#she's been pretty depressed and lonely since she had to start working 100% from home bc of her stroke

[maironsbigboobs]

-

#wish i could do more for my mum. #she's been pretty depressed and lonely since she had to start working 100% from home bc of her stroke #and she can't work as much as she used to #and me & my sibling are both away at uni #so she is home alone #and then there's issues with my aunt and my grandmas will that mean she doesn't have £ to retire anymore #and i just... i feel so angry and upset that i can't do anything #and then i am dreading moving back home because i feel like i am going to end up responisble for everyhting #for her for my dad for my sibling for the dog #and i feel bad that i feel bad about that #:(

[crystal-moon-101]

Charmcaster and Mike!💚

I present to you the chaotic magical duo! They were pretty fun to draw with their colours and different body shapes, and these two I've been really wanting to talk about since I've made a lot of rewrite changes for them. Before I get into that, I recommend you read my Dagon Arc Rewrite, to get a better idea of where I've taken these characters, as I involved them quite a bit in that story line. Albedo will be the next redesign eventually, and I'm glad people are liking what I'm doing with these characters so far.

-Mike Morningstar-

Soooo, Mike. He's always been an interesting concept to me, because there are two ways you could make his character go. One way is to just go full out with the creep and power hungry factor, making him a villain through and through, which can provide a very eerie character, which is the route canon mostly too. The other way, which I've taken, is you could make him a very complicated character, tragic even, with the idea of "If someone was born with dark magic, how would the world treat them", and since canon (Both the original series and reboot timeline) as taken the more evil villain approached, I'm taking a much different approach because I think his story can add a lot of interesting dynamics. In terms of his design, I went for the "rich winter" outfit aesthetic, since this lad does know his fashion and tastes.

Mike is an Apotrodite from his mother's side, the dark magic equivalent of Anodites. This means Mike primarily uses dark magic, but unlike other people, his Apotrodite sides means he is in full control of himself, and can't be tainted by dark magic. But that doesn't mean everything goes well...

His parents are Lilith Morningstar and Samael Morningstar, both Plumbers who work in the magical department of things, and since Lilith can use dark magic without it corrupting her, the two get a hefty amount of money working in a field only they can really handle. So they're a very rich family, owning two mansions on earth, and some holiday homes.

Mike was an...accident, not something planned, but his parents wanted to see what it was like, not realizing how raising a child takes a lot of work, especially one that was born half Apotrodite. You see, since Mike was only half, his dark magic didn't come naturally to him for a while, needing to adjust and train himself. There were worries Mike would end up hurting someone, which both Lilith and Samael were nervous about, since Apotrodites didn't have a good reputation anywhere for their use of dark magic. They feared that if Lilith or Mike made a mistake, they'll both be shipped back to their homeworld, which none of them wanted...

Sadly, a mistake did happen one day. Mike didn't mean too, it just happened suddenly, but he ended up hurting two other kids in Plumber Kindergarden, giving one magical burns, and nearly draining the life out of another. He felt horrible over what happened, and couldn't stop sobbing for the rest of the day as everyone debated what to do, and had a long discussion with Mike's parents. Lilith and Samael ended up pulling Mike out from school to homeschool him from now on...and didn't trust Mike to leave the house on his own ever, the fears getting the better of them. So...you could say Mike's childhood was rather lonely and depressing. Eventually as he grew older, he got into lots of arguments with his parents, until finally snapping and running away sometime after his encounter with Ben and his friends. If everyone was going to treat him like a monster, then he might as well be what they say he was and do it being free...

Mike does have an Apotrodite form, much like how Gwen has an Anodite form, but he hardly ever turns into it, even if it would save him energy and make his human form 'rot' less. He doesn't like being reminded of what he is, the reason behind all his problems...

He loves cats, and has always wanted one since he learnt about them.

Mike did end up helping Charmcaster when she was losing herself in omniverse, during the final fight with her. He was one of the few who managed to snap her out of her insanity, and later when she was recovering, she tracked him down with the help of Ben, and managed to convince him to come to Ledgerdomain with her, wanting to repay him for his help. Along with knowing that Mike was really just lonely and tired with the world...something she could relate too...

His hasn't been in contact with his parents since running away from home, and they haven't made an effort to reach out to him, not sure how to approach their son after what he became...

Mike and Hex have a very...awkward dynamic, since neither know how to talk to the other, especially regarding Charmcaster.

Loves scarfs, he just likes the way they look and feel.

-Hope Charmcaster-

Miss Charmcaster, a character who keeps spinning on that plot merry go round. She was defiantly someone who went insane due to how often the writing changed her up, which is a shame since she is a very interesting character, so that's what I'm here for. For her redesign, I've always loved the idea of her being short, plump and very curvy, and entirely confident with her body and looks. She knows she's hot, and owns it. I kept her outfit similar to her original and omniverse style, but played around with the look of it.

Her mother died at childbirth, so her father had to raise her own his own, with the help of Uncle Hex from time to time. Eventually after what happened in Ledgerdomain with Addwaitya, Hex has been looking after her since she was 8, but it wasn't easy, especially when he started tapping into dark magic to find ways to fight Addwaitya, and eventually going power hungry. Charmcaster knows Hex was trying his best, but there are things she can't forgive him for, even if they're getting better during her recovery.

She has black markings on her hands due to her use of the Alpha Rune and dark magic. The Alpha Rune also left a mark on her chest right above her heart. She is subconscious about these things, and tends to hide them from everyone and herself.

Ben 100% had a crush on her as a kid, and she knows it.

Charmcaster has a sweet tooth, and loves desserts. Her favorite is cake, strawberry cake to be precise.

She's still trying to be the Queen of Ledgerdomain, which isn't easy with what's left of it, but she's slowly getting them and creating a new age for the Kingdom, having opened it out to any magic user in the galaxy that needs a place to go.

Gwen and Charmcaster have been building up a nice friendship finally now that Charmcaster is getting help. It's been sweet, with Gwen doing normal teen and girl stuff that Charmcaster hasn't been able to do in years. The little things always remind her that she is human after all.

She is still on the hunt for Addwaitya with the help of Gwen, Hex, Mike and the Plumbers, after the turtle managed to run away during the fight against her.

Later on Mike and Charmcaster do meet other Apotrodites, and visit their homeworld, and does feel bad for their situation. They pair end up letting a good chunk of them move to Ledgerdomain, where it will be safe for them from the outside galaxy, and their contribution of dark magic knowledge really helps Ledgerdomain in the long run.

#Ben 10 #B10 #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 original series #Ben 10 Mike Morningstar #Mike Morningstar #Ben 10 Charmcaster #Charmcaster #Morningcaster #Ben 10 Redesign #Ben 10 Rewrite #My Art

[eyeless-cunt]

Ej being w a sexual shy reader

prompt 9 (?)

I mashed all of these prompts together into one— I thot they would fit 😳 (however it’s a lil different uwu)

also i listened to ego death by Mieke while writing this it goes with it WELL, so you should listen to it >:)) ON LOOP

🔪————————————————————————🌸

Summary: Y/N is alone and not fine with it. Ej is alone but fine with it. They mix. Ej remembers that his love is not immortal like him.

Word count: 3.3k

NSFW: u h. yes. It’s pretty mild tho and very VERY soft

Warnings: mild depression, grief, loss of a loved one, EXTREME FLUFFY NSFW, mentions of eating humans, mentions of reader death, slight angst, very fluffy, ej loves reader very much

Tag List: @jouchann

🌸————————————————🔪

Y/n was always shy. She grew up quiet, she lacked presence. She never raised her hand—nor her voice. She was talked over and trampled on. She grew up with loving yet quickly fading grandparents. They tried to give her attention but the life was draining out of them and quite frankly they wanted to spend their last years in the arms of their loving spouse. She didn’t mind, she figured she would rather spend all of her remaining time with her significant other as well. Although she had always figured that something like that was nowhere close to her in the near future. Or further future to be honest. She was too shy and small in character to make a lasting impact on anyone, after all.

Falling in love with an immortal demon wasn’t something shy girls did. Outgoing girls did that, spontaneous and loud and adventurous. Those were the type of girls to experience this. Confident and sure of themselves. Shy girls met someone in a library, in a coffee shop, maybe on a park bench. Not in the woods at four a.m. sobbing about their grandparents death.

It was cold and dark and wet. Her face was wet from tears and wet from rain, her fingertips and lips were red and freezing, ready to burst. She couldn’t go back inside. Not yet, not now. It had been a week since their death, her grandpa dying of simply old age, her grandmother fading one hour after digesting the news and coming to terms with it. Her heart was simply too broken. Instantaneous heart failure. They left her everything. The car, the house, the money, the cat— their belongings. She didn’t want any of it right now. She had no other family, no close friends. She was simply not the type to make a lasting impact on someone.

She didn’t want to go back to that house. She didn’t want to see their things laying around, now her things. They were all she had, how was she supposed to go on, being alone? She hated being alone and lonely and alone. If anything, the woods behind her house was almost comforting. The feeling of being watched, which usually would give someone chills and paranoia—helped. She wasn’t alone, she would walk into that house and her grandparents would wave hello at her, they would be holding hands from their separate but close recliners, watching whatever new show they found interesting at the moment.

Obviously, that wouldn’t happen. But she still thought it, hoped. Which was why she couldn’t go back inside. It would make it too real, they wouldn’t be there, she would be truly alone. As long as she didn’t go inside to see for herself, they might be still sitting inside, waiting for her. So she couldn’t go inside, or they wouldn’t be there anymore.

It was colder then before, even though the rain had stopped. The grass was starting to freeze, the sun had gone down more than two hours ago. She sat still against a tree trunk, holding her knees to her chest. She was tired, it was cold out here. She didn’t know if her fingers were still red or if they had turned blue. She didn’t have enough energy to check. Animals scurried around her, as if they knew she wouldn’t do them any harm. They knew she was incapable, so they ignored her and roamed around freely.

Her eyes were closing and opening, closing and opening, over and over and over again. Her head swayed, but she fought to stay up. Would her grandparents still be there if she fell asleep? She didn’t know, so she fought to stay awake. Her body won over her mind however, and soon her body slumped over as she hit the ground, her arms still curled into herself.

🔪Eyeless’s P.O.V🔪

I felt kinda bad. I mean, this girl was just sitting in my woods crying while it was raining. Watching her felt like an invasion of privacy...but then again she was in my woods. It was only fair that I watch her to make sure she didn’t get into any trouble. How did she even get in? It seems that tall prick needs to up his game.

I was patient. I had lived a very long time, I had an endless amount of time to do whatever I wanted. I knew that waiting for someone or something meant nothing. However I did worry about her time. How long had it been? I figured pretty long when she slumped over onto the icy grass, sound asleep. Humans felt temperature, didn’t they? She would get hypothermia if this continued. I had already eaten. I wasn’t hungry. Being feral every once in a while really made you full as hell for a few weeks. The thought of more food grossed me out considering I had eaten so much. She was safe, for now. If she ever came in my woods again however, I wouldn’t be too sure.

So in a moment of rare kindness for something like me, I dropped down from my tree and crouched to get a good look at her. Was she a run-away? She looked young but...I sifted through her pockets. An old tattered wallet. She had a driver’s license, not that much else. Then again I didn’t really look, just wanted to find an ID of some sort. She was an adult. So homeless? No. She didn’t look it. So just having a mental breakdown? probably. I picked her up, and felt the cold in her skin. It didn’t affect me but it certainly made me worried-ish for her.

I didn’t know where to take her. Where did she live, where did she come from? I couldn’t just take her with me, could I? No, definitely not. She would scream and argue and thrash as soon as she saw me. Well, I guess I could just say I was a cosplayer. Of some...random obscure villian or something. If she didn’t believe it and thrashed and screamed then I would just kill her. Easy. Take her home, warm her up, take her back to her home, done and easy. I hadn’t done something this kind for someone I considered my food in a very long time.

I adjusted her in my arms, trying not to press on her her or hold her too tight. Trying to hold back strength was not something I had done in an even longer time, and I was not used to it. I’m not sure how long it took to get there, but halfway I noticed the blue of her lips. I took off my sweatshirt and pulled it on over her head, not bothering to stick her arms through. She would retain more heat that way anyways. I’m not sure if i’m warm or cold, so it was a gamble to hold her closer to my chest. I did so anyways and started to jog, wanting to get there before she died.

When we got there I immediately turned on the heat. My house had many functions I didn’t use, although it seemed they finally had a use. I closed all the windows and doors, and grabbed a few blankets the previous (now long dead—like over 100 years dead) home owners had owned and kept in a spare closet. I laid her on the couch, although I wondered if my bed would work better for retaining heat. I figured there was no difference and kept her there, laying blankets on her. She would probably need a warm bath, but I figured she wouldn’t want me to stick her in there for fear of her wet clothes. I didn’t see an issue with undressing her but I vaguely recalled a moment when I walked in on Jane showering. I didn’t see an issue, she hit me with every bottle in there.

I wasn’t sure of what else I could do for her, so I ended up sitting in front of her on the couch. It was a few hours before she woke up, but I was patient. I have time. I wondered if I would have to kill her or not. I wouldn’t want to eat her, so it would be a waste.

🔪Third person P.O.V🌸

She had a short dream. Grey skin, navy blue, hot tar leaking out of holes in the wall, screaming. A lot of fire and singing. Then she didn’t dream at all. When she woke up, she was surprisingly comfortable. Her back hurt a little, and was a little cold, her hands were a bit numb, and she was sleeping on a soft yet bumpy surface. She liked being wrapped in these blankets, but she couldn’t seem to free her hands. They were trapped in something and she was far too weak to move them very much. He was surprisingly amused. She didn’t seem to know what was restricting her arms, and she didn’t seem all too panicked.

He thought her look of frustration was funny. They made eye contact. Kinda. They talked, although they don’t really remember what about. It took a long time, they weren’t sure how long, but eventually they entered a mutual relationship. Falling in love with immortal demons wasn’t something shy girls did.

Yet here she was. Her head in the lap of an immortal demon who she was in fact in love with. She never did end up going into that house, she tried. She tried and tried but the thought of her grandparents not being there when she walked in always stopped her. She always somehow found her way back to Jack’s house. Over and over and over and over again. Somehow she found her way into his lap. He absentmindedly played with her hair, not sure of what was happening on the Tv. He only installed it because she was always bored when he was gone. He didn’t mind the noise, as long as it wasn’t too loud.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he had last gone ‘feral’. It seemed crude to call it that, but technically that’s what he did. He planned on never getting into that state as long as Y/N was alive. Or at least around him. He hadn’t eaten in a week. He grimaced, knowing his last helping shouldn’t even of lasted him this long. He needed to go. He needed to hunt. But she seemed so content in his lap, and he knew he wouldn’t turn for at least another week if this continued. He had time. He could let her stay like this. She yawned, and looked up at him, smiling sweetly. He was sure he could feel his chest warm up his entire body.

She sat up and turned to lift up his mask, pecking him lightly on the cheek and giving another sweet smile. He never thought of humans as sweet creatures. But the woman in his lap was very sweet. Sweeter than any human he’d ever killed and tasted. Sweeter than the sugar water BEN had forced down his throat once. She was soft and quiet, until she opened her mouth. She had a lot to say then. He had time. He could listen. He could be patient. He would always be patient with her.

He wasn’t so sure how patient he’d be if he went feral. But swiped that thought out of his head. He wouldn’t go feral. He would hunt tomorrow—that’s what he decided. Sure she’d be by herself for a day or two but she knew the drill. He’d feel a bit bad as she clung to him, hopping he wouldn’t leave. A little guilty as he walked away from her as she held back tears. But she knew the drill.

He sometimes forgot that she didn’t have as much time as him. Forgot that one day she would leave this world and her human body would rot and decay into nothingness. She wouldn’t be sweet anymore. She’d be bones that he’d bury under a tree or some shit. He would pass her grave in a thousand years and he might not remember her voice by then. That thought sent him spiraling.

She would die. She was human. One day her life would end. The thought of him forgetting her voice, the way her kisses taste so sweet, the feel of her hands in his hair as a tv he didn’t give two fucks about droned on in the background. He didn’t want to forget. He never wanted to forget how warm her body was, the only temperature he’d ever actually felt. The only thing he’d ever actually love.

He didn’t want to leave her anymore. He hated leaving her. He’s never loathed anything more than being apart from her and knowing that while he was away, she was aging. She would grow old. Her bones would become brittle, and her eyesight would leave her. He would lose her and have to bury her in the ground. Cover her in dirt while bugs chewed at her corpse.

But he had to go. Or he would lose her even earlier, to himself. That would be unbearable. He would never be able to live thousands of more years peacefully if that happened. He might get over it, after how long. That made him hate himself. He looked down at her, her eyes trained to the Tv ahead of them. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, and when he pulled back she pushed foreward and caught him by the mouth. He couldn’t help but think about how sweet she was.

She pushed him back even farther, and he let her. Her hands pulled him closer, as close as he could get. She would never get enough of him, of how soft he was. His skin was soft, and so was his mouth. She was sure he’d never picked at the skin there like she had. A bad habit that made her lips bleed and harden. It made her self conscious, but Jack never seemed to mind. She was glad. She wasn’t expecting him to pull away and pull off his shirt. Sure, they’d gotten showers together and all that, but that wasn’t an action with sexual intent behind it. They’d never gotten that far. She assumed he never wanted it, or that she wasn’t desirable. Or maybe demon-like creatures like him just weren’t into things like that.

Him pulling her into his lap seemed to tell her otherwise. She wasn’t sure what to do with her hands. Her mind was a mess. Were they about to have sex? Did he want it? Did she want it? Of couse she did. But did he? Her hands shook, so she gripped his arms, a bit embarrassingly. He probably noticed. He kissed her forehead, sweetly.

“Do you want to?”

She practically gulped. She was incredibly nervous, and her anxiety kept reaching new heights. She’d never even kissed someone before Jack came into her life. She had never been close enough to a person before. This went from 0-100 in minutes. She nodded anyways, but he didn’t seem to believe her.

“Are you sure? You look pale. We don’t have to. We can just go back to cuddling and watching Tv. Okay?”

“No, i’m just nervous. I’ve never done any of this.”

“That’s okay. I don’t think I have either.”

“You don’t think?”

“I don’t remember much of my human life. I might’ve, but who knows?”

That made her laugh a little, even though it was a bit sad. She felt better, but was still nervous. What if He didn’t like her body, or he was grossed out by it? When was even the last time she shaved literally anything on her body? Probably at least a week or two. She was sure he’d find that disgusting.

“We really don’t have to. Especially if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to. But I also haven’t shaved it a while.”

He wanted to laugh at that. That was her reason? He thought it was silly, but if it was serious for her then he’d try to take it seriously too.

“I don’t care about things like that.”

“I haven’t gotten a shower.”

“I don’t care about that either, but if getting a shower and whatever else would make you feel more comfortable then you can do that, obviously. But I really, really, don’t care about any of that stuff.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am positive. It seems a bit shallow to really care about something like that. And I honestly find you beautiful no matter what form to appear in. I would still love you just the same if you were covered in dog shit. I wouldn’t fuck you until you got a bath...but I would still love you.”

He felt like she needed just the right amount of love and validation from him to feel more confident, and he hoped he was making her feel better.

“I love you.”

He smiled at her and replied back with, “I love you too.”

He decided not to add ‘more’ or they would get into a full verbal war over who loved and missed who more. It was endearing to watch her fight over it so seriously, but tiring when it went on for more than thirty minutes.

He kissed her forehead again, waiting for her to make the next move. He wouldn’t do anything if she didn’t want him to something. He tried to be gentle and caring with her at all times, even if he didn’t know what he was doing. Even if it was the opposite of his nature.

She moved a bit cautiously, and he thought it was cute. Her mouth caught his, and he let her lead. He didn’t exactly know what he was doing anyways, so he figured he might as well go with it. She never sped up, so he didn’t either. She pulled off her clothes slowly, and still a bit nervously. He asked her again if she was sure. And she said yes, and kissed him harder.

He waited till she seemed more comfortable, then picked her up and carried her to the bed. The couch looked uncomfortable to her, and he didn’t want that to be a factor in her nervousness. She felt so soft, and he briefly wondered what he did to deserve this. This sweetness.

She held him closer to her, wrapping her legs against his waist. She had the quick thought that even his waist was perfect, and that that wasn’t really fair. His grey skin somehow made him even prettier, and she continued to think that through the whole night. He was gentle with her, even at the cost of his own pleasure. To him, it was worth everything and more to see her writhe under him, gripping onto him like there was no tomorrow. Her nails dug into his back, and she apologized profusely afterwards, even though he absolutely loved it.

He wanted to watch her move like that everyday for the rest of his never ending life. He only focused on her, and the faces she made. She would try to hide her face in his shoulder, or with a hand, but he always pulled it away so he could see. He kissed her everywhere, touched her everywhere, and she returned the favor, even though they really both had no idea what they were doing at first. It was endearing to watch her do her best for him, and Jack thought he’d never need anything else if only he could have her forever.

One day, she would turn to ash. But until then they would spend every moment they had together loving each other beyond comparison. He would spend his every waking moment living for her, until she would live no more.

#was it sad enough #hehe 👉👈 #🌸 #creepypasta #eyeless jack #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta x you #creepypasta fanfiction #creepypasta fic #fic #eyeless jack x reader #eyeless jack fanfic #eyeless jack fic #slight angst #slight pp warning #fluff #creepypasta fluff

[kikis-hamster-blog]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Okay.

I need to give you some background before I launch into this new adventure.

I moved out into my own apartment for the first time during February of 2020. I was optimistic about my new endeavor as a fully-fledged adult in the big city! (Well, as a fully-fledged adult next to the big city, but close enough!) And nearing the end of February I had just finished bringing over all of my essentials; furniture, cooking ware, clothes, hygiene and cleaning products, my computer and internet.. Stuff I would need to essentially survive. In just a couple of weeks I could start bringing over the fun stuff; my video games, my movies, my instruments, my records, my sewing projects. All the things that would keep me occupied in-between recording for my radio show. I mean, there's nothing that could possibly happen in a couple of weeks that could hinder me getting this stuff, right?

Right?

Anyway, Covid lockdowns happened and I was stuck without any kind of entertainment for months. I couldn't go out to see other people. And after a few months of having nothing but a computer screen for any kind of entertainment, everything started to feel very dull. The first half of Covid lockdowns was probably one of the worst periods of my life. It was boring, it was depressing, and most of all, it was lonely. Because I was living all by myself, the only people I would talk to in person were the people at the checkout counter when I went out for groceries once every two weeks. I had people to talk to online, and I love my online friends to heaven and back, but it's not the same as having someone there in person.

It was at about this half way point that I decided that once I had the financial ability, I was going to get a pet.

My friends, now, it is TIME!

But honestly, this being my first time living on my own, I'm pretty nervous about this. I've had pets before living with my parents, but I wasn't the only one taking care of them. Everyone in the house did. This will be my first time taking care of a pet all by myself, thus why I decided on the humble hamster. I figured "Hey, everyone says they're super easy to take care of. The hamsters and cages are both pretty cheap. They sell sunflower seeds at the dollar store. This should be a cake-walk".

Well, if you've seen the post I made on my main blog (and reblogged here), you'll know that's 100% wrong. Thanks to my extreme anxiety, I ended up doing some extreme research over the course of months. I was a dumbass, to say the least. I honestly still feel like I'm a dumbass, but it feels like I've squeezed out as much information from the internet as I can since every piece of information I've been finding is just repeating what I've already learnt.

Now, I'm a believer in the fact that there's always more to learn, so if I see a hamster care video or article covering something I think I know already, I'll look it over just to be sure. Hell, if you send me something now I'll still look it over. I think I'm pretty well-versed at this point, though, and that I'm at the step where I can start preparing a home for my hamster before getting them. I've already started a little with a bin cage I'm working on.

I still need to get more bedding and some sand, and get some help modifying the lid, but the basic idea is that this particular cage will be beach themed, and meant for a place for the hamster to make burrows in. It's going to connect to a fish tank that a friend of mine is giving me from when she used to keep a hamster. I'm still trying to arrange when to meet with her to get it, though. The fish tank, however, is going to be Fraggle Rock themed. Once again, if you follow my main blog, you know how huge of a Fraggle Rock nerd (and Jim Henson nerd in general) I am. I thought it would be a really cute theme to go with and would be fun to construct.

Before anyone says it (because the hamster forum I consulted said the same thing many times), I am 100% aware the hamster is going to destroy the nice, pretty bedding and make a mess within the first day. That's not the point, though. The point is that I want to make sure they come home to a nice, welcoming environment. They can do whatever they want with it once they enter, but I at least want it to look nice for them when they arrive.

Anyway, when my check clears I'm going to be picking up some more supplies for my future buddy! It should clear by tomorrow but the bank has been finicky recently so who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Either way, it shouldn't be later than the end of the week so when I get the hamster supplies I'll make another post.

#hamster blogging

[kpop---scenarios]

The Break (1)

Pairing: Idol! Jooheon x Idol! Y/N

Warning: Smut

Word Count: 4.9k

Hands on his knees, Jooheon attempted to calm himself down, which was proving to be more difficult than usual. His head was spinning, his anxiety through the roof and a panic attack was quickly approaching. He used to get extremely excited doing a performance, but lately he was struggling, and struggling hard. He knew he needed to go on stage right now, he needed to give their fans 100% but he wasn't in the right state of mind, not the usual one he was always in anyways. 

He knew what he needed to do, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. How could he possibly take a break when they were beginning all these new projects, performances, shows and promotions. He felt like he was abandoning his group, but he couldn't go on like this. He needed to talk to them, now. 

Jooheon managed to somehow get through the show, faking a smile while he just wanted to crawl in his bed and not have anything to worry about. Be alone, clear his head, frankly be able to breathe. Lately his chest felt restricted constantly, it was caving in and he couldn't take it. 

He gathered the rest of the members in the living room of their door, standing in front of them while they all looked at him with concerned eyes.

"What's going on?" Shownu asked. Jooheon could hear the worry in his voice. 

He took a deep breath, rubbing his sweaty hands together. "I need to take a break from the group for a bit" he whispers. 

"Are you okay?" Minhyuk asks. 

"Do what you need to do man, we'll support you." Changkyun smiles. 

Honestly, Jooheon was surprised at their support. Although he wasn't that surprised. They always have had each other's back no matter what, and supported each other during trying times. But he thought they would have been frustrated at home for backing out of everything they've been working on. He was happy they weren't. 

"Any thoughts on what you're going to do?" Kihyun asks. 

Jooheon is silent for a moment. "Sleep, do relaxing shit, try and clear my mind." He says, "I'll probably be in the studio, just working on whatever I want. Not having to worry about a deadline or if it's going to be approved." 

"Take all the time you need. We'll be here when you're ready." Shownu says, standing up to give Jooheon a hug. Next thing he knew, all the members had surrounded him, joining in on the group hug. 

He was lucky. 

** 

Opening your mailbox, you were terrified to see an envelope from Starship Ent. This was your last shot, you'd received rejection letters from all other major companies. 

This was it. The moment you'd find out if your life was changing to become a trainee, or if your life won't change and your dream of becoming a singer would remain just that, a dream. 

"You got it babe, this will be it." Your boyfriend Jiyong tells you. 

Forcing a smile at him, your shaky hands begin opening the envelope, your heart practically beating outside your chest. 

"Dear L/N Y/N" you read out loud before quietly reading the rest to yourself. 

"Well!?" Jiyong asks impatiently. 

You drop the letter along with dropping to your knees. The tears are instant, crying into your hands. Crying so hard you're unable to respond to Jiyong. 

"Oh baby." He sighs, kneeling down beside you, his hand rubbing your back. "It's okay. You can try again next year. Just practice hard." He whispers in an attempt to reassure you. 

"No." You whisper. "I got in." 

"What?" He asks, shocked. 

"I got it!" You scream, standing up, now jumping around, adrenaline rushing through your body. 

While you were celebrating, you didn't notice Jiyong not celebrating with you, but instead looking confused and a little annoyed. But when you turned around to hug him, he turned on his happy face, making sure you didn't know his true feelings. He just wanted you to be happy but he knew how much your relationship would suffer now. 

And he wasn't wrong. 

You had to move out and into a community type dorm, leaving the bed you once shared with him empty and cold. Your relationship had to be kept hidden due to the no relationships clause. He never saw you and whenever he did it was only for a few minutes at a time, and all you did was scope out the location to make sure none of the other girls followed you.

He was tired of it. It was a rough first 2 months. 

You knew he was upset and you felt terrible about it. You never meant to make him feel neglected or unloved, so you knew you needed to do something to show him you truly did love him.

You had a day off coming up, and you spent the majority of your free time planning a nice surprise for Jiyong. You were going to pick up his favorite meal and his favorite movie and spend the day with him. Just you and him, like old times. 

** 

Your day off was finally here and you were already on your way to your once shared house. You used your key, entering the house as quietly as possible. You make your way to the kitchen, setting down the food and the movie before sneaking upstairs. 

Standing outside the bedroom door, you can hear a female moaning, but nothing from your boyfriend. You wait a few minutes, listening for your boyfriend. Maybe it wasn't him. Maybe he rented out the room to someone and it was her who was fucking someone else. 

You still needed to know. 

Grabbing the doorknob you slowly turn it, making sure to be quiet. The door opens a crack, but no one notices. 

You open it a little more. You see your busty, curvy neighbour Jae-In riding someone's face. You hoped it wasn't him, but you knew it was. You could tell by his tattoo's. They were very distinct. 

"What the actual fuck?" You yell, your eyes wide. You can't look away. You never thought he would do this to you, you thought you knew him, but then again do you ever really know anyone? 

You held back your tears, you weren't about to cry in front of the smug bitch who was looking at you like she just ruined you and Jiyong looking for his boxers. "Y/N wait! Please wait!" He yells. 

You roll your eyes, slamming the door behind you, running down the stairs and away from this house, and the man you once loved. 

Before you're able to reach the handle of the front door, Jiyong grabs your wrist, pulling you back towards him. "Please wait." He begs. "Let me explain." 

"No need for explanations. It was pretty clear what was going on." You snap. 

"Do you know why I cheated? Do you!?" He yells. "Because of you! You disappeared! You weren't around anymore. Was I supposed to wait forever?" He asks. 

You can't control your laughter. How could you have ever been with someone who didn't support your dreams. It was all becoming clear now. 

"You never wanted me to get into Starship did you?" You ask. 

"What? Of course I.." he says before being cut off. 

"You tried to tell me everything I'd miss if I went. How homesick I would be, how much I would miss you and my friends. Just admit it." You say, finally piecing the puzzle together. "You only didn't want me to go because you wouldnt have a guaranteed fuck anymore, that's it isnt it?" You snap. 

"No baby, that's not it! It was a mistake. I'm sorry. I just miss you." He cries, one single tear rolling down his cheeks. 

"You sure have a shitty way of showing it. I'm done. Enjoy Jae-In." You say, turning around and walking out the front door, but not before giving him the finger before you slam it. 

** 

It had been 3 weeks since you'd caught Jiyong and he would not give up. Your phone constantly was lighting up with phone calls and texts from him. So much that your instructors were beginning to question your commitment. 

You quickly blocked his number, not wanting anything more to do with him. If you were going to debut you needed to place all your focus on your dancing and singing. 

** 

Jooheon sat in his studio, the silence was deafening. He wasn't used to being in here alone, he usually always had someone in there interrupting his work. 

It was nice to focus, but it was also a little lonely. This is what he wanted though. He needed this time to reflect, get back to himself, the man who was all about the music. He had started to become someone he didn't recognize. He couldn't stop thinking about how he was changing and how he didn't like the change. That's when his anxiety began to be more frequent, then the depression struck like a bolt of lightning. It came out of nowhere. 

He knew his break would be hard on not only him but the group and the fans. It didn't help that Wonho was under fire for some things and announced his departure from the group. Jooheon knew they would both be back but they just needed some time. He had planned a short break, maybe a few weeks to clear his head and come back with some new amazing songs, but what he didn't know was that his break would end up being much longer due to one thing. 

You. 

You were a spitfire with an angelic face, and a hell of an attitude. You had a voice that could make anyone's jaw drop along with the confidence most wished they had. 

The first time you and he met, he had come into the trainee room with Shownu to assess and help in any way they could. The moment he laid his eyes on you, he knew you were something special. He watched you laugh as you easily picked up the choreography that Shownu had been throwing around. His jaw dropped as you sang a requested song, your voice was amazing. His heart fluttered as you mastered a difficult rap on the first try. 

You were a triple threat. You were dangerous but he knew he wanted more. 

**

A few weeks later he had convinced the CEO of Starship to come down to the trainee room and see you. He knew you were ready to debut and once Kim Shidae saw you, he would know it too. Even in the presence of the CEO you still shined brightly like the star you were. You were amazing and Shidae knew it too. 

That evening you were called into the boardroom where your training instructors sat, along with the CEO. Honestly, you were nervous that this was them telling you, you weren't good enough and they were going to be cutting you. 

Nervously you sat down, your fingers fidgeting against the small amount of sweat on your palms. Normally you were extremely confident but a meeting like this doesn't just happen for no reason in your first year. 

"Good afternoon Y/N. How are you today?" Shidae asked. 

"I'm good sir, and you?" You reply, trying to force the lump in your throat away. 

"I'm good, thanks." He responds, not looking you in the eyes but instead sifting through a pile of papers. "Now, the reason we called you here is because I reviewed your progress today." 

"Just me?" You ask. 

"Yes just you. Someone whose instincts I trust told me I needed to see you and so I did." He says, looking up at you. His face was neutral. He didn't look happy nor upset. This was making you feel extremely uneasy. 

"Okay.." you say, taking in a very deep breath. 

"We all firmly believe that you are done as a trainee." He tells you, interlocking his fingers and now looking you in the eyes. 

Your heart sank, they were kicking you out. You truly thought you were doing fine, maybe even better than fine. Why was this happening? 

"Was it something.." you begin before being cut off. 

"We would like to start promoting you and getting you ready for a solo debut." He smiles. 

Your jaw drops. They were going to debut you, only almost a year into being a trainee. 

"I.. wow.. I'm.. " you stutter, unable to form other words. 

"Your first single, we want it to be noticed and gain traction. So we've arranged you to have a rapper on your track to get it out there better. We have no doubt you're going to do amazing things." He tells you. 

"Thank you, thank you so much. I'll work hard. Who will I be working with?" You inquire. 

"Go to studio four and you'll see." He smiles. 

Your wobbly legs take you from the room and into the hallway where you try to catch your breath. This was the last thing you had ever expected to happen. 

While you were making your way to the studio, there was only 1 person you wanted to call and share your good news with. 

Jiyong.  

It's hard going from having that someone you can share anything with, to out of nowhere losing them. Losing your best friend, and your lover. 

You shook it off as you stood outside studio four, wondering who could be on the other side. Your hand reaches for the door knob, you turn it, slowly opening the door. You see a man sitting with his back facing you, bobbing his head to a beat. You clear your throat, letting him know you were there. The music stops and he turns around. 

Jooheon. Lee Jooheon of Monsta X was going to rap on your very first single. 

You thought you were going to faint. 

You had been a huge fan of Monsta X since their debut and thought that Jooheon was one of the best rappers in the industry currently. 

"Oh my.. um hi." You nervously laugh, reaching your hand out. 

"Hi Y/N. It's nice to finally meet you." Jooheon smiles, ignoring your hand and pulling you in for a hug instead. "I'm a big fan." He smiles, letting you go. 

"You? You are a fan of mine?" You ask, shocked. 

He laughs. "Of course. Shownu and I were only supposed to be there that one day." He admits. 

"But you were there for weeks?" You say, raising your eyebrow. 

"Because of you." He admits, a blush spreading across his face. "Your talent is amazing, you're beautiful and honestly I was and still am mesmerized by you. I think you're going to go far." He admits. 

"Wow." You laugh. "Thank you. Well I'm also a huge fan. Have been since No Mercy." You smile. 

"Oh god, let's avoid that conversation." He laughs. "So.. here what I was thinking for the song.." 

** 

A few weeks later you were ready. The song you and Jooheon created was done and amazing. The choreography was done and mastered. Your music video with him was finished and was dropping at midnight. 

You were terrified. Starship and Jooheon, as well as you had been promoting and teasing parts of the song for so long, trying to get people excited about you. 

And so far the response was amazing. So many people had already decided to support you without even hearing your song. 

You and Jooheon sat nervously in front of his laptop in his dorm, waiting for it to drop. The two of you watched the clock count down each minute closer to midnight, making your stomach's knots become tighter. 

At midnight you received the notification. 

Y/N ft. Jooheon - Vibe

Within seconds you noticed the likes, views and comments flooding in. 

'Omg love her!' 

'This is amazing. I love her and Jooheon together!' 

'Amazing song.' 

You couldn't believe how many people liked the song that you and Jooheon worked so hard on. So many people are sending you positive and congratulatory messages, including someone you no longer wanted to hear from. 

'I'm so proud of you. I miss you. Call me.' 

You couldn't understand why he chose now to reach out to you. Now that you had finally debuted but not while you were a trainee. 

You deleted the message. 

No matter how much you tried to ignore his advances, Jiyong would not stop calling or texting you. Begging and pleading for you to call him back. You were trying to move on, and move on with Jooheon who had expressed quite a bit of interest in you, and you felt the same. 

But Jiyong just couldn't let you be happy. 

Finally when he called again, you answered this time. 

"What?" You snap. 

"Is that how you greet your boyfriend?" He chuckles. 

"Ex boyfriend, who cheated on me. So yeah that's how you're greeted. So again, what?" You snap again. 

"Listen, it was a mistake. I deeply regret my actions and I want to make it up to you." He sighs. "Please let me try." 

You couldn't control your laughter. "What happened? Did Jae-In leave you? Is that why you're reaching out now? Or is it because I've finally debuted and you're craving being in the spotlight?" You ask. "Actually, don't answer because I don't actually give a fuck Jiyong. Stop calling me. Stop texting me. Leave me alone." You finish before hanging up the phone. 

You hoped that would be the end of it. 

You were wrong. 

He continued to call you and text you. You blocked his number to prove that you were serious but he just continued from different numbers. 

**

A few days later, the calls had lessened a little but not by much. You were getting more agitated but not enough to tell Jooheon about it. The two of you were a fresh friendship leading into being a couple, you didn't want to mess it up by complaining that your ex boyfriend wouldn't leave you alone. That was too much baggage to dump on him. 

He still found out anyways. The two of you were sitting in his studio messing around with some lyrics and beats when your phone rang again. 

"You sure you don't want to get that?" He asks.

"I'm positive." You sigh. 

"You can talk to me if you want. I hope you know that." He says with a smile. 

You sighed, fighting an internal battle. You wanted him to know about your psycho ex but was it too early? 

No. But your mouth blabbed about it anyways, against your will. 

"It's my ex." You begin. "He's been non stop calling and texting me since I debuted." You say, beginning to feel relieved. 

"You broke up with him recently?" Jooheon asks. 

"2.5 months into being a trainee.. I went to surprise him at our old shared house before I moved out.. he had the neighbor girl riding his face when I walked in." You explain. Now talking about it, it didn't hurt anymore. Not like it used too. "So I hadn't spoken to him in like a year and then I debuted and he tried to hit me up and hasn't stopped. I've told him to stop, blocked his number but he keeps getting new ones to continue, it's exhausting." You say, throwing your head back in annoyance. 

"I can imagine. I'm sorry you have to deal with this." He partially smiles. "But at least you don't have to deal with it alone." 

"I don't?" You ask, raising an eyebrow. 

"No baby girl, you don't." He smirks, standing up from his chair. "You've got me now." He whispers, leaning over you as you sit in your chair still. 

"I thought we were just friends?" You smirk. 

"No no. You know I want to be more than friends." He smiles. You stand up, walking away from him moving to the soundboard. 

"We should be working." You whisper. 

"We could.. or we could do something a little more fun?" He suggests from behind you, pressing himself and his hard cock against you. 

You and Jooheon attended a showcase, not together but you talked as friends in front of people. You weren't ready to come out and announce your relationship. Especially since you were so new, you knew his fans would make it seem like you were only after him for exposure. 

You weren't. You really really liked him. 

** 

A few days later, you and Jooheon performed your new song at a Showcase, and the positive feedback the two of you got was completely amazing. 

As the showcase ended you left alone, making your way through the crowd of fans that hung out at the door waiting to see their favorite celebrities. You feel a hand on your wrist pulling you closer to the crowd. Looking up you're met with the familiar face of Jaein, Jiyong's girlfriend. Her grip on your wrist tightens as she glares into your eyes. 

"Stay the fuck away from Jiyong. You had your chance and now he's mine so back off." She snaps through gritted teeth. "Understand?" 

She let's go of your wrist, shoving you to continue walking. You see the stares and the whispers of other idols who witnessed the incident. You stop and turn to face her, pissed off because you're not the one doing anything. 

"How about you tell your man to stop calling me. Clearly your pussy isn't satisfying enough." You snap, now walking away to your van, while listening in the distance to the people praising your comeback. 

** 

The next day you were sitting in your studio, your head in your hands as you rubbed your temple. Jiyong was driving you fucking crazy. He had texted you off and on for the majority of the night. 

What did you say to Jae-In? 

She says she hates you

If you tell me to leave her, I will right now. 

You wanted to scream. 

When you woke up this morning, you had 27 missed calls from him. On your way to the studio he tried calling again. You wished you could just throw your phone out the window but unfortunately you couldn't risk someone getting a hold of it. So you turned it off, making it so no one could reach you. There was a weird sense of relief that came along in disconnecting from your phone. It was almost freeing. 

"You okay?" You hear from behind you, a voice that could melt your heart and make you smile anytime. 

Jooheon. 

"Yes.. no." You sigh. "Crazy ex and crazy ex's girlfriend." You say, turning your chair around to face him.

"I heard about your little altercation with her." Jooheon laughs. "That comeback was fire, babe." He laughs. "There's a video. Everyone is saying she looks psychotic. And they're all praising you." He smiles. 

"I feel kinda bad, but like I'm not trying to get him back. I don't want his toxic ass." You laugh. 

"Good. That's good." Jooheon says. 

"Why's that good?" You ask, just joking with him. 

"Because I want you. And I don't want you to want anyone else." Jooheon says with a serious face. 

"Well, lucky for you, I don't want anyone else. Just you." You smirk. 

"And how do you want me?" You ask. 

"Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want all of you." He answers, licking his lips. 

You knew this was a dangerous game you were playing. You hadn't been sure in the past if you wanted to sleep with him yet or not, but the way you were playing now,not was setting up I for just that and surprisingly you were okay with it.

"How do you want me physically?" You ask, tilting your head to the side. 

"Stand up and I'll show you." He smiles. You stand to walk towards him. Once you reach him he immediately attaches his lips onto yours, guiding his tongue into your mouth without hesitation. You moan into the kiss as he wraps his arm around your waist, pulling you in closer. 

Jooheon turns himself around, his lips still on yours as he moves backwards to sit in the chair, motioning for you to climb onto his lap and straddle him. 

You'd never been so happy to wear a skirt. 

You begin to rock your hips back and forth, grinding your already wet pussy onto his growing hard cock.

“Oh baby, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to even just kiss you." He mumbles, his lips still close to yours.

Jooheon breaks the kiss, moving his head down to kiss your jawline, before moving down to your neck as you continue to slowly grind yourself on top of him. You throw your head back with a low moan escaping from your throat. Jooheon smirks at how little it takes to make you into a puddle. He slides you from his lap, leaving you standing in front of him with a pout on your lips, thinking he's stopping the fun here  

“Don’t pout baby." He chuckles. He grabs your hand and takes you to the sound board, motioning for you to sit on there. 

"Are you sure?" You ask, a small giggle escaping your lips. 

"I want to record your moans." Jooheon smirks. 

He wiggles in between your legs, giving you a small quick kiss on your lips before moving slowly down your neck, your collarbone, your chest. He unclasps your bra, throwing it to the side before cupping your perky breast and latching his lips to your nipple, sucking hard.

“Oh god" you cry now, feeling your clit throb, desperately needing some kind of touch. “Please." you beg.

"Of course." Jooheon smiles, pressing the record button before spreading your legs wide. 

Jooheon kneels down, moving your panties to the side before spreading your lips with his fingers.

He leans in licking a long slow strip up your pussy, causing you to melt in pleasure. He wraps his lips around your clit sucking harshly. Seconds later he let's go, before flicking it with this tongue, making you squirm beneath him. 

“You taste amazing.” He says before licking you again, licking up your juices. 

Jooehon pauses for a second, before sucking on your clit again, this time with zero intentions of stopping and teasing you. 

“Fuck yes, oh my god" you cry out, one hand resting on the the board, the other one gripping his blonde hair tightly. “Please don’t stop" you beg, feeling your orgasm approaching quickly.

Jooheon quickened his pace, his tongue moving around your clit sporadically. You grip his hair tighter as you cum all over his face. "Mhmm." He groans, releasing your clit to lick up the mess you made on your thighs.

“That was so fucking hot" he growled, standing up to pull his pants down.

“Do you have a condom?” he asks, before yanking them down.

“Don’t worry, I’m on birth control" you huff. You watch him pull his pants, along with his boxers down, letting his long, thick cock spring free. You gulp as you stare at the large muscle, more excited now than ever. 

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll go slow.. maybe.” he smiles, pumping himself a few times before lining himself up with you. 

He steps towards you, helping you place your legs over his shoulders, giving him better access to your pussy. 

Jooheon slowly pushed his large cock into you, causing you to cry out and moan in pleasure as he stretched you beyond belief. Your hands grip the board so tightly your knuckles begin to turn white.

Jooheon fully thrusts into you, filling you up completely.

“Fuck your pussy is so tight” he groans, pulling out of you half way before slamming himself back into you.

“Your cock feels so fucking good" you cry out. 

Jooheon throws his head back as he thrusts himself into you over and over again. You can feel your cum seeping out of you, coating his cock, and the surface beneath you. 

Jooheon continues to grunt as he rams his cock inside of you, hitting your G spot every time.

“Please don’t stop. Play with my clit" you beg needing to cum again. He takes his hand from your leg, placing it in-between your thighs and rubs his thumb over your clit.

“Oh fuck" you cry out, grinding yourself in sync with his thrusts. 

“I think I’m going to cum" you moan.

Jooheon's thumb works furiously, bringing your orgasm quicker. “Shit" you cry out, your body begins to tremble as it washes through your body. Your eyes roll back as extremely loud moans leave your mouth.

“Fuck baby" he moans, ramming himself into you, chasing his high now. “Shit I’m going to cum" he cries out. Jooheon reaches up, wrapping his large hand around your neck as he cums inside of you. 

The two of you remain there for a second, catching your breath. Right before Jooheon is able to pull himself out of you, the door to the studio opens widely and with a slam. 

Jiyong angrily walks in, having troubles comprehending the compromising position he had caught you in. 

"What are you doing to the love of my life?" He scoffs, staring at Jooheon. 

"Fuck off Jiyong." You spit, pulling Jooheon closer to you. 

"Oh this is him?" Jooheon asks, a humorous smile appearing on his face. 

"Yeah I'm him. You know, her husband." Jiyong scoffs. 

"Husband?" Jooheon asks, looking at your unimpressed face. 

"Oh my god. It's not even legal. We got 'married' in Vegas and he won't leave it alone." You explain. 

"Actually I checked, and it's very legal." Jiyong smirks. "You're my wife." 

You sit there, staring at Jiyong for a moment before whispering "shit." 

What do you do now?

#kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop icons #kpop writing #kpop fanfic #kpop imagines #monsta x #monsta x scenarios #monsta x imagines #monsta x smut #jooheon one shot #jooheon icons #jooheon scenarios #lee jooheon #jooheon smut #jooheon fanfic #jooheon writing #kpop smut

[physicalturian]

Did a full 180° - AFAB!Reader X Bokuto Koutarou

Summary : Bokuto has a day off, but when you're off on campus, you get a textfrom him an understand he feels lonelyso you return at the apartment to cheer him up. Cheering up happens, and a whole change of mood too [No pronouns used for the reader, no physical description; Everyone +18] [AFAB!Reader]

Reader on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27535102

Warnings: smut; protected sex; slight daddy kink; hair pulling; clawing; penis in vagina sex.

When I woke up this morning, I had the pleasure to have my sleeping boyfriend next to me. It was one of his rare days off, one of the rare times he did not have to wake up at an unbelievably early time. It also meant one of those rare times I had the chance to snuggle up closer to his warmth before having to drag myself out of bed to get on campus. For a moment, I considered not going to that study group in the morning, that way I could spend more time with the beautiful man that was sprawled on my bed, but I knew it was the only way I’d force myself to study. Thus, it was with a lot of reticence that I left the bedroom, giving one last glance at his peaceful sleeping form before closing the door delicately behind myself as I got cleaned and changed in the bathroom.

 On my way to campus, I walked by a bakery to get a few pastries to eat on the way, taking a few for Koutarou once he wakes up. He sure had an appetite, so pastries may not be enough, knowing him we’d probably order in too. Fortunately, the group meeting was not supposed to last long, probably 4 hours at max, which meant I’d probably come back before Bokuto would wake up. My overexcited brain was already thinking of going back home and lazying around with him, simply enjoying one another’s company and sharing what was on our mind the moment it crossed it. Argh, focus. Focus, you’ll have the rest of the day to think of him, touch him, and be with him. Study mode, on. Head not empty, smart thoughts. I scolded myself as I stepped inside the large hall that was filled with tables and chairs, a lot of them empty since it was the morning; Sweeping my eyes across the room, I saw my friends at the table, coffee cup in hand and tired faces falling to the ground.

 I chuckled lowly to myself while making my way towards them, a wide smile on my face. “Why, hello morning people. Looking fine I see! Ready for some brain time?” their response was to grunt and dramatically let their head fall on their papers, the heaviest sigh leaving their lips. Actually, three of them were like that, the fourth one however was smiling tiredly as he greeted me with weak voice. The one on my left grabbed my arm to stop me from rummaging through my bag and looked at me in pure astonishment. “You’re too energetic in the morning, it’s gross. Next time we’ll study at 9pm- because, you see, those are the peak hours. It’s the best time to study, fresh air, leftover foods, and you can drink alcohol-“ “Alright, but you can eat right now too, you know, nothing’s stopping you. Also, I don’t think alcohol helps with focusing mate.” I said playfully, making my friend roll her eyes as she slumped on her arm in one last desperate move to get some sleep.

 Nudging the sleepy people awake once more, I tried to motivated them to study, and the only way I could do that was to say that there will be a break in an hour or so. Which happened after a while, it was a bit slow at first to get everyone’s brain started, but once it was active, and the caffeine had kicked in, they were ready to go.

 During the second break, it was around 11.15 am, I received a message from Bokuto asking me where I was. Surprised to see him awake to early, I thought his body was used to his routine and didn’t pay it any mind when I answered that I was studying on campus. His answer was, ‘Oh, ok. U coming back soon?’ there weren’t any emojis, any hearts. And that, worried me, greatly. I knew how he was; I knew he had ups and downs depending on the time, and maybe I was reading too much into it but there was definitely something off with him. So, I excused myself from my friends, telling them I needed to make a quick phone call.

Pressing his contact on my screen, I waited a few seconds before hearing him pick up and clear his throat before speaking. “Babe? Why are you calling, do you miss me already?” I knew, from the forced cheeriness that he was feeling bad. I did not know why, but I knew he wasn’t feeling 100% today. “Kou, what’s wrong? Please, be straight with me?” I didn’t want to push him, but I wanted him to be honest. Since he hadn’t replied right away, I walked further away where there wasn’t any hubbub and whispered into the phone. “Babe please answer me…” I heard him let out a shaky breath, then heard a shuffle on the other end of the line before his soft voice came through. “I’m just- lonely. I woke up and you weren’t there- and I feel really bad right now, and-“ he sniffled, using a tissue, to wipe his tears probably, “When are you coming back? I can wait for you, I’m sorry for-“ “I’m leaving right now, I’ll tell them there was an emergency. I’m not letting you be alone in that state, Koutarou.”

 He hummed in agreement, but did not say much more. Since he did not hang up, I assumed he wanted to stay on the phone a little bit longer, so I stayed, but still walked back to the table with my friends. With my phone still in hand and pressed on my ear, I gave them a nervous smile, “Hey guys, there’s been an emergency, I have to leave right now. Could we continue this later this week? I just, I really have to go, it’s super important.” “It’s ok, it’s all good. We’ll uh, do something in the meantime, but yeah sure we’ll reschedule that shit, no worry. You go take care of your man.” My friend then winked at me, and I was surprised they understood right away. Appreciative of their understanding, I gave them a curt nod and packed my stuff before rushing outside, and throwing my bag over my shoulder. “Are you still there Kou?” There was a muffled sound of something moving, then a thud, followed by a groan. I think I even heard a metallic noise, like a rattling but I did not know what I was.

 “Yeah, thank you babe… I love you, you know that, right? I just really miss you right now…” he mumbled. And while he mumbled, I could hear the way his throat was strained, his feeling getting caught in it as he spoke without much energy. I smiled and hummed softly, telling him that I loved him too, and that I also missed him tons. When he heard that, he breathed out a soft ‘Yeah?’ and I think I heard the faintest smile as he said so. And I proceeded to rant on all the things I loved about him, of course, I did not have time to list everything that I had reached our shared flat and was unlocking the door to the apartment. “I’m home, where are you babe?” I asked gently as I dropped my stuff on the counter and opened the door to the bedroom, only to be greeted by our drawn curtains and undone bed, no one in it.

 From the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow move in the room and realized it was the door to the closet. I quickly understood and hung up, rushing to the spot and opening it wide, finally seeing my partner sitting in the corner of the closer, his knees close to his chest with his arms wrapped around it. He hadn’t even gotten dressed; he was just in his boxer. And even though he was well-built, he looked so small like that; Looking down at him, I smiled before sitting down with him, my hands on his knees as I asked him to move his arms, which he did. “Is it a down day?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. He nodded. “Okay,” brushing his hair back, I brought him in a short tender kiss then pulled back, his face still sad. “Can you move back to the bed? I’ll join you in thirty seconds, okay?” Raising the corner of his lips into a small smile, he nodded as he pulled us up.

 I rushed to the windows and opened the curtains wide. Staying in the dark never helped with feeling down, so even though he complained about the light I let the light come through. Turning back towards him I took of my shoes and slid in bed with him, throwing the blanket over us as I did so. “Hello handsome.” I whispered right in front of his face, the blanket covering us over our heads made the situation a lot more intimate and it felt so nice. “Hey pretty face,” he replied, his smile a bit wider than before which was quite a relief. I grinned back and brought him in another kiss, that he returned desperately before we both pulled away and I kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his chin, his lips again, before asking him to turn around.

 Bokuto was a large man, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be a little spoon. Everyone needed to be hugged, to felt love and safe, and at this very moment he needed it so bad. So, I wrapped my arm over his shoulders and my leg over his hips before pulling him as close as I could to me. And just like that, he felt relieved, the tension in his body left as he brought a hand to his face. A bit unsure of what was happening, I placed a kiss on the back of his shoulder and tried to peak at his face. “Everything good, Kou?” I ask, barely over a whisper.

 I felt him shake a bit, then, after a few minutes, felt the rumble of his chest as he spoke, “I’m- yeah- I just- I’m actually so relieved right now. I don’t know- I don’t know why I was feeling so depressed- but now that you’re here it’s like… it’s awesome you know?” I did know, I understood how he felt. But it looked like he needed to explain it in more depth. Shuffling in my hold, he turned around, but grabbed my arm to put it back on his side, and brought my leg high on his thigh. His eyes widened for a second, then his cheeks flushed a darker color. “Fuck you’re actually so fucking gorgeous- but I was saying- it’s like- uh, when you were gone, there was this, this weight in my chest, and really hated it. I wanted you, I wanted to hug you- so when you did, it really lifted that weight off my chest, like literally.” I nodded, and rubbed his back once he finished.

 “I’m glad I could help, but for safety measures I think I should probably stick with you the whole day.” His face lit up, like fairy lights. It was the most adorable sight, so genuine and sincere it made my heart go crazy. Bringing his face closer to my chest, I heard him sigh in content as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I tightened my embrace around him, knowing he liked his hugs a bit tight, it comforted him. “Babe?” his speech was a bit muffled from being spoken against my shirt, but I had heard him, so I hummed inquiringly. “Are you mad that I interrupted your study sess’?” I huffed a laugh at his question, how thoughtful could he be even when feeling down?

 I shook my head, but quickly spoke when I realized he couldn’t see me. “Not at all, and also I don’t mind that you’re feeling down- and I’m okay with not doing anything today- and I love you and you can take all the time you need today, we can stay all day in bed. As long as you’re here, I’m happy.” Every time I was done with one thing, he was ready to ask another question, his insecurity-filled mind playing tricks on him. But I was ready to reassure him, he needed it, and I was giving it. He had to know he hadn’t done anything wrong. It took him a few seconds to take in what I had said, then he suddenly pulled back, his hands planted on the mattress as he was kneeling, sitting on his heels. The blanket that was covering us was now almost entirely off of me, since his whole body was like a pole for our own little tent.

 The sudden change of attitude surprised me, but I was going with the flow; He was smiling and that’s all that mattered to me really. “We can do plenty in bed babe.” He grinned before pulling the blanket off of us and crawling on the bed and between my legs. I felt a shiver ran down my spine from the sudden loss of warmth but couldn’t help the grin that made its way on my face. “Are you serious, Kou?” I breathed out, not believing how fast he was at changing the atmosphere around us. He leaned in and started bringing his hands slowly from my knees to my waist where he held the hem of my shirt and lifted it gently, looking at me in the eyes. As he lowered himself, he kissed my stomach once, “Very serious, you can’t blame me babe, have you seen how hot you are?” he asked dramatically as he kept leaving kisses on my exposed skin. I gasped at the sudden feeling of his tongue on my skin and gripped his hair to stop him, already feeling hot all over. “Kou, I was going to make this day all about you-“ Interrupting me, his face was suddenly looming over mine, a wide smile on it. “Making me feel good is about me, right?”

 Rolling my eyes, I felt my cheeks heat up at what he was insinuating, so I huffed a laugh and nodded, “Yeah I guess so, sure.” Happy, he crashed his lips on mine and kissed me once more, it was needy, I could feel how much he wanted this through only his kiss. Both of us were smiling “Good, good, because you feeling good makes me happy too- and I’m about to make you feel real good,” he put an emphasis on the real, as he pulled me closer and rolled his hips against mine. Smiling broadly, he asked me to wait a moment, and left the bed a second to come back with his hair pulled back by a hard headband. “I didn’t have time to style my hair after my shower this morning- do I look good?” While it was formulated like a question, he knew he looked good, and he knew I found him attractive. But I played along.

 “Bokuto Koutarou, do you realize that you’re a piece of art?” His cheeks flushed pink and his eyes were twinkling with pure joy; Leaning back on top of me, placing his hands on each side of my face after he spread my legs to settle between them. “Yeah? Go ahead, keep talking babe,” he whispers as he began kissing my neck gently at first, his tongue darting out to leave a trail of saliva on my skin before biting it just hard enough to get a reaction out of me. I cocked my head to the side to give him a better access, and let my hands wander over his back, “You’re- fuck you’re uh, good- you’re a great player and-“ I heard him laugh against my skin before leaning back, smirking. “That’s it? Babe I thought you liked me for my personality,” he pouted dramatically before chuckling and teasingly asking me what was wrong.

 I could only scoff before meeting his gaze, “I can’t focus for shit, my mind is just blank because all I can think about is your touch, your hands all over my body and your tongue-“ “You’re right babe, I should use my tongue more! Alright, here, how about you undress for me, then you come sit on my face?” I stared at him wide eyes for a few seconds, then managed to utter, “I didn’t say that at all, but I’m definitely not against it you want to, like I’m very much okay with that if you’d like to do that-“ I said quickly as I rolled out of bed to remove all items of clothing I was wearing, while doing that my boyfriend was looking at me intently; His tongue licking his lips while observing me, “I love your enthusiasm babe, you’re so good to me.” I felt my whole body heat up at his words, he had a way to make me feel comfortable no matter the circumstances. And seeing the way his eyes were roaming my body like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen, sent a butterfly in my stomach.

 When I dropped my last piece of clothing on the floor, I looked up at him with an excited smile, “Are you sure-“ I barely had time to speak that he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bed, asking me to sit on his lap first. When I did, he took in the sight, his eyes wide in awe. “I’ll never get enough of you,” giving me a once over, he cursed under his breath, “Shit you’re so hot babe. The things you do to me!” he said quickly before leaning over and slowly planting kisses from my navel to my chest, his teeth barely scraped my neck before he grabbed my chin between his index and thumb and kissed me fervidly. I could feel his smile as we kissed, and hopefully he could feel mine, it was a bit messy, but oh was it filled with so much love. His hands were gripping my thighs tightly and without a warning he spread them wide before pulling me against his crotch. I laughed and had to hold onto his shoulders as he let himself fall down on the pillows.

 When the kiss was broken, we were breathless, our lips slightly swollen and I could feel my cheekbones hurting from all the smiling, which wasn’t bad. “Alright babe, come on, sit on my face, because there are other lips I’d like to kiss-“ “Koutarou oh my god-“ hitting his shoulder without any force, I then leaned in while holding his face and kissed him one more tender time before chuckling nervously. “Hit the back of my leg if you want me to get off of you, okay?” as I rose, my hands on the headboard, he made a noise and told me to stop, I sat back on his chest, and saw his smirking face. “It has to be something I wouldn’t do babe, and I don’t think I could stop myself from spanking you, you know? Have you seen how good looking you are? I want to make you make all kind of sounds, and I’m sure you’d make the prettiest one if I spanked you while fucking you with my tongue, you know?”

 My laugh got caught in my throat and I made a stupid strain noise as I looked down at his ecstatic expression. “I- you are entirely right, I definitely want to feel my favorite spiker’s hand hitting me hard.” Exhaling a long breath through his nose, he grinned mischievously before muttering he’d hit the headboard if he needed to stop, then he pulled me up to his face without further warning. I yelped as his strong hands gripped my ass, and rested my knees on each side of his face. I barely had time to put my hands on the headboard that his tongue darted out of his mouth and I felt the strong muscle brush against my core. A mute gasp left my mouth and I looked down at his face, he was starting slow, his eyes observing each of my reaction before speeding up. With that followed more sinful sounds; With each stroke of his tongue, my breath was getting heavier. He was smiling against my skin, I felt it. I also felt a jolt of electricity ran through my body when he moved one of his hand from my backside to use his thumb to play with my sensitive nub.

 I couldn’t help the loud “Fuck” that escaped my lips, and it made him chuckle, the vibration of his laugh sending even more pleasure coursing through my being. I couldn’t control myself and pressed on his face for more, I even took hold of his messy hair, my free hand still gripping the headboard like my life depended on it. The sounds coming from his work were even more sloppy, it was embarrassing and yet it turned me on; When I looked down at his face once more, he had a determined and teasing look on his face, when our eyes met, the strokes of his tongue started going faster and so did his circling on my clit. All I could muster between my strangled moans and panting, was the repetition of his name, “Kou, fuck, fuck, Kou”, it only fueled his pride.

 When I tried to roll my hips, he held me in place first before spanking my ass as strong as he could from the angle he was in. Clearly, it wasn’t as powerful as he would usually do it, but it felt just as good. I moaned loudly in response, and gripped his hair tighter before muttering an apology and moving my hand back to the headboard. Without ever stopping he grabbed my hand again and moved it to his hair once more, I understood he did not mind, so I resumed my action.

 At some point, when I said I was getting close, he stopped circling my clit and I groaned at the lack of stimulation but he quickly replaced his finger by his mouth and started sucking it. He kept switching between licking, giving long strokes of his tongue, then sucking my nub. After some time, the knot in my stomach had reached its peak and I let out a throaty moan when I finally came.

 My knees felt weak, and my entire body was burning but fuck did it feel good. I shuffled off of him to sit on his lap once more, and he sat up soon after, with the most gorgeous smile painted on his lips. I could see his skin glistening from my juice, and it made my face heat up even more. From his reaction, I think he understood, that’s why he used the back of his hand to wipe his mouth. “See, that’s how I like to start the day- fuck breakfast when I can eat you out, you know?” “For fuck sake, Kou- you’re- okay, you know what? I’ll ignore that sentence, because I don’t know how to reply to that.” I laughed before pushing him down. His eyes widened, and so did his smile, before he continued, “You can tell me how good I made you feel, and you’d love for me to fuck you.” I rolled my eyes and hummed at his words, mumbling that I could do that, yes.

 Slowly caressing his chest, I traveled his upper body at an agonizing pace. My hands roamed from his stomach, to his shoulders, to his hands that I moved to my waist for him to grip. “You make me feel so good, all the time Kou.” I whispered before placing a kiss on his chest, then looking up at him again, “And I love you, so much.” I kissed his neck. “And you’re such a great boyfriend.” And kissed his lips softly, his was reacting so strongly to each of my words. Every time he would tighten his hands on my waist, grounding against me with a needy moan. “And you’re so fucking pretty, and I want you to fuck me.” I finally said, right next to his ear. He was always responsive to soft words, while the man loved to fuck, he also loved to make love, he could be rough, but also so gentle. But when the compliments were returned to him, he turned into a puddle before coming back stronger.

 “Fuck babe, fuck- get me the condom, I so want to fuck you right now.” I could feel his erected member under my crotch as I got off of him to grab a condom from the drawer along some lube and handed them to him. Hurriedly, he sat up and opened the condom package with his teeth, I gave him a warning look but he gave me a thumbs up. “I didn’t break it, promise, I’m excited.” He said with a piece of the package between his teeth. He then scrambled to take his boxers off and roll the condom onto his cock, discarding the package on he ground as he laid back down.

 With his pretty grin, he patted his thighs and said “Come to daddy,” I rolled my eyes but did as he asked, grabbing the bottle of lube as I did so. Spurting some of the liquid on my hand, I then wrapped it around his cock to spread the lube all over. “So, I have to call you daddy, uh?” I said seductively while looking him in the eyes, his mouth was wide open while staring at me then he closed it, his eyes darkening. “Shit it’s actually hot babe, I was kidding but it’s actually hot-“ he seemed confused but still looked so hot, I continued what I was doing, squeezing his cock a bit tighter while doing so. When I thought it was enough, I spread some lube where Bokuto’s lips had previously been then moved higher on his lap to slowly lower myself onto his cock.

 I took my time to not rush things and get use to his size, but even like that it felt good. Perhaps was it because I could hear his praises as I lowered myself slowly, his soft voice telling me I was doing so good, that I was almost done and I was taking him so well. His hands were roaming my body like he had never touched it before, and was complimenting each part of my body while kissing them when he could. Once I felt comfortable enough, I rolled my hips a few times, earning moans from my boyfriend. “Fuck babe, can I be rough today? I really want to fuck you good, but like if you don’t, it’s alright I’m good with that too but-“ “Yes, yes, you can be rough, I would really like that too… Daddy.” It felt weird to call him that, but it seemed to spark something in him as he gripped me tightly and turned me over so that I was the one laying on my back, with him on top.

 “Just this time, you can moan that- and my name too, actually scream my name because I’m about to make you feel so good, I want everyone to know, alright babe?” It was said with such an innocent look, but his eyes were saying otherwise. He had lust in them, he had that strong look that send jolts to my core. He looked so hot like that, I only nodded in response but he shook his head, smirking. “Words babe, I want to hear you pretty voice,” he thrusted one time inside me, making me moan, then he stopped. “Here, let daddy hear more of that pretty voice.” I covered my eyes in embarrassment at the new addition, I didn’t want to get used to him saying that but the more he said it the more it suited him. “Alright, I won’t hold back.” He hummed in satisfaction and added, while slowly rolling his hips slowly, “That’s it, you’re so good to me.” Leaning over, he brushed his hand over my cheek and kissed me tenderly before starting thrusting.

 At first his thrusts were slow, we were both getting used to it slowly but he quickened the pace soon after; Our lips would desperately try to meet, to feel even closer that we already were, we would moan in the kiss, panting as we broke apart. I wanted to close my eyes and get lost in the pleasure but I also really wanted to see the expression on his face, the focus, the bliss on his face. He was simply gorgeous. I loved seeing his lips part as he’d let out a moan, each of them louder than the previous as he was getting closer.

 Grabbing the hard headband on his head, I tossed it aside and brought his face even closer than it already was, kissing him lustfully as my hands gripped his locks firmly. He groaned into the kiss, then grabbed one of my legs to place it above his shoulder to have a deeper access. I cried out his name at the change of angle, and moved one of my hand to my clit for more stimulation. Breaking the kiss once more, Bokuto was breathing heavily against my lips as he brushed his nose against mine, “I’m close, I’m so fucking close, are you close babe?” Huffing a laugh, as much as I could with my heavy breathing, I kissed him softy, our tongue battling for dominance until we pulled apart and I smiled. “Try harder pretty boy-“ the second those words left my mouth he started pounding inside me even harder.

 He abandoned my lips and sank lower on my body, kissing and sucking at each and every innocent spot a skin he laid his eyes on, attacking it. He was ravenous, his tongue traveling all over my body. When I clawed at his back, he suddenly bit me hard which sent me closer to the edge. “Do that again and I’m gone babe- fuck! No, actually, yeah, do it again, harder.” He breathed out, strained as he kept fucking me without ever stopping, I was getting closer too with his ministrations, feeling my whole body heat up more and more as the pressure in my lower stomach built up. Both moaning, I nodded, or tried, and followed his instruction, clawing his back in pleasure which made him lose it as he cried out my name in pure bliss, finally finding release. I whined his name when he stopped, his body sweating and holding me close, still inside me, “Kou you can’t do that to me, fuck please- don’t stop.” I panted, extending my arm to lift his head up and look him in the eyes.

 Grinning, he leaned towards the bedside table and grabbed something I couldn’t see from my spot, “I wasn’t planning on it,” he managed to breathed out, then suddenly resumed his thrusting, making me gasp in pleasure before arching my back to feel him more. My working hand was brought to a stop when my boyfriend grabbed it and placed it on his shoulder, “Let me,” he said in a low tone, then I heard the familiar muffled sound of my vibrator. I was about to tell him I was good without it, when he placed it right against my sensitive nub, and close to his cock too. “Oh fuck, fuck, Kou- it’s- god fuck,” I was gripping his shoulders with all my strength, arching my back to meet his thrusts and the toy, the bubble inside my lower stomach was growing, and growing at a fast pace. I think Bokuto was also close again from the non-stop moaning, and gentle words escaping his lips as he said this felt so good and that I was being so good to him.

 After a few minutes, I reached my peak and felt all the pressure in my body, leave as I moaned my lover’s name one more time before letting myself got limp in the mattress. I let him ride off his orgasm, which he reached quickly with the added vibration on his cock. After a moment, he moaned loudly and dropped the vibrator next to me before slumping on my other side, his chest rising and falling fast, trying to catch his breath. “You never told me that thing felt so good, we should definitely use it more often.” He managed to say, as he sat back down and took off the condom, tying it closed. “Why do you think I have it? Oh wait-“ Chuckling, I turned to the side and leaned on my hand as I watched my man throw the used condom and disappear from the room before coming back with a wet washcloth. “What?” He asked curiously as he kneeled on the mattress to clean my sore body.

 Looking at him with a grin, I sat up, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders. “Are we going to talk about the thing?” I’m sure I had a stupid smile on my face when I asked that, and it only confused him more. “Wait, what thing?” he asked quickly, pausing his washing. “The daddy thing.” I whispered playfully, elating nervous laugh from my boyfriend. His cheeks were already gaining color from the efforts, and now it was flushing in embarrassment. “Hey- that- I don’t know, ok? It sounded nice! I mean, I don’t want it to be a full-time thing, but like, if it happens again…” he shrugged, “I’d definitely be turned on, definitely, yes.” I hummed in understanding before grabbing the cloth from his hand and finishing cleaning myself before dropping it on the floor.

 “It was surprising for sure, but…” Smiling gently at him, I wrapped my hands behind his neck and pulled him down on me, throwing the blanket over both of us. “But it wasn’t too weird, I liked it.” I admitted, earning a surprised face from Bokuto who asked me if it was really ok, and I nodded. He sighed in relief before wrapping his arms around my waist, snuggling against my stomach. His hair was tickling my skin every time he’d move but I didn’t mind, if anything I was slowly falling asleep. “We should try new things,” he kissed my stomach softly then looked up at me smirking, “Because there’s a ton of thing I wanna do to you- oh and I can’t wait to show off what you did to me!” he then tried to peek at his back, where crimson red marks were displayed. At first, I felt bad to have done that, but seeing how satisfied he was with them being there, it only made me laugh.

 “Yeah, I will probably have to try to hide what you did to me, did you think I was ice cream or something?” I mumbled, looking down at the hickeys he had left all over my body. He laughed and started kissing all of them, muttering a sorry at each of them before finally looking up at me with a proud smile. “I mean… I haven’t had breakfast yet, so maybe I should eat more of you…” When he started lowering his face down between my legs once more, I gripped his biceps and pulled him up. “No, nope. Maybe later, but right now, we get out of bed, and we really eat. We gotta keep you in shape, star player.” I said softly before pulling the blankets off of us; However, I couldn’t leave the bed with how tight my boyfriend was holding me.

 Looking at him with a raised brow, I said his name in a warning tone. He only grumbled my name back, still holding me. “Please, can we just stay like that a bit longer, babe? I am so comfortable right now- and I really want to enjoy this moment with you because we hardly have times like because-“ I interrupted him with a stupid smile, “Alright, okay. But it’s just because you’re making valid points there, not because you’re stupidly cute like that.”

 With a beautiful grin painted on his face, he looked up at me once more, “Yeah? You think I’m cute?” I rolled my eyes and let my head fall back on the pillow, humming in agreement. “Yes, I think you’re cute. And very hot, and the way you use your hands-“ “Baaabe, I thought it was going to be sweet!” “Well excuse me, but right now all I can think about is your hands on my ass, so, it’s your fault really.” I shrugged, running my hand through his hair absent-mindedly.

 Snorting he gently brushed his hands on my back and spoke up, “Well, I love… your laugh, your smile… your voice, and you always make me happy! Whenever I see you, I just want to hold you close and never let you go.” I laughed nervously at his words and covered my face with a pillow in embarrassment, telling him to stop talking. Suddenly, the pillow the was covering my face was taken away and I was left staring at two golden orbs and one bright beautiful smile. “What is it?” I asked, confused. His only response was to kiss my nose, telling me I looked cute, before scurrying off the bed, “Let’s go eat, I wanna do stuff with you today! Come on, let’s go.”

 He helped me up my feet by holding my hands, and then handed me one of his shirts to wear. “And what are the plans for today?” I inquired, he shrugged in response, telling me he just wanted to spend our time together wisely. Then he looked back at me while putting on his boxer, “And maybe…” He approached me, placing his hands on my hips as I put on my pants, “Maybe we’ll continue where we left off,” he then slapped my ass hard, I gasped and turned around giving him a reprimanding look. “You don’t get to be hot right now, so you move your ass to the kitchen because I brought pastries.” He pouted and held my face gently in his hands, looking at me with pleading eyes, “Did you get the ones I like with the cream inside?”

 Huffing a laugh, I nodded; “Awesome! Alright, then let’s go! I’m actually starved- it’s funny to say you eat pussy, because it actually doesn’t really satiate much, you know?” I pushed him out of the room, my hands on his back, as I laughed loudly at his words. “Yeah, same for dicks you know, you suck dicks but they don’t taste that great.” I continued on the topic, making him laugh too. He then proceeded to talk about buying fruity condom, maybe that’d taste good.

 Dating Bokuto Koutarou was a roller coaster, there were ups and downs all the time, but I was there for him. Liking it a lot when he’d go down for sure.

#bokuto x reader #bokuto x gender neutral reader #gender neutral reader #afab reader #bokuto kotarou #bokuto kotaro #kotaro bokuto #haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #Haikyu!! #haikyu x reader #haikyu x afab reader

[365days365movies]

February 27, 2021: Love Actually (2003) (Part 1)

We gotta start this Recap.

Just trust me here, this one’s gonna be a lot. Why? Because this is Love Actually.

And I really want to talk about it, I REALLY do, but...this is not only a long movie, but an anthology, so it’s gonna be...complicated. But, I will say one thing. If you’ve been reading this since January, then you’ll know that this blog was inspired by the book Shit, Actually by Lindy West, a collection of hilarious movie essays that I love. And, yeah, this film is its namesake. So, although I want to go more into it, we gotta get started. Sorry for the rush, but...TRUST ME.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

An airport! We see families and other loved ones reunited at Heathrow, as narration begins, telling us that love is everywhere. After name-dropping 9/11...TWO YEARS after it had happened (too soon, David), he states that “love actually is all around.”

Got it. So, as the 2003 film All Around begins, singer Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) is trying to sing a Christmas-themed version of “Love Is All Around,” which is pretty goddamn bad. His recording manager Joe (Gregor Fisher) agrees. Jamie (Colin Firth) tells his sick girlfriend (Sienna Guillory) that he loves her, and he takes off for something that he can’t attend.

Daniel (Liam Neeson), a fresh widower, calls his friend Karen (Emma Thompson) a mom bidding her daughter a good day as she heads to school. Jack (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page) are...air humping on a set? I need to know more. Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and Juliet (Kiera Knightley) are getting married in a church, with their friend Mark (Andrew Lincoln) as the best man. And FINALLY, David (Hugh Grant) has just been elected as the new Prime Minister, where he meets Natalie (Martine McCutcheon), a member of the household staff.

...Well, that is a lot. Goddamn. So, this is an anthology movie, huh? I’ll try to cover this as smoothly as I can.

Peter and Juliet say their vows, and as they walk out, they are surprised by a rendition of the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love”, organized by Mark. At the wedding is Jamie, whose brother is at his apartment when he returns home early. He’s there to fuck his girlfriend. Oh. Shit. Well, sorry, Jamie. 

Also at the wedding is Colin (Kris Marshall), a waiter and messenger who’s been trying to woo British women, but is constantly failing. When talking to his friend Tony (Abdul Sallis), he insists that he’s going to the USA, where the women will appreciate his accent. Tony tells him to simply accept that he’s a “lonely, ugly asshole”. Colin, in response, calls himself a God of sex on the wrong continent. A pair, these two.

Tony is a production assistant, working on the film that Jack and Judy are in. They’re apparently professional stand-ins, actors who substitute actors in film set-up, in order to figure out lighting and cinematography. Neat! Well, normally. Here, they’re standing in for a sex scene, and they ask Judy to go topless, to see how best to frame the shot. And it gets...increasingly awkward. And it’s pretty goddamn funny.

Meanwhile, a funeral. Oof, tone whiplash right there. It’s a funeral for Daniel’s wife Joanna, and she leaves behind him and her son, Sam (Thomas Sangster AKA fuckin’ Joffrey, but I won’t hold that against him). Back at the wedding, Mark stares on longingly at the dancing Peter and Juliet. A woman asks if he’s in love with Mark, and he replies no.

At an office building, another guest at the wedding, Sarah (Laura Linney), is a worker at a graphic design company run by Harry (...awww, Alan Rickman). His secretary Mia (Heike Makatsch) brings her in to Harry’s office, where he tells her that he and everyone else in the office knows that she’s in love with fellow worker Karl (Rodrigo Santoro), and that he should get it over with an ask him out. He walks by her, and she doesn’t say anything, while also recieving a call...from someone she refers to as “babe”. Well, I feel a little infidelity coming on.

On Mia’s radio, Billy Mack’s shitty Christmas song is playing, and a radio host agrees as Bill’s brought on for an interview. Bill shares the sentiment in what must be the most depressing radio interview I’ve ever heard. In that interview with Mikey (Marcus Brigstocke), he basically completely sabotages his own record, and probably his entire career. This interview is followed with news about the Prime Minister.

David, new PM, has been bonding more with Natalie, and the two definitely appear to like each other. He also comes up in conversation between Judy and Jack, as their stand-in sex scene has progressed to basically just straight-up sex, which feels...I feel like this doesn’t fucking happen with stand-ins in movies...right? Like, come on, that’s a LOT of breached privacy, and I feel like it’s not that realistic. Anyway, the two use the opportunity to make small talk, and Jack tells Judy that he appreciates having someone to talk to. She agrees, and it’s cute in an extremely awkward way!

Production assistant Tony is heading home, and is getting a ride from Colin, who announces that he’s bought a ticket for a trip to the beautiful land of Wisconsin, where he will certainly meet some hot, hot babes. Tony does not agree.

Back at Harry’s office, he and Mia plan the company Christmas party. Mia unsubtly notes that she kinda has the hots for him, and he’s not saying no. Meanwhile, Daniel and Karen are talking about the fact that his stepson Sam seems to be having a lot of trouble, understandably, and Daniel’s not doing much better. 

Karen does her best to help him through it, and Daniel does his best to help the troubled Samuel. But he can’t coax much out of Samuel to figure out what’s wrong. Samuel finally opens up, but tells Daniel that he’s in love. Daniel’s surprised, but he insists that he’s in love, with a young woman named Sansa Stark, but he must find a way to ensure her loyalty, if ONLY HER NOBLE FATHER WASN’T IN THE...right, sorry, Game of Thrones.

OK, anyway, Sam’s in love, and in complete agony about it. Daniel tries to coach Sam through his feelings, and is genuinely being a supportive-as-hell stepdad. Also in love and in agony is Sarah, staring at Karl from afar one night as the office closes down. And then, also in agony is Jamie, fresh off of his breakup with his cheating girlfriend. He’s in a GORGEOUS AS FUCK house in the French countryside, and sits down to write.

Back in London, David tries to get to know Natalie a bit better, and they...I mean, they’re 100% gonna get together by the end. We’re just working through the romantic folderol right now. Natalie leaves, and David asks a portrait of Margaret Thatcher is she had that problem, calling her a, uh...a “saucy minx.” Well, OK.

Billy Mack is on a television show, continuing his press tour and reminding us once again that he used to be addicted to heroin. Joe is not happy. Mark, an artist, calls Peter, and is put on the line with Juliet. Peter asks him to “be nice,” but when he they talk to each other, he’s rather short when she asks for some of his footage from the wedding.

Back at Harry’s, Mia is laying it on fuckin’ THIIIIIICK, Jesus, while Sarah ends up pining once more for Karl. At his college in the French countryside, a new housekeeper, Aurélia ( Lúcia Moniz), has been hired to take care of his place. However, there’s a serious language barrier between the two, as she’s Portuguese, and he’s too talkative, goddamn. It’s awkward. It’s a little awkward.

David’s got a meeting with the President of the United States (Billy Bob Thornton), who IMMEDIATELY notes Natalie’s attractiveness. Political tensions are also rough between the two and their administrations. The two have a private meeting later, and David leaves the room for a moment. However, when he goes back in, he sees Natalie kissing the President! Whaaaaaaaat? That’s a...fucking terrible idea, Mr. President, what the FUCK? HAVE YOU HEARD OF BILL CLINTON

The next day, at a press conference, David gives into his rage about the affair, and he acts more assertive towards the President, noting that he won’t bow to the President’s bullying. Wow. International crisis time because of a fuckin’ girl! Who’s the saucy minx, now, Thatcher? WHO’S THE SAUCY MINX NOW

Right afterwards, he gets a call from his sister: Karen. Huh. She notes her frustrations with his actions, but he’s too busy and hangs up. She states her frustrations to her husband: Harry. DOUBLE HUH. After everything, though, David retires for the night. The radio station plays a song for him, and David responds by dancing around 10 Downing Street. And it’s hilarious. And I love it?

At Jamie’s cottage, he and Aurélia start to bond regardless of their language barrier, and their conversations seem to gel with each other, despite them not understanding that themselves. It’s actually...kind of cute. I dunno, I kind of like it. I think it’s sweet. Overly saccharine, yeah, but sweet as the two fall in love. Yeah, I’m a fuckin’ sap, what can I say?

Juliet visits Mark, who’s once again acting fairly cold towards her. She confronts him about it, and notes that she wants to genuinely become friends with him. Mark seems to agree with this, but still notes that he has no video of the wedding. And yet, she finds it, only to discover that Mark doesn’t hate her. Actually, he likes her. Actually...he loves her. And, uh...fuck, yeah, he LOOOOOOOOVES her. And she figures that out once she realizes that the video of the wedding doesn’t feature Peter in it AT ALL.

Y’know, I’m really worried that this is becoming an infidelity situation, but I have to admit...Mark’s a good man, and a great friend to Peter. He knows that he loves Juliet, but he keeps his distance for the sake of his friend. And that is...actually amazingly honorable. Damn. You’re a good man, Mark.

At 10 Downing Street, David asks his assistant Annie (Nina Sosanya) to put Natalie in another position, as her presence is distracting him. And that is...responsible. That’s pretty damn responsible. OK, I can dig it. She’s soon replaced, and you can see that David is saddened by that.

His sister’s best friend's stepson, Sam, has just gotten bad news. His crush, Joanna (oh, yeah, his crush has the same name as his deceased mother, forgot to mention THAT little tidbit), is going back to the USA. After discovering that she’s American, Daniel decides to cheer him up by watching Titanic together. AND AGAIN. This relationship is adorable, and I love Daniel’s hardcore good dad energy.

Jamie and Aurélia need to bid each other goodbye, as Jamie is headed back to England. However, as they part, Aurélia kisses him goodbye, which seems to break him a little. Meanwhile, Billy Mack has shot a video for his terrible song, which inspires Sam to perform in a school concert to get Joanna to fall in lover with him and get her to stay. But he doesn’t play an instrument, and chooses to learn the drums, to Daniel’s dismay.

At Harry’s company Christmas party, Mia is hitting HARDCORE on Harry, which Karen notices. She’s speaking to Sarah, and encourages her to dance with Karl, while to two stand in front of Mark’s photographs, and...

TOO MUCH. IT’S TOO GODDAMN MUCH

I...I gotta take a break, and we’re at the halfway point anyway. See you in Part 2.

#love actually #richard curtis #hugh grant #liam neeson #colin firth #laura linney #emma thompson #alan rickman #keira knightley #bill nighy #Lúcia Moniz #Thomas Sangster #Andrew Lincoln #Chiwetel Ejiofor #Martine McCutcheon #Martin Freeman #Joanna Page #Heike Makatsch #Nina Sosanya #rodrigo santoro #user365 #365 movie challenge #365 movies 365 days #365 Days 365 Movies #365 movies a year #userniamh #userkristen #usereve #userjelena #romance february

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #348

“nothing will be free  /  nothing will be done  /  black out the sun”

Do you have any famous relatives? My third or so cousin is the author of Not Without My Daughter, but she's not like a smash hit or anything that most people know. I really do recommend the book, though. It's a long read, but a beautiful, true story. Do you care about celebrity gossip? Nah. Have you ever failed a science course in high school? No; I was very good at science. What’s your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Does your house have a basement? No. No house I've ever lived in has had one. Do you like Hot Topic? Well duh. Do you think imagination is valuable? VERY! Just imagine how many incredible things wouldn't exist without it. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? Unspeakably happy, and I felt like I was building a future with someone. I felt like I had purpose, which I should mention to anyone reading is a mindset to NEVER adopt. No one gives you purpose; you're born with it. How much weight can you lift at once? Ha, not a lot. When you have your own house someday, what color Christmas tree do you want and how will you decorate it? I want a black one with faux snow on the branches, then maybe red ornaments. Kinda look like blood dripping off. Sounds metal. Name three YouTube channels you’ve been loving lately. Lately, John Wolfe, The Dark Den, and Aim To Head Mix. Have you ever bought a designer purse? No. Do you wear jewelry often? No. What color was your senior prom dress? Black. Are you colorblind? No. Name the people you know who are colorblind. Jason's older brother is colorblind to two colors, but idr which. Would you ever consider a career in writing? I'd love to. What was your first favorite color? Red. What do you think about horror movies? I love them. If you love them, what’s your favorite? I really enjoy The Crazies and both The Blair Witch Project movies. Oh, and of course Silent Hill. Got any cool Christmas presents picked out for family or friends yet? I don't have the money to get anyone presents... and while I sometimes get ideas about something I could make someone, then it wouldn't be fair to the rest of my family if I don't make them something, too. What’s your favorite word and why? I really like the sound of "serendipity," as well as its meaning. It's just a pretty, nice word. Do you like to do craft projects? If so, what’s the coolest thing you made? Not really... I think the coolest thing I made was when I put the clay heart I made in Art into a shadowbox, and a poem I wrote was in the background. It was a gift for Jason. I remember working really hard on the whole process and being really happy with it. I don't want to know what he's done with it since. What’s one occupation you think gets paid too much and doesn’t deserve to? I don't know. What’s something you are currently saving money for to buy? Everyone knows about Venus' terrarium by now... Do you smoke/vape? If so, what brand do you smoke/what device do you use? No. Ever done drugs? No. Tell me one of your worst habits. Catastrophizing. I take a tiny seed of something potentially bad, and in seconds it's a damn redwood tree. And I do mean "in seconds." What’s a weird quirk you have that no one else you know does? I don't know, I don't have any particularly unique ones, I think. If you game, what type of headset do you use? I just use earbuds. Do you think you would be a good therapist? You know, it's funny, I've actually pictured myself as one a few times, given my level of understanding and empathy for people, as well as how deeply I want to see others succeed and spread the word that recovery from things like depression is very possible. I've never truly entertained the thought, though, given I'm quite sure I legally couldn't be given my suicidal past and mental illnesses. There is also NO way I could listen to so many people's suffering and manage to stay healthy myself, so, no therapist position for me, thanks. Have you ever been to a Chinatown? No. Do you prefer chunky or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, 100%. Do you stop to pick up heads-up pennies? No. Do your pets have collars? Describe them: Roman has an adorable navy one with a bowtie. Do you have any friends that speak any languages you don’t understand? Old friends, sure. What is something you want to begin learning? I want to improve my ability to perform what in therapy is called "opposite action," where you do the opposite of what your depression (or other conditions) make you want to do. It always helps me feel good, like when I draw even when I don't initially feel like it, but it's rough to really force yourself to do it. What is a food you find comforting when you are sad? Ice cream is my comfort food. What is a quote you find comfort in? There are really a lot, but none come to mind immediately, gah. What is one Tumblr blog you really appreciate? I actually haven't been on my main Tumblr in months, but oh my god there is a Markiplier blog called "lady-raziel" and she is FUCKING HYSTERICAL. The meme quality is A+. What is a comfort movie/show for you? When I actually liked watching movies, I enjoyed watching Silent Hill when I was down. That whole franchise just makes me so happy. What is a recent creative project that you are proud of? That I'm PROUD of, idk. I'm not that happy with the last drawing I made, and I haven't done any serious writing lately that I find noteworthy. What is a video game that you find comforting? Shadow of the Colossus is probably #1. I find it so relaxing while equally epic as fuck. The soundtrack is to die for, and after playing it a billion times, it's pretty easy for me to kinda breeze through and just enjoy myself. Do you know how to bake bread? If so, what is something you’ve baked recently? No. Would you rather live in the mountains, city, beach, or the forest? THE MOUNTAINS!!! Particularly in the woods IN the mountains! Are you closer to your mother’s or father’s side of the family? Mom's. I don't even remember anyone from Dad's. Have you ever been in a “perfect relationship”? I thought so. Have you ever lost a fingernail or toenail? No. Were you a Disney or Nickelodeon kid? I preferred Disney. Have you ever been inside a jail/prison? No, and I don't plan on it. Have you ever dated a guy with a beard, mustache, or goatee? Jason had a goatee usually. He'd go clean-shaven sometimes. Did you ever name your stuffed animals? I named every single one I got as a kid. Now I don't, really, unless they're really special. What’s the name of the person who cuts your hair? I'd rather not share, given her name is very unique. Do you like cheeseburgers? Yes, they're one of my favorite foods. Do you have a Flickr? Yes, but I don't use it anymore. Did you ever want to be a fashion designer? No. Do you drink milk? Yeah, I love milk. Where was your FB display pic taken? My room. Have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? If so, what on? Yeah; white rice. My dumb ass didn't realize it had JUST come off the stove. My tongue hurt literally for weeks. Have you ever gotten your legs waxed? No. Do you own any CLOTHES from Victoria’s Secret? Er, are undergarments not clothes? But I know what you mean. No. What are your grandfathers’ names? William and... I can't remember Dad's dad's name. Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Well yeah. Are you against seances? I don't know if I believe in them being effective, but either way, they seem like a bad idea. Even risking luring a negative energy/spirit to you is something I'd stay away from. Do you own any superhero shirts? No, just Harley Quinn ones, some with the Joker on them, too. I need to toss 'em though because I am like, violently against romanticizing their abusive relationship. I used to just like them as a story character couple, but I got to a place where it just seemed... wrong to "glorify" it by wearing merch and stuff. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica, durrrr. Who is the biggest jerk you’ve ever met? Can you believe that would be my former best friend? Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never had an animal in my path. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you like kissing in public? If you're my serious s/o, I could care less, so long as it's a simple peck. I'm not making out in front of people. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I don't know. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I don't know. I'm lonely and love feels amazing, but I need to get my life on track before I can be a good partner to someone and not just dead weight. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Huh, funny, he's the one that walked away. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Uhhh that would depend on how serious we are, where we are, and just what mood I'm in. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? ugh What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? also ugh What’s your dirtiest secret? TMI AHEAD. Probably receiving oral while bare-ass naked on the chaise in the living room while we were home alone. Or having sex in my sister’s bed. Oops. Would you ever get lyrics tattooed on yourself? Yeah. I already do, anyway, and I plan on getting another. Can you photoshop images well? I'm decent at it. Where did you last drive to? Mom and I went to go get our Covid vaccines today. What’s the first verse of the last song you listened to? "I don't know what we're supposed to be, but I know we lost it along the way to something better, something so much more than pleasure that we seek, so blind inside to fill these holes left by these lies that we tell to ourselves as we manufacture our own hell." What do you hear right now? The aforementioned song: "BLACKOUT" by 3TEETH. What was the last thing you laughed about? This is so fucking immature lmao but when we were driving earlier, we passed a gas station that had a sign that was advertising Coke, but due to space limitations, it abbreviated to "2 liter Cok" and I cackled like a child. Mom laughed harder than I did. Do you know any gay people personally? Ye. What was the last thing that startled you? I think it was a car hoonking at somebody the other day. What was the last thing to make you even remotely sad? Today's been a kind of rough PTSD day thanks to Facebook. My old high school friend had her beautiful daughter, a childhood friend just got married the other day, another friend is due to have her baby in just a couple weeks... It's just weird but even more painful to know it was the life I once fantasized about with a guy that just dropped me and made a break for it. I hate admitting that there's this deep, deep bitterness in me about it, like he took my life away from me, even though that's of course very unfair to say. I don't want to talk about this anymore, so moving on with my day.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''blackout'' by 3teeth

[gmtmg41]

Alright. I need to get this all out of my head. My anxiety and adhd are running my brain today. And it's been ages since I let it get this bad. Ages and ages.

So, I've been talking with the one person who I think I knows me better than pretty much anyone. Which has made me so happy- I've missed him so much. And I didn't realize how bad it was until I stopped to think about how kind of low-key sad I've been until we started talking. And today we talked about heavy topics.

Some of that was the fact that I sent his 2ife an apology text about a month ago now and she still hasn't answered. And I just wa tes to know if there was even a chance of her ever forgiving me. And I know my husband says that the blame is to be shared and I won't deny it. But I never reached out even though they did. They both tried to reach me. And I just never reached back to them. And I regret that so much. They both mean so much to me but I never let them know what was going on because I was angry and upset. And ashamed. I was so fucking ashamed.

When we first moved to Mass I was so incredibly lonely. And depressed. And maybe a few other words that I've never really said out loud. I shouldn't have been left alone my depression was that bad. And the only thing that got me through the first few months was that I knew travis and tavia would be coming up to see me. It wasn't just for me but I did not care one bit. I was going to see my best friend in the entire world. And it kept me getting up everyday. It made me keep going.

And then I was up here and we were broke. Like eating ramen every meal kind of broke. It was terrible. I hated it. Matt was always at work. And the apartment was terrible. And the dogs were miserable and I was too. And I hated it.

But it was going to be fine. Travis and Tavia were I thought coming out to Worcester to see me. And then they weren't. And they wanted me to come to Boston. And I couldn't. We didn't have the money to make it out there. Not even for just me. And I remember how fucked up it all felt to me. .y best friend was like a hour away for the first time in months and I couldn't even get to see him. And I screamed and broke down. But I never told him that. I didn't let him hear me trying not to cry on the phone. I was a big girl and I didn't need him to come rescuing me. Even though I did. I would do anything to go back and to tell him and tqvia both that I was depressed and I needed them. I needed that piece of home- I needed the people who knew me and would have been able to see the signs of me doing stupid shit that was hurting me.

I think I tried explaining that I couldn't go out there. It's hard to remember all of it. The depression makes remembering it all a bit of a blur. But I didn't get to see them. And I remember breaking down. And this wasn't like. Oh let's have a good cry and be better. No this was a screaming and doing stupid shit kind of break down

This was me hurting myself like I hadn't done since high school kind of break down. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, definitely haven't written it down.

And then I let them disappear. Fuck. I stopped thinking about them because whenever I did I cried for ages and I just couldn't do that all the time. I drank myself into oblivion and threw myself into my new job at BN. Because if I was working or drunk I couldn't be sad. And I made new friends. One who reminded me so much of travis that on more than one occasion I caught myself almost calling him travis.

By the time that I finally realized what I'd done- and how I had lost 2 of the most important people in my life- it was too late. It wasn't. I didn't know that then though. I didn't k ow that if I had only answered one of the dozen texts or messages I could have fixed it. So I sat and was ashamed, and sad, amd a dozen other emotions that I never really processed. And I was angry but I couldn't tell you how to make it stop.

And so I wasted years. I wasted them and ignored messages about how travis missed me. And I never just once reached and said I missed him too. Even though I did. And everytime he posted something about a big life event or not big I broke a little more. And I just kept letting myself break over and over and over and over and over and over and over. For years.

But in April I decided to finally answer him. I'd say I don't know why I finally answered bit 100 percent it was the fact that I had gone to therapy at that point. And my therapist did not put up with the self pity or the ignoring important people in my life. And she made me talk about how i felt like I fucked up eht was probably one of my favorite and most important relationships I'd made. I mean this was the guy that I called at like 3 am to tell that I'd gotten engaged. This wad the guy that when something was great I wanted to tell. And that I wanted to complain yo about boys with when they challenged my nerd card. That when the newest nerd movie from star wars(which he knew the order of my favorites and I knew his), Marvel, DC whatever we had to talk about it. We had to examine every angle. He was the guy that I watched Packers football with- the only person I k ew that didn't say I had bad juju. He was there with me when we had that Cardinals game that I'll never forget.. And I threw it all awY because I was fucking terrible. And I'll regret that for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure what else I want to say in this. I just knew that I needed to get it all out of my head. Because if I didn't I was going to let it all fester which was what I was doing. Like. I had already broken down two times today. Partially because I re-read some of the essays that I ignored where he pours his heart to me saying that he missed me. And I know that I missed him then because I still.miss him. It'll never be what it was I've madd sure of that because well I was terrible and shitty and you can't go back in time.

I don't know. Maybe this will help me in the long run. Maybe I'll be able to be better. Maybe it'll help me fix this. Maybe. I don't know.

#SoundCloud

[essie-essex]

anybody here remember night blogging??

You know thinking back on how I would do things differently, I would probably have gone to another school for college. I had assumed that you were required to write a thesis at every school to graduate, and at my school we had I.S. (Independent Study), which was kind of a final 100 page paper + project that we had to do our senior year, in addition to taking classes. But my school offered me the most money, and everyone I talked to said that it was a good school. I remember my English teacher being surprised that I got in. I wasn’t the best student, but during my senior year I started to be more engaged and pay attention in class. I think part of it was that my family (me and my mom lol) hosted a Japanese exchange student that year. She stayed for 10 months and I loved having someone at the house to do things with, and I think having her around really helped me out a lot with feeling less lonely. So, my grades improved (with the exception of math, I actually did a lot worse in math than usual despite studying every night for hours because my teacher was horrible, but that’s another story...) and for the most part I did a lot better academically. Also, I started running, lost weight, and felt generally better about myself (I thought that finally after all those years of depression, things were finally getting better, and I was stronger, and blah blah blah).

When I was accepted by a university, I was so excited, especially since my advisor told me I wouldn’t get into college (because of that awful math class--like honestly that year would have been so much better if I had had any of the other math teachers who could actually teach, and I came to my advisor meeting thinking that I was doing so much better with my grades than usual, like I literally had A’s in everything except for math, in which I had an F, and I thought she would ask me about what was happening in math and offer help, like seriously who sees a bunch of A’s and one F and thinks “this student clearly isn’t applying herself” and not “clearly this student needs some help with this one subject,” but no she said “I just don’t know what to do with you. At this rate, you’re not going to get into college.” And I just remember being so upset especially since I went in there without any emotional armor like I would have put up if I actually had really bad grades and was expecting to hear about it, but right that’s another story, so anyway... )

My problems started after I got back from Japan. Before that, while I did still have my moments of depression, especially when dealing with my boyfriend who had his own share of mood problems which tended to be a bit more high key than mine, it was a lot better than it was in high school. I loved my major, I had friends who actually appreciated my presence, and, for the first time in my life, I felt hopeful about the future. I remember when I was taking the bus back to my city after visiting my boyfriend and one of my friends, and I realized that for the first time I just felt like a normal person. I didn’t feel like some weird defective mistake that clearly didn’t belong in this world.

Then I went to Japan. And I fucking loved it, which is why I was so sad to leave. I’m usually a really quiet person, and in order to be outgoing I have to completely turn off my filter, which, I realize, can make me sort of obnoxious. It worked for me at first. I made several friends in different groups so I could have different options and be able to go out with friends more often.

My school only allowed us to study abroad for one semester. So, I had 4 months to do everything I wanted to do there. Like I’m not an energetic person at all, but basically I told myself “I’ll sleep when I’m back in the US, but right now I’m in fucking Japan and I need to do everything.” But basically everyone else was staying for the entire school year, so they weren’t in a rush to do and see things like I was. My no filter self helped me make friends, so I would have different groups to go out and do things with (like I changed my personality so much that when I told one of my dorm mates that I liked to play videogames, she said that I didn’t “seem like the type” who would do that. Like she was genuinely surprised.) Public transportation and the safety of Japan made it easier for me to be more independent than I was in the US. My college was in a small town, so while I was more independent there than at home (where if I so much as opened the front door, my mom would come rushing downstairs wondering where I was going/what I was doing/why was I going outside) I was still basically confined to one or two streets in the area. In Japan, I could just get on the train and go. Plus when you’re a foreigner you sometimes get random people talking to you on the streets and can even meet new people since you stand out. I went out to clubs at least once every weekend, and sometimes even twice (the advantage of having more than one group of friends). I didn’t sleep too much and always wanted to be out doing things since I just didn’t have a lot of time. I met guys, went out on dates and everything, had cultural experiences, and I mostly just didn’t care about any danger because I was in Japan and I basically had no plan after that and had done the one thing I really wanted to do (which was travel to Japan). The attitude was also brought on by me not giving much of shit about my studies because I was so angry and disappointed for not getting a placement in a program in which basically everyone who applied would get accepted. It was especially annoying because it allowed me to get experience in participant-observation while volunteering at a place that interested me, but most people who did the program were just doing it for fun, like there were a lot of various sciencey majors plus at least one math major, and I was just really disappointed. Luckily this attitude I adopted didn’t affect my grades too much, since most of the classes were pretty easy.

So, getting back to the point of all of this, I realize that the real problem was my shitty attitude, and I should have made the most out of my four months and then come back to “the real world,” as my mother put it, and be the same person I was before. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. I have never been popular before, and having so many people not see my weird defective self was so exhilarating to me. For once I wasn’t the weird quiet girl. For once I could be independent. But then I was back to the small college town, and I wanted to go out and do things, I wanted to go to parties on the weekends. But my friends would mostly stay in and watch movies on the weekends. Like we went to the occasional party or did the usual hang out together and drink thing, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t be the same person I had been for the previous four months, and I didn’t take it well.

I had never had the kind of depression where I had brain fog. While I was still depressed in middle and high school, I could still do things like read books or write song lyrics. But brain fog made it impossible for me to get anything done. Like I could read a page and not know anything about what I read. I’d be stuck reading the same sentences over and over. When I hung out with my friends, I could muster up some energy, since I would cling to anything that brought me even a bit of joy, but mostly I just did nothing. I had this tiny room at the back of the house (we were a volunteer house and went to the local animal shelter every week) and I never even unpacked my clothes. Everything was in bags or boxes or in a clothing pile somewhere. I would have dreams of being back in Japan and wake up so disappointed. It was especially upsetting to think about all the people I knew in Japan, since they still were there. I tried checking in on people to see how they were doing, but--as is usual--they didn’t miss me nearly as much as I missed them. And I felt the same way about my friends at college too. I was back to just being tolerated instead of wanted. I always let them have their way and yielded to their decisions and just tried to keep my group of friends but I think a good number of them stopped liking me.

ANYWAY, getting to the point. I got on meds over the summer and felt kind of better. I didn’t having nearly as much brain fog. I was ready to do my IS and graduate, and then things went downhill again. My friends used to automatically include me in things, but now I always had to check in with them to see if they were doing anything. I started my IS, joined a local Pagan group to do my research, and started reading books to use as sources. My IS advisor was my favorite professor, but when I told her that I was having trouble doing everything because of my depression, she said “but you took care of that, right?” Like the meds I was on were supposed to fix everything. I just straight up never went back to her office. I stopped going to classes. I purposely avoided meal times and went to get food at times when most people were in classes. I stopped everything.

I feel like if I had gone to a different school, I might have been able to power through the year and finish my classes. Maybe. Or maybe not. I don’t know. This school truly felt like it was the best option though. They offered me the most money, and I was able to visit and write an essay while I was there to get an even better scholarship. I remember when I was offered a merit scholarship for the first time (for one of the schools I didn’t choose to go to) and I called my dad and told him they were offering me some money. He just thought it would be a few hundred dollars maybe, but when I told him $11,000 he was so surprised and was speechless. Like there was just silence for a few seconds for him to process it. The school I went to offered me $14,000 a year, and the scholarship I applied for and went there to write the essay for, brought the amount up to $18,000 (Sadly, this didn’t even cover half of the yearly tuition). It seemed like the best choice, even if they didn’t offer Japanese, I figured I could still learn on my own, and I didn’t realize that their IS program was so unique. If I had gone to any of the other schools, especially one of the bigger ones, I wonder if I would have made more friends. There would have been much more to do there. And all I would have to do was take classes and not be horribly stressed out by IS. Even if I was depressed toward the end of it, all I had to do was pass. Like even though I got good grades for the first two years, I would just need to pass the classes in the last two years to graduate. I got really off topic here I know. This is mostly just a stream of consciousness thing to get my thoughts out. And putting it here has probably stopped me from going into the kind of depressive rant that I usually go into when I write about my life.

Anyways, I’m not editing this or anything. I meant to write this while letting the Sims 4 load since it takes a while with the 938347283333 mods I have, but I forgot to actually start it, whoops!

tl;dr started writing this post meaning to talk about my college and senior IS, ended up having one of those sitcom clip episodes but in writing.

Also fuck my senior year high school math teacher, holy shit she was horrible at teaching

#essie things #i tend to put blame on myself and not other people for things #because it's my job to react in the best way even when things are difficult #but really that fuckin math teacher was just #awful

[dannyphannypack]

Crossover Fic Recs

Hey, saw your post for some fic recs! Unfortunately I can't continue the wonderful thread of reblogs because I wish to remain anonymous, but here have some cool crossovers that I didn't see get rec'd yet :D (you can either post this or add it to the reblogs, I don't mind either way)

Just Another Meteor Freak [500k words, complete] (and it's sequel, which is unfortunately incomplete) is a Smallville/DP crossover that's absolutely a fantastic read and I cannot recommend it enough, it's one of my faves! Brief synopsis: Danny goes to live with his aunt Martha Kent after his family dies (and for once Danny's family dying in a crossover fic doesn't have anything to do with TUE!), and misunderstandings of the good kind and mishaps ensue because of course Danny and Clark's hero complexes come into play. It's got hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, sibling-esque-bonding, and all sorts of cool stuff, including ghost king headcannons and new powers for Danny. It takes place mostly from a Smallville perspective, but Danny's woven in so seamlessly that you won't believe he wasn't in the original show to begin with. I read it for the first time after having not watched Smallville in years and I could still understand it though, so I think that if you haven't watched Smallville before you could still enjoy the fic a lot!

And like, honestly, I totally recommend other stuff by this author (jadedbluerose) too. She's got a Merlin/DP crossover that's pretty fantastic, but unfortunately she hasn't updated anything since 2014 :( still worth the read though!!

Spirited Away [70k, complete] is a Harry Potter/DP crossover, it's honestly THE MOST hilarious fic I've ever read. Synopsis: Danny is an unwilling student at Hogwarts, and the most chaotic Hufflepuff the world has ever seen. He claims he's been kidnapped but when no one listens to him, he raises all kinds of hell to try and get kicked out. And if that doesn't work, well, he can always sue them. 100% worth the read, it will definitely make you laugh.

Various Superphantom (Supernatural/DP) crossovers by sapphireswimming. Literally anything Superphantom found here? Totally the best. You can also check out Superphantom fics by surelysilly (whose fics are more on the darker end of the spectrum, and their prose style is kinda abstract rather than your traditional linear narrative) Vitaliciouscreations (they've got a oneshot collection that's pretty fun, as well as a oneshot that I wish they'd continue and a complete cute 13k-word penpal fic.)

How to befriend a ghost [80k, incomplete] is a HTTYD/DP crossover in which Danny gets stuck in the Viking era, and I originally started reading this for the Danny & Hiccup friendship because it's adorable and both of them see how similar they are to each other and find kinship in that. The dragon Danny gets (because this is a HTTYD crossover, this is inevitable!) really sneaks into your heart though, and I ABSOLUTELY adore Sparky as much as I adore Toothless. He's very lovable and complements Danny super well! Of course, it's not all friendship bonding and training dragons, the archipelago is Danny's home now (until he can find his way back to Amity Park/his own century) and he's going to protect it too when trouble arises, just like the dragons do. He even gets new powers along the way. This fic is pretty fun, there's a lot of switching perspectives and you really see the characters' voices come through in it, and you even get to see the dragons' POV, which is really interesting since you get to learn Sparky's backstory!

Den Mother [8k, ongoing] is a Young Justice/DP crossover that acknowledges the fact that Danny is by all rights a first-generation hero, and he's treated with the respect as such and gets to join the Justice League rather than the YJ team. Of course, he doesn't WANT to join the league at first, which is a different take than you'd expect, but he reluctantly agrees and is then given the same responsibilities as a Justice League member--that is, to teach the YJ something about teamwork or whatever. It's not very long right now, but the premise is so good! It has a lot of potential.

A Foreign Perspective [200k words, complete] is a DNAngel/DP crossover that I saw @scrollingdown call a fandom classic once and honestly agree, even though I don't think many people know/have read it. It's a cute friendship fic that focuses on Phantom (not Danny, but Phantom specifically) making his first friend, an older boy named Daisuke, who seems normal at first, but is slowly revealed to be a little more understanding of Danny's situation than he appears. Some comfort involved too since Danny deals with a little more with the idea of mourning/loss than in canon, seeing as Daisuke thinks he's a full ghost and therefore a teenager that died, and Danny learns to be a different kind of hero because of it. Really cool fic too since you don't need to know DNAngel at all to understand the fic, since it's told from DP's perspective, and you get to learn about Daisuke as Danny does. It's just super sweet and it's got some action here and there that makes it exciting, and it's really a fun read.

Other stuff by this author is worth the read too! They've got oneshots of a HP crossover and Ghost Whisperer crossover, and a sadly incomplete HTTYD crossover [100k words] that is still super super good and also deals with ideas about mourning and loss. Their non-crossover stuff is also pretty interesting (there's a Mute!Danny AU and Dash kinda-redemption oneshot I really liked).

Diversity [150k, ongoing] is another Ghost Whisperer/DP crossover, it's a found-family fic where Danny runs away from home after his family dies in the events post TUE. He ends up running into Melinda and she goes out of her way to help him. There's a couple underlying mysteries surrounding the ghosts that haunt this fic, and Melinda tries to understand Danny's past and ends up tangled in a conspiracy because Danny's hiding his ghostly alter-ego and also the GIW are involved at some point (and they are much more menacing here than in canon). It's totally a page-turner, and you can get as invested as Melinda in hoping Danny heals from his loss. Spellbound [150k, ongoing] is a HP/DP crossover by the same author! Danny accidentally gets trapped by Magical Britain and is bitter about it, but he's trying to make the best of it. The Wizards have no idea what to make of him, but he just wants to go home, and he makes a couple friends while he plots his escape. (It's actually been a while since I read that one, so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I do remember feeling bad for Danny in this fic, poor boy's lonely and can't even interact with kids his own age because he's an unknown creature to the wizards. Good thing Danny's never been one to follow authority.)

A Visit to Paris [10k, complete] is a Miraculous Ladybug/DP crossover in which Danny is Akumatized... sort of. The results are hilarious: Danny's a troll, Hawkmoth is frustrated, the heroes aren't really sure what to make of it, and Danny and Adrien make a lot of puns. Oh, and Danny is the only one smart enough to fix Paris' villain problem (okay, so it might be slightly cracky). It reminds me very much of Spirited Away, which I mentioned earlier. It's got the same level of chaos that's for sure. All in all, it's a very, very fun read.

A Different Sort of House Call [50k, incomplete] is a House MD/DP crossover, it's been years since I read it but I've always considered it one of the fandom classics too? It was definitely one of the first things to pop to mind when I was trying to recall all the cool memorable crossovers to rec you, so this goes on the list too. It's Danny at the hospital with House, and the doctors are trying to diagnose him without knowing about his ghost half (and Danny's not exactly willing to tell them either). There's angst (especially since the author wrote this to follow Lab Rat by AnneriaWings), Vlad trying to be an ally (sorta?), and House being clever as usual. Sadly it's incomplete but it's still super good!!

Running Blind [20k, complete] is a CSI/DP crossover (it took me forever to find the link again since it wasn't listed as a crossover). It's super good, Danny runs away for reasons unknown (at the beginning of course) and gets caught up in a murder investigation and he suspects the culprit is supernatural so obviously he helps out. The CSI guys are both trying to protect him (thinking he was a target for the murderer) but also trying to uncover his past and the reasons he ran away. When you find out why he ran away, you might be awed like I was (especially when you realize how long it had been since he ran) or you might be unimpressed, but the aftermath and his family/friends finally catching up to him might make up for that. I kinda liked how Vlad was written here too.

Ghost Crimes and its sequels is a Criminal Minds/DP crossover. It's the first in a very long series (currently 500k+ words in total) that expands on the DP world and lore, and also involves a lot more murder, death, blood (and the other related gore-ish stuff), and overall realism. Like, Danny fights what is basically Jack the Ripper and its terrifying. It's kind of like a "dark and gritty" DP (but like, not unbearably or overwhelmingly dark and gritty), angst sprinkled here and there, along with darker themes and less light-hearted issues (mental health/trauma/depression/etc. and neglect/abuse and like, actual competent adults like social workers and stuff are a real thing in this fic). There's a lot going on but it's got its lighter nice moments too (Dani is there and gets to be a part of Danny's family, Val's in on the secret, among other things). Also some of the chapters are illustrated, it's great. Definitely check it out!

Okay that's a lot of fics so I'm gonna stop now. Have fun reading!!

#danny phantom #phanfic #crossover #submission #THIS IS SO GOOD ! #THANK YOU OMG !

[thatsbrookie]

October 2020

Heh heh... so... you wanna just ignore how long it’s been since I’ve posted...? Yeeeahhhh... let’s ignore how long it’s been since I’ve posted. Lol jk, I think my Tumblr days are coming to an end. No particular reason why.. but I’ve just gradually become less and less interested in posting here. It’s crazy to think about how long I’ve been using Tumblr as my own little private diary. My very first post on here was in February of 2013. Well over 7 years ago.. Tumblr has always been good to me. It’s always been super beneficial for me to write out my feelings and emotions, goals and heartaches... All good things come to an end, though. I suppose. Maybe I’ll get an actual physical journal and start doing that.. Anywhooooo.. lets do a life update! I literally can’t remember the last thing I posted on here.. so, I apologize if I repeat myself.. Greg and I were moving around a lot. Louisiana, Texas, Iowa, Minnesota. I might be wrong, but the last I remember posting a life update was in Iowa. We were living in Mason City, Iowa. For a little over a year. But I swear, that year was one of the most insane years of my life. Mainly because of CAVU.. Like.. fuck, man. You have no idea.. but I can’t get into all that right now. I won’t stop. Also in Iowa, Rosalie got very seriously sick. She’s an older pup, 10 years old. So illness is taken seriously.. And this was BAD. THANKFULLY, she made a full recovery. That was SO scary

Anywayyyys, we are noooow in St Paul, Minnesota! And I know what you’re thinking, “Omg, y’all move so much. I can’t even keep track anymore”  We know we’ve moved around a lot and we got sick of it. Moving frequently can be fun because you get a lot of interesting experiences, but we’d been wanting a place to call ‘home’ for some time. We both agreed that we wanted to settle in a larger city somewhere in the north (we love colder weather) and we’ve always liked the idea of Michigan, Wisconsin, or Minnesota (Greg is from the area). Then Greg got a job offer and a good promotion to move to the Minneapolis/Saint Paul area for a senior manager position and we felt like it was fate. So we decided to lay some roots and buy a house here in Saint Paul rather than renting. And leemmeeee teeelll yooouuu, buying a house FOR THE FIRST TIME, in a DIFFERENT STATE, during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC.... that was an EXPERIENCE. Plus, just a couple days after we officially moved here is when all the riots started happening. Just a few miles from our home!! It was truly one of the most chaotic times of our lives!! But we are both SO pleased with our lil home. It was worth it! It’s older and on the smaller side, but it is beautiful. On a more personal note, I have been struggling a lot mentally and emotionally. We moved here the very end of May and is now it’s the beginning of October. I’ve been actively trying to find a job since around July/August with no luck.. It’s been getting really hard to stay positive and motivated. Lately I’ve just felt like I lack purpose and just existing instead of actually living, ya know? I cry to Greg about it, he’s so supportive and he keeps telling me to be patient. “We’re in the middle of a pandemic.. The culinary industry is taking a huge hit because of that. Most restaurants, if they’ve even been able to stay open, are only doing take out/delivery or operating at only 30%-50% capacity for dine-in. Majority of places aren’t hiring right now.. They’re barely able to keep they’re own staff employed.” I know he’s right. But it’s still really getting to me.. I just feel useless  Plus, I’ve been so lonely. I’ve been trying to take Covid seriously (As EVERYONE should be. If you’re not, FUCK YOU), taking extra precautions when I have to leave the house. So because of that, I’m alone at home ALL THE TIME. I mean, I have Greg, but he works very long hours. And by the time he gets home, most of the time he’s exhausted and just falls asleep. I miss friends. I miss my family so much.. I haven’t seen my dad in like a year and a half!  Greg and I talked about it, and I’ve started to see a doctor for help with anxiety and depression. I’ve tried out a few different medications, but nothing seems to be working super well for me so far. I have another appointment in a week to change up my meds again, hopefully something that will help me more. My doctor has been urging me to get back into therapy. I’d love to, but I just can’t afford that right now. Since I still don’t have a job, money is tight. Greg is obviously still making money, but the cost of living here in Saint Paul i waayyyy higher than all the other places we’ve lived. So we don’t have as much extra moolah as we used to. Plus, I’ve gained like 10-15 pounds. Damn quarantine.. I’ve been eating and drinking WAY too much. The weather is starting to get colder here, so I was going through my warmer pants. They all still zip/button but they are hella tight now! I got super super sad about that too. Oh, also. I cut all my hair off. I always loved my super long, red hair. I got compliments all the time. It was beautiful. But I have been wanting to cut my hair short for a long time. Like short short. For years. I figured, ‘New city, new hair’ and got it all chopped off! I got my hair cut the first time and pretty much immediately unhappy with it. About a week later I went back and got it tweaked. I was way happier with it then. A month or so later, it was starting to get too long and super poofy. I went back and got it cut EVEN SHORTER, thinned out (I have super thick hair) and a different style shape. This cut is by far my favorite!! It’s exactly the short cut I had envisioned on myself since the start!! Third time’s the charm, I suppose. My hair is actually short than Greg’s hair currently! Lol I have been absolutely loving my new short hair! I feel like it suits me and my personality SO much more!! However, even though I feel so great with it, I haven’t taken a single picture I feel 100% confident in. I’ve tried to take many pictures, but I feel like I look stupid in every single one of them. It’s so confusing.. In person: Wow! Super cute! In pictures: *projectile vomit* Something wild and unexpected... dad and Cynthia got divorced! He called me the middle of last month and told me that he and Cynthia literally just got done finishing up the paperwork. I was extremely shocked. He told me that they have actually been arguing and fighting like CRAZY for a very very long time. Finally they decided to get a divorce, but didn’t tell anyone. They wanted it to be finalized first. Then tell people. I was so surprised.. I didn’t even know what to say. But he assured me that this is a VERY GOOD thing. He was planning a celebration that night. Lol! It’s crazy, they were only married for 2 years!

Hmmm.. I’m trying to think if there’s anything else worth mentioning... Like I said, my life has been pretty dull lately.. Well. It’s getting late. I’m going to start getting ready for bed. I’m actually kind of tired. Lately I’ve had a really hard time falling asleep.. maybe tonight is my lucky night and I’ll actually be able to fall asleep quickly. *knock on wood* Goodnight, Tumblr! 

#life update #fuck 2020

[wolfmadefromash]

It’s Lonely in NYC

Base off the post I reblogged before this one; Stiles is away at college, bummed and missing home. Derek drops by and surprises him when he needed it most.

Stiles had been excited to go away to school, nervous, but excited.

He never thought he’d get into NYU, he hadn’t even remembered sending in the completed application, he honestly wasn’t going to bother; last he remembered seeing it, was when he and Scott had barged into Derek’s loft. He had his essay out and was working on it while Scott and Derek talked about some pack that would be passing through. He was sitting at the table, papers in front of him, then that’s it. He swore he put it in his bag and just left it there, never addressing an envelope or anything. It was NYU, even if he did get in, he couldn’t have afforded to go and it was in the other side of the country anyway. No way he would he leave his dad like that. So, he had decided to just leave it there. But a few months later when his other acceptance letter started to role in, all local schools no more than 4 hours away, there was a large purple envelope with white lettering.

Dear Mr. Stilinski,

Congratulations! We are honored to accept you into the Criminal Justice Bachelors in Science degree program for the fall semester. We are proud to have you attending NYU this fall, and would like to award you a scholarship based on the glowing recommendations and your excellent academic standing.

You will receive a separate letter shortly, detailing the requirements to accepting and maintaining the award.

We look forward to meeting you in the fall.

He couldn’t believe it.

The letter for the scholarship actually came that same day, in a smaller envelope; when Stiles opened it, he almost passed out. It had given him a breakdown, suggested class schedule for his first two semesters and their cost. The scholarship would cover the whole cost of classes, 5 each semester, as well as books and housing.

It was a full ride. With an opportunity like that, he couldn’t see how he could possibly turn it down and his dad encouraged him to just take a leap.

So, he did. And it was great.

Mostly.

He missed home, his friends, his dad. Sure, he had a few people he hung out with but it just wasn’t the same. There were things that he couldn’t tell them about his life and about home. It almost made him feel isolated, and he didn’t do well with isolation.

Couple of his friends had taken him out for dinner, seeing that he was looking depressed they wanted to cheer him up. It’d been a barely a month since he’d seen his dad over winter break, but he still missed him and the spring semester was longer, so it’d be awhile until he was able to get home. His birthday, also fell right in the middle of the semester and he had just been informed that he would not be able to see his dad for it. They just could afford the trip to either end of the country, they didn’t have the money and couldn’t take the time off either.

He was missing home and his friends, he managed to see everyone over winter break except Derek, who had left town a week before he got home; going to where ever Cora was for the holidays. He didn’t want to be disappointed in that, Derek should be with his sister for the holidays. But, Stiles missed him; not that he’d ever admit that to him.

Stiles was about to excuse himself and slide out of the booth when another body dropped down on the bench next to him.

“So, what’s good to eat here?”

Stiles stared at the man with wide eyes. “D-Derek? What-what are you doing here?”

Derek turned to him, a big smile stretching across his face. “I was in the area. Thought I’d drop by.”

Stiles blinked rapidly, feeling overwhelming emotion flooding his body. “I…you were in the area?”

Derek kept his brilliant smile on his face. “Sure. I woke up this morning and thought, I wonder what Stiles is up to? So, I just took a quick 5-hour flight and found myself in the area.”

“I…I…” Stiles threw himself forward, colliding with Derek in the small space of the booth and wrapping his arms around him, turning his face into his neck letting out a sob.

Derek chuckled softly, bringing his arms around Stiles’ torso. “It’s good to see you Stiles.”

“You have no idea how much I needed this.”

Derek turned into Stiles, inhaling deeply. “I might have some idea.” He told him, whispering close to his ear. “I missed you.”

Stile felt his cheeks getting warm, he just buried his face deeper in Derek neck and squeeze the man tighter.

He friends cleared their throats from across the table. Stiles quickly pulled away from Derek, feeling embarrassed. “Uh, sorry. Guys this is Derek, he’s a good friend from back home.”

“Just a friend?” his one friend has asked with a smirk.

“I, uh, well, y-yeah.” Stiles stammered.

His friend glanced down before shifting his eyes from Derek to Stiles. “Sure, man. Whatever you say.”

Stiles drew his eyebrows together in confusion, looking down and brushing a deep shade of red when he found he was holding onto Derek’s hand in his lap. “Oh.” He went to release Derek’s hand but the wolf just gave him a gentle squeeze looking at him with a fond smile. Stiles’ heart fluttered in his chest.

Derek slid in closer, pressing against Stiles’ side. He leaned over him, reaching for the menu with his free hand. “You never answered my question, so I’ll have to find something to eat myself.”

Stiles chewed on his bottom lip, froze not knowing what to do or say. Derek ran his thumb back and forth on the back of his hand as he looked through the menu.

“The um, the southwest chicken is pretty good.” Derek nodded, continuing to look through the menu. “I usually get a wrap.”

After another minute, Stiles’ friends seemed to lose interest in what was happening across the booth, he calmed down and relaxed against Derek’s side.

His friend had to leave not long after Derek has sat down, complaining about early classes.

“What about you?” Derek asked him after the last of his friends left.

Stiles shrugged, glancing down at where he still held Derek’s hand in his lap. “I’m off tomorrow.”

“Want to get desert?”

“Um, sure. You pick.”

Derek nodded, looking at a dessert menu card left on the table.

Stiles smiled as he ordered, listening to him complain about Cora in the way a loving brother always does; like she was the bane of his existence but he loved her to death and would do anything for her.

“So,” Stiles started. “Why did you really come to New York?”

Derek glanced over at Stiles, blush creeping up his cheeks. “Cora and me had a talk.”

Stiles chuckled. “You were hanging out with her and that pack for like a month. I imagine you had a lot of talks.”

Derek shook his head. “I mean after, after I got home. I thought I made it back before you left Beacon Hills, I thought you would be there another week. I got the dates wrong though.”

“You wanted to get back to see me?”

Derek looked at him, here eyebrows drawn together. “Of course, it did. I wanted to know how NYU was, how you were. I knew you coming out here would he hard but that it’d be good for you. You never would have sent that application, you needed the push and I just wanted to make sure you were okay after your first semester out here.”

“Push?” Derek’s cheeked flushes pink, he cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “Derek, did you break into my house, root through my book bag and steal my NYU application?”

The man sighed, releasing Stiles hand and wiping his down his face. “I knew you weren’t going to send it, okay? I know this was one of your dream schools with your mom having gone here-”

“Wait, I only mentioned that like once. How do you remember that?”

“I-I remember a lot of what you say. I listen when you talk” Derek tells him with a shrug. “I didn’t want you to not take a chance. I know you worry about your dad but there’s a bunch of us back home to look out for him.”

“Did you pay the application fee?”

“It was almost $100, you had just sent a bunch of other applications out already. I knew you’d get in but in the off chance you didn’t I didn’t want you to waste your money.”

“You stole my application, sent it off behind my back, and even paid the application fee?”

“I send some recommendation letters too.” Derek muttered, looking down at the untouched dessert.

“Derek! I got a full ride from those!”

“What?! NYU is expensive, I didn’t want anything stand in your way when you got in. It wasn’t a big deal. I would have just, you know, paid for it.”

“Derek. You’re now seriously saying you would have paid for my college education if I hadn’t gotten a scholarship!”

“I would have helped at least, it’s not like I do anything with the money I have.” Derek mumbled with a shrug.

“I wouldn’t have accepted that.”

“You wouldn’t have had to, I would have just sent the checks in or made up some scholarship.”

Stiles narrowed his eyes at him.

“You got a scholarship, so I don’t see how that matters; before you ask, yes a real one. I’ll show you my bank statements if you want. All I did was ask a few people at the station like Parrish to write a few things down and I cornered McCall, he kind of owed you after the shit he tried to pull with your dad. I still don’t know how he and Scott at related. Melissa wanted to help too and Argent’s made a few deals with law enforcement across the country, his name is pretty widely know. He was happy to write a letter. Kiras dad and Deaton were happy to help too.”

“That’s…that’s a lot people to track down.”

Derek shrugged again, picking up his fork and poking at the lava cakes he’d ordered. “Satomi was apparently some hot shot lawyer in the city too.”

“Oh my god.” Stiles grinned at Derek; he placed his hands on Derek’s face, turning his head to face him leaning forward and pressing his lips to the wolf’s. “You’re amazing.”

Stiles pulled back, Derek leaned in chasing his lips. He brought his hand to cup the back of his neck, pulling him forward. Stiles hummed against Derek’s mouth, his hands gliding up the man’s arms until his fingers met at the base of his neck.

Derek slowly pulled back, pecking Stiles’ mouth before bringing their foreheads together. “I’m sorry I missed you when you where home.”

“Hm.” Stiles hummed, scratching his fingers against Derek’s scalp. “You know I’ve been back here for 3 weeks.”

Derek smirks, kissing Stiles again. “That’s the conversation I had with Cora.” Stiles sat back, his hands sliding back down Derek’s arms. “When I was with Cora, I told her, well I told her that I…um.”

“That you, liked, me?” Stiles finished slowly.

Derek nodded with a small smile. “Yeah. She practically threw me out when I told her you were home on break. But I got back and you were gone already. I rushed over to your house and your dad told me your flight went out the night before. I called Cora when I got back to the loft. She told me I should just get back on a plane and fly to New York.”

“Cora wanted you to follow me out here?”

Derek smiled, nodding his head. “Yeah. She said we were both idiots.”

Stiles sputtered, looking around wildly. “Both? What did I do? I was just here, going to school.”

Derek held up his finger, fishing out his phone and calling Cora. He put his phone on speaker and set it on the table.

“What do you want idiot?”

“Hello to you too.” Derek rolled his eyes. “You’re on speaker by the way. I’m in New York. With Stiles.”

“You’re only just getting out there now! I told your dumbass to get out there weeks ago. You’re an idiot.”

“Apparently you think I’m an idiot too?” Stiles interjected.

“Yes. As a matter of fact, I do. You two are both so dense. Well you are, my brothers just a scared little baby who’s afraid to talk about his feelings.”

“I can practically hear your eye roll, Cor.”

“Shut up. Is this why you called me? Do I have to explain this to your boyfriend? Seriously? You flew out there and are sitting with him in what, a diner? Sounds like a diner. You can’t just look at him and say Stiles, I’ve liked you since you helped save my sister? Probably before that? Anyone with eyes could have seen that you both were head over heels for each other.”

Stiles shot his eyes to Derek. “Since helping with Cora, huh?”

“This idiot is in love with you.”

“Cora.” Derek groaned, dropping his head to the table.

“What? Look, you called me to work your feelings out for you. This is what you get. Good-bye.”

Stiles covered his mouth with his hand, trying to hide the smile he was failing to suppress.

“Stop it.” Derek grumbled.

“What?” Stiles asked innocently.

“I hate you.”

Stiles leaned forward, draping his arm over Derek’s back, smiling against his shoulder. “Cora says you love me.”

“I hate her too.” Derek mumbled into his arms, head turned back to the table.

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.” Derek grunted, tilting his head looking at Stiles with one eye. “If it makes you feel any better, I spent most of the vacation whining to Scott about you. In fact, I’ve spent most conversations with him in the last 3 years whining about you.”

Derek picked his head up, resting his chin on his arm. “Yeah?”

Stiles nodded. “Dad too a little bit. He just groaned and told me to at least wait until I turned 18 because he didn’t want to have to arrest you again.” He pecks a quick kiss to the wolf’s cheek with a grin. “He said he really liked you and didn’t want to have to press charges that would stick.” Stiles leaned to the side, digging out his own phone. He leaned in close to Derek, holding the phone out and snapping a picture; him grinning and Derek scowling in confusion.

He sent the picture to his dad with a smiley face.

Look who came to visit me!

“You’re an idiot.” Derek said with no heat behind the word. He picked his head up leaning back in the booth, throwing his arm of the the back of it.

Stiles scooted in close, nestling against Derek’s side smiling at his dad’s response.

[POPS]

I figured after he came banging on my door less than 24 hours after bringing you to the airport.

Derek glared at the screen in front of Stiles. “He makes it sound like I tried to kick the door down.”

[POPS]

What took him so long?

“Seriously? Why am I being attacked here?”

Stiles threw his head back, cackling loudly.

#sterek fic #sterek fanfiction #sterek fics #sterek fic rec #sterek fic recommendation #Derek hale #stiles stilinski #derek and stiles #stiles and derek #teen wolf #teen wolf fic #teen wolf fanfiction

[placesthatchangedpeople]

Suvivor testimony - Trinity Teen Solutions

I attended Trinity as a teen and have since tried to forget the trauma that happened to me while I was there but have found myself 5 years later, still tortured by the memories. I was your typical rebellious teen- experimenting with alcohol and drugs, defiant, hanging out with older boys, and depressed. However, the punishment I received at trinity for being this way is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. All Trinity did was confuse and lie to my family, and further traumatize me. I was sitting in a car one day after I got out drinking and smoking weed with my old friends 100 times MORE self destructive, alone, and sad than I was the day I went to Trinity. The affects of Trinity led me to be a serious hard drug abuser, something I was never destined to be coming from my loving and supporting family that was only trying to help me. I had no other way to numb the memories and pain. Every other girl I attended with had similar fates- either became serious junkies, or became promiscuous and had children out of wedlock because they were only searching for love and to numb the memories as well. I am being totally honest when I say this- I WOULD HAVE RATHER BEEN IN JAIL.

Why? Many reasons. One, in jail you actually know how long you are going to be there. Trinity is on a "need to know basis." So unless it is information you need to know in a life or death situation, it is withheld from you. The MONTHS never knowing when you will be able to see your family again or be treated like a human being are torture. Two, you can talk to other people in jail and rely on each other for support. At Trinity, the girls are not in any case allowed to be friends or talk to each other without permission. No one is allowed to know why the other one is there. Theyre encouraged to tattle on each other and punished if they do not. This creates a lonely and depressing environment versus having other girls there for support and to share similar struggles with. Three, if you are doing well you will get out sooner and vice versa. At Trinity, no matter what you do, you will be accused of faking it and lying and problems will be made up by staff for you, anything in order to tell your parents you need to be kept there longer. It is biased and decided by unqualified "life coaches" that have simply received an undergrad degree in something like psychology and has no training. I was once told by one of these staff members that I was getting too close with another girl and every time I looked or spoke to this other girl I was tacking on a few months to my stay at Trinity. My final reason is you are given adequate hygiene, food, and clothing in jail. At Trinity, every girl there even though we were all different sizes and body builds were FORCED to eat the exact same portion every single meal and if they didn't eat something on their plate? Punished. This was too much for some girls and never enough for others. Showers were maybe once a week in cold water for 5 minutes. And the underwear, bras, and clothing were reused by girls for over 20 years- it was ratty and disgusting. One girl came back as a staff member 10 years after she had been there and said she recognized her sweat pants and hoodies she wore at age 15. This is pretty amusing to me since TRINITY COSTS NEARLY $300 A DAY. Yet they spent none of this money on clothing or anything else really. Food was ordered cheaply in bulk and the girls made every thing themselves- low cost pasta and rice meals- and if anything started getting used to much and became "too expensive" it was immediately nixed. I was once reprimanded for using the too expensive avocados.

Angie Woodward, the owner. How that name makes me cringe. She is the lovely lady responsible for harming so many teen girls and scamming hundreds of people into dumping her loads of cash for her multiple homes, vacations, and boats, cars, horses, ATVs, etc. that she parades around the girls and rubs in their faces while they are slaving away on her ranch. Angie's father owns the trouble teen boys ranch down the road and is where she learned all of these shaming and fear tactics for the clients and families. The only difference between the two ranches is that the boys one has been closed for abuse, neglect, and fraud, while Angie's is surprisingly still open! She claims to have years of experience and be our on staff nurse but I think I only saw her twice in the whole year and a half I was there- like I said she was busy vacationing. She hires 24 years olds fresh out of undergrad to carry out the dirty work instead who are too fresh in the world and naive to know they are doing something wrong- although a few figured it out and left and have written reviews here themselves that are negative but have been removed. Ill spare you the details of the abuse and neglect that goes on at Trinity- all you need to know is it is a scam with false advertising, AND YOU SHOULD NEVER SEND YOUR DAUGHTER HERE.

#trinity teen solutions #wyoming

[rosymiel]

1-100.. bitch

oh FUCK you (im jk.. i love you..)

The meaning behind my url: i love french, and so i wanted to spice up my url and have it not be sims related from the get-go (my previous url was ughplumb). at first i wanted my url to be “cherry wine” in french because my favorite song of all time is cherry wine by hozier, however the url was already taken. i settled for rosy honey, hence rosymiel

A picture of me: honestly just look at my tag “kyla has a face”! i don’t have any new selfies of myself aside from what i’ve posted.

How many tattoos i have and what they are: i only have one, and it’s right in between my shoulder blades on my back. it’s of my family’s crest, which says “miseris succurrere disco”, which basically means to help people in need.

Last time i cried and why: last night because i was watching queer eye

Piercings i have: i used to have my ears pierced, but i hated keeping track of my earrings so i just let them close up. i wish i never let them close up, and now i also want to get my nose pierced 

Favorite band: i don’t really listen to any bands, just artists!

Biggest turn offs: burping and chewing sounds. chewing sounds legitimately anger me so much, i don’t know why

Top 5 songs: Cherry Wine (Hozier), Rain On Me (Joji), IDFC (Blackbear), I Love You (Billie Eilish), The Night We Met (Lord Huron)

Tattoos I want: OHHHHH MY GOD i want so many!!!! i just honestly want my body to be covered in flower tattoos to the point that i’m just a walking garden!! i really want to get a pair of watercolor roses or lilies right under my collarbones!!

Biggest turn ons: good cologne. i don’t know why, but cologne makes me go insane, i love it so much

Age: 18 going on 19!

Ideas of a perfect date: relaxing at home and cuddling with my boyfriend while watching our favorite show

Life goal: oh god this is super deep and i’ve sat on this question for a fat minute and all i can think about is how much i want to be content with myself, so i guess that’s my goal

Piercings i want: nose and ear piercings, babie!!!

Relationship status: happily taken!

Favorite movie: oh god, probably across the universe. i’ve loved it ever since i was a kid

A fact about my life: i’ve been in choir almost all my life

Phobia: the dark. when i was a kid i used to see faces on my walls when my room was dark

Middle name: marie

Height: 5′5.5 (basically just 5′6)

Are you a virgin?: yessirree 

What’s your shoe size?: 7

What’s your sexual orientation?: i’m pretty straight, but i think i’m heteroflexible. i’d definitely get down and nasty with a girl, but i’ve never felt any romantic attraction towards females

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?: no, my parents smoked cigarettes for most of my life, and my dad regularly smokes weed. the smell of weed makes my head hurt and makes me feel nauseous, so no thanks.

Someone you miss: my boyfriend. he’s been on a family trip to cuba, and he hasn’t contacted anyone (including me) in almost 10 days. i miss him so much that it genuinely hurts.

What’s one thing you regret?: not learning to love myself sooner and finding comfort in feeling depressed because it’s something familiar

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: zendaya 

Favorite ice cream?: i don’t eat a whole lot of ice cream, so i guess cookies and cream

One insecurity: my teeth. my two teeth next to my front teeth are pointed, and i used to get called a vampire when i was young. i was always bullied for it, and for most of my life i would cover my mouth with my hand whenever i laughed or smiled. a recent incident that comes to mind was sophomore year in high school in my english class. i sat next to my friend mooney (i called her by her last name because we met in gym), and one day she was talking to the guy infront of her about how pretty she thought i was, and how she thought that i could’ve been a model. the guy who sat in front of me, who’s name was tristan and was also in my choir the previous year, said that i’d be pretty with me if my teeth weren’t so fucked up. 

What my last text message says: “god this fan feels so nice”

Have you ever taken a picture naked?: :)

Have you ever painted your room?: no, but i’ve tried painting the bathroom with my mom

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?: nope

Have you ever slept naked?: yeah?????????

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?: i can’t dance, so absolutely not

Have you ever had a crush?: yeah??!??!?!!? ofc. i had a major crush on my current boyfriend, and he had a crush on me first before we started dating. it’s actually a really cute story

Have you ever been dumped?: yeah, twice. my last one was really brutal, but not because of how he dumped me.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?: nope

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?: nope

Have you ever been in a fist fight?: nope

Have you ever snuck out of your house?: nah, i’m a goody-two-shoes

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?: oh HELL yeah

Have you ever been arrested?: nope, and not planning on it!

Have you ever made out with a stranger?: nope!! 

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?: not in a sexual or romantic way, no

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?: nah

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?: i don’t think so??

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?: i ditched my nesika (which was like homeroom, but only two days of the week rather than daily) to go to a coffee stand with a friend

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?: not in a sexual or romantic way

Have you ever seen someone die?: no, and i really don’t want to :^(

Have you ever been on a plane?: yup!! i love it

Have you ever kissed a picture?: maybe…………… :’^)

Have you ever slept in until 3?: oh my GOD no. i fall asleep relatively early and wake up early, even on my days off.

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?: yeah??? lowkey this question is phrased in a weird way

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?: oh my god yes, it’s so relaxing

Have you ever made a snow angel?: yup!!!!

Have you ever played dress up?: oh HELL yes i have!!!

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?: okay does anyone remember doing the stock market game in freshmen year/middle school in history class? my friend and i looked up the answers online and cheated. we were rich that day in that class.

Have you ever been lonely?: i’m lonely right now

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?: maybe for 10 seconds, but no

Have you ever been to a club?: nope!

Have you ever felt an earthquake?: i don’t think so, no

Have you ever touched a snake?: SDKJGBSD NO!!!!!

Have you ever ran a red light?: nope!

Have you ever been suspended from school?: nope!!!!

Have you ever had detention?: i had lunch detention for saying “stfu” to a guy who was bugging me in 5th grade. i thought i was the shit for that.

Have you ever been in a car accident?: nope!

Have you ever hated the way you look?: 100%. i’ve always had huge insecurities surrounding my body or how i look.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?: bruh i literally stole a pack of gum from a store when i was 4. i COMMITTED a crime. in my defense, i stole it for my mom to make her happy. i got yelled at

Have you ever pole danced?: nope, but i would love to! it looks like a really good workout!

Have you ever been lost?: i got lost just last week

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?: nope!!! i don’t travel much

Have you ever felt like dying?: yes. i used to be suicidal

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?: hell yeah babie!

Have you ever sang karaoke?: i sing karaoke on youtube almost every single day. not only that, but on the first day of practicing for my high school graduation i stopped by my choir class before it began (seniors got out earlier than everyone else), and i sang karaoke with them.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?: 100%

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?: NO?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?: no

Have you ever kissed in the rain?: how can u kiss the rain. bruh.

Have you ever sang in the shower?: i sang in the shower earlier today

Have you ever made out in a park?: nope!

Have you ever dream that you married someone?: yep!!!!

Have you ever glued your hand to something?: i don’t think so????

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?: no, but i got my tongue stuck to one of those metal low monkey bar things.

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?: no?????

Have you ever been a cheerleader?: no, but my childhood friend and i wanted to be cheerleaders in high school before i moved to a different state

Have you ever sat on a roof top?: nope

Have you ever brushed your teeth?: who are you, my mom?

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?: oh my GOD yes

Have you ever played chicken?: nope!! im a pussy

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?: nope!

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?: not that i’m hot, but i’ve gotten many compliments from strangers

Have you ever broken a bone?: nope!

Have you ever been easily amused?: i used to be one of those kids that would laugh before they could finish a joke

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?: i’ve laughed so hard that i’ve pissed myself. so yes.

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?: i mean????

Have you ever cheated on a test?: i cheated on a 2nd grade spelling test. who knew that i would end up actually being great at spelling shit

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?: oh my god i have the worst memory and i’m terrible with names

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?: my boyfriend :’’’’^)

Give us one thing about you that no one knows: a couple friends know, but when i’m too lazy to throw on shoes or socks to walk around the house i just pull my sweatpants legs a bit over my feet and just wrap it around my feet. it’s weird

#non sims #reply #roseiio

[systemofsky]

Life update or rant or whatever

Sorry for being so inactive in a while. I just can't bring myself to keep up with this blog at the moment and interactions with others are hard. But I still appreciate everyone on here so much and every little message or like or whatever means a lot to us❤️

Our life and system are a mess rn. We have moved into a new house and it was incredibly stressful and draining. Chronic pain is super bad at the moment, the dissociation game and depression are strong too.

I thought moving would make things better, but I feel like a ghost in this giant house. I thought this much space would be freeing, but it's not doing that. I spend a lot of time alone here. I fear being alone and being the only one in this huge place, makes it seem even more lonely for some reason. And when I am not alone, it feels like living with a stranger.

We are trying though, we are fighting. We finally came to the conclusion, that we can't go on like this. Things need to change. It will probably hurt a lot, but sometimes you need to tear things down to build something new. Sometimes you need to hurt just a bit more to finally be set free and have a chance to heal.

We have been stuck in this relationship with our - or more like Skye's - partner for more than 3 years at this point, living together for more than 2. There have been issues from the start, that we so desperately tried to overlook. There have been.. Bad situations. Hurting each other. Threatening to leave the other. I don't want to go into more details. My friends and family don't like him. I tried to tell myself that they were wrong, but I am starting to realize that probably I was in the wrong here. I shouldn't have let it come this far. I do not think he is a bad person, but we are certainly not good together.

But it's easier to keep your mouth shut and try to please than to speak your truth. I'm sure that we are not the only a*use survivors with that mindset.

But I can't do this anymore. I don't even know who I am at this point (and I am not talking about my alters or the system). We are losing who we are gradually. We were living for him mostly, stopped doing things we liked, stopped talking about things we cared about simply because he didn't like them. Stopped seeing friends and family and going on trips as much as we would like to, because he did not like to be home by himself.

I've been lying to myself long enough, that I can handle this, that I can make things better. But not like this, not anymore.

Only one holding onto this relationship was Skye. Others either wanted a partner for themselves (which this person would never allow) or to be independant. But Skye has been gone for over 2 months now. I don't know if she went into dormancy, if she is somewhere very deep in the inner world or maybe even gone. A possiblity is, that she integrated with me, M. I am not sure about this. As far as I know, we never had any integration before. It certainly wasn't planned. I don't know what integration is supposed to feel like. All I know is, that I can't feel Skye anymore and that I am different. I used to be the most dysfunctional and self-destructive part when out. This time around it's different. I am still far from well, but my mind is not a pure hazy mess of pain anymore. I can do some things now that I wasn't able to before, and I can talk to people (or like text) way better now. Before, that would almost be impossible. My best friend noticed as well. She said that I sound similar to Skye, she can barely make out a difference.

I don't know what all of this means, but I am trying to figure it out. Out of all of us, I never thought that me and Skye might integrate or something. We had... our differences. But maybe it is a good thing, for the most functional and the most dysfunctional part to fuse. I kinda miss Skye, she has been Host for about 7 years now. I don't know how this system will function from now on. I don't really know who "I" am at this point, but I do believe now, that we can find our way in all this mess.

I think a big reason why I still haven't broken off this relationship before, is that the alternatives wouldn't look too promising.

It's either going back to my parents house and I never want to be subjected to living with my mother ever again. It would mean huge steps backwards in our recovery.

Or living on our own, but that wasn't much of an option. I can neither support myself financially nor in general. We would probably turn into even more of a mess. We never learned any life skills really. We need someone by our side to copy things basically and have help when needed.

Now, things have changed though. Our best friend has offered to move in with her. It would solve a lot of issues for both her and our system. Really, it would be perfect. She knows my system better than anyone else and she is the most amazing and supportive person I know. It would be a dream come true and I believe very beneficial to our recovery and finding out who we are.

Only thing holding me back now, are legal problems (since we only signed the lease for this new place and we are unsure when we will be able to move out again) and the relationship with our current partner.

I am pretty sure that we can figure out the housing situation, my Dad is 100% supportive and willing to help out with that.

But breaking up is up to me now. And I am terribly afraid of it. I have nother done it in my life and I am afraid of his reaction. I hate our fights and I really don't know what will happen. I also don't want to hurt him. But I know that it is the right thing to do. Now I just need to work up the courage to do it and make a plan how to best go about it. It is scary... But I have to see it as one more step of overcoming things. Letting go to be able to heal. And now, I can finally see a future for ourselves.

Wow, writing this has been strangely cathartic. I feel better now, more in tune with myself and what I need to do.

I'm just gonna leave this here. Thank you for reading.

#did system #did #did life #tw abuse #abuse survivor #relationships #relationship issues #breaking up #tw pain #possible integration #alters integrating #best friends