#not me crying at my own response

[foreverascout]

CEMETERY :  for one muse to find the other at a gravestone. (from annie lolllll I love the angst)

Scenarios || @littlequeens

Jean stood before Sasha's grave, the path he taken many times before. He visited her almost as much as Mikasa went to Eren's. This time marked the anniversary of her death, his shoulders heavy with the unyielding loss. The crisp autumn breeze swirling around him, carrying with it the scent of fallen leaves and memories long past. He traced the letters of her name etched into the cold stone, his fingertips lingering on each curve and line as if seeking solace in the touch.

A mix of emotions struggled within him – grief, anger, longing. Sasha had been more than just a friend; she had been a beacon of light in the darkness, a source of laughter and warmth even in the bleakest of times. Not just for him but the whole team. Jean took off his hat, clutching it against his chest as he knelt before her final resting place. He wished he could turn back time, rewrite the cruel hand of fate that had snatched her away from them. If only he had been more aware. The guilt of that day would never leave him.

But all he could do now was whisper updates of their lives to her, let her know she was always in his thoughts, hoping against hope that somehow, somewhere, Sasha could hear him and know just how much she was missed.

With a heavy heart, Jean rose to leave, knowing that no matter how many times he visited her grave, it would never be enough to ease the pain of her loss. He placed his hat back on his head, turning around and seeing Annie standing at a respectful distance. Jean paused, jaw clenching as he gained control of his emotions, "She was your friend too" Jean pointed out, beckoning her over with a tilt of his head. "Did I ever tell you about how we had to tie her up before a mission" he chuckled, deciding to take a seat in the grass in front of the stone again with Annie.

"It was a feast, red meat brought out to every table. She was uncontrollable. We had no choice but to tie her down..." he started the memory, leading into the tale but deciding to leave out the fact it was the last meal for many. Even so, the memory had him smiling, as he sat beside the blonde, recounting the years Annie had missed.

#;ic #littlequeens #not me crying at my own response #not sorry tho

[rawliverandgoronspice]

behold: my least favorite string of words in the entirety of Tears of the Kingdom.

#totk critical #totk #tloz #gerudos #when will my brain return from the imprisoning war.... #I just stumbled upon it again doing research yesterday and.... #there's so many layers as to why it aggravates me #that it's spoken from the perspective of a masked woman as to embody all gerudos while removing her own identity #in the context of her loyalty to rauru as well #that giving birth to a bad man makes you responsible for his actions (he's not a toddler anymore he's an adult ok) #or more metaphorically that your initial conflict with hyrule makes you Sinful and cursed and you must Feel Bad Now *shame shame* #that she's passing on that ageless guilt with no expiration date onto the shoulders of *a teenager* and it's considered GOOD??? #(wind waker shaking crying right now) #ALL OF THAT to prop her up to swear her loyalty to the people planning to go murder their ancient king (sure he's a Bad but still???) #using some sort of weird ass original sin scenario that is arguably not any gerudo's fault but Ganondorf's #(or if it is then it's not shown so ???) #the vibes are so so so off I just really !!!!! don't like #this is stuff like this that makes me reject that it's a good story about alliances being formed in good faith #because this is just manipulative #maybe the alliance angle everyone's stronger together was the intention but the execution is another story entirely #gerudos never benefited from ganondorf's actions also #so it's not even a case of making reparations for the way you benefit from systemic oppression due to your ancestor's actions #gerudos won literally nothing in ganondorf's war #apparently he even subjugated them if they weren't on his side (like.... a king would.... not to excuse it but the double standard here) #so it just instrumentalizes the ageless sin of motherhood + suffering under a bad monarch billion of years ago for war #so uhhh.... yeah that's not... that's pretty bad imo #the gerudo girl could have went “hey girl this man used us and still hurt us to this day let's kick his ass once and for all” #and this would have been a different story entirely #a little cheap but not.... That Bad

[recitedemise]

𝗠𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝗚𝗮𝗹𝗲'𝘀 𝘃𝘂𝗹𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗴𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗱𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗹𝗼𝗽 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀, 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗠𝘆𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝘂𝗹𝗽𝗮𝗯𝗶𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿. This lengthy headcanon will refer to canon dialogue from mostly Gale, sometimes others. Reader's discretion is very much advised. There will be in depth explorations into grooming, emotional abuse, heavy manipulation, and suicide.

First, let it be said that Gale, a mortal man, will always be the powerless one in his dynamic with Mystra. Of course, nearing forty years of age, he remains entirely responsible for his own actions, his own foul blunders and every hurt he'll cause, but it's important to remember who formed much of who he is: his goddess, his deity, and egregiously, his lover.

Mystra is power. Mystra is possibility. She knows what sway she holds over her Ioyal, vulnerable, and entirely mortal followers. In all ways that matter, they are but lambs she can steer and herd as she sees fit. She knows they can't deny her, and knows they'll never want to. Gale's sheer servitude and complete devotion; to the very quick of his bones, she lapped them up.

Gale: I was just... practising an incantation. Player Character: No, there's more to it than that. I know devotion when I see it. Gale: What can I say? She's—she's Mystra. I can't describe it, the need I sometimes feel to see her - to draw the filaments of fantasy into existence... Mystra is all magic. And as far as I'm concerned, she is all creation. Player Character: I didn't realize the depth of your devotion. Gale: Magic is... my life. I've been touched with the Weave for as long as I can remember. There's nothing like it.

Gale, orb in his chest, doomed to be eaten by the very thing he loves the most, still speaks so reverently of the goddess, of his lover that has left him to die. He conjures images of her memory—and she is all the while forgetting about his.

Minsc: Gale reminds me of vremyonni of my homeland. The man-mages of Rasheman. While the girl-folk go on to rule as wychlaran, Weave-touched boys were hidden away. Trained to work their craft in silence and secrecy. It is an old custom, not well-observed. In truth, I thought it born of caution after some catastrophe of wizardly men-folk of old. Now, I wonder if it was not done to hide them from Mystra, and the snares she sets for young and prideful boys, hm?

Tales of Mystra's treachery spreads far, leaving those familiar waters surrounding Gale's tower in Waterdeep. They whisper her name, afraid to utter it one time too many, suspecting, perhaps, that she'll show in their mirror like some Faerûnian Bloody Mary.

Talent rouses Mystra. She can see who uses the gift of the Weave and feel them, sampling whatever delight sings their veins as they pull from her domain. Not unlike a spider, she'll follows every tremor that strikes her as just a sliver more profound; and Gale, a prodigy, plucked the Weave's web to so garner her focus. And like some black widow scurrying, she surged down that ripple to prey on a boy. There, Gale, so impressionable, was just a mite older than twelve whole summers. He sat so stunned, beholding Mystra as she lured him into the cradle of her Astral domain. Bathed in her magic, pleasantly coddled within that glittering cosmos, Gale felt blessed in a way he'll struggle always to recount, no word, no language, fit to describe it. He felt chosen. He felt seen. And potently, to a child, he felt loved. Now, imagine a child experiencing something like that. Imagine what they'd think, how brilliant they must be when stood beside the rest. She told him he was gifted, made his heart swell not unlike a child's appetite for praise. She knew what she was doing by offering these morsels, by preying on a child's most delicate mind, and Gale, child prodigy, was already so awash in the idea that his value was in magic. Unfortunately, Gale, susceptible, had no way of squirming out of his goddess' grasp.

Reality: She's laid down the seeds to creep into his heart. When he's just old enough—seventeen's sufficient, she thinks—she stakes her claim and makes him hers.

Gale: My virtuosic talent once caught the eye of the goddess of magic herself, Mystra, who named me her chosen and her lover.

Gale is stunned when she takes him to bed the first time. (Is this really happening?) Mystra claims his mouth in a kiss, taking everything she knows he offers so willingly. Mystra, of course, is not so stunned.

Dream Visitor: An elder brain... one of the cruelest and most powerful creatures in existence, enslaved by mere mortals. Gale, tasked with Mystra's missive to sacrifice himself: This is it... I must do as Mystra commands.

Gale has worryingly low self-esteem beyond his magic. As already explored, his entire worth as a man hinged on and was built entirely off his talent as a wizard. He fought tooth and nail for any crumb of affection Mystra would offer his way, something she only gave him at all seeing his gift as a child. He wants her forgiveness. He desires it genuinely. He believes so firmly that he has wronged his goddess, buying into the idea that sacrificing himself will right his wrong. She holds such dominion over him, making him reduce his confidence in himself into a mere, trifling pittance; after all, she wasn't just his lover, but the patron deity he prays to. And regardless, Gale is a people pleaser, his initial acceptance of her missive coming as no surprise.

After all, Gale, at times, goes to incredible lengths to appease his audience. This habit, compulsion, impulse, whatever you want to call it, is a quality that was relentlessly exacerbated in his relationship with his immortal paramour. He wanted to content her, felt all he did was never enough, for as a matter of principle, he was oceans, leagues, and entire galaxies beneath her. Gale figures: well, how can a short-lived dalliance satisfy a god? He had to make her happy. Indeed, he'd done everything she'd ask. He'd bedded her how she liked, kissed her how she wanted, and of course, even said those words she'd said tasted best. She was his lover, a lover that never tended to his own needs and pleasures, and he fooled himself into thinking that's enough. He won't bend backwards for everyone, mind you, but if you're of the ones he would, he would stop at nothing to make you happy. After all, people pleasing is a way to keep oneself safe, a trauma response to sidestep discomfort, and though it achieves only a direly tentative peace, when that is all you've been fed, you will pursue it.

Gale did not want to lose Mystra; he couldn't bare the sting of it. And so, when Elminster visited him, Mystra's call for his death offered oh so callously, Gale, heartbroken, felt that part of him kick up. He couldn't endure the guilt, was so hungry for a chance to let his weighty heart breathe, even if it meant dying in the process.

At least this way, he'll finally do something right. At least this way, Mystra will forgive him, and all his friends will survive.

Gale: After I was afflicted with my condition, I locked myself in my tower for an entire year. I was inconsolable, wallowing in my self-inflicted tragedy. I'd given up on myself.

As a byproduct of people pleasing, Gale, too, is all too quick to accept all guilt. He self-deprecates, gaslights himself to a venomous degree, and twists his reality in so cruel a way as to make him the villain Mystra'd led him to believe. He self-flagellates himself, the first one in the world who will throw Gale of Waterdeep a mental punishment. Mystra's a goddess, after all, seen as utterly faultless, and twined so tightly with a being so mighty in esteem, Gale slipped into the role of the guilty often. When tied with anyone with grandeur like this, so immeasurable in their own self worth, it's important to keep in mind this: you are nothing but a prop in which to fulfill their ego. Gale was not Mystra's, not by a long shot. Rather, Gale was a tool, simply her mortal extension.

And he took every blow meant for her... a common and terrible habit for many people in imbalanced, ego-fueled relationships.

Gale's life beyond her wasn't something that interested her. She took most of Gale's devotion, manipulated his life to be her sole mantle of attention, for Mystra is not a goddess that shares very happily.

Indeed, long before his self-imposed isolation, this jealous deity did well at keeping him isolated.

Player Character: Picture kissing him. With tenderness. Then, with passion. Gale: I... I didn't think— Narrator: You perceive quick-fire embarrassment, trepidation, and finally... elation.

And so, cheated out of love, so reduced in his value as a man and lover both, suffice to say, Gale's slow to believe he can ever be loved. That's what happens when you're with someone so cold, consistent only in their infinite lack of respect. Gale looks at fondness, and he feels—confounded, to be sure. He thinks, is this truly mine to have? He doesn't know what to do, is nearly forty in game, and despite having lived decades devoted to one relationship, he feels, at the same time, entirely out of depth. To be frank, he greets it with embarrassment, like he's been caught red handed with something not his at all. He's like a child caught rummaging with his hand in a cookie jar, all this isn't mine to enjoy, not mine to indulge in, but he thinks, startled, but god, do I want. He wars with disbelief, uncertainty, and need, and in so many ways feeling utterly starved, with just a glimmer of affection, he falls fast into love.

Scenario: (And if properly romanced, it changes his world.)

Gale: In her (Mystra's) likeness, I used to read a thousand stories. She was beauty, wisdom, elegance, power... she contained universes. But now... it is hard to see any redeeming qualities in a lover who condemned you to death. I'd much rather gaze into your eyes than hers. Yours are capable of tenderness and feeling... No god could ever compare.

He says it with sincerity. There is such wonder, such love, and such awe in his eyes. He makes the act of kissing him feel like you've just reached into the trenches to but pluck him soundly from his ruin and despair. You think, Gale Dekarios, how unloved have you been all this time?

Gale: To know you love me for the man I am, and not the magic I command… none have loved me so purely before.

The answer is: entirely.

For so long, Gale thought love was simply being chosen. He knew nothing of being favored for the quality of his character, to be cherished and accepted even in those ways he fumbles and lacks. Again, his needs were seldom met, often treated with utter indifference by Mystra herself, and to meet someone so eager to treasure him, dote on him in a way his heart, his body is somberly new to, raptures his spirit and captures his soul. He's seen for who he is. He's... loved, desired for his silly quips, his easy smiles, and his growing affections. He bares himself to them, and in turn, they cradle his heart like something entirely precious. Gale thinks this has to be dream. He says, at times, you are more than I deserve.

Scenario: (But sometimes, he hopes too strongly and loves too greatly. As it always does, then, like he's once more wanted too much, he watches something beautiful slip right through his fingers. Of course, Gale Dekarios. Of course it does.)

Player Character: I didn't know you felt so strongly, Gale. Gale: Perhaps I should have done more. Been more charming, more flattering, harder to reach... but I was only myself, and sometimes that isn't enough.

They don't love him anymore. It breaks his heart. He hurts so much, so profoundly and deeply, and he doesn't realize that he breaks their heart in turn.

Unable to ever voice his feelings with Mystra in any way that amounted to much, Gale's a tendency to wallow, expressions coming off as potentially 'guilt-tripping' and even, on occasion, passive aggressive. Firstly: Gale NEVER means to manipulate emotions, and he's no intention of twisting anyone's arm, either. Fact is, Gale, never taken seriously when he'd bared his vulnerabilities to the Mother of the Weave, can end up saying just a little too much. He feels very deeply, and for most his life, seldom had an outlet for these weeping sentiments. He sometimes lets slip raw words and oftentimes heart-wrenching expressions; all the same, it's not so pitiful as to shepherd an outcome, but rather, is a gesture taken by a man so desperate to be heard. It may feel like scheming, but the truth is far, far greyer: feeling as though he's no right to share the depth of his heart, Gale simply lets it geyser out in a way he can't cork up. In ways he doesn't realize, he's adapted to this ache, passively reacting so his feelings can at least be seen and recognized—no matter how pitifully unwhole. With someone who values so little his thoughts... well, when he slips into these moods, one can hardly feign shock.

Situation: (And if no one shows him trust and tenderness, any true care in his character or worth, Gale gets swallowed up by how wronged he was.

He thinks: Let me be a god. Let no one hurt like me anymore.)

Gale: They only want us to serve them, pray to them...and ultimately, to die for them. But what if we didn't need them? What if we wielded their power instead and helped ourselves in all the ways they refuse to? I could make that happen.

Gale is not above anger, and as stated, he is not above pettiness; however, more than that, he is not above righting himself whatever wound he was struck. Gale, if not offered much by ways of affection, understanding, is made to believe that one idea that's lived growing in his mind: Gale Dekarios is far from sufficient; he has to be more. He has to be better. Gale, in such an unkind ending for himself, sips too desperately—and perhaps greedily, too, but desperately serves as a far better word—at that idea that he needs power. And so, wresting the Crown of Karsus for himself, he spites Mystra in his own way, becoming a god he feels is leagues better than she will ever be. Damn her thoroughly. Damn her ego, her power, and her endless indifference. He will serve the people, protect them, and in ways Mystra never could, better the world.

Situation: But as a god, he loses all sense of his kindness. Humanity. All who loved him leave him, and even Tara spurns the image he's become. With power, he's gained the respect he thought he always wanted... but in turn, he lost in even greater measure all the love he's known.

Endnote: But healing, knowing to forgive himself and knowing he's deserving of care simply for being Gale Dekarios will remain, always, the best path for him.

#HEADCANON. #Oh... anyway. This. Was. A lot. #And it was a lot for me mentally and emotionally to write. #So much of this hit home. #Gale isn't perfect. He can be petty and immature—a byproduct of not being all too good at venting his frustrations when #it gets to a point. He has very bad self esteem. He is not forgiving of himself and is too forgiving of Mystra. #He endured FOR DECADES the cold indifference of a goddess he called his lover. #I know people dog on him because he's a grown man with these hurts and traumas and responses #but just because his trauma manifested in ways you don't find palatable or hot or sexy #doesn't mean they aren't scars left by trauma buddy!!! #And quite frankly that bit about God Gale sounding vindictive and angry #yeah! SOMETIMES people who have so cold and uncaring and belittling a partner #end up angry. You shoved someone into a corner and hounded them for SO LONG. Don't start crying when they rear back on you and bite #I have a deep connection with godhood Gale. But obviously a healed Gale that finds love and acceptance in himself is so much healthier. #I'm rooting for you Gale (always). #So much of this was typed up with a lot of first hand experience so... to say this was a Gale exploration #as much as a way to navigate my own trauma is an apt one. #No two tales of abuse are alike of course. Gale's experience isn't my experience. But I can sympathize a great deal. #TL;DR: This meta post means a lot to me. K. Thanks.

[kaddyssammlung]

#I need to share this because it just made me feel something. I'm crying. Lord behold I am acutally crying. That is rare. #I'm not making fun of my own trauma responses btw. okay maybe I am #i'm sorry if this was posted before #sleep token #sleep token worship #sleep token TikTok #maybe I should make a Shirt were it says “team dissociation” XD

[emelinstriker]

bro i'm actually fuckin crying

i was having anxiety the entire night over more random people from the other blog pulling up in my inbox and harassing me over shit i've already explained, but i woke up to like 4 messages and all rather wholesome and aren't accusing me

the fact that i haven't cried a single fuckin time the past 1-2 weeks of me knowing about this bullshit and just bottled it all up- and it just all comes all crashing the fuck down after seeing the sudden overwhelming support of people that actually read and understand context

it's literally only 6am here and i'm bawling my eyes out

i love every single one of you who isn't blindly jumping in on the fuckin hate train i wasn't even supposed to know about :'D

will be responding to them once i'm back in my room after school! fghfndghdfg already read through them tho, but i gotta go in a bit and can't type it all out hgfdgnfdhgnhdfg

#emelin qna #esau qna #been practically crying for an entire hour at this point #the entire fucking time i felt like the only ones defending me were my friends i talked in vc with #and they all got pissed the more we saw of this #like we talked about the entire thing since the start and i was even going to post an entire response to the first vague rant #to clarify things and tag the blog involved since they didn't tag me #i literally still have the entire finished response in my drafts #but then the 2nd rant dropped and i saw how many people were just randomly agreeing with them fully #even when you could literally tell they never even investigated anything themselves #even people that used to interact with me decided to blindly join in #again- without anyone telling me about it even happening #and they're probably still looking for excuses to rant on me about “pedophilia” and “slaves” when i've literally already clarified shit #which is why i said that at this point the topic has hit a brickwall #cuz at this point they're just invalidating my own points just so they get more validation themselves

[redisaid]

WIPs and their problems (just listing/posting these to motivate myself to figure them out, as I do):

Blue Moon 10 - Having Sylvanas justify herself/apologize for herself for all of WoW is sure an ask that I put on myself, but is also absolutely necessary for the story to continue. I've not been feeling ambitious enough to tackle it lately. Her bulleted list of topics to go over is a page long by itself...

The Weight 2 - Honestly, I lost inspiration on this one, but I do still really wanna do it. The fact that I'm doing a sad Warcraft 3 rewrite, again, is also intimidating me. It's going to be a lot of ground to cover.

Equanimity 2 - Tackling the POV character after a long time skip has made me struggle to understand her. I've attempted the opening to this four times now and hate all of them. Damn you, Liadrin.

A promised Valadrin oneshot for the series - I need to be in the mood for some serious conflict/dark thoughts and I am just not and have not been, or put them into The Weight instead.

A promised Valvanas smut - The level of horny on this one is too damn high for me right now.

#this is not a cry for help or anything #posting a list makes me feel responsible for solving it and is more about self-motivation than anything else #once again my greatest enemy on all this is my own expectations

[thebirdandhersong]

am I simply............. to be an educational pit stop and temporarily necessary mental/emotional/spiritual support for the men I love for all time?? like yes the two boys I've loved in my life I DID love with all my heart however the first only started reading the Bible regularly and investing in his church community after I broke up with him (these were things I kept suggesting while we dated, but which he brushed off and didn't take seriously) and now it's looking like I am an emotional bookmark for the second. like I'm in between one page of his life and the next, and am helping him process and am teaching him how to deal with his emotions properly, but what I'm doing for him is literally all that I will be to him, and he likely won't remember me when I move out of the dorm and graduate.

#i DO love him i DO want to help him #however i do wonder why he's chosen to confide in me. why he asked me to keep him accountable for something #that by all rights was his responsibility and his own romantic business #he IS young and he IS kind of immature in this area and i get why he asked me. i really do. he was afraid and i'm his friend. #but anywayyyyy this has been a TIME #i am trying not to be like well why is it my job to better these men #not to give myself too much credit LOLLLLL it's not like i'm drastically shaping them in any way shape or form #it's just. i know how much attention and hidden care and worry and affection and consideration i put into all of this #i too would like to experience it the other way around #where i am not the only one who is paying attention to these things and wanting to support and care for and watch over the other person #not that i'm doing anything with the expectation of reciprocity. goodness no i'm not stupid enough to expect anything now #but it would be really nice. REALLY NICE. to not be giving and giving and giving #and then going back to my room and then crying my eyes out because it feels like it's either all for nothing or has no weight to the boy #the waiting room chapter

[fisheito]

Imagine you have to set up yakumo's enclosure for the next couple months. How do you set it up and what do you put in there?

oh NO.! THE PROPPHECY HAS BEenm FUFILLED

i am standing in my room, leggies rooted to the floor. i am in shock .frozen and i have no idea how to proceed. there is a perpetual pathetically sobbing serpent under my blankie.

#stares at the camera and stage whispers #i can't be responsible for another living creature. i can't. or . er. i can. but I SHOULDN'T #i'll have to suppress every violent urge in my body to keep this thing alive for several months #i CANNOT fling him out the window. i WILL NOT grab his entire face and squeeze. I SHALL NOT chew on his tail. #now i'm reminded of that post where it's a pretty princess cage on the floor and comments go [that aint big enough for a dog] #and OP is all [it's not FOR a dog 😀] #yeah. that's me right now imagining a full grown yakumo in a cage by my bedside #SO FOR EASE OF MY IMAGINATION AND TO increase yaku's chance of surviving these next months #i'm going to try real hard to imagine him exclusively in pocket snake form (scrunches up my face in valiant effort) #his enclosure (crib?!?!) is flanked on all sides by eiden plushies #since yaku is an adult there is a smaller chance of him suffocating on eiden in his sleep. wait. actually #arranges the eiden walls to give some pockets of air. i don't trust him. he WILL suffocate on eiden given the opportunity #he gets one of those tiny dollhouse cooking sets for enrichment LOL #or i'll give him a bunch of those make-your-own gummy kits with elaborate setups and tiny egg gummies #crying yaku is the excuse i need to finally get a humidifier #i can survive not misting myself.. usually... but yaku will cry himself into dehydration. it's misting time #he gets an entire alcove closed off in the corner with his basic needs met. i cannot perceive #he can lurk in privacy as much as he wants. there are at least TWO hot rocks in there with garukaru's faces painted on em #there is a duplicate open-space alcove next to it for when he actually wants something from me LOL #is he a free range snake? can i take him to a bunch of restaurants and shove food into my sleeve for him? he wants to sample the delights.. #tempted to put a bell on him just so if he gets loose in the basement i'll know to fish him out #but he's pretty cautious... he won't get into any fatal situations in the house right? ...does he know how to swim?! #at least one day is reserved for testing yaku's swimming capabilities. #he is going into the bathtub while it has a film of water. gonna test his traction. i hope i won't get panic-strangled #asks

[loppiopio]

live izaya reaction to chapter 29 (honey python) of a cheap imitation.

#durarara #izaya orihara #a cheap imitation #shitpost #i made a thing #tumblr wouldn't let me upload more than one video in the same post so this a stray from the 🥥 post #this one might be funnier on its own though so maybe it works out #i expect the notes on this one to not exceed the single digits hsgsds #but hey it is a thing i made so i'll leave it here for posterity #unlike the others in the 🥥 post this one was specifically made for marketing #which is a thing i started doing on twitter to try and entice my book club victims to read a new chapter of the fic #at a pace i thought would be more fun #so it's supposed to be very ??? since my intended response was meant to be like “??? wtf is going on in the next chapter” #“i've gotta read it” #“oh” #“no” #and it did work for one friend lol #so mission success #anyways maybe someone here will enjoy it too who knows #the sounds btw are just michael jackson noises it was supposed to be a reference to that one voiced meme of the shit bunny crying #and then placating themselves by imagining them railing their fav #y'know #the shit bunny by @battleguitar on twitter #https://twitter.com/battleguitar/status/1622025684670631936 if you want to see the comic #i tried my best to find whoever voiced it but i think that post must be gone :( #i have it saved though as a reference so if anyone wants it i guess dm me haha #ACTUALLY HOLD UP I JUST FOUND IT NOW #https://twitter.com/coalbones/status/1622112973102669829 :000 #thank you for your service twitter user @coalbones

[dreamlogic]

2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70% #i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op) #but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself' #and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time? #and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

[saeshiraw]

tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one? #the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

[dmc-questions-anon]

prototypelq:

"Looks like I`m back again with some new Subhuman agenda!

Subhuman is 100% perfect thematically for Dantes arc in dmc5. 5 Loves its parallels to 3, and it doesn`t end with the same general level structure, shot-to-shot perfectly copied cinematics but also continues into the character arcs! One twin climbs the tree (=tower), giving into his hurt/hate and this makes him tap into his demonic side (which the series associates with these emotions), and the other follows, all the while his interaction with other characters lets him appreciate humanity (as in, kindness and morals) which allows him to grow as a character. But, this particular parallel is reversed - as in Dante is the twin to loose himself to hurt this time, and V(ergil) has to grow and learn, and Subhuman and BTL respectively, perfectly capture this.

BTL is loved and praised (righfully), especially for all the emotion it conveys, but Subhuman is... not appreciated as much. I'm not here to judge anyone's music taste (I didn't think I was able of liking somehting so heavy before playing the game, and tbh, without the gameplay to accompany the song, I don't think I'd enjoy it as much on it's own), but I think Subhuman deserves more credit for being a banger fun song, AND for perfectly translating the emotionsof the character behind it (= Dante running straightforwardly, abandoning his allies and friends in a vulnerable state behind, for the kill on Vergil, basically consciously agreeing to commit his greatest regret that haunted him for decades a second time with no remorse).

tldr Subhuman is great"

(Song Interpretation)

Subhuman (Dante's Theme from DMC 5)

First off, yes, Subhuman is an absolute banger. Though it did honestly take multiple listens before the song grew on me.

I'd have to disagree with you that Dante was going to kill Vergil with no remorse though. The fact that he doesn't want to kill Vergil is the reason he, as you said, runs straightforward for the kill on Vergil. I'd say that if he actually genuinely wanted to kill Vergil he wouldn't have been so laser focused on doing so. He's trying to get it done and over with. It's like ripping off a band-aid, the slower you do it the more it'll hurt, the faster you do it, the quicker the pain will be done and over with, I think that's Dante's thought process here. I also think it's worth noting that Dante does try and reason with Vergil while he's Urizen, right before he eats the Qliphoth Fruit.

I have a lot more thoughts on Dante in DMC 5 that I was going to type out here, but I've ultimately decided to put my Dante in DMC 5 analysis in a separate post because I think I'll have an easier time transitioning to new subjects in a post that's meant to be an analysis and not just a response to this.

#Here's to hoping that putting the analysis in it's own post + an outline that's more than just in my head will help me word things #because part of my issue I think was transitioning from my response into the analysis #It just felt out of left field and I think the new post will fix that #Devil May Cry #DMC #DMC 5 #Dante DMC #Song Interpretation

[kyuzuberri]

man why does my family treat me like im not a human :(((

#Like bro i get it you all just woke up but like #I did not sleep at all + i was studying which made my brain numb #and when i wake up all annoyed you all tell me i got attitude issues??? #And lets ignore how my sisters literally TORTURE me to wake me up #And when im quiet all day yall ask me to talk??? #Dude talk about what you guys dont even want to listen to me? #and then when i talk to myself and inanimate objects you all start thinking i have a boyfriend? #what is that logic 😻😻😻 #maybe start considering me as a human who actually gets hurt and feels stuff ill start acting normal again #in the meantime #keep on using me for only your own purposes and talk to me when it concerns you only #and think of me doing stuff for you all as a “responsibility” that i have #BECAUSE IM NOT A HUMAN !!! #and ofc only my sister is stressed about her exams because i dont cry about it like her #oh no no wait till you find out what i actually did the whole past year cuz #i was so emotionally frustrated and brimming with all that ew emotions that i had to take out out somehow #its a shame how i think they know yet they dont care

[etherylelixyr]

Anyways. 10pm rant bc I can

#psych2 in 2 days. done. ZERO. revision. #gonna do a chem paper instead bc fuck that. and then another chem paper bc fuck doing psych ig #then watch some psych question tutorials/walkthroughs bc i honestly have No Idea how im structuring a few of the essays #yippee (screaming crying throwing upppp) #and X has left me 20 messages which i willnt read. for my own sanity and because i need to focus on work #and not whatever theyve sent in 20 messages #because ill definitely spend like an hour typing out a response to each of their messages #and i kinda dont wanna talk to them rn because stuff i wanna tell them is. personal #and nothings!!! set in stone yet!!!! #so i dont wanna tell them all my fun plans for the holidays and how im gonna change my name and style and hair and then none of it happens #bc i failed my exams- #because i dint think id b able to live after that #with someone else knowing i was. so close yet so far #yeah #so im chillin rn #also have some messages from their bsf which is nice but i think theyre normal ones lol #so plenty of time to respond to those #hmm i think ill text X back when im done w psych2 and finished the 3 chem papers #motivation to study ig...? #eurghhfhgh so tiredd thoooo #looking forward to talking to another human being tmrw bc im seeing one of my teachers to go over some chemistry papers

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[puzzlekinq]

cant sleep because im seething with anger

#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel #if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins #basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating #off topic but yeah #i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around #idk. whatever #why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years #but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol #all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic #and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her #because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15 #maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life #but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me #every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight #it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred #and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes #*life