#so sad all the time no matter what. i think i am fundamentally broken to be fair but like. For why and for what | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

feralkwe · 25 days

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For the Director's Cut: To The Edge (And Back Again)

Also, i just want to congratulate you on your exquisite taste of being an Elidibus fan. He is so <3

to the edge (and back again)

this dinged danged fic may be the best work i've ever published. it is, hands down, the one i am most proud of writing, and definitely the one i worked the hardest on. so many lovely little threads to pull together. i spent so much time reading so much lore, combing wikis, sifting through short stories with a fine toothed comb. listening to music. replaying cutscenes. i've never worked so hard to get the lore so right (and i still made some pretty big errors!). it is the most work i've put into a fic ever, and my only chaptered canon character centric work. in a way, it was my white whale. it is by and far the most popular fic i've ever written.

the shb patches gently and slowly broke me as the more we learn about elidibus through them the more he broke my heart. in the beginning i was furious about what he does to ardbert, and it quickly evolved and i felt awful by the conclusion. at the end of the trial the wol is putting down the remaining shell of a very broken man, angry and mad and absent the memories of why he is so driven, and in the throws of rage in his grief at being the last of the unsundered. there was no glory in that victory. nothing to take pride in. it is quickly apparent after anamnesis anyder that he is unwell. even y'shtola mentions that it seems like a mercy killing put in motion by emet-selch. i think the game meant for me to be very sad about one thing at the end of seat of sacrifice, but i was very, very wrapped up in elidibus' fate. the wol has no choice but to stop him, and the only way to stop him is to kill him. i was devastated that it came to that. perhaps being someone who suffers from psychosis made it personal. i couldn't say for sure.

and then after all of it, he gives the very last of his self, his essence, to send us back in time to do what he could not.

it was some time before i did the pandaemonium raids, and they smacked me in the face from the moment you drop into elpis. i became preoccupied with elidibus (and since i played them so late, i already knew the themis-elidibus connection). how did this clever, sweet, smart, driven, and oh so young man who valued his job and duty above all else, get to "i'm going to sacrifice myself to give life to god?"

more than that, the overarching story of ffxiv reinforces a falsehood that zodiark was corrupt, power hungry, and even the source of all evil right up until fandaniel actually corrupts him. this just is not true. even though the writers carefully leave us a trail of crumbs to lead us to question the in-world narrative of zodiark's motivations and morality, much of fandom blithely accepts hydaelyn's misleading of the wol and the word of the lopporits, who are unreliable, being literal creations of hydaelyn herself. the zodiark plan worked. the souls who sacrificed themselves saved the world, at least bought it time. and elidibus somehow got to a place where he felt it was his sole responsibility to bear it all.

it worked. and the burden broke him on the most fundamental level even before hydaelyn made her choices.

that journey gripped me so hard that i had to tell that story. i had to set the record straight in a way that satisfied me. the souls who fueled the creation of hydaelyn get to be literal gods. the souls sacrificed to zodiark are all but forgotten. we only know one of their names. elidibus fought until his last breath for them, for better or for worse. that has to matter.

and now i kill him at least once a week in the hopes of getting my hands on that "fleeting moments" orchestrion. i begged forced my free company to help me do the seat of sacrifice (extreme) so i could get the axe that drops.

so, thank you for this ask. i am so normal about elidibus in a way i've never been normal about another fictional character before.

#ask memes #from the annals of my askholebox #ffxiv #fic asks #elidibus #zodiark #iapetusneume #this is a pro-zodiark blog

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stayoutofitnick · 8 months

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I really really want to like the wheel of time show but

(negativity under a read more)

I am really frustrated by how the show is handling race and gender. I appreciate the increased and explicitly racial diversity. But the colorism of the most evil characters in the show having the darkest skin is only slightly better this season than last.

While the women are more complex, I feel like 30 years after the books, the women are actually weaker than in the books and it breaks my heart to see it. instead of powered by rage, Nynaeve the most powerful channeler is just…useless at channeling most of the time. And she doesn’t lead well. Basically what does she do. And changing it from angry to angry or afraid feels diminishing to me. Look at the scared girl. Especially since she’s almost never able to use her power. And choosing Lan over going through the arch also infuriated me. The person who is full of rage and power and dedication and can heal so well basically tags along and is in love and I hate it. I understand people mock the braid tugging and low cut dresses for good reason but at least she was a badass. Moiraine is literally depowered and sad most of the season. She isn’t leading, she isn’t planning, she isn’t powerful she’s mopey and weak. Lanfear is not clever and her scheme is basically try sleeping with him. Her power is only that she can come back from being stabbed thanks to the Dark One. We don’t even get to see her contrive a meet cute. (Also why does she wear black?) That she turned to the Dark One because of ambition and brilliance and science is turned to no she liked a guy and got rejected, when the books clearly acknowledged she was basically using that as an excuse.

why does the evil woman have to hate men after being a rape survivor???

also, the lack of drawl/southern or Texas accent for the society enslaving people. It’s such a good comment removed (also the light skinned dessert people…)

And while I support changes to make a coherent, tv, modern story, in addition to changes above there are several this is not my wheel of time and my beloveds changes/moments for me (the he would not fucking say that)

Min working with the dark side. Mat not comforting Egwene. everything with Perrins love life. I don’t like Faile or their romance but the whole dead wife in love with Egwene thing is annoying to me. Egwene killing. Egwene not being good at school. (She’s a gunner.) the way the collars work. That it’s a one to one bond that breaks if the sul’dam dies, that the distinction is weaker versus stronger not those who can learn versus the innate spark. The downfall of the Seanchan empire is not seeded. The three oaths aren’t named, and the one power is regularly used as a weapon and to kill, especially by Moiraine. And I overall feel the white tower, Aes sedai, and oaths while being more heavily featured are not explained so the Whitecloaks view of them as dangerous is more supported and the betrayals of paths hit less hard. Very curious how tv only people understand all of that.

also curious how tv only view the whitecloaks. I’m concerned Dain Bornhald may be combined with Galad and we don’t see the insidious appeal of what is at heart an evil group, or understand why they are evil and not just a few bad apples. ..

Also very curious how tv only people view the prophecies or understand the Dragon. Do they understand the fear of the work being broken?

anyway all of that makes me sad because the show is pretty and it’s trying and I do think adaptions should make changes and I was always going to be annoyed by some but these feel like they fundamentally don’t get the nuance of the world or the power of my favorite characters. (In contrast, changes that annoy me but don’t actually matter: ok fine Lanfear can wear black. Closing your eyes to channel.)

there are things I like! There are changes I like! I think combining characters makes a lot of sense. I honestly wish cadsuane were written out but if she won’t be introducing her a lot sooner as a concept is great. Having Nynaeve spend time as a novice makes sense. Alanna as a character and her development. More warders with personalities. Fewer Foresaken. Recognizing a hero of the horn as a friend. Combining some of the books journeys. More time with Elyas.

just. Feeling very frustrated because I want to be like there’s my blorbos and be happy.

#wot book spoilers #wot show spoilers #wot show negativity #wheel of time #wheel of time s2

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invisiblegarters · 1 year

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The End of the World With You Ep 7

Here we are at the penultimate episode. Are you excited? I’m excited. Somehow this show and Bed Friend are my favorite things currently airing.

Man Ritsu is really reflecting on his choices, huh? Have to say that I didn’t expect it, and I do sort of wonder how long he’s been doing so. Presence of the death pill makes me think longer than the world has been ending.

Ooh some Ritsu backstory! I wonder if it’ll make me feel more sympathy for him. I’m sure that’s the intention.

Oh my gosh. Why are parents so awful lately in these dramas? Like who tells their child that they can’t go to the best uni in Japan just because the legitimate kid didn’t get in? Good lord. Parents really do need to stop taking their own screw ups out on their kids. I don’t like Ritsu much, but it’s not actually his fault that his dad cheated on his wife with his mom. Like. Ugh. That little look towards his mom kinda hurt me a bit. No help there, buddy.

In a way I can see why Ritsu’s life mantra is what it is. Pretty much everyone in his life seems to live that way, after all. But

Ah, so Masumi was special. As special as I guess anyone can be to Ritsu. And ooh, nice to see him acknowledging finally exactly what he did to cause the breakup. I’m like a broken record, but there’s nothing wrong with being unable or unwilling to commit to one person so long as everyone is aware and understand / agrees with the situation. But Ritsu knew that Masumi was the one person type. He knew, and so he selfishly tried to have his cake and eat it. Now, Masumi made a lot of assumptions (never ever believe that a player has or will change for you. it’s a sure way to find yourself heartbroken) but Ritsu knew he was making them and let him keep on because he knew that if Masumi ever found out that he was still sleeping with whoever it would be the end.

And I definitely don’t blame their old friend for telling him to keep the hell away when Ritsu made noises about contacting Masumi again. It was a messy break up and a wound that never quite healed over for Masumi, I would say the same if I were his friend. Sometimes you don’t get do overs (unless, I guess, the world is going to end in a matter of days. That would kind of make a lot of things seem less important overall).

That said, I think it’s pretty obvious that Ritsu is depressed and has convinced himself that this is just one more reason he’s the devil incarnate or something. Like there’s something fundamentally broken inside of him.

I disagree with that line of thought. Oh boy do I.

I’m also wholly unsurprised that the first thing Ritsu does after being confronted with his worst failures is go straight for the death pill. Yeah he’s only got to live with himself for what? Two, three more days? but I can see how that might seem like forever when all you can think about is what a shit person you are and how you hurt everyone around you. Ritsu’s been flirting with that pill for a long time.

Ritsu in a nutshell: makes a selfish decision, regrets it, makes an even more selfish decision. My dude.

Masumi’s breakdown upon finding him trying to do the thing finally was really well done.

Turn a blind eye all you like Masumi but maybe get that other pill away from Ritsu just in case eh?

Aw, I’m really glad that Masumi told Ritsu he’s grateful for being dragged out of his inertia. Although my goodness The guy’s been beating himself up about it so much that even I feel a little for him, ha. I’m also grateful that the corpse disposal wasn’t needed after all. That might have put a damper on Masumi’s new ten day lease on life.

I bet the cold water feels really good on his hurt ankle, too.

Not entirely sure I am buying into the romance, I have to say, but this drama is so rich in other ways that I’m not even bothered. In a very big way it’s not even really about the romance, anyway.

I will be sad when it ends. And not just because I don’t really believe it’s going to end happily.

Damn, I love this drama.

#the end of the world with you #bokura no micro na shuumatsu #episode 7

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the---hermit · 2 years

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Hi :> I'm following your blog since before you started your thesis and now you are at the finish line i'm feeling so proud of you, even if we do not know each other °=° I wish the best from life, the best for you!

I wish for me the same strength i'm seeing in you, for overcome the fear i bear for life, for the unknow.

May I seek an advice from you: where would you start to rebuild your life after so many years of freezing depression? How to justify the time I lost to others?

Sorry for the sad conclusion, thank you for sharing your experiences, your constant improvement and for your blog.

p.s. sorry for the broken english, definitely not a fluent speaker or writer here :p

Have the most delight day (or evening)!

Hello anon! This is one of the sweetest things I ever got in my inbox, thank you for putting a big smile on my face and supporting me 💜. Do not worry for your English, it's not my first language either and I make more mistakes thank I'd like to admit.

Do not apologize for asking help to recover from depression, it's brave of you do reach to someone, and I really hope I can provide even the tiniest bit help. You are hitting close to home with your questions, I have been struggling with anxiety and panic as well as depression since I was in high school, and although I am much better than I was before I know it's a long process to get your life back. Small steps, that is the way I have learned to approach everything. Small little things, focus on one thing, and if it doesn't wrok right away give that time. Whatever you do do not blame yourself, insted do your best to focus all your energy on the small things that went well. Reflection on the bad parts of life is fundamental in my opinion but that has to be done when you are in the right headspace so that it won't send you spirling down even more. One thing that helped me a lot is at the end of the day no matter how bad it was to find at least one thing I am grateful for. That can even be I took a few minutes to listen to my favourite song, anything, but take a few minutes of your day to focus on that, I'd recommend writing in down so you keep yourself accountable. I have been doing this everyday for the past three or four years I think and it has slowly changed my prospective on a lot of stuff. Sometimes it will come natural, others you'll have to force yourself, but try it. Also be proud of yourself for the small things you accomplish everyday, even if that's just taking a shower, or going out to get groceries. That is a lot of effort when depression is pulling you down, so be proud of yourself for doing that, and maybe keep track of that as well, one thing a day everyday. As for the time lost to others, this one is a struggle, I know it personally, but you know what my friend? You cannot turn back time. I am still learning that letting go of people and accepting not having them in your life anymore, even if it was good to let go of them sometimes, is a long journey made of a lot of steps. You'll be angry, you'll be sad, you'll learn to accept it. Whatever you do do not let nostalgia fool you, ever, nostalgia is a bitch that never shows you the full picture. I have learned that accepting time lost to others is made of accepting that no matter how much that hurt you those experiences made you who you are in the bad and good, that will make you furious and grateful at the same time, which is not easy to deal with. But at the end of the day it's part of your history and you can't go back in time, it's just there in your past. Try to work all the good and bad feelings as soon as they come to you, keep a journal pour everything out, do not for the love of the gods repress feelings surrounding this topic. By experience it's something that will haunt you anyway so do not give it more power than it already has. You can only go forward, you are not your old self anymore, which is good cause you won't get hurt anymore in the same way. You have always control over one thing in life and that is how to react to things, take a deep breath and choose how you want to use that small bit of control you have.

In general first steps are the hardest all of the time, you will be scared and tired, cause that's what depression does to you, but with small steps you'll get control back. You can do it, I believe in you, amd when you'll find youself in one of those days that are hard and scary let yourself just flow gice yourself a break. Sometimes you fight sometimes you can't and that is okay, as I said small steps. If I can be of any help or support I am here, and know that I have your back. Be kind to yourself you've been through a lot and you deserve that. One of the biggest challenges for me over the years has been allowing myself to be, to feel, and to put my wellbeing first. Very hard to learn, still not a pro at it, but at the end of each day I know I am the one person that no matter what will always have my own back and that gives me hope.

I really really hope I was of some help, as I said I am always here if you need support, good luck with your journey, try to see it as a new exciting beginning even if it's scary sometimes. Thank you again for your support, your words really brightened my day💜🌿. This also felt like writing a letter to my younger self in some ways so thak you for that cause in a way I did a bit of work on myself too. I forgot to mention whatever you do do not let depression and loss define you those are parts of your history not of who you are.

#i am giving you an internet hug anon you deserve it #the answer might be messy and it is but i flowed with it i hope it made sense #this really felt like writing to my younger self #anon #ask #asked #asks #answered #depression #mental health #presonal #cris spreaks #mine #the---hermit

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emptymanuscript · 6 months

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This Video feels extremely appropriate for me today

youtube

Her solution actually brings to mind my recent success in weight loss (which is turning around at the moment so I'm thinking about what worked and what didn't a lot right now).

One of my fundamental strategies that brought me down from a high a high of 218 at the start of the year to a low of 170 in October, was a focus on dessert. I have a horrendous sweet tooth. I have tried to cut out desserts before. It never works for me. So, what I did this time around (right up until Halloween >_<) was plan dessert.

Instead of trying to not have dessert, I made it a point to have a specific designated dessert that was within my guidelines every day. I always got dessert. It was just that I always got the planned dessert which I had planned around. And knowing that made it possible to govern my sweet tooth when I have always failed to get rid of it.

Cravings felt much less vicious when I could tell myself, honestly, you're going to get dessert. You're getting X at Y pm. I promise. I already bought it. I can see it right there. It's ready and waiting. You'll get something you like, I'm just not giving you this other thing Z that you want right now!

And I'm wondering if that's what I need to do with my news consumption:

Decide that there are certain news experiences that I get. I'm just going to give those to myself. Free and clear. I guarantee them. It's just that it is that specific behavior that is allowed rather than the general behavior and the planned behavior comes at the expense of impulsive behavior.

Seems like that would be harder with news.

Though that reaction tells me that it is probably a good idea to try and figure out how to do that.

...

Maybe use my Apomic Clock, since I bothered to make it and am fiddling around with it.

It is a 2 Hour "day" or 4 (+ large Break in between) Hour "day" if it is treated like an AM/PM. Each Pom is a period of 30 minutes, with 5 minutes of break/leeway on each end, to make 10 minutes of, hey, do you instead of doing what you should be doing. Essentially a broken up 4th Pom of doing something I want instead of something I should. And all together that takes 2 hours.

If I gave myself something like 2 Poms of News... that would be something like 80 minutes all together (because I know what I'll choose to do just because I want to, will be to take in more news).

That's a LOT of time.

But I think it is also LESS time overall than I'm spending now. If I actually chunked it all and compared. I think I'm spending something more like double that in information consumption.

And I don't think it is good for my mental health.

I have backslid a LOT this month. I would say pretty definitively that, overall, my worst self won November. Not to paint the rest of the year as paradisaical. I am generally not a healthy individual. But more of this year has actually been an upswing in my health as opposed to a downswing. And I would like to get back to going in that direction.

I am truly sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The time has come to change.

And my favorite 2 lessons from an AA (equivalent) member:

It is NEVER too late to decide you want to change your behavior. It doesn't matter if your drinking binge was last week, you can decide that that isn't what you wanted to do and decide, right now, to address the issues that enabled that behavior you want to change. Yeah, you still gotta deal with the consequences. But you can absolutely still work on it. No matter when. No matter what. It is NEVER too late. Not even necessarily when you're dead because that was when he decided to change his behavior, when they literally had to shock him back to life in the ER and it wasn't the first shock. It is NEVER too late. So, don't use what happened/is happening/will happen as an excuse. Use it as a reason to do what you really want: get better.

People do only change when they hit the bottom. Sad but true. However, what people often skip in that is that it is that they get to choose what is rock bottom. For him it was dying and having to be brought back. But plenty of people stop earlier. Rock bottom isn't a literal place, it's the place that is too far for YOU to keep practicing your old behaviors. You get to choose. You can say, right now, right where you are, for whatever reason you'll believe, that this is as low as you want to go. You do have to believe it. You can't BS yourself. But, let's face it, we've all done stuff that we never want to do again. We have all done stuff that feels so toxicly nasty to ourselves that we would do quite a lot to prevent ourselves from doing it again, even maybe changing how we lead our lives. So, let one of those be the tipping point. Let that be enough. Choose what has already happened as rock bottom and change yourself to approach your problems in a different way. No, it won't be easy. No, it won't be pleasant. No, it won't erase what has happened. But if you really do it, you don't have to go any lower. It's your choice. It will give you power. It will enable you to do YOU better.

I do not need the news. I don't. I know what is going on in general. Especially when it comes to the bad news. It's giving me specific instances, not diagnosing the problems. I can feel the exact same way about everything without accumulating ever more evidence that isn't pointing to anything new. I can act on the evidence that I have. I don't need convincing. I'm convinced of my positions already. All I'm getting is confirmation and rage and depression and anxiety - which are all different faces of the same dice.

When more than 50% of your chances are bad results, the only way to win is not to play. Stop rolling the dice.

Easier said than done.

But doable.

Yeah.

Ok, goal: 80 minutes on the Apomic Clock a day. That's it. That's all.

Reassess in January.

#Youtube

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qualitativenotquantitative · 2 years

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Hey friend,

I don’t know why I’m writing you again. I genuinely thought I could be done with this but now I think maybe I am spiraling after all. I go through these cycles where some weeks everything is as easy as it ever has been and some weeks I’ll have trouble lifting my head enough to get out of bed. I guess that’s just how life sometimes is. This past week (even with getting my wisdom teeth removed) has been a good one, and I really want to hold onto that.

Everything’s just so intense sometimes, and I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m young or if there’s just something wrong with me. I want to believe it’s the former. Because when things are good, they are REALLY good.

Here’s the deal though: I miss you. It’s stupid I guess. I keep telling myself that you never cared. It’s not that I really believe it, but I think I want to believe it because that makes things easier. Because if it’s true that you never cared, I have no choice but to move on, you know? It’s also easier because if it was all fake, I can be angry, and at least if I’m angry I’m not so sad.

I keep remembering stupid things. Like how on a band trip we tried sliding down the concrete ramp with our slick marching shoes. It was so easy to laugh with you. I think that’s what I want in someone. I want someone who’s up for stupid things like that. Adventure—being okay just laughing and being silly about things.

I also liked how you listened to me. I know intellectually that you were probably only listening because that’s the kind of person you are, and you care about what other people have to say, but it was easy to convince myself that you did it also because you cared about what I (specifically) had to say. People don’t always understand me. You tried. I’m not used to that kind of attention (the kind where someone genuinely wants to hear what you have to say about something), and you gave it to me with all the kindness and grace I never expected. Looking back, it’s not actually that hard for me to understand why I fell for you. I mean you were probably the coolest person I’d ever met. You were interested in games and robots and cookies and ethics and you had this heart stopping laugh and you even had a weirdly good taste in musicals.

But it doesn’t really matter how cool you were, does it? Because in the end, you disappeared. I was waiting for a chance to see you again. Every week I would get so hopeful only to crash when I realized you wouldn’t be there after all. And I was just left with this emptiness. This lack of closure or any real understanding. I didn’t get how you could just disappear. I started to think that it was because of me; I thought that I had messed things up somehow—that I wasn’t good enough in some fundamental way.

I’m removed enough now that I can recognize that it wasn’t ever about me. You were going through a lot, and honestly, so was I. I’ve never broken down like that before, and it definitely wasn’t your fault. Sometimes the pressure we put on ourselves just becomes too much.

But I do know that everything that happened wasn’t good for me. I needed consistency, and who did I find that in? My other friends. They grounded me in ways you never did. Because you weren’t there, and they were. I hate uncertainty, and I hated how bad I felt about myself every time I reached out only to receive silence in response. I never hated you though. Even at my worst, I understood that this was something I had to deal with. My feelings, my problems.

I’m just stuck with all these feelings now, and nothing to do with them. I know I have to let them go; there’s no other healthy outlet for this. Summer is supposed to be good for me. Being home distances me not only from you, but from that place as a whole. But I still can’t stop thinking about you. Maybe because—in spite of everything—some part of me still hopes that you will be there in fall. That we can start again and things could be okay.

It’s a fantasy though. I need to move on because it’s what’s good for me right now. Maybe you will be there in the fall. But I have to trust that future me will be able to deal with that. For now, I need to do something I’ve been failing to do for months: get on with my life.

I think I can do this. It’ll take time, but luckily, I have nothing but time right now.

Goodbye friend

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gothyhobbit · 2 years

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Grief is the most overwhelming feeling in the world.

I lost my grandmother Tuesday morning. I did get to say goodbye. I keep hearing her last words to me replay in my head over and over. “I love you. I wish I had had more money. I love you. I’m going to miss you.”

She was a person that supported me no matter what. She never understood my seemingly strange hobbies and interests. Nevertheless, she loved hearing me talk about them and show her things I had crafted. Her heart was bigger than most. She learned a lot growing older, and she did the work to become the amazing woman she was. She always wished she had had more money to take us places and gift us things. But none of that ever mattered. We just loved spending time with her. We loved how blessed we were that she was our grandmother.

Nothing prepares you for what comes after. I have lost people before, 2 friends-1 day apart. It fundamentally changed who I am. Loss just completely rewires your brain for a while.

I am a spiritual person. The night I said goodbye I asked my mother goddess to guide her to her next life safely. I also asked her to watch over my parents, as stress puts my mom at risk for seizures and my father now has to live life without his mother. I stayed with my mom until morning so that my dad could be with his mom until she passed on. As I expected to happen, I didn’t sleep, I just sat there.

My sibling told me at the hospital they were leaving Wednesday. They hadn’t told my parents. They booked a one way ticket to Oregon and they weren’t coming back. They left on not great terms. So I also said goodbye to them. At first I told them off. We fought a little. Then we cried and in each other’s arms. We lived together for over 20 years. Now I won’t see them more than once a year. My mom sobbed and sobbed. My dad looked furious and sad. I don’t think they’re prepared for life at all. All I can do is hope they figure it out.

For the last 2 days I haven’t been able to be alone for too long. I can’t hold it in. The tears spill out of me so intensely my body won’t stop shaking. My head pounds. My jaw hurts. My eyes burn. Everything around me feels broken.

Distraction helps, but only for so long. Grief is just unescapable.

#personal #TW: death

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eclipsednodes · 4 years

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SHADOW WORK SIMPLIFIED

What is shadow work?

If I had to describe shadow work in one word, it would be introspection. Introspection is the examination of your own mental state and is necessary in order to learn more about your fundamental nature. Although it may sound off-putting and even scary at first, shadow work is a necessary component in the process of healing. We all have aspects of ourselves that we’ve rejected and hidden away out of fear. Through shadow work, we’re able to reflect on our thoughts, emotions, and habits so that we can find the root cause of our suffering and heal ourselves. By reincorporating those aspects of ourselves that we’ve denied, we feel more fulfilled and can begin to love ourselves fully.

Where does shadow work come from?

The concept of the shadow self comes from Carl Jung who believed that our shadow self is the subconscious aspect, or “dark side”, of our personality that our conscious ego doesn’t identify with. However, I would like to clarify that “dark” does not imply or equate with bad. That which resides outside of our consciousness can be either good or bad, but aren’t inherently reflective of our value or “goodness” as a person.

Although these repressed aspects of ourselves can manifest negatively, it isn’t because those parts of us are “bad”, but that the process of repression is inherently painful and toxic. This is reflected by Jung when he states, "Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” He believed that until we’ve merged our conscious and subconscious selves, that our conscious would be “the slave of the autonomous shadow”. This is due to the shadow self overwhelming our conscious selves by falling victim to our own self-imposed traps.

Through assimilating this shadow self, not over-identifying with it, Jung believed we go through the process of enantiodromia, thereby integrating the subconscious by reincorporating our shadow selves into our personality and allowing us to solidify ourselves through wholeness. He best described this by stating "assimilation of the shadow gives a man body, so to speak.” However, don’t fall into the misconception that shadow work is a short-term practice. Shadow work is a continuous practice and integration of the shadow self is a will take place throughout your life.

How do I do shadow work?

In the last question, I identified that practicing self-reflection is a key component of shadow work, but what does that mean? What am I supposed to be reflecting on? Well, the first thing that you should focus on is being present throughout the day. Identify feelings that come up throughout the day and observe them objectively. What situation or interaction triggered these emotions? How did I react to those emotions? Were my emotions controlling me or was I in control of my emotions? Why did this situation or interaction cause me to feel this way? How did I cope with those feelings (self-harming, lashing out at others, communicating my feelings, journalling, etc.)? Did I punish myself for getting upset? If so, why?

There are numerous ways to reflect on your feelings and experiences in order to get a better understanding of yourself. Through evaluating how you react to situations, which situations upset you, and how you managed those feelings, you’re able to build the foundation to understanding your emotions and bridge the gap between your subconscious and conscious mind.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll find that the emotions you feel in the present are reflective of unhealed emotions from your past. Perhaps the reason you feel that you’re unable to set boundaries as an adult is because as a child, your parents never respected your boundaries by going through your phone or diary, yelling at you when you said no to a request, forcing you into situations that made you feel you had no choice.

By identifying the root cause of your emotional pain, you’re able to address it in the present and heal from the trauma. The simplest way that I’ve found to address them is through journalling. You can purchase a physical journal or even use your notes app, either way, you’re writing out your feelings and reflections to gain deeper insight. It’s important to remember that this looks different for anyone and that the best way to approach shadow work is by doing what feels most natural! You can choose to stick to self-reflective journal prompts, vent about whatever is upsetting you, write letters to whoever has hurt you, etc. Ultimately, you can guide yourself based off of what you feel you need and where you are in your journey.

What parts of yourself do you find yourself rejecting the most? Many of us have experienced the pain of rejection in some aspects of our lives and sometimes, it’s incredibly painful and leaves us with long-lasting wounds. We end up going through our lives carrying baggage that we don’t even know we have! Many times, I’ve found myself wondering why I felt so repulsed by aspects of myself and why I felt so strongly that they needed to be locked away forever. I couldn’t allow myself or others to see my truest self, my whole self, out of fear. I was scared of being rejected, shamed, humiliated by the people around me. I was scared of hurting other people by being myself and of being hurt by others. That’s no way to live, is it? When we tell ourselves that aspects of ourselves aren’t good enough, we end up going through life devaluing ourself. We’ve broken our own trust by rejecting ourselves, we’ve told ourselves that we aren’t good enough or worthy of love. In shadow work, you’re called to go inward and unpack everything that we’ve kept hidden for years and sometimes even decades.

Bring the parts of yourself that you’ve repressed to the surface and nourish them with love, allow yourself to see that ALL OF YOU is deserving of love and support. For you, that could mean unlearning your unhealthy beliefs about food or eating, allowing yourself to be emotional around the people you love (despite how much you were told that you were too emotional, a crybaby, too sensitive in the past), allowing yourself to relax without feeling guilty about not being productive because you recognize your needs (even though you feel your sense of worth is tied to being productive at the cost of your own health).

Common misconceptions about shadow work?

Shadow work is evil or bad, the shadow is evil or bad

The purpose of shadow work is healing through working with your subconscious to release repressed aspects of yourself and heal from painful, traumatic experiences. Your shadow side is simply your unconscious and to believe that it’s bad is to believe that you are bad. It’s merely the part of yourself that you aren’t aware of consciously and shouldn’t be feared.

Certain emotions are “bad”

When you let go of the idea that emotions are either good or bad, you’ll allow yourself to just be and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to feel “good” all of the time. Happiness isn’t a constant state of being so stop expecting to be all of the time, we have a range of emotions for a reason so stop being ashamed of them. Your feelings are natural and if you feel like they’re out of control and something to be ashamed of, there is nothing wrong with that! It’s okay to feel like your emotions are controlling you because that isn’t permanent. Your feelings aren’t permanent and are completely manageable with proper guidance! The reason you feel like your emotions are controlling you is because you probably don’t have the knowledge to cope with them in an effective and healthy way. It’s helpful to sit with your emotions alone and look at them objectively without placing any judgement on them, this will help you calm down and assess your feelings. From there, you can identify what you need to relax and recover as well as acknowledge to yourself that your feelings are natural. When you stop categorizing your emotions as bad, they’re no longer shameful to experience and therefore you can see with better clarity how to cope with them and move on.

I’ve already released it so…

Why am I still upset?

Why does it still keep popping up in my head?

Why haven’t I moved on?

Why am I not making progress?

With the rise of self development and spirituality, I find that more and more people are rushing to complete their healing. Healing is a continuous, life-long cycle and not a destination. Putting the pressure on yourself to reach the place of ultimate healing is not only toxic, but it impedes your ability to actually heal anything. Healing is about love, compassion, and patience and it’s not going to happen according to a timeline. Allow yourself the time to experience your emotions, see them objectively, forgive yourself and others and move on without the pressure of expectations.

Another reason that you could be experiencing this is that despite the work you think you’ve done, it hasn’t been sufficient. I’ve found that a lot of journal prompts provided online are surface level at best and can be more pacifying than revealing. If you’re not feeling anything while doing your inner work, you’re not doing it correctly. Ultimately, this is about uncovering what makes us UNCOMFORTABLE and moving through those feelings. When you allow yourself to experience the sadness, hurt, anger, and/or frustration than you’re telling yourself that these feelings are okay and don’t need to be suppressed. The reality is that no matter what you’re feeling, you are allowed to experience those emotions and it’s only human! Unfortunately, many people associate lower vibrational emotions as bad, but this is a huge misconception! Telling yourself that anger, sadness, etc. are “bad” implies that you shouldn’t experience these emotions and that you have to get rid of them which is not only wrong, but unhealthy. There is no right or wrong emotions so don’t buy into the belief that you should feel a certain way, simply allow yourself to be and you’ll find that it’s much easier to navigate your emotions and needs. The only way to make it to the other side is by wading through the water, be patient and know that you’re feeling exactly what you should be. When you stop censoring yourself, you’ll discover a newfound sense of freedom and wholeness.

If you find yourself circling back to certain topics, for example, your ex-boyfriend than perhaps there are triggers in your environment that remind you of the situation, you have more that needs to be addressed that you may not have been ready for or aware of previously (hence why shadow work is a practice that is ongoing), or they’re representative of a deeper issue that you’re repressing. Whatever the cause is, the same methods as earlier will apply and can be discerned through your own intuition.

What are some basic journal prompts that I can do?

What feelings come up when you think of ____?

How did that experience make you feel emotionally? How did it make you feel about yourself? How did it make you feel about the other person or people?

Write a letter to yourself, your inner child, the people who’ve hurt you, and the people you’ve hurt. Express how you feel honestly, without holding back and then forgive yourself and the other person.

If you could say anything to yourself or another person for closure, what would it be?

How have these situations and experiences impacted your mental health? How have they affected your belief system about yourself, other people, and the world?

What about yourself are you ashamed of? What about yourself are you embarrassed of? What about yourself makes you angry? What do you regret? Why do you feel this way about yourself and where do these feelings stem from?

What makes you feel most alone? What makes you feel most loved? How can you incorporate that knowledge into your life to make it better?

What’s the most hurtful thing someone has said or done to you? Why did it hurt you so much? How does it still affect you now? How can you heal from it and allow yourself to move on?

What do you need to forgive yourself for? What do you need to forgive others for?

Where do you feel you lack security in your life? Why? How does this impact your life and your relationships?

This is a list of generic prompts for you to start with, but feel free to message me if you need help with more specific topics or I can make another post altogether for journal prompts.

#shadow work #spirituality #witchblr #carl jung #witchcraft #energy work #healing #shadow self

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thehiddenmemoryuniverse · 3 years

Text

Lucifer Ending: Tragedy and Contradiction

Okay, so I tried really hard to resist the urge to post anything about it, and I even held out for over a week trying to process/calm my feelings about the ending to Lucifer. I’ve tried, I really have, but the more I try, the more I CANNOT rationalize that ending. As you may have guessed, I absolutely hated the ending, and I just really, really, have to get my feelings out about it. If you liked the ending (I really wish I could be you!!), you may want to skip reading any further (I recommend you do, in fact).

Ultimately, regardless of the details, that ending for Chloe/Lucifer is just way too heartbreakingly tragic and sad, however, this is made all the more unbearable because none of it makes ANY damn sense.

I’m just going to start by pasting a bunch of quotes first:

2x05

Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.

Mum: If anyone can find it, it's you.

2x02 Chloe: “Doing what's best for your child, it doesn't always make them happy.”

3x16

Cain: But you're the Devil, you always keep your word.

Lucifer: I do. So I hope you understand how difficult a decision this was. And yet, oddly, the easiest I've ever made.

6x01

Lucifer: I love you, Chloe Decker. I'd do anything for you. Except give you up. Give us up.

6x09

Lucifer: I need you to know that if there is any choice to be had at all, I will always... choose us.

6x07

Rory: You make choices, Mom. If I told you what they are, you wouldn't really be making them any more.

Yeah. Not going to comment further on these right now.

Nor am I going to even get into the whole fate vs free will. Regardless of your views on that debate, why on earth a show about free will spends its final season spotlighting the widespread, controversial debate of fate vs free will by introducing a time loop plot, I’ll never understand.

But even if we forget the numerous issues/contradictions with that (and the ridiculous irony of Rory’s quote shown above), and accept that Lucifer and Chloe chose this, I honestly feel like screaming because WHY??? Why on earth would they EVER want to chose this?

I know the 2 reasons given, the reasons everyone is speaking up with, the reasons expanded on at length in fanfiction, and I’ve tried really, REALLY hard to rationalize them in my head, tried to enjoy the sweet moments fanfic writers are trying to make of it, but I cannot. Because it doesn’t make any damn sense whatsoever to me.

Reason # 1: Lucifer never would’ve realized his ‘calling’ to help tortured souls in Hell.

Right. First of all, if it really is his ‘calling’ he would figure it out eventually because that’s what a bloody calling is. I mean really. Not to mention there was plenty of evidence that he was figuring it out already, and him figuring it out after actually helping people in hell (Jimmy, Dan, Mr. Said out bitch), makes way more sense than stopping someone from making the mistake of killing someone else.

And second, even if we accept the argument that he wouldn’t find his calling, we are then saying that he chose his ‘calling’ over his own family, the people he loves most of all? That’s beyond awful to me. And pretty much destroys all of the growth and beauty and love and development across the series. A complete contradiction to even earlier in series 6. See above quotes. Lucifer tells Chloe he’d do anything for her, except give her up, give them up. He tells her if there’s ever any choice to be had he would chose them (his family). So, what the heck? Which leads me to reason 2, and beware with continuing because this is UNBEARABLY frustrating to me so I may get a bit heated. I just can’t. I can’t understand this. Reason #2: They did it for their daughter, because she asked them to, because she didn’t want them to change her, because she’s happy with who she is, etc, etc..

This is the most widely accepted reason, the most referenced in fanfic, that it’s so beautiful because Lucifer and Chloe sacrificed everything for their daughter because they loved her so much.

I’m sorry, I really am, I tried so hard to make sense of this but it makes the least sense to me of all.

Why on EARTH is Rory growing up without her father better for her? Why on earth would Lucifer, of all people, knowing the pain it causes, ever chose that for his daughter?

This is not sacrificing for their daughter, this is sacrificing for NOTHING at all. This is doing the ABSOLUTE worst for their daughter, all because she asked them to?

And her asking them to in the first place makes no sense either. Why on earth would Rory ASK for it after all the pain it caused her? Earlier she told Lucifer and Chloe that him leaving ‘ruined her life’, and now all of a sudden she’s happy with it? After seeing and reading how much Lucifer and Chloe loved each other she wants to separate them? After saying she now loves Lucifer too she wants to do that to him? And you can’t tell me it’s her being selfless because she thinks he won’t find his ‘calling’ otherwise, because even if he doesn’t (which he would for reasons above), then again we are saying they are choosing a ‘calling’ over family, over those they love most. Or, even worse, Rory, is choosing FOR HIM and ROBBING him of his choice to chose his family over his ‘calling’.

No matter what way you spin it, it is just all kinds of wrong and messed up, and does not showcase the love the characters have for each other, nor the freedom of choice.

There’s nothing beautiful about any of this to me. It’s just plain awful and cruel for NO REASON.

Yes, I know I’m missing one popular theme with all of this, and I might just hate this one most of all: That even though Rory suffered it made her stronger, she’s proud of who she is, and they don’t want to change her, don’t want to ‘kill’ this version of Rory who grew up without her dad.

No. Just no. This pains me immensely. So we’re saying that she’s a better person having grown up without a Dad than she would’ve been growing up with a complete, loving family? That people who grow up with loving families can’t be as strong and proud of who they are? WTF?

Sure, we as people are only strong in life when we need to be but that doesn’t mean that someone who grew up more fortunate doesn’t still have the capacity for that strength (or that they don’t suffer in other ways).

Yeah, it’s beautiful when you grew up abandoned and were able to eventually overcome it, but in reality you’ll always be scarred to some degree, and you certainly would have been less messed up, happier if you hadn’t.

Changing the time loop so that Rory could grow up with her father in her life wouldn’t ‘kill’ her. Fundamentally she’d still be the same, still would have grown up with her ‘kickass’ mom. All the good parts would still be there. There would just be even more good and much less of the bad.

How on earth would Chloe and Lucifer not want to chose that?

There is no way anyone can ever convince me that you come out better growing up abandoned by your father than you would have if he hadn’t. Just no.

We are strong and proud to overcome something only when WE HAVE NO CHOICE. CHOOSING to suffer just to show how great you are afterward for overcoming it when you could have chosen NOT to suffer at all, is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

It reminds me of a quote from one of my childhood movies, the original “Lion King.’ Little Simba tells his dad he went looking for danger to show that he’s brave, and his dad answers, “I’m only brave when I have to be.”

So. Circling back. Ignoring the debate on whether or not there was even a choice given (fate vs free will and ridiculous time loops). Ignoring that Lucifer likely (and should have) been able to find his ‘calling’ anyway.

Then, in summary, we are left with Lucifer (and Chloe) ‘choosing’ for Lucifer to leave them for Hell, abandoning them both (and Trixie) because either

1) Lucifer’s calling is more important than being with his family

2) Rory wants to suffer, to let her parents suffer an unimaginable amount of pain, just to show that she comes out better for it, even when she can choose not to suffer at all. And Chloe and Lucifer are both in agreement that this is best for them and their daughter.

What. The. Hell???!!

I’m sorry, but there’s no rationale for this. None. At. All.

I’ll be the first to admit that I would never be happy with such a devastatingly heartbreaking ending no matter what the reasons, but, HOLY HELL, can they at least have had it make even the smallest amount of SENSE?!

It’s just angst for the sake of angst, and I especially did not expect this from this show. It was always a show not to be taken too seriously, not to overthink and just have fun with, and that’s what made it work for me. But then they decide it’s a good idea to 1) throw in a time loop plot when time loops in fiction is pretty much the definition of serious complexity and making viewers overthink. And 2) have it end with such a tragic and sad ending that makes no sense. I am so sick and tired of the trend now days that shows can’t have happy endings.

(Edit: Now look what happened. I’ve gone and made another rant: https://thehiddenmemoryuniverse.tumblr.com/post/663357629901438976/lucifer-morningstars-broken-journey)

#Lucifer #lucifer spoilers #lucifer season 6 #deckerstar #discussion #Lucifer discussion

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starr-fall-knight-rise · 4 years

Text

Humans Are Space Orcs, “A Visiting Delegation.”

Writing on another request I received a few times. I hope you like it.

Government officials filed into the room one after the other speaking quietly. Their voices raised towards the ceiling and echoed off of the walls. Little drops of water glittered in the darkness as the mass of packed bodies caused a heat that disturbed the thin layer of ice which covered most of the room.

The ice itself lent to excellent acoustics, and the dull roar of voices never seemed to fade as the delegations slowly filed down onto the staggered platform seats.

There was a buzz of nervous energy about the room, emanating from all corners as they sat waiting for the meeting to start.

Off in the corner a white furred scientist clad in a heavy winter coat sat meekly to the side.

She was very nervous.

It had taken months to convince the Tricarian council that the creature existed, and even with the proof it had provided, things had gone very slowly. Only after the vaccine was synthesised and distributed did they even begin to consider what she said to be true, even then, she knew they didn’t really believe her, and who would. An alien had broken into their polar research fort and handed her a cure for the the plague?

Even saying it to herself seemed crazy.

When she handed over the device to other government scientists, they had managed to make contact with…. someone , but they spoke too well for the leaders to really believe that they were another species. Most just thought it was some sort of elaborate prank or conspiracy.

Either way, today was the day they were going to find out.

Their world was slowly recovering, and now they could turn their attention to other matters.

The first lunar launch would be happening within the week, if all things went according to plan, and if there was something out there… something already capable of space travel, they would like to know about it.

Again she shifted nervously in her seat.

What if this supposed….. GA delegation never showed up.

She, and her colleague were the only ones to have seen the creature in person, and he refused to come forward and speak about it, so that left only her. IF the creature didn’t show up she had no doubt they would have no problem pointing fingers at her and calling her insane.

She glanced towards the window, which looked out over the icy tundra and towards the coast, where large fishing barges were slowly creeping up through the ice, their nets cast into the sea.

No matter how today turned out, it was going to change everything for her.

Either alien would descend from the sky and walk into the council chamber for peace talks, or she would be labelled as a crazy loon committing conspiracy against the government, and her life would be ruined.

She slumped back in her seat, the fur of her chest bunching up under her coat.

She flicked her large ears in annoyance, and wrapped her tail tight around her legs nervously.

Oh please strange alien visitors come and help me.

It was a very strange thing for her to be thinking. The first time she had seen the creatures, she wanted nothing more than for it to go away and back where it had come from, but now, well now she wanted nothing more than to see it again, if not to prove to everyone else that it had been real, but to prove to herself that it had been real.

The noise around her died down, and she looked up to see members of the trichar head council filing in to the other side of the room and taking their seats.

There was some discussion between them for a few moments and then one of them stood and the entire room went silent.

“Brothers and sisters, I welcome you today, today of days, to an unscheduled interanual meeting under…. Very strange circumstances.” He looked around the room, eyes scanning up and down the seats, “For the past few months we have slowly been recovering from the virulent plague that wiped out fifty percent of our population.”

There was a sad murmuring about our room.

“A plague that was well on it’s way to taking ninety percent of us from the face of this planet.”

The mood in the room grew somber.

“Now, I know we have all heard the circumstances around how the cure was discovered…. Or given as the story goes, and I am sure most of you, just like me, are questioning the validity of these statements. Today is the day whether we learn if these are true or not.” He glanced around the room, his tail swishing slowly over the ice, “As of now I am still skeptical that anything of the sort happened.” he glanced over at her and she wilted back in her seat.

“Regardless of what happens today, perhaps we can be assured that we will survive, life will go on and we will rebuild, though we mourn for those we lost.”

There was another soft muttering around the room.

She sensed some anger in the air knowing that the chancellor had failed to mention that the fifty percent of people who had died mostly came from the lower uneducated classes. There were those whisperings in the government, that many didn’t see it as such a great loss. The uneducated masses were gone, leaving behind them only the elite to live upon the face of the earth. They no longer had to think about sustaining such a large and useless population.

Not all of them could be used on the fishing barges, and many of them didn’t have the skill to harvest ice fruit, so what use were they really.

The thought made her sick.

“According to our preliminary discussions with the entity that calls itself the Galactic Assembly, we have agreed to meet today with one of its ambassadors to discuss peace talks and joining the galactic community.”

There was laughter from around the room.

The Chancellor smiled, “I myself am skeptical of course, and the words shock me even as they come out of my mouth. It would be an amazing day if intelligent life existed out in the universe. For it would change our fundamental understanding about how we see ourselves. We would no longer be alone, but If I am being honest with you, I am more inclined to believe that this is some sort of clever and audacious ploy from our enemies trying to take over our power after our sudden weakening due to population loss. If that is the case we must plan accordingly, and since I have seen no aliens up and walk through that door, I am inclined to believe the latter argument.”

There was a chorus of agreement from around the room.

She wilted even further in her seat.

“The agreement was to meet at this time and this place, and our scientists have been monitoring radio activity out of orbit, and we have detected no such alien vessels in or around our orbital ring, and neither have we seen any strange alien ships descending from the sky, no Unidentified flying objects as it were.” He turned his head to look in her direction, and by this time she had sunk so far into the cavern of her coat that only her ears and eyes peered out.

“What have you to say for yourself.”

She took a deep breath and straightened, “Chancelor, I am sorry, but we must give them time. The creature made it very clear to me that it was not meant so readily for cold weather conditions like us. They probably had to make special preparations and lost track of time, I am sure they are going to be here.”

There was a great rumble about the room mostly chuckling from skeptics who thought her to be just another hystric member of the lower class.

She knew what they thought of her.

She had come from the uneducated masses originally and her climb to the top had been arduous.

In many ways she didn’t really consider it to be over.

She stood.

“Please, I implore you, the creatures are five minutes late in arriving and already you doubt the truth of what you saw on that drive. There was information there, images and pictures of all different kinds of lifeforms, and sounds and videos. WHat reason would another government have to fake all of that, especially at a time like this. No one had the resources to be working on such a thing, and when it was given to me much of the world was sure we were going to be dead in the next ten years, it hardly makes any sense.”

As she spoke, voices in the crowd rose and she was drowned out as groups began shouting over each other to be heard.

She curled up tighter inside her jacket, tail wrapping around her legs again in a self soothing gesture as the uproar grew louder and louder. On the ceiling above, decorative ice moldings vibrated and shed water.

This was going to be a disaster.

She melted further into her coat, expecting for them to take her away to a sanatorium at any moment.

And then the door opened.

Clean unfettered light spilled in from the outdoors, and across the ice encrusted floor causing it to glitter like a billion tiny diamonds encased in blue and fractured ice.

The entire room went quiet and then looked up.

Anger was replaced with gasps of shock, as the entire room pushed back in their seats.

She felt a sudden and marvelous wave or relief wash over her as she looked up and saw the strange alien creatures step into the room.

They were tall, almost a foot taller than most in the room, and just how she remembered them, with their long arms, and legs.

When they walked their boots thudded heavily on the ice.

The front rows shied away as the creatures entered in a small group of four.

They were dressed, from head to toe in thick padded gear with artificial fur sticking up around the neck and face.

Their noses and mouths were covered by another layer of covering, leaving only their eyes peering out from the inside of their hoods.

Behind them, the door swung shut.

For the longest moment, there was nothing but silence in the room, until the lead creature slowly reached up and pushed back his hood, causing it to fall over his back. When he did he first revealed the top of his head, covered in a thin and unproductive layer of light yellow fur that seemed to have no other purpose than to rest on its head.

The rest of its face, once it pulled down the front of the mask was clean from hair, and cold air bit at it’s skin as it breath plumed up and around it.

It had no ears of which to speak, unless perhaps, those strange folded…. Things on the side of its head were ears.

As she remembered, the creature itself had a very flat face and a large jewel-like emerald eye. Based on the others standing behind it, it should have had two eyes but one of them was covered.

It turned its head to look around the room, before falling on her with a depression of recognition.”

It showed its teeth at her, teeth surprisingly similar to their own. Sharp teeth for tearing at the front and flat teeth for grinding at the back.

“I am glad to see you well.” it said, and its voice echoed across the room for all to hear and understand,

There was a murmuring of surprise. Underneath the strange voice, she could hear the even stranger grunting and hissing of it’s natural language.

It walked forward with its companions in tow, “Forgive our tardiness, but we had to prepare ourselves for your child weather.”

The room remained silent.

The creature looked around at them and tapped its foot on the ground, “Ok then, introductions are in order. I am Admiral Adam Allen Vir of the Galactic Assembly and United Nations Space Corps, leader of the Galactic armada, ambassador of the Galactic assembly and explorational representative. A few months ago I was sent by my benefactors to provide a cure to your people and sew the seeds of invitation to the galactic community.” He looked around at them, “Our other delegates apologies for not being able to visit with you today, but your planet is very very cold, and we are the only species that may survive with any sort of….. Regularity on the face of your planet.”

Even as she watched, the skin on the side of the creature’s ears were beginning to turn red, and then purple.

Finally after many long minutes the chancellor stood, staring and wide eyed.

“So it is true.”

“Yes.”

“How can we be sure this is not some elaborate hoax.”

The creature stepped forward over the ice,which popped slightly under his weight. He walked closer to the chancellor who cowered back in his chair.

He paused just before the desk and pulled off the coverings on his hands, and then unzipped the front of the jacket, allowing it to fall open.

WHen he pulled it off, the skin of his arms and hands were bare, leaving only another thin covering over his chest.

He held out a hand.

“Feel for yourself, and tell me if any of your enemies could prejudice a facsimile of life that is so convincing.”

Not sure what to do, the chancellor reached out a hand and gingerly touched the creature drawing back in surprise and some measure of disgust. When he came back again, he took the hand in both of his and turned it over, palpating the structure of the bones and flesh underneath, examining a fine layer of useless hair on the back of the hand and arm.

“I…. see your point.”

The chancellor gave the creature his hand back looking on nervously as the creature began to spasm and vibrate. He pulled back, but the creature shook its head, “Forgive me chancellor, it is very cold here.”

He reached out and pulled his jacket back on, followed by the gloves and pulling his hood up around his ears.

It stopped its strange vibrations a moment later.

“As it is, the GA has invited you to join in peace talks with them. They are eager to trade resources and knowledge for precious combinations of minerals found in your ice. They would provide the means of space travel, or assistance in building your own, and offer protection from unknown factors in the rest of the galaxy. We simply desire to be allies in a far reaching cooperative conglomerate.”

The Trichar eyed him, “And why would your people be so interested, there is nothing that we can offer you that surely you could find somewhere else.”

“We are not so arrogant as to think we have a monopoly on knowledge and experience. For example your ability to live in such cold climates intrigues us. This entire room is made of ice and steel, hardly worth keeping out the cold. Even I cannot remain here for too long. I believe there is much we can learn from each other.”

The Chancellor sat unblinkingly staring at the alien.

“There are many opportunities that we can provide you. There are icy worlds ripe for the picking that much of the GA hasn’t bothered to touch considering their harsh conditions. There is plenty of room for industry and the transfer of knowledge. We would do nothing but benefit from you joining with us. If you so choose we would be willing to take one or a small group of your number to meet with the entire assembly on the capital, though there is no pressure to do so. We also have broadcasting and camera equipment which would suffice for you to meet them over long distances. There are many ends and possibilities, but…. Out of my own experience, I believe you would do well to take this offer.”

There was silence around the room.

She could hardly blame them. A strange alien benefactor seeking peace with them and offering opportunities and a great wealth of knowledge was certainly too good to be true. Also, the creatures were kinda…. Strange looking. In the full light of day and with the sun streaming in through the windows, she would have sworn that she could see little circulatory structures peeking as blue veins from it’s skin.

Almost as if it was partially translucent.

She shivered, it really creeped her out that she could see its interior structures from the outside.

No wonder it wasn’t meant to survive on such an icy planet as their own. Granted it had looked a lot stranger and more intimidating in the dark, but there was something about seeing the whole thing in it’s true form in daylight that still threw her off.

Looking around at the rest of the room she saw a mixed bag of emotions.

Awe.

Disgust.

nervousness .

Excitement.

The alien tilted it’s head casing its wide eyes about the room. She turned her head away, feeling that if she looked for too long, she might fall into that depthless green pool. That was the strange thing about it, though it had a body and physical presence like the rest of them, it seemed so….. Strange and….. Other, as if it was only showing them a part of itself.

That was silly of course.

She was just being paranoid.

And focusing on that paranoia because another part of her was very excited.

She wanted to see what this creature was talking about.

She wanted to experience it.

She wanted to go with them.

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makeste · 4 years

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the mortifying ordeal of being known... and rejected

or, how to create a self-fulfilling prophecy and get yourself stuck in a hole you’re too scared to try and pull yourself out of (by Bakugou Katsuki).

here is an observation: Bakugou often processes/hides/disguises fear...

uncertainty...

and even grief/guilt...

as anger.

the why, obviously, is because like most humans, he’s afraid of opening up and being vulnerable. but this post isn’t really about discussing the why. rather, it’s about the natural conclusion we can draw from this: that if the majority of Bakugou’s anger is in fact just his way of covering for his “weaker”, more vulnerable feelings, his doubts and fears, then that says a ton about Bakugou’s relationship with the one person he has always displayed the most hostility and aggression towards throughout his life.

so let’s talk about Bakugou’s actual feelings towards Deku.

disclaimer: I am not a therapist, or someone with any kind of psychology expertise; I am just a person that likes to read manga and think too much about fictional characters. so please keep in mind that even though I might not preface every single sentence here with “I think...” or “in my opinion...” obviously these are still just my guesses and interpretations and they may very well be wrong! the only one who knows for sure is the guy over in Japan drawing doodles of sentient flowers in his spare time, and I can’t very well ask him, so for now this will have to do.

so Katsuki and Izuku were childhood friends. let’s take this all the way back to the start. here we have two very young children who are introduced to each other at an age when they’re still young enough to have absolutely no secrets. they’re young enough to have not yet learned to be shy or self-conscious, or to downplay their enthusiasm so as not to let others know they care. kids that young don’t hide anything. they don’t lie or deceive. they don’t have agendas, and they assume that others don’t either. it is, in short, a very pure type of relationship in the sense that it’s honest and uncomplicated, that it is exactly what it appears to be at face value. their personalities are fully out there with no attempt at reining anything in. Katsuki witnesses the full force of Izuku’s boundless hero-worshipping energy and enthusiasm. Izuku witnesses the full extent of Katsuki’s relentless confidence and Peter Pan cockiness. both boys see each other for who they are in their entirety, and accept each other.

this is a fundamental bond. there is trust built between the two of them at a critical, formative age. it’s a relationship formed so early on that it’s likely that neither of them can actually recall a time before they met the other. they are and have always been a constant in each other’s lives. they’re a lot like siblings in terms of that kind of closeness and complete understanding of the other, both the good and the bad. in fact I’d say that Izuku’s use of “Kacchan” (and Katsuki’s automatic acceptance of it) isn’t that different from a younger brother’s use of “Niisan” for his older brother. it’s very revealing of the type of relationship they have. and that includes the typical sibling squabbles as well. it’s very much a relationship that’s taken for granted; there’s no filter, no effort to hold back, no attempt at trying to tone down their behavior around one another. there is whining and bragging and squabbling and name-calling and tears, just as much as there is cooperation and respect and trust. because at the end of the day, the assumption is that the relationship will endure no matter what, so they can go at each other as hard as they can and it doesn’t matter. the other one’s presence is just a given. that’s the kind of relationship that this term “childhood friends” really encapsulates, I think.

what I am trying to say here is that although it’s often viewed by fandom as an imbalanced relationship at best, and a toxic/broken one at worst, I think this is an incredibly important bond to the two of them. this is a relationship that has deep, irreplaceable value. the value lies in being known without having to suffer through the whole mortifying ordeal part. in the absolute, taken-for-granted surety that the other will always be there; in the constant, reassuring, and familiar presence; and in the security of knowing where they stand.

and what that in turn all means is that when four-year-old Bakugou Katsuki is struck by the thought that this relationship is being threatened, that the status quo may not always be quo, that the bond he’s come to rely on may have been built on a crumbling foundation, the emotional response which we are actually seeing here is not anger.

it’s fear.

this is the person who knows him better than anyone else does, and who, knowing all that, has always seemingly found something to admire in him. this is the person who’s always followed him no matter what. this is someone who looked up to him and believed in him, and whose belief and admiration perhaps more than anyone else’s filled him with pride and confidence. so the sudden fear, however ridiculous or unfounded (because at the end of the day he was just a preschooler, and that’s important to remember -- the fact that this fear, misplaced as it is, was based off of a scared four-year-old’s logic, and was incredibly real and overwhelming to said four-year-old), that Katsuki might lose this relationship -- or worse, the fear that the relationship was never real to begin with and was based on a lie and was unreciprocated and he was being strung along and laughed at behind his back the whole time -- is absolutely crushing to him.

because what he realizes in this moment is that in some ways, Izuku is already better than him at being a hero. and this realization, along with the fact that Izuku tries to help him and Katsuki misinterprets that as a gesture of pity or scorn, leads to a sudden cascade of other disastrous fears, including (1) the fear that Izuku is a sudden obstacle to his dream of becoming the number one hero, (2) fear that Izuku is looking down on him and not taking him seriously, and (3) fear that he won’t be able to catch up, because he doesn’t understand this mysterious quality that Izuku has, because that something isn’t physical strength, and that’s the only thing he’s ever considered up until now. and the one thing he does understand is that whatever it is (hint hint, it’s actually heart, and the determination to save and protect others), it’s something he himself lacks.

these are the fears which rise to the surface in this instant, and the fears which Katsuki is on some level at least aware of, and subsequently these are the fears which actually get confessed during Deku VS Kacchan Part 2 and are finally addressed. so all this is stuff we more or less already knew.

but here’s another thought: I believe that this whole time, there was actually a fourth underlying fear which has actually been at the core of all those other fears from the beginning, and which has stayed with him this entire time, and which is such a profoundly upsetting thought to him that he refuses to consciously acknowledge it at all, and yet at the same time also reconstructs his entire personality around it. and that fear is simply this: that Izuku is going to leave him behind.

that’s it. he fears being left behind and discarded by the one person who has always been there. and yeah, okay, I do realize that this is a particular take that will probably have some people going, “uh, what” and gesturing towards THE ENTIRETY OF BAKUGOU’S BEHAVIOR TOWARD DEKU THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SERIES and raising their eyebrows. and look, yeah, I get it. the fuck kind of fanficcy, melodramatic “deep down the two of them were closer than anything” take is this. “you’re telling me Katsuki’s absolutely reprehensible behavior toward Izuku for a full ten years of their lives had less to do with him being full of himself and hating on Izuku for being quirkless, and more to do with him being sad and fearful and upset over the thought of losing his closest friend?”

but... yeah. that’s exactly what I’m telling you. because for starters, his reaction is about 50 times too over-the-top for it to be anything else. but because also, his reaction to this one fear is so starkly different from the way we’ve seen him react to all of those other fears. usually, when Katsuki is faced with a challenge, he has a very specific response:

so why, then, would his reaction toward Izuku throwing down the gauntlet be any different? hell, we’ve seen how he reacts toward people that are stronger than him (Todoroki), and towards people he thinks aren’t taking him seriously (again, Todoroki), and it’s completely different from how he treated Izuku. his entire personality shifted from being cocky and confident and nearly always having a grin plastered on his face, to him being hostile and defensive and antisocial and almost never, ever smiling. in fact he doesn’t ever really seem be happy at all.

so yeah. this is my take. he fears being left behind. it’s not just that he fears losing to Izuku; it’s that he fears losing Izuku. because of course he does, because given the significance of that bond as explained above, that’s the natural thing to fear. the two of them have always been together. he’s never not had Izuku there. and so he might bitch about it and act like he doesn’t care about it, but in truth it’s because he fears the loss of it so much that he lashes out defensively -- no you can’t push me away, if you even try I’m going to push you away first so you can’t hurt me.

because that’s what it is, isn’t it? bullying Izuku every time he gets too close. telling him over and over again to stop following him, and to not try and get into UA. Izuku, from his perspective, is looking down on him, so at the end of the day it’s just easier for him to convince himself that he doesn’t even like Izuku, that he’s just someone who’s in his way, and that Izuku isn’t the one leaving him behind, fuck that, he’s the one who’s going to leave Izuku behind. that it’s his choice. it just hurts less. fear as anger, because anger is just easier to deal with; anger gets you fired up and helps motivate you; and anger doesn’t leave you feeling as hollow inside. or at least it can help distract you from that feeling.

so. this is all pretty goddamn miserable, all things considered. and so it goes for the next decade of their lives. except Izuku never does go away. and then one day he goes and saves his life, and from there on out we basically know the rest.

fast forward to the present! or I guess technically three months ago, since as of chapter 257 the present is now Late March/DAWN OF THE FINAL DAY (24 HOURS REMAIN), apparently, and what I actually want to talk about now is the internship, and its impact on their relationship as seen since then.

I’ve already talked about the internship’s general impact on Katsuki in a previous essay, so I won’t really get into it at length again here, but basically the short version is that I think (or am at least hoping) that over the course of this whole thing, Katsuki finally started to broaden his perspective to be a little less self-focused. and as a result of that, I think that seeing Endeavor’s broken relationship with his family, and in particular watching Endeavor apologize to Natsuo and tell him “you don’t need to forgive me” (and Natsu being all WELL YEAH, I WASN’T GONNA) was kind of a much-needed kick in the pants for him as far as making him realize that his relationship with Deku, newly renovated and given a fresh coat of paint after the whole Ground Beta fight, and finally starting to look a bit like its old self again after all this time... maybe isn’t actually quite as sound as he thought it was.

and isn’t that a fun thought. because here they were finally starting to fix that shit after all this fucking time. after a decade of constantly worrying about Izuku surpassing him and passing him on by, he finally realized that this fear was unfounded the whole time... only to subsequently realize that there’s another reason now why that relationship might still be in jeopardy. that being the small fact that, oh right, Katsuki has been a straight up dick to him for the past ten years. oh shit.

this is something he never once thought about before. because previously he was too blinded by his own fears, and his conviction that he was the one being looked down on, and that Izuku was the one who instigated everything. and then once he finally realized he’d gotten it wrong, I think there was a delay before it finally hit him just how much hurt and harm he actually caused, simply because he’s not used to examining things from anyone else’s perspective other than his own. and then there’s also the fact that this entire time, Izuku has never once really shown any kind of lingering bitterness or hostility toward him in spite of everything. in fact he’s been seemingly overjoyed to finally have that friendship rekindled again, and he’s been more admiring toward Katsuki than ever.

in short, I’m pretty sure that up until very recently, Katsuki has just sort of been taking Izuku’s forgiveness for granted. just assuming that he already had been forgiven, even though yeah, okay, he was pretty bad. he just had no reason to think otherwise, because Izuku’s personality is so kind and accepting and understanding that he never even showed a hint of harboring any kind of bad feelings toward him over it. not to mention that all of the really bad stuff happened so long ago -- going on two years now! -- and Izuku has never once said anything about it! and so Katsuki, being the dumbass he is (and also subconsciously wanting to avoid the guilt, no doubt, because hoo boy, that is not a pleasant emotion at all), just sort of assumed that it was all right. that they were past it.

but... is that actually true? are they, really? or is he just telling himself that because it’s what he wants to think? after all, he did recently learn that he interpreted every single one of Izuku’s actions pretty much 100% wrong for about a dozen years. so fair to say he might not be so good at reading him. and, well... what he did to him was really bad. he was really fucking awful. regardless of how generous and kindhearted Izuku might be, Katsuki really has no right to just expect forgiveness, actually. he has no idea what kind of feelings are actually lurking there beneath that freckly surface. just look at all the resentment Endeavor’s kids have bottled up toward him for what he did. and maybe Izuku is only trying so hard to get along with him now because of what All Might said, about how the two of them are supposed to try and learn from each other. and isn’t it possible, and maybe even likely, that deep down he actually hates him as much as Natsuo hates Endeavor?

so there’s the bitter irony: Katsuki spent a dozen years believing that Izuku spited him, and trying his best to push him away so as not to feel the hurt of being spited, only to finally realize that the enmity between them was all in his head, and that in truth, he was the one driving the wedge in between them and chipping away at the cracks the entire time. that in reality he was the one doing the damage. that the thing he was so afraid of was never actually a real possibility until he brought it into existence, but that it does exist, now -- the possibility that their bond really might have been destroyed. and that it’s entirely his fault. that he created his own demons and dragged them into the light.

so now he’s afraid all over again, except that this time, he has absolutely no idea what to do. if he tries to push Izuku away again, he’ll only bring about the worst-case possible outcome that much faster. not to mention that he already played that song for more than a decade, and if there’s one thing it taught him, it’s that he hates that tune almost as much as the alternative.

so then what he should do, clearly, is apologize. that’s the right thing, obviously. the heroic thing. and I don’t think he’s incapable of moving past his pride in order to do it. and on top of that, I think he probably wants to apologize because he actually is sorry! but I do think there is something else that’s currently holding him back. and that something, once again, is fear.

Katsuki is normally one to face his fears head on. in fact, I’ve previously gone on record as saying that he would apologize without hesitation once he realized how badly he fucked up, because he’s not one to shy away from accepting responsibility no matter what the consequences. but now, though, I think that I was wrong. it’s not that he doesn’t want to take responsibility, or that he doesn’t think an apology is owed. rather, I think I underestimated just how great this one, last, biggest fear of his is. the fear of that possible rejection. the idea that Izuku might not accept. that he might say no. that it might simply be too little, too late.

it’s the one thing Katsuki has never been able to face. the fear that started this all to begin with. it’s the one fear that has shaped him since his childhood, and the one fear that he stands frozen and powerless against. the fear of having the one person who’s always admired him no matter what revealing that in truth, he doesn’t. the fear of having all his deepest doubts and fears confirmed. if he isn’t seen as redeemable or worthy to Izuku, who knows him best, who’s seen him at both his highest and lowest and understands him to a degree which one else does, not All Might (whose approval, by the way, also runs through Deku and which he also stands to lose) or his parents or teachers or his other friends... if he’s seen as beyond forgiveness by him, then that’s a blow he can’t recover from.

so now he’s stuck here in this precarious position with Izuku where he doesn’t want to take a step backwards again, but is too afraid to try and move forward. which brings us to the current chapter, where for the time being it seems like he’s decided to simply embrace the status quo, which in his mind is “rivals.”

so he’s leaning hard into that now, and simply pretending like things between him and Izuku have already been fixed, without actually taking the steps necessary to really move past it, because in the end it’s just easier. and I think that he will continue as is until that status quo either becomes too difficult or painful to maintain (i.e. the guilt becomes too much to bear), or until something happens to finally trigger a boost of courage in him, or a realization that he needs to stop being selfish and own up to his actions.

but eventually that will happen. and I think he knows that deep down. if nothing else, this is something that’s currently standing in the way of him becoming the number one. he has no right to ever call himself a hero if he can’t even muster up the courage to apologize, and to accept whatever consequences may come with that, just as Endeavor did, even if it potentially means being shut down and cast aside. he has no right to expect or demand anything else.

but at the end of the day, Katsuki is still only human, and still a young one at that. and he has only just gotten his friend back. and I can tell you right now that Izuku is not the only one who feels relief and even gratitude at being able to have a “normal-ish” conversation with the other after all this time, regardless of whether or not Katsuki might deny it. and really, there’s no rush. he’ll have to face it soon enough, and he knows.

but for now, this is nice.

#bnha 257 #bnha meta #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #bakugou meta

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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years

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Toshiya Interview 「PHY」Vol.17 Translation 1/2

He talks about the negative parts in human beings that the world has no choice but to look straight at. Also, he talks about his own melancholy. “The places, the time, and the people I cherish are not eternal, rather, they can be destroyed in an instant…. that resignation…no…I wonder if there is an awakening about that”

Note before reading: This is the first part of Toshiya’s interview in 「PHY」Vol.17 released last 19th. This part covers half of the interview. You can already read the second part here. You can get the magazine at Cdjapan if you live out of Japan. Please buy and support it if you can. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts. Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) ----- It was the kind of interview that made me believe in them forever. DIR EN GREY's first digital single, 'Ochita koto no aru sora ', it’s a song like a warning bell that appeals to live without looking away from this restraining reality, as well as the desire to bet on a band of five members. Of course, there,the feelings of how each member feels about Corona are included there. In this solo interview with Toshiya (Bass), he talked about the melancholic feelings he is having facing the current situation of the world. In his own words, he feels sometimes hesitant to say his own thoughts, the conflict, the indecision, but at the same time, he revealed the reason why a strongly man like him felt the necessity to be in this band. Text by: Higuchi Yasuyuki Photos by: Sasahara Kiyoaki Hair&Make-up : Yamaguchi Atsushi “Putting their problems aside, we have lived mediocrely. Then, facing this situation, we are unable to compete. But that's the negative part that we have been facing for a long time” -The other day, I was allowed to hold an event at a certain place. T: Thank you. You were really helpful. -It's been a while since I witnessed the scene of the 5 of you reunited together. Your presence in the dressing room at that time, felt like a person who was really at home. T: What do you mean? (laughs) Well, I haven’t been meeting people. -It’s a time that it’s stimulating (meeting people)… T: It’s scary, isn’t it? If you get infected, you will affect those around you, moreover, if you get someone else infected…..you think about those things after all. -Staying all time at home made you feel depressed? T: Not really. Basically, because in the first place, my life is the same as when we are doing our underground activities. -The other members believed the same (laughs) T: So, it wasn’t depressing. These activities were rather normal or even plain. Well, if I had to say something that was different than usual…. thanks to having more time than usual (the single), it was completed very smoothly. -It seems like that. T: Originally, we were planning to record while touring but the postponement of the tour gave me some time and it was very smooth. -Are you always on a tough schedule? T: It’s already rough. And at the very end I always feel like I’m compressing everything so in that sense, it was every easy to do (the single) this time. -If you had made it between tours as planned, wouldn't the single have a different style?

T: There is a possibility. However, I don't think it would be completely different…. I don’t really know. -That's right. Personally, when I listened to this song, I thought about how you would perceive the current situation as a band that can’t see what lies ahead. It’s a song with a lot of power and energy, are you worried about the future of the band? T: I see. About what your personal thoughts…. I think this band will be fine as long as the members are living, like, the band will continue on as long as the members are alive. It might be an extreme reasoning but that's what I think myself. Regardless of the Corona and what will happen after it. -Because you don’t think that just because of this situation…. T: Yes. Because I think Dir en grey is consisted by these 5 people. Well, until now, I used to say it with words in interviews and so, but maybe recently I really came to think that. -It could be. T: In the past, being honest….when I was thinking about the band….of course I know I'm a person that would be in a band but I thought that there was no reason why it had to be these five people. -That way of thinking its not only limited to you, that’s a thing you think when you are young. T: It’s not only related to bands but also to human relationships. For example, let’s say that you insult someone on the internet. Of course, there might be a reason behind why that person got insulted but rather than insulting them, don’t say anything. You accumulate those things inside (the attacks/insults) and eventually that person will….like….* *He is is making a subtle reference to the recent news of Hana Kimura’s suicide after being harassed online. -There was this sad incident…. T: The places, the time, and the people I cherish are not eternal. A word that has no meaning at that time, the words of someone who doesn't understand the true meaning of what they are saying. With a single word that dances around with collective complicity, important things can be broken in a instant. That resignation…no… if you don’t have that awakening, that you don’t need to insult someone or do just as you please…. -Do you think you are the type of person that lets those things accumulate in yourself? T: How should it be? But I want to cherish where I am, I know that this position is only possible with these five people, so I sometimes I don’t express my thoughts, but it’s like that for all human beings, right? - When you started the band, you were more self-assertive but you had to change that in order to be able to continue in this band. T: That's right. After all, I'm basically a very selfish person (laughs), so I feel like I'm going to destroy the place I'm in if I'm a selfish person like I was in the past. Isn’t that scary? - You have that kind of trait rooted in yourself. T: When I was a kid, I was always selfish and selfish, for example, even if I played soccer with my friends, if I had the ball, I would go to the score goal myself. I didn’t pass it to anyone (laughs) -But team playing is an important thing in sports…. T: I had no spirit of cooperation. I was often told that by my parents. Like “As you are not cooperative, you’re better off doing things alone than doing it with others”. -And such a person has been in the same band for over 20 years (laughs) T: That's right. That's why I feel that the band has given me spirit of cooperation with others. If not, I would still be running to the score the goal with the ball (laughs). -But that kind of person is doing the bass in a band called Dir en grey, so I think it’s a perfect balance. T: Is that so? - The members in charge of bass and drums tend to be less self-assertive and more cooperative than vocals and guitars. I think that's probably because rhythm is related to the fundamental base of music and it’s created by the instrument that play it. T: In the past, that was the impression, right? About the bass. Like being a step back from everyone and playing silently. -But you are not that type of bassist. In the first place, each of you asserts themselves on stage. T: I agree. I mean, I've never though that "because I was the bassist I had to take a step back" (laughs) -That’s what DIR EN GREY is. I thought that it must be hard for the band to have a bassist with such a strong presence when I saw the current shooting. T: What it’s hard? -I meant that the individuality of each one of you collides violently. You can’t take pictures like these with 5 people, right? T: That's right. In a good way, it's also the band's mood. That's why I've been playing in this band with a mysterious sense of balance. I'm not going to take a step back, and while I have a desire to go forward, I'm also conscious of not going too far. “I feel that the band has given me spirit of cooperation with others. If not, I would still be running to the score the goal with the ball (laughs).” - You said that you have acquired that kind of balance in this band. T: That’s what I think. And that doesn’t apply just to me, but also to the other four members. Like, everyone is looking properly at others, not only themselves. It’s the same at lives, and of course what you want them to see it’s your playing but what I really want them to see the most is the sight of these five people standing there. That’s what the image of a cool band might be and on top of that, each of us can shine in their own way. - As I said earlier, I think you are really a strong person. And I think that's something that all the members of this band have in common. T: That might be true. - So, your personalities collide violently, and that friction is what creates your sound. However, on the other hand, there are some moments in which you have negative thoughts, or you are not confident in yourself. T: That's right. After all, I don't have self-confidence. - Especially in your case, I feel that you often make statements like that in interviews. T: Is that so?......mmmm…..I wonder why….but it’s like... I think that saying that kind of things doesn’t matter in some cases?.... -What do you mean with “it doesn’t matter”? T: Well, like they ask “are you confident?” and you are, but saying those things openly/loudly isn’t something that is bothering? I think it's only me who knows in what I am confident and in what aspects I am not. But then, do you know yourself well? If you ask me, I don’t know the answer at all. In short, you probably shouldn’t believe the words you are told. -You don’t believe in those words? T: Yes. Everything is a lie or a false image. Words, including lies and truths are mysterious. After all I believe it’s like that. Also, I think of myself as just a shallow/miserable person. Next part

#dir en grey #toshiya #phy vol 17 #phy magazine #translation #toshiyatranslations

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winterhawk-olympic-bang · 3 years

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Emotive Writing

Guest Poster: @thepartyresponsible

Emotive writing is about making people Feel Things. People use this all the time to sell you stuff, but we’re out here giving emotions away for free. Here are a few tips and tricks I’ve found to make people feel the most emotions.

Word choice:

This is the most straightforward part of emotive writing. Your word choices add an extra layer of complexity to your message. You aren’t just telling readers what happened; you’re signaling to them how they should feel. Most writers do this unconsciously, but being deliberate can make it especially effective.

Here’s a non-emotive, just-the-facts sentence: The soldier lifted his weapon and turned toward the enemy.

Here’s the same sentence reworked to make you care a bit more: The exhausted soldier raised his broken shield and faced the invading army.

The actions here are fundamentally the same, but exhausted and broken invoke sympathy while invading skews negative.

The words you choose are sign posts for the reader. They indicate how to interpret the story and help your readers orient themselves and form expectations. Subtly building expectation is important because, while surprise can be effective, shock is generally numbing and confusion tends to be irritating, so word choice helps you frame things and guide your reader along.

One of the keys here is to attempt some subtlety. If every sentence about your protagonist reads like an ad campaign (effervescent, brilliant, impervious) and every sentence about your antagonist reads like a political diatribe (cruel, spineless, malicious), you’re probably overusing your sign posts. People want to know who to root for, but too much emotive language can make them feel manipulated.

Think of word choice like adding spices to food. If you put oats in boiling water, you’re making oatmeal, and the spices you use won’t change that. But if you throw in some honey and cinnamon, I know we’re headed somewhere wholesome. If you sprinkle in little discordant notes of garlic powder and cayenne, what we’re cooking is a tragedy. And if you upend an entire bottle of cinnamon, a quarter cup of nutmeg, and toss in seventeen whole cloves, I am not staying for breakfast.

Narrative distance:

Narrative or psychic distance is the space between the reader and the character, usually navigated by the intermediary figure of the narrator. Your narrator can be an omniscient figure that knows the thoughts, feelings, and intentions of every character in the world. Or your narrator could be sitting on the shoulder of your main character, close enough to hear their thoughts and know their story but not so close that they speak with the character’s voice. Or your narrator could be your character.

If you want to ramp up emotion, you usually want a narrator who is very close to one character (or, alternatively, to separate characters in turn). But you don’t have to stay at one distance for the whole story, and, just like word choice, shifts in narrative distance can be helpful indicators to your reader about the story and the characters.

A sudden, dramatic shift in narrative distance is quite jarring, like a sudden zoom-in during a movie. It can be effective, but it’ll lose its punch if it’s overused. Generally, if you want to shift narrative distance, you should build to it slowly. Here’s an example of shifting from a distant third person to a closer third person:

They wake the Soldier because the archer is missing. He has a habit of slipping his lead, disappearing post-mission. The chase grew tedious years ago, but the Soldier runs it just the same. He’ll do as he’s told. But it bothers him, when he lets it. The why.

Why does he do this? the Soldier wonders, when he shouldn’t, when it isn’t his place. Where is he going? he thinks, when he can’t stop himself. Who is he running to? But he tries to think nothing at all.

Another trick of narrative distance is to suddenly pull back to show a character who’s been compromised, shocked, or deeply hurt by something. Imagine spending a long time in a close Bucky perspective, hearing his thoughts, and then being abruptly walloped across the face with: The machine went quiet, and the Soldier opened his eyes. Zooming out can emphasize what’s been lost. Because you aren’t just taking the soul of Bucky Barnes right out of him, you’re also taking that closeness away from the reader. You’re silencing the voice they’ve been listening to.

Whether you zoom in or out during highly emotional moments depends on what you’re trying to accomplish and also on who’s involved. Some characters have loud, messy emotions that will get louder when they’re hurt. Some characters will freeze over and push a narrator further away. You can use narrative distance to show a character slowly opening up or suddenly slamming a door. But you need the reader to have a solid understanding of the character in order to follow what the shift means, which leads to the next component.

Know your characters:

So, here’s the thing. You gotta Velveteen Rabbit this. Every character is Tinker Bell. If you stop believing, they die.

If you want people to care about these characters, you have to treat them like living, breathing, fully feeling people. They have favorite colors. They have phobias. They have Friday night plans and blisters from new shoes and sesame seeds stuck in their teeth. They have superstitions and secrets. You don’t need to know all of these facts, but you should try to give the impression that someone could know them. The more real your characters are, the more we’re going to care about them.

Since this is fanfiction, you start with a receptive audience. Your readers are fond of these characters. Figure out why. Figure out which parts of the character you can relate to and dig in until you feel like you can understand the parts of them you can’t relate to.

Try to collect things that make you feel close to that character. I always have music playing when I’m writing, so I make playlists for characters and playlists for stories. If I feel like I’m losing a character, I’ll go back to their playlist. But you could also use Pinterest boards, reread favorite fics or comics, rewatch movies or fanvids, or spend an unreasonable amount of time researching bows and tactical knives. Whatever works!

Also, remember, your characters don’t know what story they’re in. They don’t know it’s going to end well (or terribly). Maintain that tension, because that’s where the emotions are. When you watch a good horror movie, you’re not really scared of the monster. You’re scared for the characters, because they don’t know if they’re going to survive.

Emotions come from the characters. That’s why it’s still sad that Tony Stark dies, no matter how many times you watch it happen. Tony Stark was brave and flawed and usually right and often sarcastic, and it hurts to watch him die because that’s a full, unique human we’re losing. We know him well enough to know he’s choosing to sacrifice himself and why he made that choice and who will mourn him.

Know your characters, and let them be messy and weird and wrong and hopeful and cantankerous and unique. Fear is relatable, flaws are relatable, and awkward, ungainly, stubborn progress is relatable. Just remember what it is that makes their progress their progress because, if you can swap Dominic Toretto in for Ted Lasso and have the exact same story, you’ve probably lost your characters.

Plan your emotional trajectory:

Okay, time to get a bit technical. This is for people who like to plan. For those terrifying, godlike writers who just sit down and write, this might not be helpful. For my fellow planners:

There’s a theory (which you can get a general overview about here or, if you’re very into data, right here) that there are six core emotional trajectories in narratives:

1) Rags to riches (rise)

2) Riches to rags (fall)

3) Man in a hole (fall then rise)

4) Icarus (rise then fall)

5) Cinderella (rise then fall then rise)

6) Oedipus (fall then rise then fall)

Since rise and fall can mean different things, I find it helpful to combine these building blocks with emotional axes, which you can find some examples of here.

So, basically, for my winterhawk baseball au Got a Heart in Me, I Swear, I planned to follow the “man in a hole” trajectory (fall then rise) along the anxiety-confidence emotional axis with some bleedover from the humiliation-pride axis. Which basically means Clint started comfortable enough, nosedived deep into anxiety and humiliation, and then slowly built his way to confidence over the rest of the fic.

If the listed axes don’t appeal to you, you can very easily create your own. Just think of an emotion, identify what links it to its inverse, and then list the related emotions between the two opposites. Disgust and adoration are opposites, but they’re linked by attention, right? You can’t ignore something you find disgusting or adorable. So, here’s an example emotional axis you could follow: Disgust – Resentment – Obsession – Fascination – Reverence – Adoration. Enemies to lovers, anyone?

Emotional axes help provide a natural framework for your character’s emotional trajectory. They can be subtle; you don’t have to start on one end of the spectrum and go all the way to the other. A story that moves just a step or two on an emotional axis can be incredibly compelling. That small progress from discomfort to hope can hit really hard if the progress feels fought-for and earned and real.

Tips for writing emotions:

· Get physical: If you want to show an emotion instead of telling it, describe its impacts on the body. Most characters won’t think I’m embarrassed. They’ll feel a drop in their stomach like someone cut the elevator cables and a hot stinging in their face like they’ve been slapped by some disappointed version of themselves. The more visceral your descriptions, the more the reader will feel them. If you want your reader to feast on feelings, you have to set the table.

· Dramatic zoom: When something very intense happens, shift the narrative distance. In or out is fine, but a sudden, dramatic event should result in a sudden, dramatic change in focus. Characters might hyperfocus on their physical bodies (the mechanics of breathing, the ringing in their ears, the mad animal urge toward flight) or they might be kicked so far out of their own heads that they feel like they’re dreaming or watching the scene play out from overhead. This distance is useful for two reasons: it feels real, and it allows readers to absorb the situation in pieces, without being overwhelmed by it.

· Unreliable narrator: Some emotions can be so charged that people don’t want to own them, like grief, shame, jealousy, rage, lust, and guilt. Characters might unconsciously misrepresent these to themselves as something else. A grieving mother might insist she’s tired. A rehabilitated assassin who’s fallen in love with an absolute dork might tell himself he’s just tracking a target. Everyone knows what it’s like to lie to themselves, so this makes characters relatable. And, also, everyone likes being in on a secret, so, sometimes, this is just fun.

· Face the monsters: We’re often conditioned not to dwell on unpleasant things, which is part of why it can be powerful to examine them in stories. From small things like inglorious emotional states (envy, cowardice, resentment) to character flaws (recklessness, withdrawal, arrogance) to personal tragedies (loss, betrayal, abandonment), the negative parts of human emotional life pack quite a punch. Acknowledge them. Not only are they relatable experiences, but redemption and recovery arcs are some of the most compelling stories we have.

#whob #winterhawk #winterhawk olympic bang #writer workshops #writer workshop: emotions #guest post #thepartyresponsible

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nightswithkookmin · 3 years

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You need to back up your ON break up theory with more than just fake subs and vague statements about 'claiming behavior'.

During the period you allege they were broken up, Jimin pulled Jungkook in a hug on run behind, Jungkook called Jimin sexy at a press conference, Jimin and jungkook did that whole 'how does it feel to be in the same unit'/'time to change' flirty thing, Jimin grabbed Jungkook by the lapels... and more. Begging pardon but if they were grieving the loss of their romantic relationship while trying to be professional colleagues and pals.... isnt that sort of insensitive? Like I know you admitting you might have read it wrong and have changed your view in light of new footage might be a blow to your ego, but I don't think you are thinking rationally when you insist on this break up theory. It's sad because I found so much meaning and connection in some of the stuff you have written, particularly pertaining to internalized homophobia, racism, mysogynoir and bts changing over time to become more enlightened, but your devotion to this ONE theory, and defensiveness whenever it is (rightly imo) challenged makes me wary of your theories in general, which might be extremely unfair to you, as a thinker. Your log is really funny and great in a lot of ways so i cant really quit you.

Ahhhh it's been a while I got one of these...

Hello, how you doing! Lol. Silver is that you?

Chilee, it's the name calling for me.

Ego, irrational, charlatan, Tuktukker- I'm desensitized to such ad hominems at this point. You don't throw words like these around and expect me to sit at the table and talk. Imma yeet myself out real fast. Lol.

There's just something different, wholesome almost, about this post though. Sounds constructive I think. Or maybe it's because I just woke. Chilee. Lol.

It doesn't feel at all like you are attacking me. It's strange...

You're gaslighting though but it's fine. I've built a resistance to that from years and years of dealing with my abductors or family. Potato potahto.

I often put my sanity before other's insanity which is why I don't indulge posts such as these and I'm not sorry about that. I mean is this an Ask or Submission? I don't- what am I supposed to say? What is the call to action?

Sigh.

If I come across as defensive sometimes, 10 out of 10, it's probably because the person on the other end is being offensive. Straight up. Cause and effect, the science don't lie.

You don't expect me to not defend when I'm being attacked. That's just tacky.

I don't think there's anything wrong with challenging views and notions because at the very least, that's about the exchange of ideas and I welcome it.

I set the limits at the racial slurs, the mocking tones, the emotionally charged rants meant to disparage me and my entire ancestry rather than argue a point, the interference with my personal life and business all because I hold a different view on a topic, the doxing, gaslighting, the bad mouthing, spreading lies about me, turning my friends against me, stripping away my rights and copyrights, harassing people who enjoy my work among- other things.

I usually exercise my right to self preservation in these instances- imma block, delete, ignore, forward or clap back. Word. Lol.

I'm sorry, but if you have to attack the individuality of a person to argue your point, you've lost the argument and you never had one to begin with.

Take for instance, the bit you wrote about me taking a blow to 'my ego' - do you see the problem with that?

What has holding a view different from yours on a particular subject got to do with the ego?

Do you mean to say the only way I can hold an opinion different from yours on a matter is if I were hubristic?

Are you projecting? What's happening? Lol

And if I call you out for this, I'm defensive? Way to add gaslighting to your bigotry and intolerance of opinions that don't align with yours. No offense.

I give myself permission to hold unpopular views. I give myself permission to think differently from others. I give myself permission to see what I see and believe what I believe and form an opinion on what I see and believe divorced from others' views and based on my own understanding of the workings of this world or in this case Jikook.

No amount of name calling will change this fact. We see things from different perspectives after all.

You need to back your ON break up theory with more than just fake subs and vague claims about claiming behavior.

Lol. Fake subs? You mean the Hajima bit from the On comeback special I put in my video? Interesting.

I think I see what you mean about my break up theory and I agree to some extent. Like, come up here with charts and paragraphs and excel spreadsheets on why I think Jikook were broken up?

I would be happy to do that kind of analysis.

I think the problem for me here is, I feel tasked to convince rather than to share my opinion on the matter or even expand on my theories for discourse sakes and that makes me really uncomfortable.

Not to psychoanalyze you, but I feel when you ask this of me you are not just asking me to divulge my thoughts on a topic but to disabuse you of your own biases surrounding the topic.

I don't think this is about my opinion at all. I think it's about your own beliefs about Jikook. And there's nothing wrong with that. If you believe in something you need to stand for it. Just don't mind if others do same and don't call them names for doing so. Because if you do mind, then that's bigotry.

The fact is my opinion contradicts your beliefs about Jikook and you either want to punish me for it hence the slurs, are in denial, or you want to believe my point of view- can't really tell.

I think there is a limit in general to how far I can prove Jikook in anyway and that has nothing to do with lack of evidence, my ego or my rationality. And yes, I often shroud my beliefs in vague expressions because I don't want to set myself up or open myself up to legal suits. I can only prove Jikook to a point and nothing beyond my belief. Beyond that, I would be skating on thin ice and making bighit a tad richer.

During the period you allege they were broken up, Jimin pulled JK in a hug, grabbed Jungkook by his lapel, JK called Jimin sexy, they did the flirty challenge...

So if I understand you correctly, all these is what makes Jikook a couple to you and indicate they are dating?

Alright then.

Hobi calls Jimin sexy all the time. BTS calls eachother sexy all the time. I don't think that's a sign they are in a polyamory.

Jungkook plays with his hyungs' dick and ass and talks about falling for them most times. I don't think that makes him gay or in a relationship with any of them.

Lemme just cut to the chase. I've reached my photo limits. I have said a countless times now, that I don't view skinship and all these interactions you've pointed out as indication two people are dating- especially not two Koreans working within the homoerotically charged space of Kpop.

And I have given out a few of the metrics I use in considering whether any ship in BTS is real over the course of my blogs- intimacy, exclusive behaviors such as and not limited to claiming eachother and exercising certain rights and authorities over eachother and against the group, stress trails as a result of keeping their relationship a secret, the microaggressions, breaching the fourth wall and others.

I think what this comes down to is differences in perspectives on a fundamental level. Not egos.

I don't see the things you see as the signs Jikook are real and dating, as signs Jikook are real and dating. If I did, I would be seeing every ship in BTS as real but I don't.

And you consider the metrics I use in ascertaining Jikook as vague something something. I think we are at an impasse.

But explain the bit about 'insensitive' to me please. I would love to engage in that discourse. Why would it be insensitive for two exes to act cordially with eachother within a workplace in the aftermath of a breakup?

Then the bit about grieving...

So grieving is one of your metrics for accessing whether or not two people are broken up?

That's interesting. I mean I don't disagree but I also don't think Jikook are gonna come to work with oversized pajamas, dark shades, boxes of tissues and a blanket slung over their shoulders because of a broken heart... it's 2020 not Manila. They've grown, are learning and getting better at dealing with their emotions on camera because, as Suga pointed out, they are aware the least bit of tension translates to the screens.

I mean Jimin said it himself in his 2020 interview, he's learned to react less intensely to certain things. And sometimes, he tries to downplay certain things. He tries to perform Jikook when Jikook are not in a great place. It's only in recent times, On era, where JK has opted out and not gone along with it.

I think he does that and uses their shared 'Jikook agenda' and performances of Jikook as a means to fix things or break the ice between them at least.

But clearly Jk wasn't having it that day as he kept putting up boundaries with Jimin throughout that Run episode- unless of course you are disputing this as well on the grounds Jimin dragged his ass into a hug. Chilee.

I think most people wouldn't have felt there was something off with Jikook in that On period at all had it not been for Run 116. It's similar to how, had it not been for Jimin's birthday saga, the Esquire shoot behind scenes and Grammy reaction video, no one would have felt there was something going on between Jikook in the October timeline.

I think we would have seen and felt the less interactions and professionalism between them in the aftermath of it but for the most parts, moments like the couch scene in the Grammy reaction video wouldn't have made sense to any of us especially as we had just witnessed JK in the ON:E concert rushing to comfort and console JM when he was tearing up at the end of the concert.

At least when he pushed JM into a ditch somewhere in the dark in Soop we know he had been drinking and they were playing competitive sports. Even with that he still showed some concern when Jimin fell and injured himself afterwards.

I think we would all be wondering if Jikook were fanservice at that point, a fanservice relationship where JK only consoled Jimin when he cried infront of thousands of people at concerts and nibbled his ear while he was at it.

And I think we would be on opposite sides of the argument: me, arguing Jikook were experiencing a hiccup in their relationship and you, rationalizing that moment with anything from 'JK don't have to be at JM's beck and call' 'he is an introvert who is shy to show affections publicly' to even something about the weather.

But I would have looked at this moment from the October pop up video behind scenes and assumed JK was mad at Jimin for something JM had done and had done something in retaliation and was now feeling sorry he did.

And I would have based it off of this moment, or a countless similar ones from around On era or the previous eras where JK had done this exact same thing- frozen in place and staring at Jimin in the middle of a shoot or interview after sliding his hands down Tae's chest, clung on to the others unnecessarily to get a reaction out of JM.

Would I have been right? It really doesn't matter to me as long as it makes sense to me. I ship Jikook in a way that makes sense to me. Jikook are gay, in a gay relationship with each other and are human like anyone of us- that makes sense to me. Whether I am right or wrong.... who cares and why does it matter?

Personally, I think the only person grieving in that period was JK not JM and I don't think he grieved for long before he switched off his humanity and went stone cold tit for tat terminator on JM and BTS's ass. Lol. He had JM looking all kinds of subdued in that era. Lmho.

People grieve in various ways. In my opinion. For Jimin, I feel he puts on a strong facade most times when he has to film during such times and lately I feel he masks his emotions with anger.

Jk masks his pain with anger too sometimes but I feel in recent times, he is leaning more towards indifference. I think he tries not to be as affected by certain things as compared to the early half of 2020...

But I understand what you mean when you talk about grieve. I think for me rather than look for physical evidence of grief like a sad face, a tear drop dripping down a face, I love for vulnerability in them.

JK's is easy to tell because he tends to open himself up to others such as Tae or Jin or Hobi- and I don't mean like his interactions with them. I mean he leans on them for moral or emotional support.

In the Holiday remix video where he was hiding behind Jin, I felt he was feeling very vulnerable and exposed after that intense moment with Jimin.

It's what he does when he is feeling vulnerable. He turns to others especially Jimin and if Jimin is the cause of his vulnerability he turns away from him like he did within On era or even in Run 116.

When he is in a good place with Jimin, often he is closed off to the others. Jimin does the opposite. He shuts himself up entirely from the group. I don't think he likes to go through his pain by himself.

I've always found that bit fascinating about them. Jk opens himself to people when he is at his lowest while JM closes himself off when he is at his worst.

It played out in their rainy day fight as well. In JK's vulnerability, that's when he let Jimin in, lowering his walls while JM on the other hand closed himself off to him.

Can you give me more than they were together in that period because they played with eachother's lapels?

You don't think I'm thinking rationally when I insist on my theory? Uhmmm... okay? What is rational in this case?

Listen, I recieve a lot of hate for my 'irrational thoughts and opinions' out in these streets. I've lost potentially great friendship on this platform because of it. As I type this, there is someone in someone else's DMs persuading them not to read and engage with my posts because I'm extremely evil I think Jikook break up from time to time in their relationship.

If I genuinely believed in the slightest least or had the least doubt that Jikook were together in that period I would change my mind on the topic- damn my pride and ego. It simply isn't worth the hustle.

If it helps your sanity, please stop reading my blogs. My blogs are not for everyone. It makes some people happy, it makes some people mad and some people experience both.

My gratification is in sharing my thoughts and chronicling Jikook's journey for my own appeasement and support of Jikook. I owe it to them as a believer and a supporter to humanize them as much as possible.

I do not seek to convert others, change minds, or convince anyone of my opinions or to disabuse anyone of theirs.

Let's just agree to disagree on the matter please. Or if you can drop the ad hominems, I would be more than happy to go back and forth with you on this very topic. It's actually shaping out to be one of my favorite Jikook eras. I love me some terminator JK. Lol.

Signed,

GOLDY

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