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a-model-of-propriety · 1 year

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(steps onto a soap box)

More Nikolai & Rune moments, please

If you have the time & energy of course :D👍

finally got around to answering this! :D

–

“Rune!” Nikolai called out as they dashed across the ship to catch up with her. “You’re not on duty right now, are you?”

Rune shook their head. “Not for another couple hours,” he signed.

“Perfect,” Nik said, grinning from ear to ear as he dragged Rune along behind him, “because there is something belowdeck you have to see.”

Luckily for Nik, Rune followed without a single protestation. The pair of them descended belowdeck and wove through the small bunches of people until they reached Nik’s destination: Lynx.

Was the ship’s chief mouser doing anything out of the ordinary? Certainly not. Nik at least had seen her making biscuits in this very spot dozens of times before. But that was irrelevant, and Rune clearly agreed. In unison, Nik and Rune sat down next to Lynx to silently (or not so silently, in Nik’s case) watch her. When Lynx was finished with her extremely important task of making biscuits, she yawned widely and shifted into a more comfortable napping position, and Nik had to physically restrain himself from disturbing her with any unwanted petting.

“Antonov, Hermansen!” Andrey called from down the hall. “Are you two all right? You’ve barely moved in the past hour.”

Nik immediately shushed him, pointing to the still very sleepy Lynx.

“Ah,” he said. “I should have guessed, seeing how focused you were.” Andrey crouched down between Nik and Rune. “Did you know I used to have a cat?” he asked.

“You did?” Nik asked, to which Andrey nodded in reply. Immediately, both Nik and Rune launched into a barrage of questions about this mysterious cat’s appearance, name, age, personality, and anything else under the sun. But chatter and sign as they might, neither could get another word out of Andrey about his cat. Unfortunately, that information would have to come another day.

#seph answers #seph writes #from the ship logbooks #nikolai antonov #rune hermansen #andrey morozov #i had the hardest time coming up with a good idea for this one clkgjwlkgsdjlk

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moongreenlight · 2 months

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Simon Riley is the WORST dirty talker on planet earth. Like so bad you have to tell him to shut up or else you’re not going to finish. However, he fucking lays it down crazy style.

Johnny on the other hand? He should win trophies for his dirty talk. Knows just how to charm you out of your skivvies with just a few carefully chosen words. Unfortunately the best he can offer you is 3-5 minutes of astonishingly one-sided missionary with a noteworthy *barely pull out in time and finish on your stomach.*

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anakinh · 6 months

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in final fantasy, limit breaks are filled when you take damage. furthermore, levelling up involves combat. in sephiroth's flashback in ever crisis, hojo says "the more you endure, the greater the power that will awaken in you." to use 'gamer' terminology: hojo was power-levelling his son.

#in this essay i will #me.txt #ever crisis #sephiroth #professor hojo #ngl i actually did have a headcanon that hojo DID in fact try to power-level his son to get his limit breaks #in the OG sephiroth had no limit break and was always under the 'peerless' status which made him immune to damage #my headcanon was that hojo tortured seph to get a limit break and to his annoyance he succeeded but the limit break made seph invincible #therefore in the OG he didn't have a limit break because it was always active #it's ofc not true now but i like it. i was gonna write a fanfic about it but 1) got bored 2) nah 3) flew too close to the sun

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halebobgr · 1 year

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Rectify a personal piece of fanart for one of my favourite fics, by @unknown-lifeform!

#sefikura #sephiroth #cloud strife #sephiroth fanart #cloud strife fanart #listen this fic has me going insane every other week #its so GOOD #thank you so much for posting it for us <3 #hope its ok to tag you on stuff!#it has given me so much inspiration you have no idea #sefikura fanart #i ADORE how you write both Cloud and Seph

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crisiscutie · 1 year

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Sephiroth/Domestic Darling headcanons (Feat. Zack)

I wanted fluff headcanons. I wanted pregnancy headcanons. So why not both? Read part two here. Feat. Platonic Zack/Darling and platonic SephZack. Mentioned Zerith. Set late Crisis Core. TW: Pregnancy and body change. Sephiroth with yandere/possessive tendencies.

Honestly, neither of you were keen about children, especially since Sephiroth had just left SOLDIER. Zack was a lifesaver, helping you two decide where to go and coming up with a clever alibi for your escape. He would've made a great travel agent in another life, with his skill in planning the best trips.

You and Sephiroth will definitely miss Zack. You guys withheld the big news, not wanting to distress the poor boy with it.

During the journey, you had to fight off your fear and stress. You didn’t want your newly formed family to spend the rest of their days pursued by Shinra.

Sephiroth promises that he'll go to any length to keep you and your unborn child safe. He appears composed about the dilemma, though you wonder if it’s him just trying to appear strong.

You remind him it’s normal to feel scared and overwhelmed by this dilemma like you.

He then softly grasps your hands, looking deeply into your eyes. His gaze sends a wave of warmth through your body.

"My love for you surpasses my fear of Shinra."

The emotion in his voice and the fire in his eyes makes you weep tears of joy as you embrace him. How could you be so worthy of his devotion?

You two settled into a secluded village in the country. The farthest city is hours off, which is perfect for you both.

Sephiroth consistently keeps track of your every move. He usually accompanies you when possible.

He’s remarkably protective of you. He’ll scan your immediate surroundings for any signs of danger and assess your wellbeing often.

He's territorial when other villagers are around you. Although he maintains his professional and distant persona, it's easy to tell from his energy that others should say what they need to and then leave you two be.

If some hapless souls overstep boundaries and/or threaten you, they'll be begging for a speedy end to their anguish.

He needs to be reminded to take a deep breath and let go of any stress. Enjoying your new life together won’t be pleasant if you’re both constantly paranoid.

At first, he’d be reasonably naïve about maternity, but afterwards he’d research every book he can get about it. He strives to help and understand you as much as he can. He wishes to provide you with the same comfort and emotional security that you provided to him while he was in SOLDIER.

Sometimes, he'll swoop you up into his arms, just because he can. Holding you requires no effort, but he’ll treat you with utmost care, especially if you’re in your first trimester.

Since he developed a mild case of Couvade Syndrome, squabbles will occur more. He’ll become aloof after bothersome, foolish arguments (Going out by yourself at the dead of night? No way!). However, he’ll be ready for any crisis or needs you have. Nothing will be more important than you.

You’d have to forgive him for gently teasing you for your strange food cravings. He’d take a bite of the food just to put a smile on your face, though.

In your second trimester, your baby bump will show. The sight and feel of it mesmerizes Sephiroth. He absolutely worships your pregnant body. Belly rubs are customary under his watch!

If Zack miraculously encounters you two, you would happily welcome him into your home (with discretion, of course). He was the anchor that kept you both steady during the period of your separation from Sephiroth sometime ago. You feel an immense sense of gratitude towards him.

The announcement of your pregnancy was astounding to Zack initially. After the shock wears off, he is ecstatic, congratulating you both.

Before he asks to touch your belly, you and Sephiroth speak in unison.

“Permission granted.”

Despite Zack's trustworthiness, Sephiroth's arm instinctively wraps around you when he comes close to your belly. An unwavering sense of security radiates from him. Though this is not intentional.

Zack carefully lays his hand on your stomach, giving your belly a soft, singular stroke as he feels your baby kick within you.

You can't help but feel your spirits lift when you look into Zack's baby blue eyes, twinkling with joy. He merrily proclaims himself the honorary uncle of your little one.

Later on, after reflecting on the events he's gone through, Zack questions whether quitting Shinra is the right thing to do. You and Sephiroth offered him words of encouragement, pushing him to do it. You both cite your current lives as a testimony. Freedom from Shinra is the most precious gift a SOLDIER can have.

Zack grins, his eyes twinkling with mischief as he declares he will bring his flower girl sweetheart to meet you two if he carries out his plan.

You and Sephiroth said your goodbyes to Zack with heavy hearts as he departed. He vows to come back one day. You have faith that he'll choose to leave SOLDIER and become a hero of his own volition.

You and Sephiroth spent that night in peaceful silence near the fireplace. You sit on his lap and his head nestles into your neck. His warm hands lightly cradle your big belly. You can feel your baby kicking and squirming as you approach the end of your pregnancy. Your delivery date is almost here.

Having a lot more time with him and finally living together was a fantasy you’ve had. With the fantasy now a reality, you would never exchange it for anything. Nothing will tear you two apart.

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prismaticpichu · 10 months

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An arachnophobic Zack watching in awe as Sephiroth, instead of squashing the spider he discovered in his apartment, gingerly releases it on the windowsill.

~~~

“Wow, bud…” Zack sounds almost sheepish. “I didn’t know you liked spiders.”

Sephiroth shrugs, a certain thoughtfulness in his eyes as he tosses the paper towel out. “They’re…. perfectly fine creatures.” Though he is admittedly fascinated by their webbing patterns, yes, he can’t deny that there is more motivating him than simply that. More plucking at him, reaching deeper strings.

A pensive, weary look crosses the warrior’s face, his gaze suddenly heavy with stones of the past. Somewhat faraway. Floating.

Zack’s sheepishness is eclipsed by concern. “Seph? You okay, pal?”

He can never hide things from Zack anymore. Not that he wishes to.

Sephiroth again shrugs, lightly huffing. “There’s countless people and monsters that have fallen by my hand. Almost all of them were in the line of duty. Against my control.” He glances at the window, where the spider has already vanished into the velvet night, free and safe and spared.

“I try to do right when that control is mine.”

Zack watches his friend for several beats, letting a swathe of silence stretch between them. And then he gets up, from the couch where he had taken cover, making his way across the room to pull his friend into a warm, proud hug.

He squeezes tight, a gentle smile pressed into the leather collar.

“…And they called you a Demon.”

#ffvii #sephiroth #zack fair #crisis core #fangirl #floof #weenie hut jrs #I’ve been slow on Zack & Seph stuff shdhdhdhd this is still like the heart of the blog lmao #bite-sized writing #idk what to call these- like cinnamon roll bites of a fic #pichu writing #i know he’s like canonically a LITTLE bit more vicious- even in CC- but I like squishy heart seph

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akirakirxaa · 7 months

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She could feel the blood still oozing from the wound in her throat, and she reached up to try to stem the flow with shaky fingers. There was angry snarling nearby, but she felt too far away to make out the words. She heard rapid footsteps and someone kneeling by her. “Don’t worry, we have you,” a voice had said.

— Once Bitten, Twice Shy

#ffxiv #vampire au #this scene is getting expanded when I write this properly #hythazemet #oc: persephone 'azem'#hythlodaeus #emet-selch #azem #yes that's kugane i couldn't find any other good modernish cities with an alleyway i could use #gpose #in this au the glowing ancient eyes are vampire eyes so that's why seph doesn't have them here #also gave her a more reasonable hair length for a more modern au instead of super animu lengths #ship: distant skies

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seeminglyseph · 11 months

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Also also I will call Queen Amangeaux, Our Lady of Bad Decisions, but it is purely affectionate. I love an impulsive, impetuous, and naive adventurer. she makes bad choices because she’s prideful and vivacious and flawed and amazing. I love a flawed character and Amangeaux is definitely flawed but I am *delighted by every fucking second of it*. She’s beauty, she’s grace, she’s angry and French and her husband died and no one respects her and she’s tired of your shit so she wants to be a little catty and a little dangerous and she wants to be involved and she wants to be part of the team and she wants to do some assassinations with the party. I. Love. Her. You cannot have a story without conflict, I write my characters to make bad decisions constantly. I love a lady who is committed to being a part of her own destiny even if it means fucking it up. I have nothing but respect for Our Lady of Bad Decisions. I love the decision to make her so flawed.

#seph watches the ravening war #d20 spoilers #queen amangeaux epicee du peche #i love her so muchhhhh #this is excellent character writing #I have no hill to stand on to be like 'my writing decisions grant validity'#but like because it's a writing choice I make a lot I want to say 'I myself make this decision often'#so I am a fan of it and rejoicing in the fact that it is being made not criticizing it?

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pine-needle-shuffle · 5 months

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Riptide AU Notes

Notes part 2

2000 years ago, when the Cetra summoned Meteor to stop Jenova, Meteor essentially melted the ice cap where Icicle would have been. This leads to mass flooding, so most remaining land would be where the mountains and other high ground would have been in game. Most towns still exist, their placements just aren't 1 to 1.

Closer to present day, there's the ShinRa Naval Forces, an extension of the power company, who have major control over inter-island travel and trade. They are still highly militaristic, and make a habit of stamping out "competitors" i.e. anyone who wants to do anything out on the sea independent from ShinRa. This pisses a lot of people off, compounded by the impacts of the mako reactors, which spurs into the creation of RIPTIDE, this AU's version of AVALANCHE.

With growing unrest with ShinRa's "management" of the sea, ShinRa looks to other possibilities to maintain it's choke hold on the world, in this case, the sky. Not stopping with airships, they start messing with genetic engineering, resulting in the creation of Harpies. Genesis, Angeal and Sephiroth are the first successful* outcomes to the experiments, so the project moves forward.

*there were some issues(poor Gen), this would later lead to mass desertion. Kinda what happens when you mess with monster DNA

After the desertion, ShinRa starts getting impatient, because raising these soldiers for 14ish years before setting them out to sea just to have them leave is kind of expensive. So the science department starts looking into turning already existing soldiers into harpies. This change in direction just so happened to coincide with some rather unfortunate(but different!) happenings on the islands of Nibel, giving them 2 subjects seemingly no one will miss.

:)

#ffvii #riptide au #this is mostly the building blocks; theres still a lot left unsaid #also! Seph isn't the antagonist for once; he might be an obstacle at worst; possibly an ally in some circumstances #ive been think about this all week #very glad to get it out in writing #pine.log #long post #i...think?

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a-model-of-propriety · 1 year

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Tell me about Victor 👁️👁️

this one's been sitting in my inbox for... a lot of months, sorry about that!

originally, i was planning to answer this with some sort of infodump, but a little oneshot idea started bouncing around in my head, so here we are.

this one takes place in between chapters 3 and 4 of A Matter of Time. i hope you like it!

–

“Monsieur Time Traveller…”

The phrase echoed in Victor’s head, drowning out all other thoughts he might have had. Whoever the Count was — Victor didn’t care in the slightest, he hoped he didn’t have to deal with the man very much — he had entirely upended Victor’s entire worldview with those few words.

Time Traveller…

He couldn’t help but shove the concept away in denial. There was no way Torres was a time traveller! Yes, he called himself a traveller, and yes, he was often away on some sort of “business” Victor could never weasel out an explanation for, but that certainly didn’t mean Torres was out of time rather than simply out of town.

Even if he was a time traveller — which he clearly wasn’t — why come here and now? What was so special about this time and place that made it worth the effort of visiting over and over? Obviously it couldn’t be his experiments, or else Torres would’ve been there that night. What, then, was the point of coming back time and time again, risking discovery every single moment?

Time Traveller…

Almost against his will, Victor found himself humoring the idea. Stripped of all speculation, the occupation fit the facts. Torres called himself a traveller, and so he was. His comings and goings were often unpredictable, and his absences unexplained. The more Victor considered the possibility, the more likely it seemed. Thousands of microscopic details, down to an odd remark here or there, snapped into place, until Victor could deny it no longer.

Tristan Torres was a Time Traveller.

Victor’s awe at this discovery fizzled out as a single thought nagged in the back of his mind: that night. The night he– the night it all happened. The night Victor ran out of his room in fright, the night Torres found him hours later, soaked to the bone and shaking more from fright than cold.

Why hours later?

Torres was a master of time. Why couldn’t he have been there sooner? He could have stopped Victor from going through with it? He could’ve stopped him at any point in those years leading up to that night of reanimation, and he didn’t. He let Victor work himself to the bone, let him lose himself to his foolish ambitions, let him bring that– that monster to life, all without so much as a warning.

How could he?

#seph answers #seph writes #modern mayhem #modmay victor frankenstein #i'll upload this to the ao3 oneshot collection sometime in the next day or so!

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phy-be · 1 year

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“In our next life, we’ll do all of that. I’ll find you sooner. We’ll have more time.”

— Seph and Leto, from the novel i’m currently drafting

#writeblr #I'M ALMOST DONE AND BY GOD I AM MAKING THE TIME TO FINISH THIS BOOK #flowers of the revolution #(not the book's title btw i'm still running a few different title options in my head)#flowers of the revolution is just the tag #anyway #seph #leto #I've got like 15k words left to write #this year has been so much hard work on the grad school department #writing has unfortunately been pushed back :(( BUT I WILL. FINISH. THIS.

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altocat · 1 year

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Not sure if you've done this, so sorry in advance. If Sephiroth had a child, but the mother didn't make it, what would a child raised by only Sephiroth act like? Lets say a daughter because that brings up more inherent mommy issues. I'm talking both sane and insane Sephiroth.

I know your headcanon for sane him is being in love with Genesis, but for the sake of the prompt, I'll assume Hojo pulled some NASTY tricks. Insane Sephiroth is trying to create a new world, and I'm 99% sure he does not want to raise a remnant after how they turned out.

Sephiroth doesn't want to be a father. The damage done to him throughout his life has made him exceedingly disturbed at the idea of repeating the cycle. He feels that he isn't emotionally equipped enough to handle it, and is terrified of the idea of his own blood being brought up in the labs the way he was.

Now, should Hojo do something particularly nasty and succeed in breeding Sephiroth...

-If there's no mother at all, Sephiroth has to make a choice. His duty to Shinra or knowing that Hojo will torture his offspring for the rest of her natural life, conditioning and corrupting her little by little.

-At first, Sephiroth spends the first few years completely detaching, ignoring his guilt, trying to remain loyal and avoiding it completely. But when he finally sees her again, now a fragile wobbly toddler behind the glass, he can't bear it. It's the first time he's genuinely, completely enraged and angry, breaking through his calm facade just to get to her, killing Hojo without hesitation, taking the child and running. If Sephiroth was ready to leave Shinra over his friends, he would have burned the place to the ground over his child.

-As a father, Sephiroth is distant and not very communicative. He doesn't like to share his emotions and he isn't good at playing or doting or doing anything a healthy father should. He is often leaving her in safe spots and will disappear for long periods, only coming back with food or when it's time for bed. He will purchase whatever is required to keep her well cared for, but he honestly has no idea how to express the traditional feelings of paternal love that most fathers provide. He WANTS to. And the feelings are there deep down. But he is completely at a loss.

-It's only after they've been together for a while that Sephiroth finally begins to learn little by little. He might not ever be a physically affectionate father, but he begins to provide her with gifts, toys. He tries to express himself when he can, and would fight to the death to keep her safe. In rare instances, his hollow mask shatters and she can see just how tired and anxious he really is. It takes many years before he is finally able to tell her that he loves her.

-By the time he's raised her to adulthood, they're much much closer. She understands him very well and he's much more relaxed by then. Sephiroth is more at peace far away from Shinra. And is low-key constantly following his daughter wherever she goes. She finds it quietly amusing. He's still so awkward, and lots of what he says around her is blisteringly aloof and stilted. But she doesn't doubt that he really does love her, and is devoted to her.

-She probably would grow up a bit more mature than other kids her age. And due to Sephiroth being Sephiroth, would probably be well versed in self-defense and reading others when they can't really verbalize. I don't think she'd be especially powerful or important or sue-ish. I like the idea of Sephiroth's child being Just Some Gal. Wise, thoughtful, pragmatic, and thankfully living a normal, boring, uneventful life with no Main Character higher purpose or trauma. Sephiroth would greatly prefer that.

-Because I'm mean, I'd like to think she very strongly resembles Lucrecia hehehehe...

-ANYWAY Insane!Sephiroth just wants to see what's in it for him. Otherwise, he'd find a nice little nook and dump her off. He'll come back once she's an adult and can be useful to Jenova's cause. Other than that, she is of little use to him.

#Sephiroth #Sephcanons #AU #Ffvii #Ff7 #Hojo #Jenova #Final Fantasy 7 #Asks #Writing #Seph the dad #Father of the year #crisis core

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mymelodyisme · 1 year

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😭 SOBBING LOOK AT THIS INSANELY BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK FROM MY GORGEOUS, SKILLED, TALENTED, INTELLIGENT, AND GOTHIC BABE @pavusprince

She is literally such a sweetheart and !!!! Just she’s so kind you guys show her love please she deserves it.

#farmer mys #stardew valley: poochencia farm #look at all the details you guys #SOBS #GO LOOK AT HER FARMER BABIES #I know y’all have seen them before cause obviously I reblogged my wife Seph and her brother Ares #STILL #if you’re into dragon age she’s got some WICKED cool ocs #Solana especially what a spunky child 😭 OH I DIDNT MENTION SHE ALSO WRITES #Sarah wrote this amazing 🤔 is it a fanfic #we’re gonna refer to it as fanfic #Sarah wrote Solana this really cool fanfic and if you’re into the games you’d love it #😭 I 🧎🏽‍♀️🧎🏽‍♀️🧎🏽‍♀️#go flood Sarah with love please she deserves it #SOBS X2 #art for mys!

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calamitysshatteredson · 6 months

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@strifesoldier [From here because Tumblr has been... challenging.]

"I suppose I owe you fair warning about how the interesting lives of First Class SOLDIERs also include desks, offices and reports." He wasn't even attempting to warn the cadet away from any particular thing at that point, Sephiroth was merely being refreshingly honest with a mild amount of amusement in his voice.

Whatever direction Strife might go in, there was at least some assurance that he was intelligent. "It would be preferable to be thought of and treated like--" Ah. Too many things to explain there. Too many that he didn't particularly understand himself, so he defaulted to what he was initially going to say without explanation. "Human beings."

#IC #strifesoldier #CC!Seph #((mmmm this hurts more now that I'm actually writing it down))#lookitmequeue

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prismaticpichu · 6 months

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Baby Seph fic sneak peek! Might be a busy week ahead so prolly won’t be finished for a bit, but glad to have bit into it this weekend!

:3c

~

There was an almost... beautiful glint to it.

Like obsidian, maybe. Sleek and lustrous. Black and alluring. Glassy, too, like a mirror. He watched as his own slitted eyes peered back at him through its reflection.

"Why don't you put it on, my boy? It's for you."

The Professor's smile also seemed to glint. Much differently, though, with a different kind of light. A much different gleam. He held the elliptical object out for him to take, the throbbing glares from the bulbs above winking off His teeth like stones in muddied water.

"What... is it?" the boy asked quietly, just vaguely lifting his chin to face the looming man. The thing, it looked to be some kind of... necklace, but thicker somehow. Much. It didn't look like something you would actually wear--let alone for show or beauty like some of the nurses seemed to flaunt.

But then again, there was his name written across the front, carefully embedded with shiny silver letters that also seemed to glint.

"A gift," was all the Professor said, and His smile widened. Brightened. "Put it on, boy. Around your neck."

He waited a beat.

"Now, boy." His smile was blinding. "Put it on. It's yours, after all."

...His?

He gazed again at his name, at the gleaming silver letters and how they seemed to wink at him. He didn't have many things that were his. Maybe his name... maybe that was his. Maybe. He couldn't think of much else, though.

So, slowly, he took the gift from the Professor's hands, felt the calloused skin brush against his own as he brought the item into his grip.

It was cold.

"Attaboy," the Professor’s smiled dimmed, just a bit. "It should fit you nicely. Put it on."

It was cold; he didn't want to put it around his neck. But the Professor said so. And it was a gift. It was his. He didn't have many things that were his.

So, slowly, he slipped it over his head, letting the cold material ring around his throat. It felt heavy. But it was a gift. It was his. And he didn't have many things that were his.

The Professor looked pleased, the smile still lingering, still bright, an approving nod and hum as his hands fell back to his sides.

"Do you like it, my boy?" The Professor smiled brightly.

He gazed at the floor for a moment, at the Professor's shoes, at his own boots, contemplating an appropriate response. He didn't really like it. It was cold and heavy. But it was also a gift. It was his. And he didn't have many things that were his.

"It's... nice," he mumbled, even though it was cold and heavy and he didn't really know what it was. "Thank you, Pr'fessor."

He felt the Professor's smile on the back of his neck. It almost burned.

"You're most welcome, my boy. I think you'll find this test to be quite beneficial."

The word came too slow. Or maybe he was too slow. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he should have seen it coming. Maybe he should have seen that the Professor had a remote in his hand. Maybe he should have realized that he was standing by the monitors. Maybe he should have realized he was standing in the middle of the lab. Maybe he should have realized he was not dressed in his usual leather attire. Maybe he should have realized there was no such thing as a gift for him. Maybe he should have been smarter. Maybe he should have been stronger.

Sephiroth snapped his head up, thunder clapping in the eight year-old's heart.

"Test?"

And lightning struck.

#sephiroth #ffvii #professor hojo #pichu writing #fic nugget #ff7 #ever crisis #fanfic #baby seph

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forlorngarden · 1 year

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- fire, going out -

as I step outside, the first thing I notice is the smell of spring. I have a theory that spring always smells the same no matter the place. there’s always life and remnants of past lives and a bit of fire - metaphorical and literal too. in my childhood spring meant staring fires in the garden to get rid of old twigs and dry grass, make room for new life. I was always excited for them - fire is always wild, ferocious, even if you try to domesticate it. I was assigned a role of a firekeeper, and came home smelling of smoke for hours. yesterday I was walking down the street in my big, tame city, there was that smell again. there was no fire around, but I smelt it, or maybe it was my mind conjuring up the feeling it considers to always accompany spring.

I think everybody loves spring, even if they say they don’t (guilty!). everybody loves night rainstorms, when you lay in bed and let the sound lull you to sleep. I do, too, of course. there’s the catch, though - every time it rains at night, I get this inexplicable feeling that it’s the last time I’ll ever hear, will ever smell it. it sits heavy, a stone in my lungs, preventing them from expanding and contracting all the way through.

every time I start feeling confident, like I belong, like I have earned my place, like I know something grown people know, it turns around and slaps me on the hands. and then once again I am reminded of all the ways in which I am smaller than I should be. more open, less shaped. a teacher too young, a friend too excitable, a lapdog too needy. I always feel like end up in the same place no matter what I do, like I ran too fast, missed a turn and went straight to the starting line.

every time I say I stopped missing a person, I lie. promise, I don’t want to lie. missing a person is a sickness that has to run it’s course. this one is too deep in the lungs (in the last night rain) and I can’t seem to cough it up. I am bored of it by now. I am scared to get better, but I am bored of you too. I think. I hope. I want to write about spring, bursting. fire, burning.

#se(ra)phic #cracking my ribs open in front of you guys ngl. but i like this thing #from icu by phoebe bridgers and the insulindian phasmid scene in disco elysium and #a wannabe beast i once was and a wannabe angel i now am #ten points to seph for the subtlest de reference also #my writing

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