Tumgik
#sorry this is a negative one i just had to get it out there
gojoluvs · 1 day
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Forever yours.
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⤿ Satoru Gojo × reader
Summary, The only reason why you even agreed to marry him was for your father. Now you wish you could go back in time and reject the offer.
Warning/ tags; angst, profanity, smoking, cursing, smut, cheating, mean gojo,
Genre; angst, cheating, infidelity, jik, Gojou × reader
Notes: the tag-list is open if you'd like to be mentioned everytime i update just send me a message also sorry any of the spelling errors.
9k words
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It had been a few months since then, going to your honeymoon on July, and now it was November with Thanksgiving just around the corner. The autumn leaves were turning shades of red, orange, and yellow, reminding you of the honeymoon you and your spouse had taken just a few months ago.
Despite the fact that you and Satoru had been married for quite some time now, your relationship seemed to be stuck in a rut. He continued to ignore you, never joining you for dinner or spending time with you in the large mansion you had moved into. It was as if nothing had changed between the two of you.
You couldn't help but feel anxious and nervous as you waited for the results. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions for the past few months, with Satoru's constant reminders and tracking of your ovulation and periods. Now, all you could do was wait for the pregnancy test to give you the answer you were desperately hoping for, or dreading.
The anxiety and fear of a potential pregnancy weighed heavily on your mind as you waited for the results. You couldn't help but think about how your life would change if the test turned out positive. Would you be ready for motherhood? Would Satoru be ready to become a father? You hated to admit it but deep down you were hoping for a negative result.
As you stared at the calendar, your eyes scanned over the days until they finally landed on one that stood out to you. "Most likely to get pregnant." The bright red letters seemed to jump off the page, catching your attention and bringing back vivid memories.
You remembered that day so clearly - coming home from a family party with Satoru, feeling hurt and insulted by his words and actions, yet still unable to resist him when he made love to you. It was a painful reminder of the complicated and toxic dynamic between the two of you.
Despite spending a significant amount of time with him, you couldn't help but feel like there was a lack of connection between the two of you. There were days when it seemed like he was just tolerating your presence, and on other days, he would completely ignore you. Your hands would often tremble in his presence, and you couldn't understand why. Perhaps it was the feeling of uncertainty and unease that he brought to the table, leaving you with an unsettling feeling whenever you were around him.
The thought of Satoru being the father of your child filled you with dread and anxiety. You couldn't help but feel sick to your stomach, unsure if it was from the potential pregnancy or the overwhelming emotions you were experiencing.
The idea of bringing a child into a world of parents who despised each other was overwhelming and you couldn't help but question if this was really the best option for you and your child.
There was one major secret you hadn’t told your husband. Most of the women in your family, including your mother, had suffered from fertility issues. Your mother had experienced three miscarriages, and it was a common occurrence for babies in your family to not make it past the first trimester of pregnancy.
The fear of not being able to have a child of your own consumed your every thought. You were too afraid to go for testing and receive a definitive answer. Your mind raced with all the possible outcomes and you couldn't sit still, pacing back and forth from your room.
The thumps of your sole foot could be heard, a physical manifestation of your anxiety. You were so anxious, you wanted to scream and rip out your hair in frustration.
Once, only once in your life you had actually went to go test your fertility. Once you had gotten the results back you were too afraid to look at them. At the time Toji was still your boyfriend, he had reassured you that he didn’t care if you were infertile or not because all he cared was that he had you.
So you did what most people would do, you threw the dumb envelope away and never thought about it since. But yet the thought came to mind now. How would satoru react about this?
Your mind wandered to the contract you had signed with him. It was a business marriage, a union of convenience. You had no love for each other, no emotional connection. The only thing you could provide for him was your body, your uterus, and the ability to bear his child.
You were nothing but a means to an end, a tool in his pursuit of success. You ran your fingers through your hair, feeling trapped and suffocated in this loveless arrangement. Suddenly, the loud sound of your alarm going off startled you out of your thoughts, reminding you of the reality you were living in.
Your hand trembled as you slowly walked towards your drawer, where the pregnancy test awaited. Your heart practically jumping out of your chest with each step. You hated to admit it, but you really did hope the test would come back negative.
The thought of being pregnant at this point in your life was terrifying. You reached for the test, your hand shaking as you turned it over to look at the result. For a moment, the whole world seemed to stop moving. It was like those dramatic scenes in a movie when a character finds out something life-changing.
You held your breath as you stared at the small window, waiting for the result to appear.
You let out a deep sigh of relief, your heart pounding in your chest as you stared at the negative test in your hand. The weight of anxiety and fear lifted off your shoulders, and for a brief moment, you felt a sense of pure joy and happiness.
You couldn't believe you had finally received the answer you had been hoping for. Suddenly, the urge to celebrate overwhelmed you, and you wanted nothing more than to jump up and down in excitement.
But as you were about to do so, your bedroom door flew open, and your tall, white-haired husband stormed in, his expensive Christian Louboutin shoes making a loud thumping noise on the hardwood floor. Immediately, your celebration came to an end as you braced yourself for whatever was about to come.
Your husband stood before you, unbuttoning the sleeves of his immaculate white dress shirt, his expression unreadable. You knew that something was wrong, and your moment of relief was quickly replaced with a sense of dread.
You felt a wave of panic wash over you as you hastily shoved the pregnancy test into one of your drawers. Turning around, you put on a smile and walked towards your husband, helping him out of his suit and hanging it neatly in your closet.
Your heart sank as you noticed the stained red lipstick on the neckline of his suit. You couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy as you remembered that Jiyuu was one of his representatives in his business. You forced a smile and asked, "How was work?" trying to hide your true emotions.
You pursed your lips, a hint of disappointment evident on your face. "It was good," he said, noticing your reaction as you hung the suit up.
You silently walked back towards the room, Satoru was shirtless, rummaging through his closet for a shirt to wear. You couldn't help but admire his toned physique and the way his muscles flexed as he searched for a shirt.
Your mind wandered, imagining what it would feel like to run your hands over his chest. You quickly shook the thought from your mind, reminding yourself that he care for you.
"That's nice," you said with a small smile, feeling a twinge of nervousness as you bit the inside of your cheek.
You knew you shouldn't be pushing his buttons, let alone asking about his lover, but you just couldn't take it anymore. The anxious nights of awaiting his arrival, only to have him come home late or not at all, were taking a toll on you.
There were days where you couldn't even sleep without him by your side, and the constant worry and doubt were consuming your thoughts.
Yet, you couldn't stop yourself from asking about his whereabouts and who he was with, hoping for some reassurance or closure. But each time, the conversation just ended in more frustration and heartache.
“Satoru?” You felt a pang of jealousy and anger as you watched Satoru dress himself, trying to hide the evidence of his infidelity. His back, strong and toned from his workouts, was a reminder of how attractive he was to other women.
You couldn't help but notice the hickies on his neck, the scent of Burberry her perfume lingering in the air, and the red lipstick stains on his collar. You were tired of pretending not to see these signs of his unfaithfulness, but you couldn't bring yourself to confront him about it.
You hated how he made you feel insecure and unworthy, but you couldn't seem to walk away from him either. The constant inner turmoil was draining and exhausting, but you were willing to endure it for a chance to be with him.
He hummed, turning to face you. You felt the anger bubbling up inside of you as you looked at him, his casual demeanor and nonchalant attitude driving you insane. “Are you still seeing Jiyuu?” Your fists clenched at your sides as you resisted the urge to lash out at him.
His nonchalant attitude towards your feelings only added fuel to the fire, making you want to punch him even more. You could feel the hurt and betrayal in your gaze as you looked at him.
With a defeated sigh, his words stung as he spoke, "There's no reason for me to lie anymore. Jiyuu, she's the woman I love. Not you." His tone was harsh and final as he turned and walked away, leaving you to process the heart-wrenching truth.
The realization that you were not the one he loved, despite all your efforts, was a hard pill to swallow.
You followed him, feeling a surge of anger and betrayal. You couldn't believe he was with her again. He always seemed to have an excuse, whether it was work or hanging out with friends, but you knew the truth.
Your gut told you that he was always with her, and the evidence was becoming harder to ignore. You couldn't understand why he would continue to lie and break your trust.
"Stop pretending you care, stop trying to love me Y/N. All you're going to do is make things worse," he said with a resigned sigh. You were taken aback by his words, feeling like you had been punched in the gut.
You wanted to break down and cry, but you knew it would only push him away further. You couldn't help but wonder how it would feel to be comforted by him, to have him hold you and tell you everything would be okay.
But deep down, you knew that would never happen.
"Please," he began, his voice filled with hesitation as he turned to walk away from you once again. The irony was not lost on you - it seemed that everyone in your life had a tendency to walk away from you. Whether it was a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner, it always ended the same way.
You hated the feeling of begging and appearing so desperate. It made you feel small and unworthy, especially when you had to plead with your own husband. "Please Satoru, we're married. Can't you spare some time for me?" you would say, hoping for a glimmer of attention or affection.
The man's long, veiny hand ran through his shock of white hair as he licked his lips, his face coming dangerously close to yours. You could feel his hot breath on your skin as he spoke. "Fine," he growled. "My friends are going to a cabin this weekend." The intensity of his gaze made you feel uneasy.
Your eyes glimmered, a cabin. You always wanted to go to a cabin, one with snow. “Just me and you?” He nodded before slamming the door.
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Why?
Why did the world have to be so cruel to you?
As you walked along the coastline, you could feel a gentle caress on your skin as the warm sand touched your feet. The grainy texture of the sand added a dimension of realism that heightened your sensory experience. The sensation of moving through the fine-grained sand was both soothing and invigorating, evoking a sense of tranquility and connection with the natural world.
The sand beneath your feet had a texture that was both soft and coarse. It felt comfortable as it massaged the soles of your feet, but it also provided a sturdy base that supported you as you walked.
He stood there, his hair flowing gently in the wind. The gusty breeze rushed through his face, causing his eyes to flutter slightly.
"Toji?" you called out, your voice filled with a mixture of excitement and concern.
Toji's face lit up when he saw you, a smile spreading across his face. He took a few steps towards you, his eyes filled with warmth and affection.
"Hey," he said, his voice echoing in the silence of the open field.
You ran to him, throwing your hands behind his neck, holding him so tight you felt his heartbeat through his chest. The feeling of his warm embrace brought tears to your eyes as you realized how much you had missed him. In that moment, nothing else mattered except being in his arms and feeling his love.
what did you do to deserve this?
A shiver ran down your spine as his hand gently touched your cheek, his forehead pressed against yours. You couldn't help but get lost in his intense gaze, his dark blue eyes seeming to look into the depths of your soul.
It felt so real.
"I love you," he whispered, his voice full of emotion as he looked at you with such tenderness. His hands, rough from years of hard work, gently caressed your skin, making your heart swell with love for him. Tears formed in your eyes as you realized how much you wanted this life with him, full of love and happiness.
The thought of him moving on and finding someone else to share his life with was unbearable. It was as if a part of you was being ripped away. His touch, his kiss, his presence - it all felt like home to you.
You couldn't imagine anyone else taking your place by his side. You wanted to be the one to spend forever with him, to grow old together and experience all of life's ups and downs by his side. The thought of someone else filling that role was too painful to even consider. You couldn't let him go. He was your soulmate, your other half.
Tears fell down, knowing that one day you would never find someone who loved and cherished you as much as you loved and cherished him.
"You have to let me go Y/N." He pulled away from you. There it was that stupid geniune smile he always gave you. You broke down sobbing on his chest as he held you.
Why did your brain have to do this to you?
He cupped your face in his hands, wiping away your tears with his thumbs. "I promise you, I'll always love you." You shook your head, unable to accept his words
"I don't want to lose you," you cried. "I can't imagine my life without you." He gently wiped away your tears, his expression filled with sadness.
"I know, but it's for the best," he said softly. You didn't want to let him go, but you knew deep down that he was right. You hugged him tighter, trying to hold onto the moment for as long as you could.
"Toji, before I go," You said the sunset casting a golden light on his perfect face. You couldn't help but admire him, even in this bittersweet moment.
"Why couldn't you just stop the wedding?" Your voice cracked as you asked the question, tears welling up in your eyes. "Why didn't you just run away with me?" You couldn't understand why he didn't choose you, why he couldn't see that you were meant to be together.
Your heart ached at the thought of being Satoru's wife instead of his, but you couldn't bring yourself to say it out loud. The pain was too much to bear.
With a heavy heart, he looked at you with a bittersweet smile, gently tucking a stray hair behind your ear. "Y/N, I knew I couldn't stop the wedding because deep down, I know I'll never be able to provide for you as well as he can."
He continued to look at you with a mixture of sadness and love, knowing that he had to let you go. "But I promise to always be there for you, no matter what. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I hope he can give that to you." With one last gentle touch, he turned and walked away, leaving you to contemplate his bittersweet words.
You stood there, his touch still lingering on your skin. The memories of your time together flooded back, each one stinging like a fresh wound. As you watched him walk away, you couldn't help but feel a sense of loss and regret. You whispered, "We almost had it all," knowing that things could have been different if only you had made different choices. But now, as he disappeared from your sight, you knew it was too late.
You were so in love with Toji, and it wasn't just because he was there to heal your heart after the previous relationship left it shattered. It was because he was your true love, the one who knew you better than anyone else. Every morning, he would hold you tightly, cherishing the sight of your bare face and your plump lips.
Even with morning breath, he didn't care because being with you was all that mattered to him. He would always be there to hold you, to kiss you tenderly, and to remind you of just how much you mean to him. Every moment with him felt like a dream come true, and you couldn't imagine your life without him.
However, things quickly changed when you met your now current husband. The arranged marriage ruined everything for you and Toji, destroying the perfect life you had imagined since you first started dating. The apartment, the cat, and the financial stability were all gone, along with the hope of a future together. Now, you are left with a broken heart and shattered dreams..
As you stood frozen on the beach, you could feel your heart shatter into a million pieces. You wanted to scream his name, to beg him to stay, but your voice was lost in the overwhelming pain and shock. With a loud thump, your knees hit the sand, the impact almost jolting you out of your trance.
Your hands instinctively gripped the fabric of your skirt, as if trying to cling onto some sense of stability. And as the tears fell from your eyes, you could feel the weight of your heartache slowly drip down your face.
You awoke, tears streaming down your face. You stared at the laces of your boots. The sound of the wind blowing waking you up. The trip to the cabin was at least 4 hours.
The pounding headache that had not been present when you woke up this morning was now throbbing behind your eyes, making it difficult to focus on anything else.
You were dressed to impress, wearing black flared pants that accentuated your legs, paired with your favorite Chanel boots that added a touch of luxury to your outfit. Your tight red turtle neck hugged your figure perfectly, highlighting your curves in all the right places.
Satoru, on the other hand, opted for a more comfortable yet classy look. He wore a cozy sweater, with a long white t-shirt peeking out underneath. His blue Dickies pants were held up by a stylish Gucci belt.
Your muscles ached from sitting in the same position for hours on end. As you shifted in your seat, you could feel the soreness spreading through your body, making it hard to focus on anything else. Satoru’s black Tucker jacket was stretched on your thighs. Nervously you began to play with the collar.
You wanted to get up and stretch, but the stern expression on Satoru's face made you think twice. You could tell he was deep in thought and didn't want to be disturbed, so you pursed your lips and remained silent.
You couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if things were different. In another universe, perhaps you and Satoru could have a great relationship. Maybe you could even be more than just friends. You couldn't deny the fact that Satoru was incredibly attractive, with his charm and poise only adding to his perfection.
You checked your phone, clicking on the small button for it to turn on. Great, no service. You threw it back inside your purse before looking out the window. The snow continuously falling down as you made your way to your cabin.
Maybe in another life, he had met his true love and they lived a happy life together. Perhaps you both could have had fulfilling relationships with your own partners, instead of being stuck in an unhappy marriage.
As you caught sight of the cabin nestled in the woods, you felt a wave of relief wash over you. Multiple cars, all of them expensive models, were parked in the front, giving you a sense of security.
You sat up straighter in your seat, mentally preparing yourself for the meeting ahead, and gathered all your belongings as Satoru expertly parked the car next to a sleek and luxurious Rolls-Royce.
As you stepped out of the car, the cold air nipped at your exposed skin. You shivered and pulled your coat tighter around you, grateful for the warmth it provided.
Satoru, noticing your discomfort, immediately came over to you and took his jacket from your hands, gently putting it on. You smiled gratefully at him as he wrapped his arm around your waist, leading you towards your destination.
As Satoru closed the car door, he reached for your hand, intertwining his long fingers with yours. You felt a sense of security and warmth flood through you as you admired the beauty of the cabin. The snow falling gently around the roof added to the picturesque scene, making it even more enchanting.
"Satoru!" You instantly recognized the voice of the woman. Her long, brown hair swayed as she made her way towards the two of you, a bright smile on her face.
The woman embraced Satoru, pulling him close in a warm hug. As she stepped back, you recognized her as the lady from the party in Santorini. "I'm so glad you could make it," she said with a smile, gesturing for you both to come inside.
"It's freezing out here." You could see her breath in the cold winter air, her words serving as a reminder of the chilly weather outside.
The only thing different about her was the baby bump she was missing. Satoru, with his long and lean figure, walked alongside you as you made your way towards the entrance. His height was quite impressive, making you feel small in comparison. As Shoko beckoned you to join her inside, you eagerly followed, not wanting to waste any time.
As you entered the warm, bustling room, you took a moment to take in the scene. The majority of the guests from the party were already here, chatting and laughing with each other.
You quickly removed your boots, shaking off the snow and placed them by the door. Your feet were cold, so you grabbed your trusty pair of uggs and slipped them on, feeling the warmth and comfort immediately.
As you and Satoru walked inside, you couldn't help but notice the stares of everyone around you. Many of them were his friends, who you had met during your time together. One of them, feeling sympathetic, offered to take your luggage to your room for you.
You gratefully handed it over, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders. It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot to you in that moment. You gave him a smile and a word of thanks before turning back to Satoru.
You found yourself comfortably seated on the plush couch. Everyone seemed to be engaged in conversations, their voices blending together in a pleasant symphony. From the couch, you had a clear view of the room, filled with warm lighting and cozy furnishings.
"So Shoko, where exactly is the baby?" Satoru inquired, removing his jacket and draping it over your lap. As he did so, you couldn't help but notice his veiny hands, a common feature of his. He placed his hand on your thigh, the veins popping out even more prominently.
"Hes sleeping but once hes awake your one of the first people he’ll meet," she said with a smile. She got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen.
Satoru felt a sudden jolt as a hand was placed on his shoulder, causing him to snap his neck in surprise to see who it was. His eyes widened as he recognized the person standing behind him - Geto.
His friend “Getou” was tall, towering over most people he encountered. His long black hair was usually tied back in a ponytail, but today it hung loosely around his face. He was dressed in all black, a black sweatshirt and matching black pants that seemed to be a staple in his wardrobe.
However, his appearance was overshadowed by the noticeable dark circles under his eyes, hinting at the fact that he was having trouble sleeping. He looked tired and worn out, as if he had been carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Feeling a sense of loneliness, you watched as Satoru quickly got up and left, seemingly forgetting about your existence. As you sat alone, people stopped by to ask about your well-being and how your marriage was going, but it was something you had grown accustomed to.
The constant inquiries and reminders of your failed marriage only added to the feeling of isolation and heartache.
"Y/N!" Surprisingly, you instantly recognized that voice as your college friend. Your heart warmed as you turned to face her, a huge smile spreading across your face. It had been years since you last saw each other, but it felt like no time had passed at all.
As you saw your old friend, "Utahime?", you couldn't help but break into a wide smile. Your cheeks began to hurt from the sheer joy and excitement of seeing her again after so long. You practically jumped into her arms, hugging her tightly.
The familiar scent of her Coco Chanel perfume filled your nostrils, bringing back a flood of memories from your college days together.
"It's been so long!" she exclaimed, her voice full of genuine surprise and delight. She quickly pulled you into a tight embrace, her hands gripping the sides of your arms. "What brings you here?" she asked with a smile.
"I'm actually married now," you replied, a mixture of happiness and nervousness bubbling inside of you.
Her eyes lit up with that familiar look she always gave you, a look that made you feel seen and loved. It was as if no time had passed between the two of you, and you couldn't help but feel grateful to have her in your life.
"It's amazing how life can surprise us," she said as she motioned for you to join her outside. You sat down on the chairs, huddled together by the warm fire. Looking at the stars, she continued, "Out of all the people I met in college, I never would have guessed that you would be the one to settle down so early. You were always the adventurous type, ready to take on the world."
She smiled at you, "But I guess love has a way of changing us, doesn't it?" You smiled back, grateful for her understanding and support. As the fire crackled and the night grew darker, you shared stories and laughs. grateful for the unexpected turn your life had taken.
You talked for what seemed like hours on end, catching up with her felt like a fairytale. She shared all the exciting details of her life over the past few years, including graduating college and finding her dream job.
"So here I am, personally, as a Gynecologist," Utahime said, looking at shoko, who was gently rocking her baby back and forth, who looked up at you with interest.
"And Shoko here is an endocrinologist," she continued, gesturing towards her. “We both have specialized medical knowledge, but in different areas of expertise.”
Shoko got up from her seat and decided to sit next to you and Utahime. "Is that so? I'm so glad everything turned out to be good for you," you said, smiling warmly at Utahime. As you looked at her, you noticed a shift in her facial features. Her previously tense and worried expression had transformed into one of relief and contentment.
As you saw her for the first time in years, you couldn't help but notice the changes in her appearance. Her face had matured, no longer the round and soft baby face you remembered. Instead, she now had a more stern and defined structure, giving her a sense of authority and experience.
Despite the visible scar on her face, she seemed to radiate a glow that only added to her beauty.
The woman spoke softly, her voice filled with genuine concern. "I know how much you and Satoru have been wanting to have a baby," she said, leaning in closer. "As a gynecologist, I have some tips and advice that could help you both. And if you ever need any check-ups or consultations, you are more than welcome to come to my office." Her warm smile and the flickering light from the fire highlighted the purple strands in her hair, making her seem almost ethereal.
"Well, that's the thing," you said, looking at Shoko. "You're an endocrinologist, right?” Shoko nodded, her focus shifting to wrapping her newborn baby in a warmer blanket.
You were nervous and hesitant to ask, but you needed to know. "They're the ones who specialize in hormones," you said, your voice shaky. "Do you also specialize in infertility?" You raised an eyebrow, trying to gauge their reaction.
Utahime and Shoko exchanged a concerned look before turning back to you. Their expressions were serious as they nodded their heads in confirmation. You let out a sigh of relief, grateful that you had found doctors who could help you with your fertility struggles.
"Yes, why? Are you having trouble getting pregnant?" she asked, tilting her head in concern. The fire crackled loudly, each second passing by filled with tension and worry.
"My family has a history of hormone imbalances and fertility problems, and I wanted to get tested to see if I may have inherited these issues. Plus, it would be reassuring to get tested by someone I know and trust," you explained to your friend.
As you spoke, her expression softened and she absentmindedly played with her baby's chubby hands while listening. Her support and understanding made you feel more at ease about the situation.
“Absolutely, you know what. I’ll send Satoru my info-“ you quickly interrupted her.
"No no no," you pleaded, "he cannot know about this. Please." You looked away from her piercing stare, feeling ashamed and afraid that she might go and tell your husband. The secret you were keeping was eating away at you, and the thought of your husband finding out was unbearable.
“Of course, you’re my friend after all. Here,” She grabbed her purse.
"Can you hold him for just a moment?" She asked, handing you her baby. You couldn't resist the urge to reach out and take the little bundle into your arms. He immediately stared at you, his dark brown eyes searching your face curiously.
You couldn't help but smile at the adorable little face looking up at you. "He's so cute," you commented, and the mother beamed with pride. "Thank you, I'm glad you think so. He seems to like you," she replied, noticing how her baby was now reaching out towards you.
You couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth and connection with the little one in your arms, even though you had just met. It was a small moment, but it brought a smile to your face and warmed your heart.
As the baby's chubby hands grasped onto your finger and their big eyes looked up at you in innocent wonder, you couldn't help but feel a sense of warmth and joy.
You found yourself gently playing with the baby, making silly faces and noises that made them giggle and coo. In that moment, all your worries and troubles seemed to fade away, replaced by the pure happiness of being in the presence of a child.
As you held the baby in your arms, you couldn't help but think about the possibility of being infertile. The thought of not being able to have a child of your own was heartbreaking. However, in this moment, with the chubby-cheeked baby in your arms, all those worries faded away.
You brought the baby closer, feeling his soft breaths against your skin. As he began playing with your hair, you couldn't help but admire him. He was a spitting image of Shoko, with her almond-shaped eyes and button nose, but he also had features that definitely resembled Geto, like his pale skin and black hair.
“Here you go,” As you thanked the kind woman, she handed you a small card with the name and address of her clinic. You quickly stuffed it into your pants pocket, grateful for the potential help it may offer in the future.
"You know," she said with a playful grin, "if you like him so much you can keep him." She joked, giggling at the face you made. You couldn't help but laugh along with her, knowing she was just teasing you.
"I think I'll pass," you replied, still smiling. "I'd rather just borrow him every once in a while." She rolled her eyes, but her smile never faltered.
The glass door slid open, revealing Satoru and Geto standing on the other side with bottles of beer in their hands. As soon as your husband laid eyes on you and the baby in your arms, his gaze immediately turned to you with a mixture of surprise and concern.
"I'm just kidding Y/N," Shoko said with a laugh, getting up from her seat as the baby started to cry. "Well, that's my cue to give him to his father." She walked over to Satoru and Geto, who were deep in conversation and cracking jokes.
You couldn't help but smile as you heard Satoru's deep and attractive laugh, something you didn't get to hear often. "Looks like I'll have to leave the baby duties to you two," Shoko teased, handing the baby over to Satoru. "But seriously, thank you both for all your help." Satoru and Geto both nodded, Satoru’s face softening as he held the baby in his arms.
"My back is killing me," Shoko groaned, raising her arms above her head as she walked back towards you and Utahime. "I need to relax my muscles," she added, letting out a loud yawn.
"There's a Jacuzzi, you know..." Utahime said with a sly grin, standing up and flipping on the back lights. The entire back area was aluminized, giving it a sleek and futuristic look.
"Wow, this is amazing!" exclaimed Shoko stepping closer to get a better look at the Jacuzzi.
"Right? It's perfect for those cold winter nights," Utahime replied with a playful wink.
You couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment as you looked at the huge jacuzzi on the back deck of the vacation rental.
The bubbles were constantly popping and rising to the surface, making it look so inviting. However, you realized that you had forgotten to pack a bathing suit, and there was nothing remotely close to one in your luggage.
You cursed yourself for not double-checking your packing list and felt frustrated that you wouldn't be able to enjoy the relaxing hot tub.
"Well, I'm going up to get my bathing suit because I definitely need to relax in the jacuzzi," shoko said with a frown.
You politely said your goodbyes and slipped away unnoticed into the cabin. As you entered, the cozy atmosphere of the rustic cabin embraced you, providing a welcome respite from the chilly evening air.
The soft glow of the fireplace and the gentle sound of crackling wood immediately put you at ease. You couldn't help but notice the other guests lost in their own thoughts, some reading by the fire, others playing board games at the kitchen table.
Exhaustion finally caught up to you and you let out a tired yawn, rubbing your eyes as you made your way to your room. The warm and comfortable bed awaited you, promising a peaceful night's rest.
The door opened with a small creek, the wodden floor echoing each step you took. You practically stripped yourself off your clothes. Grabbing one of your cozy night gowns you smoothly slid it on.
As you entered the room, the old wooden door creaked open, the sound echoing through the quiet space. The familiar scent of the room enveloped you, bringing a sense of comfort and relaxation.
With each step, the wooden floorboards groaned under your weight. Finally reaching your closet, you couldn't wait to change into something more comfortable. As you stripped off your clothes, you felt the tension of the day slowly dissipate.
Your hand reached for your favorite night gown, the soft fabric sliding smoothly over your skin as you slipped it on, instantly feeling at ease in your own home.
As you settled into the plush queen bed, you couldn't help but notice how dim the room was with the lights off. It was the perfect ambiance for a good night's sleep, and you were grateful for the extra blankets you packed.
The hotel's blankets were thin and barely provided any warmth, but luckily you came prepared. You closed your eyes and let the softness of the bed and the coziness of the blankets lull you into a peaceful slumber.
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Satoru didn’t know if it was the alcohol in his system that made him do this or the fact that he genuinely wanted you.
Before getting drunk, he spent the whole night with Getous baby, rocking and playing with him. As he watched you hold the child, he couldn't help but feel a strange flutter in his stomach. Maybe it was the way your hair fell into place, or the pure joy he saw in your face as you interacted with the baby. He couldn't explain this feeling, but it was undeniable. It was in that moment that he realized he was falling for you, and it scared him.
Despite his dislike for alcohol, he found himself in an inebriated state, stumbling up the stairs to your room. He was usually a responsible and controlled individual, but today was different. He was grateful that his phone had little to no service, freeing him from the constant barrage of messages from Jiyuu.
He felt a sense of relief and freedom from her constant demands for his time and attention. However, deep down, he knew that this temporary escape would only lead to more problems in the long run.
He finally made it to the room, carefully navigating his way in the dark. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he stumbled on nothing but air, making sure not to trip over any obstacles in his path. Once he reached his destination, he quickly took off his shoes and closed the restroom door behind him. As he fumbled for the light switch, he could feel the familiar sting of bright light hitting his eyes. He took a moment to recompose his vision before continuing what he was doing.
As he stood in front of the bathroom sink, he turned on the cold water, the sound of it filling the room. He ran his fingers through the water, feeling its coolness against his skin. Taking a deep breath, he momentarily splashed his face with the water, feeling its refreshing touch. He then leaned in closer to the mirror, studying his reflection and the emotions that played across his face.
"Well fuck, I look like shit," he muttered to himself as he caught a glimpse of his tired reflection in the mirror. He had barely gotten any sleep nowadays, the bags under his eyes a testament to his hectic schedule.
Spending most of his nights either working his ass off or going over to Jiyuu's house and well, fucking her brains out. He couldn't deny that the physical release helped him relax and forget about his stress for a little while, but it was taking a toll on his appearance and overall well-being.
Thats all that seemed to happen in his life. Jiyuu would call him late at night for her needs, never once asking him how he was doing. Everything was rough with her, the sex was always aggressive and the kisses were forceful.
Even their relationship was characterized by constant arguments and tension. Every time he tried to talk to her about his feelings, she would brush him off and turn the conversation back to herself. It was clear that she only cared about her own needs and desires, leaving him feeling used and unfulfilled.
He couldn't believe it. As he walked into the bathroom, he saw his toothbrush already in the cup next to the sink. A wave of annoyance washed over him. "Of course," he scoffed, "the perfect little wife you were had to also pack the miserable husband things." But as he thought about it more, he realized that this small act was just another reminder of how much his wife cared for him.
You always made sure he had everything he needed, even if it was just a toothbrush.
As he stood in front of the bathroom mirror, he couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt wash over him. He knew he had treated you poorly, but in his mind, you were the reason for his strained relationship with Jiyuu. He loved her deeply, and the thought of losing her was unbearable.
Without another thought, he turned off the lights and closed the bathroom door, not caring about the freezing temperatures outside. Stripping off his shirt, he couldn't shake off the feeling that he had made a mistake, but he was too stubborn to admit it.
As he gazed at you, the soft glow of the moon enhanced your features, making your skin look radiant and your hair appear to shimmer. The gentle rise and fall of your chest as you breathed added to your allure, making him wonder how someone could look so effortlessly beautiful even in sleep.
He couldn't help but feel a pull towards you, admiring the peaceful expression on your face and the way your body seemed to fit perfectly into the bed. It was almost as if you were made for this moment, and he couldn't resist the urge to reach out and touch you, feeling the warmth of your skin and the gentle rise and fall of your chest beneath his fingertips.
Despite the late hour, he couldn't tear his eyes away from you, captivated by the tranquil and alluring image you presented.
The moonlight cascaded over your exposed shoulders and collarbone, highlighting the curves and contours of your body. The strap of your nightgown had slipped off one shoulder, revealing more of your smooth, glowing skin. As he climbed into bed with you, he couldn't help but feel a rush of desire and anticipation. You eagerly wrapped your arms around Satoru, pulling him closer as the warmth of his body enveloped you.
He didn’t know why but here he was rock hard at just staring at your face.
He couldnt resist it anymore, slowly he placed his hand on top of your ass messaging the soft muscle.
Maybe it was the alcohol that made him want to fuck you so bad right now, or it was finally him excepting the fact that you were undeniably beautiful.
However, in this moment, his desire for you was too strong. He couldn't resist the temptation any longer. As he gently shook you, he knew he shouldn't be doing this, but he couldn't help himself. Satoru was usually calm and collected, never crossing boundaries with women.
Despite his loyalty to Jiyuu, he had been intimate with other partners in the past. But right now, none of that mattered. All he wanted was you.
Yeah they were attractive and good at sex but yet he never found himself waking them up just to put his cock inside of them.
“mmm,” you opened your eyes, your lips pinker than ever. In this moment Satoru couldn’t sworn that look alone made him cum.
"Shit, can I fuck you?" You were startled to say the least, but a part of you couldn't deny that you wanted this. Raising an eyebrow, you couldn't even form a coherent response before you felt Satoru's lips hungrily press against yours. His hands tangled in your hair as he deepened the kiss, sending shivers down your spine.
You couldn't help but moan in response, your body betraying your initial shock. Satoru pulled away, a smirk on his lips as he whispered, "I'll take that as a yes." And in that moment, you could practically feel your knees buckle.
Satoru guided his hands across your body, exploring every inch and leaving a trail of tingling sensations in their wake. As he pulled you into another heated kiss, his lips moved with a fiery passion against yours. His hands trailed down to your lower back, giving a gentle squeeze that sent shivers down your spine.
You couldn't help but moan as he deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring every corner of your mouth. His touch was electric, igniting a fire within you that you couldn't resist.
You could feel your panties getting more wet by the second. His strong hands gripping your body.
"Satoru," you gasped as he continued to trail kisses down your neck, his hands roaming over your body.
"I can't get enough of you," he whispered, his voice husky with desire. "I want more," he growled, his lips finding yours again as he deepened the kiss.
"Me too," you moaned, your hands tangling in his hair as you pulled him closer. The two of you were lost in the heat of the moment, unable to resist each other any longer.
As his long fingers trailed down your body, they eventually made their way to your panties. You could feel yourself getting wetter and wetter with each passing second, the anticipation of what was to come sending shivers down your spine.
He couldn't help but smirk as he saw just how drenched your panties were, a clear indication of how much you wanted him. Without hesitation, he moved the side of your panties and began to circle his thumb around your clit, sending jolts of pleasure through your body.
You couldn't help but arch your back as his cold thumb made contact with your sensitive folds, the sensation only adding to the intense arousal you were feeling.
"You're so wet for me,"Satoru murmured, a mischievous grin spreading across his face as he slid two fingers inside of you. Your pussy clenched around them, pleasure coursing through your body.
"Shit Toru.." you moaned, unable to contain yourself as his fingers expertly hit all the right spots. "You have to be quiet," he reminded you, his deep husky voice sending shivers down your spine. His lips found yours, silencing any further noises as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of you.
The intensity of his touch and the forbidden nature of the situation only added to your arousal.
Satoru couldn’t deny his attraction towards you, the way you squeezed your eye shut when you were about to cum or the way your eyebrows creased each time he fucked you harder.
"You think I didn't notice you with the baby?" You opened your eyes, struggling to make eye contact with your husband as he continued to finger you.
He pulled his obnoxiously long fingers out of your drenching wet cunt and gave you a wicked smile. "Since you want to pretend to be a mommy so bad, I'll make you one." He unbuckled his pants, his hard cock practically twitching with excitement as he stared down at your pussy.
You couldn't help but feel a little nervous as he positioned himself between your legs. He rubbed his hard long cock on your entrance, biting your lip you moaned as he slowly began to enter you.
"God, you feel so good," he grunted, his hands gripping your hips tightly. "You're gonna be such a hot mommy," he whispered in your ear, sending shivers down your spine
He began to fuck you, the sound of the bed squeaking and your skin slapping together filled the room. His toned abs flexed every time he entered you, sending waves of pleasure throughout your body. You felt like you were on cloud 9, completely lost in the moment.
His strong hands gripped your waist tightly, his fingers digging into your skin as he thrust into you with a powerful force. Each time his cock filled you, it made you go crazy with ecstasy. You couldn't help but moan and whimper in pleasure as he took you with such intensity.
His dick twitched inside of your pussy, your walls clenching each time he slid in and out of you. "You're so big, Toru," you moaned, your eyes brimming with tears of pleasure. He was so huge, and you loved every inch of him.
His white hair was stuck to his sweaty forehead as he continued to fuck you, his body glistening with sweat. Suddenly, he grabbed one of your legs and swung it over his shoulder, changing the angle and hitting a spot inside of you that made you see stars.
He groaned, making eye contact with you and admiring how beautiful you looked taking in his huge dick. You could feel his cock twitching inside of you, signaling that he was getting close to his release.
"Mmm, babe….your tits are getting so…big," Satoru groaned as he squeezed and massaged your breasts, sending shivers of pleasure through your body. You moaned in response, your hands running through his hair as he trailed wet kisses down your neck.
"I can't wait to see how big they'll get when you're pregnant," he whispered, his hot breath tickling your skin. You arched your back, pressing your body closer to his as he continued to thrust into you with increasing fervor.
"Fuck, Mmm…Satoru," you gasped, the pleasure building inside you.
He chuckled darkly, his hand slipping down to your abdomen. "Just imagine how sexy you'll look with my baby growing inside you," he said, his voice low and husky with desire.
You whimpered as he hit a particularly sensitive spot, your body trembling with pleasure. "Please, Satoru, I need you to cum in me" you begged, your nails digging into his back.
He gave a feral growl in response, his thrusts becoming more urgent as he neared his release. "You're mine, baby," he grunted, his eyes locked on yours. "And I'm gonna make you a mommy." With one final, powerful thrust, he spilled inside you, sending you both over the edge into blissful ecstasy.
His hot semen filled your pussy, your legs twitching before he got off you and layed next to you.
Despite the numerous times you and your husband have had sex, this particular time felt different.
For the first time, there was a real sense of intimacy and connection between the two of you.
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ps: had to cut this chapter short but i ended up changing the angsty part for chap 5, gotta give my girl y/n a break for whats about to come…
taglist; @allofffmypeaches @shycreatorsandwich @ryumurin @cloudsinthecosmos @4-everm-0-re @kurookinnie @bluebreadenthusiast @haurno @fouyumixuri @numblytemporary @spin-garden @oyaoya-bungeegum @we-loveebony @katteddie86 @mine-lu @rosso-seta @sunehry @lavender-hvze @kneesheee @chilichopsticks @muchlov3ashley @mystarlightswiftt @actualdeemon @hojoslutoru @polarbvnny @getoicious @bennysbunnies @attaziante @ioveartfilm
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minsh0e · 2 days
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mini astrology observations 2/?
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hi hi ! i am back with another mini astrology observations. I want to thank you all for such an amazing reaction to my “work”, and for all your positive/negative comments that you left for me. these opinions make me realize a lot and will definitely make me grow further in the future… before you move on to the reading, i want to say, that I am not a professional, so take everything lightly. as always, have fun reading <3
p.s. - photos are mine :)
...
☆ people with empty 1st house may lack life guidance or be less aggressive while voicing their opinions. on the contrary though, they might judge people based on their personality and manners, not appearance or first impressions.
☆ libra risings literally don’t have to wear makeup as they look/feel better without it
☆ in my first/last observations, i talked about the mars and/trine venus synastry and how it can be the first thing that pulls you in. in this case, mars represents the man and venus represents the woman. last time, i talked about how i got attracted to the men, who have mars in the same element as my venus but i haven´t mentioned, that all of them had virgo mars...
i have a theory of mine (that i observed on me and others) in which venus mostly gets attracted to the mars sign of same element that is positioned clockwise (e.g. scorpio -> cancer) and mars mostly gets attracted to the venus that is positioned anti-clockwise (cancer -> scorpio)…i have, however, observed this on people who are attracted to the opposite gender not the same gender, therefore, i can’t really tell you nothing about how this works for homosexuals.
-> please let me know what you think about this/what are your experiences if you have time :)
☆ this is a very random observation that you can skip if you want to…our dog it considered to be beautiful by most of the people we met/meet. he has shiny, colorful fur, symmetrical face and body color placements. i decided to check out his natal chart for fun and found out, that he has libra venus in 5th house…interpret this as you want, but i guess, that you can really apply astrology to anything :)
☆ people with sagittarius mars are the ones, who love the sports/movement the most. they are amazing at doing anything physical, so you can literally see them being great at any sport…even if they do it for the first time. they may be interested in a lot different kinds too.
☆ those with lilith in 8th house get sexualized/objectified a lot. if you have lilith (or any other lilith) in this house, you were most likely introduced to the “sexual” more early in your life and matured more faster then your other peers. also, you might be randomly called/shouted at by other disrespectful people on the streets…i was really surprised to find out, that this is not really talked about that much, so here i am…
☆ another observation i talked about in past were pisces/12th house placements. i talked about how sleepy and tired they can get without any specific reason but let me tell you…all the water signs/house placements get like this and it's mostly because of said no reason or when they get tired just by thinking about working on something/having to describe something to the other person. they treasure their energy and how they spend it.
☆ degrees are a very important part of reading an astrology…if you have time, please learn/read about them
the end.
these observations were slightly shorter, so i am sorry about that :(
again, feel free to leave your feedback :)
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cat-eared-dollwitch · 22 hours
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The doll felt its witch’s arms gently snake under its own. She held its brass and porcelain body against her, her grasp soft and tentative.
“If I asked you to hurt me, would you?” She asked her doll. Her voice was quiet and fragile. Something was wrong.
The doll hugged its witch back, thinking. Pseudo-flesh on a titanium frame. They were both dolls of a sort. Porcelain fingers splayed out on the witch’s lower back, feeling through the fabric of her shirt the tightness of synthetic muscle around her spine. Its witch liked it when that valley in between muscle groups just above the base of her tail got massaged. It had a calming effect on her. It usually made her purr, actually, but in that moment her throat stayed silent.
“I would never hurt you, ma’am.” the doll intoned.
“Even if I asked you nicely?” the witch asked, then gently nuzzled her face into the crook of the doll’s neck.
“Negative.”
Her voice was muffled by the fabric of the doll’s dress when she spoke again. “Or if I ordered you?”
The doll felt something twist in its clockwork heart. Its hands froze on its witch’s back, the massage halted. “I… think that would make this one very sad, ma’am.” It’s voice wavered a little, emotion just barely showing through.
“Oh..” the witch squeezed its doll a little tighter in her embrace.
The doll didn’t want to think about hurting its witch. The very idea made it want to cry. It said as much, voice almost breaking from the feeling in its chest. “Being forced to hurt you would make this one cry.”
The witch flinched a little. “I-I’m sorry. I won’t ask you about something like that again.”
“It is alright, ma’am.” it intoned simply. The sadness slowly began to drain out of its frame and its hands started to knead and rub its witch’s back again.
The witch was silent for a few moments, then asked another question. “If I was hurt, would you tend to my wounds?”
“Without question.” Her doll answered immediately.
The doll felt the witch shake softly. “Thank you.” she murmured against her doll’s dress.
“There is no need for thanks. Taking care of you is my job, ma’am. It would be an honor to bandage your wounds.”
A shaky half purr escaped her throat. “Thank you anyway.” she said.
“If you were broken into one thousand pieces, this one would stitch every shard back together, one by one, until you were whole again.” it said, finding its voice full of a conviction that it didn’t realize it had that much of.
“Oh doll...” the witch murmured and more shaky purring followed. And as a tail curled softly around its leg, the doll realized its shoulder was getting wet. Its witch was crying.
“Ma’am?” the doll queried.
A fragile “Mhm?” in between broken purring was all it got in response.
“Care you.”
Its witch sobbed once, an ugly sob ripped free from a throat already occupied by self-comforting vibrations. The doll held her tighter, close and secure.
“Safe.” it said simply, one word carrying the weight of so much more than just its dictionary meaning.
The witch took a moment to get her shuddering breath under control. She sniveled. “Safe.” she rasped back. She was safe. “Thank you. Care you too.” she added, and meant it with her whole artificial heart.
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bikini-kill-pilled · 10 hours
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im really interested in the revival of riot grrrl; i think its absolutely possible for it to make a comeback, and i could even argue that it never actually went away...i mean, its definitely lost a bit of its edge, but their are bands coming out in its genre and they keep the spirit alive. anyway, the essential thing for the revival is that riot grrrl fixes its previous mistakes. i hate when people try to trivialize its importance because i do think it made a difference in the small span of time that it was really popular, but the main issues were how whitewashed it was, how it mostly focused on middle/upper suburban women, and how it (in my opinion mostly) centered a lot around reclaiming femininity, thereby neglecting gnc women who don't WANT to reclaim it. i found a cool article on black women in the feminist punk movement--specifically how they made their own movement, sista grrrl riot--and these quotes stood out to me. this ones by musician tamar kali brown:
"Being in this urban jungle, I was a different type of girl. I was hearing what they were saying, but I was living in an environment where people were getting stabbed. Riot Grrrl felt like a bubblegum expression. I was bald, and I would get a lot of negative attention that bordered on violence, so I wasn't in the world of [baby voice] 'You just think I can't play because I'm a girl!'
and this one by laronda davis:
"I never looked at a magazine and thought that that was what I was supposed to look like. On one hand, it's actually kind of liberating to not be what this standard of womanhood is. That standard put a lot of women in boxes, and they spend their li[ves] trying to get out of the box. Black women were never allowed in the box. I wasn't looking at TV saying, 'Oh, that represents me.' I wasn't listening to music telling about my experience. I had experiences that told me I wasn't concerned with these things that the happy songs were about."
(article here)
all in all i think what riot grrrl needs to change is its idea of a universal female childhood in their songs that we can all relate to. it kind of sucks to say but really all women do have in common are the stereotypes we're given, and when punk women criticized and defied those stereotypes they really shone; i was reading that people called kathleen hanna writing "slut" on her stomach white feminism and i was like....err. sexualization is something all women are subjected to. i've just been in a bit of a rabbit hole which started when i researched the history of trans people in riot grrrl, then to modern times when i found a claim that kathleen hanna had stopped using the line "all girls to the front" and edited her riot grrrl manifesto, and finally ended here with me thinking "man, riot grrrl's spirit is needed now more than ever, but like we need to make it WAAAAYYY better so it actually works out". the good news is, like i said, it hasn't actually faded out of mainstream consciousness.
i might add on to this in later posts. sorry if it's messy.
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dangermousie · 2 days
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Finished Blossoms in Adversity.
It was a pretty flawed drama, and Hu Yitian remains the second least watchable leading man in cdramas for me but it really was consistently the airing drama I'd watch FIRST - it really was an addicting watch despite its flaws.
The best thing? I don't know how they managed to get it past the censors, but they actually had the emperor as the Big Bad.
He was the one who exiled FL's family men unjustly, he was the one who punished and messed with her because he didn't like his nephew caring for anyone outside of him, and as the above scene indicates, even his gaslit/brainwashed/enmeshed in abused fashion nephew finally had enough. Every positive character who had an opinion hated him (FL literally called him out at one point!) and all the negative ones did too. He was not shown to do any of his petty, cruel, arbitrary things for the greater good but because he was a paranoid, self-absorbed man.
The best part? No last minute, death bed redemption of any kind. You think there would be one, as he lies dying from poison (inflicted by his own son! with the help of a foreign agent who is portrayed as justified and sympathetic!) but nope. Gu Yanxi, who realistically still loves his abusive as fuck father figure (because that's how it goes in rl), is all "I am sorry for stuff I did/said, I still love you, I will remain security head blah blah") and I expected the emperor to say he loved him and no pls go live your best life, find your happiness, I am sorry for being a bastard daddy etc etc but NOPE. Emperor just says "Yanxi" and croaks. (And same with his one remaining child, the sixth prince. He does not repent for how he treated his small son who saved his life, he does not appoint him heir etc. It's the dowager who trots the kid out.)
It's pretty telling that everyone gets a happy ending but only after the old monster croaks. The kid emperor pardons the Hua men who come back, Yanxi gives up his awful job and gets married and he and Hua Zhi peace the hell out of politics and business and just travel the world all over with no responsibilities etc etc.
I also liked how realistically tailored to various people the ending was in terms of happiness. Youngest uncle and aunt and their daughter go traveling, and I loved that - they were my faves except for sister and her OTP. Sister and her boo are in court, SML (who really wasn't - he never really pined and barely showed up) is a royal tutor, various younger married ladies have their own happiness (and I love that for one of them, it's a very realistic happiness of ruling her not attractive husband's concubines, business and household and getting his respect and buy in. She was neither looking for nor getting true love and that was fine with her) and the older generation of women also finding their calling that isn't just about the husbands (business, charity work etc etc.)
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twilightofthe · 2 years
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Hey y’all!  
Just figured I should say hi to some of y’all since I realize I haven’t been the most talkative on here as of late
Here’s why.
I am fighting Star Wars fandom burnout so hard.  So, so hard.
This media meant more to me than any media ever had for a long, long long time.  It still holds this near and dear spot to me in my heart.  But now it’s just like, losing the magic, losing the love, losing the passion, and I am 1000% blaming it on Disney and its need to fuck the skeleton of every dead horse they drag back out of the grave.
Basically it’s like, there’s too much content?  And yeah some of it is content that I LIKE, like.  I’ve been begging for more Rebels content since it ended over four years ago and now we’re finally getting the return of at least Sabine Hera and Ezra!  We’re getting a Cassian show and I LOVED Cassian in Rogue One and never dreamed I’d get more content of him!  We had an Obi Wan and Anakin show with baby Skytwins. WE HAD AN OBI WAN AND ANAKIN SHOW WITH BABY SKYTWINS.  Like, if you had offered me any of this stuff back in like, 2017, I would have lost my goddamn mind, I would have been ecstatic, the Obi Wan show alone would have made me have a heart attack and die of excitement alone and haunt the shit out of the show as a ghost so I didn’t miss a single millisecond of it.
But now I’m just like.  Recoiling from all of Disney’s new planned release announcements?  Like I’m looking at all of these ideas and I’m just sighing wearily over the Mando S3 trailer and grunting cynically at the Tales of the Jedi like “hmm whose characterization are they going to fuck up this time” and Andor is so close and I’m scraping the bottom of my barrel to try and find the joy to watch it and rolling my eyes at Ezra casting rumors like “ok yeah sure but it’s in the fucking Ahsoka show they won’t do him justice anyway” and I hate it so much, because this is Star Wars, and I love Star Wars so, so much!
Like this is my universe with my favorite disaster blorbos and the creative worlddbuilding and the magic that I fell in love with, and not being able to find excitement in that is breaking my heart???
Like, I don’t know, it just feels like it’s getting too big for me?  Like they’re adding on more and more to the story and I’m struggling to keep up and none of it is even mattering to me anymore because they’re just going to dump more on top of me before I can even breathe.
Quite literally drowning in content.
I love chocolate cake, it’s like Disney heard me say I love chocolate cake and now they just keep force-feeding me more and more and more chocolate cake even when I’m full, even when I need time to digest, even when while I still love chocolate cake, maybe I’d prefer some vanilla ice cream instead, no they just keep shoveling it in and my stomach is going to rupture.
And it doesn’t make sense and I feel like a bad fan or someone who doesn’t care enough, because I’m seeing OTHER people in the fandom who have been around for just as long as me or longer and they’re still going strong!  They’re still having fun!  They’re not letting the circumstances cramp their genuine, shining joy for the characters and stories they love, and I want that.  I’m jealous of them that I can’t do that, and feeling guilty as shit that I’m being like, disloyal or something, or I never really loved it all that much if I could get so tired so easily?
I’m not going anywhere, y’all, I promise.  I’ll be right here and I’ll be excited to watch and reblog for Andor and Tales of the Jedi and Visions volume 2.
But I might be a bit quieter because I’m fighting not to lose something I’ve loved so much for so long.  I need to find that love again.
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taakosleftshoe · 9 months
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i wish people were more open to saying "its not for me" rather than being like "this is objectively bad and here's why"
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jinstronaut · 25 days
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this is also why i stopped using my tracked tag for a while tbh
#and i might do it again bc its just#a reminder that no one rly cares abt what i do / who i am etc#which might sound over dramatic idk how else to describe it tho its just hollow#it feels very much like a Chore and a Task and if i dont reblog things fast enough from my tag#people get very angry and/or upset with me even tho theres just#so much content and i have 0 time so everything gets queued no matter what#like this whole experience feels like a chore lmao#and it never ever used to#but now theres so much animosity if i dont behave / interact with things Properly#or whatever the make believe rules are idk#this dash can just be so negative like have we all truly descended into madness during this hiatus#bc like i get it ive been up and down and all around too but ive never been straight up MEAN to anyone in this community#and i never want to either so this entire situation thats been bubbling for months just feels like shit#bc what the fuck changed and how do we get back to where we were#i never ever ever ever felt this way before like idk the middle of last year#but ever since like last fall its just been idk. Bad#once again im sorry if ive ever done anything to upset anyone but my silence / absence doesnt mean i dont care#ive just been Incredibly busy due to some real life changes that are out of my control#i might not have energy to answer everything but i do Read everything and it does make me smile#and i save messages that are kind in my heart so i can be reminded of the root of what this blog is supposed to be#a space for something im very passionate about and previously had nowhere else to express said passion#so like idk if we all like the same things why does this weird feeling of competition linger over us lmao#why do all ccs have to fight???? each other???? when we all love and do the same things????#i have nothing against anyone personally but what i Do take issue with is the way that ive been doing this since 2021 and im fully just#ignored and shoved aside by so many people for reasons i fully dont know or understand#so yeah idk this is a novel i just woke up from a spontaneous nap bc im so exhausted i can only stay awake for 3 hours at a time#but yeah anyways idk !#be nice its so easy !#tbd
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lucyvaleheart · 1 month
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silenthillbunni · 1 month
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🐁☁️🌫️
#sorry gnna sound like a shit person now but im not feeling well i just need to rant#nothing good ever happens to me. every aspect of my life is a mess. im constantly miserable w nothing to pull me out of it#it's been getting worse nd worse for years nd if it keeps getting worse im not gnna be able to take it much longer#ofc there are sooo many others who have it way way way worse than i do. so i feel weak nd pathetic for being so affected by it when i know#it could be literally sm worse than it is now. like i get that. i know im not nearly as bad off as many ppl are#but idk still it's rlly tough to have *nothing* that makes me keep going. the literal only thing is that i dont kms bc i dont wanna hurt mom#bc im poor so i cant do ANYTHING. i cant go anywhere. not the cinema not concerts not to the mall not to the bookstore not an amusent park#i cant even go to cafées bc i dont have any money at all to spend on that#i have no friends to hang out w. even if i couldnt afford going anywhere i cant even just take a walk or sit nd talk to them bc there r none#my sisters havent talked for me in over a year#and like yada yada i dont have anything to pull me out of my misery bubble. no friends to comfort me no family to hang out w#nothing to do or nowhere to go. hell i havent even been able to eat for 8 months so i cant even like eat smth yummy nd watch a movie lmao#i cant even read bc of the constant noise! i cant go out into the forest bc there r always subway construction work or choppers or gun shots#i know im 'focusing on the negative' but what am i supposed to do when theres nothing positive to focus on lol?????#im always physically uncomfortable bc of pain nd health issues nd im always anxious nd stressed too so like... yay#and. this is where i sound mean but like after years nd years of nothing good happening to me... idc for others anymore like#when they talk abt their loving relationships and their kind friends nd them going to concerts im like.. wow !! u get to be happy!! i dont!!#im just envious nd jealous nd bitter bc why cant i have ANYTHING good???? not just ONE fkn thing?#other ppl get to have multiple things but i get nothing?????#and its not exactly like i hate them or wish illwill on them im just like wow kinda dont feel sympathy for u bc u have sm things#i've never had :))) nd u can never understand how awful it feels to be deprived of it so idc :))))
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brittlebutch · 3 months
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a lot of people seem to use Entry #60 as 'proof' for the crux of the "Brian didn't care about Tim, he was Taking Advantage of Tim's conditions and Forcing him to work as part of totheark" thing, but honestly when you think about it there's no possible way Brian could have possibly orchestrated that series of events, like you almost have to interpret that as a baffling group of coincidences
#N posts stuff#mh lb#it's not like Brian has loads of mutual friends that he could ask to call Tim out one night; Tim's departure right as Brian showed up#just has to be a coincidence ; second yes. Brian does steal Tim's meds & that's a dick move but it's almost safe to assume#that Tim and Brian had been sharing prescriptions back in S1 - that's why the pills were at Brian's house that time Jay broke in#even if Tim no longer remembers that agreement it's not like Brian is brimming with other options so i can see the throughline of it#but there's NO way that Brian knew that 1) Tim was going to immediately turn around and come back home OR#2) be in the throes of an attack when he did so ; there's no Possible way he planned for that -- even if you Could assume that like. what#Brian 'knows' the operator is following him & Somehow orchestrated an encounter 1) no that doesn't make any sense and#2) that Still doesn't make any sense bc Tim has been Plenty Close to the Operator before w/ almost no negative effects (like in#Entry 17 when it's Right behind him) so there's no possible way Brian could have predicted that would unfold this way#sure it's weird he sets up the camera in the closet before Tim comes back but that Could Have been something unrelated#after all sometimes Brian DOES deliberately put himself on camera so someone knows he's responsible for something#or maybe he even planned to leave the camera there for later but it doesn't make Sense to interpret that as him Knowing what would happen#like don't get me wrong i'm not trying to say Brian is a pinnacle of ethics and moral behavior lmfao but also it's like#a kind of incomprehensible argument to make that he was Responsible for Triggering Tim's seizure that night when for all the#information Brian had on hand when he broke in he'd think Tim probably wouldn't be back home until much later#(''but the Creators Clearly intended'' yeah sure but since the creators also failed to establish a coherent series of events that SHOW#it then like. the intent doesn't matter anymore; sure they scripted the events in close succession but that doesn't mean they#scripted Intent & if they meant to then they did a bad job portraying it to the point the supposed intent is meaningless sorry lmao)#and EVEN IF you get this far and you're Still like 'but tim went after Jay and Brian would've Known he'd do that' like. no he wouldn't#because in Entry 18 when we see Tim have a seizure the first thing he does when jay approaches him after it is Run Away#so Again there's no consistent throughline of behaviors that Brian could have Possibly known about to orchestrate jack shit
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archorcist · 3 months
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most of my verses don't factor in adam's death (with the exception of his sinner verse where he returns as a demon) but if and when they do, his death was at the hands of lucifer!
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fuwaprince · 4 months
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When somebody only uses my chosen name while putting me down, it kind of makes me wish I didn't have a name at all.
And when somebody only uses my pronouns when they try to coerce me into something, then switch back to they/them when talking about me to anybody else, it kind of makes me uncomfortable af.
I sincerely do not enjoy being labeled or referred to. Being referred to is such a negative experience for me irl.
Yet not giving people a set of name/pronouns when they ask automatically seems to make them think you're secretly a serial killer trying to cover up something?????? Or like you're untrustworthy and must be hiding because you're a Bad Person instead of just not wanting to label yourself.
Can I just please not be forced to label myself for everybody else's comfort?
I feel like that information is so personally intimate anyways like unless you know me and we're close, why do you even care? I don't think it's necessary for the first stages of getting to know somebody even though in this culture we've normalized it to be that way.
Plus if I don't give you a name then I have the opportunity to earn one. Give me a name that you think I deserve and let it be what you honor me by instead! How about that? It's probably the only way I'll be comfortably perceived since some people will change my labels as they see fit regardless. Just call me what you like, I feel like my name/pronouns have been corrupted as is
#i feel weird about having a name and a gender and pronouns assigned to me.... such a weird thing to make a big deal#i mean it's a big deal as in you need to write names down for job apps#and when i walked in to request for emergency aid the person looking at my case asked for my pronouns#which just felt so irrelevant and it didn't make me feel any more respected#and i can tell some people are so uncomfortable using the pronouns that i say are mine that they'll opt out for ones they give me instead#which is like WHY DID YOU ASK IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO DO THAT ANYWAYS#silly things just don't make sense and to me they bring more trouble than they're worth#those things have been used as weapons against me so why keep giving ammo yk?#also i like the process of earning a nickname#one time this girl got offended that i reffered to her as snake girl the second time we met and i was like???#imagine being offended that somebody remembered you for having 4 corn snakes instead of using your boring old name#like when people call me fuwa i feel like they're honoring me as a blogger#i get it i get it this culture is just so strictly uncreative and boring#if i had a cool new name from each person who knew me i would be so cool with that#like if somebody i met found out i liked sasuke and then started referencing to me as sasuke boy i would actually be so happy#idk dude#also sorry to that girl for calling her snake girl but honestly her loving her 4 snakes actually felt more significant to me than her name#in other cultures they refer to parents as “[insert child's name]'s mom/dad” and it's actually seen as being so respectful#like it's the family bond that gets honored instead of the individual and idk maybe some people take that to be a negative thing but#imagine as a parent loving your kid so much and then everybody identifies you as the parent who loves their kid#maybe that's dehumanizing in a sense idk#i see it as an honorable thing to be bestowed by others#yeah maybe people can be mean and call you “poop boy” for the one time you shit your pants while drunk#i get not liking being called “poop boy” but like dude... you're a legend and the story behind you earning that name would be legendary#idk i guess it's all about perspective#i don't know if I'm making sense#feel free to share thoughts#late night blogging
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janiedean · 4 months
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will get to all your lovely replies asap but for now let me get down the mood with my usual
fuck but i really do hate this month and everything it represents or better the fact that each single year it gets just more miserable
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daz4i · 7 months
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hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know
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pumpking64 · 9 months
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#Jesus fucking Christ#why do some people just. not see the mess they’re making and acknowledge that it’s their responsibility to clean up after themselves??#like. you throw your shoes in the entrance exactly where people walk. you let shared loafers stand outside for several hours#you cook the most simple dinner that one time you cook (mind you the other people have equal shares of making food)#and yet you don’t even manage to clean up after neither the cooking NOR taking the food off the table into the fridge so it doesn’t turn bad#you keep on taking the most easy solution that fits you the best without thinking about others. in a space where we all are exhausted#and I’m so done with it for now tbh. how lazy to not care about the bare necessities for others. how rude to admit to it#AND on top of this. you’ll tell stuff about your country that’s *objectively horrifying* and then add on to that that you love your country#it’s just. so many things. are so so so much of what I’d avoid in a person. a few things is fine. no one’s perfect. but damn there’s a limit#SORRY to anyone who’s read this far but I just. had to get it out#this guy is the one I’m working the closest with these two and a half weeks. hes still a kid kind of. I’m not gonna be mean to him#but damn. my patience. is being tested#AHHH I might delete this tbh. I don’t like showing this side of myself. I don’t want to spread this kind of negativity#I’m just so very frustrated. how a human person can come to this place and be here for SO LONG already#and still not have learnt the basics of living and working together#own post#oh. and all the triggering of intrusive thoughts is not helping your case buddy#(which you can’t really know about so it’s kinda fair but also it’s for bad hygiene stuff mostly and that’s. I mean…..)
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