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voidpetrova · 3 months

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a little less lonely II — jj maybank x reader

part one can be found here

☄. *. ⋆ content warning(s) & genre: swearing, slight suggestive themes, alcohol consumption — angst, fluff

˚♡ ｡˚ synopsis: all you wanted from him was an escape, a way out. all he wanted was to show you the way back in.

✧.*

the universe had a way of being cruel, starting up twisted games that nobody really had interest in playing. the night was always much kinder, much more peaceful. full of secrets, more than anything. even as the stars shined, offering a token of temporary peace and quiet, everyone revealed their true colors under the blanket of black.

when your eyes had first fluttered open, there wasn't much for you to register. you flinched, welcoming the pounding headache you knew was awaiting you. it was the first thing you had registered, unable to ignore the way your head screamed, as if telling you off for every decision you had made just hours ago.

you blinked a few times, trying to get yourself together. “fuck,” you whispered under your breath, sighing as the pain spread from the top to the very back of your head. your fingers traced the thick material of your bedsheets, pressing them into your naked flesh as a familiar heat engulfed you. you straighted your neck, positioning yourself on your lower back as your eyes shot to your side.

jj was still asleep, blond hair caressing his forehead as he remained in a peaceful slumber. you couldn't help but smile at him, watching the way he didn't budge, arms still halfway around your waist. you had never seen him more calm, at peace. you sure as hell weren't planning on waking him.

everything that had happened the previous night dawned upon you in a slow, orderly fashion. you reached out for your nightstand, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from the drawer. as you carefully lighted one, you had all the time in the world to think. you had agreed to something stupid, something that would put a permanent fent in your friend group if ever to be exposed. the thought of it sent a shiver down your spine, especially knowing how you and john b were on shaky ground. you took a long drag, careful to exhale away from jj.

whatever happened last night didn't happen for no reason, that didn't go unnoticed. what if there truly was something more to your relationship with jj, something that went above and beyond a rebound? you smoked away as you thought about the way he stroked your hair, the way he held your hand—during such an intimate moment. it could have been a ruse, just a way to keep you in bed. it could have been something more, his way of telling you, he was still yours.

“no invite?” your head snapped in his direction, thoughts disappearing into thin air. his eyes were open, and you couldn't help but wonder how long he had really been staring. “and here i was thinking we were getting somewhere.”

you smiled at him, matching the teasing smile of his own. quick to retrieve your cigarettes and lighter, you held the box of marlboro reds in front of him, allowing him to join you despite having just awoken. “did i wake you up?” he shook his head, morning cigarette pressed between his lips as he brought the lighter in, inhaling the smoke as he lit the tip up. “wish you had, it's kinda late.”

it was only ten in the morning, but you had grown quite fond of waking up around six, you were both usually filled with things to do. you watched him smoke—it was your turn to watch. once he had met your gaze, he couldn't help but smile. “relieved to see you, actually,” he paused, taking a longer drag. “thought you'd be long gone by now.”

your heart sank at his words, smile fading as you peeled your eyes off him. would that have been the better option, letting him wake up to nothing but a cold spot, with no one to talk to? would it have saved you both the pain, leaving before he could gain consciousness? it might have, but you couldn't find it in your heart to leave, almost as if you wanted to stay.

“no reason for that, jay,” you assured, but you didn't know how affective nor comforting your words were. “we're friends, after all. aren't we?”

for a good minute, you earned no response from him. the silence was suffocating, and you had regret the answer the minute it passed your lips. you didn't know whether to say something or not, make up for the obliviously insulting question or not, but jj had decided to fill in the blanks. “that's how we're gonna play, really?” the smile that had been so welcoming just a few minutes prior had faded long ago.

“what do you want me to say, jj?” you sighed as you brought what was left of your cigarette to your lips a final time. you inhaled as much as you could, leave only the filter you were quick to put out. “you've got a girl waiting for you back home.”

he clenched his jaw as he processed your answer. it was almost as if he couldn't believe what you were saying. “can't believe you think i want anything to do eith kiara.” you scoffed, retorting with an answer you had thought of being more light-hearted than anything, but today truly wasn't your day. “why wouldn't i? she's who you left me for.”

the second your answer hung in the air, jj found himself turning around, extinguishing his cigarette before pushing you back down. you were startled, ready to fight him off as he nearly crawled onto you, hands on your chest as he held you down. “jj, what the fuck are you doing?” you struggled under his touch, but he only pushed harder, and you found it impossible to escape his grasp. he did his best to be as gentle as possible, having no interest in harming you.

“i know what i did,” was the first thing he said, and you listened. the smell of cigarettes filled your nostrils. his tone was steady, voice soft. “i'm reminded of it every single day. not by john b, not by you. by me. i wake up every day, and i live with the mistake i made. i've earned your friendship and your forgiveness, but losing you is something i'll never forgive myself for. last night wasn't me rebounding from kiara, but from you. it didn't work all those years ago, and it didn't work now.”

you listened, you were so grateful you did. at a loss for words, all you could do was return his gaze, and wonder how honest he was really being. he had just poured his heart out to you, and in that moment, he wasn't the boy who had cheated on you anymore, just a boy living with the consequences of his own choices. you had gone silent for far too long, earning a sigh from him. in that moment, his grip loosened as he pushed himself off, eyes bathed in disappointment. he had his feet on the floor, spinning around towards the door, ready to leave more than ever.

“jay, don't go,” was all you could utter out. it was enough to stop him in his tracks. “please.”

he faced the door quietly, still prepared for anything despite his stillness. you wrapped the sheet around your bare body once more, now leaning forward. “we can talk about it, don't go. we can figure something out.”

for a second, there was hope. his eyes lit up at your answer, although his hand remained steady on the doorknob. he thought about what you said, heart thumping in his chest. finally, he turned towards you, your eyes locking in an instant. “you really mean that?” his voice was just above a whisper, you couldn't remember the last time you had seen him so vulnerable.

“of course i do,” you assured. “not gonna lie and say i didn't feel anything last night, jj.”

the emotional turmoil you had been experiencing ever since you had agreed to his stupid proposal, was overwhelming. you had gotten so used to the way things had been for so long—you and john b, kie and jj. that's the way it had been for such a long time, it was what everyone had gotten used to. that didn't mean, however, that it was the way things shoul've been. the spark that had been ignited between you and john b was blown out by a cruel fate, but that also meant jj showing up at your door last night was no coincidence.

“oh, yeah?” he murmured, now taking steps right back towards you. “what'd you feel? what do you feel now?” he was inches in front of you, staring down at you as you gazed up at him. your breath hitched in your throat as you searched for the right words to express your dismay. you couldn't get yourself to focus, not with him in front of you, in nothing but his boxers, giving you a better view than anticipated for a moment like this.

jj caught on quickly, a sly smirk painting his lips which only earned an eye roll from you. “i thought all i wanted from you was a good fuck,” you finally admitted. he listened carefully, smirk dropping in an instant as he prayed, and boy did he pray, that a second chance was in the works. “then i woke up, and i didn't see john b. i saw you, and i wasn't disappointed or worried. i was relieved the second i saw you.”

he licked his lips, trying to ignore the way his heart pounded in his chest. he swore he felt it flutter, the way a schoolgirl felt butterflies in her stomach after having her first kiss on a school playground. “would you have felt better if it was john b?” he hesitated, but the question rolled off his tongue like butter.

it wasn't something you had to think about, really. john b had spent a good portion of your relationship fussing over jj, comparing himself to him, tossing meaningless accusations around, it was all too much for the both of you. you would console him each time, assuring him that you and jj had broken up for a good reason, and that you were all his. you had never recovered from jj, that was something you had always known, but never dared to tell john b. you did it for yourself, holding all those feelings back. you couldn't afford to crumble under pressure. “even when i was with him, i spent moments wishing it was you instead.”

it should've been a bad thing—that was his best friend, and you had just broken up, the wounds were still more than fresh. but he couldn't help himself, not while he kneeled in front of you, extending his arms and placing them in your lap as he rested his head. for a minute, everything went quiet. you watched jj with sympathetic eyes, the newfound touch bringing you comfort. “jay,” you didn't have to say anything, eyes widening as his body began to shake, quiet sobs causing his his frame to throb.

“no no no, jay, come on.” you did your best to interfere, to calm him down—at least a little bit. your fingers found themselves tangled in his blond locks before frantically moving down his back, your arms attempting to pull him upwards and into your embrace. during all the years you had known jj, not once had he broken down. not in front of you, or anybody else. he stayed strong, for everybody's sake. this time, he knew he couldn't.

you pulled him into your arms and he didn't fight you, not one bit. he shook like a leaf on a branch, as if his breathing could come to a halt at any second. you said nothing as you listened to the way he cried, face buried in your neck. you could feel tears of your own brewing, no matter how much you wished not to break down. you had to stay strong, for his sake.

“jj, please, it's all okay now,” you cooed, stroking his hair as you blinked back your tears. your voice shook as you spoke, his arms tightening around your waist as you spoke. “i'm here now, jay. i'm back.” he couldn't believe what he was listening to, as if he was living his dreams in an unstoppable loop. even as he looked up at you with glossy, pink eyes while you said it, he couldn't believe it.

“i'm sorry, (y/n),” his voice was meek, you had never witnessed him in such a state. all you could do was smile as he gazed at you, tears spilling down his cheeks. you placed a kiss onto his forehead. “forgave you a long time ago.”

for a while, you stayed like that. with your arms wrapped around his back, him on your chest, and his arms hugging your waist protectively. this had been a decision you could very well come to regret, you were well aware of everything that could go wrong. however, it wasn't something you necessarily cared to think about then and there. not about the past, not about kie, not about john b. you had everything you needed in your arms, helping you feel a little more loved and a little less lonely.

#outer banks #obx #outer banks x reader #obx x reader #outer banks fanfiction #outer banks angst #outer banks smut #obx fanfiction #obx smut #obx angst #jj maybank angst #jj maybank x reader smut #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #jj maybank smut

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wav3y-zzz · 10 days

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How bro looks at me after I smoke the za he laced with fent

SCREENSHIT REDRAW og under the cut❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ (the colours look a lot more vibrant irl trust)

#art #artists on tumblr #wav3y #traditional artist #traditional drawing #traditional art #lisa swallows #lisa frankenstein #lisa frankenstein fanart #the creature lisa frankenstein #the creature #frankenstein #horror

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lobotomyladylives · 14 days

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I carry a knife and a taser with me at all times, dw lol it's not like he could stand up straight enough to reach me anyway

you're assuming the person in question is smoking fent and not crack or meth which can both look & smell quite similar. also knives and tasers are absolutely shit tier self defense weapons for a woman when going against a larger stronger man who is likely to just overpower you & take it. I also don't know what's fun about throwing coffee on someone who's already literally at rock bottom

#picking physical fights on public transit is not a good way of handling someone doing drugs in front of you #idk i live in chicago & people get shot on the train all the time so i like to be #quiet & keep to myself personally #even though i have a gun. id very much like to not have to use it due to my own insistence on being a vigilante over a drug addict #id intervene if i saw a guy sexually assaulting a woman/child or attempted murder. not going to jail over anything less.#self defense laws are very strict

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leechs · 2 months

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my gas station has mushroom gummies.... someone said i should test them for fentanyl? this true? is there a chance theyd have fent?

i doubt they would have fent because thats a waste of money but mushrooms from the smoke shop and gas station are always a scam…they’re not gonna do anything it would be like taking cbd gummies and expecting it to feel like regular weed…

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anaaxiety · 1 month

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gonna take a nice hot shower shower & then smoke some fent 🙈

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galaxywarp · 1 month

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would you say quitting meth has been harder than quitting fentanyl?

Mmmmm. It’s more like they’re both hard in different ways

Fentanyl had a really extreme physical withdrawal. The pain was unbearable. I struggle to explain it to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. You get so sick and every inch of your body feels like it’s on fire and your bones ache all the way down to the very core. The pain followed me for months after I quit. It was like my tolerance for discomfort was stripped raw and pain followed me like a ghost every day everywhere

Meth is very mental. It had this really sick evil way of whispering to me that everything was fine and normal and in fact that best way to be even more normal was to smoke more meth. I lost control of my mind and my body in ways that are in retrospect terrifying but at the time I was convinced I was still in charge so I saw no reason to cut back or stop.

I guess in a way it’s meth because I miss the effects of it more than I miss the effects of fentanyl. Fentanyl made my body feel amazing but I pretty much just nodded off. That was the whole high

On meth, I could be awake for days doing stuff obsessively. Even tweaking my phones system settings became the most fun and engaging thing ever and I could do it for hours until the sun came up and id smoke another pipe and then organize files on my computer all day until the sun went down again

I miss that, honestly. It was horrible and unhealthy but I kind of liked being a productive robot.

The payoff of fentanyl went away within mere weeks of using it and then it was just misery and avoiding sickness. at least meth was fun on the way down before you crash and die

If I was to relapse I know I would go for meth and not fent. So.

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nippleplayer0 · 1 month

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PJSK BOYS x STONER READER

Cw : Basic weed stuff idk lolol :3

favoritism lol

No one really remembers when exactly you transferred to Kamiyama High. But just about everyone remembers how distinct you were.

You barely showed up to school, weren't necessarily in any groups, yet still- you made your way to the lives of many at Kamiyama.

You were certainly a character..! Every two classes you'd slip into the bathroom for a 'break.'

Even though you had a usually laid back personality, you were also the quickest to be up to some trouble.

Especially, for a certain someone..

AKITO

Id like you to take a look at his 1* and tell me he didnt fit the fent pen a bit too hard.

He is the #1 penjamin cartthalowmew loser 4 life

Yk when ur high at school n just made eye contact w another high person

thats you two ALL DAY

His battery died and you let him hit yours ?

Next day hes offering you some gummies

That's kinda how it starts

You're always kinda teasing eachother, but doing sweet things back n fourth to 'repay the favor.'

Without realizing it, you two were together like. All the time.

But for so goddamn long 😭😭 yall DENIED. EVERYTHING.

"Oh are you guys dating ?"

"Oh, no were ju"

"EWW NO WHAT THE FUCK"

💀💀

You two tried being friends for so long but it js wasnt right.

You guys eventually just got high and made out.

End of story got married had 2 kids.

TOUYA

Doesnt even know ur high lol.

Like he knows about it, hes not dumb, he's in highschool, and I also think akito smokes so. When you tell him, he doesn't rlly care.

I just mean he's more aloof, and wouldn't even rlly think about it.

Doesnt change that much though.

OMG YOU KNOW WHAT HE GETS YOU.

Those chocolate boxes w weed and crystals in them with chocolate

The best bf either way, supports u in anything.

As for him possibly smoking..

I think he might every once in a while.

During parties, or if it's just you two, he might smoke a lil. He likes the rebellious factor, but its not rlly for him, so he doesnt to it often.

Really giggly when high (+ drunk)

TSUKASA

I am a firm believer of Smoker Saki

Just trust me bro

So i feel like when he first heard you smoked, he lowkey locked in

Automatically more caring towards you, even if you don't smoke it for the same reasons as saki, he still takes care of you like you did.

It was a new feeling for him, wanting to make someone smile like this.

Likes just being around you.

You have an almost mystical aura to you, or, atleast that's what he says.

He's very eccentric, perfect for a sativa lover

As for him getting high ?

Indica does like nothing lmfaaoaoaoaoaoaooaaooaoa hes still super hyper and loud

Sativa though ??

Pretty fun

RUI

you know his ass is baked

all day everyday

mizuki and him have been smoke buds since junior high fr

loves smoking w u

before school

during school

after school

very adamant about getting his best ideas while fucked up

dates w him where you yap about whatevers on your mind while hes 8 blinkers in listening while making a 4 dimensional machine gun

#high while writing lolol #pjsk x reader #proseka x reader #akito x reader #tsukasa x reader #rui x reader #touya x reader

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dollotron · 3 months

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You should ask that junkie who's nodded out on the bus if you can smoke fent together. Dont waste your life away

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horriblewarlock · 5 months

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New Quest

Smoke some fent and get fucking bent

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meowscarada · 2 months

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my friend's ttrpg character, wang. it is canon that the smoke from his gourd is fent 😔

#theres a little demon monkey kept in there #he smokes many illicit drugs #my art #others ocs

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goodmorningnona · 4 days

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can i ask what you're withdrawing from? no matter what substance it's so hard. wishing you a smoother ride <3

Like, everything, dude. It was bad. I wasn't planning on being specific about it but like, that was just out of shame and shame is for losers which I am decidedly not, so. Long post incoming, and a lot of information you didn't ask for. I know so, so many people who say that they use too much of their substance of choice and have tried and failed to stop that I just felt the need to really elaborate... plus, it serves as a reminder for me as to why I'm quitting.

Right now I'm struggling with coke withdrawal because I caved literally the day after I started trying to get sober (my roommate gave me a talk about the possibility of transference to worse shit shortly after I declared cold turkey, and well... Sorry if you're reading this, nawee, you were right and I'm trying and I very quickly learned and I'm sorry for being too scared to tell you).

Everyone where I live does coke like drinking fucking water and it's super normalized if you go to bars or parties or clubs or like, fucking anywhere really. Always wanted to try it, did that a year ago, NOPE. Not even once. Don't fuck with coke, kids. Especially when it's so available. And don't be naïve and say you just need to hang out with "the right people" because this can happen to ANYBODY. One moment of hedonistic indulgence and you're fucked.

And that's without the coke being cut with fent, which... mine might've been, man, I've had coke cravings before but never anything this bad. I was being stupid and snorted coke from someone I don't know because I was down for anything because my brain was just screaming at me (if you know what OCD thoughts feel like, drug cravings feel a lot like that). I dunno what a speedball feels like because I'm not a coke connesieur--that's me with weed and shrooms--so I really don't know what I took, and that's like harm reduction 101- know what you're taking, and who you're getting it from. I should also note, I don't even fucking like coke, it was just there so my brain said "why not" (which is generally my attitude to free drugs, which is very very bad).

Anyway, so on to what else was the problem! Why did I need to get sober to start with? Well, I was smoking enough weed that I started to puke every time I did it, and then I greened out in class (see why no one here can know who I am in the academic world?). That was when I realized I had a problem. I was smoking so much weed before class because, to quote the post I literally made just before making this decision: "ive experienced such vile antisemitism in my queer studies class this year that im [...] going to class high...", which essentially amounts to "I am so afraid I need to not feel in order to function." I have no idea if I had anyone in that class fooled as to why I was so fucked up, but I did feign food poisoning after I left the classroom to lie on the cold tile of the public university bathroom and a woman saw me lying there over a toilet and asked if I was okay. The moment I lied was the moment I noticed something was very deeply wrong and had been for a while. I was so sick I considered taking myself to hospital. When I started coming to after coming home and passing out for hours, I remembered why I started doing drugs to start with: they're fun. This wasn't fun anymore.

But with weed, man, I've been smoking weed since I was 15. There was just nothing else to do in my hometown. I never smoked much, and I always knew what I liked because I've been smoking pot for over a decade. I don't even really like weed highs that much; literally it is just something to do when you're bored. Another rule of doing drugs "safely" (there is no safe way to do drugs, only safe-r ways) is don't do them because you're bored or sad or avoiding something etc. I was all three of those things, plus just trying to feel anything but the constant stress and fear. Did I realize something was wrong when my grandpa offered me weed and I felt so relieved to just get high after being sober the whole trip? No, of course not.

So then we can talk about the fact that I was getting nearly blackout drunk twice a week. Genuinely, I'd been trying to drink less prior to this. I had started having really bad stomach problems every time I drank especially wine, so I was trying to cut down (fun fact, this was likely a result from drinking too much in the first place, and I'm very glad I listened to my body). The problem? I don't back down from a challenge. I'll chug anything. If I'm drunk enough, I'm the challenger. I'm the guy who finishes people's drinks because they "know I can" and get me to drink more. Don't even get me started on the fact that people love giving me free drinks for being charming and talented (I... I wish I was kidding but that's just what I've been told). But basically, I see drinking like a competition, and I have two separate friend circles who like to go out every week, ergo, getting properly shitfaced twice a week. Luckily because I had been cutting back, alcohol is the least of my problems right now, it's more the social element that's dangerous and I need to be changing where and how I hang out with people, too. Fun fact: I can drink alone because I don't actually like being drunk (another pro tip- if you don't like how something feels, maybe don't do it!), I just think beer tastes nice, so I'll have one with a meal once in like a literal blue moon (haha... ha. Get it.) Another scary story for you, a friend of mine who is virtually a drinking buddy (red flag #1 and, list of relationships I need to change) and I were drinking at her house (red flag #2) and she invited a new person to introduce me to after taking us outside to smoke a buncha pot (substances in my body at this point: 2) and some cigarettes (substances: 3, red flag #3). I don't even like being crossfaded literally at all (I don't like being drunk or weed high so??? Why would I do this??? The answer is addiction but we're getting to that). I was already very drunk, and beginning to get nauseated from the weed thanks to my new problem when the usually-pleasant dizziness of cigarettes kicked in as we took the lift up to my friend's apartment. My introduction to this new person she was having me meet was me excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom at like 4pm on a Sunday. There is a time and a place, and this was not it.

So let's take a tally: so far, we're at three substances, with two left to go.

Cigarettes. I've learned a lot of people don't even think of them as a drug, which is kind of fucking insane, considering... well, everything about them. I started smoking a little over a year ago because I always thought I'd like it (we'll get into some mild pathology shortly), then continued because it was fun and accessible, and then by October I was smoking more and more because of unavoidable stress (gee I wonder what happened in October that could've caused that!). I was smoking so much that I was smoking through having the fucking FLU and while marching myself to the urgent care for tamiflu I chainsmoked so much I puked in the urgent care for what I lied and told them was "unrelated to why I was there." I only starting smoking more after that. Now, I've never been a pack-a-day type, but once I'd hiked my way up to smoking five a day and feeling absolutely nothing from it--just doing "maintenance"--I wanted to smoke less so it could become fun again. I should also note that I did restrict myself in some ways with cigarettes, because I wouldn't smoke after like, 8pm unless it was a night out because they made me too wired to sleep. Quitting cigarettes has been the hardest thing (which is what everyone says), but it's even harder because 1) they literally help you quit the harder stuff (another fun fact, cigarettes make you crave alcohol and weed less, I saw it in an NIH study somewhere (I can't find it bc I'm bad at Words to do the Google thing); problem is that conversely drinking makes you want to smoke and smoking makes you need to drink more to feel drunk) and 2) This is the one drug I actually genuinely like, and I don't intend on quitting it fully, I just want to reframe it as a fun thing not a maintenance thing, which is really difficult because see point #1.

And finally, shrooms. These guys genuinely were a good idea, for a while. Seriously- shrooms helped me a lot. I take certain medications which happen to prevent or stop bad trips, so I only ever had a good time... for a while. It helped me work out a lot of emotional stuff. No hangover, would feel great for days after... And then I started doing them everyday because I was in the middle of such a bad bipolar episode that I was either manic or suicidal one minute to the next and totally spiralled out of control. I barely even remember those weeks, I just remember not being able to walk hardly because I was so high, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to be high anymore, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is about shrooms is that they'll only amplify whatever you've got going on, which I consciously knew, but you're not thinking logically when you're in the middle of a bipolar swing. I tried doing them every other week after that, and eventually stopped entirely when I finally realized it wasn't helping. And yes- I was following microdosing advice, it just super isn't for me. I settled on doing one trip a month, which really did help my mental health for a time, but it was just a bandaid, like any addiction is. Then when I started having my additional addiction issues come to fruition I started taking shrooms to go out, and man, taking shrooms as a party drug is so not the move because they're so wonderfully meditative, but I was taking them just because I had some on hand. You can see where the drug problem was starting to be realized. I still genuinely think shrooms can be great but 1) sparingly 2) in the right environment 3) not as an unsupervised mental health aid (especially if you have bipolar). This period of time was really when I started expressing addictive behaviours in a serious way, I think.

I can spot about sixty different reasons I ended up here. Trauma's a good start. Birth father was a serious addict and so was my mom, and later in life my parents were teetotallers because of it. I straight up just thought drugs seemed like a good time because I got into rave music and metal via scene kid culture in like 2010 (which I am still into those things and god it's not helping). Potential of partying in undergrad dashed by lockdown, saved for graduate school emotional breakdowns. Bipolar disorder. Being an academic should be on the list for things that might make you addiction prone, good lord (and not to mention cigarettes being part od the classic academic and poet aesthetics, both of which I am). I like going clubbing and dancing and raves. And really, I just always knew I'd like drugs, had a bucket list of ways I wanted to experience them, and so when I had the ability to do so, I did. Truthfully though, I don't regret any of this. I got the experiences I wanted, and I'm facing the consequences, but for me, that's part of life; there's no use in regretting your actions having very obvious and predictable consequences, like, once it's done, it's done.

Now I'm in the position of smoking half a cigarette a few times a day so I don't take a shitton of benadryl or literally slit my wrists. Now I say that second part very specifically because cutting is also an addiction, and something I have been trying not to do for most of my entire life. Trauma's a bitch like that, and many other comorbidities. I'd avoided cutting entirely until a couple weeks ago and I scared myself so shitless with it that I did a buncha drugs instead! Holy shit, but like... Better? I guess? Basically, I'm so afraid of the world that I'd rather not experience it at all, but I don't actually want to die, so instead I just have to microdose self-destruction so I can feel in control of the fear. See how that sentence could've been about, say, alcoholism or cutting?

My goal is not to be totally clean forever; I do just really like cigarettes and a good beer occasionally, I just don't want it to be a coping mechanism, I want it to be fun, and I want to be alive.

Thank you and everyone for your kind words recently, it has genuinely made getting through this so much easier.

And yes, I'm seeking professional help.

#this one was a doozy but im so glad you asked anon it was so good to write!#drugs tw #suicide tw #cutting tw #sobriety update #lessons of the hand and the mouth #asks #long post

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