#selfless to a fault and still thinks he's selfish lol

[thejetblackwings]

So far, what I really want from TCF is to see all of these events up until the Harris village rebuilding from Choi Han's perspective. Cale's take on the opinions of the people around him are so biased that I feel like I barely even know these people lol.

Choi Han: Cale-nim is a really nice person!

Cale: Me? Nice!? I have the worst personality in the entirety of Henituse County *cue Cale feeding and adopting two homeless kids*

Cale: I'm literally the trash of the Henituse family *spends millions to save a baby dragon*

Cale: What bullshit are you spouting? I'm the worst guy ever *saves the capital from a terrorist attack*

Cale: Everything I do is for my own gain *does twenty different favors for a paralyzed man*

Cale: I don't care about anyone else. I only care about living the life of a couch potato *adopts ten orphaned children and builds a village for them*

Choi Han & the entire cast:...

Beacrox:...should we tell him?

Ron: Nah this is funny

I know this has probably been said a hundred times before but I really wanna know what goes on in people's minds as they hear Cale say this shit XD

I cannot wait for the moment when Cale realizes that the people around him LIKE him like a lot lot. Especially Ron. God I can't wait for Cale's surprised Pikachu face when he realizes that Ron adores him. Like genuinely.

#no spoils plz #i adore Cale's brand of obliviousness #hes such a refreshing protagonist #selfless to a fault and still thinks he's selfish lol #my man did not invest any coins in the self-awareness stat #tcf #cale henituse #trash of the count's family

[courtmartialme]

whats your fav thing about rizas personality? like something that makes your brain tingle and might possibly be unseen/ignored by others?

that’s a very mean question anon how am i supposed to choose One favorite thing about my wife :(

there are a few… what comes to mind is her lack of self preservation, her kindness, and how she’s so selfless it may circle back to being selfish. there’s a scene in ishval where riza tells roy what’s happened is her fault for trusting the alchemy to him in the first place but not in an accusing tone. she doesn’t blame the men in her life that abused her trust and thinks she’s the one responsible for everything, even though those men were older and supposed to look for her. it’s kinda frustrating that she never gets openly mad at roy or at her father, but also such a fundamental part of her character too so even though it’s frustrating her acting like that is.. what i would expect from the character that acts like that in other situations too…!!!

despite roy already having broken his promise to her once, she decides to trust him again and to follow him into hell. it’s always emphasized how roy is idealistic to a fault, but riza is too. saying that flame alchemy drives good men insane… she has every reason to hate everyone and everything and to want to see the world burn but she stayed gentle and believes in change…!! where roy has hardened she stayed kind and you can see that in every thing she does… she’s so full of love and kindness and hope..

there’s so much more… how charming and funny she is, saying stupid shit with a straight face. if you look at manga the times riza is the one saying something silly and roy looking at her like 🤨 probably happen more often than the opposite LOL like there’s no way this person gets to hold the shared braincell imo. how she always respects the elrics, despite always acknowledging they’re kids she still respects them as they coworkers, and tells ed about ishval despite not having any obligation to but because she thought he deserved to know…. ah

basically it all comes back to riza being GENTLE and KIND and FULL OF LOVE, everything she says and does comes from that to me. how she has traits that are usually virtues but taken to an extreme become flaws. her being like that is my favorite. so sometimes i see it ignored to make her nagging and mean especially towards roy, even as a joke it annoys me a bit because she’s never like that…

her being like that is why i’m adamant about her being always at the receiving end of love and kisses and etc .. she gives out so much of herself without ever expecting anything in return i think she deserves to have others give to her the same love and devotion and feel responsible for her wellbeing like she does for others. she only sees worth in herself when she’s being useful to others so i think everyone needs to love her until she realizes she’s wrong

TLDR:

#asked #mucho texto #thank you for the ask…!

[karingu]

Chapter 474 made me want InuKag to break up (temporarily)

There's something that always bothered me about this chapter, but I finally have the words to explain what it is. (This is the one with Kaou, the weird sadness eating demon that made Inuyasha have a dream of Kikyo and cry blood and stuff.)

Sigh. I don't agree with how the ending of this chapter was written (sorry, Rumiko). It made me, an InuKagger, feel devastatingly frustrated about InuKag's relationship for the first time... specifically for Kagome's dignity.

Okay, so Inuyasha's thoughts basically got blasted on speakerphone in the previous Ch:

UM, HI? Kagome is RIGHT FUCKIN' THERE. God, at that point, for Kagome's sake, I had had enough of it. I love InuKag, but in this moment, I don't give a frank fuck what Inuyasha has done to prove he loves Kagome, or what he truly thinks — for Kagome to hear that is so. damn. hurtful. And you know those words had hurt her: they echoed in her mind in a later panel. And she cried.

Up until now, Inuyasha had been reaping the benefits of Kagome's patience. But Kagome is HURTING as much as he is, and she keeps choosing not to show him that side of her because she feels sorry for him… GAH!

KAGOME, I LOVE YOU!!! BUT CAN WE? NOT SPOIL INUYASHA TOO MUCH? PLS...

+

I don’t mind that it took a villain like Kaou for Inuyasha to find out how much Kagome was hurting because of him. Pretty gnarly. However, I'm upset that Kagome herself didn’t fully admit to Inuyasha how hurt she got. And she shut up Kaou before he could say that the "cause of her pain"... was Inuyasha.

I get it — her reasons were personal. But I cannot express how FREAKIN' disappointed I still was about that. Let Inuyasha find out, DAMN IT!!!

I know; Kikyo had just passed on. Kagome was trying to be considerate, and Inuyasha's guilt toward Kikyo was probably made raw again — so I'm not faulting him for his feelings at all. Truly, I understand he's having hard time. AT THE SAME TIME, REALISTICALLY SPEAKING, it is clear it was not healthy for him to be in a relationship with Kagome at that point. And likewise for Kagome.

I wanted Kagome to stand up for herself. When Inuyasha told her that he dreamed of Kikyo, I wanted her to tell him something like, "Hey, I know she's on your mind, and that's okay, really, but... I just don't think I can endure it right now."

How would Inuyasha react to that? He’d probably be disquieted, but I think he’d try to accept it.

Yes, I guess it could come off as "selfish," because Inuyasha is grieving and having a hard time. But look... Kagome is hurt. She had been withstanding it all this time... she had been selfless enough. It is not selfish; it’s an act of self-love. She is her own person, no? She's entitled to look out for herself too, regardless of the circumstances.

Strength is also knowing when to retreat.

Instead of this chapter ending on a jokey note, I truly wanted Kagome to put a pause on their relationship. Have a lil’ time-out. Let Inuyasha grieve for Kikyo properly. Let Kagome be free to feel whatever it is for herself, with no strings attached.

Then, they can reconcile later when they're both at a better place.

From a writer's standpoint, WOOWEE that would've been a great cliffhanger. Tune in next week! LOL (Ok tbh Inuyasha prob wouldn’t last more than 3 days or something before he wants to get back with Kagome LMAO… but at least he knows how Kagome truly feels.)

No matter how much I love InuKag, I recognize a bad situation when I see one. I really... wanted Takahashi to make Kagome take a stand for her own well being. Just this once. JUST THIS DAMN ONCE.

It may seem important to put others first… but man, give yourself some love, too, Kagome.

Sorry… maybe I’m getting too carried away. (I’m seeing too much of my past self in her here.) And who knows? Maybe Takahashi didn’t have time for them to break up, or did this to show that Kagome, still a teenager, doesn’t always make perfect decisions. At any rate, I think Kagome's weakness is being too understanding sometimes :(

#kagome #kagome higurashi #inuyasha #inukag #inuyasha x kagome #kagome x inuyasha #inuyasha anime #inuyasha manga #my:posts #my:inumeta

[beevean]

I keep thinking of this interpretation of N!Hector (at the bottom). How, essentially, his growth revolved around his conception of love: how he's at his core a broken, love-starved man who had to learn how to let go out of selflessness.

They make some valid points. So I want to put together why the story still wastes a very intriguing concept and its morals are still disgusting.

Let's take N!Hector purely from this angle. His sloppy writing starts to make sense. N!Hector never warms up to Carmilla, because his last memory of Carmilla is her beating him up after she revealed that her apparent respect was a lie. Dracula is on thin ice: he was the first person who was nice to him, but he lied to N!Hector about his real plans, and most importantly, got convinced that he might have died if Dracula actually succeeded. (still doesn't stop him from wanting to resurrect him)

Lenore is "nice" to him. Lenore not only praised his voice, the strength of his character, etc., but she also has shown that she wants to be with him for no ulterior reason, and that she wants to protect him from mean Carmilla.

So N!Hector is totally fine with her. It's okay that she beat him that one time, because it was his fault (granted, an abused person might think like that...). It's okay that she made a sexual game out of taking him out with a leash: that's just how vampires are, right? It's okay that she used sex and took advantage of his feelings to put a trapping ring on him: it was with good intentions. It was for his sake. It was to protect him.

So, N!Hector falls in love with Lenore because she did everything in her power to keep him in a gilded cage, including resorting to rape by deception. Abuse is love. Selfishness is love. He, too, loves like a vampire, shown by the way he surrounded himself with pets magically compelled to be loyal to him, so the two have the same love languages.

This speaks of a profoundly ill mentality, the byproduct of a lifetime of abuse. It's a delicate topic that should be treated with the utmost respect.

exhibit a: respectful writing that truly gives trauma the gravitas it deserves.

After some more bonding over how similar Lenore and N!Hector are because no one loves them and they're just victims, they're so like each other fr fr, we get to S4E6. In a way, we can see N!Hector's actions here as a mirror to what Lenore has done to him: she used treachery to turn him into a tool and so "keeping him safe", and so he used treachery to cage her and protect her from Isaac destroying the entire life she built with the others. This is mercy for him. This is an act of love. Protect Lenore and stay close to her, but everyone else can die, even if it hurts her. I see the intention, I really do.

But add to this the fact that N!Hector's whole plan was for the sake of resurrecting Dracula, therefore risking another mass slaughter, for no other reason than to feel better about his mistakes, and we're starting to see a problem.

We're near the end of the show, and N!Hector hasn't grown one bit. Not morally, and not emotionally. He still has no empathy. He still loves like a vampire. He still has no self-respect. He went through unimaginable torture, and he's still the "manchild" we were supposed to laugh at in S2 - except now he's marginally cooler, I guess.

(also, is it really "love" if N!Hector genuinely thought N!Isaac would kill him and he accepted it? He didn't plan to stick around, he didn't plan to "keep" Lenore with him. So the point starts to fall apart.)

But then N!Isaac makes a speech to him about agency and the will to live, and a few episodes later, N!Hector has his "magnificent" growth. His sign of maturity is letting Lenore die. Not keeping her close, despite her being the kindest person to him (although I suppose N!Isaac will quickly replace her lol). Letting this woman, both a victim and an abuser, commit suicide on her own terms, the terms he never had, is N!Hector finally learning how to love.

All very nice and wholesome. On paper.

Lenore is forcibly made to be sympathetic in S4, to the point that it becomes blatant lying. Suddenly she has no sexual interest in N!Hector anymore, after all she did to him (and very interesting, that Lenore was only aroused when he was her prisoner - now that he has more freedom and seems to like her as a person, she doesn't care anymore). Suddenly her smug demeanour has vanished, treating him with almost real respect. Suddenly there's more focus on how alone she is, and how she and N!Hector can relate to each other and only have each other in the world. It's disingenuous, and all so that I could pity her, and believe that these two would care for each other, and be touched that N!Hector's big love gesture is allowing Lenore to find freedom from her unnatural existence, while in reality I'm just frustrated that this rapist got to find freedom from the consequences of her actions - she doesn't even feel bad for what she did, "I'm sorry for everything you went through", so much for growing to love him. It's not even framed as him being free of her, but her being free of herself, fuck that guy I guess. Hell, even her phrasing implies that the main reason she sunned herself was that she wasn't willing to live in a cage, even with Hector, basically throwing a tantrum because she didn't have power anymore. I get reading between the lines and connecting that what triggered her suicide was the realization that as a vampire she's inherently doomed to go insane with craving power, but she really painted herself in the worst light.

I can't even say that the show forgot about her previous behavior: it specifically calls out to Lenore "solving Hector's problem", but makes it a joke that is quickly brushed off. We are meant to be endeared at Lenore using sex as a tool of deception. Yeah, silly Lenore, that was awkward I guess. More seriously, Lenore neither had a solid change of heart/realization that she behaved like a monster in the name of her "good intentions", nor is she tragic enough compared to her actions - at most I can understand where part of her behavior is coming from, like her being happy to show her strength by beating N!Hector into the ground, but I don't feel sorry for her. The story had the chance to emphasize her conflict with her vampiric nature, if I was really meant to pity her hopeless existence, but it doesn't take it. So I have no reason to care about her, or think she's a good person for N!Hector. The fact that she is the kindest anyone has ever been to him doesn't mean that she is kind, just that this poor man has been spit on far too much.

And maybe N!Hector really is too broken to understand that being raped is bad. Maybe his abuser choosing to waste time around him feels like a banquet for someone as love starved as he is. But is that how he ends? Still not getting it? Still not feeling anything about the way he has been treated all this life? Is he really completely not conflicted about the two-faced way Lenore treated him?

And what about his relationship with humanity? Is writing a book about his mistakes really the best he can do? N!Isaac realized off screen that he wants to change the world for the better: what is, effectively, N!Hector's change in this aspect? Sure, maybe he won't keep resurrected pets anymore, but after jotting down how much he has fucked up in life, what does he want to do? What was his journey, made of nothing but suffering and mockery and the lesson "you are stupid for trusting", for?

If I am to read N!Hector as a victim of deep abuse, so damaging that he has lost all sorts of empathy, morals and self-worth... what is, then, the story told through him? He doesn't get better. He doesn't even get worse, in the same way Isaac did, for example - I proposed an ending where he snaps and sets the castle on fire as a bookend with his abusive childhood, which would have been tragic, but ofc it didn't happen. The climax of his journey is that he holds no resentment towards a woman who was both kind and cruel to him, and simply chose to forgive all the bad that was done to him without any struggle. He accepted the crumbs and lapped the plate.

The message: forgive the people who hurt you, if they think they are only helping you - in fact, don't even think about it. Not because it's unhealthy to let yourself be consumed by resentment. Because if they hurt you for your own good, then they are good people deep down.

Steven Universe became the internet's laughing stock for far less.

(it's not even that Lenore was his mother, or his long-time wife, someone that could be genuinely hard to distance yourself from if they abuse you. They knew each other for maybe two months.)

I cannot empathize with N!Hector, and I can't even sympathize with him, because this is not a character arc, this is a slop job. I don't think Lenore is so nice because she deigns to speak to him, and I don't think her wanting to protect N!Hector can make up for her disgusting behavior in S3. I have no reason to be happy that N!Hector is "free", because he's in the same position he started from in S2: copped up in a castle, uninterested in getting closer with humankind, alone. And I have no reason to be sad that Lenore killed herself, because the story did a poor job of convincing me that she deserved to be happy with the man she treated like a pet before her character was disingenuously defanged.

I can assure you: Ellis did not have any intention of writing a story about how abuse warps your conception of love. He just liked kicking around a ball in the shape of a character, and then gave him a rushed "good" ending (that still feels bittersweet compared to all others) because of backlash. Trying to see a coherent arc here is like trying to squint to see an image on a magic eye poster, and the effort is not worth it. N!Hector deserved better, and abuse survivors deserve to be represented by characters written with love, not spite.

#Youtube #anti netflixvania #on request of woodchipp who wanted me to publish this draft #i really really really need to put my thoughts on text #even if i feel i'm doing a poor job #and ofc the reason i'm so obsessed with this is #(aside from the fact that i like good writing) #1) the concept is good! it's really good! i love stories that explore the effects of abuse and terrible experiences #2) canon hector is also a victim of abuse. he could be written similarly. except with respect #and i need to understand how *i'd* do it to not make the same mistakes #(also yeah lenore deserved better too. as in not being created by a sexist molester)

[limey-writes]

How would the yandere red mercs deal with their s/o being extremely close to red Spy and Spy being extremely protective over them, maybe hes yandere for their s/o himself? (Ps for red Spy it's the same situation, except his s/o is extremely close to blue spy)

Ooooh, i really like this one, i only do 4 at a time but feel free to submit again for another few! I'll give a bit of love to some mercs i dont use much lol

Tw: yandere, maybe implied de*th/m*rder, etc

Engie

-- Engie didn't think of himself as a jealous man, though no one thinks of that but right now, seeing you so close to that gosh darn snake? He's holding himself back from wringing his neck in front of you. He knows it's not your fault, you can't help being your fantastic self, and people just are selfish trying to steal the light you bless them with. At first, he tried to maybe talk some sense into Spy, the smart move that he thought would work in his favor, he knew how to use his words, and he knew when it was time to possibly put his trusty gunslinger to use. What he wasn't expecting, was a fight back from a Spy who threatened to steal you away from him with sweet words and soon, a dead body. He's furious, of course, walking away with a few shameful new cuts, though still proud of his own fight back, he knew he'd have to instead talk to you. He does everything he can, using sweet words and even trying to guilt you into staying away from Spy. If that works, great! He's happy and dandy with you again! If not, well, he's not above using..drastic measures.

Spy

-- The master of manipulation himself, he knows how to woo you, the ins and outs of things you like and dislike, he's perfected himself to be able to be your perfect match. He was the type to follow you everywhere, even without you knowing, and having once followed you straight to a hang out with his counterpart. Of course he was furious. Were you planning to replace him? Did he trick you onto being with him instead? Did you even know what you were doing?! He couldn't help but be angry, he couldn't help but want to show you exactly where you had fucked up by lying to him. But of course, he was patient, watching how the other Spy looked at you, how he took in your beauty and glorious self, he hated it. He was meant to be the one to take in your glory, not this pathetic waste! So of course, he took things into his own hands, and soon enough, you were waking up in a room in a place you didnt recognize, with your 'friend' sitting in front of you, and your very heartbroken Spy standing behind him with his knife at ready. "Oh mon chere, how you wound me with how selfless you are with your wonderous self.." You were in for a hell of a show.

Demo

-- At first he thought it was fine, he thought he could handle seeing you spending time with the Spy that had been flirting from day one. Unfortunately, it always looked like you were so oblivious to his advances, which he deeply worried about. The lingering hand around your waist, leaning in so close to you, hell, even pressing a kiss to the back of your hand. It was driving him completely mad, he hated seeing how Spy tried to worm his way into your heart where he rightfully belonged. So, being the good man he is, he first confronted you, telling you how bad that Spy was, it's dangerous spending time with someone like Spy! Why not spend more time with your much better Demo? He's always there for you, always making you smile, you couldn't ever think of a time where he hadn't supported you, and even with Spy whispering such honey words into your ear, Demo wouldn't ever lie to you about things like that...right?

Soldier

-- Soldier knew exactly what was going on the second Spy had approached you, and of course, knowing him, he was not quiet about it. Constantly finding ways to get Spy away from you, he even tried rocket jumping away from the French man. He's shouting orders over Spy's silky words to you, shoving him out of the way when he gets too close. Soldier was not one to mess with, and he knew it, he'd constantly do anything to have your attention, becoming practically your personal guard dog. Anywhere you go, he's 5 feet behind, and yes, he will growl if need be, as long as anyone stays the hell away from you. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAGGOT?! TALKING TO THAT FRENCHIE AGAIN?? HE'S COMPLETELY UN-AMERICAN, BUT I'M PURE BLOOD AMERICAN CUPCAKE!" Yes that is an argument he uses and expects you to follow. Whether somehow you try to get out of his grasp to actually spend time with Spy who was smugly shooting looks at the pining soldier, you can sure bet someone's neck is going to be snapped more than a few times.

#tf2 #tf2 yandere #tf2 solder #tf2 demo #tf2 engie #tf2 spy #limey whispers #tf2 imagines #tf2 headcannons #tf2 x reader

[pluviophile-imagines]

The connections people make between Qifrey and Gojo don’t piss me off or anything bc I think they’re kinda natural (like. Every char is gonna be compared to others. Qifrey is a teacher with white hair and a homoerotic bestie and eye-related imagery/plot relevance. Gojo springing to mind makes sense) but I do get why others get annoyed by them bc goofy little “lol medieval gojo” quips r misinterpreting some pretty big aspects of Qifrey’s character. Even on a like….. basic “vibes” level once u meet them both they’re just not the same lmfao

I think what people are really picking up on, more than the aforementioned shallow similarities, is how Qifrey and Gojo are progressives in their respective universes. They’re both disillusioned to their societies’ issues, and both have a desire to enact change—and, in an absence of direct means, work towards doing so through teaching the next generation. That’s why the comparison is brought up as opposed to, say, Aizawa who isn’t shown to have such lofty goals.

But I also do think the comparison is interesting bc where they differ from each other in two specific ways is REALLY fascinating to me.

The first is how they teach. Qifrey is an explicitly paternal figure; he’s warm and very hands-on with teaching the girls, assuring them and doing his best to be there to catch them when they falter. Gojo, in contrast, is NOT what anyone would call a father figure. He’s a mentor, certainly, and he does his best to be there when his students need him (he takes on Megumi after Toji’s death, prevents Yuuji’s execution, etc). Part of this is the age of their respective students (obviously teaching middle schoolers requires a different skill set from teaching high schoolers) and part of this is the nature of the respective societies they’re bringing their students up to participate in (witches are scholars while sorcerers are soldiers)—from a doylist perspective, it also has to do with their respective roles in the story; Gojo is a mentor figure who, by virtue of his sheer power, must be removed from the story for the main character(s) to grow while Qifrey operates as a main character in his own right && a direct parallel/foil to Coco and how she might turn out as an adult—but it’s just as much attributable to who they are as people. Gojo keeps his students at an arm’s length, Qifrey (though still quite secretive and not exactly open) doesn’t.

And the second is their respective fatal flaws, bc they’re direct opposites. Gojo is fundamentally selfless to a fault, to the point where his duty and usefulness as a sorcerer is so wrapped up in his self that he rlly can’t untangle it. Qifrey, meanwhile, is selfish to a fault, and this is explicitly stated in the text—it’s the most volatile aspect of himself, and the part which poses the most danger to the people he cares about (most explicitly Oru & his students as represented by Coco) and even his own desires.

Not only are those differences interesting but on a base level they’d almost seem antithetical to each other (the more paternal mentor is the selfish one, the more hands-off mentor is the selfless one). Yet it makes sense! Qifrey is ruled by emotions more than Gojo is. Part of being “the strongest,” this deified being, means that Gojo pulls away from connection with others—Qifrey as a character doesn’t have to deal with that (in fact it hasn’t been discussed in-canon yet but it’s heavily implied that Oru’s struggles as a prodigy r more analogous to that, resulting in his refusal to officially take on pupils despite a clear enjoyment & proficiency in teaching as shown in his interactions with Qifrey’s students)

N e way. I just think it’s a neat comparison. I don’t think anyone genuinely thinks qifrey and Gojo r that similar JDNDKSND but it’s fun to unpack!

#I REALIZED I FORGOT TO POST THIS YESTERDAY SKDNSKD so u get it now wooo #pattering on the roof #i need a meta tag smfh #but i digress #i almost wish I was well versed enough in naruto to add kakashi to this mix #bc I know gojo gets compared to him a bunch too #but alas I have taste #jkjk it’s just too much of a commitment LMFAOOOO too long for how much interest I have

[spymaster-and-socialite]

Best and worst motivations for both Peggy and Andre. And what you think their best and worst qualities are and why?

(oooh these are both such good questions, thank you!!

i think andre and peggy's best and worst motivations are the exact opposite of each other. andre is at his best when he does things for other people, and at his worst when he's selfish - but peggy is actually at her best when she puts herself first, and makes some of her worst decisions when she forgets to do that and prioritizes other people. neither andre nor peggy are fundamentally selfish or selfless, but andre is better to himself when he's caring about other people, and peggy is better to other people when she cares about herself.

i think andre's worst quality is his tendency toward downward spirals, aka, as soon as he makes one mistake or one thing starts going wrong for him, he freaks out and makes the problem a hundred times worse. andre could have fixed his mistake of leaving peggy in philadelphia with arnold when he first realized he messed up at the end of season 2!! but instead he gets paralyzed by regret and doubt, treats peggy's situation like it's already a lost cause and lets it keep getting worse, AND lets his ~emotional crisis~ drive him to mess around with philomena. i really don't think andre is a bad person or driven by bad motives in season 3 (he's still the same person underneath all the fuckups) but watching him is like holy shit dude, get a grip! he doesn't know how to handle setbacks (likely because up until this point, he's gotten through life pretty easily) and it's a huge problem.

i think peggy's worst qualities are her overconfidence and entitlement, especially in season 2. i think a lot of people misread peggy as naive, but to me, she's not naive at all. at no point was peggy being 'manipulated' by andre - she knew exactly what he was asking of her, and i think it does her character (as well as his) a disservice to assume she was 'blinded by her love for him' and fell for his tricks or whatever lol. peggy knew exactly what she signed up for, BUT her issue is that she signed up to turn arnold because she assumed, without a doubt, that it would WORK. peggy has lived her entire life being told constantly how beautiful she is, having guys fall all over themselves for her and being able to just wave away any suitor she doesn't feel like entertaining... and she is very confident in her own beauty and worth, so she of course feels entitled to these things! obviously andre is at fault here too for also vastly underestimating how pressuring arnold ends up being, but he had never even met him in person. but peggy meets arnold, sees exactly how he is, and decides to forge ahead with the plan anyway. she can't concede failure, especially social failure, and this is how she gets herself in too deep.)

#about peggy #about john andre #social diary #classified information #(ooc)

[never-mess-with-the-uchihas]

Before reading this post, I don't hate Hinata. This post was just made because some Hinata Extremists - who hate Sakura - were filling my inbox with bullshit. So, this is just to annoy those idiots. You don't get to poke me and just get away with it.

HINATA HYUGA:

- Offers Naruto a cream for his wounds(non-existent) - Cuz it's Naruto-kun.

- tries to save Naruto during pain arc - Cuz its Naruto-kun

- tries to save Naruto - fails - Neji dies instead - not her fault though - Cuz its Naruto-kun.

- thinks about Naruto's big and warm hands in front of Neji's dead body - Cuz its Naruto-kun.

- Keeps knitting a scarf for Naruto in the middle of a mission where her sister is kidnapped - Cuz its Naruto-kun.

- Shows more reaction to her scarf being torn-off as compared to when she found our her sister's eyes were torn off- Cuz its Naruto-kun's.

Naruto Fandom : SELFLESS!!! HINATA THE BYAKUGAN PRINCESS !!!!

HARUNO SAKURA:

- Steps infront of Tazuna to protect him with her body (Someone she barely knows)

- Protects Naruto and Sasuke in the Forest of Death without sleeping.

- Gets beaten up to bone to stop the sound Ninjas to hurt Sasuke and Naruto.

- Saves Sasuke from the darkness of Curse seal.

- Steps Infront of Gaara to protect Sasuke - actually manages to stop him.

- Gets herself hit for Idate(Someone she barely knows)

- Tries to save Sasuke from darkness and stop him from leaving the village

- Saves Kankurou's life - where no one else could

- Gets herself stabbed and poisoned to save Chiyo(someone she barely knows) - who in turn saves Gaara.

- Gives antidote to Chiyo despite being poisoned herself

- Defeats Sasori with chiyo

- Says that She will blow off her arms and legs just to get know Orochimaru's whereabouts just to get to Sasuke.

- Tries to save Naruto from Nine Kyuubi consuming him, without worrying about herself.

- Heals Naruto first instead of herself Doesn't tell him that he was the one who hurt her.

- Heals Naruto several times.

- Heals hundreds of injured patients during the pain arc.

- Saves Tami from being attacked by the giant Centipede.

- Always tries to lift up Naruto's spirit despite being down herself. (In case of Sasuke and Tsunade)

- Decides to take the burden of killing Sasuke,the man she loves upon herself, just for Naruto's,Sasuke's, and Konoha's sake. Just to protect them in her own way. Even though she knew she was going to die.

- Let's patients in the medical camp during the war, knowing that they could be the white zetsus... But still can't let go of her kind heart.

- Saves Naruto and literally pumps his heart with her hands.

- Hesitates to Stab Obito's eyes because She knew He had turned good now. She always had a kind heart.

- Can't let go of her love for Sasuke, despite the fact that that he had tried to kill her. Can't let go of her desire to save him.

- Saves and heals hundreds of lives in the battlefield and as well as the medical camp during the war.

- Saves Sasuke from the Desert dimension, with everything she has got.

- Doesn't think about his sexy and Warm body when he catches her. Lol I had to add this 😂😂. Instead worries about Obito to check if he is fine.

- Punches a god. And helps to seal her. And So helps to save the world

- Tries to save Sasuke from being consumed by the darkness again.

- Saves Naruto and Sasuke from bleeding to death, after their final battle in the Valley of the end.

- Saves Naruto's life. Pouring her chakra in him for 3 days.

- Opens a mental clinic for orphans who suffered during war, so that they don't have to go through what Naruto and Sasuke did.

- Defeats Kido who was impersonating Sasuke and committing crimes.

- Defeated Shin and beat him to pulp for looking at her family - two times!

- Oh! Saved Hinata Princess's life multiple times!!!!!

- Oh! She also saved Karin's life.

(And I haven't even listed all her achievements)

Naruto Fandom: USELESS SELFISH BITCH !!! SHE IS SO SELF CENTERED!!!! HER ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS AROUND JUST ONE BOY!!!!! SHE SHOULD HAVE DIED IN THE 3RD CHAPTER OF NARUTO!!! NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!

Me:

#sakura haruno #pro sakura haruno #haruno sakura #pro haruno sakura #sasusaku #narusaku #pro sasusaku #pro narusaku #narusasusaku #pro narusasusaku #anti hinata fandom #anti hinata hyuga #anti hinata #uchiha sasuke #uzumaki naruto #naruto uzumaki #team 7 #anti hinata extremist

[highqueenofelfhame]

Hi I saw your post about fics being in character and I thought this could be a good opportunity to share some insight to help people who struggle with their characterization. I love your writing and ask could you share some traits you see as 'core' Rowan and Aelin traits? Maybe more valuably, would you be open to sharing your process for what you look for in the text when understanding characters, what stands out to you and what you make sure to include vs what you don't? I understand if this isn't something you want to share and I send this ask with good intentions and respect and hope this can start a productive discussion, no drama. Thanks :))

totally okay that you asked this!!

i think part of it is that i have read everything up to EoS so many times. like at least four times each and i've read heir of fire and queen of shadows probably six times each. i've only read kingdom of ash once bc it's still too painful to read again lmaoooo.

when i write i also always look for any chance i can to make parallels. i love making canon parallels to anything from small moments to bigger ones that are more recognizable. like the rowaelin qos reunion, rowan's "where is my wife" moment. rowan and aelin sparring in any capacity, like, anything like that. because i think that helps when you're pulling from the text and putting them into situations where you know how they interact with them, and it makes it easier to add in bits and pieces before and after. if that makes any kind of sense. (this also goes for legit any ship that i write. nessian, feysand, etc. pulling from the text and putting them in familiar situations will always help.)

as far as traits go, one of my major ones that i always try to keep in mind is rowaelin's loyalty to each other. rowan is like loyal to aelin almost to a fault sometimes. he will do anything and everything for her. when it comes that's why their thing is "to whatever end." they will follow each other to whatever end and beyond.

aelin has a very low opinion of herself. she thinks that she's expendable compared to those around her. she is very depressed sometimes and i think it gets overlooked a lot. (when i get my books back from my sister, i plan on doing a meta about this.) but she's been through a lot in her life and i try to keep that in mind in a lot of au's. some au's that are heavier (like iihasts and fafs) i try to pull on that. her mental health is very important to a lot of the way she handles things. post KOA, i know this girl has PTSD. it's evident in the way she handles a lot and takes a long time to warm back up to rowan in kingdom of ash. but she was tortured and manipulated for months. she's not okay.

people (in the books) also call her selfish A LOT but most of what she does she does for other people. she even spared dorian the weight of killing his father and told him she did it. like, come on.

as celaena, she does lean on the more selfish side, but as aelin she's doing everything she does for the greater good of the entire world. she didn't forge that lock for herself. she forged that lock for a better tomorrow for everyone she loved. which is incredibly selfless. she would also completely throw down to keep her loved ones safe.

the arrogant behavior is such an act. she's not really like that, it's a cover to hide everything she's truly feeling inside, to protect herself, to keep people from truly getting to know her. she can flip her personality to better suit the situation and the people she's around. she's mostly only her true self around aedion, lysandra, and rowan. i don't even think she really reveals herself to the rest of the cadre for probably a very long time. she picks fights when she's hurting the most and rowan is really the first person to see and recognize that. (very evident in hof when she sees what a good person gallan appears to be and goes and picks a bar fight immediately. or when arobynn humiliates her and she wears her nicest jewels to try to intentionally get robbed so she can start a fight.)

the reality is that she's an insanely hard worker, she keeps going and going and going to meet to meet her goals. she's a master strategist and very quick on her feet in any situation she finds herself in. she feels isolated (which goes back to her depression and ptsd) and she feels misunderstood. but she has been known to literally give the cloak off her back (with kaltain) and the money in her pocket (with yrene) and doesn't expect anything in return. literally nothing in return. she just did it out of the goodness of her own heart, yet she's constantly filled with self doubt that she's a bad person because people tell her that she is (chaol literally calls her a monster and she holds onto that and ends up asking rowan if she is one.)

she gives a lot of forgiveness and second chances, except to abusers. she pulls no punches with them. yet even with arboynn, she made sure there were no redeeming qualities left before letting lysandra kill him. instead of seeing it as a victory, though, she just felt hollow. she doesn't take joy in killing these people. she is not a bad person.

she feels a lot of guilt when she feels she could have stopped things. i think she carries those moments with her. which is why she helped those people the king wanted dead to escape in com. she has no problem ending people that deserve the punishment, but when they don't, she does what she can to help them.

rowan is so respectful. he finally gets his mate and his wife and his love back and he's consistently giving her the space she requires when it's so hard for him to not just touch her. he puts his own needs aside consistently based on what aelin needs.

he's a complete and total hardass to other people but is so soft for her. but he's also territorial about her. he's protective of her. but never at the cost of what she needs and wants. however, he will put his foot down and make people swallow their own tongues if they're disrespectful toward her. but he's also respectful toward everyone, not just aelin. he can prove his points without physical violence even if he would want to.

in that same vein, if you're doing enemies to lovers, he doesn't understand her at first. he think's she's spoiled and doesn't have a single clue about the trauma she's been through and he's very hard on her. he treats her like another warrior in their training. he doesn't go easy on her just because she's a woman (which also still comes from a place of respect) but the second he finds out about her trauma the way he treats her shifts. he becomes protective because he doesn't put up with that kind of shit. he isn't torturing her in their training, in fact aelin in hof says that he's brilliant even if he beats the shit out of her every damn day. a lot of people try to twist that into a thing of abuse, but again, he's training her like a warrior. he doesn't coddle her and she doesn't want to be coddled. again, this comes from a place of respect.

he also learns from his mistakes and tries to right them, and takes action to better himself from it as soon as he can. this is important. he has the humility to apologize, whether it be by actions or words. he doesn't ask for credit in the things he does and ends up kind of making jokes about it. i think he has a lot of humility at the end of the day. he is quick to forgive others when it's deserved but has a lot of trouble forgiving himself. this is also important.

but rowan also has a playful side with aelin. they have witty banter that they exchange even when they're not totally on board with the other. he's funny in subtle ways, and toward the end of the series we see that he's so wholly comfortable with her that he even gets a little silly.

after his own trauma, he also falls into a very deep depression. for centuries. it took aelin coming along for him to come back out of his shell. everyone gave up on him, but aelin never did. just like he never gave up on her, and they were able to walk out of that darkness together. i also think he feels a lot of guilt when innocent lives get put in danger and risk or die at his hands when he felt he could have stop it, much like aelin.

rowan is also very calm in most situations. he's able to work out solutions like the warrior that he is even when other people are losing their minds, which makes him a very good soldier and eventually king.

i could keep going but this is getting wildly long lol. i hope this helps even a little. thank you to @westofmoon @whimsicallyreading @punkassbookjockey26 for helping me with my thoughts as i'm still exhausted from surgery and healing.

#characterization #rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #tog #throne of glass

[makeste]

is it too late now to say sorry

anon I agree with almost all of this for the most part, but if you don’t mind I would like to come to Kacchan’s defense here a little bit. while he absolutely does need to apologize to Izuku, there are reasons why he hasn’t done so yet which boil down to a lot more than simply “he’s still a dick.”

anyway, so for my next trick, I will take the thesis statement of “Kacchan is afraid to apologize to Deku for both selfish and unselfish reasons, and Deku doesn’t realize how much he needs to hear the apology because he pays no attention to his own needs”, and somehow transform that into a 3500 word rant lol.

first of all, I’ve said this before, but on the topic of whether or not Katsuki actually needs to apologize to Deku at all, my answer is an emphatic “yes.” is it necessary in order for him to earn Deku’s forgiveness? no. in fact I’m pretty sure Deku has already forgiven him. because that kid doesn’t have a petty bone in his body (not that wanting an apology from your friend who basically turned on you and made your life miserable for ten years and told you to go kill yourself is in any way petty at all), and because he has staunchly held on to what he could of their relationship throughout that entire time, hoping that one day they could somehow be friends again. Kacchan never stopped being “Kacchan” to him. Deku never stopped caring about him. and that goes beyond him simply being a good person; there’s also just an attachment there, for lack of a better word, that he is simply unwilling to give up. their friendship is that important to him. Kacchan is that important to him.

but just because Katsuki is almost guaranteed forgiveness from Izuku doesn’t mean the apology isn’t still owed. putting aside that it’s really the least he could do, I think an apology is also necessary in order for their friendship to ever move past the level it’s currently stuck at, for one simple reason: Izuku doesn’t actually know that Katsuki cares.

more specifically, he doesn’t know that Katsuki actually cares about him. because Katsuki, for various reasons which I’ll get to momentarily, has done such a spectacular job of hiding this fact that he even fooled a lot of us for a very long time. before chapter 284 came along, there was hardly any evidence at all that Katsuki actually cared about Izuku as a person beyond just the requisite, bare minimum level of “well I don’t actually want you to die or anything, because I’m not a complete shithead.”

because he hides it. and he hides it on purpose, which is a mind-blowing revelation I’m still only just starting to wrap my head around. it’s an act. all of his continued hostility toward Izuku since the Endeavor internship arc -- and possibly going even further back than that; possibly going all the way back to their second Ground Beta fight -- has been an act. here he is, continuing to bitch at him at every turn and basically doing everything he can to remind Izuku that They Are Rivals And Nothing More, and he has played that role so perfectly that hardly anyone suspected what was actually going on.

he cares about Izuku. not just subconsciously on a level where he’s in denial about it, but to a fully conscious and aware degree. he’s dedicated himself to helping Izuku as his way of trying to make amends. that’s a decision he consciously made, something he’s given a lot of thought to. he worries about Izuku. he worries about his selflessness and his recklessness and that one day he’ll take it too far and it will go terribly wrong. he worries about One For All and All For One, and about the legacy his friend has inherited that’s so much bigger than him, and which he knows Izuku won’t hesitate to sacrifice himself for if it ever comes to that. he worries. he cares.

and Izuku does not know this. and he deserves to know this. and that’s why the apology is so important. not because it’s a magic sentence that will miraculously restore the ten years of friendship and trust that was lost between them, or heal the ten years of pain and misery that Izuku went through alone and friendless, because nothing can ever restore or heal that. as a gesture, an apology is nice, but it’s also fairly useless, at least on its own. it’s meaningless without action to support it, and rather pales in significance when held up against the LITERAL DECADE of misery that it’s trying to make up for.

but the reason it’s still so, so important in spite of all this is because Izuku doesn’t know that Katsuki cares about him. he doesn’t know that their friendship isn’t just one-sided. he does know that Katsuki is a good person, and that he has a good core beneath his prickly exterior. and he’s more adept than most people at seeing past Katsuki’s outer shell of bullshit and understanding what lies beneath. but he has a blind spot, and that blind spot is himself.

he hasn’t made the connection between “Kacchan is a good person who cares about other people and is trying to do the right thing” to “Kacchan cares about me.” because Kacchan has been diligent in making sure that every time Izuku does start to make that connection, that he shoots it back down and disproves it as vehemently as he can.

which, just to be clear, is actually a huge load of bull, as we now know. huh.

but anyway. the point is that Katsuki is still hiding this part of himself from Izuku. the fact that he actually cares. the fact that their friendship is reciprocated on a level that goes beyond just rivalry and shared secrets and a mutual admiration for All Might. Izuku doesn’t know yet how much Katsuki cares about him, and he deserves to know.

and that’s why the apology is important. not because the words themselves are important, but because he deserves to know that Katsuki is sorry. he deserves to know that Katsuki cares about him. he deserves to know that he’s valued, that Katsuki sees him as someone who has value. he deserves that. and that, more than anything else, is why the apology is needed, and why it’s important for him to actually hear those words. because Katsuki was spot on when he said that Izuku doesn’t see himself in the way that he should, and I think he needs this to help him understand a little better just how much value he actually has.

so that’s part one of my rant! and now we move on to part two, which can basically be summarized as “okay but then WHY has Katsuki not just FUCKING APOLOGIZED TO HIM ALREADY.” because yeah, though. at the end of the day, this is all on him. and he does care, and he is sorry. so then what is still holding him back??

and that... is complicated. and it basically boils down to four things.

1. it’s insufficient.

ten years. all the way back to when they were four years old and Izuku first learned that he didn’t have a quirk. ten years of Katsuki bullying him and distancing himself from him. ten years of pain and isolation and unhappiness that Izuku absolutely did not deserve.

and yes, it ultimately stemmed from a misunderstanding, but that doesn’t make it right in the least. there’s absolutely no justification for it. Katsuki knew that it was wrong and he acted like that nonetheless. and anyone who says that Izuku in any way brought it on himself, that it’s in any way his fault or that he invited it on himself by not leaving Katsuki alone -- you can miss me with that, tbh. he was a child and he was lonely and confused and didn’t understand why his best friend had suddenly turned his back on him. this was the most vulnerable period in his life, and the person who should have had his back ended up being the person who made it even worse for him instead. and even after Izuku grew out of the so-called stalking and actually did mind his own business, and just admired Katsuki from a distance -- that still wasn’t enough to appease Katsuki either. even just the mere mention of Izuku wanting to go to U.A. was enough to set him off worse than ever before. that was absolutely not Izuku’s fault in any way, and I’m positive that even Katsuki himself would agree. Katsuki was terrible. I can’t emphasize enough just how terrible he was.

so yeah. ten years of that. and now Katsuki finally realizes just how awful it was. and he’s sorry! and he regrets it, a lot, and he wants to atone for it.

but now here’s problem number one: when you put it up in comparison to ALL OF THAT, an apology just feels overwhelmingly inadequate. almost laughably so. and Katsuki may be a bit emotionally dense (although perhaps less so than we always thought), but he’s sharp enough to realize this much, at least. it’s almost pathetic to simply try saying “I’m sorry” after all of that, and expect it to mean anything at all. it’s not enough. it’s so much not enough that I imagine he must almost feel helpless just imagining it. the weight of everything he’s done is so much, and an apology isn’t enough to undo any of it. it’s not even close.

Katsuki isn’t someone who backs down from things easily, but the sheer scale of the mistakes he’s trying to grapple with now is enough to give just about anyone pause. how do you even begin to address something like that? how can you even begin to make up for it? and Katsuki isn’t stupid, and I have to imagine that everything he saw during that first week of interning with Endeavor only cemented this for him. an apology simply isn’t enough. not for something like this.

2. it’s unfamiliar.

reason number two! and this one is a bit selfish on his part, yeah. but Katsuki is still just a kid too. and his falling out with Izuku didn’t only have a negative impact on Izuku; it hurt Katsuki as well. he lost that friendship too. he thought Izuku was looking down on him, and I’m certain that hurt him a lot more than he ever let on. if you trust someone and care about them only to have them turn on you like that (even though he got it wrong and it was ultimately all just in his head) -- that hurts. it’s not a coincidence that he became closed off and mean afterwards, and that even now he’s resistant to letting other people get close to him. for all that it was more or less self-inflicted, it still had a huge impact.

but now he’s learned that Izuku was never looking down on him at all and that he had it wrong this whole time. and as a result, he’s gotten this chance now to try and rebuild the childhood friendship that he almost destroyed. and make no mistake, this is something he wants too. it’s not just Izuku who’s grateful to have this chance to have normal interactions with the other again. this is something both of them value, and Katsuki doesn’t want to ruin it this time.

so he’s picking up where he left off! only the thing is, this involves him reverting to a blueprint that hasn’t been updated since the two of them were four years old, lol. “normal” for them is him being a bossy little snot, and Izuku happily shrugging it off with all of his limitless nerdy enthusiasm as they go about their various misadventures together. it’s a script that hasn’t changed since they were children, and one they’re both still more than content to use, but it is an outdated script nonetheless. Katsuki is playing the role that Izuku expects him to play. and it’s not like he’s being dishonest or anything like that, because that’s still him; he’s still his same old short-tempered, argumentative self, and it’s not like his personality has done a complete 180 or anything like that.

but at the same time, there’s a calmer side to him now which he is deliberately keeping hidden from Izuku because it’s off-script for them. it’s unfamiliar ground. with Izuku, he’s always been this Kacchan:

and again, it’s not like he isn’t actually that person, especially when it comes to his old rival. but at the same time, there’s another side to him that he rarely if ever lets Izuku in particular see. Izuku never sees the quiet Kacchan who avoids other people’s eyes while he fiddles with his water bottle and calmly asks questions about the OFA successors. Izuku never sees the insightful Kacchan who opens up about his own regrets and weaknesses. there’s a level of emotional intimacy, for lack of a better term, that Katsuki has been unwilling to let them cross into. and if I had to guess why, my guess would be that it’s because Katsuki is afraid that changing up the formula now will lead to unfamiliar territory which may or may not end up completely upending their relationship just as it’s starting to grow into something actually solid again.

which brings me to reason #3!

3. he’s afraid.

Katsuki already experienced what it was like to fall out with Izuku. and again, for all that he was the cause of it, and that Izuku had it much, much worse, that doesn’t change the fact that it was a pretty terrible experience for him as well.

and look, we know Katsuki is afraid of losing Izuku. that’s confirmed canon now. he actually admitted that he was worried about Izuku, and that Izuku’s tendency to recklessly disregard his own wellbeing unsettled him and made him want to keep his distance. and he sacrificed himself to save Izuku’s life!! and did it automatically, unthinkingly, because the decision-making on his part was so fast it didn’t even register. that’s how much he cares. enough that his desire to protect Izuku now ranks higher than his own self-preservation.

and when something is that important to you, you will fight not to lose it. and Katsuki does not want to lose this. Izuku is important to him. by extension that means their friendship is important to him. and he wants to preserve that.

and the thing is, the apology is an obstacle to that. and he knows it. he knows he has to face it at some point, because he can’t atone without it. he has to take responsibility for what he did. he can’t keep running away from it forever.

but he also knows the potential consequences. he knows that apologies don’t always end in reconciliation. he knows falling-outs don’t always have a happy ending. he knows that forgiveness isn’t automatic, and that years of pain don’t just disappear just like that. and he recently got to see firsthand one possible way how it might all turn out.

he knows Izuku doesn’t have to forgive him. he knows Izuku might not forgive him. and he knows that he probably doesn’t deserve Izuku’s forgiveness, and that ultimately he does not have a say in the matter one way or the other. it’s Izuku’s choice, at the end of the day, and whatever he chooses Katsuki is going to have to accept it.

but you can know all of that, and accept the fact that you’re going to have to take responsibility, and yet still be afraid to face it. and yes, maybe it’s selfish of him to feel that way. but that selfishness is also human. it’s human to fear rejection, and it’s human to go through the various stages of trying to postpone having to face that. Katsuki is a brave kid, but he is just a kid, still. and this is going to be very hard for him to do. that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still have to be done. but I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy for the situation he’s currently in.

and there is also one last reason why I think he’s putting it off as well, and it just so happens that this reason actually isn’t selfish at all.

4. he doesn’t want false forgiveness.

and this one is ironically kind of at odds with reason #3! Katsuki fears the possibility of Izuku not forgiving him... but at the same time, I think that strangely enough, there’s also a part of him that fears being forgiven, just like that. easily and gladly and unconditionally, with the trademark selflessness that defines so many of Izuku’s other decisions.

“he just... deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?”

Izuku rarely if ever takes himself into consideration, and Katsuki knows this. he’s selfless to a fault, and Katsuki knows this. and so if Katsuki were to come up to him and apologize, there’s the possibility that yes, Izuku might decide not forgive him. he might in fact be all “nah, you know what, fuck you,” as would certainly be within his rights.

but this is a very remote possibility, and we all know it. and Katsuki knows it too, I think. because that’s not who Izuku is. he puts other people’s welfare above his own, every time. and so if Katsuki were to break down and tell Izuku that he was sorry, and if he were to ask him for forgiveness, nine times out of ten that is something that Izuku grants instantly. this is the same kid who put his own life at risk to try and save Katsuki less than an hour after Katsuki told him to dive off a roof. Izuku’s instinct is to protect and save. and so if he sees that Katsuki is hurting; if he sees that Katsuki feels guilty for what he’s done and that it’s eating away at him in much the same way as when he was blaming himself for Kamino -- he is going to do what he always does. he is going to try and save him.

and he would do that even if it meant shoving down his own pain. he absolutely would. he would prioritize Katsuki’s feelings over his own. and if he did still feel any lingering resentment at how cruelly he was treated, he would still put it aside if need be. and he would forgive him.

in other words, the risk exists that Izuku might grant Katsuki forgiveness that he doesn’t actually feel. if Katsuki is granted Izuku’s forgiveness, he doesn’t have any way to actually tell for sure if it’s real. there would be that element of doubt there, that question of whether or not it’s really sincere. and something like that could ultimately poison their relationship, if things were allowed to play out that way. it would prevent them from being fully able to trust each other. ultimately, it might lead to them drifting apart again, and something like that might ultimately be even more painful than Izuku rejecting Katsuki’s apology outright. and there’s also an argument to be made that Izuku doesn’t deserve to be put on the spot like that, and forced to make that decision one way or the other when he might not be ready to yet. so there’s that to consider as well.

so yeah. four reasons why Katsuki has not apologized to Izuku yet. and they are good reasons, in my book. complicated reasons, too. but none of that changes the fact that at the end of the day this is still something he has to do. his current way of trying to atone through action is great, don’t get me wrong! and it’s necessary too for sure, because like I said, the apology just on its own is never going to be enough. he needs to commit to doing the right thing, and trying his best to make it right between them from here on out. and saving his life is certainly a decent start! but you still gotta say the words too eventually bro.

but there is just a ton of stuff at play here and I find it all fascinating tbh. they are just so, so bad at communicating with each other. and the thing is, they both actually want the same thing! but they want it so badly that ironically it’s almost holding them back right now, because they don’t want to put it at risk. but ultimately this is a leap of faith that Katsuki in particular is going to have to take sooner rather than later in order to finally restore that last bit of trust between the two of them.

so yeah. just two stupid teenage boys who fail at emotions, and who are probably overdue for another of their famous Get It All Out In The Open stupid shounen therapy battles lmao. round 3, featuring Deku’s new robot arms vs Katsuki and his shiny new “like father like son” All Might torso scar. sob.

#bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #bakugou meta #deku meta #bnha meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #asks #anon asks

[seostudios]

extraordinary

SEOSTUDIOS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

synopsis. after the king went missing, y/n embarks on a journey to save her father from the kingdom's greatest secret, the fallen prince, who has locked him in his mother’s castle. trading herself in for her father's release, she soon realizes the supposed blood-sucking creature is just an arrogant prince and makes her mission to draw the cold-hearted boy out of his isolation.

pairing. kim doyoung x fem!reader

genre. romance, fantasy, angst, smut

info. prince!doyoung, vampire!doyoung, princess!reader, beauty-and-the-beast!au (with a twist), non-idol!au, medieval!au, prince!ex!jaehyun, brother!jaemin

warnings. mentions of blood and arranged marriage, alcohol, explicit language, unprotected sex, bondage, a really bad sex scene ugh

wc. 5.2k

an. hi happy halloween! i promised ‘angel’ for my halloween special but i feel like wizards were boring for halloween (no hate) but a beauty and the beast au with a vampire twist sounded sexy.. so i hope you enjoyed this romance au there a smut scene but i’m not proud since i have to pee rlly badly and wrote this in a rush (LOL) i hope the cover tricked u! it’s supposed to give a ‘blank’ theme... yk anyways ill try writing more tysm bye i love you all think of this as a halloween special + 700 special mwhamwah

The long curtain that draped over your bay windows had the same orange hue to the morning light, every morning a perfect sunrise. Reminding you of the sleepless nights spent just to get a view of the sun as it illuminated the blue as if it were igniting the most miraculous flame. Throwing the large duvet that once covered your canvas, you quietly tip-toe out of your shared bedroom with fiance and future king, Jaehyun, not trying to wake him yet.

By the time you're finished looking presentable to the outside world, you make your way down towards the kitchen. There was only a week before the wedding, so the castle was a little hectic. Seeing the tailor and his assistance run in an out the front gates, the chefs coming from far and wide to bake you the most flavoursome cake out there. The wedding was a big deal. I mean between merging kingdoms and scoring the most eligible bachelor in the land... It was huge! Jaehyun was known in his kingdom for his selfless actions, but elsewhere, it was his dashing looks. Although he still hasn't managed to swoop in and steal your heart, you had no choice but to let him believe he did so for the sake of your future.

"Princess!" The chef Johnny calls. He noticed you wandering out of your suite after using the restroom and just had to get some small talk done and possibly put in a good word for his close friend about to seal the deal with you. "Oh! Hey Johnny," You greet, flashing him a toothy grin. "It's almost the big day..." He exclaimed. Wow, he seems more excited than me, you think to yourself. "Right. I'm nervous," You confess, your frown now replacing the award-winning smile. Which didn't go unnoticed by Johnny. His eyes, which were once trained on you, shoot up to look behind your shoulder. "Speak of the devil!" He shouted, shooting you a couple glances before running over to Jaehyun, who has just woken up.

Now at the dining table, you and Jaehyun sit accompanied by his parents. "So, Y/N" His mother starts in attempts to spark a conversation. You shot your head up to listen in on what she has to say, "Did you know Jaehyun has an older brother? Doyoung." Silence. You all sat in an awkward stillness, glances between Jaehyun and his father, worried. "No, I didn't. Is he coming to breakfast?" Her cheerful demeanour was quick to shapeshift into a dejected expression. "He moved to Paris to expand his corporation." The hidden truth was that he didn't move at all. He was banished. This tall tale is told all over the lands, but it was just a tall tale about the prince, was it not?

Once upon a time, there lived a dashing prince. His name was Doyoung. Despite having all the money and power in the kingdom, it still felt like there was nothing left for him there if he still lingered in his younger brother's shadow. So the prince ventured off, hoping to find someone who'd appreciate him for himself. That's when he met the great sorcerer, Minyeon, known by only the wicked. She was a sly witch, moving only on the outskirts of the lands. Aching to pounce on any punk in the vicinity. Therefore when she noticed the prince and came to realize his selfish needs, she casts a spell. "You're stuck like this until you find peace eternally. Is being a greedy spoilt brat all you need to be a prince? Maybe you should be more like Jaehyun."  Those were her last words before disappearing into the woods. Doyoung quickly ran back home. Calling every wizard in town to inspect him. He was now cursed to live life as a blood-sucking monster unless he finds this peace. "You know we can't." His mother started. Doyoung's heart tore, hearing the crack in her voice. "I... I know Mother. I'll be quick." He said before finished packing the briefcase full of necessities. "I have a castle." She spits out, handing him a map. "Stay there. I will visit as much as I can," And it was the truth. She visited for the first few months until he started to change. The violent evil nature of a pure vampire, taking its place in Doyoung. That was no longer her son, and she couldn't risk venturing far to walk right into her death. 

And that was Doyoung’s story.

It's been about three years since the incident, and villagers still ponder on whether it's fiction or not, but with the heartbreaking look on Jaehyun's mother's face this morning, I think you got your answer. Acknowledging the elephant in the room, you and your future mother-in-law finish up and head into the fitting room with the tailor, leaving Jaehyun with his father. "He knows-" Jaehyun started, quickly being cut off by his father. "That's why we limited guests on such short notice and doubled the guards. He won't be able to get in." He affirmed before the sound of the chair screeching slowly, and someone sitting was heard. The two look down towards the end of the table. "I won't be able to what?" Doyoung said, throwing his feet on the table. 

死

"I really do think you look magnificent." The designer, Taeyong, chirped adjusting your corset. "Taeyong honey, don't you think that's a little tight? Y/N looks like she's turning blue." Jaehyun's mother jokes. Ever since you've departed from the boys at breakfast, she's been jumpy. Was she expecting someone? "Alright, here we go! Go take a look, princess." Nodding, you make your way to the large mirror. "Oh my! I love it! Thank you so much!" Doing a little twirl, as Jaehyun's mother cheers, showering you in compliments.

“So.. Y/N darling... How are things with Jaehyun?” She asked helping you undress after Taeyong exited. “What do you mean?” You asked curious, what could she mean? “You know this isn’t exactly a love marriage...” She hears a sigh from you. “I mean I like him!” Making sure you let her know that first, you turn away from the mirror to face her, “But not like that, he’s a good friend... Nothing more.” The confession left the still room feel like a ghost town. Jaehyun’s mother hands you a heartwarming smile, assuring you it’s okay. “You know, I think you’d be fit with my eldest son, Doyoung.” Smiling to herself she takes a loose strand of hair and places it behind your hair. “A-Are the rumo-” She nods. They were true, he really was a vampire. “May I ask where he is? Do you visit? How is he? Does he look like the vampires from the books?” All your questions erupt at once, causing her to burst into a fit of laughter. “Well where do I start?!” She says more to herself. “He’s in a castle, past the river banks and through the woods. Safe, hopefully. He’s also quite charming-” 

A knock at the door, grabs both of your attention. "Come in," You said, but something was off. An uneasy feeling turns in the pit of your stomach as the doorknob unwinds to reveal Jaehyun. "You can't be in here! Shoo!" His mother scolded, but Jaehyun raised his hand to silence her. "Y/N, your father."

“He’s what?!” You shout. “Been abducted? By who? He’s on everyone’s good side.” You state clearly. “It’s not his fault. It’s our fault.” He confessed, looking down at the marble tiles of the hushed room. “My brother, Doyoung. Took him.” A gasp is heard from his mother as her hand goes to rest on her chest to feel her heart. “Is Doyoung here?!” She asked. He shook his head. “He showed up and told Dad and I the news but left afterwards. He told me to pass the news over to you.” Jaehyun began to massage his temples, this was really getting to him. “He wants you to meet him at his castle to - discuss - your father's return to his kingdom.” And in a blink of an eye you were gone. Jaehyun’s mother didn’t give you exact directions but you could find out where his castle is. “What are you doing!? Stop her!!” His mother cries, “She doesn’t know what she’s heading into!” Before she was able to run out to you, Jaehyun stops her in her tracks. “This is not our battle, Mother.”

Running into your barn, You mounted Ivy, about to venture off possibly to your death. You were determined though, no matter what; you need your father back. Not for you but for the sake of your kingdom. “Come on girl, we’re gonna save Papa.” Ivy was originally a horse for the knights but it seemed like the two of you had more of a sibling bond than you and your younger brother, Jaemin... Not that you guys hated each other! The river banks were a easy to trot by, the boat passengers and fishers greeting you, and the woods wasn’t as dark and ominous as Jaehyun’s mom put it to sound like. 

There you were. Past the river banks, through the woods and you were led to the front gates of Doyoung’s castle. The castle was more ancient than any bone left in soil. The stone pathway pitted and scarred, looking up you notice it's tall walls, trees surrounded the castle. The large pillars, narrow, round towers dominate the skyline of this massive castle and are connected by enormous, firm walls made of cobblestone. Spooky was an understatement. You dismount Ivy and tie her loosely to an old log. “Stay here girl, I’ll be back with Papa.” Pushing the rusted gates open you throw your cloak over top your head and run towards the large wooden doors. Letting yourself in you examine the large foyer of the castle, it was much smaller than yours back home but the presence it held was bigger than any king to have walked the lands. Your breathing is rapid and shallow, you can feel your pulse pounding in your temples as you cautiously walked up the steps. "Doyoung?" You call out. A muscle twitches involuntarily at the corner of your right eye, after seeing a shadow swiftly move. He knows you're here. "I'm not scared of you." You spoke tenderly, moreso to convince yourself you weren't. Looking down the narrow hallway someone stands, before you were able to walk towards the figure he heads into a door. Now on a wild goose chase after Doyoung you reach a grand hall full of chambers, a dungeon. “Let me out you bastard!” An infuriated voice shouts. It’s your father. “Papa?! Where are you?” You cry running around the zigzag chamber. “Y/N? Over here Y/N!” He shouts once more, why were you here? 

There he was, there they were. Your father was on his knees, gripping the bars calling out for you, but beside him standing tall, he was a slender and well built man with pretty, unturned lip. His pale skin sparkled in the moonlight, his dark eyes matching the night sky above perfectly. Doyoung. Although your heart picked up at his astonishing facial features, you were enraged on why he would abduct your poor father. “Let him go at once!” You demand. He kisses his teeth and dangles a pair of keys above your head. “Only if you stay.” 

“I’ll be fine Papa.” You assure your father at the front gates of the castle. “Take Ivy and head home. I’ll be okay.” You embrace him once more, “But the wedding?!” Your eyebrows furrow. “It’s cancelled, why don’t you get Jaemin to merge with Jaehyun’s little sister, she just came of age and she’s arriving from Thailand tomorrow.” And thus the decision was made. You were now a resident at Doyoung’s, and your wedding was cancelled.

Sitting on the last step of the spiral staircase you watch Doyoung pace around the foyer, speaking to someone in a room. Didn’t he live alone? Getting up to explore the castle you were stopped by Doyoung, he’s quick on his toes. “Let me bring you to your room.” He said, his hand reaching out to you. Charming Slapping his hand you walk past him up the stairs towards whatever room you would make out to be your own. He trails behind you, “Feisty, I-” “I was talking to your mother about you earlier. I’m not dumb, I know it all.” Your began, opening a room door. “I want this room.” You demand, even if you showed him your stubborn side a little, it was fine. He did kidnap your father. Doyoung hums “Okay. Dinner in five” He chimed, before heading back down. The rest of the night was nothing out of the ordinary, other than the awkward glances to one another at dinner. In attempts of sparking something between the two of you Doyoung asks, “Did you enjoy dinner?” At the door frame of your bedroom. “Yeah,” All was well until you saw him begin to unbutton his dress shirt and head into the closet. “W-What do you think are you doing?” You asked frightened. Why was he undressing in your new bedroom. “Getting ready for bed?” “But don’t you have your own room?” You inquire confused. “You picked my room, so we share.” He replied. There were at least over a dozen bedrooms in this castle and you just had to pick his. “No take backs by the way, now get in bed love.” Kissing your teeth you throw on a pair of pyjamas you found in the closet; assuming it was his. Moving to the side of the bed to make a wall of pillows separating the two of you.

死

“It’s been over three months Doyoung.” This was one of those rare occasions you spoke at dinner. “And?” He questions. “I want to go home.” You stood your ground, it’s been over three months, nearing four and it’s safe to say this dinner was the most you’ve both communicated. “You are home,” He replies, taking a bite of his food. “No, it’s not. I sit in this castle reading books and talking to myself, I’m going mad!” You bark. “You traded yourself in for your fathers release, I can’t let you leave.” He always spoke softly but his words never failed to slice through you. 

Doyoung enters his bedroom, while you were downstairs cleaning up. He reaches into the back of his closet, sliding the clothes on the rack to the side, to reveal a mirror. It wasn’t an ordinary mirror, it was a magic mirror, to help Doyoung communicate with his mother without putting herself in danger. “I thought this was the peace I needed to come back.” He said to himself looking at his reflection. “Peace? This isn’t peace Doyoung.” A voice hollered throughout the still room as the mirror illuminated. “I know it isn’t mother, I can’t seem to find it. I’m trying.” The tension grew thick, he was frustrated. “Find peace in her.” She finally said. Just then, the mirror shatters. “Doyoung?” Your soft voice calls from the closet door. His head spins around as he readjusts the clothing. “What time is it?” He questioned, flaring with energy. “About fifteen minutes to eight, why?” This is where you start growing nervous. Although he’s kept to himself you know he yearned for human blood. “Let’s explore.” He grabs ahold of your hand running down to the front yard. “Wear this.” Handing you a coat he intertwines your hands as the two of you exit the premises. 

“Why are you being so weird?!” You roar demanding answers. “I want our friendship to blossom my love.” He spoke, a pang of guilt hitting him. Your cheeks suddenly kissed pink like the spring rose, the blooming colour so bright against your face. Looking forward,avoiding eye contact with Doyoung you tug his hand forward into the wilderness. “On my way here I remember seeing a bench surround with an ethereal setting.” You babble on the way to the destination. “Really? Would love to see it.” Doyoung replied uninterested. This didn’t go unnoticed by you so letting go of his hand you walk ahead. He catches up but doesn’t grab ahold of your hand. “I apologize.” He said, earning a scoff. “I really am, I’m all ears now.” The pleads went on until you reached the bench where you sat down and pulled out a book. “What’s that?” He asked. “A sketch book.” You reply, opening the book to reveal you artwork. “Whoa, Y/N these are amazing.” Astonished he grabs it out of you hand to flip through them, earning a rather adorable giggle from you, which did indeed cause a crack in Doyoung’s ice cold heart.

Your stay increased and the liking you had towards Doyoung has as well. Now there is never a dull moment at dinner, a new routine of late night walks. In all honesty, Doyoung hasn’t been the slightest interested in you up until last night. “Doie! Look at this, I drew you!” You cheer running over to the boy in his study. “Let’s take a look.” He stood in front of you, his eyes that told stories words couldn't, staring into your shiny orbs, piercing through you. He couldn’t help it, with your collar bones exposed with the large tee swallowing you whole.. You looked appetizing. So when his hand came in contact with your nape, leaning down, his mouth hovering over your neck, about to indulge he hears a whimper. “Doyoung..” He looks up to your frightened figure. However, you weren’t scared of him sucking a little blood out of you, just nervous of how close you were. “Doyoung. It’s okay...” You whispered your doe eyes staring right back at him. But he couldn’t, “I’m not a monster.”

These days Doyoung felt vulnerable around you. The once inhuman arrogant cursed prince acting as like another man. His crave and lust for blood sank and he desired something else, something more attainable at his end now; love. Though his love for you blossomed quickly he was insecure and full of doubt when it comes to confessing. The world seems to be on his side when the two love birds are together, fooling around, but once the tension grew his courage flees the scene. Weeks turned into months with this unbearable love for you; he no longer lusts for your friendship, he needs more. 

You sat on the edge of the king sized bed, gazing out the bay window that peered into the land. Stars shining over top the night sky, appearing like magic at each sunset. Sipping onto the last bit of hot chocolate in your mug you change into a silk night dress Doyoung has purchased for you, since he thought you should have a new wardrobe now that you live with him. Back hitting against the soft mattress you wrap yourself in the thick duvet, closing your eyes to think.

My friendship with Doyoung has really come far these past few nights. Just the other night he cooked me breakfast in bed, which was really thoughtful of him. His egoistic personality fading into a tenderhearted man. Under all the layers from his saddening past, becoming a monster from the storybooks, to his prince status. He was a normal guy. I know he wants to flee this wretched castle and run back home, though he fears what he capable of. How he could hurt his people, or worse, his family. The sinister persona taking over him that cut his bond from Jaehyun. Oh But past all this is a man... You love.

The door creaks and you noticed a disheveled Doyoung enter the room. Must have been up in the study racing his minds to wonder, you believe. “Hey you.” You chirp, to sit up on the bed unknowingly a strap falls from your shoulder exposing your collarbone. “Hello Y/N.” The reply was dry and nonchalant about. But all worries ended when he hops into the bed curling up into himself gathering warmth. You don’t know why but your heart skipped a beat when you glanced over at him, catching his stare up at you. You huff playfully before relaxing into the sheets. The two of you could’ve easily split rooms and been on your way but there was an urge for you to stay in his suite. Maybe it was the thirst to find out who he really was, and why his path was this rough... Or it was because ever since you met at the chambers, your heart always raced around him; no matter the occasion. The room was quiet, sitting in a comfortable silence, both of you awake. Should you tell him? Is this too quick? Were you ready? The questions spring around your mind for a couple seconds before being interrupted by a pleasant surprise. 

Doyoung’s hand makes it’s way to reach yours. The ice-cold finger tips, tracing over your hand. Skinship wasn’t rare but it was never making you consider he felt the same way. Intertwining your hands you turn to face him, to notice he was already looking at you. He wants to confess, he will confess. His mouth opens to speak, but quickly silenced with a pair of soft lips crashing onto him. Knowing his difficulty with words, actions seemed to have spoken better than them. His lips were warm and the taste of bourbon stung your tongue gracefully. Doyoung moves his hands from yours to rest on the back of your neck, pulling you closer to him. You two break apart for air, hesitantly looking at one another. Though his eyes told multiple stories, all you felt as of now was lust and desire. Giving yourself up to him, or how people back home would say; popping the cherry. Lips crash together and it felt like you were walking on air. The way your lips connected with his, molding together like they belonged, his mouth was so warm compared to the rest of him. The small tug onto your lips erupting a quiet moan is what gets him started.

死

You awoke to arms barricading around you, keeping your bare body close. The morning light shining through the closed blinds creating a funky pattern on the duvet. Your hands drawing funny little shapes on Doyoung's bare chest. Last night sure was hectic, he's got a lot of stamina for someone who claimed to be tired. Doyoung lets out a whine, “So bright in here..” He groans, covering his face. It took a minute to register what was going on and why you were naked and in his arms, but relaxed when he follows up on what went down last night. He could freely express his love physically and verbally. “Oh my god, I love you.” He says ecstatic. You mumble ‘I love you too’ to him before he goes on yapping, “Mother was right.” He whispers, “She was right. You’re my peace. My key to a happy life.” A soft smile dances on your lips after hearing those words, he truly did love you... But because his mother told him so? “Your mother?” You inquire, but he’s quick to reply. “She told me to find peace in you; at first I doubting her sanity because you were quite annoying-” “Hey!” You slap his chest, however he defends himself. “But I can’t live without your chitter chatter now.” He expressed.

Doyoung combs his hair, you cleansing beside him. “You got tanner honey.” You say pinching his skin lightly. “I did?” His doe eyes looking into the mirror at his skin. Then panic arose, “Quick Y/N! Fetch me some blood.” He says while you blankly stare back at him. “You don’t have any blood.” He grabs your wrist. The veins visible. “I.. I don’t want blood.” A sardonic laugh escapes. “I have an idea” He said patting your head lovingly. What could he have in mind? You hum, signaling him to continue as you dry off. “Let’s get married.” If you saw yourself right now you probably would’ve been convinced that your jaw was touching the ground. Nonetheless, life is a risk. Why not? “Okay.” You replied, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. The once feared blood sucking monster, was now back to being an ordinary prince. “I heard my father didn’t let our poor little sister get married..” He whispers into your lips. “Two weddings have been cancelled, let’s help them out.” Grabbing your hand he leads you towards the east end of his castle. You never ventured out there, quite creepy if I do say so myself. Digging into an old box he pulls out an off the shoulder wedding gown with embroidery on her bodice. Rhinestones and pearl beads were sewn on the gown. "It's beautiful," You gasp in awe. "It was my mother's gown. I want you to wear it now." He said handing it over. “Bring it in hand, let’s get ready there. Our big day is tomorrow isn’t it?” He smirks, taking you in hand to walk down to the foyer. “I called someone for us.” “You did?” Just then, you two hear the neigh of a horse (or two) in the distance approaching. A carriage arrived on time to bring you two home. “I can’t believe we’re going home.” You start. “Does this mean we’re gonna stay there because I’d rather not actually.” The confession was vague but Doyoung knew where you were getting at. The privacy was amazing, and hearing the sound of birds in the early morning instead of villagers was a blessing. “Me too.” He replied, helping you on top of the carriage. 

And off you go.

Once you arrived you were surprised people recognized you, and the prince himself. Whispers and rumours already begun and you’ve barely made it through the main city. “There it is, our chapel.” You joke, pointing towards the castle, earning a little laugh from him. He was no longer a vampire, and it frightened you, was getting you to fall in love with him just to go back to normal his only goal? Or was he truly head over heels for you as you were for him. Many of actions reminded you of how he loved you. “Whoa did you see that? They just let us slip by..” He whispers to you after seeing the guards let you pass by happily. “It’s cause we live here,” You replied all giddy over his childish antics when it came to being home, he was thrilled. He quickly rushed towards the the throne room knowing his parents would be there and you rushed behind after setting the suitcases. “Mother! Father! I’ve come home!” He shouts in the still room. Gasps heard from various maids and guards. “I-I’ve found peace...” He pants. “Peace?” His father questioned, his mother correcting him, “He found love.” Doyoung shares a smile before walking up to the throne, “I’ve been gone for quite awhile, haven’t I?” He snickers before embracing his parents. “Brother?” A voice hollered through the room, follow by whispers. He turned to see his loving siblings. “Jaehyun...” Running towards him his smile fades. “I’m sorry,” The apology was wholehearted, from what Jaehyun knew; Doyoung was a loving brother. But all was false, back then he was a selfish beast, not caring once of who he hurt. Now, he was back and came work up from his mistakes. Jaehyun pulls his elder brother into a hug, as he sobbed quietly into his shoulder. 

The door opens to reveal a princess; you. “You all know Y/N.” Doyoung says, grabbing your hand. At first, you don’t realize Jaehyun there, but he makes himself known. “Yes, I was engaged to her not long ago.” Shivers ran down your spine, how could he be so cold and straightforward. Did he actually love you? The straight brooding face quickly curved into a grin, flashing his dimples. “I’m joking. You two actually look like your in love, Y/N and I looked like brothers.” Laughter erupts within the room everyone catching onto the joke one by one before silencing. Doyoung clears his throat “I will be marrying Princess Y/N and merging our kingdoms into one.” It was nice to see his father smile, it was rare. This was good news and it seems like all is working out for the two of you. “Very well, how does next week sound?” He said, watching you two nod eagerly.

死 

It’s been three hours since your vows have been exchanged, and you are now rocking a stone as large as your pupil on your wedding finger, while slowly being undressed by your husband. “Why is this thing so hard to take off,” He complained right as he gets the hang of it. Your lips molding with one another in perfect harmony. It's a slow process you want to enjoy, but most of all you want to pleasure your new husband. A gasp escapes your mouth feeling Doyoung gently lifts his hands up to palm your clothed core, the gentle rubbing before going underneath the thin material to your glistening folds. He hushed your with kiss going down your torso, til he reached right above your core. In a blink of an eye, you see yourself nude and legs sprawled out with Doyoung’s face between your legs. Licking a stripe between your folds, sucking gently on your clit. “So wet...” He murmurs under his breath, before diving in. If you thought your first time with Doyoung was hectic, you’re in for it tonight. Now hands tied behind your back by your own wedding veil you stuff your head into the pillow, screaming his name. “Oh my god! Oh my god! R-Right there! Harder!” You cry, curling your toes ass he thrusts into your core. Your hair bunched up into Doyoung’s fist, keeping you two steady as he penetrates into you. Coming close to your orgasm you arch your back in anticipation; this doesn’t go unnoticed. Doyoung comes forth, hot breath and groans loud and clear in your ear. Reaching down he finds your bud and rubs harshly onto it, feeling you clench around his length. A squeal leaves your mouth, “I’m cumming!” You cried, digging your face in the pillow. Just when you felt yourself relaxing into the pillow, you feel a hot liquid coat your pink walls and Doyoung pulling out

死

The sound of the kids playing rings in the background as you sip on a cup of coffee your husband, Doyoung brewed earlier this morning. He comes to sit beside you on the abandoned bench in the forest, memories flooding off our many escapes to this very bench as kids. His hand reaches to caress your pregnant belly. “Number three.” He said playfully as you slap his hand away, “His name is Taehyun, not Number three.” He chuckles, “A beautiful name from his beautiful mother.” Doyoung says, gently raking his fingers through your long locks of hair. “I love you so much,” He whispers, bringing his hand to your cheek before kissing the top of your nose. “I love you too I guess,” You shrug, covering your grin with the book you held. “Youjin and Minhyun are still in the garden, shall we go in...” His eyes trail the vicinity, before catching your kids who were sitting in a field of flowers. “Min! Jin! Me and your mother are going to head inside for a snack! Stay close!” He shouts over the kids who just send him a thumbs up. Eagerly, Doyoung stood up grabbing your hand pulling you gently towards the castle. “What a child,” You mumble before heading in.

© seostudios, 2020.

#nct #nct-writers #nctnetwrite #neowritingsnet #neo-the-stars-net #nct 127 #nct dream #wayv #nct 2020 #doyoung #kim doyoung #nct doyoung #nct 127 doyoung #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #doyoung imagines #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #doyoung scenarios #nct au #nct 127 au #doyoung au #nct fluff #nct angst #nct smut #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 angst #nct 127 smut #doyoung fluff #doyoung angst

[janusander]

theory on the upcoming video (SPOILERS)

many people have already tried to decipher the trailer, but here are my two cents on it.

the trailer opens with scenes from selfishness vs selflessness, meaning the new video will obviously be related to what happened in that video. the clips talk about thomas being (im)perfect and wanting to go to the callback but choosing to go to the wedding anyway, under roman’s punishment for thomas’ “crimes”. then, the trailer opens.

one shot, and a million things to take in. firstly, look at the vast contrast between the opening shot of svs.

basically everything is different. svs opened with a rather happy but yellow lighting, with deceit, the yellow side appearing later. it was in the day, thomas was excited and energetic, wearing casual clothes and happy to talk to the sides again.

then there’s the new video. it was very late at night - you could basically see nothing behind thomas. he was wearing formal clothes and was completely still. the expression on his face is of anger, and he is bathed in orange light.

it’s quite clear about what just happened. he came back from the wedding (or, i predict, the lack of wedding) but he is extremely angry. something definitely went wrong. and just how deceit appeared in svs, as predicted by the yellow lighting, the orange side is almost definitely going to make an appearance here.

the fact that he is absolutely bathed in the orange light could show that he is absolutely bathed in that emotion right now. is the orange side going to be anger? maybe? who knows?

and here he is, up against someone. there is a very low chance he will actually go in a video game, or even physically battle someone at all, so this is symbolism like in how do we get out of bed in the morning? with the sketches being a symbol. as they are standing around orange rings, i think that he is battling the orange side. he will learn how to battle this emotion, whatever it is (i’m thinking anger) with this analogy. 

and here is patton, definitely in pain, covering his ears, screaming, yelling or saying something. there will definitely be some sort of angst in this episode. or not. maybe this is just a reaction to thomas swearing or something, lol, who knows.

and here he is, sitting in the wedding with the suit he is shown to wear there. i doubt it will open with this - it will probably be during the video game explanation/analogy for telling the story as some sort of flashback to something. he is sitting completely alone, with no one there, and he is later shown to check his phone.

he kinda looks like he’s bopping to something lmao.

anyway, i think (and every other fander ever, let’s be real) got the got the wrong date for the wedding. i think it was the day before, or maybe earlier in the day, so he ended up missing both the wedding and the callback, which is what makes him so angry at the beginning. he ends up losing both the opportunity to star in an award-winning director’s new movie, and also loses his friends.

the next shot we see is roman. look at him. his face is literally buried in his hands. my boy is clearly in a lot of pain here.

and his face. he’s not recovering well. not only does he end up losing his dream opportunity he’s always wanted but technically, all of this is his fault. well, at least that’s what i think he’s thinking - and possibly what thomas is thinking. after all, roman set the sentence for him to go to the wedding instead of the callback and that was all his fault. we are definitely, definitely, definitely going to get roman angst in this episode, guys gals and non binary pals. and i don’t think i’m ready.

also. (i think) he’s looking at patton/thomas’ direction. hmm.

next is this shot. again, probably an analogy. jumping over hurdles? having to do things even if it is hard for you? also, the limited text is purple. is this somehow related to virgil? does he, or virgil, have a limited time before he loses it or something? or maybe he just has a limited time to get to the callback or something? if he can get to it, i think. i mean, rescheduling callbacks is hard and i don’t think he can reschedule it. also, the thing he’s jumping over and trying to avoid is orange. yes, i know it’s lava, but is it possibly an analogy to try to avoid or get over the orange side, or his anger?

and...he’s mad. swearing loudly. he’s clearly in a rush for anger too, as he is rushing from the door as shown in the gif below.

again, his house is lit in orange, and it’s continuing from the first door scene. his hair is in a mess, and he is out for blood. the sides are probably going crazy at the moment.

the video game theme in the video is huge. there’s video game-esque video playing in the background. there’s scenes with them in the classic video game backdrops, imitating pokemon and mario (i think - i’m not a gamer oops). even some of the words are slightly pixelated. video games could be associated with anger, or suppressing anger, but it could just be a way to neatly explain how to deal with the orange side, which i believe will be anger.

so, in summary. i think the video will be after the “wedding”, or lack of it, as he missed it. he waited, and no one came, and after checking his phone, he realised he got the wrong date. he will get super angry at all the sides, especially roman and patton, and it will take him a while to calm down. somewhere in there, i think he probably meets the orange side which will represent anger, which he has to learn to control and suppress even when times are hard.

so here are my two cents on this. take it with a grain of salt - of course, this is not fact and it’s merely me having fun. thank you for reading my theory, and have a nice day!

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #thatsthat24 #ts spoilers #sanders sides spoilers #spoilers #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #creativity sanders #morality sanders #logic sanders #anxiety sanders #princey sanders #roman #patton #logan #virgil #princey #theories #sanders sides theories #thomas sanders theories

[missing-my-griffin]

a rant that’s way too long about Tics character bc i need help

Alright I simply cannot get over how the show writes the way he treats women, and it’s all so intriguing, so here we go. He’s supposed to be our hero. Sweet, nerdy (or so we’re told) and oh yeah a war criminal who hates what he’s done. Traumatised and complicated and allowed to be. Interesting concept, and a very gray character to have as your male lead. I LOVE seeing flawed personalities. But thus far, I feel very very unsure of whether or not the show is going to acknowledge the shit he’s done... all that stereotypically male, entitled kind of shit.

Hippolyta’s arc about becoming small, making herself small, and George who was like the poster child “good guy” not being all good after all because he let her, kind of makes me question what they’re trying to say about Leti and Tic.

Because, (that’s the relationship I wanna start with...) it���s freaking me out. 

They have these “romantic” scenes, we had Leti last ep saying she loves him. And yet. I don’t see any real intimacy. It’s all so superficial?? I see Leti making herself small like Hippolyta did, and him not only allowing it but just... living in his own world so much it seems he wouldn’t even care if he knew. Ji-Ah’s and Tics relationship seemed much sweeter and more sincere than what he shares with Leti, but maybe only because of the innocence of it all. First loves and stuff. Leti and Tic’s dynamic is much more “grown up”. Which is fucking me up, because she was a virgin, and by choice because she was waiting for something real. Tic is Leti’s first love. It almost makes it seem like they’re trying to say “the relationship is as mature as HE wants it to be. HIS status matters for the softness of it, never hers.” Just compare the respective first times we had here. Ji-Ah was so careful, so sweet towards him; and he anger-fucked Leti for 30 seconds on a bathroom sink. Granted, he didn’t know. But still. This show really glossed over the fact that it was her first time and that she, in canon, said she wanted it to be special. She played it down for his sake so he didn’t feel bad “Don’t worry, I needed it”, and then his reaction kind of implied he.. couldn’t care less? It was like the bare minimum of “awww :( My bad.” Not to mention, I am still fucking disgusted at how Leti just swallowed all that up like it was nothing (how he treated her in that bathroom), just to turn up the very next episode and be some kind of hypersexual seductress. I’ll throw up about that for centuries. And it could have been fine, if they had made it a point to show us “Yes she was a virgin but she’s a grown woman and her lack of experience doesn’t infantilize her, and now she’s making the choice to explore her sexuality in a very mature way.”, but they didn’t, quite the opposite we’re getting less sass, less flirtation, less provocative playfulness. 

I’m going to be very honest, Leti’s “lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets” - sexuality is the very epitome of performing sexiness for the male benefit. She’s the cool girl, she’s pure, innocence, you know, but with you, oh my wonderfully average hero, for you she’s a fucking whore. For you she’ll be down, be sexy, pretend it wasn’t a big deal what you did. Do they really want to portray this as a romance we should root for?? I’m so conflicted. 

And last episode, again, had me wondering.... because Ji-Ah came back and he treated her like literal garbage, a monster, a thing, for no goddamn reason.

Because remember the opener?? ? Very first episode, Tic’s wet dream of his “hero’s adventure”, he’s the main guy in a sci-fi flic and gets rewarded with a barely dressed alien-Ji-Ah, very classic old sci fi look. And yes, classic in this context means disgusting, fetishizing, sexist. Because this Ji-Ah, she had red skin, a bit of an otherworldly look. An “acceptable” alien/monster because she’s still objectify-able. Still “hot”. But when she turned into an actual monster, whose tails don’t exactly fit the hot stereotype, Tic decided she had no worth anymore. None whatsoever. Even though she is kind, forgiving, loving and selfless. But she is worth nothing more than Tic’s disgust as he reveals he never had any shred of true feelings for her, because she’s just a repulsive thing for him to yell at for trying to save his life because she loves him despite it all. Not to mention, how dare he judge her. (that line “It’s my nature, what’s your excuse” had me in TEARS lol) He tortured her best friend, watched as she got murdered, and had the audacity to go “well that’s how it goes, it’s her own fault for being a communist” Tic’s not a bad guy, and I don’t hate him. But he’s much less of a hero than Leti or Hippolyta, or Ruby and Ji-Ah for that matter. He’s traumatized, and it’s eating him up, but he lets his anger (or coldness) at who he became in the war and who his father made him out on the women around him. Which is interesting, because the women in this show are all traumatized as well, yet are still kind and rarely project their anger. Tic uses his love interests, refuses to “see” them, and thinks it doesn’t count because he’s not doing it maliciously, just out of ignorance and aloof entitlement. And depending on how this show treats this issue (I’m really really hoping they’ll acknowledge it obviously but really unsure atm), I’ll applaud them til by hands bleed or be really fucking pissed :’D

And lastly just to make it clear again: I do not hate Tic. He’s not the villain, and I don’t see a mad queen arc for him. The only reason I’m judging him so harshly is because the way they’re portraying him is so ambiguous. This show is all about injustice and that includes feminism, and they got Dee’s and Hippolyta’s stuff so brilliantly, and then they turn around and give us a male centric, dripping with sexist undertones main couple? I think I hate some of the stuff Tic’s done so much because it’s so MUNDANE; like every woman has been treated like that before. And every woman has had to sweep it under the rug and hope to grow strong enough to learn her worth, expect more from the mediocre men around her. Demand real intimacy, demand real kindness. Tic is a little like Nick from gone girl.. like not the antichrist lol, but just this normalised amount of selfish dispensation that never gets portrayed as such or called out bc it’s not “that bad”, quite the opposite, men like him get the hero treatment, and in Ruby’s words, I’m tired. 

#lovecraft country #ahhh I needed to let this out #it's been brewing for weeks

[kinnoth]

DVD extras for PFYTTC

completed fic found here

as promised by me and as anxiously anticipated by at least 2 people(!), i am releasing process notes, deleted scenes, and author's commentary for PFYTTC

my hope is that someone will find these to be instructive, illuminating, or at least entertaining. they will be catalogued on this blog under the tag "internal thorki fic tag"

today's release: author commentary and annotations pt 2/3

Thor draws back, raises his chin. His pulse is in his ears. He should never have come in the first place. He could have lived with what peace they had between them, and now he won't even have that. this whole thing is only happening bc they've both spent 1000+ years too fuckin shit coward to say what they want to say in case the other one's just gonna fucking drop them the minute something upsets the status quo "Mother loved you she loved asgard more. it was her job to. but unlike Odin she did love other things, including her children ," he challenges, his voice rising. "I loved you." They both know Odin loved nothing but Asgard. It goes unsaid.

His brother flips his hand dismissively. "You loved everyone, what’s one more." lol burn

"I loved you best!" This is true. Odin tried to instill within Thor his own love of empire but it never took. Thor is selfless for a man but he is also self-centered because he is only a man. He does not have the distance or breadth of vision to be a king. He will always love the things he personally loves best.

Thor is on his feet as static gathers in the air I really like the idea that Thor is and contains storms, not just thunder. He is wind and rain and nourishment and destruction. Loki stops, holds his gaze steadily, breathing hard. "I was happy," he says after a moment. "Perhaps it was never to any great effect, but I was happy once. It was never an uncomplicated happiness but he had a lot of it, he was real close to it. So he lashed out every now and again through the ages, caused a bit of chaos, and people would get mad at him, but he could always go home, to Thor, to Frigga, to people who would see his faults and call it mischief. It was not uncomplicated, but he could have lived a life in that space. He could have learned to love a cage. But then, I was not who I thought I was." He drags in a breath and wrings together his trembling hands. "And I did not know what I know now." Loki is speaking to his "demotion" to being Thor's brother as much as he is speaking to his finding out about his being Jotun here. He is referring to the whole situation: he has found out that all his life's happiness was manufactured by Odin, from the ground up. Thor thinks he is referring to the fact that Thor has just appeared to agree with some very nasty opinions Odin had of him and he is already starting to feel really fuckin guilty about that. Because Thor is an anxious personality and anxious personalities are kind of inherently self centered in the face of personal conflict. He stands in the middle of his sparse, dark little room and looks, suddenly, unspeakably small and lost. Thor steps toward him, but his brother looks up and fixes him with a glittering stare and he stops. This is Thor at peak anxiety right now. He did a bad thing and he isn't allowing himself to apologise. It is killing him, but he still has a role to play, he still has to pretend he is in the right because men do not back down in a fight and right now they are fighting

"So I have been selfish and self-serving, but who else but I served Loki-prince?" he says bitterly. "I was faithful to Asgard for over a thousand years and saw nothing but ashes for it. So if I took the things that Asgard would not give me in the end, ought I to be sorry?” Loki has backed the fuck down. Loki has turned all that anger and bitterness of a fight and directed it inwards. Loki is infected with a different flavour of toxicity.

Thor huffs and breaks his gaze to hide his discomfort. "You were prince of the Nine Realms," he replies darkly. "What could you have possibly wanted for that could not be furnished to you?" this is still true! Loki's life was a cage -- both their lives have been cages, but damn what a gilded fucking cage. Damn, what riches and luxury. Thor is also responding to Loki's long, old habit of indulgence, of collecting and insisting on finery. Some part of him was soothed by expensive things from the existential plight of living in a cage. He kept a thousand exotic plants and dozens of clever and colourful birds. His walls were hung with iridescent papers and intricate tapestries. He had books of knowledge and trinkets of power that even Odin had never laid hands on. Thor always joked that Loki's household was the other vault of Asgard's treasures. But lol material soothing can only get you so far

Loki snarls, "I have never had what I truly wanted, have you?" Loki wanted answers. He never got answers out of his life, and when he did, he was cast from it, cage broken, unable to return. He also wanted Thor. Big ol sore spot, how badly he wanted Thor and was unable to have him. He's referring to that right now more than the others. This is the part that's relevant bc he thinks Thor is rejecting him. The room flares bright white for a moment and Thor startles, whirling about. Loki's foxfire pulses threateningly in its brazier. I included Loki's foxfire primarily as a visual counterpoint to all of Thor's moody storm environmental effects. I wanted Loki also to have something that responded physically to his inner state.

Thor crosses his arms over his chest defiantly. He will not be cowed by a display of theatrics. "I had everything," he lies even though he knows it is not what Loki means. Oh some sad sick part of his soul has always known, even as he was subjected to more shame about it

Loki goes stiff and then, all at once, the venomous rage empties from his sharp face. He asks with a sudden, pleading sorrow, “Then do you not want me like I want you?” BIG. SAD.

Greedy Thor, arrogant Thor does not respond, but his brother meets his burning gaze and seems to see through him. Thor’s heart is caught beneath his chin. He doesn’t know what Loki sees, but he prays that it is not everything. We get to play this game some more where the reader knows that Loki wants Thor and Thor wants Loki but neither of them know that about each other. Haha. It's the U in UST guys. What fun.

Loki searches him a moment longer but then looks away. Thor feels a cavernous feeling as if he has been assessed somehow and found lacking. But Thor has won: his brother is crying and doing a poor job in hiding it. He waits for the satisfaction to come and to chase away the guilt. GOOD JOB THOR YOUR TOXIC MASCULINITY HURT EVERYONE IN ITS CONFUSION

But then Loki turns. "You're not the first I've disappointed with my unworthiness, brother," he says, quiet again, still again, distant. "You are hardly the first to cast me out because I did not suit. This is as close to "you're just like your father!" as we're gonna get in this argument haha Hate me if you want, then," he says, a fissure opening beneath his smooth voice, "but I never hated them, your friends, your family, or Asgard. I only ever hated how they hated me, and yet you still loved them for it." Jesus fuckin Christ the depth of rejection that Loki has continuously felt from his society for being The Wrong Kind Of Man. But it was always, "it's fine, my family still loves me" and then he finds out it's not his family. Then he finds out he's not anything to anybody. Loki wants somebody in his corner who is in no one else's corner. Thor isn't that person until he's asked to choose. He still hasn't been asked to choose. He's not going realize it's a choice until it's too fucking late. He spreads his palm and light gathers between his fingertips. Thor knows what that is. Loki keeps his most dangerous treasures in his pocket dimension. Thor knows this, and Thor is afraid, as he has been afraid since Loki tried to kill himself in thor1, that Loki is going to try to kill himself again. This has been a thing between them for this whole time, unable to be spoken of or even looked at for fear that acknowledging it will bring it that much closer to reality. But it has always been there, in the corner, lurking like a fucking grotesque, like a ghost. This has been part of their distance, the reason Thor has been so weird and delicate with Loki this whole time they've been on this ship. He doesn't know how to fight that monster, and it scares him so fucking bad.

Thor lunges for him, his pulse in his ears, crossing the room in three quick strides. He seizes his brother by the wrist and Loki's pocket dimension snaps shut; whatever implement he was retrieving dissolves back into the darkness. Loki jerks away instinctively but Thor holds him tight. "I am not casting you out!" he cries HEY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY CAST LOKI OUT. He crowds into him with his body, Loki stepping back for his every step forward until the wall stops them both. Thor pins his brother's arm. Loki looks jolted a moment, confusion opening his face as Thor leans his weight against him. They are both breathing hard. "I am not," he repeats. Ok there's a lot happening here. Continuing with the overall theme of this whole fic, Thor and Loki are going to be having two completely separate conversations with each other simultaneously, each bringing to bear their own separate fucking truckload of baggage and assumptions. They have very bad communication here bc they have always had very bad communication. They can never seem to get on the same page bc they can never be fully honest with each other. It's A Lot. We know that right. We can feel a lot happening here. Good cos I had to rewrite this section literally 6 times to fit all the things happening here. We got a) Loki just attempted to use the space stone to flee b) thor doesn't know about the space stone c) Thor thinks Loki might still be suicidal d) Loki is feeling fucking rejected after his horrible, indirect, unclear attempt at a love confession e) loki is feeling some mighty kabe-don inflicted sexual tension right now f) also Thor's immense despair and guilt

Loki shoves at him with his free arm, his hand balling and gripping him menacingly by the open collar of his chest plate. "No?" he asks, acid hissing through his voice once more. "Odd, then, how that was what it sounded like." We are going to react to surface level emotions here first. Address the addressed: is Thor casting Loki out? Let's emotionally respond to that

"I was only angry," Thor says, his mouth dry, bracing, expecting the violence of his brother's anger. "I didn’t mean what I said." This is a lame excuse but Thor is very fucking emotionally crippled because he has never fucking learned a way to deal with his negative emotions other than by fucking physically lashing out. The verbal lashing out is actually new and a step forward. The backing down and trying to apologize is also new, but still lame as all get out and fuckin weak. Toxic masculinity :) I write my characters with significant faults :) But Loki isn't fighting him. Ok now we're gonna get into the dirty unspoken stuff Thor knows how his brother fights, has been stung by those deadly hands often enough; he knows that his brother is not a man easily mastered. Why isn't Loki fighting? But Loki gasps oh no it's bc he's turned on as though Thor has hurt him, and beneath Thor's agony and his racing pulse, a black thrill runs him through oh no now they're both turned on. He changes his grip on Loki's wrist, and pushes his shoulder back until his arm bends up above his head. Loki lets him, this is a recurring sentence: things only ever go forward bc Loki lets them. Loki is ultimately always in control of progression. It's part of the power balancing I keep track of in their relationship watching. Thor's mind races; his terror mounts. He feels powerful. OH THERES A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. EVERY POINT PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED COLLASPES DOWN ONTO THIS ONE POINT. ITS A LOT. "Brother, I didn't mean it," he rasps. "Don't go." He is trembling. This is the line that's supposed to clue you in on the whole "Loki attempted suicide once and Thor's afraid he's gonna do it again" thing. Because we know that Loki has the infinity stone and we know he's got it as a backdoor to escape the ship if things get too stressful for him, but we also know Thor doesn't know that. So what is he referring to when he says "don't go"? Where could loki possibly go if Thor doesn't know he's got a magical backdoor mechanism? Oh, death, he's still afraid he might hurt himself. *jazz hands* writing

Loki's eyes grow narrow. "Oh, Thor," he breathes, "are you frightened?" This is....referring to a lot. But most surface level, it's Loki goading Thor about the fact that he's afraid to want the way loki wants. Thor takes that subconsciously but chooses to address only the aspects of kingship which are on his mind. Loki is trapped within his body but Thor is trapped within his body and his duty -- they don't know this about one another so they talk past each other

"Yes," Thor says readily. "Is that so surprising to you?" He needs to let him go, but instead his grip tightens on Loki's arm. He feels Loki's throat working, the subtle movements of his head and neck, and he feels, again, the stirring, ugly cruelty lust and violence are both urges in which one wants to bodily impact somebody else's body. With sex off the table (bc they're brothers!) it must just be violence right? that has lived inside him all his life. Its pulse fills his mouth, like a separate thing from his own. It is a separate thing, that's partially loki!! Spoilers we don't know that yet lol Thor's blood and body ignite for one indomitable moment before the guilt overruns him, his own self-disgust. id vs superego, fight. He puts his face into his brother's shoulder so that he might avoid his incising gaze. "Yes, I am frightened," he says hollowly. "I did not want this." Thor is talking about their violence. Loki hears him talking about their lust

Thor is lowly and vulgar and undeserving of being called a man. He is the very basest creature, captive to his vagaries, caring for nothing but his own comfort and gratification. good news thor was privately thinking about his lust! It's his id! He will destroy this cobweb peace between them for an upper hand, drive his brother away in a fit of pique, and for what? But his mental justifications are still gonna be about his violence! Superego!

He feels Loki stiffen as Thor's misery makes him dull and heavy. "Want what, be specific," his brother hisses. HAHA IDIOT He shoves at Thor again, curses crackling in his fist this time, no mere punctuation. I like this line

"Any of this. All of it," Thor mutters thickly. His feels his own breath hot on his face as the leather shoulders of Loki's shirt repel it back to him. Not really worth a note, but I know people keep trying to superimpose medieval clothing terms onto Asgardian fashion, and it doesn't really work. What loki wears as a costume is not a jerkin (not a vest), surcoat (not a smock), or a tunic (not long enough or belted). It's a shirt (sleeves, fitted torso). I refer to it, therefore, as a shirt. The trap in his throat cannot contain his every secret, and what spills out does so like a cut vein. I like this line "Odin’s kingdom, the crown, the fate of Asgard." Wow buddy way to fucking bring up all the things we weren't here to talk about, ok. But in this context, it's also all the stuff Thor's wanted to say to loki and has never had the space to do so. They've really had very little time together once things started going bad. He squeezes his eyes shut and grieves that he cannot even be with Loki, cannot ask of him to share a drink without Loki's bad faith and his own bad impulses coming between them. This is really the problem at the bottom of their relationship. Loki doesn't believe anything is good and can't be broken and Thor has violence instead of emotional regulation

They truly are ruined, he thinks, as he counts his brother's quick heartbeats through his palm, and Thor can be neither the man he wants to be nor the man he needs to be anymore. Referencing to avengers endgame and his conversation with Frigga. I'm trying to establish that this conflict has history and is already rooted in him here. "I did not want for them to take me," he says. "I did not want to become that which I hated, what you hated, what had killed you and our mother and made our father a stranger to us. This is referring back to his whole realization about Empire in MLIES. It's important that he talks about it bc Loki doesn't know he's had this realization if he doesn't! I thought I would rather die, but now it is here anyway, and there is nowhere left for me to run."

There is a pause and then Loki says, his voice soft and careful. "It is kingship, brother. It is what we were born to do." Loki is fucking spooked. Thor has never been this clear or verbose about his criticism of Odin.

Thor lets out a breath like a sob. "It is a rotten job, Loki. It is rotten to its core." I think it's very funny to refer to being king as "a rotten job" He lifts his head and searches his brother's face. "It consumes you, it becomes your world until your heart may hold nothing but it, and your soul may love nothing but it, and you would rather see your queen die for it and your sons disgraced for it rather than lose even a fraction of it." Odin worst-husband and ever worser-dad. I really don't think Thor respects him after thor2. I think Loki is just making that realization at this moment. This is going to obliterate a huge block between them. Last they spoke of Odin in thor3, Thor was still angry about the nature of Odin's death, but now that that moment of anger has passed, Thor can speak to Odin's faults in a way that can convince Loki that Thor saw them as well.

Loki is not crying anymore. He looks upon Thor with such bewilderment and concern Loki is very, very surprised by all this. Every single one of his walls has come down. He hasn't seen Thor this emotional once in their adult lives that Thor wishes, once more, to hide his despair, but that his brother deserves to be looked in the eye. "Would that I were only a man," he continues. "Would that this were only an occupation of a father being passed to a son, but it is not. It is a wolf at my door, brother, and I must let it in, but I cannot do it without you beside me." This is need. This is what Loki has been looking for. Thor's need for him, laid out bare and confessed. This makes him feel less crazy about his own need.

Loki's brows are pinched, his iridescent eyes this is a private joke to myself bc I am blue-green colorblind wide with honest heartache. He lifts his hand from the wall and Thor lets him go. He feels a touch alight on his temple, between the chevroned scars on his scalp. Oh yeah I think the lines on his scalp are scars, not decorative. It makes sense given his lifestyle. "I did not think it would hurt you so," his brother says in wonderment. He really is didn't know anything about Thor's struggle with being king. last he heard on the subject was the end of thor2 where Thor had expressed it in selfless terms of being worthy and protecting the empire. He hasn't witnessed Thor's revulsion. He touches fingertips to the corners of Thor's eye where his sorrow has gathered but not fallen, and Thor only wishes that his brother could let himself be held. NO HUGS BC ONLY LOKI HAS THE POWER TO MOVE THINGS FORWARD

"You are better made for it than I," Thor tells him as Loki tugs on him and Thor's head falls back down against his brother's throat. Hug Loki hums and lays his cool hand lightly along the back of his skull, stroking contemplatively. Thor allows himself to be pacified, and the shameful, screaming something in his heart quietens for the moment, as it only ever does beneath his brother's hands. It is always Loki's impulse to be Thor's comfort and it is always Thor's to seek comfort from him. Codependency! He sighs. "I need your strength and your wisdom and your friendship, Loki." He fists his fingers into the flanks of Loki's shirt and pulls meaningfully. HUG!! This conversation does not resolve satisfactorily for all the concerns brought up, but that is deliberate. This is how most difficult and strenuous conversations go, where you just find a bit of peace you can agree upon and settle there, grateful. Also because this is kind of just the pattern of Thor and Loki's entire fucking lives. They have personal problems and personal problems but the big ticket concern is always their responsibilities and that tramples its way across everything. It fucking sucks."You asked me if I did not want, and that is it. I want you here with me. I want us to be friends again." Oh nooo that's not what he was asking about...

"We cannot be friends." Omfg the amount of heartbreak right here. Like fuck dude, Loki is already locking himself back into the imperial cage with thor because he wants to be with him, he is already willing to subsume the parts of him that go undiscussed bc thor might not reciprocate, he is ready to give himself over to Asgard and to be whatever use he can be to these people and now Thor wants them to be friends as well? When he already owns his every thought and priority and concern, when he owns the very air in his lungs, he also wants his friendship? Can Loki not keep anything?

Thor looks up. His brother's eyes are wet but he smiles beatifically. "We cannot be friends," he repeats. "I will serve Asgard, I will be your brother, and I will serve you, but even I, poor fool that I am, must keep something for myself. Don't you see?" he says, his voice cracking with a building fervour. "I am as you say that I am: unworthy and ungrateful and the keeper of my own misery. This hurts. Odin was wrong about a lot of things but Loki accepts these as his faults because they are the only way he can explain why nobody seemed to love him. I used to wish that I wasn't, but I am. And I must keep something, or else I shall have nothing at all." His fingers flex unconsciously on the edge of Thor's plate armour and, with a crunching snap, the metal rends beneath them. Loki hisses. I like the idea that non-asgardian armor on aesir bodies may as well just be decorative.

Thor stops him. "Loki, brother," he says, picking up his narrow hand and enfolding it between the both of his. This is a conversation stopper. Loki has hurt himself after all. Thor really does loathe it when Loki is hurt. He could happily live the rest of his life without seeing Loki in pain again. Ironic, he's about to. Loki quakes, on the verge of something, and Thor sympathises even as he doesn't know what it is. Bitch is like a hair's breadth away from just confessing everything He keeps his eyes cast low as he presses their hands together. "It's all right, I understand," he says, even though he does not. "Enough, hm? We are both fools." He shakes him lightly. "That's enough." This is just, peak kindness, peak generosity from Thor. All concern, all his soft attention turned on Loki. If he were wired just a little bit differently, less proud perhaps, less brittle, he might have made it a habit of hurting himself just for these moments

Loki's bruised hand spasms and he almost jerks it back into himself by instinct, but that Thor grasps him gently by the wrist and does not let him go. Wild-eyed, his brother stares at him, uncomprehending, first, and then recognition comes back into him. I think physical pain makes Loki absolutely dissociate. Like I think this is a product of a psyche that is not particularly attached to his physical body in the first place but compounded by whatever physical/psychological stress Thanos/the other put him under between thor1 and avengers1 "Yes," Loki gasps. "I'm sorry. I." His first instinct coming back into his own body is to apologize. Sad boi. His fingers curl within Thor's rough palm, and warmth drifts through the pulses of Thor's blood to have his brother holding his hand again. Emotions. So here's the thing, the way I have established it, Loki experiences his emotions with more clarity while struggling to communicate or act upon them in any meaningful way while Thor struggles to figure out what it exactly it is he is feeling at any given time but feels no compunction about expressing those feelings once they have names. They have always had bad communication. Having a psychic link absolutely helps the fuck out of them.

Thor shakes his head. "I have my own wrongs that I have done, and it has only been these recent years that I have had occasion to think back on them. You are right, you know," he says, smoothing his thumb over the back of his brother's knuckles for emphasis. "I have, in the past, regarded myself too highly, and I saw it as my natural right to trample over those who were less fortunate that I." Thor's blind but he has this beautiful generosity inside of him that takes Loki's breath away. Also, this is growth. Self awareness is growth. Being aware of one's privilege is growth. He's fucking trying but he's still a work in process.

Loki huffs a little breath. "It is not difficult to do when you are the best." Incapable of sincerity, especially when he's being sincere. He wipes at his face with his sleeve and offers to Thor a smile, small and self-deprecating, but sincere -- a delicate branch, newly budded, tentatively extended but an offer of peace nonetheless.

Thor returns his smile. "No, I suppose it isn't, but I am sure that doesn't excuse it. Loki," he says, and it is as if he is finally undoing a weight that has always hung around his neck, "I am sorry."

His brother's expression remains deceptively pleasant. "For what? Be specific," he says again, a flat whisper, either soft or deadly but which refuses to reveal itself to be either. Fun bit of repetition bc we're still talking about the same things lol also notice that asking active questions instead of just assuming shit manages to fucking facilitate better communication? Crazy how that works?

Thor knows; he has known for a while now. His errors were ever small slights, little wrongs, but together they built a wall between them as high as the sky. Bc Thor is beautiful but he is not without significant fault!!!! But now, his brother knocks on the other side, and his humility is a small price to pay to see it torn down. He is ready to be done with it now, here, at the end of the world. "For what I said, just now" he says. "For speaking over you, in years past. For behaving as if you owed me your obedience," he says. "For taking it for granted that you were my brother and," he sighs expansively.

"For never seeing you for yourself, I suppose," he muses. He puts his hand to his brother's shoulder and stands back enough to look Loki in the eye. "You are your own man. Your path is your own to take, and though we may walk together, we do not belong to the same fate." This is ironic bc they do literally belong together, but I do think this is the conversation that needs to happen for them to develop any sort of cognizant and deliberate romantic relationship for the future: Thor relinquishing personal responsibility over Loki's choices and actions and acknowledging that he will still love him regardless of past choices and actions. This is more of a making of peace for the "kings of new Asgard au" than for this particular verse.

"You do not belong to me," he says, watching Loki watch him and knowing that, this time, he has been heard. "You are my brother, but you don't belong to me."

Thor holds his gaze with all the plain equanimity he can summon and releases his brother's hand. He waits for him to draw it back, but Loki only closes his eyes, for one slow moment. When he opens them, they are the color of sunlight passing through a calm ocean and for once, no drowned secrets lie beneath. i like this line. Theming note: I think if Thor is storms then Loki is alternately fire and water (bc he has a changeable nature). I tried to theme their metaphors around this thesis. Writing note: I always try to theme my metaphors appropriately to a character. I find it helps to build the visual language of a character and also helps to keep your shit limited. If you don't put limiters on your visual language, every metaphor is available to you whether or not it contributes to building a compelling image of a character. The problem with writing is the problem of all art in that you can do anything. The expression comes out in what you choose not to do. "You have grown wise," his brother muses. He laughs, and it is a bell-clear sound, beautiful and weightless. He bows his head regally. "Worthy Thor, I am honoured." Incapable of sincerity especially when he's being sincere :(

Thor laughs, his throat thick with relief as Loki steps into him once more. God damn just having somebody take responsibility for his pain is SO FUCKIN MUCH for Loki, even if it isn't the person who caused most of it. It's not reparation he's after at this point, it's just acknowledgement. The fact that Thor can understand that, even if it's not in its entirety just takes so fucking much off of him. He leans his cheek against Thor's shoulder and allows him to take his weight. This is 50000% as much for Loki as it is for Thor. They are capable of giving and receiving comfort from one another. This makes them different from Odin and Frigga. Thor settles his arm around the back of Loki's body, and holds himself so still that he almost stops breathing. "Do you still hate me then?" This is half a joke and half very deadly serious. Thor would probably die if Loki for real hated him

Loki settles into this new posture, his hand still resting lightly in Thor's palm. "I could never hate you," he says easily, as if this were ever plainly evident to anyone who has wished to learn it. "I was angry with you, but I never hated you." God he's stupid just fucking talk to him.

Thor lifts his eyebrows and laughs aloud, surprised. "You have turned over a new leaf. That's more honesty than I've heard from you in aeons, brother." GOD THEY'RE BOTH SO STUPID JUST FUCKING TALK TO EACH OTHER

Loki shrugs. "There's no harm in it now," he says. He turns Thor's hand over and idly traces his fingertip along the tendon between each knuckle. Thor's heart clenches. It was only ever his brother who would touch him like this and Thor cannot remember the last time Loki had touched him. Weird historical intimacy. They were very close once. "There are none now amongst the living who would laugh at me." A pause. "I am sorry about your friends." Thor's fuckin playmates as a child were absolutely brutal to Loki for being "weird" and also so attached to Thor. Thor protected him when he could but Thor wasn't always around. As they got older, the bullying got subtler but they still treated him like he was a joke. Loki learned to be a personality that was emotionally withdrawn and polite and contained as a self defense mechanism. He learned to be vicious. The warriors 3 + sif, Thor's adult friends, were more openly respectful, but still shared sly glances and unspoken mockery. Loki was not their friend.

Thor hums gravely. "So am I." He drops his chin gingerly atop his brother's dark hair and breathes deep of the scent of him. It is familiar and as warming as drink. I've establish in MLIES that Thor takes a huge amount of sense memory in smell. It's one of his more doggish qualities. Also it is deliberate that I don't describe people's scent unless I'm trying to say something about it. I think it's probably from reading too many bad fics where people inexplicably smell like "strawberries and cream and roses" like fuck off lol. Irritating. He sways them together, lightly. "But they each died a warriors' deaths, and when the turning of the world comes and death comes for all of us, I shall see them again in Valhalla and be happy for it." This is the appropriate Aesir attitude toward death. The dead are valorous and glorious and we celebrate them. This is the attitude Thor should have had in MLIES about Loki's death, except Thor lost his goddamn mind about Loki bc Thor was unable to take Loki's death as anything less than the death of his own heart

"Then let us drink to that." Loki ducks beneath his arm and goes to retrieve the bottle. Thor feels the loss but he follows him gladly, still holding his hand. Casual touching has now been unlocked. Loki holds the liquor aloft. "To the turning of the world. To Valhalla," he announces. He drinks and, so close, Thor can see his throat working as he swallows. Are we still doing this game? Yes we are Loki: 3, Thor: 2

When his brother presses the bottle into his hand, Thor looks at him. He says wryly, before he drinks, Loki: 3, Thor: 3 "Loki, we are not going to die for a very long time yet." Haha irony

Loki snorts. "That is optimistic." This is being played as a joke. The pain is supposed to be retrospective. He draws Thor back down onto the widow ledge, and Thor goes with him. Thor decides he can accept the substitute when Loki sits close and pushes them together, shoulder to hip.

"You don't believe that," Thor needles him, knocking him with his elbow. "You haven't changed so much that you would maroon yourself on a doomed ship, if you truly thought it hopeless." Haha. Irony.

Loki re-balances himself and rolls his eyes. "Well I still might leave if it suits me. You said it yourself." He flaps a hand blithely, but the cut of his words is prickly, "I am my own man, after all." This is still joking, this is still play, but the ground for acceptable play is very very small atm. They have both overstepped. Thor by presuming to know Loki (he's not inaccurate, it is the presumption of being known that rubs wrong) and Loki by suggesting abandonment

Thor's lips tighten over his teeth. "Will you?" Something hard and challenging flattens his voice, some sudden thunder, like the sort that breaks upon a fine spring day. "Are you going?"

Loki looks at him levelly but then he sighs. "No," he says peevishly, ducking away, "but I don't see why you can't just play along with it." Loki doesn't prolong the game once he knows he's gone off base. That's also development. He wasn't like that before. He used to draw it out when his jokes caused someone pain

Thor moves the bottle away when Loki reaches for it. Loki frowns at him, annoyed, but Thor holds his gaze, unblinking, until Loki flushes beneath his pallor and looks away again. Thor isn't letting this go. Loki overstepped and apologized and it's now Thor's job to smooth it over and get them back on track but now they're lingering on Loki's vulnerable honesty and Loki feels so fucking naked, he hates feeling naked, fuck. Thor doesn't let him. He catches his brother's face with his palm and turns him, his thumb holding firm upon the hard angle of Loki's jaw. Loki lets himself be turned. His face is hot. Lol how many times is Loki gonna get faked out by that dick down. "I'm finished with playing that game with you, brother," Thor says, all humour gone. It is as if he is doomed to have this same conversation forever. He thinks back to all the times before that he has begged for his brother's constancy is a synonym for fidelity, and, like a mirror reflected back on itself, it is as if he looks endlessly into one image. "I will not grieve you a third time," yes you will bitch your whole damn life is about to become a funeral he says. "Stay or don't, only choose one and do it." That's some fucking ultimatum. Damn. Damn dude. Loki is fully vulnerable right now, peeled right the fuck open. He couldn't lie now even with his fucking words AND Thor is touching him

Loki blinks rapidly. "Do you want me to stay?" He sounds choked and breathless. The only response possible is deflection

Thor releases him. "Of course I want you to stay, I always want you to stay." Exasperated, his hand drifts up toward his crown to sweep in past his hair, only to remember, once it is there, that he has no hair to push back from his face. He has forgotten where and when he is. I don't like this line, I feel like it over explains, but my test audience was confused by the previous line so I added it in for clarity "If it were up to me, you would have never left me in the first place, but I am not your tyrant." I do like this line tho

"No," Loki says softly, his hands twisting together in his lap. Everybody has figured out this meta by this point "No, you are only my brother."

Thor shakes his head and drains the rest of the drink in one swallow. Loki: 3, Thor: 4 "You know, historically, every time we try to talk about this, you cause a great big fuss, we fight, I beat you, and then you leave anyway." He scrapes irritably at his beard. "So do forgive me if I tire of retreading this path again."

"That was before," his brother says. He pulls his knee back to his chest and leans against it, away from Thor. This is not flirting. This is a posture of self protection. His hair spills like ink over his shoulder like this line and he looks at once exhausted and boyish, self-conscious and ancient. "And I will not apologise for it."

Thor rounds on him. "Who's asking you to?" he snaps. Loki does not respond. Thor scoffs. "So, what? Is that it? One last drink for old times’ sake?"

"That's not it."

"Then what is it, Loki?" Damn loki is being cornered. He's been made naked and he's being cornered. If he were in a different part of his life, this is when he would lash out. cause some real fucking ruckus. Stab Thor a little. Maybe jump off bifrost. But he has to be here. This is his last chance. He's out on a ledge now and he either steps forward and Thor will catch him or he will just fall forever

"Here," Loki says, producing a new bottle, amber in colour and heavier than the last. "Drink." Putting off the inevitable. Stalling.

Thor takes it. He rips up the cork and drains the bottle with spiteful obedience. Thor's done putting it off. It burns. "If you're trying to get me drunk so it hurts less in the morning, it's not going to work." Kill me now or let me live forever

"Did it hurt before?" Still stalling. You can feel it though. It's like bile rising up your throat. It's inevitable. It's coming. You can't choose when now you can only choose how.

(This is the same dread of a fated death)

"Of course it bloody hurt, you blistering idiot," Thor spits. He feels fragile, cracking along his edges. Loki is not the only one who has been made naked "I thought you dead, twice. I drank Asgard dry the first time and I simply left after the second." This is as close as we're going to get to talking about Loki's deaths. It's painful for both of them to talk about. Maybe one day they will have the distance and feel safe enough with each other to address it directly. Maybe they never get to.

"I know." Loki slips his hand back into Thor's. It is as much comfort as it is concession, but Thor takes it anyway, pressing tight.

"I know you know." They were the worst times of his life, his world collapsed in upon him with him still trapped inside. He can hardly remember them at all, only in bursts, only in non-specifics, but of course, Loki had not intervened -- indifferent, always, as if Thor and the way his world was ending were specimen in a jar. Loki didn't know. He honestly didn't know. Maybe he should have known, but he didn't. Would he have done something if he knew? Would he? Would he? Thor scrubs his face and holds his palm there over his aching eyes. "Thrice damned, since when are you so solicitous after my feelings." He would pull himself away from his brother's touch, if only he were not a coward. Loki doesn't love him, Thor is reaching for nothing. Loki would not treat him like this if he loved him

Loki leans into him, puts his head again on Thor's shoulder. His touch and voice are faint. Fucker -- loki loves him, he loves him, how can he not know that he loves him "I always care about your feelings, brother. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I --" He trails off, stops.

Thor waits a beat, and then a scowl forms heavily over his brow. "Is this some new habit of yours, starting sentences and then... " I am calling myself out lol He gestures. When Loki does not look away this time, he urges impatiently, "Well? You what?"

"I cannot seem to disregard your dislike for me." Thor's the one who doesn't love him, where does he get off accusing him of anything--

Thor rolls his eyes. "I've always admired you, Loki, you know that." THOR LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS

"Do I?"

Thor throws up his hands and leans back against the windowglass. "Cleverest man in Asgard!" he exclaims. "Cleverer than our father -- my father," he corrects irritably, this is an important concession -- Thor will concede the wrongs odin has done to loki "yes, all right." He looks at his brother, whose cautious eyes regard him as a that of cornered beast's regarding the hunter. Thor looks at him directly, unyielding. Just fucking talk to him. god. damn. it. "You're strong Loki, and you're brilliant, and you might have been wiser than Odin one day. We all thought it; mother said so all the time. Loki will still accept Frigga as his mother She always said that if I were ever to rule, that there was no better man than you to have at my side, and I thought it to. You have the head for rule, and the heart--" should've just let them marry, losers

Loki shakes his head violently, compulsively. "Not the heart, no. I've never--" He is vibrating, cornered cornered cornered cornered trapped-- his eyes screwed shut, and he does not seem able anymore to choose his own words. "You, you, you're beautiful, you're perfect--" --but what if that's what he wants

"Brother."

"No, you see, I could never see past it, I tried." The set of Loki's face wavers, his pale eyes trapped between two incompatible realities, both truths. (He loves me he loves me not) He looks angry and hopeful, terrified and desperately sad -- snared between belief and doubt. Thor knows that feeling. It is the same feeling caught within his own breast. What if he wants to be owned? "I couldn't envy you for it, so I tried to hate you, but I couldn't. Even when we were apart, even when I thought you lost from me for good, down in that cell." He covers his face with his palms like a child afraid of what's in front of him as if to stopper his own voice, but all he says next it is only muffled instead, "And I could never be happy. All I could ever do was want for things that I couldn't name and couldn't get." It's thor! It's always fuckin been Thor! It's always gonna be

Thor sighs. "I know. Brother, I know." He remembers the devastation that had wrecked him when he thought Loki dead, the way his insides had grown to ice and splintered as Loki had gone cold between his arms. He remembers how Jane's little, lukewarm hands Sarah says this is the fucking sickest burn she's ever heard had brought him up from his knees and he had looked at her as a stranger, comprehending at last that he was in a world of strangers now. His brother was dead and he would never know happiness again. Thor's known. He's known for a while now. He's just been afraid. He's just been a coward. This is the moment he decides to stop being a coward

Loki's eyes search his. Thor doesn't know if he can put to speech what it is his brother is looking for, but he prays that he will find it. See that I love you, see that I want you, see me He chafes Loki's hand in both of his and, lost for words, presses his lips to the back of his own palm. Loki's breath shivers. He whispers, "It is not fair when I've never had room in my heart for anything but you."

When Loki kisses him, it does not feel like a surprise.

The following is meant to be closer to poetry than pornography, but it is still psychic pornography, because I wanna believe that if you're a god there are many different levels upon which you can connect, one of which is physical, one of which is sexual, one of which is psychic/spiritual. This is meant to be literally psychic fwiw. It's physical touch but psychic fucking. This is Loki trying to get some sort of relief while still maintaining a line in the sand.

Thor responds swiftly here you are permitted to feel the sensation of "finally!" along with Thor, sweeping Loki into his lap and holding him there as Loki's vicious mouth yields beneath his. His hands seek skin, and it is given to him freely, gladly; Loki bends to meet him and his clothes part beneath Thor's hands like butter. Loki tastes of quicksilver and of the sun through new leaves, of midwinter firelight and the air after a storm. These are deliberately unquantifiable. I did not want gods to have senses quantifiable to human senses. Thor remembers, now, every touch that has brought them to this, every brotherly assurance, every passing glance, every bruise -- and behind it, always, this bare and incomprehensible yearning.

Loki moans, intimate and open, and the unnameable becomes named, the shame given absolution. The whole of his life snaps suddenly into complete and perfect focus. This has been his monster all along, this clawing want, this unspeakable hunger so constant that it burned at the bottom of his every breath. Unaddressed, unacknowledged its whole long life, it had deformed him. The monster of an unspeakable love lol

As Loki's mouth smears over his cheek, as his light fingers find the seams of their crude, hewn bodies and rend, this is literal; his psychic form is taking apart their physical bodies so that their souls can fuckin touch without interference it feels like standing up after a lifetime spent in a bend; it feels like the first full breath after only ever having sipped on air. Thor knows freedom for the first time he can remember, and the gnawing teeth behind all of his fear and worry and strangling precautions draw back into their ugly heads. The great inviolable question of his soul "why do I feel like I am incomplete?" finds its answer at last: it was Loki. It was only ever Loki.

When he seizes the back of Loki's head and returns him to his mouth, his brother sighs. Thor can feel something stubborn inside of himself give way beneath the hot silk of Loki's skin and the cold marble underneath, literal. I think they are made of the same stuff as Asgard. and then, all at once Thor can feel Loki pouring through him, subtle as smoke, sharp as electricity, Loki is being described in both his and Thor's metaphors now to show that they are becoming joined and when Thor pushes back, Loki opens his soul to him in welcome.

It is elemental, organic, as the way fire consumes or how the heavens turn. It is like every colour bound together into one, like sunlight. Thor can see himself through Loki's eyes, the familiar geography of his features mapped and given beautiful names: the cheekbone by which Loki has measured all other faces; the precise warmth and weight of his hands between which Loki finds his solace and his comfort; his stubborn mouth which Loki has learned for its every curve, its every salacious expression. These are small things, permissable things he has had access to and he keeps them covetously

Thor smashes open the long-kept reservoir of his own stolen inspections, his persistent fascinations, and a flood rises within him of Loki's every aspect which he has held in covetous admiration Thor is utilizing Loki's metaphors: the fine and twining musculature of his neck and arms; the sharp, watchful intelligence behind his eyes; the deft, sinuous migration of his fingers as he weaves his spells. Again, incredibly small, tragically public, accessible, covetous, yearning

Loki holds Thor within himself and Thor knows, psychic fucking knows no tops and bottoms lmao Loki is guiding and Thor is fulfilling, Loki is hosting and Thor is letting himself be consumed. It's equality. all at once, a love so personal as a love of self, glorious as a love of empire, so desperate as a love of air or water or sustenance. Loki lives within all of him and Thor knows now that he lives within Loki as well. They have been half of each other's lives, the whole of the other's hearts, and now with the crude boundaries of their bodies and minds dissolved, Thor knows who he is. He is Loki's. Loki is his. This is truth. Just to know that you are not alone is the greatest relief one can receive, you are loved, you have always been loved.

Loki gasps through his open mouth, sparks igniting in his vision through Thor's eyes. Thor matches him and the both of them tremble beneath the glittering weight that has settled, diaphanous and encompassing over their shoulders. Loki buckles and Thor hides his face into his pulse.

When he catches Loki into his arms, it feels like coming home. And here we deliver on that premise

Thor comes into himself again in pieces. When he opens his eyes, it is difficult to remember how to see again through just his own one eye, how to feel with just his skin. Loki clings to him, draped over his lap, his clothes in ruin, his limbs shivering and soft. They breathe together, as one lung, and Thor cannot stop himself from seeking the white skin of Loki's neck. Ominous His brother moves against him and captures his mouth with his own gasping mouth. His hands spread over Thor's shining arms, caressing, while Thor threads his fingers into Loki's dark, soft hair.

When Loki breaks them apart, it is so gentle that it feels like a promise rather than punishment. I like this line. Thor moans. "Again." "Another!" he's spoiled and entitled but it's being recontextualized here so that it's sexy lol The music is his voice is lost beneath the crush of his desire.

But Loki holds him fast, his panting mouth mere breathes away, only when Thor moves, Loki does not rise to meet him. He shakes his head. "I only wanted to see," he says, drawing a line in the sand, but hey it is just sand as if through a dream. He touches Thor's cheek. His eyes are still shut, and he moves so slowly and clumsily that Thor steals another kiss from him before he can do anything about it.

Thor chuckles. He draws Loki's thumb into his mouth and works the knuckle with his teeth and tongue. Beneath the flickering, golden light, it's not just Loki's color anymore his brother's eyes are nearly black when they open and Thor can hear his naked want calling to his own. Thor grins. "What can I show you, brother?" He shifts a subtle measure and, for a moment, Loki's weight comes off his knees and seats fully into his lap. Damn dude, make it impossible to say no to you, ok nasty

Loki's breath catches. He draws his finger from between Thor's teeth and wets his curving lip. He presses his brow to Thor's, shuddering. His voice crackles as he whispers, "How it might feel to be whole." Loki of wavering convictions that nonetheless hold, can you hold the line here?

"What do you mean?" Thor hums. We know what Loki's talking about here, soul bonded etc, but thor doesn't and hey it's another thing that gets glazed over and hand saved and doesn't get discussed in the moment even tho Loki planned to fucking discuss it His eye drifts open and then shut, and every time he closes it, he can feel the afterimages of Loki's every thought. He reaches out, touches a stray, cold curl of his brother’s building anxiety, and feels it disintegrate into light. Thor tugs on Loki's hands, kisses the hinge of his jaw and a hard coiling knot of it begin to dissolve. Loki protests faintly but he begins to struggle. Thor clamps an arm around his waist. "No, there, sit there a while," Thor insists, putting his bearded cheek against his brother's beating chest and feeling it scratch though Loki's skin. Loki grasps at his forearm. "Stay," Thor says petulantly. "You said you would stay." Thor is being a fuckin child in the way lovers act to gain their lover's indulgence but him literally taking apart Loki's fears is a mainline psychic injection of anti-anxiety meds. This is the best Loki has felt his entire stupid life. You can't blame him for wanting to stay here past the point of practicality

"This is absurd," Loki complains. He shifts on his knees, poorly balanced on the narrow seat. "I am too tall for this."

"I don't care." He touches the back of Loki's hand on his arm and Loki lifts it readily. Thor lines their fingertips together and Loki slips his in between. He wants to put Loki onto his back and learn the taste of his heartbeat through his skin. He wants to touch his hidden thoughts and secret melancholies and learn their every shape and texture. He wants to spread his brother out into pieces, evenly, meticulously, until he is naught but motes of shimmering dust and Thor is the same. This is fighting dirty

"I do not think I could bear it if you tried for decorum right now." Thor lifts his head, smiling, his throat fully bared, and Loki touches it in wonderment, his protests forgotten. Thor would let him hurt him. He doesn't want to. But God. Thor trusts him not to hurt him.

"I would know..." this is the oath of consummation. This is the line he hadn't meant to cross, but now that he's here it just doesn't make sense not to Thor hears his brother murmur, so low that Thor thinks he might have imagined it. But then Loki smiles. "Take me to bed then." He kisses Thor softly. "I am cold."

This second sex scene was not in the original blueprint. I added it bc I wanted Thor to have an opportunity to explicitly give, I wanted an expression of play as expression of trust, and I also wanted the marriage oaths. I ended up writing two separate versions of this, one of which had all 3 elements I was intending, and the one I ended up using, which only had two. Intention has to give way to actual practical usage at some point, so this ended up being largely repetitive of things I've already said because it simply did not suit the mood to go between the previous scene (crying, emotionally fraught) to the next scene (more crying, still emotionally fraught but about different stuff) with this weird sexy interlude in the middle. So I settled with marriage oath and developing Thor. It's not ideal.

Thor lifts him easily, and Loki lets him -- he lets him, god, the things Thor can do now that Loki will let him, now that he is permitted. Things only go forward because loki allows them to go forward! He sets Loki atop the bedclothes and Loki watches him with unadorned hunger as Thor steps back and works deftly at the clasps and buckles of his chestplate.

"Come," he calls quietly when Thor is sufficiently bare, and he receives Thor into his bed as if he has been doing it all his life. Ensconced within the bedsheets, Loki arranges them so that they are half on top of one another. Thor kisses him again and Loki makes small, infuriating, amenable sounds as his hands drift aimlessly over Thor's skin.

But Thor wants more. He would bring Loki to the very brink of his own body, damp-skinned and pleading for Thor's mercy.

Loki groans oh whoops guess who forgot to psychically disconnect and shivers as Thor manoeuvres him beneath his body. He would bend as Thor would bend him; he would unfurl however Thor would unfurl him. Thor knows this. He tastes his brother's anticipation and acquiescence like spilt wine. Already his elegant hands manacle themselves to the crossbars of his headboard at Thor's behest, his flanks and front spread and stretched deliciously for Thor's tasting mouth.

Thor cups his palm beneath the bend of Loki's knee, and lifts it smoothly back. The colours of Loki's mind ignite and darken. "I would know thee by thy body," he says, but it is Loki's oaths that come out. Loki groans. Thor blinks, returns, and slowly grins.

"And I would my body give to thee," Thor finishes. These are a husband and wife's consummation oaths. These are the oaths taken upon marriage. They would both know this, so it wouldn't make sense for me to explain it in the narration. I tried to get that across by elevating the diction into something unnatural. Take what you want from the order in which they're said and the fact that they are said in pieces between the two of them. I mean it to be equality. In the public version of these oaths they would have said both lines together. He waits a moment as the disbelief twists his brother's face and then resolves. Loki looks at him, new marvel in his eyes. Thor has just promised to be his and only his. He has promised to take Loki to be his and only his. All limiters are off. This is Loki's freedom, finally found, finally given He surges suddenly and kisses Thor, and then Thor is awash in his brother's soaring relief, his bottomless joy. His mind comes away lurid with the places of his body that Loki has imagined Thor's hands, his mouth. Loki shuts his eyes as Thor lays him back. He covers his face with his wrists. Too much emotion. Thor is still not allowed to see that. It's too private. "Yes," he breathes. "To thee."

The great yawning pit of his want joins Thor's in the bottom of his stomach, as Thor fits them together and then fits himself inside.

Loki moves with him, pulled by the same tide, moved by the same moon. The geography of Loki's soul opens for him and Thor arrives upon it softly. Loki fills him, envelopes him, and Thor touches through his every thought and sensation as it passes through his grasp. It will never be enough, Thor despairs, though he is not certain if it is his thought or Loki's when it emerges. This was what Loki had meant; this was the danger all along. They've been given a single mouthful of kindness and now must know what it is to live without. I like this line They could each live ten thousand years and spend every minute of it in each other's arms, and it would not be enough.

But Loki shakes his head and opens his dark eyes. "It can be," he says, almost voiceless. "It has to be." He pulls his heels into the small of Thor's back and brings him closer. "I could not bear it otherwise." Classic moribund irony. He winds his fingers into the damp buzz of Thor's hair and pulls him down to him. "Kiss me and let us dwell no more on it," he says, and Thor does as he is told, grateful, overcome, knowing the end but willing for forever. This is at least partially Loki, trying real hard not to think about how he's probably gonna die soon, trying to stop Thor from knowing

Power builds within his body, ready and aching. Outside the window, a swirl of cosmic dust churns, violet explosions flashing through violet clouds. I have meta about this lol He glows beneath his skin, but Loki opens his mouth to him and catches his kiss as if he were tasting rain. I like this line He shudders as he comes, as Thor follows him, as Thor's blue lightning fills him, holds him gently, wreathes them both. Is this somehow more intimate than sex? Maybe so

Loki allows him fold them together again afterwards, allows Thor to arrange them so that they can see each other as they lay together breathing. Thor's pulse is quiet within him even as his heart hums with one harmonious note. The great storm of his life, the one he had never even known he was weathering, has ended. Big sad :( Thor is clean, new, and the long, long past recedes easily beneath the placid waves. He looks into his brother's smooth, flushed face and he sees his future. IRONY

Thor puts his lips to his brother's brow and smiles against his skin. "I adore you," as in worship as in religious terror Loki says in a small voice. His fingers tighten at Thor's waist and Thor lifts his chin so that Loki may tuck himself beneath it. Movement against each other is very easy in this moment. They're completely in synch. They both feel great about that, but only Loki understands the fridge horror

Thor laughs drowsily. "I know that," he says. Thor thinks he means it in the colloquial sense "You don't know how glad it makes me." Loki's dark hair has fallen from its part and it drags in cool coils across Thor's arm. Thor puts his hand through it, sweeping it back and his brother looks up at him, his eyes sober.

"I do," Loki says. His mind, always working, momentarily quietened, moils once more. Thor frowns. He can feel this now. He can feel Loki making himself panic "It is beyond reason, brother. It is more than anything; it is more than life." Placating, Thor touches his cheek and Loki turns into him immediately. This is the beginning of the horror of being known and having what you want. Now there is nothing to stop you. He kisses Thor's palm. "You could skin me like a lamb and my last thought would be how I love you," he says fiercely.

Thor turns his face. "I would not," he says, horrified. "I would never." Loki's brows gain a troubled furrow but he looks away, assenting. Thor strokes the furl with his thumb until Loki relinquishes it. He takes Thor's hand and kisses it once more, then lets it slide back into his hair. Thor strokes him and says more softly, "And what does it matter if it is beyond reason, if I am the same?" This is beyond Thor's concepts of justice. he is still on the axiom of equality. if loki has what Thor has and Thor has what Loki has, then who is being wronged? Loki is, and the wrong is far deeper than Thor has context for

"No, but can't you see?" Loki drops his head into Thor's shoulder again. "This --" he gestures miserably. "This is unnatural." He's referring to the adoration

"How do you mean?" Thor lets him hide. If it makes it easier for him, Thor will hide him from himself. "So we are lovers now," he says and feels Loki's breath hitch. Oh boy just COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT LIKE IT'S NOT AT ALL WEIRD it's not weird to Thor, it's just how things should have always been "So what? We share no blood, and even if we did, who would challenge it?" He strokes the line of his back until Loki breathes again, however raggedly. "We are kings of Asgard, brother, what authority reigns higher?" A laugh escapes him on a wet, choked breath and Thor rocks him, lightly, forming himself around the warm, solid, precise weight of him.

"Don't cry," he says. "Don't make yourself miserable. We've found each other now. I love you, and I have wanted you all my life." He kisses his brother's damp cheek. "I was blind not to see it before but I do see it now." Stop stop he's already so happy he can't breathe

Loki pulls back and looks at him. His smile is wistful and pained. "You may say to me every beautiful word that I have ever wished to hear, and it would still be true." Thor isn't just saying this tho. These aren't just sentiments he's gleaned from Loki's mind, said aloud bc he thinks Loki would like to hear them. If Loki even suspected that he were saying these things just to placate him, this would all be over right here, but he's not. He actually means this. He actually is this generous. That might hurt worse. He unwinds himself from Thor's limbs and rises up to his elbows. Thor touches his arm, deploring the loss, as Loki wipes at his face with the backs of his wrists. "It is not the quality of love but the quantity of it," he says bitterly. He pulls at Thor's grip. "Let go," he says, quieter. "When you touch me, I can feel you inside my head." Ey

"Yes," Thor accedes cautiously, but he does it anyway because his brother asks, "and you're inside mine." Loki sits up from the bed in one determined movement and slides off the side. Thor sits up as well, alarmed. "What's the matter?"

His brother is at his closet, and Thor watches as, one at a time, pieces dissolve from their hangers and resolve themselves on Loki's skin. Back to the grind, back to remembering that feeling naked is bad

"Loki." Thor crosses the room to where Loki is standing and catches him by the elbow. A wall of dread goes up in his brother's mind, but Thor pushes past it, back into the centre of him. Loki turns to him, expressions of fear and fury, gratefulness and regret warring in the tiny movements of his brow and lips. Thor kisses him, and as before, Loki returns it without hesitation. this was a mistake. He has no control anymore. It's everything he's ever wanted but he's lost all he's ever had Thor steeps into it every measure of affection he can muster, every tender feeling and assurance. His brother falters, but he steps into him. His hands waver as he slips them around the back of Thor's neck. Oh but what has he gained

"Tell me what is the matter," Thor says again as he pulls his brother back into his arms.

Loki shakes his head. "You don't understand, I never." His hands fist against Thor's shoulders as Thor absently tucks a strand of his dark hair back behind his ear, and he nearly sobs. Loki takes a breath. "You know nothing; you deserve to know," he bites out. "This is not you or me. We are cursed. Odin cursed us." Soul bond but make! It! Cursed!

#internal thorki fic tag #DVD extras for PFYTTC

[dbzebra]

Hey new follower and big Vegeta fan here, you say that Goku has progressed a lot as a character, want to emphasize on that? i don't doubt you at all, hell i like him a lot too, but i never got really invested so i'm actually curious, i want to hear your thoughts and open my eyes! lol

Hey! I’d be glad to.

Let me preface by just saying that I think Vegeta is probably one of the most developed in the series, and after years of dealing with snide comments/anons from certain fans about how Goku sucks and Vegeta is better and all I’m a little snippy in that regard so I hope you didn’t take that personally! Sorry lol

Goku’s growth is subtle, but comparing Pilaf arc Goku to even 23rd WT Goku there’s a league of difference despite him still being the same person.

I’ll prolly butcher this explanation cause for some reason I always blank with asks like this (not your fault lol) but oh well here we go

Goku starts off as a little kid who knows nothing about the world before meeting Bulma. He taps peoples crotches to tell if their male or female, has absolutely no self awareness and no tact whatsoever lol. But throughout even the Pilaf arc you see Goku to start to adjust to normal society and being around people. Bulma just her sicking him in people like a lapdog. But after this he’s much more pragmatic between deciding to go find Roshi and going after his dragon ball. At first for selfish reasons and later more selfless, which I personally believe is partly thanks to Eighter.

Speaking of which, Roshi/Jackie Chun’s speech to him stuck with Goku for life and I don’t think people realize that. “There’s always someone better or stronger, so never stop improving yourself.” And that’s Goku. He doesn’t do it for anything other than to improve himself, which Vegeta finally acknowledges in his monologue during the final Kid Buu fight.

Anyway Goku first hand experiences loss when Krillin dies and dudes out for blood. He ignores everyone and rushes after Tambourine not once byt twice. Never before did Goku kill an enemy who was legit running away either. After this he never does this again until GT.

For example, take 23rd WT. Teen Goku was chill and cool about seeing Jr. but Kid Goku would’ve rushed him instantly like he did when he first saw Kami. Kid Goku was super stubborn but when he got older he became a lot more levelheaded with things.

It’s in Z where we really see how he changed. Goku slacked off on his training, only improving a little bit during the 5 years after Piccolo to spend with his wife and child. (Also it’s canon Goku spoiled Gohan. The way Gohan clings to him is obvious of that to me. And the way he says “Daddy’s here!” When he goes to save him after Raditz took him.

Gokus whole character arc in the first half of Z is accepting his Saiyan heritage. He was sent away because he was trash and a low class and Goku says to Vegeta that he was glad to be sent away / deemed weak because that was what led him to being sent to Earth and led him to meet his friends and family. (It’s why I hate Minus so much, it contradicts ALL of that)

for a while he kept saying “I’m not a Saiyan, my name is Goku and I’m from Earth” but by the time he fought Freeza its “I’m a Saiyan from Earth” and then of course Goku’s I am a Super Saiyan speech

Then later on in Cell/Buu he becomes more passive and wants the next generation to take over because he’s not gonna be around forever and his sons are stronger / have the potential to be far stronger than he ever was. So he starts pushing Gohan and later Goten and Trunks, going as far as not killing Buu because “im dead, I shouldn’t be here, it’s not my place”

He spares Piccolo purely to save Kami/the DBs, he spares Vegeta cause he wants to fight him again, and spares Freeza not to fight him, but because he wanted Freeza to be humiliated and afraid. Didn’t work. Gave him energy out of pity. Didn’t work. And that final attack killed him as far as Goku was concerned.

After that he stopped trying to spare his opponents. While he didn’t spare Buu he Lowkey wanted to and admitted he would’ve liked to fight Buu as a good person which is the conclusion to that + the next gen passing the torch throughout the latter half of Z

And then in GT he’s just really mature but bored as hell. I like to think that scene with those two guys from Home Alone “kidnap” him he’s just playing along. Just watching Goku in Baby Saga especially feels like how he’d be as a seasoned fighter now master just wanting a challenge but Lowkey sick and tired of guys threatening his home and his family. Him making the deal with Shenron (which is another whole thing in itself I can go into seperately) really shows how far he came. Basically sacrifices himself to make one last wish for the good of earth. Overall Still a goofball deep down but he’s super serious and doesn’t take any bullshit. I

I’m not gonna go into DBS Goku cause well I haven’t seen DBS in years, have no interest in going back to it and well DBS Goku was OOC a lot anyway

Hope this clears stuff up :)

#Goku

[normal-thoughts-official]

Thoughts on rizzy 👀

jdndkdndidndidn ok so if u wanted a rizzy-positive answer...... avert ur eyes

the one thing positive (?) i can say about rizzy is that it really brought us some of the softest raphael moments, but i also lowkey hate that cuz wow, we really got him to talk about his sister, his past, see some of his interests, his softness, his pains, his smiles because of rizzy... so it's all related to rizzy 💀 which is why you might see some gifsets from rizzy scenes in my blog, i think this might have been what brought this on. i enjoy those scenes as scenes that establish raphael's character, but not as rizzy

and shoutout to sh as usual for only bothering with giving a coc depth, backstory, desires and etc when they were someone's love interest and then dropping them like a hot potato. like bro imagine if they had at least bothered with keeping raphael's characterisation consistent? id be over the moon already. if they had actually made him a person like when rizzy was a thing for the whole show on top of that?? fuck i think id explode in happiness

other than that..... i hate everything about it. and like, it being based on addiction aside (which is already, like, bad, but i could maybe ship them in an alternate reality where the addiction wasn't a thing and they were fine if it was only that), the whole thing was literally Izzy Treats Raphael Like Shit And Then Raphael Is Villainized For It

im not even gonna get into the whole "raphael is blamed for the yin fen thing for some fucking reason when that was not his fucking fault and no one questions this" thing because ive done it before and i might explode with rage if i do, lol. that fucking plotline would have never been handled like that if raphael wasn't latino and therefore a predator drug dealer stereotype. but ANYWAY

those are the two things that i see anti rizzy shippers talking about the most, but those are actually not what bothers me the most. what really drives me up the wall and is just vomiting emoji is the way izzy treats raphael. that's the dealbreaker for me and something that never gets acknowledged

like, for starters, raphael was once again shown to be one of the most caring and selfless characters in this piece of shit stupid show, when he saved izzy's life when she was stupid enough to actually go to a vampire den. she had done nothing but be shitty to him and the vampires up to that point, mind you (which some ppl in this fandom treat as like #GirlPower or something) but he still saved her life for no reason other than that was the right thing to do

and then she immediately, the same second, tried to trigger him into drinking her blood. and he kept telling her no and pushing her away and she was literally GRABBING him and slitting her wrist and then he caved, at great personal cost, which she didn't care about

fine

then we get her going after him again, and raphael, again, being the caring and selfless bastard that he is, does something so monumentally kind and dangerous that it still blows me away: he tells her about his addiction

and i know that ppl in this fandom love to act as if every single thing raphael did for the sake of other characters, particularly the shadowhunters and simon, is just, like, expected and no big deal. but raphael didn't owe izzy that. he didn't have to tell izzy that. hell, he didn't even have to save izzy's life when she went to the den, for all he knew it was all a trick or something. and telling her, someone he doesn't even know, a shadowhunter, not only one of his greatest secrets, not only one of his greatest vulnerabilities, but the single hardest and most painful moment of his life, a whole can of worms about his past that he just bared to her just like that, was just. so much. it was such a huge thing that he did for her, okay. and let's not forget that raphael is a private person, both for survival and because he just is

he basically opened up his biggest wound and showed it to her only because it could bring her some sort of comfort. it wouldn't even help her greatly. it wouldn't even change anything about her situation. it would bring just maybe a little bit of comfort and advice, at great personal cost, way greater than the good it would bring her. and he still did it, because raphael cares, especially when he sees someone going through something he went through as well. just so he could tell her that it gets better, that she's not alone. that he understands

and she fucking!! immediately!!!! uses that against him!!!!!! and continues to try to trigger his addiction again and again and again and again!!!! may i just say, WHAT THE FUCK

EVERY SINGLE TIME she tries to get him to drink her blood, it's not consensual, it's forced. he always hesitates, always tries to push her away, always turns his head. and she just pushes him anyway. even after she knows that he's been through this before. that it almost destroyed him. she knows exactly what she's triggering and bringing on, and she! does! it! anyway!!

watching some of the rizzy scenes, particularly the one where they are cooking together, makes me want to cry for him, because it's so obvious that what he's looking for is a deeper connection, someone to trust, to love, and what she's looking for is someone to satisfy her need. and look, i know addiction is terrible. but he's ALSO addicted. and again, i've met plenty of ppl who struggled with addiction, and they were able of, you know, not treating others like this

it drives me crazy! raphael lets her into his home, teaches her how to cook, opens up about the SINGLE SECRET ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT EXCEPT FOR MAGNUS, and generally tries to have a good time with her, and not only does she immediately make his attempt at having a meaningful bonding time about him drinking her blood, but does it RIGHT AFTER HE TELLS HER ABOUT HIS SISTER??? it literally goes "here is my deepest most important secret that pains me greatly and is destroying me inside. oh, i said too much. i should have kept my mouth shut" "i'd rather you didn't *slits own wrist and makes him drink her blood*". like, girl, at least a word of comfort first??? a "you can tell me whatever you like"? an "i'm fucking sorry for your loss" maybe???????????? SHE TREATED HIM LIKE AN OBJECT

and also SHOUT THE FUCK OUT to "i didn't take you for a community service kind of guy", which granted is a minor thing to be upset about in the middle of this shitstorm, but still makes me want to rip my hair off. girl!! he's been doing nothing ever since you first met but helping you selflessly and getting only PAIN in return. like is she for real??? he went out of his way SO many times to help her, when he had NO reason to, not a single one. and she's still like "oh wow raphael cares about others?? im shocked" UDBDIDNDKSMSOSNSOSNSISBSUSBDUDBDIDNDIDNDI ARE YOU SERIOUSSSS

it's really such a revealing moment to me because it really shows that she didn't give any thought about everything he'd done for her. all the endless kindness and care, in the literal sense of TAKING CARE OF, that he offered her without a second thought. she never stopped to think about what it cost him. the fact that he didn't OWE IT TO HER, and thus it says something about his CHARACTER, because he CHOSE to help her. over and over and over again!!! AFTER SHE BETRAYED HIM MORE THAN ONCE. it never even crossed her mind! she just took it for granted, like it's what he was supposed to do, or something

and then!!!!!!! even after they go their separate ways!! and raphael is STILL caring for her and making sure she's okay! she decides to betray him one last time and have simon threaten his sister!!! and ill be honest i dont remember the reason for this, but i do remember that it wasn't fucking life and death, so like!!! it was just unnecessarily cruel and shitty of her and the biggest FUCK YOU to him and his trust. AND IT WASN'T NECESSARY AT ALL. like. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and at this point izzy was recovering so it's just like. i get that before that we were literally seeing izzy at her ugliest, she even fought alec and said some shit that she definitely didn't mean at all and that was shitty and hurtful. so like obviously we were seeing izzy in her darkest, worst, most selfish, most hurt. which is why i can maybe cut her some slack for some shit (also i just realized i literally forgot that she straight up THREATENED HIM WITH A KNIFE god there is really So Much To Unpack Here), but at that point? at that point she had no excuse. she was recovering. this didn't even have anything to do with her addiction anyway. she was just proving that raphael's trust, his care, his fucking feelings, they meant nothing to her

like seriously! she could at least have the decency to go, after raphael was very obviously kind and considerate to me, maybe i should not conspire against him and bring forward his most important secret? i don't think i'm asking her for much here

and it also ends a circle of raphael opening up to her and trusting her and she betraying that trust EVERY SINGLE TIME! the literal single only thing he told her that she didn't use against him was his asexuality. which look, thank god, cuz that would have been way too ugly and uncalled for, but the bar is low here

(ok, maybe rizzy gets a shoutout for having raphael's asexuality be treated so naturally. especially coming from such an overtly sexual character like izzy. it was nice to have that. i also think that her whole line about how for the first time sex wasn't a big part of a relationship for her could have been explored in so many interesting ways. like it is obvious that izzy uses her sexuality as a way to gain confidence and prove her value and it would be cool to see that being addressed beyond throwaway lines, maybe talk a bit about hypersexualization of woc. but this is shadowhunters we're talking about so of course nah)

so like okay izzy gets a Not An Aphobe But Still Shitty badge for basically using raphael like he existed to provide her. and in short this is why i can't get into rizzy, not even in a very very alternate reality where it all went different and the way they met had nothing to do with addiction. because she really didn't care enough about him and he deserves so much better than this

and again, i know that izzy was at her damn lowest in that point, but i think that even if she weren't, ultimately their incompatibility still lies there - raphael is too selfless and izzy is not attuned to that. she would take what he offered and not really spare it a thought, even if she didn't mean to like, Use Him (cuz i dont think izzy meant to use him even in canon), like it was just expected. and he wouldn't point that out. and it would be. ugh

and yeah i think that summarizes my thoughts dudndjdn im sorry for the angry very long rant, i just started talking and it all was pouring out suddenly. i promise im not mad, i just...... have strong feelings about this whole thing

#anti rizzy #anti izzy lightwood #anti sh #anti sh fandom #salt #discourse #ask #anonymous #long post