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constellaj · 3 years

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just ran into your art today and. would you like to elaborate on your gay lucky in love rewrite 👀

boy would i

as always shoutouts to @crystalfloe for pitching + workshopping w me on this, ESPECIALLY on this one since it was mostly her idea!

we open up with a shot of shadow circling through amity park, looking in the windows of various citizens. danny is face-down, fast asleep; valerie is repairing some gear; tucker is being a gamer; sam is watching a horror movie; paulina is also watching a horror movie. shadow passes by all these houses and gets more and more annoyed, until he peeks the window of a large, elaborate house:

dash has drawn the curtains, turned the lights off, turned a fan up. this is his deep dark secret. he’s sitting on his bed, face lit by the dim rose glow of his laptop. the volume is turned down so low but the viewer still sees and hears him whisper along to the movie: “but we could never be together, jessica...” “but... I love you...” he’s watching a HORRIBLY cheesy hallmark romcom.

but of course nobody can KNOW he’s into chickflicks and romcoms! he’s a tough football man and it would trash his rep if anyone knew he secretly craved those deep but silly romantic stories... the tenderness, the love...

shadow has specifically been looking for a romantic.

shadow slips in and ‘possesses’ dash. possesses in quotes, because, well, even though dash is dumb and therefore easy to possess, shadow is ultimately a glorified dog, and not a fully sentient ghost; he doesn’t have any total agency in dash, and the most he can do is mess around with his emotional and hormonal balance. shadow is DISMAYED, upon entering, that dash’s deep romanticism is so repressed, and so immediately gets to work digging it out of the recesses of his brain, putting it in the forefront.

(see, what danny and the audience will learn later is, shadow is a ghost that subsists off of love. romantic love especially. he first found a ‘host’ in johnny (before he died!) because johnny and kitty were madly, ridiculously in love, and johnny especially admired kitty beyond words. they still do love each other, of course! but like all healthy relationships, they’ve learned to take breaks, and they have a ‘break week’ once every few months.)

(this, naturally, drives shadow up a WALL; after a certain level, displays of romance become like dog treats, and shadow has been downright spoiled by the overabundance of love between the two. when they take a BREAK WEEK and aren’t constantly showering each other (and therefore him!) with affection, he needs to go find another host, because clearly they do not love him and have forsaken him. they kick miette.)

since shadow’s prime host for so long has been johnny, his understanding of a few... norms... are bleeding over. dash shows up to school with a leather jacket and a motorcycle (his family’s rich, of course he’s had one). his hair is slicked back and the cologne is overpowering. while danny and others think it’s just another asshole stage of dash, kwan (as well as the popular kids, but kwan especially) notices something’s wrong. it’s not quite... dash.

yeah, he’s happy-- well, he’s also strangely flirty with everyone (shadow is testing the waters, trying to find out who is the best match). and kwan LOVES that he’s happy. but he’s a little too daydreamy, he laughs a little too long. he is having horrible luck all day, but he just keeps taking it in stride. dash is concerned with appearances, but this is the first time he’s put in effort like it was for other people to see. he’s a little too suave. his eyes reflect just a little too much light.

and then-- luck of luck-- shadow finds the big name repressed crush.

fenton! of course!

danny did NOT want to deal with dash towering over him and slamming him into the wall, but he didn’t KNOW how to deal with dash leaning over him and telling him he looked cute. danny’s flustered! of course he is! well, yeah, dash is an asshole, he knows that, yeah he’s a stuck up rich kid, YES SAM, he knows this (sam is not fooled by a little hair gel and some high heeled leather boots), but you can’t deny he’s, well, built. and he’s weirdly suave? and nice. he’s actually being really nice. what no of course DANNY hasn’t had a crush on DASH this whole time or anything. shut up.

the fact that dash asks him to meet him in the woods at lunch (because sam, jazz, and even tucker are increasingly concerned with dash just making moves on danny, afraid it’s some new form of abuse; and lancer keeps perceiving it as bullying since that’s their dynamic and breaking it up) and he GOES is just. well. that’s unrelated isn’t it.

they kiss and danny is starting to maybe think dash just had a homophobic middle school experience like everyone else when- his GHOST SENSE GOES OFF. RIGHT HERE? RIGHT NOW??? (gee what could be causing it?) dash cracks a joke about him using too many breath mints and danny panics, bullshits an excuse, and runs off to transform and find the ghost.

dash thinks he’s been rejected and almost shakes out shadow’s possession from the sheer dismay, but shadow doubles down. no, no, we can find another crush. somewhere.

...oh hey! the ghost boy!

time to double down on the ghost aesthetics.

danny’s just finished fighting kitty (”where’s your boyfriend” “that’s none of your BUSINESS!”) when there’s a motorcycle rev underneath him. there’s... dash, again, but.... something feels very, very wrong.

danny lands, cautious. “hey phantom... you into biker dudes?” “don’t you have... a boyfriend...” “heee sorta dumped me in the woods”. and then danny gets close enough for his ghost sense to go off. and it clicks.

“dash, you’re possessed”

this is the ONE THING that shadow can’t have. this could be the perfect romance, and THIS GHOSTCHILD thinks he knows more about ROMANCE than SHADOW??? PSH. cue fight scene! dash of course is grappling with both not wanting to hurt phantom, but wanting this ghost out of his system, because of COURSE he’s possessed geez why else would he want to kiss FENTON of all people-- but shadow REFUSES to leave, slowly building more and more monstrous elements onto dash, darker eyes and claws, erasing his legs until it’s not dash as much as it is a large shadow monstrosity with dash at the center.

danny eventually realizes he needs a new strategy and runs for it. after a decent amount of bickering with sam/tuck, they realize that the only ones who would know how to tame shadow are.... kitty and johnny.

turns out, when shadow went missing, kitty NOTICED. (johnny didn’t! he was having a fun alone time working on his bike with loud music.) this is bad. why? well, johnny is NOT a very powerful ghost. in fact, he’s sort of the opposite. he and shadow have a symbiotic relationship of sorts; it’s shadow’s residence in him that gives him any powers at all, like the basic healing factor a ghost has, or phasing, or flying. without shadow he’s essentially a zombie, who can still be hurt in the ghost zone. NATURALLY, kitty decided to run off and retrieve shadow (because this isn’t the first time he’s run away on break week, always throwing a tantrum) before anything horrible could happen to Johnny; this is what she was doing in Amity in the first place

this is the part of the story where i reveal that the ending isnt fully fleshed out yet. in the rough conversation right it ended up with kitty and johnny trying to FORCE shadow back into johnny, and they’re getting annoyed by it, and kitty goes “well this wouldn’t be a problem if YOU weren’t so LOVING AND SENSITIVE” and johnny goes “well i wouldn’t LOVE YOU so much if you weren’t BRILLIANT and BEAUTIFUL” and they have a whole argument like that. its very funny. and shadow ends up still running away and possessing dash again.

ah, in typing this out, i have figured out an ending!

the above fight and run away happens, and there’s two endings: one where shadow possesses dash, and one where shadow possesses danny. in both, of course, the other party realizes the only way to get shadow out is through making shadow feel safe enough to leave, aka... flooding the room with romance. if dash is possessed, danny and co. realize that danny’s the prime candidate to... be the suave lil boy. if DANNY is possessed, sam and tucker begrudgingly explain that, uh, yeah, phantom might have a crush on you, he’s just really controlling of his emotions. (also kwan! kwan definitely plays a part if dash is possessed, maybe even in saying “uh... he has a bigger crush on Fenton. can you guys get him instead?” and danny. explodes)

blahlbahblah luring shadow out by being gay happens and shadow gets scooped back up by the 13s. as much as the previous argument is funny it might also be very funny if johnny literally noticed none of this, and kitty shows up like ‘you lost this’ and johnny is like. ‘...shadow? when did you leave’. anywho.

that’s the concept! the MAIN difference is that johnny and kitty actually have a very healthy and sweet relationship, and the conflict, ironically, comes from the fact that they love each other TOO much. i do love ‘dash finds out’ reveals but as far as an episodic romp goes, this might not be the best ep for him to discover the secret in. however in a oneshot or something of course you could slot that in there excellently i believe.

#danny phantom #dash baxter #fic #ish... sort of. not really i guess LMAO #ask #dashposting #lucky in love #johnny 13 #kitty 13 #Anonymous #adpRewrite

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mostlymovieswithmax · 3 years

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Movies I watched in March

Thought I’d chronicle the films I’ve been watching over the March period, from the 1st to the 31st, and how I’d rate them. If you’re looking for something to watch, perhaps this will help. A lot of these movies are available on streaming services also.

The Wolf of Wall Street (2013) - 10/10

I hadn’t watched this in a couple of years but I was blown away. Peak Scorsese.

Rushmore (1998) - 7/10

Not the best Wes Anderson movie for me but still fun.

Lion (2016) - 8/10

I discussed this at length on my podcast: The Sunday Movie Marathon. Great movie!

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) - 10/10

Now this is one of the best Wes Anderson movies. I discuss this more on The Sunday Movie Marathon. Fantastic, funny and I watched it twice because it’s so much fun.

Inception (2010) - 10/10

Discussed on The Sunday Movie Marathon. Best Christopher Nolan movie for me, Inception is just breathtaking.

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou (2004) - 5/10

This might be Anderson’s weakest film (at least from what I’ve seen) but it’s still not as bad as a lot of directors at their worst.

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) - 10/10

I was really on an Anderson binge in March. The Royal Tenenbaums is one of the most wholesome movies I’ve seen and certainly one of his best films.

Rome, Open City (1945) - 4/10

This was filmed in Nazi-occupied Italy and from that premise, the film enticed me. Despite having some interesting qualities, I do feel that initial pull is most of what the movie has going for it.

The Prestige (2006) - 7/10

I showed this to my brother and for what it’s worth, he enjoyed it. I do think this is one of Nolan’s weaker efforts but considering how much I like it, that speaks a lot to Nolan’s filmography as a whole.

Nostalgia (1983) - 10/10

I watched Nostalgia three times in the space of a week and reviewed it on The Sunday Movie Marathon. It’s phenomenal.

Kangaroo Jack (2003) - 1/10

Another one I watched for the podcast. Kangaroo Jack is truly terrible and it upset me a great deal. Avoid this movie.

Stalker (1979) - 10/10

Another Andrei Tarkovsky movie (director of Nostalgia). I watched this again during the day before my second watch of Nostalgia and while it’s hard to compare such different movies, I enjoy Stalker more. It’s a staple of Russian cinema for a reason.

Four Lions (2010) - 5/10

Watched for the podcast. I didn’t really gel with this comedy but it would certainly appeal to someone who enjoys the humour, as my co-hosts did.

Revolutionary Road (2008) - 6/10

This Sam Mendes joint was a tad too melodramatic but still boasted some great performances from Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.

Metropolis (1927) - 6/10

This silent film is a staple in cinematic history. Its themes are as painfully relevant today as they were in the 20’s, yet despite that I found a lot of it to be intensely boring. After it hit the hour mark, I started playing it at 1.5x speed.

Crimson Peak (2015) - 4/10

A lot of great set design and costumes and colours, yet the story itself was madly uninteresting.

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind (2004) - 10/10

Who doesn’t love a good movie written by Charlie Kaufman? I reviewed this on The Sunday Movie Marathon and after a third watch, it is as fascinating as it is gut-wrenching.

Godzilla (2014) - 3/10

If you wanted to see Godzilla fight a bunch of monsters for two hours, then this is not the movie for you. There’s maybe about ten minutes total of on-screen Godzilla action and considering that’s really all anyone’s watching this for, it’s amazing the titular sea lizard occupies so little of the movie.

Prisoners (2013) - 10/10

Brilliant mystery thriller by my favourite director, Denis Villeneuve. Discussed on the podcast.

Eraserhead (1977) - 7/10

David Lynch’s debut feature film went down in my estimations this time around. You can listen to why on The Sunday Movie Marathon. Still, Eraserhead is a very good movie.

Raiders of The Lost Ark (1981) - 6/10

The first Indiana Jones movie proved to be a fun romp and Harrison Ford plays the character beautifully. I’m just not a big fan of Spielberg and his average verging on pretty good but rarely ever great movies. Perhaps on a second watch, I may enjoy this more.

The Seventh Seal (1957) - 9/10

Watching this movie again was so much fun. So far, it’s my favourite Ingmar Bergman film. It’s a celebration of life and love, with an underlying sense of dread as death looms ever-present.

Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (1984) - 5/10

I can tell why this generally looked on as the weakest in the trilogy. Harrison Ford is still great but the movie dragged a lot and felt more like a bunch of things happening for the sake of it rather than a fun action/adventure.

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (1989) - 7/10

The Last Crusade was a lot of fun and maybe it was Sean Connery’s inclusion, or perhaps the bottle of wine I drank through the movie elevated my enjoyment. But alcohol aside, I still believe this to be the best in the series.

Justice League (2017) - 2/10

People really weren’t kidding when they said this was bad. I watched this in preparation for the Snyder cut and I was not happy. This took years off my life.

Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021) - 3/10

Barely any better and double the run-time of the original. I discussed this on The Sunday Movie Marathon and I was certainly not impressed. Better luck next time, Zack!

The Truman Show (1998) - 10/10

Brilliant movie and one I would highly recommend for a stellar Jim Carrey performance. This was another recommendation for the podcast.

Eighth Grade (2018) - 7/10

I was impressed with Bo Burnham’s debut feature. This is a coming of age story centred around a young girl growing up in the modern world and how it can affect the youth of today. Burnham shows a deep understanding of youth culture and a real knack for filmmaking.

Bad Education (2019) - 8/10

A real “yikes!” movie. If you want to learn a bit about the embezzlement that took place in an American school back in the early 2000’s, you need not look further than this tight drama with fantastic performances from Hugh Jackman and Allison Janney.

Twelve Monkeys (1995) - 8/10

One of the only movies where the time travel makes sense. I recommended this for The Sunday Movie Marathon and it’s pretty great.

Ready Or Not (2019) - 7/10

Despite a premise that is not wholly original and a super goofy third act, Ready Or Not is gory, violent fun with a lot of stylish art direction.

Dead Man (1995) - 3/10

Recommended on the podcast. I really did not get a lot out of Dead Man. It’s a very slow movie about Johnny Depp going through the woods and killing some people on the way, but it’s two hours long and hugely metaphorical and sadly it just didn’t connect.

Misbehaviour (2020) - 6/10

A big draw for me in Misbehaviour is Keira Knightley; I think she’s a great actor and I’m basically on board with anything she does. I’d been wanting to see this for a while and I was shocked to see just how relevant it is (being set in 1970) to the world we find ourselves in today, where women are still fighting to be heard and to be treated equally. While the film is not spectacular, I still got a lot from its themes, so recently after the murder of Sarah Everard and how women are being treated in their protest.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb (1964) - 7/10

I was surprised at just how hilarious this early Kubrick movie is. While I can’t say it floored me or took any top spots, it’s still a great examination of the military and how they respond to threats or try to solve problems and the side of war we don’t often see in films: the people in the background sitting in a room making crucial decisions.

Taxi Driver (1976) - 10/10

Wow! I can’t believe I’d never seen this before but I’d never really had access to it. Taxi Driver is a beautifully made movie with so much colour and vibrancy. De Niro puts on perhaps his best performance and Paul Schrader’s timeless script works miracles.

Sleepy Hollow (1999) - 5/10

Classic Tim Burton aesthetics in a pretty by the numbers, almost Supernatural-esque story eked out over an hour and forty minutes.

Seaspiracy (2021) - 6/10

Everyone’s going crazy over this documentary and I agree it tackles important issues we’re facing today surrounding the commercialization of the fishing industry, but a lot of what’s presented here is information already available to the public. The editing feels misplaced at times and the tone is all over the place. Nonetheless, it’s still quite fascinating to see good journalism being done in a way that exposes this side of the industry.

Pirates of The Carribean: The Curse of The Black Pearl (2003) - 8/10

Super fun and a great first instalment in a franchise that sadly seems to have peaked at the first hurdle.

My Octopus Teacher (2020) - 8/10

Great cinematography and a lovely premise, this documentary has garnered an Oscar nomination and I can see why.

The Sisters Brothers (2018) - 8/10

A really solid western I was happy to watch again. It’s a shame no one really talks about this movie because it is excellent with stunning visuals and great performances.

Pirates of The Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006) - 5/10

A strangely massive drop in quality from the original. If I didn’t like the whole concept of this franchise so much, I might have had a worse time.

Reservoir Dogs (1992) - 8/10

On a second watch, Tarantino’s first feature is still wildly impressive.

Life of Brian (1979) - 7/10

This is perhaps my third time watching Monty Python’s Life of Brian and it’s still incredibly funny, however it never manages to measure up to its predecessor (and one of my all time favourites), Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

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curiousview-blog · 3 years

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In spite of, not because of: the myth of the ‘high functioning alcoholic’

For 18 weeks now, I have been sharing my writing: ‘How to stop drinking: A guide for normal people’. It’s a series in which I am sharing my reflections on living, and staying sober, in a fun, honest, down-to-earth way to show that an alcohol-free life is possible. Previous chapters can be found below on www.samwarren.net

For a long time I wore my ‘high functioning alcoholic’ badge with pride. It’s a term used in psychology and addiction sciences to refer to heavy drinkers who – as the name suggests – by and large, have functioning lives, and may even be over-achievers. I’d fall into that category for sure. My friends and I romped through our 20s and 30s being very successful, while lurching from drunken adventure to drunken dramas. During my most chaotic drinking years, I raised two teenage boys, achieved a PhD, a string of academic publications, teaching awards and research grants, which culminated in securing a tenured Professorship within five years of graduating from my doctoral studies. Finally, aged 40, I moved to a different part of the country for the first time in my life. No-one could ever accuse me of fitting the pattern of ‘the typical alcoholic’ down-and-out – crashing cars, losing jobs, shoplifting, being homeless and all the other wildly inaccurate assumptions we make about alcoholism.

The new Dr. Warren throwing her hat at graduation (2006)

Lots of my academic friends were/are heavy drinking high achievers, and if you’re reading this as someone who’s questioning their drinking choices, I have no doubt that you’ve also stacked up successes in your life while spending half your life (or more) drunk – career, family, even sports? And this is what stops us from stopping because nothing has got so bad that it gives us a sobering slap in the face. Never mind that all these achievements are marked by extreme pressure, chaos, remedial work, lies and the need to push through debilitating hangovers with violently shaking hands, and heads down toilets… We’re the high functioning gang, right? Hell, we NEED this mess to do our best!

I once got ‘accidentally’ paralytic the night before flying to Dublin to do a research interview. On the audio recording you hear me excuse myself to go to the bathroom to be sick. Later, the taxi had to pull over so I could dry retch into the gutter. High functioning? High functioning shame, more like. Another time, on the night before the first day of term, we had a lock-in at our local pub. It was a Tuesday night. I went out at 10:30pm ‘for one’ with the pool team to share their post-match sandwiches and don’t remember getting home. Somehow I managed to pour myself onto the train after 4 hours sleep max, still drunk, and take my opening class. I was more worried about the fact that I had hairy legs and was wearing a summer dress than I was about the fact that I was about to teach a class whilst intoxicated. I have SO MANY stories of conference benders, two hours sleep and throwing up minutes before I presented important work… crawling into work almost on my hands and knees to teach, or pulling all nighters to make up lost drunk time in the days and weeks before to meet my deadlines. It was addictively exciting. I told myself I loved it.

Art of Management Conference (2004) The night culminated in a tequila bar at 6am. I missed the whole of the next day’s sessions as I was so violently ill. I probably earned kudos for it.

I’m not telling you this to show off my stripes. I’m not recounting these tales as part of the glorification of getting pissed in our society. I’m telling them to myself (as well as you) because I need to remember how unbelievably shit it was. I’m telling them to counter the rosy memories I also carry with me, that in a funny old way I miss those days. It’s what I used to believe made me interesting. Wild and funny. As you’ll read in various ways in these posts, I am a person who enjoys intensity – the rush you get when you pull something off against the odds is incredibly seductive for me. Rather than standing as a clear lesson not to ever do that IDIOTIC thing again, instead my adrenalin pumps and I think FUCK YEAH!!, high five-ing myself and anyone in reaching distance. All I ever remember from that experience is ‘Ha! I can do this, no sweat… Now quick, get the beers in, my hangover is thundering in’…

I still have the same patterns in my life now I’m sober. I’m an accomplished procrastinator and replicating the same kind of frenzied deadline pushing. So its slowly dawned on me that maybe my achievements were in spite of the drink, not because of it. I need the excitement and pressure of having too much to do in a short space of time, and a big lesson from my sobriety has been to see that drink was just a tool of these behavioural traits and not the root cause. If you are the kind of person who puts everything off until it’s almost too late, taking on so much that its humanly impossible to get through your to-do list, or someone who works in erratic bursts of energy interspersed with long naps and faffing time, then you’ll still be this person when you’re not drinking too.

It’s been a while since I wrote these words and my reflex is to feel more than a little sad that over three years later this kind of procrastinating pattern is still happening in my life. Not least because I boldly wrote a post on this blog a few years ago declaring my procrastination habits were gone for good!! But maybe it’s just something about me I need to accept. I am a ‘just in time’ person, and actually I do some fucking brilliant work against the odds. And it was not alcohol that drove the great work, but me. Elizabeth Gilbert talks at length about how much she detests the ‘tortured artist’ stereotype in her book Big Magic – that somehow we have to be anguished, or behave like an utter c*nt to those around us in order for our creativity to fly. I think the idea of the high-functioning alcoholic is very similar and it’s yet another myth that ensures we continue to drink. I did great work, even though I continually put the most debilitating blocks in my own path to see how badly I could trip myself up. And what that taught me was to hurdle and swerve extremely well, I won gold in that race and it’s still paying dividends. This post is a day late because I left it to the last minute to edit. What beautiful synergy.

#alcoholism #alcohol culture #women and alcohol #academia and alcohol #heavy drinking #stop drinking #control drinking #quit alcohol #stop alcohol #addiction #high functioning alcoholic #control alcohol #women's writing #big magic #recovery

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 4 years

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Michael After Midnight: Heavy Metal

Sometimes it’s fun to revisit old movies you watched when you were younger and find out, hey, this is better than you remembered! Sometimes your young mind just wasn’t ready to accept how awesome something was, and you needed time to fully understand what you look for and like about cinema to truly appreciate it. But then, sometimes, you watch something you liked when you were younger, and you realize… wow, this is absolute dog shit!

Such is the case with Heavy Metal. This is a movie I have frequently cited as a low-ranking entry on lists of the finest animated films of all time, and to be entirely fair to the film, it is important in a historical sense, being a cult classic that was passed around through bootlegs because music rights kept it from getting a home video release, and it came out around the dawn of the 80s and kind of destroyed what you would think an animated film was capable of. This film is full of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, and it entirely, unabashedly unashamed of this, for better or for worse.

Now, while I do think the overall film is a bit lacking, it is an anthology film divided into segments, and there are some pretty good ones I will make note of; this is not a film with absolutely no merit. But before that, let me point out the one thing everyone can agree is amazing about this film: the soundtrack. You’ve got Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Stevie Nicks, Devo, Cheap Trick… if nothing else, the kickass soundtrack is worth a listen, though Blue Oyster Cult’s song inclusion irritates me to a great degree. The movie went with “Veteran of the Psychic Wars” for the soundtrack, despite the fact Blue Oyster Cult had a song ready to go that is literally about the final entry in the anthology, called “Vengeance (The Pact).” Why the people compiling the soundtrack made this choice baffles me; it reminds me of how they didn’t use “Jennifer’s Body” in, well, Jennifer’s Body, instead opting for a different Hole song from the same album.

But I digress. Let’s go one by one and touch on the segments:

The framing device is about an entity known as the Loc-Nar, who claims to be the sum of all evil, detailing to a little girl how it has influenced chaos and carnage across time and space. The thing is, though, the Loc-Nar doesn’t come out on top in any of the segments, and its schemes are often thwarted. So the entire movie is basically this supreme evil being detailing to a little girl how much it sucks ass at its one job.

The first segment is Harry Canyon, a story about the eponymous futuristic New York taxi driver. In some regards it reminds me of The Fifth Element, what with a scruffy, slummy, futuristic taxi driver trying to help a smoking hot babe find out the truth and all, but unlike that film, this short is a lot bleaker and gritty. You kinda know what you’re in for when Harry vaporizes a dude who tries to mug him, and if that’s not enough, the female lead of this short literally throws herslef at him, and yes, he gets to take a dive into her Harry Canyon – and you get to see it.

This is a running theme throughout these shorts – almost every female character has huge titties and is sexually promiscuous, throwing themselves at the first penis they see as if it was their job. It’s so incredibly juvenile and tacky as to be laughable, but I guess this comes with the territory considering the magazine this film adapted.

Anyway, the segment is harmless and unremarkable. It’s exactly what you’d expect from this sort of story, without much in the way of twists or turns.

The second segment, Den, is arguably the best segment in the entire film. We have a nerdy kid named Dan who gets transported across space and becomes the musclebound warrior with a huge cock known as Den. Every woman throws herself at him, every villain in his way gets pummeled, and no task is too impossible for this man! And did I mention that he is voiced by John Candy? Really, Candy’s comedic touch is what makes this entire thing feel fun and palatable; it’s a cheesy swords and sorcery romp through and through. Honestly, I don’t have much bad to say about this one, it’s just very silly fun.

Unfortunately we are back to being not great with Captain Sternn. Sternn, played by Eugene Levy (of The Wacky World of Mini Golf fame), is basically an intergalactic war criminal on trial, and when his paid witness Hanover Fiste (played by Rodger “Squidward Tentacles” Bumpass) comes up to the stand, the Loc-Nar influences him to the most evil act possible… betraying this war criminal in front of the judge and jury! GASP! I’m not sure what the Loc-Nar is really trying to do here; you’d think it would maybe want Sternn free to continue spreading wicked influence across the galaxy, but nah, it just makes Squidward hulk out and tries to kill him, only for the tables to be turned and Squidward to be dropped out an airlock, further cementing how utterly useless the Loc-Nar is.

Thankfully, once that’s over, we have yet another very strong segment, another contender for best in show: B-17. This is a genuinely creepy zombie short film, and the zombies are utterly horrifying and grotesque. This is regarded as the most nightmarish part of the film, and for good reason; this shit is certainly worthy of being called “heavy metal.” Honestly, there isn’t much bad to say about this one either, except perhaps that it is over far too soon.

Then we get to what is probably the worst segment: So Beautiful, So Dangerous. The entire segment is sort of meant to be a lighthearted comedic breather between The last segment and the final one, but it just comes off as combining every problem the movie has into one segment: the uselessness of the Loc-Nar, copious and ridiculous sex, drugs, and so on. Really all that’s missing from this is gratuitous violence, but hey, guess you can’t have everything all the time, right? It just comes off as really dull and pointless, and there’s not really anything particularly funny about anything that happens in it, unless of course you’re a thirteen year old who thinks “big boob woman having sex with robot while aliens snort cocaine” is the funniest shit on Earth.

Thankfully, we end on a strong note with Taarna, which is about a proud warrior woman dressed in horrifically impractical armor (and this actually effects the plot, I’m not kidding, somehow there was some self-awareness here) and a cool alien pteradactly flying off to fulfill a vengeful pact after the slaughter of a peaceful race by barbarians mutated by the Loc-Nar, in what may be the Loc-Nar’s sole impressive feat. Taarna is the ultimate hero, giving us the trifecta of qualities a heroine in this movie should have – boobs, butt, and bush... Er, I mean, sword, cool mount, and ass-kicking prowess. This one is not quite as good as “Den” or “B-17,” but I still think it’s a solid finale that has enough action and awesome music to make up for its tackier elements.

The movie ends with Taarna’s defeat of the Loc-Nar echoing through time and killing it which… makes absolutely zero sense, but whatever, the Loc-Nar is an absolutely atrocious villain and perhaps one of the most useless in cinematic history, he gets a 1/10 on Psycho Analysis. Then the girl gets her own kickass space dragon thing and becoming the new Taarna or something and, honestly, it’s the exact sort of batshit ending you should expect from the film.

So, is this really an awful film? In some places, no. It’s a love letter to cheesy, trashy sci-fi fantasy from the 70s, with all that comes with it, and in that regard it does succeed. But still, a lot of the film feels like the utterly juvenile fantasies of same sad high schooler, or perhaps even middle schooler, who has never had and who likely never will have sex. It’s a tashy little time capsule to a bygone era where this sort of storytelling was okay so long as there was enough blood and titties on display, so if that appeals to you, by all means, check this film out. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world to watch, but animation has come so far and adult animation in particular is capable of so much more than adolescent masturbatory fantasies that this film has little value beyond a few solid segments and a damn good soundtrack.

Hell, just go listen to the soundtrack. I think you’d have a better time doing that.

#Michael After Midnight #Review #Movie review #Heavy Metal #animation #animated movie #sex drugs and rock and roll

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kingofdirtandnothing · 3 years

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@polyfacetious big ass Christmas Drabble Extravagaza: Day Fourteen

Luke doesn’t know how he gets so lucky in life.

His Aunt Beru always told him that he had the kind of luck that meant he should play the lottery, as soon as he was old enough to do so. It was always the little things, like he could find Uncle Owen’s keys when he lost them in the house (usually stuffed under the couch cushions, near the corner) or that if something fell off of the counter, he could catch it before it broke. Or his phone, which managed to land face down every single time and not crack.

But there was luck, and there was luck and Han Solo felt like Luke was cashing in all that lottery luck in one fell swoop. Not that Luke minded. Having Han around was worth having bad luck for the rest of his life, if that’s what it took to have Han around.

Because Han was the best. He was smart, and he was funny, and he had a big fluffy dog that growled at everyone, but let Luke pet him any time he reached out for him, his fluffy brown tail thumping against the ground. Luke was lucky that Han started talking to him outside of their flight school classes, because he’s pretty sure he would have flunked out of everything but simulation time if he didn’t.

And Luke was so, so close to being able to take a plane up in the air. He couldn’t lose that, even to someone as amazing as Han Solo.

Not by himself, of course. That would be years before he’d be able to do that. But he’d be able to go up with the instructor, and finally be able to fly. It was all he had dreamed about since he was five years old. Finally being free. Finally flying. Seeing the clouds from the inside, knowing the feeling of the yoke in his hands and the wings responding to the gentlest of touches. Flying was going to be absolutely amazing, and he knew.

Luke was also pretty sure that flying would feel like holding Han’s hand.

Like they were doing now, fingers laced together as Luke tugged Han down the beach with him, bare feet in the sand. They’d both left their shoes and socks behind a rock that was far enough in that they didn’t have to worry about the tide coming, and rolled up their pant legs to just below their knees. “Come on, I want to show you something.”

The sound of the waves washing up over the sand was like a whisper, a comforting familiarity. “I came out here a lot, when I first moved here. When my parents died.” Han squeezes his hand, but doesn’t say anything. Han understood that sometimes, there were no words to fix a bad situation. He knew that being there was all that Luke needed. Han was like the waves. Sometimes he was right there next to Luke and sometimes he was farther than a phone call away, but he was always within reach. A constant.

“When I sat out here, it’s like I couldn’t hear all the thoughts in my head. The ocean drowned them out.” Because they had been a nightmare carousel of horrible images, always circling around and around in his head. What was he going to do with his life now? Was Leia going to be okay? How was he supposed to wake up every day and know that he couldn’t hug his mom?

Luke could feel those dark, suffocating thoughts building up in the back of his mind. He closes his eyes, just like his therapist Ben taught him, taking slow, mindful breaths. Ben had told him that it wasn’t about outrunning your feelings, or escaping them. It was about naming them, and letting them be. Then letting them go.

Luke doesn’t even realize they’ve stopped walking until he feels Han’s hand on his shoulder, a slow and steady pressure that he can match up with his breathing. In, and out. In and out. Like the waves on the shore.

Sure enough, after a few more deep breaths, the feeling passes. Luke looks over his shoulder at Han, that same giddy flying popping to life in his chest when Han grins back at him. “Sorry.”

Han shrugs. “No skin off my back, I’m not in a hurry.” But Chewie is, romping in circles around them and barking, his leash getting caught around Han’s ankles. “Alright, alright you big furball. Sit still for a second, will you?”

Luke tries not to laugh. Han talked to his dog the way most people talked to their siblings. It was kind of adorable. But Luke knew if he said anything about it that Han would just roll his eyes and brush him off. So he kept all thought of adorableness to himself.

Once Chewie was free from his leash and able to bound down the beach in front of them, Luke takes up his spot again at Han’s side, lacing their fingers stubbornly. He got here himself. He was the one brave enough to make the move, he was the one who shoved Han up against his hunk of junk car and kissed him, even when he was scared out of his head.

So yeah, he was going to take all the hand holding he could get, even if Leia rolled her eyes at him and Aunt Beru whispered behind her hand to Uncle Owen about how cute he was. Look at him Owen, he’s in love. Isn’t he darling?

Luke would be darling, so long as he could be it with Han. “Where are you taking me, anyway?” Han’s curiosity had a way of coming out sounding like a gripe. The best thing Luke ever did was learn the difference between Han griping for the fun of it, and Han actually being upset with him. One of them happened a heck of a lot less than the other, and it took the anxiety right out of being around him.

And if there was one thing that Luke Skywalker had enough of, it was anxiety.

“It’s a surprise, okay? You have to be patient.” Patient was’t a word that anyone used willingly for Han Solo. Especially walking down a deserted stretch of beach without a cloud in the sky or a person in sight. Luke could see how you could wonder just what in the world was going on. But that was part of the fun.

Because he knew what was hiding down behind that next outcropping. He knew every inch of this beach. “You know, I could be working on my car right now.” See, that? That was Han griping just to hear himself talk. Maybe that’s what happened when you spent most of your time with a dog. You forgot other people could take part in conversations.

“You could, but then you wouldn’t see this.”

Luke ducks around the rocks, tugging Han into the small cave they made on the edge of the beach. It was barely tall enough to stand in, and only a few feet deep. But it was a cove of quiet, no sounds of the highway nearby, just the crash of the waves and the gulls overhead.

And the crackle of the candles Luke has slowly been hiding here for the last few weeks. There were tea candles from a pack that Leia bought, spread out on the higher edges of some of the rocks. There was even a caramel apple candle that Aunt Beru had in the top of the linen closet.

They didn’t really light the place up, but Luke liked the look of them, tossing golden light and dancing shadows across the moss and the sand and the curves of the rocks where they jutted against each other.

“Ta da!” Luke lets go of his hold on Han’s hand to stand in front of him, arms thrown out wide at his surprise. Behind him, there was a blanket (that’s why he found the caramel apple candle) held in place by two heavier rocks that Luke found out on the beach. “It’s a picnic. Just for us.”

Chewie was sniffing around the blanket, wet nose snuffling and crusted with sand. And Han was fighting a smile, Luke could see it in the way he kept turning to take in the sights, even though the cave itself was only a little bit wider than Luke’s outstretched hands. “You did good, kid.” Those words made Luke’s chest feel tight with joy. “But I have just one question.”

Han held a single finger up. There was a punchline coming, Luke could feel it. “Where’s the food?”

Luke sputters, looking around him in frantic circles. “Oh crap! I knew I forgot something!” The picnic basket, with its pilfered snacks, was sitting on the edge of Luke’s bed right now. “Aw man.” Luke runs a hand through his hair, stomach like a stone where it sits near his bare feet. He screwed it up. “I’m sorry, Han. I wanted this to be something special, to show you how much you mean to me. And I really screwed this one up.”

“Hey.” Han’s voice was honey smooth when he stepped in, a hand against Luke’s cheek. Luke leans into the touch, greedy as ever for Han’s attention. There was something about it that made him feel like the center of the universe. “I don’t need a picnic to know I mean something to you. You show me every day.”

It eased some of the knot of worry in Luke’s chest, and the next breath out comes a little easier. “It still would have been nice. I had crackers and grapes and everything.” No wine, because sixteen year olds couldn’t buy wine. But there was a bottle of sparkling water in the basket, to give them that bubbly feeling.

“Who are you telling? I skipped lunch today.” Chewie snorts, and Han shoots a glare down at the dog. “Yeah yeah, so I had a bag of chips. A filling lunch that does not make.” Han shakes his head, and turns his eyes back to Luke. “But I’d much rather find a use for our privacy here than worry about food.”

Luke swallows, and all thoughts of feeling bad about ruining the moment are gone with the way Han was looking at him. “I bet you can think of a whole bunch of ways we could use this place, huh Han?” Because Luke’s mind was running ninety to nothing right now with thoughts of all the things they weren’t able to do in Han’s car, or in Luke’s bedroom, where Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen wouldn’t let him shut the door all the way.

“See? Now we’re on the same page, kid.” Han’s hand was warm where it was pressed against Luke’s hip, and he folds like a house of cards to sink down and sit on the blanket, a pile of knobby knees and pointed elbows that makes room for Han immediately. It was like Luke’s body had already learned muscle memory about Han, where to turn and twist and unfold to make room for him.

And right on cue, Han kneels down in front of him and guides Luke back to a prone position, a hand against the back of his head to keep him from smacking it against the ground. (That was one of those things he loved about Han. He could grumble and complain, but he would always do what was best for people in the end. He had a good heart, no matter how much he wanted the world to believe he was a scoundrel.)

“Hi.” It’s a silly thing to say, with Han’s nose brushing against his. But Han smiles at him and the sun rises in Luke’s chest, and he doesn’t have a single brain cell left in his head to feel insecure or silly.

“Hey kid.”

And then Han kisses him, and the universe at large falls away.

#ch: luke #polyfacetious | han #queued #v: expats row #carlota's christmas drabbles

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foegold · 4 years

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people be wanting to know about a lil blue bastard. this ones long as hell so its under the cut jsdhfg

Your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would they lead?

farmer! he’d just keep living the way he’d been living. it’s the sort of life he imagines he’ll return to one day, after he’s seen and done enough. ‘enough’ is a really arbitrary end goal though

Who in the party would your character trust the most with their life?

who in the party wouldn’t he trust with his life tbh. in the most literal sense he’d trust Eli with it just because he knows Eli can bring him back from dying in some stupid and ill-advised way

What are your character’s core moral beliefs?

frogs are good, try to be nice to people but if they’re mean to you first then at least a few bets are off, the rich should probably be eaten. killing is sometimes necessary but maybe try some other stuff first

What relationship does your character have with their parents and siblings?

he doesn’t have any siblings, and his relationship with his mom and recently present dad is. a little weird, and not all the way comfortable, and not like really bad, but just confusing? it’s confusing. at least he’s had more transparency from his mom recently than just about any other time. it’s a start

Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

he trusts other tieflings a little quicker than other races but its not really saying much because he’s not smart and if you’re good at talking and sound like you know what you’re talking about he’ll just believe you. he doesn’t have the good sense to second think it without prompting

What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

so far just about every interaction with nobility has been messy or bad or scary or all three so right now the opinion is “not great”. also thats just too much money. whaddahell would you do with that much money. he’s generally uneasy with authority figures at best, and flat out paralyzed by them at worst. he’s easy to bully when he doesn’t have anyone backing him up and he knows and hates it

Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor, scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

he cycles through an assortment of sweaters but the one he wears the most is the heart sweater he got in Wunjo that’s been altered a few times in the last few months. he do keep collecting those scars tho, before starting adventuring he had a handful of minor scars just from working around the farm with the animals and the equipment and from romping around in the country. now he’s got all sorts, but the most prominent ones are: the thin scar on the left side of his face, starting just below the eyebrow and curving gently below his eye (the last time Leo would leave a mark on him); the twisted angry scars across his torso from being mauled by a giant undead horse(?); and the fluid, patterned necromancy scars slowly spreading across his back, creeping along inch by inch

What location encountered in the campaign has your character felt the most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

besides his own house, Roman’s house has been the nicest! its warm and theres soup and friends there. there was a run down little ranch house somewhere at some point, but he’s not so sure anymore that he didn’t just dream about fixing the place up with his best friend

What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s their opinion on other people’s worship?

he doesn’t have a god he actively worships, but he’s peripherally aware of the god in the mountains that’s responsible for some of the most brutal storms in the region. he doesn’t care much about religion but hes got the same amount of concern most people would have about evil deities and what their followers do

If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, game set, instrument, etc., what would it be?

probably woodworking! its handy, it’s useful for living out in the country where you have to either make the tools or furniture or fun items to put on a shelf you want, or go out of your way and also spend money to get them. maybe an actual alchemy set and/or poison kit but 1) playing with poison just a fun hobby for him and Xan to get into when they have the time and the plants for it, and 2) man he wouldnt follow the instruction manual anyway so whats the point

What aspect of your character’s future are they most curious about? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

will his friends be okay? will he be okay? is there an FAQ for tieflings learning that they’re much closer to fiend lineage than they originally thought? that would be convenient and helpful. is john gonna figure out more about the little men named ‘adam’ that’re allegedly everywhere? if he could know one thing about the future, he’d like to know if everything will end out okay. if things will turn out as nice as he’d like them to.

What colors are associated with your character?

looks at the camera like im on the office

blue, white, and black are the big ones but im trying to pepper in a few other colors. reds and yellows are a close second

Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in dire circumstances?

everyone sits squarely in the #1 spot on the rescue list

that aside john and roman are extremely high priority, they’re not the sturdiest and if something looked at them too hard they might keel over. baster and xan come next, he knows baster’s a shit brick house but he keeps seeing bad things happen to her and really hes just had Enough of it. eli’s a little lower priority because they can heal themselves if they’re in a tight spot, and then blu considers himself least concern. he knows he can get thrashed around some and still survive, he’d rather take a beating and know he’ll walk out of it than let someone else take it and wind up dead

Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

pathos, it’s easy to make him feel for u. legit any of them work though as long as you talk it up good enough he’ll believe you and if there aren’t any glaring conflicts between what you’re selling him and his base morals then it’s relatively easy to get him on board

If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what would they use it for?

idk probably something really simple that he put all of .5 of a second of thought into. hes not smart and doesnt have good foresight so he’d probably ask for a frog or smth unless there was something very much more pressing and present

What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells: what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

favorite(?) spell is life transference. it hurts a bit but it keeps his friends safe so it’s worth it. invisibility is up there too, its fun and easy to steal from stores when ur not visible

How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the rest of the party?

he doesn’t like lying and also lies really poorly. he’s usually just honest from the get-go, its easier and feels better. if he has to lie its through omission, bold faced lies really just dont work

What type of creature in the world is your character the most intrigued by?

all sorts....bro the world is full of animals and lots of them like to be pet

When they were a child, what did your character want to be, or think they were going to be, when they grew up?

he thought he’d grow up and be a farmer like his mom, the adventuring thing was extremely unplanned and impromptu. he hoped he could be a kind and brave person though, the way Canna described his dad.

The player character to your left admits that they’re passionately in love with your character. How would your character respond?

random roll says it’s Roman, he’d probably laugh because the only reason that would happen is because the party is fooling around with potions again. Roman’s very married and very in love with his husband and makes sure everyone knows it all the time

If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) your character trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’s best interest, who would they side with?

that doesn’t seem like a very viable circumstance, the only npc thats important enough that he’d listen to for something like that is his mom and she actively encourages him to take care of himself and his friends, and lets him make his own decisions about what he’s doing with his life, so

What unusual talents does your character possess?

idk if its all that unusual of a talent but he got really good at stealing and pickpocketing and he can do a sick flip. also does some black magic sometimes

What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as a player did you choose your character’s name?)

it’s his name, u kno. bluebell is his middle name, but Canna called him bluebell growing up and he latched onto it a lot more than arden, and he thinks its a nice name, and a nice flower, and it sure would be nice if people would stop laughing when he introduces himself as “Blu”,

(blu was originally a stand-in name until i named him something else but it really grew on me and it fit him so! it didnt change, he just got other names too)

What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

The Moon. 👀

What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scared of it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

he’s def scared of magic sometimes, especially his own. he also really wants to understand it better though, and be less scared, or at least control it better. imo it’s a healthy fear, theres been lots of magic mishaps

How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

he learned common and infernal from mom! and he’s learning draconic from xan. it’s a nice downtime activity, sit down with ur best friend and homie and learn a new language just for fun

#asks #hohg.....thats a lot of questions lksjflsahfdg #c: blu

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the-crippled-god · 3 years

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Steam Next Fest, October 2021

Here’s a few sentences on the demos I’ve played thus far. We’ll see if I get to more...

A=B: Of the genre of 'Esolang programming games' (of which there are many), this might be one of the easiest to get into. However, nearly all the fun is going to come out of weird tricks you can pull off with the new instructions added in each section, which kinda defeats the premise. That being said, I was pleasantly surprised at how clever the game let me be with the the base 'one instruction'. It's not really programming, it's pattern matching and replacing (that being said, folks are starting to work out that well implemented pattern matching is one of the most powerful tools a programming language can have), and a condition that if a rule matches, the instructions start over, rather than continue. I wonder if there's any real world langs that behave like this, but support regex patterns (including capture groups), it might actually be a neat way of building things like custom file renaming rules... Games like this always feel like I'm doing work while not at work, but the simplicity of the base instruction makes this feel more like a puzzle game than something like TIS-100 or Shenzen IO, so provided the extra instructions don't make it feel more like programming (avoid adding branching, don't let me loop beyond the base loop, etc.), I'll probably enjoy this. Verdict: interesting, I'll probably buy it if it's cheap.

Galaxy's Extreme: This is another "Nintendo won't make a new F-Zero game so we'll do it ourselves", and it's... fine. Momentum feels good, and the controls feel good, it's just, too simplistic. I really feel like a spiritual successor to F-Zero needs the strafe and slide turning of GX (or some equivalent), without absurd goofy snaking, it's just, not the same, let alone an escalation of the style. You also only seem to leave the ground and prescribed points, rather than behaving like a hover craft, which doesn't quite feel right. Verdict: I'll probably pass on this one, if it gets rave reviews on release, and has online multiplayer, I could see grabbing it to play casually with friends.

Rayze: There's a good idea here, this isn't a good implementation of it. Momentum feels weird, and the game doesn't use raw mouse input, for some reason. An 'Aim racer' feels like a good idea, but this is more of a puzzle game where you're trying to work out how the level designer wants you to click things. Verdict: pass, absolutely not for me.

Dread Delusion: Open world immersive sim, focused on being weird. Seems alright, demo is a little too limited to tell, and I allocated my stats wrong to be able to see all of it (you seem to need high Lore to get to a few areas), but I enjoyed what was here, and will probably pick it up as just a weird thing to explore. Verdict: neat, be interested to see how the full version is.

Titanium Hound: This one looked cool, but it's really not good. Sounds in the menus are ear piercing, control scheme makes no sense on either the keyboard or controller. None of the attacks feel like they have impact. Controls are floaty and weird, like everything is on ice. Enemy sounds are muted, music is boring. Verdict: Really disappointed in this one, hard pass.

Transiruby: C...Cute... This seems like a fun light hearted metroidvania. Dialogue is witty, Siruby and pals are cute. Music is charming. Controls are tight. Graphics lean a little to simple for my tastes, but otherwise no complaints. Verdict: I'll probably buy this, seems like a good coping game for me.

Gastova: The Witches of Arkana: Meh. Some of the cutscene and character detail art is cute. Writing feels like it has a good premise, but could use an editor to punch up the jokes and quips a bit, since they don't quite land. It's almost like English isn't the writers first language, they have a good grasp of how to put words together so they're coherent, but they're not great at pacing dialogue so it feels natural. Gameplay is, bland? This feels aggressively like a 3rd party SNES platformer, like a Super Adventure Island or something. This is in all respects. It eats inputs randomly, attacks have no impact, enemies take too many hits, basic platoforming requires you stand on the very edge of the platforms, etc. I'm sure there are people who will get a kick out of this, but it's not for me. Verdict: pass.

Ex-Zodiac: It's a Starfox clone! Kinda halfway between SNES and 64. It's pretty good, not really doing anything original, but it plays well. Only weird issue I noticed is that enemies behind you can shoot at you, and there's not really a way to avoid it. Other than that my main complaint is the camera feels a little tight, definitely more like Starfox SNES, and it's a bit annoying. Verdict: I'll wishlist it, purchase is going to depend on the length and price of the full game.

Exo One: Interesting, likely not for me. I dig the movement scheme, though certain aspects of it suffer from the minimal UI/HUD. Manoeuvring through big wide open Unity terrain maps is not really compelling to me, I think I'd really like this if it was a more concentrated experience. Verdict: Pass, but I'll keep an eye on it.

POSTAL Brain Damaged: Hell yeah, this seems good. Think I like it more than Postal 4, at least in its current state. Writing is very Postal, except weirdly more subtle than usual? Dunno, this I like it more than Postal's usual crassness. Weapons are all versatile and cool (in the demo the rocket launcher weirdly feels the worst), and level design and aesthetics are on point. Didn't finish the demo cause I'd kinda rather play this on release, but really liked what I played. Verdict: Wishlisted, to pick up next time I'm in the mood for a boomer shooter.

Hypnagogia: Boundless Dreams: I was expecting something different. This seems to be a mostly linear 1st person platformer set in a childish dreamscape. It's fine for what it is, but at least as a demo, it didn't grab me. I think Anodyne 2 did this aesthetic better, this kinda feels like someone looked at Spyro the Dragon, and decided that's what dreams looked like. Maybe it gets weirder later, but I'm not sure I want to wait around to find out. Verdict: Pass for now, but I'll check the reviews when it comes out.

Cleo: A Pirate's Tale: It's alright, for a one person game, it seems pretty dang good. But, I don't think I'll play it. Everything about it is just a little off. Writing isn't quite funny, voice acting has weird intonation and direction, controls don't quite work intuitively, art style feels a touch unrealized, etc. Definitely give this one a try, especially if you liked old LucasArts games, you might love this, but I didn't. Verdict: Pass, but I have a few friends I'll probably recommend this to.

Hunt the Night: There's a good (potentially great) game here, but it leans just a little too into being difficult/punishing for my taste. You can animation cancel into a dash, except when there's hit stun from contacting an enemy with your sword, so you can't dodge ranged attacks while you're engaged in melee? Sometimes enemies are hit stunned by your attacks, sometimes the same enemies can attack through your hits? There's no stamina bar, but there's like 4 different meters to manage, and they work pretty well at forcing you to use all the options available to you. The weapons I found seemed to only differ in attack speed, melee combos did not change meaningfully, which is disappointing, but I didn't experiment much. Otherwise, for a 'bloodborne but as top-down zelda' it seems pretty great. Story seems interesting enough, if predictable, gameplay has a lot of good ideas, but it maybe needs another round of polish. A range indicator on the dash, and a solid explanation of if I'm suppose to be using it to dodge (and when I can cancel into a dodge and when I can't), along with a clear timer on how long I need to hold the heal button, would go a long way into making the game feel more fair. Verdict: On wishlist for now, because the trailer makes it look really fun, but I'll likely take a look at the reviews on release.

Anuchard: I swear I've seen this main character design before, I think they were a cameo design in CrossCode? Oh wow is English not the writer's first language, grammar issues all over the place. Thankfully, not so bad as to be incomprehensible, but I really hope they get an editor fluent in English before release. Gameplay wise, this seems a little too simple? Combat is satisfying, but you can stun lock the boss? And while the shield/heavy attack system seems like a good idea, it doesn't add much depth. Puzzle solving by bouncing the gems around feels bad. You can't aim in more than the 8 cardinal directions, and even that's inconsistent, and hit detection requires you to be really precise. Art is cute, writing seems like it has potential, if it gets a good proof read, music was interesting to good. Verdict: I think I'll pass, but I'll look into it after release.

Marmoreal: Can you tell this game wanted to be a Touhou fangame, but the art was worse than even ZUNs so they couldn't get the license? Joking aside, ignoring every art asset in this game (except the animation, but we'll get to that), this game is great. Gameplay feels really good, though I feel I need to re-map the abilities buttons a bit, I kept hitting them at inopportune times. And, the animation in cutscenes, along with the writing, make this a stupid ridiculous romp that nearly had me falling off my chair in laughter. This game knows exactly what it is, and I'm here for it. Verdict: Wishlisted, and I'll probably play more of the demo, since it's pretty substantial.

Transmute: A very clearly inspired by Axiom Verge (and maybe Environmental Station Alpha) metroidvania. My biggest complaint is the writing falls flat. Crazy shit is happening to and around the protag, and she hardly reacts (the writing puts more emphasis on her being 'anti-colonialist' than it does on the fact that she'd been in stasis for several years). Game plays well, though not being able to shoot at an angle, or downwards feels weird. Has an augment and retrieval system like Hollow Knight. the augment system even let me combine 2 things I didn't think it would allow me to. Difficulty spikes up after the 2nd boss, so I peaked my head into the 2 areas that open up, but wasn't really interested in banging my head against them when I know I'll have to start over when the game comes out. Verdict: Seems pretty well put together for a metroidvania, I'll wishlist it.

Tunic: This seems so close to brilliance, but it's just not there. The game looks adorable, but here's the issue: There's a massive amount of latency to the controls, you constantly feel like you're manoeuvring through muck. Even the most basic enemy can react to you faster than you can to it, enemies do a lot of damage, healing is very limited, and it has retrieval mechanics on death. This game feels really difficult for no reason. It's clearly trying to look like zelda, why does it play like a wannabe took-all-the-wrong-lessons-from-dark-souls game? If this game played closer to a 2d zelda game, it'd be a lot of fun, but as it plays right now, I have no interest. Verdict: Pass.

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the-harvester · 7 years

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An Open Letter:: A Shift in Perception

Hello, everyone. This is VT. No, not Astire, aka both VT and CZ at once. Just VT.

Before you worry, yes this is a serious post, but no, this isn’t about some end-to-The-Harvester news or anything. I just need to have a serious heart-to-heart with you all.

My reason for writing TH started to shift. And, it’s time I shift it back. [More under the cut. Long post, but please take a moment to read.]

I’ll cut straight to the point, and the reason why I’m writing this. As of late, I have had little drive to write The Harvester with my partner, @chillachompers, aka CZ. I assumed it was because we were both busy, myself especially, but that wasn’t the root of it. Truncated version; I’d stopped writing for the enjoyment of it, and started writing with readers in mind first and foremost. I wrote to please everyone and to make a good, presentable story for people to enjoy. And you may be thinking, yeah VT, that’s the whole point! It’s a long-running fanfiction that you’re posting, of course that should be your priorit-

The Harvester was never created with the intention to share it.

Sharing it was... my idea. I got excited that CZ and I had something really good going, and that someone else should be able to see it, and might find enjoyment in it. Back then, the story was simple arcs 1-4, and then a few little other things. Maybe a 5th arc. That was it. Now it’s, quite amazingly, turned into a multi-series thing. And, the problem is... somewhere along the line, I became so focused on the story being as solid and well-executed as it possibly could be, to the point of no longer really enjoying the writing like I originally did. It became a mild chore instead of a break from work. And. I hate that. I hate my hobbies turning into chores.

Now, here’s the thing. A lot of this is on me. Most of it, in fact. CZ, for one, has no fault in this. I’ve always been the one to push things the extra step too far in the pursuit of ‘perfection’. It’s cost me dozens of hours of sleep with editing, actually caused me to stress out about writing a chapter that should be a light comedy romp, and to just... have negative feelings towards TH. I started writing to please fans and keep people happy with as little mistakes as possible instead of to enjoy myself.

Some may have the mentality that if we’re sharing this on the internet... that opens it up for critique. Even harsh critique. To some, that’s just the nature of posting things online. And I get it, I can’t stop you from seeing TH as something crafted for you and your enjoyment. But, I do really need to get something off my chest before it ever even has a chance to become a problem, because my anxiety loves to say the worst of my fears will happen.

The bottom line, is... The Harvester isn’t a Fanfiction written for readers. It isn’t a novel series. It’s a long-running, Steven Universe-inspired Roleplay between two friends with an extensive story and lots of OC’s. But it’s deeper than that. More personal. The Harvester is, at its core, a very therapeutic hobby. It’s very. Very hard to admit that out loud, it really is, because posting TH already feels vulnerable enough as it is, much less without people knowing what it is. This story branched off from a joke. A joke between friends about Yellow Diamond being drunkenly fused with my old Gemsona, Hematite. Then it somehow turned into what it is today. From the very start, it was just... a way for CZ and I to bond, to grow closer, to, though we didn’t know it at the time of starting, fight some really serious inner demons. It may seem silly to some people, but it’s very real to us, and the effect it’s had on our lives is undeniable, even if the effects have been behind closed doors.

The Harvester was never meant for other eyes. We didn’t have a ‘proper editor,’ we didn’t care that much about punctuation and grammar being correct, and we didn’t analyze everything for possible plot holes or contrivances. I didn’t do those things. But somewhere down the line... I started caring more about those things than the story and characters themselves. I was so focused on certain scenes going a certain way that I would actually pull them along forcefully, limiting what characters could do or say in response to a situation. And that’s... not what it was supposed to be. TH was always a wing-it sort of story with general guidelines and then loose chapter concepts. That had to be chipped away as things got more complex, but... the focus was lost, for me. MY focus was lost. I started nitpicking so much on stripping bad bark from trees that I didn’t pay attention to the forest.

So that brings me to the point of this letter.

The Harvester is a roleplay story written for fun by two dear friends, whom decided to share their story with the internet. We, of course, don’t want to just cut everyone off from this. I know CZ doesn’t want it, and I certainly don’t want it, either. I know people like this story and would be sad to see it go.

But I can’t keep writing this with the mindset that I’m making a product for the scrutiny of online readers, for fans, 95% of which I don’t even know personally. And that’s what brings me to this:

The Harvester won’t always be perfect. Far from it. That’s just how it is. It’s written by two stressed-out, busy, nerdy young adult artists who like big gems and drama. It’ll have typos, it’ll have all sorts of grammatical errors, it’ll have off moments, it’ll have plot holes, contrivances, characters acting a bit out of character now and then, it’ll have moments that go too far, moments that don’t go far enough, just like any piece of created media. It shouldn’t have to have a ‘quality meter.’ I shouldn’t be measuring a hobby with a close friend of mine by some self-created standard. I shouldn’t be sacrificing nights of sleep over editing every error out of a chapter. I shouldn’t stress out over writing about my own characters with one of my best friends, whose characters I love dearly. I shouldn’t be striving to perfect something so integrally personal as a story like this. One day when I start making my own fictions, sure, I’ll have that high standard.

But for now? Well... There’s nothing for you, as a reader, to take from this other than this: We do like hearing from you. We enjoy hearing your theories and thoughts. We like seeing your fanart. The fact that our hobby could bring a smile to anyone is mind boggling to us, in a good way.

But just know, right now, that TH is flawed. It always will be, because nothing is perfect. We’re two stressed-out, sometimes absent-minded people just trying to write something that makes us happy. We’re going to sometimes write some cliche, predictable, badly paced stuff, but we’ll also write some really good, heart-wrenching stuff. It’s just the nature of things. All I’m saying is, please don’t see this as something made for viewers. It isn’t... It’s just. Something we choose to share. And, this isn’t to say that we’re trying to avoid criticism, people will be critical of something they like. Just keep in mind what TH is at its core. It’s inherently extremely personal and close to our hearts, and every character has a piece of us in them. We’re not trying to write it to impress anyone or be the next JK Rowlings or Rebecca Sugars. We’re just writing it to have fun, to cope with some serious issues in our day-to-day lives. CZ’s always kept sight of that.

It’s time I do the same.

Everyone take care, and we will see you soon enough with the start of arc 6. We’re unsure when, but we’re aiming for before the end of June. We aren’t going to rush ourselves, though. It will be worth the wait.

It may seem selfish, but I have to go back to writing this for me. For CZ. For us. And I hope you’ll understand that ‘selfishness’ comes from a place of passion and a desire to keep a flame burning for TH. We’re not going to take TH in some drastic direction... but I am going to try and stop caring so much whether the story is perfectly crafted.

It just has to be fun.

#[If you read all of this; thank you]#[I do appreciate our readers]#[I really do]#[But I really felt like I needed to write this for my own sake]#[Maybe it'll help you understand me-the story- /us/ a little better.]#[And why things are the way they are sometimes]#[Sometimes we're slow responding to asks or updating the blog]#[It boils down to what we have the energy for]#[And what doesn't feel like a 'job']

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seak1ng · 6 years

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I think I wanna outline that Rumiko Takahashi Style dream I had that I mentioned recently because I can’t stop thinking about it.

So I’ll describe the original dream. Like i dreamed it sorta in first person, like sometimes it’d be third person for certain scenes? Anyway I’m doing to describe a main character in third person because it’d feel weird to describe it in first person.

I think the strongest Takahashi vibes in this dream were al Ranma 1/2 flavored because the setting was a modern “japan” but there were super traditional / historical feeling elements everywhere too. The love interest for example was a samurai lookin fuck who was kind of a junk merchant who lived like, you know, a traveling merchant samurai fuck would. But this was like right outside a big city lol

Oh and I don’t remember when in the story it came up but SOMEHOW my dream brain managed to give the samurai fuck a name and that name was Hayase? Wild. I don’t think I’ve ever named a character in a dream before lmao

Alright, anyway, dream narrative starts the main character and her mom browsing a market? Main character intrudes in samurai fucko item merchant Hayase’s section- for some reason she just wasn’t supposed to be poking around there and he really fucking hated it and at this point he makes it his life mission to chase her down and catch her for... the crime of intruding I guess? The why didn’t seem important, the point was that this is where a chase narrative begins.

There was a segment where main character tried to leave the country but she had to keep hiding from samurai man, so she just sent her mom on home and decided to keep running this little goose chase a little while longer (with the idea that she’d catch a flight after she lost him)

There were a fuckload of parkour chase scenes? Which was actually super fun to dream about. It’s also very Ranma because like you know how in that anime and otherse like it, anyone who does any amount of martial arts just has the ability to jump around on anything, y’know? Lots of those scenes played like Ranma fight scenes. As narrative scenes they’re pretty meaningless filler. It was only a little scary, being pursued, but there was a fun mood to it. Like it was only the first chase scene that was particularly tense and as the dream progressed it developed from a vengeful hunt to both parties genuinely enjoying the cat and mouse game.

There was one scene where the main character had given him the slip for a good long time so she took up a job in like a traditional theater + pub kinda situation. Took some time to stay in one place and “rest” (even tho she was working through it) and save up some money. Eventually Hayase DOES turn up at the, but the idiot doesn’t even recognize the main character because she’s dressed so dang different. It was a fun scene where she got to mess with him a little before he caught wise, and then the chase resumed.

I never really dreamed up a proper reason for this chase to be happening? But the guy was super desperate to catch her by the end. The vengeance angle also disappeared long since. I guess the reason was he caught feelings or some bullshit because thats how anime do, right.

By the time the chase was drawing to an end it was morning so like it stopped being 100% dream generated, and I was just slightly conscious enough to like... start editing while dreaming? The last scene had Hayase catch her and be like “Hey I’m not going to hurt you and we can stop doing this chase thing I just want you to know We Cool (and also I’d like it if you spend more time with me but won’t force it)” I mean the dialogue was more appropriately dramatic and anime but that was the gist. I think Dream Brain was planning some kind of reveal that would’ve given a better story reason for the chase to be happening but whoops I woke up before it got there

---- SO, fixing it ----

Like the romance being tied to literal pursuit is something.... like that’s one of those things where you know I’d be bitching about it along side other shojo manga that disappointed me. As a plot that’s effectively an Enemies to Lovers plot, however, I eat that shit up. The issue is that having a male character pursue a romance this way sucks because when real men IRL act that way its fucking terrifying and bad. While my dream didn’t play out like a standard romanticized stalking, it’s a little too close for comfort. I probably will make Hayase a woman or nb person because that not only gays it up but also removes the element of real fear that comes with the plot of being pursued by a man. So its easier for it to be a fun romp.

I think I will omit the modern parts of the setting because the only time they were relevant were in the parkour scenes. I like working in fantasy settings anyway. I thought about renaming Hayase but man, if your dream produces a specific name like that you’d better use it, right.

I think the main character will be some sort of master thief and her swiping something from Hayase is what motivates the fight. There’s a lot of potential there for making the plot stronger. Of course it’s some imporant McGuffin. Maybe something that turns out to be dangerous or attracts the attention of other people who want it, so it turns the two person chase into this huge scramble. then THAT might give the main characters reason to put their game on hold and team up. There’s lots of places in this plot that allow for stronger relationship development.

#lychee's dream logs

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jakelace · 6 years

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2017 IN FILM - PART 5 (40-31)

40. Happy Death Day

“So I’m supposed to keep dying until I figure out who my killer is?”

Happy Death Day’s most unforgivable sin is that it doesn’t use 50 Cent’s ‘In Da Club’ even though it was prominently featured in the trailer. That’s a joke, really…mostly. But it does speak to my enjoyment of the film that that is one of the few complaints I have with it, with my others being that it is fairly predictable and doesn’t have a satisfying ending. Outside of that though, this slasher romp is an entertaining twist on the Groundhog’s Day formula. Much like with 2014′s Live. Die. Repeat. the addition of this plot thread mixed with another genre left me with a refreshed feeling. While its central idea isn’t very original, its send-up of genre tropes and cliches while also making a vaguely compelling story of its own is pretty admirable. The icing on the proverbial birthday cake though is Jessica Rothe’s performance as our lead. Rothe believably sells the amount of trauma dying brutally every single day would have on a person. I just wish all slasher films had the sense of fun this one does…get it? Wish? Like a candle on a birthday cake? Never mind.

39. Atomic Blonde

“You know those movies where the picture just starts to slow down and melt…then catch fire? Well, that’s Berlin.”

Atomic Blonde’s story is pretty dumb. I don’t know why I’m starting today’s mini-reviews with all the things I didn’t like about a film, but here we are. Yes, Atomic Blonde’s story is not only the aforementioned dumb, but it also is told in such a disorienting and nonsensical way that if this were any other film, I probably would have tuned out pretty quickly. But this isn’t any other film, this is Atomic Blonde we’re talking about here. The story itself is nothing more than a vessel used to carry us between action sequences where Charlize Theron beats dudes senseless and is also just an all-around badass. If that’s what you’re looking for, then I’m certain you won’t be disappointed. It also helps to have David Leitch in the director’s chair though. Leitch has such a sublime eye for action set pieces and every moment is carefully shot with as few cuts as possible, which is so needed in the modern action film landscape. I left this viewing with a newfound confidence in Deadpool 2′s quality and a need to see more from Theron in this role.

38. It Comes at Night

“You can’t trust anyone but family.”

I wrote at length about my feelings on this film in a review that you can read here, and my thoughts haven’t really changed, so I’ll keep my this mini-review extra mini. While at times it can seem like a retread of other recent horror films, It Comes at Night offers a well crafted look at anxiety and paranoia. I still can’t think about that long hallway shot without getting chills. Yikes.

37. Better Watch Out

“What delusional infant thinks a break-in is going to get you to second base?”

I don’t want to talk about Better Watch Out. Not because I didn’t enjoy it, I did quite a bit. I don’t want to talk about it because its very existence and my enjoyment hinges on knowing as little as possible going into it. Now, that being said, I’ll do my best to describe what I liked about it without giving anything away. What originally intrigued me about Better Watch Out is that it was a twist on the tried and true home invasion sub-genre of film. In this regard, the film knocks it out of the park. Chris Peckover’s holiday themed horror-comedy blends its genres so well while also paying homage to home invasion films that came before it that its honestly pretty impressive, and its take-down of toxic masculinity didn’t go unnoticed by me either. Unfortunately the only thing keeping this from being an instant recommend are the opening twenty minutes which are painfully bland.

36. Mr. Roosevelt

“Eric is taking a break from music right now. He’s getting his real estate license.”

“I love houses.”

There is something about films like Grosse Pointe Blank where the main character returns home after years of being away that really gets me. Mr. Roosevelt, Noël Wells’ directing and writing debut, is no different. The story follows Emily (also played by Wells) who returns to her ex-boyfriend’s home when she gets news that the cat that they had bought together has become sick. Wells’ performance here is what instantly endeared me to her character and the film overall. I know that when I say this I’m definitely going to sound like a #millennial (I hate myself for typing this), but Emily’s struggle to find where her life is going while also balancing the influence of where she came from spoke to me and impacted me more than it probably should have. Also, let me just say that the idea to shoot this on 16mm made this look way more gorgeous than it has any right to be.

35. Spider-Man: Homecoming

“Don’t mess with me. Because I will kill you, and everybody you love.”

Spider-Man. Spider-Man. He’s in the MCU and that’s pretty grand. He can joke. Also kinda flies. Too bad the action hurts my eyes. Look out! Here comes Tom Holland as the best Spider-Maaaaan.

If you didn’t read that in the tune of the 1960′s Spider-Man Theme, then you should get on that. And if you want to read my original review on Spider-Man: Homecoming you can do so here.

34. The LEGO Batman Movie

“My name’s Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.”

“Well, children can be cruel.”

Nanananananananananananana Batmaaaan…alright, sorry, I’ll stop. Who would have guessed that the best iteration of the Caped Crusader in years would come in an adorable LEGO form? The LEGO Batman movie is everything Ninjago wishes it could be. It perfectly embraces the history of the character while also providing a brand new story all its own. Will Arnett reprises his role as Batman from the original LEGO movie and does so with just as much comedic timing and laugh-out-loud moments, but the voice talent who steals the show here is Michael Cera as Robin. Cera’s interpretation of Robin as a doe-eyed orphan who finds inexplicable joy in everything stands to be my favorite adaptation of the classic character yet. However, the true hero here is director Chris McKay who uses all of his prior knowledge from Robot Chicken to side-splitting effect. The zany and fast-paced comedy that McKay is so obviously well-versed in fits perfectly with a child friendly tone without losing its punch. Here’s hoping that the rest of the inevitable LEGO movies can have as much hilarity and heart as this one.

33. Free Fire

“Hey, I like your cardboard armor.”

“It’s protection from infection.”

If you told me a year ago that a movie all about a bunch of idiotic criminals having a shoot-out in an abandoned warehouse would be as funny as this is…I probably would have believed you, that just sounds amazing. And while the end product is less than amazing, Free Fire still manages to be some of the most fun I had at a theater in 2017. It takes a while for it to get there, but once it really ramps up, every line spoken, every scream released, and every stray bullet fired got a big laugh out of me. If that isn’t enough to sell you, then maybe the fantastic cast including Brie Larson and Cillian Murphy will. And hey, if you watch this at home you won’t even have to deal with an elderly couple talking really loudly in front of you before they were ejected for stealing a collectable popcorn bucket from the front of the theater. That happened.

32. My Life as a Zucchini

“Your mum is no longer here, Icare.”

My Life as a Zucchini, also known as Heartbreak: The Movie, does what so few children’s films have the guts to do. It teaches real world issues like death and abuse in a way that is easy for kids to understand and yet not over overly graphic. There is a specific scene where Zucchini is told each child in the orphanage’s backstory and if you aren’t welling up with tears by the end of that, then I’m pretty certain you have no soul. In its entire 70 minute runtime I never felt as though the filmmakers were talking down to the audience and because of that I was able to become fully engrossed in the world and characters that were being presented to me in adorable, claymation form. The voice actors are great, the story is heart-breaking and funny, and let’s all be honest with ourselves, this should have won Best Animated Feature over Zootopia at the Oscars last year.

31. Logan Lucky

“Is it twenty or is it thirty? We are dealing with science here!”

After my initial viewing of Logan Lucky’s trailer, I was pretty certain this film was going to be trash. Thankfully enough, Steven Soderbergh’s first heist movie since Ocean’s 13 turned out pretty well. While there are certainly problems, particularly with Seth McFarlane’s bafflingly horrible performance and a strangely paced third act that shoehorns Hilary Swank into the picture, Logan Lucky is still great fun in spite of them. The film works, in part, due to some really great comedic turns from stellar actors like Adam Driver and Daniel Craig who can make just about any line funny. But it wouldn’t be a heist movie without…well…a heist, and writer Rebecca Blunt delivers on that front with heist that is equal parts intelligent (well, as intelligent as some of these characters can get) and thrilling. And while this isn’t my favorite movie heist of 2017, there is something to be said for how unbelievably satisfying it is watching it all get pulled off, and that’s really all you can ask for.

That’s all for today, but join me tomorrow as I discuss four superhero films, three period pieces, two supernatural Criterion films, and one touching love story.

#Happy Death Day #Atomic Blonde #it comes at night #Better Watch Out #spider-man: homecoming #mr. roosevelt #The LEGO Batman Movie #Free Fire #My Life as a Zucchini #Logan Lucky #2017 #Movies #Film

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auburnfamilynews · 6 years

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The Auburn freight train got knocked off the tracks. (John Bazemore, AP Photo.)

War Eagle, everybody. It’s time now for the Acid Reign Report on Auburn’s 28-7 loss to Georgia in the SEC Championship Game. It has been a challenging year for the Tigers, but I’d have to judge it a fun one, overall. The pressure has been on, with “hot seat” being the prevailing topic of conversation the past couple of seasons. After an exceptionally horrific loss in Baton Rouge in October, Auburn went on a tear. An undefeated romp through Amen Corner in November ensued, and Auburn knocked off Number One-ranked Georgia AND Alabama, in the span of two weeks. National title dreams danced before Tiger eyes. It all came crashing off the tracks in Atlanta, in the SEC Title Game.

This will be a little bit of a departure from my usual post-game grading style. It was a disappointing loss, to be sure. But I can’t bring myself to ding various players for “points off here for…” stuff after the effort these young men showed this season. Instead, I’ll try to point out the positives, from this game.

First off, kudos to Georgia. I had opined prior to this game that Auburn won big in the trenches in the last matchup, and there was no reason that would not continue in this game. Georgia did not stand pat. The Georgia coaches changed strategy on both sides of the ball, to minimize damage done by key Auburn standouts. Then, Auburn was missing its running game for this one, make no mistake. With a one-dimensional attack against a good Georgia defense, it was an uphill battle all the way.

Before this game, I gave a nod of approval to Georgia offensive coordinator Jim Chaney. He showed his stuff, in this game. Auburn has been killing offenses in the middle of the line. Georgia did a good job this game of getting the game out on the perimeter on the toss sweep. This is the most signature, basic play in the old pro-I offense, but sometimes it gets overlooked, in the modern fancy, read-based offensive era. Georgia has both a pair of runners, and a tight end and fullback that will all will likely be playing football on Sunday for years to come. Auburn slowed the toss down for maybe 3 quarters, but paid a price. Pressure on freshman Georgia quarterback Jake Fromm was less, and he made some good plays as a result.

On offense, we knew Kerryon Johnson looked done for the season late in the Iron Bowl. Somehow, KJ started this game, and got some carries. Honestly, I wish the team had let him heal. He was a shell of his midseason self, and it was a big risk to his future health, to play him. KJ gave his all, as usual. In the bigger picture, Auburn’s running plan was a shell game, mainly trying to beat UGA with speed sweeps and QB keepers. It didn’t take Kirby and Georgia long to figure out that Auburn was no threat running up the middle.

With the running game stalled, Auburn looked to the passing game. The mesh/crossing pattern plays that beat Alabama were gone. Georgia had one or two linebackers dropping into those lanes, and there was nowhere to throw the ball into those spaces, without risking a turnover. Georgia was also able to avoid being outnumbered on the quick screens to the sideline. The Bulldog plan was to keep those contained, and make the tackle. Sure, Auburn completed probably a dozen of those passes, but most catches were put down on the ground with less than 5 yards gained. I was reminded of Tommy Tuberville’s defensive philosophy, on those. “We’ll let you throw it 5 yards to the sideline. But we are going to make the tackle. You won’t be able to complete enough of those to move it down the field, and score.”

Special teams have had issues this season for Auburn, and this week’s gaffe was a high snap, and a subsequently blocked field goal attempt. I couldn’t find much fault, otherwise, there. Aiden Marshall is getting better and better each week, punting the football. Daniel Carlson continues to be a weapon on kickoffs, as well as extra points and field goals. We can’t blame a 21-point loss on one blocked field goal.

Meandering musings, after the jump!

On the defensive line, Auburn had uncharacteristic struggles. To neutralize the best edge pass rusher in the SEC, Georgia ran right at Auburn end Jeff Holland, and sent lots of blockers his way. Holland finished with 2 total tackles on the night, none for loss, no hurries, and no sacks. Also, with the flow of most run and pass plays to the sideline, this took inside Auburn men Russell, Brown and Williams out of the game as well.

I have to credit the Auburn linebackers for keeping Auburn in the ball game as long as they did. They were stuck trying to chase down NFL-level Georgia backs on the boundary, and for the most part, kept things in check. Auburn sorely missed having senior Tre’ Williams in the game, in the second half. Williams has been superb the past two seasons, at getting the Tiger front seven aligned.

The secondary become more and more shorthanded, as the game progressed. Top cornerback Carlton Davis could not go, in the second half, and Tray Matthews seemed limited. Matthews is a great redemption story. He was one of the defensive backs involved in Auburn’s famous 2013 “Miracle in Jordan Hare!” play that went for a 73-yard game-winning touchdown, as a Georgia Bulldog. Matthews transferred to Auburn, and has been quite a leader for the Tigers over the past 3 years. I feel like Matthews has turned his life around, and will be very successful at whatever he does, going forward.

It has been a rough year on special teams, this year. However, on SEC title day, this unit mostly came through, expect for the aforementioned blocked field goal.

Auburn’s offensive line faced a good Georgia front that had a renewed focus on effort. In my opinion, Auburn’s offensive line held their own. Georgia made it a point to have more guys in the box than the line could block. Auburn has made hay this season on running the ball despite a numbers disadvantage, but that was not happening this day, given running back injuries.

One of the most frustrating things about the past three seasons has been running back attrition. Auburn has gone though SO many guys. The coaching staff has done a great job getting talent into this position. And so many have gone down. Peyton Barber left early for the NFL. Roc Thomas transferred to Jax State. Jovon Robinson was booted from the team. Kamryn Pettway has spent parts of two years hurt. Kerryon Johnson has been in and out of the starting lineup. Kam Martin has been hurt, and limited. Auburn has had some great backs during the Malzhan era. Keeping them healthy and eligible has been a problem.

I can’t really blame the receivers at all, for the result in the SEC Title game. This time, they weren’t able to make a play, because the ball largely did not get to them. Still, I have to take my hats off to this group. They were the keystone cops, early in the season, with tons of dropped balls. Those dried up in November of this year, and this became a unit no one wanted to face. Auburn has a ton of talent coming back here, and the future is bright.

A lot was put on quarterback Jarrett Stidham in this game. He was asked not only to continue to blister a good Georgia defense, but he was also asked to win the game solely on his own arm, and scrambling ability. It is important to remember that Stidham is only in his first full year as a starter. I don’t think even Cam Newton or Pat Sullivan could have won this game, with the running back situation.

I was very, very worried in the aftermath of this game. We knew Arkansas was coming on a poaching run, and reportedly they offered coach Malzhan over 7 million dollars a year to come jump to Arkansas. I was VERY worried about what the Auburn administration would do (or not do), with lame-duck athletic director Jay Jacobs on his way out. We’ve been mighty frustrated, mad-as-hell and concerned about a real lack of transparency out of the administration this year.

I will make no secret of the fact that there are a lot of things I find irritating about how Gus Malzahn deals with the press, and dispenses information. We Auburn fans have been spoiled by past Auburn coaches like Pat Dye, Terry Bowden and Tommy Tuberville. Those guys would spit out one-liners like no one’s business. There was seldom any doubt about where they stood on this issue or that one, and they gave tons of feedback on what was happening with the program. Gus ain’t that guy!

Expectations are high, at Auburn. That’s a fact. When expectations aren’t met, Auburn folks do not meekly accept that. For better or worse, Auburn folks will complain loudly, and often. There is a tradition taught to all Auburn folks that one can work oneself out of all issues. That’s the answer, don’t accept mediocrity, and work through all issues. Coach Malzahn has run afoul of that philosophy a few times, and we certainly have seen a ton of calls for his head here in this space.

My take was that this is a very bad time to be looking for a new head coach in the SEC. Florida had to break the bank to get Dan Mullen, a guy who’s SEC record is currently 32 wins and 40 losses. Texas A&M has had to pony up $75 million over ten years to get Jimbo Fisher. Fisher wasn’t even top dog in the ACC, in recent years. Tennessee thus far has no takers, having been turned down by a dozen coaches. Think about that. Tennessee. A stadium that holds over 100,000 rabid fans, and has a ton of alumni with deep pockets, can’t find a coach willing to take the job.

For better or worse, head coach Gus Malzahn coordinated the best offense in Auburn history in 2010, and was part of a national title. As a head coach, he has won the SEC West twice in 5 years. Texas A&M, LSU, Arky, MSU, and Ole Miss have not. Lack of communication aside, Malzhan’s teams win consistently. We’ll never be happy with his post game pressers, but we have had tons of joy on the playing field. Malzahn has put together a string of top ten recruiting classes during his tenure, and looks to have another one lined up. Kudos to the Auburn admins for keeping him away from Arkansas, and back at Auburn for years to come. Us peanut-gallery types will gripe and complain every time Auburn loses a game over future seasons, but I hope everyone understands that we could do far, far worse. Here in this space, I’d like to thank coach Malzahn for the joy he’s brought to our Auburn hearts, and we are glad to have him back. It had to have been a difficult decision for him and his family.

The post Tigers Finish 2nd in the SEC. (Grading Auburn’s 28-7 loss to Georgia.) appeared first on Track 'Em Tigers, Auburn's oldest and most read independent blog.

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fic-dreamin · 7 years

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Entertaining conclusion to an offbeat, quirky story This, and the first book in this storyline, "A Dirty Job" are my two favorites out of the Christopher Moore books I own. You can't help but fall in love with little, foul-mouthed death-bringer, Sophie, her "goggie" companions, and her father Charlie Asher. I think the character development is what makes these two books so entertaining. The story is somewhat predictable, but in a good way. It is the characters and the quirkiness of the story that really draws you in. You end of bonding with the offbeat, quirky characters over the course of time (Charlie Asher, Sophie, Lily, Minty Fresh, Audrey). I still wonder why this has not been made into a movie...what a romp that would be. I haven't enjoyed reading fiction so much in a long time. When I finished the first book, I was so hoping there would someday be a sequel. When "Secondhand Souls" came out, I was overjoyed. So much so that I dove right in. Though a slow reader, I read more than half of it in a day. Then suddenly I slowed down, and put it down for a time, reading a few pages here and there. It was not because the story bogged down, but because I did not want to end the book so soon as I feared this would be the end of this story. So I finally finished and enjoyed every minute reading it. My one complaint would be that I could've used a few less sub-stories from the ghosts. and maybe more plot twists. Is this truly the end? Will we see these characters again in their own story, or will they pop up occasionally in other Moore stories? The ending seemed to wrap things up rather conclusively, though a door may have been left open. Either way, if you enjoyed "A Dirty Job", even though that book stands well on its own, you owe it to yourself to read this sequel. Go to Amazon

Good Read, wonderful characters, but pointless plot. I absolutely loved A Dirty Job, but after reading the sequel and thinking back, I realize that what I loved were the characters and their interactions. The overall story of that book, mirrored here is, big bad rises and is (spoilers) conveniently dispatched far too quickly near the end. That plot is kind-of pointless and unnecessary; it serves only as a framework in which we can view these characters. Its a novel, so it needs some over-aching story. I almost wish that Moore just wrote about his characters, mini-adventures, interaction - with no real grand story that brings them all together. Dont get me wrong, I really enjoyed this book and seeing everyone again, but the few parts that pulled me out of this world and seemed like they just didn't fit, was the big-bad and the related plot - it seemed tacked on. Moore wrote the continuing story of our favorite characters and was like... hmm, I need some reason that they're all together. My point - read it and enjoy it, but ignore the pointless plot. Go to Amazon

Moore back in fine form! For me, at least, this book tells me that Christopher Moore is back. I first discovered Moore's work with A Dirty Job and loved it so much, I read his entire back catalog as fast as I could and loved every one. Moving forward, I liked his Fool Pocket books OK, but Sacre Bleu just didn't do it for me. I just couldn't get invested in the characters as I had with Moore's other books. With Secondhand Souls, we're back with the characters from A Dirty Job, and I loved reconnecting with these folks. While I understand some of the criticism of other readers about the plot being superfluous, the denouement too quick and easy, I still enjoyed this tale more than most any other book I've read recently. Moore's humor and snark are back in top form here, and spending some time with these characters I love was a real pleasure. Great read. As usual with Moore's books, I was disappointed when it ended. Hoping for more with this great cast of characters. We need to find out what happens with Sophie! Go to Amazon

Like Slipping on a Comfy Pair of Shoes As much as I have liked Moore’s last couple of books, they felt like he was a little out of his element. I also don’t like the Pocket character too much. So I am glad that Moore came back to his spooky version of the Bay, which seems like his home in this line of books and the You Suck part. It is his home, so I guess that makes sense. Go to Amazon

'Secondhand Souls' is 1st-rate!! I luv Christopher Moore's books including this one 'Secondhand Souls'. The storylines are weird but Fun & ditto on the characters. This plot is a follow-up to another of his books 'Dirty Job' & takes place in San Francisco [capital of weird ;-] ]. It's about Hellish creatures called the 'Morrigan' & others that are trying to takeover human-souls stored in jars in Minty Fresh's antique store. Minty is a 7' 260 lb guy dressed all in Green. Charlie Asher, protagonist, is trying to fight these demons w/the help of 2 lesbians, squirrel-people and his 7 yr old daughter who's the Queen-of-the- Underworld and can take life by saying 'kitty.' Hilariously weird but Very Well-Written so it flows easily; because it's so hard to find good authors/plots I never want these books to stop!! Go to Amazon

Charlie Asher returns to human form A kicker from the wild Christopher Moore. This is the continuing saga of Charlie Asher, one of the designated collectors of dead souls--a tough job that must be done before dark forces claim the spirits. As ever, this Fowler book is thoughtfully off-the-wall with plenty of snappy dialogue and off-the-planet characters. Go to Amazon

A fun book to read Okay, first book was better Five Stars Eh... Book 2 Three Stars Good book Good book I've read all his books and have never been disappointed. His quirky These are so great!

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junker-town · 7 years

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Oklahoma State might be the most fun football team on the planet. That’s ... good and bad.

Defense will determine whether this is a Playoff contender or an explosive team with a suddenly interesting head coach.

This preview originally published May 23 and has since been updated.

For coaches, media season begins each July. That’s when the Media Days gatherings are initiated, the words “Bristol Car Wash” become an ESPN term everybody accepts, and coaches show up on your television again.

For the most part, these coaches look the same as they did. Creating a personal style is down the list of head coach priorities, behind things like “calling 17-year-olds at midnight, the moment a dead period ends,” “giving the proper fake smile to that one booster who knows what you need to do to fix your offense,” and “judging the latest edit on the season ticket hype video.”

“Typically” doesn’t mean “always,” however.

Long story short, Mike Gundy reappeared in the public eye last July sporting the beginnings of a mullet. By the end of the season, it had taken glorious form. And so far this offseason, he has donned a singlet for the OSU wrestling team and gone rattlesnake hunting during the OSU basketball team’s NCAA Tournament game.

After years of keeping it pent up and out of the public eye, Gundy is letting his Okie freak flag fly. And it’s rubbing off on his team.

Last fall, six FBS offenses racked up fewer than four passes of 40-plus yards: Army, BYU, Minnesota, San Diego State, Wisconsin, and Tulane. Five of these teams went to bowl games, one won its conference (SDSU), and another won its division (Wisconsin). Long bombs aren’t a requisite for success, but they were are fun.

Oklahoma State, meanwhile, had four passes of 80-plus yards.

Since 2010, only one other FBS team had done that (2014 Washington State). Two of OSU’s came in maybe the most underrated-ly crazy game of the season, a 45-38 win over Pitt; the Cowboys scored on a 91-yard bomb 16 seconds in, then set up the game-winner with an 86-yard bomb in the last two minutes.

Quarterback Mason Rudolph throws a lovely deep ball, and Gundy and coordinator Mike Yurcich have elected to use it. In 2015, Rudolph averaged 14.3 yards per completion with a 62 percent completion rate and a 2.1 percent interception rate. In 2016, Rudolph averaged 14.4 per completion, completed 63 percent, and threw just four picks all year, an INT rate of 0.9 percent.

“Screw it, we’re going deep” is the most enjoyable philosophy possible, especially if you have no rooting interest in the outcome. It’s going to be a massive success or a massive failure, and either way, explosions are fun. But for OSU in 2016, it was mostly successful. The Pokes ranked in the Off. S&P+ top 10 for the first time since 2012 and won at least 10 games for the fifth time in seven years.

After a slow start — sandwiching the win over Pitt were a 35-24 loss at Baylor and a 30-27 “loss” to Central Michigan that left OSU 2-2 — the Pokes ignited. They ripped off a seven-game streak, scoring at least 37 in six of those games and allowing 20 or fewer in three. And following a 38-20 loss at Oklahoma in the Big 12’s de facto championship, they responded by destroying Pac-12 runner-up Colorado, 38-8, in the Alamo Bowl.

The defense was up and down, but the offense just kept getting better. The Cowboys averaged 5.8 yards per play in their first four games, 6.4 in their next four, and 7.8 in their last five.

Those early bombs forced safeties to play really deep, and the emergence of freshman running back Justice Hill and senior Chris Carson (combined average: 212.5 rushing yards per game and 7.1 yards per carry over the final four games) created the ultimate pick-your-poison situation.

After years of seeing his name linked to other jobs, Gundy spent 2016 acting like a professor with tenure, like a man comfortable with who he is and what he wants his team to be. And while he has a couple of weapons to replace — Carson, Seales, and all-conference tackle Victor Salako — he has as many proven weapons returning as anyone. Rudolph, Washington, and Hill are back. So are junior possession receiver Jalen McCleskey and Marcell Ateman, who averaged 17 yards per catch in 2015. This is a terrifying offense.

Unfortunately, the Pokes have to play defense, too. That’s been an issue. After surging to ninth in Def. S&P+ in 2013, Glenn Spencer’s unit has ranked 76th, 70th, and 67th the last three years. And now the Cowboys have to replace four of their top six defensive backs and two of their top three running backs.

With this offense, it won’t take an incredible defense to make OSU a Big 12 contender, but it will probably take a top-50 performance. That’s far from a given.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Mike Gundy

2016 in review

2016 OSU statistical profile.

OSU’s 2016 took on a similar shape to its 2013; that year, the Pokes lost to four-win West Virginia early on and looked only alright in wins over Kansas State and TCU. But they scored at least 38 points in five straight games, obliterated undefeated Baylor on national television, and reached the Cotton Bowl on the power of a seven-game streak.

Granted, that 2013 team had a good defense. But the flow of the season was nearly identical.

First 4 games (2-2): Avg. percentile performance: 56% (~top 55) | Avg. score: OSU 39, Opp 28 (plus-11) | Avg. yards per play: Opp 6.0, OSU 5.8 (minus-0.2)

Next 4 games (4-0): Avg. percentile performance: 68% (~top 40) | Avg. score: OSU 42, Opp 26 (plus-16) | Avg. yards per play: OSU 6.4, Opp 5.9 (plus-0.5)

Last 5 games (4-1): Avg. percentile performance: 78% (~top 30) | Avg. score: OSU 35, Opp 27 (plus-8) | Avg. yards per play: OSU 7.8 Opp 5.9 (plus-1.9)

The offense trended upward, and the defense stayed almost exactly the same. When the Pokes scored 30 points, they won. When they didn’t, they lost.

Offense

Full advanced stats glossary.

The OSU offense occasionally falls apart and has to get put back together. In 2009, after two seasons in the Off. S&P+ top five, the Pokes fell to 48th. And after ranking fifth, first, eighth, and 20th from 2010-13, they plummeted to 78th in 2014.

In 2015, Rudolph took over, and the passing game flourished. OSU ranked 18th in Passing S&P+ but was held back by a miserable run game (114th in Rushing S&P+). Midway through 2016, the run game found its place again.

It took a little while. Rennie Childs struggled all year, and Carson missed a few games early in the season. But Carson and Hill formed quite the thunder-and-lightning pair late, and after a couple of shaky seasons, the OSU line began to look like the line of the early 2010s.

This isn’t an “Every contributor returns!” situation, but enough do. Up front, left tackle Victor Salako is gone, but he’ll likely be replaced by 6’8 Cal transfer Aaron Cochran, who started 16 games for the Golden Bears. Three other seniors should grace the lineup, along with guard Marcus Keyes, who was honorable mention all-conference as a freshman.

That will make Hill’s job pretty easy. The mid-three-star sophomore combined decent efficiency with some big-play pop, and with him next to Rudolph in the backfield, the OSU run game should take advantage of defenses distracted by the threat of the deep ball. There’s concern if Hill goes down — Carson, Childs, and Barry J. Sanders are gone, and the backup will likely be a true freshman (Chuba Hubbard) — but at worst, the Pokes will be able to lean on one of the nation’s best passing attacks.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Justice Hill

Mason Rudolph's TD to INT ratio in 2016: 28 to 4! That's insane for any number of reasons.

The 28 touchdowns were in the nation's top 20.

Rudolph was the only QB to throw more than 400 passes and fewer than five picks. Hell, only one other did that in 300 passes (WMU's Zach Terrell).

He was also one of only 10 qualifying quarterback to average at least 9 yards per pass.

Two of the interceptions happened in one game! Kansas State picked him off twice in a game in which he otherwise completed 29 passes for 457 yards, five touchdowns, and a 210.2 passer rating.

You're just not supposed to be able to throw this aggressively while remaining this mistake-free. You’re not supposed to be able to do it after losing one of your best receivers to injury before the season. Marcell Ateman sat out the year with a foot issue; he averaged 17 yards per catch with a 64 percent catch rate in 2015, and he’s back. So, too, is maybe the most fun receiver in the country.

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Over his last 22 games, James Washington has posted at least 100 receiving yards in 11. Against Texas Tech in back-to-back weeks in 2015, he caught nine passes for 384 yards. He caught nine for 296 against Pitt last September. He had nine for 171 in the bowl romp over Colorado and its awesome secondary.

OSU’s passing game slowed down over the last two weeks of the regular season — Rudolph completed just 28 of 59 passes with one touchdown against TCU and Oklahoma — but the Pokes still scored 51 points in those contests because the run game had also perked up. Ateman’s return and the addition of LSU transfer and former blue-chipper Tyron Johnson make this pass attack even more explosive, but the efficiency aspect could still use some work at times. That’s where possession options like McCleskey and Chris Lacy come into play.

Being able to throw the deep ball like this opens up so many other options. By the end of the season, Yurcich was exploring all of them. He should have a lot of fun pulling the strings this fall. As long as Hill doesn’t get hurt, anyway.

Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports

Marcell Ateman

Defense

Gundy has no problem taking risks. In 2013, he had to replace offensive coordinator Todd Monken, who had taken the Southern Miss head coaching job; he ended up choosing Shippensburg OC Mike Yurcich because of stats he found online. That same offseason, he replaced seasoned defensive coordinator Bill Young after four straight seasons of good, but not good enough, defense.

OSU had ranked between 20th and 43rd in Def. S&P+ from 2009-12, but Gundy was aiming higher. He promoted Glenn Spencer from LBs coach, and a more aggressive defense surged to ninth. Great move!

The next year, OSU fell out of the top 60. The Pokes have yet to return.

The individual talent has still been there to some degree, but the product has been lacking. And while the Pokes were aggressive against the run last year — 22nd in stuff rate, 12th in power success rate — they were also flexible against the pass. Opponents’ passing success rate was 46.2 percent (115th in FBS), their completion rate 61 percent (92nd).

OSU was just about as good as ever on passing downs (23rd in PD S&P+) but awful at forcing them (86th in Standard Downs S&P+). And now the Pokes have to replace a lot of last year’s most productive players, including a pair of defensive tackles (Vincent Taylor and Motekiai Maile) who combined for a lot of that disruption. [Update: Latu Maile, Motekiai’s 300-pound brother, is coming over from the JUCO ranks.]

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Tralund Webber

If junior tackle Darrion Daniels begins to prove his four-star recruiting ranking, that will solve one problem. OSU has a nice set of ends in Cole Walterscheid, Jarrell Owens, and Tralund Webber (combined: 20 TFLs, 10.5 sacks), and senior tackle DeQuinton Osborne is an all-or-nothing force in the middle — 5.5 of his 11 tackles were behind the line. But Daniels will be counted on for down-to-down consistency.

If the tackles hold up, then middle linebacker Chad Whitener should be capable of cleaning up in the tackles department, and I’m not too worried about the Cowboys having to lean on career backups like Justin Phillips and Kenneth Edison-McGruder or youngsters like Kevin Henry or Calvin Bundage at linebacker.

I do have a few concerns about the secondary, though. Granted, replacing pieces of an iffy unit isn’t as scary as replacing All-Americans, but this was a shaky secondary with safety Jordan Sterns and corners Lenzy Pipkins and Ashton Lampkin.

The safety position, guided by seniors Ramon Richards and Tre Flowers, is probably fine. But OSU will desperately need Clemson transfer Adrian Baker to dominate from the get-go. And even if that comes to pass, the Pokes will still be ultra green at the other corner spot(s), likely relying on unproven options like sophomores Madre Harper and A.J. Green or a career reserve like Darius Curry. Maybe new blood brings new energy. Or maybe this is the biggest question mark on the OSU defense for a second year in a row.

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Adrian Baker

Special Teams

Even with a dreadfully inefficient pass defense (in a pass-heavy conference), the combination offensive firepower and a couple of huge legs nearly made Oklahoma State the best field position team in the country last year. The Cowboys’ average starting field position was 8.8 yards better than their opponents’; only Michigan (plus-9.1) could top that.

The legs are back. Zach Sinor averaged 42.8 yards per punt, and only 16 of his 56 punts were returnable. Better yet, those 16 returns netted a total of 15 yards. Meanwhile, nearly half of Matt Ammendola’s kickoffs resulted in touchbacks, and opponents averaged only 17.9 yards per return (13th in FBS) on the others. Sinor’s a junior, and Ammendola’s a sophomore, so this isn’t going to change for a while.

(It would help if Ammendola is as effective in the place-kicking department. He likely takes over for Ben Grogan this year.)

2017 outlook

2017 Schedule & Projection Factors

Date Opponent Proj. S&P+ Rk Proj. Margin Win Probability 2-Sep Tulsa 77 17.8 85% 9-Sep at South Alabama 108 21.6 89% 16-Sep at Pittsburgh 33 2.4 56% 23-Sep TCU 21 2.3 55% 30-Sep at Texas Tech 66 8.0 68% 14-Oct Baylor 28 6.2 64% 21-Oct at Texas 16 -4.5 40% 28-Oct at West Virginia 69 9.6 71% 4-Nov Oklahoma 5 -7.6 33% 11-Nov at Iowa State 57 6.8 65% 18-Nov Kansas State 35 7.8 67% 25-Nov Kansas 107 26.4 94%

Projected S&P+ Rk 22 Proj. Off. / Def. Rk 3 / 69 Projected wins 7.9 Five-Year S&P+ Rk 9.9 (25) 2- and 5-Year Recruiting Rk 40 / 36 2016 TO Margin / Adj. TO Margin* 11 / 8.5 2016 TO Luck/Game +1.0 Returning Production (Off. / Def.) 67% (78%, 56%) 2016 Second-order wins (difference) 9.3 (0.7)

Engage in a shootout with the Cowboys at your own risk. As constituted (i.e. without taking potential injuries into account), this is a top-five offense. I have concerns about running back depth, but you never know how, when, or where a team’s depth will be tested.

Combining an elite offense with powerful field position weapons in special teams gives you the makings of a Big 12 contender. But the defense has to figure out a way to improve despite turnover at defensive tackle, outside linebacker, and cornerback.

OSU was ninth in Off. S&P+ and 67th in Def. S&P+ a year ago; the Cowboys are projected third and 69th, respectively, this fall. Make that more like third and 50th, and that potentially makes them a favorite in 11 of 12 games this fall. There are plenty of challenges — trips to Pitt, Texas, West Virginia, Iowa State, and Texas Tech, plus visits from Tulsa, Oklahoma, TCU, etc. — but OSU can go blow for blow with anybody on the schedule. A small handful of stops could be the difference between 8-4 and 11-1.

Team preview stats

All power conference preview data to date.

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junker-town · 7 years

Text

Oklahoma State might be the most fun football team on the planet. That’s ... good and bad.

Defense will determine whether this is a Playoff contender or an explosive team with a suddenly interesting head coach.

“Typically” doesn’t mean “always,” however.

After years of keeping it pent up and out of the public eye, Gundy is letting his Okie freak flag fly. And it’s rubbing off on his team.

Oklahoma State, meanwhile, had four passes of 80-plus yards.

The defense was up and down, but the offense just kept getting better. The Cowboys averaged 5.8 yards per play in their first four games, 6.4 in their next four, and 7.8 in their last five.

With this offense, it won’t take an incredible defense to make OSU a Big 12 contender, but it will probably take a top-50 performance. That’s far from a given.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Mike Gundy

2016 in review

2016 OSU statistical profile.

Granted, that 2013 team had a good defense. But the flow of the season was nearly identical.

First 4 games (2-2): Avg. percentile performance: 56% (~top 55) | Avg. score: OSU 39, Opp 28 (plus-11) | Avg. yards per play: Opp 6.0, OSU 5.8 (minus-0.2)

Next 4 games (4-0): Avg. percentile performance: 68% (~top 40) | Avg. score: OSU 42, Opp 26 (plus-16) | Avg. yards per play: OSU 6.4, Opp 5.9 (plus-0.5)

Last 5 games (4-1): Avg. percentile performance: 78% (~top 30) | Avg. score: OSU 35, Opp 27 (plus-8) | Avg. yards per play: OSU 7.8 Opp 5.9 (plus-1.9)

The offense trended upward, and the defense stayed almost exactly the same. When the Pokes scored 30 points, they won. When they didn’t, they lost.

Offense

Full advanced stats glossary.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Justice Hill

Mason Rudolph's TD to INT ratio in 2016: 28 to 4! That's insane for any number of reasons.

The 28 touchdowns were in the nation's top 20.

Rudolph was the only QB to throw more than 400 passes and fewer than five picks. Hell, only one other did that in 300 passes (WMU's Zach Terrell).

He was also one of only 10 qualifying quarterback to average at least 9 yards per pass.

Two of the interceptions happened in one game! Kansas State picked him off twice in a game in which he otherwise completed 29 passes for 457 yards, five touchdowns, and a 210.2 passer rating.

youtube

Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports

Marcell Ateman

Defense

OSU had ranked between 20th and 43rd in Def. S&P+ from 2009-12, but Gundy was aiming higher. He promoted Glenn Spencer from LBs coach, and a more aggressive defense surged to ninth. Great move!

The next year, OSU fell out of the top 60. The Pokes have yet to return.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Tralund Webber

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

Adrian Baker

Special Teams

(It would help if Ammendola is as effective in the place-kicking department. He likely takes over for Ben Grogan this year.)

2017 outlook

2017 Schedule & Projection Factors

Team preview stats

All preview data to date.

0 notes