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not-poignant · 9 months

Note

11 & 15 :)

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

(Note: This one has several unpopular opinions re: authors rewriting fics in particular, so please just...do not keep reading if you've ever rewritten a story you've released on AO3 or rewritten a serial or something, because like, slakdfjas how I feel about what I do has nothing to do with how other people do their stuff, lol).

Hmm.

Okay, yes, I do have a darling graveyard. In total, since I started writing as a kid, I've shelved about 5-6 completed novels. Maybe more. I didn't do it while actively writing them, I finished them, really believed in them, and one day reread them and realised they would stay on my hard-drive. That's fine. I don't really grieve them. Some I feel nothing for. In fact not having many feelings about the story was one of the reasons I shelved it.

I am not, otherwise, a very brutal 'kill your darlings' person. I'm a big believer in restorative methods and problem solving. For anyone who is familiar with Clifton Strengths, Restorative is in my top 10. I would rather fix or mend something, than shelve it or give up on it, and that part of my personality is a perfect match with writing an ongoing serial.

Here's the thing, I write most of my serials in an ongoing way with no plan. If I abandon the serial, I abandon my readers who are invested in the serial. That's a very different process to writing a novel that no one else except maybe an editor or beta is seeing.

I have to be - imho - from an integrity perspective, accountable to the process. And the process demands that I not pull a serial halfway through and then replace it with something new or not replace it at all. Firstly, there will be readers who always prefer the first version, and that shafts them. And secondly, it is almost always possible to mend a story, or write yourself out of a cul de sac. I enjoy the problem solving, I enjoy thinking on my feet, and the moments of being blocked because I broke something in the story are vastly outweighed by the times I unblocked and let the river flow again.

This is also why when I edit Game Theory, I'll always leave the original on AO3. It's also why I haven't deleted fanfic I'm actually pretty ashamed of and couldn't reread again. Like I have het Glee fanfiction on my not_poignant account and I never want to read it again. I'm not deleting it. I'm not going to shelve it. People gave it kudos, they bookmarked it, and I don't know those people and I know they can read something better, but once it's up, I am accountable to that visibility. I know what it feels like to go back and read that one special fic that for some reason you just really love, only to find out it's been deleted. And yes, we can always download stories, but I can also just choose not to be a dickhead to my readers in that fashion, so I won't.

Putting the rest under a cut because well there's more but also I might be very Unpopular Opinion about this and I feel pretty strongly about it.

(There are of course valid reasons people delete their stories, like, 'this username is connected to my legal name and I'll get fired if these stories are found' (though they can always be orphaned / made anonymous), but 'I hate this story' to me is just... /thinks/ I don't really want to let my mental illness win or be more important than the folks who might really love that one story and find something important in it. That's just.... how I think about it - if I can make sure another reader never feels that kneejerk broken-hearted feeling of having a favourite fic deleted, even just a dumb little Glee fic that's terrible, then like, yeah I won't make them feel that way just because I feel something like shame or disappointment in something. Because I have the power to also not think about those stories and then it doesn't affect me lmao).

I always have very mixed feelings when authors remove or completely rewrite a fanfic for example on AO3 - it is obviously completely their right, I feel really sad on behalf of every reader who will forever miss that original version. And as a reader, I've had this happen to me. An author has removed or rewritten a story, and I just loved the original more. I've never loved a rewritten version of a fic more than the original version. Not once. Not ever. Some of us preferred the more raw and ugly version, that was less like a generic novel and felt less like 'I've learned how to publish books now so I'm going to polish this up even though that's not why almost any of my readers are here.' And I'm painfully conscious of that re: Game Theory lol.

I guess I have really strong opinions about this. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like once I put something in public, I have pledged a certain amount of loyalty to a story, and a certain amount of respect and dignity to the reader. My loyalty to the story is that I will make it the best it can be in my capacity at the time. My respect and dignity re: the reader is that I will respect their love of the thing, even at the expense of indulging the intrusive thoughts of a mental illness, even if I don't understand how anyone could love the thing.

Shelving a serial isn't really something I want to do, and that's the closest I think I come to 'killing your darlings.' These days, therefore, I'm just a lot more discerning about what long-term projects I commit to before I commit to them. Because once I'm in, I'm all in. I'd rather quit writing entirely than leave a big serial unfinished, delete it, and start something else instead. Like, how bad am I at writing if I can't mend what I broke?

(Again, this isn't how I feel about other people's writing, it's just very important to my process that I be accountable to the story and the characters once I get started. I suspect other authors instead are more accountable to the quality of the writing and in giving their readers the most 'perfect' version of a story ever, or maybe they're just more accountable to that niggling 'I could have done that better' feeling. It manifests in many different ways! My method works best for me, but it is very much tied in with my personal sense of ethics and values that I impose on myself and try and live by.)

As to grieving... There's one novel I really regret shelving the most, but that's because I shelved it for reasons partially outside of my control - it needs an Australian Aboriginal sensitivity reader who is comfortable reading m/m romance with explicit sex. After months and months of searching, I found someone, gave them an upfront $150 USD deposit (about 6 years ago now), with the rest to come later, and they disappeared with my money and never spoke to me again. Ever since then, I have looked occasionally for a sensitivity reader in that area, but I've kind of suspected it's too niche of a thing to need, and I also can't lose that much money again. I've never spent that much on a single marketing budget for Perth Shifters, for example.

That's a standalone Fae Tales novel set in the southern hemisphere, with an entirely new cast, called Tradewinds and I'd really love for y'all to read it, but I sadly don't see it ever happening.

That one I'm really sad about. And I guess I could rewrite it to have zero Aboriginal Australian representation even though it's set in Australia, but like... :/ Y'know? Not ideal. But maybe that's the only way this story can exist, or maybe it just shouldn't exist in the first place. So it's shelved. A very few select people have read it, and everyone who's read it has enjoyed it, but none of those people have been Aboriginal Australian, and you know, I don't want to make some kind of horrendously awful fuck-up so we just... quietly leave that one in its folder and forget it exists most of the time.

15. Do you write in the margins of your books? Dog-ear your pages? Read in the bath? Why or why not? Do you judge people who do these things? Can we still be friends?

Mmm, I only write in the margins of some books, and only if they're mine.

I dog-ear my pages, I don't care how expensive or special edition the book is. If it's mine, I can do what I want with it. I see no point in being precious about physical objects, when what matters are the words inside, and not whether the page has a crease in it.

I don't read in the bath because I don't have baths. But also because I want to empty my head in the bath, so I just want to not think about anything at all.

I don't judge people who do any of these things to their own property. I get mad if they do it to my property (basic respect bruh), and I do judge the people who judge me for what I do with my own property. They're in the same category as grammar pedants, imho.

From the Weird Writer Asks meme!

#asks and answers #memey goodness #pia on writing #and you know i'm realistic that some people might hate that #i don't rewrite or improve a story once i know that i can #maybe they think that's not being accountable to my readers #we all have our own processes #and maybe it's silly and ridiculous to have so much earnestness tied up in this job #but how do people think that i manage to finish a 1.5 million word series #without things like this in the structure of my mind?#because if i just listened to my weasel-brained mental illnesses #i would have deleted my whole account years ago #thinking: 'but... even if i think they're wrong - i think some readers would be sad about this'#has sometimes been the ONLY reason i kept the stories up #and came back and kept writing again after i got through the depression episode #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

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opalsiren · 2 years

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an entirely exhaustive list of all the times rikki and zane help or 'save' each other:

in 1x10 'the camera never lies' rikki saves zane from getting eaten alive by sharks. later, she tells him he was brave for trying to beat his father's record surfing around mako when she sees that he's upset, to which he replies 'you're the only one who thinks so'

in 1x18 'bad moon rising' zane finds rikki having a full-blown breakdown on mako island after setting the place on fire, consoling her and telling her he understands her feelings of loneliness and isolation and maybe she sets him on fire after but it's cool it's chill

in 1x20 'hook, line and sinker,' zane offers rikki food when she says the restaurant she planned to visit is full. when they get trapped on a balcony together, she is able to calm him down and assuage his fear of heights almost immediately. she shares her past trauma with her family, zane empathises and assures her that money isn't everything, later helping her shelter from the rain when he thinks she's scared. his father insulting rikki prompts him to call harrison out for his abuse and neglect seemingly for the first time ever, perhaps spurred on by rikki's kindness and understanding

in 1x22 'fish out of water' rikki helps zane to stand up to his father and calls harrison out at an important luncheon with prospective investors. she affirms the value of zane's beliefs and encourages him to think for himself, leading zane to confront his father and leave the lunch with rikki

almost as soon as zane finds out rikki and the others are mermaids in 1x26 'a twist in the tail' he comes to their aid and saves them from being captured by dr. denman. this also culminates in him confronting harrison for the final time before he sees sense and starts working on his relationship with zane she's reaching your honour

in 2x03 'the one that got away' zane saves rikki from exposure when she gets splashed by nate and assures her nate didn't follow when he finds her at mako

in 2x08 'wrong side of the tracks' zane helps rikki to realise that she is worthy of love for who she is, not where she lives or how much money she has, and fixes her dad's bike which hasn't worked in months

in 2x11 'in over our heads' zane dives into the sea to save rikki after a crate falls on her head and once again helps her see that her loved ones care for her regardless of her financial situation. he also works together with lewis to find the crate again and get the reward money so rikki can afford to stay in the gold coast

in 2x18 'the heat is on' rikki stands up for zane to emma and ash after he gets kicked out of the juicenet and emma calls him a liar

in 2x24 'three's company' zane helps rikki to forget about the mermaid drama when she excludes herself from the group, tells her that she can go back to them whenever she wants, and later saves the mermaids from exposure when ash nearly catches them

anyway stan zikki for clear skin <3

#love is growth love is redemption love is your partner inspiring you to be better etc.#sometimes i think about how rikki is the catalyst for all of zane's development and how he is the same for her and i just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#also zane helps to her accept gifts graciously with the dress the locket and indeed her mp3 player #he also jumps into the sea after miriam tosses her locket there to find it for her... i'm soft #h2o just add water #.txt #h2o #queue #zikki #rikki chadwick #zane bennett

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