be aware of that Rio: Nah Rio: he just hates me Rio: not wrong with what he's saying but Buster: Shut up Buster: That's bullshit Buster: He's got no right to hate you Rio: Maybe not but Rio: I get it Rio: nothing he says is untrue Rio: just wish he didn't care Buster: Fuck that Buster: I bet most of what he says is utter bullshit Rio: Nah Rio: hand him the ammo, don't I Buster: It's not your fault he's fucked in the head, babe Buster: Don't talk shit Rio: Just 'cause he's obsessed don't mean he ain't got a point Rio: whether I like it or not Rio: probably why it makes me so mad Rio: my easy money called into question Buster: Stop it Buster: You could leaving a nun life and he'd still wanna find ways to make you feel bad Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: Maybe Rio: unlikely to find that out any time soon Buster: Good Buster: Don't change for him Buster: He's worth shit, yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: Still dictating shit regardless Rio: laughing with it Rio: why did I rise to it Buster: 'Cause you've had enough Buster: It's been going on so long Rio: How awful that I wish he'd just get a new girlfriend already Rio: why would I want that for anyone Buster: 'Cause you want rid Buster: I don't blame you Rio: Promise? Buster: I swear Buster: Don't blame yourself either Rio: Hard not to Rio: I did it Rio: so stupid Buster: You're not stupid Rio: Yes I am Rio: What was the point Buster: Shut up Buster: You're smarter than him Buster: And me Buster: We both know it's my fault you fucked Curtis Buster: I would've made it up to you if Indie didn't have other ideas, like Rio: Oh yeah 😂 high school dropout with one shit job and one dubious one Rio: genius, like Buster: You're not funny, doesn't mean you aren't smart Buster: So stop Rio: I don't want to Rio: can't Rio: idk Buster: What do you want? Buster: Seriously Rio: Am I meant to know? Rio: I don't Rio: I'm not like you, clever, whatever you want to call it Rio: I have no clue what I'm doing or why Buster: I don't buy it Buster: I know you've got goals Buster: You're as motivated as I am Rio: Why are you being nice Rio: not letting me mope Buster: 'Cause he keeps hurting you Buster: And like I said, I ain't him Buster: That and you won't let me kill him Rio: Can't be the egomaniac that tries to fight their own case Rio: never ends well, babe Buster: Don't underestimate me, babe Rio: 😂 Rio: just trying to give you a little dose of reality Buster: Bit late, don't you reckon Rio: I'm a tryer Buster: Yeah? Rio: You know it Buster: Don't give up then Rio: don't worry, at an airport, not the traintracks or bridge Buster: Hilarious Buster: Decided where you're going yet or what Rio: I'll check where's cheapest and where's going the minute I decide I wanna Rio: doesn't matter really Buster: 'Course it matters Buster: Going to a shithole isn't gonna cheer you up Rio: I mean Rio: I won't go to... Rio: Yugoslavia? idk Rio: somewhere sunny'll cut it Buster: 😂 Rio: just trying to hype your postcode Rio: i 👀 you Buster: I reckon its got itself covered Buster: And I ain't gotta hype me Rio: You have put those hours in by now, yeah 😜 Buster: Just you wait, babe Buster: Barely started with you Rio: I know Rio: Can't even blame all those false starts on how hot I am Buster: Welcome back Rio: 😏 Rio: Wishing you could be holding that sign at Heathrow, babe Buster: Obviously Buster: Really missing you, like Rio: Really feel it Buster: Good Rio: Well Rio: looks like I'm off to Spain Buster: I'll see you around then Rio: yeah? Rio: cool Buster: How long are you gonna be gone? Rio: just a few days Rio: can't leave indie Buster: I can check in Buster: She'd love it Rio: hmm Buster: You know she would Rio: yeah Rio: but i don't Rio: thank you very much Buster: What do you think is gonna happen? Buster: she's a kid Rio: an insatiable kid Rio: with no boundaries Buster: She ain't got any maybe but I do Rio: Some, like Rio: don't get carried away Buster: Fuck off Rio: What? Rio: Just saying Rio: too late to put some back in place Buster: Am I meant to care? Rio: Probably Rio: you still haven't realised? Buster: What? Rio: I'm going to fuck you up Buster: You wish, babe Rio: I seriously don't Rio: but I will if you let me Buster: The only way you can hurt me is the way I like Buster: Don't worry about it Rio: Okay Rio: you better be right Rio: i tried to stop this, let the record show Buster: I'm always right, babe Buster: And I'm sick of being stopped Rio: Same Rio: I wish it had been you Rio: sorry if you don;t wanna hear it Buster: It's alright Buster: I know Rio: what a mess Buster: I wish I could make you forget everybody else Rio: you could Rio: don't pick now to be humble Buster: Seriously though Buster: I hate that your exes get to treat you how they do Rio: Know how to pick 'em, right Buster: Yeah Rio: Tragic Buster: I ain't one to talk Rio: Yeah Rio: Right pair Rio: Commiserate with me Buster: I'll take a drink Rio: Sláinte baby Buster: Cheers Rio: what are you doing Buster: An assignment Buster: Technically Rio: Oop, my bad Buster: Yeah 'cause I'd rather study Rio: Should Rio: be a good boy Buster: Fuck should Rio: honestly Rio: tut tut Rio: what am i gonna do with you Buster: Everything Buster: And anything you want Rio: promises, promises Buster: What else do you want me to give you? Rio: just all of you Buster: I'll get myself to the airport then, shall I Rio: don't be moody Rio: everyone's in a mood with me Rio: i'm trying to be good Buster: I ain't Buster: I just want to actually be able to come with Rio: I know Rio: time alone will probably be good for me though, you who came for me on that, right? Rio: but i'll be thinking about you Rio: a lot Buster: I know Buster: You need to go Rio: Next time Rio: I'll come to you Rio: not because I'm running from someone else, yeah Buster: Yeah Rio: Am I being weird Rio: I'm airport drunk Buster: I like it Buster: Just make sure they let you on the plane, babe Rio: oi Rio: i'm a calm composed lady Rio: and there's a hen party on my flight who are gonna need all the handling so Buster: 😂 Buster: slip the hot ones my number, like Rio: no. Rio: you can't do any handling from there anyway hush Buster: Like I said, don't underestimate me, babe Rio: always want me to do your work for you Rio: your type ain't mine, trust Buster: We've already established your type ain't worth nobody's time Rio: fuck off Rio: girls are different Buster: You've got a type of girl too then? Rio: duh Rio: i celebrate all things woman, that's my whole job Buster: where's those exes, like? Rio: 😂 Rio: suddenly interested Buster: No shit Rio: typical bloke 😏 Buster: Not yours thank fuck Buster: So glad to be a different class Rio: you want me to feel offended? Rio: thought he weren't my fault Buster: I'm not shading you just the lads you've been with Buster: 'Cause he's the worst, yeah, but he ain't the only twat, is he Rio: what you gonna do about it, boy? Rio: you wanna matchmake for me? get me a 💎 Buster: I'm gonna give you better Buster: Then you won't wanna go back to all that bullshit Buster: All you gotta do is keep up Rio: Yeah? Rio: Never had a problem with that Rio: just don't keep me running circles 'round you forever Buster: You must be drunk if you're dropping the f bomb Rio: ha no Rio: just feels like forever Buster: One thing I can't argue with you about Rio: too right Rio: so shh Buster: I'm not in the library I'll be as loud as I want, cheers Rio: say something worthwhile then please Buster: Take lots of pics for me while you're away, yeah? Rio: Of course Rio: tan progress, naturally Rio: or if you're in the market for some nice bikinis Rio: got you, babe Buster: Standard Rio: will you call me Rio: i'm already lonely Buster: Now? Rio: No, you're working hard Rio: or meant to be Rio: but when i'm there and you've finished Buster: Yeah Rio: Don't have to Buster: I know I don't Rio: 😔 Rio: want me again Rio: i'll make it up to you Buster: I haven't stopped Buster: You know I can't Rio: but don't want to stop Buster: I want you Buster: That's all Rio: i'm going to make it so worth it i swear Rio: i know its been too long Buster: I've wanted you for years, babe Buster: I can handle waiting Rio: I can't Rio: I'm so mad at the world Rio: leave us alone for 15 minute god Buster: You sure you don't want me to call you now? Rio: 😈 Rio: Not my ideal mile-high fantasy with you obviously but Rio: I need it Buster: Maybe not but I've still thought about it Buster: Been thinking about it since you said you were at the airport Rio: You're really gonna need me to check that essay for typos then, babe Rio: I'm not going to the bathroom, so you do the telling and I'll be trying my best to stay quiet, yeah? Buster: Having you on my desk is a fantasy for another day Buster: Until then, yeah Buster: cum for me quietly that'll be a new one Rio: Sadly Rio: Fuck me 😍🤤 Rio: I love a challenge, yeah Buster: I love that either way I win Rio: I see no real downside Rio: you're going to make me cum either way Rio: whether i get forcibly removed from the plane is another thing but come on guys, be cool Buster: Well, if you are you know who to call Buster: Least I can do, like Rio: reckon they'd just fly through to spain, like Rio: no point coming back Rio: me sat there in cuffs Rio: getting too kinky Buster: 😂 Buster: I don't reckon there'll be many complaints Buster: They'll appreciate it if anything Rio: in flight entertainment Rio: not a male stripper, soz girls but you know you love it Buster: Put me there on the facetime if they get mad about it Rio: 😂 Rio: let you steal my thunder this once 'cos at least i'll get to see too Buster: you're all welcome, like Rio: save the best for just me though Buster: I will if you do Rio: Promise Buster: Okay Buster: I'm calling
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
ezrantheanimalwhisperer
Hello fellow fans!
starfruit-grafitti
nonsense drawings about nonsensical things
landscape-lunacy
Landscape & Nature Photography