#okay i remember my wisdom tooth thing sucking but i don’t remember it sucking this month and i got an infection maybe it’s because it was on

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

y’all i’m in so much fuckimg pain… i recommend not having tmjd or bruxism or bone issues or random things cursing your teeth

#okay i remember my wisdom tooth thing sucking but i don’t remember it sucking this month and i got an infection maybe it’s because it was on #both sides so it was equal bad #and my bruxism is making so much worse because can’t wear bite guard rn when sleep so it sucks #rey actually speaks #words hard so this might be gibberish also one eye kinda swollen

[mars-ipan]

i feel like giving unsolicited advice so i’m gonna give you my tips and tricks for something i’ve struggled with for a while and am finally improving on!! hygiene. dental hygiene in particular but i will also have some general hygiene tips in here. ok let’s go :)

get an electric toothbrush. oh my god they are so useful. they do the actual brushing for you and automatically stop after 2 minutes so all you have to worry about is moving the brush to get it to all of your teeth. it’s so so useful and has made brushing my teeth a lot less exhausting. they can get kind of expensive but there’s also cheap ones (sonicare is the best brand but lots of ‘em work well)

if you’re like me and your hygiene issues stem from a lack of motivation, find ways to “cheat.” keep a toothbrush by your bed. the motion of brushing your teeth does more for you than the toothpaste (which provides extra protection for your enamel), so even just taking a dry toothbrush and using that can help your teeth. get a dry shampoo too. that way you can still go out even if your hair’s greasy and you don’t have the energy for a shower

if you’re bad at forming and keeping habits like me, then find some sort of excuse to get started. mine was getting my wisdom teeth out- i have to brush twice a day so my sockets don’t get infected. your reason may be smaller, something like “my teeth are really sensitive and brushing well will prevent that.” give yourself a reason and stick to it as best you can

ok this one is hard and i’m honestly impressed with myself for following it so far. Do Not Skip Days. i know. a lot of the time you’re very tired at night and you just wanna go to bed. but if you skip one day you will then skip two days. then three. and you will not pick up the habit again for a while. this is another way the “cheating” can come in handy. if you’re low spoons then a dry brush is still better than skipping

baby steps. my first step in hygiene improvement was actually a big one- i went straight to brushing twice daily for two minutes (plus cleaning my nightguard every night). that’s a big improvement for me. next i wanna add floss to the mix, but if i did it now i’d get overwhelmed. so i’m gonna wait until the twice daily brushing becomes a normal routine, and THEN i’ll start flossing

be patient with yourself!!! the amount of times i have nearly forgotten to brush my teeth in the morning is insane. sometimes i don’t remember until like mid-afternoon. don’t beat yourself up for stuff like this. just say “okay, i’ll brush my teeth now then” and call it a win. you still did the thing! that’s what counts. if you’re very forgetful you may wanna set alarms to remind you.

gingivitis and tooth sensitivity SUCKS. real bad. i love sour foods and ice cream but i have to be really careful when i eat them because i wasn’t taking good care of my teeth for a while and eating them can hurt really bad. caramel hurts so bad i actively avoid it, and i hate chewing with my canines because as soon as i drink water afterwards they scream at me in pain. my gingivitis is still very minor and i’ve actually caught it quite early. my dad did not, and now he’s considering getting all his teeth pulled and replaced because his enamel is so thin and his gums are so swollen that his teeth are loosening. it is like scary. and expensive. trust me gingivitis hurts you don’t want it

hold your toothbrush at a 45 degree angle when brushing your gums. by the way make sure you’re brushing your gum line. plaque can build up there and it’s mainly what causes gingivitis to begin with. clean up there

do you hate traditional string floss? get flosspicks. not only do they make flossing easier but you also have a bunch of toothpicks in case food gets stuck in your teeth. so damn useful for popcorn in the molars

if you hate mint you do not have to use a mint toothpaste. you can get a bubblegum toothpaste if you want. or a watermelon toothpaste. kids’ toothpaste is just as effective as adult toothpaste and i promise you the cashier does not care enough about what you buy to judge you. use whatever toothpaste you want

if you have a chew stim sometimes chewing on a stim toy too much can move your teeth out of place. you do not want this. if your teeth are sore or your jaw is locked from using a chew toy or even if you just want more variety i’d suggest chewing gum. icebreakers gum is my personal fav (grape flavor is the best) but plenty of ‘em work. not only is it way softer and not gonna misalign your teeth but chewing gum after eating helps reduce cavities AND it stimulates your digestive system which, for me, helps me with appetite issues i struggle with. free bonus

some whitening toothpastes can damage your enamel. activated charcoal has this issue too. if you have difficulties brushing your teeth regularly i wouldn’t use tooth whitening products if you can avoid it- sensodyne is a good brand for rebuilding enamel and lessening sensitivity if you want to whiten your teeth eventually, and i absolutely recommend it to those of us who can go days without brushing.

if you do use whitening strips or anything like that DO NOT LEAVE THEM ON TOO LONG. your teeth are gonna hurt super fucking bad to the point where air or your tongue just sends waves of pain through your jaw. if you ever keep a whitening strip on too long you need to rub some toothpaste on your teeth (sensodyne works best) and let it sit there for a good while. while that sensitivity is temporary it also hurts really really bad so you’ll want to remedy it asap.

don’t brush too hard. brushing too hard on damaged teeth and gums can actually make things worse- this is part of why an electric toothbrush that does it for you makes things easier. if you’re brushing really hard and your gums bleed every time or seem to be getting worse i’d recommend you brush lighter. the clean is less about the amount of force you give and more about the amount of time you spend

brush your tongue!! if ur gag reflex is like mine and you can’t really do that, then at least make sure to swish your toothpaste around your mouth and over your tongue before you spit. a lot of bacteria sits there and causes both the bad taste in your mouth and bad breath. once you’ve cleaned off enough of that bacteria your mouth is gonna feel fresh for longer and you’re gonna actually feel your motivation improving. i brushed my teeth over an hour ago and my mouth still feels minty fresh, that’s awesome

#i think that’s all i got for now #oh!! if you want to you can try to gamify your hygiene #maybe each hygienic thing you do correlates to a certain amount of points #you have a quota of points to earn each month or week or day #as you get better you need more points. etc etc #oh also. don’t feel guilty for having hygiene issues #they’re incredibly difficult to deal with and it doesn’t mean you’re gross or a pig or a slob #that being said they can also be very dangerous- dental hygiene especially can quickly become a medical issue #do your best. be patient with yourself. you’ve got this <3

[suckitsurveys]

Have you ever seen a leech in person? I have. When I was little I had a bunch on me once.

What’s the last rebellious thing you done? I don’t know?

What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in the past year? Don’t suck at stuff?

Do you own any tiny versions of larger things? Sure.

What are 2 things you’d tell your child self that you wish you would’ve known then? Take care of yourself. Love yourself.

Did you used to play hopscotch? Yeah

Have you ever seen a musician live? Yes, I’ve been to several concerts.

What’s the first letter of your best friends name? S. E. M. R.

Do you have anything monogrammed? I don’t think so, actually.

Did you sleep well last night? I never do. That would be nice, though.

Do you ever remember your dreams? Very rarely.

When is the last time you checked your mail? Yesterday.

Do you have strong opinions about religion? Oh yes.

Are there any popular dance moves you are good at? I can do a couple tik tok dances lol.

Have you ever seen a flash mob in person? No.

Do you ever attend protests? I have.

Have you ever struggled with acne? Yeah, currently.

Did you enjoy High School Musical when it was a thing? No.

What’s the last thing you threw away? A piece of paper.

Do you enjoy staying in hotels? I love it!

Have you ever ran down a hotel hallway? Yes.

Have you ever shot a gun? A bb gun.

Are you from the south region of your country? Nope, the Midwest.

What color is the shirt you wear most often? I don’t have one I wear more than others, really.

Do you enjoy going on walks? Yes.

Do you know anyone who has a crush on you? My husband.

When was the last time you rode a carnival ride or roller coaster? I think summer 2019.

What’s your favorite shade of green? Emerald or seafoam. Or greens that can almost be blues.

Do you have any outdoor allergies? Probably.

What did you last break? I don’t remember.

Have you ever joined a moshpit? Yeah.

Do you consider yourself to be old-fashioned? In some ways, yes.

What cover do you think is better than the original song? Every cover of Chelsea Hotel #2.

Would you ever like to learn belly dancing? No.

How is your day going? It’s okay. I got a Starbucks color changing cup! The last one too!

Are there words you struggle pronouncing? Conscience and peculiar.

What’s one of your favorite memories related to an animal? Picking up Ramona when we adopted her.

How many people have you been around today? My coworkers, mostly.

Do you suffer from any mental illnesses? Yes.

Have you ever had to have a tooth cut out? My wisdom teeth.

#surveys

[moyaxhi]

high on loving you [renga]

 summary: 

“Someone is here for you, his name is Kyan Reki?” 

“My boyfriend?”  Or: langa gets his wisdom tooth pulled out and reki is tasked with picking him up from the dentist. langa introduces reki as his boyfriend, but they’re not exactly boyfriends yet.

[ao3] 

It was three months ago when Langa complains that there’s soreness on his gums. Now, Langa has always had a track record for having great teeth. He’s never gotten his teeth filled (his mom made sure that his teeth were sparkly clean, practically drilled it in him when he was young), never had to get braces (there was a time where he  really wanted them, even begged for braces, and his dentist, the traitor, had said that there was no need for them.), he’s never even had gingivitis.

 Langa has always had perfect teeth.

 It was quite alarming that his teeth were feeling sore. It happened while he and Reki were together–when are they ever not these days. Reki had been showing him some of the local sweets around. A kind older woman had flagged them over while they were skating.

 “Hi Reki!” She calls out enthusiastically. Reki came to a stop in front of a house and held his board in between his hips. Langa followed and stopped as well. The older woman was wiping her hands with her apron. She wore a soft pink ruffled apron as well as a matching bandana. There was a smell of something sweet that filled the air. It smelled familiar like fresh pancakes he would have as a child back when they were in Canada, like the ones his own grandmother would make for him.

 She was smiling brightly, this was the thing in Okinawa that he noticed, everyone was smiling. They were familiar and so close to each other.

 She turned her attention to the both of them, “Wait here boys, I have something to give to you.”

 “Oh!” Reki exclaims excited, “Thank you Grandma Iki!”

 She waves her hand in dismissal. When she came out, she was holding five bags filled with sugar-coated peanuts.

 “Just made these peanut brittles today!” She handed one to Langa and gave the rest to Reki, “Make sure you share some with your sisters and your boyfriend!”

 Langa blushed at that, he spared a look at Reki, who for the most part laughed it off.

 She was already walking away, not waiting for a reply, the two of them bowed and yelled ‘thank you’.

 On their way home, the two of them were munching on the peanut brittle. Langa bit into it and immediately regretted it. It wasn’t that he didn’t like sweets, but it had been uncomfortable.

 “Ouch,” He mumbled, holding on to his cheek. Instead of biting into the brittle, he started sucking on it.

 Reki looked him over, “What’s wrong?”

 “I think,” Langa sucks air tiding away another painful throb in his jaw, “I think it’s my tooth?”

 “Huh,” Reki walks over in front of him. Too close. He can feel Reki’s breath on his skin. He was an inch taller than Reki but now, it felt like Reki was towering over him with how he scrutinised every inch of Langa’s face.  

 Langa feels a blush make its way to his cheeks, his ears, his neck. God he wishes Reki wouldn’t notice.

 Instead because whoever was up there had mercy on him, his best friend and current crush replies with, “You sunburnt again?”

 And Langa exhales mentally and shakes his head externally.

 Reki sighs. He taps on Langa’s jaw, “Did your filling happen to chip?”

 Langa shakes his head, “I don’t have any.”

 “What?! For real?” Reki cups Langa’s cheeks trying to pry his mouth open. Okay, totally not invasive at all.

 Slurred, Langa tried to say, “Yeah, I’ve never had to need them.”

 It all came out gibberish, but because he and Reki happened to share a brain cell, Reki was able to understand all of it.

 “You lucky bastard,” Reki’s eyes are still solely focused on him whilst letting go of Langa’s cheeks. Langa, feeling shy, has to avert his eyes elsewhere, “If I even forget to brush my teeth once, my teeth start to decay.”

 Reki backs away and walks forward. Langa follows and the two of them settle into a comfortable silence. The sun was setting and it coloured Okinawa in an orange-red hue. The air was cooler these days. Summer was ending soon it seemed.

 Langa kept running his tongue on the back of his left molar. The gum line, even if he couldn’t see it right now seemed to be swollen.

 Guess that meant a trip to the dentist.

 ---

 “It’s an impacting wisdom tooth.” The dentist says.

 His mother was still at work and Langa came to the dentist office by himself. His mother had offered to drive, but he was quick to shoot it down saying that he would skate to the office.

 “We’ll need to take it out,” Langa’s mouth is wide open as the dentist probed on his gums gently, “It’s going to be a quick surgery. Do you have anyone with you right now?”

 The dentist took out his dental probe. Langa shook his head, “No, I’m alone.”

 “We’ll have to get consent from your guardian.”

 Langa sighs and calls his mother mentally apologising for calling her at this hour knowing that she would be busy with work.

 “Hello?” She answers, “Langa?”

 “Hi mom,” He says, “I need your consent.”

 “Oh!” She perks up, “What for sweetie?”

 Langa sighs, “The dentist says I have an impacting wisdom tooth. So, they need to perform emergency surgery.”

 There was the sound of rustling papers on the other line. His mother must be busy in the lab then.  

 “Oh of course!” She replies more rustling, “Have them send over the forms and I’ll sign them immediately with our insurance policy.”

 “Okay.”

 With that, he hangs up.

 Seventeen years of not having a single cavity and here he is having to tide over an impacting wisdom tooth. Just his luck.

 Well, at least he has a free pass for school today.

 ---

 Langa is really hazy.

 The room is spinning. He thinks this is what it might feel like to be drunk. He’s so nauseous that he might actually puke.

 He blinks a couple of times but the lights around him are so offending he wants to hurl something at it.

 There are voices, but for the life of him, he can’t understand. His brain is short-circuiting for sure. Is this what it feels like to sit on a marshmallow? It’s so soft and warm, but also everything is displaced and it keeps spinning.

 “ I’m gonna puke,  ” He says in English  .

  Immediately, there’s the cool feel of metal as a trash bin is pushed to his hands. He puts his head in it, but then it’s too dark and he sleeps so well in the dark, so he just ends up staring into nothingness, huh, that feels really nice, he might fall asleep–

 “Langa,” someone, he’s not sure who nudges him, “Langa, it’s Dr Sawada, can you hear me?”

 “Huh?” He intelligently replies, his brain has not caught up, and it takes a minute for him to comprehend that he’s speaking in Japanese.

 Right.

 He’s in Japan right now, he moved with his mom half a year ago. He met this red head, no scratch that, the love of his life here, oh and the love of his life doesn’t know, he skates, that’s right, oh and where is he right now?

 “ Where am I? ” He says in English before he remembers; Japanese, he has to speak Japanese. And so he repeats, “Where am I?”

 The Doctor, he’s going to call him Doctor with a capital ‘D’ because he can’t remember the doctor’s name all he remembers is Reki and who he wants to get the–

 Oh. Reki. Yeah. That’s right.

 With his red hair, his nice fingers, his cute freckles, what Langa would do to kiss each of the freckles on his face. What Langa would  kill for to kiss Reki.

 Oh yeah, wait the Doctor is saying something, “You’re at the dental clinic right now.”

 Huh.

 But he could have sworn he was on a marshmallow, “Okay.”

 “We had to give you some anesthesia.”

 “Not good?”

 Doctor Doctor laughs, “Someone is here for you, his name is Reki Kyan?”

 “My boyfriend?”

 “Sure.” Doctor Doctor walks out of the room with a smile on his face.

 Oh my god, his boyfriend Reki is here to pick him up. He could cry. What a good boyfriend. His  boyfriend .

 Reki comes in yellow hoodie and all, red hair, he’s so beautiful Langa could cry, “Langa, hey, your mom called me to pick you up.”

 That’s when Langa cries because Reki came to pick him up, he’s the best boyfriend Langa has ever had.

 Langa has fat tears coming down from his face and he groans covering his eyes with his arm.

 “Langa?” Reki’s voice is panicked and he reaches over to touch his shoulder, “Are you okay?”

 More tears come down, it’s a waterfall at this point, he’s just so overwhelmed with everything. Reki, his boyfriend, is here to pick him up and he can’t stand up from the marshmallow, and Doctor Doctor is nowhere to be found.

 “Uh,” He can hear Reki coming closer trying to pry his arms out of his face, “I don’t know what to do.”

 “He’s gonna be out of it for a couple of hours because of the anaesthesia, but he’s going to be okay.” Oh, that’s where Doctor Doctor is.

 “Oh,” Reki says because he’s so good, he’s the best Langa knows, “That’s fine. Alright buddy, come on.”

 As gently as he can, Reki is pulling him up to stand up, but his legs, oh my god where are his legs?

 He cries even harder, “My legs!”

 “What? What’s wrong with your legs?”

 “It’s gone!” Langa wails, “It’s gone and I can’t find them.”

 Reki laughs. It sounds like the best thing Langa has ever heard, but this is hardly the time to be laughing.

 “Don’t laugh at me,” Langa protests, “A good boyfriend would help me find my legs.”

 “Boyfriend?” Reki asks like it’s news to him, they’ve been boyfriends since Langa woke up and that felt like ages ago, years even. Langa has it in good account that they have been destined for each other, he knows this because he said so, “If this is your way of asking me out then it sucks.”

 His boyfriend thinks he sucks.

 “You what sucks even more?” Reki says his face so close. Oh my god Reki has a freckle under his nose, it’s so cute, he could kiss it, “Is that you won’t kiss me.”

 That does suck.

 He has to fix that.

 He’s the worst boyfriend ever.

 He cries even harder.

 “I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”

 Reki laughs and pulls Langa’s arm around his shoulder, “Yeah you are. You better ask me out again when you can remember.”

 That strikes a chord into Langa’s whole being. He turns to face Reki and as serious as he can get, he wanted to say that he won’t ever forget about Reki but all that comes out is, “I won’t remember.”

 Nailed it.

 ---

 He will know a little bit later that he did not, in fact, nail it.

 ---

 It’s not like he forgets about the whole thing.

 In fact, he remembers the whole thing in clear picturesque quality, like 1080p 4K quality.

 Langa remembers Doctor Doctor (now Doctor Sawada), remembers the marshmallow, and how he has made a fool out of himself in front of Reki.

 He’s in his room, covered in his black and blue striped blanket and all he can do is duck further into his bed and scream as loud as he can into his pillow.

 He also remembers that Reki technically  told him to give him a kiss.

 ---

 It happens like this.

 All of them are at ‘S’.

 Miya, Shadow, Cherry, and Joe all witness as Langa challenges Reki to an ‘S’.

 “Terms?” Reki says leaning onto the wall of the ramp.

 “If you win, I get to kiss you.” Langa says and he calls it a triumphant win as he witnesses Reki turn as red as his hair, “If I win, I get to take you on a date.”

 “This is all too one-sided.” Reki counters without any real bite to his words. There’s a blush sploshed on his face, “It’s a win-win for you.”

 “It’s a win-win for the both of us.” Langa says.

 “Why can’t you two be normal for once and just do things normally?” Miya, his face contorted in disgust.

 Reki laughs, “You’re the worst boyfriend ever.”

 Despite this, they gear up to get ready for the starting point. 

 At the end of the night, it didn’t really matter who won (Joe says it was Reki). 

 At the end of the night, both he and Reki were holding hands. 

 At the end of the night, Langa has given Reki about ten kisses. 

 ---

 Reki never lives Langa’s wisdom tooth extraction story down.

 “And that’s how he asked me out, he’s so lame.”

  ---

#renga #sk8 the infinity #sk8 #langa hasegawa #reki kyan #purely fluff and humor #nina's writing #the one where langa gets his wisdom tooth pulled out

[losingmymindtonight]

Trope: Sleepy

There were a lot of perks that came with being a billionaire, but the ones Tony Stark ended up appreciating the most were nearly always the things other people wouldn’t even consider.

Sure, he liked being able to leave large tips on small checks. He liked being able to buy clothes without checking the price tag. He liked knowing that no matter what college Peter chose, the tuition wouldn’t be an issue.

But the thing that he was grateful for now was the fact that since the MedBay was his, and because he employed everyone in it, he got a lot more leeway that he would’ve in a general hospital.

For one, he’d been able to hire the best pediatric dental surgeon in the country to do Peter’s wisdom teeth surgery. He’d also been able to demand that Helen Cho worked beside him. She was partly there to advise him on Peter’s enhancements, and partly there because there were very few people Tony trusted with Peter’s safety, and she was one of them.

He was also allowed to stay right beside Peter as they prepped him for the surgery, and had Helen’s distinct promise that she’d fetch him the second they were done. He could’ve stayed for the whole procedure, even, but Peter had scrunched up his face at the suggestion, murmured a lazy ew, and made Helen promise to kick Tony out before they started.

Now, though, as Cho and the anesthesiologist bustled around his hospital bed, Tony could see that the kid was shamelessly grateful for his steady presence at his side.

“Are you even sure I need the IV?” Peter asked, eyes darting between the elastic tourniquet the anesthesiologist was fastening around his bicep and the needle on the tray beside her. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, wack me over the head?”

Tony snorted. “You’ve got a thick head, kid. Wouldn’t work.”

Cho joined in his amusement, patting Peter’s other arm gently. “It’ll be alright, Peter. I even brought out the numbing cream we usually use with little kids. You don’t feel a thing.”

Peter cringed away when he saw the anesthesiologist prep the needle, and Tony gently tipped his chin up and away, forcing the kid’s gaze onto his face rather than the imminent poke to the back of his hand.

“Why is it,” Peter murmured, “that the older we get, the more pain people think we’re cool to tolerate? Like, shouldn’t everyone get the numbing cream? Is suffering, like, a right of passage or something? I don’t get it.”

“Hm.” Tony entertained the rambling partly because he adored the kid, and partly because it was a fantastic distraction. “You make a solid argument, squirt. Maybe you should grow up and be a doctor like Cho, here.”

“Technically, Tony, I’m a geneticist.”

“You’re also a doctor.”

“In my spare time.”

Peter gave her a lopsided smile, Tony’s hand still pressed against the side of his face. “Well, I think you’re a great doctor.”

Cho smiled back. “That’s just because I stitch you back together again after you’ve done doing something foolhardy.”

“Isn’t that a valid reason?”

“All done!” The anesthesiologist declared, taping down the kid’s cannula. “Everyone ready to get started?”

Peter started twitching nervously. Even when Tony let go of his chin, his eyes stayed locked on his face. “I, uh, this is gonna suck, right?”

“No,” he reassured, keeping his voice calm despite his own nervousness. “You heal quickly, and I made opioids that work on you for a reason. You’ll be fine.”

“It’s a very easy procedure, son.” Tony bristled at the way the dental surgeon (Doctor Rhine, maybe? He hadn’t really been paying much attention during the introductions) addressed the kid, despite knowing that it was all done in kindness. “And you won’t remember a bit of it.”

Tony shifted a little, trying to relieve some of the stress on his back from perching awkwardly on the edge of the kid’s bed. Peter’s IV-free hand shot out and latched around his wrist.

“Wait, don’t go,” he was blushing, but didn’t let go, “not, uh, not yet. Please?”

“Easy, I’m not leaving until you’re too drugged to notice.” He patted the kid’s shoulder gently. “We talked about this, remember?”

Slowly, Peter’s grip eased. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Hey, no apologies. Just relax.”

“Alright,” Cho gave the anesthesiologist a quick nod, “you ready, Tony?”

“Mhm.” He cupped the side of Peter’s neck, firm and steadying. Part of him wanted to crack a joke about filming the kid and uploading it to YouTube later, but he held back. He knew the kid was nervous about the whole thing, and he doubted it’d help. Instead, he just swiped a thumb over his cheek and smiled encouragingly. “Hey, what’d you do on patrol last night?”

“Um, I stopped a robbery on 77th. Then I helped out with a fender bender a few blocks down. On 150th, I think? ‘N then I went to, uh, to, uh... to Delmar’s.” Peter blinked rapidly. “Whoa.”

“Strong, isn’t it?” Cho touched the small of Tony’s back, out of view of Peter. A barely-there reassurance.

“Yeah. Whoa.” The kid’s eyes wandered up to meet his. “Mis’er Stark?”

“Hey, buddy. You’re alright, just let the drugs to their thing.”

He brushed his fingers through the kid’s bangs softly as he dozed off, heart warming at the fact that he never once looked away from Tony’s face, even as his gaze got glassy and unfocused.

“You can go now, Tony.” Cho patted his arm. “He won’t remember any of this.”

“Yeah, of course.” He made sure Peter’s head wouldn’t roll uncomfortably when he relinquished his hold on his face, then rubbed his cheek to catch his admittedly drowsy attention. “Hey, kid. I’m gonna let them do their thing. You alright if I go for a bit? I’ll be right back as soon as they’re done. You won’t even notice I left.”

Peter just let his eyelids droop shut. “M’kay.”

“Good boy.” He didn’t know why the kid’s easy acceptance of him leaving made him feel just the tiniest hint of rejection. After all, the whole point of the drugs were to chill him out. Tony had helped design them with that in mind. But... still. A part of him wanted the kid to ask him to stay. “I’ll see you in a bit, alright?”

He didn’t get a response. Peter's eyes were closed, breaths deep and slow.

“He’ll probably just nap now.” Cho pulled him away and pushed him towards the door. “Go on, Tony. The sooner we can start, the sooner you can help him wake up.”

Back in the waiting room, he found himself envying the kid the drugs. He’d have given just about anything to get to check out during the hour and a bit he spent loitering in the halls. He drank three cups of coffee, ate a bagel, counted every ceiling and floor tile in sight. All the while, he had to force himself to studiously ignore the fact that just a few rooms away, someone was pulling his kid’s teeth out of his skull.

And, okay, logically he knew he was being a drama queen. Peter was fine. Wisdom teeth extractions were, like, the most mundane procedure of all time. Nearly everyone had it. Hell, he had had it, far enough back that Jarvis, the human Jarvis, had been the one taking care of him in the aftermath. He knew that his parents must’ve been alive, but they hadn’t been there. He remembered that, even through the haze of painkillers.

Peter wouldn’t experience that, at least. He’d come back to himself with Tony at his side, and it would only be a few hours before May arrived. Peter had adamantly declared that he’d rather have her see him once he was fully conscious and recovered, and nobody had argued with him.

Tony felt a little touched that the kid had been fine with him seeing him drugged off his ass. Then again, they’d been through this kind of thing before, with countless broken bones and gushing lacerations, courtesy of reckless patrols.

The doors to Peter’s room opened, and Cho and the dental surgeon walked out. Cho was already giving him a thumbs up before she’d fully emerged, aware of his tendency to work himself up during waits.

Bless her.

“All good, Tony.” She smiled, coming to a stop in front of him. “Textbook surgery, not a single complication. Two of them were impacted, which we already knew, but they weren’t difficult to remove once we got in there. He was perfect, too. A real trooper.”

“So he’s alright?” He felt a little ridiculous for needing the extra reassurance, but not ridiculous enough to avoid asking. “You’re sure?”

Doctor Rhine (Tony decided he was sticking with it) glanced at Cho briefly before nodding. “As Doctor Cho said before, Mister Stark, he’s perfectly alright. A little out of it, but nothing you wouldn’t expect after a wisdom tooth extraction.”

“He slept through most of it, which is what I was hoping for,” Cho added. “He woke up a little near the end, when we were inserting the gauze.” She grinned. “He asked for you.”

His heart clenched. “Was he upset I left?”

“No, no. He wasn’t distressed. He just asked where you went, and then said he wanted you to come back.” She nodded behind her, in the general direction of the kid’s room. “And on that note: you’re welcome to go grant him his wish. Just because we’re not sure how his system is going to react to the painkillers you synthesized, I’d like to keep him in there for his first dose. As long as he doesn’t have a reaction to that, we’ll just wait until he’s awake enough to head up to the penthouse. There’s a nurse in with him now, but you’re welcome to take over.”

The idea of Peter asking for him soothed the piece of him that was still chafing over the kid’s easy acceptance of him leaving earlier.

“Yeah, right.” He made a beeline for Peter’s door, barely pausing to turn back. “Thanks, Helen. Thanks, Rhine.”

He hoped he got the man’s name right.

If not, whoops.

The kid was exactly where he’d left him, although someone had removed most of the monitors and other equipment. The IV was still in the back of his hand, probably for easy administration of pain meds later, but nothing was attached to it. He looked asleep, face peaceful and eyelashes brushing his cheeks. A curly-haired nurse was standing at the kid’s shoulder, talking to him gently. She looked up when Tony stepped in, smiling.

“Hey, sweetheart, look. Dad’s here. See? I told you he was on his way.”

He thought about correcting her, then didn’t bother. He kept most of the details about Peter confidential, even from the medical staff, but he knew that they extrapolated, made assumptions. He didn’t even blame them. It was just human nature.

It would take to long to explain the truth at this point. And right now, he just wanted his kid.

“Hey, Pete.” He kept his voice hushed, setting his palm over the kid’s forehead in greeting. “How’re you feeling?”

Peter’s head lolled slightly in his direct, lazy smile forming around the cotton in his mouth even as his eyes stayed shut. “Mis’er S’rk.”

“That’s me.” He glanced up to the nurse, who was watching him with a knowing smile. “How’s he doing?”

“Perfectly.” She matched his quiet volume, and he made a mental note to give her a raise. “He’s been waking up a little these past few minutes. He tried to sit up a few times, which went about as well as you can imagine. He should settle down now that you’re here, though. Most kids do once their parents are in the room.”

Peter opened and closed his mouth around the gauze lazily, eyes cracking open just a sliver. “Di’ you leave me?”

Tony forced himself not to flinch. Man, this kid really knew his soft spot.

“Just for a bit, squirt.” He used his sleeve to wipe a bit of drool off of Peter’s chin, careful not to jostle his jaw. “They had to do the surgery. I was right outside, though.”

Peter’s face scrunched up in thought. “I… I don’ remember that.”

“Good.” It was good, too. He’d been having nightmares about the kid remembering the surgery for weeks. Sure, it wasn’t the same as having a metal reactor screwed into your chest, but Tony’s brain didn’t make the distinction. “You’re not supposed to.”

“W’s I sleepin’?”

“Kinda, yeah.”

Peter hummed in response, turning his face into the palm Tony pressed against his cheek.

The nurse nudged his arm to catch his attention. Man, he’d forgotten she was even there.

“I’ll step out, now. Doctor Cho’ll be back in a bit to check on him and see if he’s ready for some pain relief. Don’t be concerned if he falls back asleep, that’s very normal. Most kids are happy to nap once they realize that they’re with someone they trust.” She paused. “If you need to leave to do anything else, just hit the call button and I can sit with him for you.”

“No, I’ll stay. But thank you.”

“Of course.”

Once they were alone, he hopped up onto the bed, tapping Peter’s ear until he recognized the change of positions and started a series of clumsy attempts at octopusing his way into Tony’s arms. He helped him along, eventually settling the kid against his chest. He rubbed soothing circles over Peter’s back as he grew loose and heavy against him.

He was glad that the bed had already been raised into a semi-reclining position, because he wouldn’t have been able to fumble with the controls and also keep cradling his armful of limp teenager. After a little shifting, he found himself decently comfortable, and settled in for the long haul.

Cho came in about a half an hour later, took one look at his position, and started laughing quietly into her sleeve.

“Yeah, yeah,” he massaged the back of Peter’s neck as an apology for the noise, although the kid slept on, oblivious, “we’re very cute. Just take the picture for blackmail and move on.”

“I would never.” To be fair, he believed her. “Has he been sleeping since you came in?”

“He was awake at first, but then he conked right out on me. Nurse said that was normal.”

“It is. He’s still got the sedation in his system, and his body is probably trying to heal.” She moved to their bedside, checked Peter’s pulse on his wrist. “Do you think you could get him to wake up for me? I want to see how coherent he is, and ask if he’s in any pain.”

“Yeah, sure.” He shook Peter’s shoulder. “Hey, Pete. Wake up, buddy.”

“Hm.” The kid’s brow furrowed in displeasure. “Don’ wanna.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I know. Just for a bit though, squirt. Cho wants to talk to you.”

“Hey there, Peter.” Cho bent to look at his face. “How are you feeling?”

The kid dragged his eyelids open, blinking rapidly to try to orient himself. “Tired.”

“Are you in any pain?”

“Hm. Yeah. Ow.” Peter fumbled up a hand to poke at his cheek, but Tony caught it before he could. “Ow. M’ face hurts.”

Tony’s gaze snapped to Cho, and she was waving off his concern before he could even voice it. “Relax, Tony. The sedation is pretty limited in the analgesic department, and I guessed he’d go through the lidocaine quickly.” She held up a syringe. “I came prepared.”

He let out a genuine sigh of relief. There was nothing he hated more than Peter in pain. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” She injected the painkillers into Peter’s IV port. “The pain should be better in a second, Peter. You just keep cuddling with Tony.”

“Oi,” he glared, “we’re not cuddling.”

“Looks like cuddling to me.”

“Well, it isn’t.”

“What is it, then?”

“It’s... physical reassurance.”

“It’s cuddling.”

“Shut up.”

She laughed, turning her attention back to the kid. “Do you feel better now, Peter?”

“Mhm. Does Mis’er Stark have t’ leave now?”

“No, buddy,” Tony rubbed his back, “Mister Stark’s staying right here.”

“F’r the surgery?”

“You already had the surgery, kiddie. You’re all done.”

“Oh. Di’ I do good?”

“So good. A model patient, I hear.”

Cho walked towards the door with a smile on her lips, waving goodbye before slipping out silently.

“Mis’er Stark?” 

Peter blinked up at him heavily, little grin on his face. Some of the gauze had come loose, and Tony pushed it back into place carefully. Once he was done, he smoothed a few curls away from the kid’s forehead, soft grin coming unbidden. “Yes, Mister Parker?”

“D’you... D’you know h’w much I love you?”

His heart stilled. No, seriously, he swore he could feel it falter.

“No, bud.” The words felt numb in his mouth. “I... I guess I don’t.”

Do you love me? He thought. Do you really? Do I even deserve that?

“I... I love you... uh...” He watched Peter struggle for a unit that made sense, and some of his shock was swept away by the wildfire of his own love raging through every inch of his chest. “I love you ‘s far ‘s I c’n reach.”

There were times when Tony was struck by how young Peter was, how much the kid was still very much immersed in childhood, even if he liked to play at being an adult. This was one of those times, and it hit him out of nowhere with the full force of a speeding train.

He hugged him closer, voice rough. “I’m taller than you, kid. I can reach higher.”

“‘S not a... a compe-competi-comp’tition.”

Tony physically held back the laugh that rose at Peter’s absolute butchering of competition. “Of course it’s not,” he soothed.

Peter seemed to ignore his own declaration, trying at another clumsy metaphor before Tony could even finish. “I-I love you ‘s high ‘s Spider-Man c’n climb, Mis’er Stark. ‘S... ‘S really high, y’know.”

Peter’s head slipped forward a little as he spoke, so Tony gently repositioned him so it was resting on his collarbone and brushed the bangs out of the kid’s face. “The suit can go to space, kiddo. Got you there again.”

If he was being honest, he’d expected the kid to have lost his train of thought long before now, but he was determined, it seemed. “I love you to... to...” He blinked slowly. “Love you to... Antarctica. ‘N the North Pole.”

“The South Pole’s in Antarctica, kid.” The whole conversation was ridiculous, and it was making him feel gushy and gross, but in a way that was actually kind of nice. “Santa’s on the other side of the world.”

“‘S... ‘S not.”

He smirked at the kid’s drowsy stubbornness. “Australia’s farther than Antarctica. So I win once again.”

Peter twisted himself so he could slide further down Tony’s chest and gaze up at his face. He rushed to support him.

The kid shot him a dopey grin. “‘M gonna win. I got one.”

Tony ran a finger over his temple, right along the hairline. “Oh?”

“Mhm.” Peter’s eyes closed, then opened. His stubborn determination to finish their little game seemed to be just about the only thing keeping him conscious. “I love you t’ the Kuiper Belt ‘n back.”

If this went on for any longer, Tony was going to end up crying.

“Well,” he swallowed back a wave of emotion, “that is a really long way, huh?”

“Mhm. I win. D’... D’d I win?”

Tony dropped his voice to a whisper, smiled softly. Screw his reputation. It’s not like anyone could see this, anyway. “Yeah, buddy. You won.”

Peter seemed contented by the words, and Tony waited for the kid to relax against him before dropping his forehead against the crown of his head and letting the final layers of his armor shed, leaving him exposed and vulnerable and frighteningly adoring.

“You know, kiddo,” he breathed slowly, fully aware that this was the cheesiest thing he’d ever done and not caring in the slightest, “I love you to the edge of the universe and back. And just for reference, there is no end of the universe.” He shifted his precious bundle closer to his chest. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anybody.”

Peter stretched, fingers tangling in the hem of his shirt and voice barely audible. “Mm. M’kay. You win.”

He’d expected to be more horrified that the kid had heard him. Instead, he felt a deep sense of satisfaction, like he’d just fulfilled an innate need without even recognizing it. 

“You know,” he whispered, “I hope you remember this.”

“‘Course I will,” Peter mumbled back, “‘M... ‘M Spider-Man. Spider-Man ‘members important stuff.”

He chuckled. “Yeah? Well, good. ‘Cause this is very important.”

And so are you, he thought, smiling like the world was in his arms.

(And, in a way, it was.)

#y'll this one is so cheesy that I puked a little in my mouth #it is also incredibly self indulgent #will I apologize? no #enjoy drugged Peter #tw: sedation #tw: wisdom teeth #are wisdom teeth triggers? #i don't know i'm just covering all my bases #fluff #irondad #irondadbingo #tony & peter #tony stark #peter parker #losingmymindtonight writes

[sugawara-sweetheart]

oh its okay! i don't think it was important HAHA yes they damage the back of your teeth! i'm not sure how bad but i think i might just have to do it anyways 😳 they're supposed to be pretty painless but i've heard the healing sucks! short hair is very cute on most people!! AHH YOU SHOULD DYE YOUR BANGS! what color? i think i would get short hair again if i found a specific thing i like! YES YES I STAY AWAY FROM ADULTS UNLESS I KNOW THEY HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS!!! omg i forgot about this one-🧸 1/3

dude hes 19 HE WAS SO GROSS I'M NOT GONNA GO ALL IN DETAIL BC ITS INTENSE BUT LIKE AS SOON AS I TURNED 16 HE TOOK HIS CHANCE his account got deleted & he finally left me alone but one of the things he would try to do was get me to send nudes to him like every day?? he would NOT leave me alone like bruh 😐 really,,. HES GONE NOW THOUGH but that really taught me alot! yes i always trust my gut and its always right! -🧸 2/3 i think you have to be good friends to be mean to each other as well, otherwise it just doesn't feel right! but its nice when they know how to do it! my nice teachers always did at least one big thing for me so i think thats why i remember them as well! WHAT MELON IS SO GOOD!! i respect your opinion though </3 i see videos of him on my fyp alot for some reason but yes he always seems super sweet so i don't have a problem with it! -🧸 3/3

omg nooo wait i don’t want my teeth to get ruined with a piercing I SPENT ALMOST 2 YEARS OF HELL WITH BRACES FOR GOOD TEETH- sgajgss okay bit random but teeth talk reminds me of the beautiful dentist that removed my wisdom tooth and he was like idk probs in his thirties- maybe older? but he literally BABIED ME and i felt so special🥰thinking of you sir❤️ BUT ANYways sometimes you gotta take the risk👀or maybe you could have a tongue piercing for a little while and if it starts to damage your teeth you could remove it? idk if it works like that ahahaha but yess one of my friends would always say ‘apparently if you get an infection you can taste it’ whenever i’d mention a tongue piercing which is gross🤢

I DID DYE MY BANGS!!! i dyed them blonde but it came out a bit yellow-ish? so i’ll just keep using purple shampoo BUT IM SUPER PLEASED WITH THEM!! i do like them and sometimes i do a middle part and pin my bangs and it looks like that tiktok e-girl style! pinterest always have beautiful hair ideas so you could check them out!!

AGSHSG IF AN ADULT HAS GOOD INTENTIONS THEY WILL STAY AWAY FROM YOU BC YOURE A MINOR💀omfg drop me his address rn and i will pull up on that disgusting dirty ass bitch rn🔪😡🔪he sounds vile and deserves jail, that’s disgusting and i’m so sorry you went through that. i’m relieved you’re safe now but that’s awful🥺but yes always trust your gut instincts even when you’re out in public and men try to approach you, don’t feel like you must speak to them or be polite if your instinct is telling you no. trust it for all situations cause you’d rather be safe than sorry. that’s a book people on reddit always talk about called The Gift of Fear and apparently it‘s why you need to trust your instincts (i really need to read it)

definitely, you’ve got to have a special level of friendship to be able to be mean but also being mean about the things you’re allowed to be mean about? one of my friends is allowed to literally degrade me (well maybe not anymore we don’t speak much😗) but one of my other friends was like 😗😕you’re like just a crackhead and i was like ...umm tf? so yeah it defo depends on the level of friendship and what topics you’re allowed to be mean about or else you’re just bullying🙃

your teachers sound amazing and i’m so happy you were blessed with good teachers!! but also you must’ve been an amazing student to be treated well so well done🥰

WGSJGSS PLS DONT TRUST MY OPINION I HAVE LIKE 1 BRAINCELL AND SHES VERY FAULT AND ONLY THINKS OF MR SUGAWARA💀but hm idk watermelon 🍉 is okay from time to time but actually yellow melon is 🤢nah but if you like it I WILL PREPARE A MELON FEAST FOR YOU!!!!

aw i found him via tiktok too but it was cause i was loving that trend of girls making a chain of all the crazy things to do to a guy with the audio being his song ahahaha

anyway a tiktok for you Mx 🧸anon bc we all deserve to appreciate mr sugawara🥰 (also i apologise for responding to this very late i’m very bad with messages these days bc i get so overwhelmed sorry🥺)

#interacting #anon #🧸anon

[echodrops]

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

For the past thirteen years, I’ve spent every New Year’s Eve compiling a list of fifty promises I intend to keep or fulfill over the next twelve months. The results have been truly amazing, and I have kept some promises I never thought I could. 2019 was… a nightmare that I can barely believe I survived, but I still kept some promises that I honestly did not expect I ever could.

This year, for New Year’s, there will be a new set of promises for to me keep, but here are the old ones, for review!

The Promises I Made (2019 Edition)

1) Be more proactive about tracking and following up with struggling students to decrease the number of students who drop from my class when they realize they cannot pass. Status: Somewhat broken? I tried really hard to be proactive with my students; however, there were some massive issues outside the classroom this year that made it extremely difficult to keep the focus on the students. When administration drags your attention away from the class, there is not a lot you can do…

2) Find a place to put in volunteer hours because uhhhh like this is actually important to my work evaluation and I definitely need something to write in that section… Yikes, this spring is my last chance to do this!! @_@ Status: Kept. I volunteered with the Utah Shakespeare Festival and it was super fun!

3) Install the fire escape window in the Utah house, no matter how much it might cost, because I can’t get a totally unrelated tenant in that basement without said window… Status: Somewhat kept. Okay. This one is a LONG story, but to be fair to me, I worked my ASS off to try and make this happen; just every single thing in the world prevented me from completing this promise, up to and including the city telling me I needed a permit AFTER I had already dug a massive hole in the ground for the window…

4) Buy sod to add grass to the front portion of the lawn so that it no longer looks like garbage. Status: Broken, but I did buy grass seed and put that out there. Unfortunately only some of it sprouted, but there is indeed SOME grass now growing there…

5) Fix the bricks near the windowsills on the Utah house to prevent long-term damage. Status: Broken. After dealing with the stupid window disaster, I had no time for this at all.

6) Get a watering system for my roses at the Utah house because I think my bro is probably killing them and that’s just not cool. Status: Broken, see above.

7) Work on the patio at the Utah house before it just flat out falls down. Status: Somewhat broken. Again, I tried to make progress on this—I called a patio guy to come out and assess how much it would cost to fix the patio—but the price I was quoted was so high that there was nothing I could do at the time.

8) Paint the stairwell so that there’s no chance of anything like lead paint or asbestos being exposed. Status: Broken. The leftover wallpaper glue continues to confound me…

9) Trim the backyard bushes so the neighbors don’t hate us anymore… Status: Broken. We trimmed a few bushes and at least got to the trees out front, but definitely a majority were left uncared for.

10) Move into a new house in Texas where I can get real internet, please for the love of god… Status: Kept. I moved into a very nice house with no scorpions!

11) Save money for my upcoming trip to Japan! 2020 baby! Status: Uhhh, broken. I’m not sure how I thought I’d be able to move into a new house AND save money for an international trip at the same time…

12) Get my wisdom tooth removed because it’s still there and still killing me, yikessss. Status: Broken. AUGH. I’m an idiot.

13) Make an appointment with an eye doctor for like the first time in years. Good job, Yehn, good job. Status: Kept. I got my glasses fixed and even got a new pair of glasses too!

14) Get my prescriptions refilled because I’m dwindling on asthma medicine and like… I could die from this… I should never have been left to care for myself; I’m not mature enough for this responsibility… Status: Kept, surprisingly. But I still need a new doctor because the last one I was going to wouldn’t give me any refills…

15) FINISH THE GIVEAWAY PRIZES I PROMISED LAST YEAR because holy shit I am incompetent and the worst and everyone has permission to hate me for starting things and never finishing them, fuck. Status: Broken. So broken. I am the worst.

16) Go dolphin watching in the Gulf for real this time. Seriously, it’s $10 Yehn, you can do this. Status: Kept, amazingly. It wasn’t as impressed as hoped; however, there was a lovely sunset.

17) Return to the Channel Islands to take better pictures. D; Status: Broken. T_T

18) Level all my classes to 70 in FFXIV before next expansion, please. Status: Somewhat broken. I didn’t have everything to 70 before the expansion, but I kind of feel like I should get credit for this one, because HEY, look at me now:

19) Organize and properly label all the photos on my computer so that I’m no longer desperately combing through folder and folder in blank confusion, looking for a single picture in a sea of thousands… Status: Kept. It took me like eight hours of work, but I actually did this.

20) Update Home and a Half more than once? PLEASE??? The guilt I feel over this currently is crushing. Status: Broken. And the guilt grows…

21) Complete the online American Literature class I am designing on time and with no corrections needed. Status: Kept. I’m counting this as kept even though TECHNICALLY there was one thing I forgot to finish and it came back and bit me in the ass; however, I was approved with no corrections needed.

22) Earn 100% completion for Kingdom Hearts III. So excited! Status: Broken. Um… This just didn’t happen.

23) Update my calendar with important dates—holidays, birthdays, etc.—and be productive about sending cards and well-wishes. Status: Somewhat kept. I wasn’t any better about sending cards really, but I did at least save all the birthdays in my phone so I remember them.

24) Get the garbage disposal in the Texas house fixed ASAP so I don’t have to wash the dishes by hand anymore because I absolutely hate that particular chore. Status: Kept. Then I moved, so it didn’t even matter.

25) Finish all the books my coworkers and friends bought for me recently so I can thank them for their recommendations! Status: Broken. So broken.

26) Actually move into my new place instead of leaving it completely undecorated and lifeless. Status: Remarkably, kept. Nothing has plastic on it, unlike at my old house where the nightstand didn’t get unwrapped even after two years of living there lol.

27) Try hard to get Creative Writing into a different area of the general ed. core so that more people will enroll in it. Status: Kept. I’m counting this because I did my darn best, but we are still waiting on the state to tell us whether or not the class will be accepted.

28) Get caught up on my Ebird reports, even the old, old, old ones I never put in because I was slacking. Status: Kept, actually. Whoo.

29) Throw away/return/sort all the stacks of old mail in the house (OMGGGG they’ve made me look like paper hoarder and I’m nootttt). Status: Broken. There’s just… a lot of papers to go through…

30) Clean up the garage before moving so that I don’t have to fight spiders to move when the time comes. Status: Broken, in that I did not clean up the garage in advance and did, in fact, have to fight spiders when it came time to move.

31) Find a way to boost grading productivity so that each class takes only two days to grade, maximum. Status: Somewhat kept. I was definitely better this year than last year; however, I really think the “two days per class” thing was too optimistic, so for the future semester, I allotted myself three days per class and I think it will work better.

32) Go to a totally new restaurant and try their food. Status: Kept. We went to a Mexican restaurant and I had trompo tacos (al pastor) which is probably not anything special to anyone else but it was my first time so lol.

33) Cancel old credit cards to make sure my credit is good before trying to buy a house (although I just checked my credit score and I’m in the great range already, so this is mostly for posterity’s sake). Status: Broken. But it didn’t affect my loan, so I guess it was okay. And it ended up being good I didn’t cancel my Best Buy card because I was able to get good financing on the new appliances I needed for my house.

34) Get official contracts from my tenants so I can use my rental income in my next loan calculation. Status: Broken, but I ended up not using that as part of the loan calculation anyway >_> so…

35) Talk to an HR rep about my retirement savings so that I can consolidate all my retirement accounts into one. (Man, look at all these ADULTING promises.) Status: Broken. Look at me failing all these adulting promises.

36) Really finish decorating my office so it looks super cute and all my students want to visit me. Status: Broken, but I think it sucks that I have to write this because it was really not my fault I couldn’t finish decorating my office. Our offices were all moved and disrupted by building remodels so I spent the entire year basically working out of a couple cardboard boxes.

37) Not sign up for ANY more new responsibilities at work in the spring semester. This is the biggest challenge. D; Status: Kept, by technicality. I was able to avoid signing up for anything new in SPRING… But fall… was a whole other story. XD

38) Migrate all the rest of my books to the new Texas house instead of leaving them in Utah… SOMEHOW. Status: Kept. I’m going to count this as kept. The only books left at the Utah house are my manga—I managed to bring literally every other book, which is very impressive considering I had only my small Camaro with its tiny truck space.

39) Use my twitter account more often to make it worth following. I will try!! Status: Kept… sorta? I mean, since I didn’t use the account AT ALL before, making even one Twitter post kind of counts as using it more, right? >_>

40) Keep my hair cut nicely so I look less like a mess (than I really am). Status: Somewhat broken. Although I think I got my hair cut more often this year than before, I don’t think I looked any less like a mess. XD

41) Successfully find a bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding that matches the rest of the wedding party. Status: Actually kept! It was incredible. The wedding I was in was even featured in a magazine because of how pretty it was!

42) Make sure my skin is in good condition for the wedding so I don’t look like a disturbing ghost… Status: Kept? I mean, in the end, looking like a ghost ended up being the whole point since it was a Halloween themed wedding so I kind of won either way.

43) Complete my BNHA manga collection. Since my bro bought me a bunch of the volumes for Christmas, I might as well. Status: Broken… I bought like… one volume. XD

44) See a groove-billed ani. (It’s another type of bird.) Status: Broken. Very illusive bird. T_T

45) Respond to messages, asks, and comments more quickly. I promise I’m not ignoring people… D; Status: Um, broken. I left many people on read this year, sorry.

46) Lose ten pounds so that I feel more fit and comfy. Status: Broken. I didn’t exercise at all this year, uff.

47) Pay down credit card debt by at least 1/3. Yikesssss, I really need to do this quick. Status: Broken. It’s hard to pay down a credit card when you pour all your money into buying a new house…

48) I will finally fucking finish that chapter 73 analysis of Noragami… I swear to god… Status: Broken. Uh yeah. This didn’t happen. V_V

49) Reach 1700 followers on Tumblr. You should follow me—I’m only marginally a waste of time and space! Status: Kept. Over 2500 followers now!

50) I will keep these promises. LOLLLLL. Status: Somewhat kept/somewhat broken. One year I really will keep them all…

 Totals Kept promises: 18 Broken promises: 24 Somewhat kept/broken promises: 8

Well, there are more kept promises than last year at least… It was another really hard year, what with moving in the middle of the year, over-working, dealing with so much drama with the reaccreditation on our campus, and just EVERYTHING all at once this last year… I keep thinking things are going to calm down and then they never do. Please 2020… just let me rest…

My new set of promises will be up on the 1st!

#50 promises #new year's resolutions #IRL stuff #please 2020 #I need a break #it's not the roaring 20s #it's the snoring 20s #PLEASE

[pale-silver-comb]

Um, hi? I just get my wisdom tooth plucked and it hurts a lot. Like. A lot. And i just wish if you can make a fluffy sterek with derek pulling stiles pain after the surgery? Only if you have free time and i'm sorry if i bother you. Have a very nice day!!! And thankyou

I hope you don’tmind, I changed the prompt a bit! No wisdom teeth are pulled in the making ofthis fic but a tooth is chipped -  *gasp* - and bby!Derek decideshe’s gotta step up and be Stiles’ personal werewolf superhero. I hope you feel better, sweetheart (and sorry it’s a week late). 

“Der?” Stiles asks, gently tugging onDerek’s hand. He looks…un-char-as-tic-ally…shy and Derek is immediatelyon alert. He nearly wolves out, in his panic, but he stops himself just intime.

“Der, I have an ouchie.”

Stiles sniffs, sitting down and buryinghis face in the pillow Derek has been guarding for the past ten minutes. Stilesnever forgets to bring his pillow to school and he only ever trusts Derek towatch it when he goes to the bathroom or outside to play. Stiles doesn’t eventrust the teacher to watch it for him.  

Putting down his sandwich, Derekfrowns.

He hates when people are sad,especially Stiles. Momma says it’s good to cry when you’re sad - when you cryyou get marshmallows too - but Stiles looks like he’s trying not tocry, which is….counter….counter?…productive….yeah, because Stiles loves marshmallows. Derek knows he doesn’thave to cry if he doesn’t want to, though. One time, Uncle Peter made Derek crywhen he didn’t want to and it wasn’t fun.  

Looking around, he searches forsomething to help. Stiles always asks for comic books when he’s sick - Derek reallyhopes Stiles isn’t sick - but the only thing Derek can find is his juicebox. It’s apple.

He tries to give it to him - puts thestraw in, making sure it’s bendy, like Papa does for him - but Stiles shakeshis head.

“No, thanks,” he mutters.

Derek blinks, looking around again.He thinks about offering up the rest of his sandwich instead but it was made byLaura, which means it sucks, and Stiles doesn’t deserve things thatsuck. Even if he does talk way too fast sometimes and drools on Derek’sfavorite Aladdin blanket at sleepovers. He read a picture book about penguinson Saturday, and it said friendships are about compromise. Derek guesses thatmeans having to watch Aladdin suffer, sometimes. But only for Stiles.   

“What d’ya do?” he asks, deciding he probablyshould have asked that first. He ducks his head, embarrassed.

When he looks back up, Stiles doessomething with his hands, nearly hitting Derek in the face, which Derek thinks is supposed to be ananswer. He nods, because it’s polite, and he likes that Stiles likes that heunderstands all of his weird hand-movements (which isn’t a lie, not really- Derek just needs more practice, like with werewolf training).

Scenting the air, he tries to figureout what happened instead - Momma says he’s getting better at it - but all hecan smell is the cookie Stiles stole from Jackson Whittemore and hid in hismouth for “safe keeping” this morning.  

“See?” Stiles whispers, suddenly, opening hismouth wide and pulling at both sides with his fingers.

At first, Derek isn’t sure what he’slooking at. All he sees is Stiles tongue, which can’t stay still, even for asecond. It’s pretty gross, Derek realises. Mouths are gross. Stiles does have apretty mouth, though. At least, Derek thinks it’s pretty, like ahandsome Prince, maybe? If Stiles didn’t, he would probably be doublygrossed out.

Finally, Derek sees it - a chippedtooth.

Stiles’ lip starts to wobble.

“Does it hurt?” he asks, taking Stiles’hand. That’s another thing he likes about Stiles: he lets Derek hold his hand.Derek knows not everyone likes people holding their hands. Isaac doesn’t likepeople holding his hand, not even Allison Argent, and she’s a Disney princess.

Stiles nods, wiping his nose on Derek’sshoulder. “Uh-huh. Hurts so bad. Like, like…if Batman hurt histooth and it was sore too!”

He wipes his nose on Derek again and Dereksmiles.

“Want me to phone your dad?” Stilesshakes his head. “What about Mrs McCall?” Again, no.

Derek sticks out his tongue, likeStiles does when he needs to think hard. “Okay,” he says, “I have an idea, butyou can’t tell anyone.”

Glancing at the door to make sureno-one is about to come in, Derek presses a finger to Stiles’ mouth andconcentrates really hard. He’s not supposed to take people’s pain away - notuntil he’s much older - but Derek is pretty sure Stiles is a good excuse tobreak the rules. Stiles is always making Derek break the rules, anyway. Like with the cookie this morning. 

Immediately, a tiny black line beginsto run up his arm. It’s kind of sore and Derek squirms a little, but whenit stops Stiles is staring at him like, well, Derek isn’t exactly sure. Helooks happy, at least. That’s good, right?

“Are you magic?” Stiles asks.

Derek thinks about that. “No.”

“Are you a mermaid?”

Derek laughs. Stiles is silly. “No.”

“You’re a mermaid.” Stiles grins. “When I grow up, I think I’m going to marry you. I’ll wear my bestest sneakers.”

Derek thinks about that, too. “I thinkI’m okay with that.” They can have an Aladdin cake and a pool party, after.Derek really likes pool parties. Everyone is always in a good mood and he’ll get to splash Laura. 

Stiles squeezes Derek’s hand and plants a kiss on his cheek. 

“….are you sure you’re not amermaid?” he asks. Derek feels his face go warm. “Wait. No. I got it. Are you a pain sucking vampire??I’ve read about those!!”

Derek narrows his eyes. He’s much coolerthan a vampire but he’s not sure if he’s allowed to tell Stiles that.

“I’m your personal superhero,” hedecides. “I was born to protect you.” He puffs out his chest, like he’s seenSuperman do, and grins. Being born to protect Stiles doesn’t seem like a lie,if he’s being honest. He’s always falling down and running into doors. Hedoes kind of need Derek.

“Cool,” Stiles whispers, prodding oneof Derek’s eyebrows. “I don’t wanna be Lois Lane, though, okay? I want to belike my Daddy when I grow up. He gets to carry a badge.”

“Lois Lane carries a badge, too!” Derekprotests. Lois Lane is his favourite. She’s super smart. Smarter than Superman.And she’s never afraid to ask scary questions. He’s going to write a book about her one day. “She carries a specialbadge that lets her talk to important people. You like talking to people, don’tyou?”

Stiles thinks on this. “Huh.” He prodsDerek’s other eyebrow. “Okay, I’ll be your Lois Lane, then.”

Derek’s stomach does something funny.He touches it, glaring a little, and sighs. He knew he shouldn’t haveaccepted half of Jackson’s cookie. He has a feeling this means Stiles is going to end upgiving him a lot of tummy aches in the future.

Compromise, he thinks, remembering.  

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll make you abadge.”

Stiles’ eyes light up. “Sweet.”

#sterek #eternalsterek #kid!fic #kid!derek #kid!stiles #em writes fic #talk sterek to me #tooth rotting fluff #ha ha #it's a tooth pun #nonnie

[oh-styles]

Something About an Extraction (Revised)

Wow, is this really happening? I’m updating? What? In what world?

Thank you to everyone who has responded, reblogged, liked this fic over the past year; it really means more to me than you know. Thank you for being on this journey with me, and them, and being the best group of people I could ever have. 

I want to say I am not happy with the ending; I feel like I could make it so much better, but I’m just ready for this to be out. 

This isn’t the end of them, but their story is over. I will continue to write them in the future, but as for now, they’ve got where they tried hard to be. Thank you all, I love you, and I hope you enjoy.

9/10 Update: When I posted this, I was very unpleased with the ending, so I revised the entire thing, added over 1000 more words and maybe like 10 more bad jokes, so I hope you like these results better!

It’s a garbled moan from the backseat of his car, and the sound of a light rustling and an exaggerated groan leaving your lips that, with just a glance in his rearview mirror, he spots your body slumped against the window, your mouth left gaped open.

“Gon’ get blood on your hoodie, missy.” He watches intently at the small dribble begin to trickle over your lower lip.

There isn’t much of a response from you, not when your attention is engrossed deeply on the passing cars and the occasional pedestrian dodging quickly through the downpour of rain. Your mind is stuck in a world elsewhere, in a place curled up between reality and fantasy, where the mundane is captivating, and you think you were born in the royal family.

“We’ll be back to your flat soon, okay?” He diverts his attention back to the road, hearing your muffled hum in acknowledgment. “Probably going to need to change your gauze as soon as we get there… Didn’t think you’d bleed this much, pet.”

Harry is met with unsettling silence, the most daunting of sounds when it came to you; the same girl he can never seem to keep quiet for longer than ten minutes, and considering the number of videos he spent his time watching in the waiting room of people waking up from anesthesia, he expected a more outlandish and whimsical girl talking bat crazy in the backseat, but instead he’s met with a nearly silent woman currently hunched over and bleeding onto her pants.

“Babe – the blood, your—”

“Can I suck you off when we get back?”

Harry nearly slams on the breaks and snaps his neck to divert to the backseat, where he sees you wiping off the excess blood onto your hand, smearing a bit across your lips. Despite your cheeks filled with cotton, and your lower mouth still numb from the surgery, he hears perfectly your request, and remains still behind the wheel as he approached your road.

“Was last night not enough for you, darling?”

Last night, though it was mostly spent with you scrolling through copious webpages about nearly everything that could go wrong in a wisdom tooth extraction surgery, you still found yourself tugging down his pants to find some comfort between his legs, a new activity the two of you discovered only recently when you’d find yourself scuttling into his bed in the late evening, or vice versa.

Where you were his or not – though you two found yourself in this rather strange grey area where some things were passed along as suitable behavior, whereas he hasn’t properly fucked you yet – he had no reason to stop you when you insisted you suck him off before bed. Because, if it was being honest, he sleeps soundly after a nice orgasm, and nothing feels better than the feeling of your warm, wet mouth wrapped around his leaking cock.

The first time you sucked him off, it was a week after the party; the same party where you kissed him in the bathroom and left him trailing behind you like a lost puppy. You had staggered through the crowd saying your quick goodbye’s, before taking one step out the front door before promptly vomiting in the bushes.

He couldn’t put the right word down to describe how eager he was if the following morning you’d have any recollection of the events from the night before, but he was taken by surprise when he caught your hauntingly sullen stare from the other side of the room – your body still clad in your clothes from the night before, hair matted hysterically to his pillow – and all he could hear you mutter was, “I kissed you.”

The kiss – so quick, yet to tender; he remembers the way your breath stuttered against his, and how your lips tasted of fireball, and how you stalled for just a second longer than his, before you fell from your tippy toes and proceeded out the door.

He feels his hands clam up, and he studies your expression for any sign of hesitance, or God forbid regret, but the way you reach out for the cuppa he had left for you, alongside two aspirin and a banana, you brush a hair from your eyes and greet him with a warming smile.

“Indeed you did, pet.”

You nod softly, as if a shared kiss between the lot of you was normal, acceptable behavior and one not to be questioned, and you lean down to take a sip of your drink. “Was it before or after I puked?��

The transition from the kiss to your lips tugging at his cock was one that left him winded and blindsided in bed, one hand pulling knots in his hair, and the other in a tight grip in yours. All he can regather was receiving a rushed call as you got off work, having picked up an extra shift at the restaurant, and asking to come over – nothing out of the random.

He’s unsure if there are days where the two of you ever sleep alone at your designated houses, and if there are, it’s because he’s out of the country, though after giving you a spare to his place, he’s nearly positive you’ll find yourself wrapped in a burrito in his sheets while he is away.

He had returned from London that morning, having to cut his trip a day short to return to Los Angeles for an impromptu album meeting, which left him scrambling out of bed once your text had gone through about getting cut early, and, “I know you brought me back a surprise… Don’t tell me… Is it a crumpet?”

To your dismay, a crumpet wasn’t part of your hefty giftbag – though he did promise to steal his mother’s recipe and make you some before your surgery – but he did gift you the ‘I Love London’ sweatshirt and Big Ben snow globe, which you proudly placed on your windowsill next to your cactus.

“Proper little tourist, aren’t you, love?”

You snort, pulling the hoodie over your head and giving Harry a quick twirl. “Hardly. I’m like those kids that wear a Harvard sweatshirt they bought off Amazon.”

“A little phony, you are.”

“Such a hypocrite.”

But as he looks back at you, through the rearview mirror of his Range Rover, he notices the glaring wet of your eyes, and an evident blood smear down your chin, and he nearly slams on his breaks when the light abruptly changes to red.

“Sorry, pet.” He turns back around to face you and is still met by your quivering chin and bloody gauze that’s nearly slipping past your lips. “Christ—as soon as we get you home, I’ll change that out, okay? Get you cleaned up—”

“I told Dr. Breathdick I loved him…” You tuck the gauze back into your cheek, wiping your saliva onto your hoodie – the same hoodie he had gifted you nearly two weeks prior. You sniffled deeply and wiped quickly under your nose, glancing back up at him with large, beady eyes. “I told him he was pretty and… I loved him…and I want his sperm babies.”

“Oh,” He might’ve spoken too soon when you hadn’t displayed such erratic behavior before. “I think you mean Bretherick, love—"

“I cheated on you… I cheated—I…I don’t want his sperm babies, Harry—I told him I wanted them, and I lied, and I cheated on you—I’m so sorry—”

“Hey, calm down, you didn’t cheat on me—”

“I don’t want his sperm babies, and now me and Dr. Brickledock are married and I cannot support two husbands—”

“Hey, hey—you’re okay. Pet, look at me—we aren’t married, you didn’t cheat—Oh God, I’m sorry, please stop crying—”

It was going to be a very long afternoon.

*

It was the night before your surgery that Harry found himself shuffling to your apartment with a bag of McDonald’s French fries and large sweet tea, a request of yours after texting him something about your “final meal”. He had to remind you that you weren’t about to be executed, but it steered you none.

“Who knows if I will make it out alive, Harold! A woman needs fries!”

You later scrolled through multiple forums of those discussing their experiences with a wisdom tooth removal, and with every one that had retold their encounter of an easy recovery, there were two that ended in infection and dry socket and projectile vomiting. Those were the ones that sent you slamming your laptop closed and pulling the duvet over your quivering body.

“What if they forget to put me under anesthetics?” Harry stood next to you as he peered down at the lump under the covers, snapping a quick photo to send to his mother.

“I promise they won’t, pet—”

“What if I wake up in the middle of the surgery and I can feel all the pain but can’t move? They made a movie about that, you know—”

“Was that movie even medically accurate?”

“What if I don’t wake up from the anesthetics? That’s why they said I couldn’t wear nail polish – if I’m not breathing, my nails turn blue—”

“Did you even read the pamphlet I gave you?” Harry side-eyes the paper left on your bedside table, untouched for the past few days. “It’s a safe procedure that millions of people—maybe billions, I’m not sure—billions of people have gotten—”

He’s taken aback when you hastily throw the covers from your body, surging up to reach out to the man beside you.

“Lay with me, please.”

It’s an innocent request, and Harry doesn’t bat an eye before he climbs over your limbs – nearly taking a knee to the groin – before he settles himself beside you just long enough for you to swing your legs over his, your fingers finding his belt buckle like tiny magnets.

And that’s how it normally went.

Now, he lays contently beneath you, watching with darting eyes as you adjust your body over his cock, your hand reaching beneath his pants to hastily shimmy them down passed his hips. You don’t say much – you never have; you have a way with him, and he gladly enjoys sitting back and watch you take control that sends him into a spiraling ascent to bliss.

He knows you had a lot on your mind, like the surgery you were going under in some odd hours, and the paper that was due the following day, and there was always something about having his cock in your mouth that put your mind at ease just for a little while, and if everyone was comfortable with it, he had no complaints.

He helps you pull the rest of his pants down, and watches as his cock springs up from his underwear, falling on the base of his stomach, cum already leaking gracelessly from the tip. Each time he finds himself in this position – literally, sometimes figurately – he wants – begs – himself to at least ask if you would want to have sex. He still had condoms left, hidden in the back of his bedside drawer at his home, and the last time you were aware, your roommate had some stashed in her dresser. He doesn’t want to push your buttons though; he’s happy if all you want to give him is a nice blowie for now, but an animalistic urge pulses through his veins, wanting more than anything to sink himself as deep as he can inside you.

As he looks back up at you, sitting politely between his legs, you meet his hazed glance with a warm smile.

“Sorry… Just sometimes can’t get over how big you are.”

You really were too much sometimes.

A part of him – the same part that is too scared to bring up sex – wants to see if you would be willing to get off on his thigh, or his covered cock. He’s unsure how aroused you get by getting him off, but the wouldn’t be against the idea of helping you just as you have been with him.

Your tongue dances around his tip, licking up the pebbles of cum that bead from the head, just the way you’ve learned he likes it, and you slowly start to sink down, feeling his body quiver under your warm touch as soft whimpers begin to escape through his bitten ruby lips. He’s never too sure where to put his hands; sometimes he keeps them by his side, tightly gripping the sheets until his knuckles are white, and other times he pulls and tugs at his hair while the other gently caresses your arm.

You might admit one day, but you like it when he knows that slight bit of affection when your mouth is filled with his cock, especially when he spits out doting admiration such as, “Such a pretty little thing, aren’t you?”; “Doing so well, gorgeous,” and, “Going to make me cum, pet… Fuck, I’m—“, and you never have a moment to register before he’s spurting thick sheets down your throat, his hips arching and cock twitching, trying to push the orgasm as much as he could.

Over time you’ve learned small things that get a quick reaction out of him, like sucking deeply at his tip, your tongue flicking and massaging and licking the beads of cum that dribble down his head, and massaging his balls, just as he taught you. You’ve caught yourself plenty of times peeking an eye open to watch his head knocked back, and mouth parted in a deep, satisfied moan. You’ve even tested waters, trailing your lips down to suck lightly, letting your tongue flicker over the sensitive skin, humming in satisfaction as Harry let’s out a muffled “Fuck!” into his sleeve.

You’ve also learned that he unknowingly gives away subtle hints for when he starts getting close, whether it’s his moans increasing in intensity, his legs squirming and thrashing around the sheets, the way he starts being a little more demanding in his requests, asking to suck harder, go deeper, and even acting a little brave and clutching your hair, just so he has something to hold onto when his clenched knot releases, and he falls back onto the bed, slipping profanities and groans of your name, and his thick release coats your tongue, and down passed your chin.

You never would have expected how clingy he would be after an orgasm, but you’ve gotten used to him reaching out and pulling you on top of him, holding to you close as he regains his breath. With your ear splayed on his chest, you listen to his breathing eradicate, and how his heart is slamming like fists against his ribs, and often times when he would remain conscious afterwards, whispering in your ear how good you  made him feel, how no one has ever made him cum that hard – and that quick, shamelessly – when his schedule has been sporadic and chaotic, it’s normal for him to fall into a deep sleep, you still stuck underneath his grip.

*

The next morning, after being put under strict rules the day before to not eat anything 8 hours prior to surgery, you were sent into a mild panic when you realized you ingested Harry’s semen like a soft drink only six hours before.

“Does cum count?! Should I tell them?!”

No Google searches would give you an answer.

Harry pulls on a dark hoodie and beanie, watching from your living room as you paced anxiously around the kitchen, your phone shoved so far into your face he’s moments away from calling a Optometrist appointment.

“Okay, it says here…okay big words. It says, when you’re put under anesthetics, your body’s reflexes are temporarily stopped, and if my stomach has food in it, there’s a risk of vomiting or re..gurgitation… Harry, what’s ‘regurgitation’?”

“So, worst case scenario pet, you will vomit my semen during surgery. Are you ready to go?”

No, you weren’t. He nearly had to drag you out of the house like a child refusing to go to school. For the remainder of the drive you stayed silent, ignoring Harry’s attempts at failed comic relief, joking about all the dumb shit you would be saying once you came to after surgery, and how he is going to tape it all and send it to Niall, and his family.

“Don’t say anything about the semen in your stomach, love.” He whispers in your direction, knocking his arm lightly against yours. “It’d be funny if you did, but please don’t.”

After what felt close to an eternity waiting in the waiting room, a nurse peeks her head out of the door and calls your name. You hand over your hoodie to Harry and hesitantly lean in, his arms pulling you tightly to his chest.

“I’ll be there when you wake up, darling.” His voice felt comforting and warm, and you held onto it as you walked back with the nurse down the hall and into an unsettling dim lit room. You were greeted with a warm smile and put in a chair; you weren’t seated for no longer than three minutes before you felt a poke at the crease of your forearm, and you were instantly pulled under.

*

He never intended on being your caregiver for the duration of your recovery, hoping highly your roommate would plan her trip home for any other week, but there’s only so much you can do what all other flights are booked.

If he wasn’t in the studio, he was hand-feeding you pudding and mashed potatoes, hoping your stomach would settle enough to accept the food so you could take your pain killers, but with the limited food you could eat – on top of the powerful narcotics – it was no surprise to him when you barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit the few things you had in your system.

You had mentioned it to him before about your bottom two teeth being impacted and laying close to a nerve, and the odds of the nerve being fiddled with during surgery were high, which left you with a throbbing, agonizing pain that ran up your ears, and a dwindling appetite.

You needed to eat to take medicine, but the medicine made you nauseous, so you didn’t want to eat, which caused you to run to the bathroom at least once a day. You had decided to forgo the pain meds, saying you will “handle it like the men do”, but that only resulted in you sobbing into your pillow, begging for anything to take the pain away.

“This is what the surgeon meant by mild discomfort, hm?” He brushed your hair back as you rested in his lap, sipping on a protein smoothie he had made. “Wasn’t joking about hitting those impacted nerves. Only would happen to you pet.”

It was a long week nevertheless, and it was another before the throbbing finally subsided, and you were finally back on your feet by the time Harry was packing his bags for Jamaica.

“It’s only two months,” he grins from the foot of his bed, stuffing his suitcase with shorts. “Won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“Two months, Harold. Months. 60 days. What am I supposed to do in those 60 days, huh? Work? School?”

“I’d hope so, pet.” He peeks up to see you lying face down in his bed, ass sticking straight up like a toddler. “I’ll bring you some souvenirs. How about an I Love Jamaica hoodie that’ll go well with your blood-stained London one?”

He hears a mumble coming from his sheets, and he can already picture the deep pout that’s settling on your face.

“What’d you say?”

“I said, you’ll probably find some cute Jamaican girl to suck you off while you’re away.”

It takes everything in him to not snort at your remark. If that’s what has you so worked up, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do with you.

“And what’s wrong with the pretty little American I have right now?” He goes back and forth between his closet and bag, watching as you peek from your peripheral with your eyebrows knotted tightly. “Going to be too busy working to even consider finding someone else, and if I’m being honest, pet… Nobody’s lips can compare to yours.”

He’d be the dumbest piece of shit if he ever even considered finding someone else while he was away, and he knows it.

“Harry, you’re going to miss my birthday.”

That’s when he stops, because…she’s right. September 30th. He’ll be bunkered down in a studio while she drowns in text books and waitress tips.

“Shit, I—”

“The big 2-1—”

“I didn’t forget, don’t think I forgot—I just, there’s been a lot of deadlines and things keep slipping—”

“We’ll just have to celebrate extra hard when you get back, right?” She attempts a smile, but he can see the hurt lingering. “The roomy will be here anyway, so we’ll go out and get a few drinks or something.”

Harry doesn’t know where it comes from – some stored up courageous boost that simmers before igniting – and he jerks his head up to see you settled on your back, looking up at him perturbed in question at his expression, but he’s finally hit his breaking point. He has psyched himself up God knows how many fucking times, spinning between taking the shot or spending another night alone in question on why he hasn’t mucked up the sodding courage, so he can stop saying “what if”.

This isn’t how he wanted to do this, but judging by the somber look in your eye, and the way you fiddle with the strings of his Randy’s Donuts hoodie, he finally, after months, just lets it all free.

“After these two grueling months, if you haven’t found some other bloke, I want to take you out.”

Finally, he can breathe again.

“Take me out where?--”

“On a date, you doorknob.” He chuckles, flinging his suitcase closed and crawling over to you. “Been wanting that shitty date you were telling me about?”

He hasn’t seen you look at him this way before, and it both soothes and unsettles him. You reach out and take a hold of his hand, your fingers twisting his ruby ring in circles, and he watches you intrigued, but your silence fed him doubt that maybe this was all something you didn’t want, that maybe a blowie every few days was the path you felt safe, and anything passed that was skipping through boundary that you were keeping hidden and locked, out of sight and out of mind.

“This is probably the nicest way anyone has asked me out before,” you giggle, pulling off his ring and slipping it onto your thumb. Still too big. “I’d like that, yeah.”

He feels his heart begin to beat again and lets out a breath before twisting his hand back and taking a hold of yours.

“Yeah?”

“Been kind of waiting but…didn’t want to seem eager.”

Of course not.

*

He couldn’t keep you away the night before his early flight, but you were stubborn when it came to getting your way, but Harry had to admit that you had a pretty compelling way about yourself, and with every passing day, you grew harder and harder to say no to.

Although, he truly couldn’t think of a better way to spend his last night in LA with someone other than you.

Once it neared midnight, the two of you found each other back in his room, and you watched as he doubtfully went through his bags once more because, “Watch me, I’m going to land and text you that I forgot my toothbrush.”

“You can always share with Mitch,” you joke from his side of the bed. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“Y’think so, pet? I can always knick yours—”

“No! This isn’t about me, don’t bring me into this!”

He eventually discarded his bag and crawled up beside you in bed, dramatically pushing you to your designated side with a sigh of, “Can’t wait for a whole two months without a bed hog.”

“You say that but by night three you’re going not be calling me telling me you miss me.”

“By night three I’ll probably have found myself cuddled up in bed with Mitch.”

You began to retort, but you knew nothing in the world could stand in the way of his love for Mitchell Rowland.

*

“Harry…are you awake?”

You poke the lump beside you, a gentle tap nonetheless, but you feel his body squirm and slowly turn to fall over on his back.

“The real question, pet, is why aren’t you being the big spoon like you promised?” He expels a sigh and dramatically swings his head around to find you through the dark, sitting up on your elbow. “How long have you been watching me? Have you been watching Twilight again?”

“No, the movies are shit compared to the books and you know that.”

You sidle up next to him, resting your head on his shoulder and feeling him pull his arm around yours, holding you closer his warmth. His breathing was even, and he gently rubbed up and down your arm with his fingers and kissed the side of your head.

“You ready to sleep now—”

“Harry,” it was nothing above a whisper, but it punched through the darkness and wrapped itself around his mouth and kissed him quietly. He laid there with you, feeling your hand trickle down passed his stomach and hang over the waistband of his underwear, before you let a finger tickle the dark hairs on his hips, and hesitantly slip inside. You felt his breath hitch, but he didn’t move to stop you. “You’re going to be gone for a while,” and the aching desire pulled at his heart, and just by the simple mutter of his name, the two of you shared the same alike thought that skimmed your fingertips over his softened length “If it’s okay with you.”

He’s astonished you would even think you would need his permission.

“We don’t have to do anything, pet. I’m fine right here.” And he is; he isn’t here to rush things. Hell, it took him close to two months to ask you out on a date. The last thing he knows to do with you is rush things.

“I brought condoms.”

It takes everything in him not to dart up and go running and rummaging through your overnight bag.

“I want to…before you leave. Won’t see you and…”

“Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean we have to—”

“I want to, my goodness you’re stubborn sometimes—calling me stubborn, jeez.” He cracks a smirk at your minor outbreak. That’s his girl. “I’ve seen your…I think I got the right condoms. I swear I stood in that aisle for twenty minutes contemplating every brand but… My hand is still down your pants, I’m sorry.”

“So talkative tonight, aren’t you, love?” The thudding in his chest shakes his breath, and he watches you intently through the dark for any sign of hesitance. “I want to if you want to, but I don’t need to.”

But boy does he want to.

“I want to, yeah.”

He’s imagined this moment far too many times, more times than he’s proud of, thinking out each detail and every touch and every sound and how from the beginning to the end would be so incredibly perfect, but now that he’s here with you, bare, beneath him, he realizes nothing could be more perfect than it is now. Any fantasy he’s manipulated in his fucked out mind can’t compare to actually holding on to you, and brushing his lips gently over yours, before the two of you finally give in and lock together.

Ever way he imagined you to taste, it was somehow better, and more.

He’s tender, and he doesn’t let his hold of you loosen. One hand rests behind your neck while the other holds your cheek, deepening his kiss as he feels you squirm beneath him. You press your hips up to meet his, begging for some relief between your legs.

“We can stop, if you’re unsure—”

“I’m okay, please I’m okay.” You bring your hand up to caress his forearm. “I want this, please.”

It’s in this moment, you reach up and clasp your hand around his neck, pulling him back down to seal his lips with yours, your hips impatiently rutting against his. And it’s with one more kiss, you feel his tip grace your entrance, and with a small thrust forward he begins to stretch you open, his lips never leaving yours. It burns, not like any burn from any previous male in your life, though you can say confidently most guys previously weren’t as well endowed as the man before you. He’s slow and gradual with his movements, learning you and all the ways he can make you quiver and gasp and cling onto him until you feel your body finally give in and let everything out in a wave of bliss, just like all the times you’ve done with him.

“You okay, love?—Christ, you feel good.” He loses himself for a moment, lost in the euphoria of your warmth. You’re tight, and fuck does it send him straight to heaven. He holds tight to your hips as he ruts harder into you, his head falling back as a deepened moan fell from his lips. “Shit, babe…You feel so good.”

Out of all the hands of men you have fallen into you, there was something about Harry that felt like a safe home. His words cascaded a dome of protection, and you knew in that moment when he thrusted once more into you, falling lightly and stifling his moans into your neck, that not an inch of his soul could do you any harm. You held him against your chest, your fingers wrapping tightly in his hair, and you threw your leg over his backside and held him as tight as you could as he pushed himself as far as he could into you, because not even chest to chest was close enough – and you wonder now how long he had been waiting for this.

“I-I’m close, baby—I’m close.” His voice is rough, and he wants so much to hold out, but he’s at the point of no return. “H-how many condoms were in the box?”

“Three—I think it came with thr—”

“You want to go again?” He’s choking on air, his lip falling between his teeth and before you have a chance to answer, his nails dig crescent moons into your hips, and his thrusts stall as his mouth falls open and he heaves one last groan before falling forward and filling the condom. “Fuck…Shit, fuck…I’m sorry…Go again?”

And he has the nerve to call you eager.

“Get me off first and I’ll take you up on the offer.” You lightly chuckle, untangling your legs from his. “You feel good, too, by the way. I like it.”

He huffs, kissing your shoulder. “It’s gonna be a long two months.”

He was right, but at least you had him for now.

#i can't tell if my eyes are watering because i'm tired or happy #saaf series #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #one direction #one direction imagine #one direction fluff #one direction smut #9/10 update

[kingofthewilderwest]

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. I was tagged by @dyannehs​

LAST:

1. Drink: Water 2. Phone call: Myself. Because I lost my cell phone. Outside of that, my mom! 3. Text message: One of my awesomeful friends of awesomeness who I’ve nicknamed Hux (she’s the Hux to my Kylo!) 4. Song you listen to: A nerdy composition project I’m working on. *grins* It’s a secret ’cause I’m gonna share online when I’m done! 5. Time you cried: Actual-actual cry? Don’t remember. Tears in the eyes? Maybe like two days ago? Yay for being broke.

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Yes, I have dated the same person twice, and both experiences were quite wonderful indeed! And I’d probably date her a third time if life came around to it - both times we broke up came from us being too timid to do basic communication about relationship goals. We’re still really good friends rn - honestly either as friends or as dates, I’m happy either way! 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes 8. Been cheated on: Not in the sex way, but my first relationship ended because my current gf was hitting blatantly on someone in front of my face, and while we were talking about maybe doing a poly thing, this hitting-on-someone-else was in the venue of putting aside and ignoring me, and that wasn’t okay.  9. Lost someone special: Yes. 10. Been depressed: Oh shit I forgot my depression meds again... *runs to take them* Umm. Yes. The answer’s yes. High-functioning depression, here I am, prime example. Yayyyy [sarcasm] 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: I don’t drink alcohol so nope.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 

12. Silver 13. Chocolate brown 14. Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: Aye! 16. Fallen out of love: Not really? I mean I don’t know how to explain it. 17. Laughed until you cried: Thanks to Lance and Kaltenecker, yes. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: I guess my coworkers thought I was quitting instead of just reducing my hours, so I had to fix that rumor chain straight. 20. Found out who your friends are: I think that’s always an ongoing thing in life. This year, I’d say that I’ve had reaffirmations that the people I care about care about me, so that’s really awesome. It’s wonderful to know that people are thinking of me. And I’m thinking of you, friends! 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yep!

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: About 99% of them. It’s very rare for me to add an internet friend to my FB contacts. 23. Do you have any pets: No. My apartment only allows cats and dogs, and I want guinea pigs again. ;_; 24. Do you want to change your name: I’m proud of my name and have used it as a source of inspiration (it means “pure”). That said, in the last few years, I feel increasingly distanced from my name and honestly think of myself far more as being named “Haddock.” Haddock is my name, my birth name is second. Still a good name, but I’m a Haddock. 25. What did you do for your last birthday: On the day itself: relaxed, bought myself froyo, Skyped family, chilled, was awesome. The general-ish week of my birthday: had a dinner with family, stayed up and binged all of VLD S4 the night it came out, hung out with a friend and also binged VLD. Basically, a lot of VLD. 26. What time do you wake up: The number fluctuates quite wildly day-per-day because “sleep schedule” is a myth. Today, I got up at 11 AM. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Answering asks on tumblr and PMing/texting a few good friends. 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Having enough money to live comfortably and not stress every time rent week comes around. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: A few days ago, Friday. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Oh where do I fucking start... Well. The biggest thing is I’d do is go back in time and prevent a terrifyingly bad argument/falling out with my ex/ex best friend that happened in 2011-2012, not because I want to still be friends with this person (I don’t anymore), but because the experience was very... traumatic... to both of us and I’d love us not to live with those mental scars. I’m still getting over those scars and it sucks. 31. What are you listening to right now: The composition I’m working on. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah. Don’t know anyone well named Tom, though. One of my coworkers is a Tommy if that counts? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: There’s one wonderful friend of mine who’s going through a really challenging time. I want to help them so badly, but they’ve been closed off and hermitting themselves to the point I think it’s harmful for them, it’s hard to contact them to help them, and they live too far away for me to check on them in person easily. I want to do anything to see them in person to help, or to talk to them, or anything... sitting in silence makes me very worried because this wonderful human soul deserves all the love and support they can get for what they’re going through. 34. Most visited website: Tumblr, Facebook, Netflix, Google. 35. Mole/s: I have two bumps on my forehead, one to either side. I jokingly call them horns, but they’re not evenly lined up, and the one on my left is much larger than the one on my right. 36. Mark/s: Bellybutton scar from a second degree burning incident, lots of scars on my hands right now from falling on concrete two months back, lots of scars on my wrists from a whole bunch of whatnot (I even have one from my sophomore year of high school when a school binder scraped me?), oh. And I have basically leopard-speckled shoulders from countless acne/pimple scars. For unnatural marks... three tats! Plans to get at least two more. 37. Childhood dream: To be a published, bestselling author or a college prof. 38. Hair color: Currently dark brown with bleached bangs and a strip on the right side. Natural hair color is what I call “dusty brown” and some people would call dirty blonde; it’s in that random in-between blonde and brown where the top is blonde-ish and the bottom is rather brown. 39. Long or short hair: I have the conundrum of enjoying my hair either really long or really short. I’m in the process of regrowing it to the long stage. It’s sort of at the bottom-of-the-shoulder-blades/boob length now. Goal is to go back to waist length. 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Does Takashi Shirogane count? 41. What do you like about yourself: Honestly, quite a lot? XD I’m very thankful to be a nerd who is apt to learn anything from sciences to arts and music and sports. I’m thankful to be a musician, a composer, a creative writer, an animation junkie, an analytical and logical mind, a complete and utter NERD beyond belief who lives in nerd culture. I love my appearance, I love my facial hair, I love my eyebrows and face shape, I love my body shape, I love that I’m left-handed, I love that I’m not conventionally pretty. I love being a Christian. I love being aroace. I mean when I’m not in a depressive, self-deprecating mode, I really am proud and thankful to be who I am all across the board; there’s very little that I dislike about myself. Mostly what I dislike is my current life situation of not being anywhere career-wise. Everything else, pretty happy. :) 42. Piercings: Two on each earlobe and one halfway up the cartilage. Dammit and I wanted like a dozen piercings by this type in my life. Get me a more stable paycheck and we’re fixing this! 43. Blood type: O+. Most common blood type, woot? 44. Nicknames?: I’ve had a terrifying slew of nicknames over the years. Currently, the most common ones are Haddock, King, (Kylo) Ren, Spock, and Toast. 45. Relationship status: Single in my chill natural habitat. 46. Zodiac: I am so bitter about my Zodiac sign I refuse to say it even though it’s not too hard to figure out what it is given other answers to this meme. 47. Pronouns: He/his/him, though honestly I really don’t care too much what people toss at me. 48. Favorite TV Show: Voltron: Legendary Defender. 50. Right or left hand: LEFT-HANDED WOOOOOOOO LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFT LEFTY PRIDE YOOOO! 51. Surgery: When I was nine I had four baby teeth and then the four adult teeth under them removed. Basically, a wisdom tooth like surgery but younger and with different teeth. 52. Hair dyed in different color: FUCK YEAH! I was getting really bored of my natural hair color but was keeping it natural for the purpose of looking professional (job searches). I’d been wanting to reinstate some purple and black again, but with my current job only allowing “natural” hair colors, I decided I couldn’t go that route. Instead I bleached the front and dyed the rest dark brown in a sort of inspiration from Takashi Shirogane. 53. Sport: I played soccer all growing up, so much fun. Love jogging. Sports are great, miss having the opportunity to do team stuff. Also really enjoy watching professional gymnastics, soccer, American football, and especially tennis. 55. Vacation: I want to see so many locations oh my fuck. My “to go to” list includes Bhutan, Nepal, China/Tibet, Mongolia, Cambodia (again... come on I miss it!), Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, Japan, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom (England & Scotland), Norway, Canada, Peru, Mexico, South Korea, India, Myanmar, Austria, Germany, Iceland... um. Yeah. You. Get the picture. I NEED TO TRAVEL, YO! 56. Pair of trainers: Uh they’re like really raggedy and old and stuff

MORE GENERAL: 

57. Eating: I’m snacking on M&Ms again, like always. 58. Drinking: Water, though methinks I shall make some homemade ginger tea. 59. I’m about to: Probably go shower. It’s 3 PM and I still am in my pajamas. 62. Want: To fucking write and do NaNo and yet life’s been busy and I haven’t had the time for a word but I HAVE SO MANY VLD FANFICS I WANT TO DO AND AURGHGHGHGHGHGH the goal is to somehow write and finish my universal translator mix-up one this month???? We’ll see! Translators, stay tuned, and thanks again for offering to help! 63. Get married: 97% of me doesn’t want to get married I think? 64. Career: Linguistics consultant of doom. Not sure if this can be a career but if I could, I would enjoy continuing the remote work. To explain: I currently work contract positions with various companies who hire me for short-term projects, in which I use my linguistics expertise to analyze and annotate large sums of data according to certain guidelines. 65. Hugs or kisses: Hugs. I. LOVE. HUGS. SO. MUCH. HUGGGGGMEEEEE! I always look closed off in my body language but I swear the inside of me is always going “Giff me the cuddles and don’t let go.” 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. Eyes are the most gorgeous thing about humans seriously. 67. Shorter or taller: I prefer to be the short one in all social situations. 68. Older or younger: For friends, I’m chill with whatever age you are. Dating, also chill, though I think I tend to prefer being slightly older just ’cause that’s how most of my relationships have been? But really doesn’t matter. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms. Nice arms are unique for me. I’m pretty happy with lots of different stomach types I see - tummies just are cute! :) 71. Sensitive or loud: A combo is fun but what I look for most in any platonic or anything relationship is someone with a deep heart. I want friends with whom I can confide in anything... so has to be that sensitive side (sensitive-logical if that makes sense is what I like best). 72. Hook up or relationship: I’ve done random PG hookups? But my answer for this is relationship; hookups are only fun for short-term boosts of self-confidence and not being 100% genuine and just being like carefree “whatever” for a night (make sure you both know you’re just doing the hookup night though, please guys, no deception!). Long-term relationships though are glorious like none other for their emotional power. <3 That is pure beauty, caring for someone deeply with lasting loyalty. But of course ya’ll know me... I find nothing more beautiful to cherish than deep platonic care! 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Combo of both!

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: Yeppers 75. Drank hard liquor: Nope 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Yes ugh I have no clue where one of my pairs of glasses are again 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: I’ve had sex never so this is an easy answer 79. Broken someone’s heart: Yes 80. Had your heart broken: Yes 81. Been arrested: No 82. Cried when someone died: Yes 83. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84: Yourself: Yes, typically 85. Miracles: Absolutely 86. Love at first sight: I mean I don’t deny it happens. It happens. But I don’t think it’s pragmatic to think that’s what’ll happen to you. 87. Santa Claus: Come on, of course North and the Guardians are kicking Pitch’s butt! 88. Kiss on the first date: Sure, why not

OTHER: 

90. Current best friend name: I don’t have one best friend right now. A few of my current closest friends are named Josh, “Hux”, Keith, JuLee, Rachel, Peter, and Meredith. 91. Eye color: Brown 92. Favorite movie: HOW DO I PICK ONE FAVORITE MOVIE FUCK YOU?? The Prince of Egypt, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the How to Train Your Dragon movies, Pacific Rim, there, I made a list.

Uhhhhh let’s so who should I tag... if you want to do it... @akkeyroomi @the-mr-eggplant @chiefrosepetal @thefuriousnightfury @insaneskye @fanwriter02 @dragonpride99 @jettara @margarethelstone @shailyesshadow @hubwalker1 @godguy0001 @theravenfliesagain @frosty-viking @jackthevulture @hiccup-is-left-handed @dragonnan @spacekeet @nightfury326 yaknowwhat I am not going to count but we’ll say that’s about 20 XD

#non-dragons #long post #swearing #meme #ask meme #about me #blabbing Haddock #my life

[shamballan]

@professionallyconfused left it open so imma do it ! cuz i like these...

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: ice cold water 2. Phone call: we called my cousin about bait tackles because my other cousin is trying to teach me how to fish 3. Text message: “did I wake you?” I did, as it turns out. I felt bad. 4. Song you listen to: Edge of Town by Middle Kids 5. Time you cried: couple days ago, I believe, but I don’t remember ‘bout what

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: No. Maybe? I don’t think so 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: maybe 8. Been cheated on: it was an accident 9. Lost someone special: Yes 10. Been depressed: My emotional life is an actual rollercoaster. I walked into depression for about a year. It was nothing near clinical but it sucked. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nah

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Red, green, and either black, silver or gold, they’re even

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes! 16. Fallen out of love: In and out and back in again but we’re learning 17. Laughed until you cried: Heh, yeah a little 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes? 19. Met someone who changed you: Yeah 20. Found out who your friends are: maybe one day 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: no?

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Why would I friend someone on the Book Face that I didn’t know irl? 23. Do you have any pets: No, but one day I will have so many plants and that counts! 24. Do you want to change your name: I’m okay 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: I went out and got ice cream and we went to the pep for breakfast and it was good! (LaPeep is a restaurant in town but I call it the pep)  26. What time do you wake up: 7-ish, or if it’s been a long week I’ll sleep in until 9:30 and those are usually not the good days. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Reading fanfics under comfy blankets ~  28. Name something you can’t wait for: Dnd! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: October, 2015. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish I was a better person. 31. What are you listening to right now: I put my headphones on to watch TAZ videos but then I got distracted so rn, nothing 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: One of my supervisors at work is named Thom. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ME NOT DOING HOMEWORK ugh

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: Yes and they’re beautiful 36. Mark/s: some freckles, and there’s a birth mark on my arm that looks like a heart or a shark’s tooth, depending on how you look at it. Do scars count? Cuz I’ve got some great scars doing some dumb shit!  37. Childhood dream: I always to do everything ! Like Leonardo di Vinci or something 38. Hair color: brown 3n9. Long or short hair: Long-ish 40. Do you have a crush on someone: I have a crush on my boyfriend ^.^ 41. What do you like about yourself: I have really pretty eyes, and my metabolism is apparently top-notch and I’ve been told I’m lucky for that. I like my brain even though it goes too fast and I crash and burn sometimes but it’s trying and I’m proud of that 42. Piercings: Ears 43. Blood type: 0 neg. 44. Nickname: Mia, Sunshine, or Mary-Elizabeth which I like  45. Relationship status: I got a bae 46. Zodiac: hella Aries  47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood is v important to me but I want to start watching Blue Bloods, too

49. Tattoos: “te lo prometo” I got on the edge of my right hand kinda on a whim but I love it. I want to get one more but I think I’ll be done after that 50. Right or left hand: Ambidexterous. Not like Lucretia from TAZ ambidextrerous more like merle ambidexterous 51. Surgery: Something about my ear tubes when I was a baby and then wisdom teeth when I was 17 52. Hair dyed in different color: I’m getting an ombre that goes from my nat color to a lavender-white but you have to get it done in stages 53. Sport: Archery 55. Vacation: I want to maybe go to the ocean but I’m scared 56. Pair of trainers: I have my running shoes, they’re blue and gray

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: Thinking about it 58. Drinking: That good good agua! 59. I’m about to: probably not do homework 61. Waiting for: the weather to cool down so we can try fishing again 62. Want: Adventures! AAH (sorry, i’m bored w this whole wake-up-go-to-school-go-to work-go-to-bed gig and i’ve been listening to too much adventure zone) 63. Get married: yeess? Maybe, i don’t know, because on one hand, Yes. but on the other hand, I can’t stay still long enough for that  64. Career: I LIKE MAKING THINGS AND DOING THINGS idk maybe a writer?

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Just casually I’m all for the kiss hugs no thanks, but emotionally there are certain times when a good hug that I can melt into is just so filling 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: both i guess 68. Older or younger: older?? 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: uhh 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive, because I’m loud 72. Hook up or relationship: I’m all for the ship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Both bc you can’t get too crazy but a little trouble reminds you that you’re alive

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: No 75. Drank hard liquor: No (i have a feeling that adderall + alcohol probs don’t mix) 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Ye 77. Turned someone down: Yeah 78. Sex on the first date: Nah, man 79. Broken someone’s heart: Probably 80. Had your heart broken: Twice. Once romantically, and I full-on ran 4 miles in the middle of the night in my backyard, and once after a couple of friends, which started my short depression. 81. Been arrested: Nop 82. Cried when someone died: Not for anyone I knew personally 83. Fallen for a friend: Not in love but I had a crush on a girl and I asked her out but she didn’t hear me. Later that same night, another friend asked me out and so I started dating him instead.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: YES  85. Miracles: Yes 86. Love at first sight: No 87. Santa Claus: not the guy but until recently I did believe in the christmas spirit 88. Kiss on the first date: Um, sure? Depends on the date, I guess  

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: n/a 91. Eye color: hazel/green 92. Favorite movie: UM I V Much like Chocolate. It’s a 2008 martial arts movie made in thailand about an autistic girl who kicks butt

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE: i taggggg you! Go, my friends, and spread the word of your greatness!

#personal #me

[yuppiefail]

My brain wants me to live miserably and die young

I’ve been wanting to write my story for a long time. I’ve actually already written it once, in the form of a book of essays I call “Nobody Asks Me Why I’m Single.” Each chapter is a reason. That books sucks, but not so much for what’s in it. The essays are funny and interesting enough. But when I sent the book to everyone who said they wanted to read it and would in exchange provide feedback, what I kept hearing over and over again was that it wasn’t a cohesive story. That people wanted more. It was unsatisfying. And not in a good way.

The problem became evident to me after I read a book about how to write screenplays.

It didn’t have a moral. It didn’t have a lesson. And it didn’t have those things because I hadn’t learned anything or changed in any meaningful way over the course of the book.

The reason anyone is interested in my story is that I’ve changed a lot over the course of my life. I’ve changed religions, political affiliations, moral systems, belief systems, friend groups, and careers. I left a marriage and moved across the country twice.

But what have I learned? Recently, it hit me.

The thing I’ve learned is that my brain wants me to live a miserable life and then die young.

While the realization that this was the lesson of my youngish life hit me in an instant, the lesson itself creeps up on me slowly. I saw creeps because I keep forgetting that my brain is a lying, selfish asshole. Life so far for me has been a constant process of discovering and rediscovering where my brain has been lying to me and what the truth is.

The first time I remember encountering the idea that my brain wants me to live miserably and then die young was reading Rewire Your Brain for Love: Creating Vibrant Relationships Using the Science of Mindfulness.

Then came my exposure to behavioral economics.

The central insight driving behavioral economics is that human beings are predictably irrational.

Let’s break that down.

It’s empirically demonstrated that most human beings will consistently exhibit certain thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that actively inhibit their ability to accomplish their genuine goals. It won’t shock you to learn that human beings often get in our own way. But it surprised me to learn that many of the ways we get in our own way aren’t totally random, but rather are predictable. It’s empirically demonstrated that most human beings consistently come to illogical conclusions from a set of axioms. It won’t shock you to learn that human beings often illogical. But it surprised me to learn that many of the ways humans are illogical aren’t totally random, but rather are predictable.

I’ve changed a lot in my life. But the most important personal changes I’ve made, and the ones I’m most excited about, have been when I’ve updated my heuristics.

A recent Hidden Brain podcast on scarcity cemented the lesson for me. It’s not actually that my brain wants me to live miserably and then die young. It’s that my brain wants me to reproduce and then live long enough to see my offspring survive. Nothing more, nothing less.

My brain wants:

Survival until the end of reproductive capacity

Reproduction

Survival of the offspring

My brain does not care about:

Happiness

Fulfillment

Meaning

Longevity

Health

That isn’t an absolute statement. To the extent that happiness, etc. can increase the likelihood I’ll reproduce and my kids will survive long enough to reproduce, my brain is into it. But, I can expect that every time my brain thinks it has to choose between group one and group two, it’s going to choose group one.

That’s all fine and dandy, because your brain rarely has to choose between group one and group two.

In this day and age, it’s really easy and common to outlive your reproductive years. And most people’s kids outlive their reproductive years as well.

Here’s the problem. My brain doesn’t really believe that.

I’ll give you a really simple example of what I’m talking about.

When I was little, I would see ghosts in the darkness. Okay, not really. I would sometimes kind of think I might be seeing some kind of shape. But my brain would say to me, “That’s a ghost. You’re probably fucked.” Most kids see monsters or boogeymen or whatever but my mom grew up Catholic and believes in ghosts and so I guess that’s why I did too.

Now, empirically speaking, it’s extremely unlikely that I was seeing ghosts. Why did my brain tell me it was a ghost? My brain telling me the thing I might be seeing is a ghost was both immediately unpleasant and damaging to me long-term because it kept me from sleeping, which impaired my cognitive development and ability to regulate my emotions. Losing sleep literally shortened my life.

My brain told me I was seeing a ghost because my brain thought a ghost was an existential threat. My brain said, “Dude, if this is a ghost, it could kill you. Fuck your happiness, longevity, and health. We’ve got to survive until the end of your reproductive capacity and I can’t figure out whether this is a ghost or not so we’re going to go with yes just to be safe.”

Here’s the deal. I’ve always been kind of a miserable fuck. I knew I wasn’t as happy as the other kids. I knew I was different from the other kids too. I remember seeing a ghost at summer camp and telling a kid next to me and them telling a counselor and the counsellor taking me aside and being like, essentially, “Like, we all believe in ghosts because we’re Southern Baptist but also you probably didn’t see one and it’s annoying that you riled all the other girls up so please go back to bed.” And I was like, “Yeah you’re probably right which is why I just told the one girl but then this whole I saw a ghost thing got really out of hand so let’s just pretend this didn’t happen.”

I thought I was depressed until I got divorced. It was shortly after that that I realized I wasn’t depressed, I had anxiety.

What anxiety means for me is that my brain takes less for granted than most people. Where most people see darkness, I see ghosts. Where most people see a benign comment, I see a deep insult. Where most people see indifference, I see rejection.

My brain is on high alert for existential threats almost all the time.

First, I learned not trust my intuition. That gut feeling telling you something is wrong? I realized that I have that all the time, about everything. I can’t trust it. I learned that my intuition doesn’t work because anxiety makes me interpret benign things as threatening.

So I leaned on the church to tell me what to do and not do, and to a lesser extent the wisdom of others. But then, I learned not trust authority. The only authority I ever trusted was God, but when the church fucked me over I learned that religion was not a trustworthy source for decision-making. I learned what superstition was. Superstition is a framework for understanding the rustle in the bushes.

When you see bushes rustling, your brain sometimes jumps to trying to think up a reason. Is it a saber-tooth tiger, or the wind? If you think it’s a saber-tooth tiger, and it’s not, you are miserable, but you survive. If you think it’s the wind or something else random, you’re happy but maybe dead. I learned that religiosity is connected with brain chemistry. You can actually look at someone’s brain and predict how likely they are to misconstrue random events as non-random. I realized my brain chemistry made me think God controlled everything and that probably wasn’t true.

I learned to be skeptical. I fell in love with empiricism.

Finally, I learned not to trust my brain.

I learned that while my brain is worse than average at evaluating risk, everyone is pretty bad at it. I learned that the human brain is wired to overestimate risk and underestimate reward. I learned that humans are loss-averse, they routinely choose to give up large, likely gains to avoid small, unlikely losses.

A heuristic is a decision-making tool. You can make a decision based on intuition, authority, logic, or any combination of those. There are many other heuristics, countless.

I learned that anxiety left me with broken intuition and logic. When I filtered a decision through my intuition and logic, it led to mediocre happiness, fulfillment, meaning, longevity, and health. I learned that the same thing happened when I used religion to make decisions.

Realizing that, I rejected intuition, authority, and my own fucking brain as viable heuristics. I decided that when I make a decision, empirical data is the heuristic that most often leads to decisions that maximize my happiness, fulfillment, meaning, longevity, and health.

If the decisions I made using intuition, authority, and logic had worked out better for me, if I’d been less of a regretful, anxious, miserable fuck, I never would have looked into other ways to make decisions. I never would have rejected intuition, authority, and my own fucking brain as viable heuristics.

But because I couldn’t deny that what I was doing wasn’t very effectively maximizing my happiness, fulfillment, meaning, longevity, and health, I was willing to learn how to make my greatest weakness, my anxiety, my superpower.

And I learned it by learning that I am not the only one who is led astray by their intuition, authority, and logic. The entire field of behavioral economics is dedicated to studying the instances where most people’s brains fuck them out of long-term flourishing. And the reason, I believe, our brains fuck us out of long-term flourishing is that they don’t believe we’ll survive going for the gold.

The Hidden Brain podcast is about how your brain reacts to scarcity. In short, poorly. When people are worried they won’t get any more food again for a long time they reliably overeat. When people are worried they won’t get more money again anytime soon they reliably overspend. When people are worried they won’t get human connection and company again anytime soon they act needy and desperate.

Your brain fucks you over in the long-term in order to ensure you survive in the short term.

The difference between someone who survives and someone who thrives is not necessarily scarcity. It’s necessarily worry. If you are worried about where your next meal will come from, you will probably eat too much. If you are not worried about your next meal, you probably won’t eat too much, at least not for that reason.

This is, so far, I believe, the lesson of my life. The most important realization I have ever encountered. Changing my heuristics, being open to the idea that my heuristic might be broken, that I’m worried about things that aren’t actually existential threats, has helped me make decisions I do not regret. Decisions that have been fun, sure. But more importantly, decisions that have been interesting. It’s allowed me to look at the blob in the dark and say, “I don’t know what you are, but I’ve looked at the data and you’re probably not going to kill me. Goodnight.”

My brain wants me to live miserably and die young was originally published on

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April 26th, 2017

Crazy. Crazy how things have changed since the last time I wrote on here. Where do I even start. Well second semester of college is almost over thank god. Okay so back to the more important things. The men in my life right now. So there is this trainer Ben who works at my gym. The way we met is interesting. Apparently he’s seen and admired me from a far but didn’t say anything. One day I was walking through the gym and he was training a client. His client almost hit me with the weight and Ben made a quirky comment. I don’t even remember what it was but it some how ended up in setting up a training. Fast forward a month to finally meeting him. I can tell this man get wet just by the thought of me. He is currently seeing someone but I know deep down he wouldn’t give up the opportunity to sleep with me. There was a time I entered the gym and he asked if I did anything to my lips. Then there was a time I was talking about how my wisdom tooth was hurting and he asked to see,, so I opened my mouth and Ben replies “ don’t be scared if I shove my tongue down there.” And just the other day I was stretching in front of him and he kept making a face as if he was going to lay me down on that stretching table. I can go on for all the things I make this man drip over me but you get the gist. anyways he knows of my heartache with Kevin. He offers me knowledge I can’t find anywhere else. I started talking to this guy frank. He’s just a filler for Kevin while he’s not here. Sucks because I know I'm going to break this guys heart but I just don’t learn.