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#once i learn how to draw yasha it is OVER for you people i will truly become even more insufferable than i already am in this fandom
arcticwaters · 6 months
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wanna introduce y'all to my baby white dragon critical role oc who has taken up 90% of my brain space for the last three years. her name is moonghost she's a champion fighter* and fully exists to be yasha's trinket, her most favoritest person in the whole wide world
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hello-eeveev · 1 year
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Beau had half a mind to march over to the Candles and kill Ludinus Da’leth herself, if only so she didn’t have to spend another day looking over the same documents, trying to find something they could use to get him out of power. She didn’t trust him—hadn’t from the start—but the more she walked in similar circles, the more she had to deal with the Assembly’s bullshit, the more she was convinced that whatever Ludinus was up to at any given moment, it couldn’t be good. But he had spent centuries navigating Dwendalian politics; of course he knew how to cover his tracks well.
She was halfway through plotting out the assassination when Caleb, who was sitting at the desk across from her, closed his book and looked up at her. “It’s five o’clock,” he said.
“Finally.” Beau sagged in her chair, taking in a deep breath. As she exhaled, she let thoughts of work fade from her mind. Once she felt suitably non-murderous, she slapped her hands onto her desk and stood. “Let’s get going then.”
She and Caleb fell into their routine as easily as they fought side-by-side. Caleb collected all the files and documents and organized them as he saw fit, while Beau stacked the books in the order that she knew would be most convenient for whoever reshelved them. Then they switched. Beau ran the papers back to her tiny office and locked them in her desk drawer, and Caleb passed off the books to the nearest archivist to be put away. When they met back up, Caleb walked Beau all the way to the teleportation circle on the other side of the Archive. Outside of going home to Yasha, this was Beau’s favorite part of the day, because regardless of what they ended up talking about, they made sure that, for at least these fifteen minutes, neither of them had to think about their country’s corrupt systems and the horrible people running them.
By the time they arrived at the teleportation circle, her half thought-out plans of murdering the Martinet had been shoved into the back of her mind by Caleb’s fond tales of the kids he tutored and the progress they were making.
She really hoped he would take the Soltryce job, if not for the good he would do there, at least for himself. He seemed so happy when he talked about teaching, almost as much as when he was nerding out about spells with Essek or Veth.
The caster in charge of the circle beckoned Beau into the center of the room, and she jogged into position as they began drawing the sigils for the Zadash Archive circle.
“Hey, so tomorrow night, Yasha’s trying out a new recipe that she got from Martina,” Beau said, turning to face Caleb who lingered at the edge of the casting space. “It’s a stir-fry sorta thing that she learned on a trip to the Menagerie Coast. I think it’ll be really good, especially if we use some of your green beans. You down?”
The invitation was more of a formality at this point. Caleb joined them for dinner almost every weekend. But Caleb shifted awkwardly, looking down at his feet.
“Ah, I would love to,” he said, “but I already have plans for tomorrow. Maybe another night.”
“Eating a boba and reading all night doesn’t count as dinner plans.”
Caleb huffed a laugh. “No, it is a, um…” He picked at some fuzz on his coat sleeve. “A date.”
“Wha—” Beau blinked. Shook her head and blinked again. “What? With who?”
Caleb caught her gaze, expression completely neutral except for a growing redness on his face. “A friend,” he said.
She furrowed her brow. “I’m gonna need a little more information than that, dude.”
He glanced down at the runes being drawn beneath her. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him run his thumb over the ring on his index finger—his Ring of Telepathy, it looked like—and his voice entered her mind.
“Essek.”
Beau’s eyes widened, but then the bastard smiled and waved like nothing happened. “Have a nice evening, Beauregard.”
Faster than she could run over and punch that smug look off his face, the chalk on the floor flashed and suddenly she was back at the Zadash Archive.
She fumbled for her Sending Stone. “Fucking piece of shit—I’m gonna—” She yanked it out of her pocket and activated it. “Caleb!” she shouted. Some poor young monk tried to greet her while an older expositor threw a stern expression her way, but Beau paid them no mind. She was already running out the door.
“The fuck kinda timing was that? What do you mean you’re going on a date with—” Shit, she couldn’t use Essek’s name in the middle of Zadash. “—with him? When did this happen? How? Who else knows?”
“You are the first, unless someone else has figured it out already,” he replied. “Unfortunately Sending is limited to twenty-five words, so I cannot say more. Goodnight, Beauregard.”
“I know for a fact that’s not how these Sending Stones work, you asshole!” She did a quick count of Caleb’s message in her head. Twenty-six words.
She could practically hear his shit-eating grin in the silence that followed.
Forget Ludinus, she had another wizard to kill.
Before long, Beau was sprinting up to her house. She waved off Martina’s sickeningly sweet hello and threw open her front door.
“Yasha!” she yelled. “Babe, you’re not gonna believe what Caleb just told me. Can you message Jester today?”
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dhwty-writes · 3 years
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On the Benefits of Trancing
This is a bit late, but was in fact written for Day 2 of sgtober, Can't Sleep. It's very fluffy, have fun reading! 
Summary: There are several reasons why Essek prefers trancing over sleeping. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And no matter if they are foul or fair, they torture him all the same. And lastly, well—.Essek reminisces about the strange habit of sleeping and his even stranger habit of sharing his bed with Caleb whenever he can't sleep.
Warnings: None, as far as I’m aware
Read on AO3
Sleep is a curious thing, Essek muses, that he doesn't understand and hasn't particularly cared for up until this point. It is a childish thing, and wild and vulnerable and oh-so terribly time consuming. Truth be told, for most of his life he has pitied the other races who are forced to bow to the whims of nature in that way.
Like so many things, that changed when he met the Mighty Nein. Well, not when he met them necessarily—back then he may or may not have been quietly plotting their demise for returning his carefully stolen beacons—but certainly when he started travelling with them.
As many aspects of elven cultures are, trancing is a solitary activity, a silent contemplation of one's most private thoughts to better cope with them. Shock and surprise don't even begin to cover his feelings when Caleb first cast his dome and Essek found out that sleeping, as many things for the Mighty Nein, is a rather communal event.
He had eight whole hours to come to terms with those implications—did they not realise what it meant, the trust one had to place in another to sleep in front of them? Did they not care? Or did they, by some miracle, in fact trust him that much?
When he came out of his trance the next morning, he realised some of the members of the Nein had moved during the night, curling closer to and around each other. Cuddling, they called it, and Essek's pity melted away, turning into something more bitter, more poisonous. Envy.
There is something about sitting upright, floating a few inches off the ground while surrounded by people holding each other that can make you feel so incredibly lonely, and that has to say something. Nearly a century of solitude spent between too-large, too-empty towers, too-secretive and too-pious schools, and a too-scheming and too-paranoid court have never left him feeling as isolated and bereft as that morning with the Nein did.
Of course, back then he didn't have the words to describe the feelings swirling in his chest. Nor did he have the words to ask for them to include him in their affections, lest he be presumptuous. That, to quote Caleb Widogast, takes time. Surprisingly little of it, if he is perfectly honest.
A few months down the line, he stopped floating while trancing and when he resurfaced the next morning, he found himself leaning against Fjord, who had taken the last watch. When he jerked away in embarrassment, Fjord blinked awake, too, a disgruntled look on his face, growling that he should stop moving around so much.
Despite his shame, Essek complied and held completely still until the rest of the Nein woke up. After that, he began to dabble into the casual intimacy his friends share. He even tried to sleep, occasionally.
In the beginning, he felt very self-conscious about it. He would wake up with messy hair, or drool on his pillow, or, worst of all, tucked close to Caleb. Another effect of the Mighty Nein, though, is that they very quickly rid you of your sense of shame. So, he no longer cares if he looks a mess, if his clothes are rumpled, or if he's getting spit on Veth's backpack. Just the last thing he can't help but feel embarrassed about.
There are several reasons why he still prefers trancing, though. Firstly, as difficult as it may be to leave yourself vulnerable for eight hours at a time, he finds it even more challenging to imagine his friends defenceless. He much prefers being able to watch over them for at least half of that time.
Secondly, sleep, inevitably, will give birth to dreams. And if sleep is childish, wild, and vulnerable, dreams are tenfold so. He often contemplates his crimes during his trances, as well as the discarded timelines, the lost possibilities that could have led to even more death, destruction, and despair. He frequently considers members of the Assembly lording their victory over him, disposing of him, torturing his friends. However, in his trance, he can choose to abandon these timelines. Dreams offer no such luxury. Once in their cruel grasp, you have no choice but to see them through.
Nightmares are one thing, but dreams are another. Even the pleasant ones often come unbidden, worming themselves through his subconscious to pluck out— What exactly Essek should call them, he isn't sure. He wouldn't dare name them wishes or hopes, for that would imply a certain level of possibility for them to come true. These visions are desires, more like, though that term implies a certain passion that does not fit the circumstance.
These unsought fantasies often include the Mighty Nein, years or decades from now. How they would still seek him out, include him in their midst. He dreams of feasts and festivals, of hugs and humour, of truthfulness and trust. And then there are other, even more forbidden dreams featuring him and Caleb. He dreams of soft kisses and gentle caresses, lazy nights spent in the tower reading books, of research and adventures and normalcy, of waking up as close to each other every day as they do from time to time on accident. He would love his future to look like this, but he knows there is a very little chance for that.
So, no matter if the dreams are foul or fair, they torture him all the same.
And lastly, well—
There is a knock on his door and Essek's heart lurches. "Come in," he calls as calmly as he can manage, forcing himself to slowly close the book he hasn't been reading instead of slamming it shut and scrambling to his feet.
The door opens silently, as all doors within the tower do, and Caleb slips inside. He's wearing simple sleeping clothes and Essek silently curses himself for already closing the book, so he can't even pretend to read that instead. "I, ah— I'm sorry for intruding... again," Caleb says, self-consciously tugging at his sleeves. "I hope I didn't wake you?"
"Not at all," he answers, barely keeping himself from saying: 'I was waiting up.' Instead, he opts for: "I was still reading."
"Anything interesting?"
"Are you trying to tell me that you have stored uninteresting books in your mind, Caleb Widogast?"
"Plenty," he deadpans and Essek chuckles.
"It's called The Creation of Silver." He turns the plain cover over to Caleb, to jog his memory. Based on what he could gather by skimming the first pages, it promises to be a rather run of the mill romance novel following the story of a Dwendalian noble trying to escape their arranged marriage. "So far, I find it quite entertaining."
"Ah, yes." Caleb quickly glances away, a faint blush colouring his cheeks. "Have you reached the part where Stefan leaves for the city yet?"
"I have not."
"Then I will not spoil you." Another tug on his sleeve. "The plot really picks up at that point."
Essek tilts his head to the side, studying Caleb. According to the clock in his room, it is past midnight, which is quite late for the human to still be awake. Yet, he is just hovering in his doorway, caught between stepping inside and leaving again. "I presume you did not come here to discuss my evening reading matter."
"Ah..." He tugs at his sleeves again. "No, I did not." As always, Caleb is as incapable of voicing his needs as Essek is.
Thankfully, Essek is not nearly as apprehensive when it comes to his friends' well-being as he is when his own is concerned. "Should you have trouble sleeping, you know you are more than welcome to stay. Seeing as we are to make progress tomorrow, I am very invested in you having a restful night."
Not being able to sleep is another thing about that practice that Essek cannot understand. Trancing is a matter of will, discipline, and tranquillity and he's always assumed sleep to be the same. He supposes it is, to some degree.
But travelling with the Mighty Nein, and Caleb specifically, has taught him that you cannot force sleep. There are circumstances under which they will toss and turn for hours, unable to find rest. Not even Beau's meditation, which he considered relatively close to his trance, seemed capable to calm a disturbed mind enough for sleep.
He has, however, also discovered that for certain members of the Mighty Nein, certain methods will accomplish the necessary peace of mind. Caduceus' tea appears to be able to work miracles, time and time again. Beauregard likes to tire herself out by running drills, while Jester usually draws in her sketchbook. Yasha tends to make flower crowns or, lacking flowers, braid other people's hair. Essek has been subjected to that numerous times so far and despite his aversion to Dynasty braids, he doesn't hate it. Fjord usually ties sailor's knots, and Veth sorts through her various collections.
Caleb, though? Caleb, for some reason, only needs another person to fall asleep next to. And for some reason, despite the numerous options he has, he chooses Essek more often than not. Not that he's complaining, of course. In fact, he may enjoy it a little too much.
Caleb laughs quietly as he often does at their antics. They have long since learned the rules to this strange game they are playing. "Well, if you put it like this..." he says as he rids himself of his slippers—Hausschuhe, he has explained to Essek, a very important part of Zemnian culture—and puts them next to Essek's. "I would hate to disappoint you, Herr Thelyss."
'You couldn't,' he thinks as he pulls back the covers. Instead, he says: "Indeed." As always, he freezes in place when Caleb joins him on the bed, scooting closer until they are nearly touching. Being this close to each other is not getting any less mortifying, no matter how long it has been since Caleb first came knocking on his door.
He still remembers that night in vivid detail. As so often, Essek has been reading and just got up to get a cup of tea. When he stepped out of his rooms, he nearly collided with a wizard who had convinced himself that his suffering wasn’t important enough to trouble him with. “Do you want to come in?” he said to his own surprise. To his even bigger surprise, Caleb accepted.
They sat on Essek’s couch and talked about everything and nothing at once. Hours later, with his throat gone dry, Essek asked: “Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?” The moments the words left his mouth he knew he’d said something wrong.
Caleb shot to his feet as if burned and Essek followed suit. “I am so sorry, friend. I will not continue to disturb you any—”
“Where are you going?” he interrupted him, perhaps a little irritated. “Give me some credit, Caleb Widogast; I am capable of far subtler ways to rid myself of an unwelcome visitor. Which you are not.”
He laughed self-consciously and said: “Regardless, I should go and rest. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss.”
“You could stay,” he blurted out before he could stop himself. “I mean—I noticed your sleep to be more restful when you are around others. I am aware that I am not your first choice, but since the others are not here—You’re welcome to stay, if it at all helps.”
Caleb hesitated. “Are you sure?”
“Certainly.”
“In Ordnung,” he answered finally. Essek is still glad he had thought to float for that conversation. That way, at least, his knees didn’t give out.
A short discussion about who should take the bed followed before they stubbornly agreed to share it. Essek came to regret that immediately after when he was confronted with the practical implications of ‘sharing a bed’.
“Make yourself at home,” he said. Caleb took some time to rearrange the pillows and blankets—just like he does now—while Essek hovered nearby. Literally.
It took several reminders from Caleb for Essek to not instinctively recast his floating cantrip, but eventually they managed to lie down next to each other with a minimal amount of awkwardness. They have moved past that initial apprehensiveness by now, Essek thinks while he pretends to read. Shortly after, Caleb flops down, close enough that Essek can feel his breath ghosting over his cheeks.
“Good night, Caleb Widogast,” Essek says, stubbornly staring at the pages and nowhere else. "Do you want me to dim the lights?" He doesn't need them anyways; he just likes to appreciate the room Caleb made for him in all of its colours.
"No, I think I would like to read a bit. I am quite fond of that book."
"You are?" Essek looks down to him in surprise. ‘If Caleb tilts his head,’ the thought hits him, ‘he could rest it on my shoulder.’ He just thought it to be one of the countless books Caleb has read in his life, nothing special. "Why?"
He blushes again. "Ah— I think you'll see. The title is more literal than one would assume."
He considers the book once more, trying to discern what Caleb means with his words. ‘Luxon help me,’ he sends a silent prayer. It wouldn’t be the first time for him to pick up a romance novel that turns out to be quite a bit more explicit than anticipated. To think that such a mistake may have happened to him with Caleb so close—He thinks he might just combust from embarrassment.
"Do you mind flipping the page?" Caleb asks with a yawn, startling Essek out of his thoughts.
"Oh, of course," he says belatedly and turns the page. He hasn't read the last one yet, but nor has he read the one before, so it hardly matters. The novel has a rather shallow plot, so he has no trouble picking it up three pages later, and he's done so by design.
“Thank you.” He yawns again, louder this time and burrows down further into his pillows. “Gute Nacht, mein Schatz,” he mumbles and freezes as if he only now realises what he said. He seems to wait for an answer, but when Essek fails to provide a wrong one, he just smiles up at him and says: “Schlaf wohl und g’sund, bis morgen früh’s Kaffeele kommt.”
“I don’t understand you,” Essek tells him just as quietly, “but you can translate tomorrow.” After a moment of hesitation, he adds in Undercommon: “Sweet dreams, my dear. I’ll be here when you wake up.” He quickly glances back at his book before he can do anything stupid. Such as regret his words. Or kiss him goodnight.
Still, with Caleb reading along he does his best to at least somewhat read the novel. It’s a very flowery language, occasionally dropping Zemnian words Essek doesn’t know. Judging by Caleb’s grumbling at least some of them appear to be wrong. The protagonist, Stefan, seems like quite the bore. He does have a strong motivation, he supposes, to escape from the dreary life that awaits him in his arranged marriage. Besides that, and his general cold-hearted demeanour, he can’t discern any defining characteristics.
He finally reaches the part Caleb asked him about—Stefan leaving for the big city—when another character is introduced, presumably his love interest. He appears to be about as compelling as the protagonist, until— Essek snorts quietly. “Caleb Widogast,” he chides softly, “is this a love story about wizards?”
At first, he doesn’t answer and Essek briefly considers the option of Caleb wilfully ignoring him. Then, there’s a barely audible snore. When he glances down in surprise, the human is leaning against his shoulder, soundly asleep. He noisily chews on a strand of his hair, a bit of drool dripping onto Essek’s shoulder.
For a moment he can’t help but stare, a dopey smile on his face. He quickly arrives at the conclusion that something as disgusting as that has absolutely no business being as endearing as it is. But for some reason he doesn’t mind at all.
Moving carefully and slowly, in order not to disturb Caleb’s sleep, he puts down The Creation of Silver. It is getting rather late and he probably should begin his trance, if he wants to wake before Caleb's inevitable departure.
He leans back, wiggling a bit to find a comfortable position. He thinks he's doing a good job of not rousing Caleb until the human grunts quietly. Essek freezes, fearing he may have woken him, but instead of opening his eyes, Caleb just shifts closer to him, throwing an arm and a leg across his lap to hold him tight.
Essek looks down at his... friend with a fond expression. After a moment of consideration, he reaches down to brush the strand of hair behind his ear.  
Sometimes, he feels like he can barely contain all the love he feels for this man within himself. One day, perhaps, he might even find the courage to tell him so.
Zemnian Translations:
Hausschuhe - slippers. In fact a Very Important German thing. Can't wear your normal shoes indoors, so you need special house shoes. Schlaf gut, Herr Thelyss. - Sleep well, Mister Thelyss. Gute Nacht, mein Schatz. -  Good night, my darling. (lit. treasure) Schlaf wohl und g'sund, bis morgen früh's Kaffeele kommt. - Sleep well and sound until tomorrow morning the little coffee arrives. (My Caleb is Suebian now and I don't take criticism. I was writing this when I suddenly remembered this sentence my parents used to say to me and I thought if my sleep deprived brain remembers things like that, it would only be appropriate if Caleb's did too.)
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So I had a dream about Critical Role and shadowgast last night then my half awake brain wrote a mini fic about it.
It was late, or it felt that way because time almost had no meaning this far underground. The dome had kept them safe, two watches passing. It had been quiet, no sign of any other strange monsters or the Tombtakers the group was chasing.
As if by unspoken accord, Essek and Caleb found themselves waking to take the final watch. Essek, of course, only needed four hours for his full rest. But Caleb, Caleb was human and he had been injured several times in the past hours.
"Are you sure you do not wish to sleep longer, Caleb?" Essek asked softly. "I can take this watch myself if you are still hurting."
"Nein, nein," Caleb replied. 
He got up gingerly, making sure not to wake Veth, who was sleeping at his back. Guarding him, even in sleep. He picked his way through his sleeping friends to Essek's side and sank down into a cross-legged position next to him.
"Are you all right?" Caleb asked in turn. He studied Essek carefully, noting a few hairs out of place on the normally perfectly groomed Shadowhand. "You've taken some hits as well."
"Yes, I am fine," Essek replied, waving a hand as if to dismiss the worry he could hear in Caleb's voice. It warmed him, that worry. To know someone cared, not because he was the Shadowhand but because he was Essek. 
"Good, good," Caleb murmured. 
A silence fell between them, comfortable and enveloping. It was nice to have a quiet moment, a chance to breathe. Even with the doom bearing down on them, the cataclysm they were rushing to stop. And the company was quite welcome. 
"What will you do, when this is done?" Essek's voice broke the quiet, barely more than a whisper. "When we have stopped this danger?"
"There are still... problems, pieces of my past that must be dealt with," Caleb replied slowly after a long pause. He glanced over at Veth then at Caduceus. "Goodbyes to make, as well."
Then he turned his head enough to meet Essek's eyes. A third goodbye sat in front of him, another he was loathe to say. No matter how undeniable and inescapable it might be. Or how much he might wish otherwise. 
Because he was looking, Caleb saw Essek's eyes track over Caduceus and Veth. And because he was studying Essek so intently, he saw the slight tightening of lips as Essek's eyes lingered on Veth. 
"And you, mein freund? What will you do?" Caleb asked, drawing Essek's eyes back to him. Wanting to draw his eyes back to him. Wanting to smooth away the slight frown on his lips.
"I do not know," Essek replied, a touch of wonder and fear in his voice. Then he chuckled quietly and shook his head. "I imagine home is no safer now than when I left. Perhaps even less so if others have been digging further into who the traitor is."
"You are always welcome to stay with us," Caleb offered immediately. His heart thumped in his chest as he spoke. "You are our friend, Essek, and you have a home with us."
"A home," Essek repeated, looking around at the sleeping group before meeting Caleb's eyes with a smile. "I think I like that."
Caleb couldn't help but smile back. A tension sizzled along his skin, settled deep in his belly. As he looked into Essek's eyes, he felt like he was falling. Or floating. Or both. It wasn't unlike the feeling of staring into the beacon. Though, he thought, this was unique to the two of them.
It wasn't a conscious decision but Caleb didn't fight it once he'd realized he'd made it. One hand found its way to Essek's cheek, the pads of his fingers tracing his cheekbone. He leaned towards Essek slowly, watching his eyes for any hint of a denial. But, except for a brief flash of confusion that melted into a lightning quick acceptance, there was nothing. Essek merely waited, that smile playing about the corners of his lips.
A deep breath and Caleb closed the space between them to brush his lips softly against Essek's. It was a tentative touch, a request. A heartbeat passed, two, three, then Essek wrapped his fingers around Caleb's wrist, holding his hand in place on his cheek.
The second kiss was still soft but more confident. This time, Essek kissed back, his lips moving slowly against Caleb's as his fingers tightened on his wrist. And, for once, Caleb's keen mind forgot the passage of time to just savor.
A rustling sounded in the dome and Caleb and Essek broke their kiss. Taking a deep breath, his nose filled with the scent of Essek's skin, Caleb pressed his forehead to Essek's. 
"I would very much like to kiss you again," Caleb murmured. He didn't dare speak any louder, in case it woke his stirring friends.
"As I would like to kiss you," Essek replied. Then he chuckled, a sound full of surprised delight. "But perhaps not with an audience."
"No," Caleb agreed. Then he quickly stole another brushing kiss and sat back. "The tower, if we survive the day."
"The tower," Essek nodded. 
Just then, Yasha sat up and stretched her arms over her head. Beau followed a moment later, taking the time to stare unabashedly at her girlfriend. Then, the rest of the Mighty Nein awoke and the dome was filled with voices and movement. 
Essek stayed near Caleb as the last minutes of the dome's existence ticked away. He watched the disparate group joke and talk with each other. It was a way to deal with the enormity of their task, he thought. A way to comfort and reassure each other. It was a lovely thing, seeing these people care so much for each other.
The dome disappeared and the Mighty Nein immediately turned into the implacable, deadly force he'd come to know in their travels together. They were ready quickly, Veth, Yasha, and Beau moving to take point in preparation for moving on. Essek stayed near Caleb, both of them taking the rear and keeping an eye behind them.
Just before they left the corridor that had been their safe haven for the past hours, Essek floated a little closer to Caleb and caught his attention. He held Caleb's eyes with intensity for a few moments, ensuring Caleb understood the gravity of what his next words would be.
"Survive the day, Caleb," Essek ordered, allowing a touch of the authority and arrogance into his voice that he'd learned to carry with the Shadowhand mantle. 
"I will as long as you will," Caleb promised, his eyes holding the same intensity Essek felt.
Essek nodded once and Caleb breathed a sigh of relief. Then they were following their friends, intent on saving the world.
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Hey guys...I have an idea if you aren't sad enough yet. I was struck by a painful comparison sort of crossover idea. It would never be canon, but  I'm mourning the end of Campaign Two, and I want to be sad and over-dramatic. Essek, but as Eliza from Hamilton in “Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story.” But, it’s for the entire Mighty Nien. Some of the lyrics are so on point for a poor Essek who will probably outlive all of his friends (Elves still generally live longer than Firbolgs by a good 200 years). Anyway, enjoy.
MN
Every other founding father's story gets told
It occurs to Essek, during one of the many periods without one of the Mighty Nein (the time that he dwells on them the most), how unfair their whole situation is. They saved all of Exandria, and no one knows. They are amazing, and odd, and frustrating, and no one knows. They will die loved deeply, but not widely. He knows they prefer it that way, all things considered. But, everyone else who saves all of Exandria becomes legends, while the people he loves best will be forgotten, remembered only by him.
And that. That sounds unbearable. 
So, in-between the times he sees the Mighty Nein, he begins to gather accounts. He writes down stories from those they helped, or simply left an impression on.  The people who have met the Mighty Nein have an air about them that he gets good at detecting. They attracted the oddballs and the outcasts. And if they're entirely normal (whatever that means), then they usually get a certain twitch if you ask for stories about interesting strangers. About half the time, a certain blue tiefling pops up in them. He almost has a heart attack when he hears  “go fuck yourself,” in Jester’s cheerful voice, when he knows Jester isn’t anywhere near there. He ends up getting the kenku’s story, and the voices of his friends are weaved into it. Essek thinks the Mighty Nein are the best people in the world, in their own rambunctious way. Part of him wants the world to love them as he does, or at least have the option to. Everyone should have a chance to get to know them, even if it's just through tales. The world would be a better place for it.
...And when you're gone, who remembers your name?
Who keeps your flame? 
Who tells your story?
Who tells your story?
Who tells your story?
Once there is only him and Caduceus left, this becomes a more prominent part of how he spends his time. After...after a long, long period of mourning. He has so much life left to live without most of the people who made it worth living.
I put myself back in the narrative
I stop wasting time on tears
I live another 50(0) years
He stops hiding his past and bears his sins and his story to the world. Essek tells his story so their story can be appreciated to the fullest; his part in their story emphasizes the depth of their compassion and chaos. He tells his story, but not as himself. Essek continues to drift from town to town under a vast number of aliases. Everywhere he goes, he spreads his stories of his friends, some serious, most silly. He disguises himself so he can stay alive to do a little more good, tell a few more stories, to truly live the life his friends wanted for him.
...I try to make sense of your thousands of pages of writings
You really do write like you're running out of time.
Eventually, he gets his hands on some of Beau’s journals, Jester’s diaries, and Caleb’s research. Well, he always had the research, but he gets to the point where he can share it with the world. He slowly begins to share and explain their thoughts and personalities with excerpts from those. Maybe he also has letters that he shares parts of (though most of those, those words specifically for him, he keeps to himself, for himself). He wonders if they'd be angry at him for spilling their private thoughts. But neither Beau nor Jester filtered their thoughts very much in the first place, and he keeps anything truly painful out of the public eye. Caleb, well, Caleb was always about sharing his knowledge and research, provided it wasn't dangerous. And they were all dead anyway.  One of the last things they told him was to be happy. And talking about his friends, learning more about his friends even after they were long dead, that made him the happiest he'd been in a while. So he hoped they wouldn’t begrudge him this small joy he’d managed to grasp and forgive him, should it be necessary.
I rely on Angelica
While she's alive, we tell your story
She is buried in Trinity Church near you
When I needed her most, she was right on time
Caduceus isn’t particularly interested in being well known or famous, but he never shies away from telling a story about any of his friends. Plus, he thinks it’s a good project for Essek. It's a way to continue to show his love for them and keep them alive in the only way they can be now. When Caduceus eventually passes away, he joins the eight other graves (Veth refused to be buried apart from Yeza) that lay in a tucked-away corner of the Blooming Grove. There is one space left, nestled between where Caleb and Jester lay, but it will be empty for a long time yet.
And I'm still not through
I ask myself, what would you do if you had more time...
...You could have done so much more if you only had time
And when my time is up, have I done enough?
Will they tell your story?
He keeps adding to his tale; he stretches it longer and longer with every shred he can remember. But, even his memory, as long as it is, runs out eventually. And their story finally ends, but he doesn't. He throws himself into activities that remind him of them. He does a lot of gardening ( mostly tea, poisonous plants, and flowers). He teaches children some rudimentary dunamancy in his spare time, for Caleb. He messes around with alchemy a little. Eventually, he publishes the last of the research that he and Caleb worked on together; ones that took him decades to solve by himself. He even finds himself drawing a surprising amount of dicks on random surfaces near the very end.
Oh, can I show you what I'm proudest of?
...I help to raise hundreds of children
I get to see them growing up
The time that doesn’t go towards his now worrying amount of hobbies, he spends doing what he has done since the beginning: caring for the Mighty Nien’s true legacy. He looks after and visits their children. He takes care of descendants of Luc, of Jester and Fjord, of the random teenager that Beau and Yasha seemed to adopt completely on accident, of TJ, of the Clays, and of a lovechild of Kingsley’s that found out who his father was and then somehow found Essek himself to learn about him. In an embarrassing show of sentimentality, Essek always keeps at least one offspring of Caleb's very first cat. There is a very funny story about Caleb thinking the animal was spayed when it was, in fact, not. He visits the different generations every couple of years or so (he has a schedule). The drow makes sure they know the stories of their ancestors, the adventures of the Mighty Nien; he tells them it's all real. He gives them ways to contact him if they’re in danger, or need any kind of help really ( he has funds to spare at this point). Every once in a while, a few of them will get it in their heads to write him yearly updates. It’s nice.
In their eyes, I see you, Alexander
I see you every time
And when my time is up
Have I done enough?
Will they tell your story?
It is strange and painful to see the attitude and mannerisms of the Nein in the descendants who have never met them. It is wonderful too. His stories of the Mighty Nein have become well-known tales that no one can decide how much is truth and how much is fiction (it’s true, it’s all somehow, hilariously true). He preserved them in his own way, in the right way (time travel is something he thinks of with a growing hunger the more years pass between when he last laid eyes on his friends). But in these men, these women, these children, they are truly alive.
One little half-orc girl has Jester’s mischievous eyes and infectious joy. Another halfling man squints just like Veth when she's trying to figure out if someone is bullshitting her. There’s a boy who charmingly bumbles his way through most social encounters, as Fjord did. A firbolg woman who has Caduceus gentle smile. A tiefling girl with all the audacious bravado of Kingsley. A man with eyes just as piercing as Beau’s, and a tongue just as sharp. Even Yasha’s kind and gentle demeanor somehow shines through in one small boy, despite her having no direct descendants. He gets to see these flashes of his friends in those who survive them, and it thrills him as much as it cuts him. (Sometimes, when the current cat has ruined some item of his, the pleased look it wears resembles the quiet glee Caleb exuded after he pulled a successful prank, but he’s pretty sure that’s just fanciful thinking.)
One of the last things Essek does before he dies is fully publish, in print, the entire tale of the Mighty Nein. How they came together, every person they helped along the way. The love, the loss, the kindness, the chaos, every moment he could recall or record was put into this one account (necessarily stretched out into several separate books). There is only one set, and he hands it over to the Library of the Cobalt Soul in Rexxentrum. Then he goes on his lonely way.
Oh, I can't wait to see you again
It's only a matter of time
There are now ten graves, each one as unique as its owner, nestled in a small corner of the Blooming Grove. One grave has the dirt still fresh around it. And somewhere, beyond the Divine Gate, there are cheers and laughs and cries of joy as the Mighty Nien become the Mighty Nine once more.
fin.
MN
It’s my head-canon that by the time Essek dies he’s practically a mythical figure among the select families he looks after. It's  to the point that in certain locations ( that have a lot of Nein remnants) he becomes a local legend, the guardian angel of nien (no spelling specified and with no real distinction of what that means), with skin like the night sky who drifts (literally) through towns and helps those who meet a certain requirement, unknown to the general populus. There are rumors that certain people have bestowed upon them a token they could use to call upon the angel’s aid. Of course, the people who have the tokens (sending stones or something similar. IDK how he would get that many wondrous items, but I focus on satisfying narrative not, like, plausibility) know Essek and know that he has died and that the tokens no longer work, but for a while they keep them as heirlooms, to show the love of one drow wizard for the friends he had long, long ago. Eventually, one of Veth’s descendants sells off their set because sending stones are worth A LOT, and the money seemed more practical. They have their stories; those are enough. 
And before anyone complains about the Kingsley bit, I felt compelled to add a smidgen of Kingsley content because Essek loves Jester and Jester’s with Fjord and Kingsley is with both of them for years. I’m sure they get to know each other well enough that seeing traits of Kingsley is vaguely nostalgic and warming, even if it lacks the depth and love he feels for everyone else. Also, there’s no convincing me that Molly/Kingsley doesn’t have at least one illegitimate child running around from various trysts, he was basically the Scanlan of this campaign. It goes with the hedonistic vibe he gives off.
Also, is it normal that I completely designed the Nein’s burial site in my head because I did? Like I imagine they’re all spaced out in a circle. It’s almost like a stone gazebo but there’s not really a roof; it’s just a group of nine pillars that support a stone circle. The entrance is the Traveler’s door with dicks around the edge, and each of the nine pillars/supports is designed to look the knowing mistresses staff. The stone circle is covered in carvings of storm clouds and lightning. Wires are strung across the center of the stone circle to form the symbol of the Cobalt Soul. Not that you can see the wires, because vines have been grown all around them. Once you step through the Traveler’s gate, you’ll find yourself on some kind of rough mosaic floor, with depictions of a peacock, a pyramid, a snake, a sun, a moon, and (oddly) a pirate ship. The mosaic is made up of buttons of various materials and shapes. In the center is a saltwater pool/spring (depending on how magical we can get idk) and floating above it is an eternal flame encased in some sort of dunamancy magic that doesn’t  actually exist that keeps it floating and eternal. Look I'm running out of ideas.
I can’t imagine what everyone’s grave marker would be, but I’m pretty sure Yasha’s is a simple stone that says "YASHA NYDOORIN: wife of Zuella and Beauregard Lionette," and the place where’s she’s buried is just covered in wildflowers that spread outside of the gazebo to encircle the structure entirely up to the gate. Also, everyone has a stone tarot card by their grave with the picture and designation that Molly gave them. Beyond that grows a weirdly dense thicket of trees and bushes that make finding the Nein's resting place rather hard. It’s said only the descendants of the Nein’s family or those favored by the Wildmother (or Traveler, Or Ioun, or Storm Lord) can find their way to them. And one tree, directly behind Yasha, is dead, struck by lightning who knows how long ago. 
And they’re buried in this order: Yeza/Veth, Caleb, Essek, Jester, Ford, Kingsley, Yasha, Beau, Cad. I know there’s a good chance that a) Kingsley would just eff off and die somewhere unknown and b) Cad would probably want to be buried with the rest of his family, but shhh let me dream.
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iatethepomegranate · 3 years
Text
Just a post-Aeor fic where Caleb buys a house with Beau and Yasha in Rexxentrum, becomes a professor, and learns how to be a person and protect people from what he has endured.
Content warnings: Caleb's backstory (a lot of it)
Chapter summary: Caleb's mind was in overdrive. There were so many calls to make, so many spells to prepare, so many things that could go wrong at every stage of this delicate operation, so many plans and backup plans and backup plans for backup plans. He could not let the past repeat itself.
Chapter notes: Say hello to a major plot arc. Also, I did my best to figure out a vague layout of the relevant parts of Rexxentrum but I am bad with directions, so *finger guns*
Chapter title from Eight by Sleeping At Last.
****
Chapter 6: I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut and bury my innocence
Caleb’s scars itched as he headed home from the Academy, mind buzzing uncomfortably. His hands were somehow steady as he messaged Beauregard.
“Beauregard. I had an unsettling conversation with Astrid and Wulf. Two Volstrucker students are missing. Felix and Nicolaus. Evocation wizards. May have self-orphan orders.” He realised belatedly that he had forgotten to ask Astrid for a description. Also, he hoped Beauregard never told anyone he had used the term self-orphan. He’d made himself a little queasy in his haste to keep to the word limit.
“I’ll make sure the Soul keeps an eye out. And I’ll get a description from Astrid in the morning. Get over here. Dinner’s ready.”
Beau and Yasha kept the conversation flowing over dinner, absolving Caleb of that social responsibility. He felt useless, sitting here while there were two boys out there somewhere, who were possibly in the process of deciding whether or not to kill their parents based on an implanted memory of treason. If they weren’t found in time, Caleb wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself.
The two women hugged him goodnight after dinner, and he shook so hard he feared he would collapse. Yasha held onto him a little longer than she had probably planned, while Beauregard stepped back to take a look at him.
“Caleb.” She had that tone, the one what told him he looked like shit but she was trying not to freak him out. “Maybe you should take a spare room on this side tonight.”
“I’m all right, Beauregard.” He knew he sounded ridiculous. “Hear me out. Please.” Beauregard tilted her head in a silent challenge. “I need to think. I need to process this. I need to come up with plans for every possible outcome. And I may need to make some calls.”
“Do you want to talk it out?”
“I would like to be alone. Just for tonight. We will talk tomorrow.”
Beauregard looked for a moment like she was going to argue, and then she quite intentionally relaxed her shoulders. “Okay. You’ll tell us if you need anything, right?”
“Ja, of course.”
Yasha gave him one last squeeze. “We mean it. Anything.”
“I know. Danke.”
Caleb escaped to his bedroom. He forced himself to slow down a bit, take deep breaths, and get dressed for bed. He settled under the covers, slowly circling his palm over the quilt and feeling the different animal patterns. He’d already committed them to memory. But, on a night like this, it helped to know that what he thought was reality before was still reality now.
What a fucking mess. Before he could get too deep into his head, he messaged Caduceus.
“Hallo, Caduceus. Two of Trent’s students are missing. We suspect memories may have been modified. If we locate them, are you available to help us?”
There was a short pause; Caduceus was probably weighing his response, aware that he would not be able to track the wordcount once he began to speak. “Of course. Let me know when I’m needed. If you could spare a teleport, that would be great.”
Caleb cast the spell again. “I will give you a head’s up when I need you and then grab you from the Grove. Danke. Today has been… a lot.”
“Get some rest, Caleb. I left some sleepy tea in your kitchen if you need it. I’ll be here when you need me.”
That was one problem handled. Caleb burned through another Sending.
“Astrid, Caduceus is on call to correct any memory modification. Beauregard will be in touch with you tomorrow to get their descriptions.”
“Danke. I will ensure the Cobalt Soul is adequately informed. Now go to bed.”
Caleb let him feel her unspoken concern for him, just for a moment. Maybe one day they could be friends again. He curled up beneath the covers and closed his eyes. He would have to ensure he packed Counterspell and Sending every day. Perhaps Hold Person would also be useful. Control Flames would also not go amiss, just in case. And Expeditious Retreat or Fly would be useful in case time was of the essence at any point. Suggestion could be useful if they had the chance to talk. Running through spells he should prepare made him feel a bit better about how little control he had over this.
He was still losing his mind a little bit.
“Caleb,” came Essek’s voice, pumping air into Caleb's lungs. “Apologies. I meant to message earlier. I’m safe. Saved a child’s pet cat from a tree. He hugged me. Strange. How was your day?”
“Intense.” Caleb wasn’t sure how much to say, and he would definitely have to burn more spells to go into any detail. “Astrid promised to find a venue for the ex-Volstrucker support group. Two boys are unaccounted for. We are concerned. They are… almost graduates.”
Before Caleb could decide whether to say more, Essek Sent again. “Are you all right? Can I help with anything?”
“Not right now. We will… see how this pans out. They’re from Blumenthal, and I didn’t hear anything when I was there. May have time.” Caleb burnt another of his own spells before Essek did. “I have Caduceus on standby and Beauregard will talk to the Soul tomorrow. We may have a chance. I hope.”
“I will come in a heartbeat if you need me. Keep me updated. Get some rest if you can. Goodnight. You are in my thoughts.”
It helped, just a bit. Caleb still tossed and turned for a while, unable to turn his brain off. But things were… maybe they were manageable. He had half a mind to take himself to Blumenthal tomorrow, find out where the boys’ parents lived and get them somewhere safe. Or maybe he could… no, they would not handle a stranger showing up at their door in the dead of the night very well.
****
Astrid came to the house the following morning, with sketches for Beauregard to distribute to the Cobalt Soul. It was odd to sit on the couch with her. Like friends would.
“Eadwulf is in the city with the Volstrucker we could mobilise,” she said. “If either of them come to Rexxentrum, between us and the monks, we will find them. I spoke to my guard contact; the families are okay.”
“Have we considered evacuating them?” asked Caleb. The thought had kept him up for a long time last night. Maybe it was the best option.
There was a flicker of discomfort across Astrid’s face for the barest of seconds. “I don’t trust the Crownsguard to handle a delicate mission like that. It would be up to us. Or perhaps the Soul, but I’m already stretching our relationship with them.”
“Yudala Fon knows the stakes,” said Caleb. “If you are not comfortable visiting Blumenthal yourself…”
“Are you?”
“I have been once. I can bear it again to save half a dozen lives.”
They both knew it wasn’t just the parents whose lives were in danger. If Felix and Nicolaus followed through on this and were not stopped…
Well, Caleb had lost eleven years, and then another six running and running and running. Astrid and Wulf had lost their freedom as well. And Caleb could not even begin to comprehend the special kind of pain it would bring these boys if they murdered their parents only to discover Trent had been in prison for weeks, his crimes exposed, his orders no longer in effect. Caleb wasn’t sure he could have survived that.
Astrid must have understood what Caleb was feeling, because she spoke gently. “It is an option. We could also leave them in place under guard to draw the boys out.”
“I would rather not.” Caleb could already conjure a dozen scenarios in which that could go horribly wrong. “Astrid, we cannot fuck this up. You and I both know these boys could overpower a Crownsguard, or sneak past a security detail. No risks. We have to move the families.”
Astrid opened her mouth to respond, and then paused, eyes drifting upwards in concentration. “Thanks, Wulf. Do not engage. Herd him towards us if you can. We will be there shortly.” She focused back on Caleb. “Felix is in the city. Eadwulf is trailing him. They are approaching from the south.” She hopped to her feet, and helped Caleb up. “Shall we?”
As they raced out the door, Caleb messaged Beauregard. “Felix has been spotted. Approaching The Tangles from the south. Wulf is trailing. We are headed to intercept. Could use a hand.”
“I’m in the Court of Colours, southwest of your position. I’ll link up with Eadwulf. Will get the monks to surround. We got this.”
“Beauregard is southwest of us,” Caleb told Astrid. “She’ll try to find Wulf and have the monks form a perimeter.”
“We only have one shot with Felix,” Astrid muttered. “This could make or break everything. No fuckups?”
“No fuckups.”
They ran.
As they drew closer to the suspected middle point, Caleb shot a quick message to Wulf. “We are close to the midpoint. Turning invisible now.” He grabbed Astrid’s hand, hiding them both from view.
Wulf’s response was a whisper. “Slowing down. I think he knows I’m here, but hasn’t done anything yet.”
Caleb was grateful most seventeen-year-old wizards had not yet figured out teleportation. He and Astrid also slowed, still hand-in-hand.
“We try to talk to him before we do anything aggressive,” Astrid whispered. “Get us close.”
“Worst case scenario, Beauregard stuns him and Wulf carries him somewhere we can have a secure conversation. I can try casting Suggestion if necessary, before we do anything to freak him out.”
They turned a corner and Caleb spotted the boy in a crowd of people carrying baskets and cloths and the like, probably headed to market. Felix was slim and blonde, and looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. His shoulders were tight. The pair stayed ahead of him. Caleb spotted the instant Felix started getting a little too nervous, his eyes darting backwards for the barest of moments, towards Eadwulf, buried even as he was in the crowd.
Caleb tugged Astrid’s hand towards an alley before letting go and stepping into it, hoping he had read this right. Felix also turned into the alley, putting his back to the wall of a nearby inn, raising a hand to prepare a spell. Caleb recognised the somatic components of Scorching Ray. He prepared to counter it.
As soon as Wulf emerged, Felix tried to release the spell, and Caleb counterspelled, losing his invisibility.
Felix shook out his hands, still focused on Wulf. “Why are you following me, Eadwulf?”
Wulf raised an eyebrow. “Did you consider asking that before trying to set me on fire?”
Felix’s eyes narrowed, and Caleb wondered if Trent had tried to drive a wedge between the Volstruck, and Astrid and Wulf.
Astrid dropped her invisibility, appearing next to Wulf. “Felix, what’s the matter? Are you well?”
Her emergence did not calm Felix in the slightest. “Am I--” He scoffed. “Are you kidding?”
“We have been looking for you for weeks,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I have a mission to complete.”
Caleb considered recasting his invisibility, but the spell required verbal and somatic components. He just had to hold still and hope Astrid and Wulf commanded Felix’s attention until Caleb figured out what to do.
“Felix, you have been gone from the city for a long time,” said Astrid, and Caleb slowly reached for his component pouch. “Things have changed. Your mission, whatever it is, may no longer be viable.”
“We need to take you back to the Candles,” said Wulf.
Caleb felt his snake’s tongue and a piece of honeycomb, and began to slowly extract them from his pouch.
Felix didn’t move. “Why?”
Astrid glanced at Wulf, before evidently deciding on a course of action. “Trent has been arrested. We are trying to gather the Volstrucker so we can explain the charges against him.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Felix, what did he ask you to do?”
“It’s confidential.”
Caleb had the materials in his hand, so he rubbed the honeycomb against his lip, and spoke. “Felix, we are here to help you, but we need you to help us. Could we please have an honest conversation with each other?”
There was a moment where Caleb feared Felix would resist the Suggestion spell, and that Beauregard would have to swoop in and stun him. Felix turned to him, head cocked.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “You are Bren, right? Trent talks about you a lot.” He glanced at Astrid and Wulf. “He seemed worried the three of you were scheming behind his back.”
“Let’s head to his old office, ja? We have a lot to talk about. We will answer your questions, if you answer ours.”
“All right. Lead on.”
Caleb could not fucking believe that had worked. Judging from Astrid and Eadwulf’s brief but clearly shocked glances in his direction, they couldn’t believe it either.
****
Caleb couldn’t risk sending a message to Beauregard explaining what had happened, but she seemed to get the sense she shouldn’t reveal herself. Caleb led Felix through the city to the Academy, and up to Astrid’s office. They sat him in front of the fireplace.
Caleb crouched in front of him while Astrid stood by the fire, and Wulf leaned by the door. “Thank you for cooperating, Felix. Give me one moment. I need to message a friend who is going to help us.” He cast Sending. “Caduceus. We will need you in a moment.”
“I’m ready when you are.”
“I’ll go,” said Eadwulf. “Be right back.” With a muttered incantation, he had vanished.
“Where is he going?” asked Felix.
“To fetch a cleric friend of mine,” Caleb replied. “You look tired. Are you well?”
“Had a lot on my mind, I guess. Sleeping has been difficult.”
“I know the feeling.” Caleb looked to Astrid. “We should explain the situation, ja?”
“Why was Trent arrested?” asked Felix.
“A number of Volstrucker spoke with the Cobalt Soul about his training methods,” Astrid replied. “They documented it and took him to court. He’s in prison for life.”
Felix frowned. “I’m confused.”
Caleb should have expected Felix probably wouldn’t understand Trent’s behaviour as abuse; Caleb hadn’t either. “Felix, I would like you to listen to me.” He rolled up his sleeves so Felix could see the scars, which he was certain Felix shared. “A good teacher does not force his students to endure what we have.”
“We will face worse every day in our work,” Felix replied. “The pain… it makes us stronger.”
“And the residuum experiments? With no pain mitigation? I know people who have passed out in the process. Has that happened to you?”
“Once or twice,” Felix muttered, evidently still under the effects of the spell. “Puked more often.”
“Me too,” said Caleb, resisting the urge to scratch his itching scars. “It made me very ill most of the time. Astrid and Eadwulf had to force me to eat.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why are you asking me these questions?”
Astrid was gazing into the flames. “Felix, how old were you when Trent first hurt you?”
“Sixteen.”
Astrid managed to look at Caleb, just for a moment. “The same for him.” Astrid was a year older so it made sense to invoke Caleb instead, and maybe it was easier for her to project these things onto him.
Wulf popped back into the office, with the very welcome form of Caduceus beside him. Felix jumped, but Caleb had told him what was happening, and that seemed to be enough to stop him from bolting.
“Hallo, Caduceus,” said Caleb. “Can you give us just one more moment?” He turned back to Felix. “I’m going to have my friend Caduceus take a look at you and make sure you are well, but I would like to ask you a question first.”
“Fine.”
“What has Trent ordered you to do?”
Felix dropped his gaze to his lap. “My mother and father are plotting to betray the Empire. I have been asked to stop them.”
“That must have been weeks ago,” said Caleb. “What’s the matter?”
Felix scowled, and tried several times to supply an answer, as he was required to be honest while under the effects of Caleb’s specifically-worded spell. “I don’t know. They are not the people I thought they were. They are traitors. But. It’s not… I don’t know what to do. I’ve been waiting for Trent to give me more information, but I haven’t heard anything. I guess I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could convince them to…” He shook his head. “No. There is no mercy for traitors to the Empire.”
“I am sorry to hear that,” said Caleb. “It must be very difficult. May Caduceus take a look at you? You have clearly been under a great deal of stress.”
Felix had probably never seen a firbolg before, and he eyed Caduceus with trepidation. “What is he going to do?”
“It’s all right,” said Astrid. “He is a healer. The three of us have spent time in his family’s garden.”
“I… suppose…”
Caduceus approached slowly. “This will be quick, I promise. Just a healing spell to make you feel a bit better.” He already had the diamond dust for Greater Restoration in his palm. He touched Felix’s shoulder. It took a second for the spell to sink in, during which Caleb couldn’t breathe.
Then Felix slid to the floor, head in his hands. Astrid knelt beside him, whispering too quietly for Caleb to hear.
“One down,” Caduceus said softly, smiling at Caleb. “One to go.”
Caleb couldn’t speak. He watched Felix curl up on the floor, muttering to Astrid. She looked up at him, beckoned him over. Caleb knelt by her side.
“I don’t understand,” Felix said. “Why? Why? I don’t…” He shoved his fist against his mouth and screamed into it, eyes squeezed shut. “Why would he do this?”
There were a lot of things Caleb could say; he was not convinced any of them were right. But he had to say something. “He’s done this to all of us. Every Volstrucker went through this to graduate.”
“He does it for a few reasons,” Astrid said, quiet but somewhat detached. “It eliminates any family connections, leaving us reliant on Trent. And then, we’ve done the worst thing we thought we could do. Anything Trent has us do after that means very little. And those who break…” She looked at Caleb. “They are held up as an example of failure that we are measured against. We all know Bren’s name for a reason. First, as an example of failure, of weakness. Later, an example of endurance, of admirable but problematic stubbornness. A cautionary tale nonetheless.”
Felix looked to Caleb as well. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information?”
Caleb wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what Felix would tolerate, and there was a pressing matter. “First things first, we need to find Nicolaus.”
Felix drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face against them. “I don’t know where he is. We argued and then we went our separate ways.”
“What did you argue about?”
“I wanted to come here and find Trent. Ask about the order. See if there was anything we could… I don’t know.”
“And what did he want?”
“Nico doesn’t know what he wants. He was always more scared of Trent than I am.”
“Okay, we have ways to track him down. Caduceus, can you scry today?”
“I can,” Caduceus said slowly. “Might I also recommend, if Mr Felix knows the spell, that he should try Sending to him.”
“I don’t know that spell,” Felix said thickly. Caleb would just make out the side of his face, to see it was screwed up as if in pain.
“I can teach you,” said Caleb, “but I suspect it will take more time than we have right now.” Sending was an Evocation spell, so it would probably only take Felix three hours instead of six to copy it into his spellbook and practice it until he could do it, but that was still too long.
Caduceus sat cross-legged on the floor. “Do you have anything of his? Or a likeness?”
Wulf handed him a sketch. “Does this help?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Caduceus closed his eyes and began the ritual.
“I can try messaging Nico,” Astrid said, gripping her copper wire. “Nicolaus. It’s Astrid. I must meet with you in Trent’s office. It’s an urgent matter.” She waited, scowled. “Nothing.”
Caleb refused to panic, no matter how bad that sounded. “Okay. Good to know.”
Felix lifted his head. “What if we’re too late?”
“We don’t know that yet,” said Caleb. “Whatever happens, we will deal with it.”
Felix frowned at the floor. “What happens to me now?”
“We can take you home to your parents once we’ve got an idea of Nico’s situation,” said Caleb. “Unless you need more time.”
“Just a bit. I think. But I’d like to see them. Not today.”
“There is plenty of dormitory space for however long you need,” said Astrid. “Bren will visit you regularly once you are with your parents, to check in.” Felix nodded. That had not been discussed, but it was something that Caleb would want to do, so he let it slide.
The ten minutes it took for Caduceus to complete the spell were some of the longest of Caleb’s life. But then Caduceus’s eyes went white, and it seemed to be working.
Caduceus began to narrate what I saw. “I see your boy. He’s in a field. The clouds are pretty dark. It’s hard to see much. I think I see some buildings ahead of him. I’ll follow him for a bit.”
There was a sick feeling in the pit of Caleb’s stomach. “We should be ready, just in case.”
Astrid’s fingers weaved around the wire. “Expositor, are you close by? We may need your assistance. Come to my office on the--ugh, just ask for directions.” She listened. “Expositor Lionett is outside the Academy. She will be here soon.”
Caduceus spoke again. “He is approaching the village. Not many people in the streets. Probably the incoming storm. He looks like he has a goal.”
“What can you see of the buildings?” asked Caleb. “Any signs?”
“The signs are Zemnian,” said Caduceus. “The buildings look like farmhouses, mostly. I think I saw an orchard.”
“Blumenthal is a farming town,” Caleb muttered. “Fuck.”
Beauregard burst through the door, gasping for breath. “I’m here!” She doubled over, hands on her knees, as she sucked in air.
“Get ready to move,” said Wulf, stony-faced. “It looks bad.”
“Shit.” She gulped in another breath. “Okay.”
Caleb felt a little better now that she was here, but he was wound too tight to process it. “Caduceus. Is there anything else?”
“He’s picking up speed. Turned a corner. Looking at a house in the distance, I think.”
Caleb did not let himself feel anything. He turned to Felix. “Felix, do you know where Nico’s parents live?”
“On the northeastern edge of town.” Felix’s voice was as tense as Caleb. “Look for the cabbages.”
“Danke.” He squeezed Felix’s shoulder and pushed himself to his feet. “We need to go.”
Caduceus was still in the vision. “Go on ahead. I’ll stay here with Felix. If I see anything I think is useful, I will Send. But it will break the scry.”
Caleb gathered Astrid, Wulf and Beauregard around him and cast teleport, aiming for the northeastern end of Blumenthal. He knew it well, once.
Caleb’s scars itched as he headed home from the Academy, mind buzzing uncomfortably. His hands were somehow steady as he messaged Beauregard.
“Beauregard. I had an unsettling conversation with Astrid and Wulf. Two Volstrucker students are missing. Felix and Nicolaus. Evocation wizards. May have self-orphan orders.” He realised belatedly that he had forgotten to ask Astrid for a description. Also, he hoped Beauregard never told anyone he had used the term self-orphan. He’d made himself a little queasy in his haste to keep to the word limit.
“I’ll make sure the Soul keeps an eye out. And I’ll get a description from Astrid in the morning. Get over here. Dinner’s ready.”
Beau and Yasha kept the conversation flowing over dinner, absolving Caleb of that social responsibility. He felt useless, sitting here while there were two boys out there somewhere, who were possibly in the process of deciding whether or not to kill their parents based on an implanted memory of treason. If they weren’t found in time, Caleb wasn’t sure he could ever forgive himself.
The two women hugged him goodnight after dinner, and he shook so hard he feared he would collapse. Yasha held onto him a little longer than she had probably planned, while Beauregard stepped back to take a look at him.
“Caleb.” She had that tone, the one what told him he looked like shit but she was trying not to freak him out. “Maybe you should take a spare room on this side tonight.”
“I’m all right, Beauregard.” He knew he sounded ridiculous. “Hear me out. Please.” Beauregard tilted her head in a silent challenge. “I need to think. I need to process this. I need to come up with plans for every possible outcome. And I may need to make some calls.”
“Do you want to talk it out?”
“I would like to be alone. Just for tonight. We will talk tomorrow.”
Beauregard looked for a moment like she was going to argue, and then she quite intentionally relaxed her shoulders. “Okay. You’ll tell us if you need anything, right?”
“Ja, of course.”
Yasha gave him one last squeeze. “We mean it. Anything.”
“I know. Danke.”
Caleb escaped to his bedroom. He forced himself to slow down a bit, take deep breaths, and get dressed for bed. He settled under the covers, slowly circling his palm over the quilt and feeling the different animal patterns. He’d already committed them to memory. But, on a night like this, it helped to know that what he thought was reality before was still reality now.
What a fucking mess. Before he could get too deep into his head, he messaged Caduceus.
“Hallo, Caduceus. Two of Trent’s students are missing. We suspect memories may have been modified. If we locate them, are you available to help us?”
There was a short pause; Caduceus was probably weighing his response, aware that he would not be able to track the wordcount once he began to speak. “Of course. Let me know when I’m needed. If you could spare a teleport, that would be great.”
Caleb cast the spell again. “I will give you a head’s up when I need you and then grab you from the Grove. Danke. Today has been… a lot.”
“Get some rest, Caleb. I left some sleepy tea in your kitchen if you need it. I’ll be here when you need me.”
That was one problem handled. Caleb burned through another Sending.
“Astrid, Caduceus is on call to correct any memory modification. Beauregard will be in touch with you tomorrow to get their descriptions.”
“Danke. I will ensure the Cobalt Soul is adequately informed. Now go to bed.”
Caleb let him feel her unspoken concern for him, just for a moment. Maybe one day they could be friends again. He curled up beneath the covers and closed his eyes. He would have to ensure he packed Counterspell and Sending every day. Perhaps Hold Person would also be useful. Control Flames would also not go amiss, just in case. And Expeditious Retreat or Fly would be useful in case time was of the essence at any point. Suggestion could be useful if they had the chance to talk. Running through spells he should prepare made him feel a bit better about how little control he had over this.
He was still losing his mind a little bit.
“Caleb,” came Essek’s voice, pumping air into Caleb's lungs. “Apologies. I meant to message earlier. I’m safe. Saved a child’s pet cat from a tree. He hugged me. Strange. How was your day?”
“Intense.” Caleb wasn’t sure how much to say, and he would definitely have to burn more spells to go into any detail. “Astrid promised to find a venue for the ex-Volstrucker support group. Two boys are unaccounted for. We are concerned. They are… almost graduates.”
Before Caleb could decide whether to say more, Essek Sent again. “Are you all right? Can I help with anything?”
“Not right now. We will… see how this pans out. They’re from Blumenthal, and I didn’t hear anything when I was there. May have time.” Caleb burnt another of his own spells before Essek did. “I have Caduceus on standby and Beauregard will talk to the Soul tomorrow. We may have a chance. I hope.”
“I will come in a heartbeat if you need me. Keep me updated. Get some rest if you can. Goodnight. You are in my thoughts.”
It helped, just a bit. Caleb still tossed and turned for a while, unable to turn his brain off. But things were… maybe they were manageable. He had half a mind to take himself to Blumenthal tomorrow, find out where the boys’ parents lived and get them somewhere safe. Or maybe he could… no, they would not handle a stranger showing up at their door in the dead of the night very well.
****
Astrid came to the house the following morning, with sketches for Beauregard to distribute to the Cobalt Soul. It was odd to sit on the couch with her. Like friends would.
“Eadwulf is in the city with the Volstrucker we could mobilise,” she said. “If either of them come to Rexxentrum, between us and the monks, we will find them. I spoke to my guard contact; the families are okay.”
“Have we considered evacuating them?” asked Caleb. The thought had kept him up for a long time last night. Maybe it was the best option.
There was a flicker of discomfort across Astrid’s face for the barest of seconds. “I don’t trust the Crownsguard to handle a delicate mission like that. It would be up to us. Or perhaps the Soul, but I’m already stretching our relationship with them.”
“Yudala Fon knows the stakes,” said Caleb. “If you are not comfortable visiting Blumenthal yourself…”
“Are you?”
“I have been once. I can bear it again to save half a dozen lives.”
They both knew it wasn’t just the parents whose lives were in danger. If Felix and Nicolaus followed through on this and were not stopped…
Well, Caleb had lost eleven years, and then another six running and running and running. Astrid and Wulf had lost their freedom as well. And Caleb could not even begin to comprehend the special kind of pain it would bring these boys if they murdered their parents only to discover Trent had been in prison for weeks, his crimes exposed, his orders no longer in effect. Caleb wasn’t sure he could have survived that.
Astrid must have understood what Caleb was feeling, because she spoke gently. “It is an option. We could also leave them in place under guard to draw the boys out.”
“I would rather not.” Caleb could already conjure a dozen scenarios in which that could go horribly wrong. “Astrid, we cannot fuck this up. You and I both know these boys could overpower a Crownsguard, or sneak past a security detail. No risks. We have to move the families.”
Astrid opened her mouth to respond, and then paused, eyes drifting upwards in concentration. “Thanks, Wulf. Do not engage. Herd him towards us if you can. We will be there shortly.” She focused back on Caleb. “Felix is in the city. Eadwulf is trailing him. They are approaching from the south.” She hopped to her feet, and helped Caleb up. “Shall we?”
As they raced out the door, Caleb messaged Beauregard. “Felix has been spotted. Approaching The Tangles from the south. Wulf is trailing. We are headed to intercept. Could use a hand.”
“I’m in the Court of Colours, southwest of your position. I’ll link up with Eadwulf. Will get the monks to surround. We got this.”
“Beauregard is southwest of us,” Caleb told Astrid. “She’ll try to find Wulf and have the monks form a perimeter.”
“We only have one shot with Felix,” Astrid muttered. “This could make or break everything. No fuckups?”
“No fuckups.”
They ran.
As they drew closer to the suspected middle point, Caleb shot a quick message to Wulf. “We are close to the midpoint. Turning invisible now.” He grabbed Astrid’s hand, hiding them both from view.
Wulf’s response was a whisper. “Slowing down. I think he knows I’m here, but hasn’t done anything yet.”
Caleb was grateful most seventeen-year-old wizards had not yet figured out teleportation. He and Astrid also slowed, still hand-in-hand.
“We try to talk to him before we do anything aggressive,” Astrid whispered. “Get us close.”
“Worst case scenario, Beauregard stuns him and Wulf carries him somewhere we can have a secure conversation. I can try casting Suggestion if necessary, before we do anything to freak him out.”
They turned a corner and Caleb spotted the boy in a crowd of people carrying baskets and cloths and the like, probably headed to market. Felix was slim and blonde, and looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days. His shoulders were tight. The pair stayed ahead of him. Caleb spotted the instant Felix started getting a little too nervous, his eyes darting backwards for the barest of moments, towards Eadwulf, buried even as he was in the crowd.
Caleb tugged Astrid’s hand towards an alley before letting go and stepping into it, hoping he had read this right. Felix also turned into the alley, putting his back to the wall of a nearby inn, raising a hand to prepare a spell. Caleb recognised the somatic components of Scorching Ray. He prepared to counter it.
As soon as Wulf emerged, Felix tried to release the spell, and Caleb counterspelled, losing his invisibility.
Felix shook out his hands, still focused on Wulf. “Why are you following me, Eadwulf?”
Wulf raised an eyebrow. “Did you consider asking that before trying to set me on fire?”
Felix’s eyes narrowed, and Caleb wondered if Trent had tried to drive a wedge between the Volstruck, and Astrid and Wulf.
Astrid dropped her invisibility, appearing next to Wulf. “Felix, what’s the matter? Are you well?”
Her emergence did not calm Felix in the slightest. “Am I--” He scoffed. “Are you kidding?”
“We have been looking for you for weeks,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I have a mission to complete.”
Caleb considered recasting his invisibility, but the spell required verbal and somatic components. He just had to hold still and hope Astrid and Wulf commanded Felix’s attention until Caleb figured out what to do.
“Felix, you have been gone from the city for a long time,” said Astrid, and Caleb slowly reached for his component pouch. “Things have changed. Your mission, whatever it is, may no longer be viable.”
“We need to take you back to the Candles,” said Wulf.
Caleb felt his snake’s tongue and a piece of honeycomb, and began to slowly extract them from his pouch.
Felix didn’t move. “Why?”
Astrid glanced at Wulf, before evidently deciding on a course of action. “Trent has been arrested. We are trying to gather the Volstrucker so we can explain the charges against him.”
“That makes no sense.”
“Felix, what did he ask you to do?”
“It’s confidential.”
Caleb had the materials in his hand, so he rubbed the honeycomb against his lip, and spoke. “Felix, we are here to help you, but we need you to help us. Could we please have an honest conversation with each other?”
There was a moment where Caleb feared Felix would resist the Suggestion spell, and that Beauregard would have to swoop in and stun him. Felix turned to him, head cocked.
“Okay,” he said slowly. “You are Bren, right? Trent talks about you a lot.” He glanced at Astrid and Wulf. “He seemed worried the three of you were scheming behind his back.”
“Let’s head to his old office, ja? We have a lot to talk about. We will answer your questions, if you answer ours.”
“All right. Lead on.”
Caleb could not fucking believe that had worked. Judging from Astrid and Eadwulf’s brief but clearly shocked glances in his direction, they couldn’t believe it either.
****
Caleb couldn’t risk sending a message to Beauregard explaining what had happened, but she seemed to get the sense she shouldn’t reveal herself. Caleb led Felix through the city to the Academy, and up to Astrid’s office. They sat him in front of the fireplace.
Caleb crouched in front of him while Astrid stood by the fire, and Wulf leaned by the door. “Thank you for cooperating, Felix. Give me one moment. I need to message a friend who is going to help us.” He cast Sending. “Caduceus. We will need you in a moment.”
“I’m ready when you are.”
“I’ll go,” said Eadwulf. “Be right back.” With a muttered incantation, he had vanished.
“Where is he going?” asked Felix.
“To fetch a cleric friend of mine,” Caleb replied. “You look tired. Are you well?”
“Had a lot on my mind, I guess. Sleeping has been difficult.”
“I know the feeling.” Caleb looked to Astrid. “We should explain the situation, ja?”
“Why was Trent arrested?” asked Felix.
“A number of Volstrucker spoke with the Cobalt Soul about his training methods,” Astrid replied. “They documented it and took him to court. He’s in prison for life.”
Felix frowned. “I’m confused.”
Caleb should have expected Felix probably wouldn’t understand Trent’s behaviour as abuse; Caleb hadn’t either. “Felix, I would like you to listen to me.” He rolled up his sleeves so Felix could see the scars, which he was certain Felix shared. “A good teacher does not force his students to endure what we have.”
“We will face worse every day in our work,” Felix replied. “The pain… it makes us stronger.”
“And the residuum experiments? With no pain mitigation? I know people who have passed out in the process. Has that happened to you?”
“Once or twice,” Felix muttered, evidently still under the effects of the spell. “Puked more often.”
“Me too,” said Caleb, resisting the urge to scratch his itching scars. “It made me very ill most of the time. Astrid and Eadwulf had to force me to eat.”
“Why are you telling me this? Why are you asking me these questions?”
Astrid was gazing into the flames. “Felix, how old were you when Trent first hurt you?”
“Sixteen.”
Astrid managed to look at Caleb, just for a moment. “The same for him.” Astrid was a year older so it made sense to invoke Caleb instead, and maybe it was easier for her to project these things onto him.
Wulf popped back into the office, with the very welcome form of Caduceus beside him. Felix jumped, but Caleb had told him what was happening, and that seemed to be enough to stop him from bolting.
“Hallo, Caduceus,” said Caleb. “Can you give us just one more moment?” He turned back to Felix. “I’m going to have my friend Caduceus take a look at you and make sure you are well, but I would like to ask you a question first.”
“Fine.”
“What has Trent ordered you to do?”
Felix dropped his gaze to his lap. “My mother and father are plotting to betray the Empire. I have been asked to stop them.”
“That must have been weeks ago,” said Caleb. “What’s the matter?”
Felix scowled, and tried several times to supply an answer, as he was required to be honest while under the effects of Caleb’s specifically-worded spell. “I don’t know. They are not the people I thought they were. They are traitors. But. It’s not… I don’t know what to do. I’ve been waiting for Trent to give me more information, but I haven’t heard anything. I guess I was trying to figure out if there was a way I could convince them to…” He shook his head. “No. There is no mercy for traitors to the Empire.”
“I am sorry to hear that,” said Caleb. “It must be very difficult. May Caduceus take a look at you? You have clearly been under a great deal of stress.”
Felix had probably never seen a firbolg before, and he eyed Caduceus with trepidation. “What is he going to do?”
“It’s all right,” said Astrid. “He is a healer. The three of us have spent time in his family’s garden.”
“I… suppose…”
Caduceus approached slowly. “This will be quick, I promise. Just a healing spell to make you feel a bit better.” He already had the diamond dust for Greater Restoration in his palm. He touched Felix’s shoulder. It took a second for the spell to sink in, during which Caleb couldn’t breathe.
Then Felix slid to the floor, head in his hands. Astrid knelt beside him, whispering too quietly for Caleb to hear.
“One down,” Caduceus said softly, smiling at Caleb. “One to go.”
Caleb couldn’t speak. He watched Felix curl up on the floor, muttering to Astrid. She looked up at him, beckoned him over. Caleb knelt by her side.
“I don’t understand,” Felix said. “Why? Why? I don’t…” He shoved his fist against his mouth and screamed into it, eyes squeezed shut. “Why would he do this?”
There were a lot of things Caleb could say; he was not convinced any of them were right. But he had to say something. “He’s done this to all of us. Every Volstrucker went through this to graduate.”
“He does it for a few reasons,” Astrid said, quiet but somewhat detached. “It eliminates any family connections, leaving us reliant on Trent. And then, we’ve done the worst thing we thought we could do. Anything Trent has us do after that means very little. And those who break…” She looked at Caleb. “They are held up as an example of failure that we are measured against. We all know Bren’s name for a reason. First, as an example of failure, of weakness. Later, an example of endurance, of admirable but problematic stubbornness. A cautionary tale nonetheless.”
Felix looked to Caleb as well. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information?”
Caleb wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know what Felix would tolerate, and there was a pressing matter. “First things first, we need to find Nicolaus.”
Felix drew his knees up to his chest and hid his face against them. “I don’t know where he is. We argued and then we went our separate ways.”
“What did you argue about?”
“I wanted to come here and find Trent. Ask about the order. See if there was anything we could… I don’t know.”
“And what did he want?”
“Nico doesn’t know what he wants. He was always more scared of Trent than I am.”
“Okay, we have ways to track him down. Caduceus, can you scry today?”
“I can,” Caduceus said slowly. “Might I also recommend, if Mr Felix knows the spell, that he should try Sending to him.”
“I don’t know that spell,” Felix said thickly. Caleb would just make out the side of his face, to see it was screwed up as if in pain.
“I can teach you,” said Caleb, “but I suspect it will take more time than we have right now.” Sending was an Evocation spell, so it would probably only take Felix three hours instead of six to copy it into his spellbook and practice it until he could do it, but that was still too long.
Caduceus sat cross-legged on the floor. “Do you have anything of his? Or a likeness?”
Wulf handed him a sketch. “Does this help?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Caduceus closed his eyes and began the ritual.
“I can try messaging Nico,” Astrid said, gripping her copper wire. “Nicolaus. It’s Astrid. I must meet with you in Trent’s office. It’s an urgent matter.” She waited, scowled. “Nothing.”
Caleb refused to panic, no matter how bad that sounded. “Okay. Good to know.”
Felix lifted his head. “What if we’re too late?”
“We don’t know that yet,” said Caleb. “Whatever happens, we will deal with it.”
Felix frowned at the floor. “What happens to me now?”
“We can take you home to your parents once we’ve got an idea of Nico’s situation,” said Caleb. “Unless you need more time.”
“Just a bit. I think. But I’d like to see them. Not today.”
“There is plenty of dormitory space for however long you need,” said Astrid. “Bren will visit you regularly once you are with your parents, to check in.” Felix nodded. That had not been discussed, but it was something that Caleb would want to do, so he let it slide.
The ten minutes it took for Caduceus to complete the spell were some of the longest of Caleb’s life. But then Caduceus’s eyes went white, and it seemed to be working.
Caduceus began to narrate what I saw. “I see your boy. He’s in a field. The clouds are pretty dark. It’s hard to see much. I think I see some buildings ahead of him. I’ll follow him for a bit.”
There was a sick feeling in the pit of Caleb’s stomach. “We should be ready, just in case.”
Astrid’s fingers weaved around the wire. “Expositor, are you close by? We may need your assistance. Come to my office on the--ugh, just ask for directions.” She listened. “Expositor Lionett is outside the Academy. She will be here soon.”
Caduceus spoke again. “He is approaching the village. Not many people in the streets. Probably the incoming storm. He looks like he has a goal.”
“What can you see of the buildings?” asked Caleb. “Any signs?”
“The signs are Zemnian,” said Caduceus. “The buildings look like farmhouses, mostly. I think I saw an orchard.”
“Blumenthal is a farming town,” Caleb muttered. “Fuck.”
Beauregard burst through the door, gasping for breath. “I’m here!” She doubled over, hands on her knees, as she sucked in air.
“Get ready to move,” said Wulf, stony-faced. “It looks bad.”
“Shit.” She gulped in another breath. “Okay.”
Caleb felt a little better now that she was here, but he was wound too tight to process it. “Caduceus. Is there anything else?”
“He’s picking up speed. Turned a corner. Looking at a house in the distance, I think.”
Caleb did not let himself feel anything. He turned to Felix. “Felix, do you know where Nico’s parents live?”
“On the northeastern edge of town.” Felix’s voice was as tense as Caleb. “Look for the cabbages.”
“Danke.” He squeezed Felix’s shoulder and pushed himself to his feet. “We need to go.”
Caduceus was still in the vision. “Go on ahead. I’ll stay here with Felix. If I see anything I think is useful, I will Send. But it will break the scry.”
Caleb gathered Astrid, Wulf and Beauregard around him and cast teleport, aiming for the northeastern end of Blumenthal. He knew it well, once.
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seafleece · 4 years
Text
beau’s asleep.
she sleeps heavy, for a monk. for an ex-pos-i-tor, or maybe it’s exactly how an expositor sleeps. tired of paying attention to everything, intent on taking in nothing, on being dead to the loud, bright world for just a little while. jester doesn’t really have anything to compare it to— doesn’t want anything to compare it to.
she doesn’t really remember when beau started taking her hair down to bed.
and, you know, it probably started the same way things start between people. blamed on other circumstances, the first time— probably she’d just finished washing blood out of it, or something— and just. never quite changed back. it’s separate, at first, and then the break in routine becomes the routine. becomes meaningful, in secret, until missing it would mean missing a whole lot more, too.
more like she braids beau’s hair sometimes, when they’re staying somewhere that has good washtubs or, dare to dream, proper bathrooms— beau likes baths, that’s something no one else knows, never passes up the chance to wash off the grime of travel. she’ll come back to the room looking pleased and sleepy, like a cat, and she’ll sit at the foot of the bed while jester brushes out her hair all silky and braids it loose.
more like she sometimes steals beau’s hair ribbons and ties them on her horn so she gets to be the one to put it back up in the morning, and beau pretends to be mad about it but never really is. because she could just wait until jester is asleep and steal it back, but she doesn’t, because beau sleeps heavy.
beau sleeps like she’s not afraid jester will look at her with her hair down and fanning out over the pillows. which she does, sometimes.
it’s not the first time beau sleeps with her hair down that jester starts writing questions, but it’s the first time jester notices she always does it.
so the first question she writes down is about that, but after a while it sort of just answers itself.
other ones aren’t so easy.
why do you like yasha?
why are you only nice to me?
what’s kissing a girl like?
do you want to have kids someday?
you said you thought of nicodranas when obann tried to charm you. what does that mean?
you said you didn’t want to hurt me. why don’t you think you leaving would hurt me?
have you ever loved anyone else?
maybe it’s because i only had momma and the traveler for so long— and bluud, i guess— but i have never really loved someone like this before, you know?
did you love tori? it’s cool if you did, i promise i’m not jealous. maybe it’s better if you did, if you had practice— you have to learn stuff while you’re loving someone, i had to learn that, too. it takes a while to figure out why you feel that weird heavy thing in your chest all the time, even when they’re not around. like swallowing a magnet or something. i’ve never swallowed a magnet before, caleb says it’s really dangerous and could rip a big hole in your stomach, but i think that’s what it would feel like.
maybe you knew all that stuff before me, because you had practice. i’m sorry it took me so long, but i get it now. i wish i knew right away, that that’s what you meant on the boat. or did you not know you meant it then, either?
veth says you told her a while ago, and that you sounded really sad. i’m sorry you had to be so sad about it. i keep thinking about you being sad all that time and wishing i could go back and tell you it was going to get better. i guess that’s what love is though, huh? wishing you could undo the stuff that hurts somebody even if doesn’t make sense, because you just don’t want them to hurt at all.
i guess i wanted to write this because i want you to know that someone loves you like that, you know? i hope someone loved you like that before, at least once. there’s stuff i don’t know about that happened to you, so i can’t wish it didn’t happen yet, but if someone loved you then, then they probably wished for it. but maybe you can just tell me, if you want to. i’ll always want you to.
i dreamed about nicodranas again. i know you want us all to be together after this and we will be, i promise, but i dreamed that it was just us in the house on the beach—and nugget, of course. it was night and all the windows were open so everything smelled like the ocean, and you had your hair down. that’s how i knew it was just us, because your hair was down. i used to wonder why it was only me who saw you like that, but i get it now. there’s stuff about yourself you only want to give to certain people. i’m glad you want to give that to me.
i hope i’m brave enough to tell you all this. maybe i won’t be, but at least it’ll be here for you to maybe read, if i’m too scared. momma wrote a lot of letters to dad while he was away and she never sent any of them anywhere, not even now that she knows where he is, but maybe i’ll be different. i always wished for someone like dad was to momma, but i think you’re better. it just took me a little while to realize.
beau’s asleep.
she says something into the pillow and the arm she has slung into jester’s lap curls, tries to pull her closer, but jester’s sitting up against the headboard.
after a moment, the eye jester can see opens, casts a glance up at her. she can only see half of beau’s face but the smile that curls onto it is plain, sunny.
“— drawing?”
“what?” she smooths a strand of hair from beau’s face, lingers to wind it around her finger and tug softly.
beau turns to look at her fully, blinking slow and lazy like a cat. her arm tightens across jester’s lap again.
“what’re you drawing?”
her voice is like crumpled paper, thin and raspy.
“oh,” and she looks down at the page, her cramped handwriting. “nothing, just writing a letter.” her free hand releases the strand of hair to curl along beau’s cheek, and she turns into it, eyes closed.
“mm. who’s it for?”
“you. i’ve been working on it for awhile. i just finished.”
“can i read it?”
beau’s eyes open, a facsimile of alertness, but her eyelids do that funny flutter she knows means she’s trying not to fall asleep again.
“in the morning,” jester says, heart skipping, and she closes the book with a soft snap. “go back to sleep.”
when beau’s arm tries to curl again she lets it, lets herself be pulled against beau’s side and stay there. she thinks about the end of a story, she thinks about a house in nicodranas, on a cliff, footprints in the sand, and then she falls asleep.
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Beaujes prompt? First kiss?
and you stood at your door with your hands on my waist,and you kissed me like you meant it.and i knew that you meant it(that you meant it)
//
“Talk to her,” Fjord says, his words dripping with more than a little frustration.
You roll your eyes and fling a handful of sand back at him.
It’s new, this thing you do together. Caduceus is so good at meditating, so comfortable with being still. But you and Fjord—the son of no one and the daughter of too many—are still struggling with it. He seems very intent on establishing himself as a proper follower of Melora, someone who takes time to consider his role and relationship with his god. Fjord is settling nicely into piety, and you simply need to learn how to exist comfortably inside yourself.
So most mornings you sit together wherever you are, even if it’s just for a few minutes. You have coats and furs when there’s snow, the shelter of trees for rain, boulders to shield against strong winds. No matter the weather, you find time to be calm with each other.
And so you find yourself on a beach in Nicodranas, sitting back-to-back with one of your first friends, watching the sun rise over the ocean. This is your favorite place in the entire world, and only slightly because of the place itself.
Fjord is breaking protocol by speaking but you’re not too bothered; you were itching to move anyway.
“It’s not—it’s stupid,” you mumble. “But I can’t.”
“Beau, if anyone can talk to Jester—and really, anyone can—it’s certainly you.”
“No, I know, but like—” You dig your hands into the sand and clam up, digging as much as you can within your reach until you find a rock. It’s a small one, and you’re too far away from the water to make it in, but you throw it anyway.
“Do you think you’ll ruin your friendship?” Fjord prods.
You’ve thought about that before, when you first told Nott about your crush on Jester. It used to worry you but it doesn’t anymore, not after spending time with Jester afterwards without noticing any changes. Certainly there were changes on your end—feelings sit differently within you once you’ve said them out loud—but Jester was the same, cheery and understanding and so, so bright. She relaxed you immediately even if she didn’t know she was doing it.
“No,” you finally reply. “But it’s like—remember how Yasha was once we got her back? Like, how it just seemed like she was waiting for one of us to beat her up and she kind of flinched whenever we smiled? It’s like that.”
“I don’t follow.”
You sigh. “Whatever she feels, Jester is going to be so nice about it, and I—I can’t handle that, man.”
“So you’re just going to suffer in silence?”
“What are you guys talking about?” Jester yells, and you’re more startled than you should be. You whip around to see that she’s maybe thirty feet away, smiling and carrying a plate of donuts.
You elbow Fjord as hard as you can without Jester noticing. “You couldn’t warn me she was coming?” you hiss. “I’m gonna make you suffer.”
“Oh, I’m quaking in my boots,” Fjord responds monotonously. But you feel him rubbing his side, and you’re soothed.
You get up and dust off your pants, walking over to Jester to take the plate from her hands. “Nothing, Jes,” you say with a smile. “Just meditating.”
“Okay.” She hugs you, squishes in closer the way she does when she’s cold and wants to steal your warmth. You can’t fight a smile even as you roll your eyes, hugging back with the hand not holding the plate. As she pulls away she presses a kiss to your cheek, leaving behind a few sugar crystals; you wonder if maybe that was closer to the corner of your mouth than she intended.
“Uh…”
“Good morning, Beau!” she chirps. 
“Yeah, mornin’.”
Jester hugs Fjord with the same enthusiasm; he gives you a very deliberate look over Jester’s shoulder and you furiously shake your head.
“Are you guys about to work out or can we eat a big sugary breakfast?”
You should say no. You should stick to your training. Your body is your weapon and you can’t run the risk of letting it malfunction.
Your father and the monks trained you to be hard—for Jester, you will endure sentiment and sweetness.
“We can take a day off, I guess.”
Fjord quickly pumps his fist as the three of you sit down, plate of breakfast pastries in the middle as you all face each other. Jester immediately grabs the biggest one and smiles at you as she takes a bite, her eyes twinkling as if she knows a very good secret.
It takes everything you have not to visibly swoon. From the way Fjord coughs, you think maybe you did anyway.
Fuck, you have to talk to her.
/
But Jester sweeps you up in her energy the same way she always does, pulling you along for the ride and allowing you to forget, even for a few hours, about the part of you that is going to explode one of these days.
Every time you’re in Nicodranas, Jester wants to be outside, to do something fun or show you some special, secret place. But you’re just as happy to stay inside as long as you’re with her, so you don’t mind when it starts to rain and the two of you hole up in her bedroom.
It’s just as chaotic as Jester is, which isn’t a surprise. There are drawings and figurines shoved into drawers and shelves, worn and well-read books piled wherever there’s room. Organized chaos, but chaos nonetheless. You smile to yourself over the next few hours as you imagine Jester at the Cobalt Soul, frustrating every monk who might have tried to rein her in. Not even Dairon has that much patience, you’d wager.
As the afternoon wears on into evening and the rain doesn’t stop, both of you mellow out, setting aside card games and childhood mementos for storytelling. You never had any of this growing up, the kind of bonding that comes at night when people are relaxed and close to each other. You got along with some kids at school but your father was too protective to let you out of the house even for a night. Eventually, your friend group tightened and moved on without you.
You never really missed it until Jester, until you found someone with whom you deserved to share quiet nights.
“Beau?”
Your head bounces a little from where it rests on Jester’s stomach as she speaks. You’re both laying down—Jester vertically, her ankles crossed over each other, and you horizontally, so you can bounce a rubber ball off her wall. Using her as a pillow is just an added bonus, really, and you’re sure she would have suggested it if you hadn’t assumed.
“Hm?”
“We haven’t really talked about, well, about Kamordah, and I totally understand if you don’t want to, I really do, but—we’re best friends, right?”
“‘Course we are.”
“And best friends should be able to say everything to each other, even the hard things.”
You catch the ball and don’t throw it again. “Especially the hard things,” you say, trying very hard to calm your quickening pulse.
“Okay.”
Jester rests her hands near your head, absently tickling your hairline whenever her fingers get close enough.
“What’s up, Jes?”
“Do you think you’ll ever go back?” she asks, tripping over her words.
You crinkle your brows. “What, like to stay? Not a chance.”
“No, no; not to stay. But, family is complicated and I know your dad is a shitbag. He doesn’t deserve you, any part of you, and I wanted to punch him so much…” Jester takes a calming breath or two; you turn your head and look up at her, at the way she consciously works to relax her pursed lips. You can’t help laughing when she catches your eye.
She smiles back and scratches your forehead on purpose this time.
“You would be such a good big sister,” Jester says, her eyes soft and sincere. “You’re so good, Beau—you’re so, so good—and you deserve the chance to give that to someone.”
“What do you think I keep you around for?” you tease.
By the way she looks at you, you think maybe Jester didn’t take it as teasing.
“Right,” she says, laughing halfheartedly. “It’s stupid; I shouldn’t tell you how to feel about your family.” She sits up on her elbows and looks out of the window, sighing when the rain doesn’t stop. “Sorry we’ve been stuck inside all day.”
You hum, just a little noise to show you’re there, that you’re listening. You want to pull her fingers down and tangle them with yours.
“What would you do,” you ask gently, “if you had a sibling?”
“Oh my gosh.” Jester huffs out a large breath; you can practically see the swirl of images and fantasies that must be playing in her mind. “I would teach them so much, like how to steal food from the kitchen or sneak up on Bluud or how to prank Mama’s clients, except I would make sure they were better at it than I was so they wouldn’t get caught.”
“You’d still want to get caught?”
“Well, yah,” Jester says, like it’s the most obvious answer. “If I hadn’t gotten caught, Mama wouldn’t have sent me away and I wouldn’t have found you. It’s like, I guess it’s like you and the Cobalt Soul only with less kidnapping.”
“Mm. Yeah, that’s a good thing to not have in your life.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t have needed the Traveler if I had a sibling,” Jester muses. Maybe the Traveler wouldn’t have needed you, you think, but that’s a conversation for another day.
“That’s okay, though,” she continues. “I found most of this stuff on my own anyway.” She gestures to the knick-knacks that litter the room. “I guess it sounds stupid, when I put it like that. Wanting a sibling just so I can show them pranks.”
“Are you kidding? That’s exactly what siblings are made for.” You sit up and try not to jostle Jester too much. You look around the room, taking stock of all the stolen trinkets and homemade crafts. “Here, okay.” You stand and reach for a music box on Jester’s bedside table. “This? This is the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
You cross the room and reach for a figurine on top of Jester’s bookcase that seems to be made of dried fruit and noodles. “This?” you say, pointing to it with an exaggerated finger. “Also the coolest fucking thing. And this?” You reach for a small ceramic owlbear, holding it between two knuckles as the noodle-man rests in your palm. “Absolutely fucking rad. This whole room is full of memories, Jes. Even if you only wanted a sibling just to share this stuff….what a gift, man. There’s like—” You flip the owlbear into the air and catch it on the back of your hand. “I could spend a whole day in here, just to listen to you tell me the stories of how you got all these things.”
You shove your hands in your pockets and look around at the piles and stacks of brightly colored novelties. Something buzzes inside your chest, a forgotten yearning. “Maybe I will go back again,” you mutter, mostly to yourself.
But Jester is waiting for you when you turn back around. She’s standing so close you’re not sure how you didn’t hear her sneaking up on you.
“Do you mean that?” she whispers. Your face falls at the heaviness in her cheeks, the worry and wet in her eyes.
“What, about Kamordah? I dunno,” you shrug. “Not for my parents, but TJ—”
“No.” Jester shakes her head. “No, not Kamordah. About—about all these stupid things.”
“Oh. Well, yeah.” You rock back on your heels a little. “Nothing’s stupid when it’s yours, Jes.”
She looks at you like she might cry, like she’s carrying entire worlds behind her eyes and they’re on the verge of spilling out. You think about the few people you’ve looked at like that—you wonder, just a little—but no—
Jester kisses you just as you’re trying not to get your hopes up.
It’s clumsy, little more than just a firm press of her lips, but it’s so—Jester is everywhere else, insistent and enveloping. She walks you backwards and your surprised when your back hits her door—surely you were floating a moment ago.
Jester rests her hands on your hips; she’s unsure where to put them, you can tell. You also couldn’t care less, and you wrap your arms around her and kiss her until you run out of breath.
“Fuck, Jes,” you huff, at the same time that she heaves and “Oh my god, Beau.”
Both of you laugh, quiet and special and only for each other. 
“Well.” You lick your lips, cup her cheek and swipe your thumb gently over the bridge of her nose. “We have some things to talk about.”
“Mhm.”
“But maybe, we could nap first?”
Jester smiles and nods, takes your hand and leads you back to her bed. You realize when you lie down that you’re still holding the two toys.
Jester lifts up her covers and waits for you to settle against her. You balance the owlbear and pasta-creature on her stomach and laugh as they immediately fall over.
“I’m gonna fall asleep soon,” you yawn, “but tell me a story first.”
Jester’s voice is just as warm as her arms, and when you sleep, you dream of her.
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mefd19 · 4 years
Text
Failing Forward PT 2
PT1
Two days out from Port Zoon they paused in the route to hunt and fix a broken wheel. It was good timing, according to Caduceus.
“We should probably make a plan.” Caduceus ladled soup into bowls. Caleb tasted his politely before reaching for the salts. “There are children involved, so we should be extra careful.”
“I think Beau is good with kids,” Jester grinned, “Remember how she was with her brother? It was so sweet, Beau.”
Beau shrugged and tilted her head. “I could help with gathering information I guess. And I mean, I am your first mate, so I’m happy to go in there for you.” 
“Yeah, something tells me the Matron won’t be as receptive to your brand of charm.” Fjord made an apologetic face. “At least from what I know of her she’s very protective of the children, and who she lets near them.”
“Oh!” Veth popped her head up from her bowl. “What if I pretend to be an orphan! I can change my shape and-”
Everyone shook their heads with varying degrees of intensity. 
“The kids aren’t allowed in the business areas,” Fjord explained.
At the same time Caleb said, “It would be incredibly taxing to keep you in character long enough.”
“Listen,” Fjord held up a hand. “I appreciate everyone wanting to help me, but this should be relatively easy. I walk in, I ask about business details as if I’m interested in adopting, find out what Sabien’s interest is. If he’s just trying to pay it forward, so be it and we walk away.”
Caleb set his bowl aside and rubbed his mouth. “You said the Matron is protective?”
“Yes, bless her. One of the good ones, from what I’ve heard. I hope that's true.” There’s a shadow there, under Fjord’s words and behind his eyes. A shadow Caleb recognizes when he looks in the mirror. 
Yasha tilted her head. “Wait, what if Sabien is there? Will he try to kill you again?”
Fjord shook his head. “He’s not in Zoon right now. At least as far as Kotho could tell.”
“So the plan is; you walk into the orphanage and ask about adopting.” Caleb asked.
“Yes, that’s about the long and short of it.”
“And the Matron will be amenable to that?”
For a moment Fjord paused. “Well, alright, maybe she will say no, but-”
“Oh,” Caduceus nodded, “I see what Mister Caleb means.”
“What’s wrong with me asking to adopt a child?” Fjord drew his eyebrows down and spread his hands wide, confused. “I was an orphan myself once, it makes sense I would come back to help another.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Caleb held a hand out. “Nothing at all. It’s very in character. I just think it might be better if you had a partner. Two parents are better than one, are better than none.”
“That’s very good Caleb,” Caduceus smiled and nodded. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find any important information too.”
“Wait,” Caleb stilled, eyes going a bit wide. “I didn’t mean-”
“Suddenly I’m marrying Caleb?!” Fjord yelped, looking between Caleb and Caduceus. “Hold on just a-”
“-figured someone else would-”
“Ok ok ok!” Jester held her hands up. “We get it! Jeez. You guys don’t like each other enough to go undercover together, fine.”
Without missing a beat they both instantly started talking again.
“That’s not what I meant Caleb, I didn’t-”
“-wasn’t trying to push myself into the middle of-”
“-obviously you’re the most qualified because-”
Yasha whistled, low and drawn out. “Anyone else think they’re being weird about this?”
“Definitely.” Beau raised an eyebrow. “You two do make the most sense though, so maybe stow the panic for a second. Fjord’s got the know-how, and he talks good. Caleb talks good when he has to and he can find damn near anything that’s written down.”
“Plus he can pass messages with me,” Veth twirled the copper wire between her fingers before vanishing it back into her dress. “And it makes sense they would be at an orphanage. Newlyweds looking to start their family.”
“You can even use some of your real history in your cover!” Jester grinned and clasped her hands under her chin. “Oh how sweet, a teacher falling for his student!”
Beau grinned as she caught on. “That’s great Jess! Caleb was a teacher in, I don’t know, maybe Alfield? And Fjord went to learn magic after he got burned out working the docks.”
“And they’re coming back here to escape the war.” Caduceus nodded. “Nice and simple, I like it.”
“Great,” Fjord snapped. His cheeks were darker green than normal and he was avoiding looking at Caleb. “Now that you have my life re-written to suit your fantasy-”
“I’m sorry, Fjord.”
Caleb’s voice was so quiet, his face turned away, that it was surprising Fjord heard him at all. But he stopped and looked at the ground between his feet.
Caleb is good at something, after all. 
Fucking up.
---
Caleb’s spell components were exactly as he left them. He ran his fingers over the strange assortment of things, counting and recounting, looking for any sign that they would not perform. Satisfied, he began tucking them away again, updating his internal list of things he should purchase when the opportunity arose. Each small pouch was filled, patted. The drawstring was drawn tight, bringing the smaller compartments together and cinching the top.
“All set?”
Despite what Fjord liked to claim, Caleb did not spontaneously levitate. He was startled, because he thought his traveling companions were polite, and polite people do not sneak up and startle their friends. 
When Fjord stopped cackling to himself he leaned against the back of the cart Caleb was seated in. “Jester said you had some paperwork for us?”
“Yes.” Caleb had to lean to pull his bag out from under himself, muttering under his breath about sneaky green folk making his life harder. “Here, sign this one, make sure it looks alright.”
Fjord took the paper and his hand brushed against Caleb’s for a moment, eyes already flicking over the paper's contents. Caleb clenched his fingers and swallowed.
“This is uncharacteristically brazen of you, Caleb.”
His head whipped up to look at Fjord, eyes wide and throat tight. Did he think- did he know that-
But Fjord’s eyes were soft and teasing, and he tilted the paper at Caleb. “Also wholly unromantic. A marriage proposal by thrusting a certificate for me to sign? My dear we are going to have to work on your acts of love.”
“Oh.” Caleb’s mind was blank. “Er…”
Fjord rolled his eyes and turned back to the paper. “Relax, Caleb, I’m joking.” Then he frowned and tapped near the bottom. “What’s this about?”
Caleb leaned forward and peeked over the edge of the sheaf. “Those are our names, Fjord.”
In response Fjord threw him a look. “Yes, thank you master wizard. Except you took my last name.”
Looking up at Fjord’s face Caleb realized he made a mistake. Or maybe two. But one was definitely thinking it was a good idea to lean into Fjord’s space to look at the paper. He was too close to Fjord, who was looking down at him intensely. It made it hard to focus.
“Is that a problem?” He managed. Fjord’s eyes tightened and he chewed his lip for a moment. 
“I mean…” Fjord thought for a moment. “I suppose it isn’t. Not really? But also, I don’t think we should use my real name. I mean, something Sabien would recognize. Or could be traced back to us later.”
Of course. “Of course. I should have thought of that.” 
Fjord slid down so he was at Caleb’s eye level, resting on the back step of the cart. “Well, I don’t mind taking the name Widogast, but you’ve been using it for a while now haven’t you? That might be getting recognizable too.”
Caleb suddenly thought Fjord Ermendrud unbidden and inhaled sharply. “Probably,” he got out. “We could pick something new?”
“Hmm.” Fjord squinted out, across the fields. “Likely something Zemnian.”
“Why Zemnian?” Caleb frowned at Fjord. Did he think he needed to conform or something? Fjord had a habit of feeling inadequate, he didn’t even reveal his last name out of shame for months. Caleb had thought taking ‘Stone’ for his name would be appreciated, and now Fjord was turning things around on him. Again.
“Well my dear,” Fjord flourished a hand, cluing Caleb in that he was putting on airs. “We planned on staying in the Empire before this dreadful war started. Of course I would take a proper Zemnian name to help me fit in, so I wouldn’t draw so much attention to my beloved.”
“Hmm,” Caleb scratched his chin idly. “I appreciate that you were willing to give up your love of the ocean to be with me. But I think I was secretly thrilled to leave. We probably fought quite a bit about who got to be the martyr.”
Fjord barked out another laugh and Caduceus paused in walking by to turn and watch them. “Too true. But still- when we married we planned to stay in the Empire. A Zemnian name?”
“Gebirge?” Caleb tried. “Caleb and Fjord Gebirge? Or if you would rather have some alliteration, perhaps Felsen?”
“I like Felsen,” Caduceus said with a smile. He walked over to peer at the paper. “Fjord Felsen. Rolls off the tongue.”
After a moment in thought Fjord nodded. “It does sound rather Zemnian.”
“Here,” Caleb flipped through his papers and pulled out another, unsigned. “Let me just-” as he scribbled his new signature. Caleb Felsen
He blew on the ink for a moment, narrowed his eyes as he scanned the rest of the page, and handed it to Fjord. “Your turn.”
This time Caleb tried to keep their hands from touching, but the quill was small and delicate. Fjord’s hand covered his entirely as he slipped the instrument from his fingers. 
Fjord Felsen
“Wonderful,” Caleb pulled the paper away and rolled it up. “Now you are bound to me, my condolences.”
At that Fjord grinned again and rubbed his palm. “Does Felsen mean anything or is it an old Zemnian name?”
“Stone, rock.”
Caduceus’ laugh was loud, startled out of him, and Fjord narrowed his eyes at Caleb. “You sneak.”
Caleb ducked his head, cheeks slightly flushed. Entirely too pleased with himself.
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yfere · 4 years
Text
Apology Meta Part 2: Episodes 28 to 84
In which yours truly learns how to color coordinate their Excel charts!
This is a long one, friends
The Method
I’ve been using a word search tool on Critical Role Transcripts. Inclusion criteria: the words “sorry” and “apolo–” (root for apologize, apologizing, apologies). I looked at each instance of these words and tallied both who was apologizing and who was being apologized to by looking at surrounding context. Exclusion criteria: speaking OOC, “sorry” used in the sense of asking a person to repeat themselves, “sorry” used in the sense of expressing sympathy, and “apology” being used in the sense of discussing apologies as a subject, rather than actively apologizing. Limitations: This method is reliant on the completeness of the transcripts it works off of. It can’t really gauge the sincerity of each individual apology, the line between IC and OOC is sometimes fuzzy, and it’s also possible for characters to apologize without using the words “sorry” “apologies,” etc. Interrater reliability is also nil–I did NOT double check this work or ask someone else to code the transcripts to compare. Confounding variables: You could say there is a large blind spot in this data....... welcome back, Ashley!
Part 1: Who Apologizes the Most?
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With a party average of 76.42 apologies, Fjord, Caleb, and Jester apologize an average amount, while Beau and Nott apologize far more than average, and Caduceus and Yasha apologize far less.
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If you subtract apologies to NPCs from the party’s totals, the same general pattern holds true, save that Nott overtakes Beau in overall apologies (due in part to her 23 apologies to Caleb--the most any character has apologized to a single other character)
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And for your edification, here is a cumulative apologies line graph so you can look at the rate at which these apologies are racking up. You can, for example see the huge spike in Nott’s apologies in episode 66, as she made a record-setting 14 apologies in a single episode.
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From episode 28 onwards, Fjord shifts his pattern of apologies--he apologizes less to NPCs and more to individual party members. Some items of note: Fjord apologizes to Caleb individually almost as often as he apologizes to the party as a whole, and Yasha is the only party member Fjord has not apologized to.
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Beau’s apologies hold to the same general pattern as in the first 28 episodes. She has a slight preference for apologizing to Fjord, Jester (and narrowly, Caleb). Future research should examine whether apologies to NPCs were on behalf of the self or on behalf of the party--I noticed but did not track with numbers that both Caleb and Beau, (and Fjord to a lesser extent) when apologizing to NPCs, often do so on behalf of the group as a whole, or members besides themselves.
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Proportionally, Caleb’s apologies to NPCs decreased dramatically as his apologies to individual party members and the party collectively increased. He is more or less an equal opportunity apologizer within the party.
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With the introduction of Yeza and Nott becoming more free to take on the role of a “face” within the Dynasty, Nott’s apologies to NPCs increased a great deal, displacing her (still extremely sizable!) preference for apologizing to Caleb. Jester emerges here as another favorite target for apologies.
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Jester also increases her apologies towards NPCs, and becomes more of an equal-opportunity apologizer. While Jester has never been prone to apologize to the party as a whole, she all but stops doing so here--apologizing to the party a total of 1 (1) time, in episode 70, for not having Sending prepared.
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Over the course of all episodes, Caduceus has individually apologized to each member of the Mighty Nein once, with the exception of Beau, who he apologized to twice. In his introductory scene, Caduceus apologized to the party several times--for not having enough cups, for the state of the Savalierwood, and for not knowing who the Iron Shepherds were. Caduceus is the only party member to routinely apologize to flora and fauna. Future research can look into what exact proportion of NPC apologies were directed at non-sentient life.
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Considering not only Yasha’s extremely low apology count but also the few episodes she appeared in, it’s difficult to draw definitive conclusions about her apology habits. Her apologies to the party increased proportionally throughout these episodes, several of these spoken while botted by Matthew, after the battle beneath the well when she was charmed into turning on the party. She’s also increased her apologies to Nott, in partial consequence to their growth in interactions over this period.Throughout the course of the entire campaign, Yasha has not apologized to Caleb, and has not yet apologized to Caduceus.
Part 2: Who Gets Apologized To?
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With an average of 36.86 apologies per M9 member, Fjord, Caleb, and Jester retain their lead from episodes 1-27 in being the party members most often apologized to. Beau, Caduceus and Yasha are near the bottom as before, with Nott receiving roughly an average number of apologies. There is a slightly widening gap in apologies between the person earning the most apologies (Caleb) and the person earning the least (Yasha)--the range of scores shifting from 24 to 33.
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As before, Beau is far and away the M9 member most likely to apologize to Fjord, and Fjord the most likely to react with surprise when she does so (see: the Ball-Eater when Beau apologized for snapping, and the hotel in Xhorhas when Beau apologized for seeming distant this scientist is salty ok) Proportionally, Jester and Nott have both emerged as some of the most likely to apologize to Fjord, although Caleb doubled his slice of the pie of apologies from the first 27 episodes as well. 
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Chaos Crew and Team Human demonstrate their team spirit as the leaders in apologies to Beau. Unlike in episodes 1-27, in this sample every member of the Mighty Nein has apologized to Beau at least once.
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Generally speaking, it takes an event to unseat Beau as the lead apologizer, but Nott does so by a significant margin. Spikes in Nott’s fairly consistent apology rate to Caleb occur in episodes 49 (5 apologies as she reveals her backstory) and 66 (4 apologies as she panics over her missing flask). Fjord also emerges as a leader in apologies to Caleb, with his largest spike of 4 apologies in episode 33, when he startles Caleb at the beach.
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These are roughly the same pattern of apologies Nott received in episodes 1-27! Beau is far and away the most likely to apologize to Nott, with Fjord and Jester coming in next. Caleb’s apologies are sparing, but outside of the data he does have a history of intense nonverbal or indirect apologies--such as after the Happy Fun Ball dragon incident, and after her relating her story in Felderwin.
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Chaos Crew is neck and neck in the competition for the “I apologized most to Jester” award. Fjord increases his apologies to Jester by a huge degree as well (from 0% to 12%--a huge leap!) while Caleb’s apology rate stays fairly consistent.
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Since Caduceus’ debut, he has been apologized to roughly equally by most members of the Mighty Nein, though surprisingly and contrary to usual patterns, Beau has apologized comparatively little to Caduceus! The sample size of apologies to Caduceus is comparatively small though, with the difference in Caleb and Nott/Fjord’s apology counts being 1 apology, and Jester’s lead consisting of 3 apologies. 
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Between Nott shooting Yasha full of arrows while charmed by Obann and accusing Yasha of stealing her flask (and going through Yasha’s things), Nott aimed a LOT of apologies in Yasha’s direction. Jester continues as from the first 27 episodes to be a leader in apologizing to Yasha, for being unable to help or save her. Fjord is the only member of the Mighty Nein in this sample who has not apologized to Yasha.
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While there were clear leaders in the people who apologized to NPCs in episodes 1-27 (Caleb and Beau), in this sample that burden is distributed far more equally, as Beau slightly increases her proportion of apologies and Caleb cuts his share of apologies (proportionally) nearly in half. Jester and Nott both expand their share of apologies, with Nott’s growth being the most dramatic of the party.
Discussion & Conclusion
This isn’t a real paper, I don’t owe you a conclusion.
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dracoqueen22 · 4 years
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[CR] Generosity Provides
Universe: Critical Role Campaign Two, And Other Virtues Series Characters: Fjord/Caduceus, The Mighty Nein Rating: K+ Enticements: None Description: Fjord notices things, too. And he notices that Caduceus needs to look after himself a bit more. For FjorClay Week, Day One “Battle Couple/Post Battle” Warmth washes over Fjord, followed by a ticklish tingle, and the last of his aches and pains vanish. He feels the smile of the Wildmother like sunshine on the crown of his head, and though he hadn’t noticed them, a few tiny scratches on his arm fade into nothing. The battle had been more of a skirmish. These days, a few dire badgers are nothing the Mighty Nein can't handle, but one had gotten past Fjord’s guard when he'd been aiming at the largest of them bearing down on Caleb, and weak or not, badger claws are sharp. It cut right through a gap in his armor, slicing under his arm.
"Thanks Caduceus," Jester says as she feeds little niblets to Sprinkle, looking none the worse for wear despite having been the one to stumble on the dire badgers first. There are a few rips in her cloak, but a quick Mending cantrip takes care of those. "Oh yeah, thanks," says Beau, like an afterthought, though she doesn't mean it that way. She's lounging near Jester, flopped on the leaf-littered ground, the claw marks on her arm healed to tiny red lines. She'd taken that blow for Jester. Unsurprising. "Oh, it's no trouble," says Caduceus, and Fjord's belly does that little flip-flop it always does when he hears Caduceus' voice. "The hut will be ready in a moment," Caleb offers from nearby as he methodically stakes out the perfect location and begins the ritual which will create their protective bubble for the night. "Take your time. I don't think those badgers wanna mess with us anymore," Beau drawls. It’s hard to tell if she’s serious, or genuinely annoyed. She really needs to work on her tone. Fjord makes a mental note of it. "They definitely don't want to mess with you, Beau," Jester says, poking Beau in one of her envious deltoids. "I think you punched that one so hard his momma felt it." They laugh. Caduceus picks his way through their gathered friends, past Nott fiddling with her crossbow because it had jammed on her earlier, and past Yasha, carefully running a whetstone over her blade. "There you are," Caduceus says with a slow smile. "Here I am." Fjord pats the empty space beside him, which he'd left specifically for his -- boyfriend? lover? Partner? -- he’s still looking for the right term. "Was I lost?" "No. I think it's just a thing people say to each other." Caduceus sits, laying his staff beside him, armor clanking a little until he clicks the buckles loose and slides off the heavy chestplate. His shoulder slump with relief as he rolls his neck, trying to ease the tension gathered there. There's a cut on his cheek. Fjord brushes his thumb under it, swiping away a few droplets of blood. "You didn't fix this?" "Jester needed it more." Caduceus sweeps his hair over one shoulder. He gives Fjord another one of those soft, slow smiles. "It's just a scratch." It's always just a scratch. Until it isn't. Caduceus gets mortally injured a lot with them, more so than most. Used to be it was Caleb they had to watch out for, but Caleb sticks to the back more often than not, while Caduceus runs into the fray to pick them up and put them back together. He's like a magnet to their enemies. They always aim for him. And he always thinks of the rest of them first. "It'll be gone by morning. Mostly," Caduceus says. Fjord makes a non-committal noise and reaches up, dragging his fingers through Caduceus' hair, claws gentle over his scalp. Caduceus groans quietly, his ears sinking down with delight. He leans in toward Fjord almost unconsciously until he catches himself and gives Fjord a quiet, embarrassed glance. It’s always hardest for Caduceus to ask for it when he needs it most, as if he’s not allowed to take care of himself until he’s sure no one else needs him. "Lap's open. If you want it," Fjord says. Caduceus slants him a knowing look. "I do," he says, and shifts around, until he pillows his head on Fjord's thigh, hair spilling in a pink thigh over Fjord’s trousers. "Though it seems to be more for your sake, than mine." "What makes you say that?" "Mm. Intuition." Caduceus' eyes slit closed, and he tilts his head into the stroke of Fjord's fingers, the familiar paths he's learned since the first time he'd touched Caduceus like this. "You all right?" Fjord wants to kiss him. "You fixed me up. I'm fine," Fjord says, and he concentrates, reaching for the place within him, where the touch of the Wildmother blooms like a knot of warmth and comfort. He draws it up and out, focusing, and when his fingers stroke over Caduceus' cheek, they brush gently over the cut. Melora's warmth seeps from his fingertips, the cut sealing up and healing over, without leaving so much as a scar. It's not much, Fjord's devotion isn't as strong as it could be yet, but he -- and her favor -- will get stronger yet. Caduceus hums and looks up at him. "You didn't have to do that." "Yes, I did." Fjord tucks some hair behind Caduceus' ear, taking the opportunity to tickle it until it flicks out of irritation. "You take care of us, so I should take care of you." His face heats a little. "It makes sense, right?" Caduceus gives him a long look, and then he smiles, and gods, Fjord wants to kiss him so much. "Sure," he says. "Feels nice." "It's not much," Fjord admits. Because Caduceus puts them back together from the worst wounds, the terriblest poisons. He guards their lives, dulls mortal blows, and keeps an eye for them in the battlefield. Healing a small wound is nothing in the face of that. "It's perfect." Caduceus grabs his hand, pulls it in range to lay a kiss on Fjord's knuckles, scarred as they are. "This works, too." The tips of Fjord's ears burn. "If you say so." "I just did actually." Caduceus chuckles and puts Fjord's hand back on his hair. "You can keep going if you want." He does, in fact, want. So he threads his fingers through Caduceus' hair -- picking out a stray leaf and petal which managed to find their way into the long strands -- and picks up his rhythm once more. "You'll get stronger," Caduceus murmurs as he closes his eyes, and fully relaxes under Fjord's touch. "I'm not worried about that." "Yes, you are." Fjord exhales a sigh and smiles. "Yes, fine. I am." Caduceus grins, and one eye peeks open in a rare show of mischief. "In the meantime, however, I've heard there is one thing which also helps with healing." Fjord lifts his eyebrows. "And what's that?" "He wants you to kiss him, Fjord!" Jester says from too far away, but also too close. Fjord glares at her, as she giggles and nudges Beau with an elbow, who nudges back, a little harder than she intended probably. "Stop being nosy," Fjord says. "Stop being gross in public," Beau retorts, and promptly flips him off. "They don't really have a choice right now, Beau. Besides, do we count as public?" Jester asks, elbowing Beau again, and she must have jabbed Beau good, because their monk coughs and rubs at her ribs. "Ow." "Sorry." Fjord sighs and returns his attention to Caduceus, whose face is creased with mirth. "She's not wrong," Caduceus says as he sits up and leans into Fjord's space. "I do want you to kiss me." Fjord tilts his head up, and then up a little more -- Caduceus is just too damn tall. "That's a myth, you know." "All myths hold a little bit of truth to them," Caduceus says, and he bends down so Fjord can kiss him, like he's been wanting to do since the skirmish ended, and Caduceus had barely avoided the swipe of the badger's claws. Fjord threads his fingers through Caduceus' hair and keeps him close for the kiss, their mouths moving together, the brief taste of Caduceus' tongue on the seam of his lips. It can't be anything more than this, not here and now, but this is good. This is perfect. Sometimes, Fjord can scarcely believe how lucky he is. Until a branch cracks under the weight of someone's boot -- it had to be deliberate -- and Fjord pulls away from Caduceus to see Yasha standing nearby, awkwardly shifting, but smiling indulgently. "The, uh, hut is ready," she says, pointing over her shoulder with a thumb. "If you two want to, um, join us. Or not, I mean, you might like it out here for a bit." "Thank you, Miss Yasha," Caduceus says, because he seems to be immune to embarrassment. "Sure," she says, and because she's Yasha, she stands there for another awkward moment before she turns and leaves, ducking into the hut where everyone else has gone as well. "I think this technically counts as privacy now," Caduceus says. Fjord laughs and presses his forehead to Caduceus' clavicle, slipping an arm around his -- lover? partner? boyfriend? they really need to figure this out -- waist. "Guess that means you should kiss me again." "I think it does." Caduceus hums. He leans in and does just that, slanting their lips together. Warmth blossoms in the middle of Fjord's chest, not unlike the drizzling warmth of Caduceus' healing prayers, and he smiles into the kiss, deepening it only as much as he dares. They're alone, for a few precious moments before they have to join the others, and Fjord plans to soak up every second he can. He has to get stronger, to prove his devotion so he can call on Melora when he needs. Someone needs to watch out for Caduceus the way he looks out for them, and Fjord plans to be that someone. He wants to hold on to this as long as he can. ****
a/n: Feedback is greatly welcome and appreciated! Feel free to comment, reblog, et cetera. I’d love to hear what you all think! 
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essektheylyss · 4 years
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ok so prompts. Essek n Yasha. Xhorhas kids. (omg essek would have to room with yasha cause she's the only one without an established roommate)
I love the Xhorhas kids about as much as I like the Empire kids, I fully believe that eventually they’d end up treating each other as siblings as much as Beau and Caleb do but for now this is where they’re at I think!
The first time he ends up rooming with Yasha, she sits against the wall across from his bed and sharpens her wicked looking greatsword, the one with the gilded hilt, and he knows that that sword is meant for people like him, and he isn’t sure if this is her idea of a joke or not.
He’s not tired in the slightest, still on edge from a fight that afternoon and too aware of how little rest he needs compared to the rest of the group, so he sits crosslegged and straight-backed and tries to focus on his spells as he estimates which he might need, and tries to ignore the schick, schick, schick, of the metal.
His eyes have skimmed the same set of runes over and over for a minute and a half when her voice reaches him, soft as thunder. “What do you read? Before you sleep?”
He looks up. Her repetition doesn’t falter. Schick. “I am trying to decide which spells will be most useful tomorrow.”
“Surely you know which spells you have by now. I see you reading every night when we are on the road.”
“Well, yes,” he blinks. He knows from enough time spent in the group that Yasha often asks questions that he would not have thought her interested in, but none of those questions have ever been directed at him. “But it is easier to choose when they are right in front of me.”
“That isn’t the only book you read though,” she says, and finally sets her sword aside, drawing her knees up.
“No,” he says, and with barely a thought pulls one of the other books he’s brought along on this trip from the air. “I always have a few volumes with me, depending on what topic I am interested in at the time.”
“What are you interested in right now?”
He looks at the cover, knows she may be interested as well. She doesn’t know where she came from, not exactly, but he knows she carries almost as much regret as Caleb—certainly more even than he does.
They are a motley crew of remorse and shame, he thinks, though he does not know all of the details of their stories. He has not felt worthy enough to ask for more than what they have already given.
“Time,” he says simply, and she slowly pushes herself to her feet, resting on the very corner of his bed before she takes the tome and flips through. “I am interested to see—well, I am interested to see what might be capable of change. Where potentiality might be altered without irrevocably scarring the rest of the timeline.”
At first, he thinks she’s not quite following, as she stares at him, but then she rests the book in her lap and flips through its pages. Without looking up, she murmurs, “Is this for you? Or for him?”
His stomach drops, and he can’t bring himself to answer.
“Essek, do you know where I am from?”
He shakes his head mutely, and she must catch enough of the movement to know what his response is, because she continues.
“I am from a tribe in the south of Xhorhas,” she says softly, and her voice sounds like a storm on the way. He knows what kinds of tribes live there, and though he knows what Yasha is capable of, it’s hard to reconcile the low-voiced, sorrow-touched woman sitting on the bed with the stories he has heard growing up in Rosohna. “I… I hurt many people, there. It was what they do. And then… I fell in love with someone I was not meant to. Someone who…” she smiles, and he thinks she is very far away indeed, “who brought me flowers. So I collect flowers to bring to her now.”
He doesn’t want to ask, but he does so anyway. “Where is she now?”
“She’s gone,” she says. “My tribe killed her, when they found out that we were married.” She closes the book and hands it back. “I ran away, like a coward.”
He’s seen her run into battle ahead of the group, drag monstrosities back by their necks to keep them from touching the rest of them at her own expense. If anyone has the right to shed that title, it’s Yasha. And here she is, claiming it for herself, like a shroud she wears.
“I am… my hands have killed many, many people.” She looks back at her sword, and he follows her gaze. “And others’ blood is on them even if I did not deliver the blow.”
“And you still feel unclean now, I imagine.”
She pierces him with her dual-colored gaze. “Don’t you?”
He doesn’t break eye contact, though the book is heavy in his hands. “Yes.”
She nods, and looks down at her large palms. “Good. That’s good. You can’t learn any better if you think the blood has washed away.”
He sits in the silence for a long moment, and examines his own palms, rougher now that he has lived on the road. Gone are the days of manicured fingers and soft skin, but at least this way they are beginning to match what he feels like inside.
“Xhorhas has…” he trails off, smiles slightly, ruefully. “We have some strange views on life and death.”
“Yes.”
“It is hard to learn the measure of a soul in such a barren place as that.” He swallows hard. “I am glad to be learning now.”
“Your people seem to be all about the measure of a soul.”
“Only once it has achieved something,” he shrugs. “Worth is not a right, it is earned.”
“Well, I don’t know that that is any different in the empire. But it is different here.”
They sit in silence for a moment, before Yasha moves to her own bed and starts to pull flowers from a pouch at her belt and press them between the pages of a worn book. “If you are looking to… to change the past, to atone, perhaps you should speak to Caleb about it. He’s very… very wise about that kind of thing.”
“I know,” Essek murmurs, and the book vanishes into its pocket dimension. He imagines lips on his forehead and inconspicuously scratches at the place between his eyes. “He is very wise about many things.”
“I am not anywhere near as smart as he is,” Yasha offers, “but I think you are doing alright now to be working with us to do good. In the present. Trying to erase your mistakes doesn’t mean you didn’t make them. It only means that you’re the only person who has to live and die with it.”
“If that is all, then perhaps that is the price I must pay.” He sighs. “In any case, I don’t even know if it’s possible.”
“Well, then what you are doing is still a good step. And if you stray…” As she closes her journal and begins to lay down to sleep, she nods at the sword, resting against the wall. “I’m still not above taking your head off.”
He smiles. “Thank you, Yasha.”
“You’re welcome.”
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byooregard · 4 years
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It wasn’t all at once, like Jester had always figured. 
In all the stories, the heroes defeated the big terrible bad guy, and then they all went back to their lives. Jester had always thought that the Mighty Nein would be like that, that they would defeat some big evil bad guy, like maybe a dragon, or one of those gross ball eye thingies with the other eyes that Beau had showed her in a book one time… 
Of course, she really should've figured that it wouldn’t go at all like the stories. She’d been adventuring for like, at least four years by then, when they’d started leaving. Veth was the first to go. Which was, fine. It was great, really! She had a whole family, and Jester knew how much they missed her, and she had a lot of money and stuff, so it wasn’t like she needed to make more of that… and Jester could still message her! In fact, she did it every day, for the first few weeks! And then every other day, cause Veth was busy. And then they had to fight that one kraken, and Jester needed to save spells, and well... she kind of sort of forgot to, after that. But it was okay, cause they still sent letters, and pastries! When they could.
It actually took Fjord dying three times before they all decided it was better that he, well, she didn’t want to say retired, but half-orcs aged a bit faster than humans did, and he’d been technically the oldest of them when they’d all met, and, well, no one wanted him to die again. Obviously. Jester just kind of sort of wished that Caduceus hadn’t insisted on going with him, cause then she was the only cleric left in the party! It had taken her a while to get used to having to prepare healing spells whenever they went into battle, instead of cool ones, like Control Weather. And she also kind of missed waking up every morning to Caduceus’s on-sea attempts at baking (he’d really actually gotten pretty good). 
He and Fjord had an entire orphanage to bake for now, so really, it was totally fine. If only they sent her more pastries… then she might be able to fill all the empty space left on the Ball Eater. The entire Nein (there were only five of them now) had felt the absence of their captain, too. Beau had to learn how to sail a ship, actually, not just repeat whatever Fjord said in a dramatic voice. It was Jester, actually, who had to do most of the dramatic yelling now. and even though it was actually really fun (she couldn’t believe Beau had been stealing that job for so long), it didn’t feel right. 
Jester always knew that Caleb and Essek would leave too, eventually. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise at all, really, when they stopped pretending that they didn’t like their fancy wizard books and things― Jester still couldn’t make sense of any of them― more than fighting monsters. She understood. Kind of. But… Like, really, c’mon. She knew they were squishy, but wasn’t it even exciting anymore? Didn’t they like fighting monsters, and ending wars (even if they’d started one or two of those wars― but that wasn’t the point)?
 Who was supposed to turn her into wooly mammoths, or make her float everywhere, or let her draw dicks in their spellbooks now that they were doing all their fancy wizard things? She knew that keeping peace in Wildemount, and ‘teaching the next generation of mages’ or whatever Caleb kept telling her he was doing was really important and all. She had just thought that maybe the Mighty Nein was important too, you know? 
Beau and Yasha never left though. Jester thought that they would, by then. Everyone else had left, so obviously this was going to end like everything else did. Everyone on an adventure, with Jester… alone again. But it was okay, cause she was really good at entertaining herself alone, and she had the Traveler, didn’t she? Even if he didn’t talk to her as much anymore. She kind of wished she hadn’t done so much to spread the religion, now. 
She’d asked Yasha and Beau, one night, what they were going to do when they left, too. 
Why would we leave? Yasha had said. It had made Jester pause, for a moment. She’d never really thought about that part, just, well, Everyone’s left, you know? Veth went back to her family and Caduceus, and Fjord went to start their orphanage, and you know, get more people to follow the Wildmother and Caleb and Essek went to go keep peace or whatever, and I guess that’s all great and all, really cool, really, and I just figured, you know, that you would―
Jester hadn’t really realized how many tears were stuck in her throat until they started making it hard to talk. That you’d have… cooler things to do too, I guess.
Beau had wrapped an arm around her then, and turned away from the sunset over the water to look at Jester. 
C’mon Jes, what could be cooler than being a pirate captain? She’d asked.
Well, we’re not really pirates… They hadn’t technically raided any  boats in a long time by then. Mostly just the lairs of big snea snakes, and krakens, and sometimes even a dragon.
Whatever. It’s the thought that counts.
You wouldn’t ever want to go back and like… be a monk who spies on like, evil people and kicks ass?
Nah, I kick plenty of ass here.
Jester had laughed a bit, at that. You wouldn’t want to go home, Yasha? To Xhorhas? Or… I don’t know… 
Yasha hadn’t said anything, at first, but Jester had known her long enough to know she didn’t need to hurry to speak like other people did. My home has always been where my family is. And you are all my family.
That’d made Jester smile. Even Marius?
He has gotten quite good at killing people since we first met him, don’t you think?
They’d all laughed at that, and Jester had slept easier that night, with Yasha and Beau next to her, knowing they wouldn’t leave, at least for a while. 
A few weeks later, when they’d docked in Nicodranas to see Caduceus and Fjord and Momma, they’d seen a familiar face at the Open Quay.
I am Kiri! she’d said, and it was pretty weird hearing her own voice come out of the mouth of a not-so-little-anymore Kenku. 
Kiri was looking for a job, on a ship. She’d said it all in a mix of different voices, and none of them were familiar, and it was reminding Jester how, wow, she’d grown up so fast and all without them. But then Kiri had pulled out a dagger, which she was actually really good at (Beau was lucky Kiri wasn’t trying to hurt her, she definitely would’ve gotten stabbed), and said It’s sharp! in that accent that Fjord used to use, and sure, Kiri was all grown up now, but she was still Kiri.
Welcome to the Mighty Nein! She’d crowed, and so then there were four.
And when they’d met another little tiefling girl, looking for money, and a family after that dragon turtle had capsized her ship, well, that was five of them!
Another ex-scourger in Rexxentrum, a paladin of the Traveler, and that was six… Seven… and then eight… 
And now it was years and years later, and there weren’t really just three of them, or just nine even. There were ten or so, and like, at least sixteen if you counted everyone on the crew, and if you counted everyone, like Calianna, and Reani, and Keg, and Nila, and Twiggy, and Molly, and Caleb and Fjord and Essek and Caduceus and Veth, cause they were still part of the Mighty Nein, even if they were doing other things now, and everyone else they’d welcomed over all the years they’d been doing this, well, it was a lot. 
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samael76 · 5 years
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Princely (A Widojest mini-fic, set after C2E81 and written before E82)
The Lavish Chateau. Evening. Caleb’s room. 
“Caleb?”
He looked up from the spellbook he was studying, to find Jester hovering above him. They had all accomplished the unthinkable yesterday. After barely managing to put down Halas’ malformed clones and nearly losing Fjord and Beau in the process, they had found Yussa and succeeded in burning away the Laughing Hand’s heart. The creature was mortal once again; Yussa assured them of it.
Now they were taking a well deserved rest at the Chateau, while Yussa conferred with Allura, the archmage from Tal'dorei. As partial thanks for their assistance, the elven magus had gifted Caleb a potent book of spells, which he was eager to dig into. But Jester took precedence.
She always did, these days.
“Yes, Jester?” Caleb asked, giving the faintest smile.
She was leaning against the doorframe, seemingly deep in thought. He could only wonder what she had come to say. Was it time for dinner? Did Nott or Beau need to speak with him? Had Yussa sent a message?
“Do you really think I already look like a princess?” Jester said, rubbing her neck.
Caleb felt his heart start to beat faster. This was most unexpected.
“Er… I…well, of course. Yes, you…you check all the boxes,” he stammered. “Out of a storybook.
She shook her head and walked into the room, only a foot away from him now. Thump. Thump. Thump.
"But I donnnn’t! I’ve read soooo many books about princesses and like…I don’t really seem like any of them,” Jester whined. “Like this one!”
She reached over to the shelf behind Caleb and pulled out a bright blue book, with silver pages. She pulled it open and showed it to him. The page had a colorful drawing of a pale human woman with long golden hair, standing above a kneeling knight in shining armor.
"That is Princess Arabella Wintermist. Mama used to read this to me all the time. She’s super pretty and kind and has lots of gold-ok, so like, I have those parts obviously, but she’s…she’s a human. They’re always humans or sometimes elves. And like, one dwarf.”
She sighed. “There are no tiefling princesses. If there are, I’ve never read about them.”
Caleb closed his book and stood up. He looked Jester in the eye and frowned. "So this is an issue of race, ja? I find that surprising, considering who we travel with and the alliances we have formed. In the months since…we formed this company, we have worked alongside giants and kobolds…kenku and pirates…we have personally had an audience with a dark elf empress and seen a city filled with people who make tieflings look quaint in comparison.” He gave Princess Arabella a dismissive glance. “Scheisse on the stories. The world we live in shows the truth.”
Jester was silent at first, before she began to giggle. Thump. Thump. Thump. “That was really good Caleb! If the wizard stuff doesn’t work out, you could like, run for marquis!” She paused and put a hand on her chin. “…Is that even something you can run for?”
It was Caleb’s turn to laugh. A rare occurrence, but the idea was well-worthy of mirth. “I will…take it under consideration.”
Jester laughed with him for a moment longer, before she looked back at the storybook. “I do have a few more things in common with princesses, though…”
“Oh? What are those?” Caleb chuckled.
“I was kidnapped by a monster,” she whispered. “And a…dashing man died trying to rescue me.”
Caleb felt a chill run down his spine. He felt images flash through his mind; memories he had tried to suppress. An empty campsite. A grinning, blood-covered man. A friend lying upon the ground, eyes frozen open.
“J-jester, I’m so-” he started to say.
She shook her head. “It should have been a dragon, right? That’s what takes the princesses in stories!” She laughed again, but it was joyless. “But no…the first dragon I saw nearly…killed me! Nearly killed all my friends! And then the next one did too!”
Jester picked up the storybook and chucked it at the wall nearby, where it impacted with a loud BANG, the spine caving in and flopping onto the floor. 
“Then there was the demon bug…thing! That was fucking creepy! And the…the fleshy mouth pit! And then, I had to watch my friend get her brain taken over by Oballsack the Dickhole!“
She fell backwards against the wall, slumping into the wood and landing on her rear. She was crying now, openly. Caleb rushed over and knelt down next to her. He didn’t say anything. Not yet. He just listened.
"And…I’m the one who sees her…I’m the one who has to watch Yasha, every time I take a peek at what they’re doing. I watched her killing all those people…she was crying, Caleb,” Jester croaked. “She was crying and I know she fucking hated it, but she couldn’t stop it. And I couldn’t save her! Not even last time!”
Jester had begun to clutch at her knees and dig into her skin. Caleb reached out and took one of her hands into his own. Her skin was warm, but tougher than many might suspect.
“We have failed…many times, in the last few months. But we always fail together, as a group. We learn and grow, every time. And when we do succeed, like we just did…the victory is all the sweeter,” Caleb stressed. “Oban may not yet know one of his champions has been made mortal. Just imagine the shock on his dummes, hochmütiges face when he sees the Laughing Hand brought down for good.”
Caleb made a faux-shocked expression, his eyes wide and mouth agape. Jester gave a weak chuckle.
“How could this beeeeee?! My beautiful Gigglefist, killed by the Mighty Nein!” Caleb whined, doing a truly atrocious Oban impression. But it seemed to work, as Jester laughed again, much more naturally.
“Yasha will not be prisoner in her own flesh forever. If we can kill the heart of a dark god’s servant, breaking the shackles on our friend should be a piece of kuchen.”
What he did next felt instinctual, but it still shocked him as he did it. Leaning his head down, Caleb kissed the back of her hand. Thump. Thump. Thump. He looked up at her, staring right into her eyes.
Jester looked a bit shocked herself, but it soon morphed into a wide, bright smile.
“You know Caleb, maybe I am a princess after all, cause…you sure seem princely.”
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. It was only a few seconds, it felt like an eternity. Had he finally unlocked the mystery of chronomancy?
“Caleb! It’s time for dinner! Some kind of fish! You can reply to this message!” Nott’s voice echoed in his mind.
He tried to form the words he needed, but all that came out was…
“F-fish…”
Jester looked puzzled for a moment, but then her eyes lit up. “Oh! We’re having Silverscale Salmon and croquettes! It’s tasty as shiiiiiit!”
Jester stood up, pulling Caleb with her and hugging him tightly. “Thank you, Caleb,” she whispered into his ear. With one last wink in his direction, she strode downstairs, yelling something as she did.
“Nott, you better save some for me!”
“I PROMISE NOTHING!” Nott shrieked, from below.
Then Caleb was alone, standing stock-still and processing the last several minutes. His face was as red as some of his favorite spells.
Willy crept up behind him, with Frumpkin draped around his neck. Caleb looked down at them and took the golem’s stubby hands, beginning an awkward dance.
“Oh meine Schönheit, oh meine Schöne. Mit deinem Gesicht aus Lilien und Rosen…” he softly sang, smiling. Frumpkin purred and rubbed his head on Caleb’s arm.
He went down for dinner a minute later, feeling like royalty. 
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eponymous-rose · 5 years
Text
Talks Machina Episode #100 Highlights!
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That’s right: 100 EPISODES. That’s a lot of great questions, greater answers, questionable pronunciations of usernames, even more questionable uses of overlays, and a++++ excellent dogs. 
The entire cast is answering questions this week!
Max runs an (adorable) intro in the above puppet theater, and each cast member gets a title. Laura is The Heart, Sam is The “Funny Guy”, Travis is The Brawn, Liam is The Actor, Matt is The Brains, Marisha is The Face, Taliesin is The Pyramid, Brian is The Convict, and Ashley is The Favorite.
The cast’s entrance is majestic. There are balloons, sashes, tiaras, and champagne. Henry has a tiara too!
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The Search for Grog will air this Friday, February 22 at 7 PM Pacific on twitch.tv/criticalrole. If you miss the stream, it’ll be available Saturday morning on CR’s YouTube channel!
Talks Machina and CR will air on CR’s official channels starting today! Starting next episode, TM will be available on CR’s YouTube channel on Thursday at 7 Pacific, and also in podcast form!
Stats: in 100 episodes of TM, there’s been 81 episodes of Brian’s glorious beard. There have been 9 Skype/FaceTime call-ins! There were 244 guest misnomers before that well ran dry. 93 episodes of pre-show hijinks (thanks to Max James!). 95 episodes of Arsequeef. 826 days of being on the internet!
Brian: "The concept of creating a talk show about a D&D campaign has always been absurd to me, so we wanted to embrace that terribleness.”
There’s now a Steve Cam (quietly reading, meal prepping, and ignoring the show), and a Zach Cam (staring at a monitor that’s all just Liam’s chest hair and the Fjord bust), and a Max Cam (dancing in a stripper cop outfit), Lockey Cam (practicing with a sword in front of a mirror and then charging at Daniel for filming it - Brian: “Hopefully Daniel’s non-union.”), Ed Cam (drinking scotch and counting down the days until football returns, and also lint rolling his new goatee), Chris Cam (rapping in the VO booth), Brittany Cam (dancing with a unicorn blanket, huffing compressed air - Brian: “You can’t show that on Twitch!”).
Matt is asked how his DMing style has evolved with campaign 2. “Well... I’ve been forced to embrace a little more of the tragedy in the characters’ backstories.” The internal and external conflict has been really interesting for him to watch and react to. “I’ve learned to be very proud of my players for mucking up my perception of where things are going to go.”
Coming to Xhorhas, Nott’s thrilled to no longer have to worry about the mask. Sam’s excited about the City of Beasts “to see what kind of fucked-up individuals we’re going to find and seeing how Nott will react to that.”
Yasha definitely sympathizes with Nott trying to save her spouse, but “there’s a lot going on with her going back to Xhorhas. It’s definitely triggering for her, but she understands the need to want to go back. I wish I could go to Xhorhas. We’ll see what happens.” Travis: “I’m pretty sure once we go to a place we can never go back.”
Favorite item on the Talks shelves? Taliesin mentions a magnetic Percy mini, Sam likes the tiny Sams (”It looks like my bedroom!”), Ashley and Brian are partial to the Sully painting, Laura loves the Pike painting, Marisha loves all the stuff the cast bought on a hungover voyage to the flea market when they were first building the set, Matt loves a very cool dice tower. Brian likes the Vecna with Marisha’s face. Matt: “I don’t know if I like that one.”
Laura doesn’t like the party using the derogatory term for the Krynn, because she wants people to be happy even if she doesn’t know them. Sam: “I haven’t been the best for that, but if Jester wants me to... I guess I’ll change.”
There are new wipe transitions featuring the Matt pillow and the Fjord bust. It’s glorious.
Gif of the week: Sam calling Travis “studly” for catching the candy. Laura: “...I like that I’ve been cut out of it completely.”
Arsequeef gets the Lifetime Achievement Award for Gif of the Week. He wins Max’s 2006 Honda Accord.
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On Caleb taking off his bandages because there’s nothing to hide anymore: “Was that terrifying for him, or a relief?” Liam: “Yes!” He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it feels good. He’s got f...r...iends?” Marisha: “I love that sitcom. (weakly) F...r...iends?”
Caduceus being a source of comfort, insight, and advice was built into the character. Taliesin looked at low INT high WIS, and Matt immediately started laughing and told Taliesin he’d do well with that. Taliesin: “There’s plenty of things that will eventually flap that, but we haven’t hit them yet.”
As a player, Travis doesn’t like to weigh things carefully all the time, so a lot of Fjord’s leardership has been a bit about pressing fast-forward. Marisha: “So what you’re saying is that your Grog’s poking through.” Matt points out that if both characters have a trait, it’s probably just Travis. 
Liam: “I’ve got a little Travis poking me from behind.” Marisha, musing: “So many conflicting beards...”
Beau’s prayer to Ioun mostly came from a “couldn’t hurt” perspective. “I’ll try it out. Give it a spin.” When Travis asks, Marisha clarifies that it was Ioun specifically because of the Cobalt Soul. Travis: “Oh yeah, I totally knew the relationship there. I just wanted to make sure the audience did.”
Bugbear friend or bugbear foe? Sam: “He speaks goblin, he seems cool, his name’s Gluzo. He has a hard-to-pin-down accent, but it’s amazing.” Taliesin: “You have a hard-to-pin-down accent, too. It’s something you have in common.” Taliesin gets asked if his insight check revealed that the bugbear is secretly pretending to be someone else. “Yes, he’s just pretending to be a bugbear. He’s actually Matt Mercer.” Laura: “I like him. ‘Cause he’s cute and he let me give him a tattoo.”
Sam: “Nott trusts her friends to be as strong as they can be, and at this point, I don’t know if she’s as concerned with one of them dying as just getting to her husband in time before he dies. If we lose one along the way, Nott will probably cry a little, but will move on.” What if it were Fjord? “Fjord’s expjendable.”
Matt: “I’ve reached a point where Travis controls Yasha in combat, but I don’t consider any of his roleplay canon.” Ashley: “I trust Travis. Barbarian respect.” Laura: “Don’t give him that.” Ashley: “Travis himself is like a Deck of Many things. This is risky, but it’s kind of fun!”
Sam: “That dunamancy shit is lit.” Liam: “And it’s tied up in everything that Caleb wants, so if he can get on the entropy shit and the gravity shit, you know he’s going to go back in time, motherfucker.” Sam is so excited to have these mystery spells because they’re so new, and they’re inherently something they don’t know how to counter or prepare for. Travis: “It’s almost like every time we play D&D.”
Fanart of the Week: a spectacular group shot.
Everyone freaks out over how good Travis looks with glasses. He takes them off and puts them back on sexily for a while. I was too slow grabbing a screencap, but don’t worry, the gifs will be everywhere.
Laura: “Jester hasn’t experienced a lot of emotions. She hasn’t experienced a lot of anything, really. She’s definitely dealt with sadness in her life, but I don’t think it’s been so in-your-face constantly, just the trauma of it all.” Liam: “Yeah, she’s with some very terrible people.” Laura: “While it is traumatic, it’s also been a great adventure, and she’s enjoying being out and doing things. Even if it might hurt her, it’s so much better than reading about it, drawing it, just imagining how it would be.”
Caleb’s still feeling out the shift in his relationship with Nott, but there’s no question that everything they’ve gone through can’t be forgotten or overlooked. “He sees her as an absolute ally no matter what, and will do anything for her. In a weird way, he feels like they’re even more alike than he thought they were, and he loves her and wants her to succeed in what she’s doing, and hopes that the things that he wants don’t fuck it up entirely.” Sam: “Are you talking about Liam and Sam right now?”
Caduceus’ thoughts on Xhorhas? “A new environment, certainly, and a new aspect of nature that he’s unfamiliar with. This is just more terrain to him at this point. He’s also very unaware of the political realities. He’s vaguely aware there is war. He’s still not sure why we can’t just go up and ask for directions from everyone.”
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Brian: “That tiara is the most blessed image.”
Travis on the Captain Tusktooth tattoo: “Brand recognition is huge in Xhorhas.” Taliesin: “Viral marketing.” Laura confirms that it’s not likely to change apart from some small differences from tattoo to tattoo. “Each person gets a special google.”
Laura on fans actually getting this tattoo: “I am ALL ABOUT IT.”
Marisha: “Guys! How about instead of M9 tattoos...” Sam: “We let Laura tattoo us? I would legitimately be down with that!” Ashley: “I’m kind of into it.” Liam: “This is what splits us apart.” Laura: “Everybody gets a dick.” Travis: “How would we explain that to our kid? ‘What’s that?’ ‘Your mom did that.’”
Beau is holding back a bit since her impulsiveness started having negative repercussions. “I think it’s about accountability. She’s started to learn--- especially when she first joined M9, she didn’t have friends, really. I think you had to learn, oh, my actions do affect others around me. I think that’s something you can learn and you can grow in, but yeah, she is trying to not be a total fuckwad anymore. Trying. But old habits...”
Favorite TM moments? Travis: “Do you remember that episode where Brian wasn’t the host?” Brian remembers Travis throwing the card that almost took him out. Ashley fondly remembers PullOutKing. Laura remembers Taliesin saying the phrase “I love teenage assholes” (referring to Percy acting immature), and Taliesin is super glad someone brought that up again just when the tweets were finally starting to die down. 
Ashley talks about how proud she is about how far Brian’s come, and how great he’s doing at this. Everyone has an uncharacteristically sincere moment of applause for Brian. Liam: “Everyone take 30 seconds to drop the bit that we think you’re a total fucking weirdo. You’re so good at this, and you’re such a good friend, and we’re so glad you’re part of this family.”
Marisha pitches the idea of trying to sell TM syndicated on LifeTime now that they have 100 episodes.
Brian remembers having food poisoning that led to him running off-screen, throwing up in the middle of the show, and then having to come back. Marisha remembers Travis texting everyone that night with “lol, did Brian just yarf on TV?”
Matt talks about how proud he is of Brian for going from zero tabletop experience to co-running his own game.
Talks Machina After Dog ft. Sleepy Boi Henry
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“This is the best dog-petting show ever.”
Liam was skeptical about TM initially, because he was worried it would take away from what would be shared in-game. Marisha: “I was stoked for it, not gonna lie. I was very misunderstood and people hated my character, so I was kind of stoked to just get to explain it.” Travis was sold once they picked the name.
Marisha: “It also set the precedent for really dumb, punny names.” Brian points out that, as a channel, they now can’t stick with serious names as their final choice.
Laura’s sister has been watching the show, and she texted Laura after the show to ask what the whisper was, so Laura’s going to tell her and no one else. Liam: “You’re gonna tell your real sibling?”
There’s a horrified discussion about giraffe fighting. Some segues happened in there.
What’s something their characters have done that’s made them proud? Liam: Caleb using the Wall of Fire. Marisha: the Plank King execution episode as a whole (everyone agrees). Travis: “I was proud of hooking up with an NPC when my wife wasn’t here to threaten me with death.” (he immediately turns to Taliesin: “Help.” Taliesin: “No god can help you now.”) Taliesin: “I sunk a boat.” Laura: Proud of not getting caught with Nott in the Platinum Dragon sanctuary. Sam: Taking the blow for Jester so she could escape. Liam: “Molly showing his dick covered in eggs.”
Matt: “I’m proud of you guys not entirely descending into evil madness. I’m proud of the character arcs of being broken, terrible people, and finding out that it’s okay to be broken; you’re not necessarily terrible.” Liam: “The entire cast went, ‘He’s talking about everyone but me’.” Matt thought it was going to be very hard to keep the group together, but the party turned it into character growth moments. “I’m proud of you.” Laura: “Thanks, Dad.”
Yasha loved the arm wrestling. “Oh man, it’s so fun to be the tank.”
Laura: “I’m really proud of us for saving Kiri!”
Everyone has Liam’s chest hair:
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Wishes for the next 100 episodes? More Ashley. 
Brian: “I hate this coffee table more than anything in the whole, entire world.”
What’s something that should never change about the show? How ridiculous it is, the barrel, Dani. Also always have a dog. They fundamentally do the show for themselves, still, and that’s made it a really good environment for them to open up about the show and their characters.
Liam: “There’s a lot of beauty to what we do, but it’s also inherently silly. And to deny that is silly.”
Matt likes that it’s unpolished and imperfect. “Things are going to go wrong regardless, and you can either get angry and frustrated about the lack of control, or you can embrace it.” Sam: “None of this is real anyway.” 
Brian points out that this is not an excuse to stop paying him.
And that’s a wrap! This is the last After Dark for a while, but there are some big ideas in the works for the coming weeks!
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chaos-burst · 5 years
Note
If I had money I would PAY you for more Widomauk content, because I am so fucking sad lately
[ ao3 ]
Caleb wonders if it’s possible to fall in love in retrospect.
Since Molly’s death Caleb has been thinking about him a lot. Even more so than when he was alive. Death does that to people, he ponders while he sits awake during night watches and draws patterns into the dirt. Death somehow shifts the presence of someone from outside of you into your head and makes them live there on and on and on.
Much like a violinist who only plays one song over and over.
Because Mollymauk can’t change in his mind, he’s destined to stay the same, just as Caleb knew him, without room to develop, to evolve.
And still.
Still, Caleb finds himself replaying their conversations almost obsessively in his mind. He’s able to remember most things, really, but sometimes, when it’s been too long, memories fade from him. And he doesn’t want Mollymauk’s memory to fade.
Mollymauk, who said he didn’t care about what they did before, only what kind of people they are now. Mollymauk, who needed to live by this code because his past never belonged to him. Mollymauk, who gave Caleb the tiniest smile when he said “That is enough for me, Mollymauk Tealeaf.”.
Stupid, ridiculous, endlessly brave Mollymauk Tealeaf.
Caleb feels an almost forgotten fluttering in his chest. Being in love is something he almost can’t remember.
Almost.
In hindsight, Caleb can’t say if he’s been in love before Mollymauk died. Maybe he just didn’t realize it. Maybe he got better at sorting out his feelings during the last months.
Today, the thoughts of Mollymauk are especially persistent. And it’s Jester’s fault. Her voice keeps repeating in his head, small and timid and unsure.
“I’ve been asking the Traveler to teach me this new spell. To bring Molly back to us.”
Caleb could see the surprise on Nott’s and Fjord’s faces. Beau on the other hand simply sat up straighter, leaned forward towards Jester and nodded encouragingly. That’s when Caleb knew that Beau is the same as him.
Replaying memories, still searching for solutions, still hoping, not letting go.
Not ever letting go. They’re both very good and not letting things go, Caleb thinks.
“I think I can do it now”, Jester said. “But I need his body and a pretty big diamond, guys. Like. Really big.”
So now they’re traveling towards the Glory Run Road again. And as if Yasha was able to feel what is going on, she joins them when they’re halfway there. Caleb can see her talk to Jester, tears glimmering in her eyes before she hugs Jester.
Caleb is sure that Yasha hasn’t hugged any of them first so far. But there they stand, holding each other tightly and Caleb can see Yasha’s lips move. He doesn’t need to hear the words to know what Yasha is saying over and over again.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Later, when they’re only a little more than a day’s ride away from Mollymauk’s grave, Beau sits down next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
“You’ve been quiet”, she says.
Caleb shrugs. His mind hasn’t been quiet at all at the prospect of seeing Mollymauk again. It would have been so fitting, being in love with a dead man. The thought of being in love is still foreign in his mind. The last time he was in love, he was merely a teenager.
Now his heart stumbles at the thought of Mollymauk pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“You know I am not much of a talker”, he says, wondering if he should just tell Beau.
“Except when it comes to books and cats”, Beau says and gives him a lopsided grin. Caleb manages a smile.
“Looks like we’ll be complete again tomorrow.”
Her voice is so quiet, Caleb almost can’t hear her.
Complete again.
Yes.
“I’m happy”, he finally rasps, the words foreign on his tongue. Happiness feels strange, like something very old and lost to him, and still very new. Maybe he’s learning how it works to be happy again.
Beau actually puts her head on his shoulder.
“Me too”, she says.
The words stumble out of his mouth before he can stop them.
“Do you think it is possible to be in love with a dead person?”
Beau’s head stays where it is but Caleb can feel Beau go still at his words. His heart is hammering in his chest as if it wants to escape. Breathing is suddenly very hard. Hearing the words out loud is still very different from just testing them in his mind.
“Yeah. Sure”, Beau answers. No hesitance. No judging.
When did Beauregard Lionett become one of the very best friends to him? Caleb can’t say. Just like he has no idea when he fell in love with a certain purple tiefling.
“I feel stupid”, Caleb rasps, wringing his hands and trying to control his breathing.
“It’s not stupid, Caleb. Isn’t it like… super normal that people only realize what they had when it’s gone? Or whatever? That’s what it was like for me anyway. That dumb fuck was the worst and then he pissed off and–you know? When he gets back I’ll hit him. Like. At least twice. And then I’mma hug the fuck out of him because I fucking... didn’t do that while he was still around.”
Caleb doesn’t want to hit Mollymauk. He wants to hug him. He wants him to smile. And in a very ashamed part of his brain is a wish for a kiss. Caleb probably doesn’t even know how to kiss anymore. Molly on the other hand–
He can feel heat rising to his cheeks and he clears his throat, hoping that Beau won’t notice.
“I don’t think I want to hit him”, he confesses and Beau snorts.
“Nah. Didn’t think so. Though I have to say, Caleb. If you start smooshing faces I’ll get the fuck out of there. No offense.”
Caleb coughs a little and Beau raises her head again.
Beau looks at him and Caleb actually manages to look back. Beau seems to consider something, then she opens her mouth and Caleb can see the embarrassment on her face.
“Pretty sure that asshole is like. The brother I was supposed to have, y’know? And I didn’t realize that before–before he died. For me. So. Yeah. Not stupid. And now I have to stop talking about my fucking feelings or I’ll vomit”, she says, her voice hoarse and her eyes definitely wet.
Then she gets up and ruffles his hair aggressively before stomping away.
Caleb doesn’t sleep much that night and he knows that Yasha and Beau are also awake. Yasha staring at the sky, Beau pretending to be asleep.
Still, they’re the first at Mollymauk’s grave where, surprisingly, a rather dirty and worn-out coat still floats in the wind. Caleb feels his breath catch in his throat because the whole grave is full of vibrant, colorful flowers. Caduceus doesn’t seem to be surprised by this and he smiles, apparently satisfied with his handiwork.
Yasha sinks to her knees and carefully touches the flowers while Beau grabs the coat and folds it up before ripping the stick out of the earth.
“Let’s do this”, she says, throws the stick aside and swallows heavily, while Jester slowly approaches the grave and pulls out the diamond.
Caleb can’t breathe.
He’ll be back. He will be alive and breathing and–
Even though he’s exhausted and tired and weak Caleb helps to dig up the corpse. No one speaks when they find the remains. After months, there is not much left that resembles Mollymauk and Caleb has a hard time looking at what’s left of the colorful person he knew.
Jester is crying the whole time while she carefully puts the diamond on what was once Mollymauk’s chest. There is no question if the person coming back will be Mollymauk or someone else.
Jester calls only for Molly’s soul. The soul that belongs in this body above any other soul. Yasha and Beau hold Jester’s hands and Caleb carefully places a hand on Jester’s shoulder while Fjord, Nott and Caduceus stand on either side of the corpse.
The diamond vanishes in a flash of light and Caleb feels nauseous as he watches the body reassemble itself like a morbid puzzle.
“That is quite fascinating to watch”, Caduceus mumbles somewhere to his left.
When the body is whole again, it’s completely naked.
There lies Mollymauk Tealeaf, naked, scarred and in a bed of wildflowers.
In a moment of silence and panic nothing happens before red eyes spring open and a deep breath gets sucked into intact lungs.
Caleb realizes that he’s been holding his breath as they all rush forward, except himself and Caduceus.
He needs to sit down. He needs to calm his breathing. He needs to touch Mollymauk to make sure that he’s really alive and unharmed and–
“Alright there, Mr Caleb? Breathe with me, you’re doing great. Breathe in, breathe out”, Caduceus’ soothing voice says in his ear and warm hands grab him as he stumbles.
The next few hours are a blur for Caleb.
He has no idea how to approach Mollymauk while all the others have no problem acting as if he never died in the first place. Beau doesn’t actually punch Mollymauk, but she does hug him and Caleb hears her suppress a sob when she stammers “You fucking asshole, don’t you dare–don’t–just don’t!”. Yasha doesn’t leave his side for even a second. Nott and Jester keep telling Molly all about what happened to them after he was gone (”We were pirates!” – “You were pirates without me!?”) and even Caduceus asks curious questions about being dead.
Fjord shows Molly his sword. Jester and Molly hold hands. Yasha shows him all the new flowers she collected.
All Caleb can do is sit there and stare at Mollymauk. Wonderfully alive Mollymauk.
His heart aches so much, it actually feels like a physical hurt and Caleb just wants it to stop. Being in love never felt like that, he’s sure of that. At one point, he finds Mollymauk staring back at him.
Caleb’s throat feels very dry while those red eyes rest on his face and a small, lopsided smile spreads on his face.
He might just faint then and there.
“Do you want to get out for a bit?”, a familiar voice says and Caleb flinches before he looks up into Mollymauk’s red eyes. He swallows and looks around in a panic before he finds Beau’s face and she nods her head to encourage him. Caleb gets up and feels dizzy as he follows Mollymauk out of the small Inn they settled in for the night.
“You looked like you wanted to be elsewhere”, Mollymauk says when the cold night-air brushes their hair out of their faces and Caleb sits down on one of the boxes standing outside the Inn. Mollymauk sits down next to him.
“So. I can add ‘eaten by worms’ to my resumé. Pretty impressive, huh?”
Caleb shuddered and snorts.
“I don’t remember it though. Pretty glad about that.”
Caleb doesn’t know what to say. There are many things he wants to say, but they would be uncalled for, inappropriate and terribly embarrassing.
“The new guy is great, he knows an awful lot about mushrooms”, Mollymauk continues and lets his legs swing back and forth as if testing them. See if they still work the same as before.
“Ja. He uh–he really likes mushrooms.”
Molly laughs.
“Don’t we all”, he says with a chuckle and then he’s quiet for a while, looking up at the sky. Caleb thinks about how Beau doesn’t consider his feelings stupid. They’re still there, buzzing under his skin, now that Mollymauk actually sits beside him. But what do you do about feelings like this? They seem to big for Caleb’s body, trying to spill out in any way they can.
When a warm hand reaches for his he almost chokes on his own spit.
“Hey Mr Caleb”, Mollymauk says and doesn’t look at him when he speaks. His eyes are still turned skyward. “I died. And it sucked. Like, a lot. I might just die again tomorrow.”
Caleb’s chest feels very tight at the thought. Molly’s fingers don’t let go of his hand and he thinks his heart might fly away into the night.
“Don’t. Don’t–Just. Be careful, ja?”
Mollymauk tilts his head back and finally turns to look at Caleb.
“I’ll try. Dying sucks, to be honest with you. What I meant though, is–you know. If I die again tomorrow I might as well make the most of my time, yeah?”
Caleb barely manages to look Mollymauk in the eyes.
If I die again tomorrow I might as well make the most of my time, yeah?
Caleb takes a deep breath and turns his hand upside down, so his fingers are able to intertwine themselves with Mollymauk’s.
“We all missed you”, he rasps. It’s all he can manage.
Mollymauk smiles, a small, earnest smile. Not his flashy grin, the one he puts on when he lies and jokes and postures. It reminds Caleb of the smile he saw after they discovered the truth about Mollymauk’s past. Or the lack of it.
“I’m pretty sure I missed you, too. Can’t remember, but. You know. It was good with you all. I’d like to experience more of that.”
Another silence follows, this one stretching out longer. Caleb wants to know what’s going on in Mollymauk’s head. He also wants to say everything that goes on in his mind.
I’m too broken to love anyone. I’m too broken to be loved. I hate myself so much, being in love is so hard. Touching is hard. Talking about caring and feelings is impossible. How can it feel so good to just hold someone’s hand?
“Beau told me she missed me. Said I’m like a brother to her”, Mollymauk says after a long while. “She’s still entirely unpleasant, but I would die again for her any day, you know. Having siblings like that is great, to be perfectly honest.”
So Beau did what Caleb cannot. Just said it. Even though she must be ashamed and even though she has a hard time talking about feelings, just like Caleb.
“Mr Caleb?”
“Ja?” Caleb clears his throat. “Mr Mollymauk?”
His own words make him smile.
He missed saying this.
“If I die again tomorrow I’d be really angry if I didn’t try to kiss you right now.”
Caleb doesn’t want Mollymauk to talk about dying anymore. But his whole body freezes when he hears the second part of Molly’s statement and when Molly gets up and suddenly stands in front of him, all he can do is look up at him helplessly, his cheeks burning and his heart hammering.
“So, Mr Caleb. Will you let a dead man steal a kiss?”
The grin Mollymauk shows him is the one he uses when he tries to hide his uncertainty. Caleb knows how to spot it. He replayed every single one of Molly’s expression in his mind so, so many times.
“No”, he whispers and his heart might just explode at the flash of hurt that flickers over Molly’s features, “but a living one would be–that would be–”
Molly blinks and the next thing Caleb knows he has a lap full of purple tiefling, hands in his hair and very warm lips pressed on his mouth. He gasps and almost falls off the box he sits on before his arms wrap around Mollymauk and he finally finds the sense to kiss him back.
No more dying, he thinks as he desperately buries his fingers in Mollymauk’s hair. No more dying.
Molly kisses him like a drowning man in need for air. He tries touching every part of Caleb he can get his hands on and Caleb finds himself panting into the kiss. It’s all so much. Which is only fitting, he thinks, since this is Mollymauk Tealeaf he’s kissing.
“Why, Mr Caleb”, Molly pants against his lips. “For kisses like that, I might just stay alive as long as I possibly can.”
Caleb pulls him down again.
“Deal”, he murmurs into the next kiss.
He supposes that he’ll just have to kiss Mollymauk Tealeaf every day for as long as possible.
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