#sick twice in the same month I LOVE going out in public its GREAT

[thatfilthyanimal]

Watch the Megamind show get announced for Q4 now that it's almost 2024 sdlkjsdg

Anyway hi I will now live in constant fear of having to uproot literally all of my plans at a moment's notice because DWA will probably do some "NEXT WEEK" announcement to take me out once & for all

#Megamind #Megamind show #Megamind Rules #Megamind's Guide To Defending Your City #Megamind sequel #man there are too many tags for this #also hi I have had A DAY but at least I tested negative to the 'vid #so theres that #I guess more like A MONTH but yeah #sick twice in the same month I LOVE going out in public its GREAT

[watermelonsugar2612]

'MY DREAM WEDDING'

Okay- I'm sorry but I skipped some of the story, like wedding prep. I really wanted to write about their bachelor parties. In the story now, they're getting married in a week. Also, now the story is from Ginny's POV. I read a bunch of fics from her POV and fell in love. Sorry its so late too, I had exams. Now read on.

Ginny’s bachelorette

“I can’t believe we’re getting married in a week, fiance dearest!” I smiled as Harry and I sat in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. We had just finished breakfast and we had our bachelor and bachelorette party tonight. “Me too fiancee,” Harry grinned, gave me a little peck on the lips and took his dish to the sink. He put it down and washed his hands. “Are you all set for your bachelorette tomorrow?” I asked him as I washed the dishes and he changed into a shirt. “Yeah. A few of the blokes are going for drinks.” he said unimportantly. “Cool,” I said and put away the last dish. He stepped away, his shirt was buttoned except the top two buttons, and his raven locks were messy as usual. “Bye baby, I’ll see you tomorrow. I love you, I’ll miss you” he said, gave me a short kiss. “I love you too, I’ll apparate to Grimmauld if I can’t sleep okay?” I made a cute face. “Of course baby, I probably won’t be able to sleep without you anyway, I’ll miss you,” he gave me another little kiss. “Me too, I’ll miss you so much Harry,” I said again and kissed him. After a few seconds, he pulled away, “I’ll miss you, I’ll miss you, I’ll miss you!” I chanted. “How will I sleep without your little caresses and without your hand in my hair?! Gin-” he said with a raspy voice. By now, I was pinned to the back of the sink and my legs were between his. “Harry, do you think Kingsley would mind if you were a little late?” I smirked as he pulled my skirt and knickers down. He kissed me really hard. Fuck. I thought it would be the end of me. I made my way to unbutton his shirt as he kissed my neck. I tore his shirt off and he did the same to mine. I winced because of the few seconds of missed contact. He continued kissing my neck and made his way down. He kissed my collarbone and unclasped my bra, kissing my breasts. I moaned loudly. He continued his pecs and licks as my hand traveled to his junk. I stroked it a few times.“Fuck- I need to be inside you,” he groaned and I could distinctly feel his huge bulge between my legs. I quickly unbuckled his belt and took his pants off. I was already naked, so he pulled away for a brief and slammed inside me. “Harry!” I moaned at the top of my lungs. “Fuck Gin, you’re still so tight!” he said in response. He thrust at high speed and I whimpered and moaned at the pleasure. “Harder Harry! Go faster!” I moaned again and he followed my command. He thrust and continued to kiss my neck, now fondling my breast. He made way to clit and massaged it. I felt my insides tighten and he stopped massaging at once. “I’m coming, Harry! HARRY-” I clenched around him and a huge wave of pleasure overtook me. “Ginny!” he moaned and came on his high. He slowly rode us out back low. “That is going to be one to remember! I think we came in like record time,” Harry grinned. “You git, if I told you, you wouldn’t believe how much I got turned on when you told me you would miss me.” I blushed as he pulled out. “No fiancee dearest, you wouldn’t believe how much the fact that I wouldn’t have you in my arms to sleep was a problem. I really will miss-” and I cut him off with a little kiss, I didn’t want to be turned on again. Though honestly, what I was doing would probably turn us on too, so I bit his bottom lip and pulled away. “You have to get to work darling,” I grinned and pushed him away. “Ugh! Fine,” he rolled his eyes and put on a fresh set of clothing and so did I. We were in the bedroom and he apparated away with one little kiss and said, “I can’t wait to make it up to you in the bedroom tomorrow. We’ll go nonstop for hours. I’ll miss you so very much baby.” FUCK! How dare you Harry James Potter, you git! He turned me on again. I mean, me and Harry, on average would shag twice a day, but we because we weren’t going to be able to do that tonight, we’d shagged like 4 times the previous night and once in the morning, in the shower and well, the kitchen. Oh god, I’m blushing like crazy. Someone save me from this man.

Well, for my bachelorette as I had already told Harry, me, Hermoine, Luna, Hannah, Fleur, Angelina, Audrey and mum would have a few drinks at the burrow and gossip.

We were starting celebrations early, we would make dinner and make some treacle tart. Dad would be out for the night, with Harry. Oh, that little piece of eye candy, I thought about Harry and closed my eyes. Ugh, I need help. I wasn’t supposed to think about him, not today. Okay deep breaths. I spent the rest of my day definitely not thinking about Harry and the way he touched me, the fact that he had chosen me of all women, and we were about to get married, nope. Oh! And by the way, I didn’t have quidditch practice because I had taken leave for the wedding and honeymoon, so for like 2 months. It was about 6 pm, we were going to make dinner, I remembered and apparated to the Burrow. I was greeted by all of my bridesmaids (and mum). We made a big dinner and treacle tart for dessert. Now, it was about 10pm and we had all taken our seats in the large living room of the Burrow. I sat in the settee in which I would generally sit in Harry’s lap. He would softly play with my hair and give me little pecks during conversation with my family. He would feed me cookies during Christmas- “Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, GINNY!” my mom interrupted my thoughts. I had an unavoidable blush on my face. “Sorry mum! Yeah, I’m here now,” I said. “Okay, let’s play never have I ever, each time you have done something, you take a shot of firewhiskey” Angelina suggested and everyone nodded. “You go first Hermione,” she continued. “Okay, never have I ever, shagged in public.” Hermione blushed. “You gotta be more specific ‘Mione! Like a restaurant, or a clothes shop-” I was interrupted yet again by Hermione, “Okay, a restaurant?” she finished her question. “Ha! That’s simple, I have, a bunch of times!” I shrugged and I felt a tinge of blush as those memories came back to me, but I shut them off and gulped down a shot. My mum looked at me with a deadly look. “Well I haven’t!” Luna said and Audrey, Hannah, Hermione and mum chimed in and said, they hadn’t either. Fleur and Angelina downed a shot, oh my god! I had to ask Bill and George myself later. “Well, next question!” my mum interrupted before we could get really deep into conversation. “Never have I ever,” Fleur said, “ditched someone for my husband, or vice-versa?” she finished. “Tons of times!” I said as I lifted a glass high up in the air and drank it. “Wait! The time you said you got “emergency practices” or Harry or you had gotten very sick or you had to go to a team meeting or Auror function were all excuses to ditch us?!” Hermione said with her mouth agape. “Not always, but yeah most of the time, we were probably shagging,” I shrugged and took another shot. “Hermione looked furious and honestly so did everyone else, I gave a slight smile. “Never have I ever bought anything from Lady Lilac’s Lingerie,” I asked with a grin and immediately downed a shot. Everyone else looked at me with pure shock. “Do we even want to ask how many times you have bought- lingerie from there?” Hannah said with a disgusted expression. “I mean, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had it ripped off myself, so no probably not,” I said, suddenly in horror as I saw the number of shocked faces turned toward me. I. should. not. have. said that! It should be illegal for me to talk even when I’m slightly drunk. “Uh-uh next question?” I said with a confused smile. The faces didn’t turn away for quite a long time when mum finally spoke up, “Oh god, everyone, this is her night, let’s not be shocked by my daughters sexual appetite!” everyone laughed. “Never have I ever, had sex in the burrow, this only applies to after you moved out!” mum questioned. I downed another shot, no one else did, and the horrified expressions returned. “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but with which room, Ginny Weasley?!” mum almost screamed. I wasn’t sure if I should answer this question but my drunk brain did anyway, “Ron’s, and even the living room, when we were staying here for Christmas!” I grinned. “You are a dead woman Ginny!'' Mum got up and walked toward me. “Fuck. Sorry mum! We scourgifyed it later?” I said as I winced. Mum rolled her eyes and

sat back down. “Okay, this game is a little too much for some of us to take right now, let’s play something else,” Hermione said. “Yeah sure, let’s play 21 truths.” Angelina suggested. “Perfect!” I said. How this game worked was, we would go in a circle and say numbers, one person could say three numbers max in one turn and the person on which ‘21’ landed had to answer a question. The first few rounds went easy and I wasn’t asked anything. It was like the 6th round when, unfortunately, the 21 landed on me. “Okay, shoot a question, who wants to ask me one?” I said accepting defeat. “Well, I think since Ginny is the bride and everyone will have tons of questions for her, everyone gets to ask her one.” Hermione suggested. Everyone grinned and nodded. Fuck. I was so dead. “When was the first time you and Harry had sex and where?” Luna asked. “The room of requirement, sixth year.” I said. That one was easy, thanks Luna. I thought and turned to Angelina. “With who was the best you ever had- wait, let me reframe it, it's pretty obvious its Harry, where was it?” she asked. “Oh! Wow, that's difficult! I mean, all over Grimmauld Place I guess! The kitchen, bedrooms, living room, balcony, bathroom. The locker rooms at Quidditch pitches. And… sorry about this, but at Hermione and Ron’s wedding, in the bridesmaids room, after the ceremony, before dinner. Also, maybe in the Great Lake-” I continued but I was interrupted by mum, “Next person!” she laughed a bit and Fleur continued, “Have you ever had sex on a broomstick?” she said with a little contemplation. “Well, we tried- but it didn’t really work, we kinda tumbled to the ground and finished there, but yeah, no.” I replied. “When you were living at the Burrow, how often would you sneak into the boys room, when I had asked you not to?” mum asked. Shit. “Well…” I cleared my throat, “every night?” I said with a slight shiver and continued, “Harry would switch places with Hermione to sleep with me and at one point all of our belongings were shifted and we didn’t go to the other couples’ room.” I finished. Mum looked at me with those eyes that scared the crap out of me. Her expression softened, “oh well!” she rolled her eyes. “What is the longest you and Harry have lasted while having sex?” Hannah asked. “This is an interesting one, basically we had this bet of who could last longer and I came first after we had sex for like 2 hours. No big deal.” I shrugged as I finally took another shot of firewhiskey. “Wow!” Hannah sighed. “I’m gonna regret asking this, but how many times have you had sex in last night and this morning?” Hermione said, twiddling with her fingers. “Fuck. Do I have to answer that, you are probably going to think I’m insane…” I said insecurely. “Yeah, actually…” Angelina said softly. “Ugh. fine. No one judges me. Like six times- only because I wasn’t going to spend the night with him, so we had decided that we could do it like an extra time at night, and, and, we kinda got carried away, so we did like 3 extra times. Then in the morning, Harry had woken up late and I was in the shower, washing my hair, when he came in to brush his teeth, he saw me and got in, and it kinda just- happened. Then again, we had finished breakfast and Harry was saying that he would miss me, that he couldn’t sleep without me and I was saying it too, somehow it really turned on the both of us, so then, it's pretty obvious Harry would be late for work.” I finished, realising I had said too much. “Wow. I bet you and Harry can’t go till your wedding without having sex!” Hermione spoke up. “Of course we can!” I said loudly, but somewhere, even I knew we couldn’t, but what was wrong with a little friendly argument. “There is no way you could Ginny.” Angelina chimed in. “How can you say that?!” I said as I stood up. “Because you and Harry are like bloody rabbits! We’ve seen you at the Burrow, you cannot be kept apart from one another! Hell, you had sex like 4 extra times because you wouldn’t spend one night togehther!” Hermione said again. “That’s- different!” I said unsurely. “Okay, then prove it

Ginny!” mum said, “You can’t have sex till your wedding night, six days.” she grinned as she finished. “FINE!” I said as I took the bottle of firewhiskey and went to my bedroom. I would be sharing my room with Hermione, Angelina would be with Fleur in Bill’s room, mum would be alone, in her own room, and Luna would be with Hannah in Ron’s. I had started drinking from the bottle directly and was really drunk by now. Then realisation came rushing to me, I wouldn’t be able to have sex with Harry for six days, SIX FUCKING DAYS! I’ll probably go insane, and what about Harry’s promise to me, to ‘make it up in the bedroom’. Fuckkk!! Someone needed to kill me, this very instant. While I was mourning on the floor of my bedroom, Hermione walked in. “You are the worst Hermione! Get out!” I screamed. “What’s up?” she asked unknowingly as she came in and opened her hair. “I bet Harry and Ginny can’t go without having sex till their wedding! Meh,meh,meh,meh.” I said mockingly. “Well, I bet you can’t!” she said normally. “You bitch! I know I can’t but what will I say to Harry?! ‘Harry I can’t have sex with you for a week because my bridesmaids are such bitches for betting on my sex life!’' I continued mocking her. “Ginny, it was harmless, you don’t actually have to do it!'' She continued her business and I continued downing shots. “YES, I DO! It is now on my pride Hermione Granger!” I screamed. “Well then, do it I guess?” she said again. “Fine!” I said, pouring another shot. “But what about his promise?!” I muttered to myself but I guess I was louder because Hermione heard. “What promise?” she said as she sat down beside me and took the bottle of firewhiskey from my hand, pouring herself a shot. “Well- uh, in the morning, after we had sex in the kitchen. Ugh wait. Let me tell it to you from the beginning.” I said, sighed and continued, “We were just talking randomly about our bachelorette party tonight. We had just finished breakfast. Harry was standing near the sink of the dining room putting on a shirt, he came out, looking… What's the word, yummy? Properly buttoned up shirt, messy hair and those green fucking eyes… He said something like ‘Bye baby, I’ll miss you.’ and boy was that hot. Then I said that I would- apparate to him if I couldn’t sleep. He said, ‘I probably won’t be able to sleep without you anyway.’ I said I would miss him too, a lot. Then I was chanting into the kitchen that I would miss him. Then he was like how would he sleep without my hand in his hair and the tiny caresses I would do on his bare chest. Fuck, that chest. Mmmmm…” I said getting lost in the imagination of his chest. I was bought back from the world of imagination by a nudge from Hermione’s elbow. “Yeah sorry. So yeah the tiny caresses. He pinned me to the back of the sink and well, then we just had sex there, standing. I’ll skip the details, afterwards, we both got dressed and I said that he was a git for having me so turned on by the tiniest things and he said that it was true, he couldn’t sleep and would be thinking of me. When we were done he made a promise, ‘I’ll make it up to you in the bedroom tomorrow. We’ll go nonstop for hours. I’ll really miss you’ he said something like that and apparated away!” I finished. “Wow, you two have some serious issues. Do you have any idea why he still has that effect on you, you’ve been dating for 4 years, you're about to get married?” Hermione muttered. “I have no fucking idea! But that’s not even the problem! How will I tell him?!” I said. Me and Hermione chatted for a while and went to bed soon enough. I woke up the next morning, hungover as fuck. I had dark circles and my hair was all messy. My breath, yuck. I brushed my teeth and took a bath, went downstairs to find everyone except Hermione (who was in the shower) dressed and having breakfast. The hangover potion lay on the table and I took it and got almost instant relief from the constant throbbing of my head. “Morning guys! I just wanted to inform you that I am taking the bet!” I said proudly. “Great, we bet 100 galleons, together.” Angelina said as

Hermione walked downstairs. “Great!” I said and grabbed a piece of toast and egg. I finished and said. “The party was great! Thanks, I will see you all later.” I said as I apparated to Grimmauld Place.

#hinny wedding #hinny smut #domestic hinny #ginny weasley #ginny is such a badass #molly weasley #hermione granger #harry x ginny #harry potter #ginny potter

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

BTS at Golden Disc Awards 2021

by Admin 1

On the 9th and 10th of January 2021 BTS attended the Golden Disc Awards, and performed on the second day as well. Being there they won the Digital Bonsang for Dynamite on the 9th and the Bonsang, as well as the Album Daesang for Map of the Soul : 7, on the 10th. Amazing achievements which I sincerely congratulate them on.

When it comes to the performance, it was, most certainly, another amazing collection of stages bringing something new once more, even if they presented songs we’ve already seen at previous award shows this season. The opening came in form of Black Swan, though they didn’t sing any of it. It was more an intro showcasing the entrance of the members and highlighted Yoongi’s return to the stage, at least partially. 

The stage featured big metal winds, low lighting, and the members clad in black and white clothing including leather elbow length gloves for Namjoon and Yoongi, and pretty chockers for Taehyung and Jimin. The highlight though was Jungkook’s hair which isn’t dark anymore, but instead has been bleached and dyed a pretty blond. Personally I think it suits him pretty well. 

More below the cut since this is shaping up to be pretty long:

Next up was ON, which was powerful and fierce, though still missing Yoongi, which is all too understandable. Even though he can stand on stage again and hold his mic in his left hand (his surgery was on the left shoulder), it will still be a while until he’ll be able to dance with the members. ON has certainly grown a lot on me and I enjoy their performances of it immensely, and it was much the case this time as well.

The transition from ON to Life Goes On came in form of the stage being made to look like their individual rooms from BE which appeared on the digital walls around them. Their clothes were mostly comfy, though Jimin’s resembled their outfits from all the way back during I NEED U/RUN era. The transition/VCR like moment ended with the instrumental to We Are Bulletproof : The Eternal and the stage looking much the way the MV did with the whale swimming around them in an ocean of shades of purple, blue and pink.

For Life Goes On they had miniature versions of some of their most iconic MV sets on pedestals. It was a really cute idea and I enjoyed the execution a lot. The members seemed relaxed and enjoying themselves, Jimin and Taehyung even having their little moment of looking at each other twice, these moments certainly having become something I always kind of look forward to when it comes to LGO stages. 

Another tiny Jimin and Taehyung detail was Jimin sending a brief, barely noticeable (by the viewer) finger heart which I hadn’t even noticed until my fourth rewatch. It definitely fits with all these other small gestures we’ve seen from these two in recent months, like the finger hearts and kissy faces during their Lotte Family Concert performance of Boy with Luv or hugging each other on day 1 and doing a fun handshake and dance on day 2 during Dionysus at the MOTS ON:E concert visible only on one of the side cameras, not the main one.

The grand finale was the Slow Jam remix of Dynamite which worked perfectly with the chill out lounge/bar atmosphere created on stage fitting with the Great Gatsby theme. The members wore mostly suits in white, blue in Namjoon’s case, and a bright yellow when it comes to Taehyung, as well as Hoseok who had a white button down which Tae did not. While a normal person would look ridiculous in it, Taehyung looked absolutely stunning and made it more than work. After so many energetic performances of Dynamite since its release, seeing such a calm version was really nice and refreshing, showing how versatile BTS and their music are, how they can captivate an audience with fast songs made for big choreographies and stage productions, but also these slow, more chill types of tracks. A marvelous idea, truly.

There was also an encore stage where they sang ON again but this time along with Yoongi on stage which had some hilarious moments, especially Namjoon and Seokjin being silly waving their arms around while kneeling opposite each other on stage during Jungkook’s bridge. Cute.

Afterward the members were at something like a red carpet after interview where they took pictures with their awards (Jungkook and Taehyung even making their Bonsang and Daesang awards kiss much the way film director Bong Joon Ho made his two Oscars kiss last year) and were asked to do a relay of saying something to each other. 

All translations of their words are taken from Vernal_Bom on twitter.

J-hope to Jimin 

“I didn’t feel lonely in 2020 thanks to Jimin. Thank you for making me laugh. Give me happiness and laugh in 2021 as well.”  Jimin (turning to Namjoon): “It seems he can never live without me” 

Honestly the bond between Jimin and Hoseok is so cute and wonderful and you can see, and hear in their words, how important they are to each other, and how grateful Hobi is. We know the members were having a really hard time in 2020 so it doesn’t surprise me that Hobi would highlight the other members, or in this case Jimin, as one of the main reasons why he made it through it. After all we also know that those two made a song together which unfortunately didn’t make it onto BE. Hopefully we might get it one day at least as SoundCloud release, or perhaps on the next album instead.

Jimin to RM 

It was you who made us pull ourselves together to go through 2020. I am always grateful, and it’d be nice if you share you height a little with me in 2021, be healthy and happy. RM: Okay thank you

I love how Jimin used this (public) opportunity to tell/remind Namjoon of how important he was for them especially in 2020, as leader and surely also as friend, yet still also made a little joke to still keep the atmosphere light. After he was done speaking Jimin also hugged Namjoon, which showed once more how tiny he is in comparison.

RM to JK 

It’s finally today, Jungkook-si, in 10 years! You are Golden Maknae! The day that you will prove your nickname! You are proving it right now with your hair color, but in 2021, I hope the year will be filled with gold, like your nickname. Stay healthy. Let’s ‘Jje-kkit-up’ together this year too! (check it up.. the usual Namjoon saying lol)

It’s quite something to think about and realize, isn’t it, this year 10 years pass since Jungkook became a BigHit trainee and moved into their first dorm with Namjoon, Hoseok, Yoongi and Seokjin. I’m curious if Bangtan, as well as BigHit, have some kind of plan for JK specifically for this year that Namjoon chose to highlight his Golden Maknae nickname in such a way, or if it was more of a reminder to JK, that he’s so worthy despite how he doubts himself, and despite how he himself said he’s been going through tough times in 2020.

JK to V 

V hyung, when we were trainees we were getting along so well, (V: We are not now???) No!!! i didn’t mean it. You are becoming so much of an stand-up (reliable, I assume in this context) guy. Thank you for doing all the schedules with us.  jhope: who’s hyung here?

The bond these two share might just be one of the biggest mysteries and causes for conflicts and fights within the fandom, or particular parts of it. After their conversation In The SOOP, I’d like to believe they’ve figured out whatever issue might've arisen between them in the past, found a way to solve and move past it slowly, and rekindled their friendship once more. Seeing at how well they’ve been getting along (on camera) these past few months, I think it might've been so. It’s curious to me though that JK chose to say this instead of something more akin to what Jimin said to Namjoon, or Hoseok to Jimin.

V to Jin 

V: (turns to Jin)  Jin: This is too close V: I listened to Abyss and that makes my heart ache too... Jin: Thank you V: hyung, your song is so good. Make more songs in 2021, let Army and us listen to your song more. Jin: Okayokay  V: and I play game with you to relieve stress.... sorry for talking in ban-mal (informal form). —(also speaking in informal way) Jin: No no it was so fun V: I love you Jin: I love you too

I absolutely adore the bond these two share and I love that Tae chose to say what he did. We know Seokjin has been going through a hard time in 2020, that he dealt with something I’d call imposter syndrome, so I’m glad we got to know even more about how Tae was there for him, something we otherwise would’ve never known. Certain people try to portray Tae as the one member that is almost estranged from his other members, who barely has anything to do with the group outside of schedules, and yet it’s moments like this--as well as Seokjin telling us in his birthday vlive that Tae organized for everyone including his non-BTS friends to send Seokjin birthday wishes in video form to show him how loved and appreciated he is--are the proof that those people are wrong. Tae is very close with his members, and he’s the ambassador of OT7 or nothing, the members his closest friends and brothers, his found and chosen family.

Jin to Suga 

Jin: Yoongi ya, do it well. Suga: Okay.... Jin: Do well on your rehab, and...uh... let’s do well going forward. Suga: Okay.. I will...

These two are so close yet due to their introverted nature their interactions such as this one are just so hilarious and adorable at the same time. Their dynamic is wonderful and this just seems like peak Yoongi-Jin behavior.

Suga to j-hope 

SG: (unable to look into hobi’s eyes) Our hobi JH: Suga! SG: You did work hard in 2020 (evading eye contact) JH: hahhahahah and? SG: Let’s not fall sick in 2021, and hwaiting...  JH: “Hwaiting hyung, and take good care of your health!”

The saga of Yoongi being unable to look Hoseok in the eye continues and it’s just as precious as ever. They stood so close, and while Yoongi wasn’t able to look into Hoseok’s eyes, it’s funny how he was the one who initiated the whole “them standing so close together” thing. I love the difference between how Seokjin didn’t even try to make eye-contact while Hoseok playfully challenged Yoongi and tried to coax him into it anyway knowing it’ll make Yoongi laugh and smile. It’s such a Yoongi-Hoseok thing, I love it.

And with that, the award was over and now also my post. I hope you enjoyed reading it! :3

#bts #bangtan seonyandan #golden disk awards #golden disc awards 2021 #jimin #taehyung #jungkook #namjoon #seokjin #yoongi #hoseok #vmin #namjin #life goes on #performance commentary #Vmin cute moments #Namjin being silly together #Yoongi is back! #bts gif

[jessicajonesrp]

Public warning

Patricia Walker does not do well with lack of control. It’s a tendency passed down from life with Dorothy Walker, easily the most controlling non super-powered person she had ever met. For the first eighteen years of her life, most of Trish’s actions, from her clothes to her work to her every public word and expression, had been chosen for her by Dorothy, and the only real choice she had for herself was whether to give in and make life easier for herself or rebel and suffer Dorothy’s wrath.

 Her desire for the control she had lacked had left her with severe insecurity, eating disorders, and self medication through drugs, all issues she struggled with for a good ten years before channeling her need for control into efforts at bettering herself and helping others. She had finally reached a place where life was stable, heading in a direction Trish could be content with, if not fully satisfied.

 And then Kilgrave happened. First to Jessica only, without Trish having any idea why her best friend had suddenly vanished without contact for eight months, and then with the shattered mess it left her once Trish did know and struggled to support her. Then to Trish herself, when she, against Jessica’s orders and even pleas, involved herself in trying to draw him out and capture him.

 Trish knew she had not suffered anywhere near the level that her sister had from Kilgrave, but it was still enough to make her feel sick and cold when she remembered. She still occasionally had nightmares of his cold, snapping voice, telling her to shoot herself in the head, telling her to kill people she had never met before out on the docks. She still shivered in disgust when she remembered the feeling of his hands on her face, his lips on her skin, the terrible ambivalence of wanting to kiss him, enjoying it, even as every part of her true self screamed out in horror. And she could never forget Simpson’s hands around her throat, choking her nearly to the point of death at Kilgrave’s command.

 She had hated and feared the man from the first moment Jessica managed to stutter out what he had done to her. No, she had hated him before then, when she first saw the unnaturally shocked, broken state of her sister when she finally broke free from his initial control. Anyone who could hurt Jessica so deeply and so permanently earned her hatred without needing to know their identity.

 And now he was back. Again. As much as Trish feared for herself, for being used or even killed in his obsessive pursuit of Jessica, she feared even more that Kilgrave would damage Jessica even more deeply, that he would continue to pile up dead and damaged bodies around himself and place the blame at her feet. Jessica didn’t need this, not again. And if Trish could do anything to help or stop it, it would help her feel just a little bit more of a sense of the control she knew she didn’t really have.

 She made her way to her recording studio after first sending some of Heroes for Hires guards ahead of her to thoroughly check out the studio for any signs of danger from Kilgrave or any of his like, giving them a code phrase to use to insure that they would be able to alert her if he did show up and control them or others.  Trish had already called ahead to insure that all people were thoroughly searched for any possible weapons and passed at least twice through the metal detectors already installed before being allowed entrance. After receiving the all clear, she went, Jessica insisting on accompanying her, via one of Danny’s cars to the studio, passing through the checks put in place and heading straight to her recording studio and instructing the techs to set up for a live broadcast. She was aware of Jessica skulking behind her, hands shoved in her pockets, as Trish rapidly read from the speech she had just finished churning out.

 “Good afternoon New York City and beyond, this is Trish Walker with an urgent report coming to you from Trish Talk, by way of myself and all our associates at Heroes for Hire. Soon, a follow up broadcast will be coming your way via Channel 5 News with more information, but please, listen very carefully to this announcement for your safety and those of your loved ones.”

 Trish paused, swallowing, and snuck a glance back at Jessica’s impassive expression before facing the mic again and continuing. “Most of you may remember the terrible events of last summer, when the man whom called himself Kilgrave provided mass terror and destruction in our city and in far too many of our own lives and homes. It is to my great sorrow that I inform you that Kilgrave is not, as was believed, deceased. Kilgrave has made personal contact with myself and with-“

 Jessica made violent throat slashing motions behind her that Trish saw out the corner of her eye, and Trish edited her intended words smoothly.

 “With myself and my colleagues, and we have evidence to support that this is no hoax. Please be aware of yourself and those you love at all times. Know their whereabouts, establish coded phrases and patterns of behavior in order to test out the level of control the people in your life may have at any given moment. Kilgrave is a white male with a British accent, last known to have short medium brown hair and brown eyes. He tends to dress in a professional manner, especially in dark purple suits and ties, and he is considered a threat of the level of nuclear war. Do not approach him should you see him; instead do all you can to get away and call in our hotline at Trish Talk or Heroes for Hire to report a possible sighting. If you suspect that someone you know may be controlled, treat them in the same manner, do all you can to subdue them without causing permanent harm to them if necessary. Kilgrave’s powers last up to 12 hours, so do not under any circumstances try to reason with anyone you suspect to be controlled. If at all possible, wear ear plugs or head phones or listen to loud music when necessary to go out in public. Kilgrave cannot gain control of those whom are not within his direct path and whom cannot hear his commands. He-“

 “Stop,” a voice suddenly came over the ear, and both Trish and Jessica jumped, recognizing the voice after a moment as not Kilgrave’s, but female and American. Trish quickly identified the voice a second later as belonging to one of her tech support assistants, Chloe Ash. “The information is over.”

 “What the fuck?” Jessica hissed, shooting Chloe a vicious glower and striding towards her quickly. “Will you shut up, even I know to shut the hell up on a live recording, over something this damn important!”

 Trish tried to recover, giving a somewhat forced chuckle and speaking over them. “I apologize, there are some technical difficulties, but if you’ll bear with me I will make sure you all get the information you need. As I was saying, Kilgrave cannot-"

 “This information is too much, this recording is over,” Chloe repeated, more loudly and forcefully, standing up and taking the headphones off of her ears. She fairly shouted out her next few words, speaking loudly enough that Trish’s words were drowned out.

 “Loyal listeners, you will now hear the sound of a suicide by Chloe Ash, Patsy Walker’s employee. More are to follow in the names and as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones. Goodbye, loyal listeners, and know that Kilgrave is a patient man.”

 She head butted Jessica in the face when Jessica grabbed for her arm, ducking under her and weaving to the other side of Trish. As Trish leaped up, expecting Chloe to grab or try to harm her, the young woman instead ran to a small cabinet against the walls containing little more than sound equipment and various office supplies. Throwing it open, she grabbed a pair of scissors from its contents, opened the blades wide, and closed them around the front of her throat.

 She made no sound, showed no pain as she dragged the scissor blades more deeply into her skin, sawing back and forth to make as rough and deep a wound as possible. The live recording now picked up the sound of Trish’s horrified scream, her outcries of “Oh god, no, no!” as blood spattered in a wide arc just short of reaching her, and the noisy scuttle of multiple feet moving towards Chloe as others tried to reach her before it was too late.

 Jessica got to her first and wrenched the scissors out of her hand, breaking them in half and throwing them down so Chloe could not get them and use them any further. Tearing off her oversized sweatshirt, she pressed it against the woman’s throat, grimly noting how the blood immediately stained through its thick material and onto her fingers, how it had sprayed hot and thick over her arms and chest before she could touch her at all. The woman didn’t try to speak, likely couldn’t have, but she was losing all color in her face, her eyes already growing glassy and lifeless, and as Trish sputtered and tried not to vomit or pass out in the background, Jessica held onto the almost useless bloodied sweater, as though she could somehow keep the woman alive just by holding on tight enough.

 It didn’t matter. Within another minute the woman was clearly dead, limp and unmoving under Jessica’s hands, and she could hear the shrill noise of sirens in the background. Jessica let her drop to the ground, stumbling back and nearly yelling out loud when she bumped into Trish and felt her hands latch onto her arm.

 “We have to go, now,” she mumbled, giving her sister’s arm a rough tug.” Before someone else of his comes through in the aftermath.”

 Even as she lead Trish out of the room and building, she could still hear the dying woman’s words echo in her mind. More are to follow, as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones…

#jessica jones roleplay #Jessica Jones #Luke Cage #luke cage roleplay #trish walker roleplay #trish walker

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

#TIRED #happy covid anniversary #time to post this without reading it lmao #long post #rambles

[eugeniedanglars]

finally picking hannibal back up despite getting increasingly sick of s3 and my very first episode back has a scene about teeth and it uh. bothered me. and that turned into me ranting about all the other things in this show that bother me. so maybe don’t click the read more if you like the show hannibal and/or don’t want to read me pedantically nitpicking about teeth for 13 bullet points

bite mark analysis is known bullshit but i’ll let it slide since it’s a cop show

but even if bite mark analysis was legit i don’t think you could make THAT detailed a replica of the teeth from a bite mark

like i can see bite marks telling you something about the occlusal/incisal surfaces, alignment, and angulation of the teeth (again, if bite mark analysis worked, which it doesn’t), but that is a full-on plaster cast of a set of teeth complete with details that could not even theoretically be left in a bite mark, like the different clinical crown lengths, a super varied gingival margin, and little divots on the facial and buccal surfaces of the teeth? i guess the last one you could make a case for being just accidental dents in the plaster but the first two are bothering the fuck out of me

“pegged lateral incisors” it’s peg laterals

he pointed at the air next to the mandible (??) and then at the mandibular right lateral

peg laterals are only found in the maxilla

there aren’t even peg laterals in that model

“central incisor’s got a corner missing, and the other central incisor’s got a groove in it” okay and what about the other two central incisors

there’s a shadow over the central incisors in the close-up and the incisal edges of the maxillary ones are partly hidden behind the mandibular teeth but none of them looked like they had a corner missing

the right maxillary central looked like it maybe had a shallow groove on the facial surface but again, even by the fake standards of bite mark analysis how on earth would you figure that out from a bite mark on a soft surface like skin

"snaggletoothed son of a bitch” seems like a bit of an overstatement. like yeah they could use orthodontics (if these teeth were actually in a person’s mouth and not just set into a model by that weird chinatown dental office-slash-tattoo parlor from earlier in the episode) but their teeth are intact and don’t have any major defects that i can see?

otoh maybe my standards are just different because i’ve seen so many photos of tooth diseases/deformities even before getting to any sort of diagnostics course. maybe non-dentists really think “just needing braces really really badly” is the worst a mouth can look

and finally, both because it’s somehow the last thing i noticed and because it’s maybe the most egregious mistake in this scene: how the fuck are this mouth’s nonexistent incisor defects the identifying characteristics and not the fact that it’s missing its goddamn molars?! that’s twelve fucking teeth! over a third of the mouth! an entire class of tooth missing and none of the characters comment on it!

is this how real forensic scientists feel all the time watching crime dramas because if so i salute them all

anyways the following started out as tags but they got WAY too long so here are my non-tooth-related complaints:

i’m sorry for bringing up paul blart mall cop 2 for the third time in less than a week but this show is really starting to feel like that bad scene where neal mcdonough and kevin james yell about how crazy they are

“you think YOU’RE crazy, hannibal?? i’m a DRAGON WEREWOLF who keeps a MURDER SCRAPBOOK because i’m so TWISTED” like just..... stop.

i mean the show always had a huge element of “look how ~edgy~ and ~twisted~ this is, aren’t we so ~sick~” but it’s really getting unpalatable in s3. not in an “i can’t handle their ~twisted visions~” way but in an “i’m really not impressed by it or enjoying it and it’s making it hard for me to take the show seriously” way

like the last episode before the time skip was i guess supposed to be super tense and serious and show how dark all the characters had gotten, but it was about mason verger wanting to wear will’s face and secretly having his sperm harvested?? face/off with prostate milking isn’t scary, it just sounds like a fake episode you’d make up as a meme like “pearl hates the irish”

i’m still so fucking furious at them for brutally murdering beverly AND fridging abigail TWICE, the second time literally IMMEDIATELY after bringing her back even though it would have been so much more interesting to explore the repercussions of this plot element that drove the entire second season turning out to be a lie???

like i literally got so excited when i saw she was alive cause i was like “hell YES what’s gonna happen to will and alana’s guilt and their parental-like relationships with her, how has abigail been changed by months with no human contact other than hannibal, how does this complicate hannibal’s relationship with the rest of the cast, how does this affect the public’s perception of everything that’s happened, how—” and then none of that fucking mattered because she got murdered again in order to give will the exact same emotional pain we literally already saw him go through at the beginning of the season

yall i think hannibal might be a bad show, or a show that has lots of individually great elements that it doesn’t always know how to pull together, or a show that’s so far removed from my personal tastes that i should just stop watching it

but like.......... i wanna see margot and alana’s baby and “is hannibal lecter in love with me?” and the cliff scene so >:(

#hannibal

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

#might delete later?? probably?? havent decided. #maison speaks #tinysquidrachel

[marvelsbestsuperheroine]

New York is a Lonely Place

Prompt: I don’t know if you’re writing Ironwidow any longer but I realllyyy wanted to read a period drama with Tony Nat in the 60s or 70s? Or something along that line. Thanks in advance

A/N: Hello, there! I’m so sorry this took me so long. I went on vacation and then I got sick and then I had to catch up with life and then I had to do research because I don’t know much about those decades. This takes place in the early 60s. I hope you like it and apologies once again.

New York City was a lonely place. So many people who didn’t care enough about others to even glance their way, too focused on their own downtrodden-ness. It was the perfect place for a Russian spy to go about her business and follow everyone else’s. 

During the war, Natalia Romanova had not felt the loneliness that others had described in overheard conversations and intercepted communications. She had been in her element, focused, single-minded, content. But then she had come to America. Then something had gone horribly wrong in her mother country. She lost all contact with her superior officer, waited for days, weeks, months. She never heard from him again.

Stranded in a foreign country with no new orders, Natalia continued with her routine. She observed, she followed, she took notes. She filed away all the information she could on her target, waited for the day to be given permission to finish it.

The papers piled up. She bought more filing cabinets. She rented a new apartment. She bought a big storage locker. 

She had been following genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist Tony Stark for 15 years before he finally caught her. And that was only because she let him, so tired was she of this stupid game, of her stupid fixation. She was meant to kill him but she never received the order. She’d been waiting for the right moment, holding out for the faintest sign of Russia trying to contact her. She told herself that that was the reason she had never taken initiative.

But she had always prided herself on not being just a cog in a machine. She wasn’t the machine. She was the whole damn gun and she would fire when it suited her best. Her S.O. had known and understood that. She wondered vaguely what happened to him.

So why was Mr. Stark still alive? She asked herself this question as she stared him right in the eyes, his knife pressed gently against her throat, her back bent over a table in his spacious loft.

“Who are you?” He asked, brows furrowed in confusion and anger. The hand that held the knife was unsteady. She could feel the vibrations against her skin. His other hand had one of her wrists pinned to the table, as if that could stop her. Even that hand was delicate, avoiding putting too much pressure.

“I’m a Russian spy,” she said, plain and simple, in perfect English. No Russian accent.

Stark blinked. “You- you are? I mean- why are you following me?”

Natalia blinked calmly back. “I was waiting for the right moment to kill you. But that moment never came. I have been following you for 15 years. The war is over. We are at peace. You Americans have your own troubles, of course. The drugs, the protests, the conflict in Vietnam. I was supposed to receive an order but something went wrong back home and I lost all communication. The order never came. So I never killed you. But I kept observing, kept waiting. Fifteen years and now we are old and I am tired of waiting.”

Stark blinked again. His skin seemed to drain of colour, his hands shook even more harshly. “Fifteen years... Why so long?”

Natalia shrugged, unconcerned by the knife ready to pierce her veins. “I am a patient woman, Mr. Stark. And besides. I like New York. It is lovely at night. But it is, as they say, a lonely place.”

She couldn’t see his eyes in the dark of night but she could feel the way he shifted his stance, the way his grip on her loosened. “What did you mean to do, when you came into my apartment just now?”

In the adjacent bedroom, the television was still playing, casting its flickering white light and broadcasting static-y music. The Beatles, Natalia figured. She glanced at the doorway. Inside, the large bed was illuminated by the television, glowing like an invitation.

“I came to meet the man I know everything about but have never spoken to,” she replied honestly. “I did not come to kill you, Mr. Stark. I came to you because I have no mission anymore. I have nothing. And as I said: New York is a lonely place.”

Her heartbeat never wavered, never skipped. It pulsed beneath the dull edge of metal twice, thrice, four times. He let go and pulled back, stepped back some more. He looked so awkward, dressed in his pajamas and holding a clean kitchen knife. She almost wished he was still on top of her, still pinning her down.

He set the knife on the counter in the kitchenette, just across the way from her, and turned on the lights. They were bright and harsh. Obviously he did not feel the same.

“Would you... Can I offer you a drink?” His hands fidgeted perpetually, twitching and rubbing and tapping.

She hopped onto one of the bar stools at the island. “Vodka. Please.”

He hesitated, whispered “fuck it” and then proceeded to grab two glasses from the shelf. “Can I at least know your name?”

Now it was her turn to hesitate, but only for half a second. “Natasha. Romanoff.”

If he noticed that her name wasn’t Russian, he didn’t mention it, for which she was grateful. 

“And you know my name.” He popped open a bottle of vodka and poured. “Apparently.” He screwed the lid back on. “So why not kill me? You must’ve had the opportunity sometime in the last 15 years.” He slid a glass to her and then came around the island to sit on the stool beside her.

She shrugged. “I did not see a need to. I know everything about you. Your public face, your private face, your interests, your hobbies, your secrets. I know you fund charities anonymously, which ones and how much. I know you tinker with cars in your many garages. I know exactly how much money you have at the bank, how much you’ve taken out, what you’ve spent it on. I know you see lots of women in lots of places but you are always courteous. I know how good you are in bed, how often you think about sex. I know that despite everything, despite my mission to kill you and despite my breaking into your home, you are thinking about taking me right now, on this counter.”

She watched his adam’s apple bob up and down, heard the squeak of leather beneath his bum as he squirmed beneath her penetrating stare. She watched him throw back his drink, shake his head, sigh, then reach for the bottle to pour a second glass. Natalia downed hers as well and held out her own for a refill.

He obliged. “How did you get in here?”

Avoiding the topic. Alright. She would humour him. For a little while. She had waited this long, what was a little longer?

“Through the window.”

“We’re on the top floor.”

“And?” Now she smirked at him over the rim. When she set the cup down again, it was empty and stained with bright red lipstick.

He eyed it thirstily. “I need better security.”

“You do,” she agreed and poured herself a third.

Not to be outdone by a woman, he chugged his as well.

“If you know me so well then you know my vices,” he said. “My weaknesses.”

“I do.”

“Be honest with me. Did you poison this somehow?”

She chuckled. “No, Mr. Stark. If I were here to kill you, it would be much quicker than that. And less terrifying. For you.”

“Right. Great. Fucking fantastic.” He polished off his third. Or was he on his fourth now? He was losing track.

“I know so much about you,” Natalia continued. “It’s only fair that you know things about me.”

His eyebrows raised and he turned to face her fully. He gestured for her to go on.

“I was born in Stalingrad in 1930. In 1931, my parents died in a house fire. I was given to my uncle, a high-up director in the KGB. He raised me to be the perfect spy, put me through a rigorous training program called The Red Room. I was taught how to manipulate, how to lie, how to kill. At 16 I was the best in the school. They graduated me early and put me in the field. My English was the best so they sent me to America undercover. You were my first and last assignment. I had only been watching you a few weeks when everything went dark. I had no more communication with Russia, not even my uncle. Everything I tried failed. There wasn’t even anything in the news to tell me what might have happened.

“I was a skilled girl but young and naive and without direction. When I wasn’t watching you I was studying you. When I wasn’t studying you I was sleeping. Eventually I knew everything there was to know. That’s when I got sloppy. I ate out. I drank out. I danced. But I never formed connections, never made any commitments. I moved from place to place, worked where I could, stole where I couldn’t. I was never tied down to anything in case I heard word, in case I got the order, in case I needed to go back.

“I have been living in fear of going back, I realize now. I enjoy your music, your fashion, your ways of life. Women are demanding more rights. Men are more carefree. Americans are open-minded, they are passionate, they fight for their rights and the rights of others. I have been following the news and I am most impressed by some of the more political figures. And your sports are enjoyable. And I can watch them on the television. Your country focuses too much on money and is very rowdy, but you are also free in many ways. Emotionally, physically, sexually.”

She placed a hand on his thigh and slid upward. He had been drinking all through her story. She knew he could hold his alcohol but she wondered if he would even be conscious for what happened next.

“I have wanted you for so long.” She climbed into his lap. He did not stop her. Instead, he grabbed her waist and held her there, as if afraid she would fall off, as if afraid for her safety.

“In the Red Room, they also taught us how to please, how to tease, how to make the most of everything. I can make you feel things none of those other women have.” Her voice was a whisper now, a breath on his neck before she placed gentle kisses along the tendons. His head fell back, his mouth fell open. “Would you like that?”

“Y-yeah,” he could only stutter.

She pressed the lightest of kisses at the corner of his mouth. He was still as a statue.

“I will hold you to that.” Then she stepped off of him and back. “Thank you for the drinks.” She left out the front door this time, figuring he wouldn’t make her go out the window.

Tony Stark blinked and she was gone, melted into the shadows and the sound of her heels against his wooden floors echoing in his head.

New York was a lonely place indeed.

#ironwidow #iron man #black widow #tony stark #natasha romanoff #avengers #marvel #fanfiction #prompt #1960s au #mcu

[growingstronglikeahighgardenrose]

A Winter Wonderland Party

12 Days of Sanditon prompt: Winter Wonderland (late entry) hosted by @sanditoncreative​ Pairings: Sidney/Charlotte Findeable on AO3 Synopsis: It was in the utter chaos that was their first year, she first set her eyes on Sidney Parker. She didn’t know who he was when she saw him at an 80’s party in the simplest black Pink Floyd t-shirt and ripped black jeans, but she knew she wanted him. In the hour following she was being propped up and kissed against a wall by Sidney, James disappeared, Georgiana broke up with Otis,  Esther slapped a blonde named Clara and kneed a Master’s student by the name of Edward in the groin, and she herself had a fight with the aforementioned Sidney Parker after making an examination of his friends which she meant only in gest. The second time they spoke was in her third year, and it did not go as she had assumed it would.

Sanditon University had been Charlotte’s dream. From the second she turned fourteen she’d started thinking about university. She’d always known she’d wanted to go, but she’d never been fixed on what she’d study. She’d thought about Communication Studies, then she’d drifted towards Urban Studies and Cityplanning, but in the end, her love for the classics won out, and so at eighteen she decided to study Classical Languages, and take a minor in Ancient History… Or philosophy, she still had two years to decide upon her minor.

She’d never left her old village. She’d gone through kindergarten, primary and high school there. But now she was going to a relatively new university at a seaside city with the name of Sanditon, The university was a quick riser, with a corpse of professors and postdocs and phd-students publishing new critically acclaimed A1 publications each year. It was two hours away from her home town, and public transport was a disaster, so her parents allowed her to go rooming. A new life, new studies and complete independence. She loved her five siblings and her parents dearly, but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t excited about the freedom and the private time. No more sharing a room with her little sister, or having her younger brother barge in the bathroom while she was using it. And, perhaps, she hoped, a boyfriend who’d understood her and shared the same interests as her.

It was in her first year of college she befriended Georgiana, a student African Languages and Cultures; Esther, an Art History student and James, an Engineering student who she shared a class on Archeology of Rome and Greece with.

It was in the utter chaos that was their first year, she first set her eyes on Sidney Parker.

She didn’t know who he was when she saw him at an 80’s party in the simplest black Pink Floyd t-shirt and ripped black jeans, but she knew she wanted him.

It had been a blurry night back then, making sense of it in the weeks following proved challenging, and as the years went on, she could only think back on the night with utter confusion. Admittedly, the first reason the night was so blurry had been because of the circle of death and Cards Against Humanity during their pregame. But everything had seemed fine when she, Georgiana, Otis, James and Esther had left Esther’s room. But then everything happened: their group was dancing near a group of five men, and it had been clear from exchanged glances that it was very likely that something would happen. That something turned out to be her being propped up and kissed against a wall by Sidney Parker, James disappearing, Georgiana breaking up with Otis, Esther and Charlotte stumbling upon a crying girl in the bathroom, Esther slapping a blonde girl by the name of Clara and giving a Master’s student by the name of Edward a knee right up the crotch and Charlotte talking to and having a fight with the aforementioned Sidney Parker after she made an examination of his friends which she meant only in gest.

A few things had become clear in the days following the party: firstly, her big mouth had gotten her in trouble again. Secondly, Otis had a gambling problem  and had boasted about landing an heiress and Georgiana had felt abused because of her money. Thirdly, Esther had apparently been dating her stepbrother – or something along those lines – and he’d cheated on her with multiple girls, like the one whom they found in the bathroom, and that girl had been crying because Edward had cheated on her with Clara. He’d cheated on Esther with one girl, and at the same time he’d cheated on that girl with Clara… Who was apparently someone Esther was also related with. Esther’s heart was broken, but her sadness turned into bitterness when she found out he’d been cheating on her ever since he left for college. ‘He could’ve given me an incredibly long list of std’s and I wouldn’t have known! I believed him for years. How could I miss it? I’m so telling our aunt.’

She didn’t know why James Stringer disappeared in the middle of the night, and she knew more must have happened that night, but she didn’t know, and knew she never would. When each faculty held its student representative elections, she’d recognized Sidney’s face beside her own in the hall of the student restaurant. Apparently, he was a business student four years her senior. She’d paled at that, thinking back on her brazenness and confident attitude when she’d approached him. Four years! It was a miracle he hadn’t started at the baby-faced make-up free Charlotte rubbing her behind against him.

She saw him while going out every now and then, but she never approached him again. She decided to focus on her old friends, the student organisations of her faculty and the friends she’d made during her work as a students’ representative.

It all worked out fine, until the night of the Winter Wonderland ball, when she was in her third year and had decided to minor in philosophy, of which the proceeds would go to a charity. It had been planned by student representatives of all faculties, which meant she had been negotiating and planning the event for months, while sitting at the same table as Sidney Parker. Unexpectedly, he’d backed her a lot. And together, they were by far the driving forces behind it all. Charlotte had all the soft science faculties on her side, while Sidney, with his many friends, managed to appeal to all the science faculties. Besides that, they both worked hard for weeks on end. But the result was great, that couldn’t be denied by anyone. With pride Charlotte took in the amazingly decorated hall. She felt awkward standing on the simple pair of black heels, her only pair of heels, that was.

‘The ubiquitous Miss Heywood.’

‘I cannot help it you are present at each and every thing I am resolved to attend, Mr. Parker. And, I could hardly be absent at an event I spent so much effort and time on, and have shifts at…’

‘Believe me when I say I was at every event the past few years thinking the exact same thing. Besides, I have shifts as well. ’

‘Well I am supervising my part of the hall. Aren’t you supposed to be working as crisis manager in the lounge?’

‘I am.’

Charlotte raised her eyebrows at that.

‘Is something going awry?’

‘No, not at all. All going as planned.’

‘Oh. Good.’

‘I… I simply wished,’ Sidney Parker sighed and Charlotte started at him in bewilderment as he continued, ‘to convey my appreciation. I’m amazed at how smoothly things went. Last year was nowhere near as successful, nor was the organisation as put together. I was already a representative, the change is all up to you.’

‘There are plenty of other fresh faces. They might not be as quarrelsome as the previous ones.’

‘That might be, but none were, and no others have been, such a driving force as you. You’ve been great. A true admiral guiding the often quarrelsome representatives through faculty conflicts.’

‘Is that a compliment?’

‘Don’t assume too much, you don’t have the best deductive skills. You presume too much, but this time I thought you didn’t presume how much of a value you’ve proven to be.’

‘Perhaps, Mr. Parker, now is the time to leave behind a grudge held against me for something I said whilst drunk three years ago? No? After all, have we not seen what great things can be accomplished if people let go of old grudges?’ Charlotte asked with a smile, referring how the representatives had gotten over their grudges and prejudices against other faculties.

‘Fair point, Miss Heywood.’

He couldn’t hide his smile, and she couldn’t hide hers. And there they stood, beside each other, stupidly grinning as they looked at the drinking, talking and dancing students. It was still there, after all those years, that buzzing energy she’d felt since the second she first saw him. She still desired him. She wished she didn’t, but the attraction was still there.

‘I shouldn’t have asked you for your opinion on my friends and brothers if I didn't wish to hear it. And I shot into a defensive mode despite them not being on their best behaviour. You couldn’t have made any other assessment. Besides, you weren’t even that wrong.’

‘Your brothers? Some of them were your brothers?’ Now Charlotte knew why he’d been so pissed. She hadn’t only insulted and joked about his friends, but his brothers as well. Even in gest, she wouldn’t take kindly to a stranger commenting on her siblings. She half wished she could remember what she’d said that night, but on the other hand she really didn’t want to.

‘Tom and Arthur, yes.’

‘Oh God.’

‘I should return to the lounge, before any guests sneak off with empty champagne glasses in their purse.’

‘They wouldn’t.’

‘Miss Heywood, you’ve been around long enough to know that some guests definitely would.’

She didn’t even have to look far, Georgiana and James often got up to mischief, Georgiana having a traffic cone with a smiley on it in her room, and James having a full collection of beer glasses.

‘Good luck, Mr. Parker.’

‘Celebratory drink?’

‘I think the smell of alcohol might make me sick. I’m bone tired, hungry and I’ve had to clean up vomit twice. Thank you for offering though.’

Sidney Parker sat down on the table next to her. Her shoes lay abandoned underneath her feet which were dangling above the ground.

‘Cleaning’s almost completely done. Sound installation has been picked up, as has the tap and the last bottles of soda. Everyone’s getting their coats. We’ve survived the night. And only five glasses were broken.’

‘Five?’

‘Twenty-five last year.’

Charlotte sighed but nodded.

‘Only thing left to do is go home then. I’m sure your feet will be grateful that the night is ending.’

‘I’ll have to walk home on those, didn’t think to bring a pair of trainers.’

‘And in the snow. That’s… risky.’

‘Snow?!’

‘It was going to snow tonight, it was announced all over the news.’

‘Like I knew! I didn’t have time to check the weather report. Bloody hell. It wasn’t snowing when I came here, when the hell did that start?’

‘Three hours ago, but it’s quite a lot, I’m afraid. They’ve salted the streets but the sidewalks are dangerous.’

Charlotte eyed the smooth shiny soles of her heels. They would offer no grip.

‘Kill me.’

‘No need, snow will probably take care of that.’

She let herself fall backwards on the table.

‘I’m going to sleep here I think. I was already too tired to walk, but stumbling through the snow? No thank you sir.’

‘You have a long way to go?’

‘Albert Street, across that cute new Pizzeria with the blue tiling. Ever been?’

‘No, afraid not. But that’s what, a fifteen minute walk?’

‘Not in these shoes, not when I’m tired, and especially not with that snow laying around.’

‘Come on, Heywood. You’ve faced tougher battles than these.’

‘Yeah, but I’m not up to a fight right now.’

‘On your feet, soldier. I won’t accept defeat.’

He took her shoes and pulled her off the table.

‘Come on.’

He dragged her towards where their coats hung, and put her tired form in her coat, wrapped her shawl around her, put her pink mittens on and pushed her hat over her eyes.

‘I’m not walking.’

‘Good. You don’t have to.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You know, we are a tiny city, but we have enough modern inventions. I texted a cab over half an hour ago. I wasn’t planning on walking either.’

And indeed, standing on the threshold of the building, she could see the cab parked nearby. But between them and the cab lay meters and meters of snow, at least three centimetres of it.

‘Fuck.’

‘Seems my nickname for you proved to be quite well chosen, admiral Heywood, cursing like a sailor I see.’

‘I’m not putting on heels, and I’m not walking through that.’

‘Have it your way’, he said, and took her in his arms without much further ado.

‘Wh-What, Sidney!’

He put her into the cab with surprising gentleness.

‘As I said, Miss Heywood. You didn’t wish to walk. You’ve put enough effort in this night, allow me to reward you for it.’

She allowed him the time to get in the car and give the cabdriver instructions before she started talking again.

‘If I were still in my habit of talking too freely and assuming too much, I would voice the suspicion that you don’t hate me anymore.’

‘Hate?’

This got his attention. He looked away from his window, his brown eyes now focussing on hers as the creases in his forehead grew deeper.

It’s a good thing a frown looks good on him, there’s barely a moment I haven’t seen him frown, she thought.

‘I assumed you did, since we never talked anymore, after that incident.’

‘Well, I was mad at the time, but it was just because of what you said at the moment.’

Charlotte eyebrows rose comically high as the years old assumption started crumbling down.

‘Oh.’

‘And then Crowe started puking so I had to go. I didn’t quite know how to approach you after that, and you didn’t approach me so that was that.’

‘Oh.’

Years of believing he loathed her. It had seemed like such a normal thing: she’d insulted his friends, and he’d gotten angry and hadn’t looked back, despite that they’d been snogging no twenty minutes prior. Yet, after knowing him, it seemed equally believable that Sidney Parker had been angry with her for insulting his friends, but hadn’t approached her after because he hadn’t known how to properly express himself during or after his outburst.

He picked up on her thinking, of course.

‘Why, what did you think?’

‘You’re going to hate me for jumping to assumptions again.’

‘It seems my words made a strong long lasting impression. Charlotte, don’t forget I was drunk as well.’

‘But you were right! It’s only with getting in all kinds of councils and through friendship dramas in college that I learned to think a bit more before I start speaking. I’m still not perfect and I doubt I’ll ever be. But I’ve gotten so much wrong by assuming things too soon, and I learned the value of choosing my words carefully in councils and meetings. You were right back then.’

‘But you were right in your assumptions about my family and friends as well. But now, please tell me, what did you think.’

‘That I’d screwed up forever. That you hated me. I didn’t dare to approach you afterwards. I felt very overwhelmed that night. And then I learned that you were so much older, I thought: God, he must think I’m such a stupid young girl. And now this year, during General Student Council meetings, we’ve both been quite vocal in our opinions and they haven’t always been the same. I considered it a small miracle that we got along when we were planning the Winter Wonderland Party, and that we could work together the way we did.’

‘It is obvious neither of us perform to strangers.’ Her heart warmed at the sentence. They had both done wrong, and no permanent harm had been done by their first encounter, and her prejudices had clearly been proven wrong… Wait!

‘Did you just quote Pride and Prejudice? You, a business major?’

‘I studied English- Latin for three years.’

‘Oh. Three? You decided to change after?’

‘It’s a long story. My older brother got into some trouble and I quit for a year to help him out, afterwards, I decided that if we were to keep the family business going, I better study something else.’

Charlotte was quite intrigued, but knew that at four in the morning during a cab-drive, it wasn’t really the moment to ask… Which reminded her of…

‘How am I getting home?’

‘You’re almost there.’

‘But… I didn’t tell you where I lived.’

‘You did. You mentioned the street and mentioned the pizzeria across it. I wasn’t going to take you home without telling you, Charlotte.’

Without telling you. She bit her lip at the possibility of it ever happening.

She looked out of the window. They were already in her street.

‘Thank you so much. I don’t know how I can thank you. I would’ve died walking, for sure.’

The cab halted just two doors past her building. There was a thick layer of fresh glittering snow outside, but her toes tingled with excitement at the prospect of being immersed in the cold carpet of white after having been immersed in tight black pumps for hours on end.

‘Perhaps a coffee, once?’ he mentioned smoothly.

Charlotte looked at him as she grabbed her purse. He looked way too cool and composed. Innocently suggesting grabbing a coffee knowing fully well that was the most cliché date! Sidney Parker was proposing a date! To her!

She just stared in silence. His hand reached out, and pushed her chin up until her mouth was closed.

‘Good evening, Charlotte.’

‘Yes. You too. And… yes to the coffee too. Both. Both is good.’

She could just die. She’d narrowly avoided freezing to death on the way home, but now she would surely die of mortification.

‘Good.’

At that she crawled outside, to spare herself further embarrassment.

The first confrontation with the snow had her sharply inhaling, but her dignity was spared further embarrassment for she did not give a peep of surprise or pain.

She waited until the cab rounded the corner before making a very unladylike victory gesture and skipping to her door through the snow.

What a weird night.

But, oddly satisfying.

Quoting Mr. Darcy. Shaking her head, she couldn’t help her mind from conjuring an image of Sidney Parker walking out of a lake in a wet shirt. He did fit the bill, didn’t he? Too smart, too awkward, very handsome and very protective of his friends and family.

And she would be having coffee with him.

May God rest the soul of Georgiana and Esther, she wouldn’t be able to talk of anything else the next few weeks.

Or perhaps she would, after that coffee.

#12 days of sanditon #Sidlotte

[maddie-grove]

The Top Twenty Books I Read in 2019

My main takeaways from the past year’s reading:

Sometimes you think something is happening because of magic, but then it turns out to have a non-magical explanation so weird that you find yourself saying, “You know what? I wish faeries or God were responsible for this. I’d honestly feel less disturbed.”

Stop bathing and changing your clothes and shaving for three years, three months, and three days. You’ll find out who your real friends are. I promise you that.

I want more books about bisexual ladies!!! Give them to me!!!

Anyway...

20. The Prodigal Duke by Theresa Romain (2017)

Childhood sweethearts Poppy Hayworth and Leo Billingsley were separated when his older brother, a duke, sent him away to make his fortune. Years later, the duke is dead, a financially successful Leo has come back to England to take his place, and Poppy has become a rope dancer at Vauxhall Gardens after a life-shattering event. New sparks are flying between them, but is love possible when so much else has changed? Leo and Poppy are believable and charming as old friends, Romain makes great use of obscure historical details from the oft-depicted Regency period, and I loved Leo’s difficult but caring elderly uncle.

19. Simple Jess by Pamela Morsi (1996)

Althea Winsloe, a young widow in 1900s Arkansas, has no interest in remarrying, but almost everyone in her small Ozarks community is pressuring her to remarry, and she still needs someone to help farm her land. Enter Jesse Best, a strong young man with cognitive disabilities who’s happy to take on the work. As he makes improvements to her farm and bonds with her three-year-old son, Althea gets to know him better and starts to see him in a new light. This earthy romance could’ve been a disaster, but instead it illustrates how people with disabilities are often...uh...simplified and de-sexualized in a way that denies them autonomy. Morsi has a similarly nuanced take on Althea and Jesse’s community, which is claustrophobic and supportive all at once.

18. Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli (2018)

Outspoken and insecure, bisexual high school senior Leah Burke is having a tough year. Her friend group is in turmoil, her single mom is seriously dating someone, and she’s caught between a sweet boy she’s not sure about and a pretty, perfect straight girl who couldn’t possibly be into her...right??? The sequel to the very cute Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Leah on the Offbeat pulls a The Godfather: Part II with its messy protagonist, sweetly surprising romance, and masterful comic set piece involving the Atlanta American Girl Doll restaurant.

17. Copper Sun by Sharon M. Draper (2006)

Kidnapped from her home in eighteenth-century Ghana, fifteen-year-old Amari is sold into slavery and winds up on a South Carolina plantation, where she faces terrible cruelty but finds friends in an enslaved cook, her little son, and eventually a sulky white indentured servant around her age. When their master escalates his already-atrocious behavior, the three young people flee south to the Spanish Fort Mose in search of freedom. Draper’s complicated characters, vivid descriptions, and deft handling of heavy subjects makes for top-notch historical YA fiction.

16. A Prince on Paper by Alyssa Cole (2019)

After her controlling politician father was jailed for poisoning a bunch of people in their small, prosperous African country, Nya Jerami gained unprecedented freedom but also became the subject of vicious gossip. Johan von Braustein, the hard-partying stepson of a European monarch, wants to help her, partly because he sympathizes and partly because he has a crush, but she thinks he’s too frivolous and horny (if wildly attractive). After an embarrassing misunderstanding compels them to enter a fake engagement, though, she begins to wonder if there’s more to him. I’m not a huge fan of contemporary romance, but this novel has the perfect combination of heartfelt emotion, delicious melodrama, and adorable fluff. 

15. One Perfect Rose by Mary Jo Putney (1997)

Stephen, the Duke of Ashburton, has always done the proper and responsible thing, but that all changes when he learns that he’s terminally ill. Wandering the countryside in the guise of an ordinary gentleman, he ends up joining an acting troupe and falling in love with Rosalind, the sensible adopted daughter of the two lead actors. Like another Regency romance on this list, this novel celebrates love in many forms: there’s the love story between Stephen and Rosalind, yes, but there’s also Rosalind’s loving relationship with her adopted family, the new bonds she forms with her long-lost blood relatives, the way her two families embrace the increasingly frightened Stephen, and the healing rifts between Stephen and his well-meaning but distant siblings. Stephen’s reconciliation with his mortality is also moving.

14. My One and Only Duke by Grace Burrowes (2018)

Facing a death sentence in Newgate, footman-turned-prosperous banker Quinton Wentworth decides to do one last good thing: marry Jane McGowan, a poor pregnant widow, so she and the baby will be financially set. Then he receives a pardon and a dukedom at the literal last minute, meaning that he and Jane have a more permanent arrangement than either intended. I fell in love with the kind-but-difficult protagonists almost at once, and with Burrowes’s gorgeous prose even faster. 

13. Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (2013)

It’s 1986, and comics-loving, post-punk-listening, half-Korean Park and bright, weird, constantly bullied Eleanor are just trying to get through high school in their rough Omaha neighborhood. He’s only grudgingly willing to let her share his bus seat at first, but this barely civil acquaintance slowly thaws into friendship and blossoms into love. Far from being the whimsical eighties-nostalgia-fest I expected, this is a bittersweet love story about two isolated young people who find love, belonging, and a chance for self-expression with each other in an often-hostile environment (a small miracle pre-Internet).

12. Shrill by Lindy West (2016)

In this memoir, Lindy West talks about the difficulties of being a fat woman, the thankless task of being vocally less-than-enthused about rape jokes, the joys of moving past self-doubt, and the very real possibility that Little John from Disney’s Robin Hood was played by “bear actor” Baloo, among other subjects. I was having a hard time during my last semester of law school this past spring, and this book’s giddy humor and inspiring messages really helped me in my hour of need.

11. Seduction: Sex, Lies, and Stardom in Howard Hughes's Hollywood by Karina Longworth (2018)

In 1925, very young businessman Howard Hughes breezed into Hollywood with nothing but tons of family wealth, a soon-to-be-divorced wife, and a simple dream: make movies about fast planes and big bosoms. He got increasingly weird and reactionary over the next thirty years, then retired from public life. More a history of 1920s-1950s Hollywood than a biography, this book has the same sharp writing and in-depth film analysis that makes me love Longworth’s podcast You Must Remember This.

10. The Beguiled by Thomas Cullinan (1966)

In Civil-War-era Virginia, iron-willed Martha Farnsworth and her nervous younger sister try to run their nearly empty girls’ boarding school within earshot of a battlefield. When one girl finds Union soldier John McBurney injured in the woods, she brings him back to the house, where he exploits every conflict and secret among the eight girls and women (five students, two sisters, and one enslaved cook). Charming and manipulative, he nevertheless finds himself in over his head. Cullinan makes great use of the eight POVs and the deliciously claustrophobic setting; it’s fascinating to watch the power dynamics and allegiances shift from scene to scene.

9. A Gentleman Never Keeps Score by Cat Sebastian (2018)

Reserved tavern keeper Sam Fox wants to help out his brother’s sweetheart by finding and destroying a nude portrait she once sat for; disgraced gentleman Hartley Sedgwick isn’t sure what he wants after having his life ruined twice over, but he happened to inherit his house from the man who commissioned the painting...plus he’s not exactly reluctant to assist kind, handsome Sam in his quest. I wrote about this heart-melting romance two times last year; suffice it to say that it’s not only one of the best Regencies I’ve ever read, but also possibly the best romance I’ve ever read about the creation of a found family.

8. Frog Music by Emma Donoghue (2014)

Blanche Beunon, a French-born burlesque dancer in 1876 San Francisco, has a lot going on: her mooching boyfriend has turned on her, her sick baby is missing, and her cross-dressing, frog-hunting friend Jenny Bonnet was just shot dead right next to her. In the middle of a heat wave, a smallpox epidemic, and a little bit of mob violence, she must locate her son and solve Jenny’s murder. This is a glorious work of historical fiction; you can see, hear, smell, and feel the chaotic world of 1870s San Francisco, plus Blanche’s character arc is amazing.

7. The Patrick Melrose novels (Never Mind, Bad News, Some Hope, Mother’s Milk, and At Last) by Edward St. Aubyn (1992, 1992, 1994, 2005, and 2012, respectively)

Born to an embittered English aristocrat and an idealistic American heiress, Patrick Melrose lives through his father’s sadistic abuse and his mother’s willful blindness (Never Mind),  does a truly staggering amount of drugs in early adulthood (Bad News), and makes a good-faith effort at leading a normal life (Some Hope). Years later, the life he’s built with his wife and two sons is threatened by his alcoholism and reemerging resentment of his mother (Mother’s Milk), but there may be a chance to salvage something (At Last). Despite the suffering and cruelty on display, these novels were the farthest thing from a dismaying experience, thanks to the sharp characterization, grim humor, and great sense of setting. Also, I love little Robert Melrose, an anxious eldest child after my own heart. 

6. The Perilous Gard by Elizabeth Marie Pope (1974)

In 1550s England, no-nonsense Kate Sutton is exiled to the Perilous Gard, a remote castle occupied by suspicious characters, including the lord’s guilt-ridden younger brother Christopher. Troubled by the holes she sees in the story of the tragedy that haunts him, she does some problem-solving and ends up in a world of weird shit. Cleverly plotted, deliciously spooky, and featuring an all-time-great heroine, this book was an absolute treat. The beautiful Richard Cuffari illustrations in my edition didn’t hurt, either.

5. An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole (2019)

Daniel Cumberland, a free black man from New England traumatized from being sold into slavery, and Janeta Sanchez, a mixed-race Cuban-Floridian lady from a white Confederate family, have been sent on a mission to the Deep South by the Loyal League, a pro-Union spy organization. Initially hostile to everyone (but particularly to somewhat naive Janeta), Daniel warms to his colleague, but will her secrets, his shattered faith in justice, and the various dangers they face prevent them from falling in love? Nah. Alyssa Cole’s historical romances deliver both on the history and the romance, and this is one of her strongest entries.

4. The Lady’s Guide to Celestial Mechanics by Olivia Waite (2019)

Heartbroken by the death of her father and the marriage of her ex-girlfriend, Lucy Muchelney decides she needs a change of scenery and takes a live-in position translating a French astronomy text for Catherine St. Day, the recently widowed Countess of Moth. Catherine, used to putting her interests on hold for an uncaring spouse, is intrigued by this awkward, independent lady. I’ve read f/f romances before, but this sparkling Regency was the first to really blow me away with its fun banter, neat historical details, and perfect sexual tension.

3. The Wager by Donna Jo Napoli (2010)

After losing his entire fortune to a tidal wave, Sicilian nineteen-year-old Don Giovanni de la Fortuna sinks into poverty and near-starvation. Then Devil makes him an offer: all the money he wants for as long as he lives if he doesn’t bathe, cut his hair, shave, or change his clothes for three years, three months, and three days. This fairy-tale retelling is an extraordinarily moving fable about someone who learns to acknowledge his own suffering, recognize it in others, and extend compassion to all. 

2. Vampires in the Lemon Grove by Karen Russell (2013)

In this collection, Russell weaves strange tales of silkworm-women hybrids in Japan, seagulls who collect objects from the past and future, and, yes, vampires in the lemon grove. She also posits the very important question: “What if most (but not all) U.S. presidents were reincarnated as horses in the same stable and had a lot of drama going on?” My favorite stories were “Proving Up” (about a nineteenth-century Nebraska boy who encounters death and horror on the prairie), “The Graveless Doll of Eric Mutis” (about a disadvantaged high school student who discovers an effigy of the even more hapless boy he tormented), and “The Barn at the End of the Term” (the horse-president story). 

1. The Wonder by Emma Donoghue (2016)

Lib Wright, an Englishwoman who has floundered since her days working for Florence Nightingale during the Crimean War, is hired to observe Anna O’Donnell, an eleven-year-old Irish girl famous for not eating for four straight months. With a jaundiced attitude towards the Irish and Catholicism, Lib is confident that she’ll quickly expose Anna as a fraud, but she finds herself liking the girl and getting increasingly drawn into the disturbing mystery of her fast. Like The Perilous Gard, this novel masterfully plays with the possibility of the supernatural, then introduces a technically mundane explanation that’s somehow much more eerie. Donoghue balances the horror and waste that surrounds Anna, though, with the clear, bright prose and the moving relationship that develops between her and Lib, who grows beyond her narrow-mindedness and emotional numbness. I stayed up half the night to finish this novel, which cemented Emma Donoghue’s status as my new favorite author.

#books #reading #top twenty

[hazardville]

Fuck You Facebook

So, in case anyone’s seeing this without coming here from my Facebook: Facebook removed this post because it was flagged as spam.  I’m preserving it here because this information should be shared and Facebook’s attempts to obscure the sharing of health information should be condemned, widely and publicly.  Enjoy. This is a long post addressing two underlying issues with the current response to the pandemic that leave me concerned.   It’s the longest post I’ve ever written.  The Medium version of this post (link below) has been viewed 1.2M in less than the last 24 hours as of 3/17/20. For those of you not taking action, or believing the pandemic to be “over hyped”, you can make fun of me as much as you want now or when this is over.  You can make me the subject of memes and post it everywhere.  I will pose for the picture.  I am not trying to convince you, but I do feel compelled to share information that I deem critical to all of us, which is why I am posting this at all. WHY YOU SHOULD TAKE 5 MINUTES TO READ AND CONSIDER THE INFORMATION I AM SHARING: As of 3/15/20 at 9 am PST this post has been shared over 50k times since it was posted 2 days ago.  So a lot of people find value in the post and although it's a long read, I believe you will find this information valuable too. For those of you who don’t know me well, I am analytical and metered.  I don’t freak out nor do I respond emotionally.  I also don’t post a bunch of bullshit or political or controversial stuff on Facebook.  I founded and am CEO of a successful software company that provides SaaS based data, analytics, and dashboards to recruiting departments at companies we all know.  As you would expect, I am data driven and fact based.  Before founding my company I held executive roles leading very large recruiting teams at some of the world's fastest growing companies such as Starbucks and Google.  At Google I was fortunate enough to report to Sheryl Sandberg before she took the Facebook COO role.  I was a Chemical Engineering major in college and have a business degree from a top undergraduate business school.  I am not one for hyperbole or histrionics.  My bullshit factor is close to zero. I share all this personal information only to help solidify that this post may be worth reading and sharing with others. I would encourage you to forward or share this post at your discretion.  Many people do not understand what is happening with the pandemic to the degree required which is why I took the time to write this and share this on Facebook. Now that I've gotten the introduction out of the way, here are two issues I want to bring to everyone’s attention.   ISSUE ONE:  SOCIAL NORMS ARE POWERFUL MOTIVATORS AND GETTING IN THE WAY OF PEOPLE TAKING THE RIGHT STEPS IN RESPONSE TO THE PANDEMIC:   One of the current problems with addressing the pandemic is the social pressures of taking action today. It's awkward, and feels like an over-reaction. The reason it feels like an overreaction is that most people OVERWEIGHT the currently reported cases and inherently UNDERWEIGHT the mathematics of how the virus is spreading and what will happen in about 30 days time. This is because our brains tend to think linearly as opposed to logarithmically.  It’s the same reason many people don’t save for retirement or understand compound interest.   To create a new social norm, human beings like to see behavior modeled. This serves as a signal that says, “oh, someone else is doing it so I should do it also.”   SO HERE IS A SOCIAL BENCHMARK FOR REFERENCE - THIS IS WHAT I’VE DONE FOR MY FAMILY TO DATE: I have already isolated my family. We have canceled EVERYTHING. We have canceled previously scheduled doctor visits.  Social get togethers.  No play dates.  Normal routine meetings.  Everything has been canceled.   It's difficult and socially awkward. Some of you think I’m crazy, but I’m doing it not because I am afraid, but because I am good at math (more on that in part 2).  I had to have my 16 year old daughter quit her job coaching junior gymnasts at the local gym, with one day’s notice and also tell my kids they can't attend youth group at church. Both of those were tough discussions.  I told a very close friend he shouldn’t stay at my house this weekend even though he was planning to and had booked his flight from the Bay Area.  I canceled another dear friend’s visit for later this month to go snowboarding on Mt Bachelor. We are not eating out.  Our kids are already doing online school so we don’t have to make changes there.  I would not send my kids to school even if they were in public or private school.  We have eliminated all non-essential contact with other people.  We will only venture out to grocery shop when required.  We will still go outside to parks, go mountain biking, hiking, and recreate to keep ourselves sane and do other things as a family, just not with other people.  We have stocked up on food and have a supply for ~2 months.  We have stocked up on other goods that if depleted would create hardship, like medicines and feminine hygiene products.  We have planned for shortages of essential items. THE REASON I HAVE CHOSEN THIS ROUTE FOR MY FAMILY IS MULTI FACETED: 1.    Although my family is considered low risk (I’m 49 in good health, Angi is 46 and in good health, and our kids are 14 and 16), we must assume that the healthcare system cannot help us, because the hospitals will become overwhelmed very quickly.  Most American hospitals will become overwhelmed in approximately 30 days unless something changes.   More on this in part 2 below.  So although we are in great health and unlikely to become gravely ill, the risk is greater if you do not have access to the medical care that you need.  This is something for everyone to consider.  As a society we are accustomed to having access to the best medical care available.  Our medical system will be overwhelmed unless we practice social distancing at scale.  That said, the medical teams in Italy are seeing an alarming number of cases from people in their 40s and 50s.  Triage tents are already going up in the parking lots at many hospitals close to the epicenters in the United States. 2.    It’s not a matter of if social distancing will take place, it’s a matter of when.  This is because social distancing is the only way to stop the virus today.   As I will explain in part 2 below, starting now is FAR more effective than starting even 2 days from now or tomorrow. This has been proven by Italy and China (and soon to be France and other European countries who have been slow to respond.) [updated as of 3/14 France is now on lockdown mandated by the government].  Wuhan went on lockdown after roughly 400 cases were identified (and they had access to testing that America has systematically failed to do well to date).  The US already has more than 4 times this number of known infected cases as Wuhan did when it was shut down, and our citizens are far more mobile and therefore spreading the virus more broadly when compared to Wuhan.  Yet our response is tepid at best.   If hand washing and “being smart” were sufficient Italy would not be in crisis.  So I pray the draconian measures are coming from our government, because they are required to stop the spread of the virus.   It’s better to start sooner than later as the cost is actually far greater if we wait.  I pray they close all schools and non-essential services the way that Italy and China have done. 3.    Spreading the virus puts those in the high-risk category at much greater risk.  This is the moral argument.  It’s a strong argument because there are only two ways, as of today, that the virus can be stopped:   let it run its course and infect 100s of millions of people, or social distancing.  There is no other way today.  If you don’t practice social distancing, people downstream from you that you transmit the virus to will die, and many will suffer. 4.    The risk of infection is increasing exponentially, because the quantity of infected people, most who will not show symptoms, is doubling every three days.  So the longer you wait to self-isolate, the greater the chance of you or someone you love becoming infected and then you infecting others because more of the population is becoming infected.  There are twice as many infected people today as there was on Tuesday. 5.    The virus is already in your town.  It’s everywhere.  Cases are typically only discovered when someone gets sick enough to seek medical attention.  This is important as it typically takes ~5 days to START showing ANY symptoms.  Here’s the math:  For every known case there are approximately 50 unknown cases.  This is because if I become sick, I infect several people today, and they infect a few people each tomorrow (as do I), and the total count of infected people doubles every 3 days until I get so sick I get hospitalized or get tested and become a “known case”.  But in the time it takes me to figure out I am sick 50 others downline from me now have the virus.  So every third day the infection rate doubles until I get so sick that I realize I have the virus an am hospitalized or otherwise tested.  Harvard and Massachusetts General Hospital estimate that there are 50x more infections than known infections as reported (citation below).  The implication of this is that the virus is already “everywhere” and spreading regardless if your city has zero, few or many reported cases.  So instead of the 1573 reported known cases today there are likely 78,650 cases, at least, in the United States.  Which will double to 157,300 by this Sunday.  And this will double to 314,600 cases by this coming Wednesday.  So in less than 1 week the number of total infected in the United States will quadruple.  This is the nature of exponential math.  It’s actually unfortunate that we are publishing the figures for known cases as it diverts attention away from more important numbers (like the range of estimated actual cases).  [Update as of 3/15/20 - I've been sent more research that may add clarity to the ACTUAL cases vs CONFIRMED cases and will update this post with any conclusions] 6.  Some people cannot, or will not, practice social distancing for a variety of reasons and will continue to spread the virus to many people.  So everyone else must start today.   The reasons above are why I have begun to practice social distancing.   It’s not easy.  But you should do it too. The hospitals will be at capacity and there are not enough ventilators. You will hear a lot about this issue in the coming few weeks... the shortage of ventilators. ISSUE TWO:  MANY PEOPLE ARE FOCUSED ON THE WRONG NUMBERS: Yes, the virus only kills a small percentage of those afflicted.  Yes, the flu kills 10s of thousands of people annually.  Yes, 80% of people will experience lightweight symptoms with COVID19.  Yes the mortality rate of COVID19 is relatively low (1-2%).  All of this true, but is immaterial.  They are the wrong numbers to focus on...   The nature of exponential math is that the infection rates start slowly, and then goes off like a bomb and overwhelms the hospitals. You will understand this math clearly in the next section if you do the short math exercise.  Evergreen hospital in Seattle is already in triage. I have heard credible reports from people on the ground that they are already becoming overwhelmed.  And the bomb won't really go off for a few more days.  Probably by Wednesday, March 18th (next week).  In just a few days from now we will hear grave reports from Seattle hospitals.   [update as of 3/15/20 - see the comments section below for an update from a staff member at Evergreen Hospital in Kirkland, WA] You should assume the virus is everywhere at this point, even if you have no confirmed cases in your area. YOU SHOULD DO THIS SIMPLE 2 MINUTE MATH EXERCISE (NO REALLY TAKE TWO MINUTES AND DO IT): To further understand exponential growth, take the number of confirmed cases in your area and multiply by 10 (or 50 if you believe Harvard and Massachusetts General estimations) to account for the cases that are not yet confirmed. If you have no confirmed cases choose a small number.   I’d suggest 10 cases in your city, if no cases are yet reported.  But you can use whatever number you like.  This number of infected people doubles every ~3 days as the infection spreads. So literally take your number, and multiply by 2. Then do it again. Then do it again. Then do it again. Do this multiplication exercise 10 times in total. 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 x (the number of estimated infections in your city today (not just the reported cases)).   This result is the estimate for the actual cases in your area 30 days from now.  The math will take 30 seconds to complete with a calculator and it’s worth doing the math to see how it grows.  This end number is the number of cases in your city 30 days from today if a large percentage of the population do not practice social distancing.   2 to the 10th power is 1024.  When something doubles 10 times, it's the same as multiplying by 1024.  The infection rate of the virus doubles every 3 days.  In thirty days there will be 1,024 times the number of infected people in your area as there is today if your community does not immediately put social distancing into practice.  One thousand and twenty four times as many infected people as there is today, in just 30 days.   Next, divide the final number (the scary big one) you just calculated by the current population of your city and you will be able to get the percentage of people THAT YOU KNOW PERSONALLY who will be infected 30 days from now.   Next take 15% (multiply by 0.15) of that final 30 day number of total infected people (the number you calculated by multiplying by 2 ten times). This will provide an estimate of the serious cases which will require hospitalization, and compare it to the number of beds and ventilators available at your local hospital.  Google the "number of beds" and the name of your local hospital now.  It takes 2 seconds and the number of beds is easy to find.  65% of beds are already occupied by patients unrelated to the coronavirus.  St Charles in Bend, Oregon where I live, has 226 beds and the town is roughly 100,000 people.  Most hospitals have on average, 40 or fewer ventilators.  5% of patients require ICU treatment.  There are very few ICU beds compared to regular beds in hospitals.  There are very few negative pressure areas in any hospital to deal with the containment of airborne diseases.   These numbers you just calculated are the Big Problem:  Too many patients, not enough beds, and a serious shortage of ventilators (the biggest problem) if we don't immediately begin social distancing.  More on this biggest problem related to the insufficient quantity of ventilators is below. COUNTRIES THAT GET OVERWHELMED WILL HAVE A MUCH GREATER MORTALITY RATE BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE ABLE TO ADEQUATELY CARE FOR THE SICK.   And by sick I mean not just coronavirus patients.  Your son or daughter that needs acute care surgery this May for his badly broken leg will be attended to by an orthopedic doctor that has been working at maximum capacity and working 18 hour shifts for 7 days every week for 6 weeks because it was required to care for all the coronavirus patients at her hospital.  Or the orthopedic surgeon will be sick with the virus and your son or daughter will be operated on in a tent in the hospital parking lot by a non-expert or a member of the National Guard.  Your elderly Mom that has diabetes and goes into acute distress next month may not receive ANY medical care because the doctors are consumed and have to prioritize patients based on triage guidelines based on success rate probabilities.  Your sibling’s family that are all injured in a terrible car crash in June will have diminished care.  If one of them needs a ventilator there will be none available because all of them will be in use by critical coronavirus patients.  Your young friend with cancer and a compromised immune system from treatment will succumb even though the cancer was curable and the treatment was working, because their body was too fragile to combat the coronavirus due to the chemotherapy and they couldn't receive the customized, acute care required due to the hospital being overwhelmed.  All of the above is currently happening in Italy, who had the same number of infections we have today just 2 weeks ago.  You must start social distancing today. The count of actual virus infections doubles every ~3 days. The news and government agencies are lagging in their response. So we hear that the US only has 1573 cases today (3/12/20) [update as of 3/15/20:  3115 confirmed cases), ( see https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/) and it doesn't seem like a lot.  It would be better to report the estimated actual cases, since reported cases don’t tell us much.  However, we know from China that the actual number of cases are at least an order of magnitude greater than the reported cases, because people get infected and do not display symptoms.  In math, an "order of magnitude" means ten times difference, or put another way, a factor of 10.  100 is 10 times greater than 10, so it's an order of magnitude greater.   Harvard Medical School / Massachusetts General Hospital just released their estimate (recording is here:   https://externalmediasite.partners.org/Mediasite/Play/53a4003de5ab4b4da5902f078744435a1d) that the actual cases are 50x greater than the reported cases.  So we likely have 75,000 cases in the United States already.  The number of reported cases is not that important. But let’s assume the current number of cases is only 10,000 ACTUAL cases in the United States just to be conservative and model out what will happen: If we don’t stop the virus from spreading, in 30 days we will have 2 to the 10th power more cases of infected people because the infection count doubles every 3 days (the virus doubles every 3 days and there are 10, 3 day periods in 30 days).   The math: 2 to the 10th power means 1,024 times as many cases as we have today (2 times 2 repeated 10 times).   This number is a catastrophically big problem for all of us:  We will have 10 million+ actual cases (10,000 actual cases today x 1,024) in the United States in just 30 days’ time if we continue without extreme social distancing.  10 million people with the virus.  And it will keep doubling every 3 days unless we practice social distancing. 15% of cases require significant medical attention, which means that 1.5 million people will require significant medical attention if 10 million people get infected (15% of 10 Million total infections = 1.5 million people requiring hospitalization).   1.5 million hospitalizations is way more than we have beds for at hospitals in the United States.  And 65% of all beds are already occupied in our hospitals.  But many patients (5%) with the virus need ICU beds, not just any old hospital bed.  Only about 10% of hospital beds are considered intensive care beds.  So we will have a huge bed shortage, but that is not the biggest problem, as we can erect temporary ICU shelters and bring in more temporary beds, as Italy has already done, and California and Washington hospitals have already done.   Evergreen Hospital in Seattle has already erected temporary triage tents in the parking lot as of 3/13/20.  All regular beds are full at Evergreen Hospital as of yesterday. Once the government of China, Norway, and Italy came to understand this math, they reacted accordingly and shut EVERYTHING down.  [update as of 3/15/20 now France has done the same lockdown]. Extreme social distancing is the only response available to stop the virus today.  The United States is not responding well nor are other countries like  the UK.  Countries that do not respond well will pay a much larger, catastrophic price. But hospital beds are not the big problem.  The lack of ventilators is the big problem.  Most estimates peg the ventilators in the United States at roughly 100,000 to 150,000 units.  See the study from last month: http://www.centerforhealthsecurity.org/resources/COVID-19/200214-VentilatorAvailability-factsheet.pdf The primary and most serious comorbid (comorbid is a medical term that means co-existing or happening at the same time) condition brought on by the Coronavirus is something called bilateral interstitial pneumonia which requires ventilators for treatment of seriously ill patients.  So if 1.5M people of the 10 million infected 30 days from now require hospital care (15% of the 10M estimated total infections), 1.3M may not get the care that they need because we don’t have enough ventilators, beds, and ICU beds in the United States.  And remember, this is only if ALL OF US EFFECTIVELY start social distancing by April 11th (30 days from today).  This increases the mortality rate significantly. BUT IF WE START EXTREME SOCIAL DISTANCING BY MARCH 23 (12 days from original writing), WE AVOID OVER 1.4 MILLION PEOPLE GETTING CRITICALLY ILL AND OVERWHELMING THE HOSPITALS: If everyone takes extreme measures to social distance, and the United States can dramatically reduce the spread of the virus 12 days from now, the math is very different, as the exponential growth will only be 2 to the 4th power (12 days divided by the doubling rate of every 3 days equals the exponent of 4): 2 x 2 x 2 x 2 = 16 So instead of 10 Million cases in the United States if we wait 30 days, if we act 18 days sooner, we will have only 160,000 cases (16 times the estimated 10,000 actual cases as of today), of which 15% are likely to require hospitalization.  This is 24,000 critical patients (a huge difference compared to 1.5 million acute patients).   The difference between taking extreme measures now, versus waiting even a few days, is very large due to how exponents work in math. THE OUTCOME IS EVEN BETTER IF WE TAKE ACTION IN THE NEXT 6 DAYS:  If the vast majority of the population self isolates and implements social distancing in only 6 days from now the exponential math is 2 to the 2nd power (6 days divided by the 3 days it takes the virus to double means the exponent is only 2).  In math this is "two squared". 2 x 2 = 4   Multiplied by the estimated 10,000 ACTUAL cases as of today (3/12/20) that means only 40,000 total cases will develop, 15% of which may be critical which is 6,000 critical patients. This is why you should share this post broadly.  If people begin social distancing in the next 6 days it will greatly reduce the impact on all of us.  It's why they say a "post goes viral". SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL REDUCE THE FINANCIAL IMPACT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY: Finally, the longer everyone waits to practice significant social distancing the greater the economic hardship will be on all of us.  Lost jobs.  Mortgage defaults.  Closed businesses.  Bankruptcies.   All will be minimized if you start social distancing today. Some of the reasons the economic impacts will be reduced are worth mentioning:  If we stop the virus now the overall duration of the outbreak will be far shorter.  The stock market will normalize more quickly and recover more quickly.  Businesses and people will be able to survive a shorter duration outbreak vs a longer duration outbreak.   More companies will avoid bankruptcy if we begin to practice social distancing now. This is a big financial reason to begin social distancing if you are employed by any company:  if companies see that the virus is being slowed, they will be less likely to conduct layoffs.  You will be more likely to be laid off or experience a job-related event if we don’t practice social distancing immediately.  As an HR executive, I’ve been involved in many, many layoffs.  It’s the last thing companies want to do.  But if they see that the pandemic will be shorter lived vs long and drawn out, they are less likely to make the permanent decision of laying off staff. The overall economic impact that hits your bank account will be greater if you wait or you don’t practice social distancing.   This is why Norway acted now, because it’s less economic impact to take drastic measures early than to do them later, and it saves a lot of lives and suffering by doing so.  And Norway has only one confirmed death as of this writing.   Many people have suggested they want to support local restaurants and other businesses, who have seen sales drop by 50-90%.  Stopping by and visiting them won't save them.  What will save them is social distancing and what you do after the pandemic is over.  If you are concerned, call them and buy a gift certificate over the phone. START TODAY.  I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.  YOU MUST START TODAY.   Finally, the article that I posted yesterday written by Tomas Pueyo has been read 30M times in the last few days and has been updated with new information.  It’s worth reading again. Here’s that link.   https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca Other up to date data I frequently consult regarding the pandemic is here: https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/ I hope this is helpful and useful.  My brain focuses on the math and I try and be fact based in my analysis and interpretation of how I should respond. THERE IS MORE INFORMATION IN THE COMMENTS BELOW WORTH READING AND I WILL BE UPDATING THIS POST, AND THE COMMENTS, WITH MORE INFORMATION, (AS OPPOSED TO CREATING NEW POSTS). MY FINAL PARTING THOUGHT:  Please share or forward this post at your discretion.   If everyone shares this post and two of your friends share this post and so on, we use the power of exponential math to work in our favor, which seems appropriate given the virus is using that same exponential math against us.   HOW YOU CAN REALLY HELP:  If you know people who have large numbers of followers, or people in the media, please leverage your personal relationship with them and ask them to amplify this post by sharing it or the Medium Post (link below)   For people not on Facebook you can email or text the link.   It would be useful to get the post on Twitter and LinkedIn by sharing the Medium post.  If you know people in government this fact-based post may help inform them to make the best decisions.   It's time for us humans to go on the offensive against the virus.  We must fight back.   There is only one way to do so:  Social Distancing.   Do it today. NOTE:  Anyone, including the media, is free to use this post, any related content, in all or in part, for any purpose, in any format, with no attribution required. Please direct message me if you have other ideas for how to raise awareness. Finally, I can no longer keep up with friend requests given how much this post has been shared.  To receive updates or follow me, please use the "Follow" button on Facebook.   3/16/20:  I am preparing a second post, now that 4 days have gone by since the first post. To receive it please follow me on FB.  I can not keep up with the friend requests. https://medium.com/@Jason_Scott_Warner/the-sober-math-everyone-must-understand-about-the-pandemic-2b0145881993 https://www.facebook.com/jason.scott.warner/posts/10163742243430144

[fatandnerdy30]

Little Orphan Spider Chapter 4

Peter was close to the group home, when suddenly his senses went crazy and he felt his skin crawl, telling him he had a bogey on his...six? Or was it nine? He didn't know, but he had someone following him. With a quick look, he didn't see anyone, but suddenly felt his left side tingle and he swung to the right, watching as a black arrow flew past him. "Oh come on! I don't have time for this!"

The teen sped up his web shooting, looking on the rooftops for the shooter, but he didn't seen anyone. Until, he cornered a building and found himself staring at none other than Hawk-Eye. And he was trained on Peter with a wicked looking arrow. "Holy crap!" the boy shouted. "You're Hawk-Eye! I'm a big fan! But, as much as I'd love to meet you, I have to get home!" The archer shot and Peter dodged, much to the man's chagrin. "Just what is this guy?" Peter heard him ask thanks to his enhanced hearing. "That's not very nice!" the boy shouted as he dodged another arrow. "I'm just the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!" Another arrow, dodged. "Now stop!" He got out of the man's sights, landing in a nook of a building, trying to control his breathing. If Mr. Martin checked in on him right, Peter was in so much trouble! "What is with these guys?" he asked himself. He was used to Iron-Man coming to 'encourage' him to join the Avengers, but Hawk-Eye was new. He never knew Mr. Stark would try and hurt him! Suddenly an arrow thunked into the wooden board next to Peter's head, making the boy yelp. "Hey! You could have put out somebody's eye with that!" Making sure his web shooters were attached to his wrists-they always were- he waited for the archer to make an appearance again, which he did. Taking aim, Peter shot twice, sticking the man's arms to the wall, his bow useless now. "Sorry! But, if it makes it any better, that will dissolve on its own in two hours! Later!" And Peter disappeared. But, Hawk-Eye was shocked. He'd heard Spider-Man's voice....and he couldn't be as old as Tony had said. He sounded like he a kid....but, that was impossible....wasn't it? It took twenty minutes for Peter to get home and strip and get dressed again. It was a little painful, since one of the arrows had actually clipped his side, but that would heal in an hour, tops. Peter was just putting his shirt on, when he heard a knock and pulled the material hurriedly over his head, jumping  onto his bed just in time for his door to open. "Came to check on ya," Mr. Martin said cheerfully, smiling softly on the boy. Peter wasn't sure this man ran a group home for boys, the way he kept his cool all the time. "I'm still here," the teen sighed. "Being bored." The man chuckled. "I know being punished is no fun, but it is for your own good. And heck, you're the most well behaved boy here, so you're not used to this." Mr. Martin picked up Peter's legs and sat, placing the limbs in his lap. "So, excited about the internship?" At that the boy's eyes lit up. "Yes! I mean, I couldn't believe it when I read that letter! How cool is it that I'll be working in the same building as the Tony Stark? It-it's been my dream for years to get a job at Stark Industries and help people." The man nodded. "I know it has. I've read your file," he chuckled. "But, in all seriousness, I'm so proud of you, Peter. You have no idea how much." He patted the boy's thigh and stood, dropping the boy's legs with a smirk. "And, good job on the lawn today. I may have you cut it every week." This made Peter groan and his head fell back on the bed, making Mr. Martin laugh as he closed the door. Finally, it was nighttime. Spider-Man time! Well, not yet. Peter had told Mr. Martin that he'd finished his homework-which wasn't a lie- and he was heading to bed. But, he was actually heading out to patrol. After visiting Ned, of course. So, that was how he found himself hanging outside his friend's window while his mom talked to him for about forever. She left and Peter crawled in through the open window. "Finally! I thought she'd never leave!" "Sorry about that. She likes to ask about my week and all that." Peter felt a pang of jealousy, but pushed it down with a smile. "That's nice, man. Is that mine?" the boy eyed the plate filled with Enchilada's, his stomach growling at the smell. "Have at it. She tried something different, but I couldn't taste it." As soon as Peter took his first bite, he could tell the woman made them from scratch instead of buying the seasoning packets. He was in heaven. "Oh man, these are so flipping good! I wish the home would make something like this. Today it was 'mystery meat'. Meaning, if you got sick, it was a mystery from what." He smiled as he wolfed down the food on the plate, half of them gone in minutes. "Oh man, that sucks. But, now you're here! So, you ready?" Ned took out the box and Peter nodded, his cheeks puffing out with food. Within the next hour they had more than half of it together, but then the sound of sirens could be heard and Peter looked up. "I gotta go. Finish it tomorrow night?" "Definitely. I'll get on the computer and tell you where those sirens are coming from." "Cool. See ya!" Peter flipped out the window, shooting a web and started toward the direction they were coming from, hiding the Bluetooth in his ear. "Spider can you hear me?" Ned's voice came into his ear. "Loud and clear, chair guy." Peter could practically feel his friend's smile. "The sirens are coming from a police raid of a drug ring on Layton and Baxter. You sure you got this?" "Yeah, sure. I can handle this." He sped up, using the wind tunnel created by the buildings to propel himself forward. The night wind was a little chilly at night around the start of spring, the winter still in the air. But, Peter loved it. The tingling of his fingers as he swung from the webbing he created, the exhilaration of being in the air, sometimes doing a flip for the public's entertainment. It was great! "Uh-oh," Ned said suddenly. "Peter, they've got some pretty bad weapons too.  I just hacked the swat teams body cams. They don't look like their from Earth. They look...alien." That made Peter almost pause, but he shot another web, now able to see the red and blue lights in the windows of buildings. "Great. That means whatever the Avengers brought here, left some surprises behind. How many of their messes do I have to clean up? Seriously, it's getting ridiculous." He snapped the webbing from his wrist and landed on a telephone pole, watching the scene. Everything looked calm, until suddenly, it wasn't. Peter let out a shout as an explosion went off, big enough to knock him off the pole, but he caught himself and watched the scene. Bodies lay everywhere, some moving, some not. The teen's eyes went wide as he scanned the area. "No..." he whispered. "Ned! Is the camera still working?" "Y-yeah, it is. That was the craziest thing I've ever seen! Did you see that explosion!" "Yes, Ned, I did. Now, tell me if there's anyone alive in the building!" Peter could hear the clicking of keys in the background of Ned's muttering before he answered. "Yes, there are people still alive. I have no clue how, but-" "Great-" the teen cut him off. "I'm going in to help try and evacuate. Call for paramedics!" He shut the blue tooth off then and jumped to the ground, checking on the guys that were moving. "Help is on the way," he told them. "Just hold tight. I need some help if there's anyone available to go into the house!" In seconds there was an army of slightly injured police officers moving forward in a hurry, with Spider-Man leading them. Peter took off into the house, going to the more dangerous areas of the collapsing two-story house, where he found hardly anyone. And looking down, he knew why. A hand was sticking up from the rubble, but when he went to pull it out, suddenly it turned to ash. The teen could only stare at the spot in shock. What could have done this? "Hey, Spider-Man!" a police officer called down the hall. "Are there any survivors?" Peter could only stare at the spot for a moment, before another call got him to jolt out of shock. "N-no....there's no one alive in here..." He was shaking. Nothing felt real. Six months, he'd never seen a dead body before, and then he comes across a hand. A hand and he freaks out. "N-ned," he said shakily. "I need to get out of here....anywhere....." "Are you okay?" Peter didn't say anything, just walked out of the building. He didn't look at anyone, not the survivors, and especially not the sheet covered bodies.Instead, he shot a web and took off. The minute he was away from the scene, he let the tears out with a scream. He would never be able to forget the sight of the hand, the blackened hand, turning to ash from Peter just touching it. He shot a web and another, not caring where he was going, until he was too tired to move. He made it to a building ledge and collapsed against it, his hands able to keep him up as he sobbed. He knew, taking this job, he knew he would most likely see something horrible, but he couldn't predict his reaction to actually seeing it. He was repulsed, disgusted....and scared. He was so scared. Even though there was a nip in the air, the teen shook as if he were standing in a refrigerator for hours. Tears were pouring down his face, soaking the mask. He was about to take the mask off, when he felt someone behind him and he pulled it down. "I'm really not in the mood, Stark," he bit in a watery voice. "Not Tony," A strong voice said and Peter turned, holding his arms up in defense. "Easy. I don't want to hurt you, I just wanna talk." Captain America stepped out from the shadows, his mask not even on, since the whole world knew who he was anyway. "Hey, what happened? Are you hurt?" He reached for the super-hero, only to have his hand smacked away. "Don't touch me," a voice said that didn't sound like what he'd heard a minute ago. "Okay, no touching. What happened?" Peter sniffled. "Nothing that you care about. And what is it with you guys suddenly? I mean, first Tony Stark, then Hawk-Eye, and now finally you? Why are you all so desperate for me to come to your side? Because, I am no no one's side but my own, do you hear me?" He was angry about the weapons, and the destruction they caused. "Why would I want to join a team that set loose weapons like...like..." Peter's breathing got heavier and he stifled a sob. "You are all just making things harder for the world we live in! So do me a favor, and stop coming to me, okay? Just, let me protect whoever you consider 'out of your pay-grade'." Shooting a web, he jumped from the roof and disappeared into the night, heading home to rest and hopefully get some sleep. Sunday morning came slowly for the masked Spider. All night he lay in his bunk bed, climbing up to the top bunk to stay out of Mr. Martin's eye. He wanted to stay away from everyone's eye today. He didn't even think about closing his eyes after the first time he tried, and the hand came alive, grabbing at him. So, Peter just stayed awake reading a book, or studying. Anything to prevent him from sleeping. So when the sun came up, he was more than grateful for his punishment, because he didn't know if he could even stay awake in school. So, he just dozed in bed until he would feel his stomach rumble. He knew his metabolism was crazy fast, so he needed to eat like, all the time, but that day, he just couldn't think of food, even though his body craved it. So that night, he snuck out the window again and went straight to Ned's place, waiting outside the window for his friend to tell him it was all clear. "Whoa, dude, you look horrible. What happened last night?" Peter swallowed, then his stomach let out such a loud gurgle, it even surprised him and the teen blushed as his friend stood up. "Hey, no worries. Mom got take out tonight, and I asked if we could get an extra pie. If anything, I'll just say I was up all night gaming or something and ate it." Peter felt so grateful to his friend when he came back in the room holding a box. "It's a little on the cold side, but I figured it wouldn't matter." He set the box down and in seconds, Peter was tearing into it, half if it gone in five minutes. When the pie was gone, Peter sighed and sat on the bed with a content smile. He loved living in New York. This city had the best pizza. "So, I was worried about you last night when you shut your earpiece off...." Ned started, twiddling his thumbs. "I know I can't be there for everything, but, I'm your guy in the chair. If you need to talk to someone, even if I can't give any advice, I can at least listen." Peter felt bad instantly about what he did to his friend the night before. "I'm so sorry, Ned. I..." he took a deep breath. "I saw something...bad....When the explosion went off, I went into the house with a few police officers. Since I'm light, and can heal fast, I went into the dangerous part of the house...That's when I saw what those weapons can do. The alien ones? There was a-a hand, peeking out of the rubble. "It looked black, like it was burned, and I thought maybe I could check to see if the guy was alive....and when I touched the hand, it just went poof. It turned to ash." Tears burned the brunette's eyes. "I've never seen anything like that...and I got scared. Then, Captain America came, and I feel like the Avengers are all chasing me down or something, because everywhere I go, there they are! I can't seem to shake them..." Ned jumped up and hugged his best friend, feeling the other shaking in his grasp. "I'm so sorry..." he whispered over and over, letting his friend cry it out. When it sounded like he was done, Ned pulled away and gave him an awed look. "But, at least you got to meet Captain America! That is so cool." Peter sobbed out a laugh, punching Ned's arm softly. "Dork." Ned called it a win because he got his friend to smile. "Wanna work some more on the Lego we started?"

#IronDad #IronMan #TonyStark #SpideySon #spiderman #PeterParker #MamaBear #PepperPotts #ProtectiveAvengers

[alittleroseandhoneyblog-blog]

Sticks and Stones

A comment left on one of my photos!*

Let’s start this by simply saying Thank you!

Thank you for taking the time to comment on one of my photos – thank you for providing your opinion on a topic that we as women face on a daily basis – I want you to know that when you attacked my body, you did not effect me in a negative way – you did not discolor my self esteem, you did not hurt me (as I have been through far worse) and you certainly did not make me think any less of myself– in fact you empowered me.

You’ve made me stronger, so thank you!    

In many ways you are right, your opinion is exactly that – but it’s your form of “fit” that I do not fit into – not mine (or those who love me)  You see, this whole industry is in the eye of the beholder – it’s what we choose to get out of the process that matters, it’s all indifferent and perhaps if you removed your rose-colored glasses you would see beauty in all the different shapes and sizes the human body comes in rather then taunting those around you for not having your form of fit.

Those comments set us back, they linger and are a leading cause of so much self doubt and self sabotage and that conversation needs to change, you cannot be teaching children that – in fact, you should be educating yourself because YOUR perception of what “FIT” is needs to change.

FIT is defined as

“in good health”

……especially because of regular physical exercise.  

Well, that sounds like me…I mean

I have climbed the CN tower stairs, twice – all 1,776 of them.

I dance, every day for upwards of an hour or two

I lift weights every day

I fuel my body properly; I do not diet or restrict what foods I put into my body (because I am human)

So contrary to an unsolicited opinion on MY body…I AM FIT and here’s the thing- YOU (whoever you were) don’t get to decide – 

I have moved past that way of thinking – and I invite you to as well!  

I am not an expert.  I do not have a flashy background it fitness, I am not a trainer or a nutritionist – but what I do have is life experience, I’ve been through trauma (that I am still healing from) I have demons that I have been so ashamed to face until recently because of fear of judgement from not only strangers but from people who frequent my table.  The truth is none of this is easy to talk about, no one wants to stand up and talk about their body in a negative way, or relive their toxic relationships no one wants to risk appearing weak when there is already so much judgment out there, but guess what, we all have pasts, we all have gone through something that has lead us to be who we are today and just because someone has a similar story and lived through similar situations (and survived) doesn’t mean that your story is any less validated, it doesn’t make the experience any less traumatic or hard and it certainly doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to tell it – we tell our stories in hopes that it helps someone so that it shows that we can go through dark times and still rise – we should be encouraging people to read their chapters out loud instead of claiming rights to something that many of us have faced whether its disordered eating, body image, mental health, self sabotage, relationships…and so much more. 

My first ever heartbreak had a lot to do with my weight at 21 … I will never forget how I watched a man that I loved fall out of love with me as the number on the scale went up. I was insecure about it but we never talked about it - I never asked the right questions I never asked if he was still attracted to me (as he gained the same “happy” weight I did) I didn’t ask if he was falling out of love with me but up until that point I never struggled with my body image and I believed that the number on the scale didn’t define me – but the truth is, it DID (in my own mind at least) – and in the end he broke up with me.  Truthfully, I can pinpoint that to exactly when my negative relationship with my body started.  B and I ate out a lot and If we weren’t eating out then I was cooking big meals that were greasy and with portion sizes that were out of control, I thought food solved everything. I gained about 30 “happy pounds” and hit my second puberty. My hips went up 5 sizes, my boobs were out of control and I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror anymore.

Dating as a chubby girl was seriously depressing so much so that I tried online dating (I know, save the judgment for later) I remember only using pictures of my face and avoiding anything that showed my body – and I ended up meeting this guy and after a few days of us texting we went for a movie (we had a wonderful time and he seemed really into me) but unfortunately on the ride home he pulled over 3 times and PULLED IT OUT…(I am not joking and there is a whole other story to this) anyways – I declined – politely (3 times, once with tears lol)  I could tell that his ego was a little hurt.  Shortly after he dropped me off at home I got a message from him that said… “you know you’re a lot bigger in person” as if that was the reason he wasn’t going to see me again - (not that he was a total pig) but honestly I was shocked and so embarrassed that someone openly commented on my weight (that wasn’t my grandma) and I wont lie It really hurt my feelings,  but I politely reminded him that the weight was something I could easily work off, but he was stuck with a small dick for the rest of his life (lol) and so we never spoke again (until he came across my social media last year and has been creeping ever since!!)

The truth is in that moment I became so desperate to have my old body back - to be able to fit into my old pair of jeans (the “before” him jeans) that I started skipping meals – I lied to my loved ones about what I was putting in my body - I ended up in the hospital - multiple times with stomach pain and exhaustion - I took a leave of absence from work because I was too sick to even get out of bed.  

I DID THAT - I starved my body and all I can remember thinking at the time was that it worked, I lost the weight as if it was some miracle.  It didn’t change anything- I was still sad, I was still skipping meals and I knew that mentally I was not in a good place and it didn’t help that 6 months after the break up that spiraled all those negative feelings just announced he was getting married.  This went on for about a year, where I struggled with disordered eating and my body image - I met matt, at my thinnest and I maintained that as long as I could - fast forward to pregnancy (which turned out the be incredibly unhealthy) I was still  starving my body, its really the only pattern I knew and I continued to watch my weight,  I didn’t want a repeat of what happened with B, So I limited my calorie intake – But once I realized what I was doing I started eating smaller meals more often, then the portions became larger, and within a few weeks I went from not eating the foods I wanted to eating everything in sight.  I would over-eat…and then eat and then eat some more…and in 3 months I gained almost 40lbs (60lbs my total pregnancy), went borderline Diabetic and ended up having a premature birth at 7 months followed by my gallbladder being removed shortly after-  great experience, right!  

My mentality at that time was “Well my body is changing anyways, may as well enjoy it…”

Or “I’ve already gained this much weight, what’s another few pounds….”

WRONG, wrong, wrong WRONG - that is not a healthy mentality at all and again is a part of that self sabotaging culture that we as women live in.

I wasn’t surprised that 5 years later I still owned 95% of that “baby weight”, I knew I needed to get serious – I put blinders on when it came to my health I was overweight, I was lazy and I lacked motivation to work out and it wasn’t until about a year ago that I actually committed to something that worked for me… (did you catch that… “something that worked for me”, because everyone is different ) Anyways- It certainly didn’t happen overnight, and I had to overcome a lot of personal demons that ended up being bigger then just a negative body image - I had to get raw and admit that in some situations I was the toxic person – that I allowed my circumstances and for that I carried so much guilt. 

The point is! 

As human beings we need to learn to co-exsist with all of our demons whether its food, weight or body shape or even our mental health – we need to be as patient with ourselves as we are others, mindful of our own feelings, our own needs and we need to cultivate in them.  This is why this conversation is so important to me – why I choose to address certain things, why my social media is public- no one but me has the right to narrate my story and so the best I can do is live well,  without fear of judgment, comfortable in my skin, in my decisions 

- Although I am as open as I can be, I choose to be very conscious about what I post on social media (for a few reasons) - One is simple, my husband has to approve of the content being posted. Out of respect and love for that man who has supported me unconditionally throughout this process, regardless of being 1000% confident in my “now” body, he prefers some things to stay private (in which I totally agree) but the other is because there are people (no scratch that) women out there whose “dream body” is my “then” body –  and the words I use to describe how I felt in my own skin during that time can damage someone else’s perception of their dream body, it can become discouraging – But understand this, I know now that my body was actually never the problem. That additional weight I carried, was beautiful. I admit there have been things that I have been insecure about, yes but that was society making me believe that my body didn’t look right,  that was social media and marketing saying you are only worthy of real love at a 120lb and everything else is unlovable.  That was my own self sabotage that made me believe I wasn’t good enough as is and so I went to drastic measures to try and comply to what society told me beautiful should be and throughout this entire process I wish I would have told myself sooner that being a size 12 did not change my banging personality or my sense of humour and being a size 8 didn’t change my heart, or how I viewed the world and being a size 4 now doesn’t make me any better of a person then I was 10 years ago when I felt my worth was dictated by the number on the scale.  I have had to accept that not everyone will see “fit” the same way I do and unfortunately because I have decided to put my life on social media the way I do, I have opened a window for others to form that opinion of me, I have allowed them judge me, to be passive towards me or to even question my character and in some cases those opinions will be voiced but I welcome them and if by chance you are that person who wants to dim my light know this you can’t break me - I am 10000% comfortable and confident in who I am – Broken past, Belly fat, cellulite, saggy boobs and all (Lol)

I will end with this, I will not apologize for “showing off” as I have earned the right to – I will not apologize for over coming the two worst relationships I’ve ever had and will ever have in my life (food and my self worth) – I will not apologize for being my own version of fit even if it doesn’t align with yours and I certainly will not apologize for being who I am.

As far as I am concerned, as long as you are not harming others in any way, live unapologetically in all you do.  You don’t need validation from anyone or anything!

#fitness

[thebrownblog]

Different Seasons: Two Years in Quebec

Well, once again it’s been a while (I won’t even pretend at the end of this entry that the next one will be soon, it’ll be some time in 2021 if I follow the average posting frequency). What’s up folks? What could I possibly be here to talk about today? Probably the one thing that distuingishes and defines my life, the fact I moved thousands of miles from home to a place that seems to be frozen half the year, and doesn’t have English as a first language…and then decided not to move on again, stubbornly at times.

Before starting this, I just read back through my previous post from October 2017. “A hundred thousand changes, everything’s the same” sums it up nicely. It was clearly written by a younger, more enthusiastic version of myself who was still on a high from just arriving, and hadn’t yet experienced 2 brutal winters. I’d say I’ve probably matured and grown more in 2 years here than in the previous 5, however difficult Paris was. The foundations were laid by the Parisian struggle, but it’s definitely Quebec that’s put a few hairs on my chest. 

This is a very seasonal existence, and there’s no way around it. The euphoric highs of summer and the beauty of autumn juxtaposed with the looooong slog that is winter. The euphoria of being out on the road all the time seeing beautiful place after beautiful place vs being stuck at home because of the gloomy and sometimes dangerous conditions (I will NEVER forget for as long as I live, how close I came to death in a sudden snowstorm in Maine last October, when visibility suddenly dropped to about 20cm in front of the car on a winding mountain road with moose out and about at night). I’d go so far as to actually call it a bi-polar existence over the course of a year, a life of extremes for sure. Am I capable of growing old in conditions like these? Probably not, but I’m not ready to give it up yet, and if I ever do I’m not sure it would be to go back to England anyway. Who knows?

However, I loved it here at the beginning, and I still do today. Why? Same reasons, by and large. Open space, open road (weather permitting). My own slightly bizarre version of the American Dream probably (Well, it IS just 25 minutes away). Ever since I was a kid, I was going to end up on this continent somehow. I always wanted to go to the USA. Why? Most likely being a big reader and film fan. Everything I loved reading and watching was always set in America. America to me was not and still is not defined by who is president at the time, and what crazy sh*t is happening politically. It’s more of a concept. To me it represents vast open space where you can go anywhere, and become anything you want as long as you have the will and the fortitude to make it happen (if the American Dream is dead I certainly never got the memo, and don’t really want want to either). In the end I ended up close enough, AND with a humane healthcare system.

What else do I love about here? The fact I feel like I actually have a chance in life. You can still work hard here in a ‘regular’ job here for a few years, save up and buy a house. This is completely dead where I come from, the idea of home ownership for me one day in London is a sick joke, and Paris was no better. I recently just moved into my own place for the first time, and actually have a spare bedroom…and it all costs less than a box room with barely enough space to swing a cat in in London. These things would have mattered less to me at 21, but now rapidly approaching 30 (yikes!) they matter more and more. Quality of life now matters a lot more to me than a place being hip and vibrant, and I have it much better here.

Some people understand completely, and others think I’m crazy, but that’s okay, crazy’s always worked for me.

I think to really understand me on this, you have to understand that I’m not attached to where I come from whatsoever. I miss my family a lot, and it’s painful at times, especially knowing my little sisters are growing up seeing me twice a year, but the place itself I could happily never see again. When you understand this, you can better comprehend how I’ve lasted this long already without the end being in sight yet.

Another big question is how someone from London feels more at home out in the sticks, and I think there’s two valid answers to this question. One is that I was completely and utterly burnt out with big city life after my negative experiences in my last years in London, and then the backbreaking experience in Paris in which I couldn’t even see just how miserable I’d become until I left. I clearly just wanted peace, affordability, a slower pace of life, and no more f*cking public transport!

The second is connected to childhood and Sweden. I grew up in London but I would always go to visit my grandparents a few times a year in Sweden, where they lived in the countryside. It was always a magical place for me, and everything that’s come out of me here (love of peace and quiet, nature, and nature photography etc) all actually started over there when I was much younger, but came out with a vengeance in Quebec. Funny how nearly everything about us all is programmed by our childhoods one way or another, whether we see it or not. 

It is also my theory that people always crave the opposite of what they grow up with: those that grow up in the country want the bright lights of a big city, and those that grow up in cities often want a slower pace after a while.

Ironically, my life has also been busier living in a small place than it ever had been before. I came to learn quickly that doing nothing in these weather conditions is not an option unless you want to find yourself fat and depressed in a hurry. There ARE things to do here, you just have to find them yourself, the internet isn’t going to tell you much. Aside from private tutoring, I’ve kept busy in a wide range of eccentric ways. I’ve joined a rugby team, a football (’soccer’ to all you North American lunatics) team, played a lot of badminton, and got myself more seriously involved in photography. You’ll notice a lack of winter sports, which is a shame I know, but sadly I know myself and know I was born with two left feet. I don’t want to risk injuring myself in a way that would keep me from driving for any period of time as I’d lose all of my income. You drive or you die out here. A train?? What the hell is that???

So, what’s really changed for me since the post I made near the beginning of the experience? The biggest thing is probably integrating. I couldn’t understand a word anyone said to me here for the first 2 months. I spoke French well enough already after a year in France, but the dialect and accent here is so different it was often basically worthless. Nowadays I communicate just fine, and have integrated into the community. It’s been a new social experience for me being known pretty much everywhere I go. That’s what happens when you work at schools in a small place and you have something about you that is unique (a Brit who actually speaks the language and lives here…yeah, there aren’t many….). 

It’s very different from the anonymity of a big city, and like all things has its pros and cons (sometimes you just want to go into a shop and buy something without being recognised by a current or former student), but mainly pro. Community spirit is a good thing that’s been pretty much lost in larger places. There’s definitely a kindness and willingness to help here that is more prevalent than anywhere else I’ve lived previously. Some of the families I private tutor for seem to have adopted me as one of their own!

Another big change was getting a new 2-year VISA in April which allows me to have any job, my first one was very restrictive, and made it tough to earn decent money at times. After getting it, I finished the year by supply teaching for a few months which was great experience, and certainly an adventure in itself as I ended up subbing for just about every subject on the curriculum. Obviously with the exception of English classes, this meant I had to do it in French all the time. If subbing for Maths, Science, and French isn’t a testament to how far I’ve come with the language from not being able to understand anything at all during the first two months here, I don’t know what is! However I drew the line at doing dictation in French one time, and put Netflix on instead, there are limits!

VISAs, VISAs, VISAs….well I’ve got myself started now. There’s been a constant stress from the moment I decided to stay on in October 2017. With the VISA I currently have, and the year I’m entitled to with my Swedish passport, I could fairly easily stay here until April 2022. However, I’m really tired of temporary solutions, and all the admin and costs that go into obtaining each one. I want to become a permanent resident, which is a more daunting and complex beast. When I come back from my trip home in early September all my energy will be put into finding a full-time job. You can’t get permanent residency without one. Whatever subbing and tutoring pay me is irrelevant because neither count as full-time, and I can’t go and study anything without swapping my working VISA for a restrictive study one (the headache never ends you see).

In many ways this next phase of the journey is going to be the acid test in terms of where I will end up. I will walk away from the teaching world temporarily or permanently if I need to, in order to find a full-time gig and get my residency. However, the job will have to involve my being an anglophone who speaks French to a high level. This is my advantage in this town, and the card I will always look to play in the employment game. If it can’t help me here like I’ve always thought it could, I would have to look elsewhere in the province eventually, and if there was still nothing cooking, I would have to ask myself the question for the first time about whether I would prefer to live amongst other anglophones in Canada, all opportunities being equal. 

These are all ultimately questions for another day though. What’s certain is I have a good chunk of time left, and in that time I will continue to travel around Canada and the USA as much as I can within my means. I often feel like a born nomad, and I love nothing better than hitting the road and seeing new places. That’s my pleasure in life, and long may it continue. Everything else will work out how it’s supposed to, it always does.

Tomorrow’s flight back to England finally signals the end of the beginning in this long, meandering, and very seasonal story.

TL;DR:

Winter is too long and I need a full-time job to become a permanent resident, but I still like it here, and people are nice.

[ruthandliamgoplaces]

Last two weeks in Nepal!

Our last two weeks have flown by, and I am writing this in the air on flight number one to Oman. The next blog entry shall tell tales of our time in Pokhara, a yoga retreat, and then, similar to my fate in Portugal last year - the Great Malaise- I got ill for the last 5 days of our trip!

Back in Civilisation- Pokhara.

After the Annapurna Circuit we spent two nights in Pokhara, a large city located on a picturesque lake with a beautiful bustling and colourful tourist area. Pokhara, busier with tourists than Kathmandu, is the hub for most of the trekking industry and the majority of people stay here before and after their treks. It therefore has lots of amenities to please the tourists, and is awash with hostels, swanky (by Nepal standards) hotels and spa resorts. There are loads of eateries and coffee shops, some restaurants even do pretty spot on Western food and there is a KFC and a Baskin and Robbins! There are also quite a few bars. In this Westernised bubble, many tourists don’t bother to respect the local Nepali cultural customs of modest clothes, and lots of bum cheeks are falling out of short shorts, or biceps peeping out of vests.

After 40 days of the same menus (fried bread, fried rice, fried potato or fried omelette, with fried cabbage, fried onion or fried carrot), we got stuck in immediately to eating different food! Well, not immediately. As usual in Nepal, nothing quite goes to plan. The hotel we had booked had been overbooked... so we had to be moved to a different hotel... as usual in Nepal, no apology is really made for these mishaps, the proprietor just smiles your questioning face into oblivion with his magical spell of “no problem!”. It was a problem, as the hotel we were moved to was not as good as the one we booked, but we still had to pay the price of the original hotel.... ah well. We were so tired, it mattered little. On the plus, we were reunited with our bag (yay!) and spoiled ourselves by wearing some different clothes! Also, we were moved to the hotel we had actually booked the following day, and got to enjoy the luxury! The manager had at least given us the best room to compensate for the night before, and we had a beautiful balcony and amazing views.

We passed two happy days in Pokhara, drinking wine and cocktails, and browsing the many shops selling souvenirs and clothes, and replaced some of our tatty clothes. We also bought some clothes for yoga, as we had decided to go to a retreat for a week!

On the third day we moved to Begnas Tal Yoga retreat, and I took with me about 40 mosquito bites on my feet, acquired from the carefree cocktail devouring session wearing flip flops by the lake. Thank god I didn’t have to wear my walking boots again, as I am slightly allergic and the bites were hot, red, itchy and angry, and kept me unwanted company, right up until we left Begnas!

Begnas Yoga Retreat

We arrived in Begnas after a 25 minute taxi journey from Pokhara, and were greeted by a glorious lake and jungle. Begnas is a very small town, also very popular with tourists but far less developed than Pokhara. It is rural and peaceful, well... peace from traffic. On our first night I had one of the worst nights sleep I’ve had in Nepal due to a very very loud bird, whose song will forever be burned into my mind. The bird was defending its nest in a tree outside our window for the whole week we were there, by singing the same alarming song on repeat with no gaps. It was particularly loud at night, and we were glad we had ear plugs! The song always begins innocently enough, but quickly builds, increasing in volume, pitch and frequency until it sounds like a high pitched squealing menace. I honestly think the bird could be used as an instrument of torture. Everyone at the retreat joked about the bird, as we all suffered it’s pitched perils. We even prayed to it to try and ask it to move trees! Our prayers were mostly unanswered.

The retreat schedule was roughly 6.30 walking meditation, 7.00 Nasal Irrigation (!) 7.30-9.00 Yoga, 9.30 Breakfast, 11.00 Treatment, 13.00 Lunch, 15.00 Yoga Theory, 17.00 Yoga, 19.30 Dinner and 21.00 Mantra and bed. Liam and I avoided the Mantra session and opted for bed and a western media meditation such as going on our phones!

The Nasal Irrigation requires some further explanation... apparently this is commonplace in Nepal... I remain unconvinced.

First, you pour about a decent sized mug full of warm salt water through one nostril, then the other. You tilt your head so the water pours out your other nostril... or if you have a blocked nose, your mouth. Then, you use a variety of techniques to evacuate the contents of your nose, blowing snot and water noisily all over the flowers and hillsides. So much snot comes out that it’s unbelievable that you could have so much. On my first day, water kept pouring from my nose for a good hour or so afterwards! Newcomers feel embarrassed by evacuating the contents of their nose in public... but quickly this process is normalised and you begin to become excited by the contents of your nose, and share tips for removing it, admiring each other’s snot loads. Yep.

The technique is said to clear your nose.. but my nose is never blocked anyway. I embraced it whilst I was there, but secretly mourned my delicate nose mucus which I’m sure does an excellent job and I suspect that my body harbours it for a reason. I also pushed to the back of my mind thoughts of the transmission of hepatitis, as we all merrily shared nasal baths together.

The yoga was really good, and we practiced twice a day in a glorious room with 360 degree panoramic views of mountains jungle and lake. We often stopped to watch birdlife and sunsets, or views of mountains, or laugh about The Bird. The only plague was mosquitos! Oh, and the Gurus mobile phone, his 3 year old daughter, and the ladies who came to take our food orders, who often also interrupted us!

The guru at the retreat was quite the character. As with everything in Nepal, the retreat was not quite like a retreat in the UK. The guru was quite often distracted during yoga or yoga philosophy, by his daughter, or tending some business, or by wanting to tell us some tale, or speak on the phone, or manage his staff. It was a new business, and sometimes it could be slightly chaotic! Things did not really run to schedules, and you never knew what you were going to get. It really didn’t matter though, we thought it was all part of the experience. Liam and I actually quite liked the lack of structure and discipline, we were tired and happy to lay around.

Not everyone agreed though, whilst we were there, one woman left three days early, and another left on the first night, creeping away under the cover of darkness, without telling anyone! We could understand why I suppose. If you were expecting a quiet nights sleep at a retreat, then you actually got a very loud bird, and a 3 year old who screamed periodically in the night! There was also the problem of the monsoon rains which flooded all the rooms several times (we learnt to stem the tides with towels), the lack of hot water (which we didn’t mind), and one guest’s bathroom smelt very badly (ours luckily was fine!). Or maybe it could have been eating your dinner sat on the kitchen floor with the ants and gigantic spiders (again, we didn’t mind).

All that being said, we had a wonderful time. The staff were all lovely and cooked us amazing fresh food every day. Much of the food was grown in the garden or collected from local markets. We saw gangs of wild monkeys cheekily stealing the food during the day! We were treated like gods, and fed constantly!

We also had some pretty amazing treatments. I had a mud bath, which included having my boobs massaged, which was, erm, an experience. In fact, by the end of the retreat, every female member of staff had managed some close encounter with my bare boobs. And I thought Nepal was a country shy about nudity. Not when it comes to doing beauty therapies it seems! The treatments were great though, we had massages, reiki healing, a steam bath, pedicure, oil bath... and were taken out on a boat and had a lovely picnic.

After the week was up, we were given a Buddhist blessing, and I felt close to tears feeling grateful for the experience of the retreat. It wasn’t quite the retreat I expected, but I got so much more. I got to share a week with a Nepali family and some lovely staff, and live in the jungle doing yoga twice a day. We learnt so much about local culture, from arranged marriages, road financing, education, the caste system, the Nepali wars and... unfortunately I also got to learn about illness...

The Great Plague

Having managed to avoid any illness for two months, Liam and I both contracted a sickness in the last week. We were both too grateful it hadn’t happened at any point before, such as at 5000m, to be too upset. Well, emotionally upset- our tummies were very upset! Liam got ill first, and his bug lasted 24 hours. I had to go and beat him.

The day before the end of the yoga retreat, I woke up and evacuated the contents of my stomach... and did so about 60 times that day, out of both ends. It was just litres of water coming out. Of course I googled cholera and thought it sounded the same, but Liam told me I was being a bit dramatic. Which it turns out, I probably was. Probably!

The illness was with me for four days, getting slowly better. But, it caused a great deal of concern as we had a plane to catch, and I wasn’t going anywhere considering I couldn’t even make the en-suite bathroom sometimes never mind go roaming in the wilds away from a room.

Never have I been more humiliated than to poo myself whilst we had an en-suite bathroom. And not just once. Four times.

Luckily, we had travel insurance and they had a telephone GP service. I sought some advice and the GP was hopeful my symptoms suggested a virus which would clear up in time for the plane (not cholera, after all, then). And she was right. Didn’t stop me spending the last 4 days of my holiday in bed though. I moved from the bed at the yoga retreat to a very nice hotel in Pokhara, and that was all I moved.

We didn’t mind too much. We had air conditioning, room service, a very comfy bed, and a TV! Liam even got to watch the football.

The end of Nepal

So, I recovered enough and now I’m in Oman airport. Our last day was spent on a bus to Kathmandu, a bus which we paid double for to have a bus with a toilet (just in case). A bus which broke down, and then we were promptly transferred to cheap bus, with no toilet (thankfully I didn’t need it) and no refund. Futhermore, the bus dropped us off on a different part of Kathmandu, so we had to pay extra on top for a taxi. But it’s ok though, the driver said “no problem”, so there was no problem. Paying double and some more to go on a bad bus. But hey, we made it!

Next stop... driving to France in a week!

[bambyeol]

This Band (p.8)

B.A.M SEQUEL now updating daily!

pairing/s: band! park jihoon x oc ; band! bae jinyoung x oc ; doctor! hwang minhyun x oc

character/s: park jihoon, park woojin, bae jinyoung, ong seongwoo, kim jaehwan, ha sungwoon, lai guanlin, kang daniel, yoon jisung, hwang minhyun

genre: angst, fluff, music (band)

summary: never date your band mate.

warning : a sequel so I’d appreciate it if you’ll read B.A.M first. though you can always live dangerously and read this immediately.

This Band (p.1) This Band (p.2) This Band (p.3) This Band (p.4)  This Band (p.5)    This Band (p.6) This Band (p.7) This Band (p.9)  This Band (p.10)   This Band (p.11)   This Band (p.12)   This Band (p.13) This Band (p.14)  This Band (p15) This Band (final)

B.A.M p1 // B.A.M p2 // B.A.M p3 // B.A.M final

wanna one masterlist

song inspiration: Sick by Got7

Now that you leave me and whatever you do

 I hope that you think of me 

That your days without me 

Are as sad as mine 

---

The following week, the chaos over the upcoming reunion was increasing without limit. There were speculations that the previous controversy surrounding the ex-lovers was merely a publicity stunt to put the reunion in the radar of the public’s attention. Although, this accusation was not enough to stifle the thrill over the December event.

Social media was blowing up with fans predicting the exact date and venue, broadcasting stations were promoting the event every chance they got, and old BAM songs have even made their return on radio countdowns. Some have thought up their own dream reunion setlists and boosted BAM songs back up into the charts. Needless to say, it was going to be bigger than they all anticipated.

The Underground housed the rehearsals for the whole month leading up to the big day. Plastered on the walls of the small event space were snapshots of their early days as BAM and the members tirelessly stared at these bits and pieces of memory as they waited for everyone else to arrive for the concert planning process.

Jaehwan bustles into the Underground all disheveled, making his way to the side of the room without looking at the members due to his rush.

“Guys, sorry I’m late, I spent too much time in the shower wondering how I’ll act with Jihoon and Riseul in one room--”

“Hyung, relax.” Jihoon piped up from behind the amplifier, shrugging and pointing to Riseul who arrived way before anyone did.

“You look more tense than we are.” Riseul chimed in to lighten up the mood. She then brushed off Jaehwan’s dumbfounded stare and stood up, signalling the commencement of their first ever production meeting.

“So, the management informed me that all we need to worry about is our setlist and promotions. Everything else from styling to lighting and other equipment would be taken care of.” Sungwoon announced in a rather professional atmosphere, setting the tone of the discussion perfectly.

“What do we have so far?” Seongwoo asked.

“A blank setlist and thousands of excited fans.” Woojin threw his arms up sarcastically and flailed his arms around in mock excitement.

“Well, we better start filling that list up now.” Jisung, the trustworthy leader, clapped multiple times to make sure he’s got everyone’s eyes and ears.

“Already on it. I’m on randomizer.com, now if you could just enumerate all our songs from day one.” Baejin whipped out his phone, beginning to type up song titles to feed into the raffle website.

“Jinyoung, you’re really taking after me.” Grabbing a seat from the nearby table, Seongwoo sat beside Baejin, taking no notice of the disapproving glances of the other members.

“Yah, yah. Guys. You’re telling me that we’re putting our fate in the hands of the internet? I think we’ve done too much of that these days,” Woojin slumped into his seat, showing disagreement.

“Our supporters are already creating their own dream setlists so we can look at those to get an idea of what they want to hear most.” Jaehwan sat on the floor and opened his laptop, redirecting to an online music chart and some blog posts written by their listeners.

“I know it’s a reunion concert but I think the audience would really be psyched to hear a new song or two. If that doesn’t make things too hectic.” Riseul proposed, scanning the members faces to see if they approve with the extra work.

Sungwoon, Jaehwan and Jisung were almost immediately won over by this idea but the others took turns and expressed their concerns over the time frame and the composition process itself.

Riseul notices Jihoon nodding along as she further explains her request, visibly weighing the pluses of coming back with new music at the end of the year.

“I think that’s a great idea. After all, it’ll be touching to write a song solely about reuniting. That boosts the emotional impact on the fans.” The convincing tinge in Jihoon’s voice along with that bit about making much more of a mark on the fans made the others nod as well.

“It might be possible. I mean, unlike before we have more hands and minds now.” Riseul’s response seemed to do the last push.

“It’s settled then? We’ll make a bomb setlist before we go home today and start working on the new songs starting tomorrow. Overnight is enough to get our thoughts in order?” Jisung finalized the plan to conclude the informal voting.

“Yep!” They said in unison and gathered closer to get into today’s business. Growing up has indeed made them more systematic and professional in their dealings. They knew in that moment that going beyond  the expectations of the audience was what would make this reunion as explosive as it has been made out to be.

They all sat in a circle, each holding either their own instrument or their phones, all set to create.

Riseul sat between Jaehwan and Guanlin, directly in front of Jihoon to whom she smiled to for supporting her stand on adding to the setlist. He smiled back and turned to his phone with his cheeks frozen to the same stretch.

As a tease to Jaehwan’s grand entrance a few minutes ago, Riseul leaned to her side and whispered, “See, this isn’t so tense isn’t it?”

Jaehwan blocked his ears. “Don’t rub it in.” ---

“Yah. It really feels like I’m back in time.” Woojin stretched his arms after settling in his seat. It was 1am and with proddings from the youngest Baejin, the whole band was now sitting around a long table at a barbecue restaurant, throats still strained from rehearsal yet ready for a long night of drinking. Tonight they were back to being a simple group of friends in their youth; not a famous band nor individuals who were separated for several years.

It took some time to ease the tension between all of them when rehearsals for their reunion concert started. Apparently, not only Jaehwan felt a tinge of awkwardness brought by the two. But a few sets later, they were all reminiscing about their first ever gigs, the contests won and the countless songs composed, all of them apparently adhering to a silent agreement not to mention anything about the recent controversies nor the past relationships.

“The difference is that we can all drink now.” Baejin pumped his fists in the air and looked up, followed by cheers from the rest of the band.

“But you still act like a child, Baejin-ah.” Seongwoo pushed the younger man’s arm down and tapped him on the top of his head.

“Yah, say that to me when I have to drag your drunk ass back home.”

“Okay, okay. Everything’s on me. Order up!” Sungwoon announced as he stood up to wave over the server.

More cheers erupted from the group as everyone picked a dish and a drink of their choice. At the corner of the table Jihoon and Riseul sat facing each other.

Throughout their rehearsals, Jihoon and Riseul felt more and more at ease. The warmth was coming back, or it was there temporarily anyway. They’ve shared some glances and some smiles, although reluctantly, scolding themselves afterwards. But they end up repeating the actions anyway. They glance up as familiar lyrics come up, one-liners they remembered they thought up together. They glance up as difficult notes were hit, their eyes expressing a tap on the shoulder.

“Beer for you?” Jihoon asked, earning a nod from Riseul.

“And soju for you?” he smiled at the mimicked response, tone and all, and nodded back.

“Soju for everyone!” Jaehwan, seated near the ex-lovers, tapped the shot glasses with his chopsticks and got everyone’s attention before they noticed the exchange at the corner of the table. In a while, alcohol will take over their systems and the mindless teasing will inevitably start. Where that will lead, it’s probably best not to know.

The orders arrived as the conversations continued. The two wordlessly predicting and subtly observing what dish will end up on each other’s plates. It surprised both of them how much they remember about each other’s tastes.

He eats everything but he can’t handle too much spice.

She loves garlic. Maybe a little too much.

“Riseul-ah, you love this, right?” Jihoon got a little too over-excited at the sight of the steaming tofu stew placed in front of them. Without thinking twice, he grabbed Riseul’s empty bowl and started ladling some of the stew onto it.. “Here, while it’s still hot.” He said, eagerly looking at her and gesturing for her to try it out.

“Huh--Oh, yeah. Thanks…”

“Jihoon-ah, last time I checked Riseul had hands of her own…” Seongwoo nudged him multiple times with the sole purpose of annoying him.

“You’re already drunk? You’re the weakest, hyung.” The eagerness gone from his eyes in a split second, he pushed Seongwoo aside jokingly and went back to eating. He sees a meat jeon that was not on his plate before.  

“It’s your favorite.” Riseul mutters without looking at him directly and took a swig from her mug.

Maybe it’s the atmosphere or maybe it was the alcohol slowly getting into their systems that’s making them take such bold steps like this. Or maybe it was their inner consciousness, in all its genuineness, trying to make its way out. It felt good somehow, pretending nothing was ever wrong between them. It felt good to have that fluttering feeling again; the feeling that someone was looking at you admiringly from your peripheral view. It felt secure. It felt familiar.

“I see your tolerance is still as high as ever.”

“Uh-huh. Sad to say, yours is still at an all-time low.” Riseul proudly jutted out her chin and stuck out her tongue at Jihoon.

It was already a couple of hours past midnight and most of them were already out of it. Jaehwan and Sungwoon can be heard singing their hearts out at the coin-powered karaoke machines, while the younger members were in the middle of a pointless contest of who could consume the most soju with chopsticks.  

“It became a habit I guess?” Jihoon shrugged.

“Being a weak-ass became a habit?”

“No, not that!” Jihoon just shook his head at how silly she was acting. Nonetheless, he finished getting his point across. “Drinking little became a habit. Because I always had to take care of you back then.”

“For the record, I never black out when I drink. All I become is a bit tipsy and nothing more. Totally self-aware. So you really didn’t need to worry that much.”

“Ey. I was just doing my job as--”

“Hyung, noona, we’re playing never have I ever, want to join?” a flush-faced Baejin called out, cutting Jihoon off mid-sentence, and pulled his chair nearer the pair. “You know how it works right?”

“Just put a finger down when you’ve done what the other person tells you. We’ll go clockwise.”

“Person with the most fingers down by the end of the game should give us a consequence.”

Guanlin and Seongwoo took turns explaining and eventually everyone around the table except for Jaehwan and Sungwoon, who were still at it straining their throats, had their fingers up, either forced or willing to participate in the supposedly lighthearted drinking game.

“First! Seongwoo-hyung, never have I ever had to flirt with a lady to get my drums repaired for free.”

“That’s strangely specific! Yah!”

“Riseul-ah, never have I ever been friends with someone who has pink hair.”

“Seriously?! Remember when you had pink hair?”

“Guanlin-ah, never have I ever been to America.”

“That’s really lame, hyung.” Guanlin put a finger down followed by a roll of his eyes.

And as more fingers went down, the players started decreasing as well. The restaurant was filled with their laughter and banter mostly from Seongwoo who was the first to be eliminated.

“You better not give me a consequence that involves public humiliation.”

“But isn’t that the point of it all?” Riseul shrugged and put on her pretend thinking face to tease the losing player.

“Ah! I won! In your face, Baejin-hyung!”

“Yah, I’m still older than you!”

Guanlin and Baejin, who were the last players, noisily settled their childish conflict and ended up teaming together to give Seongwoo “the worst possible consequence in the history of consequences.”

Their night ended as each of them tapped out, deciding too late that it was probably best not to stay out until the sun begins to rise again. Their game was long over and Seongwoo has done his dare (with much delight from his tipsy younger members).

But a particular boy was not yet done asking for answers.

Before all of them could file out of the restaurant, Jihoon gently held both of Riseul’s wrists, pulling them to make her palms face him. With Riseul’s fingers now outstretched in front of him, he mirrored her, their palms almost touching.  

The question Jihoon was about to ask has been stuck on the back of his mind ever since he first saw her again. It was wishful thinking, selfish even; he’s been hoping that she never had eyes for anyone after their separation. He thought knowing this would once and for all ease a fraction of his insecurities. Or worsen them if it goes the other way.

It certainly has crossed his mind that Riseul deserves someone better than him after all. Someone who did not hold her back. But he didn’t have the guts to concede and admit this to himself. Deep inside he believed that their story was meant to continue.

“Never have I ever….dated anyone after you.”

All of Jihoon’s fingers stayed upright. He looked straight into Riseul’s eyes, with a soft and expectant expression. There was a long pause in which none of them spoke and even their breaths seemed like they were on hold. But just as Jihoon’s hopes were skyrocketing...She’s not putting any fingers down...Riseul finally let go of the heavy breath and slowly folded her thumb in.  

“I have.”

“I see…” Jihoon looked down and coughed as if doing this would brush away the warmth slowly creeping up his face.

Riseul nudged Jihoon’s hands with her own and eyed his still outstretched fingers, nodding to signal him to continue. She, too, was waiting for a response: a simple movement from his fingers or the lack of it.

“I haven’t.”

“Ah. Is that so…” With her hands now back to her sides, she decided to try and probe further. Despite her already knowing what he was about to utter. “Why not?”

“Because I couldn’t...I still can’t.”

Riseul started to say something but closed her mouth just as soon as she opened it, stopping to think twice about letting this conversation flow on. But Jihoon took care of that for her, leaving his words hanging vaguely in the air around both of them and saying his goodbyes without any further explanations.

“Go home safely. See you in rehearsals.”

“See you. Be safe.”

They asked questions and it left them with more.  

---

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