#or auditory hallucinations. i get those sometimes

[imtotallyokandnormal]

》☆MY CREEPYPASTA AU LORE!!!☆《

Howdy! So I mentioned that I was making my own creepypasta au, and I wanna share the lore I have so far! This post will be a collection of a few things I've thought of, I'll try organizing it as best as I can! :>

(Hopefully this isn't too similar to anyone else's au, if it is then it wasn't intentional!)

》☆The Operator☆《

Ok let's start off with the tall guy. Slenderman is still a very big part of my au, but it's primarily referred to as The Operator or The Boss (and is referred to with he/him or it/its pronouns by the creeps, it doesn't care about what pronouns are used though). It is less of a physical entity and more of something that infects your mind like a parasite. However, it can manifest a physical body and interact with the world around it, though it takes effort to do so. Nobody knows its motive or origins, just that it appeared one day and decided not to ever leave.

The Operator communicates with the proxies through hallucinations, mostly auditory and visual ones but sometimes it uses a proxy's other senses to get a specific message across. This means the hallucinations can range from small annoyances (like making you see and hear faint static in the middle of doing something, or making you see him standing in the corner) to large horrible experiences (like making you live in an actual nightmare and overloading/depriving your senses). These larger-scale hallucinations are usually only done in The Manor because The Operator uses its abilities best in an environment it fully controls. However, this doesn't mean it's impossible for The Operator to give someone those hallucinations on earth, it just takes more effort. It can also implant words and phrases into a proxy's mind as a message ("bring Toby, foyer" or "get back downstairs"). These aren't usually accompanied by a voice or have fully visual appearances, they just form as thoughts in someone's head. However, if a proxy seems to respond better to these messages with different sensory cues then The Operator will use them.

The Operator seems far less critical with children or beings that are similar to children. This includes Ben and Sally, since they died at young ages. With older teenagers and adults, it treats them more harshly. Then again, this depends on how well they listen to The Operator, naturally ones who listen better are given more privileges.

》☆The Manor☆《

The creeps live in a manor in the woods, however it is less of an actual landmark on earth and more of a liminal-space or dream-like reality outside of earth. I don't wanna get too detailed about this because i feel like the mystery is more appealing, but I'll explain the basics. So The Operator can alter reality for one or multiple people, mentally and/or physically. It can seemingly create places that are outside the limits of earth, and somehow trap them inside of them. The Manor is a place it created where it can better manage and control its proxies. It is unknown how many worlds it created, or how they exactly work.

The entirety of the world The Operator made is called The Manor by the proxies. This is because the manor itself is the only structure in the world, the rest of it consisting of an endless expanse of forest and fog.

The inside of the building has practically endless amounts of rooms and doesn't always have a consistent floor plan. Some rooms are kept in the same places most of the time, like the foyer and the stairwell leading to the second floor, but other rooms sometimes inexplicably change places. Some proxies decided to make things easier by marking the door to any room that changes places more than once (by, for example, labeling a bathroom "downstairs shitter" by carving it into the door). Going through some doors can lead to new unfamiliar rooms, sometimes to the interior of entirely different buildings. It can be easy to get lost, but The Operator will know where any lost proxies are and can bring them back anytime. Sometimes though, it lets them stay lost and freaked out for a while.

Time doesn't visibly pass in The Manor, as there is no visible rise or fall of any sun and there's absolutely no night. However, the creeps can still tell time throught the clocks on things like phones and watches.

》☆The Proxies☆《

All creeps are referred to as proxies, as they are basically extentions of The Operator. However, some proxies (cough cough Jeff cough) don't like to listen to The Operator, and therefore aren't as trusted to do certain tasks. But then again, this means he is trapped with more mental anguish due to The Operator's mind-fuckery.

Some proxies primarily live inside The Manor while others are allowed to live outside of it on earth. If a proxy does well and meets The Operator's standards, they're allowed to live in their own place on earth. They can have a regular job and live almost a completely normal life, with social connections and interactions with things they miss about their old life. However, they're expected to drop anything and everything if The Operator says so, even if it means losing whatever they've gained in the process. Other proxies (cough cough JEFF- cough wheeze) are kept in The Manor because The Operator thinks they'll try to escape the range of its influence. To be fair, they probably would. New proxies are also kept in The Manor until they learn how to acclimate to their new life and not try to run away.

The Operator is referred to as Slenderman or Slendy by the proxies as an informal title, usually meant as a jab at The Operator for how it usually manifests as a tall skinny white guy in a suit for indiscernible reasons.

A lot of the proxies are human, but there are also proxies that don't seem to entirely come from earth. At least, they aren't as bound to earth constraints as human proxies are. One example would be Laughing Jack, who has abilities like stretching and bending and changing size to impossible proportions that humans can't replicate. There's also Ben and Sally, being ghosts, and EJ being a demonic creature. Nobody knows exactly where the nonhuman proxies came from or formed, and they'll usually answer in vague responses if you ask.

Here's info on some of the proxies!! Feel free to send an ask if you wanna know more! :>

#normal headcanons! #normal aus! #creepypasta #creepypasta slenderman #slenderman #the operator #marble hornets #creepypasta x you #creepypasta x reader #marble hornets x you #marble hornets x reader #slenderverse #jeff the killer #ben drowned #toby rogers #masky marble hornets #tim wright #hoodie marble hornets #brian thomas #eyeless jack #laughing jack #sally williams #jane the killer #nina the killer #clockwork #kate the chaser

[angelzai]

love/paranoia

i've heard those words before

wc: 1.6k

cw: drug use (xanax, ecstacy), bonten!sanzu, gn!reader, angst and fluff, mentions of sex, side effects of drug use including but not limited to vomiting/nightmares/irritability/memory loss, soft sanzu

reid: another one with a lot of projection regarding drugs. not intended to romanticize substance abuse. dont do drugs please. no explicit sexual content in this one i guess but i'd still prefer mdni thank u enjoy

. . . .ᐟ

He insisted that rolling would help it, and before you could oppose the intake of another substance, he revealed he’d already cut up a whole capsule and parachuted it before he drove back. You wanted so badly to cry and scream and hold onto him to make him feel how intensely you were trembling, but it wasn’t like he’d be receptive enough to an outburst to learn from it anyway, so you didn’t bother. Also too was the soft, sudden stillness of his restless eyes as soon as yours started to glaze over with tears (you hated when he drove fucked up). Gentleness never escaped his hands when he held you, no matter how high he was – maybe this was an indication that you were too docile, too understanding, maybe even enabling of his habits – but you never let his capability slip your mind. How exhausting it sometimes was to love someone who, no matter how receptive to your emotions, might become unpredictably far away from you, just for a bar or two. Instead of pushing him away or looking at him with misplaced disappointment, though, you brushed his pink bangs out of his eyes and led him to the couch, working him out of his dress shirt and belt along the way. After all, you knew better than anyone around him (not saying much) that recovery was not linear.

Cherry blossom locks now tucked into your neck, you stroked his face and willed him to relax the muscles in his jaw that clenched and unclenched against your shoulder. He whimpered every so often and seldom kept his legs still, probably not consciously. The conversation that was to follow in the morning probably would not be any easier than if it took place now because the it he was trying to help was the month-long Xanax bender he’d been on; even when he was sober, he was making an effort to focus on anything other than whatever physical side effect was fighting relentlessly for his attention, whether it be a splitting headache, curdling nausea, or auditory hallucinations that he could no longer distinguish as results of whatever he’d fed himself or the erratic loss of sleep. Benzos sent him up so high that he couldn’t really even recall how they made him feel. He knew two things: that the crippling emptiness was gone when he was up there, and that his being up there rapid-fired bullets through your heart. A third thing, perhaps: if you loved him any less, you’d be gone.

There were still glimpses of Haruchiyo, no matter how high or low. Haruchiyo, ever the chaser of extremes. Haruchiyo and his unwavering loyalty. Haruchiyo and his promise to himself that he would never, ever harm you. Not intentionally, of course. And yet, it would still be hard. He would still cry and bicker and argue, even in the closest thing to a right state of mind he could achieve. He would still lock himself in the bathroom (which you had emptied of everything down to the gummy vitamins) because he couldn’t deal with it. He would still complain when you’d pat his clothes down before he’d go out, both of you knowing damn well he’d score something, anything while he was gone. But he’d never tell you to stop. He’d never get physical with you like he did the rats and snakes and opposers of the syndicate or anyone who wasn’t you or the king who dared to get within a foot of him, really. He could be violently passionate without drugs; it was just a matter of which way he wanted to lose his grip on sanity, fry his brain. Sink into the mental of a cold-hearted murderer, or become a bioweapon against his own body and mind? Perhaps, he thought during fleeting moments of clarity before he’d wonder who he could hit up next, he was worse than both and always would be, even if he got clean, because he let himself slip to the point where both were very viable, uncomfortably pressing futures. Maybe they were realities already, and it was only a matter of time before they caught up to him in his muddled awareness and swallowed him whole. In an ideal world, he’d be able to leave Mikey and the rest of them to burn and go kill himself with you using nothing but red wine and the adoration that burned between the two of you. His penchant for destruction terrified him; you were the only thing he’d ever touched without yet ruining completely. The thought that you might be scared of him too was what made him want out; if only it were that easy to just do. You weren’t blind to this, having stood witness to the cracks in his mask, and each time they split a little further, and that was why you did your best to understand his rationale for popping molly to counteract the benzo hangover.

There was a glimpse of Haruchiyo in the way he clawed for your hand that rested on his cheek. In the way he shoved his lips to your palm. In the way he mumbled something largely incoherent into it (something he did long before he started using). (You caught “want you to know” and “after today” and “love you very, very much”.) Regardless of the gravity of the situation or what he had coursing through his system, you’d always giggle into his hair and tell him you love him back.

He didn’t not want your love. He was pretty sure he needed it. He was not convinced he deserved it.

Not when you were holding his hair back as he vomited into the kitchen sink. Not when you were massaging the ache of pins and needles out of his limbs. Not when you were kissing the tear tracks off his face in the middle of the night to wake him up slowly but surely from the delirious night terrors he was having. He thanked whatever was conducting the universe that he was still rational enough to recognize how wonderful you were. He looked at you like you could soothe even the worst of all evils borne of human selfishness. Oh, you were so selfless for him. He hated it, he needed it, and it was undoubtedly the reason he was still alive.

“Haru,” wisped your voice into his ear, and if it was possible for him to sink further into you, he would’ve.

He hummed in response.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

But the drone and flicker of the television in the dark living room was at just the right amount of subdued to feel serene and he was so warm in your arms already, so why move? It's not like he'd even gotten home that long ago. The only other thing he hoped for was maybe that you’d fuck him; sex always felt otherworldly when he was rolling, and he knew the sounds you loved left his throat that much more languidly when he was on E. And then he could sleep off the comedown - it'd be perfect. It was these thoughts that let you shift him to his feet. Never at any point did he unravel himself from you, knees knocking into yours, arms clutched sweetly around whatever part of you he could get a hold on, cheek pressed to your head or face or shoulder or wherever you'd let him end up.

"'M'want you," Haruchiyo all but whined as you pulled a t-shirt over him and wiggled him out of his pants. The clock by the bed blinked half-past three am, so it was true he had indeed arrived back home over two hours ago. It was also true that ecstasy claimed his time in a different way than anything else. You didn't help. Every second he spent with you was too short. All too soon he'd have to leave again.

"You should sleep," you shushed him, gently dodging the wet kisses he attempted at the expanse of your neck as you leaned back down to hold him close. At least he was still upright. "You have work tomorrow."

"Don't care. 'Always get it done, don' I?" His voice was a little hoarse, his breath smelled vaguely of one of the Dunhill International Reds Ran always kept inside his jacket, and you could sense his pout from beneath your chin as his arms dangled loosely around you. "Wanna feel you."

"Tomorrow," you said with finality.

He groaned. His lips were still wandering, his tongue was still prodding at your jugular, but with notable laziness. The cooling distress in your system had exhausted you anyway, and he was not unfamiliar with the sensation of you seeping into him. So, he let you melt into him and push him back gently, not even toward the head of the bed. (He didn’t realize, of course; he was just happy to be laying under you as he rolled to a stop.)

Love you, love you, love you was pressed repeatedly into your skin with his slowing fingers. Love you would be all he could think to say when he'd find his way to the kitchen the next morning to see you sitting at the counter, carefully cutting up a bar into tiny pieces for him to gradually chase off the withdrawal. You were better rehab for him than any institution Kakucho could threaten to throw him in. As much as he knew you hated to watch him destroy himself, you understood. There was a glimpse of Haruchiyo when he scooted his chair impossibly close to yours just to lay his head on your shoulder.

"Don't even want any right now."

You smiled to yourself. You will soon. "I'm proud of you, my love." Yeah, he was going to get better for you. For you, for you, for you. You loved him so much it made him want to love himself.

#tokyo revengers x reader #sanzu x reader #sanzu haruchiyo x reader #tr x reader #tokyo rev x reader #angelzai original.ᐟ

[pisscrossiant]

Part two of my dragon age: origins headcanons because It's my current hyperfixation 😋

I'm honestly just writing these down here when I think of em

Oghren will stop doing whatever he's doing if he sees the Warden just to wave at them like a goof, he could be in the middle of fighting for his life and he stops to wave to them.

Morrigan can go MONTHS without bathing and look exactly the same as she did the last time she took a bath. She doesn't smell either she smells like roses 24/7 and no one knows how she doesn't smell after not bathing for like three months.

Leliana puts ribbons around her boots to make them prettier

Zevran tends to linger behind the party when walking somewhere just so he can stare at their asses without it being obvious.

Alistair keeps cheese in his pockets at all times, he has like three big ass cheese wheels in his tent at camp so he will take little pieces of cheese off the wheels and put them in his pocket so he has a snack later.

Wynne cooks the most out of everyone, she always takes requests from the party members so she can make them their favorite dishes for dinner so they can enjoy something during the blight.

Leliana often has auditory hallucinations and the most common one she has is of a woman screaming bloody murder, she'll jump a bit and if no one reacts to it she just carries on with what she's doing while waiting for it to stop.

Alistair has insomnia most of the time when he's "sleeping" he just lays in his bed roll and waits for sun rise, sometimes he'll talk to Zevran or Leliana if they get up before everyone else.

Zevran has Paranoia and has visual hallucinations, though they don't happen all that often, they still freak him out. He mostly see's shadow people which freaks him out alot because he thinks they could be assassins, watching him.

Oghren will pass out sometimes from his drunkenness, thankfully this doesn't happen during fights.

After Zevran got mad at the warden saying "there are other things to do besides me, go do those." The Warden gets upset and goes to sit by their tent and shale see's this and tries comforting them by saying "Would you like me to crush the painted elf" which actually does make the warden feel better.

Zevran and Leliana are polyamorous and wouldn't mind being in a poly relationship.

Leliana has a FAT crush on Morrigan, even if the warden romances her she can't help but fall for the tall lesbian.

Zevran has a crush on Sten, not in a romantic sense but more so he's attracted to him because Zev loves tall people.

Alistair is a bisexual in denial, he thinks he's straight but when he sees men without shirts on he gets all flustered.

Wynne reads 24/7 and she reads smut. Like hardcore smut. She reads it with a straight face.

Once Alistair asked what she was reading and she handed him the book to read the synopsis outloud and he became so embarrassed about it, Zevran and Morrigan made fun of him for it for weeks, he still can't see Wynne the same way again.

Elfroot is like weed, that's why it's called Elfroot because ancient elves would smoke it.

Leliana will wash and style Zevran's hair for him, during his time with the crows he didn't get to have his hair all nice and clean and styled properly so he doesn't really know how to take care of it all to well, so Leliana does it for him.

Zevran gets jealous easily believe it or not, if he sees another person flirting with the warden he gets mad and will go up to the Warden and interrupt their conversation. At first when he doesn't realize he's fallen for the Warden he keeps thinking he's stupid for it and tries to ignore it.

Leliana doesn't have a tendency to get jealous but if someone is getting too touchy with the Warden she'll just stand behind the warden glaring at them to get them to back off.

Morrigan can be very possessive of the Warden even if the warden hasn't romanced her she still will be very possessive especially if the warden is around someone she doesn't like (like Alistair)

Alistair gets jealous but doesn't show it or anything he's more tame and doesn't act on it or anything.

Morrigan is a raging lesbian she has no romantic interest for men, the only time she'd even sleep with a man would be for her to have a child. But she doesn't try to pursue any romantic relationship with women due to her pushing the people she loves away.

Oghren misses Branka before she left him but is glad to be a part from her at the same time.

Shale pets your Mabari 24/7 she loves animals especially dogs

Zevran is very weary around dogs, there were stray dogs all around Antivia City and they'd attack a lot unprovoked, he's been attacked by them numerous times so he was of course nervous when joining the warden's party seeing they had not just a dog but a wardog. Over time though he grew to actually like the dog alot however.

Leliana is a cat person, she's fine with dogs but she loves cats. But if she did have to choose between a Nug and a Cat she'd ofc choose a Nug.

Alistair is a major dog person, when he was living with the Arl he would usually hang around the kennels rather then being around people. When he says "I was raised by dogs" he wasn't actually that far off.

Morrigan doesn't like Dogs or cats, she's a bird person. She only tolerates the wardens Mabari because she knows the warden loves him.

Oghren is actually fond of dogs believe it or not, he hates cats though he says "they're stuck up"

Sten doesn't have a preference between cats or dogs however he respects dogs alot more then he respects cats.

Wynne is a cat lady, like if the tower let her she'd have like 20 cats.

Alistair has elf ears but not like how full blooded elves have, half elves have small points to their ears, they look like human ears but have a point to them instead of being rounded fully.

Leliana has a tattoo of a sun on her right shoulder.

Zevran has tattoos all over similar to the ones on his face, but he also has a tramp stamp that says " amor ''

Morrigan at first meeting her has no tattoos, I mean where would she get them living in the wilds. Once she leaves though she does get a tattoo of a raven on her left arm.

Alistair got drunk and got a tattoo of a dragon on his back, he thought it was cool at first but now that he's having to fight dragons and the arch demon he hates it.

The circle doesn't let mage's have tattoos so Wynne doesn't have any.

Sten does not have any tattoos because the Qun does not allow it, he does put markings on his body with face paint however.

Oghren has a tattoo of two beer mugs clanking together in between his shoulder blades.

That's all for now I'm most likely gonna do another part because I actually like writing these it's just nice to do when I'm not doing anything. Also the first part did pretty well and got a decent amount of attraction so definitely gonna do more 🤭

Plus I love fueling the dragon age fandom I wish there was a lot more stuff ab it 😭

#dragon age origins #dragon age: origins #dao #dragon age #zevran arainai #alistair theirin #wynne dragon age #morrigan dragon age #leliana dragon age #oghren dragon age #sten dragon age #shale Dragon Age #dao headcanons #headcanons

[adrie-75014]

this tweet had me pulling out my favorite Penumbra Pod/Juno Steel quotes (I have a notes doc for quotes bc of course I do). I think I started writing them down starting in season 3. Anyways, here’s some that punch me in the heart every single time so you too can be punched in the heart again:

[mild spoilers]

(also it would warm my heart if people added their favorites to this)

BUDDY: “A legend is an old story, a dead thing. Frozen forever. And we are very much alive, still in motion. We must use that.” (S3E02, The Man in Glass)

---

DIRECTOR W: “You think you're some great hero for this, don't you?”

JUNO: “No. I think I did what I could and it was better than nothing.” (S4E25, the Blank Slate)

---

JET: “Because It changes the world to believe in someone, just a little. I choose to believe it, and I choose to believe that my belief changes the world.” (S3E25, What Lies Beyond)

---

BUDDY: “We must be careful not to fall too far out of date with the story about ourselves which we tell ourselves. It leaves you flinching from blows that never come… and blind to those that do.” (S3E21, What Lies Beyond)

---

JUNO: Self-loathing always arrives with bricks and with mortar, ready to build a wall that will keep anything good about you out and all of the self-hate packed tightly in. I wanted to tell him that he couldn't trust the feeling, that it lied, that I loved him and all of us loved him, and if he could only see that love he would never say he had no value again. (S4E24, the Blank Slate)

---

JUNO: You can’t think your way out of self destruction if you’re always self-destructing your train of thought. (S4E19, the Clean Break)

---

JUNO: If I learned anything during my time with the Aurinkos, it was this: there are very few battles in life that have to be one-on-one. (S4E25, the Blank Slate)

---

VESPA: “The hardest thing about “visual and auditory hallucinations,” like the medical handbook calls them, isn’t when you hallucinate a thousand spiders climbing out of the bathtub drain. It’s when the spiders are actually there — and you’re letting them crawl all over you cuz you think they’re just in your head. You can’t know what’s real, is my point. [...] What nobody gets, is the price that comes at — looking at everything and everyone through gauze, questioning every meal and word and kiss, because if you can’t trust your own goddamn eyes how are you supposed to know if anything you see is real?”

VESPA: “Sometimes it pays to be paranoid. That’s part of what makes quitting the habit so hard: because even if it only saves you one out of every thousand times, you spend the other nine hundred ninety-nine convinced this is the time that counts.”

(S3E09, Shadows on the Ship)

---

RITA: “I dunno Mr. Ransom, it seems pretty simple to me. If somebody tells you what they want you to call em, that’s what you call em. no matter what. Cuz I mean, you know yourself better than anyone, right?” (S3E14, Mega Ultrabots of Cyber Justice)

---

JUNO: Just because you miss something doesn’t mean you’re supposed to go back to it. (S3E21, What Lies Beyond)

#yes i am always self destructing my train of thought but i'm working on it #tpp spoilers #the penumbra podcast #penumbra podcast #juno steel #vespa ilkay #buddy aurinko #rita....rita lastname? #Jet Sikuliaq #director w

[exhausted-walking-disaster]

I am always on the fence on whether or not I actually experience psychosis or not. It's way too easy for me to be like, no I don't because I don't think I do and I'm likely overreacting but all it takes is some visual hallucinations and paranoia for me to question it all again.

I have been formally diagnosed schizoaffective before but I have been through the mental health system at various organizations over the years and in more recent years I try to explain and at the same time deny my symptoms when describing them to providers. Honestly they believe me and I no longer get diagnosed that way but I have no way of knowing if it's because I go to extreme lengths to avoid talking in detail about it or if I actually don't have schizoaffective. I did get an SMI determination in the past specifically because of suicidality and hallucinations I experienced but how do I know that the hallucinations count or are truly psychosis? I blame something neurological or wrong with my eyes when I vehemently deny having experienced hallucinations but it gets harder to believe as I have had them since I was 6 years old. I even went to the hospital for the hallucinations then yet I can't bring myself to admit I experience them at all.

The things I see are relatively tame most of the time yet I feel so much fear at others when I feel like it's too much and a sign of something I wish to pretend doesn't happen to me. It's like I sometimes want to experience them to confirm a schizospec disorder and sometimes I feel like I'm lying to everybody and they know that I am full of shit when I say I have schizoaffective since I feel like I don't actually have visual/auditory hallucinations and it just just be some other thing causing what I'm experiencing since it seems so hard to distinguish most of the time.

IDK, I used to skip sleeping for days to interact with the visual hallucinations instead and have seen things such as burning buildings that freaked me out or convinced myself aliens and ghosts(which I could see) were there to take me back from this world since I died so long ago and am constantly on the run from them to try to keep them from taking me back. This is a recurring theme that I some back to every few months yet I still can't bring myself to feel schizoaffective was a correct diagnosis and I have no way of telling if I actually experienced those symptoms or am faking it all somehow.

I can't look at the blinds in my room without setting off a ton of visual hallucinations so bad I start to not be able to see anything else yet it still feels like what if it's my eyes? What if it's a symptom of some neurological thing? I don't have psychosis and it's wishful thinking to say I do because secretly I'm trying to be special right? Save me from my brain slipping out of my head but that's just a migraine right? Issues with Wi-Fi means the government is trying to send FBI agents to take me away and they are just waiting to come in and arrest me right?I am seeing things that are not there about 75% of the time yet I know they aren't there really so I am faking it all right?

I can't even make sense of my thoughts as I type this but I don't think I have schizoaffective it's all a lie because I don't experience psychosis I only have Depression and ADHD diagnosis because I'm a huge liar and the doctors don't fight me on that because they know it's the truth. G-d it's so confusing and I don't think I'll ever fully understand or come to whatever the true answer is to this problem.

#psychosis #hallucinations #visual hallucinations #schizoaffective #schizospec #schizoaffective disorder #faking disorders #i don't believe myself #in denial #what is the truth? I no longer know

[moss-and-marimos]

Tmnt 2012 headcanons of mine/my designs for them:

Both donnie and Mikey have scars from their respective vivisection attempts, their brothers stopped it before it could get too far, but there’s still scarring around their collar bones and the top of their plastrons, they both comfort eachother about it, it’s one of the few things the other brothers can’t quite understand bc they didn’t experience it

Mikey still has residual electricity powers from that one part of s5(? If I’m remembering correctly), they’re just small ones but sometimes you can see lichtenburg figures on his fingers/hands before they fade

^ he has used this to make the toaster go wild on leo and the fridge spray water on donnie before

Donnie rarely sleeps in his actual bedroom, so when karai stays over that’s normally where she sleeps, but sometimes it’ll also serve as a room for april or Casey

April and leo are really close, she’s a much needed break from responsibilities sometimes and will take him to do human things like raves or parties or even just grocery shopping

Karai and leo are really close (/p) they understand the burden of being an oldest sibling and having the weight of the world put on you by your father

I do not care for 2012 splinter as a parent

Raph kinda took up the role of father like leo took up the role of mother a little bit, he helps organize the lair and actually really likes organizing stuff, just doesn’t when his siblings are around because it’s overwhelming (cough he’s autistic cough)

Leo uses mobility aids after his incident with shredder, normally forearm crutches, a cane, or on better days just a knee brace

All of them experience psychosis symptoms to some extent, leo probably has the most delusions, I think donnie would have a lot of auditory hallucinations, Raph would have a lot of tactile hallucinations, they all get a lot of paranoia but especially leo, they all try to hide their symptoms from the other because they don’t want to seem “weird” or “crazy”

Sometimes donnie will go to April if he’s having bad paranoia or just generally a bad time with his symptoms, she helps him calm down and do grounding exercises

Mikey and leo are actually really close and hang out a lot and talk about space heroes and other comics

Raph needs wrist braces

Raph is actually the cook of the household, he finds it calming and the routine is nice

Donnie still hates himself for not finding a way to turn Timothy human again yet

^ he made a fake note from Timothy and left it for Timothy’s mom

Like leo can’t be trusted with the toaster donnie isn’t trusted with the blender (this was probably Mikey’s doing)

Aprils eyes reflect in the dark and sometimes will glow, a lot of the time they turn pink/purple like the kraang

April can turn her fingers/arms into tentacles, she found this out pretty late in the show timeline and is trying to hide it from the turtles because she knows how much of a hard time they have with the kraang and she doesn’t want them to hate her

Probably all of them have BPD and are sensitive to rejection

Mikey in particular has cracks/scarring on his shell from getting attacked by slash

After everything with slash Raph is really careful what he tells chompy about his brothers

Raph and leo are both either transmasc or transfem, I’m a big fan of both of those headcanons so I kinda use them interchangeably some

When leo came out as aroace spec he was worried he wouldn’t be accepted, Raph was the first one to comfort him and would threaten to beat up anyone who was an asshole to leo

Raph has abandonment issues

Karai and leo will go stargazing, leo has a space special interest and his favorite constellation is the Big Dipper

The first time the turtles really clearly saw the night sky was at the farmhouse, all of them, especially leo, were in awe a little bit, Casey and april didn’t really get it bc they were used to seeing the stars and being out

It was also their first time seeing daylight so much so you better believe at least one of them got sunburnt

Mikey’s favorite activity at the farmhouse was cloud watching during the day, which leo would sometimes do with him

Leo’s favorite activity when he was recovering was stargazing, on occasion Mikey would join him, Raph always wanted to but was too anxious he would intrude

Donnie keeps special teabags for leo to help his throat after it got messed up from the fight with shredder

Leo can’t talk too loudly or too much or it’ll fuck up his vocal cords, sometimes he’ll push it and get yelled at by april and/or donnie about it

April can’t get salmonella bc she’s part kraang but the other humans can, once she gets mutated karai can’t either

April, Casey, Donnie, and Raph still have slightly extra pointed teeth from being turned into vampires

Multiple times Mikey or Raph has had to stop Donnie from pulling at his plastron during a breakdown, especially after the vivisection it gets bad, Donnie has a lot of issues about not being human

It kinda dawns on everyone later how serious Mikey sprinkling himself with mutagen actually was, he’s not stupid, he was so desperate to feel as good as his brothers that he was willing to die for it, so it only kinda registers later on that it could probably be considered a suicide attempt, everyone makes sure to spend more time with him after that and make sure he knows he’s loved and when he does good they let him know

Not a headcanon but I think about it sometimes that Mikey has cannibalized a man

Mikey likes spending time in Donnie’s lab and learning chemistry stuff

Mikey one time steals buys Raph a paint mulling set because he knows how much Raph likes painting

Raph can and will easily carry Mikey on his shoulder

Donnie doesn’t like to be picked up, but if he needs to sleep or eat and won’t leave his lab Raph won’t hesitate

^ on days when Leo’s leg is acting up and he can’t, Raph is in charge of getting Donnie out of his lab

^^ on one occasion Raph was out of commission too, so leo sent Mikey to do it, Donnie didn’t think he would be able to but Mikey picked him up easily, he’s a lot stronger than he looks

Leo teaches Mikey healing hands after splinter dies

Leo still has splinters cane, he thinks about using it instead of his own sometimes, but Raph convinces him not to, he can’t stand to see his brother putting more pressure on himself to become splinter junior, he knows how their dad fucked them up a little bit and even if he won’t say it directly he knows it can’t be good for leo

^ sometimes he’ll make Mikey hide splinters cane if leo is really thinking about it

Raphs bandana tails are all torn up because he chews on them

Mikey’s bandana tails are short so that he can’t chew on them

April introduced them all to chew jewelry and they all are big fans but they go through them really fast because of their nonhuman teeth

Donnie chews on his bandana tails too but not enough to damage them

Raph and Donnie train together outside of official sessions, donnie asked Raph to help him get better at combat and so that’s what they do

Raph is horrible at rollerskating at first but eventually gets really good

Mikey isn’t the best but really likes rollerskating anyway

Donnie prefers ice skating because he can do it with Casey but falls on his ass every time, Casey thinks it’s hilarious

Raph also goes ice skating with Casey some time

Leo doesn’t like ice skating. He wants to, for Casey, but the cold is triggering and it aggravates his knee and it’s just a bad time, he has a breakdown about it the first time he tries and he still feels guilty for “ruining” the night

Donnie is really cautious around Mikey at first when he gets his electricity powers, he remembers the electricity simulation thing he was put in and doesn’t want to go through that again

Mikey would listen to cbat to piss off his family because it’s funny

Leo still has his broken helmet from when he died in space, it’s kept on a shelf, he thinks about it a lot

Mikey has a pair of lab goggles because he does so much chemistry stuff with Donnie

Casey never wears safety goggles in the lab even when he should, april wears hers though

Transfem leo feels a lot of dysphoria about having a shell indent

Transmasc Raph feels a lot of dysphoria about not having a shell indent, but being friends with Casey and finding out that amab humans have flat chests makes him feel better some

The turtles can and will eat raw meat, maybe even should (april found this out when she brought over an expensive cut of meat to cook only to find it gone later, it was an awkward explanation when the turtles remembered humans don’t eat raw meat)

^ april could eat raw meat bc she’s part kraang but she hasn’t tried so she doesn’t know that

^^ it was quite the change when karai had to start eating more rare meat

I don’t think this one fits with the canon timeline but shhhh I think it would be funny if karai taught leo how to drive who then taught everyone else

Not super a headcanon but I think the brothers would be a lot more worried about leo talking to the hologram of splinter when they were in space than they actually were in canon

All of them are lactose intolerant except Mikey who fucked around with chemistry stuff and cured himself of lactose intolerance, to this day neither he or Donnie really know how he did it but he can eat so much pizza now

Donnie and leo both like architecture, they found this out on accident but it’s one of the only things they have in common interest wise besides insects

Leo deserves a pet I think he should get to keep the wasp and it imprints on him and is very sweet, for personal preference I’m making it more bee-like so it’s fuzzy

Donnie (I think? I might be thinking of the wrong turtle idk I’ll check my fanart later) has a crack/scar from a crack in the left side of his shell, it’s hidden under his arm but you can see the edge of his plastron is damaged from it

There’s probably some I’m forgetting but yep here’s some of them!! Feel free to ask me more about them or use these B)

@idiot-mushroom sorry for the @ but I figured you would want to see

#tw mentions of suicide #suicide mention #cw vivisection #tw vivisection #there’s a little bit of sensitive stuff in this be warned #but yep some of my headcanons I probably forgot a few but oh well #can you tell im used to being in fandoms where you have to make your own lore lmao #aka Danny phantom and ninjago and etc #long post #tmnt 2012 #2012 tmnt

[imagine-silk]

Romantic yandere Hobie would be so good with a s/o struggling with auditory hallucinations and delusions. I've been going through some stuff (don't worry I'm getting evaluated Thursday) and I like to think Hobie would stay with me through everything no matter what. I feel like it's a fact that Hobie is the ride or die type for his s/o. It's so unnerving hearing a disembodied voice of a man saying hello to me or hearing objects whispering my name, Hobie would definitely always find a way to put me at ease whenever this happens

》 I'm try to get this up before Thursday then. I'm not going to go into my personal health but I do know what it's like, you are not alone.

Hobie takes it on the chin. He moves forward so casually and figures out little things to do by himself. He will tell you when things are real or not and do so while giving a kiss to your forehead. If you’re starting to look a bit spacey he’ll ask if you want to go out on the town with friends to bring you back to earth before anything can happen. And the cute couple things go lengths, like doing the dishes and attacking him with the spray or him laying all over you while you try to read a book.

He is ride or die. This is something to deal with, not a dealbreaker. “That’d be daffed. Not your fault.” Issues might occur in public but when telling you it’s not real isn’t enough he’ll grab you by the waist and take your hand and start dancing with you. It’s so random and with the added fact he is holding you it grounds you in a way to help deflect. Other people don’t care for him doing this on the sidewalk but he doesn’t care to keep the public peace.

He’s noticed he can snap you out of some of these things by saying something so absurd it kind of cuts through it. You go up to him and say you’re having an episode and he asks if it’s the beach episode, it’s like when you force quit an app and open it again. Or you’ll ask if Jeremy is there and he says Jeremy is ugly and smells, a fuckin’ muppet. It works sometimes but not always so he keeps that locked away until he knows it will work.

The ones that scare you too much are kept away. He'll be close at all times and tell you it's all okay. He also makes sure not to whisper so you don't mistake him as not real. Asks you to tell him what they're saying or doing so he understands and can deal with it right. When it's things talking he'll hit it, knock over the salt-shaker or throw it across the room. He knows you can tell these things not real and you're scared so he admits that he doesn't know what it's like but that doesn't mean he won't be in it with you.

When you see the doctor he’s there, maybe not in the room, it is a private medical examination, but he’ll be outside for you. He reminds you to take your pills and eat it with food, typically street food like pastys while you're walking around. If you ask for a thing to keep track of those moments he gets you one of those pocket notebooks. He also stops smoking, he’s a punk from 1970s England of course he smokes. The withdrawals aren’t great but it’s going to help you so it’s not too bad.

It's still difficult at times but you have ways to deal with it. And a man in your corner to keep you afloat.

#ask and you shall receive #hobie brown #gender neutral reader #atsv #hobie x reader #spider punk

[granulesofsand]

Hallucinations and Poll

🗝️🏷️ hallucinations, flashbacks. Scroll to orange text for poll (last paragraph)

I hear and voices in the white noise. All the sounds that never left our head. Yelling in the rush of the faucet, singing in the electric hum of the fridge.

I feel the lofted bed shake as if the pounding is still at the door. Sometimes I see a child just turning the corner, sobbing or laughing in hushed tones.

When we tell our stories, we know what they will ask.

“Are you taking your meds?”

“Do you ever feel on top of the world?”

“Have you experienced psychosis in the past?”

All the distortions, the flow of then into now, none of them garner pity.

I can feel my heartbeat in my ears and I know I can’t hear those sounds anymore. Our ears don’t work like that in the present.

I wake up from screams I can’t locate; mine or other, here or back then. I’ve never been able to scream of my own accord.

Insiders hear it too. The authorities don’t care what the people in my head say, but it makes me feel less alone. Not all the same, we each dredge up our own trauma in our perceptions.

It’s pretty normal for PTSD. Echos of the past overlaying the present. Do other Deaf people hallucinate with non-auditory senses? Do you hear what you physically shouldn’t be able to?

I like the singing the best. Old hymns in the distance, organs and choirs barely audible in the blaring silence. It’s an awful kind of comfort, but it doesn’t get much better.

For the poll, consider d/Deaf an umbrella for any DHOH identity. If multiple apply, pick whichever you find most relevant. Feel free to add your experiences with other nonstandard senses related to hallucinations or flashbacks.

#osddid #did osdd #hallucinations #ptsd #ptsd problems #deaf #hoh #hard of hearing

[ttvneutralg]

On Hearing Voices: Phase 1: Fear -Neut

Today I want to talk about the very first phase of schizophrenia, which I've deduced to be: auditory hallucinations that scare you.

Some schizophrenics are fortunate in that, the voices do not scare them. These schizophrenics inadvertently get patched to PHASE TWO immediately, and even come to know PHASE THREE and etc. quicker than their fearful peers, in my opinion. But that's neither here nor there.

But MOST schizophrenics (and i'm talking without looking at any stats) are afraid. At least, for a little while. At least, in the beginning. Something scares them. That something is the voices.

They're afraid the voices are a cop. An alien. God or Jesus himself or Allah. and etc. They're afraid that the voices are an Angel or a Demon - well, you get the point. What these schizophrenics basically fear, is a fear of the unknown. And what happens after death, unbeknownst to all of us, is the great fear that binds schizophrenics to phase one.

Are the cops going to come beat me up and kill me? Are there terrorists in my mind using voice to skull technology? Will I be absolved somehow; relieved from this earth and removed? Is a Criminal syndicate in my mind? Are the russians communicating with me with malicious intent? Are aliens going to probe me and my family? But above all: Will the voices come to harm me? Will I die?

This, my friend, coupled with the "programmers" relentless assault on anything you hold dear, and attacks during the times when your mind thinks it is safe, is the jist phase one: Fear and approbation. Fear of the unknown, and fear of the hereafter and fear of death.

The voices are never polite. They tell you to kill yourself or your loved ones. They threaten to beat, harm or maim you. Some people have reported trauma so real from hearing voices, that they have forced orgasms to disguising pictures in their mind. This is a relentless assault, and you WILL be traumatized. Or you're very lucky. In which case, you're already in a subsequent phase.

I myself remember a time when my penis became erect and had an orgasm, without me touching it. Just from the use of my mind. This has happened to me several times. I suppose I was in a dream like state, having what might be considered a wet dream while awake.

Despite all this. Sometimes, there is approbation, or a certain fondness. This is a sort of 'stockholm syndrome' - a certain sympathy for those voices which oppress you. This comes naturally. And even as the voices reject all kind gestures and words, and remind you that they're there to kill you, harm you and your loved ones, or family, and etc. There comes a time (only for some schizophrenics, though; many don't make it out of phase one: and live afraid for life!), there comes a time that the voices become endearing, like chatting with a friend who wants to kill you, and despite their malicious attacks on your psyche, this relentless assault and abuse, in phase two: you put that all behind you. The threats don't seem real. You toughen up. Or you get angry. You won't take no more. Sometimes, you forgive and forget, maybe you're old now and over it. Or you actually sympathize with the "perpetrator" in your mind. Maybe you find their destructive threats somehow endearing. Welcome to phase two.

Stephen M. Miniotis "NeutralG" or "Neut", is a part-time undergraduate studying English Literature at the prestigious University Of Toronto. He is a diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenic who hears voices chatting with him all day long ,for which he recieves a 3-month injection cycle of medication. He has heard voices for decades. He hears voices to this day. According to him, he is no longer afraid of the voices, and has proceeded to a subsequent phase of introspection.

This article is a rough draft and will be subsequently edited for a book. It is published with permission. (c) 2023 Stephen M. Miniotis.

#NeutralG #HearingVoices #targeted individual #Schizophrenia #Schizoaffective #Schizo spectrum #Stephen Miniotis

[bumblebeerror]

I think the worst part of my dad being dead is the little things that I still expect to be there. My brain is especially bad at properly putting things in timelines, and glitches often when I try to recall where I last saw something or how something last was.

I still walk through my front door and expect to hear baseball on the tv. I still expect to hear him ask what I’m watching on YouTube. I still expect him to tell me that we have a baseball game to go to this weekend, and that he’s just coaching this time so we’ll be able to do something fun.

I still expect to go to petosky for the round robin tourney for my dad’s league that took place around my birthday every year, and the past 7 birthdays have felt so, so strange without it.

It feels like his hands are the ones dragging the trash bins to the road still. Like his fingers are the ones poking little holes in little cups of dirt he used to grow the garden, instead of mine.

Sometimes my auditory hallucinations are of his voice, or his footsteps. Sometimes it feels just like his hands are on my shoulders, like he’s tracing circles on my back to wake me up like he did when I was a kid. Sometimes my brain pretends I can still smell him. Printer ink and his cologne and paper, like he’d just come home from work.

A lot of them are comforting, but there’s an ache. The feeling of something missing is really familiar when it comes to my memory, but it feels so much worse when that empty space is real.

Sometimes I hear the heart monitor flatlining. Sometimes I hear myself talking to him because the doctors encouraged it, I hear me and my grandpa telling him that it’s okay, that we’re alright and he just has to get better. I remember the last words he said to me, croaked from a dry throat. “I need Phoenix Tears”, because he knew I’d get the refrence. It feels like a prophecy fulfilled now, but at the time it was gallows humor, the same dry humor I got from him.

Sometimes he’s in my dreams and his face is nearly perfect despite my complete inability to visualize normally, but.. he never knows who I am there, and I always wake up before he recognizes me. Those I think, are the worst. The rest feel like comfort, like maybe he’s lingering.

I miss him. There are so many places where he still should be, and I don’t know if those places will ever feel whole again. I don’t know if I want them to be.

#it’s sad boi missing dad hours at this workshift tonight babes #death mention

[sophieinwonderland]

Hi, how are you all?

I've been reading through your posts about hearing voices, and realised I've had a similar experience. I don't exactly hear the Voice in my head - they sound more like a muffled noise as if their in a different room to me, rather than a typically audible auditory hallucination. The Voice, despite changing how they sound very often, also gives me a distinct that they are singular, similar to the way a shapeshifting being sometimes adopts the voice and appearance of others in a story, and they go by many names from different cultures. One thing remains constant, however - the Voice provides a cheeky commentary on what I and others have done and said, a lot of times even singing songs that I've listened to; it feels like a romantic partner who's lent their head on my shoulder and is now whispering special compliments just for me.

How do I explain this to those around me - that I don't want to lose the Voice because I have a crush on them since it's one of only things that constantly praises me and they're the one friend that will never leave - in a way that won't sound too needy/codependent/narcissistic/childish?

Hi there! And hi to the Voice too! We've been doing well! Okay, actually, we've had our water shutoff for 4 days straight while we get our plumbing fixed and it's been so long since we could get a shower, but you don't want to hear about that.

Anyway, your connection with them is super sweet! 💖

I'm curious, and forgive me if this comes off as rude... but do you have an inner monologue separate from the Voice? I just ask since you describe a lot of things that are typical of inner monologues, while not describing like, two-way internal conversations with them

You also mention getting the sort of impression that the voice is the same, but I'd like to know if you've asked them. How does the Voice perceive themselves? Is it something the Voice has thought about in an existential way before? Have you asked them if they want a name or how they feel about their role in your life?

There's a great guide to coming out as plural here:

But personally, I might wait until you and the Voice both know your places in each other's lives better

You seem uncertain right now, and that's going to make coming out more difficult when you're still trying to figure out what it is that you have.

#plural #plurality #endogenic #systems #system #multiplicity #plural system #endogenic system #voice hearing #hearing voices #pro endogenic #pro endo

[nemosopenletters-blog]

In one study done on people with bpd, 50% would potentially develop auditory hallucinations. 30-33% would potentially develop visual hallucinations. Still, some may develop paranoid delusions.

Personally, I have always been afraid of that happening again. It's happening again now. It's been a few years... And I needed to tell somebody because I'm scared. I'm scared because it means I'm getting bad again. And who do I have to tell?

My family never got that little memo. I never really wanted to tell anyone I had such a mental break as a teen. Not sleeping at night because I was afraid of the people. The shadow people. They were watching me. Waiting for me to sleep so they could hurt me. I could swear i could feel their breath when i closed my eyes. Inching closer and closer every day.

And then the voices started. Almost like the lowest of whispers at first. Gradually, they would build and build until I could hear nothing over the sound of the voices. All the voices. Surely, if I really thought about it, I could probably recognize them. Article says they're supposed to be linked to ptsd/trauma somehow. They're likely voices that my conscious forgot, and subconscious wishes they could.

Risperdal slayed those dragons.

But now, Risperdal is no longer my mace of bravery. It now rusts on the shelf, awaiting the day my body no longer rejects it as it started to.

And now the dragons are back. The shadows I see walk past my door. Sometimes, they peer in. I see them move for my daughters bed, kissing her forehead as she sleeps. I see their fingers curling around the door frame.

Sometimes I hear the voices so loudly, it's like hearing the world screaming, but only I can hear it.

And I know I can't scream out. I know it's not real. We've been here before. But it doesn't stop the terror, the dread that courses through my veins and the hairs on my body standing at attention. It doesn't stop me wanting to cover my ears and scream at them to STOP STOP STOP.

But instead, I just tell people I was disassociating when they interrupt the dreadful shrills. It's easier, more acceptable.

How do you tell people you love that you're starting to lose your mind.

And that you're more afraid of it than they could ever possibly be.

#black and white #borderline blog #borderline personality disorder #bpd shit #living with borderline #actually bpd #being borderline #borderline personality traits #borderline things #bpd life #actually hallucinating #auditory hallucinations #psychosis #borderline pd #bpd support #bpd awareness #bpd stuff #bpd problems #bpd blog #bpd feels #actually borderline #borderline thoughts #borderline problems #borderline splitting #borderline #bpd

[wonderneverlandsystem]

All Below Text Are Subject To Change

TW: Mentions of abuse and neglect, mentions of hallucinations (auditory and visual), mentions of dissociation and panic attacks, implied suicide attempt, successful suicide attempt, and death obviously

This is my (Jace) Spider-Sona, Rainbow-Spider! (It's name is the same as mine, but I will be referring to it as Rainbow throughout this post.)

Despite how, you know... Not rainbow, its suit looks. But that's how the suit looks when Rainbow is neutral & when not being worn. The suit is made of a material that it definitely made. And absolutely did not steal from a lab. That changes colours based on the wearers' emotions/feelings.

Lil Personal Details: It's a trans gay man like me, and like us is Greek, though it has a lot more Greek in it than we do. It likes to doodle and write random things, oftentimes about those it cares about. Despite how cold and avoidant it can be, it naturally attracts people, which can get annoying sometimes, and it loves goofy sweethearts *cough cough wink wink* though it would never admit that. It pretends to be much more cool and badass than it thinks it is... Its best friends are Hobie, Gwen, Noir, and Pav, not in that order (don't tell Hobie-). When it saw Spider-Gwen for the first time it thought she was a hallucination at first until Noir laid a hand on her shoulder, after realizing she was real it ran up and hugged her confused. She looked just like the Gwen it knew, other than the gap in her teeth. It very much dislikes Miguel and doesn't agree with him and is actively trying to prevent him from doing fucked shit from the inside... However. It also knows that you can not like someone or even hate them and still acknowledge that they're hot as hell-

Little Suit Details: I wanted to include something into its suit to honour our Greek heritage so I decided to put the Phi symbol into the spider symbol, it also has connections to the origins of the word empathy and stuff which makes sense for its character & powers. The spider symbol also has 4 larger front legs and 4 smaller back legs because of the Goldenrod Crab Spider that bit it. The red stripes with spiderweb detailing are also a homage to the spider that bit it, as that is the only part that doesn't change colours when the spider changes colours. The ones low on its torso are supposed to mimic top surgery scars because it do be a trans boyo. I also put FNSM (Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man) on the headphones. They're not visible at the angle it's at, but the suit has lil pockets with zippers in the front underneath the chains.

Backstory up to ITSV:

Moved to Manhattan after being taken in by its "uncle" (not actually its uncle, but it calls him that) and leaving its abusive so-called parents in Tennessee. Eventually, it made a friend in a transfer student from Queens, Gwen. They were each others only friends, but they helped each other through thick and thin, Rainbow had to call an ambulance to help her from herself once. One day, there was a 9th grade field trip for agriculture and economics class to a big farm in rural New York, the farm just so happened to be next door to an old lab. After chasing after Gwen, who wandered off, Rainbow really stepped in it, literally. It stepped in a nest of Goldenrod Crab Spiders and proceeded to have a panic attack because of its arachnophobia and the disgusting aensation of the web and spiders on its legs. It dissociated, shaking most of them off as it ran and not coming back to reality until feeling a spider bite its hand.

It came back to reality as it slammed its hand into the ground, crushing the neon yellow spider with red stripes into the ground and killing it, its long front legs twitching. It wasn't until late that night after taking a shower that it realized something was off. It yawned as it looked in the mirror, and its hair was a silvery grey colour instead of its normal dyed dark red. When it saw this, it jumped back in shock, which caused the hair to poof into a bright yellow colour. Eventually, it realized that it was changing based on how it felt, and that realization brought its mind back to the spider. Horrifyingly, it spent the night researching spiders, especially those spiders, not realizing until it tried to get up to get a drink that its hands had gripped the laptop. It was... an eventful night. Well really it was an eventful week full of discoveries and freaking out, and it was extremely annoying to try and get a hold of its emotions more as to not let people see that its hair changes colours.

When its uncle left on a trip that he wouldn't tell Rainbow anything about other than he was going back to Tennessee, it made a decision. It was gonna go around helping people using its new abilities. The rest I think you know. Not even a week later it got a call from the hospital in its hometown that its uncle was killed in a car crash... It got a pretty good inheritance from him, but it would only keep him alive and well for a year, two tops. Then a couple of months later it went to a pride festival in the town square as Rainbow-Spider, the identity the people of Manhattan gave it because of its colour-changing suit that it spend a month planning, stealing- I mean buying, and sewing. This was where the Chief of Police, Captain Bucks would die. Captain Bucks and Rainbow were quite acquainted, he was even more acquainted with its real identity. Rainbow stole. Not to mention it was very public about being anti-cop, anti-fascist, anti-government, and anti-capitalist.

... And it may or may not have spray painted a bunch of anarchy symbols and middle fingers on some banks, cop stations, and other government buildings. So Rainbow was brought into the station a lot, so often in fact that every time they'd bring it in they would call ahead of time to let Bucks know. Two hours. Two hours in an interrogation room with a box of glazed doughnuts and a special frappe from the nearby café, Gwen worked there and of course, knew when Rainbow planned on going out so she'd make sure she was working, and she'd have the doughnuts and coffee already done when the chief got there. It got boring after a while, it was essentially the same speech over and over followed by being driven home. No courts. Nothing. Rainbow was too busy to notice how odd that was, nor did it care.

Until Bucks took a bullet for it at the festival where some queerphobic protestors started getting violent and throwing Molotov cocktails. It was "lunging" (what it calls its ability to essentially "teleport"/ move super fast to anywhere in its line of sight. Its vision gets horrible when doing this and it gets vertigo for a moment after getting out of the "lunge". It often opts to "lunge" instead of waste web fluid, plus it's faster.) around and getting people to safety, it seemed like it was all over. That's when its spider sense went off just a second too late. It whipped around and "lunged" forward, not noticing the person moving towards where it was standing or what was moving through it. It kicked the person with the gun in the shin and knocked the gun out of their hand with its elbow. It used its webs to detain them, only for the spider-sense to go off again along with a feeling of dread as it realized the gun was smoking. It had gone off.

It turned to its former position and saw Chief Bucks on the ground and as it "lunged" over to him it noticed the bullet had hit an artery. And with all the chaos it knew he wasn't gonna make it to a hospital in time. Even if it "lunged" or swang over. It was gonna try anyway, but Bucks stopped them, grabbing its hand and slipping a twenty dollar bill in its hands. "Go get yourself a box of doughnuts and your fancy drink kid." Bright yellow. He knew it was Rainbow Spider... "If you haven't figured it out already, your record is clean, well, clean enough." By now it started hearing yelling from other cops, followed by stomping. Its attention was brought back to him by coughs, "You shouldn't be doing this job kid, seriously. I know you wanna help, trust me I do, but your gonna get killed. Or worse..." And with a smile, "Keep hating cops, that's fine, but don't get yourself into more trouble please, I won't be around to save your ass next time ya get caught." He passed.

It was hesitant, but it decided to go to his funeral, it didn't say anything or do anything other than leave a lily, but it blamed itself so it went. It didn't use the money till a year later... Its hallucinations were getting worse and worse, even being around Gwen didn't make them go away anymore. Then one night, it was doing its nightly patrols as Rainbow-Spider and it was hearing explosions, fire crackling, seeing fires that weren't there, and car wrecks that weren't there. Then it saw Gwen standing on top of the hotel she was staying at, it ignored it, thinking it was another hallucination... But when it saw her move towards the edge it thought twice and "lunged" forward to try and knock her back or grab her but it missed her, barely knocking into her feet. Its vision barely came back in time to see her look back up at it as she fell, that's when it heard its phone go off and notice her phone in her hand. It was loud enough for her to hear apparently as her face went from shocked to scared and apologetic before. It "lunged" forward again, spinning its body as it went in hopes of taking the impact after grabbing her instead but it failed, it was too great a height, too great a distance.

It landed on the ground beside her, its arm taking the brunt of the impact and getting scratched to hell. It ignored the pain as much as it could and moved to pick up Gwen, or at this point, her body. It had to plan the funeral because her so-called parents didn't care, they did kick her out so it wasn't surprising. The night of the funeral is when those twenty bucks got spent, after the funeral that is, it and a couple of teachers were the only people there. No one said a word other than the priest and there wasn't a reception or food, just a cooler with drinks. Rainbow officially had no one left, just an apartment which it would probably be evicted from in a couple of months as the inheritance money from Uncle Zayne was about gone, other than the bit it was holding onto for food after it gets evicted. Then one night as it's packing up its spidey sense goes off and it turns just in time to see what looks like a black hole suck it in and spit it out into a giant electronic billboard.

#into the spider verse #itsv #across the spiderverse #atsv #spiderman #spidersona #trans man #gay #it/its #trans

[callsign-bunnie]

Just read your welcome back post about mental health. Fellow BPD-er here with OCD and C-PTSD and PCOS. If you wanna ask me about anything or share your day feel free too. I've struggled with finding medicine and therapists that work, and having to rewire my whole brain into thinking somewhat normally. I'm still attempting to do it, and I catch myself slipping up sometimes. I've been off meds for like, 6 weeks because of finance issues, but I'm working on getting back onto them to help my depression/motivation. I entirely know way too well what you described as psychosis, and it sucks. Delusions and hallucinations are not fun by any means, I'm sorry you've been going through that for the past year. To pivot off of that, what are the books you're writing? Do you care to share things about them? I'm always looking for new books to read and rant about to my coworkers and friends!!

I would not wish BPD/OCD combo on my worst enemy so godspeed to you.

Yeah, I'm really treatment-resistant as autism makes talk therapy hard because I find myself masking the entire time and telling my therapist what they want to hear. There's also the risk of becoming emotionally attached to my therapist (as I had become to my last) which is just not a good situation to set up, ever.

I can't afford to get medicated, as much as I would love to become medicated, but I already know that finding the right cocktail for me is going to be fairly difficult since I am, again, treatment resistant.

I do have CPTSD (though who fucking doesn't in this economy) but I also have regular PTSD so it sort of gets drowned out in most cases and is never the most important thing in my mind.

Most of my recovery has had to be entirely on my own, by taking therapy notes from my friends with similar issues who have gone, or by just researching it

I think one of the reasons my issues have caused me to deteriorate so rapidly these last two years is some kind of neurological issue (I am being actively begged to go to a neurologist) and god, having mental health issues and then physical issues that worsen them makes being ill into one of those rope puzzles where you have to carefully untangle them to solve it.

No, delusions are not fun. I've never had too many visual hallucinations but mine are usually auditory or ghost sensations, and they very much do suck. I do NOT enjoy having to constantly question if someone is actually flirting with me or I'm being delusional, again. (Asking for clarification is NEVER A GOOD IDEA)

As for my books, I'm not usually willing to talk about them publically (OCD means paranoid that they're going to be stolen. Yes I am aware this is irrational.) but I'll gladly talk about them in DMs all day.

As I've said, you guys are always welcome to DM me or you can message me on discord (playbunnie03), which is where I'm more likely to answer as I fucking hate tumblr DMs like you wouldn't believe

However, the main ones I'm working on this year is a fantasy series I've been working on for a while which is inspired by the Witcher while also being Queer Epic Fantasy. I'm also working on two thrillers, one following the plot of one of the fics I've written (the fic was ABO, obviously the book will not be) and the other is an entirely new plot. Both are sapphic, as I am sapphic (obvis lol) and all of these have been quite the labor of passion and love already, though I'm restarting writing

#bunnie speaks #i'm a thriller writer at heart #neither are supernatural in any capacity but i have some supernatural thrillers planned #i'm still in the plotting stage since I've restarted but you guys know me #the actual writing comes easier

[multiplicity-positivity]

I wanted to share some happy news but I've always struggled to see inside headspace and just recently i was able to explore a great big chunk of it! This made me super happy and excited!

But it also brought on a question too? I would often experience jumpscares, like little shadow things jumping out abd spooking me as i tried to walk through headspace. I told my best friend, whos also a system, about this and they said the get the same exact thing when they try to explore headspace. Do you or anyone who follows also experience this?

There was also a spooky building that just gave off Nasty Vibes so i didnt wabt to go anywhere near it. My best friend also has a room like this and said theyve met other people with a building/room like this? Is this common?

Hey - congrats on your first time seeing and exploring your headspace! It sounds like you’ve been making progress with your system, which is awesome!

As far as I know, we also experience flashes, images, shadows, and jarring movements that can scare or startle us in headspace. But we also experience this in real life, and for us, there isn’t that much of a difference between getting spooked by a brain-made jumpscare in the headspace and in real life. It happens to us in both places! We always thought this was a psychosis thing (as we also get visual, auditory, tactile, and olfactory hallucinations sometimes due to our past trauma), but it’s interesting to hear that it may just be a common headspace experience.

If any of our headspace-explorer followers have any insight or would like to share, please feel welcome to!

As far as having a scary place in headspace, we definitely do.

I think Ralsei has talked about our headspace here, but our headspace is made up of a few areas. One of which looks like the house we grew up and were abused in. It is perpetually giving off bad vibes/trauma stink lines, and our ANPs (or main fronting group) avoids that place like the plague. We haven’t reached a point in therapy where we’re ready to do headspace work/focus on helping the alters who are stuck in that house. But it definitely exists in our headspace and in general the parts who handle day-to-day living avoid it and try not to think about it.

For traumagenic systems, these sorts of areas may function as a visualization of trauma or dissociative barriers. There may be trauma memories or trauma-holding-headmates inside. We’d advise folks with these sorts of spaces to not go prodding or poking around there before they’re ready - and it may take some help from a therapist in order to reach a point where those areas can be safely explored.

We hope this helps or at lease provides a bit of insight. Thanks for reaching out!

💫 Parker and 🐢 Kip

#headspace #inner world #trauma #trauma mention #abuse mention

[bardicbeetle]

screaming about SitD - ramble on moral grey areas and vampirism and blood

Content Warnings: mention of drugs both use and dealing, and murder, that… is honestly about it. The murder bit is par for the course but I don’t usually dig into Moira’s list so obligate drug mention warning.

Additional reminder that I am writing fiction, character belief to author belief is not a 1-1 ratio.

Friend wanted to know about why my vampires were okay with killing people but not okay with stealing blood if that was a viable workaround to murder. This brought about via some previous conversations surrounding Isaac’s relationship to Alex and also the vamp!house as a whole. Brief interlude about the Lost Boys since they are the original blueprint for what my vampires eventually became.

OK

So.

Donated blood specifically within the confines of We-took-this-from-hospital = bad

Donated blood acquired via the chaos trio that is Isaac Carrie and Tom = good

And within that, the reason they Don’t Do that is primarily because Daniel takes issue with it and as far as the remaining Vamp!House is concerned, he’s as much in charge as it gets (which to be fair, is Not Much, but it’s not Nothing either). I’m just realizing that oddly enough 2/3 of the Chaos Trio blood they do take comes from Isaac and Tom who could not donate blood normally anyway because of MSM restrictions. There is also the argument to be made for taking a non-lethal amount of blood from someone and then messing their memory around until they won’t have questions about it, but again, Daniel is more against the whole Mind Fuckery shit than he is against murder at this point.

Re: The Lost Boys you can be mean about my bastard children I don’t care I used to have auditory hallucinations of Paul as a young teenager that annoyed me so much I threatened to kill him on a regular basis. But yeah they are, cavalier is a good word, indiscriminate is another but also it doesn’t quite fit to me just because as far as in-universe goes we only see them kill people who have fucked with them in some way or another. First being the security guard who kicked them off the boardwalk, second and third being the Surf N*zi’s who were fucking with them on the carousel and who the book confirms they have additional shit with already. But yeah. The boys don’t care about human life enough for people like Star, Michael, etc. We never see Max kill but I do not doubt that a lot of the missing posters aren’t just from the Boys.

ANYWAYS

ENOUGH ABOUT MY NON OC BASTARD CHILDREN

point at hand, they have reasons. not necessarily good or good or morally correct reasons, but such is unlife.

Daniel is… more than a little desensetized at this point. He did so much worse under Amalthea that a single death every other week or so does not weigh heavy on him. For the most part. There are days it’s too much. There are moments his own cowardice gets to him (is it worth living for all this ruin?). But there are people relying on him staying alive. That comes first (they come first).

Jesse and Moira are a touch different in that they have… a handful of rules followed more often than not. Piled up justifications or excuses or both. Call them what you want.

Jesse is a constant case of weighed options. He’s the one keeping an eye on bigots and hate crimes and going “Hmmm. Okay, too many. You’re done.” is the bar of what constitutes “too many” constantly changing? Yeah. Is too many One more often than not? Also yeah. He keeps a list. It’s sometimes disheartening that it never really gets shorter. Moira joins him on this a lot of the time.

Moira isn’t entirely apart from Daniel’s mostly indiscriminite if unlikely to be investigated murder, but when she is there are specific types she’s going after. This kinda came up organically when I was moving the story to central VT for the sake of my own location-knowledge— Moira knocks off drug dealers, mainly those putting out heroin and fentanyl because those are the things that hit home for myself and the people I’m close to. If someone is lining their pockets with death, as far as Moira is concerned they’re getting what’s coming to them. It’s a smaller list than Jesse’s, but it’s something she keeps an eye on.

This method of theirs has on occassion gotten the household into hot water when someone who is actually avoiding arrest ends up dead falling off the face of the earth. That’s partially why the household has the arrangement they do with Jonathan Davies, if someone goes missing who needs to properly turn up dead, they work that out with him and Theo.

I’ll keep Alex somewhat brief as we explore their reservations about murder… a lot in the actual text. Immediately post-killing their parents they subsist mainly off of blood donated by Isaac. They know that by no means does the rest of the household just kill innocent people all of the time, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. It takes some adjusting. Eventually they fall into a routine that mirrors their arrival, they walk at night, they let someone try to hurt them, and that doesn’t go so well for whoever tries it.

Re: Vent Art

Moira does art constantly, I mention in one of Alex’s first scenes at the house that the living room is essentially wall-to-wall paintings all stylistically different from each other, only linked by Moira’s little gold MH signature in the corner. She fucks around in every medium she can get her hands on. Sometimes it’s vent art, sometimes it’s not. There was a period shortly after she made the decision to become a vampire that it was entirely vent art because she missed the sun so fucking badly. Later on she just decides to be up during daylight anyways, wrapped in a blanket cocoon and watching the light out the windows until her eyes hurt. The first time she discovers that new england cloud cover is heavy enough in the wintertime to feel like daylight when it’s snowing is like coming alive again. (It’s also a really sweet moment for the whole house as that’s the first time Daniel has seen daylight in decades)

Jesse writes. He’s a little… hmmm, less affected by the whole thing, I think, than most. But I think that’s mostly because what he got out of this was the chance to live and also the love of his life? He’s a little bit biased. And again, he has set out pretty specific rules for himself as far as who dies. That being said, he’s a writer, things spill over. I speak from experience both in that things you think aren’t an issue weave their way into your writing, and that Jesse and I are similar enough that writing is his default coping mechanism when things are Affecting Him.

Moira and Jesse make a comic together.

A lot of comics together.

Jesse considers writing an instant gratification art form, and Moira is the one with the actual patience to deal with his mess of ideas and help get them to a point that makes sense in a visual medium.

AddiHart Comics is their project baby. It’s the origin of me calling them the Vamp!House because that’s what they call themselves there. They write silly little slice of life shit that would be 90% the same as every other iteration of that except for the “Oh by the way, vampires”. They have yet to tell Daniel about this, it’s been ongoing for about half a decade. (In truth, he found out about it through Sarah, but he’s not going to spoil the “secret”)

I like having a little in-universe nod to their backstories.

Daniel doesn’t really make vent art, but Daniel also has approximately 0 healthy coping skills and is only in the last decade or so getting better about not Fully Shutting Down any discussion of the Horrors that live in his head and his heart. He does read though. Like, a lot. An alarming amount. He’s a sucker for his silly little pile of romance paperbacks. There is a reason his “bedroom” is wall to wall bookshelves.

So, yeah.

That’s.

An amount of information probably larger than intended.

Which may or may not actually be coherent.

@cjjameswriting / @falling-rivers / @maabonwrites / @blve0 / @inexorableblob / @blueberrypoptart / @betwixtofficial / @drowsy-quill / @ezwriting / @ofinscriptions / @vaguelyhumanekid / @meatandboneasmr / @h-faith-marr-writeblr / @necros-writings / @poetinprose / @flyingbananasaur / @oldestenemy / @multi-lefaiye / @dotr-rose-love / @abalonetea

#writeblr #vampire writeblr #writeblr community #screaming about sitd #sitd #larkspur will write later #this is 1500 words of mess here you go blooks #the magician cries #character ref da #character ref ab #character ref mh #character ref ja