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#other cards also enforced the meanings of taking your time letting go of bad habits and thoughtpatterns and looking at things
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Hey sweetheart,
It's been rough for you lately, hasn't it?
Feeling down for what seems like no reason at all, with no way to express this anguish you feel inside. I know this might be hard to hear, but wallowing in self-pity, in those despairing feelings, will not help you.
I know you feel like you have nobody to turn to, but that's a lie you keep on telling yourself. You do have people who want to be there for you, but if you do not speak up they aren't able to help. If it's hard to speak of your troubles, at least try. Let those feelings out. If you truly think nobody will be there to listen, then rely on me. I'll be there.
But these truly are feelings you shouldn't hide away. You need to acknowledge them if you want to start moving forward again. You cannot keep on deluding yourself like this. It will take time to heal, so take your time, go at your own pace. You will experience ups and downs, it will be hard to work through your own feelings. But it'll make you stronger. You need to forgive yourself, start loving yourself or at the very least tolerating yourself.
Sometimes it's not outside forces that are bringing us down, but our own self-sabotaging ways. It's okay to take time to look within and discover that part about us, so we can let it go. And if it is outside forces, then looking within can help us with seeing that too. In order to gain that freedom, in order to break free from what holds us back, it's something we have to do.
I'm not saying it's easy, but life never is. It's okay to rely on others during our difficult times. Trust me, your friends want to help. It's hard and difficult, but I want you to grow into a person that can embrace who they are. That can respect their own boundaries and respects those of others, and who isn't hurt in the progress.
Life can be difficult. There will definitely be even more times that you will feel sad and numb, but I want you to know better days are always to come. You will weather the storm, and see the sun shine on you once again. So until then, try to see joy in the little things.
Take care, my cottoncoud.
Your f/o.
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teamhappyme · 3 years
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a series of promising events (1/5)
aaron hotchner x female! reader
word count: 7.9k :)
a/n: hello hello hello! this is my first hotch fic, and the first of three parts (edit: it’s actually 5 now lolol). it’s going to cover 8 (maybe 9?) events over the course of several years, so it needed to be broken up in the most rational way possible. this is my baby, and has been in the editing process with my lazy brain since september. please, please, please, let me know if the timeline or anything is confusing to you! i have a tendency to under explain things (as my profs will testify to), and i don’t want y’all to be confused. i hope whoever stumbles across this enjoys!
also, big shoutout to @winterscaptain, you are a gift to the world, tali. i am in love with the ajf universe, and that shit inspired me to polish this piece up for the tumblr verse to see. 
alright friends, here we go.
link to part 2: here
**** 
June 2005
You wouldn’t forget your first day in the BAU for as long as you lived. It was forever ingrained in your memory, the good, bad, and embarrassing moments all stored away. Stored away that is until Derek Morgan decided to dredge it back up as you passed your six month mark on the job. 
Derek, Prentiss, Reid and yourself were finishing up paperwork in the bullpen after an unusually slow friday. You were usually the first one done, earning a groan from the doctor across from your desk. They all envied your English degree and professional writing skills. 
“Hey bobo,” The nickname Derek had assigned to you was named after your alma mater, and extremely annoying. “Remember your first day, when I tricked you into doing Prentiss and my paperwork for almost two weeks?” You shook your head, not having to look at Morgan to be able to hear the smirk in his voice. “Do you think I could trick you again?”
7:47. Thirteen minutes earlier than you needed to be. Yet the room full of agents you were supposed to join was already filled. You liked these people already, they were punctual and functioned in the morning. 
You pushed one of the glass doors open with your ballet flat, juggling your box of office supplies while keeping your crossbody balanced on your shoulder. The sound of fingers pounding on keyboards, phones ringing on loop welcomed you into the BAU. Along with a shove to your back, causing you to lunge forward. You felt something cold run down your back, cursing yourself for wearing a white blouse.
“Are you alright?” You looked up to find a tall mop of brown hair and big brown eyes looking down at you. “Well, I’m a little damp.”
He nodded while looking at your box full of sticky notes and pens. “You must be y/n l/n. I’m Dr. Spencer Reid. We’ve been taking bets on what time you’d arrive. And you beat us all with your extreme punctuality.” You laughed. “Sorry to let you down. It’s nice to meet you, Dr. Reid.” You extended your hand for him to shake, but he just stared at your extended limb.
“Yeah, he doesn’t do that sort of thing.” The new voice came into view, shaking your hand that was meant for Reid. He was tall like Spencer, but was lean with a smile on his face. Confident. “I’m Derek Morgan. When JJ told us the new recruit graduated with an english degree, I expected someone with tweed elbow patches and big round glasses.” 
“You’re an english major? Statistically speaking, only three percent of the agents that have been recruited for the BAU didn’t have any background in law enforcement or field experience.” This wasn’t the first time you’d been questioned at the FBI for being a liberal arts degree profiler. Your english degree and your fresh age of twenty five left many people to dismiss you through your time in the academy. But you got used to it. 
“Sorry to disappoint your stereotypical profile of an FBI agent,” You started, shifting your weight between your feet, now uncomfortable and a little embarrassed in front of your new co-workers. 
“Oh I didn’t mean it as an offense. I-” “He’s a genius, but he lacks some social cues. You’re the first girl he’s been around that’s his age in the workplace.” Morgan added and Reid elbowed his ribs. You covered the smile on your face as the two of them started to quietly bicker. 
“Let the poor woman go and settle in at least before you harass her.” A brunette woman in a black pant suit came walking toward you. She had a stern face while looking at the two men, but when she turned to you, her face softened into a smile. “Special Agent Emily Prentiss. You do not understand how happy I am to have another woman out in this bullpen.”
You laughed as she led you to the empty desk across from Dr. Reid’s. “Welcome to your new home.”
“Thanks.” You placed your box down before taking the place in. “I’m supposed to meet with SSA Hotchner,”
“Agent l/n,” All heads turned to the man descending the stairs into the bullpen. He was taller than the other two, and that was saying a lot since they practically towered over you. He had a clean boys haircut, paired with a suit and tie. No question that this was the unit chief you were to report to. “I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner. Welcome to the BAU.” He shook your hand before looking at the others. “JJ’s ready to debrief in the conference room.”
And just like that, the three agents sprung into action, leading the way to the board room. “We can go over the particulars when we get back from Nebraska. You ready for your first case?”
His face didn’t change, no change of tone in his voice. He lived and breathed for the BAU. Until you noticed the wedding band on his left hand. It was always the first thing you looked for when you met someone new. It was shallow and patriarchal, you knew, but it was instinct. And it put you at ease knowing there was someone out there he was doing this for. Someone he didn’t have to hold this demeanor around. 
“Ready.”
“Funny. But if you have any other insults to give, direct them to the head of the english department at Bowdoin. Mention that you’re talking about y/n l/n, with the 4.0 GPA.”
Prentiss led a slow clap as Derek shook his head. 
“I think that’s what the kids are calling a ‘mic drop’.” Spencer added and you couldn’t help your laugh. “Alright kid, why don’t you get out of here before we inevitably find ourselves back.”
You turned off the lamp on your desk and grabbed your crossbody and backpack. “Have a good weekend guys. And Reid,” He looked up, and you laughed as he pushed his hair out of his face. “Please recite the old testament for these two if they mock me while I’m gone.” He gave you a mock salute as Prentiss flipped you off on your way to Hotch’s office. 
In the six months you’d been here, these three people you shared the bullpen with had quickly become the siblings you never had. Morgan acted as your annoying older brother, constantly picking on you and Reid. Not only were you the newbie, but you were now the youngest, only a year behind Spencer. Emily Prentiss on the other hand, was the protective older sister you always dreamed of. She was confident and held her own against the male dominated team, but knew when to be soft spoken and caring with victims and the team when needed.
And then there was Dr. Spencer Reid. The smartest person on the planet, in your book. Sure, he was a little socially awkward and didn’t know when to stop listing off all the stats he knew, but you understood. He was consistently the youngest and smartest person in every classroom he walked into. There weren’t many people that wanted to get to know him without bullying him or picking apart his eidetic memory. Despite the problematic first encounter you shared, the two of you stuck together considering your combined intellect and young age. He taught you the ins and outs of the BAU, and helped you get accustomed to D.C. Although, Spencer himself hadn’t really ventured out into the city in the four years he’s been here. So the two of you tried to see as many things as you could in the rare weekends that you weren’t working a case. You worked your way through a third of the smithsonian's, and saw the Declaration of Independence. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t get a little emotional while looking at it. Spencer had called you a nerd, and you didn’t mind one bit. 
You walked up the steps to Hotch’s office, case reports in your hand from this week. The blinds were open, you could see him working through the stack of files on his desk. Despite the exhaustion written all over his face, his sport coat was still on, tie still impeccably tight around his neck. Even when he was in private he kept up the put together facade.
You knocked on the door, and heard a quiet ‘come in’ as you twisted the door knob. “L/n,” “I have my case reports from this week.” “Just place them on my desk.”
“How much longer are you here for?” He let out a sigh while closing the file in his hand. 
“Another hour or two.” You opened your mouth to respond, but he beat you to the punch. “And before you offer to stay and help me, I don’t need any help.”
“You just don’t want to listen to me singing Coldplay under my breath.” He huffed out a semblance of a laugh. A month into your bout here, Morgan had accosted you on the jet on the way home from Milwaukee. None of you had slept in three days, and you were currently enthralled in your new mp3 player and Coldplay's newest album ‘X&Y’. After the third song, a paper cup was thrown at the back of your head, followed by a ‘I’m trying to sleep, bobo’ from Derek. It was a habit of yours that you had yet to kick. 
“That’s part of the reason.” “I knew it.” He opened another file, and you took that as a cue to wrap up the conversation. You rummaged through your purse, looking for the blue envelope you sealed this morning. 
“Um, I also wanted to drop this off. It’s for Jack, you mentioned he was being Christened this weekend.” You placed the card on top of the pile of paperwork, your cursive handwriting on top. “I was going to get him a stuffed animal or some type of toy, but he’s only three months old and wouldn’t know the difference. This check may be the penny that helps you guys afford Harvard.”
A real laugh escaped his lips now, as he picked up the card. “Thank you, y/n. You didn’t have to do this.” You smiled. “I know, but I wanted to. He’s a cute kid.” 
He looked at the framed picture of Jack on his desk, then back up to you. No one else had mentioned the Christening after Hotch first brought it up. He was quiet, and only liked to talk about his family if he initiated the conversation. You could tell you were the only person who had reached out like this, with a simple gift. 
Hotch had been the hardest person to get to know in your time here. Despite Morgan saying there are no secrets kept among the team, you knew these people had their demons. And Hotch certainly had enough both professionally and personally. You didn’t want to push the professional boundaries, but you always wanted to be present in the lives of people that you shared time with. To let them know you were thinking of them, and cared for them. It was probably your most damaging personality trait.
“I’ll let you finish your work so you can get home at a reasonable hour. Tell Haley I said hi.” He nodded. “I will y/n. Have a nice weekend.”
****
December 2005
You pride yourself in the fact that you haven’t shot your weapon in the year you’ve spent with the BAU. It meant that you were successful at connecting to these people’s emotions, despite the asterisk next to their name labeling them as a serial killer or sadist. Guns were there to protect you, and they were always the last result. But as you pulled up to a log cabin in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania, you had a feeling your record was going to be broken.
The team was working a case where six bodies, two adult males and four teenage males, were found mutilated, along with a cut from sternum to belly button. It was the first case you worked that had no female victims. A small victory, in your mind. But, it was also the first case you worked that the profile of the unsub fit a sixteen year old girl, who had most likely been assaulted as a young child. When children were involved, the team acted differently. They were failed by the people that were supposed to care for them, they were consistently hurt with no one to turn to. And as a result, they would spend the rest of their lives paying for it. 
You, Prentiss, and Hotch got out of the suburban, strapping the bullet proof vests onto your bodies. Thanks to Garcia, you had found the unsub’s location once she turned her cell phone back on. A cruiser pulled up behind you guys, two more cops falling out. 
“Prentiss, you take the two officers down with you to the exterior basement access. L/n and I will take the main floor.” Hotch ordered as he pulled his gun from his holster. 
You could feel the anxiety rising in your chest, but there was no time to calm it down. You barely had enough time to strap on your vest. 
“Ready?” Hotch looked at you before taking another step toward the cabin. You nodded, pulling your own gun from it’s holster. “Ready.”
You followed him up to the front porch, announcing yourselves before kicking the door in. You cleared the living room as Hotch cleared the dining room and bathroom, leaving you both to meet up in the kitchen. 
That was where you found her. You saw her first, hiding half of her face behind the rifle that she had pointed at you. She was trembling, dried tear streaks left on her cheeks. She was petrified. 
“Stephanie Moore?” Her grip on the gun tightened at the mention of her name as you heard Hotch’s footsteps get closer. “My name is Y/n L/n, I’m with the FBI. I don’t want to hurt you Stephanie, but I need you to put the gun down.”
Hotch joined you on your left, both of you directing your weapons toward the young girl. “I did what I had to do to survive. They took everything from me, every last shred of dignity I had. I wasn’t going to let them kill me.” You never thought it would be possible for your heart to break while listening to an unsub. But this tiny girl standing in front of you, with her whole life ahead of her, it just hit you too hard. 
“I know you did, Stephanie. You were so brave and so strong. Not many people could survive what you did.” She started to loosen her grip on the rifle, you were getting through to her. “I’m here to help you. I want to put an end to all of this.”
You glanced at Hotch and he gave the slightest nod, giving you the okay to take a step forward together. “I couldn’t let them get away with it.” Ever so slowly, the gun started to lower in her hands. 
“You’re doing great. Just a little lower and this will all be over.” Before she could completely lower her weapon, you heard the storm door to the basement slam shut. 
Stephanie jumped, raising her weapon back up in her hands.
“You said you were here to help me!” She exclaimed, the gun pointed at you as Hotch took another step forward. “I am Stephanie, but other members of my team are trying to help the boy you took.”
Fresh tears started to fall down her cheeks and you knew you were losing her. “Y/n,” 
He whispered to you and she moved the gun from your chest to Hotch’s. “Shutup!”
“Stephanie, hey, look at me,” She shook her head, continuing her stare at Hotch. “He’s in on it, he has to be!”
“He’s not! He’s my boss, trust me, Stephanie.” You heard the safety go off, and before her foot landed as she took her first step towards Hotch, you emptied two rounds into her chest. He rushed forward as she fell, kicking away her gun and checking her pulse. Nothing. 
You lowered your gun as your breathing increased, looking at the lifeless sixteen year old lying in front of you. A hand covered your mouth as you realized what you’d done. 
You killed her. 
You remembered what it felt like to be sixteen. Struggling to find your identity, wanting so desperately to be noticed by someone. For anyone to reach out and help you. 
But you took that away from her. You ended her life before it even began.
“Are you guys okay?” You heard Prentiss come up through the basement, but your eyes were closed as she entered the room. “We’re good. Y/n took the shot.”
Hotch stood up and dared a look at you, taking in your grief stricken state. “Did you find the boy?” 
“Yeah, he’s gonna be fine.”
Before Emily could greet you, you ran to the corner of the room, heaving up whatever was inside your almost empty stomach. Your throat burned as you threw up for a second time, vaguely registering two people calling your name.
“You’re okay, y/n,” Prentiss approached you, gently resting a hand on your back. You coughed a few more times before a towel was being rushed to your side. “It’s okay.”
The whirring of more sirens forced you to open your eyes and straighten up from your sick position. Prentiss had eyes filled with concern, not letting go of you until you gave her a slight nod. She handed you a water before she exited the house, letting two uniforms in. They went straight to Hotch, asking questions and looking over the body before their eyes landed on you. You felt exposed, like you were the one lying lifeless on the ground for all to see. You took a few deep breaths to get your breathing under control, and tore your gaze away from Stephanie. 
Hotch finished his conversation with the officers before walking over to you. “Hey,” He rested a hand on your shoulder, and you couldn’t help but flinch. “It was a clean shot, but protocol states they have to take your gun and badge as well as give a statement to IA.” You nodded, taking your badge from your pocket. “They’re gonna take you back to the station and do an interview. This should all be wrapped up in a few hours. We’ll meet you back there, alright?”
You glanced up at his big brown eyes, warm as they bore into yours instead of their usual slanted nature. “Okay.”
The two officers escorted you to their patrol car, taking your badge and gun before you got in. You felt naked without them, like you were a nobody wandering the streets looking for someone to help, or looking for someone to help you.
It was a good thirty minute ride to the station from the cabin, and when you got there a detective from IA was already waiting for you. They led you into an interrogation room where they already had Section Chief Strauss hooked up through video call. Great. 
The questions they asked were pretty straight forward, nothing that couldn’t be answered by a crime scene report from the technicians. But the government insisted on interviewing cops involved in shootings, just in case it wasn’t legal. As if anyone wanted to deal with the psychological repercussions of taking another’s life. 
It took them nearly an hour and a half to get through the interrogation. In part due to you almost throwing up a third time as Strauss asked you to repeat the moment you shot Stephanie. They gave you a few minutes to regroup, some ginger ale and crackers from the vending machine to help settle your stomach. They took your fingerprints last, letting Strauss finish up with the bureaucratic discussion.
“That’s all for now Agent L/n. We’ll debrief tomorrow morning when you’re back in Quantico.” “Yes ma’am. Thank you.”
They led you out of the interrogation room and back through the lobby leaving you at the conference room your team had been set up in the last three days.
The white boards were still littered with images of the victims, crime scenes, and the unsub. Piles of evidence were scattered along the table, and you tried to resist looking through them again. You knew if you went through the images of the mutilated boys again, you wouldn’t survive the emotional turmoil. But you needed to know that you made the right choice, the only choice to prevent more families from going through the same pain and suffering as the Corbins. 
You turned to the white board, glancing at the first victim. Connor Corbin was fifteen years old, on the varsity soccer team, and involved in musical theatre. He was cousins with the teenager that abused Stephanie. She targeted all the men in her abusers life, letting them know what he did to her. Wanting them to understand the pain she’d had to endure because of their ignorance.
You looked through the rest of the victims, the abusers two younger brothers, father and uncle were among those killed. The boys were only twelve years old. You brought a hand up to cover your mouth, remembering meeting their mother on the first day you were here. JJ was the one to speak to her, as the communications liaison, most people trusted her with being the most empathetic. That fact was up for debate, in your opinion. She was a wreck, and JJ needed help comforting her from Morgan. But you understood, boy had you understood. Her whole family was killed. 
“Y/n,” You jumped, startled by the new voices in the room. Hotch, Spencer, and JJ had arrived back at the station. “Did they clear you?”
You nodded as Spencer walked over to you. “Yeah, Strauss just wants to debrief again tomorrow morning.” “Of course she does.”
Section Chief Erin Strauss is a hardass and not the biggest fan of the BAU. “Did they give you your piece back?” Your hand immediately flew to your left hip, void of your gun and holster. “No, I completely forgot about it.” You went to move toward the door, but Spencer laid a hand on your forearm. “It’s okay, I’ll get it.” He gave your arm a comforting squeeze before leaving the conference room. 
You spared a glance at Hotch as you started cracking your knuckles. “JJ, why don’t you call the airstrip, tell them to get the jet ready.” “Yes sir.”
In an effort to keep your mind busy, you started to take down the pictures from the white board, erasing all Reid’s notes in his barely legible handwriting. The boy had three PhD’s, yet couldn’t figure out the concept of penmanship. 
“Are you alright?” “Fine.” You pulled an empty manila folder out, stuffing Connor’s pictures in. “You don’t have to clean this up for them.” “I know.”
He sighed. “Y/n, stop.” His voice was stern now and you dropped the files. “I asked if you were alright.”
“Why wouldn’t I be alright, Hotch?” You crossed your arms over your chest, letting a breath out. “We found her, we saved her from hurting anyone else, and we brought closure to Mrs. Corbin. Case closed, the BAU gets to go home.”
Your eyes started to water but you refused to bring your hands up to wipe them away. You wouldn’t let them fall. “We’ve all been where you are right now.”
“I’m confident that you’ve never felt what I’m feeling before.”
“Try me.” He didn’t flinch, his hands remained in his pockets, stare heavy on your own. 
“When JJ presented this case to us, that two teenage boys and their fathers had been murdered, it was a no brainer for all of us to take it. Two twelve year old boys dead, two more teenagers missing, how could we not take it? But then we got here, and we met with the victims' families, we learned the boys' backgrounds, the unsub’s profile.” You scoffed, not sure who you were angered with at the moment. “This girl was raped by a seventeen year old boy and his father for two years, and we’re still supposed to treat her like a monster, like Tim Vogel?” You shook your head. “I’m not condoning what she did, but, can you blame her? And then we went in, and she had a gun raised at us. I would’ve been able to talk her down, I know I could’ve saved her if she didn’t have the gun.”
“But she had a gun.” You nodded. “She had a gun and it was raised at you. And I didn’t even flinch to take the shot. All it took was two seconds for me to forget her pain, her trauma, and reduce her to a sick serial killer.”
Even though that’s what Stephanie ultimately was, you didn’t want to accept it. Because she was a person before she went through all that pain, she was someone’s daughter, who was involved in gymnastics and softball, and had stuffed animals scattered across her bedroom. God, were you ever going to forget what she looked like?
“Feeling guilty about taking someone’s life is a good thing. It means your human, that you care.” Hotch freed his hands from his pockets, taking the file you packed out of your grip. “You’re not like them, y/n.”
You dared a glance at him as you felt more tears spring to the surface. Those big brown eyes could tell a story all on their own, and right now, they were pleading for you to believe him. You would try. 
“Got the goods.” Spencer came back in, your gun and credentials in hand. “They really had the audacity to I.D. me, as if we hadn’t just worked a case with them the last seventy two hours.” 
He got you to laugh, which served you enough cover to wipe your eyes dry. And out of the corner of your eye, you thought you saw a rare smile cross Hotch’s face. 
But Aaron knew there was more to your guilt than just this little girl. He was the leader of this team, it was his job to know the people he was in charge of like the back of his hand in order to keep them safe. And in the year that you’d been here, he noticed how reserved you were. Too reserved and too broken for a twenty-six year old. How you took on the giver persona to hide the fact that you were terribly closed off to others and your emotions. You would be the first to offer help, to be a listening ear, or lend your shoulder to cry on. But you never accepted it from anyone. Not that you had to, until today. 
When Hotch started to notice you and Spencer growing closer at the three month mark, he was excited. Proud, even. He knew you were struggling with the gruesome cases (he knew you threw up after every crime scene, despite your best efforts with barf bags and travel size mouthwash) and hoped you could share your burdens with the young doctor. But it seemed like they only grew in time, like the smile on your face. Hotch just hoped you knew your limits.
“Gather whatever else you guys need for Quantico. Wheels up in thirty.” Reid nodded for both of you as Hotch left the conference room, presumably to find JJ. 
“Everything okay in here?” He asked as you continued to empty the white boards, this time at a faster pace. Of course he had noticed the red rim on your waterline and the red tip on your nose. Spencer could read you better than anyone else, regardless of being a profiler or not.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Just talked through the case.” His feet stayed nailed to the ground, yet his eyes continued to stick to the back of your head. You sighed and stopped moving, turning to face him. “Spencer, I can feel you boring holes into the back of my head.”
He had a sheepish smile and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. We have copies of all this back at the office, I already faxed it over to Garcia. Why don’t we spend the next twenty eight minutes searching for a good burger before the flight home.”
You smiled. “Okay. As long as I can get a vanilla shake, too.”
****
May 2006
Growing up, you always wanted an office job. A boring nine to five with your own cubicle, a script to follow when your phone rang and a customer needed help. You’d have a generic wall calendar pinned on the particle board, sticky notes littering your monitor screen, and maybe a few pictures of pets and future family. It was safe, predictable, and what you were constantly told all you would be capable of.
Now, as you’re sitting on the FBI owned jet with your six special agent coworkers, you can’t imagine living that life you once dreamt of. 
It was nearing two a.m., and you were two hours into the flight home from Los Angeles. Reid was passed out on the couch, Prentiss and JJ in the same state of mind in the cluster of four chairs, legs spread out. Morgan and Rossi were sitting across from one another, each listening to their own playlists. And by the way Rossi was tapping his fingers against the arm rest, you knew it was some genre of opera. 
This left you in the back of the jet, staring out the window as you passed over Nebraska. You always had the map up on your screen, wanting to know every state you passed over. No matter the case, you always looked forward to the plane ride. It calmed you, oddly enough. 
“Not tired?” Hotch took the seat across from you, handing you one of the two cups of tea. “Plane rides are too exciting for me to catch any sleep.”
You took a sip of the hot drink and your face scrunched out of instinct. You never liked tea, but you tried it again and again when people assured you that it would calm you down. It never worked. 
“You could just say no,” He added and you smiled. “I know. But my taste buds may change one of these times.”
He took a sip out of his own cup, no change of expression on his face. You couldn’t help the chuckle that left your lips and his eyes narrowed on you. 
“What?” 
“Well, you may enjoy the taste, but it seems like it’s calming chamomile effect has never worked on you, either.” “We’re not supposed to profile each other.” 
“Then don’t even think about rattling off excuses of why I’m not sleeping.”
He looked down at his cup, slowly nodding his head. “Well if you don’t want to talk about what’s really bothering you, because I know it’s not sleep, I can bore you with Jack’s sleep routine we have to stick to.” You smiled. “You know that I’m the only one on this team that would actually be interested in Jack’s sleeping routine. Hell, anything with that chubby little baby would interest me. Bring it on, Hotch.”
It was no secret that Jack Hotchner was your favorite person on the planet. Not only was he the chubbiest little nugget you’d ever seen, he was the result of two of the strongest people you knew. 
The first time you met Haley, she was six months pregnant with Jack, begging Hotch to leave the office early for a date night. You made the afternoon walk up to his office, dropping off some files for him to sign when you first saw her.
“Come on, Aaron. This baby is going to be here before we know it, and who knows the next time we’ll have any alone time will be.”
Before he could respond, you knocked on the open door. Both of their heads snapped over to you, and a red blush of embarrassment spread across your cheeks. “Sorry to interrupt, sir. Just dropping off some reports for you to sign off on.”
You smiled at the petite blonde woman while placing the files on the desk. “It’s okay l/n. This is my wife, Haley Hotchner. Haley, this is Agent y/n l/n, she started about a month ago.” She smiled back at you, extending a hand to shake. 
“It’s nice to meet you, y/n. I’ll leave the agent part out, it makes you sound like a robot.” She said and glared at her husband before placing her hand back on her growing belly. You laughed once you heard Hotch let out a breath, knowing he wasn’t offended with her joke. 
“It’s nice to meet you too.” The smile only grew on your face as you looked at her, admiring her own belly. “Congratulations on the baby. It’s always exciting to bring a baby into the world.”
“Thank you. If only my husband thought going out with me was half as exciting, he would’ve been gone a half an hour ago.” “Haley!” He was more than surprised that she would speak so cavalierly while at the office, especially around someone he had barely gotten a chance to know yet. But the two girls only shared a laugh.
“Hotch, why don’t you go. I can hold things down around here.” “Y/n, it’s not your responsibility to. And quite frankly-” You dropped a file to the desk, boldly interrupting your bosses statement. You were only acting like this because you knew his wife deserved half the attention he gave to this place. “It’s a friday night, and your beautiful, pregnant wife is asking you to go to dinner with her. JJ and I will be here if anything comes up, I’ll even redirect your calls to my desk.”
“I like you.” Haley said with a smile, gently squeezing your shoulder. “She means business.”
Hotch let out a sigh, reluctantly grabbing his briefcase and punching a few buttons on his phone to make sure his calls went to you. “You or JJ call me immediately if I’m needed.”
“Promise. Now go have fun.” He gave you the smallest smile as he grabbed Haley’s extended hand to him. “Thank you, y/n. I owe you one.” Haley said as they exited his office. But you weren’t looking for a favor in return. You did this to make them happy, and you always felt better when those that surrounded you were at their best.
But Haley did end up paying you back. She asked you to babysit the first night her and Hotch went out after the baby was born. Apparently, she was impressed with your background in social services that Rossi had drunkenly let slip at the office christmas party. And only you would get excited to babysit a poopy baby, for free. And you continued to do it as many times as they needed you to.
You earned a smile from the reserved unit chief, and raised a fist in the air. “I’ll have to add that to the team tally sheet. I’m now tied with Reid for the lead in making you crack a human expression.” “Doesn’t matter who’s in the lead, you’re all behind Jack.” He quipped back and you returned his smile.
You looked back out the window of the jet, the view of any terrain was quite literally clouded. You could see the moon reflecting on the puffy clouds, and you knew then and there you could be converted to a night person if you could look at this view every night.
“I wanted to check in with you, about Randall Garner.” You looked back to your boss, eyes glued to your own, an earnest gaze in them. “With what happened last time-”
“Last time it was a sixteen year old girl. This time it was a psychotic father who was torturing his child. There’s a broad spectrum.”
“So you don’t feel guilty about taking his life?” The way your stomach flipped at the mention of your actions merely hours ago should have worried you more than it did. 
“Of course I feel guilty.” You quipped back, and quickly looked around to make sure you didn’t disturb anyone else. Hotch didn’t even flinch. “I didn’t take this job to play God. I wanted to help people, I wanted to stop people from getting hurt. To be on the other side of the heartbreak.”
Before transferring to Quantico, you worked as a social worker in Brooklyn for three years, straight out of college. You saw first hand the horrors and trauma that came with being in the foster system, and you wanted to help children going through the same situation you had. 
This became your life, even after you escaped it. And one day, it became too much. You needed a fresh start, to make a change and help people from a different platform. And with your degree in English, and minor in psychology, the BAU seemed to be a perfect fit for a new career. 
“Why did you leave DCFS?” It irked you to no end how his voice stayed so calm when he was clearly agitated. Especially since the silky smooth tone had talked you off an emotional ledge one too many times.
“Why are you interrogating me? Strauss said it was a clean shot, that she was proud to have a man like that dead and accounted for.” A direct quote from the ever emotionless section chief. If only she had any field experience, she would understand what this job was like. “Besides, I’ve been here for a year and half. You should have my file memorized by now.”
“Half of your file is sealed. Strauss must have a soft spot for you.” You actually laughed at that. Strauss most certainly did not have a soft spot for you. She was however under orders from the Attorney General of New York to keep my file sealed, no matter my employer. 
“My sealed file has nothing to do with the actions I took tonight.” You uncrossed your legs now and turned your body to face him. This conversation wasn’t ending any time soon. “If I needed help grieving this process, I would ask for it, Hotch. I’m fine.”
He wanted to believe you. More than anything else, he wanted to believe that you had found a routine that helped you forget the daily horrors you saw. But he knew that you were the last to leave the office every night, he knew you drove home with the light on in the backseat of your car every night. Deep down, he knew you weren’t fine. 
“We don’t ever truly know the people we work with. Despite the fact that we say there are no secrets in this unit, we all have our own demons we hold onto. I know you’re not fine, y/n.” You let out a strained laugh as you started tapping your foot anxiously against the ground. 
“I do though.” For the first time tonight, Hotch had no idea what you were talking about. His furrowed brow only made your throat tighten. “I know every single one of these people’s secrets. They confide in me because they know about my past with DCFS. Everything I knew was confidential, and it ate me up inside not being able to tell anybody the horrors these children go through.” You ran a hand through your hair; the flood gates were open. You feared there would be no turning back now. “It started out as me just wanting to get to know them. I wanted to be liked, and I wanted to trust my coworkers. And then overnight, I became Father l/n, sworn to secrecy by the Parish of the FBI. I’ve become a suggestion box, papers filling me up to the top and no one is coming to empty me out. 
“But I can’t even be mad at them,” I said as my eyes started to water, remembering what Spencer said to me two months into our friendship. “Spencer told me I’m the only person that’s ever listened to his problems without suggesting that he see someone to talk to. He said I was the only person that’s ever laughed at his stuffy jokes without making fun of him. I can’t be mad at them for confiding in me in their time of need. But I’m just,” You tried to smile as a tear rolled down your cheek. “I’m just really overflowing.”
Aaron Hotchner was lucky enough to have never experienced a heartbreak in his life. He met Haley his junior year of high school, she was his first and only girlfriend, hurling him into a life of love and happiness, sparing him any pain from loving someone too much. But as he watched you break in front of him, feeling so overwhelmed by the responsibility to be everyone’s rock, to be everyone’s source of light, he experienced his first heartbreak. And he was sure he never wanted to feel it again.
“So confide in me.” You didn’t think his tone could become any softer. His baritone voice had already been strained to keep from waking the others, and he somehow became even softer. But you shook your head, quickly bringing your hands up to wipe the tears that fell down your face. “Why not?”
“Because you’re the boss. You have all of us to worry about when we’re in the field. You have Strauss breathing down your neck, waiting for one of us to screw up.” He rested his elbows on his knees, slightly leaning toward you. “Most importantly, you have Haley and Jack that need you to be their confidante. That beautiful family needs you to be there when you’re not here.”
“Y/n, if you can’t come talk to me when you’re drowning in your own thoughts, I’ve failed you as a boss.” He sighed at your continued silence. “I can’t force you to open up. But I can’t watch you give and give and give without earning a reprieve of your own.”
So the two of you sat there, in a deafening silence, as you counted the seconds passing by. You were both too stubborn to pull away first, because that would be admitting defeat, and this conversation would end then and there. You counted to one hundred and eighty seconds, three minutes, when you finally got tired of staring into the endless brown eyes of Aaron Hotchner. 
You thought carefully about what you were going to say, what you would reveal in the magic that covered the two a.m. air. And no matter how hard you tried to in those one hundred and eighty seconds, you could not keep your eyes from watering.
“I grew up in foster care.” You started, scanning his face for any judgements. You weren’t going to find any. “The last, and most permanent foster parents I had were horrible. It was basic shit that happened to every kid in foster care, nothing scandalous enough to get them to be turned in. But their birth son,” You swallowed, trying to resist the urge to pick your fingernails. “He moved back in with them when I was fifteen. He was a loser, and he started to take a share of the subsidy checks. I heard him in the living room one night with Charlotte, one of the younger girls that lived there. She was only twelve, and I found him pinning her to the couch, a knife to her throat. And I just snapped. I lunged at him, knocking him off of her. It’s all blurry now, except for when I stabbed him in the throat.” My hand scratched at the side of my neck, subconsciously finding the spot I stabbed him. “He died before the ambulance got there. Charlotte and I both gave statements, and it was ruled as self defense. But the statement still lives in my file, and with some convincing, I got Strauss and DCFS to keep it sealed.”
In all honesty, Hotch didn’t know what to expect when you decided to open your mouth. But he never would’ve guessed this. Not from the doe eyed kid that never forgot a birthday, that got everyone a donut and coffee on Monday mornings. Not from the kindest person he worked with. 
“You know that took a lot of courage to get out, so it would be nice if you could say something.” You started to panic, wondering if he saw you as a monster, as a killer.
“You were the oldest one there, weren’t you?” Your eyes widened, how did he know that? “You grew up quick and took on the role of the parent for those younger kids. You wanted them to be safe, stay innocent for as long as they could.”
You finally tore yourself away from his gaze, starting to become too strong. Baby steps. 
“None of us had a family. I tried my hardest to shelter them from those people and make a family out of the five of us. And it worked. Because all four of them still reach out and tell me how successful they are.”
“But they don’t feel like your family.” You had a sad smile and looked back up at him. 
“Do you ever stop profiling?” He mirrored the smile you gave him. “No, they don’t. But I was old enough to understand that they needed each other more than I needed them. Besides, I found a pretty weird family to take me in.”
You earned another laugh from Hotch as you made a check mark in the air, referencing the team tally. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, searching through the cash and cards he had in there. 
“What are you doing?” He pulled out a thin wallet picture and turned it over to you. It was of him, Haley, and Jack on his first birthday. “You’ve got more than one weird family to belong to.”
He extended the picture to you, but you shook your head, the anxiety forming a pit in your stomach. “Hotch, this is your family. I can’t,”
“You can. And this family wouldn’t be half as happy as they are in this picture if it weren’t for you and everyone on this team.” You smiled down at the picture, Jack had frosting from his birthday cake all over his face. You reached out and took it between your fingers. “You’re a giver, y/n. You wear your heart on your sleeve and exude more empathy than we know what to do with.” You let out a laugh as you pulled out your own wallet now, tucking the picture in one of the plastic sleeves. “It’s time you learned how to accept the love you give.”
It was deep, too deep to be coming from your boss on the private jet at two in the morning. But he was more than just your boss, and they were more than just your team. And this job, boy this job was so much better than sitting in a cubicle, answering questions from a recited list.
****
84 notes · View notes
fearfulkittenwrites · 4 years
Text
“Traitor! My cookies!”
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Inspired by @tiny-italian-danger-noodle​ (Link to the amazing post: https://tiny-italian-danger-noodle.tumblr.com/post/624948123561852928/im-sorry-but-i-just-love-the-idea-of-the-rest-of )
Word count: 2261
Notes: Heyy! Quick heads up: I changed some things from the original post. Idk, it just made sense in my head to write it like this. Also, yes, I did made a point in fitting in the batman bingo, because I have a card to fill and it was perfect, so don't yell at me :( I hope you enjoy it! <3
It’s not like there was any kind of conscious effort in it. And yet, Dick was slowly becoming the closest thing the batfamily had to a mom. He hated it, but someone had to tell Damian to not kill his brothers. Or tell Tim to go to bed after 48 hours up. Or tell Jason not to shoot firearms inside the house. Or tell Steph to not prank elderly people (It doesn’t matter that they are homophic Steph, you can’t do that, they’re 80). And if no one else would do it, then, well, he would.
It started after the cookie episode.
Alfred had baked them after Damian requested it. He had been craving those for months, and finally decided to ask for them. But Jason came home before he did, and ended up eating most of them, leaving the smallest two for the boy. Once the kid got home from school and saw what happened, he was fuming.
“Devilspawn, what are you doing in my room?” Jason asked, laying on the bed, face buried in a book.
“You. Ate. My. Cookies.” He said, katana in his hands.
“Okay, and?” Jason answered “I left you some. And I eat stuff from everyone in the house, so that really shouldn’t- You have your sword. Oh my God, why do you have your sword?” He jumped to his feet after the realization, trying to run.
“You will pay!” Damian raised his katana, charging towards his brother.
“Fuck!” Jason yelled, climbing on the bed, trying to get away from the boy.
“I have been waiting for those cookies for ages!” Damian sliced through the air, aiming for the other’s feet. Jason fell from the bed trying to evade the move and ran through the bedroom door.
“Help!” He yelled, running down the halls “Dick, help! Damian wants to kill me! Again!”
“Traitor!” Damian screeched behind him, tiny footsteps growing louder and louder as he approached Jason “My cookies!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” He ran down the stairs, going to the entrance hall “Dick, please! He’s getting closer!”
Damian skipped steps behind him.
“You coward!” He brandished his sword “Face me like a man!”
As they went into the dining room, Damian felt a sudden pull at his uniform’s collar. Dick held him there, as if he was a kitten, and pointed at Jason.
“Don’t move.”
“Okay.” Jason said, backed up against the wall.
“Unhand me Grayson!” He complained, trying to twist himself free “He deserves punishment for his crimes!”
“Give me the katana.” Dick took the weapon from his brother’s hands “Damian, the no kill rule does extend to siblings. Please keep that in mind.”
“I wasn’t going to kill him.” Damian pouted, angry “I was simply going to mutilate or maim. If he died, that would be on him.”
“We don’t mutilate or maim each other in this house, okay?” Dick said, finaly letting go of the kid “Don’t make me repeat that.”
“Fine.”
“And you,” He turned to Jason, crossing his arms “Why did you eat all of his cookies?”
“I left him some.” He mumbled.
“Doesn’t matter.” Dick answered, hardened expression “You should’ve waited for him to get home, and you know it.”
“Yeah, okay.” He scratched his head.
“Now, apologize to each other.”
Both of them looked horrified at the idea. Dick sighed.
“Apologize. Now.” They didn’t budge “Or you’re both banned from patrol for a week.”
“You can’t do that.” Jason said “Can he?” He asked Damian, in a quieter voice. The kid shrugged.
“Don’t test me.” Dick answered.
“Fine.” Jason rolled his eyes “I’m sorry for eating all your cookies.”
“And I’m sorry for trying to mutilate you because of it.”
“Great. Now hug it out.”
“I’m not...”
“You must be...”
“Now!” He stomped his foot, and both of them grumpily hugged each other, clearly uncomfortable way “See? Was that so hard?”
“Yes.” Both of them answered.
“Then think about that before you do some stupid shit again.” Dick answered, leaving the room.
Tim, who was out of sight but within earshot, raised an eyebrow at the scene.
The next week, he knocked on the door of Dick’s room, covered in glue, feathers and glitter.
“He- Woah!” Dick said as he opened the door, finding a very unamused Tim on the other side “Okay, you’re not getting in here like that. What happened?”
“Steph happened.” Tim answered, flat toned and tired.
“I love how that explains so much and so little at the same time.” He sighed, supporting an arm on the door frame “What did she do?”
“Glue bucket on my door. Tripwire, then a bunch of feathers. And finally, a glitter bomb by my bathroom door.”
“Oh God.” He covered his mouth with a hand “Why?”
“Prank war. She took it a little too seriously.”
Dick rested his head on his forearm.
“Steph!” He yelled out “Come here!”
They heard footsteps, and the blonde girl emerged, laughing.
“Oh, man!” She said “This is the best one yet.”
“Steph, why would you do that?” He asked.
“Oh, so he can hack into my computers and change the names of all my files and I can’t play a little physical prank? I sent my teacher a very rude meme because of that. Almost got expelled.” She crossed her arms. Tim snickered.
“What?” Dick asked “Why?”
“Prank war.” Tim shrugged.
“Okay, you know what? No more prank wars until you two learn how to behave.” Dick said and pointed at Steph “You are cleaning all the mess you made in his bedroom. And you,” He pointed at Tim, and twisted his nose “Well, you are going to take a shower, and then you’re going to change back all that you messed with on her computer. And,” He kept going “Both of you are cleaning the batmobile after patrol for a week.”
“What? That’s not fair!” Steph complained.
“You’re right.” Dick said, scratching his chin “Okay then, Steph is cleaning the batmobile for a week and Tim can’t use the batcave before sunset and after three a.m. for a week.”
“What?!” Tim screamed “What do you expect me to do all day then?”
“Learn how to function in a healthy way? Anyways, complain too much, I’ll make it a month.” Dick answered.
“You can’t do that!” Steph complained “You’re not Batman.”
“Try me.” Dick squinted.
“Fine!” She threw her hands up, leaving “I’ll clean the stupid room and the stupid car.”
“Traitor.” Tim hissed, walking away.
Then three weeks after that, Batman came up to him in patrol, and, on top of a building, said:
“I need your assistance.”
“Sure. Who are we up against now?” Nightwing asked.
“Not... That kind of assistance.” Batman looked down “Your brothers keep talking in a weird way. I don’t understand the colloquialisms in their language, and I’m almost sure they are mocking me.”
Dick blinked a little under the mask.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I need you to stop them from doing that while we’re on patrol.”
“B, can’t you... I don’t know, you are their dad, not me!” He pointed out.
“But you are the one who gets them under control.” He shot back. They stared at each other “Please. Just while they are wearing the mask.” Dick sighed.
“Fine. I’ll talk to them.”
Later on, when they got back from patrol, Dick felt a little ridiculous having to explain to a bunch of masked heroes that they have to stop communicating in memes and insulting Batman when on patrol. And why it wasn’t okay even if it was to his face, Steph. Damian, of course, was let off the hook on that one. He had just recently grasped the concept of a meme, having declared on multiple ocasions that they were a stupid waste of internet data. Tim was personally offended by all of those declarations.
It didn’t take long for Dick to start correcting the family’s unhealthy habits after that. He had given Cass a “required socialization day”, to be performed at least once a month, Damian had mandatory off patrol days every two weeks, he dragged Bruce to bed every other night, and regulated Tim’s caffeine intake.
Duke was the best enforcer of his rules in the house. Not because he was brutal or particularly persuasive, but because he could instill guilt into the members of the family.
“Hey, Bruce, didn’t Dick tell you to go upstairs and grab lunch?” He asked, going down to the cave to practice. The man grunted as he set down his gym bag “Okay then. I just don’t know how you’ll deal with his broken heart when he sees you haven’t been taking care of yourself like you said you would. I mean, how can you even break a promise you’ve made to that guy? He worries so much about us, it’s-”
“Okay!” He exclaimed, getting up “Okay, I’ll go get lunch.”
Whenever Tim went to get a cup of coffee after seven p.m., Duke would stare at him until he poured the liquid in the sink. He could convince Jason to give up on any idea by saying ‘But what would Dick say?’, or ‘That would break your brother’s heart you know?’.
Duke’s proudest moment was the one time he managed to build up the courage to do it with Cass.
Dick had been telling her for weeks that she needed to rest. That training so much everyday is bad for her health. That she should try having fun in different ways. The man had been (and still kind of is) on a quest to find her a non-lethal hobby. But when Duke went down to the cave once, to fetch his forgotten water bottle, he found her training, and figured out why Dick had a frow on his face earlier.
“You know,” He started, testing the waters “Training so much can strain your muscles.” Cass shot him a look, but didn’t say anything “I’m just saying,” He put his hands up “Maybe you should listen to Dick. I mean, he’s usually not wrong about these things. And he’s been doing it for longer than we have.”
“What do you want?” She asked, annoyed.
“Me?” He placed his hands on his chest “I don’t want anything. I just think you have been working too hard. You deserve a break.”
“I don’t want a break.”
“Well, maybe you should take a break anyways. It would make Dick so happy.” She stared at him, and Duke kept going “You know, he was very upset earlier. Seeing that you have taken his advice would make him smile so much. He really cares about you, y’know? Sometimes, I think we all take him for granted, not realizing how much of his time he spends trying to-”
“Shut up.” Cass said, pushing him aside to climb up the stairs “I’ll take the break.”
Duke smiled to himself. Dick would most likely ask him how did he do it later. He’d smile and say ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t do anything’.
And he rarely ever got into trouble. Considering that the other five had set multiple rooms on fire, broken several pieces of expensive furniture and ruined the house’s plumbing system many times in the past, there wasn’t much Duke could do to be considered trouble. Dick would vent to him about the others and always asked him to report on their behaviours whenever he had to be away for too long.
Damian envied that. He could give much more detailed reports of incidents than Thomas could, and he was ready to die on that hill. Dick mentioned multiple times that this just wasn’t the point, and that if he could go at least a month without threatening to kill one member of the family then he’d consider asking for Damian’s help.
Damian would then argue that he wouldn’t threaten anyone if they weren’t such useless piles of meat with no functioning braincels and irritatingly deficient fighting skills, and Dick would take away his cellphone for the day.
But the moment they realized how much power he actually had was when Alfred started using him as a threat.
“Master Damian, please stop sharpening your sword in the living room. I’m sure you can do this down at the cave.”
“I’m asserting my dominance, Pennyworth.” Damian replied “Drake can hear this from the kitchen and therefore knows better than to continue his attacks.”
Alfred frowned.
“Master Damian, I’m certain there is a better way to handle the situation. I trust you can find that out by yourself, or should I ask for master Dick’s assistance?”
They got caught up in a staring match for a while. And then, the boy silently got up, and went to the cave. Alfred smiled to himself, before moving on to the kitchen.
“Master Timothy, I do believe you have been told not to tease your younger brother in the past.” Tim raised an eyebrow “If you insist on these antics, I will call master Dick.”
“I- um...” The teen started “Okay.”
Alfred nodded, and turned to Bruce, who was entering the kitchen.
“Ah, master Bruce. Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, or should I ask master Dick to call for you?”
Bruce froze and looked at Tim. The kid made a face.
“I will be joining you.” He answered, hesitant.
“How delightful.” The butler said, making his way out.
“Wha... What just happened?” Bruce asked.
“Alfred knows.” Tim said “We’re fucked.”
“Language.”
“Oh, leave me alone.” He shot back, sipping a freshly made cup of coffee “You’re not Dick.”
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saveyourblood · 5 years
Text
Stolen Dance | Ch. 2
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Notes: Is this only gonna get 3 notes and 0 reblogs? Yes. Do I give a fuck? nope!
Word Count: 5.6k
Warnings: None I can think of.
Song: Warm With You - Hayden Calnin
Part 1
Spencer was gone by morning. He had a plane to catch, so you understood. A part of you wished you had the chance to say a real, verbal goodbye, but your conscious knew a silent departure was for the better. Watching the only man you’ve had a mental, emotional, and physical connection with walk out the door would be plain cruel. It was better for him to disappear without a trace.
Only… it wasn’t without a trace. 
On the pillow Spencer hardly slept on was a note.
‘702-555-0103           Keep in touch. 
                 -Spencer.’
You were so, so screwed.
After taking a shower and getting dressed, you were still practically vibrating. The more you thought about it, the higher your hopes grew. You started thinking of alternate scenarios, a world where you and Spencer were in love and alone. A world where state lines and job interferences didn’t exist. The more you thought about it, though, the more you realized that a world like that could be true.
State lines exist. High-demand jobs exist. Families exist. No matter how badly you wanted it to be true, a single man couldn’t make all those things go away. And yet, you pulled out your phone and added his number to your contact list. Because when it came to Spencer Reid, you went against your better judgement. You ignored your instincts. You broke your own rules. Really, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
A knock on your door pulled you out of your fantasy.
You walked to the door and looked through the peephole. With a slight frown, you pulled away and opened the door.
“Agent Hotchner,” you said in surprise.
“Hello Y/N,” he greeted. Despite it being 7:30 in the morning, he was wearing a suit. You wondered if he ever got tired of doing so.
“How do you know where I live?” You asked.
“Sheriff Longman,” he answered simply. “May I come in?”
“If you want,” you shrugged, stepping aside so he could enter. You gestured to the small table in the kitchen. “Can I get you anything? Coffee, water..?”
“Coffee would be great, thanks.”
You brewed a pot while you were showering, so thankfully, it sat on the hotplate, full and ready to be poured. You took two mugs from the cupboard, put a splash of milk in one, and let only coffee fill the other. You took a seat across from Hotch, pushing the mug of black coffee towards him.
“Thank you,” he said, then observed the hot beverage. “What makes you think I take my coffee black?”
“You’re a man of authority, and judging by your composure, you have been for awhile,” you said. “The lines on your face and bags under your eyes suggest you don’t get much sleep, so considering this and your demanding career, you drink coffee to function. You got used to the taste, eventually.”
You raised your own mug to your lips, then laughed nervously in realization. “Sorry. After helping with the case, my filter came off.”
“How long have you been profiling?” Hotch asked.
“Since before I knew its name,” you answered. “My dad always said ‘people watching’ was my hobby. Most people just think I’m good at spotting liars.”
“What do you think?”
You shrugged. “I’ve been profiling for as long as I can remember. I like studying people’s habits, learning the way they think. Humans fascinate me.” You paused. “Why are you here, exactly?”
Hotch smiled briefly, probably at how long it took you to ask. “You weren’t at the station for very long yesterday.”
“I talked to Caleb while you guys were arresting Beck,” you explained. “We talked. By the time you got back, I knew what I needed to know.”
“Which is?”
“I messed up the profile.”
His eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “How so?”
“Caleb Chasing made mistakes when it came to his marriage, but he’s not a bad man. He told me it was his fault they ever got divorced, and that Stephanie didn’t win full custody, he gave it to her.”
“Really?” You nodded, sipping your drink. “It wasn’t court-ordered, but Caleb took the kids every other weekend. Stephanie agreed to that. I totally misread the situation.”
“You didn’t,” Hotch disagreed. “Your profile was spot on.”
You frowned. “How?”
“Stephanie was his type, and her divorce with Caleb was the stressor.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Austin didn’t kill because he was angry with Stephanie: he was angry with Caleb,” Hotch explained. “His love for Stephanie didn’t go away after she married, but his anger towards Caleb amplified.”
“He loved her so much that he didn’t kill Caleb,” you whispered in realization. “He wanted to hurt Caleb, but he knew it would hurt her, so he refrained.” Hotch nodded. 
“But why not just kill Caleb?” you said.
“Like you said, hurting Caleb would hurt Stephanie. Invert that logic.”
“The women were surrogates for Stephanie, and when he was done with them, he used them against Caleb.”
“Your profile was right,” Hotch repeated. “We brought in the wrong man, yes, but without Caleb, we never would have found Beck. We wouldn’t have found Caleb without your profile.”
“I’m just glad I could help,” you ceded. You paused. “Did he ever mention why he washed and folded the clothes?” “He thought he was doing Stephanie justice,” Hotch answered. “He made his victims take off their clothes before he raped them, and after killing them, he wanted to touch the body as little as possible. That’s why he didn’t redress them.”
“So there was no blood on their clothes,” you thought aloud. “Beck just genuinely thought he was doing them a service.”
Hotch nodded. You merely shuddered in response. 
“Have you ever considered becoming a Behavioral Analyst?” Hotch proceeded to ask.
You looked up in surprise. “That’s... not really an option around here,” you replied.
“You could relocate,” Hotch said. “You served in the Army, which means you could attend classes virtually anywhere, and they would be paid for.” 
“Are you offering me a job, Agent Hotchner?” You asked, confused.
“I can’t promise anything, but considering your background and natural abilities, I think it’d be fairly easy to find an opening for you in the BAU,” Hotch told you. “You proved yourself to everyone on my team, including myself. All you would need is the credentials. ...That is, if you’re interested.”
You bit your lip, considering your options.
Hotch wasn’t offering you anything concrete, but damn if he wasn’t offering you something. You hardly knew the man, yet something told you it wasn’t everyday that he told someone they’d make a good profiler, especially when said person isn’t even in law enforcement. Not to mention, he was absolutely right — your service in the Army covered the tuition of practically any school you could dream of going to. You could get your degree in New York, or California, or DC.
You could be within a few miles of Spencer, rather than a few hundred. 
When it came down to it, though, you didn’t live in a fairytale. Similar to your ‘relationship’ with Spencer, conflicts arose. You already had a job, and you loved it. Colorado, though not your favorite place to live, was home, and it wasn’t done with you yet. Life wasn’t as easy as moving across the country to pursue a career while courting a man who might not even be interested in you.
“I can’t leave,” you said quietly. “My life is here.” 
Hotch didn’t seem to react; over the years, he mastered his poker face.
“It’s a lot to think about,” Hotch sympathized, “and I don’t expect an immediate answer. In fact, I don’t need an answer at all. All I ask is that you consider.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small card. “If you need anything, give me a call.”
Two phone numbers from two men in the span of two days. It seemed as though your bad luck charm was officially broken. 
It took you 3 months to call Spencer. It wasn’t that you forgot, or met someone else — he crossed your mind everyday. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to speak to him.
For a long time, you tried convincing yourself that he didn’t really care. You decided he gave you his number out of charity, or because he didn’t want to be a guy who has meaningless sex. It took you a long time to consider the fact that he might actually like you, might actually want to spend time with you. That he might want to see you again as desperately as you wanted to see him.
Once you came to this conclusion, an opportunity fell in your lap.
You decided to finally call Spencer right before your shift started. Other people probably considered it to be the worst possible time, but you thought through your plan for days before the execution. Your work kept you busy, which meant you wouldn’t have time to think about your boy troubles. You’d be too busy saving lives. Also, your shift was at night, so by the time you got home, you’d be too exhausted to let your worries keep you up. It seemed like a win-win situation.
When everyone left the locker room, you sat down on the bench with a nervous breath. Your stomach was in knots and it got harder to breathe with each passing second. Biting the bullet, you went to your contact list, scrolled down to the “S” section, and dialed the first name you read.
After 3 rings, the call went to voicemail. Though this partially worried you, it mostly made you feel relieved. It would be so much easier talking to his answering machine.
‘This is Dr. Spencer Reid. I can’t come to the phone right now, so please, leave a message,’  a recording of his voice said.
It wasn’t a fake number. You sighed, endlessly grateful.
“Hi, Spencer,” you said, sounding like you had just run a marathon. You cleared your throat in an attempt to sound more composed. “This is Y/N, the paramedic from Colorado,” you said. “I was invited to this wedding in Vegas, and I was wondering if you wanted to be my plus one. It’s over the weekend, so you should be back to work by Monday.” 
You laughed nervously. “I honestly don’t know if you even remember me. If you don’t, or if you don’t want to go, please ignore this message. If you do remember me, and you do want to go, feel free to text me or give me a call back. That’s it, I guess. Goodbye, Dr. Reid.”
The butterflies in your stomach dispersed by the time you hung up. You ran your hands through your hair, feeling both triumphant and anxious. You pushed the latter emotion to the side. The worst part was over. The ball was in his court. 
_____________________
Your shift was the longest you’d had in a while. You resuscitated a middle-aged man, tended to to the bloody aftermath of a bar fight, and delivered a baby, all within the span of your 12-hour shift. Normally, your days were much, much slower. The silver lining was that you didn’t have a second to spare, which meant  you went half a day without thinking of Spencer and the voicemail you left for him. That aspect of your plan worked out pretty well.
Once you got home, you tossed your coat onto the table and dropped your bag to the floor. You were exhausted. Despite the change of clothes you went through in the middle of the night, you still smelled like blood and other various bodily fluids. Oh, the glamour of working in the medical field. 
Not wanting to bring the grime of your job into your bed, you hopped into the shower. You were in and out quick, deciding against washing your hair. You only wanted to clean up so you could get some sleep.
Once you were out of the bathroom, you walked back into your bedroom. You checked your phone, which you left on the nightstand. You had one text left unread.
‘Spencer: which weekend?’
So much for sleeping.
_____________________
Over the next month, you and Spencer worked out the details. The wedding was a great excuse, but Spencer actually proposed the idea of spending more time together, which may or may not have made you squeal. Thankfully, you were alone when you read the text, so only you had to live with the embarrassment.
The wedding was on Saturday. The flight he ended up scheduling was for Wednesday. He’d spend the night at your apartment, and on Thursday morning, the two of you would start a 7+ hour road trip to Nevada.
You enjoyed road trips already, so the idea of spending that time with Spencer seemed almost too good to be true. Plus, the fact that two nights would be spent at a hotel was no accident. You wanted to drag those 7 hours out for as long as possible, and Spencer didn’t seem too opposed to the idea. 
If everything went according to plan, the two of you would be back in Colorado by Monday, and his returning flight was scheduled for Tuesday morning. Almost an entire week of nothing but him. You could only hope he was as excited as you were.
Though it seemed like a fantasy, Wednesday did come. You stood in the airport, holding a sign that read “Dr. Spencer Reid”. Mostly, it was a joke, but a part of you thought he may have forgotten your face.
Eventually, you saw a tall, gangly brunette with glasses make his way down the escalator. Your face broke into a smile as you lifted the sign above your head. You managed to catch Spencer’s attention. He broke into a grin. 
Once he made his way through the crowd, Spencer simply stood in front of you for a moment. He looked your frame up and down, taking in every inch of beauty he saw. His eyes met yours.
“Hi,” he said quietly, smiling.
“Hello,” you responded. 
The two of you chuckled and hugged each other.
He was quite a bit taller than you, so moments after wrapping your arms around him, you felt his chin settle onto your shoulder. When he adjusted, you felt his lips against your neck. You held him tighter.
“You look… amazing,” he said breathlessly, pulling away. He kept his hands on your arms.
Your face was beginning to hurt because of how much you were smiling. “Thank you. So do you.”
You reached your hand up, carding your fingers through his hair. “You cut your hair.”
“You like it?” He asked. There was a small, almost microscopic nervous edge in his voice.
“I like you,” you said simply.
That earned you a kiss.
To anyone passing by, the two of you looked like any average couple: happy to be reunited, and happy to be in love. Oh, how you wished it was that simple.
You weren’t sure Spencer was in love. You weren’t sure you were in love, if you were completely honest. All you knew was that around him, the world disappeared, at least for a little while. No one’s made you feel that way in your life, not even before you joined the Army. 
You saw some things overseas, some things you wanted desperately to forget. You thought resigning and returning home would fix that, make you forget. All it seemed to do so far, though, was distract you with other things you also didn’t want to think about. It seemed like, no matter how hard you tried, you could no longer see in color. Since the Army, since your father… you saw the world in black and white.
Not around him, though. Around him, there was more color than you could fathom. Instead of trying to figure out why, you kissed him. You kissed him, and for the life of you, you didn’t want to stop. 
By Thursday evening, the two of you had been on the road for almost 4 ½ hours. You had done most of the driving, but you didn’t mind. With Spencer in the passenger seat, you could be occupied for days.
All you had to do was ask about a highway or a structure you passed, and for the next 15 minutes, Spencer would tell stories. You were sure some people found it annoying — he stopped his rants several times to see if you were still interested. That broke your heart a little. You understood that his job could have intense moments where only basic information is needed, but you had a feeling that wasn’t the only time people cut him off. It made you sad to think he got shot down when talking about the things he loved.
“Are you sure I’m not talking too much?” Spencer asked for the millionth time.
You smiled. Your window was open, so your hair was blown back and your arm rested on the ledge. “I’m sure,” you promised. “Have you ever been to Vegas?”
“Vegas is where I grew up.”
“Wow, really?” you said in surprise. You’d never thought to ask. “You’ll have to show me around, then. I've never been.”
“You’ll fit in,” he assured. A brief silence washed over the car. “Did you grow up in Colorado?”
“Yeah, I did,” you nodded. “I grew up in Grand Junction, actually.”
“You never left?”
“Except for when I served,” you confirmed.
“How did that happen?” Spencer asked. “I mean, was joining the Army something you always wanted to do?”
You stiffened at the question. In an attempt to relax, you cleared your throat. 
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”
You smiled sadly. “No, it’s… it’s okay. I just… I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone why.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Spencer assured. 
You considered for a moment. “I do,” you eventually said, tapping your thumb against the steering wheel. “I want to tell you.”
He didn’t say anything; he simply waited for you to start.
“Do you remember the bar?” you asked, mostly rhetorically. “How you sat next to me, asked me why I profiled Derek instead of you?”
“I remember.”
“Do you remember when I said I have trust issues because my father wronged me?” You asked, this time, quieter.
You saw him nod in your peripheral vision. 
“That wasn’t exactly true,” you said. “I mean, it wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the full story. You see, my dad didn’t wrong me so much as he… died.”
“I’m sorry, Y/N.”
You shrugged, wishing it was enough to brush off the feeling. “I was 16. Losing him made me lose myself for awhile, you know? He was there one second, gone the next, and I had to live with it. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of Colorado, start fresh. The Army did that for me. Plus, I got to help people. It seemed like a win-win situation.” 
“You made the best of a bad situation,” Spencer said. “You should be proud of yourself.”
“I did get to help people,” you thought vocally. “That part was nice. The PTSD… not as nice.” 
Spencer laughed sadly. “It never is.”
You decided to leave it at that.
The wedding was the part of your vacation you least looked forward to. However, you had to admit: you and Spencer looked incredible. You wore a short navy dress, he rented a matching suit. You turned heads in the church, at the reception. You swore the bride gave you a dirty look at one point. You didn’t care. All you cared about was Spencer’s hand on your waist as the two of you danced. 
“Why did it take you so long to call?” Spencer asked during a slow song. His lips were close to your ear. His breath against your skin made a pleasant chill go down your spine. 
“Life got in the way,” you muttered. It was a poor excuse, but it was hard to put into words that you wanted to see him but thought you couldn’t. Or rather, that you shouldn’t.
“I missed you,” he admitted. 
“Oh yeah?” you teased. “What did you miss?”
“Being around you,” Spencer said. He pulled away a bit so he could look you in the eye. “You’re the only person who’s never looked at me like I’m crazy. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are great, but… they don’t understand. You do.”
You set a hand on his cheek. He leaned into the touch.
“I wish you were closer,” he said softly.
“Me too,” you agreed. “But right here, right now, we’re together. Let’s make the most of that, hm?”
He kissed you in silent agreement. 
You were pouring a second cup of hotel coffee when you felt Spencer’s arms wrap around your waist. You turned around in his grip, offering him a mug while you took a sip from the other.
“Thank you,” he said as he accepted the coffee. He kept one arm around you. 
“What’s on the agenda today, Dr. Reid?” you asked curiously. 
“It’s a surprise,” he said, pulling you closer. 
“Another casino?” you asked. “I like watching you call people’s bluff. It’s kind of hot.”
He chuckled. “Not a casino. I’m taking you somewhere special. Well, it’s special to me, at least.”
“I’m excited,” you grinned, running a hand down his chest. “You know that means you’ll have to put a shirt on, right?” 
“I will,” he assured, setting his mug on the table. “Eventually.”
He then took your mug and set it beside his. This confused you at first, but you quickly realized why: Spencer picked you up by the waist.
You set your hands on his shoulders, tilting your head back and letting out a laugh. “What are you doing?! Put me down!”
Spencer threw you on the bed and crawled on top of you. He kissed you feverishly.
“Still want me to put a shirt on?”
You traced his collarbone with your index finger, humming softly. “Maybe later.”
You let Spencer drive to wherever he was taking you, as the element of surprise seemed to be important. You stared out the window for most of the trip, enjoying the scenery that passed you by. Your hand was on Spencer’s thigh, and his hand was on top of yours. It was brief moments like those that you let yourself believe you and him were in a relationship. 
Spencer eventually pulled into a parking lot. You let yourself look at the building he parked in front of. In a plain, black font, the sign above the  doors read ‘Bennington Sanitarium’. You turned your attention to Spencer.
“Do you trust me?” He asked instead of explaining.
You turned your hand over and laced your fingers with his. “Of course.” 
The two of you got visitor passes quickly; it mostly likely  meant he visited often. You weren’t sure how to feel about that.
As the two of you were lead through to building, you held Spencer’s hand. When you were shown to an open room that resembled something of  a lounge, you felt his grip falter. You took it as a queue to let go. You let your hand fall back to your side, suddenly feeling cold.
A woman with short, blonde hair in a long sweater stood up upon seeing Spencer. She was obviously older than both of you, but she carried her age with grace. She had wrinkles only a mother could get.
“Hi, mom,” Spencer greeted warmly. 
The woman smiled and hugged him.
“Hello, Spencer,” she returned. 
When she pulled away, she noticed you. 
“Who’s this?” She asked.
“Her name’s Y/N. She’s my…”
“Friend,” you finished for him. You stuck your hand out with a smile.
Though hesitant, the woman shook your hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Y/N, this is Diana Reid. My mother.” 
Diana looked to her son. “She’s pretty.”
“Mom!”
“What? It’s not like you didn’t notice,” she teased. She turned her attention to you. “Do you work with Spencer?”
“No,” you shook your head with a chuckle. “Well, not exactly. We met when he was working a case.”
“No conflict of interest…” Diana noted. Spencer gave her a look, but said nothing. “Do you play poker, Y/N?” “Not as well as Spencer, but I try,” you replied. 
You headed out of Vegas early the next day. You wanted to get a head start before the morning traffic, and besides, you knew it would be nice for Spencer if he got some real sleep before his flight. You didn’t want to think about the fact that your time with him was ending, though, so you pushed that thought to the back of your mind. 
“Why did you take me meet your mother?” you asked softly. Spencer opted to take the first half the drive back home. You agreed, hoping the silence would clear your head.
“She’s my biggest secret,” Spencer said. “It took me years to tell anyone on the team she’s been in treatment since I was 18.”
“Why tell me?”
“You told me about your dad. I thought it was only fair you learn something ugly about me and my life.”
You reached a hand out, brushing back some of his hair. “Nothing about you is ugly.” 
When your hand hovered over his cheek, Spencer turned his hand to kiss your palm. You smiled. 
“Thank you for trusting me with your secret,” you told him.
He smiled. “Thank you for letting me.” 
The radio played quietly in the backdrop. The songs changed, and you recognized the faint beginning. You turned up the dial and sang along.
“A year from now, we’ll all be gone, all our friends will move away,”  You sang, mostly to yourself. “And they’re going to better places, but our friends will be gone away. Nothing is as it has been, and I miss your face like hell,” you sang a bit louder, mostly so Spencer could hear. “And I guess it’s just as well,” you reached a hand up, running your thumb along his jaw. “...But I miss your face like hell.” 
The rest of the ride was like a dream come true. At the halfway mark, you pulled over, got some lunch, and switched places. Other than that, the two of you sang, talked, sang some more, and stole kisses when the other person wasn’t paying attention. Of course, you were driving, so the kisses were nothing more than a peck on the cheek. Still, you blushed and giggled every time his lips touched your skin. 
Maybe this weekend was a pipe dream, a delusion you’d soon awake from or a phase you’d outgrow. You didn’t really care. For a brief moment in time, you were in love. That’s what you chose to care about. That what you made matter. 
_____________________
That night, your head rested on Spencer’s chest. You listened to his heart, and it seemed like with every beat, he pulled you a little bit closer. You felt euphoric. 
And yet, at the same time, you felt guilty. 
“Spencer?” you asked quietly, like if you spoke to loudly, the moment would evaporate. “Can I tell you something?”
“Anything,” he promised. His hands ran up and down your back, as if to assure you.
“Hotchner came to see me the morning before your flight home,” you said. “He asked if I had any interest in becoming a profiler.”
Spencer shifted, sitting up against the bed frame. You sat up as well. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him.
“Y/N, that’s… incredible,” he said with a laugh of blissful disbelief.
Your head shot up. “Really?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Spencer asked. “You’d make an excellent profiler, and you’d be a welcome addition to the team. Plus, we could use someone with your sort of medical expertise.” 
You smiled smally. “You think so?”
He took your hand, squeezing lightly. “There’s not a doubt in my mind.” 
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier,” you apologized. “I’ve spent these last few months thinking.” 
“I understand; it’s a lot to think about.” 
As always, Dr. Spencer Reid was completely and utterly right. 
Saying goodbye at the airport turned out to be a lot harder than you thought. 
You sat side by side for a long time, holding hands and listening to music. You shared one set of earbuds, and the two of you took turns choosing the music. Spencer once mentioned that he mostly listened to Classical music, but he seemed to be enjoying the songs you introduced him to. And, surprisingly, you enjoyed the ones he chose too. You used to think you didn’t like classical music. 
At one point, during a song he picked out, Spencer began to tap his fingers against your knee. You were leaned against his body, one leg crossed over the other, so it was easy for him to rest his arm on your thigh and tap your knee. It took you a few seconds to realize he was ‘playing’ the song on your knee as he would play it on the piano. 
Eventually, his flight was called, and the two of you had to part ways. You stood up, and tears began to well in your eyes. You cleared your throat, forcing a smile on your face.
“I had a good time this last week,” you told Spencer. “I had a really, really good time.”
He smiled. “I did too.”
You felt a tear make its way down your face. You wiped it away hastily. “I hate goodbyes.”
Spencer moved in, kissing your forehead and wrapping an arm around your waist. “Hello, Y/N.” 
You chuckled, leaning into his touch. “Hello, Dr. Reid.” 
_____________________
“What did you do with your time off?” your mother asked, pouring hot water into your mug. She insisted on making you tea instead of coffee — something about how you should cut back on caffeine. 
“I went to Natalie’s wedding,” you answered, taking a careful sip.
She frowned. “The one in Vegas?”
You nodded.
“You hate going to weddings,” your mom said, taking a seat at the table across from you. 
“I hate going to weddings alone,” you corrected.
You bobbed your tea bag up and down. You chose to look at the movement rather than the look you knew was on your mother’s face.
“Who did you go with?”
“Dr. Spencer Reid,” you replied. Even in your peripheral vision, you could see your mom’s jaw drop. 
“‘Doctor’?” She asked. “How old is he?”
“My age,” you responded. “He’s not an MD: he has a few doctorates, is all.”
“A few? And he’s your age? Who is this man, Einstein?”
“He’s definitely a genius,” you assured with a laugh.
“How’d you meet him?”
“Oh, he works for the FBI,” you answered. You tried to sound as casual as you possibly could.
“How did you manage to meet an FBI agent?” She paused. “You met him because of those girls, didn’t you?”
You tried not to think about that too often; it made you feel dirty. What happened to those girls was horrible, and it didn’t feel fair that one of the best things in your life happened because of their suffering. In fact, the guilt that fact caused you was part of the reason why you didn’t tell Spencer about Hotch’s offer.
“I did,” you confirmed. “I like him, mom. I like him a lot.” 
She smiled, setting a hand on your cheek. “I’m glad you do, hon.” she moved her hand away to take a sip from her own mug. “How often do you get to see Spencer?”
“Not often enough,” you said. 
“Is all you wanted to talk about, Y/N?” She asked. “You sounded worried over the phone…”
You sighed. “I applied to the University of Virginia… and I got accepted. I can start in Spring.”
“That’s… amazing,” your mom praised. “Since when did you want to go back to school?” 
“Since I realized the world is bigger than Colorado,” you replied. “Bigger than the Army, even.”
“What will you be going for?”
“Psychology for sure. At least a Masters, maybe a PhD if I’m feeling adventurous.”
“Will you be working while you take classes? They could use a Paramedic like you anywhere,” your mom said.
“Mom, I never said I was going,” you told her.
“Why wouldn’t you?! It’s an incredible opportunity,” she argued.
“I know. It’s just… not here. I wouldn’t be in Colorado anymore.”
“So? Like you said, the world is bigger than Colorado,” she said. The expression on her face changed. “Honey, don’t stay here for me. Seriously, don’t. I can’t live with that.”
“It wouldn’t be your choice,” you said. “Besides, it’s not just about you. It’s about me too, you know.”
“It’s about your father,” your mother disagreed softly. She took your hand. “If Virginia will make you happy, then go to Virginia. You’ll visit me, I’ll visit you… We’ll make it work. Promise me you won’t stay for me, for your dad, or for anyone else.”
“I left you once,” you said weakly, shame in your voice and heart. “Dad died, and 2 years later, I left. I can’t just leave you again, Mom.”
“You’re not leaving me,” she promised. “You’re living. That’s what your dad would want you to do.” She squeezed your hand. “It’s what I want you to do.” 
After awhile, you nodded.
You always thought you were good at leaving. Maybe now, you’d be good at living. You couldn’t wait to start living, especially if it meant Spencer would be by your side.  
_____________________
Part 3
153 notes · View notes
inactiive-shit · 5 years
Text
Memes Make For Serious Business, Pt. 2
Memes, Pt. 1
Warnings: None
Pairings: Romantic Analoceit, ambiguous (but leaning toward QPP) Royality, sibilng-style Prinxiety
Words: 2,039
So. You may have guessed. That this is Memes Pt. 2. I just reblogged part one in case anyone finds this and needs to read that. It will be right under this. Don’t we just love a sequel? Anyway, this is Virgil giving the news to Roman and Patton. Enjoy!
They were at Roman’s house this time. Virgil was holding a buzzer in one hand, and so was Roman. They were both decked out in their finest Disney merch, though Roman felt as though he were definitely the more prepared in this scenario.
He was also wondering if he should take it easy on Virgil this year. The boyfriend hoard had all stayed over last night, but Virgil had woken up this morning puking. Roman had immediately offered to postpone the duel until Virgil wasn’t sick. Virgil had insisted he was fine, which was normal. Virgil never admitted when he was sick. He hated being sick so much that when it did happen he pretended he was fine to the point that you wouldn’t know unless he puked right in front of you.
Which he had.
What was weird about the situation was the boyfriend hoard: they weren’t concerned. In fact, they had even agreed with Virgil. And with all three of them insisting he was fine, well, Roman really couldn’t object again, could he? Virgil was already talking smack about winning this year, and breaking the tie, and he certainly didn’t look sick now. If he puked again, Roman would set up enforced bed rest and he knew that Patton would be on his side from the worried looks he kept sending their way. But unless that happened, Roman didn’t feel like it was in his power to do anything, best friend or not.
Still, there was something strange going on here.
“We’ll start with the first Disney movie ever made,” Logan said from the podium. Roman’s fairly sure that Logan stole it from a lecture hall years ago when he lost a debate. Roman hadn’t been there when it happened, and he couldn’t rightfully say it was true, but the tail added spice to Logan’s bland character, and also there was a shine in his sneaky eyes that made the idea of Logan being some sort of international criminal all too possible. Call him a fool, but Roman believed in magic and he also believed that Logan was capable of heinous acts.
“Round One is: Snow White. Contestants, are you ready?”
“Uhhh-ffirmative, boss man,” Virgil said.
“Ready to kick names and take ass.” Roman stuck his tongue out at Virgil, and Virgil flipped him off.
“Right. Question one: how many dwarves are there?”
Roman slammed his hand down on the buzzer. “Seriously, Logan? That’s child’s play.”
“And that, Roman, was not the correct answer.” Roman squawked indignantly as Virgil hit his buzzer and shouted the answer. Dee was practically doubled over with laughter, and Roman heard him mutter, “we may not even have to use the secret weapon at this rate.”
“Did you just say secret weapon? Judge, they’re conspiring to cheat!” Roman yelled at Logan. Logan shrugged.
“Dee, you know the rules.”
“Yes, of course. So does Patton,” Dee said. Virgil punched him in the shoulder, but he was trying not to laugh too.
There was something fishy going on. Roman needed to figure out what.
“Hey, kiddo. I would never do anything against the rules.” Patton held up his hands. Roman watched as he made intense eye contact with Dee, all with the look of angel on his face. “Cheating is bad.”
“So is-”
“Alright, alright. Enough. Point goes to Team Off-Brand Cereal. They lead with a score of 1-0.” Logan pulled the next index card out of the stack. “Question two: What is the Prince’s name in Snow White and The Seven Dwarves?”
Patton pressed the buzzer with a lot less force than Roman had. “What is Prince Florian,” Patton answered promptly. He smiled at Logan.
“Correct. Point to-”
Dee hit their buzzer. “What is Prince Buckethead.”
“Dee, we already said the-”
“Also correct,” Logan announced. “Point to Team Home Of Sexual and Team Off-Brand Cereal.”
“You’re including double answers?” Roman exclaimed. “Oh, it is on.” Patton laughed loudly next to him.
“That’s my specialty,” he said coyly, and wrapped an arm through Roman’s. “I know all the double answers.”
“I know more,” Dee said, taking a sip from his red bull. Virgil looked at it longingly. Before Patton could retort, Virgil mumbled,
“Can I have some?”
“No.”
“But I want some.”
“No.”
“Logaaaaan,” Virgil whined. Virgil made grabby hands at the can, and Roman snorted.
“Where’s your coffee at, emo nightmare?” Virgil groaned and dropped his head onto the table.
“Virgil is not allowed to have caffeine,” Logan said. “He’s trying to fix his sleeping habits.” Virgil groaned again.
“Okay, what deceitful trick are you three trying to pull?” Roman exclaimed. “You’ve been acting suspicious all day. And Virgil would never willingly give up coffee.”
“It’s not willing,” Virgil grumbled.
“Virgil can do whatever he wants with his sleeping habits when it’s affecting him. However, when he keeps me up until four a.m. and I have work the next morning, it becomes an everyone problem,” Logan said. He gestured at Virgil. “See this? This is a good night’s sleep and healthy consumption of addictive substances.”
“I can’t have any,” Virgil said. He switched his glare between Logan and Dee. “I blame you two for this.”
“I stand by this being a good decision,” Logan said. He looked pleased and happier than the conversation really called for.
“Okay, but why is Dee still drinking it then?” Patton asked. “That’s kind of mean to just taunt him with it.”
“I don’t keep everyone up until work the next morning talking about conspiracy theories when I drink energy drinks. I just vibrate until I can feel my skin falling off.” This brought everything to a pause.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have that either,” Logan said slowly. Dee pulled the can closer to his chest and hissed.
“One thing at a time, Logan,” Logan muttered, closing his eyes.
“Well, um, okay. Maybe we should get back to the game, kiddo? Question Three, right?” Patton said.
“You’re still acting weird, but you’re also going down,” Roman said. Virgil smirked back.
“In your dreams, Princey.” Dee blew a kiss over Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil nodded at Logan. “Question three. We’re ready.”
“Question Three,” Logan said, “in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, how many songs are sung?”
Roman smacked the buzzer. “Eight!”
“Correct,” Logan intoned. He sounded less like a game show host and more like a robot being tortured, but Roman would take the win either way. “Point to Team Home Of Sexual, with a score of 2-2.”
Roman sent one last glance at Virgil, and then turned back to the game. If he wanted to play the game while at an obvious disadvantage, that was his decision. If he wanted to do it without coffee, of all things, then that was also his decision. Roman couldn’t make him wait out whatever weird thing was going on. He could only wipe the floor with Virgil and then insist on him getting some rest after.
 Three Hours Later
 “Stop throwing things at each other! Where did you even get Monopoly pieces? We’re not playing Monopoly! Patton, stop trying to look at my cards!” Logan yelled. Both sides settled down a little bit. Logan huffed, notecards cradled to his chest. “Alright, thank you. Any disputes can be handled as civilized people and not whatever kind of show you all put on right there.” Logan shook his head. A checker fell out of his hair. “As judge, your opinions don’t matter anyway because I get final say.”
Roman held his breath as Logan glanced over the card and then at the teams. “Virgil said it more quickly, but Roman pressed the buzzer first. Point goes to...Team Home Of Sexual.” Roman and Patton whooped and hugged each other, and Virgil grumbled something about broken buzzers. Logan waved his hands again.
“Okay, okay. Settle down. Nobody’s won yet.” Logan had looked more and more exasperated as the game went on. He was practically slumping now. Roman didn't know how Virgil and Dee got him to go along with this, how they convinced him to ref, but Roman probably didn't want the details on that anyway. “Listen up,” Logan said. “There is only one question left. You're tied. So whoever gets the next question will be the winner of the competition.” He looked between the teams. “I only have one question left. Please, do not cheat.” Logan sighed and looked down at his notecards. “Are you ready?”
“Ready, Lolo,” Virgil chirped, voice too sweet to be anything but scheming. Roman sent a suspicious look at them, but nodded his agreement.
“Settling this, once and for all.”
“Good. The last question pertains to: The Incredibles.” Patton whooped. It was one of his favorites. “What phrase does Dash say when the family’s camper stops rolling through Downtown Metroville?”
“VIRGIL’S PREGNANT!” Dee shouted, cutting Roman off.
Virgil hit the buzzer. “Let’s do that again!”
“Virgil’s correct,” Logan announced.
“That’s cheating!” Roman yelled. “You can’t just yell that Virgil’s-Virgil’s...what?” Both Roman and Patton stared at Virgil. Roman had never been quite so confused before in his life, and college was mostly made of apathetic confusion, so that was saying a lot. Then Patton started shaking next to him.
“Virge?” he said with a huge smile across his face.
“Yeah,” Virgil said. He smiled. “I’m pregnant.” Patton stared for a second, and then Roman got up and walked across the room and wrapped Virgil in a hug. Which would have been nice, except then he tightened his grip, lifted, and started spinning. Virgil squawked something to the effect of “put me down, you asshole!” but Roman was chanting something about Virgil having a baby version of himself and Patton was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe and Dee and Logan were sitting side-by-side absolutely not helping Virgil at all.
Eventually, Roman did put him down and Patton darted in for a hug, just as exuberant but with a lot less spinning, and then Roman was hugging him again and Virgil had to laugh, even if he thought it was a bit ridiculous.
“Alright, alright,” Virgil said, hugging back. Roman could see Patton doing his best to get both Dee and Logan in a hug at the same time. They were both about as huggable as a cactus, even if Patton was doing a commendable job.
“Virge, this is incredible!” Roman exclaimed, and then gasped. “The Incredibles! You dirty cheater!” He never let go of Virgil, but he did glare at Dee.
“As Roman so aptly noted, what you did was cheating,” Logan said. “That means you end another competition in a tie game. Which you knew would happen when you decided your last ditch effort at winning was cheating.”
“Woe is me,” Dee intoned flatly. Roman snorted in Virgil’s ear.
“Another year lost to our mutual love for Disney,” Roman lamented dramatically and swung Virgil up into his arms. Virgil yelped again and then grumbled as Roman went stalking out of the room.
“Roman, where are you taking him?” Logan called after them.
“We are going to marathon Disney until none of us can keep our eyes open! Getting an early start on prep for next year. And then we are going to all sleep in a giant pile on the floor, as is the only sensical solution after such a day of ups and downs!”
“There’s nothing sensical about it,” Logan muttered but followed them into the living room nonetheless. All five of them set about making the perfect pillow nest, and then Roman set up a queue of movies that was almost acceptable for everyone. And as Virgil curled up, suspiciously in the middle of everyone, he smiled.
“Hey, Ro?” he whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Dee and I are going to have another player on our team this time next year. Which means you’ll be out-numbered.”
Roman felt his eyes go wide, and he looked imploringly at Patton. “Patton, my dearheart, my love, my sweetest darling, my-”
“Shut up,” Logan hissed.
“-sweetie pie, we absolutely must adopt a child.”
“Oooooh!” Patton cried at the same time as Dee groaned and Logan shouted, “NO!” Virgil cackled from his spot curled into Roman’s side, and Roman knew, without a doubt, that things were about to get a whole lot cuter.
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0389: Proactive Contractors Use Lien Services To Protect Cash Flow
This Podcast Is Episode Number 0389, And It's About Proactive Contractors Use Lien Services To Protect Cash Flow
Proactive versus reactive are the two methods of getting something done. I find everyone works in a combination of both, I included. Proactive is scheduling and doing everything ahead of time. Nothing is ever waiting until the last minute. Reactive is more emergency driven and are things that need to be done now. As much as we plan, it would be best if you were flexible, adaptable, and reliant. Things happen that are beyond your immediate control. Those of you who want a predictable environment are employees working for a large employer where schedules are fixed, and they are doing the same things every day.
It was a different mindset when you became a construction contractor. You wanted to be independent, and part of being independent is that there is no one telling you what to do or when to do it. Your suppliers and government agencies direct you and impose fines and penalties when you get off track.
The current economic climate is challenging for other reasons I will not go into. My point is there is a reason why things occur; trust the Universe, and when you are in the middle of it, that is not the time to make rash decisions.
If you have time to spare, I sincerely encourage you to work on your systems and processes. Think and write down everything done well in the past and review what needs to be fixed, upgraded, discarded, and improved upon.
Be Proactive About "Tactical" Issues - Get your tools and equipment in shape, clean, and ready to roll! Clean out the storage area, return, recycle, and dispose of the material you don't need and will not use.
Be Proactive About "Strategic" Issues - If you have thought about firing your Bad Bookkeeper, you are already 15 minutes too late! Replace that wealth prevention tool with a Strategic Bookkeeping Service. Develop a Business Process Management Strategy so that when the economy turns, you will be ready. Better yet, if your strategy is right, you may not be as affected by the economy. Food for thought, bread for the head!
Let's walk through some scenarios:
You choose the type of work that you do. 
Are you a General Contractor or a Trade Contractor?
Do you hire Trade Contractors (1099 contractors) or have W2 Employees?
Additional choices are:
New Construction
Residential Remodels
Service and Repair
Commercial.
As a brand new contractor, the challenge is getting work to do.
Declare all sales, including the tiny ones that you may be tempted to put into "hip national bank." 
The amount of tax is nominal; the impact of not doing it can be huge. Part of what you are looking at is Customer Headcount documents; you are a real business. Customer headcount can make all the difference globally, especially if you have only a couple of general contractors you work with. 
Hiring an outside bookkeeping firm also counts to prove you are trying to be a "real business" even if you work full time and do contract nights, evenings, and weekends. Starting on the right foot and mindset is essential.
Why? - Otherwise, the state worker's comp may reclassify you as an employee of the general contractor. This can lead to additional payroll taxes, fines, penalties, and higher rates as you advance. Be above board and fill out W9.  If your attitude is "It's Not My Problem," please close your company and get out! 
No one around you needs the additional liability and stress; being in business is hard enough to keep ahead. 
Watch out for the customers who are looking not to pay you the value of your services. 
These can be other contractors where you are working as a trade contractor or retail clients. Understand the rules about Notice To The Owner, and each state may have different laws. 
On larger jobs, make it a habit to do Notice Of Intent To Lien. The notice is not saying you will lien but protects your rights if you are not getting paid promptly. RED FLAG anytime a homeowner or general contractor implies you will not get the job if you do not do this. DO IT NOW – USE A SERVICE.
Run, don't walk. If you are being threatened, then chances are they do not intend to pay you. 
Your supplier, whenever material is delivered, will automatically do a Notice Of Intent To Lien. This is a good thing because they help make sure you and they get paid for the job's material. 
As a construction accountant, I hear stories every day. Some are from contractors who gleefully brag about how the estimates are rejected unless a discount is given (even when they know the price is reasonable). In my opinion, these are not good customers, just professional scammers. A successful contractor knows his pricing and wants to give his customers good value and pay a fair price to their services.
I have heard people bragging about not paying the contractor in social settings unless additional unpaid work is completed. It takes a lot for a customer (I mean scammer) to get on "The Bad List" of fast food places. 
Do you have clients, customers, or professional scammers?
Just a fence create good neighbors; using a lien service helps you get paid. The alternative is you are racking up your credit card and spending lots of interest. It is an incentive to pay you. Those who never plan to scam; do not have a problem. In my opinion, it is the scammers who object the loudest. 
It is hard enough to be a Contractor; this is an easy way to get rid of those who never intend to pay you. 
Reactive needs to engage in a service that factors your Accounts Receivables, and more desperate forms of financing are when you have a Quick, Fast Loan that requires daily or weekly repayments. 
Summary: The least painful is to collect the money from your client. If being a little aggressive to enforce your lien rights is needed – Do It. – Do It Now, because your general contractors are protecting their lien rights.  
In some states, if you are out of business, you can not collect your outstanding Accounts Receivables. 
You can't spend or invest money you do not have. It is unreasonable to expect your suppliers to accept your credit card to pay your invoices, and you refuse to do the same. 
The excuse you can't afford it; the rates are too high; I want you to refer back to the high cost of No Money or get a high-risk loan. In comparison using merchant services is cheap, and funding is usually in 1-2 days. Both clients and customers typically have a credit card tucked away for emergencies. Polite and tactful do not make your client "feel bad" if they need to split up the payment between several cards. 
Final thoughts
Practice what we preach. It is by exception that I take checks even from local clients. We offer a Free One Hour Consultation in which I try to provide value regardless of you purchasing future services from us.
Affectionately, I summarize my role for Outsourced Accounting Clients is Nurture, Nap, and Follow Up.
In other words, I can say the same things other people around you say, but it comes out better. On the flip-side, we have been in construction and construction-related services a long time and know "BS" when we hear it! We are looking to help you, and we expect our clients to follow directions so we can.
About The Author:
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Sharie DeHart, QPA is the co-founder of Business Consulting And Accounting in Lynnwood, Washington. She is the leading expert in managing outsourced construction bookkeeping and accounting services companies and cash management accounting for small construction companies across the USA. She encourages Contractors and Construction Company Owners to stay current on their tax obligations and offers insights on how to manage the remaining cash flow to operate and grow their construction company sales and profits so they can put more money in the bank. Call 1-800-361-1770 or [email protected]
  Check out this episode about Contractors Marketing - Accounting - Production (M.A.P.)!
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freelancesumandas · 5 years
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Important yet infrequently discussed issues in child support enforcement
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Houston Family Law Attorney: If you have an ex-spouse who was ordered in your divorce to pay child support then you know all too well that feeling of unease when a payment is not received by the first of the month. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, you may be thinking. When you divorced your attorney did all the right stuff- she got your ex-spouse to sign an order that had his employer withholding the correct portions of his check on a bi-monthly basis.
Those chunks of money were sent to your bank account through the Office of the Attorney General. You were told that this would ensure that payments were made on time and you wouldn’t fall behind on paying for rent or groceries.
Fast forward a few years and your ex-spouse has changed jobs and that withholding order is worthless. You haven’t received child support in a few months and things at home are getting tight. You were forced to get back into the workforce after your divorce and you’re still not earning all that much money. Your plan was to finish your college degree so you could jump up a few pay grades at work but now that plan is going to have to be put on the backburner.
Today, the attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC would like to discuss the topic of child support enforcement with you. While child support enforcement is obviously an important topic, sub-topics like the failure of your ex-spouse to pay medical support for your children as well as how to best collect on the past child support owed will be discussed today.
A key to understand is that it does not take but one enforcement action, and then one contempt finding against your ex-spouse to potentially have a judge order him to go to jail for his failure to pay support. We would like to make sure that you are aware of the tools that attorneys use to collect judgments on behalf of clients who are in your position.
Collecting medical support payments
Houston Family Lawyers: Part of your Divorce Decree not only orders your ex-spouse to pay you child support but also to pay you medical support payments or to outright provide health insurance coverage for your children. It works this way: either your ex-spouse will ensure your children through a plan at his workplace or he will pay you cash medical support to reimburse you for the premiums that you pay either through a private health insurance plan that you have purchased or one that you have through your employer.
Expenses that are not covered by a health insurance plan will be split 50/50 in most cases but you can check your Final Decree of Divorce to verify that for your particular circumstances. The medical support costs are typically included on top of the monthly child support obligation in a wage withholding order the sort that we discussed in the opening section to this blog post.
What happens when you are receiving child support but the new year arrives with a hike in the premiums that you pay for insurance for your child? Your ex-spouse will not automatically be made aware of the increase and when you actually get around to telling him he says that he will look into it but never truly pays it any heed. How can you enforce the change in premium costs and make sure that you do not fall any further behind in paying your own bills as a result?
A second situation that I would like to explore with you involves uninsured expenses, which depending on your health insurance plan can be quite expansive and varied. Since these costs come up every so often and are as a result difficult to anticipate, how can you as a parent make sure that your ex-spouse is held to account for paying their ordered portion?
Now that we’ve posed a few questions, let’s get to the answers.
You can submit uninsured medical expenses at any time
Houston Divorce: There is no time limit to submit the uninsured expenses that you have incurred on behalf of your child. Medical bills do not need to submitted in under thirty days to be enforceable in a family law court. You may be thinking to yourself that you’ve read through your divorce decree a number of times and have seen language that says that you and your ex-spouse must submit bills that were uninsured to the other ex-spouse within thirty days so their split of the costs could be paid to you.
A reimbursement, essentially. The only thing that not submitting these bills within thirty days of their being received means is that you cannot ask a court to hold your ex-spouse in contempt for the failure to pay their 50% portion of the bill.
The easiest thing you can do on a practical level is to submit uninsured expenses to your ex-spouse on a regular and timely basis. While it would have been better to learn this lesson during your actual divorce, now is now a bad time to develop this habit and is not at all too late to start learning. Technology is your friend. Cameras on phones, handy scanners attached to home computers and text messages make it easy to get a bill, save it for your records and then send a photo of pdf of the bill to your ex-spouse.
Obviously, you have to be at least somewhat organized to pull this off. Having a stack of bills sitting on the countertop for months without going through them is a recipe for disaster. Once you receive a bill that you will pay out of pocket expenses for, I would immediately take the bill and email it to your ex-spouse so that he has it and that you have a record of it being sent. Use technology, like a reminder of your phone, to make sure that you do so on a set date each month. If you do it like this the process becomes like paying a utility bill rather than being forced to look through difficult to read medical bills.
If you are in a position where you have never done what I have outlined and you do have that stack of bills sitting on the counter go ahead and do the work to send them all out to your ex-spouse. You won’t be receiving a Christmas card for doing so- nobody wants to receive an email with ten different requests for money- but it is what it is. I would tell your ex-spouse that he has a set amount of days to pay those co-pays or other out of pocket expenses. If not, a date with the judge is in both of your futures.
How to handle an increase in health insurance premiums
To answer the first question that we posed in this blog post it is better to just ask an attorney to prepare a new withholding order based on your ex-spouse’s change in employers. This can be done rather inexpensively and all it takes is hiring an attorney and notifying your ex-spouse of the increase in insurance premiums.
Open enrollment takes place in September so you may notice that your rates change around this time. Speak to your ex-spouse directly on the subject and if he wavers let him know that you will be hiring an attorney to make sure the increase in costs is addressed through a new wage withholding order.
You can proceed to a hearing on the subject with a judge if your ex-spouse still refuses to play ball. Since you notified him of the change in writing you do not have to hire a process server to provide notice of the situation.
What you need to prioritize in a child support enforcement case- tomorrow’s blog post subject
Divorce Lawyer Houston: Please return to our blog tomorrow in order to continue our discussion on this important subject. We appreciate your time and attention today in being with us. If you have any questions about this subject or any other in family law please do not hesitate to contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC. We offer free of charge consultations to people like you who need answers to their questions. Our consultations are free of charge and can go a long way towards helping you decide which way you need to go in a particular situation ... Continue Reading
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elliegoose · 7 years
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Free Reading #1
This reading is for @timequaked​, who asked me to look into their compatibility with a possible new romantic partner. I used the Night Sun tarot deck, and the Birthday Spread from this website.
I. The Star Reversed Current place in the world: The Sta Reversed represents hope without action and a pessimistic outlook. You are trying to hard to move past your difficulties and hesitations. You are doing everything you can to move on from your emotional hangups about entering a new relationship, but your efforts are misplaced. Putting the work into this new relationship, and simply waiting is the only way to actually calm yourself. Don’t let yourself stew in unproductive emotions.
II. The Emperor Goals for next year: You seek stability and structure. You desire, out of need, to enforce proper limits in your behavior and create a life that works better for you. Your father, or a father figure of yours, may also become relevant in this situation. As time goes on, look for how the personal qualities of your father may become relevant, either in yourself of the other person.
III. The Queen of Wands What empowers you: To be confident and find success in this relationship, you will need to be mature. You will need to force yourself to be confident whether you like it or not, and you need to show your passion. Be generous, and figure out how to make this other person smile. Also, harness your sex appeal and pay attention to your sexual feelings. Take chances, communicate with your new partner, and again, show them how you feel.
IV. The Knight of Cups Powers within that you need to develop: Tune into your heart, and pay attention to how the world around you may give you certain inspirations. It is time to express and develop your creativity. The Knight of Cups is a card all about passion. Harness that. Improve your creative side; it is up for you to decide whether this means literally pursuing the arts, but at the minimum, you must improve your imaginative power. Now, it’s important to remember that this card also represents impulsiveness. Go forth and work on developing your passion and imagination, but do not abandon rational thinking in the process. You could be blindsided by negative consequences if you forget to think long-term.
V. The Nine of Cups Present physical and material well-being: The Nine of Cups represents happiness, ideals, wish fulfillment, indulgence, and hospitality. Your new relationship will have a positive effect on your material well-being. You may begin to feel quite satisfied. However, to maintain this, you will need to put in some necessary work.
VI. The Five of Wands Present emotional state: This card is warning you to assess your conflicting emotions. Be wary of old ideas onto which you are stubbornly holding. Your convictions about relationships are based on your past experiences. Keep the lessons you have learned in mind, but do not let them cloud your thinking going forward. Think logically, and try to avoid letting your emotions overwhelm you. I have a feeling you should once again keep in mind the qualities of your father/a father figure of yours. Call upon their positive qualities, but also beware their negative qualities, for they may present in you or your partner.
VII. The Devil Reversed Present spiritual state: This card is indicating that you recently arrived at a low point. However, the Devil Reversed also represents breaking free. You have the motivation necessary to pull yourself upwards. There are some bad habits you need to quit, and some attachments you need to start moving away from. The Devil Reversed indicates new spirituality, too. Examine your spiritual beliefs. Since this spread is about your new relationship, try involving this other person in your spiritual contemplation.
VIII. The Hanged Man Reversed Oppositions: At the moment, you are sacrificing a lot and not getting much in return. This could be in an external sense, in your interactions with this new person, but I have a feeling this card is primarily pointing to the emotional energy you’re currently wasting on worry and internal conflict. You are feeling at a standstill. You don’t have much faith in your ability to succeed, and are unwilling to make compromises with yourself or adjust your thinking.
IX. Strength Actions required to achieve goals: Harness your internal motivation. As this reading has already said, work on improving your expressions of passion and imagination. Find new ways to structure your time and behavior. Enter this relationship with confidence and compassion. Examine how this other person may help you harness your internal motivation.
 In conclusion: This relationship will present you with the opportunity to make positive changes. This reading does not give a whole lot of information about what the other person is like, but hints that they could share a number of qualities with your father. It also hints that the relationship will start off making you feel optimistic and satisfied. The theme most often repeated over these nine cards is that this relationship with necessitate that you improve your life structure, but that it will also help you achieve that goal. The same applies to your ability to express yourself creatively, and to your ability toshow your passion.
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coin-news-blog · 5 years
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Why a VPN Is the First Layer You Should Pull On When Browsing the Web
New Post has been published on https://coinmakers.tech/news/why-a-vpn-is-the-first-layer-you-should-pull-on-when-browsing-the-web
Why a VPN Is the First Layer You Should Pull On When Browsing the Web
Why a VPN Is the First Layer You Should Pull On When Browsing the Web
Virtual private networks (VPNs) can be useful for all kinds of things, from streaming foreign sports to protecting your identity from heightened online surveillance. For cryptocurrency users, VPNs are particularly precious, providing access to exchanges that are geo-restricted, and enabling crypto activities to be completed on the web without leaving a privacy-betraying footprint.
The Rise of the VPN
Virtual private networks can be traced back to 1996 when a Microsoft staffer conceived a peer-to-peer tunneling protocol (PPTP). In many ways, the protocol functioned as a precursor to the VPNs we see today, providing a private, secure connection between a computer and the world wide web, as it was then known.
The advantages of having a permanently encrypted conduit to the web are manifold. Think about how often you unwittingly connect to insecure public wifi, for example, with everything from credit card numbers and social media log-ins vulnerable to theft. A VPN, which lets you connect to a remote server while masking your true location, provides peace of mind by safeguarding data from third-party interception. Virtual private networks also block persistent IP tracking, which is trickier to prevent than insidious third-party tracking e.g. from Google.
The Quest to Decentralize the VPN
VPNs can mitigate the worst data intrusions of centralized agencies (be it tech giants or governments), but they themselves are vulnerable to flaws inherent to centralization. This month, it emerged that popular provider NordVPN suffered a data breach in 2018 when a Finnish server in a rented data center was compromised. Although the company has asserted that no usernames or passwords were intercepted, the fiasco proves that VPNs are not invulnerable to the very attacks they endeavor to protect their users against.
Web3 architects intent on decentralizing all the things have naturally turned their attention to VPNs, where they see the potential to create more robust systems that aren’t vulnerable to the whims of central bodies acting unilaterally, be it hackers or law enforcement. Decentralized VPNs – dVPNs – work by apportioning a percentage of users’ upload bandwidth to carrying traffic for other users on the network. Although still very much in their infancy, dVPNS have the potential to obfuscate your crypto transactions and communications while eliminating the need for a central authority.
One such project is Tachyon. As well as hiding your location, the protocol simulates HTTPS and SMTP, meaning it conceals the sites you browse, fooling others into thinking you’re visiting Youtube and Gmail respectively. Users’ requests are distributed through multiple different nodes with encryption, thereby overcoming the security vulnerabilities and inefficiencies of TCP/IP.
Another proposal, developed as part of the Web3 movement, is VPN⁰, a decentralized network built around a Distributed Hash Table (DHT), atop which sit several privacy-protecting mechanisms. What makes the network particularly unique is that it permits relay nodes to control which traffic they wish to transmit – without specifically learning what the content contains. This feat is achieved through the application of zero-knowledge proofs, a cryptographic technique in which the prover can validate to the verifier that a statement is true, without actually disclosing any information other than the validity of the statement. Developed by a trio of Brave browser security researchers, VPN⁰ awaits further development and funding.
Why Cryptocurrency Users Should Consider a VPN
While everyday internet users are becoming more assertive with their privacy, motivated by widespread coverage of mass data collection and government snooping, bitcoiners have an even greater need for digital discretion. The cryptosphere, after all, has fallen prey to opportunistic hackers, with spear phishing and SIM-swapping just two examples of security breaches that have left traders out of pocket. A VPN is not a cloak of invisibility, granting its wearer carte blanche to evade or commit cyber crime with impunity, but it does heighten your security in a number of meaningful ways.
By encrypting your data when you trade, a VPN makes it more difficult for hackers to eavesdrop. Because VPNs conceal your IP address and prevent persistent IP tracking, your device’s location will not become connected to your wallet address. What’s more, using a remote server to mask your true location more effectively prevents targeted viruses and malware than many expensive software packages designed expressly for this purpose.
Of course, the advantages of VPN use extend beyond bolstering security. They can also widen your options by unblocking geo-blocked websites such as exchanges forbidden in your homeland. By granting unfettered access to otherwise verboten foreign portals, these networks can dramatically improve your trading experience. They can also prove a lifesaver, should your government suddenly censor access to an exchange in which you hold currency, for example.
How to Choose the Right VPN for Your Needs
There are many VPNs to choose from, some free, some paid, and all with pros as well as cons.
Firstly, make sure you pick a VPN that does not store user logs, which could conceivably be handed over to third parties. Some VPN providers insist that this information is mandatory to guarantee optimal service, but in reality, they often sell your data to advertisers. Needless to say, this runs contrary to the very purpose of using a VPN in the first place. In any case, you certainly don’t want time-stamped details of your VPN sessions – as well as sites visited and files downloaded – falling into the wrong hands.
Once you’ve sourced a provider with a definitive zero-log policy, you should think about connection speed, the number of servers in different countries (prioritizing those with multiple severs in privacy-friendly nations), the level of encryption offered, traffic-restriction policies and customer support. It might also be smart to select a VPN that accepts payment in cryptocurrency, which can further enhance your privacy.
Practise Safe Browsing
Privacy absolutists are eagerly awaiting the day when decentralized VPNs become production ready, citing a distrust of centralized gateways’ privacy policies and questions surrounding network stability.
In the meantime, VPNs go a long way to ensuring safety and privacy in our hyper-connected world – and this applies to regular web users as well as those of us in the habit of transacting digital currency. Before you step out into the big bad web, take a moment to clad yourself in a VPN.
Source: news.bitcoin
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robertbryantblog · 5 years
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quickclickhosting · 5 years
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When Welcome Admin Job Description
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jerron-jrb-blog · 6 years
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How has media shape who you are today?
Discuss what it means to say that an identity is “socially constructed.” How do media technologies and content play a role in this construction?
To answer this question we have to understand a couple of terms. Media, and few terms from the the seven models, such as socio-cultural, Cybernetic and Phenomenological. It is really important not to say that identity and personality are the same, they may share some similarities but our personality actually come from our identity. First media is/are the modes of storage and delivery of a shared meaning. Which at its core is the exchange meaning or information, to communicate by sending and receiving information.
Socio-cultural is a when people or a groupe communicate to either to replicate, reinforce or even challenge the social order. This model questions the traditions, value and roles in a community. One could say that this is the foundation when talking about identity being socially constructed. An example of that was the civil rights movement, the beginning of the feminist movement. Chapter 1 of the Devereaux readings states “globalization, technological change and the restructuring of media ownership underscoring many of the questions that have been asked about the media as...raising new kinds of issues for all of us our roles…”. Cybernetic is another tradition of communication that media analyst look at to see what influences and restrains the flow of new information. This can construct or destruct a person's morals how they act around people, if they have access to technology to get new information. Phenomenological is very important because it is how we communicate using our senses. This doesn't mean only our five senses but how we feel on the inside also. An example of that is the sense of security, or depression, anxiety. When it comes to social construction we can use phenomenology when talking to someone who when through a traumatic experience. Now when we say an Identity is socially constructed and how media technologies and content help shape that identity we need to look at the (1) who is the viewer and audience; (2) who is producing or who is the messenger and (3) what is the context of this message.In late September during a out lecture we touched briefly about how ads use gender and sexuality when it comes to selling a product when analyzing the GAP photo. I am a black man, I have been socially constructed to fail and end up in the prison system because of I lived in low income neighborhood and am from the lower class. I also should be afraid of the law enforcement because most large black males are up to no good. To fight against this I am disgustingly happy and I am really respectful and I don’t want to be perceived as a thug or hooligan. I kept face; according to communication theorist, face or facework is what a person does in certain situations so people won’t think that person is a bad person. Everyone has face and every one gives face. An example of  a person giving face in a stressful situation is James Bond. Bullets flying, high speed chases, winning at a casino card games...through all of that he has a stoic look on his face. We can look at society and how the raise young boys in masculinity.  Being told “boys don’t cry” or “man up!” In a documentary the The Mask You Live In it talks about the toxicity of masculinity in society and how it is literally killing boys because boys are not taught to express their emotions because being the worst thing a man can be view as is weak.   This is true for all types of communication and with that we can look at how identity is constructed by society. Sturken and Cartwright said Analyzing images and built spaces according to what we believe to be the intentions of their produces”(54) But it is important to remember that in this giant world we live in, their are a lot of sub cultures and societies/ communities that identities in those respective areas are being constructed differently.
      2. How is your identity constructed through commodities? What commodities make up your commodity self? (Hint: nearly ALL media content/technologies could be considered commodities)
We have to look at the all powerful media and ask ourselves as we start to analyze and break down my identity we need to see what makes it up and look how it shaped my habits, behavior. The foundation of my identity is that I am a 23 year old, black male. Now we are going to look at what other things make up my identity I come from midwest of the United States and reside most of my time while not at school in central Wisconsin  but southeast Wisconsin and come from a family of seven. My parents are married and have been for 29 years and both went to college. My parents taught me to be strong but patient, kind but firm. I would also say I am a product of the 90’s. Now looking at these few things let us look and analyze the information from above.
I am a 23 year old black male. Looking at this we can see that I am of college age but it might not have been easy. Living in America I have easy access to different technology. Also I was a product of the 1990s in america so I watch a lot of pokemon, along with  Disney’s Recess, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, Adult Swim, Black Entertainment Television(BET), MTV and the content I got while watching these program is to be yourself and have fun and enjoy life while you can. That is a huge reason I act the way I cat today. Because of the shows I watched as a kid I am who I am today. Those shows taught me that it is important to be kind to everyone even when it's an enemy. Also to don’t take life too seriously if I do am I really living so I live each day with a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. Looking at that I’m a black male in America we can look at the news media on their content and how it shaped my identity.
When I was younger I thought that I was suppose to be loud, rude, illiterate, thuggish and end up in jail. But also look at the the same television network from above and some of the shows they had also shaped my identity. The Cosby show was about how a black family, that reminded me of my own family, looked and acted. I related with that because My mother is the real life Claire Huxtable and also that you don’t have to believe everything that came on the news.
Continuing with my identity I am from the midwest of the United States and from Wisconsin. My middle school was a pilot school to see what education would look like if every student had a laptop and some of the questions asked in my hometown were “how are they going to learn with computers?’, ‘it's just going to be a distraction.’ ‘they should stick to paper and pencil.’”. But when I asked my dad about the idea of every student he thought it was an excellent idea. He then told me when he was in high school and college he wished he would have taken those intro to keyboarding and computers seriously because his job requires that he know how to use a computer. Looking back at his experience I can proudly say that I learned a lot from doing homework online and and it honestly got me ready for high school and college. Understand how my commodity self came to be. But also we should look at the people behind it see who their audience was/is. Another commodity that has helped shaped my identity was the bible. I am a son of a pastor and that was a big part of who I was as a person but when I got to high school and started acting in plays that really changed me. Being in a theatre major for awhile. I learned a lot about how theatre (according to theatre historians) was the first type of media and how theatre really reinforced the focus or idea of the media is to inform society about itself. So Theatre and reading the bible are the two biggest influences and made me who I am today.
     3.Pick one of these commodities and analyze how it is advertised. What sort of ideological/discursive framing is being employed?
Society is so vast and one does not have the funds to research and study society as a whole. But we can look at smaller groups and how they communicate with people when it comes to selling their product. I will be talking about the effects media has on  a smaller scale. “Audience research puts human experience at the centre of our enquiry”(Stokes 174). In class we talked about ideology and disclosure and I want to focus on both, but for now let us look at ideology or institute.
Ideology is way society governs itself and perpetuate modes of behavior and acceptance and interaction. We are going to how companies use it to advertise. Now defined by in our Sturken and Cartwright Ch7 reading “Advertisements present an abstract world, often a fantastic one, that is not situated in present but the imagined future”(265). The institute of advertising know that most customers are smarter than they look but some if not all ads usually use art, culture jams and other forms of entertainment. Even when it comes to representation of gender and sexuality in advertisements.
The two photos above are current ads for women athletes that show how to be a top athlete. On the left you have a nike ad and in the add we can see a women running with headphones and with text saying “Ladies first, men second” now the more important text is on the bottom “Join the Men vs Women Challenge ”This is an institute that has been around since the beginning of the feminist movement, whose is better boys or girls? The discourse comes in when someone reads the nike ad and automatically think boys. One of the first things I learned about media is that the job of the media is to inform society about itself. And I feel that the media above is a great to stir conversation.
The ad on the right is about female empowerment. A female soccer player doing some footwork and the text says “I Kick balls. Deal with it”. The ideology is being challenged because of what the text is saying. It showing the women are more than housewives or a cute, quiet doll playing girls. It shows that women know how to play sports and are not going to stand to be told what they can and cannot due. and behind this is about Not if boys are better than girls but can men and female athletes be equal.
Chapter 2 of Sturken and Cartwright tells us how viewers make meaning. They say that production of meaning “involves at least three elements besides the image itself and its producer: (1) the codes and conventions that structure the image and that cannot be separated from the content of the image; (2) the viewers and how they interpret or experience the image; and (3) the contexts in which an image is exhibited and viewed.”(49).
Work Cited
Alex Ingersoll - Communication 106 Lectures
Devereux, E. (2014). Understanding the media (3rd ed.). London: Sage
Mark Tolstedt - Communication 107 Lectures.
Stokes, Jane. How to Do Media and Cultural Studies. SAGE Publications LTD,2009.  Print
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newagesispage · 7 years
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                                                                  NOVEMBER         2017
 *****Bill Murray has been singing at Carnegie Hall promoting the new album with Jan Vogler and friends.
*****A beautiful eastern black rhino was born on October 2nd. There are only a few hundred left in Africa.
*****NASA just found 20 new habitable planets.
*****Loving , loving ,loving At Home with Amy Sedaris. Great guest stars and Von Mueller’s: The official maple syrup of the Third Reich and other humor of that ilk. It is like Pee Wees playhouse, Mister Rogers, Martha Stewart, local DIY shows, SNL and SCTV all rolled into one. Go Amy!!
*****The World Series did not include the Cubs. Astros V Dodgers.
*****The first African American full time Nascar driver since 1971, Darrell Wallace Jr. will drive for Richard Petty.
*****Some drunks at a wedding reception in Illinois jumped the fence at Wildlife Prairie Park to chase bison. The newlyweds had already left.
*****San Juan mayor Carmen Yulin Cruz called out Scary clown for his slow response to the Puerto Rico disaster.
*****Coming to Broadway this fall: The Cher Show!!
*****Robin Thede has a new show on BET called The Rundown.
*****So, Tim Allen was whining on Norm Macdonald’s program about Last Man Standing being cancelled. Allen said, ”There is nothing more dangerous to Hollywood than a funny likeable conservative.” What?? I could not even get thru one episode of that show. I think he was damn lucky that thing stayed on the air as long as it did. Friends and I were shocked whenever we would notice the show was still going.
***** Trump released demands to overhaul the green card system by hiring 10 thousand more immigration officers and more money to build the wall.
*****OJ Simpson is out of prison and his first meal was at McDonald’s. That is so fucking American.** Speaking of the arches: Mulan sauce.. that was a thing?
*****On the great new show White Famous, I believe I saw Jamie Foxx’s balls under that skirt!!
*****Stephen Colbert and Ted Danson share an ancestor. The same is true of Mary Steenburgen and William H. Macy.
*****Ines Rau, a French model is Playboys first transgender playmate.
*****Things sure exploded on The View because of the phone call Trump made about a fallen soldier. Rep. Frederica Wilson claims that he did not mention La David Johnson’s name and told his widow that he knew what he was getting into. **He seems to have no sensitivity but then we knew that. He is the Greg Stillson of 2017!
*****What a great couple of weeks on the late night shows. Thank you for Conan and his horse story on Colbert. Thanks for Paul and Dave and Biff on Kimmel. ** Kimmel’s son Billy is getting ready for a second surgery and there will be some guest hosts with Shaq, Dave Grohl, Channing Tatum and Jennifer Lawrence.
*****David S. Pumpkins now has an animated show and has really become a thing.
*****Dale Earnhardt Jr. and wife are having a baby.
*****It looks like the Czech Republic now elected a leader just like Trump in their choice of Andrej Babis.
*****Russian sanctions have still not been implemented and the deadline was October 1. Hey scary clown: Just signing the measure means nothing!!
*****Diane Lake, a young former member of Manson’s family wrote a book about letting go of Charlie. She promoted ‘One of the Family’ on Dr. Phil.
*****So.. It seems that the prototypes of the wall are near the Mexican border and it is drawing gawkers from across the border. So.. The wall to prevent illegals is actually drawing them to the site to check it out. Priceless.
*****Judas Priest is going on tour.
*****Mark Wahlberg hopes God will forgive him for Boogie Nights. C’mon own your fucking art.. You were lucky to be in suck a brilliant film.
*****Dave Letterman received his Mark Twain prize for American humor on October 22. He now claims, “I’m now the most humorous person in the world.”
*****East Peoria’s Joe Girardi is out as the NY Yankees manager.
*****Her it comes: The final season of Major Crimes.. This is a tough one, what quality acting there is on that show.
*****Days alert: It breaks my heart that they brought back Dr. Rolf back and immediately killed him off. At least he was in Abigail’s dream and boy was he hairy!!Please let him have a twin like on Night Court.** Why are characters heading to Memphis? Will they meet with someone who can help answer questions about Will Horton? Will Paul find out the truth before anyone else and will he keep it to himself? If Will is alive, is he the same person or has he went thru big changes? ** Rumors are out there that EJ could be headed back..fingers crossed.
*****Texas inmates donated $53,863 for hurricane Harvey relief.
*****Has Mueller filed his first charges in the Russia investigation?
*****Trump’s approach to Iran seems to be undoing all of Obama’s efforts. This, of course is the ultimate goal of the Trumpers so good news for them. Trumps use of the term ’Arabian gulf’ has helped to unify the diplomatic and revolutionary sides of the Islamic republic.
*****Too Funny to Fail takes on the subject of the failure of The Dana Carvey Show.
*****Robert Plant has a new album, ‘Carry Fire’ which he will support with a 2018 tour.
*****Congress did not reauthorize the healthcare program for kids so 9 million kids are booted off healthcare.
*****Bob’s Burgers did a great episode about brunch drunks. Oh that is such a thing!!
*****The new administration just loves pollution. Just one more thing to add to the ever growing list of climate change dismantling is Scott Pruitt helping to get rid of the clean power plan. I am sure their corporate polluter friends and Obama haters are pretty happy about that.
*****Scarlett Johansen and Colin Jost made their first public appearance as a couple at an SNL after party.
*****Word is that they have found Paul Revere’s outhouse and they are examining its contents.
*****I’m so glad that Curb is back!!! J.B. Smoove is killing it as usual.
*****Roman Polanski has a new film, ‘Based on a true story’ which stars his wife Emmanuelle Seigner.
*****Metamora High school in Illinois is reeling from a racist video put out by some members of the football team.  The entire school system of Metamora which includes Riverview and Germantown hills was closed October 3 due to a mass shooting scare.
*****The newest Eastwood film is the 15:17 to Paris.
*****Facebook had to turn over about 3,000 ads for inspection. Facebook employees offered themselves up to the Trump and Clinton campaigns. Only Trump took them up on it. Google and Twitter also embedded themselves in his campaign.  The staff used all they were taught to put bogus Hillary info out there and penetrate the rural vote.  They pushed a lot of buttons with infrastructure in middle America. The platform churned out 50 to 60 thousand ads a day.  By pinpointing the things you care about most , they seemed to use the trickery well because it worked.
*****They found the tomb of Santa in Turkey.
*****Nick Cage has his own candy bar in Japan.
*****Chris Elliott is on the Last man on earth. Thank you God!
*****The country talked about guns for a few days again after the Vegas shooting. No license or registration is needed in Vegas. Machine guns are perfectly legal. As saner people have mentioned: The GOP insists that the Vegas shooter’s gun arsenal is a right but medical treatment for his 500 + victims is merely a privelage. Well put Desirina Boskovich.** The American college of physicians says that gun violence is a public health issue and calls for banning automatic and semi -automatic weapons.** 78% of Americans don’t own guns.**Wayne LaPierre was on Face the Nation to reinforce that anti -gun people are elites. The only sane thing he said was that we need to enforce the laws we have in place better to start with.
*****Sen. Bob Corker is ranting about Trump and the ‘adult day care center’ we call the White house.
***** Oh my God.. Rick Springfield is on AHS. Whoa! Sometimes that show just amazes you with its direction. Hell yea.
*****Brett Ratner and Jared Leto will bring Hugh Hefner to the big screen.
*****Jedediah Bila has left the View and has been replaced by Meghan McCain.
*****Colin Kaepernick consulted a Navy seal about his peaceful protest. The Seal told him that he didn’t see a problem with the kneeling at the games. He found it more respectful than sitting. People seem very divided on this issue  but this country has always disagreed on their version of patriotism. Wearing the flag s disrespectful, kneeling during our anthem is not. Perhaps the players should hold AR 15’s instead of taking a knee. Our President does not seem to have a problem with protesters showing up armed.**Pence made a big show of walking out of the game after the kneel. Only loves the team if they think as he does. It was an expensive stunt.
*****California has been experiencing the biggest wildfires in state history.
***** Hmm. I see a movie with Liam Neeson , Clint Eastwood and Kurt Russell.
***** The Pioneer Woman speaks of a granny named Inee.
*****So, I rarely watch Fallon but that Hillary show was awkward and special. The respect and beautiful words from the female writers and Miley brought tears.
*****Can’t wait to see Suburbicon.. looks fab!!
*****350 barrels of oil were spilled in the gulf of Mexico.
*****Reporters were arrested in St. Louis as they interviewed demonstrators. This is in violation of their first amendment.
*****Anti- abortion advocate Rep. Tim Murphy had a bad week as congress was trying to pass a bill that would ban and bring criminal charges against those who have abortions after 20 weeks. His mistress Shannon Edwards claims that he asked her to get an abortion but it turned out the pregnancy was just a scare.  He now says that it is his staff who wrote the pro- life rhetoric he spewed. He has resigned.**Scary clown wants to broaden the rules to let more employees deny birth control coverage.
*****The Rolling Stones have 18 recordings pulled together for On Air. The collection of 1963- 1965 BBC show clips were never commercially released.
***** Harvey Weinstein? Secret employees? Everybody knew?  WTF?  Obviously we have some extreme self indulgence and mental health issues here. Why can’t powerful men control themselves? **Many of the liberal donations he made have been donated to charity.** The list keeps growing with thanks to Ronan Farrow and his exhaustive work in the story on The New Yorker. Weinstein’s wife has left him so he is in for some shit. ** More women are coming forward about other powerful men as well like R Kelly, Mark Helprin and James Toback.** When the movie is made of the Harvey scandal, I hope they cast Jeff Garland in the title role.**In the wake of the Weinstein tsunami there have been protests at public gatherings for other men with pasts .A retrospective for Roman Polanski  did not turn out so well.
*****Meet the Press and the AFI are having  film fest. Look for the film Heroin(e).
*****Paul Manafort and Rick Gates were indicted for hiding foreign bank accounts, money laundering, false statements, conspiracy against the U.S. just to name a few. There is now a viral video with the music from To Russia with love that shows Trump and various staff being taken in by the FBI. I teared up.. Could it happen??** George Papadopolous has pled guilty.
*****Kathy Griffin is slamming Harvey Levin and Andy Cohen. She claims that Levin was egging people on about her Trump head stunt. Her Mother in a retirement community and her sister dyeing of cancer were receiving death threats. Cohen who produced her ‘My life on the D-list” is taking over her New Year duties on CNN.  Her claim about him is he often tried to get her do coke and he is generally an ass.
*****Actor Anthony Rapp claims Kevin Spacey was sexually aggressive with him when he was 14 and Spacey was in his 20’s.  Kevin denied and apologized and came out.
***** You must check out Denis O’Hare as Edgar Allan Poe on PBS American Masters.
*****Corey Feldman wants to expose the pedophiles of Hollywood for 10 mil.
*****Does it bother anybody else that those on cooking shows never seem to use spatulas to scrape the bowl? They pour and move on.
*****Check out the Comedy Get Down with Cedric the Entertainer, Eddie Griffin, DL Hughley, Charlie Murphy and George Lopez.
*****Larry Flynt is offering 10m million for info leading to the impeachment of scary clown.
*****Ben Stiller takes on the 2015 prison escape of David Sweet and Richard Matt. The Showtime production will star Benecio Del Toro, Paul Dano and Patricia Arquette
*****Jemele Hill is back from her suspension form ESPN because of her tweets. Let the girl stand up for her beliefs.
*****Atlanta has voted to decriminalize weed, now if they can get the rest of Georgia on board!
***** So it seems the boy scouts are going to now admit girls.
*****It has been nice to see Charley Pride every now and again lately.
*****Hooray!! Jessica Tuck is on General Hospital.. Oh, How I have missed you Jessica Tuck.. Where have you been??
*****A report says that white nationalists are flocking to get their DNA tested  to prove their white heritage with some mixed results. Of course they often find they have African ancestry or other  blood they may not want to admit is running thru them. Duh!
*****Nellie (Cornell Iral Haynes Jr.)  was arrested for rape on his tour bus at a Wal Mart.
*****Chicago pastor Robbie Wilkerson and his wife Tasha were sentenced to 37 months and 12 months respectively for defrauding a summer food program for impoverished kids.
*****The 207 Nobel Peace Prize has gone to Jacques Dubochet and Joachim Frank and Richard Henderson for developing cryo-electron microscopy for the high resolution structure determination of biomolecules in solution.
*****Steven Avery of Making a Murderer has been denied a new trial.
*****Roseanne Cash is getting some backlash for her comments. Cash wrote, ”The NRA funds domestic terrorism.” Her life has been filled with threats because of her views with smears like, ”your Dad would be ashamed of you.” Some ‘fans’ obviously did not understand her Father.
*****The White house thinks NBC should apologize after their report about Rex Tillerson threatening to resign after clashes with Trump. The scuttlebutt is that Pence intervened. Word is that Tillerson called Trump a fucking moron. Rex says he never considered leaving.
*****Senate intelligence can’t seem to get anywhere on the Trump dossier because everyone refuses to cooperate.  The committee has reported they are still interviewing and going thru documents. The investigation is now in exploratory mode. They do know that Russia is currently active in meddling in our election process and our vote tallies were accurate. Republican members of the bipartisan panel are praising the Obama administration for their complete cooperation.
*****Marilyn Manson had to cancel 9 shows after being crushed by a stage prop!
*****R.I.P. Tom Petty, the victims of the Rt. 91 country music fest in Las Vegas, S.I. Newhouse Jr., Bunny Sigler, Ralphie May, Bob Schiller, Fats Domino, John F. Dunsworth, Robert Guillaume, Gord Downie, Richard Wilbur, Sima Wall, Jack Bannon and victims of the NY Halloween attack.
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terryelovett-blog · 7 years
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  MARTIN LUTHER KING JR BIO click here for video
This is not a political piece OR maybe it is. Nevertheless, the recent elections lead me to start thinking about what the world use to look like through the eyes of my children’s grandparents – when they were just kids – products of the 1950’s. 
As well-meaning as OUR parents were this is where most of today’s 50, 60 plus year-old Americans picked up the leftover beliefs of an era of ignorance on the behalf of white people feeling a sense of entitlement over another human being. 
Until this election I truly believed that WE were the last molds of the “Monstrous old white man” legacy in America that represented hatred and bigotry towards those of color. 
Here’s what I saw when I took a real good hard look at the late 1940’s thru the early 1970’s when people still sat down at the kitchen table and ate dinner together while engaging in conversation about how their day went.
God forbid that you take a phone call at dinnertime because that would actually mean having to get up, walk to the phone, and sit down next to the phone because there was a cord attached to the wall.  Also, it was well-known and considered bad manners to call anyone or schedule anything during dinnertime. This was a time in history when parents weren’t afraid to tell their kids NO, or swat their ass for misbehaving.
According to inflation calculator, in 1955, a three-minute phone call from Los Angeles to Washington DC cost the equivalent of $17.63 today. Needless to say, electronic communication was limited due to the high cost. Thus, forcing us to look each other in the eye and speak in full sentences during a conversation.
Nevertheless, remember, I said, “Good hard look“, so let me continue… I found that the white man’s generational mindset during the 1950’s thru early 1970’s was based on a solid amount of fear and confusion. Fear that too much information, outside influences,  individual idealsism, and education would undermining their way of existence.
Young white boys listening to and adapting to their father’s discriminatory, racist rhetoric for which they dared not question nor disagree with in fear of retribution. A good father would beat, what he considered to be good solid work ethics into his boys with a leather belt if they didn’t understand or comply.
Any child who misbehaved in school was taken into the hallway (up to the mid 1970’s) and wacked on the butt with a wooden paddle (this was their cure for ADD). Most would get hit again (as punishment) when they got home by their God fearing, well-meaning parents.
Young girls throughout time had watched their mothers define themselves by how well the food was prepared and how clean their house was. Women were severely judged on how polished, pressed, and groomed their children were. God forbid that a girl have dreams beyond marrying the right man and (the illusion of) getting an education past high school.
We lived in a world full of well-meaning adults suppressing idealism – it was the father’s way or the highway. Higher education was considered mostly for the “Rich White Folk”. We oppressed Negros while encouraging the Hillbillies and White Trash (in their true ignorance) to persecute the Black man unlawfully while law enforcement and government looked the other way.
For which was a clear violation of simple human decency but the men in the pointy white hats didn’t give a shit about the law – for their hatred was deeper than any human walking the face of this earth.
  Now, imagine being a black person in the 1950’s and 60’s – imagine how humiliating it must have been walking up to a public bathroom or water fountain only to see a sign that read, “Blacks” – “Whites”.
Now let’s add insult to injury – the proud Black man having to answer his children’s question as to WHY the white people hated them so much.
Finally the Black people were tired of being treated as third class citizens and were rising up – creating problems – interfering with the white folks comfy lifestyles. Brave people, very brave people who actually stood up in protest some actually loosing their lives (both black and white) in order to pave the way for a better way of life so that ALL of could live harmoniously together as“Americans”, not defined by the color of our skin. Those people stepped outside the box and said, “Enough!”
Look at how far we’ve come just by taking a good hard look at ourselves in trying to justify these kinds of actions. This was all normal back then – this was the era that my father and my children’s father came from – our parent’s were those kids hanging around the card table on a Saturday evening listening to the rhetoric of racist conversations from “their” burbon breathing father’s.
Do not be fooled into thinking that the scars left on our society from over 60 years ago are gone from either the Black people or the White people. The open wound may have healed but the feelings in some can and will resurface from time to time especially if provoked. Like I said, it truly must have become a part of our DNA.
President Lyndon B. Johnson meets with Civil Rights leaders Martin Luther King, Jr., Whitney Young, and James Farmer, January 1964.
What really scared me is the self observation of my own actions during this election. I found myself falling into combative rhetoric with not Black people but those white adults for whom truly do not know any better. Mainly due to the richness of their culture continuing to feed off of the pain of another human being and this most certainly lye’s prevalent in their heads and hearts and is much alive today. Thank God for self awareness!
Nevertheless, I find it extremely easy to show compassion for the haters rather than for the leaders who actually do know better, and do understand exactly what they are doing. The leaders who are purposefully guiding these people in whatever direction they chose to take them for their own personal cause, gain or egostical fix.
So, what do we do? We peacefully move forward, doing whatever we can to protect not only our rights but those who are following in the footsteps of their fathers before them in fearing the unknown by demonstrating behaviors of hatred through ignorance.
We let go and let God do the rest – I promise, God never ever makes mistakes, but He will let us continue making the same mistakes over and over again if we insist on not opening our hearts and minds. In this case, it’s for the sake of  our Country’s Unity! 
We aren’t there yet but we’re getting closer every day  – with every conversation that is civil and non combative. Old habits die hard!
This is where patience, love, compassion, kindness, and understanding for all mankind will triumph further down the road. I think that Martin Luther King Jr. understood this concept quite well! 
 “Life is a journey to be enjoyed not endured.” – Terrye Lovett
      “I HAVE A DREAM”- IT’S UNITY ONCE AGAIN! WHAT’S YOURS? MARTIN LUTHER KING JR BIO click here for video This is not a political piece OR maybe it is.
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