#rather than just kind of needing to better

[yourlocalmerchgirl]

Hopeful

Soft! Jackson Joel Miller x Neurodivergant/ ADHD F!reader

Summary: Joel hasn't felt hopeful since before the outbreak, that is before he meets you when he arrives in Jackson. Hes falling for you, but you couldn't possible fee the same way, could you?

Soft! Jackson Joel miller x Neurodivergant\ ADHD reader AU

MDNI 18+ NSFW

Warnings: unspecified age gap (i wrote this with reader in her early 30s and Joel in is early 50s but no ages are specifically said) soft Joel, concerned Joel, protective Joel, Neurodivergant, audio overstimulation, anxiety. He falls first. Match maker Ellie. Smut. Oral (F! receiving) Fingering, heavy make out sessions. Joel's chatty. body imagine issues, low self-esteem. Swearing, dirty talk. Praise.

A/N: Man this story really got away from me! what i thought would be a short story turned out to be rather length but im proud as hell of this story and i hope you enjoy!

There’s not a lot of descriptors about reader other than eye color and mentions of curves/ plush but they can easily be changed.

Hopeful.

Hopeful wasn’t something Joel felt since before the outbreak. But when he met you, it started brewing slow and low just below the surface until he couldn’t deny it anymore, couldn’t push it away any longer. You made him feel hopeful.

“Dude if you stare much longer the whole town is gonna notice.” Ellie teases as she jabs Joel with her elbow.

“Oh stop it, I wasn’t staring”

“You’ve been looking at her for like 10 minutes, just go sit with her”

Joel turns away quickly feeling his face getting red. He thought he was doing a better job of keeping his fondness for you hidden. He figured there was no way you’d share the same feelings, why would you like a guy like him? Old, beat up, and someone the whole town talked about. He figured there just wasn’t any way.

“She don’t want me bothering her” Joel shrugs

“Im not lying when I say she asks about you when you haven’t been to the stables yet.”

A slight smile tugs at Joel’s lips, he always asks Ellie about you too.

“Go sit with her”Ellie nudges him

Joel let’s out a nervous sigh and makes his way over to your table.

You’re fully engrossed in your book that you don’t notice Joel standing there for a moment.

“Is this seat taken darlin’?”

You don’t even have to look to know it’s Joel, you’d know his voice anywhere.

You chuckle, looking up at him with that smile and those big beautiful hazel eyes he loved so much.

“What’s funny?”

“Unless Ellie and Dina are sitting with me, that seats never taken”

Joel frowns at your comment.

“You want some company? It ok if I sit?”

“I’d love some” you say trying not too seem to eager but your bursting with butterflies over Joel wanting to sit with you. Your smile happens automatically, like it always does with Joel.

You’d been fond of Joel since him and Ellie arrived in Jackson. Despite all the whispers about him in town, his presence always calmed you in a way nobody ever had, you couldn’t explain it even if you tried. You absolutely adored Ellie from the moment you met her, Joel always telling you she trusts you in a way he’s never seen before.

The two of you fall into comfortable small talk as you both finish breakfast.

“Didn’t see you at the town dance last night”

“That’s because I didn’t go, you went?”

“Well Ellie and Dina wanted to go cause they’re always reading about dances in the diaries they find, so I went too. Plus Ellie’s always teasin’ me that I need to get out more”

“I don’t normally go to stuff like that, I’m too awkward and I don’t want people asking me to dance because they feel bad.”

“Now I’m sure there would be lots of people who’d like to dance with you” Joel has all he can do not to tell you he’d show up to dance with you everytime if he knew you’d be there.

“That’s really kind of you to say, but incase you haven’t noticed the people here don’t really know how to take me.”

“You headin to the stables?” Joel already knows the answer. He knows it’s not your day to work at the stables but he asks anyways because he doesn’t want the conversation to end.

“ No, today I’m working on getting the little town library set up, now that you and Tommy are finished building the shelves, I’d like to open it soon.”

“Y’need any help? I’m off my normal duties today”

“Oh no, it’s ok. You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to bother you on your free time”

“It’s really no trouble at all, I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to help” Joel’s jokes, smiling at you.

Your laugh.

He’d give anything to hear your laugh over and over again.

“And I guess I wouldn’t accept if I didn’t want help and company” you teased back, trying to stifle the giggle that bubbles up.

She wants company, my company?

The two you you load up the first wagon full of books and wheel across the center of town to the little store front soon to be the The Jackson Town Library.

“Here we can unload them. Then I can keep making the trips back and forth with the cart while you set them up in the shelves”

“Sounds like a deal to me. Why don’t we make like 3-4 trips and stop for the day. Because if not we’re both the type of people to work on our whole day off.”

“You got yourself a deal sweetheart”

Joel can’t help but smile as he turns to make the second trip. There was just something about the way you made him feel at ease, that he couldn’t get over.

When Joel returned with the second load of books he found you and Ellie chatting as she was helping you.

“What was it like to have a birthday party and sleepovers?” Ellie asks you.

“What makes you ask that?” You ask chuckling a little.

“Well I’ve been reading about them in the people from before the outbreaks diaries but I never had either of them”

“They were fun for a lot of people, I um didn’t really have a lot of friends, so my birthday parties were always mostly family. And I only ever went to a few sleep overs. I was always so excited to be included when I got to go to them.”

It breaks Joel’s heart listening to you and Ellie talking. It wasn’t fair that Ellie never got to experience what life was like before the outbreak, never really getting a childhood. Hearing you talking about how hard and lonely your life was even as a child tore him up. You were different sure, but you had a heart of gold. You were so caring, always supporting everyone who needed something and all you wanted was love and care in return.

He wanted to be that person for you so badly, the one who made your heart soar with all the love and support you never had. To be the one to make you laugh on the good days and take you into his arms and take the pain away on the bad days.

He’s not sure exactly when he started to fall for you, but it was coming on faster and stronger by the day.

“My birthday is next weekend, could I have a birthday party?”

You looked up locking eyes with Joel

“Of course you can, we can throw you a birthday party Ellie” you smile at him as you answer.

We. She wants to help me throw a birthday party for Ellie? There’s no bounds to how wonderful and caring this woman is.

“ I of course want to invite you, Dina, Jesse, Ethan, uncle Tommy and Maria. Ooo can I have a sleep over?”

“No boys are sleeping over”

You can’t help but laugh at Joel’s abrupt response.

“Eww no of course not, but Dina and (y/n) could stay over couldn’t they?”

“ yes if they want to they are more then welcome”

“Oh this is awesome, I gotta go tell everyone!”

“Wait, shouldn’t you ask if (y/n) wants too?” Joel’s looking at you to gage your reaction

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it for the world”

Ellie smiles wildly as she runs out of the store front.

——————————————————————

The day came for Ellie’s party, and you loaded up your wagon with all the supplies and headed over there early to help set up.

“Jesus you’ve got a lot of stuff, you didn’t have to go through all this trouble”

“I know but I really wanted to make this as special as I could for her. She deserves to have the experiences she never got too”

Your big heart made Joel’s soar, you were so kind and thoughtful.

“ I do have a big surprise for her, for all the kids really”

“Oh yea? What do you have up your sleeve?” Joel teases.

“So I went through some boxes that had been in the house in one of the closets. I never bothered to before because it’s not like I really have a lot of stuff so they weren’t in the way. But I wanted to see if there was anything I could use for Ellie’s party and man I hit the jackpot”

Joel just smirks and raises a eyebrow signaling you to continue.

“Well one I found another Will Livingston pun book, which she’s going to love and I found a Nintendo console with a bunch of game cartridges. I figured we could teach the kids how to play and then Ellie can keep it”

There it is again, we. Maybe I’m reading into this to much. But I can’t help but feel like she actually likes spending time with me.

“Shit, they’re all going to love it! Man I haven’t played with one of these in ages”

“Me either, I was never any good at them and the sounds drove me crazy”

Joel relished moments like this, when you pulled back the curtain you shielded yourself with and let him see you.

You sat there completely content and full of joy watching Joel teach the kids how to play each game before he joined you on the couch as they went crazy battling each other.

As the kids cheer and the Mario music blasts Joel looks over to see you struggling. Your eyes shut tightly, chest rising and falling quicker than normal

“Hey, want to have a drink in the kitchen?” Joel whispers as he places his hand lightly on your arm.

“Please” you whisper, embarrassed that Joel saw you like that.

You sit at the kitchen table while Joel takes out two glasses with ice and pours whiskey doubles into them.

“Everything alright darlin’?” Joel ask as he takes his seat sliding your glass over to you.

“Oh..yea..everything’s alright” you say staring down at the amber liquid. Embarrassment flooding your system.

“I ain’t gonna push you if you don’t want to talk and I know I probably ain’t your first choice of someone to talk to, but just know you can talk to me.”

Joel desperately wants to know about your struggles, what makes you the way you are. He wants to be the one that helps you through life, the one who makes the bad days good and the good days better. But he pushes aside the thoughts that you’d want to be more than just friends, if you even considered him that. Because after all why would a girl like you like someone like him, could he really be that lucky?

You think about your answer for a few beats, and realize there’s no use trying to lie to Joel. There was just something about Joel that was comforting, that made you feel safe, but in a different way than the way you felt with Tommy you just couldn’t put your finger on it.

“No its not at all like that. I like talking to you.” You don’t miss the way Joel’s eyes light up a little.

“It’s just….I usually just retreat into myself, it’s easier that way. Most people don’t want to hear about my weird issues that can’t be solved with a why don’t you just ignore it?, why can’t you just change? Can’t you be a little less weird?” You said with a defeated shrug.

You wanted to talk to Joel, but part of you hoped he would just change the subject and move on. Because your quiet sure he doesn’t actually want to hear about your ADHD and all the weird idiosyncrasies that came with it.

“Well I’m not most people” he drawled as he lightly touched your arm. Nodding his head to encourage you to continue.

Truthfully he wanted to hear anything you wanted to tell him, Joel wanted to be your comfort point, the person that you went to for anything. To be the person you felt the safest with, to let your tired shoulders relax from holding up that wall around yourself. Letting your true self shine, free from judgement and surrounded by the love you deserve.

“I have sensory issues, especially with audio and textures. It’s hard to explain and it’s been along time since anyone wanted me too, so bare with me because some of this isn’t going to make a whole lot of sense.”

“You take all the time you need sweetheart, there no rush or pressure. I’m here for you”

Joel can’t help but notice your eyes soften and body langue relax a little when you realize he’s got you, that he’s hear for you and truly listening.

“I get overwhelmed easily by a lot of sounds happening at once, like in there with the sounds of the game and all the yelling and cheering at the same time makes my brain feel scrambled up. Like I can’t sort any of it out, it just sounds like one big mixing bowl of sounds. And when that happens I get anxious, my heart starts to pound, my ears ring and sometimes I lash out coming off to aggressive in the moment to try and make it stop.”

“ you’ve been around enough at the stables, you’ve probably heard me come on a little to strong with a razor sharpe tongue when it all gets to much. I always feel so bad, I never mean to snap. But sometimes when it’s so overwhelming it’s like I have no control of my tongue and I just blurt it out before I even realize I’m saying anything.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Ask me anything you’d like and I’ll do my best to answer”

“I don’t want this to come out wrong, I’m realizing now this might sound a little weird. But I’ve noticed you fuss with your clothes, like your pulling them away from your skin constantly, is-is that part of the sensitivity?”

You can’t help but look at Joel for a few beats to long, stunned by his question. Not because of the way he worded it but because of the context of his question, that fact that he’s picked up on your discomfort and is curious about it instead of just asking why you can’t just deal with it like everyone else ever has.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean t’make you uncomfortable” Joel says taking your silence as a bad sign.

“No, you didn’t at all. I just got lost in the thought of you being so observant but always wanting to know.”

“I always want to ask if your alright but I never want to pry, I know you like your space”

You can’t help the smile that dances across your face.

“You can ask me anything Joel, if I’m not comfortable answering I’d tell you.”

“But yes, the clothing thing is part of it. The texture of some fabrics against me make me want to crawl out of my skin. It’s hard sometimes for me to fall asleep too because the way the blankets and sheets touch my skin doesn’t feel right. I know it’s weird, I can’t really explain it.”

“It’s not just with clothing or fabric either, it’s physical touch too, which is the worst to get people to understand. I hate being touched, the feeling of most people touching me makes my skin crawl. And they love to brush it off by being like oh well I’m a huggy person or oh I’m just a touchy person so it’s ok.”

“I’m sorry, I know Ellie hugs you all the time and I know I touched you earlier”

“See now this is the most frustrating and complicated part about this. There are people like you, Ellie and Tommy that are in my bubble that I’m comfortable with, that I trust, that that kind of contact is welcome from.”

She likes when I touch her? Am I a welcome presence for her? I’ll drive myself crazy thinking about this too hard, but maybe just maybe she’s trying to tell me she feels the same as I do?

“Then the flip side of it is that there are also sounds that bring me so much comfort, like songs that I could listen to on repeat without batting an eye. The sound of someone’s voice that brings me back to earth when the anxiety is unrelenting. A scent that soothes me beyond explanation.”

Joel can’t help but let his thoughts run wild, indulging in the thought that you might be talking about him. He’s about to ask about your comment when Ellie barges into the kitchen.

“Oh sorry to interrupt” she says when she realizes you two are deep in conversation.

“Oh no it’s ok, you probably just saved me from really embarrassing myself” you chuckle

Joel doesn’t miss the way you stiffen up, as if you feel like you’ve said to much.

“ I’m ready to watch my birthday movie but I’m also really ready for the guys to leave so it’s just the four of us, could you kick them out?”

“ course I can do that, we’ll be right in”

You quickly get up from the table to follow after Ellie.

“Hang on, sweetheart” Joel says softly as he reaches for your arm.

“Can-can I give you a hug? Or rather would you like a hug?”

You can feel the embarrassment really take hold as you pull your eyes to the floor. He had no idea how much you wanted a hug from him and you had no idea how badly he wanted to hug you.

“I would like that” you said meekly as you nod your head. If Joel wasn’t listening intently, hanging on your every word he would of missed it

He takes a few steps closer to you hesitating for a couple beats before he wraps his arms you.

As if you’d been waiting for this moment, your entire body relaxes under his touch. Joel can’t help but notice they way you bury your head into his chest as you wrap your arms around him tighter. The way you stay there in his arms for longer than he expects, like your completely at ease in this moment.

“Thank you….thank you for listening. For letting me talk.” You whisper

“Thank for trusting me, for letting me in” he whispers back.

——————————————————————

It had been a few months since Ellie’s birthday party and Joel couldn’t help but boil over with happiness at seeing more of you. You started coming around often and listening to him play guitar on the porch after your walks with Ellie. You started joining them for family meals more in the mess hall, though Joel couldn’t tell you he called them that- not yet anyway.

Because honestly he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to decide he wasn’t the type of person you wanted to spend alot of time with. It’s why he didn’t press you on wether or not you were coming to his birthday gathering at the tipsy bison tonight that Tommy was putting together. He didn’t want you to feel pressured.

You slip into the dimly lit tipsy bison about 45 minutes before Joel’s party is supposed to end. You were so nervous to come, that it took alot for you to actually leave the house. You realize as you slip into a table in the dark back corner that you also forgot his present at home too.

Somethings seriously wrong with me when I remember to bring my security book and not this man’s damn present.

You scan the room and see Joel and Tommy talking to a few people at the bar. Nervous about interrupting you open up your book and try to block out all the loud chatter.

Joel scans the small crowd hoping to see you when he over hears Caleb talking to Tommy.

“Why would she come to something like this if she’s not going to speak to anyone?”

Joel follows Caleb’s motion, feeling a tugging in his chest when he lays eyes on you. You’re sitting in the dark corner of the Tipsy Bison hunched over your book, rubbing your finger back and forth on the cover. Something Joel picked up on that you do when your anxious as a way to sooth yourself.

“Sorry we can’t all be rays of fucking sunshine like you” Joel hears Ellie snap back as he’s making his way over to you.

The closer he gets to you the more his heart pounds. When was the last time I ever felt like this if ever. Joel doesn’t know when it started happening but he can’t fight it any longer, he’s falling for you hard and fast like a fright train. You consume his every thought, which terrifies the hell out of him but he can’t turn back now, not even if he tried.

“Hey there sweetheart, you came” for one fleeting moment Joel feels nervous, maybe you don’t want to be bothered because after all you didn’t even tell him you were here. But that all melts away the moment you look at him. The smile that touches your eyes, the shimmer of happiness that dances across your face.

“Hey!”

“It ok to join you?”

“Of course, I’d love that. As long as I’m not taking your time away from anyone else?”

“There isn’t one person in here I’d rather talk to”

The way you beam up at him as you quickly but your book back in you’re bag says it all. This is another sign of yours that Joel’s picked up on, you only do this when you’re comfortable and want to talk to someone. You always do this when you see him, he trys so hard not to read into that but at this point it’s impossible.

The two of you sit and talk for a bit. You can’t help but be consumed by all things Joel when you were around him, and you loved that. The way he looked at you like you were the only other person in the world or the way he made you feel when ever he was near was both to much snd not enough. Your feelings for him charging full steam ahead, there’s no way you’d stop them even if you had the option.

But could he really feel the same?

“Well I should go I don’t want to take you away from your friends to long”

“Oh, let me walk you home”

“No no it’s ok, I’ll be alright, it’s your party” you say frowning, not wanted to inconvenience him in any way.

“Sweetheart…I can promise you most these people ain’t here for me”

You pause for a few beats

“Ok, in that case I’d love that” unable to control the sincere wild smile that dances across your lips at the thought of Joel Miller walking you home.

“Um ah- would you like to come in for a minute? I ah have a gift for you but I forgot it when I left for your party” you smile sheepishly up at Joel as you reach your little house.

“You have a gift for me?”

“Yea…I made you a birthday present”

Joel follows you inside your house, and instantly the scent of you is filling his senses. He watches as your disappear down the hall and into a room, unsure if he can follow you mixed with not wanting to scare you has him staying in the kitchen.

“Here it’s not much, but I wanted to do something” you say nervously handing him the small gift wrapped in a scrap piece of fabric.

You lean back against the counter as Joel takes the gift, unwrapping the corded string holding the fabric around the gift like wrapping paper.

You’re overcome with anxiety watching him, making it near impossible to look at him. What if he doesn’t like it? What if it’s to much? Joel doesn’t miss the way your fidgeting around nervously.

As Joel pulls back the last fold of fabric he reveals a smallish leather bound note book. As he turns it over in his hands the light catches right for him to notice stitched into the cover in a slightly different colored string than the leather is his name.

“You made this for me? Christ it must of taken forever” Joel asks as he runs this fingers over the the letters.

“D-do you like it? I hope it’s not to much?” You say sheepishly, retreating into yourself as your wrap your arms around yourself.

“No no, it ain’t like that. I love it, I’m just surprised you took the time to make something for me of all people.”

“It took me about two months to do, because I worked on it when I had the energy after rounds at the stables. But I wanted to do something special for you, because.. well because your special to me. When I heard you saying your note book for your patrol and maintenance notes was almost full I got the idea to make this without knowing how to go about it”

“Nobody’s ever done anything like this more me before. Is it ok if I give you a hug sweetheart?”

When Joel takes you into his arms he expects you to be tense before you relax like the few times before,but not this time. No this time was different, this time you melted under his touch immediately burying your face in his chest. He can’t help but think maybe you’ve been needing his touch, his comfort as much as he needs yours.

You feel him pull back from the hug, making you painfully aware you held on to him for a few beats to long. You’re anxiety takes over as you pull back, you’re gaze dropping to the floor immediately.

“Sorry. Sorry, I made that weird”

“Give yourself some credit sweetheart, you never make anything weird. I just wanted to look at you, that’s all”

Pulling your gaze back up, your met with his beautiful deep brown eyes. They’re filled with a soft tenderness as he reaches up caressing the curve of your cheek.

Joel’s large warm hand comes to cup the side of your face, smoothing his calloused thumb back and forth over your cheek bone. His heart thunders in his chest when you lean into his touch, looking more free than he’s ever seen you. Almost as if you’re letting him see a glimpse of yourself from before the world fell apart. He also sees a lightness in your body language that he only notices when the two of you are together.

His eyes flicker between your lips and your eyes a few times, trying to search for any fear or discomfort.

Fuck it.

Your eyes flutter closed as Joel’s lips connect with yours in a soft and tender kiss. Your mind in desperately trying to process everything as Joel takes your stillness as hesitation and pulls away at the exact moment you brain catches up.

“Sorry I misre-“

“Wait, Do it again” you whisper

Joel grabs both sides of your face as he lowers himself back down connecting with your soft lips again. Only this time you don’t hesitate, you return the kiss as you bring your hands to loop round his neck, your fingers sinking into the hair at the nape of his neck. Joel skims his hands down your sides resting them on your hips, a action that makes you gasp as you tilt you’re head up.

“Is this ok?” He whispers as he pulls back enough to rest his forehead against yours.

“Yes” you whisper back, running your fingers deeper into his dark graying hair. This action unlocks something deep inside Joel as he hooks his one hand around your lower back and the other around the back of your head pulling you closer to him. When you resume kissing it’s more passionate and frantic than before and as Joel licks along the seam of your bottom lip begging for entrance you tilt your head up immediately allowing him to deepen the kiss. As your warm wet tongues dance together the grip you two have on each other tightens. Neither of you wanting to show the other how terrified you both are of the other slipping through your fingers if you not holding on for dear life.

As you both pull back to catch your breath you can’t help the giggle that escapes you.

“I guess it’s safe to say you liked your present?”

“It’s safe to say I like more than just the present sweetheart”

He can’t possibly be saying what I think he’s saying can he?”

“I’d invite you to watch a movie but I moved the only tv into the bedroom because it helps me sleep alone and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable”

What I wouldn’t give to spend every night next to her. I never want her to feel alone.

“I’d be more than comfortable with that but only if you are”

Christ I could get lost in the big hazel eyes of hers.

“I honestly would love that” youre trying to hide your smile not wanting to come off too eager but it’s impossible.

You lead the way to your bedroom, once inside you gesture to the bed, “you can pick the movie and make your yourself comfortable I’ll be right back.”

You beeline it for the bathroom, splashing some water on your face and looking at yourself in the mirror. You take a few deep breaths trying to tamp down the anxiety.

Did I really just invite Joel Miller to watch a movie with me in my bed and he accepted? When did I get so bold?

Making your way back to the bedroom you see Joel sitting up with his back against the wall with the few pillows against the wall next to him.

The way your smiling at him makes him feel like it’s just you and him in this world, I feeling that nobody has ever given him before.

“Why don’t you have any pillows you rest your back on?” You say as you settle in next to him.

“I just want to make sure your comfortable, I’ll be fine”

You laugh, that beautiful laugh Joel has come to love so much.

“Well I certainly don’t need all of these, you should be comfortable too” you say as you hand him a couple.

Joel absolutely melts at this action. It speaks volumes to him that your advocating for his comfort as well as your own without even thinking about it or being asked too.

As he’s settling back against the pillows Joel notices you rolling one of your shoulders back as it’s it’s bothering you.

“You alright sweetheart? I’ve been noticing you rolling youre shoulder a lot this week, it botherin’ you?”

“Oh yea… it’s fine, I just tweaked it at the stables. Shimmers stables doors been sticking and the saddles are a little high for me sometimes, but it’s fine. I just gotta go easy on it for a bit”

Joel feels a wave of concern mixed with anger, but not with you with himself.

I should of asked sooner, she shouldn’t be getting hurt at work because of something I could of helped fixed. I need to go down there and fix something.

“ let me take a look at it sweetheart”

You’re embarrassed, your sure he thinks your the biggest idiot as you turn facing your back to him.

“Where does it hurt?”

“It hurts kind of along my shoulder blade”

Joel starts feeling along your shoulder blade applying light pressure.

“Ugh right in there” you quietly groan

“It’s a little swollen, maybe a pinched nerve…I could rub it, try to work it out for y’ou if you’d be comfortable with that.”

“Wait…really?”

“Please don’t feel like you have too, it’s ok”

“It’s no trouble sweetheart”

Joel helps you settle back between his legs as he slips his hand into the neck of your shirt messaging his thumb along your shoulder.

Joel doesn’t miss the relaxed sigh you breath out as your eyes get heavy and you slowly fall back until your back is completely flush again his chest, your head on his shoulder.

He wraps his arms around you tightly, looking down to see you completely asleep in his arms. He leans down softy placing a kiss on your forehead. Warmth slowly creeps up his spine, over his shoulders and deep into his chest. This is what safety feels like, you- are what safety feels like. Joel doesn’t have to have his walls up with you. He can relax, let his guard down, not have to be in a constant state of fight or flight around you. The more Joel let’s this realization consume him, the heavier his eyes get and before he can stop it he starts dozing off.

He snaps awake 10 minutes later to the feeling of you squirming in his arms followed by the sounds of mumbles and whimpers in your sleep. You cry out briefly before you roll over, clutching him with your head buried in the crook of his and your chest flush against his own. Joel can feel your heart pounding against his chest.

“Shhhh baby girl it’s ok, I got you. You’re with me. Your safe” Joel speaks softly rubbing his hands up and down your back.

The moment you hear his voices, the tension drains from your body and your cry’s stop as you fully relax against him.

“Don’t leave me please…I need you ” you’re soft voice speaks against his neck

Joel holds you tightly, unable to shake the memory of you telling him that someone’s voice was soothing to you, that it made you at ease when ever you heard it. He’s 100% confident that you were talking about him.

“Im not goin’ anywhere sweetheart” Joel says as he squeezes you tighter and kisses the crown of your head.

Your so incredibly raw and vulnerable in the moment as you look up at him, your eyes swirling with comfort mixed with fear as you sleepily sit up.

——————————————————————

The next time Joel opens his eyes it’s early morning, your curled up to him, your head on his chest. He can’t help but think he won the lottery. The idea that a women like you would take comfort in him, that you’d want him by you’re side. Joel will make it his mission to make sure you never feel alone again, that he’s by your side for the rest of your life. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve you in his life because he sure as hell didn’t feel like he deserved it.

Joel’s pulled from his thoughts by you sleepily stretch and sitting up. His hand is firmly on your lower back keeping you steady.

“You sleep ok?” He asks slipping his hand under your shirt to rub your lower back.

“I don’t think I’ve slept that deeply since before the outbreak, I’ve never really been a good sleeper”

Christ she’s so beautiful first thing in the morning, givin’ me that cute sleepy smile as she tells me how she slept well next to me.

“Where you able to sleep?”

I can’t tell her I slept better than I have In 20 something years.

“I did get some sleep”

“You hungry? We could go grab Ellie and get breakfast in the mess hall”

Ellie. Fuck I have no idea if any of this is ok with Ellie. I can’t do this to her. I don’t want to drive a wedge between her and Joel or her and I. She’s been though enough I don’t want her to think I’m trying to break up there family.

“ Oh, no it’s ok. You go a head I’m sure you and Ellie have stuff to do today” you say as you you stiffen to sit up straight, the feeling of panic crashing in like a wave.

“No it’s no trouble at all, she should just be over Dina’s anyway” Joel feels your body going ridged, he can tell by your eyes that somethings changing.

“ I have so much to do at the library still before it can open, I’m really not hungry. I’ll just grab something before breakfast ends.” You say swinging your legs over the side of the bed and hurriedly looking for clean clothes.

Joel feels it, he sees it your body langue that somethings wrong. He doesn’t know what flipped the switch but he’s desperate to fix it.

“You should take it easy on your shoulder, rest it so it don’t get worse”

Your body relaxes, your eyes softening briefly at him being protective, showing concern for your health before going ridged again.

“I promise I’ll go easy on my shoulder, I just desperately need to get some projects done. Everyone’s counting on me to get it done and open soon.” Your voice sounds strained and pleading like your trying to convince yourself and much as you are him that you believe what your saying.

“Can I at-least walk you there?”

The walk into town was quiet, neither of you saying much. Just the silent sound of you both battling your own inner self doubt.

“You sure you don’t want breakfast?”

“I’m sure….I’m not very hungry” your voice is soft and strained, almost as if your trying to hold back tears.

Joel cups your face pulling your gaze up to meet his.

“You let me know if you need anything sweetheart, can’t have you hurtin’ your shoulder worse.” Joel drawls before leaning in, closing the gap and placing a soft kiss to your lips. You return the kiss briefly as you run your fingers over his patchy beard.

“I promise I’ll go easy on myself”

Joel can’t shake the feeling that somethings wrong. You never skip breakfast because you get very hangry if you don’t eat in the morning.

Did I scare her? Did I move to fast? Did I make her uncomfortable in some way?

It hits Joel like a ton of bricks as he turn onto his street.

Ellie. She’s worried about how Ellie will feel about us. She’s worried it will drive a wedge between her and I or with them.

Joel stops up the steps and frantically grabs his tool bag.

“Your to old to be staying out all night and then doing a terrible job sneaking back in the next morning” Ellie teases behind Joel.

“I gotta do some extra work in the work shop and at the stables but when your done with your green house shift, we need to talk”

Joel’s never had a way with words like most people, he’s never been eloquent speaker. His love language more came in the form of acts of severance or in words of affirmation. He spends the next few hours building a safe sturdy step stool for the saddles, fixing not just Shimmers stable door but all the horses stables doors so none of them had the possibility to stick and tinkering around and fixing up anything he could find.

You stay at the library for several hours trying completely the simplest tasks, but without much success. Your just going through the motions as your mind is a mile away, thinking about Joel.

Resigning to the fact that you were getting nothing done, you decided to go home to take a hot shower to sooth your racing mind.

As the hot water streams over your body and the steam fills your lungs your mind drifts to Joel. You haven’t stopped thinking about how you can still feel his lips on yours. How he makes you feel seen and heard without any judgement what so ever.

Youre heart aches from how deep your feelings for Joel go, even if it feels like you don’t deserve having him in your life. But you need to apologize to him for how abruptly you retreated back into yourself when the feelings felt to real this morning.

Joel’s nursing a glass of whisky when Ellie gets back from her shift at the green house.

“What’s up Joel, everything alright?”

“Yea, nothin’ bad I just, I like someone and wanna talk about it”

“Oh congrats, your getting soft in your old age. Did you finally become friends with your horse”

“Jerk, no I like a woman. I like a woman, I wanna date her. But are you ok with that?”

“Your so bad at this, why are you being so awkward?”

“We’ll Christ, I’ve never done this before, had this kind of talk. I never brought anyone around Sarah. I don’t know what I’m doing”

“Wait… is this about Y/N?”

Joel nods cautiously

“Man you really are dense aren’t you?” Ellie playfully pokes.

“What’s so funny?”

“Joel.. I’ve been trying to set you up with her since we got here. Tommy’s been helping too”

“What? Really? You’re ok with it?”

“You guys are perfect for each other, it’s so obvious you two really care about each other, at least it is too me because I get to spend time with you guys together away from everyone else.”

Joel just stairs at her stunned

“Look I never wanted to admit this because it sounds stupid, but the times when it’s just you, me and her…it’s feels like we’re a family, like I actually have the family I’ve been dying to have my whole life. She got to know us and excepted us the way we are without listening to all the whispers around town and I think that’s fucking beautiful.”

“I gotta go see her”

“I swear to god Joel don’t fuck this up, she’s the happiness we both deserve, but yes, go to her, go right now”

Joels out of the house and down the street before his brain catches up.

Your scrambling around the house trying to get dressed as fast as you can before you get to anxious and decide not to go to Joel’s when you hear a knock at the door.

“The book drop off box is on the porch” you yell down the hall, figuring someone was trying to pick up or drop off books they borrowed since you weren’t at the library. But you hear who ever is is knock again.

“The book pick up is also on the porch” you yell again hoping the person hears you and gets the point,but they do it yet again. Completely flustered at this point you rip your shirt down over you head and pad angrily to the door.

“The book drop off and pick…” you aggressively swing the door open, stoping dead in your tracks at who’s on the other side.

“Joel” you whisper in surprise. All you can do is stare for a few beats to long at how the evening light highlights his already beautiful features.

“Sorry, this a bad time sweetheart?”

“No…sorry I just thought you were someone else”

You immediately pick up on his change In body langue and quickly follow up with “I just thought it was someone trying to pick up or drop off books” you watch as he relaxes right away again.

“I…I um was actually on my way over to your place”

Before either if you know it your smashing together in a kiss like two magnet’s. The kiss is all teeth and tongues, it’s desperate and awkward, messy and beautiful. Your both clutching on to each other like the other might fly away as Joel walks you backwards through the door way as he pushing the door closed with his foot.

As you both pull back for air Joel cradles your face with his large hands, caressing your cheek bones with the rough pads of his thumbs. His deep brown eyes lock with you hazel ones ands it’s as if they rest of the world doesn’t exist, like it’s only the two of you left on earth.

“I’m so sorry about this morning, I wasn’t trying to be weird. I-I I just…I scared myself with everything”

“It’s ok sweetheart” Joel says as he kisses you softly.

“I talked to Ellie, she’s ok with us being a thing. Honestly quiet excited about it”

You’re speechless for a moment, as you eyes start to well with tears.

“Joel, you didn’t have to do that, I’m sorry if you felt like you had too”

“I did have too, because it’s important to me”

“It’s…it’s important to me that you did”

At hearing that Joel lunges forward again capturing your lips in a kiss pulling you flush against his chest. He swallows the gasp that escapes your lips when he takes your bottom lip between his teeth. You snake your arms around his neck tugging the hair at the nape of his neck. The growl that, that action elicits vibrates through your chest.

“Bedroom?” Joel grits out, his deep voice drips with desire mixed with love.

Joel can’t convince himself otherwise any more, he loves you.

“Bedroom” you echo

Joel’s walking you backwards down the hall to your bedroom when he turns slightly pinning you against the wall just outside your bedroom.

“Are you sure about this sweetheart?” He pulls back just enough to lock eyes with you.

You nod your head yes.

“I need to hear you say it sweetheart. I don’t want to push you farther than your comfortable going because i thought it was ok.”

“I’m sure about this Joel, I want it…I want you”

Joel let’s out a low groan as he attaches his lips to your jaw, nipping his way long it until he reaches that soft spot where your jaw meets your neck. He sucks hard and then soothes the spot with his tongue as his hands sneak inside the hem of your shirt squeezing your plush sides. This earns him another tug at his hair as you let out a whimper. Joel’s head spins from how breathless you are already for him and he hopes you can tell how breathless he is for you.

Joel rips his shirt off at the feeling of you raking your hands up and down his chest. He’s been touched starved for so long that the desperate need for your touch, to feel your skin on his takes over.

Most people wouldn’t describe Joel as beautiful, but you always found him to be. You thought as you took in the sight of him shirtless.

Joel watches you nervously as you trace over old scars on his chest. He’s afraid you’ll want to run and hide from him bearing his soul to you in a way he never has or ever wanted too. But the moment you press your lips to the scars on his chest this worry melts away. You pepper every scar you can see across his chest, arms and shoulders with kisses before you make your way to his neck. You sneak your hands around him to slide them up his back as you reach his ear.

“Every part of you is beautiful” you whisper as you kiss along his jaw.

Joel feels dizzy from your words as your lips make it back to his. Never in his life has anyone ever called him beautiful much less been this tender and sensual with him. He can’t get enough, as he grabs at your waist again. Pulling you tightly to him as he presses you firmly again the wall causing your shirt to ride up.

“It’s ok… you can take it off” you breath

Joel wastes no time ripping your shirt up over your head.

“Your so fuckin’ gorgeous” he growls as you arch into him so he can unhook your bra.

You let the straps slide down your arms until it falls to the floor between the two of you. You’re mind goes blank from Joel’s intense gaze. Slowly he slides his hands up your torso to your breasts. They barely even touched you and your nipples are already hardened peaks. The sensation of him rolling them beneath his slightly calloused thumbs as he’s squeezing your breasts hits you hard. Your eyes flutter shut as your head falls back against the wall, if your not carful you might just climax from this alone.

“Fuck…your skins so soft” Joel growls as he pulls you away from the wall and into your bedroom, not stopping until your legs hit the end of your bed.

His eyes burn right through you as you slid your pants down, leaving yourself in just your panties as you climb on the bed.

The two of you hold each others gaze for a few beats as Joel undoes his belt and steps out of his pants. You instinctually spread your legs to make room for him as the bed dips down. He doesn’t care how long he has to draw this out, Joel’s not stopping until he’s explored every inch of your body. Making you feel like the goddess that he sees you as.

Your eyes flicker from his eyes to his hard outline straining his boxers and back to his eyes. The way he playfully smirks at you makes you realize just how exposed you are to him, making you start to wrap your arms around your body to cover yourself.

“You ok sweetheart?” Joel asks rubbing circles into your thighs.

“Do you want me to cover up some?”

“What?”

“Wait why would I want you to cover up?” He half huffs, confused

“Im not the skinniest…I don’t look as good as you”

Joel hates the idea that someone(s) made you feel like you weren’t worthy because your body isn’t their ideal body. He’s loves your curves, the plushness of your skin.

“Everything about you is gorgeous, and if it s’ok id like to show you just how gorgeous I think you are.”

You frantically nod and with that Joel dips his body down kissing right above your clothed clit, pulling a whimper out of you. He then moves to your hips, kissing them both before kissing all the way up your stomach til he reaches your breasts.

He licks along the swell of your breast, pulling your peaked nipple in between his teeth as he palms the other one with his free hand. Then does the same to the other.

“So fuckin’ sexy” Joel whispers against your breast as he swings his leg over to straddle one of your legs.

He crashes forward, his rock hard bulge pressing into your hip to capture your lips in a passionate kiss. Your hands automatically plant firmly in his hair as his tongue dances with yours. Making his way down your neck sucking the soft skin where your shoulder meets your neck between his teeth, then sooth it with his tongue. You know it’s going to leave a mark, you want it too. Even if this is just for tonight, you want Joel to mark you as his. But you had no idea how much he wants that too. To make you his.

Joel plunges his tongue back into your mouth as he dips his free hand where you need it most. His finger grazes your clit has he slips it through your slit, deep into your core with a audible squelch. You both swallow each others moans.

A breathy moan escapes your lips as he gathers some of your wetness to your swollen clit with tight circles.

“Christ baby…y’so wet. This all from me?” Joel breathes, as you pull back. He wants to see the pleasure he’s giving you.

“All day…a-always” you breath unable to get more out.

“Fuck” Joel groans as he pulls down your panties, seating himself back between your legs.

“Fuck..baby you feel s’good around my fingers”

Joel’s trusts his fingers in and out of you at a steady pace.

“J-Joel…it’s feels s-s good” you say through a stifled whimper.

“Don’t hold back baby. Lemme hear ya. Wanna hear how good I make you feel.” Joel purrs as he’s stroking that soft spongy spot so well.

Your climax crashes over you like a wave against a rocky coast. You couldn’t stop even if you tried.

“Fuu- J-Joel…it feels so good”

“Thats it baby let go”

You clench around his fingers perfectly as you fall over the edge.

“Doin’ so good for me sweetheart. Soundin’ so beautiful.”

Joel leaves a trail of kisses and praise in the valley between your breasts and down your stomach.

“Can I taste you sweetheart?” He growls as he nips at the insides of your thighs. Pupils blows wide open when you lock eyes with him.

“Please” you whine

Joel gives a few kitten licks up your center to watch you squirm, then dives in like a starved man eating his last meal. You thrusted your hips forward grinding into his face desperately chasing anything he’ll give you. Joel’s harder than he’s ever been before, head dripping with pre-come at the feeling of you grinding on his face to chase your release.

He’d give you this every single day if you’d let him. He doesn’t even care about his own release. He could drown in between your legs and die a happy man seeing the pleasure he gives you from his tongue on your face.

Tag List:

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#the last of us #joel miller #pedro pascal #fanfic #joel miller x reader #neurodivergent #joel miller x f!reader #adhd #joel the last of us #joel tlou #ellie williams

[merakiui]

angel/angler.

yandere!azul ashengrotto x (female) reader cw: yandere, unhealthy behaviors/relationship, nsfw, stalking, non-con, non-consensual photography, chikan/groping (train molestation), obsession, kidnapping/captivity, drugging, violence, blood, death (or is it??), azul's insecurities and low self-esteem, azul’s not-so-subtle breeding kink, implied disordered eating, reader's height isn't described, but it's written that azul is taller note - to obsess is to hunger like an angler from the deep sea. living his entire life in pitch-black solitude, entranced by an angel's halo; his only purpose is to find the body that will become his lifeline and, one day, his cemetery.

entry 1: 18 April, 20XX.

For anonymity’s sake, I’ve chosen to write using a vague pronoun. Additionally, this diary will be a record of my thoughts so that I can keep my mind and senses intact. In my youth, I was prone to terrible fits of self-destructive rage, and as a result they suggested I write my feelings down to prevent any outbursts. I’m not very physical towards others. Rather, it was the harm I posed to myself that fostered concern.

But this space isn’t for my own views on myself. It’s about someone else. 

I have a confession: I’ve fallen in love with you from the train, and I’ve been in love with you for the four months I’ve come to know you.

You wear perfectly pressed suits, heels of a modest height, tights, and pencil skirts that cut just at your knees. I want to touch you, but if I do you might stop wearing skirts altogether and then I’ll never see your legs again. I suppose trousers aren’t so unattractive. They’re appealing in their own right. Everything looks good on you, though. (Nothing would look even better.)

You work in an office building. I’m not sure which floor, but I’ll know soon enough. I wanted to follow you inside, but there’s a security guard in the lobby. He always greets you, and you always smile and chat with him. You’re a kind person, so I let this pass without incident. But I can’t lie to these pages and say it’s not troublesome when I watch his gaze linger longer than it needs to. 

I’d kill him, but then they’d employ a new guard and you’d make friends with him because you’re so kind. I don’t admire kind people. Rather, I find kindness to be a double-edged blade (Is that the correct phrasing? It’s different in my hometown. We say kindness is like pufferfish—harmless until it’s provoked and then it becomes poisonous). It’s not that I look down on kind people. I just think you shouldn’t be so quick to befriend the world in its entirety.

After plenty of observation, I’ve learned that you often leave your building to get lunch by yourself. This is what you’ve eaten in the week:

Monday - A salad at a popular café. Iced tea because it was a sunny day. A tiny cheesecake for dessert. It was blueberry.

Tuesday - A wrap of some kind. Chicken? Or was it vegetarian? Sweet potato fries. Water.

Wednesday - You didn’t leave your building. Were you at work today? 

Thursday - Another salad. Water. Same café. No tiny cheesecake.

Friday - You went to lunch with that guard. I only remember my irritation and so I’m afraid I can’t make note of your meal for today. He looks at you like an obsessed puppy waiting for its owner to give it attention. I want to pluck his eyes from his sockets so he’ll never look at you in that way again.

You lead a healthy lifestyle, but I can’t help wondering if you’re eating well. Did someone say something about your figure? I’ll eviscerate them for you and then they can see how much it hurts when unnecessary scrutiny is thrown around.

It’s quite late. I want to sleep, but thinking about you has my body wide-awake. I wonder if your mouth tastes like the moonlight shining in through my window. I wonder if your body is soft like mine… Of course it is. A silly, irrational thought. You’re much warmer than me. This is just a theory. I’ve yet to feel and confirm for myself. I will in the foreseeable future.

Before we part ways, I want you to know that I’m not very good at cooking. I’ve picked up a few books and hope to learn. I’m going to practice so that I can feed you better meals one day. Salads are the worst. Fried chicken is the true meal of heaven. I’m certain you would share this sentiment.

If I were to be condemned to a last meal like those serial killers on death row, I’d ask for fried chicken. Knowing you, you’re too good to kill anyone. In this hypothetical, supposing you’re a heinous criminal, your last meal would be something healthy. Do you even like those salads, or are you forcing yourself because you must? I understand calorie-counting well enough, but if there’s one thing to enjoy in life it should be food.

I suppose that makes me a hypocrite. I ought to take my own advice.

Oh. I’m starting to grip my pen with more force and the lines have become shaky. I usually break my writing utensils if my focus strays. I’ll stop here for today. Ink is a pain to clean.

AA.

The morning rush is your greatest enemy.

Jack Howl, the lobby’s security, has suggested giving you a ride on numerous occasions. “It’s part of the reason I got my license,” he explained once, “so that I can protect those who work in this building from the rush. Not like you have to accept my offer. It’s just…convenient for both of us. Again, I don’t care what you do.”

(He does. You see through his gruff surface.)

According to him, the morning and night rushes bring out the worst kinds of characters.

But isn’t that everywhere? you think as you peer out the window, watching the city come into clarity.

Like every morning, the train car is more crowded than a sardine tin. You’re used to being pressed up against other commuters, pinned to the window or between people. You’re flattered to know someone’s concerned, but nothing has happened yet. And why would it? It’s bright outside. No one would dare do something during the day. At least, not in a crowded area where anyone could see and hear.

I wonder what I should have for dinner. I still need to go shopping. My fridge is way too empty, you think, sighing. And I need to follow up with that one author. They’ve yet to get back to me about my edits. Perhaps we should meet in the office instead of through video call… And I also need to finalize that other style sheet after the last round of editing. And then another conference… There was something else. Was I scheduled to have lunch with an author? Or was that next week? I should check before—

The train shudders as it slides into the station. Someone brushes against you from behind. Their hand is pressed against the window just near your head. They steady themselves, their body so close to yours you can hear their staggered breathing.

“Ah. S-Sorry…”

It’s next week, right? I really should check once I get to my stop. This is going to eat me alive all day.

“Mhm,” you hum, waving dismissively.

The stranger standing behind you peels his hand away from the window. A sweaty palm print is left in its wake.

“We will be approaching the next stop shortly.”

Just one more and you’ll be getting off.

A pair of bright eyes blinks back at you in the reflection, watching the city just as you are.

entry 5: 22 April, 20XX.

I’m not a social person by any means. If I can avoid crowds, I usually do. An introvert’s paradise is best spent in the comfort of their own room, after all. But if you prefer outdoor dates I can become extroverted for your sake. There are lots of things I’m willing to do for your sake.

Which is why I’ve forced myself to tolerate the train. I loathe it. It’s cramped and uncomfortable. Most days I’m not even near you, and so all I can do is stare longingly from afar. I content myself with imaginary scenarios like in the books you edit. I’ve mentioned it sparsely in this diary, but you’re a brilliant editor. Most of the novels you work on aren’t exactly my taste, but there’s something to appreciate about them. Reading through them knowing your very eyes pored over these pages dozens of times before publication… I admire your work. Immense time and effort goes into all professions, especially ones that involve meticulous touches. 

With this discussion of careers, you might wonder what I do for a living. I manage my own restaurant chain off-site. It must be shocking news for you to realize: your secret admirer is actually quite successful.

If I’m not able to provide an adequate life—no, more than that. If I cannot drown you in all of life’s luxuries, I should sooner throw myself on the beach and let this soft, wriggling body of mine dry out than settle for the barest of minimums. You deserve only the finest.

In fact, I have a room in my home dedicated to you. A private office in which you can write and edit in peace. It’s furnished with everything you’d ever need. I hope to gift it to you one day.

Remote work is very relaxing. (You’ll know this once you try it here.) When you’re boss, you work your own schedule. That’s why I’m able to fit our secret meetings into my weekly itinerary.

Today’s meeting was quite fortuitous. I felt like I’d won the lottery. Mostly because I was finally given the opportunity to be close to you. So close, in fact, that you didn’t even notice when I slid my phone under your skirt to take a few photos. Your undergarments are unexpectedly plain. Truthfully, I’m somewhat disappointed. I was hoping to learn your lingerie preferences. At the very least, I know your tights are sheer enough to show me the color of your panties.

I consider myself a connoisseur of many things, and I’ve done enough interior decorating in my time to become well-accustomed to color palettes. A fool would say your panties are red, but they’re actually maroon.

That same fool wouldn’t take another breath after glimpsing such a private side of you.

If you must know, my dear, I am excessively avaricious when it comes to the things I like. I have always been this way. I am a collector. A hoarder of secrets. I refuse to let others touch or take the things that belong to me, especially when they are wholly undeserving…

I’ve broken another pen. Thankfully, the mess wasn’t so extreme. Not-so-thankfully, I’ve lost my train of thought.

Ah. Right. Trains.

Today I rode the train, and I was standing right behind you. You were looking out the window, lost in your thoughts, and so you didn’t notice me. You must have seen my reflection, but I wear a mask and a hooded sweatshirt when I go outside. Perhaps it’s a touch embarrassing to admit, but I am very self-conscious of the way I look. Firstly, my eyes are too tired. I’ve read that many people are not fond of eyes with dark circles under them. Secondly, my face is average—unworthy of your love by my lofty standards. My hair never cooperates. My smiles never fit properly. My skin is too pale. My eyes are too blue and my pupils are abnormal. My weight is just a few kilograms above the average. I will work hard to bring it back down for your sake and for my own so that it won’t show. I prefer a slim waist, so I must stomach all manner of healthy foods for the weekend. What a pity… Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could eat whatever you wanted without having to worry about caloric intake and numbers on a scale?

That aside, there are times in which my glasses sit crooked on my face and it’s a horrifying thought to imagine I walk around looking like that! As if I’ve rolled right out of bed with no regard for my appearance whatsoever!

Perhaps the both of us share one similarity. We are vain creatures who care too much about how we present ourselves to others.

Thus, I conceal myself so that you won’t judge me harshly should you look upon me. Not like you’d do that. You were so immersed in your head that you hardly paid any attention to your surroundings. You should be more careful. What if something were to happen and I wasn’t there to protect you?

The train stuttered to a halt at the first stop, and some fool bumped into me. I should thank them because I got to brush against you. You gasped softly. I watched your breath fog the window. I placed my hand just above your head and apologized softly, and you weren’t bothered in the slightest. Oh, how I envy your carefree nature.

As a result of that stranger’s mishap, I’ve learned something new. You wear perfume. Even with my mask, I could smell it. Strong and flowery, overwhelmingly sweet. Maybe you prefer these scents? I’m more partial to mature scents, but I admit there’s a certain charm to the scents you wear. I wish I knew the exact brand. There are dozens of perfumes with the same notes as the ones I picked up, but none can compare to the one you use. I want to be able to hold the bottle knowing it’s your favorite.

I’ve prattled enough. With the length of my entries, you’d assume I was this chatty beyond the page. I’m not. I only say as much as I think is necessary.

Once again, I’m having trouble falling asleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m looking through the photos I snapped and the outline of your lips against your panties is lovely. I’m sure you’re just as soft and sweet inside as you are on the outside. If only I could experience it right now. My hand can’t replicate the softness or the wetness or the way you’ll probably clamp down when we finally make love.

I can only fantasize for now. What a pain. 

AA.

“It’s going to rain today,” Jack tells you the minute you step through the lift doors into the lobby. He stands straight like a soldier, his shoulders squared and features set into something serious.

“Looks like it, huh?” You glance at the darkening sky outside, slinging your bag over your shoulder. “Hopefully it rains after I get home. I didn’t bring an umbrella.”

“I’ll drive you.” He falls into step beside you. “It’s dark out and the station is—”

“It’s only five minutes away. I’ll be fine. I take this way all the time.”

Jack’s lip twitches into a grim frown. The beginnings of a sharp, pearly-white canine flashes at you as his mouth curls. “Fine,” he concedes with a huff. Awkwardly, he scratches the back of his neck and looks elsewhere. “Do what you want. I’m not forcing you or anything.”

You smile at him. “You’re very considerate, Jack. I appreciate the concern.”

He’s like a puppy. It’s really sweet.

“W-Wha—who said anything about concern?” His face is growing warmer by the second, thawing his external ice.

“I’ll be okay. It’s not even that dark out either.”

“Still…” He sighs and cards his hand through his hair. “You haven’t noticed anything weird lately, have you?”

“Anything weird?” You furrow your brows, suddenly confused.

“On your way home. Nothing out of the ordinary? It’s the same every day?”

“Mostly, yeah. Why? Did something happen?”

“No. Just wondering…” Jack looks past you then, searching for something you can’t seem to see. “You sure you don’t want a ride? I can walk you to the station. Protect you if anything or anyone—”

You force yourself to laugh. “Come on. You’re trying to scare me on purpose. This is because I told you I’m editing a horror novel, isn’t it?”

Jack doesn’t share in your humor. Instead, his frown tightens on his face.

“While I’m grateful you want to help, I really don’t want to put that on you. It’s not your job to chauffeur me around. I’d feel bad if I made you do that. So thank you, but I’ll have to decline.”

You turn swiftly on your heel before he can protest, striding out the door into the gloomy night.

When is it going to be summer? It’s way too chilly.

You burrow into your jacket as you beeline for the station. A brisk breeze blows through busy city streets. Even though there are still people out and about, it feels strangely desolate.

Jack’s heart was in the right place, but did he really have to phrase it like that? 

You wrap your arms around yourself and hurry along. Your steps are in time with your pounding heart. A cold sweat beads along your forehead. 

Relax. It’s nothing to get worked up over. I’m fine.

Crunch.

You whirl around, clutching your bag between your arms. There’s no one in sight. The city seems eerily quiet tonight.

Stop scaring yourself. Nothing’s there.

No, it’s not something that could make that sound—a noise akin to a footstep. That belongs to someone.

Is someone following you?

You aren’t going to wait around and find out. Now you’re jogging the rest of the way, your heels clicking against the pavement. Your breath comes in shaky heaves, and by the time you finally step into the station’s blinding fluorescents, adrenaline still vibrating through your veins, you notice the time.

My train—it’s already here! Thank you. Oh, thank you so much!

You rush through the station in a flurry, and the relief is tangible once you’re safe and sound inside the train car. You squirm through the throng of late-night commuters towards the window.

“Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me,” you murmur as you navigate the crowded space.

You make it to the window just as the doors slide shut. Moments later, the train squeaks into motion.

I worked up such a sweat. I can’t believe I got so frazzled over something as small as a snapped twig…or whatever that was. It wasn’t a footstep. And if it was, it was probably my own.

You shake your head at your reflection.

Look at me, losing my mind all because I let someone’s words get to my head. 

The stranger standing behind you sighs alongside you. You’re about to turn around, but it’s their hands on your waist that stop you. Your blood freezes. Your spine goes rigid.

“Excuse me? Um… C-Can I help you?”

You gasp, horrified, as the hands creep higher until they’re wrapped around your chest. The stranger squeezes almost curiously. Their breath catches on an eager hitch. You peer helplessly at the window. Two blue eyes blink back.

“Wait… Hold on—”

“It’s okay.” A man’s voice. Sweet and silky-smooth. A reassuring whisper. Only you can hear it with this invasively close proximity. It might as well be a drop in the ocean that is the rickety din of the train on the rails. You reach to grab his arms, hoping to pry him off. “I’m not going to hurt you. As long as you’re quiet…”

“No, you can’t. Please, sir. S-Stop… Don’t touch there.” Your fingers curl around his wrists. You squirm against him, your brain blanking.

This can’t be happening… There’s just no way…

Something stiff prods at your ass from behind. You yelp softly when he rubs himself against you. You try to catch sight of his features when you crane your neck, but all you get is a faceful of a dark hoodie. He’s tall enough to block you from the other passengers, his body caging yours against the window. One hand slides away from your chest to slip under your skirt. He gropes at your inner thigh; his fingers draw dangerously close to private territory.

“Sir—”

He inhales a dreamy breath. “Perfect,” he babbles, his words muffled by his mask. “So perfect. Warm… And soft. Just as I thought.”

There’s nowhere for you to run. Nowhere to hide. You’re trapped here with this fiend until you get off at your stop.

“We will be approaching the stop shortly,” the woman on the intercom says, but it doesn’t give you the relief you’re after.

Three more stops and then you’ll be at yours. Three more. Three. Your stop might as well be years away.

Two fingers trace the outline of your pussy through your panties. You’re grateful you’re wearing tights.

His breathing is heavy. He’s mumbling filth in your ear. You hardly register it over the static in your brain.

Gross. So gross. Stop it. Please stop. I don’t want this.

A whine bubbles low in your throat when he presses down against your clit. He caresses you through the fabric of your panties. You slump against the window with your palms on the glass. Your heart is in your throat. You feel sick and dizzy. It’s too hot in here. Everything is spinning. Your heart is picking up its pace. Your hands are starting to shake. 

And there’s nowhere to go. No amount of begging will stop him. He’s all over you, pressed impossibly close—so close you think he’s trying to fuse his body to yours, becoming one mutual unit.

You want to scream, but you can’t find your voice. You can’t do anything. You can’t even think.

“Don’t be scared,” he murmurs, twining his fingers around your trembling ones. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Mmh, no… No—stop. P-Please, sir, please stop.” You shudder against him, and a choked, broken sob rattles through your ribs. 

He chuckles and squeezes your hand. His other circles your tender, sensitive clit, and the contact elicits a whimper from you. “Even though you’re making the cutest sounds? Aah, I wanna be inside you so badly… I’m sure it’s even softer there.”

You bite down on your bottom lip so hard that your teeth pierce the skin. A thin ribbon of blood dribbles down your chin. You refuse to give him that satisfaction. Even though your attempt to snuff your voice is successful, your body doesn’t seem to agree. It shakes in fear and arousal. When he presses against your panties next, he feels the growing damp spot. 

That’s just a natural reaction, right? I’m not actually aroused by this. There’s no way!

Just when you think he might pursue further, he pulls back. His hips are still flush to your ass. You can feel his cock straining against the fabric. It’s gross and demoralizing. You’re nothing but a doll for him to get off to. Less than a person.

The train glides to a halt and the doors open. People exit and enter in a busy fashion. You stare out the window at your blurred surroundings.

When the train eases back into motion, you realize tears are welling in your eyes. They don’t fall. Not yet.

It isn’t until you get off at your stop, sprint the rest of the way home, hurry up into your apartment, and lock the door that the horror of it all finally catches up to you. You collapse to your knees and wail like you’ve just lost something precious—something you’ll never be able to get back.

You’ve never felt more dirty before.

entry 36: 4 May, 20XX.

I did it. I finally did it.

My hand is shaking; I’m so happy. No, I’m more than happy. I’m absolutely overjoyed!

You don’t know this about me yet, but I’m terribly envious. I suppose that’s why I could muster the confidence to touch you and hold you… Your body is so soft against mine. Every inch of you is beautiful. I wish I could have felt beneath your shirt, lifted your bra to see your bare breasts in the window’s reflection. This is quite the shameless admission. Even I, despite admiring you for so long, am loath to admit it.

You mesmerize me. I’m already flustered just thinking about the way your hand fit in mine when I held it… And you were aroused! I was so close to such a precious area, and you were wet for me and only me. I feel so overwhelmed. It’s a dream come true. You’re such an angel. My angel.

My dear, darling angel, I’m sorry for startling you. That was the only way, you see, and certain circumstances led me to that point. You must understand.

To be unfiltered about it, it was annoying seeing that security guard pester you. I had the strongest urge to kill him, but that’s not something you can do on a whim. Murder is like running a business, in a way. One misstep, a bad investment or a sliver of evidence left behind, and it might spell the end.

That’s besides the point. It’s hardly worth the time. 

Regrettably, while on the train into the city, I noticed you were wearing trousers today. I was right. Last night was a once-in-a-lifetime event. A pity. Your legs in those sheer tights is a vision to behold. Luckily, I have enough pictures to satisfy the craving to see you in them. When you live with me, I’ll buy plenty of tights for you to wear around the house. That way you won’t have to worry if I rip them.

That aside, you’ve started looking over your shoulder more. You talked to that security guard longer than you normally do. It’s irritating. Quite frankly, it pisses me off.

I don’t want to be childish. I understand you’re stressed and nervous. Anyone would be. That’s normal. But I’m not going to hurt you. I even told you those exact words! I’m certain you would have calmed down if you could see my face. Unfortunately, I’m not very blessed in that department. I assure you my personality is far prettier…despite the ugly truths I’ve penned here.

But then those don’t matter when it comes to love. Even in love, couples are supposed to recognize and accept each other’s flaws. So it’s fine if I’m an ugly person. It’s fine if I’m a devil or something grotesque from the deepest trench in the sea. At least, in spite of such darkness, your halo will continue to light the way and I will always be lured in by your luminosity.

I can’t do much of anything right now and that has led me to feel increasingly itchy. I want to feel you again. Smell you. Touch you. I’d like to taste you next time. Part your legs or tear your skirt off and indulge in the space you keep hidden from me. I want to sink into your depths and know the shape of you just as you twist yourself to take the shape of me. 

It’s just not enough. I desire more of you. 

AA.

entry 40: 8 May, 20XX.

It’s been a few days. You haven’t taken the train since. Now you’re driven to and from work by that pest. I was overcome with such frustration yesterday that I slammed my hands down upon my desk and fractured my wrist. For the time being, until my wrist heals, I must wear this unsightly stabilizer-brace-thing and write carefully with my non-dominant hand. I like to consider myself ambidextrous, if only because it’s a talent I’m sure will impress you, as you seem to surround yourself with successful, talented people, but I must admit my lettering is rather…subpar.

It’s not as neat as I hoped it would be. Something to practice while my wrist heals, I suppose.

There’s only so much strain I can take, my angel. Are you really so afraid of me that you’ve chosen to rely on someone else to protect you? If it was funny, I’d laugh. But it’s not. It’s annoying. Must I chain you up by the throat so that you won’t run away? Must I cuff our wrists together so that neither of us can part ways? What must I do to ensure you’ll never leave me?

Every day I spend in solitude, you grow closer to everyone but me. It’s infuriating.

However, there are always silvers of hope to be found and exploited in misfortune. As a businessman, I know this well enough.

I can plan around this. I’ve taken a few photos of your house at every angle. It’s important to think ahead when making a calculated risk.

When you go to kidnap the love of your life, you must dress appropriately, no? Now should I wear a formal suit or something casual?

I have some time and plenty to look forward to.

AA.

Like always, early as usual, Jack is waiting for you below your apartment. You see his car from the window and light up at once.

It’s been two months since the incident on the train. Jack insisted you go to the police when you confided in him a week after the fact. But what could they do? A story isn’t evidence. Evidence is evidence. So to combat that, you’ve avoided public transport altogether. Jack drives you to and from work and anywhere else you need to go. You never knew him very well before this mess, and you regret not starting a friendship sooner. He’s everything you need right now: a friend, a listener, and someone you can trust and rely on.

Like always, he unlocks the door so you can put your things in the back. “It’s my turn to treat for lunch today, so let’s go somewhere you like.”

You shut the door and open the passenger side, sliding in seamlessly.

“There’s no need for that.”

Your heart skips. Your breath stumbles in your lungs. Your body tenses.

You finally look at the driver.

He’s wearing what appears to be an expensive collared shirt with a tie, but the top half is covered by the soft hoodie he’s thrown on over it. He has a mask like before, but there’s no denying his eyes. Bright and blue, deep and deceptive like the ocean, they blink back at you.

The door locks with a click.

You throw yourself at it in a useless effort to escape. The masked stranger seizes your wrist. You scream.

“There’s no need to be afraid. I-It’s only me! I won’t hurt you.” He tugs his mask down to his chin so that you can see the wobbly smile on his face. “Please don’t be scared…”

“Let go of me, you pervert!” You rip your arm free and reach for the door once more. “What the hell are you doing here?! W-Where’s Jack? Why are you—”

You choke around the rest of your words when he wraps his arms around you and yanks you over the seat towards him. You kick out like a deranged animal, breathing heavy and frantic, your eyes darting to and fro. The stranger manages to manhandle you into a chokehold despite the struggle. With his arm wrapped around your neck, he grabs a plastic water bottle with his free hand. Clumsily, he unscrews the cap and presses the lip of the bottle to your mouth.

“I’m sorry for being so rough, but I need you to drink this. Can you do that for me? Drink all of it.” As he says this, he tips the bottle and the strange liquid fills your mouth. You fight against his hold, doing everything you can to resist. He tightens his grip on you, dragging your body closer to his. “Swallow it, or I’ll slit your throat.”

Against your will, very shakily, you gulp down the solution. It tastes bitter and vile like medicine. A little salty.

“I didn’t want to frighten you, my angel, but this is the only way you’ll listen.” He swipes the tear threatening to spill from your eye. “You don’t have to cry. I’ll take you home and keep you safe. Just drink the rest of this and take a nap until we get there. That’s it. You’re almost done. I know it’s disgusting, but you have to drink it all, my love.”

“Why…” you sputter, coughing. “Why are you doing this?”

“Why?” He blinks at you as if the answer is obvious. “Because I love you.”

You can’t understand the logic there. You don’t want to.

Slumping against the seat, boneless and disturbed, you tremble when he leans over to buckle you in. And you continue to do so until you’re pulled into sleep. 

Two blue eyes follow you in your dreams, sticking to your body like old gum under a school desk. In sleep, you feel his hands on you—clinging and cloying like tentacles and the stench of brine, all-enveloping.

entry 179: 24 September, 20XX.

Summer is winding to a close. The last few vestiges of warmth are slipping away. Today’s weather was crisp. Autumn is approaching. 

It’s been a difficult few months. I’ve catalogued my process in the time you’ve spent with me, locked away in our bedroom. I must keep you chained to the bed for the time being. It’s long enough to lead into the bathroom. Until I can trust you, this is the arrangement at present.

They’re still searching for you, albeit not as frantically and frequently. I hope they assume you’ve met some grisly end so that I can finally shelve that anxiety and move on with my life. While I’m relieved it wasn’t as messy as I thought it’d be, I’m just a touch disheartened. I would have loved to watch the light fade from that guard’s eyes.

But that just wasn’t feasible or smart. Besides, what else am I to use my current fortune for, if not the props needed for that day? You call it kidnapping, and while that term is technically true I prefer something sweeter. A reunion of sorts. 

There’s nothing of note to discuss. You haven’t accepted your new home or me yet, so I will continue to wait. I can be patient. I must be if this relationship is going to work (and it will). 

I don’t particularly believe in soulmates. Rather, I find the concept to be foolish. Fate does not dictate an entire life. It is the decisions you make along the way that shape your paths. Just like in my favorite board game. I’d like to play it with you. Although I must admit I already know how our life goes. I have a few routes in mind.

You look at me with such scalding contempt when I imply we ought to start a family, and even though I’ve been victim to that look so many times it doesn’t burn any less. You just can’t see how good this is for you yet.

What else are we to do with our time if not use it to fill quiet halls with the pitter-patter of tiny feet? I have a few names in mind, but for now we’ll take it one day at a time. I’m a patient man despite my temper.

AA.

entry 257: 11 December, 20XX.

Exciting news! Though it may seem small, we’ve reached an understanding. Or so I suspect. You’re not so averse to me anymore. In fact, we take baths together, eat meals together, watch TV together, play board games together… There are so many things we do together as a couple and so, despite the encroaching winter frost, my days have become warmer! Just last night you allowed me to sleep beside you on our bed, and I held you close and you kissed me and I felt like the luckiest man alive.

Finally! Genuine progress!

I won’t delude myself and say that you may finally love me in the way I love you, but a start is a start. I admit I couldn’t help myself. I returned your kiss tenfold, all over your face, down the column of your throat to your collarbone. I was gentle and careful. I didn’t rush.

I like to play experienced in all fields, but even I can’t act perfectly. How should I describe our first time without all of the shameless vulgarity? Perhaps it doesn’t matter. Sex is sex no matter how you try to embellish it. Filthy and imperfect, sweaty and sticky, more effort and exercise than I realized.

You pulled me in close, pursued my mouth with the same want in mine, and it was more cathartic than anything I’ve ever known. Oh, to be kissed by the love of your life! I wasn’t aware such joy existed.

You palmed me through my pajamas and told me you wanted a family—that the idea of raising a little one was perfectly charming. I admit it’s an alluring thought I’ve had long before you lived with me. I’ve always thought you would look very enchanting while pregnant. I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands to myself. Even though it isn’t official yet, it doesn’t hurt to call myself your husband. In my mind and heart, we’re married. It may not seem so to you yet, but it will be.

Back to the matter at hand. Hearing that you wanted a child with me made me happy. I can’t remember if I cried. I must have because you pulled me in close and you, lying beneath me, wiped at my face and told me you wanted me to give you a child. And who am I if not the most doting, most benevolent husband? I’d do anything for you.

This must be what a predator feels when they tear into prey: a rapture so absolute and all-consuming that it covers their brain like a cotton shroud and renders every other action a hazy instinct.

It was a blur even though I was sure I moved slowly. Clothes weren’t exactly shucked. They were in the way and we had a singular goal, far too focused to remove them completely. Thus, they were pulled up, down, to the side, in whichever way provided easiest access. I closed my hands around your breasts and they feel so much softer without the obstruction of clothes.

Perhaps, rather than humans, we’re just anglerfish. Hungry for each other, using the other, a voracious relationship full of mutual benefits. If I could, I’d love to live inside you. I want nothing more than to press myself close enough to feel your heart beat alongside mine. To feel rushing blood. To turn myself inside-out just to satisfy you. Give you every little thing I can offer—brain and body—and we’d cleave through sunless waters as one, together forever.

The word ‘love’ is not large enough to truly encapsulate all that I feel for you.

My forehead pressed to yours. You kissed me once. I felt sloppy. I was sloppy. Inexperienced. We both are. Your hand wrapped around me. I told you it was okay, to do it at your own pace, to tell me if it hurts. But you kissed my every anxiety away, and in just a few strokes we were connected. Perhaps I died then and I’m still dead now.

Maybe I’m writing this from the moon or the deep, dark sea. Maybe all of this is just a long dream and I’m not even human. Maybe I’m the anglerfish stuck to your side, latched on with my sharp teeth, our lives forever intertwined. You taste of fruit and blood and every beautifully painful thing in this world.

For the first time in the many months we’ve lived together, you called me by my name. You gasped it as you curled your legs around my waist and clung to my chest, your arms draped over my neck, nails in my back. You chanted it like a song. I must have done the same with yours.

However, no amount of carnal euphoria can change the fact that I still have my reservations about unchaining you.

A deliberation for another day. It’s time to cook dinner. I’ve improved lots in the time we’ve known each other. You help around the kitchen as well. Harmless things like stirring batter or mixing a salad. I can’t trust you with actual food prep for reasons I’m sure are obvious and understandable. I try to create balanced meal plans. Now that I’m no longer eating alone and surviving off of misery, I want to show you that I’m both a great chef and a conscientious eater.

AA.

You watch the seasons shift outside the bedroom window and there’s nothing you can do.

You live life chained like a prisoner and there’s nothing you can do.

You eat off paper plates with the same utensils made for toddlers and there’s nothing you can do.

You let the same man whose touch was once so covetous pet you all over with his hands and mouth and there’s nothing you can do.

You’re stuck here forever and there’s nothing you can do.

There are highs higher than the clouds and then there are lows lower than the sea. You oscillate between these temperaments, a body thrown around on rocky waves. How you’ve yet to sink and drown for good, you’re not sure.

Today’s low has brought Azul to his knees. You stand over him, gripping the knife in a shaky hold. Chopped vegetables scatter in a rainbow on the floor. He had been chopping them so methodically, so wrapped up in pleasant conversation with you, that he hadn’t been expecting the retaliation. The blade is freshly sharpened. The perfect weapon. The perfect opportunity. Freedom just after this final hurdle.

Freedom that comes with its burdens—with a child and the law and the media and… And then what? A life of loneliness. A life spent working through mountains of trauma. A life in which you can never look at the train again.

Two blue eyes blink up at you. For the first time, Azul looks scared and weak—a small, pitiful thing. For the first time, you have him trapped beneath your thumb.

You want to bring the knife down and put an end to these cyclical days. You want to crush his spirits in the same way he crushed yours. You want him to know pain so brutal it rots him from the inside.

But you can’t. You want to and in an ideal scenario devoid of fear you would. But you can’t.

You dig your heel palms into your eyes and sob. “I can’t! I’m sorry. I… I can’t do it!”

Azul deflates with a deep sigh. “Oh… Oh, my angel, it’s all right. I forgive you. You’re just a little confused. A little emotional—I get it. We all have emotional moments. I’m not upset.”

“But I—I almost… I was going to—”

“You didn’t. You didn’t, my love, and that’s what matters.” 

He beckons you to his height; you lower to your knees. The knife is still clutched in your hands. He looks between it and you, as if weighing which is more dangerous. Volatile emotions or a blade. Maybe both.

Azul wraps his arms around you and rubs your back consolingly. “It’s okay. I’m not angry.”

You sniffle, but the tears won’t stop flowing. “Still… I almost did such a horrible thing to you. I could’ve hurt you—k-killed you!”

“My dear, it’s okay.” He kisses the top of your head, tucking you beneath his chin. “I forgive you.”

Your fingers tighten around the handle. “You do?”

“I do. I always will.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Angel—”

You turn the sharpened point inwards and slam it into his side, just below his rib. It pierces through soft flesh. You pull away just in time to see hurt and betrayal flash across his face, hot like the tears you’re now drying.

Shakily, his movements unsteady, he reaches for the handle. His fingers dance across it, assessing the reality of the situation. You stabbed him. You did it.

He hisses through his teeth when he tears it out. Blood spatters the kitchen floor in a brilliant, vermillion arc. Azul, knife in hand, staggers to his feet and lunges.

You stumble away in a blind panic. 

“How dare you…” He clutches his side with one hand while the other slashes through the air. You narrowly dodge before the knife can slice your arm. Blood seeps through Azul’s shirt, staining his palm red. His expression is twisted in a dark concoction of agony and anger. “I’ve shown you nothing but love and care… I’ve been nothing but patient. I’ve done everything! You were beginning to warm up to me—to this life—our life! I was wrong to trust you. Get back here—”

“You’re crazy! You assaulted me, kidnapped me, threatened me! Do you really think I’d love you after all of that?!” You yelp when his slick, blood-stained fingers wrap around your wrist to drag you down. “Stop! Let go of me!”

You elbow him in the ribs, which causes a shockwave of pain to travel through him, and it gives you enough time to wriggle free. Ripping your arm from his hold, you try to get away when he, aiming to subdue you, grabs hold of your ankle next. You feel the blade sink into your calf before you see it. A terrible cry frays your throat, torn from the depths of your chest like a flower pried from the soil.

“If I’m going to die…” He flops to his knees, wheezing. “If I’m going to die, you’ll die with me.”

“Like hell I will!” you hiss through your teeth, thrashing wildly.

Stupidly, you pull the knife from where it’s wedged in. Blood spurts from the wound, trickling down your leg in a thick, steady stream. You wince and limp towards the door. Closer… You’re almost there.

Azul reaches out with a bloodied hand, his expression utterly shattered. “Wait… Don’t go any further. Please… I need you. We need each other. My angel, my love, please don’t go!”

You tear your eyes away. He’s a monster. You’ll never sympathize with him.

Just before you can get to the front door, Azul picks himself up and wraps his arms around your waist. He pulls you down and your head hits the floor with a harsh smack. You see stars. The ceiling spins above you. You try to get up, crawl away, escape—whatever it takes to lose him—but he clings to your side, holding tight. His blood is warm and wet against your shirt. The pain in your calf is sparking up your leg, joining the ache at the back of your head in duet.

Pressed so closely, the flow of blood slows. Your shirt soaks up what the rest of his already drenched shirt can’t hold.

You watch the ceiling. The light looks like a halo; it shines brightly. Azul blinks up at you, hopelessly, sickly enthralled. The tip of the knife prods at your stomach. If it pierces, you don’t feel it. You’re sore all over. Bruises are already beginning to bloom.

At the bottom of the sea, clothed in frigid darkness, there is no sense of direction.

That’s the sweetest relief while you wade into unconsciousness with a parasitic angler.

#yandere twst #yandere twst x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #yandere twisted wonderland x reader #yandere azul ashengrotto #yandere azul ashengrotto x reader #yandere azul #yandere azul x reader #tw: noncon touching #tw: noncon #tw: chikan #n/sfw #tw: stalking

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I started putting my partner's dirty dishes on their desk after they leave them on my desk?

So, my partner and I have our computer desks in the same room. They stay up later than me and will frequently have a late night snack that produces dirty dishes. Very often, they will put the dishes on my desk if I'm already in bed so that it's out of the way while they game. The problem is that when they're done for the night, they'll frequently leave the dishes on my desk instead of taking it to the kitchen.

I don't really have a problem with them not taking the dishes to the kitchen right away because god knows I leave trash/dishes on my own desk sometimes too. I would just rather they don't leave it on my desk because then I have to move it somewhere before I use my computer, and I just end up putting it in the sink or dishwasher. I've tried asking them not to do it anymore multiple times and reminding them after they do it, and while they've gotten somewhat better they still leave dishes on my desk pretty often (it used to be every night and now it's just most nights kind of thing).

I really don't think asking them is going to do much more than it already has. We both have ADHD, but theirs is Definitely worse than mine. Very specifically their clutter blindness is a lot worse than mine, so I know the issue is that the dishes are out of sight, out of mind.

I want to start just moving the dishes to their desk so that it's back in their line of sight and they're reminded to deal with them without me verbalizing it, but I'm going back and forth about that idea. One one hand, I hate feeling like their mom and constantly reminding them to clean up after themselves. And if I don't remind them and just clean it up, then I pretty often end up doing more chores and not sitting down to relax as soon as I'd like to (i.e, oh they left some wrappers and a dirty bowl on my desk, well I'll just take it to the kitchen. Ugh, the sink is full and the dishwasher is clean. Well I'll just unload it really quick and load it again. Oh and the trash is also full so if I want to throw these wrappers away I need to take the trash out and put a new bag in. Suddenly it's 20-30 minutes later, which doesn't seem like much but it adds up when it's happening multiple times a week.) But on the flip side, I feel like this is the kind of thing that could be read as passive aggressive even though I really don't mean it that way. I'm not trying to punish them I just don't want to always be cleaning up after them when it's cutting into my already short evening relaxing time.

#aita #am i the asshole

[fluentmoviequoter]

Celebrity Crush

Pairing: Tim Bradford x fem!reader

Summary: You have what some might consider to be an odd celebrity crush. Until you meet him in real life, that is. | 1.1k+ words of fluff!

Masterlist | Tim Bradford Masterlist | Request Info/Fandom List

As you twirl your straw in your drink, you tune out the conversation of your friends. The message to get ready had come last minute, with only a few minutes to prepare for an outing before your best friend arrived to pick you up. You had been watching a true-crime documentary when the message came through, and rather than listen to your friends discuss their weekend plans, you think about the case in the show. Or, more specifically, one of the officers who worked the case.

“Hello,” one of your friends calls.

She draws the word out and waves a hand in front of your face, which you bat away when your attention returns to the restaurant and the people around you.

“Sorry,” you apologize. “What are we talking about?”

“Celebrity crushes!” she cheers. “Mine is Tom Cruise.”

“Gross! He’s old enough to be your dad,” another girl comments.

“And he can pay for everything like my dad, too.”

“Can we move on?” someone interrupts. “Who’s yours?”

“Mine?” you clarify, pointing at yourself. “Oh, uh, you probably haven’t heard of him.”

“C’mon, spill!” they encourage.

You shake your head, and the friend closest to you repeats, “Who’s your celebrity crush?”

“Tim Bradford,” you answer softly.

“Who?”

“He’s a cop, and he’s been in some documentaries. Like the ones with Corey Harris and Aaron Thorsen. Plus, a new one with doppelgangers,” you explain.

“So, he’s a cop, not a celebrity,” your best friend argues.

“He’s been on TV! More than once,” you point out.

“Girl, you know I love you, but that’s more of a ‘hear me out’ than a celebrity crush.”

You shake your head and sit back in your seat. The sooner you get home to finish the documentary, the better.

The next day, after you’ve finished the newest documentary and your crush on Tim Bradford has strengthened, you find yourself out shopping with your friends. Thankfully, they’ve moved on from the celebrity crush comment. While you’re in the third store of the day, you wait in the dressing rooms to rate your best friends’ choices while the other girls shop.

An employee approaches you with a nervous smile and asks if anyone else is in the fitting area.

“Yes, one of my friends is trying something on. Is everything okay?” you answer.

“Oh, of course. I don’t want to alarm you, but we’ve locked the doors because there are some suspicious characters in the area. The police are on the way, so everything will be under control soon.”

“Thanks for letting me know,” you say.

She sighs in relief that you were kind about the ordeal, then walks away to alert other customers. You look toward the large windows on the storefront but don’t see anything happening in the parking lot.

A few minutes later, after your friends have purchased their items and are waiting to leave, two police officers walk to the locked door and knock on it. The employee you spoke to earlier rushes to let them in and obeys when the male officer instructs her to lock the door again.

“Ladies, we’re with the LAPD,” the shorter man says. “Our colleagues are outside handling the situation as we speak. However, we need your help; if you’ve noticed anything out of the ordinary today, please meet me at the counter and we’ll fill out a report.”

The employees follow him to the counter, and you realize that he is in the documentaries you’ve been watching. As you turn to look outside again, you see the other officer.

“Are you Sergeant Tim Bradford?” you ask.

“Yes, ma’am,” he answers. “Can I help you with something?”

“Oh, no, I just watched the documentaries you were in and thought it was you. Your insight was informative; I liked listening to your side of the case.”

He smiles kindly and says, “I’m glad.”

You nod, then step back and look around the store. Unsure how much longer you’ll have to wait, you take a moment to look at the merchandise. You usually tag along on shopping trips but don’t buy anything. Your friends have different tastes than you, and an easier time buying things for themselves. One item catches your eye, and you run your finger over it. They have your preferred size, and you tap it a few times before you look away again.

Unknown to you, Tim watches you. He’s seen people come up to Aaron, Lucy, and even Nolan, and claim to have seen them on television. Those encounters usually end with someone asking for a picture, an autograph, and, once, to get their cousin released early. This is the first time he’s heard a genuine compliment, and he’s happy to have been the one you chose to give it to.

“Officer Bradford?” his partner calls. “A word?”

You smile at Tim when you look toward him, and with his eyes already on you, he notices immediately. He dips his chin as he walks past you, and you walk across the room to your friends.

“Wait, is that your celebrity crush?” your best friend whispers. “You didn’t say he was like… Abercrombie model hot!”

You shrug, and she turns to your other friends to talk about how attractive the officers are. Your gaze wanders back to the only thing in the store you’d ever consider buying, but you shake your head and look at Tim Bradford instead.

“The situation has been handled and the area is safe now. You’re free to go,” he announces. “Thank you for your help.”

Your friends rush out, eager to get to another store, but you walk toward the door at a normal pace. Tim and his partner are walking out too, and you hold the door for them.

“Go ahead,” Tim tells his partner. “Thanks,” he says to you.

He stops beside you, and you let the door close. After a glance over his shoulder, Tim passes you a bag.

“What is this?” you inquire.

“A thank you.”

“For?”

“Being nice. Plus, you didn’t ogle me like your friends.”

You chuckle and smile as you argue, “You’ve got to be used to that.”

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

You peek in the bag and see the item you were looking at. “I can’t accept this.”

“The ladies inside told me I had to take something for keeping them safe.”

“And you got me something?” Tim smiles, and you shake your head. “Thank you.”

“If you’d really like to thank me or hear more about those cases you seem to like so much, maybe we could meet for dinner sometime.”

“I would love that.”

“Great. I have to go, but… give me a call.”

You watch him leave, then realize that he didn’t give you his number. As you walk away, you pull the receipt from the bag. But it isn’t a receipt. It’s a piece of paper with his name and number. Under that, he wrote, I never wanted to be a celebrity crush before today.

#tim bradford x reader #tim bradford x fem!reader #tim bradford imagine #tim bradford the rookie #tim bradford #the rookie abc #fem!reader #hanna writes✯

[drdemonprince]

My friends all went to steamworks together for their Genderfucked night, but stopped going when they got rid of that event.

I found it really off-putting that the Seattle location changed it to purple party and used an image that seems like a cis guy to advertise. i didn't even know it was supposed to be a night for trans men until i messaged them.

it felt like they wanted to SAY they had a trans night without accidentally having trans people find out about it? 😕

i also don't like that trans women aren't explicitly included. theyre 'welcome' but its a night for trans men. idk im trans masc but i don't like that.

In terms of the branding and marketing, I can see it both ways, tbh. When something is more visibly and clearly broadcasted as "trans night" it's easier for the realllly ignorant chasers to come out of the woodwork. The kinda people who ask you "wait did you used to be a boy or did you used to be a girl?" while you have their prince albert piercing in your hands, or ask to honk your boobs.

If it's more a sly signaling then it feels more like it's for the community, to me.

i looked up the poster to see what you meant, i'm assuming it's this one:

for me, this is sly in exactly the right way. i get what the message is right away. tho i agree with you, it would be a lot better if the guy was hippier or thicker. they need fatter and curvier dudes on these advertisements in general, everything runs super twunky.

i understand why you'd want the messaging to be more explicit and less focused on cis standards of appearance. the Chicago Steamworks brands their night as TM4M, which I think nails it. if you're trans or not a dipshit you know exactly what it means, it centers trans men as the ones being there actively looking FOR men to sleep with rather than presenting them as the prize, and it's terminology we actually use. it's clear enough that now some of the weird chasers of the type i mentioned have started coming sometimes, but that's a consequence of the most ignorant in society starting to learn about what trans men are.

Steamworks chicago also has a TW4M night just as often, which is for trans women, and I think that works out pretty well from what i've heard. Having TM and TW nights *and* a genderqueer night of some kind would be even better. going from having a "gender fucked" night with a broad definition to having something primarily for trans men is definitely a downgrade.

to the best of my knowledge Steamworks operates under a franchise model so every owner does things a little differently. Chicago Steamworks has no gear/rubber nights whereas other cities' do, and I find that disappointing. they're pretty decent on trans things though.

[saintsenara]

What I really struggle with in HP is JKR's shallow neoliberal world-building, and how it forces characters to navigate it quite awkwardly. As a big fan of the werewolf lore, I hate what she did there. I want to accept some of the self hatred and oversimplification of the society as complexities of the characters, but some of it also just feels like bad writing. Of course I am a bit of a Lupin stan and I'll do some gymnastics to try to make him a better man/werewolf than he'd ever be (I like to picture him as kind of a Union rep), but I don't know, I just really feel like canon is lacking. Am I just not a great reader?

no, i don't think you're a bad reader, anon.

when it comes to worldbuilding, jkr is certainly no tolkien - a lot of the inconsistencies in canon [i.e. why dumbledore flies to the ministry in philosopher's stone] come from her not having the world fully mapped out prior to writing, and, while this isn't as much of an issue as the fandom makes out [lots of authors adapt their worldbuilding as they go along!], it's definitely exacerbated by the fact that she has a tendency to claim certain inconsistencies were intentional.

the series' politics are also clearly incredibly neoliberal. and part of this [such as the fact that the order is defending the "sensible" status quo] is obviously a bleed-through from jkr's worldview, and i think it's legitimate to acknowledge and criticise that and how it manifests itself in the doylist text.

nonetheless, i think it is worth saying that the fandom has a tendency to criticise aspects of the text which ought instead to be understood as intentional spaces we can devote our energy to filling in. the genre conventions of the series require it to become an uncomplicated good-versus-evil trajectory which ends with all being well - and i do think that, when we're criticising jkr's writing, it's important to acknowledge that the ending of the series feels unsatisfactory because it does these conventions properly, rather than in spite of that fact. similarly, the reason that apparently key aspects of wizarding society [law, politics, etc.] don't get discussed in detail is because they're not the series' focus - i've mentioned elsewhere that i'm obsessed with the concept of wizarding medicine, and that i find the way this is presented in the series really shallow, but i recognise that this is because medicine isn't something the series wants to focus on. order of the phoenix is too long as it is - we don't need 200 more pages of detailed descriptions of how healers learn their craft...

and so i think it's fun for us to work in our own writing to make the worldbuilding feel a bit more cohesive.

the easiest way i've found to square this circle with the watsonian text is to recognise that harry is a partial narrator. he's someone with an incredibly self-serving, black-and-white moral code; he's incredibly privileged within wizarding society and comparatively privileged within muggle society [by which i don't mean that he isn't neglected by the dursleys, but he's also canonically white, able-bodied, cisgender, a native english speaker, well-educated, raised in a middle-class household and so on] and, therefore, never has to actually think about the politics and structure of wizarding society; and he's also a teenage boy, which explains him not being particularly observant or politically aware.

[the best example of this is, of course, that he doesn't give a shit about sirius' treatment of kreacher - because he likes sirius - and he doesn't consider his own mastery over kreacher to be a moral abomination - because he's shown to not really understand the broader social impact of slavery - but he detests the malfoys' treatment of dobby entirely and only because he dislikes the malfoys.]

his attitude towards lupin - and his attitude towards werewolves more generally - can be made sense of through this, i think. harry doesn't care about the broader state-sanctioned oppression of werewolves because it doesn't impact him, he cares about lupin's experience because it does; harry doesn't notice the imperialist overtones to lupin's self-presentation [that is, that he bears "the unmistakable signs of having tried to live among wizards"] and considers lupin's embrace of "civilisation" to be a good thing [in comparison to werewolves like greyback, who reject it] because it's what he personally considers legitimate; harry focuses on specific aspects of lupin's character because he's not a omniscient perspective - he's a [canonically short-sighted] teenage boy.

#asks answered

[sailorsenshishitposter]

Jogo x Reader

Jogo:

Your favorite Disney character is Mike Wazoski, you were voted most likely to need anger management or you're secretly Squidward Tentacles

First Date:

You decided to take a break from your stroll and sit down on a park bench. You were in your eighties and nearly blind at this point but you thought that you were doing pretty well for someone that wasn't locked up in an old folks home. You then heard the sound of laughter. Ah, children. Gone were the days of your youth  "It's nice to see kids playing outside instead of being on their gizmos."

Your hearing aids then picked up something. "Hey granny, you can see me?" It was the boy you heard laughing earlier. "My eye sight isn't what it used to be but yes, I can make out various shapes. "Hmm... You've got a strong soul grandma, I can see it!" You were flattered. "Why thank you young man. Would you like some candy?" The boy pouted. "I don't think I'm supposed to take candy from strangers. Tell you what, I'll give you my name so then we'll know each other. I'm Mahito. Nice to meet you!"

You tried to give Mahito some candy but he politely refused. "I think you need it more than I do. Don't old people have lower nutrients?" He seemed to be asking himself rather than you. "Ah! Here granny! Take some of my home made candy!" He then dropped some small drops into your palms. The texture was strange and it almost felt like skin but you didn't want to be rude so you accepted the gift and placed them in your purse."

Guess she can't hear their cries due to her hearing. Too bad..." Mahito uttered to himself. "What was that son?" He stopped blowing bubbles and then came up with a plan on the spot. "I was just wondering if you wanted to meet my family! I think they would really enjoy your company. What do you say?" You smiled and gave a nod. "All right Mahito, let's go find them." The curse walked ahead of you and began to maniacally grin. "Jogo, Jogo... You shouldn't have screwed me over while we were playing monopoly... I'm going to make you regret being born!"

Mahito brought you to the play ground and walked over to the slide area. Kenjaku raised an eyebrow but made no attempt to stop him. "This is my family grandma!" You walked over to the man Mahito was closest to. "You have such a wonderful son. You must be so proud. He even gave me candy!" Mahito was trying not to burst from laughter while Kenjaku began to respond. "Unfortunately he's not my son. I'm more of a care taker. He has no patents sadly." You gasped. "How unfortunate."

"Yes, well luckily I'm a father myself so I thought it would be best to add him to the family." How sweet. "That's so kind of you. If you don't mind me asking, where are your other children?" The man's eyes narrowed at Mahito, giving him a look that said 'be grateful I haven't eaten you yet'. "My son's are currently enrolled in high school. They used to be home schooled but we thought it would be better if they were closer with their youngest half brother. Yuji is a growing boy after all and I'm sure that his nine brothers will help his potential grow."

Wow. Nine kids? You started to wonder how all of them could attend school but decided it was better not to ask. They might be more children from a previous relationship or at the very worst, some of them might be have been held back a grade or two. "Mahito, why don't you introduce them to the rest of the family?" The curse gulped and quickly got the point.

As you walked away, the thousand year old brain was happy to finally be rid of you and your irritating questions about his previous failures (children). Mahito then introduced you to his next "family member". "This is Hanami. He doesn't speak our language unfortunately but I can translate for you." The curse then started to speak it's strange language. "He says that he'll be sure to bring lots of beautiful flowers to your grave once you pass."

You chuckled nervously. You didn't think you were in that bad of a state yet. Next Mahito introduced you to Dagon. He told you that he was their beloved dog and that was why he was so large. You could hardly see as it was so of course you bought it. "And finally..." Mahito then walked up to the sleeping curse and began dumping mentos into its volcano head. Suddenly there was magma and the curse was stringing profanities at the boy. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, MAHITO!?"

"Oh my. Did it suddenly got hotter? The forecast called for cooler weather today. I suppose I'll need to take my sweater off." Jogo's eye then opened wide. "Granny, this is my old man. Grandpa, say hello!" Jogo then tried to use his domain expansion but Mahito quickly cut off his head. "If you know what's good for you then behave or I'll use your head to play soccer again..." The curse relented. He didn't need to be told twice.

Jogo grit his teeth and glared at you. "H-hello..." Mahito then kept pestering him. "And what...?" Jogo sighed. "Ni-ice to m-meet y-you..." The younger curse began to laugh. "See? That wasn't so hard! Now I'm off to go get some groceries old man so you better behave! See you both later!"

Now it was just the two of you. "Huh? What's that awful racket?" You couldn't hear as well as Jogo did. "I believe it's coming from your purse... May I check it?..." You promptly handed over your bag. The curse opened it and found the source of his complaints. "That damn punk!" He took the "candy" out of your bag and quickly incinerated it. "You can have this back now."

"Your grandson is so sweet!" Jogo scoffed. "Don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth!"

"Well, he can't be that bad if he's yours."

"You don't even know me..." You laced your fingers with his palm. "Then let me get to know you..."

Over the few hours the two of you began to bond. You both loved nature, preferred to relax. You even both hated those kids that always skate on the sidewalk. "You're the first hum- I mean, person I can relate to. Maybe the human race isn't so bad..."

Suddenly two boys came running towards you. "MAHITO!""Here granny. Try some of the jerky I brought!" You went to reach for a piece but the other boy was quicker and scarfed them all down. "Mahito... How many fingers did you let him eat..." The curse whistled. "Dunno, I lost count after five. Well, I'm done. Later Jogo!" You stared at the unconious boy. "We need to call an ambulance!""... Listen carefully... You need to step back..."

You didn't understand what he was talking about and then something happened. "Hey, I think he's starting to wake!" Jogo tried his best not to shit himself (can curses shit?). "We're doomed..."

"I see you think pretty highly of yourselves..." Jogo immediately began to bow. "Hey! You better follow my lead or you're as good as dead!" You however refused to comply. You stood in front of the boy and waved your finger in his face. "Why I never! Back in my day, children respected the older generations! Youth these days are so arrogant! You need to be taught some manners my boy!"

Kenjaku stood on the sidelines with a bucket of popcorn in his hand. Internally Jogo was screaming "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!" "Wench, it is you who do not know your place. If anything, I'm far older than you. If I were in my true form, I would not even eat you, your body being nothing but a rotting sack of bones at this point. For you I have something else in store. I haven't used this since the Heian era. Domain expansion, elder abuse!"

Suddenly your right ankle had been slashed causing you to fall over. "My leg! Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" The king of Curses chuckled. "What's this Karen? Didn't you say that you were going to put me in my place?" You desperately tried to use your cane and swat him with it. "That's it! C'mon, try harder!" You then moved to bash his kneecaps. Sukuna swiftly doged it. "Keep trying!"

It was ten minutes later and you were still writhing on the floor in agony. "Pathetic..." You reached your hand over to Jogo. "I'm glad to have met you. You remind me of the boy my granddaughter fell in love with. They would often play chess..." With your last ounce of strength, you opened up your locket and showed him a picture of the couple. It looked like a blind girl and a ninja turtle? It must be that ant curse that Geto was talking about.

The next thing Jogo knew and your head had been crushed underneath Sukuna's foot. "Know your place... Fool!" Jogo's heart had been crushed just like your brain. The curse began to fall over and go into cardiac arrest. "I thought you would stand proud and face me? I guess you aren't that strong after all." Sukuna was about to finish off the curse until his old brain buddy showed up. "Hey, Sukuna. Mind if I take this one?" After receiving the go ahead, Kenjaku began to vore down the weakened curse.

Sukuna smirked. "Kenjaku always does the grossest things!" Kenny then walked right on up towards Mahito. "You see that? That's what will happen to you if you pull another stunt like this again!" Mahito had won but at what cost? 

#shitpost #cursed #crack fic #crack ship #crack treated seriously #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujutsu kaisen x you #jjk x you #jjk x reader #jogo jjk #jujutsu kaisen jogo #You are 80 years old and Mahito forces Jogo to endure being around you because he's still mad about losing at monopoly #mahito gives you candy but it's tiny transfiguration humans #I've fallen and I can't get up meme #jogoat #lobotomy kaisen #Kenjaku vores mahito #mahito #gambare gambare #Reader is a Karen who hates kids skating on the sidewalk and tries to hit sukuna with their cane #Your grandkid is komugi from hxh

[bomberqueen17]

Loftus Bralette Mk II COMPLETE!!

OK the second round of construction went more smoothly and, yes, as I suspected, most of the fit issues were solved by sewing more carefully.

I fucked up the center gore, it drifted out of position while I was sewing it down and I did not realize. I'm going to have to pick that out and redo it I think, or somehow fix it.

But, overall, it has now taken its place as The Nicest Best-Fitting Bra I Own, and it's cute besides.

[image description: a red lace and black bra lies on the table in front of a sewing machine, straps not yet connected.]

The waistband is silver metallic, and I thought about just putting the other solid black elastic I have on there instead, but then i was like, meh, I'll just do it as packaged. But now I wish there was some silver anywhere else in this thing. Yeah I might go back and add silver metallic topstitching in some places. If I have time and get obsessive, LOL.

[image description: the red and black and silver bra, on my body, cropped rather closely because nobody really needs to investigate my shower that much.]

So the fit is much better than the first one, there's no bagging or sagging or gapping or anything, but on the right of the photo there the center gore got wobbly at the top and I have to fix that.

Overall I wish it corralled my boobs more forward than it does, they're kind of leaning toward my armpits a tiny bit more than I'd like.

But it turns out there's an entire series of blog posts about tweaking the fit of the Cashmerette bras. So there's a whole post about narrowing that center gore, and another post with a section about shortening the inside edge of the powerbar to increase support that way. So I may do those two things for my next version, and see how that works out.

#sewing #diy #bra making #loftus bralette

[monstrousproductions]

Would it fuck with your licensing to put up ad-free season albums on Bandcamp or an ad-free RSS feed on the Patreon/Ko-fi? Pocket Casts skip buttons work fine, Acast just has terrible taste in ads (podcasters shilling for AirBnB and ads for cosmetic injections, to name a couple) and blast you after the more reasonable volume of Monstrous Agonies.

It's not the license that's the issue - it's the lack of hours in the day!

I don't know how an ad-free RSS feed works because I haven't looked into it - off the top of my head I think the RSS feed itself is hosted on Acast so I'm not sure how it could be ad-free? However, looking into it would take time that I'm more likely to spend on something else.

I've done my best to avoid the worst of the ads by opting out of anything military, gambling, or mental health related (just say no to Better Help!) but Acast don't make it easy to tailor what kind of ads get put on your content.

For the volume issues, that's actually a problem with how MA was originally mixed. As a baby podcaster, I made the show far quieter than industry standard.

In a dream world, I could hire someone to remaster them all (and perhaps update the credits and show-notes so they're pointing at the right website...) but that's not in our budget atm. So unfortunately, most of MA is mixed much more quietly than your average ad.

Every episode of MA is already up on Patreon, and I don't think it's even behind a paywall. However, they did all go up as separate posts rather than an RSS feed, so it might be a bit more of a faff to listen to than a podcatcher.

With regards to Bandcamp, I've never looked into it - again, just a lack of time and attention to spare! We're about to take two weeks off from Travelling Light so perhaps I'll find time to look at that then, but I'm making no promises just because there's also a bunch of other stuff that needs to be done during that time (including planning the next 8 weeks of TL, working on our marketing/promo stuff for that, and the ongoing process of transferring the MA transcripts from the old website to the new one)

I appreciate you asking, and am always glad to hear of new ways to make the listening experience better. Unfortunately I'm basically doing all the back-end podcastery stuff single-handed and there's just not enough time to get to everything - or enough money to pay someone else to get to it!

#monstrous askbox #hope that helped and wasnt too whiffly

[tobiasdrake]

Digimon Adventure 01x03 - The Blue Wolf! Garurumon! / Garurumon

Previously on Digimon Adventure: Prank phone calls sure do hit different when the emergency line operator is the one doing them.

Good news is, we have like a day's worth of food. Bad news is, we're still in this awful place File Island and don't know how to go home. Or even where we can physically be that won't piss off territorial wildlife. Man, when I signed up for an Isekai, I was promised elf waifus and unearned combat supremacy; I want to speak with this place's manager!

We open on Taichi standing on the edge of a cliff, staring into emo distance. He's trying to make sense of the rules of this death world. Why did only Agumon evolve? Why did he lose his evolution and revert to Agumon again?

Agumon has no answers for him. As noted last episode, the Partner Digimon don't understand how this works either. We're all figuring this shit out together.

Dub Tai makes the wild-ass claim that they've already searched the whole island, which is a bald-faced lie given that exploring File Island will take up much of this arc. Then he just brags about how Greymon is super badass, rather than contemplating how evolution works.

Tai does also ask Agumon why he can't remain as Greymon, but he's more macho about it and kind of mean. "I like you better as Greymon," he says with actual words from his mouth. Agumon apologetically explains that "Even superheroes need a rest."

No time to keep thinking about this, nature has discovered us once again. Monochromon, an Adult-stage Digimon, smashes through some nearby rocks. Tentomon assures us that Monochromon are docile. The narrator agrees, but adds that they have a foul temper.

As a second Monochromon emerges from the other side of the group, the kids quickly decide to skedaddle out of the way. The Monochromon aren't here for us, we're just in the crossfire. Nature can be like that sometimes.

Tentomon speculates that this is a territorial dispute. Makes sense, and also not our problem so we book. Fleeing from this violence, Takeru trips and falls, but Yamato stops to help him, giving the brothers a nice moment.

Once we've run as far as we can from the territory duel, Mimi gets tired. She offhandedly complains that all this walking is going to thicken her calves, prompting Agumon to chime in that thick calves are good 'cause you can kick dirt with them. Palmon argues that leafy feat are better. Mimi is unswayed by both of these arguments.

Dub Mimi adds a bit about shopping malls; "I don't walk this much unless I'm at a mall, and as you can see, we're nowhere near one!" However, the thrust of her complaint remains that she's tired and sore from all this walking. Agumon inexplicably suggests she'd feel better if she took off her shoes and walked in bare feet. Palmon doubles down, saying she loves the feel of dirt between her toes. Mimi is not impressed.

Meanwhile, Koushiro and Sora discuss the strangely colored sunset of File Island. Even the sky in this place is weird. In any case, the sunset brings a more pressing concern: It's going to get dark soon. We're about to spend our first night on File Island.

Tentomon notices the smell of water in the air, so he takes to the sky to scout out and discovers a lake nearby. A freshwater drinking source is a huge discovery in a survival situation, so we should head that way!

It takes very little time to reach a survival consensus. Everyone is tired and hungry. We'll make camp at the lake and figure things out in the morning.

Well, consensus except for Dub Matt. Yamato likes the idea of stopping to rest for reasons that are clearly visible onscreen with him and require no elaboration. Matt, however, decides to be contrarian and barks that "We should keep walking and stop all the complaining!" Harsh, Matt.

Lake's full of telephone poles and shit but honestly we are past caring that File Island is weird. As we approach the lake, the group takes a moment to agree that this is a great spot to camp out for the night.

Mimi's nervous, though. She asks Taichi to clarify that camping means they have to sleep outdoors, which he confirms.

However, a new option suddenly presents itself courtesy of File Island being so weird. As if directly responding to their presence, a trolley sitting on a little island connected to the mainland by a manmade stone bridge suddenly turns on and calls their attention to it.

As they race for the trolley, Dub Tai inexplicably calls out, "Mimi, wait up!" as he leaps through the doors, despite being the first kid to set foot on it.

Having thoroughly failed their Don't Get In A Stranger's Car check, they take a moment investigating the trolley. Taichi and Koushiro confirm that nobody's here. Taichi's extremely bothered by this whole thing. Jou agrees, wondering aloud if the trolley's going to start moving by itself, but Taichi waves him off; There aren't any tracks for the trolley to go down.

Dub Tai agrees with Joe, but thinks it might actually be good if the trolley suddenly kidnaps them all. It might take them home. Dub Tai somehow manages to be worse at Stranger Danger than any of the Japanese crew. To be fair, he's not alone; Dub Mimi said that too.

Well, it's decided. We'll sleep in the trolley tonight. Just like that, the group sets to work on foraging for food and supplies. Last episode, the Digimon said they're good at foraging; Now they get to show off their skills, gathering various fruits and berries. Mimi tries to help, but Palmon stops her from accidentally picking poisonous mushrooms.

Jou and Sora gather firewood while Koushiro and Takeru catch fish to cook. Taichi and Yamato prepare the fire and just like that, we're camping.

When he sees Takeru struggling with figuring out how to eat a whole fish like this, Yamato offers to de-bone it for him. Taichi interrupts and tells Takeru to just start at the head and bite; Takeru accepts that advice and gives it a try.

In the dub, T.K. complains that his mom wouldn't like this. He's only supposed to eat fish sticks, and he's not supposed to eat with his fingers. Matt assures T.K. that he won't tattle, and Tai chimes in to tell him he's "hanging with the big boys now" which seems to settle his nerves.

From there, Taichi approaches Sora, who's filling up a bamboo shaft with water from the lake. He's noticed that Takeru refers to Yamato as "Onii-chan" and he's curious about it. Sora's as lost as he is about it.

Dub Tai already gets that Matt and T.K. are brothers, and instead complains that Matt "doesn't treat T.K. like a brother, only like he's a bother." Rude. Sora agrees, but suggests he's still learning how to be a big brother.

Jou returns from having a short walk around, stargazing. He's been trying to use the night sky to figure out where the hell File Island is, but the sky is wrong. Not just wrong for Japan; It's just wrong. Neither the North Star nor the Southern Cross can be found. So we are neither in the Northern Hemisphere nor the Southern. What does that leave?

Sora quickly corroborates, observing that she can't find any familiar constellations either.

Dub Joe is less thorough than Jou. He doesn't look for the Southern Cross, instead settling on the idea that we must be in the Southern Hemisphere if he can't find the North Star. Mystery solved.

Before long, it's officially time for bed. Time to spend our first night on File Island. Koushiro wants to establish a night watch rotation, which Taichi and Jou quickly agree to.

Taichi suggests that the girls shouldn't have to keep watch. Upon hearing this, Yamato jumps to his feet to demand that Takeru be excluded too. Takeru volunteers to take a turn anyway, but Yamato tells him no; Takeru should just sleep.

The dub cuts Tai's line about wanting Sora and Mimi excluded from the rotation, which leaves Matt issuing demands on T.K.'s behalf out of nowhere. This still works for the scene's intent.

Mimi points out that they have no bedding to sleep with. Getting an idea, Taichi goes straight for Gabumon, trying to steal his pelt away from him. He's only playing around, and he lets go as soon as Gabumon freaks out and runs.

Dub Tai somehow makes this about Mimi, playing her up like a predator in the night who's going to come for Gabumon in the night and cut off his tail.

Yamato angrily shoves Taichi away from Gabumon and the two nearly come to blows before the others tell them to quit it. Jou interrupts, calling the group's attention together so they can set up the shifts. With Sora, Mimi, and Takeru all excluded, the rotation he comes up with is:

Taichi

Yamato

Koushiro

Jou

Sora and Mimi remain excluded from the list even in the dub, so I guess Joe's the sexist one in this version. :P

As the kids prepare for bed in the trolley, they proceed to make unbelievably poor use of all that seating area. Everyone has to sleep in a sitting position but like there is so much space y'all.

Mimi's upset because she's used to sleeping in a bed. Dub Mimi instead is mad that she has to share sleeping space with other people. Rude.

Going to bed, we're made privy to each of their last thoughts as they drift off. Sora hopes they aren't attacked in the night. Mimi wants to take a bath. Koushiro expects it will be a long day for the group tomorrow. Jou wants this all to have been a dream.

In the dub, T.K. bids everyone good night with, "Don't let the Monochromon bite," giving Sora a specific monster anxiety to worry about. Mimi's feet are still sore. Izzy speculates that the aliens he's still on about put the trolley here to help them. Joe worries about getting "monster cooties", actual quote.

Yamato's staked out his own bench to rest on. He orders Gabumon to go keep Takeru warm. Gabumon teases him about loving his brother and Yamato storms off in a fit of embarrassment.

As the group drifts off to sleep, things start to go to shit almost immediately. The other shoe finally begins to drop during Taichi's shift, as he steps on a strange red leaf on his way to wash his face. Nothing comes of it, however. Not yet.

While Taichi's washing his face to stay awake during his shift, Yamato exits the trolley to get away from everyone. He apologizes to Taichi for their earlier fight, and confides that Takeru's closer to Taichi than to him because of his overprotective behavior; Calling back to the earlier incident with the cooked fish.

Dub Matt, meanwhile, continues being a total jerk. He still apologizes but, rather than opening up about his feelings, Matt aggressively blames "having to watch T.K." for his behavior. Nice, bro.

Taichi asks Yamato to explain the nature of their relationship for him. Yamato explains that they're brothers from a broken home; Their parents divorced and the brothers were split between them, which is why they have different last names.

The dub hasn't been playing coy about this the way the original did, so Tai instead has to ask, "Do you two even live in the same house!?" out of nowhere to provoke Matt's explanation. Matt answers that they're half-brothers so that's why they see each other so rarely.

Having had his fill of emotional honesty, Yamato splits with Taichi and goes to play his harmonica by the lake shore. He's shortly joined by Gabumon, doing a startlingly poor job of being Takeru's blanket.

That's when it happens.

Okay, fucko, I can handle being stepped on but that is a bridge too far. Local wildlife mad now.

I blame Taichi for this. 100%. That fin wasn't exactly hard to spot.

This is the Adult-stage Seadramon, the first of a particular kind of Digimon. The "dramon" lineage is a pun on the word "dragon". Any time you meet a -dramon, that's a dragon Digimon. Seadramon is, of course, the Sea Dragon Digimon.

Seadramon honestly wants nothing to do with this. His first reaction to his rude awakening is to try and peace out. Unfortunately, his tail is embedded in the island, so he ends up dragging it around with him.

Tentomon explains that Seadramon is normally pretty docile. He only attacks if he feels threatened. As long as we haven't threatened him, we should be fine. As Tentomon says this, he hops directly onto Seadramon's tail like an idiot.

Really playing up how much this impending fight is absolutely, 100% our fault. We screwed up. Seadramon is trying to defend himself against us.

This context doesn't make it into the dub. Instead, Tentomon assures the others that they'll be fine as long as Seadramon doesn't realize they're here; However, by stepping on Seadramon's tail like that, he reveals their presence to the dangerous predator.

Wrenching his tail free of the island, Seadramon retaliates by submerging himself and pushing the island further out into the lake until it collides with those telephone poles we saw earlier and can't budge any further.

Seeing Takeru in trouble, Yamato doesn't even hesitate to throw himself in the water and swim halfway across the dragon-occupied lake to reach his brother. Gabumon hesitates for a moment, not wanting to get his fur wet, but pursues Yamato anyway.

As Seadraman renews his assault on the island, the Child-stage Digimon try to fend him off, but their attacks are useless against an Adult-stage Digimon as usual. Taichi tries to get Agumon to evolve, but he can't; Agumon doesn't know why. As previously established, the Digimon don't understand this whole thing any better than the kids do.

Dub Agumon is lost too, but at least offers speculation. He thinks his body might still be tired from his fight with Shellmon. Valid theory.

Takeru falls in the water trying to get to Yamato, but Gomamon gives him a ride. Trusting Gomamon to take care of Takeru, Yamato and Gabumon throw themselves into the Seadramon fight.

Gabumon's signature move is Petit Fire. Like Baby Flame, this conveys the idea that it's a junior attack fitting of a Child-stage Digimon. The dub calls it Blue Blaster. Like the other Child attacks, Petit Fire is useless against Seadramon, who flicks Gabumon away with little difficulty.

Wrapping his tail around Yamato, Seadramon goes in for the kill.

The dub uses careful language to avoid explicitly saying that Seadramon is going to kill Matt, but nonetheless conveys the same idea. Tentomon calls Seadramon a "bubble brain" but explains that "once he finds his prey, he won't let go".

Takeru, Patamon, and Gabumon briefly discuss what they can do. Takeru wants Patamon to help, but Patamon is powerless so he turns to Gabumon. Gabumon's hesitation strikes again; He wants to help Yamato but he isn't strong enough to intervene.

However, as he watches Seadramon choke the life out of Yamato, Gabumon thinks about his harmonica music and how much he wants to hear it again. He dwells on that music and how badly he wants to hear Yamato play, then lets out a bloodcurdling scream and begins his Adult-stage evolution.

None of this emotional conflict makes it into the dub. English Gabumon agrees to go save Matt immediately, calling out that he's on his way and assertively saying, "What's a little stinky fur compared to a friend like him?"

Either way, Gabumon SHINKAAAAAA!!!

Gabumon's Adult-stage is Garurumon, another onomatopoeia name. He's named for the sound of a wolf growling. "Garururururu...."

While Garurumon and Seadramon fight, Tentomon explains that Garurumon's fur is as strong as the legendary metal mythril. The kids don't know what that is, so Koushiro asks for clarification. This puts Tentomon on the spot, who has to admit that he doesn't know what mythril is either. Taichi wonders aloud if they should really be trusting Tentomon's word when he's explaining the Digimon lore.

Dub Tentomon only equates Garurumon's fur to steel, and adds that he's a "growling torpedo". Izzy understands what that means and declares Garurumon to be invincible, forcing Tentomon to backpedal and say it's only local heresay, nothing concrete. Tai then accuses him of "exaggerating with another one of your wild fish tales again". Uh, another?

For once, we get some focus on the antagonist's special moves too. Seadramon is a wild animal so he doesn't talk, but Tentomon explains this to be his signature move Ice Arrow. Fitting for a sea dragon, he has frost breath.

Garurumon matches it with his Fox Fire. The dub calls this Howling Blaster.

Y'all, he just wanted to sleep.

Gomamon's Marching Fishes bring us back to land, but the sun comes up and nobody's rested. Exhausted, conversation turns to Gabumon's evolution.

Sora suggests that Gabumon was able to evolve this time because it was Yamato in danger. Taichi remembers Agumon evolving to protect him and corroborates that theory. The kids are beginning to develop an understanding of how evolution functions.

Once that's settled, the kids find spaces in the grass to snooze; Everyone's too tired to even care anymore where they rest their heads.

We close this episode on Yamato playing Takeru and Gabumon to sleep.

...I guess technically it is his turn to take watch.

#digimon #digimon adventure #revisiting digimon #revisiting digimon adventure

[ejzah]

A/N: A random little Kensi and Rosa fic.

***

I’d Prefer the Truth

“Kensi, can you a question?”

“Of course,” Kensi told her, then immediately amended. “Unless it’s something that Mama Deeks said. It’s probably best if you ignore any of her stories.”

Rosa laughed softly. “No, it’s nothing like that.” She folded her hands on her lap, something about the position telling Kensi this was more than the usual school or friend related talk. “Um, so the other day, you and Marty were talking about making some doctors appointments.”

Kensi nodded slowly, remembering the conversation, but not certain where Rosa was headed.

“I’m sorry, do we need to reschedule something? We tried to work around all of your classes and after school activities,” Kensi apologized.

“The times are fine,” Rosa insisted. “No. When you started talking about the dentist, you mentioned both of you taking the day off and something about Deeks needing medication.” She picked at her nails, her brows furrowing with worry. “Is he ok?”

Kensi closed her eyes briefly, internally cursing herself. Of course Rosa would think the worst and be concerned about Deeks. With both of her birth parents gone, she had to be horrified at the thought of losing another father.

Taking both of Rosa’s hands between her own, Kensi shook them lightly until she looked up. “Hey, listen to me. Deeks is alright. He’s not sick or hurt,” Kensi assured her. “I won’t tell you specifics because it’s Deeks’ story to share. What I can tell you is that several years ago, Deeks was involved in a really awful case where he did get hurt. Since then, dentist appointments of any kind have been difficult.”

“Oh my god,” Rosa whispered, freeing one hand to cover her mouth.

“It’s much, much better now. Deeks uses medication just in case.”

“Well, is there anything I should do to help?”

Kensi pressed her lips together to combat the sudden urge to cry. They really did have the greatest kid.

“Oh sweetie, you don’t have to worry about that. Deeks might just be a little out of it or on edge. Honestly, he’ll probably come home and sleep the rest of the day,” Kensi told her.

Over the years, she’d gotten used to the unfortunately necessary routine as had the rest of the team. She forgot that Rosa was new to all of this and would likely have questions. Rosa was so observant and empathetic too, so she picked up on the things they thought were being discreet about.

Rosa nodded, her expression just as serious as earlier. “Thank you for telling me,” she said. “I’d rather know than to worry. I know you and Deeks want to protect me, but I’d much rather know these things than to be kept sheltered.”

“I’ll remember that,” Kensi said. She held out her arms, and Rosa immediately sank against her chest.

When Deeks came home, they would need to talk about this. They would need to figure out a plan to share some of the hard parts of their lives. For now though, she’d comfort their daughter.

#ncis la fanfiction #marty deeks #Rosa #mentions of Deeks #angst #ejzah fanfiction

[termagax]

u know at the beginning i kind of thought kfp4 was gonna do something with shifus whole. deal. but they didnt like at all which is a shame

#the plot was extreeeemely thin and formulaic as it stands imo #kind of held together by the strength of the action sequences which i liked #but idk it just felt weird that po said an objectively correct thing (why isnt shifu the spiritual leader hes clearly better at it #) and i kind of expected that shifu would have something to do where he learns not to be so. idk #i guess faith in his own judgement rather than like. just kind of Accepting His Destiny or whatever. they make gags about how #hes clearly kind of upset about this whole thing #especially with tai lung having a speaking role its just like. well i wish shifu was here so you guys could talk this out #given how the idea of destiny kind of shapes their worldviews #i think what i wouldve done is a destiny is not so set in stone thing #bring shifu on the quest but when po has his vision he sees zhen betray him and decides to trust her anyways while shifu advises against it #because The Universe Said So and po is like what if..the universe is wrong. or what if we can change its mind :D she seems like a good kid #maybe she just needs some good influences :D and shifu is like -'_- thats fucking stupid po <- thinking abt his shitty son #and maybeeee they could even have tai lung be more involved in the latter half because his dad is here. and they can talk #idk i dont know if this is anything i just kind of wish the movie was giving More

[ocdhuacheng]

I have… lots of thoughts on milsiril and kabru and the commentary on mixed-race family/adoption, in particular white parents with children of color. I think it’s really cool kui incorporated this into the story because lots of (particularly white) people just think adoption is this pure altruistic thing and don’t think about the negative affects it has on kids (again, kids of color) to not have people of their own culture to grow up with.

#I’m white so I can’t pretend this is something I am able to fully understand #and I feel like it’s not my place to write an essay on it? I’m sure poc could do it a lot better than me #but someone who is close to me is a poc in a kind of kabru adjacent situation #and I don’t want to give details bc this is personal and (obviously) not just to me so I don’t really want to talk about it too much #my point is. kabru ans milsiril just hit me really hard #I really love that kui made their relationship a relatively good one for the most part but she doesn’t just pretend it’s perfect #because it’s like. even if your parents are the best they can possibly be.l #if they don’t understand your culture that’s still a huge loss isn’t it? #and milsirils parenting skills….. definitely need a lot of work even if she means well #and the description of her adoptions as a ‘hobby’ makes it seem rather flippant imo #(not sure if that was just a translation thing tho) #but my impression is that kabru does still think of her fondly and is grateful for her taking him in and teaching him things #at the same time he does voice his frustrations about the cultural disconnect between them and her being ‘overprotective’ #but yeah #like that kind of thing needs to be talked about I’m grateful that she not just doesn’t shy away from it but puts it in your face like that #.txt #dungeon meshi #oh also clarification #when I say kui talks about this stuff I do mean as an allegory #bc while I don’t think it is at all a coincidence that kabru is dark skinned and milsiril is white (coded?) #their skin color doesn’t really come into account here #it’s really the disconnect between elves and tall-men #but look me in the eye and tell me that’s not what she was going for

[paperhats-and-evil-schemes]

You know, I think what i fear most about all these soulless Disney remakes is that one day they'll take Hunchback of Notre Dame, one of the strongest and most daring Disney movies ever in its depiction of showing the dark sides of religion without demonizing faith as a whole, and that they'll take Judge Claude Frollo and either make him "sympathetic" or way less extreme than in the original, since Disney is nowhere near as ballsy to do something like directly criticize religious extremists anymore, I think, and that would just DESTROY the great impact that movie's messaging had.

That's not to say I have anything against sympathetic villains, but Frollo is one that was so strong BECAUSE of how awful he was and the position he held, and that fierce kind of villainy should NEVER be changed in his case imo. Very strong teaching moments in there for kids.

#Not that any kids these days are watching Notre Dame or anything 😂 But yeah. #Hunchback of Notre Dame was literally the movie that helped make it click for me that my parents were NOT very good people actually #Kids need these kinds of movies to help them learn when they're being manipulated for the worse #and it would be a shame if this strong example of that were given a crappy half-baked shlop of the original story #It wasn't Little Mermaid specifically that got me thinking abt this bc Ursula was actually still decently evil in it #But more stuff like Cruella and Pinocchio #Well anyways. I'm sure this has been pondered on in much better ways already. I'm just ready to fight someone if they dare change Hunchback #May be the only situation that being a financial flop might be good for it lol hopefully Disney will leave it alone rather than crap on it #In a shitty remake I mean #Frollo is a goddamn legendary untouchable villain and I just KNOW a remake would ruin him #Wow sorry for the random and completely irrelevant rant but I just feel VERY strongly about this lol #OP #Disney #the hunchback of notre dame

[katyspersonal]

#personal #internets #at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following #since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that- #-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people #could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media #like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities #or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because- #-of all the clicks on their article? #like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober #as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically #that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere #but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate #but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain #like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection? #but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end #they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth #I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because- #-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner #is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions? #my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with #and that won't do will it

[dandyshucks]

running around in circles bc i am exhausted but want to rb other ppls stuff and interact w ppl but also want to work on art but also want to make silly posts abt my guys but also want to hunker down and just play stardew for several hours

but in the end.... i have to crochet 😔

#i wanrma socialize..... i warnma hype other ppl up.... i warnma dance like a worm (that last one is a reference) #i need to figure out if i am making this hat too big fhfkdl bc I'll have to frog back if its too big #better to do that now rather than later... hrmmm #just kind of rotating my guys in my brain and thinking abt them w big hearts around my head #dandy.cmd