#like a himbo in a slow burn fic realising they love the other person

[homiro]

shizaya angst hc & abt eros and thanatos

my most painful hc as a shizaya shipper looking at the canon was that izaya’s end was the worst of any antagonist ever. i think that they actually had a thing for each other but were both closeted and messed up so they went full ‘GET OUT OF MY CITY’ on each other to cope with it. and i also think that izaya sees shizuo as the ultimate personification of the core of humanity: violence. so he makes it his goal to make him as miserable as possible as a way to get back at humanity. like, izaya is a dickhead, he’s a complete dickhead. i don’t think he’s a psychopath or a sociopath but he’s definitely antisocial (the actual definition not what edgy people think antisocial means. what they mean is asocial not antisocial. antisocial is anything that antagonises society by going against it and doing shitty things to wreak havoc on purpose. that’s antisocial. your uwu ass not wanting to socialise with people is just asocial). we see that izaya has feelings and that he is able to feel love and empathy but he just doesn’t want anyone to like him and he wants to be a dickhead because to him the world is a pointless pile of shit that can be easily manipulated by a cunt like him. so back to shizuo and izaya’s demise. izaya goes in for that last battle wanting shizuo to kill him. he wanted to die. that was a suicide attempt. he didn’t want to live because if he died, then he won (as it’s said in the series) and he proved that shizuo (and thus humanity) is monstrous and ease his own lovesickness at least as he died. but then shizuo doesn’t kill him because of the people around him. and izaya is there, bleeding to death, with ribs and both arms broken and ultimately a completely shattered heart. he’s pulled out of there and is saved but he’s a different person like we see that something’s broken in him and man, i know he’s a villain and i know all the stress he caused to people but that had me sobbing like a bitch. my hc also includes shizuo being a hopeless himbo (izaya is a big iq bitch) and even after all those years he can’t accept that he’s not straight and that he still has a thing for izaya (some people are fucked up like that and yeah i ship shizaya fully aware that it’s problematic and toxic as fuck. bite me) but maybe he does when he sees him broken and battered on the floor. it’s just PAIN. this ship? PAIN.

also, just a sidenote to this mess (which im sorry abt im just procrastinating while sleep-deprived and in physical pain lol): i think they’re like the worst soulmates in the world but i think they’re soulmates. they’re said to dislike one another from the moment they meet and usually that’s said about soulmates when that trope is used. there’s also the eros and the thanatos theory which is often applied to literature and is the core of bdsm culture. in broad lines, eros and thanatos in this context stand for the sexual/life/creation drive of humans and the sadistic-masochistic/death/destructive drive we also carry within us. we often like stories where the couple are enemies who try to kill each other and then ultimately get together and have passionate sex before or after admitting that they love each other. some people write this not knowing why this is so appealing. it’s literally the two drives of humanity fully on display and we like to see it because it somehow sooths us. of course people are different and feel it on different levels. nothing is universal but yeah. also, most people are aware that love/hate aren’t opposites, but instead different sides of the same coin. the opposite of love would actually be indifference because hate is about as intense as love, if not more, that’s why people u hate, actually hate, live rent free in your mind. and also the reason why it’s so easy to go from love to hate and vice-versa. it’s literally the snap of a finger and it’s just a searing pain to suddenly hate someone you loved. i know because i’ve felt it. yeah this is a hot mess and im sorry abt it. bottom line: shizaya are the ultimate display of eros and thanatos and the appeal of this toxic ass problematic ship comes from that. 

#durarara!! #shizaya #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #yeah this is a mess #sorry #i tagged it anyway because some ppl might like to read about eros and thanatos #even if they don't agree with what i said #my adhd ass is a mess oof #anyway #i've shipped shizaya since 2012 before i even knew what eros and thanatos was #before i got my degree in literature and all that shite #and when i finally studied it i was just like #.... oh #like a himbo in a slow burn fic realising they love the other person #no words my fam #homiro said some shit #text #long post #suicide ment