#now the internet is back and i wake up at 10am!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK

[radlegowaffle]

【please do not reupload!】 red string of fate redraw of this

#jibaku shounen hanako kun #toilet bound hanako kun #jshk #tbhk #地縛少年花子くん #hanako kun #yashiro nene #nene yashiro #dooblenauts #i didnt have internet for a week and decided to do this finally after 400 years #been 3 years and i still dont understand how to draw 😔 #also went for a darker 'water' cause i thought it looked nicer #idk im overwhelmed with everything cause ive been doing like. nothing for a week #and internets back and now i just want to sleep #ive been waking up at like. 6-7am!!!! cause i had nothing to look forward to doing!!!! #now the internet is back and i wake up at 10am!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK #its insane how much better it is for me to be offline but god im so insanely bored during the day #i can draw but i had nothing to watch or listen to or anything while i drew #i have music for speed drawings but that gets annoying after listening to the same songs over and over #i need to figure out a happy medium between productivity and being online #also lost like. 6 followers on twitter from being inactive (': #not that it matters i dont do much anyway #just kinda hurts. but whatcha gonna do

[rajbow4ever]

my rajbow hcs, copy and pasted straight from my tt cz what else do i post...

(some of these are in full grammar for some reason?? idk all of these were from various middle-of-the-night decisions)

raj: did figure skating for a while when he was younger but stopped because people called him un-manly

bowie: tries to persuade him to try it again

raj: goes to stroke every stray animal he finds on the street

bowie: 'babe that probably has 20 diseases...' lets him do it anyway because he wants to see raj smile

raj: can talk about his interests for hours at a time

bowie: thinks its the cutest thing ever and loves to listen

bowie: owns one of those small business jewelry shops online

raj: learnt how to make little beaded bracelets for it

bowie: naturally very good with instruments

raj: doesnt even know how to hold a guitar

raj: got banned from his local arcade for raging at a claw machine

bowie: claw machine pro (gives 80% of the prizes he gets to raj)

bowie: loves pointless internet debates like how many holes are in a straw

raj: doesn't understand a single one of them

raj: didnt think narwhals were real because they're like 'unicorns of the sea'

bowie: had to search them up to prove they existed

raj: chronic weezer fan (same raj same)

bowie: listens to whatever's popular most of the time, but he listens to a lot of upbeat stuff

raj: is able to notice if bowie gets stuck in his thoughts

bowie: is able to notice if raj is stressed about something

raj: Gives Bowie cool rocks he finds.

bowie: Keeps. Every. Single. One.

raj: Was shocked to find out most people can't down five burgers after a simple hockey game.

bowie: Is just ever-so-slightly terrified.

raj: Sleeps at 9pm, wakes up at 5am - but them goes back to sleep and waked again randomly.

bowie: Sleeps at 4am, wakes up at 10am.

bowie: Took Raj to watch one of his basketball games.

raj: Was just staring, absolutely ENAMOURED, IN AWE at him the whole time.

raj: Scared of birds (cassowary incident).

bowie: Scared of spiders.

raj: Attacks every spider he sees.

bowie: Scares away every bird he sees.

raj: Surprisingly a very good cook, but is banned from the microwave.

bowie: Also a very good cook (is not banned from the microwave).

bowie: Bought Raj star-shapes sunglasses to match with his heart-shaped ones.

raj: They became his most prized possessions ever.

raj: uses stupid words like "coolio" and "awesomesauce"

bowie: "what the FUCK are you saying"

raj: incredibly tactile, loves physical affection

bowie: always initiates it because he knows how much raj love it

bowie: worries sometimes because he thinks he's 'ruining raj'

raj: took after some of bowie's snark

bowie: is good at skating, but falls over a lot so he continues to do it just for fun

raj: genuine pro at skating, if you name it as long as it's on ice he can probably do it

bowie: monopoly demon. takes the money from everyone, wins everything

raj: fairest monopoly player ever but is incredibly competitive

raj: struggles with panic attacks every now and then, wayne usually helps but he's started letting bowie see him vulnerable too

bowie: taught him fancy breathing techniques (that i don't trust myself to name)

they play 2 player princess tycoon on roblox together

bowie: kills everyone

raj: actually does the tycoon

bowie: is a big fan of horror movies but screams every time something even slightly scary happens

raj: is terrified of horror movies but watches them with bowie (he hopes that bowie will get scared and latch onto him)

raj: hates talking to the waiters when ordering food

bowie: does it for him

bowie: had an emo phase when he was way younger

raj: found his old emo clothes "HOLY SHIT??"

raj: believes in ghosts n that stuff

bowie: thinks its the most stupid thing ever (secretly believes in them)

thank you for listening to my ted talk. next post scheduled for 2025 i think

#td raj #td bowie #td bowraj #td rajbow #rajbow #bowraj #is it bowraj or rajbow... #me personally im a rajbow liker #because it sounds like rainbow #raj total drama #bowie total drama #total drama #total drama reboot #td23 #td reboot #how different is tdtiktok to tdtumblr? only time will tell.

[camgirlsurvivalguide]

Get Off Your Ass and Start Shaking It

Tough love for creators who need a push

I need to get my head out of my ass and start believing in myself again, so I’m writing this for myself - but sharing it for anyone who might benefit from seeing it. Enjoy a little slap from yours truly - free of charge. 

1. Accept that you’re starting from “scratch”.

The internet is different now. Sex work is different now. If you’re an OG, it’s important to recognize that burnout isn’t just OnlyFans burnout - it’s industry burnout. We didn’t get a chance to catch our breath between having had ManyVids and MFC and then OnlyFans and now the biggest bitch of them all, visibility on social media. Our tweets used to show up and now they don’t. Our followers used to see us on Instagram, and now they don’t. We can cry about this all we like (and I do so frequently because it’s more healthy than just bottling it all up), but tears won’t pay the bills, baby. Time to pull up your socks and get moving. 

2. Do your best not to overthink it.

There are a million and one theories on how to do things “right”, when in reality, sometimes a single Reel about absolutely nothing with zero effort involved will hit the algorithm and pop the fuck off. Strategizing can be good, but staying up to date with the theories surrounding advertising should be inspiring, not crippling. We’re doing away with creation paralysis. Brush yourself off, and focus on making content to the best of your ability. Who cares if it’s only selfies and low effort shit for now? People will pay for pretty much anything, and if you have any semblance of a following, they want to see what you put out even if it’s not “to your standards”.

3. Switch up your routine.

This sounds brutal because it is, but this is what I’ve been doing as of late: and it’s helping. You’ll come up with justifiable reasons why this may not be right for you - but ask yourself if what you’re doing right now is right for you. Are you achieving what you want to achieve with the routine you have? Do you even have a routine? This is tough love, but it’s meant to be a realistic look at where you’re at, followed by support to get you to where you want to be. 

A month ago I started plugging my phone in across the room and setting an alarm for 5:30am. I have to physically get up to turn it off. It’s a brutal way of waking up (even though the alarm I have is all peaceful and cute, but still) - but it gets me up. I have my robe and slippers waiting for me, and I do not allow myself to get back into bed. I do my best work in the morning after coffee and before my first meal of the day. I’m not saying you need to work with this timeline, but if you’re a sleep-until-nooner, set your alarm for 10am. If you’re a work-later-on, set an alarm for when you need to start work - and then get your ass up. It’s hard to build a routine but much easier to maintain it once the habits are in place, so have a little faith in yourself. I don’t care how many times I’ve started, hit the ground running, and then crashed and burned, because guess what happened while I was running? I made money. Focus more on the positives of when you are functional, rather than moaning about the times when you’re not. If you’re in this industry it means you have, at some point or another, made it work for you. You can do it again. 

I get out of bed at 5:30am, rinse off in the shower, make my coffee and do a beauty routine that makes me feel really fucking pretty. Sure, messy hair and an instagram filter can do just fine, and again - any content is better than no content - but I feel my best after dry brushing my skin (hello cellulite and the obvious signs of ageing, lol) and then applying a really nice smelling lotion all over my body. I have been listening to Ariana Grande instead of my usual lofi (or just fucking silence, which also isn’t great for my motivation levels). Pump yourself the fuck up. You’re a bad bitch under the weight of all of this self imposed pressure and comparison, you just need to wake that energy up again, and you can do it. Take your meds and drink your water. After coffee I’m in my most positive state to work through my inbox. Yeah, a neglected inbox on OnlyFans is going to take a hot fucking minute to get through but once you actually do it, it’ll be easier moving forward. Buck up, baby - you can do hard things, and the payoff will be worth it. 

Setting actual times to get shit done is helping me immensely. I work on OnlyFans until noon. At noon, my second alarm goes off and I get up and eat and stretch and do something other than look at my phone. Most importantly: PAT YOURSELF ON THE FUCKING BACK! If you’ve done something more than you did the day before or the week before or the month before, you’re moving. You’re going. You’re doing. Our nasty little brains can always tell us we could be making more of ourselves but you know what, fuck that shit. Focus on doing 1% more than you did the day before. Rome wasn’t built in a day and again: you’re starting fresh from this moment forward. Kick the shit out of that voice in your head that wants to compare you to other people or, worse, compare you to what you “used to be able to do”. Fuck it, whatever, we are where we are - all we can do is work with that and make the most of it. 

4. Schedule, schedule, schedule

Instagram allows you to schedule posts. If you do your makeup to shoot for OnlyFans, make two or three reels. Schedule them to post over the next few days. If you manage to shoot a few photos for OnlyFans, make a semi-SFW one and queue that up as well. Places like TweetDeck will allow you to even schedule Twitter posts in advance. Pound an energy drink (or take your meds, if you need that extra focus as I know many of us do) and get ‘er done. That way you can focus on working for shit down the line rather than trying to do everything day by day. OnlyFans lets you queue, so utilize it! Setting aside even one day to sit in your grubby sweatpants and just hammer out scheduling can be so fucking advantageous not only to building your success, but to strengthening your confidence and mental health.

I’m not going to blatantly call justifiable reasons excuses, but sometimes you need to really look at what your internal monologue is saying and whether or not it’s advantageous. If you’re depressed as shit, there are so many strategies out there to get you moving even while you’re depressed. If you’re ADHD or neurodivergent, there are strategies for you, too. The playing field is not level and if you’re starting from a rough point in your life, working will be really hard - but what’s the alternative? Not working, and making it even harder? I know you know this already, but you’re probably using this knowledge to beat yourself senseless. Stop. Even for one day, actively shout (out loud or into a pillow, whatever) at the nasty voice in your head that tells you that you’re too limited by your current position to crawl out of the hole you feel like you’re in. You can handle a scheduling day. Tell yourself, over and over again, that you can handle it. Even if you take breaks every hour to screech like a banshee or cry onto your keyboard, you can push through it. Send it. I believe in you in the same way I push myself to believe in myself. It’s not easy for any of us - but nothing ever is. 

This isn’t bullshit coming from someone who’s doing well. I struggle so, so much. This shit is a grind for me, too. I berate myself and compare myself and am so fucking self critical that it can be immobilizing - but I have to smack some sense into myself once in a while and remind myself that I can grind even when I feel like I can’t. Sometimes I lean into being outright delusional. I love lucky girl syndrome. Shove your head into the clouds and pretend that you’re the absolute best version of yourself, even if you feel like absolute dogshit. The vibes may not last long, but if they last long enough for you to make something happen, then you’re pulling off that 1% improvement that you’re striving for. 

5. Plan for breaks

Give yourself a light at the end of the tunnel, whether it’s relaxing at the end of the day or planning a “do absolutely nothing but lay around” day at the end of the week. As much as it may feel like you’re staring into an abysmal black hole demanding you to do more and more forever and ever, you’re not. You can hustle while taking breaks: in fact, you need to take breaks to make the hustle happen. Just be cautious not to let the downtime turn into a downturn. I put a limit on my rest periods because I am prone to lying face down and just … not getting back up, for weeks or months on end. Saturdays are my sleep in days. Sundays are my do nothing (except for a lil chores or whatever) days. Then I’m back to the grindstone on Monday, knowing that after my “end work day” alarm goes off, I can simply vibe out. 

6. Stop looking at the numbers for now

Analytics are great, but also … not great. Story only got 500 views even though you have thousands of followers? It’s still 500 views. Reel didn’t hit the explore page? Whatever, at least a few people saw it. Recent PPV only sold once? It’s more money than you had before you released it. The best way to handle the restart period is to just focus on output and let any number motivate you to keep on keeping on. Everyone started somewhere. The biggest accounts started at 0 followers and the most successful OnlyFans pages started at 0 subscribers. You started from nothing, too. 

7. Revisit your dreams

Do not stop yourself from dreaming big. What do you want? You can have it. Setbacks are setbacks, not finish lines. A break is a break, not an end. Write your dreams out and put them somewhere you can see them and fucking CELEBRATE every step you take toward them. If you need to start small to feel good about yourself, then do that. If your goal is to post once a week, push yourself to make that happen. If your goal is to make a certain amount of money in a week, do what you need to do to make that happen, whether it’s more posts, more messaging or more advertising. I like to set my goals small but keep my dreams big. I want to buy a condo, which is a big dream, but in order to do that, achieving all my little goals will put me closer to that every time I cross it off my “to do” list. 

8. Fucking believe in yourself, goddamnit

You can do it. You can do it. You CAN do it. Do what you need to do, as your unique and individual little self, to put the systems that support you in place. Trust that you can rely on yourself. Even if that trust is frail for now, it will build as you build yourself up. Berating yourself isn’t helping, is it? I didn’t think so. You’re beautiful, interesting, worthy and so fucking capable, even on days where you think you aren’t. We’re in this together. 

#camgirl survival guide

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Fifty-Four

Word Count: 3.8k

Warning(s): explicit language, explicit sexual situations

Tag List: @unknownoblivion  @sinningsixx  @edwardtriggerhandzz  @lemmyjelly  @haileynicoleseavey17  @cierrasixx19  @oskea93  @mgkobsessed  @vamprlestat  @sharon6713  @itsametaphorbriansblog  @miriampraez  @allie-mcginn  @rebeccaphillips14  @nicholeh7  @fandomshit6000  @lilmou5ie  @tamedhearts  @divaanya  @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork @6ixx6ixx  @ratedrkohardychick91  @floregrohlssard  @oldschoolimagineblog  @thanks2pete  @abaldboi  @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium  @caos18blog  @ytwahsog  @shamlessobsession  @scarecrowmax  @toadspleen @random-internet-user-4471  @solohqrry  @loveofmyloif  @sparxx27  @kaitieskidmore1  @xpoisonousrosesx  @cruecifymesixx  @ijustwanttokiss70srogertaylor  @emmaelizabeth2014 @meetthesixxter  @sixxsixxsexx @sublimeprincesswasteland @arianareirg  @girlnight-terror  @mcnibberachi

@fancywasmyname1  @teller258316  @ggorehorror  @blowinmeupwithherlove  @xrosegoldwolfx  @mylifeisjustafeverdream  @redlipscrystalskies14 @str4nge-haze

LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO BE TAGGED

My breath hitches in my throat as Nikki's tongue runs up my sweat cloaked spine as he slowly thrusts in and out of me, after giving me a couple of minutes to adjust to him, the sensation causing my thighs shake and my toes to curl, my bottom lip being pulled in by my teeth.

My knuckles ball the sheets up as I bury my face into the covers to keep from waking Karen up as he pushes himself into me to the hilt, causing my eyes to roll back in my head as I'm pretty sure I'm now soaking our bed, arching my back as he holds at my hips and runs his hands softly over my skin before giving a harsh slap to my ass, causing me to tighten around him and he let's out a breathy groan.

His fingers move to reach between my legs to massage at my clit, only adding to the nearly paralyzing sensation.

I gather myself and get my face from the mattress, looking at him over my shoulder, grinning.

"I think you can go faster than that." I gasp out through pleasure, my expression taunting him a little bit, and he looks at me like I just made a mistake.

Soon enough I'm practically clawing at the sheets, my tongue bleeding from having to bite into it to keep from screaming out as Nikki delivers stroke after stroke into me.

I can't even say anything other than moan and nearly shriek when he purposely pushes himself into me as far as my body will let him, only sending tremors down my legs to my toes.

He pulls put of me briefly before roughly turning me over, grinning at me before pushing himself back in.

"Nikki--I--" I breathe out, my back arching, my chest heaving with deep, desperate breaths. "--I c-can't..." tears are forming in my eyes, and I'm about to tell him to just get off of me so we can shower and just have our usual sex instead because I actually feel like my body can't take much more stimulation.

But he's not having it.

Instead, like always, he's taking advantage of it.

"No, no, no, you're not getting out of it that easy." He tells me, slowing down some and I squeeze my eyes closed for a second, clawing at his hand holding at my thigh.

His fingers go back to my clit, and he looks me in the eye, that smug smirk on his face because he knows he's trying to fucking kill me.

Suddenly, two of his fingers push into my already soaked pussy that's swollen from receiving two rounds of rough attention from Nikki's prick already, as the thumb of his other hand rolls over my clit that's been overly sensitized from nearly thirty minutes if him going down on me, and he continues his tortuous thrusting into me, only picking up his pace again and his fingers and thumb are in sync with his cock completely.

"Nikki!" I don't care if Karen hears me, or if I wake up the neighbors, I can't help but scream out as I probably look like a scene from the exorcist, my back arching to a point where it looks like it might break with tears streaming consistently from my eyes that are screwed shut.

The mind shattering build up to my orgasm starts to collect, my body feeling full and ready to explode.

He thinks it's the most entertaining thing, seeing his innocent church girl sobbing, writhing and screaming in ecstasy all at his mercy in the middle of sodomy.

I can't make the words "I'm about to come" leave my mouth before liquid is spilling over his fingers, streaming out of me, my whole body spasming as I struggle to breathe, my head spinning.

He pulls out of me, uttering "fuck" under his breath as threads of his cum paint my stomach before he falls beside me on the bed, the both of us catching our breath.

"Are you gonna live?" He asks me with a laugh, after a couple minutes of me trying to catch my breath and calm my body down.

"I remember why we only do that on special occasions." I look at him, my eyes probably red from crying uncontrollably.

He just grins, shaking his head a little, his black, messy hair nearly taking up his pillow completely.

"You know, Duff told me a while ago that you two worked a plan out to get that place bought and renovated to decent shape for me to use." I say softly, turning over to face him. "He bought it and you paid for it to be fixed."

"I figured you knew...you conveniently stopped going when renovations started." He licks his lips.

"You conveniently shot me and I could barely put weight on my leg for nearly two weeks." I add and he let's out a breath.

"I know I'm not worth a shit right now, Viv, baby, I get it." He turns over on his back to face the ceiling.

"I didn't say that."

"I'm trying." He adds.

"Are you?" I ask as softly as I can to keep from pissing him off, looking at him and he closes his eyes for a second before looking at me.

"When's the last time I hit a pipe, huh?"

"We have a refrigerator full of smack."

"You don't know what's in those bags." He scoffs.

"Do you think I'm an idiot, Nikki? I mean, really?"

He just rolls his jaw, avoiding my eyes on him.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you are doing everything you possibly can to be better?"

He just sits up.

"I could throw the fucking drugs out, Vivian, and still not be good enough."

"Nikki, you know I don't think you're not good enough for m--"

"--I didn't say anything about not being good enough to meet your standards."

"Who's standards then?"

He's about to say something, but catches himself.

"My own, I guess, I don't know." He says under his breath.

He could have gotten rid of the drugs, but that wouldn't have gotten rid of Vanity, and he knew that.

Honestly, he was growing tired of her quickly, and was trying to find a way to put an end to things without her getting mad and telling me because he was paranoid that's exactly what she would have done.

But he was also terrified to tell me he was sixx foot deep in the situation called "Vanity" and didn't know how to climb out because he was afraid I would leave him.

So he stayed caught between a wife and a mistress, hoping the latter would grow tired and give way so he could escape the growing pressure and paranoia creeping on him with each day.

We get a shower to clean up and I pull the comforter off the bed that's wet with cum and throw it in front of the washer before grabbing the blankets off the couch to cover up with.

It's 3:10am, and Nikki's dressed and pulling his cowboy boots on, causing me to look at him like he's crazy.

"You're leaving?" I ask him, weakly.

"I'll be back when you wake up." He assures me, crouching down to brush his fingers through my hair.

"Please be careful." I plead, my hand grasping at his. "Please."

He nods, smiling a little before reaching his hand under the bed, handing me a wrapped gift.

"One more Valentine's Day gift." He tells me and I sit up, taking it, pulling at the paper.

I open it, seeing soft, white leather and gold words that read "Holy Bible."

I look at him and he just smiles, giving a shrug.

"Figured I should since I burned your other one." He adds.

"I started that fight, Nikki. You finished it. I shouldn't have broken your awards to begin with."

"Vivian, you broke the frames that could be replaced. And were replaced. Those awards don't mean a fucking thing to me, anyway." He shakes his head. "This," he taps his finger on the bible. "Means the world to you. I shouldn't have done what I did, as comfortably as I did it, just to prove a point." He states.

"It's okay, Nikki." I reply, smiling at him.

"I'm gonna get better, alright?" He says suddenly and I meet his eyes. "I'm gonna get outta this and I'll stay out. And I won't be as mean or weird and you won't hate me so much." He laughs it out but it hurts me that he thinks I hate him.

"I could never hate you, Nikki." I say.

"I don't know, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you." Again, he's saying it light heartedly but it's a mask.

"Nikki, you're my world." I say to him, and his smile fades. "You have been since 1981, even before I even knew you were. If something ever happened to you, they'd have to either take me out with you or keep me sedated in a mental institution. I wouldn't know what the hell I would do without you." I inform him. "I could never hate you."

It's obvious that he wasn't expecting me to say this.

He just clears his throat before standing back up, grabbing his bike keys.

"I'll be back later." He tells me, seeming like he's avoiding acknowledging what I just said to him.

He kisses me before heading to the bedroom door.

"Goodnight, baby." He says.

"Goodnight, Nikki." I reply as he walks out.

I wait for the sound of his bike leaving, before I open my new bible, seeing he's written my name in the "presented to" slot, and put his in the "presented by" space, and filled in the date.

That's not something I ever expected to see Nikki's name in.

I file through it, seeing the little ribbon attached as a bookmark is held between the back cover and the content itself.

Just as I flip there to put the ribbon in the pages themselves, I see Nikki had it there for a reason.

On the back cover, there's a passage of  Nikki's handwriting that starts with "Vivian."

The phone's ringing before I can read it, and I put the book down and get up to answer, only to be met by Karen coming out to answer it.

"Hello?" She answers it for me, sleepiness encapsulating her tone.

Her eyes flicker to me, her face growing nearly pale, and I get a bad feeling settling in me.

"Yes, Ma'am, she's right here." She hands me the phone and I furrow my brows a little before exhaling.

"Hello?"

"Yes, Mrs. Sixx this is Analise with Los Angeles Medical Center. I'm calling because we have a patient in our intensive care unit, currently, who has you listed as their emergency contact." She informs me and I want to tell her to be more specific because I'm listed as several people's emergency contact currently. "Tansalyn Reilen."

Tansy's body, growing tired from her constant drug abuse, had started telling her it was about to give out.

I quickly make my way through the lot of the hospital, stepping into the emergency room to see Steven and Duff waiting in the waiting room.

"What the hell happened?!" I ask, stepping to them.

Duff goes to open his mouth but Steven cuts him off.

"I-I don't know what happened, it was just some blow, Viv." He says, panicked, and my eyes widen.

"Just some blow?!" I outburst.

"Viv--" Duff starts but I stop him.

"You can fuck off since you're the one that bailed her out of going to rehab in the first place!" I snap at Duff and he furrows his brows.

"Hey, lose it, Viv, I'm not Nikki and I'm not putting up with it." He tells me, alcohol on his breath.

"No, you certainly aren't Nikki no matter how badly you try to be." I hiss.

"If I wanted to be Nikki I'd start shooting junk and talking down to you." It's said in a slur and I ball my hands up in fists. 

"Guys, hey!" Steven stops me from arguing.  "Viv, seriously, just calm down." He pleads and I let out a heavy breath.

"Where is she at now?" I ask him, ignoring Duff before he slumps back down into a chair.

"They said they were gonna do a cardio thing with electricity to see how bad the damage is...I really don't know what happened, I had a line from the same bindle and nothing happened to me."

"God." I breathe out, rubbing my forehead. "Alright, I'm gonna go ask her to tell me when they get done with testing." I nod to the receptionist and he nods.

It takes two more hours until the woman is calling me up to the counter for a visitor's pass and telling me where to go.

Once I get to Tansy's room, she looks like absolute hell as a nurse helps to get her situated.

Her dead eyes look up to see me and she grins, tiredly.

"Hey, Viv." She tells me as I step closer to her bed.

"Hey, Tans." I reply, the nurse glancing up at me.

"He should be in soon with tox-screen results and he'll explain the results of the electrocardiogram." The nurse informs me.

"I got in trouble." Tansy whispers to me.

"Well, the doctor who delivered you from the womb probably doesn't want to you die for something that could have been prevented." I reply in the same tone.

"I gathered that from his scolding." She nods.

"Alright, call if you need anything. He should be here shortly." The nurse reminds us.

"Thank you." We both say simultaneously as she steps out.

When we're alone, Tansy sits up and starts untaping her aspirin-IV drip, about to pull the needle from her hand.

"Uh, what are you doing?" I ask her.

"Viv, I can't stay here. I'm gonna start jonesing in a few hours and I doubt the nurses will sneak me anything."

"Tansy, you just had a heart attack, are you crazy?" I stop her from taking the IV needle from herself.

"Viv, I need to get outta here."

"Tansy, I swear to God, you are turning more and more into Nikki and it scares me. You're lucky you didn't die. Your heart is damaged and trying to recover. If you go load up on blow or smack, you will not live."

She looks desperate, her blue eyes watering, her cracked lips quivering.

The door opens in a moment and her doctor comes in, clearing his throat.

"You must be Vivian." He greets me and I nod.

"Alright, the main culprit of this is cocaine which can cause the coronary artery to spasm, which temporarily constricts the blood flow to the heart and the lack of oxygen causes sections of the heart to suffocate and die, which triggers a heart attack." He tells us. "Tansalyn, you will be able to recover, but at the rate you are going, I don't see you surviving another scare like this." He explains to us short and sweet, and I let out a breath. "Now, we're going to give you a temporary pace-maker to correct your bradycardia once we're out of the woods, but I will be keeping you for at least five days to make sure your body doesn't take a left turn out of nowhere." He adds.

"I can't stay here for five days. I have a photoshoot Thursday." She tells him and he looks at me.

"Tansy, your health is more important than your work."

"If I cancel they're gonna wanna know why and I can't let my mom know this happened. She'll kill me. And I can't hide a pacemaker from her."

Her doctor and I exchange looks.

I can't talk sense into her. I know who can, though.

"I'll be right back." I tell them, stepping out of the room to go to the waiting room to use the payphone, dialing the number.

"Hello?" Axl's tired voice says on the other end.

Tansy's always listened to Axl more than anybody else. I think it's because he kind of scared her back then, but she respected him because he really did have a good head on his shoulders...he just didn't know how to properly handle his feelings at times.

By the time Axl takes my place in the room with Tansy, I go back to the waiting room, Duff and Steven both asleep.

I wake them up and they startle slightly, rubbing their faces.

"Axl's gonna stay here with her, he told us to go home." I tell them.

"Axl's here?" Steven yawns.

"Yeah. Do you guys need a ride? I brought the Jeep so there's room for you two." I offer.

"Nah, I'm done the block at a chick's house." Steven tells me, and I glance at Duff.

"I'll walk." He mumbles.

"Duff--"

"Nah, really, Viv. Don't worry about it, I got it." He assures me as Steven puts his arm around me, kissing my cheek.

"I love you. I'll see you later." He tells me.

"I love you, too, Stevie." I reply.

"Bye, man." He says to Duff and Duff stands up, towering over him.

"Later, Stevie." He tells him, stretching and yawning.

Steven gives us a wave before leaving and I walk with Duff as he follows behind him, but goes a different direction once we get outside.

"Duff, really, I can take you to the apartment."

"It's fine, Viv."

"Duff, I'm sorry for earlier, okay? I shouldn't have said that."

"Rehab wouldn't have helped her any if she was only going to make people happy, Vivian."

"I know."

"So it's not my fucki--it's not my fault she's in this mess." He tries to keep himself from cussing at me.

"I know."

"And I'm not trying to be Nikki so I don't even know where that came from. I don't want to be him. I'm perfectly happy being Duff McKagan."

"I know." I grab at his wrist before we can pass the Jeep, stopping him and he let's out a heavy breath. "I'm sorry for saying all of that. I was just angry and was taking it out on you and I shouldn't do that."

"No, you shouldn't." He states, looking down at me.

Neither of us says anything for a moment, just looking at each other.

I notice his buzzed eyes glancing down at my lips and I make a little more distance between us, letting go of his wrist.

"I'm gonna go home." I mumble, tucking a strand of red hair behind my ear.

"Yeah, you should." He agrees, licking his lips.

Neither of us bother to move, and he looks like he wants to tell me something.

"Okay, goodnight, Duff." I go to step by him to get to my car but he grasps at my arm gently, turning to face me, tugging me closer to him.

"Viv." He says, and my heart pounds in my chest, his eyes burning into mine.

"Yeah?" I ask, trying to get some space between us again and he acts like he's about to say something but stops.

"Goodnight." He states.

"Goodnight, and thank you for bringing Tansy." I give him a small smile before he's letting me go so I can get in my car and go home.

The sun's coming up by the time I get home, and when I get in the house and get to our bedroom, Nikki's laying down, halfway in the closet, half out, and Vanity's in the bed, wearing one of my Mötley Crüe shirts, and my new bible is nowhere to be seen.

Nikki had gotten home and hidden my bible to keep Vanity from finding the letter in the back of it, and after my lack of reaction to the letter, and finding out I had to go to Tansy before even getting to read it, he decided it would be best if I never read it. Obviously, I didn't know this, I just thought either he or Vanity had lost it...

It wasn't until Mötley Crüe was in Japan for the "Girls" tour that I found it.

Vivian,

I don't know if it's offensive to write in one of these, but my place in hell is already solidified so I might as well piss God off some more. Sorry, I know you don't like when I say I'm going to hell even though we both know it's true. The one problem I have with where I'm fated to spend eternity, is that I know you won't be there. I realized this exactly one year ago. I came pretty close to being over with and I would be burning currently (or just laying in the fucking ground, or flying around as a reincarnated bird, whatever the hell happens to us when we go) had I not made it through. I know I'm scaring you with how much I do, Viv. I hear you talking to God about it when you pray. You're afraid I'm not going to wake up one day. I'm afraid, too. I know, right, Nikki Sixx is scared of something, who would've thought? I'm afraid I'm going to take my last breath without telling you how much I love you. I knew I loved you that night you snuck me into your window and asked me to help you bullshit that damn thesis paper for your final. That was six years ago, almost, and I wish I would have been telling you that I love you all along, maybe it would have changed the path of certain things that have happened. I'm sorry for what I've done, what I'm doing, and what I will do. It's my cross to carry. It's not your fault, it never has been, it never will be. I hope you can forgive me if I'm not here this time next year...if I don't get any better, I'll be in a coffin before our tour ends. Jeez, this sounds like a suicide note. I promise that's not why I'm writing this. I hope I'm around as long as you are. I hope we're together in the next life, whether it's as two birds that mate for life, pecking at each other's eyes, or our spirits just find one another. If God is real, all I'll need is for him to let me know you've made it up there and that you'll be okay, and I'll go to Hell and take the brimstone and fire for all the damage I've done. Just don't forget me, whatever happens. I won't ever forget you. I love you, Vivian. I won't ever forget you. I love you.

‐-Nikki

#nikki sixx #mötley crüe #nikki sixx fanfiction #nikki sixx x oc #gateway drug

[sorrymomandcat]

Thurs. April 30 2020

1:55AM and I still haven’t gotten my CREM money. 

6:10AM I’m figuring ‘why the fuck not’ let’s just be real here: Anonymous to High Priestess - let’s catch up. Before meth I hadn’t really touched any “drugs”. I’m not sure what comes to your mind when I say “drugs” but I think of weed. Misleading intro; Take 2? I smoked weed every other day (ish) drank once or twice a month.. occasionally snorted coke (free only) years ago fucked around with BS fake lean via tylenol 1′s from Floor Store. Shrooms back then too. I drank hard maybe 4 years ago but overall I shaped up well to my peers and age group. Then like, BOOM. Bad business. Or whatever. Whatever YOU want to call it. Couple bad choices, couple unanswered hands, couple of adolescent milestones, couple of deaths, couple of days worked, couple of insecurities.. then BOOM I’m smoking meth. Obviously ya? Have you wondered? Good, because it’s obviously right, right? What do you imagine when you hear the words “smoke meth”? What’s YOUR reaction? Maybe you’ll have been more cultured than I was. Not the main point today but a pivotal one. We get that, in this industry that is me posting, I am meth head. I’d like to talk in this post about the actual me with the life - career aside. How’s it been for me as hypothetically a regular human being? Feeling so dysfunctionally stigmatized yet still remembering how to use an internet on a laptop I cleverly budgeted? How to like, pull up a Blogr and utilize the alphabet? Yep. It’s a wonder. Baby even eats everyday! Hallelujah. When I am not demonstrating my abilities to function as your everyday-run of the mill-4 year post death-parentless-former liar for attention- straight A- book publishing- comedian-existential activist, I can be found wondering why the fuck this isn’t alarming to everyone. It could be due to the (mostly harmless) path of destruction left in my unintentional wake to puberty with MSN and a box of CD’s as my only vices. It could be living in what was my 33rd location in 17 years with no witness was hard to comprehend and with no similar boat to reference went overboard at the loss of an unaffordable handful of friends. Loss, to death. Like they died. I’m not exaggerating.. that’s how many places I lived. It’s normal enough, but smoking meth.. not really eh? It was a bit dramatic. Don’t stick around to understand me. Sometimes I organize a month in 2 days sometimes, definitely my eye can look baggy and I definitely think of things more precociously when using. If my sarcastic tone is not obvious, I disagree.. I think I’m worth hearing out. Yet that’s not the stance. Point out again that it’s because I’m being stupidly unreasonable. I really wouldn’t know, which is normal. That’s why I blog. Don’t tell The Alcoholic.  10:43AM All is well. Had a tarot reading. Ha ha ha jk like I’d trust anything that sounds like carrot but only has one R. *smh*

3:39PM I found it offensive when my biological father bought me the Series of Unfortunate Events trilogy as a Christmas gift back when I was in grade 4.. but now it’s just unpresidented foresight. Nobody could have intended all this. Each event of course, at a time blah blah but THIS life? Truly. I wish 14 year old me could know that we’d eventually have plent of “accepted” reasons to feel the pain we did.. and they still wouldn’t sway the events.. nature.. and unfortunate L’s to come. Future self - it’s me - dissociated self (with the sunglasses) you’re life is unreal but so are you dude. Do whatever you do, you get through this somehow. My heart isn’t really in it.. but what choice ya got? We still have these shades and that’s a win for today. Bless up. It actually is NOT your fault. Your life never has to be here again. You got dis crazy scabbed bubble of love. Look at me. I’m your boyfriend/girlfriend now! & we gettin a puppy! 

[multsicorn]

pretending this is still a blog

1. I’m only online between 8pm and 10am anymore!  And not most of that time - I’m sleeping most of that time, of course - and also doing other things IRL - so I’m on the internet for maybe 2-4 hours a day, all told, in the evening and in the morning when I’m waking up.

I’ve been trying and failing and trying again to impose some sort of structure and limits on spending time on shitty websites I don’t enjoy basically as long as I’ve had the internet, and for the first time ever I am succeeding.... (it’s the end of week two, I’ve followed my schedule every day), so... THIS IS GREAT.  I am and feel 2000% more in control of my life.

2. Probably about 90% of that online time I am spending reading Yuri on Ice fic.  And watching vids, and reading discussion, but mostly fic.  (My favorite thing is ‘Victor and Yuuri work their shit out,’ my favorite fic so far is shysweetthing’s collected works, and especially “Call Everything on the Ice.”)  (Cause anyone cared.)

3. I kinda wanna write meta cause, well, I’m me, but I get the feeling everything’s already been said.  #a year late with no starbucks.  I might do it anyway?  Especially re: Yuuri’s anxiety, cause I have zillions feelings, and I keep doing it in my own head, but... eh.  Can’t do everything, so who knows.  (It fucks him up enough to make him break up with Victor, but doesn’t keep him from breaking a world record!  Both these things at the very same time!  Not calling people cause you think you disappointed them is literally the most relatable character flaw ever!  And then just everything that’s not about getting better, but about knowing and continuing to work to find more ways to deal with this thing that is a condition of life; it’s not infinite, and not going away.)

4. I am, anyway, definitely writing fic.  (I don’t stop writing fic for a week, it’s funny to me if no one else, I go straight from one fandom to the next not missing a beat.)  Haven’t been finishing any of it (obviously), but - hm.

[At this point I went on a now redacted several page long tangent.]

Because I decided several weeks ago now to stop trying to make myself just finish things, just post things, etc. - not that I’d been having success with that, clearly.  And just try to focus on enjoying the process of writing, cause I ‘wanted to write’ all these stories in theory but never wanted to really sit down and write... and that’s been an interesting qualified success!

But has also left me quite frustrated with feeling like I’m working on trying to improve things that I don’t know how to improve, while at the same time never getting a ‘chance’ to move on to other stories.

So!  I remembered that old tumblr post about making clay pots and just finishing something, even if it’s not any good, put it out there and make the next one - I was thinking of this post, but this one by ursualvernon might’ve got in there too - and, so, well, Imma try that experimentally.  Just finish the scene!  Don’t go back to it at all!  .. we’ll see how that experiment works.

5. I still have not read any of the Year Four Check Please comics after the first mini one.  It’s a pity, cause I have all the best places to talk about it, I made place(s) to complain if that’s what I wanna do, and, after all, reading a comic only takes a few minutes, but... I just don’t wanna read it.  That’s where my fannish involvement after x months mostly on anon ended up, with me feeling that way, and if there’s one thing dumber than not reading it, it’s feeling like I ~should.~  Fandoms are transient; it’s fine.

6. I do still wanna get around to reading/catching up with definitely @coyotesuspect‘s fic though, and some of the rest of the pimms and maybe Kent/OMC content that’s been produced in the past month or two.  But I wanna do a lot of things!  Most of which I can’t fit in; I guess who knows when or if.

7. Some other things I have been doing, while being Not On The Internet: writing ~2 hours a day, wow, go me.  Learning Russian, (hopefully it’ll take this time, but I’m working through proper college textbooks), reading books, cleaning my house, (a slow but steady process), taking walks, learning to cook new things.  Art Projects that I’ve been telling myself ‘maybe someday’ about for how-many-years, finally, the time is now.  (Even if the time’s only 45 minutes a day.  And one at a time, not all at once.  It is still amazing.)

8. What is becoming of this blog, who knows.  I’m gonna refill the queue with the same mix of random stuff, and pics of Yuuri Katsuki, cause <3.  And hope sometime in maybe not too long I join/fall in love with an ongoing fandom again?  Cause I do like liking things ;D.

9. But right now, I mostly check in and catch up for ~10 min once or twice a day.  It’s not bad, and I still love you all, I just mostly love you from elsewhere right now.  (She says.  But who knows.  Maybe I’ll be insufferably spammy after I post this ‘quiet now’ post!)

#pretending this is a blog #fandom how does it work #i have also Spared you all from a list of my current fic wips #oh and like unfollow me if you want if you were following for omgcp.... #not that you need my permission! to unfollow anytime etc #but i'm...... pretty much done with that fandom..... i am pretty 100% sure #even tho i never wrote some of the fics i most wanted to write WOE #it was the same in the last fandom i left before that! SUCH IS LIFE

[winsister91]

Finally?

A/N: Okay, I think I done fucked up here and wrote something different to what you intended because I’m dumb! I knew I’d changed the scenario a bit but after re-reading the ask, I think I completely misinterpreted it lmao! I’m sorry but I’m not starting again! The general almost gist is there right?

Characters: Sam x Reader, Dean

Warnings: Implied smut, language, fluff? crack?

Word Count: 1259

My Masterlist!

~ Sam and forever tags are open! ~

Tags at the bottom and mostly taken from @spnfanficpond Sam list. Get in touch if you wanna be added or removed!

A loud bang from next door wakes you. You jolt up hastily in your bed, sleepy fog clouding your brain. It takes you a moment to remember you're in a motel and not your room in the bunker. Sam laid sound asleep in the single bed next to yours, undeterred by the noise. His and your laptops lay open on the table in the centre of the room. Books were strewn across the floor. You were having no luck working out what this damn creature was, so decided to call it a night and try again in the morning with refreshed and rested minds.

More banging and crashing next door, this time Sam did awake and sit up, his tight white t-shirt and scuffed bed hair just visible in the small amount of light.

“What the hell?” he groans, rubbing his eyes.

“It's coming from Dean's room...” you yawn, “Sounds like he just got back...”

You reach for your phone on the bedside table and click the screen on, the blaring light taking your eyes by surprise and making you wince. It was 3am, you'd managed maybe an hours worth of light sleep.

“Should we check on him?” you ask the younger Winchester. “I wouldn't,” Sam grumbles, like he knew something you didn't.

Right on cue, laughter could be heard next door, both male and female.

“Huh,” you huff, “Someone got distracted when scouting the locals for info at the bar then...”

“Are you honestly surprised?”

You sigh deeply, of course you weren't surprised. The laughter next door silenced, replaced now with moans.

“Oh god...” you whine, grimacing.

Sam doesn't reply, but rubs his forehead with embarrassment.

Banging started again next door. The familiar thud and squeaks of a creaky bed hitting the wall. The precise wall that separated your room from his.

You groan again childishly, dropping back to the mattress violently and tightly gripping the pillow around your head to blot out the noise.

Dean's lady friend sounded like she was having a swell time, her moans becoming over the top screams of pleasure, calling out his name and wailing with the full force of her lungs.

“IS HE FUCKING SERIOUS!?” you snap, roaring hysterically as you sit back up and punch at the wall, “Knock it off you pair of sluts!!!”

Nothing changes, if anything the volume somehow increases. You clench your eyes shut, gritting your teeth and trying to not let the red mist descend. The rustling sound of movement from Sam's direction grabs your attention. Opening one eye, you see him getting out of bed, throwing on a shirt and heading back to his laptop.

“What are you doing?” you question.

“Well I'm not listening to that,” he remarks, plugging some headphones into laptop's jack, “Might as well carry on where I left off.”

You whimper, throwing your head back with a light thud against the wall behind you. The realisation that you can now feel the vibrations from that pair next door's shenanigans is too much to bear. You reluctantly follow Sammy’s suit, finding your way back over to your computer and plugging in some headphones of your own. You pick out your loudest heavy rock playlist, hoping the sound of blaring guitars is enough to drown them two out as well as keep you awake.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

Hours passed. Every now and then you would tentatively remove one earbud to see if the 'action' was over. You gave up trying after the fifth attempt. Researching with Sam was a regular occurrence. You had your habits that you'd developed together while doing so. You'd take it in turns to go fetch coffee, laugh and share when you'd accidentally stumbled on not so legit lore sites, take breaks and check each other's internet history to see whose laptop Dean had stolen for a porn fix. The idle chit-chat was what made it though. You and Sam could just sit and talk all matter of subjects for days if given the opportunity. The research would probably get done a lot faster if you focused more on that. That's what made this particular session all the more torturous, besides Dean's sexual gorilla grunts echoing from next door. You couldn't talk. You had heavy guitar murdering your eardrums, and you suspected Sam was no doubt listening to some form of educational history podcast. He was such a nerd, but you thought it was cute.

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。°。

As more time dragged past, you felt the fatigue begin to hit. Sleep deprivation made your eyes tired,  the harsh light from the computer screen made them ache. Your ears were no doubt going to start bleeding soon from the loud music attacking them. Not to mention you were bored. So damn bored. The lack of interaction was mind-numbing, time to rectify this. You brought up your email, and proceeded to send Sam a message.

I'm bored.

You notice the change in colour to the light reflecting onto Sam's clothes, confirming he'd received your whiny note. You got a reply.

Ditto.

I'm making Dean's life hell today, just so you know. I need my beauty sleep dammit!

No objections here! What are you planning?

I haven't thought that far ahead...

Sam looked over the top of his screen at you. A mischievous twinkle in those hazel eyes. You raise an inquisitive eye and wear a curious smile. You observe as he slowly removes his headphones, and expresses a sigh of relief. You remove yours too, to be met with wondrous silence.

“At last!” you cheer, “I need sleeeeep.”

“Bit late for that now really,” Sam grimaces, flashing his phone screen at you to reveal it was now 10am.

“Damn you Dean Winchester,” you grumble sulkily shooting a glare at the wall he resided behind, “I at least need coffee then. Shall I do a run?”

“First,” he smiles, swishing a pointed finger through the air, “Got an idea.”

You narrow your eyes with slight suspicion, watching him head towards one of the beds and grab the rail at the bottom of it. He pulls the bed back and slams it hard into the wall.

“Whoa!” you jump, “What the hell Sammy?”

“Ugh!” he groans loudly, “Oh, Y/N!”

You choke on a laugh, not quite believing what you're seeing. You hastily join his side, grabbing the bed and aiding him in crashing it into the wall.

“Sammy!” you squeal dramatically, “Oh god! Please! Deeper! Faster!”

The immaturity continues, the both of you stifling childish laughs as you slam the bed harder and shout with all the gusto you have. Soon enough, you're putting so much effort and energy into it, you were getting hot and sweaty like the real deal, minus the tears of laughter.

“Sam!” you cry enthusiastically, “I'm so close! Oh! Ah!”

Finally, a noise from next door, the door slamming. You quickly bring a finger to your lips, gesturing to Sam to be quiet and you both fall into silence, shoulder's shaking wildly from trying to hold back your laughs. What sounds like fists start thumping on your room's door, followed by Dean's raised voice.

“Guys!!” he blares, “I mean...finally and all that but c'mon! Some consideration for others please!!”

You're practically biting your fist, mortified at his hypocrisy. After a few moments, you hear the next room's door slam once again.

“Can you believe him?” you titter, gasping for breath from all the laughter.

“Unfortunately yes,” Sam chuckles wiping tears from his eyes.

“But er...” you shuffle on your feet, “What d'ya think he meant by... 'finally'?”

Tags!

@manawhaat @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @blushingsamgirl @notnaturalanahi @bkwrm523 @whispersandwhiskerburn @roxy-davenport @impala-dreamer @deathtonormalcy56 @samsgoddess @frenchybell @scorpiongirl1 @for-the-love-of-dean @mysupernaturalfics @spn-fan-girl-173 @deandoesthingstome @jelly-beans-and-gstrings @fiveleaf @deansleather @curliesallovertheplace@whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @waywardjoy @mrswhozeewhatsis @captain-princess-rose @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @kayteonline @supernatural-jackles@idreamofhazel @wevegotworktodo @ilovedean-spn2 @babypieandwhiskey @wi-deangirl77 @deantbh @supermoonpanda @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @chaos-and-the-calm67@memariana91 @teamfreewill-imagine @chelsea-winchester @fandommaniacx @writingbeautifulmen @revwinchester @ageekchiclife @your-average-distracted-waffle @drarina1737@lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @castieltrash1@supernaturalyobessed  @mysaintsasinner @ohwritever @ruined-by-destiel @winchester-writes @deals-with-demons  @maraisabellegrey @faith-in-dean @winchestersmolder @bohowitch @clueless-gold @melbelle45 @winchester-family-business @4401lnc @sofreddie @sis-tafics  @chelsea072498 @ria132love @untitled39887 @chicagolove88

#supernatural #spn #spn fanfic #sam x reader #sam fluff #sam crack #oneshot #request

[due4amiracle]

Day 114

Early post is early!

Because we’re going to bed early!

Because tomorrow they come to the interneting and gods above and below they can arrive as early as 8am and fuck everything we have to wake up at 8am just in case they show up at 8am.

Lbr tho - they’re gonna show up at like, 5pm and shit, but it’s whatever.

They did send out an email that was like “Alright, dood hasn’t tested positive in the last 14 days, will social distance, will have a mask, have gloves, be in and out as quick as possible, please social distance, please wear a mask, please be ready.”

And i’m like, alright, i can fuck with that. 

But, today was what felt like a short day, even though i got up at 10am - but it’s only now hitting 10pm. Is only been 12 hours. i mean sure, that’s roughly a normal day buuuuuut yea.

What did i do today? i did the rest of the cleaning! Well, most of it. Exhausted myself and Sir did the last bits and bobs. So, it’s all set up for them to come in and...do whatever it is they gotta do.

Then i played Waifu and it was lovely. Got my dailies done. Fucked up the WolfBoi and let the thing despawn because i got distracted, waiting for the last tick of resin because i was at 59/60 and was just gonna wait it out, and then realized what i was doing and went back to the game...as it despawned on me. ;_; Oh well. Whatevs. Not that big a deal. xD

Other than that, didn’t really do much.

Food and Liquid were decent, Pain was on the high side of middling. Had some IBS troubles, diarrhea for..no discernible reason? Bleh. Headache, backache, hands.

#Multiple Sclerosis #OCD #Arthritis #Spoonie #Daily #Genshin Impact #Genshin Waifu #Waifu Impact #waifu #IBS #diarrhea #Stupid IBS #Fuck IBS #Headache #backache #hands

[p0is0ned]

The Lamp

I am freaking the fuck out. Before I explain I need to preface this with two things:

1) I have had very bad sleeping problems my whole life. I take melatonin every night because if I don't, I will stay awake until 7-8am, no matter how tired I am. I’m sure the melatonin is the reason I have very very vivid dreams. They are sometimes lucid too, but not every time. And I almost never have nightmares (thankfully!!!). I will write about the next weird dream I have. 

2) I used to spend hours searching the internet for stories that would scare me, because horror movies wouldn’t do anything for me. AND BOI DID I FIND THEM. I got so spooked that I stopped looking for scary stories altogether. I lowkey still get curious sometimes about them, which caused this whole thing to happen today that'll probably take days to not freak me out anymore. 

So today on the front page of Reddit was a thread encouraging people to share the scariest theories they’ve ever heard. I knew it was a bad idea but my mad curiosity set in again. Someone posted a comment with a link to this story, shared 8 years ago. It’s kind of long, so let me summarize:

A man was assaulted by a big dude and ended up unconscious for 20 minutes. While he was out, he lived another reality. He thought he was living a different, normal life with a wife and two kids, a good job, and a house over a period of 10 YEARS. He remembers the floorpan of the house, meeting his wife, getting married, having a kid, years passing, having another kid, having a job, along with some (but not all) of the details from his life. One day in this life, he noticed the lamp in the living room looked kind of off: “I noticed that the perspective of the lamp was odd, like inverted. It was still in 3D but... just.. wrong.”

So in his reality, he spent 3 days obsessing over the lamp. He stopped eating and sleeping to sit on the couch and stare at the lamp. He says he remembers his wife starting to freak out at his unresponsiveness and would even try to invite people over to talk to him. Eventually, the lamp glitched out completely and made him realize that the life he thought he had for the past 10 years wasn’t real and he came back to reality. According to him, he spent a few years after that in a depression mourning the loss of the wife and kids he thought he had. 

I don’t doubt this story is real, or at least felt as real as it did to the author, because I know the brain is an absolute BONKERS organ and does crazy things to people when it is not working right. And I know enough about neurology to know that we don’t know much about it - we can’t always tell for sure how the brain will react to trauma and we definitely can't go inside someone’s mind to know how they think and feel under those circumstances. The smallest bit of damage can make huge differences, and I'm sure perception of time is one of them. Even if you don’t believe it’s real, how can you factually say it’s impossible? EDIT: after doing a bit of reading it seems like this has happened quite a bit with people who have experienced comas or unconsciousness. Wild.

I read this story this morning around 10am and it’s now almost 4am the next day and surprise! I can’t sleep even though I'm exhausted. And now I’m too scared to lolll. This is how my day and night went tonight:

I read the story. peed my pants. I went to my partner’s house. I told him the story. I stayed way past the time I said I'd leave cuz I was scared to drive an hour home alone at night. but I left eventually. I got home and my mom was already in bed at 2:30am, which is rare because she has sleeping problems too and usually sleeps around 4. So the house was pitch black and I was like FUCK. But my cat usually sleeps in the living room at night, so I thought okay, if I see him and be able to pet him I might feel comforted. I called for him and didn't see him anywhere. fuck. ok maybe he’s upstairs with my sister. He is an anxious cat and hates to have the door closed so I assumed if he was with her, her door would be open. it wasn’t. FUCKK. I started to panic thinking I would see a glitch somewhere or something. I started to get that feeling that something was following me up the stairs. so I ran a little quicker and knocked on her door, and thank FUCKKK she was still up. I opened the door, and found her and the cat just chilling. My heart almost came out of my ass.

Now, I have such crazy vivid dreams. I’ve had dreams where I also have partners I’ve met and gotten to know for the first time during the dream. I’ve had dreams where days have passed; I have no concept of time in my dreams. I have those dreams of missing work and appointments constantly, but in my dreams, it’s always a few days after the appointment before I realize I’m late. So I’ll be sleeping for maybe an hour or less, but days have passed in my subconscious. In the past month, I’ve had 2 separate dreams about having 2 different girlfriends, neither of whom I’ve met irl. But they were so vivid I can remember every detail of them, one was even so real I had an o*gasm in my sleep (that also happens often, and not always with other people, which makes these strange worlds feel even more real). Although when I have these dreams, I don’t ever feel like I’m in love with these people. So maybe I’m spared of the heartbreak when I wake up. But other than that it’s usually really hard to tell when I’m dreaming. Just last night I was having a really strange one about seeing a doctor who looked like an old professor of mine who prescribed me medication that would cause water to flow out of my face and fix my airways. I saw other people on the same meds shooting water out of their nose and mouth and thought, damn this can't be real life. So I was triggered out of it. I “woke up”, but I woke up into another reality. I was still fucking dreaming. And this time I couldn’t tell it was still a dream. I truly just thought I was awake and living my normal life. 

So now it’s 4am, and I keep thinking about the lamp. What if I start to notice something weird in this reality just to realize everything around me isn’t reality at all? Who does this even happen to? WHAT IF MY VIVID DREAMS ARE REALITY AND THIS REALITY IS JUST A DREAM WTF MAN I CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE!!! 

I’m tired and I’m going to try to sleep. I hope my dreams aren’t too real tonight. I’m going to try to not take melatonin cuz I don’t want to see even one detail of a lamp.

[filterhoshi]

seeing monsta x at the airport in sf!

hello i really wanted to do this post!!! this day was so much fun and i met lots of people. i’m going to write this post in bullet points bc i feel more comfortable writing it this way. so .... yeah i’ll just start here?? lol this is gonna be long

so the day before, july 19th, my friends were originally going to sleep over then just head over to sfo early in the morning

we didn’t even know what time they’d be arriving so we were like ok lets just go at 5am!

they didn’t end up sleeping over so i had to pull an all nighter bc i don’t trust myself waking up

i also chose what i was gonna wear like an hour before we left bc i always do things last minute hhdfcdjh

my mom and i left my house at 5am and i was slowly getting tired so i got coffee from starbucks to keep me up

like i didnt even sleep since 2pm the day before .....

after picking up both my friends we hit the road!

there was traffic but the drive wasn’t too long and we arrived at sfo around late 7??

ive never been to the domestic terminals so it was kinda confusing

my mom dropped my friends and i off at terminal 2 and just left to go to a mcdonalds lol

my friends and i wandered around terminal 2 on the 2nd level,, we were at baggage claim and didnt really know what to do

we went up to the first level and it was like where people left to board and where people arrived?? idk how to explain it im sorry

there was a starbucks there so my friends got stuff and i didnt cos i was fine

my friend constantly checked twitter for updates and monsta x hasnt left yet 

at this point it was like 9am, all three of us pulled all nighters, and we didnt see anyone else who looked like they were waiting for monsta x

we then headed to terminal 1 level 2 and chilled there for like 30 minutes maybe

monsta x still hadnt left so we looked at remaining flights and the ones they’d most likely be on were in terminal 2 so we moved there

there were seats there and outlets so i charged my phone and we all just sat

my friend went to go get her internet friends and we all just chilled in the little seating area

it was about 10am and my mom brought us food bc we did not eat at all

my 2 friends left and i was left w my friend’s friends ..... yall i dont wanna use names bUt YoU know what i Mean

there was a guy and asked us if we were waiting for monsta x and wow !! we met another fan ! so there was just a lil group of us

lololol if u guys see this .... hi

ANYWAYS

my 2 friends came back and the 6 of us went to go to the international terminals aka on the other side of the airport

we had time to kill so why not!

((before my 2 friends came back my friend’s friends figured out monsta x would be coming at 2 or 4pm and it was 12pm at the time))

there really wasnt anything to do so we just went back to terminal 2 and continued waiting

2 other girls came and waited with us and we were like a cult

we took up half of the waiting area basically!

another girl came and i ended up talking to her for a while

it was like 2pm now?? and monsta x were coming at like 4:39

3 more girls came and we were just this huge ass group,, it was nice

honestly we thought we were the only people there but we were so wrong hjdcnjdfh

my friend’s friends soon then found out monsta x were arriving earlier and they’d be coming at 4:19 so i was like yes!!! thank u god!!!

i was lowkey getting impatient

time was going by so slow i swear and im still surprised i wasnt even tired

we all decided to go up to level 1 at 4:10 and i swear i was shakin and getting hella nervous

iDK WHY BC IT WASNT LIKE I WAS GONNA TOUCH THEM OR SOMETHING

when we went up there were like 20 other people waiting for them too and i was sh00k

more people came though eventually

my ass was just shaking the whole time and trying to prepare myself

there were fansites too and it felt weird seeing them in action lol

so it was way past 4:19 and my friends and i were just like uh??? what??

the longer we waited the more nervous i got bc they could be coming out anytime soon

people walking out were so confused why there were so many people waiting and asked us who we were waiting for

a security guard was like “who are u guys waiting for? justin bieber?” hhdfcjndj

these 2 guys came out and asked us to make way so we were guessin they were w monsta x bc they waited after telling us that

SO AT 4:49 PM

THEY CAME OUT

I WAS SHAKING

sadly everyone started to crowd and i was trying to give space but it was hard to back up

i have a video and there were a lot of people getting in my way and i bumped into so much people

OK BUT shownu and kihyun came out first

and BITCH it took me a while to register that i was them like

i just stared at kihyun for 2 seconds like ??? then i was like WAIT MINUTE IT’S THEM

the crowd started moving and after shownu & kihyun it was jooheon and changkyun

FUKCING JOOHEON’S HAIR I CANT- YALL GOTTA SEE PICS LMAO IM SORRY SWEETIE

um wonho was after jooheon and changkyun but in the video i took i noticed i barely acknowledged him shcbjdcnd

IT WAS HAPPENING SO QUICK OK IM SORRY WONHO

like i deadass skipped over him and pointed my camera to minhyuk lmfaodjfcndj surprise! minhyuk is my bias!

i still got some footage of wonho tho

ughhhh minhyuk was wearing a hat and mask but i was still WHIPPED and thought he was the most beautiful person in the room bc well i mean he was

he looked pissed tho

most of them look tired or annoyed and i just kinda kept stepping back

some people were getting to close and i tried yelling out to give space but that didnt work

HHFNCJD i yelled out “YO MINHYUK IS SO BEAUTIFUL” i hope he heard

this girl in front of me got so close to him tho like u could see it in some of my pictures and the video i took

when they were going outside to the van i somehow went from the front of the crowd to the back??? idk

they all got into their van pretty quick

some people shouted their names,, in the video i took all i heard was wonho and jooheon

i shouted minhyuk though

i love him so much dont @ me

they shut the door so quick though idk why i thought it was funny hhdfnvjd

wonho waved before the door closed so .... ye

they drove off right away after they closed the door

no one touched the van or like banged on the windows so don’t worry!

once they left

MY ASS WAS CRYING AND I COULDNT BELIEVE I SAW THEM

all that happened in less than 2 minutes i was so ajhsnsjdhcn

my friends and i were just freaking the fuck out

i collapsed onto a pole bc Holy Shit yall i saw monsta x wow!!!!! WOW

my friends and some of the people waited with just got back into a small group and looked at pictures/videos we took

we went back inside and sat down to look at everything

i was still in shock bc oH MY GOD

after like 20 minutes of just looking at pictures we decided to leave and it was 5pm

so basically my friends and i waited at the airport for 8 hours without sleep to see mx for less than 2 minutes

it was so worth it lmao

my friends and i slept in the car on the way back home tho so there’s that!

well that’s how it went down when i saw them!! idk if i should post pics from the airport since it happened a few days ago but ... yea

um idk if i’ll do a post about my experience at the concert bc it might be boring since i didnt do hitouch?? maybe ill do it,, ill think about it. if i do it,, expect it to be out in a couple of hours lol.

#monsta x #I MISS THEM SO MUCH #sorry for any mistakes #i just posted right after i was done writing without reading it again #it's too long

[ignisaurumprobat19-blog]

Nomad (full story)

initially published on r/nosleep

PART 1

February 12th, 2015, 6.42am

I'm awoken by the shrill sound of my alarm. Still half-asleep, I reflexively grab my Iphone and turn it on. The date immediately catches my eye. Yesterday, it's been five years since I got here. It's the first time I reach 5 years in the same place. Part of me is thrilled, but I can't help having a sense of impending doom.

Unlike most days, I manage to get out of bed before my mother comes banging on my door. Maybe that's because of the five-year anniversary, but I feel an urgency to enjoy every minute. If there are people to see, things to do, words to say, I have to do it. Fast.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this time I'll stay longer. Maybe this time I won't have to leave.

8.03am

I pick up Alice on her doorstep. She slumps into the passenger seat and greets me with a « Fuck, I'm so fucking tired ». I laugh, turn up the radio and we sing along, like every morning since September, when I finally passed my driving licence. The road to school is a quick one. I almost want to keep driving, or to tell her, right here, right now, that I love her and that she's the best friend I've ever had. But being cheesy isn't like me, and she might find it weird. If I leave, she'll think of this conversation as a troubling coincidence. If I stay, she'll think I'm not being my usual self and she'll worry, and I dont want to have to deal with this today. So I just park in front of school, and we go on with our day.

5.35pm

It's been an ordinary day. I've been on the alert all the time since yesterday, waiting for something to happen, but so far everything is fine. I might really stay this time. I try not to get my hopes up, but I can't stop myself. I'm alone in the car on the way back from school, Alice got out earlier. I don't turn on the radio this time. At every car that drives a little recklessly, at every red light, I sweat, I get anxious.

7.20pm

Mom cooked a roast for Dad and I and vegetarian lasagna for Chloe. Chloe's just got back from university for a two week break, and even if she answers the parents' questions, she seems.. Distant. Off. Not in a worrying way, though. More in a laid-back way, as if she didn't really know where she was, but it didn't matter. She smiles constantly. The food is delicious. My sister seems on cloud nine. For the first time today, I feel completely relaxed.

11.10pm

A knock on my door. « - Yup ? -Can I come in ? » Chloe's head appears in my doorway. « - Sure. »

She settles down on my bed. « - How's school ? -Not too bad. Still waiting for the answers to my uni applications. I don't think I'll get into a great one, but I'll be happy with anything as long as I can hope to become a doctor. -Hey, don't say that. Wait for the results before saying you won't get in. -Yeah. I guess. -And how's life ? How are your friends ? -Fine. I still hangout with the same ones, basically, but I met lots of Alice's friends so I hangout with them sometimes, too. -And what about boys ? -Nothing new on that side. I would have told you otherwise ! -Well... I might have something to tell you. -I knew it ! You're not pregnant are you ?! -Nooo ! But you know, Alex and I were talking last night, about our future careers and all, and we ended up talking about the future in general... Ad he said he planned to propose at the end of the year ! -Holy fuck ! But that's awesome ! -I know ! I'm so excited ! But I haven't told anyone yet, not even Mom, so please stay quiet for now. I'd rather wait until we're actually engaged before telling people. -Sure ! -But... You will be my bridesmaid, right ? I know you're not a fan of weddings but... -Of course I will ! Come on ! You're my sister ! » But as I say those words, my heart is heavy. I really hope I'll get to fulfill this promise.

Februray 13th, 2015, 8.20am

I slept through my alarm today. I run through the house : breakfast/shower/get clothed/ grab keys/ grab bag. Thankfully I don't have to pick-up Alice today, she only starts her classes at 10am. I sing along to the radio, even though I'm alone. I think about Chloe's wedding, her engagement party, her hen do. It's going to be so amazing ! Today, I want to be positive and allow myself to make plans. No matter what happens, I can't live the rest of my life avoiding any kind of plans. For fuck sake, that's not living. I'm singing (terribly) along to « You're beautiful » when the truck goes through the red light and crashes into my car.

August 22nd, 1999, 7.22am.

I'm awoken by the shrill sound of my alarm. Still half-asleep, I reflexively try to grab my Iphone on the nightstand, but my hand only encounters the void. No Iphone. No nightstand, even. That's when it hits me. The truck. The red light. Chloe. My life. It's over. As I start to tear up, my mind is bombarbed with informations. I know, without knowing how, that my name is Alexandra now. I'm no longer 18, I'm 24. I've been a secretary in my dad's office for the past two years, I live alone, I have no siblings and I have a 26 year old boyfriend but our relationship isn't great lately. I know what I look like, despite not having seen my reflection yet. I also know that I am dead.

First time I died, I didn't really understand what was going on. Mind you, I was four and a half at the time. I was sick, I knew that, but I didn't know I was going to die. Did my parents know ? Did they try to get me ready for it ? I don't know. I don't remember much of them. I remember a blonde woman and a man with steel-blue eyes and lines around the eyes. I don't even know their names. I always called them « Mom » and « Dad ». My name was Leah. I don't know the exact year, but I think it was in the 1980's. I just remember that I couldn't breathe anymore, and then I fell asleep, and then I woke up and I knew that I was Mary, that I was 14, had brown hair, and had to get up and go to my best friend's house. I had a new family, a new face, and a completely different body from the little girl's body I fell asleep in. I screamed for my mom, but the mom who came to me wasn't the blonde mom I was used to. I explained the situation as best as I could ; and Mary was up for three years of therapy. I simply couldn't act like a 14 year old teen. I was completely capable of doing well in school, as I had access to all of Mary's knowledge, but I didn't know how to behave with her family and friends. I was just a small child inside. I died in a car crash when I was 17. Or 8, depending on your viewpoint.

The next day, I was Claire, 10 years old. The transition was easier this time ; I could act like a child again. This time, I didn't tell anyone about Leah or Mary. I pretended I was Claire, and I didn't get sent to therapy. Claire died at 14, falling off her horse, in 1982.

Then I was Laura. Laura was different. Laura was 28, when I was only 13. Laura had a husband, a son, and a job as a sales rep in a big firm in NY. The year was 2022, and it was my first time using the Internet, which didn't help. Most of all, Laura was a cocaine addict. She didn't look like she used, at first glance. She was pretty, with blonde hair and a doll-like face. Sure, her eyes were bloodshot, but with a toddler and a time-consuming professionnal life, what else could you expect ? But as soon as I woke up as Laura, her body asked for its dose.

I killed Laura three months later.

The first time I committed suicide, I thought I would really die. I didn't think I would come back. I was only 13, I still believed there was a way out. I know better now. After my overdose, I woke up and I was Rebecca, 43. In 1973. The guilt was overwhelming, at first. I thought I had deprived Laura's loved ones of their wife, their mother, their daugher, their friend. Because of that, Rebecca got depressed until she died at the hands of an attacker, in a street of San Francisco, in January 1976.

But I realized, years later (or sometimes, years before ), that feeling guilty made no sense. Since the second I arrived, Laura was gone. Whether I killed myself or not, she wasn't coming back. If I stayed, I would only have spent more time pretending to be her, trying to be a wife to her husband, a mother to her son. And the 13 year old girl I was was too young to take care of a baby or to have sex with a 30 year old man. I know now that I took the right decision. It was better for them to grieve for Laura than to have their life ruined by me pretending to be her.

Nowadays, I don't hesitate before I committ suicide. I know the real people won't come back anyway, so if I'm unhappy in a life, I just go to the next one. When I decide to stay, nonetheless, it looks like I'm only alloted a limited time. On average, I get 4 years. Sometimes less, rarely more. The maximum so far has been 5 years and two days.

I shouldn't have stayed that long. I should have left before. How naïve of me to think that I could stay. Have a family, be a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding.

7.42pm

If I don't want to be late for work, I have to get up now. I get out of bed, head to the bathroom. In the mirror, Alexandra is looking back at me. I can't stand this. I scream, punch the mirror, grab a shard of glass and slit my throat.

June 7th, 1981, 6.32am

I wake up in the arms of a man. Before I can even get access to who I am, a severe nausea gets me running to the bathroom. The noise wakes the man up. As I vomit, he walks up behind me and lovingly holds my hair up. He whispers : « - You know, I got an idea for the name. What about Leah ? » Holding my big, pregnant belly, I stand up slowly. My eyes meet our reflection in the mirror above the sink : a blonde woman, a man with blue-steel eyes and lines around the eyes. I wonder how to tell him that less than 5 years from now, our daughter will die.

-----------------------------------------------------

PART 2

September 9th, 1985, 4.05am

I've failed.

I've failed, and now I can't sleep. Everytime I close my eyes, I see her little body going still, her chest rising and falling for the last time.

I've tried. I've been an overprotective mother. I made sure she always wore the right clothes for the weather, I breastfed her, I gave her healthy, balanced meals. But what can I do against cancer ? If only this was not the 80's. If only it was a century from now, she would have had a much better chance. But I don't get to chose that.

And now she's gone. Just like I knew she would, deep down, since she is me.

And all the last glimmers of hope, hope that I could change my fate, hope that I could make it stop, went away with her last breath.

September 9th, 1985, 10.12am

I've applied make up carefully. My blonde hair is in a strict low bun. I've ironed my black dress right before we left.

I've got to look good. After all, this is also my funeral.

My husband looks like a mess. His world shattered three days ago, and he already looks several years older. I tear up, looking at him and his devastated face.

My feelings for him have been hard to define, given that he both gave life to me and made me his wife, even though he has no idea about the first part. All I know is that I've never felt anything but pure love towards him, so it can't be bad, can it ? I didn't chose to come back here. I can't be blamed for feeling this.

I put my hand on his cheek and force him to look at me. I try to find the right words, but will there ever be anything right to say anymore ?

Our eyes are still locked when the loud screeching noise starts, and then there is nothing but pain, and then there is nothing at all.

March 21st , 2004, 10.32am

Samantha's life sounds pretty shitty, to be honest. I've only been here for an hour, but I'm not thrilled at the idea of having a husband who cheats on me, two teenagers to deal with, and crippling debt.

Not to mention that I absolutely hate her look.

Luckily, it's Sunday and the husband took the kids out to the swimming pool. A weekly occurrence, apparently. So I have another hour left to cry my heart out about everything. Everything that has just happened. Everything that happened in the past 5 years. Or everything that happened 20 years ago, if you'd rather.

It was a good life. It was a messy, disturbing situation, sure, but it was a good life.

My mother's name was Patricia, and my father's was Eric. They were good people. She was a children's book illustrator, he worked in a bank, and while they don't sound like the most assorted pair, they were crazy about each other. I had to tone that down, obviously, but it was easy to blame it on the pregnancy, the childbirth, the fatigue from raising a kid. I made sure Eric never felt unloved.

Most of all, they loved me. Oh, they loved me so much.

We were an ordinary family, but it was enough. It was more than enough.

June 5th, 2004, 3.15pm

More than two months in now, and Samantha's life is pretty shitty. But I've seen worse. She doesn't drink, smoke or use drugs. She's an housewife, and it's strangely relaxing to not have to deal with too many people during the day. Or at all, really, since her husband barely talks to her and her kids try to spend as much time as possible outside the house.

One thing that I really enjoy about Samantha, though, is that the déjà-vu feeling is gone.

It started during the pregnancy. I'd get this adrenaline rush, recognize the scene, and I knew what was going to happen in the next 10 to 30 seconds.

This has never happened, in any other life. From a young age, I've had no choice but to force myself to remember everything. When you've lived different lives, at different times, you simply cannot allow yourself to slip and say something out of character, or talk about a technology that doesn't exist yet or an event that didn't happen. It gets you into a lot of trouble. Trust me, I know.

I shrugged it off as the hormones playing tricks on my mind.

But once Leah was born, it got worse.

I had déjà-vu about once a day, and I was always correct.

It made feel... Uneasy. It didn't feel right.

And now it's gone.

April 7th, 2017, 7.12am

I haven't thought of Patricia in years. Or decades, I guess, but whatever.

I suppose it's writing all this stuff that reminded me of her. She was a good person, I suppose, but she got stuck in such a bland life. If she went somewhere when I came, too, maybe she's better now. I hope that's how it works.

Admittedly, what happened yesterday makes it obvious that I don't know much about how it works.

I was sitting on the bench, at my usual bus stop. I've been taking this bus home from work from monday to friday, at 6.18pm, for 2 years. Ever since I woke up as Sophia. I love it here. The city is nice, Sophia is young, she has cool friends and a nice flat. The time is good too. Right before it all started to break down. I'll be gone before that, of course, that's the good part of knowing history. Or the future, as they'd call it here.

The second I saw the long, overflowing yellow skirt, I was overwhelmed with this long-lost, yet familiar, déjà-vu feeling.

I knew she was going to stand in front of me, not sit, and hop in the next bus.

I could already see her long auburn hair caressing her elbows as she looked to the left to see her bus approching, standing with her back to me. Hell, I could even smell her sweet, sugary perfume.

But for the first time, I was wrong.

She walked towards me.

She stood with her back to me.

She looked to the left, saw her bus approaching.

Then she turned around to face me.

In a swift , determined motion, she grabbed my chin, lifted my face to meet my eyes.

Whispered :

« Stop telling them about it. ».

-----------------------------------------------------

PART 3

April 9th, 3.50pm, 2017

I'm going mad here. I'm so tired of all this.

After the girl with the yellow skirt ordered me to stop talking about it, I went crazy. I grabbed her shoulders and started shaking her, yelling. I don't even know what I was saying. It was like decades of anger and pain poured out of my body. People interfered to protect her, and she got away. Before I knew, I was on the bench again and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I'm so mad at myself ! I could have gotten answers, or at least a clue on what's happening.

There were colleagues around, and they saw everything. One of them got on the next bus with me and got me home safe. She even offered to cook me dinner and stay for a bit, since I was in such a bad state. I refused. I didn't trust myself to control my words.

I got called into my boss' office the next day, and I pretended the girl was someone an ex-boyfriend cheated on me with and that I lost my temper when she provoked me.

He seemed to believe it, but he looked worried about me. Kept telling me his door was open if I needed to talk.  People at work are definitely looking at me differently now.

I hate that they see me that way. I am not a violent person. I've only been violent when I had to.  Violence can be necessary, but a guy cheating on me is not a valid reason to use violence. Why would it matter to me, anyway ? All of my relationships are, by essence, short ones. I can't afford to get too attached to someone.

When I arrived at the office this morning, there was a letter for me in the mail. The secretary said it wasn't sent, it was brought. By a man, in their thirties, black hair, pretty average. That's all she could remember about him when I pressed her for details.

The letter was handwritten, black ink on a simple white sheet of paper.

The ink ran a little.

It said :

«You are not one of them, but you need to learn.

If they know, you can't learn.

If you can't learn, it will only take longer.

Be wise, as it is your nature.

Trust me, cause we are One. »

It was signed by a single letter : *« H »*.

In all my lives, I don't remember being close to a man whose name started with « H ». As I said, I haven't had many lovers. Partly because I've been a kid or a teenager for quite a long time, and also a married woman a few times, and partly because when I was a single adult, being in a serious relationship was too much trouble. I've had flings, of course, but I try not to get too involved. Living with someone when the relationship didn't preexisted my arrival is tricky. I can't be fully myself, but there's no established routine that I can rely on, either. Everything has to be created from scratch, and for someone like me, it can be dangerous to open up too much.

Not to mention the fact that when I ineluctably leaves, I'd rather have as few people as possible to mourn me.

But now that I think about it, if I met him in another life, maybe I knew him under another identity. Maybe « H » is only his name here and now. That would mean he's like me, that would mean I'm not alone.

I don't know if that's a relief or one more reason to worry.

He seems to know a lot more than I do : if he is like me, then why am I not as informed as he is ? Are there more people like us ? What do they want from me ? What am I supposed to learn ?

Why did they let me suffer so much, for decades, without ever telling me that I wasn't completely alone ?

Where were they when I was Alicia, when I cut her 15 year old wrists so that the nightly rapes she endured stopped ?

Where were they when I was  Brooke, when every second of the life I lived was spent fighting because there's no other way for a homeless woman to survive in the streets of a devasted New York ?

Where were they when I was Catherine and died in a pool of my own blood, holding the corpse of my lifeless newborn ?

Where were they when I was Amelia and died in a car crash that killed a whole family in the other car, as well as my own kid in the backseat ?

Where were they when I went from being 31 to being 15 again, and lost once again every bit of a life I had built ?

Where were they when I was my own mother and had to watch myself die ?

If they knew and did nothing, then I think I know all I need to know about them. I don't want to play a part in whatever they're doing. I don't care if I'm an aberration of nature or the result of a freak experiment. I don't want to serve anyone. I don't want to « learn ».

April 9th, 5.01pm, 2017

Ok, ok. I could be freaking out over nothing. He could be someone who works in the building, who read my posts and guessed my identity. Maybe he's pulling a prank on me ?

April 10th, 10.06am, 2017

Something happened on the bus to work.

I was hit with a déjà-vu so intense my head started to throb. She wasn't the girl with the yellow skirt, but someone much younger. 15-ish ? Curly black hair, dark brown eyes, freckles, rather cute, really. I had never met her, but I *knew* her.

I didn't see anything, this time. The déjà-vu wasn't about a moment, it was about *her*.

When she spoke, her tone was so low I could barely pick up what she said.

« Don't ask me anything. I can't answer. But please stop posting. You're not ready yet. You just have to learn. If you don't know yet, then you still have to learn. You're only making this more difficult for yourself. If only you stopped fighting, you could be ready so soon. »

Her tone was almost pleading. She kept her glaze ahead while talking. After a few seconds of silence, she finally turned to look at me.

« I miss you. »

My tears started falling down, years of them, a waterfall on my cheeks and neck.

« You can't do that, you can't, you can't just come and tell me to stop asking questions and to stop talking and to just shut up, you can't ! I'm not a puppet, I'm not your toy, please stop it, I'd do whatever it takes, please, please, I can't take it anymore, you forced me to be my own mother, please, please, please... »

People were starting to give me weird looks, but she wasn't even listening anymore. The bus had come to an halt, she was already getting up.

I grabbed her wrist desperately. She shook herself free and bended down so that her face was close to mine. Her face expressed equal parts anger and pain.

«  Stop whining, Parthenos. You never had a mother».

And with that, she was gone.

I've looked up Parthenos. It means « virgin » in Greek. I'm not a virgin, I've never set foot in Greece, and as far I know, I've never been someone who had greek origins. If she knows as much about me as she seems to, she should know that.

As much as it scares me to admit it, though, that word feels familiar.

April 10th, 1.04pm, 2017

I know who she is. I don't know how, but I know who she is.

When I was Alicia, I didn't have many friends. I was a lonely kid who tried to avoid contact with others as much as I could. I didn't trust anyone, and I didn't want anyone to know what was going on at home.

I could have killed him. I could have killed my stepdad. Before I was Alicia, I was Meryl. Meryl knew all about killing people. She didn't like it, and it wasn't nice being Meryl, but she had to. That's why I stayed for as long as I could. People needed her. The job had to be done.

So yes, I could have killed him. But I didn't. I didn't want to get sent to jail or to a psych ward. When I decided to end it, I just killed myself instead.

But while I was Alicia, there was one person I trusted. Her name was Victoria. She had long, shiny blond hair and a seemingly perfect life, yet she chose, for some reason, to hang out with the school weirdo. I was so grateful for her.

I remember that once, we were watching tv in her living room when I saw myself smiling on a picture on the wall. Myself, as Rebecca. I knew it was before I arrived in Rebecca's body : I had memories of this, but they were not firsthand memories.

When I asked Victoria about the woman in the picture, she said it was her grandmother. That gave me chills.

And now, that girl on the bus. I know she's Victoria.

April 10th, 3.42pm, 2017

I got another letter at work. Brought by the same man, according to the secretary. She paid more attention to him this time : definitely in his thirties, black straight hair, blue eyes, tanned skin, dressed smart in a dark blue suit. I still have no idea who he is.

I'm scared to open the letter.

April 10th, 3.55pm, 2017

Black ink on a simple sheet of white paper.

« Let's get coffee tomorrow, my dear niece.

8am, Starbucks on Crowne St.

Be careful who you talk to.

H. ».

---------------------------------

PART 4 (FINAL)

April 11th, 2017, 7.56am

He's already sitting at a table when I walk into the coffeeshop. Black suit, black shirt, black hair, and those striking blue eyes. He looks about 32, maybe 33, definitely not older than 34.

Sophia is 27. If he really is my uncle, then he definitely wasn't talking about this life.  

He notices me and waves, and as I meet his eyes, my head starts to throb. Just like when I saw that girl on the bus. Victoria, or whatever she's called now.

I walk to his table and sit in front of him.

Neither of us say a word.

Then he starts smiling. Bigger, and bigger, and bigger. He doesn't look threatening though, he looks.. Entertained. That pisses me off so much.  

« -Having fun, eh ? You and your friends must be having a blast, messing up with my life ! What are you ? Scientists ? Did you make your little freak experiment with me ? »  

He shakes his head, still smiling.  

« A cult, then ? »  

That makes him chuckle.  

« Oh no, no. We're definitely not worshipping anyone. » He laughs even harder at that.  

« Calm down. I'm not responsible for what's happening to you, ok ? It just... Happened. You needed it.».

« It just happened ?! That's your explanation ? I just happened to have my life fucking cursed ? »  

He sighs and takes his head in his hands.  

« Why do you always have to be so dramatic ? I'm trying my best here, could you at least try ? »  

« Try ? What am I supposed to do ? »

« Just... Remember! » He looks exsperated. « I get it, you needed it, blah blah blah, but you don't have time anymore, and now Héra found you, and... » He stops mid-sentence, shoots me an almost frightened look : « Ah, never mind. »

Hera. I feel a wave of panic through my whole body. For a few seconds, I'm confused and none of this makes sense. All I feel is fear, fear, fear, and I cannot form a coherent thought.  

Then it hits me.  

Long, flowing skirt. Auburn hair. The girl from the bus stop.  

Not too different from her real form.

I knew Hera before I was Sophia. Before I was Alicia, Meryl,  Brooke, Ciara, Jane, Alisha, Heidi, Samantha, Patricia, Amelia, Catherine, Cindy, Priyanka, Mary, Rebecca, Laura... Before I was Leah.  

Before this place was unhabited.  

Before humans were created.

I look at my uncle. I still see his current form, but I also see every one of his appearances since the last time I saw him.  

Unlike me, he didn't have to be different people. He always looks more or less as he does now, except he alters his style to fit in whatever time period he's in.  

Of course, only our kind can see him as he really is. This is no more than a disguise, a way to walk among you. But unlike some of us, he doesn't do it to manipulate you or to gain power. He genuinely always liked you, ever since I gave you life. He said you were fascinating. I didn't understand why, but I do now. I do.  

He looks alarmed when he sees that I'm tearing up.  

I choke on my own tears : « Oh, Dis... »  

I've always called him by this nickname, even though he hated it. *Mostly* because he hated it, and it was fun to annoy him.  

I can see relief flowing over his face. A tear rolls on his tanned, smooth cheek, and he grabs my hand :  

« About time. We need you. »  

« Hestia came to talk to me on the bus yesterday. Is she ok ? »

« She is. She always kept an eye on you. »  

I'm crying now. The kind of sobs that leave you out of breath, a mess of snot and tears and mascara rivers.  

I squeeze back Hades' hand and let myself break down.  

I'm back.

I needed to learn. It's both a blessing and a curse to be the incarnation of Wisdom and War. Violence is a part of me, but resorting to it have always felt like failing.

As humans multiplied, violence and war were everywhere. I did all I could, but your wars drained me.  

By becoming too involved in your conflicts, I ended up forgetting my nature.

I wanted to end you, wipe you off, so we could have some peace. But some of my kind wouldn't let that happen. They have different plans for you.

Since I couldn't end you, I had to find another way. I didn't understand you, and there were so many of you. I couldn't answer your calls. I needed to learn. I needed to experience the spectrum of human emotions. So I became one of you.

What I've learned is that you are, indeed, insignificant. Earth would be a more peaceful place without you.  

You can kill, rape, torture, bully, kidnap, mutilate, harass, enslave...  

In other words, you are just like us.

But you are also capable of love. I've seen that. I've felt that.

Learning time is over, now. Dark times are ahead.  

More wars are coming. Some of us are going to make sure they happen.

But I'll be there, humans.

I am Athena Parthenos.  

I am Athena Nikè.  

I am Athena Pallas, daughter of Zeus, niece of Hera, Hades, Hestia, Demeter and Poseidon, granddaughter of Chronos and Rhea, great-grand daughter of Gaia and Uranus.

I never had a mother, but I know motherly love.  

I can't be hurt by human weapons, but I know the pain of blades and fists.  

I can't get sick, but I know the misery of illness.  

I don't age, but I know the affliction of old age.  

I can't be killed, but I know what death feels like.

I am ready. I hope you are too.

#writers #writers on tumblr #my writing #writers of horror #greek mythology #hades #hera #ignisaurumprobat19 #sixpenceee #that's some sixpenceee shit

[oathmmori]

My internet is shit.

TL;DR My upload speed is terrible and, despite all the troubleshooting, I have to wait until Tuesday, the 2nd of May, to possibly stream. 

Last Friday evening I tried streaming, and come to find that my upload speed couldn’t peak over 100KB/s. I need essentially between 1800KB/s and 2200KB/s (1.8MB/s - 2.2MB/s) to stream effectively to Twitch. Before streaming I was on Skype with my girlfriend, Lucy, and we didn’t have any problems with the video call. Skype doesn’t require a lot of bandwidth though, so the problem could have been prior to that and after Thursday’s Cities: Skylines stream. 

When I started the stream on OBS, I went through the normal troubleshooting methods.

First I tried changing servers. I went to New York, Texas, Virginia, San Fran, even EU servers, and I was getting the same result. Couldn’t get over 100KB/s.

I lowered my bitrate, which is low to begin with to compensate for viewers with not so great internet (look at me, all considerate), and that didn’t help.

I dropped all my firewalls, both on the modem/router and on my PC. Didn’t help.

I did a speed test, and here’s the rub, I didn’t let it finish initially. I saw my download was fine, and before it got to the upload, I ended it because my logic is, if it is the internet service provider, the ISP, it’d affect both download and upload, OR it’d affect download but not upload. How very wrong I was.

By this time I was on Twitter saying my shit doesn’t work. You guys threw some ideas at me, kudos BottleCat for saying it was the ISP, you was right girl. 

I tried resetting the PC. Nope.

Reset the modem. Nope.

Reset the modem and the PC. Double nope.

Hard resetting the modem to factory settings. Nope.

Clearing cache and history on the PC and modem. Negative.

Finally did a proper speed test, then that’s when I saw it. 

68MB/s down, 03.MB/s up.

Oh. Well nice. Fuck.

So I tested it against my LTE on T-Mobile.

17MB/s down, 18MB/s up.

Welp. It isn’t the world lagging. At least I got that out of the way as a possibility. As a sidenote, it’s a bit depressing to see that my upload to space is better than my hardline upload attached to this planet. 

So I called customer service, they did some things and saw the problem, even they thought it was weird, when they pinged me and sent test packages to my modem. The guy over the phone was really nice, and when he asked me what I did, said I was a streamer on Twitch, he was like, “Oh man! I love Twitch!” so I got a follower out of it. Cool. Came down to it, they wanted to see if the modem was to blame, so they sent a tech out. 

Next day a guy comes out in the afternoon, tall Hispanic man, nice enough, didn’t catch his name. He changes out the modem and checks the signal, and the whole thing takes maybe less than 20 minutes, and just changing the modem out seemed to help. He asks me what I do, seeing my setup, He’s like, “are you a musician?” seeing all the cables and the studio mic. I tell him what I do. He makes a Twitch account right there and follows me. Baller. I do a speed test while he’s here and I’m seeing 8000KB/s upload (8MB/s), which is great, back to normal nearly, I can work with that. He and I think, job well done, we high five, and he’s gone.

Not an hour after he leaves, and the upload speed drops back down to shit. Okay, wtf. I call customer service again and they check my signal from their end and see the same thing. The guy on the phone sounds like he’s from a Slavic country and his microphone is across the room, I can barely hear him; I can’t tell you how many times I asked him to speak up, the poor Macedonian bastard. We resolve to get another tech out here at 10AM, so I set my alarms, because no reasonable American wakes up at that ungodly hour.

The tech comes by this morning, Edgar, really cool dude, super by the book, and goes through all the steps to help. He check the signal, seems fine. Sees that the speed test is garbage on the upload, and he changes out the modem again (I get their top of the line modem, sweet), we see it doesn’t help. He check the cable from the modem to the wall, not that either. He makes another cable for the wall to the modem, and that doesn’t work. He unscrews the panel on the wall and checks the connections. We turn things off and turn things on. He goes outside and checks the connections. He troubleshot all the way to the outside access point after changing cables, going around bypasses for the television, and directly connecting the modem to the access point behind my house and my upload speed was still garbage. 

At some point he also asks what I do, and I tell him. He watches Twitch, and he follows me. I’m getting all the Spectrum employees.

Edgar, bless his heart, pumped 2 hours into my house and everything outside of it, only to get to the final solution: it goes beyond the power of a general service technician. I need maintenance workers.

It’s now down to a proper maintenance worker, the guys who take care of the grid I’m in, to see what the problem is; it’s actually a problem outside of the quarter of an acre I live on. He did everything he possibly could to find a solution to the problem, to which I greatly appreciated him doing, and now it’s down to guys checking not only the points around my neighborhood, but the big box at the end of my subdivision, to see what the problem is. He suggested I do speed tests from now until around Tuesday, since he’s putting the call in and they usually check the area within 24 hours of a call, and if by Tuesday morning it isn’t resolved, to call customer service again to check the status of the maintenance to my neighborhood. More than likely the problem is affecting everyone in the neighborhood, but because I’m probably the only person trying to stream to Twitch or upload to YouTube, everyone else doesn’t notice the mild amount of lag when they upload their photo album to Facebook a couple houses down, and since it’s not affecting download rates, no one would notice any effect to their Netflix or their Hulu.

So, long story short, I won’t be back until around Tuesday, May 2nd, to streaming due to my grid being garbage for upload rates. Figured I’d keep you guys in the loop, seeing as I was on a roll there for a bit, close to getting everything I need to be considered for Affiliate Program status. I know I’ll eventually get it, but it’s hiccups like this that suck for building the channel back up after being gone for a month. 

I can still do low bandwidth stuff, like browse the internet and social media. Online games stutter, so best to just go offline mode on some things. I’ll be back on my feet in a week. 

Thanks for reading. ;)

#oathd2c #troubleshooting #irl

[sunbroste]

Test Post: Past writing (2015): ‘Uni Struggles.’ - A little blog I wrote on the ‘hardships’ of student life...

A brief introduction, then. The “On This Day” feature of Facebook, today points out that on this day five years ago... my Facebook status was: “beaten 3 times in a row on FIFA. *MASSIVE SULK.*”  ... and my second one was: “ oh ffs...someone in Cov lend me some internet?! I NEED MEW!!!” Wow, such struggles. Looking back, I am not sure how 20-year old Ste coped. Here I sit in the present day, at 25 (>_<) with a recurring stress-knot in my shoulder thanks to the stresses of my full-time job, a financed car, most Apple/Sony products under the sun, an expensively relatively unused Playstation 4, and two parents who, let’s face it, would love me to find a girl and GTFO. Do not get me wrong... owning Mew is important. Winning on FIFA, less so, now, (fuck you, FIFA)... but the point is, simpler times were simpler. This is a very legitimate list of some of the real-life struggles and hardships endured by student Ste...  N.B. At this stage, I will assume most people know the ACTUAL family struggle I had during that period. So, casting that saga aside... 1) Being unable to connect my Nintendo DS to the landlord/lady’s internet... and being unable to obtain Mew and various other rare Pokemon. 2) Having to do the washing up... once every blue moon when my housemates got fed up with me and made me do it. 3) Realising that doing the washing up once every blue moon was just too much... and eating take-out (Benny’s) instead. 4) Having between 8-16 lecture hours a week, with an ‘early start’ of 10am. (Second year, you were harsh.) 5) Finding a legit pair of socks. 6) Finding anything. 7) Running out of revision post-it’s... because I posted them all on my housemate’s door. With dick’s on them, and things. 8) Only being able to play Badminton on average five times a week... for free. 9) Having to order TWO ‘small breakfasts’ on seperate plates, because that was the discounted breakfast... and I wanted a large breakfast. 10) Being unable to eat cheesecake in the library. But eating it anyway. 11) Not ironing anything ever and going out looking like the perfect crease. 12) Losing the Wumpa Cup on ‘Crash Team Racing’. ;_; 13) Complaining every time an electricity bill came, despite abusing TV’s, docking stations, laptop charger’s, phone charger’s... 14) Waiting for the bathroom to be free. Waiting... and waiting... an- GOGOGO it’s free! Oh goddammit, too late. I’ll hold it. 15) Owning more Badminton shirts than any other form of shirt. 16) Simply inviting everyone round to our house, because the nearest pub we could meet up at was a hefty five-minute walk away. 17) Handing assignments in at 11:59, having completed it in only two hours, and still being disappointed to scrape a ‘pass’. 18) Having to use Wikipedia as the scientifically objective research form, because finding a book in the library was... well, don’t be daft. Wiki is easier. 19) Having to put headphones in at 3am... cos somebody was having rampant sex. 20) Being told to put headphones in at 3am... cos apparently Muse was too loud. 21) Passing out on booze before 9pm and having your friends rip your jeans in an attempt to remove you from the kitchen floor. 22) Being the scruff who could get ready in under five minutes, and having to wait days for everybody else to do their hair. 23) Realising that cheesy chips are actually really overrated, and going back for some greasy chicken. 24) Air-conditioned lecture theatr-zzzzzzzzzzzz 25) Being the only ‘Northerner’ and frequently having to defend my use of the legitimate word.... ‘t’ 26) Carrying heavy shopping back from the shops... because baked beans with everything. 27) Getting portioned more meat and potato than anyone else when having a house dinner, because I didn’t like the green things. 28) Responding to “how’s your dissertation going, Ste?” With “I’ll think of a topic for it, soon.” 29) Accepting that your social awkwardness will one day catch up with you when you leave, and not everybody has exactly the same interests... 30) Binge-watching TV shows because everybody has ‘that housemate’ with the 100 tera-byte hard drive... filled largely with porn. 31) Deciding whether to be the guy that farts loudly and proudly, or witholds it and casts internal suspicion on the entire group. 32) Living by ‘swear jar’ rules. 33) Rating girls in ‘Football League and position’ terms. 34)  Not knowing whether to take one, or two power-naps in the afternoon, to catch up on your sleep-debt from waking up at 1pm. 35) Realising that sleeping with teddies is, actually still acceptable. 36) Lending aftershave because yours smells like sewers. 37) Having to down your drink because it has a small, circular chunk of copper thrown into it. 38) Having “No thanks, I don’t drink tea or coffee.” met with “AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A NORTHERNER?!” 39) Teaching everybody south of Derby what 9 ‘while’ 10 means. 40) Being excited about breaking-up and going home for Christmas/Summer, so that you can do nothing in even greater quantities, with different people. The list could go on... but I can smell my tea. Being cooked for me... by Mum. Oh, the struggle! :)

#blog Uni life writing list studentlife coventry unilife oldwriting