#so now i got a gallbladder attack :(((

[skunkg1rll]

.

#ughhhhhh i got a bit too brave w food #so now i got a gallbladder attack :((( #for the first time in 5 months #and the pain killer i got prescribed for it isnt working...... which is suspicious but what can i do #just gotta endure it #sucks that it's the exact day i have to go to school #but if im in pain i simply wont #im not someone who can do that 💀 i simply cannot #so i'll email my teacher and just stay home today #hope it'll pass soon and not last for like 12-24hrs #and i'll have to eat very carefully :((( #i wish i didnt try eating what i ate earlier bc i've been able to eat quite a lot of things #so i got too comfortable and too brave #now i got to pay for my mistake rip

[delulu4dean]

Emergency Room

Warnings: trauma, throwing up, surgery, hospital, swearing

Parings: Dean x sister!reader, Sam x sister!reader

Summary: reader gets emergency surgery, Sam and Dean make sure reader is recovering properly

Word Count: 3,517

It was one in the morning when your screaming and sobs woke your older brothers up. They ran to your room to find you on the floor, throwing up as you clutched your stomach in pain. You’ve been feeling some abdominal pain, and figured maybe the drinking finally caught up to you, even though you didn't drink that often. It wasn’t bad pain, just mild, so you let it be. In the past few nights the pain got worse though, and you lost sleep, staying up until the pain went away. It was some temporary attack of pain, two hours every night. But you managed, so you ignored it.

It was two in the morning, your brothers holding you up in the emergency room, demanding they hurry up and take you into a room. You’ve been crying for the past hour now, unable to stop from the pain. You thought to yourself, this is it. This is when you die. The pain has been switching from dull to sharp, and as you felt a wave of sharp pain jolt through your abdomen again, you screamed.

“She needs a bed right now,” Dean’s voice boomed through the waiting room. “She needs a doctor. She’s been like this for the past hour!”

“We’re prepping a bed right now,” the nurse assured Dean. Sam leaned you onto Dean, and you clung onto your eldest brother.

“Sammy, where are you going?” Dean asked, as he held you close.

“Just getting a wheel chair.”

Only a minute later, Sam returned with a wheel chair, and your brothers sat you down. Sam started filling out paperwork, while Dean held your hand, assuring you everything will be alright.

“Dean, I don’t want to die,” you sobbed, huddled over, hugging your stomach.

“Hey, hey, you’re not going to die. How long have you been feeling like this?” Dean rubbed your back.

“For the past four months. But it wasn’t this bad.”

“You should’ve told us, kid. We could’ve gotten this sorted.”

“I didn’t want to worry you, I thought it was nothing.”

“Y/N Winchester?” a nurse called out.

It was three in the morning when you were laying in a bed, a cold gel placed on your skin. You were getting an ultrasound, after the blood work and EKG came back normal. You winced as the technician pressed down on your side. Sam and Dean were there, telling you it’s alright. But with the cold gel and the pain you felt far from alright.

It was four in the morning when you were rushed in for surgery. You had a massive blockage in your gallbladder, from gallstones. Doctor told you it’s not incredibly uncommon at your age. Less likely, but not uncommon. Luckily the gallstone hasn’t ruptured anything, or caused bad swelling, so an emergency laparoscopic surgery was possible. The last thing you saw was doctors over your head. Things got fuzzy, as your eyes got droopy.

✰✰✰✰✰

White. Your vision is white first, and as it becomes clearer, you find yourself looking at the bright fluorescent lights in the recovery room. You try to move your arms, but your body still feels heavy. The most you can do is lift your head and look around. You feel like you’re unable to speak, but you try and try until you get a nurse to come over to you.

“Your brothers went to the cafeteria, I called them to let them know you’re out of surgery. They should be here soon,” she smiles at you.

After a couple of minutes you felt like you could move but as you tried to sit up, you feel too weak to support yourself, and your stomach hurts too much.

“Hey hey, lay down, we’re here,” Dean says, walking towards you. “We’re here now, and you’re alive and okay. They said you should be able to go home by 6am.”

“The surgery was minimally invasive, so you should be better and feeling one hundred percent in two weeks,” Sam smiles at you. “You did it. The hard part is over.”

The hard part is not over.

The surgeon comes up to you and your brothers, handing a packet to Sam.

“Give her fifteen minutes, then you can take her home, we’re getting the discharge papers ready. And we prescribed oxycodone for the pain, take only as needed. And when the pain becomes more mild to moderate, switch to ibuprofen,” the doctor explains.

“What about the pain before I can get to a pharmacy?” you ask.

“I’ll get someone to get you something.” And with that, the doctor walks off.

After a minute, the nurse from before comes in, and puts something in your IV. You look at her confused.

“What are you putting in there?” Dean asks for you.

“Fentanyl, for the pain. Just a little bit.”

“You’re giving my baby sister fentanyl?” Dean’s eyes widen.

“Dean, the doctor ordered it, they know what they’re doing,” Sam sighs. “It’s not like Y/N isn’t going to be on narcotics for the next two weeks.”

“She doesn’t need all this, she’s a Winchester.”

“Dean, please,” you plead, looking up at your brother. He can’t say no to you.

“You really need it for the pain?” he asks you, softly. You only nod in response.

After a little, Sam signs your discharge papers, while Dean puts you in a wheelchair to wheel you to Baby. You sit shotgun so you can recline the seat to a comfortable position. It hasn’t hit you yet, because you’re woozy from the drugs, but you have one less organ now. Sure it’s a tiny one that only aids in digestion, but it’s gone now.

Back at the bunker, the boys help you in slowly. You insist you can walk. You should walk. Walking five minutes a few times a day following a surgery reduces risk of blood clots. But the stairs, that’s the problem. You don’t even want to attempt to walk down the stairs.

“I’m alright over here,” you quaver.

“Hey, we’ll take it slowly,” Sam promises you, his voice gentle. “Take my hand, Dean and I got you.”

You take a deep breath, nodding. Then you take the first step. And the second step. And ever so slowly, you reach the bottom of the stairs. You look back up at them and decide you’re not leaving the bunker until you feel 100% again, because no way in hell are you going to do that again like this. You let go of your brothers hands, and walk over to your room, them following close behind to make sure you’re alright.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Dean asks you.

“I just wanna sleep.” You yawn and sit down on the recliner chair you got for when you played your video games.

“Do you want me to get you anything for lunch?” Dean asks again.

“Mmm something light on the tummy. I can’t have anything fatty or greasy or with too much dairy for the next month,” you pout. But the pout is quickly replaced with a smile when you think of something to eat. “I want some veggie pho please. I’ve been craving pho, I love love love pho.”

Dean nods, and helps you recline the chair.

“But get some sleep, you and Sam have been up all night with me,” you reach out to your brother’s hand. “At least nap.”

“We’re fine, kid.”

“And I’m fine too. I’m just going to sleep.”

“Don’t you want to sleep in your bed?”

“It’s easier to get up if I need to like this. Plus I got some vomit on my sheets.”

“Okay. You sleep, I’m going to clean that up right now.”

Dean kissed your forehead, and you lay back and sleep.

✰✰✰✰✰

You open your eyes to see Sam coming in with a bag of food. He had a smile plastered across his face while Dean, who’s following right behind him, looks angry.

“Mmm, hello,” you greet them, softly.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Sam sits beside you.

“I’m feeling alright,” you answer, sitting up. You wince as you do, but it could be worse. “Why is Dean all pissy? And why are you all happy?”

“Sam decided since you have to eat all healthy now, that we all should.” Dean crosses his arms.

“Ah right. It sucks, even after I’m healed, I’m still gonna have to eat like this because my digestive tract is not used to having one less organ. I’m going to be shitting like crazy.”

“Ew come on, I already have to eat healthy, I don’t want to hear you talk about poop,” Dean grimaces.

“Most healthy food is icky, but pho is just the best. My comfort meal,” you smile.

“Do you want to eat in here? You don’t need to get up if you can’t. We can bring you a little table to eat here if you want,” Sam rambles on.

“I want to eat with you guys,” you insist, getting up from your chair slowly.

The three of you walk to the table in the kitchen and you sit down. You lean over to eat, but you groan, your abdomen too weak to support you right now.

“Hey, let me help you,” Dean says, grabbing a spoon.

You watch his hand as he dips the spoon in the bowl, and brings the spoon up to your lips. It’s a little embarrassing, being babied like this from your older brothers. But you miss being their little baby sister too. You slurp up the soup and smile at Dean. Dean takes turns between feeding you and himself, asking you every now and then if you’re okay. You nod each time.

After eating, you get up, placing a hand on your back, almost holding yourself up as you walk.

“Hey, where are you going?” Dean asks, running up to you.

“I’m just going to take a walk around the bunker,” you let him know.

“Dean, stop smothering her, if she needs us, we’re here,” Sam tells Dean. Sam is the more rational of the two, so it makes sense he’s not as worried as Dean is.

Dean, on the other hand, is extremely protective. There’s no way he’s going to let his little sister be alone, even walking around the bunker. He places his hand on your back to support you. You roll your eyes.

“Dean, I’m a big girl,” you remind him.

“I don’t care how old you, you’re my sister. And you just got surgery done. What if you fall, or half way through the walk you get tired and you can’t walk back to your room?”

You sigh and give in to your brother’s help. It’s not that you don’t like the time with him, you do. But you don’t want to be babies so much. You spend a lot of time proving to your brothers how good of a hunter you could be, and now they see you as fragile again.

After a smoothie for dinner, and a couple of more walks here and there, you are already sleepy again. Not like anyone could blame you. The surgery, and the narcotics you took right before dinner and all the walking have you feeling sleepy.

You’re standing at the foot of your bed, debating if you’ll sleep in your recliner again or if you want to give your bed a try. Ah, what the hell, there’s always tomorrow to sleep in your bed. You grab your blanket and sit in the recliner, kick back, and close your eyes. It’s not easy to actually sleep though. You’re used to rolling around, sleeping on your side, stomach, and occasionally your back. But laying on you back, without being able to roll around? Not easy.

✰✰✰✰✰

You’re on an operating table, no doctors around. You’re wide awake, but unable to move. One look down, and your stomach is cut open, your organs spilling out of the cavity in your body. You let out a scream.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Dean bursts in through the door.

Your eyes shoot open and you look around, disoriented. You don’t know where you are at first.

“Where am I? Is it done? Did I die?” you panic.

“Woah, woah, you’re home. You’re in your room. You’re alive,” Dean assures you.

You let out a little gasp of pain and hold your stomach. The medicine wore off and you must’ve been dreaming about the pain. Dean brushes his thumb over your cheek only for you to realize he’s wiping your tears away.

“Did you have a bad dream?” He crouches down in front of you, as you manage to sit up. You nod, shoulders shaking as you let the cries come out.

“It was awful, I was open on an operating table, and… fuck, my stomach hurts Dean.”

Your brother wraps his arms around your shoulders. You cry for a little, letting it all out. You and Dean don’t say a word to each other, because nothing needs to be said. He knows you don’t feel okay, and you know you’re safe with him.

“I didn’t wake Sam up too, did I?” you ask.

Dean knows better than to lie to you, so he doesn’t. “Yeah, but I told him I got it, and that I’d wake him up if it was anything serious.”

You nod in response. Dean reclines your chair for you, so you can sleep, but he doesn’t leave your side. He sits at the edge of your bed, and runs his fingers through your hair, humming. Dean was awake with you the whole time at the hospital and now he’s awake with you again.

“Dean, you need to get some sleep,” you frown.

“I’m fine right here, baby sister.”

“ ‘M not a baby,” you mumble.

Dean hushes you as he resumes humming to you.

The next time you open your eyes, it’s morning, and dean is asleep on your bed. You carefully get up from the chair, taking your time. Then you shuffle your feet across the bunker floor, all the way to the bathroom. You lower yourself onto the toilet, and pull your phone out, and spend the next fifteen minutes scrolling through twitter. You’re startled as someone knocks on the door.

“Y/n, are you alright in there?” It’s Dean.

“Yeah, I’m just trying to… ya know, poop,” you tell him. “I don’t think I can do it.”

“Do what?” he asks through the door.

“Poop! I can’t poop! It hurts too much to push the poop out! Is that what you want to hear?” you groan, getting up from the toilet, pulling your pants up. You flush and wash your hands and open the bathroom door.

“You can’t poop?” Dean asks.

“My stomach hurts too much and I feel too weak to do it. I don’t want my stomach to get all backed up. If I can’t poop in two days I need to get laxatives,” you sigh.

“We will cross that bridge when we get to it,” Dean places his hands on your shoulders. “Sammy made breakfast.”

You nod, and walk over to the kitchen with Dean following closely behind you. You sigh, feeling like your brother is being a little too protective. But hey, Dean raised you, he’s going to be protective. Dean has been raising you since your mom, another hunter, died on the job. He’ll always see you as the baby you were when John brought you home.

Sam made some vegetable omelets for the three of you to eat. While you eat your breakfast, you take out your meds and swallow a pill with the meal. Sam asks you how you’re feeling and you tell him you’re feeling better than you thought you'd be. And after the medicine kicks in, you feel a lot better.

✰✰✰✰✰

The next week is filled with nightmares, lots of them. The ones combined with sleep paralysis as soon as you woke up are the worst, because even with your eyes open, the fact your stomach hurt and you were unable to move makes you think you’re back on the operating table. You’re eating, sure. Just enough. But you’re eating a lot less than usual, because you’re scared of what eating can do to you. It was good tasting food that triggered the gallstone attack that night, and you don’t want to eat like that ever again. Last night you woke up to yourself picking at the medical glue on your stomach. Nothing was bleeding, luckily but it still grossed you out.

The mood swings following surgery aren’t great either. It’s less a side effect of the surgery itself, and more a side effect of the drugs and the sleep deprivation. The first hour on the meds are great, you feel fine. Not euphoric, but you feel good. And then the good wears off and you feel like shit. So five days ago you decided to get off the narcotics. No pain is worth a drug dependency like this. Switching to the strong dosage of ibuprofen they’ve prescribed to you doesn’t sound too bad.

A week since surgery, and you’re up and walking almost like normal. Stairs aren’t too bad. Every fifteen minutes of walking you’re a little out of breath, but definitely better than you were a week ago. You just can’t wait for Jack and Castiel to come back, they can heal you. They’re off in heaven worrying about angel business. Of course you know if you prayed to them, they’d come back in a heartbeat. But you don’t want that. Especially from Cas. Cas has always been so selfless with you and your brothers, it doesn’t seem fair. But your face lights up, as you see the two walk into the bunker. They’re back.

“Cas! Jack!” you cheer.

“Hey, y/n!” Jack runs down the steps and runs up to hug you.

“Ow, shit,” you since in pain.

“What’s wrong,” Cas looks at you as he comes down the steps.

“I got my gallbladder removed,” you explain, lifting your shirt to expose your tummy.

“You should’ve told us. Just one prayer and we could’ve been here for you,” Jack frowns.

“You’re here now, that’s all that matters. It was minimally invasive, two week recovery until I’m basically one hundred percent, it’s not a big deal, Jack.”

“If you can, heal her,” Dean begs as he walks in. “She has not slept in her bed since she got back. I’ve been sleeping in her room to make sure she’s okay.”

“And I am okay, physically I’m fine!”

“Y/n, just let me heal you,” Jack pleads.

“Fine, I guess it would be nice to sleep in my bed,” you say.

Jack heals you, and you pick the glue off your stomach.

“Sweet, no scars!” You smile softly.

“How are you feeling, mentally?” Dean asks you.

“Mentally, I’m fine,” you insist.

“You’re not fine. You’re sleep deprived. Don’t think I haven’t caught on, I’ve been sleeping in your room with you. You’ve been having nightmares, you’re barely eating, you’re stressed, and a lot more quiet than you used to be. And like a Winchester, you’re keeping it all to yourself.”

“Dean-“

“Look, if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m not going to push it. But I’m here when you do feel like you can talk about it,” Dean says.

✰✰✰✰✰

Jack and you are sat on your bed. You should be sleeping, but you haven’t slept in your bed in a week and it feels weird now. Jack is close to your age… sort of… physically close to your age, it’s why you two are close friends.

“What was Dean talking about?” Jack asks you.

“Ah, knew you’d bring it up eventually. I’ve been having nightmares, about the surgery. It’s weird, it was so minor, but the pain before the surgery, I thought I was going to die. And waking up after surgery is so weird. It felt like sleep paralysis, which I’ve had during the past week as well. And taking narcotics then having to stop them because they felt a little too good wasn’t great. I just- I don’t know. I feel like I’m overreacting, I’m fine now. Especially thanks to you.”

It felt good to let it all out and talk to someone about it.

“Does Dean know?” Jack asks.

“Of course Dean knows, I don’t have to tell him, he knows. I don’t know if Sam caught on. Sam has been in charge of making sure I eat, he’s been making food that doesn't upset my stomach. And taking me on morning walks.”

“Your brothers love you a lot,” Jack says.

“Yeah. I got to admit, the attention was nice. Except with Dean following me almost everywhere. I mean like waiting outside while I showered in case I slipped,” you chuckle.

“You’ll feel like your old self again soon,” Jack assures you. “I can stay until you fall asleep if you want. Or even all night, in case you have another nightmare.”

“Thanks Jack.”

You turn off the light, lay down, and close your eyes.

#supernatural #dean winchester x sister!reader #dean x sister!reader #sam winchester x sister!reader #sam x sister!reader #Dean Winchester #sam Winchester #jack kline #castiel

[loupy-mongoose]

Was all of this gallbladder stuff sudden, or is it just sudden for us because you never mentioned anything about a gallbladder removal until recently

I mentioned a few times throughout the first week of Jan. that I was having some tummy issues, but I never really brought it to the spotlight. The most I did was inform you all that I had gotten "sick", and then only a few days ago mentioned my gall bladder.

There is very little way I can call this sudden in general, however.

I'm... actually gonna put this under a read more, because it runs a lot deeper than just these last few weeks... (Kinda turned into a life-story lol)

So, throughout that first week of Jan, I was having off-and-on mild pain. Nothing too intense, and I'd been through it many, many, MANY times before. (Yeah.... MANY.)

I tried to wait it out every time, only going to Doctors twice for it, and it would eventually go away. I would be careful with my eating afterword (based on past experiences, not any research or knowledge) and eventually I'd be back to normal for the time being.

The time between spells varied. Sometimes it was only months, sometimes it was almost a year. I don't think I ever went beyond a year with no spell, but I can't remember.

This started about

TEN

YEARS

ago.

If each episode has been a pancreatitis attack, then I consider it no small miracle that I'm as good off as I am.

I went to the Doctor once for it as a youth, and they gave me some kind of IBS or other pill for bloating. They did nothing to help, and I didn't pursue any more doctor visits about it until '22.

That time the pain didn't go away for many days, and it got incredibly incapacitating. So I went to the Doctor (completely different one from the first--we'd moved states.) I got some imaging done and they found Pancreatitis and Colitis. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home to recover.

But they didn't finds gallstones.

So I recovered and felt armed to better handle these pain episodes--Just limit my consumption to liquids.

Well, I was doing alright until now.

We had... a V E R Y fatty Christmas dinner, and I was grazing off of the worst of it the following week.

Then, come New Year's Eve, I start to feel that little ache. I... I ignored it, and ate some of the goodies we'd prepared for the night, a little more reserved about it than I normally would've been. Eating has always been one of my absolute favorite parts of that time of year, and I didn't want to let my potential stomach issue completely ruin it for me.

I'm actually surprised by how mild the pain was at first, given all the nasty stuff I'd been eating.

Anyway, that mild pain subsided, and I foolishly let myself eat some more leftover goodies, thinking I was being careful. And of course, it came back.

This went on through the week, with me gradually being more and more careful about what I ate, trying to eat more stomach-bug friendly foods like crackers and toast.

A night finally came where it was so irritating that I threw up. That night it instantly made me feel better. I still increased my carefulness in consumption the following day, taking in nothing but a couple cups each of Pedialyte and chicken broth.

But still it came back. And that was the night it got bad.

I threw up a couple more times that night, and instead of helping this time... the second time left me in a lot of pain. So much that it was uncomfortable to breathe. Uncomfortable to do anything.

Thankfully my dad didn't have work that night (he works overnights), so we ultimately decided at about 6 am to take me to the emergency room.

There they found the gallstones and got blocking ones out of the way, and I spent the following week recovering in the hospital.

It seems most likely that gallstones have been the offender all these years, but the symptoms never quite matched that. I remember once looking into Pancreatitis and seeing that the symptoms matched that pretty well, but never let gallstones settle as an option.

Anyway, I guess I can at least say I have some closure after all this time. It'll be good to finally be free from this plague!

#violetjazz25 #ask #peek behind the Loupy curtain lol #Somehow I doubt you all needed to hear all that. #But I dunno--I just felt like telling it.

[murphysletsdraw]

I actually just spent the last 3 days in the hospital because of gallbladder attacks so being featured on the radar is a wonderful home coming!! Illness/hospital talk under readmore, nothing graphic

I thought it was just back problems/random chronic illness symptoms but I've actually had gallstones for like 9 months now and on Sunday I got jaundice after a week of attacks and finally went in... it went really well, everyone was lovely, I got help quickly and now I'm scheduled to have my gallbladder removed in 6-8 weeks, which doesn't seem like a particularly difficult operation. It's such an absolute novelty for me to be able to go to a doctor who 1) understands I'm ill and why and 2) can fix the issue, so I'm pretty excited to be honest. I thought I might just have to lie in bed with cramps a couple times a week for the rest of my days! Now I'll have to see if I can be okay enough to work and paint while I wait for the surgery... I hope so, I've been so physically wobbly so far this year. Anyway don't get gallstones, it's very painful.

#disability

[mistress-ofmagic]

Around the Realms in 80 days- Chapter 20

Pairing: Reader x Loki

Story summary: You have fallen through a portal during the convergence into Asgard and come face to face with Thor, and his brother Loki. With no way to return, you must travel with the two men and their hoard of asgardian soldiers to get back home. Things get from bad to worse when you have to share a tent with the god of mischief himself.

Notes:

Um so hi!! I hope some of you are still out there!!! I'm so sorry for my insane absence but I have been struggling with some health issues and had to have surgery to have my gallbladder removed! Either way I am back now and I really really hope some of you are still interested in reading this story and can still remember what is going on lmao!

I honestly thought at one point this chapter would be short but I always think that and I am always a clown. We have gotten back to the plot more in this chapter after a couple of silly fun chapters so I hope you enjoy it!

Read this story on a03!

find all parts to this story on Tumblr here

The fire demons were attacking from all sides, with you and Loki in the middle. You were surprisingly calm and felt focused on your task, creating forcefields to protect you and Loki from the firebolts headed your way. Loki’s green magic blasted towards the demons, knocking them with force. 

“Impressive shield work, I suppose you've had ample experience dealing with fiery nuisances.”

You grinned at him in the middle of the battle, “my life is basically a never ending bonfire.” 

The demons retaliated with a torrent of flames and you wielded your staff to make your forcefield stronger. 

Loki flourished his sceptre towards the demons, 

“You’re extremely competent with that staff.” Loki said, impressed. 

“That’s what he said.” 

You both laughed heartily. 

“My dear, your quick wit and fiery spirit are almost as impressive as my powers.” 

Loki shot the rest of the demons with two pistols he drew from his holders attached to his tan leather buckled belt.

There was quiet after, and you dropped your forcefield now the enemy had been dealt with. You looked back at Loki, taking in his brown batwing chaps. You had the sudden desire to be as close to him as possible and you both took strides towards each other. Loki gave you a smouldering look, his eyes full of passion, took you in his arms and leaned in…

“Latte?” 

Who had said that? Loki’s lips had moved but a different voice sounded. Had Loki always had that cowboy hat on?

“Latte.” A singsong voice stated again. 

“Hm? Yes please…” 

There was a gentle chuckling which confused you. What had you said that was funny? 

Come to think of it, what was that strange whirring noise? And what was digging into your head?

Your eyes opened slowly and found Thor and Fandral looking at you, grinning. 

Oh god, you’d fallen asleep on the spacecraft. 

Worse still, you seemed to be resting your head on the shoulder of none other than Loki of Asgard. 

He shoved you off, surprisingly not too sharply.

“You have a bony shoulder.” You mumbled, rubbing the side of your head. 

“How did you fall asleep? I thought you were nervous.” Loki asked, almost slightly impressed. 

“It’s a gift.” You yawned and stretched and ignored Loki’s narrowed eyes. “Are we there yet?” 

“Nearly.” Thor answered as he and Fandral shared a look. “Best prepare yourself.” 

They wandered to the front of the helm with Hogan. Prepare yourself? How could you prepare yourself? Maybe you could take a defensive stance or something? 

Unfortunately the more nervous you got, the loonier your brain tended to get and your dream had knocked you off kilter. 

 “Stop it.” Loki said, sharply.

“Wh-i’m not doing anything.”

You refused to make eye contact with him, the dream still far too fresh in your memory. Jesus, what would have happened if you hadn’t been woken up? 

You stared determinedly at the steel floor. 

“I can tell you are ruminating, you are going to work yourself up, as you usually do.” He added at the end unnecessarily. 

Why did he pick now as an opportunity to be kind of sweet? Well as sweet as Loki could be, which was still rather stern and prickly. 

What was that uncomfortable feeling, were you…

“Are you blushing?” Loki asked incredulously. “Like a fair maiden?” He added smugly. 

“No!” You said too fast. 

Loki’s smugness seemed to grow. 

“I hope you are going to be able to focus on the mission at hand.” 

“Ugh don’t be so gross. It’s just a bit warm in here. And besides I’m allowed to ruminate. Is this 1984? Are you the thought police?” You prattled on.

God you hoped not now would be a really bad time for Loki to be the thought police. 

He raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘I told you so’ and you stuck your tongue out at him. 

“Very mature.” 

“Well given that I’m not one billion years old like you are I am allowed to have moments of immaturity, especially before I face certain death.” 

You noticed out of the corner of your eye that Sif was giving you a strange look from the seats opposite you, and it was not exactly friendly. 

You had kind of forgotten about the additions to your Asgardians pals on this trip and the fact that they weren’t particularly used to seeing mortals. And probably not mortals who argued with their most hated Prince. And you had just blushed too which was so uncool. Oh god, you were never going to beat the sycophant rumours. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket. How do I have signal in space you wondered, starting miraculously at your phone. 

The text was from Oliver, a gif of a cat waving goodbye and the light relief made you chuckle. 

“What has amused you my lady?” Fandral asked, sitting down opposite you next to Sif. He sat with his legs very wide, almost touching Loki’s legs with what little gap there was between the two seating benches. 

Loki rolled his eyes and made an irritated noise which Fandral ignored. 

“Nothing really.” You shrugged it off. 

“Well something has got you smiling.” Fandral raised his eyebrows at you, teasingly. 

“Honestly it’s nothing a text.” 

“What’s a text?” Volstagg asked, biting into an apple. 

“Must you always be eating?” Fandral asked, laughing. “A text is a Midgardian form of electronic communication.” He smirked at you, knowingly. 

You fought back the laughter that threatened to escape you at the sight of Volstaggs confused face. 

“That’s right.” 

“But I wonder, who is sending you texts?”

“Just a friend wishing me well.” You replied hastily. 

“Ah” Fandral frowned. “But there is no need for such wishes, you have Asgards mightiest warriors with you.” He winked. 

Loki scoffed, and seemed to be about to say something when the craft suddenly jolted, as if it had hit an invisible wall. 

Thor took a few strides back to face the party. 

“We’re here.”

                                                                        ***

Surtur was huge. And also terrifying. And had you mentioned the huge thing? You could see why the fire demons had made him their leader.

He looked as though he was made completely from molten rock and seemed to remain ablaze. He had two horns sticking out of either side of his skull which alone must have been about the height of a double decker bus.  His eyes were two yellow fires held in the twisted roots of his skull.

You guessed this was sort of the court for the fire demons. Surtar sat at the furthest end of rocky landscape (fire demon architecture left much to be desired) with a few other important looking fire demons surrounding him who seemed to be swagged out with various pieces of gleaming multicoloured rock jewellery. 

There were more of the demons surrounding, snarling at your group as you walked past. Thor and Loki strode ahead of the party, and you had tried to position yourself in the middle, hoping you wouldn’t be noticed. 

God it was hot. You fought the urge to fan yourself and you felt yourself getting a very sexy top upper lip sweat already. Your outfit was doing nothing to help although you were grateful for it. Stark had kitted you out in head to toe Stark tech. The material was flame resistant, as well as having some other properties that seemed helpful but you couldn’t for the life of you remember what they were now.  

Of course, the Asgardians didn’t seem to have worked up a sweat. 

“Your council seem unhappy to see us, Surtur.”

“My council are unused to visits from Odinsons. As am I.” Surtur spoke with a deep, gravely voice that you felt in your stomach.

“We want no trouble.”

“And yet, you bring the God of trouble himself.” His voice reverberated around the room, encouraging the other demons to laugh, a sound that concerned you. 

“We demand answers. Why have you attacked Midgard?” Loki ordered. 

Surtur laughed again,

“Surely you have not come all this way, placed yourself in danger to lecture us about a tiny world that none of us care about?”

Rude, you thought. 

“Midgard is under Asgards protection. My father stopped the frost giants from conquering Midgard many moons ago and I will stop you from doing the same now if I have to.” Thor stated.

“I have no desire for Midgard.” 

Then why attack at all, you wondered.

Luckily, and also scarily, Loki was on the same page as you.

“If Midgard is so wretched, why even bother attacking them?”

Surtur frowned his great big forehead. 

“Midgard had grown complacent, it was time to remind them their fairytales were real.” He opened his mouth into a fiery grin.

You didn’t buy it personally, but you had bigger problems to worry about. One of the Surtur’s burning councilmen was staring directly at you, his eyes glistening like black coals. 

“Come now Surtur, you can’t think us so foolish as to believe that, when for thousands of years you have left the Midgardians alone? Your attacks on Midgard seemed random; attacking three cities and then retreating quickly? Not the strategic planning of the Surtur that we all know and revere.” Loki played to his ego. 

“The attacks on Midgard were just the beginning.” Surtur leant forward in his gigantic throne. 

The fire demon doing his best to stare you out was continuing to make you uncomfortable. You wanted to ask about the disappearances; after Stark had told you about the attacks you had done some googling and it turns out that a number of people in the cities had gone missing during the attacks. They were presumed dead, their bodies left somewhere in the destruction and rubble but something about it felt off to you. You had raised it with Stark and he had agreed. 

You were stuck between mentioning it but not wanting to draw any more attention to yourself. You thought briefly to how Loki sometimes talks to you in your head, a phenomenon you were not particularly fond of. 

Could there be a way you could do the same with him? You weren’t sure exactly how it worked and maybe it was just one of Loki’s irritating tools in his magical toolkit but could there be a way of reaching him in a similar way?

You focused firmly on the back of Loki’s head. 

Ask about the disappearances.

…nothing happened. 

Next, you tried to imagine sending the words from your head and into Loki’s head, but again 

nothing seemed to happen and you felt a bit stupid. You tried again a couple more times, shouting the words louder in your own head. Finally, you closed your eyes and imagined pushing the thought like a wave, crashing down onto him. 

Ask about the disappearances, bitch 

You tried louder and angrier too, in case that helped. 

You watched Loki closely as he shifted slightly. 

By the Norns, can you stop shouting at me? 

Oh my god, it worked. 

How did I do that?

I left the channel between us open and you figured how to tap into it.Even telepathically Loki sounded irritated, as if he regretted doing so. You however, were very pleased he had.

So I’m not telepathic? 

Fortunately not. 

But I did figure out how to do this. You felt very smug.

Congratulations. Loki sounded sarcastic. 

“What do you mean ‘just the beginning’” Thor frowned. 

You snapped back to the conversation happening not in your head. 

Surtur laughed in response. 

You noticed a shared annoyed glance between Loki and Thor. 

“What about the mortal disappearances?” Loki asked.

“So many questions.” Surtur goaded them, “how does it feel to be in the dark Asgardians?”

He was loving this, it was very frustrating. You wanted to punch his massive scorching face. Although, your hand would probably burn which wouldn’t have been ideal. 

Still you thought, he didn’t deny the mortal disappearances which could mean something. Or perhaps he was simply playing with you all. 

Thor scoffed, “Surtur you old fool, Asgard is still the most powerful realm in the Cosmos, do you really think whatever scheme you have bought into is going to prevail?” 

“Odin grows old, Asgard is not what it was. Perhaps it is time for change. The end of things as we know it and the rebirth of something new.”

“The ‘rebirth’?” Loki took a step forward, “careful now Surtur, that sounds suspiciously like…”

“Ragnarok.” Surtur finished in his deep, slow voice. 

The Asgardians around you shifted, and Sif made a noise of disgust. 

What was that word? You thought you could vaguely remember reading it somewhere but you couldn’t remember what it meant. By the reactions of the people around you, you guessed it was not good news. 

“What?” Sif spat and grabbed hold of her sword. 

Loki’s eyes were hard and steely, and his face pale despite the heat but he replied dryly,

“Ragnarok? A tired prophecy Surtur. Surely you can conjure a more original plan than that?” 

“Puny Gods, you cannot stop this. If I were you I would go home and spend your remaining time with your loved ones.” Surtur chuckled. 

You cursed yourself inwardly for not paying more attention to your books, if only you could remember what Ragnarok meant so you knew what they were talking about. 

Thor looked properly angry, a look you had not seen on him before, “Cease this senseless nonsense, this is your warning or Asgard will have no choice but to engage in war.” 

“You will have your war Odinson and you will loose. Ragnarok has already begun and there is no stopping what the fates have decided. The prophecy must come true.” 

“Then you know what we will do, you have signed your people a death sentence.” 

As Thor’s hammer glowed an electric blue, your heart jumped as you realised that a fight might break out. 

Oh god this is really happening. 

“Thor, let’s think rationally about this.” Loki put his hand on Thors shoulder. 

Thor however seemed beyond reason, and he shrugged him off as he held his hammer up and swung it, preparing to fight.

“You have made a grave mistake Odinson.” Surtur stood suddenly and you followed his flaming body with your eyes, amazed and terrified at the size of him now you could see his full height. 

“Don’t say it.” Loki groaned.

“I make grave mistakes all the time, but everything seems to work out.” 

“And you said it.” 

The air crackled with tension for a few seconds, and then before you could comprehend what was happening, fire demons began their attack. 

After a couple of seconds of standing there with your mouth open like a fish without water, you remembered the plan you Thor, Loki and Stark had come up with before your visit here; if a battle starts to get out of harms way as quick as possible. Luckily, the demons rocky architecture you had been judging earlier made for plenty of hiding places. 

As Loki distracted the demons conjuring illusions, you managed to spring yourself into action, ducking and diving behind a large rock. You moved further over to the left, staying low behind the walls where you could be covered and still keep an eye on the action. Gripping hard on your gun that you felt ridiculously underprepared to use you focused intently on what was going on. The weapon you had been supplied with in case of a worst case scenario, wasn’t outrageously powerful or anything, you doubted you would be trusted with anything too deadly however it could cause some damage if needed. 

You hoped however that you would’t need to use it. What had Loki said yesterday? Take any opportunity to leave or hide.

It was alright for him you thought dryly as you studied Loki fighting off a demon. Despite fighting seeming to you more akin to a nightmare, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

In fact, they all did. You watched Thor wielding his precious hammer that you could never remember the name of with unwavering determination, lighting crackling around him. Sif with her sword gleaming in the firelight, moving with grace and precision striking swift and deadly blows. Even Hogan, armed with his mace stood as an immovable force. Sif and Hogan seemed to have some sort of count on, with who could kill the most demons. 

You watched Fandral and Volstagg bantering as they fought off a couple of ugly looking demons. 

Watching them joke around make you feel more confident, as surely nothing bad could happen if the Asgarians didn’t think this was too difficult a feat. 

Where are you you heard Lokis voice. 

Behind some rock you sent back to him.

Very helpful, can’t you be more precise? 

What am I, a compass? I’m somewhere to your left, I can still see you all.  You replied. Directions had never been a strong point of yours. 

Stay hidden. 

You rolled your eyes. As if you were going to do anything else. Did he think you were going to try and take on a fire demon single handedly? You thought about replying something snarky but decided you’d better just let him concentrate. 

Indeed, Loki seemed very busy weaved in and out of reality, appearing and disappearing, his daggers cutting through the fiery adversaries. You knew that Loki’s skills were looked down on by the other warriors, Fandral had made cutting remarks during your time in Asgard but you still couldn’t understand it. You hadn’t had an opportunity to watch him mid action like this before and it truly was a sight to behold; he was lithe and quick while still strong and powerful, thwarting demons like it was his day job. 

It reminded you of something…then it hit you. This was similar in some ways to the dream you had had on the ship. 

Oh my god now is not the time. You physically shook your head to stop yourself from going any further than that route. 

Turning your attention back to the others, you watched Thors hammer crashed into the demons, unleashing thunderous blasts that scattered through their ranks, as Sif and Fandral sliced their swords through the air. 

Despite the fierce onslaught, the demons fought back relentlessly. Their fiery attacks rained down upon the group, testing their mettle. As the battle raged on, the ground shook beneath their feet as flames engulfed the surroundings. 

You wiped the sweat out of your face, looking around you for anyone who might have found your hiding space. However everyone was concentrated on fighting the Asgardians. 

Loki had told you to look out for opportunities to find out information that you might be able to gather more than others, however given the current circumstances you doubted there would be any chance of that. In fact, you felt a little bit useless crouched here watching the rest of them fight. 

Granted, your skills were never going to lie in hand to hand combat, but you still felt desperate to do something to support them. 

Despite Lokis’ warning to stay out of sight, you decided to take a chance. You stayed low and moved swiftly to the next bolder, dodging an ill timed flame headed towards you. From here, you were slightly closer to the action. 

You had a sudden strange feeling of playing laser tag as a child and how this felt much the same; crouching behind walls and hiding in dark corners. Unfortunately, the stakes were much higher now. 

Your eyes drew back to Loki, watching as he used his magic to push back against the demons. You bit down on your lips hard, as there was a close moment he barely missed a fireball that could have burnt his arm.

Can you be more careful you idiot, you sent your concern over to him before you stopped yourself. 

Worried for me mortal? How cute. 

You wish. 

You were though, worried for him. You knew Loki and the rest were seasoned pros at fighting off monsters but you had never been in a battle situation before. 

Come on, you told yourself, pull it together its not like they haven’t done this before, worry about yourself. 

While you were staring at him, you suddenly felt your back get very warm. You turned quickly, clutching your weapon to find the demon that had been staring at you earlier staring down at you. 

Your heart thumped loudly and you panicked, fumbling for the trigger on your weapon as you tried to half stand; an awkward movement due to your panic and trying to ensure the back of you wasn’t left exposed to an open attack.  

Before you could do anything, the demon surprised you by speaking. 

“Your friends are going to die. There is no getting out of this.”

You stared at him, unsure of how to respond to that. Instead of something heroic or even settling for something normal, you blurted, 

“Why haven’t you attacked me yet?” 

“Are you a mortal with a death wish?” His black eyes glinted at you.

“No.” You chocked out.

God seriously get a grip, you chided yourself, stop acting like such a prat. 

“Leave these Asgardians to their demise and come with me, there’s a greater future waiting for you.”

Now you were confused.

“What are you propositioning? What greater future?” 

“The human race is weak and frail.” The demon hissed. “But they can help make you stronger.”

“Who can?” You graciously ignored the insult. 

The demon just grinned at you, menacingly. 

“Who are you working with?” You asked again. “Who has promised you Ragnarok?” 

“You are on the loosing side mortal. Look at you, useless, cowering while the others fight. But that can change if you surrender yourself to them.”

He wasn’t wrong but it still stung a little. Hadn’t you just been thinking that it would be nice to be able to feel more helpful? 

“We can make you powerful.” The demon continued to press you.

Powerful…

You laughed and met the demons eye, drawing yourself up straight for the first time. Maybe that would have been a tempting offer to someone else. Unfortunately, if he was trying to sell you something he was going the wrong way about it. The thing is, you had never been particularly interested in the notion of power. 

“The issue with power is that it usually comes with responsibility. And I really, really hate responsibilities.”

You took a deep breath in. 

“Tell me who you are working with, or I’ll blast you with this…thing.” 

In a flash, you saw the demon narrow his eyes and lift his hand to throw a fireball at you, which at this distance would have killed you. You closed your eyes, let out a scream and pressed the trigger. 

You heard the blast and a noise that sounded suspiciously like something hitting a rock, and opened one eye slowly to see what you had done. Hitting something at close range meant that the weapon had proved to be pretty impressive, and you saw the demon lying in a heap a few feet away from you.

You shuddered, that was horrific. You wondered if Captain America usually shuts his eyes and screams like a ninny when dealing deadly blows. 

You gipped. 

Oh god I’m going to be sick, you thought, dropping your gun and gripping your stomach with one hand and a nearby rock with the other. 

The adrenaline of nearly dying but besting a demon and the gory sight of seeing it laid on the floor had proved too much. You were embarrassed to find tears in the back of your eyes.

Seriously dude, this fire guy was going to kill you and you beat it. Cheer up a bit maybe. You mentally shock yourself. 

It was then you realised that the demon had managed to burn you before you had shot it, your hand that you had held the gun with, that hadn’t been covered in anything was bleeding and sore. 

You’ll have to process this later you told yourself, trying to push it back into your mind so you could focus on the rest of the fight. Your hand stung but it would recover fine.

After a few breaths you pulled yourself around. You still weren’t overly keen on the idea that you had just killed something but you also had a sense of pride too. You had just beaten a demon for Gods sake! Useless human who? And you had been able to find out something interesting too, these mystery figures wanted humans for something. 

You bent back down and picked your gun up, turning back to face the fight. You looked up and made eye contact with Loki. His eyes took in your grimacing expression and caught the dead demon not too far away from you. 

Everything suddenly fell into slow motion. Loki took steps towards you and his mouth opened, you could see him saying your name but you couldn’t hear it. As his attention was turned towards you, a particularly large demon was running towards him from the left. 

Without giving it a second thought you ran straight towards the fight. 

The demon opened his palms to shoot the flames towards Loki and you weren’t going to make it in time.

You changed your direction running towards the demon and shot your weapon as you leapt straight in front of the torrent of fire that was made for Loki. 

It hit you straight in the chest knocking you forcefully back onto the gravely terrain and you cringed as you felt your head hit the floor. 

Someone was shouting your name but you weren’t sure who. There was a ringing in your ears from the impact nearly drowning out the noise of the battle. You could only focus on your chest hurting; it stung and ached and you were winded. You hoped that your outfit had helped a little in preventing burns but given the pain you weren’t so sure. 

Loki’s face appeared in front of you, a little blurry but still looking furious. 

“What the hel were you thinking?” You could tell he was incandescent but you were struggling to focus on anything other than the pain. 

“You’re welcome by the way.” Your mouth tasted like blood and you winced. 

You felt yourself being taken into his arms which you huffed at and he ignored, and he placed a surprisingly freezing cold hand on your burns. You looked down to see your Stark tech top was ripped and the skin under looked red and inflamed. Where Loki rested his hand, his skin was blue. 

“What the fuck?” You tried to move away, the sight taking you by surprise.

Loki shushed you and held you tighter so you couldn’t move.

“Stop fighting me for once.” He paused, his forehead creased 

“You… I would have been…” He stated, his eyes met yours, his forehead creased. He looked confused and vulnerable for a second.  

“Okay, this is dramatic, let’s not tell anyone about this.” You let your head rest in the crook of Loki’s arm. 

Just as you spoke, Thor realised what was happening and after he had finished off his fight came over to see. The others either hadn’t noticed or were holding down the fort with two of their men now fussing over a human. 

As the adrenaline was wearing off, the pain got worse and everything started getting more blurry. Your body felt heavy and tired.

“If you die I’ll go to Hel and bring you back myself so I can kill you again for being so stupid.” 

You tried to keep your eyes open for as long as you could.

“I’ll look forward to it.” 

Then everything went black. 

Notes: What did you think????? Also yes I had to get the AI's sequence in somewhere it was too funny lmao. I so so hope some of you are out there and reading this and I'm not just talking to myself.

Tag list:

@creationsbyme  @kikster606  @slytherinintj13  @th0rswh0res  @huntress-artemiss  @jannieka394 @stefffrs  @misswimberly @thedistractedagglomeration  @yoongissidebitchh  @purplekitten30 @mischief2sarawr  @johnmurphys-sass 

@lonadane  @imalovernotahater @lokisgoodgirl. @laliceee @dlwrish  @paetonnn  @lovelysizzlingbluebird  @reas-writing  @buttercupcookies-blog @acidcasualties

#loki #loki x you #loki x y/n #loki smut #loki marvel #loki of asgard #loki mcu #loki x reader #tom hiddleston #loki odinson #loki god of mischief

[bunnihearted]

ok im not nervous for surgery anymore i just want it to be wednesday now so i can get this gallbladder out of me!!!! i have been eating carefully and now all of a sudden i got a gallstone attack nd it huuuurts so much T-T it could hurt for 12 hours so im just ... ughh i want this to be over i dont want this pain anymore

[fasterthanmydemons]

{out of breath} Alright folks, I know I'm getting on here late tonight, but it has not been a good day. I'll put some updates below a cut, but there's just a lot going on in my life right now that's not only taking away from time I have to write, but it's also leaving me without a lot of creativity or ability to concentrate. I would probably skip tonight if I could, because I'm exhausted and my focus is not really there to write, but I skipped last week, and will need to skip next week as well. So... I am here to do what I can tonight, but I apologize if it's a bit light. I'm doing the best I can, honestly. The next few weeks are going to be rough, but then I'm hoping maybe I can turn a corner and things will get better. Thank you for understanding, I know I've been absent a lot lately in recent months, but you've all been so supportive. Things will get better, I'm just not exactly sure when. <3

Okay so... for those who want to know what's going on... I found out this morning that I will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. This was anxiety-producing enough because I've never had surgery before in my life (unless you count wisdom teeth extraction), and people in my family rend to react poorly and dangerously to anesthesia. So I'm very anxious about this, and I've got a consultation with a surgeon next Monday to probably schedule a date to have this done in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm in a decent amount of pain, and I'm already on a restrictive diet that will likely become even more restrictive after surgery. I've been a comfort eater/baker all my life, that's my main coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, so this has been very damaging to my mental health to have my one go-to taken away.

While that was going on today, in the midst of calling doctors and making appointments and such, I've been working on a promotion package that's due the end of the week. I didn't want to apply for promotion because I don't really think I deserve it, but I also just want to keep things status quo. I'm fine with my job the way it is, and I don't need a promotion. But I've been informed that not applying may be one of the factors contributing to me potentially losing my job later this year, because I won't "seem ambitious enough." I'm just like... of course I'm not ambitious, I'm taking care of my grandmother, I've got health issues, I've got focus and memory issues post-Covid, yeah I just want things to stay the way they are. But I may lose my job if I don't show interest in advancement. So I've had to quickly write and gather everything to apply by Friday because I wasn't planning on doing it.

Then I found out today that the person I have to send all my promotion materials to, and one of two people who will be making the decision on whether or not I get promoted AND whether I keep my job going forward... is a woman who 1) stole my research in 2015 and rendered me unable to publish my own work because she stole it and published it first, and 2) got me laid off from my dream job in 2017 because she lied behind my back to the company we were conducting research for that I was no longer interested in the project, so that she could have all the project funding only for her lab. So I'm just like.... I am... so screwed. *sigh* My hope for keeping my job plummeted after that. That was my second panic attack of the day.

My third... was when I went out to get the mail, only to find out I've been summoned for jury duty. I mean seriously, life? Really? What the actual flippin' pancake?! I was like how am I going to manage this promotion application process, surgery, recovery, AND my students have their midterm this Friday and a forum assignment I have to grade the same day as my surgery consultation as well (the reason I have to skip this blog next week)... and then also add jury duty. After I calmed down, I went on the website and tried to do a medical deferral until the summer, when I would be between classes and hopefully over some of my health issues... which was thankfully accepted. So that at least has been resolved for the time being.

After that, I just... crashed so hard. I slept from 7PM to 11:30PM because the stress just hit hard. After dealing with some laundry that had been backing up, I am just now getting on here at 3AM, heh. So. That's. What's been going on. It's been... ALot™.

Once I have my surgery date, I'll know better when I have to go on hiatus for a bit, because I'll be in the hospital for a couple days with limited web access and then I'll be recovering at home, so I'm not sure how all of that is going to go. As soon as I know more, I'll let everyone know so that you'll know when I'll be gone and when I'm coming back.

Again, thank you for understanding. I'll be okay, it's just a seriously bad patch of life right now. This too shall pass, I know. I just wish it would hurry up, heh.

#{ out of breath } ᵒᵒᶜ

[mauswife]

So sorry if this is an annoying or repetitive question, but I’m in a similar family situation and I was curious if you experience maternal feelings toward your brother? Or if the knowledge that he is your brother and not your son is enough to stave this off? I’ve read accounts from surrogates where they develop a maternal attachment during pregnancy that makes the handoff of the baby really difficult. Was it easier since you’re not really being separated from your brother after birth? Again I’m sorry if this is something you’re tired of explaining, one of your posts about it floated across my dash and scrolling your blog for a while I haven’t seen any posts about it that could answer my questions without directly asking. Have a good one

hi! happy to answer, especially if it helps you in some way

to clarify, just in case: what i did isnt considered a surrogacy, but a gestational carry, because my own eggs were not used in any way. surrogacy, from my understanding now (because i had no idea there was a difference or that surrogacy entailed horrors when i started this ~1.5yr ago) is when a woman gives her own genetic material in the creation of the child, carries it, then the child is removed from her and raised by someone else. what i did was have a lil test tube guy, a week old fetus basically, implanted into me, a fetus that belongs(ed? he ain't a fetus no more) to my parents. all i did was help my mom out with gestating him. basically.

anyway to answer you: i've had a heavy hand in raising all of my siblings since i was about 12 years old so i think i have a weird relationship with maternalist feelings but i'll do my best to answer as clearly as i can because for me those waters are a bit muddied. for me the most clearly maternal i felt was immediately post-birth and i will explain. the entire time i was pregnant i was fine, i had a wonderful peaceful easy pregnancy (im pretty sure comparably, aside from a couple gallbladder attacks) without much stress or anxiety mostly, but the minute i saw him, and specifically saw other people, medical professionals, touching him, i got extremely emotional like rapturously overjoyed and then also extremely anxious. they had to take him a few times for a few tests, some examinations, a bath, et c., and i remember getting overwhelmingly anxious and upset that he was apart from me and that they could possibly hurt him because a lot of them are dumb as fuck but that's a separate grievance for another time

im lucky in that i have him half of the time, im with him during the night and early day and my mom is very very freely giving with him and i am as much involved as she and my dad are, just like with my other siblings. the first night i was home he was with my mom and i couldn't sleep just weepy and wondering what he was doing. literally. wondering what a newborn was doing lol. but after a few days for me this wore off as my hormones settled and my anxiety and worry relaxed about him getting hurt, that was a constant fear for the first like 4 or 5 days for me. sleeping helped my body and mind return to normalcy, i had a c-section so i am still recovering from that and my physical inability at the time also had something to do with my fears i think, i had this sense of inadequacy that i would fail him and being physically vulnerable didn't help

overall now, im fine i think. ask me again in a couple months though, who knows about then. i definitely get all the time with him i want or need. my mom from the beginning has been discussing the possible difficulty with me and i think ive organized things mentally well enough. i never thought of him as anything but my brother so i think that helped as well, i think if i wouldve basically poisoned myself into considering him to be my child it would've made things a million times harder as well as that being biologically untrue.

my parents trusted me to do this extremely important thing for them because i volunteered several times over the course of years and have worked to prove my responsibility to them. so it really felt like an act of love for me, i love them, i love my other siblings, i love the baby, i love everyone. all i wanted was to give more. and from the beginning my parents told me this isn't just their baby, it's 'our' baby, as in my whole family. thinking about it that way helped me too.

i hope this helped. i was very scared at some points and very nervous or fearful but nothing was ever as bad as i thought and i was never presented with anything i couldnt handle. please if you need or want to, come off anon and talk to me. im here for you if you need it, even if it is still anonymous but we are able to talk privately and i can do whatever i can to help, i'd be more than happy to. thank you for coming to me, i hope with all my heart that you're okay and your family too

#txt #ask

[taurus-spacecraft]

i saw you reblogged something about learning random facts and in the tags you mentioned andy warhol? could you please tell me a few things about him? :0 i'm studying him for my art GCSEs lol

YESS

(just note that i dont know all cool facts ab him just the general image for now)

WELL OKAY he was born 1928 and his parents were Austria-Hungary immigrats, hes mum was byzantine catholic and so was he for all his life he went to church almost every Sunday AND HE MEET JOHN PAUL II AND GAVE AUTOGRAPHS TO NUNS WHO WERE THERE

He started as a commercial illustrator theres a video showing technics he used for that , in the late 50s he started painting because he wanted his works to be shown in galleries and he did hes Campbell soup paintings, exhibited them in 1962 and that pretty much made him more known:DThe same year he bought a house and on the 5th floor created the factory decorated all in sliver paint and tin foil. It was relocated a few times but this one is the most famous. I belive most of his polaroids of celebrities were taken there but might be wrong lol. He was super obsessed with celebrities and fame which started when he was a kid and had to stay home for weeks after falling sick with sydenham chorea(it also made his skin and hair lose pigment for the rest of his life) and was collecting photos of celebs and writing to them

In 1968 he was shot by a radical feminist bc she didnt star in one of his films but he made it out alive, he was less social after that and became scared of hospitals. He kept making art, im his signature silk screen printing technic but belived he havent done anything good since the attack:( Also the woman who shot him ended up in a mental hospital, got out and has wrote him letters with pears.

He died basically because of his fear of hospitals he was moving his gallbladder surgery to the point when he actually did it it was very dangerous (and the fact that he was shot beafore and almost died didnt make it easier) he died because of complications after sugery but he did wake up! and made a call, then he suffocate i think

He stored things in boxes. I mean a lot of things. In a lot of boxes. They are called time capsules and im pretty sure they opened all of them, they included toe nails, old food, papers etc really ranodm thngs but his assignment whe help him to make the boxes said he knew exactly where he wanted to put what. So not random after all.

He was also openly gay beafore the gay liberation(he once submitted a series of man nudes to an exhibition but they rejected them and wanted to make a book, named cockbook. No comment needed on that), lived with his mom until he was 42, she moved in with him in NYC when he bought the house i mentioned earlier amd they had 20 cats all named Sam very important information. And he wore wigs, made in italy i think bc we went bald too quickly, he didnt style tehm and once a girl took his wig of and he wrote in his diary that we wanted to push her of balcony for that, i was surprised i was sure it was real hair lol

I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY NOW I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY MONOLOGUE

#i tried to not make it long but failed #i can do more but later #andy warhol

[thereisselfpreservation]

Health issue, sweats nervously

So... I got my gallbladder removed in 2021 after several months of recurring hours-long spiked pain attacks and then several days straight of unending, debilitating pain and the inability to hold anything down (having nothing left in my stomach, bile included, didn't even stop the puking!!!). I finally caved and went to the ER and was scheduled for emergency surgery because, apparently, my gallbladder was enlarged, full of stones, infected, in danger of rupturing, and may have already been in the process of spreading the infection to other organs. Was put on antibiotics and spent several days in the hospital, and then several weeks at home recovering from the surgery. Funny enough, because I am in pain all the damn time, and this particular pain had gone on for so long, that I didn't even notice how much pain my gallbladder was causing me until it was suddenly... gone. Even the grief from the surgery was less than what that organ had been giving me. Waking up from the anesthetics and instantly feeling relief from a pain I had just gotten used to was... fuckin' wild, for sure.

And now my current problem and why I rambled about a thing that happened years ago:

The exact same pain is back, but in a slightly different location. It's not the horrible 10/10 pain that finally sent me to the ER on the Third Night of Agony, but it's the pain that happened in the months building up to the 10/10 attack. The pain has even now spread to my back, under my shoulder-blade, exactly like the last time.

I only yesterday learned that you can still get gallstones even after you no longer have a gallbladder.

I'm.

I'm honestly scared. Of having to go back to the hospital.

I had a panic attack yesterday after learning about the gallstones thing. I've almost thrown up twice today and am incredibly nauseous, which is how the lead-up to the three-day-long Final Attack started, right up until I finally did puke and then all hell broke loose from there. I'm in debt from the last hospital stay. Money was the entire reason I spent that three days in agony before finally caving and going to the ER when I thought I was legitimately about to die (and, turned out, I wasn't super wrong about that one, which is surprisingly bad when you having a problem with catastrophic thinking in general due to mental illness and trauma -- "Fuck, I was right, this now gives more weight to all the wildly incorrect ones!"). (And yes, I do acknowledge that putting off help during an emergency because of money is. Not the smartest move. I get that.)

I don't really have an end goal I'm working towards with this post. I'm just scared. And tired. So fucking tired. There's so many problems we're currently dealing with right now, all completely unrelated to this -- so much fucking stress, and now...

Of course, it's always possible all of this is just me freaking out and manifesting some of the symptoms based on like, the similar pain and issues of an ulcer or something and I'll be fine. But good god am I ready to just. Not deal with having a body. It's so much work. Too much work. Anyone want this shit for free on craigslist? I can leave it on the curb for easy pick-up. I'm fine being incomprehensible, floating ectoplasm from now on.

#the gnat rambles #health shit #love ittttt #vomit mention #surgery mention

[izzyeffinhands]

“I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

“ What if I don’t wake up? “

The worry was so strained on his voice. Izzy despised when he was sick. He was a hard working man that owned his own small business. Rest wasn’t really in his vocabulary. He had the bakery to look after. He had his employees; Roach, Frenchie, and even Fang who he gave a delivery salary. He had Stede to look after, because fuck. Who the fuck would look after Stede Bonnet if he was gone? Certainly not Mary.. and his kids were too young. Izzy has to survive anything and everything, if only to support his lovely writer and partner.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“ Fucking ‘ell, will that incessant sound ever stop?! “ Izzy raised his voice as he lay in the hospital bed on the gurney. The beeping simply got faster as he got frustrated. Izzy wasn’t good with sick, so he damn sure wasn’t good about having to have his gallbladder removed. He’d never been under the knife before. He was terrified. Terrified wasn’t a good look for a strong boyfriend when you had such a soft one, he’d decided. The baker was afraid of dying, afraid of surgery, afraid of doctors. Stede hasn’t seen him this frantic before, he knew, and he knew that probably worried him more, which just worried Izzy more and —

What a vicious fucking circle of worry. He was having a panic attack right there in the pre-operative surgery area. His eyes were shaking and was he crying now? He didn’t notice the tears on his cheeks as he was so fucking frantic. Maybe the doctors could give him something to calm him down prior to the operating theatre..

“ I can’t do this. I can’t.. “ He sat up despite the IV in his hand, dressing gown open in the back and slipping down a bit. He looked positively green already from the infection going on in his gallbladder, but now he looked green simply from his own worry and terror. He sniffled, shifting to move the blankets off. He was going to walk out of this area bare assed in a gown if he had to. He couldn’t do it.

#avastyetwats #got inspired from the ask #drawing from things from my own life #also I thought it would be sweet and heartbreaking for Stede to see his tough ass daddy boyfriend panic #hes really afraid

[firespirited]

So I have a bunch of 'war stories' about my long long time with violent gallbladder attacks trying to magically lose weight

(I'd already cut out all fat down to the gram) to get to an arbitrary surgery number except dun dun: hunger triggers bile.

The diy nonsense and prep you get up to when the pain is that intense, the moment when my body reacted post op with the biggest attack yet, crazy chaotic stupid stuff like at the hospital, i got unplugged from my IV and spurted blood everywhere...

All tiny compared to what was to come. During the post op attack, they gave me a painkiller that lasted 5 hours and locked me in my body unable to move or speak. It was relief and was nice and fine until

1/ I discovered my mother had terrible sleep apnea where she'd stop breathing for what felt like forever

2/ a power cut reset my heart monitor machine to a solid beep for 30 seconds and mum thought I had coded.

In those 5 hours and singular moments, 18 months of random blinding pain that makes you moan, rock uncontrollably and sweat enough to fill towels, elaborate precision scalding under the ribs with burns you treat later, the anti nausea/vagal nerve/fainting remedies, the post op pain: It was all trivial.

She went home next day because she was wiped. But they hadn't kept up my meds and I went into combo ssri and benzo withdrawal. I had a psychotic episode, made a very angry phone call to a very confused and distressed mum, called a taxi and had the guy sneak me out of hospital convinced my loved ones had abandoned me and wouldn't allow me home. So that there was my third withdrawal psychotic break and let's just say there's a very clear pattern, it's not entirely irrational and there's nothing I fear except THAT when it kicks in. Not too painful a memory as I've apologised profusely and know it was fake and know my deep faultline. Just a cherry on top of the mess sundae. Funny isn't it?

Mum's on a CPAP now and it's wonderful. I couldn't do a thing while that machine beeped and that moment was more potently awful than all of it.

—-------–-----

When I was 16 a doctor did botched local anesthesia surgery on my toe to remove my toenail and scrape the bone, the anaesthetic syringe didn't work. I was alone and the doctor thought I was just afraid of pain and hysterical (ask me about the surgeries and disinfections i'd done on myself someday lmao) I passed out multiple times. The syringe needle shifted right into a nerve and i spasmed and begged out. But the whole afternoon was fuzzy, I had dissociated on my way home from school after a rape threat and attempting groping by the local drunkard about an hour before my appointment so the whole very bloody gory and extremely painful moments are fractured like a broken mirror or a badly downloaded movie. It took me about a week to properly piece together the sequence of events and explain why I'd left the doctors and walked home with a shoe full of blood. I don't know if it would have been worse to be fully present.

—————

I had a series of daily treatments with the generic version of an intravenous antibiotic with a crap formula that crystalizes and burns. The brand name was too expensive for me to switch. It was very high pain both in the moment and the next hour. I have lumps of scar tissue that get in the way of my daily injections, large lumps of chemically burned lower hip/upper glute muscle. Those injections gave me back the ability to walk more than 10 yards, more spoons, less exhaustion agony so I kept submitting to it for as long as treatment was available. I resent that big pharma doesn't care if the generic has bad side effects. I only curse the scars when the needle jams and it hurts. I'd do it again.

–––––––

Pain is a constant but it's so varied. Bowel spasms, migraines, shooting pains, dull aches, burning sensations, muscle cramps, pain that itches your teeth, skin like a sausage ready to pop, the fibro zappy zaps. How do you choose a worst one without taking other things into account? Which part of the orchestra is giving you a headache?

=======

I have some really funny gory stories about the ingrowing toenails though. Oh and sis removed a large sebaceous cyst from my back with a disinfected exacto knife - we were sober but high on sleep deprivation.

I got pink eye last week and thought I'd put alcohol into some sterile water, i'd just got drips down the side and got 70% rubbing alcohol in my eye, sis nearly cried laughing when I said I'm fine with a high pitched wobble. It worked though.

I cracked my shoulder bone when I stood up to a bully age 10 and he pushed me so hard I hit the ground with no way to brace. Had to wear an elastic potato sack for 3 months and learn to write with my left hand. But I'm very proud of that one.

Others I'm too sore to talk about at least tonight. Toxic friendships, institutional neglect. Stuff I tried to ignore or didn't care to care for myself.

Eh. What matters is now and now I'm doing slow rehab and off to get some sleep.

#saf #Ramblings #Pain stories

[kaitandnatetravels]

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to visit our page.

I’m Kait, one half of the two, and I’d like to start off by telling a little bit of my story. I am a 27 year old cancer survivor from New Orleans, Louisiana. I’ve had 14 surgeries - to remove tumors, part of my colon, my gallbladder & lower intestines just to name a few - in the last 8 years after being diagnosed with Neuroendocrine Cancer at just 18 years old. My last surgery was a hysterectomy at only 26 years old in November of 2023, and I’m just getting back on my feet.

Throughout my treatments I worked with children, primarily those that are neurodivergent. My passion is helping people, and working with children who have Autism was my goal ever since I was put into the hospital for the very first time back in 2015. Sadly in January of 2024 I was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, an autoimmune disorder that causes my immune system to attack healthy cells. Due to this diagnosis I can no longer work with children as I am at an increased risk to get them or myself sick. This was a hard blow to accept as it brought me so much happiness in the midst of the chaos. Luckily in that same chaos I found Nate. I shared with him my goal of traveling since I was hospitalized and recovering for so many years (almost a decade!) that I have not gotten to see much of the world outside of my home and the hospital.

Nate and I signed up for Instacart and created an online shop, and we use these to make income safely while we try to visit new places. Our main goal is to eventually save up enough money to buy a van and travel the country, but for now we take our trusty Kia Soul and see the places that we can (and sleep in the back - which is very funny when you realize that Nate is 6’7). We’re huge New Orleans Pelicans fans, and our first roadtrip was to Houston to see the Pelicans play the Rockets. We hope for the opportunity to keep seeing new places (and maybe games) as we go.

We’re thankful for every person that gives us an order, or cares to hear more about how we got here. There isn’t a day that goes by that I forget how blessed I am just to be here, and how blessed I am to be able to see new places and explore the world now that I am able. There are still hard days when I wake up and I can’t do much - but I am still here, and still getting to explore, learn and grow.

If you came here from Instacart or Mercari, or from meeting us in person, just know that we’re grateful. I hope you stick around to follow our travels, and even if you don’t, just know that we are thankful either way.

If you’d like to help us along the way I’ll link venmo, cashapp and paypal with this post. Most importantly though, I know that everyone has their own struggles, and I’d just like to say thank you for taking the time to read about our story. I hope you have a wonderful day.

All our love,

Nate & Kait 🤍

Venmo: kaitcscorp

Cashapp: kaitcscorp

PayPal: kaitcb

#NET Cancer Awareness #Neuroendocrine Cancer #survivor #love #travel #timetoseetheworld #paypal #cashapp #venmo #instacart #vanlife #eventually #morelikebackseatlife

[oneshortdamnfuse]

My concert journeys are kind of wild, because I’m rarely in good health when I’ve gone to concerts lmao.

tw - some medical discussion

I went to see Fall Out Boy two and a half months after I was in a terrible car accident. I drove the entire two hours away to go see them with my friend. A tourist bus almost ran me off the road on the thruway, too. I was freshly out of physical therapy and my surgical staples had just been removed a couple weeks before. That concert was definitely a challenge, but I’m glad I was able to go. Also they had played Champion with a video about Princess Diana and news about her death as the backdrop? Which was a car accident if y’all didn’t know??? My friend and I were crying a lot, especially because I had listened to that song on repeat during my recovery. It was a lot?!?

I went to see Rob Thomas after I had suffered with gallstones and overall gallbladder failure. Hey, did you know cholecystitis can be as painful as childbirth? Haha, the doctors at the E.R. thought I was just having a panic attack even though it felt like my chest was being crushed. Anyways, almost a year later I was properly diagnosed. My gallbladder was taken out weeks before the concert. Again, I was the only one driving my friend and I to the concert venue but thankfully it was close to home. One of my glued up sutures from the surgery came undone. I had to cover it up with a bandage and pray that it just closed on its own. It wasn’t a complete dehiscence, but I was paranoid it would split open further and I spent the entire night gripping my side.

The first time I saw Ghost (and Nothing More), my friend didn’t want to go with me because she didn’t really know the band yet. I had gotten sick that September with a cold, and the concert was in October. I developed severe bronchitis like I always do. The concert was in the middle of the damn week, so I not only had work the next day but I was working on my Master’s degree then. The concert was indoors but it was raining that night and we were all lined up outside down a few blocks for bag check. I barely had a voice, but I sang along to both Nothing More and Ghost throughout the night and I could barely talk after. I teach for a living so that was hard lol

And now… I recently saw Ghost and Amon Amarth after being sick for weeks. My infection had gone but I had bronchitis (again, haha!) Not only that, but I was the driver for my friend and I again. And because everything happens to me all the time, months ago my car was in another accident when a guy hit me on the highway so I had waited months to get it fixed before the concert. I got it fixed just in time, and then I popped my tire a couple days before the damn concert. I got it fixed in time, but it rained the entire time at the concert which was outdoors. I lost my voice again, and I’ve since been suffering with my inflamed lungs.

Anyways, I AM CURSED to be sick and/or injured and/or my car gets fucked up anytime I have a concert to go to. This doesn’t happen to me when I go to free concerts. No. Only the concerts I spend money on that I’ve been waiting a long time to see. Don’t regret going to any of these concerts, though!

[jupiter-flytrap]

I'm coming to the realisation that every time in the past 15 years of my life I've said I had a heartburn I was actually having an anxiety attack because antacids have never worked and they pulled my gallbladder out for that shit and I'm now realising I don't know what medical terms like tightness in the chest actually feel like and I feel like I've got a heartburn rn and I haven't had anything that'd trigger it but I have a drs appointment that I'm anxious about so it's making me. Think.

#personal

[moronic-validity]

is there an estimated time for the release of the next chapter of dwcu? no rush at all just wondering!! :)

Hey homie that is a super good and valid question that I don't have a solid answer for right now!

So surface level? I've got 2 chapters locked and loaded to post.

A little deeper than that, the chapter that is actually next in the series still needs to be edited and I'm going to be editing and polishing the last chapter I posted too. My quality kinda slipped bc I was so anxious about not staying on top of the releases.

And as deep as we're gonna go: it's finals season right now and while I'm not in college, my husband is so we're also working through that, the holiday season, and at present, what looks like another possible gallbladder attack (fuck me, am I right?)

TL;DR: I'm optimistic that I'll have the next chapter up on Friday!

And my plan is to start posting chapters on Fridays to help me get ahead and stay ahead so there aren't these 10-20 day gaps and I'll still feel like the quality is where it should be.

#teddy talks #theo's thoughts #winterkov #dwu