#ok yeah the tags version is the one i should reblog

[desceros]

me: [looks at calendar, gets a wicked idea, looks into the camera] happy springtime, turtle fam! who's ready to celebrate the season?

...mating season, that is. hehe. [dodges the tomatoes]

so! i had the idea that it would be super fun to have a community-wide event where we all have a prompt and then everyone fills it in their own way.

...i then decided all the prompts i came up with were too good not to use, but also none of them were Good Enough to use exclusively, so i changed my mind and the prompt is now just MATING SEASON. with a few suggestions at the bottom of this post if you're looking for some.

since spring is coming upon us, i hereby invite everyone to join in the vernal festivities... which in turtle parlance, of course, means only one thing: write, draw, whatever your version of "mating season", then join me on march 1 to post it with the tag #TMNTSpringShellebration. we then shall browse the fine selection of our mutual artistic efforts, and basically just have a good time as a community.

here are the prompts i came up with as starters-slash-things-to-include if you're looking for a place to get started. feel free to use these at will, or use them to come up with something of your own:

“Please don’t make me explain this. It’s humiliating as is.”

Oops, Looks Like Mating Season Came A Week Early This Year

“…In all of my mating seasons, this has never happened before.”

“I told you not to come by! It’s mating season!”

Probably should have expected it to be different now that he’s not going through it alone.

Because of Shenanigans, you have to wait. Wait… Wait… ok now.

They’re not the right person for mating season… but they’re the one who’s here, so…

“Show me where it hurts."

so yeah! see you all on march 1 for the, uh, spring shellebration. party popper emoji

questions i imagine will be popping up and i hope will clear up here before my askbox swells beyond capacity under the cut to keep this post from being Way Too Long. also it's really not that serious it's just an excuse to write slash draw for everyone Please Don't Take This Thing Too Seriously It's Not That Serious:

"can i participate?" yes! it's literally just an invitation to do something. nothing fancier than that. no need to be following me or in my friend group or whatever.

"can i write (insert fic idea here)?" yep! so long as it's related to the idea of mating seasons, it flies. reader insert? hell yea. oc? hell yeah. solo turtle and his favorite pillow? go for it.

"can i draw (insert art idea here)?" yep! uh. i know tumblr has the cops watching for sin bin material, but you art people know how to deal with that. and if you don't, uh, ask the other art people. im just a feral cat in a trench coat

"how do i participate?" write/draw/collect songs for/whatever. then, on march 1, post it and tag it #TMNTSpringShellebration. also, for funsies, keep it hush hush what you're working on so we can all be super shocked when the day comes! except, y'know, that you're planning on joining in. totally do that.

"when do i post it?" march 1. whenever on that day. waves hands around in a vague gesture at time zones not mattering. seriously don't take this so seriously it's just me wanting to create cool shit with my friends with a little more structure to it

"does it have to be horny?" i mean. it's an event about mating season. so by definition it's going to be at least a little horny. but however you interpret it is cool. even if it's just. idk. leo sitting sweatily in a chair looking longingly at a glass of water bc he's thirstier than usual. be smart about things, people. i'm not your dad.

"which tmnt verse is this for?" whichever one you want it to be for!! rise! bayverse! 2007! your fan iteration! your friend's fan iteration! your mortal enemy's fan iteration! yes!

"will you be reblogging everything?" absolutely not, but this isn't an event About Me. i am incidental to the thing. it's about Us. coming together as a community. for horny turtles. puts my hands on your shoulders. do it for you. for your friends. for the community.

#text tag #feel free to reblog this around. it started out as a thing for turtle fam but we all agreed that it would be fun for The Community #anyway yeehaw let's spend all of february thinking about what to do and then the night of feb 29 doing it RAH #tmntspringshellebration

[xxbun-artxx]

omg I finally I get to show you all my Redesigns and reworks , Sorry it took so long collage took all my emotional energy and I couldn't collect my thoughts to talk about my redesigns so yeah enough sad bun shit! Let's talk about the first of the first set I made ( poll winner results and second character will be revealed later)

So, nya

I always had ....mixed feelings about nya. Like I like the idea of her being "girl brother " but I don't feel like it's executed well in the show. And if I had to pin on why its because it alway felt to me like she's attached to the men in her life, she's Jay's girlfriend she's kai's sister. Nya didn't truly feel like her own being until she became a water spirt, hell I think her powers being water is also an extension of that because I bet it was chosen to pair with kai. Like if I was redoing the characters down to the core I would've given her metal as an element, like imagen how cool that will be!? ( I should draw that)

The redesign+retoolings I'm doing is not changing the basics of the characters, I'm just alternating and rewriting some parts of the characters.I'm not changing who nya is as a base I'm just reinterpting her.

Nya, they/she

So about my nya,

In this drawing I drew her og fit and her current look because I think they represent her the best (I did draw other nya forms, reblog if you're interested!)

Let's start with her og outfit. I started with giving her a more stylish version of thier Dora bowlcut with bleached inner layers. I wanted them to have a unisex feel to radiate that nice fem feel as well as utter power, slay vibes. I kept her minifig eyeliner cuz slay. I gave her this earing because I thought it suits her general aesthetic.

Ok next detail might go well or not with yall but I changed nya's phoenix to a filly sea horse. So I always felt it didn't match match her water powers, like it was fine when she was a samurai but it doesn't really match.

"But she didn't know she was the water element master before"

True, but she still uses it and aesthetically it boggles me especially because later on she turns into a sea horse looking sea snake. Take me changing it as morbid forshadowing.

Her outfit didn't change much just more details and white to make it more interesting.

Now post s7 nya,

God why did they giver her pixel's hair, its stupid one of our main characters doesn't have a unique hair piece. So I let her hair down with a big braid to let nya embrace their more feminine side also because pretty women. You can see in this drawing how nya's eye color changed, it actually didn't i did mention before that the ninjas eye colors aren't thier true eye colors (minus lloyd) but is their powers colors, when they lose thier power they show thier true eye color (show s9 lloyd style)

I changed nya's outfit to be more teal instead of grey and bright blue. Like why was she grey? She's water you guys. I made it teal to make her stand out from Jay's blues.

So yeah here is my nya retooling, what do yall think? I'm interested to know. And if you want to see my lore changes the stick around ~☆

If you want to draw the design, tag or @ me because I would die to see it!

Bun, out

#ninjago #ninjago fanart #ninjago au #ninjago nya #ninjago kai #ninjago lloyd #ninjago zane #ninjago cole #ninjago art #ninjago jay #ninjago bun designs

[sophieinwonderland]

we hate how people always throw around the same accusations about you. "sophie spreads misinformation" sophie is the one backing up her points with actual sources? "sophie harasses people she disagrees with" sophie shuts down an anti endo for spreading hate and that is considered 'harassment', but people trying to smear her by making callouts claiming shes bigoted and abusive is a-ok? "sophie doesnt respect DNIs" have you heard of the block button. do you know youre also supposed to block people on specific sideblogs. if youre really this concerned about people respecting your dni, respect your own...

Yeah... Honestly, the hypocrisy of the whole thing is what gets me. The sense I get is that most people in syscourse are basing their principles on who they're friends with or who agrees with them. "Someone I like does something? It's fine. Someone I dislike does the exact same thing (or even a lesser version of it) then it's terrible and they're awful."

On the whole DNI thing, I also need to say that Tumblr is designed so you can search for any topic by tags, then like, reblog or reply to posts you see in those tags. People aren't expected to click on every blog they see in the tags, then carefully scan over the pinned post to make sure they don't fit into the DNI list. It's pretty silly to expect people to dedicate their time to that.

And also, DNIs aren't usually meant to be specific people, are they? Like you said, there's a block button. Sure, you have to jump through a few hoops to block someone on sideblogs, but it seems like less effort than putting them in a DNI they may not even see.

I have to ask, has anyone ever actually seen this in other communities? Where a user who isn't a public figure has people telling their supporters to not interact?

I haven't seen this but I don't hang around many other communities on Tumblr either.

To me, the whole thing looks like people disguising harassment as a boundary. It lets you target a specific user, let everyone who clicks on your blog know that this user is supposedly a bad person they should stay away from, and gives an easy excuse to make callout posts about that user when followers inevitably ask why they're in your DNI.

DNIs already are usually performative anyways. But this seems to go a step further than that to the point of using a "DNI" to attack specific individuals, which just feels gross to me.

#syscourse

[its-tortle]

it wasn't a hate speech, I wrote about it, I'm sorry that something offended you.

ok, I'm bad at writing. try again. short version - why of all social things its a transgender people? you write (I wrote same) you have no self-interest other than equality. You write about Ukraine one time, you write about Israel one time. You know what I mean?

I mean, you like Taylor - you post about Taylor a lot. You post cute gay couple a lot - because you love it. And from social - you post a lot about trans. Only trans you post a lot.. More than about women rights or bisexual people. Why? :-) You are a woman, you are young, you have your own life, friends. Why you dont speak about this.

I'm asking this because I don't know any trans people in real life (like you as I know) other than tiktok, yt. but I know people of all orientations. my governem doesnt have enough money for education and medicine. I mean that everyone simply has problems. but you write about them. I don't have a problem with them, and neither do you.

I just don’t understand why so many posts on tumblr about trans rights, especially from people who are not in the trans community at all. So yeah, the short question - why trans?

(you don't have to reblog at all about anything, but you reglog about trans. and yeah, if its a post about hp you only write on tags jkr on negative part)

hi! sorry it took me a moment to get to this, and sorry that i misunderstood your ask in the first place. it's a valid question, truly, though i'm not sure i alone am able to give you a full answer for it.

there's definitely a number of reasons as to why trans issues seem to be disproportionately represented on my blog and many others, some of those reasons are personal and some of them sociopolitical.

the first and maybe most obvious personal reason is the simple one of queer solidarity. i'm bi, i've dated women, and that makes me part of a larger group that is as diverse and colorful as it is littered with a history of prosecution. trans people are very much a part of that collective, and i want them to feel as supported as they have made me feel when i've met them at gsas and pride events and fandom spaces. while i don't relate to their issues exactly, their overall struggle against the cis heterosexual matrix still connects with me. we're all under one umbrella.

also (and maybe this is where a bit of the sociopolitics comes in) trans people are one of the most immediately and publicly threatened groups within the lgbtq+. while so many other sexualities and identities are obviously affected by current events and politics, the queer hate spread in right-wing politics these days is specifically anti-trans. i'm half american and have grown up in western europe, and the impact of this hate mongering is felt in my own communities. while i know most about us and some uk anti-trans politics, i know the sentiment is more widespread than just those places. it feels like one of the most urgent queer issues right now.

and because i am queer and because i am western, the algorithm and the news and the people i follow on social media are posting about this anti-trans rhetoric. i don't think i ever deliberately seek out trans supportive content, but it's what i see on my feed/dash, so that's what i reblog. if i saw as much disability support or ukraine support, etc., i would reblog that too.

sure, there are things that i don't reblog that i maybe should, but again, i'm not here to be an activist and i don't like reblogging content about issues i'm not fully sure/educated about. the palestine/israel issue, for instance, is so much more complex than 'trans people deserve to exist', so i'm not as comfortable hitting a quick reblog. not because i don't care about it or because it's not on my mind, but because it's not as black and white and i don't feel like a worthy informant. i talk to my friends and my parents about it, but i don't need my incomplete opinions to be posted publicly online.

and i know i keep saying this, but i'll say it again: i am not here to be an activist. there is a definitely a conversation to be had here, and maybe i should be doing more, but i also resent being made to feel like i have to weigh in on every world issue because my silly little blog about queer tv shows and taylor swift has 1k followers. i reblog what resonates with me, i reblog what i understand. i want this blog to be a happy place.

#i also truly cannot remember the last pro trans post i reblogged #i know i have rbed them!! but is it that much of a trend?? it's not that evident to me #anyway i hope this makes sense #i sympathize with you and think this is a good conversation #but i hope you see where i'm coming from #i also hope you're not a terf or anything if you are pls unfollow me thank you :) #anyway thanks for taking the time to rephrase and type all this out! #i see u and i appreciate the effort #especially as it's not your first language #tortle answers #i wonder if literally anyone else is following this exchange #anon

[beanscool-excellent]

some ride the crimeclone notes because people liked my tags about it on that one post

ride the crimeclone (or just crimeclone) is the production of rtc that i have planned out in my head that i will never be able to put on bc i have changed parts of the script and putting it on would be Wildly Illegal, hence the name crimeclone

i jumped around the show a lot making these in my sketchbook and im going around my sketchbook too so its a little all over the place but!!

jane has contacts that make it look like her eyes are buttons

she has the doll in her pocket the whole show but the stuffing is falling out of it so ocean trails behind her and cleans it up

"my song--(leans down to pick up fluff)--was a cautionary tale--(leans down)--of hubris.(leans down, shoves fluff into her pocket)"

before the new birthday song when everyone brings the outfit ricky brings jane her doll and jane hugs the doll and its a very sweet moment

janes makeup is done to look like she has a patch on her face

puppet motif in tbojd

all her movements look very choreographed until "and im asking why lord" and then she just goes apeshit. she is so fucking mad

like i said earlier it has the energy of sam pauly's all you wanna do

i genuinely dont know how to put this into words but the lights on the umbrellas like. circle?

you know those people who sync up their christmas lights to the radio and it looks like pieces of light are moving up the sidewalks? that but in a circle

ok enough jane talk

propaganda posters in wtwn !!

this kinda thing ^

theyre used kinda like the big posterboards that spell out ocean in mcc*rter's version

mischa snaps his in half in the scene after wtwn

the outfit ricky quick changes into during sabm is So Glittery its almost obnoxious

the shirt is partially unbuttoned too

the implication is that he didnt have time to rebutton it after the cat sex

i also think the cat sex is a pre recorded projection so that theres enough time for the quick change bc i still want ricky to come out on "for theyre at war with canine"

i think he has the electric guitar the whole last section too and i want it to be strapped to his cane

idk why i just think itd be fun

oh also we keep lets get real space babies and dont be a dick

and its the version where ricky is actually disabled but i think that goes without saying

and while were at it keep love conquers all it is a CRIME that they removed it

i think thats all i have to say for now so heres my costume design stuff

oh i should elaborate on the noels lament skirts huh

ok so the skirt for the uniform is long so it spins out a lot, think the talia dresses but more pleated and less flowy, and the underside is red so during noels lament they can pin it up to look shorter in the front,, it looks weird in the drawing and i think it sounds weird but ive done it with my big skirts irl and it looks cool so. yeah

ill reblog with more stuff eventually but im writing this out at midnight and im tired so no more right now

#ride the cyclone #ride the crimeclone #crimeclone #i dont. know what to tag this as #i think this is gonna either blow up or get literally 2 likes #IM SO NERVOUS TO POST THIS PUBLICLY BRO #this has been a thing in my head since like february and i never thought id post it #image ids in notes appreciated from anyone who knows how to do them well im shit at them

[ante--meridiem]

thanks for the eloquent humanities-STEM posts. i also saw The Post and couldn’t quite word why it ground my gears so much. having thought more it also bothers me how it conflates so many things. misogyny in STEM spaces is not a product of not taking humanities courses (???) and the anecdote recounted ironically happens to be a scenario i’ve encountered amongst philosophy majors too (sexism and all!), but as you said, my anecdote is also not data. the conflation of breaking down a hypothetical scenario for the hell of it with thinking that those hypothetical actions are practically okay is also weird. also like, minorities in stem exist. and i don’t know how they would defend their implied tenet of “you need to study concepts in college to Get Them” if it was presented to them outside of this particular argument. i hope this message was okay to send!

Appreciate you thinking it's eloquent :) (I assume you mean the expanded version and not the original; the original was an ineloquent expression of frustration that clearly missed some nuances going by the responses it's garnered and I probably wouldn't have left my clarifications in the tags + reblog if I'd known it would spread).

I do find it a bit ironic how much tumblr loves the "I don't know how to explain to you why you should care about people" meme then spreads a post implictly claiming humanities lecturers do know how to do that. (Funnily enough the original meme frustrates me too because it may be true but I am really not a fan of the concept of there being important things you either Get or Don't regardless of explanation offered; however me not being a fan of it doesn't change it. Still. Ironic.)

"I don't know how they would defend their implicit tenet of "you need to study concepts in college to Get Them" outside of this context" - yeah. That post is pretty clearly founded in a world where college is a basic level of essential education that everyone can be assumed to get, and not a place you go to deepen your understanding of a particular topic you decided you want to know to a level of specialisation beyond what the average person should ever need in their lives. And there is a place in the world for specialised ethicists; any engineering project shouldn't be one person working alone anyway, and it's probably good to have someone there trained to catch social issues others wouldn't - but that's on a "there's a subtle incentive problem/bias problem your proposal would create that you probably haven't seen" level not a "your proposal shouldn't be murder" level, you don't need training for the second. Specialised ethicists on engineering teams should really have a firm grounding in the engineering component too though so you don't get "this ai answered leading questions with the kind of philosophical ideas it found in text we fed it; clearly it's sentient and mistreated".

On sexism, tbh I can absolutely buy that stem classes are more sexist, not because they aren't taught not to be but because the gender ratio at least on the maths side of things is just ridiculously skewed, and a mostly-cis-male environment will probably be misogynistic. (Though my current course actually somehow has an almost even gender ratio - that's a far out exception though, never seen it before except at events deliberately angled at getting women into maths).

Anyway yes, of course this was OK to send, thank you for the ask.

#Anon #Ask #A slightly rambly all over the place response bc I typed it ouy quickly at lunch between lectures; gotta dash now!

[kageyuji]

asking him how to confess to your crush (him)

⤷ oikawa, suna, bokuto, iwaizumi ; [gn!reader]

TAGS: fluff/crack if you squint, confessions

NOTES: please reblog or i’ll cry

━━ OIKAWA

you can’t miss the momentary look of sadness, but he quickly hides it with a cocky smile

he tells you the cheesiest possible way to confess to someone. he doesn’t even know if it’ll work on not

(he actually hopes it doesn’t, but he can’t just be an asshole and tell you something that clearly won’t work)

but once he realizes that he is the person you like, his mind jumps to several different places all at once

he’s happy but also he can’t properly form words, please bear with him </3

“Oikawa?”

He hummed a response to you, ghost of a smile on his lips. He always liked the way you said his name, even if it was just his family name.

“I have a favor... so there’s this guy that I like, and I wasn’t sure how to tell him. Do you think you could give me ideas?”

You don’t miss the pout on his lips, the way his eyebrows furrow, the hurt in his eyes. If one were to blink, they wouldn’t have missed it. He smiled and laughed, quickly trying to hide how much his heart ached.

People — in reality, only makki and mattsun — had asked you if you had feelings for someone. But you never gave them an answer, just a flustered smile and a shrug.

“Uhm... I don’t know, depends on the person. You can get a bouquet or something, and chocolates maybe?”

A smile lit up your face. He had looked so pained to say it; his nose was wrinkled up a little, one hand at the back of his neck, eyes looking anywhere but you.

“Oh, yeah! That sounds sweet, he might like that. Should I ask him what his favorite flowers are?”

“Yeah.” His heart sunk impossibly lower.

“Got it. So, what are your favorite flowers?”

He looked up from where he’d taken a sudden interest in the floor, looking around for someone else. But no one seemed to be engaging in a conversation with you — actually, he realized it was only you and him in the room.

“No, I meant ask this guy that you like.”

“I just did.”

He doesn’t say anything at first, eyes wide and lips parted. There’s something in his eyes that you can’t quite read. Shock, or was in confusion? There was also an undertone of hurt, like he couldn’t tell if this was some sick joke or not.

“You mean... me? I’m the- you have feelings for me?”

Your heart fell then — of course you’d been nervous to tell him. But with the constant flirting, you were beginning to think that maybe it wasn’t just harmless and playful anymore. That maybe even if it was still done playfully, there was truth behind those words, behind the smiles and the winks he sent you.

“If you don’t feel the same way, it’s fine, I just-”

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. I was just a little surprised is all. I feel the same way, and you’re great, really, I just figured I wasn’t your type.”

“But you are.” You said, heating rising in your cheeks. Nothing could mask the smile he wore, even if he was trying not fight it.

“And you are my type. Guess we’re both lucky, hm?”

━━ SUNA

he is determined not to let you notice how his heart stopped in his chest

he still holds the same disinterested, bored look on his face as always, although he’s unaware you could see right through him

refuses to give you advice on how to go about confessing

in fact, the last thing he wants to do is be around you — he knows you were never his, so he can’t be upset, but it still turns his stomach

tell him before he can find an excuse to leave, or else your confession will be a lot more painstaking due to him dodging any interaction with you

“So uh... if you were to confess to someone you like, how do you think you would do it?” Your voice sounded so sweet, so genuine.

“Why? You have a little crush on somethin’?” He laughed.

“Yeah, actually.”

Oh.

You don’t miss the way his nose scrunches and the look in his eyes. He’s looking at the floor with narrowed eyes, almost as though the floor was the cause of his jealousy.

Well, not his jealousy — he wasn’t jealous, was he?

“Hm,” He hums, and you find him putting back on the same incurious face that he always wore. “I don’t know, elaborate confessions are pointless. Just tell the person how you feel. If they really like you, they won’t turn you aware for being simple.”

“Ah, that’s true.” You smile, though it’s fueled with nervousness. “So, one more thing I gotta say then.”

“Make it quick, I’ve to be somewhere soon.” Suna hates the bitter taste in his mouth.

He knows he shouldn’t care, after all he’s never worked up the courage to spill his heart to you, so he doesn’t have a right to feel like something is being torn — no, stolen — away from him.

“Right. You said simple, so... I like you, and I think you’re really sweet. And you’re funny and you’re so caring, even though you would never admit that. Um, I hope that was boiled down enough for you.”

“You’re kidding right?”

The tone in his voice is almost accusatory, although he doesn’t mean it to be, he just genuinely doesn’t believe you. When had you ever shown interest in him? Not that he was complaining.

“No. But it’s fine if you d-”

“I never said that. If you mean it though, maybe you can tell me the longer version of everything you like about me. Over coffee or something?”

━━ BOKUTO

ok first off, let me stop you right there, because baby boy is gonna get so sad :(

there is no hiding the hurt he’s feeling. he’s always expressive, even though he’s trying to hide it

please stop him there because his mood is only going downhill

actually tells you some elaborate, thought out thing that you assumed was from the top of his head

(although in reality, he’s thought about telling you how he feels on countless times)

but when he realizes that you’re talking about him he instantly does a 180, he looks like he’s in heaven

“Bokuto!” You call his name with a smile. You’ve found you can always get a matching one from him whenever you do so.

And of course he smiles back at you, the same excited look in his eyes as always. “Y/n!”

“I need advice.” You say.

His expression drops into one of worry at your tone. If there was anything that Bokuto hated in this world, it was seeing you upset.

“What is it?”

“I need to know how to tell someone that I have feelings for them.”

And just like that, you can see his heart break through his expression. His eyebrows pin up and he presses his lips into a thin line. You can tell that he’s trying not to show you how bothered he was by that one sentence.

He always was bad at pretending he was fine though. It was clear, if nothing else you could see his watery eyes.

“Oh... uhm. Can I ask who the person is?”

You’re hesitant to say it. But you don’t know why, because his reaction was your final bit of proof that he had feelings for you too. He hadn’t been subtle before, but now it was obvious.

“You.”

“What?” Bokuto said, although the word was breathless.

He doesn’t wait for you to respond to him. Instead, the wide smile he always wore appeared back on his face and he wrapped his arms around you.

Usually, Bokuto’s hugs are tight anyway. They’re filled with a need to be close to you and a need to convey the emotion of ‘you are the only thing grounding me right now’.

But this one was tighter. He buried his face into your neck, but you could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke. “I may have to confess to someone too.”

━━ IWAIZUMI

iwaizumi is a gentleman about it, as much as he doesn’t want to be

if anything, he wants to tell you right then and there about his feelings

but the fact (or rather, the thought) that you’ve taken an interest in someone else is all the evidence he needs to stop himself

the last thing he wants to do it mess with your emotions so he intends to stuff he feelings down to deepest parts of his mind in hopes that they’ll one day disappear

until of course, he realizes that he is the guy you’d been talking about

he gets giddy, believe it or not. he hates to admit it sometimes, but unbeknownst to you, you have so much control over his emotions

“So, Iwa?” You said, and he tried to overlook the cautious tone to your voice.

“Hm?”

“Uh, theres this guy that I kind of have feelings for. But the thing is, I don’t know how to tell him.” You sound nervous.

Iwaizumi assumes it’s from the thought of having to tell this person your feelings, yet he doesn’t realize that said person is him and it’s coming sooner than he’d realized.

He doesn’t say anything in response to you at first. His eyes narrow only slightly, then he takes a deep breath and turns back to you with his usual expression.

“If you’re going to tell them, do something sweet and simple. If you get all extravagant with it, it might freak ‘em out. Maybe... I dunno, buy a little gift and tell them?

He hid it well. The mix of jealousy, regret, and sadness in him was painful, but he clenched his fists and tried not to let his voice crack. If there was someone you knew that didn’t cry, it was Iwaizumi. Yet here he was, doing everything in his power not show how upset he was.

What was he even doing anyway? He was helping you find a lover that was not himself. Not that you even knew that, because in reality he’d never shown to you that he had feelings towards you.

That was something he was regretting a lot now.

“Oh I see, what kind of gift would you like?”

Ouch. As though this couldn’t hurt more. “I don’t know, depends on the person. Ask him, not me.”

“I just did, dummy.”

It took him a few seconds to process that, then another few seconds for the relief and happiness to wash over him. A smile rugged at the corner of his lips.

“That’s cute. You and I can go out somewhere this weekend and I can help you pick something out, hm?”

#oikawa x reader #suna x reader #bokuto x reader #iwaizumi x reader #oikawa headcanons #suna headcanons #bokuto headcanons #iwaizumi headcanons #oikawa x you #oikawa x y/n #suna x you #suna x y/n #bokuto x you #bokuto x y/n #iwaizumi x you #iwaizumi x y/n #oikawa tooru x reader #tooru oikawa x reader #suna rintarou x reader #bokuto koutarou x reader #iwaizumi hajime x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyu headcanons #oikawa hcs #bokuto hcs #suna hcs #iwaizumi hcs #oikawa

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

#genderfluidlucifer #transmisogyny tw #terfs tw #ask to tag #txt #long post #ok to rb

[rayghosts]

memeception

#M E M E C E P T I O N #WHAT IS THIS IM CRYING #rb #shitpost

[jerzwriter]

Delaying the Inevitable - Chapter 21 Almost...

Book: Open Heart 3 (Post Series)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC Tobias Carrick x MC

Rating: Chapter: Teen

Summary: Extended Series WIP – Love Triangle. In this chapter: Ethan, Casey & Tobias must face each other at work again; Ethan has a heart to heart with Naveen; Festive preparations begin; Casey makes a discovery; Casey and Tobias….

Category: Extended Series (WIP)

Warnings: Language (I’m sure at some point… it’s me)

A/N: Shorter chapter (well, for me). I had to break the original chapter into two parts due to time constraints, plus I it was just becoming too long. So last week's Sunday Six will be in next week’s chapter. Also, "To Make You Feel My Love" will not play into this chapter, but the next. Next week will be on schedule (maybe even a little early.) Since the new chapter wasn't out yet, I did not do a Sunday Six, but I will get a sneak peek for the next chapter to you by Wednesday, the latest.

A/N 2: Ethan fans should be happy; he is coming around. But it’s a journey, don’t expect miracles… although, the season of miracles is fast approaching in the story. 🤔Which leads me to – Christmas. This chapter (and the next) will have a lot of Christmas themes. Please note it is only being celebrated in a secular fashion that is consistent with traditions in Boston/US.

A/N 3: This note remains: A reminder, it’s a triangle folks. That means more than one love interest.

A/N 4: Totally not necessary to listen, but as I wrote some of the parts for Casey & Tobias, I could not get this song out of my head, so I thought I'd share it with you. There are many versions, but this is one of my favorites: This Christmas. I hope you enjoy!

CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY STUDIOS

If you wish to be added or removed from tags, please let me know. Comments and reblogs always appreciated. 😊

Tobias grumbled as he opened his eyes, awake much earlier than he intended. Why did he keep putting this off? That one damn strip of curtain hadn’t closed right since he moved in. It constantly let the early morning sunlight in, interrupting his already limited sleep. No more excuses, this weekend, he was doing something to fix it. He was about to swing his legs off the bed and attempt to close it when soft mumbling from the other side of his bed reminded him that he was not alone. A bright grin spread across his face, and, suddenly, neither the faulty curtains nor a lack of sleep mattered anymore. She rolled over and nuzzled her head into his shoulder, and wrapped her arm across his chest.

“Good morning, baby,” she smiled.

“With you here next to me, it is an undoubtedly good morning. I’m sorry about that light. Does it bother you?”

“Mmmhhhh, nothing bothers me as long as I have you, T.”

He leaned over and kissed her head, “I feel the same way about you, Casey. You have no idea. But I’ll still fix it this weekend. Me missing sleep is one thing, but now that I have this beautiful angel sharing a bed with me, well, it is quite another.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that!”

“Why? Please tell me you aren’t planning on staying in your room, now that we’ve finally….” he asked nervously.

“No, it’s not that, it’s just….”

“Just what?”

“It’s just that your alarm is going to go off in 3, 2, 1….”

Riiiiiiiiinnnnngggggggg…

Tobias jumped out of bed, pulling the sleeping mask off of his eyes because, yes, that damn curtain didn’t close right, but, unfortunately, everything else was a dream.

Knock, knock, knock.

“T? Are you awake?”

“Yeah, one sec!”

He threw on his sweatpants and rushed to answer the bedroom door.

“Hey, what up, Case?”

“Are you OK? You were making a lot of noise in there.”

“Uh… yeah… uhm, did I say anything?”

“You said a lot of things. I just have no idea what.”

“Oh, thank God.”

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, nothing. I was dreaming. I guess I was rambling in my sleep. So what’s up?”

She stood before him, shifting her weight between her two feet nervously, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak.

“You’re scared.”

“What, NO! I’m not scared.”

“OK, you’re… worried?”

“No. It’s more like scared,” she said, pushing past him and collapsing on his bed. “Maybe I can call out?”

“OK, so what do you do tomorrow?”

“Call out.”

“And the next day?” he laughed.

“You have friends at Mass Kenmore. I can transfer my residency. Come on, T! Help me.”

“I am,” he said gingerly, sitting down next to her because even under these innocent pretenses, the idea of being in his bed with her was a bit overwhelming, especially after that dream. “I’m helping you by not letting you run away. Let’s get through this day, and once we do, tomorrow will be easier, and the next day, easier yet.”

“Mmmm. That’s all well and good,” she said, rolling onto her side and leaning on her elbow, “Do you think there is any chance Naveen just told him to take another week off or something.”

“Nope.”

“How do you know?”

“Because Naveen sent me a text telling me he wants to meet with me. He also wants me to set up a time to talk to Ethan today.”

“Oh, fuck, you’re going to the principal's office.”

He chuckled, “I hate it when you’re so adorable.”

“Hmmm… yeah, Casey being a wuss is so cute.”

“HEY! Casey is NEVER a wuss. But she’s allowed to be human. Now, go get dressed; we’re late enough.”

“I hate it when you're this bossy!”

“That’s a shame. Some women in my past really liked it. It was fun.”

“You are… you are, ugh….”

She threw a pillow at him and left the room.

_________________________

Ethan had not spoken to Naveen since Thanksgiving Day. Sitting in his office, he felt like he probably should have, but he wanted to focus on what Naveen asked him to. He chuckled because, of course, Naveen would understand in these circumstances.

“Ethan!” Naveen greeted, “It’s good to have you back!”

“Well, considering my behavior when I was last here, I am pleased to hear you say that.”

“Well, while I was certainly not happy with it, I’m well aware that life happens, and we all have our moments. That said, we have to get beyond them. So, tell me, how was your visit with Alan?”

Ethan smirked, “As if he hasn’t filled you in already.”

Naveen smiled in acknowledgment, “Well, two fathers have to do their part to keep their son on track.”

Feeling like a fool, Ethan hung his head. Naveen was not wrong. He was blessed with two men, one a father by birth, one a father by choice, and they both loved him unconditionally. He also had Casey. HAD. She would have stood by his side through hell and back, but she learned the hard way that she only had a fifty-percent say in that matter; and he was learning the hard way that, when you continuously throw someone away, in time, they may not return. She had granted him chances many times in the past, but his choices were catastrophic this time. Allowing the actions of a woman who was unable to love him to force him to dismiss the one who did so with such passion and adoration, he had yet to grapple with the full impact of it. But at least Alan and Naveen still had his back. And he was determined to mend the bridges he damaged with them.

“I am immensely grateful to the two of you. I could say my father has no choice in the matter, but my mother has proven time and again that biology doesn’t mean that you have to stay. Both of you have made a deliberate choice to be there for me and to…” his voice cracked, “to love me, and I want you to know how grateful I am.”

“Oh, my boy. There is no need to thank us. That is how love works. How many times have you refused to give up on me when you could have. I’ll always do the same for you. But, there are more unpleasant matters to discuss.”

“I know.”

“Your team, son, and the patients you serve. They cannot be impacted by the troubles you are having, nor by the team's dynamics. If you feel you cannot function now, then perhaps we should consider a temporary leave.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary.”

“Well, if things improve, I certainly won’t force it. But, I would like to ask you to get counseling, and I do have the ability to make that contingent on your employment, but I don’t want to do that, Ethan. Have you… have you reconsidered.”

“I have given it thought and,” he sighed, “I’m not in a place where I am open to it, and I feel that would make it an exercise in futility at this point. You can mandate it, but will I gain anything if my heart is not in it.”

“And why wouldn’t you try?

“I wouldn’t try because… I’m not ready to try.”

“Sometimes, if we force ourselves to do something, eventually, we hear the lesson even if we weren’t fully listening.”

Ethan looked up, tears brimming in his eyes, “Naveen. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face the consequences and, right now, I feel it may even do more harm than good. Do you understand that?”

“No. To be honest, I don’t. Aghh… but, against my better judgment, I am going to give you 30-days. If I see an improvement, professionally and personally, I will not mandate it within that time. But if I don’t, you’ll leave me no choice. I hope you’ll decide to go on your own at some point. Until then, I’m always here for you, and I’m happy to see that you’re receptive to that once again.”

Ethan smiled because, although he was no longer the man he was just months before, he wasn’t who he was a week ago, and he was proud of that improvement.

“Now, about the team. It is a mess. Casey, Tobias… you can’t be warring with them. I’ll need to make changes if you can’t all work together.”

“In fairness to them, they did nothing wrong. They never acted unprofessionally, and they never did anything to antagonize me. I have to accept that responsibility. I need to talk to them both, and, honestly, I dread it on several fronts but, it’s necessary.”

“Yes. It is. I have invited Tobias to the meeting, I’d like to talk to you both together, but you should speak alone as well. As to Casey, I’ll leave that up to you if you want me involved.”

Ethan sighed, “I’ll talk to her alone and… if needed, I’ll bring you in. I think it’s best she continues to report to you, at least for the time being.”

“I agree. And I think it’s best I at least have a hand in overseeing Tobias until you’re … on track… as well. Are we in agreement?”

“Yes, we are.”

“Very well. Ah, my assistant just notified me that Tobias has arrived.”

“I guess I need to bite this bullet.”

Naveen smiled. “You do.”

Tobias stuck his head in the office, a bit surprised to see Ethan there.

“Oh, Dr. Carrick, please, come in. Take a seat.”

“Thank you, Dr. Banerji. Ethan.”

“Tobias,” he nodded.

Once Tobias was seated, Ethan addressed him directly.

“Before we begin, I need to say that I am … I apologize for my behavior last week… I … It was based on a gut emotional reaction that, frankly, was out of line, and it certainly was not professional. Whatever any of our feelings may be in a personal capacity, they cannot be brought here.”

Tobias appeared surprised and looked between Ethan and Naveen, trying to discern if he was sincere or put up to this.

“Well, I appreciate that Ethan, and, to be honest, while I did not instigate the altercation, I could have handled it better. I could have walked away. I felt I could handle it professionally and, as the results show, I did not.”

“Well, I appreciate both of your candor,” Naveen interjected. “And I expect you to work together to determine how you will be rectifying things going forward. You have an obligation to the hospital and your patients. If I see you not fixing this, I will. Now, I think we’ve said all we need to; for now, you’re both free to go.”

“Naveen, could I ask you if I can use this space, privately, for just a moment to speak with Dr. Carrick? It will only be a few minutes.”

Naveen looked nervously between the two before agreeing. “I will be right outside.”

Ethan turned to Tobias, his expression unreadable, and Tobias kept on a poker face as well.

“Tobias, right now… in light of… (sigh)… I don’t know where things stand with us. We have recently moved toward being friends again, and I want us to be, but now… I …”

“Now, I have told you that I am in love with Casey. So, this makes for a challenging, an uncomfortable situation.”

Ethan didn’t answer.

“For what it’s worth, I have tried not to have these feelings, Ethan. But, it’s not something you just turn off. I didn’t ask for them, and I cannot snap my fingers and rid myself of them.”

“But you can choose whether or not you act on them.”

“And, to date, I have not. For what it’s worth, it’s taken more fortitude than I ever thought I had in me, but I have not.”

Ethan stood up and walked to look out the window.

“In advance, I know I have no right to ask this, so if you chose not to answer, I accept that, but… do you plan to?”

Tobias rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “Plan to? No. Promise not to? I’m sorry, Ethan, but I can’t commit to that. I don’t intend to, mostly because I never want to put my friendship with Casey in jeopardy, but I’ve never felt like this before, and I can’t make any promises. I hope you understand, having this level of honesty with you is difficult at best, but I feel it’s better than lying.”

“Did you love her… did you love her before… she and I were over?”

Tobias stayed silent at first.

“I did. But I never disrespected what you had. At that point, my answer to your question would have been no. I would have never dreamed of pursuing Casey. But, Ethan, you are the one who let her go. Forced her to go. I can’t be responsible for what you did. Especially when I begged you to fix it.”

Silence descended on the room again. It was as if each man was absorbing the previously hidden truth. Now that it was released into the open, it could never be taken back.

“Thank you for your honesty, Tobias. I’m not happy, but you’re not wrong. I let her go, and if she moves on with you or someone else, that is just something that I have to accept.”

“I never wanted to hurt you, Ethan. That’s not what this is about.”

“Oddly enough,” he chuckled, “I believe you..”

“Well,” Ethan began again, “why don’t we get to work. I guess… you and I … we have to see where things settle. I don’t hate you, Tobias.”

Tobias half smiled, “I don’t hate you either, bud… Ethan. I don’t hate you at all. But I’ll reserve “buddy” until a day I know that you want to hear it.”

Ethan nodded, “That sounds good, Carrick. That sounds good.”

____________________

Casey was purposefully lurking in the hallway near Naveen’s office. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Tobias walking down the hall. He smiled when he saw her, and she motioned toward a vacant patient's room.

“So,” she asked tentatively, ‘how did it go?”

“Far better than expected. I mean, I’d have liked some time alone with Naveen, but I can always arrange that.”

“Wait, weren’t you with Naveen?”

“Yeah, but Ethan was there too.”

Her eyes went wide, “Oh. And, uh, how did that go?”

Tobias looked down with her, a tender look on his face. If you only knew, sweetheart.

“It went far better than expected. I hope this leads to… well, working together without incident but also to some sort of healing.”

She smiled, “So do I.”

She reached over and hugged him, without even realizing she was doing it. Her eyes widened as her head lay on his chest, suddenly feeling like she should almost apologize. Tobias’s hands remained at his sides for a moment, a little taken aback that she hugged him, so spontaneously, at the hospital. But he quickly closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. Some moments he felt like his feelings for her were so intense that he would explode, and this was one of those moments

There was a crashing sound at the door as Maureen walked in to set the room up for a new patient.

“Maureen!” Casey said, pulling away from Tobias. “Oh, uhm, Maureen… this isn’t what it looks like, it….”

“Casey,” she smiled, “you don’t need to give me an explanation.”

“Oh, but I, ah... I do.. ahh….” She found herself at a loss for words.

“Maureen, I think we do. Casey and I were just dealing with a difficult situation. We’re friends. That’s all. We’re just friends.”

Case felt herself go tense. He said it so sharply, so convincingly, and she was taken aback by how much it hurt her to hear it.

“It’s just the rumor mill, and I know you know what happened with Ethan and me and, I don’t need….”

“Guys, relax. I will admit, I listen to the rumor mill, but I never add to it. I know you’ve been friends for a while. But, be careful, others won’t be so kind.”

“Thank you, Maureen, it’s appreciated,” Casey smiled.

When they stepped out into the hallway, Casey had tears in her eyes; it was clear she was on the verge of crying.

“T, I’m, I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to cause you any…” she wiped her eyes to stop a tear from falling.

“Hey, Casey,” he said. He jerked forward for a moment before stopping himself. He just wanted to comfort her so badly. “Casey, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Please tell me you know that.” “Mmmm. Mmmm-hmmm,” she answered, “Mmmm-hmmm, I know. I… I…” she looked up at him and smiled, “Why don’t we just get to work, OK?”

“OK?” He said, barely a whisper, as she turned and rushed away.

____________________

The day was almost over, and Casey had successfully avoided Ethan. She had under an hour left, and she was genuinely looking forward to a quiet night at home. Even though she felt like she needed to address her awkward encounter with Tobias this morning, it was something she was having trouble understanding herself. She was almost on the elevator when he called to her.

“Casey. Casey!”

She turned around slowly. Well, on an up note, she could just get this over with today. She plastered on her best fake smile.

“Hi, Ethan.”

“Hi, I hate to bother you, but could we go to the office? I promise not to take too much of your time.”

“Sure,” she said, turning on her heel and making her way down the hall, Ethan at her side.

Walking together in the hallways used to be a challenge. Their desire to hold each other's hands never went away. They knew they were probably standing a bit too closely, and most of the time, the smiles on their face alone gave the gossips something to talk about. And here they were today, still providing fodder for the gossip mill. Only now, it was because of the way they stood so far apart, their stony expressions as they glanced straight ahead, the fact that there was no interaction between them at all. Casey could see several staff members smirk at them, at her in particular, as they passed them. She learned to ignore it as much as possible, but it still hurt. She resented Ethan for it, even though she knew she was just as much at fault. She couldn’t wait to go public, but that is when she thought that he was her forever. It felt so cruel. Three years, three years of a silent love they shared, only to have it fall apart a mere six months after everyone finally knew. God, she felt like a fool. So many people reveled in it. Some thought she wasn’t good enough for him, and others were jealous. Whatever the reason, she found it shocking how many reveled in her heartbreak.

They made their way to the office, and Casey headed for the chair across from Ethan’s desk, but she turned around when he sat at the conference table. She walked back and sat across from him. She noted that he looked disappointed that she didn’t sit next to him. He had pushed the chair out for that purpose. Sorry, Dr. Ramsey. That’s not happening. Not right now.

“Casey,” he stated, “I am sitting here feeling very embarrassed and like more of a fool than you can imagine.”

She remained silent while looking at him. Well, over his shoulder, actually, she still couldn’t bring herself to look directly in his face.

“I was wrong the other day, and I was quite cruel with the things I said, the insinuations I made. I know an apology won’t cut it, but it’s what I have to offer you right now.”

“OK, apology accepted. Do we need to discuss anything else?”

“Well, yeah… I … I also need to figure out how we will be able to work together. You know how valuable you are to our team, and our patients need you. I don’t want you to feel like it’s uncomfortable to be here.”

“Ethan, stop. Please. For the time being, there is no way that it will be comfortable for me. We may be quite far away from that. Who knows if it will ever be. For now, though, I’m here, and you’re here, and we just have to make it work. But don’t ask me to profess that it is, or that it will be, easy. Because it’s not.”

“Fair enough. I know that after we… after we broke up….”

“After you broke up with me! Please, get that right and say it properly. I’m sick of hearing it any other way.”

“OK. I… I know I paired you and Tobias on most cases, but I thought perhaps I should rotate them. I don’t expect you to partner with me unless necessary, but maybe with Harper a bit more, and Tobias can be with me a bit more… just to try to get back to normal.”

“You’re the Director of the team. Do as you see fit.”

He smiled weakly, looking down. “Just one more thing before you go.”

“Yes.”

“I’m, I’m sorry for how badly I hurt you, Casey, I….”

She abruptly jumped up from her seat.

“No. No, Ethan. You don’t get to do that. Not now, certainly not here.”

“I’m sorry, I just, I never realized how bad….”

“You didn’t? You didn’t? Because if I had done to you what you did to me, how do you think it would have impacted you? How would it have felt to have the one person who promised to love you, to protect your heart, decided to shatter it… for no reason. Ethan, I wasn’t hurt. I was nearly destroyed. I credit my loved ones, my friends, for helping me to stay afloat. I’m stronger than I thought. I’m grateful for that, but I’ll never be grateful for how I had to learn it. Now, look, I wish you no malice, but I am nowhere near prepared to have this sort of a conversation with you and, I beg you, please don’t force me to.”

“Of course. I’m sorry, I won’t let it happen again.”

She gave him a forced smile and quickly ran out of the room.

Ethan remained seated, just staring at the chair where she had been sitting. He recalled the way her eyes used to light up when she saw him. God, it went back to when she started at Edenbrook, her first day at the vending machine with him, and almost all the times after. And now, he saw the dread on her face every time he approached her. The worst part of all, he couldn’t blame her. Not one bit. And now, Tobias loved her. He shook his head. What did he expect? Maybe he didn’t think it would be Tobias, but he knew it would be someone, and he should have known it wouldn’t take long. How does anyone know Casey and not love her? Falling in love, it’s an easy trip. This is what he wanted, and now, he had to learn to live with his choices. With his poor, regrettable choices.

____________________

Casey could smell the aroma from the moment she stepped off the elevator. Tobias was making chicken pot pie. For all that he raved about his eggplant parmesan, Casey would sacrifice several people she loved for his chicken pot pie. It was that good. But he was making it on a “school night,” as he would say. Unusual. She opened the door and headed to the kitchen.

“Hey, T. Are you making… wow you are! This is such a nice surprise.”

“Hey, kid,” he smiled. “I know you had a rough day, and I wanted to do something to make you smile.”

“Well, you do have a way of making me smile. I hope you know how much I appreciate it.”

“I do. So, why don’t you rest and….”

“Tobias, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For.. for the weird way I interacted with you today. I don’t know what came over me.”

“I told you earlier, you have nothing to apologize for. You got rattled. It’s understandable. Can we please file this under F for forgotten?”

“We can.”

“Good. Now, I can still hug you, right?”

“God, I hope so,” she said as she walked into his arms. “It’s just been a draining day.”

“Well, go sit on the couch. What do you say we take dinner in front of the TV today?”

“We can do that.”

Ten minutes later, they were sitting on the floor of the living room, enjoying their meal. There was over 3,000 square foot of condo surrounding them. There were numerous places to sit and eat, but this had become their little thing.

“Hey, did you see we got our invites to the Edenbrook Holiday party?”

“No, I didn’t see them yet. When is it?”

“In two weeks. A little early this year. Apparently, they figured they’d get a better turn out, fewer people having days off and all.”

“Oh, that’s good. You’re going, right?”

“Yes, I planned on. I’m assuming you are too?”

“Oh, yeah. My friends would kill me if I didn’t. Are… are you bringing anyone?”

“No. No, I mean, it’s a work event. There is no need. Right?”

“Yeah. Right.”

“I, I assume you’re going stag as well. I mean, it’s just an assumption, but….”

“Oh, yeah. Definitely. I mean,” she laughed nervously, “could you imagine.”

“Well, it would be your choice.”

“I know. But I’m going to make the most of it. I think I’ll go dress shopping with the girls this weekend. Go all out. How about here. What do you normally do here for the holidays? Do you put up a tree?”

“It’s my first year in this place, but I hadn’t thought of it. I guess I could call someone and have some decorations brought in.”

“Wha… what? Brought in? What kind of talk is that? The only ones bringing in decorations will be you and me. What are we, royalty?”

He laughed, “I have never had anyone around who cared about the holidays, not since I was home with my parents. This is a little new to me.”

“So that settles it. We’re both off Saturday night. After dress shopping, we will be getting a tree.”

“I love it when you're bossy!”

She shoved him playfully but didn’t retort. Probably because she was exhausted, he could tell just by looking at her eyes.

“Hey, Case, go to sleep, hun. I’ll clean up. I can tell you're spent.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Not at all, get.”

“OK, I owe you one.”

“You don’t owe me a thing.”

“Good night, T, and thank you.”

Casey felt a feeling of melancholy as she walked down the long hallway that led to her room. She sat in the shower and turned on the hot water. God, she loved this fancy bathroom with its built-in shower bench. She was way too tired to stand. As the steam enveloped her, her mind kept wandering back to the hug she shared with Tobias in the kitchen. Then it traveled back to the awkward one, that turned simply lovely, then around to awkward again this morning. Thinking of it made her smile, but the smile quickly faded.

We’re friends, that’s all. We’re just friends.

Those words he spoke played on a loop in her head. Every intonation etched in her memory. Tobias had always been kind to her. He was always flirtatious and affectionate, not only with her but with everyone. Why did she allow herself to think that he might feel more for her? And, why did she even care if he didn’t? Oh, she knew why. She knew very well. But it wasn’t important, at least that’s what she kept telling herself as she attempted to drift to sleep that night. It didn’t matter if he didn’t want her. She didn’t want him. Right?

______________________

Dress shopping with Sienna and Jackie was precisely what Casey needed. Silliness and laughter followed them everywhere they went. After trying on what felt like 1,000 dresses, Casey selected a stunning burgundy velvet gown. It was honestly spectacular, although she felt a little embarrassed about how she came to make her choice. She admitted, to herself only, that she recalled a drunken conversation she and T had with Bryce a long while ago. Tobias had mentioned that he loved velvet dresses. Not only did they look beautiful, but he insisted it was so much fun when he rubbed the fabric and whatever was underneath. She also knew burgundy was his favorite color. I’m such an idiot. She thought. He’s not going to be rubbing your dress, Casey. He’s not your date, Casey. You’re losing your mind, Casey.

“Casey. Casey. Casey.” Sienna snapped her fingers in front of her face.

“Oh, oh! I’m sorry, what?”

“The waitress,” she said, pointing, “standing right there. You ready to order?”

“Oh, just a grilled cheese. Thanks.”

“You have been zoning out a lot today, girl. Everything ok?” Jackie asked.

“Oh, yeah, I guess I’m just tired. Especially today, trying on so many dresses. It does get exhausting after a while.”

“Well, it was worth the effort because, damn, girl… yours is fiiiiinnnne. You’re going to turn every head in the hospital that night, and I say, WORK IT.”

“Thank you, Jackie!”

“Hey, Casey, do you want to come over tonight? We can watch movies. I’ll make you dinner; it’s been forever,” Sienna asked.

“Oh, I’d love to, but Tobias and I are going Christmas tree shopping.”

“Oh, you and Tobias are going to get a tree! Oh, maybe I should tag along! We need one too!”

“No, Sienna!” Jackie exclaimed. “Aurora and I already told you. WE will pick out the tree. Our tiny apartment cannot handle the 7-foot monstrosity you’d probably come home with. Besides,” she smirked, “we don’t want to intrude on a potentially romantic evening.”

“Oooooohhhh, right!” Sienna smiled.

“Guys. I’m going to get a tree with Tobias. There is no romantic evening.”

“Casey, I think it’s time you opened your eyes. The man has got it bad for you! And… I think you might have a little something-something for him too….”

Sienna’s eyes widened, but she didn’t say a word as her eyes shifted back and forth between her two friends.

“I’m not entertaining this conversation again, Jackie. Tobias and I are friends. Period.”

“Does everything have to be this dragged-out drama with you? It took three years to come around and admit you and Ramsey were a thing. Do me a favor? Let’s not relive that, OK?”

Casey sat back in her chair and glanced up at the ceiling, a bit exasperated.

“Jackie… OK. I have feelings for him. OK. I do! But, I don’t think….”

Jackie had already spit out her ginger ale.

“FINALLY! Admitting it is the first step! Sienna! She admitted it…wait… you’re not surprised! You knew! You two have been keeping secrets!!!”

“Not for long, and I swore her to secrecy.”

“Casey, GO FOR IT. The guy is like in love with you, and he’s so good to you. And oh my God, you would look SO amazing together. And I just have this feeling… I bet he’s an animal in bed.”

“Oh, Jackie!!! Stop it!”

“Casey, I have to interject here. I think he likes you at least as much as you like him, if not more. Why not… go for it. I mean, you have this incredibly sexy gown, and we have a big old gala, and you’re both going alone….”

“And I can’t believe I’m going to say this corny Hallmark shit. It should be Sienna, but maybe a little Christmas magic….”

Casey sighed, “If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. If it’s not, it won’t. I’m not forcing anything. Now, if we could get the bill… I have a Christmas tree shopping date tonight.”

“A date! You heard that right, Jackie. She said a date!”

“That’s not what I, ugh. Waitress!!!!”

__________________

Casey and Tobias burst through the door with a 10-foot tree in tow. They were both hysterical, laughing at all the crazy maneuvering they had to go through on the subway, city streets, lobby, and elevator to get this into the apartment. Tobias thought it was a crazy idea at first, but now he just loved it.

“So, now that we carried the Rockefeller Christmas tree up here, what do we do with it?”

“Uhh… we put it up and decorate it. T, how long has it been for you.”

“Oh, Jesus Case, usually when a beautiful woman is asking me that question, it is not about when I last put up a tree,” he laughed.

“Oh?” She said, blushing, “Well, I’m sure the answer is never too long on that one!”

“In the past, no, it wasn’t… and that is the most I am going to say on that matter,” he chuckled. “Come on, let’s get this bad boy in place.”

Together they got the tree into its stand, and now the branches were settling. Tobias was becoming giddy. Casey had no idea he would get into the holiday spirit so much. Honestly, he didn’t know it himself.

“We should probably put on some Christmas music, right?”

“That sounds good.”

“OK, I’ll get it set up right now. Oh, and cookies, I have Pillsbury cookie dough in the fridge. Sugarcookie dough! Should I make some?”

“Sure, we can pretend we’re Santa, and it is Christmas Eve. You’re getting into the spirit, Carrick! I am loving this!”

“Well, this is fun! Can we decorate the tree tonight?”

Casey laughed, “It needs to settle, at least a couple of hours. But we will probably be asleep by then, so why don’t we plan on doing it tomorrow night? But, if you want, we can put the lights on before we go to bed tonight?”

“OK, we can do that! But wait, we don’t have lights.”

“Well, you’re in luck because I have some! They’re packed in a box in my room. How about I go get them, and you make us some cookies?”

“Deal and deal. Hot chocolate or milk?

“Why not both?”

Casey entered her walk-in closet. It was about the size of her old bedroom. There were only four boxes of seasonal items that she hadn’t unpacked yet. She grabbed the one with tiny Christmas tree’s drawn all over it – that was Sienna’s way of labeling the boxes for moving.

A goofy grin appeared on her face when she saw the first item, a silly Santa hat with reindeer antlers sticking out the side and tiny fairy lights adorning them. She had to get another! Considering how much Tobias loved photo booths, she was confident he would love this. There is no question about it. They could take a zillion selfies. This was going to blow up Pictagram! Underneath the hat was the jumbled mess of Christmas tree lights.

Oh, detangling the lights. My least favorite part of the holiday decorating.

But she was sure that she and Tobias would make it fun somehow. They always did. She carefully lifted the lights out of the box, not wanting to damage any bulbs. She noticed something else at the bottom and did a double take. She put down the lights and let out a deep sigh lifting the elegant box in her hands. She had completely forgotten about this. It was a Christmas gift she had purchased for Ethan earlier in the year.

He often talked about his favorite vacation. He visited Venice, Italy, around the holidays about five years ago. While there, he was fortunate enough to see a special performance of La Traviata at the Teatro La Fenice. He always told her it was the most magical night of his life until he met her. The performance was recorded that evening, and he had tried tirelessly to find a copy, but he was never successful. Casey searched and searched, and she squealed when she finally found it. She was so excited when it arrived that she almost gave it to him there and then. But when she thought of his face opening it next to the Christmas tree, she decided it would be worth the wait. Lesson learned. Don’t wait. Who knew when she packed the gift away that Ethan would leave her just a week later. She was supposed to be unpacking this box at his place, but… well… it was an old story. She didn’t know what to do with it now, so she put it back in the box for safekeeping until she could give it more thought. This also reminded her, she needed to get Tobias a gift too. She had no idea what to get him. It was time for a call to Vivian.

She returned to the living room with the lights in hand, and Tobias’s face fell.

“We have to detangle those, don’t we?”

“I’m sorry to say, we do.”

“And then we have to wrap them, evenly, around the tree, right?”

“Yep, hoping that no bulbs go out in the process.”

“This is coming back to me; this is why I thought we should hire people for this.”

“I think we can manage together,” she smiled.

“Yeah, I think you and I can manage most things together pretty well.”

“We do make a good team.” She looked down and blushed, “But these lights may put that to the test. Let’s reconvene later this evening to decide for sure.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m putting $20 on us,” Tobias smiled.

Once again, they proved to be an excellent team. By the end of the night, the tree was perfectly lit, perfectly adorned with lights. It looked spectacular against his wall of windows with the Boston skyline twinkling behind it.

The two of them sat next to each other on the couch, perfectly stuffed with cookies, cocoa, and milk, and stared at the beautiful sight together.

“You know, nothing in the world makes me happier than when the Christmas tree is the only light lit in the room. It’s just… magic.”

Magic is any room with you in it, Casey. He thought.

Everything was perfect. Well, almost. Each of them imagined how it could be just a little more perfect. He could have his arm around her. She could be nuzzled up against his chest. He could be kissing her forehead and, when it was time to turn the lights out, they could be heading to the same bedroom. That would be perfect. At the exact moment, they turned and gazed into each other’s eyes.

Tobias felt his heart racing. Casey’s flesh just tingled, but she smiled shyly and quickly turned away. Tobias looked down at her hand, remembering how warm it felt in his as he held it for most of the ride home from her parent’s home. But Casey had initiated it… while she was asleep… and he didn’t even know if she was aware that it had happened. But it did. And to him, it was one of the most magical things that ever happened to him.

“The tree looks so beautiful,” she said.

Not as beautiful as you, Casey.

“It does. We did a good job.”

“You’re right; we always do,” she smiled.

They faced each other again. Their faces were no more than a foot apart. Each felt as if a magnet was drawing them to each other. They could honestly feel the tension in the air. Oh, just give in. Each of them thought.

Then he turned away.

“Well, it’s late….”

“Uh, yeah, it is. We should go to sleep, I guess.”

“Yeah,” he said, standing. “Oh, look, you left your new dress hanging on the hook in the hallway. Let me get it. You should put it in your room, don’t want anything happening to it.”

When he got to the dress, curiosity got the better of him. He smiled sheepishly as he unzipped the garment bag.

“T! Are you peeking at my dress!” Casey giggled.

“Hey, it’s not a wedding gown! And I’m curious.”

His breath clinched when he saw the stunning burgundy velvet gown before him.

“Wow, now that’s… something.” He reached forward and touched the fabric… “Velvet.”

Casey's cheeks turned almost the same color as the dress.

“Yeah, it’s very popular around the holidays.”

Tobias swallowed as he zipped the bag back up. He took it off the hook and then draped it carefully over Casey’s arm.

“Well, I can’t wait to see you in it.”

He stared at her for a moment before whispering, “Good night, Casey.”

He leaned over and placed the gentlest of kisses on her forehead. Casey’s heart almost stopped. But Tobias knew his resolve was virtually gone, so he anxiously turned and began walking down the hall.

Casey watched him as he retreated down the hall.

“T!” she called, almost desperately.

At the door to his room, he turned to her.

“I… I didn’t get to say good-night. Goodnight.”

The sweetest smile crossed his lips. “Goodnight, princess. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Casey cradled the gown in her arms and headed to her room. She hung the dress on the back of her door before walking over and collapsing on her bed. She stared at the ceiling and lamented every single opportunity that she let pass her by tonight.

Just across the hall, Tobias laid flat on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He cursed himself for each time he could have told her, could have kissed her. So many chances were given to him, but he didn’t take a single one, and he wondered if he ever would.

Permatags: @adiehardfan @barbean @binny1985 @bluebelle08 @bluerosesbloom @brokenmemoriesblog @charisworld @custaroonie @everybodyscreamsposts @izzyourresidentlawyer @jennieausten @kachrisberry @kalinahonore @lady-calypso @liaromancewriter @mia143 @mjlbwork @mm2305 @phoenixrising308 @pixelberrygirl @schnitzelbutterfingers @secretaryunpaid @shewillreadyou @shygirl4295 @thegreentwin @txfledglingscribe @wanderingamongthewildflowers

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

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More DTI Tags in comments.

#open heart #delaying the inevitable #ethan ramsey #tobias carrick #ethan ramsey x mc #tobias carrick x mc #choices fan fic #playchoices fan fic #choices fic writers creations #fics of the week #cfwc fics of the week #love triangle

[chaotic-bells]

I was tagged by @imbellarosa and @justalarryblog 😊 thank you! And sorry for the delay and rambling lol

my check in tag

This is a bit long... so I’ll just add the break not to bother people with my ramblings. 

1. Why did you choose your url? I created tumblr because of a fanfic, and I've been reading them since I was 11. And I will always love fanfic. Fanfic is the answer to all life's problems and bad canons. I can't imagine living in the world where I don't have fanfic to continue a world I love or to fix issues in a world that was promising, or just to wait until the next bit of canon came out. You have to imagine I started reading fanfic when there were only 2 Harry Potter books available and I was waiting for the translation of the third one (that came out end of 2000, and yes I was reading fics by then). So yeah... I wanted something related to fanfics, and I really am terrible about online identities. Probably should've used something more creative, but oh well. I like it well enough now, it is one that applies to all fandoms I love.

2. Any side-blogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them. Yes, I have @randomsideposts as my attempt to create a tag system and save my favorite posts. I failed. I also have @kenshin-and-maki for my cats, and a third unnamed one as sort of a journal/vent blog, for those times I just need to write stuff down and I don't want to keep things to myself. No one follows me and that's the way I like it. It's kind of dark.

3. How long have you been on tumblr? A year and a half only lol a baby by Tumblr standards.

4: Do you have a queue tag? Me? Organization? What? Jokes aside, I don't really like queueing stuff. I'm either here or I'm not. I'll schedule a post for a random future time, just so I don't forget the post, but a time I know I'll be online to interact with it/the reactions to it. I do that when (for example) Louis posts and I see posts that are not related to that that I'd like to reblog, but not right at that moment.

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place? Because of a cute Larry fic where Louis and Harry become mutuals without knowing they're the other one. I liked the dynamic they described of how Tumblr worked and I wanted to see if it really was like that, because my previous experiences with Tumblr were... confusing enough that I didn't stick around for more than 20 minutes.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp? It's Louis and Liam, who are definitely my favorites. Don't get me wrong, I love all the boys, but Liam and Louis (and their friendship) are just really special to me. And this pic is just... so cute. Also, @whatagreatproblemtohave and @evilovesyou demanded either me or @promisethatillnevertell change our profile picture, and that we should duel to see who would keep it because it was getting confusing lol (it was one of the outtakes of the House of Solo photoshoot). I would never fight Lou so I changed it. And I love it because it has my two boys 😁💕

7. Why did you choose your header? Because the livestream was so awesome and even if it's blurry i like it. Also, I never use the desktop version of Tumblr so it's probably a mess, but I like what I see on my mobile so it'll stay.

8. Whats your post with the most notes? Probably my Youtube comments about Louis? I know it has over 1k notes, which... wow.  Also, my little wistful post about keeping the livestream format after lockdown did ok too.

9. How many mutuals do you have? No clue, but I love them all.

10. How many followers do you have? 900 or so.

11. How many people do you follow? 654 blogs

12. Have you ever made a shitpost? Who hasn't?

13. How often do you use tumblr a day? No clue, dozens of times. I won't scroll too far down, just enough to distract me for a couple minutes while I'm waiting for something to load or if my brain needs a break from work.

14. Did you once have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won? I've argued before with a Liam blog at the end of the LP Show 2, but it was a misunderstanding, I didn't express myself the way I wanted to. Pretty sure a bunch of Liam blogs have me blocked because of it still. Other than that, I'm pretty peaceful, and I really try to just stay out of drama.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog” posts? I hate them. It is a passive aggressive way of someone thinking their opinion is better than yours, usually has a comment like "if you don't reblog you don't care about this" or "I don't care if it doesn't fit my blog asthetic, I'll reblog it anyway". Congrats? Do you want a star for it? I'll reblog it if I think it has important information, despite these annoying comments, but only once. If it's a post I've seen multiple times, then everyone saw it multiple times.

16. Do you like tag games? Love them, but recently I've been a bit lax. Once you start saving them in your drafts, it snowballs into unmanageable levels.

17. Do you like ask games? I love them, but whenever I reblog one I only get 1 or 2 asks. :(

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? I... don't really care enough about that to keep track lol

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual? Yes, but I won't put them on the spot

20. Tags? I don’t know if you’ve done this before, so feel free to ignore it? As usual @promisethatillnevertell @whatagreatproblemtohave @technicallysideacc @maybe-i-missyou @vintageumbroshirt @thedevilinmybrain @beckydoesthings

#tag games

[izzyizumi]

Digimon Adventure [2020] featuring CHARACTER Koushiro[u] Izumi [Koushiro “Izzy” Izumi in US dub] (+relationship with) [+IZUMI FAMILY]; + IMPORTANT DIALOGUES & SIGNIFICANT MOMENTS

“Seems like our area isn’t affected.” “And the internet’s still working.” “Oh yeah, I still have a connection...” - Taichi (Note: 2020 Koushiro’s initial profile states he lives in the same apartment building as 2020 Taichi this series.)

“But wouldn’t your family be surprised?” (Likely Implication: “by us?”) “They should be, but...”

(After Koushiro initially seems to spend most of the morning/day in the park, before Sora arrives, talking about her Mom/getting home) “Koushiro-kun, were you ok?” (Likely Implication: “at home?”) - Sora “My house, is, um...” - Koushiro - he notably trails off before he can finish the sentence (they’re next distracted by the ongoing crisis)

- in the 4th ending theme, we see shots of the kids at their homes; Koushiro can notably be seen in a Japanese apartment-styled bathroom.

“Some sort of pain that can only be understood by the ones LEFT BEHIND. In people and Digimon too.” “...Koushiro-han?...” - Kabuterimon, clearly concerned tone “Oh... No, it’s nothing.” - Koushiro immediately deflecting

Original Poster’s [Mine] Commentary:

Koushiro + HIDING THINGS.

(He also did this IN Adventure...): {Japanese version}:

“Do you have interest in WHO you are, Koushiro-han?” - Tentomon, in Adv Ep #5, curiously just before Koushiro next slips into flashback-mode, revealing to the viewers his ADOPTION backstory. (A similar sequence happens at the beginning of Adventure Episode #31, when he talks to Tentomon, then completely having ZONED OUT) [not having revealed ANYTHING about his flashbacks/family situation to Tentomon yet.]:

- Koushiro in Adv Episode 31, realizing he worried his parents while keeping secrets:

“I wish that Koushiro would act more spoiled and unreasonable

instead of always keeping it INSIDE

like a GOOD BOY.”

- Mrs. Izumi, to Mr. Izumi, worriedly, in her concern

“Don’t you THINK SO?”

“...I’m sorry for worrying you.” - Koushiro, thinking to himself, looking ashamed

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#digimon adventure #digimon adventure 2020 #koushiro izumi #izzy izumi #tentomon #izumi family #yoshie izumi #2020 koushiro #koura friendship #2020 koushiro gifs #koushiros story is about adoption #koushiros story is about found family #(THATS IT) #(THATS Koushiros story IN ALL MEDIA WITH HIM) #(IT IS NOT Hard) #(to understand!!!) #(The entire point!!! of Koushiros backstory!!! Is!!! He WANTS TO KNOW) #(WHO HE IS) #(He became absorbed into and rELIED ON as 2020 explained his computer) #(BECAUSE OF THIS Backstory) #(but then Mr Izumi notably and POINTEDLY TELLS HIM) #('It's not wrong to be OBSESSED WITH Computers!!!') #('It's a part of WHO YOU Are.') #(and they tell him he DOESN'T HAVE TO CHANGE for them) #(even Tentomon in the final episode tells him) #('you don't have to push yourself to say the words') #(THATS IT Koushiro Izumi is a GOOD AND POLITE BOY who) #(has trouble expressing his feelings and tends to withdraw into himself) #(while he deals with learning he's adopted and figuring out how to navigate) #(the world!!! and communicating with his friends! thats it!!! THATS his story)

[direwolf-summer]

hiiiii! okay so not to be creepy but of course I checked your reblog of my answer about Spanish nicknames and the Marauders - and now I really wanna read your opinions about the Chinese version, so if you don't mind sharing it???? <3

Haha tysm I’m really flattered that you checked my tags in the reblog, V! I’m glad to see you talking about the Spanish translation of HP because translation has always been one of my biggest passions. I’ve done some professional translating here and there, but mostly I translate wolfstar fics from English to Chinese (not to embarrass myself here but I actually hold official Chinese-English translator certificate aka CATTI which means technically I can earn a living in translation if I want but hey, the only right way to use it is to apply myself in translating wolfstar fics right?). To my knowledge HP is probably the most translated books in the world other than Bible, so it would be fun if native speakers of different languages can gather together and compare notes!

Before we start, it should be noted that this is only the mandarin (simplified Chinese) version translated by Ma Aixin & Ma Ainong. There also exists a traditional Chinese version, and although I know most of the characters’ names and curses through indirect means I have never actually read the books, so I cannot in good conscience make a fair judgement. Friends from Taiwan and HongKong, the floor is all yours! @greywolfandmoon 😘

So, let’s start from the good things, shall we? I think it is fair to say that the simplified Chinese version of HP is overall well translated: the translator is a pair of sisters experienced in translating children’s books, the prose is plain but engaging enough for younger readers, and some of the proper nouns are translated quite ingeniously, if I do say so myself. For example, the name Diagon Alley is translated into 对角巷, preserving both the phonetics and the meaning, which is almost impossible in most cases and is therefore quite remarkable.

This is the thing with English-Chinese translation: because the two languages are so far away from each other in the language family tree, most of the time when you translate a proper noun (like a character’s name or the name of a place) you can only choose to preserve one thing: either how it sounds like, or what it means. That is why we Chinese readers never had the “aha” moment when Tom Riddle revealed to Harry that he was, in fact, Voldemort, about which I’m forever bitter. The general practice for translating a character’s name into Chinese is based on how it’s pronounced, but due to the multitude of Chinese characters under the same pronunciation, it is a test of the translator’s capability and imagination to choose the best one that can embody at least some of the meanings. Fortunately for the more common names like James and Peter, the Xinhua News Agency has published a reference list.

Sirius and Remus, on the other hand, fall into the more unfortunate category because their names are too unusual. 😂 Sirius is particularly unlucky (sorry handsome) because when his name first appeared (in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone) it was written as “young Sirius Black”, so the translator thought, oh, it must the Junior one then, and went on to translate it into 小天狼星·布莱克, which literally means “junior celestial wolf star” - yeah we had wolfstar right there. 🤣 But it doesn’t make any sense to translate “Sirius” literally but “Black” phonetically. And for the record, Sirius is the only Black who has this kind of special treatment. The other Black family members, despite all sharing the weird posh naming tradition, were translated phonetically. I mean, we didn’t see Regulus’s name translated as 轩辕十四 (xuān yuán fourteen) and Bellatrix as 参宿五 (shēn xiù five), did we 🤷‍♀️

The only other character whose name was translated weirdly was Peter Pettigrew - his family name was translated as 小矮星 (junior dwarf star). Don’t ask me where the star comes from it only exists to make Sirius’s Chinese name less weird I guess

Annnnd on to the Marauders! *drumrolls*

In the simplified Chinese version, Prongs was 尖头叉子 (pointed prongs - ok fair), Wormtail was 虫尾巴 (surprise surprise -worm tail), Padfoot was 大脚板 (Big Paws), and Moony was 月亮脸 (moon face). Personally I wasn’t very pleased with this translation but I admit I couldn’t do better myself. I think my biggest issue, however, was that they completely erased the concept of the “marauders”, referring to the “Marauders’ Map” as 活点地图 (Moving Dots Map) instead. This is absolute scandal - how can you slaughter my babes’ intellectual property rights like that? And the beautiful alliteration was butchered in the process as well 😔

Honourable mention of some of my favourite names:

- Cho Chang 秋·张 (Autumn Zhang. The melancholy and maturity of Autumn just fits her character so much, no I don’t accept criticism)

- Hermione 赫敏 (赫 means remarkable, and 敏 means quick in mind. My cousin has 敏 in her name too!)

- Gringotts 古灵阁 (Ancient Souls Temple - to me a native Chinese speaker it sounds very mysterious and very splendid)

- Flourish & Blotts 丽痕书店 (beautiful trace bookshop - I just love the ring of it)

#welcome to my ted talk #hp #meta? #translation

[welllpthisishappening]

But Once a Year (5/5)

This is a trick.

It has to be. Something Pan planned, or some nonsense only possible in Neverland, because one second Emma’s sitting outside the Echo Caves and wondering how exactly things could possibly get worse, and then the world decides to take her up on the challenge. She’s not where she was. Or when she was, either.

And the future isn’t entirely what Emma expects it to be, but that might not be entirely horrible and Christmas with a husband and a family that quite clearly loves her is only kind of messing with her head. God bless us, every one.

————

Rating: T Word Count: 10K — canon had to catch up, and stuff had to happen, and happily ever after requires some adjectives AN: Guys! This is a completed story! One I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of writing. For that am even more grateful than usual that you all clicked and read and said very nice things. It’s always an absolute joy to write about these two idiots falling in love. I hope your holidays were fantastic, and January is very kind to you, and I am taking suggestions as to what I should write in 2021. (Or: if I should just post a bunch of fic I’ve already written, there’s so much fic already written)

Ao3 links in the reblog, because Tumblr’s tagging system is something of a colossal joke. 

————

She’s got no idea where Killian went.

Especially impressive since they haven’t left the house yet, but the house is also fairly massive and there are a lot of people and some of them have magic, and most of them have weapons, and one of Emma’s knees cracks when she crouches in front of Hope.

Who is wearing pajamas that match Lucy’s, and holding a stuffed animal whose right arm appears to be holding on by a quite literal thread, and has absolutely no idea what’s going on.

It’s a strangely positive thing.

“You’re going to be ok,” Emma tells her daughter, which she hopes isn’t the lie it feels like. “Everything’s going to be ok. We’re just—we’ll be back soon, alright?” That’s not really a lie, either. Depending on how the next ten minutes or so, go. And part of Emma expects impatience — from the other adults nearby, magical or otherwise, but a quick glance over her shoulder only shows Mary Margaret wiping away tears, and Regina’s lips have all but disappeared behind her teeth, and the overall tightness of David’s jaw cannot possibly good for any of his teeth.

Taking a deep breath is an exceptional challenge.

“For presents?” Hope asks, and it takes Emma a moment to understand the question. Nodding hurts her neck. And, like, her heart.

No one turns off their Christmas tree in this future, it seems. Colors splash across one of Hope’s cheeks, what feels like several thousand emotions and at least a dozen internal organs twisting in Emma’s center and she barely manages to rasp out, “yeah, of course,” before there’s moisture in her eyes and her vision is going blurry and at the very least it’s comforting to know that one of the steps in her parent’s house creaks too.

“Emma,” Regina murmurs, and she’s nodding again. Hair brushes the hand that’s landed on her shoulder, as warm as ever, but there’s tension in the move as well and Killian’s lips don’t shift when Emma tilts her head up.

Something’s going on. More than the obvious. And she wants to ask, she does — but the worry churning in her gut moves to the center of her throat, and makes it impossible to voice questions or demand anything more than what he’s already given, and they’ve got no idea how to get her back. Except for—

Killian’s eyebrows lift. Ever so slightly, barely enough movement that it should even count, but Emma’s become something of an expert on his face in the last few days, and she can’t blink away the tears fast enough. Mourning something that’s happened and hasn’t, and absolutely needs to.

She can’t ruin this.

Plastering a wholly unnatural smile on her face, Ruby lets out a huff of air as she marches forward and scoops Hope into her arms. “For presents,” she repeats, “Mom wouldn’t miss that, would she?” Emma shakes her head. Seriously, every inch of her aches. With those pesky emotions and magic, and she cannot fathom how she manages to stand back up without falling over, but then there are fingers tangled up with hers and she’s brushing strands of hair away from Hope’s eyes, and leaning forward to kiss the bridge of her nose and—

“I love you.”

Whispers flood her ears, soft enough that for a second Emma truly believes she imagines them, but none of this has been the dream she’d convinced herself it had to be, and the sound isn’t as terrifying as it should be. Is like the excitement borne of picturesque Christmas mornings, and a ridiculous number of cookies, and magically-maintained snowmen.

Killian’s eyes widen, ever so slightly. Part two.

“Dor and I’ll stay here,” Ruby says, seemingly unconcerned with whatever’s happening between Emma’s ears, but Killian’s staring again and Emma’s barely breathing and she probably nods if the movement of her hair is any indication.

More instructions are doled out, plans Emma only half listens to while also trying to stay conscious and it’s only after the screen door slams behind them that she realize she doesn’t actually have a weapon. She’s fairly certain she won’t need it.

Because she’s absolutely positive this is going to work.

Well, she hopes at least.

“Don’t let go, ok?” she mumbles, mostly into Killian’s shirt and he kisses her hair. More than once, like he’s trying to reach a quota and that’s only kind of depressing, but then there’s magic stretching around them and inching up the back of Emma’s calves and she hopes she hears what she thinks she hears.

When he mutters “never” in her ear.

If there were any doubts that they were dealing with the disintegrating fabric of reality, they’re all immediately dismissed as soon as Emma opens her eyes. Trees bend in the middle of their trunks, broken branches littering the ground as what feels like genuine electricity crackles in the air, sending sparks that occasionally rain down like they believe they’re drops of water and allowed to do that.

Clouds that look suspiciously familiar, but lack that hint of magically-induced purple, blot out any sort of light in the sky. They’re puffier than they should be — the clouds, and also Emma’s eyes because she might be crying again, and she’s not particularly knowledgeable about meteorology. Still, she’s seen more than one curse broken and this isn’t quite the same. The lack of color dries out her mouth, although that may also be because she suddenly can’t catch her breath.

Magic tugs at her brain and her muscles, rising up in defense and something that isn’t really bravery. More like fear, at what the clouds can do and what they’ve already done, and the soft whoosh of Killian’s sword leaving its scabbard is far more comforting than it should be.

Wearing those pants with the sword belt is something Emma doesn’t want to forget. “Kinda looks like they’re eating everything in their way, doesn’t it?” she breathes. “Like, it’s—pulling everything up out of the ground, wrecking it at the foundation.”

“Not exactly ideal, is it?”

“You’re making jokes.” “If I don’t know, I’m fairly certain I’ll fall over.”

Scoffing, Emma licks her lips, and that doesn’t do anything except momentarily wet her lips, but her heart’s also trying to explode and the pop of Regina’s teleporting ability is loud enough to make both of them flinch.

“Oh shit,” Henry mutters, wielding his own sword. Both of those things are going to take Emma some time to get used to. Which she doesn’t have.

Not when tiny whirlwinds explode around her ankles, caking her jeans with leaves and dirt-filled snow, and she briefly wonders if that’s because of her or just bad timing on their arrival. Feels like an insult all the same.

“So, uh,” David says slowly, “what do we do about this, then?” Rolling her whole head seems like an entirely excessive response, but Emma supposes Regina’s never been one for subtlety and it is still kind of impressive when she does the flame thing. Fire jumps between her fingers, like one of those bouncing balls on sing-along VHS tapes, and really the answer is pretty simple. “Emma needs to leave. Weeks ago, if we’re being frank, but—” “—We’re not being frank, are we, Your Majesty?” Killian interrupts, low and a little more pirate than he’s been since Emma woke up here. Regina tilts her head. Her neck muscles don’t appear to be dealing with the same limitations Emma’s are.

“How do we do that, though?” Ella asks. “We’ve—I mean, we’ve tried just about everything haven’t we? Zelena’s spell didn’t work.” Regina hums. Looks a little smug, but with a hint of worry that’s also oddly comforting in a slightly vindictive way and there’s no warning before Tinker Bell appears in front of them. Smaller than usual, with wings that move as quickly as a hummingbirds and Emma’s eyes widen so quickly they manage to water even more and it’s easier to hear Killian’s soft laugh when he pulls her against his side.

What looks like sparkles, but may actually be pixie dust floats in the air, Regina’s sigh of impatience barely passing her lips before Tinker Bell is a full-sized person again and that full-sized person looks as terrified as the situation demands and— “Wonderland’s gone too,” she announces. “I only just got out.” Emma’s eyes are going to fall out of her face. It will be gross and undoubtedly uncomfortable. “Out. What does—what does that mean, exactly?” “What it sounds like. It was—” Shuddering, Tinker Bell wraps both arms around her middle, as if she’s trying to ensure she doesn’t fall apart either, and guilt appears to be the prevailing emotion threatening to sever Emma’s spleen at the moment. She’s only partially confident as to where her spleen even is. “Those,” Tinker Bell continues, pointing up at the clouds advancing on them, “they’re…cannibalized versions of magic.” “Oh,” Henry says, “gross.” Mary Margaret sniffles before she kisses him on the cheek. He’s holding Ella’s hand very tightly.

“It is,” Tinker Bell agrees, “because it’s all wrong. Broken, even. The opposite of what you’ve created here. Anything unified is gone, shattered from the inside out and—” “—That won’t stop, will it?” Emma asks, already knowing the answer. It’s been the same since the start, but it was so easy to fall into this start and live this life and she’s hardly noticed Regina. Lifting her hands towards the clouds like she could fight them, or stop them and her electricity metaphor had been almost accurate before.

Lightning explodes from Regina’s palms, feet a bit wider than usual while a muscle jumps in her temple, and the first brush of Killian’s thumb against Emma’s wrist makes her flinch again.

The clouds pause. For a moment.

Seem to shudder against the force of Regina’s power and strength, but there’s another crack and a branch that slams into the ground with an alarming speed, shaking the ground under yet a different pair of Emma’s boots, and, well—

That’s that, as they say.

Only they don’t ever mention the shadow-type vines that also explode from the ground. And for a breath, Emma’s not there. She’s sitting on different ground, in an entirely different realm, while her sword half hangs from the makeshift belt on her back and lights dance in front of her eyes. Blinking doesn’t do anything. Breathing heavily only makes the sound echo in her ears and air heave out of her lungs, and Emma can’t get her bearings. Is being twisted and torn until she’s certain she’ll be ripped apart. Right there, in the in-between, and—

No.

Giving in isn’t an option. She’s got people to save, and a kid to get back and a life to live. And the hand squeezing hers is tight enough to pull her back from a variety of edges. In any version of reality, she’s sure.

Head falling forward, Emma slams into something solid and that’s probably not another metaphor. Blades flash at the edge of her vision, both David and Henry moving quicker than she’s ever seen, while Mary Margaret slings arrow after arrow at something that isn’t entirely substantial and Killian’s hook moves under Emma’s chin.

At one point she might have thought that was a threat. She’s the world’s biggest idiot, obviously.

“No,” Tinker Bell replies, far later than is conversationally acceptable, honestly. “It won’t. Nothing will last if you don’t go back, Emma. It all hinges on you. That’s why Pan did this in the first place. He knew what you meant, to the whole world.” She groans. Like a goddamn hero.

“That might be a little heavy, Tink,” Killian mutters, and Emma makes another noise. Disbelief and charmed and wholly endeared, plus that other thing that she knows will make all the difference and at least eight of her knuckles crack. When she curls them into his shirt.

Patterned, naturally.

“Are you quoting things?” He nods. “You think it’s very cute.” “I’m not sure you could ever really be cute.”

“Is this honestly happening right now?” Regina snarls, sweat dotting her brow and Emma barely notices. Can’t really pull her eyes away from Killian when he’s smirking at her like that. “Flirting at the end of the world?” “Seems as good a time as any, doesn’t it?” Emma challenges. More pixie dust falls on the forest floor, shining brightly for a few prolonged seconds. That’s something of a confidence boost.

For Emma. And her feelings. And her plan, half-cocked as it may be.

“Expand on that for me,” Killian grins.

Keeping her head lifted is one of Emma’s more major successes. At least recently, and while her muscles don’t entirely appreciate it, the jut of her chin makes it easier for Killian’s fingers to ghost over the edge of her mouth and push into her hair and—

“Your eyelashes are unnaturally long,” she says, and the grin widens. “It drives me nuts.” “Does it just?” “Yeah, from like—the get, really. At first I thought it was a fairytale thing, y’know…have to be painfully attractive to be part of the story, but—” “—You end up in the book eventually.”

Heart explosion is not nearly as painful as Emma assumed it would be. If anything, it just makes her feel like she’s floating a bit and her magic gives her a buoyancy that leaves her lighter and softer and she turns into the palm cupping her cheek. “Spoilers,” she chides. “What do you—what do you think happens?” “When you go back, you mean?” Emma nods. Doesn’t really want the answer. Might actually be terrified of the answer, because the timeline is as knotted as it’s ever been and time travel is way more trouble than it’s worth. She’ll probably kick Peter Pan too, just to cover all her bases. “Will you,” she whispers, and holding Killian’s gaze is something of a rather disappointing miracle, “will you all—” “—I don’t think so.” “You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”

One side of his mouth tilts up, eyeing her with passing amusement and that other emotion and his fingers trail towards the chain hanging around her neck. “Between the vaguely twisted compliments and the actual insults, I’m not entirely sure this is going to work, love.” “What isn’t going to work?” Henry asks sharply, swinging his sword through a shadow.

Grunting, one of Regina’s knees buckles as she continues to fight against the cloud and Ella’s back pressed against hers only just manages to keep her standing. “Get on with it, already,” she hisses. “Or at least try it.”

Nerves explode under Emma’s skin, racing up her arms and threatening to drown out the magic that’s as strong as it’s ever been because the magic is clearly smarter than her, and it’s unreasonable to think she’d be able to deal with that exact shade of blue in Killian’s eyes.

“You make sure I’m alright.”

He blinks. Fair, honestly. Words keep tumbling out of Emma without much thought, but she needs him to know this and this might be the crux of everything else and she’s nodding again. “Over and over,” she continues, “when we’re on the Jolly, and I’m—” “—In the crew’s quarters doing pull-ups.” “You remember that?”

“I’m rather attracted to you, you know that right?”

Laughing with tears in her eyes is as patently absurd as it is nice, and the shadows inch closer. “Could probably do with some reminding every now and then,” Emma admits, “but I, uh—that’s what happened before, too. Sitting outside the Echo Caves and you were supposed to be asleep. Showed up anyway, to make sure I was alright. You always do that.” “Something of a habit.” “So you’ve mentioned.” Humming, there’s not really any way for Killian to get closer to her, but he certainly tries and Emma hopes she doesn’t forget that either. She’s not entirely sure how her memories will deal with everything they’ve been through in the last few weeks. And, like—her life, but that sounds kind of melodramatic. “You don’t need me to take care of you,” Killian says softly, “but it’s—making sure you’re alright is like…making sure we’re following the right course.” “Am I the star in this analogy?” “Several times over,” he replies, “and it’s easy to follow.” “Oh, what was that about backhanded insults?”

Warm air brushes her face when he exhales, nosing at the tear stains her over-abundant emotions have left behind. “I have no idea what will happen,” Killian whispers, as if he’s speaking only for Emma and she supposes that’s at least partially true. “I doubt we’ll disappear, not when it appears time’s much less of a straight line than I originally anticipated, but Her Majesty was right. Nothing’s set in stone, love. That’s half the fun.” “Sounds like a hell of a gamble too.” “Aye, but you’ve also got a pirate who’s rather willing to cheat on your behalf.” “Did you use weighted dice?” He kisses her hair. The edges of her eyes. Down the bridge of her nose and just above her mouth, which is really a very cruel tease, but if they were running out of time earlier, then they’re operating on borrowed minutes now, and Emma’s calves almost audibly object when she pushes up on her toes.

“Just sleight of hand,” he says, “it’s very impressive, I know.” “Something like that, yeah.” “This wasn’t fair to you, Swan. To—to be thrown into this, and I can’t…”

Shaking her head, she’s never actually let go of his shirt, so Emma doesn’t have an excuse for how much her fingers tremble. “No, no, no, if you apologize I will step on your foot, I swear to any God you can come up with.” “Several, actually.” “Nerd,” she insults, and it’s as far away from that as it’s possible for a four-letter word to be. Killian’s eyes have gone glossy. “This wasn’t what he thought it’d be. Pan, I mean. He—he thought he’d take me off the board, keep me locked here because I’d be so tempted to stay and I—” A tree branch falls dangerously close to her right foot. “Well, obviously I was, but…” “But?” Emma presses her lips together. Ignores the ache in her legs and the area directly around her heart, taking more pleasure than she should in the overall circumference of Killian’s eyes while her magic practically sings. Soars out of her, until the ends of her hair light and the shadows don’t retreat, but they freeze for a second and that’s all she really needs. “Seeing it all,” Emma starts, “living it, that’s why I can go back. Because I want to live it. No cheating, no advancing to Go. God, fuck—am I really making Monopoly jokes right now?”

He beams. Stares at her like she’s that star, and a few other constellations for good measure. Possibly the Sun too, but Emma’s the one who’s all too willing to orbit around the whole lot of them, and she kisses him before she can think better of it.

“You make sure I’m alright,” she repeats, “ten-thousand times over, until I end up here. And it’s just not better, babe, it’s—it’s a life, a real one. The kind I used to think was some great, big joke, but that house is so big and our kids are so good, and it’s—” Killian wipes away the tears. For the best, really. Since Emma isn’t entirely sure she can unclench her fingers. “I love it,” she breathes, “I love—”

In any other situation, she’d almost resent being interrupted. As it is, being interrupted with the press of Killian’s mouth against hers is one of the better things that’s happened to her. Like, ever. And she’s already pressed up on her toes, so really the whole thing is pretty practical.

Tilting her head, Emma’s grip threatens to rip his shirt and her spine isn’t all that pleased at the arch she’s put it in, but his hand is flat against her back, the kind of steady presence she’s sure she could build everything around. They’ve gotten better at this, she thinks — less frenzied than it was in Neverland, but somehow even better, like they’re sitting on simmer, a low heat that simply exists and isn’t as overwhelming. She’s not sweating, at least. She’s wrapped in cashmere blankets, and comfort and some other word that starts with ‘c’ because Emma’s ability to linger on the alliterative in times of heightened feeling is actually pretty impressive.

At least until Killian’s tongue swipes the seam of her mouth, and they drift a hint closer to frenzied, and somewhere in the realm of desperate and she genuinely does not notice the first band of light.

Or the second, quite frankly.

It isn’t until the colors arch over them, and several people gasp, that Emma realizes they’ve done something fairly tremendous. Beams of glistening magic curl around them, some hanging from the bend of Emma’s elbow and the curve of Killian’s hook, draping either one of their shoulders and falling off the sleeves of their respective leather jackets.

“Holy shit,” Emma breathes, fully expecting Killian’s smile and hoping for his laugh and she’s done more hoping now than she has in the first twenty-nine years of her life.

Henry clicks his tongue. “Oh you can say it, huh?” “I’m your mom, that’s how it works.” More laughter, as out of place as ever, but the light doesn’t disappear immediately and Killian’s jaw has gone slack. “Has that not happened before, then?” Emma asks him.

“You called me babe.” Regina groans again. Henry snickers, ducking his head into Ella’s shoulder, and Emma’s not sure what her parents do, but her mom is definitely crying and she’s crying and there’s something shimmering on the other side of Tinker Bell.

“Told you it’d work,” she says with a knowing smile. “She just needed to get there. And, y’know, be willing to walk away. Which doesn’t sound as romantic as it is, now that I think about it, but might be kind of in the spirit of Christmas.”

Killian rolls his eyes.

“Yeah,” Emma nods, “that’s—” She cuts herself off that time, Killian’s fingers lacing through hers so he can give her hand three quick squeezes and that number was probably random. Maybe. True Love’s goddamn Kiss.

“Falling in love with you probably isn’t very easy, is it?”

The tears fall. Drop from the corners of his eyes onto cheeks, one of which has a scar on it and Emma wants to know how that happened. Wants to learn every single thing about him, and them and collective pronouns don’t quite terrify her anymore.

“Not always,” Killian agrees, another strange way of doing it, “but I do always think it’s worth it. For everything we get.” “This?” He nods. “And then some. Because you’re the single most stubborn lass I know, and Pan’s an absolute fool.” “Call me lass again, and see if I kiss you anymore.” “I’m almost confident on that front.”

Smiling doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t affect the muscles in her face, or the overall state of her heart, and that may have something to do with its exploding tendencies from earlier, but Emma’s eyes keep flickering towards that portal and everything ahead of her, and the wave of determination that crests her consciousness doesn’t take her by surprise.

She’s going to get this all back.

Like a Christmas present, waiting under the tree to be opened, and another promise and Killian squeezes her hand again. Before kissing her once more, in a way that doesn’t feel like a farewell, but has a hint of promise and expectation and Emma hugs Henry. And her parents. Glances at Regina, and goddamn Tinker Bell, and hugging Henry again simply makes sense. “Come save me, huh?” he murmurs into her hair. “That’s the plan,” Emma promises. Twisting her neck, Killian’s not more than an inch behind her, but the shadows threaten again, making it difficult to see him and eventually she’ll argue that’s why she doesn’t entirely notice when his hand moves, darting towards her pocket and back so quickly it’s not much more than a blur, and her lips barely brush his before they’re pulling away from each other.

To get back to each other.

“I’m going to love you an absolutely ridiculous amount,” Emma promises, and Killian’s eyes brighten. Brand themselves on all those memories, and even more feelings. “More than I do now, even.” “I look forward to it.”

Bumping her chin against her chest when she nods, Emma’s next inhale is shaky at best, but her steps are sure and she doesn’t feel anything when she falls backwards, or notice the way Regina’s hand shifts ever so slightly.

Her feet slam into the ground. Ground that hasn’t exploded with glowing, vaguely evil plants yet and that’s all it takes to set her plan into motion. He hadn’t remembered, after all. And Emma can only sort of remember now.

Smoke on the water, her thoughts drift through a haze that’s far more metaphorical than she entirely appreciates, and she makes it all of eight larger-than-usual steps before those same feet land on boots and she barely stops herself before she collides with Killian.

A Killian who looks at her like he’s surprised to find her there, but not entirely opposed to it, and whatever thoughts continue to cling to the forefront of Emma’s brain know what else he wouldn’t be entirely opposed to, and that’s not bad, might even be good and great and she can’t remember why her lips feel like they’re tingling. That’s—

Strange, that’s strange. As is the number of times she blinks, and his hook flies to her waist. To keep her steady. Or something. Magnets, maybe. “Swan, are you—” “—Fine, fine,” she breathes, only just able to keep from kissing him. Hard. His lips part slightly when she keeps staring at him, eyes tracing across his face like she’s recommitting it to memory, and she supposes she is, and he was coming to find her. All over again. “You’re here though, right? This isn’t…this is real?” Hair threatens to fall into his eyes, head at an angle that Emma is sure simply exists to torment her. “Why wouldn’t it be?” “I—I don’t know,” she admits, and it only sort of sounds like a lie. Emma shakes her head. That doesn’t help, really. “Is my mom still ignoring my dad?” “Very much so. You shouldn’t be out here, you know.” “Neal’s not dead, though?” “No,” Killian says, lips forming a perfect circle on the second letter. Emma’s staring at his lips. Again, or always. Or whatever, honestly.

“Ok, ok, that’s—that’s good, well maybe not the ignoring part, but we’ll figure that out and we’re going to figure this out.” “Wasn’t a question.” “No it wasn’t.” His eyes narrow, neck remaining at that angle. “Good. It shouldn’t be.” “Awfully confident of you.” “No, no, I’m only confident in you, love.” Something flutters at the back of Emma’s brain — part memory and even more desire, and this feels like something they’ve done already, but that can’t possibly be true and those particular words in that particular order are as honest as Emma’s heard. She must have fallen asleep.

“C’mon,” Killian continues, hand reaching for hers and she doesn’t pull away. She lets his fingers tangle with hers, and every squeeze against her palm is enough to settle her pulse and her magic, and he doesn’t let go of her until they get back to camp. Neither one of them mention how she doesn’t pull away, either.

They plan. Plot, and discuss and Neal’s something of an issue — as is her mother’s pointed and unnecessary romantic advice, but Emma knows her objections fall on deaf ears, especially when that same mother keeps ignoring her father, and she’s not sure she’s ever known fear like she feels in Dark Hollow.

If asked — and Emma can’t imagine why she would be, but she’s at war with her own thoughts and some sadistic childlike-monster who’s already fucked with her more than he should be capable of — she’d argue it was because of what Killian tells her. When I win your heart plays on loop in Emma’s brain, but it’s also because, somehow, she knows he will and does, and fire bursts out of her in the middle of yet another shadow attack.

“How did you do that?” Neal asks, sounding far more surprised than he should and something in Emma’s center recoils at the tone. “Regina. She’s teaching me magic.” Not entirely a lie, not really. But Killian’s eyes snap towards her, and she’s apparently just as good at ignoring things as her mother. “She’s teaching you magic?”

“Yeah,” Emma nods, gripping the coconut in her hand a little tighter. Six months ago, that would have felt like the most absurd sentence in the world. Now it just pisses her off. “I guess she is.”

There’s more, because of course there is. Wendy Darling and Neal are something of old friends, and she’s somehow an even worse liar than Emma, but the truth means Henry’s death and she can’t breathe. Can hardly stand, but is also standing closer to Killian and she keeps calling him Killian. In her head.

His hand squeezes hers; exactly three times.

“It’ll be fine, love,” Killian murmurs. Naturally, it’s not.

Watching Henry hand over his heart is a nightmare Emma will see for the rest of her life, wholly unprepared for the way her kid drops to the ground and the strength of her ensuing magic threatens to blind her.

Regina’s not much better, honestly. Her mouth opens, but nothing comes out and then there’s magic and a wave of her hand, and—“He’s not dead yet,” she tells Emma, like that’s acceptable, but she’s got no idea what else to do and the growing feeling that she’s forgotten something very important.

Preservation spells are as freaky their name implies, it turns out.

Henry doesn’t blink, doesn’t move, but he also isn’t dead and Emma figures that’s at least one positive. While she’s attacked by a tree, and taunted by Pan and Regina’s admission leaves her reeling just a bit. That is until it turns out Peter Pan is also Gold’s father, and the absurdity of it all makes Emma want to scream and cry and they somehow save Henry’s heart.

In Pandora’s Box.

Really, the rest is a blur — adrenaline mixing with magic and an above-average amount of gasping, and Killian offers Henry the captain’s quarters. Emma doesn’t think before she walks, leading the pair of them towards the door, and there’s a shadow trapped in the sail and they’re on a flying pirate ship, so honestly her knowledge of that pirate ship’s layout should be the least of their worries, but something, something…open book.

“You want to tell me what’s going on, now?” Killian asks, finding Emma what feels like a lifetime later. Hours, actually. Most of which she’s spent leaning against the railing, while trying to breathe in as much salt air as possible and Regina’s still in the cabin with Henry.

“Aside from the obvious?” “Whatever’s got you staring so intently at the horizon.” “It’s calming,” Emma reasons, and there’s some truth to that as well. There’s also something in her back pocket, a piece of clothing that miraculously isn’t totally destroyed with mud and the after-effects of fighting for their collective lives.

“It often is, although you’re thinking so loudly, I can’t help but—” “—Do you think you’ll stay in Storybrooke?”

Killian tenses. He’s close enough that Emma can practically feel the way his muscles tighten, but there’s more to it than proximity, and it’s got to be nearly his turn at the helm. Neal can’t stay up there forever.

“If you think that would be a good idea.”

Rolling her eyes makes her head hurt. She might also be dehydrated. The knowledge that there’s a flask of rum stashed somewhere under the cot in Killian’s cabin is one of the few things keeping Emma conscious. Captain’s cabin. Semantics. She has no idea how she knows that. “That’s not really what I asked,” Emma argues. “Do you—is that something you’d like?”

She shouldn’t be as nervous as she is.

The future is suddenly blurry, and not entirely uncertain, but she fought like hell for it and now there’s this growing sense of optimism taking root in her. Like it’s the foundation for everything else, strong and certain and that’s a rather daunting change of pace for her. The certainty, not the adjective choices. Gold made it so David could come home too. They all get to go home. So, Emma doesn’t move very quickly when she turns, just presses her lips together and—

Hopes.

Pixie dust requires a certain amount of belief to work, after all.

“I would,” Killian breathes. He leans forward, or Emma leans forward, and it genuinely does not matter because there are mouths and hands and it’s over before it really begins, the rail of a flying pirate ship threatening to dig into her back. She’s never been more comfortable. “Ok,” Emma says, footsteps coming towards them, “that’s good.”

“You saved him, you know.”

“Motivation’s a funny thing like that.”

“Certainly is,” Killian agrees, “and you had that in spades. I just—” He smirks. The bastard. “Telling you I knew you would makes me a bit of a cad, doesn’t it?” “More than a bit, maybe.” He chuckles, letting his head drop closer to hers. “Why’d you know where the blankets were in that cabin?” “Far too perceptive for your own good.” “I prefer to see it as an acute observation.” “And you’re more than just a pretty face, huh?”

“Sounds suspiciously like you think I’m pretty.”

“Occasionally,” Emma says, standing on wobbly knees again and they’re dancing without music. “I don’t know, really, but we’ll get there, I think.”

Leaning back, Killian’s eyebrows shift and his thoughts practically come with cymbals, but he doesn’t press her anymore and Emma doesn’t actually believe she fell asleep. Outside the Echo Caves, but all of those thoughts feel like dreams now, and Neal doesn’t ask any questions — which is either a victory or a crushing disappointment, depending on which way you look at it, but Emma can’t bring herself to leave the railing, even when the wind picks up and goosebumps prickle her arms and the something in her back pocket is a tiny slip of paper.

Torn at the edges, like the person who grabbed it was pressed for time and flush with determination and she’s never actually seen his handwriting before. It doesn’t make an ounce of difference. Swooping letters linger on the looseleaf, no matter how many times Emma blinks, the words the same and she tries very hard not to rip it. Holding it as tightly as she is makes that easier said than done.

Still, it doesn’t change.

I love you.

As clear as the tears that return to her eyes will allow, and Emma’s not surprised to find him already looking in her direction. She smiles, and goes below deck.

They don’t make it very long before something else gets fucked up.

They barely make it like—two weeks. Pan isn’t dead, and Henry’s not Henry and the whole thing is a disaster that frequently ends with Emma slumped against the nearest wall she can find, the hand gripping hers squeezing at regular intervals, like Killian is trying to remind her of something, but she might just be hoarding every touch and every feeling and it figures.

Standing at the town line, Emma’s not sure how she’s going to get in that car and drive away from this town and these people and her mother kisses her forehead. Softly and almost reverently, and David’s hand finds the back of her head, holding her as tightly as he had in Neverland and Emma knows he’d like to do that forever, but that won’t be possible in five minutes and she’s not going to remember.

Any of them. At any point.

She’s still not sure why the timing of it all seems so important.

“That’s quite a vessel you captain there, Swan.”

Smiling is the only way she stops herself from kicking him, or possibly kissing him and she’s not prepared for what Killian says next. If she ever gets to remember this, that will seem vaguely ridiculous. All things considered.

“There’s not a day that will go by that I won’t think of you.” He means it. Emma knows that, too. As much as she knows she should have said something — a string of words that’s still a little overwhelming, but the sheet of paper basically lives in her jacket pocket now, and for someone who feels as if she keeps bouncing around time, or at least realms, she also continues to run out of it.

“Good,” she says, and one side of his mouth moves. Tugs up while he stares at her, and struggles to step back and everything disappears. Behind a cloud of purple smoke, and a line that’s brushed away as easily as if it had never been there at all, and Emma forgets.

Most of it, at least.

Some guy knocks on her door, knows her name, and immediately tries to kiss her. It’s not the strangest thing Emma’s ever encountered, but that’s because bail bond’s a weird gig, and he keeps showing up. Gives her a note with handwriting that looks suspiciously familiar, and proves even more than that and her hand shakes. While pulling a weather-stained piece of paper from the folds of her wallet, and she’s got no rational reason for keeping it. Not when she’s got no idea why she has it in the first place, but every time she considers throwing it away, something tugs between her ribs and flutters at the back of her brain and the swoop on the top of his ‘o’ is exactly the same.

She doesn’t mention that before she drinks the potion. And she only balks slightly at the word potion , so that’s another victory and— “Killian,” she breathes, memories flying back. Some arrive quicker than others, while a few hang in the shadows and she knows there’s more to the sheet of paper than she’s willing to admit. Magic fights with her, trying to piece together things that don’t entirely make sense, and she can remember things that don’t make sense. Pirate ships, and flashing swords, and a house with enough windows that it likely sets a record.

And a hand slipping a sheet of paper into her back pocket.

“Miss me?”

It’s a joke. A bad one, at that. Especially coupled with a smile that barely reaches his eyes, but Emma finds herself nodding all the same and he doesn’t stumble backwards when she launches herself at him, hugging as tightly as she can.

The paper goes back in her wallet before they leave for Storybrooke.

She’s going to leave. Get back in her car and go back to New York, and raise Henry like a normal kid, but Emma can’t shake the feeling that there’s something inherently wrong with that plan, and it doesn’t have anything to do with wicked witches or newborn brothers, but maybe deja vu for something she hasn’t lived yet, and Killian’s eyebrows fly into his hairline. When she does the unthinkable.

“Come with us, then.” “You’re not serious,” he challenges.

“Like a heart attack, maybe. I just…none of this is safe, and New York was, I mean…you could be part of—” “False memories, based on magical nonsense.”

Shoulders slumping, Emma can’t come up with an argument to that. Only kind of wants to, but she’s not in the book, and Henry doesn’t want to leave. The dreams she keeps having make sleep something of a pipe dream. And she’s something of a mess, but Killian’s a much better dancer than she expected him to be.

And she’s not surprised to find him rounding the corner of Regina’s dungeon, although it’s nice to be saved, even when she’s perfectly capable of doing it herself. But then his arms threaten to crack several of her ribs ten minutes later, and Emma has a few theories about that. None of which she voices, far too busy memorizing the way his thumb feels when it brushes her cheek, and her mother’s not dead.

Doesn’t remember her, but time travel beggars can’t be choosers. Another burst of deja vu rattles through her, and there’s no magic to jump in her veins, but Killian glances her direction all the same and the wand is heavy in her hand. One that’s magical again, a portal home because it is home and you trade your ship for me isn’t much more than a whisper on warmer-than-usual wind. He doesn’t blink when he answers. She’ll think about that for quite some time.

After she stops thinking about how good they are at kissing, because they are exceptional at kissing and it’s very simple. To fall into this head first, the feeling and the emotion and Killian chuckles when Emma’s magic begins to thrum under her skin.

She tells her parents about Neal.

About what he did, and how he did it and their eyes widen so often she wonders if they’ll get stuck like that. Killian’s hand doesn’t leave her shoulder.

They announce the change two days later. Prince Neal is Prince Leo and he’s still as cute as ever, with a tendency to spit up on whoever holds him.

“Are you alright?” “You’ve asked me that like ten times.” Nodding, Killian doesn’t move and Emma can’t imagine what kind of damage this is doing to his knees, but he doesn’t seem inclined to stand up either and she’s finally starting to get some feeling back in her toes. Fingers, too. Which makes it easier to drag the tips of them over his cheek, and his eyelids fluttering shut is a jolt of confidence she’s going to cling to. “And yet,” he drawls, “I’m still very curious.”

“I’m fine,” Emma says, not for the first time and she knows it won’t be the last. He shifts the blanket draped across her legs, tucking it under her side like—“A mother hen pirate.” “That’s rude, love.” “You’re going to give yourself a coronary.” “I don’t know what that means.” Laughing softly, her lips are still a bit chilly when she presses them to Killian’s skin. Warm, like always. Some joke about her own personal sun, and something else about walls made of ice and she doesn’t think before she mumbles, “you want to lay down, or something?” “Your father might challenge me to a duel.” “Not confident in your own sword skills?” “I’m very confident in my skills, but—” “—C’mon,” Emma interrupts, ignoring Killian’s protest when she pulls her arms out of the mountain of fabric covering her, “you’re warm, anyway.”

She realizes she loves him before she says it.

Well before, honestly. And she wonders why that feels inevitable, almost like it’s already happened, somehow but that’s—well, that’s impossible. She should rid that word from her vocabulary. And the inevitability of telling Killian everything she’s feeling isn’t totally surprising, either. Has been coming on so gradually that don’t you know, Emma, it’s you doesn’t knock her entirely off course. Might right her, actually. Direct her back towards some star or something else nautical and decidedly sentimental, and she cannot rationalize how quiet she is when he falls.

Dies, really.

This alternate version of him that still managed to rescue her, and she couldn’t save him and that’s not right. Two-way streets operate in both directions, but she didn’t tell him and everything feels like it stops. Not long enough. Time refuses to linger the way Emma needs it to, lungs threatening to disintegrate, and this isn’t real, can’t possibly be real and Henry’s pulling on her sleeve, telling her they have to go. He’s right. They’ve got to get out of here. Fix it, and give Emma more time, and she doesn’t spend any of it thinking before she rushes up the loft stairs and clings to him tightly enough that they fall over.

That will feel poetic later.

Standing in the center of Main Street, with a dagger in her hand and magic in the air and it’s familiar all over again, another burst of deja vu, and the exact opposite. Wrong, on a fundamental sort of level that she still can’t ignore and she closes her eyes. Thinks of what could be, or what she hopes will still happen, and then she tilts her head up and meets eyes that are far too blue to be fair and it’s easy to give voice to the words she hadn’t before.

That’s nice, she supposes.

Being as consistently confused by her own thoughts is one of Emma’s biggest pet peeves. “I love you.”

“Getting more and more difficult not to tell him. Isn’t it, dearie?” Sighing, Emma doesn’t bother glancing up from the half-finished dream catcher in her hands and Killian’s not going to be happy that he fell asleep. He likes to think he can protect her better while he’s conscious. As if he could protect her from her own mind.

“Do you even remember it?” Rumplestilskin continues, and it’s not really him. She has to keep reminding herself that. “Can see into your thoughts, y’know. And I don’t think you do.” “Shut up.” He doesn’t, of course. “The Queen did something. Changed something, somehow. Can feel the dregs of her magic, clinging to your memories and—” He leans forward. “—So can you, can’t you? Wonder why those scenes that appear behind your eyes every time you blink, feel so real. All that fairy tale fodder, and another thing you’ll miss out on. Strange how that version of your personal prince charming never mentioned what happens to you, isn’t it? Almost as if he’s keeping secrets. Maybe that’s a sign.” “Shut up.” She doesn’t mean to say anything. Responding only ever eggs the apparition on, and Emma’s head feels as if it will split in two. It might help if it did.

Every one of Rumplestilskin’s teeth is on display when he smiles. Like a goddamn crocodile.

“You could likely get your memories back. If you wanted. All that power surging through your veins. Or maybe,” he continues slowly, “part of what you’re feeling isn’t anything more than fate."

"No, that’s not true."

"Sure of that? Absolutely positive? Anything is possible, after all."

And the idea takes Emma by sudden and overwhelming surprise, part of her hating even the thought, but her feet are already moving and she might be running if the stretch of her legs is any sign, and Merlin doesn’t look up. When she slams open his door.

“You know, don’t you?” “Everything you’ve forgotten?” he asks lightly. “Yes, I do.” “What do I do about it?” “Would you like to do something about it?” “Did Regina do something to my memories?” Emma presses, leaning against the door as soon as it shuts behind her. One of his shoulders lifts. “He—the voice in my head…keeps taunting me about it, and I don’t—is any of that possible? That life?” Finally lifting his gaze, Merlin looks exactly as he did in that movie theater Emma only half believes she actually remembers, and time travel continues to be one of her least favorite things. “Depends,” he replies, “on you, and your next question.”

“I shouldn’t know. Right? Shouldn’t remember, I—he was looking at the house. The one I remember us living in sometimes, and I don’t…it’s impossible. To get back to that.” “He already told you it wasn’t,” Merlin argues.

I’ll never stop fighting for us.

Emma licks her lips. Coming up with anything else to say is difficult, and she’s still holding the goddamn dreamcatcher. That makes it easier. To give into instinct, and she’s broken. At her most basic level. Ripped apart and stitched back with pieces that don’t entirely belong to her, and remembering any of it feels like a cruel trick.

Lifting her arm, the whole thing only takes a few moments. Nothing more than a soft pull, and what feels like a soap bubble popping.

“Feel better?” Merlin asks, gaze dropping back to his table and his task and Emma nearly growls at him.

“What are you talking about?” “That’s what I thought. It won’t all disappear, though. Magic’s got a way of leaving a mark, especially magic like that.”

She leaves before he can make any other cryptic announcements, and Dark Ones don’t really need sleep. Emma sits on the bed for the rest of the night.

Dreams happen occasionally.

In the few days between — after the blade broke apart in her hand, and the decision that she won’t take this lying down, fuck whatever the world says about death and Dark Ones — visions start to creep into Emma’s subconscious. Sometimes they aren’t good, are a startling reminder of how it felt to fall to the ground, and the exact way dew soaked through her jeans, or how cold he was when his hand fell away from hers. And then sometimes they’re…not that.

They’re bright, and laughter rings out in the space Emma can’t quite define. Like it’s somewhere she’s been before, lived in even. Happily so. Scents hang in the air, a mix of salt and sweet and there’s almost always an arm curled around her waist, whispers in her ear and the steady press of kisses along her neck. Soft footsteps echo down carpeted hallways, and there’s garland wrapped around the staircase railing. Lining their ridiculous number of windows, and draped across branches of a tree.

For Christmas.

Emma isn’t sure how she knows that, but the snow outside is a good clue and it’s that — the growing desire to make this dream something closer to a reality, and no one questions her decision. To go to the Underworld. The same way she doesn’t second guess her steps as she races towards Killian, blood on his cheeks and nothing at the end of his left arm and he’s heavier than she remembered. Slumped against her chest with his breath in her ear, and it’s not quite the same as the dream, but they’ll get there.

They’ll get there.

Emma repeats the phrase — over and over, stumbling down a path she’s only passably confident will lead them outside, and he squeezes her hand. Three times.

Sometimes they dance.

In the kitchen. In the living room. She’s got this habit of hoarding records, and Killian’s far more interested in antiquing than he’d ever be willing to admit. Emma makes pirate jokes about it.

If only because it inevitably guarantees that spark in his eyes.

The one that makes her shiver, and reminds her of something she can’t quite remember and—she gasps, a hand spinning her on the kitchen floor. Away from the sink of dirty dishes and anything remotely responsible.

“I’m going to get your shirt all wet,” Emma grumbles, but that doesn’t appear to concern him very much. Or at all.

“Good.” “Good?” “Was that confusing?” Killian challenges, metal already working under the hem of her shirt. There are flowers on it.

“You think you’re very funny.” “I think I’ve got fantastic rhythm, and I can hear you thinking from across the room. What’s got your magic so loud?” Without stopping, Emma’s magic responds in kind — a symphony of possibility, and the growing sense of want that sits like a nearly-comfortable weight in the pit of her stomach, and sometimes she tells him. About the dreams, and the scenes that feel like she’s lived them before, and Killian never tells her she’s crazy. Even when Emma wonders if she might be. Instead, there’s simply this look of his own want, crinkling the skin near his eyes and she kisses away the pinch between his brow. Which makes it easier for her to ask— “Why this one?”

“Excuse me?” “This house,” Emma clarifies, and the conversation’s a little late. They’ve been here for years. Watched Henry grow up, and taught him how to use a sword, and watched movies until they could quote them back without a single mistake. So, really she should have figured it out before, but Emma’s had her suspicions. It’s only now that she’s greedy enough to ask about them.

“You know why.” “Would love to hear you say it.” “Pirate,” Killian accuses, without any insult and Emma giggles when he pulls her back to his chest. “And I—well, it’d be nice, don’t you think?” “Yeah, it would,” Emma says. The agreement tumbles out of her with ease, partially because of that aforementioned greed and the memories she can’t shake and Merlin said something to her. About magic’s tendency to leave something behind.

There’s a sheet of paper still hidden in her wallet.

“So,” she continues, “great big house, with lots of rooms and—” “—It’s your choice, Swan.” “That’s not how it works, and you know it. A combined team of planning and feeling and—” He dips her, she tries very hard not to giggle again. Fails miserably. “—Self-proclaimed rhythm. We just…this isn’t just about me, this is an us thing.” The music doesn’t stop. They only kind of do, Killian leaning back with a glint in his eyes that’s different than it normally is and Emma’s not sure when she started breathing through her mouth, but it’s drying out her lips and that’s not the first time she’s said that.

She doesn’t think so, at least.

“I’m a rather large fan of that string of words,” Killian says. “And you.” “Seems like a requirement of marriage.” “And parenting?” “Yeah?” “Yeah.”

Kissing him is really the only reasonable option. And Emma considers herself fairly reasonable, although her magic nearly makes a light bulb explode a few hours later and it’s difficult to be annoyed by the smug look on Killian’s face when he’s not wearing any clothing.

“What about Regina?”

Half a dozen heads snap towards Emma, some of them sporting bemused expressions, while others wear flat out disbelief and she doesn’t blink. Her fingers tighten, under the table where she’s gripping Killian’s hand and she can’t seem to get comfortable.

There’s way more of her than she’s used to, and the books claim she’s in some stage called nesting. Which Killian uses as an excuse to make Swan jokes at every opportunity. It might be driving her insane.

So, Emma will use that as an excuse. “What do you mean, Your Highness?” Grumpy asks her, and Killian can’t quite mask his laugh. Even with his teeth pressed distractingly into his lower lip.

“I mean,” Emma starts, “that if we’re going to combine all the realms, maybe having Regina in charge might not be the worst idea. She’s got queenly experience.” “Wow,” Regina says slowly, “that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” “No it is not!” “Top five, at least.” “You’re ruining this.”

Scrunching her nose is not a normal Regina reaction, but Emma figures it makes sense considering the circumstances and it’s a lot of responsibility. Uniting all the realms is a pretty daunting prospect, that will require enough of her own magic that Killian’s already freaking out just a bit, and somehow Emma can’t bring herself to be frustrated with that. Endeared, maybe.

And absolutely certain this will work.

She doesn’t know why. She looks at the slip of paper in her wallet, like four times a day.

“You’re sure?” Regina asks, Emma nods. “Alright, then I’d uh—it’d be my honor.”

They buy too many gifts. Hope is a baby. One who won’t have any memory of her first Christmas in this absolutely massive house, with a tree that Anton gave them a discount on.

“For milestones,” he reasoned, and Emma resolutely refuses to admit that she cried. But Killian brings it up more than once, and that gets her to roll her eyes and smile against his mouth when he ducks his head to kiss her and Snow White went above and beyond this year. Decorations line Main Street, cookies shared from every business and every person and all those people keep smiling. At her, and them and their kid is way cuter than her brother was.

Emma doesn’t mention that.

Killian does, at least when he whispers it to her while Leo tears apart another paper-covered box, and Hope gurgles in the crook of his arm. And Emma figures this is as good a time as any. To tug the folded envelope out of her pocket, flipping her wrist at the expectant and slightly confused look on Killian’s face. “What’s this?” “A gift,” Emma snarks, barely twisting out of the way to avoid him nipping at her nose. Like some twisted and very attractive Jack Frost. There’s some silver in his hair now.

He uses his hook to open it.

Emma clicks her tongue. So as not to push into his mouth. That might scar the kid.

“I don’t—” Killian says, pulling the scrap of paper out of. He holds it like it’s precious, and it is for Emma, but she also doesn’t entirely understand it and it’s kind of a selfish gift. “This is my hand writing. Why…I don’t remember writing this.” “And I don’t know when I got it. But I have it.” “I can see that.” “No, no, you don’t understand. It’s—I’ve had that for as long as I can remember. Since before New York, at least.” Killian’s eyes flash. To her and possibly through her, and Emma’s shrug is half-hearted at best. “Memories don’t always stick in this town,” he reasons, but it sounds like an excuse. For something she still doesn’t entirely understand.

“Yeah, I know. But it’s been there. Was in my wallet, and I had it in Camelot, babe. Used to pull it out sometimes, when you were—” “—Dead?” “God bless us, every one.” His laugh lacks any real amusement. It’s not very festive. “I’m going to ask you something,” Emma says, fully prepared for the way his lips curl.

“Eventually you’ll bypass the proclamations, Your Highness.” “Why do you squeeze my hand? You do it all the time.” “Do I?” Blotches of pink appear on his cheeks and he might want to lie, but his ears can’t and that’s not as weird a sentence as it should be. “Only three times, you realize?” “Don’t insult me like that.” That laugh is better. Purer, more like him and Emma’s magic flickers when he kisses her cheek. He’s constantly kissing her cheek. And her hair. Temple. Anywhere he can reach, like he’s always looking for a reminder and proof, until Emma knows she depends on it just as much as he does.

“Made it easier,” he says, “saying it without actually using words.” “And the words were…” He doesn’t really glare — that’s against the rules at Christmas, Emma’s sure, but his head lolls and his lips quirk and magic jumps. In her. To him. Whatever, really. “I love you,” Killian says, easy as some other cliche and Hope squirms between them. When they start kissing.

To suggest that what happens next happens suddenly, also makes it seem like Emma is paying attention to anything outside the little bubble of family and feeling, and neither one of those things is true. So she can’t say that. Her mother can.

Gasping and yelping, and there’s color everywhere — rivaling the lights that hang all over, because no one does holidays and milestones better than Her Royal Highness Snow White of Storybrooke. Emma curses.

Like a goddamn princess.

Remembering something that hasn’t technically happened yet threatens to make Emma topple over, but she’s really good at standing now and Killian’s arm is around her anyway. That helps. Perpetually.

“What the hell was that?” David demands, with as little grace as any of them can exude.

Emma shakes her head, refusing to blink. Despite the moisture there, and the feelings and she remembers. Has this whole time, kind of. The semantics probably aren’t important, at least not as much as the light is and was and will be.

Perpetually.

She doesn’t answer. Not her dad, anyway.

“I love you,” Emma tells Killian instead, and it takes some time to explain it all later. True Love and its somewhat inconsistent if not equally wonderful tendencies, and while that future in the past may not happen exactly as it had, this is somehow better and Emma was right.

They got here, eventually.

#cs ff #captain swan #captain swan ff #cs fic #captain swan fic #but once a year #festive fic a thon 2k20 #agh sorry for the incoming reblog but i'd like this to work

[cremeriie]

I posted 27 times in 2021

27 posts created (100%)

0 posts reblogged (0%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.0 posts.

I added 125 tags in 2021

#maddy draws - 20 posts

#artists on tumblr - 20 posts

#my art - 19 posts

#fanart - 16 posts

#digital art - 14 posts

#danganronpa - 11 posts

#danganronpa 2 - 7 posts

#sdr2 - 7 posts

#danganronpa decadence - 6 posts

#super danganronpa 2 goodbye despair - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 39 characters

#999: nine hours nine persons nine doors

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Calling all Zero Escape fans and Aoilight enjoyers, I wrote a fanfiction. It took me four months, which is a day less than four months longer than I usually spend on a fanfic.

It's a canon divergence fix-it fic with embarrassing uses of the morphogenetic field, team bonding exercises, and cheesy intense dialogue. Also, they're all SOIS agents because I love a good spy fic. Honestly, I'm not very good at summarizing my writing but I hope some of yall give it a try anyways. (You can always close the tab if you don't like it, I promise that I'll never know.)

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32106613

(god i hope this shows up in the tags)

23 notes • Posted 2021-06-22 14:01:57 GMT

#4

noooo don’t commit acts of domestic terrorism ahaha you’re so sexy

fun fact: this is a slightly different version than the one i posted on my instagram bc that one looked kinda weird. i can’t be bother to go repost it though, so only tumblr gets to see this one ;) 

yeah anyways i played the zero escape trilogy last week and loved it alot (well, i loved 999 & vlr. ztd was good but i rlly think those budget constraints bit them in the ass.) i have many thoughts about the games but i dont think anybody cares so i’ll spare you my rambling (for now lol). 

SPEAKING OF INSTAGRAM you should follow me there @cremeriie (same username as here)

26 notes • Posted 2021-04-01 02:23:44 GMT

#3

i couldnt decide which version i liked better, which was hard considering the fact that i kinda hate both of themmmmmmm.

follow me on instagram and twitter @cremeriie whatever whatever yk the drill.

36 notes • Posted 2021-10-11 14:05:50 GMT

#2

let's go to the beach each 🏖️

two versions, click for better quality blah blah blah you know what to do.

anyways i started this and then left it for two months bc i was in a funk but its FINE because i finally finished it. i love these two so much they make my heart full!!!!!!

follow my instagram and twitter (@cremeriie) for more!

51 notes • Posted 2021-08-08 20:39:05 GMT

#1

[click for better quality please]

YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT ON TV!

ok before anybody comments YES the incorrect hand was on purpose. i was inspired by how spamton NEO's design looks like a broken down Mettaton NEO body, so i tried to make Mike look like he had a broken/messed up Metal Crusher body.

ANYWAYS i keep seeing these vids on yt for hypothetical mike songs, battles, and segments, and they all looked so cool!! i had to draw him lol.

insta and twitter: @cremeriie

54 notes • Posted 2021-11-06 19:53:57 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #my art #anyways cool and thanks tumblr for the spotify wrapped I MEAN tumblr wrapped

[t4tbruharvey]

I posted 5,801 times in 2021

655 posts created (11%)

5146 posts reblogged (89%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 7.9 posts.

I added 150 tags in 2021

#undescribed - 62 posts

#food cw - 23 posts

#batman chronicles - 13 posts

#prev tags - 13 posts

#food ment - 11 posts

#q - 9 posts

#functionally described - 5 posts

#caps cw - 5 posts

#lois don't look - 5 posts

(got rid of the tenth one because it was tw tag)

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#i know that i'll sound worse on t but also any version where my voice is deeper is better than sounding like a waitress all the fucking time

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

making reblog bait. reblog and tag the last silly thing that sent you into hysterics. i’ll go first mine’s me misspelling arthur as ‘artbhur’

19 notes • Posted 2021-05-07 16:35:33 GMT

#4

points at which i think the tv show gotham would be greatly improved with the addition of the song 'me party' from the muppets (2011):

any scene with barbara kean after she found out jim and leslie were dating

any scene with oswald cobblepot after that time jim was told to kill him

overtop of the waynes' murders

i think that's what oswald should have sung when ed had the gay hallucination

27 notes • Posted 2021-08-30 15:21:44 GMT

#3

i am so bad at riddles but the moment i get one right i'm like yeah, i could beat the riddler. easy.

34 notes • Posted 2021-09-02 18:35:03 GMT

#2

no ok i know i say this every day but bruharvey IS literally so insane. what if we were childhood friends and college roommates and i was going to tell you (and you alone) i was batman (something i tell my love interests in pretty much every version of the story) and you said that enjoying fighting with me (no matter alongside or against) was both of your sides PERFECTLY DISTILLED and a lot of the shit i say to my love interests ('we're the same, you and i, split right down the middle' and the whole idea of a cat and mouse game where i let you go because you mean so much to me) is also shit that would apply to you AND WE WERE BOTH BOYS

41 notes • Posted 2021-10-18 22:33:33 GMT

#1

edward 'nygma'? more like edward SIGMA, am i right? anyway riddle me this-

66 notes • Posted 2021-09-25 16:06:06 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #HILARIOUS that my top tags are Like That. #also hilarious that all of my top posts BAR ONE are batman related. batman is just that strong