#other queer women like bi and trans women who have always used those terms.

[pansyfemme]

ppl who insist that the terms femme and butch have no history outside of the cis lesbian scene are always the same ppl who’d probably say that stone means ‘very butch’ if you asked them to define it

#its that same kind of ‘does zero research and doesnt listen to anyone who has’ type mentality #those terms having a very specific and very impactful history with one group does not mean there is no history with other groups. especially #other queer women like bi and trans women who have always used those terms. #the usage in the gay male scene comes a bit after but was also very signifigant and not a one off thing #being a butch or a femme as a gay man does has a different impact. that is true. but it still is an important identifyer within that #community. its not identical to usage in queer women’s scenes but it does have impact and importance and history.

[mommyclaws]

look as a lesbian I don’t get why it’s so awful to just want lesbian spaces?? We as queer people all have different experiences and we can have smaller spaces while still embracing the whole community.

Lesbians go through different experiences than bi non-men do. That DOES NOT mean “we suffer more” or whatever because I hate the whole oppression olympics shit. We are not attracted to men neither sexually nor romantically, and that’s what makes us oppressed in this heteronormative world. We go through harassment, corrective rape, violence, and conversion “therapy” because we are homosexual. If my dad ever found out I was exclusively attracted to women I would get kicked out. Why is it suddenly so awful and “gatekeepy” to ask us to have our own spaces? We still have sapphic spaces! We even have bi spaces and pan spaces! Heck, I see gay non-women are allowed to have their own spaces!

It’s harmful to be treated as a monolith. I’m not attracted to men, and saying im an “exclusionist” for this is lesbophobic. I’m not evil for being exclusively attracted to non-men. I’m not evil for saying we should have our own spaces while we’d still have sapphic spaces!

Words have meanings, and the lesbian label is important to me, for all of its history and all of my struggles. I’m tired of us all being seen as “big mean lesbians who hate men” so so much. It reeks of misogyny to me.

I am heavily disappointed, and I ask everyone to please understand why bi lesbians are harmful.

I'm disappointed you've missed the point of my post. I was talking about the history of different lesbians and sapphics being excluded and hated in our community through generations. The conversation wasn't about bi lesbians specifically, it was about the butches, transfemmes, Pan/Bi, Aro/Ace, nonbinary, and countless other identities that were or ARE still considered not "valid" members of our community at point or another. I was pointing out how this "Bi Lesbian exclusion" is just a repeat of past mistakes and in the retrospective it is rooted in radfem/terf ideology that claims sapphics have to present and feel a certain way to be accepted. I didn’t say anywhere that being attracted to non-men is evil, I didn’t call anyone a “big mean lesbian”. You’re putting words into my mouth. That entire post was about defending sapphic’s right to attraction and expression.

Lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, non cis women and etc can all be oppressed, harassed, hate crimed, rejected by friends/family and other terrible things for their non heteronormative attraction.

Some people are failing to realize these exclusively “one identity spaces" they feel are being threatened don't actually exist in real life. Sure someone can have like, a "nonbinaries only" discord server or a meet up with friends who are all the the same identity. But a majority of queer spaces in real life? They don't have those rules because theres no way to separate queer identities neatly like that- There isn't a need to. You're going to find bisexuals and pansexuals and nonbinaries and trans people and all sorts of other identities at the same lesbian bar, the same sapphic support group, the same circle of friends.

So what exactly are these "spaces" that every other identity has and lesbians supposedly don't? Maybe ask why bisexuals, pansexuals, etc also being in a sapphic space feels so threatening to some in the first place? They have a right to be there as well. We are a community.

A label can be used and defined as whatever the owner of the label is comfortable with! "Lesbian" has always been an umbrella term. It can be a singular identity or it can describe any sapphic experience or it can do lots of things, labels have always been flexible in this way. Someone using the label differently than another person isn't harmful. It's expression.

#Not my intention to come off as argumentative! Just a discussion of different views. #I don’t mind discussing different perspectives and defending what I think in return #disclaimer: plz do not harass the asker if you disagree. #lgbt discourse #?? <- for anyone who doesn’t want to see this ig #asks #sa tw #homophobia tw #long post

[farmerlesbian]

I hear older generations that refer to the community as the gay community, because gay was always a catchall. Lesbian was a catchall for all wlw and built by all wlw (so the term included bisexuals). This generation grew up with queer as a slur and most seem to hate it. This generation grew up with the culture fight with radical feminists that hate trans folks, bi folks, and sexual feelings (see: "political lesbian"). My generation got all the alphabet soup (LGBTQIA etc) and eventually rejected it. But gay was a slur for us, so we started going with queer. But I don't think my generation got quite the "community" experience - in part because so many elders will killed by AIDS, in part because society changed and got rid of a lot of "third places".

Then the younger generation, which had the internet in high school and stuff, started building queer community over the internet, which is so genuinely cool!! Other shifts started happening, this generation started using the word sapphic for wlw, with a lot of rhetoric over whether bi women can call themselves lesbian - which to the generation above me, sounds a lot like the radical feminist push out bisexuals entirely, which bisexuals had always been included as lesbians. It really is wild. All I ask is that everyone take the time to learn gay/LGBT/queer history, how terms came to be, how communities were developed. We're not always going to agree on terminology, we have very different types of pain.

I'm begging everyone to take these disagreements with an attempt to understand. Because there are people who hate us no matter what we call ourselves, and those are the people we need to be fighting - not our siblings who use terms a little differently.

yeah totally! Thank you for sharing!

#ask farmer lesbian #anonymous #labels #identity #slur reclamation

[demonic-shadowlucifer]

Let's talk about Radical Feminists and TERFs: Another collection of hate.

(Content Warning: Pretty much everything, but especially transmisia, particularly transmisogyny, eugenics and other Nazi rhetoric, racism, intersexism, slur usage, mentions of not sfw topics/not sfw sentences and mentions of sexual assault. Reader discretion is especially advised on this, as this is probably one of the most triggering posts I've ever created). Additional Disclaimer: Like with my "Let's Talk about Exclusionists" post, I've collected multiple screenshots of the horrid things TERFs and other Radfems have said or done. Not all of those screenshots are mine, some of them are things I have found on the web. Credits to especially radfemstruggles (Twitter), terfism-harms-women, terf-cringe and other anti-terf pages/blogs I've found these on. As always, I don't condone harassment. Just because someone is a TERF doesn't give you the right to harass them, especially considering a good chunk of TERFs I've noticed are literal teenagers (of course, that never excuses their actions). Just report them and block. Pride month is over, but that doesn't mean queer folks are going away.

However, neither are the bigots, and especially not the TERFs. Nope. They're still out there and as harmful as ever. "Now, wait a minute Shadow. What even *IS* a TERF anyway?" Well, you're gonna be in for one hell of a ride, so buckle up sunshine.

TERF is short for Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Put simply, Transphobic "feminists". TERFs align themselves with Radical Feminism- Radfem for short, a very extreme branch of feminism. However, not every Radfem is a TERF, though Radfems are still best to be avoided due to their extreme ideology. (Likewise, not every feminist is a Radfem, let alone a TERF). How to Identify a TERF: Common Dogwhistles and Nicknames. TERFs won't call themselves a TERF by themselves. In fact, some consider the term to be a slur (News flash: no it is fucking not lmfao). There are many dogwhistles, and I can't fit all of them in here. However here's the most common ones: Gender Critical - a very *VERY* common identifer by TERFs. MERF - Short for Male Exclusionary Radical Feminist. It basically calls trans women men and also ignores the fact that there are, contrary to popular belief, men that are also feminists. "TERF is a slur/Cis is a slur" - A common dogwhistle. The latter is also used by transphobes in general. Misandrist/Proud Misandrist - Misandrist refers to hatred of men. The term originated from misogynists as a counter to feminism, however the term has been reclaimed by radfems. However, a good majority of folks who identify with this term are transphobic, so it should best be avoided. Womyn/Wombyn and their varients - Alternative spellings of "woman/women". Per Wikipedia, "Some writers who use such alternative spellings, avoiding the suffix "-man" or "-men", see them as an expression of female independence and a repudiation of traditions that define women by reference to a male norm." The term "womxn" is also used in some cases, however that term should not be a sole identifier, as "womxn" is also sometimes used by agender individuals. "Womyn" alone is also not a sole identifier, as there are some who try to reclaim it (that and there's also something about it being used in AAVE, but I can't find much info on that). However, "Womyn-born woman" should be an instant red flag. KAM - Short for K-ll all men (i). Even without the TERFy connections, I don't think I need to explain why this is bad. --It should also be noted that any variation of "all men are trash" is inherently TERFy, no matter how you look at it. You'll see why in a bit. Hygenic - Another term used by TERFs. It also references eugenics, explained further in this post. FebFem - Short for "Female Exclusive Bisexual Female". This term is common in TERF spaces, especially with Bi TERFs. However, there have been attempts to reclaim the term from the group. Similar groups that overlap - Should also be avoided:

SWERF - Short for Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. This group is against the objectification of women, sex trafficking and the exploitation of women in pornography. Sounds harmless right? Wrong. While it appears good intentioned at first, most SWERFs are against sex work overall, believing that women can't *truly* partake in sex work willingly. This group also overlaps with TERFs, 99% of the time, though not every SWERF is a TERF. Due to sex work being a topic that gets pretty NSFW, I won't be going over this group in this post any further outside of mentions, since I'm not qualified to talk about NSFW topics as a minor. There are, however, probably several other posts that talk about this particular group. TEHM - Short for Trans Exclusionary Homosexual Males. The same as TERFs, but with homosexual men instead of women. Enby Skeptics - A group skeptical of nonbinary identities, as shown by the name. Some TERFs may identify with this term. Longsword Lesbian/Gravity Knife Gays/Gold Star Lesbian - See here for more information regarding these groups. LGB/LGB Drop the T - A movement that claims that being Trans isn't queer. It should go without saying - TERFs aren't harmless. TERFs aren't just some weird basement dwellers on the internet. Nope. They exist *everywhere*. You know JK Rowling? She's a TERF! And probably one of the most recognizable TERFs out there (she's also a lot more bigoted beyond transphobia, so yeah). However, this post will mostly cover the online aspect of TERFism, since even the online world can seep into danger in real life. So, without further ado, let's get into the hate. Note: This post covers Radical Feminism in general, however the main focus is TERFs and similar groups. Of course, you have the transphobia, slurs and suibait.

(Image: Two Tumblr anons side by side. One word has been covered in red. One anon reads "You troons sure love playing the victim. 😂😂No won-der people can't stand you". The second reads "Hng yourself gendie". End ID).

(Image ID: An anon that reads ""They can't even say woman" Not everyone who menstruates is a woman." The reply is "Yes they are. Nonbinary isn't real, only two genders exist. Gender and sex are the same thing. Your personality and clothing preference doesn't define your sex. Your biology does. Have a good day!" End ID) ...Having pronouns is misogynistic? Really? You know women have pronouns too... right?

(Image ID: A user's twitter bio. Their username is covered. The bio reads "All I think about is karma. Pronouns in bio signify membership of misogynist cult". End ID) Seriously they're not even trying to hide the transphobia.

(Image ID: A Tumblr bio that reads "trans activism is misogyny").

(Image ID: A post from user "radfem-moira" that reads "Transwomen are men and it shows when they speak").

However, the transphobia, as despicable as it is, is not the only thing that makes TERFs dangerous. TERFs have also even went as far as to advocate for violence, as shown here.

(Image ID: A post from user "terf-vengeance" featuring artwork of an individual wearing a crop top covered in blood, reading "I punch trans activists". Below the artwork reads "Is it okay to punch transtrenders? Yes two thousand times, yes, punch them!" Also, here is something I've noticed. Notice how Radfems talk about abuse, particularly sexual abuse. In conversations regarding such a topic, women are usually brought up as the victims. Male victims are almost never mentioned, and when you bring them up they accuse you of not caring about male victims because you brought them up when talking about women. Well, you might not think much of it, but it goes deeper than just misinformation and being insensitive. TERFs don't care about male victims either. In fact, they don't care about sexual assault survivors at all if you look hard enough. In fact, if the victim is a male, they actually *encourage* it. And will sometimes admit to even *wanting* to do the same thing to men. Here's one *literally* repeating a common misogynistic argument, but with men at the focus.

(Image ID: A Twitter post with the individual's username and profile picture covered. The post reads "Males are only tools for sex and labor. THATS IT". End ID). ...this post makes me sick just by looking at it alone.

(Image ID: A Twitter post from a person named "aoi". Some information is covered. The post reads "Young boys are degenerates beyond any help. I wouldn't even oppose them getting their ass rped by grown men (they deserve that) if it wasn't for the risk that other grown ass men would also start to advocate for pedophilia on girls. I can't care less about boys". End ID). And this one is even *worse*

(Image ID: A Tumblr post featuring an anon asking "What are your thoughts on male sex workers?". The reply is "Male "sex workers" make up an incredibly tiny amount of "sex workers", and while I think prostituted men deserve to get out of it as well, they're pimped and rped by men, which makes it a male-on-male issue and not a priority for feminists"). The point of feminism is gender equality for ALL and fighting the patriarchy. This however is not feminism. This only shows that you don't actually care about gender equality. Here's one straight up admitting to want to abuse people.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post with the individual's name blacked out. The post reads "i won't lie the urge to manipulate, gaslight and psychologically torture a man and lead him to suicide has been festering inside me for a while now. studying psychology too, i genuinely think i could pull it off. they grow attachments very easily and if i could just find one that was already mentally ill i think i could do it easily". End ID). ...All I'm gonna say about that one is that I hope this individual never EVER gets into a relationship or has kids, and if they're already in a relationship I genuinely feel sorry for their partner and I hope said partner leaves them. And here's someone who sent a sexual assault wish to a literal *minor* (And when called out on it they said the screenshot was "fake").

(Image ID: Two Tumblr convos side by side, both have two messages, the first one reads, from stopglorifyingkillers, "I never called you a pedo, please point out where I had.". itchy-astroterf replies with "I hope your stupidity and misguided trust in trans gets you rped. Maybe then you'll see my fucking point.". The next convo reads, the first message from actuallyabused, "ah yes, you totally dont want anyone to get rped.". To which itchy-astroterf replies with "That's copyshopped, you dingus".) Oh yeah. You know how TERFs argue that "Trans women are predatory"? Well... about that. (Full post here - CW: Pedophilia, sexual assault, ableism, uncensored slur).

(Image ID: Three posts from Tumblr user "homohooker". Reading, in this order, "You look beautiful with makeup on !", "You're so cute 😍😍😍 but this isn't gay babes this would be straight" and "Its a sexual orientation like being lesbian or gay lol you're a fucking"- the final word is blanked out. Next to the username reads either "taling to a minor" or "talking about pedophilia" in red text. End ID).

(Image ID: A Tumblr User's bio reading "Right back at it again" in bold black text. Below it reads "Riley, 21, femle, lesbian, map, kids can consent, men aren't lesbians". End ID) This one wasn't in the post but it's from the same person sooo.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post that reads "ok but who doesn't think 12-17 year old girls are cute". End ID) Honestly, it's posts like these that make me *really* hope it's a troll. Also, let's not ignore the fact that TERFs and Radfems are more than transphobic. In fact, they can be other kinds of bigoted for example. Arophobia and biphobia in ONE.

(Image ID: A tumblr post from user "guncase". The post reads "Men cannot love. It is not in their nature to stay monogamous. You can look at the Bible, you can look at recorded history, you can look at present day - you can even look at your own experiences with men. Their love is one sided. They only love themselves, and not even each other. Find love within yourselves, your fellow women, and keep it safe, because the minute you let a Man find that love, the minute you lose it.") More biphobic crap. (I should also add that there is a huge debate in radfem spaces on whether or not bisexual women are welcome or if their "traitors", just throwing that out there).

(Image ID: Two Tumblr posts/asks with usernames censored. The posts read, respectively, "because your nullye! stop making thousands of fucking accounds and talking to yourself. go d homophobe" and "first off you're female and if you said that you're actually dating a man that makes you fucking hetero. I really doubt that you're actually dating".) I'd also like to add I had to censor an anti-schizophrenic slur in the first one, so there's that.

(Image ID: A Tumblr ask from an anonymous user. The ask reads "I hope you di in a violent and torturous way. I hope your genitals get mutilated. You are a disgusting person for even liking a male. Fuck you." End ID). And let's not forget the intersexism! (Disclaimer: Using it/it's pronouns is valid. Using "it" to describe *all* intersex people however... is shitty).

(Image ID: A Twitter post from an individual who's name is censored. The post reads "If you have XX chromosomes your pronouns are she, if you have XY chromosomes your pronouns are he. If you're intersex your pronouns are it. No way in hell I'm calling an intersex thing 'she'. You are not to appropriate my gender") Oh speaking of ableism, a lot of TERFs can be pretty fucking ableist too. ...Towards each other.

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "femaleinsight". The post reads "i hope all autistic men fucking di the most painful fucking death that could ever be experienced on this earth. signed, a tired autistic woman <3") (First of all, what is it with disabled/neurodivergent terfs and wanting their own kind *dead*?) ...And some can also be PRETTY FUCKING RACIST :D (Had to censor the n-word in this one).

(Image ID: A Twitter post that reads "You know saying TERF to someone is like calling someone a ner. Which are terms that are insults and pejorative"). For context, MENA is short for Middle East and North Africa. Make what you will of this screenshot.

(Image ID: A Twitter post that reads "if you see me with a machete randomly k*ll*ng mena males mind your business").

And sometimes, two and two can actually go together! A while back, I reblogged a that talked about TERFs using the word "hygienic" to mean "cis", like this individual shown below (Edit: link and reblog removed since OP fit my DNI + one of the folks adding to it was hacked and became a scambot, and I'd rather not expose people to that).

(Image ID: A Tumblr post from user "dykexy" that reads "petition to change the word "cis" to "hygienic"". End ID) Now you might be wondering, why am I bringing it up again? Well, someone in the comments of said post mentioned that it reminded them of "Racial Hygiene". Now, what is "Racial Hygiene"? Well... according to Wikipedia, it refers to "an approach to eugenics in the early 20th century, which found its most extensive implementation in Nazi Germany (Nazi eugenics)." So basically, it's eugenics. Specifically, Nazi eugenics. And with TERFs using the term "hygienic", they're saying that Trans people are inherently dirty by genetics. You might think this is a reach, but with everything shown here, there's clearly more to it.

Then again, what else do you expect from folks who do *this*

(Image ID: A Twitter post that reads "I'm not really going to spend another Saturday taking photos of trans people and running them through the sex-change filter on FaceApp to see what they looked like before, am i? I am". End ID) And act hypocritical (TERFS: "Trans women fetishize real women!" Also TERFS:)

(Image ID: A Twitter post that reads "It is so weird to me when trans people show a "before and after" when they get their first binder. If you have bad enough chest dysphoria to buy a binder in the first place, why are you showing the whole internet your tits?" End ID) And make nonsensical posts/replies like THIS.

(Image ID: A Twitter user replying to a post that reads "Me and my good friend texting about the #BodyBlitz thing: "People need to get used to gender non-conforming bodies"". The reply reads "Gee, so you are in favor of rpe culture? Telling women to "get used" to rpists and perverts in women's spaces? Really?" End ID) Seriously. Don't let the "feminist" label fool you. TERFs and Radfems do not care about gender equality or women's rights. They are using the feminist label and women's rights as an excuse for their transphobia and other bigotry. They do not care about sexual assault survivors. They do not care about women of color. They do not care about disabled women. In fact, they only advocate for the very abuse they claim to be against. They advocate for the racism and nazism they claim to be against. Don't let them fool you.

Other posts talking about TERFs, Radfems and the like, as well as additional resources: Caelan Conrad's "Gender Critical" series. A bunch of Jessie Gender videos on TERFs and Gender Criticals. The TERF to Fascist Pipeline by Kayley Whalen. The FASCIST Links Of Anti-Trans Activism Exposed by Owen Jones. Tips for Allies of Transgender People. How Can I support someone who's Trans or Nonbinary? Shinigami Eyes - A browser extension that detects anti-trans content.

#lets talk about stuff #anti exclusionist series #general tw #tw violence #tw transphobes #op is a minor #transmeds dni #exclus dni #transgender #nonbinary #lgbtq #trans rights are human rights #trans rights #trans women are women #trans men are men #intersex #xenogender #genderfluid #genderqueer #queer

[wherefore-whinnies]

I have been thinking so much lately about how binaries like straight relationships vs gay relationships or cis vs trans or aspec vs allo or even white vs non-white are all just complete bullshit actually and feeding into them with your activism really does not help anybody.

like at least at this point lots of people in my circles know the men vs non-men stuff is trash and mostly just repackaged radfem rhetoric right. honestly all of these are in some way. they're just used to perpetuate new forms of exclusionism and new forms of normativity.

"ew straight relationships" and sentiments like "lol I forgot women can date men" aren't progressive or cool. it's putting down tons of queer people who are in straight relationships or relationships that appear straight. bi people, trans people, genderfluid people, aspec people, multigender people, lots more. "oh but I don't mean *those* queer people!" well people don't have to explain or prove their identities to you. it's none of your business. your activism *has* to include straight people because other people's identities are none of your business and you *cannot* know what the identities of the people involved are unless they choose to share it with you and they have no obligation to. forever expanding the scope of "cis het allo perisex etc. etc. etc." on and on and on will always be limiting.

"lol I forgot not all men have x body part associated with afab people" isn't progressive or cool. it's excluding trans people who choose to have certain kinds of gender-affirming surgery, for one. I imagine it also excludes some intersex conditions.

making jokes about strangers being eggs because they appear male-presenting and like flowery deodorant scents isn't progressive or cool. it is literally gender essentialism. it doesn't become cool to shove people into boxes just because you think they're now the "right" boxes.

I know I've done this a lot but I don't think talking about things "the allos" do in those terms is useful or helpful either. I mean even in all the posts I make about them I end up putting in footnotes like "so many aspecs do this shit too". so literally what is the point. it's really not helpful to be putting down allo experiences on the basis of people being allo when the a spectrums are so varied that every allo experience can also be an aspec experience.

and even white vs non-white is not a simple binary, as I've learned from some of my mutuals. mixed people exist. talking about whether someone is "[non-white] enough" just harms people and is just more exclusionism.

idk man subscribing to the notion that all these things are binaries seems immensely unhelpful to what we are supposed to be actually trying to accomplish which is letting people just be themselves and do whatever they want and label themselves however they want forever (I understand this is more complicated when it comes to race). so what if that also helps "the straights". focus on lifting people up and not on putting putting people down. otherwise we're just going in the same circles over and over while pretending we're doing it sooooo progressively this time.

#eifie dot txt #eifie dot RAGE

[villainessbian]

Lesbians CANT be bisexual. They are literally mutually exclusive. To insist that they can is a TERF dogwhistle because they coined the term

No.

Lesbians can be whatever they want and do whatever they want and you need to learn to deal with it

TERFs are notoriously the ones who say that diverse queer identities cannot exist, not the ones who support them. Remind me, do TERFs want or acknowledge lesbian diversity? No they do not that's in fact one of the primary things they fight against.

"Bi lesbian" is predominantly used by trans women, if you want it to be even clearer with whom you stand.

If your definition of lesbianism excludes Sappho of Lesbos you're just wrong.

Literally the overwhelming majority of lesbian history is inclusive of bisexuality. Not just Sappho of Lesbos, you know, the person who got us named sapphic people and lesbians, but up to and including today. Get in a real physical queer space with an average age of more than 20, start the kind of shit you're trying to here, and see how fast people begin wondering if you're a cop. It'll get you a stern talking to at best, and kicked out at worst. Why do you want to eschew centuries of lesbian tradition for the sake of hating other queer people?

Separating lesbians from bi women is literally what TERFs did, what launched TERFs in the first place, and it only started in the 70s, see "Lesbians in Revolt" 1972 from the same old "lesbianism is just feminist praxis" separatists we keep finding in TERF circles today. Oh, they say bi women have male privilege? WHERE ELSE HAVE I HEARD THIS HMMMMMMMMM

TERFs are the first to say "lesbians can't like men" and hate on bi women, they're also the first to say that bi lesbians don't exist. Look: this is what TERFs say and think. Overtly. Openly. In front of everyone.

So if you actually care even just a little about not siding with TERFs, or about defending lesbian integrity and history, just stop. Look at where we come from. See how despite the flaws in our history, we have those too, we were placed in front of the LGBT+ - previously GLBT - acronym, because of the good we did. Don't tarnish that mark by arguing for people to be kicked off of queer communities because their definition doesn't fit what a tiktok user read on a carrd written by a kid probably raised by a TERF. None of us are defined by what we aren't allowed to do by the High Queer Authorities. Our communities are always going to be diverse, messy, overlapping, complex, sometimes hard to describe in a single phrase, and that's good. That's what being alive is. That's what being part of a community is. We're not fandom characters to argue about, and we don't need that in-fighting.

#cw terf #transphobia #biphobia #tiring discourse

[ftmtftm]

(Anon who asked what butchflight meant) ohhh ok, thank you for clarifying! I've seen that argument (minus the term) a lot before, what's wild about it is butch sapphics have had massive overlap with transmasc people since forever, I've seen more unity with butches and every type of transmasc rather to someone being "lost" to a group.

I used to have no exposure to sapphic concepts, but after coming out and after some aspects of transition, it was largely butches that took me under their wing to teach me masc things, and at this point, even though I can like a lot of varied people romantically, I have more community/kinship etc with your average sapphic butch than most of the rest of the queer community, people trying to put a distinct line between butch people and trans people is wild. Not to even mention how there are always new butches who are transfem.

Genuinely, the reason why the fact that our communities have always overlapped but are now often externally set at odds with each other is because of radical feminism, lesbian separatism, and to a lesser but still present impact political lesbianism!!!

All three of those movements were/are generally speaking very anti-masculinity and anti-manhood, and subsequently also anti-butch because they view butch identity as toeing the line. Though they're sometimes kind of on the fence about butches as long as they don't cross an invisible ever changing line between womanhood and expressing too much masculinity in the wrong way.

To those movements trans men are gender traitors and butches are on thin ice. If you're a butch who realizes you're a trans man or that your relationship with womanhood isn't as binary as they want it to be, you're not allowed in the club anymore. BUT they still kind of want the butches they like to stay in the club because they want to tokenize them.

The thing that makes it hard to talk about sometimes though is the way hate movements steal language and redefine it. To those movements any afab masculine person that identifies outside of womanhood is a lost butch that is flying away from perfect and oppressed womanhood into flawed and oppressor manhood, not just people who actually identify as butch.

Like, I'm a gay trans man who generally speaking has very little but layered and nuanced attraction to women and never identified as a lesbian, bi woman, or sapphic in any capacity before coming out. Even still my own mother tried to convince me that I could just be happy as a masculine woman and lamented about how masculine women aren't allowed to exist anymore when I came out!!!! That's just how pervasive butch flight rhetoric is!!!!

Like, let's be clear - It's generally not the butches themselves perpetuating the rhetoric, it's the people who view butches as objects perpetuating the rhetoric. (like, sometimes it can be the butches themselves but usually? it's really not!)

#anon #asks #butchphobia #transandrophobia #butch flight

[opinated-user]

You know, before Lily's Steven Universe video came out, I remember watching a stream of hers where she was editing it together, repeatedly doing takes to sound angrier and angrier about things. But the thing that turned me off of her and her content wasn't that. I never believed her shrieking was genuine, I had always seen it as performance meant to be comedic. What turned me off of her was her shit talking another content creator, SF Debris. Why? Because he has always been open about the fact that while he understands what women are and aren't aesthetically pleasing in traditional senses, the only person he ever felt attraction to in his life is his wife, and he's never had any desire to have romance with anyone else. Also it took him about five years to realize he was attracted to and in love with the woman he then asked out and ended up married to.

Now, to anyone else on Earth, there's nothing offensive about any of that. While SF Debris has never used any labels to describe himself or identified as such, a lot of his viewers think of him as being on the ace spectrum. Lily, though, has one major disagreement with him, which is that her least favorite Star Trek series is his favorite and her favorite series, he calls out for dismissing murder when it's done by the good guys.

So Lily went off on a tangent when someone (who presumably didn't know Lily hates being recommended things and cannot be rational about someone else liking/disliking a thing she dislikes/likes) recommended she watch his video on the Star Trek Deep Space 9 episode Profit and Lace, in which he tears apart the transphobia of the episode and the grossness of how that episode handles misogyny and feminism, and Lily. lost. her. shit. She went on a rant about how SF Debris isn't really LGBT (he's never claimed to be) and he's lying about his supposed lack of sexual attraction and everyone wants to fuck. That's a phrase she used that really made me uncomfortable. Everyone wants to fuck. He must be lying when he says he's not interested in having sex with anyone other than this one person. It must be virtue signalling, it must be lying, it's manipulation, he's manipulating the audience by playing an unrealistic saintly persona, and the kicker, that he's probably sleeping with underage fans.

I'm not ace, but I know a lot of ace people, and I just found that so uncomfortable, this idea that they're all lying, that they're trying to trick you so they can sleep with you. I'm trans and that's what people in my country say about trans men and trans women and often nonbinary people, too. Queer people (which I count him as, even if he has not used the term for himself) aren't lying to you in order to get into your pants. Queer people aren't secret predators. If you don't like SF Debris' videos, that's fine. I dislike most of his Gundam videos and I don't think his Enterprise analyses were very good or in-depth. That doesn't mean he's lying about his sexuality so he can fuck people and it especially doesn't mean he's suddenly into children! And it's even worse in context because his twin sons are disabled and he's mentioned worrying about protecting them from predators because the stats for abuse from people outside the family are much higher for disabled kids. She saw a queer-ish man and declared him a predator even though fear of predators is something that plagues him to this day due to his kids' disabilities. She saw an ace-ish person and declared them a liar automatically.

I don't like Lily. She's still trans and bi. I don't like Keffals. She's still trans. I don't like my Intro To Buddhism professor, he's still gay. People don't become liars once you dislike them. And while I do believe Lily is a predator, that took years of evidence to make me believe, I didn't go from "I don't like her content" to "she's a pedo" because those two things are not related. Your gender, sexual orientation, romantic orientation or lack of those things are unrelated to your actions, and it is predatory action that shows us who a predator is.

That was the day I quit watching Lily's videos. The way she talked about this guy who is on the ace spectrum was so fucked up that I couldn't excuse it or rationalize it away. Because it wasn't recorded, I'm sure she'd deny it ever happened. But the way she said "everyone wants to fuck" as if it was written in Scripture or an undeniable fact is burned into my memory. It was said with the certainty that queerphobes have when they say "there are two genders" or "you can't change your gender". It was said with the same 'you're ridiculous for suggesting otherwise' dismissiveness and disgust.

Ace people, you are valid. Demi people, you are valid. If you are only very rarely or never attracted to someone and never or rarely feel romantic connections with people, that is not a lie and you are not secretly gross or bad or wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone not being into sex or romance and it's not a character flaw of any kind.

I've been noticing an uptick in TERFs and radfems saying men can't be ace lately, that that's a trap meant to lure you into sex with them. So maybe that's why this is on my mind lately. It's so much like her take on this guy that when I hear aphobia I think of Lily.

I'm not ace but my heart breaks for ace people. Just for living their lives and being honest they're viewed as predatory liars.

You'd think a trans woman would know better than to treat others that way.

i'm going to go ahead and also assume that person has never interacted with LO or spoke a word to her. that's some serious unhealthy level of projection that LO really needs to work on.

#lily orchard

[wandanatss]

so, i see i'm getting quite a bit of anon hate for my answer about my dni list. i want to clear things up.

firstly, stop sending shit into my inbox. i won't hesitate to switch off anon. show your faces if you're really that brave.

secondly, male and bi lesbians exist.

note that gender and sexuality is fluid. it can change, your identity can change. all bold text had been bolded by me, all edits or additions made by me have been marked. tl;drs/summaries are my own.

on male lesbians (tl;dr below):

Postmodernism's questioning of sex and gender categories led to the consideration of innovative sexualities, such as male lesbians (Zita, 1992). Although she was against the idea largely because bodies and the history of bodies cannot be negated, Zita suggested that in postmodernity, the body is not the basis of identity, but rather the body is multivocal, a shifting form without boundaries, a perspective from which to view multiple realities, thus contesting sex categories, making them all transitive, and making possible male lesbians. - Trans Toronto: An Oral History. [x]

I remembered what it was like to walk a gauntlet of strangers who stare—their eyes angry, confused, intrigued. Woman or man: they are outraged that I confuse them. The punishment will follow. The only recognition I can find in their eyes is that I am “other.” I am different. I will always be different. I will never be able to nestle my skin against the comfort of sameness. ― Leslie Feinberg (as Jess Goldberg's character), Stone Butch Blues [amazon][goodreads][pdf]

could also consider reading this for further insight.

tl;dr - male lesbians are often those who feel their body would be better off if it were of an afab person/wish to be "born a girl". they often experience m/f (male/female) attraction in a queer way. i am obviously not speaking for all here, please find someone to talk to about it yourself! :)

on bi lesbians (tl;dr below):

This term can be used by women and non-binary individuals who use the split attraction model and are bisexual/biromantic/etc. and homo-[romantic/sexual]* (lesbian) or an individual who experiences lesbian tertiary attraction. They have one form of attraction to two or more genders but are only attracted to women via another form of attraction. They may find themselves sexually attracted to men, but could never picture themselves in a relationship with one, putting more emphasis on their attraction to women, though this varies from an individual to an individual. It can also be used by individuals who identify as both bisexual and lesbian, either due to changing attraction (such as abrosexuality), or due being part of a plural system, such as having a different sexuality when fronting, or being in a median system where one member somewhat experiences their headmate(s)' attraction(s). sexuality wiki. *part in square brackets [...] added by me for needed context or reference.

1) systems who use a "general" identity label that's a combination of everyone's identity exist and deserve to use labels 2) fused headmates (people in systems who are the result of two or more headmates combining/fusing) exist 3) multigender[/bigender]* people exist and deserve to use labels. multigender people who are both a man and a woman exist, and they have the right to use labels that suit them. they should not have to be made to feel like they can't call themself xyz because they're x gender. you either support nonbinary people or you don't. 4) people with fluid attraction exist. they should not have to be made to feel like their label choices are wrong bi lesbians carrd. *part in square brackets [...] added by me for needed context or reference.

also consider taking a look at the previous holder of the bi-lesbians carrd (as linked and explained in the above link) for more information.

tl;dr - bi lesbians can be women or nonbinary/genderqueer people whose identity lies in the labels of "homoromantic bisexual"; "homosexual biromantic"; may be part of a plural system; may be or may be attracted to a multigender/bigender person and may require such a label to define their attraction with regards to gender(s); or for other reasons entirely. again, i am not speaking for all bi lesbians, talk to one yourself about it. :)

thank you. all terfs, bigots and dickheads please fuck off. everyone else, have a nice day. remember, nobody owes you an explanation for their sexuality. and don't forget, i am simply a nice fandom blog with a whole entire person behind it with, like, feelings and emotions and stuff (unfortunately).

#about me #queer #lesbian #lesbians #bi lesbian #male lesbian #queerness #pride #angry #not mcu

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Do Better Bi Us is a campaign to call out biphobia and bi-erasure and provide clarity on how the gay and straight communities can better support the bisexual community.

It was started by activists Lois Shearing at the start of 2018. Currently, it has existed as a hashtag on twitter, appeared in articles, and even been one of the rallying cries used in the First Bi Float project, which organised the first bi pride float to ever appear in London Pride.

Why a manifesto?

The Do Better Bi Us manifesto aims to clearly lay out ways in which anyone can help to combat biphobia and bi-erasure. It offers practical steps that anyone can and should take in their daily life to make the world a better place for bisexual people.

The bisexual community is facing many critical threats to our health, well-being and safety, including; higher rates of sexual violence, higher rates of mental illness, high rates of poverty, and lower coming out rates. The manifesto outlines how and why we need allies to help us combat these issues.

The manifesto

The bisexual community is currently facing many serious issues and threats to our existence, including; worse mental health statistics than gay or staight (monosexual) comunities, an increased likelihood of living in poverty or going hungry, and bisexual women (cis and trans) are more at risk of sexual violence than monosexual women.

Double discrimination (discrimination from both heteronormative society and from within the rainbow community) and marginalisation are both at least partial causes of all these issues.

To counter the discrimination and isolation the bisexual community experiences, we as representatives of the bisexual community, are putting forward these demands.

We demand funding for bi-specific resources. Including:

Specific funding for the 61% - 75% of bisexual women who are survivors of rape and intimate partner violence

Funding for training resources and materials specific to bisexual issues, especially in mental health, rape crisis, and survivor support services

Funding for bisexual refugees, who are disproportionately affected by the government’s current LGBT+ refugee policy

Employing and fairly compensating bisexual people (especially trans bisexuals and bisexuals of colour) to create resources/articles/art/etc on themes of bisexuality by those in positions to do so

We demand acknowledgement of bisexuality as its own distinct community, with unique needs. Including:

Separating bisexuals from heterosexuals/homosexuals in research whenever possible

Specifically including biphobia alongside homophobia/transphobia in codes of conduct/resources/discussion and all other relevant instances

Acknowledging bisexual-specific issues, including double discrimination, in articles, publications, and resources on LGBT+ issues

Acknowledging in all relevant discussions/articles/resources/books that bisexual people and bisexuality have always existed and been a part of LGBT+ culture, history, and struggles even before the popularisation of the term

We demand the use of bi-inclusive language, especially from LGBT+ organisations and others claiming to represent the community. Including:

Avoiding erasing bisexuality in your language by using phrases like ‘different-gender relationship/marriage/union’ and ‘same/similar-gender relationship/marriage/union’ in place of ‘straight/heterosexual’ relationship/marriage/union’ or ‘gay/lesbian relationship/marriage/union’.

Avoiding using binary language like ‘gay or/and straight’ when you are referring to ‘heterosexual or/and non-heterosexual’

Avoiding using ‘gay’ as an term to describe the whole LGBT+ community

Never using terms like “gold-star lesbian/gay”, “at least bisexual, if not gay”, “has had gay/lesbian relations in the past but is not married to a [different gender partner]” - as these all infer bisexuality is less queer/valid than homosexuality

We demand acknowledgement that bisexuality has always existed across communities of all genders, classes, races, and backgrounds. Including:

Always using definitions of bisexuality put forward by reputable bisexual organisations/individuals such as;

Attracted to two or more genders

Attracted to similar and different genders

Attraction beyond gender

Acknowledging that bisexuality isn’t now and never has excluded people of non-binary genders

Acknowledging that many trans and non-binary people identify as bisexual

Acknowledging that many bisexual-identified people are also asexual

Acknowledging that bisexual people in different-gender relationships/marriages are still part of the LGBT+ community and should be welcome at all LGBT+ events/spaces

We demand real, actionable solidarity. Including:

Calling out biphobia and bi-erasure when you come across them

Reaching out to, and working with bisexual organisations/individuals to make your space/event/company/etc actually accessible, safe, and welcoming for bisexual people, especially, spaces/events/companies that represent the LGBT+ community

Making sure to include bisexual people/bisexuality in all media about the LGBT+ community

Making sure bisexual people/bisexuality are fairly and positively represented at all Pride events

Acknowledging bisexuality in all relevant discussions, but particularly in regards to bisexual celebrities/activists

Calling out when bisexual people are held a higher standard of queerness, by being asked/demanded to prove our credentials/dating history

Overall, we demand respect for our identity, history, culture and solidarity in empowering and uplifting our community. We demand an end to biphobia, bi-erasure, and monosexism.

Biphobia kills. You can help combat it.

Acknowledgements

The Do Better Bi Us Manifesto was written and created by Lois Shearing, Founder of the Do Better Bi Us campaign, with contributions from:

Pip Williams, bisexual activist

Libby Baxter-Williams, Director of Biscuit

Sally-Anne Williams, Doctoral researcher in sexual violence against bisexual women

Stephanie Farnsworth, editor in chief of Stand Up mag

The Bisexual Survivors Network

Further reading

Articles

Bisexual women are more likely to face abuse – and no one is asking why

Why Bisexuals are Way Less Likely To Come out of The Closet than Gays

Young bisexual men are the least likely to have come out, triple j survey finds

Legally Bi: Bi Erasure in LGBT-Rights Litigation

Legally Bi: A Brief History of Bi Erasure in LGBT Political Discourse

Bisexual people have higher risk of developing mental health issues, says report

Bisexual people have higher risk of developing mental health issues, says report

Bisexuals more likely to live in poverty or have poor health

STUDY: Bisexuals Have Worse Health Than Gay, Lesbian, or Straight People

Bisexuals Lack Support — and It’s Literally Killing Us

Are Bisexuals Shut Out of the LGBT Club?

It may not 'get better' for bisexual teens

Reports

Report of the Independent Expert on protection against violence and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity

The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey

Women most at risk of experiencing partner abuse in England and Wales: years ending March 2015 to 2017

Invisible Majority: The Disparities Facing Bisexual People and How to Remedy Them

The Bissexuality report

Kaleidoscope Trust: "Specific experiences of lesbian and bisexual women rendered invisible"

Bisexuals need not apply: a comparative appraisal of refugee law and policy in Canada, the United States, and Australia

Bisexual asylum seeker facing imminent deportation from UK to Jamaica

INVESTIGATING THE BRITISH ASYLUM SYSTEM FOR LESBIAN, GAY AND BISEXUAL ASYLUM - SEEKERS: THEORETICAL AND EMPIRICAL PERSPECTIVES ON FAIRNESS

A New Piece of the Puzzle: Sexual Orientation, Gender, and Physical Health Status

Webpages

Bisexual Health Awareness Month: Mental Health in the Bisexual Community

HEALTH DISPARITIES AMONG BISEXUAL PEOPLE

Supporting and Caring for our Bisexual Youth

What is Biphobia?

Books

Covering

Purple Prose

The Bible

Notes for a bisexual revolution

#bi visibility #bisexual visibility month #bisexual visibility #bisexuality #bisexual community #lgbtq community #lgbtq #bi #support bisexuality #lgbtq pride #pride #bi tumblr #bisexuality is valid #bisexual #bi pride #bisexual nation #bisexual pride #bisexual education #bisexual youth #support bisexual people #bisexual men #respect bisexual people #bisexual rights #bisexual woman #bisexual people

[ghastmaskzombie]

this blog is a safe place

this blog is safe for queers of all kinds: it is safe for gay men and lesbians, for bi and pan people, for aro and ace people, for allosexual aromantics and alloromantic asexuals, for polyamorous people, for trans people and nonbinary people, agender and pangender and genderfluid and others i haven’t heard of, for he/him women and she/her men, for cis people with unconventional gender presentation who are tired of being called ‘eggs’, for two-spirit people, and probably for someone else i haven’t thought of.

this blog is safe for people of all faiths and races and nationalities. it is safe for people white or black, asian, indian, hispanic, the natives peoples of all places, and anyone else i may have missed. for people atheist, christian, jewish, muslim, hindu, buddhist, sikh, for believers of obscure mysticisms and religions most think of as old mythology, and so on.

this blog will never condemn ordinary people for the actions of the governments that have authority over them or the religious institutions that have indoctrinated them. i have no ill will for the collective populaces or the individual people of red states and conservative nations, or common believers of historically destructive christian denominations and the like (i can’t just condemn every catholic now, can i?). some people are kind gears in cruel machines.

this blog is safe for people with neurodivergences and mental illnesses that are stigmatised and demonised even among people familiar with psychiatric ableism (is there a proper term for that?). i don’t know what many of those are but suffice it to say i’m working to scrub words like ‘psychopath’ and ‘narcissist’ from my casual vocabulary.

i will not interact with bigots or exclusionists on this blog in any way. i will never subject my followers to the sight of a debate about the validity of their existence, no matter how well i think i or anyone else can defend them. this blog will not share bad opinions for the sake of mocking them, or attempt to ‘own’ someone trying to make a point that doesn’t deserve consideration to begin with.

if it’s ever necessary, i will attempt to resolve conflicts privately, where they are not seen, such as in DMs. this is civility, not cowardice. anyone trying to get me to argue with them on a public post will be given this warning once, then blocked. (not that anything like that’s ever happened to me, anyway.)

this blog does not confuse doomscrolling for activism; it will not reblog out of guilt. there is a time and place to learn about the horrors of current events and i don’t know when that time is but my silly little blog is not the place.

this blog attempts to tag common triggers and phobias* and gets the obvious ones right sometimes, but i don’t know what i’m doing so always feel free to ask for your triggers to be tagged.

this post will be edited as time goes on, as i learn new things and i remember things i’ve forgotten to mention and i think of better ways to say what i’ve already said. this post takes suggestions. i think everyone who isn’t perfectly privileged is a little bit afraid that someone will claim to be safe and inclusive but then turn around and say “no, but not you,” when it really counts. i never want to be the source of that fear. i want you to know that you (yes, you), are safe here, and what ‘safe’ means when i say it.

*i use “#[trigger] cw” as my standard syntax for these tags

...Gosh, this post needs an update. I'll work on that.

#is my autism showing? #i said i'd use my extreme forthrightness for good and i meant it

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

ok so since it’s apparently international nb day, i thought i’d make a lil post talking about how discovering my own nb identity has changed my life for the better over the past 2 odd years!

the thing is, i’ve always felt like my relationship to my gender never quite fitted into the norm... like, i never had a problem with being a girl or woman, per say, but the things that were expected of afab people from a young age did always rub me the wrong way, but i kinda just chalked that down to ‘patriarchal shit sucks’ rather than anything about me personally... (and don’t get me wrong, a lot of my issues w/ expectations on any gender does boil down to the patriarchy, but there was definitely something more personal going on too...)

but then, like a lot of people, 2 years ago the you-know-what happened and we were all in lockdown, and i began to contemplate my gender in a way that i hadn’t really considered before... i noted how i had tried for so long to ‘fit in’ to pre-conceived ideas of womanhood (i wore makeup, i had long hair, etc) , only to end up feeling empty and wrong when i never could quite be ‘girl’ enough... 

i also noticed how my relationship with things that were unnecessarily gendered made me not just frustrated (which i imagine a good portion of people feel when they see the kinda ‘blue is for boys/pink is for girls’ mentality) but genuinely and deeply angry! angry at these arbitrary boxes society tries to put us in when all we wanna fucking do is live lol...

and it’s not like i’d never heard of non-binary genders before this point, but much like before i knew i was bi, i always saw it as something other from me... 

other people were trans and nb and genderfluid and agender etcetc, but not me... i felt like by admitting it i would be invalidating my attraction to women (something i had already struggled with coming to terms with as it was), or that i’d be betraying women in some way (which i know is completely ridiculous lol...), so i just kept up the ‘girl’ façade, until i couldn’t do it any longer...

see, i cut my hair short for the first time in my life in 2019, and although i ofc don’t think short hair = unfeminine, there was something in that when i cut it for the first time i just felt so completely myself that i hadn’t felt for... maybe ever lol?? and there was something in me doing it myself (which i still do cos ain’t nobody got time or money to be going to the hairdressers every few weeks lol) that felt so freeing!! and even though at that point i hadn’t really started to question my gender fully, i think it was definitely the turning point where i realised that my body was my own to shape into what made me feel the most comfortable...

now i won’t bore u with all my other gender discovery moments, but just know that once i began to strip away the expectations of my assigned gender, i began to feel so much more at home in my body...

and like yeh, i still have days where i struggle with how i feel about my gender, i still have that shame and guilt that i know so many other queer people feel all the time... but i am proud of being nb and for finally being able to just be me, without those expectations and preconceived ideas!

and i have to say that i wouldn’t feel like this if it weren’t for the amazing fellow nb people on here who helped me over the past couple years as i was struggling with my gender identity so shout out to you guys <3 

#personal #international non-binary day #non-binary #nb #this is rly wordy and i didnt rly know how to finish it in a decent way but.... happy nb day peeps! #and i'd also like to add that i'm not saying that i will always feel like this and that i will always identify as nb #but i know that at this present moment i feel so much more confident and comfortable being nb than being my agab

[keistalkin]

Dear universe, cut me some slack, please. hear me out.

i have always stuck to my guns that i was queer. in the patriarchal, homophobic society i was born and raised in, they never believed me -- not when i have a daughter and had all my major relationships with cis/bi but male-expressing men.

the only reason that i didnt have a serious wlw relationship is that the women i fell for couldnt come through and fight for me. eventually, they preferred to stay hidden, staying mysteriously single or take up with clueless male partners.

i resented it deeply -- their choice. i thought it meant that i was not worthy. that i was not worth the social backlash of entering into a same-sex relationship. i thought maybe it was because i also got attracted only to female-expressing queer women. after all, in this country where trans men and women get the major share of vitriol, "femmes" like me had the option to disappear into normativity.

so in 2021 when i fell deeply and irretrievably for a what they call "soft butch" (I'd rather say androgynous but more people use the former), i was confused and a bit terrified. it was the first time for me to feel strongly for a "butch" type, though many of that type have pursued me before. i was even a bit repelled upon seeing her for the first time (pandemic forced us into an online-only interaction for a year) -- oh my! no way, i liked my feminine curves and kikay sapphos. but despite this, i only fell for her more deeply. her SOGIE paled in comparison to her inherent luminescence - her heart and soul were too beautiful to me. and i knew, though restrained and constrained, she was drawn to me too. however, as the months passed, it became more certain that i can only love her from afar. even if i was in loving poly relationships, she was in a loving and long-term mono relationship. the usual. the story of my life.

poly people are often envied for having the "freedom" to love more than one person. but, being minority, it stands to reason that we will fall for mono people. people who cannot be with us. people who cannot choose us. because they only got one choice. because they would rather choose that choice. why? coz they cannot imagine the idea of not "owning" their partners. not even if i would propose that i spend equal time with my partners. that my love for one does not diminish my love for another. that each of them is unique and beautiful and worthy of love. it is too much. just too much.

it used to be okay. i just nursed my wounds and bounced back, never mind scars that never healed. i could never blame them for not choosing me. but now, i am asking for a concession from the universe. is this really my lot? either grant me a fighting chance or take away this feeling please.

my rejection trauma rears its ugly head every time i am with her. i alternate between affection and affected disdain. i have blocked her in all channels except for two accounts that i cannot close due to work requirements. i cannot even bring myself to touch her, even in situations when social conventions allow it. i cannot look at her for more than a few seconds at a time. i try to hide away from her gaze because while i bask in those few seconds where her eyes search out mine, i have to look away in case i see pity or something else that i dont want to see. you see, she says she doesnt want to hurt me. this is one of the reasons why i love her. her kindness ensures that her love language is service. she doesnt want to do me a disservice. she doesnt want to be unfair to me and her partner. the irony is that mono people would tear their hair out in rage to hear this. but this is an attractive quality to polys. We always respect each of our partners and show our love and support to them equitably.

so what happens now, dear universe? several times, she and i have told each other we must stay away, must not express or show affection of any kind. i have tried not speaking or even glancing at her in shared spaces. i am now trying to block communication channels to stop my expressive drunken self from telling her that i miss her. but i know, i know for sure, that if and when she meets my eyes, i will fall for her all over again.

she knows she is breaking my heart. her beautiful, altruistic self hurts for me. i want to tell her i am okay, and yes i do tell her that when she asks. she wishes for my happiness. and yes, i do find happiness in other places, things, people. i dont feel jealous or resentful at all about her partner, who is expectedly as awesome as her (awesome attracts awesome, obviously). my partners do not feel jealous of her too. but, bless her mono heart, she cannot fully grasp these complexities of being poly...yet.

yet. yes yes yes. i hold on to the 'yet'. i must be mad. but what else can i do? i dont think i can unlove her. it would be like unbreathing a breath.

[vaspider]

'only tenet of TERFism is transmisogyny' EXCUSE ME NO ITS ALL TRANS PEOPLE. They don't want any trans person to exist. What the hell.

Some people just gotta center their own suffering always, even when they're hurting other people by doing so. I've seen this a lot in younger queer folx of all stripes, this need to be the one that hurts the most, you know?

There's a reason the phrase Oppression Olympics exists, and it's because it's a common behavior or phenomenon in oppressed communities. I see it in the disability community, too.

What I think is important to understand when we talk about how trans people suffer under transphobia is that different groups are targeted differently. I'm not the first person to say this, of course.

Now, like, this is very rough sketchy stuff, and each person's individual experiences will vary, but in my general experience, the rough breakdown of the way in which transphobia lands on trans people kind of breaks down like this:

Binary trans women tend to suffer under a lens of hypervisibility. Everything they do is seen, analyzed, and torn apart. Their struggles are generally the ones centered in the arguments of allies, "allies," and transphobes. Even when trans women are the focus of helpful attention, that hypervisibility can cause exhaustion, because they need to perform perform perform, and be perfect, all the time. It's hard for trans women to just be without feeling like they're on camera, all the time. A lot of the time, they are on camera, because trans women's bodily autonomy and right to privacy are just never respected by transphobes (and often by supposed "allies" who feel free to ask the most invasive questions and get upset when trans women won't answer them), and even if they're not literally on camera, they're supposed to perform as the best examples of transfemininity, because if they don't, then they become the next 'look at this bad trans, all trans are this bad trans' example that TERFs point at and use as a broad brush to paint all trans women. If they're not perfect all the time and have a day where they snap at someone while someone is recording, or make a mistake, or anything, it has a horrible tendency to go viral. You can think of at least three instances right now off the top of your head, right? Right.

Binary trans men tend to suffer from hyperinvisibility. This comes from inside and outside the community -- a lot of trans men talk about being told they can't lead in community because they've 'got male privilege,' that their struggles are discarded, that they're talked over and unable to discuss the things they face, which means they don't get the support they need. Now, there are TERFs and transphobes who absolutely do focus their attention on trans men to the exclusion of or to the deprioritization of the oppression of trans women -- that's where we get Tavistock and Irreversible Damage and Fourth Wave Now and all the other bullshit which focuses on the idea that trans men are "transing the gay away," specifically "transing our butch lesbians" and "stealing butches." But again, generally speaking, trans men face harmful levels of invisibility where trans women face harmful levels of visibility. That's why transmascs in general have issues like lack of understanding even by supposedly trans-competent doctors as to how HRT affects our bodies, why trans men (and transmascs in general) report things like transphobes attacking them with transmisogynistic comments and assuming that every trans person online is a trans woman, etc.

Non-binary (here used as an umbrella term for all identities outside of binary man/woman, to include agender, genderfluid, non-binary, and infinite other identities) AFAB people tend to suffer from a different, very specific form of hypervisibility, unless they start to appear too masculine, and then they slip into hyperinvisibility. This is where we get things like "women and non-binary people" that codes all non-binary people as "AFAB people I can sort of squint and view as women," and people who fall into this category tend to get a lot of attention, a lot of derision from all sides of the spectrum. This is the "blue-haired tenderqueer" sneering that we get from both within and without the queer community, where there's an assumption that these people are just cosplaying an identity, that they're not really trans, etc. Having been in the visibility category and slipped into the invisibility category within the last, oh, year or so, and having two binary trans women in my family to compare notes with, the experiences are unnervingly similar. The difference between the experience that those women have had and the experience that I have had is that according to transphobes, I'm a traitor to my womanhood and performing femininity wrong and taking on a fake identity to escape female oppression because I'm not strong enough to bear up under it, but too cowardly to become a trans man, or... something, whereas they're taking on a fake identity to sneak into women's spaces because they're perverts.

Non-binary (umbrella identity etc) AMAB people tend to suffer from their own very specific form of hyperinvisibility, unless they start to present "too feminine", and then they slip into the hypervisibility which affects binary trans women, but with a little different fuckery in which everyone just assumes they're a trans woman, and therefore they get misgendered by everyone across the spectrum of queer/non-queer/etc. Non-binary AMAB people are generally treated like they don't exist, and when they are spoken about, are often discussed in the context of 'they should just admit they're trans women or gay men,' or if they present 'too feminine,' are subjected to the same sort of horrific attention that trans women get.

Again, a lot of this is very simplistic, and doesn't add in a lot of other complicating factors like race, disability, class, etc. Trans men of color, for example, can run into a different sort of hypervisibility because as they move further through their transition, they begin to be seen in the world as a man of color. It's not really mine to speak on beyond that, but I don't want to neglect saying 'this is really really simplistic and there's more to it than that' over and over.

I really hate breaking it down this simply because it feels like creating another binary (our society does like a binary!) for non-binary people, but like, I can't really talk about my shared experiences with other trans people without putting some framework around it. Someday, I'll be able to do that without categories. Wouldn't that be awesome?

I think we do our entire community a huge disservice when we talk about transphobia as if it's a single snake trying to take bites out of only one part of the community, and not a many-headed hydra, able to attack us from multiple different directions. I also think that focusing on one form of oppression keeps us from forming meaningful solidary and coalitions; the more divided we are, the easier it is for the people who literally want us all to stop existing to pick us off one by one. We see this all across the queer community and it's only ramping up as the attacks on our community escalate from without; people tend to turn on the ones closest to them when they get really scared, and to blame the person standing next to them for the pain they're suffering. It's the "close enough to hit" phenomenon, and it's why we see ridiculous things like "bi women make cis men think that lesbians can be won over," rather than acknowledging that bi women aren't the ones causing that: cis men are the ones causing that. The bi women in that case are close enough to hit. Transmascs are close enough to hit. Trans women are close enough to blame for the problems of transmascs, which makes it possible for TERFs to lure transmascs in and attempt to detransition them, subjecting them to gaslighting and manipulation and then using them as sock puppets.

TERFs do focus a lot on transmisogyny. They focus a lot on transmisandry, too. Debating which one is more prevalent and 'worse' not only misses the point, because transmascs and transfems face very different and totally rotten attention from cis society as a whole, including cis queers. We need to like, not do that anymore: we need to give each other the space to talk about our unique circumstances, but we also need to work harder on looking at each other through a lens of solidarity and trying to see that our struggles are different but not unrelated, and that if we keep downing on each other like this, we're not going to get anywhere except in a much more difficult situation as the people who don't want any of us to exist keep picking us off.

#transmisogyny #transphobia #transmisandry #queer issues #trans issues #long post

[mishafletcher]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

So I got this ask a while ago, and I've been lowkey thinking about it ever since.

First: No. I am a queer, cranky dyke who is too old for this sort of bullshit gatekeeping. 

Second: What an unbelievable question to ask someone you don't even know! What an incomprehensibly rude thing to ask, as if you're somehow owed information about my sexual history. You're not! No one—and I can't reiterate this enough, but no one—owes you the details of their sex lives, of their trauma, or of anything about themselves that they don't feel like sharing with you.

The clickbait mills of the internet and the purity police of social media would like nothing more than to convince everyone that you owe these things to everyone. They would like you to believe that you have to prove that you're traumatized enough to identify with this character, that you can't sell this article about campus rape without relating it to your own sexual assault, that you can't talk about queer issues without offering up a comprehensive history of your own experiences, and none of those things are true. You owe people, and especially random strangers on the internet, nothing, least of all citations to somehow prove to them that you have the right to talk about your own life.

This makes some people uncomfortable, and to be clear, I think that that's good: people who feel entitled to demand this information should be uncomfortable. Refusing to justify yourself takes power away from people who would very much like to have it, people who would like to gatekeep and dictate who is permitted to speak about what topics or like what things. You don't have to justify yourself. You don't have to explain that you like this ship because this one character reminds you a bit of yourself because you were traumatized in a vaguely similar way and now— You don't have to justify your queerness by telling people about the best friend you had when you were twelve, and how you kissed, and she laughed and said it was good practice for when she would kiss boys and your stomach twisted and your mouth tasted like bile and she was the first and last girl you kissed, but— 

You don't owe anyone these pieces of yourself. They're yours, and you can share them or not, but if someone demands that you share, they're probably not someone you should trust.

Third: The idea of gold star lesbians is a profoundly bi- and trans- phobic idea, often reducing gender to genitals and the long, shared history of queer women of all identities to a stark, artificial divide where some identities are seen as purer or more valuable than others. This is bullshit on all counts.

There's a weird and largely artificial division between bisexuals and lesbians that seems to be intensifying on tumblr, and I have to say: I hate it. Bisexual women aren't failed lesbians. They're not somehow less good or less valid because they're attracted to [checks notes] people. Do you think that having sex with a man somehow changes them? What are you so worried about it for? I've checked, and having sex with a man does not, in fact, make your vagina grow teeth or tentacles. Does that make you feel better? Why is what other people are doing so threatening to you?

Discussions of gold star lesbians are often filled with tittering about hehe penises, which is unfortunate, since I know a fair few lesbians who have penises, and even more lesbians who've had sex with people, men and women alike, who have penises. I'm sorry to report that "I'm disgusted by a standard-issue human body part" is neither a personality nor anything to be proud of. I'm a dyke and I don't especially like men, but dicks are just dicks. You don't have to be interested in them, but a lot of people have them, and it doesn't make you less of a lesbian to have sex with someone who has a dick.

There's so much garbage happening in the world—maybe you haven't noticed, but things are kind of Not Great in a lot of places, and there's a whole pandemic thing that's been sort of a major buzzkill? How is this something that you're worried about? Make a tea, remind yourself that other people's genitalia and sexual history are none of your business, maybe go watch a video about a cute animal or something. 

Fourth: The idea of gold star lesbians is a shitty premise that argues that sexuality is better if it's always been clear-cut and straightforward—but it rarely is. We live in a very, very heterosexist culture. I didn’t have a word for lesbian until many years after I knew that I was one. How can you say that you are something when your mouth can’t even make the shape of it? The person you are at 24 is different to the person you are at 14, and 34, and 74. You change. You get braver. The world gets wider. You learn to see possibilities in the shadows you used to overlook. Of course people learn more about themselves as they age.

Also, many of us, especially those of us who grew up in smaller towns, or who are over the age of, say, 25, grew up in times and places where our sexuality was literally criminal.

Shortly after I graduated high school, a gay man in my state was sentenced to six months in jail. Why? Well, he’d hit on someone, and it was a misdemeanor to "solicit homosexual or lesbian activity", which included expressing romantic or sexual interest in someone who didn’t reciprocate. You might think, then, that I am in fact quite old, but you would be mistaken. The conviction was in 1999; it was overturned in 2002.

I grew up knowing this: the wrong thing said to the wrong person would be sufficient reason to charge me with a crime.

In the United States, the Defense of Marriage Act was passed in 1996, clarifying that according to the federal government, marriage could only ever be between one man and one woman. It also promised that even if a state were to legalize same-sex unions, other states wouldn't have to recognize them if they didn't want to. And wow, they super did not want to, because between 1998 and 2012, a whopping thirty states had approved some sort of amendment banning same-sex marriage.

Every queer person who's older than about 25 watched this, knowing that this was aimed at people like them. Knowing that these votes were cast by their friends and their families and their teachers and their employers. 

Some states were worse than others. Ohio passed their bill in 2004 with 62% approval. Mississippi passed theirs the same year with 86% approval. Imagine sitting in a classroom, or at work, or in a church, or at a family dinner, and knowing that statistically, at least two out of every three people in that room felt you shouldn't be allowed to marry someone you loved.

Matthew Shepard was tortured to death in October of 1998. For being gay, for (maybe) hitting on one of the men who had planned to merely rob him. Instead, he was tortured and left to die, tied to a barbed wire fence. His murderers were both sentenced to two consecutive life terms in prison. This was controversial, because a nonzero number of people felt that Shepard had brought it upon himself.

Many of us sat at dinner tables and listened to this discussion, one that told us, over and over, that we were fundamentally wrong, fundamentally undeserving of love or sympathy or of life itself.

This is a tiny, tiny sliver of history—a staggeringly incomplete overview of what happened in the US over about ten years. Even if this tiny sliver is all that there were, looking at this, how could you blame someone for wanting to try being not Like This? How can you fault someone who had sex, maybe even had a bunch of sex, hoping desperately that maybe they could be normal enough to be loved if they just tried harder? How can you say that someone who found themself an uninteresting but inoffensive boyfriend and went on dates and had sex and said that it was fine is somehow less valuable or less queer or less of a lesbian for doing so? For many people, even now, passing as straight, as problematic as that term is, is a survival skill. How dare you imply that the things that someone did to protect themself make them worth less? They survived, and that's worth literally everything.

Fifth, finally: What is a gold star, anyhow? You've capitalized it, like it's Weighty and Important, but it's not. Gold stars were what your most generous grade school teacher put on spelling tests that you did really well on. But ultimately, gold stars are just shiny scraps of paper. They don't have any inherent value: I can buy a thousand of them for five bucks and have them at my door tomorrow. They have only the meaning that we give them, only the importance that we give them. We’re not children desperately scrabbling for a teacher’s approval anymore, though. We understand that good and bad are more of a spectrum than a binary, and that a gold star is a simplification. We understand that no number of gold stars will make us feel like we’re special enough or good enough or important enough, or fix the broken places we can still feel inside ourselves. Only we can do that.

The stars are only shiny scraps of paper. They offer us nothing; we don’t need them. I hope that someday, you see that, too. 

#queer stuff #lgbtq #gold star lesbians #long post #sorry #Anonymous

[queerofthedagger]

I really am begging people to stop trying to come up with clear-cut definitions for bi, pan, and omni that attempt to make out differences between them.

Both in bi history and in present bi people, there are definitions of "attraction regardless of gender," "attraction to two or more genders," "attraction to all genders, varying depending on gender," etc. All of those are valid definitions of bisexuality, and to claim otherwise, to try forcing it into one definition, is both bi-erasure and biphobic.

And I'm not saying that the lack of a possible, clean definition is a problem. It's not. People can choose pan as a label because they experience attraction regardless of gender and want to make that clear. People can choose omni because they experience attraction to all genders, but it varies depending on gender. Hell, you can choose one over the other because you like the flag better or the word or it resonates more with you. You can choose all of them if you want to.

The thing is, though - there will most likely be pan people who experience attraction differently, and still choose pan. They're still valid. Same goes for omni, and bi, etc.

When you look at this historically, it happened something like this: queer history has always been erased wherever possible. A whole generation of us has been erased. This happened too, and in some regards even more so, with bi history. There are countless sources from as early as the 70's that define bisexuality as attraction where gender doesn't matter at all, as attraction to one's own and all other genders, and just about any definition you find floating around the internet for bi, or pan, or omni today.

A lot of this history and these accounts were forgotten. As a consequence, in the early 2000's and the rise of internet queer culture, people assumed "bi = 2" and came up with pan. Now, I want to make it very clear that I'm not blaming anyone for this. There were thoughts along the lines of "this excludes trans people, and we want a label that doesn't do this."

This is both transphobic because trans women are women, and trans men are men - not some other gender that requires a whole different form of attraction - and, again, bi erasure. Historically, the bi and trans communities have always been closely interwined. In fact, many people are trans and bi. Bisexuality has also, in many spaces, as early as the 70's and 80's, disregarded the gender binary and rejected it. Bisexuality was not and is not about binaries, and the experiences and lived realities of it always had the whole point of refusing a clean-cut definition.

And again, this does not mean, as some people like to claim, that we should disregard other labels, or that bi is the 'umbrella term' under which labels like pan or omni fall, as some kind of sub-category. They can co-exist perfectly fine, and people can pick whatever label they're happiest with. Because labels aren't there so that we can be put into neatly labelled boxes. They're there so we can understand ourselves a little better, or because they make us happy, or help us describe lived realities. There's no sense in pitching us against each other, by ourselves.

But this also means that people got to stop erasing us, our history, and our lived realities. Stop putting us into a box so you can neatly close your own.

If you want some more info/sources on this, this article is a good place to start.

#queer stuff #bisexual history #bisexuality #I'm just. so tired of seeing this again and again #we've been saying this for years and yet I keep seeing posts again and again that go 'bi means this as opposed to pan and omni' #no it does not #pick whatever label you're comfortable with - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - but *please* stop invalidating others while - #- doing it #I know a lot of people simply aren't aware of this and again this isn't an attack or a callout #except maybe a frustrated appeal to learn some of your history to stop harming people in your own community #mona out