#or maybe that's just the high standards that i set for myself for school work... probably 🤷‍♀️ (and i should stop doing that)

[drdemonprince]

ive seen you talk about FIRE/mr money moustache and i am interested in how you balance that with your politics. i ask because i am also interested in FIRE but struggle with the idea of saving 2mil+ to retire early when people need money NOW to survive. not just broadly but even loved ones and community members in my immediate vicinity. i dont mean this in an EXPLAIN YOURSELF sort of way, just so many of the FIRE etc people i find writing about it dont really address this aspect and its something i struggle with internally myself.

Sure, I don't mind speaking about this at all. I wish I more frequently had the occasion to because it's a major special interest of mine.

First, I'm not interested in the saving 2 million dollars (if that were even feasible) school of financial independence/ retire early. I'm more of an adherent to the r/LeanFire, r/BaristaFire type approach of maintaining a consistently very frugal standard of living that is sustainable for me, on a relatively smaller savings, and pursuing a life of relatively little consumption.

I also think that MMM, despite his many flaws, is broadly accurate in stating that when people continuing working all their lives, they also create more ecological devastation by consuming a whole of a hell lot more resources on convenience and burning more fuel, while chasing after a steadily rising living standard set by the norms of their profession. By taking myself out of the workforce sooner rather than later, I will be contributing less to climate change and waste because I'll need fewer convenience meals, fewer car rides, fewer flights, fewer hotel rooms, fewer fancy professional clothes, and so on and so on.

I also spend a lot of time on the Socially Conscious Mustachians group on Facebook, which focuses on investing one's savings in ways that are less ethically problematic. The easy mode version of this is simply putting one's money into index funds that exclude oil companies, gun manufacturers, etc. But honestly, today, with interest rates being as high as they are? It's pretty easy to just sock one's money into a CD or a bond, collect the cool 5.4% interest, and avoid having to contribute to the stock market directly at all. There are even high-yield savings accounts at credit unions that pay out about that much interest these days, and those entities typically do not invest in oil pipelines, BDS targets, or anything all that objectionable.

As for the hoading money while others are in need piece: Well. yeah. that's a difficult ethical challenge that we all must consider. how much can i hold onto for my own wellbeing in the spirit of "putting on one's oxygen mask first" without it being wealth hoarding? how much should i give to other people when i see that they are in need --someone could easily make the case that I have the moral obligation to give away what i have to my very last cent, and I couldn't really argue with them on that. maybe a person should do that. but i'm not going to do it. and of course the effective altruism freakos would counter that if i invest my money and grow it now, i will have more to give to others in the long run than if i cash out now.

realistically, i won't be able to continue working for much longer without having another health episode or worse. i will not qualify for disability benefits because high maskers who have had careers usually do not. and social security's coffers will be entirely drained long before i reach the age to qualify for it. if i enter my non-working years without any resources, someone else will have to worry about me staying housed and medicated and fed.

i tend to think of my retire early stash as my own little private disability benefits fund that will allow me to live safely and will hopefully allow me to take care of other people that i love as we age, and that will give me the freedom from having to do any morally compromising capitalist labor ever again, and only put my energies towards causes that either fulfill me or benefit others.

but it's still rooted in a highly individualistic capitalist system, this holding onto money under my own name and investing it thing. im sure a lot of people would choose instead to sock all of their money into some kind of cooperatively owned communist farm or something, and you know, some day down the line i would love to put money toward a big multi unit building that lots of people i am in community with could live in, with no financial obligations for them. but i dont have anywhere near that kind of scratch. as hannibal buress (that landlord piece of shit) said, "i don't have fuck you money, i have strongly worded email money." and you know, being able to write a strongly worded email to people who would otherwise be exploiting me into another huge burnout does feel good.

thinking that one day i might not work anymore is one of the only things that keeps me going. i am always on the razor's edge of not functioning, i dont think people really realize that, how could they, the mask is there to prevent them seeing it. im beyond privileged to even get to CONSIDER the dream of getting by on my savings for however long human society continues to exist. and it sure would be better if i could extend that kind of freedom and peace of mind to others. my life still feels very precarious and it always has and ive had to be stable for the sake of others for a long time, ive had to be financially responsible for others for a long time. i cling to the idea of FI/RE because it offers me a way to finally break down and be weak. but something more community oriented and interdependent would sure as fuck be better. in the meantime i guess im saving for something like that i could trust enough to give myself over to.

i also have a really strong fetishistic desire to be someone's completely brainwashed sex pet for the entire rest of my life, and having an early retirement account would really help me facilitate that

[dreamgrlarchive]

How do you deal with burnout?

Rest and Recovery 🎀

when feeling worn out and deflated it’s so crucial to prioritize revitalization. burnout is real and is critical to mental health.

recovering from burnout is different depending on what exactly you’re burnt out on (ex. work, school, family, friends, hobbies, relationship)

for example: tumblr is one thing i feel burnout from often. from anons, to writers block i often get drained from the platform. i remedy this by putting the app down and only returning when i have an idea. constantly scrolling and looking for inspiration doesn’t work. i have to see inspo in real life.

so i say that to say you cure burnout from optional activities by simply taking a break.

now for things that aren’t so optional like school or work, i recommend seeking help. talking to someone (employer, counselor, teacher/professor) for assistance.

in high school i was EXTREMELY drained from my algebra 2 class. before allowing myself to slip i emailed my teacher telling her that i was simply lacking the energy it took to retain the info she was teaching and she and i laid out a comprehensive plan for my success. i was given small extensions for homework assignments, we met once a week for a few weeks, and on the time i took away from that class i honed in on my other classes. i had to ease my way back into productivity. i got an A in the class.

my point is you can’t skip out on things that are crucial to your well being so you have to seek help. closed mouths don’t get fed and when you’re showing concern, people are more apt to help you.

now for people and relationships, i’m still learning my way around this. when i’m feeling overwhelmed by the maintenance it takes, i try to speak up.

“hey i’m just a little drained and overwhelmed with life right now so i won’t be around as much but i’m okay and i’ll be coming back. don’t worry nothing has changed. i love you 💗”

is something i’ve said in the past. taking breaks in relationships (with tangible expectations and parameters) can be good (platonic, familial, or romantic). if you tell your bestie you need about a week to focus on other things and recoup, and you disappear for three weeks with no word, she now has reason to worry (about your well-being, about the friendship and your reliability). so set standards and stick to them but if you attempt this and are met with harsh backlash, maybe this person isn’t mature enough or respectful enough or is too self centered (none of which make them a bad person) to be around you right now. and that isn’t your issue.

and finally, if you’re feeling burnout from yourself (self maintenance, hobbies, etc.) TAKE A BREAK. i’ve gone through phases where i can’t do my makeup and hair because i’m so mentally tired. it’s normal and it doesn’t make you less than. focus on necessities during times like this. essentials are all we really need so make sure you’re not skimping on hygiene and nutrition and you’ll eventually fall back into a routine that works for you. it’s about not forcing it when you know you can’t mentally handle it.

in conclusion please just be kind to yourself. give yourself the grace you need to get back to normal living. you deserve it

xoxo,

-Dreamgrl

#burnout #dream girl journey #my posts #self help #answered #dream girl wellness

[danielfuckingricciardo]

r/relationship_advice - Charles Leclerc x Reader

A collection of Reddit posts, comments, tweets, and fic

Pairing - Charles Leclerc x Reader

Synopsis - The reader is in a difficult situation, and decides to make a post on Reddit to get help with her predicament. What she doesn’t expect is for people to realise who she is.

Content Warnings - swearing, sexual references

Author’s Note - this is not just a standard fic! This is a collection of Reddit posts, comments, tweets, and fic. Sort of like a collage of different shit all telling one story! Because of this the perspective is different in each part, like the Reddit posts are in first person, and the fic is in second person as usual!

I wanted to experiment with something different structure wise, you know me, I like to fuck with stuff and do weird shit. If high school musical taught me anything, it’s that we shouldn’t stick to the status quo.

Please do tell me if you like the structure, if you don’t, if there’s anything you don’t think works etc! I’d love to do more shit like this so if you have any ideas of what else I could include in one of these (like text messages, DMs, Snapchat, insta stories, whatever) do let me know!

r/relationship_advice • 5d ago

Posted by throwaway27936

My (25F) boyfriend (27M) thinks I have a thing for one of my coworkers (25M). The worst thing about it is… I do.

I wanna preface this by saying that I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 18. And I do love him. But last year I managed to bag my dream job and it meant us going long distance.

I wasn’t worried about the whole thing, after all, we’d been together for six years already and lived together for three of them. We had two cats together, and the word on the street was he was thinking of buying a ring to pop the question before I got my job offer.

The job is my dream job, and it’s actually what we had initially bonded over when we were at college together. When I got that email saying the job was mine he was so excited for me, and I was thrilled. It’s what I’d been working towards for so long!

But as things set in for him, and he realised I would be away for weeks and weeks, I could tell something changed. It was like he was faking being happy for me. The proposal never came, I suppose maybe because I was going to be away for days like valentines and both our birthdays, maybe he just couldn’t find the right time? Either that or he didn’t want to be engaged to someone who was hardly around?

He drove me to the airport, and no matter how sad I could see he was feeling, I couldn’t stop my excitement as I jetted off to another country to begin my work! I suppose that didn’t help either, him seeing how pumped I was and not being all tearful and sad to be leaving him. But I couldn’t help it, and I was sad, I just didn’t want to make our parting more upsetting for myself or for him.

The job kept me busy. Like super busy. But I did manage to come home every now and then, to tell him about all the amazing things I’d seen and done, do date nights snuggled up on the couch with our kitties Nemo (4M) and Milo (4M) but something was just… off??

And him being off, not being as affectionate and loving as he used to be, is what drew me to my coworker.

The final nail in the coffin was my trip home during summer last year. My bf and I pretty much argued the entire time, just over little tiny things, until suddenly, he just exploded. He berated me over the fact that I was never home. That he was the one stuck there looking after the cats, living a normal life while I was living my dream and flying around the world with my team.

It hurt, and I’m gonna be honest with you, I said some things I wish I could take back. Mainly along the lines of ‘it’s not my fault you weren’t able to make something of your life like I was.’

I regret saying that. I know that he struggled after college. It was a low blow. But I was angry, because I was living my dream, the dream we had bonded over that night in the sports bar just off campus when we met. He should be happy for me, right?

Well, after I left at the end of summer on a particularly sour note, I was ready to be done with him. I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and hope he’d gotten it all out of his system and that when I returned during a two week break in October, things would be better.

We hardly talked. September meant no FaceTimes, hardly any texts, no likes on my Instagram posts, nothing. Zilch. Nada. I tried, god knows I did. Scrolling through our WhatsApp chat makes me look so fucking desperate but I wasn’t ready to give up.

One day, after another period of being totally ignored, my coworker, who I shall call C, noticed I was upset. Before now I hadn’t spent much time with C as he was far more high profile than me. I worked in the wings but he was the star of the show.

I didn’t mean to trauma dump on him, but all these feelings just kinda came spilling out. I ended up crying on him and getting his shirt all covered in snot. It was gross, I apologised, he said not to worry about it.

The thing about C is, is that he’s beautiful. I know you don’t often see the word beautiful being used to describe a man, but he is. He’s gorgeous. Like don’t get me wrong, my bf is hot too, but C? Damn.

He was so kind to me, he listened, he wiped away my tears, cheered me up, and made me feel better again.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never cheat. I couldn’t. One of my best friends from college had her boyfriend of five years cheat on her and she was heartbroken. I still loved my boyfriend, I couldn’t do that to him. Besides, C himself already had a girlfriend. So anything between me and him was completely off the table.

But that didn’t stop me from catching feelings for C. There’s nothing cheaty about catching feelings, right? Especially when your bf is ghosting you the way mine was.

But C and I became good friends over the time we spent together throughout September after the whole snotty crying situation. He was a good friend, and it was nice to have someone in your corner when all of your normal best friends are halfway across the world.

When I went home in October, I arrived at my bf and I’s flat to find him sat in the lounge, surrounded by packed boxes and suitcases. He told me it was over.

Naturally I cried, I was hoping we’d have a chance to smooth things out, especially over Christmas when I’d have a whole two months to spend at home before I had to be back at work.

My bf showed me a picture on his phone, it must have been from some night out I can hardly remember after a good weekend’s work. And there I was with C. We were just dancing, but his hand was on my waist. Man we must have been so hammered.

My bf assumed I had a thing for him, which I did, but I would never have acted on. But I told him I didn’t, that we were just good friends, which wasn’t a lie. We were good friends, I just happened to fancy the pants off C but only in secret.

He wouldn’t listen to me, told me the whole long distance thing wasn’t working and that I either had to quit my job, or we would have to break up.

I couldn’t quit. I loved my job too much. It was exactly what I had dreamed of since I was a child. I told him that, and he said it was over.

He said he’d look after the cats until I found a new stable home someplace, and that he’d let me store my things in the spare room, but I didn’t live here anymore.

I left for my parents that night, in tears, and texted C. I told him what had happened, and he said I should get out, go visit him at home and keep my mind off of things before we had to travel again.

I knew I shouldn’t have. That it just made C and I’s relationship look even more suspicious. But I was upset, and angry. Besides, I wasn’t the only one at fault. If my bf had just replied to my texts more, and been willing to work harder on the long distance thing, I think we’d still be together now.

But I went to see C. And we had a great week. We hung out, played video games, got drunk, it was great. Of course his girlfriend stopped by every day for a few hours at least, and sometimes I’d be left alone in his apartment while they went for dinner and stuff. And that was when I cried.

I felt guilty for something that was beyond my control. I felt angry because, if my boyfriend had just been more willing to make it work, I wouldn’t have gone crying to C and I wouldn’t have ended up with this big fat crush on him.

By the time it was time to return home, I went and moved all my stuff out of my now ex-bf’s apartment and took the cats to my parents. I spent Christmas with them, and despite how much it hurt being alone surrounded by my family who were all coupled up, I had my work in 2023 to get me through.

But I also had C. We texted, a lot, after the breakup. I think he wanted to make sure I was okay? That I wasn’t feeling down.

But eventually it was my turn to check in on him, as C and his gf broke up. We spent a lot of time on FaceTime that week, being a pair of sad single losers drinking red wine and talking shit. He was my friend, and I cared about him a lot.

Come New Year’s Eve, I was invited to see in 2023 with my closest friends at a party one of them was hosting. And it was there I saw my ex-bf for the first time since I moved out.

I expected he would be there, after all, we had a lot of the same friends. But I was prepared for it. I’d cried my tears out, I’d gotten out all of my frustrations, and so when he asked me out on the balcony for a chat, I said ‘sure, why not?’

Call it a bad idea, call me foolish, but we ended up making out up there. We kissed at midnight that night, and promised to give it all another go. He said he wouldn’t get jealous of me and my job, and I said I’d try to come home more and spend more time with him.

The first week of January, I moved my stuff back into our apartment, brought the cats back from my parents, and we rekindled our relationship. Despite all the pain I went through, I still loved him. And he still loved me.

But then C texted, asked if I wanted to fly over and hang out for a weekend. My bf wasn’t too happy with the idea. He was still convinced I had a thing for C, despite me telling him most certainly that I didn’t. But I did still have a thing for C.

Thing were frosty between me and my bf for a few days, and as I prepared to return to work, he got increasingly more agitated. But eventually, when it came time for me to leave, he cried. I cried and hugged him as we parted at the airport. I promised I would call and text every day, and that I wouldn’t ignore him in favour of work.

I loved my boyfriend, I really did. But then I saw C again. And now I don’t know what to do.

I love both of them, so much, and I don’t know what I want anymore. Is it selfish of me to stay with my bf? Would it be stupid for me to call it quits with him and risk things with C even if he doesn’t feel the same? I’m just stuck in a rut and my emotions are going crazy. Help!

TLDR: my boyfriend thinks I’m in love with my coworker, I say I’m not, but after a shaky period with my bf, I fell for my coworker. Now I don’t know what to do! Help?

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AutoModerator • 2d ago

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Reindeerbuddy27 • 4d ago

I think your boyfriend sounds like a dick. It was his fault for ghosting you! If he hadn’t have reacted the way he did over summer you would have never bonded with your coworker and caught feelings. IMO you’d be better off breaking up with him and either being single or getting with C, though I’d give him some time to get over his own ex-gf before you try anything!

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Throwaway27936 • 4d ago

Yeah, it kinda was his fault I caught feelings in the first place, you’re right. I wouldn’t say he was a dick, he just missed me I guess and his sadness turned into anger the longer I was away and it just all exploded. Even so, we’re back together and on good terms, and I still love him. I don’t think I could break up with him without a valid reason to do so?

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ReindeerBuddy27 • 3d ago

I get that you don’t want to lose him, but if you’re not fully invested in the relationship with him and want to explore the possibility of having something with C, I think breaking up with your bf would be the fairest thing to do.

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Throwaway27936 • 3d ago

Hmm… maybe you’re right. I need some time to think about it. Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it! ♥︎

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Pedr0Pascal14 • 4d ago

Would you maybe be able to ask your bf about opening your relationship? Allowing you to pursue things with C to see where they lead while also keeping your bf?

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Throwaway27936 • 4d ago

Definitely not. He’s all about monogamy, and I am too. If I suddenly asked about opening the relationship he’d be even more suspicious of me and my reasons for asking.

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Demeter779 • 3d ago

Could you reduce the amount of time spent at work maybe? Like going part time so you’re only away for six months out of the year?

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Throwaway27936 • 3d ago

Sadly it’s not possible. My job is kinda all or nothing. If I asked about reducing my hours they’d laugh in my face and fire me. There’s plenty of people who would die for a chance to fill my role so I wouldn’t be missed.

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Demeter779 • 3d ago

That sucks. I would say tho, without being mean, it seems like your job is your number one priority and not your bf. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I think that’s where the problem lies. Especially if before you took the job he was always your number one! It’s probably been hard for him to adjust! I hate to say it, but I don’t think you two are meant to be and these problems are only gonna get worse this year with you being away. This situation really sucks for you OP, I’m sorry.

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LionVerstappen33 • 2d ago

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Hon3ybadg3r • 2d ago

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MonacoBaby • 2d ago

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r/relationship_advice • 6hr ago

posted by Throwaway27936

UPDATE: My (25F) boyfriend (27M) thinks I have a thing for one of my coworkers (25M). The worst thing about it is… I do.

Okay, ya got me.

Considering my life has already been put under extreme scrutiny from random strangers on the internet to literal news publications, I figured it couldn’t get any worse than it already has and so I’d post an update here.

I wanna start out by saying I am stupid. I made my post thinking I was fully anonymous, the account was a throwaway with no real ties to my irl identity and I tried as hard as I could to conceal the true nature of my work, but you F1 girlies are far too intelligent and I realise that now.

In hindsight I shouldn’t have deleted those comments, because it did just make me look more suspicious. If I’d have left them, maybe even replied to them and said ‘yes I work in F1 but can we please keep it on the dl as I don’t want anyone finding out who I am’ then right now I wouldn’t be sat in my childhood bedroom crying with a cat on my knee typing out this post.

I also wanna say that I hold no grudges with Twitter user LionVerstappen_ I mean, they’re far too clever for their own good, and they terrify me, but I don’t hate them, and all the hate that they’re getting is unjustified and wrong. It was my fault for posting on the internet thinking I’d be safe. That’s on me, not them, so please do leave them alone.

Since that post was made, a lot has changed. Obviously I had already returned to work, I was in the factory at Maranello working on some technical shit I won’t bore you with and getting ready for the livery reveal on the 14th and fine tuning for next season.

I had seen LionVerstappen_ and Hon3ybadg3r’s comments and deleted them as soon as I did. I didn’t fancy answering them, and thought ‘shit, this is getting a little dicey’ and disabled commenting on my post. I thought that would be the end of that, I had some good advice given before that, and I would mull it over before I next saw my boyfriend.

Suddenly, my phone just started fucking blowing up. I had a bunch of random people request to follow me on Instagram, and when I say a bunch, I mean a fuck load. Like 20k follow requests in the space of a few hours. Immediately I was like ‘what the fuck?’ Assuming I’d been hacked or something. I had like 200 followers before that, and I knew all of them in some capacity, and I hadn’t just become some internet celebrity (not on purpose at least) so what was going on?

That’s when I got a message from my friend back home. She’s an F1 fan and is pretty active on F1twt which is how she saw the posts. She sent me a link to the original tweet from LionVerstappen_ as well as to DeuxMoi’s Instagram stories. I was shocked, I really didn’t know how to react.

I couldn’t believe that my silly little Reddit post had actually been figured out, especially after I’d deleted those comments, I thought it was the end. I debated taking down the Reddit post, but really, what was that gonna do? There were already screenshots all over Twitter so it wouldn’t make a difference.

This all happened during my lunch break, and after lunch, I was called into my boss’ office. It seems the Ferrari PR department had also seen the tweets and the speculation, and they wanted to talk to me about it.

I burst into tears. My personal life was all over the internet, my boyfriend had probably seen it all and knew how I felt and that I’d been lying to him about my feelings. I knew it was only a matter of time before he called me and ended things with me again.

Thankfully, the PR team were nice to me. They said they’d handle it, and most importantly, that my job was safe. It was nothing to do with my capabilities as an engineer, after all, so I suppose it made sense. What they did do, however, is give me the week off to sort my life out.

I left the factory sniffling like a baby, packed my shit and got on a plane home. I called my parents to pick me up from the airport, and asked them to take my stuff back to their place but to drop me at the apartment my bf and I shared.

When I entered the flat I had to brace myself. I knew it wasn’t gonna be pretty. My bf was sat on the sofa, surrounded by packed bags and boxes again. Deja vu anyone?

He didn’t yell, or threaten me, or call me names like I thought he would. No, he stood up, and hugged me. And I started crying like a baby. Full on body shaking sobs.

I told him I was sorry, that I loved him, but I understood. He said it was okay.

We sat down together surrounded by the boxes of my things, he made me a coffee, and we talked. It was refreshing to talk to him considering last time he forced me out of the house without a word.

I told him everything, from start to finish. About how neglected and sad I felt after the summer break, how his ghosting was what led me to Charles, how I still really loved him but just didn’t know what I wanted, and how scary it was to have my private life all over the internet like that.

He was sympathetic, but ultimately he said that we just didn’t work together. He wished me luck, I took the cats, got in a taxi, and went home.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t really upset about the whole relationship ending. Mainly because I was just so relieved my ex was handling the whole situation so well. I’ll miss him terribly, he was more than just my boyfriend but he was my best friend too (I am aware of how cliche that sounds).

We had bonded over F1 all those years ago. I was cheering for Sebastian Vettel and he was cheering for Lewis Hamilton while watching a race in a sports bar. We ended up having an argument over who’s driver was better which after a few drinks evolved into us making out in the smoking area. That night I’d told him my dream, to be an engineer, to work for Ferrari. He believed in me, and it’s due to his belief that I managed to get my job. It’s a shame that achieving my dream was the thing that eventually tore us apart.

But anyway, now I’m at home. My parents are out collecting all my things from my ex’s flat right now, and I’ve finally calmed down enough to start typing this out. Mainly because Nemo has decided to curl up in my lap and have a big nap.

Consider my overdue cat tax paid:

When I settled in my room, Charles called me. I nearly didn’t answer it, but I did.

For the sake of his privacy, I’m not going to tell you all of what was said. But I can say that he doesn’t hate me, and if anything, he feels so bad for the situation I ended up in.

I suppose he knows what it’s like to have all that speculation around your personal life 24/7 and can empathise more than most of the people in my life.

I will also say, that we are just friends! That’s all. This isn’t a hallmark movie. He hasn’t hopped on his private jet, flown all the way to my home in bumblefuck nowhere to declare his love for me, and we all live happily ever after.

Real life is a lot more complicated than that. And a lot shittier and a lot more depressing.

I’m going back to Maranello tomorrow morning. I know they gave me the week off, but I’m going to spend some time in the area, maybe even look at getting a proper rental and moving out there full time. I have nothing really to tie me to my home anymore, not really (and yes I will bring the cats with me and pay a cat sitter!)

So yeah, this is my update. You don’t need to worry about me, I’m fine now, I think! Moving onwards and upwards. One day this will be a funny story I’ll look back on. It isn’t funny now, but it will be.

I do ask, however, that everyone reading this post thinks before they post. I’m a real person, and thanks to all this drama my life is fucked up and I’m now Googling how to emigrate to Italy.

Before you press that button, just consider how it will affect that person, and if it’s really worth it. Sometimes it is, I’ll grant you. But we’re all real people. Those of us in the factories, the TPs, the drivers, everyone. And we have a right to respect and privacy just as any ordinary person does. Think before you post.

I’m signing off now. It’s been a wild ride. Comments will be off, no doubt you’ll be making comments and dissecting my every word on Twitter anyways but at least I don’t have to see em.

I likely won’t update this again.

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AutoModerator • 6hr ago

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March 5th 2023

No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t quite acclimate yourself to the dry heat of Bahrain. Your hair clung to your neck with sweat, and your team polo was already sodden and damp.

You weren’t quite sure if it was just the heat, or the nerves getting to you as the cars begun their formation lap. You fidgeted with the pen in your hand, your eyes firmly transfixed on the screen in front of you as you catch a glimpse of red zooming down the straight.

Lucky for you, things had died down. As the season began, people had the racing to focus on, and your silly little Reddit post had been almost forgotten. You were able to blend into the background, just as you had done that previous year. You were just another engineer hidden amongst a sea of red shirts, and it was nice.

You knew, however, that this peace would be short lived. It was only a matter of time before you were all over social media again, not as the mystery Reddit user anymore, but as Charles Leclerc’s new girlfriend.

You didn’t lie in your post, the two of you hadn’t gotten together on that fateful day. You were just friends. That was until February 14th.

The day of the car reveal, which also happened to coincide with Valentine’s Day. You didn’t mind, of course, after all, you had no plans. You were quite happy to have something else going on to distract you from your tragic love life.

Charles, however, had made plans. After the reveal you went back to his hotel room, where he had organised a fancy dinner with candles and roses. He asked you out then and there, away from the prying eyes of fans or paparazzi.

To you, it was the most romantic gesture anyone could ever make. It was clear he had thought of you, keeping the moment as private as possible to protect you.

He, of course, knew how you felt about him. He didn’t have to worry, he knew you’d say yes. And you did.

You spent the evening drinking wine, chatting, just as you had always done. But one thing was different - after dessert he kissed you.

The kiss was sweet, and it wasn’t just because of the tiramisu he had eaten.

He didn’t want to rush you, he knew that you were still healing from your trauma. But you weren’t so coy.

February 14th marked the first time you had kissed Charles Leclerc, but it also marked the first time the two of you made love.

Since that day, the two of you had kept your relationship a secret. You cooked for one another, or ordered takeout, watched movies, cuddled with the cats, and just enjoyed each other’s company.

It was exactly what you had wanted. A nice, private relationship with the man you had fallen so deeply in love with.

But there was a small niggling feeling in the back of your mind that it was all about to change. If he won this race, you wouldn’t be able to control yourself. You wouldn’t be able to stop the urge to throw yourself into his arms, to kiss him all over, to tell him just how proud you are.

A race winner always deserves a kiss, right?

You chew on your nail as the final cars pull into position, ready for lights out.

Charles had taken pole position that previous day, but you had managed to save your celebrations for later, sneaking over to his hotel room when no one was around and promptly sneaking out early this morning to avoid suspicion.

Lights out - Charles’ reactions are lightning. He manages to keep away from the rest of the grid, allowing the cars behind him to battle for P2.

The Ferrari garage is hopeful, but they know better than to cheer before the race is won. Too many bittersweet moments from the previous season haunted each and every one of them.

All was well, Charles was set for the first win of the season, until a collision at the back of the pack meant that the safety car reared its ugly head.

Max was getting closer and closer to the back of Charles’ car. They weaved behind the safety car, getting ready, preparing for the moment that it would leave the track.

As the car enters the pit lane, the power was in Charles’ hands. He needed to make a good move, surprise Max, get him on the back foot and out of sight.

There were only two laps left. Two laps to victory. Max just had to stay back, and Charles had to race like he’d never raced before.

You chew on your nails anxiously as Charles takes each and every corner, hitting the apex with precision. All that time in the simulator was definitely paying off.

They cross the line for the final lap, Charles was a car’s length ahead, but Max too was pushing hard. He wanted that first win just as much as Charles did. But you told yourself mentally that he wasn’t going to get it. This was Charles’ race, and he was going to stand on that top step of the podium.

The seconds felt like hours. You make eye contact with Vasseur across the garage and he gives you a small smile. A reassuring one, and you smile back. It probably looked more like a grimace but it was the best you could muster.

The final corner passes with ease, and it looks like Charles has hung onto his win. Max is practically driving alongside him as they cross the finish line. No one cheers.

It’s a waiting game, waiting for the photo to see who had crossed the line first.

You bury your head in your hands, unable to think, talk, move or see until the entire garage erupts into cheers.

He had done it! Charles had won the race!

Tears begin to fall from your eyes as you finally look up. You were sobbing, you couldn’t help it. He’d won.

You give every mechanic you see a pat on the back as you walk over to Vasseur. He was smiling brightly at you. He had so much faith in Charles, he loved him like a son.

He embraces you tightly as you cry onto his shoulder, and he whispers ever so quietly “go see him. See your love.”

You didn’t even care to ask how he was able to see right through the two of you. You just pulled away and nodded as you run out of the garage towards parc ferme alongside a sea of red suits and shirts.

You push your way to the front, definitely sure that your tear stained face would be onscreen for the world to see, but you didn’t care. The world had seen worse of you, after all.

When Charles takes off his helmet, your heart skips a beat. He was beautiful, every day he was beautiful. Even when he was still sweaty and breathing heavy from the adrenaline of the race, his face marked with balaclava lines.

He makes a beeline for you, pulling you in for a hug the way friends would hug one another.

“Kiss me.” You say.

“Are you sure, mon amour?” He whispers, and you nod.

Charles captures your lips in a kiss reminiscent of your very first just a few days ago. The cameras were definitely on you, but you didn’t care.

No doubt social media would be going crazy over the whole thing, but it was nothing new to you. At least this time you weren’t just in love with your coworker, but he was in love with you too.

Whatever the internet may have to throw at you, this time, you didn’t have to handle it alone.

—

~ THE END ~

#charles leclerc x reader #Charles Leclerc x You #Charles Leclerc imagine #charles leclerc x reader social media au

[maniculum]

Google Docs vs. Geoffrey Chaucer

A while back, just for fun, I pitted Google Docs's fancy new (read: hilariously inept) machine-learning spellchecker against a chapter of my dissertation that contained a lot of quotations from Le Morte Darthur:

At the time I suggested I might go back and do the same with the chapters that included substantial quotation from the Canterbury Tales and (shudder) Piers Plowman... and today I find myself with little better to do, so let's give it a go. Below the cut.

Extremely helpful there, thanks. For the curious, gilofre is a plant; in Modern English it's gillyflower. Clowe is just "clove". "Clowe-galofre" is nowhere on Google or in the OED, but it seems "Galofre" is an attested surname, so Google thinks maybe that's what I meant.

Fascinating choices here. That is of course meant to be nutmeg, and Google Docs has seemingly decided that putting in a space to turn one misspelled word into two words, one of which is spelled correctly, is a positive development. That or this is a continuation of the previously-observed trend that Google turns things into brands and corporation as much as possible -- apparently there is a company called "Emuge-Franken", which is the only result for "emuge" on Google Search.

It hasn't gotten anything right so far, by the way -- all those red underlines I haven't screenshotted anything for, it either suggests a word that is wrong but unremarkably so, or fails to suggest anything.

(Never mind, it got a couple right in between the last one and this one.)

This is interesting in that it shows Google Docs interprets things differently based on capitalization. This instance of bityde is capitalized because it's at the beginning of the line; the other one in the phrase bityde what bityde, which isn't capitalized, Google is able to correctly interpret as "betide". However, it seems to think the first is a proper noun and makes different suggestions. (Blyde is the Afrikaans name of the Motlatse River in South Africa, it would seem.)

I am reluctantly forced to hand it to Google Docs with this one. Like, no, that's not what Chaucer meant of course, but I can respect the shot being taken. Also interesting that it gets the blue underline because you can't really spell a transliteration wrong, but that's not how the system we normally use renders it. Not sure why spere "spear" (Google suggests "sphere") and vestiments "vestments" (Google gets this one right) are also marked as blue (style/grammar) rather than red (spelling), though.

... and now I'm taking what I just handed to Google Docs back away. WTF is this? Why...? you know what, we're moving on.

Bafflingly, Google thinks there is nothing at all unusual about that first line. Yep, that's normal Modern English there.

And here's our first example in this post of Google Docs trying to suggest a spelling that is also in Middle English, because I very much suspect the data it uses has been contaminated. Actually, come to think, if their machine learning system bases its judgments on what other users write rather than the old system with a set dictionary, I bet all the people writing papers about pre-standardized-spelling English literature are really screwing up the data. Which is hilarious -- if true, that would mean that I'm actually part of the problem for writing this whole dissertation full of Middle English quotes in Google Docs.

You might think this is another example of the same, but in fact the change from -ioun to -ion makes that suspect, and the Middle English Dictionary doesn't recognize it without the <u>. And if you Google Refleccion, all the results are in Spanish. However, I can't seem to find it in a Spanish-English dictionary, and those same dictionaries tell me the Spanish for reflection is reflexion -- maybe this is a variant spelling? I only have basic high-school Spanish to draw on here, so if any of my followers are fluent and can explain refleccion to me, I would be interested to learn.

Hm... no, that's not right either. Although a quick Google search tells me that there is a YA book called Physik, so that's probably what's screwing up this one. Probably not ideal for that sort of thing to happen.

And this one, it seems, is French. (Again, according to the Middle English Dictionary, all the attested Middle English spellings have the <u> -- but the French cognate is in fact spelled just like Google suggests, as far as I can tell. I don't speak French at all, though, so grain of salt.) I wonder how that happened -- do non-English words just kind of drift into the machine-learning system's vocabulary? Possibly through the same mechanism I speculated about with the Middle English above -- i.e., people write documents that are mostly in English, but contain some quotations or something in other languages, and if that happens enough, Google starts to think it's an English word?

Wait, is that maybe what's screwing a lot of this up? Either Google's system is going "This document is in English, so all the words in it are English words" and thus stuff just keeps bleeding between languages and screwing up the dictionary, OR Google's system is just kind of language-agnostic and sees no issue with suggesting French words in a document that's mostly in English? Is this why there are so many words that aren't correct Modern English spelling, but which Google Docs doesn't mark wrong? Like, they happen to line up with words in other languages, so Google just thinks you're borrowing really haphazardly throughout?

Also, side note, it tried to correct "hir" to "hirt", which is not an English word, but apparently stands for High Impact Resistance Training. Moving on.

Shenden is a Middle English verb that basically means "to damage or destroy". You don't really see it much in Modern English, though the OED has a couple examples of 20th-century usage. Anyway, I thought this was another case of Google bringing in different Middle English words, but a quick search tells me "Sente" is a skincare brand. That's probably more relevant.

Google Docs again just ignoring whole lines.

Odd choice there, sight being closer than site in terms of spelling. Maybe the algorithm assumes that if you end with an <e> you probably mean the second one.

Interesting, Google Docs. Why do you think that should be "night"? (Oddly, it actually gets all the red-underlined words in this line correct, meaning it pretty much has the context of the word.) Somewhat weird suggestion there.

I'm about a quarter of the way through the document and I think this is long enough for now; I'll probably come back and reblog with additions later. Before I go, however, here are my lists of "things spellcheck should be able to fix but can't" from what I've gone through so far.

First, spellings that differ from Modern English by only one letter, but which completely stump Google Docs (i.e., it marks them wrong but only gives the "why am I not seeing a suggestion?" message):

Goute ("gout")

Herbes ("herbs")

Melodye ("melody")

Smale ("small")

Swete ("sweet")

Syde ("side")

Ther ("there")

Wel ("well")

And second, words that are not correct in Modern English but that Google Docs does not mark wrong:

Anoon ("anon")

Attempree ("a temperate")

Beautee ("beauty")

Bowle ("bowl")

Dar nat ("dare not")

Daunce ("dance")

Dede ("dead")

Doon ("do")

Dronke ("drank")

Dronken ("drunken")

Fyr ("fire")

Gyse ("guise")

Hadde ("had")

Hir ("her")

Hir ("their")

Hond ("hand")

Lak ("lack")

Lakked ("lacked")

Lordes ("lords")

Maad ("made")

Pyne ("pain")

Rasour ("razor")

Sayde ("said")

Shere ("shear")

Som ("some)

Sondry ("sundry")

Spyces ("spices")

Styward ("steward")

Syk ("sick")

Thencens ("the incense")

Usshers ("ushers")

Wente ("went")

Wyf ("wife")

Y-goon ("gone")

#damnable machines #middle english #medieval literature #geoffrey chaucer #canterbury tales

[wuzhere75]

More goofy idiots; high school musical edition. Also yeah I probably just could have gotten away with Kinkajou (also yes both her and Qibil’s names are misspelled AF in the image I’m not fixing it right now) plus the actual protags but I need to practice for Arc 3 which aparently has like several dozen pseudo-protagonists, which I’m probably going to do in a slightly different style because I like the idea of trying sketchy line art with the procreate brush pen.

Okay now time for the actual headcanons

-I originally was going to give Moon a way different design (her horns where going to be long and curved like ibex horns/crescent moons but I couldn’t get that to work in the sketch; she was going to have a split color design, like one side of her body was going to be light and the other dark like a half moon), but then my brain went “albino=white/pink with red eyes, that’s moon-y because the moon looks white from earth sometimes and blood moons are a thing so red”. I do like the sketch I came up with. I still think I could have gone harder with the wrinkly skin and underbite, since I imagine it those are details frequently found on Nightwings from the volcano.

-I think Moon being a twist villain, or at least an untrustworthy character, would be kind of interesting. Like if she had been the final POV character instead and she’d been kind of this ambiguous, somewhat suspicious guide to the Darkstalker stuff.

-The entire modern Icewing royal family is considered somewhat strange looking by that tribes standards; unusually short horns, typically no fur, and oddly dark and saturated colors. I’m not from a place that gets snowy, white winters that often. More “everything dies back and it gets muddy, foggy, and frosty”, thus Winter’s color palette.

-I have a headcanon that firescales/fireless twin sets are technically identical (Sky being NB), it’s just due to the presences of no/too much fire, their features develop differently. Peril has far richer and saturated colors than Sky, but their actual patterns are identical. Due to her fire, Peril’s feathers never properly grew in (she’s like the sphinx cat equivalent of a Skywing), while Sky by comparison is very floofy. However if you peeled Sky (shaved off their feathers), they would have the exact same body shapes and features as their sister. Also the aforementioned color patterns are based of the American Kestrel.

-I have a couple of old Turtle designs kicking around my Procreate; I originally was going to use one of them (which I might post at some point to embarrass myself), to inspire this one. However, I ended up creating something entirely new. My original design had him as a lot more solid, gross yellow-y shade of green, with no tan underbelly or needle. However I discovered that the underbelly and needle would give him some nice resemblance to his sister Tsunami. Also I was using mata-mata turtles as one of my primary design references and damn those bois got schnoze.

-Turtle also would have been an interesting twist villain. Like if we got faked out like “he’s too suspicious to be the bad guy” and then he just is.

-Funny thing about Qibil; I always mis-remembered Qibils earring as having a black diamond earring rather than an “orange sunstone” one. Perhaps I was confusing his drip with Blister’s. He gets both as a treat. Also the reason why he has the classic fan depiction head sail strandy-thingy because of the scar his mom gave him. The sail behind the scar grew back all delicate and long; he’s let it grow out to see how long it can get.

-The little unneeded spite for the series/fandom I have for some reason built up on Qibil for some reason. Maybe because seemingly the rest of the fandom worships the little guy. I’d probably like him if I actually read the books, but I have developed a stupid re-write of him where he is sort of like the annoying little brother of the Jade Winglet and Jade Moutain as a general who thinks he is hotter shit than he is that nobody dares talk down to for fear of bringing mama Thorn or big sister Sunny down on their asses. He’s tried to flirt with everybody in his winglet and they’ve all pushed him away with some degree of gentleness.

-IDK who was the first fan artist to do magenta-yellow-cyan Kinkajou but it sure as hell works. I have a headcanon that younger Rainwing dragonets tend to have brighter, saturated comfort colors (image the “crayola water marker base pack” color palette). However as Rainwings mature, they tend to “mild” out their comfort colors with more varied hues. Thus, she used to have the neon pink-yellow color palette when she was younger. Also she kind of ended up looking kind of like a lychee or rambutan and I love it.

-I didn’t have too many thoughts on Umber. I mostly just focused on making him look different enough from Clay while still making him look like a possible sibling.

-I thought I was going to put more effort into Carnelians design, but I ended up just yeeting something together based off the real world carnelian stone.

-I know Anenome is described as being pink and blue/white in the books, but where I live we have neat little pink tipped green anemones so that’s her color palette. Also I imagine she wears a lot more jewelry when she’s at home but she just took a few things with her to school.

#wof #wof headcanon #wof arc 2 #wof art #wof mudwing #wings of fire #wof nightwing #wof sandwing #wof skywing #wof rainwing #wof seawing #wof icewing #wof moon #wof winter #wof peril #wof turtle #wof qibli #wof kinkajou #wof umber #wof carnelian #wof jade mountain #dragon #my art #digital art #procreate #2022 #Fanart

[lowaltitude]

can you do a short steve x reader? i need something to read on my bus ride. fluff maybe?!?!? i don’t want it include the demogorgans

Know What? | Steve Harrington

- Stranger Things

- x Reader (Y/N)

- edit: STEVE’S POV: HERE!

- 2,437 words. Read time: 5-9 minutes

❪ FEM! ❫

───── ❝ description + disclaimer ❞ ─────

𖥻 steve & y/n enemies to lovers? one shot. set in s2. small prologue before s1. You know about the upside down, etc. friends with Nancy.

𖥻 Billy included as a “love interest” for quick story progression. short & probably a bit shitty (it’s 5:30am and i’m angry at tumblr)

───── ❝ prologue - 1982 ❞ ─────

My pants were stained from some jerk spilling his drink at lunch. My shoes had brown and black tyre marks across them from my little brother’s bike. And the cherry on top; I got dress coded for my sleeves being too short. MY SLEEVES, can you believe that? I’d already woken up in a bad mood today, why couldn’t the universe just do me one favour.

I wanted to pound my fist into the metal of my locker, I’d put the combination in more times than I had cared to count but it wouldn’t unlock. All I wanted to do was grab my stupid $80 text book and go to the last class of this awful day.

“Do you need some help?” The voice was right beside me and I turned my head to look at who it was. One of the boys a couple of grades above closing a locker a few down from me.

I ran my tongue over my teeth and went back to turning the lock “No.”

“Are you sure? Because I can—”

“I said, ‘No.’ Which word don’t you understand?”

“Jeez” The boy laughed but you could easily tell how forced it was. “What crawled up your ass?”

“I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

“Well, aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine.”

I harshly pulled the paper I’d scribbled my locker code down on from my pocket and scanned the numbers. 19 0 75. That’s what i’m putting in!

“Hey” I rolled my eyes at the sound of someone else approaching. Another boy stopped at the locker beside me. He whistled and muttered something under his breath before leaning against the locker and looking at me. “Ok, I’m here. So tell me, what do you want for your next wish?”

I grumbled and dropped the lock, giving up on attempting to unlock it and hoping that since it was our first day we just wouldn’t have to do any actual work.

Turning away from them I began towards my class and just hoped that it would go fast. “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”

As I walked into class (late) all eyes turned to me.

“Miss Y/N, was it?” The teacher said, eying the list of student names he had.

“Uh- Yes”

“Late on the first day, that doesn’t set a very good standard… And I hope someone’s already told you about your shirt being inappropriate?”

Gritting my teeth, I forced a smile to stop myself from lashing out at the man. “I’ve been told. I’ll just take my seat now” I shuffled down to the only empty seat in the back of the classroom, some girls shooting me a look of pity but Jonathan Byers greeted me with a cautious smile as I sat beside him.

The teacher let out a deep exasperated sigh. “No textbook, I see. Mr Byers will you please share with her.”

Jonathan pushed the book towards the centre of the table and I sighed, grabbing a pen and opening my notebook.

“What’s the matter with your shirt?” Jonathan whispered.

“Oh, you can’t tell?” I scoffed. “My arms are, quote, very distracting and it’s a shame for a girl like me to be wasting my potential flaunting myself in the hall, unquote.”

Jonathan, seeing how bad my mood was, nodded to himself and went about his studies. Allowing me to marinate in my anger without him getting burned.

───── ❝ ❞ ─────

“How was your first day?”

“Oh splendid” I huffed. “High School is absolutely positively amazing”

My mother stared at me for a second before turning her attention to my brother. “How was your first day?”

He happily spilled details of his day, and I sighed to myself. Hopefully tomorrow would be better, and maybe I could apologise to the boys I’d yelled at.

───── ❝ 1984 - 2. Trick Or Treat, Freak ❞ ─────

As I chained my bike up, I couldn’t help but hear the loud sound of an engine. And neither could anyone else apparently since all eyes were on this shining blue car with California license plates.

New kid in Hawkins.

I found Nancy as she stepped out of Steve’s car. She lifted her hand to wave and I saw Steve follow her gaze towards me, the smile disappearing from his face and causing in to appear in mine. I raised my hand to wave back at her but unintentionally caught the eye of the new kid.

He looked around and, since Nancy was across the parking lot, didn’t see anyone waving back so he assumed it was for him.

“Hey” He nodded, smirking as he strutted towards me.

“Oh, hi?” I uttered. “I wasn’t waving to you, actually.”

He forced a short laugh, as if he didn’t believe it. “Sure. I’m Billy. Hargrove.”

“Cool.” Turning away from him, I tugged my backpack straps and smiled at a few girls from my class. The boy followed me and it took me a few seconds to register. “Sorry, am I meant to introduce myself too?”

“It would be nice” He scoffed. Steve and Nancy passed by, Nancy not saying anything while Steve’s jaw was practically on the floor. A disgusted scowl on his face.

“Uh, i’m Y/N.” I did my best to mimic his voice as closely as I could.

“See you ‘round then?”

I forced a sickeningly sweet grin on my face. “Probably not.”

Billy turned into the administration office and I continued to my locker, Steve already raising an eyebrow at me.

“Problem, Harrington?” He simply hummed in response, closing his locker door and going off to his class.

───── ❝ ❞ ─────

Tommy H made his way though the crowd of students trying to get home, leaning on the lockers between mine and Steve’s. “What’s your costume?”

“Nance and I are Joel and Lana, from Risky Business”

“What about you?” Tommy looked at me expectantly and I just stared at him. My mind blank. Steve was gawking at the back of his best friends head, as shocked by the question as I was.

“Excuse me?”

“Your costume. What is it?”

“Trust me, not even make-up can make her look good” Steve scoffed. We’d been somewhat ‘nicer’ to each other since he began dating Nancy, but of course he decided to be a dick like always.

I hummed, closing my locker. “Weird you think you need a costume, since you’re always pretending to be something you’re not”

Steve opened his mouth to make a comeback but I was sick of looking at him already. I poked my tongue out at him, swinging my backpack over my shoulder and staring the walk out of the building.

Billy was just outside the door, lighting a cigarette. “Hey” He spoke as I almost bumped into him.

“Hi” I continued walking, Billy deciding to walk alongside me.

He stood idly as I unchained my bike. “You don’t drive”

“Amazing observation”

“You don’t like me”

“Ding ding ding. Another winner”

Steve walked out the door, stopping in his tracks when he saw Billy and I talking. Billy turned to look at where my eyes had wandered, clicking his tongue when he saw Steve there.

“Ah, you’ve got a crush on that guy?”

“Ew. Steve? God no.” I fake gagged aloud, beginning to walk with my bike, Billy jogging to catch up with me. “He’s got a girlfriend, and he hates me”

“So, will I see you at that halloween thing tonight?”

“Not a chance”

“Y/N” Steve called. I looked past Billy, giving him a questioning look. “Come over here”

I groaned, turning my bike so I could go towards Steve. Billy only laughed, pulling his keys from his pocket and taking another puff of smoke “I’ll save you a drink”

“I’m not going” I beamed, the two of us parting ways. “What?” I hissed at Steve.

“I think you need to stay away from that guy”

“I think you pretending to care about me is annoying”

“He’s an asshole”

“And you’re what, better than him?” Steve blinked a few times, not daring to answer.

───── ❝ ❞ ─────

The music was blaring as I entered Tina’s house. A few steps inside and I already wanted to go home, regretting my bold costume choice of just not wearing a costume and found my way to the kitchen for a drink.

“We’ll don’t you look…” I looked over Billy’s costume “Shirtless”

“You did show up, I knew I was irresistible.” He passed me a plastic cup before scooping another in the punch bowl. Walking out of the kitchen, Billy followed closely behind me.

I sipped my heavily spiked punch and eyed the blonde “You’re obsessed with me a little bit, aren’t you?”

He laughed, leaning against the wall and looking down at me. “Youre obsessed with yourself if you believe that” He brought his cup to his lips, looking around the room and giving a few suggestive winks or smiles to girls that were drooling over than him. Each girl would immediately perk up, turning to the friends surrounding her and practically go into a giggling frenzy.

“Why do they like you?” I wondered aloud. “I get it, they think you’re ‘like totally smoking hot’ but they don’t know you”

Billy opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by almost everyone near the kitchen gasping, I tried to peer past him but failed to see what was so shocking. He lost interest quickly, the party returning to how loud it had been a moment ago and Billy giving me his attention again. “Mystery is part of my charm.”

I hummed in response, sipping my drink again when a door down the hall slammed, Steve rushing out. He glanced at me, keeping his head down as he went towards the door. “Harrington?” I questioned but he kept walking. I pushed my cup into Billy’s hand and pushed my way through he crowd to the door. “Harrington!” I repeated, the door closing behind me.

“What? What?!” He shouted, throwing his arms in the air and turning to look at me.

“You never leave a party early, you’re King Steve.” I walked down the steps, clinging my arms to my chest in defence against the cold breeze. “I know youre a douche but I’m still concerned. So what’s wrong?”

“Why don’t you ask Nancy? Or did you already know?”

“Know what?”

Steve walks closer, now only a few inches away, anger radiating off of him. I could even smell the alcohol on his breath.“You know.”

“Jesus, I’m trying to help you but if you cant put this petty feud aside for 15 seconds then I’m going back inside” I pushed his chest, turning back around. Steve moved quickly, now blocking the porch steps.

“I’m surprised you didn’t make it a point to tell me, wouldn’t that have made you happy? Rubbing it in my face that Nancy doesn’t love me!”

“I—” Steves words slowly sank in and I registered what he had just said to me. “She doesn’t love you?”

He paused, the anger fading as he realise I hadn’t known but I felt the anger now boiling inside of me

“You’re so good to her, too good to her. You fought a man eating monster from another dimension for her! How could she not love you?”

Steve stepped forward, one hand of his gently placed on my hip. His face coming close to mine, eyes closing, lips puckering up, and all the other sounds of the world going silent— the wind in the trees, the party in full swing— all silent, as Steve’s highly educated lips met mine. I was frozen.

And then below this, my heart reacting. Not a loud thump. Not a leap. More like a melody. My heart moving between two elements: one, excitement, and the other, fear. I tried to pay attention, push him away from me but I found myself unable to. My eyes fluttering shut as the heat rose in my cheeks. Finally, Steve broke off the kiss. He looked at me blankly a moment, and without a word he walked away, rushing down the front lawn and away from the party. I touched my finger to my lips before turning to see if Steve was gone before slowly walking back up the steps and in to the house.

“Hold the door” Jonathan spoke as I got inside, he held up a drunken Nancy. Stepping out the door, I put Nancy’s other arm over my shoulder to help him. “Thanks”

We made our way to his car in silence, carefully putting Nancy in the passenger seat.

“Do you need a ride?” Jonathan asked, closing the car door.

“No, no. I’ll find a way, just get her home.” I was afraid if I stayed with them I’d tell them what just happened, and I didn’t full understand it so how would they? Jonathan nodded and climbed in the drivers seat, startling the car as I went back inside again. Billy was leaned against the wall still holding my cup as he sipped on his.

“Hey” He grinned “I was afraid you weren’t coming back.”

“Yeah, I’m ready to head out.”

“Let me drive you, parties boring anyway.” He shrugged, throwing his head back and finishing his drink. Putting my drink on a random table, I followed closely behind him and out the door for the last time. He twirled his keys around his finger, walking down the lawn in an almost perfectly straight line, indicating to me he was sober enough to drive. Hopefully. I doubt there would be many cars on the road, and it would only take 2 minutes to get to my house.

Billy’s car was nice to say the least, and he instinctively turned down the radio as the car started. He didn’t say anything for a minute but when he finally spoke I barely even noticed him talking.

“What?”

He exhaled sharply out his nose, as if angry I hadn’t been listening but not wanting to show it. “I asked what was wrong with Harrington, why’d he storm off?”

“He was too drunk to tell me” I shrugged, hoping it was a decently believable lie. Billy nodded seemingly accepting it. “Turn left”

He did as I instructed, and parked when I pointed out my house. “Nice place.”

“It’s alright.” I opened the door, Steve was still running though my head and I wanted to think of anything but him even for a few more minutes. The lights were off, my parents probably long asleep. “Do you want to come inside?”

#steve harrington #steve stranger things #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x yn #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x you #steve harrington fanfiction #billy hargrove #enemies to lovers #one shot #short #fix request #ao3 #fanfic #archive of our own #ao3 fanfic #stranger things #steve harrington hc #king steve #steve the hair harrington #keg king #stranger things 2

[writeouswriter]

.....what do you mean "dial up the internet?" did you have to call someone to turn it on for you?

I... I honestly can't tell if this is a joke or not. 😭

But I'll take it as serious because apparently everyone else prior to 2015 was having fun on their nice and fast internet here except me, which is fair! So congrats on being one of today's lucky 10000.jpeg.

It does technically involve the telephone, but not exactly in that way. I'm not calling anyone, but the internet itself is, sort of?

Wikipedia describes dial-up Internet as "a form of Internet access that uses the facilities of the public switched telephone network to establish a connection to an Internet service provider by dialing a telephone number on a conventional telephone line."

Basically dial up is a now outdated form of internet that used a standard phone line and analog modem to access the Internet at data transfer rates of up to 56 Kbps. It was released commercially around 1992 but fell out of popularity in the early to mid 2000s after the introduction of commercial broadband in the late 1990s, except in rural or poorer areas where it tended to persist for a little while longer. (Hello from the rural areas.) Anyway, a dial-up connection is the least expensive way to access the Internet, but is also the slowest connection. (When I was a kid, I tried to watch a three minute video of the "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" song, and it took me at least an hour to load it without buffering. Though text based pages or images would maybe take a few minutes or so, so it wasn't like completely unusable.)

Also, due to how it's set up, you can't use the telephone (home phone) while connected, and if you were to try, it would make what we all know as the classic internet sounds, that you've probably heard even if you didn't know what it was: Pshhhkkkkkkrrrr​kakingkakingkakingtsh​chchchchchchchcch​*ding*ding*ding*. That's terrible phonetics, but I just took that off a search, I wasn't gonna try to type the sound out myself. This, anyway: X.

It honestly baffles me when people don't know what dial-up is, makes me feel old, but I can't hold it against anyone because if you didn't live in a rural area, most people got high speed or some variant thereof really really early on, and most people younger than me and even some older have always had it, so dial-up internet Georg (me), who still couldn't get a single image of a Nicolas Cage meme to load 8 years after the invention of the iPhone is an outlier and should not have been counted, apparently.

On that note, the store where I work at has frequent power outages, which always knocks out the internet to the debit machine, so I'll be like, sorry, we're on dial-up, and some people will smugly be like "oh I bet you don't remember dial-up," and I'll be like, "No, I, I had dial-up like all through high school," and their eyes will go wide, but I think it's mostly because 1. I look like I'm 12, but I'm very much not 12. and 2. Again, people not used to the rural experience, catches 'em off guard.

#dial up internet #ask #long post #my internet is still so slow I might as well have dial up some days my goodness

[themuse-if]

20 (or so) Questions with R Fukushi

Let's try to figure out this icy ballet bot! Is ballet really all that exists to them or do they have a secret sweet spot for something else?

Interviewer: Rina/Ren, thanks for taking the time to dive into more details. Let's start with your birthday – you're a Virgo, right?

R: Yes, September 10th. It's just another day, but people seem to think it holds some cosmic significance.

Interviewer: Understandable. Do you go by any nicknames, or is it all about Rina/Ren?

R: It's just Rina/Ren. Keeps it simple, and there's no need for unnecessary embellishments.

Interviewer: Got it. Beyond the world of dance, what are some good traits you'd say you possess?

R: Dedication and precision. When I set my mind on a goal, I don't stop until I've perfected it. Discipline is key.

Interviewer: Admirable qualities. Now, on the flip side, any challenging traits you're aware of?

R: Closed-off, perhaps a bit cold. Small talk isn't my forte.

Interviewer: Understood. Do you have any hobbies outside of dance?

R: Cardio and Pilates. Taking care of my body is not just a hobby; it's a necessity. A dancer's body is their temple.

Interviewer: Absolutely. Let's explore strengths a bit more. Besides dance, what do you consider your greatest strength?

R: Perfectionism. I strive for excellence in every move, every routine. Anything less is unacceptable.

Interviewer: And your biggest weakness?

R: Lack of openness, perhaps. I keep my circle small, and I don't readily let people in.

Interviewer: Understandable. Describe yourself in one word.

R: Focused.

Interviewer: How do you think others see you in one word?

R: Distant.

Interviewer: Let's talk about fears. What’s your greatest fear?

R: Not living up to my own standards. Failure isn't an option in my world.

Interviewer: Intense pressure. What are your top priorities in your life right now?

R: Becoming the best ballet dancer. Everything else comes second. It's about dominance in the world of dance.

Interviewer: Family time – tell me more about yours.

R: Fairly normal. My dad works in an office, my mom teaches Japanese at a community college, and my younger sister is navigating high school.

Interviewer: Future goals – what's on your agenda?

R: Dominating the ballet world. That's the only goal. Each performance is a step towards that.

Interviewer: Ambitious. Rainy days – how do you spend them?

R: If it's absolutely pouring and I can't force myself to walk over to the studio, then I'll just let myself relax. Maybe make some quick spaghetti and watch a movie. Maybe "Suspiria" the original of course. I have a thing for horror and suspense.

Interviewer: Not what I expected. Favorite book?

R: I'm Not that big on reading, but one of my friends made me read "The Dance of the Dolls" by Lucy Ashe. It features two of my favorite thing suspense and ballet, what more could I ask for. *shrugs*

Interviewer: Fair point. And your favorite movie?

R: Probably "Suspiria" the one done 1977 not the remake. It's visually stunning and the soundtrack by the band Goblin is a jarring masterpiece.

Interviewer: Alright. Any dark secrets?

R: No, not at all. What you see is pretty much what you get.

Interviewer: Ok...What about your physical appearance, what would you say is your best feature?

R: My body. I've put a lot of work into it, and I'm extremely proud of it

Interviewer: *gives R a long assessing look up and down* Indeed. I can tell. So, what about your least favorite?

R: My moles. there are just to many of them.

Interviewer: I think they're lovely, lots of people would call them beauty marks. *soft smile*

R: Yeah, I've heard that before. *completely deadpan*

Interviewer: Ok...last question, how would you describe being in love?

R: Haven't really thought about it. My focus is on dance, not romantic distractions. Then again, maybe one day once I've properly started my professional career.

Interviewer: Got it, Rina/Ren. Thanks for delving deeper into your world. Excited to witness your journey and dominance in the ballet scene!

#choice of games #choose your own adventure #choose your own story #dashingdon #interactive fiction #interactive if #twine if #twine interactive fiction #choice script #interactive novel #RO interviews #character profile

[tiredmamaissy]

hey, i want to get into writing but like idk how 😭 like how would i even start it off, how to finish, how to write smut? yk but i wanted to ask u bcs ur so good at it, so maybe u could help😋😋, perfectly okay if u don’t 😭

Hey! Thank you so much :').

I'm flattered that you're even asking me this question.

I honestly have no specific way of writing! (not that I'm aware of at least). I kind of feel like my writing is forever changing. When I wrote 'neteyam's first rut' (first post) I had the idea in my head for like days. One night I was like 'I literally can't keep this in my head any longer'. So I wrote it out, in no specific way/style of writing and did a quick proofread and decided:

"hey, why not post this shit? lol people probably won't even see it. and then i won't have this filthy smut in my hard drive for people to find when i'm dead (not even joking, this was literally what was going through my head.)"

But since I feel like my writing has changed a bit, hopefully not too drastically or out of character. Of course I've also gotten a little more comfortable on this site, too. :)

My experience with writing goes back to high school and university. I majored in a 'soft science', as they like to call it. Did tons and tons of research papers (way too fucking many to give it a number). So all I can really say about that is the more you write the easier it becomes - kind of like a muscle memory? Eventually it just flows out of you. Also reading. Reading helps ya know, the more you read the more you're exposed to other styles of writing, vocabulary, the whole shabang. Like @lovemyavatar, I love her style of writing, literally obsessed (and she knows it, hehe.)

I'd say write when you're motivated, inspired - driven. Or else it'll kind of dull the sparkle and take the fun out of it (wasn't fun writing any of those papers). So when an idea pops up, just go for it. Don't even think about grammar, vocabulary, etc. Just get that shit out of your system. You can always go back, fix any errors, and change things up - switch out a word with another, rephrase a sentence (or a paragraph or two), change up the plot - whatever you see fit. If I'm mid-washing the dishes and I get an idea I'll stop and make a quick voice note or a note in my phone.

As for starting and finishing, hmm. These are good questions, because I kind of feel like there's no standard or set way to start or finish literature. It all depends on what you're writing about and what your intentions are with it. What are you trying to portray? How do you want the reader to feel? What tense do you want to write in/most appropriate? What's your plot, if any? Where does it take place? What tone of voice do you want to use? How do you plan to differentiate the characters? I like to imagine the character's voice in my head actually saying the phase, or ask myself if Neteyam/Lo'ak would really say this.

For example I did a double POV for the first time, and when researching about it the article said "...you should be able to flip to a random page, read a couple sentences, and know which character is speaking." Which is so true. So I tried to keep that in mind, and focus on the characters development and make their voices more distinct.

I read a Lo'ak one-shot on here and a lot of people (including me) wanted a part two - I'm assuming so we could get some sort of closure/feel better/happy ending. But, the authors intention was to portray him in a dark light - to hurt the reader so to speak. So well-written and I really love their other work, too.

As for smut 👀. I'm honestly still new to this so I'm learning as I go. I love to consume smut so that has definitely helped - seeing other people and what terms and vocabulary they use. Overall, I just try to be very descriptive, so that the reader can really immerse themselves into the scene and feel what their character is supposed to be feeling. I try not to go overboard with the words though, because that can take away from it at times. For example, I wrote about a fight scene with Neteyam and Auzo (in 'with my life') and I kept it short and simple - "He throws a punch to his jaw, knocking him off his feet." type of shit.

I also do some research (lool thought I was done with the research life). My google searches are riddled with "synonym for..." "how to describe [this action] in writing". No shame in doing your research. There are a few blogs on this site that actually help out in regards to basic knowledge of coitus, cunnilingus, fellatio etc. as well as other sites, too! They list descriptive words, alternatives to 'she said' (lool i eat those up), other do's and don'ts.

And of course, I do some research about the na'vi. I try to make it somewhat realistic, especially with the fic I posted 'with my life' (longest one to date). I did some deep digging on their website about the 'first blood' ritual, and just other simple information about the flora and fauna of the planet.

This is my favourite source of information for smut.

Out of all the sources I've read, this is the best one so far. If I'm ever in a stump, or I feel like I need a better fitting word - I'll refer to this. This author also includes some really good points about sex, down to first times, anal - the whole works.

This is my favourite source of information for avatar.

I hope this helped somewhat and that I was able to answer your question! If you do get into writing, and you do decide to post it, I'd love to read it.

Sorry this is kind of lengthy, I have an issue with overwriting, and overall just talking too much. lmao

~ issy 💜

[sea-buns]

Saw a post earlier of a screenshot about adhd and adderall and being a very specific definition of a successful human being and it just. I don’t know. Just started adderall recently. Like early enough on it that changes are yet to happen. But man. Will never get over going years without a diagnosis or even knowing there’s a problem cuz you’re a kid and the only normal you know is your own. But having to keep up with everyone else’s standards. And then getting diagnosed but like does it really matter? I mean it DOES. The first step to getting help and all that. But it doesn’t change everyone’s expectations. Most of all your own. Cuz the expectations and standards for normal are so imposed on everyone that it’s ingrained in you. And even though you know now that you’re DIFFERENT and that you WILL need help and that’s FINE you still hold yourself to that impossible standard. 

That's just been one of the major struggles for me. To go through the entirety of high school and only realize at the end ON YOUR OWN that “oh maybe it’s not just me”. But it’s like ok then what? A person tells me I’m right after I do all the work on the hardest possible setting my entire life? Worlds not gonna change itself for me. I can’t force my friends and family to come to terms that I’m still gonna neglect responsibilities but now “it’s not my fault actually so you can’t be disappointed or angry”. Pausing in my progression in life cuz last thing I wanna do is go into debt and be unable to pay it back cuz I can’t get up. Can’t dedicate myself to things even if I like them. To people even if I love them.

Coming to terms that YOUR life is allowed to be different. And THAT’S normal. That’s the hardest thing.

#not so much about 'hey this widely known drug could have given me independence and a stable income' #but more like 'i wish something had been done before i grew up with it long enough to feel guilty for something that was never my fault' #i know its hard to catch adhd in kids and teens specifically the hypoactive and inattentive variety #but as someone whos had a good while now to reflect on my own past behaviors that now make way more sense #and the responses of my teachers and peers and family. the ball was dropped somewhere somehow #adhd #actually adhd #adhd problems #adult adhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #executive dysfunction #mental health #sea rambles #vent #kinda? didnt even mention the first place i went to that put my adult ass on a non-stimult and lied about the laws in my state #wasted like 4 months on meds that just made me feel like shit #maybe theres a lesson there about not letting exhaustion and desperation get in the way of quality care lol

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

So I'm a therapist right? I mostly work with teens and adults these days, but I have a few young kids on my caseload, and I've been a case worker for foster youth before with mostly under-12s on my caseload, so school aged kids are an area of special focus for me.

Which is how I found myself trawling my union's school-age-kids current events newsletter this week and stumbling across this little gem of an article.

The article is rightly critical of the school administrators responsible for the sudden spike in kids being barred from school until they're cleared by a licensed clinician. They rightly connect this suddenly flourishing policy as an extension of the history of isolating disabled and high needs kids in rooms that range from horrific to an offensive caricature of a safe space. I actually really appreciate how careful the author was to address the impacts/motovations across the board of these kinds of policies, and think they did a decent job of holding space for the many horrors of how this came about.

I've worked with a lot of other mental health providers, and have even done crisis work like that which districts are proposing parents use to get their kids cleared for return. I've also worked with a lot of school staff and understand just how difficult it can be to meet kids' needs in many schools. There is something so emotionally devastating to me to realize that this is yet another sign of our fracturing education system post-COVID. I've been watching most of the institutions involved in the care and wellbeing of communities (esp children) limp along the road in a desperate effort to keep providing services to the millions who rely on them. I've been marking each critical failure that becomes the new normal in these systems as the confluence of factors that makes up The COVID-19 Pandemic steadily degrades our ability to do our jobs. I've been screaming as loudly as I can in every advocacy setting I am permitted in that we are watching these systems collapse in real time and we absolutely cannot allow it to continue.

It is admittedly extremely hard to do that day in and out while maintaining a sense of optimism but I'm doing my best. We all are.

I'm aware that to many it may not seem like much. And I definitely grant that this mechanism of informal removal/segregation for students isn't new. But the frequency with which it's used definitely is. And sure, it's easy to say things like "see, virtual home destroyed kids mental health they're doing so much worse now" or "schools are so understaffed and overwhelmed that they're no longer capable of managing students' needs" or "well, maybe this wouldn't be as big a problem if it weren't for the fact that 47 out of 40 US states fail to meet the well-being standards of 1 school social worker for every 250 kids" (I need you to understand that this bar is so fucking low that it makes me physically sick, being responsible for 250 students as 1 social worker is absurd to the point of cruelty to the kids and the adults in that situation, and 47 states have WORSE ratios) or even "well, of course it's awful but what are the schools supposed to DO, they can't put other students at risk even if the risk is the result of a systemic and catastrophic failure".

I don't think I have answers on my own honestly, but I do know of at least a few points of intersection that are definitely making this worse.

At least 2.6 million educators have quit their jobs since the start of the pandemic.

Child care workers died during the pandemic at a rate of about 38 per 100,000, educators died at a rate of about 15 per 100,000, and I actually cannot find rates of death among my own profession (within the US at least, I have found statistics for the UK, Canada, Spain, and a bunch of other countries and the fact that mine appears to have simply neglected to track the deaths of my colleagues and friends is sometbing I scream about into my pillow at night) but can tell you anecdotally that my graduating MSW class was down several dozengraduate students to COVID-19 deaths by the time I finished the program. These elevated death rates appear throughout healthcare, education, and essential & service workers broadly.

For many care professions there are quite literally not enough new workers-in-training to replace those lost to death, retirement, or career change related to the pandemic.

Surveys are showing that the mass exodus isn't even over yet, as some report that nearly half of remaining healthcare workers intend to leave their jobs by 2025. If we already don't have enough people coming into the field to replace who we've lost over the past 3 years, I cannot even fathom how we are supposed to replace so many more over the next 3.

A recent policy review from the Economic Policy Institute found that even in times of economic and social comfort, schools are receiving an inadequate amount of funding across the board, meaning they are unable to spare the resources to prepare for periods of economic and social hardship when funding often gets cut back even further.

Care professions are notoriously underpaid, even before the pandemic, and often rife with labor protection exemptions and workplace abuse.

I'm genuinely not trying to be alarmist, but I need people to understand that my colleagues and I are desperately trying to steer a sinking ship. There weren't enough of us to meet demand (and we ran ourselves ragged to only sort of manage it anyway) even before the pandemic massively expanded the need for our services. We died en masse. We got sick en masse. We sacrificed everything until there was nothing left of us en masse. Our systems are collapsing and we can't do anything to stop it unless people start supporting and advocating for us (and by extension for yourselves).

Many workers are considered essential by legal and social definition, and while I always love a good debate about whether and how to overhaul that, the reality is our essential systems are disintegrating under the weight of decades of popicy failure and 3 years of psychological (and physical) torture. If we don't DO something, these systems will fail altogether.

I'm not in the business of trying to predict exactly how long that will take but. Looking around myself? I think it'll be sooner than any of us would like. I'm tired. And I'm a relative infant in my career at only 7 years of service. I don't even qualify for profession-based student loan forgiveness yet (yet another factor making this worse: many of us are tens of thousands if jot hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for our undergraduate and professional/technical degrees). I help mentor and supervise the interns at my practice, and I can't tell you how many zoom calls I've sat through comforting someone sobbing their way through a breakdown and on the verge of walking away forever. I can't bear it, reassuring these kind, wonderful people that they CAN do this, that it gets easier with time, that "we all hit a wall around this time in school and you've been through so much, I'm so proud of you". I can't keep telling these newbies that they can and should put themselves through this because we need them so desperately, they deserve better.

I've lost the plot of my own post and am just drowning in grief now. Grief for my colleagues, grief for my patients and clients and everyone who needs our services. Grief for the work that I love and how it is changing in ways that threaten all the progress so many of us spend every day fighting for.

I have sat in rooms with congress people and demanded to know where the funding was on all their fucking bullshit legislation creating commities and implementing new demands on workers when we already can't meet the existing ones. I have screamed at union meetings about caseload/care ratios and the constant overtime shifts. I have stared wealthy CEOs in the face and informed them that they either need to hire more staff, up our pay, or refine our job descriptions because the current status quo is killing their staff.

I need people to see that we are hurtling towards a point of no return and help us. All of us. Every new report about services cutting corners and riding the grey space of legal versus ethical is a canary in the coal mine, and pretty soon the air is going to be too toxic to breathe.

Anyway, if you have no idea where to start learning about/advocating around these issues, most professional oversight organizations have a policy and advocacy section on thejr websites where they talk about that. Mine, NASW, can be found here. Most of our professions also have industry-specific unions, and they'll have similar pages on their sites. If you have the bandwidth and inclination, please please PLEASE, start familiarizing yourself with the work being done to protect us and you and all of our access to essential services and care. And if you have someone in your life who's an educator, a direct care worker, a healthcare worker, etc, maybe give them a hug and tell them you love them and find out if there is any daily life busy work you could take care of for them so they can have just a little more time to rest in their day.

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

The great regular sleep experiment 2024 part "haunted"

So, I slept from 10:30 ish am to 2 ish pm... I laid there a while trying to sleep more before giving up and checking the clock and seeing 2:45, The length of time I was laying there felt like an hour or two, so I am assuming I slept till 2, probably, but hat might be generous.

In general I seem cursed to sleeping 6 hours per day or less.

The other really annoying thing is that the last time I was this sleep deprived and this stuck on a firm schedule, I was in my early 20's, working at a call center and living with the guy I refer to as my ex husband.

... Which means I keep having dreams that we're reconnecting and having conversations about maybe getting back together and I DO NOT care for it.

That was the one relationship I had were I was never harassed for sex when I didn't want it, and didn't have to deal with little tantrums or displays when I didn't feel like being affectionate or visiting, and don't get me wrong, he's -overall- genuinely a sweet guy.

But I always got the distinct sense that he didn't even like me as a person, and was just there so I would support him and he could avoid his abusive grandmother and uncle. I tried to talk to him about things and take him at his word, but he always seemed so depressed and shut down in a way that read as guilt or shame to me. He never seemed to enjoy talking to me, or spending time with me, and he certainly didn't want sex, at least with me, even by my standards which is to occasionally entertain it as a thing you can do with someone that feels good if you're both in the mood.

I always, once I stopped believing what he was telling me about how he felt, wrote him off as not meaning to take advantage of me, and as feeling really guilty about it, to the point of being paralyzed and kind of stuck, or not even conscious of it... Which is why I broke up with him even when that meant losing my home, which was a one bedroom apartment with 525$ inclusive rent [curses T~T]...

But the thing is, I keep becoming aware in the dreams, stuck as a part of my psyche that has been dormant a long time when I am awake, someone who doesn't remember everything that happened since high school and 'her' early 20s. I keep becoming aware of myself as I am now and starting to ask the uncomfortable questions that come up whenever I look back on everything from my perspective now.

I would have a very hard time -these days- watching someone lie daily about wanting to be in a relationship with me, only to act miserable, avoid me, criticize me constantly, shut down in most conversations with me, act so miserable around me but so happy around everyone else that all our mutual friends assume I must be doing something to upset him, and who just lets his family shit-talk me to my face about being 'lazy' without saying anything to defend the fact that I work 10 hour shifts to support him while he sits at home and plays games all day... I would have a hard time watching that and not seeing it as being done -to some significant degree- on purpose, or at least while consciously aware that's what he was doing. Maybe I'm just a suspicious person now, or maybe it's the experience of people talking.

And I cannot stress enough that I never "nagged" him. I didn't express anything unreasonable like a guilt trip. I was on eggshells trying to be careful how I brought up him video-gaming all day and doing nothing to clean up or pitch in while I worked a full time high stress job. I always put things as gently as possible, tried and failed to set boundaries, made occasional, calm and conversational requests that he at least keep the house clean or learn to cook, or at least go back to high school before he couldn't anymore, if he wasn't going to get a job. If he could tell I was upset and that he was unfairly burdening me when he didn't have to, or that it was destroying my health, those were his own observations and judgements. I was WAY too gentle with him. I felt bad asking him for anything at the time, too much so to try to demand he stand up to unfair accusations about me and actually tell people I was footing all the work/chores and financial burden of two people.

It wasn't until about 3 years in when I seemed ready to kick him out that he went back to school and made local friends.

And that's when I started to see it. I started to understand why our mutual friends thought I was "hen pecking" him or maybe being verbally abusive in private? He'd go back to his old cheery but shy self around other people. He'd bring a friend from school to visit once and they'd be nice to my face but avoid me forevermore. He'd hang out with me and my old girlfriend and even though they both regularly shamed me for things like speaking too loudly in public... They'd get distracted and caught up and start loudly play fighting around the food court in the mall. They were BOTH only afraid of attracting the attention of strangers when they were being seen with me.

If I had my life experiences as of now, back then, and having lived with fine and GB myself [who coincidentally were his two friends from school, even though GB tried to lie to me about it and "bunny" we'll call him, wouldn't dignify my messages with an answer to confirm... and I swear I couldn't have known it was them it was their other two roommates who interviewed me and got me in there]... As of today -if I had to take a shot in the dark- I'd say he was cheating on me with Fine at the time, or at least that part of her bitchy animosity towards me, despite claiming to want to be my friend, has to do with my ex-husband being her type entirely and him not -quite- cheating on me. Or maybe guilt and a sense of obligation to make nice because he did.

If he had've just answered my message and told me honestly what his relationship was like with these two, about 6 years ago, long after he was out of my life and theirs, or that GB was the guy who was a complete bitch to me the whole time out of jealousy over Bunny 'getting to date someone like [me]' [by his own admission, look I'm face-blind okay?]... He could have saved me so much fucking trouble. I would have known I couldn't trust Fine to be honest with me about anything from the start [and that she'd start taking attached men home to fuck all the time], and GB never would have raped me, and I never would have been in the position I was in when the plague hit or when we got evicted.

But any time I had asked ANY of them about what was going on back then, they all just clam up and get avoidant or lie [tic tacs too if she ever knew him, which seems likely because she's been friends with the other two since gradeschool, absolutely would not admit to knowing anything about the situation even while cozy-ing up to me], so I am probably never going to get answers about any of it.

Unless my ex has the decency to fucking answer me and be honest about it all. That's the only way I get closure on just how badly the other three lied to and manipulated me. Or any of them. IG if any of the 4 come forward I have my answers about the other 3.

...So in the dream I do what I would do now, once I become aware as one of my current selves, or a sum of them, I ask him shit like whether he was cheating one me, ect...

And in the dreams he says 'no' but I can tell he's lying, at least in the dreams, I can parse what part of his responses are genuine and which ones are an act to cover some deep shame or guilt. And all in all it seems a little more clear that he was more conscious of what he was doing than I had ever given him credit for. Maybe that's my being cynical now.

But these are just dreams, they are never going to be a reliable account and they are never going to give me real closure.

So in effect, every other night or so I am just wasting about 3 hours of sleep talking to someone I don't even want to be talking to, trying to get answers that will never mean anything. I don't want to be doing that.

I want to be building a consistent dream relationship with someone I LIKE and can TRUST

The other half of the time I dream about being friends with youtubers because their faces and voice are the only ones familiar to me and -at least physiologically- I am desperately lonely. My nervous system knows I need human contact and is trying to invent it for me. Which is leading to the other most socially awkward dreams I could possibly have. I need to feed my brain what Piccolo dbz would look and sound like irl, and not animated, so my brain can attach to him, or my imaginary girlfriend instead. The youtubers thing is very para-social, it's always someone new, so no weird fixations, but I'm not sure it's healthy compared to alternatives... Better than my exs and ex friends though fr.

I have finally regressed through most of my shitty ex's to finally be unpacking the fact that I want to demand fucking answers from my ex husband... Which I ALREADY KNEW... I didn't fucking need my dreams to tell me that! I have messaged him at least twice begging him to just tell me who's lying to me... Which I hope means I'll never dream about the others again. But I still do not care for it and I want it to stop. That was shoved in a box because there's nothing I can reasonable DO about it. The ball is NOT in my court.

Send THEM dreams compelling them to be honest with ME ffs... [please]

Maybe if I reach out to him for answers I could make the dreams go away, but the last time I sent him a message asking for some clarification, he just never answered me.

These people have been haunting my life since my first apartment and I want them excised. I want closure on how full of bullshit they all were so I can improve my ability to read people socially -with feedback- in a way that seems essential to keeping myself safe from ending up in the same shitty situations on repeat... So I can get my unconscious mind to let got of that mystery and let me fucking sleep.

I also want fucking closure from my family and am -also- not getting that. I want closure from my ex girlfriend and I am not getting that.

I only ever wanted honesty so I could make my own informed choices.

So I would rather it not drag up dead versions of me and make me relive these times every night when I am trying to sleep more than 3 hours.

... Also had a dream with a haunted doll, unrelated, that had to do with men showing up in my living space and a woman forcing me to justify why I should keep getting to live there... Can't say I cared for that either... The haunted doll was good though, she was helping me prevent children committing suicide, so... The literal hunted doll was not the problem... Best part of the dreams really, other than being friends with Sabrina and Abigail of youtube [we were discussing their recent unemployment???].

Anyway, my point being, by putting myself back into the same sleep deprived state of my 20's I have ended up slamming part of my brain back into those memories, only instead of getting that part of my psyche back, she's still dead, and now I am haunted by endless social betrayal when I am trying to fuggen sleep.

And I don't know how to fix it.

Because at this point I can't sleep outside the sleep times if I try, no matter how sore and exhausted, and no matter how much I desperately need more than 6 hours.

I could never had predicted this experiment would go this badly. I had though that -at worst- I just wouldn't be able to stay awake to maintain the schedule.

I never should have started this.

I knew this was bad road.

I just didn't know how bad.

If I could sleep an extra 2-4 hours daily and not dream about people who aren't in my life anymore for a fucking reason... This would be fine. Successful even.

The problem is that regular sleep for me is this double edged blade.

I also think I forgot to mention trying to find a phosphorus supplement at walloworld, but they didn't seem to have any and I am still pretty sure coke is cheaper and that one can of coke on most days can't possibly have enough phosphorus in it to overdose.

Unfortunately, the atp theory panning out, in practice [still unconfirmed with blood work or anything but getting results??], for me means only that I am unusually productive for someone this sleep deprived and that is NOT A GOOD THING, I fear, because I keep injuring myself.

It's a lot like being VERY drunk but having so much more energy than I should for someone this sore, uncoordinated, and drunk... Not a great combo. Bad road.

At least my dishes are done and I keep feeding myself?

The cuts bruises, pulled muscles, and missing skin sure hurt a lot though...

#the great regular sleep experiment of 2024 #answer me bitch

[abdulraveman]

Ryo Nishikido's renewed thoughts on the existence of 'family' .

It's been four years since you appeared in a TV drama - has your enthusiasm or feelings for acting changed?

Nishikido: No, no, not at all, sorry (laughs). I am just doing the best I can at the moment. I am not overexcited by it. As soon as I read the script, I immediately said, "If it's okay with you, I'd be happy to do it.”

This ...... is not to say that there is anything "good" or "bad" about it, but perhaps I was attracted to the realistic depiction of family relationships in this work, unlike many recent dramas that have "impossible" or slightly bizarre settings.

The main character, Kishimoto's family, has a series of difficult events happening one after another. It is "impossible" in that sense, but it is also based on a true story by Nami Kishida. I myself am looking forward to the broadcast to see how it will turn out as a drama from that original story.

The film is set in Kobe and the characters' interactions are in the Kansai dialect. Nishikido-san was the only one in the Kishimoto family who was a 'Kansai native'.

Nishikido: Yeah, that's right. I think that people who are not from the Kansai region must be under a lot of pressure to speak Kansai-ben, because they are sometimes told, "This is not Kansai-ben! I think everyone must be under a lot of pressure. It was impressive to see Maki Sakai practicing over and over again on set. Everyone was very good at it, but I was especially surprised at how natural Yumi Kawai's Kansai dialect was. At first I wondered if Kawai-san was from the Kansai region, since she spoke in the Kansai dialect quite naturally during filming.

Dialect and intonation are difficult, aren't they? Even now, when I have to perform in so-called standard Japanese, I sometimes get corrected, and when I go back to my hometown, my friends say, "You mixed up your accents” (laughs).

-More homesick than rebellious-

In this film, Kosuke Kishimoto, played by Nishikido-san, is shown to be disagreeable towards his rebellious daughter Nanami, and the film depicts the parent-child relationship at a difficult time. Did Nishikido-san have a rebellious period like Nanami's?

Nishikido: Hmmm... I don't think there was any kind of defiance that can be considered a rebellious phase. I think I had a rebellious period when I said to my mother, "I want to eat this," and when it was not served at dinner, I sulked, "What the heck!” I think I was just a little sulky (laughs). I have never been in anything that could be called a fight.

Since I was about 13 years old, I was also working in Tokyo, so I spent a lot of time living in hotels and I think I spent less time with my family than most people. I was rather homesick at that time and maybe I didn't have time to rebel.

In playing the role of the father, did you recall any episodes from your own family?

Nishikido: There is a scene where the family goes out to various places in the car, and I remembered that my family used to drive when we went on trips.

Back then, child seats were not yet mandatory like they are now, so we would fold down the back seat of the one-box car and relax with my brothers and sister on the futon spread out on the floor.

-I paid my own high school tuition.-Are there any memorable words your father said to you?

Nishikido: When I was 15 or 16 years old, my father used to tell me, "You’d better at least study (stay in school)”. My father was also a junior high school graduate, so I guess he wanted his children to be educated. I can say this now, but at the time I was crazy about skateboarding, so there was no way those words would have made sense to me (laughs).

I went on to high school, but I couldn't go to a public school, but I managed to just make it into a private school. My father told me, "If you go to private school, pay for it yourself!" So I paid my own tuition out of the money I earned without questioning it.

In the end, I went to high school for only one year and dropped out, but by the time I was 18 years old, I began to understand the meaning of my father's words.

Should you have studied/stayed in school?

Nishikido: Studying at school is like working hard toward a single goal, isn't it? It is said that being "smart enough to study" is not the same as being "smart enough as a human being" to live, but I think studying, whether for test scores or entrance exams, is an opportunity to learn "how to work hard" to achieve a goal.

In the end, I started working seriously in the entertainment business after I left high school, so I guess I learned that through my work, but I still remember my father's words, “You’d better at least study (stay in school)”

-There is no 'right' form for families and couples.-

In the past, Mr Nishikido has played the role of a father in a number of projects, such as Inu wo Kau to Iu Koto - Sky and My Family for 180 Days and Zenkai Girl. You also have a Netflix drama "Let's Get Divorced," about a couple getting divorced, coming out soon, and you have appeared in many films with family and marital themes. Do you find it easy to gravitate toward films that focus on family and marital bonds?

Nishikido: I never really thought about it, but now I realize that there are many different forms of families and couples, and there is no "right" answer. I myself am single, but I am not in a hurry at all.

Recently, due to my age, I sometimes receive reports of divorces from friends, but in the end I think that if the person in question is smiling, then that's all that matters.

#nishikido ryo #ryo nishikido #translation #錦戸亮 #Kazokudakara Aishitan Janakute Aishita no ga Kazokudatta

[bigolgay]

hello love! i already read your reply the night you sent it but i was way too tired to string two sentences together and then i got a bit too drunk to answer properly so i’m gonna reply now :) i hope you’re doing alright and you’re having a good day!

without your support it would’ve been a lot harder! you have nooo idea how much i needed some reassuring words last week! (and dog pics! loved the dog pics!) oh he got us burgers from a very fancy burger grill place, like not mcdonald’s kind of stuff but really good ones :) hehe thank you, we had a fun night out :) hmm yeah i do get the concept of self care, it’s just that i don’t really know what i like? maybe i should try and figure that out…or do you have any suggestions for me? i would love that actually, come over!! THIS!! i love taking care of others and it’s so hard for me to take care of myself!

i mean they should be wearing off by now, it’s been three weeks i think, but maybe i’ll just have to talk to my doctor again :// me neither, the first two night in a new place are always the worst for me at least…i hope you got some well deserved rest! mhm yeah, it’s kinda sad. especially when you think about the fact that you’re stuck with yourself forever and the people you put all your love into are not guaranteed to stick around you know? like why wouldn’t i put more effort into the one person i know is gonna be here forever? and what you said totally made sense! i struggle with the high standards i set for myself a lot just because i feel like there’s no way i’ll ever be happy with myself, no matter what i do :/ but then at the same time i think the standards i set for myself prevent me from being an asshole haha :) anyways! oh i get that haha, i have punched a few people (accidentally!!!) that just snuck up on me and touched my shoulder or something :)) hehe yes i remember! with the right people i’m a very touchy and clingy person as well, i just have to give them the mental “okay” i think haha :) well, if you’re down? i’d be alright with it hehe ;)

hmmm okay, just let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it a little easier for you ;)

yeah, i wish we as a society would just get a little more comfortable around “uncomfortable” emotions…but i suppose that’s not gonna happen anytime soon :/ yes i agree! especially if you’re an ugly crier like me haha, it’s not a pretty sight to see :) i’m very glad to hear i’m not alone in feeling that way haha, i always thought it’s sort of weird haha… no you’re right, if it works it doesn’t matter! after you said that i thought about a few situations i’ve been in that i thought we’re super embarrassing…but really they weren’t! because if they happened to someone else i know i wouldn’t care for a second haha, very useful strategy you taught me!! doesn’t matter whether you know the word or not, i understand what you were trying to say! umm okay, i’m sorry! i didn’t mean to make you tear up *wipes your tears* it’s just something i do i guess? yeah i understand, sometimes i feel like that as well and then the only thing that helps is hearing everything is still alright.

well, in that case i’ll go with the standard shipping option, next day delivery would be nice but i don’t think that’s gonna work out financially for me :) very generous return policy, although i don’t think i’ll need it ;)

high school p.e. was the worst!! very weird concept to just force kids to exercise in front of their 30 classmates haha :’) i’ve never heard of netball before and i suppose that’s a good thing? i mean that sounds like a nice way to spend a p.e. lesson! when you forgot your stuff at my school you had to wear the clothes your teacher handed you (because they had like backup shirts and shorts lying around??) or you good a bad grade and that was NOT cool haha :// it IS the exact opposite of what you should do!!! please don’t stare and move on if someone’s taking care of the person who passed out! but also i understand that it’s difficult for one teacher to manage 30 other kids while i’m on the ground not feeling well. OOOHHH JUST REMEMBERED AWKWARD THING I BURIED DEEP IN MY BRAIN! i had to do physical therapy for an injury once and the lady asked me to lay down on my back on this table thing (which was weird enough already because you know, laying down in front of people is super embarrassing) and being the IDIOT that i am i laid down on my STOMACH, THEN REALISED I WAS WRONG AND HAD TO SHUFFLE AROUND ON THIS TABLE THING TO LAY ON MY BACK ALL WHILE THE WOMAN WAS WATCHING ME!!!!!! i must’ve looked like a stranded whale trying to get back into the ocean haha…anyways! i hope you had fun reliving embarrassing memories with me :) if you have a list please tell me more haha, i’d love to hear more :) and that’s the exact reason why i’m not using umbrellas anymore! not making a fool out of myself like that again in public! (i have limited options in visualising what i’m trying to say so using this (— and this )— was my best bet haha, i’m glad it entertained you a bit)

well, no need to worry! you’re doing amazing! awww that’s very sweet of you to say! i mean most of the mean stuff my brain says to me just stays inside my head but sometimes it gets…a bit much…and that makes it very hard not to believe myself you know? but now i’ll just tell you so you can say it’s not true! :)

Hello, am back from coffee (and shopping😑) now. Warning: I have had an awful headache for like… 2 days now, and waking up with one has put me in a foul mood, but I’m hoping answering this will cheer me up. (I’ve been adding to this throughout the day but my head has stayed consistent in it wanting to murder me, so I’m so sorry it’s come to you so late🤦).

I’m so glad I helped, but please make sure you’re giving yourself enough credit darling (I am always equipped with dog pics, so many dog pics… and cat pics…). Mmmmm yum! Uhhhh suggestions…… um okay so what I tend to do is play on the xbox, playing games and stuff is a good way to unwind. Uhhh I guess in a way sometimes I nap as self care? I’ve never been super into going on a walk to unwind (because where I live isn’t particularly an unwinding walking place🤣) but I think that’s a popular one. I dunno, it’s just whatever you want to do. Not anything you need to do, but you want to. I think at the very least once a week people should do one activity that is not done in the name of productivity or for any particular goal other than “I want to do this, so I’m doing it.” But it can be literally anything. Idk what you’re into, but if you’re artsy then you could draw or make something, or if you really love music then you can listen to music or sing to music or dance to music, as long as you’re not doing anything productive alongside it. It could be anyyyyyything. Also I’m running out of ideas now🤣. I’ll literally be there in a heartbeat, I love taking care of people, it’s one of the few things I’m really genuinely good at. And it would be my pleasure to come and take care of you🫶🏼.

Aww nooo, I really hope side effects are wearing off now and you don’t have to talk to the doctor again☹️. YES, we have ourselves forever and that’s for certain. For as long as I live, this body will be with me, so why place more worth in others than me? Why are other people so easy to love and myself so much harder? It’s gotta be one of the saddest things about humans. And I feel like with our standards for ourselves… there’s gotta be a balance to it but it’s so hard to get it right🤦. I remember when I first started working at the pub I used to work at and before people knew me I was constantly jerking away from people when they’d pass me and do that thing where they like… touch you to move you? Like a hand on the arm or the shoulder? Ugh it was awful for weeks. But then people caught on to that I didn’t wanna be touched and also I got closer with them so it wasn’t so bad as well. That makes sense, like… must be pretty hard to be touchy with people you barely know? I dunno, makes me uncomfy thinking about it sort of🤣. Well of course I’m down🙄nap date with such an adorable sweetheart? Who could turn that down? (Answer: not me!)

Oh don’t worry, I will😉I’ll have to have you make it up to me somehow…

I agree (hello. I fell asleep about here for an hour. So if the tone or whatever changed, that’s why🤣). Uncomfortable emotions aren’t always bad, at least not always in the long term. There’s a discomfort in so many things that end up being good in the end. I dunno, I think if people go through life avoiding every scenario where there’s a possibility of discomfort or pain then they’re gonna miss out on a lot of brilliant moments. Like some of my best moments involved taking a chance and being scared, or doing something that I feel is embarrassing or doing something I know will hurt, but in the end will benefit me. And the truth of it is, you can’t avoid uncomfortability. It’s gonna happen. So why not just accept it’s gonna suck big time for a while and hope that it’ll come out all okay in the end? And maybe make the best of the discomfort if you can? Fun things are usually scary, imagine how much fun would be missed if people took the discomfort as a sign to not do it🤷. I’m glad my strategy has helped you see that they weren’t actually embarrassing then!! We shouldn’t be embarrassed simply for existing and doing normal people things and sometimes you just need to see it from an outside perspective😌. Don’t apologise😭you’re so fine. That’s just the sweetest thing I’ve heard and ahhhh you’re awesome. I’m glad I’m not alone then🫶🏼I always feel super bad about having to ask if people hate me yet🤣

Hmmmmmm, now… you can’t go telling anyone this… it’s our secret. But there’s a super secret sweetie discount, it’ll give you next day delivery for the grand total of… free!!! But again, our secret. Not just anyone gets the super secret sweetie discount😉. Well aren’t you a little flatterer? Well the return policy is always there just in case anyway😌

OMG AGREED. So weird. I almost never did p.e in school, I hated getting changed in the changing rooms so I’d either take the detention or I’d try and lie and say I can’t do it because I had an injury (this one… admittedly didn’t work often because I’m… not a great liar😑). THEY GAVE YOU CLOTHES TO WEAR??? You poor poor soul😬that’s awful. P.e is bad enough in your own clothes, but in random clothes they hand you??? Nuh uh. Hate that actually🤣. I feel like it’s just… common sense and common courtesy? Like the person passed out is in a very vulnerable situation, so mind your own business?? Idk people are kind of dumb sometimes… and too nosy. HAHA OH NO. THATS SO EMBARRASSING. But again it’s one of those things that shouldn’t be??? Because like… maybe it’s a bit awkward, but not embarrassing necessarily? And I’d say you probably looked like a human turning over from being on their front to being on their back… unless you’re secretly a shapeshifter and forgot to mention it to me? Anyway, of course, here’s some more things that feel embarrassing that aren’t: when you’re walking up a hill or stairs and are out of breath and there’s someone near you and you hold your breath so they don’t know that you are struggling. Why is breathing heavily when you’re doing something physically exerting so embarrassing? It shouldn’t be. Oh when your shoes or a chair you’re moving squeaks really loud. Omg walking across a zebra crossing or crossing the road at a traffic light??? Like why am I suddenly compelled to give an awkward smile and go into that weird half walk half jog thing?? When you go into a shop looking for one thing and then it not having that thing and then having to leave the shop empty handed? That’s embarrassing, dunno why, just is. Also I’m always scared I’m gonna be accused of stealing stuff. Throwing stuff in the bin if you’re in the middle of a lesson? Lifts (elevators) with other people. OMG WHEN YOUR MOUTH/THROAT/STOMACH MAKES AN AUDIBLE NOISE THAT OTHERS CAN HEAR😃and then the awkward explanation being like “woah my throat made a weird sound ha… haha… yeah…” and then realising that no one really took any notice anyway🫣. Sneezing in public is always the worst. Scratching an itch anywhere on your body in public. I have this weird thing with how I’m standing? Like… I can’t stand too still because A: I feel like a weird robot or statue, and B: I can’t sit still for the life of me anyway. But I also feel super embarrassed if I move too much? So basically just standing anywhere is embarrassing for me. Also I forget how to position my arms when I’m standing and I don’t have pockets. WHERE DO THEY GO??? Because my go to is to have my arms crossed, but I’m scared that makes me look like an asshole. Anyway, that’s all for now, hope you enjoyed! It was very clever hehe

Thank you darling🥹. I understand, brains can be very convincing at times, but yes, please do come to me and let me know if your brain is telling you mean things. I’ll gladly tell you that it’s lying to you❤️

#okay #wow I’m sorry #I started this at like… 1 when I got back from coffee and shopping #and my head was killing me #and then I napped for an hour #and then I woke up and somehow my head was worse??? #so I drank some water and took some meds and went and laid in a dark room #and ended up falling asleep for like… 3 hours? #then I was woken up because dinner needed to be eaten🙄 #and then I finished doing this #and somehow one singular reply took me… 6 hours???? #so yeah #that’s the explanation #I hope you’ve had a good day sweetheart🫶🏼 #a sweetheart has stumbled into my asks!

[fauxkaren]

Melancholia - 10/10

You know, most of the time when I'm into a drama, I cannot WAIT to start the next episode. But with this one, I actually found myself hesitant to start the next episode just because I wanted to prolong the experience of watching. I didn't want it to be over! This was recently added to Netflix and since I really enjoy Lee Do-hyun as an actor, I thought I should give this drama a watch. Excellent decision making on my part.

As I was watching, I kept thinking about the BTS song "Black Swan", a song about the fear of losing the love for what you're passionate about. (This song also references a quote by dancer Martha Graham - "A dancer dies twice—once when they stop dancing, and this first death is more painful.") Melancholia is at its strongest when its exploring that idea. In this instance, that passion is... math. Which sounds lame! But it's not!! These math dorks see such art and beauty in mathematics that it almost convinced me that math is cool. At different points in the story, each of the leads has lost that love for math and there's a light behind their eyes that has disappeared. When the show is dealing with these themes, there's a very contemplative mood (helped out by the soundtrack and camera direction) that I really vibed with. The show does also deal with some more standard K-drama storylines, like corruption among the elite and at times it has the feel of a revenge drama. But it was the quieter moments that made this drama stand out to me and make it an immediate favorite.

The show starts with the male lead, Seung-yoo, a high school student at an elite school who was a math prodigy as a child but after a traumatic experience, he's turned his back on math. A new teacher at his school, Yoon-su, recognizes the unique math-y way he views the world and reignites his love for math. Working together to prepare for the Math Olympics, they grow close and he develops a crush on her (and I would def say Yoon-su does a poor job of setting boundaries, but it's not an actual romance). When Yoon-su tries to expose corruption and cheating within the school, the school's director accuses Yoon-su of having an inappropriate relationship with Seung-yoo, destroying Yoon-su's life and successfully covering up the corruption. When Seung-yoo and Yoon-su meet again 4 years later, will they be able to expose the truth of what happened all those years ago and take down the people in power whose corruption is poisoning the system?

My one criticism is that in the last few episodes, I think the show spent a lot of time on the corruption take down and while that was fine and needed... I found myself wishing we were getting more insight into the feelings and inner lives of the leads. I wanted to know where their heads were at in those moments and what they were thinking about. What did they want for their lives and their future? What were their feelings about each other in those moments?

In spite of that minor complaint, I absolutely adored this show and it's been added to my list of favorites. I 100% will be rewatching. Maybe not right away because I want to sit with it for a bit. But I will absolutely be rewatching at some point in the future.

#karen watches kdramas #melancholia

[fairypoet73]

I get the whole "no kinkshaming" thing since it's Kinktober, but like, aren't you giving a pass to MAPs and Rapists by saying that?

Valid question, valid concern, so let me clarify. The important thing to remember is that I also said that I do not condone these actions irl. In fiction you can do anything you want and nobody gets hurt, that's fine, because again, nobody gets hurt. The second you take that out of fiction though is where we have our problem.

If you want to prey on actual real life children or watch actual child pornography, you don't have an age kink, you're a pedophile. If you want to actually rape someone, you don't have a non-con kink, you're a rapist. If you wanna fuck a vaporeon, that means you have a kink. If you try to fuck your actual real life dog that makes you a zoophile.

So I'll say it again, JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING IN A FICTIONAL SETTING, DOESN'T MEAN THEY WANT TO DO IT IRL. In fact, every person I know who has a thing for sexy Pokemon is disgusted at the idea of having sex with an animal irl. Most people are able to discern reality from fiction and understand that what you do in fiction has no weight in the real world.

On top of that, it's been proven time and time again that fiction about certain things can actually help reduce a person's willingness to do that thing irl. Here's an example I learned in high school (or maybe middle school). In ancient Athens, they held public plays every once in a while, specifically tragedies that were filled with lots and LOTS of murder. They did this because they believed that it would help work as a way to help the populous vent their violent thoughts and desires, or provide some catharsis to someone having those thoughts, and it actually worked. The rates of violent crimes dropped significantly after the public showings of these tragedies.

Last big point is that the majority of kinks come from trauma. Lots of people with non-con kinks were victims of non-consensual sexual activities. Lots of people with incest kinks have really abusive families. Lots of people with age kinks were sexually abused as children. Using fiction to explore these kinks can, and often is, very therapeutic. I can speak from experience on that myself, though I would prefer to refrain from talking about many of my kinks and trauma publicly, so please do not ask.

The whole idea that if you consume certain types of fiction they will infect your brain and turn you into a monster is a very conservative puritan idea that Christians have harshly forced into the mainstream. While there are some examples of fiction doing that, there are just as many examples proving the opposite. Both can be true, just because they contradict doesn't mean they both can't be true. It's an issue with nuance, like pretty much every other issue in the world, that we should try to judge on a case-by-case basis. Not everyone who reads a Sherlock Holmes book is a murderer. Not everyone who reads WWII historical fiction novels is a Nazi. Those two things are obvious. So why do we have this double standard when it comes to adult fiction?

I give no passes to MAPs and Rapists, because they don't deserve a pass. I simply want to curate a safe space where people can feel like they can experiment with certain aspects of their sexuality without hurting anyone else that they may not be able to in most other spaces.

#kinktober #kinktober 2023 #ask the writer #media literacy #people really need to stop making assumptions about people's morals based on the fiction they consume #that is like one of the worst metrics to judge someone ethically