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33-001 · 3 years

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Soo i will give you Sasori and Deidara hehe

And I’d never say no to that~ Got an anon for those two as well, but expect I’ll re-state a lot of the obvious (?) with an unnecessary amount of words. :D

SASORI

Sexuality Headcanon: Asexual in canon, for obvious reasons which does not keep me from writing canon-compliant smut which I hopefully find time & nerve to finally finish today hhhrg In AUs I usually write him as demi. He often has a complicated relationship with sex. Sometimes not. A few times I’ve wrote him as a ‘sex is a weapon’ (and only that) kinda person. A few times as outright sex-repulsed. So, I switch it up a lot... Demiromantic too. I think he does not have a conscious gender preference in his partners, but is more likely to end up with a guy for several reasons.

Gender Headcanon: -shrug- Cis as far as you could say that for him? Agender? I don’t know, I really think Sasori is just not the type to even have a lot of thoughts about gender. Amab & simply doesn’t object, why would he bother?

A ship I have with said character: SasoDei, what a surprise

A BROTP I have with said character: Sasori & Konan. It’s also a kinda guilty pleasure ship & that I think would never work out for long (especially from Konan’s side...) but I’m living for Sasori getting his ass handed to him by her either case & think their dynamic would be very interesting.

A NOTP I have with said character: SasoSaku, ultimate NoTP

A random headcanon: Modern AU Sasori eating more sweets than the average human being. Started out as a joke in one of my first rps 10+ years ago (the one that brought me together with my partner) and just stayed around, stubbornly so. Even my going on 40 serial killer Sasori consumes too much sugar & not ... for comic relief... it just became habit... He likes mostly hard candy, especially Konpeito.

General Opinion over said character: Arrogant, stubborn, bastard asshole. Hate him and he’s perfect and I adore him.

DEIDARA

Sexuality Headcanon: Pansexual, panromantic.

Gender Headcanon: Cis male but often gnc. I know Deidaras is a trans fav & I'm often fond of ppl’s versions of him, but my own is amab & very comfortable.

A ship I have with said character: ohh the suspense ... it’s SasoDei gasp

A BROTP I have with said character: Hidan & Deidara ofc. What else to say they’re chaos & nobody could stand those two together, barely even themselves could. Constant roughhousing and every second time they’d hang out would end up bordering some sort of crime (or outright be one...). In some cases they could make a good F+ that truly never would be at risk of becoming more than that :’) But mostly just really awful bros.

A NOTP I have with said character: ItaDei, which might be more due to fanon than canon. Similar with TobiDei. I actually do think his dynamic with Itachi is interesting, but in a platonic way, as I really can’t see them getting it on with each other. Except for Deidara hatefucking Itachi maybe (which brings up another reason - Itachi as usually the top & Deidara the bottom in this ship is pretty ridiculous to me personally).

A random headcanon: Modern AU Deidara chewing gum fequently, to stick (haha) with Sasori’s candy headcanon theme for the question. Gum bubbles. Yeah. While a decent person wraps their gum in a paper or a least spits it into a bin & the average person spits it onto the street, Deidara is the kind of annoying douchebag to squish them with his fingers a while and then stick them to furniture or whatever is near. Do you know how hard it can be to remove bubble gum?? He’s the kinda ADHD kid that doesn’t even do it on purpose (mostly), he just don’t think. It just happens. Sasori forbids him gum in his place & after Deidara had to fear for his life once, he somewhat complies.

General Opinion over said character: Too often portrayed as a very flat character in fanon, going both ways (and calling out myself). I used to be upset about blushy uke bottom Deidara desperately pining after whoever, though nowadays that's become less & sometimes ppl tend to do just the opposite. So then he's just confidently horny with attachment issues. Which are two things I have no actual problem with, but he deserves to be more than just a character trope... He's genuinely ... sweet (in his own way) in canon & ‘semi-canon’, I still have a ramble abt him and loyalty and respect in my drafts & he's also genuinely merciless in canon - guys he had as much respect for other people’s lives as Sasori did: virtually none. Yes they might be valuing life on their own terms, as in their respective understanding of art. But do they care what’s going on with the individuals dying at the expense of their art? Yeah, no. No remorse here. tl;dr I just think Deidara deserves to be multifaceted. Also he’s an insufferable brat.

Would you belive me I genuinely made effort not to trail off too far?

Anyway thanks for the asks & further questions/characters welcome~

#sasori #deidara #sasodei #headcanon #you would think I'd write more abt Sasori lol #but Deidara constantly makes me ramble #I don't know I think Sasori stans treat him quite well in general #I mean as I said I treat Sasori better than I treat Deidara too #I'm sorry if I sound horribly arrogant kdfkjhsdjk #please just take this all with a grain of salt #i'm actully very fond of fandom most of the time #i'm just also very picky (though that's mainly the case with fanfiction not other fanworks)#answered ask

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thecrystalquill · 3 years

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Love/Hate

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Slytherin!Reader

Warnings: none?

Summary: Draco and (Y/N) hate each other; it’s easier for Draco to hate than to love. But when push comes to shove, a little love might be just what they need.

A/N: It’s Chapter 6!!!! Thanks everyone for waiting, I was stuck with some major writers’ block but I’ve finally figured out what happens next. Also, excuse how long it’s taken to update but I’ve been insanely busy these last few months - like, you would not believe. So thank you all for your patience and I hope you like it. Also, I have no idea if Snape is canonically Draco’s Godfather or not, but apparently its fanon so I’m going with it!

Masterlist Series Masterlist

Chapter 6

•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*•*

January had come and gone, and turned to February, and life had continued as it always does. Except this time something was different. There was still homework and classes and Quidditch, as every other year, except this year it was Draco that was different. He couldn't quite place it, but something was definitely wrong with him. For a start, he was getting a little bored of his friends and their bullying, he inwardly cringed whenever he heard a muggleborn being insulted, not to mention how he'd become more irritable than usual; and that wasn't even the worst of it. Currently, Draco was sat in Transfiguration as he did every Wednesday afternoon, taking notes as Professor McGonagall lectured the class on the theory behind transfiguring a goldfinch to a golden snitch. Only he was finding it difficult to concentrate as much as he usually did. Lately, Draco found that his mind had been wandering off much more often; and what was more disturbing, is that when it did so, it seemed to slip into thoughts of her. Whenever he was bored, or trying to concentrate, or supposed to be getting some sleep, she always seemed to meander her way back into his head. It was frustrating, really. The amount of times she invaded his thoughts in a day was simply appalling; her sharp wit, the cute frown she wore when frustrated, the lingering scent of her perfume... It was disturbing.

It was worse, he found, when she was near. Like now, for example, in the Transfiguration class which they shared - in the Transfiguration class in which she was sitting three rows diagonal to him - the class which he was supposed to be focussing on, revising for their next test - even with her being in the same room, he still couldn't get her out of his head. And what was stranger: he didn't mind. He didn't mind so much that she consumed his thoughts, he didn't mind that he noticed when she was around - in fact, he practically saw her everywhere! He didn't mind that she was constantly in the back of his mind; what he did mind, however, was that that was the only place she really seemed to be. Not that he was looking for her, of course, but he hardly ever saw her anywhere else. He might get a glance at her in the Great Hall (though most day she seemed to blend in with the Hufflepuffs), or catch a glimpse of her in a hallway, but other than that, he only saw her at the other side of their shared classes. It was as if she was a mere figment of his imagination; as if he'd seen a girl sitting at the Hufflepuff table one day and made up an entire rivalry between them; the only confirmation that this wasn't true was when a comment about her was thrown into conversation, only on occasion. He didn't like it, and he didn't know why. He wasn't exactly sure when, but Draco came to realise in her absence just how big a part of his day that she occupied, and now that she wasn't there his days were plain - when did he come to rely on her? None of his usual victims were half as challenging is (Y/N), most either cowered and ran or put up a dim-witted argument. Where was the fun in that? He wanted to see her, which was odd to say the least, but he did. But why? It was as if she had been avoiding him, and he didn't like it. For some reason, he wanted to speak to her, but at this rate he'd need a miracle to make that happen.

It was exhausting; all of this running about trying to evade people - people were everywhere. Thank Godric everyone seemed to be busy with start-of-term tests and homework. And thank Merlin no one seemed to notice. Occasionally she'd have a run-in with someone, a friend or peer, but excuses were easy to make during hectic school days. She wasn't entirely sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line, (Y/N) started to lose it; it became harder and harder to keep it together, as if little pieces of herself were crumbling away - like a rope carrying too much weight - and eventually she snapped. She no longer had the tolerance she used to have, no longer cool and calm like the façade she put up. And she didn't want anyone to notice. She'd done a fair job of staying out of peoples' way so far, and no one thought anything of it, but the one person she couldn't seem to completely shake was none other than her rival. Why, of all people, would Draco Malfoy make any effort to get in her way? He'd done his part, he'd got what he wanted, now she was out of his way - only now he was in hers. He was a nightmare to avoid, wherever she went he never seemed to be far; in the common room, in the Great Hall, in the hallways, the courtyard, the lake, the library! It was impossible. Was he doing it on purpose? Trying to catch her out while she was alone? Did he notice? Did he know something? Or was she just being paranoid? It was driving her insane. She wasn't sure how long she could keep this up. They were bound to run into each other at some point - they were in the same house for Merlin's sake! What did she expect to do, avoid him right up to graduation? Ridiculous. Absurd! ...Right? Right. Of course. That would be silly. Absolutely, downright silly.

A miracle - that's exactly it. And who better to perform a miracle for him? Making his way over to the dungeons, Draco kept an eye out for the Potions Master; if anyone would help him with few questions asked it was his Head of House, his Godfather. Knocking on the door to the potions classroom, Draco waited to be invited in, one second, two seconds, three seconds, four sec-- "Enter." Droned a low, bored voice from behind the door. It creaked on its hinges as it opened, creating a gloomy tension in the dull room, quite fitting for the eerie atmosphere (and quite melodramatic). Draco stepped inside, shutting the door behind him before he walked to stand in front of the professor's desk. "Draco," Snape acknowledged as he dipped the tip of his quill in an ink well, "what is it?" 'Why would he assume I want something?' Was Draco's immediate thought, but he quickly dismissed it; he was right - as usual - he did come for something. "I need a favour." He answered, gripping the leather strap of his satchel. "A favour." Snape repeated. It wasn't a question - the man was rarely surprised - he just spoke in his usual intimidating tone and continued with his business. Though he supposed he should be relieved, Draco found himself a little insulted by Snape's lack of interest in the matter; after all, it wasn't like all of his complaints were petty or childish or... Well, nevermind about that. "I need you to pair me with (Y/L/N) for our next partnered lesson." He flatly stated, trying to stay stoic, not give himself away. "No questions asked." He added, almost as an afterthought. The only reaction he received was a questionable look and a suspicious raised brow. The Potions Master raised his head and looked Draco right in the eye. "I trust this isn't an excuse for you to pick another fight, Draco." He replied with warning. Draco shook his head. “No sir.” “I won’t have any nonsense.” “Of course not.” The man considered it for a moment, keeping his stare on the boy in front of him, then gave a small half-nod. “Alright, I’ll assign your partners for the next class. But don’t let me regret this.” He said sternly, pointing a pale finger before dismissing the Malfoy. Nodding a thanks, Draco left the classroom, ignoring the flutter in his stomach.

Tag List:

@kaibie

@salmonoctopus

@thefandomzoneisdangerous

@combative5sos

@puppetofyourdreams

@accio-perseus

@perrythefrickinplatypus

@missmulti

@lupinssweetheart

@la3divine

Let me know if I missed you out or you want to be added :)

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softlywithhissong · 5 years

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I’m calling bullshit on your hate.

STOP STEREOTYPING SANGWOO FANS!

I am a Sangwoo fan. I am also a Bum fan. A strange dichotomy, I know.

Both of these characters exhibit problematic behavior, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a fan of them, either individually or simultaneously. Does being a fan of either of these characters mean that you support these damaging behaviors in real life? NO. Calling out people who support REAL LIFE crimes is fine, but calling out people who are trying to enjoy being a fan of a FICTIONAL character IS NOT OKAY. You are clearly not helping real life people by doing so. You are being judgemental and self-righteous, shaming people to feel superior and patting yourself on the back for it. You not only contradict yourself several times, but you also act entitled to hate real people for liking something you personally don’t, have the arrogance to proclaim what the author “better not” do, and wish ill on real people. The hypocrisy is appalling. Do you not see the irony? You are not protecting people from real life abuse BY HATING ON REAL LIFE FANS of a fictional character. You are in fact engaging in verbally abusing real life people. It doesn’t matter what the character does; it’s fiction. Are there real people existing out in the big wide world who do crimes or support criminals? Yes, but to generalize, stereotype, and basically accuse FANS of being as bad as the people who do this or to conflate us and lump us together is disgusting, illogical, and highly offensive.

How can we “still stan his ass / this ship”? We can because the beauty of fandom is that you get to pick and choose what you like. You get to twist it up, turn it inside out, and make it into an AU parody of itself. ART IS SUBJECTIVE. It’s about what individual thing each and every one of us found gut wrenching or what pulled at our heartstrings. Don’t invalidate what other people found or resonated with just because it’s not the same thing you did. People fear different things. People emphasize, magnify, and conversely minimize different things based on what concerns each of us individually. That’s okay and people shouldn’t be shamed for having a different opinion. After all, being a fan is a form of opinion. And opinions are not facts. Don’t confuse the two; you holding an opinion does not make your opinion a fact.

Fiction is about emotional catharsis. It doesn’t matter that stealing a car or killing a dog are not crimes worthy of the death penalty in real life - I wanted to see John Wick kill all those fuckers for killing that little puppy.

And NOT ALL MEDIA should have a healthy or happy ending. Was Romeo and Juliet’s double suicide a healthy ending? NO. It was a tragedy! Tragedies have an important place in media. They often serve as cautionary tales. If you want another cliched boring “bad guy dies/goes to jail” ending, WHY ARE YOU SHAMING FANS WHO WANT SOMETHING DIFFERENT? You have an endless supply of your preferred ending. Go watch one of the thousand CSI/detective/cop procedural shows. They are everywhere. While I enjoy psychological thrillers (AS RARE AS THEY ARE), I am also a fan of some great detective shows and murder mysteries. I could recommend so many fantastic ones. But some of us want a unique ending for Killing Stalking, even if that means something “unhealthy” by real life moral standards. It was labeled a psychological thriller, after all. Not a mystery. Not a detective story. It was also labeled BL, and even if it gets a twisted/unhealthy ending because of the psychological thriller genre, it still qualifies because twisted BL is still BL.

I do not excuse Sangwoo’s abusive treatment of Bum. I’m often disappointed and angry on Bum’s behalf. And while I find it difficult to believe canon Bum would be in a healthy relationship with anyone (and I would love to make a post about how I see his fondness for frogs as symbolism for his relationships), I still have the ability to enjoy the possibilities of a healthy fanon-based relationship or even appreciate the grim take of a tragic and/or twisted unhealthy ending. This is how I still ship Sangbum in certain contexts, but not always, because context matters and it depends. I know that sentence sounds ridiculous, but that’s how it works! Because it’s OKAY TO SHIP FICTIONAL UNHEALTHY SHIPS. Because it’s fiction. And if people can vent their issues through the written word in order to not do so in real life, good. Many people find reading/writing therapeutic. Some authors write a lot of problematic behavior as angst. Do they deserve hate? NO. There are plenty of instances when I have shipped a healthy ship but not shipped it (and in fact wanted them not to end up together) in certain fics because I felt the fic had portrayed an unhealthy relationship. But did I send hate to the author of that fic when that ship ended up together anyway? NO. Just because it ended in a way I didn’t like didn’t give me or anyone else the right to spread hate or shame over a fictional story.

Also, as a Bum fan, I do not appreciate seeing any victim blaming of Bum. There’s some out there (including your despicable “Bum better not” comment), but at least this hate is not anywhere near the amount of Sangwoo hate. As a fan of both characters, I can see that there is clearly so much more Sangwoo hate out there. And it’s fine to criticize, dislike, or even hate Sangwoo as a character, but it’s NOT OKAY to hate on his fans. He is a fictional character, but his fans are real people.

I am a fan of Sangwoo because he is an intriguing, complex, and well-written character. He’s got flaws. All characters do. And I understand his flaws are pretty damn big. But I understand that he’s a fictional character. I would never support a real person committing such crimes or abuse. So, frankly, while you may find my being a fan “annoying” - I will not be shamed or hated upon.

To quote my sister, “In the safety of fiction, we can deconstruct the complexities of what’s morally gray.”

In other words, exploration through FICTION, discussion, and debate are welcome. Hateful posts are not.

This is a long post, so I’ll put my further calling bullshit on arguments made by haters behind a “Keep Reading” link:

Also, the criticisms for being a fan because of “fetishizing gay men” are bullshit. Firstly, anything anyone finds hot could be labeled “fetishizing” which is ridiculous. Secondly, some fans are gay men who are not “fetishizing” - they are simply enjoying the story even if it is twisted. (It’s okay to be a fan of a story that portrays an unhealthy relationship; not every story is meant to be a moral standard.) But also, this bullshit argument is just reducing people down to a ridiculous stereotype used to stifle women in fandom. This has been used through the ages and it is wrong. Are there possibly straight women out there objectifying gay men the way straight men would objectify gay women? Yeah, there’s probably some. But I’ve been in fandom a LONG time and this is not representative of fans in general, let alone all female fans. How about you let women consume all forms of media they find identifiable, cathartic, containing unique storyline with complex flawed characters, or even (gasp) entertaining? Stop shaming people. And maybe especially - don’t resort to misogynistic tropes to do so. I think it’s safe to say that fans (including female fans) generally tend to be a fan for more than just a character’s appearance and body parts. There’s usually character traits, personality quirks, things that draw you to go beyond casual reading/watching into becoming a fan.

Personally, I identify with stories portraying gay relationships equally as much if not more than with stories portraying heterosexual relationships. Maybe that’s because I’m bisexual, but I don’t think so. I believe that straight people can also find themselves identifying with the story and the struggles portrayed - no matter what the sexual orientation of the pairing portrayed.

You think I only like portrayals of gay men rather than women? No, I like both. Killing Eve is a fantastic example of a fandom that I would love to see grow! I despair at how small the fandom is compared to my usual fandoms, but it’s new! It can grow and I can’t wait for season 2. The harsh reality, though, is that f/f ships tend to be smaller fandoms. This may be due to so few well-written female characters in general throughout media - though, this is improving and having more female writers in media helps. Killing Eve has great characters and really great writing, so hopefully they can buck this trend and grow a decently large fandom featuring f/f ships. Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe from Legends of Tomorrow are a pretty big ship, which is heartening, and Xena/Gabrielle from Xena Warrior Princess were an absolute juggernaut back in the day (kudos to anyone who recognized Xena from my main tumblr’s icon).

You think I only like hot men? Or that I excuse the actions of killers who are hot men? NO. I watched The Fall with Gillian Anderson and Jamie Dornan, where Jamie Dornan played the serial killer and NO - I was not a fan of his character, let alone attempted to excuse any actions by his character whatsoever, even after they explained his tragic backstory. And You on Netflix is just too obnoxious in my personal opinion for me to even watch. But I’d never take time out of my day to hate on any fan who enjoys it.

Calling out problematic stuff in media is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to spit vitriol and hate at fans who you disagree with.

P.S. Seriously, ask me for recs of good detective shows/murder mysteries. I’ve got so many I could recommend that are way better written than most. Want a female detective? I’ve got plenty. Want a gay male detective? Got it. Want a murder mystery twist where the murderer wins? Got that.

#Dear Antis #sangwoo #killing stalking #i'm not tagging that hateful poster #because if they don't frequent the tag they spewed their hate in it won't matter #my post wouldn't stop them #but if i can reach the ks fans who do #and encourage this fandom to be nicer to each other #that matters

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a-faekindagirl · 6 years

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Hey kat did you know that we aren’t allowed to get mad when we want to read cs fics and people involve wish!hook/kr or just out kr in cs fics where peole want to get away from s7 and we are supposed to accept that killians mom’s name is Alice because wish!hook’s mom is named Alice. We should be ok with getting s7/kr shoved down our throughts since kr ~parallels~ cs and how hook would be with their kid. I’m so fucking mad Kat (part 1)

… uh, okay, anon. You seem honestly upset-ish (I feel like anons only use your name when there’s real emotion involved), so I’m going to curb my distaste for the wording of your ask and try not to get snarky, but here’s the thing: if you don’t want to read CS fics that include wish!Hook or “knightrook,” then DON’T. READ THEM.

Something tells me it’s probably clearly displayed by the authors in both the summary and the tags that it’s CS + wish!Hook/KR. I doubt there’s many ways to be taken by surprise by them being included. There isn’t an overly large pool of people who are into that, so I imagine those that are make such fics pretty easy to locate.

If you want to “get away from s7” there’s thousands of CS fics where you can do so. CS fics that don’t include wish!Hook and KR outnumber those that do by A LOT.

I understand getting cranky or even uncomfortable/triggered (given THAT gross bit of s7) if it’s sprung on you when you’re not expecting it, like if the fic isn’t clearly marked with their inclusion, but otherwise? Non issue. There are CSers who like wish!Hook and KR, and they’re going to write fic. They get to do that. If it’s not marked, yeah, be irritated as hell (but don’t be a dick to the author, either). I would be. But if not? Then you really don’t have any room to have beef.

Just, you know, don’t read those fics. It’s pretty damn easy. I’ve not read a single one, and I read new, recent CS fics every single day.

Also can we eradicate the phrase “shoved down our throats?” I had enough of that from anti idiots s3-s5. U have grown to LOATHE that expression, and the way people misuse it.

Nobody is shoving ANYTHING down your throat when it comes to fic, just like no one was shoving anything down anti CSers throats in the show: something existing and continuing to exist is not it being shoved down your throat. When you actively decide to consume content, that’s on you. Nobody is making you read fics that contain something you don’t want to see (just like nobody was forcing ACS to watch the show). You have the ability to simply stop consuming that content.

And wish!Hook’s mothers name is Alice. Real Killian’s mothers name is Alice. The wish world is a horrible, poorly thought out, confusing, insulting, ridiculous, nonsensical, stupid, steaming mess and Adam and Eddy talk out of their asses about it and make up the rules and giant plot holes as they go along, but real Killian and dollar store Hook shares the same path up to a point. That’s the canon. We don’t have to like it (I don’t, much), but pitching a fit over people adhering to it is a bit pointless.

And if anyone is insisting that KR so obviously parallels CS and their child, ignore them. That’s fanon. That’s their own, personal view. Leave them to it. It’s harmless. It doesn’t affect anything. It certainly shouldn’t affect YOU.

Basically, you AREN’T allowed to get mad, as far as I’m concerned. I think mad is a little extreme in this case.

People can write what fic they want. You, or I, or any folks not into s7 don’t get to police that. Those fics existing does not affect you, unless you let them. Unless you read them. So DON’T. Easy peasy. It’s your preference that anything to do with wish!Hook and Alice not be associated with CS? Cool. I’m right there with you. But that is YOUR preference. My preference too. But it isn’t everyone’s, and NOBODY is required to mold their behavior around what you want. Not their fic, not anything. To think they are is way too entitled. They can write whatever they want about a show and characters they, too, enjoy.

I don’t know, anon. I’m trying to be understanding and like I said, I share your preference, but it sounds an awful lot like you just think people shouldn’t write fics that include CS, wish!Hook, and Alice. Like they aren’t ALLOWED to, or they have to get some sort of stamp of approval from the greater fandom, instead of it being YOUR JOB to avoid what you don’t want to read. And both of those ideas are absurd. Sorry.

#i don't really know what to tag this with #*lost face*#kat replies #Anonymous

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kuriquinn · 7 years

Text

Why Sasuke Uchiha Will Never Drink Again [One-Shot]

Masterlist & Disclaimer

Summary: One of Konoha’s best kept secrets is no longer a secret.

Disclaimer: This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )

Rating: T

Warning: Mild OOC? They’re characters that grew up differently than the canon, so a little bit of change in personality. Mentions of OCs (Manako Inuzuka)

Canon/Fanon Compliance: AU ‘verse. Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU

"This," Sasuke says, "is ridiculous."

"No, this is genius," Naruto retorts. "And long overdue. You're back for the first time in two years—with a secret baby you didn't tell anyone about—"

"Because you wouldn't have overreacted about it at all," Sai interjects.

"—and I finally have a night off from learning all the most boring Hokage crap—"

"Ahem," Kakashi cough as he carefully pours several shot glasses full of the strongest nihonshu that Tsunade ever hid in the Hokage's office. He still keeps it around for days when his choices are between getting blind drunk or committing homicide.

Usually because of the three other men in the room with him and their female teammate.

"—and our lovely wives are catching Sakura up on two years of gossip—"

Sasuke rolls his eyes. "It wasn't two years, idiot."

"—so we are going to spend the night doing manly bonding stuff," Naruto concludes.

"Which apparently involves copious amounts of alcohol."

"Damn straight."

"Why am I here?" Sai asks. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity that I don't need 'manly bonding stuff'."

Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him. "Did you just use air quotes?"

"Did I not do it properly?"

"No, you did. It's just…weird."

"Noted."

"I'm going home," Sasuke sighs and heads toward the door. "Kakashi, I'll be back to give you my report tomorrow, when you're not surrounded by morons."

"Hm, it appears what Sakura told Ino was true," Sai remarks innocently.

"Huh. Looks like," Naruto agrees, also affecting a casual tone of voice.

"I never would have believed it," Kakashi concludes, and Sasuke can practically hear him shaking his head.

He stops, mid-step, and his eyes drift closed in resignation. Every brain cell he was ever given tells him to ignore it. People have goaded him with worse in the past and he has learned not to rise to the bait.

However—

It's Naruto. And an insinuation by Naruto does not go unanswered, for any reason.

"What has my wife been saying?" Sasuke asks, not turning around and trying to keep his tone carefully measured.

"Only that your alcohol tolerance is worse than Lee's," his oldest friend concludes happily. "And here I was going to give you a chance to prove that was just a lie…"

Sasuke's jaw clenches, hearing the challenge in Naruto's voice, and he really should just keep going.

Of course, that's not what he does.

Whirling around he marches towards the filled shot glasses and reaches for one, intending to throw it down his throat just to prove he isn't worried about it.

Naruto stops him.

"Hey-hey, hold on, you're not just gonna chug them!" he protests. "Where's the fun in that?"

"Ah, is this where the 'manly bonding stuff' comes in?" Sai inquires. "I assume you have some kind of drinking game in mind, then?"

"Not happening," Sasuke declares, although he doesn't return on his path to the door.

"Kiba showed it to me," Naruto says cheerfully. "It's called ‘Never Have I Ever’."

"Oh, this is going to go well," Kakashi gives a resigned sigh.

"The rules are easy! Someone confesses something they have never done, and the other people who have done that thing all have to take a shot," Naruto explains.

"And the point of this is…?" Sasuke asks.

"To see who passes out drunk first," Sai says.

"And manly bonding," Naruto adds.

"I'm going home," Sasuke says.

"I can assign you cat retrieval missions from now until Sarada enters the Academy," Kakashi points out innocently.

Sasuke glares and takes a seat in front of the desk where several shot glasses are just waiting to be consumed.

"Very well, I will go first," Sai declares, considering for a moment. Then he beams. "I have never sung karaoke."

Naruto throws back a shot, and Kakashi sighs before doing the same.

"Really?" Sai asks.

"It was one of Gai's tamer challenges," Kakashi says, which explains it all. He side-eyes his former students. "Never have I ever snuck into a movie."

Naruto and Sasuke exchange glances and down their drinks.

"Why would you bother doing that?" Sai wants to know.

"We were thirteen," Naruto explains. "And technically we paid. But sitting on the ceiling wasn't exactly allowed, so we had to sneak in."

"But…why?"

"Training," Sasuke answers shortly, and then smirks at Naruto. He nods at one of the shots in front of him. "I have never accidentally set myself on fire."

Naruto glares, but reaches for the drink nonetheless. "That was once."

"It still happened."

"Yeah, well I never set someone on fire on purpose."

Sasuke snorts but reaches for his drink without outward complaint. Kakashi takes a drink as well.

Through that damned mask, as usual. I guess it's a good thing you're not supposed to taste the alcohol anyhow…

Sasuke's eye twitches as the liquor burns its way down his throat, and he wonders if it's possible to learn to speed up one's metabolism in a matter of minutes. He knows kunoichi are taught that trick in the Academy and makes a mental note to ask Sakura about it later.

As for now, he is going to have to play this ridiculous game in a manner that gets his friends inebriated before he hits his limit.

Sakura is going to pay for mentioning this…

"Never have I ever…" Sai begins, and then says brightly, "urinated in the shower."

Kakashi groans in disgust and Sasuke casually tells him, "There is something deeply wrong with you." When Naruto turns red and takes a shot, he adds, "And in your case, that goes without saying."

"I blame dealing with your bullshit," Naruto shoots back.

"Now, now, let's think of happier things," Kakashi lectures in a mocking tone. "For example, the fact that I have never been beaten up by an ostrich."

Sai sniggers as Naruto and Sasuke adopt identical beleaguered expressions and throw back their respective shots.

"Why are you guys picking on me?" Naruto complains, wiping his mouth.

"It's not our fault you've done pretty much every idiotic thing under the sun," Sasuke retorts, having to concentrate on enunciating his words. His cheeks feel a little warmer than usual, too. "Unlike you, I've never graffitied public property."

Naruto reaches for the next shot and sneers at Sasuke, "Yeah, but at least I've never been to prison. That's pretty idiotic."

Sasuke chooses not to reply to that, mostly because he still retains enough of his (ever-lessening) judgement to know that picking a fight while under the influence of alcohol would be a bad idea.

Also, he's pretty sure that Sakura would kill him. And Hinata would give him that disappointed look, the one that always makes him feel like he's kicked a puppy.

In deference of a wife with super-strength and not facing any kicked-puppy expressions from the mouse of a woman that could conceivably kill him with two fingers if she felt the inclination, Sasuke lets it go.

This time.

"My turn," Sai pipes up. "I have never streaked naked through the village."

Sasuke glances at Naruto, half-expecting him to take a drink, but the blond man simply looks amused at the idea. To everyone's surprise, Kakashi takes a drink.

Naruto guffaws and Sasuke raises an eyebrow at him. "Another of Gai's contests?"

"Yes."

"Clearly Naruto isn't the only one with tendencies toward poor judgement," Sai determines.

"Oh, I wouldn't call it poor," Kakashi muses, "it was actually quite liberating. You'd be surprised how good it feels to have a breeze between your—"

"Nope! Uh-uh, don’t want to know! Stop talking!" Naruto yells, while Sasuke's eye begins to twitch again. "It's your turn anyhow, Kakashi-sensei."

The white-haired man sighs. "Are you guys ever going to stop calling me sensei? I haven't been your squad leader since you were kids."

"If it helps, I never called you sensei," Sasuke points out. Then he frowns, because that was a little more candid than usual. His head is beginning to feel like it's being buoyed up by cotton. Why did he think this was a good idea again?

Kakashi regards him with an amused look in his eyes, and shakes his head. Then he juts his neck toward Sai, "Never have I have crossed-dressed.

Sai blinks. "How did you know about that?"

"Manako saw you. She says you're surprisingly adept at walking in high heels."

"Ino makes me practice," Sai shrugs, throwing his drink down his throat.

"Why?" Naruto demands, looking scandalised.

Sai smirks. "Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it?"

"At least he's finally had something to drink," Sasuke mutters.

"Why, are you worried you'll be the only one inebriated here, Coward?"

Sasuke narrows his eyes. "Never have I ever been part of a secret black ops organization."

Sai frowns and takes a shot; Kakashi does as well.

"Can we perhaps stay away from the darker topics?" he suggests.

"Good idea," Naruto says. He pauses to think, and frowns as if he can't think up anything good. In the end he settles on, "I have never sung in the shower."

Kakashi and Sai both drink.

"Did you even know what a shower was before marrying Hinata?" Sasuke challenges.

"At least I knew what a naked woman looked like before I got married."

"Oh, have we moved on to nudity then?" Sai speaks up, interrupting Sasuke's inner argument about whether to throw a fireball at his friend or electrocute him. "I have never engaged in naked pursuits with a woman that is not my wife."

"'Naked pursuits'?" Naruto asks.

"Sex, you moron," Sasuke rolls his eyes.

"Oh. Oh."

Kakashi reaches for a shot. When he notices Naruto and Sasuke's somewhat judgemental expressions he snorts.

"I wasn't a monk before I met you guys, you know. Not all of us can have some great, epic love story that spans years and continents, or ruins lives and sheds blood. Sometimes a good relationship starts out just as sex," he takes a drink, and then looks around as if he hasn't just imparted some oddly deep philosophy. "My turn, right? Alright—my first kiss wasn't with a man."

Naruto and Sasuke make identical noises of choked outrage and grudgingly down their shots.

"I heard about that," Sai sniggers. "Ino says it nearly caused a riot and that Naruto is lucky to have lived through puberty."

"Damn right he is," Sasuke mutters.

"Your turn, my adorable student," Kakashi points out.

"I'm thinking…"

"Oh, wow, only five shots and you already have to think?" Naruto jeers.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't counting drinks invalidate things somehow?" Sai wonders. "Or does that just mean you haven't had enough?"

"Shut up. I have one," Sasuke interrupts, an idea coming to him before he can think too clearly about what his former teacher just said. "I have never read porn."

"There's a difference between porn and erotica," Kakashi grumbles, although he takes a shot; Naruto and Sai do as well.

"Semantics. It's still something closet perverts like you three do."

"That was research—and it paid off!" Naruto points out. "Remember the time my Reverse Harem Jutsu almost saved the world?"

"And how many naked men did you have to look at to get that one right?" Sai wonders. "At least when I've watched porn, it's been women."

"Your wife lets you watch porn?" Sasuke asks, squinting at the other man. For some reason that doesn't jive with what he knows of Ino.

"Hey! I've got the next one!" Naruto shouts as he refills their shot glasses. "Never have I ever watched porn with someone else!"

Sasuke shudders at the idea of that brand of awkwardness, and to his utter lack of surprise, both Kakashi and Sai drink.

"It was for educational purposes," Sai says unabashedly, while Kakashi shrugs, "It's really not a big deal."

"Please tell me this was with your wives and not some random dude you decided to watch porn with," Naruto groans.

"No," Sasuke interrupts. "Don't. Don't tell us anything. Ever. Just…take your damn turn and move on."

I'm going home. As soon as my feet don't feel like bubbles, I am leaving…

"I have never had sex with more than one person at a time," Sai declares.

Sasuke groans inwardly; he should have known they weren't going to leave the topic of sex alone once it had been broached.

This is about to take a turn for the awkward.

Again, Kakashi takes a drink.

"Really?" Naruto looks scandalised and fascinated. "Was it with two girls, or a guy and a girl?"

"Gentlemen don't kiss and tell," Kakashi says mysteriously.

"Gentlemen don't play stupid drinking games," Sasuke points out.

Kakashi raises an eyebrow at this, and then says innocently, "I've never had sex outdoors.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

The other two watch him in expectation, as if waiting for him to outright lie. It occurs to Sasuke that playing this game with a bunch of shinobi wasn't a good idea. Even if he wanted to lie about something, they'd be able to tell.

Aware of the warmth in his cheeks, he reaches for his drink, pointing out as he does, "That's common knowledge."

"It still counts."

"Fine. I've never had my child walk in during."

Mostly because Sarada is a long time away from walking, but it's something he figures must have happened to his sensei at some point. He's got three kids past the toddling age.

As expected, Kakashi has to take a drink, and Sasuke basks in a momentary sense of victory.

Until Naruto laughingly shouts, "Oh, hey, I got one! I got one! Never have I ever…done butt stuff during sex!"

And Sasuke promptly chokes on his own spit.

Because no, no, no, that is not something he ever expected to be brought up here.

Naruto is smirking a challenge at Kakashi, like he figures learning one or two perverted things about his former teacher have given him total insight into how to get his sensei drunk.

Kakashi takes a drink, and then crosses his arms (his attempt to look unbothered is tempered by his pink cheeks). "I'm not ashamed. My sex life is amazing."

Naruto gapes. "No way! That was totally a joke, I didn't think—" He is interrupted as Sai cheerfully takes a shot as well. "Ehhhh?! You too?"

"Don't knock it until you try it," Sai says. "It's actually an interesting sensation when experienced in conjunction with—"

And that's my cue—

Sasuke wobbles to his feet. "I don't need to know any of this. I'm leaving."

"After all that ridiculousness, this is your limit?" Kakashi challenges, a knowing tone in his voice. Sasuke continues making a dogged beeline to the door. "Huh. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to avoid another shot, Sasuke."

"Hahaha!" Naruto sniggers. "No way."

Just a few more steps…

"Sasuke would never be into that sort of thing, he's way too boring," Naruto continues. "Remember, we had to practically tell him what sex was before he got married…"

Almost there…

"As I recall, he had a very interesting reaction to certain topics that night," Sai points out. "Particularly when we asked him the sort of things he had done with Sakura already. His neck used to get very red. A bit like what's happening right now."

Just reach out and grab the door –

"No way," Naruto murmurs blandly. "No fucking way."

"I did not see that coming," Kakashi says, sounding too surprised to be teasing.

"You mean Sasuke Uchiha took it up the ass?!" Naruto shouts.

Sasuke turns around, glaring daggers at this friend. "Shout it a little louder, you utter moron!"

There is silence.

Naruto's jaw drops, and the other two are blinking in surprise. The tableau would be funny if it weren't for the fact that Sasuke has realised his usual perfect control over his emotions have just caused him to confirm the one thing he did not want to confirm.

Shit.

"But wait…if you've never been with anyone you weren't married to, that would mean…" Sai begins.

"Don't finish that sentence," Sasuke warns.

"Sakura," Sai concludes.

"So she used a…?" Kakashi makes a lewd gesture.

"I did not need to know that about Sakura," Naruto murmurs, shuddering. "Oh, gods, I just got a mental image—oh my god, somebody scramble my brains, please!"

"That can be arranged," Sasuke growls, feeling electricity beginning to crackle in his palm.

"Aaaaand I'm calling an executive order to end tonight," Kakashi says, staggering to his feet. "By order of the Hokage, blah blah blah, you are all to go home and sober up. And no murders while in the Konoha environs."

"Seriously?!" Naruto squeaks at Sasuke, still apparently struggling with the concept.

"If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'm taking off an arm," Sasuke hisses, taking a menacing step forward. "Or a leg. Probably a leg. Think how ridiculous you'll look, hopping around on one leg. Then you'll never be Hokage."

"And that's how we know Sasuke is drunk, gentlemen," Kakashi says. "Rambling death threats. I think we can call tonight a success, don't you?"

"We should do it again some time," Sai agrees.

"I'm leaving," Sasuke grumbles. "I'm taking a mission to the middle of fucking nowhere and never coming back. And I'm telling my wife it's your fault, and she's going to kill you all for me. I won't even have to get my hands dirty."

Kakashi chuckles. "I suppose I should make sure you get home alright and don't end up walking into a tree."

"Tch."

He stalks off, wobbling and angry and wondering if it's worth the headache to use a portal to get home.

"So, is this butt-sex thing something I'm missing out on?" he hears Naruto asks Sai, and then he sees red.

With a snarl of rage, Sasuke whirls around and makes a dive for Naruto's neck.

終わり

Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome, but if you feel like keeping me caffeinated out of the goodness of your heart, it certainly would be appreciated! I’m also starting to post original works to my patreon.

I’m only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the support of readers like you, so every bit helps!

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#i don't even know #crack fic #naruto fanfiction #guy's night in #sasuke uchiha #naruto uzumaki #sai yamanaka #kakashi hatake #sorry i'm missing the IOG update

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