#so I decided to go back and reread a lot of the stuff I enjoyed as a kid/teen

[shadowynn]

| the paradigm complex | four |

pairing: ot8 ateez x fem! reader

genre: yandere!vampire!cult!poly! ateez au

warnings: yandere behavior, cursing, mentions of violence, manipulation, toxic relationships

They'll do whatever you ask. Anything you need. Anything you want. It's yours. They'll fulfill your every desire and whim. Give you the life you had always dreamed about.

And in exchange, you wouldn't just give them your soul. Oh, no. They weren't demons. What good was your soul alone when your purpose was better served alive and well? Your soul was nice, sure but it wasn't all they wanted. It wasn't all they needed. They needed your body, your mind. Your blood. You entirely. Every single fiber of your being was essential and would soon be theirs and theirs alone.

The moment you signed that contract, everything would change. For them and for you.

You just didn't know it yet.

And there was nothing you could do about it.

wordcount: 7.8k

a/n: i had lots of motivation to write this next part, so it's coming your way a bit sooner than normal. i actually meant to have it done earlier, but life got a little crazy. i hope you all enjoy and thank you so much for all your support!

| three | four | five |

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Even before you opened your eyes, you knew something wasn’t quite right; the bed and sheets were different from the one you were used to. They were stiff around you, not quite broken in, leading you to slowly become aware of the growing ache in your neck. But despite the subtle awareness something wasn’t quite right in the back of your mind, you did little more than switch to your other side and bury yourself deeper beneath the covers, hoping for just a bit more sleep before your alarm went off. 

Your movement shifted your face towards the windows, however, and left you pulling the comforter over your head to block out the bright light. You groaned, wondering why the hell it was so bright in your room before realization finally dawned on you.

“Shit!” you cursed, yanking the blankets off and scrambling around for your phone. The fact you were currently inside the bed of your new apartment only briefly registered in your mind when the nightstand you instinctively reached for was nonexistent, much more concerned over the fact you were late for work.

Another round of curses rolled past your lips when you finally managed to find your phone tangled in the sheets next to you and saw that it was nearly two hours past the time your shift was supposed to start. You scrambled to unlock your phone, ready to type out an apology to your manager and let her know you would be there as soon as you could when you noticed the previous conversation above. Your brow scrunched as you read and reread the messages between the two of you, trying to not only make sense of her words, but your own as well. The conversation had taken place the night before, and yet, you had no memory of her texting you and letting you know you had been taken off the schedule, let alone that you had openly acknowledged this fact.

You looked up from your phone, briefly taking in your new apartment around you and wondering how and why you ended up here. You remembered coming over to unpack, including Mingi and Jongho coming over to help you, and then of the invitation of going over to Wooyoung’s for dinner, but things grew hazy afterwards. You had gone with full intentions of leaving early to head back to your boyfriend’s apartment, but that clearly hadn’t happened. 

Why?

Why hadn’t you gone back? Was it because you had discovered you were being taken off your work schedule? Had you decided to just stay the night here and go back to grab the rest of your stuff later, when the sun was back out? But if so, why couldn’t you remember? If you focused hard enough, you thought you could pull fragments of a phone conversation with Felix, but anything more only made your head begin to throb.

“Oh, god,” you groaned, head collapsing down into your hands. It had happened again; another lapse in your memory.

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to you; having experienced similar bouts of amnesia in the past few years. At least, you were pretty sure this wasn’t the first time it had happened. You were pretty sure you had experienced occurrences similar to this one before, but the longer you thought about it, the less certain you were. Any time you had questioned Jae about it, he had always brushed back your concern, saying you were just imagining things, but how could you imagine something that wasn’t there?

You had no time to ponder this last question, pulled away when there was a knock on your door downstairs. The sound had you jumping, wondering who was at your door and what it was they could possibly want from you. You hadn’t been expecting company, at least you didn’t think you were, but who knew at this point. You could have very well made plans the night before with someone and forgotten all about them.

When the knock repeated itself a few moments later, you realized that you couldn’t just continue to sit in bed. You needed to go answer the door, but in your haste to do just that, you knocked over a glass of water that had been set beside your bed. You cursed as the water spilled, setting the glass back upright and taking a quick note of the bottle of Tylenol beside it. A bottle that was most certainly not yours. 

You had no time to ponder this new revelation or to clean up the water you had just spilled, and left both items as they were as you continued to scramble your way down the stairs and towards your front door.

It wasn’t until you swung the door open and saw Hongjoong standing on the other side perfectly immaculate that you gave any sort of thought about your own appearance. His hair had been styled to appear effortless, but you were familiar enough with the process to know it must have taken him a while based on your past experiences with Felix, and though his clothes also appeared casual at first glance, you knew they were probably worth more than you made in a month. It was a stark contrast to the sweats you still wore from the day before and the bedraggled state you were in from just waking up.

“Good morning!” Hongjoong’s smile faded as you opened the door, taking in your dazed state. “I’m sorry, I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“Oh, no.” You shook your head, subconsciously attempting to straighten your hair up as you shifted your stance in the doorway. What was he doing here? “I was already awake.”

“Oh, good.” His smile returned. “I didn’t think you had any food at your place since it was all a little last minute, so I brought you some coffee and muffins.” He motioned to the items in his hand, making your eyes widen.

“Thank you.” You struggled to come up with a proper response, taken back by his act of kindness. Why would he do something like this for you and why did it create a wave of warmth flooding through you, especially with the smile he was giving you right now. “Um, would you like to come in?” 

Hongjoong nodded, returning his gratitude as he walked past you into your apartment. You closed the door behind him, doing your best to calm your racing heart as he approached the small kitchen to your right. You weren’t upset by his appearance, not really, but the timing had been impeccable, catching you completely off guard as you had tried to piece the night before back together.

“How’s your head doing?” He extended one of the cups of coffee towards you, but you hardly noticed, much more focused on the question he had just asked.

“My head?” Your head tilted, once again trying your hardest to recapture the memories you had forgotten, but coming up short once more. Had you hit it last night? Was that why your mind was so hazy and why you had stayed here instead of going back like originally planned?

It was hard to hide your panic in that moment, suddenly very conscious of the fact you had little memory of your time with him and the others last night. You trusted yourself enough to know you couldn’t have done anything especially crazy, but what if your actions had been purely accidental? What if you had hit your head? God, that was an accident you would have a hard time living down. 

“Ah, I see. You don’t remember anything, do you?” It was hard to read his expression, but his smile felt teasing, leaving you more worried than you had been before. Oh, god, what had you done? “Well, if your head’s not bothering you, then I would take that as a good sign. I was worried the hangover would hit you hard this morning. Which is partially why I made the excuse to bring you breakfast. I wanted to make sure you were okay after last night.”

You barely heard his last confession, brain locking on to his reference before. Hangover? 

What did he mean by that? You hadn’t drank anything last night, fully acknowledging the fact you still had a long drive back to your boyfriend’s apartment. And even if you didn’t plan on making the drive back anymore, you were certain you wouldn’t have drank much, if at all, not wanting to risk making a fool of yourself later on. His words didn’t make any sense, and yet, it had to be true, didn’t it? How else would you explain the black spots in your memory? You must have gotten drunk.

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry.” You could feel your face heating up, more embarrassed than you had ever been before. Not just from the action itself, but from the sudden fear of what you might have done in your drunken haze. “I can’t believe I did that.” Your arms wrapped around your chest, unable to quite look Hongjoong in the eyes anymore. What the hell had you been thinking last night? What had gotten into you to think that had been a good idea?

“No, no, it’s okay.” Hongjoong set the coffee back down on the counter and reached for your shoulder, shifting your eyes back towards him. “If anything, we’re probably the ones to really blame.” His expression was almost sheepish when you met his gaze once more, as though the situation embarrassed him just as much as you. “We might have encouraged you to drink a bit too much in the first place, but you were so excited at the prospect of breaking up with your boyfriend, that we thought it was a proper cause for celebration.”

“Oh.” Your lips twisted, mulling over the new set of information he had given you. What all had you said? How much information about your life had you given them? And god, what exactly had you done once you had started drinking?

You hadn’t… done anything with one of them, had you? 

No. You shook your head, though it did little to stop another blush from blooming across your cheeks once more. You may have lost quite a bit of your self-control when you were drunk, but you wouldn’t have done something like that, and you couldn’t imagine any of them willing to partake either. They had been so kind to you so far, more than respectful of you and your boundaries. You wouldn’t have. And they wouldn’t have. You were certain…

…But still? What if?

“Hongjoong, I didn’t do anything… crazy last night, did I?” It hurt to ask, and yet, you needed to know. You couldn’t very well face any of them with the what ifs stuck in your head.

Luckily, he shook his head. “No. Once we realized you had probably had a drink too many, I brought you back here to sleep it off. You pretty much crashed as soon as your head hit the pillow.”

“Thank you.” His words served as a reminder to the medicine and water set beside your bed, finally discovering the origin to both. “And I’m really sorry about last night. It might be hard to believe, but that’s really not like me at all.” You shook your head, trying once again to piece the night together. “I don’t know what got into me.” You just wished you could remember something about last night. Anything.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ve all had our fair share of drunken nights in the past, so no one’s judging you for it.” He gave your shoulder a comforting squeeze, guiding you over to the kitchen island where the food sat. “But I’m guessing that means you don’t remember we had made plans to go back to your apartment together, do you?”

You graciously took the coffee he handed you this time around. Usually, you preferred tea over coffee, but you would never pass on a cup, especially seeing as Hongjoong had gone out of his way for you. And after the night you had just had, perhaps the coffee would do something to jumpstart your brain again, allowing you access to the memories that were no longer there.

“I’m so sorry, but you would be correct about that.” You paused, taking a sip of your coffee and wishing you could have made a much better first impression with them all. “To be completely honest, the only thing I really remember about last night is getting my ass kicked in Smash Bros.”

The comment earned a chuckle from Hongjoong, easing a bit of the tension in your shoulders. Despite your embarrassment, he didn’t seem to be judging you too harshly for it. “Well, if you’re still interested, I had offered to tag along with you back to your old apartment and help you grab the rest of your stuff.” He opened up the box he had brought, proffering it towards you and prompting you to take one of the muffins inside.

You grabbed one at random, voicing your gratitude as you were once again struck by how kind he had been. Not only had he ensured you made it back to your room unscathed last night, leaving you water and pills to help with the possibility of a hangover, but he had also thought to check up on you and grab you food knowing you had none. “And if you don’t mind tagging along, I would appreciate the help, but you don’t have to. I’m sure I can manage just fine on my own if I need to.”

“I don’t mind, really. After all, it’s the perfect excuse to get to know you better.” His words pulled you in, stopping you in your tracks. You had a hard time interpreting the statement, the smile that swiftly followed causing a strange pit to form in your stomach.

You fiddled with the muffin in your hand, not quite finding it so appealing anymore, as you struggled to come up with a response. “I hate to disappoint, but I’m afraid I’m not all that terribly interesting.”

Hongjoong leaned forward against the counter, propping his forearms up against it as he assessed you from the other side. “I find that very hard to believe.”

Something about his expression resonated within you, and you were struck with a sudden flurry of memories rushing through your mind of the night before. Or, at least, you had thought they were some of your missing ones; the innocent interactions you had with him and the others at the kitchen counter quickly fading to something else altogether. Your fingers fluttered to your lips before you could stop them, wondering why the hell you were suddenly picturing his lips encasing your own, let alone them traveling further downward, flitting over your racing pulse.

“Is something wrong?”

Hongjoong’s question brought you back to reality and you quickly dropped your hand. “No, I’m good.” You shook your head, doing your best to keep the blush the earlier thoughts brought and wondering just what had brought them on. He was attractive, there was no doubt about that, but you had never imagined something like this with anyone before, let alone something that vivid. “Just a bit out of still, I suppose.”

You observed him for a few seconds out of the corner of your eye, trying to figure him out. Hongjoong had been nothing but sweet and kind to you since you had met him, just like all the others, but that didn’t mean you knew him either. He had claimed nothing had happened the night before, and all the signs certainly pointed in that direction, but what if he was lying? What if something had happened? After all, you hadn’t been the only one drinking last night and he wanted to save both of you from the embarrassment.

But you smothered this thought as quickly as it came. There was no way that was true; you just couldn’t believe him or any of the others might have taken advantage of you in that way. The better solution was that you had simply dreamed it; your drunken state bringing your attraction to the man into full focus and into your dreams.

You excused yourself soon after, heading back upstairs to the bathroom to get ready once you realized your appetite had long left you. And one look in the mirror was all it took to further solidify your previous sentiments. Even if you were currently disheveled from sleeping at the moment, there was no way someone like Hongjoong would have shown enough interest in you to ever kiss you like that. He was in a completely different league than you, one you could never hope to achieve. Why would someone like him want you? Why would anyone want you? You weren’t pretty enough. You weren’t confident enough, and you sure as hell weren’t rich enough. And then, you couldn’t forget the utter fool of yourself you had made when you had gotten drunk off your ass last night. You were nothing short of a walking disaster. You knew it. They knew it. And if for some reason they hadn’t figured it out yet, they would. Jae certainly had. 

You craved to take a shower and change your clothes, the anxiety of your current appearance creeping up on you, but you didn’t have the proper supplies to do either at the moment. Instead, you settled for simply rinsing your face off with some cold water and pulling your hair up and out of your face for the time being. You straightened out your clothes as best you could, hating that all you could do was wait until you got to your destination to change into something clean.

“I guess I’m ready whenever you are.”

Hongjoong was still in the kitchen when you made your way back down, taking a short detour to clean up the water you had spilled and grab the pill bottle that was his and return it. He was still leaning over the counter as you approached, munching on one of the muffins with his phone in hand. Upon hearing you speak, he leaned back up, giving you another one of his breathtaking smiles, though this time it did little more than deepen the growing pit in your chest. Why the hell was he so nice to you? All it did was serve to make you feel worse than you already did.

“Alright then,” he pocketed his phone, oblivious to the effect his actions had on you, “lead the way.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Hongjoong had never wished he could read someone’s mind more than he did now; your silent figure in the passenger seat making him yearn for just a small peak inside that pretty, little head of yours. Sadly, only the demons had that ability, and all he could do was attempt to coax them out of you, but that was a precarious and unreliable process. Without the proper concentration, you could very well just end up telling him what he wanted to hear and not whatever thoughts held you captive at the moment.

When you shifted in your seat next to him, his eyes once again trailed to the curving slope of your neck in the rearview mirror, now on full display with your hair being tied up. The majority of your scent was still covered up by the vampire who had previously taken possession of you, but it had grown stronger since last night, having now been a few days since you had last consumed his blood. It was this singular fact that had saved you the night before. If your scent had been any more prevalent, he knew he wouldn’t have been able to restrain himself, allowing himself to give in to his desires and sink his fangs into your fragile skin to take his fill.

It had been a combined effort of them all to erase your memories. Your cursed lineage might have made your mind weak to his kind’s manipulation, but without their blood flowing through you at the moment, they were limited on exactly what all they could do with you. Though your boyfriend was far weaker than them, really nothing more than a child, his blood did hold some sway over your mind, helping to keep you close to him and protect you from others’ who wished to manipulate you. And though it had been easy enough to cover their track and lead you to accept his tale of the events with little push, he knew something about it hadn’t sat quite right with you. He had seen the way you had looked at him when you thought he wasn’t looking, clearly taking note of the way your fingers had fluttered to your lips earlier. Something had leaked through their fog, but it didn’t concern him. The way your cheeks had continually tinted pink told him everything he needed to know. 

He still wondered how the hell they had gotten this lucky. There weren’t many of your kind around anymore; your ancestors long learning how to protect and hide themselves from his kind, so to not only have you walk straight into their lives yourself, but to do so unbound was completely unheard of. No vampire in their right mind would ever let you walk around so freely, especially in another clan’s territory. He had been certain it was a trick when Yeosang had first made mention of it, certain you were there on behalf of your master, but one little taste of your blood was all it had taken for Yeosang to see otherwise. You might have been currently tied to someone else, but you weren’t bound to anyone, not by the standards of vampiric law, meaning you were more than fair game for anyone to take. 

“It’s the one up there on the left.”  

“Got it.” 

Hongjoong’s eyes flicked back to the road when you spoke, taking note of the building you had just mentioned and maneuvering his way over. He had thought he could be patient with you, but the longer he was around you, the less patient he became. Your scent was growing stronger, sweeter than anything he had ever smelled before, and he was beginning to become well aware of the fact the following days of waiting for the other’s blood to leave your system wouldn’t just be tortuous for you.

“It shouldn’t take that long.” You straightened up in your seat, fingers fiddling with the ends of your sleeves and serving as a telltale sign of the nerves flowing through you. Whether this was caused by his presence or the fact you were leaving the relationship you had been tied to for years, it was hard for him to tell. “It’s mostly just clothing and books I’m wanting to grab, but there’s a few other belongings I’d rather not lose too.”

“Don’t worry about the time,” he replied. “I have nothing else to do today, so I’m in no hurry.” And he wasn’t, wanting to fully savor the time he had with you alone and in no hurry to be back at The Paradigm where his brothers would be vying with each other for your full attention. If anything, he would do everything in his power to prolong your time out together, taking full advantage of having you all to himself.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, curiosity finally getting the better of him once he parked the car and the two of you were on your way upstairs. He could hear your heartbeat racing beside him, increasing the strength of your scent momentarily as your nerves got the better of you.

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay.” You nodded, but your hands fumbled with the keys you held, causing them to drop on the floor in front of you.

Hongjoong understood why your nerves had suddenly spiked. According to Mingi, this wasn’t the first time you had attempted to leave and you feared this time would end up just like all the others. And if you hadn’t happened to have stumbled upon them, it would have. If you had left for anywhere else, you would have just been tracked down and dragged right back to where you had started. But as terrifying as that aspect might have been for you, it was far better than the fate that would have awaited you if he or another vampire wouldn’t have found you in time.

But you didn’t have to worry. Neither of those outcomes would be happening this time around. Hongjoong knew this other vampire would try to get you back once he realized what had happened, but his efforts would be futile. Nothing he said or did would get you back, and would only serve to seal his own fate. He had his own fair share of crimes to pay for in due time, after all, the fact he had been turned illegally was the least of his problems. But, they would deal with that all in due time; they still had use of him yet. 

And as much as he hated the vampire who had originally had you - if he had understood how lucky he truly was to have you, he would have never treated you the way he had - Hongjoong had to give him some credit; his former treatment of you making it all the easier for them to draw you in. It had left you with a deep craving for something more, desperate to be loved. Desperate to be wanted. You yearned for a deeper sort of intimacy, wanting to be seen. Wanting to be held. You were broken and desperate for someone to come pick up the pieces, and who was he to deny you such a request? He would do anything you wanted, anything you desired. He would give you the life and love you yearned for, and all he asked in return was you entirely. 

And that wasn’t really asking much, now was it?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“y/n!”

It had only taken a few seconds for Felix to notice your appearance, calling out your name and waving you over shortly after you had entered the small store with Hongjoong in tow. You had told the man there was no need for him to come in, that you would only need a few seconds to drop some things off, but he had shrugged your concerns away, simply stating he didn’t mind accompanying you.

You quickly matched the bright smile the blond gave you, taking clear note of the way Felix’s eyes had roamed over towards Hongjoong before slowly returning back to you. His left brow raised, quietly questioning you as to whose company it was you currently kept, all the while doing nothing to hide the sly smirk when his eyes roamed over once more.

You quickly excused yourself from Hongjoong, hoping for a few minutes of peace with Felix to straighten things out before he had a chance to embarass you. Of all the years you had known the man, he had never been known for his subtlety and this was exactly why you had wished Hongjoong would have just waited in the car.

“Who the hell is that?” He wasted no time as you came around the counter, excusing himself from the front to come take with you.

“That is Kim Hongjoong,” your voice was low, pausing for a second to make sure the person of interest hadn’t followed you over before finishing your statement, “the current owner of The Paradigm.”

“Holy shit, n/n!” Felix’s eyes widened. “You weren’t lying; the guy is a fucking god.”

“Felix!” You scolded, hands raising up towards his mouth and muffling the loud reaction he had to your revelation as best you could. You followed Felix’s gaze back to where Hongjoong stood browsing a nearby section of the store, hoping he hadn’t and wouldn’t hear the conversation that was sure to come. He didn’t appear to have noticed, but it was hard to tell if that was a smile crossing his face or not from the angle you were at.

Whatever Felix said next, you weren’t sure. words muffled by your hands still covering his mouth. You gave him a pointed look, but removed your hands allowing him to speak freely once more.

“And just what is he doing here with you, hmm?” Felix’s brows lifted, leaning back against the counter.

“He’s just here to help me out.” You crossed your arms, fighting the blush Felix’s smug expression brought. “I needed some help getting the rest of my stuff from Jae’s, so he offered to lend a hand.” Perhaps not the exact truth. He had been the one to offer without any prompt from you and had then taken you out for lunch afterwards on top of bringing you breakfast that morning, but Felix didn’t need to know any of that. Not when it was clear Hongjoong was just helping you. “He’s just being friendly, Lix. That’s all.” Because why would it be anything more than that?

“Friendly, my ass,” Felix snorted, merely amused by your explanation. “No man would go out of his way to help a girl out this much and just want to be friends, n/n. I would know.”

“Well, you would be wrong this time around. After all, he’s not the only one who’s helped me these past few days.” Though his words did cause your cheeks to tint, you didn’t put much merit into them. Despite what Felix thought, Hongjoong was just being nice. “Mingi and Jongho helped me unpack quite a bit yesterday and then Wooyoung invited me to dinner with them all. They’re just trying to make sure I feel welcomed into their community.”

Felix hummed, unconvinced. “Oh, you young, naive fool.”

“Felix, he’s my boss!” Your eyes narrowed. 

“So, you’re telling me if that man cornered you and professed his undying love, you’d just what? Politely decline?” 

“Yes!”

But the slight hesitation in your reply and the way your face fully flamed at the thought was all Felix needed to know your answer wasn’t completely honest. In reality, you knew you didn’t want to mess with another relationship at the moment, desperate for some time to heal on your own and not wanting to hurt anyone with a rebound, but you didn’t know what you would do if a scenario similar to the one Felix had just mentioned were to happen. Especially when your mind traveled back to the thought of his lips tracing down your neck…

“And let’s also not forget that I literally just broke up with Jae. I don’t want to date anyone right now.” And you didn’t, right? Right?

“So, you finally did it?” Felix’s expression lightened at the mention of your ex-boyfriend, giving you a much needed distraction from the person you had come in with.

You nodded. “I left the letter on the fridge.”

It should have been simple to write, but it had taken you forever to complete. No matter which way you phrased it, it felt wrong, leading you to scribbling things out and starting anew just about twenty times. The first had felt too harsh, but the second one not quite harsh enough, almost encouraging him that a second chance might still be on the table. Nothing you wrote seemed to work, and if it wasn’t for Hongjoong coming to your rescue at the end, you didn’t doubt you would have never been able to write something that had satisfied you and would still be scribbling away.

“And you blocked him?” 

“Oh, no.” Your lips twisted, not quite thinking that far ahead into things. God only knew what he would try to do once he found the letter you had left him tomorrow. “I guess I should, shouldn’t I?”

You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, ignoring the message from Yeosang for now asking if anyone wanted to hang out later tonight and clicking on the conversation with your former boyfriend. Your eyes briefly scanned over the previous messages, feeling a tiny stab of panic. Were you really about to do this? Writing the letter had been one thing, but blocking his number felt much more permanent, officially cutting him out of your life completely.

Was that something you wanted?

It was strange. This was a day you had been looking forward to for so long, and yet, now that you were here, you didn’t know what it was that you wanted. You didn’t want to stay. You knew that, but he had been all you had known for so long. What if he was right? What if you did need him? You had never been on your own before, so what if you weren’t capable of it? What would happen when your life fell apart on you and you were left with no other choice but to go crawling back and praying he would take you?

Perhaps cutting him off from your life wasn’t the best choice. Perhaps all you needed was a short break from each other, some time to think things over before finalizing them. Then maybe the two of you could talk things out…

Seeing your hesitation, Felix plucked the phone from you hands, using your distracted state to his advantage.

“He, give that back!” You reached for your phone, but he held it above him, just out of your reach. “Damn you and your stupid long legs,” you cursed, but you didn’t really mean it, not when you knew he was only doing what you weren’t quite able to do yourself, just like Hongjoong before.

“There, all done.” He was about to hand your phone back to you when it buzzed from an incoming message. “Ooo, who’s Mingi and why is he texting you?” Felix’s brows wriggled before opening it up to read. “Hey, just checking in on you to see how you’re doing. Did you and Hongjoong-”

“Give it back!” 

Your face tinted as Felix read the message out loud, once again reaching for the phone in his hands. Thankfully, you got him unprepared this time around and were able to snag it back before he found any of the other messages you had on your phone from the rest of them. You didn’t know what you would do if he had found the group message you were in with them. None of it was anything but friendly, but he would find a way to make it seem more than it was. 

“I’m so glad to see you’re feeling better,” you mumbled, locking your phone back up and putting it back in your pocket for the time being; you could text Mingi back later.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Felix’s smile turned sheepish as he scratched at the back of his head. “I think it was one of those twenty-four hour stomach bugs or something. It came on fast, but besides some exhaustion this morning, I felt fine.” He shrugged, covering up a yawn with one of his hands. “But, I should be free after work in an hour if you want some help unpacking.”

“Really, that would be great!” 

You brightened up at his offer, fully knowing having Felix with you tonight would help calm your nerves. While his teasing helped to distract you from the issue at hand, your mind never fully strayed from it. What would Jae think when he got home tomorrow and found the letter? Would he try anything? And if so, what?

Felix straightened up before you had a chance to go over any of the details for the night, and when you noticed his eyes straying to your right, you turned to find Hongjoong approaching. 

You did your best to match the smile Hongjoong gave you, but you weren’t quite able to completely suppress the blush his figure brought from your earlier conversation with Felix. “Hongjoong, this is my friend, Felix.” You were quick to introduce the two when he got close, hoping once again that he had been too far away to hear anything Felix had said about him. “Felix, this is Hongjoong.”

“Nice to meet you,” Felix was the first to speak, a smug grin on his face as he extended his hand towards Hongjoong. “n/n here has talked quite a bit about you.”

You blanched, inwardly cursing the boy out in your head. You should have known better than to trust Felix around any of them, especially once it had been made known you found Hongjoong and the others' each physically attractive.

Hongjoong’s smile relaxed at Felix’s words, earning a soft chuckle that only served to increase your nerves and leave you yearning to disappear. “Likewise.”

“I’m sorry if I kept you waiting.” Afraid for where the conversation might go if you let them, you quickly rummaged around in your bag for the few items you were there to drop off. “Felix and I just got to talking.” You gave your friend a pointed look, hoping he would listen to your silent plea and not do anything else to embarass you further.

“Right, we were actually just discussing what we were going to do to celebrate y/n’s breakup.” You should have known better than to trust Felix to back down, and you inwardly cursed the boy once more, absolutely terrified for the next words that would come out of his mouth. “We were thinking about maybe going clubbing since it’s been a while n/n’s been out dancing and I know how much you love to.” Felix’s expression was smug as he continued, ignoring how embarrassed the conversation made you. “If you and your other friends are free, you should come too. The more, the merrier, after all.”

You opened your mouth to intervene, wanting to tell Hongjoong he didn’t have to nor should he feel obligated to, but Hongjoong beat you to it, answering Felix’s invitation before you could open your mouth.

“I’d love to, and I’m sure the others would be down as well.” Hongjoong’s eyes brushed in your direction, the smile he gave deepening the blush that painted your cheeks. And for a split second there, you thought Felix might have been right. Perhaps Hongjoong did harbor some attraction towards you. “In fact, I’m close with the owners of Illusion downtown, so I wouldn’t have any issue getting us in if you wanted to go there.”

For a moment there, you had forgotten just who Hongjoong was and the status he must have held in the city, but one mention of Illusion, the most sought after club in the city, was all it took to remind you just who he was. The waitlist for it was months long, and the entry fee far higher than you could ever afford.

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t want to put you out of your way.” Even Felix seemed taken back by the mention, catching him off guard for a split second. 

“It’s no problem, really,” Hongjoong replied. “The owners actually owe me quite a few favors, so I pretty much have acess to it whenever I want, and if we’re going to celebrate y/n’s new status, then we might as well do it in style.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“Wait, he was the one to invite us?” San asked, straightening up from the couch once Hongjoong had mentioned their new plans with you on Friday night.

No one had complained when he had first told them, as the idea had been nothing less than perfect. What better way to show you off to the others than at Illusion? But then Hongjoong had let it slip that your friend would be joining them in the endeavor.

Hongjoong nodded. “I think we might have misjudged him. He certainly seemed very interested in our relationship with her.”

He remembered the way your friend had referred to him in the beginning, a reflection of the way you must have referenced them in the past. The way you had immediately freaked out and glanced in his direction terrified he might have overheard you all but clarification of it. Of course, your attempt at hushing your friend had failed. His senses were far superior than your own and he had caught every word that had come out of each of your mouths, even the ones you had whispered in return.

“And what exactly does that mean?” There was a venom in Yeosang’s voice, still clearly upset over the fact you had declined his invitation to come over in favor of the very man they were currently talking about. The very man who was still alone with you inside your apartment one floor down.

“It means he has far more interest in us than he does with her.”

You may have attempted subtly in your attraction to them, but your friend had not. Not only had Hongjoong been acutely aware of the way his eyes had traversed his figure more than once, but also of the way his pulse had quickened when he had finally approached; a telltale sign of the attraction he also felt towards him.

“Oh,” Yeosang chuckled, collapsing back down on his couch. It didn’t quite make up for the fact you had still chosen him over them for the night - something you would not be doing again - but it did help lighten the urge he had to go down the one floor to your room and toss him out, if he didn’t kill him first. “How does he smell?” He had gotten brief hints of the man’s scent since he had arrived hours earlier, but had been unable to exactly pinpoint it between the others that filled the building.

“Does it matter?” Seonghwa’s brow raised, swirling the glass in his hand. Haru’s blood had used to be his favorite, but he had gotten a strong whiff of your own earlier. He had gotten subtle hints of it the night before, but it was much stronger tonight; the former vampire’s scent slowly dissipated with time. It was enough to make his current drink now less than desirable, wishing he didn’t have to wait a few more days for your system to purify itself.

“I guess not.” Yeosang shrugged, mind trailing to a similar train as Seonghwa’s. Out of all of them, he struggled the most with your growing scent and fought the fangs that threatened to come out each time he caught it. “But it does make the experience all the more enjoyable if and when we find the need to get rid of him.”

“Perhaps, but our best use of him is alive at the moment,” Hongjoong replied, setting down his own drink. He had thought spending the day with you would be advantageous, and it was, but even he had been fighting the urge to take you right there in the bookstore. You had gotten so flustered in the end, your scent had become nearly overwhelming, even with the other vampire’s covering parts of it. “He’s made it quite clear that he’s attempting to set her up with one of us.” And the way his teasing had gotten you all riled up, told him you didn’t mind. Not really.

“Really?” Wooyoung’s head cocked. “That’s a new one.” Their very nature was designed to attract humans to them; everything from their physical appearance to the scent of their blood was created to lure in their prey with little effort. The man should have been fighting to get closer to them himself, not encouraging others.

“Does that mean we’re going to let him come?” Mingi looked up from his phone, frowning slightly as he took in the latest text message from you in a new light with the information Hongjoong had just provided. The smiley face you had included in your goodnight message now very possibly having been done by the boy hanging out with you and not yourself.

“I don’t see why not.” Yunho shifted beneath Mingi as he replied, the smile he sent down in his direction clearly stating he had come to the same conclusion as Mingi had over the text message he had boasted over a few moments ago. “I for one, would be more than happy to see just how flustered we can get her through him.”

“I don’t think Yunjin and Jiwoon would mind either,” Hongjoong added, mentioning the current owners of Illusion. “They’ve always had a fondness towards pretty things.”

“I don’t know,” San wasn’t entirely convinced. “I don’t really feel like having to share her attention any more than I already have to.” 

“Sannie, she’ll be so drugged up on our blood, I doubt she’ll even remember he’s there, let alone that he even exists,” Seonghwa replied, putting the younger vampire’s mind at ease. “And if he’s as pretty as Hongjoong says, then his attention will quickly be pulled elsewhere as well. Though,” his eyes flashed in Hongjoong’s direction, “I would make it well known another incident like the one before is completely out of question if he’s as useful as you say he is.”

“After what you did last time, I highly doubt they’ll make the same mistake again,” Hongjoong laughed, remembering the onslaught his oldest friend had gone on after discovering one of Yunjin’s members had accidentally killed Seonghwa’s favorite human at the time, only for him to return the favor tenfold. “He was their favorite, remember?”

“Are we settled then?” Jongho asked, face buried in the jacket you had left in Hongjoong’s car from earlier. Wooyoung was also curled up close by, head leaning against his shoulder as he breathed in what pieces of your scent he could gather from it. “Because it’s already late and we still have quite a bit more to discuss.”

The purpose of tonight’s meeting was supposed to discuss how exactly they were going to handle your transition over to them throughout the upcoming days as well as the vampire that was bound to come calling tomorrow night when he noticed the card Hongjoong had left without your knowledge, but one mention of the man currently with you was all it took to get them off track before the meeting had even begun.

For once, everyone was in agreement with the plan. San and Yeosang weren’t entirely happy with the idea, though the latter was just still upset by being rejected earlier, but there was little resistance from either when it came down to it. Yunho had brought up a great point, after all, and if that didn’t work, then they could just do as Hongjoong had suggested and use your friend to make you jealous instead. Nothing would leave you craving their attention more than the sudden loss of it. They knew that from experience. 

But in the end, it didn’t matter. One way or another, come Friday night, the transition would be complete and you would be completely theirs. And there was nothing you or your little friend could do about that.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

taglists will be in reblogs :)

#ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez x reader #vampire ateez #ot8 #ot8 x reader #hongjoong x reader #seonghwa x reader #yeosang x reader #san x reader #wooyoung x reader #jongho x reader #mingi x reader #yunho x reader #yandere ateez #yandere

[soulprompts]

"𝙎𝙃𝘼𝘿𝙊𝙒 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝘽𝙊𝙉𝙀" - 𝙄𝙉𝙎𝙋𝙄𝙍𝙀𝘿 𝙋𝙍𝙊𝙈𝙋𝙏𝙎.

hi friends!! basically, i watched the teaser trailer for season 2 of shadow and bone, got excited, began to reread the soc duology, and then these happened! or rather, i found an ancient unpublished fic i wrote after the first time i read the duology, and decided to make that a problem for everyone else! i hope you all enjoy these, you don’t need to have seen the show nor read the books, i actually think many of these are fairly fandomless! i just wanted to explain my inspiration! DON’T ADD TO THIS LIST! i’ll make more lists like this one! ily all, bon appetit, go forth and write or read or nap or watch tv or something!

" my goodness, you're not nearly as stupid as you look! "

" you have all the answers right in front of you. you just need to look at it differently. "

" don't presume that you know me just because you've heard a few rumors and read a few articles. "

" there's certainly more to you than meets the eye, isn't there? "

" i urge you to remember exactly who it is you're talking to. because while others might appreciate your tone, i assure you, i do not. "

" i'm concerned that you mightn't understand what discreet means. because the path of chaos you've just created is exactly the opposite of discreet. "

" you owe me a favour. i'm here to collect. "

" i thought it was a good time to pay you a visit. it's been so long, after all; and we have so much to catch up on. "

" you are not your father/mother/parent's child. not by anything other than blood, and that's not even on the spectrum of importance. "

" i was wrong about you. "

" you know, i was warned not to get involved with you. people insisted it was a fool's decision. but i held out hope that you'd prove them wrong. now's your chance. "

" i'm not the sort of person to fuss over hurt feelings. you're either of value to me, or you're worthless. so prove to me that you're not the latter. "

" you honestly think i don't know where you go each night? i'm not blind nor an idiot. i just trust your ability to return home unharmed. "

" have you told anyone else about this? "

" there are no children anymore. only survivors. childhood and innocence are luxuries afforded to the privileged. not us. "

" i offered you an opportunity once. to build a better world together. we both know how that turned out. and now, you come crawling back, begging for... what? mercy? forgiveness? "

" i'm with you. always. no matter what happens, i will be right by your side. do you understand? "

" we're a team, aren't we? teams stick together. even when the leader is being a prick. "

" ...i was really worried about you, you know. you scared me earlier. and i'm not saying it to make you feel bad, it's just... promise me you'll tell me if things get bad again? "

" i can't pretend to understand all this stuff you've got going on. but i do promise that i'll be here to help you through it all. alright? "

" there's a job that needs to be done before we get to work on the big task. that's why i'm here. you'll be helping me/us to complete both jobs. payment upon completion. "

" you and i aren't as different as you want to believe. that must be why you're so angry. because looking at me, all that i've done... it's like looking in a mirror. isn't it? "

" people are scared. they need a leader. and right now, like it or not, they're looking to you. so go on. lead us. "

" you've come up with some really insane plans over the years, but this is just defying any amount of belief. "

" look. i don't care if people underestimate me. i actually enjoy it. they see me as an idiot, they drop their guard, the end. but i need you to know that i'm not an idiot. okay? "

" people have died. we can't let that go unpunished. "

" the world is changing. and if we don't get ahead of it, then they'll be the ones to decide what it changes into. "

" right! what's the plan, then? and god help the lot of us if you don't have one. "

" not all of us can afford the luxury of a conscience. "

" don't make the deadly mistake of presuming my actions reflect weakness. too many have made that same presumption. and not a single one of them lived to tell the tale. "

" you're scared. i can tell. the shaking, the look in your eye... you want to run. don't. you'll waste precious time and energy, and you'll need it all if you want to live. "

" everything is gone. it's all smoke, ruin, obliterated. is that our legacy now? our reputation? destruction, devastation, death? is that who we are? "

" we've fought against powerful enemies before, but this is beyond that. if we want to get out of this alive, we need to be smarter, stronger, better than we've ever been before. "

" don't forget why we're here. there's far more at stake than our lives if this goes wrong. "

" you're the only person here i trust. we need to stick together, watch each other's backs. just because everything's changed, doesn't mean we have to, too. "

" i can't think of anyone i'd rather be doing this crazy, ridiculous, nearly definitely lethal mission with. let's go out with a bang, eh? "

" you people are completely insane. but you're also insufferably good at this sort of thing. so let's go save the world, shall we? "

" why are we fighting so hard to save the lives of people who hate us, anyway? "

" you're the best there is at this sort of thing. i'd hate to see the one who got the better of you... "

" look at them all. going around, fussing over money, clothes, land... do they ever realize what's going on around them? do they ever see the bigger picture as we do? "

" you're clever. good. it's nice to have a challenge. but you should know now, you'll want to be a hell of a lot smarter than that if you want to go up against me. "

" you and i both know the risks. we both know what people like them are capable of. tell me it's all okay, and i won't question you. but if it isn't... we need to be ready. "

" it's lonely and vicious at the top. i can handle that. but you... you wouldn't survive five minutes of this life. "

" you can't survive in this world without growing a thicker skin, and erasing that naive belief that you can trust anyone you meet. least of all me. "

" if you're knocking on my door, i can only imagine it means you're here to collect. and by your demeanour, it's one hell of a favor you'll be asking, too. "

" i understand your anger. i've lived with that sort of rage for many years of my life. but you need to set it aside, understand? we need you calm if we want to get out of here. "

" oh, don't get all sentimental. i saved your life because you're worth more to me alive than dead. it doesn't signify any degree of care or affection. "

" you have one hell of an inflated ego, you know that? we were told this job was impossible. that's not a challenge. that's a fact. it is not possible. even for you. "

" i've heard it all before. one more job. one more mission. one last heist. but there's always more. it's like some sort of obsession for you. searching for another thrill. "

" enough! this is it! don't you see that?! we almost died! you almost got killed! if the saints are kind enough to save us today, it's only so we can quit while we're ahead! "

#rp meme #rp prompts #rp memes #rp prompt #roleplay prompt #roleplay prompts #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #writing prompts #writing prompt #dialogue starters #dialogue prompts #dialogue prompt #rp starters #roleplay starters

[kordyceps]

OK I mean obviously I'm reading your steter stuff on AO3 but I'd love to know if you have an all time favourite? Either your fave of your own work, or fave of another author's that you rec/reread/still think about a million years later (or both lol)

Oh man, okay, sorry for taking so long to reply to this ask! But it's such a good one and I unfortunately have the memory of a gold fish, so I needed to do Research™ (aka reread all my favs again lmao) so I could answer it properly. 😂

I only have one Steter fic of my own atm, so I guess that's my de facto personal fav for now…

But as for other folks' work, god, there are sooooo many great Steter fics out there!! So these are just a handful of my top favs, and definitely not a comprehensive list!

Five Times Peter and Stiles Troll the Pack by taylorpotato Rating: M | 2.5k | requires an AO3 account to read Stiles and Peter yell at each other in Polish, misleading the pack into think they're fighting, when in reality it's all just like completely fuckin' filthy dirty talk lmao. Short, but very funny, and such a perfect capture of their mischievous dynamic. 10/10, would recommend!

The Devil You Know by Twisted_Mind Rating: E | 11.6k Peter is there for Stiles when no one else is, and uses that to slowly manipulate his way into earning Stiles' explicit trust. And ooooh boy, is it so delicious and spicy. God damn! Cards on the table: this fic definitely won't be for everyone since it wades into some darker waters. But oh my god do I love love LOVE Peter's characterization in it. God, I feel like I could write a whole damn essay about this fic, but then I'd just end up spoiling the whole thing LOL. Just--if you like darker, manipulative Peter and enjoy your sweetness just a wee bit twisted, then 10/10 would recommend!

The Prince and the Pease by luulapants Rating: E | 47k | requires an AO3 account to read Medieval/Royalty AU where Peter is forced to cede his claim to the throne and become a "guest" of King Deucalion's as part of a peace treaty between the two kingdoms. Stiles, who is suspiciously far too mouthy for your average servant, is gifted to Peter as a bedwarmer. This one does such an incredible, masterful job at translating the characters into its setting and time period. The sass, the wit, the wordplay! You can definitely tell the author knows their shit, and my god is it fantastic. The plot itself is also so satisfying -- lots of great ups and downs, and, ugh, just so good! (Be sure to read p2 for the full ending btw!) Needless to say, 10/10, would recommend!

Keeping him (It's all about intent) by sittinginmytincan Rating: M (& E for oneshot sequel) | 121k Stiles winds up slingshotted into his own future, where it turns out he's married to Peter Hale of all people. His only way back is with Lydia's help, but she's gone mysteriously missing somewhere on the east coast while investigating some strange disappearances. Man, this fic….. I feel like the writer for this one must have received a checklist of things I'm into and decided to mark nearly every single one of them lol. Time travel, woke up married, magical theory, an enthralling af plotline -- and it's so thorough. Like, everything is so incredibly well thought out, the characterization is on point, and the development of Stiles and Peter's relationship is just chef kiss. Definitely 10/10, would recommend!

The Striking Complication by aurevell Rating: T | 118k I don't even want to write a summary up for this one because the mystery of it all and peeling back what's happening piece by piece is, imo, the best way to experience it. This story is intense as fuck, near relentlessly oppressive, and impossible to put down. It keeps you constantly at the edge of your seat as you try to figure out what is going on and how Peter and Stiles will survive it, with these heart-wrenchingly sweet breather moments sprinkled throughout. If you enjoy time loop stories, this one is an absolute must read! 10/10, would recommend!

build-a-beau by veterization Rating: E | 41.5k Tired of his dad always worrying about him being single, Stiles decides to pay for a fake boyfriend service so he can finally get his pops off his back about it. It goes about as well as one can expect a fake texting boyfriend you accidentally catch real feelings for can go lmao. This fic is wonderfully witty, with really fantastic banter between the two of them, and it's just so very fun getting to watch the pretend part of their exchanges slip more and more into something genuine. 10/10, would recommend!

Under the Songbird's Wing by mia6363 Raing: E | 87k Stiles is captured and held in captivity alongside Peter, Deucalion, and Satomi Ito. To survive, Stiles runs through lacrosse drills and tells stories, eventually persuading his fellow cellmates out of their shells and establishing a profound, unbreakable bond between them. This one is HEAVY, folks. Like, heavy heavy. But, god, it's also such a beautiful exploration of the characters and the bonds they develop through shared captivity. I don't even know what more to say, really, it's just haunting and lovely and awful and wonderful all at once. In the mood for something that hurts? Then 10/10, would recommend!

#yes ALL of these are 10/10 would recommend!!! 👏😤 #steter #fic recs #I may have gone overboard with this lmao #but I just!!!! love steter and these fics so much and I had to gush about every single one!!!! #and there is definitely no way I could have picked just one #teen wolf #asks #dre606

[drippingmoon]

Merry new year to everyone, again! 🥳💞🥂

I know it wasn’t an event this year, but writing a yearly wrap-up is really therapeutic, you know? So I decided to continue the tradition, and if anyone wants to join me, absolutely view this as an open invitation^^ Introduction is over, and now let’s see what 2023 looked like:

(spoilers: I adored it. I'm also probably going to make this my fixed post, in case anyone ever wants to catch up with me. And also because my second baby, AoS, is growing, and it doesn't have an intro, but I can't leave it out.)

Stats

Aquiver, Aglow: 181k (draft 4) + 195k (draft 5) + hmm, draft 6 is an outlier, because I didn’t rewrite from scratch, so I’m unsure of the written word count. I didn’t change much from draft 5, so I’d say an extra 15-20k. Total word count: 376k+

Remains of a Night: 120k 

Aberration of Sunlight: 134k

This was definitely my most productive year to date. And I got so hungry: the more I wrote, the more I just wanted to keep writing, and honestly? I’m proudest of myself for literally carving writing time whenever I got a spot into my schedule. Mostly it was from 8pm-11pm, but I had a mad run where my only free window was from 1am till I literally felt I was dying… I’ll talk about that separately🤣🤣👌

Though, I'm seriously understating it.

Like a lot of other people, I would have all these hours when I was younger when I didn't have anything to do, yet I'd still find some excuse not to write. "I'm waiting for the right time." "I'm anxious I'm not going to get it right." "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I can start right from the morning, and I'll have more time to write, yeah?" or "I'm too tired now, it's late..." and so the snowball rolled down and downhill and I found every reason under the sun not to write, now that I think about it. Sigh. So much time wasted. But I can't regret it either, because I needed those baby steps at that time.

And now! Now I do what I thought I'd never learn to: I prioritize, and I actually organize my daily stuff so it's not so impossible anymore to have a little bit of writing time. I don't take it for granted either. It feels like such character growth for me, I'm immensely proud of it.

And for the record? This year was a huge improvement over yesteryear mentally, too. It turns out, what I needed to get over my word count anxiety… was to be faced with people who literally didn’t give a fuck about it, and just cared about the story. One of the most unexpected things beta stage managed to do to me… was to quench all my anxieties. It’s as simple as that. I read and enjoy very long books. People also do that. So, I’m very happy to say I’m no longer in a tizzy about ‘quiv. It might kill my chances for trad publishing, it might not. I’ll be happy come what may.

Because it’s so simple how working on ‘quiv or thinking about it makes me joyous, and now I can just enjoy that freely. I will miss writing this story so much. I really will. But at least I’ll have it forever to reread, and I hope this thought brings comfort to everyone who also has problems letting go, like it does to me.

Let’s break it down a little, shall we?🤩

Aquiver, Aglow◇◇◇

My little star of the hour. How fond I am of it.

Like you could glean from above, ‘quiv went through three drafts this year. More specifically: in the first part of the year, practically almost as soon as February arrived. I knew it was getting closer to the final version, and gave me the push to finish all three back to back. I couldn’t justify anymore the bazillion AUs I do with rewrites (basically, WHAT IFs from events, WHAT IF it went this different way, WHAT IF Tyrone actually said this here… and so on and so forth. I wanted to test out as many pathways as possible, and did I exhaust every one of them in existence? Definitely not. I don’t think that can happen, you just keep getting new ideas. On and on. What happened, instead, is that these couple different pathways, at some point, cemented themselves as canon in my mind. I didn’t want to tease myself with alternatives anymore, and that’s when I knew they would be it. Some bits from the first draft, some from the third, some from the second. Some were even draft 6 originals!

It’s a bit of a weird process. I definitely didn’t need to reach draft 3, and meet Mezusa, because I could’ve feasibly made it work with just Yles in the story. It still would’ve made sense, though in a different way. But if I hadn’t… I might’ve missed one of the best characters I’ll ever probably have created, and the story (and Yles) is much stronger for her, if you ask me. 

For that matter, yes, full rewrites every single draft might take a lot of time and effort, but honestly I don’t think I’d ever change my writing process (save for the moments of frustration when I think I will lol) because of the sheer satisfaction of it. Whoever said so long never to settle on the first version, I owe you a beer and probably some curses as well lmao, but very lovingly. You shaped my writing life.

I don’t have much else to share about ‘quiv, other than it’s off with my beta readers my beloved, and maybe a tentative promise that, if anyone wants, you’ll be able to read this precious ball of hope of mine relatively soon. This story is so gentle to me. And as much as I loved to write and work on it, I dearly hope that whoever decides to give it a go, is treated just the same. That’s the only wish I have.

I also don’t know if I’ll go trad or self-published. Instincts say trad, because I fuckin’ suck at marketing (fact), and I know I’d grow resentful if I’d have to put so many hours into advertising when I know I could instead… write. I’m a writer. That’s the only thing I know how to do. Trad, however, might not be as kind on a ~200k as life’s been, so I might not have a choice. If it comes down to that… I’ll just treat it as I do everything. I don't love this story any less if I just write, publish without a fuss, hope that maybe, just maybe, a reader or two will stumble upon the story and we could talk. Maybe we can have the fun of our lives, create some genuine connection. I know that’s applies to a lot of writers. I hope we can accomplish it.

And so, I’ll finish this section of the wrap-up with a kiss to my ‘quiv, for all the warmth it’s ever brought me. It’s come so far, I know it can live distinct from me from now on. It brings me great comfort. And I look forward to the times I’ll reread it, and we can relive our best experiences together. Never thought I’d get to this point. Thank you, ‘quiv.

Remains of a Night♤♤♤

Mwhahaha! And because ‘quiv took all the pressure, this left AoS to be an extremely fun and spirited experience. Literally the chillest I’ve ever been writing. In many ways, it’s more my thing than I expected ‘quiv to be: I get to murder characters left and right, it’s more plot-heavy and banking on the tension created by a creature that horrifies the characters down to their marrow, but still the only way to defeat it is to know it better, which, uh, might have unpleasant consequences for them. It’s got chase and stealth scenes, and it always shoots me with adrenaline to think about them. In short, exactly my jam.

It’s not a new book, nope. You knew it before as Aberration of Sunlight, but from the get-go I felt it would be bigger than ‘quiv. Very fortunately for me, I had a place where to break it, and behold: there’s RoaN (book 1), and AoS (book 2). There might be a third book, which I dearly hope not because titling sucks, but it depends on the Sycamine arc. More on that in AoS.

One last thing to note, before we delve into the story (hoo-ray for earlier drafts, because I can talk more frankly about them). This is the culprit of my 1am writing adventures!!😫❤ My schedule became too packed, then NaNo came round and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to honor how AoS began, because it was last year’s NaNo, aaand I’m happy to say I won NaNo, somehow, with 56k down before I died. At that time, I only had one section left to write (from both books), otherwise, hahahaha, yeah, it wouldn’t have flown. Still, most of draft 2 I’d written in September-October, with my fairy lights, late nights, and cups of hot cocoa, exactly like how life should be<3

Alright. We’re going through them chapter-by-chapter again, exactly because I love seeing the titles so much:

ACT 1

Cracked Visor, Scorpion Grass

I did it! I did! Twas another shower thought I managed to get down in time. Bare broken sentences, but they did the impossible, and arranged this chapter into a structure I adore to bits and won't ever change. (And 'quiv's naughty voice left me alone for once and I could write it properly!) While I don't think I'll ever be happy with a first chapter (not as a concept, but the writing — part of me will always wish that the reader just had all the information already lol), this one is in the right place.

It pays its respects to the story of the broken helmet at the foot of a spaceship, and how it reconnects Madigan with all the people who'd suffered from being tethered to the planets when they yearned to fly, but the Beast punished them cruelly for it. It makes him feel phantoms of their efforts. The tone is exactly what I needed this story to start from: melancholy and numbly hopeless, against the backdrop of the Beasts's echoed cries.

Rain Through the Universe

Unlike 'quiv, because RoaN and AoS are way more plot-heavy, it's not as easy to change things willy-nilly (whereas 'quiv was all about character bonds and dynamics). As such, it's very similar to draft 1. Because of that, I'll frankendraft next (select and combine drafts 1 and 2, rewrite to connect them) and afterwards I'll try something I've always wanted to. (Scrivener keeps hinting at it!) I'm gonna split the chapters into scenes, and focus on those individually and how I can just rewrite them and set their purpose in stone<3 I'm excited!

As for the chapter itself, gods, I love the atmosphere. Just the wreckage of a sundered ship, and Madigan’s sudden madman appearance making a lasting impression on Spica, because how could it not. They no longer answer distress calls in that age, it just means more dead bodies. In fact, they're forbidden to. Madigan instead brings him what he himself lacks: hope. And a lot of crawling around while dreading the Beast's lambent eye opening, and oh my, the moments are really flying by😈👏 extreme fun for me as the writer.

Aberration of Light

If you remember, the books follow two timelines, which will connect at some point. The first and main one is Madigan and Spica’s story. The other is Holloway’s, in the distant past of that universe, and who’s been dubbed the most selfish man in existence. That’s important, because of how the Beast came to be. But that becomes important later. For now, a weird-ass new recruit has joined the ship, and the witchy crew will very soon start making bets if she’s the Beast in human flesh, which really wouldn’t bode well for their future.

Night Falls On Their Reflection

Draft 2 became Spica’s draft. It was high time. He didn't exist in the original idea beyond chapter 2, but he refused to die with his story untold. And now he's one of the most independent thinkers I've ever written. Now he's Madigan's son (yes, even at 25), best friend, back-to-back partner all in one, and I could watch the trust and mutual respect between these two forever. To be sure: Madigan comes up with the dumbass plans, and Spica's only too happy to follow him through everything (it is good fun.)

He's repaying the incredible kindness Madigan's shown him when answering his distress call, after all.

But it goes a bit further than that, doesn't it? Madigan is used to watching over myriad people. He's the Superintendent of his planet, and while he genuinely loves people, kindness is his default. It doesn't go further than that for him. He doesn't necessarily think people need, much less desire his presence there beyond Madigan extending help, and most of the time, he's content with that. Kindness does make him happy. And it should be the same with Spica now, shouldn't it? He's kind, but he's not Spica's family, nor ever will be. Yet he immediately feels a connection with the boy, that has nothing to do with bonding over escaping-a-cosmic-disaster. And so does Spica.

This is the moment when Madigan starts feeling guilty, for stepping where he should not. But here's the beauty of Spica's character: he's nothing if not dead sure of his own feelings, and what he sees with his eyes. It's okay if Madigan keeps unexpectedly taking steps back. For very long, there'd been nobody to support Spica's beliefs. So he does the same, as when he followed his heart to go into dead space: he believes in himself and Madigan, and that their paths aren't meant to diverge. They mean too much to each other for that to ever happen.

(In short, and legend says you can still hear me screeching about these two ten thousand years later, I love these two so much, and especially the parallels between Spica going alone into outer space and loving Madigan.)

(And, okay, obviously all these developments don't happen in a single chapter, but I couldn't stop gushing🤭🥰.)

Who Puts These Tombs in Ice

Overall, I think draft 2’s Luitgart performed worse than draft 1. Mainly it's the setting I want to revert (still an icy, sempiternally dark hell, but with different ice constructions) because some of the beats are a huge improvement, and again, I gotta combine the two. Otherwise, I’m still as obsessed about the Luitgart arc as I’ve ever been, and huge thanks to it for being so strong it could function as an ending of its own, allowing me to split the book.

Gettin’ into spoilery territory, but I have to un-kill Madigan so many times it leaves me in hysterics. That was what I was supposed to fix this draft. It got worse. Considerably.

(One constant: the chapter being a love letter to Madigan, and how his first answer will always be to help the other, no matter if they deserve it or not<3 and finally, finally, he gets acknowledged for it, and the favor returned.)

ACT 2

Lemon-Dotted Days + Remnant

Two Holloway chapters! I’m actually massively pleased with how they’ve turned out. Last year, I said the main issue was that I had an outline, and that never works for me. So I did what I do best and rewrote everything from scratch, and the result is both uncanny and… unexpected.

Unexpected, because I never in my life thought Holloway’s voice would make me laugh so much. He’s supposed to be unsympathetic, but then you get his interactions with Saintlark (the new crewmate, possibly Beast) where they’re contemplating the harvest of a nebula, and he’s harshly critical of it, which gives Saintlark hope… only to go deadpan One Moment Later: if they’d used the nebula to prolong their lives instead of bolstering the war, they wouldn’t have died like clown idiots. 

And, they could’ve maybe stolen immortality from the nebula. They would've had to share it with him, of course. Or he would've murdered them to get it.

That, my guys, is his personality in a nutshell.

I have a lot of feelings on Holloway now, and most involve me huffing and slapping my forehead while groaning, but oh my gods. Was it ever so fun. And wait, wait, wait. Since I'm talking of humor (apparently a lot of comedy fit into this horror lmfao) I have to show you guys the following section🤣🤣👏:

Corpse Snow

The drifters are set howling on the ice. They share glances, five separate vehicles nodding at each other. Madigan revs up the engine, splitting the air with a jet of steam and vibration.

The last of the marines are climbing into the box. A figure flashes past Madigan’s drifter — and he leans over, teeth grinding because of his ribs, and he does his very best to grab someone by the back of their suit and pull. Workout days were never his strength, though. He only succeeds in stopping them in the frost smoke.

It’s Spica dangling from his hand, expressionless.

Lieutenant Hahn instantly seizes on the situation. He throws Madigan a long, withering look. “Whatcha doing, Boss?” he asks softly, about to unhinge his jaw again.

Madigan nudges Spica into the drifter. “Picking up your boy.”

Spica gets the hint and deposits himself into the front seat, glancing from his father to his Superintendent. He seems to give up on whatever’s going on, and makes himself cozy in the frosty spot. And Madigan, of course, pretends not to notice Hahn’s drifter sliding closer.

“And you didn’t consider I might want to have my son with me?”

Madigan looks up and sighs. “Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant,” he starts pleadingly. “Why won’t you show some leniency to a poor, wounded man?”

Hahn’s drifter stops, summoning a breeze across the icy floor that gently rocks the other vehicle. His breathing distorts the comms with static. “And what exactly is my son right now?”

“My trusty navigator,” Madigan answers easily.

“Sir’s emotional walking stick?” Spica pipes in at the same time.

They both look over. Spica’s quietly turned to the navigation, as serene as daylight, seemingly oblivious to how Madigan's expression changes, lightning-fast. He quickly hides it under the guise of a polite mask, as the marines stir and turn their attention on them. They’re snickering.

Lieutenant Hahn throws up his hands, giving up on everything.

This is also the first 30k chapter I’ve ever written. It's everything I've ever wanted to do with ice.

Heart of the Void

The end of the book. Originally, it was the ending section to Corpse Snow, but since it already got so ungodly long, I chipped off that bit and I have to say I’m very happy with how it works as an epilogue! So it ends the frosty, weary journey, and I can’t see the two books as separate yet, but here we bid goodbye to the first.

Aberration of Sunlight♧♧♧

I did the unthinkable and created a fifth arc. This might not seem like much to you, but I was screaming bloody murder you guys😭😭😭. Sigh. It’s so sigh. For so long, AoS consisted of four clear-cut acts, but it was necessary. With the introduction of Sycamine, and making it two books, it was just needed. It’s still one of the worst things I’ve ever done because I was used to four😃💔

(The chapters continue from where RoaN left off – from chapter 10, to 21.)

ACT 3

Retro Spectrum

Sycamine, oh Sycamine. Definitely the break I needed before Days in Darkness. It made for a really neat beginning. It’s calmer, focusing on the knowledge they have on the Beast. It’s also a reflection on Procyon (their main star) and the story of the two straggler dog constellations, and what they'd been running away from. I liked the direction it took. It veered away from the Beast for a bit, so the tension kept expanding in the background. And when it returns, well... maybe they shouldn't have been so eager to see it again🤭.

It suffers from the same syndrome as draft 1’s first chapter… it’s there in the vicinity of the idea, but too much to the left. Not bad for a first attempt. The setting annoys me – I really don't enjoy writing cities, and AoS didn't change that. So, for our next try, I was thinking... maybe we don't need to be on the planet, but up close and veeery personal with it. It's a secret❤.

And, oh gods. I put a moustache-twirling villain in this. And then I couldn’t stop myself from naming some sucker Sweetman Calories. I don’t know what happened to me during those days, but I’m crying🤣🤣🤣.

Toast to the Light

Holloway and Saintlark’s story is slowly coming to an end. Unexpectedly bleaker than draft 1, yet it feels much more sincere. Holloway has a way of saying everything Saintlark needs to hear. No surprise. They did that to themselves.

Dissonant Recognition

Ahhhh, the Madigan-is-slowly-losing-his-grip-on-reality chapter, or maybe he should really stop staring into the suns. One of my favorites<3 Also because it features Moren (!!!) who has a blast staying in the grey morality area, because she doesn’t know if her actions could ever matter, or if she could change anything. Does she just exist? Is she a player or just pawn? Who knows. Besides that, she gets along great with Spica. They form such a teasing duo, the level of mutual respect they felt for each other on sight was a delight to write. My favorite ally of theirs, even if her destiny lies elsewhere.

Night Beneath the Elevator

Best title hands down, dethroning Solgesis. I’m going batshit crazy about the visuals, it's exactly my thing. This half-light slanted over an elevator waiting in a rundown basement to be boarded. And there's something underneath it, and always has been. Something insidiously creeping up and waving its tendril fingers at you as you're just waiting for the fucking thing to ascend. Immaculate, guys, I'm telling you, and I'm cursing my hands because I can't make a wallpaper of this. I want to eat that atmosphere.

Time-sensitive missions, y'all.

And why the heck did nobody inform me I was going to add Command as an actual character and have them talk with Madigan?! That entire convo, made up entirely on the spot but somehow with a direction, made me realize what an idiot I’d been for not doing it sooner. They mean so much to Madigan, after all.

(And Mariya. So much Mariya in these chapters.)

ACT 4

Loop System

Like Who Puts These Tombs in Ice, draft 1 might’ve done it better. Not Spica and Madigan, though, because of the sheer development Spica’s been through and the dynamic he’s managed to form with the crew. It's different from Madigan’s, but similar enough that it’s got Hahn commenting lightly: [Spica’s] picked up quite a few habits from Madigan, hasn’t he? Almost as if they’ve gotten very very close, huh? How about Madigan tell him more?

(I adore writing Hahn.)

Outreach

Another Holloway chapter. Doesn’t have the punch of the kids subplot from draft 1, but this just makes it worse for Saintlark personally, because, this time, the consequences are on her.

Days in Darkness

I knew the moment I first got the idea this would be my favorite chapter. Well, it finally happened in draft 2: when the entire crew is here, this time, and ready for the final countdown, to relive the experience of being trapped in a ship that's disintegrating. No more heroes left behind. I'd been so tired writing this chapter in draft 1, but this time around it was incredible. Everything went up sharply from here, both in terms of events and how on fire I was.

(Maybe less than the gorgon, but I was.)

ACT 5

Echo Terminal

The first of the two log chapters.

I've never written smoother, more visual chapters than in this period. Days in Darkness changed me so much, I was writing day and night by this point and couldn't get enough. Well, I hit my limit in the second half of the very last chapter, but I am beyond satisfied. Even the Beast's metamorphosis took me by storm, because I'd been wondering what the final verbs, the final images, the final design for it was going to be. I didn't expect it to come to me this early, and with such thrill. Those were my very best days of the year, and I toast to them.

(And I knew it was going to be fantastic when Halo's Warthog Run OST started blaring in my head, with as much adrenaline.)

Where, Now? + Solgesis

My beloved. The second and last of the two log chapters, but it’s Noelle Saintlark’s log.

Holloway’s timeline ends here. Or maybe it just gets carried into the future. I thought I’d want to rewrite his parts again, make the plot just a tiny bit more psychedelic and nonsensical because it’s so close to the Beast… but Solgesis put all my fears to rest. Even the formatting and layout is a bit of that special thing I’ve always wanted to try, and it really changes the perspective of the previous chapters. There's a new confession that stands at the heart of Holloway's stories.

Honestly, the only thing that needs urgent working on is the anger at the end of the chapter.

Anger is so hard for me to write sometimes. Not because I don’t connect with it, but because I feel self-conscious writing it. The wildest I felt it was when I tackled 'quiv's chapter 3 and Imera's Turning speech, both in quick succession (before I'd even written draft 1. I'd been taking notes.) Since then... I just thing back to how keenly I'd felt that anger, and I kind of intimidate myself out of it. Kind of like a natural resistence, I quench it from myself. Which is actually hilarious when you think about it. It’s like I’m going I BANISH THEE FROM MY BRAIN because generally, as a person, I dislike feeling and operating on anger. But no worries. I’m going to find a way around it.

Watch me😎.

What Goes Around…

(Now it’s the time for me to start crying some rivers, and, alright, it won’t be visible so I’ll say it: the chapter titles are holding a conversation, guys. They speak to each other. And sometimes it’s both sides of the same coin, like how What Goes Around (comes around) hints here. If you take two chapters, one from the beginning and one from the end (for example 1 and 21) it'll tell you a little secret. Okay, What Goes Around and Rain Through the Universe communicate through their plot, which I can’t spoil but of course it has to do with Madigan and Spica and how they first meet… but there is one title pair that does it best visibly. 

Lemon-Dotted Days and Days in Darkness.

And I hadn’t even planned this. All the parallels I wanted to draw… I feel like they built themselves, guys. They really did, and it makes me so wildly happy I don’t even know how to stop my hands from flailing.

And, with them being 21 chapters, they meet in the middle, on the one unpaired chapter.

Called Toast to the Light.

I friggin’ love everything.

New Sunrise, Forget-Me-Right

Of course, Forget-Me-Right is a play on Scorpion Grass. But it’s also such a gentle name for the chapter, because everything ends here. Lying on their backs, staring out into the universe, and it really, really is over. Just a dark horizon on which stars flare and bloom. And suddenly, that maddened rush to make every sacrifice count, to remember every soul they’ve encountered because the legend says the Beast absorbs you when it kills you – all that suffocating pressure dissipates. Lightness remains. Because they’ve protected each other.

For the first time in my writing journey, blood rushed to my head with such emotion I had to stop writing, which never happens. I had to look up and exclaim, holy fuck. But how could I not, considering how the story ends for the Beast? I am speechless. A lot of gorgeous surprises this draft.

Conclusion□●□

Whew, what a year it's been! As for how 2024 will probably look like, though I don't like making plans: finishing the beta stage for 'quiv, and tackling RoaN and AoS's draft 3. Thaaaat one I'm actually starting on Christmas, when I can (finally!!) reread draft 2 with my mug of hot cocoa (or maybe mulled wine for a change) and, no surprises here, I'm hyper stoked for that<3 <3 <3 I legit can't wait to see where the new draft brings them. I might not have set any expectations for them, but they're vying to keep up with 'quiv and I adore it🤭❤

As for my lovely friends... well, you know by how I spam your tags how much I adore you and wish you happiness forever🤩🥺🥳 I don't know what my activity will look like in the near future, so for now I won't be saying anything, and my semi-hiatus continues. Semi, because you're unforgettable and I crave to see what everyone's been up to and (!!!!) what you've written!

So let's meet in 2024 again, and all the best wishes to you, the reader🥰🥂❤.

#ayearofwriting #2023 #aquiver-aglow #aberration of sunlight

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Not sure if you can help but...

I used to write fanfic a lot (not just Johnlock, but other fandoms too) and I got a particularly nasty comment on a fic months back (almost a year ago now I think) that made me delete my entire AO3 and never write anything ever again.

But I miss it so much. And every time I go to write something, the magic is just gone and I get nowhere. It's like any joy I had in writing was just sucked out by one single comment. How do I fix this?

Hey Nonny *SNUGGLE BUGGLE HUGGLE*

I'm so sorry that the "magic" feels gone, and I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience because of one entitled asshole.

Unfortunately, I am not a professional in this regard, so please take what I say as just a grain of salt and as someone who adores and supports all creatives in this fandom... I've gotten lots of nasty comments over the years, and honestly... I take more joy that I continue on doing what I'm doing and that they're SO bloody bothered by me that I just ignored them... because really that's all you can do online. And sites like AO3 now give you the option to have your fics only be commented on by registered users only, so if you get that hate comment, just report it, block the user, and laugh at them.

I know that it's easier said than done, but to me it seems like you want to do start writing again. I've found that I just stopped caring about who my content is for, because at the end of the day, I'm doing my content for me, and it has the side effect of other people enjoying it too. I've lived long enough to just... not give a shit anymore about asshats online, because honestly they're just sad, bored people who get a sick thrill from riling people up.

BUT AGAIN, Nonny, this might be deeper than "just writing and forgetting about it" because that one comment WAS traumatic for YOU and that's VALID. I think talking to other authors might be beneficial to you to help you overcome that hurdle. FOR ME, I've found just... doing my projects with me as the primary audience does wonders. I love going back to my SUPER old stories and rereading them, because I take a lot of joy in remembering that these worlds were created by me FOR me. And looking at my old art and seeing how much I've improved often is motivation enough for me to carry on.

Actually, thinking back to my college days (OOOOOOF I'm old), we specifically had classes where the profs would rip apart our projects during critique sessions, on purpose, because in the real world, unfortunately, it is stuff you have to deal with in real life and they didn't want us to have our first experience be on-the-job. So I MIGHT be a bit more indifferent to "critiques" than most people, I'm now realizing, so AGAIN, please take what I say with a grain of salt.

That all said, you know what, Lovely? You have a lot more fans than you know, I'm sure, and they'd be thrilled to have you back <3 I REALLY REALLY wish I was better at articulating just how much I really want to see you happy, and how much of the best I hope for you. I know that my words aren't going to make everything better, but I hope they helped a bit.

If there's anyone who struggled to get over that hurdle themselves, please don't hesitate to reply or send me an anonymous message and I'll paste it here so Nonny knows that they're not alone.

And if you do, Nonny, decide to return and post up your stories, I am ALWAYS here to promote them and boost them for you <3

Please take care Nonny, and I hope you continue to write again <3 But KNOW that if you inevitably DON'T, THAT IS OKAY TOO. <3

#steph replies #chatting with nonnies #i am not a professional #writing advice #life advice #writer problems #my advice

[nyoomerr]

How do you always pop out banger fics? I feel like everyone and their mothers in the fandom adore your fics and not one of your stuff has ever been a flop! Seriously, what's your secret??

djkhfg but more seriously, there have definitely been fics i've posted that i personally wasn't happy with at the time i posted them, or that i was really proud of but have indeed "flopped" when i posted them**

**recognizing that all success is relative, and considering a "flop" to be a lack in response compared to my other svsss fics from a similar time period

overall though, i have indeed been extremely lucky with how kindly this fandom has treated me and how much support my work gets... but mostly i do think that really is just luck 😅

if you just meant for this to be a very sweet compliment about how you like my stuff a lot, thank you so much, and feel free to stop reading here!! if you were genuine in asking "seriously, what's your secret," though, i do have some tips for fic writing!

first thing is for me to say that it is 100% the most important for you to personally be the #1 fan of your own stuff.

it's super fun that so many people like my fics! but it's mostly fun because it feels like i'm holding up a rock and screaming and everyone screams along with me - it would be a lot less exciting if i was holding up a rock and watching in silent indifference as everyone screamed at it, lol. writing stuff just because it's interesting to you will also help you avoid writing + fandom burnout, and people who read it will always be able to tell when you love what you're writing about.

i also personally think it's really important to see the things you like to completion, which includes either posting it somewhere or saving it alongside your finished works, whatever you personally do to metaphorically put a finished piece "on the fridge."

it is a wildly common experience for creatives to begin disliking their own work partway through the creative process, or to dislike it after it's done. but if you're creating something because you're personally excited about some aspect of it, then you theoretically enjoyed something about that work at some point in time. and, with enough time and distance from it, you'll probably end up liking it again in the future!

if you've made sure to put that work "on the fridge" somewhere it's safe and marked as 'done' in your own mind, then you'll get the chance to create that time and distance. it's not sitting in some guilt-ridden folder of abandoned wips, or discarded because you were never able to write or edit it to your satisfaction - it's just 'done.' i can't count how many times i've come back to a piece i disliked at the time of finishing it and, months later, decided it was actually pretty good.

so - put your work on the fridge, even if you're not satisfied with it! and when your brain is able to let it go, reread it. find the parts that made you write it in the first place, the stuff that got you really excited, and let them excite you again, and inspire you to write even more!!

okok so that's a) write what you like and b) don't give up on your hard work. now i'll address the last bit that touches on fandom reception of your work... 💦💦

... i really do think it's mostly luck 😅

the very first fic i posted on this ao3 account is, without doubt, still my most popular one. i could talk about how i feel about that for a whole separate essay post lmao, but it is a good example of how fic "popularity" often works.

i was still on twitter at the time that i made it, which was where most of the mxtx fans were at. a promo post i made got retweeted by a handful of people with big followings, and that combined with the fact that there were way less binggeyuan fics at the time meant that it kinda hit it big. and since so many people sort by kudos or bookmarks, fics that are already popular just end up more popular...

i think a lot of popular fics are like this to some degree. they use the right tags and post at the right time to get seen by just the right audience, or there's a promo tweet/post somewhere that lands on just the right number of dashes, and their popularity snowballs. of course, these popular fics are also often absolutely fucking incredible and worthy of their popularity, but i've also read fics with very very little "popularity" that are just as good or better than some of the top kudosed or bookmarked fics in the tag.

the only thing i have ever (personally) noticed as something you can control that affects popularity is fic length - from what i've seen in both my fics and those others write, multichaptered fics that update semi regularly and stretch on for multiple months have a tendency to drum up more excitement the longer they go. people start to get more excited for each update + they talk about that on socmed, and that combined with consistently bumping the fic to the top of the tag when sorted by recently updated gives it more and more chances for it to hit that lucky combo of "seen by the right people."

so, that's all to say, actually my advice for this section is also "just write what you like," because you can't control whether or not the people who will also like it will see it when you post it, so make sure there's at least one reader enjoying the ride (you).

...and then of course for more generic "how do you write """well""" advice, just keep practicing, and take note of the things you like in other people's writing and how they accomplish it!

sorry if that was like. way more than what you were really expecting as an answer for this 🙈🙈 i really am truly very grateful for all the super kind feedback i get on my work, but i'm really out here just writing whatever i want in whatever ways i want and then throwing it up "on the fridge" before i can chicken out dkfjh

i hope you (or whoever else bothered to read this far) can also be really satisfied and excited about what you're making, and my fingers are crossed for your luck in the "everyone in the fandom likes this thing" lottery 🤞🤞

#kjfdhg i wrote way more here than intended tbh but i do want to try and be helpful if someone asks me for advice so kfgjh #ANYWAY ty for the ask and for enjoying my stuff!! i rly am lucky with so many lovely people in this fandom supporting me ;w; #nyoomerr ask

[quihi]

Okay, overall thoughts on Fablehaven and Dragonwatch. I hope to write in more detail later - I have a first draft of a post about my take on some of the religious themes and allegory in Dragonwatch - but I gotta start somewhere (that requires less citations).

I saw Carnival Quest on the library shelf last November, read that, and had so much fun I decided to go for more Brandon Mull and reread Fablehaven. (I don't read a lot of kids books, as an adult, but I hadn't felt like reading in awhile and this made reading fun.) The first book was rough, honestly—it was his first published book and it shows. The prose felt clunky and awkward, but I got used to it and it improved. Seth drove me insane—so much of the plot was driven by "Seth screws up." But it was a quick and easy and fun read, and the world and concept were a delight!

Books 2–4 were great. I only read the books once or twice over ten years ago, so all I remembered was the general concept, a little about Kendra and Seth, and a vague idea of the final battle. I got to experience all the twists again! It was very fun to see the people who populate this increasingly large world, and the people around the edges like that rich couple in Georgia who have fairies but have never seen a preserve. Like, how did they get involved, how much do they know? It's clear that Kendra and Seth are way more deeply involved than someone who just discovered the preserves normally would be. I have a lot of thoughts about their parents and how Fablehaven fits in with their lives, and I think I think about that a lot more as an adult—it doesn't bother me but I find it more sad now.

Keys to the Demon Prison was big, and wow did we see the world. It added a lot of stuff that hadn't felt foreshadowed at all—the Eternals, Vasilis, Bracken—so it felt a little disconnected and like there were some deus ex machina. I liked the ending, though, and how everything wrapped up with swapping the demon prison and the fairy realm.

So, fun series! They definitely felt like kids books, but I would still recommend them to kids and adults who want to read a fun, magical adventure.

After this, life got busy, and I needed a break, and time to let the books sink in and read a few other books, so I didn't start Dragonwatch until January. I raced through the first three books, then took about a week off before I could get myself past the beginning of Champion of the Titan Games, then finished the series in under a week. They got so frustrating and dark that I needed that break, but I'm glad I didn't force myself to keep reading when I was worn out.

Okay, look, I know this seems to be an unpopular opinion, but I enjoyed them. I don't know if it helped because I read them all in under a month and didn't think too hard or reread them in between, and I hadn't been eagerly awaiting them—I don't think much about Mull or keep up with his new books. I didn't notice a lot of the continuity errors that I guess were there, though I did notice the big thematic change from darkness being neutral to being more evil (though I have some thoughts on that, too). There were definitely some weird choices. The structure of book five felt very similar to Fablehaven's book five.

I liked Knox and Tess. I see reasons they would be introduced, and while they could have done more (Tess: spends entire series as the innocent girl, gets teleported around a couple times but never to anywhere from which she can get home), I couldn't help liking them. They're decent foils for Kendra and Seth, at least. I think I'd have liked more of them, over cutting them. I badly wanted Knox and Seth to sit down for a good conversation about mistakes and forgiveness.

One of the story choices that baffled or irritated me most was not putting Marat or Agad back in charge of Wyrmroost, after Celebrant lost his status. I guess the best argument is there wasn't time between them returning from Stormguard Castle and Seth's disappearance, and the explicit consent of both Kendra and Seth was needed, but like, that should have been the first thing they did. I guess no one thought of it. And I suppose there was still the issue of no easy way to leave.

There was a lot of religion, which I began to notice in Master of the Phantom Isle, and was surprisingly blatant in Return of the Dragon Slayers. Religious themes in books don't bother me, though I know that's a YMMV topic and I understand why some people don't like it. (Thank you to the Fablehaven fandom for, as far as I can tell, not getting into absolute hatred of Christianity.) But, well, they were still overall the fun adventures that I was reading for, even as they got more sad and the character arcs got deeper. I'm glad I finished and read through the whole series.

I was left with a lot to think about. I have ideas for fanfiction. Mostly canon compliant, set after Dragonwatch, with some earlier, and also one romance AU that I'm worried about people's reactions to the ship. I'm buying a lot of the books to reference more easily, since I like referencing books when I write and I'm no longer twelve years old with the time and urge to flip through and reread books a dozen times until I know every plot point by heart by the time I return them to the library, but I do have more disposable income.

So, uh, I'm not really one to rate books, but I'd still call these solid and fun overall, though they have their flaws. I far prefer enjoying books to criticizing them, so I'd rather like them and try to find ideas and headcanons that improve them, rather than linger on the elements I dislike. I want to be positive!

#fablehaven #dragonwatch

[msmargaretmurry]

Anon who has just finished the HAW + extras reread, once again, thank you for this story and all the additional looks into your world, it has been a delight to read along like this! And one final round of questions - were there any scenes, moments, details, that you wanted to include in the main fic or in the sequels but didn't? and/or what was the experience like (for Matthew or Leon) of meeting Leon's family for the first time? I'm gonna miss these little guys with their big feelings, but I know I'll be back!

hi anon! thank you so much for your kind words throughout your reread! i'm so glad you enjoyed it ❤

re: things i wanted to include but didn't — this is a tough one because i don't... think so? i talked a little about wanting to include more about what's going on with leon and deciding against it, which i guess kind of counts. i have a super long dump doc for this fic (69 pages, nice) but honestly it's all just versions of scenes that didn't work or slightly tweaked paragraphs i threw in there because i didn't want to lose the wording, in case i changed my mind later. some things that i wrote but didn't end up including are that i originally had matthew and leon facetiming instead of texting while matthew was home for christmas, and originally had them having a phone conversation between the kiss(tm) and the asg. but that's not stuff i wish i could have included, it's stuff i reworked because it wasn't working! i honestly don't think i have stuff i really wanted to include but didn't!

re: meeting leon's family — a rare occasion that's more stressful for leon than for matthew, haha. something about being an ocean away, with people who have very little prior conception or expectations of him as a person makes things a lot easier. he's nervous, of course, but he's a polite young man, good with parents! he's not out of his depth for once! meanwhile leon is pretty stressed because he likes matthew SO MUCH and he really wants everything to go well! he wants matthew to like his family and for his family to like matthew and for matthew to like germany! and he does and they do and he does :) i'm very dedicated to them not having a lot of drama after the gauntlet i put them though. they get everything they want now imo ❤

#ask #ratnovel #hockey for ts

[farmerlarrry]

Orange Slices (Joel Miller x f!reader)

masterlist | chapter seven | chapter six | read on ao3 | playlist

story summary: A story about finding companionship and love in the midst of chaos.

a/n: Hello! I am so sorry for not posting a chapter in so long. I had some personal stuff going on that warranted my full attention, and it took a lot longer to resolve itself than I anticipated. I promise updates will become more regular (and not be months apart…). Thank you to those who stuck around, again I am so sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and the chapters to come! | This chapter was kind of, sort of messy. I was going to split it into two separate chapters, but decided to post it all as one. I hope you guys don't mind! Also, any small mistakes will be fixed once I get a chance to reread.

word count: 7789

if you want to be notified when I post new chapters, follow @farmerlarrrylibrary and put on notifications! If you'd rather be tagged, just let me know.

Chapter Eight

“Hi, I’m Maria,” The familiar-faced woman approaches you with a wide smile. One of her hands is extended outward to you. You stare at her for a moment with wide eyes. Before she told you her name, you immediately recognized her from the photos Tommy showed you. She looks just like she did when it was taken, as if she hasn’t aged a day. You return her reach and firmly shake her hand. Her eyes are hard, yet contradictingly inviting. 

Nessa guides you over to one of the chairs in the middle of the room. Tommy is sitting in the one next to it, a small wooden table separates the two chairs and has a small vase of dried flowers in the center. As you take a seat he gives you a warm smile, his spirits seem to be up since this morning. You notice a pair of crutches leaning up against the arm of his chair, causing you to shift your gaze down towards his leg. It’s been cleaned and is now wrapped up much better than before, a sense of relief comes over you. 

There’s a small group of people, mainly guards, in the room alongside you, Tommy, Nessa and Maria. The four of you are the only ones in the center of the room. The rest are standing off to the sides, leaning up against the walls, not daring to speak or move. A pit of uneasiness sits in your stomach as you begin to feel everyone’s eyes on you. You try to ignore it, but the feeling begins to become overwhelming.

“Tommy told us a little bit about you and your journey, how you went from Houston to Colorado, you’re a fighter,” Maria suddenly speaks in a confident tone. She is now leaning up against the edge of her desk, her hands clasped in front of her. 

“I had help along the way, bu-but I suppose you could say that,” Your voice is small, barely even hearing yourself. You feel intimidated. 

“You come from the same group as Charles, right? From the apartment building? And before that you were at a QZ?” Maria cocks her head and narrows her eyes curiously. The others in the room exchange complex looks amongst each other at the discovery of this connection. You give her a single nod and see her glance at Tommy for a split second before returning to you. She smiles. “This must be a bit overwhelming for you.”

You go to say something, but nothing comes out. Your mouth is unbearably dry. 

Everyone's heads turn at the sound of Nessa clearing her throat. She’s standing behind Tommy, holding the back of the chair with a firm grip.

“Maybe you can just ask her later? I’m sure she's tired and overwhelmed, like you said,” Nessa chimes in, tightening her grip even more. She’s looking at you with a concerned expression. Classic Nessa, always coming to my rescue… you think, slightly embarrassed at your lack of being able to speak for yourself. It’s like nothing has changed. Maria nods her head at Nessa’s request, pushing herself off of the desk and standing upright.

“Well then, things are simple here. The key to the success of the community is working together,” Maria shifts her attention back on you. “Some tend to the animals, others tend to the garden. There’s a school for the children that is run by some of the parents. There’s much more, but that’s just to name a few. We’ll let you get settled in before talking about your placement. From what Tommy has told me so far, I think you’ll be a great addition to Jackson. Do you have any questions we can answer?”

“Uh… ” You couldn’t think at the moment, you still felt the eyes of everyone looking at you, and you can see Tommy and Nessa both staring at you in your peripheral vision. “Not that I- not that I can think of.” You finally force out.

“If you think of anything, we’d be more than happy to answer,” She takes a few steps toward you. “As for a home, it’s going to take a few days-”

“Maria, if you don’t mind…” Nessa blurts out and Maria directs her attention to her, trying to cover her annoyance with a broad smile. You see Tommy’s eyes go wide and his posture stiffen, he doesn’t move and keeps his eyes locked on the ground. “I was thinking she could take one of the vacant houses in the same area as mine and Tommy’s… maybe the blue one adjacent to Joel’s.” 

“Oh, oh… You and Tommy?” You let out breathily, not thinking before talking. You shift your body to the edge of your seat as Tommy and Nessa let out a soft giggle in unison, looking at each other joyously before turning their attention to you. You stare at the two with your brows drawn together, glancing between them. Nessa is Tommy’s girlfriend? 

“Like I said, lots to catch up on,” Nessa lets out in a childlike, giddy tone.

When you look back at Maria, she has her lips pursed and is slightly nodding her head as if she is contemplating Nessa’s suggestion, or rather request.

“Usually those houses are reserved for… Well, I don’t see why she couldn’t. You wouldn’t mind showing her the way,” She says to Nessa, not waiting for a response, before turning back to you. “You should get some rest and get settled in, Tommy and I will come to talk to you about a placement once we’ve had time to discuss. Sound good?” 

You give her a simple nod.

“Thank you, Maria,” You say as you rise to your feet, she returns your gratitude with a smile before going back around her desk and taking a seat. Everyone else has already begun leaving. Nessa appears at your side with a smile on her face, looping her arm through yours. 

-

“That’s mine and Tommy’s place,” Nessa is pointing at a large, white two-story home before pointing a few houses down at a faded blue two-story home that is just as big. “And that one is yours.” 

“Isn’t it… a little big for just me?” You turn to her, slowing your pace. She ignores you, letting her arm fall to her side and taking the lead toward your new home. 

As you get closer, you come to realize little details of your new home. The faded blue paint has been chipped off in many areas leaving white patches, the porch railing has completely collapsed on one side, I could fix that, you think. Regardless of it’s apparent flaws, it’s yours . 

Nessa is already through the front door, while you’re still at the bottom of the pathway marveling over it. The blue one, adjacent to Joel’s, you look over your shoulder to the house at the end of the street. You have to strain your eyes but you can see a light is on inside through the sheer curtains covering the window. Your heart skips a beat and you find yourself unable to look away.

“Come on in,” Her faint voice pulls you out of your daze. You jog the rest of the way up the pathway, up the steps, and through the door, trying to force any thought involving Joel out of your mind.

Upon entering, you quickly notice the thick layer of dust that covers everything. The interior looks like no one has set foot in it for a very long time. A dust-clad blanket lays messily over the back of the couch, and your heart sinks. It looks like someone had just thrown it over temporarily, thinking they’d be back shortly. A coaster set is scattered on the surface of the coffee table with books stacked neatly just to the side of them. Your eyes move up to the walls, the wallpaper has started to peel, the corners up by the ceiling curling in on themselves, covered in spiderwebs. You walk past Nessa over to the couch and run your fingers along the blanket; dust sticks to your fingers to which you wipe off on your jeans before taking off your backpack and setting it on the ground.

“It’ll take some work to clean it up, but it has potential,” Nessa says unconvincingly, gawking at the dust as she comes out of the kitchen. You silently agree with her, running your eyes all over the different parts of the house again. “Anyway, why don’t you go shower? It’s upstairs, should be the first room to your left. I’ll go grab you a change of clothes, okay?” 

As Nessa leaves through the front door, you slowly make your way up the staircase, looking at the pictures that are still hanging up on the wall; they’re of the family who once lived here. Running your fingers along the glass, you wipe away the dust with the pad of your index finger, revealing two children who looked to be between the ages of five and ten; they were sitting under a tree both bearing large smiles. The same feeling you got when you saw the youth-sized sleeping bag back at the factory with Joel reemerges within you, burning a hole in your stomach. You suck some air in and take down each picture one by one. 

Holding them tightly against your chest, you enter the room on the left as Nessa had said. It looks to be the master bedroom. You gently place the pictures face down on one of the side tables by the bed, taking a seat and covering your face with your hands, running them through your hair over the back of your neck. You let out a heavy sigh. 

-

The tile floor is cool and somewhat soothing on your aching feet. Peeling your socks off, you look down, noticing all the blisters and sores covering the bottom and sides of your feet, on top of your toes, and the back of your heels. You walk over to the small shower, pull back the cracked, plastic curtain, and turn the knob. The water sputters a bit when it first comes on before shooting out with a steady flow. You watch the bottom of the tub as the dust turns to dense clumps of dark gray, following it as it circles down the drain. Turning around, you walk over to the countertop and begin removing everything from your pockets; the folded piece of paper from your back pocket, the stone from your front pocket, and the bottle cap from the other. Steam starts to fill the bathroom. Your fingers linger on the paper, chewing on the inner flesh of your bottom lip as you begin to unfold it. You trace your fingers along the oranges neatly drawn at the top before shifting your focus to where it had been torn. When you look up, the mirror is fully fogged over. You fold the piece of paper back up and hesitate before setting it down with the rest of the items, shrugging off your shirt and slipping off your pants and undergarments, and kicking them off to the side. 

The water stings your skin when you first enter the shower. As you fully emerge your body, you feel every muscle fully relax under the heat, and the steam rolls off your skin. You close your eyes, trying to push all your thoughts from your mind. At this moment, you want to fully relax, pretend life isn’t the way it is, pretend Joel and whatever your feelings toward him don’t exist, the things you’ve had to do to survive never happened. You just want to simply be. 

-

You dread getting out of the warm embrace of the shower. Wrapping the towel around your body and securing it at the top, you walk back over to the mirror, wiping away the condensation that clung to the surface. You see a semi-blurred version of yourself staring back at you. Your face doesn’t look quite as you remember it, you look older, your face is a lot slimmer, and the dark circles under your eyes tell everyone who sees them that you haven’t properly slept in ages. You have a hard time prying your eyes away from yourself, but the sound of something clattering downstairs tells you it’s time to go. 

You put your socks back on before going downstairs to prevent dust from sticking to your damp feet. In one hand you have your old clothes, and the other is holding the top of your towel so it doesn’t fall off. Your hair is still wet, leaving a trail of water droplets. Nessa is on her hands and knees cleaning the floor with a rag. Much of the surfaces have already been wiped off.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it,” she says with a low grunt as she gets up from the ground.

“You’re apologizing for cleaning?” you chuckle, raising your eyebrows. 

“We’ll get the rest later,” she responds, turning to the table with a pile of clothes on the surface. She grabs them, extending them toward you. “Here you go. I can take your old clothes… do you want to, um, keep them, or?”

“Oh, well,” you pause to think. The shirt and long sleeve pullover had tears all over them, the jeans were potentially salvageable if someone could get all the stains out, but you doubt that would be possible. “I suppose you can just get rid of them… Nessa, can we just stay in today, and go get the supplies and stuff tomorrow? I’m tired and I-”

“Of course, we can,” Nessa exclaims, nodding her head with wide eyes. She grabs you by your shoulders and pull you in for a hug. “Go get changed, I’ll continue cleaning. Don’t worry about doing anything today, just rest up, I got this.” 

You turn to head back upstairs to get dressed. Before making it to the top, you stop for a moment, turning back to look at Nessa who has her back facing you. This peace and contentment, it’s new. You smile to yourself, your heart now feeling full. 

-

Nessa practically forces you to relax while she makes dinner, so you take a seat at the now clean dinner table, watching her as she cooks and continue talking to her. She finally tells you about how Tommy and she came to be a couple. They knew of each other long before they officially met. She always found him to be cute, she’d gossip with Heather and Aimee about him, eventually confessing her feelings for him. She and her friends had been at the bar one night, they were celebrating a mutual friend’s birthday. When she went up to get a round of shots for the table, Tommy came up beside her, very obviously flirting with her. After that they became inseparable. They spent their evenings together, he’d take her out to the field just past the greenhouses late at night. Eventually, he asked her to move in with him. Your heart swells with joy as she tells you the story, she has a smile plastered on her face as she speaks, her cheeks flushed a bright pink. You’re happy Nessa, for the most part, had been able to find happiness after everything happened. You’re happy that in all of this, she’s okay. 

She sets down your bowl of chili before taking a seat next to you at the table. The smell overwhelms your senses, nostalgia washing over you, reminding you of your days spent together back at boarding school. Nessa would always make dinner for you and her since the school food was less than ideal, and borderline inedible. 

“Nessa,” you say, wrapping your hands around the warm exterior of the bowl. “How’d you get here?”

Her face drops, pursing her lips as she stirs her chili slowly with the spoon. 

“Do you want the short version or the long version,” She let out a chuckle, her tone sounding sad. 

“Whatever version you’re comfortable with,” You set down your spoon, resting your chin in your hand and offering her your full attention

Nessa’s dad was some big-shot CEO of one of the world’s biggest leading companies, meaning her family was very rich as well as very powerful. He had all sorts of connections and resources due to his status. As word broke out that they were declaring the infection outbreak as a state of emergency, he sent one of his workers from his Houston office to get Nessa. I tried to look for you, I really did, dad said you could come too, but everything was just so chaotic, I couldn’t get back to the dorms and Leon said we needed to leave as soon as possible. The plan was to get Nessa back home to California, but that proved itself to be a lot more difficult than they thought, with the roads being blocked, traffic made it impossible to get anywhere safely, then FEDRA stopped letting people in and out of certain places, they shut down the airports and refused to let planes take off. They had to cut through Utah, but they were unable to get through and eventually FEDRA directed them to the QZ in Salt Lake City. It was really scary when they took Leon away, they separated us shortly after we arrived… I never saw him after that, Nessa said somberly. They just put me into a placement room and gave me no other options, I couldn’t get in touch with my parents, they wouldn’t even let me try. I was so afraid and I was all alone with no answers. She eventually became close with James and his younger sister Megan. Their family took Nessa in and made sure she was safe. James’ dad worked in the radio tower in Salt Lake, he came into contact with an older gentleman, they talked most days, and over time they became friends, he claimed he had a community in Jackson that would offer more security than the QZ’s. All we’d have to do is find a way there, he’d let us all in, no questions asked. James’ mom didn’t want to leave, she was afraid of what was outside of the walls, and felt like the risk wasn’t worth it. After, I don’t know, 3 or 4 years… when things in the QZ’s got really bad, they finally decided to leave and head out to Jackson, they extended the offer to me, I truly had no one else so I joined them. Maybe we underestimated how bad things were, not truly knowing how dangerous things had become but- she let out a heavy sigh, screwing her eyes shut, a tear fell down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. When we got here it was just James, his dad, and of course me. We were the only ones who made it, and James’ dad, unfortunately, became ill not too long after arriving, he didn’t make it… Since then though, things have been pretty great, you know, it's a good thing we have going on here. I met Tommy who I love, I have friends, and now you’re here, so everything is… good.

Nessa’s eyes were red from tearing up, seeing her like this makes your eyes well up with tears as well. 

“I’m really sorry,” Your voice quivers as you speak. Nessa shakes her head. “I should’ve looked for you too, I knew where you were, but I just– I ran Nessa. I didn’t know, I- I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“How’d you make it out?” She spoke quietly.

“I ran into Mr. Erickson in one of the hallways in the main building, he took me to his house and we stayed there for a few days before FEDRA took us to the QZ in Houston,” You responded plainly. Nessa perks up when you say Mr. Erickson’s name.

“Mr. Erickson, the science department’s hot teacher aide, huh?” She smirks through her tears. “What a man to be with when the world ends.”

Both of you laugh in unison.

She asks you about the QZs you were at. You don’t hold back telling her how things truly were, you told her about how you’d go outside of the walls to scavenge for the soldiers. That was how you survived since you didn’t have anything else useful to offer. That conversation eventually led to how you knew Charles, you went into detail about the apartment building, the people who resided there and how you were forced out by a rival group one unfortunate evening.

“Ness, I did some really fucked up things,” You finally look up at her, she’s concentrated fully on you. She’s giving you a blank stare in response. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

She gets up from her chair and wraps her arms around you, burying her face into the crook of your neck. You begin to weep into her shoulder.

“That’s understandable,” she says, muffled. “But if you ever do need to talk about it, talk about anything, I’m always here for you, forever and always. No judgment.” 

The rest of the night, the two of you start to go through the home, setting things aside to go to the donation center and other things in a separate pile that you’d like to keep. You continue talking about life, Nessa tells you about the people of the community, she tells you about her friends who she is very excited for you to meet, and she talks more about Tommy, saying she never thought she’d be able to love someone as much as she loves him. 

Before you know it, the sun sets for the day, the living room area is now dimly lit by a small lamp on the table next to the couch. Nessa is fast asleep, curled up in a ball and snuggly tucked into the corner of the couch. You grab one of the clean blankets she brought over from her and Tommy’s home, shaking it out before draping it over her. For a while, you too try to sleep. The silence that fills the room stings your ears, it’s a little too quiet and you aren’t used to that. The creatures of the night have become your lullaby and without that, you can’t fall asleep. 

You get up and walk over to the window that looks out the front of your house; grabbing the bottom of the window pane, you push it up, cracking it just a tiny bit. The song of the crickets quietly fills the room, you feel your body ease up. Before you turn to go back to the couch, you notice a figure approaching from the sidewalk path that leads to the main town area, you continue to stand at the window watching them while running your fingers along the paint cracks around the windowsill. When they come out from the shadows of the trees, you recognize who it is. Joel. Everything goes silent again. The moon is casting a soft light across his face; he’s walking slowly and his shoulders are rounded. You continue to watch him as he walks up his porch, disappearing once he closes his front door. What is it about him that makes you so… so stuck? You question yourself, shifting your gaze down to the windowsill which you are still picking at with your fingernail. You let out a heavy sigh, before returning to your spot at the base of the couch, throwing your head back so it rests on the firm cushion. 

-

The next morning comes quickly. You wake up groggier than normal, a feeling of full exhaustion overcoming you once you get up from the floor. You force yourself to get up and join Nessa in the kitchen. She’s sitting at the table flipping through an old magazine. You join her in silence. This is nice, you think. 

Eventually the topic of breakfast comes up as sunlight begins to illuminate the house. You insist on making something for the two of you, since Nessa made dinner last night. It’s only fair, Nessa, you plead. However, she insists on grabbing the community breakfast to go. Nessa, per usual, gets her way. As you wait for her return, you begin to go through the various drawers and cabinets in the kitchen and living room. It looks like Nessa already got a head start this morning before you even woke up. 

The two piles from last night have only grown bigger.. As you continue organizing, a third pile is also created, the ‘don’t know’ pile. This one mainly consists of the personal items that belonged to the previous owners; pictures, old birthday cards, letters, etc. What do I even do with this, you think to yourself as you pull a family photo album from one of the bookshelves. 

The front door knob squeaks as someone– Nessa, turns it and enters through the front door with three large paper bags in her arms.

“Breakfast has arrived,” Her tone is light and playful.

Tommy enters behind her, he’s cradling a stainless steel thermos under his arm that is free of a crutch. 

“I hope you don’t mind me joining,” He says.

“Of course not,” Your sentence comes out in one single breath.

“Just didn’t know if you were sick of me or somethin’,” His back is now towards you as he sets his stuff down on the kitchen counter. Tommy looks over his shoulder at you with a smirk plastered on his face. You walk over to him and playful nudge his shoulder, returning a smile before grabbing three of the mugs that Nessa washed earlier. 

You and Nessa clear off the table in the kitchen, setting the boxes and various items off to the side against the wall. The three of you take a seat and immediately start unloading your paper bags. You pull out three separate containers, the heat radiating through the sides and warming the cold tips of your fingers.

“Mmmm, ” Tommy lets out, rubbing the palms of his hands together. “My favorite.” 

You peer over to him. One container has scrambled eggs with pepper scattered across the top, the smaller container has two small patties, presumably sausage patties, and the third container has mixed fruit. Before starting on his food, Tommy stands up and leans over the table, filling both yours and Nessa’s mug up with the coffee he brought. 

-

“What are your plans for the day, ladies?” Tommy is leaning back in the chair with his arms crossed, a few bites of food remain in the containers. You look towards Nessa, who puts her finger up in the air as she finishes chewing her food.

“Just clean and finish going through the house before heading into town to donate some stuff, then probably look around to see what items they have,” Nessa responds, glancing over to you once she finishes. You nod, not having anything to add. Right now, you’re just following whatever Nessa says or does. 

“That sounds like a fun day” He replies sarcastically, the corners of his lips slighting turn upward.

“Super fun,” You say softly, quickly raising your eyebrows as you take a sip of your coffee. 

-

There's a line when you and Nessa walk up to the donation center, about ten people or so are pressed up against the side of the building trying to find a way out from the direct sunlight. When you get to the back of the line, a man who appears to be just a little bit older than you and Nessa, says the line is moving slow today and that he and his niece had been waiting for nearly half an hour already. Nessa shakes her head, striking up a conversation with the man about how ridiculous the wait times have become. You tune them out, escaping to the depths of your own thoughts.

As you’re kicking at the rocky ground, thinking about God knows what, you hear the steady trot of a horse coming up from behind. Before you can fully turn around, Joel passes by on horseback. The two of you briefly make eye contact as he continues down towards the pathway. There’s nothing of substance in the look he gives, almost as if he looked right through you. Your stomach turns. Where’s he coming from? Your mind begins to wonder before you can stop it, taking a quick look over your shoulder. No, you are supposed to be moving on, another voice takes over and scolds your original thought. You take a final kick at the ground, sending rocks flying forward, before turning to Nessa.

“Where’s he coming from?” You whisper as you lean in closer to her. As much as you don’t want to care about Joel, you’re still curious and curiosity doesn’t hurt, right? She gives you a confused look and you gesture towards the horse who is now a considerable distance away. Nessa goes on her tippy toes, looking over the crowd of people to see who you are referring to. 

“Oh, Joel, ” her voice sounds dry as she speaks his name, her face twists into a semi-disgusted expression. “He does patrol, like checking the outer perimeter for any potential threats to the community, stuff like that.” 

“He goes out alone?” you push the matter further, taking a step backward, creating more distance between you and Nessa. The line moves forwards, and you and Nessa both take a step forward in unison.

“Yeah, well,” Nessa purses her lips, blowing a stray piece of hair out of her face. “He’s not supposed to, but you know, he’s Joel, so… he and Tommy used to do it together, but Tommy got busy helping Maria out with stuff once the community started getting bigger, and no one else wants to accompany him.”

“Why-” You start to say, but Nessa cuts you off before you can complete your question. She’s giving you a tight-lipped smile and you cock your head off to the side, returning a confused expression. You know this look, she’s forcing a smile.

“Looks like we might be here for a while,” she says leaning up against the building’s exterior, turning away from you. When we get up there, let me do the talking, okay?”

She shoots you a wink and you purse your lips, giving her a simple nod in response.

-

It’s now been nearly a week since you’ve arrived, you’ve spent most of your days clearing out your home, trying to make it your own. Since your first night, you’ve only slept downstairs on the couch. The house is just too big, the creeks at night freak you out, often waking you up in the dead of the night. You’ve gone through the majority of the rooms, the children’s rooms were the hardest, you originally thought of just shutting the door, hoping to ignore them for the rest of your time living there, but eventually built up the courage to separate the clothing and toys to send off to be donated. You knew they’d be better put to use by the community than just sitting in a closed off room. There were some things that you couldn’t bear to get rid of, such as the family pictures, it felt wrong; you decided to pack them into a box and placed them in the back of one of the closets in the hall.

As you push the final box near your front door, you notice Nessa coming up the walkway to your porch. You wipe your hands on your pants, opening the door before she’s even made it up your porch. She has a bag in her hand, swinging it side to side as she walks.

“Hey stranger,” you say playfully, she greets you with a large smile as she walks through the door. Without saying anything she extends the bag towards you. When you open it up there's more clothing inside, they look nicer than just everyday clothes. “What are these for?”

“There’s a community get together tonight and you’re coming,” She sounds excited, and your face twists up at the thought of socializing. “Listen, I know that’s never been your thing, but I want you to meet my friends, I think it would do you some good meeting people.”

You toss the bag onto your couch, knowing there is no way she’s going to let you get out of going. She’s watching your face carefully, still smiling. 

“Alright,” you say in a defeated tone. Nessa wraps her arms around you excitedly. 

“Wow, you’ve gotten a lot done.” She pulls away, making a small circle, looking at the different visible parts of the room. She walks over to the boxes stacked by the door. “Sorry I haven’t been able to come over the past few days, they really needed an extra hand with the younger kids at the school.” 

“You’ve done so much for me already,” you drag out. “I’m nearly finished, I just have to drop this stuff off at the donation building sometime.”

Nessa starts nosing her way through the boxes, lifting each flap and looking at whatever is inside. You watch her as she does so.

“If there’s anything you want, you’re more than welcome to take it.” You finally follow up with. Nessa lets out a hum before holding an article of clothing up.

“Isn’t this so sweet,” she swoons. It’s a blue and gray striped baby onesie. You try to hide your discomfort, thinking back on how difficult it was to go through the children’s bedrooms, especially the nursery.

“Yeah, I suppose,” You look down at your feet and nervously thumb at your cuticles. “Like I said, if you want it-”

“I’ll take them,” she quickly says in one continuous breath, picking up the box and balancing it on her hip. If anyone is having kids between the two of us, it will be Nessa, the bittersweet thought made you smile as she looks down at the tiny clothes with joy. “Alright, well, I’ll come and get you in a few hours then, okay?”

You watch her disappear with the box as she walks down the pathway toward her house. 

-

The string lights that hang throughout the community illuminate the walkways. People fill the streets either going into one of two different buildings or hanging off to the sides with drinks in hand. It’s much warmer out tonight, something that signifies summer is just around the corner. As you walk, you’re in a daze, marveling at everything and everyone you pass. You begin to wonder what exactly tonight entails, Nessa didn’t go into much detail other than her friends are going to be there, but there was no doubt about how nervous you currently feel.

A group of men who appear to be around your age look at you as you walk past them, a few of them do a double take and begin to whisper amongst themselves. Your stomach drops, immediately dropping your gaze to look down at your feet. Maybe Joel will be there tonight, you hopelessly think, ultimately concluding that whatever is going on tonight, probably won’t be his kind of thing and even if he was there, he wouldn’t want to be around you.

You snap back to reality when you feel Nessa wrap her fingers around your wrist, pulling you towards a dimly lit building. Now standing on the porch, you can hear a muffled voice coming from inside. She gives you a warm smile before opening the door and pulling you in after her. 

“So…” she starts, leaning in close to your ear to whisper. “This is where they play movies, it's mainly for the kids, but a lot of the parents and older people join in as well. It’s mainly old-timey, boring movies. Nothing we’d be interested in.”

Walking further into the dark space, you see the movie that is being illuminated on the large canvas sheet by a projector. There are several rows of chairs in front of the screen, from what you can tell it appears to be mainly kids sitting in them, the rest of the adults were either standing off to the sides or sitting at the tables in the back. You take a slow scan of the entire room, taking the atmosphere in. She grabs your arm again, pulling you off towards a side door, deep into the building, away from the crowd of people. You look over your shoulder once more.

“Although that is fun, the bar is where the real fun is at,” Nessa has her back against the door, facing you. She’s smiling as she turns the handle with one of her hands. “This is where my friends and I usually hang out, it’s mostly young adults and single middle-aged men… but it’s fun, I promise.”

Groups of people are sitting at tables with drinks playing card games, others playing pool at the table in the middle, and darts off to the side. It was a lot rowdier here, both the music and people’s conversations were loud. As you and Nessa weaved your way through the tables, you noticed people were turning their heads in your direction, some of them turning to whisper something to the person next to them. A heat washed over you, a knot growing in your stomach. The room suddenly felt as if it was on fire. The sound of Nessa’s voice pulls out from your anxious mindset.

“Speaking of my friends,” she spoke cheekily, slapping her hand lightly on the table the two of you just walked up to. “This is Aimee, Heather, Drew, and… James who you already briefly met.” 

James instantly stands up from his chair, his eyes are wide as you two make eye contact. He’s holding his hand out to shake your hand. He seems a lot different than when you interacted with him earlier, now he appears to be more at ease.

“It’s nice to officially meet you,” He leans in so you can hear his voice over the noise.

“You too,” you shout back at him as you retract your hand.

James pulls out the chair next to him, gesturing for you to sit down. You’re somewhat surprised by his friendliness.

The other three aren’t quite as welcoming, Aimee and Heather stare at you with sly smirks plastered across their faces, looking at you up and down as you awkwardly smile at them. Drew is snickering at the other two girls, trying to cover his mouth with his hand, however, his shaking body and beet-red face give it away instantly. Suddenly, he stiffly shoots up from his chair, reaching over the table with his hand extended towards you.

“Yep, it sure is nice to meet you,” He mocks James, who is watching him with his mouth agape in awe. James rolls his eyes, turning his body away from the group, propping his head up with his hand. You uncomfortably shift in your chair, and hesitantly bring your hand from underneath the table up to shake Drew’s hand. 

“You too,” you say so quietly you doubt anyone heard, you barely said it loud enough for yourself to hear. You give him a loose, short-lived handshake, before bringing your hand back underneath the table and rubbing your sweaty palms against the rough fabric of your jeans. 

“They’re messing around,” Nessa leans in and shouts in your ear. You raise your eyebrows as she pulls back and gives her a single nod. Fucking assholes, you think as you look around the room, scrunching your nose. In your sitting position, you can’t see much other than the people standing and the other tables around you. 

Nessa and the others immediately get lost in a conversation, you let your eyes continue to wander around, looking at the metal signs and license plates that lined the walls, and the string lights that lit up the room. The sound of the scratchy music comforted you, although it was quite loud. At some point, James brings you over a drink, and you all clink your glasses together. You feel uncomfortable being here. It is not because you’re new or because you were never really much of a social person, Nessa’s friends, apart from James, attributed to this discomfort.

“I’m going to go grab a round for the table,” Nessa put her hand on your shoulder and pushed herself up. The two of you made eye contact, your eyes pleading ‘Please don’t leave me alone with these people.’ She must’ve not picked up on the urgency in your eyes, or maybe she didn’t think it was urgent, because she quickly turned away and disappeared in the crowd. 

“So, you were out there with Joel?” Heather shouts over the table in a thick, fake southern accent, giving a devilish smile to Drew and Aimee. James’ face tightens at the sound of Joel’s name. Before responding, you look toward the direction Nessa went, hoping she’d magically appear and take over the conversation. Your mouth suddenly became dry. 

“Yeah… and Tommy, but yeah,” You respond, sort of confused as to where this was going.

“ And, how was it?” She shot back, her face conveyed some sort of innocence, but her eyes told a completely different story. 

“He’s super fucking weird huh?” Aimee adds, causing Drew to choke on his drink, he covers his mouth with the glass to hide his smile. You draw your brows together, slightly puzzled and looking between everyone at the table. 

“ Aimee,” Heather shouts sharply and hardens her eyes. Aimee recoils at the sudden hostility in Heather’s voice, crossing her arms and slouching. Heather turns her attention back toward you, not saying anything, just cocking her head as if she was urging you to answer the question.

“I mean, not really,” You say slowly and scoffing.

“Oh , wait,” Heather gasps, the whole table is now looking at her, her gasp even piquing James’ curiosity. “You're not, like, his girlfriend are you?”

Aimee lightly hits her arm, laughing in the process and Drew grabs onto Aimee’s arm, his face going red again. You feel a heat of anger wash over you.

“Would it be a problem if I was?” You spit back. The sly remarks remind you of high school, something you were never too fond of, and with Joel being the subject of the talk, it made your blood boil.

“Heather-” James starts, tightening his grip on his glass, his knuckles turning white and blood pooling in his fingertips under the pressure.

“James… what? He’s a drunk and freaks everyone the fuck out, shouldn’t we warn our new friend about him,” James straightens his posture, his jaw tightening as he shifts his eyes in the opposite direction of her. You follow his gaze and realize Nessa is standing behind you, she has a smile plastered on her face and her cheeks are stained pink. She lets out a loud sigh.

“I just wish he’d stop coming back,” she says loud enough for everyone to hear, setting down the drinks in the center of the round table. You furrow your brows in confusion. She what? “I can’t believe Maria keeps allowing him back in, I mean, I know it’s Tommy who’s convincing her but damn, you’d think she’d put her foot down eventually.” 

You abruptly shoot up from your chair, the chair bumping into the person behind you. The whole table as well as the other people around you are now staring, not saying a thing. Heather and Aimee are both trying to hide their giggles, putting their hands over their mouths and grabbing at each other. Your eyesight narrows and you give Nessa a disappointed look before turning away from the table and walking towards the bar. 

“Looks like Joel-y found ‘imself a girlfriend,” you hear faintly as you take a few steps away from the table, a tall man is blocking you from going anywhere.

“Makes sense,” says another.

You swiftly turn around, wanting to tell them off, how could someone be so horrible, you think. One of the girls, you think it’s Heather, makes eye contact with you and points. Everyone except James, who has his head in the palms of his hands, looks at you. Nessa gives you a look of desperation. 

“She just doesn’t get it guys, she’s been through a lot… and doesn’t know how Joel really is yet, like all she knows is him and Tommy, so…” she explains, you roll your eyes and begin pushing against the tall man’s back, trying to squeeze past him.

-

As you push through the crowd, your head is becoming heavier and heavier by the second and your vision is starting to blur around the edges. You can feel the thickness in your chest as you breathe. When you finally make it through, your eyes focus on one particular secluded seat, far away from everyone else. 

You rush over to the seat, keeping your eyes locked on it. When you take a seat you immediately put your face in the palms of your hands. A mixture of embarrassment and anger surges through your body. You felt overwhelmed from the moment you stepped into the bar, and the situation with Nessa’s friends made it worse. Everything in the room seems to be louder than it is- the music, people talking, it’s all unnecessary noise. Your head begins to feel fuzzy, you can feel your body wobbling on the barstool and grab the edge to stabilize yourself. 

You hear a muffled voice, but you're too trapped in your internal panic to make out what they’re saying, you can’t get yourself to even move your head in the direction it came from. Your chest rises deeply and then falls quickly. Focusing on the rugged grains of the wooden surface of the bar, your vision begins to become sporadic, with black splotches emerging and dancing around. You feel yourself wobble once again, this time your hand slips as you attempt to grab onto something. 

You suddenly feel a hand loop around your waist from the person sitting next to you, pulling you towards them as your body begins to tilt off to the side. You go to say something but stop when you realize it's Joel. As you straighten your posture, he lets his hand drop, returning it to his glass. He looks concerned. You can feel a sense of relief wash over you, his eyes melting into yours; every nerve in your body instantly becomes calm.

“Are you okay?” He seems genuine when he speaks, his eyebrows slightly raising as he leans in closer to you.

read chapter nine here!

painting divider | credit: @cottage-writings

#farmerlarrry #joel miller #joel miller angst #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fic #joel miller x fem!reader #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x oc #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you

[canmom]

just wanted to say i have really enjoyed your umineko and baru commentaries! i caught a glimpse of your latest Tyrant piece and decided to go back and read from the beginning... it was very funny to see how lukewarm you were on Baru on first reading, given how much it grew on you. Similar thing with your Umineko liveblog, actually- the "notes from the future" that felt like you were dragging your hands down your face and groaning at your past self were... very relatable. i, too, used to approach media analysis like that, i'm just lucky enough to not have it memorialized anywhere. excited to see you continuing episode four, it's one of my favorites!

thank you so much, I really appreciate this message!! I'm glad someone appreciated those 'notes from the future', I've gotten some shit for them.

it's funny how people change isn't it? on some level it's interesting to have this record of my worldview (or at least taste in fiction) changing, even if i look back at things I wrote even a few years ago and often cringe at the person I used to be - not really healthy...

it's really good when i don't cringe tho - I've reread some of my old stories lately, some that I don't even remember writing, and I'm actually quite charmed by them. they're honestly better than I tended to assume and I can really see what I was going for and they scratch a lot of personal itches (because I wrote them!) but I can still approach them as a reader since I don't really remember how they went. it's neat. wish I'd spent more time writing stories and less time getting mad at things on the internet or sitting around being depressed but 仕方がない - my brain was still in the oven at that point...

Anyway no time like the present! Most founders of major world religions were in their thirties too I found out recently. I've got a backlog of stuff to dust off and release and projects in the works so...

Returning to reading stuff, fiction can really worm its way inside you. When I read Baru I was ambivalent about that gut punch ending, now I kind of crave that kind of thing done right, I just needed to experience some sufficiently sharply written examples. I came to appreciate more and more what Baru was doing the more I wrapped my brain around it. I like to play the connoisseur curator with wide ranging interests and an analytical attitude... but on some level I definitely still do the fan thing. And actually enthusiasm is good! You can totally make 'nuts about this specific thing' part of a persona (c.f. toskarin over there...)

Thanks for this message! I'm excited to get back to Umineko, and to find out how the rest of ep 4 and the Answer arc will change me too...

[i--antimony]

didn't poast last week so this is a two-week extravaganza post! con: got roped into DMing dnd pro: none of these fools have read mdzs so i can steal plots from there. hope the party is ready to be lead on a quest by a disembodied arm!

listening: oh shit SO many things. i will not be linking to all of them.

depeche mode: basically just their top songs on spotify, not any specific album. strong shoutout to 'shake the disease' and 'wrong' (which featured in my secret samol post!)

disturbed: ditto

franz ferdinand: albums 'hits to the head' and 'tonight'. throwbacks

phoenix: 'wolfgang amadeus phoenix' ditto throwback

inxs: 'x' DITTO throwback. doesn't hit the same as when i first listened to em years ago unfortunately

streetlight manifesto: album 'somewhere in the between'

boy and bear: 'harlequin dream'

sammy rae: 'let's throw a party', 'the good life', and their 'everybody wants to rule the world' cover

hozier: 'wasteland baby' and 'unreal unearth'

paramore: album 'this is why'

grizzly bear: 'veckatimiest' and 'painted ruins'

haken: their newest album 'fauna' because i'm thinking about whether or not to go to one of their shows in feb (leaning towards yes right now)

my SO's pinecore playlist

shosty symphony no 5 (<3)

and, finally, a lot of borodin symphony no. 1 in e flat and the last two movements of rimsky-korsakov golden cockerel because that's what the youth orchestra i'm volunteering with is playing right now haha

for podcasts, i've listened to the new counter/weight prequel eps! i'm so charmed to see these characters again. i still haven't finished millenium break holiday special because i lost my spot when a bunch of an episode played without sound by accident so i finally went and scrubbed back to the beginning of the episode (it's the second to last part) so by next week i will FINALLY be out of holiday special zone.

reading: finished rereading tgcf lol,,, in loving memory of square checkbox: apparently apple is switching to circle ones? hateful wikipedia page for kessler syndrome my friend @celestialtourguide sent me a dm to ask about a few of the characters in this manuscript and i was immediately charmed by it. it's so pretty, i loved the informational blurbs, just really cool stuff. it was already on waybackmachine but i've gone ahead and updated it.

watching: kurtis conner looksmaxxing. weird little subculture peek. rewatched sideways' why the music in cats 2019 is worse than you thought because my roommate was interested. this led us to the same channel's why avatar has the most ironic soundtrack of all time because roommate misread ironic as iconic and she really likes that movie. no accounting for taste, but aight. much more interesting than i thought it would be. that video then lead us to tony hinnigan's woodwind demos because hell fuckin yes. big-ass panpipes.

i've been keeping up on dunmeshi anime in little watch sessions with my SO, and also am working through kill la kill with him! i've seen it before but he has not so i'm really enjoying that.

playing: fallow.

making: i managed to finish my secret samol gift in time for reveal day!!! comics are fuckin hard dude!!!! i don't know if i'll be doing it again but it was a fun challenge. i decided to use a New App for some reason instead of procreate because procreate has not been hitting right and i wanted comic half tone brushes for this project. app is called sketchbook, it's an orange icon with a pencil on it. shrug! it's fine! i'll probably keep using it for a bit. started working on an english paper piecing project! soliciting tips for that because right now my method is: cut out hexagon using pattern piece i made to be 1/4 in larger all around than the template, gluestick template onto hexagon, baste edges down neatly, whip-stitch right sides together. remove template once all six sides have something attached. i'm sure there's a better way to streamline this process, i'll have to experiment. this will end up as a dice bag i think.

finally, pottery starts again this week! so next week will have some of that in here

eating: ah beans i did not do a good job keeping track of this. uh. made the ground pork & cabbage thing again because my roommate got SO much napa cabbage for making kimchi and we had a shitload left over. napa cabbage isn't as good as a more standard cabbage for this imo, standard cabbage tends to be a little sweeter i think once it's cooked in? idk. had some stage 5 mental illness moments last week trying to cook dinner on a very short time scale with lots of other shit to do, following a recipe because fucking of course my roommate wanted me to cook with a recipe that night. anyways.

misc: like said at the top, somehow i managed to sign up for Another Activity god damn it. so now every saturday evening i run dnd. tl;dr i'm in a group irl that meets biweekly, someone who i give a lift to for that was complaining in the car that their other online group's dm ragequit after his encounter wasn't well-balanced (skill issue) and before thinking about it i just was like oh well i could probably step in if you need! god damn ittttt lol i have missed dming so it should be fun. i vibe checked them for a session 0 last week and they seem chill and honestly shouldn't be too much work on my end, especially if i yoink plots from mdzs ha ha ha. other than that, all is basically well. i've settled back into a schedule, applied for some summer positions (!), and absolutely hate the amount of busy work in one of my two classes. yippee

#tuesdayposting

[timeofjuly]

Hey July, can I ask how do you write and portray MC’s past addiction? What’s your process like? What were some hurdles that make it hard to write for them? How did you decide that this was essential to their backstory?

I really like MC, I think their character is really important, like how you can come from a nice home, have a living family, go to a good school, have friends, and still have an addiction. I think it’s really good to see characters like them. I think it helps destigmatize what addiction can look like, and what recovery can look like/how it differs from person to person.

(Keep up the good work!! I’m re-reading chpt. 9 & 10! So good!!)

Hey! You absolutely can! I’m so happy you’re enjoying and rereading! That’s the biggest compliment ever.

MC came into my head readymade with a set of characteristics and being a recovering drug addict was one of them. I sort of built the story around that. Writing it is a mixture of lived experience and research (google, talking to and being around people with more lived experience than me). In terms of hurdles, I want to treat the topic with respect and a degree of realism that I wouldn’t necessarily apply to other things, so that’s always in the back of my mind. I also worry about appropriately tagging stuff.

Since MC was a recovering addict from the very begining, the entire plot has kinda flowed from that original concept. It coloured a lot of what the story and MC looks like now. Parts of MC’s backstory, though, including her coming from a nice home with caring, well-off parents, actually didn’t just stem from that idea. That decision came from a few reasons:

There’s the one you listed, relating to MC’s addiction, which was probably like 80% of the decision

The thought that if MC had a shitty home life and relationship with her parents, literally everyone in that house would have some kind of mommy/daddy issues and that was just Too Much for me.

And then I kept seeing this clip and imagining it in the context of MC being the only one in that house NOT to have mommy/daddy issues. The idea was so funny to me then and still is now. MC would have the only set of in-laws to go around that many people. They go to her family’s holiday events every single time. MC is the only one who doesn’t laugh at the dark child abuse jokes. If anyone else in that house opens their mouth and starts talking about childhood, you know it’ll be a depressing story. Not MC! MC’s parents are great.

I am so happy you’re liking MC’s character!

#rtc asks #July talks RTC #the electrician

[nellasbookplanet]

I was tagged by the wonderful @kmackatie, thank you!

Last song/piece I listened to: not to sound like a huge killjoy, but I don't listen to all that much music lol. I can't really have music on in the background when writing/doing work where I need to think (too easily distracted) and when i do more mindless work i prefer to listen to audiobooks or podcasts over music. Mostly I listen to music while driving, but I can't stand commercials and my car doesn't have bluetooth so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Probably the last full song I listened to was the Critical Role opening theme, which feels on brand.

Last book I read: I just finished Max Gladstone's (one of the authors behind This is How You Lose the Time War!) Empress of Forever earlier today! A woman gets transported into the far future by a mysterious all-powerful space empress and must assemble a crew of misfits to fight her and get back home. It was a bit more episodic than I prefer, but overall a lot of fun with some Wild worldbuilding and good characters. Also, it's very gay, which is always a plus.

Last film I watched: I'm not sure actually? I tried watching The Witches of Eastwick a bit ago but dropped it. I'm planning to watch The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster (frankenstein retelling!) soon though!

Last TV series: I watched an episode of Resident Alien the other day (an alien has crash landed on Earth and is hiding in a small community as he tries to repair his spaceship. also he's planning to destroy Earth, but first he needs to survive Living Around People, and also he really wants to solve this murder and prove he's cooler than the town doctor while he's at it, he'll get around to the destruction later) and have yet to decide whether I'll continue watching it or not. I enjoy the premise and the characters but the humor doesn't entirely work for me.

Last thing I googled: something about archives for my masters. did you know there are so many different definitions of an archive. too many in fact. but also i'm about to invent a new one.

Last thing I ate: An apple lol. I had pasta for dinner though.

Sweet, Savory or Spicy: Probably savory. I love sweet stuff but mostly in dessert form, and while I enjoy a bit of spice my tolerance for when it stops being taste and starts being Pure Pain is pretty low.

Amount of sleep: never enough even with naps. Which reminds me I should start getting ready for bed 😔

Currently reading: Too many books. I just picked up Abbadon's Gate (part 3 of the Expanse series, space and horrific aliens and body horror my beloved). I'm also sporadically listening to The Wandering Inn (it is. very long. it's got some interesting things going on but I'm not a fan of the whole levelling concept, but I should've known that going in) and trying to read Jonathan Sim's Family Business (it's good I'm just bad at reading these days, I've been picking away at this book for weeks and it's very spooky). I'm also rereading Things That Gods Despise by dawl-and-dapple for bookbinding purposes, it's one of my favorite fics!

Not entirely sure how many have already done this thing yet, so if you've been double-tagged (or don't feel like it) feel free to ignore, but I'm tagging @mllekurtz, @aravhy and @howlsmovinglibrary!

#i do have a bad habit of picking up too many books at once #but a lot of my reading headspace goes into academic articles and stuff right now. (same with writing headspace) #anyway this was fun! i need to go to bed #rambles #hm. realizing i haven’t purposefully listened to a song in a while made me want to pick up my guitar

[satancopilotsmytardis]

It was hard to choose but these two☆,♦️and Shigadabi tickled my fancy the most (either or both I don't mind, I'm just indecisive). I recently realized how many fics you've created (and published) while I've been following you (your in the 40's on AO3 now!) And I've gone back to the start and decided to reread them all ( - Dogteeth, I love it but it kills me every time). I love all your fics so much, id forgotten in the beginning that I'd finished all your bnha fics (at the time) and saw you had done Gravity falls as well and draged myself back into a fandom I hadn't been in in years just so I could read more if your writing, I have to go back and finish that series it was fire (different to how you write now but I really enjoyed it!) Wow that's a lot of parentheses (sorry!) :) Have fun creating!

Hey Celcil! Thanks so much, and yeah it's been a LOT of stuff over the past 9 months, but I just really like these characters and have no self-restraint! I hope you have a good time going back and re-reading the other stories, and I'm so glad you enjoyed Signal Flares! I loved that story a lot when I first started working on it and there actually is a final installment that I'll be writing someday if I get the inspiration! (I have the whole outlined and everything!) I hope you're doing well!

Headcanons!

☆ - happy headcanon

Dabi: happiest when he has something to do. He never likes feeling useless or idle and whenever he's doing something that means his mind isn't wandering to the bad things. This man has weaponized his smile and laughter, so when he's actually really enjoying something, he often looks kind of stoic and uninterested, but in his head, he's purring. He likes spending time around the people he loves and if he's being quiet and not mocking them at all, it means he's as content as he can be.

Shigaraki: He's pretty unabashed with his emotions and it's not hard to know when something has made him happy because he will readily give a big (and sometimes a little creepy) smile or a laugh. Usually happiest hanging out playing games or working on something with one of the others. It was really weird to see him so stoic and unattached after Kamino, but he gets his joy back during PLF Era and he thinks it's kind of funny and cute that all of the others seem to relax and brighten up themselves whenever he smiles or laughs at one of their jokes or antics.

♦ - quirks/hobbies headcanon

Dabi: As far as quirks go (in the figurative sense), he has a habit of chewing on the staples in his cheeks when he's idle or nervous. It's a bad habit that is kind of gross, bad for his teeth, and hurts, but he can't seem to kick it. Hobby-wise I like to think that he has started to develop his own support gear. It's slow-going given he's entirely self-taught, but if this will give him a better chance of taking down his father then he's more than willing to try it.

Shigaraki: Quirk-wise, I think that when he wants to stay up (and perhaps slip into the Shadow Realm) he drinks coffee with an energy drink poured into it. As for hobbies, we all know he plays a lot of games. (His other hobby is railing Dabi in new and creative ways, but Dabi really doesn't appreciate being called a 'hobby')

#tanco speaks #ask #asks #headcanon meme

[nedjemetsenen]

Why do Fanfic writers generally hate “constructive” criticism?

This is a topic that comes across my dash a couple times a month, but those posts generally focus on how unsolicited criticism is rude. Today, I wanted to take a moment to talk about the ways that it’s also generally useless even if you’re trying to be helpful. To do this, I will be using examples from my own comment section, but please do not seek those comments out. This post is about informing, not about creating a hate mob.

Issue One: You don't know if your criticism is already known

No story is perfect. There will always be flaws. Sometimes you find a flaw that the author can improve on. Sometimes you pick up on something that the author accepted as a flaw during the writing process for whatever reason. It may have been because they're writing for fun. It may have been because they liked the flawed version of the story better than the story without the flaw. It may be because they genuinely didn't know how to fix it, but still wanted to tell the story flaw and all.

To give an example of this, here’s an excerpt from a truly lovely comment where the person also tried to give some helpful feedback:

you did a fantastic job with the characters you altered to fit the story. They were mostly rounded and felt like whole people instead of cardboard cut-outs. However, this made the characters that you didn't change feel very flat. [List of characters] often felt like window dressing, like they were included solely because they were part of the original show.

This is exactly why those characters showed up in that fic and the issue of them being window dressing isn’t something that I introduced. It’s a flaw in the original work. To fix this issue, I would have cut these characters or merged them into one character. But this wasn’t original fiction. It was fanfiction, so I decided to sacrifice quality for the sake of honoring the source as it felt wrong to remove these guys when they’re a classic part of the roster. I also actively chose to not develop them more as it would have killed the pacing and added nothing to the story I was trying to tell. There are characters that I arguably should have given more screen time to in that fic, but these were not those characters.

Issue Two: Timeliness

Unless the story is newly published, you have no idea if your criticism is still useful. Even if it is newly published, how long has the fic been going for? Are you critiquing a chapter from 3 years ago or last week? Unless it’s the latest chapter, you don’t know. Even if it is the latest chapter, you don’t know when it was written. Sometimes people find an old work of theirs and just post it without editing because they don’t want to edit and they know people will enjoy the story as-is. Sometimes people write the whole fic and then post it week by week while they work on the next one.

I recently had someone ask me for some feedback on a section of dialogue and I pointed out an area for potential improvement. The person who asked for the feedback has read some of my stuff and pointed out that I’d used a similar technique in a fic and they were absolutely correct. I had. But the fic was a few years old and I simply haven’t yet taken the time to go back and edit all 100k+ of it. I write at least a quarter of a million words every year and that means that I’m always learning. It’s incredibly rare for me to reread an old piece of mine without finding something to edit. It won’t always be something major, but it’s there. Waiting. Taunting me.

Along similar lines, if you're pointing out a flaw that's specific to the story, I'm not sure what you're expecting to happen next. While some writers go back and edit old works (I certainly have), a lot of writers consider older works done and prefer to focus on new ones.

Issue Three: Most people are shockingly bad at giving good constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism is a skill that you have to learn and practice. It’s also genuinely difficult to learn as it's the difference between helping a person tell the story that you want to read and helping them tell the best version of the story that they want to tell. The first is not good crit, but it is the crit that most people give.

There are times when I’ll beta for a fic and think “that character would never do that”, but that’s terrible feedback because I’m imposing my version of the character over the author’s take on the character and they’re not trying to tell a story with my headcanons. They’re using theirs and my job as an editor/beta is to accept that and help them tell their story as best they can.

I've also been given feedback like this. Here’s an excerpt from a comment where someone pointed out something that they didn’t like in one of my fics:

it's cute to see him like this once in a while but he's a grown man and "adorable" feels a little out of place in this situation

This is utterly useless feedback and I will die on that hill. In my opinion, I wrote this character perfectly because this is how I see him. It’s my headcanon and the version of him that you'll see in all of my fics. What’s funny is that I actually think that I got the female lead in this story a bit wrong. I should have toned her down, but this was early in my journey to learn these characters and then we’re back to issue two.

Final Thoughts

If an author asks for constructive criticism, then absolutely feel free to give it to them, but if you've ever wondered why most authors don't, the above is probably why. It's why I only welcome grammatical corrections and historical/cultural accuracy corrections on my own fics. Those are the only comments that I've ever found useful.

There are times when I seek out other types of feedback. I just don't get it from random readers after the story is already published. I get it from select individuals during the writing process and that's the feedback process favored by most writers as it's the one that's most likely to lead to improvement.

If you ever come across a fic that you love, but you feel like it could use an editor, my advice is to leave a comment saying how much you love the story and then offer to beta read (the fandom word for an editor. No I don't know why fandom has a different definition for that word than the definition used in the publishing industry. It just is what it is.) And if you don't want to take the time to beta for someone, that's okay! But if you don't want to make the massive time commitment to truly help the person improve, then maybe don't give unsolicited feedback that's more likely to make them stop writing altogether? I promise you, that person will improve on their own just by writing more. I certainly did! If you read the fanfic that I wrote when I was 13, you'd be shocked by how bad it is compared to my current stuff.

I personally consider that fact a source of pride.

#fandom #writing fanfic #fanfiction #not a call out of any sort #It just seems like people are genuinely confused why fanfic writers don't want feedback and so I figured I'd give my personal logic #I like to improve but I do it in my own manner

[sergeifyodorov]

I just reread strange trails and I'd love to know your inspirations for it! Your ideas behind the worldbuilding, the genesis of the plot, all that good stuff if you'd like to share!

the backstory

im a college student and was unemployed all summer. in order to pass the time while waiting for local jobs to reject me i started a crochet project. throughout pretty much the entire month of june. and possibly also may. i would make my squares and listen to the strange trails album. straight through. every day. i may have gone a little bit insane.

but it's okay. i'm already insane.

lord huron (the band who made the album) has like. lore. am i familiar with this lore? no i am not. am i aware nonetheless that there is lore? yes absolutely. if you listen to their discography there's definitely lore -- recurring themes (resurrection, adventuring, magical seductive women, etc), motifs (depends on the album but strange trails is big on flowers, trees, snow, although there is one song that's set in the desert), characters (they keep mentioning a guy called the world ender.) anyHway the point of all of this is that the music is [solid 7.5 out of 10 but it scratches my exact brain itches] and very evocative of the imagery and idea of a deeper world. my favourite off the album (and one of my favourites in the discography) is la belle fleur sauvage, which tells the listener about a long perilous quest for some mythical thing (a flower. also a woman. metaphor), although one of the ones whose imagery i enjoyed the most is frozen pines, which is a little less concrete but invokes images of cold, the side of a mountain, strange happenings, etc.

the idea

those songs are definitely the most direct inspiration for it but unfortunately my process for developing ideas is kind of terrible because it involves less "sitting down and coming up with stuff" and more "wait for a 60% formed idea to smack you upside the head like rapunzel in tangled and her cast-iron frying pan." which quinn and his sad little corpse did.

if you go back far enough in the quinnfic tag on my blog u can see the post right after it Happened. the idea was literally "quinn hughes carries a corpse up a mountain, and horror."

so i take this little piece of grit from which my pearl of questionable moral integrity will be built and i ask it questions. first off: quinn, why are you on that mountain? who is the corpse? is anyone else with you? soon enough petey decided to join him (although quinn is and was always the protagonist/pov character). the body was The Ghost Of Vancouver before it was brock over top of that.

another inspiration, which i realize i'm leaving out, is this

this is artist grayson perry's work "hold your beliefs lightly" from tomb of the unknown craftsman, and this image of a long perilous upward journey towards some sacred place really combined together with la belle fleur sauvage to form the base idea of the world for the work.

and of course why would you carry a corpse up a mountain to some sacred place if you couldn't resurrect it at the end?

quinn

im big on metaphor. if i'm writing something long it has to have a Point to it, some larger theme than romance and stuff (this is mostly because i'm bad at writing romance)(and also big on curses and the like.) and also because quinn hughes asexual barb i never fucked/i never fucked/all my life man, fucks sake. this was also being written right before the peak of Canucks Captaincy Debate, and in our hearts didn't we all know quinn was going to be the one to wear the c?

so it became pretty clear pretty quick that as well as my attempt at writing horror that this was going to be a quinn character study -- and this is where i should talk about my other fic scheherazade.

in scheherazade, auston actually doesn't make a lot of choices -- he tags along, arguing with the narrator/bill, and only starts to take an active role in the way the story is going near the end, when he finally gets sick of it all. quinn, however, is not at all the same kind of person as auston. he's less artistic and more practical; an older brother instead of a younger one; jewish; not nearly so squeamish. he takes an active role in the story from the very beginning, showing up to the base of the mountain with his pack full, both prepared and not for what lies ahead.

the mountain

vancouver is smack in the middle of the north shore mountains, so there's a million hiking trails about, but the one i can most easily think of (as someone who hasn't been to vancouver in several years) is the grouse grind trail, a popular and fairly short trail that the canucks prospects actually do every year, so i knew quinn and petey (both vancouver draftees) would be familiar. i've never actually done the grouse grind, which was part of the reason i decided to kind of. toy with reality. you can't call me out on inaccuracy when it's Not Real On Purpose (although the sign at the 1/4 mark is copied directly from photos i've seen.)

petey and the plot

once i added petey, i knew i'd have to get rid of him -- a lot of the scene ideas were quinn-only, and petey's way too sarcastic and useless (AFFECTIONATE) to engage seriously with the ideas presented to him like quinn would and did. so i needed to divide them up.

the original plot idea from the outline is actually pretty similar up until the end of chapter 6 (the conversation w the ghost), but it differs in a few crucial ways -- one, quinn breaks down again, crying and everything, and two, he actually does go through with the resurrection instead of using his wish to get petey down the mountain safely. i realized around then that this wouldn't work with the quinn i'd created, especially after his argument with the ghost: he's far less focused on glory than stability, less interested in the cup or his contract and more interested in the safe long bet than high rolling. in a cold, wet environment like the mountain it's a lot easier to get hypothermia without noticing than it is in a dry environment, even if the dry environment is several degrees colder than the wet one. and quinn would know that, having seen petey's thin little sweater and knowing his stubborn ass is going to freeze.

so after that it became about hypothermia. i actually had a bit of a writing pause after this because i knew i was going off-outline, so i had to kind of inch ahead until i knew where i was going. but i'm happy with how it turned out!

#asks #quinnfic #hope this satisfies ur curiosity anon!