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homiro · 4 years

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shizaya angst hc & abt eros and thanatos

my most painful hc as a shizaya shipper looking at the canon was that izaya’s end was the worst of any antagonist ever. i think that they actually had a thing for each other but were both closeted and messed up so they went full ‘GET OUT OF MY CITY’ on each other to cope with it. and i also think that izaya sees shizuo as the ultimate personification of the core of humanity: violence. so he makes it his goal to make him as miserable as possible as a way to get back at humanity. like, izaya is a dickhead, he’s a complete dickhead. i don’t think he’s a psychopath or a sociopath but he’s definitely antisocial (the actual definition not what edgy people think antisocial means. what they mean is asocial not antisocial. antisocial is anything that antagonises society by going against it and doing shitty things to wreak havoc on purpose. that’s antisocial. your uwu ass not wanting to socialise with people is just asocial). we see that izaya has feelings and that he is able to feel love and empathy but he just doesn’t want anyone to like him and he wants to be a dickhead because to him the world is a pointless pile of shit that can be easily manipulated by a cunt like him. so back to shizuo and izaya’s demise. izaya goes in for that last battle wanting shizuo to kill him. he wanted to die. that was a suicide attempt. he didn’t want to live because if he died, then he won (as it’s said in the series) and he proved that shizuo (and thus humanity) is monstrous and ease his own lovesickness at least as he died. but then shizuo doesn’t kill him because of the people around him. and izaya is there, bleeding to death, with ribs and both arms broken and ultimately a completely shattered heart. he’s pulled out of there and is saved but he’s a different person like we see that something’s broken in him and man, i know he’s a villain and i know all the stress he caused to people but that had me sobbing like a bitch. my hc also includes shizuo being a hopeless himbo (izaya is a big iq bitch) and even after all those years he can’t accept that he’s not straight and that he still has a thing for izaya (some people are fucked up like that and yeah i ship shizaya fully aware that it’s problematic and toxic as fuck. bite me) but maybe he does when he sees him broken and battered on the floor. it’s just PAIN. this ship? PAIN.

also, just a sidenote to this mess (which im sorry abt im just procrastinating while sleep-deprived and in physical pain lol): i think they’re like the worst soulmates in the world but i think they’re soulmates. they’re said to dislike one another from the moment they meet and usually that’s said about soulmates when that trope is used. there’s also the eros and the thanatos theory which is often applied to literature and is the core of bdsm culture. in broad lines, eros and thanatos in this context stand for the sexual/life/creation drive of humans and the sadistic-masochistic/death/destructive drive we also carry within us. we often like stories where the couple are enemies who try to kill each other and then ultimately get together and have passionate sex before or after admitting that they love each other. some people write this not knowing why this is so appealing. it’s literally the two drives of humanity fully on display and we like to see it because it somehow sooths us. of course people are different and feel it on different levels. nothing is universal but yeah. also, most people are aware that love/hate aren’t opposites, but instead different sides of the same coin. the opposite of love would actually be indifference because hate is about as intense as love, if not more, that’s why people u hate, actually hate, live rent free in your mind. and also the reason why it’s so easy to go from love to hate and vice-versa. it’s literally the snap of a finger and it’s just a searing pain to suddenly hate someone you loved. i know because i’ve felt it. yeah this is a hot mess and im sorry abt it. bottom line: shizaya are the ultimate display of eros and thanatos and the appeal of this toxic ass problematic ship comes from that.

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dregstrash · 5 years

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Nina and Zoya for angst. Zoya is kind of shit to Nina and I’d just like a confrontation scene where Zoya hears about Hanne and tries to tell Nina that she’s being dumb again. Then Nina just gets fed up with everything Zoya ever said and Nina is like “hey bitch I ain’t worthless” and Zoya is like “lol I’m too tired to deal with you right now” and then Nina goes “aw hell nah” and they fight and then Zoya realizes what an ass she’s been.

All my best ideas come when I’m procrastinating. And I’ve been watching a lot of angsty movies lately, so I wanna answer this one. Thanks for sending this in anon!

Zoya remembered the first time she saw Nina’s Fjerdan– well she supposed the other one. The big hulk of a man that had the bearing of a large bear and reminded her to much of the Druskelle that have helped to imprison and torture countless of Grisha. Oh how she had wanted to lash out at Nina at the spot. To demand an answer for sleeping with the enemy, but Genya was there. And she was never in the mood for one of Genya’s lectures about taking it easy on her.

She held her tongue that first time, even offered an olive branch by letting her know it would be okay if he sought refuge in Ravka.

But look where that led her: a broken heart, an even more reckless spirit, and another Fjerdan in tow– and not just some Fjerdan because Nina had to be the best at everything, even when it came to poor choices of companions.

“Are you feeling well, Zenik?” Zoya snapped when Hanne was sent away to the rooms accommodated for her. Of course, Zoya didn’t hide the fact she had also assigned her guards to keep a close eye on her. Nina’s eyes had flashed and Hanne’s cheeks had flushed a deep red.

“What-”

“How is it that one dead Fjerdan wasn’t enough to get it through your thick skull that they cannot be trusted, but you had to drag another one behind these walls.” Zoya continued crossing her arms firmly. They were in the throne room. Alone. Nikolai was off dealing with the other news that Nina brought back with her, leaving Zoya in charge of getting the details of their new Fjerdan captive– or refugee, though that remained to be seen.

Nina’s eyes dashed to the ground in shame and hurt.

Good, Zoya thought. Because this was the only way she was going to learn. Nina was a talented Grisha, one of the best Corporalkis and tailors that Ravka had. She was too young to be thrown so deeply into this war, and if she wasn’t more careful she was going to get herself killed. That was a death that Zoya would not allow.

“Even worse.” Zoya continued her voice a cool steel against the silence, “You don’t come back with any type of Fjerdan, but the daughter of Jarl Brum. Tell me, Nina, what exactly is it about Jarl Brum’s special projects that have you so weak at the knees? Is it the fact they were raised by a madman or the fact that you have no self control and that you feel the need to save every lost Fjerdan?”

“She-she’s a Grisha.” Nina choked out. She met Zoya’s surprised gaze. Her green eyes lined with tears. “She’s a Corporalki and she just needed training like–”

“Nina!” Zoya snapped louder this time. “You’ve been gone for half a year, and you only now bring her back now! Why didn’t you come sooner? You don’t know the first thing about training Grisha. And even worse, you’re no longer a true Corporalki. Not since your battle with Parem. What gives you the right to wait this long to bring her here. Why didn’t–”

“Weren’t you just getting mad at me for bringing back a Fjerdan?” She snapped even louder. Her voice had stopped quavering and now it carried a fury that Zoya had never heard from her, “Now you’re upset that I hadn’t brought her back sooner? I ask that you make up your mind, General because it’s getting harder to understand what other wrong thing you’re going to throw at my feet.”

Zoya opened her mouth to retort, but Nina continued on louder than before, “I’m not the same girl who you let be captured by Fjerdans, Zoya. I have survived the worst streets of Ketterdam. I broke into the Ice Court while you were still trying to figure out how they had been producing their weapons. I helped con three countries, stole millions of kruge, battle with a drug that has taken half the lives of the entire population of Grisha, and had to watch the love of my life die in my arms. You have no right to speak to me as if I am a child playing with a toy gun. I am a spy of Ravka. The best one you’ve got, and I deserve some saintsdamned respect.”

“Respect?” Zoya scoffed despite the iron rod that was poking at her earlier anger. Nina did have a point, but it was also no excuse. She had no regard for safety, protocol, or order. She wasn’t ready, it was a miracle she hadn’t died a million times by now. “I don’t have the time or energy to explain to you how to earn respect, Zenik. For leaving your country to follow a Fjerdan boy and as soon as you are welcomed back home you go and abandon an active mission and then proceed to follow a Fjerdan girl is not high on my list of things to earn my respect. Now, leave me.” She flicked a wrist in dismissal, “I’m growing tired of this arguing. The king can deal with you how he wishes.”

Nina didn’t move. Her hands curled into fists and her face got red with fury.

“No.” Nina gritted. “This isn’t an argument, General. This is you not being able to take me seriously. And for what? Just because I don’t do what you want?”

Because I care. The words were on the tip of Zoya’s tongue, but she bit them down. Not like she had a chance to because at a small movement of Nina’s finger a sliver of a bone fragment came at her at a scary speed. It was a good thing Zoya had been practicing with Juris because it wasn’t long before the fragment turned to ash with her fire and the dust swirled around the air. That is before the ashes of the bone continued its path towards her and Zoya was forced to call a gale of wind to disperse the particles.

Nina’s face twisted in surprise as she saw Zoya’s new powers. But the fury in her eyes only increased. It would have been easy for Zoya to put an end to this. Her Corporalki abilities still needed work, but she knew enough to slow hearts, but part of her wanted this fight. Part of her wanted to show Nina how grossly underprepared she was. Or maybe part of her was finally ready to see how good Nina had gotten– to at least be proven wrong she could actually take care of herself.

Nina’s hands came up and with it came a whole army of bone shards that had been hidden in her clothing. Zoya’s hands twitched, trying to get ready for the attack.

“ENOUGH!” Nikolai’s voice boomed through the empty space, scaring both women out of their battle heat.

She didn’t turn to watch him stride towards them, but she felt his anger all the same. Nina, at least, had the sense to look sheepish.

“Miss Zenik,” Nikolai stopped when he reached Zoya’s shoulder. His voice was tight with authority. “I could have you charged with treason for attacking your general.” Nina looked down at the floor, but Zoya didn’t miss the way her hand clenched. “But as it were, the information you brought back from Fjerda is invaluable, and I am not risking the loss of your service.” Nina’s eyes widened in surprise at the veiled compliment, but Nikolai didn’t wait for her gratitude to settle. “You are dismissed until you are needed again. Your quarters in the Little Palace are all arranged and I suggest you keep to yourself at least for now.”

With a short bow to her king and a slammed door, Nina left. Allowing a heavy silence to descend upon Zoya and Nikolai.

“You need to apologize to her.” Nikolai said from beside her, and Zoya scoffed disgustingly.

“Are you ordering me?” She said, her anger at Nina still burning in her blood.

Her king stepped in front of Zoya, forcing her to look at the grave expression on his face. “This is your personal business, Zoya. But it doesn’t do well for morale when you willingly let soldiers attack you with the sole intent of ripping them apart.”

“I wasn’t going to rip her apart.” She defended.

“You still haven’t forgiven me for sending her to Fjerda,” He clasped his hands behind his back in some form of kingly posture, “But I wonder if you would have forgiven yourself if you had actually come close to doing that.”

Zoya’s silence betrayed her answer.

“That’s what I thought,” Nikolai continued. He turned around briefly to where Nina had disappeared. “Nina was right, Zoya. She isn’t the same child we had sent out all those months ago. She is a soldier that deserves your respect, just as much you deserve hers. And that won’t happen unless you apologize.”

The growing amount of guilt that started to rest on her stomach only increased with every word from Nikolai’s mouth. And her hands twitched for another fight.

Nikolai gave her one last meaningful look to make sure she properly heard him before starting to walk away.

“You have a great capacity to care for people, General. And while I am accustomed to the way you express it, others are not.”

Zoya watched Nikolai’s back disappear behind the same set of doors Nina exited and she sighed in resignation.

She had to swallow her pride just this once. Because if she didn’t Nina could just end up doing something else more stupid– like become as hardened as Zoya.

#zoya nazyalensky #nina zenik #hanne brum #nikolai lantsov #king of scars #kos

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far-cry-all-the-time · 5 years

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About me game

Answer 10 questions, tag 10 people.

I was tagged by @uncommonly-average @they-are-not-just-stories @joseph-thefather-seed @absurdwanderlust @deputyoneill and @fkingpeggies ! And I’m going to tag @onl-you @casifer-fan @deputyshitlordsantana @just-an-adventurer @naromoreau @highwvymen @starsandskies @outranks @pathcrier and @lexieheron if you feel up to it, but no pressure guys !! 💖

—

How tall are you ?

I’m about 170cm ? 171 maybe.

What color and style is your hair ?

I have dark brown hair (not my natural hair color) cut just before my shoulders, no bangs.

What color are your eyes ?

Dark brown.

Do you wear glasses/braces ?

I should wear glasses but since I can see okay without them I never do, oops. And I don’t wear braces.

What's your fashion sense ?

I just love to mix it up and try new things. Most of the time I just wear jeans and graphic tees but I also try to be a bit more original when I feel like it. And I have way too many jackets and coats... Wayyyyy too many, lol. Oh and I’m a huge Dr. Martens fan ! I haven’t worn any other shoes for like ? Five years, I think ?

Full name ?

You can call me Lily or Nate, I just don’t like using my full name on social media oops.

When were you born ?

28th December !

Where are you from and where do you live now ?

I’m from Switzerland. I was born and raised in a small village near Neuchâtel’s lake and I still live there today. But I’m probably going to move away in the next few years...

What school do you go to ?

Last year of High School. Almost done !!

What kind of student are you ?

Not the best but not the worst either. I’m mostly quiet but I don’t listen enough and I’m always procrastinating, oops. Thankfully I still manage to have pretty good grades.

Do you like school ?

I kinda do, yeah. It’s not the best but my High School is actually pretty good and most people are nice so that’s a good thing. I like learning by myself even more, but it depends on the subject.

Favorite subject ?

English, History & Art.

Favorite TV shows ?

Sense8, forever. This show is a masterpiece, go watch it right now !!! But if I have to mention a few others : Lovesick, American Horror Story, How I Met Your Mother, Rick & Morty, ...

Favorite movies ?

Psycho (1960), Castle In The Sky (1989), Fight Club (1999), Ruby Sparks (2013), Kill Your Darlings (2013), Lion (2016) and a looooot of other ones but those were the firsts that came to my mind.

Favorite books ?

We Are Liars by E. Lockhart, The Maze Runner Series by James Dashner and a few others but those have a special place in my heart.

Favorite past time ?

Writing, reading, watching tv shows or YouTube videos, editing, partying.

Do you have regrets ?

Big time.

Dream job ?

Director and/or writer.

Would you ever like to get married ?

Not really. If it’s important for my s/o, I could be on board but it’s not really a dream of mine.

Would you like kids ?

No.

Do you like shopping ?

Yeah, kinda. It just depends on my mood.

What countries have you visited ?

I had the chance to visit a lot of countries with my family, so here’s some of my favorite : India, Scotland, England, Japan, America, Netherlands... And a lot of other awesome places !!

Scariest nightmare you have ever had ?

Not sure it’s the scariest but, as a kid, I used to have this recurring nightmare where I would get home and, when I opened the door, bugs would fall out of the house. Basically the whole house was filled with bugs and, when I tried to go to my neighbors’, it was the same thing. And basically I was all alone and bugs were everywhere. I’m not even afraid of bugs but I used to have this nightmare almost every night.

Any enemies ?

Not that I know of ?

Any significant other ?

Nope. Single and ready to mingle. 👀

I’m married to Staci Pratt but that’s a secret.

Do you believe in miracles ?

Meh, not really. I want to believe it but at the same time I simply can’t.

How are you ?

Could be better, but I’m doing alright. I’m kinda emotional today ? Just want to tell everyone who’s still reading that ily. 💖

#get to know me #tag #lily answers #lily rants #ask

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the50-person · 7 years

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🎃 Tag 10 people you want to get to know better. 🎃

tagged by @hannibalcatharsis-zero thank you!

it’s kinda long but it’s cool!

👻 Questions

Are you a Tricker or a Treater: Treat, but might trick if I have a partner in crime and we have a good idea plus if the victim is someone who doesn’t mind too much.

What’s your inner demon: Eh I don’t know.

What monster would you be: Not a monster in the Western sense but a yao guai, a fox spirit. Or a cat spirit. :D

How would you be in a horror movie:

The one thinking of all the possible ways to escape/form plans and also will be ruthlessly finishing the enemies off. Will probably be with a partner or act as second command in a team.

(based off real life I will really probably second in command)

Are you easily scared:

If it’s a phobia.

Anything not two or four-legged (minus snakes).

Water.

Heights.

If it’s humans I’ll try to make friends and form alliances. If you’re an enemy, I’ll put you on my alert list, if push comes to shove I’ll take action first and finish you off. :’)

What are you afraid of:

The above.

Nurture or Torture:

What is this even asking for LOL. Nurture? Torture bears the risk of giving my victim a reason for revenge and that’s one more thing to take care of in an already hectic life. Nah, save myself the trouble.

What scared you when you were young:

See phobias. I’m not afraid of blood and I love biology and bodies so definitely not those. (I touched a human brain at an exhibition! :D)

Any near death experience:

When I was drowning in a pool.

Walk in mysterious liquid or mysterious Forest:

Mysterious forest LOL. Why not liquid, well, see phobia section.

What is the worst thing possible:

Anything is possible, I can’t really determine what is the worst. But no matter what, I’ll fight through it.

You go with your heart or brain:

Brain. And that particular gut instinct. Those two are the most reliable. Not feelings. #INTJ

You like your room dim or bright:

Both are nice. My eyes are very sensitive to light, so not too dim that I have to use effort to see stuff, nor too bright that I get dazzled.

Who would kill you, your mum or dad:

Neither, if they tried, our relationship is over and I’ll face them as an opponent, not as their child.

Nah, they won’t kill me. We’ll probably be negotiating instead of fighting.

Evilest thing you ever done:

To be honest, if I do something, it’ll be within my moral compass and I won’t classify it internally as evil. So I don’t know, you have to ask the people around me.

What did you dress up as last year:

I don’t celebrate nor believe in Halloween.

Anything bad happened to you lately:

Plenty, if you’ve been tracking my personal posts you can see that I’ve been to the A&E a few times and gotten real sick many times ever since May.

What is your favorite candy or snack:

Pringles. Original. My ultimate love.

What Villain would you date:

TOO MANY TO DECIDE. Can I have them all?

What is your biggest flaw:

Too many. Probably procrastination?

Favorite scary movie/game:

Never was able to get invested. I laughed throughout The Conjuring, it was so hilariously old school.

The thing that creeped me out was The Truman Show, but it isn’t a horror film.

What do you find sick:

Anything not two or four-legged.

Are you a demon or an angel:

I would love to say ‘face of an angel, body figure of a demon’ (if you’re a Chinese you should understand the joke, means beautiful like an angel, hot hody like a devil), but alas! I haven’t got a face of an angel.

Eh, I walk a fine line between both.

Random thing about you:

My fave skater is Hanyu Yuzuru and he is skating a programme called SEIMEI this season, and it’s about an onmyouji (search wiki for it) , which sort of ties in with the theme of this ask.

He skated it before in 2015/2016:

youtube

Describe your one or some favorite bloggers as a monster:

@drunkensword won’t be a monster, he’ll be a monster hunter LOL

Tagging: (not compulsory, don’t feel pressured)

@mintful @cokris @hana-angel @biiloved @drunkensword @lotusyuchen @wakaechan @wuxia-hero @wuxiarocks @erisferris

#replies #the50person personal

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