#sorry I'm going through a lot this week and this is tip of the iceberg stuff

[mellometal]

(I'm going to edit this with added links to resources ASAP. I just don't have all of them saved at the moment. I'm sorry. [Update: I'm gonna just reblog this post with resources. I was trying to edit this post with resources, but the connection was wonky.])

I wanted to make sure I got everything I needed to say in a way that's easy for everyone to understand. I'm gonna be honest, I was genuinely unaware of what has been happening in the world until about a week ago or so due to things going on in my personal life that needed my immediate attention. I've also been struggling a lot, but that's not important right now. Because I was unaware of what was going on in the world currently, I did research to educate myself, watched a lot of videos about it, shared a ton of content about it, am currently in the process of reaching out to representatives all over the United States to get the President to call for a ceasefire, and I've been trying to start the conversation with people I know in real life.

Don't try to use what 1sra3l is doing to Palestine, Gaza, Congo, and Sudan as an excuse to be antisemitic or Islamophobic. Do not try to justify 1sra3l killing innocent people in any way, shape, or form. I don't tolerate people who stand for genocide. Nothing justifies killing innocent people. Tigray, Puerto Rico, Hawai'i, Ukraine, and Northern Ireland are some more oppressed nations, to give some more examples.

Many of the people in Palestine and Gaza have had their homes, schools, hospitals, businesses, and so on destroyed due to 1sra3l bombing them. They're watching their own people die. They're digging through slabs of broken concrete to find their missing loved ones. They're putting the dismembered body parts of their loved ones in bags. They don't have clean drinking water. They don't have electricity. They're getting WORMS from having to drink water that's not suitable for consumption. Food is scarce and very expensive. People are dying from starvation, not having clean drinking water, and the inability to access adequate medical care due to extremely limited resources. Doctors are having to perform life-saving procedures without any type of sanitation, anesthesia, or any type of pain relief to give to the injured. They're performing procedures on the hospital floor and in the streets. They're now having to choose who's worth saving, watch victims die, and then move on to the next. The animals that are still alive are having to resort to eating blown off body parts of DEAD PEOPLE. This is just SOME of the things these people are going through.

There's also war going on in Congo and Sudan. Tigray is still suffering from the genocide on their people, even after the peace agreement in 2022 between Ethiopia and Tigray. Big tech companies are enslaving children in Congo by forcing them to mine for coltan. Millions of Congolese people are being killed. Many Tigrayans are still displaced from their homes, parts of Tigray are still being held captive, and school hasn't started for many children there because so many people are having to resort to living in school buildings or in tents. This is all just the tip of the iceberg and from what I found doing some quick research.

To top that off, President Biden is refusing to ceasefire on Palestine and Gaza. HE'S SENDING MORE MONEY TO 1SRA3L INSTEAD. 1SRA3L, UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW, SHOULDN'T EVEN BE DOING WHAT THEY'RE DOING. THEY'VE BROKEN SO MANY LAWS UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW. THE AMOUNT OF LAWS THEY'VE BROKEN UNDER INTERNATIONAL LAW IS ACTUALLY SCARY. MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN CONGRESS HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SILENCE ANYONE (specifically they have been trying to silence Rashida Tlaib, the only Palestinian-American in Congress) SPEAKING OUT ABOUT THE WAR CRIMES BEING COMMITTED AND FUNDED WITH AMERICAN TAX DOLLARS. Oh, but Biden had all the time in the world recently to visit grieving families here in the United States who have lost loved ones due to the rampant gun problem in this country that STILL isn't being fixed. That's nice. /s By the way, I'm not criticizing him for visiting grieving families. I'm criticizing Biden for funding the genocide of innocent people instead of putting a stop to it. The civilians in Palestine and Gaza didn't do anything to deserve what they're going through right now. That goes for all oppressed nations.

We might end up in World War III, and that's gonna be a HUGE problem for the United States if we get involved instead of staying out of it. We don't have enough troops for when and IF WW3 happens. I'm not kidding. When NORTH KOREA is saying that what Biden’s doing is fucked up, you KNOW that it's bad. I don't want World War III to be a reality. I don't want that to happen. I want to say that WW3 will never happen, BUT I CAN'T. History WILL keep repeating itself.

As far as boycotts go, the list of brands that have ties to 1sra3l is overwhelmingly long and the brands that have no ties to 1sra3l and support Palestine are small in comparison. However, the big three to focus on boycotting are McDonald's, Starbucks, and Disney. They're the companies who contribute the most money to horrific shit like what I mentioned here.

I keep seeing many people leaving disabled people out of the conversation and it's irritating because disabled people exist all across the globe. For disabled people, boycotting many of these things that I haven't even listed here may be more difficult, if not impossible, for them to do for a variety of reasons (mainly medical). Obviously I'm speaking in a general sense. It all depends on the person. Reason why I'm bringing this up is because I saw a few medication brands on the boycott list. I've seen people say to just get the generic brand of their medications, but that might not be an available option for them, depending on their insurance.

I don't eat at McDonald's much anymore (actually haven't eaten there much if at all for years), I don't have a Disney+ subscription, and I rarely get Starbucks anyway...so it's personally not a huge loss. There are better things to watch. There are better places to eat at that are more Pescatarian friendly. There are also better places to get myself a blended coffee made with almond milk and extra fixings if I'm feeling fancy. I know there are people in food deserts, in financial strain, and have accessibility issues. I'm not talking about them.

When and if you can, shop and eat out locally. I'm sure they'd love the business! It also helps boost your town's local economy! If this isn't a viable option for you due to financial difficulties and/or accessibility issues, do what you gotta do that's the most sustainable for you, your family, your animals, and whatnot. Meaning if the only grocery store you have in your area is Walmart or it's the only place that's affordable, you're not evil for getting your groceries there. Because we're all struggling right now, myself included. Also, for anyone that's going to suggest a dollar store or a food bank, not everyone has a dollar store or food bank in their area, or has easy access to either of those things. The one thing I will say is do your best to be mindful of the things you buy.

For all my fellow American followers, Canadian followers, followers in the UK, and Australian followers, call and email your representatives and demand a ceasefire if you haven't already. This is especially for my fellow American followers. Call and email President Biden and Vice President Harris. CALL THE WHITE HOUSE. If you're going to a protest, be safe, be respectful, cover up anything identifiable on you, try to go in a group if you can, and all that good stuff. Sign petitions! Donate if you can.

There's so much shit going on, and I think I've discussed enough of it here. It's gotten way too long. Sorry if I missed anything. I wanted to at least cover the big stuff.

#mello speaks #enmu speaks #tw genocide #tw death #tw bombing mention #tw slavery #all the trigger warnings #I'm ashamed of my country. (America) #free palestine #free congo #free sudan #free gaza #free tigray #free all oppressed nations #boycott mcdonalds #boycott starbucks #boycott disney #Islamophobes dni #antisemitic assholes dni

[valiantgentle]

Okay, I would like to humbly request: tell me all about Scarlett! Rent OCs are so freaking rare, and I am utterly curious about her!!

(Also, you're really freaking awesome and all of your OCs are really freaking awesome, and I hope you're doing well!! 🖤🖤🖤)

hi!! i am doing well and even better after reading ur lovely words <3 and i am so sorry this took so long for me to answer! it took a while to get my thoughts in order and make it coherent

scarlett!! it has been so long since i've thought about her! she was my emotional support character from the years of 2016 – 2019 and that was the last time i wrote anything for her so i'm gonna have to reach into the deepest depths of my brain which will be interesting!

warnings for mentions of: abuse, suicide, drug and alcohol addiction

so i actually have three (3) different universes for scarlett. there's the original one based on the movie adaptation that i wrote like two? sequels for, then an au that was based solely on the stage production, and then another au that, if i recall correctly but i’m a little hazy on it, combines both BUT april ericson (aka roger's girlfriend who died before the start of the plot) is alive! that one (satellite call, which i link in my masterlist & on my characters page) is my favorite and honestly it's the one i consider the True Story now, if that makes sense. it's also the best-written of the three, the others are Not That Good,,, there’s a lot about all of the fics i would change if i rewrote them now, but they did get me through those horrible, horrible three years so moving on!

u asked to know all about her and my solution to that is to give you a quick-and-concise scarlett backstory in bullet points and give it headings so that it's easier to read! (okay maybe not THAT quick and concise) (i talked so much.........i tried to rewrite it to make it feel like i’m not just info-dumping but every time i tried to make it even more concise it didn’t make any sense so this is what we’re going with lol) (and like...all of this is just the tip of the iceberg honestly. like the most basic of details)

1971 – 1989-ish

she was born in georgia to an emotionally neglectful family in the same town where april ericson (listen i know TECHNICALLY she's not mine and technically larson created her, but that was just like 2 lines in the show and i've adopted her as my own) grew up, so they knew each other. april’s a year older than scarlett. scarlett’s mom named her after the protagonist in gone with the wind and scarlett HATES that so much

when scarlett was a teenager, she started dating april's younger brother will, who was not a good person. he was abusive and all-around The Worst

april eventually caught on and helped scarlett escape, but it wasn’t easy. scarlett attempted suicide, was found by april barely in time, and was in a coma for close to two weeks iirc, but after she woke up and started getting better she was able to break up with will. in the aftermath, scarlett ended up spending more and more time with april, who she was starting to view as a sister after already viewing her as her savior

around the time of scarlett's high school graduation, april invited her to move to nyc with her to get away from everything that happened and put physical distance between them and will. scarlett agreed and they found an apartment together in alphabet city and april found scarlett a therapist to help process her trauma and her ptsd from the abuse

1992-ish (?) – 1995

i can't remember how many years after that it was but eventually scarlett meets the characters of rent and introduces april and roger, who obviously hit it off

meanwhile scarlett, who has not been in a relationship since will and is too afraid to even ponder the thought, starts falling for mark (who was with maureen at the time) but keeps pushing down her feelings for him even after they break up because she doesn't want to be hurt again.

for the record, scarlett/mark was to 2016 – 2019 me what mara/jonathan from my mummy fic are to present-day me and i think it's very obvious how much i love mara and jonathan to give u an idea shdjfk

so the april-roger drug addiction happens, at some point both of them contract hiv and april dies by suicide, as mentioned in the show/movie. scarlett is the one who finds her (remember when i said april was the one who found scarlett after her own suicide attempt?) which changes everything for her

scarlett's always been a closed book so she's never opened up about her past to the others. they didn't even know she was seeing a therapist until april died. this doesn’t change after april's death, they still don’t know anything about her past, but she worries a lot about roger and worries about him relapsing or choosing the same route april did.

depending on which story we're talking about, things after that go pretty much as rent itself goes. mark's always the first person scarlett opens up to about will and how she really knew april, and it's always after angel's death. that's pretty much the one thing that doesn't change throughout the three universes. satellite call (aka the April Lives AU is my favorite of the three because i had always loved writing the scarlett-april flashbacks in the other ones and wondering how things would change in the story if april was alive was so so interesting to me. the most notable thing that changes for scarlett in that one is how her path goes. it diverges so much from the other stories so i'll talk about that a little!

THE SATELLITE CALL YEARS

obviously the biggest thing in her life in this au is that april lives, and she doesn't lose the person she views as her savior and as a sister. so april recovers, she goes to rehab, she gets a therapist like scarlett does, and tries to move forward with scarlett at her side. so in a way, at this point they're kind of codependent

the important thing to mention about this au is that here scarlett is approached by the same dealer that supplied april and roger to buy some pills from him multiple times, and by the time angel starts getting sick and they realize he's dying, she just wants the pain she feels to end. and that starts the biggest change in this story: scarlett's drug and alcohol addiction

i can't remember why i wrote it this way or why i chose this route for her, but i know that looking at it now, this path for her makes the most sense to me out of all the paths her story has taken in all the stories i wrote for her

it does offer up a "two sides of the same coin" dynamic between scarlett and april. they have a lot more in common than they think, which is why things blow up majorly between them around the time of angel's death. like it gets BAD. but it leads to scarlett confessing her addictions to mark, who along with april and collins, helps her into rehab

i....haven’t written anything past that........i do remember most of what was supposed to happen in the second half of satellite call but like i mentioned at the top of the post i haven’t written for her in 3 years :( i’m hoping i’ll get to come back to her one day though and write the rest of that story :)

some other fun (and they are ACTUALLY fun!) facts about scarlett off the top of my head:

she likes strawberries

she's a math nerd

she's a waitress, mainly working at the life cafe

her favorite holiday is christmas

#i think i went a little overboard here but like i said ms barnes was my emotional support character for three years #so i came up with a LOT for her over that time lol #starlit-epiphany #asks

[heyitsmerose]

Letting Go

Pairing: Broken!Reader x Stranger!Yunho

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt Comfort

Word Count: 12.1k

Summary: You've never felt more down. Despite having a loving family and studying at a good school you still aren't happy. You may have many objective luxuries, but you don't have anyone to talk to. The stress from all around you is getting to you and you finally break. You can't take this anymore. Deciding to finally take matters into your own hands and end this for good, you go to your favourite bridge one last time to say your goodbyes to the world. Until someone stops you that is...

Warnings/Disclaimer: In no way do I mean to romanticise mental illness. Through this oneshot, I want to show depression and other mental heath issues for what they are. I will not sugar coat anything and will show them for how exhausting and painful they are. Again, I am not writing this to romanticise mental illness, rather provide comfort and create a safe space to talk about mental health. Remember, it's never too late to get help, and I'm always here for you. It can be as small as personally messaging me how you're feeling today, I'm here to listen :) This oneshot will obviously be talking about suicide, depression, obsession and mental health in general. If these topics trigger you, this oneshot may not be for you.

Suicide

Depression

Swearing

Mentions of Sexual Abuse

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Youtube Playlist

1:05  ───|────── 2:53

|◁              II             ▷|

*I've spent a few weeks on this, I'm sorry if there are spelling errors, I've read the entire thing maybe 5-6 times.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Facing the window in front of you, you sighed. You felt numb. It was raining and was around 6 pm. It was cloudy outside and the rain made the sky a few shades darker than normal. One of your windows was opened and you could smell the rain. The earth smell that made you feel all giddy inside. Excitement used to bubble inside you whenever you recognized the familiar scent of the wet earth, it indicated that it was going to rain. You loved the rain. It felt so comforting and the sound of the raindrops calmed you. At least that's how it used to feel. Now, you feel numb. Unaware of your surroundings and unfazed by a natural phenomenon that once caused you joy.

You sighed looking outside. It was frustrating. The rain that once comforted you was now frustrating. The constant pitter-patter noises bothered you and you were unable to get anything done. You slammed the window shut with all the force you could muster and plopped yourself back on your chair, redirecting your attention to what was on the desk. Ahh right, you had homework to finish. The bright screen of your laptop burned your eyes and caused them to feel sore but you couldn't care less.

You had 2 essays due tomorrow and although that didn't sound like a lot it was just the tip of the iceberg. Not only did you have 2 essays to start (and finish on the same day), you also had an oral presentation you had to give tomorrow for your music class. You didn't have your presentation ready and you were presenting to over 50 other people.

You had everything you could have possibly wanted. Your parents were not too rich but you were quite well off with a duplex in a multi-story apartment. Your dad had a stable career and was the country manager of a company giving him a good amount of power. Your mother was a social butterfly and had many connections. They sent you to a private school and let you study what you wanted. Although you didn't have any close friends in school, you had a few people you sat with.

See? You had everything you could have possibly wanted but you were still miserable. You knew this wasn't normal. For the past few months, you felt numb. There wasn't a better word to describe it. You felt apathetic and unfazed by everything. You were slowly starting to lose interest in the things you once found thrilling and fun and felt disconnected from reality. Your own parents felt like strangers and you felt like you couldn't talk to them. In actuality, your parents were loving and provided you with everything you could have possibly wanted. They took really good care of you and regularly showed affection. They were also quite understanding and were easy-going and fun. The fact that your parents are so caring makes you feel all the more guilty about telling them. You can't tell anyone.

You huffed, running your hands through your hair roughly. You gripped the roots of your hair and began to feel it again. The feeling of darkness creeping into your mind.

"what's the point of this?"

"I want this to stop"

"When will it get better?"

"Does it ever get better?"

In all honesty, you felt hopeless. You had to begin and finish 2 whole essays and prepare your presentation. Listening to music, eating anything, or even taking a break were useless, they would just distract you. You chewed the end of your pencil enough to make the end of it dent. Your teeth hurt but you continued doing so. At least the physical pain would distract you from this crazy workload. Or so you thought... You began to type on your laptop. You were writing your mid-term paper and were given the freedom to pick whatever topic you wanted as long as you felt like it expressed your emotions.

You typed the first thing that came to mind.

"I want to escape. I keep wanting for this to stop, I keep expecting everything to get better. It never does. It's an endless cycle of work and just more work. I feel like a robot and in all honesty, the lack of emotion is the only thing I'm feeling"

Your face had a stoic expression as your fingers fluttered across the keyboard. The gentle noise of keys clicking was the only thing heard for another hour or so. You didn't take any breaks and just wanted to get it done. At this point, you didn't care if it was good or even decent, you just wanted to get it done. That was very unlike you though. You were no topper, but you considered yourself quite hardworking and diligent. You were slowly falling behind though, but you couldn't care less. You just wanted to get it over with.

In the essay you wrote, you didn't get too personal, you simply wrote about your feelings and personified them. You spoke about your feelings as if they were an obstacle in your way. Despite being quite specific, you made it seem as though you were not talking about yourself. You fixed up the grammar and printed out your paper, stapling it, ready to submit it tomorrow. You looked outside and by now it was way darker. It was around 8:30 and it was time for dinner.

You went downstairs to get your plate of dinner and greeted your mom.

"Y/n, you're finally here, I almost forgot you were even living in this house" She chuckled and your dad joined in. You didn't laugh though.

"Hey, cheer up, your mom was just kidding, is everything alright?" Your dad chimed in.

In all honesty, you knew your mom didn't mean it, she was just kidding, but mocking you for the amount of workload you had didn't seem right. The question by your dad, however, completely caught you off guard. In your heart, you knew you weren't. You noticed how you started drifting off and spacing out while someone was talking to you. You noticed how you stopped feeling joy and noticed how you never had time for anything but school. Your face was glued to the ground and you nodded. You didn't want to lie, but you couldn't help it. You'd feel guilty for possibly making them feel like it was their fault.

Your parents both just sighed and your mom held your hand. She brought you to sit at the dining table and looked at you with nothing but love in her eyes.

"Y/n... We know something is bothering you. You know you can tell us anything right?" Your mom asked as she cupped your cheek. You looked back up at her and saw both of your parents looking at you worriedly.

You could feel the back of your eyelids stinging. Your throat got dry and you felt a burning in your nose. This was it. This was your chance to finally tell them how you felt. You wanted to tell them everything. From how you felt incompetent, to the constant stress and pressure. You wanted to finally break down your walls and tell them that you lacked the feelings you felt before. But you couldn't. The lump in your throat grew and you felt the corners of your eyes getting wetter. You couldn't get any words out. You badly wanted to just let it all out, but the words were stuck in your throat.

You also couldn't just break down all of a sudden or they would get really worried. You couldn't let them watch you break down. You would never forgive yourself if they ever thought the way you were feeling was because of them.

You simply sucked in a deep breath of air and looked away before they noticed anything was wrong.

"I just have a lot of work. I have more to do though, so if you could excuse me." You said, your voice wavering as you walked away from them.

"What about your dinner?" Your mom asked pointing at the counter. You just sighed and picked up a plate of food. Your hands trembled and your lip quivered from the overwhelming situation and you rushed to your room as fast as you could. As soon as you left, your mom just sighed and looked at your dad and her face showed immense concern. He brought her into his warm embrace reassured her. You would come to them when the time was right. You would eventually tell them what was bothering you. right? Although you didn't want them to feel guilty, they already did.

The second you reached your room upstairs you locked the door behind you. You tossed the food into the dustbin near your desk and put the plate aside. You felt guilty. Every day your mom would make you a full course meal only for you to throw it away without even having a bite. You couldn't help it though. You had a lot of work to do and eating was not your first priority. Besides, you already had lunch. This was not a rare occurrence. You would usually skip breakfast and dinner, directly eating lunch. Your stomach growled but you couldn't care less.

You rushed into the bathroom in your room and closed the door behind you. Your back slid down the door and your hands flew to your face. You almost blew your cover. It was quite an overwhelming situation. Your hands covered your mouth as the first sob wracked through your body. You were lucky that you were in the bathroom, in your room, on the second floor, it was practically impossible for anyone to hear you.

Your hands moved up to your hair as you gripped it tightly in between your fingers. Slowly, more cries came out. The bathroom echoed with your sobs and heavy breathing. You tried muffling your cries to no avail. You sobbed loudly while you shoved your palm against your mouth trying to stop yourself from crying but nothing worked. You tried digging your fingernails into your palm to distract yourself from all the emotional pain with physical pain but it still didn't work.

You tried breathing steadily only to break out into sobs a few seconds later. You let out gut-wrenching sobs that had been bottled up for too long now. Your throat was raw and your nose was red.

"Make it stop" You whispered to yourself. Were you being dramatic? Were you overreacting? You didn't know and you didn't care. Your sobs slowly died down but your hands were still clamped over your mouth trying to get them to stop completely.

After a few minutes, you went to wash your face. You noticed your eyes were red and your hair was not in a bun anymore but was now all over the place. You sighed and washed your face with cold water trying to remove any traces of that sudden breakdown. Besides, you just wasted around 20 minutes of your time, crying when you could have been working and finishing off your other essay.

You didn't care to change your clothes and sat back on your desk. You sighed and looked out the window again. The rain had died down and there was now just a cool breeze. A layer of mist had collected after the rain coating the trees and plants outside. Despite living in the city, your window faced a big green space. In the mornings there were usually only around 3 people at max, making it quite empty. At night it was even more serene and lonely.

You drew shapes on your windows while trying to think of a topic to write your essay about. Your second essay was supposed to be an analysis report about any experiment of your choice.

You chose to write about the expectancy-value theory.

The Expectancy Value Theory suggests that motivation for a given behavior or action is determined by two factors: (i) expectancy, ie, how probable it is that a wanted (instrumental) outcome is achieved through the behavior or action; (ii) value, ie, how much the individual values the desired outcome.

You scoffed as you read it. Lies. All you've been taught to do is the work you've been given in school. You didn't want to do it. You didn't find it interesting and you couldn't care less about failing if it was up to you. The only reason you were working was because school wanted you to. If you had the option, you would gladly stop. So no, the expectancy-value theory, in your mind was not correct, since for some people, ie. you, motivation didn't come from yourself, rather it came in the form of forced requirements from others. Others have high expectations and expect good quality work from you, but if you were given the choice, you would take care of yourself instead of focussing so much on your studies. The expectancy theory, in your mind, as false as the only thing influencing you to work was other people forcing you.

You decided that was the perfect thesis for your essay and began to write. Although the point of the essay was to discuss the findings of the experiment, you went in a different direction. You wrote your entire essay about disproving that stupid experiment. You didn't discuss the data results but instead countered them with your own data. After another hour or so of aggressive typing and writing shit about Martin Fishbein, you decided you were finally done and decided to finish off your essay. You were happy with the way it turned out, although it was certainly not what was asked of you.

You wrapped up your essay by simply restating your points and you printed that too. By this point, it was already 11 pm and although you weren't sleepy, you just wanted to get this over with and rest. Your final task for tomorrow was your music presentation. All you had to do was pick your favorite classical piece and write a bit about it.

Music was one of the only hobbies you liked. You took pride in composing and making music, however, your school had ruined it for you. The only things they made you do were to analyze pieces of music and discuss the elements of music and their implication. You never got to actually compose or make your own music so you started to dread it as a subject too.

You picked up the first piece that came to mind. Dvorak's 'Humoresque'. Wow, how original, you thought. You began to listen to the piece and understand it better. As a kid, this used to be your favorite piece. Now? It just feels bland. It doesn't feel the way it used to. You began scribbling a few quick points about the song before beginning your presentation.

After taking notes, you finally began working on your presentation. In total, it took around 4 hours to finish and it was exactly 4 am. You sighed and uploaded your presentation to a pen drive before packing up your bag for school.

You had to be up for school by 7 anyway, so you'd get 2-3 hours of sleep at max. You hopped into bed as soon as you were done, not caring about putting anything back or even changing your clothes.

Unfortunately, unlike you hoped, you weren't able to fall asleep as soon as your head crashed onto the pillow. Instead, your mind preoccupied with other things was way too clouded with stressful thoughts to let you relax enough to fall asleep.

You tossed and turned in bed as your stomach growled. You huffed and tried blocking out the feeling. You didn't regret skipping dinner, it was necessary to finish off your work. You sighed and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. You lied for at least 10 minutes simply doing nothing. You tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, but nothing worked. Your mind was simply too preoccupied to let you rest. you closed your eyes trying to calm yourself, only for your thoughts to go back to yesterday evening. You remembered the short conversation with your parents and how they seemed genuinely concerned. Did they know what was happening to you? They were your parents, after all, they probably figured something was wrong.

Thinking about your relationship with them, you felt guilty. You realized how your conversations were never longer than 5-10 minutes and you were always the one to cut them short. You didn't spend as much time with them as you used to, instead of dedicating all your time to studying.

All of a sudden, you remembered how they used to take care of you when you were a child. You remembered the first time they taught you how to ride a bike, your first day of school, and your middle school graduation. You can't remember the last time you all were together as a family and enjoyed yourselves. You were usually too busy and you regretted it.

Unconsciously, you sniffled, your eyes getting watery again. You huffed, roughly wiping and rubbing your eyes, embarrassed that all it took for you to get emotional was a few memories. You sighed shakily, trying to get your thoughts away from that, or else you knew you'd have another breakdown. Still not being able to fall asleep for another 45 minutes, you gave up.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You got up and checked your phone, only to see that the time was 6:30 am. How perfect. You didn't bother combing your hair and tied a messy bun, too tired and too unbothered to even attempt to look decent. You hopped into the bathroom, brushing your teeth and grabbing a towel. You looked back into the mirror as you did yesterday during your mini breakdown. You had dark circles under your eyes, your eyes were red and your nose was tinted pink. You couldn't care less though.

You hopped into the shower and turned the temperature to max coldness, trying to wake yourself up to make yourself look less tired and well... less dead. You shivered at the temperature but bared it for the sake of looking slightly presentable and more awake.

You grabbed your soap and began to lather some on your hands. A few seconds later though, you felt a mild stinging sensation on both of your palms. You quickly washed away the soap as it was starting to burn and inspected your hands. Your palms. They were bruised and cut slightly. You stared at your palms and the crescent-shaped cuts on both of your palms. There were exactly 4 crescent-shaped cuts on each palm with a bunch of bruising around it. You realized it was from digging your fingernails into your palms yesterday. You did so in an attempt to stop crying but it didn't work. Oh well, now you have this to worry about as well, could your life get any worse? You made sure to carefully lather on the soap being wary of the cuts on your palms.

After you took a bath and got ready, you made sure to double-check that you had packed both your essays and the presentation pen drive. After confirming, you grabbed your backpack and hurried downstairs. Although you felt guilty for randomly rushing out during dinner, you didn't want to confront your parents. The nerves from your upcoming presentation were creeping up onto you and you were beyond terrified. You didn't feel hungry and didn't want any confrontation.

You quickly hurried down the stairs and avoided your parents' eyes. At this point, it had become regular for you to leave the house without a word. Your mom wouldn't bother too much since she knew you'd usually buy yourself something to eat at school itself. Or so she thought. It was a lie you told her a long time ago. Despite this, due to your unfinished conversation yesterday you feared they would come after you or confront you so you avoided them at all costs and rushed outside. Lucky for you, your parents didn't mind too much and carried on with what they were doing.

Outside, you noticed how the mist from yesterday had settled and was now fogging up the roads slightly. The mist collected on the grass on the side of the sidewalks in the form of dewdrops and you could smell the same earthy smell. You checked your phone once to get a glimpse of the time and realized you were quite early. Despite this, you still couldn't calm your nerves.

You gripped both straps of your backpack, not lifting your head. You stared at the ground kicking small pebbles along your way. The entire walk to school was quite uneventful and not too interesting. You mainly stayed on the same side of the sidewalk and luckily nothing came in your way. It was a 5-7 minute walk to school since you lived quite close to school and didn't see the point in wasting gas.

Once you reached your school, you tried ignoring everyone in your way, just trying to submit your essays. You were quite nervous and just wanted to remove some burden from your shoulders so submitting your essays early in the morning would be the best option. You rushed into the school building immediately setting your target on your science class that was a few floors up.

Fortunately, the hallways and stairways were mostly empty with just a few teachers and staff and maybe 5-7 students. That was one of the perks of being this early, you could get things done freely without being rushed by the students. You decided to stop at the principles office first, and then drop off your science essay.

You had to drop off your mid-term essay outside the principles office where a few teachers were collecting them. You made your way to the outside of your principal's office to drop off your paper. While walking there, the pace of your heart quickened, although you were simply dropping off your essay, something about being this close to the principles office didn't sit right with you. As you got closer you could feel the tingly feeling in your stomach, caused by the nerves. You carefully walked right in front of the drop-off desk and greeted the teacher. You were asked to fill in your name and the date dropped off, so you were handed a pen.

You were mindful not to let the pen put pressure against the cuts in your palm, but couldn't help but wince softly as the pen brushed against them as you picked it up. The teacher simply looked at you and you forced a smile. As soon as you dropped off your essay, you rushed away from there as soon as possible to a less scary area.

You made your way to your science class and dropped off your essay about expectancy value and took your seat in class. You were quite proud of the essay you wrote since you felt like you portrayed your opinion quite well. You also had science first period anyways, so you took your usual seat near the window in the front of the class and started to unpack.

You waited for at least 10 to 15 minutes before your science teacher came into class. He wasn't surprised that you were early since you usually came quite early. When you noticed he entered class, you immediately averted eye contact and looked somewhere else. In all honesty, your science teacher scared you.

All the other girls gushed over how he was just 5 or 6 years older than you and was handsome. You didn't see what they saw in him as you knew he had ulterior motives. You noticed the blatant sexism in class and how he always paid more attention to the girls, explaining it to them in detail while just brushing off the guys. You noticed how whenever everyone left class, he would stare at the exposed legs of the female students caused by the knee-length skirt that was a part of the school uniform. You noticed how he would favor the girls in general, letting them have their way, even letting them use their phones in class from time to time.

Although he hadn't made any advances, he was still really sleazy in general, and the very thought of him creeped you out. You didn't have too many personal encounters with him, just a few weird looks here and there, so you tried to avoid him as much as you could. When he noticed that you were not paying attention to him he sighed and collected his things. Usually, he would simply leave you alone, knowing school would start soon, but since the both of you were quite early he tried making conversation.

"Hey Y/n, Good morning!" He said all of a sudden. You whipped your head up, surprised that he was talking to you since he had never done so before.

"Hi" You hesitantly replied making sure to not seem too nervous, but also look a little busy so he would leave you alone.

"How's everything going? Are you feeling okay?" Although you knew he asked you that question simply wanting to ask you how you were feeling, you couldn't help but think to last night when you had a similar conversation with your parents.

"U-um, I'm fine, yeah, I'm good" You stuttered, diverting your attention elsewhere indicating you were done with the conversation.

He simply sighed and sat back down on top of his desk. He noticed that you had submitted your science essay/report and decided to read a bit of it before class started hopefully to give you someone on one feedback.

He picked up the paper and the rustling of the pages alerted you. You looked back at him only to notice that he was reading your essay. You felt nauseous and giddy all of a sudden. He wasn't supposed to be reading your essay now, especially in front of you. Your mouth got dry and you tried to calm yourself. You looked away so he wouldn't notice your stare as he continued reading for the next 2 or 3 minutes.

You looked back at him from time to time and noticed how his eyebrows were scrunched. You saw his somewhat disappointed expression and your stomach dropped. Was your essay not okay? Was he going to fail you? Your breaths got shallower and you looked around trying to calm yourself. All of a sudden, your science teacher spoke.

"Y/n, this was not what was asked of you" He stated matter-of-factly. You felt frustrated and embarrassed and your heart was in your throat. You tried clearing your throat to be able to speak. You looked back up at him, finally making eye contact, and gulped.

"I don't- I don't understand, I did what was-" You finally got out, only to be interrupted by him again.

"No, you didn't. It seems like you're disproving the experiment instead of proving it true. Meet me after class, we can discuss how to fix it." He stated, looking at you with a distressed smile. You forced back a smile and quickly looked away.

Eventually, students began to fill up the class and around 10 minutes after that dreadful conversation, the class had finally started. Unfortunately for you, you kept spacing out and couldn't pay attention to what was being taught due to your mind lingering on your stupid science essay. You began to think it was your fault. Maybe you hadn't studied hard enough? Maybe you just weren't smart enough? You put your head down and proceeded to bear the next 85 minutes or so, absentmindedly.

Luckily for you, your teacher hadn't called on you even once. He simply kept teaching and asking other students questions. You noticed how he tried to make jokes from time to time while all the girls giggled, and although your head was down, you knew he most likely had a smug smile on his face. You scoffed and kept getting lost in your thoughts. After what felt like an eternity, you finally through the class.

Now, it was time to finally confront your science teacher after class and you were not looking forward to it. You acted as if you were packing your bag so the other students wouldn't suspect anything. The last thing you wanted was for them to think you were spending time outside class with your science doing god knows what.

After everyone left, you sat back at your desk and waited for him to call on you, or notice you hoping, to get this over with as soon as possible. He grabbed your paper again and went through it again. You sighed and looked down. He slowly shifted his gaze towards you and ushered for you to grab a chair and sit next to his desk.

You huffed and picked up your chair dragging it to his desk. You plopped it down and took a seat on it. He sighed and brought his chair next to yours sitting on it as well. He began to explain that the experiment that he expected was a 'scientific' one with tangible results instead of a "social experiment" to quote directly. You huffed getting annoyed, how could he say that psychological studies weren't as valid? They were equally important. You sighed and looked away getting frustrated.

He wanted to explain it better, and went to get his pen that was next to you. Instead of asking you to give it to him, like a normal person, he rested his hand on your knee, reaching over to get it. On the outside, you kept your cool but inside you were freaking out. You glared daggers at his hand which was on your knee and didn't lift your gaze, as if staring at his hand was going to make him take it off.

Even after he reached over and got his pen, his hand was still on your thigh. He began to talk about some random experiment but you weren't paying attention. Why wasn't he taking his hand off you? You tried adjusting and moving your leg, crossing them over, to get him to let go, but his grip was firm.

"Hey, Y/n are you listening?" He clarified all of a sudden. You slowly pulled your gaze away from your knee and looked him dead in the eye. You glared at him, indicating you didn't want this. Despite this, he just didn't know when to stop, did he?

"Hey, calm down, what's wrong?" He asked sincerely. If only his actions reflected the same care, you knew he knew what he was doing. In an attempt to calm you down, his hand moved further up, grasping your thigh. You gasped and looked up at him with your mouth agape.

"Let go." You said sternly, you knew he was your teacher but he had to know his limits.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, it's alright," He said, the grip on your thigh becoming tighter. No, this was most definitely not okay. Due to the thin fabric of your school uniform skirt, you could feel his hand completely. You scrunched your eyebrows in disgust as you tried scooting backward. He got up though, towering over your shorter figure. You tried pulling away only for him to grip tighter.

"I didn't do anything" He stated firmly, grasping your wrist. He held your wrist tightly, not letting go. You cowered under him, still trying to pull yourself away.

"You don't want this?" He asked shamelessly. You shook your head rapidly, tears stinging in your eyes. He scoffed, roughly releasing your arm. You sighed, instantly getting as far away from him as possible, grabbing your backpack. You quickly shoved your remaining stationery in the first zip you found and threw your backpack over your shoulder, rushing out.

As you were about to leave though you heard him speak up again.

"Do not speak of this to anyone. I'm afraid I will have to fail you for this paper" He said trying to make you feel guilty. You couldn't care less though, without looking back, you nodded your head and left the class.

You cleared your throat as it had closed up. You realized you were crying in the middle of the hallway, so you quickly rushed to the toilet. Luckily, no one saw you, but you still wanted to get away, to freshen yourself up. You splashed water on your face trying to forget what happened in class a few minutes ago.

After that terrifying incident with your science teacher, the rest of the day was quite uneventful. You eventually got through your other subjects including music, and your presentation was a disaster. You weren't able to pay attention to what you were saying since your mind was still in different places. You stuttered your words and kept repeating the same thing.

Your peers realized you were distracted and your teacher knew you were bothered since your presentations were usually quite clear and informative. Thus, this time, they decided to let you off the hook. You were thankful that no one commented on that crappy presentation and simply went back to your seat.

Since you had music for the last period itself you were able to call it a day right after. You decided to skip your after-school commitment since you simply had too much on your mind.

After that shitty day, you decided to try to get your mind off of it by taking a walk in the green space near your apartment. You knew that it would mostly be empty right now as it was a weekday and because it was almost 4 pm, meaning it would most likely rain again.

You were still 5 minutes away from home, so you decided to walk home to the green space nearby. The entire walk there was quite silent. You took this time to try to process and understand the emotions you were feeling. It was getting fairly chilly due to the cold breeze, wind, and mist blowing. You folded both of your arms, rubbing them up and down, trying to get rid of the coldness.

The walk was quite short and you reached there in no time. Since the green area was right in front of your apartment, you could see your window from it. As soon as you reached, you saw your car leaving the apartment. Peeking around the corner, you realized it was your car. Your dad must have just left to go see your grandparents. You tried to hide a little, just in case. If your mom saw you here she would be disappointed that you lied to your dad about meeting your teacher after school.

You found a bench that faced away from your window just in case, so no one from your apartment could see your face. By the time, you found a good spot and settled and sat down, it was around 4:30 pm. You didn't really have a reason for coming to the park. You simply wanted to get your mind off of school, the workload, the stress, and what happened in the morning, so now that you were here, you didn't know what to do. Fortunately, tomorrow was slightly lighter. You didn't have any assessments due tomorrow, but you wanted to check in with your peers to ask them what you missed in the after-school session today and revise that before tomorrow.

Other than that though, you didn't know what to do. Due to this, you ended up spacing out. You simply sat on the bench rubbing your knees from the freezing wind from time to time just staring into the abyss. Quite honestly, it didn't feel forced, awkward or uncomfortable, it felt... calming. You felt a lot of comfort in the fact that you could just take time to process everything. Your way of doing that? Sitting out in the cold breeze, staring at nothing, mind blank. It didn't feel like a waste of time and you definitely didn't regret spending your time gazing at the nature.

Ever since you were young, you had a habit of counting the birds in trees or on the ground. Today was no different. Now that you were out in the nature, it made it easier to count them. You didn't do it for any particular reason, it was just a way of coping and de-stressing. You sat for a good 2 hours just observing everything around you and not doing anything. This included counting birds, staring into nothingness, daydreaming, and spacing out. You were suddenly interrupted by a honking car nearby.

You checked the time and realized it was 6 already. You freaked out and instantly got up, picking your bag. You didn't even realize it had started to drizzle and your sweater/school uniform started collecting water in the form of small droplets. You grabbed your bag, slinging it over your back, walking home, which was just a minute away, right opposite the park. You looked around making sure nobody saw you. Although you quite liked sitting out and simply doing nothing, you could understand how other people might have thought you were absolutely crazy for sitting out and doing nothing for 2 and a half hours.

You sighed looking around. You didn't want to go home just yet and didn't have anywhere else to go. The rain started getting a little heavier and you just gave up, looking up at the sky. Your clothes instantly clung to your figure and you shivered at the coldness.

You decided to take a walk around the nearby neighborhood since you didn't have anywhere else to go. This was actually quite rare. You usually never had the time to come outside and think about your life or reflect on anything as you were always cooped up in your bedroom doing work.

You huffed, rubbing your hands together. By now, your hair and clothes were drenched and your face was covered in water drops. You decided to visit the Mapo bridge to view the Han river from above. Ever since childhood, it was one of your favorite places as you were able to see the Han river below you, the Yeongdeungpo district to your left, and the Mapo district to your right. It had always been a calming sight.

It would take around 10-15 minutes to get there by car from your house but since you didn't really have access to a car right now, you had to walk. You knew it would take at least 45 minutes to get there but you still didn't care.

Unlike the two hours you spent at the park doing literally nothing, this felt different. You thought about the events happening in your life over the past few days, weeks, and months deciding to reflect on them during your journey.

You thought about your parents. How they always welcomed you with open arms while you often gave them the cold shoulder. You felt guilty that was for sure.

You thought about your friends. You had no close friends and the ones you had were slowly starting to drift away. You hadn't sat with them or even talked to them in over 2 weeks.

You thought about your studies. How you always stayed up late doing homework and taking notes while it never paid out. Instead, your crappy work just got you in more trouble.

You thought about the incident with your teacher today. How he touched you inappropriately and gripped your thigh. You shivered, pulling your skirt down slightly.

Unconsciously, tears had started to fall from your eyes. Luckily it was raining so nobody noticed anything too out of place. Despite this, you definitely got some weird stares. At first, the tears were silent. Your face was stoic while tears poured out of your eyes. Eventually though, recalling the painful memories and feelings was too much and your eyebrows furrowed. Your bottom lip trembled as you tried to contain your cries. It started off as light whimpers and occasional gasps.

You rubbed at your eyes and felt yourself losing control. Your cries got louder and you had to clasp a hand over your mouth. At this point, you didn't really care about anything else in the world and were overwhelmed by pain.

You threw your backpack onto some random chair god knows where, and continued walking. No without your backpack you felt freer, and both your hands flew to your face, as you walked in the cold rain.

Meanwhile, you had reached Mapo bridge and began to walk across the pedestrian section. Since it was raining, almost no one was on the bridge and you could finally let your emotions out freely. Your gasps got louder and you let out a strangled sob. Your hands flew to your face trying to cover it up, only for it to be followed by more cries.

As you walked to the middle of the bridge, stumbling across your steps not paying attention to what you were doing. You read the signs on the bridge.

"많이 힘들었구나" (It must be very hard)

"잘 지내지" (How are you)

"파란 하늘을 봐 봐" (Look at the blue sky)

They were mocking you. It was hard, you were not okay and nothing could make this pain better. Your eyes unconsciously closed your eyes and you let out a string of sobs. You choked on your tears, covering your face with your hands sobbing into them.

You rubbed at your eyes but nothing would stop this pain. You looked up at the Han river and thought for a moment. You looked down over the railing of the bridge and noticed the drop.

This was your chance. This was your chance to let go of all your pain and finally be free.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Yunho was out with his friends. It was a rainy day and he had just gotten back from practice. On rainy days such as this one, he would often simply go on a drive with Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung. They were the three that enjoyed the rain and loved going on long drives. Their building was in Mapo but they decided to take a drive over to Yeongdeungpo since they had the rest of the day off.

The Mapo bridge was actually quite empty today. There weren't any cars or any people on the bridge. Since this was quite a rare occurrence, they decided to savor the moment and drive slowly enjoying their playlist while listening to the rain.

Wooyoung was driving while Seonghwa and Yunho were in the back, eating snacks and Hongjoong was picking a playlist. After popping a gummy bear in his mouth, Yunho decided to look outside and observe the Han river. All of a sudden though, around a hundred meters in front of their car near the left railing, a moving figure caught his eye. He was surprised that anyone would be out in the rain at this time. As they got slightly closer he realized they didn't have an umbrella either. As the car got even closer he realized that the figure was a girl. Your hair was drenched and so were your clothes. He stared at you weirdly wondering what on earth you were doing. You simply slid down the railing sitting on the floor, sobbing your eyes out and Yunho's eyes widened. He realized you were crying as your entire body was shaking with sobs and your hands were over your face.

He suddenly felt the urge to help and spoke up.

'Woo, slow the car for one second" He whispered softly and Wooyoung simply looked back and Yunho shrugging. He obliged and slowed down the speed of the car. Yunho continued to observe you. He didn't want to get out of the car since it was raining and he didn't have an umbrella but continued to watch you.

He watched the way your hands came up from your face and you gripped the roots of your hair. He watched how you tried to cover up your cries by cupping your hand over your mouth from time to time only for your to cry harder as your eyes squinted shut.

While they were driving past slowly, everyone was minding their own business while Yunho was still staring at you. Hongjoong had realized how Yunho was giggly before and then became silent all of a sudden and decided to check up on him. Hongjoong looked up at Yunho from the rear mirror, only to find his gaze locked on something outside. Hongjoong followed his gaze and found you as well. He saw that you were crying and stayed silent not knowing what to do.

Yunho was still looking at you and didn't notice how his leader was now also intrigued. He noticed how you roughly rubbed at your eyes getting up. He thought that you were done crying and that this was just a mini breakdown. Besides, everyone had bad days and maybe your way of letting it out was crying in the rain. Hongjoong averted his eyes as he saw you get up, giving you some privacy while Yunho kept his gaze locked on you.

He noticed how you were now facing the railing and looking out at the river. All of a sudden though, he saw you take off your shoes and a sudden wave of urgency washed over him.

"Stop the car!" He yelled at Wooyoung, while everyone in the car visibly flinched at his sudden voice, looking at him with concern. Wooyoung abruptly stopped the car, causing everyone to jerk slightly. The door immediately flew open and Yunho ran out of the car not caring whether his clothes got wet. Seonghwa had gasped and scooted to Yunho's side, peeking through, looking at what was going on.

Meanwhile, Yunho's intuition was correct. He knew something was wrong and the second you took off your shoes, he knew what you were trying to do. After you took off your shoes, you firmly grasped the railing of the bridge, hoisting yourself up, to sit on it. You looked around you, making sure no one was watching, although you didn't care at this point. Your mind was made up.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You slowly scooted to the end of the railing, your hand tightly gripping the railing. You looked down, all that was below you was a 60-foot drop and lots of water. You sighed out shakily and looked back one last time. Your hands slowly let go and you breathed in a deep breath of air. You looked up at the sky and let out a wave of sobs before pushing yourself off the railing.

You expected to immediately feel the cold breeze hitting you as you fell over the bridge but you didn't. Instead, you felt a strong force pulling you backward.

The back of your head roughly collided with the concrete ground of the bridge and you let out a yelp. You looked around you processing your surroundings. You expected to be in the water by now, taking your final breaths. Instead, you were still back on the bridge and you fell back instead of forward.

You looked around suddenly, gripping the back of your head wanting to know who or what the fuck stopped you from doing so. Although you were mad you couldn't help but cry.

You sat up on the ground, knees close to your chest as you covered your hands and sobbed. You let out such painful cries, guttural noises, filled with pain. You cried, each cry letting out more sorrow than the last.

Little did you know, someone was scanning all your actions on the side, not knowing how to process the situation that just happened. He just witnessed someone who almost committed suicide.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The second, he realized you took off your shoes, he knew that you were going to jump. It was a common occurrence, especially on this bridge. His intuition was proven correct when he saw you hoist yourself onto the railing. You were going to jump.

His body was moving on its own at that point and kicked the door open, rushing out as fast as possible. He didn't care about his clothes or his very expensive shoes, keeping only one goal in mind. As you scooted closer to the edge of the railing his heart stopped. He sprinted to the railing as fast as he could, almost slipping along the way. He roughly wrapped his big arms around your waist and he yanked you backward. He fell back onto the bridge and let go of your waist, catching his won fall, while you simply fell backward with force.

As you broke down in front of him, he felt a stinging in his heart. By now, Hongjoong and Seonghwa had also stepped out of the car with an umbrella, a little more cautious as they stood near the car itself, giving you a little space.

Yunho decided to slowly make a move to check up on you. He called out softly, but you didn't hear him.

"Excuse me?" He asked carefully, bottom lip caught in between his teeth from nervousness. You couldn't hear him over the rain and your sobs and frankly didn't care about anything else but the overwhelming pain in your heart.

He looked around nervously, before lifting a hand. He hesitantly brought it closer to you, doubting whether to touch you. He was wondering if you'd be comfortable, but he really wanted to help. He resorted to gently tapping your shoulder with his hands to alert you of his presence.

The second you felt his touch you immediately flinched, not noticing another person's presence. You looked up at him, before clasping your hand over your mouth. Although you knew that it was futile at this point, you still tried your best to cover up your sobs. You let out a string of sobs before squeezing your eyes shut and muttering apologies nonstop.

You kept stopping yourself with your cries but continued to whisper apologies. Yunho's eyes widened as he rapidly shook his head. Why on earth were you apologizing to him? As you looked up at him he noticed how strands of your wet hair clung to your face, your swollen and red eyes as well as your pink-tinted nose. He knew you must have been crying for a long time as your eyes reflected nothing but pain as they were completely bloodshot.

"Hey, hey, hey, I've got you" He whispered as he started patting your back. You nodded as you scooted closer. At this point, you didn't care how you were acting, simply trying to process what was happening. You pulled yourself together trying to get words out.

"May, I lean on you?" You softly whispered, voice breaking in the middle. Yunho hesitantly agreed, opening his arms up for you. You broke down again. You knew that you had been crying a lot that day, and maybe you were overreacting a bit, but in the heat of the moment, you simply couldn't stop.

You leaned into his warm chest taking in his musky scent that was slowly being washed away by the rain as he slowly crept a hand up to your back, rubbing it up and down.

"I'm here, I've got you, You're alright" He whispered into your hair. He knew you weren't in the right mind, but let you have your way just for now. You scrunched his now wet hoodie in your smaller fists as you tried to regain your composure.

You pulled away from a little embarrassed and looked away, knowing very well that he had already seen you, so there was no point. Yunho scooted further a little embarrassed too.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly and you shook your head, looking back up at him. You were surprised to see that his nose was slightly pink and his eyelashes were glistening in tears too. You felt guilty and apologized, a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry for upsetting you," You said all of a sudden, and he shook his head rapidly.

"No, please don't apologize. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be in to want to take your own life." He whispered the last part, still not wanting to agitate you. You nodded and backed away. Yunho suddenly then realized the situation he was in, it was raining and the coldness was starting to get to him, he couldn't even imagine how much pain you must have been in to completely feel numb to it.

"It's raining and it's cold outside, do you want to sit inside our car, we have a heater" He interjected all of a sudden. You got nervous all of a sudden not knowing how to respond.

"I- I- can't-, I'm not sure" You stuttered your words and he noticed your discomfort, trying to divert the topic.

"Do you have anywhere else to go?" He asked looking at you sincerely and you shook your head. You couldn't go home like this. You averted your gaze while he tried to come up with a solution that you were comfortable with. All of a sudden though, you spoke up.

"Where are you going?" You asked and he tried to come up with a comforting answer real quick, one that would convince you to go with them.

"We are just heading to Yeongdeungpo, would you be interested in tagging along?" He asked sincerely. Your grandparents lived there, and you knew they would welcome you without asking questions, so you could go stay at theirs if you wanted to, so you nodded your head.

"Are you sure?" He confirmed with you and you nodded.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

It was safe to say the car ride there was anything but comfortable. You were in a car full of strangers wherein 2 of you were soaking wet.

"What on earth were you thinking?" One of them asked you all of a sudden, and you noticed the male who was with you earlier glared daggers back at them.

"I- um, I didn't- I'm not-" You kept fumbling over your words.

"She's not obligated to answer that." The man from earlier said sternly. You mumbled a thank you and continued to look outside. A few more minutes of silence passed as he tried to break the awkward silence.

"I never got your name by the way," He said all of a sudden, and without looking back you answered.

"Y/n," You said, cutting the conversation short. You weren't in the mood to talk. The other male nodded and introduced himself and the others.

"Well, I'm Yunho, this is Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Wooyoung" He pointed at them but you didn't look at them, simply nodding, facing the other direction. Through the side mirror of the car, you noticed the boy in the front, the one that had slightly longer hair in the back, and was significantly shorter, glaring at Yunho. You assumed they were not comfortable introducing their identities just yet and you were okay with that.

Most of the car ride was quiet. You let out occasional sighs and whimpers due to the cold but there were no other comments or conversations.

Halfway through the ride though, the boy from earlier, the one who asked you what you were doing on the bridge, Seonghwa, spoke up again.

"Are you okay though?" He trailed off at the end. The other three boys looked at him with wide eyes, presumably glaring, telling him off, when you suddenly cut those thoughts off.

"I don't know" You answered sincerely. In all honestly, nobody had expected you to speak up, so when you did, they were all ears. You sighed before continuing.

"Everything is just so hard on me" You sighed out, as your voice broke at the end of the sentence. You decided that was enough or else you knew you wouldn't be able to stop if you said more. Although your answer was somewhat ambiguous, they didn't want to pressure you.

They all just nodded trying not to make it seem like a big issue. You noticed how Yunho sighed silently next to you before scooting closer to you. This didn't go unnoticed by you. His knees made contact with your fingers which were on either side of you, on the seat, and you looked back up at him questioningly.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm all ears, you don't have to worry about feeling vulnerable. In all honesty, it's best to let your feelings out. You seem like the type to bottle everything up, but you clearly have a lot on your mind, you can tell me if you're comfortable." He whispered sincerely, only of you to hear. You were still looking into his eyes, and unconsciously tears started welling up in your eyes again at the sincerity and care in his voice. You had never told anyone about your problems and this was your chance. A tear slipped down your cheek and you roughly wiped at it, scoffing softly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me today" You let out a soft breathy laugh, but the both of you knew it was not funny. He looked at you sternly, faux anger on his face as he felt frustrated that you were treating yourself this way, frustrated that you were reducing yourself to an emotionless robot.

"Don't say that. Emotions are what make you human, you don't need to feel embarrassed." He said and you nodded, slowly scooting closer to him. He didn't mind. Although the proximity was making him a little nervous, he was trying his best to comfort you.

He decided to test the waters by putting his arm around you. He slowly and slyly snaked his arm behind your back, since you were leaning forwards and slowly made contact with the small of your back. When he noticed that you were comfortable with it, he tried putting a little pressure to pull you closer and you went with the flow. You leaned into him, with your head on his shoulder, as one of his arms was around you. You both needed the warmth anyways as you were freezing. It was silent for a bit before you decided to speak up.

"My science teacher molested me." You said breathily. His eyes widened as he tried pulling away from you. With this new bit of information, he realized that the close proximity of you two could be making you nervous. He wasn't able to pull away though since your back was flush against the back of the seat, and you didn't seem too uncomfortable so he decided to keep it there. He rubbed your back up and down urging you to continue.

"I don't- I'm not sure what I did wrong. I disproved the experiment instead of verifying it and he got mad." You paused and took in a shaky breath of air. At this point, your voice sounded pathetically weak and vulnerable but you knew only Yunho could hear you since you were whispering to him, so you had nothing to worry about. He just let out a hum into your hair as you continued.

"He called me to stay after class the discuss the paper and I stayed. I fucking stayed. I stayed despite knowing his sleazy ass would try to pull something on me. After all the students left he called me over to his desk..." You stopped yourself off as you felt your voice wavering. At this point, Yunho could feel his stomach doing flips just thinking about the situation you were in. The fact that it seemed like you were blaming yourself made him feel even worse. Nonetheless, you continued.

"He grabbed my knee and then my thigh and when I told him to let go, he didn't. He even had the audacity to ask me whether I wanted to go further. When I said no, he- he said I would fail. This is all my fault, what the fuck is wrong with me." You let out breathily into Yunho's wet hoodie. His heart broke when he heard you blaming yourself, you couldn't be further from the truth.

"Hey, please don't blame yourself. You have no reason to blame yourself, Y/n. You put your heart into that essay and he didn't like it because his narrow-minded brain couldn't accept new ideas. Furthermore, I'm sure he only used it as an excuse to hurt you. I'm sure your essay was great, and please don't blame yourself for him touching you. What he did was wrong and is all his fault." He paused finally, a little breathless from rambling. You nodded thinking he was done, only for him to continue speaking.

"I'm going to give you my number... Feel free to call me after today, I want to help you. I want to help you speak your side and arrest your science teacher for he did to you" You mumbled a soft okay as you leaned deeper into his embrace.

"I shouldn't feel like this" You suddenly said. Yunho had assumed the conversation was over when you told him about your science teacher but regardless he was ready to listen, no matter what it was.

"Why?" He asked sincerely, ready to scold you again for putting yourself down for having emotions.

"I have loving parents. I study at a good school. I usually get decent grades. I have 2-3 friends who I talk to sometimes. My family can afford the resources I need to feel content. Then why the fuck do I feel like this?" You asked more to yourself than Yunho and he knew this, but he had an answer.

"So?" He countered, waiting for a reaction from you but you had none.

"Even the most privileged people are not happy hun. Satisfaction and content come from within. You may have everything you need but still not feel satisfied with yourself. Is there anything about yourself that is bothering you?" He asked and you furrowed your eyebrows. What he was saying made a lot of sense...

"You- I-, I guess... I feel stressed all the time, and I'm not happy with the work I produce since I'm stressed and overwhelmed, but how did you know-"

"How do I know?" He interrupted you while you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Because I've felt the exact same way a few years ago." Now it was your turn to be shocked.

"I'm training to be an idol and I spent countless nights practicing my dancing and singing, but I never felt happy with my skills. I always thought I could get better, and that led to a sort of addiction. I stayed up late at our studio practicing and my sleep schedule was fucked up." You chuckled breathily at his word choice and how he let a curse word slip in. He noticed and smiled back down at you.

"When I finally understood and accepted the problem I got better. My mental health took a turn for the better and I was more proud of my accomplishments. Besides, I consider myself a decent singer now" He laughed at the end as you joined him.

"I'm proud of you for reaching your goal and bettering yourself," You said honestly as you patted his chest.

"I just hope I can fix myself one day too." You said honestly.

"I'm sure you will be able to. It takes time and perseverance, so please never give up. You're a beautiful, talented, and valuable person, never doubt yourself." He said and you nodded in his embrace.

That's where the conversation ended for now. The silence was not awkward at all. Instead, it was quite comforting as you had a lot to think about and process. Yunho's words definitely shifted the way you looked at life.

Yunho got a little more confident and trailed his arm upwards of your back and into your wet hair. He ran his hands through your wet hair as you scooted closer to him. He gently rubbed his hands across your scalp relaxing you. Despite him being a stranger, from the way he listened to you, saved your life, and comforted you, you knew he was someone you could trust.

Meanwhile, the boy in the front, Hongjoong looked through the rear mirror, looking at the position you and Yunho were in. He and Yunho suddenly made eye contact through the mirror, and Yunho got nervous, his eyes widening as he realized his leader had seen the position he was in, but that went away as he realized Hongjoong was smiling back at him with a soft smile across his face.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Unknowingly, you had fallen asleep in Yunho's arms. When Hongjoong realized you fell asleep he patted Seonghwa's shoulder pointing to the two of you. You had fallen asleep on Yunho's shoulder, resting your head against it, while his head was on top of yours, also asleep. Seonghwa almost squealed when he saw the position you were in. They exchanged a few knowing looks before you finally arrived at your stop.

Yunho woke up before you and you were awoken by a messy-haired, still sleepy but smiley Yunho, ushering you to go outside. You got up, rubbing at your eyes as you looked around. You realized you were still in the car with all of the boys looking at you. You got embarrassed and quickly fixed yourself before shooting a confused look at Yunho. Suddenly, the man driving, Wooyoung, spoke up.

"I dare you and Yunho to go to 7/11 to get us snackssss" He playfully said and you smiled.

"Don't forget to get yourself a new pair of clothes too, you're soaking wet and probably cold. Although, I don't think that was much of a problem considering you were practically on top of eachoth- OOF" Seonghwa was cut off but Yunho roughly shoving his side. For the first time in the past week, you let out a genuine laugh and all the boys turned to look at you, as you bent over in laughter. Their eyes widened and Yunho swore it was the most melodious sound he had ever heard.

Feeling empowered and having a new perspective on life, you decided to go with the flow. Besides, you were given a second chance at life, you weren't going to waste it, moping around. You decided to make a change, and that change started today.

"Well big boy, are you coming with me or not?"

#yunho #yunho oneshot #yunho fanfic #hongjoong #seonghwa #yeosang #san #mingi #wooyoung #jongho #ateez #ateez oneshot #ateez fanfic #ateez ff #yunho ff #ateez angst #yunho angst #yunho fluff #ateez fluff #depression #suicide #fanfic

[pretendthatssomecoolname]

I'm so sorry, but I think I have just read that kataang is boring and they had no problems?!!!? I feel offended by this. So yes, I am going to prove the opposite thing, cause I can.

First of all what is boring to who is their opinion. And I don't argue with someone's opinion. I can have mine and we don't have to agree even if in my opinion someone's opinion isn't valid and the person has no arguments proving it.

*I'm sorry, I had to, I respect other people's opinion, I just had the urge to put it here, my opinion also can be a trash for someone*

Here goes the no problems part. As beforehand some people can say that we can discuss what the actual problem is, but still I think some things weren't helpful or neutral. They were something characters didn't want to happen and that's how I define the problem.

This is a post about problems Katara and Aang had to overcome and they did it so great, that people thought their problems didn't exist

Childhood trauma problem:

Katara didn't have an easy childhood. Everybody knows it, but I am going to repeat it. Her mother died when she was eight. She took her responsibilities in the village taking care of it, her brother and grandmother while being strong as hell, just like Sokka said in The Runaway:

When our mom died, that was the hardest time in my life. Our family was a mess, but Katara? She had so much strength. She stepped up and took on so much responsibility. She helped fill the void that was left by our mom.

She was also the last waterbender in the Southern Watertribe, which means a survivor of genocide, so she was carrying the legacy of her people. I think it cannot be a good thing for a child's psyche.

Now only a tip of an iceberg of Aang's trauma. He has lost his childhood due to avatar training. The boys from the temple have pushed him away not letting him play with them. Monks have decided to separate him and the only father figure he had - Gyatso. He woke up hundred years later, lost all the people he knew, his whole family, air nomads, and their traditions, becoming title last airbender. This is a lot to take and nobody has ever experienced something like that. And being able to smile and finding the benefits of a horrible situation means a lot of maturity and self-control, not immaturity. He knew he had a lot of things to do and couldn't break down right now...but that's a different topic.

Do some people know how hard is to find someone who can help you with your loss? How hard is it to find someone who can help you with the mess you feel? Dealing with the past is a problem. Not everything is perfect. They're messed up and have a lot of traumas. But together they just have felt better. Both of them had a hard past and it could be a problem to make a healthy relationship and not burden a partner. If someone thinks that, considering only childhood issues they had, they wouldn't have had any problems is pretty naive.

Then we have some issues that have been seen by us, from the show itself (not counting results of genocides):

Katara's trust issues - people she has met were mostly disappointment. Her first crush turned out to be a jerk. It may be stupid and not a lot of people think it can be a problem, but scarred by last relationship teenager might not be so eager to go to the next one. The one she chose for being with her has to be careful to not fail her trust that's why she chose aang, he disappears but always comes back right to her arms I have partly written about her trust issues here if you are interested.

The Avatar state - Aang was scared of himself in the avatar state and of things he could do. It followed him through his whole life. Even after mastering it. There could always be an accident. He never felt safe. He was probably worried that his family would be scared of him and the power he held. not me mentioning that katara was the only one who could bring aang back from it

The Attachment - Aang had to learn how to love Katara that much like he did, but also not to be attached to her and let her go. He felt so guilty for doing it, that he even murmured an apology 🥺

Aang's death - this is one of the hardest I think. It was something big for both of them. Katara has seen her best friend and maybe someone for who she has some feelings DYING AND LATER SHE BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE! She spent weeks healing and she even started to hesitate her abilities! It was the worst stage of her journey (from comics lost adventures). Aang, after he woke up, thought he failed all the people that were believing in him. Again. He had to cover the only things that were connecting him with his traditions - his arrows and he even burnt his ancient glider!! Those were times when they collected a lot of anxious thoughts that didn't want to just go away. They needed time to heal from this. Do you ever think that Katara had to look at his scars, from one of the scariest moments of her life, every day and think what she could do to not let this happen? Or Aang scared that he would fail again?

Bloodbending - every full moon Katara had to deal with the power she didn't ask for. Being scared of herself and that she could hurt people close to her. That's some issue you have to be a pretty strong partner to help your love.

Masculinity - Aang for most of the time didn't feel offended by people telling him he is more feminine. That's who he is. But EIP probably sowed uncertainty that maybe he is not enough? Maybe he is not the man she needs?

Here I have something about whole avatar being and my speculations of their problems in teenage years and adulthood:

Restoring balance and peace to the world of war.

Losing teenage years due to politics.

Protective older brother and father; a friend that can feel your every move.

Being in a relationship and doing your duties.

Having a family that mixes two really different cultures.

The pressure of having (airbending) kids.

Every move is watched by a lot of people.

Dealing with each other's fans.

Dealing with their kids being different benders and nonbenders.

Finding time for all the above!!!

I think, that maybe they were also people against their mixed marriage, or wanted Aang to have more children, or to be married to one of the air acolytes? Just a thought nothing important, but still, something possible.

And I know it's not everything! They had a lot of daily problems, but they were happy and comfortable because they had each other! It all was worth it! It's weird that some people actually think that they were boring or they didn't have problems with all of it (and more) going on. Is their relationship boring because they are healthy and love each other more than anything else? you're weird people

Their problems, smaller and bigger, have come out not from them, but from the surrounding world. I like this type of relationships because they're strong and beautiful.

I think I proved my point. Yes, yes you can still disagree because there wasn't a love triangle or breakup. But if you think about it, isn't it great that they found each other at such a young age, so they could be together for every hard moment and being able to know each other well enough so they could communicate without words?

Thank you for reading 💞 I hope I don't sound mean or offending

#atla #avatarthelastairbender #katara #kataang #aang #pro kataang #kataang rights #and who is boring now?! huh?!

[fire-angel]

DRAGON HEART

Firebender x ???

Hey guys, just anted to say that if you want, you can request one shots. Also dm me if you want to be tagged to be updated with this series.

Also the parts are somewhat long because I try to fit a whole episode in each part.

Prologue       Part 1

PART 2

A few days ago we left the Northern Air Temple, so much happened in the little time we stayed there. I was starting to get along with everyone, except for Sokka that is, we always seem to argue and maybe it's because he hates me??? Because I was Fire Nation, but that's my past. Anyways, the people living in the air temple gifted me a new set of clothes and even warm coats for my journey to the North. I am so thankful for them.

We are now headed towards the North Pole so Aang and Katara can find a water bending master.

"I'm not one to complain, but can't Appa fly any higher?" Sokka says indeed complaining.

Appa does seem tired, we're getting lower and lower to the ocean.

"I have an idea-" Aang says looking back "-why don't we all get on your back and you can fly us to the North Pole?"

"I'd love to! Climb on everyone-" he wiggles his butt at everyone "-Sokka's ready for takeoff!"

Momo jumps up on Sokka in response to his invitation.

"Look, we're all just a little tired and cranky because we've been flying for two days straight." I tell them and Katara agrees.

"And for what?" Sokka exclaims "We can't even find the Northern Water Tribe. There's nothing up here."

Suddenly a noise is heard up ahead. Ice is moving rapidly towards Appa. We all scream and Aang pulls Appa's reigns and avoids the ice, but almost tips us all off the saddle. Appa then moves as another jet of ice erupts out of the waves, but this one slams into Appa's underside, who drops in an uncontrolled spin into the water. Out of the icebergs several ornate wooden skiffs come to surround us.

"They're waterbenders! We found the Water Tribe! " She shouts with excitement.

------------------------------------------------------------

Aang gets up " There it is! "

"The Northern Water Tribe..." Katara continues

"We're finally here..." i whisper in awe.

The water benders leads us into their village and through the canals.

The city is loaded with beautiful streams, waterfalls and fountains. They pass another boat with a waterbender and a beautiful young Water Tribe woman with white hair, Sokka focuses on her, blushes and tried to follow her by running down Appa's tail.

"This place is beautiful." Katara says

"Yeah, she is." Sokka replied while looking dreamily at the girl from the boat.

I roll my eyes and look away. From what Katara told me, it seemed to me like he was friendly with a girl from Kyoshi Island a few weeks ago. I start to chuckle.

Sokka turns to me with a serious face "What's your deal?"

"Oh nothing nothing" I wave him off.

Later on we were invited to see the Chief because he wanted to celebrate the Avatars arrival. Katara and I finished getting ready and met up with the boys outside as we started to head out towards their palace.

--------------------------------------------

We arrive and we take our seats at the table, Katara to my right and Sokka to my left.

I'm admiring everything around us until i hear Sokka whisper.

"You should probably keep to yourself that you're a fire bender-"Wow is he trying to look out for me- " we don't want you scaring people off and ruining the mood if everything"

Ouch. How can he say that? I feel my skin starting to get hot as I was starting to turn that sadness into anger and noticed I was starting to melt a hole on the table and I quickly took my hands away.

"And what's the deal with you literally burning up like some-" Sokka was gonna continue but the Chief was about to speak.

"Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sister from the Southern Tribe, and they have brought with them someone very special, someone whom many of us believed disappeared from the world until now. The Avatar! We also celebrate my daughter's 16th birthday. Princess Yue is now of marrying age.

Princess Yue is walking towards us.

Sokka looks at her with wide eyes.

"Thank you, father. May the great Ocean and Moon Spirits watch over us during these troubled times."

"Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform! " the Chief indicates.

As the waterbending show continues, a figure walks behind us and sits down next to Sokka. It’s Princess Yue.

"Hi, there. Sokka, Southern Water Tribe. " He says trying to act all cool.

Princess Yue smiles and bows slightly "Very nice to meet you."

"So... uh... you're a Princess!” She nods and smiles “You know, back in my tribe, I'm kinda like a Prince myself!" He says

I just couldn't hold it in " Ha! Prince of what? "

Now an angry Sokka looking back at me "A lot of things! Uh, do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here!"

With a smirk on my face I mock a bow "My apologies, Prince Sokka."

Sokka turns to Yue and attempts to flirt by asking her to do an "activity" or something. What the spirits

Very smooth.

------------------------------------------------

It's the morning and I'm left alone to wander around the town. Aang and Katara are getting trained, Sokka went to find the princess and I am currently walking up a mountain of ice so I can be high enough to feel the Sun and do some meditation.

I come back to our place at nightfall to see everyone except Sokka is back.

"What did you do today Y/N? Practice your fire bending?" asked Aang.

"No, I was told to not even try that while I'm here, so I just did some meditating"

"What? Who told you that?" Aang asked me seriously concerned "Momo I told you to be nice"

"Don't worry” I laughed  “it wasn't Momo and I understand"

Sokka walks in all mopey.

"How's warrior training going?" Katara asked.

In response Sokka kicks a bag on the floor in anger, falls to his knees, and then flops on the bag, using it as a pillow.

"That bad?" Aang asks him.

"No, it's Princess Yue. I don't get it. One minute she wants to go out with me and the next she's telling me to get lost! So how's waterbending training?"

I sit up excited to hear about how it went, but Katara flops onto her sleeping bag, depressed.

“Master Poophead won't teach her because she's a girl." Aang replied.

"Why don't you just teach her, Aang? " I suggest.

Katara raises her head with a smile "Why didn't I think of that? At night, you can teach whatever moves you learned from Master Pakku. That way you have someone to practice with and I get to learn waterbending. Everyone's happy!"

"I'm not happy." Sokka cuts in

"But you're never happy. Come on, Aang."

They go off.

"Hey Y/N, I’ve been thinking about it and I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. It isn’t fair to you. It's just, we've never had a good experience with fire benders. Katara and I personally, we lost our mother because of the Fire Nation..."

I just listen to his story without saying a word until he finished. He tells me about how his mother died and how they are being constantly chased by the Fire Nation because of Aang.

"Look Sokka, I understand the fear and the hate, I really do. I know how dangerous and destructive fire bending and the Fire Nation can be. When I was young, my parents died giving their life for the Fire Nation and so I was raised by my grandfather Jeong Jeong. Growing up I had many try to train me fire bending but they all quit on me because my fire bending was ‘too different’ and at times ‘out of control’. They thought of it as a weakness for the Nation and their pride.....You've seen it first hand, my emotions is like some kind of fuel to it. I burn up every time my feelings get strong and sometimes lose control over it."

"Yeah, like what happened back with Master Jeong Jeong after Aang burned Katara" Sokka recalls.

"Yeah, I end up hurting the people I care about" I look down and take a deep breath before I continue "With time my grandfather realized how wrong the Nation was and their beliefs and decided to escape with me. We barely made it out alive. My grandfather later trained me to have some control over my bending through meditation. He says I'm more powerful than I realize, and that that's why the Nation didn't want me, because they were afraid or something...but now he's gone too."

"Hey, you have us now. We'll be your family and we can help you." He reassures.

"Thanks Sokka. You did have a point though, I should try to keep myself under cover because if the Fire Nation finds out who I am, then we'll be an even bigger target."

"Yeah, we'll protect you Y/N. I promise" he smiles.

Suddenly Aang and Katara comes in with a face with mixed emotions. They sit down and tell us what happened when they tried to train and how Master Pakku caught them and kicked Aang out from his training. We decided to go the next morning to talk to the chief and try to negotiate.

---------------------------------------------

"What do you want me to do?" says Chief Arnook "Force Master Pakku to take Aang back as his student?"

"Yes – please!" I try to reason for them.

"I suspect he might change his mind if you (looking at Katara) swallow your pride and apologize to him." He says.

"Fine." Katara says clearly unhappy.

"I'm waiting, little girl." Master Pakku smugly says.

"No! No way am I apologizing to a sour old man like you!" As Katara speaks, cracks open in the floor beneath her. She ends up by pointing directly at Master Pakku, her finger almost in his face.

"Uh, Katara..." Aang begins to say

Katara has a look of challenge on her face "I'll be outside – if you're man enough to fight me!"

You can hear a group of gasps

"I'm sure she didn't mean that." I try to say.

"Yeh, I think she did." Sokka replies.

We start to go after Katara this is halfway down the steps of the palace.

"Are you crazy, Katara? You're not gonna win this fight!" Sokka tries to knock some sense into her.

Katara takes off her coat and throws it at Sokka, hitting him in the face "I know! I don't care!"

"You don't have to do this for me. I can find another teacher." Aang tries to reason

"I'm not doing it for you! Someone needs to slap some sense into that guy!" She tels them.

The boys look at me for some help.

"Guys She has a point, I mean if I had a chance to show my old teachers that I was worth bejng taught, I think I would have"

As we reach the bottom of the steps, Master Pakku appears.

"So, you decided to show up?" Katara starts to say but He walks past her "Aren't you gonna fight??

"Go back to the healing huts with the other women where you belong." He says without even glancing her way.

3rd POV

Insanely angry, Katara draws a water whip out of the ground and whips Pakku on the back on the neck. He stops

Master Pakku finally faces her " Fine. You want to learn to fight so bad, study closely! "

He begins to bend and Katara runs towards him but he flings her backwards.

Master Pakku mockingly says "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you!"

Pakku creates a whirlpool and it begins to constrict, but before Katara is knocked back down she swings her arm, almost as if she were swinging a baseball bat, deflecting the wall of water off on a different trajectory. Cut to a shot of the spectators, including Aang and Sokka. The errant wall of water hits Sokka

“OW!”

Katara runs at him with a water whip. He raises a ramp of ice in front of her which she slides up and then back flips off, landing neatly on the guardrail of the citadel steps behind him. Pakku liquefies the ramp and throws it at her while catching her feet in ice. The wave breaks around Katara, however, as she bends it out of the way.

"You can't knock me down!" She says

The crowd formed starts to cheer

"Go Katara!" Aang shouts.

"You got this Katara!" Y/N encourages.

The fight goes on and Master Pakku is still decided on not teaching Katara.

Katara now standing in front of Pakku, but Master pakku sends shards of ice towards her, the shards land closely all around her. She is trapped. She struggles in vain against her prison of ice, her hands and arms unable to move.

Master Pakku walks towards her "This fight is over."

"Come back here! I'm not finished yet!" Katara yells.

"Yes, you are." he replied. He stops in surprise, picking up the necklace that fell from Katara's neck during the fight.

"This is my necklace!" He says with wonder.

"No it's not, it's mine! Give it back!" She tells him."

"I made this sixty years ago – for the love of my life." He continued saying.

Katara's ice prison liquefies behind him, freeing her "For Kana."

"My Gran-Gran was supposed to marry you?" Katara says in awe.

Master Pakku still holding the necklace, sadly says "I carved this necklace for your grandmother when we got engaged. I thought we would have a long, happy life together. I loved her."

"But she didn't love you, did she? It was an arranged marriage." Katara says.

The Princess' eyes water.

Katara walks up to Pakku "Gran-Gran wouldn't let your tribe's stupid customs run her life. That's why she left. It must have taken a lot of courage."

Proncess Yue begins to cry openly and runs away.

"Go get her." Y/N tells Sokka and nod to her direction.

--------------------------------------------------

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please like and reblog. Also follow me if you are a big fan of ATLa because I want to follow back others with the same interests.

#atla imagine #atla scenario #fanfic #earth kingdom #fire nation #scenario #sokka imagine #zuko imagine #katara #toph #aang #avatar the last airbender #atla x reader

[protectbrowngirls]

(1) hi💕 it's the same anon who was asking for advice about mom's unstable behavior here... things haven't really improved...she's refusing to see a therapist and is letting out all her anger on me, even though i'm struggling with multiple health issues right now and doctor suspects i have a brain/neurological disease😔

(2) we had an argument the other day where she completely exploded over a small thing i did, calling me a "monster", a "demon child" and saying she wishes i was dead, that she will die soon and it will be my fault, that god is watching and listening to all the (apparently) horrible things i say and do (this isn't even the tip of the iceberg). she is also threatening to cut me off financially, which is incredibly scary for me as a college student...maybe i sound dumb, but is this emotional abuse?

(3)all of these regular instances with her where she explodes, her constant body shaming, the stress of my college degree and not being able to see my friends because of the covid rules is getting to me - i feel like life isn't worth living anymore and i don't know what to do...i've been strong for so long and i just can't do it anymore 😔 i would really appreciate your advice and i'm really sorry if i'm bothering you by sending an anon ask again 

You are not bothering me at all! You’re welcome to send asks, or even message me privately. I’m happy to help to the best of my ability.

You don’t sound dumb, either. What you’ve described absolutely sounds like emotional abuse. It is abusive to call you names and constantly criticize and belittle you. It is abusive to threaten you by saying god is watching (and implying that you’ll be punished). It is abusive for her to hold her wellbeing hostage if she doesn’t approve of your behavior. It is abusive to use financial support as a means of controlling you.

Unfortunately, many emotional abusers are not interested in changing their behavior. Maybe they don’t see anything wrong with how they’re acting; maybe they enjoy having control over other people; maybe they’re emotionally stunted and don’t know how to deal with their own emotions. Regardless, you can’t reason with abusers or try to engage with them rationally -- they won’t approach the conversation in good faith. They don’t care that their behavior is harming you. They might even think you deserve to feel bad because you’re refusing to cooperate with them. When your mother is hurling abuses at you, try to remember that she’s wrong and is actively trying to hit you where it hurts. It doesn’t make it hurt less when she says those things, but it might make it easier to gain perspective, and to remember that you have worth, even if she doesn’t acknowledge it.

Life is worth living, but it will be easier to believe that if you’re able to put some distance (whether physical or emotional) between you and your mother. Of course the most concrete way of doing this is to move out, but that’s easier said than done. Still, you may find it beneficial to start creating an exit strategy. Can you live in a college dorm or share an apartment with a friend?

I also recommend seeking a therapist. Another thing that’s easier said than done, but you’re dealing with a lot right now. A therapist will be able to help you process your mother’s behavior and your resultant emotions, as well as help you develop healthy coping mechanisms to get you through all this. This isn’t something you should have to deal with alone. As a student, you may receive some free sessions with a counselor at your university. Otherwise, there are links to low-cost therapists on my resources page, and many therapists offer cheaper sessions if you can’t afford to pay for therapy. Just ask for sliding scale pricing.

In the meantime, I would suggest creating small, regular things you can look forward to, especially things that get you out of the house or make you unavailable to your mother. Commit to treating yourself in at least one small way each week, whether by stopping to take in the sunset or buying a pack of cute stickers or listening to your favorite song. Maybe you could set up biweekly Zoom hangouts/game nights with your friends to make social interaction a part of your routine. And maybe you could spend your days or evenings “studying” on campus (if social distancing is feasible), doing activities like going to drive-in theaters, or offering to run errands, so you aren’t around for your mom to yell at you.

It takes some effort to remind yourself why life is worth living, but now more than ever, it’s crucial we make that effort. You’ve been really strong! I know it gets tiring to be strong all the time. I know you desperately want a break, so you can stop being strong for a bit. But things can get better, I swear they can. There’s so much still to live for: sunrises and sunsets and fancy chocolate and cat cafes and new TV shows and hugging your friends again. I hope you’re able to experience those things sooner rather than later.

#anon #ask #emotional abuse #unhealthy parenting #abusive parents #coping #TW suicidal ideation

[marril96]

My Baby Ran Me Down

Pairing: Rowena x reader

Summary: Rowena has made it her mission to teach reader how to drive. Her efforts get her hit by a car.

Editor: @oswinthestrange

It doesn't happen every day that you hit your girlfriend with a car. 

In your defense, you told her – multiple times – that this was a terrible idea. Rowena ignored you, insisting that it was time for you to learn how to drive. 

And who better to teach you than a nearly four hundred-year old witch? 

It took exactly two hours for both of you to lose your temper and start a screaming match – you out of fear of crashing the car, and Rowena out of sheer frustration at your reluctance. 

One thing led to another and, with a huff, she was out of the car, slamming the door and pacing to calm her thoughts. Having had enough of her rushing you, and wanting to prove her that you could, in fact, do this, you slammed your foot down on the pedal. 

All you could remember next was a scream. 

Rushing out, your blood ran cold, chills of dread cascading down your spine. Rowena was on the ground, panting and groaning in pain. You quickly looked her over and let out a sigh of relief to see no blood or any evidence of a worse injury. 

And then your eyes settled on her leg and for a moment you could feel the lunch you'd eaten five hours earlier at the back of your throat, threatening to spill out. 

Bones weren't supposed to protrude in that angle. And the skin around them wasn't supposed to be that color. 

Waiting for the ambulance was hell. Rowena's pained screams sounded as if they came straight from nightmares. She was clutching her leg, face twisted in a grimace, her eyes looking from her injury, to the car, and, finally, to you. 

On the plus side, she wasn't yelling at you anymore. Her glare, though, told you that she wanted to. Once her pain was dealt with, you had no doubt she would have a go at you. 

At the very least, you would learn a few more Scottish insults and curse words. 

It's important always to look on the bright side. 

It wasn't easy to explain to the doctors that you hit your own girlfriend with a car, and that the reason she would make pterodactyl noises every time you'd come close to her wasn't that she was afraid of you (as a matter of fact, it was exactly the opposite), but rather that she wanted to rip your internal organs out and use them as jewelry. Luckily, you managed to convince them it was an accident (and not attempted murder, as the noises Rowena made initially led everyone to believe) and persuade them not to call the police. 

Rowena's injury was swiftly taken care of, and a few hours later you were home. 

Thanks to the painkillers the doctors stuffed her with, she stopped being noisy. 

But just because she wasn't in pain anymore didn't mean she couldn't make other kinds of noises. 

She settled for yelling. 

"What the bloody hell were you thinking?!" she exclaimed, wildly throwing her arms around. 

"I'm sorry!" you said, avoiding her glance. Face and arm bruised and scraped, leg wrapped in a cast, she looked the picture of vulnerability. It was almost unnatural to see her so wounded. You'd seen her in pain before, but never before had her movements been restricted in such a manner. 

"What, pray tell, are you sorry for? Being purposely obtuse? Not listening to my instructions? Hitting me with a bloody car?!" 

Rowena's accent grew thicker with each word. Any other time you would have found it a turn on, but now, all you wanted to do was curl up on the flood and die. Maybe then she wouldn't be so angry at you. 

"I-I w-wanted to…" you stuttered, leaving your sentence hanging. I wanted to show you I could do it. I wanted to impress you. I wanted you to stop yelling at me. I wanted you to tell me I did good. 

"You wanted what?" She huffed in annoyance. "What the bloody hell was the matter with you? You could have killed me!" 

"Y-you w-would've come back," you said in a small voice. 

"That's not the point! Do you have any idea what it's like to be hit by a car?! A hint, dear – it hurts!" 

"It's not like I did it on purpose!" you argued, tears burning at your eyes. 

"You weren't supposed to be driving in the first place! I'd made it clear that you were not to drive without me physically present in the car for this exact reason!" 

She went on a long rant on safety, listing all the ways you'd endangered not just her, but yourself as well. You stood in place, frozen, motionless, taking all her hits. You deserved every single one. It wasn't fair of her to scream her lungs out at you, but you had ignored her warnings and seriously injured her as a result. 

Though, to be fair, she had been the one who ignored your insistence that you weren't up to this.  

"I told you I didn't wanna do this and you wouldn't listen," you reminded her. 

Rowena looked offended. "Are you saying it's my fault?" 

"No! I–" 

She cut off your attempt at an explanation. "As if it's not enough that I'm in pain. Now I'm getting blamed for my misfortune." 

"Rowena–" 

"Have I not suffered enough?" She sighed dramatically. "What's next? Are you going to throw me in a dungeon and torture me? Will that also be my fault?" 

"You're being unfair," you said. You were usually the one getting her out of situations like that and nursing her back to health. Had she forgotten all those times when you'd taken care of her? Had she forgotten sleepless nights you'd spent at her side, holding her as she cried and begged for the pain to stop? Had she forgotten you making her potions, kissing her wounds, and squeezing her hand as she waited for the pain to subside?  

You would rather die than purposely cause her any harm. You thought she knew that. 

"When have I ever hurt you on purpose?" 

Rowena had the decency to look ashamed of her accusations, but she would never express it verbally. 

You, on the other hand, had plenty of things to say. 

"Think it was easy for me, watching you get hurt? You have no idea how guilty I feel!" you snapped. 

Your blood ran boiling hot, everything you'd been holding back rushing to the surface; every suppressed emotion, every word you'd swallowed so she wouldn't get hurt. A familiar rush of power surged through your veins and you started pacing. The last thing you needed was your magic getting out of control and making a mess of your home. Walking in circles gave you something to focus on instead of your magic making the decision for you. 

"I know I fucked up, okay?" you continued, gesturing manically with your hands. "I know I did a shitty thing! I don't need your accusations on top of that!" 

Tears fell from your eyes, rushing like a downpour down your face. 

"You've been yelling at me all day! First about my driving, and now about this! You know why I tried to drive on my own? I wanted you to stop yelling at me. I thought, if I proved to you I could do it, you'd be nice to me again." 

You swallowed, tears falling with more intensity. 

"Why couldn't you be nice to me?" you whimpered. "You're always so patient." 

You thought back to the time when she spent a whole week teaching you a spell that wasn't even that complicated. For some reason, you just couldn't get it right. Rowena had found herself growing irritable a few times, but each and every time she would swallow it and patiently explain the spell. She would repeat the same words like a mantra, over and over again, demonstrating the spell and explaining exactly what you needed to do to get the same effect. 

"What's gotten into you today?" 

A look of guilt flashed across Rowena's face. She stared at you, taking in your tear-drenched face, taking in all the hurt your features expressed, knowing that was just the tip of the iceberg. The true pain laid within you, nestled in your heart that beat like crazy, as if it would jump out it's bodily cage any moment now and burst into thousands of pieces. 

You were one of the few people Rowena allowed herself to be kind to, but she could be stubborn. If her pride ordered her to put on a brave face and act as if she was in the right, then she would do it. Taking small breaths in desperate attempts to get your breathing under control, you stared back at her, every cell in your body begging for her to let it go. She was obviously in a bad mood today; there was no point in forcing her to apologize. If she was going to stay mad at you, all you wanted was for her to keep her anger to herself. You couldn't handle another one-sided screaming match. 

Much to your surprise, Rowena's expression softened. Opening her arms, she said in a kind, gentle voice, "Come here." 

Cautiously, you walked over to the couch, sitting down next to her. You lowered your head on her shoulder, letting her wrap her arms around you. She held you tight, hands tapping your back in a calming manner, like a mother soothing a child. 

"I just wanted to teach you how to drive," she said. 

"I told you I wasn't ready," you said. 

One of her hands moved to the top of your head, caressing your hair. "Remember last week, when that hunter attacked you?" 

You nodded, shivering at the memory. The man was persistent, chasing after you for what seemed like miles. He wasn't going to stop until one of you was dead. And, considering he'd earlier managed to slip an iron cuff around your wrist, all signs pointed to that being you. It was the middle of the night; the town was empty, most of the people being either home or inside bars and nightclubs. 

You were running through the mostly empty parking lot, not a helpful soul in sight. Luck seemed to be on your side, however, as one of the few cars that had been parked there happened to be unlocked – and the owned had, as it turned out, left the keys inside. 

The only problem was, you couldn't drive. 

Had Rowena not arrived shortly after, you would have been dead. 

Oh.  

Oh!  

"If you'd known how to drive, you could have gotten away," Rowena said. 

How have you not connected the dots sooner? 

"You're scared," you stated, more to yourself than to her. 

"I don't want to lose you," Rowena said after a few quiet moments. It wasn't easy for her to admit to concern. 

Slipping an arm around her middle, you said, "You won't." You backed away from the hug, looking into her eyes. They were as tearful as yours, only she was strong enough to not let any tears fall. For now. You cupped her cheek, tenderly stroking it with your thumb. "Talk to me next time, okay? So shit like this doesn't happen." 

She smiled. "I suppose I was acting a bit…" 

"Bitchy?" you suggested. 

"Bitchy," she agreed, chuckling. "I'm sorry for being so hard on you, darling." 

It must have been hard for her to gather the courage and say it out loud. It was a well-known fact that Rowena MacLeod never apologized – and when she did, she usually had ulterior motives. 

This apology, however, was genuine. She meant every single word. Your heart filled with warmth. It was rare for her to acknowledge her remorse, yet for you she did. 

You pecked her on the lips in acceptance of her apology. "I'm sorry for what happened. I really didn't–" 

Rowena pressed a forefinger to your lips, shushing you. "I know." 

"I would never hurt you on purpose." 

"I know," she repeated. 

You smiled. "I love you very much." 

"As do I you." 

You let her pull you into another embrace, melting as her warmth collided with yours. Be it a small argument or one of you hitting the other with a car, the two of you could never stay angry at each other for too long. 

A/N: Please, don’t hit people with your car, even if they’re being bitchy.

Tags: @apritelleorai @darktweet @oswinthestrange @songofthecagedmoose @apurdyfulmind @getthesalt-sam @christinalibertymikaelson @violinmyhead @royalrowena @supwhorecorp @salembitchtrials @jay-eris @hellsmother @elizabeth-effie @victoriasagittariablack @rowenaswife

Read on AO3.

#rowena #rowena x reader #rowena macleod #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfic #fanfic #fanfics #fanfiction #spn #supernatural #my fics #my baby ran me down #whump #rowena macleod x reader

[sidnihoudini]

Hey Sid! I'm asking you coz you seem to know a lot bout this stuff. How do you think celebs even manage to keep their personal life real private? I mean, they must fuck people n stuff n even if they sign smth how does this stuff not get out there once in a while? lol, sorry if this is totally stupid. Also, your last f&k bit is superb!!

It’s not stupid at all!! And thank you, I’m happy you liked it 🤓

This is gonna be a classic Sidni goes on and on about celebrities and pop culture longform answer haha.

Before I get to the relationship and fucking bit, I wanna talk about how celebrities craft their public personality. I’m gonna use Chris cause I’m assuming we’re all familiar with him haha.

So Chris (and his team) have worked hard over the last seven or eight years to Frankenstein together the guy we see in the media today. He’s the bro with the ~heart of gold, who loves his mom and his fam and Disney. He cries and plays sports and has anxiety and posts about politics on Twitter.

This isn’t the real Chris. Yes, I’m sure all of these things are PART OF his real personality, but it’s the tip of the iceberg. They’re talking points that are safe for public consumption, and are there to create the illusion of a fully formed person who shares his insecurities and anxieties with the world. Creating a two-dimensional (he’s happy but he also suffers from paaaanic attacks) public facing image of himself removes the ability for ill-intending media to create their own versions/stories on his bad habits.

When you share a curated version of your personality publicly, it gives you some room to keep your private self truly private.

When it comes to meeting people to fuck and date, it really depends on the level of celebrity the person is. There’s a difference between even Chris and Seb, and there’s especially a difference for someone who is part of a gigantic corporation like Marvel/Disney, versus someone who isn’t.

For example, back in the day (pre-TFA announcement), there were rumors about Chris all over ONTD and the then gossip blogs. I’m not gonna repeat them here cause I don’t want Lisa to track me down lmao. Anyway, the rumors gained traction and everyone knew his habits and his literal mother set her lawyers upon ONTD’s doorstep. It happens to a lot of B-list celebrities, because people talk, apparently especially after you fuck them.

I think a lot of A-list celebrities stick to people in the industry, who are either parallel or just below their success. A-list seem to date slightly down, and B-list seem to date slightly up. I guess the implication here is that, if necessary, the A-list person still maintains the power and can blacklist the B-list person if they try and fuck them over.

Looooots of celebrities also date co-workers, or people they meet through work. Which makes sense, right? I can name a handful of my own friends who are dating people they’ve met through work.

There are also a lot of straight women and gay men who have made a lifestyle out of dating and fucking celebrities. They’re kind of, for lack of better word, “professional significant others” and have a reputation of being safe and discreet.

We also have to remember that a large part of a celebrity’s brand is the parts of their private life that become public - and they’re aware of that, too. They will make commodities out of things (like relationships) just so they can sell them.

Have you ever noticed that Seb can be spotted and selfied a thousand times in Manhattan, but can just as easily disappear for a few days or a week? When celebrities don’t want to be found, they aren’t.

Man... does that even answer your question? I hope so. I always go on and on about these kinds of things haha.

#goss #anon #replies

[disarmingly]

I'm curious how do you feel? What are you thinking about right now? Your little drabble and pics have such a sense of longing and bittersweetness to them that I guess you somehow must feel it yourself right now for it to be portrayed so raw and real and beautifully.

!!!! i am putting this under read-more! the contents are not very good/hopeful as i would like to portray and convey primarily online but they are an edited down truth. trigger(????) warnings for depression, general sadness, self-loathing, mention of suicidal thoughts/ references even in fiction, that whole bucket hat of stuff.

!!!!!! i have been going through a not so great time. for a while. and i try to keep that edited down and i am not very good at it so it leaks out everywhere as you probably noticed and i guess my point is that all that leakage IS me trying to keep it to myself and failing, tip of the iceberg kind of deal. !!! 

i do my best to find good in things because if nothing else i feel i owe it to the universe to do so --- this will sound stupid i guess but the series noragami? there is this part where a guy is considering ending his life bc he’s in debt etc etc and in the midst of trying to persuade him to let go of the one thing keeping him from being able to take that choice back and actually live, he says he doesn’t want to let that one thing (his ‘love’ of a girl so to speak/ his memory) go and i don’t remember yato’s exact response verbatim but he’s basically like if you’re willing to literally die like this then you have no business loving anyone in the first place. i think this can be taken wrong, too simplified, but in my opinion the true and more complex intent is that the struggle and pain of being alive helps us be able to appreciate true love -- for our friends, for our family perhaps, for romantic partners, for our pets, for any other living being and later perhaps for their memory.  i’m digressing but i’m trying to say that i think of stuff like this when it gets really bad, which unfortunately it has been for a while. 

people do not generally like to know Too Much i guess unless it makes them feel powerful but once in a while knowing Enough makes people feel close and that’s not a bad thing. so i guess in the hopes that it’s the latter, that i won’t scare people away, or disappoint them, i’m trying to be honest here without going overboard. 

you know when you hit a ball in a pinball machine and it goes literally everywhere? my mental state is that ball and almost everything is one of those little switches. i think a lot of people feel this way in varying degrees. at the stage i am, i feel overwhelmed all the time in a very negative way. on top of that, i have been fighting tooth and nail to get back to a place with writing that doesn’t feel so wretched but i can’t seem to get there. i produce work, it can’t be worked over more -- i recognize that at a certain point and post it, or it’s a fly-by-night kind of knee jerk result of feelings and such more than equal parts planning and feeling -- but it’s not right. i went a while without being able to write anything, so to be able to write here was such a relief i cried for weeks and i guess that had to do with the death all around me too but i’m being plain as i can be when i say my only worth i ever was able to recognize was my writing. it’s still true. so when it goes long times without working or being recognizably working to me, it does something bad to me.

i am working to get past it, every day. a sentence here. a thought there. i try new methods, new styles, but writing to me is as close maybe as i would get to falling in love? but if it could be, and it definitely could, it is that thing where you fall in love but the person does not fall in love with you back. i can chase, i can try to change everything. but it’s not reciprocal in a way that makes me feel like i can look to it. and i guess that’s hard for me, even if it sounds stupid. 

i want to be so much better than i am and improvement is so slow i don’t even think it may be happening.

that sense of longing, that bittersweet?? ness??? it’s definitely tehre. and it has to do with other things too i’m sure --- people. fear. bad things that have happened lately and set me back actual years. 

i am rambling. anyway that longing is just...i think the feeling of someone powerfully in love and watching it fade or afraid it’s already gone and maybe it’s one’s own fault? is how i feel. it’s just about writing and people, and it gets infused into how i see things like hyyh and many of my aus where people wonder about the choices they made or didn’t make, about worth. and about whether it’s okay to love people when even that love is unreliable. is it okay for me to continue so erratically? that sort of thinking. 

there is this idea if you keep producing a volume of work eventually you crest that hard spell, but for some people it’s months and others it’s years and that’s scary. i honestly kind of hate it. it feels lonely and it feels impossible. i can’t write largely accessible things. i can only write closer to what i know and that’s definitely a weakness. but it would be okay if i could stop losing it all the time, but i’m mainly good at losing it seems. ah i’m sorry this is very negative i wanted to try to be more practical. 

i get so worried about everything. i do long for things. mostly to not feel...like i usually do. but it’s up to me i guess in the end to see it through to that point, should it ever come. it’s my responsibility. and i do take it seriously despite all my sadness and Wanting of things that perhaps aren’t things i deserve. 

idk if this answered your question or just gave you more.... oTL forgive me...