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sxcret-garden · 8 months

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Theo ღ Be Mine [M]

ღ P1Harmony Theo x fem!reader ღ feat.: Keeho ღ words: ~5.8k ღ genre: smut (dom!Theo, some nipple play, marking, fingering, unprotected sex, drunk sex, jealous Theo is a little possessive), college AU, enemies to lovers vibes ღ warnings: alcohol consumption, (reader is smaller than him)

Desc.: You’ve had secret feelings for Choi Taeyang for a while now, and you’re anything but happy about them. So now that your childhood friend Keeho has invited the both of you to his party, you’re forced to decide if you want to keep avoiding him, or if you want to finally take your chance and make him yours.

It was the exact moment that your eyes met his the second you entered through the door of your friend Keeho’s house, that you decided to get absolutely shitfaced tonight - with he not referring to the guy you’ve known since childhood, but one of his friends whose personality you just can’t put your finger on. All you know is he makes you nervous, but not in the bad way. More in a way where your heart starts beating harder and you feel your temperature rising if you stand too close to him. You very much have a horrible crush on this guy, but instead of conveying that to him, you shoot him a glare and then walk the other way.

“What’s with the mood?” Keeho immediately catches up to you and starts up a conversation. “I thought we’re here to celebrate today?”

“Just give me alcohol,” you huff, and you two approach something like an improvised bar set up in the living room of his house. His family is gone for the weekend, so that’s why he decided he needed to use the opportunity to throw a big party to celebrate. What you’re celebrating? Nobody really knows, but there’s alcohol and that’s reason enough for the average college student to show up. Thus, his house is already pretty crowded - another thing you’re not a big fan of. However, with some liquor in your system you should be fine, and then, if you manage to avoid him, you might even be able to have some fun tonight.

Keeho pours you a cup of the fruit punch that he got who knows where. Maybe he even made it himself, in which case you probably shouldn’t even consider drinking it with the way he almost gave you alcohol poisoning with another experimental drink of his a while back.

“Turn that frown upside down!” he tells you with a singsong tone in his voice as he hands you the red plastic cup, and you shoot him an angry glare.

“Shut up…” you bark back, but he doesn’t seem to take it personally. Instead he just grins at how you down the cup in one go, and without the need for words, he grants you a refill right away.

“Someone’s looking for a way to escape reality today, aren’t you?” he remarks. As you feel the mixture of sugar and alcohol entering your blood flow almost right away and making your body feel a little lighter, you finally relax a little.

“Did you have to invite him?” you answer with a question.

“Him?” Keeho questions, and in no time he seems to figure out who you’re talking about. “Oh, you mean Taeyang?” A disgruntled noise from your side tells him he’s right with his assumption. “He’s a good friend of mine. How could I not invite him?”

“I don’t like him?” Silence follows, and Keeho raises his eyebrows as he gives you a judging look.

“You do though…?” he eventually answers. “I think you just don’t like the fact that you like him.” You feel yourself agreeing with him, and before that feeling can turn into coherent thoughts, you say,

“I don’t wanna talk about it. Let’s go do something fun.”

“I can introdu-”

“No need.” You cut him off sharply, then you start walking towards the garden. Keeho follows suit, and he puts his arm loosely around your shoulders.

“What if I tell you he’s taken an interest in you too?” he suddenly says just when you’ve reached the door leading from the living room to the veranda. You feel your heart stop for a second upon hearing those words, but you do your best not to let your friend notice.

“You sure I shouldn’t bring him to say hi to you?” Keeho follows up with a question and you spin on your heels to face him, your dress fluttering in the warm summer air. You’re usually not the type to wear dresses unless it’s for a formal occasion, but somehow Keeho kept insisting on how good you would look in this one and how much he’d love to see you wear a dress casually just once, so eventually you gave in. Not because he convinced you 100%, it’s mostly because he wouldn’t stop bugging you about it and you really needed him to shut up for once.

“Very sure,” you retort. “Now, I’m getting tipsy so that means I’m in the mood to dance.” You hold your hand out to him, waiting for him to take it.

“There isn’t even proper music playing,” he argues.

“Well, you’re the host, so do something about it!”

“Alright. I’ll be right back,” Keeho says, and with a grin and an excited spark in his eyes, he rushes back inside to turn on some proper music to party to, while you tend to the cup in your hand and empty this one in no time too. You won’t be able to keep holding it while you’re dancing anyway, so you might as well finish it and get a new one once you want another drink. Throwing it into the trash bin out in the garden that Keeho must’ve prepared beforehand, you hear a familiar tune resound from the speakers both inside the house and outside on the terrace. It’s a song you’ve liked ever since you first discovered it, and when you see your childhood friend coming out of the house and returning straight to you, you shoot him a proud look.

“You know what I like,” you remark with a grin on your lips, to which he shoots you a similar expression as he takes you by the hands.

“I can’t have you being unhappy at my party,” he says, and you appreciate the thought. Then you start dancing, along with some other people around you. For a while neither of you says anything, and you just enjoy the way the music, the alcohol, and your and Keeho’s synchronized movements are gradually making you feel more at peace with the situation you’re in. However, at some point any kind of happiness needs to end, and so does this one when your beloved but sometimes slightly annoying childhood friend opens his mouth.

“So… what is it about Taeyang that you like so much?”

“Ugh…” you reply with a groan and avoid eye contact with your friend.

“Or… maybe it’s easier if I ask what you dislike so much about this?” Keeho keeps going ruthlessly. “I mean, he might seem like an angry kitten at first, but really he’s a nice and reliable guy once you’ve gotten to know him a little.” Something about the way he worded that first part bothers you, but you decide not to give it too much thought.

“Can we just not talk about him?” you retort instead, and though you notice the way Keeho sighs at you, you don’t react to it. There is one thing that Keeho doesn’t know. There is no need for him to introduce you two, because technically you already know each other - if having one conversation can be called knowing someone, but you suppose Taeyang at least became an acquaintance through that. The topic you talked about was something mundane, you remember it was after one of your shared lectures, but you don’t remember any details of what was said. Details that you do remember however were the way he swiped his hair back mid sentence, the way the look in his eyes was so intense that it made you feel the urge to start a staring battle with him right on the spot simply because you wanted to prove to yourself that you could withstand it, or the feeling you were left with once he walked out of the lecture hall. You’d never felt yourself this attracted to a stranger - or anyone for that matter - and still you can’t even grasp the full reason why. Sure, he isn’t ugly, and he’s on the tall side too, but that applies to many guys. There must be something else that keeps drawing your full attention to him like a spell put on you whenever you happen to spot him somewhere at uni or your paths cross out in the hallways on the way from one class to the other. And the way you just can’t figure out what that something is makes you hate these feelings that you have for him and that only seem to be growing stronger with each passing day - or maybe it’s the fact that you have no idea how to approach him and make him yours. But you would never admit any of that out loud.

“Oh, you know what?” Keeho’s exclaim tears you out of your thoughts and brings you back to reality. “We should get some games from the basement for later. Drunk Twister sounds like a good idea.”

“It sounds like a horrible idea to me so I won’t take part, but I can help you carry some games upstairs?” you suggest, and Keeho nods. You’re a little sad when you let yourselves fall out of the rhythm to walk back inside, where you check your surroundings first of all. Taeyang seems nowhere in sight, so you relax a little and you let out a small sigh. You follow Keeho across the house and to the basement, when suddenly, halfway down the stairs, he abruptly comes to a halt right in front of you so you almost crash face first into his back.

“Oh, I forgot something,” he shouts, and then turns around one step below you. “I was gonna bring something with me to the basement, mind if I go get it real quick?” You step aside as if to signal him that it’s alright with you, and he hurries back up the stairs past you. You sigh as you watch him disappear into the hallway, and somehow you must realize you’re not as annoyed with him as you usually are when he pulls things like this.

“Is it the alcohol?” you question. “I should drink more often in that case.” You let out a dry laugh and lean against the cool wall of the staircase, directing your gaze at your shoes while you wait. You picked out sneakers to go with the dress, because if you’re already forced to wear something you’re not used to wearing normally, you at least want your feet to be comfortable. Plus, these simple black and white chucks suit any kind of clothing - or at least that’s what you think. A smile crosses your lips - whether it’s because you’re suddenly proud that you didn’t let your best friend annoy you into wearing 100% what he wants, or if it’s just the bliss of being slightly drunk so you don’t care. And then you notice someone approaching the stairs in the corner of your eye, and when you raise your chin to yell at Keeho for taking so long, the words suddenly get stuck in your throat.

“Oh.” That is all he says upon recognizing you. And recognize you he did within a second, you’re sure of that from the way his expression quickly changes from surprise to something like a closed door, as if he had something to hide. Choi Taeyang… his name pops up in your mind, but that’s about the only thought your brain can produce at that moment. His gaze drops from your face to the stairs as he starts to descend them, and when he’s about two steps away from you, he raises the plastic box in his hand. You notice it contains several other smaller boxes on closer look and you wonder just why it was so important for Keeho to bring them to the basement today and not any other time.

“Keeho asked me to take these with me and to help you carry some games to the living room,” Taeyang explains, mostly looking at the ground in front of him. However, when your gazes meet for a second, you can feel goose bumps forming on your arms and legs, and at the same time that familiar heat arises in your stomach again. You curse Keeho in your mind as it dawns on you that he most likely sent Taeyang here to set you two up, then you turn your back to the guy next to you and you walk all the way downstairs, closely followed by him.

“Give me those,” you say, gesturing to the boxes usually used to store leftovers, and when Taeyang hands them to you, your fingers touch for a split second. You try to ignore the electric spark this causes you to feel just where your skin came in contact with his, and instead you put the boxes to their rightful place. Then you immediately move on to the next shelf to look for some fun games - you have no time to lose if you want to get out of here as fast as possible.

“You sure know this place well,” Taeyang remarks. “Do you come around here often?”

“Well, me and Keeho have known each other for an eternity so… pretty much,” you answer.

“Oh, so you are the childhood friend he keeps talking about!” the guy next to you exclaims.

“Yeah,” you respond while taking a few games out of the shelf and quickly handing them to Taeyang. You must admit you appreciate the small talk, especially while having a perfectly valid excuse to avoid having to make eye contact with Taeyang. Still, you’re starting to curse Keeho even more upon learning that he seems to have already told Taeyang quite a lot about you.

“Isn’t this enough?” he questions as you turn back to the shelf and search all the various boxes with your eyes.

“He said to bring Twister too,” you explain, just before the colorful box comes into sight. “Found it!”

“Twister?” Taeyang repeats. “Not a fan of it.”

“Me neither,” you agree, and then you get on tiptoes, trying to reach the box on the top shelf, but failing horribly. Next to you, you can hear Taeyang chuckling softly at the sight, and when you’re about to yell at him for it, he puts the games you already handed him aside and approaches you. Trapping you between the shelf and his body, he reaches the box with ease and recovers it for you.

“There you go,” he says while handing it to you, and you’re not sure if he’s making fun of your height or if he’s being sincere, but from the way a somewhat shy smile has formed on his lips you guess it’s probably the latter. And it makes your heart flutter in a way you’ve never felt before.

“Thanks,” you say, your voice monotonous, and you mentally give yourself a pat on the shoulder for not giving away your current inner turmoil of emotions.

“Your dress…” Taeyang starts speaking again, without taking his eyes off you. “I think it looks good on you.”

“O-oh… thank you,” you answer, this time without being able to avoid stumbling over your words. “Keeho helped me pick it out.”

“I see…” You’re not sure if your eyes are tricking you when you see his pupils growing darker by one shade before he turns away, and it’s not like you have any way of confirming it. So you try to push that hunch away, but with how you find yourself trembling ever so slightly, there is no way you can deny the overload of feelings he sparks within you.

“Let’s go back up,” he says, and you’re thankful for your release from this prison of a situation finally coming into sight.

“Yeah,” you answer. Without exchanging another word, you both return to the first floor, and you put the boxes into the living room, just like Keeho asked. Speaking of him, you leave Taeyang within a second to go look for your friend, and you eventually find him outside, chatting with some guys you’ve never really talked to. Still, you approach him, and once you wrap your hand around his arm with a strong grip, he winces in surprise and calls out your name.

“Whoa!” he exclaims as soon as he discovers your angry expression. “What did I do???”

“You know exactly what you did.”

“Ohhh… about Taeyang? Sorry, I got caught up here, so I asked him to help you instead, haha!” By the tone of his voice alone you can tell that was nothing but a white lie, but you can’t exactly scold him for trying to set you up in front of some people you don’t even know, so you just glare at him some more and then decide to leave for now.

“Hmpf…” You turn on your heels and walk right over to the bar. Even when Keeho tries to stop you by calling out to you, you don’t pay him another look.

You’re not sure how much time you spend by yourself just taste-testing yourself through all kinds of bottles you find in Keeho’s kitchen, you just know that once he calls everyone to gather in the living room for playing some games the sun has fully set and you are significantly more drunk than you were before. Still, you refuse to partake in any of the games and instead join the people who decided to just watch. Taeyang as well seems to have made that same decision, as you find him leaning against a wall across the room with a cup in his hand, sparing the people playing a look or two every once in a while. But mostly his eyes are glued to you, and at this point he too seems drunk enough not to make a secret out of how much he really likes the sight of you in that dress. You would’ve usually gotten uncomfortable if someone kept staring you down this obviously, but somehow in this one case you like the way he’s fallen for your looks. It makes you feel a little more powerful in your situation, and also like maybe you do have a chance with him after all. But again, this is nothing you would ever admit out loud.

At some point he disappears behind the people standing next to him, heading off to god knows where. It is that moment in which your eyes lose sight of him, that you feel like something’s been torn away from you - something much more significant than just the sight of a handsome guy. Still, you shake your head in an attempt to rid yourself of such emotions, and in your mind you can hear drunk you and sober you fighting over whether you should give in to your feelings or not. And then, without having reached a conclusion, you suddenly hear him calling out your name, his voice resounding close to your ear. You whirl around in surprise, and at the same time you can feel a tingly sensation rushing through your whole body. The way your name sounds spoken in his voice keeps ringing in your ears, while you try to talk to him like you would normally talk to your friends.

“You surprised me…”

“Sorry,” he grins at you. You find a playful spark in his eyes, as if he startled you on purpose, and when he lifts his right hand to show you the item he’s holding in it, you tear your gaze away from those dark brown pupils.

“Alcohol?” you question once you realize he’s holding a fancy looking bottle.

“Sparkling wine or something… I found it in Keeho’s kitchen,” Taeyang explains and he shoots the host a look. “We’re allowed to take this, right?” You’re not sure if the answer to that is yes or no, but what you do know is that your childhood friend wouldn’t be mad if you were the one who took it. Considering if you should just take the blame in Taeyang’s stead, you respond,

“Sure…?”

“Let’s go upstairs with this, then,” Taeyang suggests. “I know something more fun to do than watching some drunk people play twister.” Assuming he wants to get even more drunk with you, you hesitate. The thought of just the two of you being in a room together alone makes you shiver - and not only in anticipation. However, while you’re still trying to figure out what to say to him, Taeyang already wraps his free hand around your wrist and pulls you along with him, out of the noisy living room.

“It gives you a headache, doesn’t it?” he remarks as he’s leading you towards the staircase.

“Yeah, the noise is terrible,” you say. You can’t make out his expression after that, as he’s walking a bit in front of you, but with how he doesn’t respond anymore, you feel like maybe the noise was not what he meant.

“Here we are,” he says eventually, opening one of the doors on the second floor.

“That’s Keeho’s room,” you explain.

“So?” Taeyang answers. “What better place to enjoy a secret drink than the host’s room?” You can only let out a short laugh, before you follow him inside and you sit down at the foot of Keeho’s bed. The guy who dragged you here closes the door and then walks over to you, about to open the bottle in his hands.

“Wait - what if it overflows?” you warn him, and Taeyang stares at you for a long moment, probably considering the possible consequences of that. Then he returns his attention to the bottle, and opens it anyway. You’re about to scold him, but when the only thing coming out of it after removing the cap is some smoke, the tension leaves your body. You would’ve usually yelled at him for this anyway, but drunk you doesn’t see the point of wasting your energy on that when nothing bad happened in the end.

“Oh, but… we forgot the cups,” Taeyang remarks, and you shrug before taking the bottle away from him.

“Whatever,” you mumble and you take a sip of the wine. It has a slightly sweet flavour, suiting your taste perfectly, and you enjoy the feeling of the fizzy liquid filling your mouth and the sparkles dancing on your tongue. “This is good,” you eventually say, giving the bottle a fond look before Taeyang takes it back. You’re about to complain when he brings the opening to his mouth, his lips touching the glass just where yours were mere moments ago, but your attention is drawn to his throat as he takes a sip and you can see his adam’s apple move as he swallows the alcoholic liquid.

“Wh-what are you doing?” you question.

“What do you mean, what am I doing? What does it look like I’m doing?” Taeyang answers and shoots you a questioning look.

“I mean-… both of us drinking from the same bottle?”

“Oh, you want the wine all to yourself?” he assumes and takes another sip of it. However, before you can deny his guess, he’s already lowering himself and you feel his lips being pressed against yours. He puts his hand behind your neck and as he parts your lips with his tongue, he tilts your head back a bit, so he can pass on the alcohol from his mouth to yours. You swallow it without thinking, and then you meet his tongue with yours, kissing him back while the aftertaste of the wine still lingers. Only when you part do you realize what just happened, and you turn away from him somewhat awkwardly. Taeyang doesn’t say anything. He merely straightens his back and then takes a few steps away from you, while drinking some more of the wine. Unsure how to react now, you merely bite your lower lip and let your gaze drop to the bedsheets underneath you. You remember once again how he called out your name, and mixed with the lingering feelings that the kiss left you with, it’s getting harder and harder for you to deny your attraction towards him.

“You know,” Taeyang eventually breaks the silence. “The way you’re always glued to Keeho… it pisses me off.”

“Huh?” you turn your head to find him still standing a few steps away from you, but the gaze he meets your eyes with makes your skin crawl.

“That guy is all over you all the time, it’s like he’s not leaving anyone else any space to even talk to you,” he explains, but the question mark above your head just grows.

“He’s a friend,” you argue. Taeyang comes closer to you, leaving the bottle on Keeho’s nightstand.

“I know,” he says, frustration reflecting in his voice. “I still don’t like it.”

“Are you… jealous of him?” you dare to ask, and you almost regret it when Taeyang throws you a sharp look in response.

“What if I am? Would you not be jealous if I always had another girl around me at all times?” His question hits something inside of you, something you didn’t know existed - or maybe it’s something of which you denied that it existed. You stand up abruptly and you open your mouth to say something back, but instead, Taeyang is faster again. He lets his gaze wander your body and his eyes narrow as he takes in the red color of the dress you’re wearing.

“And the fact that he was the one who told you to wear this dress… makes me want to rip it off.” You think your ears are tricking you for a second, until he makes eye contact with you, and the expression on his face tells you that there’s no way you misheard him.

“Th-this shit was expensive!” you yell at him, as if you had completely missed the point of his words. He steps closer to you, and he extends his hands slowly, until they’re resting on your shoulders, his fingers barely grazing your skin and the fabric of the dress. He leans in so his mouth is right next to your ear.

“I’ll take it off carefully then…” he mutters barely audible, and you feel a shiver running down your spine. You’re unable to think of an answer to give him, so you decide to let your body do the talking, and when you lift your arms to rest your hands against his chest, you notice the exact moment he sucks in a deep breath and then holds it. You feel his gaze resting on you, and his eyes taking in the sight of you once more, before he lets one of his hands wander to your back in order to open the zip on your dress, all while never taking his gaze off of you. You know you’re in a position where he will notice every oh so tiny change of body language or expression from you - but for once, you’re more than okay with that. You’re not sure if it’s because of the alcohol or because it’s something that he did to make you suddenly feel much more comfortable around him, but you cannot think straight for long enough to come to a conclusion anyway, as he tilts your head upwards with his other hand and kisses you again. You fall into the rhythm of him moving his soft lips against yours immediately while all your thoughts disappear, and the way he hungrily slips his tongue past your lips again sends another shiver throughout your whole body. Feeling you reacting this strongly to him, his kiss only becomes more eager, and you’re starting to think that you weren’t the only one here who’s been harbouring secret feelings for the other for quite some time.

When you part, he slides the dress off you - carefully, just like he promised - and when you now stand in front of him in only your underwear, he scans you from top to bottom again, and his lips slightly part at the sight. You feel a bit embarrassed by the way his stare won’t leave your exposed skin, so eventually you cup his face with your palms and pull him towards you, so you can kiss him again, forcing him to tear his gaze away from your body for at least a little while. Once he breaks the kiss, he pushes you backwards onto the bed, crawling on top of you. Your hands automatically find his arms to hold onto once he’s hovering above you, and you pull him closer to connect your lips once again. You keep kissing like this, tugging and tearing at clothes until eventually they’re scattered all over the floor, and only when you’re sitting in front of him, both of you completely naked, do you stop him in the middle of making out with you.

“Are you sure we can do this here?” you ask, breathless. You can barely finish your sentence, before Taeyang presses another kiss to the corner of your mouth.

“Why not?” he breathes.

“It’s Keeho’s bed after all…” you argue, and the guy in front of you cups your face with his hands, before letting his fingertips dance their way down your body, eventually resting them on your hips. You let out a shaky breath upon feeling his warm touch, and you shoot him another look, as if to remind him of your question.

“So what,” he simply states, before kissing you again, more intensely this time. Your hand finds its way up into his hair, and you pull him closer to keep him from breaking the kiss too soon. Still, once you’re forced to part for some air, you whisper,

“We can’t do this on his bed…”

“Do what?” Taeyang pries and you can’t believe he’s making you spell it out.

“Have sex,” you eventually say, and a satisfied glint shows in his pupils. Then, he uses his body weight to push your back into the sheets, and his lips find their way to your neck to trail kisses down to your collarbone. His hands reach yours, interlocking fingers, while his mouth wanders further south, kissing and nibbling on the skin on your breasts, and when you feel his hot tongue as a contrast to the chilly air around you on your nipple, a moan escapes you.

“You’re much more beautiful like this anyway,” he mutters, and adds under his breath, “You don’t need that stupid dress.” You moan again, finding yourself agreeing with him - that his attention is much better than Keeho’s approval for wearing a dress he likes on you. And so you squeeze his hands in yours, wiggling closer to the touch of his lips, and eventually Taeyang comes back up to share another passionate kiss with you, while one of his hands lets go of yours and he slips it between your legs. Another moan escapes your lips when you feel him dragging a finger up and down between your folds. He watches every single one of your reactions closely, but the way his intense stare won’t leave your face makes you feel the need to turn away from him, even if just for a second, and you find yourself conflicted about whether you want to show him the effect his touch has on you, or if you’d rather hide it. However, when he slips his finger inside you for a moment and another moan falls from your lips, you must realize that even if you want to, you won’t be able to hide anything from him.

Your heavy breaths are getting quicker, and your torso rises and sinks, while Taeyang scatters kisses all over your chest. His fingers are pumping in and out of you at a steady pace now, and too soon his movements halt and he removes his hand from your core. A sense of deprivation overcomes you and you whine, but once you look down on his toned body, you can see the reason for his actions.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispers as he lets his eyes wander your figure once again, and he positions himself between your legs, before pushing into you. Fingers interlocking once again, he makes eye contact with you to check if you’re feeling comfortable, and when he can find nothing but lust and pleasure reflecting in your pupils, he starts rolling his hips into yours.

Maybe he’s a little too eager about it again, but at the same time you wouldn’t want him to stop for anything in the world. He connects his lips to the skin on your throat again, except that this time, you can feel his teeth grazing your skin in between kisses as well. Your fingers clench around his hands more and more with each time he slips almost all the way out of you, only to reach just a little deeper with every time he slams his hips back against yours, and you’re sure that by now, there must be several marks of your nails on the backs of his hands. And at the same time you can hear his groans right next to your ear, causing you to leave yet a few more of those marks.

“Y/N,” his strained voice calls out to you, and you feel another rush of adrenaline overcoming your whole body from that alone. “Be mine.” The words hit you right where you would usually feel your emotions bubbling up whenever you even so much as look at Taeyang, except that this time you neither have the ability nor the will to hide it. And so, you can’t answer with anything but a moan, and his name falls from your lips multiple times as you feel your high approach. Only a few more thrusts of his, and you’re coming undone underneath him, with your mind filled with nothing but him, and the blissful feeling of cumming around his hard cock. With another groan, he too cums inside you, and you can feel him filling you up, before he collapses on top of you.

You stay like this for a while, waiting for both your minds to clear up from the emotions that came with your orgasms, and after a while of feeling his weight on your body, you realize that the effect of the alcohol has started to fade as well. Your mind begins to replay everything that just happened, and eventually you mutter, while still staring at the ceiling,

“I’ll be yours.” Taeyang props himself up on his elbows upon hearing your words, and he takes a long look at your face while he’s hovering above you. Then, as if he had finally processed the meaning behind your words, his expression softens and he leans in to press his lips gently against yours.

“Good,” he whispers, merely an inch above you, so you can feel his breath on your skin. “I’ll be yours too.”

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starry-nights-garden · 8 months

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Intak ✧ Starless

✧ P1Harmony Intak x fem!reader ✧ feat.: childhood/best friend!Keeho, Jiung, Theo ✧ words: ~29k ✧ genre: college AU, fluff, angst, slow burn/love triangle, some humor ✧ warnings: suggestive (mentions of them sleeping with each other but the descriptions are vague and not very detailed), alcohol consumption, swearing, depiction of anxiety and attachment issues, (reader's hair is long enough to be tied back)

Desc.: When your coworker and younger friend Chaewon (OC) tells you about the pressure her parents put on her to find a boyfriend, you don’t hesitate to help her. Keeho, whom you’ve known since childhood, suggests for her to go on a date with his friend Intak, who’s the same age as her. However, as the latter begins to slowly reenter your life, feelings that you thought you had buried once and for all start to come back up and they lead you both to a difficult decision which doesn’t come without its consequences.

"You and I - this isn't going to work out."

The first time you tell him that, he simply kisses you. He is doing it to show his dissent, to prove to you that you're wrong, and of course you don't argue back. Of course you don't waste time dwelling on the hurt and the growing hunch that this will end in a catastrophe that’s been slumbering and silently growing at the back of your head for a while now, when you could also spend that time feeling his lips on yours. And even though you know better, it's not like you don't want this. It's not like you'd suddenly find the strength within you to pull away from that kiss, to free yourself from his firm hold onto you, to interrupt the feeling of burning up wholly with every movement of his lips against yours.

You should, but you don't want to.

The face he made the second before he leaned in is still engrained before your inner eye, and you find yourself feeling sorry for him, and for having attempted to break his heart just now. Maybe that's why you're kissing him back now, with all your might, why you're kicking logic out of the cockpit and you simply let your overwhelming feelings fly. Maybe that's why you already have your arms wrapped around him, fingers dug into his clothes, tugging at them while the breeze inside you is worked up into a whirlwind. Maybe that's why you submit yourself to your feelings and his touch when you allow him to part your lips with his tongue, and to let it explore your mouth with no trace of resistance left in your body.

It's only in the morning when you regret it. You've fallen asleep in each other's arms, still drunk on each other, but now that you've sobered up, it's time to suffer the hangover. You carefully peel yourself out of his hold and you leave the shielding warmth of the blanket to pick up your clothes and to put them back on. When you throw him one last glance over your shoulder and you find him already hugging your side of the blanket while mumbling something unintelligible, you almost let yourself be amused. And then you walk out, and when you realize the turmoil of emotions in your heart still hasn't calmed down, you curse yourself silently and you do your best to ignore it.

You weren't even supposed to get this far in the first place. You've known Intak since he only just started high school, through your mutual friend Keeho. Back then you didn't think much of him - of course you're not blind and you've always thought he'd grow up to be a handsome guy someday, but it was never more than that.

That's until you started hanging out more, when you and Keeho had long graduated and started college, and Intak too had just finished high school. You two clicked, a bit too well maybe, and you felt yourself taking a liking to him. Before that, you had always thought that Keeho was something like your other half, the person you would always get along with best, but when one night you stayed up just talking to Intak until morning, you felt you had to revisit that.

“So, what do you want?” Keeho raises an eyebrow at you after taste-testing and approving of the slice of cake you just ended up buying for him. You’re sitting opposite each other in a café close to your university campus, two cups of coffee on the table, and the piece of strawberry cake that’s missing one medium sized bite. You sigh. You still can’t believe you’re really doing this, but there’s no way out now. So you collect your thoughts and start explaining.

“It’s like this… I have this friend… Chaewon. I told you about her.”

“The new coworker?” Keeho guesses and you nod.

“Yes, her. So anyway, for the past weeks or so she’s always made these comments about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend and how she envies the couples that come into our shop, or the people who buy something for a lover, and so on.”

“She’s a real romantic, huh,” your friend throws in and you’re not sure if he’s being sarcastic or sincere.

“I’m not sure. What I do know is that - she told me that after I bugged her about it for days and finally got her to talk - her parents are… of the old-fashioned sort. Apparently they only allowed her to go study if she promised to return with a boyfriend as soon as possible.”

“Ooh!” Keeho shoots you a disapproving look, distorting his face to the point his disgusted expression speaks for itself.

“I know,” you agree. “But there’s nothing she or anyone can do about it.”

“So… you’re asking me to…?” He points at himself with a sceptical look in his eyes and you immediately shake your head and wave your hands in front of your face in strong denial.

“No, no, not you,” you assure your friend whom you’ve known since elementary school. “I was going to ask if you know someone though. Since you have a few younger friends, and I thought it might be nice to find her someone her age.”

“Ohhh, I got you!” He puts down the fork and leans back in his chair, crossing his arms in front of his chest in order to think for a bit. “Hmmm… she’s a freshman you said?”

“She is,” you confirm.

“And she’s a bit shy? Was she the shy one?”

“Yeah, that’s her,” you answer. “But once she opens up a bit she’s really comfortable to talk to. And she’s very kind, always makes sure everyone’s happy and doesn’t feel out of place.”

“I see… well.” Keeho props his elbows up on the table now, giving you a serious look. “I have someone in mind.”

“Oh? That’s great!”

“I think he might be a good match for her… I mean, I don’t know her as well as you do, but from what I know they’ll probably get along.”

“Well, I trust you, so… when can we set them up?” You reach for your cup of coffee now, taking a sip of the bitter beverage, trying not to pull faces as the rather unpleasant taste creeps down your throat. Keeho pulls out his phone, unlocking it in one swift motion as he continues talking.

“I’ll have to ask him when he’s free,” he answers. “I doubt he’ll reply right away, though. Wait-” He stops mid typing up a message on his phone, then looks up at you. “Will you be fine, though?” he asks, concern now mixing into his otherwise concentrated expression.

“Will I?” You repeat the question. “Why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“I was thinking of Intak,” Keeho explains, and in your brain you can feel some wires connect. You’re silent for a second, only slightly raising your eyebrows in surprise. The smiling face of the puppy-like boy you first met about three years ago appears in front of your inner eye, but you suffocate all feelings you might associate with that mental image by replying immediately.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t that be fine?”

“Didn’t you kinda have feelings for him at some point?” Keeho asks, but you brush it off.

“Oh, that. Nah, that crush is dead,” you say. “Plus,” you add, a little more silently now, “he should date someone his age. Not someone old like me.” You laugh at your own words, and Keeho gasps in disbelief.

“Then what does that make me??” he complains. Understandably so, as you’re in the same year.

“Well, I feel old next to him,” you throw in, and your friend’s expression softens.

“You’re not old, Y/N,” he responds and his gaze wanders from your face back to his phone screen. He has to unlock it again, and then finishes typing up his message. “And… it’s sent!” he announces. So there really is no turning back now.

“Great, thank you,” you say. “Let me know as soon as he texts you back so I can tell Chaewon.”

“Sure thing,” Keeho answers. His attention returns to the sweet strawberry cake in front of him, while you tend to your coffee, not exactly liking the bitterness spreading in your mouth, but what can you do? You’re a working student with a busy schedule, you have to keep yourself as awake as possible during the day, especially during periods of time where you don’t get enough sleep at night.

“How’s uni going for you, anyway?” your childhood friend starts a new conversation once he’s half done with the cake.

“Pretty okay. I have a presentation coming up, so… a bit nervous about that.”

“Ahh, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.” He says that with such carelessness in his voice that it almost makes you angry. You bite your tongue inside your mouth behind pursed lips, reminding yourself that he doesn’t know, and because he doesn’t know there’s no way he could react appropriately.

“Yeah, it’ll be fine,” you answer, quickly diverting the attention to him. “And you? How’s your last uni year treating you? Or are you gonna be crazy enough to do a master’s degree too?” Keeho chuckles at your words.

“We’ll see. For now I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate soon, so… is that a bad thing?”

“Probably not. You don’t have exams yet, do you?”

“Nothing,” he confirms. “I mean, the semester only just started. I’m surprised you already have serious work to do.”

“What do you mean, serious work?” you argue. “Isn’t all uni work to be taken seriously?” The cheeky smile you throw him is returned to you immediately, and you feel yourself relax as you’re falling into your usual ping-pong-like bickering.

“Well, I mean, I wanna have a life too, you know…” he shrugs to underline his words.

“I have a life, thank you,” you reply. “You just gotta find the right balance. That’s the thing you’re still short of compared to me, Yoon Keeho.” You pick up your unused spoon that came with the coffee and point it at the male. He snorts at your words.

“I have my own balance, thank you.” The way he smiles and returns to eating his cake signals to you that this conversation is over, and neither of you got anything out of it, except for the reassurance that you still understand each other perfectly and you know how to turn a conversation into a game that satisfies both of you. Or well, you know each other almost perfectly.

Another sip of your coffee with which you force yourself to finish the hot drink, and a look at the clock placed behind the café’s counter tell you it’s time for you to wrap up and move on to your next lecture, before you can finally let your day slowly fade out.

“I think I’ll have to go,” you announce.

“Me too. I’m seeing Taeyang after this.”

“Lucky,” you comment. “I get to spend the next 90 minutes in a workshop.”

“You don’t like your course?” he guesses.

“That’s not it. It’s interesting, but I imagine sitting in class is still more tiresome than hanging out with a friend,” you reckon. Keeho smiles - he can’t argue with that.

“That’s true,” he says eventually, and after finishing his coffee and the cake, you both get up and it’s time for you to say goodbye.

Later that evening you receive a message from him, asking if it would be possible for Chaewon to meet his younger friend this weekend. You decide to talk to her about it tomorrow at work, hoping she’ll say yes and not make this more complicated for you than it already is.

“Chaewon, do you have a minute? I have good news.” The girl who’s a bit taller than you looks at you with big dark brown eyes. At times like this one could almost mistake her for a teddy bear, or a really cute puppy. You can’t help but smile at her, and her cutely done hair, as well as the way her work uniform seems like it was just made for her. You have planned to speak to her at a time when there’s no customers in the shop, and now that the perfect opportunity has arrived, she’s following you to the break room at the back of the shop with an expectant look on her face.

“What is it?” she wonders out loud, and you catch yourself thinking about if she’s really as naive as she seems.

“You’re going on a date on Saturday,” you announce. Her eyes are wide open now, as is her mouth, which she immediately hides behind her hands.

“A… date?” she repeats. You nod.

“You have the weekend off, don’t you?” you ask.

“I-I mean… I do.” Chaewon seems hesitant. You expected her to be filled with joy upon hearing the news, but she seems anxious now more than anything.

“What’s wrong?”

“I… that’s a bit sudden, isn’t it? Also, who am I going on a date with?” You smile at her while you put your index finger over your lips.

“It’s a blind date,” you explain. “You’ll see who it is once you’re there.”

“Oh…” she sighs. Chaewon’s gaze wanders from your face to the shelves behind you, and eventually ends up searching for something on the ground. She crosses her arms behind her back, and she nervously steps from one foot onto the other.

“Don’t worry,” you try to reassure her. “He’s a good person. My best friend suggested him, and he wouldn’t set you up with just anyone. Neither would I.”

“Well, I guess…” Chaewon sighs again. Then, very slowly and hesitantly, she starts to nod. “When… do I meet him? And where…?”

“At-” Just as you’re about to give her the details, you’re interrupted by a bell sound, signalling that a customer has arrived. “I’ll text you the details,” you say, already getting ready to rush to the customer area.

“Alright,” she says, a bit discouraged, but she puts on her best smile as she follows you to the front of the shop. You send her a message including all information she needs first thing after getting off your shift that day.

“Good work,” your boss greets you as he’s about to leave. “Are you locking up today?”

“It’s Chaewon’s turn,” you retort, and he nods, already rushing out the door. You kind of envy him a bit. He already has most of his working life on his back, and he comes home to a family every night. But most of all he doesn’t have to do any coursework, which is currently causing you to worry again. Your presentation is on Thursday, and so far you’ve mostly procrastinated on it, because you know exactly what will happen once you let yourself be confronted with it. However, it is about time you start. There’s not enough time left to run away from it much longer.

You put your phone away and take off your apron, hanging it into your locker carefully, so it will still look neat next time you come to work. On one side above the chest part, there’s the shop name stitched into the fabric, “Mon petit chocolatier”. You run your fingertip along the letters, embroidered by hand, and you enjoy the feeling of the silky yarn used for it.

“Thank you,” Chaewon says as she walks by you and she holds up her phone. “Your message,” she adds as an explanation.

“Sure thing,” you answer. “Have fun! And let me know how it went.” You shoot her an encouraging wink, and she responds with a smile.

“I will. Get home safely!”

“You too,” you answer. Then you get your bag out of your locker and get ready to go home.

With a long sigh you enter your room, slipping off your shoes first thing. Then you switch on the light, and you find everything looking just like you left it in the morning. It’s a little disillusioning, you think. You put away the dishes you left next to the sink to dry over the day, and you open your fridge to heat up the box of leftovers from yesterday’s dinner in the microwave. You set it to 3 minutes, just to be safe that your food won’t still be cold in the middle, and then your feet carry you to the bathroom. You wash your hands and remove the light makeup you had put on in the morning, after tying your hair back. In the meanwhile, the microwave has signalled you that your food is ready with a high-pitched beeping sound, and you walk back to the small kitchen area to have dinner. You’ve been living in a one-room apartment ever since you started studying, and after finishing your second year you had to move into a new room. Though at first you weren’t happy about the move, you’ve gotten accustomed to your new place by now, and since this one’s a little more spacious than the one you used to live in, you’re quite okay with ending up here.

You almost burn yourself with the first bite of the fried rice you heated up for yourself, so you let the food cool for a bit, while staring out the window next to you. You live on the 8th floor, so you can see quite far from here, thanks to the building next door not being as high as the one you live in. You like watching the artificial lights of the busy city at night, but you like stargazing even more, so you’re a bit sad that you can’t see a single star from here. No matter how clear the night sky may be, the city is simply too bright, and it drowns out any stars you might’ve been able to see otherwise. You can see the moon though, however, even the moonlight seems surprisingly dull here compared to its bright light in your hometown in the countryside.

After finishing your meal, you quickly rinse the plate and the spoon you ate with, and then you sit down in front of your laptop. A bad feeling fills your chest from what you’re about to do, but you try to ignore it for as long as possible and open the document anyway. It includes all kinds of sources for your presentation about the topic you’ve been assigned, and you click one of the links pasted into the document at an earlier time at random. When it leads you to a 30-page file including an article about the topic, you sigh, and your shoulders slouch over a bit further. Still, you start reading and you do your best to take notes of everything you think is relevant. You’ve done this process many times before, it’s all rinse-and-repeat, so if you try to forget about the way you’re getting more tired the further the clock advances, it’s actually quite an okay type of work. You’re used to it, and that’s reassuring - other than the actual presenting you will have to do next week in class. Still, the closer you get to the end of the article, the more the anxiety arises within you.

You’ve had this since you were a kid - the anxiety, that is. And while its shape and form might have changed over time, it never went away no matter what you did. Sure, there are things you can do to calm it down for a while, like listening to certain types of music, and in some cases talking about it helps, but overall it’s always there, until the thing that made you anxious in the first place passes by. Many things of your everyday life you’ve gotten used to, like attending class or going to work and having to talk to customers there, so you can usually bear it at those times. However, if something unexpected or uncommon arises, like being forced to deal with a rude customer, or having to do a presentation after a long time like now, the fear goes through the roof. And sometimes, you end up asking yourself what you’re even doing this for, before carrying on with life anyways, because there isn’t exactly any other way out for you.

You take in a deep breath and exhale the air in your lungs, as you feel the pressure rising. You look up at the ceiling in an attempt to find your focus again. Then, just when you have to admit that it won’t get any better until that damn presentation is finally over, your phone buzzes.

“I thought I put it on dnd…?” you mumble into the darkness of your room as you flip it over to check who it is, and you’re surprised when you see Chaewon calling you. Needing a break from your coursework anyway, you pick up. “Hello?” you say.

“I can’t do this,” are her first words, followed by a small sniffling sound.

“Are you crying?” you ask, and at the same time you feel a hint of jealousy hiding behind the ever present anxiety. You know she’s quite the crybaby, and sometimes you envy her for it, because being able to cry out your feelings every now and then sure seems like a better thing than bottling it all up inside without ever properly letting it out. Pushing those thoughts away quickly, you shake your head and remind yourself that this isn’t about you. “What can’t you do?” you add, making sure your voice sounds gentle, when she doesn’t answer.

“The date… I don’t think I can just go there and… you know?” she explains. You’d have tried to cheer her up and encourage her in some way, but the way her voice sounds so small and lost, you doubt you’d be successful with that.

“Well, if you feel like you’re not ready and don’t want to go…”

“But I do! I do wanna go,” she protests weakly. “Just… not alone. Can’t you come along?”

“To your date?”

“Yes.”

“Won’t that be a bit weird if I accompany you there…?” you wonder out loud.

“Right…” Chaewon answers. Silence follows, and as you try to come up with a different solution, she raises her voice again. “Then how about you bring your best friend along. Let’s make it something like a double-date?” You snort.

“I don’t wanna go out with Keeho,” you’re fast to retort, but then you give it some more thought. “...but… if that would help you feel safe to do it then… I guess I can ask him?”

“You would? Thank you so much!” You can clearly hear Chaewon’s immediate change of mood from the way her tone of voice changes and already sounds much brighter. “Then see you on Saturday!” You can barely say bye to her when she hangs up a bit too quickly in her new-found excitement. To be honest, her spontaneity is quite amusing to you. Not having any time to lose, you follow up by giving Keeho a call.

“...hello?” he answers the phone hesitantly. He doesn’t sound like he’s up for talking to people at this hour, but you also know he wouldn’t ever think of ignoring your call.

“Congratulations, you won!” you announce, and even without seeing his face, you can imagine the question marks that must be popping up above his head right about now.

“...won what?”

“A date with me!”

“Ew!”

“Hey! That hurts…” you chuckle, before summing up the conversation you just had for him.

“So… Chaewon is afraid to meet Intak by herself, so she asked the two of us to come along?” he repeats your words after you’re done talking.

“Pretty much.”

“And do we have to act like a couple, or…?”

“God forbid, no,” you laugh. “We’re just going there for emotional support? Emotional support friends!”

“Alright, so the wingwoman and wingman are making sure the whole date goes well?”

“Yeah,” you say. “Though I’m sure she’ll be fine without us… doing anything specific. I guess she just doesn’t like the idea of having to meet a complete stranger on her own for the first time.”

“That makes sense, yeah,” Keeho replies. “Fine, I guess. You’re lucky I didn’t have plans for Saturday yet!”

“I bet your only plans were sleeping in until like 2pm and then playing games all day…”

“That’s not true!” he protests. “Well, the first part is, but…” You catch yourself laughing out loud at his words, but immediately quiet down as you remind yourself how midnight’s just around the corner, and the neighbours might hear you and be bothered by the noise if you’re being too loud.

Either way, your night has gotten a little brighter while talking to Keeho on the phone, and you force yourself to read one more article until you finally make it to bed around 2am and get some well-deserved sleep, before your alarm wakes you up again 5 hours later to challenge another day.

It’s Saturday afternoon, and you arrive in front of the café you picked out for your friends’ blind date about 15 minutes early. Upon spotting Keeho there as well, you pout and make a disgruntled noise at him.

“I thought I’d be here first,” you utter, once you stand right in front of him.

“Beat you to it,” he just remarks and smirks. “But to be honest, I also only just got here like a minute or so ago - if that makes you feel better.”

“Not a lot, but thanks for trying to cheer me up.”

“But, Y/N… what’s with your outfit today?” You look down on yourself once, afraid there might be a stain somewhere on your shirt or pants. As soon as Keeho notices your distress, he waves his hands at you and shakes his head. “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just… you look prettier than usual.”

“Oh.” The sudden compliment catches you off guard, and you need a few seconds to reorganize your thoughts. “I… thought since it’s technically still a date, I might as well… put a little effort into my outfit today,” you explain and Keeho gives you a smile.

“I think it paid off,” he continuously flatters you. Just then, his focus shifts from you to someone else behind you. “Intak!” he calls out the younger guy’s name and waves at him.

“I’m not late, am I?” he asks once he comes to a halt next to you. He’s a bit out of breath, so you reckon he must’ve run here.

“No, no, you did well,” the older guy says. Then, directed at you, Keeho adds, “I told him like 10 times to make sure he isn’t late today. To not make a bad impression, you know.” You force a laugh, starting to already dread this date.

“Oh, Y/N,” Intak calls you by your name now, and he forces you to look at him. “I haven’t seen you in so long,” he adds with a grin. Me too, you add in your thoughts, as you’re met with the sight of someone who is so different from the boy you remember from a bit over half a year ago, and yet so similar.

“Yeah…” you simply respond, suddenly at a loss for words. You turn away from him, and only when Keeho is fully in your sight again does reality hit you, and you become painfully aware of the way the guy right next to you is apparently still capable of making your heart beat faster with merely a look and a few words. Though, if you’re quite honest with yourself, the look alone would’ve done the job just as well. You’re not sure if you should be glad or more uptight once Chaewon finally arrives, but you sure as hell are more than thankful that she immediately starts talking. You earn some time to sort out your thoughts and to push your feelings away while she apologizes for being a bit late, because there was some kind of issue with the bus or train - you’re not really listening to her words properly at this point.

Still in a state of being forced to mostly pay attention to your own fast beating heart, Keeho suggests for the four of you to enter the café, and you follow behind the rest while moving mechanically. A waitress assigns you the table that’s been reserved in your name, and you realize that your hands are shaking as you’re in the process of putting your handbag over the backrest of your chair. Keeho, who chose the seat right next to you, pulls out your chair for you as you’re about to sit down, and you thank him with a smile. Chaewon reaches out for one of the menus and places it between her and Intak, who are sitting opposite of you and Keeho, to ask him what he wants. You’ve decided on a café that she knows well, so she immediately starts recommending her favourites to him. You steal merely a glance at his pleasantly surprised face by her talkativeness, and at the same time you’re somewhat impressed by how much and how well she can talk in her situation. That’s when you feel like you might be even more nervous here than the - hopefully - future couple, and it makes you feel quite ridiculous.

“What do you want?” Keeho tears you out of your thoughts and slides a second menu a bit closer to you, which is simply composed of one laminated A4-sheet. The paper is dyed in a creamy shade of yellow, and the café’s name is printed on top in an artistic font that’s a bit hard to read. The prices are okay, and there’s one page of mostly homemade drinks and lemonades, and the backside has all kinds of pastries. At the very bottom it says to ask a waiter for the daily special.

“I don’t know…” you answer while your eyes are still busy scanning all the offered beverages and cakes. “Have you decided?”

“That strawberry cake sounds good,” he remarks. You look for the name of the cake he’s talking about and eventually read it aloud.

“The ‘Rainbow Land Jelly Strawberry Dream Cake’...?”

“Yeah,” he says. “Just the name’s a bit ridiculously long.” You chuckle at his words and find yourself agreeing. Then again, it’s not like any other item on the menu has a less elaborate name, except for maybe the iced americano or a classic cup of tea.

When a waiter arrives at your table to take your order, Keeho gets the job done for all of you, and finally you feel yourself relax a bit.

“So…” he immediately keeps talking after the waiter has left, and he gestures at both Chaewon and Intak. “What’s you guy’s first impression of each other?” You can see the both of them being flustered by his question.

“Isn’t that a bit straightforward…?” you throw in, but your friend who sits right in front of you is already about to give him an answer. A light blush creeps onto her cheeks, and she averts her eyes, hiding behind her bangs as she talks.

“W-well… he’s handsome…” You can see the guy next to her feeling both flattered and taken aback by the sudden compliment.

“Th-that’s a good thing, I guess,” you mutter, trying to take some of the awkwardness out of the situation, but failing to do so. However, Intak too doesn’t seem embarrassed enough not to answer.

“You seem… very nice,” he states, and now he’s blushing too, meanwhile you shoot Keeho a death-glare, because he just risked ruining this date before it has even properly started, and from the bright grin on his lips you figure he did this merely for his own entertainment. Finally noticing your angry stare, his expression changes and he throws his hands in the air.

“Fine, okay! I just wanted to fluster them a bit. Makes for some good bonding time, you know?” he attempts to talk himself out of it.

“Just ask them normal questions!” you scold him, and both Chaewon and Intak merely watch the two of you with great interest, as well as a bit of confusion in their gazes. “Let’s just talk about what each of us are doing at the moment, shall we?” you take over, and address everyone at the table. You shoot Chaewon an encouraging nod, and she straightens her back before she starts talking.

“So I’m in my second semester at uni,” she explains. “I study communication. Oh, and also I know Y/N because we work part-time at the same job. Uhmmm… originally I’m from the countryside, but I moved into dorms in Seoul to study. I also have a little sister who just started high school.”

“Ohh, that’s interesting!” Keeho exclaims. “And what are you planning for the future? Like, what job you want and stuff.”

“Oh,” Chaewon seems a bit taken aback by his question and she starts fidgeting with the end of the sleeve of her cardigan. “Actually… I’m not sure. My parents are a bit of the traditional kind, so I’m lucky that they let me study in the first place…” Her voice grows smaller with each word, and you can tell that she’s feeling ashamed because of her situation.

“Well, just do your best for now,” you try to encourage her. “Maybe if they see that you’re doing well with your studies, they’ll give you a bit more freedom.” You shoot her a smile, and you can see that she tries her hardest to believe in your words.

“Then… what about you?” Chaewon asks, and shoots the guy sitting next to her a glance.

“I’m a performing arts major, and I’m also in my second semester,” Intak explains, and you can see a spark of interest light up in your friend’s eyes.

“Performing arts?” Chaewon repeats. “So like… you dance?”

“Yep!” He nods proudly. “I can show you one day… if you’d like?” You can tell that the girl next to him was about to ask him about the exact same thing, and she excitedly nods.

“Yes, please! So, you’re like one of those dancers on TV?”

“Ah… I’m not that great…” A bright smile forms on Intak’s face, but from the way he looks elsewhere for a second and how he lifts his hand to scratch the back of his neck you can tell he feels a little shy because of her question. Your gaze wanders to your childhood friend, and you’re surprised to find him looking at you too. There’s a content grin plastered all over his face, and you return the smile. They seem to be getting along well, and you know he’s at least as glad about that as you are. Still, something about the happily chatting pair in front of you causes your heart to ache, but you decide to push that feeling away with all your might. You remind yourself that this day isn’t about you, and when Keeho interrupts the two to divert the attention to you, you force yourself to focus.

“I just started my last semester in cultural studies, actually,” you explain, then you point to Keeho. “This one’s still stuck in courses he should’ve done in his second year because he fucked up his attendance.”

“Hey!” your male friend exclaims in offense. “I’m doing my best, okay! And you didn’t get this far without problems either…”

“Sure, sure,” you brush him off, and the short bickering gives you some sense of security.

“And what… kind of culture?” Intak throws in a question. “I mean, what do you focus on?” Him not even knowing about that detail reminds you of just how long it has been since you last saw each other. You only start specializing in a specific area of studies in your third year, after all.

“I do research mostly on the East Asian region,” you explain. “Like Korea-Japan relations for example, or inter-Korean relations. That kinda stuff.”

“Yeah, and I do-” Keeho tries to add something, but you interrupt him.

“Hey! It’s not your turn yet.” Your comment makes both Chaewon and Intak laugh, and before you can finish your short introduction, your order arrives. You wait until everything is served, before continuing.

“Where was I…? Right, I also live alone currently,” you state.

“That’s so nice, though,” Chaewon throws in. “Having a roommate is fun and all, but having your own place?”

“I mean… it’s just a small one-room apartment so… nothing to be jealous of,” you say, but she insists.

“Still…”

“That’s true, though. The freedom you have when you live alone is pretty nice,” Keeho agrees, and you gesture for him to take over talking in general. “I’m also a cultural studies major… but at a different uni. Not sure if I’ll do the master’s degree too, like this crazy person right here is planning to.” He points at you and you snort but shoot him a smile. He goes on, “I’m still at a point where classes are more about a variety of stuff, but I try to focus on European cultures. And also I live in a flat share, but everyone’s moving out after the other, so it’s only a matter of time until I have the place to myself.”

“You mean until you can’t afford the rent all by yourself anymore?” you jump in.

“Pfff, what are you talking about…” Keeho laughs off your words.

“Right, you’re just gonna beg your parents to pay you more money, huh?”

“Hey! Don’t make me look bad in front of them!” he exclaims loudly and then immediately covers his mouth with his hands when he realizes the other customers around you must’ve heard him yell. However, both Chaewon and Intak seem to be enjoying the situation, watching the two of you play-fight back and forth.

The afternoon passes faster than any of you have expected, and it becomes clear that setting up the two of them was a success. Whenever you and Keeho turn to talk amongst yourselves, the pair in front of you does the same, chatting comfortably as if they’d known each other since forever. Only sometimes Chaewon becomes too insecure and doesn’t know how to continue the conversation, but one of you others always has a topic ready to keep talking, and before you know it, almost three hours have passed, and you eventually decide to call it a day.

“Oh, but I think I’ll go to the restroom before we leave, since I have a bit of a long way home,” Chaewon announces after you finished paying at the counter.

“Alright,” you say. “We’ll wait for you outside?”

“Sure!”

“Actually,” Keeho throws in, pointing in the general direction of the toilets, “I think I need to go too.” So in the end you split up for a short while, and it’s just you and Intak who leave the café ahead of the others.

“But…” he somewhat awkwardly starts a sentence once you’re outside, before he lifts his head to look you in the eyes properly. “It was nice seeing you again, too.” You’re glad that he feels that way, if you’re completely honest with yourself, and despite your efforts not to show that too much, you can’t stop yourself from smiling.

“Yeah… me too,” you eventually admit. “You’re really growing up well, huh?” Intak puffs out his chest and shows you a proud smile.

“Well, I am all grown up now!” he exclaims and you have to chuckle at the younger guy.

“I meant that you got taller,” you explain and you can see the offense in his expression. “I’m not calling you a man until you’ve made that girl yours,” you challenge him, and you can see the fighting spirit in his eyes, before he laughs.

“But… do you really think we… will work out?” he asks a bit hesitantly.

“Of course you will!” you immediately refute his doubts. “You two are made for each other!”

“O-oh… well if you think so, then I’m glad.” You have a feeling that he still has his doubts even despite your words, but you don’t get a chance to ask about it - at least not for now, as Chaewon and Keeho are coming out of the café right at that moment.

“Sorry it took a while,” your childhood friend shouts, but you shake your head to tell him it’s alright. Then you say your goodbyes for today, until each of you takes their own way home.

Thursday. Everytime you see a calendar somewhere, your eyes immediately find the dreaded day. You don’t know why you have to live like this, but you hate that you feel sick to your stomach even days before the actual event.

It’s Wednesday night when you think you’re about to explode from the amount of anxiety stacked in your body. You managed to finish your research in time - with significant loss of sleep - but now that you have to try to memorize what to say and in what order so it matches the powerpoint, you’re close to panicking again. You’re tired and you feel burnt out, and at the same time it’s like every bone in your body is uncomfortably vibrating at light speed, stuck in a fight-or-flight-response.

It’s when you’re looking up from your notes because you forgot what you were going to say again and have to recollect yourself, that you see your phone screen lighting up in the corner of your eye. For a second you consider ignoring it, but when you have to admit that you’ve reached a point where you can’t focus anymore anyway, you put the paper in your hands aside and pick up your phone. And then you see the name on the display, above the message you just received, and for a second you almost blank out.

“Hwang Puppy has sent a message - Hey! I’m really glad we were able to meet again after so long. How are…” The rest of the message gets cut off in the preview, and you’re mortified when you see under what name you’ve saved his number on your phone. Flashes of a memory pass you by - you can still clearly see the way he pouted in dissatisfaction after you decided to give him that nickname, and it’s like you can still hear how he had asked you to save him as something cool sounding instead. You shake your head and unlock your phone to be able to read the full message. It appears on the display, along with his last message from back then, which you have never responded to.

“Hey! I’m really glad we were able to meet again after so long. How are you doing? Do you have time to talk right now?”

“Like - on the phone?” you whisper, horrified by the idea at first, but the longer you think about it the more you start to crave a conversation with him. Even if it’s just a short exchange of words, you’d be thankful for anything, and you curse your brain’s reward system for still remembering how good it always felt to talk to him, even half a year ago.

It was spring break, just after you had finished your second year at uni and he had graduated from high school, ready to follow you and Keeho and the rest of your mutual friends to college. You all decided to get together for a weekend and to go on a holiday somewhere. You ended up staying in Korea, though you had fantasized about going to the states or Europe or even somewhere completely remote where noone else would find you, but the holiday house you had rented for three days was more than worth it. You had always gotten along just fine with Intak, but this holiday made you realize how now, that he was starting to seem more like an adult and less like a kid to you, your feelings about him have changed. And it scared the shit out of you.

You didn’t know why it was such a big deal to like someone younger than you, but maybe the reason was simply the fact that you’d known him for quite a while already. And after all, you were almost an adult when you got to know him, while he still very much had some baby fat on his cheeks. Developing feelings for him now just felt weird to you.

The holiday was fun nonetheless, until your second night. Everyone had already gone to sleep, while you found yourself lying wide awake in your bed, so eventually you decided to get up and go for a walk. When you stepped outside of your rented home, you felt the cool air of the countryside gently brush against your skin, and though it was still a bit chilly at this time of the year, you immediately felt refreshed. You started walking, with your destination being the nearby village, but soon you found another figure outside that would inevitably make you change your plans.

“Can’t sleep either?” you had asked him, but he just shook his head.

“I wanted to see the stars,” Intak clarified. “Since you can’t see them in Seoul.”

“Oh.” The moment you lifted your head, a vast sea of little sparkles up ahead became visible to you. Taken aback by the view, you didn’t say anything for a while and just let your gaze wander from one star to the other, trying to find the few constellations you knew, until finally, the guy next to you spoke.

You talked about a lot that night - about your futures, your present and your pasts, and not a single topic felt mundane or unimportant. You still haven’t forgotten a thing he said to you that night, and for a while you had wondered if it had been the same for him. Until you realized that maybe you fell in love with him that night, and in a panic you decided to cut all ties and to stop responding to his messages. And now, over half a year later, you realize you can’t run anymore. Your past has caught up with you, and so have your feelings, and they’re about to take you hostage again.

“Sure,” you text back, and it takes mere seconds until he calls you. Unsurprisingly, you stare at the screen for a while before you pick up, but he doesn’t question it. Instead, you can hear hesitation in his voice when he says hi.

“I had to think of you since… we haven’t seen each other in so long. So I thought I wanted to talk to you properly,” he eventually says, and it sounds like both an explanation and an apology. A bit more silently, he adds, “Since it would’ve been weird if I talked to you more than the girl I’m on a blind date with.”

“True,” you say, and you can’t but chuckle. “I’m glad too… that we saw each other again.”

“I was also wondering… what happened. When you stopped responding and we didn’t see each other in over half a year.” You’re not sure how to respond to that, so when you’re silent for a while he eventually reckons, “But now isn’t the time to talk about that, huh? I was just worried. I thought something had happened to you…”

“I’m fine,” you say briefly. “Don’t worry.” Then your gaze finds your notes and the powerpoint on your laptop screen, and you’re reminded of the fact that actually, you aren’t fine at all right now. But you try to push those feelings aside for the time being. “But how are you doing? You seem to really enjoy your major.”

“Yeah, I do,” he says. “I get to do the thing I’ve loved doing since childhood, so I’m more than happy I got accepted.”

“That’s really nice to hear,” you answer and you smile when you feel a gentle warmth spreading in your chest and eventually it grows in order to wrap itself around you wholly. That’s when you realize that you missed him, that you missed talking to him and hearing his voice and just feeling his presence near you.

“And how about you? What’s it like to be in your last semester?” The question hits you like an ice cold slap in the face. “It must be hard for you…”

“It… is,” you admit, and then you can’t stop the words from pouring out of you, because somehow that’s just the effect he has on you. “I have a presentation tomorrow and I felt like I was gonna die so many times because of this already. It’s… really bad. Especially now that I’m in my last semester… I feel like everything I do counts and I can’t fuck up on anything. But I’m so scared of talking in front of people… I don’t even know if the research I did was enough, but then I have to present it in front of the whole class too…”

“Oh…” Even through the phone you can feel how much he empathizes with you, and the silence that follows tells you that he’s thinking hard about your situation. If he was here next to you right now, you’re sure he wouldn’t have hesitated to put his arm around you in a comforting gesture. “How about… I listen to your presentation once? Would that help you?” You’re a bit taken aback by the offer, and considering how late it is, you’re about to turn it down. However, the need to have at least one person approve of your work beforehand forces you to say yes.

“If that’s not too much to ask,” you add after agreeing to his suggestion.

“Don’t worry.” He sounds like he’s smiling as he tells you that. “I have nothing important left to do today.” Then you switch to a video call, and you smile brightly when he excitedly waves his hand at you through the screen. Positioning your phone so he can see you well, you get up and you take a deep breath, before you start to talk.

Against your plans of only going through the full presentation once, you find yourself going over several parts together with Intak, rephrasing a bit here and there to make it more easily understandable and - above all - to make it easier for you to remember when to say what. After adjusting everything that you two deemed necessary and now almost flawlessly reciting the entire presentation once, it’s well past 2am. Seeing the time on your laptop screen and then comparing it to the time displayed on your phone in bewilderment, you have to realize that it really did get this late.

“Oh god,” you exclaim, but merely in a whisper, “When did so much time pass?”

“Oh, you’re right,” you hear Intak’s voice coming from your headphones you had used almost the entire time so you wouldn’t bother the neighbours too much while talking. “We really worked hard, huh?” You’re taken aback when you see his bright but tired smile on your phone screen, before picking it up so he can see you from up close.

“Sorry for keeping you up so long.”

“It’s alright,” he yawns, forgetting to cover his mouth with his hand and instead using it to give you a thumbs up. “I’m glad I could help you out. But you should go get some sleep now - you have an important day ahead.”

“Yeah, I should,” you agree. “But so should you. I’ve made you stay up for long enough.”

“It’s nothing,” he assures, but he soon follows up with another yawn, this time passing it onto you and making you yawn as well.

“I’ll buy you a coffee sometime. Or anything you want,” you quickly say, wanting to send him off to sleep as soon as possible. However, the smile he shoots you through the screen makes your heart stop for a second.

“Thanks. But you don’t have to, really,” he says. “Then… fighting for tomorrow! I’ll hang up now.”

“Yeah… and thank you again!”

“It’s nothing. Sleep well, Y/N!” Then, the call is ended as abruptly as it had started several hours ago. Now that you’re sitting in your quiet room all alone, you’re suddenly very aware of the silence surrounding you. You had been talking almost the entire duration of the call, and time flew by even though you were doing uni work. The urge to smile overcomes you, as a wave of feelings you refuse to try to identify runs through your body, and you can’t help but think that he sure is something. Not only did he selflessly help you optimize your presentation, he also took away a huge part of the anxiety - at least for now. Filled with fresh determination to tackle today head on, you use the temporary calm to quickly wash up and go to bed, getting at least a few hours of sleep until your alarm rings.

As expected, you’re dead tired when you wake up in the morning. A cup of coffee on an empty stomach helps you shake the tiredness at least a bit, and you deliberately skip breakfast, feeling like you might throw up any food you take in before your presentation. Your anxiety is back in full swing, but at least your sleep was good, whilst too short. You pack up your stuff, and when you get on the bus to uni, you feel your phone buzz in the pocket of your pants, reminding you to set it on silent before class.

“Hwang Puppy has sent a message - Good luck today! You got this~”

You cringe at the name on the display, but soon you simply smile because of his words. You quickly thank him with a reply and some friendly emojis, before putting in your headphones and listening to some music in an attempt to distract yourself - knowing full well that there’s no way anything would calm you down right now. Except for maybe your class getting cancelled, your college getting burned down, or a portal suddenly appearing that sends you on a flight through time and space to the very moment after you’ve received your graduation certificate. However, you don’t bet on any of that. And so, you simply accept that you’ll have to go through with it, with sweaty hands, shaky knees and an unsteady voice. But you finish eventually, and you can breathe a little easier when you receive a good reaction and your professor seems pleased with your work as well.

Despite all that, you can’t calm down fully, and so you’re still shaking when you exit the classroom. Originally you were planning on sitting down somewhere with some comfort food, but once you’ve turned the corner to the staircase, you almost bump into Keeho.

“What are you doing here?” you ask, trying to sound as unbothered as possible.

“Well, my classes are over and I was bored, so I thought I’d deliver you the news in person!”

“What news?”

“We’re going to a party!”

“...okay?”

“Next Saturday,” he explains, and with an excited smile he adds, “Intak and his girl are coming too!”

“Oh,” you say. “What kind of party?”

“At Jiung’s house. It’ll be fun!” your best friend says, beaming with excitement.

“Oh, that’s cool. What time?” Jiung is one of Keeho’s friends, but you’ve hung out with the two and also Taeyang, another of Keeho’s friends, a few times. You know that he’s the quiet type until you’ve found a topic to talk about that he’s interested in. Then he talks so much you can barely get him to shut up. You also know that he’s rich, so you’ve always wondered what his family’s house looks like. And to be quite honest, you do get a bit excited at the thought of finally finding out.

It’s Monday when Chaewon excitedly tells you to meet her and Intak together with Keeho after your shared shift is over in the evening. You have a hunch as to what could be the reason for that meeting, but then again there’s a possibility that they simply want to hang out together. You keep telling yourself that, until you realize that something has unmistakably changed about your coworker since you last saw her at the store on Friday. She used to smile a lot even before that, but now there’s something even sweeter about her smile - it’s not just to please the customers anymore. She is sincerely wearing a smile that she can’t suppress and that she can’t hide - in case she wanted to. It feels like she’s more cheerful even while doing the most mundane tasks, and overall she seems like something wonderful has just happened to her.

“You sure are in a good mood today,” you comment while you’re sorting some wares into the shelves next to her, in an attempt to find out if your hunch is correct.

“Am I?” she questions, grinning broadly. “Well, something good happened, so…”

“Oh?”

“Ah!” She throws one hand over her mouth. “I will tell you in the evening. We decided to tell you guys together so… oh!” Realizing that she already said too much, she blushes and raises her eyebrows in shock. “You know what, I’ll just shut up now, hehe.” A bit awkwardly, she picks up the empty box next to her and carries it to the back of the store.

“So they really are…” you mutter, but you don’t dare to finish the sentence.

Time always passes the slowest when you’re eagerly awaiting something, and so it takes an eternity for you to get off work today. When you finally leave together with Chaewon, her hands are shaking so much that she almost drops the keys after locking up, and then she almost drops them again while attempting to put them into her bag.

“Sorry… I’m a bit nervous,” she mutters without looking at you, and suddenly you feel sorry for her.

“It’s okay,” you say. “You guys must have something big to reveal, so… I get it.” She groans silently as you start walking to the bus stop.

“I shouldn’t talk so much…” she mumbles in regret.

“It’s alright,” you answer. “I’ll pretend like I’m not suspecting a thing.” Like that, you take the bus to the stop nearest to the café where you’re set to meet up, and when you arrive you walk inside to claim a table. A few minutes later, the guys show up too, and from the glances Chaewon and Intak are exchanging, you can tell something has changed between them.

“So? What did we all gather here for?” Keeho asks once everyone has ordered and received their drinks, and you wonder if he’s really as clueless as he seems.

“We wanted to tell you something,” Chaewon starts talking. “Since you two are the reason why we met in the first place… we thought we should tell you in person.”

“Don’t tell me-!” Keeho’s mouth is gaping, and as he brings both his hands up to cover it, he starts smiling like an idiot.

“We’re a couple now,” Intak announces, but somehow the spark in Chaewon’s eyes shines much brighter than the one in his.

“Oh,” you answer. “That’s really nice to hear.” Surprisingly, you mean it when you say that. A part of you really is happy for the two of them, especially for your coworker.

“Yeah, we’re really happy!” Chaewon hooks her arm under her boyfriend’s and leans her head onto his shoulder, and even an outsider would be able to see the pink bubble of a new love that she’s currently trapped in. It makes you chuckle a bit.

“But dude,” Keeho says, reaching across the table to slap his friend’s arm playfully. “You seem like you’re not even half as happy as she is!”

“That’s not it,” Intak is quick to refute Keeho’s claim, his furrowed brows suggesting his remark made him angry. “It’s just… all very new to me I suppose?” He averts his gaze and you can see that his ears are beet red. Neither you nor Keeho have ever seen him like that.

“On second thought,” your childhood friend reckons, “you seem so different from usual. You must really have it bad for her, huh?” Upon hearing his words, Chaewon turns into a blushing mess, and you elbow Keeho into his side.

“Stop that!” you scold him. “No need to make them uncomfortable.” To that, Keeho throws his hands in the air.

“Sorry,” he says, sounding very offended. “I was just kidding,” he adds after a moment, now sounding more serious. “You two make a great couple and I wish you all the luck.” They both thank him, and you tell them something similar, all while you just can’t shake the feeling that the younger guy is acting weird for an entirely different reason than what Keeho had assumed.

Once you all start chatting and you decide to stay for a quick dinner, the situation seems to normalize. You’re making mostly smalltalk, and at some point Chaewon and Keeho start engagedly talking about a series you and Intak have never even heard of. So you two simply listen and nod, and at some point your eyes meet and you both have to grin over how much the other two have to say about this series.

“It was fun!” Keeho says when eventually you’re all standing in front of the café, saying your goodbyes.

“Yes. And thank you guys again for setting us up,” Chaewon says. She seems a lot more relaxed now, and you notice the way she’s casually holding her boyfriend’s hand.

“No problem,” you say. “Anything to help out a friend.”

The two of them walk away first, and when Keeho eventually asks whether you two are going home together or not, you hope he didn’t see you staring at their backs.

“Sure, yeah,” you answer, and you get moving.

“Everything okay with you?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know,” Keeho says. “Maybe because the guy you used to like is dating your coworker now?”

“Pff,” you snort. “Used to. That’s the point. Also, how many times should I tell you that it was nothing serious. Just a little moment of confusion.”

“Hmmm?” Keeho musters you for a while, but he doesn’t say anything more than that. Instead, you talk about something else - to be exact, he’s doing most of the talking and you just listen - while walking most of the way home together.

It’s Wednesday when your manager texts you in the morning to ask you to put in an extra shift. Another employee called in sick, saying they spent all night at the hospital, so he’s desperately searching for someone to fill in for them. Your first reaction to the message is to groan. Your morning class got cancelled today, so you’re technically free, but you were looking forward to just lazing around until the afternoon. However, when barely ten minutes later you get a call from him begging you to come work today, you eventually give in with a sigh.

“Oh. You’re here as well?” You’re surprised when you arrive at work and you meet Chaewon there.

“I always work all day Wednesdays,” she clears up, and you remember her telling you about that when she only just started working at the shop.

“Right, I forgot,” you say. “Then… let’s do well together today too.”

“Yep!” Still unusually cheerful, she goes on ahead to watch over the store, while you put on your apron and brush a few strands of hair out of your face in front of the small mirror you had hung inside your locker a while back. The morning is pretty busy, but rather uneventful except for a customer giving you a medium anxiety attack over demanding an item that you stopped selling last month. Thankfully he finally left you alone after Chaewon as well explained to him that you don’t sell it anymore, but she recommended something similar to him instead, while you could sneak to the staff room for a minute to try to calm yourself down. However, you’re used to such incidents happening, so something like this doesn’t make the day anything more than normal to you.

Come noon, you suggest to get lunch together with Chaewon, while another staff member watches the register for you. You quickly run to the nearby convenience store and you each get yourselves a quick meal, before sitting down in the staff room to eat.

“You know,” your coworker starts talking. “I’m really so glad that you guys introduced me to Intak. He’s so nice to me… and my parents like him too.”

“He already met your parents?” you repeat, sounding maybe a bit too shocked about the fact.

“It was coincidental,” she explains. “I was supposed to meet them on the weekend, but we were on a date before that and he dropped me off at the meeting place. And I didn’t know that they were already there, so they kinda ended up finding out earlier than they were supposed to.”

“Ohh, I see,” you say.

“Yeah… but to be honest I don’t think I could’ve kept it from them for much longer anyway,” she admits while smiling from ear to ear. “I’m just so happy, Y/N.”

“That’s really nice to hear,” you say, smiling softly at her, while doing your best to suppress the bitter feelings her words are causing to arise in your chest. I’m not hurt, you scold yourself, I’m happy for them.

“I’m happy for them,” you repeat once again, after your shift is over and you leave work to head right to your afternoon class. “I’m happy for them.”

You’re at your old high school, but somehow it looks different. Plain. This is a dream after all, but as soon as you start moving, you forget about that fact. You end up going to a classroom, as if you knew who was waiting there for you - the only other person in the otherwise empty school building. Even though it was bright day just a second ago, the setting sun now dyes the room into vivid shades of red and orange as soon as you enter.

“Y/N,” he calls out to you. He’s not in his uniform, and in general he looks too grown up to be at a place like school. His face is a bit of a blur, but you still know that it’s Intak standing in front of you. “I have to tell you something. Thanks for coming to meet me here.”

“What is it?” you can faintly hear yourself speak.

“I’m in love with you,” he says, as if it was the most natural thing ever, and you suddenly stand very close in front of him. And now your sleeping brain manages to show all his facial features, maybe they’re a bit too realistic, but you can undoubtedly see the warmth in his dark brown eyes.

“I love you too,” you hear your voice answer, as if it came from behind you. And the next second your vision goes black, and you feel a tingly sensation on your lips. You’re kissing him, or maybe he’s kissing you, it doesn’t matter at that moment. When you open your eyes and he comes back into vision, he’s already holding you firmly in his embrace, and when he leans in again, you let him connect his lips to yours again. You’re trapped in that realm for another while, or maybe you’re blessed to be here, your mind mimicking perfectly what it might feel like to share what’s probably a hundred kisses with him in your old classroom. And then, suddenly, the disrupting noise of your alarm clock tears you out of that happy little space at once.

When you wake up, the memories of the dream still lingering vividly in your mind, you just lie there without moving, letting the feelings course through you. For a short while you think that maybe if you never move again, you will stop existing as well, and if you don’t exist then it’s technically okay to enjoy these thoughts about being with someone else’s boyfriend, right? But you’re still breathing, after all, and with every breath you take in and let out again, you become more and more aware of the fact that you very much still do exist. And so, shame eventually washes over you, ridding you of most of the giddy feelings the dream left you with, and in hopes of freeing your mind you force yourself to get up and to start your morning routine.

The afterimages, as well as the sweet but unwanted feeling rooted deep in your chest don’t leave you so easily though. You get through your classes somehow, but when you arrive at work, you can’t properly look Chaewon in the eyes during your entire shift.

“What’s up with you?” she asks the dreaded question you knew had to come at some point. “Did something happen?”

“I just slept bad,” you reply, curt and as confident as you can. “Stayed up all night again, silly me,” you add and you fake a short laugh. Hoping that your reaction wasn’t too over the top to be believable, you await her answer in suspense.

“I see… you should rest a bit, then. I’ll take over for you, if you want!” she says, about to head back out to the storefront in order to work extra hard. It makes you feel even worse.

“No, no, you don’t have to,” you insist. “I don’t want to trouble you.”

“It’s alright, Y/N,” she says. “You helped me big time too, after all!” Her smile beams, and it gives you the final blow. Her happiness mixing with the memories of your dream and the guilt you feel over your mind making up such a story about the boyfriend of your friend is making you feel sick to the stomach.

“I’ll… take a little break after all,” you eventually decide, turning around to grab your purse from your locker. “I’ll buy something to eat from the convenience store. Maybe that helps… do you want anything too?”

“I’m fine, but thanks!” Chaewon says, and as she sees you off, she suddenly changes her mind and she shouts at you, “Actually, get me one of those sandwiches I always buy, please! I’ll give you the money when you’re back!”

It’s finally Saturday and you arrive at Jiung’s house. You catch Keeho grinning as he watches the way you meticulously adjust your clothes. You had picked out a cute outfit for tonight - something you wouldn’t normally wear, and you put a bit more effort into your makeup too. You figured if you’re already going to a party for the first time in a while, you could use the occasion as a reason to dress up a bit.

“You look good,” Keeho eventually compliments you, raising his eyebrow in amusement. “No need to worry so much.” You sigh.

“I guess, yeah,” you answer. “It just feels weird to wear something pretty.” Now he laughs.

“Are you trying to impress someone?”

“Should I?”

“I dunno… was just wondering if you dressed up for yourself or for someone else.”

“Yeah… I wonder too…” you mutter under your breath when the front door opens and Jiung welcomes you, accompanied by some music resounding from the living room. The guy smiles, but in his eyes you find exhaustion.

“So,” you say, after you and Keeho have entered and grabbed yourself a drink each, “I thought Jiung’s not the type for parties?” Your childhood friend glances at you past the plastic cup in his hand and you can see his entire expression slowly turning into the dirtiest grin you’ve ever seen him pull. “Don’t tell me this is all your doing…” you add, and Keeho throws his arm around you unprompted, patting you on the shoulder a few times.

“Ahhh, you know me so well,” he praises you.

“Why are you forcing the biggest introvert I know into having so many people at his house…?” you question, illustratively pointing your chin at the crowd in the room.

“Well… my flat share is too small for a party like this…”

“You’re horrible,” you comment dryly, before someone approaching you catches your eye.

“Y/N!” Chaewon calls out to you before she and her boyfriend join the two of you. You’re taken aback by how pretty she made herself look - from the clothes that fit both her figure and her personality perfectly, to her hair that was skillfully done - and you feel a bit stupid over your own amateurish efforts to look cute. And then there’s Intak who’s standing closely next to her, and the way the two are smiling not just out of happiness but as if they were actually in love, and you take a bullet right to the heart.

“Hey,” you greet them briefly, and after throwing Intak a single glance, you decide to avoid him for the rest of the evening and to drown yourself in alcohol instead.

“Heyyy!” Keeho says hi too, dragging the greeting out a bit. “You two look like a real couple!” You see Chaewon blushing and attempting to hide behind her boyfriend, then your gaze wanders to the crowd, looking at nobody in particular. Above all, you just feel awkward now.

“W-well,” your coworker stutters, “do we?” You hear Intak laugh and when you risk another glance at the two of them you find his arm resting around his girlfriend’s shoulders. You quickly chug the rest of your drink, and when the other three look at you with a hint of shock on their faces, you lift your cup and excuse yourself. You don’t wait for anyone’s response and immediately rush for a refill.

Jiung had even set up an improvised bar in the open kitchen and organized a professional bartender. As you’re waiting for your drink, you wonder just how rich this guy’s family really is. Equipped with your new drink, you head out into the backyard, deciding that some fresh air would do you good. It’s not quite chilly yet, but it’s a sunny autumn evening and the cool breeze feels refreshing. There’s people out here dancing and mingling with each other as well, so you stay away from any crowds and just walk around until you find yourself a somewhat silent spot. By the wooden fence, there’s a small bench that surprisingly isn’t occupied, so you sit down there and look up at the sky. For a brief second, you wonder if there would be a chance to see any stars from up here, since Jiung’s house is located in a less densely inhabited suburb, but you figure that you’re probably still too close to the city to really see any. You sigh, and your thoughts inevitably wander back to Chaewon and Intak.

“They’re together now, huh…?” you mutter. “I mean… that was the plan from the start. So it’s all good.” You feel resistance in your heart as you speak those words, but you repeat them in your head anyway, trying to convince yourself that this is for the best. And in the end it is - there’s no way you’d ever be a good match for him. You’re almost done with your major, while he only just started, and who knows where you might end up going after graduating? You are planning to do the master’s course as well, but you have yet to decide whether to do that in Korea or abroad. There’s also the option of simply taking a gap year and traveling and maybe working for a bit, because once you find yourself a proper job there’s no way you can have that much freedom ever again. Plus, you’ve seen how happy Chaewon is. It’s noticeable not even just when she’s with Intak, but at work too she seems more cheerful now and just… very happily in love. You nod to yourself.

“That’s how it’s supposed to be,” you mumble. “They’re happy, so it would be just selfish of me to hold onto whatever I’m feeling.” Trying to come to terms with that, you flinch when you hear Keeho’s voice behind you.

“There you are!”

“God, you startled me!” you yell.

“Aww, you can call me Keeho but thanks!” He grins from ear to ear while you roll your eyes and get up. “I thought you were just going to get a new drink. Why didn’t you say that you were going out?”

“I guess… I just needed some air,” you explain without looking him in the eyes. Keeho leans down and to the side a bit, so that his face would appear in your vision.

“Y/N, are you okay?”

“Sure.” Your friend stands up straight and scans your expression and body language for a while. “Stop that,” you eventually hiss.

“There’s something on your mind,” he states, matter-of-factly, because he does know you very well after all.

“Ugh. Can we just go back in?” Keeho lets a bit of time pass again, then he answers.

“Sure. If you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine.” With that, he turns around and already starts walking, while you’re not sure if you should be mad at him for brushing it off so quickly or if you should be thankful. After all, this kind of behaviour is the reason why he doesn’t know about your anxiety, even after being friends with you for so long. But then again, in this particular case you’re glad he didn’t ask. No way in hell are you up for talking about feelings that shouldn’t be there in the first place. Taking a few sips of your drink for courage, you follow him eventually.

“Where are the other two?” you carefully ask after looking around inside cautiously.

“Dunno,” your friend responds. “I must’ve lost them when I went looking for you. I thought they’d still be here when I come back.” Thank fuck they’re not… you think.

“Let’s go do something then,” you propose, hooking your arm under Keeho’s. “We don’t need them to have fun!” He lets out a surprised “okay”, but follows you anyway. You find a few people playing party games, and since the two lovebirds are nowhere in sight, you decide to join in. Time passes as you manage to have some fun, to the point you even forget about who you’re running away from for a while. You catch yourself thinking that maybe this party isn’t so bad after all, and when the group splits up for everyone to move elsewhere, you feel significantly more relaxed than before, as well as a bit tipsy.

“So, what are we gonna do next?” you ask, directed at Keeho.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but…” he shows you his empty cup, “I need a refill.”

“Yeah, me too,” you say. “Let’s head to the kitchen then.”

“Sure thi-.” Just when your friend is about to agree with you, somebody catches his eyes and you prepare yourself for the worst. However, it’s only a very drunk Jiung walking towards the general direction of you two. “I need to go annoy him,” Keeho states. “You go ahead without me!” he tells you over his shoulder, and in the next second he’s gone.

“Great…” you sigh, and while you hope he won’t take too long, you do as he said and go to the kitchen by yourself. You order another drink and take a seat at the bar, and when Keeho just doesn’t seem to return, you decide to just drink by yourself.

It’s almost 10pm and the sun has long set when you finally give up. Your childhood friend is nowhere to be seen, and either he must’ve passed out somewhere because he had a bit more to drink than you thought, or Jiung finally murdered him. Either way, you’re starting to feel hella awkward all alone in the bar area with only pairs and groups of people around you, so you get a move on. You leave your cup at the bar and then your feet carry you up to the second floor. As you’re wondering if you’re even allowed to be here, you hear voices and music from some of the rooms around you, so you figure it’s okay. You mindlessly wander the hallway and find something that looks like a second but smaller living room. There’s a comfy looking couch and two big bookshelves as well as some plants, but most importantly there is not a single soul up here. You sigh in relief and as you’re about to take a seat on the light brown sofa, you notice the door leading to a balcony. Upon closer inspection you realize that someone left it slightly ajar. Curiousity leads you to take a step outside to check if somebody’s out there, and when you find a male sitting on the floor, lost in thought while looking up at the clouded sky with a somewhat serious expression, you realize your mistake. You try to withdraw, but that’s when he turns his head and you find him looking at you. You freeze up, feeling caught red-handed even though you haven’t done anything wrong, and you see yourself forced to stay as he starts talking.

“What are you doing up here?”

“That’s what I’d like to ask you.” You take a step forward and direct your gaze at Intak. He smiles a bit awkwardly, then he averts his eyes.

“I kinda lost everyone,” he says, and for a second you think that he sounds a lot sadder than reasonable. “Chaewon ran off with some of her friends and then I felt like coming up here, so… that’s where I am.”

“Yeah, same here. You guys were suddenly gone and then Keeho disappeared too. So I decided to go explore a bit.”

“And you found me,” the guy on the floor utters, laughing softly. “Congratulations?” You giggle too. Feeling the need to stay and talk to him for a bit longer, you sit down next to him and look up at the sky as well.

“You really think this is going to work out?” he suddenly asks, and you have to think for a moment to understand what he’s talking about.

“Ahh, you and Chaewon?” you ask.

“Yeah.”

“I think you look good together,” you say, and you mean it.

“Is that all that matters, though…?” He wonders out loud, and you’re caught off guard by his question. Even though you should already know that he’s not one to be satisfied with superficialities. “I don’t know… something just… feels off?”

“Off?”

“Like… can I really fall in love with someone like her?”

“Excuse me!” you immediately cut him off. “You two have known each other for, what? Not even a month! Love takes time to grow.”

“But… she’s already…”

“Well, Chaewon is quick to get a crush on someone,” you explain. “And, I mean, look at you!” Intak raises his eyebrows, and you continue, “You’re handsome, and tall. And you’re very nice and you make sure she’s as happy as she can be. Of course she’d fall for you!” Now he laughs, half in embarrassment and half because he knows what you’re saying is true.

“I mean, that’s nice and all… But what if… I make her fall in love and then I can never return those feelings?” he voices his concern, but you’re quick to disagree.

“Don’t worry so much,” you say. “Just try to enjoy it for now, hm? She’s a very cute and friendly girl, so you’ll fall for her in no time.”

“Hm. I guess so.” He goes back to looking up at the sky, and you can tell that he’s still worried.

“Hey,” you call out to him and without thinking you put your hand over his, resting on the wooden floor beneath you. “You’ll be fine. First loves aren’t easy, so don’t think about it so much, okay?” He turns to look at you, and the expression in his eyes has changed. You expect him to answer, to nod, to tell you he’ll try his best, but sometimes a shared look is all it takes to know. To realize what the other person is feeling, maybe you can even read the other’s thoughts a bit. Time does not allow for you to filter every single emotion reflecting in his eyes at that moment, because before you know it, his face is very close in front of yours and his eyelids fall shut and so do yours. However, what you know for sure, even prior to submitting yourself to the feeling in your chest that’s pulling you towards him in order to connect your lips to his in a kiss, is that your feelings are anything but one-sided.

You can tell he hasn’t had the chance to do this a whole lot so far, because his reaction to your kiss is hesitant, and his movements are a little clumsy. You lift your hand and bring it up to cup his face in your palm, trying to slow him down in a way, and it takes nothing more than this small gesture for him to relax and to let himself fall into your rhythm. You pull back for but a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes with the unspoken plea for more. And so you lean in again, you kiss him again, and you let him kiss you back, lips melting together like they’re never meant to separate again. You feel his hand move away from underneath yours, but only for a moment until he intertwines his fingers with yours. The music being played inside the house becomes nothing but background noise - you create your own melody, weaving all the feelings, part of which you didn’t even realize you had kept hidden away for so long, into little actions, like the way your fingertips are dancing from his cheek to the back of his head, and how you bury them in between the strands of his hair in order to pull him closer, or the way you run the tip of your tongue along his bottom lip to ask for permission to deepen the kiss further.

Your head is freed from all thoughts when you separate for the second time. No words are needed between the two of you. Instead of the alcohol from earlier coursing through your veins, it is now the buzzing of butterflies that have all been awoken at once that fills you up with warmth and a tingly feeling.

“That was my first kiss,” you catch him mumbling as a broad but shy grin appears on his face. Your heart flutters - whether it’s at the sight or at his words you’re not sure.

“I figured,” you respond with a kind smile. Then you lean back to lie down on the floor, looking up into the dark sky, clouded in the milky shimmer of the city lights.

“No stars, huh…?” you comment as he lies down next to you. “It’s too bad you can’t see them from here.” You have to think back to the weekend trip half a year ago, and the promise you made with him back then, about wanting to see the stars together again one day. Meanwhile he remains silent, and when you spare him a glance you find him focused on the sky above him. “We should go back inside,” you mumble.

“Yeah,” he agrees, and neither of you moves. You merely turn your head to face the starless sky again, and you stay like this for a while, both staring into nothing, your hearts filled with emotions that still linger from the kisses you shared, as well as the knowledge that something much bigger than a mere kiss has just been put into motion.

Neither of you talks about the kiss after that night. You both pretend like nothing has happened. You continue to go to work and to give Chaewon little tips on how to make her boyfriend happy, and Intak does his best to make her happy as well. Surprisingly, it’s a lot easier for you now to keep a poker face around her, than after that dream you had about him. But maybe the cause for that is the gravely differing level in seriousness of the two incidents. And maybe also that you’re denying that the real kiss ever happened with all your might.

Even when Keeho suggests going to see a movie together with them on his birthday, you somehow manage to act as if nothing had happened. And surprisingly enough, Intak too tries his best to be the perfect boyfriend for Chaewon. You catch yourself wondering if it’s all just an act, but knowing the guy he probably just feels really guilty over what happened at Jiung’s party, and so he is putting in even more of an effort to secretly make it up to her. It’s like the two of them are attached at the hip and he’s acting the tough guy by always having his arm around her in a way that seems protective and caring, and also a bit like he’s trying to tell her “I’m all yours.” During the movie he always listens to whatever she has to say about the plot or the characters or who knows what, whispering all her comments into his ear, so you couldn’t possibly have heard her. You’re a bit surprised by that, since you know Intak usually doesn’t appreciate it when people constantly talk over a movie he’s trying to watch and get immersed in, so you wonder just how far he can go to please the girl he’s trying to impress.

After the movie is over and all of you have exited the theater, you stretch thoroughly to wake up your limbs a bit from not having moved much for two hours. You all decide to stay in the area and find a quiet bar to get a drink or two in celebration, and even with a bit of alcohol in your veins, neither you nor Intak are breaking your facade.

“I had a lot of fun with you guys today,” Keeho announces somewhere between his second and third shot of soju, and the rest of you chime in, agreeing with him.

“We had fun too,” Chaewon says, still sitting so close to the other guy that it’d be clear to anyone that the two are dating. Her cheeks have reddened, and you wonder if it’s because of the alcohol, Intak’s proximity to her, or both.

“It was certainly better than that one time-” you start talking, trying to tease Keeho, but he rolls his eyes and cuts you off.

“Please! Don’t make me remember any embarrassing memories now,” he pleads, and you shrug, laughing.

“Fiiiine,” you give in, being playfully dramatic about it. Then you make everyone take another round of shots. As you bring the glass up to your lips you happen to take a glance at the younger of the two guys, and suddenly, without anyone else noticing, you can see a somewhat tired expression on his face.

“Ahhh, I’m no good at this,” Chaewon says as she sets her glass down on the wooden table with a dull clank. “I’ll never get used to drinking… how am I going to survive in this society?”

“Don’t worry, you’ll learn how to drink well eventually,” Keeho tries to reassure her, while your gaze is still fixated on Intak, who finally notices you staring at him. And the second you lock eyes with him you can see the mask he’d been wearing all day melting off of him, revealing a face reminiscent of a very sad puppy. You look away quickly, and instead you focus on Chaewon.

“It’s fine. I’m actually not good at drinking either, but you learn to deal with it,” you say. You force yourself to smile and it puts a surprisingly huge strain on you. “Plus, we can just go out to drink a lot from now on, so you can practice and train your tolerance.”

“I wish…” she says, and then she makes a disappointed face as she rests her chin in the palm of her hand. “If my parents knew I’m out drinking with friends, they’d kill me. I hope they don’t ask what I’ve been doing out for so long, because I don’t think I can lie to them…”

“Well, I know someone who can teach you how to lie!” Keeho exclaims and softly elbows you in the side. You break out in a cold sweat, and you stare at him in horror. Does he know…? “Right, Y/N?” he says, expecting an answer from you.

“D-do you?”

“Don’t you remember?” he laughs, and somehow he’s the only amused one here.

“Remember what…?”

“Oh come on! That time in elementary school!”

“Huh?” You relax, and your brain starts digging your memories until you find a faint mental image.

“When we broke one of your mom’s vases while running around the house and you straight up told her it was the cat?”

“Right… Why would you bring that up now?!” you scold him, but really you would’ve wanted to sigh in relief. For a second there you were really scared that he might know about your secret.

“I just remembered it,” he says, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Don’t paint her as a liar!” you hear Chaewon say. “I’m sure she’d only tell a white lie when it’s really necessary.” And then, looking you deep in the eyes, she adds, “Right, Y/N?” You try to cover your nervousness with laughter.

“Of course… who do you think I am?” You throw another glance at Intak to see his reaction to the whole situation, but all you find is him sitting there, fully focused on playing with the glass in his hand.

“Umm… are you okay, dude?” Keeho asks, who seems to have noticed him as well, and with a bit of a delay he looks up to nod his head.

“What’s up with you, baby?” his girlfriend questions while caringly putting her hand onto his arm, and the nickname feels like a stab right to your gut.

“I’m fine…” he mumbles, and thankfully, Keeho immediately jumps in.

“Don’t tell me you already had too much to drink?” Grasping the opportunity without a second thought, Intak nods.

“Yeah, I think so.” His hand finds its way to his neck and he rubs the back of it while looking away from the rest of you.

“I think we should get him home, then,” Chaewon says, sounding seriously worried, and Keeho chuckles.

“We should, but he’s just a bit drunk, Chaewon. He’s not dying,” he points out, and the girl blushes.

“Right… I worry too much, huh?” she mutters, and you feel the need to reassure her.

“I would too,” you say, adding, “I think.” And well, now Intak is looking at you, a bit reproachfully at that. As if he wanted to say “But you don’t seem worried.” You brush that thought aside though, telling yourself not to read so much into every little thing he does, and then you all get up, ready to split up and head home for the night.

“Something’s up with him.” You’re hanging out at Keeho’s place for the first time in a while. Outside, the leaves are starting to fall off the trees, and you wish you could say they’re dyeing the city in pretty autumn colors, but really it’s been raining for days straight, and so it’s grey more than anything outside.

“Hm? Who?” you ask, looking up from your phone, your body sunken deeply into your friend’s dark blue bean bag.

“Intak,” Keeho says. “He seems like something’s bothering him. Like a lot. But he refuses to talk about it… which is very unlike him.”

“That’s true,” you agree. “So you’re worried?”

“A bit, yeah,” he answers. “I mean, maybe he talks to Chaewon about it, then it’s fine but…”

“But it’s still odd that he’s not telling you?”

“Yeah. We usually always talk about everything. I’m often the first person he comes to when he has some kind of problem.” Keeho lets out a sigh. “But I guess that changed now, that he has a girlfriend, huh?”

“I guess so,” you answer briefly, and then your childhood friend curls up into a ball on his spinning chair, acting as if he was about to cry.

“I’m not his number one anymoooore…” he whines, and you chuckle at his exaggeration.

“She’ll make sure he’s okay,” you try to reassure him, while failing to believe in your own words. Keeho is right. You have chatted with Intak sporadically for the past few days, and even his messages read differently from usual now. You’ve also kept telling yourself not to read too much into the whole thing, but at the same time you can’t shake the feeling that it has something to do with the kiss you shared. He really feels that guilty about it, huh… you think to yourself.

“Or,” Keeho starts talking again, after going back to normal, “do you know something?”

“Me?”

“I know you guys sometimes talk, so… since you seemed to be able to talk about a lot of things even back then, I thought maybe he told you something?” You huff.

“I know nothing.” Keeho’s eyes narrow as he scans you from top to bottom, and with his chin held higher than usual, he says,

“I somehow can’t believe that.”

“Keeho…” you sigh, “I’m telling you, he didn’t say anything to me.” You’re undoubtedly telling the truth this time, so you naturally sound more firm about your answer.

“But something happened, right? You know that something happened.”

“Well, yeah. Anyone can tell that something’s going on,” you reply. “He’s never had a girlfriend, so obviously he’d be worried if he’s doing this whole dating thing right.”

“You think he just lacks some confidence?”

“Probably? Don’t ask me.”

“Hmmm…” Keeho puts his index finger and thumb up to his chin and goes into thinker mode. “There’s gotta be some way to help him, then,” he says, and you shake your head.

“I’m not sure if you should meddle with this,” you comment. “He didn’t even ask you for help yet, did he?”

“Well, that’s true…”

“Don’t worry too much about it,” you say, hoping to be able to conclude the topic with that. “I’m sure the two of them will figure something out.” Your best friend is silent for a while, until eventually he seems to have made a decision for himself.

“Right. These two are perfect for each other after all. They’ll be fine.” His words feel like a punch to your gut, but you’ve already put on a poker face, and wordlessly you go back to scrolling through your phone.

It’s mid October and the temperatures are slowly starting to fall. For now you’re still enjoying the way you can wear rather light clothes for going outside, before the ruthless winter will force you and the rest of the country into your monotonous long and padded jackets. You’re on the way back home from your evening class, when you find a familiar face on campus. Or more like - he finds you, because before you can give in to your urge to hide, he’s already standing right next to you.

“Y/N!” Intak’s face lights up as he greets you. “Are you done with your classes for the day?”

“Yeah,” you answer, and without being able to fight it, a certain feeling of coziness washes over you and you smile warmly. “And you? What are you still doing here? Or more like - what are you doing near my department?”

“Ah… we had an extra class today. And there was no room available in the performing arts building, so we moved here,” he explains. “But we’re all done now.”

“So… you’re also on the way home?” you guess, and you two slowly start walking towards the bus stops.

“Yeah,” he confirms.

“That’s nice, then.”

“Actually,” he speaks up after a moment of hesitation. “Since we already ran into each other here… do you maybe wanna grab some dinner together?” You were afraid of a question like this, and when you look at him, who’s somewhat shyly scratching the back of his neck, you feel like he just asked you out on a date.

“What are you saying! Should you really be asking another girl out for dinner?” you try to laugh it off, but he defends himself.

“I can get dinner with a friend even when I have a girlfriend, can’t I?”

“I mean-” You don’t have any argument against that, so you end up agreeing.

“If you want to, that is,” he adds.

“Let’s go, yeah. I still have to pay you back for the presentation after all,” you say.

“Right, I already forgot about that.” He lets out a short laugh, before asking, “So where are we going?”

In the end you both agree that your days have been taxing enough, and just chilling out at home would be the best for you two. So you settle on Chinese takeout and then take the 5-minute walk from the restaurant to your flat.

“So, this is your room, huh?” Intak mumbles as he looks around.

“It’s not much, I know,” you say.

“No, no, it’s pretty nice. I mean - you even have your own kitchen. I don’t even have a room to myself.”

“I have no idea how you can live with another person sleeping in the same room next to you,” you chuckle as you put the food onto a blanket on the ground. “I hope this setup is okay. I may have a kitchen but the room didn’t come with a table to properly eat at.”

“It’s fine. It feels like a picnic that way, that makes it more fun,” he assures and grins brightly. You quickly take the trays and disposable chopsticks out of the plastic bags you got the food in and set everything up. You’re both starving, so you eat in silence for the first few minutes, before you start a conversation. You talk about your courses, listening intently to each other explaining what kind of classes you both take and what they’re about, before the topic of conversation switches to a band you both got into recently - coincidentally at almost the same time - and eventually you talk about an anime you both used to love when you were kids, but still sometimes watch when you need a special kind of comfort. Without really noticing, you fall a little bit more in love with his smile and the way he gives you in-depth explanations about his opinions and feelings on the conversation topics, and at the same time you find yourself smiling brightly right back at him.

And again, you get this feeling that maybe if you never leave this room again, if only you could stay in here with him forever, then maybe it’d be okay to just let yourself feel.

You put away the leftovers after you’re both full and find yourselves agreeing that maybe you both ate a bit too much.

“Y/N, listen to this,” Intak suddenly calls out to you when you’re sitting back down on the floor. He plays a song on his phone that you don’t know, and from the way his eyes are excitedly sparkling you can tell he’s been wanting to play it for you for a while now.

“It’s good,” you say, finding yourself nodding your head along to the beat.

“A friend showed me this artist, and I thought you’d like her as well,” he comments, speaking fast so as not to talk over the song too much. Again, you nod, and only when the song ends do you talk.

“That sounds really nice. Who is it?” you ask, and the guy sitting in front of you turns his phone to show you the name displayed on the screen.

“Ohhh, I’ve heard of her, I think!” you exclaim, and immediately get your phone to note down her name. “I gotta go through her music when I have time.”

“There’s this really popular song of hers… I kinda tried making a choreography for that. Wanna see?” Intak is looking for something on his phone, and when he’s about to show you a video of him in a practice room, you protest.

“Hey! If you’re already here in person, you don’t need to show me on video, do you?” He’s a bit flustered, stammering about how he’s not sure if he remembers all the steps, but eventually he gives in and gets up. He quickly does a few simple stretching exercises, claiming he can’t afford to get himself hurt, and then you press play on said song for him.

His movements are smooth, and you’re astonished by the control he has over his body. But most of all you’re taken aback by the way he manages to express the emotions he wants to get across so clearly, working both with facial expressions and controlling the energy he puts behind his steps. Only when he’s done with his little performance do you realize you’ve probably been gaping at him all the way through, and you give him an applause as he wipes a drop of sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand. Then he returns to sit next to you. As he bumps his arm into yours, resting his head on your shoulder, you feel your heart starting to beat faster.

“Now I’m tired,” he huffs, showing no intent of moving away from you. You wonder if you should say something, or if you should shake him off, but your thoughts get interrupted when he speaks up. “Y/N…” he calls out to you. “I think… I wanna talk to you about something.”

“What is that?” you answer, and the sudden serious mood makes you feel nervous. Finally he lifts his head off your shoulder, but only for his face to stay way too close to yours as he peeks at you with puppy eyes. You’re getting flustered now, and there’s no way he wouldn’t notice that.

“I… how should I say this?” he looks down to the floor for a second that allows you to catch your breath, but then he’s right back at looking intently into your eyes. You’re not used to him being at a loss for words, and the way you have no clue what to say either doesn’t make it any easier. And then, he does speak after all, and you certainly didn’t see what he has to say coming. “Can I kiss you?”

“You have a girlfriend.” - Is what you should’ve probably said. Told him no, pushed him away, talked some sense into him. Instead, you nod ever so slightly, and before he can react you’re already pressing your lips against his. Memories of your kiss at the party come back to you, but your head goes blank when you feel him kissing you back. This time as well he lets you lead the kiss, but when you part for a second, he immediately closes the distance again. Feeling the way he moves his lips against yours with so much need and impatience, your hands fly to the back of his neck, and deep inside you wish you never had to break apart again. But you do, and after a shared look you wordlessly agree that this was nowhere near enough.

You end up lying on the floor eventually, with him hovering right above you, your fingertips roaming his back and combing through his short hair as you share deep kisses. You bury your fingernails in the fabric of his shirt right above his shoulder blades, afraid he would slip away if you didn’t hold onto him tightly enough, while you feel a heat burning you up from inside, like a storm of fire. And then eventually, his lips leave yours in order to plant a trail of kisses along your jaw, and when you can feel his warm breath near your ear, you can hear him whisper,

“I think I love you.”

“Please don’t.” You respond without thinking, and though your words are rejecting him, the way you have your arms wrapped around him tightly, clinging onto his shoulders, says something entirely different. He comes back up with a stunned expression on his face, as if he was wondering if he just heard correctly and you repeat yourself. “Please don’t love me.”

November is fast approaching, and with it the temperatures keep falling. It’s cold, and to be quite honest you’re starting to freeze your ass off whenever you have to go out early for a class or for work. At the same time you’re preparing for midterms, and with all the thoughts in your head that simply won’t stop bothering you, it’s not going well. Keeho has asked you on multiple occasions if something’s wrong, and everytime he mentions that now both you and Intak are acting weird, you’re afraid that he knows. Maybe not about any details, but about the fact that your bad moods are connected and that the both of you got yourselves into this mess together.

And yet you’ve been ignoring the younger guy ever since his visit to your apartment, but it doesn’t make you feel any better. You have gotten all the notifications about his messages, begging you to at least come talk to him, and with every day that passes, with every night that crawls by slowly because you find yourself lying awake in bed more often than not, you’re one step closer to just saying yes and getting it over with.

And so here you are. You have convinced him to have the talk at a café, because being in public might keep him from crying, and it will certainly keep you from kissing him again. You’re waiting outside, cold fingers clenched around your phone, and while you stare at the screen in hopes of calming your anxiety about the conversation a bit, you almost fail to take note of his arrival. You know you’re fucked when a single look at his face has the effect on you that you had hoped focusing on the black screen of your phone would have, and you feel the weight of your worries being lifted off your shoulders, even if just a bit.

“Hi…” he greets you, rather awkwardly.

“Let’s go in,” you say, quickly and briefly, because the sooner this is over, the better.

“I’m going to break up with her.” Intak doesn’t beat around the bush, and though you could technically guess the reason, you still feel the need to ask about the why. “Because I’m not in love with her,” he says. “I’d rather be with you.” For now, you decide to overhear that last part.

“But why? She’s cute, she’s pretty, she’s good to you. She’s literally head over heels in love with you!”

“I still haven’t properly kissed her even once…” he admits, talking silently. “I just… can’t imagine doing that with her.” You’re dumbfounded. They have been dating for over a month, and they haven’t even had their first kiss yet? You can’t believe Chaewon still hasn’t noticed that something’s horribly off about this whole thing.

“I-” you attempt to say something, but you fail to find the right words. “I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“It’s because I’m in love with you,” he emphasizes once again.

“Stop saying that,” you mutter. “You’re supposed to make her happy, not look at someone like me.”

“What’s so wrong about liking you?” he raises his voice a bit, and you can tell he’s mad at you for talking like this about yourself. At that moment, you just want to shout at him, you want to scream at him to stop being so stupid and that nothing good will come out of letting himself fall in love with you. But you remind yourself that you’re in public, and so you stay as calm and composed as you can.

“You know what. I’m too old for you-”

“You think two years bother me?”

“Maybe it bothers me. Maybe I don’t want someone who barely knows anything about the real world to have to deal with a wreck like me.” Your entire body is shaking at this point, from the amount of emotions rushing through you and the amount of words that want to burst out of you.

“I…” The shoulders of the guy in front of you are slumped over now, and he lets his head hang. You feel like you understand him well enough to know what you have to say to him to give up on something, but after thinking for a bit, he speaks up again. “Then… I’ll just have to become someone more reliable.” You raise your eyebrows in genuine surprise. “I’ll just have to prove to you that I can take care of you, right? I mean… I’ve already helped you out, haven’t I?”

“That was once…” you argue. “You don’t know what it’s like when I’m in that state for days. I bet you couldn’t handle it…”

“But you don’t know that,” he says. “We’ve never been together for that long. So… let me try. Please.” You give him a long and thorough look, and you find nothing but sincerity in his expression. You came here for something entirely different, but somehow now you’re talking as if you were about to enter a serious relationship with him. And though you’re not happy about it at the moment, it doesn’t feel like something you don’t want.

“What about Chaewon…?” you return to the original concern, and Intak answers with determination in his voice.

“I’ll break up with her. By the end of tomorrow.”

The following days are mostly spent with the two of you frequently meeting up and discussing in depth how it would be smart to take things slow. After all, rushing from one relationship into the other seldom ends well for anyone involved.

However, you soon have to face the fact that the way you two just can’t keep your hands off each other poses a big obstacle to that plan. And it’s not like you don’t see the downward spiral you’re progressing on everytime you let your desires take over, it’s just that the way a single kiss makes all your worries and anxieties fade into the background leaves you unwilling to resist. Though you usually end up regretting everything a few hours later.

You feel like you’re on a train ride into disaster, and the train is accelerating to the point you have no clue how to pull the brakes anymore. You notice it in the way you forget to do tasks you’ve been told to do at work, or how you almost forget half an assignment for uni, because all you can think about is him. And at first you tell yourself that it’s normal, that’s just how it is when you’re in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. But when one day one of your professors pulls you aside with a concerned expression on her face in order to ask if something happened in your private life because you’re not attentive in class anymore at all, you understand that you need to change something. Remembering that incident in the middle of a movie night with Intak, you decide to say something.

“You and I - this isn’t going to work out,” you say it resolutely, albeit out of the blue.

“Huh?” The guy peels his gaze off the screen of your laptop that’s placed in front of you two on the floor to raise his eyebrows at you instead. He had invited you over to his place, since his roommate was away for a few days. Some time into the movie, your thoughts had wandered off once again, until you finally reached that conclusion and without second thought you decided to simply say it.

“It just won’t, not like this,” you add. However, when he captures your chin with his index finger and thumb to make you look right at him, the butterflies in your stomach run wild. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, you think, even though you’re convinced that you’re right. This will end in a catastrophe if you don’t sort things out properly. But even with that knowledge, you don’t protest when he presses his lips against yours. How could you? Everytime he kisses you, your thoughts all disappear, and it makes your worries suddenly seem so small. And since you know they will come back eventually, you always make sure it doesn’t end with just a kiss or two. At the same time you enjoy the way it feels like you’re burning up from inside, fire consuming your entire body just from your lips meeting his alone. No, it’s not just that you enjoy it - you’re becoming addicted to it. That’s another reason why you know full well that this can’t go on, but who are you to push him away and reject him when he’s giving you what you need most?

You put your hand behind his neck, raking your fingers up into his hair, and you tug at the strands when he deepens the kiss by running his tongue along your lips and eventually parting them. And fuck, you wish it didn’t leave you feeling so intoxicated whenever he pulls you closer by your waist or your hips, pressing your body up against his - but in a way that’s also the best part. When you know the path to the next stage is all laid out, and there’s nothing but thoughts about him left in your clouded mind. And even when you open your eyes, all you see is him, and all that you feel are his hands on you, fingertips dancing along your skin and hastily pulling off clothes, because really, at this point both of you only have one goal in mind. There’s one thing that makes your body burn up even more than when he kisses you - and that’s when you’re fucking. It’s like an inferno is released from a place hidden away deep within you, and not even you knew it existed prior to this. And now here you are, drowning in the flames of your passion and submitting yourself to every sensation nobody else has ever made you feel, and even if you were to die from it, like being turned to ashes in a bursting fire, you’d be fine with that.

However, morning comes round eventually, and so does logic. You remember that really, nothing’s been solved yet, even though for a few hours last night it sure felt as if there was not a single obstacle on the path that connects you two. A look at his face brings back the entire mess of emotions you’ve been carrying around with you, and for a second you think you’re going to throw up. You look away quickly, running your fingers through his messy bed hair in one last loving gesture, and then you get up to get dressed. With one more glance at his sleeping figure that’s already hugging the side of the blanket you had used, you almost catch yourself smiling, and then you walk out the door. It is after turning the first corner of your way home that all the uncomfortable feelings hit you again, along with the premonition that something’s very much not right, and you curse yourself silently, shoving the thoughts away with all the strength you can muster.

And then comes Monday.

You’re at work, finishing up some sorting of wares into the shelves, when the clock strikes noon, signaling the start of lunch break and the end of your shift. Chaewon has been unusually inattentive today, clumsily dropping several objects and even charging a customer too much for their purchase. You both apologize frantically, in order to ensure they would leave the shop without being angry, and thankfully the customer ends up being understanding of your coworker’s mistake. It’s when you’re entering the staff area to put your apron back into your locker, that Chaewon catches up with you and calls out your name.

“Y/N,” she says, concern reflecting deep in her pupils.

“What is it?” you ask, and you startle when you notice the dark circles under her eyes. “You don’t look too good…” Originally you were going to change your shifts in order to avoid seeing her for a while. After all, she’d probably be mad at you for basically stealing her boyfriend, but looking at your tight uni schedule you figured that wouldn’t be possible. And when you next met her at the shop, you were surprised to say the least, because she didn’t seem to hold any kind of grudge against you whatsoever. And as suspicious as that seemed, you decided not to think much of it.

She traps you in a hug that feels like she’s been needing it for a while, and a bit awkwardly, you hug her back.

“I’m so worried, Y/N,” she says, trying to hold back tears and she takes a step back. “Did I do something wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s about Intak… we had a fight and now he isn’t responding anymore, no matter what I say to apologize.”

“You… what?” You don’t want to believe what she’s saying, and for a moment you’re not sure if she’s telling the truth or speaking complete nonsense either.

“He said something happened and he needs a break… but how much longer is that gonna take?” she sobs. “I thought you might know something, but…”

“I… am sorry, but I think I can’t help you with that,” you answer mechanically as you peel yourself out of her embrace. Then you pick up your keys. “I have to be somewhere, so let’s talk another time, okay?” Fuming, you rush out the door, letting your feet carry you wherever. And only when you’re out of breath do you come to a halt, beginning to fully process what just happened.

“He fucking lied to me…”

“Y/N, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting for too long! My bus got stuck in traffic, and-”

“What the fuck?” Intak raises his eyebrows in surprise as he stands before you, chest still rising and sinking quickly from running here. You were scheduled to meet him tonight anyway, so you figured you could confront him about the thing with Chaewon then.

“I am asking you what the fuck you think you’re doing? A break? I hope that’s not true…” you yell at his increasingly confused face.

“Y/N, calm down first of a-” he’s already extending his hands to grab you by the shoulders, but you slap them away.

“Don’t tell me to calm down,” you hiss. “Chaewon told me everything.”

“Huh? Why are you talking about her?”

“Stop playing dumb!” you shout, but as the panic in his face just grows and he still seems to not understand a single word you’re saying, you’re starting to think that maybe his confusion is genuine. You take a deep breath and then you grab him by the wrist, pulling him aside so as not to keep arguing in the middle of the sidewalk.

“She came running to me today, crying about why you’re not responding to her,” you clarify, adding more to Intak’s exasperation.

“Why would she…?”

“And then she said you told her you needed a break. So you didn’t break up with her properly?”

“I…” The dots finally seem to connect in his head, and he’s suddenly very visibly overwhelmed by guilt. “Oh my god…”

“Yeah, oh my god. That’s what I should be saying. What is this mess, huh? What happened to becoming someone more reliable?” You stare daggers at him for a while, your hurt having mostly taken on the shape of anger, and after a while he manages to collect himself despite your scrutinizing gaze.

“Y/N, I… I think I have to… explain something…” The words hit you like a ton of bricks, and you already begin to dread the conversation ahead of you. But still you follow him to a more quiet place, where the number of people passing you by closely and potentially eavesdropping is low.

“So… uh…” Stepping from one foot to the other, he stammers nonsense nervously, until he finally finds the right words to say. “I told you I’d break up with her, right? Well… I was planning to… I really was…”

“So what got in the way?” you ask sharply, and you see his anxieties rising from the way he fidgets with the hem of his shirt.

“She uh… when I was about to tell her… she told me how her parents wanted to meet me… She was so happy and excited and…”

“You couldn’t say no?” you reckon. Intak nods.

“I couldn’t tell her no…” he repeats. “I’m sorry…” You let out a huge sigh.

“And that all happened while you already pretended like you had broken up with her to me,” you continue.

“I mean… I went to talk to her the day after we talked,” he explains. He still doesn’t dare to look you in the eyes, but his voice sounds a bit firmer now. “But then she told me that her parents want me to come over for dinner and that her mother already has the entire menu planned out and… how could I have told her…?” You should’ve just said it, is what you think, but you say something else.

“So you felt sorry for them and like you were obligated to go?”

“Yeah… so I went. And her mom made sure I know she adores me. She started talking about grandkids at some point…” You understand how he’d feel pressured to act the way he did in this situation, but that does nothing to soothe your disappointment in him.

“So you just told her you needed a break instead of breaking up with her?”

“I thought… maybe she gets the message if I don’t reply after that?” He says it in a way that sounds like he’s suddenly very aware of what a stupid idea that was.

“My god…” you sigh and roll your eyes at him.

“I couldn’t just… break her heart like that…”

“Oh, and what about me? You can break my heart but not hers?” He’s not sure what to say to that, but you don’t mind. You simply keep yelling at him, and it feels good to get all of that out. “You’re too much of a coward to break up with her properly and to tell her you like her coworker? You’re too much of a coward to disappoint her parents, because you feel responsible for making sure they’re happy? Two people who are basically strangers?!”

“No, I-”

“Or maybe it’s because she’s easier to date than me-”

“That’s not it!” He shouts those words at you with all his might, and suddenly he’s also looking you firmly in the eyes. “You know that’s not true.” Taken aback by his sudden charge forward, it’s now you who’s speechless. “I just… I was scared, yeah.”

“Listen,” you eventually say after a period of silence. “I get it, okay. I get that you were in a shitty situation and you felt pressured and all. But I need you to tell that girl you’re not in love with her. I don’t want to walk on this tightrope between being your girlfriend and your dirty little secret.”

“Y-you’re not-” he tries to protest, but you immediately cut him off.

“Then make sure I know where I stand. And Chaewon too.”

“I will…” he promises, again without looking you in the eye. “So… today isn’t happening…?”

“Well, what do you think?” you snark back at him, and when he understands that your date is over before it has even started, you turn around and walk away without another word. Only when you’re sure you’re out of sight do you let yourself process your feelings. As you walk home, the weight of the disappointment and the hurt slow you down, and when you’re finally in your room, you stare at the mirror for what feels like an eternity, waiting for everything to sink in enough to make you break down crying. However, the longer you wait, the more the storm within you calms down, and you only step away from the mirror when you’re sure that the tears really won’t come.

You’re sitting in Keeho’s room, sunken hip-deep into his bean bag. Your head hangs low and there is no strength in your posture. He hands you your canned drink - horribly sweet soda that he somehow always offers you when you’re in a real shitty mood - and gives you a gentle pat on the shoulder, before sitting in his spinning chair.

“What’s up with you?” he asks, opening his own can and taking a sip. You place yours on the ground for now, not feeling like consuming any kind of food or drink right now. You’re not sure what to say - you came here to talk, but so far you haven’t thought about how to start. So you simply sigh, and you look around the room in hopes your childhood friend would say something you could easily react to. “You wanted to tell me something, right?” he inquires, as you have sent him a text asking if he had time to talk prior to coming here.

“Yeah…” you say.

“So?” He raises an eyebrow at you, taking another sip of the sweet soda.

“Just… have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts? Like… physically.” As if your body wanted to confirm that you’re not lying, you feel that dull pain in your chest again, and it makes you clutch your shirt in your fist.

“Hm? Well,” he says, “I’ve never really one-sidedly been in love with someone, so… not really.”

“Yeah,” you let out a bitter laugh, “I also always thought that only happens when it’s one-sided…” Keeho musters you for a while, and it’s as if you could look inside his brain to see the way he’s finally putting one and one together.

“Wait… wait, is this about Intak?” he guesses, and you laugh again.

“Who else would it be about?” you mutter without looking at your friend.

“So… wait-” He realizes something else. “But you said it’s not one-sided? What about his girlfriend…?”

“It was a mistake setting them up,” you spit out the words. “It was also a mistake to let him back into my life.”

“Whoa, there.” Keeho lifts his hands in a pacifying gesture, but it does nothing to soothe the turmoil of emotions running wild inside you.

“I told him not to love me…” Anger makes you tear at your shirt that you’re still holding onto painfully tightly, and then the sadness overwhelms you, and tears well up in your eyes. “I told him this can’t go on… but why does he have to be so damn good at convincing me otherwise…?” you sob, and Keeho kneels down on the ground before you. He extends his arms to give you a comforting hug, but it doesn’t make you stop crying. “I hate him,” you curse.

“I don’t think you do…” Keeho says, and then he adds, “But I guess that’s not what you want to hear right now.”

He’s right. You could never hate that kind-hearted but clumsy guy - not in a million years. But right at this moment you wish you could. It makes you feel so helpless, and so you simply keep crying, sobbing out your frustrations and the way it all hurts so much.

“I mean… what kind of guy is too afraid to break up with one person while thinking he can just make someone else love him so much?” you sob into Keeho’s embrace, and you hear him sigh as he keeps rubbing slow circles on your back. He lets you cry until you can’t anymore, and when you’ve somehow calmed down a bit, he just sits across you, holding both your hands in his.

“He’s an idiot,” Keeho states. “A big one too. I guess that makes you two very alike.” You don’t want to agree, but you can’t argue with him either, so you simply look at the floor between your feet. “You shouldn’t have agreed to setting the two up in the first place. And he shouldn’t have tried to please that girl for so long. But with the way you keep rejecting him it’s very understandable that things turned out like this.”

“Wow, thank you,” you snark at him sarcastically, “that’s exactly what I wanted to hear right now.”

“I know you didn’t,” he says. “But who is gonna be your voice of reason here if not your bestest friend in the whole wide world?” He gives you that smile only he knows how to pull, and for a second you want to punch him square in the face. But then you’re simply overcome with thankfulness over having a friend like him and you throw your arms around his shoulders. You can’t bring yourself to thank him for it just yet, but you’re sure your actions convey to him just how you feel.

“So, what are you gonna do about it now?” he asks. “Or do you just need a bit of a break first?”

“I need like a 10 year break… from everything…” you say, and you feel a headache from crying so much beginning to set in. Then you sigh. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“I think you two should talk again… however things proceed for you two, you should make sure you reach neutral ground first.”

“I guess…” you mumble. “That won’t be easy, though…”

“I know,” Keeho answers. “But I trust you two to figure this out. Because you get each other.”

For the following days you continuously rack your brain for a way to solve this, and everytime you end up with the same conclusion: that for as long as Chaewon is involved in this, you don’t want to make your move - aside from the anxiety the thought of the confrontation that will inevitably have to happen gives you. You’re trapped in a vicious cycle that you don’t know how to break out of and that sucks all your energy out of you. And then the day you’ve been fearing eventually comes.

“Can we talk?”

“I have to tell you something important.”

You stare blankly at the two messages Intak had sent you while you were in class, trying and failing to focus on your course. It’s almost evening, and while your every nerve is screaming at you to ignore and avoid him, logically you know that that’s the worst thing you could possibly do here.

“What is it?” You force yourself to text back.

“I want to tell you in person. Can we meet up somewhere?” You let out a sigh of existential dread, but eventually you agree, and you set the meeting place as the rooftop of your department. The rooftop, you think. How cheesy… but at least we’re closer to the stars that we can’t see there, huh?

You take your time walking all the way up there and technically violating the building regulations by trespassing through the door leading to your destination. But nobody checks who comes up here anyway, and for a second it makes you feel like you’re the heroine of some melodramatic anime, which in turn makes you smile to yourself for a moment.

“There you are,” Intak mutters as he sees you arrive, and you reckon you must’ve kept him waiting for quite a bit. A glance at the cloudy sky above tells you that you won’t have much time before the cold November rain hits and you have to run back inside. But for now it’s still relatively warm, since it was an unusually sunny day.

“What do you want?” you ask, crossing your arms in front of your chest.

“I just wanted to let you know that I broke up with her for real… with Chaewon.” There’s expectation glowing in his eyes, maybe he thought you’d happily fall into his arms now, but you don’t feel like granting him such forgiving gestures.

“I see,” you simply state, sounding rather cold.

“That means we can start over now,” he states as he steps closer, holding out his hand for you to take, but you merely give it a dismissive glance and then you look away.

“You’re really that naive…” you comment under your breath, and once he begins to realize that his movie-esque masterplan isn’t working out, the confident expression is wiped off his face.

“But…”

“You were late… You were way too late with this, do you realize that?” His blank stare rests on you, before his eyes turn to the ground to search for an answer to this situation there.

“I’m sorry,” he eventually says. “I really wanted to make this work…” You were lying if you said you didn’t feel at least a little bit of pity for him, and since Keeho has convinced you to have a conversation with Intak about everything anyway, you take this chance to initiate that.

“Let’s talk, then,” you offer, and immediately you can see hope flare up in the younger guy’s pupils. And then you watch as he struggles to find the right words under your expectant gaze, but the moment he pulls himself together, he starts speaking honestly.

“When you two introduced me to Chaewon, when I first met her, I really thought this was going to work out. That’s why I wanted to do my best, you know? To make her happy and all. But I think I treated that more as some kind of duty, than considering how I really felt about her. And then she kept telling me how I’m just the perfect guy for her, and how her parents are gonna love me, and then I actually met them and they were so happy about Chaewon being with me…” He sighs and a bitter smile appears on his lips for a few seconds. “When I was at their place because of the dinner her mother even said what a great son-in-law I’d make. That made me feel so guilty…” And it didn’t make you feel guilty when you saw how much I hated you going there in the first place? The thought crosses your mind, but you swallow the words and decide to let him finish talking for now.

“So I knew that I had to tell her the truth,” he continues. “I mean, I knew that even before. But that gave me the final push, I think. Anyway, then there’s you. We got along so well when we started getting closer the first time, so I just didn’t understand why… you would suddenly cut me out of your life like this. And then I saw you again and I was just kinda happy, you know? And I think I already knew it back then, that there’s something more than friendship between us. But after the kiss at Jiung’s party, I knew for sure. And the way I felt like you liked me too one second, and then like you hated me the next, that confusion really hurt.” You feel bad for him, you can’t say that you don’t. And you feel sorry, especially now that he’s spelling out for you exactly what you did wrong. You know that it was wrong, but you also know that you didn’t have it in you to act any differently. To be any more honest. So now, you feel, now is the time to make up for that, and to tell him the truth about how you felt.

“You know… I wasn’t fair on you,” you say. You don’t manage to look him in the eye. “I think it was that night during our trip, when we talked for hours. I think that’s when I started falling in love with you. And when I realized I remember my first reaction being overwhelming anxiety.”

“Why…?” he pries, not quite understanding.

“Because you’re younger. It felt wrong, at that moment. It felt like I would break you if I were to get any closer. And I was so scared that the people around me would point their fingers at me, telling me off for liking someone who had just graduated high school…”

“I’m not a kid anymore.” He says it confidently, and you think you can hear a bit of offense in his voice.

“You were to me,” you say. “Up until that moment, anyway. When we first met I didn’t care about you much, even though I always felt that we click well. But then you grew up and… I guess I realized that you’re not that boy I first met when we were in high school anymore.”

“Because I’m not,” he laughs now. “And besides, you’re not that much older.”

“I guess… but I was still scared. You know me. I get scared of everything,” you smile bitterly as an overwhelming sadness washes over you. “And then the thing with Chaewon happened… and when Keeho suggested you as her potential blind date I agreed without thinking. He even asked me if I was okay with that, and I was too much of a coward to say no. And that’s another reason why I think you shouldn’t like me so much. Because nobody deserves being with someone like me.”

“So… the age thing wasn’t really the reason?” he guesses, and you shake your head before starting to doubt.

“I don’t know, actually…” you eventually say. “All I know is that I can’t stand the thought of you seeing me how I really am. So… I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he says, and you smile at him apologetically as a sign that you’re trying your best to forgive him, even though you still feel pretty bad about it all. “And don’t be,” he adds. “There must be a way to figure this out.” You stand in front of each other like this for a while, and then you start feeling cold rain drops hitting your faces. Just when you’re about to suggest to go back inside, he takes a step towards you, cupping your face with his hand. You know what’s coming next, and you’re not sure if you’re okay with that, but for now you decide to do nothing about it, and you let him press his lips against yours. The bitterness of your feelings mixes with his sweet and fiery kiss, and when he pulls back you snark at him,

“You really think you can charm your way out of anything, huh?” You’re trying to sound smart, but the way your heart suddenly beats a lot faster than before doesn’t allow for you to react appropriately. He grins, and then he goes in for another kiss.

“Maybe,” he whispers against your lips. “But it’s working, isn’t it?” You don’t know how to respond, and to be honest you don’t want to respond. Not with words, anyway. So you merely kiss him back, and you sigh in approval as a sign of resignation.

You’re not sure for how long you’re standing there, just kissing, but when you finally part and come to your senses, the rain is already getting stronger.

“We should go back inside,” he says, and you nod your head. Then he grabs you by the hand and together you rush into the building.

After that, you and Intak decide to give things another chance. Granted, he’s the one who kinda took the lead throughout the whole process of making that decision and eventually convinced you to stay together. However, no matter how hard he tries to be the perfect boyfriend for you, your bad premonitions never go away. Maybe a part of the reason for that is how hard he tries to put on a perfect act - and how much he stumbles along the way. You can now sense his anxiety over upsetting you again and possibly losing you every time he’s near you, or even when you’re talking on the phone or chatting, he seems more hesitant than ever about every single thing he says or does. And there’s no denying that this is very exhausting for the both of you.

It’s a cold and grey day, but shops are starting to set up their Christmas lights and decorations, and the first harbingers of the festive season cheer you up a bit. You’re walking the streets hand in hand with your boyfriend, the distant anxiety over anything that might go wrong this time walking with you. But you pay it no heed, deciding that you simply want to have a fun date today. You pass by clothing stores, both peeking inside to look for anything that catches your eyes, and you also walk past a café you both like.

“You think they already sell the Christmas specials?” Intak wonders out loud, and you nod.

“They do! They posted about it on their insta a few days ago,” you explain, and in your boyfriend’s smiling face you can see the excitement grow.

“Wanna get something then?” he suggests. When you hesitate upon considering whether or not you want to spend money on an overpriced beverage, he begins to frown. “Maybe not…?”

“Oh, no, if you want to get something, you can go ahead! I’m just not sure because of the prices…” you explain, while you feel the lump in your throat grow.

“Ah, I thought you didn’t like my idea…” he admits, speaking quietly while he avoids looking you in the eye. His grip on your hand has become weaker, and it’s getting hard for you to swallow the bitter aftertaste in your mouth that these kinds of situations leave. But you’re resolute to turn it back around, so you pull him along with you as you speed up and smile at him.

“Let’s look for a cheaper place then? And we can come here once I get paid this month,” you suggest, and as he nods his eyes light up. You both get some hot chocolate at a place that’s just a few minutes by foot away, and then you continue your walk. After a while you find a clothing store that you decide to enter because of a cute outfit you spot in the shop window, but even here you feel the tension rise again. The guy who’s usually so bubbly when it comes to giving his opinion on anything fashion related is barely speaking now, and you just know it’s because he’s afraid of saying something that might hurt your feelings in some way.

“You’re thinking too much,” you eventually tell him after a good 20 minutes of him only silently nodding at whatever you’re picking out or trying on. When he raises his eyebrows at you, you clarify, “I can tell you don’t like this shirt on me.” You point at the bright yellow top you just tried on. “And I won’t be mad at you if you tell me that.” In shame, he averts his gaze.

“Sorry…” he eventually just mutters.

You end your shopping trip there, assuring Intak that it’s not because of him, even though that’s technically a lie. But you don’t want him to feel any worse, since he’s already walking on eggshells.

You two grab a quick dinner on your way home, and when you arrive at your flat it’s still awkward. Still, you let him inside when he doesn’t seem like he wants to leave yet, and you decide to try to make him relax a bit one more time.

“Want something to drink? Water or… yeah, I don’t have anything but water and alcohol,” you chuckle.

“Just water, then,” he answers, and quickly adds, “I can get it myself!” However, you shake your head, already taking a glass out of the little cupboard above your stove. As you hand it to him, you sit down next to him on your bed.

“You really need to stop overthinking so much,” you say, trying to sound as gentle as you can. You give him a reassuring smile once he has finished the glass of water, and as you get up and reach for it to put it on your desk, you also press a kiss onto his lips. He barely lets you put the glass away before he’s already standing next to you, cupping your face with his hands to kiss you again, and then eventually you break apart, having him give you his puppy eyes.

“What is it now?” you ask, knowing that there’s something else on his mind.

“Just… I feel like a burden to you…” he mumbles, and with a sigh you take him by the hands and you sit down on your bed side by side.

“I know,” you simply say. “You’ve become very quiet ever since…”

“I’m scared I’ll do something to upset you again.”

“I know that too. But that fear makes everything a lot worse than it could be - especially for you,” you say. “I wish I could do something to make you worry less.” He studies you for a while, before silently requesting,

“Kiss me. That makes it better at least for a while.” Again, logic screams at you that that’s not the solution, but when your gaze drops to his mouth, you can’t resist the urge to feel it against yours. And so you listen to him rather than your thoughts, and you place one hand at the back of his neck before you brush your lips against his. When you part after just a moment and you lock eyes with him, you can see that he wants more. You don’t let him wait, and you lean in again.

A kiss becomes two, and two kisses become a dozen, and before you know it you’ve both rid the other of their clothes, now lying in bed on top of each other and making love with your limbs tangled. With touches and kisses scattered all over your bodies, everything feels like it’s in the right place again, and when eventually you slowly come back down from your high, your mind and body feel at ease.

“When I’m with you, it’s like I don’t have a single worry in my head,” you say, staring at the ceiling above. Your room is shrouded in darkness now, and Intak is lying right next to you. He’s so close that your upper arms are tightly pressed together - because the bed in your one-room apartment isn't very big, but also because neither of you can bring yourselves to break skin contact. “It feels like… every thought becomes you, and there’s nothing on my mind but you.”

“I feel the same,” he mutters into the dark. “You make me forget about all the bad things. Like… when we’re together like this, they’re not even there.” He turns to face you as he sits up, broad shoulders blocking out the city lights shimmering in through your curtains. As if it was an invitation, you sit up as well, and you put your arms around his torso, hands resting on his shoulders. He returns the embrace, and when you both lean onto each other, you close your eyes, feeling safe.

“I love you.” You mumble the words into his chest, and the next second you can hear his heartbeat quicken. Hiding his face in the crook of your neck, a big smile appears on his lips before he trails kisses up the side of your throat to whisper in your ear,

“I love you too.”

“Do you remember, during our trip… do you remember the promise we made?” you ask.

“That we’ll go stargazing together again?” he assumes correctly.

“Yeah. We should do that sometime.” He hums in agreement, and then he brings some distance between your faces to be able to look at you. He smiles at you brightly, and you return the expression, and then he leans in to capture your lips in a slow and passionate kiss. As he pushes you back into the mattress by your shoulders, you tighten your embrace to pull him as close as possible, and when you let yourself succumb to his touch, you wish this night would never end.

It goes on like this until well into December. Everytime you meet there is something at least one of you is anxious about, and everytime it ends in a kiss that leads to more, until you have successfully tricked your minds into believing you’re just fine. It’s a bit like being drunk, you think. Like two idiots addicted to liquor, you keep running back to what you know will give you the illusion of a carefree life - even if it lasts only for a few hours. But because it lasts so short, you do it over and over again, until it becomes painful to be apart, and anxiety-inducing to say goodbye. And everytime you try to talk about your observations, he comes up with another elaborate answer as to why it’s actually not so bad and how he will simply work harder. And then nothing ever actually gets better, because you’re both so stuck in your own problems and in your own dependency on the other that you can’t even see what’s up ahead. What’s more is that at some point you had to painfully realize that there is no way you can fully trust him like this anymore. You’re not sure if it’s because you two rushed into everything way too fast, or if it’s because neither you nor him can solve anything about this situation if it stays like this. But you guess that it’s probably both. And so one night, when the pain in your chest gets so overwhelming that you can’t even do your course work anymore, leading to you realizing that you haven’t had the energy for doing anything at all for the past few weeks unless you’re with Intak, you know that you have to make a decision.

You stand in front of his dorms when he greets you with raised eyebrows. He didn’t expect you to come visit him right now, and especially not at this hour.

“We have to talk.” That’s all you say, and wordlessly, you walk up to his room. He doesn’t take your hand on the way there, and he doesn’t kiss you dramatically as soon as the door is closed.

“My roommate isn’t here, so…” he says, gesturing at his empty bed, to signal that you could talk in peace. But you didn’t come here with much to say anyway. Or maybe you did - you’re not even sure about that anymore.

“This needs to end. Now.” You say the words like you have practiced them at least a hundred times on the way here, but you can see that they’re not getting through to the guy standing in front of you.

“What do you-”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

You can see the sadness and the hurt in his expression, and the way his eyes become dyed a deep color of rejection. He carefully takes a step towards you, reaching out slowly and anxiously to take your hands into his. You let him, and you almost can’t bear to see him like this, but when he starts leaning in you shake him off, escaping his touch by stepping back.

“Why do you always try to kiss me when I’m about to leave?” you ask, reproachfully and with a loud voice. You suck in a breath that feels cold like ice, and the air in the room is about to crush you under its weight.

“...because I don’t want you to leave.” He says it so quietly that you barely hear him, and now he stands in front of you like a broken, homeless puppy. You’ve never seen him so small, and it breaks your heart to the point you can physically feel the pain in your chest as if someone had stabbed you. You don’t know what to say. “Me neither” sure as hell isn’t the right answer, but it’s all your brain gives you to work with at the moment. So you stay silent. You know it’s for the better, you’ve told yourself that so many times, and still you feel like crying and like running into his arms and telling each other that everything’s alright, you’re just fine together. But nothing is fine.

“Look-” you attempt to speak. However, the lump in your throat and the pitiful image of the broken boy in front of you make it hard to say anything. Eventually, you give up and you merely sigh, “I don’t wanna do this either.” You pray for him to say something, anything to make it easier for you to walk away, but all he does is let his head hang. Mayhaps he’s searching for a solution somewhere on the ground, in between the veins of the fake wooden floor. You decide to do the same, so you don’t have to look at him, and when you’ve eventually collected your thoughts well enough to talk, you both attempt to say something at the same time.

“You go first,” you say.

“No, you,” he retorts, lifting his hand in a gesture, and instead of saying what you had planned, you utter,

“Why are we like this?”

“...like what?” he asks, hesitantly.

“Like… like this! We’re too fucking perfect for each other, of course there has to be this huge fucking boulder in our ways to make us impossible to work out!” you exclaim, exasperatedly gesturing and thinking everything through once again, in case you might’ve missed a tiny door leading out of this mess. But obviously you don’t find anything like that.

“I know…” You’re a bit surprised when he’s overcome by resignation. You wouldn’t have expected him to finally give in and to finally stop arguing that there has to be some kind of way. “I think I get it now - what you mean. We’re so caught up in our feelings for each other that we forget about everything else, ourselves included, even though we love each other.”

“But… Intak,” you say, and you think you can see him flinch when he hears his name. “This isn’t love. We’re infatuated. Obsessed. We’re addicted to each other like to some drug, and it’s doing none of us any good. Not me and not you either.”

“But…”

“No. I’ve seen what it does to you too. You barely spend time with your friends anymore. You think you have to do everything possible to please me. Even your studies are suffering. And I’m the same - I can’t fucking think about anything but you anymore. When we’re not together I feel like I’m immobilized, because somehow my stupid brain or heart or whatever is screaming for you like a toddler throwing a tantrum, and it’s refusing to let me do anything else. And when I’m with you I get so anxious because I know the moment when we have to say goodbye will inevitably come. That’s not healthy.”

“No… that’s not healthy…” he repeats. He avoids looking you in the eye, even turning his own face away now. He’s ashamed, but you’re not sure of what exactly. Whether it’s because he let it get this far for himself or if he thinks it’s his fault that you’re suffering like this or if it’s because of something else - you’re not going to ask.

“So let’s end this,” you say, before putting some more emphasis behind your voice and adding, “Please.”

“It’s… for the better,” you hear him mumble somewhat lifelessly. And no matter how much your instincts are telling you - no, screaming at you - to go comfort him, you bite that urge back with everything you’ve got.

“I’m so sorry it had to get this far…”

“Me too…”

“I’m sorry.” For a moment you feel tears about to well up in your eyes, but you hold your breath and you pull yourself together, before saying your final word. “Goodbye.” You don’t dare to look at him anymore, and mechanically you walk out the door.

The fresh, chilly air hits your hot cheeks, and a gust of wind tears at you, as if it wanted to make you fall to your knees. You wrap your arms around yourself tightly, in an attempt to fight off the cold, until you realize that it’s all coming from within. Nothing will be able to warm you up right now. For a second, you glance up into the night sky. It’s clear up ahead, but you can’t see a single star on the filament.

And that’s when you finally break down.

The sun shines brightly above the city, and its rays gently caress your face through the shop window. You’re looking outside, watching the people passing you by going about their days - some in a haste, some walking slowly and without a care in the world. When you turn your head to look at Keeho, who sits across you with one raised eyebrow, you answer the question he just asked you.

“It’s alright,” you say. “I got an interesting project right off the bat, so that’s really nice. And I get to sit in my supervisor’s office all day and just read up on the topic. No customer service - no having to put on fake smiles from morning till evening. So, I’m pretty happy right now.”

“That’s great to hear,” your childhood friend says. “I was afraid you’d put yourself through another two years of uni. Even when it’s so hard for you…”

“Yeah. I’m glad you convinced me otherwise,” you answer, shooting him a thankful smile. After breaking up with Intak, the first person you went to to cry your eyes out and tell him about the whole story was Keeho. Obviously it was him - there’s no better option for you after all. You ended up explaining your anxiety to him as well, and you could tell that at first he beat himself up over never noticing, but then he made sure to always be very attentive and consider your struggles when you’re not feeling at your best. It was him who eventually knocked the idea of doing a master’s degree out of your head, and who helped you understand that you should do what’s best for yourself emotionally, and not what others tell you is best for your future. “The future doesn’t matter if you can’t make the present count.” - That’s what he said to you, and you think of that a lot these days. He’s right, after all. What use is a future built upon a broken present? And so, when you found out that your department is looking for a young researcher to join their team for a term of two years, you applied and thankfully made it. Your days are a lot more regulated now, and you thoroughly enjoy focusing on just one topic for a longer period of time, instead of having to do homework and presentations and essays on a thousand different matters all at once.

“I have to come visit you at some point, and then we celebrate!” Keeho announces. “Or I invite you and throw you a surprise party!”

“It’s not a surprise party if you tell me about it beforehand,” you comment.

“It can be if I only tell you that it’s happening, and not when!” he says, but after thinking about it for a bit he adds, “Or I can just tell you all of the details, and then it’s suddenly an anti-surprise party!”

“Isn’t it just a party then?” you point out, and you feel yourself smile. It makes you happy to bicker with him like this - you’re sure that’s something that will never change. Something that’s permanent.

You two continue to joke around for another while, until you part ways to each tend to your own lives again. Since all you have left to do today is some laundry, you choose to walk home instead of taking the bus. Like this, you get to enjoy the spring breeze that’s warming up your bones after a long winter’s cold, and the way there is a tree or a bunch of flowers starting to bloom at every corner despite being in a city makes you feel refreshed too - reborn in a way. It’s almost April, and a lot has changed in the past three months.

You arrive at your new apartment - a tiny flat located in a bit of a remote area, but still near campus. You’re lucky that you can afford it, and your parents have offered to help you out financially whenever you’re in need, but you try not to ask favours of them too much. You collect all the dirty clothes you might’ve scattered somewhere in a rush, and then, just when you’re about to exit your flat with your laundry basket, you get this strange feeling that something’s not right. As you turn around to let your eyes wander your living room and kitchen, you notice that the displays of all devices have gone dark. You walk over to the window, and as you look outside, there is not a single light on in any of the surrounding buildings. And even though it’s bright daylight outside, the city suddenly looks a lot more dull, like it’s nothing more than a bunch of cement towers now. You sigh and put down the laundry basket, before checking how much battery you still have left on your phone. And then you simply decide to accept the situation as it is for now, and you find yourself a book to read while you wait for the power to come back on.

Except that it doesn’t. By now you’re looking up what’s happening on the news using your phone, and all information you’re finding is that the entire city seems to be out of power, and that they’re “working on it.” You’re a bit sad about the fact that you won’t be able to cook yourself a proper dinner tonight, and that you’ll have to survive on snacks or maybe some toast, but otherwise you just go back to reading until it gets too dark to make out the letters without your eyes starting to hurt.

Since there’s nothing to do anyway, you decide to just slip into your pajamas and go to sleep, but when you walk past the window in your small living room and you glance outside, you come to a halt. You gape a bit at the sight outside, and you feel yourself drawn closer to the window, and when you stand right in front of it, the tip of your nose pressed up against the glass pane, you can see the stars twinkling in the sky up above. Almost like a child, you start smiling to yourself like an idiot, and you make yourself comfortable in a position that allows you to stare outside for however long you like.

You’re not sure how much time has passed with you just looking out the window without even thinking much about anything and just counting the stars and connecting them into your own little constellations in your head, but you startle when there’s a knock at your door. Your body has relaxed to the point it takes you a few moments to process that there’s a person in front of your flat, and when you get up you feel that one of your legs has fallen asleep.

“It’s probably one of the neighbours…” you mumble to yourself, and then you open the door. Your eyes need a moment to adjust to the brightness of the light on the hallway, which is probably powered by some backup generator in the basement, but the person in front of you is already speaking up.

“Let’s go see the stars.”

“Huh?”

“Let’s go see the stars.” You look at Intak, completely dumbfounded at both his words and the fact that he’s here in the first place, and slowly your face takes on the shape of a frown. You’re about to turn the offer down and to tell him to leave, but then he adds firmly, “And talk. Please.”

“How did you even get my address?” you ask, but he’s already holding out his hand to you.

“From Keeho, but that’s not important right now. The power could be back any minute, so… we should hurry.”

“What?”

“We promised to go stargazing together again, didn’t we? So now’s our chance,” he says, determination in his voice and his expression. “And also… I think there’s a few things I still have to say to you.”

You’re not even sure why you eventually agree, maybe it’s the way he always manages to convince you to do whatever he wants, or maybe it’s just that you’re curious about what this guy could possibly have to tell you after over three months of not talking to him at all. But you come with him as he leads you to the nearest park. The first thing you do is sit down on a bench and look up at the sky in awe. There’s a sea of stars above you, and you can see them even more clearly here than from your living room window.

“So… what did you want to tell me?” you eventually ask to get the conversation going.

“I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” he says. “I fucked up and… I can see that now. Maybe you can forgive me, I don’t know, but I do know that I wanted to say this properly at least once.” You’re speechless, but at the same time pleasantly surprised. There’s no trace left of the wavering boy from last autumn, and you can tell he speaks confidently now. That’s when you feel it again - the way you’re immediately more at ease whenever he’s around, but it’s more of a comfortable breeze now, than a storm that shakes you at your core.

“We both fucked up,” you answer eventually. “It’s not just you. I made mistakes too.” You look up into the stars again, because they’re too beautiful not to look at even in a situation like this, and also because it feels like it might be easier to talk with your gaze resting on a galaxy somewhere far away. “I thought about this a lot the past three months. Not just us, but also myself. Did you know, for example, that I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to conform and to fit in instead of just doing what’s really the best for me?” You say that last part with a chuckle, and Intak too lets out a dry laugh.

“I did,” he answers briefly.

“That was one of the problems we had. If I had been selfish just once - or maybe it’s not even selfish, but just, you know, honest with myself - then the whole mess wouldn’t have happened. I could’ve just told you I liked you. We could’ve fallen in love and taken our sweet time with it…”

“But we wouldn’t have,” he says. “Right?”

“Yeah. Because maybe you wouldn’t have been so dependant on me easing your pain, but my anxiety would’ve still been there. And we’d have still rushed into everything.” A smile appears on your lips, and it tastes bitter. “But the way it was, we were doomed to fail from the start. We tried to build a tower on top of a broken house without considering that maybe we should actually take things slow and fix things while we’re still at the bottom of it.”

“You’re right… and I kept convincing you to go on… I’m sorry about that as well,” he says.

“Don’t be,” you respond. “I could’ve been more insistent on my point too. It’s not like I didn’t like you keeping me from doing what I thought was right. I think we just… both ended up liking the feeling of being together a bit too much.”

“We were obsessed with trying to convince ourselves that everything is fine, and in order to stay blind to the truth we became obsessed with each other.”

“Yeah.”

“We were at the wrong place at the wrong time, huh?”

“That’s one way to see it,” you say, and when you tear your gaze away from the filament finally, you find him still looking up into the sky. You let your eyes take in the view of his pondering expression, you can unmistakably feel that the love you have for him is still there, somewhere in your heart. “Do you think… we can try again?” Intak immediately looks at you, both eyebrows raised up high, and he’s at least as surprised as you are because of your words.

“You mean… as a couple?”

“Yeah.” He stares at you blankly, and though you can see the gears moving in his head, he doesn’t seem to come to a conclusion. You have to chuckle about it eventually, and you say,

“You don’t have to give me an answer today. It’s fine any day - after all this isn’t the kind of stuff you should rush into. Or so I’ve heard,” you joke, and he snorts.

“I mean… I still… think of you,” he admits, and he gives you that look he only gives you when he’s about to kiss you. But this time, the kiss doesn’t happen. Instead, you scoot over a little closer to him, and you gently set your head down on his shoulder, using it as a pillow.

“I’m glad, then,” you say. “Because so do I.” You stay like this in silence for another while, enjoying how there’s barely any people around, as well as sensing the other’s warmth right beside each other.

“I’m going to become someone others can lean on,” he suddenly says, and you lift your head to give him a questioning look. He elaborates, “I told you that I want to be reliable, but then I never managed to actually be. I want to change that.”

“You already are,” you say, and your hand finds his. Fingers intertwining, you hold onto him firmly. “You seem more reliable already. Like you went through a lot of change since last year.”

“Then I’m glad…” he says as he looks to the ground, and you catch him blushing.

“Me too,” you then add. “I’m also working towards becoming a more reliable person. And someone who doesn’t think that others shouldn’t be with her… because she’ll just be a burden.”

“You’re doing just fine with that, I’m sure,” Intak mutters. “I know you are.” You’re about to say something more, when the two of you look back up into the sky. At that moment, a shooting star passes by, and you both point it out to the other at the same time.

“What did you wish for?” he asks, after you’re both done laughing about how in sync you still are.

“What do you think?”

“Hmmm…” Intak ponders on your question for a short while, before saying, “I don’t know? For a bright future?”

“I wished for my efforts to pay off,” you explain, smiling to yourself in tranquility. “So that we can go see the stars together many more times, even in the far future.”

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