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ceruleansx · 11 months

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forgive me | peeta mellark

— "so why did you shut me down?"

↳ peeta mellark x reader x friends x enemies x lovers

↳ warnings : fight in the beggining, mention of abusive relationship, emotions, comfort, swearing, fluff at end

↳ summary : peeta needed you the most after you shut down everyone after your abusive relationship. you shortly became enemies after you hurt him. but, your feelings for him never went away, and neither did his.

↳ a/n : this kinda got me emotional ngl

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"babe? sorry that i'm late i just went to the market with-"

your words were cut off with a punch to the face.

your body flung to the doorway of the kitchen, back slamming into the wall. you screeched in pain. you pushed up, leaning against the wall. you covered your elbow where you impacted it most.

"were you with fucking peeta again?!" your boyfriend yelled. "cause every-single-god-damn-time yn!!"

"your always with that boy!!" he threw his hands up, "YOU LOVE ME! NOT THAT LITTLE SHIT."

you have had it with your boyfriend jake. he was an abusive piece of shit. any person who ever calls peeta something bad just makes your blood boil. and you dont know why.

you weakly got up, "DONT YOU EVER CALL PEETA THAT YOU ASSHOLE." you shoved his chest.

"AND I DONT LOVE YOU."

jake's face got even angrier, and he started to clench is fist.

"AND GOD." you let out a loud sigh. "IM SO SICK!! SO SICK OF YOU TREATING ME LIKE THIS- LIKE- LIKE SHIT!!"

"OH I TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT?! IM JUST PROTECTING YOU!"

"FROM WHO?! SWEET INNOCENT PEETA?!"

"I SWEAR Y/N IF YOU MENTION HIS FUCKING NAME IM GONNA-" his words were cut off by you kicking his chest, knocking the wind out if him.

"now get out of my fucking house." you spat.

he got up, and opened the door slowly. before he left, he turned to you, still breathing heavily. "were done."

you didnt even care. after all this shit, you deserved to break up with him. you pushed him out and slammed the door. after you turned, and sat against the door.

you just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like forever. the tears were happy and sad at the same time. all that pain you went through. but now that pain is gone.

you took the whole night removing him out of your memory, and trying to cope for a better life.

-----------------

he walked by your house everyday.

every.

day.

sometimes you were at your window, sometimes you weren't. you would just stare out into the woods, wether it was covered in snow or displayed in the sunlight.

he would knock on your door everyday. just the sight of you would make it happy. did he do something to hurt your feelings?

at so many tries, he eventually felt hurt and alone. you were the only person who he enjoyed spending time with, and now you were silent. you were the only person who he cared about.

he hated you. he hated you so much for leaving him when he most needed it. he eventually stopped walking by your house. in fact, he avoided it, and tried to take other paths to the market.

he didn't really know if it was because of him, but it was too late.

he hated you. but that didnt mean that he still didnt love you.

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you knew he was there. the tension was pretty clear. you could see him in the corner of your eye as you looked at the woods.

why did you shut everyone off? especially your best friend, peeta.

you knew why. you were scared that you were going to become like jake, for some reason, and you wanted to isolate yourself so you dont hurt anyone.

you knew that if you told peeta, he would understand. but you were just to scared to see him face to face.

why? you didnt know.

you knew that peeta wasnt jake, but you wanted to distance yourself. maybe jake went into town and told everyone rumors about you. maybe peeta visited everyday to tell you how sick you were.

you still cared for peeta, so very much. but you dont want to harm his pure heart.

-------------

peeta was standing at your door.

he almost knocked. "peeta what the hell are you doing?" he whispered to himself.

he turned his back to your door.

"you hate her. you hate her. why are you here?" he repeated.

he knew why he was here. he loved you. and he also wanted to tell you how he needs you so very much to cope with life, and how you hurted him without even trying.

he turned back and knocked, almost like he himself didnt do it. he just waited there for a solid minute. he turned away, but the door was opened behind him.

he turned back. the tension was tense. you held eye contact together, both of you about to cry. the instant relief that was displayed on your face was so obvious.

the concered face that you saw on peeta everyday out your window was gone. instead, his gaze was soft, and he was smiling.

your smell and presence itself made him so happy. so very happy that you didn't give up on yourself. he really thought he would lose you.

you ran up to him and gave him the tightest hug ever. you wrapped your arms around his neck as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

he layed his head on your shoulder. "i thought i lost you.." he whispered.

you broke a tear.

"oh peeta i would never lose you." you pulled away to face him, "never."

his smile slowly disapeered as he looked at you.

"so why did you shut me down?" his voice quivered, "y/n you- you left me when i most needed you."

your eyes were bloodshot. "i know, and im so sorry."

"but why?" he asked.

you sighed. you looked out to the houses, then back to him. "i was scared that i would be like jake."

"like jake? but i thought you loved him?"

you shook your head. "i never told anyone but he was abusive."

his eyes softened, and his face turned into guilt. his eyes started to water. "oh y/n-" he said between cries.

"why didnt you t-tell me? i wouldve protected you."

with no response, you just hugged him again, this time even tighter. "im so sorry.." you quivered.

"i love you y/n. dont ever leave me like that again." he said.

"i promise peeta. and i love you two."

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artdivadej · 11 months

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Survivor’s Remorse

Part 10 | Part 11+

18+ | PTSD |

Part one

When Peeta did locate Haymitch it was rather quickly, thank God because he didn't want to leave you alone at all on this damned bullet train. To know that it held so many hijacked memories for you, made him antsy and irritable that you even were on it. It was supposed to be a reward for having to have always been on it against your will and now have full control of it, but they all hated the thing. Not a smart gift to give to Victors.

Haymitch picked up the glass bottle and waved him away, having found his pacifier for the next few hours before he passed out. Peeta turned on heel, headed down the hall and strode back into the room. You'd been running your hands over the sheets, fingers trembling before the sound of the door closing made you whip around to face him with wide eyes. Your pupils were pinpricks and you were panting loudly.

Oh no. No. No. No.

Before Peeta could open his mouth to calm you, a lamp came hurtling towards him by your hand. He managed to dodge it out of pure reflex, hearing it crash into a million pieces behind him. You scream with rage and terror, your fingers hooking, as you bared your teeth and nails at him.

"How did you get in here? Where's Peeta?" you hiss at him, circling away towards another

"It's me love. It's Peeta" he answers gently, sliding forward

"No", you snarl sliding your feet onto the bed as you continue to circle him, refusing to turn your back on him "Don't you dare touch me!"

Peeta raises his arms so that you can see his hands, palms flat and facing towards you.

"Sweetness, look at me"

His timbre has fallen to that hypnotic, sweet honey drop baritone that always rattled your senses enough to get you to listen. You stop moving, eyes darting all over his face as your pupils widen a little. Peeta tilts his head up to be able to look squarely into your eyes as he continues to step closer, moving with deliberate slowness, which makes you relax your tense muscles.

"Look into my eyes. It's me"

Your head tilts with confusion, eyes blinking rapidly as you tried to sort through the real and unreal visions swimming in front of you. When Peeta's knee slides onto the bed, your hands cup his cheeks, fingers trembling, eyes locked onto his.

"Sweet Peeta" you whisper sliding to straddle his thigh

"It's me baby" he nods, smiling against your lips

When your eyes begin to fill with tears, bottom lip trembling, Peeta feels that alarm he always did after you had an episode, but had to mash it down and remain calm.

"Hey, hey, shhhh. Don't you do that sweet girl" he hums pecking your lips as his thumbs stroke at your cheeks, his eyes warming you from the outside in with their security.

"I wanted to hurt you Peeta. So bad. I thought you were him", you whimper against his lips

"Talk to me"

Peeta slides so that he's sitting with you in his lap, straddling his wide hips, tiny hands resting on his cheeks, refusing to break contact.

"It's selfish" you whisper after a few minutes

"So am I" Peeta chuckles "This is the first time I've allowed anyone outside of 12 to see you"

This makes you laugh and it takes a weight off of his chest.

"You" you stop and clear your throat "You always come running to me. No matter what. When I call for you, when I need you. If it's within your power, nothing stops you from running to me. It's one of my favorite things about you. It makes me happy. The happiest girl in the world. To be so safe. Loved. Protected"

Peeta knew that you took comfort in the fact that he was there whenever you needed him but had never thought about it to this extent before. You weren't very open about yourself, finding it hard to emote and communicate your feelings, some things those few close to you just understood. You kept a lot guarded. Vulnerability didn't come easy to you. So to know that his need to reach you as quickly as his feet could carry him, brought you such happiness and security, warmed him from his toes to the tips of his ears.

"Mean Peeta never came when I called. He was slow, callous and always so angry with me for needing him"

Peeta's arms tighten around your back and feels the shudder that rips down your spine.

"But I've always needed you Peeta. So much. And it's only gotten worse. I can't breathe without you. They took my breath away when they took you from me" you gasp burying your nose in his neck

His hands rub soothingly up and down your back as he lets you continue. It was best to let you get these dark memories out whenever you could, it was not often, no matter how mad they drove him. If Mean Peeta was a real person...Peeta would obliterate him. Marvel got off light compared to what he wanted to do to Mean Peeta.

"All I wanted was for you to hold me. To feel safe again. To feel this"

Your arms tighten around his ribs, as if you were afraid that he would evaporate into thin air and the torture would be real all over again.

"Taking you away from me was like stealing my life. I meant it when I said that you are everything to me Peeta" you sigh against his collar bone "I love you. So, so much. All I ever needed. For them to take you from me", you whimper as your voice cracks

"No one is taking me from you ever again. Do you hear me?" Peeta asserted squeezing you tight

"I don't want to sleep here" you admit softly

"Well shit. In here five minutes and you've already broken the furniture" Haymitch burps from the door watching Peeta scoop you up into his arms, stepping over to him

"Can we swap rooms? This one is...she can't..." Peeta trails off

"Yeah. I actually don't want to stay in mine either"

"I'll be back to clean up in a minute"

"Don't bother. I've got it. Get settled in. I'll see you two tomorrow" Haymitch shrugs waving Peeta off as he places the bag you'd been carrying into his free hand

Peeta loved the fact that you were quite literally glued to his side throughout the entirety of your trip on the train. There weren't half as many staff as there used to be during the Hunger Days, so it afforded much more privacy, which allowed you to be as openly affectionate as you wanted.

Whenever he sat, you were on, or in his lap, even during meals. He enjoyed it very much that you did this while you ate. The deep arch in your back, ass planted firmly against his pelvis, calves locked around his, against the chair as you leaned forward to eat from your plate with your fingers.

To have you situated this way on his lap while you ate at the same time, was enough to make him want to make love to you all over this table. Something that happened quite a few times since the first night. His dick pushing against the front of his thin pajama pants, up against the seat of your shorts only spurred you into more wanton movements.

It'd become a game between you. A test of the wills. A very welcome distraction. He always waited until he was sure you were full before he claimed his prize.

When you'd polished off a few cheese buns or a sweet dessert, licking your fingers, then and only then was when he'd capture your lips in his. His hands on your waist, flipping you around so that you were now facing him, Peeta tasting every tangy sauce from your lips and sweet treat on your tongue with your thighs on the outer of his. Watching you eat always erupted a dark carnal desire within him. Feeding you, watching you indulge shamelessly, until your belly was pulled taut from fullness, made everything in Peeta aflame with pleasure.

"You're so beautiful love" Peeta moans against your soft lips

The pretty blush that started at your neck went up to your ears. Always so embarrassed by how easily words of endearment fell from his lips, showering you with genuine praise and affection.

"You're quite handsome yourself" you grin, lips placing chaste kisses across his jaw

"I want you. Right now" he moaned loudly

"I'm all yours Peeta" you smile coyly up at him as your hands push his pajamas down his legs "Always"

"Damn right you are" he groans as your hand grips him firmly, trailing his tip up and down your slit

Peeta cursed under his breath when you slip his tip into your eagerly dripping core, his body trembling with the effort to keep still, allowing you full control.

"Yes" you moan against his throat, hips rolling slowly down taking gum in inch by inch

"Baby please" Peeta pleads in a low moan

"What?" you purr against his neck, a hickey forming under your insistent lips

"I want all of you love. Please?" He pleads again, his hips shifting with his begging

You don't answer him with words, your hips slamming down against his, swallowing him down to the hilt. Peeta curses loudly, head thrown back in pleasure, so elated to feel you fully wrap around him like a slick glove. He could spend all day between your thighs if you let him. He quickly pushes the empty tray at your back to the floor before he pushes you to lie flat onto the table. Peeta revels in the way your hips roll, pulling him so deep he can feel himself hitting that wall deep within that drove you insane. Watching every rise and fall of your full breasts beneath his t-shirt, the sun kissed olive skin of your stomach peeking from beneath where it had ridden up, with pleasure.

"Peeta" you sigh blissfully when he thrusts up into you slowly, in time with your languid rolls "More. Make me yours"

"Gladly" he grits through his teeth, his body aflame at your breathy plea

The fingers of his left-hand thread through your right and his hips begin to slam harder, driving into you with fervor. Your moans tumble out of your mouth unrestrained, fingers squeezing his as he brought you closer to your first orgasm, your tightening walls alerting him to your release. It makes his hips move faster, needing to see you cum as you screamed his name. When he leaned forward to capture your cries in his mouth, the sound of glass breaking makes you both freeze.

"Jeezuz! You two are like fuckin rabbits! Can a man get a bagel in peace! Fuck!" Haymitch's cry of despair pierces the air

Peeta looks over his shoulder, as you quickly sit up, to spot Haymitch with his hand over his eyes by the door, feeling blindly in front of him until he reached the table. Peeta gives you a sympathetic smile as he slowly withdraws himself from your walls, albeit begrudgingly, but he would finish what he started in your room. You're biting your lip, cheeks flushed prettily, eyes glowing silver, practically screaming that you didn't want him to stop. He makes sure you're both presentable before stepping back. He kisses your plump lips gently before helping you down from the table and onto your feet. Your hands enclose on his forearm instantly, bringing a smile to his lips. Peeta sits back into his seat and pulls you with him, waiting until you were comfortably situated sideways on his lap.

"You can open your eyes old man" You snicker lowly

"You sure? Last thing I wanna see is your ass sweetheart"

"I'm sure you jerk" You laugh tossing a bagel at his head, which makes him lower his hand as he shoots you a smirk.

"Good. We need to talk" he nods picking up the sesame bagel and slathering it in strawberry jam, not bothering to pull any of the stray seeds from his hair

"About?" Peeta cuts in

"We'll be at the Capitol in about 16 hours. When we get to the Justice Hall-"

"The what?" you ask quickly

"The President's mansion. They've renamed and redesigned a lot of it. It's now the Justice Hall. Where dignitaries meet and stay during these new diplomatic times"

"Oh...that's nice. Does Paylor stay there?"

"No. She prefers the simpler things. She has a home in the city. Now listen up, we'll get to the Justice Hall and drop off the rest of your stuff. A few of the other Victors are already, there since their trips were much shorter, being closer and all. Afterwards Peeta has meetings all day. We won't be back until around 2 am, there's a Victors welcoming celebration afterwards.

Peeta feels you stiffen in his arms and he kisses your temple gently, nuzzling his lips in your hair, grateful this eases the tension in some of your muscles. At least you'd get to be together in the morning and you'd, more than likely, not be able to sleep until he got in anyway.

"Don't stress it. I doubt everyone will be at all the meetings and events. You're not the only one who doesn't want to be in the limelight any more than necessary"

"I can't wait to see them" you beam before turning your glowing smile to Peeta "It's been hard just talking to Jo on the phone"

"Believe me, she's ready to show her ass. She's just as excited to see you" Haymitch snorts

This makes you brighten visibly and it brings Peeta some much needed comfort to know that Johanna would be by your side most of the times he couldn't be. There was no one he trusted more with your sanity and he knew you felt the same. Others were still terrified of Johanna but you never had been, seeing her as the mean but loving older sister you've always wanted.

"Will...will I be able to see Cinna?" you ask in a small voice avoiding Peeta's gaze

He wasn't sure why. He knew that you didn't have feelings like that towards Cinna, but maybe you thought he did? He was the only other man you allowed to see and touch your naked body without a fight after all. Peeta was possessive but there was no reason to feel any jealousy towards Cinna. Cinna acted more like an eldest sibling to the youngest when it came to you. There was never anything illicit about it. It was the same way Peeta felt for Portia. Some bonds formed during the Hunger Days didn't require explanation. You were all just trying to survive and find people you could trust during those days, which wasn't easy.

"He's a hot commodity because of the work he's done with you. He doesn't know you're coming. I'll reach out. Once he finds out you're there, I doubt he won't make his way over, despite how busy he may be. He's been trying to get out to 12 to check on you for over 2 years. Paylor wanted you fully cleared by Aurelius before anyone from the Games was allowed to see you again"

"I hadn't known. I thought...since the games have been over, he just..."

"You had every bone in your hands broken so he could use his to keep living his dream. He wouldn't be able to just toss you away even if he tried. He misses you too. You'll see it in his work when you get there, trust me" Haymitch explains with a soft smile

"And Portia?" Peeta asks unable to contain his own excitement

"Who do you is in charge of your wardrobe for these events?" Haymitch snorts "She absolutely refused to let anyone else work with you"

"Good"

"Well kids, you'd better get your bunny activities out now. Because you won't have much time for it once we get there. Capitol residents, even without the extra opulent flair added anymore, are still an exhausting bunch"

"We're aware" You mutter darkly before slipping to your feet and pulling Peeta with you heading towards your room. "We'll see you tomorrow morning when we get there"

"It's 11 am!"

"I'm storing up" You smirk wickedly at him as the door closes behind the two of you

When Haymitch comes to get you two the next morning around 7 his face in twisted in a pissy grimace that has us watching him warily. We'd both gotten up early, the anxiety of being back in the Capitol forcing sleep to allude us for more than a few hours. He'd found us in the nose of the car, curled up on the couch together, watching the scenery as the train flew towards the Capitol. I sit up immediately, feeling my heart constrict, every hair on your body standing up in warning.

"What happened?"

"We'll have to meet you at the Justice Hall tomorrow. Our escorts didn't get the memo and they're waiting at the station for us to take us to Peeta's first meeting"

"W-what?" I stutter trying hard to stop the thundering of my heart as fear starts to seize my throat

"I'm sorry" Haymitch sighs cupping my cheeks, his arctic blue eyes reflecting his intense distaste with this unforeseen situation "I really don't want to take him from you so soon. You'll be alright. You're strong. Never forget that. You'll have all of us at your fingertips. When we get there, they'll have communication devices for us to use. We'll be able to call one another on video whenever we need to"

"And I'll come running when you call" Peeta affirms when my eyes dart to him

"I'll be ok. Jo will be at the Hall when I get there right?"

"Right" Haymitch nods

"I can make it through a trip through the city" I assert with a sure nod of the head, not wanting the men in my life feel any guiltier than they already did. This wasn't their fault.

"Are you sure? We can just beat them off with a stick until we get there" Haymitch smirks

"I'm fine old man" I chuckle, though the trembling of my fingers give me away to Peeta's sharp eyes

Peeta sighs and spins me around so that I'm in his arms, face buried in his broad chest.

"I swear, I'll come running. Do you hear me?"

I don't answer, only nod against his chest, arms enclosing around his waist to try my best to commit this secure feeling to memory. Just as he nuzzles his nose in my hair, we hear the sound. The same ones that scared him shitless at 16. Screams. Deafening cheers begin to surround the train as it slows. My arms around him tighten, nails digging into his back over his shirt as the memories of our first games slam into me too.

"What the hell is this!" Peeta hisses

"Some bullshit. I said no God damn fanfare!" Haymitch snarls

I release Peeta and turn to Haymitch, giving him a tight squeeze that he instantly returns, his anger dissipated at the sudden moment of vulnerability.

"I'm ok. I'll be ok. You two go. I'll see you later. Right?"

Haymitch's eyes survey my face quickly, knowing this was a lie, before looking into Peeta's for a sense of direction. This was not the agreement and he was clearly seething and ready to cut down whoever had made this horrible blunder. It wasn't even supposed to be known that Peeta would be coming, but we could hear his voice being chanted and it clearly pissed him off. Peeta could see that Haymitch had all intentions on skewering the person who'd leaked this information.

"Yeah. Don't forget to get your communicator. If anything upsets you, we can leave. They're already on my shit list for this bullshit"

"Good. Then go. I don't want them to know I'm here too. I'll see you both in the morning"

When Peeta and Haymitch leave I slide to the floor and take deep gulps of air. It's like I'm trapped in the arena again. Hearing the cheers of the sociopathic residents of the Capitol, celebrating children murdering one another scraping for a mere sliver of a chance of survival. To be treated like a show pony afterward. A steed to mate with whoever had the funds to do so. The bombs were starting to go off again. I could feel myself falling.

Deeper.

Darker.

Mutts everywhere.

"Aht! I knew your hijacked ass would be cowering in here! Get your ass up! I've gotta suffer through these idiots, so do you. And you aint doing it hijacked bitch!" Johanna snarks yanking me to my feet so I'm staring up into her bright emerald eyes, teeming with excitement and mischief.

"Jojo" I breath trying to make sense of my surroundings

"There she is! Let's go bitch. I scared off the lingerers that didn't follow Peeta and your old man outta here. And put this on. I don't want to have to fight to get to the Hall without my axe" she grins pulling a red baseball cap over my head before I yank her to me and bury my face in her chest

"Hey now, I know they're better than Peeta's but don't get lost in there" she snickers

"Shut up" I laugh feeling the haze lifting as she pulls me forward, my bag slung over her shoulder

I give her a once over and see she's positively marvelous. Her skin is toasted from being in the sun, her hair is cut in layers that whip around her, stopping just below her shoulders, the tips a fire red. Her slim body is toned and tight so her curves stand out against her slender frame in her black V-neck t-shirt, tight red jeans with calf-high black steel toed boots on her feet.

When we step off the train, the platform is practically deserted. Everyone that catches a glimpse of Johanna makes sure to move as far out of her line of sight as possible. I keep my head down, my hair down around my face in loose curls, as we make our way over to a hovercar. Once we're inside she pulls the hat off, the tints on the windows shielding us from prying eyes. Johanna is explaining every street and building of importance to me that we pass. Pointing out a few sex shops she wants to visit. More than likely to keep my brain busy so I didn't dwell on the last time I was here.

After about 10 minutes she shoves my head between my knees.

"Keep it down until I say so" she hisses

"Why?"

"You don't want to see where we are now. We're almost there I swear"

"It's....it's the training center, isn't it?" I whisper, happy she hasn't taken her hand from the back of my head

"Shut up" she snaps

So it is. This can't be easy for her either. I wonder how she's keeping calm. Then again. She's been in the Capitol quite a few times over the years, so she probably has coping mechanisms to help ease the painful memories. I listen and wait until the tight grip she has in my hair begins to relax. She hadn't let go until we got past the Halls gates. I realize it's because the last time I'd seen them, I'd been horribly burned ripping Primrose away from them, knowing those bombs on sight, shoving her into a Humvee mere seconds before the explosion blew me into the side of it with enough force to knock me unconscious.

"Thanks Jo" I exhale deeply

"I want some of that damn rabbit stew as compensation" she sighs, her own breath short pants

"You're bad ass" I smirk knocking my forehead to her temple

"Damn right. Look, Annie's here!" she grins pointing at the stairs in front of the large doors where Annie's waiting patiently for Johanna to come back

She looks positively radiant too. Her long hair is now waist length and pulled up into a ponytail, a bang swooped over her left eye that curls beneath her chin. She's in a floor length bright chartreuse sleeveless, flowing summer dress, that makes her lime-colored eyes that much brighter in her face. She's definitely been spending time in the sun, probably on their boat with Finnick, because she's tanned a pretty bronze just like her husband. She smiles as we step out of the car and I hurtle myself up the stairs towards her, throwing my arms around her neck.

"Hey lil red!"

"Hey you" she giggles sounding of wind chimes as she hugs me close

"You look so pretty! I see Finnick is treating you very well" I smirk at her when she pulls back and holds me at arm's length to examine me too.

"It would seem that Peeta has done the same for you. You look breathtaking"

"Stop" I blush

"If we're gonna gay it out, we should do it inside" Johanna laughs pushing us inside

Yeah, this should be easy with the girls here with me. I could do this.

Right?

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